#And I'm so very very glad they have each other again
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this-lovely-universe · 1 day ago
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Lore drop: The bite that damn near kills you
"M!" She got shook, getting pulled out the nightmare "M!"
"Wha- huh- what happened?" She jolted up.
Dorothea was next to her. M assumed that she was the one shaking her.
The other girls were there too, all watching her with concern.
Brook came closer. "You alright?"
"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"
They all looked at each other.
'You were kinda screaming..." Finley said quietly.
SHIT
"W-what was I screaming?" She swallowed nervously.
"Someone called Willa."
"And?" M asked.
"You were muttering about someone biting you?"
"Oh god..."
"Um, do you want to share something with us?" Anastasia asked gently.
"You'll hate me." She shook her head, her hand subconsciously hiding her very first scar. "I'm a monster."
Brook sat down next to her. "Have you killed someone on purpose?"
"What?"
"Have you killed someone on purpose?" She repeated.
"No..."
"Have you assaulted someone?"
"No."
"Have you purposely cause someone harm?"
She shook her head.
"Great! You're not a monster!"
"If you haven't done those things, it's gonna to be pretty hard to scare us off."
She couldn't help the smile creep onto her face, but the little goblin in her head kept talking.
They'll still think you're a monster once you tell them
You'll scare them off
You're going to be alone again
Her smile flattered.
"M? Hellooo? Earth to M." Dorothea grabbed her attention again.
"Sorry." She said quickly.
"You were going to tell us something." Brook urged her to continue.
"Uh..."
"We're not going to judge you."
"Yeah, it's okay."
"No pressure tho."
All four of them were trying to be support, but it was coming out so rapidly that they were pretty much talking all at once.
It was overwhelming. It felt like M's hearing had been turned up to 10.
"I'm a werewolf!" She spat out, causing everyone to fall silent.
"...that's it?" Finley asked. "Dude, there's literal demons here. Demons. Plural."
"Yeah. You're a normal person like 98% of the time. It's like what, 12 hours a month you turn into a wolf? that's basically your period personified." Anastasia pointed out.
She just stared at them in shock.
They don't care... they really don't care.
Her eyes stung with tears.
"W-what?"
"Did you ask to get bit? Like, why would we care?"
"I don't know." She admitted.
"If anyone give you shit, we'll-" The next words out Anastasia's mouth would get someone banned from YouTube.
"That was graphic." Finley blinked.
"damn right."
M chuckled. "I'm glad we met."
"Us too, M. Us too."
boom bam reveal number one is out
not the exciting reveal but it's a reveal nonetheless
also like lore drop
@arisdaughter @childofthewargod @dianedantedominic @theorphicforest
@that-girl-cupid @ithacas-prince @daonedaonlyskh @hispanic-child-of-hermes @aria-pane @unhinged-waterlilly
@chaos-pers0nified @ariathemortal @i-was-never-sane @gaygirldoodles @smileyalater
@if-i-could-cry-i-wouldnt @startswithahell
If you want to be added, removed or if I forgot to tag you, let me know :)
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overnightheartbeats · 3 days ago
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Seeing his grin amused her immensely. Laurel just felt relief all around, especially when each moment they had spent together felt fleeting, feeling like she could lose it from one moment to the next. Still, even if it turned out to be short-lived, she was willing to enjoy it to the fullest. Each smile, laughter, the way his eyes seemed to pierced her soul - greedily, she craved it all.
She caught that glimpse of surprise in his features, and for a second, she feared she had been too honest. But, the satisfaction that followed was much more familiar to her and Laurel couldn't help the smile full of relief that adorned her lips. "Back at the dock, what a smart ship," she mused out loud, wondering if she could take that to mean that he also had not moved on. Even after all this time. It was a second of mirrored satisfaction, followed by that immense guilt that wouldn't leave her alone. All these years, after ruining his life, and he still hadn't moved on? She couldn't help the pang of guilt that struck her. "I would be pleasantly surprised to find our ship back somewhere on that dock."
Even with the semi-hopeful conversation happening, her situation wasn't lost on her. He may have turned a new leaf and his life may look very different than it had all those years ago, but Laurel knew he was still close to his family, thinking back to his cousin stopping by his place and that dinner he went to with his dad. And on her side? Well, her mom still held some influence in her life - something she'd been unable to kick. Laurel's need for her mother's approval still dictated her life to this day. "Well, I was never really good with small talk," she teased, following his lead and taking another drink from her glass. Though, it was much larger than just a sip. Liquid courage? Maybe. Setting the glass back down on the table, Laurel willed herself to look back up at him, meeting those blue eyes she loved so much. Looking at him once more, she reiterated to herself that, yes she was willing to try again. Go all in for him. If her gaze was not communicating that, then one more sip of her drink, and Laurel was ready to say it out loud. Unable to continue dancing around what she wanted.
"You're glad?" she breathed out in surprise. Her realistic tendencies held her down, though a sliver of hope threatened to take over. "New territory is right, yet it feels very familiar. I just can't pinpoint why." Laurel hung to every word, his smile mesmerizing her like it had so many years ago. It felt like a turning point for them - an adult conversation between two people who hadn't seen each other since their teenage years. It was definitely something. Inevitably, a smile broke out on her lips. Pure joy in her features, and that hope from earlier burst through her chest. "Really?" she said breathlessly, unable to contain herself as she stood up from her chair and closed the distance between them, cupping his face in her hands and pulling him in for a kiss.
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A laugh pulled from her lips, shaking her head. "Okay sorry, I got carried away. Yes, me too. Well, I had already said that. But, honestly...no pressure. I'm not expecting us to just immediately go back to what we had. More so, I just wanted you to know that I'm still here and I still...feel things for you. So yes, expecting things from each other, I can work with that. We can just take it slow, right?" She felt like she was reaching rambling territory, her nerves were in full display and leaning on being chill and nonchalant to not completely freak him out. "Don't worry, I won't request any girlfriend titles or anything of the sort."
Pat couldn't help the grin that curled his lips at the way her demeanor lightened when he agreed and assured her he would stay another night. It was impossible not to look forward to another night with Laurel, not to bask in every single moment he could with her. It was impossible not to appreciate the flush that came to her cheeks, just like it used to when they were younger and he would wink at her, although this time it wasn't unaccompanied with a roll of her big beautiful eyes.
The dirty blonde was sure surprise crossed over his features, though it was quickly replaced with a sense of satisfaction and relief. She hadn't moved on? A part of him felt guilty for that, but the other part, the larger part, was glad that was the case, because he certainly hadn't moved on from her. His hand came up to run through his hair as he let out a slow sigh. "I don't know about our ship sailing, maybe its back at the dock or something." he offered with a half-hearted chuckle. Despite the fact that years had passed, they were both still in scarily similar situations to the moment he'd been placed behind bars. He was still dangerously entwined with his family and his father's family business, and Laurel was even closer to the law then ever before. Not to mention, her mother would never come around to the idea of her daughter dating Patrick O'Morhan; especially now that the word felon followed his already tainted last name.
Pat's brows rose slightly at her next words, followed by a soft chuckle when she mentioned how it wasn't good dinner conversation. "Better than pointless small talk I guess." he offered with a shrug before he took another sip from his glass and let his light eyes find her darker ones across the table. What did she mean when she said she wouldn't mind if he expected things from her? Was she willing to try again, even with everything seemingly stacked against them? And how did he even go about asking that?
"I'm glad you asked." he settled on, a slight smile taking his lips. "I know it's kind of new territory for both of us, I mean, I never expected you to even still live here." he admitted with a small shrug. "But I," he paused, swallowing the growing lump in his throat that made itself apparent whenever he was attempting to be vulnerable. "I'm open to..." he paused, unsure how to word it. "Expecting thing from each other." he finished with a half laugh.
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burntheedges · 2 days ago
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Pas de Deux Chapter 4
Din Djarin x f!reader | 2.6k | fic masterlist | main masterlist | ao3
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chapter summary: It's time for your first practice with Kuiil and Din, and you're nervous.
a/n: I feel weird putting this up today but this is the schedule I set and I'm a little afraid that if I put it off I'll just never post anything again. I'm gutted and angry but I do love this fic, so. here's the next chapter. See my notes at the end and on the masterlist about reader in this fic and ballet in general. Thank you @katareyoudrilling for being the best beta, as always!!
chapter tags/warnings: gen, ballet terms (see end notes and the masterlist for definitions and videos), a bit of angst, a bit of fluff
Chapter 4
You didn’t try to talk to Din again for a few days -- you were suddenly nervous. Adrian said he kept watching you during morning classes, but you hadn’t caught him in the act yet. For your part, you couldn’t stop yourself from watching him, so you figured he must not have been looking that much, because you would have seen him. Right?
You tried to put your stilted conversation with him in the hallway out of your mind. You didn’t want to let it get in your head before practices even started. 
On Monday the following week, you were walking down the hall from class to rehearsal when Kuiil fell into step with you. You briefly glanced around, wondering where he’d come from, and smiled when he greeted you.
“I am looking forward to working together.” The echo of your words to Din made you smile, ruefully. As always, Kuiil was direct but his tone was warm. “I am glad Greef agreed with me about casting. I know you will do well.”
You blinked. You thought it had been Karga’s idea. “Oh, well, thank you! I didn’t realize… he didn’t tell me it was your choice.”
Kuill nodded serenely. “Yes. You were my first thought to dance it with Din, when I began to picture it in my mind. You will each bring something important to the piece, something the other could learn from. Something you can share.”
You nodded, even though you weren’t exactly sure what he meant. You were used to that, when talking to Kuiil. “I’m very excited to be in it, and grateful that you thought of me. I’m honored, really.” 
He smiled at you as you stopped by the door of your rehearsal for Jee’s piece in the January mixed program. “We will start rehearsal this week, I will update the schedule on the board this afternoon. Before our first meeting, I only ask that you reflect on the idea of existing in the moment, and what that means for you personally and artistically.”
You blinked. This wasn’t your first unexpected request from Kuiil, but it was somehow always a surprise — you could never predict him, and once he was done talking, he was done. There was no use asking for more of an explanation. “I will,” you promised. He nodded and turned to continue down the hallway.
Existing in the moment. Well, you weren’t sure where to start, but you were going to have to try and figure it out before your first rehearsal.
On Thursday afternoon, you made your way to the small studio usually reserved for pieces with only two or three dancers. Kuill had scheduled short weekly practices to start focusing on the choreography while everyone was still busy with the upcoming programs for January and February. Adrian had escorted you until you passed his own rehearsal a couple of doors back, and you were glad he had — you’d needed the pep talk.
You can do this. 
The door was open when you arrived and you stopped just short to take a few deep breaths. As you did, you realized Din was already inside and you could just hear his low conversation with Kuiil
“… never done something like this before. I—”
Kuiil interrupted him. “Din. You must try to set your worries aside. I know what you have done and what you have not. And I know that you can do this. You must learn to trust in yourself, not in who they said you were. Instead, in who you are.”
There was a pause, and you tried to will yourself to move, but failed. You wanted to hear his response.
“I—” he sighed. “I’ll try. But you know…”
“I know,” Kuiil agreed. You had no idea what they were talking about. You shook yourself into motion — you didn’t want to eavesdrop too much.
You tried to make some noise as you took the last few steps to the open doorway and into the studio. They both turned to look at you as their conversation suddenly stopped.
“Hello, my dear,” Kuiil said, waving you forward. You said hello and moved to meet them by the sound system, dropping your bag nearby. “Welcome.”
You nodded. “Thank you again, Kuiil—”
He waved his hand and you stopped, smiling. You knew what he was going to say. 
“No, no, none of that. You are the best choice. And you, too, Din.” Kuiil turned to look at your new partner and you noticed that whatever they might have been discussing, Din had put on his expressionless mask yet again. He nodded.
“Now, we will talk before we dance.” Kuiil looked first at you, and then at Din. “Tell me, what does it mean to you, to exist in the moment?”
You felt relieved for a moment that you weren’t the only one given homework, and then nervous at the thought of sharing what you’d thought about. With one glance at Din you knew he wouldn’t be speaking first. Guess it’s on me, you thought, wryly, and squared your shoulders. 
“Well,” you said, tone tentative. “I thought about it, as you asked. I thought of the obvious — not thinking of the future or the past, but only the present. But then in class and in rehearsal I wasn’t sure how that applied because, well, dance is always in the moment, in some ways. It’s an action, it’s happening right now, even though it can reference and build on both the past and future.”
You paused and glanced up at Kuiil. He was nodding. Ok, good. You didn’t look at Din. “And so I thought about it yesterday, in my rehearsal alone for Midsummer and then with everyone for Jee’s piece. And…” you hesitated, and finally risked a glance at Din. You were almost startled to find him staring at you intently, eyes dark and unreadable. You blinked. “And I thought about the difference between being on stage alone and with other people. We dance the choreography, of course, but we also react. To each other and to the music.” You paused.
Kuiil tilted his head. “Go on.”
You took a breath. “Well, being in the moment in dance is more than just following steps you were taught. You have to be aware of your fellow dancers, and you have to move with them but also in response to them, and to yourself. And depending on the ballet, your ability to react or modulate or adjust or improvise could make or break it. But aside from all that, it also puts you in conversation with each other and the music. There’s a difference between dancers moving on stage in unison and dancers moving and working together, even if they’re doing different things. Does that…” you hesitated again, glancing between them. “Does that makes sense?”
Suddenly, Kuiil smiled, and you felt your shoulders relax. “Yes, my dear. An excellent observation. Din?”
You both turned to look at him. For a moment, he said nothing, and you wondered if he really hated talking this much. Then he looked down and murmured, “I agree.” He glanced at you and you shivered. To Kuiil, he said, “The best performances happen when the dancers inhabit the music. Together. When they speak to each other in movement.”
Kuiil nodded. “A sentiment I think your former company might disagree with.”
Din sighed and for a moment you thought you caught the hint of a smile around his mouth. But you blinked and it was gone. 
“True,” he nodded. “And it wouldn’t be our first disagreement.”
Kuiil nodded like he understood, and you resisted the sudden, overwhelming urge to ask what other disagreements he’d had with Concordia.
“Well done,” Kuiil said, looking at both of you. “I want you to continue thinking about this question as we work together. This will not be like a classical pas de deux,” he looked at Din, who nodded, “but instead something new. Some parts may be familiar. This piece will have three movements, each staged separately, and it will be difficult. Technically, yes, but also because of what I will ask of you.” He paused, and you felt your heart start to race, not with nerves, but with excitement. “The choreography will ask you to react to one another, at first as strangers, but later in harmony. It will be dynamic. First you will meet,” he gestured with his hands and moved them past one another. “Then you will circle each other,” he moved his hands around each other, sometimes coming closer, sometimes moving farther away. “And finally, you will come together and create something new.” He pressed his hands together and nodded. “Overall, it is about the connection you form and nurture between you, in these short moments together.”
No one spoke for a moment as you took that in. “That sounds beautiful, Kuiil.” Your mind was spinning as you thought of the possibilities for each part of the piece, and what it might look like on stage. 
“Thank you, my dear. I believe it is the two of you who will make it so. Now, for today’s practice, we will listen to the first movement, and then I will send you home to listen to the rest. Focus on what you hear and we will talk about it after.” He turned to the sound system and your gaze drifted once more to find Din, to your right.
You found him already looking at you. Your eyes caught, and as the music started, you swore he might have started to smile.
You felt better after your first not-quite-practice with Kuiil. You hadn’t danced at all but you felt more sure of yourself and the piece. 
The only thing you weren’t sure of was Din.
After rehearsal he had once again left quickly, and Kuiil had nodded at you as you followed Din out the door. He had already been halfway down the hallway when you stepped out.
A few hours later, you finished with PT and went looking for Adrian — he had promised you dinner (and a debrief) and you weren’t going to let him get out of it. You found him talking to Owen and pulled him away. 
“Sorry! He promised to feed me and I’m starving.”
Owen laughed, waving you away. You tucked your arm through Adrian’s and dragged him towards the street. 
“So,” he said, elbowing you. You elbowed him back. “How was it?”
You opened your mouth to respond, but weren’t sure where to start.
“Oh come on,” he said, when it took you too long to respond. You looked at him, confused. “I bet you haven’t even learned any choreo yet and you’re already in love with it.”
You rolled your eyes. “We talked about the piece and his vision for it.”
“Oooh, his vision,” Adrian teased you, and you laughed. “You’re so lucky getting to do this with, like, your favorite choreographer. It’s going to be so amazing, too, because I swear the two of you are on the same artistic wavelength. But what about your partner?”
You shrugged and you both stepped out onto the street and you smiled. “I’ll tell you all about it over dinner. Come on, you have to feed me.”
He laughed and tugged you down the street.
The following week you had a shortened rehearsal with Kuiil, due to the start of the January mixed program in the next few days. But it only took a few minutes for your tentative hope and confidence about the whole thing to start to slip.
You turned, holding your position in attitude, and began to draw inwards, collapsing your body as Kuiil had asked. Before you could begin the extension of the next movement, though, the music stopped. 
“Hold on,” Kuiil called. “Take a moment, both of you. Breathe.” 
You stood up straight and closed your eyes. You took a deep breath, trying not to hear his words as sharp criticism. 
It wasn’t going well.
The first movement of the piece was all about meeting someone new — someone with a different style, someone who moved in a different way. Unlike a classical pas de deux, it started with the variations, with solo moments on stage for each of you that played to each of your strengths. Then Kuiil had you meet each other for the first time. It emphasized your differences in ways that showcased your talents, but at the same time those strengths drew you apart. You were supposed to move past each other, to miss each other, but then somehow to catch each other’s attention anyway. By the end of the first, you were just starting to be pulled into each other’s orbit, intrigued but wary, unsure of the nature of the tiny connection you formed.
But you both seemed to be having trouble with the idea of being in the moment separately, yet still somehow together.
You knew you would start alone, dancing in turns, and wouldn’t even share the stage until a few minutes in. But rather than start with that solo choreography, Kuiil had started this first rehearsal with the choreography for the first few moments you were on stage together. You started up stage left with a turn into a full extension that became an arabesque en pointe. From there you ‘fell’ to the floor and rolled before standing and turning into a leap. Then a series of jumps and turns took you across the stage towards Din. 
Din, on the other hand, started in the wings from stage right and burst into action. While you were moving slowly through your extension and arabesque, he came flying onto the stage in a double saut de basque en dedan. From there he twisted and turned until he was supposed to cross paths with you.
You’d only learned a few counts of 8, and yet somehow you could both tell it wasn’t working. Whatever you’d managed so far, it wasn’t what Kuiil had envisioned. It felt disjointed. And the more frustrated you felt, the more you knew it would show in your body. You could feel it, and you could definitely see Din’s frustration almost radiating off of him in waves.
After a moment, Kuiil called you over to where he was standing. “Even though we start this piece with the two of you emphasizing different styles, you are still talking to one another. From the first moment, when you meet, you are interacting, you are curious. You are not dancing separately, no matter how tentative, no matter how new or foreign or hesitant the connection might be. You affect each other from the moment you meet. Your bodies cannot lie on stage.” 
He sighed, and you felt your shoulders tense.
“I want you both to practice until next week, and to think about how to form that connection.” He looked at Din, whose spine was so taut you wondered if it hurt. “But let us stop for now. I know you have your solo variations this weekend, Din, and you, my dear, have Jee’s piece. Go and focus on those things, and next week we will try again.”
You bit your lip and nodded. You opened your mouth to apologize, but he waved you both towards the door. “No, no, it is only the beginning. Do not worry, we will find it.”
You nodded. You needed to get out of this room, to get your mind ready for the next rehearsal. For the performance awaiting you over the weekend. As you stepped into the hall you heard Din begin to speak to Kuiil, but you walked quickly away. Eavesdropping definitely wasn’t going to help you clear your mind, this time.
...
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a/n: uh oh 👀 now what? some ballet terms:
Kuiil mentions that this pas won't be like a classical pas de deux -- as I mentioned last time, classical pas de deux have certain recognizable parts. This one is a bit more inventive.
attitude (derriere) - a position with one leg extended with the knee bent at a 90 degree angle, usually turned out. in this case reader is doing it to the back (derrière) and en pointe (on her toe shoes). here's a video!
extension - reader mentions the 'extension of the next movement' -- she's starting in attitude derrière, collapsing inwards, and then extending her leg back out into arabesque (next bullet), all en pointe.
arabesque en pointe - similar to an attitude but with the leg straight rather than bent. here's a very short video of basically the position reader is about to do.
leap - a leap is a broader term that can be used for a variety of jumps in ballet, but in this case reader is supposed to turn into a saut de chat -- a leap where the front leg does a developpe. (the video shows this well)
double saut de basque en dedans (~0:28) - Din enters the stage doing one of these. The video has a few different impressive jumps but this one is one of my favs, tbh. He's turning in the air twice with one foot touching the knee of the other leg, which is straight. 'En dedans' refers to the direction of the turn (towards the supporting leg, the one that stays straight). Here's Baryshnikov doing one.
counts of 8 - reader refers to learning a few counts of 8. In dance we count in 8s (what anyone musically inclined would think of as two 4/4 bars) and you often learn new choreography in 8s, or 8 beats. it's just the unit of measure everyone uses (which would obviously change if the time signature of the music was different). I've heard a lot of explanations for it (can tie more movements together, more room for choreography, easier to break down the moments between the beats) but honestly I don't know the historical reason. lol
music - Kuiil has chosen a piece with three movements. I actually have one in mind but I'm torn on sharing it because it's not like, 100% right, but mostly. I've choreographed a lot of this thing in my head. 😂
tag list coming in a reblog!
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stagefoureddiediaz · 23 hours ago
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Weird anon, here! I'm glad you're getting joy out of discussing a canonical straight man that the actor has confirmed is straight <3
Well for starters - we are talking about characters in a tv show. They are not real people, they do not exist in real life and what I and others choose to see in a character and in their arc - because we can read subtext and the clues the show is giving us is perfectly valid. Indeed the show and a character being talked about with a queer lens is a good thing on multiple levels.
Secondly - Eddie has never been confirmed as canonically straight - the show has never explicitly stated Eddies sexuality in canon - just because he has currently only dated women (as far as we know) doesn’t mean he’s straight. If they wanted to close down conversations and speculation about Eddies sexuality they have had ample opportunities to do so, but they have not for a reason - just remember Buck was in the same boat until 704 when he figured out he was Bi - ergo no longer straight.
Thirdly - the show is very good at exploring narratives around people figuring themselves out and finding themselves and their found family - later in life - Eddies journey happening now is in keeping with that narrative choice - Michael figured out he was gay in later life, Buck figured out he was bi later in life. Maddie had a second Chance with chin, Athena and Bobby found second chances later in life with each other, etc etc - it’s literally what this show does. So why should a large section of fandom exploring Eddies journey through a queer lens rile you up so very much? Why is the fact we’re are finding joy in discussing a characters sexuality annoy you so much when it’s hasn’t been confirmed in any particular direction annoy you so much - telling a story or unrepression through Eddie would be an incredibly valuable storyline - especially for a Latino man - Ryan has talked about machismo in recent interviews and wanting to break down those cultural norms and narratives through the characters he plays - so us discussing and speculating about Eddies arc being a queer one is perfectly valid. You don’t;t like it - block the tags and stop following people who do want to explore that aspect of a CHARACTER ON A TV SHOW - it really is very easy to do.
Also Ryan haas been using gender neutral pronouns when describing Eddies partners or possible future partners for a while - he has only referred to Eddie as heterosexual a couple of times - and specifically when Eddie was in a heterosexual relationship - so it is perfectly normal to use those terms. Oliver has said similar things in the past as well about Buck when Buck was dating women. So there is little to read into there - the actor is talking with the information they have at the time - but things can change - like I said - Ryan has exclusively been using gender neutral pronouns for a while (again much like Oliver started doing as well) and he has also said this in an interview;
‘I love the ambiguity of Eddie and that there’s connective tissue there - for queer people or not - to relate to and to fall in love and find themselves in who Eddie is. there is a vulnerability in Eddie, there is also a chaos in Eddie. there is so much realness in Eddie. And I love that there are so many fawns out there of all demographics that find themselves in Eddie.’
I Hope you enjoy tonight’s episode.
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bluestjayy · 18 hours ago
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Life update:
I didn't make my deadline.
After approximately 200 applications, only 6 (first stage) interviews, 3 (second stage interviews), and more rejections than I could cope with some days, I unfortunately haven't been able to find a job since being laid off in September. This means I can no longer stay in my apartment. Which. Sucks.
I'm lucky enough to have my parents to fall back on, so I'll be moving back to their bungalow until I can find something to support me and save up enough money to come back to the city, so that's something. But it's also not going to be great for me while I'm there.
My hometown is an incredibly small mining town in the rural north-east, it's ridiculously close minded and conservative. I'm not out to any of my family for this reason, so I am for sure signing up for a minimum of a year being misgendered and stomaching casual bigotry from everyone I'm surrounded by.
And I love my parents, but our relationship isn't the best. They have a lot of really unhealthy, toxic, and occasionally abusive behaviours, and the way they treat each other and me is really... well it's not always good. Which is part of the reason I not only moved out but to a city that's 3 hours away in the first place. Their home is not intended for anyone but the two of them, it is incredibly small, and I will be living in a second room that only fits a camp bed and a small desk with very little privacy as this room is also where some of the utilities are. It's something, and I am so lucky to have this option at all vs complete homelessness. But I also know the toll this is all going to take on me physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I have already had to start looking at my current possessions, over 4 years of the life I built here, and decide which parts I get to keep and which I now have to leave behind.
Being back there is going to be... I don't know. I get into dark places whenever I go home for the holidays for a few days so living there again... I really don't know.
I guess the only thing keeping me going is the idea I will be able to come back to the city I'm in right now, the one I call home, eventually. It's just going to take some time.
And I have a plan, I am already job hunting for remote roles I can do back there, I'm open to taking on two or three if necessary, and I've started working on opening an Etsy store for some of my crafting creations that may also help me fundraise the money to leave a lot faster. Perhaps I'll even consider commissions again.
But it's definitely going to be a long long year getting myself back on my feet again.
One of the only upsides currently is how much time I have to be working on fic and art (whenever the muse allows me!) so that's something I guess haha.
Anyway, thoughts and love and support and virtual hugs go a long way for me rn, and if you're so inclined (absolutely 100% not necessary but every little helps) here is the link to my tip-jar:
Ko-Fi
Even just giving this post a share would really help me right now. Those who know me know I find it really difficult to ask for help even when I'm in desperate need of it but I think, after six weeks of this reality slowly creeping up on me, I have reached a point where I am ready to say I really need it.
The fandom communities I have found myself in the last year have been an absolute rock for me. And I am so glad I get to be a part of them with you all.
In the end, it will be okay. That's what I have to keep telling myself. Positively rebellious and rebelliously positive.
Thank you for reading, I hope you have a wonderful day and I appreciate you all so much 💛
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saltpepperbeard · 1 year ago
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no thoughts just lucius and pete walking away together hand in hand towards the end of episode 8 😭😭😭
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derrygirlstrash · 3 months ago
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Not to start shit, if you know me you know I'm a "ship and let ship" kinda gal and saying this I truly have no problem with James/Orla as a ship it harms no one and plenty of people like it, I like people having fun... that said...
I have never understood the common argument that James/Erin as a ship makes no sense and James/Orla should have been the ship instead. Often one of the arguments is that James/Erin wasn't set up while James/Orla was and I'm sorry... what? James/Erin have at least one ship heavy episode each season as well as plenty of background moments and several significant moments in Erin's Diary.
Even if you ignore all the background moments of the two holding hands, being inside each others personal space, the times where they're clearly matching and whatnot. There is at LEAST the implication that Erin would ignore her supposed crush for James, that she cares what he thinks, that Erin is James's type, that they're aligned in creative values and match each others energies, that Erin thinks he's handsome, that James thinks she's beautiful, that she can't imagine her life without him, etc.
James/Orla have some touchy moments... that's kinda all they have as far as romantic coding and I don't see how those two hugging in the Season 2 finale is somehow more significant than what setup James/Erin have throughout all the seasons.
Honestly, while I can see Orla liking James - you could build a case for it and convince me even though I see Orla as ace/aro in my own personal headcanons... no one has ever been able to give me a convincing argument for James liking Orla back. It kinda feels like you have to ignore that he never has a reason to fancy Orla back and just project onto him that.
Which, again, go off if that's your bag I think their friendship is fun and I could see making a ship out of it, but the common argument is that the SHOW makes a better case for James/Orla and like, no? No it really doesn't? It's just not main girl/main boy and some people really don't like that trope or Erin as a main and I think that if you say the show didn't set up James/Erin well and you argue the show would have been better with James/Orla based on what's in the show, you just might not like Erin very much?
I've also never been able to make sense of the argument that James/Erin is somehow the trope that 'guys and girls can't just be friends' like, is that not also James/Orla? Y'know, besides that Orla isn't a girl. They do use she/her during the show time period though and some people who argue this think Orla is a girl, they just think they're not THE girl. So somehow it's better even though it's the same thing.
Basically what I'm saying is that shipping is fun and we all oughta do it. Every ship besides the obvious ones is potentially fun and I'm down for it, but there is one ship the show was setting up and we all know what that ship was and I think it would be better if we all were honest about it.
PS: "James was gay the whole time!" Truthers, if you made it through this post somehow I'd like to offer a compromise: James Maguire is the most bisexual coded male character in media history we can all win here.
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hivepixels · 5 months ago
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#i wrote the arsl essay really emotionally if it's illogical i'm very sorry it's just my impression T0TTTTT.........#mumblings#EVEN THE SOLLUX ONE IS CRINGE TO ME I CANT LOOK AT IT ANYMORE i'm just glad people who've gotten something out of it can feel#more reassured in their enjoyment of these characters bcs theyre awesome & i like when people think abt them esp in relation to each other#i was so 👀!!! by how sollux detected his relevancy was reduced compared to the rest of the meteor crew and chose to step away with aradia#and since her arc was pretty much finished around the same time as his i rlly love how they complete their jobs then go off have fun#(well sollux is extra funny bcs he doesnt WANT to be a Main Character but mf can't resist adding his two cents backseat commentary LOL)#anw.. idk if ive ever mentioned but i dont care for pale arsl whatsoever skjskj highkey resent the popularity of that depiction but i don't#have grounds to complain since it gives people a reason to keep including aradia with sollux somehow#once again coming from a dvkt background i often saw aradia and sollux entering as a pair so it was wild to switch to slkt and#find out a lot of sollux shippers don't like aradia as much. or at all#<- was scrolling old posts and saw that people have been discussing this same exact thing years ago LMAO the cycle repeats itself#i think sollux should 🥺👉👈 for aradia forever its funnier to think he likes her so much and she's just. occupied by more important things#ANYTHING SHE NEEDS HE WILL COME.... SHE JUST HAS TO ASK. BUT WHAT CAN SHE POSSIBLY ASK FOR WHEN SHE'S ALREADY SO CAPABLE....... HSJAHAA#back when she approached him for tech and research assistance he could feel useful but now. he's huddled in the corner sad puppy#its so ;;; when ppl make him super relieved to see aradia like WAAGHHHHHH SHE'S HERE... SHE'S HERE FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!#sollux wanting to be more important to aradia is a thought i revisit a lot he just wants to know if there's anything there#but he can't pick Just One Thing and regardless of the outcome good or bad he'll always regret screwing it up#in reality its not his fault lol just like karkat dude's got the self-sabotage instinct for things no one holds him against for so. yeh#STILL don't take my opinions as truth gospel alright i'm a fangirl not a meta writer!!!!!!!!!
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kuromi-hoemie · 8 months ago
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i can hear the frogs ૮˶• ﻌ •˶ა ♡⁠ there's this fenced off area nearby with tall grass and a pond in the middle they have to themselves. there are so many of them!
u can hear them in the distance from my back patio but i followed the sound one night and found the source 😌 it's good to hear them again.
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ereborne · 7 months ago
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Song of the Day: April 15
"Something in the Way She Moves" by James Taylor
#song of the day#it's been two weeks + two days since the last song of the day#the issue is you see that I started the songs up again in December because my insomnia was fucking up my perception of time#and I wanted some kind of regular marker to help me keep track#and then what happened two weeks + two days ago is that I lost all track of time and subsequently the songs of the day failed#I'm gonna see if I can keep up again for a bit now that I've re-restarted without an alarm on my phone#but if I miss any this week I'll just give in and turn the alarm back on#updates from the last two weeks are going to sound so chaotic let's see#I got a new project at work /and/ I got demoted /and/ I got added to a higher access level /and/ I'm in charge of a new database#yes all of those things together. I'm to be an accountant now! not instead but in addition to my other stuff. should be interesting#I didn't get April Fools off like I was scheduled to because all my scheduled vacation got unapproved#(I was here for about twenty nonsequential minutes to boop people and I'm glad I made time for it. extremely fun to boop)#I lied shamelessly to get eclipse day off and we went on a full-day roadtrip and it was wonderful. everything I dreamed and more#I killed one of my baby succulents through clumsiness and rabbits ate my pea plants but my sage and cabbages look promising#got a massive pot of mint flourishing on my porch and the horseradish is gorgeous#got Duncan lights and plants and a filter system for his frog tank but we haven't set up the substrate yet#so there's just potted plants sitting inside a terrarium. very amusing honestly#I've been playing a little Stardew and eating a /lot/ of hot sauce and tofu#drinking tons of klass aguas frescas--especially the soursop one. holy shit is it good. the mango and hibiscus also#and these past few days I've been sleeping better#for most of those two weeks I was getting a handful of twenty-minute naps each workday and then crashing unwillingly on the weekend#I haven't read any comic books since February :'( this weekend we're going to costco and then I'm reading comics until Monday#what have y'all been up to? I've missed being around#edit: oh shit the actual song part. anyway this is James Taylor! makes me happy and helps me settle. good vibes songs#I'm half-panicked about work all the time recently and then also today was tax day (Nick's taxes. blegh)#James Taylor doing some heavy lifting round here
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levil0vesyou · 1 year ago
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Having a post get popular enough to be independently reblogged by someone you follow but aren't mutuals with is. Wild
#yes it was the sex poll obvs#given the person is a minor i'm very glad they picked answer one lmao#like i do think minors in general are allowed to want and even have sex (with each other obvs) but when it's a minor i personally follow it#would just make me feel pretty weird lmao. like on a personal level ya feel? i mean when u reach an even closer level it becomes not weird#again like my dear friend ness (17yo) who afaik doesn't actually HAVE any sex but occasionally wants to and i support her hot girl summer.#but as stated this person barely knows i exist i just follow his blog (i used they earlier but this was incorrect but tumblr won't let me e#edit the tag 😔) and he's 16yo so seeing him talk about wanting and/or having sex would have been. uncomfortable. like obvs he'd be allowed#to because my personal discomfort is no indication of morality but you get it. like if my big little cousin (she's 15 now by god the years#don't stop coming) were to talk about sex and stuff to me or within earshot i would ummm. throw myself out the window? but like i'd still t#try to be supportive and if push comes to shove then yes i would give her condoms 😔 cuz like if a minor wants sex i will not be able to sto#stop them lmao but i can at least try and make it somewhat safe y'know#actually i remembered i have literally given a 15yo a condom before lmao she's prolly over 20 now but like as the adult dormmate it was alm#almost like a responsibility y'know like what do you want me to DO?? let her get pregnant?? anyway enough tangent lmao#btw all this is also why in the poll i included 'too young' but didn't specify an age cuz that's individual y'know. some people are p late#bloomers (i was one) while others choose to have consensual sex by 14 y'know. not something i like to think about but that doesn't mean it#won't happen ya feel. i mean what am i the american education system? lmao. so some ppl have interpreted being 17 as too young but there's#also folks like this who clearly consider 16 old enough and that's defo ppl's good right. and again i usually don't mind just the fact that#he in particular is someone i already knew made it uncomfy. but anyway yea back on topic it's very interesting in general when your post#gets big enough to independently make it to ur dash thru a non mutual lmao. love the hellsite honestly where else amirite#personal#mine#ok to rb ig#like the actual body of the post anyway. i'd be pretty uncomfy if said person saw my tags on this cuz y'know it's kind vagueing even if it'#not negative but anyway. anyway#*kinda
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tvrningout · 1 year ago
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"ay, dios mío . . . i'm glad to be back home again." a relieved sigh escaped from his lips as rayo let himself fall back into the cushions of his bed, suitcase discarded into a corner of his room. it had been a whole month since being able to see his roommates and of course, the beloved woman who had been standing at the edge of his bed. "i brought you some gifts from quisqueya . . . " the mother of lands, dominican republic where his roots lay. alas, his brows furrowed a little as he saw chiyo continuing to stand there. quickly, would he sit up, supporting himself before one of his hands reached for her wrist, yanking her on top of him. as she lay on his chest, toned arms were quick to embrace the shorter female, burying his nose into her hair before inhaling her scent. "i need to make up for lost time, mami." / soft but spicy? yes ♥
unprompted | @metrictita makes up for lost time!
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" you didn't need to do that, " she says, but a small smile tugs at the corners of her mouth. it's a sweet sort of knowledge, to know that she wasn't so far from rayo's thoughts despite the distance. " i'm just happy to have you home. " and chiyo's happy to see him sprawled across his bed, content and comfortable upon familiar sheets. he must be tired, she thinks. she wonders if maybe he'd like to be left alone for a nap, even gets ready to ask, when rayo scowls. he's got her wrist in his grasp before chiyo can ask what's wrong.
how silly of her to think he'd want her gone after a month of being apart.
the mangaka lands with an " oof " upon rayo's chest before breathing a laugh and peering up at him. " you coulda just asked me to come lay with you, dork. " not that she's complaining, really. the feeling of his arms around her, the way he breathes her in -- she's wanted this since she, gaia, and niko saw rayo off at the airport. she remembers thinking she should've stolen one last hug, should've held onto him for a little longer. chiyo remembers how silly she felt because it wasn't as if rayo was leaving forever, yet the regret stuck with her the whole month.
" i need to make up for lost time, mami. " a little tingle shoots up her spine as chiyo hums.
" you do. " squirming until she can get a proper look at his face, chiyo grins, gaze warm and perhaps a little teasing if not challenging. " but how're you gonna do that, hmm? a month's a long time, and i missed you a lot. dunno how i'll ever recover. "
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elytrafemme · 2 years ago
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do you all ever just tear up really strongly because of like. friendship and human connection or something
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sovamurka · 2 years ago
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Doomsday // Конец Света (2022)
Varvara 'Varya' Bazhenova & Azazello 'Azik' Mitrohin
- Why didn't you tell me about all of this?
- Because you fell for a demon. For the beautiful and magnificent one!
- Are you dumb? I fell for someone who talked to me when nobody else gave a shit and who looked at me differently!
- And you don't care for who I am?
- And you left me because of this?
- I didn't. I just... panicked. I felt awful, scared, anxious and...
- It's completely normal. You're human now, remember?
#I don't understand how but it seems like creators INTENTIONALLY made them a queer couple with Azik being coded as enby/trans and also ace#they also directly specified that Varya is an intersectional feminist and I was so glad to hear that#and I suspect that one of the reasons they specified it was for her relationship with Azik to work#exactly because of queer implications#AND I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. this shit was actually depicted there!#there. in a russian tv-series about about Satan coming to Moscow to create the Apocalypse.#this shit is crazy! but so fucking nice!#and it's kinda funny how queer implications don't go away even after Azik is turned human#although it was made under very unfortunate circumstances but him losing his demon status is treated like gender assignment surgery#that he has a lot of complexes and emotions about and that's the reason why Varya saying that it's okay to feel this way is damn important#listen. I know all of this because here we constantly use supernatural elements to talk about stuff we're not allowed to talk about.#and this series is FUCKING FULL of things we're not allowed to talk about.#Azik and Varya and their relationship are just a VERY small part of what this series actually has to offer.#(also: once again we make a couple that looks straight from the outside but is actually queer on the inside assdfgh)#off topic: I'm kinda sad that they cut their first kiss scene. it was meant to show how sincere and vulnerable they're around each other#😭😭😭 why can't we have nice things?!?!?!#anyway... Vladimir Kanuhin and Ekaterina Novokreshenova did an excellent job with their characters! ♥️💙#doomsday (2022)#конец света (2022)
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seawitchkaraoke · 2 years ago
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No but sometimes I am so tired of playing therapist/neurotypicals translator for my neurodivergent friend like. It's exhausting, to have to be the one to explain why your friend got upset when you just signed her up for the same study group as yourself without asking her first or letting her sign up for what group she wanted herself.
Like. I am good at patiently explaining these things, which is why she always asks me about these things but it's exhausting. But also therapy isn't very accessible and she doesn't have anyone else who really gets her problems understanding stuff to the same level I do so....
Then another friend who doesn't do this on this level but who does go on about how great it is that we can kinda laugh about neurodivergent problems together and such and how amazing it is and how she never really talked about these things with anyone else, which I agree it's great to have someone to talk about it but? The way she phrases it, puts a lot of pressure on me and makes it kinda weird? Like it's this great secret we're sharing? Especially since we haven't known each other all that long?
And like. Idk. I get it, I get to you it's amazing to have someone to talk about this to, someone who gets some of your struggles, someone who talks very openly and happily about being neurodivergent but. Man. I'm great but I'm not an expert in all things neurodivergent. I'm not?? Idk I'm not "special" for having adhd or for talking openly about it, I'm just some perfect life coach, I don't have my own life together, all I've got going for me is that I know what my problems are and that I'm not super afraid to talk about them
Idk. It's just exhausting. Like.... These two in particular just have vibes of kinda putting me on a pedestal (though in different ways) and that just makes me uncomfortable but also idk how to set boundaries there bc "stop telling me that I'm awesome" is. Hmm. It's not like that's what they do. They just imply it. They imply that things I do or say that really aren't anything special are somehow amazing and like??? Idk man I'm just me? Compliment me for the things I do that are actually awesome, not like... For agreeing to do a fun thing with you? I don't do it out of?? Pity? Or whatever? I want to do the fun thing?
#idk it's weird#the second one especially bc like... the first one I've figured out how to set boundaries mostly#she exhausts me sometimes but it's ok#but the second one? it's so weird like? idk she makes me uncomfortable sometimes#like we originally started meeting up to study and obviously ended up chatting quite a bit during that too#and she sends me like. several paragraphs long messages shortly after our meetups end several times?#that almost read like she's reviewing our conversation? it just. i don't like it#like... idk. it makes me uncomfy when ppl who don't know me that well go on about how good it was to talk to me about x or y#or how they usually don't have such great convos or whatever#like.... it feels... like they are very quickly creating an idea of who i am and what i am like in their head#and even if that idea of me is very positive it's still not accurate and it puts a lot of pressure on me to then... be that person i guess?#idk idk#and now this whole neurodivergent thing... like she basically said ''ive never told anyone this'' and i said well you don't have to#tell me your exact diagnosis or anything it's fine#and she didn't and I'm glad bc that would put even more pressure on me#but like she made it a whole Thing and i get even saying ''i'm neurodivergent'' out loud is big for her and that's great#but again. why me. we've known each other for like 3 months. please slow down there#yes I'm awesome but you're projecting ways in which i am awesome that are not real#and you don't even know about some of the ways i am indeed awesome#idk i really don't. we'll see.#trouble is i do like her and i do wanna be friends but man stop assigning me as your best friend forever please you'll get disappointed#this post went far away from it's original point and is now about so many different things#it's fine#rant#personal
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floralfemmes · 7 months ago
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white lesbians tend to fail to comprehend the existence of lesbians of colour
when they think of the lesbian community, they think of their fellow white lesbians
that's part of why lesbians of colour get accused of lesbophobia when we talk about racism in the lesbian community. because they see us as outsiders attacking a community we don't belong to, rather than community members addressing a widespread issue that impacts us every single day
it's a very similar experience for Jewish and Muslim lesbians. people believe there is an inherent conflict between our faith and our lesbianism, so we are discounted from lesbian spaces and conversations
so when Jewish and Muslim lesbians talk about islamophobia and antisemitism in the lesbian community, we are again accused of lesbophobia, because we aren't seen as members of the community. people who know nothing about our religions decide that we can't be Muslim and gay or Jewish and gay.
being a brown Muslim lesbian, I experience this regularly. white lesbians don't see me as one of them, so any critique that I have of their racism/islamophobia/antisemitism is dismissed as a lesbophobic attack from outside the community
I'm tired of the whiteness of so many lesbian spaces. I'm tired of being ignored and dismissed and excluded and vilified and told who I can and can't be
but I'm so grateful for my fellow lesbians of colour, my fellow Muslim lesbians, and the Jewish lesbians that I stand in solidarity with
I wish we didn't have to build our own community to escape the white supremacy, but I'm so glad that we have each other. that we support each other when the white lesbian community excludes us
we're still here. we always have been, and we always will be.
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