#And I'm Hyperfocusing On This Instead Of My Responsibilities

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

Good morning.

Some scientists believe ADHD is caused by the brain processing dopamine inefficiently.

The brain requires chemical homeostasis and if you're processing less dopamine than you need, you are perpetually doing things to help stimulate dopamine production, whether that's impulsiveness, speaking out of turn, making jokes at inappropriate times, picking fights, fidgeting, zoning out, etc.

Worse, when you're asked to do something that's unpleasant and won't allow you to do something rewarding at the same time, like paying a bill or doing math homework, your brain riots because it NEEDS the dopamine and this is actively preventing you from getting what you need. Until you're down to the wire and adrenaline floods your brain, allowing you to Do The Thing on that momentum alone, you're stuck.

You don't get to choose to ignore your brain's need for chemical homeostasis; you have to treat it or work around it somehow.

Stimulant medications address the brain's immediate need for happy chemicals. This is why stimulants calm ADHD people down. Suddenly the brain is no longer screaming for dopamine, and you are actually enabled to do the things, including the boring or difficult things, that you've been wanting to do all along. This is also why caffeine puts a lot of ADHD people to sleep. The brain, finally having what it needs, is calm.

i get why people are scared of stimulant medications but like, when you have ADHD and you're properly dosed, it's not addictive. Because your brain chemistry is different. You're not getting a high, you're actually calming down, for once in your entire life.

It's not like ADHD meds don't come with side effects and downsides. If i could function without them, I'd prefer to, because the side effects are a bummer. I also don't like feeling like i rely on a crutch, especially when shortages, politics, misinformation and ableism make the future of access to them so uncertain; but i feel similarly about my glasses. Kinda wish i didn't need em. You know?

But even with all that said, meds have been a miracle for me. Over the last couple years, my self-confidence has grown. The feeling of fear and failure that's hung over me literally my entire life is lifting, because I'm finding i consistently have the capacity to meet people's expectations and do what's most important. I'm less anxious about unpleasant tasks, because i can be confident in my ability to do them before they pile up. I'm able to be present more often, at work and in the rest of my life. I can show up for my friends. I'm no longer constantly scared that others will Find Out that I'm Faking It, because yeah, I'm a hot mess, but i can get crap done when i need to now usually. I'm actually making significant progress towards goals I've had for years and never been able to start on. I'm discovering that with some strategy, i can have some consistent habits. I'm having more compassion with myself and cutting myself some slack when i do fall short.

Meds haven't fixed everything for me; progress has come slowly with a combination of meds, therapy, getting older, and settling down in life. And i still struggle a lot, with things like keeping my space clean and consistently doing tasks that i don't like or that cause me sensory issues etc. I still struggle with a LOT of shame around my ADHD, every day when i step over that pile of laundry or try to remember where i left my phone. But I'm not constantly scared I'm about to be fired anymore. I'm not ending the workday exhausted from anxiety and spinning my wheels after a long day of under-performing. I'm not so plagued by the feeling that I'm letting everyone down or that I'll never be able to achieve my goals. Compared to a few years ago, i am so happy, calm and confident--i wouldn't have recognized current me.

Meds are a miracle. Thanks for coming to my ted talk

[bumblequinn]

hi @sourpatchsquids! thank you for your question.

as an artist with ADHD, i know this struggle very well. unfortunately offering advice on this kind of thing can be tricky, because what works for me may not work for you (and vice versa!). nonetheless, i can try; take whatever works for you, forget the rest, or reshape any part of it as you see fit. :)

but before i offer any actual tools, i have one caveat. i want you to take a moment to reflect and consider if you should be:

changing expectations

the timing of this question seems fated, because just the other day i had a therapy session wherein i expressed my grief and frustration over struggling to work lately due to my seasonal depression. it's not fair that i'm struggling just because it got a little darker outside! i just want the spark i had in the summer! i was so much more consistent!

my therapist's response: nothing about human beings is consistent. we get sick, we get tired, we get hungry and thirsty (and thirsty) and sad and lonely and restless and stressed and overwhelmed. this all gets amplified for folks who are atypical in some way or another.

when my therapist compared our seasonal cycles to those of plants and other animals, who wilt and slow down and hibernate, i protested aloud that i wanted to be a perennial instead. at this she said: even perennials change with the seasons. rose bushes have to be pruned, sometimes down to half their height! it was a dose of perspective i didn't particularly want, but really needed.

so when you're struggling to work through executive dysfunction, burnout, or brain fog, it can help to first check in with yourself about a few things. what do you have the capacity for right now? do you need any accommodation? and if so, what changes you might make to accommodate yourself?

with practice and self reflection, i've learned a handful of specific routines that help me when i'm struggling with creative work, which i'll detail next. note that while your question is specifically about music and i am specifically a musician, i believe that all of these suggestions can apply to most any form of digital creative work.

with that in mind:

#1: work slower

when i'm at the top of my game, i can get a LOT done in a day. but when i'm depressed, fatigued, or distracted, i just can't go full steam. sometimes i'll try to convince myself that i can if i just push harder, but what actually ends up happening is that i'm just fiddling with settings and going in circles rather than moving forward.

instead of that, when i want to work a lot but can't, i try to work slow. how slow? however slow i need to. take four hours to figure out the melody for a single verse. take all day to figure out that drum groove. yeah, i take a lot of breaks in between. who says i have to be my Absolute Most Productive Every Day Or Else? that's the puritan work ethic talking. kill it. be kind to yourself.

i'm reminded of advice i once read about some super successful and prolific author (gaiman? king? pratchett?) who said they wrote only four hundred words every weekday. that's already less than the word count of this post, and i'm only—[travels into the future to check my final word count]... 22.8% of the way through writing it!

now, i don't think i could function that way, because ADHD means some days i'm hyperfocused like crazy, and other days i just have no steam at all (more on that in #4-6). but it seems to me that if even someone highly respected in their profession can achieve what they have with only a little bit of work on a regular basis, maybe i don't have to punish myself for not pumping out a finished work every single week.

doing less work per day means you're much less likely to burn out, which does a lot for working more consistently. if that consistency still doesn't look like a five-day work week, that's okay! as long as it helps you work even a little more often when you want to, it's something worth doing.

however, if you're still feeling truly stuck, all hope isn't lost. you can still try:

#2: switch projects

sometimes the reason i'm moving slow is because of a bad brain day, but sometimes the reason is that i just cannot muster the motivation to do the specific task i'm trying to do right now. ADHD is fueled by novelty and interest, and if i'm not interested in what i'm doing, or it's feeling stale, that's a sign that i need to switch gears.

this is why first it's helpful for me to have more than one project going at a time. this might mean completely unrelated works, or it might just mean related tracks as with the music for a game like SLARPG or susan taxpayer.

the idea here is not to start a dozen different projects and bounce around them like i'm playing whac-a-mole—though i have done that. (i don't recommend it.) the idea here is to have a manageable number of different projects i can be working on so that if i get bored or stuck on something, i have fallback options.

what that number of projects is depends entirely on the week. maybe right now it's two, maybe another time it's three. i would probably be getting carried away if i tried more than that, but that's just my own limit. maybe yours is different. that's something for you to think about.

but it doesn't have to stop there.

#3: switch focus

maybe there is this one project that i just HAVE to work on, but the task i'm trying to do at this stage just isn't coming to me. okay, well, why don't i try working on a different task?

let's say i can't figure out what i want to do with the melody in one part of the song:

what if i try jumping ahead to a different part of the melody? ...no, i'm stumped on melodies today. okay, how about working on the drums instead? ...hmm no, i think i'm just completely tapped out on writing parts right now. alright, what if i organized my tracks, making sure they're all grouped and named in a way that i can work with easily? what if i did a rough volume balance for the mix?

and so on. if that's not enough to shake the off stuckness, i might consider: what can i do to make this project more interesting to me?

what happens if i try using an instrument or effect that i almost never reach for? what if i try sampling something obscure? what if i bang out the drums using my midi keyboard instead of drawing it in on the piano roll?

any approach that breaks me out of my usual habits is bound to get that feeling of novelty and fun back when i need it.

or maybe i can't do any of that right now, and so i take the time to answer a question from a fellow musician instead. i consider that part of my work, too, in a broader sense. check in with yourself and figure out what you can do right now. the rest will still be there later.

but okay, let's say you try switching gears, and switching again, and again, and nothing is moving. you try new approaches, but that wall of awful is insurmountable in this moment. it happens! the next thing you might try is:

#4: learn something new

when you aren't able to make progress on your projects, you can still make progress on your knowledge and craft. i often find this stokes a flame of inspiration in me where there wasn't one before. and even when it doesn't, it still gets my brain out of that feeling of stuckness and dread and into one of thought and action. learning also benefits in the long term because it adds to the well of knowledge from which you draw for all your future works.

for all the awfulness that exists on the internet, it remains an absolute treasure trove of teaching. there's an endless ocean of videos, blog posts, and articles from which you might learn something about your craft. (and if you sail the seven seas, plenty of book PDFs as well. 🦜🏴‍☠️)

it's true that the quality and depth of information out there can vary wildly, but in my experience most resources get at least some things right. and the more you research, practice, and figure out what works for you, the better you will learn to differentiate between the advice worth keeping, and the advice to forget. (that goes for all of what i'm saying here, too!)

that said, since our shared focus is music, a few resources i would highly recommend are:

music theory and composition music matters, 12tone, charles cornell, music with myles, 8-bit music theory, and this introduction by andrew huang

mixing and production dan worrall (especially this series for fabfilter), kush after hours, red means recording, andrew huang, alice yalcin efe, in the mix

general inspiration nahre sol, ben levin, david hilowitz, game score fanfare, posy, jerobeam fenderson, open reel ensemble, and ELECTRONICOS FANTASTICOS!

(if any readers have their own helpful resources for creating music or any other media, feel free to share in the replies & reblogs! 💓)

of course, on an especially bad day, it might be a challenge to seek out information, let alone retain it. that can feel pretty bad, but remember: be kind to yourself. the next thing you might consider trying is:

#5: consume art you love

not just music. books. shows. movies. games. illustration. animation. whatever moves and inspires you.

but do it intentionally. don't just pull up some random thing the algorithm suggested! check in with yourself about what you want (or are able) to engage with right now. choose accordingly. if you get a little way into it and realize it's not scratching that itch, hit the bricks. check in with yourself again. wash, rinse, repeat, until you find whatever it is that speaks to you right now.

and do it actively, if you can. don't just let it go in one eye and out the other! really pay attention to the work. what do you like about it? what are its themes and motifs? what makes it work so well? what are its flaws, and how much do they matter? what might you do differently? you can write notes as you do this if it helps, but even simply noticing and thinking goes a long way.

what you don't want to do is come at this with a lens of shame or envy. you're not here just to say to yourself, "ugh, if only i could do THAT." it's okay if it happens. use that thought as a springboard for curiosity: "well okay, how DID they do that? do i have the resources for it? if so, how could i apply that to my own work? if not, how can i adapt it, or what do i need to learn?" keep your mind open and approach the work with a sense of wonder.

as a creative person, it's very easy to think, "i should be making something right now, not watching a movie!" but that thought forgets something vital: your art is a response in a conversation. of course the "language" you use is your own, and maybe if you're lucky you'll invent a new word. but most of the words you use have been around long before you were born. you're just one voice in a dialogue that spans continents and generations, and that's okay. it's even the whole point.

none of us is an island. we are profoundly social animals. just as we can't live without eating, we can't make without learning. so half of making art is consuming it. consider this part of the process as well.

and finally,

#6: rest, and live your life

let's say you're in really dire straits. you've tried working slower. you tried changing focus, you tried changing projects. you want to take in new information or actively engage with your favorite art, but you're not in the headspace for it. what now?

take a nap. take a walk. take a shower. eat a nice meal, or an okay one. talk to a friend. maybe even do that chore you've been putting off (you know the one).

it's human to always crave making, but you're not a machine—and even if you were, machines need regular maintenance, too! you wouldn't drive a car that's completely out of gas, and you won't do yourself any favors treating your body that way either.

i know that when you take a break it feels as though you're not accomplishing anything, but you are: you're taking care of your animal self. and while you do that, your creative brain doesn't stop working! much like windows, it has countless background processes running at any given moment, with inscrutable names like "cbdhsvc_692da" or "Microsoft Edge Update Service." it's true, i checked.

when you're stuck on a project and you step away to rest, your brain is still chipping away at your ideas unconsciously. i like to tell people, "it's percolating." much like waiting for a pot of water to boil, that idea is still heating up, even when you take a step away. just be sure to check in on it once in a while. the time will pass, and it'll be boiling again before long. :)

before i go, i'll leave you with one last thing to keep in mind as you try all of these strategies:

be kind to yourself.

being human is just about one of the hardest things you can do. let alone being a human trying to survive capitalism while living with disabilities! the last thing you need on top of that is to overwork yourself, talk to yourself negatively, or treat yourself harshly. there are plenty of other people in the world who do that to you—don't be one of them.

i'm not saying that you shouldn't try to challenge yourself, to test your limits and go above and beyond your ambitions, if that's what you want to do. just remember that hard work and self compassion are not mutually exclusive. so be careful not to bully yourself. take pride in the progress you make, even when it seems small. encourage yourself like you would a friend who's going through a hard time. and when you challenge yourself, be your own cheerleader.

i hope you find this advice helpful! remember, this is just what helps me, so don't feel like you have to follow any of it exactly. maybe taking time to learn new information helps break you out of your rut more than working slowly, so you reach for that tool first. maybe having multiple projects going at once is too distracting for you, so you prefer to stick to one at a time. whatever your needs are, feel free to alter and adapt these ideas to fit you.

thank you for reading, and i wish you the best of luck in your creating.

with care, bee 🐦

[alaynestone]

not to be overly applying real life concepts to a silly cw show lol but there's also something very perfect-victimy about the way people dismiss dean's victimhood vs sam's. like because dean's sarcastic or represses a lot of emotion or something people dismiss the things he went through. like obviously HE wants to forget about it and pretend it didn't happen, that's the point! but why are so many people dumb enough to hop right on board with that and literally erase/ignore things that happened to dean in the show (oftentimes in favor of pretending they happened to sam instead lol)... idk it's just a very weird thing that makes me feel protective of dean's character and what he represents in a way i don't usually with fictional characters. i love sam too but some of the samgirls or whatever take on a very cutting and aggressive tone that's slightly upsetting sometimes ngl. it just feels weirdly personal, not even at dean as much as like. anyone who dares to relate to dean as a character

i happen to think this "silly cw show" is actually far better at depicting complex trauma than people give it credit for.

but yeah, you are spot on here. it's absolutely about creating a perfect victim in sam and hyperfocusing on that while throwing nuance and context out the window entirely. even going all the way back to their childhood where dean is held fully responsible for the ways he responded to john's abuse by adapting rather than rebelling. dean is either considered responsible for his own situation or not a victim at all. he "liked" it, he perpetuated the "cycle", he was a lost cause, he was inferior to sam (and people loooove being classist about this, they think they're comedians) etc. which of course is NOT AT ALL the narrative presented to us by the show and erases the fascinating ways the brothers' arcs were paralleled throughout the seasons. for example, in season 2 you have dean only starting to confront the million ways john messed him up when he's not around anymore, just as sam is confronting his own destiny. the show explicitly links these two things yet dean is somehow generally viewed as the brother who's in charge of his own life. dean, who was controlled by his father until he was 27 and already in 1x11 admitting to sam that he admired him for making his own choices. i can't stress enough how "the one and only victim sam who completely lacks autonomy" is a fandom invention. and for what?

what you said about feeling protective of dean i think has always been part of his appeal. sam always had dean looking out for him, dean had no one. sam, even at his lowest, fundamentally valued himself and his own personhood, dean could never afford to because the survival of his family was up to him. he never coddled himself or let himself off the hook for a single perceived failure and i'm supposed to pile on? nah. his anger is so explosive in later seasons because he was never free to express his own feelings growing up and go through the regular stages teenagers and young adults do. i think there's a big effort to erase these nuances because if the actual story is taken into account, then it's impossible to forget how much dean went through so sam wouldn't have to. that sadly also ignores the impact it had on their relationship with dean's buried resentment towards sam, as well as sam's guilt for not always being there for dean in return. nearly every terrible traumatic thing sam experienced over the duration of the show is something dean had experienced already. at my most cynical, i think the purpose of reframing dean as this all powerful oppressor is because sam can only win the trauma olympics if dean is no longer vulnerable at all, no longer dean. and yes the trauma olympics approach is pointless, but if they're gonna insist on going there first, i'm not gonna hold back.

i mentioned sam's flinching and how it's valued as a trauma response compared to dean's anger but the thing is...before the cage, sam used to rage at dean and the entire world. his own anger nearly ate him up which he acknowledges multiple times. yet again, back when dean was fresh out of hell and sometimes genuinely freaked out by sam, including when he flinched at sam using his powers, it's still perceived as dean being cruel and abusive to sam. if sam feels bad about the moral implications and consequences of his actions it's because dean won't instantly get over it and support him. if dean doesn't trust him, it must be dean's fault alone. sam is the only one whose pov is taken into consideration and the only one whose feelings can be hurt. so it is a perfect victim thing but also about how only one of them gets to lash out and be vindictive and messy and remain sympathetic and good. essentially, sam gets to be a person but dean can only ever be sam's own personal giving tree.

it's classic fandom woobification with the childish "my fave can do no wrong" rhetoric, but since it's 2024 it's now hidden behind words like autonomy/cycles/abuse and passed around as objective analysis.

[red-dead-sakharine]

Raphael x Tav/Reader (gn)

Dinner plans - Part 3 (good path)

hurt/comfort, pining, fluff

I'm hyperfocusing on writing today, so let's continue!

> Part 1 | Part 2 <

He did his best to look annoyed at the way you were dragging him to camp, even if his heart was doing cartwheels in his chest at the way you were holding his hand so tightly.

"Little mouse, my time is precious." he had to keep up appearances. Had to sound like he only barely tolerated to remain here. Partaking in your party had not been his plan, but it was a better start than he had thought possible mere moments ago.

"Look who's here, guys!" you sounded so happy to announce him to the group, even though the faces that turned to you two were frowns and wrinkled foreheads without exception. Even the dog looked uncertain, nose in the air, trying to catch the intruder's scent.

There was one face that didn't look entirely disapproving. The vampire spawn had mischief in his eyes as he smirked over the brim of his wine goblet, "Ah, the future ruler of the nine hells." Astarion chuckled, "So glad you decided to show up. Tav was going mad with worry."

"No I wasn't!" you blurted out, avoiding to look at Raphael. Astarion's snickering barely registered to the devil's ears, as he stared at you in curious confusion. Eventually you gave him a short, reluctant look, before quickly glancing away again, "He's exaggerating. I just pondered if you had already started your war, and if it was going well." You let go of his hand and busied yourself with filling a wine goblet.

Raphael didn't say anything. He idly rubbed his thumb along the fingers of his now free hand, already missing your touch. His brain felt like it was sinking into a bog, that his thoughts had to slowly wade through. You were worried about him? You were thinking of him? And not in a 'hope I'll never see the damn devil again' kind of way, either. His bogged down thoughts finally arrived in his brain and he remembered to keep up his casual facade, "I'm touched that you're concerned about me, pet." he gave it his most patronizing tone, "even if it is entirely unwarranted. I am quite capable to look after myself. And with the crown, you so graciously provided me, I will be able to swat the other archdevils like flies."

Yes, good. He was slowly finding his way out of the bog and back into his normal self. He just hoped that nobody noticed how beside himself he was tonight.

You turned back to him, offering him a goblet which he took. "Well,... good!" was all you said in response. Raphael tried not to frown at the curt answer, and instead gave the wine a sniff, then wrinkled his nose. Whatever plonk the merry band of misadventures had scrounged up was an affront to his fine taste.

"Seven hells," your voice pulled him out of his thoughts, "it's not that bad. It's not like it will poison you!"

"I'm not so sure about that," he replied coolly and set the goblet down on a nearby barrel, without even taking a sip. The look of annoyed disapproval you gave him, amused him. Yes, this was the kind of dynamic, he so enjoyed between you two.

"Alright suit yourself, your royal highness," now it was your turn to drip with sarcasm, and it made him crack an amused grin.

"No need for formalities yet, little mouse," he said, earning a snort from you in return. He knew you would never grovel before him. You were to headstrong and proud - perhaps deservedly so, he admitted - and would likely rather fight a bone devil with bare hands, than to fall to your knees before anyone. And he wouldn't have it any other way. As long as you were loyal to him, that is. Which you had been so far.

He let out a silent sigh as he looked at you while you were pouring yourself some of the wine. He couldn't help but imagine - to wish - you'd bring that unconquerable determination of yours willingly into his arms. Be at his side when he finally kicks his own father off his icy throne. Be there willingly, loyal, because you believe in him, trust in him. Because you want to be at his side. Because you like him.

He wanted to ask you - offer to take you to Baator with him. But whatever courage was driving him to declare war on all nine hells, it wasn't enough to dare ask his little mouse to join him. He didn't want to admit it even to himself, but he was loathing the thought of you rejecting him. Rejecting his offer.

Hope's voice intruded on his thoughts again - defiant, never agreeing to join him; cursing him, calling him a monster. He wasn't sure what he would do, were you to act the same way. Most likely he would turn this whole camp and everyone in it to ash, and be done with it. He could torture you like Hope, but right now, when he looked into those beautiful eyes of yours, the thought of harm coming to you filled him with rage.

He could get lost in those eyes. Those eyes that were... staring at him. He blinked, looking down upon you. You were holding his gaze - how long had he been staring? How long had you been staring back? Damn these distracting thoughts! Damn his mortal half, which surely was to blame for all this trouble!

He was not normally lost for words, but right now, he couldn't come up with something smart to say, that wouldn't make it even more obvious that he had been miles away, while staring longingly at you. Other voices slowly registered in his brain - the other adventurers were talking amongst themselves. He caught mention of the wizard's students. Banal topics for banal mortals. You were not like them. You were... special. And you were still staring at him, but a smirk was tugging on the corners of your mouth. Oh you would be insufferable about this moment, he just knew it.

"I know, I'm unbelievably attractive," you quipped, "or have you already returned to the Hells, and just forgot to take your mortal form with you?" If you were trying to hide the amused grin on your face, you were doing a poor job of doing so.

He sighed theatrically and rolled his eyes, "I was planning ahead for my campaign. There are a lot of things I need to keep in mind." Good excuse! He'd pat his own shoulder, if he could.

Though he wasn't quite sure if you bought his excuse, your smile did vanish. After a pause you spoke up again, sounding a lot less chipper than before, "If you're really that busy, I shouldn't keep you. Much as I enjoy your company." You avoided looking at him, and he could only interpret it as you being ...sad, that he seemingly didn't want to be here. It gave him just a little bit of courage. Or maybe too much.

"Join me." The words escaped him, before he could stop himself, and he swiftly offered a hand with a half bow - there was no turning back now. That invisible orthon returned to pummel his insides, and he felt oddly cold all of a sudden, as he waited for your response. Should he elaborate? He wasn't sure he'd find a steady voice. He watched your eyes moving from his face, to the outstretched hand, and back to his face - then you looked over to your friends. Ah yes, your mortal companions. Raphael cursed himself - how could he have been such an idiot! You were loyal, and you were their leader; never would you just up and leave them. Especially not for him.

He felt another punch from the imaginary orthon, and Hope's cackling rang in his ears - but she was cut off by your voice, "To... do what?" you asked with slight hesitation.

Say something smooth and alluring! "To conquer the hells, of course." Ugh. Ah! "After dinner, that is." Yes! Great job, good save.

Your brows rose not quite in unison, giving you a somewhat lopsided expression of bewilderment. But after a moment, that expression made way for a shy smile that slowly crept onto your face.

"I'll admit, the thought of helping you has crossed my mind."

He had to be dreaming.

"But I didn't think you'd have use for some puny mortal."

He'd pinch himself, would that not be too obvious a gesture.

Scrambling to find his voice, he replied "My dear, I will always have use of your singular talents. I would very much enjoy having you at my side, when I take over the hells. Good, loyal help is so hard to find in Baator."

He watched as a smile grew on your face again - the sight caused his heart to start cartwheeling again, and he had to put quite some effort into keeping up his cool facade, as you finally took his offered hand. Despite himself, he ghosted a kiss over your knuckles - purely for correctness, of course. "Come." he said, and with a snap of his fingers, both of you returned to the House of Hope.

[vivi-scera]

ohhhh i have so many questions to ask now that i apologize beforehand for throwing you questions instead of actually giving a response-reply to your ask 😭

1) “i like thinking about jason-robin's relationship with bruce the most but i like tim as robin best” plss if u could pls elaborate on this? this is so interesting bcs for a second i thought it would be jason robin or even dick robin since hes the first one!

2) ”i think i was mostly thinking bruce/jason since i was talking about johndean” this is interesting too bcs i was hyperfocused on comparing dean’s devotion to dick’s, hence my ask & why i bring dick robin specifically, and now im curious abt your comparison :D

3) “i'm going to be actively problematic and say that bruce sees dick as something less than his partner and something more than his son” is it like what i think it is is it more in line with smth smth owning smth smth *eyes emoji*

4) your tags!! thats interesting too that you prefer jaytim as batcest, instead of like timdick whos more like brothers or jaydick with jason’s “envy” (to simplify it) at dick’s golden boy ness (also to simplify it) which could be a source of conflict between jason & bruce

haha no worries, i did totally set you up.

1.yeah so tim is my favorite robin <3 relatively unpopular opinion to have in my immediate circle apparently. though probably not as unpopular as saying damian is your favorite. but like, tim's the underdog! the odd one out!! he understands the meta-narrative role that robin plays in batman's life and tries to fulfill it. he's such a deeply interesting character not only in how he views himself as the weakest robin/the robin batman didn't choose, but also in how the other robins, canonically, view tim as the best out of them (because he's the most like daddy). i don't mind as much when fanon obfuscates his characterization because he really can be such a blank slate, more or less. as in, meta-narratively, tim decides to be whatever/whoever is best for batman, erasing the part of himself that is tim drake in favor of coalescing with "robin". he's the only robin who really is robin. which is really very tragic if you think about it. but also makes for fantastic bruce/tim fodder :) i would expand more on my love for tim but this ask would get WAY too long. read Liminal Space by Calamityjim on ao3 if you've watched young justice and have read the red robin 2009 run (an EXCELLENT read btw) if you want the gist of the angst.

as for the others, i think jason has had the best character evolution —not just in the batman storyline but as a comic character in general. i really think his death, and to a much lesser extent his rebirth, is the best/most impactful development in all of superhero comic history. superheroes as we know them today would largely not exist without his character. dick is fine, i like him third best. just because he was the first doesn't make him special to me lmao. the fact that others came after him is what makes him interesting to me, in addition to his relationship with batman— which is currently the most interesting batman-robin romantic relationship to me rn. i've seen some insane meta about him around but mostly based on somewhat outdated runs, which really doesn't mean anything when it comes to comics i guess. i don't think he's been in anything interesting/good in over a decade. i also wish i could mail tom taylor anthrax <3 damian is... my least favorite (skipping steph, sorryy i do love her but there's not enough canon for me to have an actual opinion). i think damian's interesting but only as a source of conflict (and ofc his dynamic with dick-batman). he doesn't really stand on his own and he's annoying.

2. i don't necessarily think that bruce/jason is closer to johndean than bruce/dick is (i actually think bruce/tim is closer relatively, but there's not a comparable pairing imo. i also just don't think dick is necessarily "devoted" to batman as much as tim is. his goals, like mentioned, align more with being able to call himself bruce's equal, which could be conflated with desire i.e. in bruce/dick). but there are a lot of functional aspects of the jason-robin & batman dynamic that is parallel to the relationship between dean and john as hunters imo— mostly having to do with consensual practices. is dean/jason-robin in control of his narrative purpose as a hunter/sidekick or are they doing what is necessary to survive? what does it mean for either of them when duty and pleasure are conflated? etc. i really love the headcanon that jason was a child-prostitute, which would be a functional role that carried over in being robin for another older man, so that was mostly where i was coming from. child soldiers... can't get enough of em.

3. haha i don't really know what the "something" is that i was referring to, just some vague middle ground that's gonna go undefined because where's the fun in defining the relationship that a man shares with the preteen ward in his possession who he may or may not want to be his son but who he treats like a spouse because mentally & emotionally he hasn't moved on from the day he was 9 years old and his parents died. maybe dick grows up but bruce never will :'). well, maybe he grows up a little when each robin leaves him

4. and yaaaa jaytim, favorite pairing of all time. they can be enemies to lovers. the ghost and the haunted. rebecca and the narrator. brother-rivals trying to become their father but who are held back by the lack of a quality that the other possesses (see nearmello death note). i'm gonna go the fanon route and say jason was tim's robin (even though, timeline wise, it could totally have been dick). so there is that adoration-envy (that tim would have for jason) that jason would have for dick in jaydick (which is a pairing i also like, don't get me wrong! i just maybe like it as a one-sided thing. or we could have the worst love triangle in the world with damian->tim->jason->dick->bruce all unrequited lmao). but in jaytim there's the addition of the danger element— jason at one point or another did want to kill tim. and not only was jason tim's robin, he was also his ghost story! an example of what would happen to tim if something went wrong. so adoration-envy-fear which transmutes to sexual interest. very sadomasochistic route we could take there. and for jason, tim is the kid who replaced him! who's evidently better at being daddy's favorite! he can die psychosexually mad about it. neither timdick or jaydick have that enemies/lovers edge that i really like (see kurokura hunter x hunter). they also just have some interesting canon history that writers never get into— like batman-jason trying to conscript tim as his robin during battle for the cowl. i am TRYING to write a jaytim fic but i keep getting distracted by other pairings. i thought i was gonna get to it after finishing the one i'm working on but i might just do brudick next so we'll see. send more questions/responses if you have them <3

[mareenavee]

For the Asks to Spread Love, pick and answer 3 that you haven't been asked already! 🧡

Hello again, bri!! Thanks for sending more of these for me! I've really enjoyed catching up on them and thinking through these today!

Fandom Positivity asks from this game here.

10. A popular character you actually really like and why.

I do like me some rare characters most of all lol. My perspective is a bit biased because I love the ones I love and I don't mind if they aren't "popular" per se. (:

LOL -- The obvious answer is Teldryn, right? But I'm gonna talk about

💫Neloth 💫

instead.

I think he's popular to dunk on because he's been a very big pain in the ass in the games for centuries to everyone who will listen to him. I mean, since the events of Morrowind at minimum. (:

Why do I like him? Because of how he's been written by myself and a few friends -- namely @thana-topsy, @paraparadigm (TOOTHPICK!), and @thequeenofthewinter.

I love to see how other people take this character and run with what we're given in text ESPECIALLY considering how ridiculous he is to deal with and his general attitude toward other living things.

For myself, where I write him as a long term friend of Nerevarine!Teldryn Sero, I love to use his character as an opportunity to talk about the struggle of redemption. How does one redeem themselves from a lifetime of difficult choices made to fit into a specific perception? Does this perception eventually end up becoming a core facet of who you are as a person? If that is the case, can you change? Are the consequences of your choices enough to make you irredeemable? Further, can you forgive yourself if change does not come easily or if you return to old behaviors much too easily?

He's a complicated one, I think, especially by the events of Skyrim. He's not exactly estranged from the rest of House Telvanni, but the connection is tenuous and fraught as the House is still, apparently, recovering from the Red Year. In Morrowind it was very much the opposite. There's gotta be a kind of grief to this shift under the uncaring, hyperfocused exterior.

He's annoying, yes, but very interesting to me, and so he's in my fic. And he's actually a huge part of the latter half of the book.

11. Recommend a fic with an unusual/original headcanon or characterisation that you loved.

OH I'm SHOUTING OUT @changelingsandothernonsense's Danger!JOSH (aka Nerevarine Teldryn Sero)'s Nerevar-as-a-parasite situation in Serious Mistakes.

This angry spirit, more or less, lives in the ring and speaks into Teldryn's BRAIN and sometimes drives the entire car, so to speak and I've never ever read anything like it, holy shit. I'm a beta reader for this particular project and I literally cannot yell about it enough.

It's a novelization of the Teldryn Serious mod which was already intriguing, but AH. MY GOODNESS the Nerevar situation.

Let me show you. From chapter 4:

Aren’t you meant to be looking for something? “Oh, you’re still here?” Teldryn rasped, as if saying it out aloud mattered here. You should be thanking me. Teldryn grunted in annoyance, he had a point, he hated it when he was right. His mouth was dry. He wanted to stay where he was. Sleep. You can’t stay here! Get up! Teldryn groaned. Right again – the tide was coming in, if he didn’t find what he was looking for now, then it would be gone by morning. He needed his keys. Was there an Argonian on the beach? He couldn’t remember. His head hurt. He pinched the bridge of his nose, it did little to relieve the pressure. He always overdid it on the magicka, and now he was nauseous.

It's fucking cool, isn't it? (:

19. Give kudos to someone who leaves great comments.

OH GLADLY. Here's where I shout out @polypolymorph!!!

Okay so I could pick out a bunch of comments -- or novel-length responses. Each comment turns into an opportunity for a conversation and I'm always beside myself to hear back from her.

But right now, I'm still grinning ear to ear over, you guessed it. Eyestalks. Eye. Stalks.

(on this project here.)

[tstwitterupdates]

I feel like (imo from being a creative and having life get in the way) Thomas plotted out s2 and how it was supposed to go a long time ago and then his whole fricken world changed. Cause like, first it was the production company, then Joan and Talyn, then several health scares, then a relationship and a breakup, and, obviously, and entire pandemic and a hurricane ruining part of his studio. And that's just the stuff externally. So I get why it's taking so long, cause he wants to make it perfect, and he can't change his plans for s2 at this point, because it will ruin basically everything. Plus, with Into the Unknown and the among us videos, right, it's clear he's trying his best to put content out there. So I can understand where he is.

I think I'm just frustrated because I miss when we had stuff like Thomas and Friends content, like Real or Fake Anime or Joystick Joyride and stuff. I feel like the Sides/Cartoon Therapy wait would be less painful if we were getting a bit more content on that end, you know? Cause while it's been a long time, I still feel like it would've mitigated the pain seeing him a little more frequently. Plus, I think Roleslaying would feel less odd if there was other content going out around as often as the once-a-week uploads for a month or so, rather than it being basically all the content we see from him, now.

I know Thomas is also getting to a better place with bulk recording an the like, and I'm genuinely still excited to see what's coming up. It just sometimes feels like Thomas is hyperfocusing on the big projects, and not letting himself enjoy the stuff that makes the bigger projects feel more substantial, if that makes sense.

i kinda agree im not sure i haven’t made up my mind on this. i liked the videos with his friends before but they’ve also gotten so extra that i no longer watch them either, im now one of those fans just waiting for sanders sides. but i do wish he would make simpler fun things either small sanders sides episodes or small vlogs. i miss his vlogs. but mostly because of nostalgia, those things made me company through the worst years of high school lol. anyway getting off topic.

i do think thomas is trying his best, i do not doubt that in the slightest. but even when you try your best if you don’t have a good strategy the results might not be the best. but i dont know what their strategy is so i can’t judge i guess.

more asks and replies under the cut

yeah like. they pushed the limits of what they could do with what they had back since accepting anxiety. and then they got better equipment and staff and stuff and instead of saying “now we can do the same things in less time and with less effort” they went “now we can do even bigger things that push our limits just as much!”

which is their decision to make not mine but i assume that’s where some of that stress might be coming from.

yes i agree with all of this. there’s some blogs that have posted criticism or defenses against criticism that i just find incredibly mean spirited or that make good points but phrase it in aggressive ways i don’t like.

i think whichever opinion you have it’s best to be open minded. acknowledge our own feelings and talk about them without attacking anyone. it’s okay to feel frustrated and angry and then we’re responsible about what we do with those emotions. and i think it’s cool to talk about them with other fanders that have felt the same. just stay open minded about what others have to say and then make up your mind about how much you agree or disagree.

and keep in mind that we know nothing about how thomas and co work. on both sides. like you cant claim their workflow is perfect nor claim it’s horrible because we just don’t know. but we can say we’re feeling disappointed or bored or annoyed or whatever because those are our own feelings.

yeah again this is my blog and i post what i want. and im doing my job by tagging and warning them.

and also thomas is a grown man in his thirties who has been a social media personality for, what? maybe almost a decade? im sure he knows how to be responsible about it and not go digging to read criticism of his work to get hurt by it. or at least i hope so. if he doesn’t then that’s out of my hands as well. and the hundreds of people supporting him on the replies of all his tweets more than make up for a handful of blogs that make angry posts every once in a while.

yes that’s understandable. but i still don’t know. if thomas has these personal problems that are so serious that they cause his content to come sooo slowly and still cause him to have this much stress then he should probably just take a huge actual break. and let us know about it. without necessarily telling us the reason of course.

if after Putting Others First or the last Asides he had said “hey im going on a hiatus for big projects like sanders sides and cartoon therapy while i figure stuff out, but i’ll film x kind of content because it requires less effort and i enjoy it” or even that the entire channel is going on hiatus, and then he came back like a year later and said “okay we’re back first thing we’re doing is writing the finale script!” or whatever then that would have been less frustrating than this. even if it had taken the same 3 years. because at least afterwards you know that he’s better and the wait would be worth it. at least that’s my opinion.

[echthr0s]

saw a post that said "overthinkers need partners who naturally express their love through reassurance" and I was like "damn yeah that makes so much sense" and then I opened the notes and the first thing I saw was the predictable response: "overthinkers need to work on themselves"

and I think one interesting development that has come of ~my personal journey~ (read that in an flowery Instagram font, please) in developing radical self-acceptance is that it really does extend outward after a while. I can't radically self-accept and then look at someone else and go "I'm ok as I am but you, absolutely not. you should change". it doesn't make any sense. people's idiosyncrasies and the way they move in the world and the way they navigate emotional matters etc etc absolutely do still hurt me -- in fact, they probably hurt more now -- and of course I still get fucking furious and sad and withdrawn and all the other shit. but at the end of it all I still have to go "well, what have we learned? perhaps they cannot be relied upon for [x] but there's nothing to be done about that. that has to be okay, in some way" and the way that becomes "okay" is through boundary-setting, self-soothing, and looking elsewhere for those needs to be met

and trust me I fucking hate it. righteous anger feels way better. spite feels WAAAYYYY better lmao I fucking love spite, are you kidding me. but. how am I going to actually find what I'm looking for if I'm too busy hyperfocused on the fact that this one person isn't giving it to me? and if I keep abandoning myself that way, then how can I be mad at the other person for abandoning me? now I'm just complicit

anyway back to the main point, yes, the the first instinct when someone doesn't show up for me the way I'd like them to is to think someone in the equation needs to change -- either me or them, depending on which version of my Protector shows up in that moment. but the secret third option is that this all just data. we have discovered that we are incompatible in [x] way, and that's useful! now what? is this a dealbreaker? is this navigable with better boundaries in place? is this something I can get met elsewhere? is the balance between compatibilities and incompatibilities a good balance for me or is it too unbalanced towards the latter?

both anxiously-attached people and people who are very demonstrative in their affection have met people who thought this was a flaw. if they manage not to internalise that and instead seek their counterpart, something amazing might happen

[the-meat-machine]

⭐

(This is in response to the Director's Cut meme.)

For my choice of fic, I'll go with flash, as a prelude to the other fic I'll be talking about later. flash is part of the lil buddy series, which explores Bro's life prior to the events of canon. This fic in particular is a scene from Bro's childhood. It's supposed to be set when he's roughly seven years old.

So. Bro - and Dirk too, of course - are autistic, in my opinion. I really can't see them any other way. And this is something that I very much have in mind while writing the lil buddy series. It'll never be directly stated, though, since Bro himself isn't aware of it. The criteria for diagnosing autism were a lot less broad when he was a child than they are today, so I figured it would be realistic if he was never diagnosed. (On the other hand, he is a remarkably strange and problematic child, so there's a decent chance he's at least been evaluated for some psychiatric disorder - but if he has received any diagnosis, he probably doesn't put much stock in it.)

Anyway. I'm getting off track. Bro is autistic. We can see in this fic that he doesn't like to talk and prefers to speak "through" Lil Cal instead. He gets hyperfocused on his practicing and tunes out everything else. At the end of the fic, he gets so overwhelmed that he has a shutdown. (Doesn't help that beforehand he was training himself to exhaustion without really noticing.)

I also headcanon him as having pretty severe alexithymia, which is something I incorporate into every fic I write with Bro. He's more-or-less incapable of recognizing his own emotions. This is something that I imagine Dirk would struggle with as well, but it gets amped up to eleven in Bro due to a combination of his lack of introspection and the fact that Lil Cal's wildly over-the-top emotions overwhelm Bro's to such an extent that Bro thinks of himself as emotionless in comparison.

So my rule of thumb whenever I'm writing Bro is that if my draft ever has Bro directly name an emotion that he or someone else is feeling, I need to rewrite it to focus on physical sensations and visible or audible tells instead. The one exception is that, as mentioned above, he's ok at recognizing Lil Cal's emotions.

Anyway, back to flash specifically. I really, really like writing from Bro's point of view because it means that we get to see how, from his perspective, all of the bizarre things that he does make sense. In this fic, Bro cares about training for the future Lil Cal says he's going to have, and he cares about Lil Cal in general. He talks the way Lil Cal taught him to talk. None of this is coming out of nowhere.

And we also get to see that, despite all his strangeness, he's still just a kid. He's worried about losing his first tooth. He doesn't actually understand a lot of the words that Cal says. He's frustrated at being too small to fight off older children or adults.

But from an outside perspective, we can also see that this is a deeply unpleasant child to be around. He alternates between not talking at all and spilling out disturbingly adult insults. He's prone to sudden outbursts of violence. He refuses to be parted from a puppet that literally causes nightmares. Thanks to Lil Cal's influence, this is already not an easy child to raise. And sadly, there's no one who's willing to put in the effort. So he gets shuffled around from foster family to foster family with no constant in his life except Lil Cal… and Lil Cal's constant presence only makes Bro harder and harder to deal with. It's a self-reinforcing cycle.

So yeah. That's flash. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to ramble!

[t3chborb]

About me & this blog

Hello, call me T3, Birb, or Borb, whichever you prefer.

I've made this silly corner of the internet because I have an unhealthy obsession with a fictional character and want to contribute to the fandom, be it feeding the algorithms with likes n reblogs n shit or my own produce :P

Unique tags found on this blog:

Borb's Scribbles (art)

Borb's Rambles (thoughts, theories, etc)

Borb's Garbage Dump (works in progress, may or may not get finished)

Borb Answers (ask responses. May sometimes also feature scribbles and rambles, depending on the ask)

Not mine (obvious lol)

Unholy Abomination - universal mature tag, may contain either adultery or robot guts. Used liberally just in case, even if the art is technically sfw

Other noteworthy things:

English isn't my native language, my apologies if my words are hard to read or understand

This blog is hyperfocused on Ramram. Probably a stupid idea in the long run but this account is a semi-throwaway anyway

I don't reblog much as I lowkey don't see the point. This is a place for my produce, not a spam blog. That said reblogs do show up on the rare occasion. I do my best to make up for this by leaving likes and comments on other's posts to show support :)

I'm here to have a good time, not cause or experience discourse, so please don't be a jerk, just block me and ignore me if my existence bothers you

I am, to some extend, a pro-shipper. I barely have any preferences when it comes to Ram ships, I'm fine with just about any (including self-inserts and OCs)

There are some shipping dynamics I don't like, one or both characters being OOC as hell, general toxicity and abuse, underage x adult, non-con, things of that nature, but I'm fine with pretty much anything deemed "problematic", assuming the issue is handled reasonably well (and if it's not handled well... the creator has a right to vent via creative media, even if I don't like said media. Better have them let out their frustrations creatively than... you know. Actually acting on them.)

For Ram fandom's "problematic" ship specifically, I'm neutral on Ramyatta, slightly leaning towards the don't like it territory, but for reasons other than the whole pseudo-incest thing (it's not incest in my eyes because robots don't have genes and monastery titles, but I can see how Ram and Zen calling each other "brother" is offputting)

I generally don't take requests, but if I happen to vibe a lot with a certain concept, I might just draw it

I'm open to talking, but I'm shy and perfectionistic. So please don't take it personally if I don't respond for a while ;-; I'll try to do my best.

I am a-okay with naughty topics, just know that I'll probably be embarrassed about it

About my art:

Krita 5.2 + Huion Kamvas Pro 16

My "style" is inconsistent as fuck as I'm going to be experimenting a lot for improvement purposes

If you wish to use my art, I am fine with the following:

Profile pictures, profile backgrounds, device wallpapers (with credit provided somewhere easily accessible, if it's shown publicly)

Coloring uncolored lineart

Side Note 1: I would like to know about you using my work, but telling me isn't mandatory (provided you follow these rules)

Side Note 2: Almost all art posted has been heavily downscaled from the originals (about 3 times smaller), so they may look terrible in certain use cases. If you want the full res, reach out to me privately, I'll send it over if I'm confident that you won't misuse it

I am NOT fine with the following:

Commercial use of any kind

Feeding into AI generators

NFT nonsense

Modifications of any kind EXCEPT coloring plain lineart

Reposting anywhere, especially Tumblr. If you REALLY want to share my stuff, I'm flattered, but please use links instead...

[madchild-dennis]

Sometimes I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT with God.

I was about to post a God persistently trying to persuade me to change my no dating stance and my stance about the Asshole. Plus telling me to rough design the MAIN PALACE.

To then see Maliek walk in as an answer to my response to God. Reminding me that the replacement is also there READY.

Trust me I was just going to post about being swayed and wavering in the moment but in the end, my answer is always the SAME. However, God is persistent because it's time and I need to be READY, hence the Palace designing.

I really cannot with GOD, too damn determined.

I used to stressed about the Main Palace designing, but now I'm good doing it on my own. But damn I keep forgetting things I'd want. Plus the intricacies of the functionality and making sure things are able to be executed properly and optimally. Plus privacy and security. There are so many things that are necessary. Yes, I'll get it professionally done, but I know what I want in regards to the feel, wants, and the type of experience I want at the Palace. So that's why I'm designing a rough plan. But the details and final outcome with the things I want, feel and more will be professionally done, for sure. So I don't mind this. I didn't want to stop my lil mini vacation I had relaxing and watching a HILARIOUS K-drama but I don't mind changing to focus on what God ask.

Now the asshole. Yes, I COULD forgive and forget. But why should I? Give me ONE GOOD REASON. Love is not a good reason. Nor is "God said" a good one either. Because God said and SHOWED me an amazing man in early 2021 in regards to a future marriage with him. Then God called me married and especially during that period that shit was worst than any fucking man or husband. Because I've met men and even if they were or were NOT hyperfocused on sex, and they were according to what God told me all that time. "He loves you..." or "He wants you..." or some other fucking shit along that line. Would NEVER do what he did to me. Even the fucking rapist (I'm calling the guy who nearly raped me such) would never do what he did. In fact up to even court with the hopes of my changed mind or more still would never do what he did to me. It's harsh because the rapist, his friends and family want to cause me harm or more. If I wasn't charging him, he would do whatever he could to get what he wants. But not what the asshole did. Why?

Because they all see my value, have feelings for me or care enough not to do certain things or want me in discomfort (if I accepted their offers) in hopes of something or simply because they liked me. MANY would jump loops (if I accepted it), do what they WOULD NEVER for anyone else, because they know my worth. Even if for them it is in hopes for a lady to lie down with or stick their dick into. I did NOT have to suffer if I wanted to take the MANY offers. In fact, some would follow all my rules including no sex or no relationship, but I know it would be wrong and emotionally hard for them. So, I chose discomfort instead. What did that shit do when I was in problems? Exactly.

Plus I could hold unto the fleeting few good moments. BUT dude gaslighted me about them. ACTED LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED. Swore to me and more that I was lying. AND SO MUCH MORE. So, his WISH IS MY COMMAND. Therefore that shit brought NOTHING good to me from the moment we met till now. WHY SHOULD I FORGIVE or GIVE HIM A CHANCE HE CLEARLY DOESN'T WANT OR CARE.

If we are going to go to NOW or say let go of the past and have faith or hope. Okay. Where is his faith or hope or fucking obedience. What also fucking pisses me off is I take all the fucking risk while that shit WAITS until it's CONVENIENT for him. NO FUCKING SACRIFICE or only does it AFTER I share how it would benefit him, publicly. Like when I stated God said to sponsor him and get the forms for it. Those who were following remembered how QUICKLY the little shit showed up at the bookstore. But can't post a fucking picture or share the truth. In fact, here's another thing.

I ask him to make a sacrifice from EARLIER IN THE FUCKING YEAR. I said stop school and come to me. If he comes after, then I'll make him my concubine. This was before the whole action of deleting and death certainty consequence:

But the shit continued with life. Well now that the shit should be finished with exams and more I will share this. So if he change now, it makes no fucking difference. If he did as I told early enough or just did it. At some point we would come together and talk about his schooling and education and we both would come to an agreement as to what to do. Which could mean letting him complete the year and then finish school abroad. I did say that at the end whatever we decide WE DECIDED. Or if it was too late, then pray the absence from exam still goes in his favour. Or we go together and I wait outside if we agree to complete the year. That's because I'm not a controlling person, nor like forcing anyone to do what they don't want to. I don't like it done to me why would I do it to others. Hence wanting a partnership.

But too bad for the little shit. He CHOSE SCHOOL over Obedience. he chose it over God, that Marriage and more. He chose it over me. He chose something he can do over instead of a human he cannot replace. I hope he failed the semester. Plus I have ABSOLUTELY NO use for a concubine. I do not need his fuck up family's manipulative and disgusting genes in my children. I already have a heir and more. So I have ABSOLUTELY NO USE for him, even if God forces me or persists on him. IT'S A NO.

Then Maliek. Maliek isn't a big issue other than his pride, feelings and I'm sure he is with someone else. The thing is, I was falling hard at a time God was all "you'll loose salvation if you wavered". Then I cared, then I wanted not to loose salvation. Then I wasn't all, "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK if I die or loose salvation." Then God was on my ass to be "perfectly obedient". However, what many do not understand, as of October onwards of last year, anyone God provided and I liked and wanted for my future and as the replacement would be the replacement. NO matter WHAT Raheem did afterwards. So, like Nicholas, if I wanted him as the replacement, we wouldn't be having this conversation. In fact, I maybe would have been pregnant already or something of that sort.

Anyway, despite being hurt and we both keeping our distance, he still checks on my posts, and more. So, he knew my stance change. In fact, I sense he wants to try or attempts. However, out of fear that I would leave him for the asshole, he keeps it to himself. I'm pretty sure he is waiting on him to die as I say or for me to convince him. With the die thing, I think, just the act of me moving on, would be one of the tools God will use to kill him (Takotsubo cardiomyopathy). If not that, there's drowning, car accidents, killing, slipping & falling and hitting his head or more. Anything God want to use will be the tool. However, there has to be FAITH first. There's ALWAYS has to be FAITH in the mix. He has to try, then once I'm completely sure and satisfied with the option. Then there's nothing left, but to remove the asshole. Which God will do and would have done. That includes if I wanted and could see a future according to God's plan, with Nicholas. Plus if I have to convince him, I would still have to do so even when Raheem's dead. So, that's a NO on that.

Plus the last I know (a few weeks ago) he happily has a girlfriend. I mean he looks contented. Not trying a stunt or flaunt or make me jealous like he has slightly done before. But happily with whoever. So I am definitely happy for him and keeping my distance. So, that one was entirely up to him, during the times I was open to dating. Now, it's still kind of up to him. However, he has to be willing to take the risk. That's loosing someone he is certain about (the girlfriend he has now) for the POSSIBILITY, I change my mind if he initiates a conversation. However, I ain't having that convo with a taken person. Yep, it's a dilemma.

BUT NONE is my problem, I'm happily designing so a none issue and they are men who seem fine without me. Plus I'm surely happy without them.

[zeynatura]

Returning to the hell that is Genshin

I stopped playing before Heizou came out, but came back because Scara got playable and i still had some primos so i decided to spend them all and leave the game for good this time but guess what happened c:

I literally had enough for 20 wishes, first 10 and got Gorou my sweet puppy general i've always wanted but didn't get even when i spent 70 wishes on his first banner and got Itto instead le cries

So i was like: ok i'm happy with this, is nice c:

Then last 10 wishes hit me like a truck

Ayo wha-

I did not expect this xD i was totally ready to get nothing and say c'est la vie! and goodbye to genshin forever... but then i got the opportunity to have the all geo team i always wanted and my dream all anemo boys as well.

None of my Geo characters have a good build, and i stopped playing before my anemo chars got to have a good one, at least they're decent, except for the new boi

Wanna see what is like to fight an Eye of the Storm with an all anemo team?

Tbh i had fun attacking physically while Wanderer was just there looking xD like the seniors showing the new kid how it's done pfft

I also found out Hoyoverse now gives daily rewards and so i was thinking of maybe loging daily for them and save them for when Baizhu is coming, bc we all know he's coming and he's the one i want the most that would make me want to pull for him..

But then the Hoyoverse bastards decided to have a TCG event right in the middle of my obession with Shadowverse and while my love for card games is stronger than ever

So i've been doing nothing but having duels with NPCs ;u; i hyperfocused last night and didn't realize i played till 4 am help

The reasons i stopped playing Genshin was mostly bc of the toxic fandom, then not having enough time, between my complicated life and the many online videogames i play i decided to prioritize the ones i've been playing the longest and so genshin as the new game had to go, at that time i already got the characters i wanted and didn't like the rushing feeling of the story in Genshin and i still don't so it wasn't that sad, the best part imo is the fancontent which i continued to consume and the reason i found out about the new playable chars cause i literally blocked all the official genshin accs xD

Now i really hope i don't get too much into the game again, for my own good, cause is not even a game i can enjoy casually and on my time like King's Raid or Hero Cantare, in those games you have no rush to be up to date with the newest main quest and it does not punish you if you miss events and they're all gacha.. is just that Genshin is literally the worst gacha i've ever played and i play a lot of them and i am f2p in all of them cause i have a lot of trauma- i mean self restraint when it comes to spending money (i literally made a vow to myself that if Lucifer gbf ever gets playable and i don't get him with all my f2p currency i will spend irl money cause he's the only character that's worth it)

Anyway i just wanted to share my experience, cause i vented to my friends that don't play gacha and got silence as a response, well they did make a comparizon of toxic games some of them play like LoL and DBD saying that Genshin was my toxic game haha

[doxiedreg]

I'm hyperfocusing on Splatoon 3 like there is no tomorrow and it's really starting to cause trouble. I have responsibilities to take care of. Like eating and cooking and doing housekeeping. But instead my brain is like "I need to do all the things in sploon 3. Omg there are so many things. I'm having so much fun and also sometimes swearing loudly because of unfair bullcrap"

I hope it will get less now that I have finished hero mode but signs point to no

Also after figuring out the mechanics of tableturf it's addicting as fuck, I'm having so much fun strategizing but augh I need to do other things except gaming. I haven't hyperfocused like this in ages, I think last time it was this bad was with botw?

The suffering and fun at the same time

[clarz-cc-archive]

answered April 22, 2020

Q: what are your thoughts on the jinkook dynamic?

A: it's very very good! i think jk has a tendency to get stuck in his own head (not like in a cerebral way, more like in a hyperfocused/spacing out kinda way) and also that he has a lot of excess physical energy that he needs an outlet for, and seokjin provides him with convenient solutions to both of those problems! also seokjin knows that jk is gonna be a good scene partner and will commit to the bit that they've established beforehand; like he knows what to expect from jk, and what he can expect is that he's not gonna be required to process his own feelings or even to verbalize a single thought, like instead he can just play around and not wonder if jk's trying to read anything into his behavior or whatever. jk will meet him right where he is and won't expect anything from him other than what they've already established as their general, simultaneously extremely chill (in terms of low expectations) and extremely aggro (in terms of PUNCH KICK) dynamic, and i'm sure that's a very comforting kind of relationship to have, especially for someone like seokjin who ONLY wants to discuss things exactly when he is ready to and at no other time 😂 also of course the whole thing has BIG "pulling my crush's pigtails on the playground bc i don't know what to do with my own emotions" energy, too, especially on jk's end, and i really like that. i just really like jinkook! i feel like they each allow the other space to perform their most treasured but also most annoying bits (for jk, getting bratty and handsy, for seokjin, being able to SCREAM COMICALLY and act put-upon rather than having to do any more in-depth emotional work) while also knowing that the other will be genuinely delighted by the bit. i feel like none of these sentences made any sense! but yeah, jinkook good! they hit!

asks in response to this one: #1

[n7punk]

Okay, firstly, I'm obsessed with your writing, it's amazing. But my real inquiry is how on earth do you write soooo much??? Your world count is insane, did you even need to try for nanowrimo or did you just hit it out the park as easily as breathing??? Smile like a switch blade specifically. Wtf. Who did you sell your soul to? Amazed. Astounded. Thank you for your contribution to the universe.

so i hit 50k for nano on the 9th and im at.... 134k for nanowrimo so far. i will say it’s not necessarily a Good thing that i write this much. i get hyperfocused and ignore responsibilities/school/life sometimes because i’m so focused on my story and then it bites me in the ass and i have to scramble to play catch up, but i don’t have good control of my focus so it is something that just keeps happening. like the day i wrote the most for nano so far? i did 12k that day - and it was the day before i had an exam worth 15% of my grade that i never studied for, because instead of using the time i set aside to study, i got sucked into otos and couldn’t make my brain think of anything else.

i’m glad you enjoy my writing, but i wouldn’t recommend selling your soul for this lmao. sometimes i forget to like. drink water

[mbti-notes]

Hi. INFP here. I found the resources in this site to be very useful. I found clues and tools to identify my toxic thoughts. While browsing through other questions , I found this question by another INFP for which you already answered as a pointless rumination. I'm paraphrasing the content " I feel like am forced to live in this world with rules made by society" I guess is a poor Ne development. I feel insignificant and powerless too. Can you help me with addressing the meaninglesness logicall

You say “forced to live in this world…”, which implies that what you want is to make up your own rules and live only by them. You treat this as an ideal but it is pure fantasy, so you sound very much like a child who wants to run away from home any time mommy says ‘no’. As long as you indulge this fantasy, you suffer; as long as you refuse to face up to reality, you remain stuck. It doesn’t matter what type you are, no one is an island no matter how hard they wish it to be true.

If you think your purpose in life is to beat your own drum at all costs, don’t be surprised that you end up with nothing but the sound of that repetitive beat in your head. Your purpose is to discover the right balance between following your heart and meeting the world’s demands. You view those demands as a “burden” yet they are anything but that. What you haven’t realized is, without challenges, conflict, and problems in life, you would never be tested and never have to prove your mettle by learning to be better, and as a result, you always remain in a static state, never changing, never growing. Therefore, when you run away from challenges, you never change, never grow. You give up every chance to learn because you see challenges as threats rather than opportunities (this is the hallmark of level 1 ego development).

A lot of people only know to complain about what they don’t have or what they can’t get. It’s a mental trap, but a very enticing/comforting one. They have no positive vision for their life because they don’t know what it is they really want. As per above, you want a fantasy, there is no meaning in it because it is a negative vision that is merely an egotistical reaction to stress/failure - a cynic is just a failed idealist. It’s easy to blame something external for “holding you down” but it’s a lot harder to reflect on yourself, to figure out how to live well and make the best of your circumstances, because it requires you to face up to the truth of all the many ways you have lived your life poorly. It’s amazing, the way that dysfunctional people firmly believe that they have everything all figured out even when the concrete evidence of their failures proves that they don’t know shit about anything. You lack the humility that is required for proper learning and growth because you’ve convinced yourself that you already know how the world works and refuse to take part. You refuse to truly devote yourself to anything and then turn around and wonder why you can’t find anything worthy of devotion? 

An immature person dwells in victimhood because it’s easy and comforting to define themselves as the “good” one and everything/everyone else as “bad” - a hero only in your own mind. A mature person correctly identifies their life’s obstacles and asks themselves how to overcome them. How are you going to take responsibility for the quality of your life and the decisions you make when you keep relinquishing all responsibility by casting blame? Blame is false empowerment that makes you feel as though you are better/superior in your anger and critical judgment, but it just leaves you in an empty void, always hyperfocused on the negative, always feeling childishly entitled instead of humbly working hard for progress. To change this mentality requires you to give up the false and empty “empowerment” or “superiority” that your ego feeds on in order to embrace what you actually are, to acknowledge how much you have yet to learn and grow, and then, via that refreshing self-honesty, there is suddenly space to work on becoming something better (N).