#And I want them to kiss onscreen or say they love each other so badly

[goodshipskypirate]

Man, I hope someone will post the FULL sprite sheets of Resh'an someday, including his younger self. I have racked my brain trying to figure out how his clothes work.

I thought at first his one white sleeve was an error, but no, it's clearly a case of the other having been ripped off or lost or something. I'm going by the assumption that his clothes was in a state of disarray during the flashback. I noticed the ends of his robe also looked like it'd been torn off.

It's subtle, but you can see in his present form, the end of the robe is much more intact. Clearly, both Resh'an and Aephorul had been roughing it out to get to this state (maybe it's meant to show a passage of time of two recently turned immortals who hadn't given much thought to the state of their clothes; we all know Resh'an doesn't bother to clean himself up until Garl told him to.)

I also thought the red peeking out from his robe is from his tunic (the one his current, present self dons), but his character profile implies he's wearing a purple vest.

Which I would have pegged as a deliberate inconsistent between the sprite and character profile pic that a lot of older games did due to graphical limitations at the time (Shovel Knight, for example, does this on purpose), but actually, the game has been fairly good about keeping a consistency with all the characters' appearances, regardless of media shifts. Maybe that purple is only on the back of the vest and red up front like the profile shows, but I always assumed that was lighting.

I'm still baffled on what Resh'an's hair color is. When I first saw it, I thought he was blond, but at the time, my desktop was in night mode, so naturally, colors will shift in accordance. Looking at it, I... still can't parse it out. In any given day, he looks like a redhead or a light brunette (auburn???) or strawberry blond, even. Can someone ask Thierry what his canonical hair color is or something, it's driving me nuts.

Also, I know Aephorul and Resh'an are from the same planet, but are they the same ethnicity? Aephorul's hair is white, but is that common in their world? Is this a sign that he's from another culture than Resh'an? For that matter, is there a class difference? Aephorul's attire looks significantly more casual than Resh'an's who look a bit more refined, but the latter also evokes the imagery of a wizen mage type and they always dress ornately. So this might just be what they wear with no commentary on their background (though wouldn't that be romantic? Aephorul, who wins the heart of someone whom society considered too out of his league?)

Look, man, I'm in that stage where I would love to make backstories and it isn't like I have not gone full on headcanon, but also, I wanna know more canon stuff about their lives, which probably won't happen until, like, Game #4, or something.

Until then, I'd like to take a crack at drawing their younger selves, but while Young Aephourl isn't hard to analyze, Young Resh'an's clothes is harder to pin down and I'm losing my mine over it. XD

[martinsharmony]

I have so many things to say about this I don't even know where to start.

Thinking about whether David & Michael have been intimate...it certainly does seem like a great trajedy if they haven't. I saw a Tumblr post one time that was basically just asking the universe to let these two actors who so clearly adore and cherish each other so much to let them have a passionate kiss onscreen (if that is all they can have) because it would be so right. So clearly what their souls both want and need.

Also @ingravinoveritas thanks for explaining your use of the #ineffable lovers tag. I had wondered why the choice of this tag instead of the (IMO) more clearly descriptive #Shennant or #Sheenant which I use on my own posts.

My thoughts on the poly dynamic are colored with my own experience. I've been in a poly relationship before that ended badly because 1 person (my partner's wife) didn't do what she was supposed to do which is communicate and manage her jealousy. It's a real trajedy because her husband and I had a real connection and now it's all gone. I don't talk to them anymore and I was friends with them both for 15 years prior.

This experience worries me about David, Michael, Georgia and Anna because it's so easy for something to go wrong. Being in a relationship with 1 person is hard enough. The more people you add makes it that much harder. Even if you really love someone, the strength of that love does not conquer all and sometimes is not enough. The fact that it seems that Anna may not be part of the dynamic or at the very least is maybe not 100% on board with it all is what worries me. Anna actually has a lot of power here.

This is the *only thing* that makes me think that maybe they are not actually intimately involved. The fact that they have been able to keep the poly dynamic going for so long with no apparant issues - or at least none that would cause a breakup. I really don't believe that if they had been intimate at one time and for some reason aren't now, that they would continue behaving the way they do.

The fact that it might be a legit open secret and they are both in the public eye further complicates the issue because the more people who know about it the more drama you invite into the mix and hence the more potential for trouble.

I know I would be devastated if I started detecting a chill between Michael and David. I know they are professionals but I do believe it's this *extra thing* that makes their on-screen relationship so amazing. (and obviously I would feel so bad for Michael and David themselves because I can imagine how painful that might be because I've lived it). I also of course selfishly wonder how this might impact the show.

The fact that there is most definitely not a chill between them says to me that either 1. They have found a symbiosis that is working for all of them and they are making it work which means they are doing poly right (kudos to them), or 2. They are not actually intimately involved right now but that leaves potential for the future. I do believe they both want to be intimate, if they are not already. That is abundantly clear. So the fact that they do behave the way they do points to two very hopeful scenarios.

I really hate to be a downer on this but it's something that I've had on my mind ever since I became aware of Michel and David potentially being an item. I'm quite happy in my delusions (and I seriously hope they are not really delusions) that they have managed to find a way to make it work.

Is there any consensus or speculation on whether D & M have been intimate? I've always gotten the sense that they have and their wives know about it. Having worked in the film industry for a decade, I have witnessed these open secrets first hand. And a little part of me hopes these 2 have 'connected' in a physical way.

Hi there! Well, you've very much come to the right place. Haha. My blog has pretty much been speculation galore for the past four years as to whether David and Michael have been intimate. My #ineffable lovers tag is probably the broadest in terms of my thoughts on Michael and David potentially being together (said tag originated from Michael calling David his lover in 2019, and I basically haven't been able to not think that they've hooked up ever since). For something more specific, you may want to check out my timeline of the polyamorous dynamic between Michael, David, and Georgia and how this has evolved over the past few years to strongly suggest that such an arrangement is, in fact, in place.

One tiny point of clarification, however, because you will notice that Anna is not included in the timeline post, and I keep seeing people make this assumption and it's slowly driving me crazy: Michael is not married. Anna is his girlfriend, but they are not married and never have been. So to your point of her knowing about it, I fully believe that is the case, but that the dynamic with her, Michael, and David is vastly different (and not nearly as amiable) as the one with Michael, David, and Georgia.

I am intrigued by your mention of working in the film industry, and of witnessing similar 'open secrets' in action. I have also strongly had the vibe of whatever is between Michael and David being an open secret, especially given how often they keep popping up on each other's television appearances and how mentioning one when the other isn't there seems to be a repeated and deliberate occurrence. So I would certainly be interested to hear any other insights you might have in this particular area, if you're at all inclined to share.

But to your last sentence...boy, am I with you there. Obviously, there are all kinds of relationships and dynamics and not everything has to necessarily be sexual, but there is such an incredible component of physical attraction to whatever is between Michael and David that it seems nearly impossible to think they wouldn't have connected in that way by now. There's also the fact that we know they have kissed on screen, but the evidence of their off-screen attraction is plentiful: Michael calling David's hips slinky (twice), talking about David's "sylph-like" chest, calling David the "thin dark Duke" and how he made the decision to touch his chest in a scene in GO 2, David putting his arm around Michael, David leaning/melting into Michael when Michael had his arm around David's waist...it just goes on and on.

So yes, I have speculated greatly about all of this for some time now, and it seems that recently a lot of other folks are starting to see that there is something special between Michael and David and asking questions of their own. Glad to have you here on my blog to keep the conversation going!

[nightshade-minho]

Free Rent 5- ‘Level Up’

Changlix + fem!reader

Warnings: nipple play, titfucking, light choking and slapping, double penetration, face fucking, overstimulation, orgasm denial

You sat on the bed, pouting as you watched Felix kill yet another character on the screen.

It was a quiet morning, and most of the boys had gone to their classes. You’d been taking absences for the past few days due to a sudden cold, but you’d recovered quickly thanks to how caring and sweet the boys were, and was almost ready to get back to normal life. You smiled as you remembered the soup Minho had made you with some help from Jisung, the little massages Hyunjin liked giving you, Chan making sure you took all your medicine correctly and Seungmin and Jeongin continuously checking up on how you were feeling, more than happy to bring you water, plushies and anything you needed.

Felix had volunteered to stay home and look after you. However here he was, his eyes trained on the video game he was playing rather than on you.

You whined as he kept jamming buttons, his tongue sticking out as he concentrated. Crawling over, you poked him in the back. He shrugged it off, a quick shake of his head telling you that you were not supposed to disturb him.

You sat back and sighed again. It wasn’t like you didn’t enjoy video games...you played a lot of those back when you were in high school. (You’d opted to leave your ps4 at home when college rolled around.)

However, the fact that Felix was focusing all his attention on something that wasn’t you was irritating.

For the last few days you’d been endlessly babied and taken care of, so saying that you were needy was an understatement. You’d gotten used to the constant attention.

Suddenly, a devilish idea bloomed in your mind. You hopped off the bed and left the room, an action which Felix didn’t even notice.

You went to your room, shuffling through some boxes in the closet and finding what you were looking for almost immediately- a big pink box with a white ribbon.

It was one of the first gifts that Chan had given you, along with the collar. You hadn’t thought of using it till now, but you felt like the situation called for it. Would Chan be mad if he found out that the first time you used his gift was with Felix and not him? Maybe. You shook your head, and opened it anyway.

The lingerie was white and angel-like...it was perfect for what you wanted to achieve. You quickly changed into it, looking in the mirror.

Even though you’d gotten better, you still looked a little tired. So you put some makeup on, hoping that you’d look more alive. Fluffing up your hair, you were finally satisfied.

With a grin, you made your way back to Felix’s room. When you opened the door, he looked up a little before his eyes went back to his videogame. Then his eyes shot back to you, widening as his brain finally processed what you were wearing. He pressed the pause button.

“What...what are you wearing?”

“Oh, just a little gift from Chan. You like?”

Felix swallowed. “Seriously? Why’d you change into that now?”

You wanted to smack your forehead. You sidled closer to Felix, a finger tracing a line down his arm. “You were focusing all your attention on the game and ignoring me.” You said with a pout, giving him puppy eyes. He chuckled darkly.

“So that’s it? You wanted some attention?”

“I...well, when you put it like that...”

He shook his head. “You’re a little bratty slut. Now that you have my attention, what do you want?”

“I was just...hoping to spend time with you, really.”

Felix raised an eyebrow.

“Fine! I want to be touched. Wanna feel good.” You mumbled, wringing your hands.

Felix rolled his eyes. “Tell you what. If you pass this level, I’ll think about giving what you want, okay angel?” He handed the controller to you, an evil glint in his eyes.

You almost wanted to laugh. That was super easy. You had years of experience when it came to video games, although you were a little rusty. That orgasm was as good as yours. You cracked your knuckles and took it from him, your eyes scanning the screen.

It was a combat-based rpg game, and you were pretty good at those. Right now, it was in the middle of a fight scene. The little video game character was fighting a huge mechanic dinosaur onscreen. It looked intimidating, but you were pretty sure it would be a piece of cake.

You unpaused the game, concentrating as hard as you could, trying different moves and landing a lot of damage on the robotic dinosaur. You were pretty confident, surprised at how well you were doing. But then, you felt Felix press himself to your side.

He put an arm around you, his fingers closing around your breast as his other hand ran up your thigh, slightly spreading your legs apart.

“W-Felix, no! I’m-“

You tried to focus on the screen in front of you, but Felix’s fingers had now migrated to your clit. You let out a moan as you closed your eyes for a moment, shooting them open when you heard a loud noise. Your character was really struggling on screen. Determined, you focused your attention back on the game, but it was clearly a losing battle. Felix pulled your right boob out of the bra, the cold air tightening your nipple. His other hand pulled your panties to the side, his fingers running over your glistening folds.

When he pushed his fingers in, you knew there was no point in trying anymore. You let go of the controller, whining as he pumped his fingers in and out of your pussy at a fast pace.

Felix suddenly ripped his digits out of your pussy. Fascinated, he held his fingers up to you, stretching them apart and showing you how wet you were, strings of your arousal clinging to his fingers.

“You lost, angel. Now what?”

You rolled your eyes, climbing on to Felix’s lap and grinding a little. His hand came to rest on your hip, but he looked angry.

“You’re very bold today.”

You smirked as you leaned in to kiss his neck, but you gasped as Felix’s fingers went around your throat, pulling you away so that you were facing him.

“You fucking brat. You don’t listen, do you? I bet you wouldn’t pull these stunts with any of the others.” He gritted his teeth, flipping you around so that you were now under him. He pulled your other breast out of the bra too, giving you kitten licks on your nipple. He sucked your little bud in his mouth, the lewd sounds making you wetter as he kept eye contact through it all, slobbering all over your boobs, messily sucking and biting, leaving pink bruises all over you.

“Mm...I love these tits.” He said, with your nipple between his teeth.

He sat back up, ridding himself of his sweatpants and then his boxers.

“You think I’ll go easy on you? No, baby. You’ve got me wrong, I’m afraid.”

He crawled back on the bed, watching as you stared up at him. “Now, imagine if you’d tried this with Minho...or god forbid, Chan. What would they do to you?”

You didn’t say anything, but he lightly slapped your cheek and raised an eyebrow.

“I...I’d get punished.” You squeaked out. A smile broke across his face. “That’s right.”

“Now, since I’m just a little better than them, I’ll let you choose your punishment. What would you like?”

His hand had gone to your covered pussy again, rubbing your clit persistently.

You stayed silent, not knowing how to respond. Your breath was getting shaky.

“Nothing to say? Alright, I’ll take matters into my own hands, then.”

His hand drew back, and you whined at the loss of contact. “Please, Felix, touch me!”

He grinned. “I don’t know if you deserve to cum. I know I’d like to, though.”

He took his cock in his hand, pumping it a few times as he pressed it to your covered pussy. He moved aside your underwear and nudged the head of his cock between your folds, staying in that position for a few moments. His eyes found yours, daring you to complain.

He hummed, crawling over you until he had both knees on either side of your torso.

He unhooked your bra, throwing it off the bed before his finger started playing with one of your nipples.

“When you first came in here, I immediately noticed how cute your boobs are. I mean sure, your face is adorable too, but these?”

He pinched your nipple for emphasis. “These are heavenly.”

Felix put his finger in his mouth to wet it, going back to playing with your bud as he winked. “I could tell you weren’t wearing a bra under that sweater. Could clearly see your pretty little nipples poking through it. Drove me crazy.”

His hand went back to stroking his cock as he laid it between your boobs. Then, pushing them together, he slid his cock in and out of your cleavage, letting out a broken moan as he did so.

His thumbs stroked your nipple as he held them together. He felt himself grow harder at the visual of the tip of his cock poking out from between your cleavage each time he thrusted.

“F...Felix...”

He cocked his head to the side. “Mm? What is it, slut?”

You pressed your thighs together at an attempt to relieve the ache in your pussy. You wanted to be touched so badly. However, you knew that if you disobeyed him, he’d be angry and wouldn’t let you cum at all. No, you needed to be obedient, and please him.

So each time his cock thrusted up, you poked your tongue out, licking his dick. He moaned louder, eyes widening.

“What a good girl! Hmm, maybe you deserve an orgasm after all.”

You perked up at that, and he chuckled. “I haven’t confirmed it yet. I’m still thinking about it, so you better keep being obedient.”

He shakily groaned, bucking faster as he chased his high. In a few more thrusts, he pulled out, stroking his length as he came all over your chest.

“Mm. So pretty like this.” His finger rubbing his cum into your nipple.

He moved off you, and you could breathe better as you sat up, gazing up at him hopefully. “Hmm...I’m still thinking about giving you what you want. Regardless...I know you have a box of sex toys. Why don’t you run upstairs and get it for me? I’d like to try some of them out on you.”

You paused for a moment.

“Go on.”

Sighing you got up, leaving the room and making your way to the staircase. However, you were completely parched. Needing a glass of water, you decided to make your way to the kitchen.

When you opened the door, you hadn’t expected to see Changbin in front of the fridge, a peach soda in his hands. He turned around slowly, jaw dropping as he saw you standing there in your panties, your breasts dripping cum.

You spoke before he could. “I thought you had a class?”

He took a sip from the bottle in his hand before setting it down on the counter.

“I did.”

He didn’t say anything else, coming over to you and looking you in the eye with an eyebrow raised.

“Aren’t you supposed to be sick? Why are you walking around the house naked, pray tell?”

You tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. “Uh, I’m feeling better now.”

“I’ll say. That’s Felix’s?” He pointed to your chest, and you nodded sheepishly.

“Hmm. Well, I’ll let you get back to what you were doing. Go.”

You hesitated.

Changbin frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“I...he isn’t letting me cum. Would you help me out, please.”

He paused for a moment, before chuckling darkly as he looked away from you. “Well, you obviously did something to deserve that. Now go, get your punishment.”

You stayed put, looking at him imploringly as you bit your lip, trying to look as cute and innocent as possible. Which was difficult, considering the fact that you were almost naked.

Changbin sighed as he stepped closer. He put his hands on the back of your thighs, carrying you and placing you on the counter.

He spread your legs apart, looking you in the eyes as he pulled your underwear down, placing it on the counter beside you as his eyes took in your glistening cunt.

“Wow. You weren’t lying when you said that he wasn’t letting you cum.”

You whimpered, throwing your hands around his neck. “Please Binnie, I want to cum so badly. Would you touch me?”

A dark look passed over his features. “We’ve all been taking care of you over the past few days since you were sick. That doesn’t give you the right to be a brat though, y/n.”

“Binnie.” He scoffed. His fingers poked at your clit and you let out a squeal.

“Hmm...you really need to be put in your place. I think Felix might need some help to execute the required punishment.”

You were secretly delighted with how things were playing out. Changbin liked overstimulating you, and at this point, you would even take that over not having an orgasm at all. Changbin threw you over his shoulder, spanking your ass as he took you back to Felix’s room.

Felix looked up, frowning when he saw Changbin.

“What’re you doing here, hyung?”

He set you down on the bed, stepping back to undress as he replied. “Just helping you out, don’t worry.”

Felix shrugged, turning his attention back to you. “Where’s the box?” You shook your head and he laughed. “It’s alright, I can see you got sidetracked. However at this point, I don’t think we need toys anyway.”

He pulled you up and put you on his lap, your back facing him. Turning your head to the side, he pressed his lips to yours, moaning as the two of you made out feverishly, your hands gripping his thighs.

Changbin, finally naked, climbed onto the bed and looked over you, a menacing look in his eyes. He held his length in his hands, languidly stroking as he looked you over. You were sitting on Felix in such a way that his dick was rubbing up against your clit, peeking out from between your thighs.

Felix’s grip on you was firm, preventing you from grinding your clit onto his erection. He kissed your shoulder as Changbin moved forward, pressing the head of his cock between your lips, sliding in as you choked with the suddenness of it all, your nails digging into Felix’s thighs.

Changbin was always rough with his face fucking. He liked it best when you were a drooling mess, tears rolling out of your eyes as he slammed into your throat over and over again. He didn’t let you breathe, going faster as Felix thrusted up slightly, his length rubbing against your vulva and causing you to whimper around Changbin’s cock.

Felix held your right boob, stroking your nipple as Changbin groped your left one, still pumping his cock into your mouth. Felix pinched your bud hard until you cried out, the sensitivity making you feel dizzy.

He proceeded to slowly stroke around it again, his mouth now sucking on the sweet spot on your neck.

Changbin finally pulled out of your mouth, his eyes travelling to your pussy.

“Felix, put it in.”

Felix looked up at him for a second, wondering if he should exert his dominance, but he didn’t care. At this point, he was aching to be inside your pussy.

Felix lifted you up slightly, moving you forward and lining your slit with his cock. He pulled you down onto him, stuffing your pussy full.

Changbin grinned. “Now, this is probably gonna be a tight fit, but if Minho and Chan can stuff both their cocks into this tiny hole, I bet we can too.”

He looked down at you, pressing a kiss to your cheek before pressing his manhood against your clit, rubbing it a few times before shoving his cock in beside Felix’s. You screamed loudly, nails gripping Felix so hard that you were pretty sure he’d be bleeding a little by the time this was over. Felix’s hand snaked around your throat as Changbin finally got his entire length inside you. You panted heavily as you adjusted.

The two of them began moving after a while, once your breathing returned to normal. They fucked your pussy relentlessly, their hands wandering all over your body as you whimpered incessantly, so wet that the boys’ thighs were soaked with your arousal.

“Look how wet you are...fuck, you’re enjoying this a lot, aren’t you? Little cockslut.”

The two of them went slower for all of five seconds before they were slamming into you again. You started garbling incoherently as you felt your orgasm wash over you too quickly, setting all your nerves on your fire as you moaned shrilly.

The two of them didn’t let up on your sensitive pussy, rubbing against your g-spot and overstimulating you. You wanted to push them away, but you couldn’t deny that the pain felt so fucking good. You relaxed, lying like a rag doll as they pounded into you, their thrusts getting sloppier as they neared their highs.

Felix came first, spurting his cum up your pussy. The sensation caused Changbin to shudder, finally releasing his load as well, painting your walls white as he collapsed on top of you, panting.

He got off you after a minute, pulling out slowly. Felix slowly lifted you up, flipping you around on the bed and pulling out of you as well. The two men groaned as they watched their cum streaming out of you endlessly, pooling onto the sheets in a small puddle. Changbin got up and searched for his clothes that were strewn all over the room as Felix used his finger to rub his juices all over your vulva. A finger slipped past your entrance. He pumped a few times, marveling at the squelching, pornographic sounds your cum-stuffed pussy was producing.

Changbin sat on the edge of the bed, now fully clothed.

“Do you think we should have just let her rest? She was sick, after all.”

Felix scoffed. “Really, hyung? You’re usually the one who doesn’t go easy on people. Y/n was bratting it up, she asked for it.”

You were feeling too exhausted to reply, but you sat up on your elbows, making eye contact with Changbin.

“It’s alright...I’m fine! Any ounce of sickness is completely gone.”

Changbin pressed a palm to your forehead, nodding in satisfaction when he felt that your temperature was normal enough.

“I still have a feeling that Chan would kill us if he found out we fucked her right after she recovered.”

Felix pursed his lips. “We have a safe word for a reason, don’t we?” You nodded in agreement as Felix got off the bed to go to your room, presumably to get some clothes for you.

“Better to be safe than sorry.” Changbin pulled the duvet over your curled up body, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead as he looked at you affectionately. Felix soon returned, with clean underwear and an oversized sweater that definitely wasn’t yours. He handed them to you, before finding his underwear on the floor.

He got under the covers with you as Changbin contemplated for a second before deciding to settle in beside you as well.

Felix spooned you, his hand holding your boob and squishing it from time to time, giggling against your neck.

“Hey, these aren’t stress toys, you know?” You said, smiling. Felix pressed a soft kiss to your neck as his hands went back around your waist.

“They sure do relieve a lot of stress for me, though.” You giggled as you looked back at Changbin, who pinched your cheek.

“Go to sleep, y/n. Good night.”

“You mean afternoon, dummy.”

“Whatever.” He mumbled, a smile peeking out. You rested your head on his chest and felt your eyes droop with drowsiness as Felix stroked your hair.

As you drifted off to sleep, you heard the faint sounds of the front door opening, and then footsteps.

“WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE PANTIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER!?”

[zoe-oneesama]

non scarlet lady question, how would you had written kagami and luka entering the show? What would you have them interact with the plot or how would they affect stuff?

This is gonna be long because I have a lot to say on both sides of this, so strap in.

Kagami:

Kagami’s intro episode was perfect (for HER) - she came in quick, every bit of screen time was dedicated to establishing her character, relationship with her mother, values, and personality. With one episode we knew who Kagami was: competitive, confident (almost cocky), an extreme fear/rejection of failing, perceptive. And a softeness was established with the way she was still willing to listen to Adrien at the end of the episode, completing her mini-arc about dealing with losing in the episode. 

On the romance side, while it was interesting (and I submit even necessary) to establish that Adrien is capable of looking at other girls through a romantic lens (or at least through a “Wow she’s pretty” lens), it ended up hurting the love square because while Kagami was able to capture Adrien’s attention immediately, nothing has made Adrien look at Marinette romantically no matter how subtle or not subtle she’s been. So for it’s intended purpose of bringing in a rival for the love square, Kagami’s episode failed. I mean, c’mon, does Marinette really need more opposition for Adrien?

My fix for this is that Adrien does react the same to Kagami - wow she’s pretty - but it makes him confront whether it’s okay to feel that way about other people when he loves Ladybug. He’d come to the conclusion that there’s no harm in looking at other people because he’s not in a relationship with Ladybug, so he looks at girls close to him differently. And I mean all of them, not just Marinette. He can still look at Kagami that way - she is on his fencing team and all - but it also makes him look at other girls like Chloe and Lila that are coming onto him strong and recognizing that fact (I mean tell me you didn’t groan in Onichan when Adrien insisted that none of these girls were into him) AND IT MAKES HIM LOOK AT MARINETTE. If we’re supposed to be invested in this couple, something has to give on all sides of the square.

Otherwise, the big fix for Kagami is just being consistent. She has 3 personalities and only one of them is any good. Obviously because Riposte was such a good episode for her character, that’s the personality I’d go with, especially because it’s the only one that at least justifies giving Marinette aNOTHER rival that’s interested in Adrien - because Riposte Kagami is NOT a bad person. So far the only real rivals Marinette has had are shrews that are only interested in Adrien as a trophy boyfriend. If Kagami is going to be into Adrien (and not say, Chat Noir) she needs to bring something new to the table by making Marinette confront a rival that she can’t convince herself that Adrien deserves better. They tried to do this, which is obvious because even when Marinette is “bad mouthing” Kagami she’s going on about how cool and amazing she is, but I know I wouldn’t be rooting for Adrien to end up with the Kagami in Animaestro that rubs being Adrien’s date in other people’s faces or the Kagami in Onichan who goes into a blind rage over a picture of a random girl kissing Adrien on the cheek. They need Kagami to be a good option and to be consistently a good option.

The alternative fix is to keep Kagami on her weird up and down hyperfixated/possessive personality but have her interested in Chat Noir. I’ve discussed before how this is the whole point of having rivals - to challenge the existing status quo and make a character rethink their feelings. By having someone interested in Chat - and potentially date Chat - Ladybug has to deal with whether she’s okay with that or not (and if the writers were worth their salary the answer would be “not”). However I’m not super into this fix because even without rivals, Ladybug has already had to rethink her feelings for Chat. It just seems…superfluous at this point. Maybe back when Kagami was being introduced, but now? Meh.

Luka:

Oh Luka, your episode was so low impact and all because you’re entirely entwined in Marinette and the writers just don’t give a fuck about her, and by extension, you. His intro episode was bogged down by Agreste Angst which he could never hope to compete with. It’s really telling that the introduction to Luka wasn’t his own akuma and wasn’t even devoted to him and his character like Kagami’s was. The writers are so married to the idea that nothing will ever shake Marinette’s love for Adrien that they approach people having crushes on her with absolutely zero ceremony. I guess it was too much to hope that because this one was going to stick around that they might care about him.

What did this episode do for setting up Luka’s character? A lot of things are vague or lack depth. Luka meditates. Why? Does he have sensory issues? Is it a warm up before performing? Does he have problems dealing with emotional outbursts? Does he just think it’s cool? Luka is into guitar and Jagged Stone. Does he want to pursue that professionally? Is it for fun? Why is his band made up of his sister’s friends and not his own? Does that make it Juleka’s pet project and not his? There’s just so many questions where there weren’t any with Kagami. 

That’s not entirely bad - they could flesh out these things in later episodes. Except this is Marinette’s love interest so he doesn’t get other episodes. Aside from his akuma episode, he’s nearly background dressing when he’s granted the honor of showing up and he’s nearly always doing what he’s always doing - playing guitar and doling out advice. When Luka’s onscreen it’s almost always for someone else. And it was only until very recently that that someone else wasn’t Marinette.

So how to fix Luka’s intro episode. I’d like it to be focused on Luka, and even to an extent Juleka, and their relationship with their mom. To do this we need to establish in earlier episodes about the chaotic nature of Juleka’s homelife, some offhand remarks about their boat being so messy or Rose asking where Juleka’s house is parked this week. Start setting up that Juleka’s home is unconventional and a bit insane and also start setting up how Juleka feels about it (does she think it’s rad as hell or does she yearn for some normalcy). This helps us not have to devote time to setting up Juleka’s House AND Juleka’s Mom AND Juleka’s Brother in the same episode and instead we can focus on the dyamic between the three Couffaines. 

This is where we have Juleka and Luka’s relationship established, and Juleka and Anarka’s relationship, and Luka and Anarka’s relationship. Maybe have a big three way fight - maybe Juleka’s trying to show off the cool side of her weird living situation but Anarka’s not putting on the best of impressions by being extra messy and arguing with police and maybe Luka pipes in that this is why he’s too embarrassed to bring his own friends over and Juleka is stuck between trying to defend her mom but she’s also pretty embarrassed by her mom in this moment at least and Anarka’s extreme personality can’t take insubordination so she goes off to sulk (and gets akumatized).

Then between the fight and everyone storming off, Marinette is the one trying to mediate and by virtue of being kind AND a third party is the only one the siblings are willing to be fully open with - Juleka admits that she does think her mom is super cool and her house is super cool but she sometimes can’t help but wish things were toned down so that she felt more secure (and that her mom might not go to jail at any minute). Luke admits his mom doesn’t really embarrass him but it’s tiring when people talk badly about his family and he wishes she could be more responsible to set a better example for Juleka.

And obviously save a little MORE time for Luka’s side of things since we haven’t had seasons worth of him dropping hints about his home life, and ALSO for the romance part. Marinette’s patience warms Luka up to him, because “if I had more friends willing to listen, like you, I don’t think I’d worry what people thought so much”. Or something. Luka being vulnerable with Marinette is what attracts her to him and her willingness to listen and not judge him is what attracts him to her. 

The akuma can go pretty much the same, with Marinette impressing Luka with her Ladybug-ness peaking through. Just include some more concern between the siblings - even when they fight they still love each other. At the resolution, we have the Couffaines coming together, apologizing for letting their emotions cloud their real feelings and being honest with each other. “Mom, I love living on a boat and going where ever we want, but maybe when my friends are over could you try NOT getting arrested?” “Aye aye, I see yer point, I suppose it wouldn’t be a total breach of liberty to at least hear authority out.”

Good…start Anarka?

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY when Adrien does show up, Luka is being sweet on Marinette, to the point where she nearly doesn’t notice his arrival. Adrien takes note of the lack of attention from Marinette and is bothered by it, even though he doesn’t know why or automatically equate it to her talking to another guy. 

THE WHOLE POINT of rivals is to change up the status quo. Adrien needs to be effected by Luka, he needs to feel like he’s losing out on something or needs to see Marinette as a romantic potential, if only by virtue of someone else taking notice in her and KEEPING notice in her I’m totally not bitter about how many guys who crush on Marinette just stop after one episode. 

Thanks for reading my essay, those are my fixes. Kagami needs to narrow down on which personality she wants, Adrien needs to wake the fuck up and see Marinette as a potential date, Luka needs attention from the writers. And I need a strong drink because it’ll probably be the Series Finale before any one of these things come to pass.

[bluezey]

Inside Onward - Magic Gift

Third part of the Inside Out/Onward crossover.  I must warn you, this ended up longer than I thought.  I blame Ian’s emotions, they wouldn’t stop arguing in this one!  But, I do like how I incorporated magic into the mind of one who’s magically gifted, so there’s that.  Also, we’re finally on the quest!

No promises on either, but I’ll try to hammer out the next chapter this weekend, and I’ll try not to make it too long.

“What do you mean it’s from dad?” Barley asked, following Ian upstairs.

“I dunno,” Ian replied. “Mom said it was for both of us.”

Laurel just returned from the attic, in her possession was a large, long object wrapped in brown fabric. In confusion and curiosity, Ian and Barely took one side of the long awaiting present and carried it into Ian’s room.  “Dad said to wait and give this to you when you both turned sixteen,” Laurel explained, also curious, but also excited with anticipation.  “I have no idea what it is.”

Joy was bouncing on his heels in excitement.  “Ooh, I love surprises.  What do you think it is?” he asked the other emotions at the console.

“What makes you think we know?” Anger replied.

“I’m just as lost as you are,” Disgust shrugged.

Fear was just as affixed to the screen as the emotions watched Ian and Barley gently place the present on Ian’s bed.  Ian pulled the string, untying the present, loosening what was inside.  As the fabric quietly unfurled, it unveiled the top of a wooden staff, complete with three prongs twisting around themselves.

The emotions were just as puzzled as Ian was.  Acting like he knew exactly what it was, Barley pushed Ian out of the way as he picked up the wooden staff.  “It’s a wizard’s staff,” Barley said in awe, followed by excitement.  “Dad was a wizard!”

“What?” Ian exclaimed in shock.

“What??” his emotions echoed, just as lost.

Laurel stepped in, clearing things up with Barley.  “Your dad was an accountant.  Sure, he got into some weird things when he got sick…”

“Hey, look.”  Sadness pointed to a small, aged letter tucked into the fabric.  Believing it could have answers, Fear input the commands into the console.

“It’s a note.”  Ian took the note and began reading it aloud. “Dear Ian and Barley.  Long ago, the world was full of wonder.  It was adventurous, exciting, and best of all, there was magic.  And that magic helped all those in need.  But, it wasn’t easy to master, so others found a different way to get by.  And over time, magic faded away.  But, I hope there’s a little magic left in you.  I wrote this spell to see for myself just who my sons grew up to be.”

Headquarters was silent for a brief moment before Disgust broke the mood.  “Magic?  I thought that was just made up garbage in Barley’s stupid games.”

But more questions were answered when Ian found another note.  “Visitation spell.”

“Magic is real?” Sadness asked.

“No no no no,” Fear tried to convince himself more than the others.  “It’s just make believe, like the tooth sprite, or the Solstice troll.”

Joy didn’t need convincing, as he was glowing with enough happiness to light Headquarters for days.

Barley took the spell parchment and glanced over it for a second before his face lit up.  “Says here, with this spell, we can bring dad back. For one whole day, dad will be back!”

“Back to life?” Ian took the note back and read it over, seeing if this was misread, or just too unbelievable to be true.  “That’s not possible!”

“It is with this,” Barley declared, holding the staff in hand.

“No!”  Anger barked.  “It’s just impossible!”

The emotions immediately turned when they felt that warm glow from an island behind him.  They saw Dad Island light up as they heard Ian’s voice echo with wonder, “I’m going to meet dad?”

Disgust waved his hands, frowning in disbelief.  “Okay guys, seriously?  Who believes this junk?”

“Why would dad lie to us?” Sadness asked quietly.

“Who would believe magic is going to bring back a dead guy?” Anger argued.

“Guys!”  Joy pointed to the island off in the near distance. “Ian clearly wants to give this a chance.”

“Because he’s desperate. We all are, Joy,” Disgust explained. “But magic isn’t going to work because it’s not real.”

“And if it doesn’t work, then nothing happens, but if it does…” Joy’s smile was beginning to fade as he realized he wasn’t winning over Disgust or Anger.  Even Sadness was beginning to waver back into hopelessness. “Uh, Fear.  You believe this could work, right?”

Fear simply stepped back before shrugging, lost in the confusion of all this chaos.  One minute Ian was stitching up a sweater after his catastrophe of a birthday, and now there’s talk of magic and raising the dead??

“A spell this advanced would need an assist element,” Barley explained.  “For that, dad would have had to find a- Phoenix gem!” he interrupted himself triumphantly as he pulled a glowing orange gem out of the cloth.

“Something’s happening!” Fear pointed to the screen, and the emotions went back to the console.

“Wait a minute, is this dangerous?” Laurel asked.

Fear froze in place. “Da- da- da- did she just say-?”

“We’re about to find out,” Barley declared, firmly placing the Phoenix gem within the nest of twisted wooden prongs at the end of the staff.

Fear gulped, wide eyed, hands under his arms.

Barley slowly stepped back, gradually gripping the staff as if he was savoring this very moment.  He suddenly drew his hand back with a yelp of pain.

Fear screamed, the other emotions reacted with shock and worry.

“What?” Laurel asked in fear.

Barley replied sheepishly, “Splinter.”

“Oh come on!” Anger spat.

“Seriously?” Disgust declared exasperated.  “Is he serious?  Are you serious?”

Even Joy wasn’t so amused with Barley this time, while Fear tried to keep from fainting in relief.

Barley quickly glanced over the spell on the parchment before confidently holding the staff in the air.  Ian and Laurel waited in anticipation, while the emotions leaned forward, wondering what was going to happen next.

“Only once is all we get, grant me this rebirth,” Barley recited.  “Until tomorrow’s sun as set, one day to walk the earth!”

And…. Nothing.

The emotions blinked, confusing gradually washing over them, before they saw Barley try again.

“Only once is all we get, grant me this rebirth.  Until tomorrow’s sun has set, one day to walk the earth.”

Nothing.

Barley tried again… and again, and again, and again….

One by one, the emotions left the console.  First Anger, reading over a mind manual.  Then Disgust, who’d rather check on his hair and give it a quick touch up with his comb. Then Sadness, who sadly flopped face down on the couch in defeat.  Then Joy, who was playing with a kaleidoscope.  All that was left at the console was Fear, who was staring at the screen, losing his hope as he watched Ian hopelessly sit on his bed, softly petting the resting dragon Blazey.

Laurel finally, softly, spoke up.  “Barley…”

That’s all Barley needed to hear to finally give up.  He lowered the staff against Ian’s desk, then sat down on the bed.

Laurel glanced at both her boys, feeling their sorrow.  She then picked up the letter and explained, “Your dad fought so badly to see you boys, that he tried anything.  That’s something, right?”

Sadness approached the console and rested a hand on a button. “Yeah,” Ian replied, faking a smile.

Laurel was about to say something to Barley, but he was already leaving the bedroom quietly.  She turned back to Ian, trying to muster a smile. “Hey, you want to come with me to pick up your cake?”

“No, that’s okay,” Ian replied, faking a smile back.  “Thanks, mom.”

Laurel gave Ian a soft kiss on his cheek before he left him alone in his room.

Resigning in defeat, Fear turned and walked to the back of Headquarters.  He placed his hands on the window as he looked over at Dad Island, sighing to himself, his nerve hanging so low against his back it was almost uncurled. Of course, just what they needed to top the worst sixteenth birthday ever:  false hope.

Ian was left alone, sitting at his desk.  About twenty minutes passed, but they felt so long and empty.  He didn’t even bother to lift his head, just looking down at the two pieces of parchment with dad’s handwriting on them.

Sadness turned his head, then sat up, then stood up.  He squinted his eyes, trying to get a good look at dad’s handwriting.  It’s so neat, yet so fancy, and so faded over time. Feeling called to the console, Sadness crept up to the controls.  He placed a hand on a small lever, looked up at the letter onscreen, and gently pushed the lever forward.

With a sigh, Ian lazily and sorrowfully picked up a paper and read.  “Only once is all we get… grant me this rebirth…”

Fear took a double take as he heard Ian’s words.  “Sadness!” Fear bolted towards the console, the other emotions right behind him. “What are you doing?”

Sadness tried to keep his balance as Fear pushed him away from the console.  “I’m sorry,” he whimpered, placing his hands under his arms. “Ian was just so sad, and I was reading dad’s writings, and-“

“Look!” Joy gasped, pointing just at the edge of Ian’s line of sight.

Ian glanced over at the staff leaning against his desk.  Nestled atop amongst the three branching prongs, the Phoenix gem glowed, and began to shake with life.  Ian nearly knocked over his desk chair as he jumped back in shock.

Fear let go of the console as he stared up at the gem, mouth agape, letting his hands drop to his sides.

“Am I seeing this?” Disgust told Anger and Sadness.  “I can’t be seeing this.  We’re seeing this, right?”

“It’s working,” Joy whispered in awe, approaching the console and activating a few buttons and switches.

Ian continued, “Until tomorrow’s sun has set…”

Joy was suddenly pulled away from the console by Fear.  “Joy!” Fear gave a double take as he watched the whole console begin to glow.  Not just the controls, not just the base.  The whole thing.  And not just the normal five colors that specified each prominent emotion.  A bright, ominous aura of white.

The wild thrashing of the Phoenix gem caused the staff to roll, falling off the table.  Acting fast, Fear reached the console, making Ian reach for the staff, catching it before it hit the ground.  As Ian lifted the staff, his eyes were wide in wonder as he saw the carvings on the wizard’s staff wooden body light up in a magic blue light.

Expanding from the console, a bright aura of white coated the headquarters from floor to ceiling, expanding over objects, even the emotions.  Joy shivered with delight as if she was being tickled when the aura enveloped her.  Disgust and Sadness ran to the windows as they watched the aura extend into the mind world, coating every last inch of the landscape and anything within in the cooling, bright, magical glow.  Though far away, they could barely make out the mind workers reacting in shock and confusion.

“Shantar’s Talon!” Anger exclaimed.  “This junk is real??”

“Guys, what do we do?” Disgust asked, out of ideas due to the confusion of this new power overcoming Ian’s mind world.

Fear was trembling, lost in his daze of fright, worry and fear.  He felt a hand on his shoulder break him out of his trance, then slowly turned to Joy, giving him a nod and a smile.  Fear closed his eyes, grit his teeth, prayed that he wasn’t making a big mistake, and pushed two big levers forward.

“One day to walk the earth!” Ian finished reciting the spell.

Ian gripped both hands on the wizard staff as the magic whipped wildly around the room, catching any little object in the cyclone of power, with Ian in the dead center.

Fear pulled back on the big levers, holding on for dear life so Ian could keep holding on.  Around them, the sparkling shine of the magic flew around them in a whirlwind of power.  The emotions could feel the ground below them trembling as Headquarters seemed to quake.

“This is madness!” Anger shouted.

“This is amazing!” Joy shouted.

“Everyone!” Fear ordered. “Just focus on Ian!  We need to keep him safe!”

Just then, the bedroom door creaked open.  “Hey, what are you doing in here- Holy Tooth of Zadar!” Barley exclaimed as he saw the chaos.

“You?  Now?  Why?” Disgust snapped at Barley.

“Focus!” Fear shouted at Disgust.  “Ian needs us!”

A sharp stream of lightning shot from the Phoenix gem and onto the ground.  Sparks of magic swirled around the ground before finally revealing feet inside a pair of striped purple socks inside a pair of loafers.

“It’s the socks!” Joy cheered.  “It’s the hideous purple socks!”

“Joy, not now!” Fear snapped.

The magic rose, the aura forming into legs clothed in beige slacks.  As it passed the belt, the magic began to struggle.  Suddenly, the magic glow grew a darker, bolder gold, the Phoenix gem rose from the staff as the magic became more violent, more powerful. Overpowering him, Ian felt his body being pushed back.  He planted the staff base first on the ground and forced his body upright, despite how the rug was failing him from standing his ground.

Seeing Fear struggle, Joy grabbed Fear by the waist and pulled back.  “Guys, it’s too strong!” Fear choked out from his gritted teeth. The other emotions were going to help, but stopped when they heard that familiar, annoying voice.

“Wait!” Barley called out, running up towards Ian.  “I can help!”

“No!!” the emotions shouted as Fear let go of the levers and slammed his hand on a button.

“Barley!  No!” Ian shouted, pulling the wizard staff away from Barley.

Crack!

An overpowering bright white light shot from the console, throwing the emotions back.

………

Fear’s head was in a daze, he felt sore all over.  He felt like he had to will his eyes open.  When he did, all he could see was white.  He tried to sit up, pushing through the pain with a groan.  He could barely see his hands planted on the ground through the pristine white… mist?  Smoke?  Fog?

“Joy?” he called out into the vapors.  He tried to stand up, but between his sore body and lacking balance, he fell back onto his knees.  “Sadness?” Fear tried crawling, immediately bumping his head into a pane of glass.  He looked up to see the fog had dissipated enough so he could make out a cluster of cracks on the window, shaped like his silhouette, if he was thrown back, upside down, splayed out and terrified.  That explains the aches and disorientation.  Trying again to will his bearing back, Fear stood up again, wobbling a bit like his legs were made of jelly.  He took one slow, cautious step, holding his hands out into the smoky void. “Anger?”

Out of the fog, a thick red hand shot towards Fear.  He gripped tight around Fear’s slender neck and shook violently.  “Don’t touch me!!” an irate voice roared, while the fog cleared to reveal a growling red Anger.

Fear finally struggled free from Anger’s grasp, taking a big breath of precious air.  “Hello, Anger,” he gagged.

“Where is everybody?” Disgust’s voice called out from the fog.

“Oh no,” Sadness sighed. “We’re blind.”

“Found it!” Joy exclaimed. “Found the console!  Everybody, just follow my glow!”

Fear squinted his eyes to make out a yellow aura filtering through the haze.  He carefully crept forward, thankfully the fog fading with every step.  The light took the form of Joy, before becoming Joy waving his hands to get everyone’s attention.

“That’s right, just focus on me,” Joy encouraged.  “You��re doing great.  Let’s see, one, two, three, four,” Joy counted as the emotions emerged from the smoke. “And, we’re back.”

Now that they were all together, the emotions glanced at each other with confused, uncertain looks on their faces.  “What was that?” Fear finally spoke up.  “What just happened?  And… Ian!” Fear pushed Joy out of the way as he looked up at the screen.  There was smoke in the bedroom too, and he could make out that Ian was on the floor, coughing. “No no no no no, Ian.  Quick, someone check if he’s hurt!  Is his airway obstructed?”

Joy looked over the vitals. “Ian’s a bit shaken, but he’s fine.” The sight onscreen shifted as Ian got up onto his feet.  For a brief moment, Barley was visible onscreen, helping his brother up.  “Oh, he’s such a nice brother,” Joy smiled.

“No, this is terrible,” Disgust gasped, holding up his hand to his gaping mouth.

Sadness sighed as he agreed with Disgust, “It didn’t work.”

“Not that!  Ian’s room is a mess!” Disgust threw both hands out to exaggerate the mess of clothes, books and knick knacks strewn around the room. “This is going to take hours to organize.”

Fear suddenly tensed up. “What was that?”

The emotions were silent, staring at Fear awkwardly.  Some of them looked concerned, others skeptical.

“That noise?  What was that noise?”  Feeling his self conscious doubts rising up his spine, Fear squealed with fright, “Please tell me I’m not the only one who heard that!”

All five emotions tensed up this time, they all heard that thunk.

Ian and Barley glanced over at Ian’s closet.  The gaping alcove looked almost barren now, say for a pile of clothes balled up in a corner.  They gazed curiously as the pile moved, like there was something underneath.  It was confirmed someone, when a brown loafer brushed its way out, followed by a khaki covered leg.

“Tell me I’m not the only one imagining this, guys,” Disgust commented, wide eyed.

Joy happily hugged Fear to his side.  “Look, it’s the socks!” Joy pointed out with great joy.

Ian and Barley watched as the entire pile stood up, Ian’s emotions anticipating the very second that was to come next.

The pile flumped backwards, revealing nothing but a pair of slacks standing on their own.

“Ahh!!” Ian and Barley shouted in surprise.

The emotions echoed the same response, followed by Fear’s body going limp as his eyes began to roll into the back of his head.  “Not now, not now,” Joy told him, calmly, cheerfully, holding Fear up by the collar. “Stay with me, Fear.  Ian needs us.”

Fear was nothing but a mumble of random words as his faint body flopped forward onto the console.

“There’s supposed to be a top part!” Barley whispered in utter confusion and fright.  “I remember dad having a top part!”

Ian’s knees nearly buckled as his mind felt like it was at a loss of this whole situation.  “Oh, what did I do?  This is horrible!”

The longest brief pause passed before the legs finally moved, the pants beginning to slowly walk forward.  Every other step was cautious, feeling around for ground.  The pants eventually stopped, by coincidence right in front of dad.

Fear was finally standing onto his knees, draping one arm over the console while his other hand rubbed the faintness out of his eye.  Once he was back into consciousness, he glanced around at the other emotions, frozen, unsure. “What are we supposed to do?” Anger whispered aloud.

Joy decided to break the uneasiness, he approached the console, inputing a few keys next to Fear’s arm.  “Wait, what?” he asked, before turning his sight towards the screen.

Slowly, Ian knelt down, stretching out a hand.  He could get a good look at the waistline, and saw where the belt ends there was nothing but a blue aura of magic.  He placed his hand over top, feeling nothing but the occasional coolness emanating from the glow.

“Woah,” Joy was in awe.

Ian immediately stepped back as the pants moved again, this time walking a different direction, away from the boys.

“It’s really him,” Barley muttered to himself before attempting to call out, “Dad, we are in your house!”  No response, or whatever response could you get from pants?  Hm, response… Barley knelt down and carefully approached the feet. He tapped his hand softly on a loafer, the leg fidgeted in response.

“What are you doing?” Ian asked.

Barley drummed softly on the foot, like he used to do on his dad’s feet when he was a kid.  The pants stepped back, then a brief pause, then responds with two taps on the floor.

The emotions softly gasped, echoing Ian’s reaction.

Cautiously, the legs moved forward, one foot feeling around until it brushed up against Barley’s foot. Once it found the top of Barley’s shoe, he gave a similar soft drum cadence.  Barley smiled, the few memories he had flooding back into his mind at once. “Yeah, dad,” he said softly, tapping his foot in return.  “It’s me.”

The feet took a step back, then began to feel around on the floor again.  Lost in its blind search, the sentient pair of pants found its way back to Ian.  While it was just near, the foot felt around until it brushed up against Ian’s foot. As if realizing what it may be touching, the foot pushed down just a bit, in an attempt to be a loving kind of touch.

“Yeah, dad,” Barley whispered.  “That’s Ian.”

Ian was still as the moment overcame him.  His first moment with his dad.  “Hi… dad.” He hesitated at first, but then placed his hand on the top of the foot.

The emotions were in a silent awe, as behind them they could hear Dad Island being the liveliest it’s ever been.  “No way,” Joy whispered.

Dad stepped back, stumbling for a moment as he tripped on a pen, before getting his bearings back.

Fear’s smile faded, as reality finally returned to him.  “No… no, this isn’t right.”  He took the controls as the emotions spoke out in confusion.

After enjoying his first moment with Dad, or half of him, Ian stepped back into the reality of the situation.  “Oh, no. I messed this whole thing up. Dad’s going to be legs forever.”

“No, not forever,” Barley pointed out.  “The spell only lasts for one day.  Once the sun sets tomorrow he’ll be gone, and we won’t bring him back again.”

Ian looked out the window at the setting sun, then down at his digital watch.  “Okay, twenty four hours.  That doesn’t give us much time.”

“No time at all,” Fear thought aloud as he looked down at his own digital watch.  “What are we supposed to do with a pair of legs for twenty four hours?”

“Oh!  I know!” Joy perked up before taking control.

“We’ll just have to do the spell again,” Ian said.

“What??” the other emotions exclaimed.

“You mean you’ll have to,” Barley clarified.  “A person can only do magic if they have the gift, and my brother has the magic gift!!” he exclaimed.

“Okay, this is getting nuts!” Fear said, grappling for the controls.  He tried to grab Joy by the shoulder and push him away, but this time Joy pushed back, causing Fear to momentarily pause in shock, before trying again to push for control.

“But I couldn’t finish the spell,” Ian argued.

“Well, you’re going to have plenty of time to practice, cause we’re going to have to find another Phoenix gem,” Barley commented, noticing the remains of the shattered gem on the wizard staff.  Almost immediately, Barley’s face lit up with an idea and he ran downstairs.

Joy and Fear finally gave up their shoving match and faced each other.  “What is your problem?” Joy exclaimed.

Fear paused a moment, still shocked that Joy talked back to him, before getting back to the subject. “’We’ll have to do the spell again?’”

“Well, yeah,” Joy shrugged. “What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is that about two minutes ago magic was just some hokum from Barley’s silly little games,” Fear explained, “and now Ian just used an ancient stick and resurrected dad’s pants!”

“And your point is…?” Joy asked.

Fear gasped. “What?  Seriously?  I mean, isn’t this a lot to take in?”

“That is a lot,” Sadness spoke up.

“See?” Fear pointed out. “Sadness agrees with me.”

“I think we should do the spell again,” Sadness added.

Fear took a double take towards Sadness.  “You too?”

“I thought I’d never say this ever again,” Disgust added in his thoughts, “but Fear’s right.  I don’t want Ian messing with nerdy magic mumbo jumbo.”

“But he is a nerd,” Joy clarified.

“Ian’s not going to become a table top role playing geek!” Anger snapped.

“He’s not playing a game!” Joy argued.  “Guys, you saw it!  You saw the sparkly stuff, you saw dad’s legs!  Magic is real!”

“And dangerous!” Fear argued back.

“But if there’s a chance to bring dad back, even for one day,” Joy asked, “shouldn’t we try it?”

Fear, Anger and Disgust were about to rebut, but paused at that very question.  They looked at each other, then at Dad Island, then up at the screen, where they could see Ian gently tapping on Dad’s foot, almost as if he was checking if he was really there.

“Guys,” Joy told them all, “we could finally give Ian memories of his dad.”

Before the emotions could discuss this any further, the bedroom door flung wide open as Barley ran inside, slamming a box of Quests of Yore cards onto the desk.  “We’ll start where all quests begin, the Manticore’s Tavern.”  He plucked a few selected cards from the box and presented them to Ian.  Ian stood up and took the cards with a puzzled look. “The place is run by a fearless adventurer.  She can show us where to find any gem, talisman, totem…”

“This again?” Anger snapped, with Disgust flipping a few switches on the controls.

“Barley, this is for a game,” Ian explained.

“Based on real life,” Barley explained right back.

“How do you know this place is still there?” Ian asked.

“It’s there.”  Barley dumped out the box and dug through the pile of cards for the exact one.  “My years of training have prepared me for this very moment, and this is the only way we are going to find a Phoenix gem,” he declared, holding up the Phoenix gem card.

“There’s no way we’re trusting this guy,” Disgust said.

“But he’s the expert,” Joy told Disgust.

“The expert in a geeky game,” Disgust clarified.

“Based on real life,” Joy clarified right back.

“What part of this is real life, Joy?” Anger snapped.  “What part?”

“Well, we know the magic is real.  Right, Fear? Fear?”  Joy looked around, finding Fear’s not at the console.  She turned around to see Fear pacing back and forth across the floor, hands squeezing his sides and mumbling nervously to himself. His eyes were wide, as he couldn’t believe this is happening.  “Fear!”

“Ah!” Fear jumped, then tried to collect himself.  “Oh, heh, uh, sorry.  I was just thinking…”

“… Thinking we should do this?” Joy asked with an encouraging, trusting smile.

Fear was unsure of anything anymore.  All he could do was glance at the emotions, then Ian, then back at Joy, then at Dad Island, then at Ian, then back at Joy.  Taking a deep breath, followed by a gulp, Fear approached the console, pleaded under his breath, “please don’t let me regret this…” the jumped a mile as he heard Dad Island whir to life.

“Whatever it takes,” Ian decided, “I am going to meet my dad.”

“Did you hear that dad?” Barley boasted triumphantly.  “We’re going on a quest!”

-----

Before they knew it, Ian was in the back of the van with Dad, Barley was at the wheel driving down the interstate through the city.  Fear and Sadness were at the controls, Disgust watching the screen next to an idea bulb she just recently inserted into the console.

“Guys!  Guys!  Look!” Joy raced up to the other emotions, cradling a purple memory orb.  “It’s Ian’s first memory of dad!”

Fear peered into the ball as it played an image of Ian reacting to first seeing the pair of sentient legs.  “Uhh… I don’t think it counts until we get all of dad back.”

“Oh, all right,” Joy replied with a playful huff before placing the memory back on the short term shelves.

As Sadness finished returning a memory of Ian’s math award up the recall tube, Fear took the controls to help Ian finish another list of his.

“What are you two chatty charlies up to back there?” Barley asked Ian.

Ian picked up a mannequin top made out of pieces of clothing and stuffing.  “Well, I felt weird talking to dad without a top half so… ta-da.” Ian placed the mannequin top on top of the bottom half of Dad.

“That’s great!” Barley exclaimed.  “Dad, you look just the way I remember you.”

Disgust smirked as he removed the idea bulb from the console.  “Told you it was a good idea.”

“Don’t worry dad, soon we’ll have you all back together, and I’ll introduce you to Guinevere,” Barley said, implying his van.  “Rebuilt this old girl myself, from the lug nuts to the air conditioning.”  With one flick of a switch, the inside of the van was hit hard with a blast of cold air.

Fear shrieked and grappled at the controls.  “Ian! Need!  Seat belt!”

Ian managed to fight through the gust and turn off the overpowering A/C unit.  “Showing dad your van?  That’s your whole list?” Ian asked as he sat down in the passenger seat.

“What list?” Barley asked, before noticing a small notebook in Ian’s hand.  “What’s that?”

“Oh, it’s just a list of things I want to do with dad,” Ian explained.  “You know, play catch, take a walk, driving lesson, share my whole life story with him…”

Fear nodded, reading over every single one that he wrote on his exact copy of Ian’s list in his notebook. Play catch.  Take a walk.  Laugh together.  Heart to heart.  Driving Lesson.  Share my life story with him.

“That’s good,” Barley nodded with a smile, before his smile lit up with excitement.  “Oh, but before you cast dad’s spell again, you need to practice your magic.”

Ian caught the book Barley casually tossed at him.  The Quests of Yore game book.  “This is for a game.”

“Everything in Quests of Yore is historically accurate, even the spells.  So,” Barley boldly presented Ian with the wizard staff, “Start practicing, young sorcerer.”

Fear froze, looking up at the staff, overpowered with the overbearing weight that this is real, and this is really happening.  “Are we really going to do this?” he asked.

Anger and Disgust were on one side, arms crossed, not liking the game book is involved.  Sadness on the other, standing next to Fear, placing his hand on Fear’s.  Joy placed his hand on Fear’s shoulder, giving him a confident, assuring smile.

Trying to ignore the feeling that he’s already regretting this, Fear closed his eyes, and pressed a button.

“Well, dad,” Ian said, in a less confident tone, as he cracked opened the book.  “Let’s practice some magic.”

[c-is-for-circinate]

On Good Omens, queerbaiting, and heteronormative bullshit

Theory: Good Omens the miniseries and the way it treats relationships feels maybe a little weird and hits some of the same mental buttons as queerbaiting not because Aziraphale and Crowley are insufficiently gay, but because the entire rest of the show is.  In this essay I will actually write this essay, because no, really, I think it’s A Thing and I might even be able to prove it.

There’s a lot of nuance to both sides of the whole queerbaiting/not-queerbaiting argument, and I don’t want to neglect any of it, but I think my big takeaways have been as follows:

On the ‘this is uncomfortable and queerbaity’ side:

Good Omens the miniseries ramps up the emotional relationship between Crowley and Aziraphale to be the heart of the entire show.  Both demon and angel are coded as gay in a number of different ways, both individually and in terms of how their relationship is portrayed as a romance.  And yet despite being the core of the show, they never make any of it explicitly romantic.  There’s not a kiss, there’s not an ‘I love you’.  The entire relationship is built from implications rather than explicit statements.

Years and decades and centuries of storytelling have given us gay relationships that we have to look for.  That we have to find in implications rather than explicit statements.  Sometimes stories were written that way for plausible deniability, so that content creators could keep mainstream/straight fans happy while also luring queer fans with crumbs and promises.  Sometimes stories were written that way for plausible deniability, so content creators could slip hidden gay messages past censors.  Sometimes stories were written that way for plausible deniability, so content creators could stay literally, physically safe.  But either way, it’s exhausting.  It’s been so long.  We want to see ourselves on screen.  We want somebody to admit out loud to what we’re seeing.  We’re tired.

Also, when things get heated: the opposing side are apologists and boot-lickers, ready to bend over backwards to defend their Precious Author Faves in hopes of receiving whatever crumbs they can get.  (Please note: this is an ad hominem argument with like ten different logical fallacies in it, and also it’s just mean.  We will be assuming that all parties in this discussion are attempting to act in good faith with a healthy dose of frustration, and largely ignoring this point.)

On the ‘no, this is Good Representation, really’ side:

Aziraphale and Crowley are in a queer relationship--it’s just not a gay one.  They are two genderfluid beings who mostly present as male out of preference or convenience, surrounded by additional similar genderfluid beings who may present as male, or female, or both, or neither.  Their relationship is both romantic and asexual.

The fact that those ‘explicit milestones’ of kissing, sex, etc are absent from the show is in fact part of the point.  Not only does it make sense for the characters themselves, but it means so much to see a relationship that is obviously romantic, that is the center of an entire story, where the key turning point is about something other than sex or marriage.  A relationship can be super important, can be important enough to build an entire life around, without sex, without kissing, without wedding rings.  It’s so good to see one that is.

Also, when things get heated: the opposing side are aphobes and probably transphobes, whiny babies who don’t really care about representation, they just want their kind of representation.  (Please see above note about ad hominem attacks and logical fallacies.

There are a few points that everyone can agree on.  Crowley and Aziraphale follow the plotline of a romance, and their relationship is the core of this show.  They do not kiss, or have sex, or explicitly fall into any behavior that conventionally says, ‘yes, this human couple is dating’.  Other characters in the show mistake-them-for-dating, but those characters are always uninformed about the real complex nature of this relationship.

One side says: it all comes so close to being a thing we so rarely get to see, to reflecting ourselves on screen.  Why promise and not deliver?  Why come so close and then shy away?  Aziraphale and Crowley, with all they are to each other (with Aziraphale’s shop in Soho and his time in a discrete gentleman’s club, with their so-religious families that will disown them or worse for this relationship, with everything they are an have been) are a metaphor for gayness that refuses to commit past the point of metaphor and just admit it already, and it hurts.

The other side says: it has exactly hit the nail on the head of being a different thing we so rarely get to see, to reflecting a different portion of ourselves onscreen.  It just so happens that the thing it’s reflecting is by nature a little confusing and undefined, is close to the kind of queerness you’re expecting without getting there.  Crowley and Aziraphale (who’ve been alive for six thousand years, who have seen so many different ways humans love each other and swear to each other, who are not bound by our conventions or definitions and maybe show us that we don’t have to be either) are a metaphor for nothing.  They parallel a lot of familiar narratives of a lot of kinds of queerness, without trying to be anything but what they are.

Two sides, everybody so starved for representation that they’ll grab for it and name-call and scrabble desperately when they almost get it.  One relationship.  One divided fandom.

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Look, it is obvious by this point that this is a case of everybody fighting over our one specific instance of representation because there isn’t enough to go around, right?  If gay relationships were more common throughout fiction, it wouldn’t be so important that Aziraphale and Crowley were among them.  If ace relationships and alternative relationship dynamics were portrayed as frequently or given as much weight as sexual ones, it wouldn’t be so important.

And it’s not just about what’s important, it’s about what’s noticed.  If there were gay relationships--or if there were ace relationships, or other kinds of queer relationships!--all over fiction, then being explicit would matter so much less.  It is important, in this world, that queer relationships in fiction announce what they are out loud, because in this world they are so often brushed over or ignored.  They have to clear a much higher bar than conventional straight, sexual relationships.  If there were more representation in the world, everybody would be primed to notice Aziraphale and Crowley as a romance.  We wouldn’t need it spelled out--one, because we’d already know, and two, because it wouldn’t be such a big deal if somebody else didn’t.

Of course, there’s more representation these days than there used to be--little dribs and drabs of it all over.  There’s just enough out there that somebody can say, ‘look, we’ve seen basic gay romances, let us have this thing here, let us have this nuance’.  And meanwhile half the audience (who may be gay, or bi, or ace, or transgender or genderqueer themselves in all sorts of ways) is gaping, because...okay, maybe gay romance exists in some places, in corners, but there’s still so little of it.

We’re all living on crumbs.  It’s hard to appreciate nuance when you’re just a few steps past starving.  It’s hard to appreciate the grace of ambiguous and open endings when you’ve seen them twisted against you again and again, and you just want something that’s yours.

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Here’s another thing, an important thing.  Humans are used to seeing patterns and we’re used to seeing stories.  It can be very hard to tell whether a storyteller is trying to give us something new and strange told well, or something more familiar told badly--especially if we’re used to seeing the familiar thing told badly.

And: if the audience cannot tell whether an author is portraying Thing A well or Thing B badly, at a certain point it doesn’t really matter which it is.

And: sometimes the only way to tell if a story is trying to show you Thing A and succeeding or Thing B and failing, is to look around the story to see if you can spot Thing B done right, anywhere else.

In other words: How do you make a difference between an audience that is collectively sure that Crowley and Aziraphale are some specific, slightly-hard-to-define but very definitely queer thing (and sometimes being hard to define is an intrinsic part of queerness), versus an audience divided amongst themselves over whether or not they’re just a bad, cowardly approximation of ‘gay’?

You put actual, explicit gay somewhere else in the story.

And that’s where we run into problems.

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The problem with Good Omens the miniseries and how it does queer representation, how it does Crowley and Aziraphale and their romance, is the same problem that Good Omens the miniseries has across the board.  The problem is that half the writing team is gone, and so is half the story.

In the miniseries, Aziraphale and Crowley are, hands down, the main characters.  This is their story, and everyone else around them--Anathema and Newt, the Four Horsemen, Heaven and Hell, the Them, and even Adam himself--are just bit players.  I don’t fault Neil Gaiman for that, exactly.  I’m sure he did his best, and his best meant he poured the heart and soul of the story into these two characters and the relationship they share.  He gave them as much richness and depth as he possibly could.  (That’s part of why we all love them enough to fight over them.)  But the fact is, the rest of the story around them suffered.

Adam and the Them, Anathema and Newt, even Madame Tracy and Sergeant Shadwell--humans, all of them, and very much the people who actually stop the apocalypse.  Considering the way Anathema kick-started Adam along his path towards Armageddon, they’re even the people who started the apocalypse.  Very, very fundamentally, Good Omens is a story about how humans don’t need heaven or hell--not to be evil, not to be good, and not to keep being human.  Except that the miniseries wrote the humans off to the side, and that cracked things a little.  In some places, it cracked things a lot.

Don’t get me wrong: I love the miniseries.  I love Crowley and Aziraphale at the heart of it, and the richness and depth of their relationship.  I love the story about how an angel and a demon are so very very human, even though they think they aren’t.

But it’s a story that only works with enough of a contrast.  We can only appreciate Aziraphale and Crowley as an angel and a demon who’ve become very-nearly human if we know what the differences are in the first place.  We can only appreciate their similarities if we see enough humans acting the same way: with want, with fear, with desire, with pettiness, with love.

The difficulty with the miniseries is that we see a great deal of Crowley and Aziraphale being full of very, very human emotions and reactions.  We see their worry and desperation and how much they care about each other.  Nothing we see from any other character in the whole show comes close.

Anathema lives a life in service to (a prophecy, not a Host, but is it so different?) a thing she doesn’t quite understand and nobody can explain to her, that she just has to trust--but we see Aziraphale deal with Gabriel and Heaven again and again, and we see so little of Anathema’s fear and doubt.  Newt is fired from (a nothing job, not God’s endless love) a world he vaguely understands but isn’t good enough for, and finds himself in a strange, confusing place where he’s probably smarter than his boss and everything smells a bit weird and it might technically be his job to hurt people except maybe he doesn’t want to--and we get none of it, compared to what we see of Crowley, six thousand years post-Fall.

Adam is human and not-human, full of powers that can bend the world around him to his whim, that can make things how he thinks they should be.  He decides not to, because of love and selfishness, because he’d rather be human.  He makes the exact same decision Aziraphale and Crowley make.  We just get so much less of the weight of it.

The thing about telling the story this way is that it turns Crowley and Aziraphale into the only real people in the whole show, with everyone around them in silhouette and abstract.  It stops being a story about how this angel and this demon are, effectively, exactly the same as everyone else--oh sure they’ve got some differences, powers and abilities and age and shape-shifting (and mutable gender, and vague non-existent sexualities), but hell, people in general are full of differences in all of those things anyway.  

All of a sudden, the differences between baseline human and celestial being start to feel weird and cheap.  If Aziraphale and Crowley are the only real people in the story, and they’re not reacting in the way most people would react--it’s not just because they’re individuals, with specific individual wants and needs and reactions.  It’s either a statement or a weird error.  If the only real people in the story aren’t people, everything starts to fall just a little bit apart.

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And so we come back around to sexuality once again.

A deeply, deeply unfortunate side effect of the Good Omens miniseries fleshing out Heaven and Hell and neglecting the humans is that all of the queer content--all of the nonbinary characters, our one shining non-heterosexual relationship, all of it--went to characters who were not human.  It makes so much sense, on one hand.  That’s where all the new depth came from, so of course that’s where all the new queerness went.  And why should non-human characters subscribe to human definitions of gender and sexuality?  Of course they wouldn’t.

Because, right: the idea that sexuality is in and of itself a primarily human thing, which most non-humans lack but some experiment with for fun (and that is Word of God and that is explicit in the text of the show and the book)--that idea’s not actually inherently bad.  The idea that sexuality is a requirement of humanity, that it comes part and parcel with love and ‘becoming more human’ (which is, after all, the best thing you can do according to show or book)--that idea is in fact bad.  But if all of your desire for sex goes to your humans AND all your queerness goes to your non-humans...that gets real unfortunate, real real fast.

The problem is, just like the show neglected to give the full depth of human characterization and emotion to its actually human characters, it failed to give them the full depth of human sexuality and gender, too.

The humans in Good Omens are painfully heterosexual.  It’s not simply that the Newt/Anathema and Tracy/Shadwell relationships are straight--it’s that they fall into place as though straight is the only choice.  Both relationships are so very much a picture of no other options.  Anathema and Newt are facing the end of the world, about to probably die, and also have been prophecied to get together under these circumstances for centuries.  Shadwell and Madame Tracy are both very deeply alone, and getting older, and if they want to be anything but alone their only choice appears to be each other.  These four people appear to default their way into traditional m/f relationships, whether it’s falling into (under) bed or moving to the country to retire together.  They hit all of those ‘explicit markers’ we were talking about before, and they don’t do it with emotional build-up.  They don’t do it with any real exploration of the individuals involved or why they’re making these choices.  There’s barely any acknowledgement that these are choices.

The thing is, gay humans do exist in the world of Good Omens!  We spend time is Soho, and we hear about a very specific extremely gay gentleman’s club, and we know it’s there, somewhere, hidden.  We just never get to see it.  Crowley and Aziraphale (who are our only touchstone to those queer areas, which the other human characters never seem to encounter) are the Only Queers In The World.  And it sucks, and I think it happened completely by accident.

I suspect that the lack of human queerness was literally just a side-effect of the lack of human anything--Crowley and Aziraphale are in fact the only queers in the world specifically because they’re the only people in the world.  None of the already-existing human characters were given enough additional development to add much of anything, including any new gay.  The human world of Tadfield and the Witchfinder Army wasn’t given enough development to make it worth creating any new characters, let alone queer ones.

It just means that, all of the sudden, straightness gets accidentally equated with every single non-child human we spend more than two lines with, and queerness becomes exclusively the province of demons and angels.  That’s really bad.  It’s one of those unfortunate accidents that happens sometimes, because the world ain’t perfect, but it’s pretty not great.  And that’s where our problems come from.

In particular that’s where this current debate comes from, because if sexuality = human and human = straight, and nonhuman = asexuality and queerness = nonhuman, then we’ve accidentally said some pretty damning things about humanity and equated all queerness with lack of sexual desire all at the same time.  And it’s subtle, and it’s easy to miss, because it’s all about a lack of queer humans that’s all mixed in with the lack of humans at all, but it feels off.  So we go looking for reasons and we go looking for scapegoats.  It’s so easy to fixate on and blame the only queer relationship (the only developed, real relationship) we get at all, writ huge and impossible-to-miss all over our screen, rather than all the invisible ones we don’t.

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Here’s what I take away from all of this: Crowley and Aziraphale are, in every real sense, the most important characters in the Good Omens miniseries, and their relationship is without doubt the most important relationship.  It’s a well-developed, believable relationship.  It’s neither a straight relationship, nor an explicitly sexual gay relationship.  It is a different thing all its own, a thing that does not easily fit conventional human labels, that may or may not include sex at some point but certainly does not require it to be devastatingly important.

And I like that.  I, me, personally, who would rather find a reason to feel heartened than a reason to feel angry, am really glad to see something so extremely not-straight at the emotional center of a story I care about.  That’s me.

In the absence of anything that is an explicitly sexual gay relationship, this nebulous complicated thing at the core of this story looks an awful lot as though it’s trying to be gay and not getting there all the way.  And that sucks.  And for a lot of people, that hits some very specific buttons that have been made tender over many years of stories that try to be gay and refuse to go there all the way.  The flaw, though, is in the contrast and the context around the relationship--not in the relationship itself.

Stories are hard.  Telling stories, and making sure that they get heard on the other end the way we want them to, is hard.  Figuring out why certain things resonate the way they do, why some people feel connected while others feel alienated when we’re just trying to make our point, is sometimes the hardest thing of all.

I don’t blame Neil Gaiman for not magically figuring out that this would happen with the story he was trying to tell, partially because I haven’t seen anybody else in this great big argument of ours notice it either.  He tried to tell a story that was similar to but distinct from a story a lot of people wanted, and he didn’t make it clear enough.  I still really like the story we got.  I like all the slightly-different fanfic versions, too.  I like liking things.  That’s me.

If you’re still mad, if you’re still hurt: legit.  That’s valid.  But I don’t think arguing over this one specific relationship, what it Should Be and Shouldn’t Be, is helpful.  

Basically: I don’t want to sit around getting angry at each other over why Crowley and Aziraphale didn’t get the same traditional markers of Happily Ever After as Newt and Anathema, as Tracy and Shadwell.  I want to know why those couples didn’t have to (didn’t get to) EARN their happily-ever-afters with all the feeling and wanting and fearing and deciding that Aziraphale and Crowley did.

[fandom-will-be-my-fall]

Spill your heart out about Walter.

Okay so I basically got this question in what, January?? but I’m answering it now since I just rewatched the movie and have inspiration, sorry for the late reply Anon

Okay so, to start off this post with some keyboard smashing because that my primary go-to for expressing my emotions

sgklhfsgjksdlgdghkjlgjhOHUFLUSKHDGSLIDRGKJGKFSDHGlhjglksdhkglshglllllfa. knjcthxiudhusmnvsoidhéytbvonjyxclkkvbr. haeylicfvshdkgikc

HANDSOME BOY. HANDSOME. ‘NUFF SAID.

I could legit stare all day at his beautiful face… look at him. Enchanting sky blue eyes… fluffy, wavy brown hair, cute round cheeks, lovely smile… those hidden freckles that you can hardly spot and only in certain screenshots but nevertheless they’re there to raise the cuteness factor… ALSO HIS LASHES. MAYBE IT’S NATURAL?? MAYBE IT’S MAYBELLINE?? WE SHALL NEVER KNOW

Here you may be able to spot the freckles if you squint hard enough. I have 77 screenshots but this is the best example I could find.

Secondly… well, he’s a sticc. A short sticc at that (though still slightly taller than me bc I’m smol), but a sticc regardless! And that seems to be the most attractive cartoon body type for me. Don’t judge me, I just have a thing for twinks, I’m… twinksexual or whatever.

Look at him! He would fit through my doorcrack.

(Maaaybe the reason for me liking sticcs so much is partially the fact that I like the idea of a boyfriend I can protect and support, physically and emotionally. I’m mad at the universe for not letting me scoop him up in my arms bridal style and smooch the HECK outta him.)

I’ve encountered a few posts that claimed he’s got cake but, come on. That concept has canonically been proven to be false, even by Lance. This man is flat and you can pry this opinion off my cold, dead hands.

Speaking of hands! I like his big ol hands. Nice shape. They look soft. I wanna hold them.

According to a DVD commentary, and the visual facts, he has no shoulders whatsoever. Back in Venice Killian was able to restrain him effortlessly with only one foot on his chest, even as he kept struggling ans squirming and generally put in as much effort as he possibly could. Before then, he claimed the database was the first thing he has ever caught in his life.

Conclusion, our boi’s very much NOT athletic. Which makes sense for a scientist, braining all day and stuff, and because he probably barely even eats, or sleeps which are by the way both pretty concerning implications but anyway.

STOP BEATING UP THIS POOR FRAGILE LAD FOR GOD’S SAKE. Makes me want to protect him even more. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but you get what I mean.

Now, on to the actual reason I’m so head over heels for him, a.k.a his personality.

He is one of the sweetest, kindest, purest boy characters I have ever seen in fiction, if not THE number one himself. (All my other cinnamon roll crushes are, or have been a villain at some point and WILL resort to violence if provoked.) Look at him, his pacifism… is unbreakable. He’s dead set on making the world a better place, by peaceful ways, and helping humanity. If that’s not a quality to be cherished then IDK what is.

And he’s just such a refreshing character. He likes pink, K-dramas, glitter, kittens, things that aren’t traditionally “masculine” (but is never made fun of those things in particular in the movie) and I love that. Nothing’s sexier than a man who’s, despite society’s shitty standards, openly and unashamedly himself!

His femininity is, if anything, just another turn-on. (This didn’t intend to sound sexual… but oh well.) I love his little hand gestures and mannerisms, dorky ramblings, the way he says “yep” popping the “p” at the end, all the small yet significant traits that were incorporated into his character. Bless you, SiD creators, bless you.

Have I said that he’s a genius?? Which is pretty obvious but c’mon, he graduated at 15!! He can modify human genes!! He successfully turned a man into a pigeon on the first try!! (The serum wasn’t the first prototype but we can assume he didn’t experiment on living humans with the previous ones.) And he’s still just 20!! Like what is that if not hella fucking impressive???!??

His inventions, to the untrained eye, may seem “stupid” or “childish” but alas! The observer couldn’t be more wrong! Because despite the odd designs and themes they’re all highly effective, as we have witnessed in the battle against Killian. And he is extremely creative for coming up with such ideas! Told you he’s brilliant!!

Which makes me all the sadder about how much they underappreciated him at the agency. In his words, nobody ever listened to him, or gave him a chance. They just left him and his “weird” ideas next to the men’s bathroom and called it a day. How could they be so blind? Didn’t they see the potential in his inventions? Oh well. Maybe I’m just being a smartass bc I have more knowledge, living outside that universe. But I’m totally right.

And I was honestly ready to throw hands with Lance for hurting the boi even further. (I’d stand no chance whatsoever, but still.)

Oh no baby please don’t cry.

He did cry in that scene though… you could see a tear rolling down his cheek and if it wasn’t for the machine beeping… He did have a pretty rough day afterall. But HEY, if we dwell on it too much the scene loses its comedic effect!! A guy gets sad over a stupid soap opera, har har har!! Now let’s move on, keep it fast and snappy for the kids, don’t let them overthink it!! Can’t have any emotional breakdowns onscreen. Keep it lighthearted y’know. Then let’s kill a random side character and have our dear protagonist almost die twice.

(Well jokes on you Blue Sky! I’m no kid, but a devoted fangirl who can and will overthink any material of my fictional faves at any given opportunity.)

You know what else I love about him though?? His love for animals!! And pigeons, especially Lovey!! He loves her so much, gives her gluten free breadcrumbs, nuzzles her, the first thing he does when he finds out Lance can talk to the pigeons is ask if she loves him too!! Like… That’s so pure and wholesome.

This here. THIS RIGHT HERE. BROTP forever.

(Not gonna lie, I used to be crazy for pigeons for like, an entire year or something. Not as in looking up all the facts there are about pigeons as I do nowadays with cartoons, but I’d feed them regularly and write my little observations on their behaviors. Did you know they sometimes scratch their neck with their leggies like dogs do?)

I think I’ve summed up mostly everything I love about this nerd. Oh wait, almost forgot the sass!! I love how sassy and smug he can be sometimes, in like, a really harmless way but it’s still a very nice characteristic.

Since I’ve ran out of coherent things to say, here’s an incomplete list of things I want to do to Walter Beckett. Put at the end of this post so those of you who were only here for the analysis part and not the selfshippy gushing don’t have to read further:

kiss he

like seriously

just kiss he a whole lot

cover his whole face in kisses

one kiss for each of his freckles. a finishing kiss onto the tip of his nose. then repeat the cycle

hug him. hug him like the world is ending. hug him so tight he can barely breathe

then ofc let go and apologize bc I would never hurt him on purpose

cuddle him

hold him close, let him lay his head on my chest

run my fingers through his hair

listen to his breathing

discover that he’s fallen asleep on me and smile fondly, then soon drift off to sleep myself so we can wake up entangled in eachother the next morning

fuck he

pin him to a wall and snog he

make him go cherry red

fluster he

compliment him. praise him. appreciate him. he’s a prince, a hero, an angel, a wonderful human being and he needs to know this

feed pigeons together

listen to his scientific ramblings and bird facts

write him love letters and give them to him. maybe read it aloud myself if I’m feeling brave so I can see his reaction in real time

serenade he

be the love of his life, and have him be mine

just… soft things, man

cook something for this malnourished sticc

make him small handmade gifts

they’re nothing like his gadgets but I tried

draw he

have him be my muse in general

not like he isn’t now but it would be lovely if he was real too

carry him bridal style

be the feral cryptid that lurks in his house when he isn’t around

sing along to cheesy pop-song together really badly

watch cheesy rom coms

flirt with eachother clumsily until we’re both laughing at our awkwardness

or, alternatively, shower him with compliments until he literally cannot handle it

have sleepovers together

give him hand kisses

be of emotional support

[hermannsthumb]

Could you possibly write a fic with Newt sending Hermann a sexy vid he’s thoroughly convinced is sexy but is in fact the worst piece of cinematography Hermann has ever seen...kthx 😘

i originally wrote this by hand in a notebook. can u believe it

no EXPLICIT onscreen shenanigans but heavily heavily alluded to so 18+/not safe for work below cut

----------------------------

Newt wouldn’t describe himself as needy, exactly, not all the time, not consistently, but he thinks–well–certain recent needy actions on his part can be forgiven on account of the current (and fucking tragic) circumstances he finds himself in. He and Hermann find themselves in together. It’s like–they already have a difficult enough go as it is finding time to, well, fool around, between work and mandatory meetings and the general boner-killing haze the whole “end of the world” thing has exuded upon them all, and now Hermann’s been shipped off across the ocean to goddamn Seattle to offer his expertise.

And Newt?

Newt’s horny.

The horny part is kind of his own fault. See, last Valentine’s Day, he managed to talk Hermann into taking sexy Polaroids with him (relatively tame stuff, though Newt does have a pretty saucy snapshot of Hermann’s exposed collarbone under his barely-unbuttoned shirt–the trollop!), and, feeling particularly lonely after another long day of having absolutely no one to argue with and throw bits of kaiju entrails at, Newt decided today was the day to crack the album open again. This, of course, led to recalling vividly how their parting sex had gone two months ago (Hermann had left awesome hickeys on Newt’s thighs that Newt swears he’s still sporting, and they got so loud someone actually pounded on their door to make them shut up), an single attempt at masturbation, and then a very botched attempt at phone sex.

(“I’m so hard,” Newt moaned. “What are you wearing?

A strange choking noise. “I’m in a conference, Newton!”

Right–time difference.)

Newt can just finish himself off and everything, and he’s planning on it, when he suddenly receives a neat and surreptitious little text from Hermann that makes his eyebrows jump.

I miss you too, darling

only a week, and then–

What follows is a wildly explicit list of activities Hermann plans to do with and to Newt when he gets home, requiring the use of everything from his tongue, to Newt’s tie, to the large purple dildo they keep in Newt’s bedside table and refer to (or, at least Newt does) as Hermann 2.

i love you, Newt replies.

This is when Newt gets an Idea. Inspiration really courtesy of the Polaroids, in fact. He should show Hermann how much he loves him, how much he misses him and how lonely he’s been without him. And, y’know, get off in the process. Then Hermann (who definitely misses Newt just as much) can get off too. Goddamn foolproof. He just needs to find his old webcam, and then…

———

Hermann doesn’t reply when Newt sends the video. At first, Newt thinks nothing of it–nothing beyond the obvious of “Hermann is just too overcome with lust and needs to jerk off immediately and can’t answer yet”–but when he still hasn’t brought it up by the end of the next day (long after his lust should have dissipated) Newt decides he needs to pry a little. For the sake of his ego.

only a few more days, he texts Hermann obscenely early. Or late. He never went to bed, technically; Hermann constitutes about seventy percent of his impulse control, and without anyone to shame him out of guzzling half a dozen Monster drinks and getting elbows-deep in kaiju guts all night, Newt has a tendency to do just that.

six–I can hardly contain myself

maybe i can reenact my video for you in person, huh? ;)

Hermann doesn’t respond for several hours.

sorry – I fell asleep

Newt politely doesn’t point out that he sent his query at what would’ve been noon Hermann’s time. Who knows--maybe the guy had a long night, too.

——

Six days winds down slowly, painfully, tortuously, and then finally, it’s one hour, then five minutes, and then Newt’s throwing his arms around Hermann outside the airport baggage claim and kissing the living daylights out of him. “Never again,” he sighs happily into the crook of Hermann’s shoulder.

“Next time–” Hermann starts.

“–won’t exist,” Newt says.

Hermann gives him a small, crooked smile. “Next time I’ll stow you away in my luggage. How does that sound?”

Newt thinks it sounds very good. He kisses Hermann again to let him know. “C’mon,” he says, taking the handle of Hermann’s massive wheely suitcase (because Hermann, for all that he wears the same three fucking pieces of clothing every day, packed his entire wardrobe and a half) “taxi’s waiting, and I���m like, hardcore blue-balled, dude.”

Hermann flushes and swats at Newt’s side in mortified admonishment, but doesn’t–to Newt’s immense pleasure–remove his hand afterwards. 

Newt waits patiently until Hermann’s finished unloading all the souvenirs Newt’s asked for (mostly shitty American junk food he has trouble finding in Hong Kong) from his suitcase to seduce him, and then he waits until he’s got Hermann stripped down to his stupid tighty-whiteys and threadbare undershirt and splayed out on Newt’s bed like a beautiful skinny-knobbly buffet to bring up the video again. Because, truthfully, it’s been weighing heavily on his mind. “So?” he says, with a little kiss to one of those bony collarbones that so ignited his lust the other night. “What did you think?”

“Mm,” Hermann says. His eyelids are at a lusty half-mast; his glasses slip further down his nose with each little jerk his body gives when Newt’s mouth does something exciting. “Of what, darling?”

“Of the video, obviously,” Newt says.

There is a slight, but noticeable, downward twinge to Hermann’s wide lips. “Ah,” he says. He fixes the glasses, then slides them back down, then back up. He’s nervous. Not a good sign. “Well–” He coughs. “Frankly, Newton, I found it…lacking.”

Newt freezes. “What do you mean?”

“The video,” Hermann says. “It was–well, it was terribly out of focus, darling. A bit sideways. And badly lit.” He fiddles with his glasses again and adds, almost chastising, “And you really ought to have gone for a more interesting color palette, I think.”

Newt drops his hands from Hermann’s knees (where they’d been braced, for proper sexy kissing and seduction) and sits back on his heels. “My sexy video?”

“Yes,” Hermann says. He blinks at Newt. “That is what we’re talking about, is it not?”

“It’s not,” Newt tries, stumbling over the words and a sudden surge of affronted anger, “it’s not lacking, you dick! It’s sexy! It’s–”

He digs his phone out from the heap of his jeans and jacket on the carpet. Hermann’s wrong. He knows Hermann’s wrong. The video’s sexy, okay. Newt’s sexy. Hermann’s just being difficult for no good fucking reason.

He scrolls back in his texts to find the video and clicks play.

Okay, like, maybe he could have angled the camera better, he’ll give Hermann that: in his deliberation over whether to film his face (romantic) or his dick (sexy), he settled somewhere in the vicinity of his abdomen in the hopes that the camera would get a bit of both. It did not. It was also a little dark in his bunk when he filmed it. And the sound quality isn’t, like, great--it’s all muffled. “Hi honey,” on-screen Newt says. “I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I miss you, and how bad I want you to just–”

The rest of the video consists of Newt’s loud grunts, the audible, wet slide of his hand on his dick, and a consistent shaky shot of his stomach and heaving chest. He jizzes in about two minutes flat with a little whimper of “Hermann–!”

The screen goes dark. Darker.

“Huh,” Newt says.

He flops onto his back on the bed.

“I wanted it to be a sexy thing for you to jerk off to,” he says, sadly.

“Well,” Hermann says, matter-of-fact, “naturally, I did masturbate to it anyway. Oh, Newton–” Newt turns away from him when he tries to lay a hand on his thigh. “Darling, I’m sorry, you mustn’t be upset. It was a lovely surprise. I’m just a daft old--”

“You don’t think I’m sexy,” Newt says, just as sadly as before.

“Of course I do!” Hermann plants a small kiss on his shoulder, right over a freckle Newt knows he’s fond of. It doesn’t cheer him up. “I think you’re devastatingly sexy. Not think--know.”

Newt rolls even further away. Nearly off the side of the bed. Hermann (sighing gently) follows with even more kisses to his shoulder, one at the nape of his neck that decidedly does not make Newt shiver. “Newton,” he murmurs. One of his hands ghosts down Newt’s bare chest and pauses to scratch over a nipple. “I would very much like to have sex with you right now.”

“Pity sex,” Newt says.

“Sex with my partner,” Hermann says, ignoring this, “whom I’ve not seen in two months and love very, very much. Because he is handsome--” Kiss. “--intelligent--” Kiss. “--thoughtful--” Kiss, kiss, kiss. “--mm, and very sweet.” 

“Liar,” Newt mumbles, but finally concedes to Hermann’s bony, tender embrace and sappy, overblown compliments and rolls over to nuzzle against his chest. 

“There we are,” Hermann coos. He slides his fingers through Newt’s hair; Newt makes a noise almost like a purr, to his embarrassment. “My sweet, handsome, sexy--”

"I’m gonna need a little more convincing than that,” Newt interrupts threateningly. 

“Gladly,” Hermann says.

[ober-affen-geil]

So literally every one of your recent gifsets has made me pause and curse softly. I mean, I adore your gifsets in general(I have no sense for lyrics or poetry but you make me feel things, it's very odd in a good way) but I did not expect these to hit so hard. Mostly because while I definitely understand the draw for Miluca I still don't...want it, I guess. Mostly because all I can see is Maria getting hurt by his secrets, one way or another. I want her happy, in some ways more than I even 1/3

{Alex and Michael together.(which, I ship them so hard it’s weird for me. I actively want them to kiss onscreen and that’s usually a thing that I more suffer through. Reading it is fine, but seeing it - I don’t see the appeal. Except no, I see the appeal, of course they want to kiss each other. I would have watched the show on the strength of their relationship alone, for the novelty if nothing else) But Maria just - I don’t want her hurt and I can’t see a way to avoid that here. I’m against 2/3

[third part missing thanks to tumblr, ask continued after advertising on my blog]

Oh man dude that got out of hand very fast so honestly I don’t remember. (I just wanted to say I liked your gifsets and then I realized I was talking about why and that dovetailed with why I can’t really get behind Miluca even when I see things that make me like it) But yes it was because the third part was when I actually figured out the point. Highlights are that I don’t like Miluca(they’re both going to be hurt, I feel like, but Maria esp and I love her too much to want to see her hurt by ½

his secrets. Plus, I feel like Michael can only really move up or stay stagnant atm, Maria could go up or down and I fear a downswing is coming. I definitely think they’ve got an interesting dynamic, but I’d honestly be much more interested in that dynamic if they weren’t romantically involved, or even dancing around it) Also I like your gifsets because every relationship feels equally prominent and complex and compelling, even ones like Miluca that I normally just don’t want to deal with. 2/2}

———————————————————————————————————–

Whew. Anon that is a lot, but who am I to say anything lol. Also very glad you found me again! Welcome!

First of all, thank you for your very kind words about my sets. I’m beyond flattered, so

Second of all, big ass mood on the surprise at shipping them so hard. And for me hardcore SAME for Echo, which was a big shock because I’m usually not here for het as much as I am for Echo so like. Idk WHAT they’re putting in the water but. Go Roswell go!

Third of all, woof. This is like reading my own thoughts immediately after the finale, and I mean that literally. I try to stay more or less neutral on this subject, partially because I know it’s a contentious one and I try to have my blog be welcoming to everyone from the fandom who might want to see content and partially because I really don’t like to speculate overmuch ESPECIALLY with shows like this that can turn on a fucking dime, but. In the interest of reciprocity and because I am absolutely starved for new show content, I’m gonna step out from under my neutrality umbrella for a hot second.

I am an endgame Malex shipper. I don’t try to hide that. But the reason I am an endgame Malex shipper is one of the reasons I’m not all that bothered by Miluca, and that is that the way the narrative has been set up (from episode one) Echo and Malex are on squarely even footing. Literally the second meta post I ever did for this fandom was about parallels between the two, that’s how strongly it speaks to me. (I am very, very happy to do another upon request.) In my mind, Malex is as clearly endgame as Echo is. That’s just the way I see the storytelling.

The other reason I’m not all that bothered by it addresses your concern about Maria being hurt. Because honestly, I’m frustrated about that too. I really like Maria and I don’t love seeing her in a situation that I’m pretty certain is going to end badly. But here’s the thing. As much as I doubt Maria is going to end up with Michael (poor boy has to finish crashing from last season, someone please get him a hug and a therapist ffs), her involvement with him is also almost certainly going to blow the doors off her story.

We didn’t see her a lot in season one, not as character with an independent story line, and I think that’s going to change in season two. Mostly because we now know that her necklace, a family heirloom, contains the non-native flower whose pollen happens to subdue alien powers. And she suspects something is up with Michael’s hand. And there have been too many seeds planted about her mother’s undiagnosable decline from mental stability for me to sit there and NOT expect that to become relevant. 

Basically, like Isobel, I think we’re going to get to see Maria stand on her own a lot starting in season two. And it’s going to come from the fact that Michael came to her in the Wild Pony at the end of the season one finale because he was finally at a place where he could step away from Alex. (Which I believe is a good thing, I’ve talked about that before.) I think it’s going to open her up and yeah, she’s probably going to get hurt. But frankly, so is everyone else.

Michael is going to crash and burn. Hard. Isobel is apparently dealing with all of her stuff from last season in not the healthiest of ways. Max up and fucking died and while I absolutely LOVE THAT (no really, I do), Liz isn’t gonna take that too well. Kyle has now found himself in the middle of quite the shit storm, so heaven help the poor man. Rosa is just. Well, fucked, basically. And Alex, as much as I love to see him having found himself, seems like he’s going to go a little too far in the other direction which is going to be fascinating.

All this to say, yeah. I super feel where you’re coming from. But I can’t see the ships in this show as isolated from each other, they are all interconnected in ways that very much affect and inform all the individual arcs and journeys for me. So I guess that’s why my sets come across the way they do lol. Thanks again for the lovely words anon, I hope you don’t mind me riffing off them.

[chid-sen-gan-blog]

My Reaction to GoT 8.04 (”The Last of the Starks”)

Hello, everyone! So, I’m back once again for another recap/review of the latest GoT epsiode. I’m sorry this took so long, but I spent most of my week in a deep depression over it, so I only got around to editing it now…

Anyway, this review is as much of an emotional roller coaster as the actual episode was, so read at your own risk. 

Once again, these are my thoughts from my first time viewing it (I read the leaks prior to seeing the episode, but I took them with a grain of salt, so everything written is based purely on my own emotions), and, once again, it features running commentary from my Dad and Brother because I love them and they’re amazing.

WARNING: Spoilers for the episode, if you haven’t seen it yet. Though considering how late I’m posting this, the warning may be irrelevant

WARNING #2: Please excuse my emotional state throughout. This show is designed to break me in many, many ways

Thanks you to everyone who supported the first three installments! I hope you enjoy the fourth!

Considering there are only two episodes left in the series (not counting this one), I think it’s kind of pointless for me to say that I’m still not used to the opening credits. If they haven’t grown on me yet, then they’re not going to in time for the finale

Every time I see D&D’s names at the start of an episode, I die a little inside

YES!!! I CAN SEE ACTUALLY SEE THIS EPISODE!!! (#still salty about squinting in 8x3)

Ugh. Dany. On second thought, I’ll take the poor lighting back. Please? Thank you

Aww, Sansa giving Theon her Stark pin. *tears up*

*quickly wipes tears away* Nope, not now, I’m saving my crying for later

I really hope that I’m not going to have to bring out the tissues for this episode even though all the leaks are pointing to it

Yikes. That’s… a lot of bodies

And just think of how many of them could still be alive if the dragons had just lit some ice zombies up instead of getting lost in a snowstorm

Or if the Dothraki hadn’t charged right into the Army of the Dead when they could hardly see where they were going

Then again none of us could really see anything with last episode’s lighting, so…

#still salty about squinting

Noooooo! Ghost!!! My poor baby’s covered in wounds!!!

“Alright, which of those undead creeps beat Ghost up that badly?! Because I will kill them all over again!” – My Wonderful Dad

“By the looks of it, he did a lot more fighting than the dragons. Point: Team Direwolves.” – My Wonderful Brother

Once again, just when I think Jon can’t look any more tired, he raises the bar

(at this point he could probably list “being tired” as one of his skills on his resume)

So, with this lighting, I can finally find out who survived. Okay, so let’s see… Jaime, Brienne, Davos, Gendry, the Hound…

Good speech, Jon. I’m surprised Dany let you take the reigns and make it

The score is fantastic once again. I can’t express how happy it makes me that Ramin Djawadi always brings his A-Game

(even when certain members of the crew don’t seem to *cough D&D cough*…)

Okay, this scene is really touching, I admit

Though I’m honestly a little confused why we still have to burn the bodies with the White Walkers gone, but, oh, well…

Oooh, a feast. Nice. I’ll stick to my potato chips and gummy bears, though

Gendrya’s canon and I’m glad

I wonder who curses more: the Hound or Bronn?

Oh, shoot. Dany, no. No, don’t call to Gendry…

NO!!! WHO TOLD THE WHITE-HAIRED DEMON THAT HE WAS ROBERT’S SON?! WAS IT YOU, DAVOS?! IT WAS YOU, WASN’T IT?! YOU AND YOUR OBSESSION WITH HER “GOOD HEART”!!!

I SWEAR TO EVERY DIREWOLF THAT’S GONE BEFORE GHOST THAT IF YOU LAY A HAND ON GENDRY I WILL TWIST YOUR DOUGH HAIR INTO A NOOSE, DANY!!!

Anyone else think it’s rather telling how everyone looks absolutely terrified when Dany’s speaking to Gendry?

“If Gendry dies, I will riot.” – My Wonderful Brother

Wait… Dany legitimized him?

No, there has to be something more to this. Dany never does things unless it’s for her own benefit…

Aaaaand there it is. Typical. Figured it was some ulterior motive

(my Dany bitterness is seriously at an all-time high tonight, and I’m not quite sure why)

Jon smiles more around a kid he barely knows (Gendry) than he does with Dany. And that’s the tea

“Sure, Dany, you just told everyone in this room now that Gendry has a claim to the Iron Throne that supersedes yours, but, yeah, you’re soooo clever.” – My Wonderful Brother

Even Tyrion looks done with her at this point. ‘Took him long enough

Jaime putting his hand on Brienne’s reminds me of a similar scene with them from S3, E6 (“The Climb”). *sighs* Ah, the early seasons. Those were good days…

Aww, the way they look at each other. *heart melts*

I’ve never been much for shipping, but when it comes to Jaime and Brienne, I’m shipping trash. And I’m proud

“JUST KISS ALREADY, YOU TWO!!!” – My Wonderful Dad (edit: apparently, I’m not the only one who’s shipping trash)

“Just nudge Brienne a little closer to him, Pod. Just enough for their lips to meet.” – My Wonderful Brother (edit: my whole family is shipping trash, and I couldn’t be happier about it)

Ah, Davos, Tyrion. Discussing Melisandre, are we? Pour one out for her on my behalf, would you? I owe her for lighting things up last episode

#still salty about squinting

Good question… what does R’Hollor want? Not that I expect D&D to explain it, but still…

Bran’s still a robot. Wonderful

Please tell me he has some purpose in this show other than creeping out his family and their guests

You know how you have that one friend that just won’t take no for an answer and tries to talk you into all the worst things and then acts like they’re doing you a favor? Yeah, that’s Tormund

Aw, Sansa encouraging Jon is everything. Even if it’s encouraging him to drink

Tormund, why would you toast to Dany? Why would you hurt me like that? Is it because I ship Braime? I always said Briemund was fine, too!

(though some Briemund stans that I’ve met… less so)

Dany toasting to Arya. Wow, it certainly looks like someone read their kiss-up handbook, doesn’t it?

“That woman is saccharine, spice, and nothing nice.” – My Wonderful Brother

The Hound barely acknowledges when Gendry’s named a lord, but is visibly amused when Arya’s mentioned. Oh, Sandor, you softie…

Seriously, though, the fact that we have Northmen, Free Folk, Southerners, Starks, Lannisters, and Varys (from Essos) all together in one room is amazing. And beyond that, they’re happy; they’re not fighting, they’re not trying to kill one another – they’re celebrating. Together. It’s actually making me tear up a bit

Well, we were all happy until Sansa saw Dany and left

I can’t blame her there, though. Wanting to book the moment you lay eyes on Dany is a personal mood of mine

Okay, confession time: I really want to play the drinking game one of these days with my family (though I’ll substitute the wine with something non-alcoholic)

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I adore Lannisbros, and I always will

Like, Tyrion’s charm has been lost on me since S5, but whenever he’s with Jaime, I can’t help but fall in love with him all over again.

And whenever Jaime’s around Tyrion, it always brings out a sweeter, softer side of his personality that we don’t normally get to see, and I live for it

Honestly, I can’t credit Peter and Nikolaj’s performances enough

Honestly, I can’t credit the entire cast’s enough

(especially in this season where the acting is pretty much the only thing worth watching for)

(well, the acting and the score)

“I can’t believe Jaime’s seriously using the drinking game as a way to show Brienne he remembers what she tells him.” – My Wonderful Brother, with a mile-wide smirk on his face

“The guy’s such a dork. I love it.” – My Wonderful Dad, smiling like the proud papa he is

I honestly can’t help but laugh at how Pod seems to be enjoying this as much I am

Okay, drunk Tormund’s funny. I admit

Tormund really seems to be intent on making Jonmund canon, I’m just saying

Awww, how I’ve missed Jon’s smile

… is that a Starbucks coffee cup?

Is that why they had such poor lighting in the last episode? To cover up coffee cup cameos?

#still salty about squinting

*opts to ignore it for now*

“A madman? Or a king?” Very telling words, Tormund. Very telling, indeed

And as if to confirm it, the score gets sinister, the noises muffle, and Dany starts to get… uncomfortable, for lack of a better term

Kudos to the cast and crew on this scene; it’s chilling my bones more than anything in the last episode did

Varys sees. Varys knows. And what Varys sees, Varys doesn’t like. Trust Varys

Back to the drinking game, and my children are still acting as dorky as ever

So, I’m curious. How did Tyrion and Sansa’s marriage get annulled, exactly?

*Jaime smiles at Brienne* // *Brienne smiles back at Jaime* // *my heart stops*

Woooooah. Tyrion, too far. Too far!

Pod grabbing a drink and downing it uncomfortably is me right now

And Jaime trying to cut Tyrion out is my wonderful Brother, who’s saying “stop” in the most warning of tones

And Tormund to the… rescue, I guess?

Tormund’s joke didn’t make me laugh, but Jaime rolling his eyes at Tormund’s joke sure did…

… while Jaime blocking Tormund’s path when the latter tried to follow Brienne only added more mirth to my mood

Tormund’s expression of rejection and anguish is the same one I wear whenever Dany’s being lauded onscreen

Yep. Drink up, buddy. You did your best

Pod’s smile gives me life. That is all

Me: *sees Tormund talking to the Hound about his heartbreak* // Me: *spits out soda two seconds later*

(And now I want to write a fic where the Hound’s a psychologist. Someone help me)

“No, really… could he have picked a worse person to talk to about his feelings?” – My Wonderful Dad

It took Tormund approximately two minutes to get over Brienne. … yikes

So… to everyone who said his feelings for Brienne were simply lust, I just want to apologize for ever doubting you. *shakes head* Really, Tormund, I had more faith in you

Oooh, Sansa and the Hound. This should be interesting. I don’t ship SanSan in the slightest, but I always did like their dynamic

“Broken in rough”? Really? *sighs and rolls eyes* That’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one

Okay, so just to be clear, the show basically just said that it’s a good thing that Sansa was abused all those years, ergo implying that – on some level – someone who’s been abused should be grateful to their abusers. *flings confetti listlessly* Quality writing, everyone. From the minds of D&D

“With sentiments like that, it baffles me how there hasn’t been a petition to fire D&D yet.” – My Wonderful Dad; a man who gets it, who I will forever love and forever stan

Ugh. Well, that scene was a train wreck. Time to try and get back on course

(sadly, that’s become my motto for most of these episodes recently)

Oh, good. Gendrya. Save me, Gendrya

And of-fricking-course she’s in BAMF Arya mode. Because when is she not anymore? *groans in annoyance*

Honestly, why do writers feel compelled to turn every single female warrior into variations of smug ninjas? I mean, is it too much to ask for a powerful woman who’s both in-tune with their emotions and a fighter?

(on a side note, that’s why I love Brienne; because she’s both)

I have unpopular opinions. I’m sorry

Gendry… Rivers. Rivers? Seriously?

His surname is WATERS. Every fanfic writer worth their salt knows that

“Please tell me Joe Dempsie accidentally got the line wrong and that D&D didn’t actually write the wrong surname into the script.” – My Wonderful Brother

“To echo what you told me last week, you’re asking for waaay too much.” – My Wonderful Dad

Anyway, let’s try to get back on track, shall we?

Tip #1 for using a fork, Gendry: Stick ‘em with the pointy end

This has to be the dorkiest proposal of all time, and I love it

… yeah, I knew she was going to reject him. But, hey, the score’s still pretty

*heartbreak level: 1000*

Ah, Brienne, I missed you… even though it’s only been a few minutes since I last saw you, but I digress

So, moment of truth: I’m in love with Oathkeeper, Brienne’s sword. Like, unnaturally so. I would fricking marry that sword, and regret absolutely nothing

*instantly loses all followers because I’m crazy*

Ah, Jaime, I missed you, too… even though, again, it’s only been a few minutes

Okay, series, so Jaime shows up at Brienne’s door significantly more disheveled and drunk than he was earlier, and you just expect me not to question how he came to be that way? Nice try, HBO. I know you have footage of him pacing and drinking in the hallway like a nervous wreck until he finally mustered the courage to knock. Release it

………… Yep, nothing like casually taking off your clothing with a lame excuse like “it’s hot in here” to set the mood. Sheesh, Jaime. You’re so awkward you’re making me cry

(on the other hand, to everyone who told me he’d be suave-as-suave can be when trying to flirt… I win. Prepare to part with your money)

Even when these two are going back-and-forth in flirtations, they’re still arguing like an old married couple. I love it

Hey, Mr. I-Hate-the-North? Yeah, sorry to be the breaker of bad news, but you’ve hardly stopped smiling since you got here. So, don’t give me that

Don’t know why, but Jaime admitting he doesn’t want things growing on him kind of breaks my heart…

… As does Brienne seeming surprised that Jaime sounds jealous of Tormund. Seriously, these idiots are going to kill me

And again with the “hot in here” excuse. Really, Jaime needs to get some flirting tips from Tyrion

These. Two. Dorks. That is all

Like, Jaime has no chill, and no idea what he’s doing despite being the, erm, “experienced one”. And Brienne is so rough-around-the-edges but so fricking gentle, too, I just… ah! These two will be the death of me, seriously…

On another note, I’ve been paying so much attention to how adorkable these two are that my mind didn’t register what was actually happening until right now and………… *screams and squeals like a group of pigs*

“OH MY GOSH, IT’S HAPPENING!!! STAY CALM!!! STAY FRICKING CALM!!!” – Me to Me, clearly not heeding my own advice

*meltdown intensifies*

(*briefly notices that D&D didn’t give Brienne her scars from fighting a bear but opts to ignore it for now*)

*meltdown seriously intensifies because, aside from Jygritte/Jongritte, this is my fricking OTP and I’m going to enjoy it, because, dang it, I’ve earned it after S7… and the last episode*

(#still salty about squinting)

Brienne looks so darn majestic and Jaime looks like a lost little puppy and I just… Really, it’d be sort of hilarious if it weren’t so cute

AND THERE’S THE KISS!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SINCE SEASON 3!!!!!!!

(random note, but I love how it’s sloppy and awkward. It’s believable, and it’s sweet, imo)

“WELL IT’S ABOUT DARN TIME!!!!” – My Wonderful Dad, who just jumped out of his seat to cheer

“NEVER STOP!!! NEVER. FRICKING. STOP!!!” – My Wonderful Brother, who’s also abandoned his seat to cheer

I love them so much. Bless them

I love everything right now, honestly

OH COME ON, SERIOUSLY?! NOT NOW, DANY!!! NOT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

My Wonderful Dad: *turns the tv on pause* “Nice try, Dany, but we’re celebrating first!”

Which is why I’m now typing away while eating a giant ice cream sundae made by my wonderful Dad, bingeing on excess candy, and drinking a liter of pineapple soda as both he and my wonderful Brother dance around to “The Bear and the Maiden Fair” blasting on the laptop

Can you believe we’re all completely sober? Because we are, we’re just nuts

I really adore my family

*twenty minutes later*

“Okay, party’s over. Time to suffer through Dany.” – My Wonderful Dad

“Daddy, the party will never be over. Even if Dany is present.” – My Wonderful Brother (huh, and I always thought he was a cynic)

Dany: “Are you drunk?” // Jon: *stumbles in response* // Dany: Oh, good, time to manipulate you

Honestly, this woman reminds me of Cersei more and more every time I see her, but with none of the charm

Ewww. No. Stop kissing. Stop kissing this instant

Oh, thank goodness

(can’t believe my OTP’s scene got cut off for my NOTP’s scene. Yes, I’m petty. Sue me)

Oh, brother. She’s really complaining about how she’s not happy? Like: Yes, Jon, your entire life was a lie, but let’s make it all about me, shall we? Give me a break

I mean, okay, you’re upset. That’s fine. But how about adding an “I can’t imagine how you must feel” or “it must be even worse for you” to the end of your sentence to at least show you care? That’s just relationship 101, honey

Sheesh. And I thought I was self-centered

So, does anyone else notice that Kit is acting oddly akin to how he did in that scene with Jon and Littlefinger? The little sighs and the head motion and all? Or is it just me?

“Kit’s kind of acting like he did in that scene with Jon and Littlefinger in the crypts.” – My Wonderful Brother, confirming my thoughts

Well, congratulations, Dany. Now you know how Viserys felt in S1. Don’t think that’s a good thing, though…

Ugh. Okay, so Jon and his whole “you’re my queen” schtick is annoying as all heck, but I can’t deny that it’s pulling at my heartstrings. Whether political!Jon is real or not (and I’m sure by the time I post this, so many of my wonderful mutual will have made new posts explaining how it is), the sheer desperation in the guy’s voice is horrible. It’s not the voice of a man in love, or a man who would do anything for his SO. It’s the voice of a man who’s terrified, who’s trying to do everything in his power to keep the peace, who would do anything to keep the people he truly loves safe. And – political!Jon or not – to see someone who we’ve known and watched grow since the start of the series be broken down to such a pitiful extent is heartbreaking

I mean, the guy’s on his knees claiming that he doesn’t know what else she wants from him, and, instead of comforting him or trying to work things through with him, she takes his face in her hands and tries to swear him to secrecy? To swear his “brother” and his best friend to secrecy? How can anyone ship this?! How?!

And to top it off,  her telling him to never tell anyone who he really is has to hit hard even on a personal level, too; given that his greatest insecurity in life has always been finding out who he really is, and if there’s anywhere where he really belongs. But, then again, I wouldn’t expect Day to know that, considering the guy never reveals anything personal about himself to her! But, no, they’re sooooooo in love. How adorbs uwu

No, Jon, don’t just tell Sansa and Arya. Pick them up and run away with them. Take Bran, too. Take all the redeemable characters and hightail it out of this terrible relationship and show and never look back

(it would be so ideal, if not for the fact that there must there always be a Stark in Winterfell)

Oh, nice victim-blaming there, Dany. You’re right, though. Sansa’s not the girl Jon grew up with. She’s better

Funny how Dany’s tears magically disappear the moment she thinks she’s getting what she wants

Wow, would you look at that. Dany trying to cut Jon off from his family, and giving him the “me or them” ultimatum. It’s a beautiful parallel to other such great moments, such as Balon telling Theon to choose between the Starks and the Greyjoys in S2, Cersei telling Jaime to choose her and Tywin over Tyrion in S4, and Joffrey forcing Sansa to pick sides between him and her family pretty much throughout the entireties of seasons 1 and 2. I mean, can anyone say life goals?

“So… where am I supposed to call if someone fictional I love is trapped in an abusive relationship?” – My Wonderful Dad

On a happier note, my OTP is together. I’m happy

(and maybe I’m wearing my shipping goggles, but Jaime looks like a man who just realized that he’s in love. Fight me)

Now why D&D won’t give me more of them, I’ll never know. Oh, wait… it’s because they hate their fans

Aaaaaand… this might be the tensest war council ever. How will Jon try to keep the peace this time?

Anyone ever notice that people tend to handle Dany like they did Joffrey – which is to say, like you would a petulant child?

And on today’s episode of “Let’s Just Listen to Sansa”, Sansa says something sensible and everyone ignores her… again

Okay, so I can already hear everyone calling for Jon’s head for apparently snapping at Sansa, but just from a different perspective, the look he gave her seems less like someone who’s taking sides, and more like someone trying to keep their family member out of trouble, imo. In fact, it resembles the look my wonderful Brother gives me whenever I get carried away with my big mouth (which is often)

Sansa knows, Brienne. That is all

Yes, Dany. Go get the throne already. But when Cersei kicks your lizard butt, don’t say Sansa didn’t tell you so

Finally! All the Starks together!!! (and, yes, until Jon starts saying “burn them all”, I will continue to view him as a Stark, thank you very much)

And on today’s episode of “Jon Tries to Keep the Peace”, Jon has to realize that he doesn’t need to shoulder everything on his own

Yeah… no offense, Arya, but I don’t really think we needed Dany and her scaly babies all that much. They were pretty much useless in the fight. At least from what I could see…

#still salty about squinting

Oh, boy. Arya saying Dany’s not one of us. I can already hear the D stans screaming how she’s pocket-sized assassin Donald Trump

Awww, Sansa coming to Jon’s emotional aide and assuring him he’s Ned’s child as much as the rest of them are

Awww, Arya coming to Jon’s emotional aide and telling him he’s her brother – just her brother, nothing less

“Darn it, kids! Just hug it out! Hug!!!” – My Wonderful Dad

This is seriously tearing Jon apart inside, and Kit is nailing it with his acting

Yes, you are family. Never forget that *tears up*

So, I kind of wanted Sansa and Arya’s reaction to the news, but since I don’t trust D&D to effectively  write such a powerful scene, I’m okay that we didn’t get it

(fanfic writers, on the other hand – please, work your magic)

I want a spin-off series with Jaime and Tyrion hanging out. I said what I said

Jaime being an awkward dork in love is my aesthetic. Again, I said what I said

It’s probably just me, but the fact that Jaime didn’t fully loosen up with Tyrion until the latter said something snide kind of pulls at my heartstrings. Like, he was fully expecting to get mocked – he was fricking waiting for it, almost – and that look of disbelief when Tyrion said he was happy for him… I just… *curls in a corner and cries*

Can I please just give everyone in Westeros a hug. Please? The Starks (Jon included), the Lannisbros… heck, I’ll even hug Cersei and Dany, why not?

(I’ll hug them with less gusto, though…)

Bless the acting on the show and its actors, who help me forget how much I absolutely detest the writers

And Ramin Djawadi. Bless him, too

And his score

*sighs* Oh, Tyrion. Leave it to you to turn a nice, normal conversation into something dirty

Wait……… what the heck is Bronn doing here? How did he get here? Where did he come from?

Judging by how the Lannisbros are reacting, apparently, I’m not the only one confused

“Great. Now Bronn’s a ninja, too.” – My Wonderful Brother

“I still stand by what I once said: Bronn should’ve been written off in “The Spoils of War”.” – My Wonderful Dad

Tyrion gets punched in the face. Jaime immediately gets to his feet for a fight. As it should be, and I love it

So… remember how I asked who curses more between the Hound and Bronn? I think it’s Bronn, going by this conversation

Bronn: Cersei’s screwed // Jaime: *message checked and read at 9:58pm*

A.k.a. my boy doesn’t care and I’m living for it

Hey, Bronn… kindly refrain from shooting arrows at my problematic child’s head. Thank you

Yep, this is definitely a D&D episode. Even if I didn’t look at the opening credits, I could’ve figured it out. Want to know why? The abundance of manhood jokes

So, what I’m getting is that Bronn basically just came by to see if his ship was confirmed and to negotiate for a castle. Sounds legit

Arya accompanying the Hound on his journey was Beric’s last wish, so that she may continue their legacy of buddy-cop movies

(or, at least, that’s what I’m telling myself to overlook the fact that Arya heading off to tick names off her kill list is a huge step backwards for her character)

Yeah, Dany, stop smiling. Rhaegal still has holes in his wings. If you really loved your “child”, you would let him recover completely before dragging him into a war

Wow, Sansa is really ticked. Like, really, really ticked. I’m expecting some very interesting metas on the subject…

Yes, Tyrion, you’re afraid of Dany. Admit it. There’s no shame in it – I’d be afraid of her too, if I knew she sucked everyone’s purpose and personality out of them just by interacting with them

(which I do, so I guess I’m scared of her, too)

Alright, so I can already hear the Dany stans bashing Sansa for “betraying Jon’s trust”, but she promised not to tell if Jon told her. Bran told her, so therefore, loophole

Also, she’s doing it to protect Jon. A nice little foil to how Dany tried to make Jon keep the secret earlier, knowing full well it would hurt him

And got to love how Sansa adds “someone better” to the end of her statement. She believes in Jon, and not just when it comes to drinking

*sighs* It feels like all the Starklings are leaving, and it saddens me

“When Jon Snow cares more about Rhaegal’s well-being than Dany does, take warning.” – My Wonderful Brother

Tormund: *makes quip about Jon’s weight* // My Wonderful Dad: “You know, now that he mentions it, the guy could stand to eat more. Matter of fact, so could Jaime. And Bran. They all need to go see Hot Pie, stat. Seriously, doesn’t anyone feed these guys?”

“Not since Dany burnt the wagons of food, apparently.” – Me

“And now part of me wants to ship supplies to Westeros.” – My Wonderful Dad, making a joke that I laughed way too much at

Cue my wonderful Brother and I sharing a smile over how protective our wonderful Dad is of his fictional grandchildren

Awwwww… Ghost. My poor baby

Yep, Tormund’s still trying to make Jonmund happen

Jon instinctively knowing Gilly’s pregnant brings me so much joy, for some reason

On another note… GILLY’S PREGNANT! SAM’S GOING TO BE A DAD!

(shout-out to @cantfightfatetoo, who speculated with me. You’re amazing!!!)

Aw!!! Baby Jon and Little Sam!!! My heart…

“I hope it’s a girl”. Yet again, another arrow through my heart – but this one not as joyous. Jon just comes off as so broken down in this episode, I can’t help but feel badly for him . It feels like I’m watching someone trapped in a toxic relationship while the rest of the world keeps moving on around him. It just feels like he’s at his lowest point, imo… even lower than when he came back to life. And that’s just sad

Good thing he still gets the best hugs, though

“WHAT?! REALLY, JON?! YOU’RE JUST GOING TO LEAVE GHOST LIKE THAT?! REALLY?!” – My Wonderful Brother

“TAKE HIM! HE’S WORTH MORE THAN ANY DOOFY DRAGON!!! JUST TAKE THE GOODEST BOY IN ALL OF WESTEROS!!!” – My Wonderful Dad

Okay, so a part of me wants to believe that if Jon did properly say good-bye to Ghost, he’d never again muster the strength to leave Winterfell and his family. Another part of me is really ticked. And another part of me still is annoyed at the fact that this was all to cut down on the CGI budget, most likely… even though it was totally fine to spend the cash on that dragon-riding scene from episode 1

*sighs* ANYWAY…

On the less depressing side, it’s sort of like Jon left his past behind to figure out his future. Ghost, Sam and Gilly, Tormund… they’re all physical manifestations of who he was, and he has to come to terms with who he is, so……….

Nah, frick it. YOU SHOULD’VE SAID GOOD-BYE TO GHOST!!! DARN IT, D&D, LET THE MAN SAY GOOD-BYE TO HIS DIREWOLF!!! LET HIM!!!

#JUSTICE FOR GHOST

*ten minutes later*

So… I’ve calmed down. Now, where were we?

Grey Worm smiled. That definitely means something bad is going to happen

Oh, dear. Tyrion told Varys. Welp, there goes that secret. Good

No, Tyrion. Everything that happened didn’t happen because Lyanna didn’t love Robert back. It happened because Rhaegar was the literal embodiment of Mambo #5

“She’s his aunt.” Thank you, Varys. The last of only two sane people left in Westeros

Tyrion is trying waaaaay too hard to convince himself that Dany’s a good person/a good ruler, and I respect him less for it

“Look, Tyrion. Jaime saw the warning signs with Dany, Varys sees the warning signs with Dany. They both served under Aerys personally. If you were really as clever as you like to boast you are, you’d hear them out.” – My Wonderful Dad

Tyrion, the #1 Dany stan, everyone. *Blackfish voice* I’m disappointed

Say what you will about Dany and her reptile children, but their score is epic. Unfortunately

Oh, shoot! Rhaegal got shot?!

(I mean, I’d read it in the leaks, but I didn’t think it was true…)

So… a dance of dragons 2.0 with just one dragon? I wonder if musical chair rules apply in deciding who gets to ride it

Euron makes the creepiest faces

NOPE. SCRATCH THAT. DANY DOES

Aaaaaaaand… she just left everyone behind. Inspiring

“Did a ship mast just land on Tyrion’s head?” – My Wonderful Dad

“Good. Maybe it’ll knock some sense into him.” – My Wonderful Brother

Grey Worm looking for Missandei is breaking my heart all over again. Especially if the leaks are to be believed

And back in King’s Landing with Cersei, and… ACTUAL VIBRANT CLOTHING OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!

Lena Headey, you are rocking that red

Euron and Cersei still have more chemistry than Jon and Dany, and that’s disturbing

Ah, Qyburn. I had this really weird dream that he and Cersei were a thing, and… well, never mind. I have really weird dreams

(For instance, there was this one time when Jon and Jaime opened up a restaurant called “J&J’s” and all the other characters were their employees. Let’s just say it was chaos)

Soooooo… Cersei’s baby. Is there a baby? Was there ever a baby? Why does she seem all disoriented when the baby’s brought up? Tell me about the baby!!!

Nooooooo. Not Missandei. *resolves not to cry because, dang it, I know I’m going to sob later*

Oh, hi, Dany. Yeah… I’m not in the mood for you right now

Varys, you’re my third favorite character. Congratulations

Man, I knew Varys cared about the people, but I had no idea just how much. Seriously, why has no one made this guy the hand of the king yet?

Oh, yeah, because every person he’s served thus far has either been evil or an idiot. Or, in Dany and Joffrey’s cases, both

…… Dany’s talking about destiny now. First official villain achievement, unlocked

Talking in third person. Second villain achievement, unlocked. All she has to do now is spin a globe… or stroke a map, considering these are medieval-esque times

So, Dany’s going to save the world from tyrants by… becoming a tyrant. Okay, then

Bravo to Emilia Clarke’s acting, though. She’s nailing Dark!Dany

Varys echoing what I said about destiny speeches being in a villain’s wheelhouse. Thank you

(Turns out I really did learn something from binge-watching multiple animes)  

Dany’s convinced she’s here to save us all, a.k.a., she has a savior complex. And yet my extended family laughed at me when I diagnosed her with that during our Thanksgiving get-together. It’s going to be fun to see them again this year

(Now I just need Varys to confirm that Jaime most likely has PTSD, and I’ll be completely vindicated)

No, Tyrion, Jon “bent the knee” because he needed flying, fire-breathing lizards to help him destroy undead popsicles. Not because he wanted to give up his crown for lolz

Any more manhood jokes and I’m going to pull a Tommen right out my bedroom window

Varys is me. Varys has always been me. I love Varys. The end

Okay, I’m starting a petition to get Jaime some new clothes. Who’s with me?

Yipee. Cersei’s winning. And if she wasn’t winning, Dany would be. I. Just. Can’t. Win *bangs head against wall*

Oh, no, Sansa. I still think you’ll have your crack at Cersei. At least, you’d better

No, Jaime. No. I know that look. That’s your “I’m about to do something so ridiculously dumb that no one else would ever dare to do for reasons” look. Don’t even think about doing what you’re thinking of doing

In other news, has anyone else ever noticed how the guy seems to age about twenty years whenever Cersei's in the picture (or mentioned)? Just saying…

Brienne has super-hearing. Take that, wights from the last episode who could hear droplets of blood

Jaime, no. What are you doing, you idiot…

Awwww, Brienne. The way she just straight up takes his face in her hands and tells him how much she believes in him… it’s just… *tears up*

And the way he looks at her like he wants to believe her even if he doesn’t fully believe it himself… I mean…

(Don’t even try to tell me that this isn’t a direct parallel to Jon and Dany’s scene before, because I won’t accept it)

No no no no no no no… don’t cry, Brienne. Jaime, listen to her. She loves you, she really does. Don’t make her cry…

Nooooo… the way he holds onto her wrist and strokes it and looks down. I can’t…

Jaime, you know you want to stay. You know you do. So stay

Oh, shoot. There’s that heartless façade he used with Edmure in S6. Oh, no… not against Brienne. Don’t use it against her, no matter what the reason

Yeah, yeah, Cersei’s dandy. You did a lot of terrible things for her. We know. That doesn’t mean we’re just going to accept you leaving

You would’ve killed everyone in Riverrun for Cersei, but you didn’t kill anyone in Riverrun… because of Brienne. So there

“She’s hateful, and so am I.” Yeah, maybe I’m just putting you on a pedestal, pal, but I don’t think that’s entirely true

I mean, you love Tyrion when you could’ve hated him just as much as Cersei and Tywin; you saved a city from being blown to smithereens because you couldn’t just sit by and let innocents burn alive; you jumped into a bear pit with no plan and no defense to save a woman who up until that point hadn’t done much for you except call you by your name; you rode North to fight an army of undead popsicles to protect the people of the Seven Kingdoms – most of whom detest you and would be perfectly happy if you died. So are you hateful? Nope. Bitter, yes. But hateful? Try again. (I mean, you’re, like, the only member of your family who’s never killed anyone on-screen for vengeance. Honestly, for all that you claim to hate, I think the only thing you sincerely hate is yourself)

Ummmm… sorry, what was I saying again?

Honestly, though, this whole scene is just heartbreaking. I mean, Gwen and Nik just nail it. Give them their frickin’ Emmys already

(If they don’t win any, I’ll riot. And, for the love of all things good, give one to Lena Headey, too)

I’m crying my eyes out right now. My wonderful Dad and Brother are crying their eyes out right now. It’s a tearfest

I still have faith in you, my problematic child. But in D&D’s writing… not so much

If they built all this up just to have Jaime die with Cersei I’m seriously going to be ticked

Honestly, out of all the ways I would like to see his ending go, that is at the literal bottom of my list with “burnt alive by Dany”. Jaime deserves better

So does Brienne fight me

Well, I can’t really see straight because I still have tears in my eyes. But I still know Varys looks like a boss

“Umm… Cersei. You have all those scorpions and Drogon’s right there. Why not just shoot him?” – My Wonderful Dad

“Who cares? He’ll probably be written off next week, anyway, for the CGI budget’s sake.” – My Wonderful Brother

So, what I’m getting from this meeting is that the battle for the Iron Throne has come down to the war of the two pyromaniacs. Lovely

Tyrion doesn’t want to see the city burn, yet he’s still rah-rahing for Dany. I have no words

Cersei, once again, doesn’t kill Tyrion when she has the chance. Then again, she hasn’t killed Drogon yet, either, so…

Tyrion claiming Cersei’s not a monster, yet I have such little faith left in his judgement that I don’t believe him

Got to say, red really brings out Cersei’s green eyes and golden hair

(at least one of the Lannisters still has their blond locks)

And… they’re not seriously going to end things like this, right? Right?

And… they did

Just like that, it’s over

So… Missandei’s last word was “Dracarys”. How utterly terrible

And they killed Missandei. Just to further Dany’s plotline. Jorah and Rhaegal and the Dothraki weren’t enough for her to snap, oh, no, they needed to kill Missandei, too

I would rage, but I’m sure there will be plenty of metas already written about how wrong this is by the time I post this, so I won’t bother anyone with my anger

“Screw you, D&D.” – My Wonderful Dad

“Yeah, thanks for ruining everything.” – My Wonderful Brother

I share the same sentiments

They’re lucky their cast is so wonderful, otherwise I’d honestly quit watching

Meanwhile, Dany’s officially on the brink of turning dark. I do wonder what her stans will say to justify things this time

If I had to guess, it’s that she has a good heart. Haven’t heard that one 60,000 times before

Welp, that’s the end of the episode. I miss Bryan Cogman and Dave Hill

Thank you every single actor who made this episode worthwhile. I love you all more than you’ll ever know

I’m going to go eat some more ice cream

[fairyroses]

I wanted to ask, why do you think there is a possibility for karadox? But are also scared to hope?

Sorry this took so long to answer! 

The shortest and simplest answer to this question is: Because I’ve noticed some things over the past few months that seem to point towards canon Karadox, and also some other things that seem to point away from it. This has led me to believe that Karadox could be a possibility, but also makes me hesitant to fully back that belief, lest I end up disappointed.

The long answer: I’m gonna split this up into two lists (a positive “why do I think it’s possible” list, and a negative “why am I afraid to hope” list), and I probably won’t go into as much detail as I usually do in an effort to keep those lists as succinct as possible. If you want me to elaborate on any specific bullet point, feel free to send me an ask about that topic in particular and I’ll expand on it.

Why I Think Karadox is a Possibility: 

Brainiac 5 is Kara’s primary love interest in the comics, and has been for decades. (@kara-querl is the expert on comics Karadox, though, not me.)

As soon as Jesse was cast as Brainy, there was a lot of buzz about him potentially being Kara’s new love interest, because, again, the two characters have a reputation as a comics-canon ship. 

Brainy’s first episode on the show (3.10) was largely him-and-Kara-centric, and they were so likable together that people were already asking if we could keep Brainy after that single ep, despite the way his makeup looked at the time.

Brainy and Kara have also continued to be very likable together, and their dynamic already functions as a solid base that could be easily built up into a healthy romantic relationship. (This is one of those massive topics that I’m not going to expand on unless I’m asked about it, because we’d be here all day otherwise.)

I’m not going to point out every individual canon moment between them, but this shot in particular from 3.10, where the camera shifts focus onto Brainy just as Mon-El walks away, was interpreted as an “out with the old, in with the new” moment by a LOT of people at the time:

They gave Brainy a human disguise, thus making him acceptably “date-able” by CW standards. (This was also obviously a way to save money and time on the makeup, but still, it only helps the ship. It also helps that Jesse Rath is hot as hell under all that makeup.) 

The writers have been subtly dropping hints all along that Brainy already has Feelings for Kara (I have a couple of gifsets lined up with examples of these hints, so keep an eye out for those). Even if you don’t personally see those feelings as romantic yet, it’s still undeniably canon that he cares a great deal about her and isn’t afraid to show it.

A small preview of one such hint: HE FUCKING CRIED OVER HER.

The CW has been marketing the show using Kara and Brainy (or Jesse and Melissa) together since Jesse was promoted at the end of last season. As evidenced by this leaked image from last summer, it was a planned campaign, so the fact that the promos are using the two of them in particular isn’t a coincidence or anything. 

I don’t think Brainy/Nia is going to go the way most people are expecting, and as a result, I don’t think they’ll be a significant impediment to Karadox from a character standpoint. (This is my personal speculation, of course, but it’s speculation based on the things we’ve seen in canon, research that I’ve done into the comics, and what’s been said about the characters in interviews. So it’s not like I’m just pulling it out of my ass, either. Feel free to ask me for specific examples/evidence if you’re curious.)

Small note that even if Brainy/Nia proves me wrong and does happen this season, that still doesn’t necessarily mean that Karadox won’t happen at a later point. 

Brainy has become a fan-favorite character who’s well-liked by most everybody, which means that pairing him with Kara would be largely uncontroversial (especially compared to her last relationship). I’m sure the showrunners would love to put Kara with someone that people aren’t going to automatically hate. 

Building off of the previous point - If Brainy isn’t going to date Kara, then who will? He’s the only guy around right now that she could possibly date (and obviously she’s eventually going to date someone). The only alternative to Brainy is bringing in someone new, and personally, I think introducing a brand new character to be Kara’s next love interest - when Brainy is already right there - would NOT go over well with a lot of people.

Why I’m Afraid to Hope (aka Why I Have Doubts About Karadox Becoming Canon): 

Despite the promos, Kara and Brainy have had noticeably little screentime together since 3.10, and haven’t had a single emotional moment or conversation alone since that ep. Instead, all of Brainy’s more personal scenes (such as ones where he reveals important pieces of his backstory) have been going to Nia, which in turn has stagnated his developing friendship/relationship with Kara in a concerning way that I can’t help but feel is deliberate. 

We’ve seen how much Brainy cares about Kara, but the vast majority of those moments have conveniently happened when Kara is either unconscious or simply not around. So she’s still completely in the dark about how Brainy may feel about her. (And we’ve seen hardly anything about how she feels about him.)

Whether Brainy/Nia becomes canon or not, the fact that the show has been baiting people into shipping it at all creates a problem for Karadox in the future, because people are going to be less likely to support a new Brainy ship if they’re still bitter about Brainy/Nia not being together. So Brainy/Nia’s very existence is enough to make me doubt the possibility of Karadox. 

When asked about the potential for Karadox in season 4 after the season 3 finale, Rovner only gave a vague, and not particularly encouraging answer. That, plus the announcement a few months later about Kara staying single for a while, tells me that they never had any real intentions of exploring Karadox in season 4. 

The CW has a history of swerving on comics-canon ships, most notably Green Arrow/Black Canary. So just because Karadox is canon in the comics, doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll become canon on the show. 

There’s the whole issue/inherent tragedy of Brainy being from the future, which he technically should have to return to eventually (ignoring BTS facts like Jeremy Jordan not coming back, which likely means that Jesse will stay indefinitely). I’ve discussed this before, specifically mentioning how the time period difference hasn’t stopped Karadox from getting together in the comics, but it still needs to be mentioned as a point of doubt, because I’m not sure how they’d address it on the show itself. 

On a personal note, I’ve been badly (and I mean BADLY) burned by ships before, so it’s just in my nature now to temper my expectations whenever I see canon potential for a ship, because I’d much rather be pleasantly surprised than blindsided and heartbroken. So basically, until Kara and Brainy actually kiss onscreen and/or declare their feelings for each other out loud, I’ll always have doubts about Karadox happening.

But finally, because I don’t really want to end on a sour note, here’s a snippet from an interview that came out a few days ago, which I found intriguing and wanted to share:

….Now, I’m not necessarily saying that we could see hints of Karadox in the season finale as part of a setup for season 5…but I’m also not not saying it, if you know what I mean. :))

[him-e]

The “subtle” anon you received made me sit and think for a bit, and it’s absolutely your pejorative if you want to respond to this ask as well. Why do you think many viewers “don’t see it” with Reylo? Most SW fans and casual viewers who I’ve seen on social media seem to say this, that they “don’t see it.” Unlike the previous SW romances, which were widely accepted as romantic even if the fan reaction to them was poor, there’s a debate on whether or not Reylo was romantic in the first place.

WELLLLL I think it’s a combination of:

the general audience not being used to read between the lines, or think of overarching themes and stuff; the vast majority of the audience has only seen each movie of the st once, and probably doesn’t remember or even register the smaller details, so romantic cues might fly over their head if literal romantic action isn’t involved (e.g. an onscreen kiss)

rey’s parentage puzzle—most fans were primed to believe that Rey was either Luke’s or Leia’s daughter, and they’re so attached to the assumption that she must have Skywalker blood somehow (even after TLJ) that a romance with the other known Skywalker isn’t even taken into account

the “Twilight effect”: a hero/villain ship in which the hero is a heroine and the villain a dangerous but pretty tortured boi is considered trashy young adult material and ~Not Like Star Wars~ (because we all know Star Wars is catered primarily to 40-something dudes and not kids and young adults at all, most of whom are actually… drum roll… GIRLS!)

to better explain the point(s) above: reylo is in the very peculiar position of being a female-centric romance ( = a narrative that prioritizes the female perspective) in a franchise that is neither specifically female-centric nor romantic. This makes it particularly hard to grasp especially for male fans, who aren’t used to see a romance develop this way, or to understand romance beyond what’s catered specifically to them. Male fans, and the general audience too to some extent, expect romance to be spoon-fed to them via unequivocal signs (obvious flirting, kissing, love-making, declarations of love, etc.). They also expect the male lead to be very straightforward and explicit in his pursuit of the girl, who in turn has to be made desirable through his male gaze—because that’s how most hollywood romances look like. Rey and Kylo are nothing like that. Kylo, on his part, has never expressed any interest in Rey’s “beauty” (and you know calling the female love interest beautiful is a staple in EVERY standard romance). He’s also very, shall I say, passive in his pursuit of her, especially in TLJ. He was more aggressive in TFA, but that could be brushed off as typical villainous behavior. In TLJ, he’s sexualized for Rey’s benefit but makes no move to seduce her, and in general he acts like a stunned princess in the tower, waiting for the brave knight to come and break the spell. Rey, in turn, might be beautiful but that doesn’t seem to have any relevance to her story, nor is noted by anyone, especially not by Kylo—this, to the general audience who is used to hollywood romances, doesn’t scream “romantic heroine”. Rey and Kylo don’t kiss, they don’t talk directly about their feelings, they don’t comment on each other’s attractiveness, so even though it’s written all over their faces in ANY interaction they have that they want to touch each other BADLY, this fact can go undetected in the absence of the aforementioned unequivocal markings of a romantic arc;

As Kylo is still a villain in no immediate danger of redemption, the odds of reylo getting a happy ending (or even just romantic consummation) seem rather low. Not being able to see it as endgame = the ship is JUST not happening, for a lot of people;

the fact that there’s so much going on between Rey and Kylo beyond romance (his redemption, her hero’s journey, the balance of light and darkness, his rivalry over her, her tension between wanting to save him and protecting the ones she loves, etc.) that viewers can choose to focus on those things and completely ignore the romantic aspect, even though it’s actually integral to all of the above. This is actually a good thing though, because it means their dynamic is complex and layered enough that it can be experienced and enjoyed from multiple point of views, even non-romantic ones.

One final thought is that this discourse (seeing/not seeing it, debating on whether there’s “evidence” and romantic signs) only exists because of the specific format of the trilogy (it’s an ongoing serialized narrative, we’re 2/3 into it and they still haven’t kissed, whereas both han/leia and ani/dala did in the second chapter, so there’s nothing definitive yet) and the controversy surrounding reylo in the fandom is not helping. Many people are just so opposed to the idea (whether it is because they ship another pairing, they vehemently hate Kylo, they want to watch Rey follow Luke’s trajectory of celibate heroism or else) that they’ll keep NOT seeing it even if it kicks them in the fangs (as TLJ did, as far as I’m concerned).

[silkygoldmilkweed]

Everything Is SanSan, SanSan Is Everything, 1/? -  “The Bear and the Maiden Fair”

This might be one of a series. 

This is basically a “subtweet” post which is part designed to make myself feel better bc the negativity from a fellow Tumblr person I admire bummed me and partly because I think my show-only vantage point actually could be valuable in thinking about the story and the characters we all love.

OK. So. I’ve noticed some aggressive SanSan/GOT pessimism around here lately, which I totally accept especially if your fandom started with the book series. The book story is subtle and much more romantic than show-only SanSan. But as a show-only, I feel bound to defend the romance embedded in the series, because I think it is absolutely there, just presented in different terms than the books.

The book series gives SanSan the gift of Sansa’s internal experience. 

For my money, one of the reasons (one but not the only) GRRM made Sansa a POV character is because it amused him greatly to try to explain the fierce, unstable, dangerous, strong Hound from the extremely unreliable POV of a dreamy, gentle, ultravulnerable, isolated, young, romantic-minded little girl, Sansa Stark.

ANYWAY. On the show we don’t get to know Sansa’s thinking, or anyone’s thinking for that matter: We can see only the actions of the characters. 

On the show, Sansa is forever passive and susceptible, and Sandor’s POV is opaque, clouded by both his own recalcitrance and emotional challenges and by the fact that GRRM keeps him deliberately to the side. 

(I personally believe Sandor is one of the four most important characters in the story. Jon, Dany, Sansa, Sandor are my power quad; more on that later).

So. Camera’s POV. It’s different than the internal POV of the books, but it is also a gift in that we get new insights to the same material because of the different story medium.

We can learn a lot about the endgame from how the show cuts the stories into individual episodes, each with a theme. We can learn a lot from how the stories braid together within an episode: What scene leads into what other scene? Which themes are reflected widely, and which get brief treatment? Which phrases of dialogue and which musical refrains are repeated? 

For my money, the show uses minor and disposable characters to reflect back on the grand themes of the show, even when the main characters who will ultimately carry out the related plots are sidelined.

So. 

Let’s just say, hypothetically, that the main theme of the story is “the things I do for love” and the main characters of A Song of Ice and Fire are Sandor and Sansa (”he is the prince who was promised and his is the song of ice and fire”), whereas the main characters of “A/The Game of Thrones” are Jon and Dany. 

Let’s concede, for the purposes of argument, that GRRM and D&D are bound and determined to hide the SanSan for the nearly the duration of the story, for two reasons: (1) plot twists and surprises make for good drama, (2) Sandor x baby!Sansa as a pairing is legitimately illegal child pornography and every kind of creepiness, which all of them well know and strongly oppose. And that was GRRM’s point all along: Drogo is a barbarian who buys the little girl and rapes her and puts a baby in her and doesn’t think twice about it, and Sandor Clegane is a good man who puts his selfish desire to fuck her bloody second to his sworn duty to protect her and keep her safe and do the same for all her family (Arya). (I will go to my grave swearing that they aged up Dany, Jon, Robb, Theon and not the others–including Joff and Tommen–because there was simply no way to write their sex lives out of the story; therefore they had to be played by adults or the story collapsed.) 

FORBIDDEN LOVE OF SANDOR AND SANSA get two seasons of setup just so they’ve actually met each other and had a couple of common experiences (arguably only one the two seasons has any meaningful interaction between them as a “pairing” of any kind) and then there is very very little to no TEXT ABOUT THEIR PAIRING for five years. (There are, however, many missed connections, several suggestive images and symbols of their relationship, and the incontrovertible fact that the Hound never even looks at another woman after Sansa and that Sansa fears or loathes every man who crosses her path after the Hound, and that they are both objectively lonely for the duration of seasons three through seven.)

The five years and the weak first two years are understandably alarming to book readers. It is, indeed, thin gruel compared to the books, but I don’t think the SanSan is eliminated from the show, not one bit.

QUESTION: How do you possibly tell the story of this epic fucked-up love without putting any evidence of epic unrequited inappropriate unrequited passion and love onscreen until the very end of the story when it is finally the future and it’s OK for our lovers to finally consummate their “marriage” and express their feelings physically? This is a dilemma, guys.

ANSWER: You gotta use the SUBTEXT. You bury the exposition and narration of the epic love in other stories, so that long after all the characters in those other characters are dead and buried, you still have the assertions that support your ideas about the role of love in human life. 

So. Let’s take a look at a good example. Let’s do the episode “The Bear and the Maiden Fair,” which I picked because it has the line “Most men fuck like dogs,” which I consider an explicit reference to the topic of the Hound, Sansa and sexuality (as a tangible expression of love). 

(See also: the earlier statement “The Dothraki take slaves like a hound takes a bitch,” as there are a lot of SanSan shadows cast by the Dany-Drogo relationship. I think Dany-Drogo is how George scratched his beauty-and-the-beast itch in the first book.) 

“The Bear and the Maiden Fair” turns out to be what I consider to be an exceedingly clear case, not least because “The Bear and the Maiden Fair” is both a pretty clear restatement of George’s “the beast and the beauty” trope, not to mention the explicit nature of the song lyrics themselves.

So, if I rewatch the episode with the presumption that

Sandor and Sansa are the beating heart of the epic hero tale, a saga of ice and fire that will be sung for a thousand years

and with an assumption that the scenes featuring Sansa and Sandor themselves (the “text”) are just one way that D&D/GRRM can tell us their story, what subtext do we find? Let’s look.

LOVE STORY, ROBB-TALISA: Robb is a ginger!Stark who takes after Cat. He has many parallels with fellow king Jon–especially in the show–but he also has some subtler ties with Sansa that I think are not unimportant. (In re the Jon thing, I don’t think it’s a mistake that D&D replaced Jeyne Westerling with Talisa from Volantis, a “foreign whore” who speaks Valyrian–they were setting up the Jon-Dany parallels and problems years in advance.) 

After they dispense with some political setup for the Red Wedding (sniff), Robb and Talisa start doing their newlywed thing under Cat’s critical eye and after a minute we cut to them enraptured with each other, enjoying the afterglow of their lovemaking/sex on a pile of Northern furs. The love theme that was first played in season two, “I am hers, she is mine”, plays as they kiss. The title of this song is taken from the Westeros marriage vows, wherein the officiant also says, “I hereby seal these two souls, binding them as one for eternity.” (This will be crucial when Stark blood and soul marriage and consciousness-merging through warging turn out to be the key to defeating the Night King.)

Robb: “If you don’t put some clothes on I can’t promise I won’t attack you again.” 

The conflation of sex and combat is perfect George. The cock is the sword, and the sword is the cock. 

The idea of losing your sexual prowess and being a “broken sword” comes up later in the episode in reference to Jaime (sword hand amputated) and Theon (rendered dickless by Ramsay), but Robb is very intact, very virile and an exemplar of a good man and good husband in this story, with his great weakness being…love. Love is the death of duty. He broke his oath to marry Talisa, and he pays with this life. But in these last days before his doom we see he has achieved reproductive success along with his battle victories. The seed is strong. The sword is powerful and hard and used correctly. Etc. 

It’s not enough to have a strong sword OR a hard dick. You must have BOTH to win in George’s world. Walder Frey is reproductively successful but a coward. Stannis Baratheon is a true soldier, but he fails as a family man. Robb is winning on both fronts. George gives him that as a gift to honor him before he cuts him down at the Red Wedding.

And when, in due course, Talisa reveals that she is pregnant, she strangely asks, “Are you angry with me?” And Robb graciously and intensely replies, “Angry? You are my queen.” This is a throwaway line because we know the reign of Robb and Talisa is all but over. 

But any good man’s beloved wife is his queen, regardless of whether or not she wears a crown. “I love you. Do you hear me? I love you,” says good king Robb to his wife. 

They are greedy and happy and good and doing all the right things, except they are cursed by the gods for oathbreaking, as we will see two episodes in the future.

LOVE STORY, JON-YGRITTE-OFELL: Here’s our boy Tormund with his timeless sex advice: 

“Most men fuck like dogs. No grace. No skill. A few dozen thrusts and done. You need to be patient. Give her time. Your cock shouldn’t go her until she’s slick as a baby seal and then you go inside, but slowly. Don’t jam it in like you’re spearing a pig!”

This is great sex advice for Jonno and I’m sure Dany (and Ygritte) appreciate his diligent study. But it’s also about Sandor and Sansa and the audience. You need to be patient. Give her time to grow up. Your cock shouldn’t go near her until it’s winter and the she-wolf is in heat and wants it so badly she gets wet at the thought of you. And then still take it slow. Which he will, of course. Because season eight Sandor is a man. Seasons one through four Sandor was a dog. This is better articulated in the books, but it’s visible to some extent in the show as well. Dog!Sandor is an animal. But he re-emerges as a man, and as he gets closer and closer to Winterfell he becomes more and more of a prince, and more of brave Florian to Sansa’s Jonquil. 

OK, so after Tormund, we start up with the Jon-Ygritte-Ofell love-triangle setup. In this situation, Jon is Joffrey, Ygritte is Sansa and Ofell is Sandor, which is a dark mirror which will totally fuck your head, but I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what George/D&D are playing with. You’re rooting for the opposite man in this scenario, compared to the original, which sounds like typical George. Go King Joffrey! Boo true knight Sandor!

Sidebar: I think the fact that Ygritte is a ginger is absolutely intentional and also a crucial part of Jon’s misidentification as the PTWP, but let’s just set that aside for the moment and see what else they’re serving up.

LOVE STORY, JON-YGRITTE-OFELL: This dialogue is Ygritte and Ofell, but read it with her as Sansa and him as Sandor and Jon as Joffrey and with my edits and tell me it’s not exactly about all the issues in the first act of the SanSan relationship. Sandor would never been this whiny externally but hell if he didn’t nurse some of this internally:

Sansa: “You’re jealous.” Sandor: “Of course I’m jealous. Should be with one of your own. Sansa: “And you’re one of my own? I’ve never heard a kind word from your mouth.” Sandor: “You would. If you were mine. I’d tell you that you’re beautiful, and fierce, and wild. I’d be good to you. You love him?” [Sansa nods.] Sandor: “’Cause he’s pretty? Is that it? You like his pretty hair and his pretty eyes? You think pretty’s going to make you happy? You won’t like pretty so much when you find out what he really is.”

* Of course I’m jealous. I think Sandor is beside himself with jealousy in season two but has no honorable recourse and hardly knows what to do he is so enraged by his own feelings, his own vulnerability and above all, Sansa’s abuse at the hands of her truly evil future husband. “Fuck the king” and his desertion at the Blackwater is the ultimate expression of this. Hell if Sandor is going to die fighting on behalf of his romantic rival when he just go straight to Sansa and offer to die on her behalf instead.

* Should be with one of your own. Sandor sees the wolf in her that no one else knows is there, not even her. 

“Your father was a killer. Your brother is a killer. Your sons will be killers someday. You should be with one of your own: a killer, someone with wolf blood, like the family of killers with wolf blood that you were born into.”

* I’ve never heard a kind word from your mouth. We don’t know that Ofell is a dick to Ygritte, but it doesn’t matter and we also don’t care. This isn’t their story, not really. This scene exists to develop Ofell as a romantic adversary to Jon on one level, but we already know that Jon has the upper hand, because plot armor. 

So this scene also serves as an exploration of what Sandor and Sansa might have said to each other in a parallel universe or in a continuation of their story after “Blackwater.” Partly because of circumstances, but moreso because the Hound is an emotional cripple, his courtship technique is AWFUL. I think he’s being warged, which is a cheat on her part (plus she’s totally artless and has no idea she’s doing anything), but I also think that regardless of how it started, the Hound is madly in love with Sansa Stark. Warged and madly in love with a virtual stranger are the same feelings, ultimately, which is George’s whole point.

You can’t help who you love. 

Love’s this involuntary nightmare where you are taken over body and soul, consumed internally by your feelings for someone outside you. It is a fire on the inside and it burns. Poor Hound can’t handle any more burning circa King’s Landing, so he lashes out in anger at the girl he loves. 

Sansa almost never hears a kind word from Sandor’s mouth, he’s always either yelling or indifferent or patronizing or glaring or sneering or otherwise making it very clear that he is not her friend. Except he is her only friend and he wants to be her husband, although even he doesn’t know that, not really. He doesn’t know how else to relate to her other than with fear and rage and lust. There is no reality he can conceive of in which they are a loving couple, in which he plays the fool to her cunt. It’s just impossible on every level, which of course is also absolutely intentional on George’s part. 

George R.R. Martin gives Sansa and Sandor every obstacle described in the “course of true love never did run smooth” scene from A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

We only get to see his feelings for her in King’s Landing in his actions toward her (he protects her as best he can and he tries to educate her and he is the only one who fights for her), but this hints at what they might have said to each other if they were able to speak about their feelings.

* You would. If you were mine. I’d tell you that you’re beautiful, and fierce, and wild. I’d be good to you. It always breaks my heart that inasmuch as Sandor thinks himself unworthy of the princess, he is also sure that he would be “good to her” if she gave him a chance, certainly relative to Joffrey, but I think also on his own terms if they were able to ever find a moment where they weren’t in terror for their lives. Finding this moment is the basis of every Blackwater AU in existence. But in the show the moment must be withheld until season 8. 

If they don’t fuck us over, and I don’t think they will, seeing Sansa and Sandor flirt awkwardly and try to be good to each other, after so many years of suffering and abuse at the hands of bad men (Sansa) and wandering lost and homeless in the wilderness (Sandor), is sure to be one of the great delights of season eight. 

Sansa and Sandor are beloved characters, Sophie and Rory are beloved actors, and even though the general audience doesn’t yet know they want those two to be happy together, once they get a hint of it they are going to lose their minds.

Also, a word about “beautiful and fierce and wild”: Circa season three, Sansa is mostly beautiful. But she has a fierceness to her. She stands up to Joffrey more than Sandor ever did until the Battle of the Blackwater. “It’s not my place to question princes,” says he. Meanwhile, she sasses the hell out of Joffrey for as long as she dares.

But I think beautiful and fierce and wild is mostly Sansa’s true future identity. She is a lady dire wolf. As a full-grown alpha female with her pack, she will be fierce in defense of her family (buh-bye Ramsay and Littlefinger) and wild given the chance (Sandor’s not going to know what hit him once she gets him in bed). 

I think “beautiful and fierce and wild” is the Sansa equivalent of Sandor being “brave and gentle and strong.” They aren’t there yet in these early years. He’s not gentle. She’s not fierce. But what their soul marriage does, and what any good marriage does, is allows a couple to share character qualities and benefit from each other and be stronger together. She gentles him. He makes her fierce. 

One half of the union gives the gift of her strength when the other half is dying alone in the wilderness. One half of the union sends his aggression and skill at self-preservation when the other is a prisoner being beaten into submission. 

One heart, one soul, one flesh. I am yours and you are mine. I hereby seal these two souls.

In the mythological context of the show, the skinchanging is what does it. But George is really playing with the beauty of a good marriage. 

* “Cause he’s pretty?” “what he really is” Joffrey was pretty. Sandor is ugly, and sensitive as hell about it. But Joffrey is a monster. And Sandor is a prince. This isn’t just D&D trolling Kit about his looks or Ofell correctly identifying Jon as a mole and a liar, this is about Sansa’s golden prince being a lie and Sandor’s scars hiding his nobility from the world.

Remember what I said about we are gifted with the camera’s POV for sharing SanSan information as subtext?

As Ygritte processes this courtship gesture by Ofell, the camera stays on her while Sansa begins speaking over her. GINGER!Sansa’s voice over GINGER!Ygritte’s face is how we are led into this crucial Sansa speech in a scene with Marge in King’s Landing. (Remember what I said about the camera’s revealing POV?!)

Sansa: "Growing up at Winterfell, all I wanted was to escape. To come here, to the capital. See the Southron knights in their painted armor and King’s Landing after dark, all those candles burning in all those windows. I’m stupid. I’m a stupid little girl with stupid dreams who never learns.” (The stupid dreams? That’s George thinking about the nature of foolish romantic love and the power of dreams. On a literal level, this ties in to a future reveal that Sansa wargs the Hound, allowing them to connect in dreams if not in reality. Her dreams matter. Her prayers matter. Her regret and wishes matter. She is a powerful witch whose potential is totally unfocused. Her dreams may be stupid, but they are powerful as hell. And it all ties back to Winterfell too, in some way that I don’t understand at all but that will no doubt be revealed in S8.)

The ginger link, the visual transition from one ginger woman to another, is crucial. 

The Red Woman is a 5,000-year-old interpretation of a prophecy about the Warrior of Light who brings the Dawn. The warrior has a red woman: this much they know from their prophecies. But they don’t know the name of the warrior or the name of his wife, she whom he loved most in the world. It’s Sansa and Sandor, but the acolytes of R’hollor keep warping the details in a cosmic game of telephone. But they are sure about the red woman part, so sure that it’s an elemental part of their religion.

Melisandre, and every priestess of R’hollor who wears the ruby, is doing a Sansa Stark cosplay.

When Mel later tells Jon “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” quoting from Ygritte, she knows that because she has been looking into the flames and the Red God showed her a different, but related, red woman. 

SANSA STARK, SEX OBJECT: The next two scenes deal explicitly with Sansa Stark as an object of desire and as a sexual being. But it’s not in relation to the Hound. It’s in relation to the Imp, a very different kind of beast. Marge gives her a lecture about having to learn her own sexual tastes, and that Tyrion’s kindness matters a great deal more than his body. Even though it is not ideal that Tyrion is a Lannister, he’s not the worst case scenario as far as men go. Still Sansa is clear that she doesn’t desire Tyrion. She wants something else.

Meanwhile, as Tyrion contemplates his marriage to Sansa and the prospect that any legitimate son of Sansa Stark’s would be a potential future Lord Paramount of the North (Robb still lives but the show/George and the Lannisters are already playing the game as if he’s been eliminated from the board). This is more about the question of reproductive success. If the woman you want or need to impregnate doesn’t want to open her legs for you, you either fail to procreate with her or you must take her by force.

True marriage, which is sacred to the gods, involves–no, requires–sexual intercourse.

And then Bronn and Tyrion appear to remind us that it’s too soon for Sansa to be considered in this light. “She’s a child.” “She’s a foot taller than you.” “She’s a tall child.” 

“I don’t pay you to put evil notions in my head.” “You pay me to kill people who bother you. The evil notions come free.”

Sandor has “evil notions” about Sansa. Tyrion has “evil notions” about Sansa. That they do not act on them or even intimate them, is to their great credit and why we are able to view them as good guys in the series, despite their myriad other character flaws. (Tyrion does admit he wants Sansa, and Sandor’s look after she thanks him for saving him at the Bread Riots is raw desire, but neither of them ever even suggest anything improper to Sansa.) Littlefinger later not only acts on the evil notions but is also greatly interested in Sansa’s claim to the North, which also doesn’t much interest the Hound or the Imp. 

Inasmuch as we will all eventually know and accept that SanSan are soulmates and will be retroactively livid that Sansa refused to go with Sandor at the Blackwater and be equally angry at him because he was too scared to kidnap her, and then be further enraged that the writers put her through unspeakable horrors that all could have been resolved if the Hound had been narratively “allowed” to claim Sansa at an early day, we are being reminded, it’s not time yet. Ned Stark’s promise of a match with someone brave gentle and strong was for someday, when you’re older. It’s not time yet. She’s still too young. She’s a tall child. It’s not time yet.

And then we get Arya hating Beric because he’s a liar (oathbreaker!), and lots of Braime love with more story beats about oaths and promises and protecting women, like all true knights do. And there’s some Shae-Tyrion nonsense, which I both never understand and never find believable. (Maybe those problems are related?) 

The Hound appears for just one minute in this SanSan-heavy episode (yes, SanSan-heavy!), just long enough to snatch Arya before someone else can get her. 

Oh, and he does find time to call her a wolf-girl so as to remind us that wolves and hounds are the same–but for the line between wild and tame. 

Why does Sandor take Arya but not Sansa? It’s been said many times by writers wiser than I that the Blackwater scene is basically Sandor failing at the freefolk practice of wife-stealing. He proposes marriage, essentially, and she says no, which is reasonable because it is the worst marriage proposal of all time. Now, that it is a marriage proposal is not to say that he was going to carry her away for immediate wedding-night fucktime action. 

I think the Hound knows better than anyone in the world that he is not allowed to touch Sansa Stark. He wouldn’t lay a finger on her except to help her. But metaphorically and subtextually, the moment is erotically loaded. The (future) fucking is implied. And so, because he is a true knight and a true gentleman and above all, truly madly in love with her, he is unable to be pragmatic about saving her from the Lannisters because the moment is too much about his own desire and his own emotional vulnerability to his beautiful princess. Her response to him means everything and when it’s a rejection he can’t bring himself to go on. He’s crushed.

So why does Arya get the full rescue treatment, albeit unbeknownst to Arya herself? Arya is different from Sansa in several ways: (1) She’s even younger, if not more vulnerable, (2) she is no other man’s woman, (3) he doesn’t want to fuck her. Arya’s not Sandor’s opposite number in a classic yin-yang masculine-feminine dynamic. She’s a spunky tomboy girl who is basically his mini-me. And since she’s all but an orphan, even if Cat isn’t yet quite dead, and since she belongs to no other man, she is the Hound’s for the taking. He has only the best of intentions toward her, although we don’t realize that at this point in the series. He essentially adopts her on the spot. He announces himself as her protector without saying as much and pledges his sword to her without making any such oaths. She doesn’t understand–and why would she?–so they are at loggerheads for months, but he has basically knelt before her and promised to serve her in perpetuity, and give his life for hers if need be. Why? Because she’s Sansa’s sister, and Sansa is his wife, and what’s Sansa’s is his and what’s his is Sansa’s. A good man protects his family. His whole family.

Or, in animal terms, he is a lone wolf who begins to form his own wolf pack by altruistically adopting a stray lone wolf pup. Unusual, although not unheard of in the animal kingdom, but not a terrible strategy for building up the strength of your pack. And as we know, “in winter, we must protect ourselves…the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.”

Anyway, then there’s some more Lannister drama and some Braime oathkeeping and devotion–this episode is maybe Jaime’s finest hour–and Myranda and Ramsay talk about Theon’s cock before they cut it off but I can’t bear to watch any Theon scenes so even if that scene is relevant I can’t tell you about because that shit is unbearable to watch.

And then there’s also some more Jon-Ygritte romance.

Jon: When a girl sees blood and collapses. Ygritte: Why would a girl collapse? Jon: Not all girls are like you. Ygritte: Girls see more blood than boys.

This hits so many story points at one time. “Fire and blood” are the Targaryen house words, which makes the dragons the perfect red herrings for the fact that fire and blood are also the crux of SanSan. The Targs are crucially important but they are also the cover story for all the epic love business between Sansa and Sandor. “Girls see more blood than boys” is about so much: (a) Sansa’s first flowering–blood on the mattress that Sandor witnesses that means that it’s time for Joffrey to begin raping Sansa, technically his betrothed but really Sandor’s wife and altogether an impossible situation. (b) Sandor himself attesting “I should have fucked her bloody” which is on one level an explicit rape threat but also a plaintive wish that he could be the one to “blood his sword” with her virgin blood. © “blood of my blood” (d) “She needed your blood.” (e) “I’m in this world a little while longer to…defend my blood.” (f) “Childbirth is a bloody business.” 

Everything about the dynasties and names and clans and family and making babies is about blood. (”Family and honor–that’s all you lords and ladies ever talk about.”)

SIDEBAR. This (from the books) is Lady Barbrey (Ryswell) Dustin about Sansa’s martyred Uncle Brandon: “Brandon loved his sword. He loved to hone it. ‘I want it sharp enough to shave the hair from a woman’s cunt,’ he used to say. And how he loved to use it. ‘A bloody sword is a beautiful thing,’ he told me once.” “Brandon was never shy about taking what he wanted. I am old now, a dried-up thing, too long a widow, but I still remember the look of my maiden’s blood on his cock the night he claimed me. I think Brandon liked the sight as well. A bloody sword is a beautiful thing, yes. It hurt, but it was a sweet pain.”

CROSSREFERENCE: “Any man dies with a clean sword, I’ll rape his fucking corpse.” I believe in the books this is a Gregor Clegane line, but they transferred it to Sandor in the show to put a finer point on the fact that the sword is the cock and the cock is the sword, but you must wield both equally well or you will be considered a failure of masculinity in the terms of George’s feudal Westeros.

As for the fire? That’s love. That’s passion. That’s the suffering. Sandor’s is the heart of fire, and he burns for Sansa Stark. He is the burnt prince. He is the burnt sword. 

Anyway more Ygritte-Jon: 

“You’re mine. And I’m yours. And if we die, we die, but first we’ll live.” “Yes. First we’ll live.”

There are the MARRIAGE VOWS AGAIN, even known to the Freefolk. “You’re mine and I’m yours.”

And then AGAIN, the love theme music rises, as it did for Robb and Talisa, but now for Ygritte and Jon. “I Am Hers, She Is Mine.” This is the main love theme on the show until Jonerys gets their own “Truth” years later.

Ygritte’s words are a variation on “Valar morghulis. Valar dohaeris.” All men must die. All men must serve. All women must die. All women must serve. 

Perhaps the best case scenario for the feudalism and patriarchy of Westeros is that in an exceptionally rare circumstance, you actually get to serve someone you love. You get to devote yourself to someone you really love, and are not just bound to by fealty. That person might be a woman you love, or it might be a worthy, truly good king you actually wish to serve and die for.

Ygritte’s words are, of course, also a rationale for fucking before it’s too late to fuck. Robb and Talisa succeeded on those terms, at least. Ygritte and Jon pulled it off, as is articulated here. 

And in this episode, emancipated libertine Margery Tyrell specifically encourages Sansa as to her sexual freedom and right to explore, in this episode: “We women get so few chances to try things before we’re old and gray.” I consider this a key part of the personal growth that grown Sansa will bring to her adult relationship with Sandor. 

The days are passing quickly now. We fuck now or we may fuck never.

Finally, I’d like to offer a word from my girl Osha, a sage of the freefolk if ever there was one. She tells Bran (and Rickon??), Jojen, Meera and Hodor the story of her lost love.

“I had a man once. A good man…I was his. And he was mine. But one night [he] disappears. People said he left me. But I knew him. He’d never leave me. Not for long. I knew he’d come back. And he did.”

“I don’t know how I got the knife, but when I did, I stuck it deep into his heart, and he hardly seemed to notice. I had to burn our hut down, with him inside.” –Osha.

She’s talking about her husband Bruni who was turned into a wight by the Walkers. 

She uses the language we’ve already heard related to marriage. “I was his. And he was mine.” This, too, is SanSan subtext.

“A good man.” –> This is Sandor, although we might not know it at this point. Years later, Beric says, “We need good men to help us,” and Sandor deflects, but by then we all know the truth that Sandor is, indeed, a good man. 

“One night he disappears.” –> This is just the beginning of Sandor’s time away from Sansa. They have an incredibly long separation ahead of them, but at this point in season three we’re still closer to the night he left, the night of the Blackwater, than we are to his return. This harks back to a scene with Marge in ep one of season three where she talks to war orphans about how their fathers went away to fight in the war and never came back, and also Shae and Sansa talking the night of the Blackwater. Shae said, “Some of those boys will never come back” and Sansa said, “Joffrey will. The worst ones always do.” The good ones like Sandor seem to vanish off Planetos itself. She knows he wasn’t killed in the battle–he deserted–but he’s gone just the same.

“People said he left me. But I knew him. He’d never leave me. Not for long. I knew he’d come back. And he did.” –> Devotion. Trust. And promises to us, the audience, that they will be reunited someday.

And then the death imagery. It’s probably just imagery, but it hits all the SanSan. “I stuck it deep into his heart.” –> “That’s where the heart is. That’s how you kill a man.” “I had to burn our hut down, with him inside.” –> There’s your fire imagery. The fire frightens the Hound. The fire drives him out of the “home” he doesn’t share with Sansa in King’s Landing, but where at least they got to see each other, sometimes. Later, very similar language appears in the first scene with Sandor, Arya, the farmer and Sally. Arya explains the Hound’s gruffness by saying that their “hut burned down” while he was off fighting in the war, “and my mother with it.” Both are references, oblique though they may be, to the situation that drove Sandor away from Sansa and set in motion their long separation, which was nothing that Sandor would have planned or accepted had he been in his right mind, which had absolutely was not, for several reasons: fire fear, alcoholism, witch warging and Joffrey-adjacent derangement.

In conclusion, I think Game of Thrones is a historical romance, but Jonerys is the history, while SanSan is the romance. Jon and Dany’s journeys are vitally important, but it is Sandor and Sansa’s love that will give them more than a graveyard to rule over. Sandor and Sansa will bring the dawn and herald the spring that the Targaryens will use to bring prosperity and abundance back to all the people of Westeros.

Father, Mother –> Jon, Dany

Warrior, Maiden – Sandor, Sansa

Smith –> Tyrion

Stranger –> Arya

The absolute brilliance of George (and D&D, yes, them too) is that they’ve created a story that reads equally well on several levels. There’s the face value and the text, which is as intriguing as anything, and then there is the mythological, psychological and metaphorical subtext, which tells a different and even deeper story. They resonate together, they reflect each other, they all stand on their own and yet they are intimately connected.

I believe GOT/ASOIAF is truly a masterwork, and the layers upon layers of meaning are one reason why.

And I believe that SanSan is not just endgame as hell, people, it’s the whole darn ballgame.

[cheryls-blossomed]

'It’s Escaped Definition’

I’m relatively new to tumblr, having lurked around in the past, but alas, I don’t have that much self control, and I have finally gotten on this website officially. I was thinking that it might be fitting that my first written post be about The Flash’s Barry/Iris, because they’re finally married, and also because the crossover did them dirty for sure, but what they did get was beautiful and understated (partly because their love is portrayed so selflessly all the time that it’s so beautiful no matter what, and partly because Candice and Grant knock out any scene that they’re in together). 

And finally, because I absolutely adore Westallen. I truly do, but they’re also the couple that honestly snuck up on me without warning. In a way, I was in love with Westallen before I even knew I how far gone I was, so basically I’m a regular Iris West (except I’m not, because I’m not nearly as awesome as she is, and I can only wish that I am half as selfless, loving, badass, and wonderful as she is).  

(This was my favorite scene in the crossover PERIOD, because it was this moment of respite that they both desperately needed, having put aside their feelings about their crashed wedding up until this point. They’re just catching their breath in each other’s arms and softly talking about how they should have been on their honeymoon. And also HELLO WESTALLEN HEART EYES™.)

I started watching The Flash back in 2014 when the pilot dropped, and I’d been burned badly by CW’s Arr*w, by that point, so I was tentatively excited for and very apprehensive about the new show. And it was fun; it had all the makings of a good superhero show: lots of heart, fantastic humour, a good dose of darkness permeating the story-line, and strong characters. But the thing about The Flash is, I didn’t have a ship right away (or so I thought, because I never realized how far gone I was until much later). Which is somewhat odd for me and my multi-shipping ass, but I I have a history of resisting the obvious Alpha™ couple, which is what Barry/Iris are, if there ever was one. In the past, I’ve always gravitated towards the underdog ship(s) (but there wasn’t one worth talking about in this show... lmao, Westh*wne, Sp*llen... they were bland at best), and it became apparent to me that I just wasn’t feeling any of these so-called underdog ships. Why?

Because I sold my soul to Westallen the moment Iris ran into Barry’s arms in CC Jitters in the pilot. But, I just didn’t know it. Every episode would go by in season 1, and I’d be like, “Nothing really compares to Barry and Iris.” “She believes in him more than anyone.” “She’s the reason he is the superhero that he is is, because she has given him nothing but love since the moment they met.” “And he’s reciprocated that since the day he met her.” “LOOK SHE’S WIPING KETCHUP OFF HIS FACE.”  

And anguished declarations of love™ are a favorite of mine, but nothing quite compares to Iris, frightened by the stakes of the situation she finds herself in and utterly in love, admitting to Barry that she cannot stop thinking about him. The smile that graces his face, and which she immediately reciprocates when he tells her, “I’ve never stopped thinking about you.” My heart was fluttering when they kissed, but again… I was too in the moment to realize just how much I shipped them.

To this day, my favorite Westallen scene is the club scene in 2.16 (not the 2.20 confession, although surely that’s perhaps the most excited I’ve ever been, or the 3.17 proposal, although that’s certainly the most I’ve cried over a fictional couple), because that’s when I was hit by a ton of metaphorical bricks, otherwise known as clarity. That was the scene I didn’t know I was anticipating so highly. Grant Gustin and Candice Patton have that kind of onscreen chemistry together that’s absolutely and utterly unique to them. Part of it is that Grant and Candice are such good actors; in my opinion, part of the battle of generating chemistry is having two actors who are equally talented play off of one another. But, honestly, nobody can tell me that anyone else can make this love transcends spacetime couple more epic and believable than those two do on the daily. They play Earth-1 Barry realizing he will forever be hopelessly in love with his Iris when he interacts with Earth-2 Iris to perfection. Everybody’s favorite marrieds (or at least until Earth-1 Barry and Iris tie the knot in just about a week and a half), Earth-2 Westallen are the cutest, because of how endearing the two of them are onscreen together. Heck, they made me feel things I didn’t want to feel when Iris touches Savitar’s face in the season 3 finale, and I HATED Savitar, but the chemistry during that scene was ridiculous. They sell every scene they’re in together, and I’m utterly captivated.

But that club scene in 2.16 is so… I don’t know… flirtatious and easy. Barry and Iris are talking about their future wedding and their married doppelgängers having sex like it’s a casual thing they talk about at clubs regularly, and the sexual tension between them is rife, and I’m like, “SHIT, I’M RIDICULOUSLY IN LOVE WITH THEM. AND I HAVE BEEN SINCE THE PILOT.”

… And now they’re finally married. Don’t get me started on those vows, which captured the core of this love story, played beautifully by Grant and Candice (I’ve showered a ton of praise on them, but they deserve every once of it). Barry’s life is forever changing; it’s tumultuous and unpredictable, but he has one constant: Iris Ann West-Allen, the love of his life and his home to whom he will always return home. She’s his safe harbor, his lifeline, his northstar guiding him back to her. And Iris? She’s happy, excited, and honored to be his wife, because he is everything to her. She loves him with every fiber of her being, and she is so overwhelmed that after everything that they’ve been through together, they finally get to be married. (Gosh, the way Iris’ voice breaks when she says the word “excited” encapsulates just how overwhelmed she is, and Candice Patton, of course, brought me to tears with that performance, as she is apt to do.) They are strongest together, because their love carries them through: as Iris, herself, says, “With you by my side, anything is possible.” 

[meeedeee]

Star Wars: The Last Jedi RSS FEED OF POST WRITTEN BY FOZMEADOWS

Warning: total spoilers for The Last Jedi.

After weeks of frantically speed-scrolling through my various social media feeds when anything that looked like a Star Wars spoiler appeared, I’ve finally managed to get out and see The Last Jedi. Despite my diligence, I didn’t go in completely unspoiled: I knew the general shape of the fan discourse surrounding the characterisation, which means I had some context cues and a smatter of details to work with, but not the major plot points. Now that I’ve seen the movie, however, I’m electing to write my own review before catching up on other people’s opinions, so if I touch on something that’s already been dissected at length without referencing said discussion, that’s why.

In broad-brush strokes, I enjoyed The Last Jedi. Assessing it purely on its own merits, there was a lot it did right: the cinematography, special effects and original creature creation were wonderful, I loved Rose Tico, and there was a pleasing balance of drama, emotion and humour, the requisite scenery-chewing deftly subverted by moments of self-aware comedy, especially in the opening exchange between Hux and Poe Dameron. Mostly, it was solid.

Mostly.

But.

The thing is, no Star Wars film is an island. The Last Jedi is the second film in a trilogy of trilogies, one whose core trio were clearly and intentionally mapped to the heroes of the (original by creation-date, second by internal chronology) series in The Force Awakens: Finn to Han, Rey to Luke and Poe to Leia. This being so, it was easy to mark the other narrative similarities between The Force Awakens and A New Hope – most notably, the parallels between the Death Star and Starkiller Base, both of which were destroyed in the respective finales, but not before their destructive power was unleashed. Which makes comparing The Last Jedi to The Empire Strikes Back not only reasonable, but – I would argue – necessary, if only to determine whether the decision to parallel the new with the old has continued beyond the first film.

The short answer to that is: yes, The Last Jedi is structurally akin to Empire, but not always to useful effect. The long answer, however, is rather more complex.

As a writer, there’s nothing that makes me crave a metaphorical red pen quite like a story where, for whatever reason, I can see the authorial handwave of Because Reasons gumming up the mechanics. If The Last Jedi was an original film, detached from the Star Wars universe, I’d be able to tell you that the problem stems from the poorly-forced sexist clash between Poe and Holdo, and that would be that. But because The Last Jedi has borrowed certain key narrative structures from Empire, there’s a clear template against which to measure its narrative choices, which makes it easier to infer the hows and whys of various changers.

A quick refresher in Star Wars, for those who haven’t watched the original trilogy lately. The Empire Strikes back begins with the Rebel forces being ousted from Hoth in a massive battle. After fleeing the planet, Luke goes to Degobah to train with Master Yoda, while Han and Leia spend some time dealing with a broken Millennium Falcon and the pursuit of Boba Fett, kissing and bickering and generally cementing their chemistry before finally going to track down Han’s old buddy, Lando Calrissian, in Cloud City. Frustrated with Yoda, Luke has a premonition of danger and goes to rescue his friends, as Lando, who’s been strong-armed by Darth Vader, hands Han and Leia over to the Empire. Han is frozen in carbonite after Leia declares her love for him, Luke loses a hand and learns Vader is his father, and the film ends with the pair them, plus Lando, escaping as they resolve to rescue Han.

By comparison, The Last Jedi follows a fairly similar arc. The film opens with the Rebellion being ousted from its base and pursued in a space battle. Rey attempts to persuade Luke to help her, while Poe and Finn are left dealing with a fleet that’s low on fuel as they try to outrun Hux and the First Order. As Leia lies injured, Poe clashes with Holdo over command, which results in him sending Finn and Rose on a secret mission to find a codebreaker who can help sabotage the First Order’s ship. Unable to the codebreaker, Rose and Finn return instead with DJ, a stranger who claims he can help them, but who ends up betraying them to the First Order. Unaware of this, Poe mounts a short-lived mutiny against Holdo. Meanwhile, frustrated with Luke and experiencing an odd connection to Kylo Ren, Rey goes to try and turn him to back to the light, only to find that Snoke was the source of their connection. Kylo kills Snoke and his guards with Rey’s help, reveals the truth about her lost parents, then betrays her in turn. In the final battle, Rose is injured and declares her feelings for Finn, and the film ends with the rebellion united but still fleeing.

Based on this, it seems clear that The Last Jedi is intended to parallel The Empire Strikes Back, both structurally and thematically. All the same elements are in play, albeit recontextualised by their place in a new story; but where Empire is a tight, sleek film, The Last Jedi is middle-heavy. The major difference between the two is Poe’s tension-and-mutiny arc, which doesn’t map to anything in Empire.

And this is the part where things get prickly. As stated, I really love Rose Tico, not only because she’s a brilliant, engaging character superbly acted by Kelly Marie Tran, but because she represents another crucial foray into diverse representation, both in Star Wars and on the big screen generally. There’s a lot to recommend Vice-Admiral Holdo, too, especially her touching final scene with Leia: I still want to know more about their relationship. I am not for a moment saying that either character – that either woman – doesn’t belong in the film, or in Star Wars, or that their roles were miscast or badly acted or anything like that. But there is, I suspect, a truly maddening reason why they were paired onscreen with Finn and Poe, and that this logic in turn adversely affected both the deeper plot implications and the film’s overall structure.

Given how closely The Last Jedi parallels the main arc of Empire, it’s narratively incongruous that, rather than Finn and Poe heading out to find the codebreaker together, the pair of them are instead split up, decreasing their screen-time while extending the length of the film. But as was firmly established in The Force Awakens, Finn and Poe map to Han and Leia – which is to say, to a canonical straight couple. Even without the phenomenal on-screen chemistry between John Boyega and Oscar Isaac, that parallel is clear in the writing; and in Empire, Han and Leia’s time alone is what catalyses their on-screen romance.

That being so, I find it impossible to believe that Finn and Poe were split up and paired with new female characters for anything other than a clumsy, godawful attempt to No Homo the narrative. Rose and Finn’s scenes are delightful, and their actors, too, have chemistry, but every time we cut back to Poe and Holdo, the story flounders. Everything that happens during Finn’s absence is demonstrably redundant: not only does it fail to move the plot forward, but in trying to justify the time-split, writer/director Rian Johnson has foisted a truly terrible mini-arc on Poe Dameron.

Specifically: after Leia is incapacitated, Holdo is given command of the rebellion. Seeing Holdo for the first time, Poe looks startled and states that she’s not what he was expecting. When Poe, recently demoted by Leia for ignoring orders, asks Holdo what her plan is, Holdo dismisses him as a hot-headed “flyboy” who isn’t what they need right now. Not only doesn’t she tell him where they’re headed, she apparently doesn’t tell anyone else, either. This failure to communicate her plan to her people is, firstly, why Finn feels he has to light out on his own, which is how he meets Rose, and is secondly why, once Finn and Rose come up with a plan to infiltrate the First Order, Poe decides that they can’t risk involving Holdo.

As we eventually learn, Holdo does have a plan – and a good one. There is literally no reason why, given the steadily escalating fear and anxiety of her crew, who are watching their companion ships get picked off one by one, she doesn’t share the full details with the rebellion. Instead, she leaves it to Poe to figure out that she’s refuelling the transport ships to evacuate – and when he panics, pointing out (correctly) that the transports are neither shielded nor armed, she likewise doesn’t elaborate on the fact that they’ll have a cloaking device to shield them and a destination close by, one where they can land and take shelter while the main ship acts as a decoy.

Because of Holdo’s decision to withhold this information, Poe thinks that she’s given up and is leading them blithely to their deaths, and so stages a mutiny – one in which he’s supported by a number of other, equally worried crewmembers. Happily, Leia recovers from her injuries in time to reclaim control, and only then does she let Poe in on Holdo’s plan. Poe suffers no further consequences for his actions, and even when they talk privately, both Holdo and Leia seem more amused by his mutiny than angry at what he’s done, rendering the whole arc moot. Except, of course, for the fact that Finn and Rose, on their mission from Poe, bring DJ into the mix – and DJ, who knows about the cloaking device, betrays this secret to the First Order, who promptly open fire on the transport ships.

Hundreds of rebellion soldiers die because Poe and Holdo so disliked each other on sight that neither one trusted the other with vital information – and for the rest of the film, this is never addressed. But of course, Johnson can’t address it, not even to hang a fucking lampshade on it, because the entire scenario is manufactured as a way to justify Poe’s protagonist-level screentime while Finn is away – which is also why, contextually, their antagonism doesn’t even make sense. The film begins with the premise that the entire rebellion, who’ve just been flushed out of their single remaining base, is on the run together – so why the fuck haven’t Poe and Holdo met before now? Especially as both are shown to have a close, personal relationship with Leia, it rings utterly false that they’d not only be in the dark about one another, but start out instantly on the wrong foot.

As such, the coding around Poe’s surprise at Holdo – that she’s not what he expected – is a lazy misstep. Traditionally, when hotshot male characters say this about a new female commander, it’s a sexist dogwhistle: oh, I didn’t know we’d be getting a woman. But why would Poe Dameron, son of Shara Bey and devotee of General Leia Organa, be surprised by Holdo’s gender? He wouldn’t, is the answer. Flatly, canonically, he wouldn’t. But if there’s some other aspect of Holdo that’s meant to ping as unusual besides her being female, it’s not obvious. It would’ve made far more sense to write the two as having a pre-existing antagonistic relationship for whatever reason: instead, we get Poe cast as an impatient, know-it-all James Bond to Holdo as Judi Dench’s M, who doesn’t have time for his nonsense when they first meet, but who ends up forgiving it anyway.

It’s like Rian Johnson looked at the Poe Dameron of The Force Awakens – a character universally beloved for being vulnerable, funny, charming, honest, loyal and openly affectionate – and decided, Hey, that guy’s an awesome pilot, which means he’s a COOL GUY, and COOL GUYS don’t play by the RULES, man, especially if it means listening to WOMEN – they just A-Team that shit in secret and to HELL with the bodycount! And anyway he’s HOT, so he’s ALWAYS forgiven.

Dear Rian Johnson, if you’re reading this: I like a lot of what you did with this film, but FUCK YOU FOREVER for making Poe Dameron the kind of guy who gets a bunch of his friends killed, then has a mutiny, then indirectly gets even MORE people killed, and never shows any grief about or cognisance of his actions, all because you wanted to avoid fuelling a homoerotic parallel that you openly queerbaited in promo but never intended to fulfil anyway. GIVE US OUR GODDAMN GAYS IN SPACE, YOU COWARD.

Anyway. 

The point being, the entire plot of The Last Jedi suffers because of a single, seemingly homophobic decision – unnecessarily splitting up Poe and Finn to avoid further Han/Leia comparisons – and the knock-on consequences thereof. Which is where I bring out my metaphorical Red Pen of Plot-Fixing and say, here is what should’ve happened. Namely: Poe and Holdo should’ve had a pre-existing antagonistic relationship, but one that didn’t prevent them from sharing information like grown-ups. Rather than Rose being part of the rebellion, she should’ve been the codebreaker they were sent to retrieve on Holdo’s orders (because two plans are better than one, and why not try both gambits?). This voids the need for DJ, who barely appears before disappearing again, so that Rose-as-codebreaker retains her status as an important, well-fleshed character who interacts with both Finn and Poe, and whose introduction works to map her onto Lando Calrissian. If you really must keep DJ because Benicio del Toro and thematic betrayal parallels (more of which shortly), he can be the dubious guy with First Order secrets that Rose has been trying to recruit for the rebellion, which explains why she’s with him on the casino planet in the first place, and how he’s so easily able to cut a deal with Phasma. BOOM! You’ve just saved a solid 20 minutes of redundant screen-time without degrading Poe’s character or undermining Holdo’s for no good reason and without dumb sexism creeping in. You’re welcome. 

(Also. ALSO. Not to take away from how lovely that Finn/Rose kiss was, but let’s just take a moment to peek into the other timeline, the one where Stormpilot gets to go canon the same way Han and Leia did in Empire. Let’s imagine Finn and Poe bickering in the casino, getting all rumpled during the escape while Rose and BB8 exchange Meaningful Looks and scathing droid-beeps about the two of them. Let’s imagine, during that final battle on Krait, that it’s Poe, not Rose, who stays behind to forcibly knock Finn out of that self-sacrificing dive towards the enemy gun; Poe who grabs Finn and kisses him because they should fight for what they love, not against what they hate, before passing out injured, thus completing the parallel of Han going into carbonite after kissing Leia. Let us gaze upon that world, that glorious thematic act of completion, subversion and queer recontextualisation, and then quietly wish a pox on everything in our cruddy Darkest Timeline that conspired to make it unhappen.)

And now, with all that out of the way, let’s address the Rey/Kylo issue.

As I said at the outset of this piece, I tried my best to avoid spoilers before watching the film, but no matter how quickly I scrolled through feeds or closed my tabs, I still knew that a lot of people had come away rejoicing in the idea that Rey and Kylo were being set up romantically, while an equal number had not.

And I just. Look. While I’m not going to stand here and tell people what to ship or on what basis, both generally and at this historical moment in particular, I find myself with an intense personal dislike of narratives, canonical or otherwise, which take it upon themselves to woobify Nazis, neo-Nazis, or the clearly signposted fictional counterparts thereof, into which category Kylo Ren and the whole First Order falls squarely. I don’t care about how sad he feels that he killed his dad: he still fucking killed his dad, and that’s before you account for the fact that he demonstrably doesn’t give a shit about committing genocide. In the immortal words of Brooklyn Nine Nine’s Jake Peralta: cool motive, still murder. Except for how the motive isn’t actually cool at all, because, you know, actual literal genocide.

From my viewing of the film, I honestly can’t tell if Rian Johnson wants us to think of Kylo as a genuinely sympathetic, redeemable figure, or if he’s just trying to improve on the jarring, horrible botch the prequels made of Anakin’s trip to the Dark Side by showing us his complexity without negating his monstrousness. Or, well: let me rephrase that. In terms of the actual script and what takes place, I’d argue that, even if Kylo is given a final shot at redemption in Episode IX, he’s still not being primed as Rey’s love interest. It’s just that the question of how much Johnson wants us to care about Kylo as a person, regardless of anything that happens with Rey, is a different question, for all that the two are easily conflated.

Yes, Rey and Kylo touched hands. They did! And Kylo killed Snoke instead of Rey! This is what we might call a low fucking bar for romantic compatibility, but hey: it’s not like white dudes in cinema are ever really called upon to jump anything higher. More salient in terms of the Star Wars universe is the fact that, after they defeat Snoke’s guards, Kylo’s appeal to Rey to join him and rule the galaxy together is an almost word-for-word callback to the offer Anakin makes Padme in Revenge of the Sith, right before he force-chokes her into unconsciousness, leaves her pregnant ass for dead and turns into Darth Vader. The fact that Anakin and Padme are also sold as a tragic romance prior to this moment is not, I would contend, the salient hook on which to hang the hopes of canon Reylo. Aside from anything else, Rey is mapped to Luke and Kylo, very clearly, to Darth Vader: with clear precedent, Rey’s desire to turn Kylo back from the Dark Side can be heartfelt without being romantic.

(Also, I mean. The connection that Rey and Kylo had was deliberately forged by Snoke to exploit their weaknesses, which is why they each had a vision of converting the other. Though we’re given a hint that the link remains in the final scenes, it ends with Rey shutting the door – both literally and figuratively – in Kylo’s face. I’m hard-pressed to view that as destiny.)

As for Kylo himself, his characterisation reads to me as deliberate, selfish nihilism. Kylo is conflicted over his murder of Han Solo because it impacts him, but at no point does he hesitate to reign down destruction and death on strangers. His desire to turn Rey to the Dark Side is likewise covetous, possessive: she is powerful, and he wants a powerful companion in the Force, but one who, by virtue of being his apprentice, will be subordinate to him – not a judgemental superior, as Snoke was. This is reflected in the way DJ’s betrayal of Rose and Finn is paralleled with Kylo’s decision to first help Rey when it benefits him, and then to turn on her afterwards. Like DJ, Kylo is mercenary in his allegiances, helping whoever helps him in the moment, then discarding them when the relationship is no longer useful.

The death of Snoke itself, however, is rather anticlimactic. He was a looming, distant figure in The Force Awakens, and while there’s an established tradition of Star Wars villains showing up and looking cool without their origins ever being satisfactorily explained at the time, this is vastly more annoying in Snoke’s case. Unlike General Greivous, Darth Maul or Boba Fett, Snoke isn’t just the random antagonist of a single film, plucked from obscurity to thwart the heroes: he’s the reason Ben Solo turned to the Dark Side and become Kylo Ren. Presumably, the hows and whys of Snoke manipulating the young Ben could still come out in Episode IX, but if it never gets addressed onscreen, I’m going to be deeply irritated.

On a more positive note, I enjoyed what the film did with Luke’s arc, for all that it’s not what I’d expected. To me, one of the most fascinating arguments in Star Wars discourse is the question of the Jedi, their morality, and how it all set Anakin up for failure. The Jedi ideology put forth in the prequels is the kind of thing that sounds superficially deep and meaningful, but which looks increasingly toxic the more closely it’s examined. The ban on children, marriage and close relationships outside the Order; the extreme youth of those taken for training combined with a forcible, protracted separation from their families; the idea that fear necessarily leads to anger, and so on. Luke describing the Force to Rey as something that existed beyond the Jedi, an innate aspect of the world, felt both refreshing and intuitively right, even given the necessity of respecting the balance between light and dark. The appearance of force-ghost Yoda felt a little pat, as did his ability to call lightning, but he still had one of my favourite lines in the whole film, delivered in support of Luke’s choice to step away from the Jedi teachings: as masters, we become the thing they surpass.

There were other, smaller niggles throughout than my issues with Poe and the no-homo restructuring of the plot: the handwaving of distances between Luke’s world and the main fight in a story that hinged on fuel supply; the sudden appearance of trenches and tunnels into the caves on Krait when everyone was meant to be trapped inside; the random appearance of an Evil Ball Droid to play momentary nemesis to BB8; the on-the-nose decision to show a random white slave boy, holding a broom he Force-summoned like a lightsaber, at the very end of the film. And as wonderful as it was to see Billie Lourd on screen, the knowledge that Carrie Fisher will be absent from Episode IX – the film that was meant to have been her movie, just as Harrison Ford had the The Force Awakens and Mark Hamill had The Last Jedi – rendered both her presence and her mother’s all the more bittersweet.

  Ultimately, The Last Jedi is a successful-but-frustrating mess, which is kind of how you know it’s a Star Wars movie. I’ll be forever angry at the carelessness with which Rian Johnson treated Poe Dameron and Vice-Admiral Holdo, but even if I could’ve wished for a different plot structure, I’m always going to stan hard for Rose Tico, who was warm and kind and intelligent and who stole every scene she was in. LESS REN, MORE ROSE – that’s my new motto.

Here’s hoping that Episode IX delivers.

  from shattersnipe: malcontent & rainbows http://ift.tt/2CThaaG via IFTTT

[glenngaylord]

MY MOMENTS OUT OF TIME IN FILM 2017

Instead of a Top 10 List, every year I like to honor a long-discontinued but influential annual column from Film Comment magazine. I couldn’t wait for my father to come home from work with the “Moments Out Of Time” issue.  The writers would cite their favorite scenes, images, or lines of dialogue, even from films they may not have liked, because let’s face it, even bad films may have a great moment or two, unless you were a film called RINGS, CATFIGHT, THE SNOWMAN, or THE DINNER.  In that case, you suck in the most forgettable of ways. Despite some obvious stinkers, this was a great year for film. Some resonated with me, such as I, TONYA and THE FLORIA PROJECT as they tackled the issue of class in America.  Despite being period pieces, films such as DARKEST HOUR and THE POST pinged on topics such as war-mongering and the need for a free press, both of which we seem to talk about daily right now.  I have a few I need to catch up on, such as MUDBOUND and THE SQUARE, and one I recently saw, A GHOST STORY, wowed me, but I haven’t written a review of it yet.  

Even I can’t see them all, so here, in no particular order, are my Moments Out Of Time in film for 2017:

“America. They want someone to love, but they want someone to hate, and the haters always say, 'Tonya, tell the truth!' There’s no such thing as truth. I mean it’s bullshit! Everyone has their own truth.” - I, TONYA

A little girl (the great Brooklyn Prince) stands in front of a motel room door, telling her little friends they’re not allowed to enter.  She pauses, and then mischievously says, “But let’s go anyways!”  in a moment of pure rebellious, but dangerous joy. - THE FLORIDA PROJECT

A young man (Lucas Hedges) begs his girlfriend (Saoirse Ronan) not to out him in one of the most touching moments of the year. - LADY BIRD

A woman (Cynthia Nixon’s blazing portrayal of Emily Dickinson) desperate to connect with someone, anyone, lights up whenever she’s around her soon-to-depart friend.  It’s a joy you wish she could have at all times.  It’s that ache to spar with another human that cuts to the core of this lonely tragedy. - A QUIET PASSION.  

Try watching the “I did not hit her” rooftop filmmaking sequence without bursting with glee.  One of the best-sustained comedy sequences of the year. - THE DISASTER ARTIST

A beautiful, long final shot of a young man (Timothée Chalamet) swimming in his tearful thoughts as the end credits role will break your heart. - CALL ME BY YOUR NAME

So will his father’s (Michael Stulbarg) 11th hour speech to him. - CALL ME BY YOUR NAME

A ghost in a white sheet with two eye holes, who has traveled across time for centuries, finally finds something important, which jogs his memory, making him feel less alone in the world, and then in a startling swish, is gone. - A GHOST STORY

Meryl Streep, in the most delicious long pause of 2017, struggles with the tough decision whether to publish the Pentagon Papers or not.  She conveys every pro and con with a series of reactions, leaving the audience breathless until she finally, and thrillingly, becomes a feminist heroine for the ages. - THE POST

Sure, it’s ostensibly Daniel Day-Lewis’ last film, but it’s the women, one with a deadening stare (Leslie Manville) and the other with the best eye flutter I’ve ever seen (Vicky Krieps), who take charge of this fascinatingly perverse story of control. - PHANTOM THREAD

A cleaning woman (Octavia Spencer) dusts a giant steampunk contraption as her mute co-worker looks on, sending the increasingly magical fable into a visually stunning dreamscape. - THE SHAPE OF WATER

“You know I can’t give you the keys, right babe?”  A chilling line in a scene in which a sympathetic, engaging character transforms into a monster, making Allison Williams, so often hated and too easily dismissed on GIRLS, as someone to REALLY watch as her career rises and rises.  - GET OUT

A beloved, iconic character from the original film makes a stunning, surprise appearance.  Despite it being CGI, this was the movie-movie moment of 2017. - BLADE RUNNER 2049

A bellicose, raging Prime Minister, known for his speeches, sits quietly with the square-ish frame filled with dark, negative space and seemingly lit by a single, too-bright light bulb.  He’s alone and yet belongs to us all, the push-pull of this theme resonating throughout the entire film. - DARKEST HOUR

“This didn't put an end to shit, you fucking retard; this is just the fucking start. Why don't you put that on your Good Morning Missouri fucking wake up broadcast, bitch?” - THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI

Bill Skarsgård’s reading of the line, “Take it!” will haunt me for years. His Pennywise proved to be surprisingly haunting and indelible. - IT

The film’s not great, but Christopher Plummer and Ridley Scott deserve all the “We’re Not Worthy’s” for pulling off the Great Kevin Spacey Replacement of 2017 in 9 days, and actually delivering a full-bodied, memorable character in the process. - ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD

A desperate thief uses his smarts to wheel his badly-injured brother out of the hospital in an impressive feat.  It shows a whip-smart mind in the body of  person with lost potential, and in a moment which proves this well-meaning guy just can’t get a break, it turns out he took the wrong person. - GOOD TIME

Michael Cera, even more villainous and sociopathic than he was in THIS IS THE END, and apparently channeling Tobey Maguire, freaked me out as a hateful, poker-playing celeb. - MOLLY’S GAME

Ok, people will be talking about the biplane scene forever, but nothing made me laugh more than Tiffany Haddish’s reading of this line:  “Girl, you can't get no infection in your booty hole! It's a booty hole!” - GIRLS TRIP

Bridget Everett, in a blazingly intense performance, sings the shit out of Lita Ford’s KISS ME DEADLY in a dive bar and transforms herself from comedienne to serious dramatic actor. - PATTI CAKE$

A crazed woman (Aubrey Plaza) barges in on the wedding of a social media friend and maces her for not getting on the invite list, giving the Facebook effect its full and insane due. - INGRID GOES WEST

A young woman, unable to take one more second of her overbearing, judgmental mother (Laurie Metcalf), surprisingly jumps out of a moving car. - LADY BIRD

Charlize Theron kicks one ass after another in a seemingly single shot (but not really), making this one of the greatest fight sequences ever filmed. - ATOMIC BLONDE

Algee Smith finds the heart of the story as a musician who struggles with his ambitions after a harrowing all-night encounter with racists cops. - DETROIT

Say what you will about the insanity that unspools, but Michelle Pfeiffer as the houseguest from hell was fun to watch and sorely missed when not onscreen. - MOTHER!

As Elton John’s ROCKET MAN plays on the radio, Bille Jean King (Emma Stone) and her new girlfriend Marilyn (Andrea Riseborough) drive in sun-dappled glory, their hair blowing around with each surprising gust of wind.  It’s a perfect evocation of the 70s. - BATTLE OF THE SEXES

After following around an imaginative, enterprising man (Michael Keaton as Ray Kroc) as he develops the most successful fast food chain in the world, and seeing his as a hero, he transforms into a terrible villain about halfway through, making us question the value of the American Dream. - THE FOUNDER

A suicidal Spud, his head covered in suffocating plastic, leans back in his chair and falls backwards off the top of a building, but a flash cut send him to the floor of his apartment where Renton (Ewan McGregor) slides under him to catch him.  One of the most imaginative, emotional cuts in a film I’ve seen this year. - T2 TRAINSPOTTING

Don’t heckle Kumail Nanjiani!  Holly Hunter WILL read you to filth by interjecting, “That is like saying that all frat boys wearing country club hats and Hawaiian shirts have shriveled up  tiny little dicks!” - THE BIG SICK

A young man throws himself down in the sand as bombs explode closer and closer to him. A spectacular feat of cinematography and muffled sound, and one of the greatest shots in cinema history. - DUNKIRK

A mother kicks the chair her little daughter sits in, sending her flying.  A sudden, impactful depiction of abuse. - I, TONYA

Tom Cruise emerges from a crashed plane, his face hilariously covered in cocaine. - AMERICAN MADE

A seemingly sweet young man (Barry Keoghan, my favorite new actor of the year) changes his entire demeanor and quickly, chillingly tells a doctor (Colin Farrell), in no uncertain terms, what is going to happen to him and his family. - THE KILLING OF A SACRED DEER

The best opening sequence award of the year easily goes to a film which mixed musical filmmaking with kinetic car chases and an endearing sense of rhythm. - BABY DRIVER

Eels creepily slither around a woman in a tub in an otherwise completely forgettable, indulgent film - A CURE FOR WELLNESS

Adam Sandler winningly loses his shit as he searches for a parking space. - THE MEYEROWITZ STORIES - NEW AND SELECTED

“See!  I took you on a safari!” exclaims Brooklyn Prince to her friend as they stand in front of a herd of cattle. - THE FLORIDA PROJECT

An ape, bigger than ever portrayed before, emerges out of nowhere and swats down helicopters like flies as the camera gloriously swirls around him.  It’s APOCALYPSE NOW’s famous attack scene, but this time the invaded kick the invaders’ asses. - KONG: SKULL ISLAND

A messy trainwreck of a person (Anne Hathaway) lugs a mattress around town and literally confronts her inner demons. - COLOSSAL

A major character unexpectedly spits up blood on another, in a shocking moment (and there are a few in this film) I’ll remember for a long time. - THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI

French ACT-UP AIDS activists throw blood all over the offices of a pharmaceutical company, and heroically help change the speed at which drugs were approved for a population in desperate need of good news. - BPM

Despite being a thrilling adventure film, the quiet moments, such as the wonderful final shot of a woman walking out of a room and into the jungle, made this stirring yarn into something more internal and thoughtful. - THE LOST CITY OF Z

By this time, we’ve seen too many cars racing around, so instead we focus on the pleasure of seeing a dreadlocked Charlize Theron deliciously chewing the scenery from the evil lair of her jet, sending her into Faye Dunaway territory. - THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS

The unexpected death of a major star, as a gelatinous, alien creature slides down his throat, destroying him from the inside out in zero gravity, may feel straight out of the ALIEN textbook, but it’s memorable nonetheless. - LIFE

I’m usually not a sucker for Disney movie songs, but I have not been able to get EVERMORE out of my head ever since I saw the film, and I mean that in a really good way. - BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

Same goes for Elvis Costello’s fantastic contribution with YOU SHOULDN’T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY, from a beautiful but not-great movie. - FILM STARS DON’T DIE IN LIVERPOOL

Instead of the chestburster, we get the backbreaker, and instead of John Hurt, we get a character we don’t care about…but it STILL manages to be freaky and cool in an otherwise execrable film. - ALIEN: COVENANT

Can we please distribute LICK MY ASS, DIANE t-shirts to every person on earth, or at least make it THE trending hashtag of the year?!! - I, TONYA

Gal Godot donning the titular, classic costume for the first time in the film, charges through the emotional No Man’s Land sequence and into our hearts. - WONDER WOMAN

A seemingly liberal father over-explains his love for Obama to his daughter’s new black boyfriend (Daniel Kaluuya), who makes the Dad feel ok about his issues with race.  It keenly pinpoints the struggle people of color have trying to make white people more comfortable about their discomfort. - GET OUT

Willem Dafoe’s Manager expertly takes charge of a potential child molester, demonstrating his heartwarming, soulful protection of the lovable but annoying little brats who live in his motel. - THE FLORIDA PROJECT

The camera whooshes from ground level to an overhead shot as a determined skater prepares for an important routine. - I, TONYA

Yes, the movie is an unholy mess, but Hong Chau’s “I go to Norway” speech is just a little masterpiece. - DOWNSIZING

Feet moving on red splotches of sand as they battle with their light sabers. - STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI

A return to the iPhone footage he used in TANGERINE pays off perfectly in the final sequence, a rush of imagination, and a surprising and unforgettable place to take your little survivor of a main character, even if it’s potentially just a fantasy.  It doesn’t change the fact that a neglected but loved little girl wants a little escape. - THE FLORIDA PROJECT