#Anxiety thoughts. But I didn't really have my intrusive thoughts and I think it's a big part of my anxiety so I wanted to portray that.

[lixies-favorite-cookie]

𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫・h.j

—for months you have dealt with constant intrusive thoughts, wondering what life was like before your head was swarmed with anxiety—until one day, you wake up and it isn't your OCD that you remember—it's hyunjin. alternatively: you find hyunjin baking your favorite sweet treat and you fall even deeper in love with him.

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠・hyunjin x gn!reader // 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐬・hurt and comfort, established relationships, one sided angst, me trauma dumping, tooth-rotting fluff // 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬・1.4k // 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬・reader with OCD, could be read as any sort of obsessions + compulsions but focuses on the obsession of time and the thought that this state of mind will never change, one curse word, kisses, so so many kisses, kisses that end in food fights, food being made that ends in kisses, was the food ever actually made? the world may never know. // 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐥𝐢����𝐭・je te laisserai des mots by Patrick Watson

𝐚/𝐧・this kind of really sucks, but i decided to throw away my perfectionism for a little bit and just pour my soul out instead. I've recently been dealing with some serious OCD symptoms and I am trying to get a phycologist to help me navigate these symptoms and get diagnosed, but I thought of this today what it would be like to not wake up and immediately remember my anxiety and my obsessions...then started sobbing :D then hopped on my computer and wrote through the tears haha. edit cookie: I wrote this in early December hated it decided to post it anyways in the small happenstance that somebody might relate to it, I hope that somebody out there feels even the smallest comfort from it :)

You wanted to run away—to take Hyunjin by the hands and disappear into the forest brush; to press your palms into the earth until it felt as though your fingers had become roots, twisting and tangling, becoming one with the trees. You longed to rest beneath the grass, to watch as the stars sang like fairies, strung in sweet, serene stillness. You wanted to trace constellations on his skin, set fireflies alight in his eyes, to kiss him until you were sick of it—until your lips could bear no more.

You wanted to run away and never look back, but 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 always had a way of looking back at you. One day, you awoke, and all the stars had fizzled out—ripped from the sky like a fallen angel's wings. Your world had been dipped in ink, a single drop that spread underneath your eyelids as though you had never woken at all. It consumed you, a once-magical world stolen in a single moment, leaving you completely and utterly under their control.

The trees had grown thick with leaves, their vines crawling up your spine; creeping across your legs, your feet, your teeth. Go away, you wanted to scream. Go away, go away, go away! But the more you squirmed, the deeper they sank their thorns in. There was no escaping; you had become one with the fear, one with the shadows. The sense of what had been faded out, swallowed by the crippling uncertainty of who you were 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 the darkness returned.

Months later, that feeling still hadn't left, and it terrified you to imagine it never would.

In the small stretch of time, floating on the edge of an in-between, is where you felt most at peace. Only a heartbeat short of two seconds, where sleep was nothing but an echo, yet the world had not quite begun to spin again. And for a breath, as you stretch your palm across the silky sheets, still warm from the imprint of Hyunjin's body, you didn't think about 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞; you didn't think about anything but him.

You stay here long after the world began to spin again—waiting, wondering, sinking deeper into the thought of him: the fallen star nuzzled just beneath his eyelid, the feel of his fingers, soft and saccharine, brushing over your knuckles; the way his lips taste like oranges and his skin smells like fresh rain. You study every moment as though they were going to fade away—fluttering from your palms like ashed scrolls.

Then suddenly, it hits you. There were no intrusive thoughts, no anxieties—nothing but the ache where Hyunjin should have been; an ache that consumed you so greatly that you didn't have enough time to worry about 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞. The realization sinks deep into your bones, pulsing in tandem with your trembling heart—everything felt so overwhelming in that bed, 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 flooding back in. Though this time, 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 tasted bittersweet—a distant, muted sour, a small break from the usual loud, potent flavor it tended be.

Something about the thought made your chest feel heavy, your head feel loud. You wanted to ask yourself so many questions, so many things you didn't have the answer to, but instead, you decide to search for Hyunjin, rising to your feet.

The faint scent of bananas and honey wafts through the crack in the door, slightly ajar from where he had left minutes before. You follow the scent down the hall, willing your trembling legs to hold you steady, though the sight that awaits you makes you weak in the knees for an entirely different reason.

Hyunjin's standing above the stove, still disheveled in his pajamas, swiftly whisking a bowl of batter. Beside him lays a cutting board with sliced bananas and a bread pan, the inside sticky with butter. And when he tilts his head to check the stove's timer, you notice the streak of flour smeared on his cheekbone, and for whatever reason, that detail absolutely destroys you.

Dewy-eyed and weak, you shuffle towards him, wrapping your fingers around his wrist to shake the whisk from his hand. Hyunjin jumps, startled by the sudden touch, before he blanches, watching a single tear fall from your lash line.

The bowl drops onto the stovetop with a soft thud.

One second, you are feeling his heartbeat flutter underneath your palm, and the next, it is pressed against your cheek, the tip of your nose nuzzled into his throat. You breathe him in, filling your lungs up until it feels as though your chest has blossomed with the subtle scent. Hyunjin smelled like the forest's first breath—a faint, delicate petrichor that clung to his skin, as if he was the creator. A smell that brought you right back home.

"My love, what's wrong?" His voice hums against your cheek, trembling with a worry you were so reluctant to cause. It takes you centuries to speak, brushing through the vines creeping up your throat.

"I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was you," you whisper.

Hyunjin stills underneath your palms, his breath catching like weeds in his throat. It killed him to see you this way, utterly terrified by the very person he was so overwhelmingly besotted with. For months, he guided you through it, every restless night, every bad day, murmuring into your hair—when there's darkness look for the stars—with his hand held tight, you would argue "but there are no stars."

So Hyunjin created some. Every night before bed, he would coat your thoughts in honey, so with every kiss you would be reminded of him, and not them. It almost brought him to his knees, knowing all his hard work paid off.

He was over the moon, grateful tears collecting on his lash line. It takes him three shuddering breaths to push the words off his tongue—falling into your ears like sweet nectar.

"Oh, baby," he chokes, capturing your cheeks between trembling palms, still mindful of his sticky fingers. "I'm so glad, baby, I'm so fucking glad." Hyunjin can't hold himself back as he leans his forehead against your own, pressing his lips to yours.

He tastes like oranges and joy, so, so much joy it's dizzying. You seek out his elbows, then his shoulders, then his chest. He pulls you closer, so impossibly close, it feels as though your heartbeats have taken root within each other, a love sprouting through a single passionate kiss.

When there is darkness look for the stars—it was a quiet night four months ago when you first heard those words, nestled under the nighttime sky; his cheeks freckled with moon dust.

You could still feel it, the way your heart overturned as you shoved the words out of your mouth. It was embarrassing to talk about—how could you explain something you didn't understand? How could somebody sympathize with something that was so crazy?

Hyunjin didn’t say anything for a while after that, bestowing your words with all the deference you deserved. It felt as though you had died a million times before he finally decided to speak.

"When there is darkness, look for the stars." At first, you stammered, both confused and slightly offended—that was, until he hooked his finger under your chin and kissed constellations onto your skin, spreading the galaxy inside your eyes until that was all you could see, all you could think.

It was that night where it all began.

It takes one clumsy kiss for him to accidentally smear a fat strip of batter across your cheek, breaking your makeout with a startled gasp. He goes wide-eyed, only slightly apologetic as he breaks out into a smile, seeing how adorable you looked—lips swollen and red, banana and flour smudged on your face.

"Baby—" Hyunjin doesn't get to finish his sentence, not before a slice of banana is catapulted onto his forehead, sticking with an audible thwap. He yelps, utterly gobsmacked, his jaw dropping in disbelief.

You begin to laugh, a rib-splitting, belly-gripping guffaw that resounds throughout the entire kitchen. With a playful scoff, Hyunjin grabs a handful of bananas, flicking them at you like bullets. You don't stop throwing food at each other until your stomachs burn with laughter and the floor is coated with enough ingredients to make banana bread itself. Hyunjin pulls you in, lips dusted with flour and giggles. He presses his smile against your own.

You realize then, blossoming with adoror, you had been so focused on what it was like 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 that you never stopped to think about how 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 didn't include Hyunjin.

Maybe, just maybe, you could get used to 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫.

cookie owns this. thank you.

[raqi-marr]

HDG How-To: Class-E xenodrugs in real life

A while ago, I wrote one of my first posts on this blog about the experience of trying to recreate class-H's in real life by doing LSD. This was generally very successful, and having done it several more times since then, I can confidently say that if you want to feel like you are getting the floret brainwashing experience, LSD is a very good drug to do it with.

However, I recently had an unexpected and unplanned-for experience which has given me quite a lot of insight into what being on class-E's would probably be like in real life. My first exposure to anything that could be described as similar was when I started duloxetine (an anti-anxiety SNRI medication) last year. I can't actually remember super well what life was like before that any more, but my recollection is that after going on it, I noticed myself having substantially less intrusive thoughts/being less inclined to doom spiral about stuff any time I was unoccupied for more than 10 seconds. The entire experience was more complicated than that and deserves its own post some time, but it is also kind of boring and not all that class-E pilled so let me get to the good shit now

Yesterday, I was privileged enough to get to actually try cuddling another human being for the first time in my life (I say privileged because lord knows how many of us long distance relationship mfs go years without physical touch.) As it turns out, this shit makes SNRIs look like fucking sugar pills in comparison, because by the everbloom I have never been so fucking chilled out in my life as after an hour of getting held and squeezed by my partner

I have a bunch of anxiety conditions and am generally known by all my friends as That One Bitch With No Chill, so you can imagine my shock when, in the aftermath of this, I sat down at my chair and prepared to start worrying about how many jobs I have that I need to go and finish and how I probably did a shit job cuddling with my partner, and found that my brain just didn't feel inclined to do any of that stuff at all. Not just 'uninclined', but straight up refused to do it after repeated prompting from a very confused me

The best way I could sum up the experience was like someone had reached into Raqi_Settings.txt and set "anxiety_enabled = true" to "= false". It just did not work any more. This immediately reminded me of a couple scenes I'd read in HDG where pov chars get put on class-E's and just can't do that any more, and I started wondering "okay so wtf is happening to me, why did an hour of physical contact put me on fucking plommy-tier drugs"

The answer, which I figured I would share with everyone else who might be similarly inexperienced with the Terran capacity to self-synthesize xenodrugs, is oxytocin! If you're anything like me, you probably read 'oxytocin' and go "oh yeah that's the hormone that makes you feel all lovey and dopey around people, right?" and think that's more of a class-C thing. Well: yes, but also, apparently no; as it turns out, it does more stuff than that! A friend linked me this article describing the anxiolytic effects of oxytocin:

I am not a chemist so I'll be real: I don't understand this shit beyond the abstract, but the abstract seems to be all one really needs to get the main point here; namely, that oxytocin - in addition to being a bonding hormone - also makes you less stressed. A lot less stressed, it seems like.

So in essence, it seems as if Terrans synthesize their own class-E's from prolonged intimate physical contact. This strikes me as having a lot of potential HDG-coded play uses, and so I'll briefly go over a few of them below:

You can, at least theoretically, probably force someone to get less anxious just by (it'd have to be non-stressful, presumably, or this wouldn't work) physically restraining them and then snuggling with them lots

Have someone who chronically worries about stuff, and can't be convinced to chill out? Just turn their own body against them and make it drug them into forcibly relaxing! There's a lot of potential for very hot play in having someone who is very anxious and usually refuses comfort from their friends just getting forced to snuggle for a while, and the fact that if they don't break out of it, their brain is going to make them calm down adds a very fun con-noncon aspect to it.

I noticed while experimenting that the sound of someone's breathing/heartbeat is in fact very hypnotic, and I found myself naturally synchronising my own breathing with my partner's. This is probably about as close to core cuddles as it's possible to get irl.

Since oxytocin is also a class-C, you can bully whoever you're doing this to about how you are also forcing them to love and trust you in the process!

i am a dumb bitch who doesn't know how to stop working, and the thought of being forced to chill the fuck out by both physical and chemical means is very hot

The last thing I can think to note is that the general sensory overwhelm of being in such close proximity to another person also had a very strong quieting effect on my ADHD; which in turn made falling into a trance state not only easier, but automatic without any encouragement (oh yeah also I'm autistic and ime the sensory from getting squished tight is Very Good). the takeaway here being that it would probably be very easy to hypnotise someone who was being little spoon i think

So yes! I have not yet had the chance to experiment further with this, but I may make a follow-up post when I've had more time to come up with additional ideas. In general I just really like the idea that, if you're anxious, you can just go "hi hello please hold and squish me for an hour" and your brain responds with "understandable; disengaging anxiety module for the next 16 hours". all the memes about terrans being designed for touching were true it seems

[olivianyx]

OMGG I JUST GOT RESULTS WITHOUT BEATING MYSELF UP WITH ROUTINES 😭 + RANT ✨

HEYY LUVS! I JUST WANNA SHARE MY RESULTS I MANIFESTED WITHIN 2-3 DAYS! THIS YEAR'S GONNA BE MY BEST YEAR Y'ALL ✋AND GUESS WHAT I DID? NOTHING. LITERALLY NOTHING. NUH-UH. PERIODT.

⚠ LONG POST AHEAD, SWEARING ⚠

WHAT I MANIFESTED:

🪄 PASSING MY FRESHMAN YEAR WITH HIGH SCORES

🪄 MY FAMILY BOUGHT A NEW APARTMENT WHICH WERE PREPARING TO MOVE IN 3 WEEKS

🪄 ME GETTING INTO THE VOID STATE 😭 AND MANIFESTED CLEAR SKIN! (DAYUM GETTING INTO THE VOID IS DEFO VERY EASY OMGG)

🪄 GETTING LESS ANXIOUS LATELY!

🪄 MY GASTRITIS AND ULCERITIS GETTING CURED

🪄 GETTING MORE COMPLIMENTS IN MY UNI!

🪄 GETTING TALLER! I WENT FROM 5'3" TO 5'7" IN 2 DAYS 😭😭

🪄 GETTING DREAMS OF ME SHIFTING TO MY WR 🥺 (ACTUALLY RESPAWNING LOL, AS THIS THING IS REALLY CONTROVERSIAL IN HERE, PLEASE DON'T GET ME CANCELLED- I'M DOING DEATHLESS RESPAWNING ✋)

🪄 MY MIND IS SURPRISINGLY CALM 😌 THERE'S STILL INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS THO (THOSE ARE ANNOYING ASS BITCHES) BUT I JUST IGNORE EM LIKE I IGNORE PEOPLE AT SCHOOL 🗿

🪄 GOT MANY CONFESSIONS TOO 😭 AND I REJECTED EM ALL, CUS I JUST WANT TO BE SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ✋🗿 JK

🪄 GETTING COOL CLOTHES THAT MY MOM DENIED A LOTTA TIMES! (ACTUALLY I'VE ORDERED EM BUT STILL HAVEN'T SHIPPED TO MY ADDRESS YET LOL)

🪄 MY CRUSH BECOMING CLOSE TO ME HEHE 🤭 LIKE SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME MUCH, BUT LATELY SHE'S BEEN TOO CLOSE TO ME AND ALWAYS WANNA BE WITH ME LOL, 3 DAYS BACK SHE AND I WALKED HOME TOGETHER, WHILE WE GRABBED SOME SNACKS, SPOKE ABT EACH OTHER AND ALL (I FELT LIKE BEING IN A SHOUJO MANGA 😩)

🪄 A NEW PHONE! THAT SAMSUNG GALAXY S22 😩

I MANIFESTED EVERYTHING WITHIN 3 DAYS 😭 I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES, JUST. 3. FUCKING. DAYS. GODDAMMIT.

HOW I DID IT:

JUST FULFILLED IT IN MY IMAGINATION

YEP, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT. I LIVED IN THE 4D REALITY, I NEVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT THE 3D AT ALL. OK LEMME BREAK IT DOWN FOR Y'ALL SO JUST PAY ATTENTION FROM HERE ONWARDS.

🪄 SUPPOSE SOMETHING UNDESIRABLE OR UNFAVORABLE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE HAPPENING IN YOUR 3D. WHO'S THE CAUSE FOR THAT? YOU. 'BUT I DIDN'T IMAGINE OR THINK OF THESE 😭' BABY, YOU'RE THE SOLE CAUSE, EFFECT, AND THE SOLUTION. THERE'S NO OTHER EXPLANATION TO THIS.

🪄 AS WE ALL KNOW, 3D IS A MIRROR. RIGHT? WHATEVER YOU THINK ABOUT, YOUR ASSUMPTIONS, YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR FEELINGS, YOUR PERSPECTIVE EVERYTHING WILL BE REFLECTED. SO WHY NOT THINK THE WAY YOU WANT SO YOU CAN EXPERIENCE THE SAME? GET IT.

🪄 IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE THE 3D, CHANGE YOUR 4D FIRST. CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE TO HOW YOUR DESIRED SELF WOULD SEE THE WORLD. KEEP DWELLING IN IT. IF THE 3D SHOWS UNFAVORABLE CIRCUMSTANCES, DON'T FUCKING GET TRIGGERED. GO BACK TO YOUR IMAGINATION AND DENY YOUR SENSES.

🪄 EVERYTIME YOU SEE SOMETHING ELSE IN THE 3D, GO 'BRUHH THIS IS MY OLD STORY, I ALREADY HAVE WHAT I WANT, THIS IS JUST FAKE' AND MOVE ON. DISTRACT YOURSELF. CUS THE 3D WORLD WHICH YOU SEE IS AN ILLUSION, IT'S NOT REAL. IT'S YOUR CREATION, WHY WOULD YOU TRY TO CONTROL WHAT YOU CREATED? IT'S ALREADY IN CONTROL. YOU ONLY GOTTA REALISE YOUR GODSELF. YOU ARE THE CREATOR, NOT THE CREATION. STOP FUCKING VICTIMIZING YOURSELF.

🪄 I GET IT THAT MOST OF THE PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED BETWEEN LAW OF ASSUMPTION AND NON DUALISM. EVEN I WAS, BUT SLOWLY I REALISED THAT WE'RE ALL NOTHING. WE'RE JUST LIVING IN OUR OWN CREATIONS. VICTIMIZING OURSELVES IN OUR OWN CREATIONS. IRONIC RIGHT?

🪄 THOSE THOUGHTS, ANXIETY, FEELINGS, EMOTIONS ARE ALL IN YOUR PHYSICAL REALM. YOUR MIND, YOUR BODY, YOUR EGO EVERYTHING IS NO REAL, WE ASSUME IT TO BE. WE'RE ARE SHAPELESS, FORMLESS, WE'RE NOTHING! AND EVERYTHING AT THE SAME TIME. CUS EVERYTHING COMES DOWN TO ONE THING, I AM.

🪄 K Y'ALL MIGHT BE SUPER CONFUSED, WHAT I'M TRYNA INFUSE IN YOUR BRAINS. SO WHAT YOU DO IS, LIVE IN YOUR 4D.HOW? IMAGINATION. NO MATTER WHAT YOU SEE IN YOUR 3D, GO BACK TO YOUR IMAGINATION, AFFIRM OR VISUALISE. ANYTHING IS FINE BTW. JUST STAY IN THE STATE OF WISH FULFILLED.

🪄 STOP RELYING ON METHODS, FUCK THEM. JUST BE. DON'T TRY TO CHANGE SOMETHING WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE THEM. JUST STOP, SURRENDER, STOP FIGHTING, STOP TRYING SO HARD WHEN YOUR ALREADY IT. SO GO LIVE IN YOUR IMAGINATION, FULLY SURRENDER. DO THINGS WHICH YOU LIKE. GO LIVE YOUR LIFE. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK.

LIKE AREN'T YOU TIRED? TRAPPED IN YOUR OWN CREATIONS? YOU CREATED THEM, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE WHATEVER. TELL ME HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA LIVE THIS BULLSHIT LIFE? YOU'RE REALLY GETTING COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE. SO LISTEN UP, DO WHAT YOU LOVE, AFFIRM, VISUALISE, OR DAYDREAM, ZONE OUT, WHATEVER. ALL I DID WAS DO THIS MEDITATION IN THE MORNING, WENT ABOUT MY DAY WATCHING JUJUTSU KAISEN LMAO. THEN RANDOMLY AFFIRM, LIVED IN MY 4D, NEVER PAYED ANY FUCKING ATTENTION TO MY 3D, CUS I'M GOD. I REALLY LOVE VISUALISING, SO I PUT ON A SONG AND START DAYDREAMING IN MY ROOM SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT. ALSO, I DID SATS BEFORE GOING TO BED. THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL I DID FOR 3 FUCKING DAYS, AND GOT WHAT EVER I WANT. ALSO I MADE A CUSTOM TAPE TOO (IT'S A GENERAL SELF CONCEPT ONE) I LISTENED TO IT FOR 30 MINS AND JUST WENT ABOUT MY DAY THINKING I HAD WHATEVER I FUCKING DESIRE, CUS IT'S ALL MY CREATIONS AND I HAVE IT ALREADY. THERE'S NOTHING TO GET, IT'S ALREADY IN ME.

LUV YOU, BYE 💋

[thriftedtchotchkes]

love like you

pairing: mike schmidt x gn!reader

summary: mike helps you through a rough patch by reminding you of the many, many reasons he loves you

warnings: established relationship, angst, comfort, mentions of depression, anxiety & panic attacks, self-doubt, intrusive thoughts

word count: 2.1k

"Why do you love me?"

You ask the question so quietly, Mike almost misses it over the movie playing in the background. At first, he's not sure how to respond—or at the very least, where to begin.

You've never asked him that before, and he'd never given it much thought if he's being totally honest. He assumed you hadn't, either. It's just something he feels.

It's something he's always felt, gradually building since the day you led his sister back to him after she'd wandered off in the supermarket. He took one look at you, your kind eyes and patient smile, and asked you on a date without a second thought. That's what it's like to love you—instinctual.

He glances away from the TV and looks down at you curiously. Your head is nestled on his lap, eyes already locked on his and filled with apprehension he can't even begin to understand. There are a thousand and one reasons to love you; don't you realize that? He'd tell you every one if you asked.

He loves you because you're always there, through the late-night shifts and nightmares, helping him parent a child you shouldn't have to be responsible for at such a young age. You confiscate his controller every time he tries to smash it in a fit of rage, beating whatever boss he'd been fighting for hours like a champ. He thinks you're so fucking cool.

And you understand him like no one else ever has, so attentive and always willing to try. You kiss away his fears, strip him bare, unmask him. Allow him to seek shelter inside you, ride him to a mind-numbing release when his darkest thoughts threaten to consume him.

You hold him when he wants to give up, when the weight of the world is too much and persevering is too hard. The familiar, soothing tone of your voice reminds him to breathe, to tune out the little things and remember that there's still good to be found in life.

It's everything you do and everything you are. That's why he loves you.

But before he can say anything at all, your face screws up and your bottom lip begins to tremble. His chest immediately tightens.

"Woah, hey. It's okay," he murmurs, keeping you grounded in the present despite his rising panic. "You're okay."

You're prone to spiraling, but after years together, he knows the best way to mitigate it is to stay calm. Regardless of the raging storm in your head, you're safe with him, warm and dry at home on your couch.

He caresses your cheek, then trails up to scrub at the crinkle in your forehead. "What's going on up there?"

"Nothing. It's—really, it's nothing. I'm sorry, I don't know why I asked you that," you shake your head, averting your gaze elsewhere. But after a moment, your eyes snap back to his, and there's so much pain there, he can almost feel it.

"No, it's...it's everything. My brain won't shut up, and it's mean and loud, and I just—," you pause, clenching your jaw in frustration. "I just don't get it. Of everyone you could've been with, why me? I can't understand why you chose me."

The question feels like a slap in the face. Like he had so many choices and only picked you based on some predetermined criteria of what someone should want in a partner. He didn't just pull your name out of a bowl, either. You chose each other.

He wracks his brain to figure out what he could've said or done to make you believe otherwise, but then remembers this isn't about him. He tries again to explain all of the reasons he wanted to before, to tell you that the unrelenting thoughts ping-ponging in your head are wrong, but you continue on, unraveling before his eyes.

"I'm a shitty person. I'm selfish and useless, and all I do is make everyone around me unhappy. There's always a crisis, I'm always sad. And I always make everything about me," you tell him, getting angrier by the second. "Ugly, worthless, selfish, selfish. I’m a fucking burden. You know, I—I just keep waiting for you to figure it out and leave. To get sick of this...of me."

He listens helplessly as you tear yourself apart, the ache in his chest intensifying the worse your verbal barrage becomes. He knows he can't just reassure away your insecurities or magically heal your trauma, no matter how badly he wants to. But he also can't let this go on any longer.

"Stop," he says softly, cutting you off. Hearing the full extent of your criticism is agonizing, and if it's hurting him this much, he hates to think what you must be feeling. "None of that is true. I think...I hope, deep down, you know that."

The broken look you give him tells him you don't, or maybe that you can't, at least not right now. You open your mouth to retort, but he shakes his head and hauls you up into his arms. He holds you close as you start to tremble, guiding you to rest your cheek on his shoulder.

"There's nothing shitty about you, alright? You're the least selfish person I've ever met. Kinda wish you were so you'd stop prioritizing us over yourself all the time," he murmurs into your hair. "And you're fucking gorgeous. I don't want to hear you say any of that ever again."

He tilts his head to meet your eyes. "Got it?"

You shake your head, turning to hide your face in the crook of his neck. He sighs. He just can't fathom how you could possibly look at yourself and not see what he and Abby do. But then again, he might understand more than he'd like to admit.

Everything you've told him tonight feels jarringly familiar. The self-hatred, the unending criticism—he wallows in those thoughts all the time and knows better than anyone that they'll eat you alive if you bottle them up for too long.

He hates that you have to suffer through this just because brain chemistry is indiscriminately cruel. It's unfair. He, at the very least, deserves it.

Except, that's not actually true, is it? And if your roles were reversed, you'd remind him as many times as it takes for him to believe it. You'd tell him that he's perfect exactly the way he is. That he's a good parent, brother, and partner, and regardless of all of the shit life has thrown his way, he's still a good person that isn't defined by his lowest moments.

So, he'll do the same for you.

He shifts you on his lap so you're face-to-face, your legs bracketing his thighs, and cups your cheeks to keep your attention on him. He's not letting you hide anymore. He needs you to hear what he has to say and trust that he'd never lie to you.

"You're not worthless or useless or anything else your brain is telling you right now. Okay? You're perfect," he says quietly, stroking your cheek. "I've always thought you were perfect, from the moment I met you."

Doubt clouds your expression. "I don't believe you."

"Why would I lie to you?"

"B-because that's what you're supposed to say when you're trying to make someone feel better," you reply shakily.

Ouch. He hadn’t expected that answer. It stings that you'd think so little of him, especially after all this time. He feels like he’s grasping at straws now, but everything he wants to say is just a variation of how highly he sees you. It’s all equally true, but if you can’t accept that, then what else can he do?

"Then, tell me what you need to hear right now. Tell me how to help you through this, because I love you so fucking much, and I will do anything," he pleads, his frustration bleeding through despite how hard he tries to suppress it.

It’s starting to affect you. You’re shaking like a leaf, and he can tell you want to run away, but instead of letting you go, he wraps his arms around you as carefully as he can to keep you from leaving. He doesn't want to force you to face this. He just needs you to stop hurting yourself. Your face crumples, and he feels his own do the same.

"I don't know. Probably nothing," you tell him, voice cracking. "Look, we don't have to talk about it anymore. I'm sorry for bringing it up in the first place. Can we just go back to watching the movie? I’ll rewind it—“

But Mike doesn't want to let this go. Even if he should, even though you're asking—he's determined to make sure you go to bed tonight knowing how loved you are. His next words come out harsher than he wants them to, but he’s getting desperate. He’s only human.

"Fine. You want the truth? Being with you is hard. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, and sometimes, it hurts like hell," he starts. Your expression morphs from sad to devastated, and he feels terrible for upsetting you, but he has to say this for both of your sakes.

"But that's what makes it worth it. I've never felt this way about anyone, probably never will again. Not because it's easy; because it's you. Sure, no one's perfect, but you're about as close as it gets. You're it for me.”

He truly believes that. Maybe you do, too. The tension in your body is beginning to bleed away, and you slowly sag against him, tucking yourself into his chest. He catches a glimpse of your face as you melt into him, and for the first time tonight, you look hopeful. Nuzzling into your hair, he continues.

"I can't imagine a life without you anymore. It's like you're part of me now, maybe even the best parts, and I fill in the gaps in between. We just…figured it out at some point. Together.” He’s starting to ramble, but he’s too invested to stop. Judging by the fact that you haven’t interrupted him or tried to intervene, it doesn’t seem like you want him to, either.

“Even the small shit other couples fight about. Like the dishes—you hate doing those because digging the silverware out of the sink grosses you out, so I do it. And you fold the laundry because I always burn myself taking the clothes out of the dryer. We talk shit out. We try."

He squeezes you a little tighter. “Maybe those seem like shitty reasons to love someone, but they’re real. Just as real as what I told you before," he says softly, pausing to kiss the top of your head. "You're beautiful. You're kind and passionate, and I’m just the lucky guy that gets to be with you. I’ll be here as long as you want me.”

When he finally finishes, he’s all but gasping for air. His heart pounds wildly in his chest, and he’s breathing so heavily, he feels like he just ran a marathon. But it’s worth it to see the look on your face as you peer up at him, cautious but peaceful.

“How could I not want you?” you whisper, splaying your hand across his chest, just below his collarbone. You're feeling his heartbeat.

"I've been asking you that all damn night," he chuckles. Cradling your head in his palm, he swipes away a few stray tears that fall with the next flutter of your lashes. "So, did I answer your question or should I keep going? Because seriously, I can keep going—"

You snort, effectively cutting him off, then give him a wry smile. The relief he feels is palpable.

“You know, I really don’t deserve you," you murmur as you lean up to kiss the underside of his jaw. When your lips linger, he ducks down to press his against yours, kissing you deeply and pouring in everything left unsaid.

"Sure, you do," he says kindly, but with finality. Now that the adrenaline has worn off, you're both starting to look as tired as you feel. But more than that, he's grateful; to have you in his life and to be able to comfort you when you need it most. You taught him that. "And I think we both deserve some sleepytime tea and a really soft blanket...if Abby didn't already steal it off our bed."

Your face lights up, and it's as if he solved all of the world's problems with that one simple offering. It's the same look you give him when he tells you he loves you. The corners of your eyes crinkle as you say it back.

"I love you, too."

thanks for reading!

divider by @saradika-graphics

a/n: this was a homework assignment from my therapist 💀 oops

[baby-yongbok]

You & Me

Han Jisung x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst, idol

✨️Masterlist✨️

Warnings: mentions of wanting to die. (It's just for a second, I swear), Themes of a breakup/ ended relationship

Word Count: 1,460

Note: As soon as I heard Miserable (You & Me) I knew that I had to write based off of the lyrics. So I wrote this in thirty minutes while on anxiety medication that makes me a zombie so I'm sorry if it sucks but I actually love it.

Summary: You and Han's last call is emotional, to say the least.

"Did you tell them yet?" You whispered into your phone receiver. Han was quiet for a second before sighing heavily.

"No… I'm not sure that I know how to. Do I just say, hey guys y/n and I broke up during rehearsal or something?" He lets out a sad chuckle and a ghost of a smile pulls at your lips.

"Just sit them down and tell them, Ji… I don't want you to go through this alone." It's quiet for a few seconds. The dim light in your room embracing you softly, mirroring how you feel inside.

"I'm not going through this alone… you're going through it too."

"You know what I mean, Ji." You sigh, shutting your eyes and leaning your head against your bed's headboard. "You know… we probably won't really talk anymore anyway so -"

"Don't say that." Han's words are rushed but you can still hear the pain behind them. "Of course we can talk."

"About what? Do you want to reminisce about all of our arguments? Or talk about the future we gave up on? Talking to you would just…" Your voice grows smaller as you process your emotions.

"Don't." Han whispers, you can imagine his pained facial expression. Eyes closed and his nose slightly scrunched as he battled his heavy thoughts.

"It would just be painful… for both of us and I don't want you to be in any more pain, Jisung."

"Then let's fix this, y/n… let's figure out the long distance."

"Ji…"

"Please, you don't understand how many times I shut my eyes and hope that when I open them that this is all a dream. For two years you have been my everything, y/n. You have been the center of everything, you are a part of my life and if I have to let you go…if I really have to let you go then I honestly rather be dead."

Tears fall down your cheeks as you bring your knees to your chest and shrink into yourself. You knew that this would be hard when you decided to break up with Han but you also knew that the long distance and constant fighting wasn't what either of you needed or wanted right now. Deep down Han knew that too, he was just too afraid to say it.

"I know that this is hard… I've cried every night since we talked about it but this just can't work… I never see you, Ji… your job is something bigger than the both of us right now and it's not anyone's fault… it's just how your life is designed and right now I don't fit here… we don't fit here." You hear Han sniffle on the other line and you swear that your heart breaks a bit more. The sound only makes your own tears fall heavier.

"Is there someone else?" His question comes out in a whisper. He didn't want to ask it but knowing him he probably couldn't go another second without a solid answer to his intrusive thoughts.

"Of course not."

"Then… then tell me you're still mine, baby, please."

"Jisung… you shouldn't call me that." You pull your lips into a thin line as you take in the silence on the other line. At this point the silence has said more than either of you for this entire conversation.

"Please." His voice is once again barely above a whisper and you bring a hand up over your heart to make sure it's still beating. You're almost positive that the amount of pain in his voice could kill you but you have to try your best to stay strong. But, even if you are staying strong you can't leave him as the only one being vulnerable here, it just wouldn't be fair.

"I think… I think that I'll always be yours, you have my heart, Ji." That was the push that broke the dam for him. You listen helplessly as he sobs into his hands on the other line. You sit quietly trying not to succumb to your heavy emotions as well. The all too familiar silence swallows you both until your emotions seem to calm down a bit and all that's left is the sound of light panting and deep breaths every now and then.

"Do you remember when I came to visit you and I took you to the carnival?" A grin tugs at your lips as you shake your head.

"Yeah, I do, we got on the Ferris wheel because you swore you could handle it but you freaked out the second we started moving." You both chuckle lightly at the memory.

"It was terrifying but… when we got to the top and I looked at you.. and I watched you marvel at the view and that smile on your face when you pointed to the sunset…" He got quiet for a second as he recalled the memory. You could imagine a ghost of a smile across his lips.

"When I saw you looking like that… looking so beautiful, so breathtaking… I wasn't scared anymore, y/n." Now it was your turn to cry. The hand that was over your heart was now over your mouth as you tried your best to muffle your sobs. You knew it was no use, you knew that Han could tell that you were crying but you couldn't help yourself. You wanted to be strong for him.

"I kissed you on top of that Ferris wheel while the sun kissed the horizon and it was then that I knew that I love you."

"That was the first time you said it too." You manage to choke out through your small sobs. "I was so happy."

"I smiled for weeks after that. How could I not? You loved me.. I just.." The smile in his voice faded as reality hit him again. "I just wish that you would love me like that again."

"Han Jisung, I do love you… I love you with all of my heart but this relationship is going to hurt us way more than it is now if we don't take off our rose colored glasses and look at the reality of it all."

Han sighed in defeat, he knew you were right. The two of you weren't doing well with the distance and the dating rumors that social media constantly pushed out was not helping at all. They shipped Han with everyone they could think of which did horrible things for both your anxiety and his. You'd fight over pointless things and though you always made up you'd be fighting again a week later and it became a cycle that you two just couldn't seem to escape from. The last thing that you wanted to do was leave him but this just wasn't how your relationship was meant to go.

"You're my heart, you know? You always will be."

"You're my heart too, Ji."

"When I come to the states… Could I visit you?" He was shy to ask but he had to know if he could see you. It's all he ever wanted to do anyway, he always wanted to be around you. Hugging you, kissing you, cuddling you, and you used to love every second of it.

"You're always welcome here, Ji." You can nearly hear the smile that paints his face.

"And you're always welcome here, y/n… next time you come to Korea I'll show you all of the places I never got to show you while we were together… is that okay with you?" You smiled a sad smile 'while we were together' this is really over, huh?

"Sounds like a plan, Ji." Just as Han is about to reply you hear Changbin calling for him in the background and Han lets out a deep sigh. "Gotta go?"

"Yeah… we have promotions to do." His voice is sad again, small and distant.

"Can you promise that you'll take care of yourself, Ji… for me." Your voice is hopeful and pleading, something that Han can't seem to resist.

"For you, I'd do anything… So yeah, I promise." The silence came back to you both as you tried to figure out how to say goodbye.

"Well… I'll see you around, good luck."

"See you around, y/n.." Neither of you hung up for a couple of seconds, both wanting the other to say one last word. To hear one last breath escape their lips. Neither of you wanted to let go but you knew you had to. Just as you were about to hang up you heard Han's whispered words followed by the call ending. Tears welled up in your eyes once again as his words echoed through your head.

I love you, y/n

[beemovieerotica]

hey can you tell me how you got tested for OCD and/or started to think you had it?

yeeeess so it was literally 2018 when i was like "hm maybe i have OCD" to my therapist (who was not specialized in this) and she did not disagree with me and everything kind of clicked in that session between us when we both simultaneously realized a lot of my behaviors could be explained that way.

the hardest thing was that i'd already been diagnosed with generalized anxiety so like. "yes i obsess over conversations i've had or will have and repeat things over and over in my head" "yes i constantly check to make sure things are okay" "yes i hyperanalyze and hypercriticize myself" all got wrapped up in that.

i think the behavior that i actually brought up with that therapist that precipitated the realization was i started vacuuming a corner of my room repeatedly like over the course of several weeks, every day. just obsessively vacuuming this corner because i kept finding tiny cat litter crystals there from a previous tenant. i'd be literally picking it out of the carpet with my fingers with my head parallel to the floor just staring and trying to find these things for like an hour at a time. colossal waste of time. but it was "important." and i was finally like...THIS is excessive, right?

but i do a lot of things that are the opposite of "classic" OCD which confused me for YEARS - like i genuinely have such poor food hygiene and don't care about bodily fluids, i love touching sticky things, my personal things are poorly organized, my room was always a mess, etc etc.

i got officially evaluated when i went in for the psilocybin study (beginning of this year) where i met an OCD specialist for the first time who did this complete battery of questions with me. there were things i never realized were OCD for me:

very obsessed with parasitic insects and constantly checking for bedbugs and fleas even when i have no reason to suspect these things

constantly re-reading everything i write. 5x. 10x. saying whole sentences over and over in my head. the sentence is fine, i didn't make a mistake, but i just have to keep reading it to be 1000% sure.

rubbing my scalp a lot and pulling out random hairs on my legs, eyebrows, eyelashes

over-explaining so fucking much to be absolutely sure i'm not misunderstood or that someone can read bad intentions into what i'm saying. "predicting" conversations and anticipating entire lines of questioning and how i would defend myself. lol.

intrusive horror film-esque thoughts

being terrified as a child that i would be possessed by a demon if i yawned too wide - i had other extremely irrational superstitions that i would force on myself and try to live by for no reason, these started at like age 10

obsessions around my health (orthorexia, i've ping-ponged between various diets like vegan / gluten-free / vegetarian thinking that it would help me)

only ever felt normal when drinking. like i could just let go of the compulsions and anxiety while drunk.

it was really hard to even parse a lot of this out being 1) already anxious, 2) raised very religious, and 3) BOTH my parents and my older sister have OCD, so all this was just normal!! my mom also pulled out her hair. my mom and my sister also had eating disorders and very weird attitudes around medicine. superstitions and moral scrupulosity were encouraged in our community. i had no reason to think that any of this could all be linked back to an actual disorder.

i really wish i'd had intervention at least a decade or more earlier. this started when i was in grade school at least. it sucks. so much of the public perception of OCD is centered on the classic symmetry / cleanliness / hand-washing shit. it did not help that my family loved watching Monk when i was growing up so i was like "oh, i'm not like THAT" and never questioned it.

i think(?) i might go to the big OCD conference happening in the states next year, not sure, but i really want to talk to people about psilocybin. idk let me know if you have any other questions, i'm still processing a lot of this.

[alkaline-wtr]

ELEVATOR

Ghost x gn!reader

Description: Ghost and reader are neighbors who get stuck together in an elevator. Genre/Warnings: Ghost x reader, gn!reader, fluff, angst, a little hurt comfort, possibly enemies to lovers, imagine WC: 987

My Masterlist

**AN Good morning! Here's a little fluff, I don't exactly know if the genres I tagged it as fit, but either way i thought this piece was cute. Enjoy.

Ghost steps onto the elevator watching it close slowly, the doors are almost shut when he hears a voice.

"Wait!"

He peered through the two metal plates you come walking quickly down the hall.

Ghost lets out an irritated sigh realizing it's you.

You and Ghost were neighbors. Living on the same floor of the apartment building. For some reason, despite your efforts over the last year Ghost just didn't seem to like you. In fact, he despised you.

Ghost wasn't exactly sure what it was about you that made him dislike you so much. Maybe it was your intrusive nature.

You put your hand in between the doors causing them to retract.

"Good morning, Simon. How are you?"

You asked in a sweet voice as you stepped onto the elevator beside him.

"Fine."

Ghost grumbled in response. You smile back at him but there is a sadness in your eyes.

Ghost presses the button for the first floor. He is obviously in no mood for small talk.

The elevator begins its descent. A low hum emits from the fluorescent lights overhead. Filling the uncomfortable silence between you.

You're watching as the numbers go down when suddenly the elevator comes to a halt rumbling beneath your feet.

The first thought that comes to Ghost's mind is confusion. His hand reaches across you and taps the button a couple times.

You watch with wide eyes as Ghost fiddles with the buttons.

"We're not stuck, are we?"

Ghost's glares at you,

"Obviously." He snapped.

Normally the comment would have hurt you but all you felt at this moment was the rising panic at the realization of the situation.

Ghost sighs pulling out his phone. He immediately notices the absence of the little white bars on the top of the screen.

"No reception."

He states, holding his cell up in the air in an attempt to find a connection.

The pounding of your heart is like a drumbeat in your chest. The warm wave of the fear and adrenaline washing over you makes you feel disconnected. You don't hear Ghosts frustrated grunts.

You'd always had anxiety, and this was one of your biggest fears.

Ghost lowers his Phone and looks down to you.

"What?"

Ghost asks annoyed. Pure terror is apparent on your face.

"I-I just- This... has always been a fear of mine."

You stuttered.

His expression softens. Ghost was well aware of anxiety and the effects it can have.

"It'll be okay."

His attempts at reassuring you don't seem to work as your breathing grows shallower.

Instead of the usual irritation Ghost felt being in your presence, he felt sympathetic towards you. Understanding first-hand how you were feeling in this moment.

"I suffer from anxiety too sometimes."

His voice is soft, and you can see something in his eyes you never had before, vulnerability.

The momentary silence between you two is loud. Your eyes are locked with his before you finally speak.

"Simon?"

The words are soft. He looked at you expectantly.

"Why do you hate me so much?"

The whispered question hangs in the air. Ghost breathes out a sigh averting his eyes.

"I don't..."

He stops himself from answering and thinks. Ghost hadn't really had a reason. He just wasn't fond of you. His negative feelings were unjustified. As he thought back to all the previous interactions, he realized you'd never been anything but nice to him.

With the pain and hurt of his difficult past, He'd found it hard for him to tolerate your positive and bubbly attitude. He was hurting deep inside, and you only brought that to light.

The truth was you hadn't done anything wrong, Ghost just couldn't separate his feelings of frustration from his opinion of you.

"I owe you an apology, y/n. I've allowed my own frustrations to interfere with my behavior towards you. It is unfair, and you never deserved to bear the brunt of it."

You looked at him shocked by his words. Ghost didn't seem the type to apologize.

"Will you please forgive me?"

He asked. Ghost knew you had every right to turn him away. After the way he had treated you for so long, he didn't deserve your forgiveness.

As always you proved to be kindhearted with your generous response.

"Of course. We all have our struggles. I appreciate you being honest with me."

You smiled at him. Your smile seemed so genuine and pure.

"I know this may mean nothing but if I'm honest with you, I've always liked you."

Your admission takes Ghost by surprise. The truth of the matter was that you had feelings for Ghost for a while. By hanging around and being friendly you hoped he could eventually warm up to you. Although, it had all seemed stupid now, you should have just communicated.

Ghost searched your face for any indication of what you were thinking. He had no idea how to respond. So, he did the only thing that came to mind at the moment.

A rough hand grabs your cheek forcing you to face him. Ghost hovers his lips over yours for a moment a silent way of asking for your permission.

When you didn't pull away Ghost took that as an okay to continue. His plush lips brush against yours.

You stiffen in hesitation, unsure of your actions. This had been a moment you'd only dreamt of and now that it was happening you didn't want anything to mess it up.

Finally, you lean in, kissing him back.  laughing nervously, when he pulls away.

"I almost forgot that we are stuck in an elevator."

You whisper. Ghost chuckles to himself and glances around

"Oh yeah. We aren't we."

He leans across you and presses the emergency call button. As you're waiting for Ghost to find a solution to the situation you can't help but smile to yourself feeling giddy and excited about what is to come.

[macgyvermedical]

My Experience in Inpatient Psych

So I know a lot of people on here have talked about their experience in inpatient psych facilities, but I'd like to add mine just to give all you writers out there a writer-focused one. It's below the cut just in case you have to sit this one out for your own reasons.

To give you some background, I am 30 years old and have had hallucinations since about 16 and bizarre intrusive thoughts (someone living in my house that wasn't supposed to be there, somebody poisoned my walls, etc...) for about a decade, as well as very severe anxiety since I was about 3 years old. This is something not a lot of people know about me, even people I am friends with IRL.

The only thing I am actually diagnosed with is anxiety, which I'm starting to think is a failing of the psych systems I have been a part of. I have had counseling off and on and prior to this hospitalization I took escitalopram, aripiprazole, and gabapentin prescribed by my primary care doctor- all for the severe anxiety.

Quite frankly, I should have been in inpatient psych at least a few times before this, and it's by sheer dumb luck that I've survived to continue this blog.

On Friday, I was at home alone and made a few pretty bad decisions. I wont say what they were because frankly they're embarrassing, but they have to do with self-harm. I was scheduled to work Saturday and at about 9pm I realized that if I drove myself to work I would crash my car. Since my wife drives me sometimes, I figured I would just ask her to.

I told my wife and she asked- even if she drove me to work, since I was a nurse, would I be able to keep myself safe around insulin or other potentially dangerous drugs? I couldn't answer that question. We talked for a couple hours and came to the conclusion that I probably needed to go to the emergency department.

At this point I figured they would evaluate me and release me because I couldn't possibly meet the criteria for inpatient. I was wrong in this assumption. After telling them the decisions I had made that day, the feelings of wanting to die in a car crash, plus about a previous attempt, they recommended inpatient. Turns out, when you're a nurse, you can make some really bad life choices with the knowledge you have, and they didn't want to take any chances.

I was given paper scrubs to wear (so I couldn't hurt myself with my clothing or a hospital gown). I was also given a patient companion (someone who sits in the room and makes sure you don't hurt yourself).

They gave me the option of signing myself in voluntarily, or putting me on a writ of detention. A writ of detention is a piece of paperwork that allows a medical professional or law enforcement officer to hold someone for 3 days in a psychiatric facility against the person's will for the purposes of psychiatric treatment. Whether you sign the voluntary or get placed on a writ, you cannot sign yourself out. You need to wait until the psychiatrist taking care of you thinks you're ready to go.

I didn't believe at this point I needed to go inpatient, but I took the voluntary option because there are some perks, like being able to leave within 3 days if appropriate. At this point I was convinced I was probably going to have to call off work Saturday and Sunday, probably be out of the hospital Monday, have a few days to rest and be back at work on my next scheduled shift after that, which was Thursday.

Well, that's not what happened.

Because of some of the decisions I had made, along with bed availability, they wanted to keep me in the observation unit overnight before they sent me to psych. I stayed overnight in a unit that shares staff with the unit I work on, so I was taken care of by my coworkers. This was surprisingly not that bad. I like my coworkers and they were really professional about it.

Saturday I felt like I was in a fog all day. I couldn't watch TV. I couldn't color or write. I worked out some in my hospital room and paced the halls once or twice. Mostly I hung out with my wife and occasionally talked with my companion, but even talking was difficult. I had refused ativan because I felt like I had no hope of finding a medication that made me feel better, and I figured I didn't want to take the one medication that might actually work and then not be able to get it ever again.

Around 7PM I took a 45 minute ambulance ride to the facility. Getting my blood pressure taken is a big anxiety trigger for me, but my brain felt so scrambled that I couldn't express this well. They took it every 10 minutes on the ride there and by the time I got there it was in the 170s/100s (BP goes up when you're having severe anxiety). This was not their fault of course, but no matter how much I thought about telling them or refusing the BPs, I just couldn't do it.

When I got to the facility I was greeted by a tech who took my BP again (150s/90s this time), showed me around and looked through my personal belongings (basically just the clothing I came in with since my wife took my phone and wallet knowing I wouldn't be able to have them on the unit) to make sure I didn't have anything I wasn't allowed to on the unit. She showed me around my room and was really thorough with telling me how things worked, what the rules were, etc..

The rules included:

No patients allowed in other patients rooms

No personal belongings that had strings, belts, or laces, or that could be used as a weapon

No caffeine after lunch and no free access to caffeine

No personal electronics (including eReaders and watches). There was a TV in the day room and 2 phones mounted to the wall for patient use

A little later my nurse came into my room and asked me a ton of questions. Here's the thing about any hospital- you get asked the same questions over and over. By the time I'd gotten there I could give my story in under a minute. Or at least, that's what it felt like. There were only 2 clocks on the unit, at the nurses stations.

The unit itself was laid out in a "T" shape. There was a main nurse's station at the place where the two hallways intersected. At the end of the long hallway there was another smaller nurses station, a cafeteria/day room, and a "comfort room" which was a small room off the day room that had a collection of the oldest and worst donated books that have every come together on a bookshelf.

I did some pacing that night and then went to bed, but didn't sleep particularly well.

On Sunday morning the tech woke me up to take my blood pressure, which was, not unsurprisingly, still high. It was about 5 AM so I got up and paced the longer of the corridors for about an hour. Breakfast was served at 8 and the food wasn't that bad. The coffee was about the worst I'd ever drank, which I suppose helped with the no caffeine goals.

Just after breakfast I met with a psychiatrist on an iPad for about half a minute, and I'm not exaggerating there. The only questions he asked were whether I was suicidal and whether I would be fine with tripling my dose of aripiprazole in light of the hallucinations. I had had a 50-lb weight gain in the last year so I asked to switch my med. He switched the med to cariprazine. That was all.

I had a much longer meeting with my nurse later. All the nurses did an excellent job of assessing me, asked tons of questions, and it seemed like they really tried to figure out what was going on. That day I also met with a social worker, and a therapist, and a nurse practitioner. Each of them did an assessment to see what my needs were while I was there.

There was also a music therapy session where I cried my eyes out to Because of You by Kelly Clarkson.

I was really tired by the end of the day but I also didn't think I could sleep so I asked for trazodone. I should clarify that when I say "I" in this piece I really mean my wife convinced me to ask because I legitimately didn't believe I needed or deserved any of the things I asked for at this point. To my utter shock and surprise, they gave me the trazodone.

My first night on trazodone was amazing and I realized I hadn't slept well in a long time. With trazodone I fell asleep and stayed asleep until the blood pressure cart came rolling down the hallway at 5am. The second I got up on Monday morning I was wide awake.

I paced a lot Monday. I went to a goals session in the morning where I gave a goal to write 3/4 of a page. I didn't know if I could do it or what I was even going to write about, but I know I like to write and it might be a reasonable introduction to getting back to life.

I also was having kind of a rough day brain-wise. My brain was coming up with all the ways I could hurt myself in my room. There weren't a lot of them, but it was trying. I told the nurse during her assessment and she asked if I felt I could keep myself safe. I asked her what she would do if I said no. She said they could move me to a more secure part of the unit and give me more supervision. I knew what part of the unit she was talking about, and I didn't want to go there (no space to pace, and pacing was keeping me alive right then). So I told her I could keep myself safe (if anything, the idea of moving was good motivation to do stay safe in itself). I hallucinated some black and white blood cells falling from the ceiling and music coming out of my vents.

I also had another meeting with the social worker to figure out discharge plans. I voiced in the meeting that I wasn't sure that I could trust my wife, since it felt like at the time she was the one who exaggerated my symptoms to get me in here. The social worker said we had really good communication skills, since this was something I felt needed to be said in front of both of them and we both stayed really calm through the whole thing.

I finished the day with an art therapy session that really helped me turn a corner. The prompt was to draw the emotion(s) you felt right now on one side of the paper, and to draw the emotions you wished you could feel on the other side. For the first time I realized that my emotional state was actually really bad and that the suicidality hadn't come out of nowhere, and that I needed help.

When my wife came to visit later that night I was able to tell her about my breakthrough, even though I still felt a little bit like she had done something to get me in here and I still wasn't sure I needed to be inpatient.

Tuesday was a lot better. I felt like I had woken up out of some kind of fog and I had no idea how long I'd been in it. I went to goals group, a spiritual group, and group occupational therapy. My goal was to be more social and I made a friend and we paced together and worked out. I read a quarter of The Martian by Andy Weir (my wife brought it for me because the best thing on the bookshelf was Louis L'Amour). I wrote about how good I suddenly felt. Turns out, I thought, a few days of good sleep, lots of therapy, and a new medication or two will really change things.

A quick side note about The Martian. I highly recommend it to anyone who is chilling in a psych hospital but has the ability to read while they're there (I sure didn't the first few days). I don't really know why, but the first few times I read it, I felt like they had created this superhuman character in Mark Watney just so they could throw a ton of wild things at him for the story. This time reading it, as a suddenly not suicidal person, I realized anyone with Mark's skill would have done the same thing and not just died on Sol 7 to get it over with.

Wednesday I woke up not feeling nearly as good as Tuesday, but still like the fog had lifted. I was a little disappointed (I hallucinated my cat (thanks for coming to visit me, Corina), some spiders, and just felt kinda meh. But I remembered how good I felt the day before, and that really kept me hopeful about going home.

I saw the psychiatrist again and asked to go home. He joked a little about me staying till Christmas, but ultimately he said as soon as his note was in I could go. I ended up leaving at about 12:30 with my wife.

In the time since leaving I have required a lot of support from my wife. The medications are all locked up, so are the blades and anything I could use to hurt myself. My wife has me in eyeshot at all times. I can't drive due to intrusive thoughts, so she does all the driving now. I quit my job because I feel like it was a big part of why I ended up as bad as I was. As someone who has been a pretty independent person this is a big change of pace, but something that is really necessary to my healing.

Ultimately at the end of my hospital stay, I was prescribed escitalopram, gabapentin, trazodone, cariprazine, and then a few days later propranolol. I'm currently on a total of 5 psych meds and honestly I don't care one bit because its so much better than being not on them at this point in my life.

[blueishspace]

Looped Sun 12

Loop #380

Mumbo: Ok, it is done!

Scar: What is- WHAT IS THAT!?!

Grian: Is that why you needed the power stone?

Mumbo: It sure is mate. I present to you the new and improved powers stone powered Buttercups mech.

Grian: It's great!

Mumbo: Doc stands no chance against it!

Scar: Wooho! big and large! My favorite combo!

Mumbo: ... U-uh. R-right moving on.

Scar: What!?

Loop #383

Scott: Thomas sanders, right?

Thomas: Yeah? A looper right? Whose place did you take?

Scott: Oh right right, I'll be your Creativity for this loop.

Thomas: Oh... can you tell me why my friends had animal features this time around?

Scott: Oh that is a thing from our loop that seems to have carried over.

Thomas: ... Wait...Ours?

Scott: Right! Morality!

Jimmy: Hello! First fused loop for me so I'm a bit nervous... Why didn't you just call me by name though.

Scott: Easiest way to introduce your role. Next, Logic!

Mumbo: H-here! I uh... I really should have been anxiety though.

Jimmy: Eh, I see it. You are like, really smart Mumbo.

Mumbo: Oh... thanks.

Scott: Well, since you mentioned her, Anxiety!

Pearl: Hello mate.

Thomas: My anxiety being australian I didn't expect.

Pearl: Yeah... did you know about this australian spider that can kill you and is basically impossible to see?

Thomas: This is going terribly.

Jimmy: Listen It's not that bad, right?

Thomas: ...

Scott: It is pretty bad... Thomas' sides are all fragments of his personality but we aren't...we are complex people It's difficult to do their job.

Thomas: ...

Scott: Take me, sure I'm colorful and creative and prideful and all about that jazz but I'm also rational. I can't give Thomas the same delusional and completely fantastical type of pure creativity and imagination that he needs.

Jimmy: Well I think I'm doing a good job as morality!

Thomas: You are It's just...

Scott: You are also prideful and get weird when you feel insulted so your flavour. morality is too emotional, you also aren't used to killing being a bad thing as the life series has multiple respawns and Empires has infinite which means that the most basic morals of don't kill and don't steal don't really come to you naturally.

Jimmy: O-oh... well, I'm trying.

Scott: And Mumbo?

Mumbo: Y-yeah?

Scott: I mean it in the nicest way...Logic is supposed to reign Anxiety in, not akwardly stutter whenever Pearl makes a point.

Pearl: What can I say, I'm right.

Scott: And Pearl, I know you are having fun with this but you are treapassing into intrusive thoughts territories way too often.

Pearl: Do I? I'm sorry mate, I didn't mean to.

Thomas: It's...it's fine, I understand It's hard I just-

Mumbo: U-uh can I say something?

Thomas: Y-yeah?

Mumbo: Uh...you do know Scott scottish accent is not really that strong right?

Scott?: ... Frick... Well, I knew it wouldn't last forever.

Thomas: Huh!?

Grian: Hello Thomas, I just couldn't stay back while...this happened.

Pearl: G! You cunt! You didn't tell us you were here!

Grian: Sorry, sorry, just wanted to keep the surprise a surprise.

Mumbo: Grian!? You are here!

Grian: Sure thing Mumbo.

Thomas: How did I not-

Grian: What can I say? I'm a looper, I'm really good at lying. Now, I have a few ideas to fix these issues.

Thomas: Ok, ok this is fine Scott I need some ideas for the video-

Scott: Already on it! Are you-

Scar: Have you ever tought about tasting human flesh? I heard and totally have no experience with it that it tastes like pig.

Thomas: What!? No!

Pearl: Scar!?! Grian, did you know about him being here too!?

Grian: Yep, sure thing.

Pearl: And you didn't say anything.

Grian: Funnier this way.

Scar: Ok, ok, what if you stole a bone from a grave and sold it to one of their family members!

Thomas: Nooo!

Scar: Hm...

Scott: Got anything else?

Scar: ... Uh...murder?

Thomas: Not happening.

Loop #387

Jimmy had known about this type of loop from Grian, still waking up with healing powers and stuck in a tower was a lot. Still Grian said he just needed to reach the castle, reunite with this loop's version of his parents and get mother gothel apprehended. Which he did, in record time he might add which meant he was surprised when the loop didn't finish immediately when Grian said it would. It lasted a while more actually, he even got a special guard-

Jimmy: Pearl!?

Pearl: Jimmy!?! Of course you are taking Rapunzel's place.

Jimmy: You are my guard now?

Pearl: Yeah, It's my sworn duty to protect you.

Jimmy: So... why did the loop not end?

Pearl: This is the extended version of the loop mate.

Jimmy: Oh. Oh! Ohhhh.

Pearl: ...

Jimmy: I don't know anything about it.

Pearl: Oh right, well... follow my lead, mate and you'll be good.

Jimmy: Ok!

Jimmy: That's...different from the healing incantation.

Pearl: Yeah, don't read it.

Jimmy: What why not?

Pearl: It's not going to be good.

Jimmy: Well now I want to read it!

Pearl: Jimmy no-

Jimmy: Wither and decay... see nothing bad.

Pearl: Don't the words not make you think about it!?!

Jimmy: Hmm... End this destiny... no! Break these earthly chains and set the spirit free.

Pearl: Ok then, I'm just going to wait here to tell you I told you so.

Jimmy: Nothing is happening. Wither and decay, end this destiny. Break these earthly chains and set the spirit free.

Pearl: Guess It's happening.

Jimmy: Wither and decay, end this destiny. Break these earthly chains and set the spirit free. Wither and decay, end this destiny. Break these earthly chains and set the spirit free.

Pearl: ...fuck.

Jimmy: The moonstone? It's pretty.

Pearl: Yeah.

Jimmy: So do I just grab it?

Pearl: About that, plans have changed.

Jimmy: Uh?

Pearl: Listen, I'm the PearleascentMOON, I have a bit of a thing going on.

Jimmy: Don't -

And then light enveloped the room.

Jimmy: I can't believe you tricked me for the bit!

Pearl: Oh C'mon, it was funny.

Jimmy: ... Power of the sun, gift me with your light-

Pearl: And that's my cue to go.

Loop #393

Jimmy: Wait, why did I get Mabel's place and you Dipper!?

Pearl: You tell me mate.

Jimmy: You know what? I don't care. This is going to be great anyway.

Pearl: You do know what happens in gravity fall, right?

Jimmy: Not really! Just the basics!

Pearl: ... Right. Don't get your hopes up too high.

Jimmy: Wait, what happens!?

Pearl: ...

Jimmy: I hate gnomes.

Pearl: Big L.

Jimmy: Not even king! Queen! They tried to make me wear a dress!

Pearl: Nothing wrong with a dress.

Jimmy: There is when I'm forced into it by small creepy men.

Jimmy: How do people deal with so much...this!?!

Pearl: Probably used to it, they live here. It would be weirder if they didn't.

Jimmy: I- I guess!? You know what, I'm going to make more sweaters.

Jimmy: Oh, we can't just leave Pacifica there all alone.

Pearl: But she's a-

Jimmy: You said she gets better though.

Pearl: ... Yeah but-

Jimmy: Pacifica! Do you want a ride?

Gideon: EGASSEM SDRAWKCAB EGASSEM SDRAWKCAB EGASSEM SDRAWKCAB!

Grian: Oh It's nice to be here! You must be Gideon then?

Gideon: What are- How do you know my name?

Grian: Oh, I know lots of things. Lots of things.

Jimmy: Grian!?!

Grian: Hey there Timmy, I told Pearl this would happen eventually.

Jimmy: Why are you talking to me?

Grian: Well, it is near the time when the puppet show happens, you just didn't make them.

Jimmy: ...What?

Grian: Doesn't matter, at this point Bill would posses Dipper but I don't really want to posses Pearl, a bit unconfortable for me.

Jimmy: I'm not letting you posses me G.

Grian: Oh C'mon, it would be funny!

Jimmy: Why do even want to?

Grian: The nightmare realm is just so boooring. I promise I won't embarass you.

Jimmy: ...I want control at least 75% of the time.

Grian: no way, 50%.

Jimmy: 70%.

Grian: ... 60%.

Jimmy: ... Fine.

Grian: It's a deal then?

Jimmy: Yes.

Pearl: Grian you-

Grian: What? I didn't do anything!

Pearl: You caused Weirdmageddon!?!

Grian: Oh come on, It's so much tamer then canon, i'd call it Tamemageddon even.

Pearl: Grian.

Grian: I even turned infinte respawns AND keep inventory on.

Pearl: Grian.

Grian: Look at Timmy, he's having a blast! Aaaand I know for sure someone wants to pratice using the moonstone and chaos magic together.

Pearl: ...

Grian: I'm not going to hurt anyone Pearl, this is all innocent fun.

Pearl: ... Fine.

Prev Next First

[lixies-favorite-cookie]

𝐜𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬

this is just for organization purposes and to spark any excitement if you would like to be tagged in any of these feel free to comment or send me an inbox message!! also if the project is anything below 50% its a lot more likely some part of it will be changed

-> current project

𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐚 ◦ l.f + b.c

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐬・angst, fluff, romance, an emotional rollercoaster...

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬・no cheating dw, love triangle ig?...

𝐚/𝐧・I have been working on this on and off since june and I finally decided to finish it, this has been through some major construction since I first wrote it (I literally almost gagged trying to reread the og I'm so embarrassed that's even on the internet)...

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐬・outlining and writing

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬・20%

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 ・You have always channeled your dreams through the tip of a pen existing in between the pages of your poetry; the love you longed for was only ever found in fiction, that is until Felix inadvertently starts checking off all your boxes. What are you going to do when you realize you are caught between the stars and the sea, trying to fan a flickering flame long sputtered out and control a newfound passion you have only ever put on paper? How will your relationship with Chan survive? How will you quell the urge to collapse into Felix's arms? Love was always a gamble, and right now you didn't really like your odds.

or

Taking a trip to Australia with your boyfriend and his best friend wasn't in your bingo card, but when Chan begins to drive himself mad with writers block it becomes your reality. In the middle of a foreign content you begin to feel lonely with Chan nose deep into a lyric notebook, but Felix doesn't let you feel like that for long. What are you going to do when he starts checking off all of your boxes, helping you unfurl the magic of his home country through the lenses of a camera?

-> current project

𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫・h.j

— for months you have dealt with constant intrusive thoughts, wondering what life was like before your head was swarmed with anxiety—until one day, you wake up and it isn't your OCD that you remember—it's hyunjin.

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠・hyunjin x gn!reader // 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐬・hurt and comfort, established relationships, one sided angst, me trauma dumping, tooth-rotting fluff // 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬・reader with OCD, could be read as any sort of obsessions + compulsions but focuses on the obsession of time and the thought that this state of mind will never change...

𝐚/𝐧・this kind of really sucks, but i decided to throw away my perfectionism for a little bit and just pour my soul out instead. I've recently been dealing with some serious OCD symptoms and I am trying to get a phycologist to help me navigate these symptoms and get diagnosed, but I thought of this today what it would be like to not wake up and immediately remember my anxiety and my obsessions...then started sobbing :D then hopped on my computer and wrote through the tears haha.

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐬・writing

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬・80%

-> current project

𝐫𝐞𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐬 ◦ l.f

— summary still in progress but its about hot body guard Felix helping you solve murder :D

pairing・bodyguard!felix x mafia princess!reader genres mafia!au, bodyguard!au, enemies to lovers, forbidden love, slow burn, found family, mystery!au, hurt and comfort, two broken people healing each other in more ways than one, my terrible attempts at trying to write bantar (tell me what you think?), a lot of dancing (hehe)... warnings・getting knocked out, fights, knives, guns, blood, kidnapping, use of date rape drugs (no rape...you'll understand later), drunkenness (I've never been drunk), you are like low-key an alcoholic lmaoo,... disclaimer: in reality, the mafia is inherently evil, their entire existence revolves around organized crime, which includes, but is not limited to: murder, sex trafficking, kidnapping, theft, etc. this entire story is a work of FICTION and is by NO means a reflection of stray kids or reality at all so please keep that in mind while reading.thank you.

a/n・I struggled so much trying to write this fic. I certainly couldn't have done it without the lovely @jeonginsleftcheek who was my biggest supporter from the very beginning and all the way through when I had a mental breakdown, an existential crisis, a small writing hiatus, changed the plot, then changed it back, then changed it again, and changed it again but she helped me through it all. I truly cannot thank you enough for all your help. I hope I did it justice.

𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐬・outlining

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬・20%

-> current project

⋆.˚ ☁︎ TEENAGE DREAM ☁︎︎ ⋆.˚

—sometimes at eighteen, young love is anything but a teenage dream.

genres・fluff // young love // awkward confessions //meet cutes. summary・love is embarrassing, especially when you're in high school. from the cozy coffee shop to the local campus, eight boys stumble through the awkward world of crushes—trying, and failing to confess to you. taglist・@its-stayville-forever, @aris078, @emilywjinnie

a/n・I haven't been on here for a little while, but I wanted to do something silly and fun to celebrate 500 amazing followers! All of these ideas are still in the works, so the plots may change, but I'm having so much fun writing them. I get hit with a pang of nostalgia every once in a while, remembering my very first fanfiction, haha. If you want to be tagged in any of these, just comment down below or send me an ask—and always remember to support your content creators; it means the world to us!!

☁︎︎ COFFEE CUP ☁︎︎

BANG CHAN loved being a barista; not only did he get exceptional employee discounts but it was peaceful—he handed people their coffee, they said thank you and walked away—nobody ever bothered him. that is, until one night, ten minutes before closing, you walked in with your bright smile and garrulous chit-chat. It only took you one sentence to have him hooked, eagerly waiting for your next late-night visit. what is bang chan going to do when he finally works up the nerve to write his number on the sleeve of your coffee cup, only for you to toss it away without ever seeing it?(coming to your shelves December 10th)

☁︎︎ ROSE ☁︎︎

LEE KNOW was famous for being the star quarterback turned heartless bachelor—or so everybody thought. nobody could have guessed that the reason minho chased every woman away was because, hidden 60 miles from home, there was the animal shelter where he volunteered. the reason he drove an hour every day to nurture abused pets? you. what is minho going to do when, no matter how many roses he gives you, you just can’t take the hint? (coming to your shelves soon...)

☁︎︎ MOTORCYCLE ☁︎︎

︎SEO CHANGBIN. there’s nothing he loves more than his motorcycle—well, that’s not entirely true. he probably loves you more, but his motorcycle is certainly a close second. with prom looming, changbin finally gathers enough courage to ask out his long-time crush and childhood best friend. what is changbin going to do when, halfway through, he chickens out—and, in a panic, ends up ramming his motorcycle into your mailbox while trying to back out of your driveway?(coming to your shelves soon...)

☁︎︎ MY MUSE ☁︎︎

HWANG HYUNJIN has been in love with you for about as long as he’s understood the word love; stuck in the seat beside you since elementary school, hyunjin grew to adore the soft curves of your features. one day, in the middle of art class, he's struck with the urge to draw you. overcome with the fear of never getting the chance to tell you how he feels, hyunjin stuffs the picture in your locker. what is hyunjin going to do when he overhears you talking to your friends about the drawing—and you mention his enemy's name, and not his? (coming to your shelves soon...)︎︎

☁︎︎ LYRIC BOOK ☁

HAN JISUNG is dedicated to securing the top spot in his songwriting class, and nothing is going to stand in his way. that was, until three years ago, when you walked through the door, head held high, speaking of your goals as if they were already part of the present. jisung never thought there would be any competition—until there was. now, he doesn’t know whether to write songs about his overwhelming hatred or his overwhelming ardor. what is jisung going to do when, one day, you’re paired with him for a project, and you discover all the love songs he’s written about you?(coming to your shelves soon...)

☁︎︎ SUGAR AND SPICE ☁︎︎

LEE FELIX, the school's sunshine, the universe’s fallen star—nothing was going to get him down. well, except for you. no matter how hard he tries, felix just can’t form a sentence around you; his tongue twisting into sailor’s knots whenever you look his way.what is felix going to do when he tries to confess through a cake, baked fresh in the culinary class you share, but trips over his shoelaces and smears the cake all over your shirt instead?(coming to your shelves soon...)

☁︎︎ BASEBALL ☁

KIM SEUNGMIN worked with a focus nobody else seemed to reciprocate, constantly practicing to be the best pitcher this world has ever seen. his teammates respected him, his coach loved him, and the school only ever saw his poised manners—not the awkward teenager he really was. that is, until he meets you—equally shy and almost as painfully awkward, studying on the bleachers every day after school. there's something about your concentration, the self- assured direction you set for yourself, that makes him want you even more. what is he going to do when, one day after practice, he scrawls his number on a ball and chucks it toward you? and for once, the ball doesn’t go where he aimed. instead of landing in your lap, he nails you right in the forehead.(coming to your shelves soon...)

☁︎︎ THE BOOK WAS BETTER ☁︎︎

YANG JEONGIN lived in the library. on the days when he wasn’t cramming for an exam, he was relaxing with a good book. the library had always been peaceful for him—a sanctuary that students rarely ever touched. that is, until one random morning, he sees you walk in—captain of the cheerleading squad, with your tiny skirt and sparkly eyelids, jeongin almost expects you to laugh at him and his pathetic seating arrangement—all alone. but then, checking to see if anyone’s watching, you pull a book from the shelf, and begin to read it. that's how it started—now, every day during lunch, you come and read your book, safe in the shadows, creating a home nobody else knew about. what is he going to do when he starts falling for you, through the notes he slips into your book after you leave? And what will happen when the wrong girl comes in and tries to take the book?(coming to your shelves soon...)

Plus a lot of other blurbs and ideas I have that I haven't really developed :D

[master-jarrus]

Some headcanons that are mostly definitely influenced by my pregnancy and birth of my son along with some other people's stories

Lloyd's elf ears folded over and looked puppy doggish (my son's do this. It's so freaking cute I kind of hope he never grows out of it)

Misako had a lot of troubles nursing due to her age and Lloyd was tongue tied (there is a bit of skin that attaches your tongue to the bottom of your mouth. Tongue tied is when it impedes the tongue's movement. It can cause issues with nursing and speech. My son has slight issues with latching because of this and three other factors but we are getting the hang of it)

Wu had to escort Garmadon out of the room when Misako was in labour because he got too agitated over the fact that he couldn't make it better (my husband didn't get sent out until after our son was born. They used the baby to distract him)

Misako had postpartum depression and having Lloyd soothed her greatly but she wouldn't hold him out of anxiety (my mom went through this with me and my youngest sister. I'm very fortunate that the most I have had is feeling off and the occasional intrusive thought that makes me check him for bugs I know aren't there)

Lloyd would eat so much and make himself sick from eating so quickly (my son just downed what I'm guesstimating based off pumping and stuff to be 6 ozs. That's almost a full cup and he's only a week old)

Lloyd had dark hair at birth and got lighter as he grew (we thought my baby sister was going to be a brunette and now she's blonde)

His eyes changed color and were actually brown when he was born but became red. This gave Garmadon severe anxiety. They turned green with his true potential. Misako lamented over the loss of his red eyes. (baby's eyes can change colors my sibling had violet eyes but now she has blue with a little bit of green)

Misako had a lot of miscarriages before Lloyd

Her pregnancy with Lloyd was rough and Garmadon tried to talk her into an abortion out of fear she wouldn't make it. It caused a really bad fight and she cried to which he immediately apologized and admitted he was scared of losing her (my husband never suggested it but he now understands why I'm prochoice and is still considering a vasectomy)

Garmadon hovered over Lloyd and Misako and it got on her nerves. She felt like he didn't believe she was capable of taking of Lloyd and it worsened her depression

Garmadon kept having intrusive thoughts and it made him paranoid about bugs, germs, and people so he hovered over Misako and Lloyd because it was the closest he could do to bubble wrapping them

Misako's mother (who is apparently implied to be alive in at least the first season???? She sent Lloyd candy when he was at Darkly's) kept trying to help but she would just take Lloyd and correct every little thing Misako did with him that she didn't approve of

Lloyd would grab at his dried umbilical cord before it fell out and they were worried he was going to pull it out early (it's supposed to fall out naturally. It's not the end of the world if comes out early you just have to be hyper vigilant for signs of infection since it goes straight to there stomachs)

As a broad thing I don't think circumcision is much of a thing in Ninjago since they probably don't have Judaism considering the First Spinjitzu Master. So I don't think any of the guys are circumcised and I feel like if any of them were to be it would be Jay. Idk he feels the most likely to be Jewish or raised with those kinds of traditions to me

[lu-lus-dicks]

You all need sleep and I may not be the best sleeper but here's some tips. these especially go out to @xxx-angie @nunalastor and @the-aprilfools-bitch . I will be in your closets making sure you all get good sleep >:(

rest your eyes from tv and phone. Just blue light in general. instead you could listen to music or podcasts. those are much better.

try sleeping between 2-4 PM at the latest (which means either that or EARLIER). your body produces the most melatonin (the thing you need to sleep) at those times. It will be much harder to fall asleep later than that

Take a warm bath or shower. If I didn't have a bad relationship with liquids, I would be doing this all day. the warmness helps drop your body temperature and generally lower temperatures signal to the body that it's nighttime and consequently bedtime.

no coffee if you drink some, unless you got ADHD (angie). I've heard caffeine works backwards for people with ADHD

If you grew up in a home with the TV on constantly or just generally had some noise around you in your childhood whenever you went to bed, TURN ON SOME NOISE. It is what happens with me and I can't sleep without some noise.

It would be nice if your bed was only used for sleeping, but I know that's not happening lmao

midgnight snacks disturb your sleep. try to avoid those, since your body starts metabolism during nights. it doesn't need more food to process. but if you must grab a snack, it's best to choose something that's easily digestible and maybe even increases the production of melatonin. some of these are milk (obviously), bananas, nuts, eggs, tea, vegetables and such.

Don't rely too much on meds, otherwise your body will get used to it and will depend on it for you to go to sleep. Instead you could try pavlov effecting yourself with something similar that can always be available. For example, before going to sleep, perform a certain action (I used this method in school and my version was patting myself on the head or touching my cheek with the hand opposite to it). once you've done this enough times before sleep, your brain will associate that action with sleep and you'll get a little sleepy if you do it again. This takes a long time though, A month maybe I have stopped doing this, but if nothing else works this can be an option. Though this isn't perfect lulu side rant: tried to condition myself with a ring once. was really bad with doing homework on time, so everytime I was doing homework I would switch a ring I wore to my forefinger. And this was only used for that situation. I never moved my ring to my forefinger for any reason at all. Thought this would work, but the only conditional response I got was that everytime I moved that ring to my forefinger I started thinking about homework and not really doing it.

If that doesn't work, try changing your enviorment. It doesn't have to be drastic. for example: sleep backwards. lay your head where your feet usually are and your head where your feet usually are. or maybe try sleeping on the floor. I am paranoid about sleeping in other peoples houses but this is the reason I tend to fall asleep anyway

If your lack of sleep is caused by anxiety (like intrusive thoughts or thinking about the future), try listening to a mindless podcast or a youtube video. It will help distract from your thoughts and give you something to focus your mind on, plus most content these days tend to try and turn your mind off to get that sweet sweet watchtime.

If all else fails, you can try to tire your brain out I guess. that's my method for extemely bad sleepless nights. I start reading because that's the most tiring activity I can do in bed and usually I fall asleep in the middle of it.

[warnadudenexttime]

I know the actual reason behind Virgil's shift in behavior from "loving his job as anxiety and being the villain of sorts" to "I mean... this is just my job I don't wanna hurt Thomas and I hate when I do" is Thomas making Virgil more sympathetic to keep him around longer since the audience took a hold of him more then he expected

BUT what would be in the in universe reason per say for the sudden change in his demeanor towards his job and his role as Thomas' anxiety?

In his first appearance he was very confident and cocky when it came to making Thomas anxious. It feels more like, Virgil is Anxiety rather than him being anxious himself if that makes sense?

Then in Losing my motivation, something shifts. Virgil starts moving into his current viewpoint of his job, not completely yet though.

As the season progresses it def feels like Virgil is beginning to dread his role, and cares more about how he effects Thomas. I think something that I consider about Virgil's character is that from the beginning of s1 to the shift into deep s2 he becomes for me- from the literal trait of anxiety, scaring Thomas into feeling anxious to moreso a guy with anxiety that causes Thomas to be anxious by extension if that makes sense.

So I wonder, why the shift? Cause up until this point, we can assume basically from Thomas' teen years Virgil has acted the way he did in taking on anxiety but there's a sudden mix up in Thomas' late 20s where he begins to change. Can we assume that up until this point maybe he didn't interact with Thomas as much directly, like we don't know how long the sides have been interacting with Thomas directly in a physical presence (as far as I remember, correct me if I'm wrong.) So now he's seeing his effect on Thomas and dislikes it? Was it a shift in Thomas' own outlook in anxiety or morality or something?

Idk im gonna dumb, too dumb to character analyze but here we are.

Also, Virgil saying in DWIT to remus "you used to really unsettle me. I thought you were some terrible illness." which surprises me? Since anxiety and intrusive thoughts can be linked and such, so if we are going off the idea that Virgil used to enjoy his job which was making Thomas anxious- I'm surprised he wouldn't in the past see Remus in a positive light if he's just doing what he similarly did in the past-

Uh what was the point of this, uh- what are you guys' thoughts on Virgil's change in motivation? Somewhat role? Or outlook on it?

Idk I just work here, someone smarter then me figure this out- HKDJSAH /silly

[somekindofsentience]

tomorrow won't come for those without, or exploring disconnection in the procession of mental illness and trauma

SPOILER? WARNING: This analysis assumes you have played the game's noise ending at least once. I'll provide screengrabs of things where I can. I do believe it's a masterpiece of a game, and would highly recommend it.

CONTENT WARNING: Discussions and allusions to suicide, severe mental illness, grief and religious trauma/criticisms of religion.

Tomorrow won't come for those without (TWC for short) is really... confusing. To the extent where I've got a notebook with pasted cut-outs of dialogue and imagery simply to try and... understand it.

As with much of the things I write about, I don't think it's designed to be understood - etherane's work often revolves around very personal and complex depictions of mental illness, as is evident from the hello charlotte series, so this is to be expected.

I want to discuss Rem, celestials and the Dithyrambs in this, saving conversations of Mari and the Choir for when I better understand it.

Rem is not human, he's a celestial - this is revealed in the noise ending, where he melts into his true form. We can also determine what type of celestial Rem is, from the way his form manifests.

Domain: Shadow; The Eldest. Distorts continuity, converting affected areas into liminal spaces.

Now, at first, I spent much of my time trying to associate these cards (and as such, the Celestials) to specific mental illnesses, but I realised it didn't work. While 'Domain: Post-Truth' (Card Type 3) could be associated with PTSD and 'Domain: Thighs' (Card Type 12) could be associated with body dysmorphia, many cards do not fit a specific mental illness, and much of them instead reference dissociation or other specific symptoms. It's somewhat implied Mari had the celestial present in Card Type 12.

It makes sense for a different universe to identify mental illness in a different way, considering there's little evidence that the characters have information on "pre-humanity". Instead of our current system surrounding mental health, the Choir demonises Celestials, and attempts to 'purify' them.

One particular line during the noise ending stands out to me.

"Tell me, how do I stop the noise in my head?"

Ori is not, by any means, a stable character. That's not to say Rem is stable, but Ori is somewhat less rational, losing his mind over the Choir and his Rosary. He devotedly follows the Conductor up until the noise ending, where he loses his grip on purity and reality, wanting to stay in the 'Dark' and '...play in the forest', rejecting the suppression of creativity by the Conductor.

The Dithyrambs is the noise in Ori's head - somewhat implied to be caused by the celestial. When Ori first wakes up, the Rosary insists that he must "...find the source of the Dithyrambs," perhaps implying that the Rosary is corrupt in the same way Ori and the Choir are, although it does not state to destroy the source. This noise causes Ori a lot of pain.

Alright. That is my discussion of the actual evidence present in the game. The next section is going to be a lot of personal speculation, on what I feel the game is representing.

I compare the relationship between Ori and Rem to that of Charles and Scarlett in Hello Charlotte 3, although it is framed differently. Instead of Rem being portrayed as horrific and irrational, Rem is scared, small; humanised, distrustful.

I believe that Scarlett Eyler and Rem represent fundamentally the same thing - intrusive thoughts, anxiety and OCD. Unlike Scarlett, who is fixated on tormenting Charles, Rem's representation of this manifests toward himself, and his desire to be caged for safety.

Fundamentally, OCD is a disorder surrounding fear. As much as it feels like your brain just, absolutely fucking hates you, it's as scared as you are. In a similar way, Rem is terrified of the liminal hotel that he and Ori reside in, and he's terrified of the outside world. He responds by shutting himself away - rather than Ori's desire to reach the end of the veils, Rem begins the game locked in a bathroom, and must be coaxed out.

Rem is incredibly "human" for a nonhuman being. Humanisation of intrusive thoughts is an interesting concept, especially considering the demon Scarlett Eyler was in HC3. Rem is far more disconnected from Ori, far more skeptical of the world around them. Rem isn't there to punish, but more to question and doubt, contrasting with Ori's inherently trusting nature.

Hmm. I feel like I haven't properly explained it, but I hope it somewhat makes sense.

Despite that, this is just my own interpretation of it, and I don't feel it really aligns with the game, necessarily. It's just me. lol.

song i listened to while writing:

I enjoy playing TWC with the BGM turned down and this song playing. It makes me feel pure, like my regrets can be washed off. I suppose that's not the point of TWC LMAOO.

[sheriffaxolotl]

Fallen: A Path to Redemption (Chapter 3) Alastor x Reader

"Solace, you say? Well, my dear fallen friend, in Hell, solace comes with a price."

“What kind?”

“How about... your soul, my dear.”

Word count: 5353

✿ Friends to Lovers ✿ Slow Burn ✿ Eventual Romance

✿ Drabble | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡

As Charlie led you down the dimly lit corridor of the hotel, your nerves began to flutter in your chest like a trapped bird. While her offer of hospitality was undeniably kind, the prospect of leaving behind the familiarity of your own apartment in Hell filled you with a sense of unease you couldn't quite shake. After all, your apartment had been your sanctuary for longer than you cared to admit, a haven amidst the chaos of your day-to-day.

When you finally reached the door of the room designated for your stay, Charlie's infectious enthusiasm was impossible to ignore. Her bright smile was enough to momentarily ease your anxiety as she gestured for you to enter. "Here we are! I hope it's to your liking!"

Stepping over the threshold, however, disappointment washed over you like a wave crashing against the shore. The room was devoid of character, lacking the warmth and charm of your own living space. Despite Charlie's efforts to make it inviting, it fell short of your expectations.

"I appreciate your thoughtfulness, Charlie," You began, your voice hesitant as you struggled to find the right words. "But I think I'd feel more comfortable in my own apartment. It's just... I'm accustomed to it, you know?"

Before Charlie could respond, Alastor, ever the showman, interjected with his trademark flair, a mischievous gleam in his eyes. "Nonsense! Allow me to remedy this situation." With a snap of his fingers, the room was transformed before your eyes, your own furniture materializing right in front of you. Your bed, dresser, bookcase—every piece of your beloved belongings stood before you, a perfect replica of your own apartment.

You could feel the heat rising to your cheeks as you surveyed the scene, overwhelmed by Alastor's unexpected gesture. "Alastor, you really didn't have to go to all this trouble," You managed to stammer, your gratitude mingled with a hint of embarrassment at the intrusion into your personal life.

But deep down, despite your protests, you couldn't deny the warmth that bloomed in your chest at the sight of your familiar surroundings. It was a small gesture, but it spoke volumes about Alastor's willingness to make you feel at home in this unfamiliar environment. And for that, you couldn't help but feel a sense of gratitude, even if it came with a tinge of embarrassment.

In true Alastor fashion, he waved off your protests with a casual flick of his hand and a wide grin. "Truly – No trouble at all, my dear!" he declared, his voice filled with cheerful reassurance.

Charlie looked torn, caught between wanting to respect your wishes and knowing that ultimately, you didn't have much say in the matter. After all, Alastor owned your soul, and you was bound to serve him regardless of your personal preferences. It was a reality you had grown accustomed to over the centuries, a reminder of the bargain you had struck with him long ago.

You sighed inwardly, realizing that there was little point in arguing. Alastor had signed you up for this, and as much as you resented the loss of autonomy, there was little you could do to change it now. Besides, in the grand scheme of things, having your own furniture in the hotel room was a small comfort, a reminder of the life you had built for yourself in Hell.

With a resigned nod, you turned to Charlie, mustering a small smile. "Thank you, Charlie. I appreciate your kindness," You said softly, accepting the situation for what it was. After all, in a place like Hell, it was the small acts of kindness that kept you going.

As Alastor exited the room with his characteristic flair, Charlie's warm demeanor enveloped you like a protective embrace. Her eyes sparkled with genuine interest and a hint of curiosity as she turned to you. "Let's get you settled in, shall we?" she suggested, her tone inviting and reassuring, offering a glimmer of comfort in the unfamiliar setting you have been put into.

Charlie’s smile was infectious, and you found yourself mirroring it, appreciative of her warmth amidst the uncertainty that surrounded you. With Charlie's help, you both delved into the task of unpacking your belongings, turning the hotel room into a semblance of familiarity. Side by side, you found that Charlie's warm presence offered a sense of comfort, her genuine curiosity evident in the way she eagerly engaged you in conversation. With each exchanged word, she sought to unravel the enigma of your connection to Alastor, her inquiries veiled in a delicate balance of curiosity and respect.

"So, how long have you been working for Alastor?" she asked, her voice filled with curiosity and sincerity.

You paused, considering how much to reveal. Charlie was kind-hearted and well-meaning, but you weren't sure how much she knew about Alastor's true nature. "Centuries," You replied cryptically, deciding to keep the details vague for now.

Charlie nodded understandingly, though you could tell she was curious for more information. "He's quite the character, isn't he?" she remarked with a chuckle, her eyes glancing towards the door through which Alastor had exited.

You couldn't help but laugh at her understatement. "That's one way to put it," You agreed, remembering the countless times Alastor had surprised you with his antics and enigmatic nature. "Alastor has a way of keeping things interesting, that's for sure."

Charlie's eyes sparkled with curiosity as she leaned in slightly, as if eager to hear more about your experiences with the Radio Demon. "Oh, do tell," she encouraged, her voice filled with genuine interest.

You hesitated, unsure of how much to reveal about your complicated history with Alastor. "Well, let's just say he has a knack for surprises," You replied cryptically, deciding to keep the details vague for now.

Charlie nodded, though you could tell she was eager for more information. "I can only imagine," she remarked with a bit of a disappointed smile.

As you continued unpacking, you couldn't shake the feeling that Charlie was probing for more information about your relationship with Alastor. While you appreciated her curiosity, some secrets were best left buried, especially in Hell. Nonetheless, you were grateful for her friendly demeanor and genuine interest in getting to know you better.

As you both finished unpacking, Charlie glanced around the room with a satisfied smile. "There, all done," she announced cheerfully. "I hope you find everything to your liking."

You nodded appreciatively, though a small part of you still felt hesitant despite Charlie's warmth. Trusting others had always been a challenge for you, but in this moment, her genuine kindness made it a bit easier to let your guard down.

"Thank you, Charlie," You said sincerely, offering her a grateful smile. "I really appreciate your help."

Charlie returned your smile, her eyes twinkling with kindness. "Of course, anytime," she replied warmly. "If you need anything else, don't hesitate to ask."

With that, Charlie bid you farewell, leaving you to settle into your new surroundings. As you unpacked the last few personal items, you couldn't help but feel a sense of gratitude for Charlie's hospitality and the opportunity to start afresh again in Hell.

As you sat alone in the room, the events of the day replayed in your mind like scenes from a vivid dream. Alastor's sudden appearance and his effortless manipulation of your belongings had stirred up a storm of conflicting emotions within you. On one hand, you were grateful for his assistance, but on the other, You couldn't shake the feeling of being manipulated, of being at the mercy of forces beyond your control.

As you ponder these thoughts, a sense of vulnerability washes over you, leaving you feeling exposed and uncertain in this unfamiliar environment. The room, a sanctuary of familiarity a moment ago, now felt like a battleground of emotions, each conflicting feeling warring for dominance within you.

With a heavy sigh, you pushed aside the thoughts swirling in your mind, reminding yourself that in Hell, trust was a luxury few could afford. But deep down, a flicker of hope remained, a glimmer of possibility that perhaps, amidst the chaos and uncertainty, there was still room for genuine connection and kindness.

With another heavy sigh, you decided to retreat to the comforting embrace of the bed, its soft mattress offering a temporary reprieve from the whirlwind of emotions swirling within you. As you lay there, staring up at the ceiling, you couldn't help but feel the weight of the day's events pressing down on you like a suffocating blanket.

The room was silent, save for the distant echoes of laughter and conversation drifting in from the corridors of the hotel. The dim light filtering through the curtains cast dancing shadows across the room, your eyes following them as they grew heavier by the second. As you lay there, the softness of the mattress beneath you beckoning you into its embrace, you felt the weight of the day begin to lift.

Closing your eyes, you allowed yourself to sink into the warmth of the bed, the rhythmic rise and fall of your chest matching the steady rhythm of your breath. In the silence of the room, the echoes of the day's events slowly began to fade, replaced by the gentle hum of tranquillity that enveloped you like a cocoon.

With each passing moment, the lines between wakefulness and slumber blurred, the edges of consciousness softening as sleep beckoned you into its embrace. And as the darkness of sleep swept over you, carrying you away on its gentle currents, you surrendered to its embrace, grateful for the respite it offered from the turmoil of the day.

The following morning arrived with a soft, golden glow seeping through the curtains, gently nudging you awake from the depths of slumber. Blinking away the remnants of sleep, you found yourself disoriented, the unfamiliar surroundings of the hotel room a stark contrast to the comfort of your own apartment.

With a groan, you shifted in the bed, the soft sheets clinging to your body as if reluctant to release you from their grasp. Glancing down, you grimaced at the realization that you had fallen asleep in the same clothes you had worn the day before. It was a small inconvenience, but it added to the disorientation of waking up in a new place.

Reluctantly, you pushed yourself upright, the mattress protesting softly beneath your weight as you swung your legs over the side of the bed. Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you rose to your feet and made your way across the room toward the door that Charlie had pointed out as the bathroom.

Stepping inside, you took a moment to survey your surroundings. The bathroom was spacious, far larger than the cramped quarters of your own apartment. The pristine white tiles gleamed in the soft light, casting a warm glow over the room. A sense of luxury emanated from every corner, from the sleek countertops to the gleaming fixtures.

You began to peel off the clothes you had slept in, their fabric clinging uncomfortably to your skin. With each garment removed, you felt a sense of liberation, as if shedding the weight of the previous day's turmoil along with your clothing.

With a sigh of relief, you stepped into the spacious shower, allowing the warm water to cascade over your weary body. It was a welcome respite from the chaos of the previous day, a moment of tranquillity amidst the storm of uncertainty that surrounded you.

As the steam enveloped you in its comforting embrace, you couldn't help but luxuriate in the sensation of the water washing away the tension that had settled in your muscles. With each drop that fell, you felt yourself relax a little more, the knots of anxiety slowly unraveling beneath the gentle caress of the shower.

Taking your time, you reached for the shampoo and lathered it into your hair, massaging your scalp with slow, deliberate motions. The scent of lavender filled the air, soothing your frayed nerves and calming your racing thoughts. It was a small indulgence, but in that moment, it felt like a luxury you had been denied for far too long.

Next, you turned your attention to your body, allowing the soap to glide across your skin in long, sweeping motions. The gentle hum of the water provided a soothing backdrop as you washed away the grime of the previous day, reveling in the simple pleasure of cleanliness.

With your body feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, you turned your attention to your wings, careful not to neglect them in your grooming routine. With practiced ease, you spread them wide, allowing the warm air of the shower to penetrate their delicate feathers. It was a sensation unlike any other, the soft flutter of the air against your wings sending a shiver of pleasure down your spine.

Stepping out of the shower, you reached for the plush towel hanging nearby, relishing the softness of the fabric against your skin. As you dried yourself off, you couldn't help but hum a small tune under your breath, the melody a testament to the newfound sense of peace that had settled within you.

Glancing around the bathroom, your eyes landed on the unfamiliar hair dryer sitting on the countertop. With a smile, you reached for it, grateful for the opportunity to dry off the last of the water from your hair and wings. It was a small gesture, but in that moment, it felt like a gesture of welcome from the hotel itself, a silent acknowledgment of your presence in this strange and unfamiliar place.

With your face freshly washed and teeth brushed, you emerged from the bathroom, feeling rejuvenated and ready to face the day ahead. The room, once a temporary refuge, now felt more like home, its familiar surroundings offering a sense of comfort amidst the chaos that is your life.

As you perused the selection of clothes you had brought with you, your gaze settled on a crisp white button-up shirt, a pair of tailored dress pants, and a sleek black vest. It was a classic ensemble, one that never failed to make you feel confident and put together.

You paused momentarily as you reached for the binder that lay atop the dresser, its presence a constant reminder of the wings hidden beneath your clothing. With a sigh, you fastened the binder around your chest, the pressure a necessary discomfort to keep your wings concealed from prying eyes.

Over the years, your wings had gradually diminished in size, their once majestic span now reduced to mere remnants of their former glory. Perhaps it was the weight of your sins or the relentless torment of Hell that had caused them to wither away, but regardless of the reason, they served as a constant reminder of the life you had left behind.

Once your wings were securely bound, you slipped into the shirt, relishing the sensation of the smooth fabric against your skin. The sleeves were a perfect fit, the cuffs falling just right over your wrists. Next came the dress pants and vest, the familiar routine bringing a sense of normalcy to the morning ritual. With each garment donned, you felt a little more like yourself, the layers of clothing offering you comfort.

Finally, you sat down on the edge of the bed, the leather of your dress shoes gleaming in the soft light of the room. With a practiced hand, you laced up the shoes, the familiar motions soothing in their repetition.

You stood before the mirror, your reflection staring back at you with a mix of familiarity and uncertainty. With a small sigh, You smoothed down the fabric of your vest, adjusting the collar of your shirt. You couldn't help but indulge in a moment of vanity, spinning around in a small twirl for your own amusement.

As you came to a stop, your gaze drifted down to the watch on your wrist, its hands ticking steadily towards the start of another day in Hell.

7:50 am.

Yesterday, this would have been the time you’ll be bustling around the kitchen of your apartment, preparing a cup of coffee and a quick breakfast to fuel you for the day ahead. But here, in the unfamiliar surroundings of the Hotel, you were faced with the daunting task of reintroducing yourself to the kitchen.

The memory of last night brought a small smile to your lips, the warmth of camaraderie and laughter still lingering in your mind. Despite your initial discomfort, you couldn't deny that there was something undeniably comforting about being surrounded by such lively company.

Stepping out of your room, you descended the stairs to the first level of the hotel, the echoes of your footsteps reverberating through the empty corridor. Despite the grandeur of the Hotel, navigating its labyrinthine halls proved to be a challenge, and you couldn't help but feel a twinge of frustration as you found yourself turned around once again.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity of wandering, you stumbled upon the entrance to the kitchen, a wave of relief washing over you as you stepped inside. You set about your morning routine, the familiar tasks of making coffee and preparing breakfast grounding you in the present moment. You rummaged through the pantry in search of a loaf of bread, your fingers trailing over the shelves until you finally found what you were looking for.

But the toaster proved to be more elusive, hiding away in some forgotten corner of the kitchen. With a sigh, you embarked on a mission to locate the elusive appliance, determined not to let it thwart your efforts to enjoy a proper breakfast.

After what felt like an eternity of searching, you finally unearthed the toaster from its hiding spot behind a stack of pots and pans. As you wait for the coffee to finish brewing and the toast to brown, you let out a sigh of contentment, the tension of the morning melting away with each passing moment. It was a rare luxury to have no idea what the day had in store for you, to be free from the constraints of routine and obligation.

With your plate and mug in hand, you made your way to the dining room table, sinking into the chair with a sense of satisfaction. As you savor each bite of toast and sip of coffee, you lose track of time scrolling on your phone.

The tranquillity of the morning was shattered by a sudden crash that jolted you out of your mindless scrolling. With a sigh, you set down your mug and followed the sound, your curiosity piqued by the source of the disturbance.< /p>

As you rounded the corner, you found yourself face to face with Husk, his head slumped on the bar counter as he snored softly. A small smile tugged at the corners of your lips at the sight of the sleeping demon, his usual gruff demeanor softened by the vulnerability of sleep. You couldn't help but marvel at the fact that the noise hadn't stirred him from his slumber.

But your amusement was short-lived as you noticed the broken glass scattered on the floor, evidence of the disturbance that had disrupted the quiet of the morning. With a sense of resignation, you retrieved a broom and dustpan from a nearby closet, intent on cleaning up the mess before it became a hazard.

Careful not to disturb Husk's slumber, you began to sweep up the shards of glass, the rhythmic swish of the broom against the floor a soothing counterpoint to the chaos of the moment. Halfway through the task, you were interrupted by the sound of Husk's grumbling voice, his eyes squinting as he blinked away the remnants of sleep.

"What the shit are you doin'?" he mumbled, his gaze shifting from you to the broom and dustpan in your hands, then to the broken glass on the floor.

Suppressing a laugh at his disheveled appearance, you offered him a sheepish smile. "Just cleaning up a little mess," You replied casually, gesturing to the broken bottle on the floor. "Didn't mean to wake you."

With a concerned furrow of your brow, you couldn't help but comment on Husk's less-than-ideal sleeping position. "Isn't it uncomfortable sleeping like that?" You questioned, your tone laced with genuine concern. "I have to admit, you look awful."

Husk's response was predictably nonchalant, a mere grunt escaping his lips as he half-heartedly acknowledged your remark. He leaned back from the bar to stretch, his movements sluggish and weighed down by the remnants of sleep. "Eh," was all he offered before rubbing the sleep from his eyes with a tired sigh. "At least you look like you slept well enough for the both of us."

"Well, that's what happens when you sleep in a bed," You retorted with a teasing smirk, emptying the glass into the bin behind the bar. "Obviously that habit isn't going anywhere soon?" You couldn't help but add, shooting him a judgmental glance as he reached for another bottle at the bar.

"Piece of advice, little lady," Husk began, his tone surprisingly serious as he pulled the bottle away from his lips. "The best way to beat a hangover is to keep drinking," he declared before taking another swig from the bottle, his eyes glinting mischievously.

The suggestion caused you to grimace involuntarily, shaking your head in disapproval. With a dismissive wave, you turned away from Husk and headed back to your coffee, only for it to be gone, much to your dismay.

You then notice Niffty running around, chasing what looks like a bug. “You shouldn’t leave such a mess behind, (Y/N)!” Amidst the chaos of Niffty's playful antics, her voice pierced through the lively atmosphere, chastising you for the mess you had left behind – your unfinished breakfast. Niffty's scolding only added to your frustration, her words a stark reminder of your oversight.

Taking a deep breath to quell the rising irritation, you pushed back the urge to snap in response. 'Stay calm,' you reminded yourself silently. 'It's not worth getting worked up over.'

With reluctant determination, you turned back toward the kitchen, hoping to rectify the situation with a fresh start. However, your hopes were swiftly dashed as you laid eyes on the coffee machine. The once-pristine appliance now bore the telltale signs of neglect, its surface marred by scattered coffee grounds and spilled espresso. The milk steamer, once gleaming, now appeared to be encrusted with dried milk, a testament to its recent use and subsequent neglect. And standing nearby, leaning casually against the counter, was Angel, his presence exuding an air of nonchalance.

"Morning, tots," he greeted you with a lackluster wave, his eyes lingering on you with a hint of judgment. The intensity of his scrutiny sent a ripple of self-consciousness through you, prompting an involuntary shift in your stance as you struggled to maintain your composure.

With a tense smile, you offered a tentative nod in response, your fingers twitching nervously at your sides. The weight of Angel's gaze felt heavy upon you, casting a shadow of doubt over your every move.

"Good morning, Angel," You replied, mustering a small wave of your own, attempting to mask the unease bubbling beneath the surface. 'Maybe he'll clean up after himself,' You thought optimistically, a faint glimmer of hope flickering in the back of your mind.

However, your hopes were swiftly dashed as Angel straightened up and sauntered out of the kitchen without a second glance. Disappointment washed over you, mingling with a growing sense of annoyance.

With a frustrated huff, you seized a cloth and set to work, methodically wiping down the counter and tackling the stubborn remnants of spilled coffee and dried milk. Each swipe of the cloth was fuelled by a mix of irritation and determination, a silent vow to restore order to the chaos that had unfolded in the kitchen.

As you meticulously cleaned every surface, a sense of satisfaction washed over you with each spotless section. Finally, with a small smile of accomplishment, you surveyed your handiwork, admiring the gleaming countertops and pristine coffee machine.

Clean. Orderly. Good.

As you reached for a new mug, the kitchen suddenly became a hive of activity as Charlie burst in, radiating her usual positivity, with Vaggie trailing behind, looking a bit groggy. Their contrasting energies collided in the space, momentarily overwhelming your senses.

"Morning, (Y/N)!" Charlie greeted you with her trademark bright smile, her movements fluid as she glided across the kitchen. Vaggie offered a nod in your direction, her expression reflecting her morning weariness.

Your spirits sank further as you watched Charlie effortlessly use the mugs labeled 'C' and 'V,' resigning yourself to the fact that your morning routine was once again being disrupted. With a sigh, you stood there with the mug in your hand, feeling a sense of defeat wash over you.

Vaggie, ever perceptive, caught onto your struggle, and without a word, she held out her hand for the mug. You hesitated for a moment before handing it over, managing a small smile at the gesture. Sometimes, it was the little victories that made all the difference.

Charlie's question about your sleep broke through your fog of exhaustion, her energy levels seemingly boundless even at this early hour. "How did you sleep?" she asked, her voice filled with a bit too much energy for your still-groggy morning state.

"Yeah, I slept well, thank you. What about the both of you?" You asked, trying to mask your slight discomfort with a polite tone. Conversing with others, especially so early in the morning, wasn't exactly your forte. After all, spending most of your time alone and communicating through a microphone had become your norm.

As the conversation unfolded, we found ourselves engaged in a pleasant exchange, standing around the kitchen with steaming mugs of coffee in hand. Each sip seemed to punctuate the pauses between our words, creating a rhythm of its own.

"So, any other jobs besides paperwork I should be thinking of?" You inquired, breaking the brief lull in conversation. You observed Charlie's lips parting to respond when suddenly, a static-like voice interrupted, slicing through the air with an unexpected intrusion.

"Well, well! What do we have here? Morning meetings?" Alastor's voice cut through the air with his usual flair as he entered the kitchen, his presence commanding attention. He looked just as polished as he did the day before, not a single hair out of place. You watched as Charlie began to respond, but you found yourself tuning out her words as your gaze lingered on Alastor. There was something about his demeanor that struck you as different today, something more serious and focused than usual. It left you wondering what had prompted this sudden change.

"Then I guess I better show her, hmm?" Alastor's voice snapped you back to the conversation, his piercing gaze meeting mine. You blinked, caught off guard by the sudden attention directed your way.

"Sorry, what now?" You asked, your tone slightly abrupt as you perked up at the mention of something concerning you.

"Showing you your office, my dear," Alastor clarified, bringing you up to speed with the conversation that had unfolded in your momentary distraction. 'Oh... OH! You get an office?! Neat!' You thought to yourself, a spark of excitement igniting within you at the prospect.

Placing your empty mug into the sink, you followed after the overlord, trailing behind him as your eyes scanned over his back. Despite the anticipation of seeing your new workspace, your thoughts couldn't help but wander back to Alastor's sudden change in demeanor. Where had he been all this time again? The question lingered in the back of your mind, a nagging curiosity that threatened to consume you if left unanswered.

Before you could muster the courage to speak, Alastor's attention was diverted elsewhere, and he began leading you through the hotel, guiding you to your small office space.

"This will be your domain, my dear," he explained, sweeping his hand around the room in a grand gesture. "I trust you to keep track of expenses and paperwork. It's not the most glamorous task, but it's essential for keeping the hotel running smoothly."

You nodded, a small smile tugging at your lips. The idea of having your own office space was rather exciting. Back in your apartment, you had only ever used the dining room table for tasks like these. As you tried to settle into the idea of this new role, you couldn't shake the feeling of warmth and acceptance that surrounded you in the Hazbin Hotel. So far, you have been offered a room rent-free and now an office space to work in. Sure, there were a few minor hiccups, but overall, this was a nice change.

As you walked past Alastor and into the office to inspect the desk and chair, your eyes caught sight of a medium-sized box placed on your desk, adorned with a red bow. Alastor noticed the confusion evident in your furrowed brows as you studied the box.

"It's for you. A present from me – A way to give thanks for everything you did in my absences," Alastor declared, making a sweeping gesture toward you and the box. You shot him a puzzled look, wondering what he could possibly have gotten you as thanks. As you pondered this, you slid the box closer and began to unwrap it, lifting the lid with anticipation.

A gasp escaped your lips as you peered into the box. There, nestled within, was a beautiful Cathedral Radio (Atwater Kent Model 82 for reference). You traced your fingers along its edges, marveling at the exquisite craftsmanship. You had been trying to find one of these for years, but they were always out of your price range.

"Alastor – This is gorgeous," You began, intending to express your gratitude, but he cut you off before you could finish.

"Oh! Isn't it? Much better than that dreadful Voxtech radio you had in your apartment," Alastor remarked, inspecting his gloved fingers with an unmissable amount of sass.

Oh, bollocks.

You offered a strained smile as a wave of awkwardness churned in your stomach. The past drama between the TV demon and Alastor bubbled to the forefront of your mind, casting a shadow over the moment. "Well... These are really hard to find now, and not to mention expensive—"

"Which is why you need one, my dear! Nothing but the best for you, hmm?" Alastor interjected with a grin, leaning closer and placing a hand on the table. His proximity and smug expression made your heart flutter nervously. "You do like it, don't you?"

"Of course! I love it—"

"Splendid!" Alastor cut you off with a flourish, turning to leave with a self-satisfied air. As he headed for the door, you couldn't help but reach out a hand, calling after him. He paused, glancing back over his shoulder, and your eyes locked.

"Thank you. I really do love it," you said, your voice softening as you looked down at the radio. For a moment, you thought you saw a flicker of something in Alastor's eyes—a hint of warmth perhaps, or genuine satisfaction. But it was gone in an instant, replaced by his trademark grin.

"Of course. Anything for an old friend," Alastor replied with a nod, executing a gesture akin to a regal bow before departing through the door, disappearing from view. As he vanished from sight, the bubble of awkwardness in your lower belly seemed to swell, leaving you feeling unsettled. A quick flash of memory teased you, hinting at something you couldn't quite place—an emotion flickering in Alastor's eyes that didn't quite match his usual demeanor.

Shaking off the confusion, you resolved to focus on the task at hand: settling into your new role. Drawing on the years of guidance from Alastor, you set to work organizing the paperwork and expenses. Despite the lingering questions and unease, you were determined to prove yourself worthy of the responsibility he had bestowed upon you.

Anything for an old friend.

♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿ ♡ ✿

My AO3 account!

Hey everyone! Once again, a massive thank you for all your comments and kudos. Your feedback means the world to me! Just a heads up, I've decided to post new chapters every Thursday from now on. I've recently started my Masters at university, so Thursdays work best for me. See you next Thursday! -Ivory

[swhhdr-wthhr]

lots of fun facts about my sanders sides opposite au: (but i clearly have thought of some characters more than others)

logan :

introduced around the time of og accepting anxiety. represents bad decision making and willful ignorance

his first big moment was in can lying be good, which was a game show run by him instead of a play directed by janus. he didn't care whether thomas lied or not. he just wanted to give janus a morality crisis and joke around with virgil

only uses analog technology (ex: if someone asked to borrow his phone, he'd pull out a rotary phone, which works despite not being plugged in)

he's an amateur magician and loves showing off his tricks. virgil is the only one who is impressed by this

pulls things out of seemingly-too-small spaces like mary poppins with her bag, but only from other people's clothes (he will often steal janus's hat and pull something absurdly large out of it)

instead of rising up or appearing out of nowhere in the videos, in every video he walks out from a different random place (ex: from behind the tv like remus, from underneath the couch, down the stairs virgil sits on)

all of his clothes are glow in the dark

he doesn't know he needs glasses. he just assumes everyone has blurry vision

uses vocab cards like original logan but all of the words are made up and have never been said by anyone

regularly puts inflection on all the wrong parts of words and pronounces common words wrong (he doesn't pronounce long, uncommon words wrong, just short, easy to pronounce ones)

always talks just a little too loud and a little too fast

conspiracy theorist but only for theories that no one has ever heard of

wears a suit in every video except the court room one, where he wore the unicorn onesie the whole time

when thomas died his hair purple, his hair was inexplicably a completely different color. it would change every time someone mentioned it and he would never acknowledge that his hair looked different from everyone else's

censors people like og janus, but instead of covering their mouths, he just makes a loud distracting noise like og remus

the only side who doesn't think he's annoying is virgil, who finds him hilarious

virgil:

introduced in episode 1. represents pretty much all of thomas's positive emotions and none of the negative ones. also impulsive thoughts (impulsive not intrusive)

is technically a light side based on his role in the story but he's friends with everyone and "doesn't pick sides" (he sides with whoever is the most useful or interesting to him in the moment)

whenever conversation with the others bores him, he shamelessly ignores them, often scrolling on his phone in the middle of a video

extreme form of a hedonist. he chases dopamine like his life depends on it and is willing to do extremely reckless things if he thinks it will be a little fun

often causally tries to usurp the others and gain unilateral control over thomas's life ("wouldn't it be fun if you just ignored all of them and listened to me?")

is very open to trying new things for the experience, even if he can reasonably guess that he won't enjoy it. roman has no short supply of horrifying, painful ideas that they can try together

very good at insulting people in ways that really hurt. also very good at acting innocent and pretending he wasn't trying to be mean

some parts of the fandom in this universe would think he had a corruption arc when he became friends with the dark sides (there would definitely be fanfics where patton kidnapped and brainwashed him to be evil or smth) but he was just always like this.

always excited to help out the dark sides with their plans, being a bit of a double agent because thomas trusts and listens to him

he's an asshole who just wants to have fun and get what he wants all the time forever

roman:

introduced in this version of dwit, but he represents dark creativity and melancholy more so than intrusive thoughts

claims to hate disney but constantly quotes disney villains

frequently goes on long, depressing, overly dramatic speeches

collects dead things. he's trying to get a corpse of as many different animals, plants, etc. as possible

shameless masochist. (his shoes feel like he's walking on broken glass all the time and he loves it. he was inspired by the original little mermaid)

says all of the same types of things as og remus, but in a more monotone, gloomy way

often very aggressive, especially towards logan. he shows his love through violence and insults. he does the same with patton and virgil but less overtly because he can't get away with it as easily

came up with the name "the dark sides" just like he did in the og series, but this time it's an official term because it was created by one of them

always fights with patton over who's in charge. patton is usually the winner. either way, they don't like listening to each other so whoever wins would just boss around logan (they already both do)

janus:

introduced in episode 1. represents honesty and justice

the most gullible person ever. assumes everyone is always telling the truth and is completely blindsided when he's lied to

a strict kantian. he literally has never lied intentionally

associated with sheep instead of snakes (get it? like the bible?) it's much more subtle than the snake symbolism but gets more obvious as the show goes on and he gets an outfit change. (he wears a white wool turtleneck, has sheep/goat rectangular pupils, and has little horns under his hat, which is why he wears it)

his logo doesn't have a sheep on it, but his christmas sweaters do

tries to be nice to everyone since it's his job to be a good role model, but he would rather be honest than polite, so he can be pretty sassy at times

always feels guilty for something, even if he did nothing wrong

always a target of logan for his gullibility, and how he tries so hard to steer thomas in the right direction. in can lying be good, the game show logan hosted was rigged and completely nonsensical. this drove him crazy because...

he cares very much about things being fair

much more competent in the courtroom scenario than og patton was, too bad patton in this universe is also more strategic than og janus

remus:

introduced in episode 1. represents light creativity, hopes and dreams, and innocence

very squeamish and easily scared

if og remus is r rated creativity and og roman is pg creativity, this remus is g rated. never curses. very averse to violence

he's kind of the straight man of this group of gay men (similar to og logan). he's fed up with everyone, especially the dark sides

really hates the fact that virgil is friends with the dark sides, but he can't really do anything about it so he just sulks

you know in the we take requests video where they say the most out of character thing each character could say? and for remus they say like 'can you guys just chill? i'm trying to sing all of moby dick'? that's this remus's energy

writes poetry in his free time

his ideas can be pretty out there and weird like og remus, but just without the dark stuff

mostly pretty calm and subdued, but can get very hyper and intense when he's exited about an idea or a romantic opportunity for thomas

patton:

introduced around the time of svs

very strategic. plans meticulously before doing anything. (even little unimportant things) he was the mastermind behind pretty much everything logan and roman did before he was even introduced

says that he doesn't care about the other dark sides and that he only works with them out of necessity. he is actually very fond of and protective over them. he'll never admit it

always polite to everyone, even when he's arguing against them (this was very confusing to thomas who expected him to be even scarier than roman). it's just performative though. he's a hater, not a lover

enjoys making puns but always denies that they were intentional (like og logan but if he was lying about it being an accident)

has very dulled emotions. he enjoys spending time with roman, logan, and virgil because they're all so intense in different ways and allow him to feel something

he is especially attached to virgil, since virgil can't just make him feel any emotion, he can make him feel happy

doesn't emote with his eyes. or blink.

starts off as less threatening than roman, but later on, he gets some much scarier moments. roman has more of a constant, steady stream of scariness, while patton holds most of it in until it builds up to an explosion

has a #1 Dad mug, but it's been crossed out and has #2 Boss written under it (logan gave it to him)

roman frequently tries to kill him. he pretends not to notice it to frustrate him (ex: roman will poison his coffee and he'll drink the whole thing with no reaction)