#And now here I am. And they're still calling me out on gaining weight. And it's gotten worse

[wakanai]

xx

[tw: ed; fat shaming]

[heliosunny]

YANDERE! YOMI X READER

He’s the worst villain, your brother’s sworn enemy, and yet, for some twisted reason, he’s taken a liking to you.

“Well, hello, Miss Goody-Two-Shoes.” Yomi drawled, his voice dripping with mockery as he sat at the lavishly set table, his dinner laid out before him like a king’s feast. Across the room, you sat on the cold floor, wrists bound tightly behind your back. The icy sting of the chains biting into your skin was nothing compared to the hatred burning in your chest. You refused to respond, your eyes fixed on the ground despite his taunting gaze.

“What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?” he sneered, the metallic clink of his knife and fork punctuating the silence as he sliced into the perfectly cooked meat on his plate. Normally, he would share meals with his band of misfits, but tonight, it was just the two of you.

“Being his sister must mean you’re used to situations like this, huh?” His voice was casual, almost conversational, as though he were discussing the weather. The corner of his mouth twitched in amusement when your stomach betrayed you with a low, pitiful growl. “Aw… hungry? Want some?” he teased, gesturing at his plate with a smug grin.

You lifted your chin just enough to glare at him, defiance flickering in your weary eyes. Even though hunger clawed at your insides, you refused to give in. You wouldn’t break, not for him. Not even if it meant dying here.

“Suit yourself.” he said with a shrug, returning his attention to his meal. The rhythmic clinking of his silverware, the soft chewing sounds, the faint splash of wine pouring into his glass, it was all torture. Your resolve wavered as the smell of the food filled the air, cruelly reminding you that you hadn’t eaten in two days. The edges of your vision began to blur, and before you knew it, the world around you went dark.

When you woke up, the sterile smell of a medical room hit your nose. For a fleeting moment, you thought you had died and somehow reached heaven. But the cold, unyielding weight of a shackle around your ankle quickly shattered that illusion. You were still his prisoner.

The soft creak of the bed as you shifted must have woken him. From the corner of the room, Yomi emerged, his ever-present smirk in place. “Good morning, sleeping beauty” he said, his voice low and smooth, yet laced with mockery. “How are we feeling?”

You didn’t answer, turning your head away from him, hoping silence would somehow keep him at bay. But Yomi wasn’t the type to be ignored.

His tone hardened, his smile fading into something far more menacing. “You better start talking, Y/n, or I’ll have your best friend’s throat slit.”

Your head snapped toward him, eyes wide with shock and terror. “You…” you whispered, your voice trembling. The thought of Ainz, your one ray of hope, being dragged into this nightmare sent ice through your veins.

“Ah, there we go..” he said, satisfaction dripping from every word. “See? All it takes is a little persuasion.”

“You’re a monster,” you spat, your voice gaining strength despite the weakness in your body.

His smirk only deepened. “Monster? No, no, I prefer… necessary evil. Now,” he leaned closer, his voice dropping to a whisper that sent shivers down your spine, “you’re going to tell me everything I want to know. Or else, your precious Ainz won’t be so precious anymore.”

“YOU'RE A MONSTER!” you spat again, this time louder, your voice trembling as anger and fear swirled within you. Despite your defiance, you couldn’t stop your heart from pounding like a drum in your chest.

“Monster, opportunist, necessary evil… you can call me whatever you like, Y/n” Yomi said, his smirk curling into something darker, more possessive. “But I think deep down, you know what I am. I’m the man who owns you now. Your fate, your choices, your life... They're mine to play with.”

His words were like a poison sinking deep into your veins, each syllable wrapping tighter around you like chains. You wanted to scream, to fight, to claw your way out of this nightmare, but the truth was painfully clear. You were too weak, and he knew it.

“What do you want from me?” you finally choked out, your voice barely above a whisper. Even as you asked, you hated yourself for giving him the satisfaction of hearing your desperation.

“What do I want?” Yomi chuckled, leaning closer. The dim light cast shadows across his sharp features, making him seem more beast than man. “I want you to sit there and realize how little power you have. I want you to think of every way you can defy me and then realize I’ve already won. But most of all…” His hand shot out, gripping your chin and forcing your gaze to meet his. His touch was firm, almost gentle, but there was no mistaking the dominance behind it. “I want you to know that no matter how much you hate me, no matter how hard you fight, I’ll never let you go.”

Your breath hitched as you stared into his eyes. They were dark and unrelenting, as though they could see through every wall you tried to put up. You refused to cry, but the lump in your throat grew heavier with every passing second.

“And don’t think you can escape this” he said, his voice dropping to a dangerous whisper as his thumb brushed against your cheek. “This room, this chain, this life, it’s all yours now, thanks to your dear brother. You can curse him for that if it helps.”

“You’re insane. He’ll come to save me.” you muttered, the words trembling on your lips.

Yomi smiled, but there was no humor in it. “Insane? Perhaps. But at least I have purpose. And you…” He released your chin, stepping back with a cold laugh. “You’re just a pawn.”

As he turned to leave, you felt the weight of his words settle over you like a suffocating blanket. You could hear the sound of the door locking behind him, sealing you inside the room. The chains around your ankle felt heavier than ever, a cruel reminder of your helplessness.

But even in the depths of despair, a spark of resistance remained. You might have been his prisoner now, but you would never let him break you. Not fully. Not yet.

-----------

I guess this is part 1. Too lazy to continue whatever is in my head~

[typicalopposite]

Thanks @priincebutt for the tag 🫶

slowly making my way through chapter 7! 🫠 sorry this has become my whole personality lately 😂 this is my main fic at the moment!

“Kinard!” Captain Collier calls from his office, nearly causing Tommy to drop the laptop he has meticulously balanced on his (extremely, dreadfully, embarrassingly) large belly. He has long since been able to comfortably do anything at his desk— the bump getting in the way, and sitting at an angle hurts his constantly aching back— so he has been using the bump instead… God knows it sticks out far enough anyway. He lifts the laptop off, and sets it on the table; crumbs from the bag of chips he was eating topple from his shirt to the floor when he stands. He frowns at the mess and grabs the broom he keeps close by (this happens often) and sweeps them into a pile. “Tommy?” Collier repeats softer this time, poking his head out of his office. 

“Uh, come— coming Cap!” He tries in vain to bend and reach the dustpan. He holds on to the desk for support but he feels like he’s going to tumble forward every time he starts to lower himself. Then he sits back down and tries again… still with no success; he even tries to flip it onto the broom and balance it up to the desk.

“Let me,” Collier says, now beside him. He takes the broom then bends down and sweeps the crumbs into the dustpan. After he throws the crumbs away he straightens back up and sits on the edge of Tommy’s desk. “Tommy…” he says again, and just from the look on his face, Tommy already knows what he’s about to say. “Listen. I know you want to work up until you deliver, but I really think it’s time.” Tommy can feel his mouth pulling down and Collier sighs.  “Hey… come on, don’t do that.” 

Tommy is trying desperately not to humiliate himself by ‘doing that’— i.e. crying— but it has gotten so much harder lately. He feels huge, and heavy, and tired, and sore all the time! All that meshes together and has made him somehow even more emotional. 

“What did you do to him, Cap!?” Lucy gasps, walking into the hanger. 

Collier sucks at his teeth and pushes off the desk. “I didn’t do anything but suggest he make these last weeks easier on himself.” 

“Well,” Lucy says… more so to Tommy. 

“Not you too, Luce?!” Tommy feels his pout deepen. 

Lucy laughs, and comes up behind him, squeezing and massaging his shoulders before wrapping her arms around him. “Don’t get me wrong, work will suck without you, and I am going to miss you so much; I don’t want you to leave…” she says. “I just want you to get some rest… you know the whole cliche you better sleep while you can because you won’t once baby is here— except you’re gonna have two babies keeping you up, and I honestly can’t remember the last time you’ve come to work and not looked exhausted… you’re overdue for some rest.”

Tommy would argue, except he knows he can’t; she’s right. The twins are growing beautifully, which makes him so happy and relieved… and massive, and miserable. He isn’t upset at the weight he’s gained, he is confident in himself enough to know he can lose it once they're born (and honestly even if he doesn’t lose a single pound, he is so happy both babies are healthy and thriving he wouldn’t care). However, he’s not been allowed to lift above his head since he announced the pregnancy, and getting something from lower than his waist at this point is damn near impossible. Lacey says he shouldn’t be carrying anything more than 15 pounds; and between the twins using his bladder and his lower spine for kickboxing practice, he is either in the bathroom or pacing the hanger trying to ease the back pain. 

He’s exhausted from the lack of sleep the pain is causing, and he needs help doing pretty much anything that’s not sitting and typing, and that is not something they even need him at the station to do. Collier has been trying to convince him to work from home for a couple months… Tommy’s just— Hell even he’s not a hundred percent sure why he’s holding on to working for so long… He looks past Collier and Lucy at the helicopter’s, and he can’t even fly at the moment, but it’s been nice being near them. Watching them take off, watching them come back… he misses it. He’s going to miss this, and his team. “You’re probably right…” he finally admits. “I guess I should take advantage of the last few weeks of calm.” 

Lucy smiles, and hugs him. “Good for you; you have more than earned a break,” she says squeezing him. “I’m gonna miss you, Kinard.” 

“I’ll miss you too, Luce,” he replies, voice soft and shaky. 

“Hey,” she says, pulling back to wipe the tears that are starting to fall from both their eyes. “This is not a forever goodbye, okay? I am going to come by and get my baby fix every day I have off… you’re gonna be so tired of me!” 

“Never,” he laughs.

Tagging: @onthewaytosomewhere @30somethingautisticteacher @judymarch15 @nine-one-wanton

@bidisasterevankinard @kinardsevan @somethingaboutfirefly @bucksxkinard @mmso-notlikethat

@sunnywithachanceofbi @herrmannhalsteadproduction @marvelousbuckley

And anyone else who wants to share their writing 🫶🫶

[joeloverture]

hiya vetty! long term lurker first time caller here!

i hope this doesn't come off in a bad way but ive been lurking and reading your posts for awhile and i wanted to ask your experience as a plus sized person and "dating" (only if you're willing and happy to give it) how did you get comfortable enough to make the first move on your partner? as a bigger girl i rarely hear success dating stories. most men (if they're thin and in shape) are open and happy to admit they dont date plus sized women and if they do they fetishize us or try to keep us secret. is your man a big guy too because usually theyre more open to dating girls that are not stick thin

any advice is helpful and thanks in advance youre a real one!

hi honey! happy to see you in my inbox and also happy to answer <3 it’s something i grappled with often when i was younger. i regularly thought id never find any type of love or ever be sexually attractive to someone. but here we are

so first off when i met him, i was a size 18/20. i say that to contextualize it, because i am now a size 14/16, which some (or most) people consider midsize. so i know those are two very different things but i still asked him out as a size 18/20! additionally im also an hourglass (or a pear… kind of can’t tell the difference tbh but most people ive talked to about this consider me an hourglass), so more “conventional” than some other plus sized bodies. i have curves and ass and tits, basically. and to be successful in dating you do not have to have those things as a prerequisite! but that’s what was going on physically on my end.

j, ill call him, is extremely lanky and skinny lol. like he has moderately muscled arms and thicker thighs/ass but for the most part he can’t gain weight to save his damn life.

for gaining confidence, it’s genuinely a you thing. im just persistent and stubborn and have a “what’s the worst that could happen” attitude about many of my social relationships.

im a very well rounded person. i can hold conversation. i have achievements, ambitions, passions, and hobbies. im also pretty adventurous. you should always seek to find a partner that finds you attractive, but more so one that finds your soul attractive.

ive never had trouble finding a relationship simply because… well, im forward. when im drawn to someone i let it happen and refuse to let myself get in my head about any bodily insecurities. why deny myself the chance to make a connection? to have something meaningful out of this?

something as arbitrary as weight isn’t going to stop me from that.

i am also super picky about who i choose to let in. if i get bad vibes im cutting it off immediately. if someone sexualizes me because of my weight, absolutely not. if someone tells me i should lose weight, also absolutely not! commonality in personhood is so much more important than physicality.

me and j were flirty friends for probably 4-5 months before we pursued anything remotely sexual together. and that’s because of that sort of commonality. the ability to keep and maintain a connection that is meaningful.

i know it’s easy to get stuck in your head about it, but consider trying to work through any mental roadblocks about your weight in relationship to the value you hold. a partner that is worthy isn’t going to see you as a body, but rather as someone that they adore.

[zenis-castle-in-the-sky]

Two year update -v-

6 paragraph essay warning!!!!!111!!!!1!! Nah, I'm just kidding.

I started this blog as a coping mechanism to deal with a toxic friendship I had from 2017-2021. It took me a couple years to figure out that I was just the backup choice for a potential relationship. I also figured out this "friend" needs serious therapy and healing. But what do I know? My only regret was allowing myself to become way too attached. As they call it, Stockholm syndrome, I was addicted to this person.

I no longer make poems, and I haven't documented a dream in this blog for two years. While I still miss these people that I've constantly complained about, I am also still trying my hardest to move on. It's getting easier day by day as I grow wiser and think less on it and more about how much better life is now.

That being said, life is so much better now. It's not AS great as two years ago, or even last year, as I had lost 60 lbs and was feeling happier and more confident in my skin than ever. Unfortunately, I gained all the weight back during last autumn and winter, so now I am back where I started with that. It has led to more anxiety episodes from me. However, that doesn't mean I've given up. It's just harder for me to lose weight now. I'm still trying. I just have less ways and options at the moment. I will be moving again, soon, so then it will be easier.

Oh yeah, I haven't mentioned yet. I moved to Texas in February this year. Why? Because my husband lives here! We initially were supposed to get married in February, but due to ~things~, we have happily married on September 6th, 2024. We have struggled a li financially wise due to ~things~, that were out of our control, but again, we will be moving again, soon, so then it will be easier.

I am absolutely in love with my husband. He and I met in 2021 as friends but we did not start dating until May 1st, two years ago. I am truly grateful I decided to play Roblox that day that we met, or else I would be the same woman as if I did not. Lonely, sad, hopelessly romantical, mooching off her father, still. I do not feel like I deserve my husband, especially since I have gained all this weight back I don't think he should have a fat wife. And I mean FAT wife. I have a double chin, overhanging belly, my fingers are sausages. But somehow he still loves me. For a while I was convinced it was a friend of my ex boyfriend's, pretending to love me as a prank because he was salty he never got to see my tits. But, like, I met his parents. He met my parents. He married me. We had sex. There's no way that he could be that. He truly loves me, and yet I'm over here with this mental illness that will only go away when I lose weight. I feel bad, making him go through that. Still, he says he will always support me, help me when I need it, and he's even agreed to be the regulator for how much I eat, and prevents me from cutting myself. I am truly grateful for this man He makes me the happiest woman in the world.

I've thought about going back to documenting my dreams, but I haven't been having them as much as I thought I would. Even when I was getting tons of sleep, I had no dreams. Even now that I have less sleep, I still have no dreams. they're rare, now. It's okay, though, I don't mind it. It just means that I don't remember the dreams. After all, everyone dreams. We just don't remember them. And that's why we write them down.

that being said, I DO have some of my dreams written down. I only have a few, in my notes app. Maybe I will start writing them down again? I dunno.

[kidelune]

Nov. 26 2024

Dear dust caked journal,

This is the longest I've gone without a word to you. Without the debilitating need of your familiarly, your tacit comfort. It feels strange– almost novel, to stroke your back and split you open again. Your blank pages nearly blinding me out of thought. It would seem that people hardly ever stir unless they're upset, depraved, or content. Today I'm here to confess that finally, finally, I'm the latter.

The year's close to ending and reinventing itself again. I remember where I was at this time a year ago; skin between my teeth, on my stomach, my eyes jaded and sleepless. The pain sewed throughout my vertebrae, unending. I remember everything, as does my body. I shiver at the thought of turning my back to the stove. I never do, but that's the only remaining tendril I've left of that person I was last year. Maybe someday he'll find the courage to rest alongside the ones who came before. Make more room for whatever or whoever else I'll become in the future.

That's not to say that I have any inklings of who I am today, though. I still don't fucking know. In my head I'm still six, eight, twelve, sixteen, seventeen, twenty-one, twenty-six. In my head, I'm still just surviving, even in the secure safety of mundanity. Still figuring out what exactly I'm supposed to do with this life I've repeatedly been given a second chance at, for whatever reason. (What is the reason?) Only thing I'm aware of is that I'm alive, that many graves are full because of me, and that somehow, by some sort of divinely conjured up miracle, exactly twelve days ago, I got married.

In Thailand, the knot was tied. 14th of November, ten days after my 30th birthday. Neither of us could speak Thai and yet we signed their papers and welcomed their cheers. Then it was about ten of us combined in a party room, including our photographer and makeup artists. I never knew I could cry so much. Never even thought I'd hit this particular milestone in this life, let alone bawl my way through my vows like a broken dam. Now I understand why marriage is so sought after among all generations. It's not about the wedding itself, but the feeling of it. Like a once in a lifetime high; like the first drug you ever do. Humans are notorious for chasing after euphoria, to the point of inevitable divorce. Or death. As it's only death that could do two apart, after all.

Upon landing back in Seoul, just married and very exhausted, I quit the office job my husband gave me about a year ago. Instead, I'll be opening a bar with my dirty money and setting us up with a second stream of income and thus securing our early retirement in place. Found the perfect spot a while back; a tiny, obscure nook in Itaewon. The alley elevation slightly downturned. Barely touched by the light, drowned in the shores of night. Byungwoo did not trip once on the way up to it, which is how I knew it was perfect. L.32 it'll be called; serving as the perfect little spot for my husband to swing by and hang out after work–alongside others, of course. Who knows? Perhaps while I'm doing this, as I adapt to and grow from it, I'll finally manage to figure out for good what kind of man I am. Or want to be. Will this new thing keep blood off my hands long term, or will I find and hide the crusts beneath my fingernails while fixing a framed wedding photo on my desk?

Only one way to find out. But for now, it's needless to say that I'm happy. I've stopped collecting scars. I've stopped running for my life. I'm sober and have gained weight. I no longer flinch in my sleep. I sleep. I've never been more safe and content than I am right now. My fists have no need to fly anymore, not to protect my life.

And I guess that's enough.

[dangerous-advantage]

concerning the new changes (07.10.23)

all right fuck it i wasn't gonna do this but then i ended up filling the tags on the post i reblogged.

so here's my thoughts on staff's 'Tumblr's Core Product Strategy" post and the things that i think could actually be good!... if staff respects tumblr's culture in implementing them.

to note, i am referring to this post. for better context, please go read the whole thing and try not to skip details, since i think it's important to understand the post through your own perspective if you want to participate in the conversation.

this post worried me at first, both because changes in the tumblr ecosystem with as much weight as this post carries have, historically, been pretty bad for the userbase.

starting off with a focus on creating a larger user base and inviting more, new creators rather than with a strong plan to focus on improving the current state of tumblr sets off alarm bells.

reading through the rest of it leaves me with... mixed thoughts. while it honestly does seem like they've heard a lot of the things we've been screaming at them about and might actually take steps to make things improve, i'm still wary.

this isn't a post explaining specific changes tumblr plans to implement. in fact, there are relatively few examples of actual strategies being communicated. it's just an overview with a lot of implications for the future.

i mean, not even the new tumblr labs group has any idea what the exact changes are going to be. just look at this:

[ID: A screenshot containing text from a post made by the aforementioned account. It reads, "But we're not sure exactly what that change looks like, so we've assembled a new team, called Tumblr Labs, to figure it out as quickly..." It cuts off here. /End ID]

and i think that's the problem.

so, the post. staff explains that the issue, as they see it, is that the platform is fundamentally flawed-- i.e., because tumblr is difficult to use if you don't have an understanding of the site before, it tends to scare off new users rather than encourage engagement.

this isn't untrue. however, it should be noted, the tumblr userbase has cultivated a culture of teaching newcomers how the website and the website's culture functions. (see: the many posts made as 'guides' in the wake of the twitter and reddit fiascos, as well as @/strange-aeon's video on the topic.)

(not to say that this system isn't imperfect and could be improved by directing new users to the these posts, buuuuuuut i'll get into that later.)

now: i (and i think most of the userbase) agree with staff on the main point-- tumblr, as a platform, is broken. we have long complained about the bugs and the messy reblog chains and the notifications overwhelming you if a post gains traction.

(though, we've also just integrated that into tumblr culture, but that's a tangent for a different time.)

here's the thing: staff does mention these things as problems they want to fix.

here's a short list of some things the post mentions that i honestly agree are a problem, and that a lot of people have wanted to see change!

[ID: Screenshots of items taken from the bulleted lists on staff's post. These read as follows: "Improving Tumblr's search engine optimization (SEO) practices to be in line with industry standards." "Making it easier for users to follow the various conversation paths within a reblog thread." "Build mechanisms to protect creators from being spammed by notifications when they go viral." "Improve performance and stability: deliver crash-free, responsive, and fast-loading apps on Android, iOS, and web.""Improve quality: deliver the highest quality Tumblr experience to our users." /End ID]

again, these are things that i agree are issues and would be cool to see improved upon. but staff doesn't tell us how they plan to do this.

in staff's response to the userbases' assumption that they're going to remove the reverse-chronological dashboard, they state they're 'surprised' users came away with this assumption.

i, for one, am not.

the relationship between tumblr staff and the tumblr collective has been strained for a long time. mounting frustrations about users' actual issues with the website being ignored while new features are implemented that are almost unanimously disliked doesn't help.

and don't forget, the last time a change as drastic as this post is making it seem came into action, the porn ban was implemented. a change that had an overall negative effect on the community and tumblr's culture at large. it tore away crucial aspects of tumblr's identity that we'll probably never get back.

so while this post does address issues users have wanted to see fixed, of course we're still going to be wary.

the bottom line is, users don't trust staff to implement changes that will be beneficial to improving the platform for the tumblr userbase. (the recent reddit and twitter debacles don't help things much, either.)

i think staff needs to realize, as the final poster put it, tumblr already has innate value. value created by the community.

if staff focuses on improving tumblr to be easier to use-- in accordance with elevating tumblr's culture-- it will attract more people, simply by being less broken all the time.

this brings me to the other (main) issue i have: putting new users first over the current userbase.

this may not have been what staff meant to imply, but the emphasis seems to be on improving the userbase for incoming users, rather than those of us who are already here.

to be clear, i don't think that making tumblr easier to navigate for new users is bad. i mean, there's a reason we were writing guides. joining tumblr if you aren't already exposed to it can be daunting.

allowing new users to rely on an actual, working algorithm (although i think a user-driven algorithim is possibly one of the best parts of tumblr) isn't inherently bad. using that algorithim to elevate new creators isn't bad, either.

it's the way they choose to do this that makes us wary. like i mentioned before, we already have somewhat of a system for on-boarding new users to the site: word of mouth from more experienced users. this helps with both learning how to navigate tumblr and introducing new users to tumblr culture.

with all this in mind: where do we go from here?

in my mind, the solution for these problems comes down to communication. if staff wants more trust from the tumblr userbase, they need to show they are willing to listen to feedback from the tumblr collective.

when implementing changes, a great way to avoid the immediate backlash and distrust of tumblr users is by clearly outlining the changes they plan to make and the strategies by which they will be carried out.

another user made the analogy that websites should be like cities, where the users have a say in (as staff puts it) the 'evolution of tumblr.'

(mmmmmaybe we could use that spiffy new poll feature, too? everybody loves polls!)

for on-boarding new users, staff could take inspiration from the userbase in implementing a system by which new users are given the information needed to navigate tumblr. tidy up the site, remove bugs, and make it easier to use, and a lot of problems will sort themselves out.

then, we can go from there.

regarding the rest of the stuff i brushed over, i don't feel i can really say much without knowing what they actually plan to do, or where they plan to go with these things.

for example, here's another list of images of things from the post that i am cautiously intrigued by, but am worried will be improved for the worse:

[ID: Another series of images, showing more of the items listed in staff's post. They read as follows: "Move faster: provide APIs and services to unblock core product initiatives and launch new features coming out of Labs." "Get creators' new content in front of people who are interested in it." "Improve the feedback loop for creators, incentivizing them to continue posting." "Allow engagements on individual replies and reblogs." "Improve our algorithmic ranking capabilities across all feeds." /End ID.]

the bottom line is this: if staff wants the support of the userbase in upcoming changes, they need to show that they respect and value us and the culture at large. in my opinion, staff has made strides in embracing tumblr culture, but we need to know these changes are not just motivated by profit.

if staff intends to keep it's current users, they need to to recognize that we deserve a say in this, too.

without the userbase, tumblr wouldn't exist. end of story. we are what keep tumblr alive. as stated before, expanding the userbase is not a bad thing. but doing so to the detriment of tumblr's culture is.

in this regard, i do truly hope that staff means what they said in the conclusion of their original post:

[ID: An image of the conclusion of staff's post. It reads: "Our mission has always been to empower the world's creators. We are wholly committed to ensuring Tumblr evolves in a way that supports our current users while improving areas that attract new creators, artists, and users. You deserve a digital home that works for you. You deserve the best tools and features to connect with your communities on a platform that priotitizes the easy discoverability of high-quality content. This is an invigorating time for Tumblr, and we--" The words then cut off. /End ID]

so, @staff. if you really do believe this: prove it.

[crypticbydesign]

Here's something I realized;

I just realized that my dream.of being a real fit dude and looking like it will never, ever happen. Like ever.

I can be fit. I can be as fit as i want. I possibly will get strong enough to meet my goals (picking up my friends and spinning them around despite them weighing more than me and being much taller than me.) But i will never look like it, if i'm lucky when i transition i'll get a bit more visible muscle, but not much.

The reasoning behind this is that my dad has a genetic condition that causes him to not process the proteins needed to create visible muscle. (He still is very fit for being in his mid 50's and has a bit of tum/it isnt defined as abs) but he can carry 120 pounds (3 bags of roughly 40ish lbs wood pellets) on one shoulder. With minimal trouble. But he doesn't look like he should be able to do this. He doesn't have a lot of visible muscle because of his condition.

Knowing all this about him is important because I just got work out equipment (two five lbs weights and an eight lb kettlebell weight) in order to try to get some abs and some more visible muscle since i have noodle arms. I knew that it was extremely possible that I also had this condition because i have trouble with gaining weight/having it fluctuate (which my dad also struggles (struggled with.) (Not sure if he really struggles now that he's a bit older and his metabolism has slowed down due to it). And for the fact that in highschool (last 2 years) i was carrying a haybale that was sopping wet by myself. (That was closeish to 100+ lbs cause square bales are 80 lbs dry and straw/hay holds water like no other). I had a bit more visible muscle than i do now (not much cause other than lugging horse stuff around a barn and working fast food i didnt work out. And now i work in fast food and work out at least once a week. Usually only once a week).

My dad also confirmed that even without genetic testing there's a pretty much 100% chance i have the same condition. I am gonna be my tiny 5'1 self and be 120 pounds and carry my friends that weight more than me and i wont look like i'll be able to!! Thats gonna be awesome! 😈 One of my goals is to pick up my manager friend he's about 6' tall and he said over 200lbs. It's my goal to pick him up and spin him around. Preferably one armed. (The one arm i know aint realistic but i can dream aight?) I'm gonna be so good at huggin!

This also goes hand in hand with something else that gives me gender euphoria; being happy and bubbly. I say 'good mornin' to everyone at work as soon as i see them. Sometimes in my regular voice, sometimes in my customer service voice, sometimes in a silly voice for a specific person. I've had people cuss me out over doing this or say that it's not very manly of me to do that. As if showing love and affection is a gender related thing. I've had to explain to them that i do it because i want my coworkers to smile; i want them to have a good day and if i can bring a moment of happiness by singling them out to call them by name and say good morning then i will and not one person can stop me.

What i don't tell them is that i can not physcially find worth in myself or think that i matter, but I think that every single person i work with matters, that they have an immeasurable amount of worth and by saying something as simple as good morning and getting a smile or a laugh or even a 'dude it's not morning anymore.' And having to explain that if it can be 5 o'clock anywhere it can be morning at 2pm and that gives methe most gender euphoria because through everything in that moment they're seeing the true me; unmasked and a happy little dude.

[exosorcery]

- THE EXOSORCEROR -

@dukeoftheblackstar tagged me EVER so long ago to fill this in, and - in typical Life of the Teacher fashion - I am just now getting time to do it. So here you go.

It's been so long since I was last able to post, I'm gonna just assume everyone has forgotten who I am.

Name: Kim :) My nickname is Kasey/KC.

Pronouns: They/them

Where do you call home? Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada - a little city on the Bay of Fundy. Interestingly, CNN voted it THE place to visit in the world just recently. I am still in shock over that.

Favorite animal: Horses. I love to ride. I used to lease a horse but it became cost-prohibitive and now I just WISH i rode horses. My favorite breed is the Morgan horse. Rode them waaaay back when and loved them.

Cereal of choice: Um, good question. I love MINI WHEATS but they make me gain weight faster than you can say YUM. So, no. I love them - but, NO.

Are you visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner? Auditory OUT. I walk around talking to myself every single hour of the day. The busier the day, the louder and more constant the dialogue. My High School students just nod and smile, now. Their mums and dads (who had me as a teacher) did me a huge favor by warning them it just was my way of processing; I am not peculiar.

First pet: A stray Tabby chonker my family named Tuna. I still seem to adopt cats from all over the neighborhood... Expo, Fanta, Oliver... The list goes on and on, and I STILL do it. That's how I got Simon (the cat I have now. AKA "Pussy Pissyfoot".

Favorite scent: I am a perfume collector, so this will be a super precise answer. I LOOOOVE Vintage Poison (I know. Cringe.) A super modern one I like a lot is Fenty. Try it and thank me later.

Do you believe in astrology: Yep. I was an amateur astrologer in University in the early 90's. I also read palms and was really good at that. I am a Gemini, Moon in Pisces/Aries, Gemini Mercury, Sagittarius Mars and Taurus Venus. My chart is all over the board. I am sure this is no surprise to the people who know me well.

How many playlists do you have on spotify/apple music? I've lost count. My favorite I Tunes playlists are my 80's playlists. I also love my Bjork and Kate Bush playlists.

Sharpies or highlighters? Sharpies.

Song that makes you cry? "End of Innocence" by Enigma. Every time... but they're happy tears. It brings back wonderful memories of driving across Quebec with my family in the 90's. Quebecois have terrific taste in music and the rural stations ALL had this on their station playlist.

Song that makes you happy? "Faces" by Clio.

And finally, do you write/draw/create? Yes :D

The above image is a painting/with artistic filter I did for another graphic novel I have been working on forever. I was the reference for the female character Case... I feel like I'll never finish it. Bummer :(

[growandrecover]

Hii, I have a question.

I haven't been diagnosed with anything, and no one ever really knew I had an eating disorder, which leaves me thinking if I ever did. My disorderedbehaviors started a year ago, and it has been just two months of *actual* restriction and fasting. With such a short term problem, could I still call myself anorexic? (or former anorexic, as I am trying to recover now)

Let me just start this off by saying, a formal diagnosis is not required for you to consider yourself an anorexic (or a bulimic, orthorexic, someone with bed, someone with ednos, etc.).

**Before I say anything else, I just want to mention that I am not a professional, in any shape or form (though hopefully one day, I will be), I just happen to have an ed and have been treated for it. I can't diagnose you, but I am someone who believes that self diagnosing can be very helpful and "empowering", in a sense. Also, me explaining this topic is not me being "pro" anything. (Anon, this is not pointed at you, I'm just saying this for the people who are reading this and could possibly interpret it the wrong way.) I am not pro ana, pro mia, or pro any other harmful behavior. I am, however, pro recovery, and if you need help, please don't hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to.

I'm going to put the rest of this post under a 'keep reading' in case anyone finds this triggering. (Anon, please don't take this as an insult, I am more than happy to answer your question <3 )

TW: ed behavior, symptoms of eds, mention of addiction, and specifications of anorexia (types). Please do not continue if you think this will be triggering to you in any way.

Honestly, I guess it depends on what the disordered behavior looked like prior to what it does currently. Fasting and restriction aren't the only ways to be considered an anorexic.

Also, no one knowing you were having trouble does not mean you didn't/don't have an ed. I think of eds as an addiction (just like drinking or gambling), and addicts are known for being good at hiding what they're addicted to. Our disorders tell us that we have to keep it a secret, and we listen. Even though I've been in recovery for over a year now, my mom and I talk about my ed sometimes, and she always admits to me that while she knows a lot of what I went through, she'll never know the entirety of it. And it's possible that it'll be the same for you.

But, I do have a DSM-5 (I needed one for a psych class), and this is what it says:

"There are three essential features of anorexia nervosa: persistent energy intake restriction; intense fear of gaining weight or of becoming fat, or persistent behavior that interferes with weight gain; and a disturbance in self-perceived weight or shape." (pg 339, American Psychiatric Association)

There are also 2 types; restricting and binge/purge. (both of which use a timeline of the last 3 months. for example: during the last 3 months, the individual has done *insert disordered behavior in here*)

It says a lot more than that, but I think (hope) that may be the most helpful to you.

I think it's 100% up to you whether or not you consider yourself an anorexic. You're the only one who knows what that looked like for you, and it's yours to decide. :)

If you'd like more information from the DSM, or if you have any other questions, feel free to send me a message or another ask.

I wish you nothing but the best in your recovery, and I'm sending you lots of love and well wishes, darling. ♡

[stepfordgoth]

I keep trying to make goals/resolutions for the new year but I'm stuck. I've never been very good at making goals. Last year I think I kept it completely abstract like "in 2024 I want to continue improving myself in every possible healthy way", which is, of course, not really a goal. Goals have to be specific and have to have a time limit to achieve them and a way to measure your progress. Among other things. Im referring to the SMART goals system right now btw:

However I will say, despite it not being a goal set scientifically, I do think I did improve vastly in the last 12 months and I certainly wouldn't call that goal a failure! Compared to where I was last year, here are some of the things Ive achieved:

I am drinking way less frequently (and way less in general) now since this time last year (I was becoming messy tbh)

I joined a gym for the first time ever in my life in august, and I fell in love with it fast. What a confidence boost to not only be going to the gym regularly at all, but to commit to it after the idea of it has scared you for so long. And then to fall in love with the gym too! I'm giving myself lots of praise right now, thats a brand new set of several skills I acquired when I decided to walk into the gym! Compare that to the girl I was a year ago who was drinking way too much and not eating healthily and getting enough exercise and gaining weight because of all of these things. I've definitely lost a little bit of weight and I look a lot better/sexier/healthier now too

I've got my chronic physical issues more or less under control. Some weeks/months are better than others. I spent a lot of time this year trying to understand and fix my gut health and I can proudly say that a year ago I kinda thought I was going to die because of the terrible flare up I was experiencing, and today I have a pretty decent handle on it. January 2024 was the worst flare-up I've had in my life, and it has never approached that level since then. And it still flares up and it's awful when it does, but they're fewer and further between now, and they aren't nearly as painful or damaging. I'm really proud of how I've done the research and tried things until I found something that helps.

I have been strong and supportive and helpful as much as possible for my husband while he's been going through a lot of changes in his (and our!) life. I am so proud of him! It's been a crazy ride but it feels so good and I know he's got this, he's a fucking rockstar.

I have given so many new things chances this year. Specifically, new music. I've really allowed myself to be more open minded musically this year than I have in a very long time.

I have persevered this year. In so many ways. I have navigated lots of situations and always come out of it okay.

I have stuck up for myself. I have spoken up and stuck to my guns for what's right for me while also being proactive and trying new techniques and ideas to deal with my life issues. I have been assertive and I've spoken my thoughts and wants and feelings. Somtimes I have made big choices or changes and stuck to them even when others around me weren't huge fans of it.

I've gotten closer to truly loving myself. I'm still working on it though, but I made some big breakthroughs this year. I've put conscious effort into being more feminine and attracting more feminine energy to myself this year, and I've done a lot of reading/changing experimenting with different hair and makeup techniques and products and clothes this year!

I went to a Caribbean island (that alone is a first) and I saw so many more stars than I've ever seen in my life and I learned to boogie board and i started to realize that it's time to let go of that "I was raised as a prisoner" mentality that makes me forget that I'm a free, grown adult and I can do whatever I want. And I got the cutest little whale tail tan line! And I learned that my husband is more in tune with "the cosmos" (so to speak) than I gave him credit for.

I finally put some things into motion regarding some stuff around the house that has been bugging me for a while but I kept getting put off for whatever reason.

I was finally able to recognize the root of an issue I've had in my life on and off since I was 14, and accept it for what it is and make peace with it. It no longer obsessively plagues my thoughts as it did for many years, thank god!

I shyed away from fewer social engagements this year than I did last year (i think?) and I tried a little bit harder to make friends, or at the very least build some sort of personal familiarity with a few new people.

I was not perfect with it, but I made HUGE strides in my not abusing my stimulant meds journey. Yes I did indeed have slipup moments but I think overall I probably took the least total amount of stimulants in 2024, that I have since 2018.

[diaryofa90sbaby]

Getting ready for work this morning. Just ate some breakfast and I'm about to take a shower so I can wash my hair. I'm almost fully booked this week which is so exciting, I'm actually trying to get an extra day added this week to my schedule so I can maybe get another appointment squeezed in. I'm excited about potentially getting fully booked this holiday, it feels like people are starting to feel a little more comfortable spending their money. And I'm getting a little more comfortable with everything that I'm doing. I still feel like I'm slow sometimes, I'm really struggling with highlights and multi-step processes specifically. I think I get too focused and overwhelmed.

I'm feeling a lot more hopeful for this election too after seeing more DNC footage. But we can't lose momentum. Seeing everyone talk about how Trump is so horrible makes me feel valid. Sometimes living in Tennessee is really tough, but we also have extremely low voter turnout here. It really baffles me that in this state that we call the volunteer state that people are not willing to volunteer a portion of their time to simply go vote. It's such an easy process and I don't understand the apathy. I understand that people may be feeling tired from constantly having to hear from every single side about how horrible everything is. But I also feel like you can't be apathetic. That's how people take your power. You have to fight for what's right, you have to fight for your place in this world unfortunately. And I will not sit back and let someone just take everything away from me. Is it exhausting? Yes. But I know when I look back in my life I won't regret advocating.

I'm also really missing my partner today. He has been out of town for a little over a week and a half now and he won't be back until next week, at least that's what they're saying. I feel really lonely, and I feel also isolated because this is not my home. I think it would be different if we had our own space. But I just feel like I don't really have time for friends either, so now that I sit here alone without him I don't know what to do with myself. I've been trying to find hobbies to cling on to, whether it be coloring, making slime, or writing in this blog. I also started a group for the new hair color line we're using at work. I just feel like really down about everything lately. I also feel like I have adhd, and it's getting worse. Since my brother has it I've always thought that maybe I could have it too, but it didn't really strike me until I was about 24 or 25. And it has gotten progressively worse since then, and I'm really scared to treat my mental illness because I've tried it in the past but I think I'm at a point where I am mature enough to accept that I need help. It's just really scary to go get that help, I don't want to act differently, I want to still be myself, I don't want to be a zombie. And I don't want to gain a bunch of weight.

I've been going through a lot of things mentally and I think sometimes it would be easier to get my car and drive away and then stop and whatever city feels best. Run away from all my problems. But I know that's not the right way. I know the best way to deal with your problems is head on but I just feel so alone sometimes.

[groondon-blog]

Fuck we're back. Alright. Okay. Sick. Okay, so I see a lot of people here talking about plurality, and I may have it? Idk, but the voices in my head do eventually get some form of consciousness if they can handle the pressure. Usually, it's just me and numerous screamers. I wonder why they scream. Anyway. I've had three that lasted a while and one that lasted years. I still miss her... Sometimes, I think about trying to bring her back, but it wouldn't be the same. So now I sit here with the loud voice. I do a pretty good job hiding it in person, but they come out easily through my art and writing. I don't know what causes them, but when the meds music and time all line up its quiet usually for about 10 minutes and in this time I get to plan out my day week month and years. I get a glimpse into who I really am despite the noise. Right now is one of those moments. Yesterday was not. I should figure out what content warning means. Nope, don't get distracted, yet this is your journal. Get down what you want before their back. Anyway, I like to call this version of myself who is clear and without limitations, The Genius. Hehe like Henya! Their the exact combination of all of my pieces without any limitations on my thinking capabilities. They're the one who was able to work around the medication I'm on to be able to think clearly again. They're the one able to get out of and handle the anxiety. I'd like to be them all the time, but their way of thinking is exhausting. Mentally, I mean. Very quickly, headaches roll in, my skin begins to crawl, and I begin to disassociate from myself quickly. It is all very dangerous for someone like me. Someone weak. Next topic! I went to my friends house and cosppayed astolfo! I've been wanting to do it for a while and lost 70lbs to look good. I was 280 and I've learnt that I could've cosplayed him then too. But I set a goal and I wore it out! I'll prolly post something where I do show my face. But now my meds make me really really hungry all of the time instead of before where I could eat now I eat all of the time. I've gotta pick a lane either massive weight loss or massive weight gain. The bulk or the cut that is the question. Whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take up arms against a sea of troubles. Oops my bad. Next! I had a dream last night and it wasn't a nightmare! This doesn't usually happen and when it does I can't remember them. But last night I dreamt that someone either on reddit or here asked me to draw something from a Kaif video. So I'm gonna go watch some and the draw whatever matches my dream I'll post it here. Next! I'm picking up Japanese again. Next! I'm struggling still woth the idea of getting bigger or smaller. The two I use as a frame of reference are Astolfo (5'4 135) and Barghest (6'2 260 lbs). Both extremes I know, but I'm a pretty hard worker sometimes. Especially if I want something. Astolfo would come as a result of better diet and a lot of cardio. Barghest would come as a result of a better diet but a lot of protein and some heavy lifting and sprinting. Also going for barghest could result in a buff astolfo plus I wanna start hrt sometime soon. All of that works. I think I'm gonna go for Barghest. I also think a demon who's a bottom fits me better than the extroverted lover. Anyway this is it for my post, I'm not dead yet! I love you!

[flawsimperfectionswhatididwrong]

childhood

I cannot say I had the worst childhood. I had a very challenging one, constant instability.

as a kid I'd watch these tv shows with family members that supported and cared for their children. I grew up with adults that felt like they already were tired of my existence. obv as a child you want these adults to approve of you because they're the people who feed you and provide for you and they were supposed to love you. I became a people pleaser. despite the disrespect I still tried to love these people. these are just some things that come to mind. I misbehaved a lot as a child, whenever anyone had anything to say about me as a kid I was troubled

here are some horrendous things they used to say to me as a child:

(8yrs) keep misbehaving we'll ship you back[we are an immigrant family] we should've brought your sister instead she wouldn't act like you

(9yrs) just give the rest of you food to [me], she's like a recycling bin anyway

(9yrs)youre getting fat you should diet and lose that weight off

(10yrs)you should get braces so you have a prettier smile *I then stop smiling in pictures and just make silly faces* can you just smile

(7-12yrs) if you don't finish your food you can't get up from the table *SAME PERSON WHO WOULD CONSTANTLY BODY SHAME ME*

(19yrs)*I lose weight bc of depression* youre too skinny now you should gain your weight back, you looked better when you had a butt

another family member: omg look how much weight you lost you look so sexy now

(13-19yrs)*I get up to snack on something* didn't you already eat, youre gonna gain more weight

(7-13yrs) you never do anything right, ill do it, move youre in my way, you are so useless

(16yrs)*context: I was wearing a cropped turtleneck with high waisted skinny jeans* why are you wearing that, you kids want to dress like adults so bad

diff fam member: no let her be, if she steps out the house like that let her deal with the lash back of weirdos lookin at her(justifying that if I'm sexualized it's my fault and if someone were to harass or bother me it's because I wore what I wore)

(17yrs) you spend so much time with your friends and never with your dad, you really think your friends are going to stick around for you, they won't care about you in a couple years

(8yrs) *misbehaving but not diff from any other 8 yr old* that's why your dad is going to leave you

(18yrs)*dad calls me out to talk to fam on zoom and at this point im already distant with them* hi [my name], oh! hi [my cousin] how are you omg you look so beautiful recently tell us about this that this.

these comments still play in my head to this day, they hit the hardest when I don't have the energy to

these comments lead to me having a horrible relationship with food where id over indulge or just not eat at all

these comments run in my head when I can't get a task done properly

these comments run through my head when I dress myself for the day

these comments cause me to overshare when I am being misunderstood

these comments make me believe that I am not good enough to be loved

these comments made me feel unwanted, put aside, invisible

these comments are used as fuel by my own mind, when im failing at my goals

who ever finds this list and read through it, I warn you to be cautious of everything you say around them...

[casspurrjoybell-27]

Claimed by the Beast - Chapter 17b

*Warning Adult Content*

Rejection - Part 2

- Everett -

"I'm sorry for what I said," Everett starts.

"I didn't mean to imply anything about your parental skills..."

"It's fine," Josie cuts him off and smiles.

"You're upset. All's forgiven." "I really don't deserve your kindness."

Everett sighs.

"Jackal or not, it's still fucked up knowing someone's getting murdered not far from where you sleep. I get this may have become your norm over time but it isn't mine and it never will be..." he pauses when his mind walks him back to the chaos going on outside.

Is it happening right now, the torture and killing?

Does Knox use his bare hands or tools?

Maybe both?

Everett shakes his head quickly, tossing the twisted thoughts aside.

"It's one thing knowing what Knox is but it's something completely different when you actually witness it firsthand," Everett finishes.

"God, I can still hear that man's screams and then the silence that followed after... Knox did whatever the hell he did to him."

"I've seen and heard things around here that I wish I hadn't," Josie confesses.

"Tonight was undoubtedly a bad night. I wish I had better advice for you but I prefer to be honest rather than sugarcoat shit, so I'll just say it, there's no magic way to process what you've seen and heard. Moving on from it won't be easy but it is possible. As for the how... well, that's something you'll have to figure out on your own. Just remember you're not alone. I'm here for you."

"I think I might've legit gone crazy by this point had we never met," Everett says.

"Thanks for talking me down from the edge again. Feels like I should start paying you for your time." Josie laughs.

"You can pay me back by babysitting."

"Deal." Everett smiles.

"When are you due?"

"Three months from now," Josie answers while rubbing her swollen belly.

"I look bigger than I should because I eat a lot. I thought I'd be self-conscious about the new weight gain but Gavin... I don't know. That man is insatiable. His hands are on me every free chance he gets."

Everett chuckles and goes to respond but then Knox appears at the opened door and it's like all good things immediately gets sucked out of the room.

He glances at Josie and jerks his head to the side, signaling for her to leave.

She gives Everett a call-if-you-need-me stare before standing to go.

She whispers something to Knox in passing, then gently closes the door after herself.

"This your new room?" Knox asks quietly.

"I don't know. I just wanted my own space for tonight," Everett says.

"Sorry if that makes you upset."

"I'm not upset. I'm..." Knox stops himself but Everett wishes he'd kept going.

"Are you afraid of me now?"

"It's complicated."

"In what way?"

"I don't know how to answer that at the moment."

They stare at each other and say nothing more.

A beat passes, then two, then three and it's Knox who decides to swallow his pride and pain to take advantage of what little time he has left with Everett.

"Are you patching me up or am I doing it myself?" Knox asks, referring to his semi-injured arm.

His actions tonight have clearly rubbed Everett the wrong way, so much that they're now sleeping apart.

For a moment, Knox thought they were on the same page.

Obviously, he was wrong.

He had it wrong from the start and now he's paying the price for it.

Everett's rejection hurts more than getting shot.

"My bathroom is pretty bare with supplies, so we'll have to go to your room."

Everett follows Knox out of the door and into their old room, still unable to fully meet his gaze.

He orders the man to sit on the toilet while he sets up the supplies on the sink.

"Is your arm hurting you any?"

"You refusing to look me in the eye hurts a hell of a lot more," Knox answers.

Everett doesn't respond.

He works quickly to wash and sanitize his hands and then he uses a damp rag to clean Knox's arm.

The silence inside the bathroom is deafening.

It makes Everett work twice as fast and in no time, he's throwing a bandage over the wound and tosses the trash into the garbage bin.

"I'm no doctor but it didn't look like you'll need stitches. Just keep a watch on it and try..." Everett pauses when Knox stands to tower over him, both hands cupping his face.

"Don't," Everett whispers with quivering lips, shutting his eyes.

"I can't. I'm sorry."

"You can," Knox coaxes. "Look at me."

Everett loses it at the feeling of Knox kissing his tears away.

He grips the man's wrists and opens his eyes, looking directly at him.

"Knox..."

"I'd choose death quicker than I'd allow myself to hurt you, Everett. I only want to protect you. I'm not out to harm you. I need you to understand that and believe it," Knox says.

"There's no reason for you to fear me and it's killing me that you are right now."

"I saw a man die," Everett whispers. "He took his last breath as I held him. Doesn't matter how many days pass or how deep I bury the memories of that night in my mind. Shaun's death will always be with me and the triggers lying around this place are endless. I  never know what'll set me off. I don't... I just want things to go back to normal. I'm so fucking tired."

Not physically but emotionally.

Knox senses it and acknowledges it.

He keeps his thoughts to himself while walking Everett back to his new room, kissing him on the forehead before departing without another word.

It's more than the lifestyle that he lives, it's Knox's entire existence.

He'll forever be a walking trigger for Everett, yet another reason why they're so unfit for each other.

Why a future with them together is next to impossible.

Knox swallows the hard pill despite it feeling like it's destroying him from the inside out.

And Everett does the same.

[daughters-of-liberty]

I see where you're coming from, but let me lay out my problems with people in my family, using your tags as a good layout, lest I go into a tirade...again.

First off, what makes you think I hold myself to a lower standard than those around me? On the contrary, I hold myself to the highest standard, while everyone around me routinely let's me down and gets away with it scott-free. But sometimes the standards are totally achievable and they still wildly disappoint me. For example, I would never, say, ruin my granddaughter's birthday consistently, year after year and make it about me, where I wanted to eat, what I thought would be the best gifts to get her, not about what she wants. I would never do that. My grandmother always did, though. And damn you if you brought this up to her! She'd make an even bigger scene! So, no, I am not harder on my elders than I am on myself...and they're still disappointing.

See, in my family, if I try to communicate my hurt feelings, they'll tell me "you're being overly emotional" or "you need to grow a sense of humor!" But when you hurt their feelings? Oh, boy...you might as well have just violated the Geneva Conventions. Yes, even if it was unintentional.

I'll give another example here, my mother is otherwise pretty great, but she had this nasty habit of calling me a twig, because I was the skinniest in my family for a loooong time, whereas she had gained weight after having me and constantly struggled with losing that weight and had poor self image issues ever afterwards because of it; she routinely referred to herself as a beached whale.

One night, we were making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and she asked to grab the peanut butter from the pantry for her. I asked if she wanted smooth or chunky, "chunky" she said. Now, we always bought Skippy brand peanut butter and their chunky PB is called "Superchunk". Instantly, I started singing "superchunk" to the tune of "Superfreak", which is a song about a girl. "She's a super chunk, super chunk, she's super chunky." And my mom started inexplicably crying and locked herself in the bedroom for the rest of the night. I was at a loss, my dad (who was also overweight) was totally confused, and I didn't know what I did wrong. I should mention I was 12 at the time and just singing a silly song, something that was a normal form of humor in my household growing up.

Later my dad told me it the reason why mom wigged out over my impromptu song. I felt bad. But also felt like...idk, she kinda overreacted? And every person I've told this story to has agreed with me, including my therapist, who is very good at seeing things from other people's points of view.

So there's one story of how I hurt someone's feelings in my family, completely accidentally. I won't begin to list all the times I've had my feelings hurt, sometimes intentionally, with the aim of giving me "a thicker skin". God, I would LOVE to communicate my feelings without being told I'm too emotional or a crazy bitch. I would kill for that.

See, that's the problem, here. This is how I go through life. This how I've gone through life since my earliest memories. I've constantly walked on eggshells to make others happy. And the few times I thoughtlessly attempt to make jokes or be silly, like the above situation, I end up hurting someone. I'm so sick and tired of people telling me to think about others. Again, what makes people think I don't do that?

I give myself literal migraines and stomach cramps trying to calculate what I say and how I say it are going to affect the people around me. And then, the people around me wonder why I'm so quiet all the time. 🤦‍♀️

And this isn't your fault; you're a random person on the internet. You don't know me. You might even be a bot! I don't know!

But the fact that my family, the people who "know me best", assume I'm careless in my interactions with them when, at every conversation growing up, I felt like like I was in a scene of Game of Thrones, particularly, any scenes between Sansa and Cersei. I didn't even know what Game of Thrones was at the time! But that's how it felt; one misstep and I was done for. But they could blatantly insult me to my face and I'd have to say "thank you for your generosity".

That's the saddest part: they don't know that they're abusive. Because, again, I try to communicate my feelings and I'm the bad guy. But also because the one trait that my mother, my father, my grandparents on both sides, and my MIL all have in common is: "I'm. Always. Right."

There is no reasoning with them. There is no telling them what you need to change.

Indeed, the few family members I've gone no contact with always tried to tell me "I can't guess what's wrong, you need to tell me". I did. They just weren't listening. "I can't fix it if I don't know it's broken."

Well, you should've known it was broken from the last, I don't know, DOZEN times we've had a fight about something and I say "you'll never change," because you never do? I know it's ignorance, but I just can't tell if it's willful or not.

I'll finish this with a question for you:

Is that good enough for you? Is that actually okay?

Because, let me tell you, as the ONLY person in my life who is a) going to therapy actively, b) managing without medication, and c) managing without illicit drugs or alcohol, I gotta say, it gets old when people tell me I'm not working hard enough on my mental health issues when they're not even working on theirs, period. Add being pregnant on top of that, and yeah... I'm bout damn ready to block all of them.

Again, I'm the bad guy for not changing fast enough when they're not even changing. I'm the bad guy for setting up healthy boundaries. I'm the bad guy for being firm in protecting my feelings. I'm the bad guy for taking breaks from certain people in my life who are exhausting for me to be around when I'm not pregnant. I'm the bad guy for taking my health into my own hands. I'm the bad guy for debating family in regards to MY birth plan.

My family can use and abuse me until the cows come home, but I'll be damned if they treat my children the way I was treated.

So you gotta ask yourself, too: even if you can contend with your mother not going to therapy and not changing her behaviors, can your children? I genuinely hope you never have to cut her out of your life one day due to these behaviors. I genuinely hope your children never cut her out of their lives due to these behaviors. I genuinely hope your kids never confide in you about something really hurtful your mother said them.

But, God forbid, if they ever do, I hope you do better than my own mother did and tell her "hey, you gotta go to therapy or you can't see the kids anymore." You gotta stand up to people who are being hurtful, if not for yourself, then for your kids.

So, going back to your original statement, no. I will continue to hold my elders to the same stages I hold myself. Only now that I'm not only fighting for myself but also my baby, when they disappoint me, because they always do, there will be consequences.

I'm gonna say it: I actually hate being pregnant.

I'm tired all the time. I'm hungry all the time. Everyone is so excited and I'm not. Everyone is offering me advice I didn't fucking ask for. Everyone is telling me what to eat and what prenatals to take. We've already picked out names either way, but my MIL wants the middle name to be her name if it's a girl. I just feel like everyone is making MY pregnancy and MY baby about them, and I'm sick of it!!

And I swear to God, if I read one more pregnancy article, trying to find an answer to a question I have, and I read the words "you got this mama!" one. more. FUCKING. time... blood will be shed, I don't give a fuck.