dvoton

[dvoton]

Okay what if I scream??

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Well.. i may be setting myself up for disappointment and heartbreak again, but it's fine. I'll handle it when it comes, i always do. But for now, I let myself exist with you as fully as i can. It's what we both deserve.

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Czeslaw Milosz, New and Collected Poems: 1931-2001

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Really embarrassing for me to go from arguing with Josh to kissing him. As if that fixes every confusing aspect of this whole thing. We're really just in a constant loop of pulling each other in and then shoving each other back out. If I think about it too much I'm going to give myself a headache (again)

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[dvoton]

love as recognition

anna gavalda / friedrich nietzsche / clarice lispector / jandy nelson / rebecca perry / mhairi mcfarlane

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☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ

ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ + ᴘʟᴏᴛ + ᴘʟᴀʏʟɪsᴛ + ᴍᴏᴏᴅʙᴏᴀʀᴅ

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

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{Juansen Dizon, I Am The Architect of My Own Destruction page 24/ Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 6: 1955-1966/ Alice Hoffman, The Red Garden/ Anaïs Nin, from The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 5: 1947-1955/ Haruki Murakami: Norwegian Wood, page 276/ Michael Ondaatje/ Catherynne M. Valente, The Orphan's Tales: In the Night Garden/ D.H. Lawrence, from The Complete Works; The Plumbed Serpent/ Jean-Paul Sartre, from No Exit/ Alice Notley, from In The Pines: Poems; "In The Pines,"}

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I genuinely feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. I don't think I gave myself enough time to recover from everything and now I can't keep up with anyone. I'm constantly on the outside of other people's lives, and my own honestly. I know it's unfair to ask my friends to put extra effort into reaching out to me, everyone has other stuff going on, but I feel like I need small reminders that I'm not falling through the cracks in other people's lives. I'm basically paralyzed with anxiety so consistently I feel like I can't do anything.

[dvoton]

they should invent a loneliness that’s bearable

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Okay well... why do the stupidest things in the world hurt my feelings? Only for me to make myself feel like an idiot for even caring that much in the first place. It's not a big deal.

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Ummm my life is beautiful and I am loved and I can be skittish and restless and somber and lonely but I am never without hope when within me I carry what magnetizes and emphasizes peace and pleasure

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I wish I had the words to describe how great things have been lately. I'm really content with everything right now. Christmas went a lot better than I was expecting it to. Not that I thought meeting Andy's parents would be bad, but I was so nervous. Part of me was scared there would be questions about my parents and I'd have to explain that I don't know my dad, and I've been estranged from my mom for over a decade. Instead they were more interested in getting to know me. His mom and I clicked immediately which is a huge relief. Andy said I'm already adopted right into the family and I honestly could cry.

His surprise party also went off without a hitch. I've been stressed about it for months because I didn't want him to feel like we weren't doing anything, but saying too much could spoil the entire thing. I'm also glad no one else accidentally let it slip or I probably would have melted into the ground. Which is dramatic, but it was important to me that he had something special done for him after he said none of his birthdays had been. He deserves nothing but the love and care he shows everyone else.

I still can't believe we're engaged now, too. The way Andy asked was so special and perfect. He could have done it any way and I would have said yes. I really adore him. I never thought I'd have the chance to feel so safe and at home with someone. I'm so grateful for our lives intertwining the way they have. I've always known it was him I was meant to be with in any capacity. I just wasn't sure things would work out to bring us here, even if I had always hoped they would. I'm really truly happy.

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I haven't been sleeping again. September was hard, October was even worse, but November just... really felt like it went on for a lifetime. I've been feeling okay since October, at least. I know I wasn't always the most present. The time-lapses I was experiencing mixed with everything else left everything from August to now sort of muddled in my memory. Maybe November felt so excruciating because I was actually there for it.

I'm still really feeling the mental and physical side effects from being possessed. A lot of the time I don't really feel like myself, and when I do I'm not sure where I fit in with everyone. It's honestly kind of sad not knowing my place with everyone I love. I know it's a me issue. I shouldn't need reassurance from them when I know they don't care about me any less. It feels stupid to even think about asking just to make sure. I'm just stuck in my own head all the time.

It's been worse since Paris. I've had an incredibly hard time finding the words to capture even half of what I've been feeling. My feelings are still hurt, I shouldn't be but I am. It's not even Andy biting Noah, it's never really been that. I understand why he had to, it would be so petty and stupid to hold any form of discomfort over it. I think the two main points of hurt come from Andy keeping it a secret, and suddenly there's this bond between them keeping them connected and I literally can't compete with that. No one's asking me to, but there's nothing I can do here. I just make myself feel worse because it sounds so insecure and stupid.

On top of everything I can't really turn to about it besides Andy. We've talked about it a few times, and it made me feel at least a little bit better, but I still feel like I need someone outside of the entire thing to talk to. It feels selfish, wanting to seek out support from my friends over this. None of it is for me to share in the first place. I've just been sitting so silently, filing every single thought and feeling away so I don't make it worse.

I did end up talking to Lynn about it at least. I told her about Andy acting weird before Paris. Him leaving me at the museum so Vinny came to get me and sat with me for hours while I just felt ridiculous. I told her about Vinny catching him leaving Noah's room and why he had left me there to see him. It's been hard because everyone knows. No one's really said anything but they know, and they've already formed opinions on the entire thing whether they have all the details or not. I think talking to Lynn helped. It's nice to be able to tell someone outside of all of it and not feel any judgment. She just shows her love and support and never says anything bad about anyone. That's what I needed most. I couldn't stand myself if something I said to someone in a moment of overwhelming emotion changed anyone's opinion of Andy, or Noah. That's not fair to either of them.

I really just feel immature and selfish about the whole thing. All I can really do is offer Andy, and Noah, unconditional support while I work through my own feelings. Which is fine we've talked about it enough and I'm not really worried about our relationship. I'm not really sure what I'm worried about. All of this just brought so many insecurities back to the surface that I didn't know still existed. I need to just get over it. Not just Andy biting Noah, but the possession, the side effects, all of it.

[dvoton]

Manhattan is a Lenape Word, Natalie Diaz | Winter Without You, Sarah Kay 

[ Text ID: It is December and we must be brave. / It is December and nobody asked if I was ready. ] 

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I really wish the feeling that I don't belong anywhere would just disappear. It's so frustrating because I know it's not true, but there's always that feeling that's carved itself into my chest that nothing I say or do matters. I now my friends love me and care about me, but at the same time I feel like I could fade out of everything and no one would bat an eye. I just keep making myself feel worse.