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soobmint · 4 years ago

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paper hearts | choi soobin [f] ; [c] 80s! au, 9.6k words

s u m m a r y ; if there was one thing you wanted to avoid on valentine’s day, it was running into your ex best friend, choi soobin. but when a series of unfortunate events involving too much purple eyeshadow, drunken punches, and one stolen bicycle leads you right back to his side, you begin to realize that maybe you truly belonged with him all along.

c o n t e n t s ; soobin x fem!reader, 80s! au, valentine’s day, ex best friend! soobin, rich boy! soobin, but he’s a major dweeb and the biggest softie, yeonjun is a major prick (i’m so sorry junnie), reader is a part time worker, soobin is best friends with lee felix of stray kids, some themes of social classes, roughly inspired by the 80s movie “pretty in pink,” mentions drugs, alcohol, and single parent households, mostly just fluff, fluff, and more fluff, with a hint of crack/humor

n o t e ; hello friends! this was a very quickly planned, last minute valentine’s day idea, and it’s actually a collab with one of my dearest friends, @chanluster ! she posted her piece of the collab as well, you can check it out by going to the collab masterlist here! this was so much fun to write and i think that 80s! soobin was just too good of a concept to pass up! anyways, happy valentine’s day, i hope you enjoy this oneshot! do leave a like, reblog, or comment if you could, it really helps so much <3

[back to my masterlist] [oneshot playlist]

IF ONE MORE CUT-OUT, CRAFT-PAPER HEART HIT YOU IN THE FACE, YOU WERE GOING TO QUIT YOUR JOB.

Of course you would never actually quit. With your mother out of the picture and your father working nonstop overtime just to barely have enough cash to put food on the table for the both of you, you had come to rely on your minimum wage part-time hours more than you liked to admit. However, the handmade strings of paper hearts that hung from wall to wall throughout the entirety of the record shop you were employed at was enough to make you consider it; not to mention the Phil Collins record that had been spinning all day, filling your ears with melodies embodying the very air of romance, and the embarrassing pink sweater your boss had forced you to wear. You mumbled curses beneath your breath as you pulled at the collar, itching away at your neck.

When you made a step towards a crate full of records, ready to tidy it up after a customer had rummaged through it leaving it a mess, you were met with another face full of cheap red construction paper. With a large growl of exasperation, you swatted at the hearts and accidentally caused the entire string of them to fall to the ground. You cleared your throat, glad that no customers were present to see your little outburst.

Your boss, Jen, still saw it all.

“That’s not very festive of you, kid,” She said, taking a drag on her cigarette. “It’s Valentine’s Day! Lighten up.”

“Ah, my bad. I forgot that I was supposed to be overjoyed on the day honoring the execution of St. Valentine,” You said as you gave her a sarcastic smile. “I’ll make sure to smile at the next couple that walks in and ask them how they plan to contribute to the commercialization of a martyr’s death.”

“You must be real fun at parties,” Jen mumbled. She shook her cigarette at you from behind the counter. “You’re just bitter because you don’t have a valentine. I can’t blame anyone for giving you the cold shoulder with that attitude of yours.”

You scowled, picking up the string of hearts that you had sent crashing to the floor. “I’m not bitter, and I don’t want a date. Also, I told you to stop smoking inside! It smells awful.”

“Last I checked, this was my shop, not yours.” You rolled your eyes as you approached the counter, handing the discarded string to Jen so she could throw it in the trash. “Now you’re making me do chores for you too? You’ve got some nerve, I’ll give you that.”

“Jen, please, I’m really not in the mood for this today.”

Jen shrugged, bending towards the trash can to throw away the string of hearts when she paused and pulled something from the bin. You glanced over your shoulder and gasped when you saw what she held in her hand—a small red envelope with your name scrawled across the front and a pink heart-shaped sticker stuck on the back.

“What’s this?” Jen asked, opening the envelope and shaking out the contents. A single slip of paper fell out, landing atop the counter. You rushed to grab it, but Jen snatched it up just before your fingers reached the countertop.

“Give me that,” You insisted, face growing warm. “I threw it away for a reason!”

“It’s an invitation to a party?” She seemed beyond surprised, glancing back and forth between you and the paper several times. “You got invited to a Valentine’s Day party, and instead of going, you asked me to give you extra hours? Why?”

You looked down at your feet, digging the toe of your sneaker into the blue carpet. There were, in fact, many reasons why you did not want to go to that party. They were as follows:

One: Choi Yeonjun was the one who had invited you. After you had rejected his offer when he asked to take you to a basketball game a month before, you could barely make eye contact with him in the school hallway without feeling guilty. That and the fact that he was one of the richest preps in the school, you knew he had just been asking you out for some sort of prank or dare that you preferred to not potentially fall victim to.

Two: you needed to work as much as you could. Money, as always, was tight for you and your father. There was no way you would sacrifice precious hours to go to a party full of rich kids where nothing but humiliation was sure to await you.

Three: your old childhood friend and the one person you couldn’t bear to see was probably going to be there—Choi Soobin.

You had barely spoken to Soobin in the four years you had been in high school. Crossing paths with him in the cafeteria, turning down the same aisle of books as him in the library, all those tiny stolen glances and accidental encounters were the only bits of interaction you had kept throughout all that time. The worst part was, he hadn’t done anything wrong.

It was nothing but your own cowardice that had driven the two of you apart, and you were still too afraid to own up to it.

Instead of explaining all of this to Jen, you simply shrugged and said, “I dunno. It just sounds lame.”

Your boss sighed, holding the invitation out towards you. “Okay, I’m letting you off early. Go to the party.”

With wide eyes, you shook your head immediately. “Absolutely not. Why in the world would I go?”

“Well, first of all, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for you. Who knows when your next chance to go to a party will be.”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at that.

“Second, it’s a holiday! The only reason I even opened today was because you were begging me for hours. I thought it was because you were bummed about having no plans, but clearly it’s because you wanted an excuse to be a recluse.”

“Hey, I’m not a recluse.”

“Clearly.” She shook the invitation at you once more, brows raised. “If you go, I’ll raise your pay by fifty cents for the next month.”

Your ears perked up at that.

“Well?” She asked, well aware that she had hit the jackpot. “What'd ya say?”

Weighing the risks against the benefits, you bit the inside of your cheek.

“Make it a dollar and you’ve got a deal.”

“HAPPY VALENTINE’S, CHOI.”

When Soobin heard the sarcastic remark coming from his best friend, Felix, he had to fight back the urge to burst into tears then and there. He still wasn’t quite sure how Felix had convinced him to come, but he was already regretting it. The last thing he wanted to do to celebrate the day dedicated to love was spend it at a house party—or, as Soobin preferred to call them, any outcast high school kid’s version of hell on earth.

With a quick peek between his fingers, which he had used to cover his eyes immediately upon arriving at the site of the Valentine’s party, Soobin caught another eye-full of couples getting all too familiar with one another out in the open. He gulped, letting his hands grip the handles of the bike as he averted his gaze, choosing to cast his best glare at Felix, who was busy adjusting his ever-present beanie.

“Shut up,” he murmured, slowly sliding off the seat of his bike. He dusted off the worn, tearing cushion, glancing around the area. “Now quick, we gotta put our stuff somewhere safe.”

Felix looked aghast, making no moves to help Soobin in his search for a hiding spot. “What are you doing?”

“Tryna find a safe place for my bike?” He thought the answer to be somewhat obvious, but clearly Felix wasn’t on the same track of thinking. “You don’t know today’s world! Anyone is willing to steal nowadays.”

“Soobin, your bike is coughing up oil from its chains. It should be in its own care home at this rate.”

“I don’t wanna hear your slander, skater boy,” Soobin retorted, eyeing Felix’s ebony skateboard that he refused to be seen without. As if on cue, when he pushed his bike forward, the chains squealed, drawing the attention of a pair of particularly passionate individuals who had been wrapped up with one another moments before. Soobin ignored their annoyed stares, feeling his ears burn from embarrassment. He glanced back to Felix. “Help me find a hiding spot.”

Felix was anything but enthusiastic, but he began to help Soobin search nonetheless.

“Slide it in here, Soobs,” Felix called a few moments later. He was pointed to an empty space between the home’s perfectly trimmed bushes. Soobin pursed his lips together, pushing his large glasses further up the bridge of his nose—a nervous tick of his. Felix groaned, rolling his eyes. “Or you can leave it out in the open so it’ll spit more oil on the passersby? Is that what you want?”

“Fine, fine!” Soobin huffed, wheeling his bike over to the shrubbery, chains squeaking all the way. He carefully laid it beneath the brush and moved a few branches to cover it up nicely. He stood up straight, dusting his hands on the front of his loose blue jeans. “What about your skateboard?”

Felix gave the board a pat, awarding his most prized possession a dazzling smile one would expect to see a proud father giving his beloved son. But in reality, it was the school’s stoner grinning ear to ear at his old, dusty skateboard. “Nightrider stays with me.”

Soobin scrunched his nose, cringing on instinct. He still calls that thing by that stupid name?

Felix clapped him on the shoulder before he could make a remark, catching him off guard when he said, “Right. Let’s go and get your girl.”

There was nothing Soobin could do to stop the flush that rushed to his cheeks right away. Images of you, his ex-best friend and the only reason he had even come to this party in the first place, flashed through his mind. Had he not overheard Yeonjun invite you earlier that morning and then casually mention the encounter to Felix, there was no way he would have even stepped foot out of his house that night. Part of him was peeved, wishing he had never uttered a single word about you to his overbearing friend. Yet, deep down, there was hope within him—the tiniest sliver.

If there was even the slightest chance that he could talk to you that night, he would do anything. Even if it meant dealing with a stupid party, and the never-ceasing teasing he was bound to continue receiving from Felix.

“Don’t even say that,” He said, emphasizing each word as they walked up the front steps. Soobin had to glance down at his much shorter friend to see the devious grin on his freckled face.

“Say what? That she’s your girl, your woman, your one and only?”

The blush must have been creeping to his neck by that point. He could feel it. “I. . .” There were many things Soobin wished to say; angry words that would hopefully shut the blonde skater boy up real quick. But he couldn’t bring himself to say a single harsh word, so he sighed in defeat. “I can’t even say it.”

“That you hate me?” Felix only grinned even bigger, and Soobin couldn’t help the tiny defeated smile that slipped over his features. “Oh, I know. It’s because I’m too good of a best friend.”

They stepped into the house then, instantly being overwhelmed by loud music, boisterous laughter, and drunken yells echoing throughout the halls. Soobin latched onto Felix right away, gripping his friend’s sleeve as someone stumbled into him, a bit of beer spilling from their cup. He pushed his glasses up, only for them to slide right back down as he began to sweat.

“Maybe we should go home, Lix!” Soobin shouted to be heard over the noise as they travelled further into the house. “We can always try next year!”

“Stop being a scaredy-cat!” Felix shouted back, and Soobin thought he might actually begin to cry as they squeezed their way into the living room. Soobin nearly gagged at the strong smell of alcohol as it burned in his nose. The scene was nothing short of a nightmare to Soobin—loud voices, smoke rising in the air, vodka assaulting his nose and sweat beading on the back of his neck. He had never been one to drink, and he didn’t plan on starting that night; but he was beginning to understand what Felix meant when he had once told him it was nearly impossible to get through one of these parties sober.

He was about to make another complaint and beg to leave when someone from the crowd hollered his name, causing him to wince when he recognized that voice as the one that belonged to none other than Choi Yeonjun.

“Soobin! Where you been?”

Soobin smiled nervously at the school’s heartthrob—and textbook snobby rich kid—before he turned back to Felix. He didn’t want to leave his friend, but he knew that he would never hear the end of it if he ignored Yeonjun’s persistent calls. “I’ll be right back,” He promised Felix, still holding onto his sleeve.

“No, no,” Felix assured. “You go. You’ll probably find her around that place anyway.”

Soobin wasn’t so sure of that. You were definitely not of the right social standing to be caught amongst the circle of the school’s rich boys—which was why it had surprised Soobin that Yeonjun had invited you to the party in the first place. Your high school had its own caste system, and you were near the bottom of it.

And, as much as it pained him to admit it, Soobin was stuck at the very top with all the other rich snobs who cared about nothing more than their daily allowances that came straight from their daddy’s bank account.

“What about you, buddy?” He asked Felix, desperate for any excuse to remain by his friend’s side. He would have tried to bring Felix with him, but his friend was in an even worse social standing than you were—he was poor, and he was most known for being the school’s pothead. There was no way Soobin would willingly drag him into a situation where nothing but slander and torment awaited him.

“Me?” Felix shrugged, gripping his board tighter. “I’ll just smoke away the night.”

Soobin pouted, glancing back at the group of preps as they called for him once again. He sighed, clapping Felix on the shoulder. “Just make sure you won’t smell too much of it when I come back.”

Submitting himself to his doom then, he turned on his heel and slowly made his way to where the group of boys sat near the sofa, giving them a half-hearted wave.

“Why were you hanging around that Felix guy?” Yeonjun asked once Soobin had reached their circle. “Did he blackmail you or something?”

Soobin frowned, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “He’s my friend.”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes, brushing a hand through his perfectly-straightened ebony locks. “Sure he is. Tell me, do you see every kid you find on the streets as some sort of personal charity project? Or is it just Felix and—what was her name—” He snapped his fingers then before he said, “Y/N, right?”

Soobin didn’t respond—well, it was more like he couldn’t respond. By nature he was a very passive being, but nothing drew him closer to bouts of anger than when the people he cared about were being insulted right before him.

Especially when it came to you.

Yet, as much as he wanted to tell Yeonjun off or give him a nice shove into the smoke-stained walls, words failed him. They always did. Perhaps this was why you had abandoned him all those years ago. Nobody knew him better than you did, so of course you were able to see what he truly was beneath all the expensive clothes and nervous laughter—a coward.

He figured that he’d probably have left himself too.

“Drink up, buttercup.” The chipper voice that belonged to the other Choi in the small gathering of socialites, Choi Beomgyu, thrust a plastic red cup towards Soobin’s chest.

He shook his head, throwing another wavering smile in his direction. “No thanks. I don’t drink.”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes. “Of course you don’t. Why are you even here then?”

Once again, Soobin chose silence as his only response. He swallowed, patting the front pocket of his denim jacket. As the group of boys began conversing once more, he couldn’t help but let his eyes wander around the room, searching every drunken face for the features that belonged to you, trying to hear your name in every conversation, desperate for your voice to break through the blasting music and shouting voices.

“Who ya looking for there, Big Choi?” Soobin grimaced at the nickname. He was skinny, but incredibly tall, and nobody would let him forget that. “Big Choi” was one of his most common nicknames among the elitists. He despised it, but of course, he would never voice that aloud.

He glanced at Beomgyu and smiled nervously again, shaking his head. “Nobody.”

His eyes met Yeonjun’s and he gulped yet again as the latter eyed him with suspicion. It wasn’t as though he had anything to hide, but something about Yeonjun’s calculating gaze made his skin crawl.

He needed to escape. Just for a moment, at least.

“I’ll be right back. Going to find some water.”

He slipped out of the living room then, apologizing profusely to each couple he accidentally bumped into, bowing in remorse to each person’s toes his big feet happened to stumble over. He ached to be by Felix’s side—the stoned skateboarder had become somewhat of a security blanket to the taller of the duo—but his blonde friend was nowhere to be seen.

After snagging a bottle of water from the kitchen, Soobin managed to slip into an empty bathroom. He slammed the door shut and wasted no time in locking it. Letting out the biggest sigh of relief, he closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the door, taking a big gulp of the ice cold water.

He set the bottle on the counter and carefully reached into the front pocket of his jacket, his fingers finding the piece of paper he had been storing there all evening. He pulled it out and let his eyes wander over his middle school creation. It was a big heart, cut out from a scrap piece of red construction paper. Scrawled across it in his eight-grade handwriting were the words, Be mine this Valentine’s! His name was etched at the bottom, and at the very top, delicately printed in hot pink glitter glue, your name was written as well.

He had planned to give this to you four years ago on Valentine’s day. Everything had been planned out perfectly; he was to pick you up on his old, trusty bike. It wasn’t really made for two people, but the two of you had fashioned a makeshift extra seat for you to sit upon whenever you went places together.

He wanted to take you to the Dairy Shack, which was the local ice cream shop where the two of you spent the most time together. You always got a large chocolate shake to share, playing a quick game of rock, paper, scissors to decide who got to eat the cherry on top. He was going to order a shake and specially ask for two cherries that time, and planned to give both of them to you before he would bravely present you with the handmade card he had spent all day working on.

However, when he waited for you outside your house that day, the red dusk turned to pitch black night, and you never stepped foot out your door.

He had even gone up to your door a few times and knocked, but there was no answer. Eventually he pedalled off into the night, back to his house. He was disappointed, of course, but more worried than anything else. He had hoped you weren’t sick.

But when he saw you at school the next day, he knew that hadn’t been the case.

And when you ignored him calling your name as you passed by him in the hallways, he knew that something had drastically changed.

For weeks, Soobin was in great turmoil as he replayed your last few encounters together before you had stood him up. Perhaps you were angry that he had won the last few games of rock, paper, scissors? If he had known, he would have given you all the cherries for the rest of time if it meant you would still talk to him. He didn’t care about them—he cared about you.

He missed you.

And as weeks turned to months, and months turned to years, you still barely spoke to him, and he missed you more and more. The best friend he had wanted to take a step closer to had taken a thousand steps back from him, and he still had no idea why.

But that night, he was determined to find out.

Well, if he could muster up the courage to get a single word out, of course.

He folded the heart back up and stuck it back in his pocket, taking a deep breath as he observed himself in the fogged-up mirror. He fixed his bright blue hair that Felix had helped him bleach and dye, making sure the pieces fell over the corners of his eyes just right. He straightened his white turtleneck and cuffed the sleeves of his denim jacket until he was at least somewhat content with his appearance.

“You can do this, Soobs,” He told himself, adjusting his big round glasses further up the bridge of his nose. “That’s what Felix would say.”

“Hey, rich boy!” A loud scream came from outside the bathroom door, accompanied by harsh knocking that sent Soobin stumbling backwards until he fell in the shower, pulling the curtains down with him.

“Hurry up in there! I’m about to piss myself!”

Soobin let out a shaky sigh, scrambling to his feet as he rushed to fix the curtain he had torn down with his clumsiness. “Sorry,” he mumbled, though he doubted the person on the other side of the door could hear him.

He realized then with an ever growing dread that it would be a miracle if he survived the night long enough to even find you, but it would take the work of God himself for him to actually speak to you.

He figured it was time for him to start praying.

YOU KNEW IT WAS A MISTAKE TO LET JEN DO YOUR MAKEUP.

When she had stopped you on your way out the door with a compact of bright purple eyeshadow, you had turned her down right away. No way in all of creation were you walking in a party with such an atrocious color caked up to your brow bone.

“How can you say it’s gonna look bad if you haven’t even let me try?” Jen had asked.

You had given her a once-over, your lips pressed into a thin line. “If it’s gonna look anything like the way you do your own makeup, I’m gonna have to pass.”

After that snide remark, she had threatened to fire you if you didn’t let her apply the makeup. And so you obliged, though you didn’t have much of a choice.

The booming sounds of the party hit your ears before you had even reached the lawn. Screaming teens—well, there were probably some adults thrown in there as well—and the sound of music spilled through the open windows of the home. Couples and singles alike were scattered throughout the perfectly kept lawn that was now littered with empty cups and other assortments of garbage.

You looked down at your patchwork jeans and pink sweater, certain that you would be underdressed compared to the rest of the partygoers. But from the looks of things, as you carefully squeezed your way through the front door and into the home, everyone was probably too wasted to even notice your arrival, let alone care about your looks.

You caught a glimpse of your face in the hallway mirror, cringing at the sight of your eyeshadow. You had tried to wipe some of it away before arriving, but it simply smudged, giving you quite the shocking smoky, purple eye look. For someone who didn’t even know the difference between a paintbrush and a makeup brush, it was a bold look, to say the least.

If Soobin saw you looking like this, he’d probably have a heart attack.

Soobin.

In the midst of all your frantic preparation, you had nearly forgotten about the main reason why you had planned to avoid this party at all costs. With a quick glance around the room, you realized that he was nowhere to be seen. You wouldn’t have been surprised if he hadn’t shown up at all. He was never a fan of parties, anyway.

You crossed your arms over your chest and slowly slipped past the couples crowding the hallway with their limbs intertwined, mouths practically swallowing one another whole, until you reached the living room. Surprisingly, it was less crowded in here than you thought it might be. A few minglers were scattered about the room’s perimeter, but they all kept away from the center of the room, which was occupied by none other than Choi Yeonjun and all his brainless, rich-boy worshippers. You quickly scanned the group, not able to make out Soobin among them. When you realized he wasn’t there, you were partly relieved and partly disappointed. If was to be anywhere at this party, it would probably be with these guys.

With a quick turn on your heel, you planned to make your way out of the living room before Yeonjun could see you. The last thing you wanted was for the boy with a bruised ego to see you, regardless of whether or not he had been the one to invite you.

“Y/N? You came?”

Too late.

Plastering a forced grin to your face, you slowly turned to face Yeonjun, who had just called your name. He was eyeing you with slight surprise, but soon, a smirk slipped across his lips as he motioned for you to come over. You had to hold back your sigh, wishing there was some way for you to get out of this situation. It was all Jen’s fault that you had to show up in the first place. You decided you were going to demand an extra ten cents be added to your raise the next time you saw your pushy boss.

“Hey Yeonjun,” you said once you had walked over to him. “I figured I’d stop by for a minute or two, since you were kind enough to invite me.”

He smirked, glancing at a few of his friends. They shared a knowing laugh with one another, but the meaning of it was lost to you. You wanted nothing more than to get away from them, but that wasn’t an option.

“You’re too busy to go out with me to a basketball game but free enough to come to a party, huh?” He asked.

You blinked, digging your nails into your arms. “I’m sorry?”

“It’s fine, really,” He drawled, swirling his plastic cup of beer in his hand. “You didn’t think I’d be upset or anything did you? I only asked you out because I was dared to shack up with you. But I’m guessing you already knew that, since you’re so smart and all.”

Your eyes went wide, but you managed to control the rest of your expression. It was just like you had guessed—Yeonjun had invited you to the party with the sole purpose of making a scene.

If you survived the night, Jen was never going to hear the end of it.

“You’re not gonna say anything?” He asked, pushing himself to his feet. You could tell by the slight stumble in his step and his hooded eyes that he had quite a bit to drink. He took a step towards you, causing you to back up immediately. Your back hit the wall, and you placed your palms against it as Yeonjun towered over you.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I know why you’re here anyways.” He leaned forward, his lips hovering near your ear. “You’re here to see Soobin, aren’t you? Since he’s the only one here willing to waste his time on filth like you.”

Your blood boiled, and you had to clench your fists at your sides to control your anger.

“Don’t,” You seethed, “Call me that.”

“Call you what? Filth? Or sweetheart? Why, is that something good old Binnie used to call you—”

He never got to finish that sentence, because with one big burst of anger, you stomped on his toe as hard as you could with your worn-out platform sneaker.

“What the hell!” He screeched, drawing the attention of several others in the room. His outburst even caused a few of the couples to pull away from each other’s faces long enough to eavesdrop.

Before you could even say anything back, lukewarm liquid was splashed up in your face, burning your eyes and nose. You gasped, running your hands over your eyes to see Yeonjun with his now empty cup of beer pointed towards you.

“Think twice before you act out against me next time, sweetheart. Never forget your place.”

Tears of anger burned in your eyes, and you scanned the room to see several people exchanging whispers and giggles as they glanced in your direction. You pushed past Yeonjun and quickly made your way out the back door of the house, unable to stand the humiliation for a moment longer.

Soobin arrived in the living room just in time to see you leave.

He wasted no time in rushing towards Yeonjun, grabbing hold of his arm. “Yeonjun, was that Y/N?” He asked, eyes quickly taking in the puddle of alcohol on the floor and the empty cup in Yeonjun’s hand. “What happened?”

“Nothing you need to worry your pretty blue head about, Big Choi. I just put her in her place is all.”

Soobin’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean you ‘put her in her place?’”

Yeonjun laughed, giving Soobin a nonchalant pat on the back. “Just drop it, would you? It has nothing to do with you.”

“What did you say, Yeonjun?”

Yeonjun was growing irritated now. He huffed out a breath, crossing his arms over his chest. “I said it has nothing to do with you, Soobin. I know you like to hang around people like that pothead Felix, but the rest of us live in the real world, where we’d rather not waste our time with those who have no future anyways. I bet he’s the one that got you to dye your hair that god awful blue, isn’t he?”

Soobin bit the inside of his cheek. He so badly wished to rip Yeonjun to shreds then and there. If he had Felix’s courage, the cocky bastard would have been knocked to the ground ages ago. But if there was one thing Soobin was sure he could never be, it was brave. And so, despite his rage, he remained silent, his eyes practically burning a hole through Yeonjun’s chest from how intently he was glaring.

It seemed as though Yeonjun was about to say something, but his eyes landed on the bit of red that peeked through the front pocket of Soobin’s denim jacket. Before Soobin had time to defend himself, Yeonjun had reached forward and snatched it from his pocket, revealing the large paper heart—his valentine for you.

“So this is why you care so much,” Yeonjun said, laughing as his eyes scanned the glittery words that decorated the page. “You want her to be your valentine.”

“Give that back,” Soobin said quietly, his hands beginning to shake.

Yeonjun instead lifted his eyes to Soobin, gave him a sickly sweet grin, and ripped the heart straight down the middle. He let the two pieces fall from his hands to the ground, and with them Soobin’s heart went also.

“You’re really willing to try and go against me, and for what? For the sake of a girl who can’t even afford a new pair of jeans and a boy that smokes his life away in the bathroom stalls?” Yeonjun took a slow step towards Soobin, his eyes glinting with a sinister determination. “You may be rich, Soobin, but if you choose to lower yourself to their standards, you may as well be dirt poor just like they are.”

With his hands clenched into tight fists, his glasses sliding down his nose, and his heart quite literally in two pieces on the floor below him, Soobin decided that he had had enough.

“I’d much rather be associated with people who are kind and have actual depth to their character than be lumped together with a bunch of pricks like you with no real personality—because that’s something you can’t buy with daddy’s paycheck.”

He had to physically restrain himself from slapping his hand across his own mouth in shock. It was as if the spirit of Felix himself had possessed him to say such harsh things. He wondered where Felix was then, wishing more than ever before to have his best friend by his side as he began to tremble from either the rush of adrenaline that coursed through his veins, or from fear. Or perhaps it was both.

He didn’t have time to ponder it any longer before Yeonjun’s fist collided with his nose, resulting in a sickening crack as pain echoed throughout his face in tidal waves.

He stumbled backward as people began to shout, raising his hand to his nose and gasping when he saw that his palm was covered in blood.

Beomgyu had his arms wrapped around Yeonjun, who was desperately trying to lunge towards Soobin once again.

“Knock it off, Yeonjun!” Beomgyu shouted, pushing the elder back. “His dad is on the school board! Are you trying to get expelled?”

Beomgyu looked over his shoulder at the still stunned Soobin, who was gaping at the blood that now stained his once white turtleneck.

“Get lost, Soobin,” Beomgyu said, to which Soobin only blinked in reply, his ears ringing.

“Now!”

Head spinning, Soobin picked up the two halves of his paper heart, stuffed them into his jeans, and stumbled out the same door he had seen you go through just minutes before. After checking to make sure his glasses were still intact—they were, thankfully—he shook his head in an effort to clear his mind of the static, eyes scanning the front lawn looking for any trace of you.

It didn’t take long for his eyes to spot you among the now dwindling crowd of partygoers. Your bright pink sweater stood out against the darkness, so he was able to recognize you even with your back towards him. He sniffed, wiping the back of his hand against his dripping nose as he slowly made his way to where you sat on the curb, your feet planted on the asphalt street. He wished that he looked a bit more presentable—when he played this scene out in his head over the years in which he would finally reunite with you, he never imagined himself dazed and covered in blood.

Desperate times called for desperate measures, he supposed.

When he reached you, he simply stood beside you in silence for a moment, unsure of what to say. He could tell that you sensed his presence, but you refused to look up at him as you kept your face buried in your hands. He could have sworn he heard a few muffled sobs slip through your fingers, but of course, he wasn’t going to bring that up.

Eventually he decided to slip his jacket off of his shoulders, leaning down to drape it over you. You still kept your head down as he sat beside you on the curb, but he watched you grip the jacket and pull it tighter around your body. He smiled a bit, holding the collar of his turtleneck against his throbbing nose.

“Thank you,” you muttered, wiping your hand across your eyes. You finally looked over at him, and when you did, you couldn’t hold back your gasp. “My God Soobin, what happened to your face?”

“Oh, well, I might have gotten punched,” He said quickly, trying to wave off your concern. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Punched? By who?”

He looked down at the ground, sniffing as a drop of blood hit the pavement. “Yeonjun,” he muttered under his breath.

“I’m sorry, did you just say Yeonjun? Are you insane? Why on earth would you butt heads with the Choi Yeonjun?”

Soobin didn’t say anything in response, he simply stared at you, eyes wide with beer dripping off the ends of your hair, makeup smeared across your face, your sweater stained down the front. It didn’t seem to take long for you to put the pieces together, as the shock left your face and was replaced with something akin to guilt.

“Oh,” You said, looking back down at your shoes.

“So she knows that I did it all for her,” Soobin thought.

For some reason, the idea of that both terrified and excited him.

A second later, he glanced over to see you ripping one of the hand-sewed patches of fabric off your jeans, leaving a square of your skin exposed to the chilly night air. You leaned towards him, pushing his hand away from his nose so you could use the patch to clean up some of the blood on and around his puffy red nose.

“Y/N, your pants!” He exclaimed, trying to push your hand away. “They’re ruined!”

“I’m not worried about my pants, you idiot,” You said, swatting his hand away as you continued to press the cloth against his skin. “You got punched in the face because of me, this is the least I could do.”

“That was my choice though,” He muttered, although he stopped trying to resist your touch. He ignored the way his heart thrummed harder in his chest, hoping that you couldn’t hear.

“Well, this is my choice too.” Your eyes flicked to his for a brief moment, your bottom lip pulled between your teeth. “Why did you do it, by the way?”

“Do what?”

“Stand up to Yeonjun for me and get a nasty nosebleed as a result.”

“Oh.” He blinked slowly, keeping his eyes fixed on yours. “Just ‘cause.”

“Because . . . ?”

“Because of you.” He blurted, causing your hand to go still against him. He swallowed his fear, braving the best smile that he could. “Just you. That was my only reason.”

You didn’t say anything as your hand fell from his face, the cloth clutched between your fingers. The anxiety he had tried his best to suppress came rushing up all at once, and he was surprised that his ears didn’t begin to squeal like a tea kettle from all the pressure.

“Y/N,” He said, gently placing his hand over yours despite how his fingers trembled. “Why did you pull away from me?”

“What?”

“Four years ago. Why did you stop talking to me?”

You were quiet for a moment, digging into the ground with the toe of your sneaker. Soobin held his breath until you finally replied with, “I was afraid.”

“Afraid? Of what?”

“We were getting older, Binnie,” You said, and his heart skipped at the use of your old nickname for him. “You and I, we’re from very different walks of life. You get to hang out with people like Yeonjun, whereas I get a cup of beer poured all over my face just for existing, and you get a fist to the nose for trying to stand up for me. We’re from different sides of the track, one might say.”

“So?” Soobin asked, his hand tightening around yours. “Did you really think that would affect us that much, Y/N?”

You frowned, glancing down at his hand over yours.

“I thought you’d be embarrassed of me,” You said, your voice barely above a whisper.

“Embarrassed?” Soobin’s eyes went wide as he gripped your hand tighter still, pulling it into his lap. “Y/N, I would never, ever be embarrassed of you. Besides, have you seen my best friend? He’s on a first name basis with the principal because of how often he gets written up for smoking behind the school. If I’m not embarrassed of him, why would I ever be embarrassed of you?”

You laughed, wiping the back of your hand across your eyes once more. “I guess I was worried about nothing, huh?” You sniffed, giving his hand a squeeze. “I’m sorry, Soobin.”

He shook his head, squeezing your hand right back. “Don’t apologize. You’re here now, that’s what matters. Do think we could—you know—”

“Pick up where we left off?” You smiled, nodding vigorously. “I’d like that very much, Binnie.”

He beamed then, almost pinching himself to be sure that he was not dreaming, but the pain in his nose was real enough to remind him of that on its own. He jumped to his feet, pulling you right up with him.

“In that case, how about we finally go on that Valentine’s date I had planned all the way back then?”

“Date?” You asked, a brow raised. “Is it really considered a date if two friends are just hanging out?”

He didn’t respond as he pulled you along behind him towards the bushes where he and Felix had hidden his bike. He crouched down and moved the branches aside, feeling his heart drop to his stomach when he realized that his bike was, in fact, no longer there.

He shot up, turning to face you with eyes wide. “Felix—that bastard took my bike!”

You were quiet for a moment, but then, you burst into boisterous laughter, leaving Soobin utterly confused.

“It’s not funny, Y/N!” He whined, shoving your shoulder lightly. “I was supposed to take you to the Dairy Shack on my bike!”

“It is funny,” You said between bursts of laughter. “Only you would get such a rusty old piece of metal stolen from you.”

He pushed his lips out in a pout, sliding his glasses up his sore nose. “It’s a good bike, don’t make fun of it.”

You grinned, interlocking his fingers with yours, which was enough to instantly wipe the pout right off his face.

“Let’s just walk, Binnie. The Dairy Shack isn’t that far anyways.”

You were right; the walk to your favorite milkshake place was very close to the house where the party had occurred. Although Felix stealing his bike had thrown an obvious wrench in his plans, it was a minor hiccup, and one he could most definitely handle. Besides, he wouldn’t have to see Felix until the next day anyways. He could deal with his frustration then.

At least, that’s what he thought anyways, until the two of you spotted Felix at the skatepark on your way to the dairy shack.

Soobin’s eyes took in the deplorable sight before him—from where he stood on the dimly lit sidewalk, he could see Felix and a girl he had never seen before, their faces nearly pressed together, and most importantly, with his bike discarded a few yards away from them.

“Soobin,” You said, tugging on his arm. “They look like they’re busy, let’s just go—”

But Soobin, who had little patience when it came to Felix messing up his plans, didn’t let you finish before he screamed, “Give me back my freaking bike!”

You had to hold back your snort of laughter at his choice of words. Even when he was trying to sound angry, he was undeniably adorable.

Soobin watched as Felix startled, clutching his spliff between his fingers as he glared daggers back at his friend. Soobin gulped, trying not to let his fear show on his face. What did he have to be afraid of, anyways? He was the victim of thievery, and his best friend was the offender.

Felix took a big step towards him, but he paused, his eyes landing on your interlocked hands. Soobin glanced down as well, his face growing furiously warm as he realized the situation he had gotten himself into.

He decided to divert the subject before it could even be brought up by saying, “I can’t believe you stole my bike! All this time I was trying to hide it from strangers, but you, my best friend! I should’ve been hiding it from you!”

Soobin noticed Felix’s female companion step off the skateboard and walk over in his direction, and for a second he felt bad for possibly ruining her night with his best friend. However, his frustration was more prominent in the moment as he fixed his gaze back on his best friend, who had fixed a mischievous smirk upon his face that made warning sirens blare in Soobin’s head right away.

“Now, now, buddy,” Felix said, his voice calm and carefree as ever. It probably had something to do with what he had just smoked, but Soobin didn’t care all that much. “You’re just gonna have to let me borrow it for a little longer.”

Soobin nearly laughed at the audacity of such a statement. “You are gonna give me the bike, or—”

“How about this, Soobs?” Soobin’s lips clamped shut at his friend’s interruption, as the thief in question gestured with his joint to where Soobin’s fingers were locked with yours. “You let me keep your bike for the night, and I don’t tell your dad about you hanging out with the opposite gender.”

Unable to control yourself, you let out a big laugh. Soobin would have felt betrayed, but he was more terrified than anything else at the idea of his father finding out that he was taking a girl out without his permission. He would be grounded for weeks—no, months.

“You wouldn’t.”

Felix’s lips curled up even more into a twisted grin that Soobin wished he had the guts to slap off his face. “God, just imagine the look on Mr. Choi’s face. Imagine him finding out about your premarital hand holding.”

No. Not the hand holding.

Soobin almost felt faint, but he steeled himself to the best of his abilities as he cleared his throat. “One night, Lix,” he warned. “If I don’t see it on my porch in the morning, you’ll be sorry!”

“Oh, I’m so scared,” Felix teased. His expression changed a moment later though, when he finally noticed Soobin’s swollen nose and blood-stained turtleneck. “Wait, Soobs, the hell happened to you?”

Soobin, however, had already taken his first steps away from the skatepark, pulling you along behind him. “I’ll tell you later, bud. Enjoy your spliff with that kind girl who you probably don’t deserve!”

“Hey!”

Soobin couldn’t help but laugh as he swung your interlocked hands together, grinning as you let out a laugh as well. The anger that had seeped through him seemed to melt away in an instant as the two of you continued your journey to the Dairy Shack.

“Would your dad really be that upset if he found out about this?” You asked.

Soobin grimaced. “We should probably wait til next year to tell him about this outing. Or maybe the year after that.”

When the two of you had finally reached the Dairy Shack, you waited outside for him while he went in to order your drink. A large chocolate milkshake, with two straws, just like you used to get every time before.

When he had the drink in hand, he walked back outside and sat down beside you on the curb, smiling as you wrapped his jacket tighter around your shoulders. You smiled back up at him, your eyes creasing from the expression. Your smile had always struck him right to his core; he had missed seeing it every day.

He hoped he could see it every morning and every night from that day onward. There was no way he would let you go this time.

He just had to muster up the courage to grab hold of you first.

“You know what, Binnie, you turned out to be a lot taller than I thought you ever would be,” you said as you took one of the straws from his hands. “You’re actually enormous. It’s shocking.”

“Should I find that offensive? It sounds kinda like an insult.”

“Take it however you will,” You teased, leaning over as he popped the plastic lid off the milkshake. He grabbed the cherry by the stem and held it towards you.

“What are you doing?” You asked, holding out your fist. “We have to rock, paper, scissors for it. Remember?”

Soobin laughed as he shook his head. “I’m giving it to you this time. It’s what I planned to do all those years ago, when I asked you to hang out on Valentine’s.”

You seemed to be taken aback, but you simply shrugged as you plucked the cherry from his hand and pulled it from the stem with your teeth, glancing back over at him. It was silent for a moment, but then your eyes landed on the pocket of his jeans, where you could see a bit of red paper poking out. You leaned over even further, reaching your hand out to snatch the paper.

“What are you—hey! Give that back!”

Soobin desperately tried to take his Valentine back from you, but it was too late. You held both halves of what used to be a whole in your hands, your eyes scanning the words as you pieced them together.

“Soobin . . .”

He held his breath. Had his act of young love left you completely speechless? Were you so touched that you would burst into tears?

“This looks like a middle schooler made it.”

He let out the breath in the form of a long, long sigh.

“That’s because it was made by a middle schooler,” He said as he set the milkshake down beside him. “I made it back in the eighth grade. I planned to give it to you that Valentine’s.”

“Oh.” You ran your finger along the card’s surface, the smallest smile creeping across your lips. “Well in that case, it’s not half bad. Why’s it ripped though?”

“Ah—well, Yeonjun . . .”

You nodded, taking another glance at his swollen nose. “No need to elaborate. It seems you had a lot planned for our Valentine’s Day back then. Is there anything else you wanted to do?”

His mouth went dry at that, and he wished that you couldn’t see his face because he was sure that his expression was quite comical. All the way back then, four years prior, he had in fact planned the perfect, ideal day in his head. Picking you up on his bike, giving you the cherry from his milkshake, and presenting you with his hand made card.

There was only one thing left on his list.

He didn’t move at first, willing himself to have enough courage to even look back in your direction. But when he finally did allow his eyes to meet yours, he felt his shoulders relax and his heart rate became more manageable.

He took a deep breath, leaned forward, and pressed his lips against your cheek.

He lingered there for only a moment before he pulled back, daring to pry one of his eyes open to take in the look on your face.

The disappointment was palpable—from the way your brows furrowed together and the way you pursed your lips. His stomach dropped, and he scooted the tiniest bit away from you.

“I’m sorry,” He blurt out, his face growing warmer by the second. “I shouldn’t have done that, I just—”

“Is that all?”

Your question stopped him mid-ramble, his eyes growing wide. “Huh?”

“Is that all?” You repeated, closing the distance between you that he had created. “It’s Valentine’s Day, Soobin. I think we can do better than a peck on the cheek.”

The implications of what you were saying didn’t register with him right away, but when it finally did, he could have sworn his heart began to beat loud enough for the entire town to hear. His hand curled into a fist as he gripped the denim of his jeans. He leaned forward, keeping his eyes open just enough to watch you as he brought his lips closer to yours. He could feel your eyes on him all the while, causing his heart to pound fiercer still within him.

When he was just a breath away, he whispered, “Can you close your eyes?”

“Hm?”

He lifted his hand, gently placing it over your eyes. He leaned closer then, filling the space between you both as his lips met yours. You tasted vaguely of cherry and strawberry slice soda, and he found it quite nice the way his lips seemed to fit perfectly against your own. As the seconds drew on, your hands slipped around his neck, pulling him closer. He slowly let his hand fall from your eyes, tracing lines with the tips of his fingers down your cheek before he cradled your jaw, letting his lips part just enough to taste the sweet sugar on your lips once more.

He thought in a haze that it was a good thing he didn’t drink anything at the party, as kissing you was proving to be intoxicating enough on its own.

When you finally pulled away, leaving your forehead resting against his, he let his eyes flutter open enough to see the euphoric smile that adorned your features. He grinned as well, gently running his thumb against your cheek.

“I think that back then, I had planned to ask you this before kissing you,” He whispered, “But Y/N, will you be my Valentine?”

Instead of a spoken answer, you laughed, leaning forward to capture his lips with yours once again, and that was the only answer Choi Soobin would ever need.

WHEN SOOBIN ARRIVED HOME THAT NIGHT, HE WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE TELEPHONE.

It was kept upstairs at night right outside his parent’s door, to keep himself and his brother from using it in the late hours. Of course, this never stopped Soobin from sneaking it downstairs to his room in the basement to make late night calls to Felix.

And that particular evening, he really needed to give Felix an update.

He grabbed the phone from the small table in the hallway, carefully tiptoeing towards the basement stairs. Before he had even taken the first step down, the bathroom door creaked open. Soobin whipped his head around to see his brother Kai standing there, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he raised a brow at his older brother.

Soobin froze, blinking slowly as he realized the incriminating situation he found himself in.

“Please don’t tell mom,” He whispered, his eyes pleading with his younger brother.

Kai nodded, although Soobin wasn’t quite convinced that the boy was even coherent enough to understand what was going on. Soobin offered a rushed thank you, and ventured his first step down the stairs.

Well, he tried, anyways, and ended up missing the first step. He tumbled down the rest of the stairs, landing on his butt at the very end.

He winced in pain, glad to see that the phone was still intact in his hands. He glanced over his shoulders to see Kai staring down the stairway with wide eyes, his lips parted in shock. Soobin quickly put a finger to his lips, begging his brother for silence.

Kai simply shook his head and walked away, allowing Soobin the freedom to breathe out a sigh of relief.

He quickly ran to his bedroom and shut the door, collapsing onto his bed with the phone as his breaths came in ragged gasps as an aftereffect from his tumble down the stairs. He figured he should have dialed Felix’s number right away, but he couldn’t help but brush his fingers against his lips, remembering the feeling and taste of having yours pressed against them.

He was so caught up in his daze that he didn’t notice Felix calling until the third ring.

He picked it up, breathing heavily into the speaker as he rubbed a sore spot on his lower back.

“Please tell me that panting is from running a marathon, and not what I think you’ve successfully tried.”

Soobin nearly gagged, holding the phone away from his face as he coughed, flustered by his friend's crude words. He brought the phone back to his face and said, “No, you sicko, I just fell down the stairs.”

“How the hell did you manage that with those long legs?”

“That’s not important, Lix!” He laid back onto his pillows then, twirling the phone cord in his hands as he stared up at his ceiling, the memories of his adventure with you that night flooding his mind once more. He couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear as he said, “Look, I need to tell you something important.”

If he didn’t know any better, he would have thought that he could hear the smile in Felix’s voice too as his friend replied.

“Well buddy, I got something to tell you too.”

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annecoulmanross · 4 years ago

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Top Ten Historical Figures Done Dirty by The Terror (2018)

So, we all know and love Dave Kajganich and Soo Hugh’s beautiful show, right? Of course. But it’s important to set the historical record straight, especially when there are real people’s life-stories and legacies on the line.

(NOTE: this list is biased heavily toward upper-class individuals because the historical record does a better job preserving those voices for us. Was the real Cornelius Hickey as nasty a person in real life as he was in the show? Almost certainly not – which is why we’re given “E.C.” as a nod to the fact that we shouldn’t assume these characters represent real historical villains, even when the narrative makes them antagonists; HOWEVER, not everyone in the show was given the same courtesy as the OG “Cornelius Hickey.” Which is why this post exists – to show you the best sides of some people you might not otherwise appreciate for their full humanity. That being said, keep in mind the sources used – and, for instance, who has surviving portraits and who doesn’t.)

Thus, below the cut, I give you this list, (mostly) in order from #10 (honorable mention, only somewhat slandered) to #1 (most hideously maligned) – my list of characters from The Terror who deserved better.

(Please don’t take this too seriously – I know there are reasons why choices had to be made in order to make this show work on television, and I do very much love the end product. But I also genuinely think it’s a good idea to remember the real people behind these characters, and think critically about how we depict them ourselves.)

Bottom Tier – The Overlooked Men of the Franklin Expedition

#10. Richard Wall – & – John Diggle

We’re combining these two because they had a lot in common, historically speaking! Both were polar veterans, having served as a Cook (Wall) and an AB-then-Quartermaster (Diggle) on HMS Erebus under the command of Sir James Clark Ross in the Antarctic expedition of 1839-1843. Certainly we do get some good scenes with them in the show, but there was plenty more to explore there – for instance, Captain Ross was apparently so taken with Richard Wall that he hired him on as a private cook after the Antarctic expedition. (One imagines that Sir James may have regretted letting his friends of the Franklin expedition steal Wall out from under him.)

(If you want some more information on Diggle, the brilliant @handfuloftime found this excellent article on him – fun facts include the detail that Diggle’s only daughter bore the name Mary Ann Erebus Diggle.)

#9. John Smart Peddie

Now, I don’t think we should go as far as the Doctor Who Audio Drama adaptation of the Franklin Expedition, which makes Peddie into Francis Crozier’s oldest friend, someone “almost like a brother” to Crozier (no evidence of ANY prior relationship between the two existed, contrary to whatever the Doctor Who Audio Dramas would have you believe!) but Peddie probably earned his place as chief surgeon, however fond we may all be of the beautiful Alex “Macca” MacDonald, who was, in fact, the Assistant Surgeon, historically speaking. It’s hard to find information about Peddie, but someone should go looking! I want to know about this man!

(If you want to know more about the historical Alexander MacDonald, there’s a short biographical article on him from Arctic that you can read here.)

#8 James Walter Fairholme

The only one of the expedition’s lieutenants who doesn’t really get any characterization in the show, which is a travesty! The historical Fairholme (pronounced “Fairem”) was, as they say, a himbo, and the letters that he wrote home to his father are positively precious. He loved the expedition pets (lots of kisses for Neptune!), and he needed two kayaks because he couldn’t fit into just one with his beefy thighs. Fitzjames loaned him a coat when all the Erebus officers had their portraits taken, and then called him a “smart, agreeable companion, and a well informed man,” and Goodsir singled Fairholme out as “very much interested” in the work of naturalist observations. Just a lovely young man who could have gotten some screen time, you know?

(Also, as @transblanky discovered, four separate members of the Fairholme family gave money to Thomas Blanky’s widow when she was struggling financially in the 1850s, making them, combined, the most generous contributor to her subscription.)

Middle Tier – Franklin’s Men Who Didn’t Deserve That

#7. William Gibson

Alright, I want to talk about how uniquely horrible the show’s William Gibson is: this is a character willing to lie and accuse his partner of sexual assault that didn’t happen. I get there were extenuating circumstances, but if I were a historical figure who died in some famous disaster and someone depicted me doing something like that? Let’s just say I’m deeply offended on the real Gibson’s behalf.

What do we know about the historical William Gibson? Not much – but we know a little. Gibson’s younger brother served on an overland exploratory venture across Australia in the 1870s… from which he never returned. (God, the Gibson family had the worst luck?) This description of a conversation that young Alf Gibson had with expedition leader Ernest Giles only days before his death is VERY eerie:

[Gibson] said, “Oh! I had a brother who died with Franklin at the North Pole, and my father had a deal of trouble to get his pay from government.” He seemed in a very jocular vein this morning, which was not often the case, for he was usually rather sulky, sometimes for days together, and he said, “How is it, that in all these exploring expeditions a lot of people go and die?”

I said, “I don't know, Gibson, how it is, but there are many dangers in exploring, besides accidents and attacks from the natives, that may at any time cause the death of some of the people engaged in it; but I believe want of judgment, or knowledge, or courage in individuals, often brought about their deaths. Death, however, is a thing that must occur to every one sooner or later.”

To this he replied, “Well, I shouldn't like to die in this part of the country, anyhow.” In this sentiment I quite agreed with him, and the subject dropped.

(From Giles’s Australia Twice Traversed which you can read here)

Beyond that, one thing we do know is that William Gibson was probably friends with Henry Peglar – they had served on ships together before, and Gibson may possibly have been the poor fellow found cradling the Peglar Papers, according to researcher Glenn Stein. So we might imagine the historical Gibson as a much kinder man than the show’s depiction of him – this was someone who befriended the clever, playful Peglar we all know and love from the transcriptions of his papers, so full of poetry and linguistic jokes. It’s a shame we didn’t get a chance to meet this real Gibson, who actually knew the Henry Peglar whom we love so well.

#6. Stephen Stanley

Look. There’s that one famous line in James Fitzjames’s letters to the Coninghams about how Stanley went about with his “shirt sleeves tucked up, giving one unpleasant ideas that he would not mind cutting one’s leg off immediately – ‘if not sooner.’” And certainly Harry Goodsir had some mixed opinions of the man, saying was “a would be great man who as I first supposed would not make any effort at work after a time,” and that he “knows nothing whatever about subject & is ignorant enough of all other subjects,” whatever…. that means….

But Fitzjames also had some rather nicer things to say about him, that he was “thoroughly good natured and obliging and very attentive to our mess.” Also, the amputation comment? Very likely had a quite positive underlying joke to it – Stanley may not have been much of a naturalist, but he was actually an accomplished anatomist, who won a prize for dissection in 1836, on account of his “bend of the elbow,” which was “a picture of dissection,” according to Henry Lonsdale, who also called Stanley his “facetious friend” and “a fine fellow” (Lonsdale 1870, pg. 159). So, the real Stanley probably was rather droll, but the perpetually cruel Stanley of the show misses some of the real man’s major historical virtues and replaces them with historically unlikely mass-mercy-murder.

#5. John Irving

Now we’re getting into the territory of characters who did get some good development, but are missing a bit of historical nuance. As I’m sure many of you know, the historical Irving was indeed very religious, but the flashes of anger (i.e. against Manson) we see from Irving in the show don’t seem terribly consistent with the Irving depicted in this memorial volume, where John seems more like a quiet, bookish, mathematically inclined young man, with a self-deprecating sense of humor and a gentle sweetness. It’s really not at all far off from the version of Irving we see with Kooveyook in the show – I just wish we could have seen more of that side of Irving.

Top Tier – The Triumvirate of Polar Friends

So, these three DO have many good things to recommend them in the show, but because I’ve done such deep research on them, it can be quite jarring to watch certain scenes in which they behave contrary to their historical personalities, and I find myself pausing when watching the show with friends or family to explain that NO, they wouldn’t do that!

#4. Sir James Clark Ross

First thing – we LOVE Richard Sutton. He did a beautiful job with the material given to him. (This is true of all the actors on the list, frankly, but it’s doubly true here.) But that scene at the Admiralty where Sir James tells Lady Franklin “I have many friends on those ships, as you know,” to shut down her argument for search missions? At that time (aka 1847), historically, Sir James Clark Ross was actively campaigning for search missions, planning routes and volunteering his services in command of any vessel the Admiralty even vaguely contemplated sending out. You could see this real-life desperation in Sir James’s morose attention to his whiskey glass in that scene if you’re really trying, but I think the more historically responsible thing would have been to make vividly clear that James Ross risked life and limb, as soon as he possibly could, to try to rescue Franklin and Crozier and Blanky, men he’d known and cared about and bitterly missed – and, in the case of Crozier, “truly loved.”

#3. Sir John Franklin

The historical Franklin had plenty of flaws – his contributions to British colonial rule certainly harmed no small number of people, and we should question the way that heroic statues of Franklin are some of the only memorials that serve to honor the lives lost on Franklin’s expeditions – especially considering the steep body count of not only Franklin’s final voyage, but his previous missions in Arctic regions as well. (DM me and I’ll scream at you about counter-monuments! Is this a promise or a threat? Who knows!) With that said, most contemporary accounts agree that Sir John Franklin treated his friends, his family, and those within his social orbit with kindness, and his cruelties were systemic, not personal. In this light, the image of Sir John viciously tearing into Francis Crozier’s vulnerabilities in the show feels very off. Though there was certainly some friction over Crozier’s two proposals to Sophia Cracroft, historically speaking, there’s no evidence at all that Sir John discouraged her from marrying Francis – Sophia may have had many reasons of her own (*clears throat meaningfully in a lesbian sort of way*) for not accepting any of the several marriage proposals offered to her (from Crozier as well as from others), and we ought to keep in mind that she remained unmarried all her life. The notion that the real Sir John would have considered Crozier too low-born or too Irish to be part of the Franklin family isn’t grounded in historical fact.

#2. Lady Jane Franklin

Again disclaimer: the real Lady Franklin left behind a legacy with much to critique. Those who rightfully point out the racism of her treatment of the young indigenous Tasmanian girl Mathinna should be fully heard out. Observations of her own contributions to imperialism are important and valid. Though I tend to see her feud with Dr. John Rae as somewhat understandable – given that Lady Franklin didn’t have the benefit of our hindsight knowing Rae was correct – the levels of prejudice that she enabled and even encouraged in the writing of Charles Dickens when he attempted to discredit Inuit accounts of Franklin’s fate are inarguably deplorable. These things being said, everything noted for Sir John re: Sophia Cracroft goes for Lady Franklin as well – there’s no reason to imagine a scene where Jane would bully Francis Crozier within an inch of his life, seconds after a failed second proposal, when, historically, Lady Franklin felt the situation was so delicate that it required the quiet and compassionate intervention of Sir James Clark Ross, a dearly loved mutual friend to all parties. Tension does not imply aggression; conflict is not abuse. We know this can’t have been an easy experience for the historical Francis Crozier, but the picture is a lot more complicated than what can be shown in one small subplot of a ten-episode television show. Because of this complexity, however, Lady Franklin’s social deftness suffers in the show. (I could also write an entire essay about Jane Franklin’s last shot in the show, at the beginning of Episode 9: The C the C the Open C – TL;DR is that framing is very important, and, at the very last moment, the show reframes Lady Franklin as a mutilated corpse, a speaking mouth without a brain, which is….. a choice.)

And, at number 1, the person done most dirty by The Terror (2018) is….

#1. Charles Frederick “Freddy” Des Voeux

Look. I’m biased here because I am fed daily information about the historical Freddy Des Voeux from @frederickdesvoeux so I’ve become, I think understandably, a bit attached.

But this is very plainly the clearest cruelty the show does to a historical figure – the historical Des Voeux was a very young man (only around 20 when the ships set sail) known always as “Frederick or Freddy” to his family, and described by all parties as bright and sweet – Fitzjames said that he was “a most unexceptionable, clever, agreeable, light-hearted, obliging young fellow, and a great favourite of Hodgson’s, which is much in his favour besides,” and described him cheerfully helping to catch specimens for Goodsir. Des Voeux is named “dear” by Captain Osborn in Erasmus Henry Brodie’s 1866 poem on the Franklin Expedition (43) and Leo McClintock reported the young man’s well-known “intelligence, gallantry, and zeal” in his 1869 update to his account of the Franklin Expedition’s fate (xlii). None of this is consistent with Des Voeux’s behaviour in the show, especially in the later episodes.

To reduce Des Voeux to an easily-detested figure, over whose death one might cheer, is not a kindness – the creation of a narrative where his death is satisfying does damage to the memory of a real person, a barely-more-than-teenager who died in the cold of the Arctic and left behind only scraps of a shirt and a spidery signature in the bottom margin of a fragmentary document.

Television shows may need their villains, but it’s important to remember that real life isn’t like that. Surely the historical Frederick Des Voeux was most likely not a perfect person, and, as an upper class officer contributing to a British imperial project, he does bear some responsibility for the harm done by the Franklin expedition, but it’s not accurate to assume he was any less worthy of sympathy than the other officers who considered him a friend – those men whom we now venerate, like James Fitzjames. So as far as I’m concerned, Freddy Des Voeux deserves at least as much consideration, care, and compassion from us.

#franklin expedition #franklin expedition fictions #the terror #the terror amc #terrorposting #long post

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chibirisa20 · 3 years ago

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i don't play ultra sun or moon. that's bad?

USUM is kinda in a weird place. USUM is an ‘alternate universe’ version of SM.

USUM is good for its post-game content, but in terms of the overall story, it’s a mess.

You see the whole narrative in SM had been about the Aether family and how Lusamine’s obsession with Ultra Beast(mainly Nihilego) following her husband’s disappearance tore apart the relationship she had with her children. Lusamine was made be very clearly be a troubled woman whose mind was slowly being overtaken by Nihilego’s basic instincts via its neurotoxin making her completely obsessed and losing her original goals as the president of the Aether Foundation(protect pokemon) and Mohn’s husband(find him). This obsession affected their kids greatly with Gladion running away with the very creation meant to fight UBs(Type:Null later to be Silvally). And Lillie being left behind was subjected to her mother’s obsession being forced to dress similarly to the Nihilego as if she were only a substitute and is implied she might have been verbally abusive calling her ugly if Lillie defied her which is what made Lillie design so significant in the first.

Ultra change this hazardously where they instead made Lusamine HATE UBs, and had full control of her actions while Nihilego took a back seat in favor of Necrozma taking front stage. Of course, Nihilego being shoved aside also came at the detriment of Lillie’s and Gladion’s own development in favor of the Ultra Recon which didn’t even get an ounce of their own development or exploration beyond just a single area that you fight ultra Necrozma in and show up every now and then.

Supposedly the “improvement” to the story was to show a Lusamine that truly regretted her actions because some people didn’t like the fact that her story ended with her being brought to Kanto to be fully treated for the neurotoxin still in her system. But arguably the “apology” just doesn’t work all too well then you consider literally everything else in USUM and was made to be more of a bandaid over a large gash. With SM Lusamine her actions weren’t excused not especially by her own kids which was beautifully demonstrated by Lillie’s famous “I hate you Mother!” speech. Meanwhile, USUM just straight up replaces this with an off-screen ass-kicking and apparently an off-screen talk between Lillie and Lusamine which just takes away all that tension, and the pay is just hand-waved away cause the writers were so caught up with their Necrozma plot they practically forgot that the Aether family story needed to be wrapped up since they weren't using Nihilego as the main drive like in the original plot.

While we could have benefited from seeing Lusamine after her treatment, I just don’t agree with the idea that she’s was somehow put off the hook for being sick.

Though I think what makes it worst(imo) is the fact that they kept Lillie's Nihilego dress in USUM. That dress was incredibly significant to the overall story that SM wanted to tell with Lillie learning to stand up for herself and Lusamine's debilitating obsession with Nihilego but in USUM, Lusamine absolutely hates UBs with a passion. It just leaves A LOT of bad implications and quite honestly I feel like Lillie would have far less of a reason to forgive her mother in USUM than in SM.

TL;DR USUM is good for post-game content but in terms of story, it completely butchered what was an already compelling story about a family being torn apart then brought back together and paints a really questionable picture of Lusamine as a mother who pushed her only remaining family away in favor of revenge instead actually putting work into looking for Mohn which was her original goal prior to her neurotoxin infection. I don't know if my thoughts were made clear enough through this post cause I tend to ramble with long extensive thoughts like this.

#anon ask #long post #aether president lusamine #trainer lillie #trainer gladion #pokemon usum #big ass rambling by yours truly

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dangermousie · 3 years ago

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Case File Compendium - ch 55

Good God, these are getting longer and longer, I feel like the ghost of Leo Tolstoy, sans the beard, is possessing me.

This was hilarious! And I love that despite last night, HY does not get the balance of power permanently altered. He Yu is so very young. And underneath the madness and the rage and the violence, he still has that remnant insecurity and awkwardness that could go away with age.

If he could use a scalpel as well as he can use his tongue, XQC would be the premiere surgeon of the country. But this was brilliant! God, I love XQC so very much!

I wondered for a minute why XQC does not act more distraught and destroyed and then it occurred to me - he is literally incapable of it. This is the same person who saw mangled bodies of his parents as a kid and moved on, the same one who kept functioning when he thought the sole person he loved, his sister, was dead. And this is the same here. He already doesn’t care if he lives or dies, this won’t change that. He will do with the latest horror the same as he did with the rest of the horrors in his life - shove it in a small room in the back of his mind and padlock it, while smoking three packs in a row. It’s not healthy but it enables him to survive.

YESSSSSS! He Yu was clearly fooling himself when he was all “he is gonna hate me and this is great!” He is distraught at the thought of XQC hating him but what the hell else did you expect?! It’s like a teeny baby step on the long road of remorse and groveling MB is gonna stick him on.

YES!!!! Applause!!!! Regardless of what one thinks XQC did or didn’t do, nothing he could have ever possibly done could justify what He Yu did. Not to mention, he treated He Yu when he was his doctor to the best of his ability. (Whatever one thinks of their post-employment interactions, he was not his doctor any more.)

The other thing, I don’t think XQC is a therapist. He’s a psychiatrist. He was clearly there to monitor HY’s illness back way when but it’s to treat physical manifestations and similar. That is why so many of his interactions come from this place. Sure, he talked about HY reintegrating back into society but it wasn’t part of any specific structured therapy sessions, it was just his personal beliefs/conversations. HY needed a bona fide therapist for proper therapy. But his parents never got HY one because they only cared about him being controlled enough to not cause issues to them, they never cared about his well-being. Hell, they never bothered to get him ANY doctor once XQC left and HY was only 14. Because hey, he controls himself so who cares about mental trauma. They are the worst!

Oh God, I want to cosmically slap HY into next week. “You Honor, I drugged and raped a dude but that’s justified because I never got birthday cake as a kid.” I am imagining that as a defense in a court of law.

Yes, I am being snide and disingenuous and reductionist because He Yu’s issues are obviously way beyond that and are genuine and serious, but I have absolutely zero sympathy for a rapist telling his victim that he is the one actually wronged.

And then he says he wouldn’t tell the truth because HY couldn’t bear it.

And guess what? Last night has proven XQC right on all accounts - yes, XX should stay away from He Yu as should anyone who likes self-preservation. And yes, learning that things were hallucinations was something HY couldn’t bear (yes, it got aggravated by finding out people concealed that, but I don’t think reaction would have been in the realm of good even without that.)

I loved that bit so much and I love that He Yu was sooooo close and then wrecked it himself.

The thing is, I don’t think all of the “XQC didn’t see the strength/validity of He Yu’s feelings” is what it seems. I don’t think it’s because he’s paternalistic or weird or heartless. I think it’s a defense mechanism due to trauma. He refuses to see ANYONE’s feelings - hell, he refused his wife’s! I think once his parents were murdered, he locked his heart to survive and refused to allow anyone or anything is so as not to be hurt again. XX is the only exception and that is because she was grandfathered in, so to speak.

And then HY’s actions actually did manage to make it through to the armor. Only for He Yu’s other actions to slam that door shut and put an extra layer of protection on.

Ummm, there is nothing in these chapters that is convincing me that He Yu shouldn’t be locked up forever and instead should be allowed to be in human society.

In general, I keep wondering how XQC will get past chapter 52-53 stuff and my brain breaks. Despite the vast amounts of noncon in 2ha, it is a much easier case there. CWN of main storyline never truly had to - he kept thinking his flashbacks were not real memories but weird dreams and by the time he realized they weren’t, he learned about the flower shortly after and how none of TXJ’s actions were really his fault in close succession. CWN -.5 also learned that near the end of the 0.5 timeline and that is what allowed him to love even that warped 0.5 version of Mo Ran and to tell him to forgive himself before CWN 0.5 died. And when we look at whatever went on with CWN and zombie Taxian Jun, leaving aside that CWN himself was in part looking for the man he loved and lost and being with this tormented, destroyed, controlled version of him was the most he could have, zombie TXJ was not even a proper person to be held responsible - he was a sliver of a soul, mad and controlled and with memory and personality lacunae the size of Australia. And of course the fact that he is the way he is because he sacrificed himself for CWN hangs over everything. We don’t even need to get into “and CWN loves him” to get why for CWN this is really a non-issue.

Despite a much healthier dynamic, Yuwu is interestingly closer. Because Mo Xi x Gu Mang first time is dubcon at best. But even there, it’s a very old-school romance novel set up of “gentleman overcome by his feelings can’t control himself” (and I am not going to get into the fact that Gu Mang’s life is so devoid of love that it’s matter of fact for him to look past the method of expression and fixate instead of the feelings being shown however dysfunctionally, because it would make me depressed.) But it’s basically, intense and terrible at intractions bear child Mo Xi expressing his love/lust/obsession/admiration/devotion to Gu Mang even if in an insane way and Gu Mang is under no mistake than that is what it is and they are in mutual love with GM having the emotional upper hand in every interaction this included (in fact, when he defects some years later, one of the regrets he feels is that he was always more crucial/paramount to Mo Xi than other way around.)

But CFC - forget 2ha, it’s not even Yuwu set-up! He Yu does what he does explicitly to humiliate and destroy and hurt XQC and makes no bones about it - saying things to humiliate him throughout, acting in such a way etc etc. It’s not even a sex version of the infamous Russian proverb “if he beats you means he loves you,” it’s just rape as an act of revenge and power and degradation. (And yes, as a reader, you are aware that the reason HY glommed onto that specifically is because without getting it at all, he’s been obsessed romantically/sexually with XQC for years so he’s acting out. But there is no way XQC can get anything like that from it and even if he somehow magically could when even HY himself doesn’t get it, expressing interest through humiliating and hurting someone on purpose to hurt and humiliate is a whole other level from something like Yuwu.)

So how?!

#cnovel #meatbun doesn’t eat meat #case file compendium #yuwu #2ha

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adarlingsnightmare · 4 years ago

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Osamu Dazai Yandere Alphabet

this was requested by a lot of people and i wrote it awhile ago but am only posting it now bc i spent way too much time fussing over whether it was any good lol.

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

One word: smothering. Dazai's idea of affection involves robbing you of your privacy and getting in your personal space as much as possible. He doesn't even care if you're not comfortable with it, so for anyone who doesn't like being touched, he's an absolute nightmare to be with. He especially likes to wrap his arms around your shoulders from behind and stand like that for as long as possible.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

As messy as necessary! He's more likely to get messy with you than with rivals, though. He is a sadist, but now that he has his precious darling this is all directed towards you, meaning his rivals get fairly swift deaths if Dazai does decide they need to die.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

As previously mentioned, Dazai is a sadist, and therefore loves to cause his darling pain whether that be physical or emotional. Despite this, he can act sweet and loving too, especially if you're not resistant. He does occasionally mock you, but it's not his main tactic of hurting you.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling's will?

Yes, definitely. His darling's wants and needs are completely meaningless to him. To his darling, he may even seem oblivious, but the truth is he just doesn't care. You said you don't want him to spike your drink? Oh, well that's just too bad.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Surprisingly, Dazai will actually be himself around his darling, rather than putting on a persona. He believes that since he loves you, you should know his true self. You're the only person in the world who will ever get to see the real Dazai, though that isn't necessarily a good thing. Don't get excited though, this doesn't mean he is vulnerable, in fact he is probably worse now he doesn't have to restrain himself.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

Mostly amused. A part of Dazai enjoys someone who fights back and won't give in easily, in fact you could even argue he is somewhat masochistic since he gets rather excited by your anger towards him.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Certainly. Dazai is fascinated by human behaviour and watching you react to various torture and situations is his form of entertainment. He may eventually get irritated if you are constantly trying to escape, but he somewhat admires your resilience.

Hell: What would be their darling's worst experience with them?

Honestly, the whole experience is a nightmare because there is no chance of a good ending. Dazai can't be reasoned with, there are no compromises and it is guaranteed to end in tragedy. No matter how strong or smart you are, you can't escape. The best ending is for Dazai to kill you, because at least then your suffering will be over.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

Dazai never expected to live this long, so he's never bothered thinking about the future before, even when it comes to his darling. However, if it came down to it, he'd probably want something similar to the 'typical' married life: a house, loving partner and maybe some kids. He wants to feel more human and he figures acting like everyone else is a good start. Although, despite these fantasies, Dazai will never actually be able to live this life due to who he is.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Oh, Dazai is the definition of jealous. He can't even handle the prospect of you thinking about someone else, let alone anything like actually talking to them. He has to be the centre of your world or he will literally go insane. He's not a hothead like Chuuya, so aside from a very tight grip on you and a dark glare, his jealousy won't be noticeable immediately. However, that's not to say he won't do anything about the situation — scheming on how he can ruin this persons life and if they really don't get the message, he supposes he'll just have to show them what happens to vermin who steal his darling's attention.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

He still retains some of his cheery and mischievous persona, but make no mistake, once he's got you trapped, he'll reveal a much darker side. He likes to act oblivious to your suffering just to wind you up— oh, you're crying about how you want to be let out? so... anyways, what should we have for dinner? — and takes pleasure in both your despair and your anger towards him.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

Depending on which version of Dazai we're talking about here (Mafia or ADA), his way of courting will be different. If you meet while he's in the Port Mafia, he will be more creepy than romantic. Relying more on intimidation than charm, he'll spend his time sadistically toying with you and jumping out of nowhere to wrap his arms around you in a suffocating hold. ADA!Dazai is pretty much the complete opposite— overwhelming you with endless gifts (mainly pricey chocolate and flowers), reciting cheesy love poetry, flirting constantly and of course always asking you whether you'd commit a double suicide with him.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Definitely. While Dazai appears as a cheerful, suicidal maniac with a penchant for troublemaking, he is actually quite different. Around you he does retain some of his facade, but the cracks will show and it'll be undoubtedly unsettling. He deceives you with his sweeter, more carefree side, before he reveals the merciless, cynical person he truly is.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Punishing his darling is Dazai's favourite thing... much to the disdain of his darling. He'll punish you for just about anything and half the time he won't even explain what you've done wrong, simply wanting an excuse to have his fun. His punishment can take many forms, usually sexual, and always teaches you a lesson. The punishments you receive depend on whether we're talking about mafia!Dazai or ADA!Dazai, the former typically based around humiliation and the latter around degradation and pain. (I have quite a few ideas but I didn't want to write too much on this here).

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

Rights? Freedom? What are those? You don't know because you haven't experienced the feeling of independence and being able to make your own decisions since Dazai took an interest in you. He's an unbearably jealous person so he can't allow you to even look at other people, let alone talk to them. Despite how much you prove your loyalty to Dazai, he will still refuse to loosen his suffocating hold over you and your freedom.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

If Dazai thinks it's worth it, he can wait for just about anything, so he is usually relatively patient with his darling. I say 'usually', because while he doesn't mind waiting, he prefers his darling to respond to his questions and advances instantly and you risk getting punished if you don't. Unfortunately for you, you'll never know how patient he's feeling so it's always best to just be alert and reply immediately when he asks you something.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

Definitely not. Dazai's life felt pointless until he met his beloved darling, so you leaving/dying would absolutely destroy him and increase his suicidal tendencies tenfold. Without his raison d'être what point is there in continuing to live?

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

Guilt? Why on earth would Dazai feel guilty? He needs his darling to be around him pretty much 24/7 and kidnapping is the safest option for everyone, why should he feel guilty? I mean, who knows what kind of havoc Dazai would wreak if he couldn't have you by his side...

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Dazai's own ability describes exactly just how disconnected from other people he feels, so it's no surprise that he doesn't really understand love. It's the curiosity of what it's like to be human — to be like everyone else — that will compel him to pursue his darling to the point it develops into an obsession. You'll also have to be different enough to keep his attention, perhaps being eccentric in your own way or being extremely hard to read. He can't feel genuine love, at least not like others do, but he can feel intense obsession and that may be even more dangerous.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Unsurprisingly, Dazai enjoys his darling's tears and despair, being the sadist he is. However, he only likes it when he's the cause of your pain or distress, if you were crying because of someone else it would infuriate him to no end.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

He appears like the typical delusional and deranged yandere, but he's actually very calculating and certainly lucid. He's fully aware of everything he's doing and how wrong it is, but does he care? Not in the slightest.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

Honestly, it's hard to think of ways you could escape Dazai as he is extremely smart and unlike some other yanderes, no matter how compliant you are he will never let down his guard in the slightest. The only possibility is to kill him: whether that's by poisoning his food, smothering him in his sleep or biting down so hard on his neck he bleeds out. Either way, resorting to murder is the most plausible way of escaping.

Wit's end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Of course! What's the point of being with your beloved if you can't inflict a little pain onto them? Pain will be a daily occurrence for you as nothing is more melodic to Dazai than your cries of pain.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

While Dazai doesn't worship you per say, he does see you as ethereal— an angel that he feels compelled to ruin. Since doesn't see himself as human, you are very different to him in his mind. He wants someone else to feel as inhuman as he does, which is why he takes great pleasure in destroying your humanity. He isn't worried about winning you over either; he may appear like he is trying to do so, but he knows that if you don't return his advances he can just make you love him.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

As mentioned previously, Dazai can be very patient when he wants to be and has no problem playing the long game if he feels it is necessary. He won't kidnap you immediately: preferring to slowly worm his way into your life so that by the time you realise his true, much darker intentions, it's already too late to escape.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Well, he wants to mould his darling into the perfect submissive little kitten, so yes it is likely he would break them down until all he had to do was rebuild them in the image he wanted. Even if you genuinely love him back and want to be with him, Dazai will still tear down your mental stability to the point of complete reliance on him. He's never experienced any real love from another person before or been in an actual relationship, so it's safe to say his views on love are a little skewed. However, after he had completely broken you, Dazai would feel the closest he can to regret. He doesn't actually want you to be a lifeless doll, but unfortunately he only realises this after you're already too far gone.

#yandere x reader #yandere imagine #yandere dazai #yandere bsd #yandere #osamu dazai x reader #yandere osamu dazai #yandere bungou stray dogs #dazai x reader #yandere alphabet #osamu dazai #tw yandere #tw abuse #yandere scenario #yandere headcanons #bsd imagine #bsd x reader #yandere male

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vickysaurus · 3 years ago

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What if season 5 was two seasons?

So watching through season 5, I kept noticing how fast the pacing had to be with the amount plot threads there were and how often I went ‘I wish we saw more of X’. So as I’ve mentioned a couple of times, I’ve started wondering if it might’ve been better if its story had been spread over two seasons rather than one. Now, obviously I understand that kind of change would not have been in the crew’s hands and no matter what they wanted would likely have been impossible. This is not intended as a ‘they should’ve just done this’ but as a thought experiment. Would a sixth season even have worked? So I’m gonna try and figure out how season 5′s content might’ve been done over two seasons in an alternate universe. In order to keep straight how far in the seasons we are, I’m gonna number the episodes 5-1 to 5-13 and 6-1 to 6-13 for clarity.

-5-1: We’re gonna start off immediately inserting an extra episode: The Fall of Bright Moon. Rather than a time skip, we get to see the first days of the invasion and the evacuation of Bright Moon in the face of overwhelming force. Micah has to switch back into being king, Adora has to deal with losing She-Ra, Bow has to deal with losing Glimmer. There’s a major subplot about Scorpia working up the courage to apologise to Entrapta and the two of them reconnecting. Perfuma probably helps her with that. That sounds like a pretty busy episode, but I think the first two Velvet Glove scenes from Horde Prime should probably be moved to it to not just leave Catra and Glimmer hanging completely.

-5-2 to 5-4: Horde Prime, Launch, and Corridors stay mostly the same. Since I moved the first Velvet Glove scenes to 5-1 and we can probably cut a bit of exposition from Horde Prime with the addition of that episode, these episodes get a couple minutes extra, which is split between an extra Glimmer and Catra in jail scene and some more of Scorpia and Entrapta’s friendship in Launch.

-5-5 and 5-6: An extra season gives us time for worldbuilding and more of the new characters, and since I like the Star siblings I’m gonna selfishly give them a bunch more screen time. The plan to save Catra takes more preparation in this version, leading Best Friend Squad and the Star siblings to go on an adventure on another planet after Stranded, one that is under Horde occupation but hasn’t been destroyed by them. They’re there for either information or some kind of device they’ll need to get on the Velvet Glove, but end up sowing the seeds for a local rebellion on the planet. We’ll see more of that plot later on.

-5-7: Save the Cat. It’s perfect as is.

-5-8: Taking Control’s A plot, enhanced with some scenes from Don’t Go into a full episode.

-5-9: This is where Taking Control’s B plot with the chipped Etherians goes. To go with it, Best Friend Squad is going on another space adventure after a rendez-vous with the Star siblings while they try and escape the Horde. I’m thinking maybe Hordak could be one of the clones searching for them, and while he doesn’t come face-to-face with Entrapta we could see some more of his conflicting feelings building in the course of this. Just a moment’s hesitation on his part allows Best Friend Squad to escape. Catra befriending Glimmer and Bow is a major part of this episode, and it basically bridges the gap between the little overtures between them in Taking Control and Catra as a part of Best Friend Squad in Shot in the Dark.

-5-10: Kyle, Lonnie, and Rogelio only get a cameo in season 5, and that’s something I really want to change. I want to give them a ‘Lower Decks’ episode where they’re basically just trying to go about their lives post-Horde but rapidly discovering the war is impossible to ignore. I feel like we don’t see enough of the normal Etherians in general, and I think these three are a great way to show how they’re doing.

-5-11: Perils of Peekablue. However, the scene at the end where it turns out Micah is already chipped and so are enormous amounts of Etherians doesn’t happen yet.

-5-12 and 5-13: So now I need to have a big season finale happen, and unfortunately Shot In The Dark, while a great episode, is also a little too low-energy to fit the bill. So what I’m gonna do is make it the B-plot of a finale two-parter. The A-plot is set on Etheria, and is basically some big climactic business where the Princesses, General Juliet, (remember her?) and many common Etherians take the fight back to the chipped princesses, and things go well until disaster strikes and Micah gets chipped. Pretty vague, I know. The ‘Lower Decks’ episode we did sets up a lot of the plot here; Lonnie, Rogelio, and Kyle are probably involved in it. The two-parter ends with the big ‘Oh fuck everyone’s chipped’ moment at the end of Perils of Peekablueas the big season-ending cliffhanger. After that scene, we switch to Best Friend Squad landing on Etheria, and that’s how season 5 ends.

-6-1: I think An Ill Wind would be a solid season opener as is.

-6-2 to 6-10: Yeah, I’m gonna take this whole block of episodes in one go, because this is where it gets complicated. Return to the Fright Zone and Failsafe take place in this block, but it’s beyond my ability to figure out the full plot developments of this entire season. While for season 5 I can keep to the structure of Best Friend Squad’s space adventure, season 6 is gonna be a lot more freeform, and would presumably have major plot elements added. Here’s my thoughts on these nine episodes:

-The chipped princesses get unchipped earlier. They provide good heartwrenching moments, cool bossfights, and allow for major villains ranking below Prime without having to introduce new characters, but I think ultimately it does the chipped princesses a disservice since they just don’t get to show character in the second half of the season. Just compare how well we know Netossa as a character with how well we know Spinnerella. So they get unchipped over the course of these episodes and get to be with the Rebellion again afterwards. Mermista and Spinnerella get unchipped the same way as in canon. Scorpia actually gets to talk while chipped and has a heartwrenching confrontation with Catra in which she basically responds in the worst possible ways to Catra’s regrets (the same way we saw chipped Catra basically being am expression of her worst traits) and they have a fight that’s super rough for Catra, but Catra manages to damage her chip and save her. They have a better chat afterwards, and that’s when they make up and hug it out. I think Micah is the last one to be unchipped, and I might actually keep him chipped until Heart, Part 1 so Glimmer still gets that climactic confrontation with him. Now, a possible concern is that this means there’s just not gonna be enough ‘bosses’ around to fight in Heart. Solutions to this could include for example advanced robots, chipped minor characters like Huntara, Dumbface Octavia, and alien monsters. Maybe Hordak? Though I definitely want him back on the Velvet Glove’s bridge in time to give Prime his date with gravity.

-So that’s sort of the major arc, but there are several characters and plot threads that I feel could easily be an episode’s A- or B-plot in this bunch:

*Catra is mortified when she realises she caused Angella’s death and has a big freak-out over it and tries to run away, Glimmer confronts her and they deal with their feelings on the matter

*Another Kyle, Lonnie, and Rogelio episode

*A Wrong Hordak episode where he discovers his own identity and picks a name, also feat. Entrapta’s attempts to reach out to Hordak

*Madame Razz episode where Adora tries to get her help, possibly involving the Crystal Castle and George and Lance

*Sea Hawk and Double Trouble drama kids adventure where they try to save Mermista (I think Mermista vs. Sea Hawk and Mermista being unchipped gets moved to the end of this episode). These two were delightful for the little time we saw them together in Perils of Peekablue and I want Sea Hawk to somehow rope Double Trouble into an adventure.

*All the space adventures and world building I put in season 5 coming to a head when some form of space reinforcements led by the Star siblings come to help.

*And of course Return to the Fright Zone and Failsafe.

-6-11 to 6-13: Heart is now a three-parter, deal with it. Horde Prime is beaten at the end of part 2, or more likely the start of part 3, and the rest of part 3 is that sweet dénouement I crave.

So with all that laid out, let’s return to the question: would this work? I think if it had originally been written to be two seasons, the story could have easily worked for two. As is, I’m retrofitting a single season to be two, so some of the stuff I’ve added sounds rather redundant or vague. There are certainly enough plotlines and characters to make a split work, but of course those would’ve had to have been written into the plot from the start to not feel tacked on. Of course, brevity is the soul of wit, so even if two seasons had been an option, it’s quite possible a single that has too little time is still better than two that have too much.

#spop #she-ra and the princesses of power #meta #season 5

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harryhandstan · 4 years ago

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kiss in the kitchen

gif credit

We’re gonna ignore the fact that I keep using lyrics as my titles cause I’m not creative enough to come up with my own

This is for @lovinhesmdcn‘s Mean Birthday writing prompt event! My birthday this year was one of the worst days of my life so I chose to create a fantasy where that day never happened. *deep sigh* one day I will stop using my personal experiences so much in my writing but today is not that day.

I feel the need to apologize to those of you that read the sneak peek and came here expecting smut! This is pure fluff sorry :) hope you still enjoy it!

word count: 3k

Harry was still baffled at the fact that you did not care one bit about celebrating your birthday.

"It's your special day, love, wanna celebrate you. With you. Y'don't want a party or anything?"

You shake your head no, strands of hair falling from your messy bun into your face. You brush them away and bring your mug of coffee to your lips, taking a long sip. This had become Harry's daily breakfast topic, trying to convince you to let him do something for your day of birth.

"I told you, Harry. My last birthday was..a traumatic day for me and I just don't want to be reminded of that."

"I know, but," He stuffs another bite of pancake in his mouth before continuing, "This year you have me. I wanna spoil my girl and s'not fair that you're refusing me that chance."

You roll your eyes, "You spoil me everyday."

"Do not."

"Do too. Who made breakfast and refused to let me help?"

"That's not spoiling. S'just because I didn't want you to burn the pancakes again."

"That was ONE time, and it's only because YOU distracted me."

"Just wanted a good morning kiss, ya the one that got all greedy and wanted more." He waves his fork in your direction, emphasizing his point, "Filthy little tease, you are."

"Maybe I am, but you have to admit you started it that day."

You stand to take the now empty plates to the sink. Before you have a chance to stack them, Harry is pulling you into his lap. A sticky, syrup flavored kiss pressed to the corner of your mouth. His hands moving around to interlock behind your back to keep you secure.

"If you truly don't want to do anything for your birthday, we won't. It's your day, you decide how we spend it, alright? Shame to pass up the opportunity for cake though."

You sigh, admitting defeat, "We can have cake, if that will make you happy."

"Yeah?" His eyes light up at the idea, "A party with presents too?"

"No party. Just want to spend the day with you. Maybe dinner or something, just the two of us. You may buy me one present, if you wish."

"One present, huh?"

"I mean it, Harry. No party. NO surprise guests. One present. Promise me." You hold one pinky out, waiting.

He looks at your finger, level now with his face, eyes narrowed at it before bringing a hand to loop his pinky around yours, "Deal. Any other rules?"

You shake your head no, placing your hand flat to his chest to push yourself off his lap.

He catches you quickly, a strong arm thrown around your waist, ignoring your laughter as you plop back down on his thighs.

"Y'not going anywhere yet. We have cake flavors to discuss."

When the day arrives, the two of you spend most of the morning in bed before he forces you to get up for a late lunch.

A small square package, messily wrapped in colorful paper lay on the kitchen table in front of you,

"This does NOT count as your present. I just saw it at the store and couldn't resist.”

He's giggly the whole time you rip the paper away, you protesting about him already breaking your rules.

"S'not a real one, of course. Knew you'd throw a fit if I did that."

With the paper finally gone, you pull the top off the box only to gasp at what's nestled there in tissue paper.

A crown. A more grown up version of the plastic, fake-jeweled ones you wore religiously as a child. This one sparkles silver against pastel pink paper, the afternoon light reflecting the glitter and casting a glow across your face. When you don't move to take it from its wrapping, Harry moves forward, removing it from the box to nestle it on top of your head.

He pulls back, eyes sweeping over your face, hovering there for a moment before placing a kiss to the top of your head.

"How's it look?" He's looking at you the way you look at a sunset, like he's never seen anything more gorgeous.

"Perfect."

"Thank you, H. You're spoiling me again."

"S'your birthday, princess, will you stop being so stubborn and just enjoy it?"

"Where're we going for dinner?"

You stand in front of your closet, post-shower, in nothing but a loose sleep shirt and underwear. Your hair rests atop your head in rollers. Your only instructions so far from Harry were to get ready and dress nice.

"Who says m'taking you to dinner?" His voice is muffled through the slightly open bathroom door.

"Oh..I just thought.."

He emerges from behind the door, towel tied loosely around his waist, coming to stand next to you in front of his own side of the closet you share. His hand snakes around to rest on your hip before pulling you close to press a kiss to your temple.

"M'just kidding, lovie. Just want to surprise you though..can you let me do that?"

His hand resting on your mostly bare hip has you pulling your bottom lip into your mouth and casting a smirk his way.

"None of that," He quickly pulls his hand away, landing a playful swat to your thigh before smiling down at the mark he knows will temporarily form on your skin, "We have reservations, plenty of time for all that after dinner."

"Well will you at least tell me how nice you mean by dress nice? How am I supposed to decide what to wear? You know I have a hard enough time choosing when I do know where we're going."

"Then let me choose for you." He leads you to the bed, pushing you to sit on the edge, a hand coming to cover your eyes.

You let out a deep sigh, closing your eyes.

"D'ya not trust me?"

"Of course I do. You know I do."

"Alright then. No peekin'."

You hear him shuffle away, then the sound of hangers gliding back and forth across the rod in the closet as he makes his selection.

"Will you be picking shoes as well? Or do I get to decide that?"

"I'll pick them." It's easy to visualize the smile on his lips. He's enjoying this way too much.

You hear the bathroom door open again and you temporarily peek one eye open, your curiosity getting the better of you.

"What about jewelry?"

"Ah, forgot about that. Thank you, babe." He's at your dresser now, you hear the top of your jewelry box being removed and the clink of things being removed and replaced as he carefully coordinates what will go best together.

"Can I open my eyes yet?"

"Patience, angel. Almost done."

His feet are too quiet as he returns to you, and you jump when a finger boops your nose. He chuckles before bending down to whisper in your ear, "Be ready in 20" landing another playful swat at your hip.

He's placed everything in the bathroom, hanging the dress on the back of the door, shoes and accessories on the counter.

Of course he would choose that dress. He's told you frequently how much he loves it on you, the soft, flowy fabric hugging your body and accentuating your features in the most flattering ways. Lucky for him it was one of your favorites too. You laugh when you see the shoes, a pair of low set heels. He knows you too well, knows you will most likely want a glass of wine (or two) with dinner and how dangerous your higher heels are, even when you're sober.

20 minutes isn't as much time as you would have liked, but you put yourself together as best you can with the time you are given. Thankfully your hair set easily in soft waves because of the rollers, saving you that extra time to make sure your make-up looks as decent as possible.

Harry waits for you, perched on the edge of the bed in the same spot he made you sit earlier while he selected your outfit. His head is down and when you appear in front of him he looks up, letting out a low whistle at the sight of you.

"You look like a dream, love, an absolute dream." His hands come to rest on your hips, eyes sweeping over your body, basking in the glow of your beauty.

You run your hands through his hair, trying to ignore his hand traveling further down to dip under the hem of your dress. When his fingers graze the inside of your thigh, you tug lightly at the ends of his curls, just enough to pull his attention back up to your face.

"Thought you said we didn't have time for all that..reservations, remember?"

"Damn the reservations. They can hold the table for a bit.."

"Last time you said that, we didn't even make it to dinner, H. I love you, I love your hands..and your mouth," You run your thumb over his bottom lip, which earns you a cheeky grin, "But right now the birthday girl is very hungry and she was promised dinner."

He groans when you pull your hands from his hair, tugging on his wrist to pull him up. The new angle has him looking down at you now, and for a second you regret rejecting his offer. An evening spent in bed with him would be just as perfect, if not more, than any dinner he could treat you to. He's grinning, like he knows exactly what you're thinking.

"S'pose she was. Can I at least give the birthday girl a kiss before we go?" His hand is slipping around to the back of your neck, pulling you closer. He knows you'll say yes, and yet he still waits, wants to hear you say it.

"Hmm..the birthday girl would happily accept a kiss."

The restaurant is far more extravagant than you could have imagined. It has you repeatedly looking down at the dress you felt so confident in 10 minutes before in the comfort of your own home. It's not elegant enough, you're sure nothing in your closet would have been. You wish desperately you had brought a sweater with you, if not to cover up as much as to have the comfort against your skin.

Harry senses your unease and quickly determines the source, taking your hand from across the table, reminding you how perfect you look. You think you detect a bit of nerves flowing from him as well, but you think nothing of it, dismissing it quickly as you projecting your own feelings onto him.

He had promised your present, your real present, would be given to you at dinner. But he carried with him no bag, no messily wrapped package like from the afternoon. Just himself and his too expensive suit, sitting across from you. He's scanning the menu, rambling on about what sounds good and you hum agreements here and there, but you can't help but be curious what else he has planned for the evening.

After the waiter comes to take your order, you take a moment to scold him, "This is too much, Harry. You really shouldn't have."

He just shrugs, brushing your reprimand off, simply saying, "S'a special night, innit?"

The food is amazing, as you knew it would be. You both stay mostly silent through the rest of dinner, just enjoying your meals and each other's company. Occasionally he stares at you affectionately as you sip your wine.

You had talked him down from the idea of a cake, deciding that dessert at whatever restaurant he chose would be the more low-key option. So when the dessert course arrives and there's still no mention of a present, you don't say anything. Truth be told you don't really care if he got you anything, he had followed your requests; no party, just a day with him and a quiet dinner. But it wasn't like him and just as you're about to question him, deciding how best to word it without sounding like a brat, he reaches into his jacket pocket.

Instead of pulling out whatever it was he was so carefully trying to surprise you with, his eyes go wide. He frantically pats all his pockets, even checking underneath the table to make sure it hadn't tumbled out and landed at his feet. He straightens, clearing his throat and you laugh at his flustered expression.

"Lose something there, Harry?"

"No, no..I, um..must've just forgotten it at home. I swear, honey, I'm so sorry. I was so careful to keep it hidden from you this past week. Couldn't wait to give it to you and I just..ruined the whole night now."

"H, I don't care. I mean, I care that you're upset, but I don't care if you forgot the present. I wouldn't have cared if you didn't get me a thing. The day with you, the dinner, nothing could ruin that."

"You're too good to me, too forgiving. I forget and you comfort me, s'not fair." He's smiling though, green eyes glowing in the candlelight between the two of you.

The next night, the two of you get a rare night in to spend together. No staying late at work for you, no extra time in the studio for him. Just takeout and trash tv that Harry always complains about, but secretly loved just as much as you. You were waiting on your Mexican food to be delivered, mixing up a batch of margaritas. You would take a night like this over an exquisite dinner out anytime.

Harry had spent the whole day apologizing, finding little ways to try to make up for what he still claimed was a ruined dinner. You shushed him each time, just wishing he would forgive himself.

Just as you're getting glasses down to pour drinks for the two of you, Harry sneaks up behind you. He takes your hand, twirling you around to face him, catching your waist when you almost fall.

He chuckles, but instantly the energy in the room has changed. It's different from your normal, everyday butterflies you get from his hand resting against your skin. No, this feels much heavier and it terrifies you.

"Found your present." His tone is light enough that some of your anxiety is eased, the smile growing on his face chasing any other doubts away that may have temporarily flooded your thoughts.

Before you can say anything, he's lifting your hand and slipping a ring on your finger.

"Oh Harry, it's stunning!" Your mind doesn't even make the connection at first, you're too mesmerized by the simple beauty of the silver ring sitting snug against your skin. He's still smiling, so big the crinkles around his eyes are shining, dimples prominent on either side of his mouth. He seems to be expecting an answer, but he hasn't asked you a question..

Suddenly it all becomes clear; the fancy dinner, the special night, it wasn't all just for your birthday.

"Harry, is this a..?" You can't even say the word, it gets caught in your throat and you swallow quickly. Before you can try again, he answers.

"S'what I intended it for, yeah." He's still beaming, "You said only one present and I wanted it to be one that counts. I know we haven't really talked much about this but it's been on my mind for a while. I love you so much, you're so good to me, good for me too and I just can't imagine not spending the rest of my days with you. Having children and growing old with you by my side, if that’s what you want. S'pose I should actually say the words though, right?"

He takes a deep breath, bringing your hand to rest on his chest, his hand covering yours before speaking again, "Will you marry me?"

The next breath out of your body is a single, "Yes." You think maybe it was too quiet and he didn't hear you at first, but then his eyes meet yours, searching quickly for any more doubts, "Yeah?"

You nod, tears forming as he lifts you, spins you once around in the kitchen before sitting you on the counter. He fits easily there in the space in front of you, like he was created to be there. To be yours, and you his.

"I have a confession to make." He's looking at you like a child who just got caught doing something they shouldn't have been doing.

"I didn't forget the ring last night." He's looking down, eyes darting up at you to gauge your reaction, scared to death you'll change your mind at any second.

"You had it with you the whole time? All that was an act? Looking for the ring, pretending it wasn't really there?"

"Well, no. I didn't have the ring on me then. The waiter had it. He was waiting on my signal. But yeah the rest of it was an act..had to pretend I’d forgotten it. Did a pretty good job, eh?"

"So when was it supposed to be delivered then?"

"With dessert, but that just," He wrinkles his nose, "Didn't feel right, didn't feel like us. I would much rather tell our children that I proposed to their mother like this than in some fancy restaurant that she didn't look comfortable in."

"I really looked that miserable, huh?" You wrinkle your nose back, trying to picture the image that Harry must've seen of you the night before.

"No, you looked gorgeous, love. I just prefer you like this. Softer and messier and fun and just not a care in the world as you dance around our kitchen making drinks for us."

The tears are spilling over now and he moves closer, hands cupping your cheeks and swiping them away.

"I love you so much, H." You wrap your arms around his neck and he wraps his around your middle, lifting you again. He holds you there for a minute, burying his face in your neck and securing his hands under you so you won't fall.

"I love you more, baby, so much more." He places kisses up your neck and along your jaw, landing the final one on your lips.

Whatever tragic memory your birthday held for you previously, would now forever shine instead with the reminder of his love for you.

#meanbirthdayprompt #harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #my writing #this is so cheesy as alwayssss

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uncurlinglikeflowers · 3 years ago

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Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well.

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked.

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things.

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure.

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance.

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before.

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him.

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay.

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways.

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts.

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most.

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval.

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family.

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general.

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me.

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles.

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek.

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life?

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride.

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today.

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process.

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection.

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us.

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

#pride #gay #lgbt #journaling #love #queer #coming out #coming out stories #queer trauma #adolescent trauma #self love #healing #trauma

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slade-neko · 3 years ago

Text

Saw this video game tag thing pop up on my dash a few days ago. Wanted to do it.

1. First game you played obsessively? Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, I believe I was 5yo. Still waiting on that FF7 Remake treatment.

2. A game that has influenced you creatively? Writing, drawing, etc. Well if I play a game and like it, then I'll create sims of it. Does that count?

3. Who did you play with as a kid? My brother from the day I was born.

4. Who do you play with now? My brother FROM THE DAY I WAS BORN.

5. Ever use cheat codes? I wasn't lying when I made this post. {link}

6. Ever buy strategy guides? Yes! Mainly to look at the artwork though. (Don't need no guide!)

7. Any games you have multiple copies of? Lots of games, most being Left 4 Dead with 6 copies (3 Xbox 360, 1 PC case, 2 PC digitally.) What can I say, its a GOOD GAME!

8. Rarest/Most expensive game in your collection? Gold cartridge Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time (maybe that's rare?)

9. Most regrettable purchase? I don't regret my purchases, but I have received games I have never played like Cubix (PS2) no clue where that game came from, but I have it somehow. Madagascar (Xbox 360) came with my Xbox 360, never opened it from its case. And Monsters Inc. Scream Arena (Gamecube) or something... it was a gift.

10. Ever go to a midnight game release or stand in line for hours? No, because then I'd have to interact with people.

11. Have you ever made new friends from playing video games? I'm only friends with people BECAUSE of video games, so yes.

12. Ever get picked on for liking games? No, that'd be ridiculous.

13. A game you’ve never played that everyone else has? Probably a lot, I'd say Call of Duty, but I technically played CoD 1, 2, and 4. The campaign mode was alright, but I don't really care for CoD games at ALL.

14. Favorite game music? Koji Kondo and Grant Kirkhope are two BIG ones.

15. If it was a requirement to get a game related tattoo, what would you pick? Triforce is the most basic option, but I'd rather not get a tattoo.

16. Favorite game to play with your friends IRL? Super Smash Bros. Brawl with hacks, but that was over a decade ago.

17. Ever lose a friend over a game? No, that'd be ridiculous.

18. Would you date someone that hates gaming? No, that'd be RIDICULOUS.

19. Favorite handheld console? PSP. 3DS is great, but PSP Monster Hunter has ALL of my portable gaming memories. Like playing in school after End of Grade tests with my friend.

20. Game that you know like the back of your hand? Sims 4 I like to think I know everything about Left 4 Dead. Quite a bit about Monster Hunter, more so of a series though than a specific game.

21. Game that you didn’t like or understand as a kid but love now? I'd say Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic. I loved it as a kid, but had a lot of complex pen & paper RPG mechanics that I never understood. I understand a lot more of it now, but its still complex as all heck. I just know you hit things, they die.

22. Do you wear game related clothing/accessories? That's the only thing I wear.

23. The game that you’ve logged the most hours into? Not sure so I'll list a few. Sims 4, Smash Bros. Brawl, Monster Hunter (its a series though), or Left 4 Dead

24. First Pokemon game? Leaf Green

25. Were you ever an arcade game player? No, don't like paying to play.

26. Ever form any gaming rivalries? No.

27. Game that makes you rage? I don't get mad at games, but I had a custom modded Hard Eight mutation in Left 4 Dead that is absolute bullsh*t!

28. Ever play in a tournament? No, because then I'd have to interact with people.

29. What is your gaming set up? A giant wall of video game consoles spanning from NES to Switch, 4 TVs, but I sit at a desk with a PC.

30. How many consoles do you own? "I own every console that's ever existed." - I Don't Play Games When I Play Games (My STRENTH) original song by Smooth McGroove BUT no seriously I own 32 consoles including handhelds.

31. Does the 3DS and/or Virtual Boy hurt your eyes or give you headaches? Yes. 3DS gave me headaches though I only really played with the 3D feature in Ocarina of Time 3D. I think my eyes broke because I couldn't get my 3D to work very well after.

32. Did you ever play a game based on your favorite show/cartoon/movie/comic? Sure I play games based on a lot of things. Literally any anime game. If I had to pick Dragon Ball Xenoverse is kinda like a dream Dragon Ball game. Oh, Attack on Titan 2 is pretty neat too!

33. Did you ever have any bootleg games or plug-n-play games? Some SEGA plug-n-play thing once. Played it like once and now its lost to time (or my closet.)

34. Do either of your parents play video games? Yes. Mom and Dad played NES Super Mario Bros. My Dad went HARD at that game until he saved the Princess. Then he quit forever.

35. Ever work in a game store? Or do you have a favorite game shop? "Hi. Welcome to Gamestop!"I never want to hear that again, but it was my main store until I went full digital/ online orders.

36. Have you ever shed actual blood, sweat or tears over a game? No, I don't tend to get upset or emotional, but Bill dying in Left 4 Dead made me pretty pissed.

37. Have you played E.T. for the Atari 2600? Do you think that’s the worst game ever, or do you have another nomination? Never played it. I don't really play "bad" games, but maybe Sims 4.

38. A game you’re ashamed to admit that you like? The Sims 4

39. A sequel that you would die for them to make? Dragon's Dogma 2 WHICH I think is actually in development, so I'd have to say Fallout New Vegas 2. C'mon Bethesda you cowards, hand the keys back over to Obsidian so they can make another good Fallout game!

40. What to you think of virtual reality headsets or motion controls? Two part question, two answers. VR Headset to immerse in world, yes. Motion Controls, no.

41. A genre that you just can’t get into? MOBAs and MMOs. I don't like paying to keep playing.

42. Maybe it wasn’t your first game, but what was the game that started you on your path to nerdiness? Nintendo 64 opened me up to what video games could be as a kid. Sad to say my parents' NES didn't really do that for me. And years later Fallout 3 was a big game changer for me too.

43. Ever play games when you really should have been concentrating on something else? Every day of my LIFE.

44. Arcade machine that has consumed the most of your quarters? None. I'd rather emulate.

45. How are you at Mario Kart? Pretty dang good. 3-STARS MARIO KART WII, BABY!

46. Do you like relaxing games like Animal Crossing or Harvest Moon? Yes, both of those. I preferred when Animal Crossing had more character to it. New Horizons looks so pretty, but feels so bland compared to classic AC.

47. Do you like competitive games? No. Not really. Usually amongst friends or if I can get competitive against AI Bots. I love my machine bot friends cause they don't cry like 10 year olds when they lose.

48. How long does it take your to customize your player character? Too long. I've seriously restarted games because I wasn't happy with my character's appearance.

49. In games where you can pick your class, do you always tend to go for the same type of character? Yes, I am always the magic man, my brother is always brute warrior, and my friend is the ranger.

50. If you were a game designer, what masterpiece would you create? I don't really know. Honestly, I'd rather mod already good games to make them better than create something completely new.

51. Have you ever played a game for so long that you forgot to eat or sleep? No, that'd be ridiculous. But I've had a friend fall asleep playing games at my house 3 different times and currently dozes off during our Minecraft sessions. So, maybe that's not a completely ridiculous thing after all.

52. A game that you begged your parents for as a kid? Kirby 64 apparently. My brother tells me we had to count out pennies to buy it. I must've been too young with no recollection, but I believe it.

53. What’s your opinion on DLC these days? It's good if its not in the game's files from the beginning and is actually developed AFTER launch... and pre-order bonuses should be standard DLC a month or two later. Some games have content lost to time because of that pre-order bullsh*t.

54. Do you give in to Steam sales? Of course. If you want a game and its on sale then why not? I typically wait just for Steam sales to get games.

55. Did you ever make someone you hated in the Sims and did mean stuff to them? No? I typically make people and characters I like in Sims. I've made villains like Dio, but he's an anime villain and I don't really HATE him despite the horrible things he's done.

56. Did you ever play Roller Coaster Tycoon and kill off your guests? No. Never played that game.

57. Did you ever play a game to 100% or get all of the achievements? I try to for all the games I really like.

58. If you can only play 3 games for the rest of your life, which ones do you pick? The Sims 4, Skyrim, & Fallout: New Vegas. Mods make them live forever. Left 4 Dead and Monster Hunter are good choices too.

59. Do you play any cell phone games? Those aren't games.

60. Do you know the Konami Code? No? But I'll take a guess. Is it make an IP and forget it exists?

61. Do you trade in your games or keep them forever? Keep forever... even the bad ones.

62. Ever buy a console specifically to play one game? PS4 Pro for Monster Hunter World. It was basically for early access since the PC version was being developed and releasing after PS4, but I don't like waiting.

63. Ever go to a gaming convention or tournament? Sort of. Been to anime cons and walked into the gaming tournament rooms only to walk out less than 10 minutes later.

64. Ever make a TV or monitor purchase based on what would be best for gaming? No, but I'm going to be doing that soon, hopefully.

65. Ever have a Game Genie, Game Shark or Action Replay? Did it ever mess up your game’s save file? GameShark for N64, PS2, Gameboy, and Action Replay for Gamecube, DS, 3DS. And no not really, I would cheat responsibly... but there was this one time at school my friend and I borrowed another friend's Gameboy game, loaded it up with my Gameshark, tried playing, it crashed, loaded it back up, save file corrupted... we just stared at each other jaws dropped, "Here's your game back, dude. Make sure you don't play it til you get back home!"

66. Did you ever have have an old Nokia with Snake on it? No, but I remember seeing them on billboards in the game DRIV3R on PS2.

67. Do you have a happy gaming-related childhood memory you want to share? Every game I play is filled with happy memories (mostly.)

68. Ever save up a ton of tickets in an arcade to get something cool? These tiger plushes. My brother got white and I got orange. They were the coolest. Got a butt load of tickets from some jackpot spinning light game thing as I was good at the timing with repeated jackpot hits.

69. In your opinion, best game ever made? I've played quite a few masterpiece games, but to pick one, I'd say Fallout: New Vegas

70. Very first game you ever beat? Super Mario 64. I was a mere child on a Sunday morning and ate celebratory pancakes made by my Dad.

Wow, that was long... I get the feeling this was supposed to be a "send me ask with numbers" thing, but answering all at once is more fun.

#personal #video games

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hiro-gari · 4 years ago

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Just saw this post this morning: https://bamsara.tumblr.com/post/648921115261108224/here-i-did-the-shipping-dynamic-thingie-if-you

It got me thinking that the ship dynamics number 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, and 7 could be Batarou! Here let me explain what I'm thinking about them..

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#1 : "Both have equal strength, but one of them is batshit crazy."

Basically Garou and Badd in canon, lol! They're of course equally strong, and Garou is usually the one who goes berserk batshit feral. Back then it was when Garou fighting against the S-Class heroes, nowadays he becomes feral when something bad happened to his beloved delinquent hero.

But that doesn't mean if Badd couldn't be feral, too. In fact, he could be very frightening when he does it. Especially whenever people mocked Garou's past as hero hunter, or worst, saying that Garou didn't deserved a good boyfriend/husband like Badd. It would set Badd on fire, and there will be at least destroyed building at the end of carnage. While Garou on the sideline watching the whole scenes: "Well mark me down as scared and horny." 😳🔥

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#2 : "The chaotic human with no self-preservation whatsoever, and the supernatural creature desperately trying to keep them alive."

Yooo we had already know Badd is ABSOLUTELY have no self-preservation whatsoever, courtesy by Zenko and Garou. Being so selfless and too determinated by his goals, wont back down at all before he finished the business.. 😔

And Garou is the Human Monster, now that they're dating, will protect and keeps Badd alive at all cost! Sometimes he must dragged Badd away forcibly from the battlefield because Badd is just too stubborn 👿

But if you want the more accurate depiction, I actually have written an older headcanon about it last year. It was about Demon Garou and Human Badd, with Demon Garou slowly becomes "Guardian Demon" for Super Clumsy™ Badd, by saving his life instead of eating his soul because he fell in love with the human.

Badd was desperately finding a way to cure Zenko from chronic illness, and he decided to summon a demon to help him saving Zenko in exchange for his soul. The demon, Garou, accepted the contract and ready to reap his soul whenever he wanted after Garou saved Badd's little sister.

But the problem was, Garou didn't expect that Badd is so clumsy and always endangered his own life. Everytime Garou wants to eat Badd’s soul, he always doing something reckless that makes Garou had urge to save his life. He didn’t want to reap Badd’s soul when he’s in such stupid moment like that, he wants the best time possible.

Then slowly, the demon realized that he doesn't even want to eat Badd's soul anymore, instead he wanted to protect him, to cherish and loving him dearly. Thus, he becomes "Guardian Demon".

You can read the full version of it in here, if you're curious: https://kaincuro.tumblr.com/post/615404377513066496/

Which is it also have been made as a lovely story by @lovelybutnot-ablankcanvas with a title “Dangerous Illusion” in here: archiveofourown.org/works/23665795/chapters/56809585

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#3 : "The super popular celebrity, and the cafe barista that doesn't know (or care) who they are."

Considering in canon, basically Garou being a "celebrity villain" who debuted for his new career as Hero Hunter in Hero Association HQ. And Badd doesn't even know what Garou looks like (he asked himself "Is it Garou??" when he faced some monsters in sushi shop) or even recognized him at the first glance (he thought Garou just a troublesome punk boy or random annoying civillian).

Now imagine them in AU where: Garou is either a supermodel or a famous singer who likes to drop by in a small cozy coffee shop because the barista is so cute, so he tried to come as a regular to flirt with Badd and also drinking his delicious coffee. Garou genuinely likes Badd's own brewed coffee, or any of his creations. If Badd wasn't on his shift at that day, then Garou just "Bye!" while giving middle finger to any of Badd's coworkers that were unfortunately saw this bastard guy appeared on the shop.

And Badd who doesn't care anything about idols after the whole Amai Mask worshipping™ done by Zenko so he never recognize Garou's public persona than the fact Garou is a super annoying Handsome&Hot™ guy. He just want to get his job done and making some money to pay for Zenko's tuition. Whenever Garou comes (or barging through) into the coffee shop, Badd could sense his impending migraine would also coming soon. Always takes time too long on ordering things because Garou just want to talk with this cutie barista, and trying to get his phone number lmao!

Imagine Garou entering Badd's coffee shop, dressing either like suspicious shady guy, lonely punk teen, or nerdy but Cool™ boy. But I love to imagine Garou usually go with Nerdy Look with an adorable beanie hat and reading glasses, totally different with his appearance when he's on job.

Badd secretly loving Garou's presence (minus the bastard attitude), especially when he was calm and immersed on whatever he was doing, like enjoying Badd's coffee, reading books, working on some work-related documents on his laptop, etc. When Garou talking with Badd (no flirting when he's working), Badd always like to listen his voice. The more they know eachother, the more they attracted to eachother. And they ended up having huge crush and mutual pining, before finally dating!

Badd was honestly surprised when he learned about Garou's other persona as celebrity after Zenko told him or showing some magazine article about Garou, lol! Badd getting his mind blown: "I'M DATING A CELEBRITY???"

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#5 : "The childhood friends, where one of them kills someone to protect the other, and they must take that secret to their grave."

This is like the Childhood Batarou AU but gets a dark twist. Usually we have kid Badd protecting a bullied kid Garou from Tacchan and the mean kids, maybe as far hurting Tacchan in the process at the max but I couldn't see kid Badd killing anyone, since he's too precious.. 😣💦

But if we seriously get on the dark version of it, maybe kid Badd killed kid Garou's abusive dad? Then they buried the body on the backyard, and since they both lived on some desolate village/suburban area, nobody know the event? Then they keep their darkest secret to their grave. Badd didn't regret on dirtied his own hands by blood, as long as he can protect Garou and nobody would hurting him anymore.

Is this too dark? 😅 I'm so sorry, let's just stick to the pure Childhood Friends with Tiny Hero Badd! 👏😤

This is what I have about Childhood Hero Badd AU headcanon: https://hiro-gari.tumblr.com/post/645500921001000960/

Which is it also have been made as a super heartwarming and fluffy story by @hiro-gari with a title “Charmed” in here (plz check it out guys!): archiveofourown.org/works/30301986

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#6 : "The fugitive witch running from false accusation of crime, and the tired, magic-skeptic scientist now hiding their friend fron the law."

THIS IS EXACTLY THE UNIVERSAL HEADCANON BATAROU WE HAVE IN THE FANDOM, LMAOOO!! 😂😂😂

Fugitive Garou hiding from Hero Association in Badd's house because they believed Garou is a high-class criminal and a monster who must be punished severely, denying the fact that Garou hasn't killed anyone or even hurting innocent civillians. And Badd is one of very few people who trust Garou and Tareo's confession, so Garou ended up trusting him back by GOING INTO HIS HOUSE FOR PROTECTION, lol! 😆

Now Badd has a stray feral, now tamed, puppy wolf in his home. And harbouring the currently fugitive wanted man could endanger his job, his family, and also Garou himself. That's a tiring daily task to keep people from discovering the truth. But Badd be like, "Fuck the consequences, I wont let anyone hurt Garou anymore" 😠

But if we give it a twist to be more about a Magical AU, maybe Garou is a very chaotic but kindhearted wizard who loves to help bullied kids, poor people, and underdog people in his village. But someone who hates him spreading the false rumours about Garou and getting a mass to hunt him down.

It made Garou furious and he unleashed his anger by his powerful magic that caused the people getting hurt, but nobody died. Kinda regretting his action because it means Garou couldn't stay any longer in his birthplace village, he fled to downtown area in the crowded city far away from his home. But not forgetting to give protection charm for every single person in his village for as a farewell gift, and casted a longstanding protection spell around the village area to repel any bad-intentioned people from entering it.

Then after being a fugitive wizard who looks more like a lone hobo wolf, Garou was wandering around the city without any fixed destination. In the moment of loneliness and desperation, he found someone kind enough to help him (it was Badd) by giving warm food (it was Badd's takeaway fastfood dinner he just bought on the way home after work).

Thus without Badd knowing, Garou following him until they reaching Badd's house (Garou casted a spell to make himself invisible). Imagine Badd was alerted in the middle of night when suddenly there's a suspicious sounds from his kitchen, and Tama was meowing like crazy which is never happened unless there's some stranger intruding his house. When he comes downstairs, he found out there's an invisible force TAKING HIS FOOD FROM THE FRIDGE!

Badd was freaking out and grabbing his metal bat to bonk anything behind that invisible force, but failed because he was disarmed by that force. Then Garou revealed himself that he's a fugitive wizard, asking for a help for a temporary hideout. Badd, who never believed in magic (Zenko is), was baffled at Garou's claim until Garou showed himself what he capable of. Which got Badd awestrucked, and maybe charmed by Garou's awesomeness.

Then their daily life is basically similar like what we have as the universal headcanon, just with a sprinkle of magic 🔮✨

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#7 : "WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS, NO BRAIN."

This can be applied to any Batarou headcanon, either canon divergents or AUs! Even also for them in platonic friendship Shitty Teen Squad, yeah especially this! 😆

They're complementing eachother and definitely would share 1 braincell, in which frustated Genos to no end because it seems he's the one who could make the braincell functional enough make them behave well, lol. But despite all of that, Garou and Badd are a pair of loveable dumbasses ��👍💖

-----------------------

You would immediately know which dynamics I hyperfixated on, hehe 😜

Yeah personally when I saw the list, I think the ship dynamics #3 and #6 have the freshly good potential for Batarou AU stories! That's why I made them like that. Plz someone make it into more coherent story I'm incapable to write them decently enough I will pass the baton to you aaaa-- 👀😫💦

Honorable mention for dynamic #2 because it's a personal favorite (Demon Garou is Perfection™ 😈✨), and also that the hc means so much to me.. 😌

That's all I have to say about Batarou ship dynamic based on the post, hopefully it could entertain you today! 😚👌💕

Thanks alot for: @hiro-gari, @the-goddessfighter, @kaincuro, @garous-nipple, @jusqu-une-etudiante, @guby1620, @lovelybutnot-ablankcanvas, and @krystalseijuro, also all of Batarou shippers in the fandom! Thank you for always giving me encouragement to keep making more silly contents of Batarou, I really appreciate you all! 😭🙏💕💞💖💝

Hope you have a great day~ 😎👍🌸🌼🌻🌷💐

-Little1993lamb-

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~Lilia:

UM I saw the link and went “no way” because I literally saw that post not two days ago and was thinking about how the first and last ones suited these Boys very well.. BUT also I was like yk who would be able to come up with a brilliant scenario for any one of these??? the emoji anon of course... And, here you are, and you have done just that, and I’m SHOOK like AHHH how’d you know I needed this??

For the first one, I hadn’t even considered feral Badd 😳 I agree it’d be very frightening, since he’s a tough guy but still generally a sweetheart, when he snaps he probably s n a p s and no one is safe

Omg, Demon Garou.. 🤤 *head suddenly empty* Nothing more to say there 😂 But I love clumsy sweetheart Badd ghhhhhsk, I read Dangerous Illusions some time ago and absolutely adored it, I hadn’t seen your original post though, thank you so much for sharing it!! 😩👌

BARISTA BADD yaaas 👏 Especially him doing it for Zenko’s tuition awwe 🥺 he’s totally clueless as to who that nerdy bastard is, I love it!

Ooo the fifth one tho... Reminds me of the flashback scene in AoT where they just... stab the human traffickers 😳 Though I could see it actually, especially if Badd felt Garou’s life was genuinely in danger, and the situation called for someone to intervene immediately 😢 Gave me the feels wahhh

Magical wizard Garou?? All of my yes?? *heart eyes mf* I can just imagine Garou’s troublemaking increasing tenfold with the addition of magic he’d be a top tier prankster, Fred and George meet Garou and Badd especially if he can make himself invisible 😂 dude that fridge EMPTY! I LOVE THIS SM 💖

Ah yes, the last one :”) “two halves of a whole idiot” and annoying the shit out of poor Genos 😂 One of my fave tropes for them for sure!!

Thank you sm for doing this anon!! Your raw creativity never ceases to amaze me 💕💗 THIS IS A BLESSING 🥰 I hope you have a wonderful day too!

#fr tho...#are you hiding your psychic abilities 👀#I’m literally so happy to see this you have no idea #hopefully I can finish some of the shit I’m working on soon #bc I’m about to fall head over heels for wizard garou lmfao #sorry I am such a slow writer 😩#ilysm #😚#batarou #garou #metal bat #opm #headcanons #ship dynamics #submission

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jay-and-dean · 5 years ago

Text

Same 3/4 Same names

By Roonyxx and Jay-and-dean

Pairings : AU Dean x reader, Dean x reader

Summary : Two Deans… What could go wrong ?

Serie Warnings : Smut, Angst, hurt (and jealous) Dean, hurt AU Dean, hurt reader… hurt everyone. Swearing, Alcohol. (15.13 kinda spoilers ?)

Wordcount : 3.3k

Note : This is a collaboration beetween both of us. We can’t both edit the same post, so we decided we would post 1 chapter/2 each. So if you want to read chapter 4, it will be edited on @roonyxx ‘s blog… TOMORROW.

We both worked as much on this story and it’s the result of both our brains but also both our hearts.

Please, if you want to show love for this story, don’t forget we were together in this.

Part 1 : Same eyes

Part 2 : Different hearts

Roonyxx Masterlist

Jay’s Masterlist

_________________________________

3. Same names

Y/n was curled up on one of Dean’s comfy armchairs, holding her knees against herself, warming her hands around her cup of coffee. And she was just doing nothing.

At least she looked like she was doing nothing, because in her head, she was listing her faults. One by one, hurting herself with everything she could have done better, differently or not have done at all.

She had spent nights crying over the man she loved, as he was out with some girl named Lucy or Vicky or anything, was it that bad to finally find some comfort in a man’s arms ?

Yes it was. Because that was not any man she slept with.

And as using her best friend’s double to satisfy her needs was not enough, she had hurt another Dean too. She could remember his face clearly, his voice when he said he loved her, and she was starting to understand why he knew her body even better than she did herself. How he kissed her and touched her… And thinking he knew everything about her made her shiver.

“Can I come in ?” Dean’s voice echoed softly and she jumped a little.

She was so far in her thoughts that it took a second for her to come back and turn her tired eyes on him.

His tall shape in the door frame was one of the thing she always loved the most, seeing him come to her, to say goodnight, to ask her if the researches were giving something, to offer something to eat… Whatever the reason was, everytime he appeared at the door like this, it was like the sun was coming through the clouds.

She was far from knowing how nervous it always made him. After all these years, he was still wondering if he would bother her, if she needed space or to be alone for a while ; if she was tired of the boorish men she lived with sometimes. He had never had a woman at home before (Lisa was different, it was her house, it was her life, and the whole situation couldn’t be compared), and a woman he loved like that...

He was wrong. He was wrong each time he thought she would rather him not showing up, he was wrong each time he persuaded himself that she was better without him… But he didn’t know she was just waiting for him most of the time, and so he was nervous.

That precise moment was way worse though. He was terrified.

Terrified of his own feelings, of what he would find on her, a new hickey, a scratch mark… Because everything that reminded him that his other him had had her was like a stab in the guts. And he will see the mark of his elbow on her face. Hurting her was his worst nightmare. He was also terrified of what she was going to say; of what he was thinking so loud but never wanted to let it slip.

Don’t push her away, his alternate version had said. Do not let our own self wallowing bullshit stop from being with her. But Dean didn’t think of this as self wallowing, just truth, he wasn’t ready to understand how much she needed him yet. So he kept thinking he needed to be a better friend to her, apologize for his drunk behavior and hitting her accidentally. But not once he came close to convincing himself he should try to change their relationship to something romantic.

He was damaged and all, dangerous and cursed. That’s how Dean Winchester pictured himself.

“This room is yours” she shrugged. “I can leave if you want.”

“Leave ? No !” he shook his head, coming in hesitantly. “I wanted to apologize.”

“Dean…” she started, not feeling like she deserved any apology.

But he came closer, sat on the edge of the other chair, turned to her, and didn’t let her speak.

“No, really. I… I acted like a dick” he looked down at his open palms. “I drank too much and… my behavior was…” he rubbed his face. “I was really rude and… hurtful. And I punched you.”

“You didn’t punch me, I came too close to your elbow” she smiled softly, trying to ease his obvious guilt.

“No” he grunted. “I was being violent and I was drunk… There’s no excuse for that.”

She tightened her grip around her coffee mug, what was her excuse ?

“You were hurt” she stated, hoping he would somehow explain why he was that hurt.

“Yeah well, no reason to make you go through all this.”

The second he said he was indeed hurt, her heart sank a little lower in her belly. She knew it, just, hearing him admit she had caused him pain was barely bearable to her.

She bit her cheek and nodded, not finding her next words.

“I… I shouldn’t have talked to you like this, drank like an idiot and leave you and Sam with strangers” he continued. “And I shouldn’t have fought with him… especially if… you like him.”

“Like him ?” she half strangled on her coffee sip. “Dean… I think you misunderstood. We…”

The word we felt like a stab in Dean’s chest but he didn’t move a muscle, patiently waiting for her to break his heart.

“We had both our reasons to… get intimate” she said with shame. “But that was one time, I’m not the woman he wants, and I don’t want more with him.”

“Sam is making them IDs and a giving them a credit card. They will leave, are you… disappointed ?” he dared asking though his teeth.

“No” she said sincerely, but the pain she felt for him since she knew his loss gave a sad tone to her answer. “I…” she started, her breath short in her lungs crushed with shame and guilt. “I would have gone crazy if you… or Sam… had slept with someone looking exactly like me. It’s your body. It’s…” she swallowed the tears, looking in the bottom of her mug. “It’s your intimacy.”

He sighed. She was right, he hates that, but not for the intimacy reasons... At least it was really not what was hurting that much.

“It’s not that” he mumbled sincerely.

But when she lifted her wet eyes on him to encourage him to say more, he became silent again and she knew she could wait a lifetime, he would just not say another word about that.

“I’m so confused” she admitted.

“I’m sorry.”

“Do you know… His girlfriend…” she started and he moved a little on his seat.

“That he was engaged to… the you from his world ? Yeah… Sam told me.”

“I’m so selfish” she slightly whined, playing with her mug. “He was so hurt Dean… If you had seen his eyes, he’s broken and…”

“And I punched him in the face…” he whispered, feeling actually bad for hurting the other him for the first time. “He… He talked a little to me. He is really…”

He couldn’t finish his sentence. In love ? That was too painful to say.

“I get why he did it…” he sighed. “It was kinda selfish of him, but why would you call yourself selfish ?”

She looked down, she couldn’t just tell him she had jumped on his double because she couldn’t resist an occasion to feel him, his lips on hers, his hands on her skin... to fulfil her deepest desires.

“He had… Something I wanted” she looked down, that sounded even worse.

“Oh ?“ he raised his eyebrows, having no idea what she was talking about.

Maybe she had a physical need, a kinky desire ? Maybe she just needed tenderness or to feel desired and beautiful… Dean couldn’t deny that his alternate him was good at making her feel special.

“But it wasn’t… real” she sighed.

Of course it was very real, but the fleeting illusion of having her Dean was not. Because love is not about having and the body is just a part of it anyway ; the other Dean looked like him, but he never lived what Dean lived, what made him, and they didn’t have that history she had with the man looking at her. They never sneaked out of the motel room to the pool at night together, he never cried the loss of his father in her arms after he had to crush that damn pearl.... But as he couldn’t know all those thoughts in her mind, he grew more confused.

“Dean I…” she caught his attention, tears fighting her voice. “I’m really sorry I… feel like crap.”

I feel like crap. That was the kind of things you only said to your closest friends, because it was different from I screwed up or I regret. I feel like crap, was either a confession of self-hate or a call for help.

Y/n and Dean had a relationship where this thing could be said, he already did, and now was her turn…

“You know, I really over reacted, Y/n, please don’t feel bad because I can’t handle some... things in me” he avoided the word feeling, but put a hand on her knee.

“It’s not you, Dean, really. I c-can’t get rid of the idea that I abused your intimacy…”

He frowned. Intimacy was a complicated concept for him. Since possession and Hell, since Michael, the integrity of his body -a body that had been cut, burned, shattered, boiled, skinned, stabbed… a body that had been used to kill, torture, threaten…- had never really been respected, and the fact that, without even touching him, she felt that bad for that, made him love her more.

She had always been the only one trying to figure out how he could live the horrors going on, how he could feel, asking the right questions, even if he rarely answered them…

“You abused nothing” he cut her. “That’s how messed up our world is, if I had a twin brother, this idea wouldn’t even come to your mind.”

That was different because in her head she knew that she had undressed the other Dean to see him.

“I shouldn’t have asked him to kiss me” she continued and Dean’s stomach contracted. “If I had knew what it meant for him, how painful…”

“He’s a grown up” Dean stated. “He makes his own choices, and to be honest, I still think he kinda used you.”

“No Dean…” she sighed.

She had understood the other Dean. Paradoxically, it was in their own selfish use of one another that they had found each other, and a bond made of respect and empathy had grown between them. But she couldn’t explain that… To anyone.

Sam appeared at the door with a sigh. His eyes laid on Dean’s hand on her thigh and it warmed him.

“Everything is ready” he stated and stayed in the door frame for a second, waiting for an answer.

As Y/n didn’t talk, her eyes back on her coffee mug, Dean gave his brother one of these looks that meant a lot of things. This one was saying “It’s complicated but, we will be here in a moment, just give her a minute.” Sam, of course, understood what his brother told him without a word and left.

“I think we should say goodbye” Dean murmured with a heartache, still hating that she looked so sad when it came to his other self.

His hand on her thigh gave a little squeeze and she dared touching his hand for a second, her index finger gently rubbing a freckle here.

“Yes” she just stated.

She got up, still clinging to the cup in her hands like it could hold her back. Dean followed her silently as she walked to the library, he could see she was a little tense.

The Sams and alternate universe Dean were in the war room, bags on the table, standing a little awkwardly. Y/n looked at them, their tall frames and charisma invading the room. Sam and his double were facing each other and even Dean looked small next to those giant men. And Dean wasn’t a short man, far from it.

They were talking about Hunter Corp, alternate universe John Winchester’s operation. Sam seemed to want to know everything about it, and until the last minute with them, he would keep asking questions about how people dealt with knowing the truth, how financers worked, how hunting was organized. He needed to know if such an operation was making a true difference. But in the end, Y/n thought, their world had disappeared and not this one.

She didn’t dare walking to that other Dean right away, staying a few feet away.

His hair were back to being brushed flat on his head, giving him a cute nice-guy look, he was wearing his white shirt and sand coat again, those bracelets she really liked at his wrist. And when he saw her, a soft smile appeared on his face.

This little move of his lips was a sign of their new complicity, it was sincerely friendly, and in the same time filled by the emotions of seeing the face of the woman he loved, and that’s how she understood it.

But her Dean didn’t, a burning jealousy still squeezing his heart. He reached to her from behind and flattened his palm on her lower back softly, just to remind her he was still here.

She turned to him for a second, searching his green eyes, and noticing that scar on his chin that the other, fancier Dean didn’t have. She loved this scar, she loved every scars on his body and on his heart, even if she would give her life for him to get more.

“Thank you” she told him earning a light smile.

She was thanking him for being him, and he thought she did for supporting him.

Then she walked to the other men in the room, letting her fingers graze the familiar map-table.

“It was a pleasure meeting another Y/n, a really nice one” said man-bun Sam with an unreadable look.

Y/n couldn’t help but glimpse at Sam, her own regular friend Sam before she answered, like it could help her keeping her mind clear. And, as usual, it did. The smart compassionate light in his hazel pupils eased her still half-panicked half-confused brain and she could answer.

“It was really nice meeting you too. Where are you going ?”

“Brazil” alternate Sam nodded. “But we still have to find a way to fix our world, and without our trained hunters and equipment, if it is even possible.”

“I really hope it is” she bit her lip, doubting it was like everyone did, but wasn’t it the essence of a Winchester to try the impossible ?

“Did Sam gave you phones ?” she asked and her friend nodded. “If you need me to help with research or anything…”

Both tall hazel eyed hunter looked down for a second in a creepily synchronized expression of light embarrassment.

“I think…” Man-bun Sam said with that smile that only he mastered, that very polite and soft, but also very slightly irritated smile of his. “I think it’s better if we don’t stay too much in touch, Y/n, Sam...” he posed, evidently disturbed by the use of his own name. “Gave us names and tips, we will do just fine. My… brother needs to move on.” He ended a little lower.

She bit the inside of her cheek and sighed.

“Of course” she stated with all the dignity she could find in herself, even if she felt accused, unable to distinguish her own feeling of guilt from what the man was actually insinuating.

But his next words warmed her heart a little.

“Thank you for being so understanding. You really are, in any universe, someone noble despite what dad used to claim.”

For a second, there was a hesitation, alternate universe Sam moved his arms, like he wanted to hug her, just like Sam always did, and like this Sam probably used to do. He had lost her too, and if she was this important to Dean… she must have been really important to his brother too.

But he didn’t hug her, and just put a hand on her arm kindly.

His brother, however, he hugged her the second she walked to him, wrapping his suede covered arms around her.

“You stay cautious, Love” he said letting go when his double’s eyes darken. “Especially with demons…”

“I know…” she said sadly. “I will.”

“Y/n…” he let out in a sigh, taking a few steps back, taking her with him.

He didn’t took her to another room, and she would probably not have followed him anyway, but just a few feet away, so that his whispers wouldn’t be heard if he kept them low.

“Did you talk to him ?” he murmured, searching her face.

“I… Listen…” she tried but he let out a sigh.

“You listen, his feelings seem to be an issue for him, at least talking about it, even to himself” he whispered, getting a little closer to be discreet. “But you have to talk to him, believe me.”

“Dean…” saying that, she looked back to see the man they were talking about. “You and your Y/n, it’s not Dean and me, he doesn’t…”

“He doesn’t what ?” he cut her, shaking his head a little in disapproval. “You… You’re a lot like him actually.”

She lifted her eyes to dive in his, her face stern, she didn’t know what that meant, but be like the man she admired the most could only be a good thing.

“He needs you” he insisted a little louder and she hushed him.

“He doesn’t, you don’t know him.”

“Don’t I ?” asked.

This question was confusing, who did understand Dean better ? Someone who knew everything he had been through, or someone that didn’t but was… She frowned and cleared her throat. She needed to change the subject. Make things right as much as she could, forget about all this to get back to be the best friend possible.

“I’m sorry” she stated. “I feel like I have made things a lot worse, salt on the wound.”

“You didn’t. You’re not allowed to feel bad about it, okay ?” he took her hand, not noticing that this world Dean was looking at them, clenching his jaw, frustrated that he couldn’t hear them. “You gave me closure and I am just grateful. I will be okay…”

She smiled weakly at him and nodded.

“Dean” his brother rushed him a little, already holding his bag.

“Yes…”

She turned and gave the men waiting a shy smile, ready to join them, but he walked in front of her, looked at her in the eyes and bent to hug her once more, not letting go so quickly this time. As she hugged back, she looked above his shoulder to Dean watching them.

“Y/n and I were not just engaged” he murmured in her ears, making her shiver. She kept her eyes on the man she loved, he was staring back with his hands in his pockets. “We were… are soulmates. It’s not a way of speaking, Fate told us, Cupid confirmed.”

Her pupils dilated and Dean noticed it.

The man holding her finally let go.

“Goodbye Y/n” he smiled and reached her face to wipe a tear she hadn’t even noticed.

“Goodbye Dean.”

And he left, they left. Escorted by her Dean, they took the metal stairs as she stayed frozen playing his words again and again in her head.

Part 4 will be edited (tomorrow) in @roonyxx‘s blog

________________________

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