#And instead find ways to make manageable goals and milestones for myself

[drowsyirisarchive]

It’s so hard to try and get yourself to believe that what you are capable of is enough, that all the things that you can control is all you need to focus on, and that you should never ever compare yourself to other people’s pace and progress.

[tsaritsa]

Congratulations on winning Nano!!! Any hot takes or unconventional tips on how to achieve a huuuge milestone like that in so little time?

Also, if you'd like to share, I'd love to hear more about the piece(s) you worked on during this year's event! Big yay if you want to tease us with a sneak peek as well. 🙂

Congratsss again!!!

ty!!!! i am afraid my tips might seem kind of obvious and not that much of a hot take but here's what worked for me:

writing sprints. do 10 min. do 17 min. do 30 min. whatever it is, just get words down on the page. after each sprint was finished i'd look at what i wrote, fix up the most glaring mistakes (espe if the words looked terrible. i've learned to live with a lot of spelling errors bc otherwise u waste too much time. during nano each day i'd prolly manage between 2-3 sprints -- usually enough to net me between 1000-1500 words each day. i wouldn't stop if i hit the daily total, i'd stop when i could feel the motivation waning. my lowest day was under 300 words, my biggest was just over 4000.

get a community. writing sucks alone. i feel very grateful that i've made some friends on here who were also trying to write regularly, so now there's 5 of us in a little discord i've made. we do sprints with each other and share lots of snippets, memes, pretty pictures etc. it keeps us excited about our own projects, but also allows us to cheerlead each other on.

get used to placeholders. i use TK. anytime there's a word i need but it's not on the tip of my tongue? TK my beloved. sometimes i'd write like she sighed in a TK kind of way, or like harry opens his mouth to argue about TK TK some work thing he's doing TK TK. it just keeps u in the pace of writing ur in, but allows for a few words to be spent writing down a piece that needs further expansion.

establish habits and goals. for me, it's stuff like trying to write the bulk of my writing with a nice candle lit, but also the silly stuff like putting on lippy so I feel like. Ready to do shit. have a few drinks avail. one to hydrate (ice cold) one to caffeinate (also ice cold). play music or sounds that will help u get into the zone without overly distracting. now that i've won it i'm gonna treat myself to some silly purchases as well bc i should reward myself for such hard work and dedication. i'm thinking a v comfy hoodie.

overall if i didn't have the community i had this month i think my external motivation would've been lost quickly, so find friends to yell at about ur project. watch yt videos about ppl doing writing! make posts and don't give a flying fuck about being cringe or not suiting ut 'aesthetic'. this is u. do it for U.

in terms of this project: the short version is hermione goes back to hogwarts post book 7 and has to slowly begin to recover from/learn to live with the PTSD she's gained. alas, draco is also back and she's gotta learn to make peace with the fact that he's allowed to want to change and that he's making small steps to become a better person than who he was. they're gonna kiss and be disgusting with each other. ultimately this is a story about hermione's journey, as the whole thing is written from her perspective, so although the dhr aspect is there, there are also other important relationships i want to focus on -- especially her and harry.

i'm ignoring/expanding on a lot of canon, and using some details from the movies i prefer over the books (namely her mudblood scar bc mmmmm parallels). i don't really know if anybody is in character but i don't care! this is my story and i'll do it how i see fit haha.

the following excerpt comes from late sept in the current draft. at this point dhr has been forced together a few times already. draco has surreptitiously managed to drug slughorn with a potion of his (slughorn's) own making during their potions class bc the potions professor was spending an entire lesson just showing off instead of. u know. teaching.

[aliciachimera]

what do i wish for? personal thoughts

if we're talking dreams and aspirations, i suppose i should say that i want to see a more peaceful world. i want to be able to resolve my own problems, physical, mental, emotional, all in a constructive manner. i am a flawed person, and every day i feel like i have to accept that if i want to feel Comfortable being myself. i am not always social, talkative, or bright. sometimes i make the wrong choices but i try to learn from them. sometimes, i don't even know if i've made good or bad choices, just decisions that let me continue being here for another day, another week, another month. i want to try and be honest to others and to myself. sometimes i find myself relating to others' experiences, other times i can't fathom what they've felt and gone through.

"i want to be a good friend."

the amount of people i know now is far greater than the amount of people i used to know. i'm capable of conversations where i would otherwise be unable to speak up and chip in about. but sometimes i just, can't speak any more and my social battery's hit its limit. sometimes i just, like the silent company of friends knowing that i belong with them. i think that's what i treasure most, having people that i belong with, that i relate to, that i love dearly.

"i want to find my home."

moving around several times over the past 6 years and facing a lot of continuous financial strain has been demoralizing, to say the least. losing measures of independence, losing pets that i loved dearly, moving back in with family has been, one long chain of stress that feels more like quicksand that pulls me down the harder i try to pull myself out. i, don't really hang out with friends in the real world. its not an incorrect statement to say that i live vicariously through my fursona for enriching my life with imaginative fantasy and self-expression alike.

"i want to be my truest self."

i don't think this goal is attainable in the raw sense, instead a goal that's measured in milestones to look back upon and recognize that i do actually have an impact on this world, through the big and small accomplishments. sometimes i struggle with feeling like i don't exist, like i don't want to exist, like from my birth to my upbringing to managing my diabetes and struggling with feeling lost in my adolescence and young adulthood, all like it was just mistake after mistake, and averting crisis after crisis. but, it doesn't have to be that way and i don't have to see myself like that any longer. when i'm happy its Okay for me to be happy. when i'm sad its okay for me to be sad. i do, actually matter. i learned how to love myself and i learned how to love the people around me. That, is something i wish i could tell my younger self, mired in hatred and misery for suffering loneliness in that numb void for far, far too long.

and i think telling others that i still believe in hope of a brighter tomorrow, of a better tomorrow, doesn't have to be a lie. it can be real as long as we make it real. we get to determine that for ourselves, all of us. All of Us.

[epiclevelup]

2022 reflection + 2023 goals

So, apparently I reappear here once a year for the new year.

This year was really an eventful one and, despite not having accomplished many of the goals I set out last year, I still managed to get done a lot, and reach some nice milestones.

I landed some good student job opportunities at my university, which are allowing me to fully support myself financially.

I worked on a couple of projects that got me featured in university related magazines and an important international fair.

I've expanded my network, and found a circle of close friends I absolutely love to spend time with.

I've landed a great internship, not at the most prestigious company, but on a really cool project, with an amazing office in a skyscraper and with the most amazing supervisor one could hope for.

I've also just started investing and joined a club where I'll hopefully make some friends and find a new hobby!

Of course, not all has been perfect. Is suffered a family loss, which still hurts when I least expect it.

I still have not finished my degree, nor decided for a master. I also procrastinated too long on deciding on one, which will make it impossible for me to join a really prestigious school, unless I apply next year.

I took on too many responsibilities, afraid of missing out on a good opportunity. And ended up performing worse than I could have, and not being able to perhaps take on different opportunities.

My personal life is still in shambles, in some regards, and I have a long way to go to be a fully functional adult. My room is often a mess, I struggle to bring myself to do my laundry, I'm still learning how to budget (and mostly to keep to that budget), I'm a serial procrastinator, I wake up late because I use my phone too much, and I'm not regularly doing any sport of physical activity.

And this brings me to the lessons learned and goals. This year I want to focus on changing the things that are not working out for me, instead of a list of random things. So the lists will be only one.

Becoming more conscientious (aka, adulting 101):

This year I've realized that in order to be successful in my life, I need at least some basic order and discipline. The four things I really want to focus on will be:

Fixing my sleep schedule. Actually going to bed early, and waking up at 7. Currently I'm working towards 8, and struggling. So this is a possible, yet ambitious goal.

Keeping my room tidy. Not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. Just tidy enough to be decent, to not be embarrassed to have people over, to be able to find my things, to have some mental order.

Getting some regular exercise. Recently I've dug up some relics from a sport I used to do, and love, as a kid. I would love to pick that back up on my own. Work on my strength and flexibility. Also rejoin the gym, as I actually enjoyed that.

Eat healthy, and plan meals. So that I can loose the weight I've gained in the last few months (and get back to my ideal weight) and also save, as I've been overspending on my food for no good reason. I would also love to eat more locally sources and sustainable food.

Part of me kinda wants to end it here because, as easy as this might sounds, I know that these goals will be challenging for me. Therefore, I really want all my focus on them. Still, my life also needs to go on also on the academic and career level. So here are my goals on that regard:

Setting a strong foundation to build my dream life on (aka, doing something with my life):

This year I've often felt aimless and directionless. As always, I want to do everything and nothing at all. I've chosen a direction (which part of me is already questioning), but am still struggling to see what I really want in my life, and what would make me happy. This is I'm wrapping up this chapter of my life, and figuring out what my next steps are by:

Finishing my bachelor degree. With honours.

Saying no more. I hear a quote that said that the difference between a millionaire and a billionaire, was that the billionaire said no a billion times more (or something like that). This year I've truly learned that opportunities come with a cost, and should be carefully considered and weighted. This year I'm quitting the jobs I'm not enthusiastic about, and learning to say no to opportunities, people and also distractions.

Networking. But not really networking. Making friends. Building connections and relationships. Not just thinking of who could be useful. But just who I vibe with. Who I like. Who I want to be more like. Who I can help.

Last but not least, setting up something for myself. Either a company, or some social media venture. Create something that is mine. Be consistent. Create value.

That's it. Maybe we'll see eachother in one year. Maybe I will report back sooner, and actually start posting more often. Who knows...

[versadies]

hello hello! for the soulmate prompts, libra (lie imprint) + kazuha + hc scenario + fluff wherein kazuha's soulmate is very two faced (kind and caring outside but very cold and bitter inside) and lies a lot so he'd get all the tatoos. ^^ thank you and congratulations on your milestone!

i knew you were trouble (hc scenario)

penpal: ty for requesting ! happy readings <3

prompt: libra the scale, lie-tattoo soulmate au

pairing/s: kazuha x gn!reader

sypnosis: in which kazuha knew you're more than what meets the eye, but still loves you regardless.

includes: spoilers to inazuma archon quest (prologue) and kazuha's story profile, two-faced reader, badmouthing, and ooc!kazuha (?)

the moment kazuha managed to get away from his homeland, his mind were filled with thoughts of what happens next.

it's true that the crux fleet is his new home and that he doesn't mind drifting around the seas, but he felt like he's missing something. something that could make him feel more at ease than confused and conflicted.

it wasn't until he looked down on his body, specifically his right covered hand when he realized his once forgotten dream.

there were many unknown reasons as to why his hand is covered in bandages,

and one of them is his soulmate.

he used to dream of meeting his soulmate after finally being released from the burdens of his fallen clan, ready to explore the unknown and possibly meet his destined other.

but then one thing led to another and that dream stopped after a major change by the raiden shogun.

he couldn't bare to look at himself in the mirror, the words imprinted on his body except his face– it all reminded him of his unfinished goal.

no, he didn't care about the fact that his soulmate lies so much that it practically made half of his right hand fully covered by tattoos, he was concerned that he doesn't have time to try and find them.

and now, perhaps he could continue on his journey.

who knew the start of his said journey could also the end?

days after he escaped from the nation of eternity, kazuha met you, a chef who desires to make unique recipes for the world to feast on.

he met you thanks to beidou, who told him that you'll be going with the crux fleet and set sail around the lands for ingredients.

the samurai didn't think much of it, minding his own business as long as you mind yours. for some reason though, there was something... odd about you that made him feel intrigued.

was it because of the sense that there's something more about you? perhaps.

it made kazuha wanted to know more.

he finds himself talking to you when you offered him to try your newest recipe: a soup that contains the finest ingredients from the ocean with the weirdest seasonings.

it tasted strange in a good way, yet he didn't mind it. not when you're keeping him company.

the samurai would definitely agree on the saying that goes, "food always tastes better when with company."

since then, he often visits your area to see your attempts in cooking new foods, if he feels like it: he'll even tell you suggestions. he finds listening to your words that's laced with care and kindness endearing.

deep down, he knew it wasn't.

he didn't need to listen to nature, he knew right from the start that you aren't what people think you are. he does not seek what lies behind your kind features, but he seeks what made him feel drawn to you.

sooner than later, he finally found the reason why.

"curse this stupid goal," you cursed to no one, yelling out a frustrated noise as kazuha hid himself nearby after coming across to your frustrated self. "curse this wasted trip, when will these idiots stop asking me about liyue?!"

the man watched as you stomp around aggressively, paying no mind to showing your true colors while everyone sleeps away on their beds below you.

he wasn't surprised– after all, nature never lies to him.

before he could try to walk away from you in plain sight, you said something that changed his perspective of you.

"i don't even care about these people." you mumbled, yet it was still loud enough for the man's ears to hear.

kazuha's heart drops when he felt that familiar itch, looking down at his arm to see the new tattoo with words that came out from your mouth a moment ago. this can't be a coincidence, can it?

he was so taken back by surprise that he didn't notice you staring at him with furrowed eyebrows.

"so you saw that, huh?" you speak up. crossing your arms at the sight of the man.

the samurai quickly turns around to your direction, his heart paced quickly from his recent discovery, it felt like everything is coming to it's right place.

"...it's you," he breaths out, his shoulders now relaxing. "after so many years, i found you."

"what are you talking about?"

"you're my soulmate." kazuha blurts out, watching as your face drops and your body went tensed from what he told you. "what you said earlier– it's on my arm."

you quickly hid your disbelieved state, putting up your kind facade once more with a smile. "...you're joking, right?" you said with a light laugh. "i'm surprised, kazuha. i never thought you're the type to joke."

"i'm not joking." he retorts. "i can tell you a lie right now."

your smile slowly fades, staying silent for a moment until you take a deep breath and look at him in the eyes. "tell me one then."

"i hate you."

just like that, your sweet kind facade immediately dissipates, leaving your true self out in the open for the first time in years.

all because of the words that's now imprinted on your right hand.

hesitantly, kazuha slowly walk towards your now shocked state, wanting to be closer to you. "do you think i'm joking now?" he asks.

"...this feels so stupid." you mumbled, still staring at your hand. "why don't you hate me for pretending this whole... sweet and kind attitude?"

"you have your reasons as much as i have mine," kazuha answers quickly, looking at the view of the ocean in front of him. "i'm quite curious of myself as to why you keep up the facade but.. i don't mind having you as my soulmate."

"even if i'm a two-faced? that seems bold of you." you comment grudgingly.

"perhaps i am, but it doesn't stop me from letting myself love a person like you regardless of what you've done to my skin."

before you could say anything, he turns to look at you with soft eyes. "i must say though, i'd like to get to know to my real soulmate instead of the one everyone knows about. if you allow me, that is." he confess.

you rolled your eyes, only to stop yourself and feel a bit guilty for that gesture. "you... you won't like me even... even if you're willing to know this side of me." you said with a frown. "i'm not as a good person as you think i am."

he lets out a light laugh and shakes his head. "i never said i have thought of you as a good person, not that you should be offended by it."

kazuha then lends out his hand to you, still smiling so softly that it made you question whether celestia did a mistake in making someone like the samurai be your soulmate. "i know the abode of the gods has chosen you and i for a reason," he speaks up once more.

"and if i may be so bold to put this out of my chest, i could never imagine myself hating my own destined other."

your mouth twitches up a little from his words, allowing yourself to roll your eyes and accept his offer in defeat. "alright i'll let my so-called true self be shown to you– but only if you stop being so sappy about this."

he chuckles and nods in response, his hand still out for you to shake. "that settles it then. i am kaedehara kazuha, a wanderer who roams the land. and you are?"

"...y/n," you then wrap your hand around his and shook it firmly. "y/n l/n."

[thebibliosphere]

ADHD reward system? Please tell me your secret!

My therapist has been helping me find a reward system that works for me, and as it turns out, gold star stickers are really helpful for making me feel like a tangible goal was met, and helps give me that sweet, sweet dopamine release that comes with completing a task, something which us ADHD’ers really struggle to achieve and are already coming at from a disadvantage with our brains regularly not producing enough “happy” hormones as it is.

It was supposed to be “a sticker for every time you finish a chapter”, but after some revision, my therapist said that was too tall of a goal, and that I should pick something smaller. So instead I now get a star every time I finish a 500-word milestone, placing the sticker in my writing calendar/journal thing that I use to keep track of my writing, and ironically, I have started to produce more work than when I was stiving for one chapter a day.

To give you an idea of how staggeringly effective this has been for me, I’ve written over 30k of original fiction in the last week. (75k total if you include my social media and blog stuff, which I currently do not but likely should.)

So this is what it looked like when I was attempting to do a chapter of edits and revisions a day during the month of December 2019 (note: I was supposed to start this in Nov, so you can see how well that worked out for me lol):

ID: A calendar showing days of the month with a shiny star sticker showing a completed task.

And this is what my writing journal looks like now that I’m doing a star for every 500 words:

ID: an image of a handwritten journal with the dates mapped out, followed by a shiny star sticker for every completed 500-word milestone. There are 65 stars in total for the month of January 2020. It’s also tinged by a green light cause I’m doing a chronic pain experiment, so far with positive results!

So as of today, January 8th, with ever star = 500 words, then 65*500 = 32500 words totalled in 7 days. This does not include, like I said, my social media output where I am far more productive, this is just my fiction and some editing work for friends.

(Which side note: this is not to flex, or to say that others should be able to achieve this level of output. I am a professional writer, this is my main job and only source of income. And also, I was forged in the fires of understaffed editing hell where we would be expected to churn out 100k+ a week in edits and revisions to keep on track. I have the time and a learned skillset I have spent years amassing to be able to do this and am working towards a rigid deadline. I simply have not been healthy enough in a long time to manage it, and am finally working my way back up to speed after years of illness. Don’t look at this and think, “I’m not achieving enough”, every victory no matter how small is worth celebrating. And I say that with the utmost sincerity, as someone who spent most of the last 2-3 years unable to get out of bed.)

I’ve also started using it to help keep track of bills and chores around the home. So every time something gets done/done on time, whoever completed the task gets a star on the calendar. This includes Oppy the Not-A-Roomba, who does a very good job of taking care of the house on a daily basis:

ID: an image of a chore calendar denoting various tasks that have been marked off with a holographic silver star sticker, including our robot vacuum who does an excellent job and deserves all the stars. (Our names got blurred out cause ETD doesn’t want his real name out there in the world, so that’s what is blurry.)

This system is useful for several reasons, the primary one being a sense of achievement and continued motivation, and the second, to allow you to review each month to see where you are doing well, and where you might otherwise be struggling.

For example, if I have a bad day for writing or decide to take a day off, I write that down in the calendar rather than leaving it blank, so that I have a record of what went wrong (or right, if I am electing to self care that day and take a day off) and how my overall progress is doing.

In terms of house stuff, this has been especially useful for ETD and myself, as it shows us where we are managing to do a good job with the house, and where our executive dysnfunction issues really trip us up and where we need to make improvements. And I don’t just mean in an “I should try harder way”, I mean you have to actively sit down and be like “hey! What is preventing me from completing this thing” and trying to figure out effective ways to either get around it or resolve a larger issue at hand.

So for us, the biggest thing we tend to miss is doing dishes after dinner, meaning we get left with a pile-up of dishes to deal with first thing in the morning, and my ADHD can’t handle that. It won’t let me eat until I’ve cleared all the mess, but I usually don’t have the energy to clean up if I haven’t eaten, so it’s this awful cycle of ineptitude. We’re doing better with the star reward system, cause it’s showing us our progress loud and clear on the fridge door, but we are both usually so fatigued and exhausted by the end of dinner that doing dishes is just one thing too many for our mutual disorders. So, the solution for this would, of course, be a dishwasher, cause if we had one of those, we could load stuff in, turn it on, and let those dishes get done while we go to bed then put them away in the morning. We can’t afford to do that right now, and we have other appliances we need to buy/replace before we can do that (still don’t have a tumble dryer, or a washer I can access, rip) but it does give us a tangible goal to work toward, and also, the motivation to keep on top of things because it goes from “an endless task with no end in sight” to “there’s a solution for this, we can manage a while longer.”

Now you could be saying, but Joy, I’m an adult! Surely I shouldn’t expect rewards for completing every day tasks that I should be able to do?!

To which I say, neurotypical people get rewards all the time and get an unconscious dose of dopamine/serotonin from their brains every time they complete a task. They’re playing the game of life on easy mode, the gold star is your achievement for completing it daily on Nintendo 99 hard mode. IF THE STICKER WORKS, TAKE THE STICKER

YOU’VE EARNED IT.

[kuriquinn]

Just had to share this because I'm so excited: for the first time since 2016, I'm under 200 lbs.

I've always been really worried about the extra weight I had on me, especially since we have heart disease and diabetes in our family. Prior to the pandemic I hit 230 lbs, which for someone 5'7" and a tendency to put weight on around the belly and boobs is not good (fuck BMI as a health calculator, the visceral fat is the thing that needed to go down.)

So in 2019 I decided to deal with one of the major deterrents to me doing anything physical and which had caused me terrible damage to my spine: scheduled a breast reduction.

For pandemic reasons it took me about a year before I was able to get it, but during that time I started trying to take off even just a little in preparation for surgery, not doing anything too strenuous (my back is too fucked up and my knees too clicky for something high energy like running or zumba or aerobics) but basically just walking and swimming and gentle yoga, and of course, the dreaded diet. I managed to take off 5 lbs by myself before plateauing in a way that my weight refused to budge.

Luckily my surgery fell between a period of lockdown ending and then month later going back into effect (ah, Quebec. Wtf.), so I spent early 2021 recovering but once my surgeon gave me the go ahead (i lost about 5 lbs more from that surgery alone), I really tried to get into better shape

And it sucked.

And my weight didn't change.

And I kept losing motivation and went weeks, occasionally months without activity and only barely watching what I ate. By some miracle I managed to maintain instead of gain but it wasn't until this year (about the time I was semi-living on my own) that I really got serious about getting healthy.

A lot of motivation for that came down to witnessing Rebel Wilson radically go from overweight to healthy in like 1 year and finding out that she did it without dieting. (And she's also like me in that she will never be a tiny person which is role model goals imo)

And most important (which I think is what messed me up every time I tried to lose weight) keeping in mind that losing weight is not an overnight thing. It might take me a year or more to do it, but I had to celebrate the little milestones and not hate myself when I couldn't stick to goals and such, and also make goals which were reasonable.

So in January I gave myself a best-case goal of losing 40 lbs by this December, regular case 20 lbs, absolute least maintaining (since most years since high school I've put on an extra 5 lbs).

The fact that I'm halfway to that goal by this time in the year makes me feel amazing because it's been so hard to stick to a plan or a goal in the past, especially something as important as health wise. So even if I don't lose anymore weight this year and just maintain where I'm at now (hit 199.9 on the scale today and I don't care if it's just 0.1 off, this is the first time there hasn't been a 2 anywhere on my scale in eight years!), I've already managed to meet my own expectations.

And I really hope that this is just one of more goals I've set for myself, such as finding a job I like (not even love, just something I can do my best at without killing my soul) and getting back into writing, that I can complete by the end of the year.

A big part of that is going to be getting some help with my ADHD, which has been crippling me a lot worse the past year. I feel like as the depression and anxiety meds started working, it exposed all the symptoms of ADHD I've been able to ignore or mask my whole life and which since my burnout I haven't been able to do. So yeah, either gonna need to find some kind of affordable therapist to work with and maybe meds to help manage it, but for the first time in a while I feel like it's possible?

Anyway.

That's just my mood today, and a lot of you have been key to keeping my morale up and dealing with depression stuff (even if I don't interact much with you, your posts make me smile and keep my confidence up!), so thanks so so much for being you, and I hope whatever your personal goals are, no matter how big or small (seriously, just something like getting out of bed in the morning or taking a shower is a huge goal and you are awesome for managing it!), you achieve them.

XOXOXO

Kuri 💜

[quevadilla]

hey, I just wanted to say, especially re: college, if I can offer some unsolicited advice. Take your time. Try some stuff and see what you like. Took me way too long to realise I like one-on-one training and hands on work! Which is essentially the trades, but like, never ever would have envisioned myself there fresh outta hs. Keep trying, but don't force it. Times are tough right now & jokes about 2022 being 2008 are accurate, and that was bonkers enough the first time around without the Panini. Be gentle with yourself whenever possible and keep your head up. Take longer to do things and don't be afraid to try. Rest when you need it. You've got this. It'll come with time.

Yeah fsfs. I actually just got my first job and have been having a lot of fun, and i haven't felt this good since probably sophomore year in high school (~2018 oofie). I like the coworkers I've been on shift w a lot so far. It's a difficult start, but having a job has forced me into a routine so I'm regularly taking my antidepressants again and I'm seeing a therapist regularly and everything. (Luckily, i got a combo of visual and hands-on training for my job, but my first day of training was sitting w an ipad for 2.5 hours of training vids and i gained nothing but memorizable info w/o doing it myself)

Anyone else reading this too, really listen to this advice. It's so hard to be kind to ourselves when we're struggling, especially when we see others (at least seemingly) managing well and especially with the trauma the Panorama has caused for everyone. High school left me super burnt out and i barely had enough credits to graduate (not to mention wanting to drop out for the longest time), but i let the fear of letting the people in my life that i respect down (referencing starting college right away/staying in high school even though it was physically and emotionally draining) come before my well-being and let me tell you, that never ends well.

If you're struggling as a student, know that i had an older woman in my biology lab that had to put the master's degree she wanted on hold to care for her family, but she's at a place now that she can achieve that goal. Everyone reaches their different 'milestones' at different times, and maybe yours comes later than your peers'; it's not something you can reasonably force on yourself.

I may never return to college, and I've finally made my peace with that. It just wasn't the right time for me. I'm making my health and happiness my priority for the first time in a really long time and I'm so proud of where I am now. I attended classes from September-October 2021 and have spent the rest of the time recovering.

If someone is upset that you're not 'where you need to be', they don't have your best interests in mind. You need to protect your health and happiness before anyone else's. It's astronomically difficult to come to terms with (at least for me), but you can't sustainably keep the peace and put yourself second. It's just not possible.

Thank you so much for this ask, honestly. I feel fortunate to have heard similar reassurances and encouragement from my family, but i don't think people are told that it's okay to not be ready for things instead of hurting themselves in the process of 'keeping up' and making others happy, and especially not from family or friends.

In summary: be kind to yourself and take your time; cliché as it sounds, life is a marathon, not a race. Your health and wellbeing are more important than anything else, so protect them. If you need help doing so, reach out, whether it's directly to support or to someone who will help you find support.

[myriadimagines]

Lost Time

The Umbrella Academy One Shot

Pairing: Reader x Number Five

Other Characters: —

Warnings: mentions of death

Summary: Five and his twin sister, y/n, catch up with one another for the first time in 16 years.

Word Count: 1,252

A/N: i don’t really feel like explaining why i wanted to write this but i need to get thoughts down and five fit best with the concept i had in mind so :) this is set in season 1 so no worries about potential spoilers. i’m sorry for not keeping the reader gender neutral (i was basically inserting myself into this akshdas) also idk why i chose to do this in third person instead of second like i normally do but here we are. i was going to make this longer but decided to quit while i was ahead.

please reblog/leave comments, they’re very much appreciated!

A coffee break seems trivial in the wake of the apocalypse, but Five sits in the small diner nonetheless, nursing an empty, coffee stained mug. He taps his shoe against the tile, impatient as always, knowing that every second wasted is precious. 

He looks up as the door chimes, sees y/n wrapped in a dark coat. She doesn’t need to look around the room to know which booth to sit at, making her way to the corner where she and Five used to sit as kids, sneaking out the Hargreeves mansion late at night for donuts and other sugary midnight treats they could get their hands on.

“You’re late.” Five deadpans as she sits down. It’s meant to be a jab, but she brushes it off with the air of someone who’s had to deal with such remarks all her life. She knows better than anyone that having to grow up with seven other siblings practically makes you immune to petty teasing and sarcasm. She shrugs off her coat, hands smoothing over a blouse underneath. She’s well dressed, Five notes, although he wouldn’t expect anything else from his twin.

y/n Hargreeves, Five quickly realised soon after arriving into 2019, grew up to be a sophisticated woman, with a mind as sharp as his. With the styled dark hair and the piercing eyes, the resemblance between the two of them is striking. Even still, with y/n in adulthood and Five trapped as a teenager, one can’t deny the similarities. 

“Good to see you too, Five,” y/n finally says, waving down a passing waitress as she rolls up the sleeves of her top. She smiles at the waitress, curtly nodding, “Some coffee, please.”

y/n slides her mug over to the waitress, who fills up the cup. Before she can depart, Five holds out his cup, and the waitress pauses before hesitantly filling it up. Tapping his finger against the table, Five remarks, “Leave the pot.” 

She blinks at him in surprise. “I—”

Five raises an eyebrow at her, expression stoic, and she hurriedly sets the coffee down, scuttling off. He takes it, filling his cup up to the brim. The novelty of coffee has yet to wear off for him, but he hopes it never does. After 60 years of being alone in an apocalyptic wasteland, coffee is one of the many pleasures that Five has come to appreciate. He gulps it down, frowning at the watery taste — far too weak for his liking. Rolling back his shoulders, he meets his twin’s gaze as he asks, “So, care to enlighten me about why we’re here?”

y/n smiles, slowly taking a sip of her own coffee. She knows her leisurely pace gets on her brother’s nerves. He was always so antsy as a child, rushing off and leaving her in the dust. She smacks her lips together, letting out a hum of appreciation, “Good coffee, isn’t it?”

“Could be stronger.” Five impatiently remarks. Shaking his head, he leans forward as he continues, “We don’t have time for thi—”

“Do you ever think about how much lost time there is between us?” y/n interrupts, and Five’s eyebrows furrow. She leans back in the booth, the leather creaking underneath her as she wraps her fingers around her mug. She traces a finger alongside the handle of the mug, moving along the curve, before continuing, “Some days I try not to. But I find myself coming back to it day after day.” 

Five doesn’t respond, because what can he say? He knows an apology means nothing, and what could he possibly apologize for? Sorry for getting stuck in the future, sorry for not being able to come back. He knows it’s futile, and so does y/n. 

But from the look on her face, Five knows that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. So after a moment’s consideration, Five finally responds, “So talk to me about it. All the time lost, fill me in. That’s why you brought me here, isn’t it?” 

He leans back, shooting her an expectant look. She studies his expression, eyes narrowed, before she takes a deep breath. “I was desolate when you went missing.”

Guilt rushes through Five’s body. He lowers his head, gaze dropping into his coffee. He can see his rippling reflection in the dark liquid, and he absently swirls the mug slightly. Suddenly, he can feel the weight of all the years him and y/n spent apart, violently ripped from one another’s lives to each face a world that they’ve never faced alone. As twins, the two were inseparable, no matter Reginald’s attempts to break that. And in the end, it wasn’t even Reginald who managed to tear them apart. No, Five managed that feat all by himself. 

He curses his arrogance now, curses his boisterous self. The apocalypse aged him more than anything else, burdened him with wisdom and knowledge beyond his age. It all comes in handy now, but at what cost?

“It was painful, at first,” y/n continues. “But the years blurred together after a while.”

Whatever childhood y/n had was stolen from her the day Five went missing, although she reckons there wasn’t much childish innocence left to begin with. It wasn’t long before Ben’s death shattered her further, and she damned the Umbrella Academy within her own mind. A loveless home that had taken everything from her, a cold house that left her empty. 

y/n didn’t know where life would take her, but she always thought one certainty she could rely on was her twin brother. Whatever would happen, he would have her back, until he didn’t. Once she left the academy, she tried living a normal life, tried at some semblance of being ordinary to cover up the childhood trauma. Went to college, got a job, dated around, even thought about starting a family. But with each milestone she hit, every goal that made her seem more normal, it served as a painful reminder of the years she had gone without her brother. A reminder of how old she was getting, and how she would never get to see Five get old with her. Even the few sparse sibling reunions she had with the others were too much to bear, because the family didn’t feel complete without the siblings they had lost.

“You know,” Five speaks up. He sucks in a sharp breath, as if the vulnerability is hurting him,  but he admits, “I would reread your chapter in Vanya’s book, to the point where I’d memorise the words. But I felt like it was all I had of you left. You and everyone else.”

A sad smile appears on y/n’s face. She doesn’t say anything, before remarking, “I adore Vanya, really. But I’ve never hated anything more than I’ve hated the book.” 

Five blinks in surprise at y/n’s statement, before he lets out a low chuckle. “Like I said, that book was all I had left of you guys. But honestly? I hated it, too.”

y/n laughs, snorting in a way that Five used to mock her for, but the bubbly sound of his sister’s laughter makes him feel nostalgic instead. She shakes her head, remarking, “I missed this.”

Five nods, a soft smile lighting up his face. A rarity, y/n knows, for him to genuinely smile without a hint of sarcasm or smugness. The seconds don’t feel wasted anymore, and Five replies, “I missed this, too.”

tag list: @egg2k16​ / @cnco-babes​ / @floup-doodles​ / @batfam16​ / @redbullchick​ / @fangirlsarah16​ / @ofthedewthesunlight​​

[ledamemangociana]

this is not a happy post

apologies in advance, especially to anyone who followed me coz of my various gifsets; i know this kind of thing isn’t what you’re here for. 

i’m unfortunately prone to a venting a lot and lengthily when my depression, anxiety and self-esteem issues get the better of me. most of the time, im feels-vomiting on my twitter, mostly coz i havent used my tumblr quite as regularly as i used to 6, maybe 7 years ago. i’m mostly doing this here now coz i feel like i need the writing momentum to not be stilted by having to click the “add new tweet” button over and over again.

so. i’m turning 35 two weeks from now. and it is getting to me, possibly because of the situation that the pandemic has kept me in for the past year and a half, maybe because 35 feels like a milestone adult age, maybe because turning 35 means 40 is right around the corner. and the closer my 35th birthday is, the more i’m plagued by thoughts of where i am now, where i’m probably supposed to be as an adult, where i wanted to be, and the thought that i’m just never gonna be good enough to not be who and where i am now.

in feb 2020, i started my new job as the digital marketing manager for a pair of upscale hotels, the biggest deal of a job i’ve ever gotten since i started working in late 2011, and the biggest paycheck i’ve ever signed on for too. for the first time in a long time, possibly in forever, the few big dreams i had ever had for myself seemed to be attainable; it felt like they could become goals. a solo trip to japan, getting a place for myself instead of living in the family condo, growing my collections, maybe having an actual social life, those kinds of things seemed within reach.

and then, literally a month into my new job, the country went into lockdown, and legitimately has never come out of it. my work situation changed drastically, to the point where i ran up both of my credit card bills before the year was over (i literally only just got one of them fully paid off last week, and only because my sister was a HUGE help), and i was living off the limited family funds and relying on dad to take care of me. i had a freelance client for a handful of months, only for them to drop me without word at the end of our contract, leaving me without a chunk of the only funds i was making on my own for a while. i’m now working sporadically at my regular job, with a significant cut to my paid hours and therefore my paycheck, but the tasks list just seems to grow longer with each task that i check off of it, leaving me overworked and underpaid (but of course,i know im not alone or special in this, some people have it far worse than me and i’m grateful that i even have a regular work schedule, even if it does look the way it does). im 260 lbs., wearing size 22 or 24 clothes, somewhat sickly and prone to constant painful gout attacks that make it difficult for me to walk, living in a condo unit owned by family because they’re letting me live here, making only a third of the salary i normally should at work without the panemic, subsisting on junk food and softdrinks (it’s an addiction) because much of my money leaves my wallet and goes to paying bills and loans as soon as the money comes in, alone, unloved, unlovable, as prone to hyperfixation as i’ve ever been, and putting up with constantly re-attaching bromides and instax pics that keep falling off of my recently completed anime wall.

i’m 34 years old. i’m turning 35 in two weeks.

you know who else is 34/35 this year? the local barangay captain, a member of the local govnerment unit, who was one of my classmates in grade school and high school. a few years ago, i had seen a tarp across the street advertising her local work-out and yoga classes.

i’ve always hated the question “where do you see yourself 5 years from now/10 years from now/in the future?” because i’ve never been able to truthfully answer it, even when i wasnt an emotionally unstable mess (which was all the way back in elementary). i close my eyes and try to imagine it, and nothing ever comes up. i’d like to think i have an active enough imagination to have been able to write fanfic a lot back in the day, so you know it’s bad when i can’t even imagine a lofty future for myself. at this point in my life, i can’t even say “just simply alive” because i truly don’t know if i will be, i don’t see it. that’s fatalistic, maybe, but i really have never been able to imagine myself living to 40, let alone past that. anything i want for myself remain dreams, things i dont deserve because im not thin, pretty, smart, cultured, skilled. and the closer i get to 40, the less of that already non-existent future i see. 

and it’s just depressing, you know. like. it’s already so hard being depressed about and hating myself WITHOUT this added thought of “you are only growing older and fatter and are headed literally nowhere and everyone your age is far more responsible and mature than you could even dream you’d ever be” mixed in there too. maybe this is just me beating myself up and being my own harshest bully, but what’s stopping me from believing that i deserve this bullying of myself by myself, lmao. 

i dread every birthday. i stopped dreaming things for myself a long time ago. these are all things i just know i can’t and won’t ever live up to, because i’m just this useless sack of potatoes rotting away in the corner of some barn while everyone else is finding some use for themselves and able to make lemonade out of their own lemons, and stuff like that. and yet knowing i’ll never be those things or have those things makes me sad. for someone with a laundry list of negative things about myself i’ve just learned to accept so i can somehow function, having that list sure does make me sad. and it probably shouldn’t, if im so resigned to all of this, but maybe that’s just what happens when you hate yourself - there will always be a reason for you to hate yourself.

oh, and i think i’m coming down with carpal tunnel in my left hand. great.

[softrobotcritics]

Steven Levy describes Google X robots

The Plain View

Every afternoon at 1:30, the robots file into the café. Gliding their way into the dining area on four wheels, the cadre of one-armed creatures weave through a maze of tables. Like hunters stalking prey, they swivel their binocular-sized heads, staring at their surroundings through an array of cameras and sensors. Additional vision is supplied by a Lidar sensor, similar to those on autonomous cars. If these robots had weapons, their appearance would incite panic. But instead, attached to the end of each of those robot arms is a custom squeegee.

These creatures are targeting tabletops. One of them will wheel up to a table and ponder for a few seconds to determine if people are seated; if so, it moves on until finding one that’s empty. After lingering for a second—maybe taking the algorithmic equivalent of a deep breath before the “Let’s do it” moment—the robot twirls and unfurls its limb, stretching the arm over the table to methodically cover the surface with a clear disinfectant. Then it withdraws the arm to squeeze out the excess fluid into a bucket on its base. Task completed, it moves on, seeking another table to swipe.

People finishing their lunch don’t even bother to look up. The robots have been doing this for weeks.

No, this isn’t a desperate attempt to address the labor shortage. It’s research by Everyday Robots, a project of X, Alphabet’s self-styled “moonshot factory.” The café testing ground is one of dozens on the Google campus in Mountain View, California, where a small percentage of the company’s massive workforce has now returned to work. The project hopes to make robots useful, operating in the wild instead of controlled environments like factories. After years of development, Everyday Robots is finally sending its robots into the world—or at least out of the X headquarters building—to do actual work. It’s enough of a milestone that they invited me to observe, two years after WIRED’s Tom Simonite last looked at the project. At that point, they had robots sorting trash into the proper recycling bin. Janitorial services represent the next, if not the final, frontier.

Hans Peter Brondmo, general manager of X's Everyday Robots, with two friends—a state-of-the-art robot (left) and the robot arm he built as a teenager in Norway (right). Photograph: Michelle Groskopf

I kid, but this is serious stuff. Everyday Robots is trying to do two really hard things, a challenge so hairy that some question whether the effort is worth it. The first is credibly performing the tasks of human helpers. Everyday Robots lives on the razor’s edge of Moravec’s paradox, which states that it’s relatively easy for computers to perform difficult cognitive work and devilishly difficult to duplicate the functions of a two-year-old. Elsewhere under the Alphabet umbrella, robots navigate complicated traffic routes, drive automobiles more safely than humans, and become the champion of Go. In the Everyday Robots world, conquering a mundane task, such as crossing a cluttered room and opening a tricky door handle, is like winning the Super Bowl. The table wiping activity, for instance, isn’t just the swipe—it includes a whole suite of actions leading up to it. Take what happens when the path is blocked by a human or object. “The proper response for the robot is, OK, do I have enough space to gracefully move around that?” says Darcy Grinolds, who is the lead of the project’s hardware reliability and design validation team. “Or do I need to reroute myself around completely?”

The second hard thing the project is attempting to do is move toward that goal in such a way that it makes more sense, in terms of both economics and efficiency, to have a robot on hand than a bored and underpaid human.

Google, and now X, has been obsessively pursuing this vision for more than a decade. Leading the Everyday Robots team is Norwegian-born engineer Hans Peter Brondmo, an entrepreneur and engineer who joined X in 2015 and had to make sense of a cacophony of robotics acquisitions by the former leader Andy Rubin, who left the company under a cloud of sexual harassment claims. “Hans Peter was not the obvious choice,” says X’s CEO Astro Teller. “He cares about robotics, but he would be the first person to tell you he's not a world-class roboticist. I picked him because he's a world-class entrepreneur who really understands people. And he's sort of a dyed-in-the-wool socialist—he comes from Norway!”

In an office he shares with a nonfunctional robot arm he built as a teenager, Brondmo explains that making an effective general-purpose robot became possible only with recent advances in machine learning. The engineers use machine learning to train the software to recognize objects and then run millions of simulations to compress weeks of testing into hours. This helps the lumbering robots in his lab to truly understand their environment, and build on that knowledge to accumulate a toolset that helps solve the inevitable dilemmas of coping in the wild. While Everyday Robots might not be as flashy as the dystopian androids in Boston Dynamics videos, they are optimized to get stuff done. (Alphabet once owned Boston Dynamics, but sold it off in 2017.)

“Yes, you see really cool demos on YouTube of robots that can do backflips,” says Brondmo. “But those robots don’t know anything about the environment. You might say our robots are slow, but what they're actually doing is fully autonomous. And they're working in the world we live in, and they're actually learning to do things, simple tasks that are getting more and more advanced,” he adds. “We’re bringing robots that can live and work alongside us into the world we live in, as opposed to us moving into the world they live in.”

Everyday’s robot learning lead, Mrinal Kalakrishman, showed me how his team trained a robot to push open a door, a task necessary for some of the robots’ jobs on the Google campus—for instance, going into conference rooms and determining via sensors if there are toxic levels of carbon. (One imagines robotic Covid monitors at some point in the future.) The door-latch training took under ten hours. But once a single robot learns something, the knowledge is sent back to the whole fleet’s collective cloud intelligence, and thereafter all the robots can open doors with those latches.

On one hand, it’s astonishing to see these robots monitoring conference rooms and wiping tables. But then you ask yourself—why is Alphabet spending millions of dollars to perform chores that wouldn’t challenge a three-year-old? The corollary to Moravec’s paradox is Samuel Johnson’s unfortunate comparison of a woman preaching to a dog that walks on his hind legs: “It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all,” said the 18th century writer and lexicologist. Sometimes at Everyday Robotics it is done well—maybe the most mind-boggling demo I saw on my visit was a choreographed robot dance where three robot units performed an eerily emotional ballet with the team’s artist in residence, Catie Cuan, a dancer pursuing a Stanford robotics PhD. Observing Cuan’s movements and coordinating their own actions via the cloud, the robots executed an intricate human-replicant interplay, while expending spare cycles to provide an improvised soundtrack made of a library of samples from the London Symphony Orchestra.

Two real tests need to be aced before everyday robots will be truly useful: They have to be cheap enough to be a cost-effective alternative to human labor, and they have to be flexible enough to cope with the near-infinite number of unplanned obstacles they will encounter in the chaotic reality that humans easily navigate. X engineer Benjie Holson—he grew up in a family of puppeteers, acquiring a perspective that he says is helpful in his current job—admits that at this point, if the robots cleaning tables were supplied with soy sauce instead of disinfectant, they would blithely soil the surfaces with it.

Getting to the point where robots can figure out if their squeegees are squirting soy sauce—and solving zillions of other unexpected real-world setbacks—is a Sisyphean journey. But it wasn’t long ago that robotic translation, or creative writing, seemed equally elusive. Assessing his team’s advances, Brondmo believes we’re on the cusp of breaking through. “That doesn’t mean that it’s not years away from being real,” he says, “but robotics are going to be a thing where the next generation is going to treat them like we treat these things”—he gestures to his phone. “Second nature.”

It may take a long time before all of us are dancing, so to speak, with robots on an everyday basis. But Brodmo and Teller are convinced that robots wiping off tables—and even bussing them!—will one day be common sights. When pressed for a business case for Everyday Robots, which I doubt will ever be cheap household items, Teller speculates that the average customer won’t buy them like Roombas, but instead arrange with a service provider to send out the bots to perform tasks, whether to clean corporate offices or help elderly clients access the loo. “Am I hoping that robots can help me to live more independently for longer?” asks Teller. “One hundred percent! I would be shocked if, in my dotage, I don't end up that way.”

And the ghost of Samuel Johnson would be shocked if he did.

Time Travel

The quest to create a mobile robot that performs useful tasks goes back well over half a century. In my 1992 book Artificial Life, I describe how now-famed roboticist Rodney Brooks shared an office with Hans Moravec, whose name is immortalized in the paradox invoked above by the Everyday Robots team. Observing Moravec’s experiments helped inspire Brooks to create breakthrough technology like the Roomba vacuum cleaner.

Moravec was building a mobile robot. His goal was to place the robot on one side of a room and have it maneuver its way across the room, avoiding trash cans and desks. He approached the problem with standard assumptions. In order to negotiate its journey successfully, the machine would need a silicon “brain,” which would be the center of its cognition. In the memory of this brain, the robot would retain some sort of representation of the room. It would use vision sensors to “see” this room and compare it constantly with its mental representation of the area. And it would “know” things. It would know what its goal was. It would know what an obstacle was when it saw it. It would know how to move around obstacles. If such a wondrous consummation were ever to occur, it would know when it completed its task.

Moravec was extremely dedicated and clever, if a little odd. He lived in a makeshift warren in Stanford’s AI building, between the ceiling tiles and the roof. His robot was among the best and smartest autonomous robots the world had ever seen. Yet Brooks could not help wondering whether there might be a better way to go about making such creatures. “It would sit and compute for fifteen minutes and move a meter, then sit and compute for 15 minutes more,” Brooks recalls, with unseemly amusement. “That seemed long for me. I didn’t want a real slow robot. I wanted one that was faster to begin with. I wanted a robot to be in the world, with real people around.”

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

TLDR: the present sucks, I can’t wait until we get to the future.

[I make a lot of posts by starting with one idea and just following my train of thought wherever it takes me. If you’ve been following me for any length of time, you may have noticed I tend to rant and meander and make posts with no real point other than for me to say what I want to say (just look through my “rant” tag), and this one is no different. I have just been seeing a lot of political posts today, and I needed to vent. I don’t know, it’s a fruitless endeavor, I’m just some rando shouting his opinions into a canyon and hoping I hear an echo, but it makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something, so by God I’m gonna a keep doing it]

Is anyone else actively waiting for The Revolution™?

Like, I’m operating under the assumption that “shit’s gon go down” in the near future. 2020 was but a taste, a glimpse of the horrors to come. I guarantee you something much, much, MUCH worse will happen in 2024.

I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for the final straw to break the camel’s back. The country is a glass of grape juice balanced precariously on the edge of a counter right above new white carpet; it’s going to fall, it’s just a matter of when.

I don’t WANT war. I don’t WANT unrest. A lot of people will die in the conflict, I cannot condone it, but I often feel as though we’re otherwise helpless. Staying the course won’t change anything, but last years’ protests demonstrably worked; a lot of the calls for change were just talk, as politicians haven’t committed anywhere near as much as they promised to, but the protestors managed to ensure #45 remained a one-termer. Protests give people agency, they let them have an active role, it gave them some power or at least a feeling of power.

Nothing short of revolution will effect substantive change in this country; politicians aren’t just going to suddenly agree to stop making things worse and start making them better. They will only concede when the personal pressure is too great for them to continue. Change only happens when they let it happen; we can’t change anything unless they’re on board, and the only way to get them on board is to make it impossible for them to be off board. Southern conservatives opposed the 1964 Civil Rights Act, but LBJ strong-armed them into passing it anyway. He put pressure on them, and they relented, not because they had a change of heart and wanted to do right, but because they knew doing wrong would be personally detrimental.

We need to make things expensive for the cops and capitalists and conservatives. We need to make them want to stop investing time and money into opposition. We need to break their spirit, crush their morale. It’s a war of attrition, and we need to push them and push them and push them until they’ve had enough and finally sue for peace.

I’m a 24 year old white kid preaching about La Resistance™, I am the embodiment of entitlement. Who am I to talk? Who am I to ask other people to fight when I’m not willing to do so myself? I don’t think of myself as unwilling, I think that given the opportunity I’d be able to fight, but that’s just it, I’m making excuses not to fight in the moment! I keep insisting that I can’t do anything right now, that maybe I’ll be able to do something later, which proves I’m a hypocrite! If I actually cared, I wouldn’t be posting about it to an echo chamber of a couple dozen users I’ve never met on tumbler dot com. If I actually cared, I’d be radicalized by now. I’d be part of a movement, I’d have used my privilege to put my money where my mouth is (I don’t have A LOT of privilege, but I have enough, more than most people, that I could be using it for good)

I feel like posting about this in a public forum is counterproductive. All it does is paint a target on my back for the NSA or FBI or CIA to monitor my movements. If I really cared, I’d go underground and join an actual group, but the problem is that left-wingers don’t really HAVE any groups! Antifa isn’t an organization, it’s an ideology! There are no left-wing militia groups, no splinter cells, no Resistance! Only right wingers do that sort of shit, and they do it with impunity because the feds will never look into them until it’s too late, whereas the feds will nip any left-wing movement in the bud before it sprouts.

I want to be part of something greater than myself, but I’m a coward. I am disillusioned, but there’s no constructive outlet for me. The last thing I want to do is get recruited by some death cult, as happens to a lot of white men my age. I don’t want the message of this post to be that there should be left-wing versions of all the right-wing terrorist groups we ser, I’m not saying I would want to join a liberal version of the proud boys or whoever else (they don’t exist, and I wouldn’t join even if they did), what I’m saying is I want agency in my life. I want to believe I can be in charge of my own destiny, without living in fear of federal and state and local government hurting people. I’m relatively safe, I’m a cis-het white male, I’m not gonna be targeted by extremist groups, I’m not gonna be assassinated by cops for driving with my hands at 9 and 12 instead of 10 and 2. I’m not afraid for my future, I afraid for the future of others with less privilege than me.

I really don’t want to come across as sounding like a libertarian. Like, I don’t fear the concept of government, I fear THIS government specifically. I don’t fear taxes, the exact opposite, I would increase the marginal tax rates to their pre-Reagan levels, I would raise corporate taxes and then put heavy sanctions on any of them that tried to leave the country to avoid paying them, I’d gladly pay more from my own minimum wage paycheck if it meant other people could have the resources they need. I find myself in the green quadrant, but I am by no means a libertarian by the American definition (fuck the Libertarian party, they’re just secular Republicans)

Most American politicians are in the upper right blue quadrant. Yes, even the Democrats. Even so-called Democratic Socialists like Sanders and Warren are closer to the center than actual left-wingers in any other country. There are still communist parties in Europe, but they will NEVER be anti-capitalist parties in the United States. The best we can hope for from our leaders is to keep them from going up or right. If third-party candidates were viable, I’d be a Green, but they’re not, so I’m begrudgingly a Democrat (derogatory).

I just want people to prosper. I don’t want anyone to suffer, I don’t want people to get hurt, I want people to be safe. That shouldn’t be too much to ask, but over the last 250 years we’ve had to fight tooth and nail just to get to where we are today, and this is nowhere NEAR a good place to be.

For the right, the best society was 50 years ago. For the left, the best society is 50 years from now.

There is no end to history, we’ll never reach some cosmic finish line and be like “we did it, we’re done, we won and everything will be good forever,” no, we will always need to keep fighting to drag ourselves further and further towards progress. I find the carrot-on-a-stick to be a very comforting analogy; sure, we’ll never reach it, but we’ll always be moving forward. The carrot isn’t the goal, the destination is the goal. We need to understand that whatever we’re striving for now will look primitive and backwards in ten or twenty years time, so we need to constantly look towards the future instead. Everything changes with time, and we need to get ahead of it, we need to be ready for it, we need to accept and embrace it. If we pick a goal and reach it, we need new goals, we can’t just celebrate victory in the moment and pretend like we’re done. We kept fighting after 1776, and 1865, and 1964, and 2020; there will always be greater milestones to achieve.

[maximelebled]

2019 & 2020

Hello everyone! So yeah, this yearly blog post is about three... four months late... it covers two years now.

I did have a lot of things written last year, last time, but the more things have changed, the more I’ve realized that a lot of things I talked about on here... were because I lacked enough of a social life to want to open up on here.

In a less awkwardly-phrased way, what I’m saying is, I was coping.

Not an easy thing to admit to in public by any means, but I reckon it’s the truth. Over the past two years, I’ve made more of an effort to build better & healthier friendships, dial back my social media usage a bit (number 1 coping strategy), not tie all my friendships to games I play, especially Dota (number 2 coping strategy), so that I could be more emotionally healthy overall. 

Pictured: me looking a whole lot like @dril on the outside, although not so much on the inside. (Photo by my lovely partner.)

To some degree, I believe it’s important to be able to talk about yourself a bit more openly in a way that is generally not encouraged nor made easy on other social networks (looking at you, Twitter). I know that 2010-me would be scared to approach 2020-me; and it’s my hope that what I am writing here would not help him with that, but also help him become less of an insecure dweeb faster. 😉

Not that recent accomplishments have stopped me from being any less professionally anxious. Sometimes the impostor syndrome just morphs into... something else.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is, the first reason it took me until this year to finish last year’s post is because, with my shift in perspective, and these realizations about myself, I do want to keep a lot more things private... or rather, it’s that I don’t feel the need to share them anymore? And that made figuring out what to write a fair bit harder.

The other reason I didn’t write sooner is because, in 2018, I wrote my "year in review” post right before I became able to talk about my then-latest cool thing (my work on Valve’s 2018 True Sight documentary). So I then knew I’d have to bring it up in the 2019 post. But then, I was asked to work on the 2019 True Sight documentary, and I know it was going to air in late January 2020, so I was like, “okay, well, whatever, it, I’ll just write this yearly recap after that, so I don’t miss the coach this time”. So I just ended up delaying it again until I was like... “okay, whatever, I’ll just do both 2019 and 2020 in a single post.”

I think I can say I’ve had the privilege of a pretty good 2019, all things considered. And also of a decent 2020, given the circumstances. Overall, 2019 was a year of professional fulfillment; here’s a photo taken of me while I was managing the augmented reality system at The International 2019! (The $35 million dollar Dota 2 tournament that was held, this that year, in Shanghai.)

If I’d shown this to myself 10 years ago it would’ve blown my mind, so I guess things aren’t all that bad...!

I’ve brought up two health topics in these posts before: weight & sleep.

As for the first, the situation is still stable. If it is improving, it is doing so at a snail’s pace. But quite frankly, I haven’t put in enough effort into it overall. Even though I know my diet is way better than it was five or six years ago, I’ve only just really caught up with the “how it should have been the entire time” stage. It is a milestone... but not necessarily an impressive one. Learning to cook better things for myself has been very rewarding and fulfilling, though. It’s definitely what I’d recommend if you need to find a place to start.

As for sleep, throughout 2019, I continued living 25-hour days for the most part. There were a few weeks during which I slowed down the process, but it continued on going. Then, in late December of 2019, motivated by the knowledge that sleep is such a foundational pillar of your health, I figured I really needed to take things seriously, and I managed to go on a three month streak of mostly-stable sleep! (See the data above.)

Part of what helped was willingly stopping to use my desktop computer once it got too late in the day, avoiding Dota at the end of the day as much as possible, and anything exciting for that matter... and, as much as that sounds like the worst possible stereotype, trying to “listen to my body” and recognizing when I was letting stress and anxiety build up inside me, and taking a break or trying to relax.

Also, a pill of melatonin before going to bed; but even though it’s allegedly not a problem to take melatonin, I figured I should try to rely on it as little as possible.

Unfortunately, that “good sleep” streak was abruptly stopped by a flu-like illness... it might have been Covid-19. The symptoms somewhat matched up, but I was lucky: they were very mild. I fully recovered in just over a week. I coughed a bit, but not that much. If it really was that disease, then I got very lucky.

(Pictured: another photo by my lovely SO, somewhere in Auvergne.)

My sleep continued to drift back to its 25-hour rhythm, and I only started resuming these efforts towards the fall... mostly because living during the night felt like a better option with the summer heat (no AC here). I thought about doing that the other way (getting up at 3am instead of going to bed at 7am), and while it’d make more sense temperature-wise, that would have kept me awake when there were practically no people online, and I was trying to have a better social life then, even if had to be purely online due to the coronavirus, so... yeah.

I’ve been working from home since 2012! I also lived alone for a number of years since then. For the most part, it hasn’t been a great thing for my mental health. Having had a taste of what being in an office was like thanks to a couple weeks in the Valve offices, I had the goal of beginning to apply at a few places here and there in March/April. Then the pandemic hit, so those plans are dead in the water. I wanted 2020 to be the year in which I’d finally stop being fully remote, but those plans are now dead in the water.

Now, at the end of the year, I don’t really know if I want to apply at any places. There’s a small handful of studios whose work really resonates with me, creatively speaking, and whose working conditions seem to be alright, at least from what I hear... but, and I swear I’m saying this in the least braggy way possible... there’s very little that beats having been able to work on what I want, when I want, and how much I want.

This kind of freelance status can be pretty terrifying sometimes, but I’ve managed (with some luck, of course) to reach a safe balance, a point at which I’ve effectively got this luxury of being able to only really work on what I want, and never truly overwork myself (at least by the standards of most of the gaming industry). It’s a big privilege and I feel like it’d take a lot to give it up.

Besides the things I mentioned before, one thing I did that drastically improved my mental health was being introduced to a new lovely group of friends by my partner! I started playing Dungeons & Dragons with them, every weekend or so! And in the spirit of a rising tide lifting all boats, I managed to also give back to our lovely DM, by being a sort of “AM” (audio manager)... It’s been great having something to look forward to every week.

Something to look forward to... I’ve heard about the concept of “temporal anchors”. I had heard about how the reason our adult years suddenly pass by in a blur is because we now have more “time” that’s already in our brains, but now I’m more convinced that it’s because we’re going from a very school routine such as the one schools impose upon us, to, well... practically nothing.

I thought most of my years since 2011 have been a blur, but none have whooshed by like 2020 has, and I reckon part of that is because I’ve (obviously) gone out far far less, and most importantly there wasn’t The Big Summer Event That The International Is, the biggest yearly “temporal anchor” at my disposal. The anticipation and release of those energies made summer feel a fair bit longer... and this year, summer was very much a blur for me. In and out like the wind.

I guess besides that, I haven’t really had that much trouble with being locked down. I had years of training for that, after all. Doesn’t feel like I can complain. 😛

(Pictured: trip to Chicago in January of 2019... right when the polar vortex hit!)

Work was good in 2019, and sparser in 2020. Working with Valve again after the 2018 True Sight was a very exciting opportunity. At the time, in February of 2019, I was out with my partner on little holiday trips around my region, and, after night fell, on the way back, we decided to stop in a wide open field, on a tiny countryside path, away from the cities, to try and do some star-gazing, without light pollution getting in the way.

And it’s there and then that I received their message, while looking at the stars with my SO! The timing and location turned that into a very vivid memory...

I then got to spend a couple weeks in their offices in late April / early May. I was able to bring my partner along with me to Washington State, and we did some sightseeing on the weekends.

(Pictured: part of a weekend trip in Washington. This was a dried up lakebed.)

After that, I worked on the Void Spirit trailer in the lead to The International. In August, those couple weeks in Shanghai were intense. Having peeked behind the curtain and seen everything that goes into production really does give me a much deeper appreciation for all the work that goes unseen. 

Then after that, in late 2019, there was my work on the yearly True Sight documentary, for the second time. In 2018, I’d been tasked with making just two animated sequences, and I was very nervous since that was my first time working directly with Valve; my work then was fairly “sober”, for lack of a better term.

(Pictured: view from my hotel room in Shanghai.)

For the 2019 edition, I had double the amount of sequences on my plate, and they were very trusting of me, which was very reassuring. I got to be more technically ambitious, I let my style shine through (you know... if it’s got all these gratuitous light beams, etc.), and it was real fun to work on.

At the premiere in Berlin, I was sitting in the middle of the room (in fact, you could spot me in the pre-show broadcast behind SirActionSlacks; unfortunately I had forgotten to bring textures for my shirt). Being in that spot when my shots started playing, and hearing people laughing and cheering at them... that’s an unforgettable memory. The last time I had experienced something like that was having my first Dota short film played at KeyArena in 2015, the laughter of the crowd echoing all around me... I was shaking in my seat. Just remembering it gets my heart pumping, man. It’s a really unique feeling.

So I’m pretty happy with how that work came out. I came out of it having learned quite a few new tricks too, born out of necessity from my technical ambitions. Stuff I intend to put to use again. I’m really glad that the team I worked with at Valve was so kind and great to work with. After the premiere, I received a few more compliments from them... and I did reply, “careful! You might give me enough confidence to apply!”, to which one of them replied, “you totally should, man.” But I still haven’t because I’m a massive idiot, haha. Well, I still haven’t because I don’t think I’m well-rounded enough yet. And also because, like I alluded to before, I think I’m in a pretty good situation as it is.

It’s not the first encouragements I had received from them, too; there had been a couple people from the Dota team who, at the end of my two week stay in the offices, while I was on my way out, told me I should try applying. But again, I didn’t apply because I’m a massive idiot.

(Pictured: view from the Valve offices.)

To be 200% frank, even though there’s been quite a few people who’ve followed my work throughout the years, comments on Reddit and YouTube, etc. who’ve all said things along the lines of “why aren’t you working for them ?”, well... it’s not something I ever really pursued. I know it’s a lot of people’s dream job, but I never saw it that way. I feel like, if it ever happened to me... sure, that could be cool! But I don’t know if it’s something I really want, or even that I should want?

And if you add “being unsure” to what I consider to be a lack of experience in certain things, well... I really don’t think I’d be a good candidate (yet?), and having seen how busy these people are on the inside, the last thing I want to do is waste their time with a bad application. That would be the most basic form of courtesy I can show to them.

Besides, Covid-19 makes applying to just about any job very hard, if not outright impossible right now. And for a while longer, I suspect.

(Pictured: the Tuilière & Sanadoire rocks.)

I’m still unhappy about the amount of “actual animation” I get to do overall since I like to work on just about every step of the process in my videos, but well. It’s getting better. One thing I am happy with though, is “solving problems”. And new challenges. Seeking the answers to them, and making myself be able to see those problems, alongside entire projects, from a more “holistic” way, that is to say, not missing the forest for the trees.

It’s hard to explain, and even just the use of the term “holistic” sounds like some kind of pompous cop-out... but looking back on how I handled projects 5 years ago vs. now, I see the differences in how I think about problems a lot. And to some extent I do have my time on Valve contracts to thank a LOT in helping me progress there.

Anyway, I’m currently working on a project that I’m very interested & creativefuly fulfilled by. But it has nothing to do with animation nor Dota, for a change! There are definitely at least two other Dota short films I want to make, though. We’ll see how that goes.

Happy new year & take care y’all.

[rigelmejo]

December Goals Update

Time to round up the stuff I got done! This one is a big update, despite both accomplishments and this january’s goals being quite straightforward this time. ^-^)/

I already know - I ended up focusing on one very specific goal, and made significant progress JUST in that. And... if I do what I am PLANNING for January... then hopefully I’ll make more progress. But lol, we’ll see. We know how much I suck at sticking to my plans >o>

Things accomplished:

Chinese novel chapters read in December: 20 (Tian Ya Ke - 19, aka read about 24% of the novel this past month! This was the big goal I ended up focusing on - I want to finish reading through my first full novel this year! I did a majority of those chapters in the last 2 weeks, so if I get motivated again, I might really reach this goal. We’ll see. I REALLY do want to break the milestone of getting through one complete novel soon, and it being a priest one would be icing on the cake. Reading method - intensively, using Pleco Reader, looking up all unknown words. I picked up a significant amount of words so far, but it’s still a big challenge lol).

Chapters I studied with Listening-Reading Method: 8 (Most of these were Tian Ya Ke, and dmbj 2. I ended up getting really into reading though, and skipping this step later on as it slowed down my reading time. This January, I would like to do l-r method MORE, because I’ve finally got Guardian all prepped to do that novel with it. I’d love to do l-r method all the way through the novel guardian... I hope I manage it... avenuex did a beautiful audiobook for it, and I’d love to work through it. The only demotivating factor? l-r method takes a big time dedication - 5-10 minutes to read a chapter in english, 20 minutes to listen to the chapter while looking at the english text, 20 minutes to listen to the chapter while looking at the chinese text... so around 50 minutes to do a single chapter. And guardian has 106+ chapters ToT. That said, imagine how improved my listening skills would be after roughly 88* hours of listening to chinese I can mostly comprehend? Considering just a handful hours of l-r method has already bumped my listening skills up noticeably to me. In addition to Guardian, I would very much like to do l-r method with Silent Reading as an excuse to re-read the novel and listen to the audiobook - which is around 66 free chapters available at least. I figure l-r method with priest novels, in combo with reading priest novels like Tian Ya Ke, will help with picking up vocabulary in reading and listening a bit. Plus, I plan to do l-r method in the order: listen to english, then listen to chinese, which tends to help me pick up more reading comprehension better than the reverse order.)

Chinese audio listened to: 14 (a surprisingly large number? I don’t remember doing this much lol? I think some of this is me listening to dmbj audios, and some was other chinese things, and a tiny bit was restarting the spoonful chinese audio. Again, I think listening more has been helping out a lot)

shows watched in only chinese: roughly 2 (I watched a bit of a few eps of border town prodigal, some tlt3 raws, some short vids, half of anti fraud league ep 1, half of some spy show, basically i was not in a focused mood lol)

Personal goals met:

finally got my stomach to stop hurting! i guess it wanted less carbs. also debloated 10 lbs so i guess its happier lol. still not sure what else it wants from me.

started writing a personal story, period piece with pirates and bisexual messes and i’m quite excited tbh. So now this story, and Nanase, are active original wips

handled doctor stuff wooh! 

read more of my cpstd book and made more comprehensive plans on what to do when i get emotional flashbacks - and i think the prep work has been really helpful so far, i’m hopeful my lowered stress now is a part of that lol

formatted 2 books! WOOH! in process of formatting 2 more, and learning how the fuck to do a parallel text - anyone know how??? I’m having a nightmare, I’d love to do left page english right page chinese, but all I’m finding are how to use columns to do dual texts beside each other on the same page. Which is much more cramped to read... but I suppose I can live with it if it’s the only option I have.

Goals for January will be pretty straightforward to be honest. I am in a very reading-focused mood. (I mean we’ll see how long that lasts, ToT since my attention jumps randomly, but I’ve got everything Prepped to lean heavy into reading for my studying for the foreseeable future). I plan to focus on reading as my main study method, to cover listening and reading and picking up vocabulary/hanzi. Optionally, I might listen to chinese audio in the background to further help with listening/vocabulary (like Chinese Spoonfed Audio, or audiobooks), or I might watch a show in chinese (whether I do this completely depends on if I feel like it). 

Later on in the year, if reading is getting easier - then long term, I think I’ll want to go back to Alan Hoenig’s Chinese Characters book and read through it for a solid foundation to fill in gaps, read my chinese grammar books for same reason, use my pronunciation app... and then dive into both language exchange apps and tutors more firmly for actual writing and speaking and interacting with others. Basically, long term, I’d like to work on filling in my gaps and correcting any mistakes I haven’t figured out, then work on production more which will be significantly weaker skills by then. But in the immediate, I want to just focus on what I enjoy - reading - and use it to pick up as many words as possible. 

Goals for January:

Continue reading Tian Ya Ke. Work on reading through my first complete novel in chinese. Continue counting chapters read, as I might look at a few novels - but sincerely, I WANT to focus on one book so Tian Ya Ke is the GOAL. I will be quite happy if I can get the book to 50% read by the end of this month, but we’ll see... and quite honestly I’ll be floored if I get to 100% within the month - but if it gets easier as I pick up more words, anything’s possible. Ideally, I would like to l-r method a few chapters. I do think it speeds up my reading speed because it makes me keep up with the narration, and it also helps me cement new words into my memory better. I remember words better when I hear them. However like - chapters tend to take me 40 minutes to read, and l-r method takes usually 15-20 minutes because of how dense priest’s chapters are. So... l-r method chapters take 1 hour a piece... if I get into a reading mood, I’ll ultimately probably just primarily focus on the reading.

Secondary goal, not as important, I will start this if desired but it might wait until February+. Listen-Read Method Guardian, until I’ve gotten through the entire novel. I finally have all the translations gathered up, I’ve got my chinese copy of the novel, and avenuex’s audiobook. I have everything ready to simply start. However, as mentioned, this is a time heavy activity. I do think it will be very helpful for improving my listening skills, and to a degree also - helping retain my reading skills, push my reading speed up a little, and maybe help me pick up some new words. I think it will be a very compatible activity with goal 1, or a nice follow up activity to goal 1. Also it is the DREAM, as that novel is what pushed me to start learning chinese initially... so I am very excited to read through it. Ideally, I start this activity AFTER Tian Ya Ke, and I do a full readthrough of the chapters like: read in english, audio with english, audio with chinese, read intensively in chinese. Basically, I would love to include a full intensive read through of Zhen Hun at the same time I’m l-r method’ing it. However that will be Even more time sapping, so that’s not necessarily gonna happen unless my reading speed for priest novels is a little better after Tian Ya Ke. I need to get through the chapters read in chinese in closer to 20 minutes instead of the current 40 minutes it takes me. 

Optional. Listen to chinese when I can - in the background like Chinese Spoonfed, audio books, audio dramas, and by watching shows in only chinese. If I have time, and I feel like doing these, I will. It’s easy to add doing this to my day, so when I remember to do them, they’re helpful. 

Main Goal for January - continue reading Tian Ya Ke. <3

Once that’s completed, next main goal - Listen-Read Method with Guardian. 

See? Really extremely straightforward goal for January. Simply keep reading! I think the more I read, the easier it will get, the faster it will get, and the quicker I’ll be able to get through a LOT of the novels I want to check out. So... I have to start doing it, if I intend to get better.

Unrelated notes:

I’ve gotten really into Drakengard 3 lately. Which by extension, means really into Nier Automata again, Nier (Nier Replicant remaster is releasing and I am getting the version with the scriptbooks and am intensely excited), and Drakengard. Yoko Taro’s wild concepts and fascinating characterizations and way of telling stories has sucked me in again. And I am reminded how very much eventually learning to read Japanese IS still a long term goal of mine. I’m back to playing like 3 games right now I could so easily be practicing my japanese with... if I remembered any japanese ToT. It’s like at the edges of my brain... I remember the hiragana and katakana after a minute or two... the kanji I’ve completely forgotten, but since I know a lot of the meanings from chinese now, I can often parse out the meaning of sentences in manga I’ve got... I can’t remember the particles off the top of my head or when I listen, but when I read their meaning clicks again fast... I know that when I go back, its just a matter of a crash course and then diving in again. And wow am I eager. But I know myself, and japanese is gonna take a WHILE. And chinese is currently taking a LOT of dedication, I don’t even really have time to work on my french reading lol. So I would really prefer to get at least another year in chinese before even trying to start studying japanese again. (And realistically 2-3 more years of chinese, because I genuinely think a solid basis in speaking skills/basic listening skills, and generally Competent webnovel reading skills I want before I stop actively studying chinese... because by that time I’ll want to keep reading/listening to chinese for pleasure, chatting when needed, and if I stop studying before that point I know I personally will just end up needing to relearn some big chunks. I also think if I try to go back to japanese before that point, I will have major issues confusing the two when reading. My japanese was upper-beginner when I quit, and when I started chinese I sped past that point in chinese to the point pretty quickly chinese blocked out what japanese i knew and it made japanese reading easier but only to a point. My chinese I’d put at ‘beginner’ still?? But compared to my japanese its significantly farther - in chinese I can currently read manhua without a dictionary and get enough to translate most of it myself, and read simpler novels and get most of it, and read more complex novels and get the gist main idea even if its a slog. 

With japanese? Ahahahahahah! I was able to read the very simplest of manga and only get the very bare main idea gist, could NOT even comprehend any novel, and could play a video game on MEMORY of what i knew the context was, only picking out quite basic words. However, even though my chinese has gotten a fair bit further... I want it even further before I stop actively studying it so much. I want it to the point its where my french reading level was at about 2.5 years into french (or honestly, a bit Better than my french was tbh). I want my chinese to be to the point, where I recognize enough hanzi that I can guess the meaning of some new words, that I can look up most new words with with pinyin because i at Least know the pinyin for most hanzi i see, and where in most not-too-difficult webnovels i read, I know enough of the words, that i can comfortably follow the gist of the main plot without too much strain even if i miss details. so at that point, I’ll still likely want to build up my vocabulary more - so that i can learn to translate, and so that i can pick up details easier, and read faster. But I’ll at least be at a point where i can easily maintain the skills i have and improve them a bit naturally by just continuing to read. I mean... realistically even, I should try to keep studying chinese a lot at that point... I really, really want to be able to read chinese novels. But that’s probably the minimum at which I’d feel quite comfortable focusing on another language intensively.

With japanese, I already have a study plan too! A study plan I know works for me! It’ll be so simple! Parts 1-4 would be structured study, parts marked + would be options to move onto, and parts marked * would be activities that could be done concurrently. 

The japanese study plan, whatever year I finally can get to it:

Listen to Japanese Audio Lessons (japaneseaudiolessons.com). I did this before, and it helped my listening comprehension/vocabulary pick up so much.

Read Learn to Read in Japanese Vol I, II, III (by the same people). I loved these books back when I started them, the best mnemonics that I’d found for myself to pick up the kanji - easiest way for me to pick them up without brute forcing it.

(concurrently with above) go through Nukemarines LLJ memrise decks. Literally, just CRAM through those. I did that at the 2+ year mark for japanese, and that was REALLY when I was finally able to start reading and trying video games, so it clearly was what worked for me.

Read my book Read Japanese. Haven’t tried this yet, but it looks like a good place to progress, This would be done after step 1+2, either concurrently with Nukemarine or after Nukemarine depending on how much is done. Just cram Through this book since it’s got a lot of basics in the beginning. Its in the same structure as my DeFrancis Chinese Readers and very well suited to my learning style.

Read my Tuttle Read Japanese book. More difficult, goes into like 2000 kanji, a ton of vocab, and most people who read this said afterward reading regular japanese material was quite doable.

+If my Nukemarine deck is completed - move onto one of my japanese decks with more words, or Clozemaster Japanese sentences.

+If my japanese audio lessons are completed - move onto one of my other japanese audio collections like the japanese pimsleur that was condensed, or that website with a ton of condensed audio of episodes (https://www.paliss.com/). Or youtube channels like Game Gengo (https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLT12i1gB38HG1olutL08nID8gaGWHZS4v). 

+at the point Nukemarine’s deck is done, Listening-Reading method with japanese novels is an option. 

+at the point I’m done with all Read Japanese books, may read through some other japanese textbooks I have, starting with: Japanese Particles and Common Sentence Structures, Kodansha Kanji Learner’s Guide. 

*Find a japanese reader equivalent to Pleco (check subreddit r/learnjapanese, r/refold, r/massimmersionapproach). Start reading whatever japanese novels I want. Which knowing me, will probably be light novels, maybe some visual novels, and video game related materials. *Ideally this step would be done last, but knowing me, it’ll be done whenever i feel like starting - could be attempted as early as midway through the Nukemarine decks.

*Listen to japanese - so many options here, realistically it would be me playing video games in japanese, watching jdramas, watching/listening to spinoff material of stories I like like the YorHa stage plays etc. Can be attempted as early as midway through Nukemarine decks.

*reading manga could be anywhere in this list, although I don’t do it much anymore. But I was just getting to being able to try this last time I was studying japanese, so I could start up again whenever. Only negative, I would say, is I think my improvement suffered back then because I was too scared to try reading actual novels. So novels are prioritized as reading material. It would be nice to help translate some mangas though - so there’s an option.

*maybe try translating some japanese things i have interest in, at a late point.

I think maybe, the biggest thing studying chinese has taught me about how i learn languages, is that I improve faster when challenged. I learn better when challenged. I tried to read Chinese novels from the first few months (not well, but i tried lol), I watched chinese dramas from day one, and I tried to watch chinese shows only in chinese from month 5 onward. From month 5 onward I started trying to talk/write with people (knowing maybe 400 words at first, quickly bumping up to 1000 words in a month cause of just needing it, so it definitely helped me). And when I started listening to audio more, my listening skill noticeably improved within a few months. As a result, my chinese in a little over a year is taking much less time to improve then I projected it was going to (I figured the progress I’ve made so far, was going to take 3-4 years). Whereas with japanese, I didn’t try to start reading or playing video games or listening a lot until 2 years into studying... and I also didn’t make any noticeable improvement until then. So going into any language study moving forward, I’ll do more to challenge myself earlier. Since clearly its helpful to me.

[thehikingviking]

Tunnabora Peak (13,563 ft) via Cleaver Col & Mt Carillon (13,553 ft) via Russell-Carillon Col

After some light autumn storms, we had an unseasonably warm stretch of weather across late November. The daily satellite views showed very little lingering snow in the southern portion of the High Sierra, which gave me an opportunity to complete my goal of climbing 20 SPS peaks in the 2020 calendar year. I was two peaks short of this goal, so I hoped to find a twofer. After some research I learned that Tunnabora Peak and Mt Carillon can be climbed together in a manageable 20 mile day. Asaka gave me her blessing, knowing that I had been keenly focused on this goal for several months, so I drove down to Lone Pine by myself where I spent the night at Trails Motel. The next morning, I drove up Whitney Portal Road feeling lonely and wondering what I had gotten myself into. I parked right in front of the Mt Whitney Trail sign around 5am and began my hike up the main trail shortly after. I felt a sense of calm seeing the line of headlamps up the canyon ahead of me. I wasn’t the only psychopath on the mountain that frigid morning. I took a right up the North Fork of Lone Pine Creek, which was much steeper than the Whitney Trail. It had been a few years since I had been up this route, but my memory served me well and I had no route finding challenges, even in the dark.  The town of Lone Pine twinkled in the predawn light.

As it got brighter, I could spot people ahead of me and behind me. I would see multiple parties throughout the day, but I never crossed path with anyone else. After about an hour and a half of climbing, I reached Lower Boy Scout Lake. The morning alpenglow was just touching the tip of Mt Whitney.

From here I split off form the Mt Whitney Mountaineer’s Route and climbed north out of the canyon towards Cleaver Col. There is a use trail which I didn’t find at the start, but it didn’t matter because the terrain was very easy.

At around 10,800 ft, the route becomes more gradual and follows a creek. I considered filling up water here, but I decided to wait until a little higher up.

When I was finally ready to top off my water, I couldn’t find any that was accessible. Most of it was underground, and I didn’t feel like climbing back down. I thought there would be a tarn beneath the cleaver, but I struck out. I didn’t expect to find any accessible water until my way back down, since I fully expected Lake Tulainyo to be frozen over. Spoiler alert; I was right.

I would have enough water if I rationed what I had a little. I aimed for the weakness in the granite walls which led to Cleaver Col.

I found my pace severely slowing at this point. The elevation combined with general fatigue was making itself known.

I cut back left, finding some class 3 options that took me higher to easier terrain.

Gambler's Special stood behind me. The Inyo Mountains stood further back across Owens Valley. Mt Inyo and Keynot Peak were easily identified.

I made it to the top of Cleaver Col 4.5 hours after starting off. My pace was acceptable, however I hoped to have been faster. Tunnabora Peak stood across the frozen Lake Tulainyo.

To my immediate right was The Cleaver. When climbing over Cleaver Col, you don’t climb over the lowest point, but slightly to the southwest of the saddle.

I descended directly down to the shore of Lake Tulainyo. Mt Russell stood to my southwest.

-Table Mountain

I considered walking across the top of the ice, but I felt it was safer to just walk around.

Sections of the shoreline walk were tedious. There was steep sidehilling and loose rock in certain sections. As I walked along, I tried throwing several large rocks onto the ice to see if I could break through to get some water, but it was thick and solid. There was no chance that I could break through.

Once at the northern shore of the lake, I began climbing back up towards the ridge. I encountered some terrible loose sand. It was extremely difficult to get any reliable footing, and I quickly regretted my route. I had ignored my preloaded track which accessed the ridge further east. After a miserable slog, I made it to the top of the ridge. While I still had several hundred feet to climb, I at least could avoid the sand for the rest of the way.

I began to really feel the effects of being over 13,000 ft. I wasn’t acclimatized like I was in the summer, so I focused on deep breaths and finding a methodical hiking pace. I felt very dizzy at times and I was slow, but it was the best I could manage.

After a false summit, the true summit came into view.

I made it to the summit just after 11am, 6 hours after starting off. 

To the north were Mt Barnard, Mt Tyndall, Trojan Peak and Mt Williamson.

To the northeast were White Mountain Peak and Waucoba Mountain.

To the east were Mt Inyo, Keynot Peak and New York Butte.

To the southeast were Telescope Peak, Lone Pine Peak and Mt Langley.

To the south were Mt McAdie, Mt Whitney and Mt Russell.

To the west were Mt Kaweah, Red Kaweah, Black Kaweah, Kern Point, Milestone Mountain, Midway Mountain, Table Mountain and Thunder Mountain.

That was 19 SPS peaks for the year. I was on the cusp of achieving my goal of 20. I descended the southern slopes, hoping for easy passage along the western shore of Lake Tulainyo towards the Russell-Carillon Col.

-Kaweah Peaks Ridge

I passed by what were most likely bighorn sheep tracks.

-The Cleaver and Mt Carillon

-Mt Russell

The traverse over to the base of the col was fairly easy, with some minor ups and downs over talus fields at the end. There was still no accessible water anywhere, but by this time I felt I would make it to the end without any serious trouble.

And so began the final push. In the week leading up to the hike I had worried about snow and ice on this north facing slope making my climb more difficult, but there were no extra challenges to be had.

-Tunnabora Peak

I heard some voices and spotted a couple climbers making their way along Mt Russell’s East Ridge.

The final bit of class 3 to reach the col was very straightforward.

I took a break here, drained, but knowing there was only about 200 feet of climbing remaining.

I picked a route just to the right of the top of the ridge. I again started to feel the effects of altitude, and I resumed my pressure breathing.

-Mt Whitney

There was a short scramble to reach the high point. For some reason I had expected a walk up. I reached the summit at 12:40pm, about 1.5 hours after leaving the summit of Tunnabora Peak. Down below me to the east was Gambler’s Special. Beyond that were the Inyo Mountains.

To the northeast was The Cleaver.

To the north were Lake Tulainyo and Tunnabora Peak.

To the northwest was the Great Western Divide.

To the west was Mt Russell.

To the southwest were Mt Muir and Mt Whitney.

To the south were Lone Pine Peak and Mt Irvine.

I tried to sign the summit register but it was wet and a complete mess. Rather than sign the register to prove my ascent, I decided instead to snap a photo of the register.

-Lake Tulainyo

I could just make out people still making their way up along the East Ridge Route. I was already done with my second peak of the day, but they still hadn’t reached their first.

Once back at the saddle, I crossed gradual sandy slopes down the standard route of Mt Russell. It had been many years since I last did Mt Russell, so I didn’t have a clear memory of what exactly to expect. There were a lot of footprints in the sand and multiple cairns. Then came the big drop down to Upper Boy Scout Lake.

This was a long loose descent. My memory was slowly coming back to me, and I had a lot of “oh yeah” moments.

I laid down in the soft sand near Upper Boy Scout Lake, taking a well deserved break. I looked at Lone Pine Peak above, which I had considered as a possible bonus peak, but I had had enough.

I felt the most dangerous part of the day was crossing the iced over North Fork of Lone Pine Creek. I put on my MICROspikes for the crossing, but I still felt vulnerable on these slippery sections. A fall here would spell disaster.

I lost the use trail for a short time and thrashed around in some brush. Lower Boy Scout Lake was visible down below.

Once at the outlet of the lake, I spotted the use trail leading towards Cleaver Col, officially closing my loop.

The rest of the hike down was steeper than I recalled. There was a lot of pressure exerted on my feet and knees. I took it slowly.

-Ebersbacher Ledges

I felt a big sense of relief once I made it to the Whitney Trail. I enjoyed the gradual trail the rest of the way.

I started to develop a big headache from my lack of water, but this would go away after rehydrating in the car over the next several hours.

It felt really good to complete my goal of 20 SPS peaks in the 2020 calendar year, especially with all the challenges this year had put in front of me. Maybe next year I will go for 21 peaks.

[ivett-toth]

New interview by hunskate with our beloved Ivett, in where she talks about her new training enviroment, new programs and other personal stuff. Translation by @fanpower98​, please don’t repost!

Ivett Tóth successfully passed her final exams so now she can concentrate on training with full power. Our olympic figure skater can start the new season with a new SEAT and supported by MOL*, after two weeks resting she started training again. We looked back to last season with her and we talked about her new programs, plans and goals.

[*N/T: MOL is a famous hungarian oil and gas company]

Congratulations on your graduation! There was a fully scheduled year behind you. How did you get by?

Thank you, I’m happy I could finally check this off. In the olympic season, when I trained in Switzerland, the school took a backseat, I couldn’t travel back home for the exams so I had to do grade 12 again. It was hard but it affected me on a positive way, where something also got my attention beside skating and didn’t overthink while training. In the last weeks I spent less time on the ice because of the exams, I usually had one practise a day. I could get to work again after the written [exams] then Vasas had an outage where, without ice, meant us a two weeks break. In the meantime I got beyond the oral [exams] so now the intensive preparation can start.

You started the last season with the Italian and the Finnish challengers. How did you evaluate your performance there?

I’m happy I started the season earlier like in the previous seasons because it made me feel calmer, I didn’t had to rush or act in haste to go through the road I planned. Thanks to a good short program, I could do my free in the best group at Lombardia Trophy and I got 7th place overall, so I got ranking points with that. At Finlandia Trophy I did a lot of stupid mistakes so I slipped really down, in the end I didn’t need that much to reach the settled goal. I learned from both competitions.

Then you had two competitions at home: you had the lead at the Halloween Cup after the short program, but you got bronze at the end, at Christmas Cup you were able to keep the first place and you won with high scores. Is the pressure bigger if you have to compete at home?

I always have some nervousness in me but it rather gives me safety when I can compete at home. Moreover they organized the Halloween Cup in Vasas where I practice day by day and since I live close to the rink I just walked to the competition. This is why it was special to me, because it was the first time I competed there. However I already got a lot of experience in the Gyakorló Jégcsarnok (Practice Rink), Christmas Cup went better because it was more than one month later and I could get in shape until then. Actually we should keep out where we compete but of course we know that at home there are more familiar faces, there are more hungarian fans in the spectators’ area which affects me in a positive way on stressful situations.

Yet before Christmas Cup you could be glad for a foreign win: you got a gold medal in November in Riga at Volvo Open Cup. How do you recall that competition?

I did my short program for the first time in the season where, when I got off the ice, I was satisfied with my performance. The free wasn’t perfect, though. But I accomplished it better than in the previous competitions. There was this feeling where for the first time I felt I was able to show for what we worked so hard that I started to find myself. It was a little milestone for me from which we could build.

However at Four National Competitions, which is also the Nationals, you didn’t do well. How did you prepare after that to the European Championships?

I’m a very nervous type of person, I have to consciously pay attention to relax even if the training went very well. Although the competition was here in [Buda]Pest and I felt the fans’ support, I couldn’t relax for some reason. I didn’t perform well but at least my performance was enough to not to have to participate in another sorting competition so I could concentrate on the training with my nerves. I knew if I keep calm and only follow my coaches advices, we can reach our goal.

This goal was to be in the top ten but at the end you managed to get the 13th place from last year. You had some trouble with the double Axel in both programs but you got an ISU season’s personal best for the free skate. You could perform before a big crowd, how did you live it through?

I was very surprised that so much people came, I didn’t think figure skating or any other ice sport is that famous in Belarus. The audience encouraged all competitors, clapped through the programs, it had the feeling like the stands were full with asian fans. I still haven’t found whys for that two double Axels, maybe some short circuit [I can’t remember the word we use in english fs fandom]. True, I haven’t got into the top ten but I feel like I managed to get better at both programs compared to last year and I think back with with good feelings to Minsk EC. Particularly to the free, I slapped into the air at the end, I felt like I did my best this time. When I looked into my coaches’ eyes, that said everything, I knew they are proud of me. Through that one year together Zsófi and Zoli [Zsófia Tokaji-Kulcsár, Zoltán Tóth] became extremely important persons in my life, there isn’t bigger pleasure than the fact I could bring them joy. These are the unforgettable memories what drives us forward in gray weekdays and in trainings and I hope we can live through more moments like this together.

After your fifth European Championships came your fifth World Championship where unfortunately you couldn’t perform your free skate. What was in you when you got off the ice and got your scores?

Between EC and Worlds I would’ve had an another competition but I got sick and I rested so much that my muscles got down so I had to concentrate on getting back to my condition instead of competing. I did succeed on it quite well but I felt the lack of the competitions’ atmosphere at Worlds. I would have liked to finish the season with a good performance but the missed jump and the stumble on the step sequence cost a lot. That hurt more that getting in the free depended on these .3 tenths but you also have to know how to handle this. With a harder heart we tried to take the opportunity that we were in Japan: we went to sightseeing in Tokyo, watched almost all the competitions and I could learn a lot from the others’ performances. We enjoyed the banquet very much and then when we came home I had to start to prepare to my final exams so I couldn’t stay dwelling on for long what happened there.

If you had to describe your season with some words, what would you say?

Maybe that that I did everything full of love and now somehow every training and every competition went easier than last year. Because I started to work with new coaches it was also a very good experience. A lot of times I couldn’t bring it out of myself during competitions what I did at practices but they always stood by me and helped me.

In May the selected ones could work with Alexandr Abt, who you could met at the competition in Riga. What gave you these four days?

He had great results as a figure skater and I already knew him by sight because I have competed many times with one of his Swiss student. Although it’s not possible to do miracles in four days he did a very good job with us, we learned a lot from him and we could get to know a fantastic person by him. We paid attention to steps, spins and also jumps, we mostly did exercises to move us out from the comfort zone and try other steps into the elements. We benefit from this a lot at practices and it’s sure I’ll build some little things into my programs from those what he showed us.

Since you already mentioned your programs: would you reveal what music did you chose for next season, what style will you come out with [this time]?

It’s important to me to stay interesting so I’m showing a new side of me again in my short program: I’ll skate to swing. It has a plenty of challenges in it but I enjoy it very much. It’s choreographed by Nóra Hoffmann and my coaches, in regards of the costume and make up still no decisions were made [T/N: the interview was in July so it’s probably done by now]. Because we performed the short many times I definitely wanted to change it so neither the judges and neither the fans would get bored. However I kept the free because I loved it and I feel I can make a lot more out of it. I haven’t had the opportunity to work with Benoit this time but we are in contact and I hope next year we can continue our work together.

What are your main goals for next season? In what would you want to evolve the most?

My main goal is to have a more balanced season, to get in shape earlier and to increase the number of my triple jumps. In the short program I would like to make my triple-triple more difficult, we will see which one is the best during practices. To the free I would like to put back the Flip, what was in it at some competitions in autumn but then we took it out. Besides this we are also working on them [the programs] performance-wise a lot and since my short was choreographed here at home and I have performed the free for a year I can practice them better.

Although you got two weeks resting, for you half of it was about studying. Do you still have the opportunity to go on a holiday to really get relaxed?

We always go somewhere with family but it won’t come together this year. I’ll have some free weekends but frankly, now I don’t feel like I need some rest. I couldn’t do intense training because of exams and I really missed the [physical] stress, I couldn’t wait to continue the practices. I really enjoy the work, I can absolutely give myself to the music we’ve found for the short and I also want to level up my free program. Based on all of what we went through last season with my coaches, I dare to say that there is “kraft”* in our collaboration and we still can show a lot of things to the audience.

I feel that I found my place.

*[T/N: “kraft” means “strength/force and Ivett used this word and I wanted to keep it. We use a lot of hungarized german words.]