#And when I am capable of doing them I prioritize writing my own works over reading someone else's

[amtrak12]

Genuine question: how do people read fic when they're also writing it? Because istg reading and writing are two very separate activities for me and I can only handle one at a time. :S

[olberic]

i wanna hear your law talesofarise thoughts then

ohh this is a can of worms you’re opening rn. im so obsessed with this guy and am always thinking about how the game does him dirty so please share in this with me

(obviously spoilers ahead for tales of arise) (and a few for beyond the dawn)

(and yes im being dead serious about this)

more than anything else or any of the major criticisms you hear about tales of arise, literally my biggest problem with it is how law is treated, both by the other party members and by the writing itself.

so let’s start with why law immediately caught my attention as a character at the beginning: hes a turncoat! he’s a dahnan actively working with the renans! the story bring you straight from calaglia, where that would have been UNTHINKABLE, to show you “hey! not only do dahnans work with the renans, some of them go so far as to prioritize that work over their own family!” which is fascinating! we get thrown into a fight with law, where he clearly uses the same fighting skills as his father, he has calaglian instrumentation in his fight music, and he doesnt show any mercy. all this while knowing hes going to become a party member! because then we learn through the course of that chapter (and a little bit later in the game) that law’s working there under duress, that he watched his comrades be killed in front of him, that he was left alive if he joined with the snake eyes. and he still has nightmares about that. we learn that he DOESNT hate his father, just left on bad terms and couldnt reconcile with his father’s way of being a father. he couldnt stand how overbearing and patronizing zephyr was, and the first thing zephyr does when they reunite is do exactly that! no wonder law was frustrated at him! but then you get to see his absolute loneliness as a dahnan working for the snake eyes. he gets no sympathy from the renans who treat him as other because hes a dahnan, and active dislike from dahnans because hes working with renans. but if his other option was to be killed, then we as the audience have to ask if this was a decision that’s sympathetic. but we do get this conversation:

law: “i never did tell you how i ended ip hanging around with the snake eyes, did i?”

alphen: “not properly. all i know is you had a falling-out with your dad and ran away from home.”

law: “getting to cyslodia almost killed me. once there, though, i actually ended up joining a resistance organization, believe it or not. of course, before long someone ratted us out, and we were ambushed by the snake eyes. i’d never seen such brutality. if i hadn’t surrendered…”

alphen: “law?”

law: “i don't know why they let me live. they made me watch as they butchered my friends right in front of my eyes. i still have nightmares. i hear roars of zeugles as my friends scream, the snow stained red with blood. and all the while those bastards, laughing. i thought that with ganabelt defeated, i’d be able to put it all behind me. turns out that was a little optimistic. i was terrified they would kill me, too. so i wound up betraying the memory of my friends, and getting my old man killed in the process. i wonder if i’m any braver now. what if one day i panic again, and end up running away like always?”

alphen: “and leave us behind? you really think you’d do that?”

law: “i hope not. but who’s to say what i’m really capable of?”

[lies down]

so there’s the whole thing with law trying to free zephyr and fight back against the snake eyes. as a dahnan that’d be a death sentence even if it weren’t coming from a member of the snake eyes. and yes cyslodia’s built on betrayal, but it establishes law as somebody who betrayed his father, who betrayed his people, and who betrayed his pledged loyalty. it also establishes that when push comes to shove, he cant stand by as an observer and enforcer — hes a protector at heart. and it gets proven again and again throughout the game when hes the first one to jump into things that he isnt made to be an observer! as a person hes so fundamentally opposed to what the snake eyes do but still managed to be convinced to work with them for his own well being. we see in beyond the dawn that he experiences deep regret for what he did and for how he was directly responsible for the suffering of other dahnans he sent to the pylons. hell, even when alphen gets him come along with them, theres this little interaction:

law: its not like theres anyone waiting for me in calaglia either. …plenty of ditches along the road. maybe i’ll find one to die in.”

alphen: “how about a fresh start?”

law: “after the kinds of things ive done? i don't know where id even begin.”

so we need to keep in mind that even if he doesnt talk about it, even if he puts on a front, that he a) thinks hes irredeemable, b) feels intense guilt for what hes done, c) still has nightmares about seeing his friends be killed, and d) is living with the knowledge that if it weren’t for his actions, his father would still be alive. (and its important to note that he recognizes it’s not just his own personal loss, he’s well aware how deeply zephyr’s death affects both the party and the crimson crows.)

and here i’ve got to talk about an under appreciated law detail that i love about him so very much: law, the loudmouthed, immature-acting brawler of the party, has the capacity and skills to have been a great snake eye. look — we saw how he acted with zephyr. but in the “stowaway law” skit he says “eh, lets just say i’ve always had a knack for sneaking around since i was little” to explain how he escaped calaglia. hell, for months, as a kid in a brand new realm, he managed to join a resistance cell and avoid getting caught (for a while). when he helps zephyr escape, he uses smoke bombs. when the party is getting tailed by kisara in viscint, hes not only the only person who notices, he manages to fall back, sneak up on HER unaware, and get a blade to her throat! the woman who's supposed to be the best guardsman in the realm! in beyond the dawn, he can sense the party's being followed and calls out nazamil even when she's invisible. and when that zeugle is attacking pharia ranch, law's the first person to be able to track this invisible creature. law’s perceptive, sneaky, unafraid to dirty his hands for the sake of others, and this trait is soooo fucking underutilized in this game…

which probably brings me to why i cant stand tales of arise sometimes. for every incident of law doing this, or showing literally any emotional vulnerability, theres three incidents of the other party members (rinwell) disparaging him. and it pisses me off SO MUCH. its obvious from that first conversation when he joins the party that while he does have a lighthearted nature, hes got a ton of guilt and self-hatred and regret that take precedence, and he’ll put on a joking front to cover that up. because how can he let himself be who is he when he just got his father killed? and this slips out plenty of times in the game — tons of skits have him start to bring up how it felt to lose his father — but every goddamn time he starts to talk about himself, rinwell insults him.

im not fucking joking! ive played this game twice through. i copy down every skit and conversation that law’s involved in for the entire game. law can’t get a fucking SENTENCE out about who he is as a person without rinwell insulting him. the game tries to play this off as banter when its ALWAYS one sided. rinwell gets to have her emotional scenes with other characters without law jumping in. hell, if she starts to be serious with him, he listens! but heaven forbid he get the same respect in turn! and its not just her. shionne never hears him out (and hell, i love shionne the most, but i really dont like that part of her) and its clear she doesnt see much past his front. kisara and dohalim both see him as totally immature.

“but zad,” you say, “law IS immature.” yeah! of course he is! hes 16 and hes never been allowed to have a childhood! hes been involved with the crimson crows since the day he was born! he escapes calaglia as a kid! hes had time to join a resistance cell and end up working with the snake eyes all by the time he’s 16!!! he says it himself, traveling with the party is the first time hes been allowed to be himself. he wears silly wolf decorations because he thinks they look cool and he doesnt have anywhere else to put them. he playfights with alphen. he lets himself have fun in fights. he (unsuccessfully) flirts. he eats good food and learns to cook. hes got immature taste because hes a teenager. i know i sure was the same! he makes ill-timed jokes because he hasnt been able to be a normal part of friendly conversation before. he has a hard time reading other people because he’s only had people patronize him or suspect him until now.

but the fact is that for all his silliness and immaturity, he is more than that. hes sneaky and traumatized and guilt-ridden and has such a big heart that the first things he does when finding himself is to protect others. (hell, he even says “if im not training, its easy for me to get anxious.” ) and it frequently feel like the writers forget his backstory and motivations and treat him solely as comic relief and as a tool to develop other characters (rinwell).

the most egregious example of this is the almeidrea incident, which i can hardly watch. law’s a character who joins the party and immediately gets revenge on the guy who killed his father (which is still an awesome scene), realizes that doesnt bring him back or undo law’s complicity, then stews with that knowledge and doesnt tell anybody. i love a good revenge plot, but i can see where he comes from when he says “killing the person who wronged you doesnt undo what they did”. but what really and utterly kills me is that all of that is a throwaway line used to develop rinwell’s story. time and time again in this game law’s completely disregarded and im honestly so fucking sick of it 😭 the most we get is this line:

alphen: “law left home because of how much he hated his father. i think law spent a lot of time thinking about how they never got to make things right. and if i had to guess, killing ganabelt didn't make any of those feelings go away.”

and the handful of good scenes (law’s pep talk to alphen when shionne’s kidnapped, law’s conversation with the traitor dahnan and the informants)

so yeah. i dont have a conclusion to this. i adore that law’s a traitor and hes sneaky and hes competent and fights like his dad and wears a silly wolf decoration and lives with unimaginable guilt and has nightmares and has favourite foods and flirts badly and likes being a farmer. im just like cheering for this guy and supporting him unconditionally because the game itself sure won’t.

[sweetswesf]

Check In - First Post of 2023

What I Did

Started writing in my “Calm the Chaos” journal where I reflect on the day and set the intentions for the next

Waking up earlier to actually get a workout AND work in the day on a typical work schedule: 9 AM - 5 PM

Ended a 14+-year situationship with my first love…I think it may be an unrequited love

Had a difficult conversation with my grandmother while reminding myself that my feelings were valid

Completed the “Learn Your Values” deck exercise

Rescheduled a non-work interview about my experiences transitioning from Apprentice since I’m unemployed…I no longer want to offer that info, especially since when things get posted about me ALL my damn connections from high school to now and beyond get notified smdh…

What I Learned

I’m stronger & more capable than I thought I was

Recursion

My top 10 values are, in this order: spirituality (religiosity), health, career, self-respect, purpose, growth, social connection, love, success, and self-discipline

Because Trevor didn’t want to do the daily show, they replace the WHOLE DAMN SHOW! 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ I guess everyone losing they jobs…damn…they were doing so good though! Smdh Trevor…

Feeling

Like I’m always there and have to keep going

I’ve been getting a little headache here and there and I’m pretty exhausted by it, but, bought a new pillow and will try to drink more water to see if that will help…reminding myself not to worry about tomorrow

Practicing more self-respect but making sure I’m not just trying to protect my ego…I’d rather share a testimony once I’m out than share my plans, ya feel?

Takeaways

I may have to say bye to gym bae…I do like that gym a bit better, but it’s an extra 15 - 25 minutes sometimes to get to that I don’t have the luxury of spending

I need to prioritize self-respect over career

What Made Me Cry

Ending my situationship with the friend…he made me cry on the first Monday of the year smdh…why’d I give him that power?….

How I Got Myself Out of a Rut

Reminded myself that my current actions will not get me to where I want to be in 6 months

Reminded myself that I can really change my life for good if I focus and change my ways these next 6 months

Reminded myself that God has something better

Retail therapy

Goals Completed

Found a therapist

Stopped listening to people worried about their own circumstances and remembering God works on his own time and that I am in no rush...

Got back on the ball

Being kinder to myself and stopping guilting myself if my energy isn't always on 100%

Goals After Today

Strengthen my relationship with God

Understand the main concepts I need to from Interview Cake, AlgoExpert, etc. in 6 months, NOT less than 3

Drop my body fat percentage to Marion Jones, Michaela Cole, or Jade Cargill levels

Consistently fight urge to fill up my time with social media/YouTube

Fully forgive my family & build a great relationship with them

Be more confident & faithful

150 steps/hour & 10k steps/daily consistently

Drink more than 64oz a day consistently

Go on a date with a guy I actually like who actually likes me too

Learn more about my gym crush & get him to ask for my number

Get a house similar to that one in Spain

Update my personal app

[violetren]

Aether Chapter 20

I AM SCREAMING.

I'm gonna try go through this semi chronologically, but know that the end has me screaming and I will be screaming for the duration of writing this and probably then some.

So first of all, everyone give it up for Maxine. Some part of my brain has tied her to Yzma from The Emperor's New Groove. Not voice, not the design, or the moral alignment... I think maybe what I'm actually latching onto is Eartha Kitt's swagger. Also a little bit the fact that I do believe Maxine is capable of murder, so far as cats can comprehend murder. Which is probably moreso than humans feel comfortable with.

Whatever it is, Maxine is fantastic.

I've been coming around to the fact that Sierra is by and large a good friend, but she's also a messy flawed person, and those two facts aren't mutually exclusive. Also I'm kinda guessing that since its post interview (and presumably post telepathic interrogation) and Sierra is still in the guest room capable of opening and closing her own door instead of a holding cell somewhere means she has been cleared. Which isn't surprising at all but its nice to have confirmation.

The good friend stuff shines through strong on points like affirming Maggie should join the High Guard because being here clearly makes her happy, and in her insistence that Maggie as she previously looked was worth more than Maggie every gave herself credit for being (and notably would not have been a pity fuck for anyone with actual taste).

On the more questionable side of things was the admittance that she'd sometimes use looking after Maggie whenever Maggie was physically or emotionally struggling as a way of avoiding her own problems. But like, that is only bad if you start prioritizing your "care" of that person over their actual needs or wants, and actively sabotage them from recovering too much in order to keep them forever available as a distraction. The rest of the time its just that looking after someone else was convenient and if it hadn't been caring for them it would have been something else. Taking extra shifts at work. Impromptu spring cleaning the whole house. 100% a video game in less than a week even if it means cancelling other plans. Shit like that.

But then things get MESSY!

Because the closest most readily available and most familiar coping mechanism of "care for Maggie instead" has already been called out because its currently just not possible. Maggie has big things on her mind but she's basically made her decision already and isn't struggling emotionally at this point, and she basically never has to worry about physical ailments again, so thats out.

And apparently that leaves us with Sierra wanting to fuck away her feelings?!?!?! Or at least throw herself into a relationship that feels safe and stable because Maggie's love for her has been a quiet matter of fact for years??? Which oooh boy... Bad baaaaaaaad timing, because its not really there in the same way anymore.

I don't think this is Maggie and Sierra falling into a romantic role reversal. At this stage I'm not convinced Sierra actually means what she was saying, only that she's had her life turned upside down and trying to grab onto the one familiar thing she didn't think would ever really change. But fucking hell what if she's for real? Will she be strong enough to accept the idea of Maggie being with someone else and not returning her feelings? It would arguably be harder for her than it was for Maggie because she'll live knowing she missed her window instead of spending the time thinking it was a question of incompatible sexualities. Would it lead to some kind of poly set up?

I think the most likely outcome is whenever Maggie gets back from wherever she noped out to and they can look each other in the eye again (or at least be in a room alone) Sierra apologises in much the same way she did for snapping at Maggie for not warning her Garrett was alive when their convo today first started, and for much the same reasons. She is not okay.

But I'll have to read to find out, so guess I'm gonna go do that now.

[sorrelce]

Thanks for the compliment, lol! It's a combination of practice, time, and a slight obsession....well, in any case, good that someone besides me finds it readable.

---

On the shipping front...hard to say. I'm not confident I can divorce any kind of literary analysis out from my own biases on this aspect. There's a big ol' essay below the break if you think my attempt might be of any worth.

I'm generally a little hesitant to comment on character feelings in this way. I'm aromantic, half the time I don't get it or it goes over my head.

Crush related stuff I find somewhat difficult to take seriously. From an observer position, 90% of the time that doesn't last, and, young people especially, make compromised decisions over it. I'm leery of it, and somewhat burnt. When people get pushy about their feelings and their counterpart isn't responding with crystal clear enthusiasm...I don't really want to engage.

Giving it the old college try, keeping in mind my bias:

----q!Tubbo clearly cares, we have hours of him pouring over those letters. I think he's letting the bubblies lead him towards reckless decision making (personal take here). The letter writing makes him feel like he knows who Fred is...but I'm, again, of the opinion that you can say whatever you like and that doesn't make it true.

The TIME to get to know Fred simply isn't there. Even if we DO include the letters. You have to actually see people in situations, how they react, make choices and prioritize, to actually know them. (There is a long distance equivalent, but again, takes time for the situation-action-consequence-reaction loop to play out).

I am afraid that Tubbo might move on from the crush stage into more depth of feeling...for a fictional person. Either the front Fred presents, or the persona for them he's building in his head. Again, not an uncommon phenomenon for early dating stages. Lots of people are shit about communicating, and see what they want to see in the other person. Because they want it to work, they want to be seen like that.

This whole scenario I find concerning without the Federation complication. (with that? tearing my hair out)

---For the reverse? We just don't have info on Fred.

q!Philza kept emphasizing it with his conversations with Tubbo. "What did he (meaning Fred) SAY." 'Stop assuming', stop projecting.

And pulling straight from the text of the letters, we get an answer of friends, figuring it out, discovery. 'I don't know'. And then Tubbo ramping up on the romantic motif, despite.

....I had to stop reading letters at one point because I was getting legitimately uncomfortable on Fred's behalf. I am aware of my own biases and attitudes, so I'm not going to claim my read is the intent of the roleplay the two creators have going. But...

q!Tubbo withdrew after a perceived romantic rejection. He backtracked when Fred called him on it. "I don't understand. Are we still friends?" 'Friends is good, friends is good'...Tubbo replies. But after barely another exchange, starts trying to arrange a date. And Fred, federation isolated Fred, then capitulates.

Romantic coded gesture after romantic coded action, constantly on q!Tubbo's end. And on Fred's end, discussions on philosophy and morality, and what it means to be a person, or a good person.

TO ME, and maybe Fred is just too subtle for me (I have endless praise for NPC 02 admin's wordcraft, given that this area is a weakness of mine, I believe they could dupe me), I wasn't seeing romantic language and intent. Emotional intimacy, yes. Getting to know you, and through another person, oneself, yes. But not romance.

I think Fred could be lonely, unused to human kindness. I think Fred could be genuinely coming to care platonically for Tubbo. I think it's likely Fred has dual motives, and is capable of using Tubbo even as they feel something. I think romance is a possibility, but it's not the take that makes the most sense to me.

----I believe love is a really big concept, and from what I believe of Fred, it's not something that they are currently capable of feeding. Even if romance is where the creators are ok with taking the plot, there's just no way that Fred has a grasp of that depth of feeling, or the nuance that comes with that particular power. Not with the extent the federation screws their people over, the level of emotional naivety they tend to display. They might be learning, but that's too deep too fast, and there's not space to process.

Maybe they feel close to Tubbo, possessive, desiring to be with them, protective. But love is not manipulative. And Fred's behaviors show too many signs of manipulation being an acceptable tactic for me to believe they are not doing the same to him.

With time, perhaps Tubbo would be an exception. I'm not going to completely discount the redemption via love---it's a popular fictional trope for a reason. And this IS a work of fiction. So maybe it'll happen.

But I also can't forget it's FICTION for a reason. When people tell you who they are, you believe them. Fred is practically shouting from the rooftops, 'I am a bad/dangerous person, stay away from me'. In real life, love doesn't save people like that. It makes abusive relationships. You can't fix people. They have to make changes on themselves. See a problem, and be willing to change.

You can give support. And I think that would be an incredibly interesting story to see play out. And it would probably be satisfying for a lot of people if that did, eventually, end up as a slow burn romance. Fred getting there eventually, once they've had a chance to break from the damages the federation has done, and heal.

That sounds a bit tortuous for Tubbo though (I guess I don't have a ton of faith in his patience. Man's all gas no breaks).

---Fred being in love just doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't seem like a consistent narrative, consistent characterization. It doesn't seem like a fruitful plot point. Plus Fred's too interesting to fridge (I have more faith in their writing quality than that) to be merely motivation for Tubbo's character arc. They are their own character, not a plaything for someone else's narrative.

Again, high likelihood there are things going on here that just aren't clicking for me, whether due to lack of understanding, interest, or attention. Shrug.

Messy thoughts on Fred (and Tubbo?)

This is really disjointed. This was just me typing everything that popped into my head down.

I have opinions on Fred (and everything around him atm)

Like everyone saying he is evil. Fred himself knows he did wrong things 

He knows he isn't a saint he just has a single person hae loves and cares about [Tubbo]

Fred told Tubbo he did wrong things and yes he did not specify what (From what I recall) but he told Tubbo and he said he didn't care (Tubbo said he would be a villain if Fred is sooo…)

Is it very cruel to tell someone you wish they would get tortured again? Yes! Hell yeah it is. 

Quackity has his reasons for hating the Feds no shit but he threatened Tubbo which is why Fred said that.

(Also I am biased towards Tubbo. I am Foolish/Jaiden in spirit aka I side with the characters I like more over my irl morals)

Like I do think he cares because he has to for the other workers but they are not friends, they are his underlings or bodyguards so you have to be nice there (Or you would hope. Even if manipulative)

Like I would be an idiot to not acknowledge him taking notes on Aypeirre’s torture or again his very cruel comment to Quackity

Fred acts different ways with different people. Like he is definitely more nice with Tubbo for example when he said he was a bad penpal for not responding much and “I genuinely felt like a stalker and that it wasn't morally correct what i was doing…”  (Day 195) of which Tubbo responded in his letter back with “ I don't think you should worry about the morality of trying to find them as kidnapping itself is very immoral.” 

Which is true but still.

Fred also said on the day of the movie date he has done bad stuff to Tubbo. (“You don’t understand, I’ve done bad stuff.” … or something similar as I am not watching the vods.)

So to me I am wondering where some people have been?

Fred is deny deny till he cant then bites back when out of options 

He is seemingly questioning himself and the Feds but atm he is following them along still

Back to Tubbo for a sec I have to mention that he said something along the lines of It seems everyone but the morning crew likes him so it wouldn't be hard for him to be a villain.

I keep bring that up whoops but like Tubbo is really protective of Fred warning him to stay away from Aypierre and that he will gladly listen to anything that worries Fred

Tubbo and Fred really love and trust one another.

ALSO!

Fred wrote on October 8th “I must admit… I don't know what my morals are or trust for the Federation is..” 

Man knows he is messed up <3 

(Also Tubbo just told him it is ok to question your morals)

Fred not trusting the Feds doesn't mean he doesnt follow what they want like torture btw. I am not ignoring that dont worry 

He still is doing his job. He acts like he doesn't like it but he is still doing it.

Also Fred at one point told Philza he loves snitching. Yes, kinda sassy but he did say that. (I think October 4th or 5th)

If it isn't obvious I Adore Fred even if he turns out evil. I find him to be a very interesting character.

Also I am not touching him leading Tubbo, Roier, & Slimecicle to the Maze. I have no idea what the deal is there.

Yeah this post is a mess but I don't normally post my own thoughts or do essays (this isn't even an essay). If I wanted to put more effort in I could but me typing my thoughts down and semi looking for direct quotes is all this post is getting haha.

I don't care if Fred gets better or worse as long as he is a fun and interesting character the whole time .

[night-will-fall]

ok i have a quick rant on the Darkling/Darklina/Shadow and Bone trilogy i have to get out. i genuinely feel she let down his character, alina’s character, and in general the whole arc of the narrative.

**i want to clarify first that I am not anti Leigh. i’ve tagged that per someone’s request, but the truth is i simply feel that anybody who decides to put a story out there in the world, or any kind of writing, will be subject to criticism. that’s part of writing, it’s part of art, and it’s just part of creation and the real world, no matter your intentions or motivations for your piece. just like this post—it should be subject to criticism, too. that’s how discussion happens and people learn. it’s not an attack on the original writer because the writer is not their work. i love Leigh and her choice to put her stories out in the world, even if i disagree with some of the choices she made. it’s only because of her that we get to have these conversations about our favorite characters in the first place. (I also don’t think it’s fair to her and all the work she put into SEVEN novels to reduce the decisions she made about her characters and plots to ‘coping’ — just my two cents. I’m sure her trauma influenced her work, it’s hard to imagine otherwise. but I doubt she or anyone else would vouch for people refusing to critique their work because of something she went through that does not define her.)**

the problem i have with Leigh’s writing of the Darkling is that after Shadow & Bone, it was so forced. she wrote him doing all of these implausibly horrible things after the fans started to like him to force it down our throats that he was the irredeemable villain. and yet when he was first introduced, i was so hopeful that this character called ‘the Darkling’, a shadow summoner and master of darkness, wouldn’t fall into the predictably, disappointingly easy trope of evil as darkness and good as light. so when she did exactly that, it felt like a betrayal of the character after he had already begun to take on a life and heart of his own. we connected to him. and she did her very best to sever that connection in favor of an emotionally manipulative boy who did almost nothing to help alina grow. Mal actually hindered and harmed her growth, constantly guilting her for having wants, desires, and feelings of her own that didn’t revolve around him, whereas the Darkling never wanted her to be anything but herself. he, like her, was capable of seeing the bigger picture, whereas Mal was an absurdly selfish and bizarre character that cared about none of that (and didn’t even “want” alina until she was famous and desired ?!! like come on). i sincerely can’t believe he was intended to be the love interest we connected with and rooted for.

and i know she likely had personal reasons for characterizing Aleksander the way she did, possibly attempting to embody anecdotal experiences with a specific person who did her harm in her own life, but with this character it felt unnatural and forced. she basically ignored of all of his character’s potential as a complex, nuanced human tortured by watching generations of his people’s pain, trauma, exploitation, murder, etc. (even if it was true that he had eroded morally/emotionally because of the mervost and centuries of standing witness to these atrocities), ironically dismissing his potential to grow in a story that was supposed to be all about growth (another narrative failure i won’t get into here). not to mention that his mission’s intent wasn’t even inherently evil (morally grey at worst, which is so much more compelling than pure evil anyway, which makes it extra disappointing that she bungled this), and by the end of the series all of his completely valid points just went unaddressed and people continued to suffer for it. his attempts to solve that problem were simplistically reduced and deemed as plain ‘evil’, with very few people recognizing the deep empathy and collective pain that drove his actions—something that alina actually did understand. 

i feel bad for him. that’s why i like him and that’s why i like Darklina. he deserved better, and so did alina. their chemistry was so eloquently written (and portrayed in the show) and i truly believe they could’ve helped each other grow. but we never got a chance to see or explore that because of how Bardugo’s personal feelings obscured the natural direction of her characters’ development, ultimately doing a serious disservice to her narrative (she does this a few times — prioritizes certain plotlines and actions that she wants to include even if they don’t align with the natural progression of the story). she tries to make us believe certain things and feel certain ways about her characters and plot points in opposition of the simple truth that they just don’t fit. alina’s character essentially ends up right where she started with only a few slight differences, one of them being the loss of power, which was something that made her uniquely, intrinsically her, and was cruelly ripped away in a nonsensical punishment for what? daring to trust? daring to break away from the insecure hold Mal had over her, and constantly used against her? daring to grow and learn? daring to delve deeper into her own power as a Grisha? daring to connect with the Darkling and the nobility of his motives? it was all around just a sad and disappointing direction to take a story that had so much potential to be powerful and different.

[not to mention all of the beautiful balance in the light/shadow trope, the star-crossed lovers torn apart by situational and ideological conflict, the novelty of their powers and their mirroring inabilities to “fit in” or find others like them, like. come ON, that could have been so great. ugh. just to abandon it all for dusty, insecure Malware. pls.]

ok end rant. thank you if you read my heated word vomit.

[atlasmisery]

brother nier in relation to the events of the aerie and junkheap

(as of writing, i have not completed the entirety of nier: replicant. where i am at now is around the beginning-middle end of the storyline before the first ending.)

brother nier is an interesting protagonist so far, and shows signs of the classic tragic hero. in a well-meaning attempt to accomplish a good-natured goal (to cure his sister’s illness), he ends up walking a much bloodier and darker path than he intended. nier’s ‘timeskip’ very much emphasizes this, showing us nier in his purer days as a youth as opposed to his currently revenge-addled and unstable self.

the thing is with nier is that, while he’s certainly a kind-hearted person who helps those in need, everyone is all but secondary to the ‘few people he loves most’. this, of course, is obviously yonah, but this also extends to kaine, weiss and emil. he fixates on these people, and in certain points in the story, faces little hesitation in regards to sacrificing other people for them. it’s an incredibly interesting contradiction in his demeanor... but the consequences of sort of thing requires intense writing to be able to portray ‘properly�� and ‘gut-wrenchingly’. 

of course, leave it up to no other than yoko taro to be able to portray nier’s contradiction wonderfully. there are two instances in the story that highlight this.

the fall of the aerie:

here, nier’s ‘fixation’ on saving ‘the few people he loves’ becomes very, very apparent. in this point of the story, he, in his quest to defeat shades, basically obliterates an entire village of people.

the aerie, in the story, was not very welcoming or ‘loveable’ of an area as opposed to the others. it’s loss, while not heavy on the heart, still makes an impact. it was the village with the most tightly-knit ‘character’, i feel. facade, seafront and nier’s village all have varieties of people, but aerie was the one with the incredibly rude shut-ins. and this was consistent between all the villagers. as frustrating as they were, it’s not like they deserved to die... is probably the thought that comes to mind.

now, as for nier himself:

Emil: I killed innocent people. I killed them all. Nier: But you saved us.

the scene at the end of the aerie’s fall tells it all. emil, heartbroken, and maybe the audience perspective, is mourning the loss of villager lives. he’s in agony and, even if you can’t see a human expression, you can tell with his wavering voice he deeply regrets what he did. this is shown in contrast to nier, who’s expression changes little. he’s only focused on comforting the distressed emil, and seemingly doesn’t feel much in regards to the lost lives.

in fact, he says something incredibly cold, and telling, of what he thinks of what took place, and where he’s heading from now on.

Nier: Really. Don’t look back.

nier kills, and kills, and kills, and doesn’t look back. he thinks, he doesn’t need to, he has to keep looking forward, he needs to keep his eyes on yonah and her whereabouts. if not, she might slip away, therefore, he can’t afford to look back.

but what if he did look back? what will he see? a trail of blood and corpses, all of his own making? would he feel anything, anything at all upon seeing such a thing?

gideon’s revenge:

the first thing we are shown in this section of the story is jakob’s demise, and gideon’s change. the boy lost both his mother and brother to the junk heap, and we’re shown him teetering on madness in regards to his fixation with revenge. he wants the robot responsible for his brother’s death dead at all costs, working on forging weapons for years in an attempt to make a sword that can bring it down.

Gideon: I need to ask you for a favor. Nier: Oh yeah? Gideon: I want you to avenge my brother! Grimoire Weiss: That’s a rather ponderous mission. Gideon: It’s my mission! It’s the whole reason I’ve been creating these weapons for the past four years. Gideon: I don’t care about money! I only care about making a weapon strong enough to kill those bastards!

sounds familiar? well, i’d think that’s the intention. gideon’s state and his vengeance is an obvious allusion to nier’s own quest for yonah. while she’s (probably) not dead, he is going on his own personal cruel rampage for it. having done the forest of myth quest before this one, the allusions just feel even more obvious.

Weiss: It spoke! This Shade has intelligence! And emotion! Nier: Who cares? Nier brushes Weiss' comment aside has his sword sliced through the Shade's right arm.

both nier and gideon expressed they don’t care, not as long as they can accomplish their goal. they’re both full of rage over the loss of their own sibling, and seem to teeter on madness in their own quests... but.

Gideon: You stupid machine! You killed my family! You took everything from me! Nier: Hey, come on. That’s enough. Gideon: Aaah ha ha! I did it! Now that this goddamn thing is dead, I can forage wherever I want! Gideon: Just wait, you goddamn freak! Now I can make all KINDS of powerful weapons! Gideon: Just leave it to me! Leave it all to me! HA HA HA HA HA! AAAH HA HA HA HAAAAAH! Nier: Look, we get it, okay? Really...

this scene does invoke a sense of ‘wow, this reminds me of what nier is like when he’s killing shades’, but what’s surprising... is how nier reacts. he’s disturbed. in jakob, he starts to see himself, and feels an inch of hesitation in his actions and what he’s become. for a moment, he’s tempted to not look forward, but to look back.

Grimoire Weiss: Hatred and Madness will never heal a wounded heart. Nier: Maybe it’s just all that he’s capable of right now. Grimoire Weiss: Revenge is a fool’s errand.  Nier: ...Yeah. I know.

when he says, ‘maybe it’s just all that he’s capable of now’, you can tell nier feels a sense of empathy for the poor boy. he understands. nier, who had spent five years hunting shades for his lost sister, can see himself in the boy who spent four years forging swords to avenge his brother. and, another thing he sees, is a distorted image of himself. a broken revenge-hungry madman, someone he hesitates to become, but is well on the path to becoming to. recognizing this terrifies him.

the aerie and jakob— what do these two tell of nier’s mental landscape?

he, despite seemingly being a kind helpful person, has a tendency to over-prioritize those much closer to him. this was on a smaller level when he was younger, but it only developed and became worse throughout the timeskip. it’s gotten bad enough that he can close his eyes and look away from an entire village he killed, but he isn’t so far off yet. a smidge of his former self still remains, and that self is afraid upon seeing what gideon had become. gideon represents what nier may become once his former self fully disappears. and, to nier, to become a broken revenge-hungry madman, is something even he feels troubled thinking about... but for yonah, he’s willing to do anything, right? so will he take a moment to look back, or keep looking forward?

we’ll find out soon enough.

[yeeyee-alumni]

Ellie’s (lack of a) character arc & why the result is an unsatisfying story

Let’s state the obvious: Ellie does not have a character arc in The Last of Us Part 2. A character arc is defined as a gradual transformation or inner journey of a character in response to changing developments in the story. And you may argue that Ellie from the beginning of the game is not the same as the one at the end of the game, and I would agree with you. She went from a woman consumed by revenge (not really but we will stick with that for now) to a woman able to forgive her aggressor and move on. However, there are problems with this supposed inner change on multiple levels. a) the change is not gradual b) the change comes out of nowhere c) the change is not informed by anything I don’t think there’s any need to thoroughly explain the first statement. Ellie has the same goal from the beginning to the very last second before attaining her goal. At no point in the story is she self-reflective, questions her methods, there’s no moral dilemma for her, no inner conflict, no doubt that causes her to put her own actions into a new perspective and possibly change her motivation. From beginning to end she believes to be 100% justified in her goal to kill Abby. Subsequently, if Ellie were actually consumed by revenge, the only logical conclusion to her story would be for her to eventually drown Abby.

Which neatly leads me to the next point: her change comes out of nowhere. The decision to let Abby go, as is implied by the narrative, is triggered by a random, arbitrary flashback of Joel. First of all, the timing here is outright comical. For what reason is she having this specific flashback at this very moment? Sounds like contrived, convenient bs to me to give the appearance that her decision is informed by something (which it isn’t, and we'll get to that in a moment). Second of all, getting a flashback to the most important person in your life that has been brutally murdered in front of you, seeing an image of what could have been and what was unjustly taken from you, is not gonna inspire you to forgive your aggressor. If anything, it would make you more determined and sadistic. And third of all, I hear you all yelling "but it was a flashback to their conversation about forgiveness and that inspired her to forgive Abby." And I have multiple qualms regarding this line of thinking. Number one, forgiving the person you love most in this world for having lied to you cannot be compared to forgiving the person who brutally took said person from you. This actually further accentuates my previous point, this is the person that robbed you of your opportunity for reconciliation. Implying that Ellie's thought process here is „I wanted to forgive Joel, but this person robbed me of any opportunity to, so I have to forgive her” is muddled, nonsensical and quite frankly unrealistic. And number two, is the implication here that this is the first time Ellie has thought back to that conversation? That’s a whole new level of nonsense. She will have reflected on all moments with Joel, including this one, and yet at no point prior to this moment had she considered even the possibility of forgiveness, as I have illustrated earlier. So why now? Very obviously to get a payoff, which was neither set up nor properly developed. And moving on to my last point: it is not informed by anything. I know a lot of players didn’t want Ellie to kill Abby, and even I felt that way at first, albeit presumably for entirely different reasons (I was so drained and removed from the narrative by that point that I only thought to myself "just go home, you psychos"). But upon reflection, I concluded that that would have been an unsatisfying conclusion narratively speaking. Nevertheless, Abby seems to have grown dear to many players. After all, they have spent several hours with her, they have seen her struggle, overcome her obstacles, fight for what she believes to be right. Their feelings towards Abby are informed by the person they have seen her to be and by the experiences they went through with her. Yet Ellie is missing all of that context. She has not been with us throughout our three days in Seattle, she doesn’t know Abby outside of her having horrifically killed Joel and she has not gained any new information that would lead her to change her opinion about her. And so, we have another example of the story making characters do things that are not informed by anything, for the sake of a poor payoff. And since we're talking about characters acting nonsensically, let's talk about the roughly three minutes leading up to Ellie nearly drowning Abby, shall we? Ellie approaches the beach absolutely determined to find and kill Abby (repeatedly murmuring Abby’s name to herself). Yet when she reaches the pillars, she cuts Abby down, letting her free Lev and follows them to the boats, indicating that Ellie has changed her mind, showing pity/empathy upon seeing Abby a mere shadow of her former self. And yet again, we have Ellie acting in a way she never has before. She didn’t have pity for Nora who was coughing her lungs out, or for Jordan who had advocated for letting her live, or for any other innocent WLF or Seraphite that came in between her and killing Abby. But the one person she holds a grudge against to the point of killing hundreds of innocent people without batting an eye, that is the person she is suddenly capable of feeling pity/empathy for? Is it really that surprising that Ellie's actions here feel forced, uncharacteristic, and illogical? But it actually gets worse. In an additional display of Druckmann not knowing how humans work, we have Ellie putting her backpack with all her gear in the boat, looking at her bloody hand and then remembering "Oh yeah, that's the woman who killed Joel. I almost forgot.” And at this point in my playthrough I was laughing out loud. And so, we have Ellie all of sudden determined to kill Abby again, so much so that she is willing to threaten an innocent child’s life (this by the way was the final nail in the coffin for me, they thoroughly obliterated Ellie’s character throughout the entire game, but this goes against the very core of her being). And we know the rest, they fight, Ellie nearly kills Abby but eventually lets her go. To summarize what happened in the three minutes before our big emotional payoff to our 25 hour-long journey of playing this epitome of misery porn: Ellie has 3 - count them 3!!! - changes of heart. Her motivation does a perfect 180 almost every minute. This is not how people work! That’s lazy, contrived beyond believe, and borderline comical levels of writing, because Druckmann prioritized having a final boss battle on a beach over organic, coherent, and logical storytelling (but I guess it was worth it for the goddamn visuals). However, what’s most infuriating is that there are such easy fixes if one only thinks about it for more than two minutes that could erase nearly all for the major issues I just illustrated while maintaining the plot points of the two fighting on a beach and Ellie letting Abby go. If we have Ellie walk to the beach immediately, finding Abby there untying the boat (Lev nearly passed out in the boat, Ellie not seeing him) and she then attacks Abby, immediately we have erased two of Ellie’s changes of heart, she remains consistent in her goals/motivation, not jumping back and forth between two extremes. The two women fight much like we see it in the game, and then as Ellie is about to finish it, we hear Lev calling out to Abby. And there we have our motivation for Ellie to not kill her. Not because she gets a random, convenient flashback, not because she forgives Abby (Abby has done nothing to earn Ellie’s forgiveness), not because Abby has earned her redemption, but because Ellie cannot find it in her to put an innocent child through the pain Abby has put her through. Because at the end of the day, Ellie’s hatred for Abby does not outweigh her capacity for compassion and empathy for those deserving of it (a core characteristic of hers that was established in the first game). Because Ellie would rather let an individual live that is undeserving of it than cause the same pain she was put through to an innocent child that is undeserving of it. Granted, if we were to go with this ending, we would still have to build towards it properly and therefore would have to tweak the rest of the game, mainly by showing Ellie being self-reflective, merciful towards innocents, and even doubtful about her goals at times to make her final decision informed by prior developments in order to have the character arc actually be a gradual transformation leading to a logical conclusion. I have been a writer for nearly 4 years now, which means I am in no way an expert, or the most creatively talented person around and yet I would argue that this ending would be much more satisfying to most players than the alternative we were presented with. Because as it stands, none of our actions or decisions (and yes that is something important to consider when we are working within the medium of video games), or Ellie’s for that matter, lead up to this conclusion. The conclusion to this story, the final moment, the big emotional payoff hinges on a random flashback, not on any other developments that previously occurred in the story. Subsequently rendering all of the 25 hours entirely pointless, none of it had an influence on the finale, none of it mattered narratively speaking. So, is it even a surprise that many found this to be dissatisfying? I noticed a few people who are fond of Abby accusing people feeling differently of having too much of an emotional bias or even going as far as to say they are less emotionally intelligent. This is problematic for two reasons, a) different people have different reasons for disliking Ellie’s final choice. Some still hate Abby as much as in the beginning, others feel drained and indifferent, and others still feel similarly to how I feel in that it’s mainly narratively dissatisfying. And b) the same story can have a different effect on any amount of people (otherwise, we would have settled the discussion about what the greatest movie all of time is long ago). My point being, that no matter how you feel about this particular story you are 100% justified in feeling this way, and yes that includes people that by the end of the game still hate Abby just as much as they did the moment she bashed Joel’s skull in. That does not necessarily have to be personal bias, more often than not it’s the ability to see through the storytelling techniques used, rendering them mostly ineffective for these people (and I include myself in this). I wanted Ellie to kill Abby not because I was unable to empathize with her or couldn’t see past my own personal bias, but because that would have been the logical, narratively satisfying conclusion to this specific story.

[kojinnie]

Hello, I hope youvare doing fine !

It's for the Twisted Match-up ! My worst personality traits are : being too judgemental, run away from problems and insecure (idk if the second one can be considered a personality trait). My fav, character would be Hanji 😁

-🌱

Tags: a break-up fic, mild angst, modern!au

Summary: Reader left Hange with a farewell note, and in the reader’s absence, Hange finally confesses how they truly feel about you.

A/N: Thank you for the req, sweetie! Hange is perhaps my #1 character in the whole AOT and I always tried to refrain from writing about them as I fear I may not do my love justice. But for you, I tried and hope you’ll enjoy it~

- They/them for Hange's pronoun.

“I should’ve known,” Hange Zoe muttered to themselves. There was no contempt nor sadness in their voice, just a plain acknowledgment.

The seat that you sat on earlier was now empty after you left abruptly, leaving enough space for all Hange’s unanswered questions of what caused your departure. The diner where you left Hange alone had suddenly became packed since lunchtime had started, and in that commotion of people coming in and out, Hange realized that they had understood since long time ago why you would eventually leave, they just didn’t want to acknowledge it sooner.

For better or worse, the two of you shared a lot in common and one of those is the ability to trick oneself into thinking that everything was alright, until it’s not.

Hange left for a business trip the past week, and the last time the two of you met, there was an obvious spite in you. It started with messages left unreplied and calls that Hange missed from you, as they were preparing for a big project. You knew already that Hange was the type to immerse themselves in their work. There was a fire you could never put out and that was Hange’s devotion for their work. But for once you wanted to be prioritized and Hange missed every chance to do so.

Hange had the capability to trivialize feelings as if it is secondary to almost everything, and they thought if they were to return to you after the trip, with their big smile and their ramblings about all the amazing things they saw while away, you would cave in and share their excitement all the same.

“I should’ve known,” Hange mumbled on their own again, staring at your drink that was left untouched by you, “you were never on board.”

You had left the leather notebook that Hange gave you on your last birthday wide open on the diner table. Within, you had written all the things you wished you could say to them that you never had the courage for.

Dear Hange— you wrote. Hange sighed as a realization suddenly grew inside them, while looking at the words that you had written in blotted inks. Hange was only a line into your letter, upon realizing that they never knew how your handwriting looked like until now. The way certain alphabets twisted in a way Hange had never seen before – how many months had passed since the two of you had been together? And yet it never passed Hange’s mind how your words would look like written, nor did it ever bother them for not knowing.

Hange put your letter down and reached out to the other side of the table to sip your untouched drink for a while. They needed time to process your departure.

Hange knew that you had been crying while writing the letter. Evident by the blots in the ink and the crumpled edge. It’s odd because rather than feeling upset, Hange felt a sense of achievement for picking up the details, which sparked an uncanny inner struggle within them, “Could it be…” Hange mumbled to themselves, “that I don’t care?”

For the longest time, Hange had taken pride in being perceptive and observant – at least that’s what Levi and Erwin often call them,and maybe the compliment started to get into Hange’s head, as much as  they would not like to think of their vanity. Yet the ironies persisted; that Hange would pick up small, irrelevant details but would be oblivious to something so obviously displayed in front of their eyes: how unhappy you were.

I couldn’t say this to you directly, because I know you have such power on me, to make me sit and smile and pretend that everything’s okay. To make me laugh and praise as you talk and talk about how exciting the things you do with Erwin and Levi.

“Oh…” realization continued to hit as Hange reminisced the way your face lit up whenever they shared to you all about their works and achievement. Hange thought you were genuinely rejoicing their achievement and took it as yours as well, but then Hange realized moments too late that you weren’t.

Has it ever occured to you that I also want to be celebrated and it’s not always had to be about what you and your accomplished peers have achieved?

Hange leaned back to the booth cushion, gazing aimlessly at people rushing their meal, for lunchtime was going to be over soon. Hange remembered that one evening, you were hungry and Hange took you to this diner, where the two of you sat at this very booth. You didn’t touch your food, you were sighing repeatedly and moved about in your seat. Hange knew how an agitated person looked like.

“Something wrong?”

You shrugged off, sighing heavily, “My end-year review is coming up soon,” There was an obvious worry in the way you spoke, “I don’t think I’m gonna get promoted.”

Hange remembered that they sat there in silence for a while, before stuffing their mouth with roasted ham they ordered, “Urgh, that sucks. But don’t worry though, I’m sure you’ll do fine—oh anyway, did you check today’s headline?” And with no hesitation Hange dropped the topic you were about to pour out that night.

Hange started to realize the problem.

I needed your reassurance but you were too.. out there.. with your experiments, researches and business trips to even realize.

When I go out with you and your friends, and all of you were laughing for things I didn’t understand… I often wonder whether you were laughing with me, or at me.

Hange realized that it wasn’t fair, for the two of you equally. They realized that they should’ve involved you more and not just used you as an outlet to pour their stories excitements at times. Hange felt guilt creeping within them, but quickly muttered in defense: “How am I supposed to know? You never told me.”

“You’re so quick to judge,” Hange said again, almost whispering, to the empty seat in front of them, with their fingers tracing the lines of your writing, “Is that how you thought of us all along?”

“What do you need reassurance for anyway?” Hange’s wondering was quick to turn into annoyance, “I don’t read minds.”

I’m not as good as you, you wrote. The ink almost faded out beyond recognition, you must had cried the worse when you got to this part, Hange thought.

Never will be as good as you. Or Levi. Or Erwin. I know I should be proud of you – but why all I ever felt was envy and jealousy?

Weren’t you supposed to be my solace, Hange?

“You should’ve told me…” Hange finally resolved, dragging their gaze to the afternoon view through the diner window. Bustling city felt so hollow without you. You were supposed to have a lunch with Hange, first time after they returned from the business trip. Hange had so much to talk about, things they pent up throughout the trip because Hange couldn’t wait to share it to you. To see the smile looming on your face, something so beautiful for Hange – one that they didn’t encounter often in their suffocating, busy life.

Hange thought, maybe you were quick to judge because you had been hurt by every type of people that had ever came into your life. Maybe to assume the worst from people had given you aid from being disappointed by people you love. Hange tried to understand, but without you knowing, for Hange, no validation or praise from anybody had encouraged them more than yours. You were the only validation Hange sought after. And to realize that maybe you never meant all those had finally started to hurt Hange, as much as they tried to shrug it off.

“You shouldn’t have left,” Hange regretted going to the loo, or not coming to their sense faster to realize that you were hurting. Maybe you wouldn’t have space and time to slip away and to only leave this notebook behind. Yet Hange also cursed your fear of confrontation, leaving everything to your worst assumption, “then maybe we could talk this out.”

“Unless you never wanted to, to begin with.” Hange cursed themselves for not better at reading between the lines of your words. Maybe that was why your hands were no longer warm to their touch, nor was your kiss as long and deep as they used to. Maybe deep inside, despite your smile and your nods, your heart was no longer home.  

I wish you could see who am I really and not as a figment of your imagination, you wrote, with sides of the page crumpled from the tears you had left upon writing it.

The line struck a final understanding for Hanji, as they muttered in regret, “I won’t,” deep inside really wishing that you were there in front of them, “because you always see less of yourself and that’s never who you are.”

“You’re more than all of your self-pity.” Hange reiterated, finally closing the notebook where you had poured all your heart into, “you’re more than all that.”

And Hange wished you would have known.

Honestly I feel like there's a void in the ending. Like something's misplaced. Sorry if it feels weird, I'm still tryna recover from chapter 138 😭💔

[whentherewerebicycles]

such a good sunday :) lots of active time but in a way that felt fun and not like a chore, which is always the goal. took a long walk with Ruthie this morning, skated for 45 min this afternoon, and took another long walk with Pip in the early evening. the grocery store was still really picked over (very little produce and nothing from the fridges) but I made a really spicy pantry staples pasta dish with chickpeas that was pretty good.

I didn’t get any fiction writing done today, but I did do some good future planning/writing re: research and career stuff this afternoon while the dogs napped.

some thoughts post-future planning: I’m trying to be a little more proactive about my own life, I guess. I feel like I spent the years between ages 15-23ish in this hyper-driven, hypercompetitive mode, where I was soooo driven by the need to secure external achievements and be the best/smartest/most accomplished at whatever, mostly because it felt like the only way I could see out of the deep pit of intense self-loathing I spent so many years stewing in. my mid-to-late 20s and early 30s have definitely been a time of just, like, figuring out what it means to be healthy (emotionally, physically, and in my friendships and relationships) and learning how to prioritize happiness, self-compassion, lightness, joy, etc in my life and work—which meant consciously jettisoning the external achievement-oriented values system that so structured those earlier phases of my life.

but I’ve been thinking a lot lately (yes partly because of sports, lol) that in both phases I may have swung a little too far in one direction, or gone too far towards one extreme. the hypercompetitive achievement-focused version of myself wasn’t healthy because it just gave me this rigid exoskeleton I believed would protect/shield me without addressing the fact that all the soft vulnerable inside parts of my self were so shot through with self-critical self-hatred I was pretty much rotting from within. I really NEEDED to swing very, very far in the opposite direction in order to start reckoning with the damage that all of these awful corrosive feelings had been doing to my head/heart/self for so long. I guess one way to describe that second extreme swing is: I had to learn how to extend compassion and total acceptance to myself while having no expectations of myself, almost to prove to myself that it was possible. I had to prove to myself that you didn’t have to achieve anything or win anything or have grandiose ambitions for yourself to be worthy of love, tenderness, care. you could just be, and still deserve to be alive.

but I think that maybe now I am ready to start looking for a middle ground, or a third way forward that lies somewhere between those two ways of living in the world/in oneself. I want to find a way to synthesize the good parts of both into something new. I needed the time to be directionless (well—directionless for me, I guess, by my old standards) and completely at peace with it, but I also know from experience that I do thrive in those competitive (or at least higher-pressure) situations where I have to think quickly, creatively, and daringly, and where I am much more frequently testing the limits of what I know or know how to do.

I feel like I used to chase achievements like something was chasing after me—something terrifying that was always hot on my heels, threatening to imminently overtake and devour me. I don’t want to ever feel like that again! but I do want to find ways to move through my life, through the world, and through my work/career in a more purposeful way than I’ve been doing for the past few years. I want to take more initiative instead of just drifting from place to place. I want to not only accept but actively seek out more experiences that challenge me, in healthy and generative ways. I want to test myself—not to see if I’ll break, but to see what more I am capable of doing and learning. I also want the desire to work more purposefully to come not from a need to be recognized with external achievements, but from the understanding that I can do the work I love more effectively if I am better connected and more deeply engaged in communities of people who are pursuing similar work.

I want to keep thinking about what it would look like to pursue excellence not in exacting or self-punishing ways, but as an extension of the care I offer myself. as a teacher I know that giving students the easy out might seem like the most humane or compassionate response in the moment—but when I let someone only & always stay where they are comfortable, or when I step in too quickly to solve a problem for them, I am depriving them of opportunities for real and meaningful growth, the kind that ultimately helps people become confident, secure adults who trust themselves to be able to respond to unfamiliar situations or tackle complex challenges. I want to teach/mentor myself like that too! I want to embrace the idea that caring for myself means creating opportunities for myself to struggle productively, in ways that test and challenge me, and ultimately help me mature into a more secure and capable adult version of myself.

lol okay well more on this later, probably! when I started writing I just meant to post a three-sentence end-of-day update and it got away from me a bit. but these are some thoughts that I am mulling over this week.

[painted-crow]

Submission time #22

I was hopping between Burned Badger and Burned Snake but now I retook the quiz and it opened up the possibility of a Gryffindor Primary and I really don't know. Whatever primary I am it's probably burned if I'm this lost.

As for my secondary, I'm pretty positive I'm a Courtier Badger. I was confused before about how Badger-like my secondary seemed except for the matching people which seemed very Slytherin but Courtier Badger fits that.

Okay, let's get started then!

Anyways,

PRIMARY

Would you lie to an acquaintance to save their peace of mind? Would it make you feel grimy to do it?

No. They need to know the truth so that they can make the next choice. It would be immoral of me to withhold the choice from them - essentially to think I know better than them what is good or right for them. If I didn’t care much about them and lying made my life easier I’d do it, though. It depends on the question, I guess.

Sounds like you really care about letting people make their own choices. This "you need to know the truth so you can decide" is interesting; it reads as Bird, actually. Which doesn't help much if you're stuck between the Loyalist Houses, huh? xD

The most important things in my world and my life are the people I love.

I don’t know. I can’t protect them, and if I can’t do that how can I say that they’re the most important thing to me. Of course I’d save them over a stranger if I had to make that choice but that's in extreme circumstances and in the day to day that isn’t (and I’m glad it isn’t) relevant.

*whistles* okay, this reads burned Snake. Sometimes Snakes Burn because they feel they're not capable of living up to the responsibility of being Snakes.

Bean in Ender's Shadow is my pet example of this: he has a whole lot of guilt over failing to protect the people he cares about, so he spends a lot of the book trying to be a Bird instead, and rationalizing himself in circles when his slowly unburning Snake wants to attach to people and prioritize them.

Does someone being part of your community or world mean you owe them something?

I don’t know that I owe them, but the people of the world deserve kindness and compassion and when they’ve acted in a way that doesn’t deserve that they still deserve fairness.

This has a really Idealist ring to it. Not just because you're like "owe? uhhh no?" but because you're answering this question, which is focused on personal obligation to others, with principles (ideals) about the way the world Should work and what people deserve. That's a very Idealist lens you're using here.

At the end of the day, some things are right and some things are wrong. You don't turn your back on the people you love.

This question is supposed to suss out Loyalists vs Idealists, but it's very possible to have loyalty coded as Right into Lion intuition or a Bird system.

If you get a chance to make the world a better place, you have to pursue it-- even at the expense of your happiness and personal relationships. Do you think this is a true statement?

I don’t think it’s possible to make the world a better place when you’re making it worse for you and your loved ones.

Fair. I'm not sure what House this reads. Seems like a logical reaction, though.

I'm not going to really go into the secondary cause like I said I'm pretty positive I'm a Courtier Badger; I just want to say something about shortcuts: I find them useful and they can make things fun if things are too difficult (though the opposite can also be true because things that are too easy aren't fun either), but I tend not to notice them. I'll often find myself banging at a wall until someone points out that I can go around. 

Hmm, okay! Valid. I'd say maybe double check Snake just in case? but it really is up to you.

So, this has me kinda stumped, I'll admit. My guess is that you're a burned Snake with a loud Bird model you're running on in its place.

I think you give off more Snake than Badger, and more Bird than burned Lion (which I also briefly considered for your model).

It doesn't seem like you feel obligation to communities or humanity as a whole. You have principles about how people should be treated, but your morality doesn't seem to revolve around others the way a Badger's would.

You do have a tired Loyalist streak to you, and if you're unsatisfied with just Bird--if you feel the need to have important people at the center of your life, but don't trust yourself to live up to the responsibility of having them--that's a form of burned Snake.

You seem to have a pretty solid Bird model though. I wonder sometimes if I oversort into Bird, but it's not uncommon even for healthy Snakes to pick up a Bird model for decisions where their people aren't directly relevant.

Thing is, Birds often have a sound, like a rhythm to their thoughts that comes out in their writing. It's like a written accent. It's hard to describe, but there's this desire for completeness and self examination, and this particular structure, like a time signature... and then there's our tendency to ramble, especially if we think we haven't been clear enough xD

I get some of that from you, a little, but it doesn’t seem hard-wired the way full Birds are. You’re used to thinking this way, but it's not your native language.

The longer I write, the more certain I am of my guess. I'm having a hard time picking up burned Badger from you. Burned Snake fits, I think. It's up to you, of course, but that's what I've got for you.

[montosmadman]

I was tagged by @soy-celeste ages ago. This was hard but also super rewarding because I really got to take a deep dive in the murky depths of my own music library. Thanks for thinking of me, Cata💕

Task: choose TEN SONGS that describe your personal aesthetic / how you see yourself. Bonus points if you write a little explanation for each song, that‘s not a must though.

List under a read more because it turned out really long and includes some very personal and possibly triggering mental health stuff.

I'm tagging @capitanogiorgio @hendos @furiousflamewolf @checoswin and @diegoalvesisgod

1. Nakashima Mika - 僕が死のうと思ったのは

The title loosely translates to "The reason I thought I'd die" or "The time I thought I'd die". Yes, I went there right off the bat.

Let's get something straight: I'm not suicidal. I have never been actively suicidal, despite struggling with depression and anxiety most of my teenage/adult life. However, what this song captures for me is the feeling when you're not actively thinking about killing yourself, but you do have this empty feeling when you think there's no point for you being alive. And that's something I'm very familiar with.

There are a couple lines I wanna highlight, even though the whole song hits me very hard whenever I listen to it:

その木漏れ日でうたた寝したら、虫の死骸と土になれるかな

If I lie down beneath the sunlight streaming through the trees, will I become like the dirt and insect remains?

あなたのような人が生きてる世界に少し期待するよ

If people like you are living in this world, then maybe it’s alright to hope a little too.

The first line does what I talked about to above: it's the feeling when you just lie down and wonder if anything would change if you just disappeared. The second line -- last one of the song -- has more hope. It's when you find a reason to believe in the future and realize there is still a reason to live. Personally, I'm trying to hang very hard on that last thought even when the world seems to be against me.

(Full translation in a pinned comment under the Youtube video)

2. The Ark - Little Dysfunk You

No essay here. I just needed to have The Ark on the list because they're the official soundtrack of my life, the first band whose album I bought myself, and who taught me it was okay not to fit in. I even have a tattoo that says "a little dysfunk" because my best friend and I have been relating to this song long before either one of us realized we weren't neurotypical. It's the very dysfunctional ode to our friendship, and I love it.

3. Elton John - Rocket Man

I feel like this might be a universal experience growing up neurodiverse and/or an outsider. You spend years feeling like you're alone in space, on another planet, and you want to connect with people but at the same time know that once you come back, you still won't be the person others want or expect you to be. The challenge is to accept that and realize it's okay and you don't need to change yourself for others. And it really is hard when you're raised in a society where the odds are stacked against you.

4. Sanni - Jos mä oon oikee

Look, I'm giving you something in Finnish too!

Sanni is one of the Finnish artists whose breakthrough I originally missed because I was living abroad. I only properly discovered her a couple years after moving back, when I was driving a lot for my work and hence listening to the radio much more than I used to. Her songs just kept standing out from the rest: her lyrics had this amazing depth even when she was singing about mundane stuff -- like, she was finding these painful truths I hadn't ever spoken but felt very clearly.

That said, I had to choose the one song that's actually very upfront with this idea of being an outsider and not feeling like a part of this world. The title translates to "If I am real" and that pretty much sums it up. It's a song about feeling lonely in the middle of a crowded room, feeling like no one sees you or cares what you do. I personally have this habit of taking a step back and observing people rather than getting involved -- and even when I do, it rarely feels like it's really me out there, because I'm so used to masking and acting like everyone else just to fit in, you know?

I'll finish this off with my favourite verse, translated by yours truly. The last line especially hits home super hard no matter how many times I hear it.

Rautatieasema maanantaina ruuhkaisa Kaikilla tuntuu olevan kiire ja suunta Mä oon ulkopuolella vaik seison sisällä Jos oon jo kotona miten voi olla koti-ikävä

The railway station on Monday is crowded Everyone seems to be in a rush and have a direction I'm outside even though I'm standing inside How can I feel homesick when I'm already home

5. Shobha - Last Exit To Freedom

Full disclosure: Degrassi has been one of my comfort series for many, many years. When this song was first introduced in Next Class, it hit me really hard because it was woven into this whole storyline about depression and suicide, which at the time spoke to me a lot. I repeat, I have never been suicidal, but I do get the headspace that could drive people into it.

However, listening to it again now, it's mostly the message of hope that shines through to me. It's a song that can take two very different readings depending on what your own baggage is. And the series actually acknowledges that later on, which I think is not only beautiful but also extremely important.

There's empty places in my life and I need to breathe There's empty spaces on the map waiting there for me

I've never felt more free than when I actually drop my responsibilities and just go where I want to go. I need that space to breathe, and that's why it has always been such a relief when I could just pack up and start over in a new place. Some might call it running away from my troubles -- and they wouldn't be completely wrong -- but that doesn't change the fact that I've always valued my own freedom above any arbitrary societal norms.

6. Scandinavian Music Group - Näin minä vihellän matkallani

SMG is another one of those bands I grew up on and have seen live several times, so they needed to be here. This song is more on the "aesthetic" end of scale than how I see myself. In fact, I've many times hoped I could be like the narrator of this song. I'll give you a couple of verses to explain:

Kun minulta viedään kaikki Autan kantamaan Ja kun lopulta kaadun Teen sen näyttävästi

When everything's taken from me I'll help them carry it And when I finally fall I'll do it with a flair

Minä vihellän matkallani Näin minä vihellän matkallani Jos sen on oltava niin Olkoon sitten niin

I'm whistling on my journey See how I'm whistling on my journey If this is how things have to be Then so be it

It's this carefree attitude. Laughing in the face of hardship and controversy. There's another amazing line about getting back to the saddle after you fall and swearing you'd do it all over again. I've never been able to do that, because I carry all my old failures and pains so close to the surface, and could never just shake them off with a shrug, no matter how minor.

But on another level, I keep hearing from people who I thought knew me that I don't seem depressed. And who can blame them: on the outside, it probably looks like I bounce back from hardships really fast, because I'm so used to masking my issues that the moment I'm physically capable of doing it, I will. So you might say this song is a picture of my outer self, though it hardly mirrors what's really going on.

7. Queen - Don't Stop Me Now

I'm a firm believer that if my life was a teen movie, this is the song I'd have playing in the final scene where I'd just go "fuck that" and started dancing with @mirkwoodstock in the middle of the parking lot of something. It's my ultimate party anthem, the one that always has me dancing and singing along no matter where I am.

Back when we were at the university, Nanna and I used to go to this rock'n'roll club in town and they'd always play Don't Stop Me Now close to the end of the night, and it really became our song. Like, no matter how shitty I felt, when it came on, I'd be there, and so would she. And that's why it also deserves to be on the list.

8. Blind Channel - Died Enough For You

Throwing a rare newer song into the mix. The moment I heard this song, I knew I'd be listening to it a lot. There's also an acoustic version if you're not a fan of the genre or if you just wanna have a different perspective. Blind Channel is also representing Finland in Eurovision next week, and I'm living for it.

Advertising aside, Died Enough For You takes me to some really dark times in my life. I've been in relationships, both romantic and not, where I've been carrying the other person and giving so much of myself, risking my own mental health (which was not that good to begin with) and not getting much in return. There comes a point where you have to prioritize yourself and admit that dragging yourself into the same abyss is not going help anyone. Unfortunately, usually it takes more strength to admit that and leave than to stay in the relationship that's hurting you.

I'm still talking to some of these people, but I've learned to give myself a permission to sign off when I notice that by helping them I'm only hurting myself more. Someone else's wellbeing cannot be my responsibility when I'm struggling to keep myself afloat. And I truly hope everyone who is supporting me also knows that.

9. Aqua Timez - 真夜中のオーケストラ

Title translates to "Midnight Orchestra". Yes, it's from Naruto. I discovered it back when I was still more involved in anime fandom stuff, and fell for it again year ago when I binged the anime when to lockdowns started, because I needed an escape.

And what an escape it was. Have you ever heard a song and immediately went "I need a tattoo of this", or is that just me? I'm probably not going to get a tattoo because I don't trust non-Japanese artists to get the kanjis right, but the song still captures something very real about loneliness that's not really visible but still very much there. Like, the moment when you meet a person you can truly relate to and for the first time realize you'd been feeling lonely all that time. That's what this song describes to me.

Below are a few verses towards the end of the song. I've bolded the one that first caught my attention (and which I still have as the title of my Japan sideblog).

真夜中の詩が叫んだ「僕ほんとうは独りが　嫌いだ　大嫌いだ」 独りぼっちで　生きてゆけてしまうなんてこと

The song of midnight cried out "I truly hate being alone more than anything" I hate to go on living completely alone…

幸せなんて　小さなスプーンで掬えるくらいで充分なんだ 分け合える人がいるか　いないかだけ

All I need is being able to scoop happiness with a tiny spoon so long as I have someone to share it with

(Full translation)

真夜中の詩は叫ぶよ「僕ほんとうは　僕ほんとうは　淋しかった」 太陽の眩しさに　かき消されても

The song of midnight cried out "I was truly, truly… lonely" Even if I were to be erased by the sun's radiance

10. Jenni Vartiainen (Apulanta) - Mato

This song, named "Worm", was originally released by Finnish rock band Apulanta in 1997. The lyrics, while they might make sense as individual statements, are basically gibberish when you combine them into one piece and try to understand the meaning. There is none. Anyways, the version I chose is a remake by another artist, first performed on the Finnish version of The Best Singers format. It doesn't make any more sense, I just like it better because Jenni is hot and she made it so much fun.

And the reason it's on this list? Welcome to my brain, folks! Sometimes, especially when I'm overwhelmed by lots of external stimuli, my mind tends to just wander wherever the hell it pleases and make connections even I don't get. It also likes to forget the stuff I said just a second a go, so I can switch subjects on the go without even noticing. It's very soothing to have music that doesn't require me to make those connections when that happens.

And now, I shall close this massive post with the first verse of this masterpiece:

Minä tahdon ulos, tahdon ulos kattilasta Minä tahdon pelastaa vielä sinutkin kiehumasta Minä tahdon lentää ulos vessan ikkunasta Minä tahdon tietää kaiken teidän karkkimaasta

I want out, I want out of this kettle I also want to save you from boiling I want to fly out of the toilet window I want to know everything about your candy land

Stay safe and take care of yourselves my dears💕

[shintorikhazumi]

I Have Two Sisters?! Chapter 1: Three Sisters and The Bastard Father (An LWAxRWBYxStarira Crossover)

A/N: What’s crazier than me writing a crossover I can’t get out of my head at 2am while still having multiple wips?

Writing a three-way crossover until 3am!!! (Ended at nearly 5am tho)

GAHHHHH.

Btw, this is a non-magic au. So Diana has no magic, and Weiss has no… semblance. Yes. Because the world of RWBY always goes “???!! OHMG, magic?!” Quite ironically. They become impressed at people turning into birds, but never flinch at Ruby who can separate herself on a molecular level. Sure.

I’ll be updating this sporadically, tbh. The updates will be as random as the coming of this idea. I do like it a lot, so I look forward to working on it. Just have to prioritize the wips.

[DO CHECK OUT THE END NOTES FOR SOME OF THE AU DETAILS AND BACKGROUND]

Still, I couldn’t let the concept pass me by so…

Enjoy?

~Shintori Khazumi

  I Have Two Sisters?! Chapter 1: Three Sisters and The Bastard Father

  The wind blew strong outside, rain water cold against her bleeding cheek. The numbness was her only relief from pain nowadays. She’d lost count of how many bruises she’d gotten this week. If only her mother hadn’t passed… If only she hadn’t had a bastard of a father.

Then maybe Diana’s life would have been much better than the shell that it now was.

He left her and her mother just as she turned three, the only support she got in the form of random gifts and her financial needs. Her father was nothing of a father. The man that… helped make her was never there. He never showed he cared. Everything he gave her felt obligatory. She hated it. Heck, she didn’t even know his last name, much less remember what he looked like. She did try looking it up at some point, but it seemed as if he was some kind of bigshot she couldn’t name.

Neither her mom nor her aunt had divulged his identity, so she had long since drew a blank to the man’s identity. All she knew was that his name was ‘Jack’ or something of the sort. She had long since adopted her mother’s as it didn’t feel right to take the name of a man she never knew.

All she knew was that he was the cause of all her sorrows. That wretched man had left her and her mother to fend for themselves. Even though her mom was of a strong, well-known medical lineage here in Britain, the fact that she had gotten pregnant out of wedlock labelled her as a shame to the Cavendish name, and she had been cast out to a vacation home in the outskirts of the foreign country, Japan.

After her death, however, the women who Diana now saw as practically witches with how cruel and evil they were decided that because their blood ran through her, took over their small land that she and her mother had cried blood and tears to call their own, and exploited the underage girl, believing she might be of some use as a pawn at the very least, for the sake of the Cavendish name.

And she was. For some time, until she had injured her arm, and was no longer capable of becoming the kind of doctor they wanted her to be, her hand slowly losing its immaculate dexterity, becoming constantly shaky, rendering her as only half the worth she originally was, and thus completely useless besides being their punching bag. Quite literally.

Diana Cavendish found herself spending the better part of her life being abused, and hiding in tool sheds, and escaping her dreaded household at every waking moment, just as she was doing right now.

She hardly believed in any religion, but she found herself always praying to get away from this hellish nightmare. She’d hope that even if she only had a jerk of a father, he’d soon realize that she was his flesh and blood that needed saving.

A hard knock came on the wood of her shed’s door. She flinched, no sound escaping. Had they found her?!

“Miss Cavendish? Miss Diana Cavendish? Are you in here?” An unfamiliar voice called for her, bold and confident sounding, but with kindness and worry interlaced. She felt like it was someone she should respond to. The situation felt like it was some kind of divine calling she should answer.

With legs shaking, she stood up, unlatching the bar that held the door closed and stepping out into the now late night that reeked of hot pavement, rain having stopped while she was lost in thought.

A police officer, clad in uniform and raincoat smiled at her in pity. She was both grateful for- and hated- that gaze. She wished it had come sooner, but at the same time, she disliked being thought of as sad and pathetic.

“Your aunt and her family have been arrested, Miss.” Her ears perked up at the voice and the message they conveyed. Looking up from the ground, she stared into the truthful eyes of the cop. “You’re safe now.”

And she truly hoped she was.

  //-//-//-//-//

  “Weiss.”

At the mention of her name from that familiar voice, she rolled her eyes internally, holding in the urge to snap at the man she called ‘father’.

“What.”

Maybe her control wasn’t as good as she thought.

“Don’t give me that tone. I know you hate me, but I am still the one that raised you!”

“You mean, you’re the one that paid for me.” The ex-heiress pointed out. Her father gritted his teeth, frown deepening as he stepped forward in an attempt to exert his dominance.

Weiss only raised a brow in challenge.

“Anyway.” Jacques continued. Weiss would have smirked as he neither acknowledged nor denied her statement, but she felt it wasn’t the best time. “You are yet to turn twenty, and as you aren’t considered an adult yet-“

“But I’m nineteen, father.” Weiss stated, confused, her raised brow now raised in question. “I’m of legal age, to drink even.”

“Not in Japan you aren’t.” He replied with a smirk so evil, Weiss would have loved to slap it right off if her mind wasn’t thrown in a state of emergency, dreading whatever plans her father had. Even if she wanted to do as she pleased, she couldn’t completely go against him as she was at the moment. Their family name was too widespread and known in the business world, and she feared the consequences of running away from her father who currently had her safety- and practically her life- in the palm of his hand.

“What are you planning.” She narrowed her eyes at him, fearing for the worst, but expertly masking that fear.

“I’ll be sending you away, just as you’ve always wanted. I’ve prepared you an apartment close to a school of my choice to pursue the arts as you so strongly desired,” He spoke in a mocking tone. “And I’ll let you have your way there.” He ended with a smile that sent chills down Weiss’ spine. It sounded too good to be true, her dream being accepted like this. It was like a carrot on a stick being waved in front of her, only to always be out of reach.

“What’s the catch?”

“Catch? My, Weiss, my child, are you questioning your father’s benevolent heart?”

“What’s there to question?” Weiss shot back. “You don’t have one, now do you?”

She grinned at her little victory as she watched him gnashing his teeth, clearly seething in anger. Her smile dropped however as he gave her his own.

“I mentioned Japan’s legal age before.”

And Weiss already knew what he meant.

  //-//-//-//-//

  Life in Seishou had been the dream. Her first two years of high school were the peak of her life, she’d proudly say. She had wonderful friends and comrades who battled side-by-side, pushing one another to greater heights, and… she had someone she adored just a little more than friendship allowed. She had never admitted it, though. Then, a school back in Paris, the place where her mother had blossomed as an actress in the past, offered her a scholarship as an exchange student there.

And like she always did, Claudine excelled. So much so that multiple colleges offered her full rides to attend their institutions. Even highly prestigious universities. Her opportunities were broad, her future looking bright-

-And then news came. Her mother had fallen terminally ill.

She had to go back. She had to see her. She had to be by her side as long as possible.

She had to repay her for the love, for the dream she had given Claudine. She had to be the family her mother had been for her in the absence of a biological father she never knew, and the loss of her adoptive Japanese father at an early age. The lack of a male figure in their family was no cripple to Claudine, but she also missed the presence of the man she knew as her papa. She knew her maman missed him too.

So she had to do this for her mother.

She had to… in the event that… she’d lose her soon as well.

God forbid, Claudine prayed.

She had to return to Japan, study and… get a job, find some way to help her mother pay the increasingly expensive hospital bills, their little family’s saved money steadily disappearing.

She wondered if she should just drop school all together and apply for a troupe. Earn both money and experience.

She had enough rapport both in Japan and France. She could probably get enough opportunities, and she would succeed like she always had…

But…

There was something she wanted to see through, going into university.

When she left for Paris, she had gradually lost contact with all her friends, the culture slowly choking her time, eventually disconnecting them from her.

She’d receive and return the occasional message, but… things were different. She knew she’d drifted apart from everyone.

So, when she found out that they would all be attending the same Arts Institute, and when she had decided to return to Japan for her mother’s sake, she believed it wouldn’t all be that bad if she could apply for a scholarship to the same place, and possibly rebuild everything that was slowly crumbling away.

She wanted to be with everyone again.

And though she believed herself capable of attaining what she wanted on her own, she might require a little assistance from a miracle.

…

And a miracle- could she call this monstrosity of a situation that?- came in the form of a letter that had documents that signified she was the daughter of some ‘Jacques Schnee’ currently undergoing some sort of trial, and because of this, some of the accusations led to the revelation that he was neglecting a daughter, not sending support, and now as some form of bribery and compensation or whatever, he had paid the court to shut up about it if he took responsibility for her now.

Claudine scoffed in disbelief and utter disgust.

So this was her damned biological father? Some apparently bigtime tycoon who slept around and left a woman to fight for herself while carrying his- Claudine would suppose she was now an- illegitimate child.

This… was certainly news she’d never have expected in a million years.

She laughed mirthlessly at it all.

Well, at least her financial crisis had been averted. For better or for worse… she hoped it wasn’t the latter.

One upside was that she now had a clear ticket to that university she wanted to get into, it seemed. Her ‘father’ had taken the liberty of enrolling her there coincidentally. At least he could do something right, Claudine guessed.

“Well… I suppose it’s time to pack.” She sighed falling back onto her current apartment bed, staring at the ceiling.

It wasn’t so bad, maybe. Her newfound reality.

“Japan, I’m coming home to you.”

  //-//-//-//-//

  Diana glared at the letter in her hand angrily. There, in neat script, she saw the name of the man who had caused all her misfortune.

‘Jacques Schnee.’

“I want to hate you for as long as I live…” She gripped the paper so hard, creases were forming and the agent currently assigned to her worried she’d rip it into shreds. “What is this garbage? And why am I… Why can’t I… refuse… this ugly form salvation…” She choked on her sobs, a hand sympathetically rubbing her back.

“Let’s get you ready, Miss.”

Diana nodded in agreement.

-----

All her bags now in her hand after being dropped off by the cab driver, she stared in awe at the slightly modest, but clearly high-end house.

What the hell, did her dad just get her a house?!

Regardless of its size, couldn’t he have… like… gotten her an apartment or condo, at least?

How rich was this asshole father of hers? Was money the only good thing about him? Not that even that was necessarily a good thing.

With a groaning sigh, she unlatched the gate, walking up the little pathway. There were small flowerbeds already present around the yard, and decorations were tastefully placed.

It at least looked the part of cozy.

Once she got to the door, however, angry sounds coming from inside made her question that.

-Wait. This was her house, right?

Why would sounds be…

In a panic, she unlocked the front door with the key that came with the letter, bursting through it like a mad man, blue eyes flickering about the room, shocked to see two pairs of eyes, wide and intense, staring back at her with equal surprise.

“Who…”

“Oh, this is just great!!!” One with hair as white as snow exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air in clear exasperation. “Now we have another one!” She began marching around the room, palms rubbing her face aggressively and scratching through her hair. “That little fuck-“

“-Language.”

“Shut up! I don’t even know who you are, and why you were in my house when I arrived. And you say you aren’t a burglar or whatever, but what is up with your sword play? Even if you were using the curtain pole. Are you some kind of spy or assassin the corporation has sent to finally get rid of me?”

“First of all, this is my house, not yours. And you came at me with a rapier!” A silver-gold blonde replied in equal stress. “You could have killed me!”

“I would never!” The first girl gasped with faux emotion. “At most, you’d lose an ear.”

“Umm…” Diana remained awkwardly fidgeting at the door, her usual bravery and confidence lost in the moment of shock.

“What.”

“I- I am simply here because… apparently my father purchased this place for me.”

Two pairs of eyes blinked once. Twice.

Then realization overtook them.

“Did you just say… father?” The golden-haired one stepped closer to her, a lot less hostile, but still aggressive looking.

“I- Um… yes?”

“Father… you say.” The lady with a rapier in her hand now approached Diana too.

These women were frightening, dear Lord. Diana slowly backed up, but stopped as her foot hit the bags she’d dropped in her frantic moments earlier.

“Can you tell me the name of this… ‘father’ of yours?” Rapier lady asked Diana who was beginning to wonder if she should look for a weapon to defend herself with.

“S-sure. His n-name is…”

“…”

“…”

“Is?”

“Fuck.”

Diana was not one to curse, but it surprised her that she did.

But she couldn’t help it, now could she? After all, her mind had been wiped clean as a white slate. A mental block was not what she needed right now, but just about anything involving that man seemed to bring about her misfortune.

At least the hands by which she’d die her early death were from very beautiful women it seemed.

She liked women, at least?

“Excuse me, um… are you alright?” Miss Golden hair was now very safe-looking and welcoming, Diana subconsciously stepped closer towards her.

“What is up with you? I just asked a question.”

“Perhaps, if you placed the sword down, and looked less like you were trying to murder her and look like you were willing to hear her out…”

Diana expected another heated retaliation, so it was a pleasant surprise to see the other woman sheath her weapon, and place it gently on a plastic-covered couch, clearly brand new.

“There. Happy?” She asked, glaring at the woman now gently holding Diana’s hand- and when had that happened?!

With a nod, the girl turned to Diana and asked again. “What is your father’s name. If you could tell us.”

Huh. She was a lot kinder than Diana had initially taken her for.

“I apologize. I can’t… remember at the moment. I- He hasn’t been around… for me until this point. I just… learned his name a few days ago but…” She hung her head in defeat, apologizing all the while. “Sorry I’m of no assistance to you…”

“No, it’s alright. Isn’t it?” The question was clearly not directed at her as she could only hear a grunt from the other side of the room.

“Yeah, fine.”

“Would your father’s name happen to be Jacques?”

At this, Diana lifted her head, another shocker delivered to her, hearing the familiar name, the cogs in her head clicking into place.

“Yes! Yes, that’s it! Jack, or Jacques or whatever. Snee? Shuni? Schee? I don’t quite remember, but something along those lines.” Diana found herself enthusiastic towards the prospect that some of her questions might be answered.

It seemed the other two shared the same sentiment.

“It’s Schnee.” The white-haired lady corrected, eyes furrowing, anger building up once more. “And… THAT BASTARD OLD MAN!” Grabbing her rapier she swung it around, probably to vent her anger. “He set me up! And what’s more…” She whipped her head about to carefully look the other two people over.

“What is it?” Diana said in a voice quite small.

“Seems he had big secrets to hide.” She sighed. Turning to the initial enemy she had, now turned… stranger? She wasn’t sure they were allies at this point, she stated rather than asked. “I guess it’s the same for you?”

The woman beside Diana nodded, expression looking a lot stiffer than her gentle demeanor as she dealt with Diana earlier.

“I see. I can’t believe this situation.”

“What do you me-“

A voice beside Diana delivered her fourth? Fifth? Sixth?- she’d lost count- Shocker of the day.

“Sisters. It seems we’re… sisters.” Turning to Diana, she held out a hand for a shake. “I’m Claudine.”

“I’m Weiss.” Was the grumble from the couch the woman had flopped on top of.

“…O-oh!” Breaking her stare from the hand, she looked into rose-red eyes. “And I’m-“

And the world suddenly turned black.

‘Hello, My Name is…

[Diana Cavendish]

[Weiss Schnee]

[Saijou Claudine]

-And it seems as though…

I have two sisters?!

  A/N: If you’re asking, yes. Yes, Diana fainted.

Here are some details for this AU btw:

I’ve decided to make Jacques a half-Jap, half german.

So all of them have a quarter of that blood.

Diana is half brit, quarter jap, quarter german

Weiss is ¾ german because of her mom, and ¼ jap.

Claudine is half French, ¼ german, ¼ jap.

Also, if you want to know their ages, and their order, I decided it this way, and let me just quote how I typed it out in the raw idea draft.

“Diana April 30 16yro in anime 2017+3yrs (2020) she's 19 too omg jahahahaha (wrote this coz I’m currently 19 and was amused)

Clau august 1, 2001 19 at present

Weiss Currently 19 (in volumes 5-6) may 15th lmao hahsha. Perfect!!

Wtf Diana was the oldest? Hooo boi. I did expect and want Kuro to be youngest tho, tbh.”

Why their ages are pretty much the same will be mentioned next chap.

And that’s how it went. Decided with Weiss being the legitimate child coz Jacques was the only canonically mentioned dad between the three girls as far as I know. Or I just didn’t search enough.

But come on. I wouldn’t pass at the chance to beat up the dude in a fic so… hihi.

Feedback is super appreciated!

Thank you for reading!

~Shintori Khazumi

[bigskydreaming]

Hey, any comic recs to ensure that I get Dick Grayson character right? Other batfam included, if you're willing. I'm trying to make sure I don't write a character completely ooc, because that drives me up the WALL when I read that. However, since I dubbed you the #1 Dick Grayson person, I thought I'd ask you to make sure I do him justice rather than a smear campaign or something lol! Thanks! ALSO TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT THE TITANS SHOW! That's all xD

LOL thanks I appreciate it, but while I’m good for the rants, for actual comics recs I would go to the likes of @northoftheroad, @hood-ex, and @nightwingmyboi because they’re a lot better than I am at knowing where to find specific stuff and comprehensive reading lists! I tend to jump all over the place in terms of my go-to comics for Dick.....I’m always on about Robin: Year One but I’m like eh Nightwing: Year One is pretty trash tbh. I prefer pre-Flashpoint continuity overall but I did enjoy some of the early Nightwing Rebirth stuff and before that the pre-Forever Evil New 52 stuff had some good beats. But for the most part, my favorite Dick Grayson tends to be him as a member of teams like the Titans....he shines most in ensembles, I think, because his strengths ultimately are that like...he gets people, he knows how people work, and he knows how to get the most out of the people he’s with, how to make people gel and get in sync and become more than just the sum of their parts.

(Speaking of nightwingmyboi, haven’t seen them posting in awhile, anyone know what they’re up to? Hope everything’s okay!)

Which brings me to the problems with the Titans show. There’s a lot I like about it - Anna Diop and Ryan Potter in particular - and a lot I was never gonna like about it - I’m heavy on the Ugh why must Dick Grayson be a cop ever why is that a thing make it stop. And so while I don’t think Brenton Thwaites does like, a bad job with the role or anything, there was always kinda a ceiling on how attached to or invested in his take on the character I was ever gonna reach.

But Season 2. Oof. Let’s talk about Season 2, and how so many of the problems with it are identical to the problems that surround Dick in the comics, but also aren’t limited to just his character or DC and just as equally show up in all kinds of media. Like, I could have (and probably did) offer an identical rant about the role of Scott McCall in TW’s S5.

The problem is one I’ve kinda taken to calling in my head “The Ensemble Lone Wolf Effect.”

This is when writers have a character they nominally want to be part of an ensemble....but that they repeatedly go back to the well of “this character should however spend most of their time on their own, or are more natural on their own, or just wants to be on their own, or also sometimes they just deserve to be on their own cuz they suck for Reasons we decline to specify.”

But its that thing of wanting it both ways....believing a character honestly NEEDS to be a loner or off on their own for the sake of their story, but also still wanting to utilize them as part of an ensemble, not willing to actually MAKE them a solo character, and so it kinda creates this never-ending feedback loop wherein they pay lip service to the character being part of an ensemble, but that’s never really on display, which creates a lot of unnecessary conflict among characters that’s to NONE of their benefits.

(And honestly in the comics, you could apply this to pretty much all the Batfam at times...not just Dick. They do it with Bruce ALL the time, they’re doing it with Damian right now, did it with Tim with Red Robin, Jason most of the time he’s not with the Outlaws and Cass most of the time she’s not with Babs or Steph or the Outsiders. As well as Babs herself at times).

Basically what I’m talking about here is like....so much of the drama in S2....and specifically the parts that most every fan I saw had issues with....came about not organically, because it made sense for the characters to behave that way, but solely in order to launch a specific plot, that the writers clearly wanted for S2:

And that was Dick Grayson off on his own, at his lowest, facing his demons on a solo journey of self-discovery the writers clearly deemed necessary before he could find himself as Nightwing and rise to his most heroic self.

Now the thing is....this isn’t inherently a bad plot or a problem. The problem lies in how they went about it.

Because rather than looking at the overall story and saying okay, that’s what we want to do with Dick Grayson, that’s what we want for HIS story, now how do we get that and where do we take it from there, rather than looking at that as just a STARTING point, and engineering a plot that grows OUT of that.....

The writers just started out by viewing that as an ENDPOINT, and reverse engineered a way to get Dick TO that point first and foremost....at the expense of so many characters who then basically turned on him and held him solely responsible for the things many of them also had a hand in....purely to get him off on his own and isolated.

But that was never necessary!

Because Dick’s character contains multitudes when it comes to guilt and self-blame, everyone knows that. He never needed anyone else to blame him for what happened to Joey because he blamed himself. So the second they conceived of the plot “Slade wants revenge for something Dick at least blames himself for”.....they had all the ingredients needed for Dick to decide proactively that the best way to protect everyone was to put distance between him and them, that he should try and hunt down Slade on his own, solve this between just the two of them.

And that should have been the STARTING point, for that narrative journey of self-exploration, not that journey resulting as an ENDPOINT in and of itself from Dick being FORCED into a kind of isolation by the others all blaming him.

Because now see what ripple effects result:

Now, the other characters are just as able to focus on their own individual storylines as they were in the show, with the additional concern of wanting to ACTUALLY find Dick and figure out what’s going on with him or tell him they still want to help....without this in any way needing to distract them from their own storylines, practically speaking, or cut into Dick’s narrative alone-time, because as part of the equation you ALSO have Slade, who has his own wants and agendas, not to mention tactics. And Slade’s perfectly capable of and willing to work with others, or utilize the long game, or engage in a game of cat and mouse as a distraction...there are numerous ways that you could engineer a plot FROM these motivations that allows him to keep the rest of the Titans distracted and even targeted individually, without allowing them to group back up with Dick or Dick to even know that they’re in danger and that his attempts to avoid that backfired.

You want the characters isolated and divided? The PLOT can do that for you. You don’t need the characters to do that to themselves.

IMO, most if not all stories are meant to advance characters, first and foremost. Take Characters A-Z and leave them different from how you found them. Move them to a different position in their lives as much as anything else, from where they began. The goal is character DEVELOPMENT.

What this means, in my book, is that the plot should serve the characters, NOT the other way around. The plot should grow FROM the characters and what they would or would not do....the characters should never have to be forced to FIT INTO a plot.

That’s backwards.

There shouldn’t be any need to reverse engineer a certain starting point, characterwise.

Just like....start the plot, plotwise....and from the moment you first introduce a single plot element, prioritize how would the characters react and BUILD from there.

The only engineering you should need to do is how to get to an eventual END point....which is still all about the forward momentum, not backing your way into anything.

Its one thing to have an endgoal for your plot, a point in character or narrative development that you want characters to reach. But its all about perspective. About keeping that what you’re working towards rather than something that you like, have to reach before you can even really BEGIN.

Which is what Titans S2 did. The real GOAL of the season in terms of Dick’s storyline, was his solo journey of self-discovery. But there’s a million different ways they could have LAUNCHED that journey, without it having to be the forced and contrived outcome of events and character decisions that literally only existed to initiate a journey that never required a forced initiation.

And so all this narrative energy gets utterly wasted and expended on stuff that it just flat out doesn’t need to be spent on in the first place....instead of just putting that same energy to use building forward-facing storylines for ALL the characters, that don’t require contrived spats of disharmony when the goal of such moments isn’t even the disharmony but rather just that they’re kept apart, the end RESULT of the disharmony.

Imagine what S2 could have built if instead of wasting time, characterization and energy on getting to a point they could have simply started from if they’d simply looked at it that way and chosen to just....start. If they’d applied all that to building across the board, everyone’s story in service to their own character first and foremost, no tangled feedback loops making characters regress or cycle through the same behavior or narrative positionings over and over again in order to not get in each other’s way or cross paths at a time when the show didn’t want them to cross paths....because rather than make all these characters work at cross purposes, they’re all on the same page, they still want the same things....you’re simply engineering from their own natural characterizations and organic decisions and reactions, ways the PLOT can be utilized as a TOOL, to keep them moving forward in their own respective chapters, WITHOUT their characters having to be bent out of their natural shapes or forced into niches that don’t really suit them, just to keep them, PREVENT them, from more naturally or organically making a choice or action that would ‘get in the way’ of the plot.

Bottom line......the plot is supposed to be there to advance the characters, because the characters are what we come to stories for. The characters are who we invest in, relate to, ROOT for.

The characters aren’t there to advance the plot. We’re not here to yell yeah, I really hope the writers do whatever it takes with characters, no matter how backwards or unnatural it seems, just to get that sweet sweet and oh so specific ending we want that is in no way dependent on how invested or not we ACTUALLY are in the characters by the time it arrives, in order for it to actually be effective or not!

Lol. Y’know?

So yeah, that’s my biggest gripe with Titans so far. I’m still eager to see what happens between Kory and her sister, and although I’m not thrilled it seems to be becoming Batfam Straight Outta Gotham rather than like, Titans: The Show, I admit I am curious about what take they’ll go with for Babs. As I still pretty vividly recall that weird as hell Birds of Prey show the CW or UPN or WB or whatever it was at the time did for one season, where Babs was honestly not terribly adapted despite the show otherwise bearing like, zero in common with any existing DC property or character (do not even get me STARTED on their takes on Dinah and Helena, no, blehrrible, those were bad, those were like super bad)....anyway, I’m kinda curious even if it wouldn’t have been my choice for what direction the show should take. Not that I have a specific one in mind, just, yeah. And I also kinda would not hate if we got a new Roy Harper now, to replace the not!Roy of Arrow, because I don’t know him, no seriously, who is that, its not Roy Harper.

[marnz]

pausing my “”productive”” evening to be briefly insane with rage at this extremely stupid, imprecise, and ignorant essay about garth greenwell and ocean vuong, holy shit, i guess punching down is quite easy when you don’t even feel the need to make a point. 

i haven’t finished On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous so I cannot speak to that aspect of the essay other than to say 1) the prose is amazing 2) writing to reach someone is the main function of a writer, you need to approach an emotional work in an emotionally open and receptive manner, 3) the critiques of the novel come across as jealous and a purposefully mean spirited reading. however,

if you READ What Belongs to You, if you READ Cleanness, you understand WHY these books are so sincere and WHY there is so much “”gay suffering”” and it is because the narrator fucking hates himself. This is not a secret. Greenwell’s primary aesthetic project in these books is tackling the intersections of shame and desire. What causes intense shame? The fact that the narrator’s father treated him horribly for his entire life because the narrator is sexually attracted to men--and so Greenwell explores gay sex and intimacy. I don’t think this could have been made more apparent? In the middle section of What Belongs to You the narrator reflects on his relationship with his dying father, and begins by discussing the innocent and familial intimacy between the two of them that vanished immediately when the father realized the narrator was gay, as a child. 

The narrator is “”sincere”” and confessional about everything as a way to convey the intersections of shame and desire using prose that mirrors the looping, sometimes ponderous thought process of the self loathing. He is capable of reflecting on his terrible qualities and unsafe sexual choices, his obsession with self endangerment through sex and his self blame/culpability, because he thinks there is something not only inherently wrong with him, but inherently unlovable. This is something he obsesses about and it is why partially why the book reads as confessional (the other reason is it is the contemporary modern style. Almost every celebrated litfic novelist is doing it nowadays.) Sex is linked danger, shame, and rejection over and over again for the narrator and he struggles to move on from it because it’s all he thinks he deserves! The craft decision to use sex as a way to explore not just shame/desire but the narrator’s character is incredible! More people should do this! In one of the most harrowing chapters of Cleanness, “Gospodar,” the narrator goes to a professional dom and confesses to wanting to become “nothing.” He explicitly engages in humiliation play. Enough said!

The whole “gay suffering gay man sad” thing is NOT done as suffering for shock value or because it’s a sincere belief in what gay people deserve. This was a common critique of What Belongs to You and I agree it’s thankless to read if you went into it expecting gay Pretty Woman or a happy ending, l m a o, especially since one of the other craft projects of the novel is using Mitko to symbolize Bulgaria post iron curtain/””communism.”” Greenwell then uses Cleanness address the gay suffering critiques by exploring the narrator’s relationship with R....and these chapters are absolutely beautiful and moving and healing for the narrator, he finally gets to say shit like:

 “Sex had never been joyful for me before, or almost never, it had always been fraught with shame and anxiety and fear, all of which vanished at the sight of his smile, simply vanished, it poured a cleanness over everything we did” and 

“I caught my breath at [something R did for him], I felt a weird pressure and heat climb my throat. I felt like my heart would burst, those were the words for it, the hackneyed phrase, and I was grateful for them, they were a container for what I felt, proof of its commonness. I was grateful for that, too, the commonness of my feeling; I felt some stubborn strangeness in me ease, I felt like part of the human race.”

I don’t think it’s ever confirmed that the narrator in What Belongs to You is the same narrator as Cleanness but I think they must be because of the social implications of cleanness as related to gay sex and to aspects of shame, especially because in part 3 of WBTY the narrator learns he has syphilis, which is a very publicly disfiguring disease if not treated. It’s sexual leprosy, it is disfiguring shame. We read all of Cleanness understanding certain actions he takes as being because of what happened to Mitko, like insisting on condoms. I think the choice of it being syphilis as opposed to AIDs is purposeful but that is another post i will not be making.

The relationship with R is doomed to fail partially because R also experiences immense shame connected to being gay for a different reason and because the narrator is predisposed to self sabotage and other various reasons. It does end, the narrator goes back to his dangerous sexual practices, and Greenwell is careful to show that part of the reason the narrator does this is because he finds social as well as sexual gratification from it. With R the narrator did not do any form of kink except body worship, but body worship is not what the narrator craves because he craves humiliation play! I think the thing that is most interesting about Cleanness in particular is the way it explores different avenues of intimacy, different modes, you can be with someone for a very long time and feel felt and loved and understood and then be with someone else and feel felt and loved and understood in different, equally important ways. Every single relationship in your life is a trade off of these and your own prioritization of your own needs. Greenwell shows that the narrator’s sexual practices and his love for kink is an important need just as it is a self destructive one because of the linking of shame and desire. This is all made explicit in “The Little Saint” (which we are given to understand is post-R) narrator acts as a dom for once and explores being on the other side of the coin. He gets into it and later finds it very upsetting because for him all shame and humiliation is linked to being gay, which circles back to his father, and the sub ends up explaining to the narrator that you don’t have to dominate someone by humiliating them like that. Like what’s not clicking here!!!!!!! 

My other main frustrations with this essay are:

the linking of sincerity = gay trauma when good art is often about sincerity and sincerity of emotion, either exploring it or eliciting it, even satire, even fucking...marvel movies, lowest common denominator writing wise, try to make their fans feel something

the fact HE CLEARLY DIDN’T READ THE BOOKS. i know Cleanness is set up as a collection of short stories so you have to take it apart line by line  but WBTY is not like that. The shame = bad dad aspect could not have been more clear if it was underlined.

The fact that the essay says Ocean Vuong “is an artist of the memorably obtuse one-liner” as a derogatory thing which is SO rude and comes across as incredibly petty and jealous. Ocean Vuong is a fucking genius. Go after Rupi Kaur if you want to critique a poet who is actually over celebrated, damn

the idea of sincerity = cringe and the inability of many modern critics to moderate their response to a piece of work based on the project or any of its other qualities it is doing instead of like, how it made them feel expressed as sarcastically as possible. I am not a critic but I do not think this is difficult to do. What Belongs to You made me incredibly uncomfortable and sad for much of the book but I was still able to appreciate it? Even when I was like “ahhhhh i hate this” I could understand and appreciate aspects of craft/characterization/emotion/prose/whatever. This is basic shit.

the fact this essay doesn’t even explore the craft genius of Cleanness? it is really subversive to use sex like that in litfic, let alone gay sex...like I understand not liking something just based on your personal tastes but I’m like ?????????? so shocked that the whole craft thing and aesthetic project just doesn’t come up???????? At all?????? ALSO YOU WOULD THINK in an essay that tries to cash in on the outrage of ‘all gay art is suffering’ would explore why the wealthy, straight, white publishing industry and literary elite does invest in gay suffering and the homophobia/history behind it but no! this essay doesn’t even do that!

the fact this got published at all

anyway this essay is stupid and i am stupid for typing up basically an essay about it but like! where else can i do this! if you read all the way to the end pls read Garth Greenwell and Ocean Vuong thanks bye

[fictionplumis]

Fuck it, I’m writing more headcanons I have about Aiden and the Cat School witchers because fuck you, that’s why. 

It goes hand-in-hand with this post here where I first talked about how I see the mutagens affecting them, and I still stand by that but I’ve added more to my thoughts and made things a bit more complex. 

To start with, if I relate anything to a mental illness in a wrong way, please correct me. I am not neurotypical, neither is anyone I know, and I’ve taken a few psych classes, but I’m by no means an expert and the last thing I want to do is contribute to damaging stereotypes and spread misinformation. I also want to say that I’m not necessarily saying it’s any mental illness-like thing that makes Cat witchers the way that they are, but more the lack of knowledge/support/treatment/coping methods combined with the typical shit upbringing of a witcher that makes things so difficult for them. 

So there’s not much we actually do know about this school, not concretely anyway, and we’re also not sure how reliable the narrator is per se, because it’s very possible the stuff we do know about them is just rumors. My headcanon is that yes, most Cats are legitimately dangerous. Given that they act as assassins sometimes, I think their school teaches them to prioritize survival and money over all else, whereas I think School of the Wolf teaches their witchers that their duty is to protect. 

I was RPing with someone once who had this brilliant idea of Cats being taught to take contracts for monster nests, and then killing the monsters but leaving the nests so that when they passed through the next year, they would have another contract. In my version of the Cat School, that would absolutely be in line with their philosophy. In a lot of ways, they’re taught that humans are just another type of monster sometimes. They’re good when they’re paying you, but if they start doing the same shit monsters do, what’s the difference? With their heightened emotions, it means they’re capable of really deep empathy and connection to others, but their school teaches them to use that to manipulate people. Find out what motivates them, what words and phrasing you can use to convince an Alderman out of more coin, what emotions you need to appeal to in order to get a free room for the night, stuff like that. 

So let’s take a look at Karadin real quick. If we’re believing that Aiden is who Lambert says he is, then Karadin is obviously lying about why Aiden died. So what else is he lying about? 

Here’s a guy who was taught to survive above all else, to use his emotions and the emotions of others to manipulate them, who is good at gathering information. Him and his rag-tag group of assassins just took out this guy--reason doesn’t matter, it happened--and now they have a renegade Wolf after them. I doubt Lambert keeps quiet, you know? He wants information on what happened to Aiden, he’s going around pounding on doors and taking names, he’s making a scene. Karadin hears about it, we know that because he expected Lambert to show up. So how can he best protect himself? 

Firstly, cut all ties with his crew. Disband them. Become the guy who was into some bad shit but is now trying to clean up his life. Second, find out about the Wolf hunting them. Again, Lambert’s not exactly quiet. At the very least it wouldn’t be hard to find out that Lambert’s bitter about his life being a witcher, that he feels like his humanity was stolen was from. Why he feels that way doesn’t matter, it’s something Karadin can appeal to. Now he can become something that Lambert can sympathize with. Become the witcher that’s trying to leave the Path, start a family, and find his humanity again. You know about being a slaver, assassin, and wealthy merchant on the side, he has bank. So he pays a widowed mother to live with him, provides her and her kids food and shelter and safety, and all she has to do is pretend to be his lover for a little bit. After the heat cools down and he no longer has a Wolf looming over his shoulder, he can go back to his old life. What’s a couple years of laying low to a witcher, right?  Karadin’s mistake is not realizing that Lambert valued Aiden over any half-assed attempt to get his “humanity” back, and that he trusted and knew Aiden well enough to see through the lie. 

Anyway, that right there is the kind of shit the Cat school teaches. 

This, of course, makes Cats very hard to trust. And in turn, it makes Cats very suspicious of everyone else. If they can lie and manipulate like that, what’s stopping everyone else from doing it? It’s always possible. They don’t trust humans because humans have the tendency to be pretty shit (re: the attack on Stygga), they don’t trust the people in their school because all of those people know how to lie and manipulate just as easily as they do, and they don’t trust other schools look down on them. The one school they reluctantly get along with are the Vipers, because Vipers don’t look down on them. The others, especially the Wolves up in their mountain home? Oh, they’re up on their high horse, believing their way is the only moral way, banning anyone who doesn’t agree with them from the only safe place witchers have left, so fuck them. 

Then you pair this with the emotional instability. They have a hard time keeping their feelings consistent, which means they have a hard time keeping their opinions consistent. So maybe they set up camp somewhere they feel safe and an hour later they’re on edge and uncomfortable, and they can’t imagine how they ever felt safe there, and did they even feel safe there? They can remember they did, but they can’t emotionally connect to that memory now, maybe what they remember was back when they felt safe in a very similar camp, and not this one, they just mistook that memory to be this one. Or they take a contract and they decide, yeah, that’s a fair amount for this, this will be easy, even fun!. And then they do the contract and halfway through they’re like no, this is not fun, how the fuck did I think this would be fun, of course it’s not fun, and by the time they get to collect they’re reward, they’re demanding more but that was not worth the price they originally agreed on, I would never agree to do that for such a low amount. 

So essentially, the emotionally instability makes it very easy for them to gaslight themselves. 

Can’t trust others. Can’t trust themselves. Can’t trust their memories, or their feelings, or the decisions they make because they never know when all those things might change. 

Now let’s throw in paranoia, because the lack of trust is definitely a breeding ground for paranoia. It doesn’t help that people already whisper about and spit at witchers that pass by, but for a Cat on edge, everyone is doing that. That person laughing? Laughing at them. Those people talking? Plotting against them. Make eye contact with someone? What do they want? Is that a weapon? Are they planning something? 

And that right there is why so many Cats snap and go insane. It’s not just them lashing out because their emotions got the best of them, that’s would actually be a very small issue compared to this. This is why the rumor is a Cat that’s gone “feral” as to be killed. They work themselves into psychosis and even if you calm them down from the one instance, it’s nearly impossible to fix the way they now view the world. 

So enter Aiden. 

My headcanon is that he started out like any other Cat from his school. He did a lot of fucked up things because that’s what he was taught and he didn’t realize there was really anything wrong with it. He had no reason to question it, no reason to think his elders had taught him wrong, no reason to focus on anything but making money and staying alive. And then that changed. 

Why that changed is flexible, it could be anything, from something small that his ever-changing emotions conflated into something important that he fixated on, to something that is legitimately pretty life changing. I firmly believe that this thing doesn’t have anything to do with Lambert, though. This is before Lambert. Because the important part about Aiden being a good man, is that it’s something he decided to do on his own first. Then later, when he meets Lambert, Lambert helps him, helps him a lot, but the stuff that Aiden had already taught himself is the stuff that Lambert still needs to learn too, so they help each other. 

In my headcanon, the thing that sparked this for Aiden was the whole “leave the nest so you can come back next year” thing. He didn’t think much of doing it besides job security of sorts, and there was one town with a nekker problem that he popped through a few years straight to rid them of the nests that kept popping up. The people liked him because he was friendly and he took care of their problem every year. Aiden figured he could milk it until another witcher came along and destroyed the nests completely, but until then, their gratitude earned him a bit more coin than a monster nest usually would. And there was the carpenter’s son, who really liked him. Just a this spunky little kid who wasn’t afraid of a witcher, and who babbled to Aiden about being just like his dad when he got older, and who carved Aiden a little wooden sword one year as a thank you. And then Aiden came back through one year and the kid was gone. One of the first victims of the hatched nekkers that year. 

All at once it hit Aiden that his actions and nonactions had consequences. He had no kid babbling at him. The carpenter gave him a smile and a nod, but there was an emptiness to it. He had a mother sobbing into her hands thanking him for getting rid of the monsters that killed her son, unaware that it was his fault for leaving the nest in the first place. 

That gets Aiden to not only look at his own actions, but the actions of his school. At what motivates his brothers and sisters. How accountable they are for their actions. How aware they are of the damage it sometimes does. Whether or not they even care. And by looking at that, he sees the downward spiral that so many other Cats take, and he uses his high emotional intelligence and empathy to figure out why that happens, because he doesn’t want it to happen to him. So he has these coping mechanisms. Some are for the strong flashes of emotions that spark up and overwhelm him, but others are things for every day maintenance. He journals a lot. Writes down his circumstances, his feelings towards his circumstances, why he feels that way, the things he’s noticing, he writes down as much as he can so that if his feelings change and he has a hard time grasping how he felt differently before, he can go back and read it. It’s physical proof, right there, that his memories aren’t wrong. He did feel that way. Doesn’t now, but he did, and he can trust that he did because it’s right there. Then he can write down how his feelings have changed, and why they changed, and everything he can think of so he has another record of the situation if he needs to reference it. 

It helps a lot, especially when he reads back over everything from months ago. It helps him become more comfortable with just letting himself feel his emotions without getting as frustrated by all the changes, or stressed out at the idea that they will change. Because they always do, and it’s not always bad, he’s been through it before and he’s gotten on pretty well despite it. The fear he’s feeling at that time will change too, the frustration will change, he won’t always feel bad and yes, he’ll eventually stop feeling good but he’ll also always return to feeling good again eventually. 

Lambert helps him find some consistency, because out of everything, Lambert’s the one thing Aiden has never changed his mind about. Even when he’s angry and frustrated at Lambert, he still cares so fucking much. And the Wolf is always worth it. It’s this one point of consistency that Aiden doesn’t really need to function but holy fuck does it help. 

Meanwhile Lambert will start in about something, be keyed up and ranting while Aiden just calmly hums and watches him pace until Lambert tosses up his hands like, “I don’t even know why this pisses me off so much!” 

And Aiden blinks and goes, “Maybe it’s not just this issue that’s pissing you off. Maybe you’re also upset about other things. Does this remind you something similar that upset you, or has anything happened recently that this is adding to?” 

And Lambert doesn’t fucking know. How is he supposed to know what else he might be upset about? Lots of things upset him! And this is just like a million other situations, how is he supposed to know if one of those is similar enough to also be upsetting him right now?  “Well... Have you tried writing it down?”  “Have I tried what now?”  “Writing it down. You know. With a quill, in a book. A record of sorts, if you will. Of times you feel upset. So you can go back and read it to help you figure out what might be contributing to how upset you are currently.” 

The fact that Aiden says it with all the patience of someone talking to a child makes Lambert immediately dismiss the idea until the next time he gets pissed and he’s like fuck it, whatever, I’m buying a damn journal or whatever. And he does. And he writes down what he’s feeling, and is reluctant to admit that it makes him feel a little bit better, so maybe he does it a few more times, and then something else pisses him off and he writes that down too and then decides to flick back to the other pages and what do you fucking know, it’s kind of like that other time he was pissed. Not exactly, but he reads this one little detail that matches with his current situation that just agitates him to even read it and he’s like huh. I guess I really don’t like it when people say that. Yeah, you know what? I absolutely fucking hate it when people say that. The entire situation pisses me off, sure, but I wouldn’t be nearly as pissed if that guy didn’t say what he did!

Anyway. 

I don’t know a good way to end this but yeah there’s more of my thoughts on Aiden and the Cat School. Maybe I’ll write about headcanons regarding how I see school traits matching with the animal the school is based off of, because I see those headcanons often and while I agree with some, I’m picky and I do it differently.