#And sometimes it's hard to tell if things are just due to hormones or genuine.

[fourfuckinghorsemen]

Being in a young body is weird.

[lookingforcactus]

I have a lot of Feelings about the way that people talk about autism being "just autism" and act like being ""only"" autistic automatically excludes people from being physically disabled.

Yes, the shit that physically disabled people have to deal with is different than the shit people who are able-bodied and neurodivergent have to deal with.

You know how I know that??? Because my ""just autism"" has made me physically disabled for years at a time.

A lot of autistic people are physically disabled, especially but not exclusively people with level 2 and level 3 autism.

A ton of autistic people have motor issues to a level that makes them physically disabled. If you don't have the motor abilities/physical ability to do things like tie your own shoes, or use a regular fork, or shower yourself, or be stable and safe while walking, is that not a physical disability?

Now, none of that is how my autism sometimes makes me physically disabled - I'm level 1 autism, and aside from some fine motor skills I'm personally mostly fine on those fronts. (For people who don't know, "level 1 autism" is more or less what a lot of people would term ""high functioning,"" but that is problematic and outdated terminology.)

So, you might be wondering "Well then how the hell does being autistic make you physically disabled??"

Well, first of all, it's genuinely not that rare for masking to be so, so hard on and physically stressful for autistic people (yes including and specifically level 1 autistic people) that they just fucking. develop chronic pain. sometimes so severe they're regularly in and out of emergency rooms. Because stress hormones are literally toxic/cause tissue damage, and because being completely tensed up and sensory guarding and in sensory pain all the time causes a shitton of muscular dysfunction and chronic pain.

That's happened to me somewhat/occasionally - there are other people it impacts a lot more.

My main problem?

Autism significantly affects your ability to regulate sensory and nerve input.

Meaning when I have a significant injury, between that and all the tension/distortion/related pain, that injury can last for literal years.

I spent three years with on-and-off Significant mobility restrictions because I got an ankle injury.

I just finished two years of chronic pain/sensory pain and a big reduction in functioning/cognitive everything, which was so bad it left me housebound for the first six months, as the result of a surgery that is super common and super does not do this to most people.

Does that not count as physically disabled??

People also tend to treat physical disability as something that by definition never goes away, but people move in and out of physical disability all the time. Our society just tends to use really restricted definitions of what "counts" as a disability, due to stigma, rather than looking at it as a significant and/or long-term impairment in your ability to do things. If you have a severe injury, it can leave you unable to move normally/walk/walk unassisted for months or years. And then, eventually, hopefully you heal and do a lot of physical therapy and then you may not count as disabled after x amount of time.

(I'm not just making this up btw, this is a major tenet of a lot of modern disability studies. I could cite a bunch of texts for this but tbh I'm not investing that kind of time.)

Also the mind-body division is fake, which is why a lot of disabilities and disorders that affect the brain/nervous system (you know, like autism) also affect the body. You know, the thing your nervous system runs through basically all of.

So, yeah, I'm not trying to tell anyone else how they can or should identify, but I personally describe myself as "previously physically disabled" and/or "intermittently physically disabled" because that is the most accurate way I've found to describe my own experience.

Okay, rant over, thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[sailorofcosmos]

Rant. Very big rant. I am not @ anyone and mean no offense to any single person or entity. These are my personal feelings/viewpoints. If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing. If you don't like it, don't waste your time reading it.

To everyone who gives me shit over the fact that I shop on Temu:

Not everyone is privileged enough to be able to buy from whom they want to buy.

Would I like to buy from and support my local artisans? Yes! Absolutely! I was one of them once. I know how hard that is, how much time and love and energy goes into their craft. When I have a little more cash than usual, I love to look in artsy fartsy local shops. I frequent the crystal place off main street.

Can I afford a $15 pair of earrings sold at the artisan fair? No. Even when I have the money, no.

I am often at and below the poverty level. I can't afford to feed myself sometimes; I often get malnutrition symptoms due to being unable to buy food that is good for me. I have severe mental health conditions. Severe as in, I could use a service dog. My brain is MESSED UP and does not produce enough of certain hormones, and too much of others.

And sometimes I just want to treat myself. It's okay to want nice things. Pins for my backpack. Stickers for my car. Tiny Lego flower sets. Maybe I finally give in to my scrapbooking hyperfixation. And I can afford to do that every once in a while because of Temu.

And it's not just things I WANT either. My pillow that I bought on Temu has lasted me 2 years. I buy laundry soap, school supplies, a couple of mini things such as a handheld car vacuum and an air purifier. An air purifier at Walmart would've cost me $50 minimum. The one I got on Temu was $12. Why do I need an air purifier? The dorms are humid and a prime environment to mold growth. I had very bad mold sickness my first semester.

People have reported getting scammed by Temu. I always pay through a third party encrypted service, such as PayPal or Afterpay. I've never experienced such scams, but I'm careful. You should be too. Everyone should always be careful, regardless of where they shop. Amazon has been hacked before. There have been card skimmers at Walmart.

People have said it's bad quality. Some things are a miss, but most other things I'm shocked at the high quality for the price I paid. That makeup brush cleaning machine? Nope. My mini car vac? Wow, yes.

People have said they use questionable manufacturing processes. First, there's almost no way we can prove that. Everything I've ever heard about it was hearsay, and how can I tell if you're genuine or if it's xenophobia? Second, how can we prove someplace like Walmart or Amazon aren't using the same processes and charging fivefold? Most things are made in China. It's incredibly hard sometimes to find something that isn't. The difference is that the wholesaler paid that dirt price to China and then turned around and sold it to the retailer for threefold, who then turned around and sold it to us another threefold. Same item, same price, hidden by corporate greed. Would I willingly, with good conscience, buy from a manufacturer proven to use sweatshops and/or employ children? Absolutely effing not. Can I help/prevent it if something I buy uses that process and I don't know about it? Unfortunately, no.

Do you take me for a fool who doesn't understand economics? You'd be wrong. They are targeting Americans and undercutting our market due to individualistic consumerism, inflation, and people like me, unable to afford nice things, existing. They're selling their inventory at a loss in order to establish a customer base. Once they have said customer base, they begin to raise prices. I've already seen this start to happen. Most shirts now cost $6-12 on Temu instead of $4. Amazon did this exact same process when they started out. Look at how Amazon has taken over the American market. I distinctly remember when Toys R Us closed, due to being outsourced by Amazon.

"Oh but you're supporting China taking control of America." First of all, go off. Y'all need to remember that the difference between the CCP and the Chinese people is immense and the Chinese people are greatly suffering under their own government. Second of all, do I look like a politician? Do I seem like someone who has control over foreign policy? Didn't think so. I'm one out of hundreds of thousands or millions of people who use Temu.

"But that's the mentality of everyone and if everyone chose to stop shopping there one by one, they wouldn't have their customer base." First off, this is again a very privileged viewpoint. Second, I have no control over the other Temu customers. Neither do you. They aren't going to stop shopping there just because someone they don't know said so.

Third, it is human to put ones own welfare and survival over others. And for those with mental health issues, this can be very hard. If I spend $10 on Temu liquid pods instead of $30 for a container of Tide, that's $20 I can spend on food, gas, bills, or other necessities. If I decide to spend the $30 on Tide because I MIGHT be hurting someone who is already being hurt/used REGARDLESS of what I chose, I may not eat that day. I maybe can't afford ramen cups. I might not be able to put gas in my car (and as a delivery driver, that means I lose opportunity capital from not being able to work).

I am not financially stable. Maybe if I was, I would be able to purchase things that are knowingly made ethically. Maybe if I was, I wouldn't even want to treat myself very often because I would mentally be in a better headspace. Their is nothing like the stress of not knowing if you're going to be able to eat that week.

I do not need to prove anything to you. I do not have to explain my reasons behind my shopping choices. I do not need to defend myself against your accusations.

But I am tired of being looked down upon. I am tired of being labeled as someone who "doesn't care" because I shop on Temu. Go off! Like you cared before Temu, or SheIn, or AliExpress existed. But we are all victims of the same system. The only difference is that you have privilege and I don't.

That's all. Thank you 🙇🤷

[jenroses]

Mine seem to start in my right eyeball, usually, or sometimes my neck. Sometimes I can nip them in the bud by putting strips of lidocaine patch along my cheekbone, browline and jawline on that side (about half of one patch) and the rest of the patch goes on the back of the neck. But a lot of time I just have to sleep it off. And while the pain is gnarly and not fun, the post-drome is almost worse. I didn't really start getting them until my 40s, that I recognized. But I did spend a lot of time in my 20s with "sinus headaches" that generally got better with antibiotics and lingered for weeks without, so IDK. I haven't had a genuine sinus issue of that sort since I started dealing with my mast cell issues with loratidine/cetirizine/famotidine twice daily.

The major precipitating factors for migraines for me include: Wheat (even small cross contamination amounts. AFAIK I do not have celiac, but have tested IGE positive on skin test for a wheat allergy.) Like people have to use a clean knife to get butter and can't go back with the same knife once they've spread it on the bread. We have a separate building on our property where people have to go to mix wheat-based batters. No loose flour in the house. Sulfites in red wine (super low sulfite wine does not cause me migraines, regular red wine is instant nails in the head.) This includes balsamic, which means that Kewpie mayo gives me a raging headache and it's not the MSG. I found this out the hard way because I assumed that mayo was safe, in general. Air Pollution: I'm a goddamn canary, I start getting migraine symptoms in certain kinds of pollution with Purpleair showing as low as 40 in our area. These specific migraines get better quickly if I pop a mask on early. If I don't figure it out quickly enough, the migraine liiiinggggers. Adding lots of air filters to the house has mitigated this a lot. Oh, yeah, blue cheeses and rind soft cheese. I'm very salty about this one as I really like them but they now taste like pain. Even if I scoop the brie out of the rind and don't eat the rind, still blazing headache, nausea, the works.

Not all of my migraine issues are allergies and not all of my allergies cause migraine issues. Some things that gave me trouble historically have been mitigated into oblivion by the "fuck-off levels of antihistimines", as rahaeli puts it. Like, I own two cats, and hay fever is no longer a problem as long as I don't like, rub pollen on my skin or eat it. But I still get migraines from wheat and wine and specific cheeses. I avoid mold consumption a lot, but unlike a lot of people with histamine issues, I can tolerate a lot of kinds of fermented foods just fine. Like, vegan kimchi is terrific, and kombucha is fine, and even red wine is fine if no one adds sulfites to it and the naturally occurring ones are as low as humanly possible. I'm great with things like cheddar and parm and mozz as long as they don't have mold. Weirdly, roquefort and gorgonzola are a problem but I'm not allergic to penicillin as far as we can tell, when given in med form.

But limiting my triggers means that usually I have fewer migraines than I used to but like, there are some times of the month when they're back to back and some times when they're not , which might be hormonal but I don't have the usual way of tracking such things due to yeeterus.

While I have a migraine on Christmas Eve let’s talk about other aspects of migraines besides the pain that comes in waves because for me and many others the pain isn’t the worst symptom of migraines.

Migraines may include:

Feeling tired

Your brain feeling like mush

Getting a stuffy/runny nose (why many people think they get sinus headaches when really they are getting migraines)

Before a migraine, hallucinating smells

Nausea

Vomiting

Feeling tired and full of brain fog the next day

Muscle pain in your neck and back

Dull uncomfortable pressure rather than pain

Distorted vision/general sensitivity to light

Sensitivity to sound

Irritability

Scalp tenderness

Lightheadedness/dizziness

And more!

[burnedbyshoto]

spiral

— Honestly, what could go wrong when you’re lusting over your close friend and you’re locked in a box with only one way to get out? Well, not a lot, honestly.

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pairing: kaibara sen x fem!reader

warnings: smut, 18+, gloryhole, dirty talk, praise, fingering, sexual tension, reader is a pervert, quirk use during sex (spinning cock lol)

word count: 2,695

a/n: this is the second gloryhole fic ive written, but its completely different from the last time because its like not a cult fic LMAO!!! anyways, I think yall basic shouto and bakugou stans could do well to stan this class 1-b man because when I tell you he is another deviation of the two of them personality wise.... I mean it! 

day 5 main kink: gloryhole

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If you had known precisely what you had just gotten yourself into right now three hours ago, you would have laughed at yourself. Without a doubt, there was no questioning that the predicament you had concealed yourself in was one that would bring you great shame once this wall was gone, but for now, you would deal with it.

At the bitter age of twenty, having graduated from the hero department over in Shiketsu High, you had been almost shocked when you were reached out upon by the graduating class over at Yuuei, to come and join their agency. You had accepted it with caution, unsure if you could live a life paycheck to paycheck that was as new as they come. But, it was a decision you would come to never regret.

Or at least, not until right now. 

You had been on patrol with your coworker turned friend, Kaibara Sen, hero name: Spiral.

His quirk was an interesting one. A quirk that allowed him to gyrate -- spin -- every limb and ligament on his body. It caused some pretty asshole moves in close combat that not only stung with the piercing metal on his gloves but also sent you flying away. Countless amounts of times, you had pinned him only to spun around like a spinning top and slammed back into the practice mats.

You hated it.

Or well, you hated his quirk in a sensical way (note: do not attempt to beat him through a crowd, he always wins). In the nonsensical, coming of age brain of yours that had been for the most part silenced due to Shiketsu’s no-dating-policy, but as you grew fond of your coworker, frequent workout buddy and sparring partner, you couldn’t help but wonder just if… well… if he could spin his cock.

You would be lying if you said you had never imagined what it could feel like. You wondered if his cock was curved, or if it was straight. Would the veins be prominent? Too many times, when watching quirk-plot porn videos, you found your mind lingering onto his ability, which leads you to scream into a pillow, your hormones both skyrocketing and plummeting in your horror. 

You weren’t a perv, you like to remind yourself as you changed into your hero costume. It was merely a rational, human thought! Humans were curious beings, after all! Sure, Kaibara was attractive, and his voice was… so low, deep, and raspy that sometimes you would try to – NOPE NOT A PERV!

Blazing hot cheeks drummed in time with your hammering heart as you finished dressing, hoping to get out and clear your mind with helping out the community as a hero! You were a hero!

Not a perv!

Nodding to yourself in the mirror located in your designated locker, you slammed it close and left.

Unfortunately for you, or fortunately, Kaibara was already dressed in his costume and waved at you in greeting as you approached him.

“Afternoon.”

“Yeah, yeah, shut up!” you flustered, your back stiffening as you continued to stomp ahead, readying to leave the stupid agency and get your afternoon rounds done. 

You weren’t a pervert!

With three years since graduating from high school, three years of this agency having been founded, and three years of becoming friends with the esteemed and infamous class 1-A and 1-B from Yuuei, you had learned one thing for sure. This group of Yuuei students seemed to attract the worse kind of trouble like a moth to a lamp.

Without a doubt, you knew that was the reason why you had Kaibara somehow ended up in this horrible, ridiculous quirk from a child that just so happened to manifest their quirk out in the open. And of course, it would be the most humiliating shit to ever happen in the entire world of quirk apparitions.

“Uh, the mother said it’s probably the father’s quirk!” came the apologetic, nearing frantic voice of Deku from outside the steel box both you and Kaibara were trapped in. 

You couldn’t even see Kaibara’s face, and the perv in you screamed over the lack of even having his body pressed against yours! No! Nothing! As a matter of fact, there was a divider between you and Kaibara, a giant wall with a hole near your crotch area.

“I can’t believe you idiots got yourselves trapped in this!” came the amused, annoyed, and somehow antagonizing voice of Ground Zero. 

“Shut up!” you screamed back. “They looked at us, and it happened! It’s not like we touched the kid!”

“Y/h/n,” Kaibara’s voice sighed, and you felt your face ignite at the sighful tone on his raspy, deep voice. You pouted at the slight scold in his manner and felt yourself looking down in shame as he continued. “Don’t argue with Ground Zero. Hey, Deku, how we get out of this?”

The both of you were silent for some time, the outside world quiet as you waited for an answer.

“Oh, um, I don’t think you’re going to like it…” Deku’s voice laughed awkwardly from outside the box, and you frowned.

“Just tell us.”

“I-It’s uh… it’s a quirk called Gloryhole!” Deku squeaked, and just as you knew the successful and well-recognized pro hero outside of this box was undoubtedly red in the face, you felt your already warm face turn into an inferno. “I-I-It’s exactly… ohmygod!”

“The shitnerd is apparently a fucking perv and can’t finish his stupid sentence. Anyways, this quirk only works on shits like you with unresolved sexual tension and only removes after you use it,” Ground Zero’s voice barked from outside the walls.

“KACCHAN!”

“Shut up, Deku!” Ground Zero fired right back, and you could feel your body trembling at the news. Oh no, your perverted mind finally caught up to you in the worst of ways?! Although he did say unresolved sexual tension, that could totally be onesided, right? “We’ll be back in an hour, get it done, or fucking else.”

They left you, and you realized that despite your panicking pitched breathes, there was no noise coming from Kaibara’s side.

Oh no, this was all your fault! 

Oh no, oh no, oh no!

“You, uh,” Kaibara spoke softly, and you felt your hands clutch onto the fabric above your breasts. “You have unresolved sexual tension with me?”

“No,” you denied immediately, your forehead crashing against the barrier between you and Kaibara at the blatant, stupid lie. “Yes. Ugh, I do, but that wasn’t something I was planning on telling you!”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s embarrassing? What was I supposed to say when you pin me against mats during sparring sessions? ‘Hey, Kaibara, does your cock also spin? If so, can you fuck me with it?’”

You slap your hand across your mouth, eyes going wide in your panicked embarrassment. That mouth of yours was genuinely going to get your tongue cut off or lips sewn together one day.

It’s silent for a bit, but there’s a sound of clothes ruffling. The rate of your heartbeat seemed to increase exponentially as you saw something shift from the view you had of the Gloryhole. “Well, if you want to find out, I’ll be more than willing to give you a demonstration.”

The pervert you may or not be did not hesitate to respond back.

“Please?”

And you watched as his shadowed figure approached the hole, and a pink-headed cock pushed through the hole into your side. You watched with a gaping jaw at the still-growing cock before you. Without a doubt, it was more than seven inches and was glorious, gravity defyingly curved upwards. It was proud as it was thick, and you watched as the underneath of his cock scraped across the bottom.

A soft grunt strangled in his throat at the cold, rough sensation, and you watched a small, glistening bead of pre-cum appear from the slit on his head. You’re not sure how quickly you dropped to your knees, but you did know that your mouth took him on completely. Within the first drop of your mouth on his cock, you enveloped at least half of his cock in your mouth. A loud bang hit the wall, and you felt a warmth in your chest, knowing that you had already affected him.

Your lips and mouth glided against his length, your tongue pressing and lapping at the underneath of the head of his cock, trying to cock to become as hard as it could be, because it was still growing. A particular needy, near sloppy suck of yours, sent a loud, dizzying guttural noise from Kaibara’s side. A noise that sent liquid heat spilling into your cunt as your hand gripped the base of his cock, bobbing your head slowly, as leisurely as you would allow yourself.

His taste was indescribable, faint yet had you licking his length for more, trying to cover your tongue in his pre-cum. 

But the issue with a proud curving upwards cock, was that you found it awkward to choke yourself down his impossibly stubborn curve as he began to thrust his hips to meet your mouth and travel into your throat. Grunt, gasps, and growls seemed to be growing in volume and repetition on his side of the wall as you relaxed your throat, chokes, and gags sounding wet and sloppy on your side. 

“Fuck, just like that, wait up,” Kaibara moaned, a thud coming straight above your own head, letting you know that he had pressed his head against the wall. The thumping of his hips on the wall was slowly becoming musical, white noise as you bobbed your head further along his length, throat vibrating with your need to make him feel good. And the weirdest, most surprised splutter came from your throat as his cock spun in direction.

Once curved upwards, making it nearly impossible in the space to take his cock all the way down your throat, was now downcurved. It stretched your jaw out entirely as he didn’t bother to pull away to do it, and your throat stretched out in a way you had never experienced before as you coughed and staggered against his length. But, it was a pain that made your clit throb and allowed his cock to go even further down your throat.

You did what you could only do once your throat stopped hurting, and the sheer pleasure of having your throat stretched out in a more desirably wait set in: you moaned.

It was a long, pitchy noise that you swore you could feel against the steel wall that your free hand supported you against. Your toes curled at the way his intensely thrusting hips faltered for a moment, undoubtedly turned on by your noise if the twitch in his cock said anything about it. You moaned again, and again, and again. You continued to do so against his snapping hips until Kaibara was practically snarling your name with the intention and muttered promises of what he would do to you once the barrier was gone. 

Your mind was gone at the point, the promises of fucking you against the window of his apartment that overlooked the Tokyo skyline had you shoving the pants off your hero costume down. Your hand on his cock tightening in its grip, but the one manipulating your pants off, sunk into your cunt, thumb on your clit. 

A mewl left your lips as you began to play with your wet heat, and you drove your mouth and head closer to the hole, enthusiastically taking him in further and further. 

“Imma fuck you so good when we get fucking out of here,” Kaibara promised, teeth undoubtedly pulled into a snarl, his thrusting in bizarre speeds as you tried to keep some piece of sanity as you continued to finger fuck yourself, all too pleased with him absolutely using your mouth. But, you registered his words just well enough to respond back, choking an agreeing noise as you bobbed your head enthusiastically. “Had I known you just wanted that slutty pussy of yours to be fucked, I would’ve done this with you ages ago. Would’ve pinned you down on that mat, and claimed your cunt as my prize.” Your eyes rolling back in your hormone-induced euphoria, your own dirty fantasies having played that scene in your mind countless times. “I want to hear you choke on my cock more, I want to hear the saliva and drool leaving your mouth. I know you’re fucking your cunt, so do it well enough you’re moaning like a paid prostitute. I promise you, I’ll make sure you never want to see another cock again that isn’t mine!”

A choking, hiccuped, and wet breath expelled from your mouth, and you hadn’t even realized you were crying at the moment. But, you agreed, head bobbing in your agreement.

And so, it continued. 

You pushed forward, his length reaching new depths of your throat until you had your nose smashed against the metal, cold wall. Your throat manipulatively squeezing and milking his throbbing cock, tongue, and teeth rubbing against his protruding veins until Kaibara was stuttering out your broken first name. 

The wet noises of his saliva drenched cock meeting your drooling throat and mouth grew louder with every slap, and you wanted more. You needed more.

“Fuck, y/n, you take me s-so fucking good. I think you have me entirely in your mouth like the fucking little pervert you are,” Kaibara hotly laughed, a soft thudding from near your chin sending your mind in a feral daze of how it was probably his balls. “Doing so well with my directions, you really do deserve to be fucked properly after this.”

A low, lewd whine strangled from your throat, your hot, swollen lips sucking harshly against the base of his cock as he continues drilling, and the melodic moans from his mouth made it all worth the fact your lips and nose are starting to tingle from the sufficient lack of oxygen. But it’s also your curling, pumping fingers in your cunt that add onto the headrush you get, the slick and essence coating and dripping from your pounding fingers send you into a series of keen and mewls against his cock. And you can perfectly find each sweet little pleasure spot. 

You were close, and by the consistent twitching and throbbing of his cock and the thick coating of precum on your tongue, Kaibara was too.

With your impending orgasm, you felt your body begin to tense up, shaking, and moaning with the tipping sensation you loved. And Kaibara, entirely lost in his own passionate, horny endeavors, shook as he slammed into you again, again, and again.

With a fiery determination, your cheeks hollowed out on his length as he pulled out, a resonating “fuck!” screamed from his lips as your tongue swiped at the salty silt on his cock, and it was all over.

You came on your fingers with a loud, pitchy scream, and thick, hot ropes of cum spurted from his cock onto your awaiting mouth, dirtying your face slightly in his heavy ejaculation. Swallowing the cum, a shiver ran down your spine as you quickly cleaned the remaining cum on his cock. Slowly, you removed the fingers in your cunt, and you shuddered at the pulsating heat form your core as you dropped to the floor as his soft cock disappeared from the hole. 

Laughing softly, you looked up at the ceiling of the box that was slowly disappearing, allowing fresh air to enter the sex smelling box.

“So, how about dinner?” Kaibara asked, and you chuckled, running a hand through your abused face.

“I don’t think I’m hungry.”

“No?”

“You might’ve proved you can spiral your cock,” you began, turning your head to look at Kaibara, who was collapsed on the floor, barely put together as the two of you locked eyes. “But I still would like to try it out for real while you properly fuck me. After that, if I’m hungry for food, I’d love to go for dinner.”

He laughed, his hand running through his sweaty locks.

“Sounds like a deal to me.”

[sdvharveybby]

*ahem* PLEASE DO A FIC BASED OFF YOUR HARVEY AND PREGNANT WIFE HEADCANNONS PLEASE

ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE DEAR BBY ANON. I was honestly so excited to write this that I wrote it in a few hours. Just woo!

The headcannons were my inspiration for this, but I hope I captured everything :0 

**edit** Headcannons post where this all came from -- Here!

I had a lot of emotions, myself, when writing this. Mostly do to personal reasons, but I enjoy writing about Harvey in this way. I think it truly captures his nervous, but caring personality. That he would do all that he could to provide the best care for his pregnant wife.

In any case, I hate to say it, but I feel like this jumped around a bit- heh. Honestly there was so much I enjoyed from the headcannons that it was genuinely hard to pick just a few! I hope you enjoyed this though! I did my best and loved every minute of it! Thank you so much for the ask! (Also, the small ‘ahem’ in the beginning legit killed me. It’s so funny)

Word Count: 1918

The farmer cracked open her eyes one sunny morning. She could tell she slept in past 6am, but she was too groggy to be mad; her body felt stiff and her mind heavy, as if a headache was coming on. She pulled the covers over her head and shifted her body to try and get more sleep- she would have fallen asleep if she didn’t start to feel nauseated. It came on quickly and was growing more, the farmer shot up from her bed throwing the blanket behind her. She covered her mouth and bounded towards the bathroom, “H-Honey?” she could faintly hear as she ran past Harvey holding a plate of breakfast for her. The farmer barely made it to the toilet when she threw up any contents in her stomach. With heavy footsteps, Harvey ran into the bathroom after her, “Honey, are you-. Oh, I see.” He remarked as he crouched beside her and pulled her hair back. “I have some water here,” he mentioned as he switched hands to stroke her back as she threw up again.

There was a momentary pause as the farmer tried to gather her breath, “Oh, wow,” she whispered to Harvey. “I know, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” He reassured to her, giving her a soft kiss on her forehead. She would have appreciated it more if she didn’t immediately throw up again, “I promise that’s not because you kissed me,” she chuckled to herself. Harvey laughed and continued stroking her back until she felt like it was over. He handed her some water and walked back to the kitchen to grab medicine and a lemon slice. When he came back, she was standing and holding her head, “Maybe you should lay back down. I asked Marnie to help me with your farm work today so there’s nothing for you too worry about.” He smiled and the farmer nodded her head in agreement. She took the medicine that Harvey offered and grasped the lemon slice in her hand, walking away and smelling it. “Oh, we have a long way to go, but I’ll be here for every minute of it.” He whispered to himself with a soft smile.

After a few weeks of helping her with her morning sickness, it had quickly become about 30ish weeks since they found out that she was pregnant. Every day it was a surreal moment for Harvey, he almost couldn’t believe that it was true. The closer it was to her due date, the more he got emotional- many years he spent pent up in his apartment above the clinic. Many sleepless nights and many lonely ones- it was an eye-opening moment for him when he realized he would be a father. It scared him, no doubt. He feared he wouldn’t be good enough or if he provide enough for his family. What if his child didn’t like him? What if they rejected him or liked his wife more? He knew he was overthinking it and that he would do his best to provide his wife and child with anything they wanted, but he couldn’t help to think of his worst-case scenarios sometimes.

He still worked at the clinic, Tuesdays, and Thursdays to do annual check-ups on everyone in town. He compiled a list of questions to ask when he knew one of the mothers in town would be coming in. It was Summer, day 18, and he knew Robin would be coming in. He decided to ask her because she took things seriously but kept things light enough that he would be most comfortable asking her.

He stood and approached the front door when he saw Robin already inside and waiting, “Hey, Doc,” she smiled as she stood. “Hello, Robin! Follow me.” They made there way into the back as Robin complained of her right arm hurting again, “I’ll take a look, but it’s probably because you work too much. You need to give your arm a break now and again from swinging your ax,” She laughed a bit, “Yeah, but you know how I feel about that.” He sighed but carried on with her check-up.  “Looks like you’re good Robin, but please give your arm a break!” He scolded her but she just held up a hand dismissing it. She began to walk out when Harvey stopped her, “Actually, could I ask you a few questions?” Perplexed, Robin sat on one of the stools in the room, “I’m all ears!” He smiled and pulled out a long list of questions he had- Robin peeked at some of them, her eyes wide with amusement. “Ha, you’re worried about being a dad, aren’t you?” Harvey blushed and broke her eye contact, “Well, yes, but also, I want to make sure I’m taking care of my wife well and wanted to ask your experience with pregnancy.” Perhaps… Robin wasn’t the best person to ask because she named off every single thing she could think of for providing the best care for the farmer. Robin made it her mission to prop up the farmer in every way to get her everything she wanted. It took about an hour of talking, but once Harvey understood it all-, she began walking to the door, “Oh, and when your wife suddenly breaks down into tears, just hold her. Sometimes it’s best not to ask questions!” She laughed, leaving Harvey a bit confused.

He made his way home from work, reviewing everything he and Robin talked about. She was so quick to answer every question he had, but she reassured him in all the ways possible. His biggest stress relief is when she looked at him with honest eyes and said, “Harvey, you’re thinking about this too much. You’re going to be a great dad. Just take every day as it comes.”

It calmed his thoughts greatly as he walked through the door. He was greeted with his wife sitting at the table, she turned and looked at him, “Welcome home, love.” He dropped his stuff to the ground and walked to his wife. She was a bit confused, but she smiled, “Everything okay?” Harvey bent down on his knees and hugged her and the baby. He was careful not to disturb the baby bump in any way, but he wanted to drink in his wife’s love after his day at work. She began combing her hands through his hair, “Everything is just fine.” He reassured her as he used his thumb to stroke her belly. It was peaceful to feel her love and feel accepted by her. He was floored that he was going to be a father, and he was humbled to know that he had the best wife in the entire world at his side.

He sprung up from their tender hug when he felt a kick against his hand. “O-oh! The baby! It kicked me, did you see it, honey?!” His eyes were wide with excitement, a rosy color growing in his cheeks. His wife giggled a bit as she watched her husband. His heart rate sprang up and he gently placed his hands on either side of her belly, he watched it carefully and said, “H-Hey! You can hear me! I’m your daddy! Yeah! I’m your father, and I promise to protect you for the rest of my life.” He gave her belly a soft kiss when he felt another kick. His eyes sparkled, brimming with tears, as he watched their child move within her. He helped women give birth for some time now- it never fazed him or affected him like this. This was something totally new that he was experiencing for the first time. This time it was different. This time it was their child- he married the woman he loved more than anything in this world and now he would get to watch his child grow before his very eyes. A few tears fell as he watched this unfold. It was a magical moment that brought tears to his wife’s eyes too. He hugged her belly, shedding a few more tears as he did so.

Through the rest of the night- things went on as they normally did. He would check her ankles to see if she had any swelling and he was relieved when she didn’t. He would rub lotion on her stomach to prevent any stretchmarks and routinely made healthy balanced dinners for his wife. Everyday he would brush his wife’s hair and style it like she normally does- course he messed up a few times, but eventually got the hang of it. She was internally grateful for Harvey. He provided her with as much comfort as he could, and whenever she had any cravings (no matter how weird) he would do his best to get them for her. He eventually started coming home with tomatoes though, considering that seemed to be what she requested the most. When Pierre would question him on all the tomatoes, he’d explain it for his wife. Pierre laughed and would send him on his way, “My wife requested tea leaves once! Not even the drink! Just the leaves!” Pierre would share through his laughter.

Everything had been going smoothly until he came home one night to find his wife in a fit of tears. He dropped anything he was holding and immediately ran by her side. She sat on the couch, holding a blanket to her chin, constantly wiping her eyes and blowing her nose. “What happened? Are you all right?” She didn’t respond, just continued to cry as she clutched the blanket. Retrieving her some water, he sat beside her and held her tightly. “It’s all right, I got you.” He whispered to her, which seemed to make her cry even harder. It overwhelmed him to say the least! He figured he would take this as any regular day, but she seemed to have other plans. He collected his own thoughts and wondered if this were the hormones talking, She should have primarily experienced this in the first trimester. They level off after a few months… He thought to himself as he continued to hold her. She finally broke through with a few hiccups of tears, “I was cleaning today- and- and,” He had no idea what she was trying to say! She half mumbled them, but she continued, “and I saw the books on your table, and those love letters!” She cried again, clutching onto Harvey, Heh, well suppose I can’t surprise her with that now, he sighed with relief when she said this, “I planned to give you a love letter after you had had our child.” He explained and she sat up to blow her nose, “Th-that’s just so sweet,” she managed to say. Harvey grew a big smile when he saw her- any fears he had had melted away, and he had begun to shed a few tears himself. “You know I love you, right?” He spoke as he reached up and wiped away a few of her tears. She leaned against his hand, “I-I know.” “Mm,” He started and pulled her into another embrace, “No,” he whispered, “I mean really love you. You’ve given me everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. I love you with all my heart.”

The rest of their experience together went by smoothly for the remaining time. The time was approaching that they would both meet their child for the very first time, both elated and nervous, they had each other for support.

[agent-cupcake]

Imagine having a child with a guy named Jimmy. Cursed.

OTHERWISE you all pretty much echoed what I was thinking, bless you.

cw pregnancy / forced pregnancy

(As ever, this is all in the context of dark personalities. I hesitate to say yandere, although that’s kind of become synonymous with dark personality AU’s and an obvious argument can be made that a darker take on the characters could lead into a yandere scenario) 

Ferdinand von Aegir

~While I don’t think he’d go out of his way to have a baby, he definitely wouldn’t take any steps to avoid it, either. That is, he wouldn’t really stray into breeding kink territory or anything of that kind but he’s not gonna pull out either. 

~But, yeah, if you were to get pregnant, Ferdinand wouldn’t be displeased by any means. He’d legitimately think it was the best way to “fix” things and out of a misguided attempt to ignore any negative aspects of the relationship and cling to the idealism of a happy marriage. 

~Just a side note, but I def see him with a body worship kink and I can only begin to imagine how that would intensify with his weakness for the softness and so-called beauty of motherhood. Whatever that’s supposed to mean.   

~Honestly, I don’t see him overtly leveraging  as a manipulation tactic. No, he’s good enough that his genuine feelings could do the job for him. Like, it’s not just you anymore. You’re responsible for another life so don’t you think you just trust him and let him take care of you? Oh, sure, he’d humor you (on account of the hormones) and say that he understands why you’re upset, but please just calm down. Everything will be all right, he’ll take care of you. 

~I think that Ferdinand would want a family even without the whole dark personality aspect. The way he’d see it is that children are a natural result of a union and love. He’d absolutely cherish your children if for no other reason than the fact that they’d be half you, although you can’t tell me that he wouldn’t have a horrible weakness for kids.  

~You’d be barely showing and he’d be picking out baby names and getting opinions on how to decorate the nursery and occasionally freaking out due to anticipation and nerves. He’d be really, disastrously, over-the-top protective, too. I just assume white magic would greatly lessen the infant and mother mortality rate but that doesn’t entirely remove the risk of complications so he’d be cloyingly careful about everything you ate, keeping tabs on any possible oddity going on with you. And, you know, I think he would enjoy emotionally taking care of you. Like if you were scared or sad or anything, I think he’d enjoy comforting you in a way that’s definitely not healthy. He’d enjoy being needed, I suppose.

~Yeah, so overall I view any sort of darker personality take on Ferdinand to be him, but with his sweet and noble and protective traits dialed up to an eleven without any sort of self awareness to make him pause and consider that maybe you don’t feel the same so having a child like this, as an intentional act of manipulation to make you stay or not, would be within the realm of possibilities.

Sylvain Jose Gautier (Bastard Man)

~Sylvain is pretty easy to imagine with a dark personality. I mean, assuming you have no pity in your heart and are willing to write him in a way that he never was able to get over his myriad issues, self hatred, severe distrust of people’s true intentions, and familial trauma.

~Assuming all that, and entertaining the idea that he could never find a good balance of repression and escapism, I think Sylvain would create an unhealthy emotional bond to a single person he believed to be exempt from his overall dismal regard for people and do this fun little thing where he’d chaotically flip flop between extreme emotions of distrust, blame, and anger and adoration, need, and a desperation to be seen as he was and still loved. 

~But it’d be a brutal cycle because he’s not the delusional type. Sometimes he could be, both with the good and the bad, but those would be kind of episodic. There’d be bad days where he’d be utterly convinced that you were just like the rest and he’d pick little fights and generally just be pretty pissy. But then sometimes he’d be blinded by love and so caught up in it that even if you told him no, he’d take it with a cheeky wink because of course you loved him and everything was so good. But, mostly, it’d just be a lot of dysfunction and Sylvain trying to lure you into a nice, good relationship with him by being mostly normal and decently charming and even, occasionally, being vulnerable (and tricking you into being vulnerable with him). 

~Anyway, back to the point. With all that context, why not bring a baby into the mix, right?    

~How many times does Sylvain bring up crest babies. Please, someone do a hard count and get back to me because damn son. So, may I just say, if anyone of these three were to have a breeding kink it’d be him. Is that controversial? Just think about it. Every girl ever wants him mystical crest cum, right? So, mentally, the whole thing would have a lot of weight and significance. Also Sylvain just strikes me as the type who’d be self aware enough of his dark and unhealthy needs that staking as intimate of a claim as that would be erotic. Unlike the other two, the act of forcing an irreversible and tangible change in your body and mind would be interesting. Not that he’d tell you any of that, or even dwell on it himself. 

~I’m torn between Sylvain saying it was an accident and him using the argument that since the two of you were in love, it was only natural that you’d start a family together. How could you not want to have his children? Better yet, how was he supposed to know that you wanted to wait. 

~But if you continued to be unreasonable, he’d go on the defensive. Like, what are you going to do? Leave him? For what? To raise his baby on your own? Or, worse, abandon your child? If you thought he’d voiced unfairly negative opinions about women before, the way he’d talk about a mother who abandoned her child and such a good, happy life with a loving husband would be infinitely worse. After all, he wanted to make a change in your relationship and be happy together. He wanted to be a good, loving father. He wanted a family with you. After everything, what kind of person would you be to throw that all away?

~So that’s... a lot. 

~But Sylvain’s the type to be awful in the moment then regret it after the heat dies down. Knowing he’d hurt you would genuinely tear him up inside. All of that adoration and desperation to keep you with him because he’d feel like he needed you to be happy would kick in and he’d break down under the guilt and tell you how much he loved you, how happy it made him to think that the two of you could have a family, that he knew you would be a great mother, that he knew he’d messed up but he would make it up to you, that you really could be a happy family. 

~Just saying, I can see him taking a perverse sort of pleasure in the physical effects of pregnancy. Also, he’d definitely be a lot softer with you. Guilty conscience, anyone?

Dimitri (Dimi) (Jimmy)

~You, dear anon, said it better than I could have myself. I agree SO HARD that Dimitri would be terrified of being a parent, but at the same time I think, if it were to happen, he’d be utterly enamored with the idea. There’s a lot more that I think about how he’d regard fatherhood, but that’s the gist. 

~Funny thing is, darker Dimitri is just like... More needy... unbearably protective... Paranoid... less stable... bad at managing his emotions when it comes to you... But, like, the same general emotions about fatherhood would apply because that’s already pretty complex. Only, this time, with an obvious emphasis on how it would effect you and your relationship. 

~I was going to say that I can’t see Dimitri purposefully impregnating you, but that’s not entirely true. In a fit where he’s feeling especially raw and paranoid, I think he would do it very purposefully and even almost-kinda-sorta relish in the idea. 

~I view his obsessive feelings to be like an itch he can’t quite scratch because he knows better than anybody how easy it would be to lose you and doesn’t know how to manage both his own instability with the unpredictable world because at any moment it could all spiral apart. 

~So, this in mind, he could believe that having a baby would make things different. More than just vows or words or rings or anything, it would be a concrete and absolute tie between the two of you. He would have an unquestionable claim over you that would go beyond the scope of just your relationship, you’d be carrying the royal heir which would give Dimitri even further valid excuses to be suffocatingly overprotective.

~It would be... So messy... On the one hand, I think the concept of fatherhood, of being given another chance, of being needed that much more by both you and the child, would really appeal to him. It could even sand off some of the rougher edges of his darker traits, now that he had this assured security in keeping you with him. Sure, the itch wouldn’t be scratched entirely, but it would be easier to ignore, there would be a solid way to reassure himself that you were his.   

~But Dimitri’s got this awful middle ground of self awareness. Anything that would come off delusion would be a result of his endless attempts at rationalizing his unhealthy feelings and trying to make sense of it all without having to actually confront the issues. But that wouldn’t mean he wouldn’t know, on some level, that what he was doing wasn’t healthy and how bad it was for you. The guilt would be intense, which would be apart of the reason he needed to keep you so close all the time because then he could pretend that you needed him just as badly, that everything was all right because he could take care of you better than anyone else. 

~Dimitri’s self aware guilt would allow a part of himself to understand that he should let you go. He could even, on the bad days, convince himself that maybe, one day, he would allow you to leave him because he loved you, because what he was doing was wrong. As long as you were near him, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself, he would always hurt you. 

~But using pregnancy to force you to stay with him would, perhaps even in an intentional subconscious way, cut off that last-ditch contingency to ease his own guilt and pain of what he was doing by keeping you with him. Now that you were going to be having his child, the royal heir, would mean that you could never leave. He’d know it. You would probably know it, too. 

~After that point, Dimitri would double down with proving his affection, proving that he was capable of taking care of you and his child and that you could be a family and everything would be okay. 

[wellimaginethat]

Baby Mouse

Pairing: Greg ‘Mouse’ Gerwitz x (female) Reader

Word Count: 1724

Author’s Note: I hope this is good and that I kept him in character because I’ve never written for him before (I adore him though)

Trigger Warning(s): Mention of pregnancy, anxiety/panic attack

Disclaimer: I don’t owe nor am I affiliated with any of the Chicago shows, I just like to play with the characters

Summary: Greg and Y/N have a six week old son and have been exhausted because of the new baby, so when Greg doesn’t show up on time to dinner on their first wedding anniversary, Y/N gets upset.

Y/N = Your Name

Y/SN = Your Son’s Name (because I suck at picking names)

You met Greg by complete accident. You weren’t even supposed to be in Chicago at the time but your flight had gotten delayed due to bad weather, and then cancelled all together, leaving you stranded in Chicago overnight.

He was at the airport because he had just gotten back from deployment and when he saw you crying, he had to see what was wrong and if he could help you.

When he sat down beside you, you were shocked and immediately looked up, wiping at your cheeks.

“Are you okay?” He asked you gently.

You sniffled and tried to force yourself to stop crying, there was no denying that this guy was a soldier because he was still wearing his fatigues, and you didn’t want him to think you were a baby. “Yeah, I’m fine.” You answered him, hating how weak your voice sounded.

He nudged your arm gently. “You don’t look too fine right now.”

You swallowed and waved your hand in the air dismissively. “I’m just being a baby.” You tried to shrug it off, but you could tell he wasn’t having it, and you sighed. “My flight got delayed until tomorrow, so I won’t be home in time for my baby niece’s first birthday and I’m just bummed out. I know I’m overreacting.” You tried to make it seem like it was nothing.

He just shook his head. “I’d be crying too if I was looking forward to something like that only to get it ripped away at the last second.” He spoke comfortingly.

You swallowed hard again and looked at him, trying to smile. “It’s just a bummer.” Again you tried to shrug it off.

“Why don’t you come have a drink with me and we’ll try to make your night better.” He stopped and a look of realization and embarrassment spread across his face. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

You genuinely laughed at his embarrassment. “It’s okay.” You tried to assure him.

“Well at least I got you to laugh.” He smiled widely at you. “So what do you say? I’m meeting a buddy of mine at a local bar, you’re free to join us.”

You smiled some and nodded. “Yeah okay, I don’t really have anywhere else to be.” You stood up at the same time he did. “I’m Y/N, by the way.” Sticking out your hand to shake his.

He smiled at you. “I’m Greg, but my friends call me Mouse.” He told you, shaking your head.

You tilted your head in and looked at him curiously. “Why’s that?”

“Well my last name’s Gerwitz.” He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.

You laughed softly and nodded. “Now I get it.”

He nodded, smiling softly at you. “So, Y/N, shall we?” He offered his arm to you.

“Oh, a gentleman.” You smiled and linked your arm with his, walking with him out of the airport.

That night you fell completely head over heels in love with him and he did the same for you. You stayed the night with him and his friend, Jay, but didn’t sleep with either of them and they were complete gentlemen towards you, and the next day Greg went with you to the airport to see you off.

You had given him your number and a chaste kiss before running off to catch your flight, not sure if he’d call you or text you, and you were pleasantly surprised when your phone dinged right before you got seated and you saw that it was him.

Over the course of a year the two of you formed a mostly long distance relationship, visiting each other only a few times, which was probably a good thing to get used to since he was still actively enlisted and planned on going for another tour of duty. It marked a year and a day when he called you up and asked you to move to Chicago to be with him.

“I know it’s away from your family, and I know this is probably crazy, but I want you here.” He told you honestly, you could tell he had a few beers in him and that it just made him honest. You could hear Jay in the background trying to stop him, probably worried that Greg was about to scare you off.

“Greg.” You spoke softly, stepping a bit further from your family so you would have some privacy.

“I know it’s crazy.” He said again. “And I know I’m still enlisted and I have no idea if you want this to go further.”

You cut him off. “When?” You asked softly.

He stopped. “What?” He asked, shocked.

“When? When do you want me to move?” You asked him softly.

“Wait, you mean you want to?” He asked, sobering up quickly.

“Yeah.” You said softly. “Right now I’m just a waitress and I can do that anywhere, and I can finish my degree anywhere.” You explained in the same tone. “I love you and want to be with you.” You bit your lip.

“As soon as possible.” He answered you, his voice bubbling with excitement and you could practically see the goofy grin on his face.

“Okay.” You breathed out, excitement and nerves forming together and making you feel like you would explode.

That was nearly three years ago. And now you two were married and had a son together and it was your first wedding anniversary, so you wanted to do something special.

You had dinner all made and the table set fancy, and you laid Y/SN down to sleep, and for being only six weeks old he slept really well, while you got everything set up.

Greg was supposed to be home at six, and when six fifteen rolled around you were starting to get really sad.

Maybe it was from the lingering hormones from being pregnant in your system, or maybe it was because you weren’t getting quite enough sleep due to having an infant in the house that constantly needed attention and feedings, or maybe it was all of it, but you started to cry.

And not just a few tears, no you were full on sobbing when your husband walked in twenty minutes late.

The sight made him panic and he ran over to you, dropping the bouquet he bought for you on the coffee table. “Babe, honey, what’s wrong?” He asked worriedly as he knelt on the floor in front of you.

You looked up at him, tears streaming down your cheeks. “You’re late.” You told him sadly.

“Oh baby.” Greg said softly, moving to sit next to you and pull you into his arms.

“I was worried you forgot.” You cried.

You could feel him shake his head as he held you to his chest. “Never.” He spoke softly, gently stroking your hair. “I wanted to get you some flowers but most of the flower shops were closed.” He told you softly. “And then there was traffic.”

“You should’ve called.” You knew you were being unreasonable, it was only twenty minutes, but at that moment you didn’t care.

“I know.” Greg whispered softly against your hair, kissing the top of your head. “I’m sorry.”

You sniffled and looked up at him, your mascara smeared and your eyes red. “And now I look like a mess.”

“I think you look beautiful.” He said softly, running the pad of his thumb across your cheek to stop a stray tear. “Just like when we first met.”

You couldn’t help but smile at him and laugh softly. “I made dinner.”

“Smells good.” Greg told you with a smile.

“I hope it tastes good.” You stood up from the couch, already feeling better.

“I’m sure it will.” Greg told you as you led him to the kitchen, after he retrieved the flowers from the coffee table. “These are for you, by the way.”

You turned and gasped. “Oh, my favorite! They’re beautiful.” You said softly, smiling as you kissed him. “Sorry I was overdramatic.”

Greg smiled at you and shook his head. “Don’t be.” He said softly, arms wrapping around your waist.

“I need to put these in some water.” You held up the flowers in between the two of you.

He took them out of your hands and set them on the table. “In a minute.” He replied before his lips found yours again.

Your moment was interrupted when Y/SN started crying from his bassinet in the living room, you pulled away.

“I got him.” Greg said softly, pecking your lips before moving to the living room.

You smiled softly at his retreating form before turning and plucking the flowers up, going to find a vase and get them in some water. After that was done, you set them on the table as a centerpiece before going into the living room. You were met with the sight of your husband holding your son, giving him a bottle and gently bouncing with him as he did, moving about the living room. You took your phone out and snapped a picture before going into the room more. “You’re so good with him.” You spoke softly, love in your eyes. “Such a good dad.”

Greg smiled happily at you, his eyes darting between you and the baby in his arms. “Can’t say I’m not nervous that I’ll screw up.” He admitted softly.

“Sometimes parents screw up, but we love him and that’s what’s important.” You assured him softly, looking at your baby boy’s face to see that he had fallen asleep while eating. “Looks like the baby mouse is asleep.”

“Really? You picking that up from Jay?” He questioned your use of the nickname as he set the bottle down and carefully laid Y/SN back down into the crib.

You shrugged with a slight smirk. “I don’t know, I kinda like it.” You told him.

Greg walked over to you and put his hands on your waist, leaning down to kiss you again.

You pulled away, causing him to pout. “Dinner is going to be ruined if you keep kissing me like that.”

He shrugged and gave you a devilish grin. “Then we can just order pizza.”

You rolled your eyes and shook your head. “Not happening.” You kissed him once before heading into the kitchen, him following you close behind.

[pinballwitxh]

my best friend - spencer reid x oc

summary: a member of the BAU team has become pregnant, and thank god for them. the group comes together to help her prepare for the pregnancy as she decides to remain single. as if spencer’s feelings towards her weren’t already growing, he can’t stop them now. a romance unfolds.

warnings: mild cursing, major SPENCER fluff towards the end :’)

a/n: something absurdly fluffy I need to get out of my system

The team let out a small collective gasp, but they wore smiles. Spencer’s smile was small, but genuine nonetheless. Garcia enveloped her in a large hug and squeezed her tightly, followed up by gentler hugs from Prentiss and JJ.

Rossi smiled, “An exciting stage in life, not that I would know.”

“Congratulations,” Hotch said as he stepped forward to wrap his arm around her and squeeze her shoulders.

Derek clapped his hands together, “That’s great, Lil’ Mama!”

JJ took the hand of her best friend and squeezed, “You’ll be great, how’s he responded to the news?”

Spencer cocked his head at her response, “Well, both of us have agreed we don’t want to pursue a romantic relationship but it was my decision to go ahead with it. He will have visitation rights whenever he wants to, but I will have complete custody no matter what.”

“That sounds like a plan that could work well, and from what you’ve told me he seems like an agreeable guy,” Prentiss said as the rest of the girls nodded in agreement.

“How long have you two known each other, if you don’t mind me asking?” Rossi asked.

“It’s a funny story, really. We grew up together, became best friends in high school and kept in touch throughout the beginning college,” she paused to think, “We lost contact for a long time, both of us went completely separate directions regarding school.”

Spencer switched the weight on his legs awkwardly, shoving his hands in his pockets. He was trying so hard to listen intently, but for whatever reason he was still processing the situation.

She was his best friend.

“About five months ago we ran into each other at the gym and turns out he’s been living in the area for two years now and we just reconnected. Kind of picked up where we left off, you know? Guess the whole dating thing was just never in the cards.”

On that note Spencer finally looked up and thought to himself how pretty she looked. It was certainly true that pregnant women seemed to have that aura, that physical glow. She was radiant, and clearly she was happy.

It made him smile.

“You’re gonna be a great mother,” Spencer said amidst the happy silence.

Everyone turned to look at him, but he could only see the small smile on her face. Tears brimmed in her eyes and she nodded, “Thanks, Spence.”

- - -

It was late into the fifth month that everyone began to notice the small bump growing. Spencer himself had created a pregnancy calendar for her and was constantly keeping her up-to-date on the milestone changes her child was reaching.

With each update she would laugh at the objects he would compare to the size of her baby. The advice and statistics he gave were endless. They weren’t the motherly words of wisdom JJ gave her once in awhile, but she knew the intentions behind them were good and honestly it was helping her to prepare. He was making the thought of motherhood more bearable.

Spencer was one of her closest and best friends and over time they had formed a tight bond. In the beginning she looked up to him as a brother and a mentor. He was only a few years older than her and it was him who helped her to settle into the BAU when she was accepted. They were the youngest and ‘freshest’ eyes the team had, naturally bringing them together in most cases.

There had been many late nights spent together pouring over evidence and profiles, bouncing ideas off of each other and coming to conclusions faster than the team ever had before.

They were an unbreakable dynamic duo at the BAU.

She grinned at the unmistakable excitement in his eyes as he greeted her with a cup of decaf coffee and began to spew new facts to her. He was telling her that the baby was probably the size of a bell pepper when he silenced himself abruptly.

“What’s wrong? Do I need to flip the tape over to the B side?” She chuckled.

“I can see it,” he said quietly.

“See what, Spencer?” She asked with a quirked brow.

He stared at her stomach intensely, “You’re finally showing!”

She peered down at her stomach and smiled, “I didn’t even notice, oh my God. . .”

She ran a hand over the bump and laughed to herself, producing a laugh in awe from her friend at his desk next to her.

“Hard to notice when it’s your own body, I guess,” she said.

Spencer leaned back in his chair, “I can’t believe there’s someone growing in there,”

This made her smile and she nodded in agreement with him. Up until this point it was always just a known thought and silent agreement that a baby was forming in her, but now it was becoming real.

Way too real.

She sat down abruptly and sighed, running a hand over her face. Spencer frowned at her sudden change in attitude, obviously stressing.

“You okay?”

“It’s kind of scary,” she said quietly, “I know I want to have this baby but, what if I can’t do it?”

Spencer leaned towards and reached for her hand over the desk, “You are going to be such a good mother, don’t doubt yourself. If anything this job has helped you prepare for motherhood, I’ve seen how good and attentive you are when working with the kids we see on cases.”

She looked at him in awe, surprised at his words.

“You’re so good with Henry and with Jack, you know they love you. Sometimes Henry asks when you’re coming back to babysit him instead of me,” he chuckled.

“I’m grateful I have you and the team to help me through this,” she said, “This would be ten times more difficult without you all.”

Spencer smiled, “We’re excited for you and want to be part of this, too.”

She squeezed his hand and his heart sped up, the heat flushed his face and the tips of his ears. There was probably a blush spread all over his face and he couldn’t hide it, he only hoped she didn’t notice.

“I appreciate you a lot Spencer, I want you to know that.”

The door to the office opened and they broke away, smiling as JJ approached them with a small package in her hands.

“I’ve brought you some supplies and self-care stuff! Figured you’d need a spa day,” she set the bag of gifts on her desk before gasping, “You’re showing!”

The girl laughed, “Guess a lot can happen when you have a rare weekend break from the team! I went home to see the family for the weekend,”

“Well that means we can go on a shopping trip soon, too,” JJ winked.

“Not too soon, just got a case in from-HOLY SHMOLY THERE IS A BUMP!”

Everyone jumped at Garcia’s outburst. The excited techy ran to the group and knelt beside the pregnant agent, studying her stomach intensely. The group laughed at Garcia’s bewilderment, “Crazy, right?”

Garcia nodded, “There is a tiny human in there. . .”

“Feels like I’m growing an alien.”

- - -

The case wrapped up and before they left the office, Spencer approached his best friend with hands in his pockets.

“W-would you like some help putting together a nursery?”

She paused from putting her papers together, “I didn’t even think of that yet. . .”

“I h-have some ideas! But of course it’s all up to you and I don’t want to impose on your wants for the baby but-“

“Spence, I’d love to hear your ideas,” she smiled, “You’re my best friend, I trust you.”

He smiled in surprise at her, “Well, I’m glad you do.”

The next few weeks went by rather fast and her bump seemed to grow each day. Every morning she stood in the mirror, examining every angle of her bump and running her hands over it.

Some mornings were harder than others. The nagging feeling of loneliness tugged at the back of her mind. Sometimes the tears would flow freely with no trigger, confusing the hell out of her.

Pregnancy hormones were dumb.

Spencer came over a few nights during the week with ideas and plans for the nursery that he put together himself. This surprised her at first, she had no clue how invested Spencer had become. There were sketches of nurseries and small notes and details he added, his attention to them was unpeckable and it amazed her.

- - -

Eight months came too slow, or so it felt. Her stomach was quite literally weighing her down and they were nearly finished with the nursery. Spencer came over almost every night to help her complete it. Sometimes he brought Garcia or Derek, since he was able to lift heavier things, and Garcia offered endless ideas and was always bringing gifts.

The child was spoiled by her extended family already.

One night after a particularly emotional night after a case, she sat down on her couch and let the tears flow. Her emotions had been haywire recently but they made her feel so inadequate.

Sometimes she couldn’t help but wonder if keeping the baby was a mistake.

She was alone with no companion.

The father of her baby and friend visited her once in awhile. He even attended Lamaze classes with her, however he had to cancel on the upcoming (and final) class due to a family emergency. Of course, she understood and insisted she was fine.

However, she was not as fine as she painted herself to be.

Spencer, being the profiler he was, knew something was amiss but couldn’t bring himself to ask why. Which was why the night they got home from the case he decided to pay a visit to her apartment.

The doorbell rang and caused her to jump. Quickly she wiped the tears from her eyes and splashed some cold water on her face. She waddled to the door (after long cases she felt so physically tired that it seemed waddling was the best option) and opened it slowly.

“Spencer, I thought you were coming over tomorrow? You should be resting, the case took a lot out of all of us.”

“Couldn’t settle down, I was worried about you.”

She went silent in shock but opened the door and invited him in anyway. They took opposite seats on the couch.

“Can’t hide anything from you,”

“We are best friends, you know?”

“We are also profilers, of course you could tell something was off.”

Spencer smiles, “I try not to profile my friends, I don’t have to be one to know that you’re feeling run down. It shows,”

She scoffed, “Run down is an understatement,”

The two remained silent for a few more moments before the quiet sound of sniffles interrupted it. Spencer sat up and observed as she cried into her hand, hiding her face from his.

“You can talk to me,” he said quietly, leaning forward to take her hand.

She nodded, “I know, but it’s really hard to admit something is wrong.”

“I know,” he said, “But I want you to tell me everything you’re feeling.”

And so she poured her heart out to him, every emotion she had gone through the last few weeks. Spencer sat quietly and listened intently, squeezing her hand every once in awhile.

“I’m so lonely sometimes and I wonder if this was a good idea,”

“Wonder if what was a good idea?”

She sighed, “Keeping the baby, not putting it up for adoption, sleeping with an old school friend. . .”

Spencer looked away briefly at the mention of the father, not that he had anything against him. He always felt a pang in his heart at the mention of him, though.

“I just don’t know if any of this was the smartest decision for me,” she paused, “I don’t know if I’ll be the best mom I can be for this baby,”

“Don’t say that, you’re going to do just fine and you have an entire team supporting you through this,” he said, “This baby is lucky to have you for a mother.”

She smiled sadly at him, “I’m not so sure about that-“

“You will be the perfect mother to this baby. Neither of you will ever be ever alone and I want to give this baby the best life-“ he paused, “I mean, I want to help give our baby-“

He stopped again with wide eyes and a blush. She squeezed his hand gently and nodded, “I know what you mean, Spencer. I want you to be apart of both our lives for a long time.”

He couldn’t look her in the eyes.

“I know you’re already Henry’s godfather and I’ve been waiting to ask you because I didn’t know when the time would be right but-“

“Yes,”

His sudden answer made her heart leap, speeding up ten times faster now. He stared at her intently, nodding his head.

“One-hundred percent, yes.”

She threw her arms around him and pulled him close, both of their hearts were pounding and it was silent as they hugged each other.

“Ouch!”

She pulled away and glanced down at her stomach, running her hands over it softly. Spencer frowned, “What’s wrong? A-are you okay? Is the baby-?”

“It’s been kicking once in awhile, normally when I listen to music on my speakers but,” she paused, “No one else has ever been here to feel it too,”

There was another kick and her stomach did flips, nearly knocking her to the side at how forceful it was. She let out another gasp as the movement continued.

Immediately she reached for her friend’s hand and placed it on her firm belly, “Do you feel that?”

Spencer’s mind and heart were both racing now from the excitement. He waited patiently for any movement.

A small kick to her stomach made both of them jump in surprise. Spencer glanced up at her and grinned wildly, “That, that was. . .”

“I know. . .”

His thumb rubbed small circles on her stomach, waiting for more movement. That feeling was something he couldn’t describe and he was so happy to be there in that moment.

The baby kicked again and elicited a chuckle from Spencer whose eyes were wide in excitement. She stared at him while he waited for more kicks, taking in how happy he looked.

An image flashed across her mind so fast she wasn’t even sure she saw it. It surprised her and scared her, somewhat.

Spencer would make a great father.

Spencer’s hands were warm on her skin and made her aching stomach feel better. She had a feeling the baby was enjoying the warmth and company of a new presence as well, and she was glad it was Spencer.

She wouldn’t have wanted it to be anyone else.

- - -

The hospital room was quiet as she lay asleep on the bed. The sweat had dried on her face and she could finally rest after a long night of labor. Her friend insisted he was there for the birth, so far co-parenting with him was going well and she was thankful for his willingness.

He slept on the couch peacefully next to her bed, both parents tired in so many different ways.

The team approached the room quietly, peering into it from the door outside. JJ made her way in first before the rest of team sidled in. She pulled up a chair next to their friend and ran a hand over her forehead, placing the loose strands of hair behind her ears.

“Hey, mama, you awake?”

A few seconds later her eyes fluttered opened and she yawned sleepily. A smile formed on her chapped lips and she nodded, “I am now,”

“Congratulations, mama!” Garcia squealed before silencing herself quickly, “Sorry, I couldn’t contain it anymore!” She whispered excitedly.

The man on the couch stirred and sat up, confused at the number of people in the room. He had met them once before, so he knew it was the team. He excused himself quietly to use the restroom and give them space with their friend.

Everyone gathered around her after he left and pelted her with questions about the labor and the baby. She was happy to answer every single one of them.

Spencer stood at the foot of her bed and noticed how blissfully happy she seemed. There was no anxiety in her voice, no fear in her demeanor. She was glowing, almost literally, and he was happy for her.

She caught his stare and smiled at him while the others engaged in conversation. He made his way to her side and took her hand, leaning down to place a kiss on her forehead, “Congratulations,”

She smiled up at him, “I’m so glad you’re here, Spence.”

“Me too,”

“Baby coming through!” A nurse in the doorway sang quietly, “He’s been asleep for awhile now but I think he’s ready to be with mama now that she’s awake,”

Everyone parted for the nurse that pushed the small hospital bed over. The agent adjusted her bed so that she was sitting up now and slowly she peered over at her son.

The team watched silently as she picked him up and cradled him close. The nurse left and they were alone again, soon cooing over the newest addition to their family.

Garcia poured slightly, “When are we going to get some girls?”

Everyone laughed, “Maybe it’s a good thing, you won’t have anyone encouraging you to shop more than you need to,” Prentiss said.

The team spread out over the room, taking seats and exchanging happy words with each other. JJ offered her seat to Spencer, then. He cautiously sat down next to the bed and watched his friend.

“Do you want to be the first one to hold him?”

Everyone watched as he nodded wordlessly. She handed her son to Spencer and laughed at his over-cautious movements. He used both arms to wrap the baby to him securely, holding him close to his chest.

“Look at that, godfather and godson,” Garcia said wistfully.

Spencer couldn’t even talk, his mouth hung agape as he stared down at the baby.

“He doesn’t bite!” His friend joked, “Hold his little hand, it’s so cute.”

Spencer smiled and reached for the absolutely tiny hand that was resting. He panicked as the baby moved in reaction to his touch, “Please don’t scream I know I’m not your mom-“

The baby opened his eyes slowly, focusing on Spencer. The agent’s eyes lit up as he stared back at him, studying the child. JJ smiled from across the room at the sweet scene before her.

“He’s s-so,” Spencer paused, “He’s beautiful,”

His friend felt tears welling in her eyes. Her baby stared up at Spencer so calmly, he was comfortable in his arms already.

“Alright, my turn!” Rossi exclaimed as he stood and made his way to Spencer.

Soon the boy was being passed around from team member to member. She reached out for Spencer’s hand and grasped it tightly, pulling him toward her.

He leaned close and smiled at her, “I’m really happy for you,”

“I’m really glad you can be here,” she said as she squeezed his hand. Spencer could feel his heart speeding up, a feeling he had grown accustomed to over the past year when he was around her. This time, the pounding in his chest was overwhelming and he wanted to be closer to her, as if that would make it stop.

He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles gently and smiled at her. She was absolutely radiant right now and he was more in love with her now than he had ever been before. Her brows furrowed, “What’s wrong?”

Spencer shook his head, “Absolurely nothing, I just can’t get over how, um,”

He tripped over his words, a tell that he was nervous, so she grasped his hand in both of his now, “Take a breath and try again,” she teased him.

He smiled, “You’re so beautiful,” he said quietly, “You always have been, but seeing you be a mom is incredible, I guess,”

“Oh, Spence-“

“I can get over how perfect you are, and all of this is,” he motioned to the team that was currently gushing over her son in Hotch’s arms, “Seeing you happy makes me happy.”

Her heart leapt and she couldn’t contain the blush. She had no clue why she was blushing.

But she couldn’t deny that had started to become a normal occurrence with Spencer in the last year.

“I love you, Spencer.”

He blinked once and his hand went limp in hers. He thought over the words multiple times in his head before he could even respond. Had he heard her right?

“You’re my best friend, I love you too-“

“No, Spence,” she paused and leaned closer to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, “I love you,”

Slowly his arms coiled around her back and he buried his face into the crook of her neck. He relished in her warmth and the smell of hard labor on her skin, something he would never forget after this.

“Please don’t leave us,” she whispered, “I can’t do this without you,”

He pulled away, “I will never leave the two of you, I promise,” he set his hands on her shoulders, “I’m in love with both of you too much,” he said quietly.

She smiled at him with tears in her eyes, “Good,”

His hands found their way to the sides of her face. He smiled at her and wiped the tears away with his thumbs, even when she cried she was stunning. He leaned in and sealed the space between them.

His lips were strong against hers and yet gentle as ever. She kissed him back slowly, her hand gripping his wrist. Even as she laid in the hospital bed, feeling disgusting and in need of a shower, it was the most perfect moment.

A cry forced them to pull away, yet their hands stayed intertwined. Morgan held the baby away from him awkwardly, unsure of what to do now that it the crying was picking up.

“I think he needs his mom,” Derek said as he gratefully handed her son back.

The rest of the team left to give her privacy for feeding, but her hand locked onto Spencer’s and with a pleading look in her eyes, asked him to stay.

THE MASTERLIST (MORE SPENCER FICS)

[hilllsnholland]

Tutor Girl

Pairing: Basketball Star!Tom x Tutor!Reader 

Wc: 6.2k (YiKES) 

Warnings: swearing, mentions of learning disability, depression, little angst but mostly fluff 

Summary: You didn’t plan on tutoring your best friend’s brother, Tom. He was an ass, cocky and a player. The worst. Yet, you also didn’t plan on falling in love with him either.

A/N: This took longer than expected...oops but whatever. If you can’t tell this is very One Tree Hill inspired, but I take some creative liberties so I hope you enjoy this because this was my favorite thing to write e.v.e.r.

The sharp skirting around the gym floors was amplified by the thudding of feet. Bright and orange, the basketball was passed between players of Tree Hill high school. Their rival school, Northridge High, were ahead by two points. Harrison Osterfield, the forward, spun around trying to find his best friend in the crowd of people.

Tom Holland shined, quite literally and figuratively, as he dashed between players. He was covered in sweat, bright red as he tried to make eye contact with his teammate. The crowd was at the end of their seats. Only twenty-seconds on the clock, someone needed to make a basket to win the game. This was the final game of the season to see who would make it to state. Tom’s heartbeat against his chest so loud he could hear it in his ears. He pushed out the glaring look of disapproval from his father, the roaring sounds of the home fans screaming his name. Harrison dribbled the ball, throwing over to Tom who caught it between swiping hands.

“Holland has the ball!’ The announcer screams. “Ten seconds on the clock!”

Tom pivoted, the ball raised in the air and away from his opponents. What Tom lacked in height he gained in speed and agility. Tom took one step forward, throwing the ball from the three-point line, and listening to the silence fell over the crowd. His eyes should be on the ball and the basket, but he’s gone blank. The ball has left his hands, it’s not in his control anymore. His heartbeats as the timer hits down to the final seconds.

“Holland shoots and he-“

*

Tom opens the paper in his hands once again hoping it would say a different name. Praying that his dyslexia had somehow mixed the name up with hers. Tom looks into the tutoring center and sees her. Tutor Girl. He hated himself for even being in the room, but this was his future on the line. This was his dream. His father’s dream. All on the lines of a trigonometry midterm. Tom walks over to her, tapping her on the shoulder.

“Hi, how can- oh it’s you,” Y/N somewhat chuckles but squints at him. “Did you get lost on your way to the gym?”

“No, I need a tutor,” Tom says sheepishly.

“Well, I guess you had enough brains to find the tutoring center then,”

Y/N laughs and gathers her books that were stacked on the table. Tom shakes his head asking God what he had done to put himself in this situation. It was his brother’s best friend, the girl who hated him.

“Y/N, you were assigned to be my tutor,” Tom says lowly like he’s holding back vomit.

Y/N drops her books. She spins around and rips the piece of paper out of his hands and scans it. Her mouth drops open and she can not believe it. Y/N’s first thought was to tell him to go request another tutor. Complain and say it’s a conflict of interest due to their past history. Yet, something urged her.

“I know it’s not the best situation but-“

“No, this is…fine,” Y/N bites her thumbnail while scanning her mental calendar. “Can we meet up…in the morning? Before school, because you have basketball practice and I have work so it would just work out better. Right? Tomorrow we can start.”

Tom blinks. Is this real life? Did Y/N really agree to tutor him? Tom knew she was the smartest girl in this school, maybe even state, and she was giving up her precious time to help him? It was a bloody miracle.

“That’s perfect. Meet you at the Waterfront Cafe?” Tom cracks that signature smile.

“It’s a date,” Y/N says but instantly regrets it. “Study…date…but not a date,”

Y/N grimaces, picking up her things and trying to shuffle out of the room as fast as possible. Tom watches her, smiling to himself as she hurries out. For the first time, Y/N doesn’t seem like his brother’s best friend. She’s…different. Although they were the same age, he’d always seen her as a child. Innocent and a little quirky. But the way she said the word ‘date’, it made his heart skip. Tom shakes his head at himself, gotta keep his head in the game of course. No time for tutor girl romance.

“Not a date, got it,” Tom says to himself, still smiling.

__

Y/N’s head was buried into the lesson plan she had set out for Tom. Her eyes focused so hard over the review sheets, notes, and his past tests that she didn’t notice him sit down. Tom sat back, snacking on a protein bar, watching her. Her hair swooped over her eyes, curling around the frame of her face which made it harder to not whisk away and caress her cheek. Tom instantly felt nauseous though, he was not a mushy kind of guy and this newfound feeling for Y/N was not sitting well with him. Y/N inhaled sharply, the hair blowing up and hitting her in the face again.

“You know you could always get a headband,”

Y/N jumps, startled by his sudden appearance. Tom holds back a cocky laugh, taking the final bite of his bar and leaning back in his chair coolly.

“You scared the crap out of me,” Y/N holds her chest. “Who knew spending all your time in the gym made you some sort of ninja,”

Tom didn’t want to laugh but he did.

“If you say ninja one more time I’ll leave, Tutor girl”

“It’s a deal,”

Y/N extended her hand to him but instead of a handshake, she dropped a pencil down in front of him. Tom rolled his eyes, accepting the pencil and the practice book she had laid out for him. Y/N goes straight to work, naming off different equations and mapping out how to do each problem. Tom followed her as much as possible, his mind wandering off from time to time though. Mainly about basketball, sometimes about food, but then it also landed on her lips.

It was crazy, fucking mad that he was staring at her lips. How full, pink, and kissable they looked. She didn’t even wear makeup, probably not even chapstick, but they looked like perfection. Tom felt his heart pump harder, stupid fucking hormones, he thought. But he was entranced by her.

“So then you carry that over…Tom carry the…carry…what are you doing?” Her voice breaks the glass of his concentration and he snaps to look her in the eyes.

“I’m just trying to understand your nerd jargon.” Tom shrugs it off and continues the problem. “No wonder you’re friends with Sam,”

He heard the snap of a pencil and looked to see Y/N was about to burst. Tom didn’t know she was so sensitive about her brother. They had only been friends, but now her reaction was making him wonder. Were they…a thing? Was Tom so blind he didn’t know? This caused…jealousy? No, never, Tom could never be jealous of Sam.

“Maybe I’m friends with Sam because he actually has a brain between his ears,” She snarled. “You really don’t see it huh? See how you treat Sam and how it affects him? You don’t know how many nights…”

Y/N bites her lip as if she’s said too much. Sam was a sensitive topic for her, as she protected him as if he was her brother. Listening to all his griefs and problems, she had become his ultimate confidant. But, she was not supposed to tell Sam’s secrets, especially to his pompous brother. The brother that tormented him blindly. Tom probably wouldn’t understand the kind of pressure Sam was under, the only thing he understood was basketball and cheerleaders.

“I’m affecting Sam?” Tom laughs and shakes his head. “By what? Trying to get him to join the basketball team? Trying to take him out to parties so he’s not cooped up in his room with…you of all people,”

It was Y/N’s turn to laugh. She slammed her book shut, shaking her head while curses spill out of her mouth. She should have known this would have been a bad idea. It was the worst idea ever. Y/N shuffled her things into her bag, upset that she wasted her time on him. Tom was fuming though, torn between needing to pass his midterm and not wanting his pride to wash away.

“You’re really this stupid huh?” Y/N snaps. “Sam is fucking depressed Tom. The pressure you and your dad put on him, it’s insane. He doesn’t want to be popular. He doesn’t want to be on the basketball team. He just….he just wants to be accepted.”

Tom freezes at the sight of tears falling from her eyes. This was not what he planned to happen. Guilt ate away at him. Fuck, maybe he was an idiot.

“We accept him,” Tom says in a hushed tone.

“He’s in your shadow, Tom. He hides behind you and Harry, wishing he could be like you guys. He’s the outcast while his ‘perfect’ brother takes the stage-“

“I’m not perfect!”

Tom yells and the whole Waterfront Cafe is staring at them. Usually, Y/N would be petrified to have so many eyes on her, but her emotions were overworking her and she was stunned by his outburst.

“If I was perfect I wouldn’t be failing Trig and English! If I was perfect I wouldn’t be struggling so hard. If I was perfect I wouldn’t have…”

Dyslexia was what he wanted to say. He mouthed the words, acknowledging how many people were staring at them. Tom slouched in his seat, embarrassed by the scene. His father would hear about this, lecturing him about his image in town. Gossip spreads fast and if he wanted to be accepted into Kansas State and be on the Wildcats, he couldn’t let anything smear his reputation.

Y/N watched him huddle into a ball like a child. He was ashamed, embarrassed, but most of all vulnerable. She had never seen him like this, frightened of the truth being yelled out. Y/N should have known, all the signs were there. With an audible sigh, Y/N drops her things back on the table and takes her seat again.

“Y/N, what are-“

“Carry the fucking five or I’ll leave again,” She looks up and smiles.

It was that genuine smile, the one you couldn’t resist because it’s perfect and everything you could want. Tom felt his insides turn, fuck that smile made him feel so weird. He didn’t fall so hard for girls, but Y/N was something special. Tom sat up and grabbed his pencil again.

“It’s a deal,”

-

Y/N sat idly, watching her student fix his mistakes on his recent English report. It was boring work, but she was proud of him. It was the kind of pride you get when your child gets a good grade on a test. It was encouraging to know she gave someone the fundamentals to gain success. Unless it was Tom, which was a bittersweet victory.

Her eyes went to the clock for what was the thousandth time that free period. Tom would be coming by after his midterm to show her his score. Y/N was a mess. She always was on big test days for her students, but this was eating at her. Tom’s ability to play in the last game this Friday depended on her. After weeks of studying, she had hoped it paid off.

Well, it wasn’t all studying. Sometimes they got food or talked about life a little. It was strange, but not bad. Tom had more depth than she first thought. He wasn’t all about basketball. He loved old movies and comic books. Things Y/N wouldn’t suspect at first.

“Hey,” A voice says behind her.

Y/N turns, expecting Tom to be standing there, either in glee or disarray, but it’s not. It’s Sam, smiling and taking a chair right next to her. Usually, the sight of Sam would make her so happy, but she felt…let down? Was she really that excited to see Tom? It could possibly be the nerves of wanting to know what he got wrong and right. But Sam sitting next to her, going on about getting tickets to a concert this weekend, it didn’t give her the same joy as usual.

“Do you want to go? I know you’re super busy ...Earth to Y/N? Did my brother really suck out all your brainpower?”

“Huh?”

Sam laughed, pulling out concert tickets from his pocket and showing it off to her.

“Oh, yes I would love too!” Y/N looked over to her student who was paying no mind to them. “Uh, so you sure you’re okay with me spending so much time with your brother?”

Sam looks to her as if she was speaking a different language. Y/N wanted to make sure though, since they had some deep-rooted rivalry and all. Maybe it was also a way of subliminally telling Sam that she was having confusing feelings about Tom. But Sam shrugged.

“I don’t care,” He snorts. “I feel sorry for you though. I bet all he talks about is-“

“Basketball? Not really.” Sam squints at Y/N. “He talks about his favorite movies and books. We talk about social issues. He even talks about you, saying that he wished you’d make dinner more often because your cooking beats Nikki’s,”

Sam doesn’t respond. He looks to Y/N and then looks down at the table. She can’t read his emotions either, his eyes are glued to his phone as he searches something on Instagram. Usual Sam, pushing all feelings aside. Locking himself inside of his head and refusing to let anyone in. Y/N sighs, wanting to comfort him but then a shadow flashed by her. Suddenly she’s picked out of the chair and lifted into a bone-crushing hug.

“We did it!” Tom exclaims, his test paper falls to the table with a bright red ‘A’ on it. “Tutor Girl, we fucking did it!”

“What?” Y/N scrapes up the paper and is stunned.

He fucking did it. What Y/N thought was a lost cause was actually her greatest victory.

“Did you cheat?” Tom looked at her, bewildered.

“No!”

Y/N almost burst into tears, jumping into Tom’s arms and hugging him. Sam was put off to the side, again. It was a common theme, but now Sam was being outcasted by his own best friend. Y/N and Tom didn’t seem to notice, basking in each other’s happiness.

“We need to celebrate,” Y/N cheered.

“Yeah, want to go do something tonight? Practice ends at six,” Tom sees his brother slouching in the chair, eyes glued to his phone. “Sam, you want to come?”

Both Sam and Y/N were taken aback by Tom’s offer. It was exactly what Y/N wanted though. She wanted Tom to finally accept Sam, insert him into his life more and stop taking the piss out of him. It might be a fever dream, but there Tom was, acting like a better brother.

“I’m good,” Sam stands up and shrugs.

“Sam, please-“

“No, you guys have fun. I’ll see you tomorrow,”

Sam looked at Y/N coldly as he walked away. Guilt overcame her, she didn’t think Sam would react so poorly to his brother’s encouragement. Tom, however, didn’t seem to mind his brother’s behavior. Shrugging it off and looking over to Y/N with that boyish grin.

“So, celebration? Ice cream and a movie?”  

Y/N felt excited. She felt the most amount of joy in her life as Tom was talking, but at what cost? The way Sam looked at her, betrayed and isolated. That’s the last thing she wants to do. Yet, looking at Tom, it didn’t seem as bad. It was one of those lose-lose situations, no matter what Y/N did, someone was going to get hurt.

“Tom, I…”

They met each other’s stare, and god how could you say no to that face? He was beaming, eyes glittery from excitement that made her heart skip a beat.

“I can’t wait,”

The words came out awkwardly, there was true happiness behind them but guilt poisoned her tongue. Tom didn’t seem to notice, giving her one last hug and walking towards the door, saying a thousand ‘thank you’s’ as he left.

“I’ll pick you up after practice!” He walked halfway out the door but peaked back in. “Hope you don’t mind if I’m a little sweaty,”

He winked. Tom Holland winked at her and she nearly lost her mind. If Tom had done that weeks prior, she would’ve thrown up in her mouth. Maybe the floor, maybe on his shoes. But today? She was filled with unusual bubbles that made her turn pink and smile. Tom left, leaving Y/N with her student, who was still oblivious to everything that was happening. Leaving Y/N to think what Tom would look like after practice

___

Godly. That is how Tom looked after practice. Y/N had imagined what he would be coming to her house looking like, but she never expected him to look so…so…so hot? It was sickening, but she couldn’t help it. Tom arrived at her house, knocking on the door instead of texting her, in basketball shorts and a cut off shirt. His hair was damp from taking a shower after practice, but his skin glowed. His muscles flexing every time he turned the wheel of the car. It was one of those moments where Y/N didn’t know how she ended up here, but she thanked God for it.

“So, hit up ice cream and then go see a movie?” Tom looked to her for a brief second then back at the road.

“Ice cream sounds amazing but,”

Y/N panicked at the thought of sitting in a dark room, so close to Tom. Hands maybe touching to grab the popcorn, or getting lost in the moment and he may put his arm around her. ‘Shit, thinking too far ahead,’ Y/N thought. Under no circumstances could she sit in a romantic atmosphere with him. Not today.

“How about you take me to your favorite spot?” Y/N tilts her head slightly to give off an innocent look. “Somewhere, hopefully not private,”

The last part was mumbled under her breath but Tom somewhat caught it. He dryly laughed, pulling into the parking lot of Coldstone, and shifted himself to her.

“I have a place, but I’m not sure you can handle it,”

“Bring it baby,” Y/N turned red while Tom laughed. “Not baby…I mean…bud…buddy.”

Tom hid his smirk as he got out of the car. Y/N glowed red, walking behind him, almost hiding behind his tall frame. Tom watched her as she scanned the glass, just so in control. It was hard to put words to it, but she was so natural. Walking so easily, finger a centimeter from the glass as she looked for the one she wanted. It was such a domestic moment, Y/N picked out two scoops of her favorite flavor while Tom got chocolate ice cream and paid. But, Tom was smitten. It was sickening how much he had grown to like her. It was so out of character, Tom was drawn away from most girls. Only going out for once if the girl had interested him. But what Y/N did for him was crazy. He even opened the door for her as they entered the car.

Y/N was on the verge of exploding. She stuffed her mouth with ice cream to make sure nothing stupid spilled from her mouth. If she was in the classroom, or tutor room, she would excel. Y/N could do math in her sleep. Write essays in an hour. Memorize the periodic table or physics equations with ease. Yet, sitting in the car with Tom Holland was the biggest challenge she’s faced yet.

“So, where are you taking me?” She looked to him nervously. “You’re not going to murder me right,”

Tom laughed.

“No, not today,”

He turns right into the lonely parking lot and Y/N can finally see where they were. It was the River Court, the basketball court right by the river, the one Sam always brought her to when they were kids. The only reason why they stopped going was because Tom had taken it over with their father, using it as Tom’s ‘special training court’. Y/N remembered that day clearly, Sam was almost in tears as their father sent them somewhere else. ‘If you’re gonna sit around and color, go home’. Dom had said. He wasn’t a monster. But there was a clear line of how he treated his sons versus Sam.

“I haven’t been here in years,” Y/N exhaled sharply as she walked slowly through the wet grass.

Tom walked next to her, holding a basketball in his hands. How typical.

“Do you ever get a break?” She mused and Tom shrugged.

“It keeps my mind busy,”

They took a seat on the rusty half-bleachers while finishing their ice cream in silence. Y/N had zoned her attention on the water, how it glistened against the setting sun and the boats going by. Tom, however, was focused on Y/N. It was the same sense of natural, how she looked so perfect without trying.

“I’m really proud of you,” She says absent-mindedly. “You were able to conquer your dyslexia, and you did it. It’s amazing,”

Tom felt giddy, like a child waking up to go to Disneyland. He had heard praise all his life, but hearing them slip from her lips was the greatest accomplishment of all.

“Couldn’t do it without you, Tutor Girl,” His hand touches the small of her back lightly. “You didn’t make fun of me when I spelled things wrong or got confused. You are really…amazing,”

For a quick moment he saw her get a twinkle in her eyes. She tried to not show the overflowing glee that came over her with that compliment. He was too good at winning hearts, just that boyish grin was enough to make her turn into mush. Tom felt the same though, he little glances at him made everything stop. How could this girl make him go insane but just being herself? It was insane.

“Will you go to my game on Friday?”

“Huh?”

“The big game. I want you to be there,” Tom watches Y/N snapped her attention away and quirk an eyebrow at him.

“I…well why? I’m just…Tutor Girl?”

Tom crumpled up the tissues in his hand while trying to find the words to say. He wanted to say, ‘please, I think I’m in love with you and if you don’t come I will die a slow, pitiful death’. But he didn’t. He faked a confident smirk.

“Exactly, you’re my good luck charm,”

Y/N cheeks become pink as she dives her head lower into the collar of her sweatshirt. ‘Fuck that smirk’ she thought. His words were so tactile, she could tell he was thinking through every word. Was he trying to play her like that? Or did he really mean it?

“Maybe,”

“I’d love it if you brought Sam too,” Tom looked from the River Court back to Y/N. “He’s been pushing me away more. I tried today, you saw that. He’s my brother but I feel like we’re…strangers, you know?”

That was the perfect word. Over the years, Sam and Tom had become nothing but roommates in the same house. Neither could tell you a single fact about the other. Besides, Tom liked basketball and Sam liked cooking and art. It was complicated at best.

“Trust me, I know. Sam will come around though.” She meets his soft eyes in a dreamy trance. “He loves you, promise. I know him better than he knows himself.”

There was no doubt in Tom’s mind that she was telling the truth. She was honest, true natured and he knew she was trying to help. It would be naive to think she didn’t agree to tutor him without ulterior motives. Y/N always brought Sam up, encouraging Tom to get closer with him. He didn’t mind it though, it was about time things changed.

“Are you and Sam…like a thing?”

Y/N knees faced towards him as she shifted her body. It was out of surprise, did she give off that vibe that she liked Sam? It was actually revolting though. More so than the thought of being with Tom a few weeks ago. It was like dating her brother.

“No, never,” She laughed while Tom sighed in relief. “We would never. He’s like a brother to me,”

“Same,”

Y/N laughed at Tom’s word vomit. He was breaking apart from nerves, her leg slightly touching his and how close she was. Tom had been with plenty of girls, either at parties or after games, but he had never been nervous. Especially with something so innocent as sitting on a bench with his brother’s best friend.

“I mean,” Tom panicked, dropping the basketball to the ground.

“What do you mean?” Y/N leaned forward a little further, placing her ice cream cup out of the way. “Why do you care if I’m dating Sam?”

It was a challenge, for both Tom and herself. She wanted to see how far this would go. The playful banter and longing touches were not enough. Y/N may be Tutor Girl, but she had to take her chance. Leaning further, her hand rested on his and he jumped slightly. Tom reanalyzed her body language over and over again, making sure this wasn’t some amazing dream. Nope, Y/N was surely flirting with him, biting her lip at him and blinking slowly. So, so irresistible. Tom placed a hand on her face and took a leap.

“So I can do this,”

His lips melted into hers into the most perfect, imperfect first kiss either of them had ever experienced. Their noses knocked into each other and their hands awkwardly tried to find a comfortable place to land. Even with that though, it was like magic. It was the best rush of euphoria Tom had ever had. Better than winning any game or party. For Y/N, better than any academic award or scholarship. It was a mess of teenage awkwardness, but beautiful all the same.

Y/N pulled away first, hands locked on Tom’s shoulders as she held him still. Her mind raced with words, thoughts that she could not fathom. Mainly fear. It all clicked too fast, the River Court, kissing Tom, and how Sam would react. It didn’t feel wrong, but guilt consumed her. This was exactly why she didn’t want the romantic atmosphere, to be alone with him. She knew she would do this, kiss him, fall harder for him, and then break down.

“That…that…I…but,” Tutor Girl was a lost for words. “Tom, I don’t know what to do,”

Tom had never heard her voice so small. She was confident, always, no matter what. Even if she was considered ‘nerdy’, she was a bombshell of beauty and brains. Right now, she was puddy.

“I like you a lot,” He stuttered on his words. “I don’t know why I haven’t seen it before, but you are perfect. I can’t stop myself from falling for you. I’m going off, but fuck I really like you Y/N,”

It was as if the whole world stopped. Birds stopped chirping, the basketball stopped rolling, and for a second it was just them. Y/N tightened her hands into balls as her whole body tensed. She felt dirty, as if she was hiding behind her best friend’s back. She kissed the enemy. But she liked Tom. Oh Lord, she loved every part of him now. What she thought was annoying about him was now her favorite things. His stupid luscious curls, devious smile, and even the way he said her name drove her wild. This was her hardest test yet, wanting to run away but also be with him.

“I...can’t,” Her words came out in choked segments as she looked to the ground. “No, Tom this is...bad. I’m Y/N, Tutor Girl, your brother’s best friend. I am nothing. We are not even on the same planet Tom. This can’t...we can’t…”

She didn’t believe the words she was saying. Every forced ‘no’ cut her up inside. The way Tom winced every time she spoke killed her. It felt like both of them had ripped out their hearts on stomped on them. Tom stood up and paced.

“Why? This isn’t some status quo bullshit Y/N!” His hands moved erratically as he got angrier. “If you don’t like me, say it. Don’t give me an excuse,”

“Tom, I do like you-”

“So, the only thing stopping you is what? I play basketball and you’re friends with my brother? Doesn’t make sense?”

It didn’t make sense. Of course it didn’t but Y/N couldn’t give a straight answer. Everything was telling her yes, go be with Tom. Yet, Sam kept crossing her mind. How disappointed and hurt he would be. Y/N couldn't do that, she had to put her best friend over Tom.

“That’s exactly it. It’s Sam okay? I wouldn’t have a good conscience if we dated. You hurt him, Tom. I need to stick by my best friend.”

Tom stood straight up, his shoulders falling back and his eyes locked on hers. His eyes were dark, misted in hurt. He didn’t bat an eye, grabbing his keys from his pocket and throwing them into her lap.

“Take my car and go home,”

“But what about-”

“I’m going to clear my head. Just...go,”

Tom’s voice was weirdly calm. Although he looked broken, eyes watering and his body starting to shake from keeping his emotions pent up, he was standing stoically. Y/N did not fight it, she took his keys and left. As she pulled out of the empty parking lot, watching Tom start to dribble and shoot around the River Court, she cried. Tears burned and her throat closed, it was too painful.

He didn’t dare look back at his car driving away. Streams of tears painted his face as he concentrated on shooting free throws. It was one of the few times he left his guard down, never again though. Tom had never experienced real heartbreak like this. He had never felt anything that was a fraction of this pain. Tom watched the ball hit the backboard and spring away. The noise drowned out a choked sob as he slunk to the floor and pitied himself for a while.

_

A pillow was knocked into Y/N’s face as she laid on her best friend’s bed. Sam slapped her again with it, jumping up and shaking her around. Friday night, the night she always hung out with Sam had turned into a shitshow. Y/N was too sad to care about anything so she sat in silence for almost two hours.

“Y/N, what the hell is your problem?”

Her heart was shattered, that was the problem, and it was all her fault. She could have had a happy ending, with the beautiful boy who was a star athlete and all the other girls were jealous. But no, here she was laying in Sam’s bed trying not to cry at the family pictures on the bedside table.

“Nothing-”

“Y/N, I know something happened,” Sam crossed his arms and sighed. “That day after Tom passed his test, you two were supposed to hang out. Tom came home at two in the morning. He looked like shit, and not the sexy disheveled bullshit he goes for.”

Y/N sucks her lips in and tries to not picture it. Tries to not picture Tom, red-eyed and exhausted from playing himself to death and sobbing. Tries to not picture Tom falling into his mattress, crying some more and wondering if he should call her. Because that’s what she did. Played music to the highest volume while staring at her phone. It killed it, even days later it killed her.

“Tom hasn’t been himself. Won’t talk to anyone, not even Dad. And you? You brought Tom’s car to the house and just...left? Without a word.  You’ve been ignoring my calls and the tutoring center. What the hell happened?”

It snapped. The final rope holding her together broke as Y/N fell into a mess of sobbing, clinging to Sam’s shirt as wails left her shaking body. She thought she had gotten them out the first night, but it was consuming her. The disgusting girlish sadness she couldn’t escape. She vowed to never cry over a boy, but she did.

“We...kissed…” She cried. “He said he liked me ...and I like him too…”

Sam deciphered her cries into fragmented statements and stared at her wide-eyed. For a second, she thought he had short-circuited. He squinted at her, eyebrows furrowed together, lips flattened, and his hands are thrown up in the air.

“And?” Sam waved her on to continue.

“And...what?” She sniffled. “I couldn’t go through with it. It would be wrong-”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Sam stood up and marched into his closet, pulling out a sweatshirt and mumbling something to himself.

“Sam-”

“Listen Y/N,” He points a finger at her and exhales loudly. “You are my best friend who I confided everything in. You know how I feel about Tom, so I appreciate you caring, but fuck it was obvious that you two were into each other-”

“Wait-”

“Sh!” Sam waved his hands again. “You never stopped talking about Tom, and he was always asking about you. And he was asking me about cooking and art and...life? I was just surprised, waiting for it to blow over once he passed his test. But, he likes you Y/N. A lot. Don’t fuck this up for my sake, because I want you two to be together.”

Y/N was in awe, frozen on the bed as Sam grabbed keys from the dresser and stopped down the hall. It wasn’t until he returned, Tom’s varsity jacket in hand, that she knew what he was planning to do. A large ball stuck in her throat as Sam grabbed her arm and hoisted her to her feet.

“Sam-”

“Not now Y/N, we got a game to get to,”

*

“Holland shoots...and he”

Tom’s eyes weren’t even on the ball. It wasn’t on the court, his teammates, or even Coach Whitey. It was on Y/N. She was standing behind the bleachers with Sam, wearing his varsity jacket, cheering and in awe of him. How long had she been there? It didn’t matter. The screech of the buzzer went off and it all went into a haze of screams.

“Scores! Holland for the win! Tree Hill Ravens are going to State!”

The basketball team rushed Tom, jumping on him and hugging him, but he pushed them all away. The crowd was cheering, confetti and ear-bleeding music played from the speakers, but he couldn’t even feel it. Tom only had eyes on Y/N as rushed to the bleachers. His father stepped in front of him to give him a hug, but even he dodged that, rushing to the girl of his dreams and picking her up.

“T-Tom, I-”

Y/N was whisked away in a circle, cut off by a kiss that could only be matched by movies. It was a blur of adrenaline and passion, his arms situated tightly on her waist as he kept her balanced while her hands tousled his sweaty curls. Although he smelled like sweat and gym floor, she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sam looked away from the two, somewhat sickened by the affection, and caught his father’s eye. They looked at each other for a moment, Dom smiling and waving his son over to the door. Sam rushed over, his father throwing his arm over his shoulder as they walked out and talked about the game together.

“Y/N, I can’t-” Tom said against her lips.

“Tom,” She pushed back like she did at the River Court, this time lovingly looking into his eyes. “I like you too. No ‘ifs, ands, or buts’, I like you so much it hurts. I’m sorry for freaking at the River Court. I’m smart with math, stupid at love-”

“Nice Mean Girls reference,”

“Asshole, you’re ruining my proclamation of love,”

Y/N hits him playfully and he kisses her again. Quickly, more flirtatious as he pulls her against him tightly. As if to make sure she wasn’t going anywhere.

“Like I was saying, I’m not good at this whole relationship thing, but I like you a lot and I want to be with you. If that’s still on the table.”

Tom rolls his eyes, gently placing her back on the ground but keeping his hands placed on her hips. Damn, she looked so good in his varsity jacket, a sight he’d get to see more of.

“Always, Tutor Girl.”

“That’s Tutor Girlfriend to you, buddy,”

Y/N smirked, taking one of his hands and pulling him to follow her out of the gym. It was completely empty now, except for a few janitors, and his family was probably waiting for them. Tom watched her lead him to the outside, smiling like the biggest fool in love. It was again, the natural way she was that made him feel like this. Everything was perfect about her, the confidence, brain, and the way she found herself into his life. It was like one of those fairytales, the one where the basketball star falls in love with the tutor girl, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

///

///

taglist: @starksparker /  @spiderboytotherescue / @laureharrier / @stuckonspidey / @hollandroos  / @iamnida95  / @vanetsu15 / @racewife2004  @spnqueen02  / @kaylinicole25 / @aaliyah-lampley99 / @id-rather-be-an-outsider / @fancybrittrash / @infectedrosee459 / @tragicluver / @jhanellamae / @tomzfrog / @mutuallynotmutual / @everybasicwhitegirl  / @oswald-1998 / @justaduckling / @peruvian-bae / @parkersvibes

[ebrown2020]

The Hard Feels about Choosing Adoption

Scrolling Facebook instead of cleaning, as per usual, I come across a post that was about national infertility week. It was a woman struggling with infertility, empathizing with others who also struggle with infertility. Her picture was a letter board that said “SOME DAY” with a little baby hat and booties. She shared about the heart break, struggles, and emotions that come from infertility, and my heart hurts for those who struggle with this. I personally, will never fully understand the emotions and the trials that come with infertility. However, I endure my own struggles.

I feel like an outcast sometimes. I don’t fit in with the infertility crowd, I don’t fit in with the crowd that doesn’t want to be pregnant, but I’m somewhere in the middle. As far as I am aware, I’m fully capable of conceiving a child! My heart longs to experience pregnancy, and to be able to join in on these types of conversations that I frequently find myself a part of due to the fact I love kids, and I love their mamas. And, if you know me then you know there is no question on whether I want kids or not. It’s a given fact that I dream of the day where I can have my own kiddos to love on. Unfortunately, I have more than one chronic illness, and answering the “Can you have kids?” question gets complicated sometimes.

Can I have kids? Well, yeah technically I can conceive babies. But it comes with a lot of health risks and concerns for not only me, but for the baby. I explain this to people, and to end the conversation quickly, I just tell them we are adopting because it’s what we feel called to do. Which isn’t a lie. Adoption has been a calling of mine since I could remember. Austin has always reassured me that his heart is open for adoption and that he doesn’t care how we have babies, as long as he gets to raise them with me. (He’s the sweetest, I know.) Him and I made the educated decision to not conceive kids, and to expand our family through adoption. We are genuinely excited about the journey and we can’t wait for the day where we can actually begin the process of adoption. I pray for our future child, and I pray for their first family as well. I know this is God’s plan for us and I know that where God guides, He’ll provide.

BUT.

I am human. An emotional, hormonal, human to be exact. I have days like today, where I struggle with the pain that comes from choosing adoption over pregnancy. There are days where I sit on the couch and cry all day because I won’t get to experience all the little amazing things that you get to experience when you’re pregnant. Sometimes it stings a little to be around pregnant people, and so I make lame excuses to avoid putting myself into a situation that would be emotionally difficult in the moment. I’ll find myself walking through the store and come across a pregnancy test, and I can’t help but think about the fact I will never have to buy one of these for myself. I’ll never understand the emotions that come with peeing on a stick and waiting to see what it says, and then sharing that moment with my husband. Coming to terms with our decision isn’t something that happens overnight. A few weeks ago I spent an hour researching some information on my health conditions in hopes to find a loophole that would enable me to safely have a pregnancy. Instead, all I found out was what I already knew. It’s not medically smart for us to conceive kids, and I called my fiancé and cried over information that I already knew when I sat down to research this. The heartache can get the best of me sometimes and makes me want to just risk it all. I have talks with God and I genuinely sound like a whiny toddler in the toy aisle when their parents tell them they can’t have something. I ask why, I tell Him it’s not fair, I cry, and I question why THIS is His plan for me. That’s the amazing thing about God. You can give Him your messy and difficult emotions. You can ask Him those hard questions. You can be real with Him because He understands that you’re just human.

So, while we are excited for our journey with adoption, we know it’s God’s plan, we know our future child will be everything we want and more, we know that the second we meet them it’ll all be worth it, we also know it’s okay to have these hard emotions. I can be happy and hopeful about God’s plans for us to adopt, while also grieving my plans of experiencing pregnancy and all that comes with it. While I feel like an outcast, like I’m the only person who has this struggle, I know I’m not. There may never be an awareness week for choosing to not conceive a baby based on health concerns. I may never find Pinterest posts about advice and tips and stories of others going through the same thing. That doesn’t minimize the reality of my situation and the fact there are others struggling just the same as me. I often feel like I need to put on my happy face when I talk about not conceiving our babies and adopting them instead. Sometimes though, I just need to be real and I need someone to know that while I am confident in our choice, I still hurt from time to time. I also want people to know that if you’re in the same boat as me, it’s okay to feel these things. It’s okay to be happy and sad at the same time. It’s okay to be happy and excited one day and upset and hurt the next. We are female humans with emotions that are on a never-ending rollercoaster. Feel all the feels you need to and know that it’s okay because you’re not the only one to feel this way.

[sup4l3e]

I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

[bolbianddolanhouse]

BNHA self insert AU [Book 3]

New? Read here! Then here!

Chapter 15: Why Do We Live? Just To Suffer?!

Beizu and I didn’t waste any time trying to escape for the weekend! It was our weekend! We agreed to go to our parent’s homes and hang out from there. I get home and nobody was there as expected. Saturdays are hang out days for the kids and short work days for mom and dad. I slam myself onto my bed, as I missed sleeping on my very comfy mattress. The dorm beds SUCK! I get coffee from the kitchen after a while and floated around.

“Hey Muffins, update me on the household since the last time I was here” I called out to the resting robo on the couch.

“It’s been 115 days since you’ve last been home, there’s been 4 fires and 7 gatherings at the house.” the robo listed “20 pictures has been added to the family virtual library. Mom didn’t celebrate her birthday. There’s been 2 lockdowns at the house, Tensei went to debate nationals in March, Hanaka got suspended from school that same week. Lili has video called every night for the past 2 months. And that’s up to date.”

“Only 4 fires? Huh” I took a sip of my coffee “Thank you for the update, whats the ETA for anybody?”

“Hanaka and Dad are due to come back from the doctors at 1pm”

“Doctors?” I whispered to myself “She never gets sick, hope she’s okay.”

It may not be obvious, but Hanaka used to latch onto me when she was a baby. She’d cry when I don’t acknowledge her before I leave the house and set my sweater sleeves on fire if I don’t hold her right away. She’s very much the little, bratty sister type but I still worry. She depends a lot on family support because of her fire quirk, it makes it very hard to live a normal life. Wonder if that’s the cause? I wait around and see them come through the door but it feels so off. Hanaka goes straight to her room in silence, ignoring the fact that I’m in sight.

“Hello Iwata, how was your trip home?” Dad said once Hanaka was in her room.

“It was fine but what’s up with her?” 

Dad sighed “She had an episode where she couldn’t control her fire. Nobody got hurt but it happened at school and the school made it a big deal out of it, calling her a delinquent.”

“So what’s the diagnosis?” I asked, processing what dad told me.

“Anxiety trigger, the mix of her quirk and puberty hormones are making her unstable” Dad sets down his keys to wipe his glasses “I really don’t know what to do. And I’m scared its going to be like when your mom gets unstable.”

“Wait, mom gets unstable?” that was news to me. I know of mom losing her temper when she was younger but getting unstable?!

Dad nodded and put his glasses back on “It happens when she overworks and stresses out. Once I triggered the breaking point and I got hit by her psych-blast. If your uncle Jin didn’t set up the robo to sedate her at the right moment, she could’ve died.”

I looked toward the top of the stairs “Well you’ve dealt with mom’s and mine anxiety things, how is this any different?”

“You and your mom have the same quirk and therapy has helped you two” dad started “Your sister doesn’t have the same quirk to body part association. How do you contain a fire that water doesn’t douse nor can be snuffed out? I want to help, I know how much she wants to live a normal life.”

“Leave it to me then” I said confidently “Lili isn’t here to do a girl talk, but I’m here to do a big brother support conversation! Maybe I’ll break through to her, who knows?”

“If you feel like it will help” Dad smiled “then go and talk to her. I’ll be down here making lunch.”

I make my way to the girls room. Before I could even knock, I heard her deep and heavy sobs. It was unsettling as I’ve never heard her sob like this. I knock on the door.

“Can I come in?”

“No”

“Why?”

“I don’t wanna talk about things!”

“I don’t wanna talk” I shake my bag of snacks “I just wanna share cheetos with my little sister.”

“...what kind of cheetos?”

“Hot con límon.”

“...okay you may enter.”

I open the door to see Hanaka in a blanket burrito, mouth and nose peeking out. Trying not to laugh at the sight, I sit next to her bed on the floor and open the bag of cheetos. I float them between us so she could get some without reaching too far. We just sat there in silence for a while until she spoke up.

“Iwa, do you think I’m a bad person?”

I look over to see her face peeking out “No.”

“Do you think anybody would love me? Romantically?”

Oh its that kind of conversation “I believe there’s somebody for everybody.”

“It’s just that, I confessed to somebody and they said so many mean things” her lips started to quiver “Like I’m weird looking, my quirks are weird, that my fire quirk makes it so it burns to hold my hand and who would want to love me if they can’t hold my hand.”

“Well that’s rude! They should’ve just said no and be on their way!” I never wanted to punch a child so much in my life.

“What was worse was that all his friends were there to laugh at me and it attracted more kids to poke fun at me” Hanaka got teary eyed “And I just couldn’t take it, I got all shakey and just combusted into flames. The flames were strong enough to set the play yard on fire. Nobody got hurt but it was still scary.”

“Nobody helped you afterwards?”

“Tensei, Petti and Kyanka covered me until a teacher came” she wiped her tears with the blanket “But I caused so much trouble and it really upset the people in the office. They called me a bad kid and that it wouldn’t surprise them if I became a villain.”

Oh hell no, that school is on my hit list for saying something like that to a child! “Fuck that school! You know what Hanaka, you’re not a bad kid, okay? And you are capable of love and people love you back, do you think Tensei and your friends would do that if they didn’t love you?”

Hanaka sniffed “No...”

“Would you do the same for them if their quirk got out of hand?”

“Yeah! Of course I would!” she responded passionately “I’m their best friend, and friends don’t let friends do things alone!”

“See?! You’re not a bad kid, you love your friends and family” I encouraged her “You can worry about romantic love later, the one will come around soon enough. Right now just focus on school work and being a good friend.”

Hanaka loosened the grip she had on the blanket so it unfurled around her “I guess that does make me feel a bit better” she brought her knees up to her chest “But now I don’t even know if I’m going back to that school. Mommy got really upset like you did at the school office that she’s fighting with the school officials.”

“Wow, good on mom to stand up for you!” I gave props “I’d do the same. But lets not worry about that and trust in mom to make the right move. So, lets change the subject! What’s new?”

Hanaka blew her nose and disposed of her now highly flammable tissue “Uhhh, I made a new friend. Which so happens to be the daughter of one of mom and dad’s hero classmates.”

“Oh that’s tea, who?!” I was intrigued by that second part.

“Her dad is ‘Can’t Stop Twinkling’ the Sparkling Hero” she explained “She was the new girl at school this year and she’s just like me and the girls!”

Her usual giddy self came back, warming my heart “And what’s that?”

“We hate our hero dads, love shopping and wanna be goth” she grabbed her phone to show me her lock screen “See? That’s us right before that juice stand behind us caught on fire.”

“Did you-”

“I don’t think I was responsible for that fire” she clarified “We booked it just in case anyone wanted to pin it on me. BUT look at us!”

I squint at the lock screen picture “There’s glare on your friend’s face.”

“That’s her quirk, don’t be rude!” she scolded me “She’s so luminescent that it hurts to look at her sometimes, and in pictures she’s always glared out. But we put her next to Petti in pictures to offset the light and take a decent one.”

“I’m glad you made a new friend! Has she been to the house?”

“Yup, she’s not yet used to the spicy food we eat though” Hanaka stifled a giggle “Her dad says that she was born and raised in France. He brought her over here because the schools in Japan are better and the hero work is abundant.”

“Can’t wait to meet them”

“Lets see during graduation season” she started then her phone pinged “Oop that’s the group chat, they’re sending their concern memes.”

Before I could take a peek at her phone, Tensei busts in. Which was weird because he ALWAYS knocks.

“Rosa! Okay, okay, okay” he said quickly before calming down a little “I did...a thing...wait- Iwa? When did you get home?”

“I got here late morning but whats the haps lil bro?” I asked “You look like you landed in a trash heap.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that happened” he said closing the door behind him and locking it “But back to the thing I did. PLEASE don’t tell mom and dad! Because I’m still very fresh from the thing I did and I’m still processing it.”

“Okay just spill it” Hanaka was getting annoyed “You keep saying thing like you don’t know other words! What thing did you do on your sleep over with the boys?”

“This” he lifted his shirt up to his chest, revealing a belly button piercing.

I was shocked, so shocked that I dropped the bag of cheetos that I was floating. Tensei is this good boy image with a punk-like personality. To see this rebellious side to him made me proud in a way. He looks the most like our dad but with a darker skin tone, so I guess this is his baby step into his true self. Hanaka was so shocked that the waste basket contents caught on fire.

“What the- where in Japan did you go to get pierced?” Hanaka asked genuinely “Those jewelry places don’t let you get one without adult permission if you’re under 16.”

“Don’t get mad, but one of my band members has a cousin that’s a tattoo artist and does piercings at the place they work at” Tensei started to get red faced “Sooo I showed him that I could fix his little barbel piercings for free when the boys and I walked into his shop for fun... And he gave me this as payment.”

“Tensei! You got this i l l e g a l l y?!” I harshly whispered “Why did you agree to it?”

“Yeah! It’s not like you to do those things” Hanaka scowled in concern “What’s gotten into you lately? Ever since you came back from Nationals, you’ve been acting different.”

Tensei pulled down his shirt and sighed “I’m sick of being praised of being as good and law abiding like dad. I’m nothing like him inside! I’m not some capri-wearing rectangle!” he huffed “I’m way cooler, smarter and talented then people give me credit for. I don’t need the signature quirk to make my way in this world! And I wanna change my image so people take me seriously...no more orderly Tensei, I wanna be anarchist Oro!”

Hanaka narrowed her eyes, like she was shooting needles into her twin’s soul “Is this because you lost and can’t accept the L?”

Tensei turned red and scrunched his nose “No! I’ve already grieved over that and took and L” he crossed his arms “Nationals was just a tiny part of the whole reason.”

“What?” I was lost in this timeline of events.

Hanaka leaned over to me and whispered “Tensei cost his team majorly on all his debates. So bad that the team barred him from going to more debates this season and has to prove himself all over again to get back in the top 3 teams at school.”

“Oof that’s some sad boi shit” I winced at the recap “It’s okay to still not be over that L, you don’t have to spiral like this.”

“Well it’s too late, I got the damn piercing already and planned the next one” Tensei took a deep breath “I’ve been wanting this for a while, to just rebrand and have respect as my own identity. Not some clone of my father or just be the ‘other’ Iida twin. But until I take the next few steps, please don’t tell our parents about this. I want to tell them myself when the time comes.”

“Okay sure” Hanaka and I agreed.

Tensei turned to open the door “Thanks guys, it means a lot to me that you support me.”

Man, things are getting crazy here! My sweet parents have to deal with this shit on their own and they deserve a vacation or the Nobel peace prize for being the most supportive during life disasters. Seriously! I didn’t see mom until the evening, she looked a little run down but I really wanted to talk to her.

“Hey mom” I announced myself as I entered the living room.

“Iwata! I’ve missed you so much” Mom said as she used her quirk to pull me in for a tight hug “You’re getting so big, I can hardly wrap my arms around you!”

“Missed you too” I hugged her back “I just really miss being home.”

“I bet, heard you did phenomenal at the last practice test” she smiled and caressed my face with her hand “Just like your mama back in the day. I’m so proud of you for using the good old distraction card! That’s what I was well known for, wildcard and distractions.”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about” I sat up straight “I don’t know how things are going to get for the Labyrinth practice test. You took the practice and the evaluated one, what’s the winning combo?”

“What? hahaha” Mom laughed for a moment “There really isn’t a ‘winning combo’, just being well versed in fighting techniques. That’s where your uncle Jin didn’t get to the mid-point, he’s a genius and has good speed BUT he lacks impulsive/on the fly thinking. Everything has to be calculated to the T for him and if too many things has gone wrong in his thought out strategy, those seconds he takes thinking of a new plan can be the death of him.” She sighed into another chuckle “And your aunty Mimi! Boy, she’s an amazing weapons user and she NEVER misses. But in the exam, she didn’t make it past the 3rd stage because the stand off was with someone that erases quirks. She depended too much on her quirk for her gun wielding and she got out because of it.”

“So you did the opposite?”

“I used my critical thinking to get me though all the stages. The place were I used my quirks the most were at the end to win the fight with the mock villain” she leaned back and looked up at the ceiling “The rigorous training I did for basically a year got me to the point of not depending on my quirks until the very last resort. Remember Iwata, just because we can do anything without lifting a finger doesn’t mean we should ignore how able bodied we are. So I suggest do some more strength and endurance OH and you might need to do some breathing training too! Never know if you need to hold your breath for a certain amount of time.”

“That’s a lot to train on, kinda makes me feel like I didn’t do enough” I got self-conscience “I wanna do good in this one! Not because I want to make you proud, but for myself. Maybe passing this will spark something in me that’ll give me an idea about my destiny.”

“Oh sweet child of mine” Mom looked over to me lovingly “This test won’t give you any ideas on anything, trust me. Both times I had to go into intensive care to make sure I didn’t rupture my vial organs, thats how hard I went in. Just give it your all and just ride the wave that comes next.”

“Did you think you’d pass?”

Mom snickered “Nope! The second time was easier by a little bit but I just keep telling myself ‘whatever happens, happens’. I didn’t think passing would lead me to the agent position I’m at today! Same how I didn’t think that giving the class a cookie would lead to finding the love of my life. So don’t let the ‘what ifs’ rule your self-worth, life has a way of surprising you at the very last second.”

That made me feel better about things. I’m glad I decided to go home this weekend, because I know what to do now. 

-The next day, At Beizu’s house-

“...you still have this?” I said to Beizu as I was rummaging through his closet.

“Wha- oh that thing! Yea” he responded “You were my only friend in elementary school, so that graduation picture meant a lot to me.”

“Really? That’s why it’s framed” I looked closely at the picture of us holding hands “We look busted with all those missing teeth!”

“Don’t act like you didn’t cry every time you lost one” Beizu retorted back “Besides, it holds something more special to me...it was when I realized I loved you.”

I counted the years in my head “...damn, almost 6 years ago! Why so long?”

“I didn’t know if these were romantic feelings or not. And you did your own thing in middle school with band” he sighed and sat on the bed “I felt a little left behind and I tried really hard to stay in your interest. I wanted you to tell me I was yours, I didn’t care if that meant friend or lover” he turned red “It sounds silly now, but I was happy if you just said good morning or spent lunch with me.”

“Bei, you were always in my interest” I floated over to him “Nobody understood me like you did. You were never anything less than my best friend and it took some eye opening to see that we were basically lovers anyways.” I put my arm around his shoulders “Are you happy that we’ll basically wake up next to each other for the rest of our lives?”

“Are you kidding me?! It’s my dream come true!”

“Great! Just making sure” I kissed him bashfully “because I was getting ahead of myself and looking into apartments in Taito. We’ll be able to move in once I get possession of my inheritance money.”

“I don’t care if I have to wait until I’m on my death bed” he tackled me onto the bed “As long as I’m with you, anywhere is home.”

How everything was coming together nicely for us after UA. In between training and schoolwork, we looked at apartments online. Everyone was envious of us having things set afterwards, but to be honest, we only have an idea of things! We don’t know where exactly we’re going to work nor where to settle. It’s a bit bold to think our parents will give us work when we graduate. But I’m following my mom’s advice and just ‘riding the wave’ of what comes next.

-Fast forward, Mid October-

Beizu, Gee and I take advantage of the half-day of school by filling it with training in the disaster practice gym.

“Huh? The door is unlocked?” Gee said as she checked the door, key in hand “Did we come on the wrong day?”

“No, we have today reserved for us” Beizu pointed to the bulletin board next to the doors “See, we’re in the right.”

We walked on in and checked for anybody that straggled from the last session. But we found three people having banter on a rock.

“Remember the days of disaster training with sensei?!” said a familiar female voice.

“Ugh! Shut up or his ghost is gonna show up and bark at us to do wall sits” said another familiar male voice.

“Rich coming from someone that shat their pants the first time they shot a gun” shaded a Russian accent.

“Mom? Aunty and Uncle?” I spoke up as we got closer “What are you doing here? Aren’t you guys supposed to be agents today?”

“We came to interrogate the administrators here and since we finished early” Aunty Mimi explained “Your mom wanted to take a trip down memory lane. Back to the days of our youth.”

“Speak for yourself! I’m still nimble to go on a tussle like I did in high school” mom flexed her arms “They called me the sparring queen during my time here. I never lost a spar and I still maintain that streak.”

Uncle Jin rolled his eyes “Just because you still train like you’re gonna go to war! Bet you’ll get folded like an omelet if you did a one on one right now.”

“Alright bet!” Mom huffed at the challenge and pointed at me “Iwata, would you be a dear and spar mommy?”

“Oh shit your mom just challenged you” Gee gasped “What are you gonna do?”

“Fuckin fight I guess!” I said with my hands in the air “Let me stretch first though.”

Mom hopped and clapped “Yay! I’ll meet you in the circle in a bit sweetie.”

“Are- are they always like that?” Gee whispered to Beizu and I when the other three were out of earshot “I didn’t know your mom, aunt and uncle were so chummy with each other, like they’re teenagers.”

Beizu groaned into a sigh “All the time! You’re used to our aunt being on sensei mode when we do weapons class, but put them in the same room and they’re one bad decision away from throwing hands.”

“Don’t get us wrong! We love seeing them having fun” I say as I do my stretches “But when we get roped in, we don’t have the means to escape! And I can’t pass this up” I stretch my sides “I’ve NEVER sparred with my mom! She’s only quirk trained me but never the punchy stuff. I really want to see if I’m on par because we have the same quirk.”

We finally walked up to the sparring circle where the agent trio were still reminiscing.

“Ready to throw down nephew?” uncle Jin hyped me up “You’re in for the fight of your life!”

“Don’t scare him!” Mom scolded before dramatically pulling off her agent office uniform to reveal her two piece training clothes “I’d be shitting my pants if I had to fight my mom too. Your hype isn’t helping Jin.”

“Woah, your mom has an amazing physique!” gasped Gee, giving my mom the look over “And with the tattoos?! I can’t even tell if she gave birth to you. Man I hope to be that hot when I’m older.”

“I like your friend there Iwata, she knows what’s good” Mom said as she walked to the middle of the circle “Come now, step into the circle and show mommy what power my little baby boy can harness.”

I blushed hard as I walked up to her “Mom don’t coddle me in front of my team! So embarrassing!”

“Oop sorry baby!” she quickly covered her mouth “Force of habit!”

“Okay rules are first one to pin the other for the ten count is the winner. No weapons and no boundaries” Jin officiated “give the arm brace and assume the position.”

“What’s the arm brace? I only know about the bowing before starting” I whispered to my mom.

“Oh here, hold out your arm” she demonstrated then griped my tricep “now grip mine... there! This is how we show respect before an agent spar.”

I looked at our arms, then into her eyes. Those were the eyes of a woman that has 5 strategies ready to go to win. Those eyes has seen it all and isn’t afraid to do it all again. Wonder if she sees the anxiety in mine? I didn’t have the time to ponder these thoughts, the spar started and she didn’t let up. Immediately I felt the sting of a slap on my face, followed by the whoosh of her movement. What scared me a bit was that the whole time is was silent. Not a single grunt and her breathing was controlled, like she was conserving her energy. She dodged all of my attacks but didn’t land a single attack on me.

“Tired?” asked Mom as I stood to catch my breath.

“I can still fight” I wiped my forehead “hit me mom!”

The smirk that spread on her face was so wicked, I regretted my life because I just played into her trap.

“As you wish mijo!” Mom bellowed as she levitated herself up, followed by pistons jutting out of her body “Nothing personal Iwata” she pointed her palm at me, piston charging with energy “Mama isn’t ready to lose.”

And like the dumb ass I am, I charged right at her with my palm piston. And at the very last second...she grabbed me by the wrist with her other hand to seismic toss me onto the ground. I felt the weight of her foot on my back and knew that I was done for. My arm was locked and I was too tired to get back up, I saw uncle Jin’s feet near me.

“...8, 9, 10!” uncle Jin finished counting down “Winner is our undefeated Queen of Spars, Agent 19!”

“See? Told you I still got it!” She picked me up like when I was child “You okay? Did I hurt you?”

“No I’m okay” I responded to ease her worried tone “But I played right into your trap! You tired me out on purpose and edged me on to strike so I could lock my dominate arm. So simple but effective!”

Mom giggled “You’re so smart! I have a wicked high stamina and my quirk is amplified the more tired I am. So either way, my enemy isn’t leaving unscathed.”

“Wow! You’re absolutely incredible Mrs Iida!” fawned Gee “What else should we study before the test?”

“Just endurance and critical thinking” Mom responded “it’s that simple really. Wish the answer was more thought provoking or full of wisdom.” She looked at her watch “Well it was fun kids but we have to head back to our office to do all that boring office agent stuff.”

“Okay, bye mom! Bye Uncle and Aunty!” I chimed as I waved.

We watched them leave via portal and we continued with our training. I take the critical thinking part more seriously knowing that my mom applied it our spar. But I really don’t know if I’m going about it right! She makes it seem so easy and I wish I was at her level of super genius, big brain strategy.

-Day of Labyrinth practice exam-

“Bei, I’m shitting myself” I say as I finish suiting up “I’m so nervous that I just might anxiety shit myself.”

“That’s not a thing Iwa and you know it” Beizu responded as he finished lacing up his boots “Everything is going to go well! Watch, we’ll all pass and without intensive care afterwards.”

“I hope you’re right” I smiled at him “kiss me good luck?”

Beizu hopped and put his arms around my neck “Okay, one kiss. Then we go in the waiting chamber.”

Sooooo, things were not going well. Gee croaked at level 3 and Beizu didn’t even make it into the doors of the 5th level! He spent too much of his energy in level 4 that he passed out on the moving platform on the way to the next level. Now it’s up to me and I tried really hard not to tire myself out. I see where Gee failed in level 3, there was fast moving projectiles and she isn’t the fastest. Everything was going alright until the 5th level, my quirk stopped working and I panicked. There was nothing in the room and the exit door was locked. I had to think fast, what would I do if my siblings locked me in a room?

“Oh? Feeling trapped?” taunted someone that came into view “You can’t leave until you defeat me! But what is a quirkless agent going to do?!”

“I don’t need quirks” I reach for my gun and cock it “You really wanna fuck with me? I’m a child, WITH A FUCKING GUN! HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?!”

The person was visibly nervous “Psh! I’ve seen plenty of gun fights!” they started to fumble their words “Come on, shoot me!”

“Naw, don’t feel like shooting you” I aim at the light fixtures on the ceiling “Eat broken light bulb BITCH!”

The lights went out and the sound of broken glass hitting the ground was oddly satisfying. I check to see I could use my quirks again and surely, I started floating. Once the door beeped to signal the level cleared, I made my dash to the next level before the final level. Next level wasn’t too hard, at least not for me, I knew how to swim and hold my breath for longer than 2 minutes. That would’ve sucked for anyone that didn’t know how to swim, gotta hand it to my mom for teaching all of us how to swim when we were kids. I get to the rescue part of the final level and it was fine until the ‘villain’ showed themselves.

“Not so fast agent! You’re forgetting someone important” said the villain as they walked into view.

“Nice try villain, all 8 hostages are safe and accounted for in rescuers care” I said smugly as I raised my gun at them “Lets make this quick.”

“I think you’ll want to put your gun down” the villain revealed someone tied up in a cage “You wouldn’t want to hurt my favorite prisoner.”

“Iwata, don’t shoot...please” said the hostage weakly.

I looked at the hostage closer and it’s...mom? That didn’t seem right to me. This person sounded like her and looks like her from the face. In fact, the whole room changed too! I was under some sort of illusion quirk and I didn’t want to risk shooting something that might cost me points. So I lowered my gun and started to scheme.

“Aww you don’t want to hurt mommy?” taunted the villain “To think that the hot shot agent, grown weak and aged terribly! Do something momma’s boy! Don’t you want to be a big shot agent like mommy? Or are you just as weak as she is?!”

I get an idea “Oye mama, tengo hambre!”

“What-” whispered the villain in panic.

“Que vas a cocinar hoy? Un pozole o taquitos?” I kept going, knowing that I threw the ultimate curve ball in this plan.

“I don’t understand you sweetie” responded fake mom “I’m so weak from my fight, that I lost.”

“That’s okay mommy” I smiled calmly “Will you sing me my favorite song? You’re never too tired to sing!”

“ENOUGH!” cried out the villain “make one wrong move, and I’ll kill her!” she took out a dagger.

“Okay then, fine” I stood completely still with my hands on my hips, ready to do plan B “I won’t move then.”

The villain was super confused on my erratic actions. But it was working because they started to pull back the illusion in the room. Once I saw the door, I knew that victory was in reach.

“We can stand here all day” said the villain bringing the dagger closer to fake mom’s throat “But think about your poor mother’s health! Do you really want her death on your conscience?”

“...any second now” I warned before I gave a content smile “You underestimate me villain! I’m not my mother, I am me! And I have a secret bio-weapon that I’ve just released into the room.”

“A bio-weapon?” the villain looked around frantically “I don’t- oh my- WHAT’S THAT HORRID STENCH?!”

I look at fake mom slowly fade and I knew that I was in the clear. The villain fell to their knees and vomited.

“Eat taser WHORE!” I said right before tasering them and put them in cuffs “do more research on our family next time and maybe this would’ve been a challenge!”

“LABYRINTH PRACTICE TEST CONCLUDED, AGENT 88 HAS CLEARED AND PASSED.”

The doors opened and I walked through to see my teammates, sensei and the test proctors waiting for me at the end of the hall.

“That was amazing!” cried out Gee “We saw everything on the proctor’s panels. How did you know that wasn’t your mom?”

“The person in the cage looked like my mom from the face but my mom is more petite,” I took my visor off “The one in the cage looked taller and didn’t have the big butt and thighs like my mom has.”

“Yo that spanish speaking was the biggest wildcard!” Beizu complimented “You knew that the villain had to break at that vital detail that they didn’t know. And that last line, chef’s kiss.”

“Aw shucks guys, I’m latino and can’t help but to be dramatic about it” I start blushing and acted coy “Kinda wish the illusion was more convincing though.”

“What was that ‘bio-weapon’ you released that made the villain basically pass out?” asked sensei “You don’t have the quirk that can do that.”

“Oh I farted” I confessed shamelessly “I’ve been holding that one in since I started the test...I also suggest decontaminating that room, my farts spread quickly and linger.”

Everyone but Beizu got visibly disgusted. Doesn’t matter because I passed and I can’t wait to tell my parents that I farted my way to victory. Nothing can stop me right now, I’m all the way up.

-Chapter 15, end-

<Previous-Next>

[littlemeowmeowschimmy]

Sugar Daddy [Hoseok x Reader] 9

credit: littlemeowmeowschimmy

Requests opened // prev - m.list - next

Genre: Romance // Angst // Smut

Summary: A sudden request to be one of the most powerful man’s sugar baby comes apart of your life, it’s hard to turn it down. However, through the process of this relationship, you slowly start to feel for him..but then again, you become extremely wary of the position you’re in. Will this end well…?

WC: 2.3k

A/N: Ah sorry for whomever asked to be tagged. I wrote it down somewhere and then lost it D: Just send me a message (dm or through ask) and I’ll put you on the next chapter for the tag list! Anyways, here’s the next update, sorry loves it’s been awhile. 

»»————-　★　————-««

You kept distancing yourself from Hoseok as the seasons started to change. Or so it felt like you were distancing yourself from him. Hoseok continued to get busier by the second, meaning that he didn’t have a lot of time for you. Which made you feel like you weren’t good enough in the first place. Although, despite not giving him what he wanted, Hoseok stayed good to his word. He continued to pay for your college tuition, and sending you gifts whenever he could.

Although those gifts were few and they weren’t big either. You were getting a little pessimistic as the air grew more relaxed, and your feelings for him grew distant. Everything seemed to be going well at work, despite your boss knowing what happened between you and Hoseok. That would forever be in the back of your mind as you sat there, trying to figure out what your next move would be. Of course, your career could be ruined even before you started it.

Small thoughts like such ran throughout your every being. You couldn’t help yourself, though, considering that you joined because of your best friend. Speaking of whom, Ayeong had her hands full with sophomore. For some reason, she found him to be attractive, humorous, and everything that was not someone her age. Although you couldn’t deny that his looks weren’t there, you had to step back just a little because of the age difference.

Yeah, it was only two years apart, but something about younger men didn’t appeal to you. However, you shouldn’t be speaking as Hoseok was and is only two years older than you are so you weren’t utterly unsatisfied with her decision. Ayeong often showed pictures of him whenever she decided to gush. Park Jimin was known for his excellent dance skills and innocent mind.

However, as Ayeong pointed out, he wasn’t so innocent in bed. Plus, what he was hiding under his clothes was something to look forward to as she often put it. Since your positions had flipped, you were on the receiving end of things. Listening to Ayeong speaks about how amazing Jimin was in bed, amongst other things. You were happy for your friend, but it certainly felt like you were missing apart from yourself.

Without Hoseok, everything just kind of went back to normal. The world wasn’t as “colorful,” as one would say. It felt like a rush with him, and since you weren’t getting it anymore...

The loud bang of your forehead hitting your desk took you from your thoughts. It was another sleepless night as you had purposefully pushed your final project to the side. Since the end of the semester was coming, you assumed that you would be able to fly by with perfect colors. Not have to worry about your final project as it was due months away. Now, since the deadline was only a couple of weeks instead of a couple of months, you were scrambling to get everything done.

The project was based around your dreams and aspirations. Your professor wanted you to get out of the box and think about things that weren’t so reality driven. The more creative, the better he’d often say. Now with your mind somewhere else, the innovative “juices” weren’t flowing. You sounded like a lovesick fool with how often you thought about Hoseok.

Hell, you even told yourself that you were beginning to become someone that you hated. Maybe you should have listened better during sex education when they talked about the hormones. Perhaps that’s what brought you closer to Hoseok, or perhaps it was because you were genuinely attracted to his personality. Hell, you had only known the man personally for what seemed like half the year.

Now that he was beginning to become distant, again, it just didn’t feel right. When you heard your phone go off, you groaned. Assuming that it was Ayeong calling, you didn’t bother to look at the ID.

“Ayeong, if you’re going to brag about Jimin’s dick, I don’t want to hear it.” You mumbled pressing your cheek against the wooden desk. What brought you to your senses was hearing a familiar chuckle from the other end. You immediately sat up straighter, a light flush escaping your cheeks.

“Whomever this Jimin person is,” Hoseok started in a honey tone. “I’m sure he has a lot to show if Ayeong is cooing over him.”

“I - um - Hoseok -“ You paused fumbling over your words and scrambling to get up. it was almost as if you were seeing him at the front door with how quickly your body reacted to him. “I mean Mr.Jung, I’m sorry about that.” You mentioned pushing your desk chair in and then fixing the cardigan on your shoulders. Hoseok just clicks his tongue in response, later shifting from wherever he sat.

You could picture him in his bedroom, leaning against the doorway out to the patio. Seoul’s lights were flickering from below and his face lightened by the moon. It was almost too stereotypical to picture him holding a glass of whiskey or wine, but you could’ve seen him without one. He seemed to drink a lot whenever you were around, but it was in moderation.

Although, you remembered him telling you about the drinking problem in his family. Why he only had a couple of glasses a night, or sometimes not any at all. Pushing that aside, you too moved towards your small patio. Opening the door just a crack to feel the cool breeze outside. But with how the smog was lately, you couldn’t have it open for far too long...

“It’s good to hear your voice Y/n,” he spoke, bringing the glass up to his lips, then gently set it down. Your heart was beating a thousand times in your chest as it felt like you were on the phone with the love of your life. Or some silly little school crush.

“Right back at ya,” you nervously laughed pushing your doors shut then moving around back towards your bed. You shifted towards the middle, bringing your back to the wall and your knees up to your chest. There, you drummed your fingers along your knees, eyes scanning everywhere so you wouldn’t focus on one thing.

The silence was starting to get to you both, as it seemed like it would eat you two alive. No one said anything for a while, both of you thinking about different things. Hoseok was thinking about how to invite you over to something, and you were thinking about how and why he was calling you. The second you decided to open your mouth, so did Hoseok and it certainly felt like you two were in a cheesy movie together.

Hoseok chuckled once again, the sound sending your heart into your throat and your cheeks to brighten. When he offered that you go first, the silence took back over. How were you going to tell him that you were upset with him not making any contact? Maybe if you were, to be honest with him, that solve your problems, but then again, you were afraid of confrontation.

“Y/n,” Hoseok starts picking the glass of wine up again. “Is something the matter?” he questions pursing his lips.

“Yeah..actually there is.” You slowly started after his question. Since his silence was an answer to your own, you decided to tell him everything. Pieces that you thought would at least spark a conversation. You explained to him how you didn’t particularly enjoy being distant from him.

Although, you continued to stress that you understood why he was distant. Being a CEO wasn’t precisely a laid back kind of job. So you just rambled on for what seemed like an hour and a half but was only twenty minutes. Hoseok patiently waiting and listening as you spilled your guts out to him. Now you certainly felt like you were in a cheesy rom-com with him.

Especially when the line went silent again and the only thing you could hear was the ticking from your clock. When Hoseok didn’t answer, you called out to him. Only to get a grunt and then a sigh on the other end. You could hear him call out to someone, but you couldn’t quite hear their name.

When whomever he called out to got closer, Hoseok mentioned that he needed his car out front. That’s when you put two and two together and abruptly tried to stop him.

“Wait - I don’t think coming over is a good -“

“No, I need to explain myself in person. Plus I haven’t seen you. Be there in twenty.” then he hung up.

»»————-　★　————-««

“This feels way too much like a romcom,” You mentioned when Hoseok broke down your door. He glanced in between you and what was left of your crummy apartment’s door. Since his key wasn’t working, he decided to use his muscles and break the door.

Or what was around your door so he could get in. Meaning you would have to explain to your landlady why there was a gigantic hole in your front door. This also meant that someone could easily take your things during the night if you didn’t lock your place upright. Hoseok inspected the door once again, tilting his head to the side and puffing his cheeks out.

The way he did so reminded you of a little child when they were in trouble. You couldn’t help but giggle at the small gesture, but then quickly back peddle when he glances at you. Hoseok determined that everything was okay and there was nothing to fret about. However, everything wasn’t okay as you had a gigantic hole in your door, but that was beside the point.

“Just hear me out.”

“I kind of have to now.” You mentioned stuffing your hands into your pajama pants. Hoseok gave a devilish smirk before slowly creeping his way forwards.

“You are right,” he starts biting his lower lip. How it empathized with his front teeth and made him look like he was a pouty baby. You stood there, heart still beating a thousand times in your chest. “My schedule did get crazy, and I should have warned you,” he mentions rubbing the back of his neck.

“But, I was also advised to stay away from you,” he mentions now taking a step back as he could see the color start to drain from your face. Who would advise him to stay away? Hoseok was his person, and he should be able to make decisions on his own. Once again, you noted that he was apart of a family company. One in which his father built from the ground and then he took over, at such a young age you might add.

“So you are continuing to pay for my tuition,” you mentioned trying to put the pieces together. “But you aren’t talking to me. Yeah, that kind of adds up if you think about it.” You mumbled noting once again that Hoseok heard you. Hoseok brings a few fingers up to the bridge of his nose and then shakes his head. He then goes on to explain what your boss had told about the cameras.

Then, going on to explain what you feared the most. Your career would when you hadn’t even started it. From the outside, it seemed like Hoseok was doing the right thing. He was protecting you and caring for you from far away, even though he didn’t have to. He was your Sugar Daddy. He was supposed to get sexual favors from you, and you were supposed to get things in return.

This wasn’t a relationship, nor should it have ever been. Hoseok did mention tha the had never done something like this before, so he wasn’t sure how it was supposed to turn out. However, falling in love with someone else wasn’t mainly in the plan. Or was he falling in love with the idea of you? These were questions he was asking himself while also trying to keep his distance. It was the real reason he didn’t contact you for such a long time.

Not the bullshit that he was telling you right now. However, from his point of view, it seemed like you were taking it well and weren’t asking many questions. Although, you did give him a snarky remark and he wasn’t completely okay with that. But, he wasn’t going to let his emotions take over the situation as he didn’t want to lose someone valuable in his life.

When he finished explaining the entirety of your fear, the last piece clicked into its rightful place. You crossed your arms tightly over your chest, your eyes leaving him and trying to look somewhere else. This isn’t what you were expecting from tonight, but then again beggars cannot be choosers.

“So what I’m getting from you,” is what your mouth started to say as your brain was still processing all of this. “Is that you don’t want to continue this..”

“Not,” Hoseok mentioned crossing his arms. “But I’m telling you what the risks are and the fears. I’m also explaining to you why I stayed away for such a long time.” There was still uncertainty; however you could understand where he was coming from.

You weren’t at all sure where that left you and him. Which is why when he slowly started to bring up inviting you out to an event, you narrowed your eyes in his direction. You were unsure of where all of this was coming from, yet you didn’t know how to feel about him asking you to go out with him. After everything he just said, he too seemed uncertain about a lot of things. Now he was starting to play it off like everything was okay?

“I’m going to have to think about it Hoseok.” You mentioned bringing a hand up to your hair, ruffling it just a little and then setting it back on your chest. Hoseok nods his head, then stands there awkwardly.

“One more thing...” he mentions his face contorting into somewhat of an innocent expression.

“If you don’t mind..I need a place to crash. My back tire is completely flat.” and it was at this moment, you wanted to hural your kitchen table at him.

[thekriseffect]

An Artless Smile (Liam x MC)

[Note: All this Royal Heir business is making me feel extra cheesy lately. I love the concept of MC starting a family, I love the lightheartedness of it, and I love that I have more Liam content to go off of! I missed this series way too much. So naturally I had to write a fic centered around this theme. They’re just too cute not to.]

[Summary: Halfway through her third trimester, Freya is feeling the effects of her pregnancy.]

[Song Inspiration: Where’s My Love- SYML.]

It’s difficult to do anything remotely exciting when you’re eight months pregnant. The highlights of my days, when not stuck dealing with overly theatrical political exchanges, are pretending to go into labor when I’m feeling particularly bored and walking the palace grounds. No, not walking. Waddling. Walking was abandoned long ago when I lost sight of my own feet. Waddling is now my short-term way of traveling. But lately my legs have decided that functioning all together is impractical and that lounging in bed is a far better pastime. So now my highlights have evolved into binging as many shows as possible and seeing how many marshmallows I can fit into my mouth at one time. The answer is six, in case anyone was wondering.

I won’t say that being pregnant is one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had. I’ll think it all I want, but I won’t actually voice it out loud. After all, it is my primary purpose in being Queen of Cordonia. To provide heirs for the throne to strengthen the line of succession… or so that’s what they love to tell me. I should feel honored, I’m Liam’s personal babymaker. Yay, me.

It’s not that I hate pregnancy necessarily, it’s just that I didn’t expect it to be this hard.

I hurts in places I didn’t even realize could hurt. Back aches, pelvic pain, swollen feet, all from a tiny human being no bigger than a soccer ball. There’s stubborn tension in my neck and shoulders that refuses to go away no matter how hard I try. I guess carrying an extra thirty pounds around does that to a person.

My hormones are out of control. One minute I’m so thoroughly happy that I could hug anything in sight and in the next I’m contemplating how difficult it would be to claw someone’s eyes out with my nails. Not that difficult, I’ve decided.

I miss my mother, Wendy Lin. The woman who abandoned me even before I knew what the word abandonment meant. The woman who didn’t think I mattered enough to stick around. The woman who preferred her independence over raising her one and only child. I’m surrounded by fine furnishings in a breathtaking country with people who love me, who need me, and all I can think about is someone who never wanted me in the first place. What would she say if she saw me now? Would she be proud of me? Would she even care?

My body doesn’t particularly enjoy being pregnant, so in retaliation it likes to convince me that I’m on the verge of dying regularly. My feet hurt first thing in the morning? Death. A blemish appears on my cheek while I was sleeping? Definitely fatal. One boob is growing larger than the other? I expect plum hued floral arrangements at my funeral. Due to this I tend to dramatize most situations. Sometimes it’s unintentional, slipping out when least expected, and other times I enjoy doing it just to see if I can get away with it. I think it’s kind of funny. Liam? Not so much.

But most of all I’m scared. I want this to work. I want to be everything that my husband and Cordonia needs. Liam insists that I have nothing to worry about, that I’ve always been enough, but most of the time I’m not convinced. I want to be a good queen, a good wife, a great mom, but I’m just not sure how. How can you be good at something that’s geared to wear you down?

It’s a thought that likes to cling to the back of my mind like sap. It’s constantly there and sticks to everything. And it’s the thing that’s currently causing my face to scrunch up like I’ve swallowed a particularly sour lemon when Liam walks into our room.

I’m laying in our bed with a wall of pillows barricading me from the outside world, watching Pride & Prejudice on repeat. I tend to doze off at certain parts so my logic is to keep watching it until I’ve see all the parts I’ve missed. Mr. Collin’s face invades the screen when I scoot myself up into a sitting position, my back pressed against the frames headboard.

I’m watching Liam silently as he circles around the room, unbuttoning his coat and slinging it across the back of the mahogany desk chair, removing his vest followed by loosening his overly expensive cufflinks. It’s become a routine; me witnessing him transform from King Liam, polished and beloved ruler of Cordonia, to Liam, my adorably dorky husband, every night.

He shrugs out of his shirt, exposing his broad shoulders and firm stomach and I let out a low whistle, causing his head to snap up in my direction.

“Hot,” I say while wiggling my eyebrows suggestively at him. A dazzling smile brightens his face when his gaze meets mine and my breath catches in my throat. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the way Liam looks at me. Once, a long time ago, it terrified me that someone could look at me with so much need. So much admiration. It still scares me, even now, but in an elevated, peppy sort of way. One that makes my lips quirk up and my heart rate skyrocket. I never thought I’d deserve a look like that. I never thought I’d deserve him.

Liam walks over to the bed to press his lips chastely to mine. The mattress dips as he leans over me. “They missed you at dinner,” he says as he pulls back slightly to look at me.

I blow a rogue hair away from my face. In a fit of hormonal rage I’d chopped off most of my locks until they sat in messy strands atop my head, much to Bertrand’s horror. “You look like the top of a mop head,” he’d told me. Most days it refused to sit flat no matter how hard the royal stylist tried. And she tried very hard. I didn’t care. I liked the wild look it gave me. I liked how every “reputable attire” was ruined by my spontaneity.

“I got tired of people talking to my belly button,” I tell him while picking at an invisible hangnail. “I don’t know who decided that it’s a cute thing to do but it really isn’t.”

After discarding something onto our ridiculously gaudy dresser, he crosses the room to crawl up the foot of the bed, his arms braced on either side of me, supporting his weight, as he skims his mouth up my swollen stomach. I shiver.

“Your beautiful mother doesn’t like the attention you draw to her,” Liam says into my abdomen, his warm lips brushing against my skin with each word. It’s distracting and causes scandalous images of him sated and spent beneath me to flash into my mind. Sweat clinging to his powerful frame, blue eyes hooded with desire, smooth chest heaving heavily, handsome face tensed in the best way. He should be naked. Why isn’t he naked? Why do I have to resemble a giant hippo?

Liam meets my eyes then, giving me a teasing look and I comb my fingers through his hair, untidying it. I tug gently in retaliation. Wiseass.

“Well it’s cute when you do it,” I mumble, and it’s the truth. I love how much he’s enjoying all of this. I love how his look alleviates whenever he sees me. I love how boyish and carefree and happy he is. It makes it all worth it, every moment.

His smirk broadens as he kisses the stretch of bare skin fondly. “How are you feeling today, my love?”

I consider his question for a moment. “Like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.” Liam blinks at me wordlessly and I almost laugh at the lost expression on his face. “Like an oversized grape,” I try again. “I’m beyond ready for her to be out.”

“Her?”

I hum. “I’ve decided it’s a girl.”

“And why’s that?” Liam asks, resting his chin on my belly to give me that intense look.

“It’s the universe’s way of getting payback,” I explain while tracing my fingers over his face. Brushing over his eyebrow, painting down his stubbled cheek, thumbing against his lips. “I’m not the world’s… easiest person.”

“No?” Amusement dances in his gaze.

“Shockingly. So what better way to get even than force me to deal with a miniature version of myself.”

Liam kisses the inside of my wrist, digits fiddling with the wedding band around my finger, before dragging his mouth along my forearm. “I don’t see that as payback. I happen to like how you are.”

I snort. “How comforting.”

“Does this mean that she will also look like you?”

I freeze. My hand stills its journey over his temple as I wordlessly assess him. He meets my look curiously, pale hair curling endearingly over his forehead and I have to resist the urge to reach up and dishevel it further. Usually so put together, it’s rare to see him this disorderly which makes me love it even more. I twist the rebellious piece between my fingertips and tug it down so it reaches the bridge of his nose. He smiles shyly up at me. “No. She’ll look like you,” I tell him. I’d want our daughter to be beautiful like you.

He presses his nose into my skin and I shift forward, coaxing his face closer to mine when there’s a sudden kick to my ribs. A nervous twitch. A tumbling motion. I yelp, looking down. Liam laughs.

“Someone’s feeling spirited. I wonder where she gets that from,” he beams as he places both hands over my stomach while my belly twitches, smoothing across my ribs and down to my hips.

“She couldn’t be cooperative for just a few seconds longer?” I grumble which makes him laugh again and I can’t help but return his grin.

I’ve noticed that Liam has two kinds of smiles. There’s the one he presents to the public. The one he purposefully uses to emphasis his charming persona, to sway the hearts of hundreds of strangers. To solidify unions and craft agreements. It’s the one he practices the most, regrettably. And then there’s the smile that bleeds too much joy to be anything but genuine. That opens him up like a book, all his thoughts bare and out on display. The one that feels like a gift when you receive it. One that makes you feel so undeniably important.

In this moment I know the one that slips onto his face does so without any restraint from him. It’s too real, too content, to be a creation of The King Liam. It’s just the man I love, feeling the movements of his baby and smiling.

[subserviiient]

no surprise: atsushi/anzu

Relationship meme: accepting

where they first met and how: Atushi and Anzu have numerous paths of which their first meeting could have went, in ways that could be exciting and full of adventure, or rather mundane and passive- rather than a big chaotic event targeting her school by an ability user, it was instead a more passive meeting. Upon seeing him nervously looking around, clearly lost, the producer had approached the detective and asked him if he needed directions. 

how long their ‘flirting’ phase was before feelings got involved: Flirting? More like mutual support and caring for the other one- however, with such a genuine bond between them- I’d say the feelings begin to stem within a few months, although, Anzu and Atsushi don’t realise they have said feelings until much longer due to the very nature of their feelings being based off such a friendship. 

who fell for who first ( if applicable ): Anzu. It’s rare anyone wants her beyond her use, and yet Atsushi seems to care more for the person than what she can do for him, and eventually she becomes so attached to him that she can’t really deny that she has these feelings because how could she? It’s way too obvious for her to deny it...to herself at least. She’ll deny it to everyone else until she’s ready. 

where their first date was and what it was like: I can see them both being confused about what to do for a date, Anzu’s never thought about them too closely and Atsushi still has no idea how they managed to get on one in the first place. Though, they soon decide to simply go out to eat and watch a movie afterwards, which Anzu insisted on paying on, and while it was awkward at first, it soon became pretty normal to them. They went out for Chazuke and then Anzu suggested a horror movie. 

who asks who out and how ( with a sign? spelled out on a cake? just a simple ‘will you go out with me’? ): Anzu. She’s very blunt about it, both so that he knows she’s asking him on one ( because Anzu herself struggles to tell the difference between someone asking her to hang out or go on a date ) and to get rejected, but he instead accepts- after a while of awkward silence on both of their parts and Anzu straight up internally screaming at herself for asking.

who proposes first: .....Hard to say, I’d say Anzu’s more likely than Atsushi. She’s the more bold about it, but even if he’s rather blunt about wanting to marry her before she considers proposing to him.

if they keep / kept their relationship secret or let everyone know right away: Both of them decided to keep it secret for a while simply because they had no idea how to tell people you’re dating someone, or when you should bring it up but they came out about it pretty soon.

where the proposal happens and how ( kiss cam at a baseball game? on a hillside surrounded by ducks? at a disney park? ): Anzu doesn’t want to make it a public proposal, as she doesn’t want him to feel pressured to say yes- rather the producer plans for them to have a date and as soon as night hits, she takes him to a less populated area, like a park- and gets down on one knee. 

if they adopt any pets together: Bro, they have Akinari, but if Atsushi suggests adopting a cat, or any other animal? Anzu will gladly do so, jokingly dubbing whatever animal they get their “Son” or “Daughter” which flusters the detective greatly.

who’s more dominant: ...Hard to say? I think it switches depending on who’s feeling more bold with their affections that day. 

where their first kiss was and what it was like: Honestly? I think it was when Anzu decided to visit her boyfriend in the ADA to bring him lunch on one of her very rare breaks, passing him his lunch which he went to take, only to trip and well, accidentally kiss her. Both of them were already flustered by the mistake, but considering Ranpo, Yosano and Dazai were present, they only got more flustered by their teasing. 

if they have any matching couples stuff ( mugs? sweaters? pillowcases? ): Well, I can’t see them actively matching things, but occasionally they’ll buy the same copy of something because the other one suggested that it was useful, or comfortable. 

how into pda they are: They’re not the most into PDA, but they do hold hands, especially if the streets are busy- and they do have the occasional hug in public, especially if there was a broadcast showing he did something dangerous and she happened to catch it. He’ll be tugged into a tight hug regardless of who’s around to watch.

who holds the umbrella when it rains: Atsushi, he’s the taller one so he’s the man for the job- and they do have to walk closer when they’re under it, as they both called the other one out for trying to give them more space and getting their clothes wet because of it. Though, sometimes Anzu will shove her umbrella at him and go running into the rain so he can have it all the way home. He’ll normally tell her off for it later. 

where their usual ‘date spot’ is ( if applicable ): They probably go to the arcade and fast food places more often than not, Anzu is determined to show Atsushi each game in the arcade, and they both need some nice food after the stress they go through. 

who’s more protective: Both are equally very protective of the other, with Anzu not taking any slander to Atsushi lightly and getting ready to fight anyone who speaks ill of him, but Atsushi is more physically protective of the producer, she may be capable of fighting off delinquents, but she’s no match for an ability user and she is pretty gullible. 

how long it is before they sleep together ( can be as in ‘had sex’ or as in ‘shared a bed’ ): Anzu invites him over to her house to sleepover fairly quickly, actually, because she quite likes having sleepovers and doesn’t quite get why people would find it odd, and she insists he takes her bed and she the floor, the debate goes on for a while until they both decide to share the bed. The...sexual side of things takes a while longer due to her not wanting to have Takehiro around to hear them and because it flusters them both greatly, but at the end of the day, the hormones give out. 

if they argue about anything: “Take care of yourself!” is a frequent statement in their arguments, it’s hard to grasp that she’s not a tool to be used of and it’s hard for him to take care of himself when there’s so much at stake but other smaller arguments come from Anzu insisting she’s going to pay for everything. 

who leaves more marks ( lipstick, hickeys, scratchmarks etc. ): Anzu and Atsushi both leave a lot of marks- and they both immediately panic because they have work the next day and how are they going to cover it up when Anzu doesn’t wear makeup?!

who steals whose clothes and how often: ...Anzu, although she does offer him her skirts up rather frequently, is normally the one picking up Atsushi’s clothes and putting them on- although she does get embarrassed when he catches her moving her hand to watch his glove move.

how they cuddle ( spooning? facing each other? ): They change it up rather frequently, although normally one of them lays down on the sofa and the other one crashes on top of them, which leads in them wrapping their arms around each other and the one on top to nuzzle their face into the other’s chest. 

what their favourite nonsexual activity is: They like having the rare days in, where they’ll have a coffee or tea and talk to each other, it’s nice to be away from paperwork or serious threats for a while and just unwind for a bit. She usually runs her fingers through his hair as they talk. 

how long they stay mad at each other: Depends what it is! If it’s a serious argument, they can stay mad at each other for a long time, if not, it’s over and done with relatively quickly. 

what their usual coffee / tea orders are: Black coffee with three shots of espresso and extra coffee is the thing that keeps Anzu most sane throughout her days, while Atsushi normally goes for a less life threatening kind of coffee, should he order one. Though he normally gets a green tea. 

if they ever have any children together: Twins. So many twins. Anzu swears they’re cursed to have only twins when they reproduce, but they also adopt! Anzu jokes about adopting twins and Atsushi astral projects at the mere idea of more twins entering his household. 

if they have any special pet names for each other: Sushi. Anzu calls him Sushi, both as a way to tease him and show how important he is to her, she rarely gives nicknames- far preferring to use people’s first names but for him? Sushi. Atsushi simply refers to her as Kobayashi-san. 

if they ever split up and / or get back together: I can’t see them being on and off sort of people, so I’d opt for a no.

what their shared living space is like ( messy? clean? what kind of decor? ): Atsushi gets to move in with Anzu, and he finds that Anzu’s house is normally so clean it hardly looks lived in- besides her room, where her table is a cluttered mess of cans that once contained her energy drinks, a ton of paper piled up but bed sheets that looked like they were in an ad, instead of being used. She tells him that he can buy anything he wants, and even offers her mom’s credit card, telling him to go wild- he doesn’t go wild but buys a few things that caught his interest with enough prodding. 

what their first christmas / hanukkah / etc as a couple was like: Anzu invites Atsushi over to her house so she can give him cookies and some food she made before she takes his hand and declares that she’s got a live to show him. For once, she sits in the audience seats and has him watch the show with her. She’s going to make sure he has a good day, even if it kills her. 

what their names are in each other’s phones: Sushi-kun with a sushi emoji and a blue heart emoji, with his simply being Kobayashi-san although she typed a (;・・;)  on there when they first exchanged numbers. He does not know how to get rid of it and she thinks it’s too funny to tell him. 

if they have any ‘couple traditions’ ( buying a new mug for their collection every year? baking every friday evening? ): Pointing to tigers when they appear in media and going ‘it’s you’, they have lunch together every Tuesday and Atsushi drags her ass off for designated nap time.

who falls asleep first and who wakes up first: Atsushi falls asleep first, she wakes up first. 

who’s the big spoon / little spoon: Big spoon? Usually Anzu, while the little spoon is normally Atsushi! They do swap places from time to time though!

who hogs the bathroom: Neither?

who kills the spiders / takes them outside: Anzu leaves them be and Atsushi takes them outside.