#Anyway publishing has done it's best to destroy me and I say YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME

[rosesutherlandwrites]

Friends, I'm taking a break. A REAL break, this bloody revision will get finished when it gets finished because me smashing my face into this manuscript and getting nowhere because I'm so burnt out I can barely function enough to keep afloat let alone do all the heavy lifting I've had to over the past few months, when I'm six chapters from the end, six chapters that a year ago, would have probably been relatively EASY for me to sort out, is STUPID. I want this book, which I LOVE, to be done well more than I want it to be done fast, and I want to be sane afterwards more than either of those things.

[loomiseater]

Lose end

warnings: slight smut!, fem!reader, pet names: princess/baby, killing, mentions of killing, and blood.

Criticism is appreciated! I would love to know how I can improve on my writing.

A/N: first post of December!! I'm getting back into the habit of posting more!

Billy Loomis x fem!reader

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Written: December 1st, 2024

Published: December 1st, 2024

Summary: You want to kill again, chase after that high you got when you first did it..but what happens if Billy wants to take it too far?

wc: 2,804

“Yes! Fuck, Billy, I’m cumming!” I moaned as Billy gave me one last thrust before cumming inside me. “I love being inside this pretty pussy.” He whispered in my ear before pulling out and falling back down on the bed. I rolled over and laid on his chest as he wrapped me in his arms.

As I was laid in his arms there was a comforting silence. We had just got done with at least an hour of sex and the room was filled with Billy’s and I’s heavy breathing. I then finally decided to speak up.

“Billy?” “Yes?”

“I’ve been having those dark thoughts again.” I stated. Billy corked his eyebrow at me. “Yeah? What are they?” He asked me softly. “I want to kill again…that one kill wasn’t enough for me, I need the adrenaline again of the first kill!” I answered.

He nodded his head in agreement with me and I was relieved. Billy’s approval is the only thing that matters to me. “I’ve been thinking about that too, Maureen Prescott wasn’t enough…we need to kill Sidney too.” Billy said as he was deep in thought.

My eyes widened at his sentence. Why Sidney? We can kill random people off the street, nor our friend. And besides Maureen deserved it, she destroyed two families. “Why? She had nothing to do with what her mom did.” I said back.

Billy scoffed before responding. His face didn’t have that soft look anymore, he looked angry, hurt even.

“I don’t care if she didn’t have anything to do with it! That whole family needs to die. Her dad included.” The words spat out of his mouth with much hate.

It’s been a year-well, a year in 3 days that me, Billy, and Stu, killed Sids mother. When Billy first came to me with the idea I was disgusted with him, hell- I almost left him. But he’s my boyfriend and I hated seeing him depressed after his mother left, which was a result from Maureen.

She had to die. Kill the root of the problem.

I slowly nodded my head before answering to what Billy had just said. “Okay. Sidney has to go..her dad too.” It hurt me so much to say that. I’m going to kill my best friend since grade school.

“How do you think Stu will react once we tell him this? You know he likes Sidney, he’s obsessed with her!” Billy laughed at my response, shaking his head. “He never had a chance with her anyways, and besides, I might have to kill him too.” Billy said as he got up and grabbed his boxers.

My heart dropped. Kill Stu? He didn’t do anything. I looked at Billy with a hurt expression. How could he want to kill his best friend?

“You’re not killing Stu!” I tried to be confident but my voice cracked a bit.

“What? You like him or something?” He teasingly said but there was some jealously hidden behind those words. “Yes, I like Stu, as a friend. He’s our friend! You can’t just murder him, especially after all he’s done to help us! If anyone else should be dying right now it should be your mother! She’s the one who left without even-“ before I could finish Billy grabbed my throat tightly, squeezing it a bit.

“Keep my mothers name out your mouth!” He spat. It was as if this was a completely different Billy. He had that serious, crazy, dark look in his eyes too.

I nodded my head receptively hoping that he would let go soon enough but his grip only got tighter. He came face to face with me, his lips almost touching mines while his hand was still wrapped around my throat.

“I’m killing Stu. Thats final, we don’t need any loose ends, okay, princess?” His features now softened as he looked into my eyes, seeing the fear in them.

I nodded my head yes in response as he then kissed me. Nice and slow like he usually does.

2 days later…

Our plan was in motion now. Stu was gonna have the party later on tonight and we’re gonna kill Sidney at midnight. After Sidney dies along with her dad, Billy kills Stu, then me and Billy call the cops and tell them that the killer attacked us.

But before all that happens, Billy needs to kill Principal HImbry so everyone can leave.

The school day was now over- well, cut early due to the new curfew set in place from Caesy Becker being gutted open from Billy and Stu. I didn’t help out with that murder, I was just the getaway driver.

Sidney, Tatum, and I were now leaving the school building about to walk home until Stu came up from behind and thew Tatum over his shoulder.

“You girls are gonna bring the snacks! And please don’t get that gluten free, vegan, healthy shit. Yes, I’m talking to you, Sid!” He teasingly said as he pointed to her. I couldn’t help but laugh at his little comment.

I looked at the three of them, trying to savor this sweet moment. This was my last day with them- except Tatum. It’s just gonna be me, her, and Billy for now on. My heart ached at just the thought of Sidney and Stu being gone.

Stu eventually went his separate way while me, Sid, and Tatum walked over to the nearest store. When we got there we noticed Dewey and the Sheriff standing outside talking to each other.

I love Dewey, he likes the older brother I never had. If he ever found out what I was doing he would be heartbroken, disgusted at my actions.

He walked over to the three of us, him speaking first. “What’re you girls doing here? Curfew should be starting soon.” He said with a hint of concern in his voice. “Stu’s throwing a party, so we can left of some steam. We could all use a little bit of happiness right now..especially with the murders going on.” Tatum explained.

“Alright, I mean I guess you guys could go, but I’m driving you guys there.” He said with a faint smile on his face. Before me and Sidney could thank him, Tatum spoke up.

“We weren’t asking for your permission to go, dumbass! But thanks for the ride!” Dewey didn’t even bother responding to her, he was amused, laughed even.

We now headed into the store grabbing snacks for the party. The snacks consisted of chips, ice creams, soda, and cookies.

At the party…

“Hey! You guys made it!” Stu greeted us as he gave Tatum a kiss. Sidney and I walked off to the living room while Tatum stayed back with Stu. We sat down on the couch and all I could think about was our plan for tonight.

I was going to kill my best friend tonight.

“Hey, are you okay? You’ve been unusually quiet today..” Sidney asked. “Yeah! Just um- I’m on my period. You know..cramps and stuff.” I nodded. I tried to come off normal but I only sounded awkward, nervous even.

She didn’t question it, not wanting to push me even more so she changed the subject. “So, how’re you and Billy doing?” She asked with a little smile. “We’ve been good, ya know? Our communication has definitely gotten better!” My voice was coated with cheerfulness. I was being honest, me and Billy were having a rough patch, everyone knows that. But we’re better now.

“Thats good to hear. I’m happy for you Y/n/n.”

“I’m gonna grab a drink, you want anything?” She asked. “No thanks, I’m fine!” I answered. Sid went to go get something to drink while I went to the front door since Billy and Stu were standing over there.

“Is Himbry gone?” I whispered. Billy nodded before answering. “Yup. His body is hanging on the goal post.” He said with a smirk as I just shook my head.

“So..I’m gonna go upstairs and hide our for a bit, make a call so everyone can leave, okay?” “okay.” I answered. Billy placed a kiss on my cheek before going upstairs.

Now it was just me and Stu. I haven’t had the chance to tell him about us killing Sid, he thought we were killing Randy.

Yes, Stu is dating Tatum but he also likes Sid. He confessed that to Billy and I, I never noticed his interactions with Sid until he told us that. But I don’t think Stu necessarily likes Sid..but is more so obsessed with her. And everyone knows Randy likes Sid but she’s the only one who’s oblivious to it, so Stu wants to get rid of that problem.

“Stu?”

“Yes?”

“Theres something I need to tell you..” I softly said as I held his hands. He looked at me strangely but didn’t say anything. “Billy wants to kill Sidney.” I whispered. A tear fell down my eye as the words fell out of my mouth. Stu looked at me with betrayal, hurt. I tried to console him but he hastily snatched his hands from me.

“Stu come back!” My words came out cracked and low. I didn’t wanna draw too much attention to us so I quickly wiped my tears. He didn’t even look back at me, he just kept watching.

There was a knock at the door, I turned around and opened it, assuming it was just another classmate. But it was Dewey and…the news reporter bitch? The hell was she doing her?

“Hey, Y/n/n!” Dewey greeted. “What’re you doing here?” I asked, completely ignoring the bitch on the side of him. I remembered who she was now. She was the woman who constantly reported on Sid’s moms death.

“I just wanted to keep an eye on you guys, make sure theres no murders.” He teasingly said. I dryly laughed at his comment. I soon made my way back over to the couch where Randy and Sid were sitting at.

2 hours later..

I was in the kitchen with Sid..covered in Randy’s blood. I tried to save him, I had no idea that Billy was gonna kill him. But like he said. ‘No lose ends.’

“Are you gonna kill me too?” She asked quietly. I didn’t even have the courage to look Sid in the eye. “ANSWER ME Y/N!” She shouted as tears began sliding down like a waterfall on my face. “I’m sorry! I have to!” I said with an apologetic look on my face. “Why?! Just so you can please Billy and Stu?! You guys killed my mother! Tatum, Dewey, and Randy!” She exclaimed.

“You’re mother deserved it!” I snapped back. Sid’s face turned into a hurt and questioning look. “She destroyed Billy’s family! Caused his mother to leave, and sent Billy into depression! She needed to pay.” I didn’t realize that I became face to face with Sid. “So what? I deserve to pay for my mothers sins?” She asked as she now looked at the ground.

“No. You don’t.” I responded.

She looked up at me with shock covering her face. I was in my own thoughts, thinking about how this would all play out..until I remembered what Billy said.

‘No lose ends.’

If Billy has no problem with taking out Stu, his best friend since day one..whats stopping him from killing me too?

Billy is my lose end.

I pulled out the gun from my back pocket that Billy had handed me after he shot Randy.

“You’re not dying tonight, Sid.” I said to her. She tilted her head in confusion at my comment.

“We’re going to kill Billy and Stu.” I sternly said.

“How? They’re in control of this whole situation. Theres no way we can over power them.” Sid said. She sounded scared. If I was her I would be scared too. You don’t know who you can trust in this situation.

“They’re already wounded from when they were stabbing each other in here earlier. The plan is, you take Stu and I take Billy. Stab your fingers in ALL of his stab wounds, don’t hold back. Bite, slap, punch, hell-gouge his eyes out. Do whatever you need to do to take him out!” I stated.

“How are you gonna take Billy out?” She suspiciously asked. “I guess I’ll just improvise.”

“But I need you to take to the gun. I have a better chance of surviving if I stab him, he could easily flip the gun on me.” I said as I handed Sid the gun. She stuck it in the back of her pants, covering it up with her jean jacket.

Billy and Stu were walking back into the house after moving Dewey and Gale’s body.

“Ready?”

Sid nodded her head in response.

“And why the hell are you not dead yet?” Billy questioned Sid. I hurried and stepped in before he could say anything else.

“Because I was waiting for you, baby! You should be the one who kills her…I mean..it was her mother who ruined your family.” I said while looking up at him with that look I always give when I want something. “You’re right, princess.” He smirked before leaning in to give me a kiss.

Perfect he was vulnerable.

I squeezed and yanked his balls as hard as I could and that was a good enough signal for Sid to attack to Stu.

Billy pulled away looking at me in complete utter shock. “What the hell?!” Before he could react I have him a right hook to the jaw, making him fall back into the ground. From the corner of my eye I could see Sid on top of Stu, pushing her fingers inside his wounds as he screamed out in agony.

Billy stood back up to his feet as he now towered over to me. “You little bitch!” he shouted as he grabbed me by my throat and threw me into the wall.

I screamed out in pain when my back hit the wall. It felt like someone threw a brick at me. Billy then walked over to me and was now straddling over me. “You were the only person who I thought I could trust, but you screwed me over just like everyone else!” He slapped me straight across the face as I winced in pain. Yeah I definitely felt that sting. Hurt like hell.

“You act like you weren’t gonna screw me over! You were gonna kill Stu! So whats stopping you from killing me next!” I said, but my voice was strained- I mean he just choked the shit out of me, threw me against the wall, and backhanded me.

“I’m sorry, princess!” He cried as his body now laid on top. What the hell?

Billy laid his face into my chest and started crying. “You were right..but I have to kill you, baby.” he lowly said into my chest. My eyes widened, I didn’t think he was actually gonna admit it.

He lifted his head from my chest and slowly kissed me for the last time.

This was my chance.

In the middle of our kiss, I slowly pulled out my knife from my back pocket and stabbed him right in his liver.

“AHH!” He screamed out as I then stuck my fingers in his wound.

He screamed even louder, now touching his wound to where I stabbed him. I heard a bang sound but I tuned out. “The gun!” I shouted to Sid.

She tossed the gun towards me and I shot Billy straight into the stomach.

His body fell limp on top of me. His blood was slowly seeping to my shirt. It was sticky, yet cold. I hurried and pushed him off of me, scurrying up off the floor and now running to where Sid was standing.

Stu was dead.

“The t.v. seriously killed him?” I asked in a chuckle as she started laughing. “You said do whatever you need to do.” She laughed as I nodded my head.

We then heard a thud come from the closet. We both turned around, still on high alert. It was Sid’s dad.

“Dad!” She said, relieved at who it was.

She untied him and urged him to call the cops. He called them from the phone in the kitchen as me and Sid walked back into the living room.

It was silent before I spoke up. “I know that you can never forgive me for what happened and I-“ Before I could finish my sentence she hugged me tightly. “You could’ve killed me, but you didn’t.” She said into my neck.

We pulled away from the hug, now looking around at the bodies and the mess.

I saw Stu’s leg twitch a bit, but I didn’t think anything of it, he’s probably still suffocating.

I can’t believe it had to end this way.

[crumblinggothicarchitecture]

I was so impressed with your toe-to-toe comment on the French philosophy anon. So happy to have found you, omg! I heard Taylor called her ttpd set as the "female rage musical." I take it she knows the impact of the song Labour by Paris Paloma which has been dubbed as the female rage anthem. So naturally, here is the 34 year old culture vulture, can't-have-any-ideas-of-her-own that is Taylor Swift hopping there wanting to get the attention away from it when that song is quite phenomenal. One song compared to her 31 diss tracks that's nothing to me, at least, but the excessive sentimentality of an infantile woman in her 30s. It's gross the confessions she's put on that album. And even her own fans are comparing her to Olivia Rodrigo. That's she's copying everything about her - song, outfits, the "female rage" theme just to mock her. Somehow, Swift thinks it would do her a world of good. People are catching on to her antics which are absolutely disgusting, btw. I'm hoping one day you write about all these completely ridiculous gross things she's done using her own lyrics. You know what I mean? I hope someone write about her nasty lyrics and that it completely destroys her.

Thank you ha, I'm glad you found something meaningful in that post. I will not lie, that Anon actually hurt my feelings for a second (I got over it by writing my response), but I was upset at being so misunderstood. I'm not out here levying unreasonable criticism at Taylor Swift. All will be based on reality, or interpretation of her own lyrics.  I’m defs out to get her though- in the most legitimate way possible- and maybe someday I will publish for real on her. I have a couple of criticisms that I will not be putting on my blog- because I want to say it on a bigger platform. : )  

I do see a lot of harmful things in her music that I have been resisting the urge to write about for YEARS! Even back in 2009, listening to "Love Story" I remember thinking to myself, oh this is nothing like what Shakespeare meant and it's also a weird appeal to the patriarchy through the "I talked to your Dad/ Go Pick out a white dress." It's so clear that she's just reduplicating mainstream attitudes on romantic relationships by using Christian Conservative social standards of needing the father's permission to ask the girl's hand in marriage. She obviously wanted to attract the Christian- Conservative fan- base with that song, and that's exactly what happened. Her marketing is tied to the phrases she places inside her songs in a way that is extremely calculating. She, Afterall, learned from the best at attracting mainstream, Christian, conservative fans, Toby Keith (hate that fascist, white nationalist freak). (WHoops, that was mean- oh well, he’s dead anyway). (and if he wanted me to be nice- he shouldn't have been a fascist).  

It's so obvious, and I really figured everyone else was also aware of the ways in which Swift interpolates patriarchal standards in her music. I have many more examples- I could write a whole essay on it.  

Apparently, everyone thought she was a feminist? Bro, she became a "feminist" if only to evade criticism and capitalize on mainstream pop-feminist trends. She's not a real feminist. Her use of “feminism” to evade critique ties directly into her other marketing strategy of telling the world “I’m so innocent and young” all the time. 

Also, her co-opting of the phrase Female Rage has made me angry, exceptionally angry. I saw that she's trying to trademark the phrase. I am incensed. I will post about it soon. 

I wish Swift would stop co-opting legitimate terms and pulling only the most shallow- self-centered conception of the term out to use in her mediocre music. She’s like if Pinterest was a person- and I’m tired of it.  

Paris Paloma’s “Labour” is amazing, because guess what- it actually speaks about the experience of women under patriarchal standards in a way that respects the seriousness of the topic. I absolutely believe that Swift saw how viral that song went and decided she needed to cash in on that too.  

And she is totally copying Olivia Rodrigo. Can you imagine being 34 and trying to act 20? I would die of embarrassment. But it's so obvious that it's getting weird.

I have much more to say on this topic- sincerely I could write a book on the conceptual point of “Female Rage” in media. I have thousands of examples, and I’ve been studying this stuff for years. I will, however, ramble on no longer. Thank you for your kind words- and I hope you enjoy my upcoming writings.

[filet-o-feelings]

Fav lines game 💫

rules: share your favorite lines or paragraph you’ve written from one of your fics, posted or wip.

Thanks for the tags @hippolotamus @a-noble-dragon @stereopticons and @jamilas-pen 💜

So, it appears there's no limit here? (okay I just reread the rules and there is a limit. One. It says one. Too late, I already found four to share below. Rules were meant to be broken and I can't be expected to choose just one 😁) How many lines can I choose? I have 65 published fics and who knows how many wips at this point, how do I choose? I narrowed it down to 3 published and one WIP, please be impressed with me?

Everything's Too Cold... but You're so Hot

They round a corner and the man, after quickly checking over his shoulder, pulls him down an alley before pressing him against a wall and covering Patrick’s mouth with a hand adorned with several wide, silver rings. Patrick thinks briefly that the combination of warm skin and cool metal has no right to feel this nice against his mouth, but then the man’s face is tucked into his neck and his mouth is inches away from his ear and Patrick can’t help but shiver when the hot breath reaches his skin and he registers the words moments after they’ve been spoken: “My name is David and I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend. Please, trust me.” 

Rescue Mission

“Okay, I can’t take this any longer Stevie. We’ve been watching these feeds for long enough to see that nothing ever changes. We have to do something!” “What can we do, though? You know Ronnie’s not going to give the okay on anything that involves our interference in any way, and again, there’s no space.” David throws his hands in the air, “It’s all space!”

Mistakes We Knew We Were Making (honestly this entire chapter is probably my favorite thing I've written, other than the build-a-fic WIP)

“I-” he stops to take a deep breath, considering his next words carefully. He’s painfully aware that no matter what he says is going to destroy Rachel, so he decides the truth is the best bet. Even if it’s the most painful thing he could say in the moment, “I don’t think I ever stopped loving him, Rach. I’m so sorry. I honestly thought I was over him, but he’s… he’s David, Rach. And I love you-” Rachel lets loose a sob at that, “But you love him more,” she says, once she gets her breathing back under control. “No! That’s- that’s not it. I love him differently. I love you differently. I just. Rachel-” he says, turning to take her hands, which she accepts. “Rachel, I know I have the absolute worst timing in the entire world, but I honestly don’t think I knew until this exact moment, not completely anyway, but-” he takes another steadying breath, raising his eyes to meet hers. “Rachel, I’m gay. I’m so sorry.” She laughs, a wet, this is all so much it’s ridiculous sort of laugh. “Patrick, only you would apologize as you come out. You’ve out Canadian-ed yourself babe. You know, you could have saved us a lot of time and money if you’d just gotten your shit together and figured this out sooner,” she jokes.

Build-a-fic (WIP)

Still, he needs to be sure. Coughing, choking on tears he hadn’t even noticed until his lungs tightened and his legs threatened to collapse right there in the middle of the road. He pushes on, though, fighting with everything he has to see Patrick with his own eyes, regardless of the state he might find him in.

Work kept me pretty busy today so I'm not sure who has done this yet, but I'll tag (no pressure) @statueinthestonetoo @treluna4 @tyfinn @mammameesh @lemonlyman-dotcom

@beaiola @welcometololaland @queenmabcreates and anyone else who wants to do this and hasn't been tagged yet 💛

[nyc-uws]

Read a (Love) Letter From Herman Melville to Nathaniel Hawthorne

There has been much speculation about this friendship.

Literary Hub Emily Temple

In 1850, Ticknor, Reed & Fields published The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne’s classic novel of repentance and slut-shaming. But this isn’t about The Scarlet Letter—it’s about one of the most fascinating friendships in literature. Because whenever I think of Nathaniel Hawthorne, I can’t help but think of Herman Melville.

Hawthorne and Melville met in 1850, and though Hawthorne was fifteen years older, and the two very different (Melville bombastic and highly emotional, Hawthorne much more reserved) the two hit it off right away. Soon afterwards, Melville published a very complimentary review of Hawthorne’s Mosses from an Old Manse, and the writers began an intense friendship that would last about two years before unexpectedly dissolving. There has been much speculation about this friendship, of course, and whether it may have been something more. As Jordan Alexander Stein put in in LARB, “All we are left with are representations of Melville’s feelings, tantalizingly expressed without being particularly easy to pinpoint. Melville wrote of Hawthorne with undeniably sexy language. What proves more elusive are the feelings to which, with any precision, this language can be said to refer.”

For instance, in that aforementioned review, Melville writes: “[A]lready I feel that this Hawthorne has dropped germinous seeds into my soul. He expands and deepens down, the more I contemplate him; and further, and further, shoots his strong New England roots into the hot soil of my Southern soul.” Which sounds like, well, you know.

But one of the best examples of this is the wildly flirtatious, possibly scandalous (magnets indeed), letter below. After Hawthorne read Moby-Dick—which was dedicated to him—he sent Melville a letter. That letter has not survived (nor any of Hawthorne’s letters to Melville—which begs the question: why did Melville destroy these?, but anyway), but Melville’s response, written in November of 1851, suggests that his friend rather liked his novel. So is it a love letter? Even if they were never more than friends, I’d have to say yes. I mean, “Knowing you persuades me more than the Bible of our immortality,” and “I feel that the Godhead is broken up like the bread at the Supper, and that we are the pieces”? Damn. Romantic or not, that’s some passionate correspondence.

Pittsfield, Monday afternoon.

My Dear Hawthorne:

People think that if a man has undergone any hardship, he should have a reward; but for my part, if I have done the hardest possible day’s work, and then come to sit down in a corner and eat my supper comfortably—why, then I don’t think I deserve any reward for my hard day’s work—for am I not now at peace? Is not my supper good? My peace and my supper are my reward, my dear Hawthorne. So your joy-giving and exultation-breeding letter is not my reward for my ditcher’s work with that book, but is the good goddess’s bonus over and above what was stipulated—for for not one man in five cycles, who is wise, will expect appreciative recognition from his fellows, or any one of them. Appreciation! Recognition! Is love appreciated? Why, ever since Adam, who has got to the meaning of this great allegory—the world? Then we pygmies must be content to have our paper allegories but ill comprehended. I say your appreciation is my glorious gratuity. In my proud, humble way,—a shepherd-king,—I was lord of a little vale in the solitary Crimea; but you have now given me the crown of India. But on trying it on my head, I found it fell down on my ears, notwithstanding their asinine length—for it’s only such ears that sustain such crowns.

Your letter was handed me last night on the road going to Mr. Morewood’s, and I read it there. Had I been at home, I would have sat down at once and answered it. In me divine maganimities are spontaneous and instantaneous—catch them while you can. The world goes round, and the other side comes up. So now I can’t write what I felt. But I felt pantheistic then—your heart beat in my ribs and mine in yours, and both in God’s. A sense of unspeakable security is in me this moment, on account of your having understood the book. I have written a wicked book, and feel spotless as the lamb. Ineffable socialities are in me. I would sit down and dine with you and all the gods in old Rome’s Pantheon. It is a strange feeling—no hopefulness is in it, no despair. Content—that is it; and irresponsibility; but without licentious inclination. I speak now of my profoundest sense of being, not of an incidental feeling.

Whence come you, Hawthorne? By what right do you drink from my flagon of life? And when I put it to my lips—lo, they are yours and not mine. I feel that the Godhead is broken up like the bread at the Supper, and that we are the pieces. Hence this infinite fraternity of feeling. Now, sympathizing with the paper, my angel turns over another page. you did not care a penny for the book. But, now and then as you read, you understood the pervading thought that impelled the book—and that you praised. Was it not so? You were archangel enough to despise the imperfect body, and embrace the soul. Once you hugged the ugly Socrates because you saw the flame in the mouth, and heard the rushing of the demon,—the familiar,—and recognized the sound; for you have heard it in your own solitudes.

My dear Hawthorne, the atmospheric skepticisms steal into me now, and make me doubtful of my sanity in writing you thus. But, believe me, I am not mad, most noble Festus! But truth is ever incoherent, and when the big hearts strike together, the concussion is a little stunning. Farewell. Don’t write a word about the book. That would be robbing me of my miserly delight. I am heartily sorry I ever wrote anything about you—it was paltry. Lord, when shall we be done growing? As long as we have anything more to do, we have done nothing. So,now, let us add Moby Dick to our blessing, and step from that. Leviathan is not the biggest fish;—I have heard if Krakens.

This is a long letter, but you are not at all bound to answer it. Possibly, if you do answer it, and direct it to Herman Melville, you will missend it—for the very fingers that now guide this pen are not precisely the same that just took it up and put it on this paper. Lord, when shall we be done changing? Ah! it’s a long stage, and no inn in sight, and night coming, and the body cold. But with you for a passenger, I am content and can be happy. I shall leave the world, I feel, with more satisfaction for having come to know you. Knowing you persuades me more than the Bible of our immortality.

What a pity, that, for your plain, bluff letter, you should get such gibberish! Mention me to Mrs. Hawthorne and to the children, and so, good-by to you, with my blessing.

Herman.

P.S. I can’t stop yet. If the world was entirely made up of Magians, I’ll tell you what I should do. I should have a paper-mill established at one end of the house, and so have an endless riband of foolscap rolling in upon my desk; and upon that endless riband I should write a thousand—a million—billion thoughts, all under the form of a letter to you. The divine magnet is on you, and my magnet responds. Which is the biggest? A foolish question—they are One.

P.P.S. Don’t think that by writing me a letter, you shall always be bored with an immediate reply to it—and so keep both of us delving over a writing-desk eternally. No such thing! I sh’n’t always answer your letters, and you may do just as you please.

Emily Temple is the managing editor at Lit Hub. Her first novel, The Lightness, was published by William Morrow/HarperCollins in June 2020. You can buy it here.

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/read-a-love-letter-from-herman-melville-to-nathaniel-hawthorne?utm_source=pocket-newtab

[review-anon]

(part ii)

And this is bad because...?

Those visors aren't there for decoration, they are there because it turns out those penguins are bloodthirsty maniacs and they went on a rampage destroying so much stuff. I'm so glad I am already dead because otherwise I would have been killed at that point!

WHAT THE FUCK?! They could do that? Why didn't you get rid of them if they can just go and fuck everyone up like that?!

Because sadly, I have no idea how to run this place and they do. The visors came back online at some point which stopped the rampage but its why I got Chihiro to put up firewalls on them, just in case someone like Mikado decides to be clever.

I-I guess that makes sense, so on that note I think me and Miu need to get out of here.

Yeah no offensive RA, but after hearing that I don't feel safe working with those things anymore.

Understand, anyway thanks you two for finally getting this fixed.

Glad to be of assistance, anyway I got to binge watch all of Black Clover.

And I got to take care of some...personal projects of mine so see ya later! It was great trying to crack open this thing.

Bye you two! Take care.

*Yamato and Miu left the room leaving just Review Anon with the penguins. The now confirmed to be very murderous penguins*

....

AH! I didn't see you guys there! My apologises.

So if you couldn't have picked up from all of that, thanks to the work of Miu and Yamato, as well as the Penguin drones here, the simulator I use to running the ASOOT Hunger Games has finally been fixed, which means they have now offically returned!

I suppose some of you need a little refresher on that. Basically around Halloween, I would put the ASOOT cast into a Hunger Games, based on the Brainsteele's Hunger Game simulator and then just let the RNG write itself.

Its a pretty nice tradition and best of all, Bubbles seems to like it a lot. I have done Hunger games in both 2021 and 2022.

Sadly 2023 got skipped though the "lore" reason was Killer Penguins being Killer Penguins, in reality it was due to irl issues getting in the way around the time so I didn't feel like wanting to do it.

So how am I gonna do this? Well this Halloween you will get what was gonna be the 2023 Hunger Games where I've modified some of the events to tie in with ASOOT lore. As for the 2024 one that will come in early November and that will have something else to differentiate it from 2023's.

Another thing is that anyone who has won it from the previous years would be exempt from taking part in future Hunger Games. Winner's perks and all of that. So again, to remind you all, in 2021's Hunger Game the winner of that was Kanata Inori.

I can't say I enjoy these games but still a surgeon does have its perks for making sure you stay alive here.

Quite so and in 2022's Hunger Game, the winner was-

Meeeeeeeee!

No you didn't.

No you didn't. The winner of that was Umeko!

Oh you really think that timey wimey bitch won did you? Because yes she won a 2022 Hunger Game's but she didn't win the one. That was me.

If Umeko was here she would have had choice words to say to you, which speaking of, where is she?

I believe she said that she was on a date with Setsuka and couldn't come.

Or to be more realistic, since Umeko comes from A Student out of Time, you need permission from Mod Bubbles to use her and you don't have the green light yet.

Speaking of him, he's the reason you reran the first 2022 Hunger Game's, the one I won isn't it? Because you knew how much he hates me and would go into a tantrum if you published the results so you ran it again and oh look one of his OCs won.

That's so convenient.

No Korekiyo 2.0, Bubble's opinions had NOTHING to do with why I rerun the 2022 Hunger Games. It was because an arena event wiped out 3/4 of the cast and I didn't think it was fair you won because you knew how to stop, drop and roll.

Return of the Hunger Games

*In another section of this mysterious building a extremely complicated machine is having the finishing touches onto it done*

*The majority of the workers are mysterious human-sized penguins that netherless seem to know what they are doing. They also wear visors on their heads for reasons that as unknown as their being*

*However there are two humans working on the machine and they seem to be directing the penguins to where to perform their maintenance on the machine. One is a young man who is sporting a sailor's outfit and the other one is a young woman who doesn't leave much up to the imagination with her clothing*

C'mon you monochrome fuckers! Stick that bolt in there and-

*Suddenly a rumbling noise can be heard as it seems the machine which has been off is starting to come back to life*

Is it working? That sounded promising. Miu! Turn the machine on to test it!

Alright let's see if this motherfucker has finally bothered to start working-

*As Miu turns on the machine, it hums to live and a display screen showcasing a selection screen is shown*

FUCK YEAH! THIS IS FINALLY WORKING! We, though it was mostly my golden girl genius, did it Yumato!

First off, the name is Yamato!

Second of, yes we finally did it!

Got to say, this is one highly complicated piece of technology, how Review Anon put this together in the first place, I don't know.

I don't think she did, remember she didn't build or construct anything found in this place, she just found it.

I guess that explains why that virgin flat chested spirit asked us to fix it when it broke.

Seriously though how the FUCK did this break so badly? The destruction is on a whole another level and I had to get parts out of places I didn't think you would find them.

???: Blame the Penguins. There was a glitch in their visors and they showed why those things must be on at ALL TIMES.

Both: AHHHHHHHH!

Seriously? I can excuse Miu because she is a coward but Yamato your sister talks to ghosts all the time! You should be better then this.

T-They don't just randomly appear behind you! You make no noise when you come in Review Anon!

Funny sometimes I'm often called too loud.

Anyway, I presume from all the cheering that you two and the Penguins have finally fixed the simulator?

Of course we fucking did! No machine can outsmart the modifications of the gorgeous girl genius Miu Iruma herself!

.....

Oh and I guess Kisaragi-Kun helped too.

Its working finally? YESSSSSSSS! Now I can get back into business!

But we were wondering how did it break down in the first place?

Oh that's simple. You see those Penguins over there?

....

Yeah what's the deal with these bastards? You got a penguin fetish or something? Played too much Club Penguin?

I'm just gonna ignore your comment there and move on.

But no what happened was there was a glitch in their visors and they shut down, which meant the Penguins could see their surroundings for the first time in a long time.

[blackbat05]

Night talks and Dim Sum

Shangqi x Reader

A/N: Hey y’all! This is my first time trying to write a one-shot/fic on tumblr. I have an existing wattpad account where I have some stories published! It’s mainly DC (young justice) combined with hunger games so if you are a fan, do check out @Runnerpottermore! Anyways, I have no idea why I suddenly decided to write a fic after so long - maybe because I wasn’t going through the best of days and also watched the movie recently? I just love the whole cast in general and Mr Simu Liu just killed his role - so yeah! Before I ramble on, I hope you enjoy my fic that I came up with!

Genre: Fluff, PG13, platonic friendship that can maybe turn into something more?

Warning: None? Just maybe broken Mandarin and sweaty people?

Extra Note: Please be kind to me!🥺

‘Bye.’

I take a deep breath, moving the cursor to close the window. Another day was done. Leaning back against the office chair, I stare up into the celling before closing my eyes, taking in the conversation a few hours ago.

‘It’s difficult to change what has already been so ingrained into our childhood. But what you can do is ask - what is the part of yourself that you want to keep?’

Rubbing my temples from the simple yet complex question, I decided that it was time to hit the road and get some fresh air. It was 6pm, Shangqi and Katy were probably still at the hotel.

As dreadful as running sounded to many people, this was one of the days where I could just zone out and mull over the day. The feeling of my shoes pounding into the pavement, body slowly being covered by a sheet of sweat… it felt good. Turning into the last corner of the run, a light tap on my shoulder jolted me out of my little world.

‘Woah is just me!’ My sudden stop had almost resulted me barreling right into Shangqi’s equally sweaty frame. He gives me his signature boyish grin only to earn a smack on his shoulder.

‘干嘛!’ (gànmá) [‘What are you doing!’]

‘吓死我了!’ (xià sǐ wǒ le!) [‘You scared me!’] I retorted back, removing my headphones. ‘What are you doing here, I thought you still had work?’

‘We did, but our shift ended early so I thought I’ll get in a quick run.’

‘10km is quick?’ I look at his phone that was calculating the distance, brows raised. ‘You’re a beast.’

‘Ha ha, very funny. Enough about me, what’s got you out today? I thought you were taking a break?’ We walked side by side, towards the direction of a renowned dim sum stall. ‘Yeah…’ I dragged my words for a while, hesitating to continue. ‘Just needed to think some things through.’ Shangqi nods. That’s the thing I liked about him. He never forced me to tell him things that I didn’t want to. He would wait quietly until I was ready.

‘I don’t know if I’m even going in the right direction. I thought I was doing things right - getting the grades, making sure I understood what was being taught at school… I was so sure that I could help people if I put my mind to it. But these feelings of not being able to do more… I don’t even know my future as a social worker anymore.’ I bit my lips, kicking a stray pebble.

‘Hold up!’ Shangqi steps in front of me, gripping the sides of my shoulders. ‘What did you say?’ He asks me in mock disbelief. ‘I said I’m not a good-‘

‘Nope! The conversation before this has been void! Because the (Y/N) I know is an amazing person and social worker who helps these kids to become the better version of themselves.’ He waves towards the many young Asian-American kids running around merrily in the playground as if to make his statement. A small smile formed on my lips watching Shangqi’s exaggerated movements to the disapproval of an elderly man with wispy white hair. He seemed to have noticed the looks he was getting as he dropped his hands to the sides in embarrassment.

‘Look, my point is that not many people can do what you do. Putting people before yourself, how many people would do that in this world?’

I throw him a skeptical glance. ‘You’re doing it. You’re a literal superhero that stopped a mythical creature from destroying our world. Not that it hasn’t happened.’ Shangqi snorts, ‘Sure. But hear me out. Who were the people that worked day and night to restore some order when the snap happened? Who made sure that these young kids weren’t afraid and reassured them that everything was going to be alright.’

He did have a point. Five years ago, the whole world was thrown into chaos. If I could forget something, it would be the chaos at the children and youth center on the exact day of the snap. Kids as young as four, crying uncontrollably for their missing parents. The older children who put on brave faces for their younger siblings but they too couldn’t make sense of the situation. The remaining social workers scrambling to attend to every need, every child. I was one of them. The sleepless nights, the constant worries - the social services were already overloaded, anymore pressure and the whole industry would collapse. I wanted to believe him but the doubts were becoming stronger by the minute.

Shangqi carefully stares at me as if analyzing my micro expression. ‘I know what I’m saying won’t change anything instantly. But what I do know is that we all have these moments of doubt, even me. I can’t offer you professional advice, but just like how Katy, my aunt and my mom were there for me when I needed them the most in Ta Lo, I’ll be here if you want to talk.’

‘You’re a good friend you know that right.’ My heart felt much lighter compared to the day.

‘Better than Katy?’

‘Don’t push it.’ I joked, eliciting laughter from both of us. Before we knew it, we arrived at the dim sum stall. As always, it was bustling with hungry customers. ‘Come on! Katy’s got a seat for us already, I’m starving!’ He opened the door for an young couple pushing a stroller.

‘Wait!’ Shangqi looks at me curiously. ‘I know we’re both sweaty but I think the situation calls for one.’ I gave a huge hug, ‘Thank you, that meant a lot to me.’

The sudden bear hug definitely threw the man off, but he to was glad for the heart to heart conversation. For more reasons than one.

‘Alright then! Who’s up for some char siew bao! I’m gonna inhale them - deserved it!’ I loudly declared my war against the dim sum, walking towards Katy who was enthusiastically waving at us.

Little did I know, there was a lot going on in Shangqi’s mind too.

A/N: Wew! That was long! If you’ve read it up till here, thank you for reading it! This idea really just popped out at the last minute so I’m not sure if it’s to y’all taste. Please do forgive me for my inaccurate translation - I am Chinese but like Katy my Mandarin is super rusty. Also whichever countries you come from, please give your social workers more recognition. They deserve it for a long time coming! Do give a comment or like if you wish! Just here to write and try and give simple joy to people who are such fans of Shangqi and the MCU in general.

[stopbeingrude]

I've been working on this for a while now. Since my one-shot on Gruvia-day went over pretty well, I figured why not? Probably another fanfiction about Juvia's past, but how could you blame me? Her backstory has so much potential I'll try to publish new chapters , every week or maybe more ( we'll see) So without further ado , i present you my newest work. ( Feedback is welcomed of course)

,, I like the rain, it always seemed like the only thing that was like me..."

Chapter 1. ,,Where are you?"

-"Juvia…." - he said quietly -" this is the last time you will be seeing me…"- For the moment she felt like she couldn't breathe. Until a little while ago, everything was fine. He visited her as usual, they talked as usual. However, she felt that something was wrong, she could see it from his behavior. He was terribly tense, but...

- "You're old enough to understand the situation I'm in. I've chosen this life, so I've always been aware of the fact that one day I would be in danger. But you have nothing to do with it. I won't let anything happen to you…"-he said with a shaky voice.

It was probably the only moment in her life ,when Juvia saw fear in his violet eyes. Who would have thought that unbeatable Jeremiah, the guy with a sharp tongue, incredible self-confidence and enormous power... would be standing in front of her unsure and quiet...

-" I came to say goodbye…"

'No...please no..' - she felt tears running down her cheeks. He was joking , he had to be joking. It was another one of his pranks , he never went that far , but it couldn't be truth....

- "That's not funny…. Stop...You're joking right? You can't.... you can't be serious.. No…"- the girl sobbed. She looked at his face again, hoping he was wrong....The man turned his gaze away from her.

...No...

-"You want to leave Juvia alone?...No..please..I'll be training harder, I'll become stronger…you can't!..." - her voice broke down. She hugged his legs.

The girl was still trying to convince him with all her strength. She begged , she pleaded , she cried...but nothing made him change his decision.

-" Juvia!" - this time he spoke to her in a cold, firm voice. The voice that was always directed at his opponents not her. It wasn't his usual feisty, slightly sleepy voice. For the first time in her life Juvia was a little scared of him.

-"I will not accept any objections from you. You will do as I have told you. Do you think your mother would be proud of the way you behave?"- he looked straight into her eyes.

........

Mother?.. Every time she was mentioned, Juvia wasn't sure how to react. She didn't know what to think about her…nor did she remember her….she knew practically nothing..

Every time someone mentioned her, Juvia felt like she was being told about some character from legends, or fantasy books…., not a mother she should feel some kind of connection to, not even a REAL person.

A wonderful and beautiful mage who, after arriving to Tempeville together with Jerry, saved the village from an attack of bandits. And that's all.

No one except Jerry really knew who she was, nor where she came from..

Only information that Juvia had was that the golden-haired man was on one of his missions, when he saw Eliana Lockser for the first time.She helped him and after that they started to hang out with each other, to the point they were practically inseparable....

Though, he always said that he felt like Mother had never completely opened up to him. He stated that there were many things that Eliana never shared with him and he couldn't do anything about it.

Juvia never understood that, weren't he and Eliana supposed to be…..friends..?

Well, Juvia never got their relationship, till she grew older.

-We…were close- that was all he would always say. They lived, ate, trained together, spent time with each other and he took care of her child after her death..

......................................

What would her mother think?

Honestly Juvia didn't care...In the end ,she would still end up being alone. Why would that matter?

-"Fine…"- said the girl quietly- "Go...but please don't die and take care of yourself.." - she said , this time devoid of any emotion.

Her guardian looked at her strangely. Then hugged her for the last time.

-"Farewell froggy…"-Funny, she used to hate this pet name ,but now, the thought that this was the last time he would ever call her that, destroyed her completely - "Don't let them push you around, you're strong girl..."- he whispered. Then disappeared into the darkness, leaving Juvie all alone in front of the orphanage door.

So that's it, now she was left completely alone . No mother, no uncle, no friends....no one.

The girl could not stand it any longer. She fell to her knees and started crying as loud as she was able to, drowning in her own tears.

Her screams didn't stop until she heard someone calling her name.

……….Juvia!...

'Who's there?'

….Juvia!….

'What do you want…!'

…..Juvia!.....

'Leave me alone!

....Juvia!....Juvia!...

The girl watched as everything around her began to fall apart

-Juvia...Juvia…JUVIA!!

She knew that voice... Gray?....Wait, he wasn't there at that time...he couldn't be..

-"Juvia, please wake up!" -yelled her terrified fiancé.

Woman finally opened her eyes. Tears were streaming from them, she felt a huge pain in her throat, caused by the screams. She couldn't stop shaking.

'Dream….stupid dream….'

She felt the hands of her beloved on her face. She looked up into eyes that were looking at her with great concern. She couldn't help but whisper his name

-"....Gray…?"

'It was just a bad dream, a meaningless memory from the past'-she told herself.

They looked at each other like that for a good amount of time, until Gray spoke up, in a very quiet and gentle voice.

-" Please..tell me what the nightmare was about," he asked, pulling her into his arms. It had to be a nightmare, he knew that well. But it was the first time he had seen her like this and Gray was petrified.

-"Juvia doesn't remember anymore..."- she knew that lying wasn't the best idea, but she didn't want to tell him about her past now. She was sure that he would be angry at her for hiding it from him.

-"I know you're lying, now tell the truth"- said Gray firmly. Did she really believe Gray would let her go so easily?- "...Please.. be honest with me. You know you can tell me anything."

- "A childhood memory" she said vaguely. It wasn't a lie.

-" I'm sure you didn't dream about the usual bullying you have been through. Please...Juvia..I have a right to know.."

She took a deep breath

-"Juv..I dreamt about my uncle leaving me alone at the orphanage…."- she said quietly, lowering her gaze towards the pillows, she wouldn't be able to look straight into his dark eyes.

- "Uncle? What Uncle?....But you told me you had no family left, that you were all alone.."-he said, shocked.

He has always been sure that he knew everything about his Juvia. She was always very open and straightforward with him. After they became a couple, Gray stopped hiding his thoughts and secrets from her. He thought that she did that too…

And now he finds out about some uncle... who... left her? In the blink of an eye, his mood changed.

-"All this time you've been covering the ass of the asshole who abandoned you?" -he asked, filled with rage.

Gray imagined the silhouette of a man dropping a little, crying Juvie at the door of the orphanage. He felt both anger and hatred towards the mysterious man. He would find him, tear him apart, and make him beg Juvia for forgiveness.

-" No, no...you have misunderstood me.."- he looked at Juvia's red but still beautiful face and all the anger disappeared instantly.

' She stopped using third person'- he noted

-"Firstly he is not my relative, but my mother's companion and secondly he didn't abandon me "- she started- "He's been taking care of me since I was baby. He took care of my needs, he taught me how to use water magic, he basically raised me…But because of his job, he had to travel a lot. Jerry -that's his name- said that it would be dangerous for a weak child like me to stay with him , so I started living in an orphanage. He would always visit me or the other way around...Till.."-she stopped for a moment to compose herself -" Till one day he told me that he needed to leave and that It was for my safety. After that I have never seen him again. "

For a while they sat in silence , hugging each other. Gray wasn't sure what he should say to her…

-"You never saw each other again?''-he asked. 'She just told you that, idiot...Why are you asking her again? To make her cry even more?' - Gray mentally scolded himself.

-"Yeah... I wanted to know how he was doing, i tried to find out what happened to him but..there was nothing"

- "Juvia... he can be…"- he didn't want to finish his sentence. His beloved was already devastated enough.

-'' I know"- she answered-" I have always been prepared for that.. That's why I've stopped looking for him. I accepted that…Until I met with Mrs Revee this afternoon. She used to work at a library in Tempeville - my hometown.

We started talking about old times , then she brought up the topic of Jerry. She asked me if I knew what happened to him….After that I couldn't stop thinking about him…...I guess that's where nightmares came from."

- "Juvia….."- Gray tried to find the appropriate words- "If there is anything I could do…"- He was desperate to do something...He hated being so powerless.

- "No and nothing can be done anyway, he traveled all his life. Trying to find him or his grave would take months if not longer…"

- "Juvia…"

-" It's nothing, darling. Good night"

The girl lay down on her right side and covered herself with a blanket. She tried her best to fall asleep as quickly as possible. She needs to forget all of this, so she can go back to being her happy and positive self. Not gloomy, scary Rainwoman.... Suddenly she felt Gray's breath on her neck and his strong arms around her.

- "I know I don't say this often...but I love you…...and I hate to see you like this...I will do everything in my power to find out what happened to him..."- he whispered ,- "We will start with your home village."

- "Gray...I.... - she didn't know what to say. How dare he make her fall in love even more...-Thank you..Juvia loves you too."

After that both of them were finally able to fall asleep. Tomorrow… they will start preparing for their journey..

************************************************

Author's note: This is probably the most upsetting thing I've ever written , especially the scenes with little Juvia....Ouch..

[habrina-was-wronged]

it still hurts

Habrina fans were bullied into silence.

Now the show is canceled. ruined first with part 4. nabrina was made endgame (kinda) dead anyway. after Nick essentially became Harvey and said & did all the things with Sabrina that Harvey would do/has done

after Roz became a second-rate version of Sabrina by becoming a witch and having a unnecessary conversation about Harvey accepting magic as if he hadn’t already gone to hell AND fought against pagans with a bunch of witches AND helped with a spell/several spells.

AND I’m still seeing so many flooding my feed with nabrina, and it makes me sad. Just reminds me of everything that was ruined by the writers and those fans that were obnoxiously shallow after part 1.

THE SHOW WAS MADE TO BE SO F*CKING FORGETTABLE AFTER. PART. 1!

The show had so much potential. Harvina had a lot of potential (i prefer saying Habrina but whatever) And it was destroyed.

ALL IT CAUSED WAS MAD UNBEARABLE HEARTBREAK.

1415 days after CAOS part 4. It still hurts. I’m so glad I waited months and paid money to see this, R*oberto, YOU ASSH*LE!

1074 days after the Riverdale/RiverVale Sabrina Spellman crossover episode. (if you could even call that a real crossover. That was a Sabrina Spellman in RiverVale, just saying that she had come back to life without explanation and saying “happy sad endings are the best” when really they are barely acceptable when just hastily stapled together. Just like the ending of part 4.)

859 days after the 2nd Riverdale/RiverVale Sabrina Spellman crossover episode. (Mostly made just to boost Riverdale’s ratings with plenty of comic book references, including Sabrina’s look as she meets Jughead.) Kiernan got to kiss her childhood celebrity crush. CAOS fans should be happy, right!? Sure it’s no *part 5* or even a special/movie/reboot or etc. that WOULD BE BETTER, but it’s something. The CAOS fandom is still holding its breath that the reappearance of Sabrina Spellman will result in some kind of reboot/continuation of CAOS. THE PART 5 COMIC BOOKS HAS NOT BEEN WRITTEN/PUBLISHED YET EITHER. At least now nabrina fans are just as miserable as the rest of us because there’s no happy ending there... Just proof that Sabrina being a selfish a-hole means that she can only be happy with her boyfriend (the Handmaiden to her Lucifer) “who calls her ‘brina now” when she’s in the sweet hereafter again. No possible wedding. No possible future kids. No possible future. Only “transformation” or whatever they called it. Which is just death.

AND YES I CONSTANTLY UPDATE HOW LONG IT’S BEEN.

Caos Part 4 was just fan-service fan fiction. Nothing more.

It still hurts. and “it doesn’t matter”

That’s what everyone keeps saying. then why does it still hurt so much?

WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE SABRINA HAD MORE ADVENTURES TO GO ON. MORE STORIES TO TELL.

I’m praying for a reboot/continuation of some kind. That’s not just a comic book.

So Harvey & Sabrina can have that second chance. Maybe they did after Sabrina said goodbye to Nick in Riverdale. Who knows.

IT’S NOT SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE THIS.

IT’S NOT SUPPOSE TO HAVE ENDED LIKE THIS.

[hotchley]

strawberry cheesecake

BAM! IT’S HERE!!! BEFORE MIDNIGHT AS WELL!! It was 23:14 when I hit publish on ao3 and I really do need to go to sleep, but it’s here, with some level of accuracy because I googled what happened when someone has an allergic reaction.

Finally, I, the pioneer of Aaron Hotchner’s strawberry allergy, has written the fic where he eats strawberry cheesecake at an FBI function and has a reaction. It got unexpectedly dark, but we’re going with it.

As usual, I have not proofread it, and I kinda need you to suspend all belief about how the FBI works/is run because the function kinda doesn’t make much sense and yeah... you’ll see what I mean when you read... I’m really hoping this doesn’t suck because you guys actually looked forward to it??

Trigger/Content Warnings; food, referenced child death (most recent case), alcohol consumption, anaphylactic shock/allergic reactions, child abuse, hospitals and I think that’s everything

Word Count: 7669 (it got really out of hand...)

read on ao3!

If there was one thing David Rossi hated more than local press giving unsubs ridiculous names because they believed it would make a good headline, it would be FBI functions. And not just any type of FBI function. The FBI function where the Behavioural Analysis Unit- which nobody had believed in- would be mentioned so frequently that it felt like they were on a case.

It was just his luck that one was being held on the same day that he was supposed to be going to the ballet with one of the lovely women that worked in the White-Collar unit. Because despite the rumours that went flying around about him and his dating habits, he was not going to take advantage of his position and make rookies or anyone else uncomfortable. The woman he was supposed to be meeting had approached him and asked if he’d liked to go.

Hotchner had been watching him, looking slightly scandalised as she had placed her hand on his tie, and so Rossi had said yes. He’d even leant in slightly and asked if she would have a problem with him giving her a kiss on the cheek. When she said that she wouldn't, and would actually quite like that, he did and Hotchner had fallen off his chair.

Rossi had smirked, the lady had laughed and Hotchner had hit his head trying to get back up, gone an even brighter red and made something up about dropping his pen and needing to grab it. Rossi’s date had snickered, whilst Rossi had just raised an eyebrow.

Hotchner had excused himself to the bathroom.

As he ran out of their area, closely followed by Anya- she’d slipped Rossi a piece of paper with her name and number, Erin Strauss had walked in, holding two envelopes.

Rossi didn’t need to be a profiler to know what was in there.

“No,” was the first thing he said.

“David,” Strauss warned.

“Erin,” he mocked.

Strauss sighed. “Look, I know you hate these things, but the entire bureau is founded on politics and people-pleasing. If you come to this, then there may be less questions about what exactly it is you do all day, apart from ogling the other agents.”

“I do not ogle. And I guess it’s too much to hope that the other invitation is for Anya, isn’t it?”

Strauss nodded. “It’s for Aaron. Do try and get him to come, it’ll give us all something pleasant to look at whilst we slowly die inside.”

Dave stared at her.

She rolled her eyes. “Look, I’m not saying that I want to ruin his marriage or sleep with him, I’m just saying he’s objectively attractive. And I don’t know why you look so surprised, Jason told me about the women that flirt with him. And that you started calling him pretty boy, which hasn’t exactly gone unnoticed.”

“Right.”

“Just make an effort to actually attend. And please get Agent Hotchner there too,” she said.

Dave just nodded.

Aaron had returned from the bathroom.

“Agent Hotchner. I hope Dave hasn’t been making you feel too awkward with all of his comments,” she said. It was clear that she was just trying to see whether any had been made.

Aaron’s cheeks flushed again. “Not at all ma’am,” he said, holding the door open for her. She nodded and left, but not before turning to Dave one last time as she gave him an extremely pointed glare. He made a face at her, which caused her to laugh.

When Hotch had sat back down again, Dave finally acknowledged him.

“That trip to the bathroom seemed rather urgent,” he joked.

“I- well, so,” Hotch stuttered.

Dave shook his head. “It’s fine. And it doesn’t look like that date will be happening anyways, so it’s not a big deal.”

“Wait why won’t it be happening? You both seemed… excited at the prospect of going.”

In response, Dave threw the second envelope at his head. Aaron’s reflexes weren’t fast enough, so it just bounced off and landed on the floor. As he bent down to pick it up, Dave began to understand why Erin and the other agents thought of him as being something pleasant to look at. As in, Aaron had pretty eyes. And his hair was constantly falling in his face, which was endearing.

“That envelope is why it won’t be happening.”

Aaron stared at him and then opened it. “Oh.” He seemed even less enthusiastic than Dave did about attending. 

“I thought you would have been thrilled at the thought of going. It’ll be like all those balls you went to when you were just a young boy growing up in the good old South Virginia," Dave said. He knew he was toeing the line.

Aaron's silence about his childhood revealed more than his words ever could.

"First of all, I didn't attend balls when I was a young boy. The only dance I ever went to was my prom, and that was only because Haley basically forced me to go. And South Virginia isn't that good, that's just a stereotype that people have because people live in fancy houses with white picket fences," Aaron snapped. It was uncharacteristically sharp.

"Sorry," Dave said. And he meant it.

Aaron's eyes widened. "Sir, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have lashed out at you. You've not done anything wrong. I just-"

"It's okay. Do you want to talk about it? There's no pressure, it's just if you wanted to. That seemed like quite an extreme reaction to something so trivial." Why was he so bad at this? He could charm any woman he wanted, yet the moment he tried to speak to Hotchner about anything other than work and Haley, he sounded like an idiot.

"I left prosecution because it was always more about politics than actually helping people get justice for the terrible things that had happened to them. And now it just feels like nothing has changed and time that could be spent stopping someone from destroying lives is just going to go on people-pleasing," Aaron confessed. He wouldn't meet Dave's eyes.

Dave wanted to pull him in for a hug, but he knew it would most likely not be well received. He also knew that wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't his place to push. Aaron felt things, more deeply than the rest of them, but he would never admit to anyone that there were certain cases that got under his skin.

Like the one they had just finished. A child wasn't going to be coming home, but the look on the mother's face when they informed her was not one of sorrow. It was one of relief. Aaron had asked to stay behind to speak to her for just one more moment. And when he returned, there was an anger written in the clench of his jaw that Dave had never seen before.

Jason had told everyone to give the kid space. Against his gut instinct, Dave had listened to him. Which he now very much regretted.

"Kid. We all have limits. Nobody can spend every hour of every day hunting down these guys. At the end of the day, we're all just human. I won't lie to you, it will be a lot of people-pleasing. However, it will also- if you let it- be a bit of fun. You're a good agent Hotchner. And an even better person. Let yourself breathe for once."

Aaron looked down. "Thanks Dave."

Dave just shrugged. It was only when Aaron left the room again did he let himself groan. Now he was going to have to pretend to enjoy himself at the function or else Hotchner would just be upset because of his ruined date.

Depending on how you looked at it, the members of the BAU were either lucky or unlucky when no cases turned up the morning of the event. Dave had been watching the fax machine intently, and Max had been looking through a suspicious number of case files the entire day. But in the end, there was nothing.

Which was how Dave found himself standing around, sipping a glass of champagne he thought tasted horrible, talking to strangers he couldn't care less about and silent seething at Hotch. He wasn't there yet, despite phoning Dave to say he would be there in half an hour about forty five minutes ago. 

The only reason he'd bothered to attend and not faked some form of emergency that would let him go on his date with Anya was because he wanted Hotch to have someone to keep him company and make him laugh as he suffered through conversations about being an ex-prosecutor and the change to the FBI.

He was looking round for a waiter so he could take yet another glass when Aaron appeared in the doorway, fiddling with his cuff links. His cheeks were slightly flushed and his hair was more ruffled than usual. As he entered, awkwardly greeting people and tripping over his own feet, Dave rolled his eyes.

How the kid had managed to pass all of his assessments and be the best shot in the entire building was still completely beyond him.

"Hi," Aaron greeted, a dopey grin on his face.

"It's lovely of you to join us," Dave remarked. He just couldn't help it. When Aaron's face fell slightly, he regretted it. He kept forgetting that Aaron took the things people said a bit too literally sometimes. Especially if it came from someone he looked up to.

"I'm sorry about your date being ruined," Hotch said. He was looking around at all the other people in their perfectly tailored suits and beautiful dresses. It made him- with his slightly too big shirt and undone bow tie- look even younger than he already was.

"Well barring any disasters, this should be over in time for me to make it. Anya said she could wait."

There was a slight silence, broken only by Dave rejecting what would have been his third glass of champagne and Aaron quickly accepting it. And then it became too much for him to bear.

"Kid, why is your tie undone?"

Hotch's eyes widened like he had only just realised. Rossi wouldn't have been surprised if that was true. For someone that was a profiler, he was quite oblivious sometimes. Not realising that if you took your vest off and then someone shot at you, you would suffer more than a few bruises, forgetting that his shirt collar wouldn't cover his entire neck, the list went on.

But this was something entirely different. Aaron Hotchner's tie was never undone.

Rossi raised an eyebrow when an entire minute passed without him explaining himself and the colour rose to his cheeks.

"Well, it took me a really long time to do it the first time and then Haley came into our room to grab her bag. And then she really likes it when I get all dressed up because I normally hate doing it- I mean I always hate it- so then she, you know and then I thought I had tied it properly but clearly I hadn't."

Rossi had never heard so many words spoken in a single breath. He did however, understand what the kid was trying to say. "Well at least one of us got to have some fun tonight," he joked.

"Is that why everyone's been staring at me?" Hotch asked, turning his back to Strauss. The woman simply raised an eyebrow, then raised her glass of champagne at Rossi, who glared at her, just because he could.

"Yes," he lied, because he was not about to be the one that explained to him that people were staring at him because he had been deemed the eye candy of the Quantico and therefore, everyone loved him.

"You're lying to me. I can tell! What's the truth?"

Not for the first time, Dave wondered what he'd been thinking when he saw the lead agent in Seattle run after a suspect without any sort of back-up, slip in poison ivy and then carry on running, even though everyone else had realised it wasn't the killer they were after and decided that he would make them into a profiler.

"Are you sure you want to know?" he said, making his voice as serious as he could in a vain attempt to make him change his mind.

"Yes. Because it's nowhere near as bad or as serious as you're making it out to be."

Damn him.

"Fine. But I did warn you. It's because you are- objectively- attractive. And apparently, your slightly repressed accent makes everyone swoon. Also Strauss thinks you have a nice ass," Dave said, completely nonchalant.

Hotch's cheeks went brighter than ever before and he spun round, searching for Erin. She had rather coincidentally turned her back to the two of them as she engaged in a very serious conversation with another Section Chief.

"I- I don't even want to know how you know that," Aaron muttered, stuffing his hands into his trouser pockets, looking like a petulant child.

"Oh I thought you would love it! You're basically a Southern Belle."

Dave was lucky he was immune to the Hotchner Glare as it came out in full force. "Don't call me a Southern Belle. Do you even know what that is?"

Dave shrugged. "I'm sure I could guess. Look, I'm sorry, I'm just being bitter. Come here."

Aaron regarded him suspiciously. "Why?"

If it had been anyone else, Dave would have told them it was a surprise. Or that they wouldn't know until they stepped forward. But Aaron wasn't anyone else, and Dave needed to remember that. There were certain things he just couldn't say.

"We're going to be here for a while. You can't just stand there with your bow tie undone."

Aaron narrowed his eyes, but stepped forward. When Dave reached forward and grabbed the ends, he tensed. To anyone else, it was too minute a gesture to be noticed. But Dave had spent more time reading people than he had with his second wife. He knew why Aaron was tensing. It was why he took as little time as possible tying it neatly, even though he wanted to take forever.

So that the other agents wouldn't be staring and making him self conscious. That was his only reason. It had nothing to do with the attachment he could feel himself forming, and it most definitely was not linked to his desire to help Aaron associate touch with love and comfort.

When he stepped away, Aaron seemed to relax slightly. "Thank you," he said, ever the gentleman.

Dave just shrugged. "You look better with it done properly. Speaking of, where is Haley?"

"What does Haley have to do with me looking better with my tie done properly?"

"Your tie wasn't done properly because of Haley. Come on Hotch, I thought you were meant to be an ex-prosecutor. And we both know the two of you are inseparable."

Hotch flushed, the way he always did when someone mentioned just how in love with Haley he was. Dave found it adorable, even though he hated himself for that. But he knew how important Haley must have been to Aaron's survival, so even though he wasn't her biggest fan, he begrudgingly respected her.

"She's out with her sister," he mumbled. "They made plans ages ago and they've been so excited for it that I couldn't ask her to cancel just to keep me company."

"That's kind of you. Most men probably wouldn't let their spouse just leave them when there's an event like this going on," Dave said. 

"If you want to go on your date I'll cover for you when Strauss comes calling," Aaron said, rather suddenly. 

Rossi frowned at him. Aaron had seemed excited at the thought of spending the evening together when he first arrived and for him to suddenly seem so willing to spend it apart, just so Dave could go on a date with someone who he was sure was lovely but he couldn't envision a future with, was more than a little unusual.

"Like I said, barring any disasters, I should be able to make it. Are you annoyed at me for bringing up Haley? I know that we had a bit of a rocky start when we first met, but I do respect her. And I like to think she appreciates the fact that I keep you alive."

"I'm not annoyed at you for bringing up Haley," Hotch said, huffing slightly. He was fiddling with his cufflinks. Dave wanted to comment on his behaviour, but did not want to be reminded of the no-profiling rule- which Hotch himself had implemented.

"Well you're annoyed at me for something and I would appreciate you telling me, instead of just bottling it up until we're on a case and something else happens."

"Dave, I am fine," Hotch snapped, tone mitigating his words.

"I'm sure you are," Rossi snapped back, turning away. Strauss was frowning at the two of them and he rolled his eyes. Screw etiquette, and screw the people that thought they were being unprofessional and causing a scene.

They were, but he wasn't going to admit it.

"Do you really think I would forbid my wife to do something as harmless as going out with her sister the same night that I have to attend quite possibly the most boring function known to man?" Hotch suddenly asked, tone laced with malice.

"Of course not Hotshot. I was joking," he said, softening his tone as the problem clicked.

"I wouldn't. I'm not her keeper. And I'm not-" he caught himself, shaking his head. "I just wouldn't."

"I know. I'm sorry, it was wrong of me to joke that like that," Dave said, catching Erin's eye. She nodded, clearly pleased that he had resolved something without resorting to violence or shouting.

He didn't acknowledge her. He wasn't an idiot, and he knew that resorting to violence or even raising his voice would lead to some sort of shut down from Aaron. And he did want the kid to enjoy himself, even though he did agree that playing politics whilst people were dying was stupid.

"The decoration is nice," Aaron commented, a few minutes later.

"It is, isn't it? It reminds me of this opera house I took Carolyn to, for one of our anniversaries. Actually, that opera house seems like the sort of place Haley would enjoy going to. I'll give you the name, you can surprise her," Dave said, deciding he would take the win and prod later.

Aaron choked on his champagne, colour rising to his cheeks when he realised people were watching him cough. He cleared his throat once more before turning to Dave, making absolutely no attempt to hide his shit-eating grin.

"What?" Dave said, hating himself for taking the bait.

"I have to tell Haley that you think she's the kind of person that would go and enjoy herself at an opera house."

"Is she not?"

"Dave, for our last anniversary, I took her to the local theatre because they were putting on Pirates of Penzance because that's what got us together. And the year before that, we both thought it was a week later than what it was, so her sister ended up taking us out."

Maybe Dave wasn't as good a profiler as he thought he was, because in his mind, he had a very specific image of Haley, and none of what had just been said fit with that image. He supposed that was what he got for making assumptions, having never actually met her in person.

"Oh, that's certainly interesting," Dave said.

"She's a very interesting woman," Hotch said, smiling so wide it physically hurt Rossi to see because he knew how the BAU burnt out love, and the strain it put on marriages. Hell, he had lived through it.

"Hold onto her Aaron," he said, without thinking.

Aaron frowned. "Of course I will. Dave, you've been acting weird the whole time we've been here. Are you okay?"

In all honesty, he wasn't. He always said he wasn't like Jason. He had no interest in being a mentor, or finding the next generation of profilers. That was never what he wanted. But there was something about Aaron, and his too large suits and his floppy hair that made him feel things he wasn't ready to confront. 

But if he said any of that, Aaron would probably run for the hills. Hell, he probably would too.

"Of course I am. Now loosen up and enjoy yourself. I can tell you want to," he said, smiling when Aaron's eyes sparkled.

"What do you think Strauss would do if I told her I know what she thinks about my butt?" he asked, the smirk on his face far too mischevious for anyone's comfort.

"You can find out now," Dave said, nodding as Strauss approached them.

"Dave. Aaron, you look very handsome," Erin said, looking him up and down once.

Whatever had possessed Aaron just a few moments before had clearly vanished, as his cheeks flushed and he awkwardly stuttered out something that nobody, not even the person speaking, understood.

"Thank you… Ma'am. You look very nice too," he eventually managed to say, sipping his champagne to distract from his failure at speaking.

"Is there something you need?" Dave said.

"No, just making sure you weren't too bitter about your date being cancelled. And also making sure that Agent Hotchner would save both of us a dance after dinner. I'm sure everyone from Quantico wants to know whether or not our Southern Belle can dance," Erin said.

Hotch downed the rest of his glass. "I'm not- it doesn't work like- I don't- I really don't think- fine. One dance. But that is it, and none of you are allowed to laugh if I mess up, because I'm not the dancer. Haley is."

Haley seemed to be a lot of things that Aaron wasn't. Maybe it was part of the reason they were so well-matched.

Erin nodded, smiled at them both, then went to mingle with different people.

"See, everyone thinks you're a Southern Belle!" Dave said, smirking.

"But why? I've done everything I can to repress my accent, and I have done since the day I started law school," Aaron said. He did not whine, because grown men that worked for the FBI do not whine. But if they did, his sentence would have definitely sounded like whining.

"I know, and most days, it's only the slightest thing. I don't really know how everyone worked it out, but they did. And that's fine!"

Hotch pouted.

"Look, if you really don't want to dance, you could always land yourself in the hospital with some kind of injury. I could take you, sneak off to my date, Haley would affectionately roll her eyes and then give you all the kisses you want…" Rossi said, smirking.

"No it's fine. I'm not going to fake an injury, that would be so embarrassing," Hotch replied.

"Then stop pouting, you look like a child. And go mingle with someone else, if you spend the entire time before dinner with me, what will people say?"

Hotch snorted, then schooled his face into a look of neutrality, before nodding and going off to speak to one of the other higher-ups. Rossi noticed, rather fondly, that it was the one person that actually cared about the people involved in their cases, as opposed to just the politics and the prestige.

About five minutes later, he realised he missed the kid. And then he started to panic. Because he didn't get attached to people. Especially not new agents that had too much hope and faith. Not new agents that were that nice. He didn't. He couldn't.

Him and Aaron ended up seated next to each other at the banquet table, because there genuinely was no other way to describe it. It was long, and grand, and every platter was filled to the brim with food of so many different types. Dave honestly could not remember what the function was actually for, but a part of him was tempted to comment that if part of the budget for these events went to the BAU then they'd probably be able to properly fund the unit.

He refrained, if only because Aaron looked so excited at the prospect of finally eating something. Dave had learnt long ago that you had to eat before you came to these events because people loved talking and more often than not, you'd drink the champagne just to get through their conversations, but clearly Aaron hadn't quite learnt that lesson yet.

"So where is that wife of yours?" Max asked, seemingly out of the blue.

Hotch tensed. "Out with her sister. Why?"

"I've only seen you smile like you are now when Haley is around, but I don't see her anywhere," he said, in that annoyingly patronising tone of his.

Hotch relaxed, but flushed. "I-oh. Yeah. She's out with Jessica because they had made plans a while back and they don't really see each other as much anymore because Haley's busy teaching and doing the school production, and Jessica's getting her Masters so," he trailed off.

"I think it's lovely, how much you love Haley," Erin added.

Dave snorted into his glass, not at the fact that Aaron looked so uncomfortable but at the fact that these people hunted down serial killers and criminals for a living, and yet the thing they got the most joy from was teasing a kid about his marriage.

"Right, that's enough being mean to the newbie. What about dessert?" Dave said.

Aaron flashed him a grateful smile. He just shook his head. He remembered when he’d turned up to his first event, Carolyn in awe of all the decorations and outfits, and everyone else had been ruthless with their teasing. He wasn’t about to let Hotch suffer that same fate. He’d probably faint with embarrassment.

Erin laughed at the two of them, and Jason smiled at Dave’s defensiveness over his new protege. One day. One day Jason would get Dave to admit that the way he felt towards Aaron was nothing short of paternal. Max just rolled his eyes, but the waiters came to clear their plates before he could make another biting comment.

Aaron excused himself to the bathroom, and then the dessert was brought out. Dave, being the saint he was, switched his and Aaron’s plates because he wasn’t getting younger and he knew he was meant to be cutting down on his sugar. So if Aaron had the bigger slice, then it would do them both a favour. And it had a whole strawberry to decorate it, not just the jam.

Erin was giving him one of his looks when their eyes met and he resisted the urge to stick his tongue out. He knew what that look meant. It meant Erin had an opinion on whatever he had just done, and it was one he wouldn’t like or approve of. 

“Look, it’s strawberry cheesecake!” Dave exclaimed, poking his fork in Aaron’s direction in an attempt to distract from Erin’s gaze.

The smile that had been plastered across Aaron’s face since they’d been sat down- and Dave really didn’t want to think that it was as a result of Erin’s comment about his butt, although it was the only thing that made sense- faded, and the colour seemed to drain from his face.

“What is it? Come on, you must love dessert, you’re the kid,” Dave said, slightly teasing.

Aaron opened his mouth, seemingly contemplating saying something that he thought would ruin the entire evening, but then he closed it and gave Dave a forced, tight-lipped smile. He almost pushed, but they had been having fun, so he just grinned back and urged Hotch to eat it.

If anyone noticed him wince as he swallowed each bite, or the fear that flickered in his eyes when he ate the strawberry, they didn’t comment. For that, he was grateful. He still had no idea what he was meant to do when the inevitable happened, but so long as nobody realised, he had time to work it out. All he needed was time.

He did really miss Haley though. If Haley had been there, she would have said something on his behalf because she would have known there was no way he would do it himself. It was too late to turn back now though. There was a tiny part of him that secretly hoped he’d outgrown it, but the moment he felt stomach cramps forming, he knew that was wishful thinking. Still, if he was lucky, nothing too serious would happen until he got home. Haley would panic, take him to the hospital and everything would be fine. Nobody else would have to know.

Or so he thought.

He’d gotten so good at not eating strawberries that he had completely forgotten just how badly, and quickly, the effects would hit him. He had forgotten just how allergic he was to the fruit. And he was aware of how stupid that sounded, but it was just one of those things.

Dave was staring. So was Erin. He cleared his throat, awkwardly looking down. When the waiters came out once more to clear the plates away, he smiled at them, hoping his cheeks didn’t seem flushed, or his palms too clammy.

“You promised me a dance,” Dave said, nudging his elbow.

“I did, didn’t I?” Aaron responded, hoping his voice didn’t sound too strained. When he stood up, his vision went slightly fuzzy and unfocused, and he found himself grabbing the table in order to stay upright.

He was going to be fine. All he had to do was make it through another few hours, and there was always a delay between his vision blurring and breathing becoming difficult, so with just a bit of luck, he could still do it.

Luck had never really been on his side.

Erin was standing, talking to Dave, and he couldn’t remember what he was meant to be doing, or why nobody was dancing. Maybe they had just been teasing him when they said he owed them both a dance. Or maybe they were waiting for him to do something. Either way, the confusion wasn’t helping him function.

“Kid, what’s happened to your hand?” Dave said suddenly. It reminded him of that time his cousin had eaten shellfish, but that didn’t make sense. There was no way Aaron had hit adulthood without realising he was allergic to the things they’d eaten.

Aaron stared at him.

Erin grabbed his wrist, the look that crossed her face one of fear and panic. “Aaron.” 

It couldn’t be. There was no way the ugly red rash forming on his hand as they watched him was being caused by an allergic reaction. It just couldn’t, because Hotchner may have been stupid and irresponsible, but there was no way he was that irresponsible.

He cleared his throat.

“Now would be a terrible time to tell you that I’m allergic to strawberries, wouldn’t it?” he rapsed.

Dave’s jaw dropped. “You’re what?”

Aaron Hotchner’s timing had never been good. It had actually always been abysmal. He was born early, in both senses of the word, met the girl he would end up marrying on the last day before a three month holiday which she would spend out of the state, and was generally just not smooth with the way he did things.

So as if on cue, he fell to the ground, completely losing consciousness. Clearly the delay between his vision growing blurry and his breathing becoming shallow was not the large space of time he thought it would be.

“Aaron!” Dave yelled.

Erin dropped to her knees by her side. “Dave, phone for an ambulance. Now.” 

Dave blinked a few times, then realised what she was asking him to do and ran out the room to find the phone. When he was patched through, he realised he had no idea if what Aaron was experiencing was just a reaction, or anaphylactic shock, but he just explained himself as best he could, only relaxing when they said it was likely everything would be fine and they would be there soon.

He re-entered the room only two minutes later, and Aaron was still in the recovery position.

“The idiot doesn’t have an EpiPen on him. I don’t know why, but he doesn’t, so now we literally have to wait until the ambulance gets here and hope for the best,” Erin said, some strange mix of angry and terrified.

“He doesn’t have his- what kind of- why not?” Dave said.

When he looked around the room, he realised it was suddenly startlingly empty. It was just Erin, him, Aaron- who still hadn’t come around- and Jason. Max was suspiciously absent. He figured that was for the best. If anyone would make the situation more awkward than it already was, it’d be Max.

“He managed to get everyone to go downstairs, then said he would stay with them. We figured the less people around when he woke up, the less embarrassed Hotchner would be,” Jason explained. “And on that note, I’ll go explain to the paramedics what happened,” he added, as sirens filled the air.

“Dave, when did our lives suddenly become co-parenting this mess of an adult if only so he gets home safe to Haley?” Erin suddenly asked.

“We don’t co-parent him. No. We just… look after him the way we would do with any other new agent that was his age,” Dave said, although he wasn’t even convincing himself. Erin didn’t respond, just looked at him with that glint in her eye.

He didn’t get the chance to carry on with his argument because Jason entered with the paramedics, and him and Erin moved away. It seemed like they had already been informed that Aaron didn’t have an EpiPen on him, because the first thing they did was inject him. There was one terrifying moment, in which Erin grabbed his wrist, where Dave thought they were too late, but they weren’t. 

Aaron opened his eyes, obviously disoriented and immediately after lifting his head, let it hit the floor again. He seemed far too pale, but nothing gave the impression that he was going to be sick, so Dave relaxed. When he and Erin were finally able to go over, Aaron was almost done answering their questions, some of the colour returning to his face in the form of flushed cheeks.

If he was capable of embarrassment, then everything was going to be fine.

“We’re going to need to take him to the hospital for observation and to make sure he doesn’t have a secondary reaction, but one of you is welcome to come. In fact, it would be preferred, wouldn’t it Aaron?” one of the paramedics said.

Aaron nodded, not quite meeting anyone’s eyes.

“Dave, you should go. Aaron, I don’t want to see you in the office until you’ve been cleared both by the doctors and by Haley to return. Do you understand me?” Erin chastised, sound every bit the mother Aaron had never had.

He nodded miserably, closing his eyes, and for a few moments, Dave felt terrible for him because so many pieces seemed to be falling into place now. And then he remembered that the whole thing had been caused by Aaron not saying he was allergic. He still felt terrible, but he also wondered what the hell he was meant to say to Haley.

“Come on kiddo,” he said as gently as he could, helping Aaron to his feet and into the elevator.

When he was safely sat in the ambulance, and they were well on their way to the hospital, he raised an eyebrow at Aaron who pulled a face.

“Don’t,” he protested weakly.

“So you’re allergic to strawberries,” Dave said. “How long have you been sitting on that piece of information for?”

“I’ve known since I was four and ended up in the hospital after I went strawberry picking with my mother and ate one of them.”

“Aaron, nobody was going to be offended. You could have just said something, it would have been okay. Really, you can’t judge someone just because they have an allergy, and everyone would have just moved on. You didn’t need to eat it.”

Aaron swallowed. “When I was eight, my father bought strawberry tarts for my mother and I, because he knew she had friends round and he wanted to seem like a dutiful husband. He didn’t- she’d kept the first time a secret from him because he’d been out of town. And when she tried to tell him, he said I was being difficult, then he made me eat it whilst she told her friends everything was fine. I only survived because she snuck in with my EpiPen.”

“Oh kid,” Dave said, chilled to the bone.

He shook his head. “I knew, realistically, that nobody would say anything, but I just couldn’t shake the memory of being told that if I was going to waste food, then I didn’t deserve it.”

“Aaron, that’s not-”

“I know that. Now at least. Thanks for not reacting weirdly. Or thinking less of me.”

“Agent Hotchner- are you still esquire, oh it doesn’t matter, esquire- nothing would ever make me think less of you. Especially not this. It wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault, and I know it’s easy for me to see, but I need you to know that.”

Aaron gave him a slight smile, eyes watering. “Thank you Dave.”

“I do have one question though. Where the fuck was your EpiPen?”

He made a sound, one that Dave was not going to dignify by actually naming in his head.

“That didn’t sound like an answer young man,” he teased.

Aaron sighed. “It- okay. My blazer pockets weren’t big enough to fit it, and I figured strawberries isn’t exactly a common thing, so it would be fine if I left it in the car, but then I didn’t want to say anything, and then I passed out before I could- oh.”

“What?”

“Did everyone see me collapse?”

Dave considered lying, but Aaron had bared his soul to him. He owed him this small piece of honesty. “Yes, but they also witnessed me running like a headless chicken to get to the phone and Erin completely freaking out, so it’s all okay. I promise.”

Aaron nodded, not fully convinced. “Thank you. For caring.”

And one day, Dave would teach him that caring was what people did for each other. That it wasn’t something he had to earn, or something that would be snatched away at the smallest transgression. He would teach him that the love he had always deserved but never been shown was going to come from more than just Haley. It was going to come from every single good person he knew.

But in that moment, he just leant over and ruffled his hair. And maybe the gesture was paternal, but he could live with that.

“Mrs Hotchner’s been waiting for you all to arrive,” the receptionist said the moment they came through the doors. Aaron relaxed at the mention of his wife.

“You can send her in as soon as we go in. He’s been treated, we’re just keeping him for observation,” the paramedic said. The receptionist nodded and turned to one of their colleagues, who immediately got up.

Dave hung around as they got him situated, wondering when would be an appropriate time to leave. He didn’t want to step on Haley’s toes, or make her feel like she wasn’t trusted, but he also didn’t really want to leave either of them. Not if the real timeline matched the one he’d created in his head. She would have just been a child too, but children always believed that they needed to save everyone and anything less was a failure. He didn’t know how to say that their job was to be a child, and it was on the adults to keep them safe without patronising the two of them.

So he sat instead, keeping Aaron company until he was no longer needed.

Haley came rushing in the moment she was allowed to, her eyes slightly red. They must have told her how severe the situation was, and Dave felt guilty for making her panic so much, when Aaron was doing much better already.

“Baby, they told me what happened. How are you feeling? Is your heartbeat erratic? Is there anything you need?” she asked, not even acknowledging Dave. He wasn’t offended though. The love Haley had for her husband was the most fierce thing he’d witnessed, and now he understood. She’d spent her entire life defending him and the love she had for him.

He shook his head, then grinned at her. “Kiss me?” he asked, and for a moment, he was just a normal man, so in love with his wife it physically hurt to witness.

“I shouldn’t- me and Jess had strawberry margaritas before we got the phone call. She’s coming round tomorrow to check on you herself by the way,” Haley said, brushing his hair off his head with a smile.

Aaron nodded. “I’d expect nothing less. Oh Haley, this is Dave. And Dave, this is Haley.”

“It’s lovely to meet you,” Dave said. 

“You too. So, what happened? Because you told me it was just a function, and then when I got home, there was a message from the hospital that you were being brought in for anaphylactic shock which doesn’t make any sense because you don’t eat strawberries anymore!” Haley said.

Aaron had the decency to look away. “I didn’t want to cause a scene so I ate this slice of strawberry cheesecake. And I thought it would be fine- well not fine, don’t look at me like that. I thought I’d be able to last till I got home. I’m sorry.”

“Baby, I’m not angry, don’t worry,” Haley said, taking his hand. “Just do what the doctors say, okay? And please don’t eat strawberries anymore just to be polite.”

“I’m afraid I may have made it worse,” Dave confessed, needing them to know, even though it had not been intentional, by any stretch of the imagination.

“What do you mean? How?” Haley asked. Aaron lifted his arm enough to signal that he had the same question.

“I switched our plates when they got given to us so Aaron had the bigger slice. It also had a whole strawberry on it, instead of just half a slice. Maybe if I hadn’t done that, his reaction would have been less severe. I’m sorry.”

Haley, in spite of, or maybe because of that single comment, started laughing. Aaron just watched her laugh with a smile on his face like he had never seen something so beautiful, and he probably never had. Dave watched them, confusion across his features.

“I’m sorry. It’s not funny. It’s just- Dave you have nothing to apologise for. He was always going to have a reaction. And given that he didn’t even have his EpiPen-”

“It was in the car,” Aaron said, not quite whining but definitely getting close.

“Didn’t have his EpiPen,” Haley said, like Aaron hadn’t even spoken, “it was probably always going to end like this. I’m just laughing because you sound like such a parent. Like switching slices is something my dad did for me and Jess when we were little. It’s cute.”

Aaron looked to Dave, fearful and hopeful all at once.

“What can I say? Erin and I need to make sure someone keeps an eye on him,” he said. There were a lot of things in his life he wasn’t proud of. There were lots of mistakes he had made. But this? Being considered Aaron’s parent? It would never be one of them.

Aaron smiled at him, the light in his eyes returning. Haley nodded her approval. When the nurse came in a few minutes later to check Aaron’s vitals, the silence felt comfortable and natural, as though they had already become attuned to the others’ needs.

“Are you two going to be okay?” Dave asked. Someone needed to tell Erin that he was okay, and he really wanted to go to bed. He realised that he hadn’t even considered trying to salvage his date with Anya. He supposed they could always reschedule. Besides, Aaron was more important now.

Haley nodded. “Yeah, I’ll drive us home, make sure he takes a bath and have him back and safe with you on Monday, don’t worry.”

Dave stood up and started heading towards the door. “Oh don’t worry too much about rushing back to us. I’m sure we’ll survive. His cute butt will be missed, but we’ll make it through.”

Haley snorted. “Aaron didn’t I say that there was no way people hadn’t noticed?”

Aaron did not reply, but he did glare at both of them.

Dave smiled. Just before he left, he hesitated for a moment, wondering whether or not it was the time and the place. But he just couldn’t resist. “So are there any other allergies we need to be aware of? Shellfish, pollen, nuts? Pretty ladies that want you to call them back?”

“Dave!” Aaron said, and this time it was definitely a whine.

He just smiled, leaving Aaron and Haley in the hospital room. Had it been a normal event? No. But he wouldn’t trade the night for anything in the world. After all, he had just found a whole new family. And he couldn’t wait for Haley to meet Erin. The two of them would definitely cause Hotcher a whole new level of embarrassment.

It was going to be the messiest and most random family to exist, but a family nonetheless.

[veilder]

"Don't worry, I'll take care of you" - North60

Another prompt fill that I actually managed to get done? What?! Well, you're as surprised as I am. XD Anyway, I have no idea if this is even good or not but I guess I'll post it anyway. This is set vaguely as the third piece in the North60 series I intend to write. (The first part of it is published already but I've been working on the second for a long time and it's still not done. >_<) So if anyone is a bit OOC, just blame it on some intended character growth that's already theoretically happened, lol. So yeah... here's to the very few of you out there who love this ship as much as I do. Enjoy? 😅

butterflies around the flame

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it."

Sixty pauses, looking over to North as she sidles up beside him on the gangway. She wears her expression of steely determination just as fittingly as her slightly-singed tactical suit and Sixty can’t help the small burst of assurance both sights inspire in him despite his current irascibility. His scanners pick up a myriad of weapons on her person, knives and guns and batons and tasers, and it soothes some basic part of his coding that crows at him to keep her safe. She can look out for herself. Hell, she can look out for him too if the way she's muttered that phrase several times over the course of their friendship is anything to go by. Time and again she's looked out for him, vouching for him to her friends, taking him on as her second-in-command in the security corps, mediating disputes he manages to get himself involved in, etc.

And here and now too, apparently, she's decided to shoulder the responsibility for his actions. Even as he stares, she nods her head down to the burnt edges of his jacket and trousers, waving a lazy hand to the entirety of his ash-encompassed form. "I’m serious, I’ll talk to them. You did what you had to and I'll make sure Markus knows it. Losing one building is better than what would've happened without the distraction."

Sixty frowns, doing his best to nonchalantly lean against the metal railing as he peers down at the gathered deviants below. The deviants he had done his best to save during the pandemonium. The deviants who stood huddled and scared and singed because of his stupid plan. They were lucky... Lucky to make it out. No thanks to him.

"I could've taken the humans down myself," he says eventually, a scowl crawling its way across his face. "Far less collateral damage. Quick and efficient. You know I could've, North." He snaps his gaze back towards her. "This could've killed them." He nods his head towards the crowd below. "I could've killed them. And for what? A crazed mob of humans hellbent on destroying us?"

North shakes her head. "But you didn't kill them. You didn't kill anybody, Sixty. We have you to thank for everyone making it out alive. Even the humans." Her words are soft but her eyes shine brightly, that same righteous anger burning through them as courses through his Thirum lines. She's just as upset about the attack as he is. He knows this. After all, she'd been on guard when it all went down, too. She'd heard his transmissions, understood what he was planning. She'd led the evacuation of New Jericho personally and perfectly in sync with him springing his trap. And now, huddled in an abandoned warehouse near the wreckage of the original Jericho freighter, the harried android population coming full-circle in the worst of ways, they are the only two who can explain the full situation to Markus.

Somehow, just knowing how incandescently angry North is about all of this is enough to stabilize his systems a bit, his dangerously high stress levels sinking back down to a more moderate rate. "Well, can't have His Leaderness getting all up in arms with me for snuffing out a few organics, now can we? Not after last time."

North snorts, the sound inelegant and coarse, and Sixty feels his stress levels sinking even more. But when she looks up at him, she is far from amused, her eyes burning with resolve as a wicked, cruel smile teases the edges of her lips. "Your restraint is admirable, Six. Can't say I wouldn't have taken the shot if I were in your place."

Here in the dim light, her uniform practically fades into the darkness. Her vibrant hair is tied back and hidden, her hands are gloved, her face is cast in shadows. Every part of North is dimmed and defeated, even her muttered words wreathed in fury and despair.

But even with her glaring down at the assembly like an avenging angel, her palpable fury emanating from her like a physical thing, Sixty can't help but scoff. "You wouldn't." He smirks as her eyes snap back to his, the challenge in her gaze masking the vulnerability underneath. "You wouldn't take the shot," he says again. "You wanna know how I know?"

Hesitantly, she nods, enough suspicion in her gaze to make him cackle. (Which he does. Loudly.)

Sixty reaches out and takes her hand, giving her his own crooked, slightly deranged smile in return. "It's because I didn’t. And that’s because of you." He squeezes her hand, the pulse of her Thirium lines under the sensitive sensors of his fingertips as mesmerizing as it is reassuring. "You've always been better than you seem to think you are. You wouldn't take a life if there was another option. That's never been you, even at your lowest." He chuckles softly. "You always protect. Even when you hate someone or something, you always try to find the best option. You 'take care of things'. That's how I came to be here in the first place, isn't it?"

North's grip is firm in his own as he flashes her another grin and Sixty can feel it, the way she retracts her skin even with the barrier of cloth between them. Without thought, without care, he reciprocates, letting his own Thirium coating recede back into the magnetized nodes dotting his chassis. The two of them sink into the interface, the low hum of each other's minds a sweet and soothing backdrop to the chaos all around them. The interface is only surface level, not deep enough to be anything other than an awareness of each other, but it is enough to magnify North's words through his whole self as she speaks: "But I never hated you. Not like them."

Sixty merely laughs. "But you should've."

And there is no contestation. She knows as well as he the sins of his past. But she's never judged him for them, not once. It's perhaps what he loves most about her, her willingness to accept his flaws. Even here and now, with the ashes of their people's dreams upon his body, she never once hesitated to accept him. It's enough to incite a 0.33 second timing fluctuation in the steady beat of his Thirium pump. The error message that accompanies it is a familiar friend in her presence these days.

In the warmth of their interface, Sixty continues on: "But you know as well as I do that you don't need to like someone to do the right thing." He spares a brief moment to think of his hallowed predecessor and the complicated relationship between them.

North nods. "Yeah, I... I know, Six. I know." She glances up at him through her eyelashes. "When the hell did you end up the voice of reason?"

Sixty snorts out a laugh. "I have my moments."

Her smile is genuine this time as she stares up at him. "You sure do."

And though his records will later tell him that this moment lasted less than a second, Sixty swears they stare at each other for an eternity. Time slows as if his preconstruction software has started up, each prolonged moment a gift for his harried system. And when at last they draw apart, breaking the shallow interface at last, they both do so with a smile and severely diminished stress level.

"Alright, I still need to explain things to Markus and Josh and Simon," North reiterates. "I'm sure they're here somewhere."

Sixty nods. "Yeah, they're over in that corner," he says, pointing.

North's scandalized face is enough to have him laughing again. "Sixty! You knew they were here all along?!"

"Of course," he laughs, "I've got the best scanners on the market. They've been here the whole time. They've been delegating or something, I'm not sure."

"Why didn't you say something!"

"Well quite frankly, I needed a moment. And then you needed a moment. And then we were having a moment, so..."

"Ugh, I can't believe you! I need to go. Now."

But before she can walk off, Sixty sidles in front of her. "Whoa whoa whoa, I think you mean we need to go. Right?"

She stares at him, uncomprehending.

"Okay, lemme put it to you this way then," he chuckles. "We will go explain my actions to the Big Boss. Then we can check on the security team and see if they're still doing alright. And then we can go find a quiet spot where we can try and beat the shit out of each other for a bit. Y'know. Let off some steam. Relax." He gives her a wink and revels in how her lips twitch at the sight.

"...You wouldn't insist if you hadn't already made up your mind, huh?" She doesn't even wait for him to confirm it before continuing, "Well, alright. Because that... That sounds good, Six.” North says. And then quieter, as if she was speaking only to herself, she mutters, “What would I ever do without you?"

Her whispered question rings sincere through Sixty's audio processor. He saves the soundbyte for further review and answers, "You'd take care of things. You always do."

And she smiles, so soft and sweet that another Thirium pump error flashes across Sixty's HUD. "Yeah. I always do. But it’d be less fun without you here."

Sixty reaches out a hand again and thrills when she accepts it, the two of them walking together along the gangway down to where the rest of the Jericho leadership are stationed. He chuckles. “I knew you kept me around for something.” This time, it’s him who initiates, opening up another interface for them to connect with. North reciprocates immediately and it makes Sixty proud to feel how much calmer she is now. “But I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that. I pity the poor idiot who tries to make me leave now. You’d tear them apart.”

North’s eyes flash, a sinister gleam accompanied by another cruel grin. “I’d 'take care of them'.”

Sixty barks out a hearty laugh, so enamored, so proud. “And I'll take care of you."

She chuckles right back and squeezes his hand, a steady warmth pulsing through their connection. "And maybe I'd even let you." And with eyes facing forward with renewed determination, she pulls him along with her towards their goal. “Now come on, Security Officer. There’s work to be done.”

----------------

Bonus:

Markus: "So... You're saying that you're the one who blew up New Jericho?" Sixty: "Yep!" 😃 Markus: [turning to North] "And you're saying you... encouraged him to do this?" North: "Sure did!" 😀 Markus: [staring into the camera like it's The Office] "If ever there were a time for someone to invent alcoholic Thirum, it's now." Sixty & North: 😀😀😀

[kittyreading]

Manga Master List: Recommendations and My Personal Wish List

!!//PLEASE READ//!!

Below is every manga from my amazon wishlist I would recommend(as of February 11 2021) with a picture and a 3-5 sentence explanation of what the manga is about. Underneath will also be the number of volumes I have read, the number I own, and it’s status of ongoing or complete and how many volumes it has. This way you can decide for yourself if you think I have read enough of it to give an accurate recommendation.

This list only includes manga you can purchase (including digital purchases) from the wishlist. I decided that I would in fact include my personal amazon manga wishlist here and at the bottom for people to buy THEMSELVES a copy of any of these manga they would like. Keep in mind many of these won’t have volume 1 in the list but you should be able to get to the series page from the list. If a manga shows up on the amazon list that I did not include in this one that is because I have not read enough of them(or any of them) to recommend. Ok? Cool, enjoy the list!!

1. The Girl from the Other side is about a little girl living with a gentleman monster. It is a supernatural mystery with beautiful art.

Own: 0

Read 4

Series: Ongoing at 9 volumes

2. Pumpkin Scissors is a military fantasy about a War Veteran named Randal Oland who joins the pumpkin scissors core to help with war relief and uncover the deep corruption of the government. It is similar in themes to FMA in the sense it appears to be based on a World War, and corruption of government but it more focused on the power of the noble houses in government. There is also a fun science element but it is not as in focus as in FMA. The two but are very very different overall tho. Only 5 volumes were distributed in physical English copies as the publishing company went bankrupt, all others are only available digitally. (I couldn’t get the manga vol. 1 cover to work so the picture above is a poster for the anime)

Own: 0

Read: around 10

Series: Ongoing at 23 volumes

3. Monthly Girls Nozaki-kun is a slice of life about a bunch of highschoolers. Nozaki is the mangaka of a popular Shoujo manga who uses his personal experiences with friends to create his monthly comic series. It is a fun gender stereotype reversal manga with a large cast of both male and female characters (one could be HC as genderfluid but she’s still canonically female at this time) The manga is one of the easiest to read as the panels are mostly in straight down rectangles so the pages are extremely easy to follow and is very funny.

Own: 1

Read: 11

Status: Ongoing at 12 volumes

4. Yu-Gi-Oh! is well known to be about the card game yu-gi-oh, using magic and myths to further the story, HOWEVER, Yu-gi-oh! is the “Season 0″ of the series it is much darker than to be expected and there is no card game. The Yu-gi-oh most are familiar with is Yu-gi-oh Duelist (just found this out myself) and is the Yu-gi-oh you probably already know. There is no overarching plot to this mini series it is just Yugi fucking shit up playing games and destroying some bullies. I have yet to read any of Duelist as of the creation of this post therefore I cannot recommend it :/ 

Own: 5 (1-3 & 6-7)

Read: 7

Status: Completed at 7 volumes

5. The Way of the House Husband is about a former yakuza who gets married and flips his script. He becomes a house husband for his working wife and carries on doing chores and errands while still looking and acting scary unintentionally and getting himself in trouble. It is a slice of life comedy with some adult jokes but is over all extremely funny and pleasant to read.

Own: 0

Read: 2

Status: Ongoing at 7 volumes

6. Hikaru no Go is about a highschool boy who finds a haunted Go board. He meets the ghost who once was a prolific Go player. Together they work to become a world class Go champion meeting new people along the way. This series was cut short due to legal issues with a real Go player and therefore will remain unfinished but the story that is there is golden. It is still one of the most popular manga in Japan.

Own: 0

Read: 5

Status: Complete at 23 Volumes

7. Zatch Bell! This manga is about a teenager named Kiyo who gets sent a young boy with amnesia named Zatch Bell who turns out to be an alien called a momodo. Now the two must battle other momodo in order to understand what happened to Zatch and to make Zatch the new king. Along the way they make many friends and save both the momodo and human worlds. This one is difficult because it is a classic that did not do well in America so the volumes are expensive and the series is unfinished in English. You can only buy 27 of the volumes in English and a few of them are almost impossible to find, however it is well worth the money if you can afford it and it is available online.

Own: 6 (1-5 & 13)

Read: 15

Status: Complete at 33 Volumes only 27 printed in English (you can finish series online)

8. Fullmetal Alchemist is a cult classic most have read it, watched the series, or heard of it at the very least. This is one of the most popular Manga of all time and for good reason. The manga is about 2 brothers Alphonse and Edward on a journey to return their bodies to normal after committing the taboo of human transmutation. The manga has themes of racism, government corruption and manipulation of the military. The versions on my wishlist are the special Fullmetal Editions so they will have a different price point and volume number than the regular volumes or the omnibuses’ 

Own: 12

Read: 12

Status: Complete at 27 Volumes

9. Princess Jellyfish is about a young woman who is sort of an outcast otaku living with 5 other otaku women. She has a deep love for jellyfish as they remind her of her late mother. She meets a beautiful woman who turns out to be a male college student and slowly comes out of her shell making new friends and growing with old ones as well. This manga is very sweet and I really don’t know what else to say haha.

Own: 0

Read: 4

Status: Complete at 17 volumes

10. !!!HUGE TW FOR EATING DISORDERS!!! In Clothes Called Fat is a, oneshot, non romanticizing story of an office woman trying to lose weight and developing several eating disorders in the process. She goes through hardships in relationships and bullying as well. It has a bittersweet ending and should be read with caution but it is beautifully done. Please do not read this if you are under the age 16 at the very youngest there are NSFW moments as well as just generally not being a topic for younger audiences.

Own: No

Read: Yes

Status: Completed one shot

11. My LOVE Story!! Is an adorable Slice of Life shojo about a highschooler named Takeo Gouda, his girlfriend Yamato, and his best friend and hear throb Suna. This series is rather refreshing as the relationship starts pretty much immediately, the best friend is very supportive, and it is focused on Takeo’s personality over looks as he is often compared in manga to a gorilla or bear. It is a generally heart warming story with some emotional side plots. The ending is sort of sudden but it’s really enjoyable.

Own: 6 (1-3,8,10-12)

Read: 13

Status: Completed at 13 Volumes

12. Soul Eater is pretty popular but if you don’t know what it is about it is about a Weapon named Soul and his Meister Maka. They attend a school that teaches them how to defeat people before they turn into Demons, saving the world in the process. Once a weapon eats 100 evil souls and a witches soul they can become the new death Scythe! That is the plot presented, and it of course goes off into a much more complicated storyline. It is super fun and engaging with a fascinating plot near the end.

Own: 5

Read: 15

Status: Completed at 25 Volumes

13. D. Gray-Man is a little complicated. Similarly to Soul Eater D. Gray-Man is a story based around defeating people turned demon and the saving of the world through an organization, however the plot gets very complicated very quickly. The art is some of the most interesting and beautifully fun art I’ve come across and the characters are (so far as I’ve read) all amazing. The story has a lot of christian influence and is one you have to really keep up with to understand but I recommend it regardless!

Own: 10

Read: 10

Status: Ongoing at 27 Volumes

14. One-Punch Man is also very popular and is about a man who becomes so strong he only needs to punch you once to completely annihilate you, and it greatly annoys him. This manga greatly touches on the themes of self worth as Saitama becomes a hero that no one seems to want. The fights are fun and engaging, tho at times can be difficult to read. The art is gorgeous, with some of the most heavily detailed work I have ever seen.

Own: 3

Read: 7

Status: Ongoing at 21 Volumes

15. The Boy and The Beast is the manga adaptation of the movie by the same name. This is a bittersweet story about a boy who finds a family in the land of the beasts and the repercussions of this intermixing. It is sweet and sad and there’s not much else to say, but that it is a beautifully crafted story.

Own: 1

Read: 1 (but I’ve seen the movie and read the light novel)

Status: Complete at 4 Volumes

16. MAR is not a manga I should be recommending as I genuinely don’t think I have read enough of the story to do so but I love it so much I’m going to anyway. MAR is a classic Isekai Shonen, a kid goes through a door into another world and has to fight a war to save it, there is a super fun magic system and some wonderful story building with genuinely enjoyable characters and battles. I am recommending this more based off the anime than the manga itself because it was one of my absolute favorites when I was younger, so take from that what you will! This manga has the same issue Zatch Bell does however, the series did not do amazingly so the volumes can be expensive!

Own: 3

Read: 3

Status: Complete at 15 Volumes

Thank you for your time haha! I hope you liked the list, here is my wishlist again and if you have any questions please let me know!! I will try to keep this master list updated as it and the wishlist will only continue to grow, but I make no promises for doing it often. Making this took me a very long time so I hope you like it!

[mysticalwaterdroplet]

WARNING! Looooooooooooong venting ahead about why d/h sucks. So if you ship it and have somehow Goren lost in this tag, turn around, cuz if you continue you might get hurt. You have been warned. Also I guess language warning and mature themes...? Just to be safe. I'd also like to give y'all a little side note: I guess I am what people would call a Hawks stan. I personally really like his character and find him intriguing, however I am completely capable of admitting that Hawks has done sum fucked up shit. I still however "stan" Hawks, so I'm going to show why d/h is shit from a logical Hawks stans point of view. Anyways, without delving too deep into the whole Dabi vs Hawks stuff, since I'm not here for it, I'm here to talk about the shitshow that's dabihawks. So, first of all I'll give y'all a lil back story as to why I'm here. Long story short: I accidentally stumbled upon some d/h art and people who still defend the ship (with already debunked theories mind you), I felt kinda sick to my stomach, so I need to vent. Like they were referring to the fight where Hawks killed Twice and basically said: "DiD yOu SeE hOw HaWkS wAs OnLy LoOkInG dAbI iN tHe EyEs ThE wHoLe TiMe. 🤪 ThAt'S sO gAy!?!?!??!??" Bish, where was Hawks and Dabi supposed to look at? THE WALL??? They were fighting! Of course they have to keep an eye on each other. They were also talking about how "DaBi JuSt GoT jElLy CaUsE HaWkS wAs HaNgInG oUt WiTh TwIcE, aNd Is JuSt ClAiMiNg HaWkS!" And they were saying so much more nasty shit that I'd like to write here, but I don't think I physically can, and I also want to spare everyones brains, cuz I already took the L, like if any of y'all know how to get back my brain cells hit me up. I also noticed a common theme of people making Hawks the bottom to like a point where they thirsted over the idea of Dabi "destroying" Hawks' insides, if you know what I mean. Which seems to be the opposite for many of you guys here with finding stuff where Dabi is the bottom? I mean I know many of you guys probably don't like Hawks, but you gotta admit that it's fucked up to think that these shippers think it's hot that one of the people in their makeshift relationship gets seriously hurt in the act without consent. Whether it is Dabi or Hawks they put in that position is irrelevant, they literally like the ship because it's toxic and someone gets hurt. Like in what world would Hawks let Dabi willingly even get close to him or vice versa. We all know damn well that they despise each other. Horikoshi has literally shown that these two never trusted each other, never even tolerated each others shit, so why oh why did this become a thing?! Also, and I know that this can sound annoying to some people... But as a Hawks stan, I don't understand how people can say: "YeAh, I sTaN HaWkS UwU 👉👈, hIm AnD dAbI dEsErVe eAcH oThEr AnD aRe So GoOd ToGeThEr." "ThEy DeFo FuKiN'! Is CaNoN! 🤪" Like:

So... Are we just gonna forget that Dabi literally burnt Hawks' wings off? (Which was understandable looking at the context.) Or how Dabi sent some goons after his mother? Or the fact that Hawks literally idolised the very man that Dabi hates with a burning passion? The shippers: "Oh, BuT hIs WiNgS wIlL gRoW bA-" Bish! The fact that Hawks didn't die or that his wings are allegedly growing back doesn't mean the ship is relevant again. Hoooooo... it's like I can't catch a breather once in a while. How are people trynna stan someone and then say: "Yeah, let's pair our favourite person with the person that is trying to hurt them." HOW!? My initial reaction when Hawks and Dabi interact is: "Fuck. Someone's gonna get hurt." Like if I could have it my way Dabi wouldn't be anywhere near Hawks, they are a danger to eachother. There is no damn way I'd want to see the character I stan for hurt, so why do so many damn stans ship it! I just can't wrap my mind around the "appeal". I just don't see the sexual tension that these people talk about. Anyway I could probably write a whole ass book as to why I personally don't like this ship

but frankly I don't wanna waste your time since it's toxic.

I would like to however debunk a couple of already debunked theories that people use justify the relevance of d/h.

The "childhood friends" theory: Yup. People still cling to it. However Horikoshi literally trashed, stomped on and lit the theory on fire. We saw that Touya went to a regular school and was trained personally by Endeavor. While Hawks was in the commission. There is no way that they knew each other. The way Dabi got Hawks' real name was through his mother. Dabi ain't dumb, he's actually smart and calculating to a point it's almost a little scary.

The "Dabi freed Hawks and Hawks will turn into a villain": Boi.... Dabi didn't free Hawks off anything. Dabi tried to kill him and exposed Hawks and his wrongdoings to the world. That ain't love. Hawks isn't even Dabi's main focus, Hawks is literally just one insignificant part of Dabi's plan. Also, like Horikoshi has wonderfully brought into light, Hawks would never turn to villainy. He didn't even kill Best Jeanist. And he's still, after everything, saying "Endeavor is in trouble." Clearly insinuating that he's going to still help Endeavor. This man is the last person to just become a villain. And people have the audacity to say he'd become a villain because of Dabi. I have no words.

Besides even if for example the childhood friends theory was true (which it isn't, but let's humour the thought) or even IF they were foils, it wouldn't change shit. We'd still be in this situation where they despise each other. Childhood friends wouldn't automatically mean that they'd get along as adults.

-------------------------------------------

Anyways, if you made it this far, you're a damn trooper. Thanks for letting me vent.

And as a short note to end on: I hope I didn't come off as too aggressive. That's not my intention here. Also the text is way less polished and thought out than I'd like it to be, but I honestly don't have the time or energy to give y'all a publishable version of "Why d/h sucks": the Book. So instead you get this. A hastily put together vent cuz I saw sum shit alright.

TLDR: People with a brain can see that these two aren't in love. There has to be some major mental gymnastics in play to get any whiff of chemistry from these two.

[insertdeeplyrics]

On the ending of Supernatural

Hi, I’ve never actually posted anything on Tumblr of my own creation (I mostly reblog stuff), but I’ve just seen the ending of Supernatural, and given that this is where I’ve been fed my SPN content, it felt right to share my thoughts here. I’m sure nobody is going to read this, but whatever, I just need to get this out of my chest. Sorry in advance if this is too long, but I have to type this out if I want to move on.

I still need to take some time to process everything that’s happened, because it is a lot. I did have my hopes up for the finale, thinking that Cas would at least show up, but like many of the fans, I was let down.

So I guess that would be the first issue I had with the episode. Regardless of what Dean felt towards Cas, if he reciprocated his feelings or not (which he totally did, I mean, we have all been watching the same show for 12 fucking years, and if you don’t believe me, there are plenty of metas that would support this statement), he still is his best friend and it doesn’t sit right with me the fact that he doesn’t even try to find a way to rescue Cas from the Empty. And okay, maybe he didn’t, make Cas got resurrected by Jack, then why the hell wasn’t he on the final episode? He was a pivotal character for the series, I mean, the proof is in the ratings: Season 7, when he was killed off to apparently never return, the ratings were at their lowest. The show may have started as just Dean and Sam, but over the years it became much bigger than them, and it is so disappointing that the show runners failed to acknowledge it. But I’ll get back to this point later.

Okay, I need to talk about Dean’s death, the only part of the episode that made me cry, because my poor baby had to suffer so much! Like, when he started saying that Sam never put up with John’s crap (which reinforces my headcanon that John was abusive towards the boys) and how much he admired him for it, my heart just shattered. I just love Dean Winchester so freaking much, and they did him so dirty... Don’t get me wrong, Jensen and Jared’s acting was 10/10, like, I thought I had a grip of myself and then Sam started crying and tears came back to my eyes. Nonetheless, I felt that the scene was so freaking long! I mean, Dean was dying, and he had time to make a 10 minutes-long speech! C’mon! Also, I get that Sam and Dean’s relationship is quite deep and strong and whatever, but I felt a bit unconformable watching it: it didn’t feel like a brotherly goodbye, more like a lover’s one. They were too touchy and intimate, and, overall, their relationship from this point on was coded as a romantic one, in my opinion. And Chuck, did I hate it! I have an older brother and I know what it is like to be close to your sibling and to love him more than anything else in the world, but the way they portrayed their relationship on this last episode felt incest-y, which makes me believe that this scene was originally written with another character in mind (cough CAS cough) or the writers don’t know the difference between romantic and brotherly love. To finish off, the way they killed off Dean??? I mean, I did expect Dean to die, but this was such a horrible and ridiculous way to go... I would have accepted it if he died actually fighting, but impaled??? After all he’s been through, after fighting so many demons, angels and deities, that’s how he dies??? That just felt cheap and rushed. Dean did not deserve that ending and I refuse to accept it. In fact, I refuse to acknowledge the existence of this whole fucking mess of an episode. Also, I just can’t believe that no one showed up to Dean’s funeral. I just can’t. I get that maybe it was difficult to bring in a lot of actors due to the pandemic, but they could have added them on post-production...

Next, we have Sam’s ending. He quits hunting and finally obtains his white-picket fence life. I did like the fact that he honored all of his friends and family that he lost along the way, especially Dean. Like, yes, if my brother died, I would like to keep a token (don’t know if that’s the actual word for it, my first language is not English), to have something with me that reminded me of him and to have him with me wherever I go. And I did like that he named his son Dean, in honor of his brother. However, we don’t know how he met his wife, we don’t even know who she is. They set up Sameileen for what?? Like, Sam and Eileen deserved better, tbh. And, again, even with Covid restrictions they could have done something to signal that Sam got married to Eileen, you don’t need the actor there. In fact, we never actually found out what happened to her, and just like I can’t believe that Dean didn’t even try to save Cas from the Empty, I can’t believe that Sam didn’t reach out to Eileen. Furthermore, the montage with his son felt cheap and a way to try to appeal to the audience’s emotions... (Btw, as a side note, the grey wig and the glasses, my god, they did Jared dirty 😂😂). But it wasn’t doing it for me, I didn’t care much for the kid, and while I do believe that was always going to be Sam’s ending, I didn’t like how it was executed.

And the worst part of it all: that suuuuuper long scene with Dean driving in Heaven, waiting for Sam. They could have used that time to show something more meaningful, even to develop a bit more Sam’s new life, how he adjusted to domesticity and fatherhood and all that crap. Or, I don’t know, A TEAM FREE WILL 2.0 REUNION??? And I guess this is my biggest issue with the whole episode. I get it, Sam and Dean are the central characters, the ones that started it all, but family don’t end with blood, and they were not the only ones who deserved a goodbye. They had formed so many bonds and friendships over the years, and to not have them address them on the final episode just feels infuriating. Especially Cas. His arc was not finished, he deserved to be on the finale. We never got Dean’s reaction to his confession, we don’t know how he felt about him, nor did Cas get to say goodbye to any other character. How did he get out of the Empty? What is he doing now? Is he still an angel? Also, he gave his life to save Dean, only for Dean to be killed not long after. My headcanon that is helping me cope with Dean’s death is thinking that he was so quick to accept his death because he was hoping to reunite in Heaven with Castiel. A girl can dream, ok??? But also, what about Jack? He is the new God, but I highly doubt it that he won’t drop by the Bunker from time to time, after all, Sam and Dean (AND CAS, ESPECIALLY CAS) raised him. And Charlie? Did she get back with Stevie? Did she and the boys go for drinks from time to time? And Jody? Donna? Claire? Sorry to be so repetitive, but I just can’t understand why the writers thought that these characters weren’t important enough to deserve a spot on the finale, and not just an off-hand mention (and not even all of them got that). Of course, the brothers are the main characters and their goodbye must be the longest and the most emotional of them all, but like I said before, the show stopped being just about the Winchesters on season 3, when Bobby was first introduced, maybe even 4, with Cas.

Overall, the finale left a lot of questions unanswered, most of them regarding secondary characters (but not less important for that!), completely destroyed Sam and Dean’s character development (Dean never got to be free, like he had been fighting for all season, probably all his life; Sam’s development is non-existing, as he ended up as he would’ve if he never had gotten on that hunting trip with Dean 15 years ago), and completely disregarded all the themes they had been setting up this season, probably on previous ones as well. It is sad knowing that the writers, either don’t know the show good enough to give it a proper goodbye, or they just didn’t care to do so. I don’t know who’s to blame here (definitely not the actors, though, probably someone higher up the chain), but I just know that I am so fucking disappointed. I expected more from the last episode of a 15-season TV show, one that has been part of my life for 7 years. I guess, that despite all of it, I can’t hate Supernatural. Maybe I was not a hardcore fan like some people on this site, but I did care for the characters and what happened to them. This is the show that introduced me to the world of shipping (Destiel will always hold a special place in my heart, it doesn’t matter how badly their relationship was treated, as well as the characters) and I got to discover one of my favorite characters, Dean Winchester. He is just such so complex, one that I relate to on so many levels, and his relationship with Cas has been the source of many short stories that I’ve never posted anywhere, but that have made me take up writing again. That’s the reason why I love the show so much, it has helped me tap into my creativeness and go back to writing, a passion of mine that I seem to have forgotten over the years. Anyways, maybe one day I’ll publish some of those stories, and maybe even write my own fix-it fanfic, but right now, I can’t deal with anything that has to do with the show, I am too hurt. Maybe once the five stages of grief are over, I might give it a try and read all of the amazing codas and fanfics that I’m sure will be posted here or on AO3. But for now, Supernatural is dead and gone, and I don’t want to talk nor think about it anymore. I’m done wasting my time here, because I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing this past 7 years after watching this crap of a finale.

To finish this long rant off, I just want to say thank you to some meta-writers, the true heroes of the fandom. Thanks to them, I carried on watching the show, because they made me have hope that things will get better. They are the ones that have made this experience worth something, and even though I’ve never spoken to any of them, I see you and I love you. Thanks for everything ❤. 

@tinkdw @charlie-minion @dotthings @heliodean @verobatto-angelxhunter @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover

[politalysis]

# What has happened to JK Rowling?

Growing up in the early 2000s immediately made Harry Potter a huge part of your childhood. Even if you never read the books or watched the films, you can probably name the three main characters. Even if you weren’t interested in Harry Potter in the slightest, you probably know your Hogwarts house. It’s incredible what Harry Potter did for our generation all over the world. Children would stay up on their eleventh birthdays anxiously awaiting a Hogwarts acceptance letter, knowing full well that owl was never going to come. Our imagination kept the dream of going to Hogwarts and learning magic alive anyway. Even now at the age of 23, I can for the most part keep a conversation flowing with anyone who has read the books or even just watched the films. You could even go as far as to say it was our generation’s Lord of the Rings.

JK Rowling came from very humble beginnings. She suffered with depression in her childhood and early teens, and lost her mother to multiple sclerosis in 1990. These struggles inspired her a lot when writing Harry Potter. She channeled her grief and pain into her writing. In 1992, she married a man she had met whilst living in Portugal, but Rowling suffered domestic abuse at his hands and the couple separated a year later. She lost her job and moved to Edinburgh in Scotland, where she had to sign up for welfare benefits, which left her a poor and depressed single mother spending her time writing in coffee shops. When she finished writing Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, twelve publishers rejected the opportunity to publish the book. Once someone finally agreed to publish the book, it became the best selling children’s book of the year.

We all know how the story goes from there. Rowling wrote six more Harry Potter books, eight films were made, and Rowling went from a poor vulnerable single mother to a multi millionaire in the space of a few short years. Harry Potter is now a global brand estimated to be worth about $15 billion. The last four books have each consecutively set the record for the fastest selling book in history. Rowling is now the richest author in the world, with a net worth of $92 million. But as well as money, JK Rowling has over 14 million followers on Twitter. This gives her massive influence as well as money. Rowling seemed to initially use this influence for good, spreading mental health awareness, LGBT inclusivity, interacting with fans and creating a website for all us Harry Potter fans to determine our houses and let our wands choose us.

I remember being 8 years old when Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was released, and I was attending a religious school where some parents complained and called to ban Harry Potter over the controversial decision JK Rowling made regarding Dumbledore’s sexuality. Rowling had made the claim that Dumbledore was gay. Looking back, the controversy was ridiculous and I can only imagine how embarrassed some of those parents must be. I also remember as I got older, re-reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows I noticed more that the emotion behind Dumbledore’s relationship with Grindelwald was one he held with a romantic love. So years later, when several members of the LGBT community attacked Rowling for only deciding Dumbledore’s sexuality after the books were written, I publicly defended her with my knowledge that that simply wasn’t true. I had this image of Rowling in my mind, that she had always been on the right side of this debate. She had always been inclusive and supportive of LGBT people as far as I could see, and I just didn’t understand the issue. Rowling had always expressed a centre-left political perspective, and although I didn’t agree with all her views, they seemed relatively uncontroversial.

When Harry Potter and the Cursed Child was released, I hated it. It was a literary disaster, completely disrespectful of the original book series, the characters were a shell of the characters we had grown up with, the plot was almost deliberately ridiculous and overly elaborate and I immediately dismissed it as not canon. I have never forgiven JK Rowling for publicly stating the book was canon. She almost destroyed a whole two decades of her own hard work and the franchise that she’d built that had been like a home for a whole generation. All because she wanted to grab a few extra quid for a terrible book she didn’t even write. To this day I can’t help but wonder if she has even read the book. If I had written the masterpiece that is Harry Potter, I would view the Cursed Child as an insult. Perhaps I’ll even write a review one day, just for fun. Rowling also annoyed me by going back on her story, regretting pairing Ron and Hermione together and not pairing Hermione with Harry. Ron and Hermione are my favourite couple from the story, and their relationship had so much meaning. I couldn’t believe that the author who wrote such a clever and consistent relationship between two beloved characters could ever regret it. At this point in my life, I was beginning to wonder if perhaps Rowling was losing her mind. It was almost like she was trying to destroy her legacy.

As more years passed, the Fantastic Beasts films were released. The first film looked promising, but the second film was yet another disaster. Again, it was inconsistent with the franchise as we knew it, for some reason Hogwarts was full of people wearing 3 piece suits instead of the robes they wore in the Harry Potter series and Minerva McGonigall appeared as a teacher despite the fact that canonically there is no way she could have been old enough. The film was a disaster with both fans and critics hating it. Amongst this mess came controversy in December 2019. Rowling lost all respect she had once held amongst the transgender community when she made a public statement supporting Maya Forstater, a British woman who lost her employment tribunal case against her employer who fired her over transphobic comments. Six months later on June 6 2020, Rowling criticised the term “people who menstruate” and stated: "If sex isn’t real, the lived reality of women globally is erased. I know and love trans people, but erasing the concept of sex removes the ability of many to meaningfully discuss their lives." Rowling’s views on these issues were heavily criticised by GLAAD and even by the actors from the Harry Potter movies including lead actors Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson.

Rowling published a 3,600 word essay in response to the mass criticism of her views four days later. The essay did her no favours, as she wrote: “When you throw open the doors of bathrooms and changing rooms to any man who believes or feels he’s a woman then you open the door to any and all men who wish to come inside.” She seemed to be suggesting that trans women are often just men disguised as women in order to trick or even harm other women. This obviously angered the transgender community even more, and women’s refuge shelters that allow trans women were reporting no rise in violence as a result, children’s charities that support gender non conforming children were criticising Rowling, she was being made to give back awards and ultimately Rowling was labelled a Trans exclusionary radical feminist, a term often abbreviated to TERF.

JK Rowling is the perfect example of how money and influence can make someone forget their roots so easily. For someone who survived poverty, domestic abuse and sexual assault, she is so lacking in self awareness and how the things she has said and done can be harmful to transgender people. It is widely reported that transgender women are at more risk of harm in female restrooms than cisgender women. With acceptance becoming the norm, transgender people are feeling more safe to come out now than ever before, and so the rise in numbers of the community is huge, especially amongst our generation who grew up with Harry Potter. For a young transgender teenager to grow up wondering how Hogwarts would accommodate them, only to hear the author who gave us Hogwarts in the first place disapprove of equal rights for transgender people, must be very disheartening. However, JK Rowling has proven that she has no idea how powerful the legacy her books created really is. She was tasked with following up the Harry Potter series, and what she gave us was inconsistent and very poorly written screenplays. I have read better sequels on tumblr. Lots of them. Hogwarts doesn’t belong to JK Rowling, it belongs to the fandom. And I’ll be willing to bet my last penny that if Professor McGonigall witnessed any bullying of transgender students in her classroom (or indeed the girls bathroom!) she’d absolutely defend the victim without a moment’s hesitation. Hermione would decorate the Gryffindor common room with little blue, pink and white flags in support of a transgender first year who’d just been sorted into Gryffindor. Luna Lovegood would sit and befriend any trans student who looked lonely, and Ginny would dish out a bat bogey hex to anyone who dared pick on them. No matter what JK Rowling thinks, Hogwarts is not hers to ruin. It is ours. Regardless of what makes us different, Hogwarts is our home.

[fireflyinsummer]

Gymnopédie | myg

> pairing: min yoongi x reader

> genre: mostly angst, but a lil’ bit of fluff, too

> words: 8.3k

> warnings: blood, mentions of sex, car crash, violence, kidnapping, swearing

> summary: you had two options. number one: trust your desires and risk losing yourself. or number two: be rational about it and come to terms with the fact that, even though you’ve been dating for quite a while, he never uttered those three words, the ones you craved the most. and that’s not all he’s been keeping from you.  

a/n: well, that’s a shitty summary. it’d be cool if you gave this a chance, though. i really enjoyed myself while writing it, especially towards the end. feedback is always welcome, it means a lot <3 anyways, thank you! hope you like it.

  [11:32 PM]

  You let the robe slip through your skin and immediately shivered. The bathroom was cold, and you were alone. Again. As your body sank in the hot, comforting water, you felt your muscles relaxing. It was like a hug, really. And you needed one. With a sigh, you went through the night in your head again. Every kiss, every touch. Sometimes it felt so meaningful, so real. So why didn’t he say it back? Why does he never say it back? You were exhausted from having to deal with those questions all the time. It was always at the back of your mind when you were with him, haunting, lurking. You never had the guts to be vocal about them, though. Wouldn’t be able to bear if you got the wrong answer, so it was best to give him time. How much more does he need, though?  Maybe he just didn’t. That thought made you shiver again, but not from the cold this time.

  “Angel”. Lost inside your own head, you didn’t notice when he entered the bathroom. He was so beautiful. Even when he didn’t mean to be – he hardly ever did, he was just so… himself. There was really no better way to put it. His dark hair was beautifully disheveled, covering his entire forehead. He wore grey sweatpants that hugged his hips perfectly. That sight alone made you want him again. “You’ve been there for a while now. Aren’t you coming to bed?”. It was so easy to pretend when he talked to you like this. To forget he never actually said he loved you, even though you’ve lost count on how many times that sentence had slipped through your lips. He’d always kiss you sweetly after that, but never uttered a word. For a while, you just thought he was having trouble expressing himself. He was never really comfortable when it came to opening up, letting his feelings on display. But as time passed by, you couldn’t find any more excuses. Deep down, you knew. You knew he couldn’t say it simply because he couldn’t lie. It has been that way for two years now.

  And, as much as it hurt in the beginning, nothing could compare to the pang you felt in your chest now. Because you just couldn’t picture your life without him anymore. You loved him too much, you could never recover from that, you were sure of it. He could destroy you completely if he said the right things. Or if he didn’t. So, every time your whispered confessions were met with a morbid silence and a few pecks on the mouth, your stomach churned. Suddenly it was cold poison in your veins, not warm blood. But he never seemed to notice. He hadn’t noticed much lately, always busy with work, always too tired to even give you a chance to say it out loud. Angel, I don’t think I’ll be able to come to dinner tonight, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you. He never did. He never tried. It was odd to have him home this time at night, really. For the past few months, you’ve hardly ever had time for each other.

“Yes. Yes, I’ll be there in a minute”, you tried your best to put out a convincing smile. He nodded and closed the door again. “God…”, you muttered under your breath. That night, when you finally escaped your prison of a mind, you found him already asleep. Except he wasn’t. He hadn’t been able to sleep much lately.

  [7:13 AM]

  The next morning, you woke up to an empty bed. His scent was still lingering, and it made you miss him even more. He used to wake you up with lazy kisses all over your face so you could have breakfast together – that often lead to the best morning sex, too.

   But dreamland must be put on hold now, you were late for work. Realizing that, you kicked the sheets off your body and rushed towards the bathroom for a quick shower. There was an important meeting that day and you definitely could not be late.

  You worked for a big publishing company as a personal assistant. Your boss, Michael Stewart, was a living breathing nightmare of and editor. And a jerk, but you were getting used to it by now. He liked his coffee black, no sugar. Suits him. His wife was the picture of perfection, but that never stopped him from crossing boundaries with some of his coworkers. Word on the street was that he was using his desk for shady purposes when a rather noisy Mrs. Daisy from the copy machine went to see him.

  “Y/N? Wait!”, a breathless Brianna called out, causing you to stop on your tracks.

  “Morning, B. What’s up?”, you offered her a heartfelt smile when she caught up to you.

  “I’m good, I’m good”, she smiled mischievously. “So, how’s mister sunshine today? I bet the prospect of this meeting is eating the man alive. I feel terrible for you.”

  “No, you don’t”

  “I don’t. But only because I love seeing him nervous. Seems like he’ll suddenly combust any moment now”, she whispered while the two of you entered the conference room, earning a little giggle from you.

  “Oh, the fine line between love and hate. I see right through you, miss B.”, you tried to taunt her.

  “Y/N, I swear to God…”, she seemed truly revolted by your words, but quickly recovered. “Well, it’s not my ass he eats with his eyes every now and then”, she teased. It made you want to regurgitate breakfast, but you let it go as soon as you saw him at the end of the table, looking quite pale and skittish.

  “Good morning, Mr. Stewart.”, you greeted him and placed his coffee on the wooden surface. He tried to give you his usual flirty grin, but failed. Instead, it came out as an awkward grimace. It was fun seeing him nervous.

   [10:47 PM]

  It had been a long day. Michael had put you through hell because, apparently, it was your fault that he had forgotten to bring the signed papers to the meeting. He was stubborn and could never bring himself to plead guilty for something he’d done, so you were always to blame when things went south. You hated that. Specially ‘cause you knew you could do his job better than he did. But patience is a virtue, so you just called your business partners and rescheduled. Which was a shame, you were really hoping to see how’d that particular book deal go.

  You entered the apartment with a deep sigh, dropping your keys on the balcony and getting out of your murderous shoes. Everything was dark, so you figured he wasn’t home. “Surprising”, you murmured to no one in particular.

  “What is?”, the unexpected answer made you jump on your feet.

  “Fuck”, you gasped, fear making it’s way to your voice and giving it a pitched quality. “Yoongi? Why are you in complete darkness? You scared the shit out of me”. You turned on the lights and finally situated yourself. He was sitting on his black armchair, eyes fixed on a glass of what you just assumed to be whiskey. Neat. Just how he liked it.

  “Sorry, angel. Didn’t mean to frighten you”, he said as he got up, walking towards you slowly, elegantly, awfully like a feline predator. Maybe a black panther. He cupped your face with his unoccupied hand and you immediately felt little shock waves spread through your body. His touch was warm and inviting, leading you to let out a shaky breath. You hated how a simple gesture of his had such an impact on you. You hated it. “Have you eaten?”

  “Um… No, not really. It was a busy day at the office. Have you?”

  “I haven’t. Thought we could order something”, he mumbled as he went to fix himself another drink. Don’t go. Touch me. I miss you. Instead, you said something like “It’s a little late, let me see if there’s something edible in the freezer”. It was so out of character for him to be home before midnight these days. He looked tired, dark circles under his eyes. His white dress shirt was wrinkled, his hair was pushed back and you could just tell that he’d been running his fingers through it multiple times. He looked stressed.

  “Did something… happen?”, you caught his attention while heating something up for the both of you. “I mean, you seem so tired, that’s all. I’m worried about you, baby”. Your last sentence was nothing but a whisper. He looked at you with a characteristic blank expression and opened his mouth a few times before finally speaking.

  “I’m okay. Don’t worry”. It hurt a little, how dismissive he was. And you didn’t foresee the anger that sparkled within you after hearing his words. You were tired, so fucking tired.

  “Bullshit”. The moment you said it, he snapped his head in your direction, surprised. Good. At least that kind of emotion he’s able to show. But before you could blink, he recovered his previous façade, and that made you angrier. Why the hell couldn’t he just open up to you? “Shit, Yoongi, it’s crystal fucking clear that you’re not telling me everything. In fact, you tell me absolutely nothing. What’s wrong? Don’t you trust me?”. You sounded defeated by the end of your little speech, and you could tell it got to him, but you didn’t stop. You couldn’t stop, not now, not with all the pent-up hurt, anger and fear. Fear of the truth you’ve been trying to look past, but couldn’t. “Do you not want this anymore, is that it? Do you even care at all??”, you were purposely avoiding the four letter word because it hurt just thinking about it. You were not ready to hear the answer.

  “Is that what you think?”, he was annoyed. “You think I don’t fucking care about this?”, a bitter laugh escaped him before he cupped your face with both hands and plunged his next words directly to your heart. “If I didn’t want you anymore, angel, it would be easier. Believe me, we wouldn’t be together a second longer”

   That stung. His last words cut deep, making it impossible for your built-up tears not to fall. That’s when he knew he had made a mistake. He could see the hurt in your eyes and he couldn’t bear it. So when you rushed upstairs without sparing him a second look, he felt something inside him churn. He fucked up, he always did. He wouldn’t even dare try to comfort you in that moment because he knew you needed space from him. He was absolutely sure that he was only going to make things worse if he went after you like he wanted to. He wondered how much of his shit you would take before you packed up and left. You wouldn’t be the first to abandon him, hell, his own mother did; so he’d like to pretend he was prepared. With that in mind, he grabbed his jacket and his car keys. He was definitely getting wasted that night and would probably end up sleeping at one of his friend’s. Maybe Jimin’s. He didn’t care.

      You couldn’t sleep. Not with the bitter taste on your tongue and the burning flame within your chest. You felt like falling apart. Hot, heavy tears tumbling down your puffy cheeks. It was tiring how you couldn’t stop your restless body from shaking, even though you craved some sleep, just so you could take your mind off it. Those exact words were thoroughly printed inside your mind.

  If I didn’t want you, it would be easier.

 Believe me, we wouldn’t be together a second longer.

  You did believe him. Shit, you probably knew that way before he said it, but you still didn’t know why. Why was he still with you? Gathering from what he said, your relationship was a burden.  

  At some point, you were no longer crying, you were laughing. Hard. Maybe you were going insane, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. Thinking about tomorrow morning, you went downstairs to pop some pills, just so you could get some sleep. Your steps were careful, quiet. But, as soon as you got to the living room, you realized there was no use to being silent. He wasn’t there.

  [12:42 PM]

  It was lunch time when it happened. You usually ordered something with your coworkers, but you decided to grab some sushi at that restaurant you loved. Mr. Stewart was being a pain in the ass all day, but he did give you some extra time off because he had an appointment that afternoon, he wouldn’t need you for a while. You had asked Brianna to come along, but she had to catch up with some papers. At the end of the day, you were glad she couldn’t make it. No one to witness what seemed to be your whole world tumbling down, every plan you had made with him slipping through your fingers in the blink of an eye. In the touch of a hand.

  There he was. Through the glass wall, you could see he was tense, as if he was afraid of something or didn’t want to be there. You almost went over his table to check on him, willing to forget last night’s argument for a moment, to call for a truce, because you cared about him still. But then you noticed something important. He wasn’t alone. The woman in front of him was beautiful. Dark hair, olive skin, the prettiest red dress. She had her hand on top of his. That’s when you finally realized what was happening. In that moment, everything clicked. Why he had been so distant, why he would never confess. Why it was hard for him to stay.

For how long?

  Suddenly, you felt the urge to throw up. The whole situation was making you nauseous. You had to get out of there, but your feet wouldn’t move. You stood still for god knows how long, trying to digest what you were seeing. You hadn’t even noticed the tears, couldn’t feel them. You couldn’t feel much, it was all just a haze, like you’d dissociated. You didn’t hear him at first, acknowledging his presence only when he touched your shoulder.

  “Y/N?”, he said, confusion and concern lacing his tone.

  “J-Jungkook”, you stuttered. “Kookie! What are you doing here?”. When you realized who it was in front of you, you immediately threw yourself at his chest and hugged him tight, hiding your face in the crook of his neck.

 “What happened? Why are you crying?”, he couldn’t help the questions flying out his mouth. He hadn’t seen you in so long. He missed you. “Y/N, please… Talk to me. Are you hurt?”. The affection so raw in his voice, you couldn’t help but cry harder. You missed him, too. He pushed you slightly away so he could take another look at your face.

  “Oh, god… Oh my god, Kook, this is so fucked up. I’m so fucked up”

  “What are you talking about?”, his voice was soft, you could tell he was trying his hardest to soothe you.

  “I-I need to get out of here. Can you take me somewhere else?”

  “Yeah… Yeah, of course I can. Do you wanna go to my place so we can talk?”, you didn’t trust your voice, so you just nodded. “S’okay, noona. Look at me”, he cupped your face and brushed your remaining tears away. “It’s gonna be alright, I promise. I’m here for you, I’ll always be here for you”. It was reassuring, mostly because you knew it was true. He was safe. He felt like home.

  [1:53 PM]

  “He was… cheating on you? Y/N, you know I hate the guy, but that doesn’t sound like him at all. Are you sure?”

  “Pretty much”. It was hard to tell him. You felt like an idiot for trusting Yoongi for years, for loving him even when he didn’t love you back. It was hard to come to terms with that, let alone tell Jungkook. But you thought you would die if you didn’t talk to someone about this. And he was still your best friend, right? “I’m so stupid, Kook”, you let out a humorless laughter. “I wanted us to work out so bad that I didn’t even see it coming. But it was staring right at my face, really. God, I just can’t believe this”, your voice wavered.

  “No, don’t say that. Y/N, he’s a jerk. He’s the one who should be feeling stupid, not you. I knew I was right to hate him, I just knew it”, he seemed truly upset at this point.

  You took a minute to contemplate his apartment. While your house with Yoongi was neat and clean, Jungkook’s home had so much personality that you would think about him immediately even if you didn’t know who it belonged to. He hadn’t changed much since six months ago. He was still the same caring, funny, protective friend he’d always been. Even smelled the same. You felt bad for the distance that grew between the two of you. It was just that you were both so busy with work and stuff, it felt only natural. You’d never admit to anyone, not even yourself, that it also had to do with the fact that he and Yoongi didn’t get along. It was like Sophie’s choice, and maybe you had made the wrong one.

  “Kook, I missed you. I’m sorry for not trying harder to keep in touch”, you said before you lost the courage to do so. He seemed taken aback by your bluntness, like there was some secret agreement that neither of you would bring it up.

  “I missed you, too, noona. A lot. We should’ve both tried harder”

  “Yeah. It was stupid”

  There was a moment of silence. You were sitting at one end of the couch, while he was at the other. He wanted to give you space, always so considerate. But you needed your friend, so you threw caution out the window and crawled closer to him, clinging to his black shirt. He let you ball up against his chest and held you close.

  “Let’s watch a movie, shall we? And then I’ll take you home if you want to. If not, you’re welcome to stay for as long as you need. You know I’d love to have you”

  “Thanks for offering, but I’ve got to fix this. I need to confront him”, your heart was beating painfully faster just thinking about it. “I’ll take you up on that movie, though. Pleasure first, duty later, isn’t that what you taught me?”

  “You’re older. If anything, you’re the bad influence here”

  “I am three months older than you, Jungkook. I don’t even think it’s okay for you to call me noona”

  “Yeah, right. Whatever. Okay, so what do you want to watch?”

  “F-“

  “And don’t say Friends. I forbid you”

  You pouted. “But you know it’s my comfort show, Kookie”, you figured he’d give in if you whined a little, but the boy seemed resolute.

  “Yah, Y/N, how many times have you watched that?”. It was rhetorical. You didn’t even know and he was aware of it. “Have you seen Phantom Thread?”

  “I have not. And I don’t wanna watch your movies, they’re boring”

  “I resent you for that, by the way”, he scowled. “But you’ll like this one, I promise. I thought about you all the time while watching, it’s definitely one of yours”. You were touched that he thought about you in the past few months. If he could read your mind, he’d burst into laughter. Because you were always in the back of his mind, like a little ghost that kept him company even though he chose to ignore it.

  “Okay, I’ll pretend to trust you this time. But if I don’t like it we’re watching Friends until I leave, no bathroom breaks”

  “Sur-“

  “AND-”

  “Here we go”

  “You’ll have to admit that Chandler is indeed the funniest”

  “Hey, you know damn well that Joey is the funny one!”, he took his arguments very seriously.

  “Don’t get on my nerves, Jeon. Put your excuse of an entertainment on so I can tell you how bad it is and we can watch my show, hm?”

  “We’ll see about that”, he smirked mischievously.

  You spent the entire afternoon curled up on Jungkook’s couch watching his goddamn cult movie. He was right, you loved it. Although you couldn’t completely forget what was going on and how you ended up in that situation, you were somehow calmer. The worst part about taking big, important steps was deciding what to do and how to do it. At some point, it was eating you alive. You had to make a decision, an important one, but you were completely torn. Because the thing is, you loved Yoongi so fucking much. You sincerely could not envision how life would be like without him. But when you realized that even saying his name out loud tore your heart apart, you knew that he had made that decision for you; things would never go back to the way they were. It was over. That thought hit you so hard that you had to excuse yourself to the bathroom, so Jungkook wouldn’t see how exasperated you were. It was like a hole had been carved in your chest, one that would never completely heal. So you twisted your shirt with both hands in the spot where your heart was supposed to be; you had to keep it together. You had to survive this, even if you weren’t exactly sure how to do it yet.

  Thinking about it now, a couple of hours later, you felt relief. The hole was still there. The emptiness, the anguish, the excruciating pain, it was all there. The only difference was that you had already made peace with your fate. Not seeing him anymore was easier than being constantly reminded that you probably didn’t mean shit to him. That even if you did, it was not enough, it would never be enough for him to love you. You didn’t wanna fight it anymore because it was agonizingly painful and bitter. Maybe this is for the best. So when you left Jungkook’s apartment, it was with a placid sense of duty.

  [1:09 AM]

  When you arrived at home, you didn’t have the guts to turn on the lights. You calmly took your jacket and your shoes off, heading for the kitchen to get a glass of water; your throat was painfully dry. You leaned on the counter for a couple of minutes, heart rate through the roof, thinking that maybe he wasn’t even there. Either way, there was no point in stalling, you had to do it now. So you leisurely carried yourself to the bedroom, opening the door carefully. If he was asleep, you wouldn’t want to wake him up. If he was asleep, this… thing you were about to do would be considerably easier. Of course, luck was never your forte.

  “Your phone is off”. He was sitting in the armchair, a drink in his had and a bottle of whiskey on the desk. His black dress shirt was wrinkled and he seemed worried.

  “Yeah. It is”

  “Look, angel-“, he was getting up when you cut him off.

  “Don’t call me that”

  He seemed confused, and you could see a hint of hurt in his black orbs. “I know we’re not in the best place right now, and I wanted to apologize. I didn’t mean to hurt you the other night, and I know I did. I’m sorry”, he blurted out. He looked too sincere, and that caused your heart to constrict. Because you knew there was no way in hell he was being honest right now.

  “Let’s cut this short, okay?”, you said sternly. Suddenly you couldn’t stand the sight of him anymore. Your words must have surprised him, because he was looking at you with wide eyes, something just indecipherable about them. “I saw you today. I know what you did – or what you’ve been doing, I really don’t give a fuck about how long you’ve been at it. I saw you with her”. As soon as you uttered your last words, you recognized what was it in his eyes. Fear. He was afraid.

  “No, it’s not what you’re-“

  “Shut up. Just do us both a favor and shut the fuck up, Yoongi”, you whispered tiredly.  He could see it in your eyes that you had given up on him, that you didn’t even intend to fight him anymore. That caused a chill to run down his spine.

  “Please, just listen to me. I wasn’t cheating on you, I-“

  “Have you fucked her?”

  “W-what? No! Y/N, stop saying shit like that. I’ll explain whatever you need me to, but don’t jump into conclusions before I do so. I didn’t do it, I’d never do it”. He was closer now. You could smell the alcohol mixed with his scent, you could see how deep the dark circles under his eyes were. You could see honesty slipping through every word. Surprisingly, it didn’t change much. You wanted more. You wanted him, all of him. So in the last attempt to save your sanity (or ruin it entirely), you decided you had to ask. You just had to.

  “Do you love me?”. He froze, hands in the air trying to reach you. You had never confronted him about this and he didn’t see it coming. His hands fell to his side, closed fists. His eyes were bulged, breathing was erratic. It was all the answer you needed. You immediately felt the hole again, and you didn’t even realize when your hands made their way to your chest, just like it happened in Jungkook’s bathroom. A sob escaped your parted lips; you couldn’t be strong anymore. Through your blurry vision, you didn’t notice the panicked, pained expression he was wearing. You couldn’t know about the pang in his heart, or how hopelessly desperate he felt at that moment. It said it all, but you just couldn’t know.

  “I-I’m fucked, okay?”, he stuttered. “I’m fucked in the head, angel, it’s not about you”. You couldn’t process his words, didn’t want to. As you slid to the floor with a whimper, he grew desperate. “Please, you have to believe me. I’m begging you to understand, please, please…”. He wasn’t able to control himself and let out some tears of his own. Deep down, he knew why he couldn’t say it. It was not because it wasn’t true – he knew it was. Fuck, he was petrified. It’s for your own good, for your own good, I can’t do it to you, too. He didn’t know what to say anymore, so he just held onto you for dear life, hoping you’d give him a chance to redeem himself for all the shit he put you through. You just had to stay. You had to, he wouldn’t even dare to think otherwise.  You didn’t know how long you stood in that position, scared to move a finger, but you knew what you had to do. So you got up. It pained you to look at his face and see how truly devastated he was, but you were too far gone.

  “I don’t think we can get through this. I don’t know if we should”

  “Don’t say it. No”

  “I’m going to stay with Jungkook for a while. I ran into him today and he helped me a lot when I thought you were… you know”. Your voice was devoid of any emotion at this point. Too scared of being engulfed by the hole if you let yourself feel.

  “What? No! You know I don’t trust him, right?”. He was standing in front of you now, voice pitched and tear tracks staining his cheeks. “Don’t do this, Y/N, I can’t… I can’t even… No.”, he shook his head a couple of times.

  “It’s not up to you! Just looking at you is a constant reminder that you don’t feel the same as I do and I just can’t, I can’t do this anymore. Because, shit, I do, I love you so much, it’s killing me”

  “That is not true. I never said I didn’t love you, don’t put words in my mouth”, he was very serious now. But it didn’t matter.

  “You didn’t say you do, either. If you can’t even look me in the eyes after almost three years and say that you love me, I don’t think we can salvage this. So I’ll just take the hint before I get my ass kicked”

  “How can you even say that? I don’t want to break up. You don’t understand, but please, trust me. Just trust me”

  “You’re right, I don’t understand. But I can’t wait around until you figure it out”. You grabbed the bag that was on top of the wardrobe and opened the zipper.

  “For fuck’s sake, just stay home! It’s almost two in the morning, we can talk about this tomorrow, please”, he tried to persuade you, but you didn’t listen. You picked out a few clothes and your toothbrush, closing the bag when you were done. “Y/N…”, he followed you to the door. It was obvious that he was crying, and even though it broke you to leave him like this, you felt like you would lose your mind if you stayed. So you just climbed down the stairs, bag on one hand and keys on the other. You tried to open the front door, but he stopped you.

  He was a mess. Bloodshot eyes, trembling hands. So unlike him that you were a little taken aback by the sight. But you were sure you looked a lot worse, though. “Don’t leave me”. His voice was small. He seemed a bit smaller, too; like a child, scared of some imaginary monster. But he wasn’t a kid anymore, and the monster was real. Too real. “Angel, how am I supposed to live without you?”

  “You’ll do just fine”, you said in a husky voice. You didn’t want to wait for a response, so you just closed the door in his face and ran to your car.  

  Already halfway to Jungkook’s house, you decided to just ignore your shaky hands and faltering voice and dialed his number, but your call went straight to voicemail. Which was strange, because he knew you were coming over. “Hey, Kook. I’m sorry if I took longer than expected, I hope I’m not waking you up or something. I’m on my way. And… Thank you so letting me stay a couple of days, really, it means a l-“, you couldn’t finish. It all happened so quicky, your mind wasn’t fast enough to keep up. A pickup truck had deliberately hit the back of your car, as if trying to get you off the road. You lost control for a second, the vehicle doing little zigzags, but soon regained it.

  “WHAT THE FUCK?!”. Your heart was pounding, almost hurting your ribcage. At first, you thought it had been an honest mistake, but that idea escaped your mind soon enough. Something was seriously wrong, and you didn’t want to find out why you were being targeted. The truck was still on your tail, so you didn’t have much time to think. You sped up, in order to put some distance between you and the stranger on the wheel, but they picked up the pace as well. “Shit, shit, shit”. The adrenaline was rushing through your veins like a drug, and you couldn’t keep your hands steady. You had dropped your phone when you startled, so you fumbled through the car floor trying to find it. That’s when they hit you again, this time a lot more brutally. You whimpered, trying to maintain control of the car even though you were scared to death. What the hell is going on?!

  As you stepped harder on the throttle, you decided you had to contact somebody, anybody, a terrible feeling creeping up your spine. You fumbled again, only this time you were able to grasp your phone. The call had been cut off, so you searched for his contact. You needed him, no matter what happened earlier, you needed him. And you knew he would come. Your whole body was trembling and the truck was getting dangerously close again, you had to be fast. You held the phone to your ear with shaky hands. He answered almost immediately.

  “Y/N?”, his voice was rough.

  “Yoongi!”, yours was desperate. “Yoongi, something’s going on…”, in that moment, the truck hit the rear of your car again and you screamed. He sobered up instantly.

  “What?! What’s happening, where are you?!”, he sounded hectic.

  “I’m on the Fourth, someone’s after me. L-Like, a truck! A truck hit my c-car, I-“, you tried to make sense through heavy breathing.

  “Fuck”, you heard him tripping through the bedroom, trying to put some clothes on. “Angel, listen carefully. Do you remember when we got lost near Target’s? We ended up in a wasteland, remember?”

  “Y-Yes!”

  “Good. I need you to go there, okay? I’m coming for you, baby. Okay? I won’t let anything happen, I promise”, you could already hear the engine starting and that soothed you a tiny bit. You trusted him with your life. It would be okay, he was coming.

  “Y-Yeah, okay”, you couldn’t stop the tears. “Yoongi, what’s going on?”, the words left your mouth almost like a whimper.

  “I’m sorry, love. I’ll get you out of th-“

  But you weren’t listening anymore. This time, when they hit the rear again, you lost control. The car spun like crazy and you could hear Yoongi yelling something through your screams. You tried your hardest to get on track again, but couldn’t. All you could think about was how wrong this all was. You wished you had stayed home like he asked. Before you could have a reasonable train of thought, you hit something. Your head jerked towards the steering wheel and it all went dark.

  [2:17 AM]

  He was going crazy. He was absolutely losing his mind.

  “FUCKING HELL!”, he hit the steering wheel an abnormal amount of times while making almost a hundred miles per hour. He had to keep his mind clear and sharp, he couldn’t let his emotions cloud his judgement, not with your life on the line. Still, all he could think about was how scared you sounded, how raw your screams were. How he stopped breathing right away when he heard the loud crash, how he shouted your name a million times asking what happened. He was sure he would go insane when you didn’t answer. You had to be okay, anything other than that was not an option. He wouldn’t let his mind go there, now was not the time to lose control. Yet.  

  He knew who it was inside that truck. It had to be her or someone doing her dirty work. If anything happened to you, he would kill them. He would kill all of them, and then he would kill her. He would take his time with it, too. You had never seen him this angry, he always kept himself together when he was with you. But now he was furious. He felt like he could burst in rage anytime now.

  “Shit, fuck, fuck”, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut because it was all too silent. He lost connection with you after a few minutes and he just felt sick to his stomach. Lost in thoughts and trying to focus on the road, he startled when his phone rang. He hesitated for a moment before picking it up, the number was unknown. “Yes?”

  “Honey, I already miss you”. He felt his blood boiling to the sound of her voice.

  “Where is she?”, he roared.

  “Don’t you miss me?”, she whined. It was disgusting.

  “Mura, I am being very patient, but don’t mess with me. I swear to God, if you hurt her…”, the threat was evident in his tone, and anyone but her would be shitting themselves. But she loved him too much to care. He wouldn’t really hurt her, right? They were meant for each other.

  “She’s here, darling. And she’s so annoying, too. Had to shut her up a couple of times”. He growled, knuckles white as he pressed the wheel tighter.

  “Tell me where you are”

  “Are you coming to see me?!”, she seemed thrilled as she clapped her hands and made happy noises. “I’m at the warehouse, honey. Where else would I be?”

  “Don’t move. And Mura…”

  “What is it, honey?”

  “Don’t think I won’t kill you, yeah? I’m warning you, if she has as much as a scratch, you’re dead. I won’t think twice, you hear me?”, his voice was dark. There was no doubt he meant it.

  “Oppa, you can’t talk to me like that! But I forgive you… I know she must have something against you, you couldn’t possibly love her. You already love me, darlin-“

  “Shut the fuck up. I’m almost there”

  He felt like he could finally breathe now. You were alive.

  [2:27 AM]

  Your entire body hurt. There was something hindering your vision, and when you realized what it was, your stomach churned. Blood. There was a deep cut near your hairline from when you hit your head. You were tied to a chair, the ropes too tight on your wrists and ankles. When you looked around with the eye that wasn’t completely covered in blood, your stomach sank. It was dark and humid, the cold punishing your sensitive skin. You were scared. Where was Yoongi? What happened and where the hell were you?

  “Hi, there!”, a high pitched voice startled you. It was a woman, beautiful dark hair, olive skin… Wait, what?

  “Wh-“, you tried to talk, but your voice was raspy and rugged. “Who are you?”, you tried again, barely succeeding.

  “I’m Yoongi’s girlfriend. Who are you?”

  “You’re w-what?”

  “His girlfriend, darling”, she laughed melodiously. “My name is Mura, what’s yours?”

  Your brain was operating a hundred miles an hour. What the fuck was going on? Had he lied? Had he been lying to you this whole time? It was too much, too overwhelming. You just wanted to lay on your bed and sleep forever. Every single part of your body was sore and cold, your head was killing you and you were emotionally exhausted.

  “What am I doing here? Where are we?”

  “Honey, you have so many questions. I intend to answer every single one them as long as you answer mine, okay?”. You hated her already. And not just out of jealously, but because she was so irritating, too. You wanted to shut her up with your fists, but you were in no position right now. Instead, you just nodded. “Alright. Now tell me, when did you and Yoongi meet?”

  “Three years ago. A friend introduced us”

  “I see. So you two are together now? You’re dating, is that it?”

  Your answer hurt, you felt a pang in your chest. “No, we broke up”. She was silent for a moment, as if processing your words. And then she laughed.

  “Is that so, darling? You shouldn’t lie to me. I’m trying to be good, but I don’t think I can hold back for much longer”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”. Just as you finished speaking, she made a move with her hands. Suddenly you notice a gigantic man guarding what you suppose to be the entrance. And he was walking towards you.

  “Hirashi, the girl lied to me. Can you believe that?”

  “That’s not good, ma’am”, his voice was deep, scary. Every cell of your body was telling you to run as fast as you could. But you were stuck. “Do I have your permission, ma’am?”

  Permission for what?

  “Yes”. You didn’t even have time to react before his fist stroke your face. You couldn’t breathe, all the air escaping your lungs as you lose your balance and hit the malodorous floor. You gasped, your head spinning and your jaw burning from the impact.

  “Are you ready to tell me the truth now? Because I’m pretty sure he didn’t mention you two breaking up”

  You tried to form a coherent sentence and couldn’t do much. You were in too much pain, your jaw was on fire. “W-we d-did”. At your words, she sighed.

  “Fine. If that’s how you want it, that’s how it’ll be. Either way, it doesn’t matter anymore. I was never gonna let you out of here alive anyways”, her words petrified you. You knew she meant them. “I’m sure Yoongi won’t mind. He doesn’t love you, after all”

  He doesn’t love you

  He doesn’t love you

  He doesn’t love you

  It hurt more than it was supposed to, because you already knew that. No, he didn’t love you. But he cared for your life, right? The thought made you laugh. If he cared for your life, he would be here. If he cared for your life, he wouldn’t let his… girlfriend kidnap you and have her way with you. If he loved you, he would’ve said so. So yeah, maybe he wouldn’t mind at all. Tears stung your eyes and you barely saw when Mura signaled to Hirashi again.

  “Finish it. I want to go home and cuddle with my man”

  Oddly, you weren’t scared. Hell, after all you’ve been through tonight, maybe death wouldn’t be so bad. But then he kicked you the first time. You let out a painful yelp, sure he had broken a few ribs. And then came the second. The third. You couldn’t take it, it was agonizing.

  “P-Please, just… j-just kill me already”, you blurted out, praying for his mercy. Just do it. Do it quickly, please, just do it.

  [2:35 AM]

 As soon as he saw the abandoned warehouse Mura used for her… activities, he peeled out, leaving long tire marks on the road. He rushed out of the car, not caring enough to close the door. That’s when he heard the first scream. His heart was pounding in his chest, heart constricted and throat dry. He ran inside, not wanting to waste any more time.

  “P-Please, just… j-just kill me already”. First, he heard your pleading. His blood was already boiling, fists closed tight, anger slowly taking over him. But nothing could prepare him for the moment he saw you all curled up on the floor, shirt ripped and bloody, your beautiful face starting to swell, a purple eye. He went livid and stopped on his tracks. That day, a part of him died. It was like someone had ripped his heart and stomped on it over and over again. His immediate reaction was to go for the son of a bitch who was doing that to you. He knew his name. Hirashi. A dead man walking. When his fist first collided with Hirashi’s face, he fell to the floor. In the back of his mind, he registered Mura’s gasp. He was a mad man now, growling and punching the other ruthlessly. There was blood everywhere, and this time they were not yours.

  “Yoongi, you’re gonna kill him!”, Mura yelled.

  “Yes”, another punch. “I am”, he was strangling him now. He was blind by rage, every ounce of his body seeking revenge.

  “Y-Yoong-gi”. The angel said and he froze, loosening his hold on the other’s throat, making him gasp as he searched for air. He looked at you and the anger was overpowered by a lot of feelings. Guilt, sadness, fondness. Love. It should be him in that state, not you. Never you.

  “I’m sorry”. He crawled towards you, splashes of blood all over his face and his shirt. You looked… broken. It devastated him. After untying you carefully, he held your upper body on his lap and removed a few hair strands of hair from your face. “I’m so, so sorry, angel. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, he chanted. “I love you so much”, his voice broke. “I really, really do”

  “H-Home”, you whispered.  

  “Yes, love. Let’s go home, I’ll take you home, okay? I’ll take care you”, he promised. He took you in his arms and you whimpered. It all hurt so much. You don’t think you’ve ever been in so much pain before. He scowled, guilt plastered on his pretty face. “Sorry”. He had a lot to be sorry for, didn’t think this lifetime would suffice if he wanted to redeem himself. But he would find a way.

  “Yoongi, where are you going?!”

  “Mura… remember what I told you. I’ll come for you soon. Let Hirashi know that I’m not done with him either, will ya?”. She didn’t reason. Perhaps too scared, now that she saw that he wasn’t joking. He would come for her. And she had to make some arrangements to vanish for a while. Until his rage subsides and he can love her again, that is. In her mind, she knew he would. He just needed some time, and she had plenty.

  After the both of you left, she made a call. It went straight to voicemail. Stupid boy, didn’t he know how to make business? Phones on at all times. She hated leaving messages.

  “It didn’t work, J. They left”

  [7:39 AM]

  Your entire body hurt like hell, that was the first thing you noticed. The second was a warm hand intertwined with yours and a soothing breathing hitting your shoulder now and then. You opened your eyes cautiously, afraid of something you couldn’t quite pinpoint. He was sitting in a chair beside you, head resting near the crook of your neck, hands in yours. He was asleep, but as soon as you moved a little, his eyes shot open. He startled, correcting his posture immediately, and then he scowled. The position he had slept in wasn’t the most comfortable. He looked at you like you were his whole world, and you wonder how you never noticed it before. His feelings were crystal clear.

  “How… How are you feeling? The doctor came by earlier when we got home. You were passed out, though. He said that you had a few broken ribs and a twisted ankle, but these were the most serious injuries. I mean, you’ve got a purple eye, too, and your jaw is a little swollen, but-“

  “Yoongi”, you cut his blabbering off. You predicted the diagnosis, but it was still good to know. For a moment there, you really thought you would die. It was good to know you didn’t.

  “Yes, my angel?”, his voice was soft, feelings pouring through them.

  “Did you mean it?”

  He didn’t have to ask what you meant, he already knew. “Every single word. I love you, Y/N. I have loved you since the beginning, I just… couldn’t say it”. Your heart skipped a beat at his words. You didn’t think he would ever know how much of a hold he had on you.

  “Why couldn’t you say it?”

  “Because… Because everyone I love leaves eventually, one way or another. I couldn’t lose you, too. And yet, I almost did”, his voice faltered near the end. He was being so raw, so honest. You could see in his eyes that he was telling the truth. He really was. But his words hurt you a little, too. You knew he was talking about his family. Yoongi rarely talks about them, but you know enough.

  “I’m sorry, baby”

  “No, don’t say that. It’s me who has to apologize. I shouldn’t have let you leave when I knew she had found out about us. I promised I’d keep you safe, but I couldn’t”. Suddenly, you remembered. Mura.

  “Was she really your…?”

  “No. Mura and I never had anything. We met six years ago on a business trip, but I didn’t… I never slept with her. When I rejected her, she became obsessed. She followed me around for a couple of years, but she had already left me alone when I met you. She came back… when she learned that I was with someone else. Her father is a very powerful man, and she is clearly spoiled, so I didn’t want to make things worse. I didn’t want to confront her because I was afraid of what she might do to you. Look how that turned out”, he laughed bitterly.

  “Don’t blame yourself. Please”

  “How could I not? You’re hurt because of me”, his face was twisted in an anguished grimace. You couldn’t stand it. Yes, he had hurt you. But what happened last night with Mura was totally different. You held his face with both hands and pressed your lips gently against his. He groaned. “I don’t deserve you”, he said, lips still lingering in yours.

  “But you got me”. He smiled big, the prettiest gummy smile you had ever seen. God, you adored him. It was easier to understand him now that you knew his reasons. You couldn’t not forgive him. He was your whole heart.

  “I forgive you, but you can’t keep secrets from me anymore. Okay?”

  “Yes, ma’am. I wouldn’t dare”, then he pecked your lips sweetly.

  “And you gotta tell me you love me every day now. You owe me. For all the time I lost”. Sadness crossed his features, but he let it go soon enough.

  “I love you, my angel”, he pecked your nose. “I love you”, your cheek. “I love you”, your forehead. “IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou”, finally, your lips. You giggled.

  “Thank you”

  “You’re welcome, miss”, he said as he got up. “Would you like me to prepare you a bath?”

  “Extra bubbly, mister”. He smiled and entered the bathroom.

  After a few moments, he came back wearing a mixed expression.

  “Y/N, I was thinking… How did Mura know where to find you? She wasn’t anywhere near the house when you left, I am sure of it”

  “Uh… I don’t know”, you were confused. His question made sense, no one else knew where you were going, except for J-

  His eyes bulged, so did yours. You could tell he had come to the same conclusion as you.

  “Fuck”, you both said at the same time.