#And that doesn't scare me anymore? The cult was so.... Had me thinking that any time that game was brought up they were in control of it

[abyssalpriest]

Working with Leviathan be like

Leviathan: *completely both rewrites a severe trauma trigger back into something neutral and freeing, and further reconnects me to the Sky and myself off plane and pre-incarnation in the space of 24 hours* yeah nice, anyway we should play video games now I'm tired

[oneslimybastard]

Ghetsis facts:

>At least two grunts are scared of him (musharna being able to spook them off with visions of being scolded by Ghetsis)

>His speeches does in fact convince some people to release their pokémon or at least second-guess their view on the trainer-pokémon relationship

>Tells the grunts to give Bianca's Munna back

>Persuasive enough to essentially wiggle some of his Guys out of arrest in Driftveil, even if Clay does it reluctantly

>Knows Reshiram and Zekrom would not fuck with him so he picks up a miracle child from the forest to do it for him instead. Raises said child kind of like his own but also kind of not, there's a deliberate distance put between them

>Did make this wonderchild who can speak to pokémon and are clearly very empathetic towards them hang out with pokémon who had been mistreated for the purpose of instilling an ideology in him.

>Randomly has 3 ninjas who are just ride or die until the end of time for some reason

>Lots of team plasma is ride or die for him actually, otherwise Neo Team Plasma wouldn't have been a thing

>He rubs the death of Alder's partner pokémon in the mans face. All cheeky beaky like. Because he can.

>He will tell the teenager his Adopted I Swear Not Related Promise son is fixated on as a rival all about how he basically groomed say son into doing all of this dragon bullshit while having them cornered on a bridge. Then just casually walks off. His ninjas are there too.

>Will also happily tell said teenager they probably aren't that special or chosen or whatever, lol lmao, seems like ur dragon haven't woken up yet, dw maybe it will, lol.

>Cannot take an L to save his fucking life. Will lash out at everything and everyone around him and build a stupid airship with a stupid laser powered by the crinkly old grandpa of the dragon trio and do a terrorism before taking an L

>Refers to himself as being PERFECT while inhaling massive amounts of copium

>Needs a cane in bw2 and is only ever seen using one of his hands, so probably physically disabled to some degree

>Strong enough to jam the butt of that cane into the solid frozen earth of a cave. Probably just kind of a visual metaphor for him being threatening but also Hear Me Out What If He's Fucking Built-

>N is ride or die for him enough to still try and get through to him during the bw2 climax despite having been utilized as a silly little pawn yet again. This does not work, because as previously mentioned, man just cannot take that L

>When faced with literally no other option but to take an L, he passes out. His ninja squad punctuates this with him probably not being a threat anymore.

Ghetsis interpertation:

I think all of these things weave together into just a very fascinating person when you look at them a little deeper. Someone who's clearly charismatic enough to acquire that much loyalty, love, and fear — but also not equipped to handle the shame of failure in the god damn slightest. When threatened he devolves from a calculated cult leader above it all to a snarling animal fighting for its life, because he's probably rotted away behind a mask of perfectionism for years rather than done any significant growth as a person. He's clearly intelligent, probably highly emotionally intelligent because if he wasn't he wouldn't be able to pull this shit, but all of that shatters and breaks and splinters with one (1) crucial failure. He tries to recuperate but can't, the survival instinct is breathing down his neck because to him the shame of being a human like the rest of them rather than the perfect ideal he's been forging is scarier than anything that could actually physically kill him. He blames N, he blames MC, Colress, just about anyone and anything that doesn't end up pointing back to his own shortcomings.

And still! N probably loves him! And it's probably genuine! He wants to connect with him and breach that gap and give him ibuprofen because even if he's shown himself to be cringe, that's still his father, which is something he values enough to try and hold on to. And the ninja guys remain ride or die, so there's clearly something to him other than schemes and trickery, something genuine and beautiful that might not in practice be worth fighting for but it sure feels like it.

A beautiful man who's warped himself into a demon because he couldn't stand his own humanity because he's probably autistic and traumatized from his undefined childhood, and when he's beat down, rather than taking that L at long last, he'll curl up in his little cage, continue to snarl and tell himself over and over that this is what he is. What he will always be. He couldn't become god so he resigns to dying a devil. Because even still, that is preferable to him over taking that L, admitting to himself he is just a little guy like other little guys with problems he couldn't cope with, and that it caused hurt and destruction.

Devils don't feel regret or shame, humans do. And he'd have a loooot of that to chug through if he decided to face it. So he won't.

which is just very sexy and milfy and babygirl of him i think. this is my "why ghetsis is like so sexy actually" manifesto, without even tapping into the juice that is him going "nuh-uh" over his own dang disabilities but that too ties into how he can't cope with his own imperfect humanity so u know. Also that he's just kinda sassy and petty. Amazing. 10/10 best written character not in the games but in my brain.

[lammydraws]

Modern Genderbend AU but they're twitch streamers

sO yea i had some fun talking to friends last night :'D and i may or may not have made another AU hsafkjhdskja

Inspired by Kat's Post I suggested that modern Femrinder should be a Twitch streamer XD But she'd be one of those who'd be one of those toxic gamers in multiplayer shooting games and shit. She'd call you homophobic slurs while kissing her girlfriend :'D

Lamb on the other hand would be an absolute sunshine, having this whole lo-fi chill aesthetic going and streaming relaxing games or just chatting while doing arts and crafts :')

they're gay and in love hdfkjhfdkjhdfj

Some other random ideas I did not draw:

They should have a minecraft world together. Not more to say to that really.

They should do this thing where they make their partner play one of their games, like one of these the partner usually never plays. Like Narinder trying to teach Bella how to play Counter Strike or Fortnite :'D Meanwhile Lamb sits her down with Stardew Valley and gets distraught that Narinder tries to kill the chicken.

On the other hand, Narinder will make Bella play a Horror game expecting her to be terrified and cling to Narinder but instead Bella is not even phased by the gore and scares at all. Like, scary monster appears on screen and Bella just goes "Oh hello there friend!" while Narinder thinks back how she shit her pants the first time she saw this monster :')

They should play Cult of the Lamb. Lambception.

Narinder gets cancelled online at least three times a week and doesn't even make any apologies anymore because she cannot keep up with whatever it is this week.

Narinder's streams are usually her insulting others and her followers, like, that's what you come here for. Bella on the other hand speaks so kindly and sweet to her followers as if they're her friends.

Narinder will tell people to subscribe to her onlyfans but if you go there it's just a picture of her judging you. 20 bucks well spent.

Narinder is always pushing the ToS of Twitch. I mean. Look at her.

That's it thats the whole idea. I hope nobody ever asks me for lore or other characters because I actually do not know shits about twitch, or streaming, or games :'D /lhj

[justanothersyscourse]

oh hi it’s -flower anon

I mostly was sending the asks in since I have moral OCD and the uncertainty and genuine horrible things I’ve seen very much conflict.

I’m only anti-endo due to the very, very cultish nature of a lot of it and have fallen for too many cults already.

(I was groomed into a online cannibalism gore cult at a very young age and still deal deal with the consequences of that, fell for way too many death cults, and almost was lost to way too many other hateful things)

so when the Moral OCD kicks in I trust it, it’s only lead me out of these bad situations.

I know my opinions are probably very uncommon, but too many cults and cultish mindsets I’ve fell for.

honest to god, I was at one point ready to kill myself because I thought overpopulation was real And those accelerationists got to me.

so for wholehearted honesty it’s too much for me, personally I believe fully in cultural and spiritual multiplicity.

But most endo/tulpa/willo spaces aren’t that, and that uncertainty of if- “is this person saying that ‘hey this is just a cultural and spiritual thing’ or is this person not any of those what are they I don’t wanna get into a covert cult again”

but as the current state of endo/willo/Tulsa spaces are, it’s so so cultish that it’s triggering me.

Everything sets off so many alarms in my brain that I trained myself to recognize,

so that’s why I was worrying and asking about it.

you’d too if you had fallen for so many dangerous cult stuff.

Too many death cults man, too many online death cults.

Hi flower ❤️ I hope you're doing okay. I've been sitting on this draft, debating if what I have to say would be helpful or damaging.

You came back, though, so I feel that I need to respond in some way... I'm going to be honest, I'm scared to make this post, this is a very polarized topic in the system community. But... maybe what I say can help someone.

I hope you'll read through to the end. No matter what, whether you disagree with me or not, I genuinely hope you're okay and that things get a bit easier for you. It probably doesn't help, but I know what you're feeling.

I have bad OCD myself. I'm lucky in that I don't struggle with that specific type anymore, but I feel for you 🫂

I'm also very sorry to hear about what you've been through ):

Before I talk, know that this response isn't to change your mind. My only goal is to try to help settle some of that stress.

I want you to feel less stressed by this entire thing. It's okay.

When I was still very heavily anti endo, I felt the exact same way. I'm not just saying that. I also run sysmedsaresexist, and I'm pretty sure I have posts calling the pro endo community "cult-ish" in nature. I probably did it a number of times. You're not alone in that view. I was worried that doctors were going to fall for it, that innocent people were getting dragged into believing they were systems, all of it. Been there, done that.

However, as I slowly moved from anti to critical, I realized BOTH sides display the EXACT same behaviors. The antis were just as bad, once I stepped back to look at it.

To the point that if you put the posts next to each other with identifying characteristics hidden, it could come from, and be about either side. Here's an example.

Either both sides are a cult, or cult is not an appropriate word to be using for syscourse.

It's the latter, I've learned over the years.

And once I got over myself and actually spoke with endo systems... I swear to you, I promise you, with every fiber of my being, that most of what you hear is fear mongering.

Most.

But the same can be said about anti endos. Endos are terrified of antis, but that's because they only hear other endos talking about their HORRIBLE experiences with antis. Some of it is true, most of it isn't, most is... more than a little bit exaggerated.

It just is. Endos think you, specifically you, flower anon, send death threats.

Do you? I'm willing to bet not, but you're lumped into that group whether you like it or not, whether it's true or not.

While syscourse can feel TERRIFYING, like life versus death (trust me, I know), I promise it's actually okay.

It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay.

The medical community is going to be okay. Your resources will be okay. The endos will be okay. The antis will be okay.

I am still actively involved in clinical circles, and I promise you, doctors know the difference between CDDs and plurality. Doctors ARE talking about endogenic systems, but try to give them a bit more credit.

Did you know that the multiple theory of self is as old as the ToSD? But it's a concept based in philosophy and the discussion of consciousness. These are two totally different things that are both valid. The issue is overlapping language. But if we're mad about "system" being shared, why aren't we more mad at IFS? Does "computer system" dehumanize CDD systems, too? That's dumb. No it doesn't.

Radqueers exist in every single community, and so do people who don't like radqueers. For every radqueer endo, there's another endo squinting hard at that and complaining to their friends. There are radqueer DID systems. They exist. It happens. It's like saying lesbians are bad because there's radfems and radqueers in that community, too. The intersection of multiplicity, sexuality and gender is VERY confusing, with more moving parts than you can count. Obviously there are going to be people with very wide and very narrow views about it.

(That said, I don't bother with radqueer stuff very much, I have NEVER participated in that discourse because I don't feel that I understand the nuance of it enough to have a fully informed view of it.

Wouldn't it be nice if more people could acknowledge that they don't understand things enough?

Anti endos, I'm looking at you)

Your ability to see cult tactics in things is something that has protected you, but that doesn't make it healthy. Do not try to overcome or change that part of you without the help of a specialist. That's not what I'm saying.

Seeing the world as dangerous, and signs of danger in the world, is what protects everyone, but for trauma affected people, this ability is broken. It's hyperactive. That's something that we all approach in therapy, eventually. You don't need to change right now, but one day you'll want to be able to see the good in things, and that takes so much more practice and guidance than you could imagine.

An easy way to start, though, is empathy and introspection-- not just into your self, but into your community. To recognize the double standards and be able to critically put aside those fears and concerns without someone else making the decision for you.

I can tell you that isolation is a major tactic used by cults, and it's the antis telling you to do that, isn't it? They say, don't even hear the other side out, I'll tell you what they're saying, and you can just believe me.

Isn't that what @number1-syscourse-blog was telling you to do? And it's only the pro side saying you can be friends with BOTH sides-- not just other pro endos, but telling you that it's okay to be friends with antis and pros. That it's healthy and good to surround yourself with differing opinions and form your own conclusions. I don't know if you can see the number of people telling number1 syscourse what a bad response that was. Not just me, SO MANY PEOPLE! They're all blocked and hidden now.

Because the full picture is a beautiful thing.

Making your own choices and drawing your own conclusions is a powerful thing.

And the picture is not as ugly or scary as number1 syscourse would have you believe.

My suggestion to you is to just... not talk syscourse with your friends. Just be friends. Talk about the dumbest shit and remember that you're both just human, trying to understand the world around you.

For fun, and to settle minds, let's go through, just to drive the point home. It's going under a cut, just in case, but be aware, I'm critically tearing apart both sides for being ridiculous.

Pros and antis, cult edition

Characteristics of a cult:

Absolute authoritarianism without accountability

Now, neither side has a leader, so to speak, but we can talk about how members of each community can say whatever they want without any accountability. We have people on both sides wishing death on the other, and no one is stepping in to say, "yo, wtf?" No, those posts are instead spread further by people reblogging their friends, because 🌈 brand loyalty 🌈 rather than any kind of critical thought.

Yes, both sides do this. No, that's not up for debate. It's happening. If you think it's not, you're either being willfully blind, or you've fallen into the isolation trap.

DNIs aren't shields against shitty behavior, just like free speech doesn't allow for hate speech, but people sure do love hiding behind DNIs. Like, they'll post a GOOD ask, with great points, and respond with a womp womp, can't you read my DNI, and it's like... maybe you should have read more than the first line, my dude. Free publicity for the other sides' ideals, because you literally can't be bothered to read anything.

Honesty, I think the block feature is the downfall of humanity. There are anti endo blogs posting misinformation on DID that can't be corrected because they've blocked everyone that knows more than them. I've tried to correct a lot of them, I'm blocked.

It's an echo chamber, much like how you view pro endo spaces.

Zero tolerance for criticism or questions

Come on, do I actually need to talk about this? See the DNI point again. Good asks with good points with a nonsense response because, OH GOD, anon dared to have a slightly different belief on something. Endo neutrals, people trying to ask questions and learn, aren't even allowed to interact with most blogs, even just for questions.

Lack of meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget

Another way that "cult" isn't an appropriate term, though we could talk about TPA here. I really, really don't like the TPA.

Unreasonable fears about the outside world that often involve evil conspiracies and persecutions

Hey, pot, meet kettle.

A belief that former followers are always wrong for leaving and there is never a legitimate reason for anyone else to leave

Hey, that's what happened to me when I left the anti side!

Abuse of members

Yeah, they abused me pretty bad for trying to correct misinformation on @antimisinfo's (an anti endo) post. People are constantly being ostracized and kicked out of their community for looking too hard at the other side. God forbid you hear them out, for curiosities sake.

Records, books, articles, or programs documenting the abuses of the leader or group

Not really?

Followers feeling they are never able to be “good enough”

Maybe if you squint?

A belief that the leader is right at all times

Who would the leader be? Science? Because science does support endos, and antis won't read a single word of it.

A belief that the leader is the exclusive means of knowing “truth” or giving validation

Again, if we call science the leader... but again, that only applies to antis.

The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and its members

I can see it, I guess. Mostly out of antis claiming the elite title for trauma.

The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society

Both sides have this problem.

The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems necessary. This may result in members’ participating in behaviors or activities they would have considered reprehensible or unethical before they joined the group

Again, see the point about friends reblogging other friends wishing death on the other side.

The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and/or control members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion. Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.

This would be like saying you're betraying your side for talking to the other side. Huh. Kind of like what happened to you.

Just because the word cult CAN be applied to things doesn't mean it should be. Especially in syscourse, where one side has such a dark history with cult activity, it feels very... inappropriate to call pro/antis in syscourse a cult.

Really, it's just a bunch of people screaming that they're more right than the other side, and using fear mongering to make points that don't actually matter.

[thatdebaterguy]

Usually I would go anon but I am at the point where I don't care what people think anymore. I would rather be honest and have these people off my blog than keep doing it in secret.

Anyways, I was scrolling through a post (because I hate myself). Tumblr wouldn't let me put the link for some reason:

This isn't the whole post, but 2/3 of it. It's about how Israel was "tricking" children into picking up bombs that looked like food cans. Someone corrected this in the comment section.

And in response to the correction (there was more than one person correcting):

This is a massive issue I've seen with that side of the conflict. They don't care if the information they spread is true as long as it fits the narrative of "Palestine = weak, helpless, 100% good and pure victim. Israel: evil, colonists, eats Palestine babies for breakfast." And it's almost scary the lack of critical thinking to make sure everything fits into this mindset.

I once corrected someone's mistranslation on Pinterest of all places, where someone said a Hebrew translation was ""May this (bomb) lands on innocent people". It was just the company name. I was attacked and told I was a "genocidal zionist" and there was my favorite, "well it doesn't matter if it's true or not, it's what they mean".

So basically, "yeah it doesn't matter if it's fake information, it fits with MY beliefs, so it's okay."

I hate the Pro-Palestinian cult.

It is genuinely depressing to see blatant misinformation spread, for example I've been given the link to a site that takes supposed quotes from Israeli officials completely out of context, half the time a complete lie, and told it's some kind of proof Israel is the epitome of moral sin, despite being the most equal state in the middle east. I saw this post and saw another one debunking how the imagine has been altered in a misleading way, just as I saw a post of a server room that's linked to a Hamas database under an UNRWA facility, and someone said it powered a solar panel. Keep in mind they didn't lie for the Palestinian civilians, that was to straight up cover for Hamas.

The screenshot of someone calling Hamas 'freedom fighters' is actually scary.

this is the first thing you see when you search for the ideology of Hamas. Yk the worst part? This would be called zionist propaganda just because it says Hamas have committed terrorism, and October 7th happened. These are literal facts though, Hamas are proud of October 7th, proud of killing thousands, kidnapping hundreds, committing acts of terrorism. If you have any sense of morality, you cannot defend Hamas, even if you see them as on the right side or as freedom fighters, their methods alone make them a monstrous organisation. They wear plain civilian clothes in war, a war crime, they have been verified to use civilian buildings for cover, a war crime, they've killed thousands of innocents purposefully, a war crime, they've openly called for the annexation and occupation of Israel, a sovereign country with millions of ethnic Jews who would be 3rd class citizens in a Hamas ruled Palestine.

Israel doesn't want Gaza. They don't want to destroy it, to own it, they wish they never had to hear about it again, let alone invade it to remove Hamas from power. And the fact that people are scared to voice their beliefs against a literal terror group, against misinformation, is insane. You know, the only reason I'm on Israel's side is because when it comes to debates I follow the science, the figures, the statistics, a fixed code of morality and logic, and that leads to me to Israel because they've never instigated a conflict in their entire history, they've voluntarily surrendered land in pursuit of peace, aided the countries that have invaded them, they're by the definition not committing genocide, they're legally and factually in a war of self defence to topple an extremist dictatorial government, the figures show as far as modern urban warfare goes, the civilian-military death ratio is lower than most conflicts, they factually have a historical claim to the land, they built Tel Aviv, built Jerusalem, 400,000 Jews lived the region of Israel before its existence as a modern state, it just all points to Israel.

But I support the people of Palestine, I empathise with them, I want them to be free of the dictators who lead them to this war and suffering they must endure, and I pray they'll get the liberation they deserve. They deserve better than the nightmare of a government that rule over Gaza. And yet none of the Palestinian supporters protest Hamas. They don't realise, protesting against Hamas doesn't weaken the right for civilians to receive aid, because they're forced into this mindset that the Palestinian government and movement has always been one of perfect ineffable morality and one that you must be insanely villainous to even have any contradicting thoughts on. I'm a more conservative guy who's best friend of 4 years recently told me that they're genderfluid, in a polyamorous relationship with a trans man, and have a 'fursona' but since I know they're a person with good intentions in life I support them in finding happiness and getting better. I'd say that makes me fairly open minded, without tooting my own horn too much. But I will never be open to the idea that Hamas have ever wanted what's best for Palestine. Their actions are selfish, their goals are psychopathic, their behaviour is unwarranted, and their care for being a successful governing body is minimal. Gaza, whether prospering before October 7th or not, was legally an independent, sovereign region of the nation of Palestine, who have their own government, constitution, voting system, currencies they operate with, culture, freedom of movement, unless it's to Israel of course, and have been so since Israel pulled out of Gaza.

Israel actually occupied Gaza once. It was better maintained, the people were more looked after. In the years before Israel pulled out of Gaza, the Palestinian economy grew by the largest margin in at least 20 years, and then under Hamas, became incredibly stagnant, with foreign aid being the only thing propping it up. They let unemployment skyrocket despite the opening of more high tech facilities, once again thanks to foreign aid. Now, Israel doesn't want Gaza back, nor should they have it, but when the people of the nationality that Hamas wish to destroy, governed their land even better despite not even being the sovereign owners of that land and just the occupiers, it says a lot. Don't be afraid to speak out against Hamas, since you have no love for the Palestinian people if you don't want them to be free from the suffering Hamas has brought.

[squeakintothevoid]

Bohemian Rhapsody hits different after you go through an existential identity crisis.

I wanna explain what I think of when I listen to this song. (TW: religious trauma, cptsd, and an overabundance of gifs)

"If you can see it there, darling, then it's there."

-Freddie Mercury

This song is an epic hero's journey of a song that deserves to be overrated. 11/10. Freddie is an artistic genius.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide No escape from reality

So when you grow up in a traumatic situation (I was raised mormon and have complex PTSD) you live in a detached way and learn to never trust yourself. You inevitably get some doubts in the back of your mind about how great and perfect the situation you're raised in actually is, but you don't dare confront these thoughts because that would risk crumbling your sense of security.

But real life comes through and crumbles your foundation anyway like a landslide. You get doubts upon doubts. Oh crap, reality is scary! Santa isn't real! Mormonism sounds a lot like a cult! And I think everyone can relate to realizing that their parents and adults in general are just grown-up kids.

Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy Because I'm easy come, easy go Little high, little low Any way the wind blows Doesn't really matter to me, to me

So you've realized that your security is not a guarantee in life. Now all you can really do is appeal to whatever holds power over you, be it god, your parents, the skies.

"Don't worry guys, I'm no trouble. I'll be good. My feelings don't matter. I'm good with anything you want."

You end up convinced that the people pleasing mask is who you really are. And in this state of being detached from your actual self, you become less capable of feeling much, high or low.

Mama, just killed a man Put a gun against his head Pulled my trigger, now he's dead Mama, life had just begun But now I've gone and thrown it all away Mama, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back again this time tomorrow Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters

But at some point your soul just can't take it anymore, it's been pushed to it's limit. The mask slips, the shelf breaks, the walls come down. You start to realize that your own thoughts and opinions might actually be important. You begin to accept the truth. And when you realize you can no longer be this version of you they want you to be, well, it feels like you've died.

Because your whole identity was built on something that wasn't real. Your world's been turned upside down and now you're terrified of disappointing all those people who you've been so desperately trying to please this whole time. Despite everything, a part of you may even care for them and hope their worldview doesn't get shattered for their own sake. Let them carry on with their ways.

Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine Body's aching all the time Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama, ooh (Any way the wind blows) I don't wanna die I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

Freddie writes like he's walking to his own execution. I felt a similar way when I was taking my last flight out of BYU as a fresh nonbeliever to see my mormon family. My anxiety must've thought I was escaping North Korea or something. Because I really didn't know if I was about to lose everything or not. And that last line was way too relatable, which scared me. I actually avoided this song for years because of it.

I also got physically sick several times that last year at BYU from living the double life. Definitely ached all the time, and still do. The body really does keep the score.

I still remember how I felt when I finally faced the truth by reading the CES letter, subconsciously hoping it would shatter my testimony of the LDS church. It felt like walking straight into hell. Which brings us to...

I see a little silhouetto of a man Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning very, very frightening me (Galileo) Galileo (Galileo) Galileo Galileo Figaro Magnifico-o-o-o-o

...my SPOOKY MORMON HELL DREAM!

Time to feel guilt like no other! Because part of you still isn't entirely convinced you aren't going to hell! Or at least end up homeless from being kicked out and disowned.

So I see this part of the song as demons taunting you. The demons being your own self-hatred and the subliminal or even direct messaging you got from your authority figures. If I were to transcribe what I hear in these lyrics...

Hey look, a shell of a person!

Keep dancing for me, little bitch! (Scaramouche)

I am so scared of getting punished and hurt!

Ha, loser! You little heretic! (Galileo) You think you're so clever (Figaro) and important (Magnifico)!

So the Galileo, Figaro, Magnifico part is name-calling. Which you fall for because you're sense of self only just sprouted out of the sidewalk that is your mind.

I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Still not used to being confident, you attempt to defend yourself, but you're kinda just wallowing in self-pity.

"I swear I don't think I'm better than anyone! I just want to do my own thing! I don't hate the mormon church, I just disagree with it! And you're definitely not the reason I'm in therapy, mom & dad, but I totally understand why you asked! (Aw man, I can't trust my parents at all! I'm hopeless!)"

Wow, real confident.

He's just a poor boy from a poor family Spare him his life from this monstrosity

But the deeper, more real, compassionate, and self-confident part of you knows the truth. It says, okay sure, you are a poor kid. But does any other poor kid deserve to be treated like this? No! Stand up for that kid!

You have to treat this self-assured part of yourself almost as a different sort of being because you don't trust yourself so much. It's not you asserting yourself because that would be selfish of course! So instead, it's god or a little voice or a call that is directing you to be confident. Or it's you being confident but for the sake of a little kid in your exact situation.

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go (Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go (Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go (Let me go!) Will not let you go (Let me go!) Never let you go (Never, never, never, never let me go) Oh oh oh oh No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Because you're not self-assured yet, the self-doubting & self-loathing parts of you war against the self-confident parts that know what's right for you. So you feel like you're doing mental gymnastics. What's wrong and right anymore? Is it really okay to drink coffee? Is it okay to throw out spoiled milk? Do I deserve a raincoat? Might my parents actually be...not gods?

Notice that the high-pitched angel-like voices that were standing up for him transform into his own voice. "Let him go" becomes "let ME go." It's like those parts are integrating into a whole and you're realizing you genuinely think you deserve better.

Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia (Mamma mia, let me go) Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me

You want your parents (mamma mia!) or whoever is holding power over you to just change and accept you so you don't have to stand up to them. But that ain't necessarily happening. You cannot control them. You can't control anything but you. Not having control is scary! You can lose everything!

But with everything lost, you're the only thing left. Just you. But you can still think for yourself, control yourself. For the first time in this search of who you're supposed to be, you realize that you were there all along. And that feels powerful. You might even wanna stand up for yourself.

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? So you think you can love me and leave me to die? Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

Cue permission to be ANGRY. You aren't being fooled anymore, you see what they've done to you. And now that you actually see yourself as valuable, you're not gonna take that shit anymore. "Yes dad, I am an exmormon. Yes, that does convey a sense of animosity. I did buy new shoes for myself so that I don't hurt my feet. And I like drinking tea and watching R-rated movies." I'm such a rebel.

Ooh, ooh yeah, ooh yeah Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters Nothing really matters to me Any way the wind blows

Before, nothing mattered to you because you were only shown how to be a doormat. Now, nothing matters to you because you're only doing what you want now, nobody else's opinions really matter. I know what's important now, so life can come at me bro. I'm not what other people think of me, my talents, my failures, my achievements, nada. I'm just me and I'm gonna do whatever and quit worrying about being worthy all the time. You do you. Leave me to me. Any way the wind blows.

Of course, trauma means you fall back into the same patterns a lot and keep having to remember your worth, so life's not all wrapped up with a bow now. But, once you realize your opinions and feelings matter, it's hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube. There is nothing that can convince me to run back to the Mormons. But I do keep finding time and time again more ways in which I still don't fully trust myself. It's hard feeling like I'm going in circles finding shortcomings I didn't even know were there, but I feel like I'm spiraling up now.

So that's my exmormon/cptsd-fueled interpretation of Bohemian Rhapsody. It really is such a great song with so many interpretations. Some songs you remember the first time hearing it and even fewer songs get even better as you go back to it, you know? Anyway, thanks for reading and tolerating the gifs!

[gaykarstaagforever]

I just watched 2008's Lake Mungo. Spoiler alert for this movie you can watch for free on Tubi.

First of all, let me say, there isn't even a LAKE at Lake Mungo. You're full of shit, Australia. Yes the weird miniature Grand Canyon thing is cool. But you really shouldn't use the word 'lake' if it's just a weird patch of desert. I'm filing a citation.

I mean yeah it's extraordinarily beautiful. But it isn't a goddamn lake, you bastards.

Second of all, to all the people online calling this the most terrifying horror movie they have ever seen...you are using 'horror' like Australia uses 'lake.' This isn't a horror movie and it isn't once scary. It is a mystery story with some kind of ghost-thing in it, but that thing itself only runs at the camera once, and it looks like a scary thing the movie already showed us before. There aren't even any jump scares here.

I suppose it is an above-average movie. It is filmed in a faux-documentary style, which means it looks like a fake documentary, and all the actors talk like they are pretending to be in a documentary, not like people in actual documentaries talk. I expected that and it's hard for a director to fix that, so they get a pass. But it is still a thing.

Also a real documentary would never show close-up images of a real teen girl's dessicated corpse, under horror movie lighting. Or a clip of her sex tape. Because that would be illegal.

I don't know why they did the fake documentary thing at all, besides the fact it was 2008 and that was the style at the time. It really doesn't serve the story. And it begs the question why anyone would make a documentary about this entire situation in the first place, because...kind of not that compelling a series of events?

"Dude you totally need to see that documentary about a family who came together through the power of communication, only after their daughter learned to finally speak to her mother after the daughter was dead and a ghost!"

That is ridiculous. No one would make a documentary about that, because that is not reality, it is a sitcom plot.

Works fine as a movie plot. But then just film it like a traditional movie.

As I said, it is an above-average movie. It has lots of twists and turns that make it interesting, and it never explains the mild supernatural weirdness going on, which is welcome, because trying to explain it would just ruin what minor spooky vibe this has.

But this isn't a horror movie. I don't know what it is. It is an allegory about how you should talk to your mom if you're sad. Which is a good-enough message, I suppose? But I already knew that. And also I'm not 16 so it kind of isn't relevant anymore.

If you are pre-30s and love this movie, then I'm not taking it away from you. I think it was made for you. But it certainly wasn't made for me.

...I didn't even think Alice's traumatic experience rose to the level of psychological crisis that the movie implied. Sure, it was something gross and illegal, and people react to things like that differently. But I was expecting something like prostitution or drug dealing with murders, or she joined a devil cult with human sacrifice, or something like that. Her GHOST traveled THROUGH TIME to help the family process the trauma of this.

"At sixteen I had a threesome with our adult neighbors" just doesn't feel like a thing you break the laws of physics from beyond the grave to tell your mother happened to you. I'm sorry. Like that is a serious crime and potentially traumatic, but is it time-traveling ghost traumatic? Eh.

I give it a low B- for being engaging for its brief run time (and being free on Tubi). But it isn't remotely a horror movie and I don't think most adults will get much out of it.

My face while watching Lake Mungo.

[andonutty]

#like ...#also i hate people using their hunger as an excuse when. CLEARY they were coherent enough to make a ritual out of this lmfao#and what's fucked up is that i could see javi's death happening. i could see them standing by and watching him die. being complacent#but that's not the problem. the problem is before this they were willing to kill nat. like 100% willing#had the ritual ended with shauna being unable to do it then i wouldn't have complained but after nat takes off the show just ???#acts as if the girls would have ZERO problem killing nat which is insane to me lol#and not to be picky but the ritual literally fails in this episode. they think the wilderness chose javi right#which MEANS nat was wrongfully chosen. they fucked up! they didn't do what the wilderness wanted!!! yet they're gonna keep doing it#a ritual which. doesn't work. like okay i guess personally i'd be scared of pissing the wilderness off but you do you#anyway i just ... when your slow burn cannibalism cult show starts speeding down the high way all of a sudden </3#not a single thing in this ep made a lick of sense and the quality has gone down since s1 i can assure you!! it is fresh in my memory#as a pit girl enthusiast this is tragic 2 me :(

im keeping these tags because they are so meaningful to me <3 also i was going to do this commentary in the tags but i figured they’d make more sense in the body of the post itself. so if it sounds too conversational mind your business

so i totally agree that in the moment the latest episode was super fucked up and cool to watch, but then in the aftermath it’s like... what’s happening??? i feel like the showrunners are so desperate to make the last few eps of s2 really shocking that they’re not... leading up to it well. like i could identify a NUMBER of glaring pacing issues throughout all of s2. and i’m too lazy to go through the episodes of s2 and talk about all of them but... off the top of my head, we’ve got the adam plotline which is SO dragged out and frankly disgusting. like. okay. so the whole point of the adult plotline in s1 was to showcase how the girls (and travis) never moved past their trauma. like showcasing how they have this mentality that triggered them. and it also shows how even though they have this distance between them and they barely really talk anymore, they generally have each other’s backs. it’s GOOD. and while the adam plotline in s1 was a little bit horrifying, it was horrifying in a way where we all kind of suspected he was the blackmailer or at least someone malicious! and then it turns out shauna was WRONG and it was actually jeff. and that’s kind of where the writing goes wonky imo. i’m not sure why shauna, who just murdered a man in a dissociative haze for hurting her friends and leading her on, would NOT do the same to this other guy. like whatever, i’m willing to forgive it to a point, but it’s frankly disgusting that jeff faces NO consequences for literally going through shauna’s personal shit, never talking to her about it, and then BLACKMAILING her FRIENDS, one of whom relapsed on COCAINE and sold her CAR because of this shit. it is insane that jeff wouldn’t face consequences for this. i get that shauna doesn’t want to get in trouble for killing her husband or whatever, but i thought we already established that she does not love jeff in a romantic way. being with jeff was always about taking pieces of jackie and having them inside her, and then post-crash, it was about living jackie’s life because she feels it’s an apt punishment for KILLING HER. but whatever, i guess shauna x jeff is true love, etc. but not to get heated over this unrelated thing, i’m just saying that nothing about the adam plotline in s2 makes a lick of sense.

for one thing, adam seems to not really have anyone close to him at all. his mom is dead (walter confirms this), there’s no mention of any friends that are grieving him, he’s a ghost when you google him. he mentions a friend he went to college with but doesn’t really insinuate he’s still in touch. hell, even when he tells shauna he has a friend at the auto shop, HE’S the friend. and on top of ALL that, we KNOW adam isn’t a man of influence or importance. and the yellowjackets, knowing all of this, make it look like he’s just a missing person. GENERALLY, cops do not WANT to open homicide investigations when they don’t HAVE to, because murder cases are a fucking headache and it’s way easier to just deem it a missing persons case. it’s ridiculous that they even declared adam to be missing so fast, but then to put it on the NEWS?? he’s some RANDOM MAN. he’s able-bodied, in his thirties... like he’s not a poor eighty-year-old lady or a teenager or whatever. there’s no reason for it to be on the news. and they seem to treat this whole plotline like a ... some sort of gotcha moment for SHAUNA of all people? like all the yellowjackets did horrific shit. why is she the only one getting punished for -- but im getting ahead of myself. let’s talk more about this adam plotline that was given WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much fucking screentime and didn’t give us ANY time to build up to the pit girl moment in episode 8.

so sure, the police realize adam’s missing in the span of a couple hours, which is so unrealistic. then they’re like, utterly CONVINCED it was a murder? even though no evidence in his apartment suggests this. again, they really should be LOOKING for him rather than investigating shauna, but i digress. i’m so disgusted and disappointed by this plotline that i’m spending way more time on talking about it than i want, but that beginning part was really only the beginning of the depths of fucked up and unnecessary and detrimental this plotline was. it actively drives a wedge between shauna and the other survivors for no good reason. it implies the yellowjackets are not competent enough to cover up a murder, which they LITERALLY ARE considering no one even SUSPECTED they were hunting their friends for sport. it insinuates that the yellowjackets need the help of THEIR LITERAL BLACKMAILER to cover this shit up, and keeps trying to “rekindle” the relationship between shauna and jeff as if it’s SHAUNA’S FAULT that all this was happening. like, fuck! and then do we have to TALK about the plotline with callie where that disgusting piece of shit cop is GROOMING HER for evidence that would be INADMISSIBLE IN COURT. and kevyn LETS HIM??? he couldn’t give less of a shit about where NATALIE is, instead ALL the screentime we get of him is him acting like a stereotypical cop and DEFENDING the man that he believes HAD SEX WITH A TEENAGE GIRL for information. oh my god. oh my god. this plotline did nothing except waste time and meander around things that should actually have been explored.

so that plotline was meandering and did not serve the narrative at all. again, taissa’s plot was super interesting and served to tell us more about what happened back in the wilderness. lottie’s and nat’s plots were interesting because they showed us more about lottie’s compound and revealed more about natalie and travis. misty’s plotline was ... fine? it wasn’t the best, but it served the plot in some minute ways. i found her much more incompetent this season than she usually is, but i did at least admire how singularly focused she was on saving natalie, which, again, is in character for her. but then shauna’s plotline served NO purpose. anyway. so the adam plot dominated season 2 when it really should have been dropped at the end of season 1 or even maybe one or two episodes into season 2.

and all that time could have been used to set up the wilderness AND adult plotlines so that it actually makes SENSE for both lottie to be playing russian roulette with the survivor’s lives and for the girls in the wilderness to be playing russian roulette to save lottie’s life. throughout all the decisions made in yellowjackets, there’s been dissent. because they’re teenage girls and human beings, and there’s still humanity left in them. it was such a jarring shift from episode 7, where they were still coherent and not that hungry, to episode 8, which is PROBABLY just a couple days afterward, where they’re ALL hallucinating and delirious from hunger. season one and the beginning parts of season two did a really good job at ramping up the stakes, at pacing things so that it made sense when they were so desperate that they’d eat jackie. fall happened, the animals started migrating away. nat and travis kept coming back empty-handed. the one big catch they did get was diseased. they start foraging and eating worms and grubs because that’s all they can get. then in episode ten, the wilderness gives them the bear and they’re fed for a while. jackie dies and they put her in the meat locker because shauna’s grieving. then, over a period of TWO MONTHS, they run out of the bear meat and start starving to death. there is nothing that nat and travis can catch. and then finally, when the girls are on the brink of starving to death, jackie’s body ends up getting cooked instead of cremated, and the girls, delirious with hunger and trying to rationalize it to themselves as, “jackie would have wanted us to survive”, literally gorge themselves on her and are probably full for a very, very long time. so for a long time after they eat jackie, sure, they’re still hunting, but they’re not really hungry because their focus is on shauna and her baby. shauna WENT INTO LABOUR at the end of episode 5, and gave birth in episode 6. that was TWO EPISODES AGO. and we do spend pretty much the entire episode believing that the wilderness baby made it, which leaves ONLY episode seven for that fallout. bear in mind here that episodes 5, 6, and 7 therefore occur in the span of like a day or two. that is not a long time. shauna beats the crap out of lottie because she’s convinced they all ATE HER BABY, so she’s CLEARLY not over them cannibalizing jackie. crystal is still out there, potentially still alive considering her body was moved, and yeah, some of the girls are like, if she’s dead we’ll eat her, but none of them are saying they’d KILL her if they found her alive.

the point is that throughout all of these episodes up until the last one, they weren’t really so desperate that they’d start killing people. i don’t know why we started pulling out belt soup and whatever right now. just because lottie might die? she TOLD misty that they could eat her if she didn’t make it. why are they so focused on saving lottie? all she’s been doing is mindfulness mondays every morning and blessing people before hunts. if they’re so desperate to eat, why wouldn’t they just eat lottie? and again, this cannot be very long after episode 7, so where was the starving before? it’s like the writers just went, oh right, and they’re starving, like, just like they were before they ate jackie. like there’s a starving thing happening. they didn’t even make it clear if the girls ate shauna’s placenta, which they COULD make last for a while. they definitely wouldn’t be at the point of hunting down and killing nat in cold blood. they just have so many options, and it’s clear that UNLIKE DOOMCOMING, they were all totally in their right minds. we have no idea why they decided the queen would be hunted. why they didn’t go get coach ben to make sure everyone participated. why they started making animal noises when they were chasing nat. why they wouldn’t LITERALLY ABANDON the ritual once it failed, like... oh my god. and they would just stand by and WATCH the youngest of them die when shauna’s baby JUST died.

i’m honestly just really disappointed in the latest episode and i’m not really looking forward to what they’ll do in the season finale. pit girl should not have come this early. none of them were ready for it and their first go at the ritual should not have failed. they needed faith, and that faith wasn’t earned, neither in the wilderness nor in the adult plotline. like, pit girl was always a consensual thing. i don’t know why they’re suddenly forcing it on people and having people blindly accept it. i don’t know.

ngl as someone who's stalked yellowjackets way before i finally binged most of it this week, i gotta say i'm sooooo disappointed in the new ep. like, it's beyond sad to watch what should've been a devastating descent get rushed for the sake of ... idk, thrills? the appeal of pit girl ( to me anyway ) was the fact it was completely and utterly consensual, in a way. we know this is their second and last winter when they hunt her, and she's very deliberately dressed — there's no signs of a struggle on her outfit, so it's safe to say she willingly wore it, which all leads to this disturbing truth : the girls are completely lost in their delusion, their religion, and their love for each other at this point. they are safe and comfortable doing this ritual, choosing the girl, and submitting to the dance of slaughter and suicide. they have reached such a mental state, where they've come to terms with being willing to feed the girls with their body and feasting on their friends if they get picked instead. and their actions are brutal and relentless because that's a human being that they're treating like an animal, but it's also natural, it's their way of life, and this doesn't mean they don't love their pit girls. they do! these are people they've relied on for months, a year and more, this is their family! but they're a hive mind now, they love each other so much they're willing to die so others may live, they're willing to lose loved ones to save more loved ones. jackie's necklace is a sign of respect, of blessing ... pit girl is a wonderful thing to be! and that's such a gruesome, fucked up thing to grasp as a viewer. that they could treat people they love like mere meat, like any other animal. it's the descent i've been dying to see! yet they completely rushed it for ?? no reason ?? almost none of these girls are at this state yet ; we've spent the last couple of episodes watching people's faith in lottie waver ( van was having a whole crisis about this !! ) and them mourning the baby, so this sudden feral state is such a tonal shift, a jarring not-good one.

shauna was having nightmares about cannibalism and genuinely believed the girls ate her baby and now she's just a-okay with eating javi or nat?? tai couldn't even be conscious when they ate jackie! and when they did eat her, she'd already been cooked and dead for two months, she had been their captain, and her best friend was telling them that jackie would want them to ; they're still excusing it, not really addressing it, and so ?? them just jumping straight to pit girl is fucking weird to put it mildly. hungry or not they had other options! the placenta, the rest of jackie, finding crystal to eat, also what about coach ben?? you know, the useless grown adult man that none of them are really close to and could feed them way longer than some teenage girl or kid could? we know the girls can be ruthless, but the fact they were so ready to turn that ruthlessness onto each other ( despite CLEARLY not wanting to ) is stupid when they had other options. i agree they should've killed someone, as it's the natural progress to get to pit girl eventually, but that person should've been injured, or completely and utterly willing ... none of them are at the point where they can just kill their friends, and if they really are, then that hasn't been shown enough.

also, not gonna lie, them all just deciding that they couldn't possibly eat lottie is weird too. i'm not saying any of them would kill her, but once she told misty not to waste her body if she dies, we should've seen some inner conflict. because it'd be so easy to eat lottie, it'd be simple, she's their leader and she's giving them permission and they wouldn't even have to kill her for this. but she's also their friend! they don't want to eat lottie, but if that's what happened then ... like idk them acting like this was a bizarre notion when they literally listened to lottie last episode and let shauna beat her practically to death is strange. why does her word suddenly not matter now? again i get the conflict, but they all just unanimously agreed they couldn't ever eat lottie which is. whatever. they could've waited around for her to maybe die to eat, saw this wouldn't happen and be a mix of relieved & disappointed, and figure something else out.

anyway i just have some gripes with this episode and season overall. i still loved watching it in the moment, since the actors are so damn good, although the aftermath was not pleasant considering i was just. hit with bad writing decisions and weird pacing lol

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter ten: "Set me free my honey bee"

Word count: 11,6K

Summary: Let's jump 19 months in time and see how painful it has turned for reader and Spencer to hide their feelings for each other. JJ leaves the team, and a new member joins the BAU.

Warnings: Angst and hurt. Fools being assholes. Cursing, of course. Mention of CM cases and spoilers on S06E11.

A/N: Please don't hate me. Just remember things usually look like the shit before they get worst, and then everything is better. I hope.

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

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(Y/N)'s point of view

Time is a weird thing. I remember when I was in school and time didn't pass fast enough. Semesters were eternal. It felt it had been years by the time summer vacation arrived. The complete opposite happened to me at the BAU. Suddenly, time passed too quickly. A whole year and a half went by in the blink of an eye.

I told Spencer about it, and he sent me a paper published by Professor Adrian Bejan that presented an argument based on the physics of neural signal processing. He hypothesizes that, over time, the rate at which we process visual information slows down, and this is what makes time 'speed up' as we grow older.

My answer was that I thought it happened 'cos as we grew older, we did things that actually gave us joy, which made us feel the time was passing faster than before. So we argued a whole Saturday afternoon about it and created our own theories for that event.

My theory was my personal favorite, 'cos it was the only one that could easily explain why so much time had passed in the BAU, and it felt like it had been just a few weeks.

It hadn't been easy, though. Those nineteen months had been filled with some of the worst situations we had been through as a team.

After I got shot, JJ finally admitted her relationship with Will and got pregnant. That was shocking, the first BAU baby: Henry.

Sadly, Henry was the only little good thing that happened that year. Because to sum it up, a bunch of awful shit happened to all of us: Hotch was in a car explosion that almost killed him. Spencer and Prentiss got trapped in an undercover mission into an underground cult to investigate child abuse, and Emily was beaten up pretty badly. Also, Spencer got infected with anthrax and nearly died. That was probably the most agonizing moment I had lived since the whole Tobias Hankel situation two years earlier.

Also, that year Prentiss had to investigate the case of the death of one of her best friends, and I was in a pretty nasty fight with an unsub that got me out of the field for three weeks. Not to mention, Spencer was shot in the leg.

Hotch was stabbed by the only unsub that has actually won against the BAU: Foyet. He attacked Aaron and got on the lose for months, but we all knew his next move as torture Hotch's family. That's why his ex-wife Haley and his little son Jack had to go into protective custody, and he couldn't see them for months while we tried to catch Foyet.

Things didn't go as planned. And without a doubt, the worst moment that year was the day Haley died. Foyet killed her, and Aaron lost it. He literally killed him with his bare hands the moment he got him. For a solid week, I was sure Aaron Hotchner wouldn't be the unit chief anymore. Strauss actually opened an investigation related to everything that happened that day. But in the end, somehow, she understood the "bloodbath" that had happened in that house was all in Foyet's hands.

However, there's no way to deny that the whole team had changed in many ways after that year. The concept of being a family was now more present than ever. After chasing Foyet for months, we were all onto him as if he was chasing our own family, because he was.

You don't work this kind of job with a team like mine and don't get attached to them. And this goes beyond how in love I was with Spencer. The (Y/N) who first stepped into the BAU, scared to show her true self, was long gone. And despite my deepest fears, letting them in and showing them who I really was had been one of the smartest decisions I have ever made.

Do you want to know which was my stupidest decision? Falling in love with Spencer Reid. It hadn't actually been my choice. I just didn't fight the feeling either. I don't think I could have even if I tried, though. Those nineteen months brought us so close, my mom thought we were living together, and the teasing from our friends was so common we weren't even affected by it.

For Christ Sakes, even Strauss thought we were dating! She forced us to attend a seminar on fraternization, concerned after she realized we always took our vacation together. We had a lot of fun trips, though. First, we visited his mom and had an amazing weekend in Las Vegas. Then we took a few days off after the anthrax incident and went to Hawaii. Picture Spencer Reid in an "all-inclusive," drinking all the coffee and eating all the pastries possible while reading a million books underneath an extra-large umbrella. We had fun that week, did some local touring, but most of all, sleeping in and relaxing. Spencer hates the beach but got those tickets anyway.

Did everybody think we were a couple? Yes

Did it help that we shared rooms, 'cos we were already used to it? No

Did it feel like a honeymoon without sex? Yes

Could I stop thinking about sex with Spencer? No.

And all that led us to the nightmare our relationship was going to become.

Penelope Garcia was drunk. She kept pouring shots and pushing them to us. Emily was wasted as well. But she kept acting like the classy lady she is. Not like JJ. My poor baby had mascara smeared under her eyes after crying for like an hour.

We found out she was leaving the team, and it was a hard blow on us. And by hard, I mean the worst thing that had ever happened to us. We had suffered without JJ when she was on maternity leave. And we struggled without her. Now knowing the Pentagon had taken her away from the BAU was torture.

We had a goodbye party for her at Rossi's, but this was our goodbye girl's night, and neither of us was holding anything back.

We had cried, we had sung sad songs. We drank all the champagne, wine, and vodka we could find. And now, holding our tequila shots, we knew it was time to call it a night.

- "I just love you girls so much,"- JJ whispered, crying- I don't wanna work without you.

- "Boo, come here!!"- I opened my arms and wrapped them around my friend, kissing the top of her hair a few times- "I love you too, and you are going to come back so soon you won't have time to miss us. You'll see. Papa Rossi and Dada Hotch are gonna fix everything."

I was drunk. Seriously drunk. But that wasn't the reason why I was so sweet with JJ. The truth is, I was broken-hearted. Like Penelope and Reid, I didn't manage change very well, and the fact that JJ was forced to leave made me feel frustrated and mad. But most of all, it made me think of every time I had been a little bitch with her during the years. And I regretted each one of them.

- "And we won't be far!"- Emily added and caressed JJ's arm, smiling kindly- "You will still be in town, and we will not leave you alone"- JJ chuckled and nodded.

- "I know, girls. Shit, I love you all so much!"

- "We love you too!"- Penelope sobbed and moved closer, wrapping the three of us in her arms.

- "Please, take care!"- JJ wiped off the tears from her eyes and looked at us- "Emily, don't do anything stupid! Don't rush in the field, and please don't take your fucking vest off!!"

- "I won't! I promise!"

- "You have to live to be Unit chief one day!"- JJ added, and Prentiss widened her eyes, shocked.

- "That's not really my gold."

- "But you'd be queen, baby!!"- Jareau added and turned to Penelope- "And you, please make sure Hotch eats. I kept a stack of granola bars on my desk to keep him fueled during the day. He usually forgets lunchtime and skips dinner, so..."

- "Don't worry, JJ,"- Penelope nodded, and we all felt our heartbreak a little thinking about all the things JJ did in her daily basics to take care of the team, and we didn't even know.

- "How are we going to survive without you?"- I mumbled, pouting. JJ chuckled and held my hand.

- "You are a rock, and you will do a fantastic job keeping this team together. Just, please, can you and Spencer start dating now?"

I wide opened my eyes and stared at JJ. The comment surprised me. I shouldn't, 'cos the whole "you and Spencer should start dating" joke was getting old. Only this time, JJ wasn't joking. She held both my hands and looked right into my eyes.

- "(Y/N), he loves you"- I was about to argue with her, but she covered my mouth with her Cheetos smelling hand.

- "Don't say a word! Spencer loves you so much you really must be blind not to see it. And I know you love him too. It's implied in all the little things you do for him every day. So don't take it for granted. Don't think this will last forever 'cos look at me! A week ago, I was happily working at the BAU, and now I'm drinking at my goodbye party! So don't waste any more time! You are in love with Spencer, and he loves you! It doesn't take a profiler to see it. So please! Act on it!"

There was a dramatic silence after. I didn't know how to break it. I could just joke around, but somehow, it didn't feel right. It had been too quiet for too long, and that made everything harder to deny. Finally, Emily put her hand on mine, just like JJ was still doing, and smiled at me.

- "There's nothing to be ashamed of, (Y/N). You are not the first person to fall for her best friend."

- "And the Junior G Man loves you so much,"- Penelope added, landing her hand on our hands too.

- "As his friend"- I corrected and sighed. I guess that was it. After three years, I could probably start facing my feelings in front of my friends.

- "No, (Y/N)"- Garcia tried to argue, but I shook my head and stood up, 'cos all that sudden attention and affection was bothering me.

- "PG, I was in Hawaii with the man, sharing a room, walking around in a bikini, and he didn't do anything."

- "That's because he is shy!"- Emily excused him right away.

- "My bikini leaves pretty much nothing to the imagination. Do you know what he said when he first saw me on it?"- I looked at my friend and poured us another round of tequila- "And I quote, "I don't think I brought enough books. This one is too interesting."

I air quoted with my fingers as we spoke, and the three of them looked at me, speechless. I made my point and drank my shot, feeling the alcohol burning down my throat. My friends opened their mouths but didn't produce a word. I sighed and looked at them.

- "But he hates the beach, and he took you there anyway,"- Emily pointed out

- "Did he give you his speech about how he hates sandy food?"- JJ asked me, and I chuckled, nodding.

- "And about pink skin, limited and unengaging topography, and of course, the real reason he hates the beach: drug-resistant bacteria spread by seagull feces."

- "And the man took you to the beach!"- Penelope argued.

- "But he didn't do anything! he didn't make his move, didn't even hold my hand!!"- I nearly shouted- "That's why, among a lot of reasons, is how I know Spencer is not interested in me! If only I'd tell you all the shit we've been through!"

- "Please!! Tell us!!"- Garcia begged and grabbed one of my legs- "I won't live another day 'cos I won't be able to deal with the mystery!"

- "No! 'cos you are gonna tell Morgan"- I slurred- "And he is going to embarrass and tease my honey bunny, and my honey bunny is gonna get all nervous and nervous around me, and we are never going to..."- I stopped talking and looked at my friends. I was sharing too much.

- "(Y/N)?"- Prentiss looked at me, but I just shook my head and looked down.

- "I think I better go home."

- "No, you can't drive like this,"- JJ argued immediately and held my hand- "I'm not gonna let you go intoxicated. Will is gonna come pick me up, and we'll drop you in your place."

I nodded at her and stayed still. My friends smiled at me, and slowly very slowly, I leaned on JJ's shoulder and rested my head on it.

- "I love you, boo,"- I whispered, and she giggled- "I don't think I'll stay sane without you there with us anymore."

- "Hotch is gonna manage to get her back,"- Penelope assured me, and I just nodded.

- "Meanwhile, we won't replace you, and if anyone tries to push someone new into the team, we are not gonna take them,"- I added, feeling JJ's hand holding mine.

- "Don't be mean with people just 'cos you miss me. If there's a new teammate, it won't be their fault I was pushed out of the BAU."

- "But, JJ,"- I tried to argue, but she shook her head right away.

- "No, (Y/N). You can't be mean to people just because."

Clearly, my friend hoped I could be the better person. The simple question was: did I want to be the better person? Right there, drunk and sad, the answer was no.

Spencer's point of view

I kept finding myself awake at four in the morning, walking around my apartment, not able to read or to write anything. For the last months, at least twice or three times each week, I would stay awake, no matter how tired I felt, and I would haunt my own apartment, listening to my vinyl records.

The sudden lack of sleep wasn't really something weird in me. I have always been nocturnal. Besides, the news of JJ's departure had hit us all pretty hard. I had already shared my share of tears and tried to manage the fury that caused me to know we were helpless to the government's decisions. There was nothing we could do, neither us, Hotch, or even Strauss. Not that she would if she could.

My family was in crisis, and all we could do was hope for the best and stay together.

It was scary losing JJ. It made me think of all the things that could go wrong every day on the field daily. It was bad that we could get hurt or even die on our work. But that they divided us that way made no sense. Like Rossi said: our loss was someone else's winning, and in the FBI, no one cared if we lost.

I poured myself a cup of herbal tea and inhaled the smell of it. It smelled like home. Like (Y/N). She had some of her favorite teas in my apartment. She had a bunch of all her things there, actually. When mom visited, she thought we were living together. She is still sure we are dating and that I don't wanna tell her. I don't longer argue with her about it. It's useless, and it somehow feels good to imagine in another world. It was actually true.

That year my feelings for my best friend had grown in a way that made it all more difficult to deal with. I didn't just love her. I was in love with her. She was in everything I did, in each and every one of my thoughts. I could hear her laughter in my head, like a record playing my favorite song over and over again.

When she was out there in the field, I couldn't stop running all the probabilities of her getting hurt, and most of the time, I would do my best to keep her safe, knowing it could somehow interfere with the case.

Hotch had called me to his office a few times, aware something was going with me. He could read it on my face, I guess. It was scary to know everybody could read my feelings for (Y/N) but her. And it was sad to think of the worst: that she knew how much I loved her, but she didn't feel the same, and she was just being my friend 'cos she was never going to be anything else but my friend.

I drank my tea and hummed the song that sounded in my house at four in the morning: Love is a losing game. Seemed pretty accurate for my mood. I remember the day I got that vinyl. We were out with (Y/N), Frank, and Lu, looking for a present for Mikey's birthday, and we ended up in a record store, getting a million vinyl records for ourselves.

- "Are you getting all those?"- (Y/N) asked me and looked at the seven albums in my hand.

- "Yes, why? I can't?"- I answered and raised an eyebrow.

- "Sassy!"- she giggled and grabbed them- "You can get all the albums you want. But I have to give my approval first. No, you are not getting this!"- she grabbed The Beatles' Revolver and left it aside.

- "What? Why? It's only one I need to complete my collection."

- "I know, but when you get it, you'll force me to listen to it, and I don't like the Beatles,"- she argued, and I just shook my head, taking the album again.

- "Sorry, chipmunk, I'm buying it."

- "Fine. I won't go to your house for the next couple of weeks then."

- "Why don't you tell me which album you wanna listen to when you are in my house then?"- I looked at her, smiling at me and looking for a record on the shelves.

- "This! You need some Amy in your life."

And I did. Now, at four in the morning, all alone walking around, I could see her in my apartment, singing along to her favorite songs while cooking dinner, feeling at home. I wished she was there, with me, doing nothing. Watching tv, or reading. Just hanging out. I knew it wasn't healthy being in love with my friend, seeing her every day, and also hanging out with her every chance I got. But even when I knew she was never going to love me the way I did, I was going to take every chance I had to enjoy her company. If that was all I was going to get.

My phone took me from my thoughts, and I quickly walked to my room to get it. I thought it was Hotch announcing a case, but it was JJ.

- "Hey! JJ, everything ok? Is Henry ok?"

- "Yes, hi Spence. We are all ok."

- "It's four in the morning."

- "Sorry I woke you up... I just..." - she made a pause and sighed at the other side of the line- "Spencer, you know I love you."

- "I love you too. You are one of my best friends. Is everything ok?"

- "Yes, I just wanted to... remember a bunch of years ago, when you asked me to that football game?"

A million years had passed since the one and only time I had asked JJ out. It was the only move I tried to do on her, and I failed incredibly. It was awkward, and she had no idea it was a date, so she invited Garcia to come along. I was so embarrassed I never even mentioned that single event ever again, and our friendship grew after.

- "Yes, I remember, JJ. Why?"

- "When you asked me out, did you have a crush on me?"

- "JJ, are you drunk?"- I had to ask 'cos that conversation was starting to scare me.

- "Yes, but that's not why I'm talking about this. Just answer the questions, Spence. When you asked me out on that date, did you have a crush on me?"

- "Yes, I did."

I closed my eyes, embarrassed to face feelings that were far forgotten.

- "You see, I had a crush on you too back then,"- JJ said and chuckled- "But neither of us acted on it, and life continued, and now I'm in love with Will, and we have a baby, and you are his godfather."

Of all the things I thought I would listen to that day, never in a million years, I imagined I would hear JJ drunk telling me she had a crush on me when we first met.

- "Now, do you want that to happen again?"- she asked, and I didn't get it, 'cos I was still trying to process what I had just heard. So I might have had a relationship with her if only I had said something, act on it. Kiss her, ask her out again?

- "What?"

- "Spence. Do you want to miss the chance to be with the girl you like?"

- "No, but JJ, what are you talking about?"

She sighed, frustrated, and used that tone of voice with me, that very maternal specific tone of voice she used to explain things she knew were hard for me to follow.

- "When you like someone, Spence, you have to tell her. 'Cos sometimes, life gets in the way, and if you don't do what you have to do to be happy, no one will do it for you."

- "Are you ok, JJ?"

- "Yes, Spence, I'm ok. I'm home with Will. We just got here after dropping (Y/N) off her place."

- "How was she?"

- "She might have had a few too many drinks, but she'll be ok in the morning. Maybe she'd appreciate it if you brought her coffee and donuts."

- "She doesn't like donuts,"- I corrected her- "She likes cupcakes and brownies."

- "Sorry. Coffee and cupcakes... just tell her you love her, Spence. She deserves to know."

I held my breath and closed my eyes. I didn't get why JJ was telling me that, but I knew I didn't want to talk about it. So I said good night and hung up.

What was the point of telling me we could have been a couple of years had passed already? Why didn't she say a thing before? Or even better, why didn't she ever say a word about it at all? So I missed the chance to be happy with her. Great. One more regret to add to my list.

I laid on my bed and tried to remember that date. I was so nervous that day, my hands shook inside my pockets as I walked to JJ's door. She looked beautiful that day, especially when she looked at me and announced she had invited Penelope to join us.

That was when I realized she would never see me as a proper date, just like a friend. And I learned to make my peace with that over the years. My crush for JJ lasted a few more months, but it vanished when I fell for (Y/N). What if she had never joined the team? Would I have been in love with JJ forever? Jeniffer always made me feel like her little brother, and I guess that's the mechanic that works for us. We were good friends ever since we met, and yes, I had a crush on her, but we work more like siblings than anything else.

What was the point in telling me I had missed a chance with her now? I just couldn't see it.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The next few weeks were us trying to survive without JJ. The team was making the best it could, but it was hard. Penelope took the lead during the second case without JJ. She turned into our tech analyst and communication liaison, only to collapse under the pressure of having two roles.

No one was going to replace JJ. We all knew it. Literally, no one, 'cos Hotch decided he and Garcia were going to split the job, and we were all going to collaborate as much as we could, 'cos we were a team. A family. And that's what families do.

And families were the target of the unsub we were hunting the day everything changed. Again. I hadn't recovered from the departure of JJ when Rossi and Hotch walked to the bullpen and introduced us to Agent Trainee Ashley Seaver.

My nemesis.

- "Agent trainee Seaver"- Rossi smiled at her like a proud father and looked at us as we stood up, wondering who she was- "Supervisory Special Agent Prentiss, (Y/L/N), and Morgan."

- "I've heard so much about the three of you,"- she said with the sweetest tone of voice I had ever heard. Something about that felt odd.

- "I hope it is all good- Morgan flirted right away, of course."

- "Very, sir."

- "Anything specific? I mean about me in particular?"- I turned to him and failed in holding back my chuckles.

- "Please, don't encourage him, or he will never stop talking,"- I said, and Derek elbowed me playfully. Seaver smiled at us and even blushed a little bit. She was nervous.

- "Agent Seaver is on loan to us from the academy while she is remedial training with an injury."

Hotch announced. And my stomach tightened right away. There was something wrong with that whole scene. I could feel it in my guts. But I didn't know why?

- "Concussion. Hand to hand got a little out of control."- Seaver explained and kept a silly smile on her face.

- "How's the other guy?"- Prentiss asked.

- "Don't ask."

- "I was remediated in the academy also,"- Spencer said, walking over us, and suddenly I understood why I had a bad feeling about everything.

- "Agent Seaver, Dr. Reid."

As soon as I heard Rossi say those words, there was a part of me who just wanted to hold Spencer's hand and push him away from her, even before they could say hi. She looked at him like he was eye candy, and I clenched my knuckles as I stared at the scene.

- "Uhm... What was your issue?"- she asked him, and I could see the pink on her cheek intensifying as he looked at her, confused.

- "What was my issue? Marksmanship, physical training, obstacle course, Hogan's alley. You know, pretty much everything that wasn't technically book related. They ultimately had to make exceptions to allow me into the field."

Seaver stared at him and kept nodding, though I wondered if she was listening to what he had said. Spencer looked exceedingly handsome that day. His hair was very short for the first time in years, and he still had no idea how to comb it, so it was all over the place, making him look as hot as fuck.

I was so in love with him, I didn't know what to do with those feelings at all. It was hard working with Reid at that point. I just wanted to kiss him.

- "Agent Seaver's going to accompany us to New Mexico,"- Aaron announced, and I couldn't help but question him right away.

- "She is?"

- "As a consultant."- he assured me.

- "On?"- Morgan raised an eyebrow and looked at Hotch, wondering what a trainee agent could help us with as a consultant.

- "She has a unique perspective,"- Rossi tried to explain, but it sounded like bullshit.

- "They don't know?"- Seaver turned to the elderly agents, and they shook their heads.

- "Well, we weren't sure how you wanted to,"- David whispered.

- "Uh... Seaver's not my original last name. It's my mother's maiden name. Mine used to be Beauchamp. My father is Charles Beauchamp"- Ashley was supposed to explain the circumstances of her consultancy to the whole team, but she just looked at Spencer as she spoke.

- "As in the Redmond ripper, Charles Beauchamp?"- he asked her, and suddenly, it clicked. It was like my whole body was telling me I couldn't be close to her for a reason.

- "That's him,"- she whispered and kept her eyes on my best friend as he continued talking.

- "He killed 25 women over 10 years in rural North Dakota. I think that you caught him, right, Rossi?"- and David nodded.

- "Hotch was on that team, too."

- "Based on her life experience, we were hoping that agent Seaver might recognize something in the family dynamics inside the community that could be helpful. We have a plane waiting,"- Hotch announced and looked at us, but none of us said a word.

I kept my eyes glued at my feet the whole time Aaron talked. Then, Spencer nodded and walked with Seaver and Rossi out to the hangar. I couldn't even blink. I think I was in shock.

- "Her father was a serial killer?"- Prentiss asked Hotch, not getting what he was thinking.

- "That's definitely a different set of parameters,"- Morgan added. Neither of them was sold on the idea, which made me feel a little bit better.

- "I don't want her presence to get us sidetracked. It's a long shot that she's gonna see anything helpful. We work it like any other case,"- Hotch was clear, and Prentiss and Morgan nodded.

- "You got it."

But I disagreed with that.

- "(Y/N), is everything ok?"- Aaron asked me, and I tried my best to lie and be cool.

- "Yeah, I'm ok."

- "Ok. We work this like any other case. Wheels up in twenty."

But everything was far from being ok.

I sat next to Spencer on the jet, and we reviewed the case files together. Hotch briefed us, and we all pretended it wasn't weird having Seaver there. And I guess we had to pretend it wasn't odd knowing her dad was a serial killer.

- "You are very young, (Y/N),"- she said and smiled at me. She was sitting across from Spencer and me, and you could tell she had been trying to join the conversation for a few minutes now.

-" Twenty eight,"- I answered and looked at the files again.

- "And you, doctor?"

- "You can call me Reid. I'm twenty eight too,"- Spencer cut her a short, awkward, and nervous smile, and I turned to him.

- "Honey, did I leave my Mets jersey at your house?"- it was the only question that came to my mind at that minute. It was completely random, but somehow it showed a part of our dynamic that Ashley didn't know. Our friendship. Our closeness.

- "Yes, I found it last night,"- he answered and sipped his coffee- "I was gonna bring it over, but then I remembered you always borrow all my sweaters when you are home or when you stay over, so I thought maybe it was a good idea to keep it at my place."

- "I don't know, Batsy. It's my favorite sweatshirt- I raised an eyebrow, and I'm pretty sure I even flirted a little bit."

- "So? You need to keep one there."

- "But I like wearing your clothes when we are at your place. It's extra large and extra comfy."

- "Is that why you keep taking my sweaters back to your house?"- he asked and chuckled- "Last Sunday, I found four of my sweaters in your closet."

- "Sorry, I'm not even sorry,"- I said and laughed- "And what were you doing in my closet?"

- "Lucy, Ricky, can we focus on the case?"- Morgan asked and waved at us with one silly grin on his face- "We love hearing your adorable daily adventures, but we've got a psycho killer to catch."

Spencer blushed and flustered right away. I stuck out my tongue at Morgan and just shook my head. The way Seaver looked at Reid was still driving me nuts, but I felt I had shown her he was mine, childishly.

It's embarrassing to think that's not the most childish thing I did around her those days. Or in the weeks to follow. But I didn't like Ashley, and I didn't want her around my team. And it wasn't just her constant flirting with Spencer. It was the fact her father had killed my mother's sister when she was in college, and I was making my best effort to keep that fact aside from work. My personal life had to stay out of the FBI, especially when working a case.

I had to do some serious mental work trying to remember it wasn't Ashley's fault her father was a sick bastard. She hadn't hurt my family, and her father had ruined her life too. It wasn't her fault.

But one thing is knowing. Another thing is being rational about it. Spoiler: I wasn't so rational about it.

- "So, (Y/N). Do you like working at the BAU?"- Ashley asked me and looked at me through the rearview mirror. We were in the SUV, and Prentiss was driving. I was in the back seat, trying to ignore her, but she made it impossible.

- "Yes, very much,"- I answered and nodded, not taking my eyes from the window.

- "Everybody is very friendly,"- Seaver added and made a pause. I don't know if she wanted me to say something or if she was trying to find a way to say what she wanted to say.

- "Yes, they are,"- I humored her, and she quickly responded.

- "Are you and Spencer dating?"- I could feel the blood raising my cheeks as she spoke. And Prentiss flashed me a look through the mirror as Ashley continued talking.

- "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. I just wondered because of the fraternization policy."

- "Right. Sure. Of course."

Those three words were meant to let Ashley know I wasn't buying her bullshit, So I literally spit them.

- "Spencer is my best friend. We are not dating."

Facing that simple truth had never been harder before, especially after how I saw Ashley's face light up.

- "You just seem to be so close."

- "Oh, they are close,"- Emily smiled at me and winked- "They are so close, they sometimes freak us out."

- "We freak you out?"- I raised an eyebrow and carefully hit her arm, pretending to be upset. But honestly, I was glad she was teasing me.

- "I am just saying, we are all pretty suspicious about you two. I am actually surprised you didn't share rooms tonight. They usually share rooms."- Emily explained to Seaver.

- "He was paired with Morgan,"- I pouted and looked at my phone. I thought maybe I could send him a funny text. I actually wanted to hang out with him.

- "He is very nice,"- Ashley added- "I mean, everybody is nice."

- "Yes, you mentioned it"

I was clearly not being nice. Seaver nodded and looked at the files again. I assumed she was trying to find a way to keep asking about Spencer, and I was making my best not to kill her.

- "Working with a genius must be somehow intimidating,"- she said after a few minutes. Damn it, she wasn't going to let that subject go.

- "It's fun working with Spencer,"- Prentiss said, trying to humor Seaver. And mostly, I guess trying to ease my mood and keep me from killing the trainee agent.

- "I'm sure it is,"- Seaver added. I hated her.

- "He is more than just a genius, he is a nerd."- Emily pointed out and chuckled at her words, making Seaver giggle too. I looked at my book again, but I knew I wasn't going to be able to concentrate on it at all. He was my nerd. Mine.

- "Well, it's very refreshing to be with a group who trusts and works so well together,"- she added- "I had never felt less judged and more welcome in my entire life."

I know I should have felt sorry for her. But I honestly couldn't. That was the day I realized I wasn't the good person I thought I was. There was a part of me that was a scumbag. I'm guessing knowing that is pretty helpful and positive 'cos you can work on your flaws. But I wasn't planning on working on anything at that minute, though. I just wanted to break Seaver's face.

Spencer's point of view

I didn't like working without JJ. I've never been good with change, and that was a massive alteration of our routine. I missed her, and adding Ashley to the team made things even weirder for me, even for a case. I didn't want to be judgemental, but her father was a serial killer. Of course, that would make things weird.

Besides, everybody kept bugging me, teasing me, trying to see if I liked Seaver. Penelope called while we were on the case and started taunting me, saying she knew I thought Ashley was cute. I could see she was beautiful, but I couldn't see her that way. And I didn't want anyone to say those kinds of things around (Y/N).

Why did I care so much?

I didn't want to face it 'cos I knew it was completely platonic, but I didn't want (Y/N) to think I had a crush on Seaver. I knew my best friend didn't have romantic feelings for me, and I also knew I wasn't going to make a move on her or anything. But I didn't want things to change more than they already had. And most of all, I didn't want anything to alter my dynamic with (Y/N).

But at the same time, somehow, it felt everything was already different between us.

- "Hey, honey bunny,"- (Y/N) walked to me and handed me a cup of coffee- "I thought you might need one of these."

- "You are a lifesaver,"- I whispered and sipped the cup. It was perfect.

We were on the jet on our way back home. The whole team was mostly quiet. The mood was weird. Ashley had done something quite reckless earlier and nearly got herself killed. She walked to the unsub's house all alone, not knowing he was our guy. She almost died, and none of us can even imagine what went through her head to do such a thing.

Rossi and Hotch walked to her. (Y/N) looked at me, and I could read on her face that both of us knew what was going to happen.

Ashley was alone when David sat in front of her, and Hotch stood in the middle of the aisle. Maybe that had been insensitive of us. Neither of us tried to contain her. Neither of us really knew her that well. Or at all, as a matter of fact.

- "You were not supposed to go off on your own."- Hotch went straight to the point.

- "I know,"- she whispered, and I could see how (Y/N)'s face changed. I tried to read her, but all I was able to see was... anger? I had to be wronged. She had no reason to be mad at Ashley.

- "You could have been killed,"- Hotch crossed his arms on his chest and stared at her.

- "I know that, too."

- "Why, Ashley? You're smarter than that"- Rossi sounded like a worried father. I didn't look at him 'cos I kept my eyes on (Y/N)'s, still trying to read her emotions. But what I saw made no sense. She really looked like she was angry at Ashley. Like she hated her.

- "I never got to apologize to any of the victims. The families of the women my father killed. I thought if I could just apologize to one family that had been hurt that way..."

And that was when (Y/N) snapped. She jumped from her seat and walked to Seaver. Aaron and David looked at her surprised, and Morgan turned to me, taking off his headphones. Neither he nor Prentiss got what was happening until that moment.

- "Ok. Shoot!"- (Y/N) sat right in front of Seaver, next to David, and looked at her. But she didn't get it.

- "What? What are you talking about?"

- "You just said you wanted to apologize to one of the families. So go ahead. Try."

The silence on the jet was so deep and awkward it felt no one was ever going to talk again.

- "I'm sorry, (Y/N). But I don't get what you are implying,"- Ashley's voice was a whisper. I knew she was sad and affected, embarrassed even. But I also knew (Y/N), and I could read it on her face. She wasn't joking.

- "You said you wanted to apologize to the family of one of your dad's victims, so go ahead. Apologize to me."

My first instinct was to stand up, which I did. But I froze and didn't take a step closer to (Y/N) when I noticed the severe and cold look in her eyes. I didn't know what she was talking about. But I knew she wasn't bluffing.

- "Why should I... apologize to you?"- Ashley asked her, and her voice broke at a certain point, probably scared of the answer.

- "Your dad killed my mother's older sister. She was in college,"- (Y/N) spit each word with hate and looked at Ashley, waiting for her reply. But Seaver didn't know what to do. She widened her eyes and stayed still. She barely kept her breathing steady.

- "(Y/N), maybe we should let Seaver rest,"- Hotch landed a hand on her shoulder, but my friend shook her head.

- "No, Hotch. By making that choice, she put everyone at risk,"- (Y/N) didn't take her eyes from Ashley as she spoke- "As far as I remember when you are at the academy, they teach you that in the field, we are responsible to and for your team."

- "(Y/N)... I had no idea..."- Ashley tried to apologize, I could see it, but it was clear she wasn't going to win that argument- "I am so sorry."

- "I don't know, Seaver. Did you think saying "sorry" would make those families feel better? 'Cos it ain't working here. "Sorry" won't make my mom stop feeling guilty about what happened. And, if things had gotten ugly back there, "sorry" wouldn't have made your mistake go away in case anyone would have gotten hurt. So no. Sorry doesn't help. Maybe it can ease your conscience, but when you really fuck it up, it never makes things better."

(Y/N) stood up and walked back to her seat in front of me. I let her pass and didn't say a word. I knew she wouldn't want to talk about it there. And, of course, Seaver didn't say a word. She just stood up and walked to the back of the jet, to the bathroom. Rossi and Hotch looked at each other and then looked at me.

David poured a glass of whiskey and walked to (Y/N) slowly. He didn't say a word, he just handed it to her, and she just took it and sipped it with shaky hands.

- "Thanks,"- she whispered, and Rossi nodded. Hotch raised an eyebrow, and for a moment, I thought he was going to say something, but he didn't. He just walked to his seat and opened a case file.

I moved back to my seat and opened my satchel. I had run out of candies earlier that day, so I didn't have much to give to her that could make her smile. So I picked a book and handed it to her. She took it and smiled at me kindly. I knew she was fighting back the tears, and I am sure she has held back all the emotions than being with the daughter of the man who killed her aunt since she knew who Seaver was. And she managed to do the job well. I was proud of her.

- "Wanna grab something to eat when we reach DC?"- I whispered, but for the first time ever, she shook her head.

- "I'm gonna have to catch a rain check for that dinner. I think I wanna go straight to my bed today, honey."- she sipped her glass again, and I nodded.

- "Don't worry, next time."

I was waiting for the train to go back home later that night when I saw Seaver sitting at a bench at the station, staring at her hands on her lap. I didn't see her leaving the BAU, though to be honest, I was really focused on finishing my paperwork to go home. (Y/N) had left as soon as we reached DC, but I had stayed a little longer.

I hesitated for a few seconds before I took a few steps closer and waved at Seaver. She looked at me surprised, as soon as she saw me, but didn't move. I smiled, trying to look friendly, and sat next to her.

- "Hi. What are you doing here?"- I asked her, and she shrugged.

- "I was going to go home, but I think I sat here half an hour ago and haven't been able to move,"- I turned to her and shook my head.

- "Do you want to eat something?"- after what had happened at the jet, I figured Ashley wasn't feeling so good, and maybe talking with someone could help her. She looked at me and blushed; I don't know why. But at least, she smiled and nodded.

- "Great, pizza?"

- "Pizza sounds good."

We were waiting for our food and making small talk. I kept giving Ashley pizza facts to fill the silence 'cos it was weird hanging out with Ashley. I didn't know her, really. We had worked a case together, but that didn't mean I knew her. And, of course, we had the whole jet incident. I felt a little guilty about what had happened, though it wasn't my fault at all in retrospect. I just felt like it was my job cheering her up a little bit after everything she had gone through.

- "How do you do it?"- she asked me all of a sudden- "How do you deal with the pressure of this job?"

- "You get used to it, I guess. I don't know if it's a good thing to get used to, but... it comes with the job, I think,"- I didn't know if I was doing ok comforting her. Then again, I have never been particularly good at it. Not then, not now.

- "Did you always dream about doing this?"- she asked me, and her eyes locked into mine in a way that made me feel slightly uncomfortable.

- "Y... yes. Ever since I was a kid, catching the bad guys,"- Seaver nodded and sipped her coke- "You? Why did you get into the academy?"

I regretted my question right after I asked, just 'cos I realized she might have done it to understand her father's behavior. It was only apparent that had shaped her actions.

- "I guess you know that..."- Ashley answered and smiled, her eyes looking straight into mine. I know I blushed. She is a beautiful woman, though I wasn't thinking about her that way. It was an odd feeling being observed that way.

I was glad our pizza made it to the table, and we were forced to stop talking, and I could focus on anything else but her. Not that I didn't want to look at her, but... I think the right way to explain it is to call it "uneasy." That's how I felt. I wanted to be friendly with her, she had a horrible experience consulting with the team, and I was sure she wasn't really having a good day.

- "This might sound weird, but... do you think I can call you sometime?"- Ashley asked after a few minutes. We were eating and talking about nothing important. I nearly chook at her words and looked at her, nodding.

- "Sure, why?"- I didn't mean to be rude. I just didn't know why she might need to talk to me again.

- "I just think maybe you could help me with a few assignments at the academy."

- "Yeah, of course."

Ashley Seaver smiled and nodded at me, pleased. She took a sip of Sprite, and I could read her, trying to find the words to continue speaking.

- "I'm glad. I was sure you were going to say no."

- "Why?"- I furrowed my brows, confused- "I'm not a big fan of phones, but I can handle a casual phone call."

- "No, I just didn't think your girlfriend would like... I mean, I think (Y/N) hates me, and as her boyfriend, I thought you... would... I don't know."

- "I'm, we are... we,"- I was completely flustered as I tried to rearrange my thoughts. Seaver looked at me innocently and waited for my words.

- "(Y/N) isn't my girlfriend"- it bothered me to admit that simple fact. Why? 'Cos it hurt to think we looked like a couple, but we weren't. Why did Seaver think we were together?

- "Really? But..."

- "She is my best friend,"- I explained poorly. She nodded and hesitated before saying what she was thinking. It was obvious she was trying to arrange the words in her head.

- "It's just that you two... sorry, I'm overstepping,"- Ashley blushed and shook her head- "She is... strong."

- "Yes, very."

- "I think I started with the wrong foot with her."

- "Well, I don't mean to justify anything, but if your father hurt,"- I made a pause, trying to find a way to say it that wasn't so painful.

- "Killed. My father killed her aunt,"- she corrected me with a cold and monotonous tone of voice. I just nodded and sipped my water.

- "She is an amazing person,"- I don't know if I was trying to excuse (Y/N)'s earlier behavior or if I just loved her so much I needed to tell people how awesome she was.

- "I'm sure you will pass this,"- I assured her- "Once you get to know her, and she gets to know you."

- "I don't think she will give me that chance. Besides, I was just clear to assist with only one case."

- "If you want to stay, you can request your remedial training be here. And if Hotch approves it, I could talk to (Y/N). I'm sure she will like to know you better."

Why did I say all that? I had no idea.

- "Thank you, Spence. You are really sweet,"- Ashley moved closer and held my hand. I stayed very still, absolutely awkward.

- "Yeah, I don't... like... holding hands,"- I quickly moved it away and tried to smile at her. She stayed still, not understanding my reaction but trying to act normal.

- "Sorry."

- "That's ok. I'm a germaphobe, that's all."

After pizza, we left the place and said goodnight. I told Ashley I was weary (which was, in fact, the truth) and got her a cab to take her home. After that, I walked to my place. I felt like I needed to be alone for a while. My head was overwhelmed, and in the latest couple of weeks, I had severe trouble sleeping.

I had migraines that nearly blinded me. I was scared they meant I could develop the first signs of schizophrenia, like mom, 'cos they were coming more and more often. It wasn't that bad yet, the light didn't hurt my eyes, and I didn't have any sign of hallucination, but still, I knew it could be serious.

I tried to think of a reason why I might be having those severe headaches. I was eating correctly, mostly 'cos (Y/N) forced me to eat. No, she didn't force me, but she made sure I had all my meals at work, not just coffee. And usually, at the weekends, we would spend our time together, and she was a fantastic cook. So it wasn't an alimentary issue.

I wasn't sleeping well. That wasn't new, but it was getting serious. I wrote and read a lot at night 'cos I couldn't fall asleep until late. I didn't know why. I just couldn't rest. My body ached, and my brain wouldn't sleep. The only nights I could actually get some rest were the ones when (Y/N) stayed with me. It was a blessing when Hotch paired us to share rooms, 'cos I could easily fall asleep when she was around. Her presence soothed me in a way that I didn't understand. Let me put it this way, I know it might sound cheesy, but the beating of her heart set the rhythm for my own, and at night it would bring me peace.

I reached home that night and sighed. I knew I wasn't going to rest easy. (Y/N) wasn't there with me. So I made myself a cup of herbal tea, (Y/N) had a lot of those in my house, and I drank them when I missed her. The smell coming from the cup made me feel like she was close.

How pathetic I had become! But I could only share those thoughts with myself. No one knew I had feelings for her, and I was going to deny it till the end, no matter what had JJ said. I couldn't take that phone call from my mind, and on those sleepless nights, I kept overthinking and overanalyzing everything.

I got into bed with a few books and my cup of herbal tea. I took a look at my cell phone, two new messages.

- "I miss u"

(Y/N) sent, and a warm feeling spread on my chest as I imagined her whispering those words as I read them

- "Breakfast tomorrow before work?"

- "See you at seven-thirty."

I typed and sent it.

What could ever happen if I told her how much in love I am with her? I would lose her, and I'd be alone. She didn't feel that way for me. It was a fact. I was just glad she was my best friend, and I could share everything with her. Was I pathetic? Yes, very, but in a way, it felt it was just all I deserved. Not more, not less. Just being in love with a girl who didn't love me back.

At least she wasn't dating Paul anymore. I hated that guy.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Spencer was waiting for me outside our usual coffee shop, already holding two cups of coffee. His short hair looked dreamy as she smiled and took off his sunglasses. It had to be illegal being that hot. But, seriously, how didn't he get laid? He was fucking dreamy. In the four years we had been best friends, I saw Spencer in many hairstyles, and each of them made him look like a model.

Falling in love with Spencer Reid had been a process I hadn't actually been fully aware of. But I was completely conscious I needed to hide those feelings from him and from everybody at the BAU.

Ok, fine, I had somehow faced part of those feelings in front of my drunk best buddies at Penelope's house, but I never actually confirmed anything. I had just... shared some of my frustrations, I guess.

- "Good morning, honey bunny,"- I smiled and sighed as I stood in front of Spencer, watching him grin back at me and hand me one of the coffee cups.

- "Good morning, chipmunk. Did you get some rest?"

- "Yes, I fell asleep as soon as I reached my bed. I was exhausted."

- "I'm glad you are fully rested."

- "What did you do yesterday?"

- "Nothing,"- he answered quickly and turned around- "I got you a carrot muffin to go."

- "Thank you so much. I'm starving. I didn't even have dinner yesterday."

- "Really?"

- "I told you, I reached home and crawled into my bed."

We walked outside the coffee shop in silence. Spencer bit his donuts, and I ate my muffin. It was nice and calming being with him doing domestic things in life.

I hated how much in love I was with him 'cos I knew I had to shake that feeling away. He was never going to have feelings for me. I was a regular human being, and Spencer Walter Reid was a genius. He deserved better, he was actually never to think about me that way, and I refused to ruin our friendship with those feelings.

- "So, Comic-con is coming. What are we doing this year?"- I asked as I drove us to Quantico.

- "I was thinking we should do something classic,"- he looked at me, nearly beaming on his seat- "We haven't done Star Wars yet."

- "Really?"- I frowned, confused- "All these years? Are you sure?"

- "(Y/N), eidetic memory,"- he argued, and I chuckled- "So, how do you feel about Leia?"

- "Do I have to be Leia 'cos I'm a girl?"- I asked him, and he flustered right away.

- "What? No, you can be whoever you want to be. I was just, it came to my mind... I didn't,"- I giggled and looked at him for a second.

- "I'm messing with you, Batsy. I always wanted to dress as Leia. Surprisingly, I never had. Padme once, it was a mess, but never Leia. Who are you planning to be?"

- "Maybe Luke... or Obi-Wan. Morgan suggested C3PO once."

- "If I'm Leia, you should be Han,"- I don't know why I said that out loud. I thought about it, I pictured it in my head, but I knew I shouldn't have said it. Then why did those words leave my mouth? I don't know.

- "Han Solo... yes... yeah, sure. Of course! We can pick our outfits this weekend."

- "Great! What do you think would look better? Slave Leia or classic all in white Leia?"- Spencer didn't answer. He just sipped his coffee and looked outside the window.

- "You would look good in both,"- his cellphone interrupted our conversations, and I thought it might be a case. But I was so wrong, it hurt.

- "Hello? Oh, hi, Ashley,"- I nearly hit the break as soon as I heard him saying her name, but instead, I turned around and looked at him.

- "Good, yes. On my way to work with (Y/N). Oh, that's good."

I didn't care what she was saying. I just needed to know why that bitch was calling him. I was blind in jealousy, and I was having a hard time hiding it.

- "Really? Emily? That's... that's great. Sure, we'll see you around, gotta go. Bye."

- "What the fuck?"- I swear, I didn't think what I was saying. Those words just slip through my lips straight from my guts. I hated Seaver.

- "That was Ashley."

- "Figured when you said "Hi Ashley." What? Are you best friends with her now?"

- "What? No! No way! She just wanted to say hi... and... She.... asked for my number 'cos she wanted to help her with some of the academy's projects,"- Spencer was so nervous he actually stuttered as he answered my simple question.

- "Of course, she did,"- my voice was bitter and hurt, but most of all, ironic. And I don't know if Spencer didn't want to understand me or actually didn't get the hint, but he just continued talking.

- "She wanted to tell me she requested her remedial training be at the BAU."

- "What?!"- that wasn't subtle. I actually yelled- "I'm gonna have to see her again?"

- "If Hotch approves..."

- "Fuck!! That's awful!!"- I hit the wheel, frustrated.

- "She's not a bad person, (Y/N). Her dad was a murderer, but that doesn't mean..."- I turned to look at Spencer for a second, and he just shut up- "Sorry."

- "I don't like her, Spencer."

- "Yes, I know."

- "Her dad killed my aunt!!"

- "I know..."

- "And on top of that, that bitch is..."

I had to bite my lips and focus on the road, actually holding my breath for a few seconds, just not to open my mouth and ruin it all.

The main reason why I hated Ashley Seaver wasn't just because of what her father had done. That itself was enough to keep her away. But on top of that, she was flirting with Spencer. She wasn't even subtle about it; she was nearly all over him. I saw her! She wanted him, and he had no idea! He was blind to her attention. Unless he liked it. Did he? Shit, I hoped not.

- "She what?"- Spencer whispered, scared of my reaction.

- "She plays the pity card the whole time. Bad things happen to all of us. You don't have to make it who you are, she does, and she expects sympathy."

I grabbed my muffin and took a big bite of it. Spencer sighed and stayed quiet for a moment, giving me space to decompress, I think.

- "Did you know the origins of carrot cake are disputed by many countries?"- I looked at Spencer, and he nodded- "Many food historians believe carrot cake originated from the English recipe of carrot puddings, eaten by Europeans in the Middle Ages when sugar and sweeteners were expensive, and many people used carrots as a substitute for sugar."

- "My mom would fight all those historians and convince them she invented it. Her carrot cake is the best."

- "And I would agree, the cake she baked for your last birthday was amazing."- I nodded and heard him chuckle as I kept my eyes on the road. I wanted to focus on the memories of my last birthday and how fun it was, but something was bugging me.

- "And why did she call you to tell you what she wanted to do?"- I parked the car outside the BAU and turned to Spencer. He opened his mouth, but no word came from it. So I asked him again.

- "Honey, why did Seaver call you to announce she would take the remedial training at the BAU?"

- "It... might... had been my idea,"- he whispered and held his satchel tight against his body. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe it.

- "Why on earth did you do that, Spencer?!"- I shouted as I got out of the car, grabbed my purse, my clean go bag in case we had a case, and started walking towards the building.

- "It wasn't like a suggestion. She just..."

- "I can't believe it!!"

- "It doesn't have to be that bad! It's just for a few weeks..."

- "Hopefully, Hotch won't accept."

- "(Y/N), come on,"- Spencer held my hand and stopped me- "This is not like you. Yeah, you don't like her, but you are making it a big deal, and it's not."

- "I'm starting to think you are crushed on her,"- I didn't want to say those words. They just slipped.

- "What!? Why? No!! I'm not!"- the high pitch on Spencer's voice was a clear sign of how uncomfortable he was with the conversation.

- "Then why are you defending her?"

- "I am not! I'm just saying maybe you are acting a little bit... irrational about this whole thing. She hasn't done anything bad."

- "Other than jeopardizing the whole case yesterday?"

- "Right, other than that..."

I felt Spencer's hand in mine, and I swear, I couldn't stop thinking about how it felt. It kept sending shivers all over my body. His thumb rubbed small circles on my skin, probably trying to calm me down, and it worked. I followed it with my eyes for a second as I took a few deep breaths and nodded.

- "Ok, I won't make a big deal if she stays."

- "Thank you."

- "Just... don't ask me to be her friend."

- "You don't have to be her friend."

Spencer stood in front of me and smiled. I swear all I could think of was kissing him. And a part of me felt it was getting harder and harder to resist. He put on his sunglasses and kept his hand in mine for a moment until Penelope's voice took us from our little bubble.

- "Good morning, my wonder babies!! Ready to fight crime?"

I actually didn't know what I was getting into.

Hotch had taken the day off. We were around the one-year anniversary of Haley's death, and according to what Rossi explained to us, Jack wasn't feeling so good. It was said it would be just a day or two, but I had the feeling it might be a couple of weeks. Hotch would always put himself second, but he would do whatever it took to keep him safe when it came to his son.

Morgan had been asked to take a trip to Petersburg Federal Correctional Complex to do a risk assessment on a case, so Spencer, Prentiss, and I were in the bullpen. Garcia was in her office, and Rossi was in a meeting with Strauss. I'd say it was a very calm morning, catching up with all the pending paperwork we had. Spencer had just gotten me a cup of coffee when I heard Seaver's cheerful voice.

- "Hi guys!"- she walked in with a big smile and waved- "How are you?"

Spencer looked at me as we all said our hellos. I could almost read "Please, be nice" written all over his face, and for a moment, I was willing to do as told. I didn't want him to suspect why I was so annoyed by her after all.

- "I talked to Hotch"- Emily smiled at Seaver and moved a chair for her- He signed off your remedial training, and I'll be your training agent. I'll supervise your work. I already told Rossi too, so it's official.

Ashley jumped from her chair and hugged Emily. I rolled my eyes and stared at the file on my desk. I really wasn't ready to deal with her. I wasn't prepared to deal with someone trying to steal Spencer from me.

Ok, Spencer wasn't mine to keep, but we had been inseparable for four years, and I didn't want to lose that. I didn't want to lose him.

I had never been ready to deal with Spencer dating other girls. The few times girls had hit on him had been awful. Once, Morgan took him to a club when we were on a case, 'cos the unsub was picking his victims there, and he taught him how to pick up girls. The bartender ended up giving him her number 'cos my dorky best friend was charming. Derek still remembered that moment from time to time, quoting it as "The day he turned Spencer into a man."

I loved Derek, but fuck, I hated him sometimes.

- "Welcome to the team,"- Spencer waved at Seaver from his desk and turned to me, raising an eyebrow.

- "Yeah, welcome,"- I added and cut her a short smile.

- "I'm thrilled to join you guys for a few weeks. I always dreamt of being here. I'm ready for making it up after the last case."

- "Don't be so hard on yourself,"- Prentiss interrupted her and smiled friendly- "You remained calm under pressure, and the case was solved. That's all that matters."

I had to control myself not to snort after Emily's words. Instead, I kept my eyes locked on my desk like I had done before. I was so focused on it that I could have actually developed telekinesis skills and moved the freaking file with my eyes.

- "I just wanted to say thank you to all of you,"- Seaver's voice was soft, in a mix of fear, excitement, and... something else I couldn't read.

- "Especially you, Spencer. I really enjoyed our talk last night, and I have the feeling I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Thank you for the pizza. I owe you dinner."

- "Don't, it was nothing,"- Spencer flustered and stood up quickly, grabbing his pile of files and walking away, arguing he needed to ask Garcia something.

I did my best not to move a muscle. I didn't want Seaver to know how much I hated the fact she had shared what seemed to be a lovely evening with Spencer. One he didn't actually mention when we talked about what we had done the previous evening. Why did he decide to keep me in the dark? I couldn't understand that. Maybe he just didn't want me to know he actually had feelings for Seaver. Maybe he had asked her out, and because he knew I hated her (though he really didn't know why), he decided not to tell me what was going on.

I had been wasting all that time in love with Spencer. I knew I would never act on those feelings, and clearly, he didn't have feelings for me. So... maybe it was time to let him go.

How could I let Spencer Reid go when I never actually had him?

–

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Next update: June 16th, 2021

[jungleslut101]

I'm taking you home little lamb.

Summary-  The deputy has been MIA for 3 months and the seeds take matters in their own hands when everyone else come back without their lost lamb.

                   __________________

The last everyone heard or seen the deputy was when she was taking out one of Jacobs wolf beacon. That was 3 months ago, no one has heard about her after that, even though it's been better for the cult,Joseph won't stop begging his brothers to go and look for their lamb together.

Which is why they are  walking through a deep forest in the cold autumn weather. One of Jacobs men reported that there's been sight of the deputy deep in these woods.

After walking around 10 miles they come upon an abandoned rusted cabin. They slowly head for the door, hearing no sounds they doubt she's here but it's worth to check. John carefully opens the cracked door with Jacobs rifle pointed at it and Joseph's pistol in hand just for precaution.

They can slightly see inside pass the threshold but still no sight of the lamb."I'll go first just incase there are traps" Jacob whispers and they both nod

"Be careful brother and don't hurt her if you find her" Joseph whispers back. The brothers give him a weird look.

Jacob walks in checking inside each room he passes until he approaches the messy kitchen connected to the living room. He approaches where he can see a fire place just barely staying lit with a couch facing it. Either some one is here or been here.

Jacob stops dead in his tracks when he sees the woman who's been ruining their lives for the past 6 months sleeping soundly on the couch with blankets covering her lower half. He must be hallucinating there's no way he caught the she devil this easily, this must be a really good trap or a really sick joke either way he slowly takes coordinated steps towards her but she still doesn't stir even slightly.

Jacob reaches for his receiver radioing his brothers. "She's here" he whispers. After a minute John and Joseph find their way to the leaving room seeing their brother kneeling beside the couch.

"Come here,slowly" they both comply but no one prepared them for the image In front of them. They're little lamb sleeping on the couch looking so innocent.

"Who would've believe she's the devil who's brought havoc upon years of hard work" John scoffed making Jacob chuckle and Joseph giving them both side glares.

"I can feel the heat coming off her body " Joseph deliberately starts moving his hands towards her face just touching her cheek with a feathers touch. "She looks so harmless and angelic" he makes himself chuckle a bit  Jacob and John watching his movements like a hawks eye finding it a little unusual that their brother act this kind towards her after everything she did. "Let's take our little lamb home" Joseph moves some of her hair that has fallen on her face behind her ear making her stir and wake.

Rook doesn't acknowledge her surroundings immediately but when she does see her 3 enemy's she's been trying to rid of for so long all looking at her  she jolts upright from the couch making Joseph fall flat on his back with her sudden movement. Before she can reach the other side of the couch where she left her shotgun Jacob grabs her ankle making her fall on her stomach. The air gets knocked out of her so she turns while taking greedy gulps of air,but that is short lived when Jacob crushes her body with his own making her breath hitch again.

"And where do you think you're going so soon pup? We just found you" he grins down wolfishly at her making her tremble from fear.

"Jake your scaring our dearest deputy get off the poor girl for fuck sake" John couldn't hide the excitement from his voice which made her more nervous.

"Brother John is right we don't want to scare our lamb back in to hiding" Jacob slowly removed his weight from her but he still had her trapped with his thighs on either side of her hips and a little weight on her pelvic region.

She whimpered a little, her mind still hazy from sleep. Maybe she was having a nightmare this can't be real. Jacob shifts his weight a little making her moan in discomfort. Not realising she's only wearing panties and a loose Metallica shirt making her legs and thighs bare for their prying eyes.

She's getting a little flustered so she bucks her hip to try and escape from Jacobs hold which has Jacob lose his balance and almost crush her with his weight if it wasn't for his fast reflexes, holding himself up with his palms flat next to her head. "Careful kitten" his tone is low and predatory, she can feel his hot breath on her face making her stomach churn.

"Get the fuck off me seed" she bucks her hip with more strength this time hitting her stomach with his making both of them gasp unintentionally. Her from pain him from surprise.

"My child calm yourself we're not here to hurt you"

"Shut the fuck up hipster Jesus and you ginger fuck I told you to get off of me"

She glares at Joseph then at Jacob whose expression is still shocked

"My my deputy who knew such vile words could come from someone like you" John laughs.

"Johnny quiet for once, I think the deputy has something to tell us huh pup isn't that right ?" He gives her that damn smirk again.

"I have nothing to tell you fucking peggies now Get Off!"

"What are you talking about Jake" John asks with curiosity.

"Well since our dear lamb won't share with the family I will." He carefully flattens his hand on her stomach where he can feel a bump there." Our deputy has a little pup on the way isn't that right?" He laughs manically. He wasn't sure at first when the baby bump hit him in his abdomen but now that he touched it his 100% sure.

Joseph gasps "What are you talking about brother? Do you mean she's pregnant" Jacob nods still rubbing rook's baby bump.

She starts getting flustered again and this time she thrashes to get the mountain Man off. John looks dumbfounded but snaps himself out of it when he sees her struggle. " Jake you should probably get off of her. You're stressing her out." Jacob nods and slowly gets off of her making her exhale the long breath she's been holding in.

"Don't fucking act like it's your asshole."

"Hmm of course my dear but if I may who exactly is the father of your unborn child? I hope you at least keep count of the many sins you commit" his statement makes rook laugh madly.

"Oh Johnny, I'll let your brother do the math on that one" John furrows his brows then looks at Jacob making her laugh more "oh no honey don't look at him. Look at your other brother, the holiest man of all, The Father." They all turn to Joseph to see him pale with his mouth agape. "Ohh he didn't tell you? Well you see after a month into the fighting, your brother radioed me, asking to meet him at where all of it started so we can put an end to it. At first I wasn't gonna go cause like who's dumb enough to go, well I was I thought I was gonna go kill him which would make it easier for the resistance to take back the county. But when I got to the church and I saw the Holly man himself shirtless with sweat coating his skin something snapped or maybe I was just too horny." She heard Jacob chuckle  "Anyway one thing led to another the next thing we knew he was fucking me on his Pulpit, the Holy man fucking the heathen in the place of God, The place where he gives his sermons to his beloved children The Father fucking me all raw and roug.."

"I've Heard Enough!" Joseph yelled making her stop talking. "You know my dear rook you didn't have to go into details." He kneeled Infront of her taking her head in between his calloused hands. "You should've told me you were carrying my child I would've--"

"You would've what Joseph huh? All you were gonna do is put a huge target on my back. You know what will happen if the resistance find out I'm carrying one of the greatest cult leaders child, they'll find me and rip the child out of me while I'm still conscious."

"You think I would let that happen, you think any of us would let someone near the mother of my child. Do you think this wickedly of me? " Joseph sounded sad which made rook a little sad.

"Get up my dear we're taking you to my bunker where it's safe" John chirped in all happy and excitedly. "After all can't have the mother of my brother's child in danger."

"He's right pup you already look weak and malnourished. If you want the baby coming out healthy and well you need to be somewhere stress free and safe."

"I'm fine right where I am, it's safe here"

"Not anymore my little lamb. I'm sorry but I'm gonna take you to one of my brothers bunkers whether you like it or not. I prefer it be willingly" she looked at him for a while looking for anything in his expression but nothing just that cool calm face he always wore. She nodded making them all sigh in relief. "John,Jacob please go pack everything our rook has, the sooner we get to the bunkers the better." They both nodded and got to work.

Joseph slowly brought his hand up and layed it on her stomach were he could feel the bump. She gasped not expecting him to do that. "I didn't know I was pregnant you know. But after 2 months in to it Kim was the one who told me I was showing the signs she experienced so she gave me a test. I was hoping for it to come back negative but something in the deepest part of my heart also hoped for it to come as positive" she laughed with tears perked up in her eyes some falling free even though she tried hard not to let them.

He caressed her stomach with light touches not realising his eyes was also welling up with tears. She brought her hands to his cheek wiping the tears that came free something that was too intimate for them both but somehow felt right. Joseph brought his forehead to hers closing his eyes just enjoying the moment.

Not knowing what she was doing she touched her lips to his so lightly that he barely felt it. When he didn't pull away she deepened the kiss a little making him grab her neck with his other hand that wasn't rubbing her stomach to deepen it even more. This didn't feel wrong at all. Maybe the baby would be the sign of hope in this hell. The hope everyone needed.

"Let's take you home little lamb"

The End.

[danceing-spelled-wrong]

Made a Grumpus OC

They're just one of few of them..not sure if I'll draw any of them, I drew them because..I'm bored

I have a grumpsona in mind..but I'm not finish with it's design

I guess I'll explain them

Amly Ductforce(I'm bad at names) came to Snaktooth island because they were bored and needed a vacation from their "job"

He's gender-fluid and doesn't mind people getting his pronouns wrong when he doesn't feel that gender, but some just call him a "They" and that's fine by him

One thing that she's really good at, is lying and stealing. When she came to Snaktooth Island, she started her hobby right away and stole some things from Wambus which got him pretty upset

He gives everyone nicknames despite not liking anyone besides Cromdo

She likes order yet enjoys chaos, sometimes, she would plant random objects that belong to the residents in each other's huts to start up something

When the town split, he went to the Boiling Bay due to the nice warm yet cold feel to it and because she wanted to steal stuff from Floofty

They're probably in their late 40s early 50s

Her and Cromdo get along for the most part as long as she doesn't steal anything from him

In their hut, they have a lot of stolen objects, most from Wambus

Their hut is beside Liz and Egg's hut but is to the right of the beach

If he was in the game, then you'd meet them the same time you meet Floofty

She doesn't like Lizbert because she always calls her out on the stuff she steals, same for Beffica

Due to his hatred to Lizbert, he shares the same hatred towards Eggabell but doesn't go out his way to steal from her, seeing her as too fragile

He's scared of Chandlo(because he would snap her like a twig), Shelda(because she acts like a cult leader), and Gramble(because he's too nice)

If they get caught stealing, they lie about it and theres a 90% chance it'll work due to their confident sounding voice and being a bit manipulative

Dialogue in game:

What everyone thinks of them

Filbo:

"Oh..them? They're..ok, as long as they don't cause any trouble.."

Wambus:

"...."

Beffica:

"She's just a thief, no wonder her and Cromdo work so well together, they're nothing but squeebs."

Gramble:

"I never spoke to him before..but..I don't think he likes me very much.."

Wiggle:

"She stole my banjo and said she wanted to play a song, but then she threw it off a cliff! I'm so glad I have fast reflexives."

Snorpy:

"All they do is steal stuff! Then lie about stealing that stuff! I haven't gotten my inventions back in 3 months!"

Cromdo:

"Ah..that grump is something all right..greatest business partner ever, she and I are gonna rule the money world!"

Triffany:

"Oh..Amly? I don't come in contact with her often but Wamby doesn't like her."

Chandlo:

"After they stole my balls AND Snorpy's inventions, I promised to never speak to them for the rest of my life bro!"

Floofty:

"I don't appreciate them stealing my leg or my notes. If given the chance, I would experiment on them."

Shelda:

"Do not speak of thy name who gladly would turn his back on us if given the chance!"

Cemi:

"Nope. I don't like her at all..she's not that attractive..and she hangs with Cromdo."

Charlia:

"I really don't like it when she tries to remove my arm..it hurts my feelings.."

Being asked about Floofty:

"I like stealing their stuff but if I offered to help them, I think they'll kill me."

Meeting them:

"Woah..a new face! I haven't seen anyone new around here in..grumping forever!"

"Who are ya and why are you talking to me?"

*explains*

"Oh! You're that amateur journalist Lizzie was talking about! I thought you were never coming, isn't this grand? New faces! New people! New stuff to..borrow!"

"I'm Amly Dustforce, the ruler of Snaktooth island!"

Will you come back to town?

"Wait..town? No way..if Cromy's not there, then I'm not going!"

"Also, I'm a little parched, can ya get me a Sqaquiri? I'd drink those things, everyday of the week, maybe we can..cut a deal, how's that sound doll?"

*Caught Sqaquiri*

"Now THAT was a refreshing beveridge, thanks doll!"

"So, ya want me to come back to town? Well, I might need some convincing, I want ya to find out what that Filbo kid does when nobody's lookin, I could use it for..things."

*You find out what Filbo does*

"HA! Are you serious?! Oh jezz, and I thought he couldn't be more of a squeeb! HAHA! Goodness..that's a laugh I needed..ha!"

"Good to know theres some things to see in town, but I'm more interested in WHAT is in town."

"For ya final task, I want ya to steal Beffica's diary..then rip out some pages that are interesting, and give them to me. Easy."

*You grab the pages*

"Sweet! Good job my messenger grump!"

"*sigh*, I think I'm ready to go to town..but..first I want you to get Cromy in town."

But you said that was the final task

"I lied."

"Get Cromy in town and I'll follow right behind, deal?"

*Cromdo is in town*

"Wow! That was..slow but it'll do!"

"Thanks doll, looking forward to chatting with ya! Farewell!"

Interview:

Have time for an interview?

"Interview? That sounds fun! I'm in."

Who are you?

"Amly Ductforce, it's pronounced Aim-ly. Strange. I know."

Why come to Snaktooth Island?

"I heard of Lizzie's stupid conspiracy on TV, I was about to change the channel when I heard there was an island involved, and I just so happened to be looking for a place to host my vacation. So I packed up and lied about being interested in her expedition."

Vacation from what?

"My life. My job. My family. Everything basically."

Thoughts on Bugsnax?

"I guess they're ok, the names could be better..but some taste pretty good. Note, keep away from the Aggroll."

Why?

"Because those things will break some bones and the flavor isn't even worth it! Also because it's named after someone I'm not found of."

Why did you leave town?

"I could handle the drama between Wamby and Gram, but once Cromy left, I had no reason to stay. I wanted to follow him, but I decided to live near the beach instead, so yeah."

What do you think about Cromdo?

"Me and him have a pretty decent relationship, I give him what he wants and he takes the fall for me. Simple business."

Are you planning on betraying him?

"No way, he's cool, I don't consider him a friend, but he's still great to work with."

Any info on Lizbert?

"Liz..I grumping hate her! She keeps saying I stole stuff from her, I would never do such a thing! If she didn't have that little obstacle beside her, I would burn her hut down!"

Woah, calm down. Who's this obstacle?

"I am calm..just speaking out my mind. And I'm talking about Eggabell. The doctor? Lizzie's girlfriend? Eggy bell? Yeah. She and her are like..two papers in a file. Theres nothing you can do to separate those two."

What happened to Lizbert?

"If we're being honest, I'm not sure."

Are you lying?

"Heh. For once in my life, no. I really don't know what happened to Lizzie, she went up that mountain and didn't come back."

How do you know she went up the mountain?

"I saw her."

Why didn't you tell anyone?

"I did. Nobody besides Cromy believed me, guess that's the price being the best liar in the world."

That'll be it. Thank you

"No problem doll, that was pretty fun! Here, have this!"

*stolen piece of journal paper*

"Found it while cleaning Lizzie's hurt, it might help ya in someway. Any who, I gotta run, farewell!"

Side Quests:

"Heya doll, you won't believe what I discovered! It'll help ya find Liz!"

What?

"First..get me a Poptick..it's very important."

Why?

"Trust me! It's super super SUPER important!

Sure, I guess

"Caramel please."

*Got the Poptick*

"Perfect..now..I need a Snaquiri.."

Are you going to tell me why?

"Nope. Make it quick! I have a feeling my brain's about to forget everyone!"

*Got the Snaquiri*

"Good..now..I need a Cheery, that'll be all to finish this!"

I have a feeling you're lying

"I'm hurt."

Fine.

"Hurry up! I'm losing my life force!"

*Got the Cheery*

"Alright..now-"

*silence*

What?

"That's it. I was just hungry."

Why did you say it was important

"There was no way you'd do it if I asked, so I just..slightly lied."

Slightly?!

"Calm down doll! Everything fine! Nobody got hurt.."

You have a lying problem

"I know..but I can't do anything about it, it's the only thing I got."

"When you're a liar, nobody wants to be around you, nobody likes you..and nobody will trust you."

"Ever since birth, I lied, stole, and broke so many things, nobody wants anything to do with me. I had no friend and my family kept saying I was a bad person..so I don't talk to them anymore."

"Lying is all I got left doll and if I stop, I got nothing. So I'm not stopping anytime soon, so deal with it."

"Thanks for the food..farewell."

Welcome back message:

"Oh..you're..back."

"Heya Wamby, didn't know you'd be back either! How sweet! The gangs coming back!"

"Amly, if you go near my farm-"

"What? Me? Go near your farm? No way! I would never!"

"Don't think that everyone things you're a saint! Only Cromdo thinks that!"

"I don't think I am one, but it's nice knowing you think so!"

"Just stay away from my farm."

"Deal. Happy catching up with you!"

Major Celebration Dialogue:

"You know, Cromby..maybe we should take a break from our business, we're making a few people upset by it."

"Agreed. What should we do to be occupied til then?"

"Hm..maybe we could sell Bugsnax? I could..borrow that trap the journalist uses."

"Yeah..yeah I like that idea!"

"It's settled! Cromy and Amly's marketing lives on!"

"We need a better name."

"Yeah.."

*approaching him*

"Heya doll, how's the party?"

*asked to dance*

"Sorry, but I'm working. Maybe when we sell out."

*sold out*

"Wow! That was quick, how's about a dance Cromy?"

"You bet! Meet you on the dance floor!"

Reaction to partner(I guess..he paired with Cromdo and Beff):

Cromdo: "Grumping..NO!"

Beffica: "Wait..no..what..what's going on?!"

Dying message:

"I'm nothing but a liar..a cold..worthless liar. I hurt so many people..no wonder I have no friends..at least I got bugsnax.."

Final message(Good ending):

"What the ever grump was all that?! Why..did...oh zonk who cares?We're alive! Ha ha! Amly lives to see a new day!

You know..after all of this..I think I'll finally turn over that new leaf..I'll quit my job..and start fresh in the country. I should also apologize to everyone I hurt, so..sorry doll, I stole your pen...

Geez that took a lot out of me! Ah! This'll be hard!

But..it feels..kinda nice..guess I shouldn't wait around..farewell, til we cross paths again, doll."

Final message(Bad ending)

"What..the grump? Cromdo..he's..gone. This..makes me..realize..our lives are so..fragile, I..shouldn't waste it..

Oh Cromdo..if I known that..I would have put myself in your place

At least..maybe we could be together..again

Business partners forever...ha.."

I over complicate everything

[taramaclaywasaterf]

:( man. The terf hate thing doesn't bother me most of the time but like. When u see a group of people who you like/ consider to be thoughtful people/ admire for their activism say these things.... Like I'm scared to talk about it but I'm sure (n this has happened many times before) that if u have a convo w anti terf peeps but make sure to use the correct™ genderist language they'll agree w us. Idk this just really sucks and I wish they could see things as they are. How do you deal with this?

Honey I really wish I had an answer. I 1000% know what you’re talking about. I wish I could say there was some magic way to not let it bother you, but I can’t. I CAN say though that it gets a lot easier. Like, I don’t bat an eye at people telling me to get raped or kill myself or whatever in my inbox anymore. I actually kinda find it amusing lol. And if it’s not on anon, I’ll just go report the person who sent it and then block them, because they’re not worth my time. But what gets me sometimes is the same thing you talked about. When it’s people I thought would be smart enough to, ya know, not defend literal grown ass men putting on tutus and calling themselves 5 year old girls named, like, Vixxen.

So I guess my advice to you is advice that I need to remind myself of too. Instead of letting it get us frustrated or angry, let’s just take it head on. Fuck it. Seriously, just say fuck it. When it’s someone like a celebrity or something, there’s no way we’re gonna be able to talk to them, let alone change their mind. So it’s not worth being upset about. Who cares what they believe? They probably haven’t paid their taxes in a decade, so who cares. If it’s someone you know, obviously it’s a lot more difficult. I’m very strategically only friends with people who don’t buy into all the trans bullshit, but A LOT of my cousins are very, uh...libfemmy. But I just talk about my opinion on things to them anyway. I use the liberal language a bit more because it does make people not immediately tune out, which helps a lot. It’s better to keep calm, and just talk. Not yell, but be clear you’re not gonna fall for the victim charade when they start quoting the “1 in 12” nonsense or whatever else the trans cult has came up with. And go in knowing you’re not gonna change their minds, and that that’s ok. Seriously, it’s totally and completely 100% ok if you don’t change anybody’s mind. Lord knows I’ve tried with several people and they’re still out there thinking dicks can be female lol

Most importantly, if you find yourself too jaded or too tired of all this shit, please just click right out of this hellsite. Seriously. This place is poison, it really is. It’s gonna be hard now with the whole worldwide quarantine and all...but real life activism is important. I guess I lied earlier lol, I do have somewhat of an answer for you on how I handle all this bullshit when I get down. I work with young pregnant women and girls as a volunteer. I’ve been in their shoes, and it really helps to have someone who knows what it’s like. By the time I found out about my own pregnancy as a result of rape as a teenager, it was too late to legally abort it. The family that i chose to adopt the baby got me a midwife, and that midwife and I became very close. Now, she introduces me to other pregnant young women and girls she meets through her own volunteer work, and I walk them through all their options: abortion, keeping it, open adoption, closed adoption, etc. and I give them my phone number and let them know they can call me whenever they need to talk. I go with them as a friend to get the abortion if they want, or to look through books of adoptive families and help them choose between the ones they like.

The reason I’m saying all this is because volunteering like that, being there for these girls in a way that no one was really there for me...it keeps me sane, honestly. Whenever I’m bummed about something stupid a TIM did or said, I remember that I’ve done more for women than he could ever even dream of. That I’ve left a positive impact out there, on the real, tangible, physical world. So, if you can, I highly recommend volunteering somewhere. I know it sounds cheesy as shit, but really. And idk how old you are, but if you’re in highschool, a lot of colleges like to see volunteer work on applications, so it could be good for your future, too! It doesn’t even have to be about feminism. Go volenteer to walk dogs at your local pet shelter, or help out at a homeless shelter. Another thing I do when my disability acts up really bad and I’m incapable of leaving my bed is I do free design work for local charities and feminist groups. So if you’re artistic, reach out to any small charity you like and ask if they need someone to design some posters, tee shirts, or images for their website!

Even in quarantine, shelter animals need to be taken care of, charities/non profits need websites maintained, women’s shelters need pads and tampons, homeless people need food....there’s still so much you can do. So yeah, that’s definitely my recommendation. Fuck these assholes, ok? Who gives a shit what they think. Who gives a fuck if some man thinks we’re bitches for refusing to call him a woman. Who cares. We’re better than that. You’re better than that. It’s really hard, I know, but I promise it does get easier to laugh at it all💕

[punkscowardschampions]

Fearghal & Kaitlin

Fearghal: [So the setup is sending her a postcard pretending to be a mate visiting in England for whatever reason (could be fam you get the vibe, nothing suspect given the time this is) but giving enough info that she 1. Knows it is him 2. has the number of at least a phonebox nearby if not a phone in his care home 3. a time when he plans to first call the phonebox nearest their home in Ireland, assumedly this is some sneaky twin shit they've pulled similar enough before that she can catch on without any of the rest of the fam also doing so; only question is how long do we want it to be since he left?] Kaitlin: [3 months ish later then and they've turned 15 but only just for our ref how do we think the situation is with his dad etc like would he just be acting like he's dead cos is to him?] Fearghal: [basically my vibe was they wanted to weaponize Tabby killing herself for their gain, like make it something political even though literally not about that bar the fact her family and his family and co didn't want them together and she was a dramatic teenage girl in love (no offense but like) and so when he wouldn't go along with that there was a massive fight, actual, between him and his dad and then Fearghal left 'cos there's never any option but to do as your told with this fam and he can't lose face with all the other people etc etc and the story the dad is telling the fam etc is that Fearghal deserted them which not untrue but yeah, good enough for all the olders to disown him too so it'd be like we don't talk about him and if someone else bring him up you denounce him] Kaitlin: [let's say there's a crying baby in the background cos like in my OG post she can use her youngest sister needing fresh air as an excuse so casually left her outside the phonebox but might be able to hear her if she's going for it] Kaitlin: How ya Fearghal: K? Fuck's sake, you've not had a bastard, have ya? 's'not been that long, like Kaitlin: Catch yourself on! mind how ya ma was fit to drop, you eejit? well we're all lurred she had another girl who I'm hauling about as my cover, so I am Fearghal: [Laughs] Still easy to windup then [slight pause to take in that it's a girl and is here, like not the biggest shock but also literally no way of knowing at this time so] And go on, don't leave me in suspense, what name they burden the poor fucker with Kaitlin: [makes an unimpressed noise like fuck off] full of that good craic you are, bet the brits are buzzing to hear it. You ready? Niamh Roisin, it's a cracker, like [sighs] Fearghal: [laughs some more] Yeah, catch me on that most wanted list, obviously [makes a wincing noise like no] Christ, actually lost it fully then, has she? Made it longer than some but dunno if mentals get to heaven, haveta ask Father Quigley, like Kaitlin: [laughs herself] yeah yeah [makes like a idk noise] can you lose what you've never had? A good catholic'll find a way, to be sure, and she is that, our ma [makes a scornful noise at the mention of the priest as is standard for her] Fearghal: [makes a mm noise to agree] Suppose so, don't reckon much was said 'bout being good to 'em once you had 'em, so be alright [sighs] What have you been up to, then...How's it been Kaitlin: if it was she'd recite between the lines to keep us anyone's problem but hers, poor critter [sarcastic laugh because mum's getting no real sympathy] it could've been 3 days from when you went off for what's changed and not- [a long pause because everything's shit and we know it is] Fearghal: What's God if not top babysitter, eh? Cheaper than telly and who's giving money to the BBC [scoffs but cuts it short 'cos yep] And I'm fine too, you rude cow Kaitlin: and stand him next to our earthly da and he comes out lookin' class [chefs kiss noise] Hey now! [makes a fake noise of shock like she's appalled at the mention of the bbc] watch your profanity around me, dicko! [really long exaggerated sigh as a pisstake] a'course you are, land well anywhere, but hit me with your bars, it's no bother to hear how right I am Fearghal: If you can get him stand still long enough, like and you ain't a lad so no chance, babe [does pisstake wistful sigh] Forgot you needed protecting from the evils of this world, my apologies [coughs awkwardly then, stalling for time, fiddling with the phone in ways she can probably hear] Taking a bow as we speak, can't fit in here with me but the adoring fans are aplenty over this way, well more than there so fuck it, life's grand so it is Kaitlin: Wise up, boy, he only sways slightly of an evening on these ones lately so he does [but her voice is MAD because fuck being a girl in this fam] Did you now? Thank fuck my new lad has his uses then, like [takes a deep breath to try and calm down but exaggerates it for the pisstake because have to, god forbid they are serious rn] I went and saw your former biggest fan under that rock they've carved with protestant shite, no word on if life's grander for her now it's ended or if she's regretting she didn't send her prayers up saying she wanted another bite of the cherry, one that wasn't yours- [stops like I've probably gone a bit far here and shouldn't mention his dead ex anymore] Fearghal: Good for him [through gritted teeth like let's never talk about him thank you] Like you need a replacement protector, got how many ready and willing at home, just DYING to beat the shit out of some 15 year old kid for your honour and just for the craic of it [does it back, like and then is silent until the pips are going but he's still there 'cos they stop when he puts more money in] You'll be under some rock with Catholic shite if they catch you in their graveyard [says it much more quietly than he's said the rest] Kaitlin: [makes a noise of disgust that doesn't need to be exaggerated for the pisstake cos genuinely horrified at this fam thanks] what honour? Shame you brought down on us with what they caught you at [but her voice is softer too because didn't mean to go off and also doesn't mean any of that we know] supposed to scare me, is it? [said like I wouldn't be here to give them a chance to do it just like you weren't] Fearghal: Why you need to ask one of the others, ain't it; can't be the best looking of the bunch and the best behaved, got to leave something for 'em to do and impressing n pleasing him 's'never been high on my to-do so have at it, lads [does meh noise like this is all so casual] Called the fear of God for a reason, aye Kaitlin: [does the meh noise back and it's her turn to awkwardly fiddle with the phone/cough while she works up to saying what she does next, more quietly than she has anything else] how's it truly then? Away and everything. Free and clear Fearghal: It's, like- just shit because you realize that everything that happens in that fucking town, all the stuff that rules our lives and is all they give a shit about, no other cunt does, you know, Kait? Sure, its on the news when another bomb goes off or don't and that; but the English don't even have to think about it, their day to day ain't affected at all, no fucker but our lot cares and what's the point, honestly? Everything we were forced to at least think was important, if not fecking stupid, ain't and now I don't- [Stops to do some actual breathing to calm down] Not to mention I'm thick as shite, thanks for that and all- 'cos frees a bloody joke [laughs bitterly] I get by, now, got a place to stay so, don't haveta worry but don't be hopping the next ferry yourself, girl Kaitlin: [when you're just silent for ages because as much as you think it's bullshit you're basically in a cult rn with no chance of getting out so what can you say like] not that thick, warning me off coming to keep an eye on all these english girls with theirs on ya but no bother 'cause mind I get sea sick and class as boking on brits sounds I'd get fairly covered myself before I made any casualties of 'em Fearghal: Know enough about girls and enough about you to know the two don't need mixing, that's just school of life, that [moving away a bit and telling someone who's impatiently waiting to fuck off] Stay put [when you say it firmly like serious voice] That wain and the rest needs someone VAGUELY sane about to stand any chance, fuck me, Aislinn's already been corrupted and she's barely in double digits [kicks the box] Kaitlin: [laughs because yeah don't let her around any girls you like babe] you should know enough about me to know what giving me your orders'll do fer ya and what it'll make me do [but there's no actual real threat in it we all know she's staying for the bubs] Sane as you by that count, ain't I? [can't help genuinely sighing] Mammy's girl is Aislinn been like it since she was old enough to play house [grimaces at the thought cos never that bitch] got the rest under MY apron strings, grand they are and it goes for the stories I tell 'em every night after prayers, rest easy yourself knowing that, yeah? Fearghal: Alright, alright [hear the 🙄😏] But if you wanna be the next to bring shame on 'em, you can do better than a cheeky abortion, surely? [shakes his head] Yeah. [Pause] Yeah [Coughs again] I'm doing my bit, swear, it's gonna take a while 'til I can send you anything and I've got to work out how when I do- it ain't for them, just you lot but like I said, not cheap Kaitlin: [an outraged noise like who do you think you're talking to, of course I can do better than that etc] Yeah. [Pauses herself because again what to say, there's so much it's too much] I've got faith in the right shite, Gally [nickname ftw because feels] it'll work out. We'll work it out, like we did this Fearghal: 'Course we will, K. No other choice, is there [definitely not a question] Kaitlin: not a real question, is it? [she knows its not] Fearghal: you want me to ask you one? Kaitlin: do English girls fall for that? Fearghal: Enough of 'em, yeah Kaitlin: [makes a ugh noise] how you've got a bed, is it? Fearghal: Theirs top where mine is Kaitlin: I deeply feel that Fearghal: [makes the kinda sad 'ha' sound like 'I know'] Not all bad though, some class drugs about and you don't get kneecapped for taking a casual interest Kaitlin: [does a little hooray down the phone] Fearghal: Send you some but your phones probably tapped so I definitely won't Kaitlin: thanks or no thanks, depending who'll be listening Fearghal: Cover those bases and the baby's ears Kaitlin: nothing to be heard over her crying Fearghal: don't lie, you miss me that much [laughs] Kaitlin: fuck off [but laughs too] Fearghal: Will do Fearghal: so many English girls Kaitlin: [exaggerated being sick noise] nowhere close to a ferry and sick as a dog, don't start me any further Fearghal: You think I escaped to pray every day and fight the good fight, like Kaitlin: if you still pray you ain't escaped fuck all Fearghal: Not living on my knees for no cunt, sis Fearghal: am being haunted, for my sins, though Kaitlin: Be on track to commit more, you'll have enough ghosts for all manner of shite to get done Fearghal: No rest for the wicked on the one hand, but on the other, idle hands and idle minds [breathes out like so conflicted and confused] Kaitlin: [a change in tone because serious] She's gone, so are you. Leave it here. Leave it in this fucking town Fearghal: Not a choice Kaitlin: Can be Fearghal: Nah, s'not, boths already happened Kaitlin: Happened to you, gives you a say in how you deal with it Fearghal: Yeah Kaitlin: You've lived in one haunted house as things stand, ain't you? Miss home that much, is it? Fearghal: How could I not? Live for these lectures, like Kaitlin: [an unamused noise because you're basically calling her a nagging girl which ain't a mood] Fearghal: [the pips again] Oh shit, should robably let you go, yeah? Kaitlin: Yeah probably [but she obvs doesn't wanna that'd be clear] Fearghal: Tell the kids I miss 'em, won't ya Kaitlin: I'll even include her out there Fearghal: Try and send a picture some time, alright Kaitlin: 'Course Fearghal: You too, kid Kaitlin: [laughs but in a more genuine way] You're my twin brother, calling me kid is calling yourself a wain, you eejit Fearghal: That's alright by me, like Kaitlin: I'll not baby you, got enough noses and arses to wipe here while you're hand holding these brits Fearghal: No handholding, on me life, just good old-fashioned- [will cut him off before he can be gross] Kaitlin: [we can say she cuts him off with a very unamused noise as per like no thank you] Fearghal: G'wan then, piss off before that kid freezes to death Kaitlin: [doesn't wanna be the first one to hang up obvs] Watch yourself then Fearghal: You too Fearghal: When can we do this again then Kaitlin: When can you? It's no bother for me to slip out with this ginger whinger, needs fresh air so she does Fearghal: [laughs then is pondering like umm] Try next Sunday, after church, if I don't answer then I'll send another postcard or whatever, yeah Kaitlin: Tryin' to get a free sermon told to ya, respect that hustle if not the message Fearghal: Obviously, how am I getting to heaven from England? Kaitlin: [laughs] no angels in England is there not? You'll have been thinking on your feet for fresh pick up lines all these months, no wonder you ain't had time for me, like Fearghal: Something like that... [Trails off 'cos don't wanna tell her what's really been going on but also does 'cos not its like that and its been a lot to just deal with on his own] Kaitlin: But it's something else like what? [cos sees through you boyyy] Fearghal: It's alright now, like Fearghal: but it ain't as if the old man sent me on me way with anywhere to go, is it Kaitlin: He didn't put a bullet in your head as a send off, that's what gets me to sleep of a night, but- [trails off because she was gonna say she knows it hasn't been easy but she doesn't know how hard it's been and she's not trying to guess like let's compare struggles] Kaitlin: Yeah [another pause] Fearghal: Should've put one in his [so under his breath it's like did you mean that to be heard or] Kaitlin: You'd have to take ma out an' all, I don't reckon the broken heart myth is anything other than another story, and probably a few of us would make the cut for cute little orphans but you and me'd have to catch ourselves on quick and wise up Fearghal: Make Tara look after you all as well as Diarmaid's kids, see how committed to the family she really is [sniffs 'cos we been knew] Kaitlin: [makes an identical sound cos twinning] I'll take her out if she was bothered to try and get near 'em Fearghal: Least Owie is old enough to help out, young enough to give a clout, yeah? [genuine concern] Kaitlin: [scoffs because we know he's a bit of a knob but it's still affectionate because] Fearghal: He'll be alright [but doesn't sound as reassuring as that's meant to be 'cos like unlikely at this point] Kaitlin: He's got me, my will's stronger than god's so father Q likes to say [laughs] under his breath, a'course Fearghal: [laughs back but its less 'cos sad] He doesn't always chat shite Kaitlin: Reckon he's a soft spot for me Fearghal: [makes noise like 'hopefully not too soft' but is joking, doesn't need to be that kind of priest] Kaitlin: I don't wish you were here Fearghal: How could he not, with the charm [but just jk like] Is it better, in some ways Kaitlin: It's...[trails off cos we all know even if there's less hassle it's not better as far as she's concerned and the loneliness is a real mood] I'm buzzing you got out [genuine but her voice is sad] Fearghal: Your turn next, I mean it Kaitlin: After we get a few birthday's under Niamh's belt [pauses because it's sinking in how stuck she is for now] and the rest, give 'em a fighting chance Fearghal: Yeah Fearghal: I'll make it easier, any which way I can Kaitlin: Me too, for you, I mean Fearghal: I'm grand, honest but cheers [more pips] I am outta shrapnel though so- Kaitlin: Don't be putting honest on a lie [frustrated sigh because nobody wants this to end but she wouldn't have money] speak Sunday and like I said, watch yourself Fearghal: Love ya, K ['cos no time to take the piss for it or protest] Kaitlin: [let's say she gets cut off before she can say it back for the pain]

[donnerpartyofone]

This is so not a story at all, so get ready for a whole bunch of nothing about what a gigantic snob I am!

I can't stop thinking about this journey I went on with this person on Instagram. I'm obsessed with the area my dad's family is from, which is this weird tiny Finnish-but-culturally-Swedish, autonomous, demilitarized archipelago in the Baltic Sea. I'm always looking for Instagram users who live there, to see what daily life is like. I happened upon this one middle aged guy, and quickly noticed that he liked comics and genre film, which seemed lucky--the smaller a population, the less likely I am to find somebody with all my "weird" interests. So I followed him, even though I objected to his Van Dyke facial hair and consistently douchey uniform of a trench coat and porkpie hat. Then, I slowly began to realize that I didn't think he had very good taste in general; we generally liked the same kind of cult cinema, but he always seemed to find anything remotely cerebral to be really boring, and he skewed more toward Troma-style attention grabs, which *I* find really boring. His preferred comics ranged from boringly mainstream, to weirdly bad--cheapo revivals of musty old strip comics that absolutely nobody cares about. I knew the very slim population of guys who actually bought those books in the states, old duffers who a) think everything is a collector's item, and b) think their encyclopedic knowledge of e.g. seldom-seen silent era actors makes them geniuses. These guys also usually wore trench coats and porkpie hats, so I guess some things stay the same all around the world. On a side note, there's something distinctly European about loving both stuffy old genre material that has pretty much turned to dust by now (sword and sandal dramas, swashbuckling pirate adventures, etc), AND raunchy "in your face" splatterpunk satire. I can't describe why but it's definitely a thing, I encountered it a lot when I was spending time in France on and off, and it always gave me the willies for some unnamable reason. Uh anyway, I eventually figured out that this guy actually WRITES some of these throwback comics. I was thinking to myself, why the fuck would ANYBODY be obsessed with The Phantom, a property so boring that even in our creatively bankrupt post-everything era, the only attempt to mine it for contemporary interest is that forgotten Billy Zane movie? But no, it all makes sense, because this guy occasionally writes for a Phantom series that comes out of Australia. Let's take a quick look at some covers for that series, which will give us a good idea of why most rational people don't do this jungle adventure shit anymore:

I especially "like" the last one, where the Phantom is fucking some girl in a pool of native blood. The other thing this guy writes for occasionally is a comedy serial that I guess has been running forever, that's another kind of thing that lets me know the limits of my own taste. I guess it's kind of an Archie type of thing about conscripted military service:

The drawings are absolutely hideous, the jokes barely exist, and I don't even know how the scenario in the last one is supposed to have happened--did he phase shift through the tree or something? I had two jobs in the span of about 15 years where I saw all kinds of comics, so I'm not unfamiliar with this kind of thing, I just never ever "got" it. Even when the material is actually good, I never had good feelings toward the hairy, bulbous, hyperactive drawings that characterize a lot of European comedy output. Some of this would be forgivable if it were strictly for children, but Wikipedia tells me that this 91:an series is mostly read by older audiences. I would assume that this is because the existing fans mainly caught onto it in THEIR childhood, but who fucking knows, I have no idea what would attract anybody to this stuff in the first place.

Anyway, I just looked at this guy's Twitter page, and it lists him as a journalist and movie critic as well. I scrolled through about a year's worth of tweets to see if I could find any of his movie reviews. I could not. And, it's not an exaggeration to say that 85-90% of his tweets are just links to obituaries (not written by him) of like, every single remotely show business-y person who died, the second they died. This is another classic attribute of the kind of nerd who cares about Prince Valliant and shit, they always know everybody who is dead and they're really pushy about telling you for some reason. I find all of this kind of understandable when the person is in their 70s or something and has seen a lot of changes in the world, but this guy is only in his 40s or so. It's as if he fell in with a "bad crowd" of elderly nerds at a rummage sale (or at the very comic shop where I worked for many years, because they were all friends with the owner!) and just patterned his whole life after them.

Anyway, I don't really know what point I'm coming to. Probably none, I've just been thinking about this obsessively ever since I realized that this guy doesn't just innocently read bad comics, he actually writes them. I always knew there must be people who wrote these comics, I just never imagined them before, and now I got a whole profile going. Apparently this dude has a couple of screenwriting credits too, but I'm too scared to watch them.

[dvoton]

I like to believe that I’ve grown past public displays of paranoia. That I don’t have to keep an online journal that archives every psychological break when I have journals full of details I keep to myself. I tell myself that I'm not turning into my mother, that she isn't willing me to come crawling back to her and the cult she calls a family. That I'm not being haunted by the living and the dead.

Maybe this is what I deserve; maybe it feels more deafening because this so-called gift is only meant for the women in our bloodline. That at the end of the day, sharing this curse with my mother doesn't endear her to me. No matter how much I've pleaded, how much repenting I had done just so she would give me even a small amount of affection.

I deeply believe that this is a curse sometimes, and the paranoid episodes that come with it are well deserved. I can only ignore them for so long before they get angry. They move my things, wake me up in the middle of the night by speaking over each other, and make it almost impossible to function because they think tearing me down is fun. And I sit entirely petrified, by myself in my house with all the lights on. Willing myself to act normal for two seconds.

I like to think that I don’t share the habits she had when everything became too much. Though I find myself unable to leave the house for weeks at a time. It really doesn't do any favors for my relationships with others.

I don't want this sudden wave of paranoia to affect my relationship with Andy, either. I'm not going to isolate myself from him, as much as I feel like I should. But I'm scared that leaning on other people for support drives them away from me. I don't want to lose him to something like this, so I'll just silently hold it together the best I can until I just can't anymore.

I guess I'll spend the next 14 hours stress crying.

[dfdkrc]

The Sisters of Rose are starting to increase their appearances and attacks on Snow Queen, often trying to get at her friends in order to weaken her, which happens when Team Snow Queen makes a stop at a donut shop to get a nighttime snack.

“Snow Queen! Would I believe my very own eyes! The Girl of Ice herself in MY donut shop! What can I get you?”

“My friends and I would really like to try some of your donuts. It's late and we're looking for a snack. What do you recommend?” (Her eyes wander over the room, where a suspicious-looking group of teenage girls stands huddled near the counter, and a young man with dark hair wearing a black leather jacket stands off to one side)

“Say no more, my friend, say no more! I've got the perfect donut for you and your friends! A little bird told me that Britain’s Wonder Woman craves chocolate, so I had this one specially made! Say hello to Blue Iceberg!” (He presents a chocolate donut garnished with ice blue frosting and blue and white sprinkles with a flourish) “I swear it is not like any other chocolate donut you've ever tasted. This is the real deal.”

“Blue Iceberg. I love it! I'm deeply honored that you made a donut with me in mind. Can you bag up two more for my friends here?” (She faces Michael and Ten) “Do you guys want one?”

“What? Heck yeah! I want a whole dozen! Is that possible?”

“Blah, blah, blah. Listen to the great Snow Queen hamming it up with every damn cashier she meets. I hate to break it to you, honey, but these people are only pretending to love you. We know you're manipulating them. You put everyone under a damn spell so they'll obey your every fake royal whim. But you know what? That's all it is. Fake. Fake, fake, fake.”

“Hey! No one asked you girls! Why don't you just mind your own business, huh? Snow Queen hasn't manipulated ANYONE in this room! That would be your leader, Black Rose!”

“HOW DARE YOU INSULT OUR QUEEN LIKE THAT! ROSE RULES THIS ENTIRE UNIVERSE!”

“Oh, shut up, fangirl.”

“RAAAAAAHHHHHH!” (One of the girls angrily lunges for Snow Queen as she’s getting her donuts from the cashier, and right before she can touch her, Michael, Ten and the young man from earlier are all shoving her back)

“You don't touch OUR queen, ever! She has every right to be here just as much as you do, and she has done nothing to harm you!”

“She stole from our leader! She has done EVERYTHING harmful! WE WILL DESTROY YOU, SNOW QUEEN! YOU’RE DEAD!”

“Gil, call security. I'll handle these troublemakers.” (The young man nods to the cashier, who grabs the phone)

“Oh, great, ANOTHER Snow Queen supporter? How much is she paying YOU to join her cult, huh? God; it just gets worse and worse!”

“Back off, bitch! I wasn't paid or manipulated to do anything! I'm helping Snow Queen because it's the right thing to do! And I've got something even deadlier than your fists! Christine is right outside, and she'll take care of you better than I can!”

“Pfffff! Sure. Let's see this ‘Christine’ kick our asses then, huh? I bet she doesn't even exist! You back off! You're under Snow Queen’s mind control, and you'd best watch yourself! She can twist you and endanger you so much that you don't even know yourself anymore.”

“Woo, big talk of irony coming from such a little fangirl. You've got it backwards, kid. Black Rose is the one that lies and manipulates and takes advantage of others. You think we're a cult? Look who's talking. Your little ‘Sisters’ organization screams ‘cult’ louder than my mom used to yell. Snow Queen has never paid or manipulated anyone into joining her a day in her life.”

“I called security. They should be on their way.”

“Thanks, Gil.”

“Ooh, you called security? Big whoop. I'm not scared. When they get here we'll just tell them that a bunch of guys ganged up on us and took advantage of us. Then we'll tell them that Snow Queen attacked us. Who will they believe? You three, or some poor, defenseless teenage girls?”

“You bitches!”

“Ah-ah, I wouldn't. I think we'll let security handle these ones. Are you all right, Snow Queen?”

“Yeah, I'm fine. Let me just pay for the donuts.” (She digs into her dress and pulls out her wallet, when a hand gently stops her)

“No. Allow me.” (The dark-haired young man appears next to her and digs around in the back pocket of his pants) “It’s on me. When I heard Gil say your name, I had to see you for myself. I can't believe I'm looking at THE Snow Queen! Your face is literally all over the news at home.”

“Yeah, I suppose I am a big deal out here, what with the world-saving and the World Grand Prix on top of that. Maybe you've seen me racing. The number 95 car, Lightning McQueen. You seem like a car guy. Although I believe I'm at a disadvantage, since I don't think I've ever met you.”

“Oh, right. Sorry about that.” (He extends his hand) “Arnie Cunningham. And you're right; I am a car guy. I fix cars, as a matter of fact. So if you or your friends are ever in a jam, hopefully you'll look me up. It's how Christine stays so pure.”

“Wait. You mentioned a Christine earlier. Were you talking about your CAR?”

“Yes, I was. She's vintage, but she's golden. She's sitting out in the parking lot. Would you like to meet her?”

“Vintage, you say? I have a certain eye for vintage cars. I'd love to meet Christine. Maybe she'll love Lightning as well.”