#And I remeber it clear as day

[tabbylasanga]

Oh my god. I watched that Garfield movie when I was a kid, the cartoon one. While I was watching it, I happened to be chewing gum. When Garf popped out and was like, "Hey! You! Chewing the gum!" I swear my soul left my body. But from that day on I was a Garfield boy

[thewinchestah]

"Chega de Saudade" - Alastor X Reader fic

Pairing: Alastor x Fem!Reader.

Summary: When Alastor breaks into the V's building seven years later he expects to find a lot of things, lot of obnoxious, enraging, tacky things. He did not expect to find you. The Radio Demon does not take betrayl lightly and you have to live with the consequences of selling your soul to his worst enemy. Better yet, you have to live with the consequences of selling your soul to Vox and Alastor finding out. The soul you sold because Alastor left you for 7 years. Safe to say, it's a mess. A pretty, angsty, dark and delicious mess.

Warnings: Alastor is in Hell for a reason,general hellish violence,general hellish creepiness,eventual smut, i carioca coded valentino bc i can and bc he is very carioca sorry everyone,blackmail, Soul Selling, author is really invested in politics and decided to micromanage hazbin hotel canon, Corruption, Extortion, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, but nothing too explicit,mature themes in general, canon divergence, Not Canon Compliant, Eventual Smut, Alastor gets insane in this one you've been warned, fear play, Possessive Behavior, posessive sex, big bad radio demon is gonna fuck up the guy who stole his girl and will make it everyone's problem, Reader-Insert,no y/n,no beta we die like men here, i feel bad for tagging vox in this fic cause i think it's a disservice i really hate him and i make it clear so vox stans be warned, it's hell i hope y'all remeber ethics are fluid, posessive!Alastor, unhinged!Alastor, Isane!Alastor

Taglist: honestly only my queen @jyoongim i have no credibility to tag anyone anymore after being away for so long. If you wanna be tagged on future updates just let me know!

A/N:HI HEY BUNNY ANON IF YOU ARE STILL HERE THIS ONE FOR YOU!! Hiii everyone guess who's back. I had this fic cooking for a while now, actually i had a lot of writing cooking but in a very Ao3 author fashion a lot happened. You see i was on this writing streak and then my 15yo dog died while i was out of state. I had to go back on anti depressants and take a sabbatical. I got a new puppy and she's the light of my life. Got super sick, won a horse show. My first plan for this fic was having the first 3 chapters done and ready for debuting together because i always feel i'm lacking when i show up with only one chapter lol. After a while i realised i needed to get this first chapter out too see the light of day if i wanted to write again so here it is. This fic is a bit different from my other Alastor fics and i have a rough outline of 5 chapters so i think this beast will be more than 20k words long for sure. I decided to get a little deeper into Hell's politics and all the "no one ever thought of using heavenly weapons against hell even tough Hell's ancient and the best worst of humanity and demonkind is here". I call that bullshit sorry i'm brazilian i'm well versed in shady politicians and shady politics and unfortunatly, dear reader, you are in for this ride too. This fic kicks off right after "Stayed Gone". Also did i mention i'm brazilian and that my works are heavily inspired by brazilian media. This entire fic was inspired by one of my favourite songs of all time "Chega de saudade". And let's be real, Alastor and bossa nova are the perfect match. So yeah, english is not my first language and this isn't beta'd so sorry for any confusion or mistakes. Thank you so so much for reading my fics and always leaving the most kind beautiful and heartwarming feedback. I hope i can still deliver a nice story to my darling readers.

Click here for my other fics.

CHAPTER ONE: chega de saudade a realidade é que sem ela não pode ser.

In the first year you were calm and collected. There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation to why he is gone. Is he even gone, gone? He’s coming home soon, you can feel it. 

In the second year you convinced yourself there were signs everyone explaining why he was gone and when he was coming back, you were just too oblivious to them before. But everything can be a sign when you are delusional.

In the third year you cried so much you felt you were constantly drowning. You barely left home and some thought you were gone too. Gone to him.

In the fourth year you finally gave in and took the deal. Lack of self-preservation and machiavellian schemes working together to create a trap for him. He would come home out of anger, ire. But you can't outfox the fox.

In the fifth year you decided to scour hell and beyond after him. You went to places just to taunt him. Paranoia became your best friend, blood sweat and tears as you repeat “This time it will work, I'm sure of it”. Can a lie be said so many times it becomes the truth?

In the sixth year you accept defeat. You buried him deep and went about like he never existed in the first place. Isn’t it mystifying how this city screams his name?

It’s the seventh year now. The alarm on your phone rings and rings and you feel like scratching your face off. It’s time to meet your damned executioner.

Rolling out of bed you open the curtains to let some light in. The penthouse from the V’s building has a great view of Pentagram City, looking down you get the feeling of dystopian sci-fi that is so characteristic of the technology district. Limelights, digital outdoors, and big opulent, oppressing screens greet you like a constellation of dead stars, long distorted from their original purpose and form. 

You follow processional routine as you get ready. Choose a beautiful dress, put on make-up, and do your hair. It all feels like preparation for a sacrifice. One thing you learned from Alastor is that appearances are the best strategy and you intend to greet your handmade battlefield like a roman legion. 

Alastor. Even thinking of his name hurts, especially today when you need to face the consequences of your actions, the consequences of his actions. He is gone, he left you. And now Vox owns your soul. You blame your fall from grace entirely on him, he forced your hand, he made you do it. Out of desperation, out of defiance, you sold your soul to Vox so he would come back and save you, so he would come back out of hatred, anger and ire to tell how foolish you were, how betrayed he felt.

Betrayal. Selling your soul to his sworn arch enemy should be treason worthy of him dropping anything he was doing to come and punish you, to address you. You just wanted to get a reaction out of him, proof that he still cared. That he didn’t just get bored of the empire of terror he fought so hard to build in Hell. That he didn’t, deep down, just disregard you like a shiny novelty, to be left when it got old. 

You dry the persistent tears that insist on falling with clinical coldness. You are past feeling sad now, you don’t even feel angry anymore. You are past any emotion really, you just want to get this over with and get back home.

You went about your deal with Vox in many different ways, sometimes you felt like it was a good alliance, a slap on Alastor’s face. A side quest to gather as much information from the V’s inner circle, a social experiment. The truth is, during these past almost four years you were a mental gymnastics pro to justify your new arrangements. The cognitive dissonance required to live with the decision of being forever tied to Vox was an herculean task and boy he didn’t make it any easier on you. He would never be as refined as Alastor when it came to torture but there’s something about the coldness and calculated reality of the television business that was it’s own type of Dante’s inferno.

As soon as he got word of Alastor’s disappearance the TV overlord was on your scent, and he wasn’t shy about it either. You dodged him and led him on for almost four full years before finally giving in, everything was more or less under control during the early years of Alastor’s disappearance. 

Until you saw the angel army leaving.

  Death and gore were all around you. The sky rained blood. You couldn’t breathe. You tried to take a step forward only to realize you were knee-deep in demon blood. Adam was particularly ruthless this time, he seemed to have realized the unbalance in Hell’s power structure with one of the most prolific demon overlord’s absence and took full advantage of it. You choked on the sulfur filled air while the portal closed and Adam threw a last middle finger at the Pride Ring. A clawed hand offered you support as you were about to fall, your heart skipped a beat, for a split second you felt elation. In that split second a thousand thoughts, four years of misery and confusion passed through your mind like a movie. You were sure this was Alastor, showing up after the unprecedented carnage of today’s reaping. With the next heartbeat came the delivery of the most cruel reminder: the hand reaching for you was Vox’s. Alastor doesn’t care about anything anymore, not even losing territory. 

The TV overlord was covered in thick, red blood and looked vindicated, a wide chesire’s cat grin on his face. Baptized in carnage, Vox had finally triumphed for the V’s.The V’s were now a force to be reckoned with in Hell, there’s no argument to be made.  A good chunk of Alastor’s territory was now under their control, and everything that came with it too. Including you. 

“My darling doe, be careful, we can’t have you hurt after the battle is won can we?” 

Darling doe.

You threw up at the casual cruelty of the name Alastor called you with such affection being desecrated by Vox. He still supported you as you spilled your guts, you’d blame it on the nerves, the adrenaline, the reeking smell of death. Not on the fact that you knew he finally won, that the thing that broke you was to hear your name like that, on your lover archenemy’s lips. After that it happened. You sold your soul to vox. Of course he coerced you into it, and you were so mad with grief and betrayal that you felt like betraying Alastor back was the just thing to do. Pettiness and paradoxical hope dripping from your lips as the whole thing was done. 

Every year this same flashback assaulted your mind as you got ready to meet Vox on the anniversary of your deal. It never went past the look you gave those pixelated eyes as he held you on that barren land, stopping right there when you made the decision that finalized your ruin. You still wouldn’t, couldn't face what really went down when you formalized your deal with Vox. Those memories were suppressed and tucked in under layers and layers of regret and self-hatred. 

You gave yourself a final look in the mirror. No makeup smudging this time, you were getting good at numbing your feelings. Just a few tears, no more sobbing.

The yearly meeting with the V’s after the extermination was the perfect cover actually, everything was done in a way that it seemed like you were all cooperating. After all, you did hold a very good knowledge of the inner workings of Alastor’s deals, subordinates and territory. You knew who the V’s could “call in favours” and how to keep the peace. Or as close to peace as peace came when an abrupt power transition happened in Hell. You were a valuable asset to anyone really. Articulated in politics, masterful at the art of persuasion, kind, soft, charismatic, assertive, all in perfect balance, and frankly, breathtakingly beautiful. It wasn’t without reason that Alastor fell for you and that you became his most trusted advisor. You and Rosie were able to conceal his absence and manage his affairs for good two years and the better part of the third without raising any suspicion. Of course, the bigger they are the harder they fall and now you were walking down the corridor of the V’s building carrying a bulk of important intel that would dictate the fate of the Overlord power structure for the next year, at least. 

The hallways of the building changed a lot since you first walked them. As the V’s grew in power, the building grew in grandeur. It was now an imposing beast, looming over Pentagram City. Modern corporate architecture that incorporated the savage capitalism of Vox Tech. Savage, cold, sterile, overbearing that’s how being inside the lair of Hell’s most up and coming trio felt. The tall ceilings and big glass windows were exactly what you would expect of a broadcasting network and silicon valley Big Tech company combined. As an esteemed guest, you got the privilege of staying in the coveted penthouses, with someone to attend to your every wish and demand. You also got an idea that Vox went a little extra with your treatment as a form of flirtation, he has been trying to convince you into moving in for a while, every time you stayed in, your usual penthouse had some shiny new thing that was  made just for you, as he repeatedly emphasized. 

This year’s token of affection was a makeup mirror-gadget-thingy, that looked out of a Totally Spies episode. You had to admit to yourself that this was way more thoughtful and useful than the gifts from the previous years. The thing was cute, practical and would come in handy, which was a big improvement. Vox had tried to sway you with all types of guns and high tech devices in vain. Well, there was also that embarrassing stance with the wire flowers with a hidden recording device. Needless to say that after that entire debacle Vox learned that he may own your soul but you weren’t a damsel in distress and you would reinforce your side of the bargain if he went too far. 

You reached the elevator and went in, pushing the button for your destination. 

The earlier you start this the earlier it is over, you remind yourself.

The panoramic elevator descended to the well guarded conference room, the guards didn’t bat an eye to you entering. You realized you were becoming a familiar face around here, that made you dread what’s ahead of you even more.

“There she is! Hello princesa, I missed that pretty face!” Valentino greets you. He’s the only one inside, sitting on the edge of the table.  Well, that’s unusual… you think. Vox was always the first to get to the post-extermination meetings, plus he always gave you a slightly early timetable so he could have some alone time with you. Something must be going on.

“Hey Valentino, it’s nice to see you too! What gossip do you have for me today?” you give your best chirpy tone to the love moth. Look, you know how bad Valentino is, he is despicable really, even to your standards. But ethics are fluid, to say the  least, in Hell. The acclaimed porn king was surprisingly engaging to talk to. He was fun and actually treated you like a person, which was paradoxical in itself, considering how infamous he is for exploiting and commodifying souls. You drove yourself mad with theories of possible agendas behind Valentino’s kindness towards you, but it was the simplest of answers really, for some reason Valentino liked you and he never denied himself of what he liked.

“You have no idea! We have a lot to catch up on, did I tell you about that bitch who was trying to spy on us?” a set arms gestures to you to sit down next to him. The next 10 minutes are spent talking frivolities with the moth. You’re not complaining, it's nice to get your mind off this dreadful day and you don’t get many. 

Valentino, as always, has a lot to say, little goes on in Hell without him knowing who, what, where and why. Information, gossip, rumors, facts, if a single out of context word can be weaponized  you better be aware that he knows. Pentagram city can be divided into districts and ruled by lots of different overlords, still, Valentino’s intricate web of influence and coercion stretches across all territories. Another poor soul manifests here and goes somewhere they should not be, talk to someone they should not talk to, discover something they should never know. All cases of “wrong place at the wrong time” are happily solved by a large sum of money from the moth and suddenly another thread is weaved into his web of knowledge, another secret  made his. Valentino doesn’t operate like most Overlords and that’s where his power  lies. He bribed and fucked his way into every major circle, every  overlord’s inner circle, Hell’s best kept secret. If you were anyone in the hellish afterlife Valentino either fucked you or fucked someone very close to you. 

Knowledge is power, and Hell’s gossip girl was proof of it.

You swallowed a lump you didn’t know existed, hearing the moth talk about how things changed in a matter of hours during the early post-war made you even more aware of the severity of the intel you were carrying. It was earth shattering (no pun intended) information. 

Angels can be hurt. Angels can be killed. That meant a completely different way of existing in the afterlife, if this information goes public, the consequences are unpredictable and dire.

You don’t feel excitement knowing you technically can fight back, you feel pure dread.

To be completely honest, you feel like these “news” are not really news. You were pretty acquainted with politics back on Earth and this whole “omg no one knew about this! even though this was staring us right on your faces! is total bullshit. Hell is ancient, the exterminations are not a new thing, and there are some pretty smart people down here. To think that millenia after millenia masters of torture and skilled killers never thought of using heaven’s own firepower against them is wishful thinking at best. Sure, maybe after a few generations most sinners, even those who have power, may have been kept out of the loop about the chick in the holy army’s armor… but not knowing this at all just feels like a pretty convenient case of collective amnesia. 

Convenient, that’s exactly what this is. It’s brutal, but that’s Hell. A scheduled massacre is a blessing to those who rule to maintain, reinforce and extend their power. And if you get lucky enough, empires will fall and you will make your move. 

Vini Vidi Vici, that’s all you need to know about how Hell's politics work. 

It’s true that with every massacre the Angel Army gets more and more brutal and unhinged. What was once justified as righteous mercy killings to stabilize the ever growing hellish population now is just a display of cruelty, these angels kill for sport. There have been rumors floating around of how the disproportional annihilation tactics are preparation for something bigger for a while now , and with the demonic royal families either operating totally off Pride Ring or being completely MIA, it is no wonder those influential enough are starting to get restless. 

And that ties back to your first point, the thing that got you picking the skin around your nails while Valentino gossips. There’s a reason why this is being revealed now, you know how creating a narrative works, a few smart words and ideas become beasts of its own. A beast of its own that will tear anything on its way with the right fuel. The V’s have fuel to spare. Whose interest is that this information stayed hidden? Whose interest is that this information was allowed to be shared now? 

Hell is constructed by layers and layers of complicated militias and parallel governance, each one a locked room of secrecy that is impossible to enter without a huge amount of connections and power. 

“In a world of locked rooms, the man with the key is king. And, honey, you should see me in a crown” Valentino wisely said to you once. He’s a man of many many keys, and right now you are holding the fucking master key under your arm. 

Speaking of Valentino, he notices that you dozed off and snaps his fingers, grounding you back to reality. 

“My, my. You must have extremely sensitive information today to keep you from hearing the nastiest, hottest gossip of the moment babe” He takes a hit from his cigarette, an elegant and sensual move straight from an Old Hollywood film. The heart shaped smoke rings caress your face and for an instant you feel hypnotized, nodding your head profusely. 

“But I already knew that” behind the rose coloured shades, you see a playful wink from his infamous red hot eyes. 

The porn overlord quickly snaps his head towards the huge automatic doors, that open and reveal Vox and Velvette walking side by side exchanging looks between them that scream conspiracy.

“Sorry about the wait, my darling” Vox purrs on your way, stopping behind your chair and placing his hands on top of it, fingers dangerously close to your neck and shoulder. He pushes your hair to the side and lingers there, on your neck. “but as they say ain’t no rest for the wicked, am I right?” Velvette takes her seat beside Vox’s empty chair, meticulously placed in front of you, polite pleasantries leaving her mouth. She’s still a mystery, you never know her true stance on you, she keeps you on your toes. Does she like you? Does she hate you? Does she even care? 

“If you say so, boss!” you give him your best pageant smile. “So, who’s climbing up the ladder of the food chain today?” You bat your eyelashes at him. Your performance begins.

“Aw baby, you know I love when you call me boss! keep talking dirty to me” Vox lands a wet kiss on your cheek and makes his way to his chair.

 Right in front of you, so he’s always staring at you, drinking in your every move. You cannot fail, you cannot falter. 

As much as you’ve gotten used to pretending, pretending you like the V’s, pretending you don’t feel disgusting inside for being here, pretending you don’t hate Alastor for putting you in this situation with a burning passion but still missing him so much you feel someday your heart will stop beating in protest to him absence, it’s still hard. Especially when Vox touches you. Your eyes focus on cybersharks swimming behind Vox’s seat and concentrate on keeping your awarding winning poker face. 

“This year looks really promising I will tell you that! The orders for both your weapons and tragedy porn cameras doubled since the last extermination! I will give credit where credit is due, that fuckboy Adam knows how to put on a show!” he snaps his fingers graphs, stats and footage appears on the various screens. But it’s all irrelevant, it won’t matter when you spill your secret. 

“Lot’s of veeeery interesting happenings but I thought this year we might… start differently. Let’s forget the profit talk for now, change things a little. Did you guys see anything out of the ordinary? Did something stand out?!” he spins around his Big Boss ™ chair and stops with his hand under his chin, leaning in to you like a schoolgirl with the hottest new gossip. 

“Oh! I heard things -” Val also leans in getting closer to the TV overlord face. 

Vox’s grin shrinks, lifting a finger in protest 

“We know, we know, you always hear things Val” he replies in a monotone tone

Velvette, who spent this entire time typing away on her phone, interjects 

“Look, don’t take this the wrong way girlypop” finally looking at you she asks, or rather, states the million dollar question “ but what Vox means is that we know you have something  big cooking inside those files, so let’s drop the bullshit and go straight to it” 

The doll puts her phone down, she knows how important this is, how this secret will probably dictate how things will go from now on. You can call Velvette many things, but she is clever and under all that attitude and posh accent lies a brilliant strategist. 

“Plus, we all know you are contractually obligated to tell anyway, so spill, and can make this quick and painless to everyone involved” 

Right, your cartesian, empirical proof that angels can be killed.  Caught on the scene of the crime with the gun in your hands. 

You don’t waste anymore time, the words leave your lips like you’re choking with the threat they present. You tell them everything: where the exorcist was killed, how he was killed, the golden ichor blood that oozed from the wound, where the body was hidden. Everyone is silent while you speak, even the mechanical sharks seem to have stopped swimming to listen. 

After that you don’t remember much more of the meeting, it felt like you took the backseat of your own mind, the overwhelming feeling of dread making you so out of breath. Something is coming, something fucking coming and you can’t breathe. Anxiety sets under your skin like a second skeleton begging to crawl its way out and you find yourself sitting in one of the lavish anterooms of the V’s building. 

“So, the cat’s out of the bag then” you recall hearing Vox saying when, as if on cue, a few moments before the meeting was being declared over, the emergency broadcast about the reduction of the extermination date from a year to six months was issued. You four watch the transmission and you wonder if that’s what it feels like to get the news of the end of the Cold War, the doomsday clock finally hits midnight and we are nuking each other out. 

Mutual destruction assured. 

Your mind wanders back to your life on earth, if life up there is better or worse these days. You died so young, everybody told you, your Untimely Demise a big topic of conversation that you yourself didn’t know much about. But nothing, nothing in all of your living years and your years from Hell to eternity could prepare you for what comes next.

“So the Radio Demon is back in town! Why is he hanging around? What does it mean for your family?” 

The news hit your ears like a tsunami and you feel dizzy. It’s easy to find a big screen here and you are running to the closest one before your brain can even compute the words. 

Alastor is back, Alastor is back, and he didn’t come find you.

The next sound wave is even worse, dragging you ashore to your feelings without any reprieve. 

“Salutations!

Good to be back on the air! Yes, I know it's been a while, since someone with style treated hell to a broadcast

Sinners, rejoice!”

This isn’t a prank, there are no cameras and a sadistic tv host waiting for your humiliating reaction, instead all pairs of eyes in Hell are glued to the screen watching as the two Overlords fight it out. 

Thus, no one notices how your entire body shakes and your vision goes black. It’s too much, and you grip the rails from the stairs that lead to the foyer for dear life. Your heart is beating out of your chest. No one notices how you cry, how you whimper Alastor’s name like a prayer, how the tears run down your face and you feel paralyzed. You want to run, a million thoughts per heartbeat making your head swim. The best you can do is collapse on the floor. So you do, you collapse trying to catch your breath as you plan your sweet escape, how you are going to Houdini yourself out of this situation right to his arms.

“Tune on in

 when I'm done, your status quo will know its race is run”

You want to kiss him, you want to slap him, you want to tell him how much you missed him, you much your fucking hate him. You want him to drag you to his rooms and make you pay for cursing him out. You want him, you want your Alastor back. You cannot breathe.

“Oh, this will be fun.”

and then all the lights go out.

There’s a beginning of an uproar happening, the electric building dies a quick and unforgiving death, demons run around and Vox is flying down the stairs trying to do damage control. But even he is failing to keep his composure, because he knows. Oh how you know too. 

Alastor is like a natural disaster, a shattering force that bends everything on its way with the sheer force of will. The inevitable reckoning that comes to your town, that judges and executes everyone that you love. 

And now he is here. 

You see the burning red hot pair of eyes first, their predatory gaze hold the entire room hostage, looking for his prey and then they land on you. 

The piercing intensity of Alastor’s eyes, the flickering reds of damnation itself, regard you with surprise, elation and something more. So overbearing those eyes are, they make you shiver, bearing the weight of his gaze that penetrates deep into your soul. Your soul that is not yours anymore, it belongs to the man he hates, the man he despises. 

The Radio Demon’s towering frame closes the distance between you two in five long strides, you do your best to keep yourself upright and not cower at the sight of him. He looks like Rapture and righteous torture, coming to deliver your setance. Vox knows his sentence is being delivered here and now too, so he runs, runs to you.  You feel static and an electrifying pull, metal clinking. A chain. A glowing blue chain on your neck and Vox’s pulling it tight.

“What? what the fuck is going on? what’s this?” snapping your neck quickly towards Vox you whimper, you beg. The few seconds you stopped looking into Alastor’s eyes causing seething rage inside the deer demon, ire that makes the room tremble. 

‘“Talk over the radio, that way everyone can hear, baby” Vox says straight at Alastor, like it is a shooting gun. The look on the TV Overlord is maniac, a sideway cocky smile that drips pettiness. Just because Vox clearly lost this battle, with all tvs and electricity on petagram city going dark, it doesn’t mean he can’t still forever tarnish this victory. 

Alastor’s demonform covers the already dark building in opaque, thick shadows, radio static picks up around the room like a tornado chocking the majority of the unfortunate demons that are still inside, in a desperate attempt to seek shelter. 

No words leave the radio host’s lips as he grows even taller, breaking the posh entrance of the building, debris flying down causing even more damage, the tall glass windows shatter in a million pieces courtesy of his tentacles tearing down everything on their way. The sounds of destruction and despair are loud but you haven’t been listening to the world outside you and your returned lover’s radio dial eye’s for a while. A doe caught in the headlight of his eyes the best you can do in brace for the inevitable impact that is coming your way.

In a flash of his scarlet eyes a fire ignites, the flames born from it are unnatural, behaving like a hive mind to kill and destroy.

 You always knew that facing Alastor after these 7 years would not be easy, but you never imagine your reunion like this, in the midst  of pomppeian fire, a wild raw power, the oncoming storm that is Alastor when he attacks. 

Vox knows this fight is over, his ego hurt and today’s accounts always written as a victorious comeback from the Radio Demon, nevertheless, between the three of you Vox will always know who really won, who drew the last card, had the last laugh. He did, holding Alastor’s girl on a leash because he owns her. The soul of the woman the Radio Demon dared to love is his, the man Alastor despises with a burning passion, and that’s enough for now. 

The raging flames circle the three of you and without much more flair Vox drops his act, your chain disappearing from your neck. You drop to the floor, branching yourself on all fours. You consider crawling your way to Alastor, so you can explain, so you can cry, so you can beg. You don’t know for what exactly you will be begging for: your life? his forgiveness? his punishment? you just know a lot of begging and pleading will be involved. 

But the decision is made for you.

“Run, run my little darling doe” Vox commands “Run and do whatever you need to do” 

You get up on your feet in a completely ungracious move and Alastor’s out of the room instantly. The flames never touch you on the way out, the outside world greets you: a cacophony of screams, sirens, burning sounds, the infernal orchestra that becomes the soundtrack of your life.  

“Oh, and by the way” Vox screams from the threshold of the decaying building “we just got news that your place on Cannibal Town got trashed by some wayward sinners during extermination. But don’t worry you can always come home here, come home to me!”

You do your best to ignore his taunting, and you pray to whoever is listening that Alastor didn’t hear it. But it’s futile, the pavement where he is stepping cracks a dark cloud of static and shadows trail after him. He definitely heard and felt the implications of these words. 

“Al.. Al!” you scream running after your lover. 

Fuck, you’re still in heels, and those aren’t your running heels.

Kicking the damned shoes off you run faster, you cry harder and plead faster.

When you lived, your life always felt a bit surreal, weird stuff happened to you that you couldn’t really explain. People always joked that screenwriters of your life were the most creative people alive, the thing that happened to you never happened to anyone else. You died young, with a big, full life ahead of you, but you took this as gospel to your afterlife, after all everything related to your death was a mystery to you. But the things that happened to you living or dead were a raw reality impossible to make up.

 The uncertainty of your death only fuels your resolve to fight for the life you found in the afterworld. 

“Al, wait!” you are starting to get truly desperate, you need to get to him otherwise you are pretty certain you will drop dead here and now.

 “Alastor please, please listen to me” your voice failing, you finally choking from the smoke, from the suppressed tears. If Alastor doesn’t hear you now you are not sure you can carry on after him, you’re too tired too scared. You him to save you like the damsel in distress you are right now so bad.

Alastor dramatically comes to a halt. 

“I. am. Not. Having. This. Conversation. Here.”  his voice is staggered, still. Filled with static and a murderous edge to it. His long arms catch your wrist and pull you close, flush against his chest, you almost stumble but a powerful arm around your waist locks you tight to him. 

It’s the first touch in seven years, your legs shake at the realization that he’s real, he’s here. You lock your arms around his neck, the familiar fabric of his overcoat, the soft strands of his hair, they all feel like coming home.  

Something inside Alastor snaps when he remembers, when he feels how small you are in comparison to him, only one arm securing you safely to him. Some paradoxical fight starts inside him, wild wild want, wild wild rage against tameness, the docile calm you bring whenever you are at his side. 

The world disappears for a few seconds as darkness engulfs both of you,  inside the black moving vacuum only the two of you exist, greeting each other in bloody homecoming. 

Alastor takes you back to the Hotel, landing with a low thump inside his room. For a second his hand supports the small of your back, preventing you from falling forward. After all it’s been 7 years since you shadowtravelled with him, he knows you are terribly out of practice. 

His consideration towards you only lasts this precious second thought, because he makes his way across the room, creating as much distance as he can between the two of you. Your touch disarms him, he is aware of that since the first time your hand brushed against his, the first time his lips ghosted on top of your knuckles. If Alastor is touching you he is extremely likely to get soft, to remember how much you mean to him, what you do to him, so he will be merciful. And right now the last thing the deer demon wants is to be disarmed, to show you mercy. He can feel your betrayal burning inside his veins, clouding his judgment with ire and jealousy.

Alastor doesn’t fight those feelings, on the contrary, he lets them take him by storm adding fuel to his already bad temper. That’s the only way he can face you now, that’s the only way he can make you understand. 

You don’t get any time to gather your bearings, from the corner of your eye you notice a forest. His room is bigger on the inside and has a fucking conservation area but that’s hardly the most pressing matter at the moment. The pressing matter at the moment is that you are getting whiplash from touching your demon lover for the first time in seven years and his subsequent refusal to touch you, stationing himself across the room to you.

Why isn’t he with you? by your side as you ride the shockwaves of today together? You are scared, but above all you feel overwhelming sadness. 

“How did it happen?” he finally snaps, breaking the deafening silence. It’s the first time Alastor regards you, directly, in 7 years and the weight his words bare is so heavy you wish for more of the silence. “Tell me, how did it happen?” his eyes are wild, dangerously close to radio dials. 

“How did it happen? You tell me Alastor! You left me, you fucking left me!” you wish you could be your usually articulated self, you rehearsed this conversation so many times in your mind and in none of them you started with such venom on your lips. But it has been too long, and maybe the poison from all those years alone and afraid beside Vox drips through. 

The Radio Demon sees the tears that fall profusely from your big doe eyes, and they sting more than an acclaimed torturer like him could have anticipated. Alastor finds himself still disarmed, because with every single glistening tear that falls he can see how hurt, how scared you are. He is the only one allowed to make you scared, he owns your fear.

But that’s the problem isn’t it? He owns nothing. Vox does. And that realization turns him back to feeling seething rage. 

“So my mere absence is enough to change your devotion? Is me being here the only thing that stopped you from falling into his arms?” more poison. By the end of the night you both will choke on it. 

“Al.. Al” you are sobbing now, your throat tightens and it’s hard to breath it’s hard to speak. “ I had to do it. You don’t get it, you don’t get it.” your voice breaks “hemademedoit, hemademedoit!!”. You swallow half the words, whimpering, as if you say it fast enough the action will quickly become the past, as if the memories won’t haunt you. And yet the memories flood your mind

A dim-lit room, the smell of blood and something burning.

“He is gone baby, and he isn’t coming back”

Electricity makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. 

A stranger’s hand pushes the hair to the side of your face, dread creeps up inside of you.

“This is the only way my dear, the best decision you can make” 

The same stranger’s hand grab you by the waist 

“I’m the only one who can protect you now, you know that right?”

eyes that make you freeze, it’s hard to think. eyes that make it hard to say no.

“If this is hard for you, you can pretend that I’m him” 

a wrong type of static pricks your lips 

“This won’t hurt” 

a shockwave hits your body and it feels like you are being split open

You have to steady yourself on the closest piece of furniture. You cower as the repressed memories from the night you finally gave in to Vox assault your mind, trying to make yourself as small as possible, like he is coming back to do it all again. Cries and incoherent words leave your lips and you don’t know if you actually said what happened or if this entire time you have just been crying. You entire body hurts as you hyperventilate “Al, I’m so sorry” you whisper 

That’s what undoes Alastor, you curling yourself in a ball, defeated and scared at the ghost of the man he hates. You looking away from him like you are undeserving of him, of his punishment, of his love. Like you are tainted. Alastor can’t make the exact words of your confession about how it happened, but he heard enough. Vox would never make you come to him willingly, Alastor knows that. Whatever Vox did - and Alastor has a lot of ideas of what he did - he will pay double for it. 

 Alastor’s blackened heart shatters when he calls your name and you don’t look up to meet his eyes, like you always do. He was always your lantern for when you were drowning. He meant to break you, hurt you like that. He just wanted to make you come to him, beg for his forgiveness, beg him to soothe the pain. 

“Mon coeur, my sweet darling doe you are safe” Alastor voice goes so soft it hurts “Don’t fret, it’s in the past, it’s over, you are safe with me now as you are meant to be” he coos.

Still, you can’t read your lover’s mind. So you don’t know his heart is shattered, you don’t know how much he loathes himself for letting this get this far. You are so caught up on your own feelings, reeling the rage and the memories that you miss the softness of his voice and his outstretched hard and you inevitably choke on the poison. 

“No. No!” you snap “You don’t get to say that. You have no right to say that!” you scream as you get up “I’m not safe, I will never be safe because you weren’t there to protect me, you promised Alastor, you fucking promised” the poison is now inside you, heartstopping waves of hurt consume your body and sprit. Right now the same burning passion that makes you heart beat for Alastor makes you hate him too. You were never good with ugly feelings, you always pride yourself for being soft to be strong. Your kindness and act of rebellion during the hellish reality you lived. You were never good with bad feelings, so you do something you never thought you’d do.

You shove the Radio Demon, that man you love so much it drives you to insanity. You shove him because the shame is too much, all the ugly feelings ball up inside, convincing you that you don’t deserve him, that you already lost him. And you won’t survive his dismissal. 

You never talked back to him, you never raised your voice. Not because you were afraid to, but because you never had to, hence the reason why Alastor is so taken aback that your pitiful attempt of violence actually moves him from where he was standing. 

Alastor shoves you back, pushing you up against the wall with a searing kiss. He kisses you like you are his last chance at salvation, like he wants to be redeemed. He licks your lips as you struggle to catch your breath, pushing his hips hard against your core, making you straddle him. Alastor doesn’t grant you a moment of reprieve, his lips come crashing down on yours again, his tongue inside your mouth dancing to a madman’s tune. He does what he does best, he takes and takes and takes. He takes your breath away, he takes all the callous words that threaten to leave your lips, aimed at him. 

You succumb to your demon lover, your nails dig into his skin and he moans inside your mouth, he bites your lips enough to draw blood. In the end Alastor is still Alastor, and of course he gets all hot and bothered when fighting. You feel delirious with the taste of his lips, your blood and your salty tears mixing together, an unholy ambrosia. His hardness press just the right way to make you sing creating a current of desire after a seven year long drought. 

His hands are quick, ridding up your shirt making he grab your ass and then your hips, strong enough to bruise. His clawed finger is already tweaking your nipple that way he knows you love. Your bravado melts, in perfect synchrony to when he sinks his teeth deep into your neck, drinking everything: that wretched poison that tarnished your words, the sacred warmth of your blood. You moan his name like a prayer that he promptly answers, he’s kissing you like a drowning man again, your blood on his lips painting your lips red like you both just drank from the holy grail, his hand cups your other breast and you vow to never speak to him like that again, only if it’s gonna get you up against the wall like that with him. 

And then he stops. 

“I hope this kiss haunts you” he says, voice still drunk with desire, low and threatening. He swiftly moves you off him, walking away and creating the same distance from when this all started “haunts your every breath, finds its way inside your every waking moment until you are mad with regret” 

You are bewildered, eyes widening in disbelief. What is he doing? How can he go from 0 to a 100 so fast? 

“I hope this kiss haunts you, so you never forget that you were the only woman who ever had me at the palm of her hand and you decided to throw it all away with that calamitous cynicism of yours.” 

So that’s what’s happening. You can never expect to beat a master at his own game, Alastor is still cruel when he is merciful. When push comes to shove he will always win. There’s only so far you can get with taunting his repentance,  playing with his heart laid bare at your feet, filled with sorrow and begging for forgiveness. He was ready to apologize, to dry your tears and soothe your fears, worshiping your delicious body and the ground you walked on. He was ready to admit that this was half his fault until your venom stung him beyond the realm of spoken word. 

“I understand it now, it must be hard for you to cope with your own decisions, your own failings, so you take it all on me. I hope you remember this when you come back to beg, on your knees for my forgiveness. And trust me, you will.” Of course Alastor would torture you with the knowlodge of his guilt and despair, the loss of his benevolence, the promise of desire and carnality. He will always be a torturer at heart, and you forgot that’s the first rule you need to always remember when dealing with him. 

“You’ve got your demons darling” never was your precious pet name said with such disdain. Static starts to gather around you, and in a flash his hand is on your neck

“and they all, Look. Like. Me” his voice is distorted when he finishes cursing you, there’s a tempest behind his eyes that entraps you, the burning red of his irises condemn you. 

The Radio demon is a raging fire, an oncoming storm. But he is also meticulous, cruel and calculating, if you dared to question him, to step on the grace he gladly gave you, you clearly were aware of everything he did to lull his absence. All the plans and contingencies he made to hush your worrying thoughts about him and bathe your threshing heart on tranquiline waters.

And you decided to mock it. To mock him and his love for you. 

You are crying again, but this time Alastor is fucking glad he was the one to hurt you, to reduce you to a mess of regret and tears. 

Tonight in Hell, power shifts from one Overlord to another. Sinners plan and freak out accordingly.

 But their machinations are all meaningless. 

The 7 years you spent away from Alastor made you sad, the three years spent on Vox’s side made you bitter. The V’s operate on poison, it’s their fuel. And maybe the poison drips through.

Tonight you drank the poison and it broke you.

Tonight, for the first time, the poison broke Alastor too.

[monimccoythings]

Alastor x Daughter!Reader III (Platonic)

Yeah, this is going to take place after the end of season 1, just after Sir Pentious has ascended and the hotel has been rebuilt into a bigger better version. I just don't know how to fit Y/N in season 1.

Reminder: Alastor is in Hell for a reason.

TW: This contains a very delicate matter, like PTSD and panic attacks, even though I wanted to keep it brief because I'm not very well versed in these kind of subjects and wanted to be careful and respectful with it, I'm not entirely satisfied with how I wrote it, I researched and looked into my past experiences, but still don't think I truly adapted it as best as I would have liked. Also several mentions of cannibalism. Brief mentions of controlling behavior.

This isn't proof read so sorry for any grammar and/or vocabulary mistakes.

Part I ｜Part II｜Part III (You are here!)

tags: @anonymousewrites, @nonetheartist, @littledolly2345, @sunnyx07, @ouroborostheunholy, @mo-0-o, @sydneyyyya @lbcreations-blog

Soft jazz music enveloped the room, accompained by a strong smell of coffee and magnolias, someone was humming quietly to the music. Somehow, it reminded you of home.

You blinked groggily, trying to get the sleep away from your eyes, and leaned on your elbow. Why was the ground so soft and cushioned?

Yor eyes shot wide open when you remebered the events that led you there. The blood, the laughter, the eyes, the smile, the radio static... Your heart started beating wildly inside your ribcage, and you suddenly found yourself gasping for air. You clutched your old dress, hoping that would alleviate the growing pressure in your chest in some way.

"Well, look who's finally awake!" Alastor left the newspaper on the table and turned towards you, if his grin was supposed to be comforting it was not working. Just the fact that he was acting so casual, as if nothing had happened in the last ninety years made everything a million times worse.

"You are quite the hide and seek champion, ma petite faon. It took several years for my shadows to casually find you and then it took even longer for me to believe you actually had been sent here, ha ha!" His neck bended in an unnatural way as he laughed.

Crap. Did he always know where you were? Was this just a game of cat and mouse for him?

As if he had read your mind, his eyes adopted a more relaxed expression that did nothing to soothe your nerves. "Well, for the last ten years you gave me quite the chase, cher. Always on the move, never stopping, from one part of the ring to the other. And then there's that seven year gap." He muttered to himself that last part.

You still felt on the verge of a panic attack. Your body couldn't and wouldn't stop shaking, and felt like reality was blurring around you. Everything was happening too fast, it brought you back to that night decades ago when you found that your beloved father had actually been a serial killer. It almost felt like it was mere minutes ago.

Alastor knew of your discomfort, your fear. He could see it as clear as a day, he could almost taste it. He had always enjoyed tasting the fear on his victims, but yours only left an aftertaste of bitterness in his mouth. It was rotten, putrid and nauseating. Maybe because it was the only fear he should never had a taste of. Watching you like this also brought him back to the night he lost you.

As he held your unmoving body in his arms, for a couple of seconds his brain stopped functioning, unable to accept what had just happened. The pain he felt was just like someone had ripped his chest open and pulled out his still beating heart, only to crush it, leaving an empty and cold hole in its place.

He had taken you to your room and laid you in the bed, tucking you in. You looked so peaceful, if your face and clothes weren't stained with blood he would have believed you were sleeping. But you would never wake up again.

The next couple of days passed in a blur, tracking down the man who had dared to do this to you and then run away, and giving him his fair punishment. And as he dragged his mutilated body through the forest... Well... the rest is history.

"Anyways! All's well that ends well! Now I found you, and you won't need to worry anymore!" His chirpy radio filtered voice portrayed some genuine happiness that didn't reach you. The bond and trust that used to tie you two together, had been damaged beyond repair. And Alastor knew. That didn't mean he was going to give up, though.

Before he had the chance to make things even more awkward between you two, the door bursted open, revealing several people behind it.

"Oh, you're awake, that's so great! We were all sooo worried since Al suddenly brought you here, and you seemed passed out, we didn't know if you were alive or-" The blonde haired demon kept rambling, but you barely listened to her, way too much in shock. Behind her, there was a bunch of demons: a winged cat who would be rather doing anything else than be there, a tiny cyclops with a psychotic and perky smile; a spider demon who, if anything, looked confused; a taller cyclops demon girl who found the dirt in her nails to be way more interesting than you, and some kind of moth demon girl? You wondered if they all were going to participate in your slaughter or were just going to watch.

"-aaaand who were you again?" The blonde demon asked with an awkward smile.

"I'm very glad you're asking! Because this is no other than my beloved little girl!" Alastor opened his arms widely in a dramatic form of presentation as the sound effect of a studio crowd cheering mixed with his voice.

"Wha- hold the fuck up? Your daughter??? Didn't you sing to Luci-?"

One glare full of murderous intention and loud static was enough for the spider demon to shut up.

"Now, now, how about we let the newest addition to our merry little band have a well deserved rest." Your dad not so gently pushed the uninvited guests back towards the door.

"Addition? Is she our new guest?" The moth-like demon girl asked.

Alastor's face darkened and loud static filled the room. "A҉b҉s҉o҉l҉u҉t҉e҉l҉y҉ ҉n҉o҉t҉.҉". He swapped back to his more charming persona. "She'll be joining our facility as an assistant!" His tone admitted no further questioning, and, quite reluctantly, the staff and guests left the room.

So that's the story about how you ended working in the Hazbin Hotel.

Your work was mainly small chores or helping others. Nifty needed help to clean the rooms? You were there. Someone needed you to take cover at the reception? On it. Whatever tiny task someone needed help with, you had to do it.

You were not allowed to leave the hotel. Alastor made sure of that. Wherever you went, he made sure some of his shadows followed if he was not around, just to keep you controlled; although he'd rather call it, 'lovingly checking on his little baby'. It really was not needed, even if you didn't trust nobody there and your guard was still up, where else would you go? It was literal hell outside.

Years of hiding and living in constant fear of death or something worse had left you extremely mistrustful and fearful of people. There were times were you believed this was all a ruse to lure you into a false sense of security and then hit you were it hurt most.

It's not like you didn't believe in Charlie's dream, it was just you couldn't believe it could be possible, your father had very sincerely stated that he was just sponsoring it because he loved watching doomed souls struggle to achieve something meaningful and then fail spectacularly. Of course he did.

So, at least you had a roof over your head, enough food to eat, and a no-killing rule inside the hotel. Things could be worse.

Yet, there was still something inside you, something that you so desperately tried to let go but were unable to, as it had rooted itself deeply inside your mind and heart.

It started with small things, maybe a loud sound, maybe a bit of blood, it didn't matter because you could already feel yourself breathing heavily and sweating. It was like the entire world vanished around you. You couldn't breath, you couldn't think, your mind was on edge and your heart felt like it was going to burst out of your chest. You were completely paralized with fear, your hands shaking furiously, making you drop whatever you were holding.

These episodes started becoming more and more frequent, the more you tried to fight against them, the stronger they became. Whenever Charlie, Vaggie or any guest tried to ask you about them you always tried to brush them off, not wanting them to see it as a weak spot to exploit.

After several episodes and you refusing to open yourself, Alastor had enough of watching you suffer and decided to take matters into his own hands. So, he took you to Rosie.

If you expected something out of a place called 'Cannibal Town' it certainly wasn't that. It looked so... normal, like any other town you would have found back in your time. Well, if you ignored the people eating an entire corspe on the street. Your father gently moved your face to face front, because apparently it was rude to stare.

Oh Rosie immediately adored you. 100% godmother material. That southern belle couldn't wait to pamper you and dress you up in all kinds of fancy clothes.

Talking to Rosie was surprisingly, easy, if you looked over her cannibalistic tendencies. She kindly offered you some fresh fingers, but quickly backed up when she saw you turning green, jokingly saying "Ah, teenagers and their diets."

Sessions with Rosie always left you crying and drained but in a positive way, you felt like a huge load had been lifted off your shoulders. It may be a long road ahead but it was a great start.

Talking to Vaggie also helped. Turns out being a former exterminator had left not only physical but psychological scars on her. The first months after she had been left to die in hell had also been very struggling for her. She helped you with breathing exercises, held your hands when they started shaking, and even was willing to teach you some self defence. Which your dad opposed to.

Charlie was... Charlie, always positive and upbribing but also respecting your boundaries, you were almost starting to belive she was being genuine.

There was another member of the staff who had not been present when you were first brought there and you had yet to meet. The King of Hell himself, Lucifer. Just knowing he could be there send shivers down your spine, wondering what kind of diabolical entity could he be. When you first saw that 4' overly excited manchild, at first you thought it was a joke.

Lucifer took a liking to you pretty easily, much to the annoyance of Alastor. He was curious about how someone as innocent and young as you could have ended in a place like that and vowed to protect you if someone ever gave you trouble. Your dad is seething. "Here, take this." And he just gives you a toy duck who backflips and makes the cutest rubber ducky noise. You loved it. Your dad is about to break the no-killing rule.

Alastor tried to win back your trust and love, even if he knew it was going to be a long and arduous task. He didn't care. He just got you back he was never letting you go.

He may not believe entirely in Charlie's dream, but he knew that if it was possible the one who had more chances to go straight to Heaven would be you. And he was not having that.

Alastor briefly considered making a deal to own your soul, just to ensure your safety and his control.

Up to this day he still doesn't know how you ended down there, and can't wait for the day when you will trust him enough to tell him.

He will respect your boundaries begrudgingly, he is your dad, he knows best. Will play nice and let you take your time with things. He will quietly show support for your emotional progress and make light physical contact, just enough to be supportive and not freak you out.

He cooks for you, and only you. The old homemade grandma's recipes he used to make back in your living times. At first, you didn't trust it, thinking he could have poisoned it. But the second you tasted his Jambalaya you felt like crying. Not only because after ninety years barely eating you were famished, but because for a couple of seconds, something there in the taste and smell had brought you back to simpler times. (like the Ratatouille guy)

Alastor truly desires to hear you call him 'Dad' again, you had yet to do so. Yes, you recognise him as your father, but after everything it just pains you to address him as such. It's like your dad and Alastor were two separate people. The loving father vs the serial killer, the guardian vs the Radio Demon.

He really loves you very much and it's been hard on him to keep that much distance from his little fawn. So he takes out his frustration on others, don't turn the radio on when he tells you not to.

And with time, his efforts were rewarded. Somewhat. You seemed to have gotten a bit more comfortably around him, at least you didn't flinch or recoil anytime he approached you. But you couldn't forget, you couldn't overlook the fact that he was a murderer and a cannibal and still doubted if anything you two had lived together had been truly genuine.

Honestly, it offended him that you would even think that way. Wasn't he there for you, always? Didn't he protect you from the darkness of the outside world during your living times? Wasn't he, as a father, devoted enough to his fawn?

But of course, actions spoke louder than words, and his actions had left too many cracks in your trust. But he will keep trying to win you back. Alastor's very patient demon, he has all the time in the world.

Y̸̗͉̺̱͂̕o̸̧̯̞̟̰̪̗̱̳̱̎̈̿̄̄͛̅͝͝û̴̦͔̹͈̣̥̾͛͑͗͋̅̏̂̚ͅ ̷̭͋̈͛̽͒̅̀̈́́̚ă̷̢̢̖̦͕̞͚͔̻̳̅̇̃͌̿͐̄̃̕r̵̨̢̺̦͇͚̙̈́̅̽́̊͠ę̶̺̖͋̐͐͌͘͠͝ ̶̖̲͎̜̮͚͉̰̒n̵̢͕̝͖̗̜̣̾̾̇̾̅̽͊͘ǫ̴̼̺̠̱̦̘̒̈̎̿̇́̔̉t̴͙͇̼̱̻̦̦͔̖͙̍͌ ̸̩̂́̎͒͘g̶͔͚̰̺͔͉͓͍͔̈́̽̈́͋͘͜o̵̹͔̫͚̼͚͒͑į̷̧̫͔̹͉̰̘̮̍͋͒̈n̸̢͕̙̙̞͔̓͐̓ͅg̵͖͇̜͚̗͙̤̫̱̝̉̂́̚ ̴̪̂͑̓̊͛a̷̖̞͊̄̈́͑͋̈́̄͘n̶̻̟̙̝̪̩͂̋͗ẏ̸̨̛̱̱͇̱͖̤͕̥͛́̍̂͛̕͠w̸̛̖͎̫̑h̵͔̝̣̀ẹ̵̝͍̳̟͚̪̍̒͋̒̀̊̏r̷̨͉͉̒̑̉̒̄̎̓̎͜͝͠ȅ̸̩͇̳.̵̠̪̖̍͂͠.

[writingoddess1125]

Can you do a Sanji x reader angst?

Done-

Enjoy DEPRESSION!

Inertia

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Masterlist <<<

'Goodbye-'

He heard it every morning when he woke up from his nightmares- at this piint dreams since he was met with the same dream every night, Rolling himself up right as the sun rose forcing his day to start. Heading down to the kitchen, both his salvation and his personal prison at this point.

" Come on Sanji!-"

You cried, pulling him along to the ship that would take the both of you away. His sister saving both your lives that day in giving you all the chance to run- to free yourself from this hellish place!-

Hidden beneath the rhythmic clatter of utensils and the sizzle of ingredients in the pan, Sanji's heart harbored a constant darkness non could see. His eyes, filled with fire and sparkle, also held a subtle emptiness that went unnoticed by his comrades- A smile on his lips as he served breakfast to them all.

Laughing along with their jokes, flirting with Nami as if only to do so to keep the endless cycle going. Cook, Flirt, Smile, Train- Repeat.

"You gotta learn how to flirt Sanji!" You yelled, Sanji shyly staring at you in question. The two of you in the hall of thr shit you'd jumped to, peeling potstos to avoid the verbal abuse of the adults.

"But why?"

"Cause you gotta get girls silly! Got to make a good impression" You exclaim, rather flamboyant in your remarks which made Sanji mutter shyly about his lack of skill.

"Here just do what I do-" You clear your throat, Before giving a dramatic fluttering of your eyes and reaching forward to touch the youthful adolescents chest flirtatiously making him blush and bat you away like a startled kitten. You laughing at his reaction.

Cleaning up he made his way out to the main deck, practicing kicks and other moves with his peers. Arguing with Zoro- but it just didn't feel the same as the arguments he used to have with you.. missing the way your voice strained and waved with the force.

Before smiling at Luffy and talking with his captain- continuing his hollow laughs and empty smiles. Not long before returning to the kitchens were he prepped.

Sanji rusing as he felt the spray of the sea, the ache in his body as he clammered over the sharp rock he was stuck on. Seeing Zeff, the pirate who had taken over their ship as he rushed to him in a fit of rage "Where are they!?" He yelled at Zeff his eyes still searching for you, the hardened pirate shining the bag of food into the child's arms.

"We are the only survivors!- Now take your half and go!"

Serving dinner, he couldn't find it in himself to eat. His mouth bitter at remembering the moldy bread and salty water.

In the quiet moments when the kitchen lights dimmed, and the crew retired to their bunks, Sanji faced the hollowness that clung to him like a persistent shadow- Like you were still there wrapping your arms around him and whispering his undeserving praises.

Shaking the feeling for a moment, he stepped from the now clean kitchen. The dark night air welcoming him as they always did, the only true thing he could remeber of your scent was the constant smell of the sea on your clothes.

Looking back, Sanji was sure Zeff could hear his anguished cried for you those first few nights. His voice fading into nothing after the third day of sobbing your name and begging for you to return to him.

He stood there, Leaning against the railing in the direction of the where he knew your marker was. The one he had planted all those years ago as the place were you had been dragged away under the sea just north of the Baratie.

Pulling out a cigarette he lit it taking a deep drag as he looked out at the dark sea before him. The one who had taken you from him- Thinking of your final words, in that kitchen area when you shoved him towards Zeff as the crashing waves overtook the ship you were both in.

'Goodbye-'

[mayasaurusss]

Blurb of adult lottie with a younger partner who's in college and is stressed with exams and lottie just wants to take care of her because she's not taking care of herself 😖😖

Are you stressing about exams anon? Because I get you, it's so hard! 😩 But we can do it!

This is more of a 'blurb' (I think?) than anything really. Is this a blurb? I'm not sure...

I'm not really happy with this to be honest but writing about anything related to studying makes me go physically ill so...

Camomile.

Contents: fluff.

You look over for the millionth time at your notes, the words mixing and mashing until your eyes can't comprehend what you are reading anymore. Right now, it's 1am and you are tired. So, so tired. You started reading your notes at nine am, and had paused just two times all throughout the day. Your eye bags felt heavy and your mind mushed.

Lottie looks -spies- on you from behind the study room's door with worry. She sees you bent over the desk, with your nose in your notes and a short temprered look in her face. Lottie steps away from the room and heads to the kitchen.

She knows that you're overwhelmed: she couldn't really experience pre-exam anxiety but she remebers how fucking scared she had been before any test in highschool.

The best thing to calm someone who is overwhelmed, she learned, is a nice cup of tea. Or well, it's one of the best things. Lottie leans over the countertop and reaches for the drawer where she had stored all of the different kinds of tea she had collected over the past years. She thinks for a moment before deciding to opt for a camomille. This is the best blend she could get her hands on: it came directly from Europe and it was pretty damn expensive. Lottie had decided to grown her own camomile from that day on.

In just some minutes, the water has become a deep yellow and has a lovley smell. She smiles contendly, you will love this.

Lottie hums a little tune as she rounds the corner and come to your room door, but all her eagerness dies when she sees a deep scowl on your face. You had gotten more nervous and angrier while she had made the cup. She clears her throath and smiles when she enters the room.

"I made you this" she is careful to approach you, as she might be when approaching a rabid animal, and sets the cup on your desk. Your eyes have lost all their light and your eyebags are almost grey with fatigue. "Thanks" you say to her, cold and stonefaced.

She knows that there is no benefit for both of you if she forces you out of your chair, so she hums and places a kiss to your temple. Afterall she's pretty tired too.

The bedroom is dark, the only source of light is the gleam of the moon. Lottie is not even aware that she had begun sleeping until she's woken up by a sound in the dead of night. She reaches to her phone to see that it's 3am. She wonders if you are still up and if that noise was something she had to be wary of. She's not even out of bed yet when you stuble into the room. Your hair is messy, your face's lines underlined by the tiredness. The bed dips under your weight and silence fills the room once more. You feel Lottie's hand on your back and her lips on the back of your head. "Sweetie... do you want me to hold you?" it's the best thing that could come from her mouth. You've always disliked how other people wanted to estort information from you when you were clearly not in the mood.

You fall in Lottie's hug, sighing deeply into her chest. "Whenever you need me, I am here" she whispers to you, and at that, you instantly break into tears. Not because you're sad, not because you're mad, but because you are tired. You are so, so tired. And you miss Lottie.

She takes your cheeks and dries the stream of tears with her thumbs; places a kiss on the corner of your lips lovingly.

Sleep finally overcomes you: a sleep without any nightmares, without waking up in the middle of the night. You are snuggled in Lottie's arms and tugged away under the soft sheets while she strokes your hair. You both fall in a soft, calming and loving sleep.

[lee-annwrites1]

for me?, part one

quinn hughes x oc

notes-

small intro, i plan to dabble in this since my last one was too confusing and time consuming.

warnings-

nothing yet…

———————————————————————————

Vivienne, June 22nd, 2018

My heart raced as I caught sight of the old house on the lake. I haven’t been in years, yet the excitement I’d always gotten as a child only grows. The scent of pine and the sound of distant birds seem to piece together the fragments of my childhood I thought I’d forgotten.

Stepping out of the car, I hear the distant shouting and laughter of my childhood friends. I wonder whether the a reunion between us will be as effortless as it once had, or will time make its own complicated story.

The floorboards creek as I step inside, the stale smell of untouched wood fills my nose making me sneeze. “Vivienne!” Mom calls from outside, and I peer my head out the front door.

“Yes?” I question, catching sight of her kneeling in front of the small and clearly dead flower boxes placed on both sides of the steps.

“Be a dear a grab me some water for these?” She asks, and I nod my head. Water likely won’t help its decaying state, but I’ll let her try.

The glass’s are dusty, and the sink spurts when I turn it on. A clear sign no one’s been here for a while.

I step back outside, feeling the heat of the once hidden sun that now shines brightly in the mid day sky.

“Thank you Vivy.” She smiles gratefully at me, and I return it. I retreat back to the house, immediately searching for my room.

Down the hallway and a left turn, a room with tall and wide windows stays. I drop my bags beside the double bed, and walk to the windows. The house stands atop a slight hill from the water, where narrow wooden stairs cascade down toward the dock. Trees scatter along the walk, and a large deck can be seen from the corner of my window to the left outside the kitchen.

I smile, remembering all the nights I’d spend with my friends from back home in Pittsburg, counting stars from the window. We lied about how many shooting ones we’d see, just to impress each other. The thought makes me giggle.

—

Mom and I spend the next few hours dusting and sweeping the collected dust, before deciding it’s time for a much needed break.

She sits on the deck, while I make sparkling lemonade for the both of us. I bring the two glasses outside and set one on the table next to her. She thanks me quietly and I take a seat beside her.

“Is it just how you remeber?” She asks, referencing the now pink sky that fades over the lake.

“Better I think.” I mutter, still impressed by the view. Pittsburg could never compete with this.

She laughs, then takes a sip of lemonade. I hear a knock on the front door. “I’ll get it.” I say, patting her gently on the shoulder as I make my way inside.

I try to make out the face on the other side of the frosted window, but fail. I twist the knob, opening the door.

“Hi.” I smile out, unsure of what to say. Jack smiles with a flash of teeth, holding his hands together politely.

He speaks up, “My mom sent me here to ask if you wanted to join us for dinner tonight?” His confidence only grew since last we’d seen each other. Which comes as no surprise to me.

I laugh, not at the offer, but at the awkwardness. I clear my throat, “Sounds great Jacky, we’ll be there.”

He nods and turns away, skipping down the front porch steps. I hold the door and watch him walk toward the path in the trees we created all those years ago.

I shut it and return to the deck. “Who was it?” Mom questions, glancing at me.

“Jack,” I reply quickly, taking a seat. “He invited us for dinner at theirs tonight.”

She giggles, “Ellen sent him?”

“It was obvious.” I giggle back.

—

I dress in slightly more formal clothes, a nice baby pink top and denim shorts, incase we sit outside. Though it’s cooler by time we make the walk over.

The Hughes always eat dinner around 6:30 from what I remember. I always thought it was weird since my family was a 5:30 kinda family.

Mom and I don’t talk on the way, and we don’t have to. Mom carries a bottle of white wine, a favourite of Ellen’s.

The dark brown house comes into my view, making me smile. I think of all the times we spent playing in the front yard, playing tackle football or any competitive sport we could think of.

Mom knocks on the front door three times, and a rush of commotion is heard through the door.

Ellen opens it in a heartbeat. “My girls!” She smiles sweetly, wrapping my mother then me into a hug.

“How have you been?” Mom asks, following Ellen inside. I look around the room, tuning out their conversation. The living room stays the same on my left, stairs on my right. The kitchen is at the end of the open room, with a deck like mine over looking their own dock.

Ellen turns to me, “Your so beautiful dear, just like your mother.” She compliments, making my mom laugh.

“Thank you.” I smile.

“I know it’s been a while, but the boys are downstairs if you’d like to say hi.” She suggests and I nod in response.

I lead myself to the stairs, walking down as quiet as possible. I turn the corner, where three boys stand around a pool table facing their backs to me.

They discuss a next play, with the tallest pointing at the 8 ball toward the end of the table. Unsure of what to do, I watch from the bottom of the stairs. I hope someone will notice me so I won’t have to introduce myself again.

“What are you on?! Go left pocket and hit off the side.” I recognize Jacks voice from earlier, I watch his hands talk with him.

“Too risky.” A slightly deeper voice says, who stands in the middle.

“No risk no reward, just do it Quinn.”

Quinn.

“Viv?”

—

Part two

[lyrenminth]

Over the rain

Rainy days in Oregon were common during October, and you loved it when you had your big cozy boyfriend in bed, spooning you from behind.

But that wasnt the case today. Justin was mad at you, and you were mad at him. Everything started when you offered and interview in a friend podcast and he got mad because your started talking about your relationship with him. You did not say anything controversial really, it was the contrary but since he was extremely private he got upset, and you were fed up with that.

"Are you really giving the cold shoulder because I said good things about our marriage in a podcast?" you asked, standing in front of him. He was red from anger and did not want to look at you. Justin's anger was silent. "You know it is not for that reason" he argued back, voice low. "I don't want people noses in my marriage"

"Really? What's wrong with sharing that I have a happy marriage?" you snapped, raising your voice. "If this is about your privacy, don't worry but as the wife in the relationship I have the right to share whatever I want"

"I don't want you talking about me in those podcasts" he replied, coldly.

You laughed, incredulous. "Ok, another thing?" he rolled his eyes at your sarcasm. "You can't tell me what I get to say or not" you argued, feeling sick.

"We decided to keep things private!" he said, raising a little bit his voice, something uncommon.

"And they are Justin! Nobody knows a thing about our relationship besides that we are married. It was a two minutes conversation and you are making me feel awful about it" you said, your voice sounding watery "If you don't want to talk about the marriage, why did you marry me?"

"You know is not about you" you shook your head at his words, and went upstairs "I'm not going to apologize for saying that I have a great and supportive husband, that's nuts. I need time off"

You went to the bedroom to cry alone, because the feeling was choking you. You understood he was a private person, you understood you had an agreement, but why did it hurt so much? You wanted to share your hapiness and he didn't like it. After forty minutes, you wanted to talk to someone. You changed your clothes and put on a raincoat, the weather was gloomy but it was safe to walk outside. Your mom's house was twenty minutes away, and a walk could help to clear your mind.

Happy with your decision, you went out. Justin was in the living room, catching tape on mute. When he saw your fit he raised his eyebrows, stealing a glance at the window, the cloud were gray and heavy. "Were are you going?"

"To talk about our marriage with the neighbor" you said, snappy. You felt bad instantly but couldn't backtrack.

"There is a storming coming, you shouldn't be out" he ignore your snarky comment.

You grabbed an umbrella and the keys. "It is ok, Justin" you assured him. "I will call you"

You leave the house, and during the first ten minutes the weather was ok, then it became a fucking storm.

*******************************************************************

Justin was worried. Very worried. He couldn't watch the tape or pay attention to anything that wasn't the storm outside. The wind was harsh and so the rain, he realized you didn't took the car and he got a little scared. He was a asshole for arguing with you over the podcast. It wasn't a popular podcast, and it was true you only talked about the marriage like four minutes but he got mad anyway. He remebered you sad face when you went upstairs, you were heartbroken.

He rubbed his eyebrow and called you again. Nothing. There must be something with the signals. Maybe you were at your mom's house, you must. He called your mom, then your dad, nobody answered. The desesperation he was feeling wasn't normal. Why he didn't stop you?

He didn't want to think in the worst scenario. You were to precious to him, he didn't want to lose you...to hurt you.

Tha rain was pouring so heavily he couldn't see anything two meters ahead. He but a hoodie on, and grabbed an umbrella and the truck keys. He hold his breath all the way to your mom's house, in the short walk from the car to the door he got wet. He rang the bell, several times until your mom, opened the door, surprised to see him

"Hi, is Y/N here?" he asked, anxious.

"Yes, get inside, I'm going to bring you something to dry yourself" she said. Justin went to the living room, and you were there. Sitting down, with a blanket over your legs, a mug between your hands, and your beutiful eyes looking at the T.V, they were a little bit red. You were crying. Your hair was darker as if wet. When he cleared his throat, your gaze fell on him, your eyes widening with surprise.

"Justin? What are you doing here?" you almost dropped your mug at the sight of you tall husband looking all tousled and damp.

"I want to see you're fine" he said.

"But...there is a storm outside. Did you drive here?" you asked, incredulous.

"Yes, I did" your mom appeared with sandals and a blanket for Justin who thank her politely.

"I'm going to leave you talk" she said, with a warm smile.

Your mom knew you and Justin discussed, but you never told her the reason. It was a private bussiness.

You were frozen in your place as he approached you.

"I'm sorry" he said. You held your breath. "I shouldn't have gotten angry. You-you can share your hapiness over our marriage, even though you aren't happy now" he sounded so sincere and regretful.

"It's ok" you eyes started getting watery. How much you loved this man was beyond explanation. "I'm not angry anymore" He sat next to you, and you put the mug over the tiny table near the couch. "You are my husband, I choose you" he closed his eyes, feeling the words hit.

"Thank you" he said, opening his green eyes, showing a glimpse of vulnerability he didn't show often. You hugged him, an without much words, everything was fine again. Because the things between Justin and you were simple, honest, raw.

[none-duh-nah]

SIX EYES ON ME

summary: gojo and his lover of the past finding eachother again.

Warnings: angst with comfort, charecter death(s), past life lovers, Lowkey very angsty, fluff if you squint, arrange marriage with love,

You looked at the sky before looking into his eyes only to think the sky mimicked them. His eyes held the sky, the air, your whole world, your happiness, your sadness and everything above and beyond. They were indescribably beautiful.

Different people liked different kinds of wether. Some like a clear sky while some liked a dark and clouded one with no ounce of warmth. You liked the one inside his eyes though.

You and the young Gojo clan heir had been promised to one another the moment you met. You had done it by yourself since it was practically a crime for someone from the Gojo clan and your clan to even look at each other. Yet here you were, standing right where you belong. It could be anywhere really as long as it was beside him.

You were dressed in the purest of white while him in his most formal clothes with his clan emblem on it. Today was the day something so humiliating and unacceptable to the higher ups was to take place. The marriage of the Gojo heir to you. Of course it had taken a lot to get where you were today. You had come across only hurdles and misfortunes onthe way but all that is a different story for a different time. All of it was all worth as you both got to marry person you've been cherishing since the day of your meeting. The person you've been wanting for as long as you can remember. You were so so happy, so was your lover.

You were more than ready for the things that were to take place today. To seal the bond that would make you his forever, to step into a new life, to be happy. But you could've never even imagined what happened afterwards.

Your love who had been your husband for barely 2 whole nights got murdered in cold blood by the Zenin clan head. The Zenin man died before you even got there and your arrival was only to watch your husband die before you. You took one look and knew you were going be widowed. The six eye user was able to see his wife before he closed his eyes. He apologized. She forgave him.

"My eyes will always recognise your heart." He said laying on your lap with only a few more seconds on life left in him.

You looked into his tired eyes with nothing but love and sadness as you spoke to him.

"It belongs to you. I suppose it would be easier to find whats already yours yeah?." Your spoke calmly as ever since your tears could'nt even fall out of your eyes. They were all staying inside barely even appearing. Your heart had been shattered. But the pieces were far from lost because you knew your husband. He always kept his word to you. You would believe him no matter how many odds were against you and him.

"I'm your's too, in every universe, in every possible reality, in every possible life I will be yours. Please find me too sweetheart." he said as he smiled one last time, leaving you in a world that wasn't yours.

"Till we meet again." you said as you felt your tears again. Once they started falling, they kept falling. They fell on him, they fell on your dress, they fell on the floor. They were all you. You cried as you held fhe body of your parted soulmate. Then the sky started crying with you. You hated the sky that wasn't his eyes. You hated the world that wasn't yours. You had lost your mind, your hearf and your soulmate. You died that day.

As soon as you completed your duties as a wife at his funeral you died again. Your heart stopped and you closed your eyes hoping to meet your love when you open them. You did'nt. Well not right away I guess.

You met him again when you joined jujutsu high at the age of 16. You remembered nothing of your past life that ended so tragically.

You remembeded nothing when you saw him for the first time. You remebered nothing when you talked to him for the first time. But you knew it. Your heart squeezed in your chest when he showed you his eyes. Your heart knew who he was and since your heart doesnt have memoey neurons you didnt remember(that was bad i know). You again mentally promised yourself to one another that day.

You met Satoru gojo when you were sixteen even thought you had known him for centuries. You fell in love and had gotten married too. Now you were standing at your shared home wearing nothing but his shirt, doing your skin care in your shared bathroom while he hugs you from the back burrying his head in your hair. He only looked up to have momentary glances at your face in the mirror infront of you as he kissed your neck then and now.

"I just got deja vu." He said tightening his hands around your torso.

"You seem to be getting that a lot these days." You said as you applied a serum on your face with one hand as your other went to sqeeze his bicep.

"Its crazy actually. Its almost like i can see it all." He said placing a small kiss on your cheek.

"Man.. you and your weird six eyes." You said turning around to wrap your hands around his neck, bringing his face close to you."

"What do you even see?"

Then he replied.

"I see my whole world."

You looked at him with confusion. But confusion could never raise your heartbeat like this.

"I see you."

an : i dont know much about traditional Japanese weddings and fhats why i didn't get into many details.. I am a poor asian person whose first is not English so i could only hope you didn't come across MANY grammatical errors... Thank you so mucn for reading! Have a nice day.

[livfastdieyoung69]

Can I have Edge x Fem reader with the prompts “Spend the night with me”+ “You have no idea how much I want you"?

HAVE A DRINK ON ME

(Adam ‘Edge’ Copeland x gn!Reader)

After another great victory of the tag team belts for E&C, two very good friends of not only yours but truly the rest of the roster as well, it was deemed worthy to celebrate with a couple of drinks. It was also Monday, which meant you had four days off, so truly, it would be a lot more than a couple of drinks. Especially for Adam apparently.

He was having the time of his life, a bashful grin covering his cheeks, a little rosey from alcohol and laughter as he made his way through the groups everyone had unintentionally formed. Originally, he had been sitting on the barstools with you after finally convincing you to even come, but as soon as Christian was stumbling off he flew right after him. Your boyfriend loved his boyfriend more than he loved you sometimes.

You shook him off with a laugh, he was always super extroverted and it seemed to get worse when he drank.

“Leaving you just like that, huh?” A man, you couldn’t remeber his name, spoke from next to you. He was new to WWF, like a couple weeks new. As of now, you were pretty sure he was in a tag-team with Road Dogg.

“Oh,” You look over your shoulder at Adam with a laugh, “Yeah. It’s whatever, wherever Christian goes he must follow.” Somehow, Adam had seen your glance of him and completely left whatever conversation he was having and started barreling towards you. The man you were talking with watched him practically dive at you across the bar, shock clear on his face. Confustion takes over you but before you’re able to ask whats wrong, Adam is wrapping you in a huge bear hug from behind and giving you the biggest, wettest, fat kiss on the cheek.

“Missed you.” He spoke, but didn’t move from his spot, lips murming into your now wet cheek. “You wanna go home? Lets go home.” He finally stepped back, disregarding the guy by your side and tried to gently pry you from the bar stool.

“Adam, I’m having a conversation.” You tried scolding him but the smile slipping past you didn’t help your matter much. He stopped trying to pull you from the sticky chair and instead leaned in between your legs, planting another wet kiss to your lips. The guy you had been talking to took a hint and left with a chuckle. You would’ve apologized if your face wasn’t being sucked off at the moment. Adam grabbed your hands and layed them against his cheeks, giving them a little pat before leaning furhter into you with a happy hum. You had a habit of putting your hands to his face when he kissed you, clearly he liked it. Giggling against his lips you pulled away from him, eyebrows raised at his antics.

“Whats gotten into you, hm?” You asked, muttering to him in his closeness as your thumbs swiped across his warm skin.

“You don’t wanna leave with me? C’mon, spend the night with me.” He knew exactly what he was doing with that tone and those eyes.

“If you really wanna leave we can, but we’re not doing anything like that,” He starts pouting under your gaze but before he can start complaining, you interrupt him. “Sweetheart, you’re drunk. I’ve really only had a couple Cokes, somone has to drive you and Christian back. I’m not doing anything with you while you’re like this.”

He understood where you were coming from and didn’t want to push himself on you, so instead he just nodded but the disappointment in his eyes stayed.

“Stop pouting!” You laughed at him, finally taking your hands from his face and gave his shoulder a playful hit. “If you really wanna leave, go find Christian and drag him back here, I’ll take you to the hotel.” He groaned your name up to the sky, now far too unmotivated to look for Christian. With a sigh, you grab the collar of the leather jacket he always seemed to be wearing and pulled him down to you, forcing him to look you in the eyes.

“Adam, you have no idea how much I want you right now, but I won’t do anything when you’re in this state. Maybe, possibly, if you manage to sober up while were at the hotel…” Your whispering trailed off suggestively, fingers rubbing against the smooth fabric of his jacket.

“I could’ve never asked for a better partner. You’re perfect and I love you more than anyones ever loved anybody ever.” He rushed, giving you another wet, frankly gross kiss before hes running off after Christian, much like he’d done earlier.

seriously you need anything done at all turn on some damn instrumental guitar, not joking ive never been able to focus like this its crazy, but ive also been writing in the dark and i cant see anything except my screen so that might also be helping lol.

short, but cute ig. getting tired, so ill prolly look over this tomorrow after posting, sorry if it sucks rn

only two more requests then i gotta get some work done on these damn series i havent updated this shit in like atleast half a year its sad

title is the acdc song!! havent listened to it in years but thats all i can think of rn lmao

[adventuringblind]

Butterflies on You Skin

Oscar Piastri x Reader

Genre: angst and hurt/comfort

Request: No, this is entirely self indulgent

Summary: Sometimes, the coping mechanisms we create aren't the ones we need...

Warnings: graphic images if SH

Notes: I do not in any way condone SH. I used to read fics like this when I was going through it and it helped. Like somehow reading about fictional me doing it and then getting help allowed he to have those same sensations. My point being that I am struggling at the time I'm writing this and I'm determined to stay clean (almost two years!). This helps me and I hope it helps someone else out there too. Remeber you're not alone ❤️

Masterlist

People don't understand that pain can become addicting. When you've been through so much of it, all of it not by choice, choosing the pain feels like a release.

She knows it's wrong. She knows there are better ways of dealing with things. But she can't see to stop herself.

It's her way of reminding herself she has power and control. She picks where the knife goes and how deep it cuts into her skin. She chooses when and where it happens.

It was something she needed and relied on for so long. Until she met Oscar.

They were teenagers when they met. Some birthday party for a mutual friend. Both of them left feeling out of place, so they gravitated towards each other.

Phone numbers were exchanged.

They spent far too much time talking to each other. She felt that he kept her down to earth. That no matter the bad things that happened, he would be there. Even replacing the knife occasionally.

He found her intriguing. Her perspectives on life and her dreams for the future. Her head had a tendency to get stuck in the clouds, but he didn't mind. He likes listening to her talk.

When they both graduate, he invites her to his races. Watching him felt fulfilling in a way, and she likes the traveling.

Yet when she's alone. Her head is sending her to places she can't come back from. When she needs the sting she's come to crave, she's spending the night with her knife.

When Oscar finishes his f2 career and becomes the third driver for Alpine, he ends up confessing his feelings for her. Something she's been wanting to do for years but never could.

A week later, he's kissing her. Her heads find the clouds easily after that. Something about his presence and how he is so genuine clears away the hurricane that is her thoughts.

Being a third driver means Oscar does have a bit more free time. He gets to go home to see her more often. Something she's not used to.

The Australian gets home late one night. He comes in quietly since he figures she's already asleep.

Oh, how terribly wrong he is.

She'd had a fight with her family earlier that day. Her parents have never been good at communication, and they still claim they gave her a better life than what they had. Which is true, she thinks.

She has no reason to be sad.

Another reason to draw the sharp edge across her skin. Another thin red line to add to the ever growing tally.

Oscar sees the bathroom door closed and the light turned on. He hears the clatter next. He presses his ear to the door. Debating whether to make his presence known or if that would scare her more than if he waited.

The hiss of pain is what gets him. "Love? Are you alright?" All movement on the other side stops. Then the clatter again.

She hates when she gets sloppy. She knows she's gone too far, and Kscar wasn't supposed to be home until tomorrow.

She stares down at the crimson colored lines. The contents of the wounds coat her skin at dripping to the floor.

"Love? Please answer."

But she can't answer. what is she supposed to say? That her unhealthy coping mechanism is finally becoming her undoing. The she's tried to stop but the sensation is something she's learned to crave?

Oscar tried the handle. Received to find it unlocked. He opens just a small crack. He's never been one to invade her privacy.

The look of pain in his eyes makes her sob. He dosent move when he sees her. His mind trying to register what he's seeing.

How had he never noticed until now?

He can tell she’s panicking. He gently moves himself to the floor, grabbing a towel as he goes. He doesn’t say anything, just gently start to clean her up.

When he’s successfully disinfected the wounds and has bandages them up, he lead her into their room.

“I know it’s hard, but we have to talk about it.”

She just shakes her head in response. He deserves an explanation. Really, he deserves someone better.

She just tells him everything. Basks in the gentleness of his voice and warmth of his touch as she does so.

~

She was expecting him to leave. Her mind convinced she was unlovable in her state. After all, who could fall in love with someone who crave the sting of a knife?

But she was wrong.

Oscar was somehow filled with a new sense of purpose and they found themselves working together to help her pull through to the other side. A reminder that she is far from alone.

He’s quick to find a way to help her and when he does it feels almost magical.

The butterfly project. The goal is to not kill the butterflies.

They start small. She puts the butterfly on her hand. Just a simple doodle.

It doesn’t last long and she’s crying over the fact she killed it.

The next time around there are two butterflies. One on her and one in Oscar. His drawing take much more time. His deliberate design giving her more motivation to not ruin it.

It’s gone in two weeks and she relapses that day. Yet the fact she made it that far was an accomplishment.

Soon the butterflies are everywhere. Both their arms covered.

It became something she did when she was bored. Her hands drawing the bugs in every open surface.

It was difficult and she slipped but she was getting better.

Oscar was so incredibly proud of her. He got asked frequently about the creatures that littered his skin. He just said he liked them and so does his girlfriend.

When Oscar started with McLaren, Lando noticed them immediately. “If you ever need to talk I’m here if you want.” Oscar shoots him a confused look before remembering the lovely blue butterfly colored in with Sharpie placed in the middle of his forearm.

So she's made it to a year. Sure, she's slipped here and there, but it's nothing like it used to be. It's something to celebrate.

Oscar spends the entire day with her. Praising her acomplishment and reminding her how proud he is if her and how proud she should be of herself.

She is proud. It's something she never thought she could do. Not on her own, at least.

It's Oscar that helped her through and the butterflies in her skin.

Now she's has a permanent one. A reminder she came through to the other side. A reminder that she is not alone. Most importantly, a reminder she's loved.

~

Remember you're not alone.

This was somewhat based on a true story. Here's my reminder to myself every day that I'm not done yet, and neither are you. Keep fighting loves ❤️

[thequietkid-moonie]

Meeting someone who doesn't exist

[ ONE-SHOT ] [ Hanako, Yashiro & Kou ]

[ Toilet Bound Hanako-kun / Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun ]

I saw something similar to this happening in two of my favorites stories and I was like fuck off, I'll write about it!!

I enjoyed writing this SO MUCH!!! I hope you enjoy reading it too ❤️

One day an interesting aparition started to wander around the school, no one really knows from where it came from or how long it has been here, not even the supernaturals knows about it, even the leader of the seven misteries were surprised the first time he saw you

Hanako, as the leader of the seven, has to make sure you wouldn't be here to cause problems to humans or supernaturals, so when he finally noticed you he started making his research, aproaching you in hopes to solve this peacefuly (and dragging Yashiro and Kou with him). Words more or words less, Hanako was very clear with his intention to know you better, mainly your name and your reason to be there, however he encounter a problem that he would never guess it could happen, you cannot answer his question because you don't know the answer

All of them were surprised by your answer but tried to help you remeber, is normal to ghosts to don't remember about their previous life as humans so they just assumed it was that (or wanted to believe that it was that), is more likely that they end up dragging you around the school in hopes that something, anything could bring you memories (honestly, it was more Kou and Yashiro's idea), they drag you all around the school, the classrooms, the clubs, even where the borders are but nothing was of use, you couldn't remeber anything, you couldn't even remember your name

The whole situation was not only weird but also suspicious, deciding to move forward more cautiously all of them (mostly by Hanako's hand) started to drag you with the supernaturals in hopes that they could be of help, even just an advice could be of use. When the options began to run out they opted to even try to search for your book with Tsuchigomori, but it was usless since you don't know your name; as last resource they visited the first mistery, asking their help in an attempt to know more about your past, but they couldn't help neither because you don't have a past

In a attempt to be able to solve the confusing puzzle you are, Kou had even resorted to ask Teru for his help, making him promise that he won't get violent with you (or Hanako) right away before even letting him meet you, Teru accepted only because his brother asked him and for how he talked about you he actually wanted to know you (because he wanted to make sure you weren't just hiding your intentions and be a threaten), but the moment Teru finally met you he was completely taken aback, he take a full moment to watch you closely, trying to comprehend you, but at the end his conclusion wasn't better than from the others, according with Teru you shouldn't be even here, you weren't human but you weren't a supernatural neither, you simply aren't anything, even when they can see you, talk to you and even touch you you just don't exist

No matter what they do to try to help you or find out more about you, the more they try the more strange the situation turns to be, they can't help to feel completely worry about you, specially when you don't seem too bothered by it, yes, you may be surprised by everything and worried at first but no matter what else you find out there is always the feeling inside of you that tells you that it is okay, you don't have to afraid since this is the way it should be

At some point, and thanks to their help, you did finally was able to understand that you being here was an error, some time ago you had given up to not only your life but your complete existance, you had been completely erradicated from the world for a greatest good, something that, in your eyes, was totally worthy of the sacrifice you were doing and you don't feel any kind of regret about your decision, even if at this point you don't remember anything about it and you know you shouldn't even be there you were at peace about it

Hanako was completely confused, he didn't undestand at all, Yashiro were terrified by the posibility of you don't existing and even being an error your presence, and Kou couldn't just bring himself to even accept that fact, it was too much to process for the poor guys, and yet seeing you take this situation so naturally was even more confusing. They couldn't just undestand nor accept the fact that you shouldn't exist

How could you say that you don't exist or shouldn't be here when they can see you and touch you? You had even became their friend! All this time that all of you were trying to trying to find answers you had share a lot, you were having fun, getting all confused and worried together, and all of that wasn't a lie, you did laugh and worry with them, you talked and shared a lot with them, you can't just came and say that you shouldn't be here now

By trying to help you (and probably try to cope with the shock) Yashiro bring out the thought that since you are here then you exist! even if the world refused to aknowledge you they can see you and that is more than enough for them to know that you exist, so with that it mind Yashiro, followed by Kou and Hanako, were now determinated to give you a new life, to aknowledge your existance, and the first step to do that was giving you a name

[saneandrocking]

I need more about dead stan au

To be clear, I'm not sure if this idea has been already exposed and is the theme of someone's fanfic out there. I just like Dead people AU and suffering. With that said, I kinda raw dog this righ here and I hope you like the flavor!

Bits of context: This is the AU where Stan dies while he's sleeping in his car, is basically a casuality of him getting robbed, reacting and getting killed, nothing much in the side of the extraordinary. I don't remeber exactly all of the series details, but I'm rewatching it, I promise! Yes, it's a music fic, cause I'm corny. The lyrics at the right are Standford's and they belong to Come Home by One Republic and the lyrics at the left are Stanley's and they belong to Take me home by Jess Glynne, because this is how I pictured they both feel at this moment in their respective lives. Remember: Stanley's is barely a legal adult whe he's is evicted from his house and he has canonically hold a grudge because of it, and I don't think I need to justify Stanford's anger. They both have made decision that are unmistakenly selfish, and that does not define their whole characters. Kissessss!

Major trigger: Grief. Major Character Death. Curse language.

After the fallout between the Pines twins, Stanford was accepted into another university, less prestigious but with generous resources for his research. Alongside Fiddleford, he was determined to prove to the rest of the scientific community that this world was far from being fully explained by the already known elements of nature. He was more motivated than ever to delve into the obscure side of anomalies. He was going to make sure his name was not forgotten in history. He's ambitious, he has something to prove, and he feels—or has always felt—like he's already running out of time to do it, so he's fighting against the clock.

Well, hello, world

Hope you're listening

Forgive me if I'm young

For speaking out of turn

He's in his dormitory room at the college he attends, and Fiddleford is taking a well-deserved nap after helping him with some more references, while he's still researching one of the maps of anomalies recorded in the last decade. There's a certain frequency in certain areas, not old-fashioned publicity tricks to attract attention, no, it's something more… He feels like he's going in circles, even though he can see there's a pattern there. He squeezes his tired eyes; the low lighting isn't doing him any favors when the telephone (something Fiddleford found in the trash and brought home to fix) rings. It's three after midnight, and he knows nothing good can come of this.

He doesn't have time to say anything after picking up the damn thing ringing like crazy and putting it to his ear.

—Stanford, for God's sake, why aren't you answering this damn thing?! I've used all my coins trying to call the university, but they only gave me your roommate's number— a feminine voice berates him. He waits a few seconds, trying to place that strident voice, but the answer comes quickly, of course. The only woman who would call him in the middle of the night is his mom.

—Mom. I've already told you, I don't have time! I have to study even harder since Stan— He stops himself, angry. Sometimes, remembering his brother is still a mix of anger and resentment that he can't fully name to this day. He sighs.

There is someone I've been missing

—It's not the time for that! It's about your brother.— Her tone is not authoritative, but there's an agony there, a desperation that only a mother can express. A guilt trip is what she does best, he thinks bitterly somehow.

Wrapped up, so consumed by All this hurt If you ask me, don't Know where to start

—Mom, what the actual—why would I care what he does?! He ruined everything for me! I'm going to hang up now, I'm busy, call me later.— Deep down, he already feels bad enough for talking to her like that. His poor mother has tried her best all her life, just as he is doing now. And, vaguely, probably Stan is living like that too, even if his best is in another category of stupidity.

—No, no, please!— Loud sobs interrupt her speech, and he sobers up right there. His mom is not one to cry over just anything. —Ford, he is…

—Mom? What happened? I'm sorry, I lashed out.— He runs his hand through his hair, breathing in and out. —What did he do now?— A long and strained sigh, again. Why does everything have to be a problem with Stan? —Are we talking about Stan or the baby? If it's the first, let me guess.— There's a certain humor in the guessing game; he bets Stan did some nonsense expecting him to clean up after him. Again.

Anger, love, confusion Roads that go nowhere I know that somewhere better

—He's dead, Stanford. Stanley's dead,— she says finally.

—What,— he says, as if in a chokehold, struggling to get the words out.

—I'm going to pass you to your dad, he'll…— His mother chokes on her words and murmurs loudly, —My baby boy Stanley…

—Mom?! What—I can't—!— He's lost. That's all he can say and think. Stanley's lost, not dead, just lost. The idea of death is too much.

I think that they could be

The better half of me

They're in the wrong place

Tryin' to make it right

But I'm tired of justifying

—Hello, son.— The serious and deep tone of his dad doesn't do much to calm the desperate young man; it only intensifies his horror. Stanley's lost. Lost is the word they are searching for.

—Can someone just tell me what I just heard? Stanley is—it can't be, Dad…please, talk to me! He's lost?— Why does he ask something as stupid as this? He knows what he heard.

So I say to you

Come home, come home

'Cause I've been waiting for you

—It's what your mother told you. I have nothing more to say. The funeral— The rest of his words get lost in the moment. All Stanford could hear was the sound of the pen he was holding before it fell onto the table, and the room he shared with his friend became a world of its own. An empty and devastated world, full of silence and sorrow.

Would you take the wheel If I lose control? If I'm lying here Will you take me home?

Stanford can't remember how this conversation ended, how his too-hard-to-impress father explained with a shaky and strained voice when the event was going to be. He didn't even have the money to buy something formal to wear to his brother's burial. Would he be buried in his father's suit? He can only describe the slow and painful realization that came with the equally painful heartache: his twin was dead. If there was such a thing as another half of someone, his was dead and about to be buried six feet under within the next hours.

Could you take care Of a broken soul? Will you hold me now? Oh, will you take me home?

The one and only Stanley Pines died far from home, probably alone, while Ford was studying the anomalies of the world, trying to once in a lifetime feel like he belonged, only to discover that nothing could have been more important than his blood—but suddenly, that was a too-late realization.

Fiddleford stared at him as he fell to his knees, too stunned to utter a word, too broken to make sense. He later woke from this numbness holding a cup of coffee in his hands, tears rolling down his cheeks. Stan was dead, and he was alive, and now this is what he'll remember for the rest of his conscious life. This, and the broken look on his mother's face when she saw him at her door on the same day her other son died—his father did not have the strength to look directly at him.

And right now there's a war between the vanities

But all I see is you and me

And the fight for you is all I've ever known

So come home

At the funeral, the only ones present were him and his mother. Despite all the emotions (too overwhelming for Ford to watch, by the way), his father outright refused to see Stanley in the coffin. —I can't take it. I'm not man enough to watch it. Take care of your mother.

He prayed that day, to a God he wasn't sure could even hear him. The guilt was louder than him, but he tried anyway. With all the conflicting feelings in his chest, between his anger and profound grief, he did what he could with all of that, standing side by side with the cold body of his deceased brother. The mirror image of himself lying down, more neat than ever.

The world ain't half as bad

As they paint it to be

If all the sons, all the daughters

Stopped to take it in

Well, hopefully, the hate subsides

And the love can begin

It might start now, yeah

Well, maybe I'm just dreaming out loud

—I will fix this, Stan. I swear. Or I'll see you after giving up. Either way: wait for me one more time.

Everything I can't be

Is everything you should be

And that's why I need you here

[kotton-kandy953]

━ 𝙻𝚄𝙲𝙺𝚈 𝙼𝙴

➛ yandere!nagito k. x fem!reader

title page┆word count: 714┆warnings: none┆a/n: not thoroughly proofread btw. the prologue can be skipped if you do not want to read it. I only wrote it for context reasons !

❝ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏ, ɪ'ᴍ ᴏʙꜱᴇꜱꜱᴇᴅ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʏᴏᴜ ❞

╰⋯➤ saccharine — jazmin bean

PROLOGUE ━ SCHOOL TRIP ?

⤷ 𝖄𝖔𝖚

were completely shocked by the information just dumped onto you and the 16 other students.

For context reasons, I have to explain what has happened in the last few hours.

Today was supposed to be your first day of School at Hope's Peak Academy as the Ultimate High-school level Digital Artist.

But to everyone's dismay, some pink stuffed bunny named "Usami," who proclaimed to be your teacher, explained that you and a bunch of high schoolers you've never met are forced to go an a "heart-throbbing school trip" in this strange tropical paradise.

After she finished explaining that you all needed to collect hope fragments and get along, everyone just went their separate ways, you included.

You were about to go into the lobby of the hotel when a hand suddenly rested on your shoulder. You let out a sigh before turning around.

There were two taller males standing in front of you. One was skinner with pale, almost white skin. He had white hair and tips that faded into a pale brown.

The other had tanner skin, green eyes and spiky short hair. He was the last person to enter the classroom earlier.

"U- uh... hi...?" You asked awkwardly, not really wanting to indulge in conversation at the moment.

The white haired male smiled, "Sorry to bother you... L/n, is it?"

How did he-

"I'm Nagito Komaeda, the Ultimate Lucky Student. I know, a worthless talent, huh? I won't blame you if you ever forgot it"

His brown haired companion awkwardly broke the weird tension Nagito had put in the atmosphere.

"I'm Hajime Hinata, nice to meet you." He cleared his throat, "And I don't really... remeber my talent..." he trailed off.

"It's okay if you don't remember it, a lot has happened in the past hour." You smiled reassuringly, making Hajime smile back.

But Nagito smiled even bigger, "I should've known you'd say something like that! As expected from such a hopeful Ultimate as yourself!"

"Uh... thanks? I’m Y/n L/n, the Ultimate Digital Artist.”

After that... odd... conversation with the two, Usami suddenly came onto the nearest monitor and announced to everyone that they needed to go to the beach.

"Are you going, L/n?" Hajime asked after glancing over at Nagito.

"Do we really have a choice?" You responded.

Once the bathing suits were distributed and your classmates started to get in the water, you stood by Hajime, who also didn't want to join the others.

"You're not going with them?" You asked curiously.

He shook his head, "No, I don't want to..."

That was until he heard Usami's "encouraging" words and ran to go get a swimsuit.

Then, you were alone.

"Maybe I should—" before you could finish your thought, the sky grew grey with dark storm clouds. And the monitors blinked on and a strange, laidback, high-pitched voice rang out.

"Mic check... mic check... can you hear me?" Everyone froze at the strange change of atmosphere.

"Now then, sorry to keep you all waiting for so long. Let's leave all this worthless entertainment behind...

It's time for the main attraction! You guys better hustle over to Jabberwock Park!"

And that's what you all did, despite their oddly playful voice, it has a very threatening undertone that sent a shiver down your spine.

Once at said park, a half-white half-black stuffed bear appeared out of the blue and became know as "Monokuma" in a rather... extravagant way.

Next, the stuffed bear quite literally violated Usami and transformed her into Monomi, his "younger sister."

Then finally, he explained to you all that one must get away with murder to leave the island.

When he began listing the many ways to end a person's life, you froze in fear and shock.

'M- murder...?' you thought, no, there's no way this is real...

Noticing your unease, Nagito made his way over to you and rested his hand onto your shoulder. He gave you a smile that was supposed to calm your nerves but it only did the opposite.

“Don’t touch me, please.”

back to title page┆proceed to chapter one┆partially proofread

[miss-multi45]

Hey lovely, it's me 🐝 again :)

I know I just requested not to long ago, and I absolutely loved it, and I was wondering if it's not to much, if you could do headcannons for either ghouls/ghoulettes or sleep token, I had a really shitty day, (im trans ftm) and I just hate when people purposely deadname me or purposely not use my preferred pronouns, I was just wondering how the ghouls or sleep token would react if something like this happens to reader or something. I understand if this is an uncomfortable topic, I know it is for alot of people so don't feel pressured to do it:)

Remeber to stay hydrated and eat something, have a good night/day -🐝

hi sweetheart! ofc I can ♡♡♡

sleep token

iii

talks over them to get the point through

when he realised it was purposely, he grabs their collar and lectures them on respecting you and referring to you correctly

iv

cuts them off "hell no, my girlfriend/boyfriend/lover goes by these pronouns, and you will respect that."

aggressive love, he does that to anyone who deadnames you or uses the wrong pronouns

ii

"uh excuse me, the fuck?!"

gets offended, walks away from them and brings you with him like, "how uncultured are these swines?!" (swines means pigs in British slang)

vessel

"i just think that (incorrect pronouns)-" vessel: "(correct pronouns)" "right, right. well (incorrect pronouns)." vessel: "it's (says correct pronouns in a scary voice)." "o-ok, sorry."

will not stop correcting them

he starts to get threatening if they do it too many times on purpose

ghouls

swiss

gets so defensive

like "oh fuck no, my lover's pronouns are (correct pronouns) and you will fucking respect that, do you understand?"

will not leave it alone until they get it right

sodo

murders them

just kidding..maybe

no, but, he will leave the room with you slung over his shoulder

rain

person: "(incorrect pronouns) is such a-" rain: "oh it's actually (correct pronouns."

didn't know they were doing it on purpose until he saw the smug look on their face

then he developed a passionate hatred for them

phantom

avoids them

its happened before, and he won't let you go anywhere near that person for as long as they live

mountain

stares down at them with judgment in his eyes

they get scared and refer to you properly now

aether

"no, no, no, it's (correct pronouns)."

polite about it in the beginning, then he gets a bit rudely polite about it

like "it's (correct pronouns), use it please."

omega

scoops you up into his arms and leaves

he doesn't stand for that shit, and he will never stand for that shit

alpha

"(correct pronouns), you idiot."

isn't nice about it, at all

he will never do anything nice for that person ever again

ifrit

"(correct pronouns). fucking use it, you dimwit."

doesn't hold back on the insults, because if they're doing it on purpose, they deserve to be mistreated

ghoulettes

aurora

hugs you by the waist and corrects them

"it's (correct pronouns)."

secretly despises that person

cirrus

"my darling is a (correct pronouns). is that clear?"

gets even more protective of you

makes sure that person doesn't do that again

cumulus

"no, (correct pronouns)."

like a teacher telling a child off

treats them like a child to annoy them

mist

"it's not (incorrect pronouns). ask them what their pronouns are, don't assume."

very stern

similar to cumulus

[oh-for-fic-sake-library]

A Choice

Masterlist

Summary: kylo struggled with his past, the lies, feelings and heavy burden of being his mothers son. But at the temple he'd found solace, not in the force or his teachings. But you, the young girl with her own struggle in the dark. He fell in love. Time passed, alliances change but his feelings did not. And now he has you captured, but not even he knows what he's going to do with the woman who makes his heart race.

Warnings : swearing, kissing, angst, fluff and general feels, softer kylo?

A/N: the promot for this is: kylo is a soft boi and no one can change my mind. I hope you enjoy my first kylo oneshot 😊🥰

Wordcount: very long, not sorry

Not beta'd

For the first time in a long time he was unsure, at a complete loss on what he should do. You looked back at him aprihensive, fearfull yet he could see the deeper concealed relief and dare he say joy?

Your eyes were wide and expressive, just as they had always been. Skin still glowing its beautiful deep bronze even in the harsh white light above. Your breathing was erratic, switching from shallow panicked breaths and low deep intakes that he knew were used to calm and center yourself.

His eyes roamed you, he felt himself flush slightly thankfully he had his mask still in place. You were no longer a small gangly pre teen but a woman. Supple curves had replaced the lithe muscle youd been youd been honing. Your hands though shackled showed no signs of calluses. And the dress you wore wasnt practical for hard labour, fleeing or fighting. It was clear the rumours were true, you hadn't stayed with skywalker to complete your training. And you certainly hadnt chose a life of a warrior.

Kylo sighed heavily, he didnt know how he felt about your fate. You'd come to train along side him, allbeit not by choice. But you'd still ended up by his side. You'd only really ended up there because you were a potential problem like him. Strong in the force, yet it was rooted in the dark side. The first time youd used the force properly you'd intentionally hurt your father. The fact it was to save your mother from being beaten to death was never acknowledged. As far as everyone was concerned you were a ticking time bomb they needed under control or eliminated.

He remebers you fondly, youd grown together becoming close despite skywalkers attempts to seperate you both. The first time he met you was the day you arrived, a small girl two years younger then him. He was nine when you were dropped off. You were scared and didnt understand why you were seperated from your parents. Skywalker didnt take time to explain things properly. Instead telling you that you were going to be trained and become a jedi. As if you should almost be excited, greatfull even.

Youd cried, pleading with wide tearful eyes to anyone who looked at you to take you home, that you had to go home and protect your mother, that your father was evil and will hurt her. No one paid anymind, thinking you were just a child making excuses to get your way. Untill kylo's own mother came to the school with the news, your father had succeeded. He had murderedyour mother, beating her to death with hks bare hands.

He remebers that day well, the way youd burst into a rage. Screaming at the top of your lungs you told them you were right and you knew he'd hurt her again. He remebers the conflict he felt. Youd been seperated from your mother for only six weeks? If that? That was all it took. Six weeks for your father to kill your mother, and kylo couldnt help but agree with you as you yelled at the two jedi. It was partly Luke and his mothers fault, they hadnt belived you when youd initially told them why youd attacked your father, nor had they bothered to try and investigate it.

Youd even tried to lunge at luke during your initial grief. Kylo had only just caught your tiny wrists tugging you back to himself, curling around you in a half hug, half wrestle. It was then youd broke down, falling to pieces on the spot bawling your eyes out. He'd felt it then the protec5ive rage twistingnin his guts as he tried reassuring you, why couldnt anyone see you were just a kid. A Terrified six year old now completely alone.

You almost looked the same now, scared lost and alone begging silently to just go home. When you were children he'd wanted to return you to your safe haven, even after the death of your mother he wanted to find somewhere you could go, somewhere safe away from the life of a jedi. It wasnt what you wanted, you just gave up after your mothers funera, seeing the coffin had given you a brutal awakening. You had no home to return to.

Yes, he'd wanted to ind somewhere for you to live peacfully away from it all. But now? The thought of releasing you alone into the galaxy left a bitter taste in his mouth. He had lost that benevolence and naive trust in the greater good. Only he could truly offer you safety.

"Sir? Is there a problem? Should we dispose of the rebel and intterogate the rest?;" the tropper began speaking, misunderstanding the supreme leader's stark silence. The unnamed male began making a move closer to you. But Kylo stopped him a single raised hand waving him off, ordering him to stand down.

"No. No i will deal with this myself. Leave us" his voice was low, calm and thoughtful. He couldnt tear his eyes from you, it was hard to belive you were here infront of him. Despite years of hardening himself to his own feelings everything he had thought and felt about you came rushing back. His stomach was twisting in anxious pulls, his heart desperately trying to beat out of his chest.

But you laid still, somehow managing not to fight your bonds that held you to the table. Instead of breaking down into a panic you were looking around the room. He could tell you were struggling to maintain calm as you saw the many tools scattered about the interrogation cell. But you were also counting, lips twitching ever so slightly. It was somthing he had taught you all those years ago, counting when panicked can help you focus. Can keep you alert and in the moment instead of crumbling.

"But sir;"

"Get. Out." with that the trooper left hastily, not wanting to push his superior any further.

When kylo was sure the hall was clear he moved stepping closer to you, hands rising to remove his mask. He paused, should he reveal himself? If he did what was he going to say? Would he be able to hold his nerve? He observed you for a long moment. How should he begin? He didnt want to interrogate you like the others, didnt want to frighten you away, he told himself it was because you could be a valuable asset. But he knew that was an excuse, he didnt want you to run from him, you were probably the only person who understood him.

They said you were an evil child too, muttered about how you were probably going to end up as a sith. That the rage had already settled into you, youd already given in it was just a matter of time. And to some extent they were right to be wary. You and him both sat up at night debating the truth in the force in hushed whispers. Wondering outloud if the dark side was truly dark, or if it was all just subjective. You both didnt see the separation between evil, and evil deeds commited for the light.

Kylo sighed heavily as he tried to weigh up what he should do for the best. He wasnt keen on the idea of interrogating you. But he didnt want to go easy on you and let you go so if you really were a rebel trying to clear your name in some desperate need for acceptance.

In truth he wanted to sooth you, to tell you everything was going to be okay and swear he'd look after you. But again, he was unsure where your loyalties lie at the moment. Afterall you were found with the rebels.

"I know who you are, they told me. Tried to use it to manipulate me" you broke the silence for him, soft spoken and quiet just as he remebered. He held his breath for a moment feeling a wieght lift from his shoulders. You knew. He quickly decided to trust your words. His hands moved slowly riseing to his mask before sliding it off tucking it in the crook of his arm.

"Its been a long time. Your prettier then i thought youd be, its actually really intimidating" You smiled up at him, and moved your trapped hand in a little wave making him scoff at your antics rolling his eyes. Prettier? Of course the first thing youd do it tease him. Stupid brat.

"You havent changed much, you still have no self preservation" he uttered leaning to the side and placing his mask down on one of the trolleys.

"Self preservation? Should i be frightened of you?" You uttered after swallowing dryly, he could see the tears welling in your eyes. Despite the tease you were scared. Scared of him, it made him look away for a second. Fuck. He had to get this over with.

"I dont know should you? Are you hiding something?" He pried sternly whilst bringing his attention back to you, his face set in stone. You frowned at him looking hurt, he just arched a brow still trying to decide if you were going to be a loose end or not. He really hoped not, but a rebel is a rebel and they must be snuffed out. No matter how painful it will be for him.

"No, but you wont belive me untill you look so go head, look. I have nothing to hide" you finally answered shaking your head with the inch of so of movement your bonds allowed you.

"I would rather you tell me yourself. I dont want to hurt you, i will actually help you if you need it. But i need you to tell me everything" he replied a little to quickly for it to be a trap. You frowned for a second, trying to find deceite in his words but there was none. He was being genuine, it made you relax a little drawing a huge comforting breath.

"Can you do that for me?" He coaxed inching closer lightly traceing the side of the examination table with the tips of his fingers. He seemed hesitant. As if he couldnt trust himself to touch you, but the temptation was there.

"Y-yeah, i dont know alot though but i'll tell the truth. I have nothing to hide, itd be useless anyway i know how skilled you are at reading people." You said with minimal shuddering breaths, trying to ease your panic induced shivers and anxiety fueled sobs. Kylos heart jerked painfully. You were terrified of him. But then again he couldnt fault you for that, he was the one whod killed your frineds, burned down the new temple and then fled to the darkside making a name for himself as a brutal warrior. He was now the ruler of a cut throat regime. The feared supreme leader of the first order well on his way to becoming Emperor. And you were at his mercy strapped to a table.

His stomach lurched. He didnt like it, you didnt belong here,not like this; tied down and scared. He hated it, the way you were so defenceless. It disturbed him seeing you in such a vulnerable position.

"How? How did you escape that night?" He hadnt intended for that to be his first question. But he had to know, he needed to know how youd made it out. He had mourned you, the guilt of killing you almost crushed him. He convinced himself you were away, created a delusion, a story in his head as to how you couldnt have possibly been in the temple. He had to tell himself you survived just to sleep at night. And then he heard a rumour, that the resistance knew of a survivor from skywalkers temple, that is was a girl. Your age. Your looks. It had been the first time he had felt true relief in a very long time.

"I was... I'd had another feeling. It was worse then any others, i knew it was bad; something terrible was going to happen and i got scared." You uttered recounting the night everything went to shit and you learned what true evil deeds were. Kylo inched closer, eyes trained on you hanging on everyword. He knew of your ability, empathic foresight, you didnt get visions in your sleep or hear distant whispers in meditation. You got feelings, gut feelings that made you experience emotional reactions of the furture. Youd feel greif before a death, pain before an injury. Fear before a fright. You'd only ever confided this in him scared of what skywalker might have said an done.

"I snuck out of my room to come and check on you, i dont know why but i just... i knew the feeling was about you. It hurt too much. Then i saw him, saw what he" you explained trailing off not needing to state the obvious. You both knew very well what Luke had done.

"After that i ran, i didnt? I wanted to help! To save you but i? How could i? Im sorry! Im so sorry i was so scared... everyone said that we are similar, so when i saw what he did i? I dont know something inside me just told me to run. So i did. I didnt want..I thought he'd done it, that he'd already? And then? I thought that he'd?" your explanation became a sob, fear and guilt pouring from you in harsh waves and half sentences. Kylo's hands clenched as your force came to life, you were almost reliving it. Terror. Confusion, hopelessness, shame he could feel it now as if he were there beside you.

"You thought you were next didnt you? That he was going to murder you after me." He uttered understanding instantly what youd belived. You were young on the cusp of adulthood but still a child, just like he was. And you were both scared, but you had the opportunity to run. He only had a few seconds to defend himself. Had he been quicker he'd have found you outside and would have taken you with him.

"I ran like a coward. I've never forgiven myself" you uttered quietly, your shame rising. Youd always felt as if youd let Ben down. Left him to die, that it was your fault. Tears finally began falling, youd struggled for so long with that. Your freind who youd loved so dearly died because you didnt have the guts to even call out and startle Luke. If youd made a noise, distracted him then maybe ben would have survived. The only thing you thank the resistance for was the fact theyd told you who kylo ren was. It absolved the guilt, freed you from that dark heavy shadow.

He finally rested a hand on you, the leather clad palm squeezing your bicep in a firm reassurance. It drew your attention to him. He held your gaze with a sincere look. Before speaking in a firm, yet calm tone of voice. Leaving no room for argument or doubt.

"No, you ran because you saw a so called jedi try to slaughter a boy in his sleep. You were a scared child who just wanted to survive. Theres no shame in that" his voice was firm. He needed you to understand that there was nothing to be ashamed of. You couldnt help your fear, or your reaction. It had taken him a long time to come to terms with his own fear. To accept it as natural, children are hard wired to run in the face of danger. Run, hide and survive.

"When i heard about what happened afterwards i... i was glad? Is that bad? I wasnt happy with the loss but i hoped it was you, hoped you were alive. But? I thought you were dead, how could you? It was luke skywalker, i didnt think you could survive. It crushed me, i was so happy the temple was gone but then guilty because i didnt stay. If id stayed, helped then maybe we could have survived together" you confessed to him slowly, still confused over your contradicting feelings. You constantly swung back and forth between being happy hearing whispers that ben had gotten out, yet angry that skywalker had pushed ben into the darkside out of fear.

Kylo nodded slowly, he too had wanted to look for you afterwards. At first he belived youd perished in the flames. But as time went on something told him you had escaped. He couldnt put his finger on it, he'd belived he had been going mad. Making pitiful hopless wishes and was trying to convince himself a miracle had happened, and youd escaped his rage.

"Im glad you didnt. Snoke was not tolerant. He'd have pitted us against one another. Years later I heard rumours youd got away, i wanted to find you, i really did. I felt...A responsibility? But in the end i decided against it... snoke would have killed one of us and made it a lesson" kylo barely contained a shudder. He couldnt imagine being put in that position. He didnt know what he would have done, having to choose between his own destiny and the only woman he'd ever considered spending the rest of his life with.

Back at the temple he'd spent many nights pondering the future he could have with you. As sexual maturity settled in he couldnt help feeling more certain in his selection, you were the dream girl, the powerful woman he could rely on. He watched you grow into your abilities and beauty. He wasnt stupid, he knew even though he was a jedi he was expected to continue his blood line so there would be atleast one powerful jedi to play hero and protector of the people for the next generation.

As he grew along side you his mind always invisioned you as that woman, his wife and mother of his child. He had dreams of a small dark haired, olive skinned little boy grinning up at him with your expressive eyes, hands reaching towards him as his own held up a smll toy only to have it force-pulled from his hand by the small boy. There was also a younger child toddling around in the hazy background of the scene. Somehow he just knew the younger cild held the same glowing caramel eyes you had. Sometimes he would hear your giggling from somewhere in the room, other times the scene was mute, not a sound he'd just watch and smile as the two children laughed happily with one another.

But each time he had these dreams a new warmth filled his chest, one not creted by rage and loathing but love. He knew without a doubt the children were his own. It was a dream that comforted him in many cold uncertain nights, it haunted him to this day.

But perhaps it wasnt a dream? Maybe it was a premonition. The force gifting him a vision of the children you would birth him. The family he will have one day. He allways thought it odd that in these dreams you and the chilren were in black robes, bright white surroundings that didnt resemble a house but a ship of somesort. So maybe they were visions of his own future, not just fantasies of a lonley teen with a crush.

This might be his chance to make the dream a reality. It was so close yet so far, the reconciliation he was almost ashamed to adimt he craved. Not that he ever told you that, he uttered nothing of the dreams. But skywalker knew, he was completely against it.

Once kylo left he couldnt help think luke had been against it out of fear, maybe by that point he'd already given up on him. Writing him off as sith already and wanted to avoid an even more powerful generation of dark force wielders. The two of you would have incredibly strong children with ridiculously high midichorian counts. It was possible luke feard the power such a union could unleash.

"I geuss things worked out in a wierd way.." you uttered after a few moments of silence, unaware of how kylo's mind had wandered into old thoughts. Old desires and hopes rearing their heads with vigor and his resolve began building. The excitment and need to keep you by his side growing with every moment he spent next to you.

"I am thankfull for things turning out this way. We are both alive" he spoke methodically, nothing giving away the temptation he felt, the dark tugging him towards you in a new seduction. It was like the force was toying with him, placing you before him once more, helpless and alone. Yet still the same young woman he knew. The funny diplomatic but anxious ridden girl he'd belived he'd lost for so long.

You smiled at his words, though automatic and almost thoughtless they sounded genuine. He sounded sincerely thankful for the both of you to be alive. Slowly you began truly relaxing into the bonds holding you. The more you spoke the more you recognised him. He was still ben, just more; dare you say honest? If that was the right word? Mybe not but you always knew he had this darkness, kylo had always been lurking , pacing back and forth behinde those hazel eyes. Ben had just masked it. Just how youd msked your own demons. You both hid parts of yourself whilst with skywalker. Kylo was the animal inside, raw unbridled power who embraced the force in aggression and victory.

"Why are you with the rebels now?" He asked in a starind voice, the words finally managing to roll off his tongue thick and accusatory. He felt a sickening anticipation his hand absentmindedly rubed his chest trying to ease the tight squeezing of his heart. He was holding his breath agonising over your answer. What if you were with them? What if he had lost you anyway? What does that mean for the two of you then? Would he have to kill you? More importantly could he?

"Im not. Or i was physically there with them but im not apart of the rebel alliance. I dont know what they told you but im not. They said you were hunting me! That you were going to!?" You paused for a moment as the fear inside rekindled. Theyd said he was hunting all force sensitive beings just as vader once had. That he would kill you slowly, torture you into insanity before ending you. They said he thought you had run off to continue your jedi training and that he was furious with you.

Youd had thoughts of him attacking you, with his saber and the force. It was terrifying, youd never out matched him, not in hand to hand combat, the force or deuling. He decimated you each time and those had been just sparring matches where you knew he held back. In a real fight you wouldnt survive two mineuts.

"Calm down, take a breath. Im not going to hurt you, do you here me? Im not going to hurt you, i just want the truth thats all. Just tell me the truth, and everything will be okay. I'm here to listen, id never belive those traitors over you" he instructed slowly squeezing your arm again trying to ease you. To coax you from your panic. You swallowed dryly, feeling a light spark of hope from his words. The fact he still held your words in high regard soothed you somewhat, he still knew you and trusted you to some degree. It was a relief. Tell the truth, you can do that. because honestly you had nothing to hide. And soemthingntold you if he did doubt you he'd take the time to look through your mind before sending you to execution.

"They tracked me down, they were trying to pull me in. They have been trying to recruit me for a while now. They're running low on force sensitive people to throw infront of you. They were willing to overlook my darkside at least untill they find skywalker themselves" you uttered after wetting your lips nervously. You had no loyalty to the resistance or skywalker. You werent involved anymore, this wasnt your fight and youd have no part in it.

You tipped your head to face kylo, a smll smile grazing your lips taking another moment or so to truly drink in the sifpght. He really had become handsome. Taller then youd expected, broader to, he was stunning. Nd the scar across his face would have marred anyones elses beauty but it... suited him, his character it gave him a visual to the rugged edge he'd always hidden. He looked dangerousnd magnificent. Your eyes flicked away frim his before he could see your flushed cheeks. Now was not the ti,e to start fawning over him. He had questions and you had the answers. Everything else can wait.

"I even debated joining just to kill him myself. But when they told me you were kylo i? I didnt want to become your enemy" you added shrugging a little before pausing hesitating on your lst statment. It was true though, you had no quarrel with the first order. Sure it was a little daunting to see another empire try to rise. But didnt that just men without the jedi this is the normal. Empires rising and falling in the external fight for dominance. There will always be someone who thinks they can do a better job ruleing. That they deserve a chance, and if need be they will take the top spot by force. Surely its better to just stick with the devil you know?

"They couldnt understand that. And still pushed, chaseing me across systems! This time they had me truley cornered, trying to scare me, telling me that the first order were after me because im a threat; that you were hunting me, wanted me dead they said they heard it in a transmission" your words grew more panicked, more weary and your chest tightened once more as the adrenaline flooded your veins. You felt more vulnerable and uncertain by the second.

Kylo growled low in his throat, rumbling in his large chest echoing off the walls as if they'd been struck. The force arou d him quivered as he began a descent into anger once more.

"So they are trying to scare you into their ranks?. Pathetic" his lip curled into a violent snarl. His hands clenching, jaw locking for a moment, teeth grinding. To think theyd try to manipulate you to brazenly. Lie to your face and threaten you with him, his fury.

You whimpered, pressing back in to the table shivering, quaking in fear so violently that he heard it, physically heard your body shuddering against to cold metal. Your eyes were closed, biting your lip willing yourself to disappear. He relaxed. The force, shit. He forgot, you were force sensitive and his rage would affect you more then others. To you it would prickly, pinch and grate on your very skin like bladed sandpaper. Cut and scrape.

"I was not looking for you, or hunting you. I toyed with the idea but you hadnt been spotted in the rebellion i? I assumed you were content being away from it all" he acquiesced, mamanging 5o control himself and dial back his rage. Instead he inched closer cupping one of your cheeks urgingnyou to look at him.

You hissed, drew a deep sharp breath cringing waiting for... something? Anything! But instead he held still, letting his palm warm your skin through his glove. You peaked up at him tentativly. He gave a small half smile, one of reassurance yet also questioning you, asking you to trust him.

"i dont want you dead, i never have and never will. Your no threat to me, you never posed yourself as a threat. So i wouldnt treat you as one. It seems noone truely understands how much we care for and trust one another" he spoke barely a whisper, as his hand smoothed over your cheek. You nuzzled into him delicatly blinking slowly, enjoying the contact. It was, nice. To feel someone, to feel him again. Youd take anything you could, any gentle touch or soft glimpse of ben you could get.

It didnt last, he pulled back removing himself from you as he spome once more, tryingt to go back to business. But that didnt ,atter, he had show you a few seconds of almost loveing kindness and that was enough for you.

"Everything they told you is a lie, a desperate attempt on the rebels part trying to recruit all the force sensitive people they can find, even ones that werent good enough to be trained" he stated firmly, dropping his hands behinde him taking on a powerful stance, hos chest swelling slightly, arms bulging in the robes he wore, tugging on the seams slightly showing off his physique.

"They were... persistent i have been evading them for years but? When they found me this time... something was different. It was odd they were trying to make me hate you, trying to scare me saying you betrayed them. They hinted at me useing my darkness, suppose they want to try fighting fire with fire" you continued slowly trying to put everything into words was hard. Because honestly there was so many emotions and caveats that you had to think through and label. So much trauma and fear, pain, regret to force yourself through to explain the situation. All while staying truthful and making your point.

"They dont know you saw the whole thing?" He asked with a frown, surely they knew what had happened for you to survive, or have an inkling? Unless they belived he loved you so had spared you and if so they were truley cruel to try and use you against him.

"No, no one seemed to know the whole story. And those that do? Well your the first person ive told. And I was small, if you recall not even you could find me when i skipped my lessons" you finished with a small chuckle. He rolled his eyes before tipping his head to the side agreeing with a half shrug and laughed.

"You were always tricky to locate, your ability to shield your life force was something i admired and loathed" It was true, you managed to get away with alot because you could effectivly disappear from the force at will. It made keeping up with your shenanigans hard.

"Yes well it didnt do me any good hiding from the rebles alliance did it? They have eyes everywhere kylo." You sighed trying not to let the weight of your failure show, it was hard though. Youd literally wanted to achieve one thing. One tiny thing and that was to be left alone, dissappear into the galaxy. Kylo frowned drawing a deep breath, not only the confirmation that the rebles did indeed have connectiones in everycorner of the galaxy, but he could also see that being found had got to you. You werent playing or trying to hide behind false pretenses. You were genuinely upset, anxious and flighty. you were never one to accept your failures well and he could see being found was frustrating. It hurt him, tore into his tightening chest, what if you didnt want to see him? Or worse, what if you didnt want to stay?

"You really arent with them are you?" He uttered, more of a self realisation then anything else. He watched spinning slightly to rest his hip against the table you were on. He expected you to flinch, to tug at the bonds or yelp trying to pull away from him. Instead you gravitated towards him, tilting your body in his dorection subtley, seeking him out for some comfort. Though he didnt get time to comment or even smile at the small subconscious movement. Instead you began speaking, blinking up at him with tearfully hopeful eyes.

"No, im not and i never will be, this isnt my fight. It never was, i never wanted training or? or stupid force abilities; Why would i fight for the jedi; or even your mother? when they only want me to kill for them. Return me to skywalker to finish training just to taint myself by killing you?" You paused trying to shake the anger frommyou. It was hard though, looking back now everything was a manipulation. You were training to be a weapon of 'peace'. Nothing more, nothing less.

"No way. Absolutely not, he took so much away from me, it was like i was an animal to them. Nothing but an evil child meant to become a tool to use. But unfortunately they wont take no for an answer" you admonished, your words drifting from sincerity to frustration, irritation and finally resignation. He could not only hear it but feel it, it would seem you have relaxed enough to let him sense you. Feel you for the first time since he'd left.

It was euphoric, like coming home in a sense. The same airy feeling. Thealmost dry smokey whistful and warm feeling you always gave him. Yet it was clouded, fear, almost frantic paranoia. Frustration and panic. Turmoil. But most of all you felt tired.

Exhausted, from the years of hiding and running. Fighting and hideing the force, blocking it out. Compressing the raw power inside of you into a tiny space hidden in your mind. Keeping the all powerful force of life itself under lock and key. Surpressing everything youd come to know and accept all while running for your life.

"i didnt think youd try to fight for them, or against me. Or i had hoped not" he offered meekly with a shrug, glancing at you offering a slight tilt to his lips.

"I dont want to fight anyone, but they are adamant i do just that. Apparently i have no choice i have to choose because i was trained"

"So if i asked you to fight for me? For the first order?" He asked unable to deny himself the chance to hear you. He wanted you to be heard, to be given the chance to speak and be given a choice. If frightened him, he didnt know what he would do if you denied him everything. But he was determined to try and keep himself in check and abode your wishes.

"i just want to live. Its all i've ever wanted to do Kylo" you whispered. Kylo hummed and nodded with a tight smile, it wasnt a no. But it wasnt exactly a yes eigther. There was no guarantees youd stay beside him, but he couldnt help feeling at ease with your answer.

"I understand" 'I did too' kylo finished the thought with a heavy sigh. He truley did understand, he wanted nothing more then to live out his life. Not be manipulated or judged for things he couldnt control. The only difference between the two of you was that he found snoke and fed his hatred letting it become his power, he'd wandered deeper into the force and his darkness. And youd dinstanced yourself from the force and hid away.

"You know they wont leave you alone untill you make a choice. Until then youll never get any peace you were a skywalker pupil they wont let that go. Youll never be free" he uttered with a sigh, hewas so ewhat greatfull to the resistance for leading him to you. But also felt a gnawing bitter anger, they had been trying to ue youjust as snoke had used him. He was no fool, he knew very well how much he'd been taken advantage of. He told himself being aware of it made it better somehow? Less humiliating? Yet he broke free of it in the end. Just as his servitude was ending, yours was trying to begin.

He was proud of you in a sense, the way you flatly refused to be a pawn. In a way you refused what he could not. Only his keeper was snoke and yohrs would have been his own mother. Yet even through all of this anger, pride and shame he couldnt help feel an overwhelming pity for you. Because as he said, youdnever be free of them, the resistance. The jedi they were parasites, latching onto anything that will ensure their own survival with little thought to those they damage and destroy along the way. All that mattered was their own ambition and goals. Youd be forever running from them.

"Well not while im here anyway." You chuckled motioning to the way you were strapped to the table with an uncomfortable grin. Kylo cursed and quickly flicked his fingers up, releasing your bonds before helping you sit up. You thanked him rubbing your wrists gently trying to stop the pins and needles from stinging your finger tips.

"You could be" kylo uttered an barely a whisper. Almost as if he didnt want you to hear him. You paused flicking your gaze to him confusion twisting across your face.

"Could be what?" Kylo swallowed as your eyes locked with his, he looked uncertain and small just as your words had been. You were vulnerable in a way he loathed, youd forgotten yourself, your power your drive. It was gone, and it made his heart clench painfully and his blood boil in his veins. He wanted you more and more as it became clear youd done nothing but hide and cower. Spent your years running from the first order, the war and resistance. Desperately looking for somewhere wanting nothing more then to forget about your past.

"Free here. You could be free here, with me. The rebels wouldnt dare set foot here and youd be protected. I would protect you" he emphasised stepping closer, his thighs touching your knees. And then his huge hands found yours. Twisting them in his grasp gently thumbs rubbing your reddened wrists trying to sooth them. Your gaze locked on to his face, trying to read his expression. But he dipped his hed down, his hair hanging down sheilding his face, keeping his secrets.

"Your-your offering me freedom? In the first order? I doubt the rebels would take that well, they'd say I was kidnapped or something stupid." Your voice waivered before laughing humourlessly, shaking your head scoffing at him thinking it was just wishful thinking. Theres no way kylo would offer you a home here in the first order. No matter the history or fondness between you. You were an ex-jedi student of skywalkers temple and found with a huge group of resistance fighters in a makeshift military base. The first order thought you were a traitor to them or something.

"Not if your decision was made public. If we made sure you were seen" kylo offered without a moments hesitation, his head riseing once more. Gifting you a single glance before his eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere but you as he tried finding the confidence to say what he really meant.

He felt like a teenager again, desperately wracking his brain trying to find those magic words that would turn his dream into a reality. That'd give him his own happily ever after innthis clusterfuck of a situation.

"You want me to stand beside you when you raid bases and ships like some propergander prop? Let them see that skywalker created not one but two;" your frustrated words were cut off by him shaking his head at you. Growling leaning forward pressing his way between your knees standing firmly before you. His hands trailing up your arms, resting just below your elbows in a strangely distant yet intimate hold. Panic threatened to wash over him for the first time in years.

"No! Of course not! Nothing like that. And thats not to say i think your weak either. I know how powerfull you were, the potential you have. And even though youd become a great asset to me as a soilder or posterchild i wont use you like them, i am better then that" he grunted, his voice somwhere between offended and saddened. His anger flared momentarily, did you truly think he'd be just as dishonest as the rebles? As skywalker and his mother? That he'd use you and cast you out when he was done? It hurt, gutted him to belive you thought so little of him. He knew he had changed but even he like to think he had some integrity left.

"But thats not to say I'd refuse to train you if you wish, help you master the darkside, not fear and loath it." His words wavered as he saw the face you made, the twisting of a frown and the feeling of distaste curling around you like a potent perfume infecting him, becoming trapped in his throat with all of the words he wished he could say outloud.

"Or not, you can stay here with me as a confidant; a friend. Someone i can actually trust" he uttered shrugging, removing one hand from you raiseing it up in a surrendering motion as he began ratteling off another option. That sounded as if there was alot more thought put into it then he was willing to admit.

"Or if you want to take a place beside me. Not as a soilder but perhaps as more... As empress? I'd- i mean to say that... The position is open to you, if you wish. All you have to do is say and.. i would" he stuttered slightly, his grip on your arm loosening as he focused on his own hands grasping you nervously. Running his thumbs across the soft skin of your inner arm gently. He was anxiously waiting your reaction. He may have voiced his thoughts prematurely but? He wasnt going to take it back. He liked you. No. He loved you, you were the only person in his life that hadn't used or manipulated him. You accepted him dark and all.

"Empress? Your empress? Are you? Are you serious? What? Wheres that come from?" You fought the words, wresteling them out through hitched breaths and shock. Your stomach flipped, filling with butterflies and your cheeks burst into a bright blush. Mind instantly latching onto the idea.

You couldnt help it, the sweet gentle intimacy only brought back the feelings youd thought had died. Feelings that had been dangerous, forbidden. And yet here and now they weren't. You werent jedi, and neither was he. You were free. Free to give and take in a selfish love. Free to claim what your heart desired and protect it feircely. Not only that but its what was being offered, freely without remorse or fear or the need to hide. It was too good to be true, theres no way there wasnt a hidden catch. If there one thing you learned is the force doesnt work in mysterious ways, it was exchange. What it gives it can and will take without a moments notice and theres nothign you could do about it. Everything had a price, and to offer this up so carelessly meant the price will be dire.

"I have always liked; no thats to say? You are the only woman i've ever loved. I love you even now" He uttered suddenly, unable to catch himself. He paused when you gasped audibly hands rising to your mouth, covering the shock. He? He didnt just? Did he? He couldnt possibly have just admitted something like that so thoughtlessly. So casually, as if his words wouldnt possibly alter both of your lives.

You shook your head subtly, tears pricking your eyes. It was too much to hope for. Love. It was a fools errand, forbidden, taboo unachievable for your kind. Jedi cant escape their teachings even when they leave the orders and temples.

Kylo grasped your quivering hand pulling it from your mouth before drawing it to his own. Pressing the back of it to his lips, eyes closing as his kiss lingered. Drawing in a deep breath theough his nose andmheld still. Enjoying what could very well be the last tender moment he would ever get with you. A moment he will cherish.

You sniffled leaning forward pressing your head to his chest your other hand riseing to capture the cloak at his waist. He hummed tucking the hand at his lips into his own once more holding it to his chest delicatly. And you both stayed like that for some time reveling in the silence, just enjoying the comfort youd both longed for.

"I have always loved you" he uttered breaking the silence, taking the chance to wrap himself around you, his arms moving to hold you, drawing you closer to him, pressing you to his chest.

"Your beautiful, funny easy to be around and? You have never lied to me or tried to sway my decisions. Not once, you are grown now beautiful, articulate everythingni thought youd be. The first order needs someone to admire, a crown jewel so to speak" his words seemed light, yet sincere. Almost hopefull.

You closed your eyes whining under your breath pressing into him harder. Your hand squeezing his cloak dragging him closer. It was more then you could dream. He inched closer hands finally capturing you, arms wrapping around you pulling you flush against him dippingnhis head down to rest on yours. You responded instantly curling your own arms around his torso. Holding on tightly afraid this was ll just some fucked up hallucination thats goingnto be ripped away. That the force will tear him from you again.

"I need you. Need something; someone to fight for. All this time I've been fighting for power. Rage and hate fueling my every move. But i dont want that. I honestly dont, i want to be more then what became of vader. More then another power hungry sith or evil dictator. I want to end not just the jedi but the sith aswell. Just like we talked about. Nothing but the force itself" His explained softly, tracing light patterns across you with his fingers, flexing his rms to hold you even tighter, press you closer. You both clung to one another as if your lives depended on it. Yet there was no rush, not anxieties just the twoof you finally accepting each other as more then comrades or friends.

"I want you by my side, but i only want you to stay if thats what you want." His words waivered slightly, your ongoing silence becoming deafening.

"It would keep the rebels away if they saw you made such a decision and you were happy and i believe i could make you happy, that we could make each other happy." You hummed listening carefully. Still loosing yourself in the feeling of being so close to him. So wrapped up in his tender hold, your life forces drifting around one another as if trying to re-establish itself. Trying to find the comfortable sweet spot that would revive your bond.

"We could build something remarkable together. You and I, we could prove everyone wrong. And this isnt some sudden realisation. I have always had a strong attachment to you. Always loved you. I just didnt understand it before" the reasons continued to pour from him almost desperately. He could help it, he felt as if it was now or never. That he had to make a convincing argument to keep you by his side.

You sighed and pulled back from him reluctantly slowly dragging your hands across his ribs as you did so. He frowned, eyes searching yours, he made to grasp at you again but you intercepted raising your own hands to meet his, delicatly placing your palms to his weaving your fingers between his own.

"D-do you really mean it? That... that you love me?" You spome in a hushed secretive tone. As though testing him, testing yourself unsure if you could trust youd heard him correctly. But perhaps it was also becuase you needed the clarification, reassurance that he had admitted to something so significant, so utterly life changing.

"Yes, it was one of the many things skywalker berated me for. It was forbidden, you were forbidden. It was why i distanced myself from you in the weeks before, i was trying so hard to fight it" he gave a tight smile, it had been hard to abstain from you. To pull back and desert you as he tried desperately to be a good jedi. To follow the hypocriticall code.

When it was brought down into its most basic components the jedis code was to protect and love everyone as a whole but never become selfish enough to love and protect individuals. The greed of such selfish adoration will breed possessiveness; the refusal to give up the one you loved. This then gave way to worry, paranoia. And from there you fall to fear; the fear of loss. Settle into loathing and hate. Finally suffering; suffer the loss of your love, suffer the greif and regret when you lose all that you held most dear. That was the decent into the darkside. The journy most sith fell prey to. And it all started with forbidden love.

Kylo was pulled from his thoughts as your voice cracked, weak words tumbling from you as you revealed he was not alone in being caught out by his uncle. You too had been warned many times about your feelings towards ben.

"He got at me about it too. I love you too. He scolded me many times, even hinting at me to leave if i couldnt control it" and just like that the daydream was gone, the proverbial spell broken and it felt as if the whole world came crashing down upon you. Just like before, only this time it wasnt codes, oaths and the fear of beong caught that was stopping you from pursuing him. No, it was worse. Status, titles and public opinion.

No. this was? It cant work! Hexs the leader of the first order, a jedi killer. And you were effectivly an apostate. An ex jedi that the rebels were desperately trying to recruit. You were found with them! Brought in as a prisoner and cuffed inside an interrogation cell. Itd ruin his credibility, if he were seen with you.

Kylos heart seized as he heard the thoughts loud and clear. You were projecting in your panic. In the sorrow and anxious devastation. No. No! He wont allow it. He wont let you deny yourself happiness, he wont let you deny him now he knows the truth.

"No. No dont? Dont say that we can. We can be together we can. I can make it happen. Im the supremeleader anything i say goes. I can; we can build our own future together" kylo hissed, shaking his head sharply squeezing your hands as you tried detaching yourself from him.

"But kylo...What would the first order say? Surley they would have issues with me; an ex jedi caught with a batallion of rebel's suddenly beside you exachanging vows" kylos reply silenced you. It was a snarl, a deep frustrated growl echojngnin his chest sending shivers down your spine. Goosebumps rose on your skin, your tummy fluttered. There was something about his reaction, about knowing he would argue, that he'd fight for you. It made you feel relieved and anxious all at once. Youd never had anyone fight for you before, you normally had to do that all by yourself.

"Im their supreme leader. Theres not much i connot take care of. I would create a story of half truths. Paint you as my lover, my secret fiancé who i hid away from everyone for her own protection; that i feared snokes reaction if he ever knew" his words soothed you so ewhat, and he could tell. You relaxed, listening to him intently. It made sense sort of?

"Id say youd been hunted by the rebels because of who you were to me. Explain that the whole operation was to rescue you, that the rebels got to you before i could come and collect you once id killed snoke. And the raid was just me bringing you home.

"But i was brought here in cuffs? That trooper knows im here, in an interrogation cell it cant? I wont be your down fall;"

"It was a ruse for your safety!" Kylo finally snapped at you, his desperation to keep you becoming irritation. Why didnt you trust him? Why did you doubt he could fix it, handle everything and take care of you. He loved you, you loved him that should be enough shouldnt it?

He drew a deep breath befpre cupping the sides of your face lightly. Your eyes closed and you gave into his touch. Enjoying the warmth on your cheeks as his hands held you. You pressed into the soft leather of his gloves silently wishing he'd taken them off. You didnt want barriers between you, you wanted him, just him. His skin, his affection his love everything!

"Everyone knows anything could happen when it comes to those... vermin. I had you cuffed and brought here as a precaution. They could have done anything to you my love, warped your mind, pumped you full of toxins to insight hallucinations looking for information about me, us the first order?" His story unfolded around you, creating the perfect romantic tragedy. Rewriting the script of your romance as if he'd already finished a manuscript. You almost forgot how quick he was thinking on his feet, conjuring stories and reasons with ease.

"I had to do it this way, incase they belived youd turned on me. You could have played the part of a deserter to survive. But now, once ive had time to read you, to peer into your mind i know you hadnt betrayed us. You managed to fend off their cruel games and twisted words" he continued his reasoning, useing logic to create the perfect reunion for the two of you. Setting the stage for you to both love one another freely.

"And you came home, stronger than ever. Ready to take your rightfull place. And the rebels would feel Iied to by their general, of course she had to have known who her sons fiance was, we did grow up together. Theyd lose morale. And we'd gain it. And id finally have you all to myself. With no shame, or fear. Just us together as it should have always been" his rant came to a slow sweet end. Making you smile, grinning shyly up at him. You liked the sound of that, being with him like regular people. Normal lovers able to enjoy one another.

"But most importantly be safe and loved for the rest of your days. We could have everything we were denied, we could be together. Truley be together, do you hear me?" His hands shifted, dragging over your ears, further and further back untill his fingers stretched out i to your hair lightly massaging your scalp. And then he moved nuzzling into you, breathing deep trying to drown himself innyour scent. It was just as he remebered, light spice that seemed to cling to you from your love of the exotic, coupled with a slight sweet honeyed scent that came from every scented soap, shampoo and conditioner. And then the overall delicate scent that was your own. It was the smell of home. The scent that haunted him just as much as his dreams. He'd missed it. Your eyes fluttered closed, melting into him natheing in the long lost warmth of a kind embrace.

"We can do it. Together me and you, nothing will stop us. Nothing will ever come between us my love, please dont... dont turn away, dont leave me. I love you. I still love you and i promise you; swear to you that i wil, protect you. Protect us... there can be an us now. We will never hide, or shy away from each other again" his word grew almost frantic, pleading even. You pressed into him tighter tlitling your head tryingnto tuck yourself into him properly and rest against his chest. But he paused, stopping you carefully before tipping your head up promtpingnyou to look at him, locking eyes again.

"Please give us a chance? Give the first order a chance. You wont regret it. You wont" you tentativly moved to cup his own cheek tilting your head to the side taking in the sight of him. So vulnerable and raw. Sincere and sweet? Hopefull. You couldnt deny him. You knew it deep down, there was no way you could abandon him. Not when youd both finally revealed your true feelings. Not when he already had all the answers, all the excuses and plans. But that didnt mean you werent going to ask what was expected of you.

"What would i have to do? As empress i mean? I dont want to... i wont have to fight? Or officially join the darkside and become sith? Will i?" Kylo froze his entire body shuddered. Did that mean? Were you really going to stay?! He grinned unable to stop the giddy laugh from bubbling in his throat. It was more then he could imagine. The rush of happiness, anticipation. But quickly shook his head before speakign answering all of your fears and doubts wanting to nip them in the butt before you could dwell on them and overthink.

"No, not at all. Not for a second i wouldnt force you my love. Like i said the choice is yours, it will always be yours. Whether you become my apprentice, empress or stay as a freind i will protect you from skywalker and the rebels. You never have to fear them or look over your shoulder again" he uttered dragging his hands over yu, lower, curling around your waist resting in the curve of your back.

"That is if you stay.You-you are always free to walk away now. It would be painful to watch you go, but i would let you. Id have you escorted to where ever you want to go" his promise came with a fearfull swallow. But he wanted to make sure you understood, that you knew you had the choice. That you truly had a choice and he'd respect your wishes.

"Though id much rather have you here with me, beside me. I belive we were meant to find one another again. I really do. I dont want to let you go. I just want you to be safe, to have the saftey and security of a home. Something that had been ripped from us as children."

"Kylo;" you tried halting his rambling, the anxious words that escaped him as his thoughts ran rabid, second guessing his own offer. Would you think he was trying to takl you out of it? Trying to chase you away? Fuck. Fuck what if he misspoke or pushed to hard?

You could see the wild panic, the odd nauseating fear that spiked from him, making the force tremble around the both of you restlessly. But you couldnt manage to get a word in as he began falling into another half anxious monologue of explanations and reasoning.

"You know what it feels like to be manipulated and have your life mapped out for you. We had many decisions made for us, too many options taken from us and we both paid for them with blood and fear. We know how cruel family is. You deserved better. You deserved a choice" he finalised with conviction. He made to open his ,outh once more but you hushed him, a single palm covering his mouth, managing to stop another round of persuasion from the large sweet man.

"We both did... And maybe we can make things better together? We can make a real family, a home and right a few wrongs? Be ourselves without shame or remorse together. One united front? Us against the galaxy?" Your hand slowly drifted to his hair as you spoke, making your decision. Your fingers danced in the thick ebony locks. You smiled when he couldnt refrain from nuzzling into you once more. He really wasnt the big scary man he tried to be. Just a huge loth cat.

"What? You mean? Youll stay with me? As my empress? Youll really stay?" Your heart broke at the tiny disbelieving voice, so unlike him. Yet exactly what youd expect from the old ben. The one who felt so much weight, so much responsibility with little love for himself. Back then he was so uncertain, so frightend to chase after what he wanted because he felt denying himself made him strong.

"Id be honoured kylo. I can think of nothing id like more than to spend my life with you, if youll have me?" You anounced, dragging his face closer your own unable to stop the fluttering in your tummy, or the way your face flushed, and the excited giddiness overwhelming you.

He wrapped himself around you, nose touching your own eye flicking from your own gaze down to your lips, the temptation to press his own against yours and devour you. Lock you into a kiss that had been long overdue.

"Of course, fuck yes i mean i? I want you by my side. I love you" he whispered, not wantingnto break the spell. The euphoric haze that seemed to isolate the two of you from the rest of the galaxy in this moment.he couldnt, wouldnt jeopardise this one peacfull moment you had together. The moment youd both been praying for since your early teens.

"I love you too. Theres just one thing i ask from you?" You breathed out, grazing his nose with the lightest of touches. Barely hanging on to the thread of control you somehow maintained.

"Name it, its yours" his voice dipped low. No thoughts just feeling. Pure joy and eager acceptance. He didnt care what it was you wanted. Youd have it, he'd grant you anything even the impossible. He'd find a way to give you the univers in its entirety if you asked.

"Dont lie to me. Even if the truth hurts, even if its dangerous or frightening. Dont hide things behinde half truths and lies. We have both had enough of that for a life time" you could see his eyes soften the aprihension that your qeustion had caused quickly disappeared. He seemed saddened almost, humbled. Your unsure what it was he expected you to ask, but apparently it wasnt honesty.

"You have my word my love. I swear i will never lie to you, never. I trust you to know everything, youll always know as much as i do" in that moment he swore to you and himself. Made it an oath, his own code to live by.

You sighed fully relaxing into him before coilingnyour arms around his neck tugging him down closer and began rising you your tip toes. He didnt need to think, about his next move. His lips met yours in a gentle kiss. The first light pressing on your lips together soon gve way to soemthing heated, years of repressed emotions and desire. Before you realised what was happeneing you were scooped up in hos arms. Legs locking around his waist your kiss now coupled with hands tugging you against him, rocking you against him in a delicious grinding that only spurred the both of you on.

Your kisses quickly became desperate a flurry of nips, kisses and the lapping of his tongue. The constant pressure of his tongue finally pried your own mouth open. He wasted no time in pressing on, fucking into your mouth with his tongue growling as your own fought his, twisting around his own in a decadent battle. His fingers tightened on your ass, digging into the flesh before thrusting his hips against yours. You gasped, tongue faltering in its own assault, he used the mone tto delve deeper, dominating you claiming victory over your playful defiance. Not that you minded, not in the slightest. You moaning when he began tracing the roof of your mouth lightly, a tickling pleasant feeling making you whine, shuddering and arching into his hold.

"Supreme leader i;" you yepled as the modulated voice of a trooper called out only to stop mid sentence as he realised what he'd just walked in on.

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" Kylos shout was accompanied with a blast of the force towards the unsuspecting trooper. Not that he needed prompting, at the forst yelled words he'd already turned trying to run as fast as he could in the opposite direction. Only managing a few feet untill he connected with the opposite wall on the hall. The force following closely slamming his helmet clade head even harder into the wall. And then he dropped into a heap of white armour on the floor.

"Oh god; that poor bastard. Is he gonna be okay?" You uttered flushing, giggleing somewhat nervously as there were foot steps in the distance out in the hall growing fainter. Apparently there'd been an audience.

"If he stays down he will be" kylo huffed petulantly. It would have been cute had it not been for the look of murder in his wpeyes, violence on his mind. You sighed before pecking him once more, trapping him in a barrage of sweet kisses between words.

"Kylo. Leave him be... i wasnt going to fuck you here anyway, theres cameras" his eyes flicked to the small cctv cameras in the corner. You had a point. He sighed slowly letting you stand befpre him once more and reached out to retrieve his mask, which you promptly toom from him, holding it carefully. You didnt want him to disappear behinde it just yet. He gave you a look, only to shake his head at you as you subtly twisted the carbon mask from him stubbornly. He chuckled realiseing quickly you wanted to keep looking at him.

"Right~ Come, let's get you home;" he faltered as you stepped up beside him eagerly. It was odd, having someone wanting to be so close to him. He? Liked it. But only if it was you, everyone else better keep their fucking distance... especially if you were there.

"Lead the way" you grinned cutely up at him. It was enough to stop him in his tracks. This was it, his future; your future. It all starts now, starts here. And force be damned he could barely contain the excitement. You were his, and he was yours, and nothing would ever interfere again. For the first time in years, he felt that all powerful hope the rebellion raged on about. And honestly? He could understand it. This was a new, powerful feeling. He felt like he could achieve the impossible. And he would. There was no doubt in his mind now. You'd both succeed where others failed because you had one another.

[nesiacha]

I repeat one of my comments posted on Youtube

If I had my say on the way Suleiman's children were portrayed, because like a lot of people, I didn't like the way it was written in Magnificent Century, that's what I would do. ( In my eyes, Mustafa was seen as a pure white sehzade, which therefore made him in my eyes more stupid and less interesting than he actually was. Mehmed was practically erased of his personality and seen as a pure Gary Stu like his half brother. Cihangir, who I adore, yet in the series was too naive. Selim is seen as evil, etc...)

I would respect the historical point of view more. I propose an alternative version, I would have added Suleiman's children he had when he was sehzade with his other concubines before he became Sultan and met Hurrem and then had them die of the plague as it was historically.

Sehzade Mustafa - I would keep his childlike personality, except he is not close to his siblings (because of the fratricidal law), and I wouldn't put him close to Ibrahim at least until he becomes an adult and allies himself with him. I would let his mother take care exclusively of his education. A young man who craves recognition and attention from his father, who often neglects him in return over his other children due to the fact that Mahidevran is the Sultan's least beloved concubine. The more he becomes an adult, and especially a father, the more he resents his father because of the way he treats his mother and him. He does not really understand his father and therefore his fears due to the fact that he did not grow up close to him. I would keep his efficient heir personality because he performs very well despite his father never teaching him well because of his mother who is a very good advisor. Instead of doing something for his military glory or showing off his harem too much, I would focus on how he improves the lives of common people exhausted by too much conquest. I would make his guilt very ambiguous, at the start it is clear that he wants to wait for his father to die to have the throne and restore his mother's honor, however, he realizes that his father lets his vizier lead his life impossible to see even encourages him, does not hide that he preferred to have a son of Hurrem on the throne no matter what Mustafa will do. Following this, the sehzade wants to have a second plan like his grandfather in case Suleiman wants to abdicate in favor of another of his sons which would put him in danger (which could explain the Venetian correspondence, others say that it was a plan to prevent his brothers from escaping if one day he became Sultan) but hesitates to actually carry it out, then after some hesitation goes to his father's tent and gets strangled. Instead of doing Atmaca, I would focus on Mustafa's son-in-law, Nergissah's husband who started as Rustem's ally and becomes his most loyal supporter ( it seems that it is more a legend than truth, but I didn't remeber well as I didn't have on me my books of historian like Halil Inalcık) . So I would avoid making a treacherous Sehzade, his mistakes would be understandable, but he wouldn't be a pure white Sehzade.

Sehzade Mehmed: it's more complicated for him because he died without having proven himself in a complicated province like Amasya, so it's quite difficult to make a comparison with Mustafa. But I would make sure to give him a real personality: initially close to some of his brothers like Selim and Bayezid, he becomes, despite his mother, more distant towards them because of the fratricide (Mehmed II had therefore legalized it there is not much way to escape from it at the time unlike MCK) although he is very close to Cihangir and his sister. Unlike Mustafa, his father trained him in the regency of the palace and he did very well by dint of advice and practice. When he is sent to the provinces, he often listens to his mother's advice when she visits him. Knowing that he has the support of the statesmen against Mustafa he realizes knowing his father better than his half brother that he will have to play the role of the obedient sehzade not interested in politics although deep down he prepare for it. He has the happiness of being a father but dies immediately afterwards.

Mihrimah Sultan- I would make sure to respect the historical Hurrem who wants her daughter to have a marriage of love and happiness. However Suleiman prefers Rustem, and she accepts him immediately because she will do everything to save her brothers and convince her mother to accept this marriage. I would rather show her as a politician as well as her diplomatic relations. However, I would underline the unjust side of Suleiman, he had Mustafa executed and condemned Mahidevran to poverty but refuses to punish Mihrimah by banishing her because she would have helped Bayezid financially during his rebellion. Their relationship would be cold for a time before reconciling. She will be reconciled with her brother Selim because basically they only remain and will be an ally of Nurbanu.

Sehzade Abdullah- I would have included him even if he died very young.

Sehzade Selim- Initially a cultured young man very focused on charity work like his mother and sister and very sober. Nevertheless it is often sad due to the law of fratricide. When Mustafa dies, he realizes he has a chance to escape it and he will fight in a wicked way especially for his son Murad because he knows that Bayezid's temper will put him in danger besides fratricide. He knew how to recruit powerful and efficient state members. He is on the whole an obedient sehzade but who is disgusted with his father's treatment of Mahidevran (after all she is no longer a threat to him she no longer has a son) and who will take risks to her by helping her financially. As the hardships go on, his depression increases he drinks more and more especially after his sister takes the part of Bayezid, that his brother Bayezid dies, and the fact that he is obliged to make other sons in the case where Murad dies without an heir which means that he knows that his other sons will be condemned to death. He has become a broken leader although he makes sure there is effective governance.

As a Sultan he must face his father's mistakes, including the way he led the Empire, including too many wars and unnecessary conquests in Europe. ​

Sehzade Bayezid- Him complicated. Due to his explosive temper he is the black sheep of his siblings (Mustafa does not count since he is a half brother, they do not even know each other) and the most incompetent of Suleiman's sons and Suleiman is worried because he has inherited the worst faults of Selim Yavuz like being angry easily (without having had his qualities). Yet deep down he wants affection and that's why he has several children even if it's irresponsible, his mother favors him because she's afraid for him because he has too impulsive nature . Mihrimah comes to his aid only in memory of his mother, because deep down she prefers Selim, Bayezid knows this, which means that he hardly listens to her. She only helps him financially as a last resort because she couldn't convince him to call off the rebellion. Suleiman was more lenient to his mistakes that Mustafa (we could once again underline the unfair side of Suleiman again with this) until the point that he took refuge to the Shah.

Sehzade Cihangir- A cultured young man very close to his parents and very sick. I would make him a supporter of Selim because although he is close to him, he also knows that he is his only chance of survival because he is not close to Bayezid at all. He often sends information from the Palace to Selim to better aid him in managing his province and at times advises him to be more ruthless in his quest for the throne while remaining an obedient sehzade. It would therefore be a good adviser for Selim (and it would give him more personality). He cannot therefore be limited to the role of a simple supporter but also of a valuable advisor.

And that's how I would portray them if I were in the place of the screenwriters. They are all very nuanced (we avoid all white or all black), we can freely pick a favorite without trying to favor another sehzade at all costs, and I try to be consistent with what we know about them and try to explain why they did mistakes or make sucess.