#And having chastised myself for so long for not caring and for doing things wrong to try and convince a sense of guilt to myself

[manicali]

Occasionally I wonder if people are right about me. That I’m not particularly that bad.

Nope, still right!

[jadeylovesmarvelxo]

Eddie is desperate to speak to you about what you saw in the woods but with Harrington guarding you at every turn how was that possible?

Jealous Eddie, 18+, misunderstandings, protective Steve. Robin is done with all this shit.

Part one here

💌♥️

You spend your time at Family Video trying to distract yourself from ever thinking you and Eddie could be something in the first place. It's hard though because at unexpected times the kiss will creep back into your mind and you were swept back into your deep feelings for Eddie once again.

It wasn't like there was an on or off switch to turn off how you felt. If only it was that easy.

Steve has been amazing, he's comforted you since you went into Family Video, tear filled eyes and lip trembling as you explained to him and Robin what happened.

The thing about Steve is since he's changed dramatically in the last few years, grown into a better man thanks to a knock on the head from various people (Nancy, Robin, You, Dustin and all the other little shits) he's also become more protective of everyone he cares about.

So seeing you teary eyed and that little pout on your face has sent all of his protective instincts going haywire, he can never resist a pout and puppy eyes-something the kids have picked up on and used to their advantage.

He's determined to do anything to protect you from Eddie hurting you even more, and it's not like he disliked the guy, Munson was cool. Hurt his friends though and any good will he had disappeared fast.

It doesn't help his irritation when Eddie is constantly everywhere he looks, he's driving you and Robin to school and Munson is watching with a pained expression.

Serves you right dickhead. He thinks to himself and wraps his around you, comfortingly when you freeze as you see Eddie.

The anguished expression on Eddie's face darkens into something else and he zeroes in on Steve's hand that is gently rubbing your shoulder.

Steve doesn't think it's the last he's seen of Munson, if his expression is any indication then he expects Eddie won't keep his feelings quiet for very long.

...

It takes less than a day for Eddie to show up at the store. You're working with Steve and watching IT to pass the long work day away.

"You know this feels so familiar" Steve smirks at you and you can't help but laugh, kids banding together to fight an ancient evil, it rings a few bells.

Eddie looks between you and Harrington, jealousy bubbles in his stomach and he grips the video he's holding tightly. Inside jokes, the two of you had inside jokes.

He swears under his breath, curses himself that he fucked up so badly. Wishes he could explain to you and tell you that Chrissy didn't mean anything, she was nervous getting weed for the first time and he just wanted to make her feel comfortable.

The only person he wanted was you but you had gotten things totally wrong. The jealousy twists in his gut again when Steve gently nudges your side as the two of you laugh over something.

He's itching to go up and talk to you but how could he when Harrington was like a guard dog.

Robin sidles up to him, returning tapes, she narrows her eyes at Eddie as he looks at her pleadingly all puppy eyed and pouty.

"Don't you do that look Munson, I'm as pissed at you as Steve is and I swear if you're hanging around to just break a certain someone's heart again then I'm borrowing Steve's bat and...' Eddie manages to intervene before she passes out from lack of oxygen.

"No, shit, that's not why I'm here Buckley. I came to apologise, beg for forgiveness. I am not interested in Chrissy. I've been crazy about princess for months and I'm kicking myself that I've messed things up" Robin deflates and softens just a tiny bit.

"Well why haven't you apologised?" she exclaims and then she turns around to look at Steve and sighs. "Yeah, it's not ideal when Steve is in "protective mode" but suck it up Munson" Eddie swallows feeling thoroughly chastised.

Suck it up and get his princess back. He could do that.

💞

Eddie doesn't come back to Family Video after his talk with Robin. The thought sours your mood because you guess he really doesn't care that you're hurting.

Or Robin and Steve have collectively scared him off.

Maybe he really did have chemistry with Chrissy and he would rather pursue her. The least he could do is tell you so you weren't surprised one day when he walked into Family Video with her.

Robin is talking about Vickie and asking you and Steve about ideas for a movie date, you're distracted as Eddie comes in. Your heart skips a beat and his big brown eyes are full of nerves as he walks up to you.

Pissed off and despite yourself really missing Eddie you concentrate on rewinding the tapes that people had brought back. Ugh, be kind, rewind. It was right there on the video cover, there were so many tapes to do and that was annoying you as well.

♥️

It really was time for you and Eddie to talk. Steve looks reluctant as you head over but you assure him you'll be fine.

"We need to talk, I'll be okay Steve. Promise" he nods but is still glaring at Eddie, his gaze darkening even more when Eddie approaches.

"Do not fuck this up Munson or you'll have me to answer to" Eddie nods, his gaze is still on you.

Robin rolls her eyes as she looks between him and Eddie and gently pushes Steve back behind the counter. "Come on Steve, don't be a dingus and let them talk it out" Eddie throws a grateful smile Robin's way.

Once you're alone with Eddie he immediately launches into what he's been itching to say, he trips over his words a few times but he's desperate for you to understand that he's in no way interested in Chrissy, not one bit.

Eddie shakes his head. "I don't want Chrissy, I'm not interested in her, she is sweet but she's just my friend and she's not you. I was goofing around when you saw us talking because she was nervous, it was her first time getting weed and I just wanted her to relax sweetheart, the only "spark" I feel is with you"

You smile feeling the stirrings of relief build up inside you. "I've been trying to tell you all week princess but I didn't want to fuck up any more and well, Steve hasn't exactly let me anywhere near you" he looks past you to Steve and you squeeze his hand.

"He's just protective that's all" you soften as you gaze at him, can sense that he's worrying, "Eddie there's nothing between me and Steve, he's my friend that's all" Eddie nods and brightens considerably.

"As long as Harrington knows that" you roll your eyes amused as Eddie straightens and tries to look intimidating to Steve.

"Yes he does, we're friends Eddie. He's just as protective of Robin" Eddie nods and presses a kiss to your head.

"I've missed you sweetheart" you lean into him and his arms wrap around you. You've missed him like crazy, "Maybe we could try this again princess? A proper date?" You nod and press a gentle kiss to his lips leaving you both a bit dazed but smiling happily at each other that everything is going to be okay.

♥️

[lskisms]

YOU, AT LEAST, WERE BUILT TO GO, J. MILLER

. . . which is why you are able to be loved

synopsis — joel is getting older, he is getting frail, and you, still in your youth, have to come to terms with it. you just have to do so much sooner than you thought when he’s hurt during your attempt to escape the university of eastern colorado.

genres &&. warnings — angst, hurt/comfort, (post) apocalypse &&. canon compliant, spoilers for ep. 6 “kin” and ep. 7 “left behind,” contemplation of death, canon-typical violence (wound, gore, blood, wound care), age-gap (reader is in their mid-late 20s).

word count — 3.2k

note from r — title comes from the poem “elegy for my innocence” by steven dunn. i suppose i need to introduce myself a little: i’m rhi, i’m 22, and i’m in my second to last semester of college where i’m majoring in english. obvi, a big fan of the last of us, but also resident evil (which is what i’ve based my account aesthetic on, courtesy of my beloved leon s. kennedy). my ask box is open for people who want to send in asks and things. i’m really looking forward to writing for my fellow joel miller lovers.

if your parents were still alive, if they were around to see the life you’ve carved for yourself over the last few months, you’re certain your dad would want to smack the shit out of you and your mother would disown you from the family faster than you could blink.

you can hear the chastising now: a man old enough to be your father? are you joking? what the fuck is wrong with you? this is not what we meant when we told you we wanted you to start a family. 

and you can’t fault them really. you are almost twenty years his senior, having been just a young child when the cordyceps outbreak decimated the world. if the world had stayed normal, if none of this had ever happened, you’d probably have a dead end corporate job that has you wanting to drop off the face of the earth at the end of every grueling day, married and going home to a man complacent and yielding in every aspect, never too sure of himself to assert any kind of dominance, stuck in his own dead end job that keeps you comfortable just enough.

but the world isn’t normal and it hasn’t been since 2003. and there’s nothing you can do about it. you feel like a child again, wholly the depiction of the angsty teen in dramas and romcoms, as you tell the ghosts of your parents that the heart wants what it wants and i can’t help that i fell in love with a man going starlight gray at his temples. it is wholly melodramatic, something that you would have seen in any number of teen dramas written by out-of-touch, old white men.

joel miller came into your life like a lone crimson leaf during the fall, sometime during your first few months at the boston quarantine zone. it wasn’t like he’d meant to because everything that man did and does is deliberate; he’d simply waltzed across your line of vision as you’d walked back to your apartment after a long day of doing menial chores, the new world equivalent of that mental-health-issue inducing corporate job that the older people of the zone talked about.

you’d heard of him, of course: joel miller, flown in from somewhere down south, a menace to anyone who crossed his path prior to his arrival in boston, a brother somewhere out in the midwest who had taken off and joined the fireflies. he was decidedly unapproachable, gruff and mean and stubborn. most people were more scared of him than they were of fedra for the simple fact that he was more deadly with his two bare hands than any fedra idiot (sorry, “soldier”) with a gun.

he wasn’t a person who you intended to mess around with, no matter how handsome you’d thought he was when you saw him that first time. but then you’d started hanging around with tess, one of very few people who had any kind of stable-enough connection with him and that had led to you meeting and hanging around with him too. tess invited you to go on runs with them, sneaking out of the zone at night to stretch your legs and look for supplies that fedra definitely had and refused to give up. she’d preached your capabilities to joel and, stubborn as he was, he’d allowed you to keep coming with them after the first time because you proved to be spry enough for things that he and tess had grown a little too old for: you were useful to him and that filled you with a kind of thrilling gratification.

by the time marlene had tasked your little trio with getting ellie out of the city, you were a year deep into your entanglement with joel where you did all the recreational talking and he was the one who made the deals with the fireflies, the fedra goons he had in his pocket, the people who had things to trade. it was a balance that worked well for you: joel was well-versed in persuasion when he wanted to be and you were seemingly the only person who could draw out the rare ghost of a smile or a laugh from him.

it was supposed to be a quick job, one that joel had insisted you sit out but you’d refused. just a quick round trip tpe thing, that’s what you’d said to him. we’ll be out and back before anybody even realizes we’re gone. 

that had gone belly-up, of course, because anything that involved the fireflies had at least a 99% chance of not turning out the way anyone planned. and when you’d left the museum, you were down a friend and up a whole ton of miles. joel had tried to convince you again to leave, but once more you’d refused. tess died for us, joel. i’m in this until the end because i’m making sure her sacrifice wasn’t for nothing.

and he’d let you stay. even months after that discussion, you think that he must feel at least a tiny bit grateful that you’d argued with him over it, that you’d fought to tag along. you’re an extra set of eyes, of hands, someone capable of taking over when he needs a break, which is hardly ever because he’s still as ornery as always, but knowing that there’s someone there who can must be nice enough.

and you’re glad he’d given in for once in his life because he’s dying beneath your hands and you’re not sure what to do. he’s going sallow and gray on the concrete floor of this ransacked house, breathing raspy and eyes slipping between you and some far-off point above him. joel is dying and for the first time ever since entering his life, you’re useless.

“joel, stay awake, please,” you beg, clutching at his hand as you kneel beside him. “ellie, you have to stop the bleeding.”

“i’m trying,” the young girl snaps. when she looks up, all you see is a girl who is reliving a loss, a deer caught in headlights, frenzied and terrified. her hands press the cloth harder over joel’s stomach in an attempt to staunch the blood flow and the man groans.

“leave,” he mumbles and your head snaps to look at him. he cannot possibly be saying this right now, not after everything you’ve been through. “leave. head north, go back to jackson. find tommy.”

“like hell we will,” you reply, trying to channel as much of his stubbornness as you can. you’d rather give up and drop dead right now than leave him to die alone in some fucking house in colorado. “we’re gonna fix this, joel. we’re not leaving, i’m not leaving.”

he’s slipping again, eyes glazing over. you can tell he wants to fight with you, but he’s losing the energy for it. for any of it. ellie stills and then tosses his jacket over him in a bid to keep him warm. she fixes you with a look, his look that says stay with him, so you nod solemnly, brushing his hair back from his forehead. you hear her footsteps on the stairs and only when the door shuts behind her do you finally let yourself break, weeping openly over joel’s chest, rising and falling so, so shallowly.

falling in love with this man has been something beautiful, some kind of phoenix rising from the ashes of a long-dead world. over the last few months, you have come to learn the feel of his knuckles brushing against yours, the warmth of his chest against your back when you share a sleeping bag, the sound of his soft breaths as you’ve trekked through miles upon miles of woods and abandoned highways. you have come to appreciate those things, facets of him that only you are privy to, the only person to know the weight of his arm over your waist and feel of his breath against your shoulder.

but in doing so, in reveling in the knowledge that you are the sole person to experience these hidden away pieces of joel miller, you’ve forgotten just how much older he is than you are. that misty gray at his temples and in his beard have been so permanent, you’ve started to believe that he’s always looked like this, that it’s not a marker of his age. you’ve forgotten that he is older and growing frailer by the day, conveniently forgotten how his heart stutters and how his knees act up after hours and miles of walking.

you had always known, of course, that joel would eventually leave you, but not this soon. and not like this.

maybe it’s your fault for putting him on a pedestal: the great, unstoppable joel miller. in your mind, he’s untouchable, some formidable opponent who people fear because he’s strong and knows his way around a fight. it shouldn’t be a chunk of a broken baseball bat that ends his life because it’s not fair, none of this is fair. you’ve been a fool for thinking that the three of you, your unlikely little family, would make it out of this unscathed, for believing that you could live a life like bill and frank’s after this all was over: fulfilling, safe, and the closest resemblance of before.

“god,” you whimper out, still brushing your fingers through his salt and pepper hair. “how could you even consider telling us to leave you here, joel?”

he gazes up at you, blinks slowly, the smallest signs of life that tell you he’s listening and wanting to fight you back about it.

“y’can’t leave me alone here, old man.” a short, wet laugh. “we’ve got so much left to do. i can’t get ellie back to jackson without you. i can’t do anything without you.”

he shakes his head in response and narrows those dark eyes of his just a bit. you read it for what it is: don’t you start talkin’ about yourself like that. he’s always been hard on you for not believing in yourself and your abilities, and it makes you laugh again.

“i mean really, joel. first man i’ve ever loved and you’re telling me to leave you here to die alone in fucking colorado.” you shake your head, looking away to try to blink back tears. “i can’t- i can’t just go. i need you alive.”

you can’t even stop yourself from babbling through the tears, brushing his hair back and wiping away his own tears. even though you should be desensitized to death and loss, you’ve always been particularly sensitive. but you’re young and this is your first love, your only shot at it, and he’s bleeding out on a cold floor because you were too focused on everything else that you hadn’t been able to stop him from getting hurt.

“ain’t your fault,” joel rasps out, eyes shining in the dull winter light. you realize you voiced that, a placing of responsibility that you’d meant for yourself and yourself only. “don’t do that.”

you stare at him and you know what’s going through that head of his. all kinds of thoughts that he wants to voice out loud: it’s not your fault and you were doing the best you could in the situation and this was going to happen sooner or later. damn pessimistic realist, always focusing on the worst possible outcomes than entertaining any kind of optimism.

and in a twisted turn of events, you start to think of your parents, long gone and relegated solely to memory, buried somewhere between atlanta and boston: an optimistic dad and an overwhelmingly realistic mother, so far on opposite ends of a spectrum that they complemented each other perfectly. your dad, ever the poet, had stolen poetry collections from every bookstore he’d came across during your treks from settlement to settlement. his favorite poem, by far, was about the death of a person’s innocence, something always meant to die eventually, perpetually blushing and always coming back a little less pristine each time.

you remember it now as you’re holding joel’s hand with your own, pressing his knuckles against the soft plush of your cheek. you, at least, were built to go, you hear your father’s voice say in your head, which is why you are able to be loved. you haven’t thought about this poem in years, not since you lost him to a runner somewhere in south carolina, but it feels sickening that you’re recalling it now as you’re watching your first and only love die under your hands.

and yet, somehow, it feels comforting, the idea that to be human is to know that one day, a loved one will die, but to know that is to cherish them better, to love them harder. you’re not at all okay with joel dying because you’ve had so little time to love him, but it helps you to cherish those few late nights more, to revel in the memory of his warmth enveloping you on particularly cold nights.

you can let me go. joel’s dark eyes are going glossy again and you smile knowingly at him, still crying. he’s not dead yet and there’s a possibility that he’ll make it out of this alive, the outcome that you’re praying to every god that has ever existed for. you can let me go; it won’t be easy, but you can do it.

ellie’s feet as loud on the old wood stairs as she comes barreling through the door and down the stairwell. she looks rabid as she all but throws herself onto the floor beside joel, ripping the tan coat back and pulling the soaked cloth away. joel’s wound is still gushing blood, a sure sign that he’s well on his way to death, but when ellie makes eye contact with you, you know for sure she’s found something to help. she holds up a needle and spool of thread; she must have torn the entire house apart looking for her hail mary and she found it, she fucking found it. she stares at you, eyes wide and face red, breathing hard, waiting for your go ahead.

when you finally nod at her, fresh tears in your eyes, you look down at joel. his fingers curl around your palm tighter and he’s staring back, his eyes wide. you laugh tearfully, totally and entirely stunned that ellie had actually found a way to help.

“you’re gonna be okay,” you weep, pressing his hand to your forehead, letting your tears drip into your lap. “you’re gonna be okay, joel. just hang on.”

the next few minutes crawl by cruelly, joel surely leaving bruises on your hand from gripping yours too hard, too tight, but you can’t even care because when his hand finally goes slack, ellie is done. her handiwork isn’t so bad and the bleeding has stopped for the most part. when you sigh, it feels like the weight of the world leaves your shoulders, a degree of relief you’ve never felt in your life.

joel, stubborn as always, is fighting unconsciousness as you turn to look back at him and you know it’s because he knows he’s not entirely out of the woods yet. there’s still bleeding to stop, a potential infection to fight, medicine you need to find to keep him safe and healthy, but this has to be good enough for now. it has to be because he’s joel miller and he’s mucked it through gunshot wounds and temporary deafness and all kinds of other shit the world has thrown at him. 

ellie, clearly emotionally gone, stands, her dark eyes empty and her face void of everything save for exhaustion. without even looking at you, she turns towards the stairs and says to nobody, “going for a walk. i need a break.”

her footsteps echo in the stairwell and then creak overhead before she disappears out the front door, leaving you in an empty house with joel and the horse in the garage. you look back to joel, still holding his hand. his face, always so devoid of anything minus annoyance and anger, looks so relieved right now and it makes you want to cry again, but you’re shit out of saline. you lay his hand down beside him before you tuck his winter coat back over him, up to the chin.

there’s not much that you can say, no thoughts come to mind. nothing more than i love you, but you want to save those for when he’s safely out of the thick of this. as true as they are, it’s not the right time, but you’re sure he knows. he must when he scoots his hand out from under the coat and nudges it against your thigh, some gesture that you can’t decode, but that you understand as i’m still here, like he’s able to read your mind. you smile at him softly.

i’ll tell him when this is all over, you reason with yourself as you move to lay beside him, exhaustion finally overtaking you. wherever we end up after ellie is safe with the fireflies, i’ll tell him and he’ll say it back and we’ll be okay.

he can’t turn onto his side, but he turns his head to face you, looking every bit the age of fifty. his eyes are tired and the crinkles of his skin run deep, his cheeks and chin dusted gray. this close, you can see every pock mark, the dip of skin at his temple from some long-forgotten cut, the deep scar that mars the space between his eyebrows. his defenses are down and he looks his age, for the first time in a long time because it’s so easy to forget how old he is when he’s doing the things he does to protect you and ellie.

you scoot in as far as you’ll allow yourself, knees knocking against his legs and your head pillowed on the arm underneath you. you raise a hand and rest it on his cheek, a touch he immediately leans into, like your palm was made to caress his skin. as far as you care, it was. he tilts his head towards you and you find yourself doing the same, foreheads touching. this is one of the small gestures joel allows you on most days, but right now, it feels more monumental than that. like always, it’s a moment shared singularly between the two of you, but it carries so much more weight because he gazes at you with so much more softness and love than he’s ever let himself show before and it reminds you that underneath all that rough exterior, he is a man capable of gentle touches and adoration, no matter how many times the world and himself have tried to beat it out of him.

as his breathing slows, but deepens (a sure sign that ellie has mended the problem for now), you move your arm to rest on his torso, hand pressed into the sturdy spot just above his heart. the beat is steady, solid, a reminder that he’s okay. he was built to go, but now more than ever, you feel he was also built to be yours, to be loved by you. and you’ll make sure he makes it through this, no matter the cost.

(c) lskisms, 2023. do not repost, translate, or otherwise plagiarize my work. the only official versions of my work are available on tumblr and ao3 under the name lskisms.

[eventinelysplayground]

Worship of the Flesh

Kinktober Day 20: Body Worship | Daddy/Mommy Kink.

Pairing: Kennyo x Mai.

We are now 2/3 of the way through Kinktober, hopefully everyone has been enjoying themselves! I tired with this one I really did. It's quite long and I think it turned out ok but idk the length bothers me still but it was one of the first 3 I finished and ya. As a note I did look up about who exactly the specific school of Buddhism would Kennyo have worshipped to make it more accurate and that's what I found but I apologize if it is incorrect. Kennyo and Mai enjoy eachother's company for the first time in awhile. NSFW so minors do not interact. WC approx 2780.

It was late evening and the faint sound of bells carried on the cool autumn breeze, alone at his desk sat Kennyo brush in hand as he finished off another letter. He was not so deeply involved that he would miss the sound of the door sliding shut followed by soft footfalls.

“I am almost finished, give me a moment and I shall assist you with putting him down before I leave.”

“Kennyo.”

Kennyo had not looked up from his letter writing initially but his attention was drawn away when Mai called his name as she knelt down beside him. He immediately noticed their son was not with her but before he could voice the question Mai began to speak.

“Ranmaru has him.”

“Why, were you feeling unwell? You should have-”

“I'm fine Kennyo! I just-”

Mai's glowing eyes darted away from Kennyo's and she let out a long sigh before continuing.

“I just wanted some time with you…alone.”

“Mai.”

Kennyo reached out to gently caress her cheek and she leaned into his warm touch.

“We have had this discussion before, we can not Mai.”

The faint glow in Mai's eyes faded completely before she drew her head away from Kennyo's touch and looked away causing his heart to ache.

“Have I done something wrong, or to upset you.”

“That is not the problem.”

“Then do you not find me attractive anymore?”

“That is not it either, you are as beautiful as ever.”

“Then, why?"

“Will you not cease with questioning me about this matter.”

“No!”

“Why not?”

“Because I need to know what I did to make you stop loving me!”

Kennyo was left momentarily speechless, he had not foreseen Mai coming to this conclusion though in hindsight he could see how she could mistake his intentions.

“I have not stopped loving you, I am afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Yes. The last thing I wish to do is cause you harm yet I have found it growing increasingly difficult to…restrain myself.”

Kennyo had expected for Mai to now see his struggles and to be in agreement with him, he did not expect her to burst out into laughter.

“I am glad you find my struggles amusing.”

Kennyo was half angry, half pouting now as he glared at Mai.

“Oh Kennyo, I'm sorry…it's just.”

“Do not laugh so hard, what if you injured yourself!?”

Despite his chastisement Mai continued to laugh for another moment before she was able to regain her composure. She moved closer to Kennyo so their thighs pressed together.

“I'm sorry I laughed.”

“As you should be. You have gone through a great ordeal and the risk of something happening to you even now is not insignificant.”

Kennyo looked down at repentant looking Mai.

“I did not mean to make you believe that I no longer loved you. It is because I love you that I have been struggling. A part of me is aware I am being overly cautious with you but, I do not wish to hurt you Mai.”

Mai reached out, taking one of Kennyo's hands in hers and placing a kiss upon the back of it.

“I love your gentleness and your kindness but… I'm not made of glass, I won't break.”

Kennyo let out a sigh, he knew Mai was right. She had proven time and again how strong or body, heart and spirit she was yet he could not help but worry about her.

“Kennyo, I really am fine. It's been nine weeks and my body has completely healed, I'm not even sleep deprived because you took such good care of me! The only thing wrong with me now is that I miss your touch, your warmth.”

Mai laced her fingers with Kennyo's and looked up at him with pleading eyes. This was the most they had touched since before the birth and his resolve was wavering. He was about to use the last of his resolve in a final attempt to make her see reason but before he could she placed a soft kiss on his lips. That kiss broke the last of his resolve and he found himself pulling Mai to his chest before claiming her lips in a frenzied kiss.

He took advantage of Mai's moan to slip his tongue into her mouth. He chased her tongue with his own catching it and twining them together before releasing it so he could chase after it again. He ran his hands along her body and felt the way she arched towards him rubbing her body against his as she continued to moan into their kiss. Kennyo let out a low, almost animalistic growl as he pushed Mai down against the tatami. One of his hands held one of her wrists to the floor while his other hand slid down her body to untie her obi cord. As his fingers worked quickly he briefly pulled away from their kiss.

“You will tell me…if you… feel any pain or discomfort.”

Kennyos words were halting as he caught his breath. Mai was breathing heavily and so could only manage to nod her head but it was enough for him. His lips made their way back to hers, his tongue plundering her mouth as his hands made quick work of removing her kimono. As Kennyo slid the last of the fabric aside he broke their kiss and sat back intending to remove his own garments but as he looked down at Mai laying there her body bared to him amongst her dishevelled kimono his urgency was replaced with a sudden feeling of serenity. Sensing that his pace was no longer hurried and perhaps worried of the cause Mai lifted herself up to rest on her elbows. The way the fabric slowly slid down and off her shoulders as she did stoked the now slowly burning fire within him.

“Kennyo, why did you stop. I promise, I'll tell you if-”

Kennyo couldn't help but smirk at the desperate look in Maid eyes and along with how thick with need her voice was, it was too adorable and he could not hold back a chuckle.

“Kennyo?”

“You do not need to worry, I have no intention of stoping now.”

Kennyo removed the last of his garments as Mai continued to look at him, the confusion evident on her flushed face. Kennyo pulled Mai to him letting the last of her garments slip completely off.

“Normally I worship Amida, but tonight I shall worship you.”

Kennyo placed his big hands upon Mai's cheeks and looked into her big clear eyes. Those eyes that were always so steadfast and determined.

“And I shall start with your eyes. Eyes that were always full of stubborn determination. That can see the good in anyone, that saw the good still within me even when I could not see it in myself. Eyes that look upon me with such love and devotion.”

Kennyo placed a kiss to the corner of Mai's right eye then continued to kiss a path over the bridge of her nose to her left eye.

“Kennyo…”

There was a softness and lilt of laughter to Mai's voice and it made Kennyo smile.

“Next are your soft lips.”

He ran a calloused finger along Mai's bottom lip and she let out a sigh.

“Lips that always spoke kindness to me, that say my name as no other ever has. Lips that taste sweet and sing even sweeter under my touch.”

He kissed her lips. Unlike the kisses earlier this kiss was slow and tender but still carried in it his passion for her. His lips drew apart from hers and began to slowly make their way down her neck nipping lightly until he came to her shoulder.

“These shoulders that although slender… help carry immense burdens on them…burdens they should never have… had to have helped carry.”

He kissed his way slowly across her shoulder as he spoke and his hand reached for hers. He continued slowly kissing down her arm until her wrist where he lifted up her hand that was joined with his.

“Skilled hands that make works of art out of fabric, hands that serve, hands that will do whatever they can to help. Hands that are delicate yet so strong they once embraced a demon.”

“You were…ahhh…never a…demon Kennyo.”

Kennyo smiled wryly at Mai whose breathing had now become laboured. He followed the same path he had taken down her arm and shoulder. He crossed along her collarbone while his hand released her and came up to grab her right breast caressing it causing Mai's head to fall back as she let out a soft sigh. He kissed and nipped his way slowly down and across to the top of her left breast.

“Your beautiful heart. A heart… that reaches out to all those who come to here. A heart that…reached through the demon I was to what remained of my own heart. A heart that stole my own but replaced it with itself.”

Kennyo had kissed lower down from the top of Mai's breast as he spoke until he was now above where he assumed her heart would be about and he began to suck hard at her skin. Mai let out a cry of pleasure at the sensation Kennyo responded by tenderly kneading her other breast. As his lips released their hold he examined the faint red mark blooming on her skin. He kissed his way across her chest and moved his hands so that he could now caress her left breast while kissing down along her right one.

“Your perfect breasts that bring me pleasure and that now also sustain our son.”

More light kisses and caresses followed before he found his way back in between them. Using his body weight he slowly pushed Mai back down against the tatami before resuming his worship. Mai continued to let out soft moans of pleasure at Kennyo's tender kisses and heated touch while his reverence of her body made her heart and head heavy with delight. He continued his slow pace as he kissed down between her breasts moving over to where the faint scar remained on her side.

“This scar.”

He gingerly ran his fingers across it as a pained expression momentarily flashed across his face.

“A scar you bare only because of your love for me, because you wanted to save me even if it had cost you everything.”

Light kisses landed on that painful reminder of how he had almost lost her. Of all the pain he had put her through because of his stubbornness. Kennyo shook his head in hopes of shaking out those unpleasant memories as he moved across to her stomach and Mai briefly squirmed under him.

“Your belly where you grew and nurtured our precious child.”

Kennyo kissed her stomach where he used to when it was swollen with their child. Mai giggled slightly but it was soon cut off as Kennyo made his way down to her thighs, his calloused fingers following behind the path his lips had taken.

“Your soft thighs that make the best and most comforting place for me to lay my head. When I rest my head in your lap it is like everything bad or bothersome that has happened is cleansed away.”

Kennyo took his time kissing and nibbling on Mai's inner thigh while he gripped her hips. His extra appraisal to this area did not go unrewarded and Mai moaned in pleasure. As his lips continued their worship of her thighs his hands slowly slid down her leg as far as they were able.

“Your smooth legs and dainty feet which you use to walk beside me while we take this path in life together.”

Kennyo grabbed her knee and bent it while he kissed it. When he looked up at Mai and saw her eyes clouded by the pleasure he was giving her the calm that had come over him began to vanish. He planted kisses each one higher than the last all the way back up her thigh until he reached her center. Even this dim light was enough to reveal how wet she had become to him and he dragged his tongue along her opening delighting in her taste.

“Ahhh!”

Kennyo smiled to himself as he heard Mai's cry and her hand gently slam against the floor.

“And this…”

He nipped gently at her tender bud before kissing it.

“This place…”

Another long lick from his tongue followed by feather light kisses.

“Nghhh…”

“This place where…”

He prodded at her slick opening with his tongue, a part of him knew he was pushing her too far but it was all he could do now to keep himself in control.

“Where we…”

Mai was writhing desperately under him now, her hips bucking wildly against his tongue.

“Kennyo!”

At Mai's cry of his name the fading calm snapped all at once. Kennyo grabbed at Mai's hips digging in his nails as he pulled her closer to him before climbing on top of her. He wasted no time entering her in swift motion, her familiar warmth enveloped his cock as he thrusted into her hard.

“Where we join our two bodies as one, where your heat envelopes me. I can no longer be gentle with you tonight, I am sorry."

Kennyo's thrusts became even harder and he watched as Mais head fell back and her arms and legs wrapped themselves around him. He felt her nails rake across his shoulder as she became wetter and soon enough he could feel the clench around his cock as she reached her peak.

“Oh yes, Ahhh!”

Kennyo let out a low groan, those screams of his name and Mai's clear pleasure were all he needed to push him over the edge after so long and he came inside her shortly after. His arms felt like they would not hold his weight any longer so he used the last bit of strength in them to roll himself onto his back beside Mai so he did not crush her under himself. Normally Mai would come into his arms after they made love but several minutes passed and she still had not come. He looked over at her to find her laying there still panting and clutching at the side of her head. Worried he sat up quickly and placed a hand to her head.

“Mai, did I hurt you?”

Mai shook her head slightly followed by a barely audible no.

“Are you certain?”

“Ye, yes…I'm not hurt, I'm just.”

Mai's words faded as she closed her eyes.

“You are just what, answer me Mai!”

There was a slight panic in Kennyo's voice that Mai clearly detected as she reached out and squeezed his hand before opening her eyes and turning to look at him.

“I'm just still drowning in pleasure from you.”

“Oh?”

“It was always amazing but something about tonight…”

Kennyo relaxed now that there was clearly nothing wrong. He moved so he was on his side, his head propped up on his arm.

“My beautiful, perfect-”

As Kennyo spoke he leaned in towards Mai and placed a kiss upon her shoulder.

“Ahhh!”

Mai's body jolted at his kiss and she let out another cry of pleasure and bucked her hips, pleasure written clearly on her face.

“Mai?”

Kennyo reached out pushing Mai's hair out of her face and she turned towards him snuggling into his chest.

“I'm sorry, really I'm fine. That was, the way you spoke and touched me. It was all just… intense.”

“I see…”

“Not that it wasn't before! Just…wow”

Kennyo laughed, causing Mai to bury her face in his chest.

“I am sorry, I am not really laughing at you.”

He kissed the top of her head.

“I am just amused that my words seem to have heightened the effect.”

Mai looked up and pouted at Kennyo but he only grinned deviously at her.

“If you received that much intense pleasure from it, I see no reason we could not do so again.”

He planted a kiss upon her ear, then moved down along her jawline.

“There are many places on your body I have left to worship, if that would please you and I will be gentler in the future.”

Mai let out an unsteady breath.

“I don't know if I could survive that again, but…”

Kennyo watched as Mai bit her lower lip as she considered it.

“It would definitely please me to have you do it again, and… you don't need to be gentler.”

Kennyo slightly raised an eyebrow at Mai's words and wondered once again what reserve of good fortune had brought her into his life before wrapping his arms around her.

Tag List: @nightghoul381, @queengiuliettafirstlady, @nani-nani-nani, @oda-princess, @floydsteeth

[goddevouringserpent]

WOTR Companions First and Final Impressions

taking the open tag @the-raging-tempest left over at Discord cause I really really wanted to do this hehehehe :3 it was very very fun, even if time-consuming, so I am open tagging anyone who wants to do it! (& please do feel free to tag me in it because I very much want to see 👀)

the first impressions match the first actual interaction my KCs had with the companions, for which I am using the first real dialogue they ever had; so, for example, although they both technically met Camellia at the Kenabres festival, I am counting the first meeting as being in the caves under Kenabres.

First impressions

Seelah

Irenni: "A spot of hope in the middle of so much destruction! You lighten my heart with your presence, lady knight."

Kaija: "Paladin of Iomedae, huh? Well, you don't seem as stuck-up as the rest of your kin, at least. Mind your own business, I'll mind mine, and we should get along fine."

Camellia

Irenni: "So poised and elegant... I'm surprised by how nonplussed you seem, but in all fairness, you look high-born, and I suppose nobles are taught to conceal their emotions."

Kaija: "Ugh. Do we really have to babysit this spoiled brat? Hope you actually know how to use that rapier of yours, pretty girl, 'cause I'm not sticking my neck out for you."

Lann

Irenni: "A valiant warrior with a noble heart, I can tell. 'Tis a pity you downplay your own worth with such ferocity."

Kaija: "I know your type. You hate who you are, don't you, underground crusader? Tale as old as time. Shed those chains already—they'll never see you like you want them to see you. We're all just horned freaks to the respectable folks."

Wenduag

Irenni: "You are so angry... We mean no harm to you or yours. Let us help, please. We can only save each other if we stick together!"

Kaija: "There's a shrewdness in you, isn't there? You're a clever one. A survivor. Dangerous. It's fine, I can work with that. You're nothing new to me, huntress."

Woljif

Irenni: "I hope I'm not making a mistake by helping you. You seem harmless enough, but that shadow... There's something wrong about it. Do you even know the nature of the magic you wield?"

Kaija: "A kindred spirit. You're the only one here who understands. I see it in your eyes. We have the same look, you and I, the same kind of dirt under our fingernails, the same bloodied teeth. I've got your back, for as long as this arrangement lasts—way things are, turning my back on you would be like turning my back on myself."

Ember

Irenni: "Oh, you sweet soul... 'tis fortunate Andoletta watches over you, but still—you should be somewhere safe, enjoying your childhood, not bearing witness to the horrors of war."

Kaija: "I can tell there's some sort of strength in you, but you've gotta toughen up, kid, or the world will chew you up and spit you out."

Daeran

Irenni: "You behave as though you knew exactly what to say in order to vex me, Count Arendae. I ought to chastise you for being so irresponsible and inconsiderate, but you would not care at all. And... truth be told, you are fascinating, in your own way. A weakness in me, perhaps. We shall see. In the meantime—make yourself useful."

Kaija: "Hello there, yet-another-noble-prick in the endless assortment of Mendevian noble pricks! At least you're fun to be around, I'll give you that. Maybe someday I'll crash one of your parties. You might even thank me for it."

Nenio

Irenni: "A fellow scholar! Oh, this is so exciting. I cannot even blame you for your... peculiarities; truly, all of us who share an interest for the academic can sympathize, to one degree or another. I do so look forward to trading theories with you."

Kaija: "Heard about people like you, here and there. Strange stories. Sad, often. Leave it to a genius to lose her mind—there's a certain irony in it. But I think we'll work well together, long as you follow my lead."

Galfrey

Irenni: "Everlight, I feel so inadequate. The Queen of Mendev! Here! Sitting at my table! It is a pleasure and an honour, Your Majesty, although I wish the circumstances were different... and I wish I were a bit more put-together for the occasion..."

Kaija: "Bah. Mendev's golden figurehead. Must feel good, to come marching in and have everyone prostrate themselves at your feet, even though you did absolutely jack shit. Don't expect any special treatment from me, Your Majesty. Far as I'm concerned, you're just some freeloader at our table."

Sosiel

Irenni: "A servant of the Eternal Rose is always welcome! I see a sincere kindness in your eyes that puts me at ease... and Sarenrae knows that is exactly what I need right now."

Kaija: "Nice to have another artist nearby. Not many of us here. And there's a steel in you, a fire. It burns low, more a simmer than anything else, but I can tell. I've been there. No wonder, after the losses you've experienced. You'll do fine. Channel that fire."

Regill

Irenni: "Hellknight, is it? Hmph. I guarantee you will disagree with my methods, Paralictor; I hope, for both our sakes, that you are still willing to obey my orders."

Kaija: "Credit where it's due, you're one hell of a fighter. Don't really mind the stick up your ass if we can use it in our favour. 'Sides, a little spot of pragmatism might do us some good in the long run. Tired of all the crusaders with their heads in the clouds."

Arueshalae

Irenni: "My heart reaches out to you, as yours does to mine. I am aware it is ill-advised to trust a succubus, but, as servants of good, ought we not embrace any demons who choose to leave behind the stain of evil and embark upon a different path? Is it not our duty to aid them in this difficult journey? I open my arms for you, Arueshalae, even if it means the death of me."

Kaija: "I should be suspicious, and yet... I heard you. I saw you. In the temple of Desna, and in the shrine. That... that can't just be a demonic trick, right? There are some things the Abyss can't touch. But an ascending succubus... Demons aren't capable of redemption. It isn't in their nature. It's what everyone says, isn't it? But... but maybe... Maybe there's a chance... Maybe, if you..."

Greybor

Irenni: "Why in the world would you refuse to address the demon invasion going on, but take on an assassination contract? I am astounded by the greed and selfishness involved in your thought process, but, most of all, I am baffled by your short-sightedness. There will be no gold to reclaim should the armies of the Abyss prevail, good sir."

Kaija: "'Go and get reinforcements from the Defender's Heart,' heh... You don't know who you're talking to, master assassin. Don't need help to kill these demons. Go ahead and take care of your mark—just don't get in my way. Wouldn't want ya to have your limbs cleaved off."

Parting thoughts

Seelah

Irenni: "What a joy, to have shared this fight with you. You have kept me steady, grounded in hope, and I am so glad to have done the same for you. Do not let anyone extinguish your spark. It is people like you that give our struggles meaning."

Kaija: "You've proven me wrong, time and time again. Never thought I'd be happy about that, but I guess there's always a first time for everything. It's been an honour fighting at your side, Seelah... And an even bigger honour drinking at your side!"

Camellia

Irenni: "I... I tried, Camellia. I really did. I would have helped you, if only you had been truthful. But in the end, I... I did what I had to do. I am not proud of it, but you forced my hand."

Kaija: "I keep telling myself it was for the best, and maybe one day I'll believe it. We would've ruined each other, beloved, you know that as well as I do. Better to stop when... when we still could. But that doesn't mean I've stopped loving you. I never will. You'll always have a part of me. Wherever you go, whatever you do... be safe. Think of me, from time to time. I'll think of you."

Lann

Irenni: "It is so good to see you happy, at long last. You deserve it—you always have. You have performed all your duties admirably, Lann, both towards the crusade and towards your people. Find comfort, now. Live the life you want. May your aim be ever true and steady, my friend."

Kaija: "You've got to let go, at some point. Move on. Bury it or it'll bury you."

Wenduag

Irenni: "I bear you no ill will. You were deeply wounded, I can tell that now, and my only regret is being unable to heal you. May you find peace in the afterlife."

Kaija: "Hasn't always been easy, because I'll be fucked if you don't like to make everything as hard as possible, but... Here we are. Looking at us from where we stand at the end, I can say I'm glad to have met you. Glad to know you. You've found your own power, your own strength, and—I respect you, for that. See myself in you a little bit. Who would've thought, huh?"*

Woljif

Irenni: "I am so, so proud of you, and deeply ashamed I ever doubted you. So many would have fallen prey to the temptation of demonic power, but you... I know it was what you had wanted all your life, and yet you found strength enough in yourself to refuse it! I am humbled by you, Woljif."

Kaija: "The light of my life. That's what you are. Can't say I believe in soulmates or none of that, but I do believe in choosing someone over and over, with your whole heart, every day of your life, and... Well, I'll keep choosing you, over and over, for as long as I draw breath. You've changed me, deep to my core, and once upon a time I would've fought against that—you would've had me kicking and screaming to get out, heh—but now I wouldn't have it any other way. Wouldn't have you any other way. I'm with you, dearest, 'til the end, through thick and thin. It's you and me."

Ember

Irenni: "Your kindness is brilliant, Ember. Blinding. I hardly understand it myself, and I have felt the touch of Heaven! I know you do not believe in divine intervention, but... I cannot, in good faith, claim our meeting to be a coincidence. Both of us, devoted to mercy and redemption and salvation... We are the company we keep, I suppose, but we are altogether too similar in ideals for it to not mean something. I shall be pleased to accompany you further, should our paths meet again."

Kaija: "First time in my life I've ever been so thankful for someone getting their thoughts in order. You were heading down a bad road, kid. Putting yourself in danger. And—d'you think I could've lived with myself if I'd let you and you'd gotten killed because of it? I know it feels bad to have to temper your expectations, but you'll thank me later."

Daeran

Irenni: "Ah, my love, what I wouldn't do for you. We have not had an easy time of it, have we? A rocky beginning, a middle fraught with difficulties and obstacles... We have been our own worst enemies, in truth. But there is not a single thing that I would change. I am honoured to love you and to have you love me; to know you and to have you know me. I am so fortunate that you have chosen to trust me with your life, your heart, your freedom, even. I will keep you safe, no matter what it takes. You can rest lightly in my hands—I promise. You will never regret letting me love you."

Kaija: "Not too proud to admit I misjudged you. I mean, in a sense I had your measure as soon as I met you, knew exactly what kinda person I was dealing with, but in another sense, you've surprised me. Never thought I'd find a real friend in you. My best friend, even. Life's full of little jokes and twists, isn't it? I think we can both drink to that, and not just because we'll take any excuse to drink. So—here's to your health, Count."

Nenio

Irenni: "I... I don't understand. Why would you ever want... What led you to... to make the choices you made? You are worth more than that, Nenio. I pray it is not too late for you."

Kaija: "Somehow what's going on with you is less outlandish than what I thought was going on with you. It's fine. Seems like a lot, but you'll pull through, if you really want to. I believe you can."

Galfrey

Irenni: "You carry your burdens, and I carry mine. I neither envy nor resent you. Let us part in peace. I wish you well, Galfrey of Mendev."

Kaija: "Fool. If you keep holding your chin up, your neck'll snap. We're not on even footing anymore—I've long since surpassed ya, and you know it. Write a letter to your goddess if you're so mad about it."

Sosiel

Irenni: "It is good to see you have healed. You were teetering on the edge of something so grim, far from the light of Shelyn, and although I had faith in your ability to remain steadfast, I worried for you, Sosiel. Yet you have so gracefully recovered from the blows life dealt you. A soul as gentle and good as yours deserves nothing but that, my friend."

Kaija: "I know it wasn't what you expected, but did good. Kept your spine straight when it counted. Didn't back down. Opened your eyes. So that closure you got, Sosiel, those answers—that was all you, in the end. It was your actions that saved both of you. Take pride in that."

Regill

Irenni: "We have not always seen eye to eye... quite the opposite, in fact... but in the end, I am glad to have fought alongside you, Regill Derenge. I think, in better times, we could have been friends, but war can make strangers of us all."

Kaija: "Surprised at how well we work together. Or maybe not. It's all in the fighting mettle, after all—we're warriors through and through, and I guess even through our differences we could recognise that in each other. Steel calls to steel. I respect you, Regill, and I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual. Wouldn't be where you are now if it weren't, yeah?"

Arueshalae

Irenni: "There are too many things I should have told you, too many things I should tell you... but now is not the time. Later, once we are free. Then I will... Everlight's mercy, I just need you to know how deeply I care for you, how much I treasure and cherish and admire you, how badly I want to—augh, later, Irenni, later!"**

Kaija: "You say that I saved you, that you owe me so much, but c'mon, Arue, don't sell yourself short: you saved me every bit as much as I saved you. A mutual thing, yeah? Pulled each other outta the Abyss. I'm so proud of you, sister, and so grateful for everything you've done."

Greybor

Irenni: "Truthfully, I was not expecting you to take my advice to heart, and I am pleasantly surprised you have chosen to do so. I wish you an uneventful life, Greybor. Enjoy every moment."

Kaija: "A professional, through and through. We did some good work together. You've a... productive future ahead of you, I'm sure—who knows, maybe I'll require your services sometime, hah."

*Kaija's parting answer for Wenduag is largely a placeholder because this is my first time recruiting Wendu (I'd wanted to before, but I couldn't rationalise how/why Kai would, until now) & I am still figuring out their dynamic. however, I feel there might be... Something there. as in, the inklings of a very interesting ship dynamic. and I can never say no to toxic yuri, it's my kryptonite, soooo I am just kinda leaving that reply there for now lol

**Irenni romances Arueshalae, but only after the game ends. during the events of the game itself she's too busy dealing with her feelings towards Daeran to even try and address her feelings towards Arue. they are very much present, Irenni just... sets them aside, for the time being, because she already has enough on her plate emotions-wise as-is LOL but after everything is done, they become an item :3

[oh-surprise-its-me]

Roy/Jamie idea: don’t know if you do mpreg or not but I had this idea of Jamie starting to feel weird, get sick in the mornings a crave the strangest food. Roy gets worried sick and finally takes Jamie to the doctor for some tests. The results are on and Roy thinks Jamie’s dying, asks the doctor how long Jaime has. He’s devastated when the doc says maybe 8 months give or take. Roy rushes to Jaime who’s glowing and assures him they will make the best of the time they have left. Jamie’s like honey I’m not dyin’ I’m havin yet babey! Roy passes out but I’d super thrilled when he regains consciousness

I’ve read and written worse things to afraid of a little requested mpreg.

So yeah I’ll write it! But also know I’m drunk tonight so yeah!

Content warning- mpreg. And don’t be a bitch in the comments there’s a clear warning. In my mpreg universe they can have kids only by c-section.

Jamie had actually been throwing up for about two weeks before Roy realized. Once he found out and then found out how long it had been happening he flipped.

It doesn’t help that Jamie just tried to play it off as food poisoning from the weird stuff he’s been eating recently. If fact Roy probably reacted worse once Jamie started naming the things he’s been eating.

It’s the first month of the off season he’s allowed to get a bit loose with his meals

Jamie gets it. He does. He probably would’ve reacted the same way.

Thus comes the logical conclusion of Jamie sitting in the doctor’s office with Roy in the waiting room.

He’s been swinging his legs for the past few minutes waiting for the doctor to come back. He’s texting with Keeley about getting brunch as soon as he doesn’t feel like throwing up everything.

His doctor comes in with a smile, Jamie loves her. She always listens when he says something is wrong and gets that he has weird injuries with football.

She sits on the stool and rolls closer to him, “okay Jamie you ready?” Jamie takes a breath he nods.

“Short version is you’re totally fine. But you are pregnant.”

Jamie blinks. He can’t have heard her right. “Sorry come again?”

She smiles, “pregnant Jamie, about a month and a half along. We always knew you had the gene, always knew it was a possibility. Now there’s choices you can make if this isn’t what you want.”

Jamie shakes his head. “No I’m glad that people have choices but I want this. Never let myself think about it but now I want it.” She smiles at him again. “Fabulous okay do you want to call the father? I’m going out on a limb here and guessing it’s Roy.”

Jamie laughs. He burns a bit pink, “yeah it’s Roy, guess we weren’t always safe.” She laughs, “it’s okay you don’t have to explain you just have to be happy.”

“Can you get him for me? Just tell him he needs to be here.” “Want to freak him out?” Jamie laughs again, “Marie you know me so well.”

-

When Roy comes in the room the first think he does is catches Jamie’s hand. “You okay? Know why you’re throwing up?”

Jamie sighs. He knows it’s mean but he can’t help it. “Yeah it’ll all be over in about eight months.”

Roy inhales. “Oh god Jamie I’m so sorry. It’s okay we can do this. It will be fine. We’ll take off from football. Fuck football. We’ll travel. You know I’ll never leave you.”

Marie is refusing to look at Jamie. She knows she should stop this but he’s having a good time.

Jamie breaks. He lets out a laugh. He grins at Roy. “You better not leave you helped make this problem.” Roy tilts his head. He looks at the doctor then back to Jamie. “I’m pregnant Roy.”

-

When Roy comes back to himself it’s to Jamie holding him in his lap with Marie gently chastising Jamie. “You should’ve told him to sit at least you evil boy.”

Roy tilts his head back to look at Jamie. “You’re pregnant??” Jamie nods. “I’ll leave you two alone for a little bit.”

Marie leaves. Roy sits up he turns to look at Jamie. “Pregnant?” “Yeah. We really haven’t been careful.”

Roy feels some tears start. Jamie inhales, he wipes away the tears that fall. “Are you okay with this?”

Roy laughs. “God of course I am. This is a dream baby. Oh fuck a baby. Goddamn it Jamie you’re brilliant.”

Jamie let’s out a wet laugh. “Not angry? Happy? You’re gonna be a dad.”

Roy let’s the tears come down his face for real now. He kisses Jamie. He’s never not going to kiss Jamie. “You know this is going to take you off the field for the whole next season?” Jamie takes Roy’s hand. He puts it on his stomach, “it’ll be worth it. I’m not going anywhere on the team, just taking a break.”

“The guys are going to lose their minds.”

Jamie kisses Roy again, “mum is going to lose it are you kidding me?”

“Oh fuck we have to tell your mom we fucked.”

Jamie let’s out a big laugh. “Hon she knows she’s seen the hickeys.”

Roy goes bright red. “Jesus.”

“Phoebe and your sister are doing to lose their minds.”

Roy pulls Jamie into his lap. “We’re going to get so much baby clothing.” Jamie can’t stop smiling he’s so excited. “Come on let’s go check out. I want to take you home.”

When they get back into the car Jamie let’s out the cheer he’s been holding in. “Oh my god Roy I’m so excited to have a kid with you.”

Roy kisses him again. “I wouldn’t want anyone else to be the father of my kid. Kids? Kid.”

Jamie laughs “god knows you’d be able to knock me up with twins.”

“Don’t you dare say that, we can’t handle two kids.”

-

8 months later they have a little girl. She’s got curly black hair and bright blue eyes. It’s the happiest they’ve ever been. They know it won’t be easy but what in their lives has been. It will be easier then most things because of how much they love each other.

[thana-topsy]

My choice fell on Enthir/Gallus, number 4, because this ship deserves more than one angst drabble👍

Well, anon, thanks to that original Enthir/Gallus prompt, I've been so thoroughly infected with Enthir brainrot that I've started crafting an entire fic around him and his messy fucking life post-Gallus's death. Decided to take the opportunity to use this suggestion to flesh out their relationship a little bit more. I wouldn't say this follows the prompt exactly but it's close enough.

Note: gets a little raunchy near the end of this drabble. This scene will most likely make an appearance in the fic that's slowly being birthed.

--

Enthir had never known Gallus to be one who asked for help. He was a man with a plan, always. Every situation had a contingency, a fallback, a plan B. This being the case, when he turned up in the Frozen Hearth one evening, paler than a ghost and covered in a sheen of sweat, Enthir knew something had to be very wrong. 

“I believe I’ve found myself in a bit of a jam, my friend.”

Enthir only had to take one look at him to know that was the case. “The fuck did you manage to get into this time?”

Gallus flinched through his smile. He was hunched over in an odd position, his body (and whatever else he might be hiding) obscured by his thick woolen cloak. “You know I wouldn’t be here if I could take care of it on my own.” 

“Which means it’s bad.”

“One could say that, yes. I’ll just say, what I’m experiencing is rather unpleasant, and I could use, ah–” His eyes did a quick sweep around the room, his head remaining still, and Enthir took note of the sweat beading along his neck. “A discrete touch.” 

Enthir furrowed his brow. “Follow me.”

After making their way into the basement, in the privacy of Enthir’s office, Gallus removed his cloak, then pulled the glove from his left hand. 

Enthir hissed in empathy, his pulse spiking with panic. “Gallus, you idiot.”

The veins of his hands pulsed black, traveling up his arm to his elbow like trails of ink. On his middle finger was a ring adorned with the image of a skull, its eyes inlaid with sapphires. 

“I admit, I didn’t quite do my due diligence,” Gallus said with another wincing smile. 

“Sit,” Enthir barked, pointing at a chair. Then turned to one of his warded chests. “How long has it been on?” 

“Oh, a few days…”

“Be specific.”

“Since Fredas. Late evening.”

Enthir cursed under his breath, dismantling his wards and opening the chest. “One more day and that thing would have killed you. You understand that, right?”

“I do hate being chastised,” Gallus quipped, but his voice wavered. 

Enthir pulled a soul gem from the trunk, along with a ceramic plate inlaid with sigils. He returned to his desk and set the plate down in front of Gallus. “Hand in the center of the main circle,” he instructed, then sighed. “The most disappointing thing about this situation is that I don’t think I’ll be able to salvage the ring.”

“Please try,” Gallus urged.

“It’s either your arm or the ring, Gallus. And while I know it’s not your stroking arm, I think you’d probably miss it.” He sighed. “But I’ll try. Now hold still.”

It was a delicate process—untethering the ring’s curse from Gallus’s life force. Enthir had recognized it immediately: an artifact of the second era, worn by priests of the Worm Cult. Unless worn by the properly initiated, it would siphon the vitality from its wearer, storing it in the ring until a proper cultist required use of it. Worth at least ten thousand gold to the right buyer.

“You’ve always had a bad habit of sticking your fingers where they don’t belong,” Enthir quipped. Humor eased the panic, made it feel less dire. 

“I’ve never heard any complaints,” Gallus volleyed, as was expected. “Especially not from you.”

Enthir smiled at the comment but maintained his focus, a soul gem in one hand, spell in the other. His fingers twitched as he altered the form in his head, delicately untangling the invisible strings that spread like a fungus through Gallus’s arm, latching to his energy pools like leeches. Slowly, the blackness in his veins began to fade, shrinking back towards the ring. He heard Gallus exhale shakily. After several more tense minutes of silent concentration, Enthir saw the inlaid sapphires flash and he deftly yanked the ring from Gallus’s finger.

“Fucking hell,” Gallus exclaimed, drawing his hand back to rub at his finger. “I owe you my life.”

“Again,” Enthir reminded him. He rolled the ring across his palm, picking up the nearby magnifying glass for closer inspection, checking the inner band. The delicate sigils were still intact, glowing faintly. “Good news: it’s still functioning.”   

“Praise the shadows,” Gallus breathed in quiet prayer. 

“Yeah, that would have been one of your more costly fuck-ups.” He handed the ring over to his friend with mild dismay. It wasn’t every day something that lucrative passed through his hands. “I assume you’ll be compensating me accordingly?” 

“Coin, goods, or services?” Gallus shot back with a grin, the color returning to his cheeks.

“Coin,” Enthir clarified, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands in his lap. “Once you sell it. If you manage to sell it, that is. Otherwise I’ll take whatever you think is fair.”

“Fair?” Gallus got to his feet and strolled around the desk, still rubbing his finger absently. “You place so much trust in me. It’s touching, really.”

“Hopefully not something you intend to put to the test,” Enthir said, his pulse quickening as Gallus dropped to his knees in front of him, hands sliding up Enthir’s thighs.

“I would never.” He laced his fingers at the small of Enthir’s back, arms resting along his legs as he gazed upwards with that boyish smile he so often used to get his way.

Enthir cocked his head to the side, reaching down to brush a thumb across Gallus’s lower lip, tracing his fingers along the line of his jaw. “I could accept… services. In the interim. Think of it as a downpayment.”

Gallus’s pupils had blown wide, the hazel green of his eyes reduced to a thin ring. He smiled, placing a small kiss against the pad of Enthir’s thumb. Then he began to unbuckle Enthir’s belt. 

It was a perfunctory blowjob—more business than anything else—but Enthir threaded his fingers through Gallus’s hair softly, indulgently, gripped the sides of his head as he bobbed on his cock. He closed his eyes, tipped his head back and let his mouth soften, groaning into the silence of his office, the only other sounds the slick suction of Gallus’s mouth as he worked. Gallus always swallowed, which was commendable. Left little to clean up. Enthir slid his thumb past Gallus’s lips after he’d pulled off, just to feel the soft heat of his tongue one last time, before leaning forward and kissing him firmly, tasting his own seed in the process. 

“What did we learn?” he asked in a low growl.

“Hmm?” Gallus replied, eyes closed, a soft smile on his lips. “Sorry?”

“Cheeky fucking bastard,” Enthir laughed, gripping Gallus’s jaw tighter and pulling him up for another kiss.

[codenamehazard]

.:In The Dark of the Night:.

[TRIGGER WARNING FOR ARACHNOPHOBIA AND OTHER CREEPY CRAWLIES!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!]

Chapter 24: In The Dark of the Night

Hey guys!

Holy Moly, I can't believe it has been almost an entire year since I started this journey with what was supposed to only be a simple one-shot of Cole saying "Fuck you" to the destiny thrusted upon him and running off into a Conduit Mad-Maxian playgound to have some fun. I even checked back on the creation date of "Breaking the Shackles" and it was back on the last day of March. March! That's insane!

And I have you all to thank for giving me the push to keep going on this story. So, thank you all from the bottom of my heart, I'm sending you all digital hugs.

The year is coming to a close and this will be my last chapter of the year. So with that, I wish you all a very Happy Holidays, whatever it is you celebrate, and here's to a safe and Happy New Year!

I've rambled on long enough, time to jump in! I hope it's a worthy chapter to close the year on!

--------

Everything hurts, everything. My muscles ache, my nerves burn, my brain reels and my heart constricts in fear. My entire world is nothing but fear, panic and pain, but I know I can’t stop, I won’t stop.

Not until Trish is safe in my arms.

My body begs for rest as I had been doing nothing but running, climbing and fighting non-stop for the better part of an hour. Even with the boost of being a Conduit, my body still produces lactic acid and it burns my muscles all the same. Yet I still climb, running on nothing but pure adrenaline and will-power. Pushing through the pain.

Every pull of my arms, every push of my legs brings me closer to her. The love of my life, the woman I would move mountains for, who I would scorch heaven, hell and Earth for.

I can hear his damned voice chastising me. Telling me how disappointed he is, how he expected more from me. How my selfishness is blinding me from whatever “big picture” he was rambling on about, but I don’t give a damn. As long as I have Trish, the whole world could go to hell and I wouldn’t care.

She’s the only light in this god-forsaken city I have left, and I’ll be damned if I let anyone snuff it out.

My heart soars when I crest the ledge and pull myself up with a flourishing flip, rushing over to the bomb and defusing it.

“Trish!” I call out, panic and relief mixing in my voice.

“Who the hell is Trish?!” The color drains my face and my blood runs cold as a stranger’s voice is what I hear. Who the hell is this bitch?! “Get me out of this!!”

“Looks like I was wrong.” That damn voice taunts over the radio as my blood freezes in my veins with the realization that I’ve been played for a fool. It was a trick, Trish is with the six and now I can’t get to her in time.

“COLE!!!” I can barely hear her voice over the sound of the bombs going off and the mounting static in my ears as I watch the six bodies fall.

“TRIIIIIIIIISH!!!!!!!”

—-----

The same word bellows out of my mouth as I scream myself awake. Black and red sparks arcing off of my body as I sit up with the start, objects fly off of me from my sudden movement. A woman’s scream only adds to the panic in my blood as Kestrel is startled awake and sent tumbling out of her hammock and onto the floor with a squishy crunch. 

I hyperventilate as my eyes dart wildly, trying to remember where I am and what’s going on, it’s only then I get a good look at what was flinged off of my body.

Scorpions… Giant, gnarled scorpions, the size of my head! Seeming to be blinking in and out of existence… They were everywhere.

A panicked squawk comes out of the bird’s mouth as she scrambles onto her feet and heats up her arms, I just let out a disgusted yell before turning these things into target practice. Though with their ability to just disappear into thin air, it’s easier said than done.

“Kestrel, what the hell are these things?!” I bellow out as I stomp my feet around like the most fucked up game of Dance Dance known to man. “Blink Scorpions!” Kestrel shouts back at me as she uses her slug bursts as opposed to her typical shots.

“Blink Scorpions?!” I repeat. What the fuck does that even mean?! I get the name, but it doesn’t mean anything. “A little more detail would be nice, Kestrel.” I snarl in irritation as I narrowly avoid getting tagged in the ankle.

“Big, nasty, carnivorous arachnids with a taste for Conduit flesh, a sting that can completely incapacitate one. They can turn invisible and can only be revealed by UV light.” I stare dumbfoundedly at the girl, and they never told me about these things until now?! I’ll grill her on that question later, right now I have a bigger question on my mind.

“Did whatever the hell made the Warped make this fuckers too?!” I roar in anger as I turn another bug into a purple splat on the floor.

“Yeah!” Kes confirms. Great, so it’s not just zombies and living tumors I have to worry about.

Memories flicker in my mind, back to Empire City. The absolute nightmares that were the damn Cloaking Conduits of the First Sons. These overgrown cockroaches reminded me of them, made my blood boil with white hot rage as I fry them when they show their ugly mugs. As I kill, I think to myself; I struggled with the Cloakers because of their tech, but these things don’t have any.

Could the Radar Pulse find these bastards? Only one way to find out.

A simple pulse and holy shit, they lit up like Christmas lights. Well, that makes my job and Kes’ jobs easier.

“Hey little birdie!” I call out to Kes, she turns her head towards me. “Creepy crawly at your six!” She turns around and blasts it, splatting glowing purple gore on the floor.

“Thanks Cole!” She calls back as she continues to blast at the bugs flickering in and out. “How did you-” “Less talking, more blasting!” I interrupt. “I’ll explain later, just keep blasting where I call!” She gives me an annoyed look, but nods before we get back to playing exterminator with Kestrel painting the air blue with cussing and bitching.

“What in God’s name are these things doing here anyways?!” I hear Kestrel shout out as she dodges a sting. “Blink Scorpions aren’t even supposed to be here!” I blink and stare before punting the bug against the wall.

“What do you mean they’re “not supposed to be here?!”” I balk as I zap another blinker. 

“I mean they’re not supposed to be here.” Kestrel snips back, firing off some slag shards to pin a bug that’s too close to my head. “These bastards are normally found near Arkansas, not here!” Arkansas?! That’s miles away!!

“Maybe they’re crawling south for the winter.” I snark a little and that nearly got me a slag-shot to the head.

“Very funny, MacGrath.” Kes shoots back as we finally clear enough room to get to the door of the trailer. We both grab the doors and swing them open, but before we could get outside, something sounding like a mix of nails on a chalk-board, a broken tornado siren and a human scream rings out. Kestrel and I cover our ears in pain.

The trailer jostles as whatever it is rams into it, making the two of us tumble out like the rug was pulled out from under us.

The freezing cold rain makes black and red spark jump and arc off of my body as I get back up on my feet, god-damn it, of all the times for a swarm of things to attack. I glare as I turn my head back to the trailer and…

Jesus fucking Christ…

What is crawling and attempting to flip the trailer over is… God, I thought the Summoner was bad… 8 creaking legs tipped with large claws, four giant eyes on its head with four smaller ones under the two on the front, fangs so big it could split a man in half and it’s body covered in stoney armor, so much so that if it stood still, you might mistake it for some random boulders in the middle of nowhere!

And the thing that makes this creepy crawly monstrosity all the more horrifying? Out of the nooks and crannies of that rocky armor crawl those blinking bastard scorpions that gave everyone the rude awakening.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to put two and two together, those things were that giant boulder-spider’s babies and we just pissed off the momma.

It’s only when the cacophony of shouting and screaming starts that I notice the rest of the Misfits, rushing around and panicking. Mako and Pangolin trying to set up spots to take cover under and Kestrel rushing towards the armory to get weapons. I’d facepalm if I weren’t busy trying to keep from getting stung as in her fear, Kestrel forgot Big Momma is on top of the trailer that houses the armory.

A loud metallic THUNK rings out when Big Momma swipes her leg at the dumbass bird and sends her flying.

The panic in the air thickens as we all come to realize that we were going to have to fight with our powers, if Warped Spikes are anything like using powers in the mines, then we were going to ring the dinner-bell while trying to stay alive.

I fire off a Hellfire Rocket at Big Momma, but to my horror the electric missiles bounce off the stone armor. Memories of the Devourer flash in my mind when I see that, but this time there is no bigass mouth to chuck grenades into. I curse loudly as I feel a pit of helplessness sink inside my stomach and by the fearful look of everyone else’s faces, they’re just as scared as me.

The heavy hitters get to work on the stone-spider-nightmare, trying to crack the shell, Mako blasting sharpened shards of bone,  Pangolins firing off shotgun like blasts of brick into the armor while trying to tank hits from the legs and Kestrel firing spears of Slag into areas that looked the thinnest, but the monster didn’t even seem bothered as she charges and swipes at the scrambling Misfits.

Dove and I are trying to do our part by keeping the tiny scorpions at bay so that the three wouldn’t need to worry about them. The little bugs were easy enough to kill, but there’s just so damn many of them and they seemed to be everywhere.

The pit in my stomach gnaws and scratches at me. I try to focus on my task at hand, but the feeling of helplessness and utter uselessness is suffocating and infuriating. I wanted to help take the big bitch down but knowing that my powers, all of them, are useless against her, causes the sparks on my arms to hiss and spit as I do the only thing I can do to help and take my emotions out on these tiny bastards.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see one of the scittering bugs slip by. I try to zap it, but it is a jittery thing, making it hard to track. It’s making a bee-line to Kestrel. I’m about to call out to the Gunsmith, but Pangolin beats me to it.

I watch as the Brick Spartan spots the creature charging at Kes, tail raised and ready to sting, before he barrels into the girl. Knocking the bird out of the way, Pangolin takes the hit, right in the leg. Purple liquid oozes from the injury as the man screams out in utter agony. The same purple glow starts to crawl through his veins slowly as he collapses to the ground, his pinecone armor crumbling to dust as he writhes, powerless.

The sounds of the world become static and wailing as I watch Kestrel and Dove scream out in terror as the swarm rushes towards their victim.

“THOMAS!!!!”

[To Be Continued]

[cobaltcarbonpotassium420]

spring cleaning - chainsaw man

synopsis: it's time for spring cleaning, but a certain someone's inability to read might just be the death of aki, denji, and power.

author's note: figured I'd give dialogue a shot! i'm not the best at it though, so forgive me!! i decided i'd clean today, and i got the idea to write this about the little hayakawa family (found family trope will forever be my fave). anyway, check what cleaning products you're using! and don't mix them together! (those vids on TikTok where they put shit loads of product in the toilet bowl always piss me off)

"spring cleaning used to be so easy" aki thinks to himself. of course it was, until a few months ago he was living alone, but now he is reluctantly living with power and denji - two people who had spent so long living on the streets that they didn't truly know what it felt like to have a roof over their heads.

"i'm gonna clean aki's room! i bet he's got tonnes of dirty mags hidden somewhere!" denji's excitement is soon shut down by aki hitting him over the head with the mop he had in hand.

"firstly, i keep my room clean anyway. there's no need for it to be cleaned today, and even if there was, i'm capable of doing it myself. i don't need your help." aki chastises denji for his underestimating of aki's cleanliness and organisation. truthfully, spring cleaning used to be a simple affair that only really involved aki beating the rugs to get rid of the dust that settled in them (though he did that every few months anyway) and taking everything out of every cupboard to wipe all of the shelves down.

"secondly, i haven't the time nor desire to buy shit like dirty magazines.". aki was right. being a devil hunter meant he was constantly on the verge of death, but while some people believed that meant indulging in every worldly desire at all times, aki took it as a motivator to stay on the right track. he had goals which required him to be focused at all times, though his tunnel vision was sometimes criticised by other devil hunters on account of how blunt he was with anything regarding his job.

denji sulks for a moment, he struggles to understand how someone could go through life without wanting to touch or look at or even just think about boobs. suddenly, cleaning the apartment seemed much more boring, and denji decided to take as long as possible doing everything he possibly could in an attempt to get revenge on aki for taking away the one thing he was looking forward to.

aki looks up from the floor to see power cuddling meowy and nuzzling her face against the cat's soft fur. "power, you go clean the bathroom. you're the one who always makes a mess of it."

"huh? humans are so fragile, they can't handle a little messiness. you wouldn't last a day in the wild! but i, the great power, lived like that for years! admit your inferiority!" much like denji, power had been desensitised to uncleanliness. unlike denji, she didn't grasp why people cared about living in clean environments.

"clean the bathroom, or i'm buying meowy the cheap cat food."

"absolutely not! meowy doesn't deserve that crap! she's done nothing wrong!"

power reluctantly places meowy on the floor, grabs a rag and a sponge, and goes to clean the bathroom. aki was thinking about how to try to instil in power a sense of hygiene while scrubbing a stain on the rug, no doubt left there by some orange juice either denji or power spilled during a fight. they might have had somewhat similar backgrounds, but their ways of thinking were entirely different. denji might have had silly dreams, ones that aki felt were too simple and weak to keep him interested in devil hunting, but at least he had goals he wanted to achieve. power on the other hand never had any dreams that she wanted to achieve, at least not that aki could recall her talking about.

"can i put this in the toilet?" power shouts across the apartment, with her hand stuck past the door of the bathroom holding a bottle of toilet cleaner.

"of course. that's it's purpose." aki is exasperated. he realises he'll have to teach power and denji what products to use if he ever wants his apartment to maintain even half of the cleanliness it had before the two not entirely welcome intruders came to live with him.

"what about this?" in power's hand is another miscellaneous bottle of cleaning product from the small collection aki keeps in the bathroom cupboard beside the sink.

aki looks up from the floor but doesn't pay much attention to what was written on the bottle, every cleaning product in the bathroom was intended to be used there.

"yes, that's fine." he sighs, and laments the days when he lived alone. perhaps spring cleaning would have been easier if he had just sent power and denji on some mission and he cleaned the apartment alone. at least it would be a less stress-inducing situation.

wait. aki didn't look at what power held up properly, but he could've sworn he just saw a big, bold letter 'B' on the bottle.

"power, hold that up again quickly."

"why? you said it was fine to use so i've already add-"

"show me what you used and i'll buy you a chocolate bar later."

power complies, and holds the bottle out past the bathroom door. aki moves closer to inspect the bottle. his fears were confirmed, it was bleach.

"everybody out! the ammonia in the toilet cleaner and this bleach could kill us!" panic sets in as he watches the toilet bowl, hoping that power didn't use enough to accidentlly kill them all. sure, her and denji might have been able to survive, but aki was unfortunately a human with only one life, and he wasn't about to waste that on being killed by a gas made unintentionally by mixing some toilet cleaning products.

"foolish human! this is why you shouldn't clean! all of those chemicals are clearly dangerous and-" power can't finish her sentence; aki has already shoved meowy into her arms, and is pushing power and denji out past the front door. he runs back into the apartment, sleeve covering his mouth and nose to open the balcony door and as many windows as he can to let the fumes out. he's running out of breath, but the last window he wants to open is jammed shut. "fuck.". he abandons the pointless struggle, and runs to rejoin denji and power outside his apartment door, which he slams shut behind him.

he leans his back against the cold door, and exhales deeply, slowly sinking down to sit on the floor. he reaches into his pocket to pull out a cigarette and a lighter, only to realise that they had been left on the coffee table in the apartment which he now feared would be toxic for any human to enter. another wave of stress washes over him, and aki looks up to see denji and power arguing about who's fault it was. denji accuses power of attempting murder, but power looks at aki and claims denji was the one handing her the products despite him being sat on the couch near aki.

aki rests his head on his knees, and decides then and there that denji and power are never helping him with cleaning again.

[particular-one]

Hello! This is my first time making a request so I hope I don't ruin it- for an emoji, I will use this✨ (definitely not because I love stars) for fandoms, genshin impact, honkai star rail and Haikyuu! For pronounce, I use she/her. For romantic preference, male characters. I'm an INFG, for my personality, I'm pretty closed off and introverted, my silence and blank expression always gives off the impression that I'm intimidating (that's what people tell me at least) but I'm just shy and silent. I like socializing, but once my social battery runs out, I immediately escape to the nearest quiet place to recharge. I like helping people,as well as being productive to finish my work. I'm good at reading people and observing them, to the point my friend comes to me to ask my opinion about other people. I can't stand being in crowds, you will find me hiding in some corner or an empty room on family gatherings. I'm good at comforting and know many ways of comforting different personalities. I tend to be emotional and sensitive to words from the people I hold dear to my heart, I'm nice and easy going once you get to know me, understanding and considerate. I'm the supportive mother of my friend group. For hobbies...I love reading, listening to music, drawing and sketching and recently writing stories and novels. What I look in a romantic relationship... stability, loyalty and honesty. I tend to overwork myself a lot without realizing so I need someone to tell me to slow down, I also have a tendency to overthink every little detail and situation so I want someone to stabilize me when I'm stuck in a hurricane of thoughts. I don't know how to express my feelings and try to give hints that I'm not feeling well, I want someone who can pick up on these hints and comfort me. I take relationships seriously and want someone to be loyal and not run away. My love language (me giving) is physical touch and acts of service (I was never good with words) as for receiving, probably words of affirmation and physical touch. For date ideas...I'm good with anything as long as it doesn't have a lot of crowds, something that I hate... ignorance and cheating, definitely my turn off.

hello ✨! dw i love galaxy imagery as well so i totally get it, haha. i hope you like your matchups!

GENSHIN IMPACT ---- TIGHNARI

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ tighnari was immediately drawn to your presence. there was something about you that he couldn't quite place, that even if you were in a middle of a room where a lot of things were happening simultaneously, his eyes would be drawn towards you. little did tighnari know that that feeling was called having a crush. you always seemed to disappear so he actually had a hard time trying to find you but you had your first proper meeting during one of his scout missions. it was a nice change of pace with you, as he's not around his usual crowd — don't get him wrong, he likes eating out with kaveh and cyno, but having to sit through stale joke after stale joke was his breaking point. as a partner, tighnari is very caring and protective. he's pretty much accustomed to stability, so he ensures that you're taking care of yourself. though he does give some unsolicited advice on how to better take care of yourself, rest assured it's out of concern for your wellbeing as his partner. for the rare moments that you have long conversations, tighnari loves hearing you talk on and on about what you've read, or the stories you've written. he brings you to the avidya forest sometimes, and the both of you just take in the silence and fresh air together. tighnari is very stern with you if he sees you constantly overworking, chastising you to get a break once in a while. if he sees you passed out doing your work, he usually places a blanket over you so you won't get cold.

HONKAI STAR RAIL ---- GEPARD LANDAU

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ gepard was a gentleman ... or at least, he had to constantly remind himself that. this guy is the classic definition of "he fell first and very, very hard." his sister saw right through him and teases him about it, which he gets really embarrassed about. he's definitely very noble and chivalrous around you. he can come off a little.. amusing considering how he tries very hard to impress you with this. still, gepard always offers a shoulder to you whenever you're feeling down, and he's a really good listener. as a partner, gepard still is the chivalrous type. he's the type of guy to demonstrate a lot of acts of services, but when he finds out that you actually find physical touch comforting, he would most definitely shower you with a lot of hugs. watch as he'd hug you from behind, spin you around in his arms like the sappy romantic that he is. gepard's used to giving a lot of motivating speeches as a silvermane soldier, so he's very good with his words when he's comforting you, though he gets really nervous about saying something wrong. he always tells you how much you mean to him, and definitely is big on pet names — don't be surprised when he ends up referring to you as his whole sky, or his north star, because oh, he definitely would. though gepard usually is busy with his duties, he always sends you a lot of letters to make sure you never feel alone.

HAIKYUU!! ---- AKAASHI KEIJI

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ akaashi found a lot of similarities in you that he also found in himself. people with an analytical mind with the tendency to overthink? if akaashi were being honest, it almost scared him a little to know someone that could have been his carbon copy. still, that emotion slowly turned into intrigue, but akaashi never knew when it blossomed into affection. now, if bokuto found out about his little crush, his friend never lets him live it down. as a partner, akaashi is more private with his affections. he isn't the lovey dovey type in public, but he demonstrates his feelings for you by getting you things that you like. akaashi remembers a lot of your favorite things — pretty sure he made an excel sheet about it, but you didn't hear it from me — so he surprises you with them when you least expect it. that book you've been eyeing from the bookshop a week ago? akaashi has it gift wrapped ready for your viewing pleasure. that really expensive sketchpad that you've wanted to get for the longest time? he saved up his money just so he can get it for you. akaashi also is big on hand holding, but this is more of a gradual thing. he likes interlocking your fingers together and squeezing your hand in reassurance. akaashi always knows how to make time for you despite his hectic practice schedule, may it be going out on a simple dinner date, or planning a whole trip out of town just so the both of you can unwind together.

[cryberpunkart]

My experience with top surgery feels like not the worst, but definitely not optimal.

CW; fatphobia, unhealthy eating mindset mention, poor practice(?), misgendering

My partner had surgery with Company A, a smaller group specialising in trans care. FFS, top surgery, I think also bottom surgery, all the good stuff. They had a wonderful experience. So naturally I wanted Company A too.

Company A knew me through my partner, were warm and excited to work with me. Until I told them my BMI. I was told it needed to be lowered. Now, when I tell you I have tried to lose weight so many times, I don't exaggerate. Nearly every fat person has the same laundry list of diets, pills, practices, shakes, etc, that they've tried. I eat well. I strive for things that make my body feel good and I try to recognise when I don't want or need food that was previously a comfort to me. I have disordered eating, and I try and recognise when I'm not hungry Vs when I'm telling myself I shouldn't be eating as punishment. I strive for body neutrality and health. I hate "but I'm a GOOD fatty" so please know that I believe none, but none, of this should change anyone's access to care. My point is; I can't lose weight. I try, I fail, so I am trying for neutrality and less self loathing. So you can imagine how it felt to be told that, as a small-mid fat person (what, 210lbs, 5' 9"?? Something like that) I was too fat for surgery.

I consulted again with Company A when I was ready to look seriously at surgery. When I explained no, I had not lost weight and I struggle to, the admin assistant demanded to know what I eat in a day. Do I exercise? "Well then why aren't [I] losing weight?" I'm a very sensitive person about my body, having been hyper aware of it for, you know, my entire life. So I start to cry, feeling chastised and shamed, and I go "I don't know." He gives me a long lecture on my diet and exercise, this admin assistant.

After that call, and because of a lot of poor admin, no replies to emails, sloppy info handling, I drop Company A. I explained in detail how that call made me feel, and said admin came back to say that he didn't understand what "went wrong", despite me explaining in detail what happened. Disheartening.

I feel the need to point out, I'm not naive. Some medical procedures carry some additional risks for patients of a higher weight. Sure. Okay. But do better? Lessen the risk by being better medical professionals. That's all I care to say on that.

I found Company B, who did my surgery in the end. However, I still got the fatphobia.

During the consult with my surgeon, he did mention my BMI, as I knew he would, but he also happened to say that my results from surgery "wouldn't look as aesthetically pleasing" because of my weight. Felt really good, that bit. /s

I was misgendered by one of the nurses at the hospital while waiting to have surgery. Cool.

Post-op, I had dressings for a week longer than they should have, I suspect because people in my town don't have much experience with trans folk (2 out of 3 appointments, they didn't really talk to me very kindly, they acted a little bit weird about me tbh). I've had uncomfortable, firm and warm swelling that my wound clinic didn't flag until my third visit, when I had been swollen for two weeks or so. I had informed Company B that I had "a fist sized lump" on my ribs.

It gets a bit confusing but wound clinic told me to talk to my GP, who told me to go to urgent care. Company B called me the day after urgent care gave me antibiotics to tell me to go back and get it drained. I explained I'd been to urgent care and been given medication. Company B responded "well did you see a doctor?" like I was going to ask the lovely overworked and underappreciated person at urgent care whether they were a doctor or not. Medical professional who took my fear seriously and gave me meds is good enough for me.

I'm just! Tired! I'm tired, gang.

[steveezekiel]

CANDIDNESS OF YOUR TRUE STATE AND THE GENUINE REPENTANCE 1

13 WE know we have rebelled and have denied the Lord. We have turned our backs on our God. We know how unfair and oppressive we have been, carefully planning our deceitful lies." 14 Our courts oppose the righteous, and justice is nowhere to be found. Truth stumbles in the streets, and honesty has been outlawed." Isaiah 59:13,14 (NLT)

9 NOW I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, BUT BECAUSE THE PAIN CAUSED YOU TO REPENT AND CHANGE YOUR WAYS. IT WAS THE KIND OF SORROW GOD WANTS HIS PEOPLE TO HAVE, so you were not harmed by us in any way. 10 FOR THE KIND OF SORROW GOD WANTS US TO EXPERIENCE LEADS US AWAY FROM SIN AND RESULTS IN SALVATION. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. BUT worldly SORROW, which LACKS REPENTANCE, RESULTS in spiritual DEATH." 2 Corinthians 7:9,10 (NLT)

God usually would consider any repentant heart, who comes to Him, for mercy (Psalm 34:18; 51:17; Isaiah 66:2).

You may miss it and go astray, but when you realized that you are wrong, you had to repent and change and find your way back to God (Luke 15:17-21; 1 John 1:9).

God is the Father to those who confess Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour (John 1:11,12). He is loving and caring. Whoever misses it and comes back to Him, such would be received back (Luke 15:18-24).

God is not delighted in the destruction of anyone: 23 “DO YOU THINK THAT I LIKE TO SEE WICKED PEOPLE DIE? says the Sovereign LORD. OF COURSE NOT! I WANT THEM TO TURN FROM THEIR WICKED WAYS AND LIVE. 32 I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE, says the Sovereign LORD. TURN BACK AND LIVE" (Ezekiel 18:23,32 NLT).

He would not destroy you, but requires a change of heart (1 Timothy 2:4; 2 Peter 3:9).

The disobedient who repented not would be Disciplined: 3 WHEN I REFUSED TO CONFESS MY SIN, MY BODY WASTED AWAY, AND I GROANED ALL DAY LONG. 4 DAY AND NIGHT YOUR HAND OF DISCIPLINE WAS HEAVY ON ME. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Interlude 5 FINALLY, I CONFESSED ALL MY SINS TO YOU AND STOPPED TRYING TO HIDE MY GUILT. I said to myself, “I WILL CONFESS MY REBELLION TO THE LORD.” AND YOU FORGAVE ME! ALL MY GUILT IS GONE. Interlude" (Psalm 32:3-5 NLT).

The purpose of discipline or chastisement or correction is the change for good on the part of the person who is being chastised or disciplined (Hebrews 12:9,10).

God's chastisement is not an act of wickedness, but love with the intention to correct and bring back to the right track (Hebrews 12:6,11). Thus, do not hide your shortcomings, the things you had done wrong (Proverbs 28:13).

A believer should learn how to accept a responsibility without passing the buck—shifting the blame or responsibility onto another. In other words, If you missed it, do not try to look for someone to blame for the mistakes you had made.

If you had to be reprimanded for your mistakes, accept it, with gratefulness. Your attitude to corrections matters to God.

If you were the type, when corrected, who would like to fight and do all manner of things to defend yourself and would not want to receive any blame, It means you are still far from spiritual maturity.

You are lacking in the understanding of the ways of God. It means you are shallow and still far in your relationship with God.

Whoever is corrected and wanted to quarrel because of it, is still a baby Christian, such is a carnal believer—being ruled or controlled by the Flesh (1 Corinthians 3:1,2).

Whatever Sin you committed, or thing you did wrong; the healing of your soul started with a genuine repentance: "HE WHO COVERS HIS SINS WILL NOT PROSPER, BUT WHOEVER CONFESSES AND FORSAKES THEM WILL HAVE MERCY" (Proverbs 28:13 NKJV).

It is when you acknowledged your Sins, then you can receive mercy from God. Acknowledging your shortcomings, genuine repentance, and the willingness to receive discipline or chastisement without being grumpy, means humbleness in the sight of God (2 Samuel 12:13).

However, whoever is arguing or trying to defend himself or herself, proving to be right, such a person is still having a truck load of pride in his or her life.

Someone who is still arguing, or angry for being confronted and corrected for what he or she did wrong, is not qualified for mercy before God (1 Samuel 15:18-23).

Note: when you Acknowledged your Sin and Confessed it: a. You would have freedom or liberty in your heart to come and receive help at the throne of Grace (Hebrews 4:16). b. Your heaven would be open. Having an open heaven means receiving favour from God. It is being backed up, or supported by God. c. Such a person would be remembered for God's blessings again.

You will not perish in Jesus' name.

Whatever is contrary to your health that was not planted by God is rebuked and rooted out completely in the mighty name of Jesus Christ.

The hold is broken totally and never to rise again in the mighty name of Jesus Christ. Peace! TO BE CONTINUED

STEPS TO SALVATION

Take notice of this: IF you are yet to take the step of salvation, that is, yet to be born-again, do it now, tomorrow might be too late (2 Corinthians 6:1,2; Hebrews 3:7,8,15). a. Acknowledge that you are a sinner and confess your Sins (1 John 1:9); And ask Jesus Christ to come into your life (Revelation 3:20). b. Confess that you believe in your heart that Jesus Christ is Lord, and that you confess it with your mouth, Thus, you accept Him As your Lord and Saviour (Romans 10:9,10). c. Ask that He will write your name in the Book of Life (Philippians 4:3; Revelation 3:8).

If you took the steps As highlighted above, It means you are saved—born-again. Join a Word based church in your area and Town or city, and be part of whatever they are doing there. Peace!

[thoughtstheydontwanttohear]

For CK, the true gem you are

If anyone makes sure he sees this let me know.

They all said i would eventually run away

No matter what my actions were, their thoughts i could not sway

I did more than what was expected

Every task of yours besides your job, i perfected

But still you shunned the things i did 

Chastised and yelled at me like i was your kid

You said it was because i didn't understand finances

Little did you know that i had stolen more than a few glances

Your troubles i couldn't correct overnight that fact was the topic for a fight

Everything i attempted, you shot down thus i could never make it right

It was all for naught, the love you claimed you had for me looking like an empty lot

All the evidence i saved, all the times i caved even after knowing i was right and you were caught

You still couldn't bear to tell the truth or did you honestly believe that would be the thing that would finally make my anger go through the roof?

It wouldn't be the degrading things you forced on me or your gum disease complete with its dead tooth?

I prayed for years for you to get better 

I tried everything even dumb love letters

Still, you couldn't help but take me to the lowest place i've ever been

As if destroying an already dying girl is truly a win

Im convinced now that there's absolutely no way you have a soul

Someone like you preying on vulnerability is nothing more than a mole

Sent by the worst demons themselves laughing at your inevitable heartbreak

You thought I would just let your gluttony stifle me as you choked down that last piece of cake?

You promised you would never leave my side and you would always right the wrongs

Creating an environment where i could feel the deceit, not needing to find your lovers thongs

Staying out of sight until the nights darkness would fall upon the house we rented 

Always with a long explanation as to where it was that you were in the time that was spent

I knew you were worse than trouble something broken and yet i didn't listen

I assumed your emotional risk was as low as your iq since you wouldn't be accepted to any school let alone princeton

My fault that i allowed myself to be so arrogant in the beginning

Allowing the world wind of your love bombing to leave me spinning

You're nothing more than the longest rebound this world has ever seen

Only because i was drunk and high were my senses not so keen

The knives you found in all my hidden places, the blood-stained footprints all over you checked everyone but never saw the obvious traces

Still i changed my pajama pants unable to take that chance

How incredibly insensitive your friends started seeing you for what you are

Just a narcissistic man so remotely far from a star

Your mediocrity finally showing through

I laugh now because your lack of human emotions are out and there's nothing you can do

Your family saw every attempt i initiated

I was the only one that ever cared even after you made me feel unappreciated

Remember when you slipped that disc in your back

Where were those friends you claimed would pick up the slack?

Oh that's right it was just me carting you around

Never complaining, always accepting your weaknesses, careful not to make a sound

Who was there every time you ran out of gas?

Who brought you work equipment in a pinch to save your ungrateful ass?

Who did all of your cooking, cleaning, wife responsibilities?

Nobody ever treated you the way i did, all of it was always me

But you run around town ripping my name through the dirt

Why did someone you wanted gone leaving you really hurt?

You'd say it all the time how you did it all without my assistance 

Yet you’re being spiteful and there is no coincidence

You thought you could run around calling me a drunk and an addict

You never thought there would come a time when i said this is enough I have had it

Smile in my face and twist the knife in my back 

There was more than your shrimp dick that you lack

Common decency for instance was the top of the list

The way you would never let me walk off, always grabbing my wrist

If i did that to you, you would grab me by my hair and slam me to the floor

Screaming i made you do it and that i was a whore 

How many of your things did I ever break ?

How many of the gifts did you give and decide to take?

It was always a double standard you had above my head

Making me not want to stay but to leave instead 

All i was to you was a vulnerable target 

Something so easily discarded like a piss soaked carpet

Seems like despite my best it was never enough

My spirit you tried to snuff

How's it feel to know i am never going to be embraced in your arms

How's it feel knowing if someone breaks in I will not be there to protect you now you have to rely on the alarm?

Do you still not know how to use your collateral gun?

Only partying with your incest-driven sisters still for fun?

How i knew there was something weird going on with you and them

Your womanizing well had to come from somewhere if not from mommy, where was the stem?

They say the root of all evil is money and greed

If only they knew what it was like to be rejected while carrying your disease-ridden seed

I dont think a day will ever pass that i don't allow myself time to put my toes in the grass

Thank god for the pain but more so that you and i did not last

As Taylor Swift wrote to your twin,

I would've died for your sins, instead I just died inside

you deserve prison but you wont get time

[typewriter83]

I mean, I kind of understand where that anon is coming from (I hate when fic writers keep promising stories they never write, this happens a lot in tlou fandom🙄) but what surprises me is that anon said that to you. I read a lot of stuff in tlou fandom (including fics where joel and ellie are father-kid like canon) and I can say with property that you are much more of a more responsible and committed writer than the rest of the writers here. Is one of the things I like about you, and honestly I wish other writers I follow were more like you. I mean, there are writers out there that didn't even finished 5 prompts of their "bad things happen" cards, meanwhile you're posting this summer a fic just after one of your fics is finished, which is pretty cool

Stating the obvious would be pointing out that this is a hobby for us - and yeah, it’s frustrating when writers can’t/don’t update, but 99% it’s frustrating to the writer more than anyone. We want to do this, we love doing this. It’s our hobby, our passion, and we don’t get paid to do it - we have jobs and families and sometimes the hobby has to be sacrificed to take care of ourselves and those around us.

I can’t tell writers how to write or how to post or what set of rules to follow, but I try to set them for myself. I currently have 2 stories in posting rotation because I’m dedicated to updating them, anything beyond that and I would have a real problem with updating. I’m committed to finishing both of them.

I talk about 2 other stories because I know they’re coming down the pipeline; they’re the next two in line to be put into posting rotation. So while I’ll tease and hint at the next modern AU and the Boston AU, you’re not gonna see it until I can commit to posting updates. To me (and this is me and me alone), that’s not fair if I stretch myself too far among active WIPs.

But writers who offer multiple WIPs aren’t doing anything wrong - they’re excited to share their work, excited to converse with readers about their works. We can’t chastise them for being unable to update. Unless they abandon the fandom, they want to update, they want to write, they want to share.

If that other anon wants to be upset that stories aren’t being updated/finished, it’s ok for them to be upset. What they should not be doing is berating the writers because all they’re gonna do is drive the writers away and then where are we? Kindness goes a long way, and I don’t post updates on my family and my personal life struggles to garner sympathy or pets on the head - it’s to make you aware that I see the readers, I’m here for the readers - we’re asking for grace and for patience. We want to write as much as you want to read, I promise.

🫶🏻

[offthefieldsmau]

⚽ 2.129

Ed pulled Stede into a nearby supply closet, closing the door behind him. Stede flicked on the light, turning to face the coach. Who was looking at Stede with all amusement in his eyes gone, now replaced with something new. Something angry; tight, flexing arm muscles crossed in front of his chest.

“What is it,” Stede sighed, “are you going to yell at me now?”

“Stede, for fuck’s sake,” Ed throws his hands up in the air, “yes, I am going to yell at you now.”

Oh. Stede wasn’t expecting that.

“And you had to drag me here because…?” Stede found a spare netted bag of jerseys to sit on.

“Because if I do want to yell at you,” Ed stepped closer, “I’m going to do it in private and not in front of all of suburban Southern California. What the fuck is your deal, mate?” Stede realized, unfortunately for him, that there was no getting out of this.

Alma was already so mad at him, Mary already chastised him, and while Ed had a right to be upset, Stede was at his wit’s end of being criticized for things.

He deserved this, at the very least. Blowing up like he did made an ass of him and Ed, and the angry glances Ed kept tossing him during the game definitely hinted at annoyance. Ed had the opportunity to ruminate on this all yesterday and during the game — but at that point, Stede was tired. He was done with the animosity and he thought that they could move on from it. 

Stede was wrong. Whatever minor irritants Stede thought he caused Ed, he was deeply, deeply wrong.

Ed looked furious.

Ed looked hot.

“You cannot act that way during games,” Ed scrubbed a hand over his face, “you almost got us carded! I had to talk the ref down from the ledge to keep you from getting ejected. At a kids’ soccer game.”

Is that what the little colored cards were for? No one ever explained it to Stede, he thought they were simply there to add some flare, truth be told.

Ed wasn’t done, “You can be mad at me all you want, but going off on the ref every time someone gets near one of our players is absurd,” he fumed, “and that’s not even to mention the way you blew your fuckin’ lid over the third goal! I can’t believe you know so little about this sport and think you have a right to scream from the sidelines like that.”

“Excuse me?” Stede asked, indignant, “I know how the game works. Besides, you were screaming just as much.”

“That is called coaching.” Ed leaned back against a rack of balls and crossed his arms, “You know so much?” He gestured with an open palm for an answer: “Okay, what’s the difference between a keeper and a goalie?”

Stede scoffed, crossed and uncrossed his legs. He waved a hand, “They’re— they— formations, of course.”

“They’re the same position.” Ed said flatly, “So, maybe you let me do my job, since I know what the fuck I’m doing.”

“You absolutely do not know what you’re doing!” Stede mirrored Ed’s body language; who was Ed to claim that?

“What!?” Ed stepped closer, “The fuck do you expect— the fuck do you want from me!? Do I need to remind you that we fucking won our game today!?”

Stede stood and got closer in Ed’s space, in his face, “I don’t care if you win the league,” he sneered, “as long as you threaten their safety like that—”

“None of the other parents care like you!” Ed argued, “So whats the fucking truth, Stede? What is your fucking problem with me!?”

The proximity was too much for Stede to not do something stupid.

“I think I made myself fairly clear yesterday,” he moved towards the door, “as I am not a fan of how you’re putting their safety in jeopardy with your coaching style. They’re going to get hurt.”

“Well, that’s soccer,” Ed almost pinned Stede to the door with his proximity, and then he dropped his voice low, “don’t know if anyone bothered to tell you this, but that’s how the game works, mate. Get used to it.”

Proximity was Stede’s enemy today, considering how they were even closer than before.

[glitchdollmemoria]

big stupid drunk trauma vent time, kids stay away etc etc, idk wtf to tag this as so just fucking warning for the r slur and ptsd bullshit and me being an alcie

man im tired of substance use issues being shameful im tired of the phrase "substance abuse" im tired of feeling like im doing something wrong im tired of feeling like i need to keep it hidden so people dont look down on me or worry about me or pity me or get angry again. im fucking tired of not being able to go a day sober from one thing or another. im tired of all this bullshit and im tired of feeling like i need to do something to get attention and simultaneously feeling horrified at the thought of anyone so much as looking in my direction right now. im tired of overstimulation and understimulation. i feel like im just some fucking crazy schizo retard who cant manage to do jack shit and i know im talking nonsense but whatever im fucking wasted so who even cares. i can barely remember whatever i said in the last sentence. im fucking tired of stupid fucking bluetooth headphones and the battery dying and leaving me without my music to regulate myself. fuck capitalist bullshit for phasing out headphone jacks and fuck me for losing track of my wired headphones that i could use with my computer if i even still have them, idk maybe some fucking cat chewed them up i dont remember. i have a stomachache from drinking too much and i keep thinking about that fucking person who chastised me saying theres better things to do than make myself sick like this as if i fucking have any alternatives. im tired tired tired of all this fucking garbage and i want to get it through my thick skull that im cared about but it doesnt work. i want to ask for help but i dont know how to without completely losing my shit from the shame and guilt so the best i can do is tuck this little whiny letter onto my dumbass blog and then try not to think im being guilt trippy. i want less distance, i wanna live in the same neighborhood as my friends and be able to check on them and get checked on, i want my partner to be here but i dont because he deserves better than what i am right now, i wanna stop having a hole in my stomach, i wanna feel okay at night, i want to stop thinking about all the shitty trauma that keeps piling up, i want to fucking feel okay and i dont know if its human nature to feel completely okay and maybe thats what were all chasing and maybe thats what drives us but it fucking hurts in the meantime. i want to stop being so fucking crazy all the time. i wanna drink until i throw up and then get comforted and be allowed to rest and feel sick for as long as i need to feel sick because the sick i normally feel isnt fucking good enough for anyone. i want yo fucking shut up already but i cant stop fucking talking because this is the only way i know how to ask for help!!! i know im seen as fucking pathetic by so many people because thats what people fucking tell me, im some miserable fuck whos pitiful and lesser and its fucking fine okay i get it, but i dont know what to do about it except drink and smoke and drink and smoke and get fucking left behind when im not sexy or fun or financially stable anymore. i dont like thinking about the shit people have done to me and i wanna know its done and over but i dont think it ever will be because theres always gonna be someone feeding into my stupid inferiority complex. i hate it and i dont know what the hell is salvageable anymore