#Anyway I'm dizzy and tired
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#Update even though no one cares#The bleeding stopped#I managed to improvise on wound strips to close the cut and bandage it more#tomorrow and on Wednesday i have a gym so I'm kinda worried but it's ok#Anyway I'm dizzy and tired#This whole thing was new#But again I'm not scared#I probably could've done more damage if not certain things#self harm#personal
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Does anyone here draw in both desktop & mobile? I'm planning to get a galaxy tab at some point and since I don't really have any experience drawing on a (mobile) tablet, I'm curious abt how it feels to draw on one vs. drawing on pc w/ a graphic tablet 🤔
#once I have all my commission slots filled up that's when i'll buy one#i've been hesitating bc i'm not used to spending a big amt for something but honestly it's more of an investment than a simple want#my poor 10 year old laptop + monitor + keyboard setup is the 'pc' im currently using#both the laptop screen & keyboard isn't working properly anymore so i have a separate monitor + keyboard for it#it's pretty laggy most of the time#not sure how it's still holding up#ngl sometimes i'm worried it'll just give up on me & break at any moment#so I kinda wanna have a backup device#anyways! I get easily tired drawing on pc for some reason#I think it's bc i unconsciously tense my neck? whenever i stare at the monitor for too long#also my eyes hurt + the extreme hot weather lately is making me dizzy so i can't work for long periods of time 😔#I see a lot of artists use ipad so i'm guessing drawing on a tab would also feel nice???#also would that get you in the mood to draw more bc you can bring it w/ u anywhere?#i'm hoping to be able to draw more honestly.....#also the timelapse!! csp wont let me record timelapse on my current pc and idk why that is#might be bc im still on win 7#HOPING i could post timelapse vids when i finally have a tab#tbh i want to get one asap (like as in rn) but I want to make sure I have enough budget first so im waiting for my comm slots to be full#bam blabs
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ok. no i get it. ok
#if you're gonna hurt can you. hurt please#it's been all day with this shit#it's barely something but it's on the precipice of being worse.#stop fucking around and be worse already what the fuck is going on#this is about. gestures at our body. that thing. and its arms and its legs and#the pain was just barely there but there enough to be Noticable. like are you going to hurt or are you going to Stop.#make up your mind.#this is hell btw.#i feel the beginnings of the sparking in our wires in our arms and legs and lower back and#today we were dizzy a concerning amount for the first time in a while.#like we're on the precipice of it being a problem. actually do something or stop what the fuck is this#pk;m curly🩹#we're getting back to the point where when we stand our heartrate shoots up and the. The Pulsating.#and the pulsating causes the dizziness and 2uen we're dizzy we scratch at our face and it's allr eally fast#and unnoticeable to us but very noticable to mom#and i just. okay I'll get out slippers from outside. the shoe inserts in em help some with... whatever that is.#but ultimately I'm like. tired. what the fuck is this. I'm waiting for it to get worse and i dont know if it will or#something something imposter syndrome or some shit btw like are we disabled or not what the fuck is going on here#i would like answers. anyway#sits here. waits for a flareup that might not even happen.#did we tell y'all mom was very negative about the idea of us using a cane the day after the birthday party?#so getting that cane that's LITERALLY BEHIND THE CHAIR WE SIT IN and using it for balance purposes is out the window.#i hate it here all these little things add up and they're slowly making me want to kill myself#BuT WE PERSIST! WE HAVE NO CHOICE! FUCK!
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literally evil for my sacred texts professor to assign a two hour movie. i would not sit down to watch a two hour movie for pleasure much less for class
#AND fifty pages of reading. does she hate me or something#hate her and her stupid discussion posts that are only open for two days before they're due#who does that. who posts the homework as a discussion title (read so and so chapter)#and then doesn't open that discussion so that you can see the actual prompts until monday.#and then that discussion post (actually a small paper) is due TUESDAY NIGHT???#what if i didn't want to write a paper on monday fucking night salah. what would i do then.#anyway curses and curses and curses#i'll watch it on two times speed but i have so much other shit to do and i'm so tired...#still sick btw and severely dehydrated i've felt lightheaded and dizzy every time i've stood up today :(#valentine notes
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#i didn't fully realise exactly how physically and mentally draining my job is until i spent some time in a different work place#cos like...i love my job so much but it's exhausting and i knew that but i didn't realise the extent of it until i started doing full time-#--placement in a hospital a few weeks ago#cos i'm still tired when i get home from a shift there and all#but it's more like...normal tiredness. not ''i'm dizzy and seeing double and i'm nauseous''-tiredness#and it's kind of an unwelcome realisation cos like i said i love my job. so being forced to accept that doing it isn't sustainable in--#--the long run (at least not full time) is all sorts of uncool#but i'm suddenly existing in this reality where i get home in the afternoon and i still have leftover energy to do things#like housework and cooking and playing games and watching movies and working out and socialising and whatnot#and i sleep so much better at night too. i can't remember the last time i consistently got 5+ hours of sleep every night for a longer--#--period of time. i genuinely think it was in my early teens? so like 16-17 years ago? jesus christ#and of course all of that also leads to my blood sugar being much more stable and easier to control as well#AND i don't feel like i'm constantly on the verge of getting some sort of respiratory infection#which sounds weird but for context i've been damn near chronically affected by some sort of cold for my entire adult life#ask anyone who talks to me on a regular or semi-regular basis. i'm ALWAYS sick. it's ridiculous#anyway. so i'm slowly but surely coming to terms with the fact that i probably won't be working in my current workplace when i'm--#--done getting my degree. not cos i don't want to but because i've now gotten a taste of what it feels like to work a job that doesn't--#--eat up every single ounce of energy i have and leave me with nothing for my personal life. and it's kinda amazing
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I am literally SO HAPPY this game was so GOOODDD it's making meNHB JSKDBHFBHF
#💥.txt#HAHAHAHBSHBF EEHEHEE HII hi!!!// anyways!!!#YAYYY <3 :DDD#GOODNIGHT I'M GOING TO PASS OUT NOW I AM DIZZY AND TIRED AND MIKEKO'S FED. BACKFLIPS INTO BED#goddddd tired#love having my sideblog where I quietly rb 12 highlight gifsets in succession after each game and then immediately go to bed to die happy#peace on earth
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If anyone relates to this even just a little bit, then I'm so sorry.
#• luna lavinchi speaking •#living with cptsd#cptsd vent#complex ptsd#diet culture trauma#monsters inside me#toxic health culture#ex vegitarian/vegan#emotional flashbacks#health documentaries#dark side of veganism#i should have never been forced to watch these as a child..my mind wasn't ready to understand the information nor tell what was real or not#-i cant try sushi or even think about fish without feeling physically sick and dizzy. i haven't had McDonald's since i was like 6ish years-#-old..i never wanted to share this information but i need to vent. I feel embarrassed and rude for not liking a food chain that most of the#-population does. Smelling or seeing McDonald's makes me wanna puke so bad because of everything those documentaries would say.#I will never be able to eat McDonald's in my life because of how sick and terrified i feel when thinking about the food even the drinks-#-scare the shit out of me. I'm so pissed that I'm triggered. All of the sudden i smell something in the house that smells like McDonald's-#-then the memories come flooding back and i feel like puking so back so i cant even eat dinner. i know this may seem stupid but i am-#-genuinly scared. Im tired of this shit and tired of feeling alone in this.#(anyway sorry. if you read my vent then i appreciate you)#tw food talk#tw diet culture#tw vent in tags#(dont even get me started on parasites cause thats a whole fucking trauma itself. damn it i hate it all. i hate it so much)#(also note: my therapist made me feel so validated weeks ago when i told her during my session that i was traumatized by monsters inside me-#-she literally knew the name of the show before i could even say its name. and she said she also cant watch it and that she saw it as an-#-adult who doesn't have ocd. so she told me she can't even imagine how terrified i was to watch it as a child who was developing ocd.-#-therapist W)
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Hey all, just wanted to apologize for the lack of new posts since returning. I've had some pretty serious burnout lately due to health issues leaving me pretty exhausted, physically and mentally. It's taken a bit of a toll on my creative output as I've been struggling to find inspiration and energy to do much of anything.
I'm still trying to work on getting at least something here and there that I can post, but it'll probably be pretty limited for a while until we figure out what's going on. And admittedly most of the time I have spent drawing lately has been of OCs, and I don't generally post OC art. <<;
Anyways, just wanted to explain that I haven't fallen off the planet or anything yet, just having a bit of a hard time right now. Sorry for the lack of content!
#I've been wanting to draw more AU stuff and I had a whole idea for a Halloween thing with Infidget but I was just so tired#even OC art wise I haven't been doing much either maybe a sketch once in a blue moon#I thought about maybe trying to write some things out to maybe draw at a later date? but I'm honestly a terrible writer#I need to try queuing up more reblogs too but I'm just so tired that it's easier scrolling through Bluesky or Twitter#I don't gotta worry about tagging or anything over there lol#this exhaustion is also why I took so long to finish game related stuff.. just didn't feel up to playing games#that and one of my more obnoxious symptoms is extreme dizziness and motion sickness#and Sonic games are reaaalllyy good at making those symptoms worse xD#anyways hopefully I'll have some answers within the next few months and can work on fixing it#I reaaaallyy wanna work on some of the comic ideas I had#at least two were based off some AUs and one was a kind of introductory/prologue and I wanna try making it so bad#I'm bad at long form comics but I wanted to tryyyy
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doing the thing that is hard but makes me feel better (showering)
#genuinely i fucking hate how hard showering is with my disabilities#like oh yeah this thing that is fundamentally required for existing around other humans?#yeah that thing makes me extremely dizzy tired nauseated#i have to lay down for at least an hour afterwards#super cool gd :)#ok perhaps that's not fair#but still i'm so tired of it#jay warbles#anyways if i'm sitll blogging in ten minutes i ask that you yell at me please
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last night several times before and up to 3am my car found it's voice and was yelling CAR ALARM CAR ALARM CAR ALARM CAR ALARM CAR ALARM before stopping for a bit and we can only assume it was saying 'bugs in here!!! D:' because there was nothing happening externally. sometimes a car is a type of animal
#i'm tired as hell today like even more than usual because although it spontaneously stopped several times after a few i did have to#drag myself upright nauseous and dizzy from a rude awakening and first establish that it was my car yelling and then see if i could.#do anything about it. in the end i unlocked it and left it that way and that seemed to solve the problem and it was locked in the morning#my dad hoovered the whole interior for me today (thank u dad <3) and found NOTHING which is as expected. perhaps it was bug ghosts.#oh yeah anyway i couldn't get back to sleep for so long after getting up in the middle of the night was the point :P TIRED!#sorry all my neighbours hopefully this will not happen again we have changed some settings
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the thing (well, one thing anyway) about chronic pain is how you'll have a day or half a day or even just a few hours that'll get you so close to just fucking wanting to end it all right then and there because you're just so tired of being in pain and it feeling like it'll never end and never get better, and your brain feels like it's on fire and you can't remember the last time you felt even just okay, much less fine or good.
and logically you know it'll probably be alright again in time, but the effort it takes to just make it through that moment is so exhausting that it just leaves you drained.
and it's not like you want to die, you just want the pain and misery to stop, and sometimes it feels like it never will. like you're just stuck on that endlessly-looping train track through hell with no stops to get off, and nothing will help you feel even minutely better at all.
#anyway. it's been a day so far and I have not been coping well today#just more migraine madness with a mean dizziness kick to it as has happened more and more often lately#and I didn't know if I'd be able to keep my pain meds down or if I would even be able to make it to lying down in time#nor how long I could lie down for before my neck would make it all worse again#I'm better now obviously but it was touch and go and it's not been the first time I've pondered if it's at all worth it#the taking meds every day to make sure I don't end up spiralling out of control from some mood episode#the taking more meds to try and keep my migraine in check when it seems as though it's just been getting worse#and like the meds are less and less effective (when I know I have zero alternatives bc of the meds I'm already on)#and I just get so tired. and fed up with it all. and I want to be hopeful and optimistic#but what am I doing it all for you know? is all this agony worth the few good days and moments#and logically I know the answer is yes. there is a lot more good in all those days than I can recall right now#but it's so hard to remember when I can barely open my eyes. barely get up. barely walk without being in pain#so I guess I just needed to get that out. no need to worry I'm not stupid and I'm far too stubborn to give up#I just wish the world would stop and quiet down for a bit so I could have a break. an actual one for once#a day in the life of..#about this gal
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the dracfield stake thing won't leave my mind, and I keep spinning a little setup and backstory for it in my brain and now I want a fic aughh
#(biting pillow in frustration) I'm not a good writer so my attempt at it would be not up to my reading standards augh!!!#but THE THOUGHTS and MENTAL IMAGES are so good please believe me#also wouldn't it be hilarious if the stake thing happened because of a roleplay session gone wrong lmao#i can totally picture drac looking at renfield like 'you better make good use of this fuck up' lol#anyway too tired to draw anything and not skilled enough to write so#guess i'll just think about it really hard and try to fall asleep asap#i don't feel so good physically actually#headache dizziness and nausea still going strong
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woukd like to file a formal complaint for getting sick right now. I am in the midst of finals week. my project is due on Friday and I need to work on it. could i not have waited a few days. im drinking all the fluids and resting why is my body still unhappy. im doing all the things. please let me recover so I don't fail my fucking class <3
#been feeling vaguely shitty and nauseous all night#I've gotten 8 hours of sleep in 4 hour chunks bc I randomly woke up at 2am to feel bad and couldn't sleep until like 5#woke up about an hour ago and had to speed to the bathroom#collapsed to the floor and started fucking dry heaving! yayayyayayasysyysysysyys#first vomiting of 2023 what a prize#shoutout to the accessibility railing bar because I wouldn't have been able to get off the floor without it#my body is still tired n achey from being out all day yesterday which did not help at all#but yeah still feeling a little dizzy and faint but less nausea now#had some ginger ale and saltines cause this happens a little too often#now I'm lying in bed and I'm too tired to work on homework or just do anything really but also brain is too awake for sleep#Couldn't this have fucking happened like. next week when I don't have finals#anyways. not having a good time#probably gonna put an all nighter Tonight to make up for it because I'm so behind dear god <333#i love suffering#lilac post
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hm. am I feeling like shit because that's pretty much normal at this point, or could it be because I had like one third of a meal today, nearly 12 hours ago? 🤔 no its probably just because I'm an idiot
#yeah yeah I need to go eat or whatever but I've just not been hungry lately?#maybe it's because I stopped taking one of the meds I was on. it was one of the ones that made me be hungry constantly#now I just don't notice it until I hear my stomach rumbling and then it's like wait. food exists#also it's just *great* because I get super lightheaded and dizzy when I don't eat... soo I'm very dizzy by the time I realise I haven't#eaten in ages#and that makes it harder to go and find something to eat#also food feels. really bleh#just. I don't care. we had potatoes for dinner yesterday and I barely ate any. I fucking LOVE potatoes#anyway now I'm tired and hungry and dizzy and I've been painting all night and it's not going great and I'm so frustrated that I just want#to go into the woods and scream#personal
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i should've been someone's childhood teddy bear tbh. remade until i'm more parts changed than original. being prevented from falling apart further. kept and held dear for years. never being considered something to be thrown away, even when you're not who you were before, even when you don't look the same anymore.. to be loved so much that it unravels you.....
#you know what i mean........#if u get it you get it if you don't u don't i guess. as is the case with most things.#<- guy who's watched riverdale kinda statement.if u get riverdale u get riverdale if u don't get riverdale u don't get riverdale. simple👍#well anyway. you get me 👊#hai everybody i'm verrryyyy tired btw. but what else is new 💪 i've got permanent residence in the city of sleepy & tired at this point.#zonk city in just a little while though 👆 peace n love and love n peace 🙏#r.txt#sorry this doesn't make any sense.....u know what i mean though!#what is it abt october and feeling this dogged and dizzying kind of desire to be wanted...sick and twisted if u ask me..SICK and TWISTED....
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something i think abt a lot is how nothing is objectively transgressive.
#anyway. thinking abt this bcos i'm wearing a cute sundress & objectively it's perfectly normal and no one would give me a second glance#about it. BUT . i used 2 nevrr wear anything like this bcos it's strappy n low cut in the back n I'm not wearing a bra (raised conservative#catholic) & so *I* am so excited and giddy and feeling daring and transgressive like fucking anne of green gables or something & yet no one#knows!!! it feels like they should!! i know i'm the guy who evades gendering like a greased pig but ohhh there is something#about the aspects of femininity i've always been denied that fills me with a dizzy glee.... me handshake transfems over. lots of stuff tbh.#ok ok long tired sitting in the backseat of the truck tag rant over. lov u.#txt
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