flawsimperfectionswhatididwrong

[flawsimperfectionswhatididwrong]

I want to be better

I miss you but I know it's not healthy to stay together if our goals and life styles don't match. it's healthy that you told me and are setting boundaries to try and heal. it hurts me to be so disconnected to you.

I admit that when you were telling me that you didn't see me fitting in your life, I shut down. I didn't know how to react, I just sat there and cried. I'm sorry that I become a wall. it was hard to be affectionate. it was hard that you were letting me go when I was so ready to grow with you. I feel like you ran away too soon, I feel like I'm still going to do good without you.

I felt like I was starting to change and put things into motion, and maybe you didn't see it the same. somethings you would say were hard to swallow but I needed to understand it.

I love you so much and I don't know those words can even encapsulate the full emotion I feel for you. being with you is like a large breath of relief. like I can relax, I wasn't scared to love you because I knew you'd be gentle and care for me.

I understand you are not over her, that she still haunts you in your sleep or the nights you lack sleep. I'm sorry, I didn't know how to help you heal. She was a strong essence that you enjoyed and liked to hold on to. but it was unhealthy to let you continuously talk about missing her. I should've told you at some point but I didn't want you to be afraid to be vulnerable with me.

you are a great person but I also think there were times you could've met me half way. or at least been more open to the possibility that the world you want to live in might not be healthy for a family you may want. I understand you do what you can to be a good person but it's more than just thinking these things, it's also making sure those around you are aligned in good intentions.

I still get the urge to check my phone if you've texted me. I want to know how your day went, what food you're craving to eat after work, what your plans are for this weekend. what we could've done for Valentines, but I think the hints were coming together when you stopped asking me about plans.

I want to hear you singing in the shower to Ankhal, or Feid, or Bad Bunny, you had a really nice voice. I want you to show me the songs you made again and again, share your talents with me, play them while we ride home. I want to help you clean, cook...it's so hard for me to shower now, because I just remember when I would shower with you and we'd share chisme. I really miss you. when you were showering and you'd ask me to sit with you even if I wasn't going to shower. how encouraging you were when I wasn't feeling good to do what I needed to. when I would get up to do something but you reached out to just tell me to sit with you, even if we were just on our phones. when your face was lit up from the video game screen and we both wore our blue light glasses. the faces you'd make when you were concentrating or thinking.

I wish i did more to make you see the I really enjoyed you and that I was willing to change for you and for myself. I'm sorry if at times I wasn't fully mentally present. I planned to do so much for you when valentines day came and when I had enough money, I wanted to get you a gift basket with new sweats, a speaker, better bedsheets, new shoes. I wanted to do so much and I had so much hope.

now looking back I can understand you were unsure if you should stay with me because it didn't sound like what you liked was me, maybe it was memories of her were still taking up space in your mind. I respect you for stepping back instead of trying to force me to be her. not a lot of men can differentiate that. I really hope I can see you again in the future.

I want you back but I know I can't control the outcome of that so I'm just going to work on being better for myself. if/when we can reconnect I can tell you my journey. but I don't hold that scene to be fixed. maybe you won't ever come back, you really don't want me in your life but at least the thought of you maybe coming back and having a conversation with me about my growth makes me want to do better. I know I need to let go of you, and eventually I will but your presence in my life really hit hard and dug deep.

[flawsimperfectionswhatididwrong]

I'm sorry

I'm sorry. I chose a new relationship over our friendship. I felt that choosing a new relationship with him was leading m=to happiness and peace, with the mind I had at the time, I found safety in him. I'm sorry that I have made you lose trust in people. I was one of the main people you trusted and I broke that.

now that him and I are broken up, I want to say I regretted choosing him, but I'd be lying to myself if denied that learned new things. I learned how I can prioritize myself, create a routine for myself, how a healthy serious relationship should be.

you were upset at me for being so dependent, that I needed to stop relying on validation of other and most especially men. at the time I didn't know how to tackle that, I didn't know where to start. I'm understanding now that I'm the only person I can depend on to fix my own issues. but being with him made me realize things about myself I was scared of confronting.

im afraid to be alone

im scared to trust myself, constantly doubting myself

I shut up when something upsets me instead of expressing what I was feeling

I have a hard time putting words together when I have overwhelming emotions

I would rather stay comfortable than work to change my mindset and my positioning

then there are the good things

he would always try to understand me and talk to me about the issues I was having

he was always open to me being vulnerable about things

he wanted to have those long conversations even after a long day to try and resolve the big emotions I'd feel

he was always considerate of how I'd feel and what would make me happy

did small things to remind me he loved me and was thinking about me

wanted to see me get better and do better

I learned a lot from him. I know it might not be what you'd like to hear, but it's the truth. I'm sorry I betrayed you, I broke your trust, and lied. I know the last thing want to see is this message from me to im posting it here anonymously. I still love you and hope the best for you, you've always been good to me and in a time of conflict I didn't choose you. im sorry M_______.

[flawsimperfectionswhatididwrong]

childhood

I cannot say I had the worst childhood. I had a very challenging one, constant instability.

as a kid I'd watch these tv shows with family members that supported and cared for their children. I grew up with adults that felt like they already were tired of my existence. obv as a child you want these adults to approve of you because they're the people who feed you and provide for you and they were supposed to love you. I became a people pleaser. despite the disrespect I still tried to love these people. these are just some things that come to mind. I misbehaved a lot as a child, whenever anyone had anything to say about me as a kid I was troubled

here are some horrendous things they used to say to me as a child:

(8yrs) keep misbehaving we'll ship you back[we are an immigrant family] we should've brought your sister instead she wouldn't act like you

(9yrs) just give the rest of you food to [me], she's like a recycling bin anyway

(9yrs)youre getting fat you should diet and lose that weight off

(10yrs)you should get braces so you have a prettier smile *I then stop smiling in pictures and just make silly faces* can you just smile

(7-12yrs) if you don't finish your food you can't get up from the table *SAME PERSON WHO WOULD CONSTANTLY BODY SHAME ME*

(19yrs)*I lose weight bc of depression* youre too skinny now you should gain your weight back, you looked better when you had a butt

another family member: omg look how much weight you lost you look so sexy now

(13-19yrs)*I get up to snack on something* didn't you already eat, youre gonna gain more weight

(7-13yrs) you never do anything right, ill do it, move youre in my way, you are so useless

(16yrs)*context: I was wearing a cropped turtleneck with high waisted skinny jeans* why are you wearing that, you kids want to dress like adults so bad

diff fam member: no let her be, if she steps out the house like that let her deal with the lash back of weirdos lookin at her(justifying that if I'm sexualized it's my fault and if someone were to harass or bother me it's because I wore what I wore)

(17yrs) you spend so much time with your friends and never with your dad, you really think your friends are going to stick around for you, they won't care about you in a couple years

(8yrs) *misbehaving but not diff from any other 8 yr old* that's why your dad is going to leave you

(18yrs)*dad calls me out to talk to fam on zoom and at this point im already distant with them* hi [my name], oh! hi [my cousin] how are you omg you look so beautiful recently tell us about this that this.

these comments still play in my head to this day, they hit the hardest when I don't have the energy to

these comments lead to me having a horrible relationship with food where id over indulge or just not eat at all

these comments run in my head when I can't get a task done properly

these comments run through my head when I dress myself for the day

these comments cause me to overshare when I am being misunderstood

these comments make me believe that I am not good enough to be loved

these comments made me feel unwanted, put aside, invisible

these comments are used as fuel by my own mind, when im failing at my goals

who ever finds this list and read through it, I warn you to be cautious of everything you say around them...

[flawsimperfectionswhatididwrong]

Relation to "I betrayed you"

there are so many things I could've done better

flirted with him without specifically clarifying to my friend if her feel uncomfortable

not pursued it on her bday

communicated with her sooner about him and I being in contact

not continuing to contact him after she expressed to me her rage

I should've left him alone after the trip

been more aware of you history of turmoil with him