#And I was going to kill myself this December until I saw him and he told me to meet him in May

[no-goodbyes-no-regrets]

Happy Christmas @strandnreyes !! Here is your very late gift from your secret santa!

I had a plan, it was going well, and then I wrote myself into a corner and couldn't figure out how to fix it... and went with plan B at around 6PM yesterday. But I'm pretty happy with the result and I hope you are too!

written for @tarlos-santa for the prompt: roommate’s best friend AU

---

Strickland holiday special (AO3)

“December 24th, 7pm, dinner at my place. Bring yourself and your holiday spirit.” Paul announced when he sat down at Carlos’ table in the bar they’d agreed to meet for a catch up after work.

Carlos was thrown off guard for a second but then shook his head.

“Can’t. Nochebuena with the family. My mom will kill me if I miss that.”

“And you don’t want to spend the holidays with your best friend?” Paul asked, fake hurt, and took a sip from the beer Carlos had ordered for him.

“You’ve met my mother... and she likes you now… but if you keep me from coming to mass with her and the rest of the family, she’s going to put you on her naughty list for next year.” Carlos replied, only half joking. He wasn’t especially excited to spend the holidays with his entire extended family, but it usually was nice to catch up with cousins he only ever saw at birthdays and family gatherings.

Only this year he also had to avoid his sister and her interest in his love life ever since she set him up with a friend of a friend a few months ago.

“Ah but if I promise to feed her boy, even Andrea Reyes will forgive me.” Paul told him and Carlos had to admit to himself he was probably right. “Come on man, it’s just dinner with some friends. Some people from work, and you’ll get to meet Asha for real.”

“I’ve already met her!”

“Outside McDonald’s in the middle of Saturday afternoon shoppers doesn’t count.” Paul argued. “Come on, you know you want to say yes. I’ll make my famous chilli.”

“Well in that case I’m definitely not coming, you chilli heathen.” Carlos joked and Paul good naturedly rolled his eyes.

“If I allow you to assist me in the kitchen, will you come? I’ll even let you disgrace my chilli with your nachos.”

Carlos laughed.

“Ok, fine, you can be my sous chef. Maybe I’ll even let you stir something.”

“You keep telling yourself that, Reyes.” Paul replied and clinked his beer bottle against Carlos’. “Oh and my roommate can help us out too.”

“Roommate? Since when do you have a roommate?”

Paul shrugged.

“A few weeks. The new guy at work I told you about.”

Carlos frowned, trying to remember any new guy Paul had mentioned.

“Tyler. From New York. He’s not going home for the holidays and he doesn’t really know anyone in Austin yet.” Paul clarified.

“Right. And you take in strays now?”

“He was living in some shitty backpackers hostel! I couldn’t let him stay there. The place is a health hazard. And I have a spare room anyway.” He shrugged. “It’s just until he’s found a place of his own. He’s a nice guy. Cleans up after himself. A lot of wrong opinions about pizza though. Come to think about it, you two would probably get on great. You can be wrong about food together!”

“Are you trying to set me up with your new roomie?”

“No, but you might like the guy. You both could do with some new friends.”

“I have friends!” Carlos protested and pointed his bottle at Paul. “I have you.”

“And if you and Tyler hit it off you could have two friends!”

Carlos shook his head and took a sip of his drink.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Oh no. No, I know what ‘I’ll think about it’ means in Carlos Reyes speak. It means ‘no but I don’t want to say it to your face.’”

“No, it means I’ll think about it. I might have plans… with Marco.”

“Oh the boyfriend?”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Carlos insisted. “We’ve only been out a few times… I barely know him. Luisa set me up with him.”

Paul nodded.

“I remember. And you like him?”

Carlos pulled a face like the thought of admitting anything of the sort to Paul was causing him physical pain.

“I don’t know… He’s alright… He keeps asking about my job.”

“That’s what people do when they’re getting to know each other don’t they?”

“Well… yeah… but it’s all he talks about. I don’t even know what he does for a living.”

“So ask him.” Paul said simply and Carlos gave a huff in reply.

They spent the rest of the night talking about Paul’s party plans, and carefully avoiding the topic of Carlos’ love life. Which he was more than grateful for.

By the time the 24th came around, Carlos had struck a deal with his mother. He’d promised her he’d go to midnight mass with her and the rest of the family, and then spend the entire Christmas at the ranch with them, so he’d be able to go to Paul’s dinner party and help him cook in the afternoon.

They’d decided on a menu together, agreeing to stay away from any controversial dishes and just focusing on putting a nice meal together for their friends.

Carlos had managed to wrangle the guest list out of Paul, and he knew most people that would attend. All but one. The mysterious Tyler.

Paul had mentioned he’d be helping them prep and Carlos was curious about the guy. Apparently he’d moved to Texas after a break up, but Paul either didn’t know the details or didn’t feel like it was his place to share and hadn’t told him anything more.

Not even a last name, which meant Carlos couldn’t even casually run him through the system.

He parked his car outside of Paul’s building and grabbed the supplies he’d picked up from the backseat before making his way to the front door. He tried to shift the bags in his arms so he could ring the doorbell without dropping anything when someone jogged up to him.

“Wait, wait, wait! Let me get that for you.” The person said and reached around him to open the door with a key.

“Thanks…” Carlos mumbled and walked into the building, up to the elevator. The person followed him and pushed the button for him.

“What floor are you headed?” the guy asked when they stepped into the elevator.

“Uh four.”

“Me too. Do you need a hand with those bags? I can carry one for you.” The person offered. “I promise I won’t run off with them.”

Carlos chuckled and shifted one of the bags so the person could take it from him. He hadn’t been able to get a good look at them yet, just a flash of a silver grey jacket and brown hair, but when he moved the bag out of the way, he came face to face with easily the most beautiful man he’d ever seen.

“Thanks.” Carlos managed to say and the beautiful man smiled at him, making him even more beautiful.

“No problem. Do you live in this building too? I only moved in a couple of weeks ago, I don’t really know the neighbours yet.”

“Oh uh no… I’m just… visiting my friend.” Carlos stammered, mentally kicking himself for not being able to keep his cool around a cute guy. “He lives at number 425.”

“No way.”

“Uh…”

“You’re Carlos!” It was a statement, not a question.

“Uh…”

“I’m TK.” The beautiful man said as the elevator doors opened and they walked onto Paul’s floor. “Paul mentioned you would be coming over to help prepare for tonight.”

“I… oh… you… you work with Paul…” Carlos stammered.

“Yeah, and he lets me crash in his spare room until I’ve found my own place. You don’t happen to know of any apartments for rent that don’t cost a small fortune, do you?”

“No… sorry.”

“That’s too bad.” The beautiful man stopped outside of Paul’s door and put his key in the lock. “Hey, look who I ran into downstairs.” He called out to Paul when he walked into the apartment.

“Oh, great, you’ve already met. Saves me the introductions. Now let’s get to work, this meal won’t cook itself.” Paul said, clapping his hands to spur his friends on.

Carlos was put on chopping duties and did his best to focus on the task at hand. The three of them chatted a little while they worked, with mainly Paul and TK swapping work stories.

“Chicago FD could take NYFD.” Paul insisted and Carlos had no clue what they were talking about. “Hell they could take NYFD and AFD.”

TK laughed.

“Sure, sure.” He popped an olive into his mouth and Carlos was absolutely mesmerised by him. The way his eyes sparkled with mischief, the smile that never seemed to leave his face, the curve of his lips… the way they would feel against his own… the –

“Ow! Shit, shit, shit, damn it!” Carlos swore and sucked his finger into his mouth. “The knife slipped.”

TK wiped his hands on a dish towel and carefully pulled Carlos’ hand away from his mouth.

“I’m a paramedic.” He told him. “Let me see.”

“I’ll go get the first aid kit from the bathroom.” Paul announced but neither man even so much as acknowledged him.

“It’s nothing.” Carlos insisted.

“I’ll be the judge of that.” TK told him and guided him over to the sink to run his hand under the tap. “I don’t think it’s very deep.” He said after taking a closer look at the cut.” “I think a simple bandage will do.”

“Right… ok.”

“One first aid kit!” Paul said a little too loudly, dropping the box onto the kitchen table. “It cost me a small fortune so it better have everything you need.”   

TK nodded and grabbed a paper towel, pressing it to the cut in Carlos’ hand.

“Keep pressure on that while I get some gauze to wrap it up.”

“You really don’t have to go through all this trouble for me… it’s just a small cut. It’ll be fine.”

“Reyes will you just let the medic treat that damn hand instead of bleeding all over my kitchen?” Paul sighed. “Your boyfriend won’t be happy if we let you bleed out on the onions.”

Carlos winced and he saw TK freeze up for a few seconds.

Damn it.

“You have a boyfriend?” TK asked, trying to sound casual, not looking at him but digging through the med kit instead.

“No!” Carlos said, a little louder than strictly necessary.

“Oh no, we’re not allowed to use the B word.” Paul said, exasperated. “They’ve just been going on dates for like three months. That’s not boyfriend behaviour at all.”

“We broke up.” Carlos blurted out, almost desperate to see TK’s reaction.

“Oh, I’m sorry man.” Paul replied, giving him a sympathetic look.

“It’s fine. He… I… we uhm… it just wasn’t working. We wanted different things.” Carlos told them. He didn’t want to go into detail, but at the same time needed TK to know he did not have a boyfriend.

“Well at least you found out now and not during a romantic dinner with an engagement ring in your pocket.” TK said, removing the paper towel from Carlos’ hand and carefully putting a gauze pad on it.

“Y-yeah.” Carlos agreed, sensing there was a story behind TK’s comment but not wanting to pry.

TK wrapped up Carlos’ hand with the care and precision of someone treating an arterial bleed, when they both knew a simple band aid would have done the trick.

“How’s that?” he asked when he put the last piece of tape on the bandage. “Not too tight?”

“It’s perfect.”

They managed to get through the rest of the afternoon without any more injuries, and Carlos had managed to compose himself and function more or less like a normal person by the time the other guests started to arrive.

He knew most of them through work and in Nancy’s case from high school math and science. He enjoyed catching up with them but still his eyes were constantly drawn to TK.

And maybe he was imagining things, but it looked like TK was looking at him too.

“Hellooo, earth to Carlos.” Nancy waved a hand in front of his face. “I asked you a question.”

“What? Sorry… I kind of zoned out for a minute there.”

“Uhuh, I noticed. I was talking about the red vs blue baseball game.”

“What about it?”

“Are you playing? Who is on the APD team? I’m trying to scope out the competition.”

“I don’t know. It’s months away.”

“She’s got a whole file with stats on everyone on the FD team on her computer.” Marjan cut in. “And she’s trying to find out who’s playing for PD so she can put together the same kind of file for them.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being prepared! I just want to win next time.” Nancy argued. “TK, do you play baseball?”

“I was in little league. I was pretty good.” TK replied. “Well according to my mom and my step dad anyway.” He laughed a little and took a sip of his drink.

“Good enough for me. We’ll have to get you to the batting cages in the new year so I can see you play.” Nancy decided.

“Who died and made you coach of the FD team?” Paul asked and the two of them got into an argument that snowballed into a debate where somehow Paul’s girlfriend Asha ended up as some kind of referee.

Carlos however could only focus on TK. He was sitting on the other side of the table, leaning back in his chair, drink in hand and an amused look on his face. He’d gotten changed before dinner and he was wearing a dark sweater with stripes across the chest and a diamond stud in his ear.

Carlos’ mouth had gone dry at the sight of him and he’d felt severely under dressed in his simple button down shirt and jeans.

“Who wants dessert?” Asha asked the group, trying to steer the conversations to a safer topic.

“I’ll get it.” Carlos said quickly, happy to be able to escape the madness for a few minutes and get his head together.

“I’ll help.” TK said, getting up from the table too and following him to the kitchen. “How’s your hand?” he asked as Carlos started pulling bowls from the kitchen cupboard.

“Oh, it’s fine.” He flexed a few times. “I barely feel it.” He smiled. “You’re a great doctor.”

“Paramedic.” TK corrected him. “It’s not the same. But thank you.”

Carlos desperately wanted to keep talking to him but didn’t know what to say. He tried to scoop some ice cream into one of the bowls but barely managed to get anything out of the container and only ended up bending the spoon.

“I guess we should have remembered to take it out of the freezer earlier.”

“Yeah… I guess so.” TK agreed. “If you run the hot water and hold the spoon under it, it’ll be easier to scoop with.” He suggested. “Or… we could just wait.”

He stepped closer to Carlos in the tiny kitchen and his eyes flicked between the other man’s eyes and lips.

There was laughter coming from the living room and someone, probably Paul, had put on some music.

“Yeah, we could… do that. I don’t think they’re really desperate for that ice cream.”

TK smiled.

“I don’t think so either…”

The two of them stared at each other for what seemed like hours until they suddenly moved at the same time.

TK grabbed a fistful of Carlos’ shirt, while Carlos’ hands were on TK’s neck, pulling him into a desperate kiss.

He felt TK’s tongue running along his lips and Carlos happily opened his mouth for him.

They kissed, and kissed, and kissed and neither of them wanted to stop.

Carlos’ hands were firmly in TK’s hair, and TK had managed to undo some of the buttons on Carlos’ shirt. They were both breathless by the time they had to come up for air.

“I’ve wanted to do that all day.” TK admitted. “I was gutted when Paul said you had a boyfriend.”

“Don’t have one of those.” Carlos insisted. “I’m very single.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely.”

“How would you like to change that?”

[pimento-playing-hopscotch]

2024 Fic Roundup

Thank you for the tag, @carlos-in-glasses @nancys-braids @henrygrass

It's late, but I wanted to get to this because I did the math and I wrote 364, 497 words on my Ao3 this year, give or take (keep in mind, approximately 198,395 of those words were for just one ongoing fic).

And not to get too personal on main, but there are almost no things I like about myself... but I love to write, and I love what I write. I just think it's neat, and I want to share it.

Growing Up, Strand Style - (M; 329K words and counting) A canon-compliant au; an in-depth look at TK's childhood with the caveat of he isn't an only child. Contains two timelines; one starts when he is five years old and his little sister is born and is currently progressed to where he's eighteen and his sister Sophie is thirteen. The other timeline starts in season two when Sophie arrives in Texas to join her family and develops feelings for someone her brother works with. Here's a morsel -

TK hovered in his sister’s doorway. “Hey Soph, got a sec?”

“Sure, what’s up?” Sophie turned around in the chair at her desk. “And I don’t have your iPod”. She added quickly.

“Yes you do,” TK said, pointing to her desk. “I can see it right there”. His sister looked back at her desk and hastily threw a stray headband over it. “But that’s not it”. TK added as he closed the door most of the way. “I, um… I’m kind of here to ask you for a favor”.

“Really?” Sophie said, looking interested. “What is it?”

Boy, was that a loaded question. TK wasn’t sure where to start. “So, here’s the thing,” he began. “Dad called me just now to cancel on us going over there Friday cause of work”. When his sister didn’t interrupt, he continued. “But… Mom doesn’t know that. She still thinks he’ll be there Friday. And I’m kind of planning to still go over Friday when he’s not there”.

“Why?” Sophie asked, confused. “That seems dumb”.

“So, that’s where the favor part comes in”. TK told her.

The December Baby - (G - 12K words and counting) Enzo and Jonah come to celebrate TK's 30th birthday with him; a fix-it fic for 5x07. Here's a morsel –

“Oh, my,” TK said, clutching a hand to his heart dramatically. “Jonah, you have my word. We won’t have pizza while you’re down here”.

“Yay!” Jonah said, bouncing up and down on his dad’s lap. He looked up at his dad. “Daddy, I want to play with Butt-cup. Pwease?”

“I don’t know,” Enzo said. “Did you get enough to eat? Did some food make it into this tummy right here?” He tickled his son’s stomach and he wriggled and giggled.

“Yes!” he giggled. “All full, Daddy. Promise”. He reached up and placed his hands on each side of his dad’s face and tickled his chin. “Pwease Pwease?”

“He doesn’t make it easy to say no,” Owen noted.

“This, he just started doing,” Enzo added. “Okay,” He said, taking Jonah’s hands and kissing them. “You can go play with the doggy. But be careful”. Jonah kissed his daddy’s chin before scampering off his lap and getting down on the floor with Buttercup.

“How can he not like pizza?” TK shook his head.

“Babe, remember he’s still your brother,” Carlos said. “Even if he’s turned his back on pizza”.

Halloween: A Strand Family Tale (Teen and up, 12K words) – Owen receives a frantic call from Gwyn that their fifteen-year-old daughter lied about her plans for Halloween. Since Gwyn is at work, Owen and TK drive up to get TK’s wayward sister, Sophie. Here’s a morsel —

His sister just rolled her eyes. “My god, you sound like Mom. Which,” she added, “I know she’s pissed. She can kill me tomorrow. Good bye”.

“She wasn’t willing to wait,” TK said, taking a step to block her path. “I drove up here with Dad. He’s right outside. If you don’t come with me, I will send him in here to get you”. He saw the wheels turning in his sister’s head. She was thinking about it. She also clearly had been getting drinks already.

“You’re bluffing,” she said, shaking her head. “Dad wouldn’t come all the way out here. He has work and shit”.

“Not until Sunday”. TK shook his head. “And Mom called him freaking out cause she didn’t know why you were out here. And she hasn’t even seen what you look like”.

“It’s Halloween, you jackass,” his sister snapped, tugging her top up a little bit; it still left almost half her chest exposed. “And this isn’t even that revealing”.

“Uh huh”. TK sighed. “Soph, you can come with me, or I can send Dad inside”.

“Do whatever you want,” she said, turning to walk down the stairs. “I don’t believe you. He’s not here”.

He Had to Know… right? (M; 15K words and counting) In the wake of his father’s murder, Carlos struggles with if becoming a ranger is truly what he wants — which takes center stage after being badly injured on a call. Here’s a morsel — “Your eyes said it for you,” TK said as he got out of the car. He went around and opened Carlos’s car door and, as he pulled his husband out, he continued, “Those are the eyes that say, ‘oh, I am two tons of muscle. No mere mortal can lift me’. Have you forgotten that you are married to a former firefighter?”

“You think I weigh two tons?” Carlos clarified as he followed TK into the elevator.

TK giggled. “I think I could throw you over my shoulder like you don’t weigh a thing,” he said, stretching up to kiss his husband’s nose. As the elevator stopped on their floor, Carlos’s arms wrapped around TK as he gave him a tight hug.

“You are the best husband in the entire world,” Carlos murmured into TK’s collarbone. “I love you so much”.

“I love you too”. TK said when they broke apart. “You do everything for me. Let me take care of you tonight?”

Hot Wheels (M, 6K) TK takes Mateo’s new car out for a spin and gets a lesson in being careful on the road. Here’s a morsel —

“Man, this thing is nice,” TK marveled as they started down the street. “I should have gotten a new car when I had the chance”.

“Why didn’t you?” Mateo asked. “Didn’t you get your car when you were working for Paragon, and making like, a shit ton more money?”

“Yeah, but it was bad money,” TK reminded him. “Dirty money. Money from soulless people pumping their unsuspecting patients full of drugs they didn’t need or ask for”.

“I guess”. Mateo shrugged. “But you get what you pay for. And both your dad and Judd told me…” his voice trailed off as he watched TK merge. “Uh, TK? Why are you getting on the highway?”

“You said I could drive”. TK grinned. “Oh, come on,” he said when he saw Mateo shake his head. “It’s not even seven-fifteen. There’s practically no one out here. There’s no better time to drive on the highway than right now”.

“Fine”. Mateo laughed and shook his head. “But you crash this car, you’re buying me a new one”.

“How little faith you have in me,” TK shook his head. “I am a good driver”.

“Really?” Mateo snorted. “Do all good drivers get on the highway without their seatbelt on?”

You Aren’t Broken, You’re You (Teen/Up, 22K words and counting) A Littles Are Known fic; TK struggles to accept the Little side of him when he and his father move to Austin for a fresh start.  Here’s a morsel— “Tyler Kennedy Strand, you are not broken,” Owen told him fiercely. “Your mother knew that. She looked at you and saw her son who has such a big heart, and loves people so fiercely, and always wanted to help someone who needed it. And what do you mean she doesn’t know?” he squeezed his son’s shoulder. “She’s looking down at you always. I know how proud of you she is.

“How?” TK asked.

“Because,” Owen said, gently tugging on his son’s ears, eliciting a smile. “When we couldn’t talk about anything else, we could talk about you. And how much we loved you. And how proud you make us both every day. And how we didn’t screw everything up, to get this great of a kid”. TK blushed and shook his head.

Listening Allergy- (M; 5K Words) TK disagrees when Judd and Carlos say he isn't ready to ride a horse solo; he decides to test if they're right or not. Here's a morsel -

“[Judd] is totally out of line,” TK said huffily to Carlos. “He’s just being a jerk”.

Carlos pulled TK closer once again and rubbed his back. “He’s only saying it because he’s concerned about you,” Carlos said softly, kissing TK on the forehead. They were now the only ones in the stable. “And I know you might not be happy about it,” he added, “but I agree. I don’t want you hitting up the horse solo just yet”.

“Well, I wasn’t going to hit them,” TK joked. When his husband’s face didn’t change, TK traded in his grin for a pout. “Babe, do you ever think you’re being too overprotective?”

Carlos looked at his husband, eyebrows raised. “You know, I don’t, baby. And for someone who spends as much time on Wikipedia as you do, are you telling me you never looked up what happened to the first guy who played Superman?”

“I know Christopher Reeve had a horse accident”. TK said. “And how do you even know that? You’re allergic to pop culture”.

“Everyone who has or had horses knows that story,” Carlos responded. “And put the pout away. You can still go out later. I would just be going with you. Would that be so bad?”

“No”. TK grinned despite himself. “I would like that”.

Fuzzy Hitchhikers (G, 3k Words) - TK and Carlos see a petting zoo across the street from their farmer's market, where two small friends come home with TK. Here's a morsel -

“The baby chicks!” TK said in an awed whisper, gently cradling two chicks in his hands. “They must have crawled in there. How long did they sleep in there?”

“Probably since you laid down on the floor of a petting zoo?” Carlos suggested. “I’m going to put the cold stuff away. Then we can take them back”.

“Take them back?” TK looked at Carlos like he had suggested they throw puppies off a rooftop. “We can’t do that!”

“TK”. Carlos rubbed his hands up and down his husband’s arms. “Baby… we can’t keep two baby chickens in our loft”.

“What are we going to do?” TK scoffed, holding them close to his face. “Let them wander the streets of Austin? Look at the size of them”.

“We’re going to take them back to the petting zoo, TK”. Carlos said. TK took a step back so he was out of range.

“Well, we’ve got all day for that”. TK said, going over to the windows. “They want to see the loft. Can you two believe how big our windows are?”

Close Call (G, 4K words) inspired by beautiful art by @heartstringsduet - I would link it here if I knew how to do that - but Carlos tries not to worry when TK takes the Camaro solo for an afternoon... until he doesn't come home on time. Here's a morsel -

The caller ID read APD – Jacks, 14.

“Hello?” Carlos answered his phone.

“Hi, Carlos? This is Colby Jacks, from the 14?”

“Hi, Colby,” Carlos said. Colby and Carlos were in the academy at the same time; he worked at the fourteenth precinct now, but Carlos never minded running into him. Colby was a lot more open-minded than a lot of the APD were, and Carlos had given Colby a ride home a couple of times when they were rookies and he saw Colby waiting for the bus after his shift. “How are you?” Carlos asked.

“Not too bad,” Colby answered. He sounded nervous. “I wanted to call because… is your husband’s last name Strand?”

“Yes,” Carlos said, his stomach dropping. “Yes, yes it is. Why?”

The Moviecation of Carlos Reyes (T, 11K and counting) While TK is laid up on from an on the job injury, he learns Carlos doesn't have a favorite movie and strives to find one that Carlos can call his favorite. Here's a morsel -

“I don’t think you can moonlight as a one-man band,” Carlos objected. “That makes it sound like you’re getting paid”. They kept watching for a few more minutes before Carlos spoke again. “The nanny came home without the kids? That’s not a good nanny”.

“Her care.com reviews would not be good,” TK agreed. “But she’s quitting, so she doesn’t care”.

Carlos nodded. “I like how the household staff join the mom in her song. They seem very into it”.

“You know, the actress who played the mom only passed recently?” TK mentioned. “She was over a hundred”.

“Wow”. Carlos said. “They have to put the banners away because the dad is coming home and he hates them? The dad kind of sucks, doesn’t he?”

“Yes!” TK exclaimed eagerly. “That’s one of the central themes of the movie! And it’s not all his fault, but that’s a big part of it”.

Bad Habits and Consequences - (M, 4K words) Carlos learns the hard way that TK has a bad habit when he drives alone at night.... and gives TK a hard lesson to combat it. Here's a morsel -

TK waited nervously as he heard the footsteps of the officer walking towards his window. He didn’t look up until he heard a voice say, “License and registration, please”.

TK knew that voice.

TK looked up and grinned at the flashlight shining in his face. “Hi, baby”.

Carlos’s face didn’t waver; not a flicker of a smile, nothing that indicated he was addressing his husband. He didn’t even blink as he repeated, “License and registration, please”.

“Carlos”. TK whined. “You know who I am”.

“Yes, I do”. Carlos said, leaning his elbows on the open window. “TK, do you know why I pulled you over?”

Carlos's Secret Talent (G, 3K words) TK is having trouble sleeping after his bout with hypothermia; Carlos uses his talent of swaddling his sister's kids in blankets to help his boyfriend get some shuteye. Here's a morsel -

“Baby, you are home and breathing without the help of a machine,” Carlos told him softly. “You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. You will be cleared for work if you let yourself rest now. There’s no rush. Okay?”

“Fine”. TK sighed. “But I still…” his voice trailed off as he took stock of what Carlos was doing. “Carlos”. He moaned softly. “Come on. This is so not fair”.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Carlos murmured, his thumb stroking down the middle of TK’s face. It was a trick he had gotten from Owen when they were staying at his house. To start with his thumb in the middle of TK’s forehead and stroke down the middle of his face to the end of his nose and it had a Pavlovian effect on him; without fail, it always lulled him to sleep.

“You fight dirty,” TK murmured as his eyelids started feeling more and more heavy. “I’m going to get…” Carlos smiled as TK’s voice trailed off as he watched him fall to sleep before his eyes. He kept stroking down TK’s face for a few more minutes until he was sure he was really asleep.

“Anyone who doesn’t want me to swaddle them should speak up now,” Carlos murmured as he rocked TK in his arms. “No? Okay, then. This worked once, baby. We’ll see if it helps again”. With one arm still around TK, he grabbed TK’s favorite blanket with his other arm. He laid it on the couch, keeping TK as close to him as possible. He made sure his breath was still landing on TK’s ears.

You Learn Something New Everyday -(NR, 3K words) TK takes it upon himself to rid their place of clutter to put Carlos at ease. Carlos is NOT at ease when he learns exactly how TK has been decluttering their place. Here's a morsel -

“TK”. Carlos put his hand over his husband’s mouth. “Sweetheart, I need you to back this up for me. When I take my hand off your mouth, I need you to tell me how you know the person who is at our door asking for you right now”. He took his hand off TK’s face.

“I’m sorry, babe,” TK said, an all-too-familiar mischievous look in his eyes. “I wasn’t trying to get you worked up. But Sebastian’s totally cool. I met him on Facebook Marketplace. He’s here because he bought the skis from me”.

Carlos’s eyes all but popped out of his head. “You… met him on Facebook Marketplace?”

“Yeah”. TK nodded proudly. “Just doing what you told me”.

The hits just kept on coming. “I told you to put our address on the open internet and to invite complete strangers over?” Carlos asked, mystified. “Cause… you know, I think I’d remember that”.

The Shady Lane Five - (G, 9K words) TK offers to help Carlos's sister when she mentions how the vet she works for gets rid of unwanted dogs. Here's a morsel -

“Carlos”. TK said in a much more whiny voice than he meant to. “You know you’re just leaving your nephew to fend for himself?”

Carlos reached around TK to close the front door. “Babe, he’s not out in the wilderness. He’s in his own driveway, with two friends, and most likely, a smart phone in his pocket”.

“Oh yeah”. TK nodded, droplets of water dripping from his hair. “He’s got a really nice one”.

“TK”. Carlos crossed his arms. “Didn’t we say no razor scooter?”

“You said it”. TK said mutinously. “I decided that I didn’t agree. What?” he said to combat the incredulous look his husband was giving him. “Carlos, I never had one of these as a kid. It’s fun”.

“Really?” Carlos said, his eyebrow raised. “So the story your dad told me about the fifth grader who rode his razor scooter down the steps at his school on a dare and broke both of his wrists — who was that about?”

TK’s face dropped. “He told you about that?!”

Sid and Tabasco - (G, 2K words) Carlos and TK go riding at Judd's brother's ranch. Tk helps some horses face their fear. Here's a morsel

TK would describe their horse going over the fence as more of a hop. He still let out a whoop of excitement. Carlos reined the horse in and looked back. “How was that, baby?”

“That was amazing,” TK said, bouncing in the saddle. “I’m glad you weren’t on horseback when we first met”.

Carlos’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Why?”

“Because I would have asked you to marry me that first night”. TK said as he kissed him.

Captain Judd - (M, 6k words) Judd reminds TK why he needs to use his listening ears, no matter who is in charge. Here's a morsel -

“I get it”. TK groaned. “I thought I could get the kids. I didn’t think the branch would give way”.

“No, you didn’t think, end of sentence”. Judd told him. “Hell, you ain’t even a firefighter now, you’re a paramedic. One who already almost died in water. If any medic was going to do that, it never should have been you”.

“Where are my pants?” TK said, rifling through his bag. “Did I really not grab them before I went to shower?” He looked over his shoulder. “You can keep going, Judd. I’m listening”.

“The hell you are”. Judd stood up to his full height. “What was the last thing I said to you, TK?”

TK looked up at him with a smile. “It was ‘what was the last thing I said to you, TK?’”

Sometimes Love is Lizards (G, 5K words) - Love knows no bounds, and love leads Carlos to accompany his baby to his personal hell; a lizard convention. Here's a morsel -

Carlos was very familiar with the TK pout. But he couldn’t wrap his arms around his husband’s waist in public, so he pulled him closer by his backpack strap. “Really?” he asked softly. “Cause even if you got one of the snakes that are only $150, rest assured, baby. There’s nowhere you could hide it on your person that I couldn’t find it”.

“I think that came out a lot hotter than you meant it to,” TK said, beaming at him. “And it wasn’t anything like that,” TK added. “But what I wanted to do next is something I think you’d want to stay away from”.

“Try me”. Carlos said, unblinking (he kept to himself that Carlos felt that way about every single thing they’d seen today, right down to the guy selling freeze-dried ice cream).

“Okay”. TK started. “Cause I don’t know if you saw this when we were looking at this online, but they… they sort of have… bug tables… here”.

That, Carlos wasn’t expecting.

“Bug tables?” Carlos repeated. “There’s… no chance you just meant ‘big’ tables, is there?”

“Well, I mean, they do have those too,” TK nodded. “The freeze dried ice cream guy’s table is massive. But they have vendors here with different bugs. And I heard about this guy who builds different enclosures for jumping spiders, and I… kind of wanted to check it out”.

But I don't WANT to go to bed - (M, 7K words) TK has trouble getting to bed on time when he's home alone - Carlos helps with that after learning TK has been saying he's gone to bed when he hasn't. Here's a morsel -

“Don’t get yourself all worked up,” Carlos said softly, kissing TK above his left eyebrow. “Let’s get ready for bed”.

“Right now?” TK said, trying not get his hopes up too much. “I’m not in trouble?”

Carlos watched as hope and eagerness washed over his husband’s face. His husband, who no doubt had lied to him the past couple nights. Moments like this reminded Carlos that no matter how sneaky or naughty he was, he truly loved this man with everything in him and then some.

Of course, that didn’t mean Carlos couldn’t have some fun now.

“Come here, baby boy,” Carlos said, pulling TK closer. He put both hands on TK’s face and started with kissing the top of his head and working his way down. “You’re not in trouble,” he said, watching TK’s eyes light up. As he got closer to his ears, Carlos leaned in and whispered, “You’re in big trouble”.

The Magnificent Owl - (G, 4K words) TK sees an injured owl on a call and schemes to see if he can take it home. Here's a morsel -

“Thank you,” TK murmured into Carlos’s lips as he kissed him. “You’re the best husband in the world”.

“I know”. Carlos smiled. “But so are you”. He had kissed every part of TK’s face before he whispered, “Have the grapefruit this morning if you can”.

TK pulled back with a groan. “So not sexy, babe”.

“I’m just saying,” Carlos said, still holding TK in his arms. “I know you’d complain if I didn’t include the teddy grahams, but those aren’t the first thing to use up. You need the energy”.

“The same cannot be said for you,” TK replied, running his hand through his husband’s perfect curls. “Babe, this is your day off. You’re supposed to relax”.

“I am relaxing”. He said. “I haven’t put my contacts in yet. And I slept in today”.

That, TK couldn’t let slide. “You were up before six”.

“No, I was up at six”. Carlos said proudly. “You were almost up before me”.

A Boy and a Cat - (G, 5k words) Austin first responders all are given a shift at an animal shelter on its last legs. Carlos expected his husband to fall in love with every animal in his eyeline. He didn't expect to find one he would bond with. Here's a morsel -

“This is Leon.” TK said, with the pride of a parent holding their newborn child. “Isn’t he magnificent?” Carlos swallowed. He had a few other words he would use to describe Leon.

Leon, who was a fully grown ostrich.

Leon, who was a good three feet taller than them — if not more.

Leon, who was watching them with big, unblinking eyes, and made Carlos remember something he had learned in school about how birds were the closest living relatives to dinosaurs. Carlos had never been this close to a bird this big, but getting a look at his talons, Carlos would have to agree.

“So,” TK said, nudging Carlos’s side. “What do you think?”

“I think…” Carlos looked up at Leon, then back at TK. “Baby, please tell me you know that we can’t adopt Leon”.

“Yeah, I know”. TK chuckled. “His last owner had an ostrich farm, he needs to hold out for something like that. Although,” he added with that smile on his face, “we do have those high ceilings…”

“TK”. Carlos groaned, but his husband was off to the races.

“And ostriches don’t eat bearded dragons,” TK went on eagerly. “I checked. And you know how you and Paul have an ongoing debate of who makes better omelets? Well, imagine the omelets you could make… with ostrich eggs!”

I did this late and it's NEW Year's Eve but I wanted to share my writing... cause I just think it's neat... but open tag to anyone who hasn't shared this yet and wants to!! :)

[holly-louisexox]

Ribcage X Andy Biersack- Part 22

Masterlist

"There's one thing you should know about me Delia Vincent, I don't date. Got no heart to break and emptiness is safe, keep it that way."

He was adamant in his choices...

...But then things changed

"This is officer John Davies interviewing the case of a missing person known as Delia Grace Vincent, 2nd of December." The police offer start the interview with Shevy and the band by speaking into the audio recorder that he had brought along for information. "First of all, Does Miss Vincent have anyone on Seattle she may have taken refuge with?"

"No, Delia's from Ohio, she lives there with her parents." Shevy explains. "We came to Seattle for a tour, these guys are in a band, myself and Delia are crew managers and department specialists."

"Would you say this disappearing is out of character to her?" Officer Davies continues to question.

"Very. Delia's been nothing but professional this whole tour, she would never just up and leave like this. Plus her items were still in her hotel room suggesting she never came back last night." Lonny explains, he almost felt like he was having to prove to this police officer that Delia was not a bad person.

"And how do you mean 'she never came back last night'? Where you guys out last night?" The officer asks lifting an eyebrow to the group; he was trying to get every detail out of the group to try and find anything that would lead the team to knowing the whereabouts of Delia.

"We had a show here last night and it was the last show of tour so we went for drinks at the pub down the road to celebrate." Jake tells the officer.

"Did anything happen that could have influenced the disappearance?" Officer Davies asks which makes Andy gulp nervously, was the officer going to completely blame him? He guessed he was at fault for this but he just wanted her back safe, he never wanted her to go missing, to get hurt, or worst, killed.

"I may have had a bit of a disagreement with her last night... She slapped me round the face then stormed off outside." Andy stutters out trying not to let his voice crack and start crying again. "But that was the last time I saw her or heard from her."

"What was the disagreement about?" The officer is now focusing his attention on Andy which made the lead singer feel more nerves and a weight on his chest; he was not about to let himself break down now though.

"I hadn't been completely truthful or fair to her. The truth is I really liked her but was too closed to show it so pushed her away. Then last night I couldn't do it anymore and I realised I needed her so I told her and she reacted badly to it. I can't say I blame her but yeah... She left because of me. We all knew what was going on here in Seattle and I let her leave, it's all my fault." Andy heard his voice crack at the end, felt the tears he was trying to keep in fall down his face.

"You can't blame yourself for this son." Officer Davies breaks his serious vibe to show some sympathy towards the crying singer. "Has anyone had any contact with her since last night?"

"No, none. We've tried calling her and it just rings and rings until it goes to voicemail." Shevy explains.

"Okay that could be useful, if someone could give me Miss Vincent's number, we may be able to track the location of the phone to help find her." Officer Davies announce which instantly brings some hope to the group and Lonny is instantly pulling his phone out of his pocket to search for Delia's number.

"I have her number here." Lonny perks up before reading out the number.

"Okay that will be helpful and we will get tracking made available as soon as possible. If I could also take your number young man so that we can alert you all of any updates." All attention is now turned to Lonny, it would make sense for Lonny to be in charge of updates, he's been the most sensible and head strong so far. "That concludes the interview, the last thing I will require is a recent photo of Miss Vincent so we can identify her."

-----------------------

Waking up Delia was met with foggy vision and a slight headache. She didn't even drink that much last night. Looking around the room she was then confused to find she was not in her hotel room, where was she? What happened? Then it hit her, the tall blonde guy she walked into, what was his name again? Sam maybe? he insisted on a hug then covered her face with a cloth. Did he drug her?

Sitting up made her head spin slightly, but she was determined to figure out where she was. standing up to look out the window she realises she recognises nothing, was she even still in Seattle? Delia then walks over to the door of the room and tries to open it only to realise it was locked. Shit, she was trapped. It was locked from the outside with no way of unlocking it from the inside. Sitting back down on the bed, she then goes to grab her phone from her pocket only to realise that it was missing; it's at that moment the same blonde man from the bar walks into the room.

"Ah, good, you're awake. I hope the room is to your liking." He smiles, his smile was creepy, she couldn't put her finger on why but she felt extremely uncomfortable in his presence.

"Why am I here? Where is this place?" Delia spits slightly trying to hide the fear she felt.

"Never you mind dear, you'll grow to like it here one day." Sam strokes Delia cheek slightly which makes Delia flinch and send him a death glare. "Such hostility, I saw the argument you had with that guy. He wasn't right for you. I saved you, you should be thanking me." Sam smiles again, that same smile that sent a shiver down Delia's spine and not in a good way. 

"You know nothing!" Delia could feel herself getting defensive, she was entering fight or flight mode from the fear she was feeling and right now the fight was winning.

"Was it Andy you got into a fight with? If so he seems to have left a fair few voicemails to you. Ah, this one is my favourite though." Sam grins wickedly now pulling out Delia's phone before playing the voicemail left from Andy.

"Delia, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I know I've been a dick and I know I hurt you but please let me try to make this right, please just give me one last chance. If that really isn't what you want to do then I understand. Please just call one of us and let us know that you're safe, we're all worried about you. All I ever wanted to do was keep you safe, now I see I have failed at even doing that." Andy was broken. Delia could clearly hear the hurt in his voice, could tell he was crying. Suddenly all that fight or flight she had in her melted. Suddenly she wanted nothing more than to be in Andy's arms to bring him some form of comfort, to reassure him that she was okay. She knew that he was blaming himself for this, she didn't want that to happen. This was all her fault. She knew what was going on in Seattle and she stupidly thought she could make it to the hotel alone. Why did she have to be such an idiot?

"Please just let me go." Delia begs feeling a tear fall down her face "I won't tell anyone of any of this, please just let me go."

"Now why would I do that? I can take better care of you than what Andy could, I could make you happy." Sam again strokes Delia's face and this time she doesn't flinch. She just sits there frozen as she feels another tear fall down her face.

"Take care of me? you killed those other women!" She chokes, she was desperate to stop herself from crying, she did not want this monster to see her weak.

"What you need to understand pretty girl, I want someone to share my life with. They were not worthy so I had to... dispose of them so to speak. I need perfection, you've got the looks but I need you to worship me. But let's not move on too soon." Sam smiles sitting next to Delia on the bed.

"You're sick!" Delia spits feeling uncomfortable by the sudden invasion of her space.

"Now, now, let's not be unreasonable." Sam shakes his head slightly before going to place a hungry kiss on Delia's lips. This instantly makes Delia push him off  her which results in a sudden stinging sensation to her cheek. 

He had slapped her. 

"The choice is yours my dear. You either worship me like a good little bitch or you find yourself floating in the Seattle Ferry landing pier." Sam spits as he stands up to exit the room. As soon as he walks out Delia hears the locking of the door. That's when she realises how fucked she is. she has to try and escape this place somehow, but how will she? Could she?

"Andy, please find me. I need you." Delia sobs into the pillow after having thrown herself to lay on the bed.

Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Delia was hoping, was praying that she could escape this. She wanted to be able to spend Christmas with her family, she wanted to see her new found friends again, but most of all... She wanted Andy to tell her that everything would be okay.

[madiganwrite]

Sacrifices to the Snow - Not the first time.

Everything was calm except for the sound of my footprints and the struggle of the man in the bag I was towing. He was screaming for help, but no one was going to help him. We were in the middle of the woods in Alaska. It was 2:03am local time on the 5th of December, it was dark and freezing cold. Everything around was white and the snow was dancing down. We finally made it to the small red shack. I opened the door and struggled to swing the bag in. Closing the door behind me as I stepped in. I grabbed a knife and I took the man out of the bag.

“Who the fuck are you!” he yelled, he was scared. I could tell by the rash look in his eyes.

I didn't say a word. I dragged the knife over his face in a shushing motion. I looked at him like he was beautiful. I pressed my face close to his. He was breathing heavily. His eyes widened as sweat dripped down his forehead,but he didn't say a word or move an inch. I moved my mouth to be right next to his ear. 

“Y'know I’m going to kill you right?” I whispered.

I stood up as the man started screaming for help. He was nothing to me. I grabbed an axe, watching his face pale as I held it over his head. A deer in headlights. Chop. Just like that, another man’s life, taken.

Quick and easy as always.  

I shoved him back in the bag and started my hike further out to the woods. It was the usual job for me. I found a spot, and I dumped him there. On my walk back, it hit me. The wave of regret that I could never quite shake. This isn't what I wanted to do, but I had to do it, for her.

Back in front of that little shack I fell to my knees. All I wanted was for her to love me. I didn't want to have to do all of this. The tears started flowing slowly out of my eyes, the eyes that captured every moment. I took a switch knife out of my pocket. I stared at the knife, looking at myself in the reflection. All I saw was a monster. I took my jacket off and pressed the knife against my bicep until I drew blood. It didn't feel great but it was my punishment for doing this, doing this for her. 

[afteriwake]

Concrete Consequences (A "Beautiful Accidents" Story)

And here's Molly finding out she's pregnant/John finding out ht etruth! Though not requested by @strangedreamings it's for her all the same because we both like fanon!John more than canon!John.

Concrete Consequences - Molly finds out she's pregnant, and she tells John the whole truth.

READ @ AO3 | SERIES PAGE

She bit her thumb as she waited. A huge bottle of cranberry juice later she’d had to wee like her life depended on it. And to be quite honest? It probably did. She had known there could be consequences shagging Sherlock not once but twice on his night of reprieve, but he had needed her and she couldn’t say no.

She’d never say no to him.

But now there were concrete consequences. She was two weeks late and had been feeling nauseous at the smell of coffee, leaving her with other forms of caffeine to stay awake. And here she was at John’s clinic, waiting for the results.

John came back in, scratching his chin. “Well, you’re definitely pregnant. I didn’t realize you were seeing anyone.”

“I’m not,” she said, panic hitting her hard.

“Molly, is there someone I can call for you? Do you need help telling your partner?”

She took a deep breath. “He’s dead. Well, sort of.”

John’s eyes widened. “Sherlock?” She nodded. “But you didn’t...he’s been dead longer than you’ve been pregnant. How?!?”

“That’s why I said ‘sort of.’ You have to act like nothing has changed, John. Mycroft is going to kill Sherlock and me, but I might as well dig myself in deeper since it’s all gone to shite anyway. Sit down.” Dazed, John did as she was told, and Molly began to pace in front of him. “Sherlock didn’t die on the roof. It was all an illusion. He’s off dismantling Moriarty's network of spies, informants and criminals.”

“Is Moriarty…?”

“Dead as a door-nail. I did the autopsy myself. He’s in an unmarked grave somewhere I’m not privy to. But he’s dead.”

“Oh.” John braced his hands together. “Then how...when did you and Sherlock…?”

“He came to visit me December 1st,” she said, wringing her hands. “things...happened. I wasn’t on the pill, we didn’t use protection, but yes. I haven’t seen or heard from him since, but I know he’s not dead dead. Mycroft would tell me.”

“Of course Mycroft knows,” John murmured. “So now you’re pregnant with my dead mate’s child after one night together, except he’s not dead and we’re the only ones who know you’re pregnant. Well, other than Mary.”

“Mary?”

“One of the nurses. She saw me look confused and asked what was going on.” He slumped in the chair and ran a hand over his lower face. “Do you want to keep the baby?”

“Of course I do!” she snapped, turning to face him head on. “He’ll come back. I just...he needs to know.”

“Yeah, and Mycroft needs to know too. You need more protection in case Moriarty’s crew figures out the truth.” He stood up and then he began to pace. “You need a boyfriend.”

“Pardon?”

“You need a secret boyfriend who will play along with the pregnancy. You can’t do it alone, Molly, not even with me and Mycroft knowing the truth.”

She thought for a moment. “There’s a man on my detail, Tom Harrington. He’s friendly with me, and he knows I’m in love with Sherlock.”

“Would Mycroft let him pretend to be your boyfriend, though?” John asked.

“Probably? I mean, this child is his family, too.” She shut her eyes as a wave of nausea swept over her.

“Bin is over here,” John said gently, leading her to the corner of the exam room.

“No, no, I’m fine. It just comes and goes.” She took a few deep breaths, in through her nose and out through her mouth, until the feeling subsided. “You are taking this well,” she said as she opened her eyes.

“It’s a big shock for me to find out Sherlock is still alive, yeah, but you’re pregnant with his child and no one outside of a select few can know. I’ll deal with it later. You need my support.”

“Oh, John, thank you,” she said, reaching over and embracing him. He hugged her back and they stood there a moment. “What do I do now?”

“We’ll go talk to Mycroft together. I can recommend you to a good obstetrician, and you can see me for regular check-ups. And I’ll make it a point to be more involved in your life. I think we can say I’ve moved on enough to pick up old friendships. But no matter what, Molly, you’re not alone, okay?”

“Okay,” she said, feeling tears well up in her eyes. John reached up and brushed them away, then hugged her again. Everything will be okay, she said to herself, trying to calm her nerves. I’m not alone. Everything will be just fine.

[skyguyslittleproblem]

venting under the line, trigger warning for eating disorder, self-harm, sexual assault and suicide attempts.

I don't talk about being fifteen often. Maybe I should, to let it all out and all that jazz, but it's hard. It's hard remembering everything that had happened, trying to piece together all the memories I purposefully blocked out and figure out who exactly was at fault, so I think I need to start at the beginning.

My biggest nightmare, the person that will never stop haunting me, someone I considered my best friend and the love of my life, who I will refer to as V. We met at summer camp, I was 12, he was 14. We both hated each other's guts, he was one of the weirdest dudes I have ever met and I also thought he was pretty ugly. I skipped summer camp the next year, as did he. But the year after that, when I was 14 and he was 16 and when I saw him again, after two years, I developed the biggest crush ever. He grew his hair out and got really tall, he was dorky and quite awfully dreamy in my eyes. He didn't speak much to me, but I treassured every word that was addressed to me. He had this deep voice now, unlike the screachy sound he made two years prior. And the guitar, the way he held it like it was the most precious thing in the world, the way his fingers could produce the most beautiful sound. This is going to sound really silly, but he played Kara's theme, the one from Detroit: Become Human, my favourite game since the first moment I saw it, and I was sold. Everything about him was dreamy in my eyes. He didn't really care about me though. The camp ended, but my hopes weren't crushed yet.

I turned 15 in September and he 17. Our birthdays are four days apart. My best friend from camp, the girl he was actually into, had a boyfriend at the time. So she, we'll call her T, helped me out and steered him in my direction. We talked, but he still wasn't interested, he was only talking to me to make T happy. But as time went on, we got closer. He helped me pick out a guitar in October and taught me the basics. In November, we hung out properly for the first time. And it was nice, I think that was the moment he started thinking I'm not all that bad sometimes. I've had insomnia ever since I could remember and the only thing that would help me, was someone reading stories to me, so he called me every night and read until I fell asleep. I was so happy. In December, he came out to me as bi, me being the only queer person he knew. I told him I knew for at least two months.

31st of December 2020 will forever be engraved in my memory. V stopped replying to my messages and a few days earlier, he told me his mental health wasn't great. He was first diagnosed with depression when he was around 12. Mine wasn't great either, but at least we could lean on each other. I was scared, we were both hurting ourselves at that point, and what if he went too deep? What if something happened? I called him and he picked up. He was sobbing and I couldn't understand him a word, but he was alive. Later he told me I had saved him back then. That he wanted to kill himself that day and if I hadn't called, he probably would.

I had a lot of problems, I still do. My eating disorder, which I had since I was 11 (thanks mum), was beating my ass, I was cutting myself every other day and I thought about dying way too much. He made me go to the school counsellor. It was the 6th of January, I was listening to OK Computer by Radiohead, Electioneering was playing when I stepped off the bus and snow was everywhere. I'm pretty sure I still have the photo I took at that moment. The meeting was shit. I talked about how my parents put me down, how they make comments about my body, always yell about my bad marks, but never mention the good ones, how they laugh at me. That it's been like that for ages. The counsellor told me that I should go for a walk sometimes or read a book, because she called my class teacher and he said my marks were good, so obviously my issues weren't that bad. I convinced her to help me and so she told me, she could probably get me a therapist. I asked if she could perhaps not call my parents and she said she wouldn't. She did, they were at the school for at least two hours and then they came home and yelled at me for hours.

The therapist was an idiot. Told me I should do yoga and sit up straight. When I told him I had issues with food, because of my parents, he told me I should cook for them. I never went back.

We got together on 15th of January 2021. He told me he loved me that day, on a bench in a park. I wasn't sure if I loved him too just yet. I was never in love before, how was I supposed to know? But I said it back anyway. I didn't want him to leave me. He kissed me and I liked it. Few days later, when we hung out inside for the first time, we made out. He started touching me and when I said I didn't want to do that just yet, he said he respected that. After that, he touched me again. I let it happen that time, I didn't know how to say no.

I didn't learn how to say no for a long time. When I did, he told me he needed sex and I let him happen again. Every time I said no, he convinced me. Sometimes I cried. I didn't know why, I didn't realise I didn't want it, because I did for him. The crying only stopped him sometimes, sometimes he would just ignore it and do his thing. He wasn't the first person, who touched me like that without my consent, but I didn't realize that it wasn't okay, not until I was seventeen.

He had to go to a mental hospital in spring. He called me every day, crying that he didn't want to be there. I just cried because I had no idea what to do. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't paying attention in school, I wanted him to go home. With every call I begged him to go home, he was hurting himself even in the hospital and sending me photos and I was so lost. I didn't know how to deal with everything, I was fucking fifteen. He was the older one, yet I was the one, who felt like his mother. He returned after two weeks, it just made things worse. It was the worst two weeks of my life.

I grew attached after that, I didn't want to be without him. I'd make a scene every time he went away for longer than a night and couldn't call me. He went on a trip for a few days, he couldn't have his phone on him. I threw a tantrum. I threatened him, said I would hurt myself if he went. He said he'd call my parents and tell them. I just cried after that and he went on the trip. I made the trip terrible for him. This happened many times, sometimes he'd leave the place he was to come to me and comfort me, sometimes he didn't and I got so angry I ingored him, leaving him in worry. He never knew if I did something to myself, if I was even alive.

He threw tantrums too. We lived around thirty minutes from each other if I took the bus, an hour if I went by train. Sometimes he'd text me, saying he was feeling like shit, asking if I could come over. Sometimes I was in the middle of something, once it was baking. He blocked me or just didn't reply, I can't remember, but there were cookies in the oven and I had to wait for them to finish baking before I could catch the bus. I remember running to his house, sick with worry that he had tried to kill himself again. He didn't that day, but this situation happened once a week.

We were slowly breaking each other. For a year and a half, this is all we did. The same scenarios over and over again. I had a temper and he did a lot of stupid childish things. It was always the same; he would fuck something up and I would yell at him for being stupid.

I started planning to break up with him in the summer of 2022. A mutual friend warned me, said his dad was like V - his parents divorced earlier that year - told me to get out while I still could. I started opening up my eyes that day.

I planned the break up for weeks. His parents were gone for a week, so I moved in for the week. When he was sleeping, I hid everything sharp and all the alcohol in his room. I let his closest friends know, which day I'd do it, so that they could come over and be with him.

I let him know, gently, that I wanted to break up. He cried for hours and I held him. When he stopped crying, his friends came and I left for the evening. Somehow his mother found out and yelled at me for two whole minutes, how dare I do that to her. She was yelling at a sixteen-year-old. I hung up and cried, before eventually returning to his house. I think he was drunk, I stayed for the rest of the week, until his parents returned. We were broken up, but still together at least once a week for another half a year. I cut him off after that.

Many things happened, that I can't remember clearly enough to write about. I know I tried to kill myself a few times by getting drunk, eating pills and falling asleep on my back. I don't remember how many times or when I did that.

I know he was possessive after we broke up, texting me where I was and who was I with all the time. I know other things happened, bbut I can't remember what exactly.

I don't remember so many things, it haunts me sometimes.

I don't know if I was a bad person or if I was just a kid and I don't think I ever will.

[lizlet]

2023, in bullet points

I find myself consumed by an assortment of random thoughts, as we reach the end of the year, and as the sun aims downward for one last sunset, I'm going to try sharing them... in the form of bullet points!

In January of 2023, I got to interview John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats, because he guest-starred on an episode of Poker Face and one of the cool things about working for a publication that's largely focused on music is that all I had to do to get his reps' info was ask a colleague. It was a good, fun interview, and he gave me his direct phone number in case I needed to ask him any follow-ups, and I actually did have something I needed to clarify. So I called him a second time, and during that second call, I told him the thing that I'd held back during that first interview, because I'm always on the fence about how much to say to people about how much I love their work: I told him how much I love the song "This Year," how I blast it every New Year's Eve and scream along in triumph, because it's so much easier to sing "I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me" on December 31st. I don't have a transcript of that second call, but I remember he took the compliment with practiced grace, saying something along the lines of "Thank you for saying that, because it means I know I did at least one thing with my time on this earth that helps people."

That's often what I think about, when measuring my accomplishments for the year — what are the things I did that made the world a slightly better place, on a big or large level?

I know I wrote a lot. Wrote stuff I was very proud of and wrote stuff I was less proud of, but sometimes that's what happens. Got into a good groove with Wren Graves at Consequence, who became my default editor early in the year and has proven to be annoyingly good at noticing when a piece could be better and pointing that out. It's good to have an editor who is a lovely and generous person and who also knows your flaws (like, for example, the fact that I maybe repeat words a little too often; if Wren were editing this, he'd send me back this paragraph with the word "good" in bold three times, and he would be right to do so).

Did a lot of interviews, even with the double strike shutting down a lot of opportunities, and checked a few people off the ol' bucket list. (I don't know why John Cho has eluded me for years, but achievement unlocked, thanks to The Afterparty Season 2.) It is still a bit baffling to the awkward-ass adolescent who lurks inside me that a significant part of my job is talking to famous people, and that I may be pretty good at it. (Sorry Wren.)

Hit my second anniversary at Consequence, an outlet that lets me get weird when the occasion calls for it and always offers up new challenges. (Got a couple of big challenges already in the works for January, which I'm doing my best not to think about until January 2nd.) It's a small but mighty team, and I'm happy to be working with them all.

Got elected to the position of secretary on the Television Critics Association board, which has also presented a wild new array of challenges, but the other board members are great and Winter Press Tour is on! ::knocks on any available wood nearby::

I tried as much as possible to be a person who says yes to things, especially if they might lead to wild new experiences. Saw more friends and more theater and live comedy than I have in years past, which makes me happy. (Especially when I can combine the friends WITH the theater and live comedy.)

Also got to spend a good amount of time with my family, who are cool people that I just genuinely enjoy spending time with. Even went on a gosh-darned vacation with them, to Ireland and Scotland, which was overall pretty magical. It's funny how when you're a kid, going on a bus trip to look at pretty scenery sounds very boring, and yet when you're an adult, that's just a really wonderful time.

Continued two streaks of approximately equal length: sobriety and daily usage of Duo Lingo. Both have been rewarding in their own unique ways.

Thanks in part to Duo Lingo, I learned how to type é and ü characters on a keyboard, which isn't a huge deal necessarily, but I have been typing on computers for nearly the entire span of my life (started around three or four years old) and so learning a new trick, after all this time, was pretty exciting. You go around thinking you know everything there is to know, and then you learn a new thing, and it makes you excited to find out what else there is to learn.

That's the energy I try to bring to every year, even a year like 2023, which on a global level was undeniably pretty garbage, especially the way it set the stage for 2024 being potentially worse. I donate money to big and small causes and take public transit whenever I can and only spend time on Elon Musk's Twitter when it's absolutely essential (someone has posted a link to an adorable cat video). I know I could be doing more. I hope I'm doing enough, and try to exceed "enough" when I can.

I had to take a break from writing this just now because I'm in the middle of my second-favorite New Year's Eve tradition: Doing laundry, so that when I get home after a casual hang tonight, I can curl up in my nice clean sheets and wake up like a big toasty cinnamon bun. Best way to start a new year, in my opinion.

While handling laundry, I've been watching The O.C., and it feels like a true portent of good things that my rewatch has brought me to the New Year's Eve episode, even though this means the arrival of Oliver, who I recall being Bad News.

Still, this reminds me to mention that the book I can't stop recommending to people right now is Ben McKenzie's Easy Money, a surprisingly fun read that left me almost feeling like I understand crypto (and definitely makes me think I understand the grotesque human cost of it).

That last bullet point also strongly indicates that I should try to read more books in 2024.

I'm writing this, like I write pretty much everything, in Evernote, and out of laziness I'm going to post it to Tumblr because that should be relatively easy, but I do want to write more personal stuff in the new year, and might look into setting up a new blog or (non-Substack) newsletter for such a purpose.

But I'm also continuing to work on novels — 500 words or so a day, every day I can, until it starts to add up to something. I've developed a lot of daily practices over the last two and a half years: I journal every morning, go running every other day, write my 500 words in the evenings after logging off work, and keep my Wordle and Duo Lingo streaks alive, amongst other things. And they all contribute to me feeling saner and stronger than I remember feeling during the worst periods of my life to date. Worse days may be coming. But I'm glad to be starting the new year with... well, with clean sheets, at the very least.

And before I go out for the night, I may jump around the apartment and sing.

Auld Lang Syne, bitches. Good luck to us all in 2024.

[kurumeki]

Boris 5/23 @Proxima, Warsaw

Last time I saw Boris live was in December 2019 and that was also the first Japanese band I had the chance too see since pandemic started. Needless to say – I was very excited about the gig. I didn’t plan on it, but for some reason I entered the venue first (I’ve never had a ticket number that would be A1 in Japan), and despite running to merch stand first, I still managed to secure a spot in first row, right in front of mic stand. Which is exactly where I wanted to be, knowing that for this tour Atsuo is not playing drums, but being strictly band’s frontman and doing vocals.

Merch wise – I was pretty upset when their staff told me that caps didn’t make it on time for the gig. I really wanted to buy one with Amplifier Worship Service, guess I will have to order it online from their EU store. But I got other items I really wanted – the tour t-shirt with the leopard (love love love the design), I got a patch for my battle vest, pins, stickers (because I also need my laptop to look sick with those) and then I decided to buy a polaroid with the whole band and their autographs; I recall this is pretty rare stuff to buy (price wasn’t that bad? It was 100 PLN per polaroid, I think that’s fair).

Boris is known for bringing less known Japanese bands on tours with them, so support for this part of their European tour was 明日の叙景 (Asunojokei) – fairly new band playing post black metal. I’m not that much into this type of music, but their show was good; I was especially impressed with the vocalist and his general vibe. At the end of their set I snatched the setlist, so I can listen to the exact set later.

Pic from 明日の叙景; it was so easy to spot myself but of course they picked one where my eyes are closed. Oh well.

When time came for Boris, I was so ready. In 2020 they released album NO and that was like my favourite record from that year, it’s so heavy and energetic, I was hoping they would go on tour with this stuff and guess what – it was happening! They played mostly songs from the mentioned NO but also from Heavy Rocks released in 2022 (on my birthday, to be exact! August 12th). I think that’s a perfect super heavy mix. Knowing what to expect, I was preparing myself mentally for their show, but jesus fucking christ – it was so much better than in my imagination.

First of all, being in front row, it wasn’t difficult to get Atsuo’s attention. Guess me willing to give the band my all, to headbang until my neck cracks, to scream their lyrics didn’t go unnoticed. With Atsuo stepping onto the podium in front of the barriers, I didn’t expect anything less than him taking my hand a couple of times; during another song he was having an emotional moment and he fucking cradled my face with his hand, that caught me so off guard but I mean – no complaints. For Fundamental Error I really did my best with singing along and Atsuo fucking held the mic to my lips during chorus. That was well. Also unexpected, but if he wants you to do shit, you just do it. Do I fall for this type of interactions with audience? Absolutely! At the end my efforts were rewarded – for the last song Muchio, the support drummer, left the stage and Atsuo finally sat behind drums. He used the gong behind him (as usual) and poured his heart out on drums when they played Farewell; and as the song and the show finished, he got both of his Pearl gong mallets and gave one to me and the second one to a woman next to me that really was competing for attention.

Some other highlights from the set – I loved their black outfits, I was really fascinated with Wata’s heels, her shoes looked so cool. And while I love watching her absolutely kill it with her vintage Les Pauls, my eyes were drifting to Takeshi (when I was not looking at Atsuo, which was 90% of the time). The double neck bass/electric guitar just looks so fucking cool when he’s playing it and he has got some amazing moves. I was so so sooo happy I got to hear (and sing!) Kikinoue live, that was my dream ever since I heard this song for the first time. Nosferatou was also amazing live, I love how their slow drone tracks feel like being wrapped in a warm blanket of sound. I sure am glad I wore earplugs to the gig, I think I would have not survived in the first row if not that.

Below's the setlist. Encore was Farewell, as mentioned.

After the show I did something that I’ve not done before – decided to wait outside the club for band to come out, because I really needed to talk to Atsuo. I have hinted it a few times already in my posts, but basically on the fanclub platform I’ve asked Morrie if he’d like to go on tour with Boris as their support, to which Morrie very enthustically said that he would love to and he is simply waiting for invitation. Knowing that I could get a chance to talk to Boris about it, how could I not at least try? Also – I’ve made a connection recently, befriending a guy that knows both Morrie and Atsuo privately; the guy and myself really get along and upon hearing that I’m going to Boris show in Warsaw, he decided to text Atsuo and let him know I’d be there.

The wait outside of venue was almost an hour and I almost gave up (not because it was cold; I was just tired after two shows), but then they came out! I nearly ran to them, not risking I miss a chance to speak to them. One good thing about me is that I’m stupid brave, which means that if I get a chance to talk to a musician, then no matter how anxious and silly I feel, I will fucking do it. So I just came over to Atsuo, being full on „hey, do you have a minute? Our mutual friend K-san was telling you about me, I think”. It was so worth to wait for an hour on the back of the club to see Atsuo’s face light up with „oh right! You’re Cherry, nice to meet you”. (DEAD ON THE SPOT!) I passed him the message from Morrie, he laughed about that enthusiasm. We chatted just for a minute or two more and when I was already bowing and wishing them a safe travels for the rest of the tour, Atsuo was like „don’t you want a picture? Come on!” and suddenly we were taking the group shot. That was not on my bingo card for the night. Did I crop the pic from my own instagram? Hell yes, I am a lazy goblin.

It’s safe to say it was easily the best Boris show I’ve been to and I am just already impatiently waiting for them to come back for a show (but this time with Morrie! Come on…).

[isdalinarhot]

4 & 25 for sadeas (and 20 if you have any ideas)

If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

turn him into a dark brown tabby tom and stick him in the next arc of warrior cats books and he'll fit right in. he'll do such a great job. have him train in the dark forest and everything. warrior cats needs their second first gay character (their first first gay character was tallstar of course)

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

okay i know in the fic i am writing now gavilar and sadeas have a somewhat adversarial relationship. but this is because gavilar is inexplicably homophobic and sadeas is gay married to dalinar. in canon, where gavilar doesnt have the slightest clue that dalinar and sadeas are fuckin, gavilar and sadeas are besties 4 life. gavilar dalinar sadeas actually. all besties 4 life. its just that sadeas and dalinar are fuckin which kind of takes them to a category distinct from Friends in each others minds towards something approximating My Favorite Guy To Have A Gay Affair With. but gavilar and sadeas. pure unadulterated no homo yes homicide bullshit. yeah baby.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

i think i thought so little of sadeas that i didn't even have an opinion on him on the first readthrough. i was kind of like well he and dalinar seem to be having some gay shit going on XD but since i hated dalinar for unknown reasons and i hated sadeas for He's A Guy You're Supposed To Hate reasons i was like well im gonna disregard that. i know when i first read wor and i saw a part would have sadeas povs i was like UGH because i thought he was gonna be a main pov character a la kaladin or shallan. which like. society if honestly. was like HOLY SHIT ADOLIN KILLED HIM????????????? when adolin killed him. it wasn't until my second readthrough when i was autistic about dalinar that i started to be like hmm. hmm. hmm theres something there. and i allowed it to be like well i will make 2 billion jokes about dalinar and sadeas being divorced i will make myself a playlist of songs that are about divorce that i can go omg sooooo sadalinar but then like. around december 2021. a switch in my brain flipped. and all of a sudden it wasn't ironic anymore it was one hundred percent dead serious. and now im autistic and the leading professor in the study of torology and my friend who got me into stormlight does not talk to me anymore

[voiceoffenrisulfr]

Hail Hydra - Chapter Nine "Make a Habit of Two Things: To Help; or at Least to Do No Harm."

Things begin to reach their climax, and an announcement reaches the Soviet compound. CW: Forced to kill; death of PoWs; mentions of torture, neglect and abuse; gun violence. Prompts met; ‘The Gift of Gunpoint’ (Alternate) – December 9th prompt, Dead Dove December, ‘Paranoid’ – December 9th prompt, Hurtcember 2023, ‘Brainwashing’ – December 9th prompt, Whumpcember, ‘Can’t Open Their Eyes’ and ‘Feeling Weak From Blood Loss’ – Winter Wonderland Bingo, “Are You Serious?” – Fandom-Free Bingo.

Check it out on AO3 here, or read below the KR with the boards!

There was no respite for me because of my injury, my body being pushed ever further to new extremes, hours upon hours spent running up and down an isolated corridor, seeing how long I could keep sprinting before my exhausted, dehydrated, starved and beaten muscles gave out, and I was dragged back to my cell by my hair. Every ounce of my food was carefully measured, keeping me weak and pliable – not that it was needed. I saw Aleksi daily, his eyes flicking away from mine as I sought his gaze, and I knew, just as he did, that I would remain true to my word; there would be no disobedience from me. Not now. Despite my exhaustion, even I couldn’t help but notice the unrest that began to settle over the compound. I was left in my cell for days at a time, my wounds actually managing to heal before I was subjected to more tests and experiments. I began to feel myself descend into madness and paranoia in my isolation – was this the beginning of the end? Had I almost fulfilled my purpose, and I would soon be disposed of? The idea of not surviving this, having been through so much, was a painful one. For a while, I’d prayed for death, willing an ending to my torture through any means possible. But after months, I’d come too far to give up, and I was determined to see this through until I was free once more. Even in the height of summer, the temperature rarely rose above moderate, but at least the snow melted from the ground – so when I was dragged outside, blinking in the harsh light, my feet found dry earth rather than patches of ice. “Where are you taking me?” I snarled, jerking against my restraints through obligation rather than any real effort or expectation. “Shut up,” Ivan growled, jerking back just as readily. I’d felt the power in my muscles; I knew that if I really wanted to, I could snap him like a twig. But I was drained, both physically and mentally, and I’d long lost the will to fight. I was pushed to my knees before the doctor, wincing into the sun as I raised my gaze to meet his. “You know the drill, Американский,” he breathed, leaning close, his rancid breath washing over my face. “You obey, or the boy dies.” “Yes, Sir,” I replied stiffly, my back tense and nervous. The torture, the tests – it had all become routine and predictable. But here was something new, and I felt sweat bead under my hairline at the thought of the insidious new hell I’d face. “Двигаться! Move!” I turned my head in time to see a string of almost two dozen men dragged out of the compound, chained to one another and dishevelled - but markedly better kept than myself. They were lined up before the doctor, all but one trembling in their hole-riddled boots; the man on the end stood with an air of resilience, a worn American flag on his sleeve, the chevrons on his shoulder marking him as a sergeant - like myself. He nudged the man beside him - a young man with his head bowed and fatigues shredded beyond recognition - who raised his chin obligingly, tears carving tracks through the grime on his cheeks.

"Free the Germans and the Japanese," the doctor barked, eyes narrowed. The soldiers looked on in disbelief as their shackles were released, standing hesitant and nervous, until their seemingly-merciful captor waved his hand. "Go. If you can make your way off the mountain, you can go home. The war is over, and you have lost. We have no use for you anymore." With a glance at one another, the man began to trudge away - some at a stumbling run, others barely able to stand.

I'll be amazed if half of them make it off this mountain alive, I remarked internally - but I knew better by now than to voice my opinions.

The two remaining soldiers – the Sergeant and his companion – still stood with their chins high, staring down the doctor with something akin to disinterest, though the occasional wobble of the youth’s lip betrayed his fear. “А Aмериканцы?” the Soviet soldier by their side pressed, glaring   Americans? Both of them? The doctor’s gaze shifted to me, chilling me to the bone as he smiled viciously. “Let us test your obedience, soldier.” I don’t know what’s happening… But I don’t think I’m going to like it. “Stand.” “You obey this Russki, soldier?” the Sergeant snapped, glaring as I rose to my feet. I ignored him, my eyes emotionless as they found the doctor’s, and he offered me a gun, grip first. “Show them mercy, Американский.” I weighed the weapon in my hand, and the Soviet by the soldiers stepped forward slightly, earning a warning glare from the doctor. I could shoot him right now. I could end this. My eyes flicked around me, taking in the dozen of Soviet soldiers gathered around – and the countless more out of my sightline. I’d probably be dead before he hit the ground, and Aleksi would be close behind. They wouldn’t be allowed to walk out of here anyway. I looked instead to the soldiers, the Sergeant’s eyes widening in disbelief. “Are you serious? You’re an American! Have they brainwashed you?” “Silence, soldier!” the doctor snapped, turning a glare to him, one hand finding my shoulder firmly. “You know what to do.” I know what to do. My hand shook despite myself as I raised my gun level, quickly and calmly burying a bullet into the younger’s forehead. He doesn’t need to see his superior officer be sh- The logical decision-making of my mind was brushed aside as the Sergeant charged, snarling, my shot coming panicked and unsteady, slicing through the soft skin under his jaw. He stumbled as he reached me, falling to his knees, crimson pumping over the dirt-encrusted uniform as his lip curled in a death glare. My eyes closed automatically as he reached for me weakly, shutting out the sight of this torturous display, even when the doctor growled in my ear and grasped my jaw warningly, lids glued together in horror. “Open your eyes, or the next bullet will be for the boy. And he will not go so quickly.” Reluctantly, forcibly, I resumed staring down at the Sergeant sinking  slowly, sitting on his feet as the light began to fade in his eyes. “Traitor,” he rasped, his head lowering for the first time. “Tr… T…” Tears flowed silently down my cheeks as he collapsed, his blood spreading across the dirt in a gritty puddle, pooling around my feet and staining my skin. I’ll never be clean again.

@hurtcember @whumpcember @deaddovedec @fandom-free-bingo @seasonaldelightsbingo

[kamelpferd]

I Am Writing A Book

For the past year I have been writing a book. A Book Of Poetry And Short Stories. It's almost finished and I will put 10 Stories into it. They are all thought through and a lot of them have already been written.

And I am so proud of myself.

Anyways, here I have a few pictures and short descriptions of the stories that will be in the book, to give you all a little idea of what is coming to you if you think you want to give my little project a closer look. I hope you can find something that is of your interest.

From brutality to sex over fantasy up to historical gay romance. I covered a lot.

I think I have done a pretty good job so far, and it will not take long until it is done. :)

The Men I've Had

She has had enough. Enough of their ego, them wanting to be better, them thinking they have the right. The right to do whatever they want with whoever they feel like. Grace Dennehy knows that everyone just looks away and lets them do as they please. She knows nothing will ever change unless somebody takes matters into their own hands. And so she does.

The Nun And The Nurse

The bible says it is a sin. God says it is a sin. They says she will go to hell for it. Burn eternally. For feeling the purest and most beautiful kind of love. The love for another woman.

Good Night, Little Kimmy

He has known her since she was a little child - But she is not a child anymore. She is a woman. A beautiful young woman who has yet to learn what the world can bring. And he wants to show her. Show her everything he can, but is it right? Is it acceptable? It can't be.

Prince Of Blood - Fate Of The Undead

What would happen if a Vampire Hunter got captured? What if she got captured by the man she was looking forward to kill? What if it turned into a game of fetch between cat and mouse? And what if he showed her what eternal life actually meant?

The Day I Died

She has to kill her. It is her fate, her role, her prophecy - but does she even want to? Does she have to? Because what if she loves her? What if she would rather die than harm her? What if she will?

In My Room

She threw up; every morning she threw up. She saw him in her dreams, night after night after night - and it wouldn't end. He wouldn't go away. He couldn't. He was dead.

Hunting Season

A chance. A chance she took and ran but then it hit her. She wouldn't get away. So she forgot and forgave. She could never escape. She was trapped. Inside his house, his basement, her own delusions. She couldn't leave, she didn't want to.

Silent Night - You Can Run But You Cannot Hide

Lilly and Billly have always been good. One December night, their mother tells them about a creature who visits those whose names are on the naughty list. He comes on christmas eve. And the two children learn about what happens to kids that don't behave.

Bonnie And Her Bride

Elizabeth Hyde's dearest friend is fed up with a life as housewife, under the resistant hand of a sweetheart, a boss and a father. So she takes Bonnie Parker with her, leaves their lives behind, along with everything they were used to and runs away, jumping right into gunfire. Little did she know how much trouble her decisions would bring.

Visitors

"We are writing the year 1983 and just outside my house, Bakerstreet 985, there is a U.F.O. It crashed in my backyard and I think there is something inside-" "Peter what the fuck are you doing?"

Alright, alright. I spent a hell of a time to create this ass post, just for my own satisfaction and to make it a little easier for myself to dive into my stories. I mean, it indeed is easier if you can see something, instead of just reading (even tho reading is also seeing something...)

Anyways, I hope could catch some of you for the one or the other story. I have been working on this book for about a year now, and it is almost done (Jesus, never decide to write a book. It kills you. Really.) But there is still a lot of work to do, so I suppose I could be done in like a year. But then I have to find a publisher... or publish it myself... which I am scared of i mean imagine it doesn't work. 0-0

ANYWAYS lets not think about this right now, haha.

There is a bunch of work ahead of me, but I am willing to do whatever it takes.

-Spencer C. Belford

[coolcoelacanth]

i've been so fucking sad about my ex recently and i feel like a crazy person. it's deadass been 1 year since we last saw each other but it's all just hitting me right now. i was relieved for the first few months after we ended things, then i was sad, then i was doing just fine, now all of a sudden i have been fucking miserable about it for the past month. i really wish i could take my brain out of my head and run it under cold water. i feel like im short circuiting. ive just been overall depressed then ill randomly burst into tears about it for like 30 minutes. i've only been one one date since we ended things, and im starting to feel like ill never find someone i love like that again. he didn't treat me right, and i deserve better, but damn did we work together so well. if he hadn't been an idiot things could've worked out really well. now im back to square one, with all these people i genuinely have no interest in. and im pretty sure he started seeing someone shortly after we ended things and theyre still together. so i just feel even worse, like did all of that really mean that little to him? and why does he get to move on and have a happy ending? i feel like nothing is ever fair bro, i give my heart and soul to this shit and i get the short end of the stick every time. and i really, truly, deeply trusted him. i really really did. i dont know how to get over this horrible feeling of betrayal. it burns a hole in my stomach. it doesnt feel real. i dont want any of it to be real. its all just some kind of sick joke. and i keep playing back all the memories of all the things he did that hurt me, so im just hurting myself over and over again and just crying about it all. my brain is truly putting me thru my own personal hell, for why? who fucking knows. maybe bc i havent had a day off since august and im finally having a nervous breakdown, so my brain is just throwing everything its got at me. and i literally spent 8 hours studying today, then im working 8 hrs tmrw and studying afterward for my exam on monday. but it doesn't end there, it all just repeats on an endless cycle until my semester ends in december. i only have this semester and next semester left until i will only be doing rotations, but jesus christ if this doesnt kill me. and i used to have a reprieve on the weekends when my ex would come over for three days and we would just LOL and eat good food and i really felt like i could completely let all my walls down. now i never get to let my walls down because i dont trust anyone to be myself around. so im just constantly holding everything in all the time until i finally explode one day. this is literally so long but if you made it this far, im literally at my breaking point. and i dont even have time to have a break down, i get to cry about my life for a couple hours a day then i just keep going and going and going like a fucking lunatic. somebody please put me out of my misery for fucks sake

[orphilos]

𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍 ; The meaning for his name.

I have been thinking a lot about the meaning of Minato’s name && how it reflects his character perfectly. Becoming a bigger reason why I find myself preferring his manga name rather than the canonical name that he was given ( Yuki Makoto. ) This is not an attempt to bash the canonical name nor his anime counterpart. I’m fully aware that Yuki Makoto does fit his character as well. However, it does not fit as perfectly as the name Arisato Minato does. I’m making this statement right now, since I’m aware that people love to get into arguments about the p/ersona protagonist's names. This headcanon is meant to be an attempt to explain the meaning of his name && how it reflects his character, but foreshadows the ending for persona 3.

Quick disclaimer, I am not Japanese nor can I read / speak Japanese. I am doing my best to get the information that I am able to gather from online && seeing similar questions asked by other users asking those who either speak Japanese / understand Japanese themselves. Still, If I happened to have misunderstood anything, you can contact me about it ! Secondly, I do wish to give credit to my best friend as they were the ones to help me out on gathering this information && pointing out things that I had not noticed prior. With that now said, let’s discuss his name.

有 ( Ari ) ━━━ translate to “exist / existence.” 里 ( sato ) ━━━ translate to “village / hamlet.” 湊 ( Minato ) ━━━ And lastly Minato translate to “Harbor” or “Port.” In the Dictionary, there’s two ways in which you could read Harbor. The common way would be “a part of the ocean, a lake, etc. That is next to land and that is protected and deep enough to provide safety for ships.” while the uncommon way would be “a place of safety and comfort : haven — often used in the phrase safe harbor.” ( There’s a reason that I am bringing up the secondary meaning for it. )

湊有里 ( Arisato Minato )  ━━━ Could be interpreted / read in two ways. "The existence of a village with a harbor." or "A village that exists with a harbor." A very fitting name for the protagonist, when you start to remember that at the beginning of the game. Minato ends up arriving back at his birth home after ten years of not being there. What was his birth home called? Tatsumi Port Island / Port Island ! His name fits perfectly for the beginning of the game && where he belongs at. His home will be a place that has a Port, someplace that happens to have an ocean / lake. As for the secondary meaning that I had bought up ( the uncommon way ) was the “a place of safety and comfort : haven — often used in the phrase safe harbor.” This one fit perfectly into his character too ! Safety & Comfort : haven. The ending of persona 3 has Minato sacrificing himself to become a Great Seal, sealing Nyx away to prevent The Fall from happening. Obviously, this would seem like a move any protagonist would do in that situation. 

However, Minato’s character from the start to the finish is interesting && one of my favorite characters' developments. He had lost his parents at the age of ten, spent years moving around city to city, town to town, possibly going to an orphanage at some point in his life. The concept of living was nothing but hell to him, people will die. He learned that at an early age, there’s no point in living when everybody will end up dead at some point. That is the mindset that he had thought for years. There’s a reason that he didn’t value his life after all.

That would be until he moved back to his home birth, he found himself around the members of S.E.E.S. Witnessing the death of a teammate of his, a teammate losing their family member or true love, && yet saw how those around him. Never gave up. They had kept moving forward even when all felt lost. There’s a reason that Minato refused to kill Ryoji on December 21th. He had a choice to kill him. But the relationship that he had built with not only S.E.E.S but with Ryoji was far too important for him to lose. He had fought alongside his teammates to stop Nyx, && while they could not defeat Nyx. Minato went with the last resort that he had in hand. It did not matter to him what ended up becoming of him. Whether he ends up dying or something more. All that mattered to him was the people around him could live on happily. At the end of the day, he’s the haven for Tatsumi Port Island.

The safe harbor.

i. On a minor / side note. His parents had given him the name 湊 ( Minato ) to represent that Tatsumi Port Island is his home, that no matter where he ends up going in the future. Tatsumi Port Island is the place that he was born in && will forever be his home.

[danigirls-missions]

This year has been probably the best in the beginning but I had lost it all in the end this year. At the beginning of the year I had met the most amazing guy I have ever met who just wanted someone to love him. And I do love him so much. For 11 months, for almost a year, we had been together. Whenever I was down mentally, I didn't talk to him about it. I wasn't open, because of just trauma and I felt like if I put my stress on him it'd make him stress and worry. I have a hard time opening up about stuff sometimes. A lot of the time. But I pushed him away and I didn't help take care of myself and it went to the point that I cheated on him. I ruined the love he had for me. I feel horrible for what I had done to him. And during this, this year, in August to September, my best friend and I pretty much broke up, and that hurt me. In October, my dog was killed and it was like losing my own child, and that threw down the hole deeper. November, I decided that talking to someone Inappropriately would fix my problem and make that person go away. My boyfriend saw that text and went through my phone, and decided to try and fix the relationship with me, and then just gave up. Not letting me probe myself to him and when I was in the hospital in December, when I felt like I was dying because I had pneumonia, he broke up with me. I have never felt so stupid, so angry, and so alone now.

He left his bed, he left his blankets and his sheets, he left the gifts I had given him this year, and now I have to send them back to him. He gave me his bed, but all of the things he had done for me this year, I only feel like the next year I should pay my debt back to him slowly, but full heartedly. In some defence, it was even harder to love him when he didn't even love himself during the relationship.

A bit of advice to whoever reads this, don't get into a relationship until you can find yourself. Love yourself before you try to love someone else. Communication will help your relationship more than you think. Never be scared to tell them how you feel through the relationship. Don't make the mistakes that I made.

[hunterguyveriv]

Taking an Indeterminate Break from Writing Until Furter Notice:

So, as many of my followers here know, I have been a writer of various fan fiction of various series, Guyver (mostly), Voltron, specifically Kacxa, a DOOM fan fic, and others. But it pains me to say that because of depression and grieving, I have lost all inspiration for writing and drawing over the last year. I have lost interest in my favorite sport Lacrosse which is also part of my cultural heritage, and other things I was passionate about. So until that inspiration hits me again, don't expect much from me in terms of fan fiction writing. I'm sorry, but at this moment, I'm out. I'll try to get motivated to post any writings I've been meaning to post over the last year and a half before things started to go downhill, but I make no guarantees.

(Picture taken December 2014) Last year, those who have followed me found out that my Grandfather, aged 92, passed away at the end of August after a long fight with cancer. Just recently, my Grandmother, aged 92 - who was also with him for over 70 years, passed away. Their passing hurts more than few could understand because they were the ONLY Grandparents I ever knew growing up. I never got to meet my maternal Grandmother because she passed away of Leukemia when my mother was around the ages of 16 to 18. And my maternal Grandfather only saw me, his ONLY grandson, a handful of times because he was an avid racist, and being a product of an interracial marriage, my parents didn't want me to have anything to do with him or his second wife.

We also lost a family pet due to cancer back in March (a family cat) who passed away in her sleep. But I am forced to face the possibility of losing another family pet, my Gimpy Goofy Good Girl, who we had since 2013. She was a rescue from a High-Kill shelter in one of the Southern states that we adopted from a No-Kill shelter when she was 5 or 6.

Walking is getting harder and harder for her, more so because she's been a tripod since 2019 due to surgery complications. The vet she sees gave us some pain meds to see if they will help make her comfortable, but we know that her remaining time is limited with us. I personally want her to pass in the comforts of home because, after the life she had before we got her, it is something she deserves. But I am prepared to say my "See you later," at the vets when it gets to that point.

Other familiar issues that I am not at liberty to talk about and issues with work have also killed my motivation to write. I try to put forth a strong appearance. Because of where I work, I try hard not to show a change. Some have noticed and offered condolences, while others just seem to not care one bit that one of their department managers is going through some stuff to ask, "Is everything alright?"

I am trying to roll with the punches, I am trying to get myself to be passionate about writing again, but until I feel like myself again I may not free-form another fan-fiction story or an original Kaiju story Ive been wanting to write for a while.

[obsessivefangirl]

Saw this rq and wanted to just go over this. Click read more if you want to go through why I think this is baloney

First of all, before we go any further, performed miracles and born on December 25th will not be touched upon. This is due to how every. single. god. has done some act above our nature or commanded nature to their will. If not they would just be a guy. It's vague and like saying prophets are knock offs of each other. Next, Jesus Christ was never stated to be born on December 25th. In fact, we can narrow His birth due to the shepherds in their fields on the day of His, and shepherds put out their flock in the pasture from spring until early October, meaning He could NOT be born by then. Due to the specifics of John the Baptist's birth, He was likely born somewhere in autumn. Now, let's get into this.

Horus

Horus was not born of a virgin. From all the accounts I could find, even the ones trying to say Christianity was not special, he was conceived through his father. The story is Osiris was collected after all but his penis was collected (his body parts were scattered,) who then healed him to have it, and made love to a resurrected him or a dead body. Others claim she had intercourse before his death. This is nothing like the Christian accounts.

Three wise men were stars of Orion's belt and east of them was Osiris' star (not Horus') from what I could find, even with sketchy skewed against Christianity sources. Also, stars are like, really pretty and seen as unreachable, a lot of myths have them involved. Another thing, Jesus wasn't a star. It wasn't one of those "the stars are gods" things, instead being about a very bright star helping to guide those to Christ. Heck, most biblical scholars agree that it was the conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn, not a star. Not the same. Also, we don't know how many wise men adored Jesus, and they weren't kings. I also could not find any 3 kings for Horus other than the 3 stars of Alnitak, Alnilam and Mintaka.

Jesus was not a teacher at 12. Instead He had amazing understanding of the scriptures and law. He started to preach later in life. He taught people at the synagogue once, that does not mean He was a teacher. I could not find Horus being a teacher 12.

Could find nothing about anything baptism related.

I could not find anything for disciples other than Christians claiming that he had 4, but I couldn't find any non-Christian sources about that either. Do with this as you will. I will call this a draw myself, as it seems like he said she said and I'm not really in the mood to go too deep of a dive (I am meant to be doing school as I write this ^^')

Here is a Christian source talking about Horus, with some sources. Didn't go through this but they may have better things than me

Krishna

The virgin birth of Krishna is completely false.

Could find nothing about the Hindu Krishna, but this might be bc it's flooded by a story where a girl named Jiddu Krishnamurti was declared messiah by Order of the Star in the East so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it might be there, but it's buried under other stuff so I'm taking this as unconcluded.

Could not find anything about his resurrection.

Attis

You could argue that yeah he was born a virgin, but it was very, very different tale. Jesus' birth was important to be virgin in Christianity's eyes due to origin sin and also He was created with no seed, but God formed Him in Mary's womb with none involved. Attis was conceived by a tree made from genitals impregnanted his mother. Even this anti-Christian source that believes Christianity was made by secret societies will tell you that. I cannot find out the exact object whether fruit or seed, but the general idea is the same.

Crucifixion is a tricky one. There's many different tellings. All in all, it seems like he died by his own hand though some say a bull killed him. A tree was involved, either under or hung on a tree. This is not the same, as the reasons and ways They got there is not at all the same. I could show how both Abraham Lincon and Adolf Hitler died by a gun to the head. Yes, that's true, but the reasons and context is so ridiculously different no one would take you seriously.

Some just say "resurrection" but the sources that actually go into it seem to say that Zeus just... preserved his body. He never came back, just the body stayed fresh. Very different.

Mithra

Mithra hatched out of a rock. I mean he wasn't conceived by sex, so that's something? Not much though.

Actually Mithra is the most pathetic excuse on here. No mention of death (which means no staying dead or being resurrected) or disciples. Whoever made this just straight up lied for Mithra. Like, more than this entire thing.

Dionysus

Both ones have him conceived, then born by a new person bc something happened. He was always conceived from sex.

Could not find any proof of any other claims, unless the "resurrection" was his rebirth after getting killed as an infant, then having his heart eaten and being conceived again, but like. Jesus' resurrection and birth was very different, and Dionysus was more of rebirth. Not to mention that this is the lesser agreed upon birth of Dionysus.

I'm not saying you have to believe Christianity due to this analysis ofc, but I just saw this and wanted to see how fabricated this was, which is very. The similarities there are are not enough to claim it is inspired, as tales come eerily close to life sometimes, and these are not errily close at all. If you disagree or found reputable sources, you're welcome to add on. I will be ignoring and blocking rude and holier than thou comments or just "Jesus isn't real lmao" bc really it's not worth my time.