#And word-vomitting meta upon it...

[thelostgirl21]

I think one of the reasons why I absolutely adore Magnus and Alec's first time together is because, as Magnus once said, Alec is just so... innocent.

I know that fans are often equating him sort of pouncing on Magnus to passionately kiss him (as soon as he learned they had the apartment to themselves), and later eagerly pushing him towards the bedroom while starting to unbutton his shirt, as him being anything but "innocent".

But, to me, having the confidence to express his desires, going after what he wants, and taking charge of a situation - even one filled with some unknowns - is not something indicating a lack of innocence on Alec's part.

Part of it likely comes from his own temperament. Like Izzy said, he has a tendency to overthink things.

He can make brash and impulsive decisions, at times, in an effort to quickly fix issues causing him a great deal of emotional distress, true. But otherwise, he usually tries to look at a situation through as many angles as he can, collect data from a number of different sources, ask for other people's input, etc., before reaching a conclusion.

Once he does commit to a given course of action, however, he fully commits!

Not blindly (i.e. the feedback he receives from his environment will make him change course if he notices something's wrong and he's no longer sure that he's doing the right thing), but with an impressive amount of drive, willpower, and determination.

What makes him such a formidable leader, IMHO, is that he's got the strength of his convictions, while said convictions remain flexible and adaptable in light of any newly acquired information.

Whenever he realizes he's made a mistake, he's able to own it, figure out / explain why he made that mistake, learn from it, and work on solutions to prevent making those same mistakes again.

And it is a really, really good thing. Because, driven as he is, if he was remotely dogmatic in his beliefs or unable to cope with the idea of being wrong, he'd truly be dangerous - crushing anything and anyone in his path to reach his objectives.

But the point is that Alec is someone that typically tries to measure the potential impact of his actions before he reaches a decision.

And, since all of his concerns have been dealt with before - during the "overthinking phase" - there's often no longer any need for him to hesitate or hold back while acting on it.

In this very instance, it was rather clear that becoming sexually intimate with Magnus was something that he'd had the chance to think long and hard (no pun intended) about.

Since - given he'd already been with approximately 17 000 lovers before - the likeliness of Magnus being comfortable having sex with him was rather high.

From Alec's P.O.V., I'm guessing that the only one "reasonably holding them back" from being sexually intimate with each other, technically, was Alec himself.

I have a feeling that he already knew that, deep down, he felt ready to have sex with Magnus when he went to ask Izzy for advice.

He just needed to be sure that his lack of experience wasn't making him overlook any important variables before fully "going for it".

For example: Is there anything that Izzy wished she'd have known before she had sex for the first time that she didn't? Anything specific he should be made aware of? Anything he (or Magnus) could regret?

And she basically lets him know that - since Magnus and him genuinely care about each other - it's going to be fine.

If the thought of having sex with Magnus is something that Alec wants, if it makes him happy, then the best thing for him to do is to stop worrying!

She's making it rather clear that her own experience with sexual intimacy is - thankfully - not something she regrets, and there's no reason why Alec might regret it, either.

If it is something that he does yearn for, and since he's with someone that genuinely cares about his well-being and safety, then the only thing that might ruin this for Alec is Alec himself worrying about what could go wrong.

So, Alec pouncing on Magnus - going right after what he wants and what makes him happy with pure abandon once he's sure of his decision - to me, is extremely typical of the way Alec behaves in general.

But, most importantly, I see it as a sign of complete trust in his partner.

He's comfortable enough initiating the physical intimacy and openly expressing what he wants, regardless of his own inexperience, because he trusts Magnus to guide him through the process.

As it turns out, however, Alec had overlooked some variables - namely Magnus' own fears and insecurities. And this is where Alec displays traits that really show how innocent he is, too.

He sees Magnus as someone that loves him unconditionally, and that couldn't possibly seek to hurt or take advantage of him.

Alec is in love with him, he feels loved by him, and he's got no tangible awareness, apparently, that there is a significant power imbalance between them that Magnus (thankfully) remains very aware and respectfully mindful of.

I say "thankfully", because the fact that Magnus worries about taking advantage of any situation with Alec is a good sign that Alec's trust in him isn't being misplaced.

I believe that Magnus is fully aware that, his whole life, Alec has been conditioned to meet the expectations of those he loves and depends on to feel safe.

And, while they eventually did see the errors of their ways, his parents did use how they expressed or withheld love and approval towards their children as motivational tools to get them to act certain ways, and make certain choices.

Alec was even willing to go as far as marry Lydia because he felt responsible for fixing his parent's mistakes and restoring his family's honor.

He has a tendency to readily sacrifice his own wants and needs for those he loves - to put himself second.

And Magnus knows that he's always been very honest with him regarding his past sex life history.

From appreciative "name dropping" (Michelangelo was "excellent in bed", Casanova was "brazen"...) to him having been with "men, women, seelies, warlocks, vampires... a djin or two" (about 17 000 of them!), he's made it rather clear that sex is something he enjoys indulging in every now and then.

So, it wouldn't be far fetched for Magnus to worry that Alec would have interpreted his openness about sex in general as being something that he would absolutely need to have in a relationship in order to continue being interested in his partner.

It makes sense that Magnus would be concerned that he may have unwittingly offered Alec the impression that, if he took too long before being able to "give him what he needs" to be happy or feel fulfilled in their relationship, then he might decide that being with a 20-something inexperienced virgin Shadowhunter wasn't worth it, and/or go seek "his pleasure" elsewhere.

I mean, from what I understand, Magnus himself has often been made to feel like what he had to offer was either too much, or not enough, too. He even apologetically told Alec in the beginning of their relationship "I know I'm a lot to get used to".

So, his own ability to clearly express where he stands and what he wants or needs - and have his partner understand it - has been something that he's been made to feel very insecure about.

And the last thing he wishes to do, I believe, is hurt Alec or take advantage of him; to have Alec feel like he should be sexually active with him based on any wrongly interpreted signal that Magnus might have been unwittingly sending him simply by being open and honest about his past.

And if you do force yourself to have sex with someone without truly wanting it - for fear that you might be losing them if you don't - there's a very high likeliness of your own body responding to the sexual act as some form of aggression.

Sadly, once your brain starts making associations between the feeling that some of your personal boundaries having been violated and the person you were with when that feeling occurred, you may instinctively start withdrawing from them and be uncomfortable being generally intimate with them.

So, Magnus being instinctively cautious, and refusing to immediately take Alec's eagerness to be sexually intimate with him at face value makes sense and is extremely reassuring in its own way.

Alec also display some measure of innocence in the way he responds to Magnus attempt at slowing him down, too.

It goes from this sort of still somewhat eager open confusion where he's just verbally clarifying what he wants (Okay... I thought pouncing on your significant other once you've made sure the way is clear might convey "I want us to sleep together! Let's do this! I'm ready!"... Did I miss something? Damnit, Izzy, I swear if I learn there's some sort of mating ritual you're supposed to go through first, and you never thought to tell me, I'll be so pissed!)...

...to extremely focused on Magnus when he starts expressing his own concerns with Alec's wish for them to become sexually intimate together so soon into the relationship.

Alec's not just listening to his words, but appears to be actively looking for clues in Magnus' gaze and in his behavior to help him figure out what's happening, and what he might have been missing in all of his prior "overthinking".

While Alec doesn't seem to fully "get it" (apparently totally unaware that having sex with someone before you are fully ready might put a strain on a relationship, and/or just how easy it would be for someone to take advantage of the way Alec is so openly offering himself to them), he does appear to get that Magnus is scared that he is making the decision to please him, rather than because he truly wants to.

So, to me, having Alec clearly tell him "You have nothing to worry about, I want this", right before confidently pushing Magnus towards the bedroom while starting to unbutton his shirt, doesn't translate as a lack of innocence on his part, either.

I see it more as Alec's way of reassuring Magnus that he is genuinely ready for them to be sexually intimate together. It's him trying to make Magnus feel that he's doing this for himself, first and foremost.

It's Alec wordlessly saying "I may be inexperienced, but I don't see why being inexperienced should make me apprehensive about being sexually intimate with you. I trust you, I believe I'm making the right choice for myself, and I need you to trust me, too."

Alec's innocence also shines through in the way he initiates making love with Magnus like someone that's never been hurt in love before.

In the way he doesn't seem to have any specific expectations besides sharing something that's supposedly wonderful and fun with Magnus.

His guards are completely down, and he's just this happy, giggling, fumbling mess feeling his way around and trying to figure out the steps as he goes...

When Magnus teasingly remarks "that was graceful" (referring to how they both lost their balance several times while making their way to the bed - trying to remove pieces of clothing at the same time - to finally clumsily topple together on top of said bed), Alec gets in on the humor by happily replying "Shadowhunter" while gesturing to himself, then passionately dives right back in all the kissing and groping.

It doesn't seem to occur to him - not even for a second - that some sexual partners have a tendency to take sex very "seriously", and are unable to keep their concentration when the other person is constantly giggling and laughing or even *gasp* joking.

He's not acting like he's scared of messing anything up by not knowing what he's doing, either.

He's not worried about the possibility of Magnus gossiping about having slept with a Shadowhunter, while mocking his lack of experience or "technique" with fellow Warlocks.

There isn't the slightest notion in his mind that any of this could be about Magnus' wishing to add a Shadowhunter on his already impressive list of "sexual conquests".

Until Magnus interrupts them again, there's not a single tiny bit of concern being expressed by Alec about his ability to "offer a good sexual performance", and/or "living up to his partner's expectations", either.

He's just this happy, carefree, loving partner having the time of his life, exploring something new and wonderful in his relationship with the man he loves - something that he never believed he could ever have for himself - and staying in the moment.

He's (rightly) assuming that, because Magnus saw him when it seemed no one else did, told him that being "different" was a good thing, has since been able to set up clear boundaries with him and hold him accountable in the relationship without targeting his ego, and has never tried to make him feel like he's not "good enough" for him, there's no reason why Magnus should expect him to offer anything other than himself.

There's no use for Alec to attempt to pretend he's this amazing lover when he's never been in the position of being a lover before, and Magnus has clearly told him that "he doesn't care how many people he hasn't been with" already.

Magnus makes Alec feel safe, unconditionally loved, supported, and gives him confidence.

Generally speaking, in virtually any context, he uses his own power and experience to empower Alec and help him reach his own potential, rather than seek to dominate him and make him feel small.

He's someone that Alec feels comfortable being emotionally and physically "naked" with.

I remember that the first time I heard and watched the way Alec proudly answered "Shadowhunter" - then immediately grabbed Magnus to kiss him some more (barely giving him any time to process the comment) - I was just totally overwhelmed with "feels"!

Alec is just so blissfully happy and adorably confident and way too pure for this world in this moment! And it's such a delight to watch Magnus positively respond to him and savor those moments with him.

Being innocent, in a sexual context, is not something that I personally see as turning 3 shades of red and starting to giggle nervously because someone said the word "penis" out loud, or freezing at the thought of seeing or touching a bit of skin.

I mean, seeing how comfortable Jace was with Alec walking in on him while he was in the middle of foreplay with a member of his "book club", I'm guessing that it's not the first time something like that has happened between them.

Alec himself appeared to be more irritated with Jace's blatant lack of shame or sense of interpersonal boundaries, rather than traumatized over what he saw was about to happen.

And then, there's Isabelle that, if I remembered correctly, complained about how she was constantly talking to Alec about her love/sex life, while he kept everything to himself.

So, there's no question that Alec knows what sex is, and likely sees sexual activity as something natural that is nothing to be ashamed of.

Being in his early twenties, you would sort of expect him to be surrounded by openly sexually active people and understand what's usually "going on" in a bedroom, not to mention having been given plenty of time to explore his own body.

Thus, what makes him innocent, in the context of a romantic and sexual relationship, to me, really is how he approaches lovemaking with such an open and trusting heart, while laughing, stumbling, trying to connect with his partner and focusing on them being happy together without any hint of concern or fear of being hurt in the process.

And Magnus offers Alec a safe space to be himself and fully enjoy the moment they are sharing by letting Alec set the pace and following his lead. He's stumbling, giggling, and allowing himself to be blissfully happy right alongside him, approaching the whole experience as something new and exciting.

And it is. Each partner you share a bed with is unique, and you will need to find your own shared rhythm with them.

Magnus, however, could easily have ignored all of this and spontaneously taken the role of "the experienced mentor" that will teach the "newbie" everything he knows about sex, including the "best, most pleasurable way to do it"! But he didn't.

And if you're laughing at the statement I just gave, you'd be surprised with how many partners I've had, in my teenage and adult years, that approached sex as some sort of competitive sport, boasting at their own skills and experience, and immediately tried to "take you under their wing" to "teach you all of their trade secrets" as soon as they learned that they were the most experienced out of the two.

Thankfully, my very first experience was with a guy one year younger than myself, that had only had one sexual partner before me, and who was just the sweetest, most attentive partner any virgin could have asked for.

He made the whole experience be about me being comfortable with what was happening and about us being and figuring things out together; and that was exactly what I needed at the time. He never made me feel like there was any rush for us to get anywhere specific together.

Sadly, not everyone is as fortunate. Some experienced partners appear to care way more about showcasing their skills and being praised for "giving you a good time", rather than achieving any sense of partnership.

I really believe, however, that the most experienced partner's role should always be to put themselves at the least experienced partner's level at first, so that they can then build something together from there.

Perhaps the least experienced one will be delighted to have the most experienced partner "show off" what they can do and teach them new things!

But the point simply is that it should be a choice they make, and not something that's being imposed on them from the get go on the assumption that "my job is to show you a good time and teach you stuff".

Immediately taking charge without first confirming that this is something the other wants or needs is the best way to damage the least experienced partner's confidence, make them feel like what they have to offer you with their current level of skills and knowledge isn't enough, and make them become overly fearful of taking initiative and just experimenting with different things in the bedroom.

And this is true whether the person you are with is someone you care about, love, and wish to develop a relationship with, or someone you just met at a bar and may never see again in your life.

Even if the goal of the sexual encounter isn't to build a more in depth relationship, the moment you are spending together is an intimate act where you are supposed to be partners. It's a moment where you need to make sure that you both (or all, should you be more than two) get something out of it, and feel like you are contributing to what's happening.

I have friends involved in BDSM - some of them enjoying the occasional company of a complete stranger as they feel it adds something exciting to the experience.

Anyone with a healthy approach to BDSM would tell you how important it is for any dominant/submissive dynamic to be consensual and include limits that all partners have discussed and agreed upon.

There's nothing wrong with the more experienced partner taking the lead in any sexual context, but they always need to make sure that this is what the other(s) want. Trust and communication are key - including paying attention to the non-verbal.

Thankfully, in this context Magnus handles Alec's innocence and inexperience absolutely beautifully, and is more than willing to make the moment about Alec and about the two of them.

Actually, Magnus is so skilled at matching Alec's own rhythm and sharing the experience with him, that he instinctively finds himself letting his own barriers down.

Apparently, Alec makes love with such an open heart and soul - hiding no part of himself in the process - that Magnus can't maintain his own glamour to hide any part of himself from Alec, either.

And, just like that, the power dynamic is changed!

In the Shadow World, Shadowhunters consider themselves the superior race since they share blood with the angels.

They are warriors of light imbued with Heavenly powers that proudly display their runes for anyone (except Mundanes, obviously) to see!

But the Downworlders - that share blood with demons - are taught to hide their "shameful demonic heritage" and are expected to constantly fight against their "demonic nature" that makes them "naturally more prone" to violence, decadence, evil actions, and so forth.

Warlocks may be the most powerful species of the Shadow World, they also are the literal children of demons - hybrids that can't even have their own children and who are carrying a physical mark that reflects their demonic parentage.

Some Shadowhunters apparently used to take those marks as trophies (it's pretty clear that Circle members still do), and it seems to be one of the ways that Shadowhunters sometimes use to confirm the identity of a warlock.

Later, we also learn that Magnus has been vulnerable to Asmodeus' influence as a child because he was the only other person he'd ever met with "eyes like his".

Magnus' eyes are tied to a lot of shame, early rejection (including his mother killing herself and abandoning him, when he was nine, when she finally realized what her son's cat eyes meant), and overall bad memories.

I think that the only times, until then, that we'd seen Magnus with his glamour down on the show was when he was trying to drive people away / intimidate them / remind them of how powerful and potentially dangerous he (or a spell he is performing) is.

It's when he wants people to remember that he's also "part monster", that they would do well not to get on his bad side, or make sure that someone requiring his services understands the type of forces they are dealing with.

Jocelyn Fairchild knocking at his door to get Clary's memories removed, those Circle members in the club, the one Magnus was fighting in his apartment...

They are all people that Magnus wanted to send some form of warning to, whether the warning was hostile, or not.

And suddenly, those "monster eyes" are on full display for Alec to see in a context where he wishes to make Alec feel safe and avoid anything that could ever drive him away.

Thanks to him having lost control over his glamour, Alec is now concerned that he's done something wrong...

And, although Magnus is quick to reassure Alec that his current reaction has nothing to do with something he did - or with him not wanting to share this intimate moment with him - he's still avoiding Alec's gaze, seemingly withdrawing from him, and offering no coherent or clear explanation as to why.

But, try as he might, Magnus can't bring the glamour back on, so he's essentially got two choices...

He can either trust that Alec won't leave once he sees his warlock mark, and that he'll be able to accept that it is a part of him that he can't always control (apparently).

That, should Alec find his eyes' appearance unsettling, they'll find ways to manage the situation until Magnus becomes better at maintaining his glamour around Alec while the two of them are being intimate with each other. Maybe get creative with the use of blindfolds?

Or he can continue to let Alec worry over what's happening while stubbornly keeping his eyes closed and refusing to look at him until he gets the glamour back on, thus maintaining a certain form of "barrier" between them.

Magnus thus chooses to take the risk of allowing himself to be vulnerable with Alec once again - allowing him to see him without any glamour - so he'll understand that his reaction wasn't caused by anything Alec did.

Or actually, maybe it was caused by something Alec did; just not by something Alec did wrong.

And I also love the way that Alec's expression doesn't change right away once Magnus finds the courage to turn around.

I love that Alec briefly continues to just look at him like he's still trying to figure out what's wrong with Magnus now that he's FINALLY able to look in his eyes - steadily searching for the answer there like he did earlier.

I like to think that Alec sort of initially just mentally went: "Okay, that's good, I've managed to get him to look at me. Now, I just need to convince him that it's okay for him to tell me what he meant by "los - OH!"

That the moment he realizes the eyes he's been looking into have changed color and appearance, he breaks into that slightly amused smile (mostly amused at himself for having been too focused on trying to read the emotions written there to immediately notice the change); relieved to know that Magnus and him will be okay.

Because, just like Madzie's gills looked incredibly cool, Magnus' cat eyes are absolutely gorgeous, and Alec knows he's just falling in love with his boyfriend's eyes all over again, gladly getting lost in their depth.

Alec can only hope that Magnus will believe him when he tells him that they are beautiful, that he's beautiful... That it will help relieve some of the pain, fears, and concerns he sees reflected in them...

Meanwhile, Magnus watches Alec go from being a concerned, confused, and inquisitive puppy; to a relieved, mesmerized, and adoring one in a matter of seconds!

Next thing he knows, there's a warm, gentle hand against his cheek; and a pair of open, steady, loving hazel eyes staring right back into his own, tenderly anchoring him there while Alec is calling his cat eyes beautiful, telling him that he's beautiful - all of him - with all the love and sincerity he can muster.

Magnus can allow himself to relax, lovingly reach up to caress the hand resting on his cheek while lazily blinking back at him in wonder.

His cat eyes - that Magnus had usually used to inspire respect and fear, to remind people of his powers and appear more intimidating - aren't driving him away.

For some reason, they appear to be drawing Alec in instead, inspiring him to move even closer to him rather than farther apart. And perhaps - just perhaps - if Alec can love them and see beauty in them, he might be able to learn to love and fully own that part of himself, too.

One of the things that fascinate me about Alec is that, once he found out that his parents and the Clave had lied to him his whole life about their involvement in the Circle, it's like he made the conscious decision to bring all of his perceptions of the Downworld back to factory reset.

He was able to recognize that all of the prejudices he'd ever had about warlocks, vampires, and other Downworlders weren't based on facts, and that there was no actual evidence that Downworlders were better or worse people just for having demon blood.

Instinctively, we fear what we don't know or don't understand - what we haven't been familiarized with when we were young. We perceive what isn't "like us" or "a part of our usual environment" as potential threats.

ROBERT: [Magnus]'s reputation precedes him. And even for a warlock, he’s a bit of a lothario. Alec, there’s so much that you don’t know about him.

ALEC: Well, then I plan to get to know him.

Alec's not denying that there are tons of things he doesn't know nor understand about Magnus, simply stating that he's not going to let that lack of knowledge make him treat Magnus as inherently "bad" or dangerous because of it.

He's going to take the time to get to know him - seek to better understand him - and he'll adapt his opinion of him based on what he sees, learns, finds, and experiences, rather than the opinion of people that have never bothered spending time with him, nor made any efforts to get to know him for who he is rather than what he could potentially do "as a warlock".

Better yet, he's going to start exploring the rest of the Downworld and getting to know their people as if he was experiencing their world and taking a look at them for the very first time, too.

When it comes to Magnus and the Downworld, Alec is choosing to leave himself open and trusting in the face of the unknown, rather than risking to unfairly treat them as threats to keep himself and fellow Shadowhunters "safe" from things they don't understand, yet are too fearful to go explore.

And, unlike Aldertree, he's wise enough to avoid treating anecdotal bad experiences, no matter how tragic or terrible they may be, as facts that can be generalized to all of the Downworld.

Just because the breaks of your car have malfunctioned and caused a crash doesn't mean that every car you'll climb in is ill-fated to have malfunctioning breaks and crash.

Alec is obviously not "innocent" all the way through. He grew up in a world of politics and is perfectly aware of the mind games and power plays that can and often occur there.

He was also emotionally and psychologically abused by parents that used his feelings to get what they wanted out of him (they may have thought they were doing it to protect their children from their past and the Clave, their behavior with their children was still controlling and abusive, even putting Jace, Isabelle, and Alec in the roles of the golden, invisible, and scapegoat child, respectively).

And that's sort of the point. Now that Alec has snapped out of it, he's very perceptive and typically good at noticing and identifying patterns of emotional manipulation, and/or when someone's motivations and goals go against the welfare of those they are supposed to be protecting.

And treating Downworlders as people also means avoiding to fall into the trap of idealizing them by believing that none of them ever would abuse their powers, among others.

Alec may have decided to start trusting and valuing Downworlders with an open heart, and utterly be refusing to see them as a threats based on their reputation and everything he doesn't know about them, but he still allows himself to have an opinion of each individual he meets.

Be they Shadowhunters, Downworlders, or Mundanes, if the individual's actions and motives appear to be self-serving, and/or threatens to bring harm to others, he won't trust nor support them.

But Magnus himself is the one that helped him realize that the way he'd been raised was wrong, and "snap out" of the manipulation and abuse he'd been the victim of. He's the one that inspired him to start questioning the "truths" he'd been blindly taught by the Clave, and to follow what he knew in his heart was right.

Magnus is the one that, while holding Alec accountable for his actions and letting him know when he didn't approve of his behavior, never tried to minimize what Alec was going through nor pretend that he was wrong for feeling the way he did.

In some ways, Alec is far from being innocent, but in others, he truly is.

He's never been in romantic relationship nor had sex with anyone before, he gets upset over the poor tunas being described as "fatty" on the menu of a sushi restaurant, he grew up being pretty sheltered from everything that exists outside of the Shadow World...

And, with Magnus, he doesn't need to pretend that he knows more than he does, nor hide any of that innocence from him, because he knows that he won't be judged for it, mocked about it or, especially, taken advantage of because of it.

He can afford to let his guards down and embrace that side of him that is filled with innocence and wonder because Magnus respects, values, and nurtures it.

What Magnus receives, in return, is the love and acceptation of someone that refuses to let other people's opinions or even blood connections dictate how he should see the world and others, takes the time to truly look at him, and openly tell him what he sees.

Alec doesn't care what warlocks marks are "supposed to mean" according to the Clave. Madzie's gills are cool-looking, so why shouldn't he compliment her on them?

Magnus' eyes are beautiful and he loves them, so why pretend otherwise?

"There is nothing ugly about you."

"I don't care who your parents are. I care who you are."

"You are the furthest thing from a greater demon."

After all, Alec's parents used to be Circle members, and he's the furthest thing from being Circle member, too.

All I can hope is that telling Magnus out loud that he shouldn't carry the burden nor shame of his parents' actions, or the fact that someone took advantage of him at his most vulnerable to try to turn him into someone he's not, is helping Alec truly internalize the fact that his family's crimes and mistakes aren't his to fix, and the way he'd treated or behaved with Downworlders before he realized how wrong his parents and the Clave were isn't something he should feel guilty about, either.

Take steps to make up for his mistakes and show proper responsibility for Downworlders who are under his people's protection, yes. Acknowledge what he did wrong and why it was wrong, absolutely.

But it doesn't make him a terrible person nor puts him at fault. He still deserves to be loved, cherished, put first, and be reminded of how beautiful he is, too.

I think what makes Malec such a beloved pairing is the amount of love and acceptance they have for each other, and their willingness to emotionally empathize despite their very different backgrounds and experiences.

Relationships do take efforts, but it is important not to overlook the type of efforts they require.

Relationships aren't about making the effort to change the other person to better suit yourself, nor to change yourself to become what the other person wants.

Because, while healthy relationships do, indeed, inspire people to change and (hopefully) become better; they do so by "unlocking" parts of ourselves that we didn't dare acknowledge, explore, develop, and/or express until then.

They do so by offering a supportive, loving, and safe environment for certain aspects of our personalities to hatch, take root, and/or grow.

But those are changes that come from within.

You can offer a romantic partner opportunities for change as much as you want, if they do not feel like they have anything to gain by embracing them (or worse, if their goal is to dominate and control the relationship), nothing good will come of it.

Those efforts, instead, are about learning to know and understand each other, finding the right balance between your partner's needs and your own, leaving your ego at the door while trying to resolve conflicts, admitting to being wrong when you are, showing appreciation and respect towards your partner for taking responsibility for their mistakes when it turns out that you are right, and seeking to come out of any conflict or difficult situation with the two of you having gained or learned something out of it, and with your partnership having ideally grown stronger from the experience.

Those efforts are about being willing to pool resources together to support and make each other stronger. They are about finding how to make your respective differences work in such a way that they complement each other, and accept that there are aspects of your lives where you'll need to agree to disagree.

Relationships take efforts, but they require healthy efforts.

And some of those efforts, thankfully, turn out to be more rewarding than anything else.

Because, while Magnus does have to make the effort of being mindful that he's Alec first romantic and sexual relationship, and he does have to make the effort of giving him space to explore, take risks, and set the pace for the both of them, he seems to be enjoying every single second of it.

Since Alec grew up in such a very sheltered environment, there are tons of things in the Mundane world - and even just life in general - that he's yet to have tasted, touched, seen, heard and experienced.

By loving him - by emotionally connecting with Alec - he gets the chance to re-experience many of the things he loves with him for the first time, too.

I have absolutely no trouble imagining Magnus bringing Alec to his favorite restaurants not so much for the food itself, but to drink in the sight of Alec tasting it and listening to him commenting on it - regardless of whether he ends up enjoying the same foods he does or not.

When they walk hand-in-hand in the streets of a foreign city, Alec is likely to pay attention to things that Magnus himself may never have noticed before, and appreciate details that he may have grown to take for granted over time, or stopped noticing after a while.

And, after having grown up with parents that - in Alec's own words - have drilled into him that he was never good enough, Alec has met someone that finds delight and joy in almost everything he does, and who treats him like he's the best thing that has ever happened to him in hundred of years!

Somehow, their respective needs and wants work together in a very beautiful and organic way.

They are different and they do come from different worlds, but their core values, personalities, ability to derive genuine happiness from their partner's own experience of it, and their desire to treat their relationship as a true partnership makes it work and allows them to overcome challenges together.

Magnus offered Alec a world he never thought he'd ever be allowed to have and experience.

Alec offered Magnus the key to opening his heart and fully emotionally connecting with all the wonders and joys of their world.

Magnus' powers is the magic he was born with, but Alec's love and innocence is the magic he chose to bring home with him and keep safe.

[percheduphere]

LET'S TALK ABOUT WHEN MOBIUS GETS EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED

I rewatched S1 (in prep for a GIANT meta reviewing S1 and S2 together), and upon second viewing, I greatly appreciate the subtle and gradual progression of trust within Loki and Mobius' friendship. S1E2 is key to this. Tom and Owen's performances are impeccable because the energy between them changes scene by scene alongside the plotpoints.

From Mobius' end, I think I found the exact moment Mobius officially became emotionally compromised when it comes to Loki:

S1E2

The interaction that caused the final blow: 32:09 - 33:04

"Gentleman's bet? Let's play for pride."

"Let's go let's go let's go!"

"Extinction of the swallow? Is that a thing?"

"Got 'em!"

Racing against time cross-refrencing apocalypses with the presence of Kablooie. Spouting back and forth about their progress. Sassy remarks.

After a rocky start, they are now operating on the same mental wavelength. They're in rhythm. They are having so much fun together. They are smiling and laughing. Any moment in which a best friend is made feels exactly like this.

Not only was Loki right about his Apocalypse Theory, he also finds the exact date and location where Sylvie hides. Mobius is so proud of him! Look at these faces:

But we don't see how smitten Mobius is until he's with Renslayer in the scene that immediately follows. Sure, Mobius is excited about getting close to catching Sylvie, but he's even more excited about how well he and Loki work together. It's incredibly sweet.

I couldn't find gifs of the exact dialogue I wanted, so I transcribed it like the obsessive fool that I am:

RENSLAYER: And this is all based on a theory from the variant who just blew your previous mission?

MOBIUS: Yeah, he's doing great!

AND

MOBIUS: Come on. You don't usually see me this worked up, right? I'm exited! Im chomping at the bit!

When he says this, even Ravonna looks happy for him? I'm kind of sad, actually. You can tell in this scene that Ravonna and Mobius truly were close friends, once upon a time.

Then, they go to the locker room before deployment, and what does Mobius do?

He's so happy he gives Loki his daggers (a symbol of love), likely knicked and saved for who knows how long, hidden from Renslayer because this love is precious and he will not give it up. (@northrnfool you put this so well in another post!)

S1E2 has so much to unpack. Every scene is so layered, yet efficient and economic in effectively in propelling emotion and plot. I can't wait to word vomit on the whole series. Please forgive me.

[raayllum]

Gift Giving & Primal vs First Elves :: Or Going Off Into the Deep Lore Deep End

Remember that meta I compiled about Greek mythology, deceptive gift giving, and TDP? Yeah it's time to talk about the gift motif properly as well as some other deep lore things because these excellent thoughts ( @spicyviren, @kradogsrats, and @its-leethee) got the wheels in my brain spinning.

AKA an unknown amount of sectioned word vomit into the nature of magic, where it comes from, how deep magic operates, some gifts and motifs, and Leola, just a little.

Let's go.

Gift Motif

The gift motif is one that's a bit of a slowburn in TDP. While characters will often pass and hand over objects — tools, artefacts, metaphorical responsibilities or trust (handing over the egg, for example) — to one another, there's not a big emphasis on gifts in the first three seasons.

There are some, such as Callum's letter from Harrow (that he's given by Claudia once again initially as a goodbye), Ezran giving Bait to Barius in S3, and Rayla's family pendant, but most of these, as you've might already noticed, are contextualized within Goodbyes. Whether the gift motif will amount in arc 2 to escaping this "final gift" context remains to be seen, but that's how it tends to work in interpersonal relationships.

There is an element of peace offering in hoping that returning Zym — a gift and/or gesture of good will — will help usher in peace, but I think (as of now at least) that ties further into the series' theme of Reciprocal Exchange (the assassin mission being an eye for an eye vs olive branch for olive branch) than outright gift giving. (Although we will probably talk about Exchange and gift giving at some point because there is also a thematic tether there.)

However, there is one other thing that is more and more often referred to as a gift in Arc 1, and that's Magic. Specifically, dark magic.

Now, this actually isn't that dissimilar from what the Goodbye gifts amount to, either. In Harrow's letter, he gifts Callum the Key of Aaravos believing it to be a powerful magical relic of some kind; Rayla's pendant makes its way from Ethari to her to Callum, who then uses it for magical purposes; and Bait, as a glow toad, is connected to an arcanum himself.

I do think it's noteworthy though that in Arc 1, (dark) magic being a gift is emphasized upon, specifically because of these lines for Khessa:

Upon first watching it back in 2019, it made sense that dark magic would be referred to this way, even when I just thought maybe it was that humans had been given 'nothing,' as Claudia says. Dark magic is closely tied to ideas of theft and thievery — stealing magic from others to harness its power for yourself — and the series is deeply interested in concepts of ownership or who has 'true' ownership over something, in magic, a throne/crown, a price to pay, etc. This follows neatly into Arc 2 (for ex: why Karim seeking to steal the Sun Seed is a metaphorical dark path even if it didn't outright involve dark magic through Kim'Dael), which we'll build on later.

That said, given the depth of the knowledge at the Great Bookery that is open to Sunfire elves more than any other type of elf, and the information that Tales of Xadia and Ripples gives us...

While elves warned that if humans were meant to wield magic they would have been born with it, [Leola] gifted the wisest humans with secrets: the language of the dragons and the runes that shaped spells. With the unicorn’s gift, the most determined minds among the humans could finally harness primal magic.

It happened long ago, when humans had only just learned to hold fire in their hands without burning. They nurtured their precious primal flames secretly—in the dark of night, beneath shadows and shrouds—as cultivating its glow drew the eyes and ire of monsters [...] Humanity had been given something it was never meant to have. And so there came a calamity.

It makes it more than likely than, unlike other elves such as Lujanne or Ibis, Khessa had reason to believe/know that there used to be primal human mages in the past... and that it wasn't 'enough' for them ultimately, because they still hungered and developed (and were given?) dark magic. "Your kind could not be satisfied with what you were given" was about the rejection of primal magic from Leola (the unicorns) in favour of a darker kind that involves theft and "dirtying yourself" (5x08) with dark magic.

But at the same time, this complicates the Gift Giving motif of including not just dark magic, but being also for primal magic — for humans, at least.

And also for elves. (Ignoring how "great orb" is very similar to "great one" for now.)

Janai: It was a gift. But there's more to it than that. The great orb began as this. Karim: This is... a sun seed?

Now, the Great Orb being grown from a Sun 'literal' seed makes sense. We've known for a long time that in Xadia, "magic is everywhere. It's just part of the vibrance or spirit of things" (1x05). Primal magic naturally occurring in plants, animals, and elves likewise makes sense on that note. Just as not "many could bear the gruelling path of a rune mage," Karim cannot bear to have patience and faith in something that will only come to fruition centuries later.

That said, I raise the question: how functionally different is the Great Orb from say, a sun primal stone would hypothetically be? If primal stones and primal magic were gifts to humanity from unicorns — from creatures connected to the Star arcanum, for lack of a better understanding — then why not magic from Startouch (?) elves to other elves.

How do we know that all magic isn't simply a gift that was given once upon a time?

From the First Elves to the Primal Elves.

Primal vs First Elves

So what's the difference between First Elves and Primal elves?

Well we have a few pieces of lore:

1) Zubeia's status as a "heavenly majesty" (which we'll come back to in the next section) gives her authority to speak in the name of the first elves, who are effectively gods to humankind and/or Xadians ("Have our Gods died? / Where do the fabled Great Ones hide?" —the Epic of the Void

2) It seems that the First Elves are, as of now and for a while, exclusively in reference to what would otherwise be called Startouch elves, although the latter is seemingly a name that came later given Rayla's affirmation of "ancient legends". This is reaffirmed in Tales of Xadia's two lone mention of First Elves:

No group of elves presents a greater mystery than the Startouch elves. Sometimes called the First Elves, those bound to the Star primal are rumored to have made great marks on Xadia’s ancient history—but beyond story and legend, little real evidence is left to us today [...] Among the few extant records of Startouch elves are the Scrolls of the First Elves, now kept in the Great Bookery of Lux Aurea.

3) At a post-S2 con in 2019 (how's that for a far reach?) we got a timeline of the events of Xadia laid out for us. The description of the very first piece of history and era we know of goes as follows, with the Rise of Elarion happening 2000 years ago re: the Dragon Prince era ("The Return of Aaravos"):

The Era of the First elves is the first recorded era 5,000 years prior to the current era. Dragons and elves were not allied during this period. There were no distinct primal elves. This is an era before all that. Humans suffered during this period. 

—2019 con timeline

4) Justin and Aaron reaffirm this at the 2:30 ish minute mark of this video (a couple of months before even S3 was released) by reaffirming distinctly to Primal elves. Later (7:40-ish mark) we see this distinction reaffirmed again through the statement of, "The patterns have been that these primal based elves have grown cultures and civilizations that have become separate and differentiated from kind of whatever the early days were with the First elves were."

Okay, so there was 100% a time where there were only First Elves, and humans, and Primal elves as we knew them (maybe still with the hands and horns, but no arcanum? Or no singular, distinct arcanum) didn't exist. Why does this matter?

This is where the deep lore timeline gets tricky, as we don't know precisely when 1) humans received magic and 2) at what stage the First Elves / Great Ones / Startouch elves 'left' Xadia, only that they did, apparently, when Elarion (the human city) needed help: "Elarion, unworthy whelp / Wept as the stars turned black the sky / They donned their masks / They turned their backs / And left Elarion to die". Why abandon the city (beyond indifference/cruelty as Aaravos would likely claim), who knows.

However, we can assume the timeline looks something like this:

Era of the First Elves

Primal elves (and presumably archdragons *) are crafted / develop into being, whatever that means

Humans are magic-less and are having a bad time

Unicorns / Leola extend sympathy despite the fact that the First Elves tell her not to (Book One: Novelization / Tales of Xadia)

Humans have primal magic (Ripples / Tales of Xadia)

This attracts negative attention, consolidated in Elarion ("the stars she asked their light to cast / and stop the dragons’ fiery might" / "as cultivating its glow drew the eyes and ire of monsters. Eventually, for the audacity of their fire, they were hunted")

Elarion asks for help and the Stars leave

Aaravos, the last star — presumably already Fallen from the First Elves — gives them dark magic under the guise of protection even though it will inevitably help him (i.e. give him the ability to possess people)

Dark magic replaces primal magic as the primary form for humans

Tension and violence escalates (unicorns are hunted to near extinction). Sol Regem is removed as King of the Dragons

Under Dragon Queen Luna Tenebris, the daughter of an elven leader suggests the Judgement of the Half-Moon, causing for humans to be banished rather than eradicated, and the continent split in two

Again, nothing too crazy / not too much we haven't already known or guessed at for a while.

But like I said, I'm gonna propose two theories, so bear with me:

Theory #1: What is Deep Magic?

The First Elves engaged with what we're gonna call Deep or Old Magic, for lack of a better term. There can be an assumption at times that this magic would be more 'pure' or less 'diluted' than dark magic or even the primal magic we've seen on screen. However, I think that's less than likely. Dark magic is often times a bad path for good outcomes, and primal magic can be a 'good' magic for bad outcomes (the blood freezing spell, for example).

While dark magic is a more textually malevolent magic system and primal magic is more true neutral — able to be used as a tool and a source of connection for the user — I don't think this necessarily means that Deep Magic is inherently enlightening (we see with the Ocean arcanum and S5 that knowledge can be an immense burden) or that it's on the opposite end of the spectrum and is outright benevolent.

What, then, am I suggesting Deep Magic to be? Well, we have some clues likewise from the same old interview post-s2 that we haven't had much basis to (potentially) understand until now, in which it's stated:

Deeper magic and deeper gifts that the original beings received [...] practical, usable, powerful magic is drawn from the six primal sources, right? But there is this idea that there's this earlier, less differentiated power kind of magic that's deeper and more - I don't kind of want to say what all of them are. It's not that important now, it has more to do with the history of beings and their interactions with each other. But Aaravos cares about some of this stuff. The best I can say is that one of them's Power — but well, what does that mean?

The six primal sources — potentially just five (hence why only 5 gemstones seem to occur naturally in nature, and Star seemingly doesn't) — are all based around physical, somewhat tangible principles. Earth, Ocean, Sun (fire/light), Sky (wind/weather) are perhaps the most tangible, with only Moon dipping into something into something more metaphysical: illusions and questioning the nature of reality, the nature of death, etc. However, I'd argue that the Moon arcanum's emphasis on death still makes it something that is particularly important to creatures who are mortal (but more on that later).

What I am arguing for is then, therefore, that Deep Magic is magic drawn from Concepts and Ideas > tangible things found in nature or parts of other magical creatures.

Three concepts, to be exact: (translated dark magic screenshot from Cartoon Universe spells reversed).

Zubeia: He chose as his instruments those who had strong hearts and strong minds, but who had an insatiable thirst and fascination with magic (power).

Three quasar diamonds, three deep magic concepts. Heart, Mind, Power.

("To know something truly and deeply, you must know it with your head, hand, and heart. Mind, body, and spirit." / "She laid before me her scales, her blindfold, and her sword, and told me to choose.")

Now, I don't know if it's these three concepts exactly — I could Truth, or Justice, or something like that — or even if it's three. But given what little we know about Deep magic thus far and how much the series' likes its threes, I think that's the likeliest number and combination.

We've known for a while that there's something weird with the connection between dark magic, spells that use blood, and 'star' magic. We know it's unlikely that Aaravos being able to possess people who have used dark magic was just a happy accident discovered after humans started using it. We know that when Callum is offered the dark magic version of the cube in his dreams, the symbol is blood red: "You can have unlimited power." And that dark magic "became the key that unlocked a place of power for humans in Xadia" (Tales of Xadia).

So what if dark magic stems from the vein of Deep magic that's taken from the concept of Power? What if when Aaravos offered his pawns "unlimited" Power, or when Kpp'Ar accused Viren of (potentially using star magic) "making the same choice you always made: the one that gives you Power," they meant it?

Alternatively, this could mean that most other Startouch elves — their longevity, their indifference — comes from the vein of Mind and subsequent intellectual detachment? Enough intelligence and reason not to hunger for more (Power), but not enough compassion and empathy to sympathize with others (Heart).

And it would also tie into Leola being unique among her own kind for her heart taking pity on the humans, and giving them primal magic — perhaps in the vein of Heart, if we're keeping things consistent — and why love ("To know something truly and deeply [...] I love you with all of myself, and I always will" / "To love is simply to know this: the tides are true as the ocean is deep") has been consistently tied to Callum unlocking arcanums. The "Narrative of Strength (power)" vs "Narrative of Love" being even more literal than we thought.

This wouldn't be too out of line since Moon arcanum philosophy already borrows heavily from Plato's idea of the forms/reality (Plato's allegory of the cave, anyone?) and the forms basically mean "your imagined ideal of the object in your mind is going to be more perfect than any tangible, 'real' version of the object could ever be." That being applied to living beings who are literally in the sky would track a certain amount, in addition to the idea that however primal magic is set up in Xadia right is "the whole world is like a giant primal stone; sky magic is all around us, and it's also in me, with every breath we take." But I digress.

With the distinction of Deep Magic as 1) separate and a sea that flows into the primal as well as 2) older and earlier than primal magic, now onto the next theory:

Theory #2: First elves and the Archdragons?

Now admittedly this one is more speculative since beyond knowing 1) the First elves = what we'd call Startouch elves, 2) the rest of them except Aaravos 'left' Xadia a while ago, and 3) the aforementioned possible 'Mind' deep magic thing, we very quickly run out of set knowledge into full blown speculation. Beyond

With that in mind, I wanna talk about the... weirdness, I suppose, between the Archdragons / draconic royal family and the First Elves.

There's a few notes to this: we know that Ancient Draconic is the language of primal magic, indicating that dragons existed and presumably had primal magic before elves did, and that elves had to be given that linguistic knowledge at least to a certain degree.

Then we also have the way Zubeia is referred to being mirrored with the way she describes Aaravos later:

Likewise, the one person/creature we've seen referred to as a god outside the Epic of the Void poem is Avizandum by Harrow (bonus points for the game motif of "entire armies have fallen like toys" because of him):

Bloodmoon Huntress also asserts that from an elven point of view (or at least Lain and Tiadrin, and presumably Runaan, too) that "Dragons are the lifeblood, the very core of Xadia" and generally assumed that dragons have the most powerful connection to their individual primal sources.

So I'd be willing to wager (esp since Sol Regem is at least 1,2000+ years old) that Archdragons at least once upon a time had been contemporaries of the First Elves if not peers. What and why that connection exists and how relevant it is for today, I don't know, but I do think there's something there, especially since the one example we have of a First Elf-Dragon relationship in Aaravos, Avizandum, and Zubeia, was perceived to be positive somewhat on all sides — a matter of trust on his end (in order to be "betrayed") and a matter of reverence and importance on theirs; "admired and loved by all" / "you meant something to him".

There is also something to be said for the Archdragons being the most powerful embodiment of the primal sources (alongside maybe some rare and noteworthy elves, like Queen Aditi) still being "unable to risk a direct confrontation" with only one singular and Fallen Startouch elf. What would a whole slew of them at the height of their power look like? (And yet it is implied that the Nova Blade is "ivory draconic" so... maybe you just have to get a First Elf close enough to the mouth to be consumed / bitten? Or perhaps the Nova Blade is made from the tooth/claw of a 'Star' arcanum dragon.)

TLDR; it's looking more and more like Startouch elves as we understand them and First Elves in generally are — while emotive and feeling the way humans and elves are — something very different from anything else we've seen thus far in terms of knowledge and power skill, and that distinction is only going to be made more and more apparent as the story goes on.

Theory #3: Where do we go from here?

So if Deep Magic is distinct from Primal, and is distinct from 2/3 kinds of Deep Magic in dark magic (derived from 5-primal and Power deep magic thoughts)... where do we go from here, magically speaking?

Well, the important thing to note is that the story has given us some thematic clues. Aaravos is concerned with exile and power, both things we see thematically most represented by human characters (with some elven exceptions like Karim and Kim'Dael). The other Star touch elves are very on brand for "Xadian exile" as their favourite punishment as well as extreme isolationism ("I knew I had to be strong alone" etc). Therefore, whatever answer we give Magically also has to reconcile these issues from a thematic and character based standpoint.

It seems like a switch of where people are concentrating energy — for Startouch elves and humans — needs to have a drastic shift to one of the other veins/concepts of deep magic that will hopefully heal the rifts. If Aaravos is Power (humans) and the others are 'Mind' (Xadian indifference/isolation and banishment) for lack of a better idea, then subverting that binary and shifting more to a third 'Love' path seems to be very on brand for TDP. Holding both at the same time but being guided by a higher principle of peace and harm reduction is what Ezran's 4x03 speech is all about, after all.

Something something both Xadia and magic and the First Elves being reunited with Xadia / humanity and elvenkind as TDP's endgame, something something.

Other Gift Giving Thoughts

The other thing I wanna talk about now that everything else is laid out is how gifts are Given, in TDP. We see time and time again relationships and magic systems being framed on the idea of whether they are giving, taking, both in a bad way or in a good way. There seems to be two main indicators for gift giving, therefore, either that in the receiver is worthy, or that the exchange is going to be reciprocal.

At its best, a gift works as intended.

Humans (and elves?) are given primal magic and generally use it for exploration and to care for themselves / one another The sun seed is given to the Sunfire elves, but they must nurture it. Callum gives Rayla her father's bow and she uses it to protect them. Callum achieves enlightenment and understanding of him and is rewarded with primal magic twice, even if the Ocean in particular is a bit murkier than he'd probably like. Gifts and belongings are relinquished or restored for freedom, for hope, for peace.

Here we have to wonder if Leola's Last Wish reconciles both the Goodbye gift motif and the gift of Magic motif, possibly resulting in the gift of the sun seed or more likely something to do with primal magic / alleviate the fallout of dark magic's consequences.

For example, to get an answer from Rex Igneous — a seeming wealth of knowledge — you have to give him a worthy gift that is also a sacrifice of some kind, according to Nath'an.

However, Ezran points out the major flaw in this line of thinking, as "We offered gifts that meant a lot to us, but the truth is, they don't mean anything to you." Not everyone is going to value the same thing or think the same thing is worth the price that was paid.

We see this interpersonally most with the mage fam ("Maybe the world would be better off without magic" from Soren, whose life was saved with it) and with Rayla and Callum (as Rayla's gift of sacrifice by leaving is something Callum did not want and rightfully did not receive well, alongside her moonstone pendant). Again: what is defined as worthy, or worthiness, is in the eye of the beholder.

Just like one of the initial thoughts that inspired this meta, Khessa asserts that dark magic is a magic that "takes" > being reciprocal for both parties, nevermind a gift. The irony, however, runs a bit deeper, as Aaravos thinks the same of his fellow stars:

But the stars kept from them one secret still: that their first lesson—patience—was not a gift of the stars at all. You see, patience is a lesson the humans taught themselves. No, the stars do not know patience, for they have no need for it. The stars want for nothing, and take all to their liking.

And we see this idea of a 'false gift' show up time and time again in the series. Nyx pretends to offer passage but actually wants to steal Zym; Rayla's act of love in leaving is a curse upon Callum's heart and wellbeing; dark magic itself is a false trade of sorts, given how unevenly it tips scales in Aaravos' favour and how much it ruins both the environment and body of its caster.

[The elven thief Lasair] never saw the precious blossoms fade and turn to cold ashes when exposed to the dawn. They never learned their gift was perceived as a curse, not a trade. 

—Tales of Xadia

Kim'Dael goes to Queen Aditi under false pretences ("The Queen's Mercy") but the gift that Aditi gives her is nothing good at all:

What pretty bauble, she wondered, had she tricked the queen into forging as a token of protection? What could be powerful enough to ward away the wrath of dragons?

Just as humans sought the stars' help to protect them from the ire of the dragons, Kim'Dael sought Aditi's. And just as Aaravos offered them a false magic that would protect and ultimately trap/destroy then, so does Aditi, with magic that doesn't seem to be entirely dark or primal:

“But know this: the binding around your neck—it is made with magic not unlike your own. It is a magic that demands, that takes."

A form of magic even maybe that demands sacrifice for that kind of Power.

You could almost say it's something Deeper.

Conclusion

Hope you enjoyed going completely off the rails with me, and that this long (winded) post got you thinking! I'll probably do a followup discussing the implications of what we have here for potential Laurelion-Aaravos later. In the meantime, take the fruits of my labour, and spin your own hamster wheels if you'd like.

[mx-pokirby]

(Apologies, this will maybe be gross. Use your Blocked Words lists)

"Hearing rushing water makes you have to pee" "Putting a sleeping person's hand in warm water makes them pee" "If you have a dream about water/peeing, you are pissing your bed"

Idk if it's just me but wtf were people & TV on about when I was growing up?

I won't lie, I probably took longer than other kids to finally stop wetting the bed (/using pull-ups) as a kid. It wasn't stress related or whatever else TV suggests as a cause, it's just subconscious muscle control and I was a very deep/heavy sleeper.

Anyways I remember *never* understanding that list of tropes when I was still a bed wetter. I could recognize the tropes when they happened, I just thought (and still do) that they're stupid and unrealistic.

I'm fairly certain that in the years after we stopped wetting the bed, not only have we had a fair handful of dreams where we go to the bathroom for a part; but usually it involves *uncontrollable* pissing, just absolutely inhuman volumes of liquid, toilet overflowing and I can barely stand up and it's all disgusting like I'm projectile vomiting upside down and I'm panicking and just want it to be over.

And then I wake up completely dry, no fear of any alternative, and not even the urge to rush to the bathroom. Just a dream like any other. (Sensationally, upon waking, not in contents)

Maybe there's *something* one can read into with these dreams, but the message ain't that I need to use the can.

Last night we dreamt we got a UTI, and couldn't stop pissing bloody water for like a solid 4(?) minutes. Woke up. Dry. Obviously. There's no plot twist. Maybe I'm just too autistic to understand this fucking "piss meta" you've all invented.

[gayeowulfe]

I’ve been seeing all these headcanons of Edward being angry at Stede when he comes back and Stede being solely apologetic and regretful for leaving Ed and while that’s all fine and dandy, what I really wanna see is a Stede that’s almost as angry with Ed as Ed is with Stede. Edward ABANDONED basically Stede’s ENTIRE CREW on a desert island, left them to die! I don’t know about you, but the reaction Stede had to Calico Jack killing Karl- kicking Jack off his ship and standing up for Buttons, being a Captain™-tells me that finding his crew marooned isn’t gonna sit well with him.

Stede’s obviously got a lot to apologize for, but so does Edward. He’s gonna have to make A LOT of amends before their relationship can continue and flourish in a healthy way, otherwise the fact that Edward tried to kill most of Stede’s crew is gonna get in the way. Because sure, be angry, be livid and hurt at Stede, he left him on that dock all night after Ed’d given up everything for him, but what the hell does the crew have to do with that? They had no fault, no hand in Stede’s (admittedly panicked and ultimately necessary) decision, so where does Edward get the right to take it out on the crew?

So Edward and Stede are gonna have to have a LONG conversation where they both apologize for a lot of things they both did wrong before the relationship can pick back up where they left it.

[guiltybystanders]

Beastars has ended! Two days ago, but I didn’t realize until today... And that ending... I have thoughts about it. Mostly that Beastars was a great story that completely lost its way in the last arc.

Warning for spoilers for the whole series, though this is focused more on a few big picture problems instead of individual characters and plotlines that got shafted.

I still really like Beastars, even if I'm no longer as gung-ho about recommending it to people after the last arc. The characters (when being paid adequate attention) were complex people with compelling flaws and fascinating worldviews. The worldbuilding (apart from a few bits of weirdness and the end) was some of the most interesting and thought-out I've read this past year, especially for something that starts as a slice of life story. And the commentary on gender (because this is definitely a story about gender) was nuanced and explored from many angles, and honestly a very thoughtful take on (non-toxic but still distinctly masculine) masculinity. Tho, for a story about gender and forbidden love, the fact there was next to no acknowledgment of LGBT themes was strange and actually made it a weaker story. Louis should have been gay tbh. Overall, there's a lot there to recommend.

Unfortunately, the best parts of the series (the complicated worldbuilding and how that society affected the characters, and the psychology of those characters) were less focused on than external forces and fighting towards the end, as the pacing rocketed up and many subplots were dropped to speed to the ending as soon as possible. Beastars was never super realistic in its drama (Haru was captured by the fucking mafia back when it was still mostly slice of life) but before the last arc, it still mostly felt internally-focused—it was a character-focused drama despite crazy action subplots. For instance, Legosi's training arc was undeniably an anime training arc, but more so it was about him struggling to be strong without eating meat, culminating in the scene where he does take a life by eating a bug. Even when shit got shonen, it was still a story of masculinity and finding your place in society, and I didn't mind the crazier aspects of that because it still felt mostly dedicated to the characters' emotional states (and the crazy shit was often sick as hell tbh.) I didn't feel the same way later on—Legosi still thought about what he was feeling, but almost always through dramatic monologues (often during fights) instead of moments of true self-reflection, and many of the supporting characters were sidelined with their potential wasted (such as Haru, who not only was never given her own storyline like she deserved, but also was still treated as Legosi's main motivation and yet was barely shown in his life.) The plot wasn't what drew me to Beastars—the characters and world were—but the plot is what got the focus in the end. And with the ending and the worldbuilding; the complete destruction of the Back Alley Market after one single moment felt pretty antithetical to a lot of other parts of the series—the Back Alley Market was challenged throughout the whole series as something to change and overcome, but we were also shown it was not so simple to completely end carnivore urges. To wrap it up in one big dramatic moment kind of destroys a lot of the best aspects of the worldbuilding, which was so horribly morally complicated.

There are parts of the last arc I did like, or at least think had potential if done differently, but none are enough to justify the last part of the manga. I liked Melon, at first. I think he brought some fascinating ideas to the story, ones that would have really shined had his arc been better written and paced. As it was, he became less compelling to me as time went on and the story became about defeating him instead of who the characters were as people, and his own character became more melodramatic. I liked the story of Legosi's mom, which only came after Melon's introduction. But then the part with Gosha's wife's suicide didn't really make much sense and felt shoehorned in to me. I liked Yahya’s introduction and his dynamic with Gosha. But I feel like his character was never fully unpacked, and his past with Gosha (while fun) sometimes overshadowed learning about his ideals or what it meant to actually be the Beastar. I loved seeing the "world of adults" in the city, and all of Legosi's neighbors. But they were largely written out as well, just as surely as most of the Cherryton students were. And the Cherryton characters were written out, even ones that seemed important, like Juno and Bill. The most egregious example of a character being written out was Haru: she started out as one of the three main characters with her own complex problems and worldview—and it was Legosi's feelings about her that motivated him throughout the entire story—but by the end, she was barely even a character, her own problems inconsistently addressed and glossed over, mostly showing up just for Legosi to Feel A Thing He Needs To For Plot. As it is... I can't help but think that it would have been best to end the story when Legosi caught the killer and left school, when things were relatively tied up, even if that would have come at the expense of some parts I really did like.

The ending dropped the ball on a lot of accounts—forgetting subplots, sidelining characters, oversimplifying the worldbuilding, bizarre pacing—and that really is a damn shame. However, I still like the beginning and the middle enough that I like this series overall, and in the end I'm glad I read it.

[eisforeidolon]

The amount of pure insecure NO U!!! just bleeding off that post sure is something. Poor ol' dotty as hell Dot just can't admit such inept attempts at a reverse uno are not going to convince anyone who isn't already eyeballs deep in the cult. Hell, I'm not even sure she's convincing herself at this point.

We respect most of the supporting cast just fine. We just recognize they were in a proportional fraction of the show and lack authority to speak about it beyond their very limited involvement. Especially if they're trying to speak over or contrary to others with more authority (or if they constantly change their stories). Unlike Dot and her ilk who want to pretend Jared and Jensen don't have any right to speak on their characters or the overarching themes, despite being involved in every single episode of the show and being the only ones on the cast regularly allowed to make changes. No matter how much or how little of the show they were in, only people who tell us what we want to hear have the right to speak about it! You don't say.

We understand that hating any individual character or actor has sweet fuckall to do with media literacy, just personal preference and (over)investment. Dot and her weirdo crew want to make hating Jared/Sam while worshiping Misha/Cass and their fanon Dean/blowup doll version of Jensen some kind of righteous moral stance everyone has to agree with because ... wahhhh my ship!!!

Yes, we are the actual fans of the tv show, Supernatural. We know the show was about the brothers before everyone else because it's right there out in the open, obvious as hell. The arcs that actually existed in the show revolved around that premise, season after season, and the finale hammered it home. There's no projection or interpretation required, it's literally right fucking there. This is the CW's Supernatural not highbrow literature, erudition my ass.

They're only fans of their own imaginations, which would be fine if they didn't insist that was actually the show despite, you know, the show. Forget the obvious thematic arcs smacking us in the face, forget what the characters blatantly said and did over and over! No, no, no, there must be super secret hidden clues to the REAL meaning in there for the REAL fans! True understanding of the show could only come from those who furiously wrote thousands upon thousands of words of meta trying to interpret a romantic arc into existence by sheer force of word vomit from random minutiae! Just because it never once was part of the actual narrative doesn't mean it wasn't totes real! When they're trying to pretend that's not all they care about, they insist the bare couple of times in fifteen years characters said family is more than blood was totally an arc more central than the brothers relationship by the end - you only have to ignore almost literally everything the brothers actually did and the vast majority of what they said. It was there! It was! Network sabotage! Homophobia! Help, help, I'm being oppressed by a tv show not being rewritten to my personal specifications! I'm a REAL fan of the show, I deserve to dictate what it's about! But it totally was about what I say it was about! There is absolutely no contradiction here!

Which doesn't even get into the bizarre creative reinterpretation acrobatics of insisting Misha was a lead because he was on some magazine covers sometimes. Sure, he didn't have the screentime or the billing but maGAzInE cOvERs! So even if he constantly changes his story, that's more valid than anything Jared ever says! They also listen to Jensen! Just because they creatively reinterpret or selectively ignore what he says, mostly to pretend he means literally the opposite of what he's actually saying, that doesn't mean they don't! (Either that or they insist he's a poor backwards yokel idiot who will soon Learn To Do Better.)

We have the show. We don't have to pretend huge swaths of it don't exist or have secret hidden meanings directly contradicting the explicit ones. We have J2, who don't constantly contradict their own stories about the show and their characters' places in it.

Hellers and other malcontents like Dot have literally nothing but projection, reinterpretation, bonkers conspiracy theories, and Misha's desperation for money. You just need a super secret decoder ring and it becomes very clear ... that they need to get a fucking grip already, it's been four years!

HAHAHAHA The funniest post I've seen in days. "We have no rights to claim to be a fan." Says a heller, someone who only watched for a non existent ship, also someone who hates the lead.

This is another one of those, "how dare we disrespect the loser extras" while they actively hate on the lead. Sit the fuck down and shut up. You have zero rights here, Dottie. It was always about the brothers, the only one who's erasing the actual themes are you. By the way, we're allowed to dislike any character we want. It's like this with every show. There are characters people love, characters people hate. And what we dislike about them, is the actors have become ungrateful brats for the amount of episodes they were in.

So stay mad, we'll continue to dislike them. Someone who hates the show has no business calling us "not a fan." This is rich. 😂😂😂

[extasiswings]

this is about to be some extreme word vomit, but Eddie joining the 133 is so sexy for multiple reasons, number one being the "stick it to the man" of it all. like, newsflash eddie, i don't know if you are aware of this but you are crumbling like a snowman in hell. but is that gonna stop him?? nope ! man said i WILL be a liability in the field and no one can stop me. i'm just so fucking fascinated by the idea of him? revenge searching for a new stationhouse? inserting himself into some sort of bastardized version of "family" as Revenge for being stripped (in his thinking) of his own. (and again, not to make everything about his family dynamics, but there's something to be said about replacement family when you consider how eddie joined the 118 upon leaving el paso, but that's a meta for another day). just absolutely obsessed with that and, if we're continuing with the season 3 parallels, it is giving very much so "i want my job back so i'm gonna sue for it" i'm on the fucking floor

the other thing is the whole idea of the dispatch fire. like, we assumed eddie would be at dispatch when the fire happened, but if both he (in the 133) and the 118 arrive on the scene? especially if this is the first major emergency where buck and eddie are in the same vicinity but still aren't together??? i mean, god, that takes their distance to a whole new level. like how do you stand in the same place, doing the same thing, only feet away from each other, and still are not Together? absolutely insane. i would eat my arm if we got anything like this, especially if buck and eddie fell into their old routine automatically, without even stopping to consider their new partners or eddie's new captain.

you have planted an idea in my brain and it is not going away any time soon, i hate you

So I didn’t get around to answering this before this theory was well and truly blown to hell (although, Eddie borrowing 118 gear during the dispatch fire, my absolute beloved) but everyone else deserves to see our sexy and unhinged speculation glory. RIP to one of the best theories of 5B so far 😂

[kitkatpancakestack]

Hi! Follow up question to that ask about Buck's awareness (or lack of awareness) of his feelings for Eddie. What is your take on Eddie's relationship to his feelings about Buck? @evcndiaz once said that Eddie is incredibly self-aware and it really stuck with me. I think about how his self-awareness gives him sophisticated tools to compartmentalize his feelings in strategic ways.

Anyway, we know it's a lot more complicated than a simple binary question of does Eddie know/is Eddie in denial? What is your sense of Eddie's emotional landscape right about now?

(Your metas bring me so much joy I cannot tell you 💜)

Hey bestie! First of all, Thank you! I'm glad someone enjoys reading my word vomit lmao 😂 I have so much fun writing them and I'm glad they can bring joy to others! I'm just here to have a good time and find that serotonin hit , y'know?

Let's dive right in. Absolutely Eddie is all about control, and absolutely this translates to a white-knuckled grip on his own life.

But. "Compartmentalize his feelings in strategic ways," you say. I love that wording, because it's super applicable to his character, and I've talked in a different meta about how he views his worth as an extension of Christopher's existence, and I think that would tie into any feelings he has toward Buck. It's not a mistake that pretty much every major Buck and Eddie moment involves Christopher. Most if not all of Eddie's major gestures toward Buck involve Christopher, because Eddie's value is contingent upon Christopher, and so he is the proxy through which Eddie can express and receive love. Eddie's throw-down with Shannon wasn't a dilemma about what he wanted, it was ultimately about giving Christopher a mother figure. His tragic self-destructive streak in S3 still wasn't about him healing for the sake of his own mental well-being, but so Christopher wouldn't suffer the consequences. He courts Ana because he's still stuck on Shannon and re-creating that mother-father-son picture that's been shoved into his head since forever.

I see myself in this part of Eddie. It's the whole, "You accept the love you think you deserve," only, what happens when you don't think you deserve any? When you shape your entire existence around being life-support for your son, until you look around and realize you have built nothing for yourself? I mean, damn, I don't want that for Eddie, and I think ( I hope!) Eddie's next character arc is about him making a space for himself, separate from Chris.

This is my house so I can say what I want, and I truly believe the end of S4 was Eddie's first selfish act. Because, the show implies everything Eddie did with Ana etc. was for Christopher, not himself, and then we're given Carla's big redirect, and then the Will Scene. There's something so deliciously selfish about Eddie naming Buck as Christopher's de facto legal guardian. Something about the way it probably wouldn't make sense to anybody on the outside looking in, something about the way Buck is no more guaranteed safety than Eddie, something about the way Eddie still hides behind Christopher during the scene but just barely below the surface is the whispered, You are what I want for him, this is my decision, it might not make sense but this is what feels right for me.

Oof, I have no idea where this has ended up, but what I'm trying to say is, I think Eddie is just now opening himself up to carving out space for himself to separately exist from everything else, including and especially from his son and the memories of Shannon. And I think this is the headspace he would have to be in to explore whatever his feelings are toward Buck. With Shannon and Ana he didn't put a whole lot of himself on the line. He never dared to consider a factor besides Christopher. But with Buck, it's selfish by default; it's putting himself out there exposed and vulnerable; it's him having to ask for things and want things and need things, explicitly for himself, apart from Chris. Mmm. I love it.

Thanks @yramesoruniverse, I had a blast with this like always!

[vrishchikawrites]

About YZY leaving YMJ/JFM with her kids Post-WWX Arrival

Dear Dee, feel free to delete or ignore this or post it, whatever floats your boat. This just stuck in my head after those posts and I had to blurt it all to someone. Thanks for taking the time to read my word vomit.

So I had to do this instead of an ask because it got long and I wasn't sure how many asks it'd need or how short I could cut it down without losing parts of the argument. And then other things came up as I was writing and, well.  Well..... >_>;;;; 

But you know, after that post/ask you had about YZY fics saying 'Fuck U' to YMJ/JFM & leaving both with her kids, I had a sarcastic 'yeah right' attitude about it. Mainly due to a lot of negation emotions to such an abusive (and delusional) bitch, partly due to how she wouldn't do that since it doesn't seem to be something her sort of character would consider either because she'd think of it as 'losing' (losing what, IDK, it's why I consider her type of person crazy) or she legit wouldn't think about such a viable action.

But then later, in the shower, I seriously went 'Wait, she can't fucking do that' and it wouldn't be about how MXTX uses her as a part of the narrative but entirely about the/their culture in the novel; the actions that have and would be taken in response; and her entire toxic personality as well.

1) We already know that the sects and the cultivation world in general is sexist, elitist and so Capital T 'Traditional' to the point that it's starting to petrify and any deviancy from this is an exception rather than the norm. YZY might be a madame of a great sect (for what that's worth considering how shit of a madame she's been and the titles she's chosen for herself) but she's still a woman even with her high rank and the things she's personally accomplished.

Even if she was in her rights to leave a 'bad' marriage, she'd be the one who'd get scolded more instead of JFM by her natal family, her former husband's family and by their entire society at large even if she had a few singular supporters. Because That's Not How Things Are Done in their society and I do believe that such a thing was rare even when it was accepted method by the upper echelons. Especially since it would have to be done by more than YZY simply deciding that She Wants Out and just- goes and Gets Out. With no serious allegations that would allow her to divorce or separate from YMJ/JFM without the input from her family, JFM's family and, I think, possibly some measure of compensation as well. And no, having or bringing in a 'bastard child' is not a serious enough offence for such a humongous decision. I think something more along the lines of treason or crimes against multiple, high-ranking parties would be more along the lines. Maybe.

And even if she does this, she'd be considered 'Used Goods' (such a terrible comment) and there'd be no other good/proper marriage prospects for a divorced woman with children let alone a woman like YZY with her entire abrasive personality and attitude put off even easy-going JFM.

(If she'd been widowed then it'd be more forgiven but I consider that a Real Bad End since, IMO, it would lead to the sudden and inevitable decline of YMJ either via mass exodus of disciples and/or residents of LP; being merged with another sect due to it's unstable leadership; or create an internal political war 'cause I bet you anything that the YMJ Elders/relatives (if they have any) Would Not Want YZY in charge of YMJ when she's already proven herself such a shit betrothed let alone madame.)

2) Speaking of families, while YMJ/JFM/LP as a whole might be glad to see YZY's back, I don't think her natal sect, MSY, will be glad to see her come storming back after all the effort they put into getting that particular marriage alliance with YMJ. And if she brings her children with her? Oh man, oh boy- mother or not, that could be considered as kidnapping or line theft (is that a thing?) especially if YZY is also seriously considering divorce proceedings and raising them as Yu and not Jiang. That could give leave to, for anyone more unforgiving and maybe JFM if he's pushed enough, disown both JYL and JWY from the Jiangs through no fault of their own (though I'm sure YZY would make it so as well as blame JFM for her own decisions and mistakes).

Therefore, any inheritance or benefits they might gain for being legitimised children of a great sect are forfeited. JYL will likely lose that betrothal with JZX because JGS will drop it like a hot potato and JWY won't be a sect heir because YZY literally decided to remove that by deciding to raise JWY as a Yu, no matter their blood relation to JFM. They leave him, they leave YMJ and everything attached with it. Which is if YMJ/JFM doesn't demand MSY to give back their heir/ess and to punish YZY for her actions. Or send all three of them back for the appropriate reactions/decisions.

Their society would demand no less in reaction because, to them, it would seem like YZY had gone mad and JFM would look weak (or weaker) and imply that YMJ is vulnerable and exploitable if JFM doesn't do something in response to her actions. That's not even getting into what the other smaller sects may try to do in an attempt to curry favour with YMJ or what LLJ or QSW would try in order to destroy or diminish YMJ. And whether JFM chooses to demand his children back or not, it may not change the fact that this may give him reason enough to choose a nephew or niece to be the new sect heir especially if, even after getting rid of YZY's poisonous influence, JWY grows up to be his mother's child more than his father's or even his own person.

Either way, such a thing would bring great backlash on YZY, and MSY as well as the collateral. No one would want to give face to her or her children because it would bring up some very uncomfortable questions and scenarios to the other sects- specifically, what would happen if the female members of their clans/sets decided to follow the footsteps of YZY and leave with their children and heirs. Especially if they use it as an excuse to leave for their own comfort and whims and not some legitimate wrongs and dangers. That would create some more restrictions on women thanks to YZY

3) And lastly, if any one of those idiot YZY stans think that she'd ever give up the status of being a madame of a great sect they'd be as crazy or crazier than her. YZY is all about status and power and face. Specifically, her status, power and face and how people in her reach reflect her or 'insult' her. She is a selfish, terrible, abusive and toxic person and can only see people in regards to how they would benefit her and the elevation of her and in no other way. Especially her family. They cannot be their own person, they can only be an extension of her and gods forbid they go against her.

We can see this in how she treats the people she supposedly loves. JFM? Arguments day in, day out along with accusations and slander of cheating, having one(1) supposed 'bastard' and being 'in love' with CSSR. Which all seems sus as hell. And that's when she's actually there and not out 'night hunting'. Even her 'training' seems to border on unhelpful rather then helpful if my vague recollections of juniors fainting from exhaustion can be relied upon (please call me out if they're not or find proof).

JYL? Berated by not being 'strong' but not helped at all to be 'strong'. It doesn't help that YZY seems to believe in the same standards strength in their society- that is, of martial masculine strength which does not and should not apply to JYL who has been said to be sickly. Which means h should have been learning a different way of cultivation/fighting anyway.  If that was something she wanted and had been offered in the first place- which I doubt. That isn't even getting into her repeated generational trauma mess of a betrothal which was decided only by those 'sworn sisters', accepted by her as a way out of her terrible home life and puts her squarely within reach of JGS who we know to be a womaniser, rapist, predator and a possible ephebophile considering we don't know the exact age of his youngest 'conquest' or the age of MZY's mother when they met which could be anywhere from 14 to 21.

JWY? Gods, so much meta on him and his(non-) relationships with his parents that I don't think I can contribute more to it. It's been all said and done. Unless people want me to stir the pot by saying that, maybe, just maybe, YZY resents JWY as much as she 'loves' him.Either because he's her son and yet never manages to 'accomplish as much' as WWX or because he's a boy and therefore, more benefits and allowances than a girl/woman- more than anything that YZY ever got without either a fight or screaming at someone about. *shrug*

So, in conclusion to this sudden an unexpected essay that I wrote(I'm so sorry about that, I thought it would be shorter -.-;;;;), YZY leaving YMJ/JFM with her kids? Impossible. Not without some sort of personality transplant or a complete AU. She's too prideful, too bitter, too angry, too everything negative and little positive. She's a resentful product of the values and restraints of her society taken to the extreme negative with a willingness to inflict her pain on others to an abusive degree. But she's also too obsessed and reliant on those same values and restraints to keep up the image of her status. So her? Giving those up? You'd be more likely to see WRH as a doting grandfather than that.

---

Dee - All of this is true and yes YZY leaving YMJ is highly unlikely. While there will be consequences if she decides to leave, she does canonically lives separately from her husband. They seem to be in a situation where they are married but living separately, which was a common way to end a marriage (at least in spirit) back then. She essentially had all the perks of being Madam Jiang but fulfilled none of the responsibilities.

Afaik, her training the Jiang disciples is a donghua thing? I may be wrong but I recall she spent most of her time nighthunting.

As for taking her children along with her- that's completely impossible. At that point, children were the property of the father. She could leave but she would've never been allowed to take JC.

[ouyangzizhensdad]

OYZZD TOP 10 POSTS of 2021

2021 may have been a horrible, terrible year, but I guess I also posted content 🤷‍♂️ so gaze upon my wretchedness:

Common Accusations about the novel, 4k words vomited back at a ‘why the novel sucks’ list, and peer-reviewed as my number #1 post of 2021

The Romantic subtext vs Romantic Text post

The review of The Soup Incident in both c/ql and mdzs

My thoughts on what makes a good adaptation

When I turned out to be Nosferatu Nostradamus

This ask about cql and the choice to keep one more mark on mxy for jgy

This ask which..... is better experienced rather than summarised.

My “anti-mxtx voice” posts (1, 2) because I have an illness and it’s called thinking I’m funny

The (un)intentional sexual innuendo in c./ql that made my friend and I lose our shit

This discussion of lwj’s presence at Buyetian and the effect on the plot

Because there is not a lot of meta in there, as a bonus, under the cut, find a roaster of oyzzd Paint memes of the 2021:

[faersflower]

Sorry that gifset that @yourtinseltinkerbell made just really got me thinking ⁠—

I feel like another part of the anger and frustration with The Magicians is that it was a show that acted smarter than it was. The show performed in a way that was tonally consistent with how the writers portrayed Quentin.

Quentin is a nerd ⁠— the type who over-analyzes, picks apart subtext, debates meaning in the works he's interested in, and he constantly references the books of Fillory. He's introduced knowing more about the things that people are talking about and he's Telling Them his meta on these topics like they're supposed to know or care as deeply about these things as he does ⁠— that is who Quentin is. That's how he's portrayed! And it works, he works, and it gave viewers who are like that a character to project upon. Because he is like us, and this is new, and this is fresh! So of course people who are like this, aka like Quentin found the show.

And the show is written in a similar tonal way. There's lots of meta jokes, they comment about other shows and media. But then the writers also did not understand the way that this show itself was also a show. It had its own footprint in the exact same things that the show was in a lot of ways making a commentary on. And I don't think that the writers ever actually understood the meta that they were trying to create enough to get that.

I think the writers are actually a lot like Julia in the scene where she is introduced. Where she is talking to Quentin about this girl wearing a unicorn shirt and of course she is also into fantasy so why shouldn't you like her? But no you're in here reading Obscure Fantasy by yourself. And I feel like that is who the writers are. They're outside of this thing and only into it shallowly, trying to write about and act like they are into the deep, dark obscure shit. But really they only read like one or two of the Main Fantasy books everyone knows about.

Idk this is just a bunch of word vomit and me just trying to understand what the fuck happened.

[ohallows]

on hamid’s character arc in season 4

hi have a lot of words on hamid meta because this quite literally has been living in my head rent-free, and for me, writing shit down and working through it in my head is how i exorcise some of it. 

this is going to touch upon hamid’s character arc as it stands in season 4 and how, personally, i feel like hamid has a lot of potential as a character but some of that potential has been lost this season. don’t get me wrong, i really do like hamid as a character in concept, but there’s been a really hard disconnect between what i enjoyed about him in the previous seasons and how i feel like his character arc has been going so far in s4 (this is being written around the early 160s, so grain of salt). i really haven’t been able to put my thumb on a lot of the reasons why hamid’s characterisation has felt kind of… both all over the place and stagnant to me, but i think i’ve finally worked it out in my head so i’m gonna word vomit and get some meta out so that i can relax about my emotions regarding hamid this season.

DISCLAIMERS:

these are all my own thoughts and im not trying to say that this is how it should have been done, or that i’m right, or that this would have been better, im just sharing my perspective and my own opinions on why i think hamid’s character has fallen flat for me this season. 

i don’t really want to get into the problems i have with how he’s been built as a character (mostly re: him basically being given a completely white bg and having zero connection/disconnection with his culture as an egyptian man) so i am going to do my best to put all that aside and not affect my views of him for now.

okay? okay. cool. i have done my level best to section this off into something that makes a semblance of sense.

first: how rome affected azu and hamid

okay. i love early s4 hamid. mostly because there’s a super interesting dichotomy between his optimism of getting sasha and grizzop back, and how Absolutely Incredibly Tense and Driven he is. 

hamid and azu come out of rome, having saved their families, but having lost sasha and grizzop. and, once they’re back, boom. it’s been eighteen months, they have no idea if their families are okay, and a strange infection has, mostly, taken over the world. it’s all bad out there. and hamid and azu are, nearly immediately, expected to go and save it again. 

azu is just. completely closed off to the world (except hamid) and much more… hopeless is a good word? she’s clearly not dealing well with the fact that sasha and grizzop are gone, canonically blames herself for losing them, and is Not Willing to have a grief conversation because there is Other stuff that needs to be done (again, a really good character choice). she doesn’t buy into hamid’s optimism but is mostly unwilling to try and take it from him; but, i dont think there’s a moment where azu thinks that they can get sasha and grizzop back. 

hamid, meanwhile, is kind of spiraling? not in the usual way, not panicking or anything, but. he feels as though he’s strung together with one final string. and i think this makes a lot of sense - a lot has happened, especially recently, and hamid being incredibly tense, on-edge, and ready to snap at any moment made a lot of sense when you consider hamid’s character. it was a dynamic i was incredibly excited to see play out, mostly bc there’s nothing i love more than some sweet sweet catharsis after an emotional pop. (we didn’t get the catharsis or the pop. more on that later)

anyways, the point is, hamid comes across as being incredibly tense at the onset of season 4. for a number of reasons. 

let’s talk about sasha and grizzop. 

for most of season 4, hamid is using the both of them as, honestly, his sole motivator. this is much more clear at the beginning of the season, when he is very much so ‘one track mind’ about all of this. he wants curie to help him and azu look, he basically tells wilde that the only reason they’re doing this is to get it over with so that they can find sasha and grizzop, and he’s frustrated with each delay because it means more time before they can go and find their friends. again, a really good character choice that i found incredibly interesting, especially from a meta sense of, you know, actually knowing what happened. 

anyways, grizzop and sasha are heavily felt through the opening of the campaign. azu constantly references them, zolf asks after sasha, hamid collects daggers while in the institute… it’s nice. it’s a very well done way of showing that sasha and grizzop are still There, are still being thought about and cared about by the main characters sans cel (who doesn’t know them, so like… fair.). 

and then… they got the letter. another brilliant moment. both hamid and azu were noticeably emotional, both hugging after it had been read (zolf had stepped out bc he Literally Physically couldn’t deal with it) and afterward, azu goes over to the shrine and lights candles for grizzop and sasha. this has been brought up a few times, with azu referencing what’s happened to them, lighting candles, making references to her guilt and such. it’s been very good and very poignant. this is how she copes! hamid… okay, in that ep, he goes to talk to zolf, and they discuss some history, and then he asks zolf to tell him that its going to be okay. zolf doesn’t lie, and then hamid passes out from drunkenness and zolf carries him off to bed. and since then, there hasn’t been… anything from hamid wrt sasha and grizzop? and yes, of course, people cope in different ways, and closure affects people in different ways, but there’s definitely a stark difference between how hamid was acting in the beginning of the season wrt how he remembered sasha and grizzop and how he has been acting recently. 

i mostly bring this up because the thread of this post is about catharsis, and the lack of it in a certain part of hamid’s character arc. the letter is important because it *did* bring catharsis, and it brought an end to hamid being solely motivated by the need to find sasha and grizzop, and he actively engaged with it after the letter. this was Good Catharsis.

and now, on hamid and volatility

this is. super fascinating to me. i really, really like characters who are mostly soft-spoken and relatively calm until something bad happens, and then they unleash. and hamid’s character, for a while, fit that to a T. in a way, it still does. i think hamid’s reactions in times of stress showcase how he has grown since the beginning, and i want to focus specifically on three prior to s4 moments just to compare. 

the bit with dorian in paris is, in my mind, the first time hamid really, like… felt volatile? like. okay, so the mr ceiling stuff with him shutting down the machine was a calculated decision that hamid took after a week of studying what mr ceiling did and how it operated. but with dorian… they were stuck in a lockshop, the party was surrounded, wilde was unconscious on the floor, and dorian was (politely) threatening them. there wasn’t any sort of discussion of what should be done; hamid just reached out and burned him alive. this is the first, like, actual instance showing how hamid reacts to high-stress situations, and it was a good move (imo, even if i dont like him killing people) that showed how far hamid is willing to go to help protect his friends. it also showcased how far hamid has come since the beginning of the season, and how he’s been hardened thru his experiences. 

speaking of: barrett. hamid was terrified of barrett in the beginning. but. cairo, and damascus. when barrett tries to intimidate hamid into giving the ring to his brother, hamid doesn’t hesitate for a moment before telling barrett to back off, and that he doesn’t care what barrett does, he wont give the ring to saleh. a great moment of growth. i loved this speech. 

and we get it again in damascus! when barrett appears. and, honestly, nothing will outshine sasha’s speech about barrett being a man on the floor. i STILL have chills when lydia starts talking about how he’s not important. it’s amazingly done. but there is a very nice moment where it’s just. incredibly clear how much hamid doesn’t care about barrett anymore, and how he isn’t scared of him. it’s quiet, but it’s nicely done. good display of character growth - and, doesn’t hurt that there’s a moment where barrett eggs him on and hamid slaps him with a clawed hand before nearly swearing and then calming himself down.

onto the underground factory in damascus. when hamid finds out that his friends and family have been taken hostage by the cult of hades, he breathes fire for the first time. this was also an incredible moment that showcased how like… powerful hamid was? and how much he’s willing to hurt people who hurt his friends. this was another really good moment that showed good character growth from hamid. hell, if this had happened in season 1, he would probably have panicked and cried and not known what to do at all. but this shows that he’s grown a lot since then. 

now let’s talk about how different that it is season 4. which, again, *makes sense*. 

starting with wilde. lolomg have always had a… fractious relationship w wilde, but hamid has never been outright rude until 130, when he asks wilde if he’s sleeping with carter then immediately follows up saying that wilde’s libido shouldn’t be his judge of character. azu and zolf both are taken aback by the comment, and wilde acknowledges that it would have been a fair point months ago. hamid doesn’t really seem to regret the comment, regardless, and this is a far cry from how diplomatically he’s dealt with wilde in the past. he’s definitely been frustrated by wilde, but this was really the first time he’s lashed out at him. again, showing that hamid is slowly cracking and not dealing with the situation well.

and then. they meet cel. and hamid’s very carefully cultivated facade of ‘everything will be okay because it has to be okay’ starts to break down. another interesting and good (imo) character choice. he meets cel, immediately casts hold person on them, and spends the rest of that encounter incredibly, INCREDIBLY tense. this continues through making the boat - hamid has some weird vibes in 131 thru 134/135 that mostly i chalk up to him feeling unhelpful and thus not really knowing what to do. shoin’s island is much of the same. hamid being tense continues to be like. a focal point of how he’s dealing with everything, and he’s being incredibly reckless (casting dancing lights, casting the fireball to blow out the windows) and both azu and zolf lecture him about it, azu going so far as to pick him up and just stroke his back in a hug.   

again, this volatility? was *good*. showcasing how hamid’s intensity in times of high stress changed to recklessness, constant tension, and a drive to get things done quickly without thinking about the consequences makes A LOT OF SENSE. hamid is still clinging to the idea of sasha and grizzop being alive, and i touched on them being his hope earlier, but they very much so become his drive. everything hamid does after speaking to curie is very “go go go,” as much as it can be, because he wants to find his friends.

(side note: this was a running joke with me and some of my friends, but literally from about june 2019 - november 2019, every single episode drop was met with us chanting POP POP POP POP. i, in particular, was waiting for the moment where hamid (and azu, honestly, but in a much more muted way) snapped and lost it. i wrote multiple fics about the scenario, because from what i interpreted, hamid was just gonna go off and scream about how much he was hurting. there was going to be an explosion, he was going to shout at zolf for leaving, he was going to break down over sasha and grizzop, he was going to finally just let himself face everything he lost and all the actions he took and how stressful everything has been until then, and then - and then the pop just. well, it happened, in a way.)

again, all of the above? hamid snapping at wilde, being incredibly tense, lashing out, clinging to the hope of grizzop and sasha… they’re all really, really good character choices that make a lot of narrative sense and also strongly showcase the fact that hamid is. very much so not okay and is not, actually, coping well, despite what he wants the world to believe. and this is GOOD like! hamid just went through HELL, he just had to leave his little brother behind, he lost his friends, like… this makes so much sense in the grand scheme of things, and i think it started a really compelling narrative arc for hamid to go down (exploring how he cant save everyone, the emotional baggage he has wrt checking his uglier emotions, coming up against the emotional pop that would let some of the tension out, admitting that he *isnt okay*, the eventual catharsis with sasha and grizzop, etc). but then. something changed.

the tension dissipated, but, notably, importantly, the catharsis was completely missing. 

so. hamid killed a bunch of (drugged) kobolds. 

yeah. honestly, the kobold massacre choice in my head represents a huge turning point for hamid (or would have, if it went anywhere, which is the entire point im trying to make with this post). 

first: i’m not here to pass moral judgment on him for the decision - while i don’t completely agree with it and wished that there was another way out of the situation, i understand why the decision was made. i don’t even think it was the wrong decision, honestly. i’m just disappointed *nothing* has come from it. 

second: of course, all the party are murderers. yes. this is an undisputed fact. HOWEVER. none of the rest of the party have engaged with something to this scale before. when grizzop shot a mans legs off, he immediately regretted it and tried to heal them. azu was intentionally not trying to kill the kobolds in the institute and had to ensure that the mooks were evil before killing them (and also was vocally uncomfortable with hamid’s actions here). cel didn’t actually kill any kobolds, they just vomited spiders on some. the *point* is not to say that hamid has a different moral idea about killing, just that he took this action and hasn’t engaged with it whatsoever or addressed his actions in any way (unlike, for example, zolf’s moral crisis after mr ceiling or azu needing to confirm someone is truly evil before taking drastic measures). 

okay, so lets walk through the scene. hamid hears footsteps coming up the stairs. he goes down to look and sees kobolds around the stairs, who have been directed to go up the stairs. none of the kobolds seem like they want to. he also sees mooks there, and and then “heavy-hearted”, casts a fireball at them. the listener gets to hear loads of what sound like small children being burned alive, and then hamid returns, explaining what happened. cel asks if they were attacking, and hamid says yes. cel asks if they were armed, and hamid lies, saying yes (ooc, bryn doesn’t gain this information until later, so hamid initially making the decision to kill them based on them having weapons doesn’t. really work in this scenario). both cel and azu seem incredibly uncomfortable with this, and zolf doesn’t seem pleased, but accepts the decision.

this situation turns into people comforting hamid; he’s clearly upset with the decision, and cel gives him a hug. then, they go and look, as they have to return through the room in order to go back to the bottom of the tower. hamid goes green (side note: me [handshake emoji] helen, yelling at hamid to vomit bc he deserves it). anyway, cel steers hamid through, picking him up and technobabbling to try and distract him. hamid is happy to be distracted. (fast forward, idk, 30 minutes, and hamid is smiling about a kobold dropping into a bow and calling him ‘my liege’)

this, specifically, is the thing that bothers me about it: hamid being viscerally uncomfortable in this situation is *good*. he should be uncomfortable. he should be incredibly uncomfortable. and, for a bit, he is. 

except the reaction… just COMPLETELY disappears after, oh, a single episode. here’s where things, in my opinion, get a bit… muddled. because like. this was an incredibly fascinating move and, honestly, a really, REALLY good sign of how close hamid was to cracking - the kobold massacre easily could have been the tipping point, and i very much so expected it to be. but then it just kind of… stops. all of hamid’s volatility is gone, all the tension that i’d felt building as a listener was gone, all the building up for hamid’s explosion was gone, and not in a way that felt like it had actually exploded. killing the kobolds was (literally) the explosion. but there was minimal to no aftermath of the explosion. 

this entire decision just. fades into the background. it doesn’t stick. hamid kills loads of kobolds, has a minor breakdown that lasts all of five minutes and paints hamid as the victim more than the kobolds (genuinely, im kind of confused and irritated at the amount of people who were saying ‘poor hamid!’ after that episode where cel had to carry him across the floor because like… poor kobolds, actually? poor kobolds who were literally being drugged?), and then the next interaction with this decision is a conversation with skraak - where hamid doesn’t address the murder beyond saying that he owes them. he doesn’t apologise, iirc. and this is. genuinely frustrating, because it feels like such… an afterthought, almost? like. he spends a SINGLE episode not being able to even face what he did, and then after that it just… it’s not a thing anymore? and, yeah, fine, its not as fun to focus on a very negative thing your character did but like. hamid needs? to face consequences? for the decisions he makes? bryn very specifically needs to engage with the fact that he chose to have hamid murder loads of kobolds??

honestly, if this had been solely a narrative, this entire storyline would have felt incredibly lacking, especially when you consider how easily it could have been used as a direct parallel between the conversations between zolf and hamid in paris, except on opposite sides of the line, now. hamid engaging with his guilt over killing the kobolds, questioning his own choices and decisions, wondering how to get over this guilt? tell me that wouldn’t have been tasty as hell (im writing a fic on it bc of how badly i wished it happened) however, this is a ttrpg, and its been about 4 years since then, so i’ll cut them a lot of slack on the whole narrative mirror thing. 

(side note: i’m also disappointed from a narrative standpoint that no one has been calling hamid out on the leadership thing or confronting him about the kobold massacre. helen/azu really only commented on it for, like, two episodes, and other than that, the closest we’ve got is zolf making pointed comments about how hamid doesn’t deserve the fealty of the kobolds. and he’s right!)

i digress. the main point here is that… hamid hasn’t engaged with it. and yes, the argument could be made that he’s coping with it by blocking it out and not thinking about it, and if we were still back on like… episode 143 or something, i would grant you that. but the fact that it’s been over 20 episodes after the events of that episode and it still *hasnt* been even slightly engaged with beyond a *single* comment to skraak… its disappointing, honestly. 

and all of the tension, all of the volatility that had been building with hamid’s character since the beginning of season 4 has just… completely disappeared. after the kobold massacre, he feels like a completely different character, no longer tense, no longer lashing out, nothing. but there was LITERALLY no in-canon engagement with that, it just vanished into thin air? and no, him exploding the kobolds and then not engaging with it is not reason enough for all that volatility to go out the window without changing into something else. if the volatility had disappeared and hamid had become incredibly regretful, or guilt-stricken, or something, it would have made more sense. but he didn’t. he just completely disengaged from the decision and moved forward. 

it very much so (to me) feels like an abandoned storyline. i really, really thought that the kobold massacre would come to a head after shoin’s, that someone would bring it up and hamid would have to confront what he did beyond a very minor reference, but instead… we got the kobolds showing up again, immediately showing deference to hamid as their “leader”. and now he has loads of kobolds following him for quite literally no good reason beyond him being the “biggest dragon.” yikes.

that damned leadership feat

yes. i’m biased. i dislike the entire storyline, i don’t think hamid has done/is doing anything to learn about being a leader, it’s introduced a badly-thought-out (imo) biological essentialism storyline w the kobolds, and im glad zolf continues to make pointed comments calling hamid on it. moving on. 

lets keep my issues with the doylist side out of the argument for a moment. after massacring loads of kobolds, and then doing nothing but the bare minimum to make up for it (as in. literally just saying that he owes the kobolds), hamid is… given control of a group of kobolds? for no reason? who are traumatised and deferential to him? it’s really, really not helping his character arc grow and build, and its incredibly frustrating to listen to. 

(side note: fucking sucked that skraak appeared and hamid’s first suggestion was to *put him in a cage*, knowing what the kobolds had been through. if people needed more evidence that hamid really, really doesn’t deserve this… there you go. also, the kobolds haven’t been given any development (and, no, bryn talking about them in discord doesn’t count) because, honestly, 1. it’s not fair to take char dev time away from the actual players to develop like 5 npc’s with a single tie to one character, 2. its a lot to introduce 5 new characters at once, and 3. its not super feasible to split hamid’s character dev time with 5 other characters, and also skraak.)

anyways. the point here is that, about 25 episodes post-massacre and about 8 episodes post-leadership feat triggering, the massacre still hasn’t been addressed whatsoever, hamid has faced literally zero external consequences and dealt with nearly zero internal conflict, and he’s still has done, fundamentally, nothing to atone. (and, yes, as mentioned, the other characters aren’t innocent or blameless. but. there is a stark difference between cel vomiting spiders on them, scattering them and some of them falling off the stair rail, azu killing one with her ax and immediately regretting it, and hamid massacring around 20 of them (zolf didn’t actually kill any of them, iirc, he was busy eating lightning and then ended up not killing any))

also i am. fundamentally uncomfortable with how hamid and bryn interact with this storyline. bryn consistently talks about how he’s enjoying, uh, kobolds *serving* hamid, even though “hamid is uncomfortable”, but that uncomfortableness has vanished by the time they make it to hiroshima, and hamid is basically just pleased that skraak and the rest of the kobolds have turned into. idk. his crack security detail? it feels genuinely insensitive to simply gift hamid with kobolds following his orders and still have zero consequences from hamid *murdering* loads of them in the Institute. i thought hamid owed the kobolds, not the other way around. 

what does this all mean?

the tl;dr of all of this is that hamid started out being relatively volatile and reactive in the beginning of s4, but instead of reaching a point where that volatility and tension broke in a productive, character growth way, it just feels like it. fizzled out. and maybe that’s on me, for forming an expectation of a character arc, but hey. still kind of disappointed that hamid really hasn’t… deeply engaged with much this season, or even really grown as a character, much. he’s felt very stagnant for me, especially after the kobold massacre episode. he has yet to face any consequences from his actions, and him being rewarded with a cohort of kobolds (which hamid’s reactions to are incredibly inconsistent, half of the time being uncomfy and half of the time enjoying it). 

i’m not really trying to make a huge point here, besides trying to highlight some aspects of hamid’s character arc this season that feel lacking. mostly what i’m trying to do is rationalize my own feelings wrt why i’ve been finding it so hard to view hamid as a sympathetic character recently, and while some of my disinterest/discomfort is: 1. directly related to the kobold storyline and how both bryn and hamid are interacting with it (along with really REALLY not being sure of where alex is going with it); and 2. stemming from how more people are speaking about how hamid is really just a white man reskinned as egyptian making me dislike the character more… some of it is also just feeling annoyed w inconsistencies with his character. Plus, some of it is just my general wish to have hamid face some consequences for the actions he took. not going to get into how fan reactions to hamid’s actions impact how he is played here but i think i probably could if i wanted to.  

so, yeah. kind of annoyed at his arc this season. again, not saying that things should be changed or that i know better, but i wanted to get my thoughts down about why hamid has felt just… massively disappointing this season. 

anyway. thanks for reading !! i am completely willing to discuss this more, its been a while since i really dove deep into meta like this before in such. a complete way. 

thank u to abby for proofreading as well

[yfere]

A real messy Beau word vomit

Okay, yeah, so I did do that whole apology meta thing a while back, you know, the one that shows that Beau apologizes more than anyone on the show, and the thing is while doing that I also got a lot of exposure to the kinds of things characters apologize for, and the language they use while doing it. Beau apologizes for everything under the sun--her demeanor being offputting is a major one, but also whenever her actions or the actions of the party (or even Nugget) inconvenience a person, yeah, there she is, apologizing away. She never really makes excuses or puts qualifiers in. In fact, even outside of actual apologies, Beau is often the first to question her behavior/the groups’ behavior as something worthy of feeling guilty over. She’s the one who insisted on being “checked on” by Fjord and Caleb. She’s the one who felt the need to call out everyone on the Mistake heist. And when anyone has a critique of her or the way she’s handling something, she treats it seriously to try to get at the truth of a matter, to try to discover how to be a better person in a complicated world.

She did that this episode too, quite brilliantly. Jester pulls her aside, tells her she believes her father is telling the truth about his feelings and loves her, encourages Beau to let go of the “poison” of her anger. Beau doesn’t agree with this perspective entirely, she settles for calling it “interesting,” and indicating she’d think more on it, but she DID listen to Jester with an open ear, and she did use that conversation to reorient herself into something she felt more just. I think Beau realizes that part of what Jester says is right--her resentment is destructive, painful, and really ceding more control over her mind and emotions than Thoreau has a right to. It’s continued pain that Thoreau has inflicted on her, but which she does have the power to cast aside, if it’s useful to her to do so. Forgiveness isn’t Beau’s game, but rather objectivity, the ability to step back from personal biases and feelings to evaluate what someone says and does on its own merits. So she goes back to Thoreau and reprimands him like a thesis advisor for his parenting--he didn’t do the “footwork,” he didn’t do his “research.” It’s from this vantage point as an Expositor and researcher rather than hurt daughter that she gains enough power back in the conversation to express “disappointment,” (speaking superior to inferior), to point out the objective failings of Thoreau as a father. Beau also realizes that while she can’t ever hope to (or should hope to) control Thoreau’s actions, she can do better than him, regardless of him, because she has control over herself.  “ It doesn’t mean that I can’t do my research to better understand where I came from,” she says. “I’m trying to do better,” she says.

Beau is a person who takes responsibility. She’s a person who is always struggling, and clawing her way to being better every day, in every way--whether it’s studying, or working out, or being with her friends, or doing introspective work on what is right and what is wrong in the world. She’s taken everything from the world around her, the Cobalt Soul and the Mighty Nein, and improved upon them. She taught her own mentor to look past prejudice in Xhorhas. So Beau’s right--Thoreau giving her to the monks, freeing her to take this path on her own was the best thing he did for her. And you know what, this man who can’t give a straight apology--who shifts blame, adds conditionals and qualifiers and hyperbole to get around actually facing up to his mistakes--

Look, this is one example, but “misstepped?” “If” he didn’t “always” show love in the “best” way? And never, not once gives an indication of how he’s going to improve but rather puts the onus of understanding and improvement on his daughter, to not make the same mistakes as him, to know where he’s coming from? He could learn from her. I hope he does.

[k-s-morgan]

Hello! I have been watching hannibal for years (and have read some of your hannigram fics on Ao3)❣️💀 and stumbling upon this blog I've found that your insight into their relationship is so so so honest and in depth. It really gives me a fresh pair of eyes with which to read and appreciate them ) Now, I hope you don't mind me asking but do you think that hannibal would have really been able to function properly had he eaten wills brain like planned? What would the future look like for him?

(@daffyduck9779, I hope you don’t mind if I add another ask to this message because it has a similar question!)

Another message:  Your Hannigram meta is amazing! It truly makes the show more coherent for someone like me (who needs everything spelled out to them lol). One thing that always bothered me about S3 was the Hannibal sawing open Will's brain moment. What was going on in his head at that moment?? And what made him regret it afterwards?

---------------------

Hello! Thank you both so much for your words, I’m always happy to hear that my metas help someone discover new things about this brilliant show))

Dolce is such a painful episode. 

Motivation

Hannibal wouldn’t have tried to attack Will if Will hadn’t pulled out that knife on him first as they were walking after their beautiful reunion. Mads additionally confirmed it in the latest interview, which I appreciated. Hannibal was ready to be with Will, to show him Florence, to forgive and be forgiven by him, but Will, due to his own conflict, acted aggressively first. It broke Hannibal’s still broken heart a bit more, making him think that they truly have no future together, and that if he wants to be with Will in any way while getting rid of vulnerability, he has to eat him like he did with Mischa, overcoming his loss in this way. 

Actions

Despite everything, I’m sure Hannibal didn’t actually want to kill Will - he wanted to be stopped, and I love how the show, Bryan, and Mads all confirm it. Hannibal knows Bedelia is going to disclose his location to the police any moment now, so he stalls for as much as he can, spending hours on changing Will and cleaning him up, feeding him, waiting for Jack, cooking, etc. When he starts sawing, he’s doing it very superficially and slowly. If he really tried, he could have wounded Will terribly within seconds - instead, after a while, Will just has a shallow cut that doesn’t require much treatment. So Hannibal’s attempt was very, very half-hearted.

Hypothetical Scenario 

But let’s imagine no one stopped him and he did kill Will. I was really tempted to write a short story about it once because I think his reaction would be visceral. Mads commented on this topic once again, saying that Hannibal would have never forgiven himself. I agree with him. I think Hannibal might have vomited right then and there, in that room, when the realization of Will’s death at his hands really sank in. He would have been devastated and sick, suddenly envisioning a thousand other paths of the future they could have had. He would never be able to overcome it, he would hate himself, and his self-destructive spiral that had already started in Europe would continue until he was killed by someone. I don’t think Hannibal would have chosen life if he lost Will at this point, especially if he was the one to blame for it. He would find a way to punish himself and to absolve himself both through death inflicted by someone lucky. Hannibal nearly killed himself via Jack an episode before that - if he lost Will for good and in such horrible way, it’d be the end for him too. 

Regret

I think Hannibal came to the realization that life with the hope of Will maybe choosing him one day is better than life without Will during Digestivo. There was a real chance of Will being murdered by Mason and Cordell, and for Hannibal, it became a turning point. We see him save Will and tend to his wounds. Then we see him write down formulas to turn back time - I’m sure it concerns every traumatic event that took place between them, including Dolce. This is also where Hannibal verbally admits Will’s victory and proceeds to give himself up, sacrificing his freedom, something he valued so tremendously. 

[androgynosaurus]

ok this is just a dumb meta about my own damn character but I have a LOT of feelings about Shin and the current mess that is his emotional state and I need to set my head straight so I’m posting some word vomit under a cut

Shin’s driving force - the thing that makes him feel powerful, that gives him purpose - is to be wanted, needed, relied upon by somebody else. not just in a general ‘I’m here to help’ sense where any hero in the area will do, it has to be him specifically. It has to be you, you’re the only one that can do this. I need you. to have his name called out like that, the idea that there’s something he and he alone can do for this person, is what he craves more than anything but he doesn’t realise that’s what he wants deep down and he’s actively sabotaging himself because of his refusal to connect to other people

his complete lack of self esteem and past trauma about lost friendships and hurting people he cares about has led him to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong, unlikable, incompatible about him and history is doomed to repeat itself. if every friendship ending painfully is an inevitability then why bother in the first place? can’t get hurt losing friends if you don’t have any. so he blows himself into this huge character, this intentionally obnoxious abrasive creature so that people keep their distance and he thinks he’s protecting himself but he can’t figure out why he’s still so fucking miserable and it’s because his attempts at self preservation are directly at odds with that innate drive to protect and serve and be uniquely valuable to somebody

 some subconscious part of him knows that he’s weak to it - as soon as he allows someone to get close enough to him that they feel comfortable asking for his help, he has no way out. the trap is set and he willingly falls in every time - to feel wanted, to feel useful is so enticing and he can’t resist - and once he’s made that pledge of deference, of servitude, he’s stuck there as a faithful guard dog, willing to tear himself to shreds for this person if he has to, until what he considers to be the only possible outcome; he outlives his purpose and is cast aside. he can’t comprehend through the fog of his own self-hatred a scenario in which he doesn’t mess things up somehow, that someone might consider him worth more than what he can do for them on a superficial level, and might want him to stick around because of who he is as a person. the only logical path a friendship takes in his head leads to heartbreak and loneliness, so he doesn’t let people get close enough to consider him reliable, doesn’t associate with anyone who would consider him worth relying on; he intentionally sets himself below other people so that he can’t be perceived as someone useful and then he sits on that bottom rung and wonders why none of this is helping