#And I was going to kill myself this December until I saw him and he told me to meet him in May

[wandaspillow]

Y/n's age: 15

Warnings: sh, suicide, depression

A/n: don’t come at me for the lyrics n stuff

Y/n's POV:

"Take me to the rooftop"

It's the 1st of December, 2 days before her birthday. She doesn't even talk to me anymore, my own mother, only cause I got Peter hurt. It wasn't even my fault he was the one that got in my was as I was fighting.

I miss my mom, I miss when she would hug me, when she would sing to me, when she would teach me new things, when she would tell me everything will be okay, when she would sleep next to me after I had a nightmare.

Oh I miss that.

"I wanna see the world when I stop breathing"

It's one of Tony's party's, everyone is here, like everyone. I see her with Peter, laughing, like we used to. I walked over to the balcony and let the cold winter air touch my body, I sighed and looked at the city lights.

That's when I feel someone put an arm on my shoulder "hey kiddo I haven't seen you in a while" it was Bucky "oh yeah, how have you been uncle buck?" I asked with a light smile, "I've been good kid, I heard what happened with you and Nat" he said and my smile faded and I looked down.

"Hey, I know you were trying to fight and didn't mean to hurt the kid, I believe you" he said and nodded not believing him "Bucky!" I hear a female voice yell and we both looked.

It was my mom, she gave me a dirty look and waved to Bucky to come over to them.

"Better hurry, 'cause I'm leaving soon"

As soon as he left me I ran back to my room, I didn't care if people saw me running I just needed to leave. I went straight to my bathroom and grabbed it, I didn't care if I was nearly 3 months clean I need to feel something.

I rolled up my selve and saw my faded scars.

I opened the bag and saw them, I was shaking and I didn't even know. I grabbed the blade, I looked at it for a while before I dragged it across my skin. I sighed at the feeling and pushed down, I felt the pain and pulled the blade away from my skin I looked at my arm and saw blood dripping down my arm and the realised I pushed it to hard.

I grabbed my first aid and started looking for what I needed to wrap my arm up.

"Sorry can't save me now"

I finished wrapping up my arm and walked out of my bathroom to grabbed a hoodie, I picked her one, it still smelt like her. I put it on and hummed to myself, I walked over to my bed and got in it and as soon as I did someone knocked on my door.

"Come in?" I yelled, and the door opened and I saw someone with blonde hair and soon realised it was auntie Lena, "auntie Lena?" "Don't 'auntie Lena' me, how could you do that to the kid?" She said coldly and I looked at her.

"Don't say I'm all that matters"

"You really don't believe me?" I asked "no why would I? After what you're mo- Nat said" she said and when she said 'Nat' instead of 'mom' my heart broke "what did she say now?" I asked and looked at her "a lot" she said and walked out

I didn't even realise I was crying, i felt them falling down my neck.

"Sorry there's no way out"

It's the 2nd of December, and around 10:30 in the morning. Everyone is up and in the kitchen having breakfast, I walked into the hallway of the kitchen and heard my mom talking to Lena "she could've killed him" I heard Lena say "well she's lucky she didn't or I would've killed her" I heard tony say and Nat chuckled

As I heard this I was about to throw up, they are sick. I didn't even touch him for crying out loud, I turned back and ran straight to my room and changed.

I changed into a some jeans and a hoodie, I grabbed my phone and headphones and left my room. I made it to the exit of the compound and walked out, I started walking, and I didn't even know where I was going just letting the wind take me somewhere.

"But down"

I've been out all day, my phone ended up dying so I couldn't listen to music and just walked around this park, it's pretty dark out now so I thought I should go back but it's not like they noticed I was gone anyways.

Until I heard people yelling my name "Y/n!" I heard a male voice and looked back and saw Bucky and he looked at me with a worried face, "y/n where have you been ?!" I heard a female voice and looked and saw it was Nat.

I ignored her and ran to Bucky "we thought you got kidnapped or something" Bucky said worriedly "sorry my phone died" I said and Bucky smiled lightly and Nat rolled her eyes

"I could be in bed reading now, but we had to come look for you" she said and I shrugged "I was gonna come home soon" I mumbled, "okay let's go to the car" Bucky said and they both started walking and I turned around and walked the other way

"What are you doing y/n?" Bucky asked "walking home?" I hummed "no get in the car" he said and I sighed, and walked towards them to the car.

"Call my friends and tell them that I love them"

We made it back to the compound and I went  straight to the elevator and went to my room, it's time, I grabbed all my notes I made and the pills.

I laid all the notes on my bed, I put Nats one as the very first and placed everyone else's next to hers. I was walked out of my room and went into the elevator I took the pills, knowing they'll kick in soon.

What I didn't know is that there were people up on the roof but not near me, yet.

I sat on the edge of the rooftop and looked down, I sighed opening my phone case, seeing the little blade behind a polaroid of me and Wanda. I rolled up my selves of my hoodie and dragged the little blade across my skin like I did the night before, I tried to push down hard to feel it but I couldn't.

"And I'll miss them, but I'm not sorry"

I hummed as I stood up, dropping the blade on the floor. I felt dizzy, like I could fall over the edge at any second. I heard muffled voices behind me and I turned to look but lost my balance and fell off the building.

I smiled as I fell, but saw Wanda standing there and using her powers doing something, before I could see her do something everything went black

[lostbetweenvampiresandmusic]

Oceans of time (part 3)

Laddie asks David how he got turned into a vampire.

----------------------------

Santa Carla, 1987

"That's how you make a vampire, isn't it?" Laddie asked quietly, looking at David. The man nodded.

"Yeah. We couldn't have saved her even if we were there."

"Did you bury her like Lucy?"

"No. We couldn't. I wouldn't."

"Why?"

"She was still my sister. I wouldn't abandon her."

"But if she stayed with you, how did she get blood?"

David grinned. "We decided that for the time being, she could feed from us. Until we had the thing figured out."

"Is that how you got changed?"

"Eventually. She tried to control her thirst, but over time, it became too much. She hadn't even realised that she drank to much until I entered the room."

November, 1897

Mia ignored the cries and ignored the hand, trying to push her away from the vein she was drinking from. She needed it. She needed even more - but this would do for now. She growled when suddenly someone grabbed her, roughly pushing her backwards - crying out when a beam of sunlight hit her arms. As soon as she pulled it back into the shadows, her skin healed.

"David?"

Angrily, he looked at her, helping Dwayne sit up. She had almost completely drained him, her bloodlust taking over.

"Give me your wrist." David grabbed her roughly, taking a knife and cutting the skin open. He forced her wrist against Dwayne's mouth, forcing him to consume the blood. "You could have killed him, Mia!"

"I didn't mean to! I'm - I'm just so hungry..."

David ignored her, making sure that Dwayne was alright. Even though he was definitely weakened due to the lack of blood in his veins, he'd live.

"Are you still hungry?" David's look softened when he looked at the girl. She nodded quietly.

"Take some of mine."

"What if I can't control myself and-"

"I'll be fine. Drink."

Mia did as she was told, greedily taking yet another vein. David felt his blood rush out of his body, and he felt himself getting lightheaded. He noticed how cloudy everything began to feel. "Mia."

She didn't respond, tightening her grip on his wrist. David tried again - but she just wouldn't listen. Nothing he could do could get her away from his blood. "Fuck!" He hissed, realising he had no other choice. He grabbed his sisters' wrist, reopening the wound. If he didn't drink the vampireblood now, he would be a dead man. He didn't want to die. Mia whimpered as he began to drink her blood, finally letting go of his wrist.

"I'm sorry!" She cried, pulling away from him. "I'm sorry!"

Santa Carla, 1987

"Did you then change the others?" Laddie asked.

"Yes. When they came in and saw what had happened, they wanted to become vampires, too."

"What about the vampire that changed her?"

"Remember how I told you this story wasn't a happy one?"

Laddie nodded.

"He's the reason why."

December 1897

With every member of their little family turned, they finally dared to take on the streets. To go outside and hunt. They left their little house at night, enjoying the wonders vampirism brought them.

They marvelled at their ability to read minds. They laughed when they realised they could fly. How they could communicate simply by thinking. All the things their eyes could now see, the things they could hear - even though they had lived in this town for their whole life, it was as if they were discovering a whole new world.

"I didn't give you permission to make more, did I?"

An ice-cold voice echoed from behind them. Mia whimpered. It resonated within her head. The boys turned around, realising that this was the vampire that changed her.

"Holmwood?!"

The man chuckled. "Hello again, David. I told you your sister was in mortal danger, didn't I?"

"What the fuck man, you killed your own fiancee?" Marko looked at the vampire.

"I gave her immortal life. You were the ones to kill her."

"No. That was Max. We didn't touch her," Paul said.

"Mia, come here."

Obediently the girl stepped forwards, toward him. "Sir?"

"Why did you change them?"

"I didn't mean to, it was an accident, " she said quietly, stepping back slightly so she'd feel the comfort of her brothers.

"I should have you killed for disobeying me," Arthur growled, causing Mia to shiver.

"Please don't, it won't happen again, I promise!"

"Mia-" David began, but he was cut off when Arthur gave her another order.

"Come here, childe." He opened his arms, and even though she was terrified, Mia could not disobey his order. Slowly, she stepped into his arms. The boys couldn't do anything but watch. They couldn't fight this vampire, not when he was clearly so much more powerful than them.

Santa Carla, 1987

"How did you get away from that vampire?" Laddie asked, jumping up. "Did you fight? Did you rip his head off?"

"No. Max was the reason we got away."

"Max?" Laddie pulled a face. "What did he do?"

"He staked Arthur."

"But if he was still holding Mia, then -"

"She got staked as well."

December 1897

"Mia, get away from there!" Paul yelled, but it was too late. Max had shot a large, wooden stake right at Arthur's back. It shot through his body, coming out in the front, the tip brutally destroying Mia's upper chest and shoulder. She cried out, stumbling backwards, when another stake hit her - right in the stomach. She whimpered, her hand covering the wound, gasping as she fell to the ground. She was covered in her own blood, taking shallow breaths.

"Shit, Mia!" Dwayne was the first to reach her. He was quick to pull the stake out, quick to try and feed her his blood, but it was of no use. No matter how much he gave, the blood just kept pouring out of her. "David, she's -" Dwayne didn't finish the sentence. David was already there.

"It's cold..." she murmured, hissing quietly as David lifted her up, holding her in his arms. As he held her, he tried his best to keep her comfortable. Marko held her hand, while Paul tried to get a now unconscious Max to them, hoping that his blood could save her.

"I don't want to die," she said quietly, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Mia, it's alright," David said, barely louder than a whisper. He knew he couldn't trust his voice right now. "We're here. I've got you."

"I know, love," it was Marko, who spoke.

"You won't leave me?" She asked softly, quietly, her voice barely louder than a whisper. Her eyes closed before she could hear his answer.

"Never."

As snow began to fall, only the panicked screams of the vampire killer were heard, as three very angry vampires chased after him. David stayed behind, holding his sisters cold body close. "I'm sorry, Mia," he said softly. There was nothing he could do now. She was gone.

Santa Carla 1987

"So why did you let Max live?"

"As punishment, he resents vampires."

"I'm sorry about Mia." Laddie said quietly. David nodded.

He hadn't told Laddie the whole truth. Sure, Max being turned was a punishment for the hunter. But that wasn't the only punishment the man faced. The boys had forced him to do one thing, and only if he managed to do that thing would he be set free.

January 1897

"Just kill me, you fuckers!"

Max yelled at them, causing David to chuckle.

"Like you killed our sister? I don't think so. You want to be free? Be released of immortality?"

"Yes! I'd do anything!"

"Good." David nodded as he revealed a coffin filled with ice. Beneath it laid his sister. "If you find a way to bring her back, we will gift you your freedom."

"But she's dead, I can't bring back the death!"

"You will, if you know what's good for you!" David growled, before he slammed the basement door shut, leaving Max alone with his equipment and his one and only task.

Bring back a dead vampire.

[holly-louisexox]

Ribcage X Andy Biersack- Part 22

Masterlist

"There's one thing you should know about me Delia Vincent, I don't date. Got no heart to break and emptiness is safe, keep it that way."

He was adamant in his choices...

...But then things changed

"This is officer John Davies interviewing the case of a missing person known as Delia Grace Vincent, 2nd of December." The police offer start the interview with Shevy and the band by speaking into the audio recorder that he had brought along for information. "First of all, Does Miss Vincent have anyone on Seattle she may have taken refuge with?"

"No, Delia's from Ohio, she lives there with her parents." Shevy explains. "We came to Seattle for a tour, these guys are in a band, myself and Delia are crew managers and department specialists."

"Would you say this disappearing is out of character to her?" Officer Davies continues to question.

"Very. Delia's been nothing but professional this whole tour, she would never just up and leave like this. Plus her items were still in her hotel room suggesting she never came back last night." Lonny explains, he almost felt like he was having to prove to this police officer that Delia was not a bad person.

"And how do you mean 'she never came back last night'? Where you guys out last night?" The officer asks lifting an eyebrow to the group; he was trying to get every detail out of the group to try and find anything that would lead the team to knowing the whereabouts of Delia.

"We had a show here last night and it was the last show of tour so we went for drinks at the pub down the road to celebrate." Jake tells the officer.

"Did anything happen that could have influenced the disappearance?" Officer Davies asks which makes Andy gulp nervously, was the officer going to completely blame him? He guessed he was at fault for this but he just wanted her back safe, he never wanted her to go missing, to get hurt, or worst, killed.

"I may have had a bit of a disagreement with her last night... She slapped me round the face then stormed off outside." Andy stutters out trying not to let his voice crack and start crying again. "But that was the last time I saw her or heard from her."

"What was the disagreement about?" The officer is now focusing his attention on Andy which made the lead singer feel more nerves and a weight on his chest; he was not about to let himself break down now though.

"I hadn't been completely truthful or fair to her. The truth is I really liked her but was too closed to show it so pushed her away. Then last night I couldn't do it anymore and I realised I needed her so I told her and she reacted badly to it. I can't say I blame her but yeah... She left because of me. We all knew what was going on here in Seattle and I let her leave, it's all my fault." Andy heard his voice crack at the end, felt the tears he was trying to keep in fall down his face.

"You can't blame yourself for this son." Officer Davies breaks his serious vibe to show some sympathy towards the crying singer. "Has anyone had any contact with her since last night?"

"No, none. We've tried calling her and it just rings and rings until it goes to voicemail." Shevy explains.

"Okay that could be useful, if someone could give me Miss Vincent's number, we may be able to track the location of the phone to help find her." Officer Davies announce which instantly brings some hope to the group and Lonny is instantly pulling his phone out of his pocket to search for Delia's number.

"I have her number here." Lonny perks up before reading out the number.

"Okay that will be helpful and we will get tracking made available as soon as possible. If I could also take your number young man so that we can alert you all of any updates." All attention is now turned to Lonny, it would make sense for Lonny to be in charge of updates, he's been the most sensible and head strong so far. "That concludes the interview, the last thing I will require is a recent photo of Miss Vincent so we can identify her."

-----------------------

Waking up Delia was met with foggy vision and a slight headache. She didn't even drink that much last night. Looking around the room she was then confused to find she was not in her hotel room, where was she? What happened? Then it hit her, the tall blonde guy she walked into, what was his name again? Sam maybe? he insisted on a hug then covered her face with a cloth. Did he drug her?

Sitting up made her head spin slightly, but she was determined to figure out where she was. standing up to look out the window she realises she recognises nothing, was she even still in Seattle? Delia then walks over to the door of the room and tries to open it only to realise it was locked. Shit, she was trapped. It was locked from the outside with no way of unlocking it from the inside. Sitting back down on the bed, she then goes to grab her phone from her pocket only to realise that it was missing; it's at that moment the same blonde man from the bar walks into the room.

"Ah, good, you're awake. I hope the room is to your liking." He smiles, his smile was creepy, she couldn't put her finger on why but she felt extremely uncomfortable in his presence.

"Why am I here? Where is this place?" Delia spits slightly trying to hide the fear she felt.

"Never you mind dear, you'll grow to like it here one day." Sam strokes Delia cheek slightly which makes Delia flinch and send him a death glare. "Such hostility, I saw the argument you had with that guy. He wasn't right for you. I saved you, you should be thanking me." Sam smiles again, that same smile that sent a shiver down Delia's spine and not in a good way. 

"You know nothing!" Delia could feel herself getting defensive, she was entering fight or flight mode from the fear she was feeling and right now the fight was winning.

"Was it Andy you got into a fight with? If so he seems to have left a fair few voicemails to you. Ah, this one is my favourite though." Sam grins wickedly now pulling out Delia's phone before playing the voicemail left from Andy.

"Delia, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I know I've been a dick and I know I hurt you but please let me try to make this right, please just give me one last chance. If that really isn't what you want to do then I understand. Please just call one of us and let us know that you're safe, we're all worried about you. All I ever wanted to do was keep you safe, now I see I have failed at even doing that." Andy was broken. Delia could clearly hear the hurt in his voice, could tell he was crying. Suddenly all that fight or flight she had in her melted. Suddenly she wanted nothing more than to be in Andy's arms to bring him some form of comfort, to reassure him that she was okay. She knew that he was blaming himself for this, she didn't want that to happen. This was all her fault. She knew what was going on in Seattle and she stupidly thought she could make it to the hotel alone. Why did she have to be such an idiot?

"Please just let me go." Delia begs feeling a tear fall down her face "I won't tell anyone of any of this, please just let me go."

"Now why would I do that? I can take better care of you than what Andy could, I could make you happy." Sam again strokes Delia's face and this time she doesn't flinch. She just sits there frozen as she feels another tear fall down her face.

"Take care of me? you killed those other women!" She chokes, she was desperate to stop herself from crying, she did not want this monster to see her weak.

"What you need to understand pretty girl, I want someone to share my life with. They were not worthy so I had to... dispose of them so to speak. I need perfection, you've got the looks but I need you to worship me. But let's not move on too soon." Sam smiles sitting next to Delia on the bed.

"You're sick!" Delia spits feeling uncomfortable by the sudden invasion of her space.

"Now, now, let's not be unreasonable." Sam shakes his head slightly before going to place a hungry kiss on Delia's lips. This instantly makes Delia push him off  her which results in a sudden stinging sensation to her cheek. 

He had slapped her. 

"The choice is yours my dear. You either worship me like a good little bitch or you find yourself floating in the Seattle Ferry landing pier." Sam spits as he stands up to exit the room. As soon as he walks out Delia hears the locking of the door. That's when she realises how fucked she is. she has to try and escape this place somehow, but how will she? Could she?

"Andy, please find me. I need you." Delia sobs into the pillow after having thrown herself to lay on the bed.

Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Delia was hoping, was praying that she could escape this. She wanted to be able to spend Christmas with her family, she wanted to see her new found friends again, but most of all... She wanted Andy to tell her that everything would be okay.

[lizlet]

2023, in bullet points

I find myself consumed by an assortment of random thoughts, as we reach the end of the year, and as the sun aims downward for one last sunset, I'm going to try sharing them... in the form of bullet points!

In January of 2023, I got to interview John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats, because he guest-starred on an episode of Poker Face and one of the cool things about working for a publication that's largely focused on music is that all I had to do to get his reps' info was ask a colleague. It was a good, fun interview, and he gave me his direct phone number in case I needed to ask him any follow-ups, and I actually did have something I needed to clarify. So I called him a second time, and during that second call, I told him the thing that I'd held back during that first interview, because I'm always on the fence about how much to say to people about how much I love their work: I told him how much I love the song "This Year," how I blast it every New Year's Eve and scream along in triumph, because it's so much easier to sing "I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me" on December 31st. I don't have a transcript of that second call, but I remember he took the compliment with practiced grace, saying something along the lines of "Thank you for saying that, because it means I know I did at least one thing with my time on this earth that helps people."

That's often what I think about, when measuring my accomplishments for the year — what are the things I did that made the world a slightly better place, on a big or large level?

I know I wrote a lot. Wrote stuff I was very proud of and wrote stuff I was less proud of, but sometimes that's what happens. Got into a good groove with Wren Graves at Consequence, who became my default editor early in the year and has proven to be annoyingly good at noticing when a piece could be better and pointing that out. It's good to have an editor who is a lovely and generous person and who also knows your flaws (like, for example, the fact that I maybe repeat words a little too often; if Wren were editing this, he'd send me back this paragraph with the word "good" in bold three times, and he would be right to do so).

Did a lot of interviews, even with the double strike shutting down a lot of opportunities, and checked a few people off the ol' bucket list. (I don't know why John Cho has eluded me for years, but achievement unlocked, thanks to The Afterparty Season 2.) It is still a bit baffling to the awkward-ass adolescent who lurks inside me that a significant part of my job is talking to famous people, and that I may be pretty good at it. (Sorry Wren.)

Hit my second anniversary at Consequence, an outlet that lets me get weird when the occasion calls for it and always offers up new challenges. (Got a couple of big challenges already in the works for January, which I'm doing my best not to think about until January 2nd.) It's a small but mighty team, and I'm happy to be working with them all.

Got elected to the position of secretary on the Television Critics Association board, which has also presented a wild new array of challenges, but the other board members are great and Winter Press Tour is on! ::knocks on any available wood nearby::

I tried as much as possible to be a person who says yes to things, especially if they might lead to wild new experiences. Saw more friends and more theater and live comedy than I have in years past, which makes me happy. (Especially when I can combine the friends WITH the theater and live comedy.)

Also got to spend a good amount of time with my family, who are cool people that I just genuinely enjoy spending time with. Even went on a gosh-darned vacation with them, to Ireland and Scotland, which was overall pretty magical. It's funny how when you're a kid, going on a bus trip to look at pretty scenery sounds very boring, and yet when you're an adult, that's just a really wonderful time.

Continued two streaks of approximately equal length: sobriety and daily usage of Duo Lingo. Both have been rewarding in their own unique ways.

Thanks in part to Duo Lingo, I learned how to type é and ü characters on a keyboard, which isn't a huge deal necessarily, but I have been typing on computers for nearly the entire span of my life (started around three or four years old) and so learning a new trick, after all this time, was pretty exciting. You go around thinking you know everything there is to know, and then you learn a new thing, and it makes you excited to find out what else there is to learn.

That's the energy I try to bring to every year, even a year like 2023, which on a global level was undeniably pretty garbage, especially the way it set the stage for 2024 being potentially worse. I donate money to big and small causes and take public transit whenever I can and only spend time on Elon Musk's Twitter when it's absolutely essential (someone has posted a link to an adorable cat video). I know I could be doing more. I hope I'm doing enough, and try to exceed "enough" when I can.

I had to take a break from writing this just now because I'm in the middle of my second-favorite New Year's Eve tradition: Doing laundry, so that when I get home after a casual hang tonight, I can curl up in my nice clean sheets and wake up like a big toasty cinnamon bun. Best way to start a new year, in my opinion.

While handling laundry, I've been watching The O.C., and it feels like a true portent of good things that my rewatch has brought me to the New Year's Eve episode, even though this means the arrival of Oliver, who I recall being Bad News.

Still, this reminds me to mention that the book I can't stop recommending to people right now is Ben McKenzie's Easy Money, a surprisingly fun read that left me almost feeling like I understand crypto (and definitely makes me think I understand the grotesque human cost of it).

That last bullet point also strongly indicates that I should try to read more books in 2024.

I'm writing this, like I write pretty much everything, in Evernote, and out of laziness I'm going to post it to Tumblr because that should be relatively easy, but I do want to write more personal stuff in the new year, and might look into setting up a new blog or (non-Substack) newsletter for such a purpose.

But I'm also continuing to work on novels — 500 words or so a day, every day I can, until it starts to add up to something. I've developed a lot of daily practices over the last two and a half years: I journal every morning, go running every other day, write my 500 words in the evenings after logging off work, and keep my Wordle and Duo Lingo streaks alive, amongst other things. And they all contribute to me feeling saner and stronger than I remember feeling during the worst periods of my life to date. Worse days may be coming. But I'm glad to be starting the new year with... well, with clean sheets, at the very least.

And before I go out for the night, I may jump around the apartment and sing.

Auld Lang Syne, bitches. Good luck to us all in 2024.

[kurumeki]

Boris 5/23 @Proxima, Warsaw

Last time I saw Boris live was in December 2019 and that was also the first Japanese band I had the chance too see since pandemic started. Needless to say – I was very excited about the gig. I didn’t plan on it, but for some reason I entered the venue first (I’ve never had a ticket number that would be A1 in Japan), and despite running to merch stand first, I still managed to secure a spot in first row, right in front of mic stand. Which is exactly where I wanted to be, knowing that for this tour Atsuo is not playing drums, but being strictly band’s frontman and doing vocals.

Merch wise – I was pretty upset when their staff told me that caps didn’t make it on time for the gig. I really wanted to buy one with Amplifier Worship Service, guess I will have to order it online from their EU store. But I got other items I really wanted – the tour t-shirt with the leopard (love love love the design), I got a patch for my battle vest, pins, stickers (because I also need my laptop to look sick with those) and then I decided to buy a polaroid with the whole band and their autographs; I recall this is pretty rare stuff to buy (price wasn’t that bad? It was 100 PLN per polaroid, I think that’s fair).

Boris is known for bringing less known Japanese bands on tours with them, so support for this part of their European tour was 明日の叙景 (Asunojokei) – fairly new band playing post black metal. I’m not that much into this type of music, but their show was good; I was especially impressed with the vocalist and his general vibe. At the end of their set I snatched the setlist, so I can listen to the exact set later.

Pic from 明日の叙景; it was so easy to spot myself but of course they picked one where my eyes are closed. Oh well.

When time came for Boris, I was so ready. In 2020 they released album NO and that was like my favourite record from that year, it’s so heavy and energetic, I was hoping they would go on tour with this stuff and guess what – it was happening! They played mostly songs from the mentioned NO but also from Heavy Rocks released in 2022 (on my birthday, to be exact! August 12th). I think that’s a perfect super heavy mix. Knowing what to expect, I was preparing myself mentally for their show, but jesus fucking christ – it was so much better than in my imagination.

First of all, being in front row, it wasn’t difficult to get Atsuo’s attention. Guess me willing to give the band my all, to headbang until my neck cracks, to scream their lyrics didn’t go unnoticed. With Atsuo stepping onto the podium in front of the barriers, I didn’t expect anything less than him taking my hand a couple of times; during another song he was having an emotional moment and he fucking cradled my face with his hand, that caught me so off guard but I mean – no complaints. For Fundamental Error I really did my best with singing along and Atsuo fucking held the mic to my lips during chorus. That was well. Also unexpected, but if he wants you to do shit, you just do it. Do I fall for this type of interactions with audience? Absolutely! At the end my efforts were rewarded – for the last song Muchio, the support drummer, left the stage and Atsuo finally sat behind drums. He used the gong behind him (as usual) and poured his heart out on drums when they played Farewell; and as the song and the show finished, he got both of his Pearl gong mallets and gave one to me and the second one to a woman next to me that really was competing for attention.

Some other highlights from the set – I loved their black outfits, I was really fascinated with Wata’s heels, her shoes looked so cool. And while I love watching her absolutely kill it with her vintage Les Pauls, my eyes were drifting to Takeshi (when I was not looking at Atsuo, which was 90% of the time). The double neck bass/electric guitar just looks so fucking cool when he’s playing it and he has got some amazing moves. I was so so sooo happy I got to hear (and sing!) Kikinoue live, that was my dream ever since I heard this song for the first time. Nosferatou was also amazing live, I love how their slow drone tracks feel like being wrapped in a warm blanket of sound. I sure am glad I wore earplugs to the gig, I think I would have not survived in the first row if not that.

Below's the setlist. Encore was Farewell, as mentioned.

After the show I did something that I’ve not done before – decided to wait outside the club for band to come out, because I really needed to talk to Atsuo. I have hinted it a few times already in my posts, but basically on the fanclub platform I’ve asked Morrie if he’d like to go on tour with Boris as their support, to which Morrie very enthustically said that he would love to and he is simply waiting for invitation. Knowing that I could get a chance to talk to Boris about it, how could I not at least try? Also – I’ve made a connection recently, befriending a guy that knows both Morrie and Atsuo privately; the guy and myself really get along and upon hearing that I’m going to Boris show in Warsaw, he decided to text Atsuo and let him know I’d be there.

The wait outside of venue was almost an hour and I almost gave up (not because it was cold; I was just tired after two shows), but then they came out! I nearly ran to them, not risking I miss a chance to speak to them. One good thing about me is that I’m stupid brave, which means that if I get a chance to talk to a musician, then no matter how anxious and silly I feel, I will fucking do it. So I just came over to Atsuo, being full on „hey, do you have a minute? Our mutual friend K-san was telling you about me, I think”. It was so worth to wait for an hour on the back of the club to see Atsuo’s face light up with „oh right! You’re Cherry, nice to meet you”. (DEAD ON THE SPOT!) I passed him the message from Morrie, he laughed about that enthusiasm. We chatted just for a minute or two more and when I was already bowing and wishing them a safe travels for the rest of the tour, Atsuo was like „don’t you want a picture? Come on!” and suddenly we were taking the group shot. That was not on my bingo card for the night. Did I crop the pic from my own instagram? Hell yes, I am a lazy goblin.

It’s safe to say it was easily the best Boris show I’ve been to and I am just already impatiently waiting for them to come back for a show (but this time with Morrie! Come on…).

[isdalinarhot]

4 & 25 for sadeas (and 20 if you have any ideas)

If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

turn him into a dark brown tabby tom and stick him in the next arc of warrior cats books and he'll fit right in. he'll do such a great job. have him train in the dark forest and everything. warrior cats needs their second first gay character (their first first gay character was tallstar of course)

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

okay i know in the fic i am writing now gavilar and sadeas have a somewhat adversarial relationship. but this is because gavilar is inexplicably homophobic and sadeas is gay married to dalinar. in canon, where gavilar doesnt have the slightest clue that dalinar and sadeas are fuckin, gavilar and sadeas are besties 4 life. gavilar dalinar sadeas actually. all besties 4 life. its just that sadeas and dalinar are fuckin which kind of takes them to a category distinct from Friends in each others minds towards something approximating My Favorite Guy To Have A Gay Affair With. but gavilar and sadeas. pure unadulterated no homo yes homicide bullshit. yeah baby.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

i think i thought so little of sadeas that i didn't even have an opinion on him on the first readthrough. i was kind of like well he and dalinar seem to be having some gay shit going on XD but since i hated dalinar for unknown reasons and i hated sadeas for He's A Guy You're Supposed To Hate reasons i was like well im gonna disregard that. i know when i first read wor and i saw a part would have sadeas povs i was like UGH because i thought he was gonna be a main pov character a la kaladin or shallan. which like. society if honestly. was like HOLY SHIT ADOLIN KILLED HIM????????????? when adolin killed him. it wasn't until my second readthrough when i was autistic about dalinar that i started to be like hmm. hmm. hmm theres something there. and i allowed it to be like well i will make 2 billion jokes about dalinar and sadeas being divorced i will make myself a playlist of songs that are about divorce that i can go omg sooooo sadalinar but then like. around december 2021. a switch in my brain flipped. and all of a sudden it wasn't ironic anymore it was one hundred percent dead serious. and now im autistic and the leading professor in the study of torology and my friend who got me into stormlight does not talk to me anymore

[voiceoffenrisulfr]

Hail Hydra - Chapter Nine "Make a Habit of Two Things: To Help; or at Least to Do No Harm."

Things begin to reach their climax, and an announcement reaches the Soviet compound. CW: Forced to kill; death of PoWs; mentions of torture, neglect and abuse; gun violence. Prompts met; ‘The Gift of Gunpoint’ (Alternate) – December 9th prompt, Dead Dove December, ‘Paranoid’ – December 9th prompt, Hurtcember 2023, ‘Brainwashing’ – December 9th prompt, Whumpcember, ‘Can’t Open Their Eyes’ and ‘Feeling Weak From Blood Loss’ – Winter Wonderland Bingo, “Are You Serious?” – Fandom-Free Bingo.

Check it out on AO3 here, or read below the KR with the boards!

There was no respite for me because of my injury, my body being pushed ever further to new extremes, hours upon hours spent running up and down an isolated corridor, seeing how long I could keep sprinting before my exhausted, dehydrated, starved and beaten muscles gave out, and I was dragged back to my cell by my hair. Every ounce of my food was carefully measured, keeping me weak and pliable – not that it was needed. I saw Aleksi daily, his eyes flicking away from mine as I sought his gaze, and I knew, just as he did, that I would remain true to my word; there would be no disobedience from me. Not now. Despite my exhaustion, even I couldn’t help but notice the unrest that began to settle over the compound. I was left in my cell for days at a time, my wounds actually managing to heal before I was subjected to more tests and experiments. I began to feel myself descend into madness and paranoia in my isolation – was this the beginning of the end? Had I almost fulfilled my purpose, and I would soon be disposed of? The idea of not surviving this, having been through so much, was a painful one. For a while, I’d prayed for death, willing an ending to my torture through any means possible. But after months, I’d come too far to give up, and I was determined to see this through until I was free once more. Even in the height of summer, the temperature rarely rose above moderate, but at least the snow melted from the ground – so when I was dragged outside, blinking in the harsh light, my feet found dry earth rather than patches of ice. “Where are you taking me?” I snarled, jerking against my restraints through obligation rather than any real effort or expectation. “Shut up,” Ivan growled, jerking back just as readily. I’d felt the power in my muscles; I knew that if I really wanted to, I could snap him like a twig. But I was drained, both physically and mentally, and I’d long lost the will to fight. I was pushed to my knees before the doctor, wincing into the sun as I raised my gaze to meet his. “You know the drill, Американский,” he breathed, leaning close, his rancid breath washing over my face. “You obey, or the boy dies.” “Yes, Sir,” I replied stiffly, my back tense and nervous. The torture, the tests – it had all become routine and predictable. But here was something new, and I felt sweat bead under my hairline at the thought of the insidious new hell I’d face. “Двигаться! Move!” I turned my head in time to see a string of almost two dozen men dragged out of the compound, chained to one another and dishevelled - but markedly better kept than myself. They were lined up before the doctor, all but one trembling in their hole-riddled boots; the man on the end stood with an air of resilience, a worn American flag on his sleeve, the chevrons on his shoulder marking him as a sergeant - like myself. He nudged the man beside him - a young man with his head bowed and fatigues shredded beyond recognition - who raised his chin obligingly, tears carving tracks through the grime on his cheeks.

"Free the Germans and the Japanese," the doctor barked, eyes narrowed. The soldiers looked on in disbelief as their shackles were released, standing hesitant and nervous, until their seemingly-merciful captor waved his hand. "Go. If you can make your way off the mountain, you can go home. The war is over, and you have lost. We have no use for you anymore." With a glance at one another, the man began to trudge away - some at a stumbling run, others barely able to stand.

I'll be amazed if half of them make it off this mountain alive, I remarked internally - but I knew better by now than to voice my opinions.

The two remaining soldiers – the Sergeant and his companion – still stood with their chins high, staring down the doctor with something akin to disinterest, though the occasional wobble of the youth’s lip betrayed his fear. “А Aмериканцы?” the Soviet soldier by their side pressed, glaring   Americans? Both of them? The doctor’s gaze shifted to me, chilling me to the bone as he smiled viciously. “Let us test your obedience, soldier.” I don’t know what’s happening… But I don’t think I’m going to like it. “Stand.” “You obey this Russki, soldier?” the Sergeant snapped, glaring as I rose to my feet. I ignored him, my eyes emotionless as they found the doctor’s, and he offered me a gun, grip first. “Show them mercy, Американский.” I weighed the weapon in my hand, and the Soviet by the soldiers stepped forward slightly, earning a warning glare from the doctor. I could shoot him right now. I could end this. My eyes flicked around me, taking in the dozen of Soviet soldiers gathered around – and the countless more out of my sightline. I’d probably be dead before he hit the ground, and Aleksi would be close behind. They wouldn’t be allowed to walk out of here anyway. I looked instead to the soldiers, the Sergeant’s eyes widening in disbelief. “Are you serious? You’re an American! Have they brainwashed you?” “Silence, soldier!” the doctor snapped, turning a glare to him, one hand finding my shoulder firmly. “You know what to do.” I know what to do. My hand shook despite myself as I raised my gun level, quickly and calmly burying a bullet into the younger’s forehead. He doesn’t need to see his superior officer be sh- The logical decision-making of my mind was brushed aside as the Sergeant charged, snarling, my shot coming panicked and unsteady, slicing through the soft skin under his jaw. He stumbled as he reached me, falling to his knees, crimson pumping over the dirt-encrusted uniform as his lip curled in a death glare. My eyes closed automatically as he reached for me weakly, shutting out the sight of this torturous display, even when the doctor growled in my ear and grasped my jaw warningly, lids glued together in horror. “Open your eyes, or the next bullet will be for the boy. And he will not go so quickly.” Reluctantly, forcibly, I resumed staring down at the Sergeant sinking  slowly, sitting on his feet as the light began to fade in his eyes. “Traitor,” he rasped, his head lowering for the first time. “Tr… T…” Tears flowed silently down my cheeks as he collapsed, his blood spreading across the dirt in a gritty puddle, pooling around my feet and staining my skin. I’ll never be clean again.

@hurtcember @whumpcember @deaddovedec @fandom-free-bingo @seasonaldelightsbingo

[kamelpferd]

I Am Writing A Book

For the past year I have been writing a book. A Book Of Poetry And Short Stories. It's almost finished and I will put 10 Stories into it. They are all thought through and a lot of them have already been written.

And I am so proud of myself.

Anyways, here I have a few pictures and short descriptions of the stories that will be in the book, to give you all a little idea of what is coming to you if you think you want to give my little project a closer look. I hope you can find something that is of your interest.

From brutality to sex over fantasy up to historical gay romance. I covered a lot.

I think I have done a pretty good job so far, and it will not take long until it is done. :)

The Men I've Had

She has had enough. Enough of their ego, them wanting to be better, them thinking they have the right. The right to do whatever they want with whoever they feel like. Grace Dennehy knows that everyone just looks away and lets them do as they please. She knows nothing will ever change unless somebody takes matters into their own hands. And so she does.

The Nun And The Nurse

The bible says it is a sin. God says it is a sin. They says she will go to hell for it. Burn eternally. For feeling the purest and most beautiful kind of love. The love for another woman.

Good Night, Little Kimmy

He has known her since she was a little child - But she is not a child anymore. She is a woman. A beautiful young woman who has yet to learn what the world can bring. And he wants to show her. Show her everything he can, but is it right? Is it acceptable? It can't be.

Prince Of Blood - Fate Of The Undead

What would happen if a Vampire Hunter got captured? What if she got captured by the man she was looking forward to kill? What if it turned into a game of fetch between cat and mouse? And what if he showed her what eternal life actually meant?

The Day I Died

She has to kill her. It is her fate, her role, her prophecy - but does she even want to? Does she have to? Because what if she loves her? What if she would rather die than harm her? What if she will?

In My Room

She threw up; every morning she threw up. She saw him in her dreams, night after night after night - and it wouldn't end. He wouldn't go away. He couldn't. He was dead.

Hunting Season

A chance. A chance she took and ran but then it hit her. She wouldn't get away. So she forgot and forgave. She could never escape. She was trapped. Inside his house, his basement, her own delusions. She couldn't leave, she didn't want to.

Silent Night - You Can Run But You Cannot Hide

Lilly and Billly have always been good. One December night, their mother tells them about a creature who visits those whose names are on the naughty list. He comes on christmas eve. And the two children learn about what happens to kids that don't behave.

Bonnie And Her Bride

Elizabeth Hyde's dearest friend is fed up with a life as housewife, under the resistant hand of a sweetheart, a boss and a father. So she takes Bonnie Parker with her, leaves their lives behind, along with everything they were used to and runs away, jumping right into gunfire. Little did she know how much trouble her decisions would bring.

Visitors

"We are writing the year 1983 and just outside my house, Bakerstreet 985, there is a U.F.O. It crashed in my backyard and I think there is something inside-" "Peter what the fuck are you doing?"

Alright, alright. I spent a hell of a time to create this ass post, just for my own satisfaction and to make it a little easier for myself to dive into my stories. I mean, it indeed is easier if you can see something, instead of just reading (even tho reading is also seeing something...)

Anyways, I hope could catch some of you for the one or the other story. I have been working on this book for about a year now, and it is almost done (Jesus, never decide to write a book. It kills you. Really.) But there is still a lot of work to do, so I suppose I could be done in like a year. But then I have to find a publisher... or publish it myself... which I am scared of i mean imagine it doesn't work. 0-0

ANYWAYS lets not think about this right now, haha.

There is a bunch of work ahead of me, but I am willing to do whatever it takes.

-Spencer C. Belford

[coolcoelacanth]

i've been so fucking sad about my ex recently and i feel like a crazy person. it's deadass been 1 year since we last saw each other but it's all just hitting me right now. i was relieved for the first few months after we ended things, then i was sad, then i was doing just fine, now all of a sudden i have been fucking miserable about it for the past month. i really wish i could take my brain out of my head and run it under cold water. i feel like im short circuiting. ive just been overall depressed then ill randomly burst into tears about it for like 30 minutes. i've only been one one date since we ended things, and im starting to feel like ill never find someone i love like that again. he didn't treat me right, and i deserve better, but damn did we work together so well. if he hadn't been an idiot things could've worked out really well. now im back to square one, with all these people i genuinely have no interest in. and im pretty sure he started seeing someone shortly after we ended things and theyre still together. so i just feel even worse, like did all of that really mean that little to him? and why does he get to move on and have a happy ending? i feel like nothing is ever fair bro, i give my heart and soul to this shit and i get the short end of the stick every time. and i really, truly, deeply trusted him. i really really did. i dont know how to get over this horrible feeling of betrayal. it burns a hole in my stomach. it doesnt feel real. i dont want any of it to be real. its all just some kind of sick joke. and i keep playing back all the memories of all the things he did that hurt me, so im just hurting myself over and over again and just crying about it all. my brain is truly putting me thru my own personal hell, for why? who fucking knows. maybe bc i havent had a day off since august and im finally having a nervous breakdown, so my brain is just throwing everything its got at me. and i literally spent 8 hours studying today, then im working 8 hrs tmrw and studying afterward for my exam on monday. but it doesn't end there, it all just repeats on an endless cycle until my semester ends in december. i only have this semester and next semester left until i will only be doing rotations, but jesus christ if this doesnt kill me. and i used to have a reprieve on the weekends when my ex would come over for three days and we would just LOL and eat good food and i really felt like i could completely let all my walls down. now i never get to let my walls down because i dont trust anyone to be myself around. so im just constantly holding everything in all the time until i finally explode one day. this is literally so long but if you made it this far, im literally at my breaking point. and i dont even have time to have a break down, i get to cry about my life for a couple hours a day then i just keep going and going and going like a fucking lunatic. somebody please put me out of my misery for fucks sake

[orphilos]

𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍 ; The meaning for his name.

I have been thinking a lot about the meaning of Minato’s name && how it reflects his character perfectly. Becoming a bigger reason why I find myself preferring his manga name rather than the canonical name that he was given ( Yuki Makoto. ) This is not an attempt to bash the canonical name nor his anime counterpart. I’m fully aware that Yuki Makoto does fit his character as well. However, it does not fit as perfectly as the name Arisato Minato does. I’m making this statement right now, since I’m aware that people love to get into arguments about the p/ersona protagonist's names. This headcanon is meant to be an attempt to explain the meaning of his name && how it reflects his character, but foreshadows the ending for persona 3.

Quick disclaimer, I am not Japanese nor can I read / speak Japanese. I am doing my best to get the information that I am able to gather from online && seeing similar questions asked by other users asking those who either speak Japanese / understand Japanese themselves. Still, If I happened to have misunderstood anything, you can contact me about it ! Secondly, I do wish to give credit to my best friend as they were the ones to help me out on gathering this information && pointing out things that I had not noticed prior. With that now said, let’s discuss his name.

有 ( Ari ) ━━━ translate to “exist / existence.” 里 ( sato ) ━━━ translate to “village / hamlet.” 湊 ( Minato ) ━━━ And lastly Minato translate to “Harbor” or “Port.” In the Dictionary, there’s two ways in which you could read Harbor. The common way would be “a part of the ocean, a lake, etc. That is next to land and that is protected and deep enough to provide safety for ships.” while the uncommon way would be “a place of safety and comfort : haven — often used in the phrase safe harbor.” ( There’s a reason that I am bringing up the secondary meaning for it. )

湊有里 ( Arisato Minato )  ━━━ Could be interpreted / read in two ways. "The existence of a village with a harbor." or "A village that exists with a harbor." A very fitting name for the protagonist, when you start to remember that at the beginning of the game. Minato ends up arriving back at his birth home after ten years of not being there. What was his birth home called? Tatsumi Port Island / Port Island ! His name fits perfectly for the beginning of the game && where he belongs at. His home will be a place that has a Port, someplace that happens to have an ocean / lake. As for the secondary meaning that I had bought up ( the uncommon way ) was the “a place of safety and comfort : haven — often used in the phrase safe harbor.” This one fit perfectly into his character too ! Safety & Comfort : haven. The ending of persona 3 has Minato sacrificing himself to become a Great Seal, sealing Nyx away to prevent The Fall from happening. Obviously, this would seem like a move any protagonist would do in that situation. 

However, Minato’s character from the start to the finish is interesting && one of my favorite characters' developments. He had lost his parents at the age of ten, spent years moving around city to city, town to town, possibly going to an orphanage at some point in his life. The concept of living was nothing but hell to him, people will die. He learned that at an early age, there’s no point in living when everybody will end up dead at some point. That is the mindset that he had thought for years. There’s a reason that he didn’t value his life after all.

That would be until he moved back to his home birth, he found himself around the members of S.E.E.S. Witnessing the death of a teammate of his, a teammate losing their family member or true love, && yet saw how those around him. Never gave up. They had kept moving forward even when all felt lost. There’s a reason that Minato refused to kill Ryoji on December 21th. He had a choice to kill him. But the relationship that he had built with not only S.E.E.S but with Ryoji was far too important for him to lose. He had fought alongside his teammates to stop Nyx, && while they could not defeat Nyx. Minato went with the last resort that he had in hand. It did not matter to him what ended up becoming of him. Whether he ends up dying or something more. All that mattered to him was the people around him could live on happily. At the end of the day, he’s the haven for Tatsumi Port Island.

The safe harbor.

i. On a minor / side note. His parents had given him the name 湊 ( Minato ) to represent that Tatsumi Port Island is his home, that no matter where he ends up going in the future. Tatsumi Port Island is the place that he was born in && will forever be his home.

[hunterguyveriv]

Taking an Indeterminate Break from Writing Until Furter Notice:

So, as many of my followers here know, I have been a writer of various fan fiction of various series, Guyver (mostly), Voltron, specifically Kacxa, a DOOM fan fic, and others. But it pains me to say that because of depression and grieving, I have lost all inspiration for writing and drawing over the last year. I have lost interest in my favorite sport Lacrosse which is also part of my cultural heritage, and other things I was passionate about. So until that inspiration hits me again, don't expect much from me in terms of fan fiction writing. I'm sorry, but at this moment, I'm out. I'll try to get motivated to post any writings I've been meaning to post over the last year and a half before things started to go downhill, but I make no guarantees.

(Picture taken December 2014) Last year, those who have followed me found out that my Grandfather, aged 92, passed away at the end of August after a long fight with cancer. Just recently, my Grandmother, aged 92 - who was also with him for over 70 years, passed away. Their passing hurts more than few could understand because they were the ONLY Grandparents I ever knew growing up. I never got to meet my maternal Grandmother because she passed away of Leukemia when my mother was around the ages of 16 to 18. And my maternal Grandfather only saw me, his ONLY grandson, a handful of times because he was an avid racist, and being a product of an interracial marriage, my parents didn't want me to have anything to do with him or his second wife.

We also lost a family pet due to cancer back in March (a family cat) who passed away in her sleep. But I am forced to face the possibility of losing another family pet, my Gimpy Goofy Good Girl, who we had since 2013. She was a rescue from a High-Kill shelter in one of the Southern states that we adopted from a No-Kill shelter when she was 5 or 6.

Walking is getting harder and harder for her, more so because she's been a tripod since 2019 due to surgery complications. The vet she sees gave us some pain meds to see if they will help make her comfortable, but we know that her remaining time is limited with us. I personally want her to pass in the comforts of home because, after the life she had before we got her, it is something she deserves. But I am prepared to say my "See you later," at the vets when it gets to that point.

Other familiar issues that I am not at liberty to talk about and issues with work have also killed my motivation to write. I try to put forth a strong appearance. Because of where I work, I try hard not to show a change. Some have noticed and offered condolences, while others just seem to not care one bit that one of their department managers is going through some stuff to ask, "Is everything alright?"

I am trying to roll with the punches, I am trying to get myself to be passionate about writing again, but until I feel like myself again I may not free-form another fan-fiction story or an original Kaiju story Ive been wanting to write for a while.

[if-you-fan-a-fire]

"LESTER TELLS STORY OF JAPANESE MURDER," Victoria Daily Times. December 23, 1913. Page 18. --- Alleges Van Horst Shot Yedo Swaga Thrice in the Back ---- BODY WAS THEN CAST OVERBOARD BY THEM ---- Witness Said He Obeyed Because He Was Afraid of Being Killed ---- Vancouver, Dec. 23 - Grasping the edge of the witness box until the sinews of his hands stood out like whipcords, and his knuckles whitened against the tightened skin until they matched the pallor of his face, James Lester, hesitating and halting in his speech, stammered out before Magistrate Alexander in the provincial court this morning, his story of the murder of Yedo Ogowa, a Japanese fisherman.

The murder took place on the Japanese fishing boat during a stormin the middle of the Gulf of Georgia, while the boat was tossed about by the sea with engines pounding. According to the story told by Lester, he and the man who, he alleges, committed the murder, George Van Horst, rolled the body over the side of the boat, where it sank, weighted down by a bag of sand ballast.

Lester, who is of English birth, declared that he met Van Horst several months ago, and being "broke," had then been befriended by him. He helped around Van Horst's grocery store on Powell street, and finally aided in the burglaries that the grocer was committing.

On November 1, Lester said, he, Van Horst and a man named Smith went out to Point Grey in a row-boat to where a large quantity of the loot gained in the burglaries was cached. The next day they went to Eburne without Smith, and Van Horst secured a horas and rig, which Lester drove back to the hiding place.

On the morning of November 4, Van Horst bargained with Owaga, a Japanese fisherman, whom they had met at Eburne, to convey them to Nanaimo in his launch. The price agreed upon was $17. That morning about ten o'clock, having transferred all of the stolen goods to the launch, they started for Vancouver island.

"About two o'clock," Lester declared, "I was sitting in the stern, when Van Horst came to me from the bow of the boat. He had had an argument with the Japanese about the direction we should take, and be says to me I'm going to run this boat myself and I'm going to get that Jap.

"The Japanese was at the wheel in the cabin at the bow of the boat at the time," the witness continued, "and Van Horst went forward and sat in the doorway with his feet Inside of the cabin. From the stern I saw him draw his gun and fire three shots. I could not see the Japanese fall.

"He called me and I went forward."

"What did in say when he called?" asked Crown Prosecutor W. M. McKay.

"Come on in here and get busy. I got him."

"I went forward," Lester continued, "and went into the cabin. I took him - the Jap - by the feet and Van Hurst had him by the shoulders, and we took and hauled him out on the deck.

"He was covered with blood all over his face and head. He had been shot down as he was at the wheel, and hit in the head."

"Shot from behind without a chance to defend himself?" asked Crown Prosecutor McKay.

The witness did not answer.

"Van Horst told me to get a sack of ballast and tie it around the Jap's waist. I did so, and he told me to search him. I leaned over and pulled this watch (pointing to an exhibit from the dead man's pocket and laid it on top of the cabin. We rolled the body over the side of the boat, We never saw it again."

"Were the engines stopped at this point?"

"No, it was too rough to stop the engines - it was very rough."

"In the Jap's pocket in the cabin we found $17. I searched the coat and found the money. I gave the greater part of it to Van Horst - over half of it. The watch I put into my valise."

"Why did you do these things? Why did you assist in putting the body over board and in searching the pockets?" Mr. McKay questioned.

The witness smiled a weak, cowardly smile.

"I was afraid," he murmured, "that I would get what the Jap got if I did not."

"Van Horst had a revolver, that one there. That is the one that he fired the shots with, and I did not have any gun. There ware four on board the boat, but they were in the valise."

Continuing his story, Lester told of how after reaching the shelter of the islands through Poriler Pass, the engines broke down and until daylight they drifted about amongst the islands. About 4 o'clock they landed at Beaver Point, and immediately they reached shoes an attempt was made to scuttle the boat by piling it full of stones.

This was unsuccessful, and an effort was made to scuttle it by chopping through the planking. Three of the five bulkheads held and the craft remained afloat. Another effort was made to overload it, and more stones were secured, but the attempt was a failure. Then the gasoline tank was punctured, and after the fuel had drained from the tanks Van Horst, the witness said, asked him to set it on fire.

"I did not want to do it, and we had an argument, but after a while I said A would, and it a match. An explosion occurred, and I was blown into the water, but managed to swim to a rowboat.

Lester corroborated the evidence called by the crown in connection with the burning launch, and told how Detective Sergeant MeLood had been instrumental in working up the present charge of murder from the blood-stained chart and the watch that had was discovered by the detectives in his valise.

[obsessivefangirl]

Saw this rq and wanted to just go over this. Click read more if you want to go through why I think this is baloney

First of all, before we go any further, performed miracles and born on December 25th will not be touched upon. This is due to how every. single. god. has done some act above our nature or commanded nature to their will. If not they would just be a guy. It's vague and like saying prophets are knock offs of each other. Next, Jesus Christ was never stated to be born on December 25th. In fact, we can narrow His birth due to the shepherds in their fields on the day of His, and shepherds put out their flock in the pasture from spring until early October, meaning He could NOT be born by then. Due to the specifics of John the Baptist's birth, He was likely born somewhere in autumn. Now, let's get into this.

Horus

Horus was not born of a virgin. From all the accounts I could find, even the ones trying to say Christianity was not special, he was conceived through his father. The story is Osiris was collected after all but his penis was collected (his body parts were scattered,) who then healed him to have it, and made love to a resurrected him or a dead body. Others claim she had intercourse before his death. This is nothing like the Christian accounts.

Three wise men were stars of Orion's belt and east of them was Osiris' star (not Horus') from what I could find, even with sketchy skewed against Christianity sources. Also, stars are like, really pretty and seen as unreachable, a lot of myths have them involved. Another thing, Jesus wasn't a star. It wasn't one of those "the stars are gods" things, instead being about a very bright star helping to guide those to Christ. Heck, most biblical scholars agree that it was the conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn, not a star. Not the same. Also, we don't know how many wise men adored Jesus, and they weren't kings. I also could not find any 3 kings for Horus other than the 3 stars of Alnitak, Alnilam and Mintaka.

Jesus was not a teacher at 12. Instead He had amazing understanding of the scriptures and law. He started to preach later in life. He taught people at the synagogue once, that does not mean He was a teacher. I could not find Horus being a teacher 12.

Could find nothing about anything baptism related.

I could not find anything for disciples other than Christians claiming that he had 4, but I couldn't find any non-Christian sources about that either. Do with this as you will. I will call this a draw myself, as it seems like he said she said and I'm not really in the mood to go too deep of a dive (I am meant to be doing school as I write this ^^')

Here is a Christian source talking about Horus, with some sources. Didn't go through this but they may have better things than me

Krishna

The virgin birth of Krishna is completely false.

Could find nothing about the Hindu Krishna, but this might be bc it's flooded by a story where a girl named Jiddu Krishnamurti was declared messiah by Order of the Star in the East so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it might be there, but it's buried under other stuff so I'm taking this as unconcluded.

Could not find anything about his resurrection.

Attis

You could argue that yeah he was born a virgin, but it was very, very different tale. Jesus' birth was important to be virgin in Christianity's eyes due to origin sin and also He was created with no seed, but God formed Him in Mary's womb with none involved. Attis was conceived by a tree made from genitals impregnanted his mother. Even this anti-Christian source that believes Christianity was made by secret societies will tell you that. I cannot find out the exact object whether fruit or seed, but the general idea is the same.

Crucifixion is a tricky one. There's many different tellings. All in all, it seems like he died by his own hand though some say a bull killed him. A tree was involved, either under or hung on a tree. This is not the same, as the reasons and ways They got there is not at all the same. I could show how both Abraham Lincon and Adolf Hitler died by a gun to the head. Yes, that's true, but the reasons and context is so ridiculously different no one would take you seriously.

Some just say "resurrection" but the sources that actually go into it seem to say that Zeus just... preserved his body. He never came back, just the body stayed fresh. Very different.

Mithra

Mithra hatched out of a rock. I mean he wasn't conceived by sex, so that's something? Not much though.

Actually Mithra is the most pathetic excuse on here. No mention of death (which means no staying dead or being resurrected) or disciples. Whoever made this just straight up lied for Mithra. Like, more than this entire thing.

Dionysus

Both ones have him conceived, then born by a new person bc something happened. He was always conceived from sex.

Could not find any proof of any other claims, unless the "resurrection" was his rebirth after getting killed as an infant, then having his heart eaten and being conceived again, but like. Jesus' resurrection and birth was very different, and Dionysus was more of rebirth. Not to mention that this is the lesser agreed upon birth of Dionysus.

I'm not saying you have to believe Christianity due to this analysis ofc, but I just saw this and wanted to see how fabricated this was, which is very. The similarities there are are not enough to claim it is inspired, as tales come eerily close to life sometimes, and these are not errily close at all. If you disagree or found reputable sources, you're welcome to add on. I will be ignoring and blocking rude and holier than thou comments or just "Jesus isn't real lmao" bc really it's not worth my time.

[indigo474]

December 2nd 2023

I was a bit emotional today. I went on face book and saw Michaels wife posted a photo and i am reminded of everything ive lost. it hurts. what can i do but let it hurt. it brings up so many emotions in me.. my kids will never know how much i had to fight for them. and thats ok. i think of Madison and the pain she carries. she lost a lot too... why?? i do think X is evil- to do what he has done not only to me but to Madison- she had nothing to offer him- no trust fund and how dare she cost him money.. so so sick.. but then.. they are adults so shame on them for not speaking to their sister. shame of meghan-- someday someday-- the truth- i don't know when, or how.. and i don't know how 1 man ..... i ran almost 5 miles today. I'm going to need a bigger park. I'm doing the 10 k program so it wasn't all at one but it was challenging.. running is mental. i noticed when i start to feel uncomfortable while running i'm able to tell myself that its ok because ive felt uncomfortable before and it will pass. i ruined my run on thursday because my music app wouldnt work.. i kept trying and trying to get it to work- stopping and starting and i got so mad myself -- it's not working why do you keep trying? i had it in my head i couldnt run without music. Friday i ran without music. today i had music until the last 10 minutes.. i'm excited to see how far i can run. i'm still not sure i am a runner.. i'm not built like one. BUT i like it. I lifted today. 170 dead lift- it felt heavy.. ohh an this week my back has been hurting me.. i'm pretty sure i am getting my period or due to get it and thats why 1 emotions and 2 my back hurts??? it was stiff all week.. sitting at a desk all day make my body sore.. i still lifted heavy although i told james on tues my back hurt so i didnt life as heavy.. today i went in tired from my run which i probably shouldnt be doing.. i guess i could have waited to run afterwards? i have no idea what i should or shouldnt be doing.. i think james said ideally i shouldnt be doing both on the same day.. benched 100-- i get it- i lose it.. split squats almost killed me today- he upped the weight. i played with Kika.. james did a chrome delete on his tesla and his dad was not happy about it- i think its his dads car.. i think it looks good but he needs to get new wheels.. i'm getting use to my commute- i knew i would. i was merging when i should have been yielding- i'm glad i figured that out.. work is kind of horrible. i know one of my reps is going to be in for a rude awakening soon.. its heating season so things are a bit crazy- i was a little bitchy on friday with 2 of my reps.. the one coming to my desk for me to help her after i told her i was busy.. the other is ghetto and i had enough..everyone is so use to me being me- happy helpful positive- they could tell i wasnt in the mood on friday.. it is what it is.. i'm human too.. i had a meeting with both reps separately.. I wore myself out today. Ive been thinking about turning 50- i hate to say this but i'm slightly scared.. a little bit. my mom told me menopause hit her at 50. she went on to tell me how horrible it was.. so i guess i have that in the back of my mind. i feel like i was starting to have symptoms but they have mostly gone away. i want to be and feel excited about aging- it's a privilege and i cant stop it- it's when i hear people say negative things about it- the good news it I am not my Mom.. My house is decorated. it looks good. I wish i had another Christmas tree to decorate.. Madison says 3 is too many.. i'm not convinced. ive had a pretty incredible year.. i don't know how 2024 can top it.....

Madison is going to be working 3rd shift- she is happy.. i'm not that thrilled for her to be out in the middle of the night.

James says i should join the dating apps again.. its the only way to meet someone.. I do want to meet someone- i just do not want to join any dating app..... not now anyway. I am enjoying being single- i thought to myself today that i should enjoy it because i wont always be single. I won't always be single. he's out there..

[k3n3al]

peace

Remember days I ain’t have no rest

Plenty things I regret

i Know where I’m headed

remember you didn’t respond when i sent it

remember you wanted money and i spent it

remember you wanted an apartment i rent it

remember when you said you’re pregnant

i was locked away

i couldn’t even kill myself

i was all by myself

i stopped loving myself

i didn’t want to help myself

i hated myself

he stayed with you every night

i was in my room with no light

i hated life and i didn’t want to fight

i just wished the baby was mine

you made fun of my body

and you loved his

you said i’m small

and he’s big

you said i’m fat

and he’s skinny

i felt like a boy

and he was your man

we used to smoke everyday

i used to roll us a blunt

because you say you had a long day

you roll him backwoods everyday

i just want to get out the way

you told me he hits you daily

i thought we could be together again maybe

i remember when i called you baby

i remember when we wanted a baby

i remember i was gonna be in the navy

i remember you said you hate me

you told me that you were so happy

with him

i wanted to jump off a building

but i was too scared i felt like a bitch

i remember when you had the baby shower

i wanted to die and become a flower

i was alone everyday for 24 hours

i spent my 23rd birthday alone

in my room

i felt comfortable in gloom

i wanted my doom

i wanted my tomb

i felt like a coward

maybe it was my fault

you went to another man

maybe it was my fault

and you should’ve ran

maybe this was all Gods plan

and i’m meant to be alone

you never answered your phone

the winter was so cold

i stopped talking to family

i didn’t have friends

i really thought it was the end

i wanted God to end it all

i just wanted to fall

and never wake up

on my off days

i would sleep until the day was over

then i would turn over

and sleep more

i slept from December to November

the residents at my job kept me happy

i just wanted to work

and i sent my money to you

i paid your rent because i loved you

you gave birth

she came out and looked nothing like me

your baby was born in march 2022

i died march 2022

i thought we would die together

i died alone

you had a new king in my throne

he wasn’t even there to see his baby born

we got back together

and i thought i could make you happy

then i met another girl

and she made me happy

you cried every night and i felt horrible

you told me you were suicidal

i left that girl and went back to you

you told me i was horrible

i believed you

then later i met another girl at work

i thought maybe we could make it work

i should have told you like a man

but i hid it from you and it was my plan

but she found out

and told me i’ll go to hell

i believed her and i punished myself

everyday

i hated myself even more

you told me that you wanted more

you told me that i was the worst

you told me that i’m a slut

you told me you wished you never met me

i wished i was never born

i cried alone every night

i asked God to show me the light

i thought God gave up on me

so i wanted to leave

maybe hell really was for me

maybe the devil would accept me

and understand me

but i had to snap out of it

satan had a hold on me

i looked for God and he helped me

we went on more dates but i wasn’t happy

when i looked at daughter i only saw him

your baby would smile at me

maybe we can make this work

you told me i’m a pervert

and i should not be around her

i believed you and i hated myself

i don’t know what to do anymore

i can’t make you happy

i’m not happy

maybe this is what i deserve

maybe i deserve to die

i just hope one day

i can be a tree

and be free

and maybe i’ll finally

rest

in

peace

[banannabethchase]

Nick is a protective older brother, Matt and Mox get some alone time, and Adam Cole is adequate.

~

Saturday December 14th

Nick

They’re in the barn half asleep Saturday night after a successful home game, desperate to do something fun and failing miserably, when Nick says it.

“Are you gonna tell Mox?”

Matt pushes her head up from where it was buried in hay and Adam’s chest. Nick isn’t jealous. “Huh?”

“Are you going to tell Mox you’re a girl?” Nick rolls himself over from where he’d been burying himself in piles of hay.

Matt stares at him. “Um.”

“Not that I’m trying to pressure you,” Nick says. There’s hay in his pants. He doesn’t know how he managed to get hay inside his pants. “I’m just – I wanted to ask. Mom…said something.”

Matt glares at him. “What did you tell her?”

“Nothing!” Nick says. “Nothing, Matt, I swear. She saw I was being weird when you and Mox were on your date and – and she thought I was worried because of how things ended with Jude.”

Adam groans, dropping back onto the bale of hay. “Not that douchebag again.”

“He’s not a – never mind. Look, I didn’t tell her anything. But…” He trails off and shuffles back over to where Matt and Adam are all over each other like puppies. Nick drapes himself across Adam’s back, pretending it doesn’t make his heart flutter. “I don’t want to have to kill Mox if he hurts you.”

Matt snorts. “Yeah. Sure. You could beat up Mox. Sure.”

“I – I could!” Nick says. Adam’s body starts shaking under him. “What, you don’t think I could?”

“No,” Adam says, spitting hay out of his mouth with a grin. “I appreciate your belief in yourself though, buddy.”

“Oh, shut up,” Nick says, poking Adam in the shoulder. “I just mean – if he – if he leaves you because you’re a girl, I’m going to want to kick his ass, you know?”

Matt sighs, twirling the ends of her hair around her fingertips. “I know,” she says quietly. Adam and Nick rearrange themselves to get a better look at her. “But. I think he’ll be okay about it, you know? I think he’ll still like me.”

Nick tries not to frown, not to make it look too much like he has no faith in Mox. “If you’re sure, Matty.”

“I am,” she insists. She gets that weird half pout, half glare on her face. “And if he sucks, I’ll kick him in the balls myself. I’m not above a low blow.”

“Yeah, we know,” Adam says. “We played hide and seek with you as kids.”

“And we saw what you tried to do to Cody,” Nick mutters.

Matt’s eyes narrow. “We don’t bring up Cody,” she says darkly.

“I know!” Nick says, hands up in front of himself. “I’m sorry. It was just a joke.”

“He deserved it, though,” Adam says. “Like, kicking him in the knee was well deserved.”

“Should have stomped his dick off,” Matt grumbles.

Nick sighs, a bit wistful. “Kind of wish I’d had the opportunity to stomp Jude’s dick off.”

Aam pulls him in for hug, and Nick immediately feels warm.

“I would have done it for you,” Matt says, patting Nick on the knee. “Jude’s a dick. No ancient dinosaur is worth my bother.”

“Brother,” Adam corrects.

“I said what I said,” Matt says, crossing her legs primly. “Anyway. I’m hungry. Let’s get pizza or something.”

~

Tuesday December 17th

Matt

She yawns as her arm slips off the hard table, shaking her head before she falls asleep again.

“Crap,” she mutters. Her laptop is still on, the screen open to her AP English final paper. It still blinks ominously, cursor alone on a blank page. She checks her handwritten notes again. Then the time. “Oh, boy.”

She types furiously for fifteen minutes straight, hoping whatever she’s writing is making sense, until the bell rings and it’s time for lunch.

“Nope,” she decides. “Nope. Gotta finish this.”

Her phone bloops next to her. Mox.

“Hey, Mox,” she says, resting her phone between her cheek and shoulder. “I fell asleep during my free block so I forgot to write my AP English paper.”

“That sucks,” Mox says. “I’m guessing you’re not on your way to lunch, then?”

“Nope,” Matt says. “I’ll text you some kisses, okay?”

Mox is quiet for a second. “Do you even have lunch?”

“No, but I’ll be okay.”

“I’ll see you in, like, five minutes,” Mox says.

“No, I told you. I’m writing a paper.”

“Five minutes!” Mox repeats. And he hangs up the phone.

Matt rolls her eyes and gets back to her paper, the first five hundred words coming and going with no issue. She’s in the zone. She’s ready for this. Food is for squares – she has a paper to write.

“I thought I’d find you here.”

She jumps half a foot at the voice, so engrossed in the themes of Brave New World she’d forgotten where she’s sitting.

“Whoa!” Mox says, stepping back with two lunch trays in his hand. “Sorry, Matty. I – I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“No, it’s okay,” Matt says. “Did – did you bring me lunch?”

Mox nods and sits down next to her, setting down the lunch trays and gently moving the computer out of the way. “You need to eat to keep all that energy up.” He smiles at her, crinkles around those blue eyes, and Matt thinks that might enough to convince her she could fall in love with him. “If you’re gonna cheer and be super smart, you gotta make sure to have enough energy to do both.”

They chat as they eat the cafeteria spaghetti, and Mox slurps a noodle so emphatically that it leaves a smear on his chin. Matt giggles and leans forward to wipe it off with her thumb. Mox stops halfway through his sentence, eyes locked on Matt’s.

“Sorry,” Matt says, pulling away. She wipes the sauce off on her napkin. “Sorry, it’s just. You had pasta sauce?”

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” Mox blurts out. “Like, officially? Like…for real?”

Matt blinks. “Because I wiped sauce off your face?”

Mox shakes his head, looking a little panicked. “No, I just. I really like you.” He swallows. “Not to be pushy or anything, but, um. What do you think?”

“Oh!” Matt wipes her hands off on the napkin then stands. “Yes, I’ll be your – your boyfriend. I’m.” She pauses, giggling, unsure of where exactly her sentence was going next. “Yeah. I like the idea of you as my boyfriend.”

Mox gazes up at her, with smile on his lips. “Yeah?”

She nods, leaning down to press a kiss to Mox’s lips. “Yeah.”

It’s brief, of course, because they’re in public and already that kid with the sunglasses is turned toward them, though Matt never knows if he’s awake or asleep.

“Okay,” Matt says, pulling back before she gets herself all the way in Mox’s lap. “Okay. Um. Let’s get some homework done, okay?”

They do. Sort of. But the glances they exchange make it a lot hard for Matt to think of a dystopia.

~

Nick

“Hey asked you to be his boyfriend?” Nick says.

Matt nods, ponytail bouncing as they half skip to the courts. She looks excited, perky. He only hopes the ankle tape holds up against her excitement. “He did!” she says, turning toward Nick. She walks to the women’s locker room. “I’ll tell you more details later,” she says.

Nick didn’t realize until now how seamlessly Matt fits in with the girls, how obvious that’s where she’s always belonged, until right now. They’ve always welcomed her into their spaces, always expected her there.

He worries, secretly, that that’ll change when she comes out to them. If she comes out to them.

“You,” Cole says, clapping Nick on the shoulder so hard his knees half buckle. “Oh, dude. Sorry. You good?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Nick mumbles, distracted.

Cole follows his gaze, then turns back to him. “You sure? Because you’re being weird about the girl’s locker room, and that in itself feels weird.”

Nick shrugs. “Nah, I’m good. Just worried about Matt.”

“Everybody’s always a little worried about Matt,” Cole says. He bumps Nick with his shoulder and they make their way to the boy’s locker room. “He does weird flips in the air and acts like he’s bulletproof and then still manages to have good hair through all of it.” He shakes his head. “I tried his rinse with cold water trick and all it did was give me major dick shrinkage.”

“Thanks,” Nick laughs. “Definitely something I wanted to know. Go tell Kyle.”

“About my tiny dick? Absolutely not.”

“Cole has a tiny dick?” Mox asks. “That’s okay.” He claps Cole on the shoulder, and Nick fights the urge to laugh. “It’s all about the motion of the ocean, man. Not the depth of the sea.”

“I don’t have a tiny dick!” Cole says. “You have all seen me in the showers!”

“That implies we look, my guy,” Yuta calls from where he’s yanking a gym shirt on over his head. “My eyes are firmly on the walls.”

Cole gasps, fake offended. “Do we have a token straight in our midst?”

Yuta scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Nick would like to know, actually, but it’s not his business to ask.

“Anyway,” Cole says, “I don’t have a tiny dick. It was just really cold because Matt told me cold water would make my hair shinier, and all it did was make me really cold.”

“Your dick is perfectly adequate, Adam,” Kyle says, kissing Adam’s cheek.

“Adequate?!”

They don’t let it go the whole game, yelling, “Adequate!” whenever anybody sinks a basket or makes a good pass.

Cole pouts the whole time.

~

Saturday December 21st

Matt

Matt’s on top of the world. She passes all her finals, AP English with a 93, and flies into the last game of the semester with wins under her belt and four days of being with Mox officially. Her ankle is all but good as new, and any problems are supported with tape and the occasional ibuprofen. She’s even been getting plenty of sleep, which is a miracle on its own.

And, she thinks with a bit of a fuzzy feeling in her chest, all of her college applications are in. For better or worse, that stress is over with. She pretends that submitting the application to the local state school, the one that offered Mox a scholarship, wasn’t the most exciting one.

Matt’s practically glowing as she rushes onto the court to welcome everybody to the last basketball game of the year, Christmas and New Year’s near around the corner. Britt has to yank her off the court by her ponytail when she gets too into it.

“Oh my god, Matt,” Britt laughs as they make it to their spots on the sidelines. “Take a breather, babe. Save some energy for the actual routine.”

Matt’s excited, though. Something about today feels big. All the people in the crowd, Adam, Kenny, and their parents and everyone else. It feels big.

Her cheer routine is impeccable and the team wins the basketball game. It feels like a fairy tale, too good to be true, when the buzzer rings out and it’s Nick’s final basket that solidifies the win.

Matt gets scooped up by Mox after he celebrates with the team, Nick busy somewhere else getting hoisted onto shoulders for his game winning shots in the last five minutes, and she kisses Mox like the whole world is nothing compared to what they have going on.

“You did it!” she says, grinning up at Mox.

“Nah, it was mostly Nick and Claudio,” Mox says, waving it off. “But we won, which is cool. Your routine was awesome. Looks like your ankle is all better.”

Matt nods and wiggles her foot. “Good as new.” She blushes a little. “Thanks to you helping me carry my bags and stuff.”

Mox blushes too, a look he hides by ducking his head. She loves that this is a side only she gets to see, this almost bashful shyness. It’s fun.

When he lifts his head, he’s back to normal. “Yeah, well, can’t let my injured boyfriend carry his bags when I’m right here to do it for him, right?”

Matt doesn’t let his smile flicker at the word “boyfriend.” Mox doesn’t know. She knows that. But it still hurts. She steps into his chest and he hugs her quickly.

“I gotta go high five the other team, but I’ll be back over in a second.” He turns to leave, then spins around to press a kiss to Matt’s forehead. She does her best not to swoon as she makes her way back over to the cheerleader’s bench, where Willow and Riho are giving kissy faces too her.

“You guys are so gross,” Willow giggles, bumping Matt’s hip. “Like, be cuter why don’t you.”

“We could,” Matt replies. “We could start making out on the court.”

Riho grins. “Oh, I dare you!” she says, bouncing on her toes.

Matt grins. “You two are so weird.”

“We love love,” Willow says, shrugging. “And I miss Ruby. So sue me.”

Matt pats her arm. “Sorry, Wills.”

She shrugs, sighing. “Her loss,” she says. Matt can tell she’s trying to remain stoic, but it doesn’t stick all that well. Matt hugs her and wishes she could do more.

“Are you at least feeling better?” Matt asks.

Willow shrugs as Riho wraps her arms around Willow’s waist. “I guess,” Willow says, blowing a stray curl out of her eyes. “But it sucks. You know?”

“I know,” Matt says. She hopes her smile is sympathetic. “Call me if you want to talk, okay? When we get home.”

Willow nods, wiping a tear or two away. “Sorry,” she chokes out. “Jeesh, I should be better by now.”

“It’s okay,” Riho says, “really, Wills, don’t beat yourself up. You’re allowed to be upset about it.”

“We’re your friends,” Matt says. “It’s, like, our jobs to give you hugs when you’re sad.”

Hugs turn into a pile of snuggles once Britt and Athena show up, and eventually the entire cheerleading team is laughing about god knows what in each other’s laps.

“Are you guys okay?” Jamie asks, hands on her hips. She’s grinning down at all of them. “The lesbian urge to dive into this pile of girls is almost impossible to resist.”

Britt jumps to her feet and takes Jamie’s hand. “You can dive into this girl at home.” She winks.

“Okay, well, that’s a lot,” Athena says, rolling her eyes. “Come on, girls, get out of here before we all get yelled at again.”

Britt and Jamie giggle.

“No!” Athena says, shaking a finger. “No fucking in the locker room showers! Not again.”

They all get themselves together and up, couples pairing off and leaving the room, until Matt sees Mox shuffle out of the locker rooms, hair wet and messy on his forehead. Again, Matt does not swoon. She’s so focused on Mox, on taking his hand as they meet up in the middle of the court, that he doesn’t notice his parents walking up behind him until he hears his dad clear his throat in a very familiar way.

“Good game, boys,” Matt’s dad says, sticking his hand out to Mox. “Mox, I’m assuming.”

Matt tries not to panic. “Um, yeah. Hi, Dad. Um. This is Mox. My boyfriend.”

Mox’s hand is shaking a little as he shakes Matt’s dad’s hand, then his mom’s. “Nice to meet you sir. And, uh. Ma’am.”

“Oh, goodness, you do not need to call me ma’am,” Matt’s mom says, scoffing. Matt does her best not to roll her eyes. “You can call me Joyce.”

Matt raises an eyebrow. “You never told Cody that he could call you Joyce.”

“Cody didn’t call me ma’am and your father sir when he met us,” his mom says. “That shows effort. I can appreciate that.”

Mox laughs weirdly. “Um. I think I’m just gonna call you Mrs. Jackson, if that’s okay?”

“That’s perfectly fine,” Matt’s mom says. “Anyway, we’ll be on our way. Just wanted to congratulate our boys.”

Matt grins. “Thanks for coming. See you at home?”

Matt’s mom kisses her on the forehead. “See you at home.”

Matt and Mox just sort of…stay in the middle of the court, talking about absolutely nothing.

“Why are you both still here?” Nick yells, arms folded as he stands next to Adam and Kenny. Matt definitely notices how much closer Nick’s standing to Adam. “Go home.”

Matt and Mox turn to look at him. Nick looks a little pinched, a little strange. Matt tries to will him not to say a damned thing, not to make things weird. “We will, just. Go away, baby brother.”

Nick rolls his eyes. “Oh, my god, I’m 15 months younger.”

“Exactly,” Matt says, trying to insist. “Baby. Baby brother. Go away.”

“I have an idea,” Mox says. He grins.

“Oh!” Matt says. “Oh, yes. Nick, if you’re gonna stay, you’ll have to watch this.” She leans in.

“Oh god,” Nick says, wincing. “Are you really - you’re gonna.”

“Yep!” Matt says. She grins, feeling something fizzy bubble up inside her. Mox pulls her close and dips her, kissing her like the world could disappear and it would just be them.

Unfortunately, Nick’s still there. “Oh, you’re kissing. Alright then. Great.”

Matt pulls away just in time to see a basketball whizzing toward her head, but Mox, eyes still locked on Matt’s, reaches out without looking and catches the ball with one hand.

“Oh, my god,” Matt says, giggling. “Your hands are so big.”

“I’m gonna throw up,” Nick mumbles. Matt hears Kenny and Adam laughing hysterically in the background.

“You can always go anywhere other than here?” Matt says, flipping him off as Mox kisses down her neck. “Like, you can leave.”

“Gonna,” Nick mumbles. “Oh, god, ew.” He runs at Adam. Interesting. “Adam, make them stop.”

“Why?” Adam says as Nick barrels into him, half bouncing off his chest. “I’m not getting in the middle of this.”

“They are involving tongues,” Nick says. He grabs Adam’s hand and slaps it over his eyes. “This is something I am not comfortable seeing.”

Kenny’s laughing, hand on Nick's shoulders to try and turn him to Matt and Mox. But Adam looks uncomfortable, a little tense, stiff. Matt gets it. She does.

But it doesn’t feel fair that her best friend is weird about her boyfriend for something that happened back in middle school.

“Adam, please relocate my bother to a place where he won’t comment on my love life,” Matt says, sliding her hand into Mox’s. Mox squeezes.

“My pleasure,” Adam says, a bit sour. He puts two hands on Nick’s shoulders and practically frog marches him to the door. “I’ll take him home, Matty, don’t you worry about him.”

“And I’ll make sure the two of them don’t get in a car accident on the way, as long as they remember I exist,” Kenny adds. He turns bright red as his text alert goes off, like he still thinks his thing with Kota is a secret.  “Good game, guys.”

The door swings shut behind the two of them.

“Well then,” Mox says. His grin is anything but innocent, and Matt doesn’t miss the way he licks his lips. “We’re alone. What could we possibly do?”

“We are not making out on the bleachers,” Matt says firmly. “Last time I did that my hair got caught.”

Mox raises an eyebrow. “Last time?”

Rolling his eyes, Matt walks away. “Look, me and Adam did some weird stuff back when we were freshman, okay?”

There’s a weird choking sound, and Matt turns to see Mox with a weird look on his face. “What’s wrong with you?”

“You hooked up with Adam?!” Mox asks.

“Oh – ew, not Page,” Matt says, shaking her head so fast her hair starts flying around her face. “Cole.”

“I don’t see how that’s better, but okay.” Mox takes her hand and swings it as they walk toward the door. “You two were a thing?”

“Sort of by accident,” Matt says. “Nick was with his boyfriend all the time and Cole and I were bored, and this was back when he was on JV for basketball so he didn’t have as long for practices, and we kind of…” She trails off, shrugging. “Look, we weren’t really together. If you’re jealous.”

“I’m not jealous,” Mox says firmly. “I just. Well, honestly, you two are very…pretty to be together.”

Matt preens. “Thanks.”

“Seriously, all that hair,” Mox says, grin turning teasing, “what did you do with it?”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Nah,” Mox says, and he twirls Matt. She feels like a princess. “How about I tell you how cute you are when you get all flustered and we make out in my truck?”

Matt nods, half skipping as they make their way down the hallway toward the student parking lots. “As long as you don’t honk the horn again by accident.”

“Deal.”

~

Nick texts twenty minutes later, when Matt is flustered and pink and a little riled up from Mox’s kisses.

Adam and I are going to see a movie text Mom so she doesn’t freak out.

Matt groans, rolling her eyes.

“What?”

“Nick’s going to the movies and wants me to text Mom to, like, not-ask permission.” He sends off a quick text to their mom. And is surprised by the response. “Oh.”

“What oh?” Mox leans into her space, and her entire body feels tingly.

“My mom and dad went to see a movie too,” Matt says. She looks up at Mox, doing her best to flutter her eyelashes. “So, uh. The house is all ours, if we want it.”

Mox lights up, but it’s almost like he’s trying to keep his excitement under control. “Yeah?”

Matt nods.

“So, just to be clear,” Mox says, adjusting in the bed of the truck, “you’re inviting me to hang out while your parents are gone?”

“Sounds like it.”

Mox grabs her and kisses her, and Matt pretty much just melts. “God, you’re the best. Get out of my car so we can go to your house.”

Matt hops out of the truck bed before Mox can catch another kiss.

“What?” Mox says. “No goodbye kiss?”

“How about you keep it together for, like, fifteen minutes, and you get a hello kiss?” Matt says. She does her best to make her smile as alluring, as suggestive, as possible.

Mox visibly swallows, eyes going wide. “Um. Y-yeah. Yeah I can.” He grins. “I really, really like you.”

Matt feels herself beaming. “I really, really like you, too.” She makes herself turn and go over to her car, because, if she didn’t, she may never leave Mox alone.

She drives home listening to the most bubblegum pop possible, bouncing in her seat. She and Mox haven’t had a chance to be alone, really alone, together, since that first movie date. She thinks there’s a chance everything inside her is buzzing, like she’s lightning made human.

Getting home sends her into a new kind of panic, because Nick’s left his gross socks all over the living room and there are so many photos of Matt and Nick in embarrassing situations all over the house, and she probably smells after the game. She manages the fastest shower in history while half redecorating the living room, and she’s gotten everything together by the time she hears a knock on the door.

She smooths her hair, checking it in the reflection of a pan hanging on the wall, then steps to the door.

“Okay,” she says. She exhales, inhales, exhales again. And opens the door.

Mox looks a bit sheepish, hands in his pockets. He lifts his head and smiles. He looks so, so cute when he smiles. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Matt says. She steps aside and lets Mox step past her. He stops just far enough away from the door so it doesn’t hit him as Matt lets the door swing shut.

“You okay?”

“Yeah! Fine!” Mox rolls his shoulders. “So fine.”

Matt fights a smile. “You nervous?”

“No.”

Matt stares at him, raises an eyebrow.

“Shut up,” Mox mumbles. “I’m gonna kiss you now and – and try to make you forget I’m being so weird.”

“Works for me.”

Mox pulls her up against him and they bonk, chest to chest. As Mox leans down, lips to hers, Matt thinks how much better this will be if – when – she gets boobs. If she gets a body that matches who she is.

She stops thinking pretty quickly, though, because they stumble and giggle their way through the kitchen, the hallways, into the living room.

Mox, stops, though, before sitting on the couch. “Is – can we sit on it?”

Matt frowns. “Sit? On the couch?” She blinks. “It’s a couch. What else would we do with it?”

“I, uh,” Mox’s shoulders go up near his ears, and Matt reaches out to smooth her hands across them, trying to release some of the tension. “I had an – an ex whose parents were, like. They had rules about who could be on what furniture, and I messed up and sat on their fancy couch by accident.”

“Yeah, we have a sitting couch and that’s it,” Matt says. To prove it, she flops down on the couch, stretching out on it. “And a laying couch.”

Mox’s smile is back. “Any chance it could also be a kissing couch?”

“It could definitely be a kissing couch.” Matt reaches up and Mox leans down. “Um. You can, like.” She grabs the labels of his jacket. “You can come down…here?” She shuffles, trying to figure out what she’s trying to say. She gives up and sits, back against the arm of the couch. “Please?”

“Yeah, course, I just. Shoes?”

“Oh, right. Yeah, just kick them off. They’ll be okay.”

Mox nods and undoes his boots and arranges them, adorably, in a perfect line at the end of the couch. He smiles at her. “Hi.”

“We’ve said hi, like, eight times,” Matt says, grabbing his hand.

“I’m nervous. Cut me some slack.” He leans in and kisses her cheek.

Before he can turn away, Matt turns her head and catches her lips. She kisses him, soft at first. He pulls away. “Still nervous?”

“Not as much, no.”

They kiss and laugh and talk and kiss until Mox ends up stretched out on the couch, pulling Matt on top of him.

Matt tries her best not to get to overwhelmed, too dizzy with it, too much, and definitely doesn’t think about what else they could do in this time. It hasn’t been long enough, she tells herself. She’s not moving too fast. Not this time.

Eventually, tuckered out from the semester and the whirlwind of a game, they curl up together on the couch, trying to kiss through yawns.

“I’m tired, but I’m not actually tired,” Mox says. “Does that make sense?”

Matt shrugs, nuzzling into Mox’s chest. “No, but I get it. I’m going to stay right here, forever.”

“Forever’s a long time, but my phone is fully charged, so I’m game.”

Matt giggles, adjusting as she rests on top of Mox, and she puts enough into it that she half falls off the couch. She tries to keep a blush from happening as she sits on the edge, not sure what to do next.

“Sorry,” she says.

“For what?” Mox asks. He holds open his arms and beckons Matt in. “Come back up here.”

She’s more hesitant than she expects as she adjusts herself on Mox’s chest. She expects to be too heavy, to dense, too something for Mox, but he just sighs contentedly with a grin.

“That’s better,” Mox says. He wraps his arms around her. “That’s great, actually.”

 “Yeah?”

“Mhm.” Mox closes his eyes. “Wake me up when your parents get home so they don’t kill us.”

Matt settles her head down. She can hear Mox’s heartbeat, slow and steady. She yawns as she snuggles into Mox’s chest, feeling warm and cozy. She could fall asleep here. Mox is comfortable, cozy, solid.

She realizes she feels safe.

Heart suddenly racing, she lifts her head. “Mox?”

“Yeah, baby?” He grins down at her, eyes sleepy. “Thought you were asleep.”

“Only halfway,” Matt says. She pushes herself up to sitting. Her hands shake a little. “Mox, can I tell you something?”

Mox pushes himself up on his elbows. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Matt says, suddenly breathless. “Yeah, it’s just. I – I’m not your boyfriend.”

Mox’s face switches from confusion to devastation so fast Matt can’t deal with it. “You’re breaking up with me?”

“No!” Matt says, and she wishes she could do this better. “No, Mox. Um. I’m not your boyfriend because I – I’m not a. I’m not a boy.”

Mox’s eyebrows shoot up. “Oh.”

“Specifically,” she says, and her voice is shaking. She can’t control it. “I’m a girl. So, instead, I’d be your girlfriend.” She feels nervous. “Is that okay?”

Mox’s surprise fades into a gentle smile. He shuffles so he’s sitting up, leaning against the arm of the couch. “I’m bisexual for a reason. Mostly, I like you, though.” He reaches out to her. “Can I call you my girlfriend? To everybody?”

Matt wants to say yes. God, she wants to be Mox’s girlfriend and wear his letterman jacket over a dress and put on heels and smudge her lipstick all over his neck before a game. But. “Not yet,” she says, frowning. “Um. To me, yes. And to Nick.”

“Nick knows?”

Matt nods. “Only him. And you, now.” She sits back on her heels, letting the moment wash over her. “And Adam. But nobody else knows. I’m not. I’m not ready yet.”

“Hey, that’s totally fine,” Mox says. He twirls some of her hair around his finger. “Whenever you’re ready. I got you, baby.” He pulls Matt down on top of him, pressing a kiss to the top of Matt’s head. “Girlfriend. That’s fun.”

Matt giggles and settles herself on top of Mox. “I’m your girlfriend.”

“You are.”

They snuggle silently on the couch, Mox running his finger through Matt’s hair, and it feels like, maybe, Matt will be able to be herself.

Maybe, Matt won’t have to play at being a boy for much longer.