#Am I shitting too much on Gav?

[historitor-bookshelf]

Chapter 1

...In other words, it was a dark and stormy night?

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Some dark warp-fuckery going on. The Night Lords also had some sort of this in the novel "Azrael" by Gav Thorpe, fucking with the sensory systems of the Deathwing. Still a very cool description of everything.

So, we meet Gaius, an Unnumbered Son of someone. Doesn't say whose. No, despite the name he is not Guilliman's, despite his company being commanded by a Novamarine (who is a Firstborn).

*googles*

mnemonic: assisting or intended to assist memory (pretty sure it was that, was checking for a secondary definition I didn't know)

kinaesthesia: sense mediated by receptors located in muscles, tendons, and joints, and stimulated by bodily movements and tensions; also: sensory experience derived from this sense

Okay, Gaius here is imagine his Sergeant walking down the line of the squads like during drills, reaching one of the other squads. But it's worded so weirdly. Or is that just me with English as a Foreign language? Listen, sentences and paragraphs like that make me feel self-concious about my English abilities, okay?

...Do I have to say it?

Alright, sums it up succintly enough. But maybe not like that?

Also, I am just saying that now - the time line of the scenes so far in the first few chapters is just all over the place. Switching back between the Night Lords' POV and Gaius and Co. is not helping it either.

Again? Really? Action scene incoming, with multi-page flashback in cursive stopping it?

No, bad practice! Bad! Do not aim a weapon at someone as a joke, even if it is unloaded!

Sergeant, Chaplain, someone kick his arse.

New Nickname for Bobby: Misguided Son.

Doesn't have the same ring as "Avenging Bean Counter" though.

Oh, no, I wouldn't have seen that coming!

A book titled "Wolftime" which has an immense meaning to the Space Wolves having at least one Primaris Space Wolf as a Protagonist. Not to mention that in the Dramatis Personae he is listed as Sergeant Gaius of Lupus-Six.

What I am saying, is, that it is not the intense, massive reveal it intends to be built up to. It just falls flat on its face.

To kinda contrast it with Space Marine 2's opening, you don't know for sure that it is Titus you are controlling. If you know and recogniize the VA, sure, you'll figure it out, sure, but if you don't know, it's a lot less clear. Could have been some random Blackshield with which the intent was to show off the Squad mechanics or customization options within the game, or be a seperate Marine character that would become important later on, especially because Titus was only shown in Marine armour (or shirtless). Only at the end of the prologue we find out for sure that it is our boy.

This... is just not working here.

This is a Space Marine. Their history, their origin and their Primarch especially is held up to such a high degree, that even a Primaris Unnumbered Son with little to no knowledge about Fenris and other Space Wolves will hold Leman Russ up before anything else. They worship them. They are the center of their identity. And Thorpe not outright saying that just feels out of character for pretty much every Space Marine. It is just off.

[enigmaris]

Reading a lot of DPxDC fics lately, heres my take on the Danny is Damian's twin AU:

Danny was injured to near death and left for dead by the League as a young boy. Ra's only wanted one heir and Danny was less bloodthirsty than Damian, so it was decided that Danny had to go.

Danny is found and taken to a hospital in Illinois, barely alive. He is saved and wakes up with basically no memories of where he was from and speaking a rare dialect of arabic that none of the cops investigating his case can identify. What words Danny does know in english are concerning so the cops figure Danny was being held by some sort of murder, death cult.

The investigation runs cold and Danny is sent to foster care once his injuries heal. He is then adopted by the fentons and moves to Amity Park. As he grows the only clear memories he has of his past is another boy his age who he felt safe with. He knows the other boy is important to him but not why. He cant even really remember his face, certainly not his name. Danny always felt shitty that he couldnt remember the other boy because if he did, then the cops would have rescued him from the murder death cult too. Instead the other boy is presumably there and getting hurt all the time like Danny was.

Danny gets his powers like normal at 14 and decides that now that he has superpowers he absolutely has to save that other boy. Sam and Tucker help him gather clues, he starts to remember a bit more. He remembers the word ahki and realizes that the other boy is his brother!! Which just really enhances Dannys need to save him from the murder death cult. Eventually Tucker finds a picture of Damian Wayne and Danny is like thats him. Thats my brother.

Wait.

Bruce Wayne is his brothers dad???

Bruce Wayne is a rich fruitloop like Vlad obviously, so he is probably a member of the murder cult. Danny has to rescue his brother from the illuminati.

Cue Sam going to a socialite dinner in gotham much to her parents delight. Getting close to Damian by talking about animal rights, slipping him some sleeping pills in his vegan food. Tucker hacking into the gala and causing a commotion. Danny lugging an unconscious Damian out of the Gala and into the GAV ( no, his parents dont know why he borrowed the car or where he is).

Damian wakes up and immediately tries to attack Danny thinking hes a clone. Danny is like woah shit no its me! Its your brother. Damian is like Danyal is dead. Danny is like obviously not. Now chill out im rescuing you from the cult.

Damian, who has been secrectly mourning his twin for years, has never heard anyone call the League of Assassins a cult. He has to reevaluate a lot of things while Danny drives the GAV out of Gotham as fast as he can. Danny explains his whole backstory and how he is sorry he didnt come to save Damian earlier, his memories were gone but he had never forgotten how important Damian was to him. Damian doesnt do emotions on a good day and is unable to handle that like a normal person.

"Father isnt part of the cult, Danyal."

"Hes a billionaire from Gotham, of course he is!"

Damian who has fought many rich people from gotham, all of whom were evil, tries to find an explanation that isnt 'our dad is batman'. Danny isnt listening to any of it, promising Damian that he will be safe from the murder cult in Amity.

Damian eventually gets out that their mother was in the cult and their father didn't know about them. Danny pulls the GAV over and looks at Damian.

"Did i just kidnap you for no reason?"

"It was a kind gesture at least Danyal."

"Fuck. I just kidnapped bruce wayne's kid in the middle of a gala, am i super villain now?"

"Not if you take me home. Father will understand Danyal."

"I dont want to go to jail!"

Damian gives Danny the address to Wayne Manor and Danny drives to Bristol.

When they walk inside Damian now has to explain the whole 'had a dead brother i never told you about' thing to a less than amused batfam.

Danny introduces himself to Bruce and says that he has an adopted family back in illinois, but that he would be happy to get to know Bruce, also sorry about the kidnapping i dont normally do that i thought you were part of the illumimati and i had to rescue my brother.

Bruce just hopes this kid is normal.

(Hint: he's not)

[scienter]

WE GOT LIFT AND RENARIN POVS!

CHAPTER 29

“I don’t stare at him,” Lift said, watching the Azish Windrunner give orders to subordinates. So confident, yet so studious. Not a brute, like so many of the Alethi. He had thoughts. He was smart. Not so tall as to be intimidating, but tall enough to be striking. “Pardon,” Wyndle said, “but you’re staring right now.” “Do you think,” Lift said, “he likes poetry?”

Poetry? Lift has a crush on Sigzil. Fantastic. 😂

Nobody had seen him since the attack on the tower though. Probably off sleeping somewhere. He was smart, that one. Always seemed to know when someone was gonna make him do something, so he got out of there quick.

For real though – where the hell is Zahel?

“He’s married, you know.” “Yeah,” she said, leaning farther to the side. “His husband’s hot too. Seems unfair. You’re hot, you can fly, and you have a hot husband? Windrunners, Wyndle, I’m tellin’ ya. Something’s up with them. You know, I ain’t never seen one o’ them run into a wall? Not even a small wall.”

Lift has a crush on Drehy too? lmao It was only a matter of time before Lift started thirsting over the Windrunners.

Gav nodded, knees drawn up against his chest, staring at the ground. “My mother gave me to Voidbringers,” he said softly, “to be tormented and killed.”

JFC. This poor kid is so traumatized.  No wonder he worries Navani and Dalinar don’t want him.  Good thing Lift made an effort to befriend him.

“I’m gonna learn,” Gav said, a small angerspren pooling beneath him, like bubbling blood. “How to use a Shardblade. How to fight. Then I’m gonna find everyone who hurt my father, and I’m going to kill them. I’m gonna make their eyes burn out and then, when they’re dead, I’ll chop them to pieces.”

😬 WTF. That's a little intense for a 5-year-old.

If Moash & Gav survive this book then there’s a good chance for a Gav gets revenge sub-plot in the second half of Stormlight.

“Gram,” Gav said on the way, “what’s ‘shit’ mean?” Lift winced. Maybe… maybe teaching the crown prince to cuss hadn’t been her smartest move. Secretly deep down, she was a bit of a druff, wasn’t she.

😂 Is this the first scene Brandon has ever used the word ‘shit’ in a Cosmere book?

I loved this scene so much. From Lift thirsting over Windrunners to befriending Gav to letting Wyndle into her secret handshake. TI adore Lift.

Wyndle nodded, satisfied. He glanced at her. Then he frowned. “You’re… going to follow them, aren’t you?” “Storming right I am,” Lift said, hopping down. “I mean, I need more snacks, so I was planning to get up anyway…”

I hope Lift sneaks into the Spiritual realm with Dalinar. I loved their scenes in Oathbringer and I’ve been hoping to see them paired up again.

CHAPTER 30

WE GOT A RENARIN POV! FINALLY!

Of course she’d send a report. She still hoped, as Dalinar did, that Renarin would change his mind and agree to be king of Urithiru should his father fall. Barring that, they wanted him to be Jasnah’s heir until Gav was of age. Though Jasnah would ensure an elected official took her place, they thought Alethkar should have a monarch, even if they didn’t have absolute power.

Although we knew Dalinar originally wanted one of his sons to inherit Uritihru, I think it’s significant that Brandon chose to show us Dalinar’s conversation with Kaladin and not Renarin. He didn’t throw that in there without reason, right?  Is this focus on succession simply world-building or is it significant to the plot?

 “The way you look at Rlain,” Drehy said in response to Renarin’s apparent confusion. “Oh, that,” Renarin said, relaxing. It was an embarrassing topic, but at least now he knew what the topic was. “Is it… um… obvious?”

Oh, the Rlainarin shippers have waited so long for this day. It's good to see this ship finally take off.

“What do you want, Renarin?” Drehy asked. “Not what your aunt, or your father, or anyone else wants. What do you want?” “Maybe what I want,” he said, “is for my aunt, and my father, and everyone else to be happy.”

Oh, Renarin, your happiness is important too. 🥺

It’s great that Drehy is making an effort to help Renarin. I enjoy character interactions like this more than action or worldbuilding tbh.

“Those aren’t books full of facts or learning,” Renarin admitted. “They’re adventure stories, the kind written for young women. I had a whole collection, much to Father’s embarrassment.” “Renarin,” Rlain said, “I have seen how your father treats you. He’s not embarrassed of you.” “He was when I was young,” Renarin said. “But he was wrong back then, wasn’t he?”

Interesting. So in Alethkar men don’t have novels read to them? Only women enjoy fiction? Huh.

I’m fascinated with the reversal in Dalinar’s relationships with his sons within the story. Before the current story, Dalinar and Renarin had a strained relationship because Renarin was sickly and too “feminine” for Alethi culture. Dalinar no longer cares about traditional gender roles, and he is supportive of Renarin’s interests regardless of whether they conform to Alethi gender or class expectations. In contrast, Dalinar and Aldolin had a solid relationship in the past when Dalinar was the Blackthorn. But now Adolin resents his father and there’s tension between them because Dalinar killed Evi. Dalianr has yet to figure out how to connect with both of his sons at the same time.

Okay, so to summarize Renarin’s visions:

Renarin on a throne wearing singer clothing

There's a storm

Dalinar & a glowing figure stand on a clifftop as a city collapses into a pit

12 figures peacefully standing in Shinovar, including a Horneater, a Makabaki, Natans, and a blue woman with a blue skirt and white hair.

A femalen face with swirling black & red patterns

Renarian's future involves the singers (or at least Rlain).

Dalinar standing with the glowing figure (Taravangian?) is probably the aftermath of the contest of champions.

Pretty sure the blue woman is Syl. So . . . Syl in Shinovar with 11 other figures = Syl + Kaladin + Szeth + the Heralds? Don't know who the Horneater is though . . .

I think the angry femalan face with swirling black & red patterns is Ba-Ado-Mishram because she's pretty pissed about being locked up.

I really liked these chapters. The Lift and Renarian POVs were overdue and a welcome change. Hope we get Dalinar, Kaladin, and Szeth next week. Or Adolin. We haven't had an Adolin POV in a while.

[bengiyo]

Gav and Cai Hira and Kiyoi Teh and Oh

aka my top 3 and TanBun or KornKnock for the grown and sexy

Absolutely zero chill. Four pairs?? I think you're just gonna get me firing from the hip.

Gavreel and Cairo

When it comes to BL, the Philippines won when it came to tackling how the pandemic affected connection and romance. I really like presentation of developing a crush on a streamer and just going for it with these two. I'm still waiting for my proper gamers BL, but this is a good first outing.

I think what I like so much about what we got from these two is how temporary so much of their lives feels. They want to be together. They want to commit. However, life won't let them. Gav can't stay here and be okay because he's running out of money and honestly isn't that well right now. Cairo is still grieving his dad, and he has a lot of growing up to do.

They're one of the rare pairs that I want to be together in the future who I am glad are forced to take a break when we see them part.

Hira and Kiyoi

I think the best thing about this show and this pairing was the reveal that Kiyoi was also obsessed with Hira from the moment their eyes first locked. I also really like that Kiyoi is a bottom who wants it.

We've been lucky with these two that we got to see them three times, and I like how much stronger Yagi has gotten as an actor each time, and how Hagiwara has grown as a creator and storyteller. These two seem to really understand that they have two characters who struggle to say what's necessary to each other in a way that reaches the other.

I loved in Season 2 when Kiyoi realized that Hira was still worshiping him as a god and freaked the fuck out about it, storming out of the house. That he was in the living room the next morning waiting for Hira to come and talk to him, only to get annoyed again was perfect. We get fairly decent payoff for Hira finally facing his own ego when it comes to Kiyoi in the movie, and these two remain among my favorites.

Also, Yagi Yusei really is that beautiful.

Teh and Oh

I just know if I was part of MoRaoYuLok I would have a side chat where we just bitched about these two.

Teh is such an asshole sometimes, and Oh is really so patient with his nonsense. I always lament that Teh is so unsociable that he struggles to maintain a lot of friendships, and it's why that snake Jai was able to get in there and fuck up his life. Still, Teh isn't off the hook for his own shit. He's always struggled with jealousy when it comes to Oh, and he's always worried about falling behind him.

Oh is just so naturally gifted and has an irresistible natural charm. He knows he's beautiful, and he knows how people see yet, and yet he's only ever looking at Teh. We should all be so lucky.

I think about that translation scene in episode 3 of ITSAY regularly, and how that is probably one of the best moments we've ever had in BL. These two really captured a love that feels bigger than their bodies can contain.

Tan and Bun

I'll talk about Tan and Bun since it's been too long since I watched Together With Me and cannot remember them that clearly anymore.

Tan was so ridiculous this entire show, and I'll never get over Bun being ACAB as fuck the whole time. Bun never forgot that he was trying to solve this case for his bestie who they murdered, but he knew she would want him to get some ass along the way.

Tan said absolutely insane shit to Bun literally every episode. He even shot that man off a cliff. Somehow he still won. Incredible.

Send Me a Ship and I'll Share My Thoughts

[sevi007]

FF 16 spoilers

Spoilers right up til the ending lads and ladies

Are you kidding me. Are you. Kidding. Me

Ahem. Excuse me. I needed to get that out of my system.

Like. I‘m still reeling. I „only“ had the final fight to finish, thought yea, easy - and now this rollercoaster ride of feels right here. Ugh. Uff

I will get more into depth on the whole game in a seperate post later, but right now I need to jot down my first impression

From the start just - ugh. UGH. Gav openly crying into Clive‘s shoulder. Mid almost doing the same as they talk about Cid. Byron seeing his brother‘s sons off into a suicide mission

(Where was Otto though? Needed Otto, Goetz, Charon and Blackthorne here too! And Terence while we‘re at it. Aggressively promoting the NPCs here)

And Jill. Jill. I‘m almost glad she stayed behind and wasn‘t in danger but ouch. Now is so not a good moment for a love confession children (I know, I know, it might be the last chance, but that makes it so much more difficult). Why must you hurt me so, you two.

I will get back to that though

Then the journey and the final fight. Can I say I‘m almost disappointed there was no big aerial battle as Bahamuth against the many thralls? That would have been cool. But alas

I WOULD have liked for the battle of the three Eikons against Ultima to be. A real battle? Like the the Cinematic clashes are rather slow compared to other QTEs, I didnt feel a lot of excitement in this part of the battle compared to the rest of it

Changed with the next cutscene though. I mean, I had already suspected there is more of Ultima‘s people - one for every Eikon - but I had thought the Mothercrystals are there to power them up, and destroying them would stop that. I was just as shocked as Clive to here we basically helped them with it.

And then. Then. Here‘s the yelling part, the are you kidding me -

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE LOSE JOSHUA?!

We JUST got him back! After 18 years! We had all these sidequests to gather him medicine! He is literally the Phoenix - Undying! Nope. Nu-uh. Square I am not accepting that. Did not happen in my book

But also thos is quite possible one of the visually most beautiful scenes, what with the Phoenix wings and reflecting in Joshua‘s eyes. And the voice actors, especially Clive‘s, really knocked it out of the park. The gasps and sniffles and the pain? Holy shit. I cried mostly because of the voices

The unholy rage I felt man - I felt very much in Clive‘s position there. Very immersive. Just absolutely get WRECKED Ultima, you made the wrong brother angry

The battle was so, so awesome. I‘m sorry but this might just about be cooler than the one in Rebirth, hands down.

The music - that was a remix of Find the Flame, yes? It sounded different but alike.

Then that it was one on one, and Ultima almost humanlike - fit really well in showing how he is no different from us, from Clive. And the way Ultima got more and more desperate and lost all cool, INCREDIBLY satisfying

the part where Ultima and Clive kept meeting Eikon with the same Eikon - combined with the Voice overs from Clive‘s friends - so good, I cheered.

The Eikon fight part was also very cool. Hate to say it, but blue-fire Ifrit also looks damn cool. Can we get blue and red fire please XD

Just. The entire fight was wellrounded and fun, really had my blood pumping, I loved it.

And then. Then, the end. The flashback to baby Clive and baby Joshua. Come on. Dont turn the knife in the wound you sadists!

Well. Obviously. They are all okay. It‘s clear as day. Clive healed Joshua, so he‘s gonna be okay. Dion only fell into the sea, and OBVIOUSLY the Enterprise had followed them and picked him up. And Clive already got to the beach all alone, now we just need to go get him. Yup. Mhm

(But Sevi the game made it clear - shhhh. Shush. No. Not in this house. In this house, we live in dellusion)

[sunwarmed-ash]

Sinful Sunday Snippet

cuz im in a good mood 😘

Hankconvin-NSFW 🔞🔞

<1 MMS>

[U up?] 2:53 AM

Read at 2:53 AM

Gavin looks at his, unresponded to, dick picture again. It wasn’t a bad pic, it was arguably one of the best ones he’s ever taken of himself. But it was unprofessional, scratch that it was downright career suicide, to send a drunk (okay high, phck off,) dick pic to your direct supervisor. 

But Gavin and Hank were different. They had a history, and with Christmas next week… maybe he wasn’t handling the approaching holiday well. He tended to self-destruct a little, hence the eighth ounce of pot he’s already smoked and the stupid photo that’s been sent, received, and left on read for over 4 minutes now. 

His phone buzzes in his hand the next moment and his blood pressure sky rockets.

[Very] 2:57 AM

He didn't expect any response, let alone a potentially interested one. Another two agonizing moments pass and he gets another response, a picture message. And when he opens, his jaw drops in surprise. It's certainly not the response he expects. 

His eyes are currently making eye contact with the man in the digital photo who was not Hank but Connor, Anderson’s newest plastic fuck buddy. But that wasn’t even what surprised Gavin. What surprises him is the fact that the robot's mouth and throat have seemingly swallowed all 9 inches of Hank’s thick, monster cock and is looking up at the camera so pitifully like its still not enough to satisfy him. 

A sea of complex, conflicting emotions flash through Gavin’s body in a fraction of a moment. Anger, jealousy, arousal, fear, irritation, rejection; and it makes him want to toss his phone across the room and bury himself under another three joints. Instead, his cat chooses that moment to walk across his chest and knock his phone out of his hand anyway, demanding affection. Gavin would have been annoyed, if he didn't actually need a minute to breathe. 

Besides, they left him on read for a few minutes, they will survive.  

Gavin takes the moment to try to understand what he’s feeling, the jealousy and resulting anger mostly. He’s been trying to do better, and that includes attempts at understanding where all of his anger comes from. He got arm twisted into therapy a week after the Revolution and now here is, trying to get healthy and shit. But he is jealous. 

Why? He doesn't hate the view. Gavin thinks the picture of Connor’s stupid, smart mouth finally given something better to do than yap looks amazing. 

Maybe he's jealous because it's not him? 

No, that's not quite it. Probably more that he’s not there too. Gavin hates feeling left out, which is something he’s learned about himself after 6 weeks of compulsive therapy. And he’s always had a thing for Anderson. 

Or maybe Hank’s just letting you down easy… the darkest corners of his mind whisper. Because even weekley therapy couldn't silence all the pasts demons. They seem to always win in the end, because he’s typing,

[Sorry. See you got your hands full already.] Before he can stop it. 

Hank’s response this time is almost immediate. 

[That was an invitation Gav, not a rejection.] 3:02 AM

[If you're still interested, that is.] 3:02 AM

Hell phcking yeah he was interested. So much so he was practically flying out of bed, pissing off Venom, his 11 month old, all black, brat of a kitten. (Named because she literally climbs the walls of his apartment constantly and refuses to eat anything but tater tots). She hisses at him before running to her cat bed. Gavin sends one more text before walking out the door. 

[I can be there in 15] 3:04 AM

-

check back tonight at 10 PM Mountain Time for the full fic 😘

[copsecore]

My Thoughts About Hot Boi Summer ‘23:

CW/TW: i will be non-specifically AND specifically referencing at least semi-nsfw content so please dont read if that doesn’t fly with you in any way, please be responsible!

[PSA: THIS IS MY OWN OPINION OKAY - AND I MEAN NONE OF IT WITH ANY MALICE - TY]

DAVID:

Holy shit what the fuck this was Amazing (im referencing the poll on this post because erik did the results on stream, so yeah). David was in my top three picks for the poll and I was gutted that he didn’t seem to get very high - but i think that’s coz it was the first video, so maybe people had forgotten about it/it wasn’t as much in the forefront of the majority’s minds by the time the poll was released. Pretty much no negative thoughts.

VINCENT:

WE NEED MORE CUTE 7/11 DATES OKAY PLEASE ITS SO SWEET. Ofc the snack puns coming in Clutch ugh i loved those. My only issue (“issue”) was literally the same as why i wasn’t over the moon when sam was voted for the ba (sue me. i liked it anyway) and that was just that we had a vincent one a few months ago, and also a pretty pre-sexual vid after that. Also the fact that lovely literally grabbed his junk in semi-(hah, pun)public, but it’s the anti-PDA in me that disliked that part, so feel free to ignore it!

AVIOR:

Also in my top picks!!! I was a tad gutted when we didn’t get his. Saw a lot of posts begging for people to vote for it because yk him n starlight have been in literal Hell for years and therefore they deserve some smut time. Super cute vid, “A Romantic Night” is totally the right descriptor for it and also AYO WHIMPERY AVIOR??? YES. sorry ahem it’s the demons.

GAVIN:

It was so good. The premise of getting a more subby gavin? chef’s kiss, more please. everything about it was good and i WISH the ba had been how i expected it to go, but we aren’t here for my criticisms of That, so whatever. It links back to an old non-canon Huxley preview vid that was taken from us (RIP) when the channel lost loads of vids, or at least thats what it reminded me of, with the whole BBQ-and-somewhat-sexual-teasing aspect it was amazing and i would like to see more switch-esque gav in the future (*manifesting*)

LASKO:

Not too much to say considering I started this post as a way to lightly complain about the poll results, and Lasky wasn’t on the poll, obviously. Regardless, I’m glad this video went the way it did, I think we’ve seen a lot of lasko being quick to jump the proverbial gun in the last few years, with his non-canon vids, and hooking up with gavin, etc, so it was nice to see him break away from that and ask to move slower coz hell yeah dude, progress and growth!! and i think it shows how much he wants the relationship to be more natural, and not racing ahead, even if he does in part want that - it was sweet as hell.

ELLIOTT (ft. The Dragon):

I gotta say it right off the bat that i just found the video on the more boring end. *POLICE SIRENS BLARING IN THE BACKGROUND* AH FUCK-

I’m just not overly surprised that i think Eli got some of the lowest results on the poll, I enjoyed the video, and i liked it (this will be a recurring statement) but i just didn’t like it As Much. Lots of people (including me, ngl) wanted more of the dragon - but erik’s not about to do weird fantasy not-fully-bestiality-esque stuff guys - and i’m pretty sure I only liked it coz cmon it’s erik doing another hot voice, im gonna be down horrendous BUT NOT FOR AN ACTUAL DRAGON. i am Not donkey from Shrek. And yeah, i know Eli’s powers can be kinda limiting with what they can bring to the (pun not intended) sex-table, but does all of his spicy stuff have to be in a Dreamscape? idk.

ASHER:

My Second Favourite Hands Down. How people picked Sam over riding Ash in the front seat of a rental, i’ll never understand /lh the horn may make me jump every time, but it’s okay, there’s repentance in the tongue kissing, and i stand by that, it was the best bit (or one of the best bits), No Criticisms (except Ash please don’t have sex in a RENTAL. wait until you get to a bedroom at least PLEASE-)

GUY:

Again, i liked it but not as much. I love Guy, he’s one of my favourites, i can’t really say why i didn’t like this video as much as I normally would, maybe the concept just wasn’t rolling with me as well - the whole idea of post-concert seemed vaguely random, but you could argue that about all of these, so it doesn’t count. did anyone else see this or was it just me, coz if it is then i will quietly wave my flag of solidarity from my hole in the ground where nobody can see it.

ANTON:

I voted Anton. It was the sadness with the feelings and the horniness spicyness towards the end, ugh I loved it, Anton come home from war soon please (im terrified he might die because despite everything, nothing Death Related had happened in project meridian yet, and let’s face it, it’s gonna.) - it was nice seeing a different but also soothing take on the “your lover is leaving for an indefinite amount of time” thing, and how it changed in comparison to James’ video on it. Anton deserved the continuation okay. No aggression though.

SAM:

This is where I might get more argumentative because I was so disappointed that Sam won the poll, even though I love sammy. It seemed slightly out of character?? with everything we know about Sam, it just seems so unlikely that he would go to a club, let alone start getting, uh, “busy” n shit while at one. he’s not a big fan of PDA because of his past, in my opinion, and i think overall he’s very private, so the setting and stuff just seemed out of place, it would’ve made more sense for Milo’s or smth to be set there - but hell I can’t tell erik how to write his own characters lmao - and still, the ba was Great. with a capital G.

MILO:

I fell asleep listening to this the first couple of times, which says a lot already. The sensual massage trope has been used as a gateway to presumably spicy off-screen things before (Aaron’s HBW ‘21, Asher’s HBS ‘22) but idky it wasn’t hitting as well as it normally does, maybe it’s wearing thin on my brain. ofc it’s redacted content so i’m gonna eat it up like it’s ass (crude but true) but i listened to it through without falling asleep and was like “yeah it’s good, i like it, but also eh,,,” - like i mentioned, it would’ve made more sense to me if Milo’s and Sam’s were swapped around - anyone agree?

CONCLUSION:

as always, all the videos were really good, and despite whatever came across through this post, overall, i enjoyed all of them, so please don’t take this as a criticism towards erik or any of his work, trust me, i absolutely adore it - i say it every time, but every time it’s worth saying, and also please don’t cancel me. this was a really long post, so a lot of people probably won’t read it, so if you made it this far; well done! have a star 🌟- don’t be afraid to leave any agreements or disagreements in the notes, i love discussing stuff with people! thanks for reading

[silver-wield]

Just finished FFXVI and cried all of my tears because of this absolutely heartbreaking ending. I feel like there's a void in my chest and a bitter taste in my mouth, I'm not ready to let all of these wonderful characters go yet... Btw the ending got me confused (as it should be probably) because being an open ending it will obviously cause all sorts of divergent interpretations. Unless authors don't state with absolute certainty what happened and who lived and/or died, all theories are valid. But I'm curious... what's yours? I personally am conflicted, I need more time to draw my conclusions. I think the simplest interpretation of the ending is that Clive died, Joshua survived and wrote the book and Dion died as well but... Idk, it's too shallow. Some other ppl claimed that it's Clive the one who survived and wrote the book using Joshua's name, others that both (and Dion too) died and their friends wrote the book. Another theory is that Clive and Joshua both died but reincarnated in the two brothers in the post credit scene (Clive also wished for a life where his mother would love him). About Dion, who's absolutely my favourite character of the game, what do you think about Harpocrates's side quest about Dion? Dion refused to accept the flower and Harpocrates is sad about that knowing all to well that Dion will never come back to take it. Am I too pessimistic? Or do you think it's foreshadowing that he may still be alive. I mean, you know the rule: they're alive until you see the corpse. There's also one missing character: Leviathan. He's just mentioned but never shows up. Idk there are a lot of unanswered questions for the story to be really over. Do you think we're gonna have a DLC or a FFXVI-2?

Answer below the cut, but as for dlc, Yoshi P has said they might if the response is good enough. I think during the last interview he mentioned they had ideas and wanted player feedback on what stories we'd like to see more of. Lotta people in Japan are asking for Dion and Leviathan dlc, but I'd be fine with anything. It really feels like we could spend a few years with XVI and still not really know everything about it.

Clive is the one who lived and wrote the book.

That's the insignia of his hideaway and he's the only one affiliated with it. He used Joshua's name as an alias the same way he used Cid's so that a part of him would live on.

What's up in the air is Joshua and Dion's fates.

Dion could've survived, and I hope he did because he deserves to find redemption and forgiveness instead of dying holding onto all that guilt, and I'm sure his people wouldn't want him to end that way, even though they might be angry with him for a while over what happened.

The spell Ultima was strengthening Clive to cast is Revive. He was gonna revive his race from death and take over Valisthea. Clive used the spell on Joshua, but it's unclear if it worked.

There's also a shit ton of hints throughout the game that Clive needs to save himself and stop acting like his life can be thrown away. Jill, Cid, Gav, Joshua, and pretty much everyone he knows tells him to come home and not sacrifice himself. There's also other hints in sidequests and even in the lore that Clive will also be saved in the end.

It's a breadcrumb trail and really unsatisfying given everything he went through, but of everyone, Clive definitely lives.

[itisaterriblelove]

“HEY BABY, I’M IN THE PARKING LOT.” 

One of the very best things about being friends with someone for so long and so completely was that Elle didn’t even bother to ask any questions. We could operate on the same brain frequency sometimes. I knew that if I showed up to anyone else’s place at this time of night – well, okay, morning because it was fucking one am – there would at least be a couple of inquiries about my sanity or, in DK’s case, some grumbling about interrupting his cuddles with Jemma Moss. He could be such a selfish asshole sometimes, I swear. And stingy with his cuddles, too.

But because Elle loved me and was literally the best person in the universe, I only had to wait eight minutes before she came out of her dorm building carrying her purse and a blanket because the air had started to catch a chill. Her eyes were still wide, a shimmering green, so I knew that I hadn’t woken her up.

She yawned when she pulled my truck door open and hopped in, but her smile was soft and warm when she looked over at me and kissed me on the cheek. “Couldn’t sleep?” 

I shrugged a shoulder instead of answering aloud and cast a wry grin in her direction. She was well versed in my spontaneous bouts of insomnia so I knew that I didn’t really have to explain it to her. On nights like these I always showed up to her place and we picked a random direction to drive in until I found a spot that felt like a good place to stop. She was usually the navigator, I was the driver, and we just kind of let fate do whatever it wanted with us. 

“I’m controlling the playlist,” she announced and pulled up my phone to start rifling through her options. “And whenever you want to tell me what’s wrong, I’m all ears.” She didn’t bother to give me a chance to object to her decision to dj, so I already knew that it wasn’t a fight that I was going to win tonight.

It was fine. We both knew that I didn’t really mind.

“Nothing’s wrong,” I countered while she poked around on my phone. There was nothing on there that she couldn’t see and, anyway, her biometrics were hooked to all of my things. Because Elle was the person who was responsible for wiping my searches clean if I died unexpectedly or fell into a coma or some shit. So the government wouldn’t think I was on some serial killer schtick if shit went down… I was just curious, damn!

“My brain just won’t stop,” I made a turning motion with my hand and she nodded in understanding. “Why were you still up?” 

“Sketching out a design for a new dress,” she beamed at me and my heart turned over. I fucking loved the way her designs gave her so much joy. “I just finished up when you called, so perfect timing. Ohhh!” She squirmed, excited all over again, and pressed onto the screen with her finger. “Secret music!”

I chuckled because I recognized the playlist immediately after hearing her words, as my own guitar sounds came streaming through the truck speakers. “These are not secret, baby. Just unfinished.”

“Yes, but you’ve never played them for me,” she cut an accusing look at me from the corner of her eyes and I didn’t bother to dispute it. Okay, so, we didn’t have any secrets. That was true. But fuck. I hadn’t ever played her this particular set of songs probably for a reason. And not one I wanted to delve into, so I just didn’t bother to respond.

Elle got quiet as she listened and I concentrated my attention to the road ahead of me instead of categorizing her reactions to the sporadic hints of lyrics and ever-switching melodies playing through the speakers.

She was a quick study, so by the time the playlist repeated Elle was humming along. “These are good, Gav!” She smacked my leg lightly in what I knew was admonishment for keeping them from her. “I didn’t know you were writing your own stuff. Why doesn’t the band play any of these?!” 

I hummed, but I could feel the rush of heat sliding down from my cheeks to my neck. “Eh… Cressida’s pretty particular about the mood of our songs. These don’t really fit.” They weren’t love songs, exactly, but they weren’t… not… Cressida and Aidan had some kind of ban on love songs.

Besides I didn’t want to fucking share them.

The songs weren’t about being in love. They weren’t. But they were whatever the fucking platonic adjacent of that was – the way that I felt about my friends. The ones that I knew I would keep forever. So, yeah. They were kind of personal and the irony of Elle softly humming along was not lost on me.

“Your singing’s not so bad. We could go on the road together,” she teased, bumping her shoulder into mine, and I grinned back at her. It wasn’t the first time she’d said something similar or that I had agreed to it, either.

“I thought that was already the plan.”

“Unless you dump me for DK. He gets kinda pouty every time I say we’re going to have our own two-man band one day.”

“Yeah, yeah. That fucker doesn’t know how to share,” I scowled playfully out the windshield, seeing a nice little turn ahead that looked like exactly the kind of place that I wanted to stop.

“Only him?” Elle teased, aghast. “I’m pretty sure he’s in good company with you on that front, mister.” 

I made an affronted sound as I found my spot and pulled over. “The fuck, Elle? I resemble that remark.” 

She giggled as she swung her door open, following my lead. “You really, really do.” She hopped down and clapped her hands. “Okay! Now for something lighter!” And she switched the music to a really pop-y boy band that I absolutely fucking refused to admit I knew the name of and started belting out the lyrics with her arms thrown wide.

I turned the music up a bit and followed her out, glancing up at the sky with a long sigh. It was a beautiful night out and there probably weren’t too many of them left. I knew once the cold really seeped in it wouldn’t let up again for months and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

But tonight the air was decent and the stars were bright, and I was in the company of my absolute favorite girl in the fucking world.

“Sing with me, Gavin!” Elle crowed, taking my hand, and so I danced with her and joined my voice with hers as we used the truck’s headlights for illumination under the stars.

And this was why we took these drives on my sleepless nights. I knew that when I got home my head wouldn’t be unsettled anymore. Instead I would just feel like everything was exactly as it should be, even though I also knew there would be a niggling part of me wishing things could stay exactly like this forever. Just never fucking change.

It was a fool’s hope, for sure, but I could afford to hold onto it for just a little longer yet.

[alistairlowes]

aoud live reread part2 where we are sad

no but gotta love how they all forgive reid just like that even though he fucked them all up but sure let's kill alistair fuck him he is way worse 🙄

*

gavin to alistair while torturing a person:

“You’re not doing this alone.”

and they say romance is dead

*

"Self-sabotage or not, Alistair was starting to realize he did like boys."

*

"He’d insulted Gavin. Fought him. Hated him. And yet, he realized he wanted him, a moth drawn to a lantern even knowing it would burn."

lines that altered my brain chemistry

*

“In a different story, would we still have been enemies?”

“Does it matter?”

*

Yet even as Alistair strode outside, he tossed several glances at his shoulder, hoping—recklessly—that Gavin would follow.

He didn’t.

HE SHOULD HAVE. can't blame him tho neither of them can read emotions for shit

*

“Gav?” Alistair’s voice rasped through the dark. She hadn’t realized that he and Gavin were on a nickname basis.

bestie i wish you knew

*

"He knew exactly how he felt about Alistair, and after all the time they’d spent together he’d thought—maybe foolishly—that Alistair might feel the same way. But he didn’t even know if Alistair liked boys."

*

and fuck grieve family too.

*

"Alistair had asked him who they’d be, in a different story. He wondered for the first time if they could have one. If they could truly acknowledge what was happening to the tournament. To Hendry. Between each other."

I AM ILLLL

*

i would kill to get hendry's pov of what it's like looking at these two oblivious idiots

*

"Instead, he’d opted for a subtler strategy, targeting Alistair’s greatest weakness: his heart."

we cannot keep doing thissss

*

“Do you hear yourself right now? Gavin doesn’t want to kill you. If anything, he—”

LET HIM SPEAK LET THE MAN SPEAAAK

*

“I don’t want to be another thing that haunts you, Al.”

*

alistair on his little murder spree

hendry:

alistair about to kill his boyfriend

hendry: okay that's enough

*

"He couldn’t stop thinking about Alistair’s hand on his cheek. The rage on his face. He’d wanted Alistair to touch him like that for so long that it had hardly mattered to him if it was the last thing he ever felt."

when i tell you they make me ill i mean it

*

“You can’t kill my brother. You like him too much.”

and there it is <3

*

“Dying is the only thing I was ever supposed to do.”

shhhh. no

*

honestly hendry parts always get me because as fun as these books are this is actually v fucked up and it's making me sad

"I—I don’t want to die knowing that everything I’ve suffered through meant nothing.”

😭🔫

*

“When I escape, I’ll kill him. I’ll make his blood boil in his veins. I’ll skewer him upon a stake and leave him for the crows to feast on. I’ll fashion myself a crown out of his bones.”

why is he like this

“You’re too late,” Alistair told him. “I’ve long descended into madness.”

“It’s been fourteen hours.”

CRYING

*

"I always do this to myself. I get these … twisted thoughts about whoever is close to me.”

i was gonna say he is so relatable because i too fall in love with anyone nice to me but ok he is self aware

*

“Stay,” Alistair whispered. “Please.”

*

“I’m sorry,” Alistair said. His first good thing, and he was terrified of it. Terrified that Gavin would reject it—or worse, twist it. Whatever Alistair felt for Gavin, whether it was genuine or a symptom of self-sabotage, he didn’t need Gavin to return it. But Alistair didn’t know how he’d go forward if he didn’t have someone to believe in him. And he wanted that someone to be Gavin.

SCREAMING

*

"Isobel couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment when Reid had earned her forgiveness, but he had."

they are like great and all but it's funny how she forgave him when he got her into the tournament and fucking kidnapped her and not alistair who did all he did by accident cuz he dumb 😭

*

alistair's curse is becoming white haired anime boy ☠️

*

"Gavin remembered how Alistair had crumpled into his arms in the courtyard; how he’d felt so fragile there, as though all the villainous armor he’d so carefully constructed had fallen away. Gavin had known at that moment it no longer mattered to him what they’d done to each other. He still wanted this. Wanted Al. But after a lifetime of Gavin pushing his desires aside, he had no idea how to approach something so important."

THEY ARE SO CAREFUL WITH EACHOTHER I CAN'T

*

"Gavin regretted bringing up the fan club earlier, if only because he now suspected he’d accidentally become its president."

no that's me actually sorry

*

“I’m sorry you had the world’s worst first kiss,” he said. “You deserved something better.”

“I think you could argue I deserved exactly what I got,” Alistair murmured.

“We both know that’s not true.”

*

briony saying how she wants chips when this is all over... well... WELL...

*

“Do you know how this looks? Like I’m some kind of freak mastermind, manipulating everyone behind the scenes.”

“But isn’t that kind of the truth?”

literally 🤡

*

alistair saying he didn't use the ring to save gavin's life even though he knew it would kill him even tho he didn't want to do it for whole of 2 books because it was his brother's life he is just so full of shit i love him sm :')

*

“I’m sorry,” Gavin forced out, over and over, as though he’d somehow failed Alistair after being the only person beside his brother who’d stayed with him, who’d believed in him despite everything he’d done."

*

"After everything he’d gone through, one thing remained unchanged: He’d always want what he’d never have."

AAAAAAAAGGGGXGDHHDHD. this chapter makes me so mentally ill i'm sorry

*

"And if his enemy’s lips were the last, fatal touch Alistair ever felt, then so be it. He would gladly welcome his demise."

THEY ARE SO FUCKING SICK FOR WRITING THIS LINE

*

alistair: how did you know kissing me would break the curse?? 😳

gavin who just wanted to kiss him:

*

noah fence but two of them making out on a grass next to a corpse is the single best scene ever written idgaf no one will ever match this

*

“You’re the only good thing I have left. So I want to try and make this work, if you do.”

🥺🥺🥺

*

gavin is a good brother and a bigger person than me because if i had to pick between running away with alistair or staying to take care of my brother girl i'd be out so fast ☠️

*

as long as alistair is happy ❤️

*

okay done damn what the fuck am i suppose to do now

[sega-saturn-arcade]

long post ahead!! eek!!

I miss him. I miss him and I worry for him, but as someone who had lost a friend. Someone who cannot contact them or truly know what they’re doing, only hope based on what they know. I hope he didn’t hate me. I hope me taking the blame for everything makes it better. I hope he’s okay, overall. I hope the damn Blackrock government never caught him.

I miss him like a long gone friend. I don’t know if he knows how much of an impact he made on me. I hope he’s safe. I hope he loves himself more than he did when I knew him.

I only want the best for him. Maybe a part of me blaming myself for everything and saying I was the issue when perhaps it wasn’t even about me is probably me rationalizing everything being better by saying,

“It was never your fault. Please don’t feel bad. I can take those negative emotions and feel them for you. Maybe then you will feel better and it will be okay. Maybe you won’t hate me if I am the one who takes responsibility for everything that happened.”

It does nothing, though. Even if it does make me feel bad it perhaps brings me some kind of peace. Maybe if I find him again he’ll tell me it is okay, it’s neither of our faults. Maybe then I can release that burden I carry myself.

(more under cut)

Is it selfish? Is it? I don’t know. If it is I still feel bad. Because it still was partly my fault, but I’m taking it too in on myself.

After all, he did talk about leaving Blackrock sometimes. Maybe that fight that pushed him over the edge was a good thing. Maybe it made everything worse. I don’t know.

He was my best friend. My only friend, and he did so much for me by just being there. I miss him in passing. Perhaps we will never meet again, or I never saw him again. Maybe I did, and I ignored what Blackrock wanted—bringing him in.

It is a never ending state of no closure.

I couldn’t let myself move on because in my mind moving on meant that all was forgiven. I did not forgive myself and I didn’t think Medkit would forgive me either.

Part of me gets genuinely so shocked at seeing other Medkit's kinfessionals, how these Subspaces hurt him so ruthlessly and held no remorse. Like, wow Gav! It's almost like you kin a guy who in canon and perhaps lots of different universes a really awful and bad person! No shit!!

I just hope maybe there's a Medkit out there that doesn't see me as some monster. I hope maybe he looks back on it with that sort of passing thought of, "It was nice when it lasted. I don't think he was a bad demon, though."

I know some of this is repeated but like, man it repeats in my head over and over and over recently. I'll learn to forgive myself in this life, I know I will. It'll just take a bit of processing the whole ordeal.

[ilovehimmore]

I'm low-key hungry bruh 😂

I've been saying bruh too much and using the laughing emoji a lot to establish a platonic atmosphere/mood/relationship

Ehhh but the hunger comes from a erm craving

I'm full, I just ate a plate full of udon

And the milk cheese Tokyo factory cow biscuit thing that I'm realizing is way too sweet wth

But I'm craving something, something more. I feel full, but I don't feel satisfied. I don't feel like eating any more, I can't think of a food that's anything else, but....

Shit, depression! Hmmm!

And I didn't manage to hold back, or rather, I just decided to watch porn again yesterday. And it made me realise, wow, yeah. I really am addicted. This thing has got me in a chokehold. The orgasm wasn't even that good, nothing was satisfying.

More of, nothing is satisfying nowadays. I didn't see the point in watching porn, yet I did.

Because I wanted something exciting.

I fear the only thing now that I really want, that might make me feel that same euphoric excitement as those first few porn videos, is sex.

But I don't want to have sex. Fuck dysphoria and insecurities, fear of STIs and performance anxiety.

But I want something real. Something taboo. Something wrong, something foreign. I want to thread on untrustworthy ground, gravitate around something, somewhere I've never been. Some place I've always imagined-- or at least, let the fear consume me and experience the novelty. Feel the familiar feeling, where if I'd never imagined a place like this before, I must have at least imagined what it would've felt like. And it would feel like this. What an honour, what a dazzling atmosphere. And it's nice to run into you here.

A scenario, a wish, an escape. Grant my wish, please. I wish to run, to hide, to deceive, to control. And it feels so tight and uncomfortably painful right at the center of my chest. Jamface is playing in the background of my head as I type this.

Yeah, it's okay. You don't have to talk to anyone else, fuck your friends. I'll just talk to you, Tumblr, and me, and Happiness. He's surely the one for me. And HY too-+ what a great friend! He's always like a wake up call best friend to me, slapping sense into me whenever I'm in a hazy, blurry situation. His advice is exactly what I need to hear, his point of view is exactly what I need to understand.

Anyways, I had a realization. Boys and girls-- at least from what I've noticed-- have a fundamental difference. Take yee yang for example, or tyron. They had an identical difference, something exactly in common with me, that I failed to realise at the moment. And that was the idea that, "the whole world is against us, but you're with me". This tribe-like recognition, this teamworthy trust, this immediate, blind, naive, affectionate belief. Nothing else matters when it comes to you, when it comes to us. It's us against them, we're always together. So when they encounter a problem, they tell me. They don't hesitate to share screenshots with me whenever they feel uncomfortable with someone who hit on them, and about their other friends, etc. that's the kind of blind sheep trust I'm used to, and I'm equipped with. The familial bond, unbreakable. You first, always. You above everyone else. But for my recent friends, like cherry, everyone is equal. "It's me against the world". So all friends are equal in their eyes, why would you spill one friend's secrets to the other? For me, it's a no-brainer-- if you're closer to me than them, I'd talk about them with you. I respect you more, I trust you more, you're more important to me-- because we're in on this together. But no. To this specific type of people, it's "you wouldn't want me to share your secrets to them, so I wouldn't share their secrets with you" because we're seen as people on that equal level.

Maybe we're just not that close yet, maybe you don't trust me as much as I trust you.

Could be time to re-evaluate this friendship.

But it doesn't change the fact that this experience, these memories, gave me the sudden realization from the comparison between boys and girls. Boys are so blind-trusting, us against the world. And that's what I fick with. But for girls, secretive and scheming, it's me against the world. I have to be careful and keep this to myself.

It makes me feel unimportant. But perhaps it's just the biological difference in emotional maturity, trust levels, and way of communicating.

I don't know, I hate it. I'd want to be your number one if we're close. Yee yang, take me back you bitch. Tyron, I've missed you too. Low-key, waiting for so long, I've learned what you meant when you wanted to just take time off for yourself, cherry. I understand. Still, there were many a times I just wanted to unload a big "fuck you" onto you. I think I'm still carrying the anger. But I try to understand everything, everyone, each and every one of my friends.

Still, no one understands me.

This is really stupid. But I've learnt the perspective, I've learned a lot.

Jamface!

[theboysfromaustin]

September 2, 2011

Gav groaned, trying to get comfortable.  He'd been in pain for several hours, and it was growing more and more intense.  He rolled, pressing his forehead into Kazuo's shoulder, sweat dripping from his skin.

The pain increased dramatically, and he gasped, clutching at his stomach.  “K..k-ka…I-I-I…” Pain shot through him, worse than when he'd had to free a dying dog from concertina wire.  

Involuntarily, he screamed.

Ian and Kazuo were immediately up.  “Gav?!” “Hey, Gav!”  Gav was laid out stiffly, limbs shaking, abdomen tight, “Can't…can't…” Kazuo hit the lights while Ian knelt in bed next to him.  Gav's eyes were glassy, breathing unsteady as he clawed at himself.  “Gav?  Gav, honey?” Ian gently touched his belly and Gav let out a shrill scream.

“Oh, god…Kazuo!  911, now!”

“On it!”

“Gav?  Baby?  We're getting an ambulance for you.” “Uh…ngh…”  He tried to sit up, Ian supporting him.  Gav retched once, twice, and on the third time brought up a thin mess of bile.  He groaned, leaning on Ian, unable to speak.  Kazuo turned, still on the phone, worried.  Ian used the sleeve of his shirt to gently wipe his mouth, “Help is coming.” The redhead slumped against him, tremors running through his body.

“Are they coming?” “Yeah.  I need to stay on the line until…” Kazuo sprinted downstairs as a siren approached, Ian kissing Gav's head.  The paramedics appeared with the gurney, Ian moving away to let them work.  Kazuo clung to him, shaking.  “Sir?  Can you tell us your name?” “G-ga….” He looked to Ian instead.  “Gavin Yorke.  It's his abdomen.”

Gav shrieked again when he was touched, bringing up more bile.  He was hurriedly loaded onto the stretcher and taken down.  “He needs emergency surgery, we're going to St. David's on 32nd.” Ian and Kazuo both went pale.  “Get dressed,” Ian started pulling off his nightclothes, throwing a shirt and pants at him.  

Gav was barely aware of the fact that he was in an ambulance.  All he knew was pain, even with morphine being pumped into his veins.  His eyes flickered back and forth, lost in agony.  His fingers twitched, body slick with sweat, Ian?  Kazuo?  Anders?  Maureen?  And then came a hideous tearing, twisting pain, his body going stiff against the restraints, screaming incoherently until the darkness took him.

Anders jolted awake, looking at the clock- 3:12 AM.  He scratched his chest, answering the phone, “H-h'lo?” “Anders?” Kazuo's voice came through, wavering and unsteady.  “Dad?  What's going on?” A pit formed in Anders’ stomach.  The last time he'd gotten a call like this….  “Is it dad Ian?  Please…” “It's Gav.  Something's going on, he's in so much pain, we had to call an ambulance.  He's having emergency surgery.” “Shit…What can I do?” “Nothing right now…I just…” “Thanks, dad.  I love you.” “I love you, too.”

Maureen rolled over as her phone buzzed, looking at the time - nothing good came at this time of night, “Ian?  Honey, don't tell me…” “I'm sorry, mum, but I'm scared we're gonna lose him…” “Who?” “Gav.  They took him in for emergency surgery…” “What happened?” “He woke up screaming, massive abdominal pain.  We had to call EMS.” Maureen's shoulders slumped, “No…” “I can't lose him.  Can't lose anyone else, not after…”

“I know.  Ian, I know you're lapsed, but…” “Pray for him?” “Yeah…and hug Kazuo, and Anders if he's there.  Let me know if there are any changes.” “Thanks, mum.” Kazuo leaned on him, looking miserable.  Ian let out a quivering sigh, holding him close.  “You wouldn't think someone like him would get sick like this.” “Yeah, he survived on the street, eating old food and living in dirt and rust…” “Ian, he's…” Kazuo swallowed hard, “He's not going to die is he?” 

Ian pulled him in for a tight hug, “No, he can't…he's so young…” Haven't you taken enough from this family, ya bastard?  What sort of god…You can't take him.  He finally found happiness…  His mind went to it being an aggressive cancer, like Shirley.  Shirley, who'd lasted less than a year after diagnosis.  Ian gave a choking sob, holding Kazuo tight, “I…I can't deal with it again…”

Jeremy, who had been dying of cancer, and had been viciously murdered by their former friends…

“No…it better not be…” “Be what?” “Cancer.  Shirley, and Jeremy…” Kazuo stiffened, lower lip quivering, “I hope…” He slumped against Ian, sobbing, Ian bundling him into his lap.  Ian rested his head on Kazuo's, eyes shut.

He prayed.

—--

Gav found himself in a meadow, the grass green and waving in the wind, no clue where he was, “Ian?  Kaz?” He was suddenly swarmed by dogs and cats, animals he recognized because he'd lived with them, and given them names and proper burials.  He knelt, letting them lick and lean on him, “Am I…dead?”

The last thing he remembered was a vicious pain in his gut, and…nothing.

He looked up at the cloudless sky, “I miss my family.” “You're not dead.” “Not for a long, long time.” Jeremy and Shirley stepped forward.  “You won't be here too long,” Shirley gently touched his shoulder.  “You guys are really missed.” “Yeah…I wish things could have been different,” Jeremy sighed, “Though I'm glad Ian got me justice.” “I'm sure they're worried sick…”

“They are,” Shirley admitted, “C'mon, we got some people for you to meet.”  Still trailed by animals, they entered a small hillside grove of trees.  “Gav, these are Ian's parents Abertha and Patrick, and this is Kazuo's mum, Nanami, as well as her parents Kensuke and Yukiko.” Gav perked up, noticing Nanami had a baby in her arms.  

She bounced the baby gently, “That's your big brother Kazuo's boyfriend, Gav.” Gav sat next to them, the baby immediately grabbing his fingers, “What's her name?” “Kazue.” “Hello, little Kazue.”  He remembered when Kazuo had revealed that his mother had been assaulted and miscarried,  “He would have loved you.” Kazue gurgled happily, Gav blinking back tears.  

“You're a lovely young man, our boy is lucky,” Abertha touched his shoulder, “He and Kazuo love you very much.” “Ian's spoken so highly of you.  I don't want him and Kazuo to worry…” “It's okay,” Shirley hugged him tightly, “It's time.” “Time?”

—--

September 5, 2011

Gav's fingers twitched, groaning softly.  His eyelids flickered, finding himself staring at a light, an oxygen mask on his face, one arm covered in an IV.  He groaned, just wanting his family.  Gav sighed, sinking into the bed, aware of a steady throbbing in his abdomen.  He groped for the nurse call button, pressing it.

“Yes?” “Can I see my family?” He was aware that his voice was muffled, and he shivered, trying to pull up his blankets.  Several minutes passed, and he heard rapid footsteps approaching.  Kazuo skidded past the door, lunging inside, followed by Ian.  They both looked pale, dark circles under their eyes.  “What the hell happened to me?” “You…your gallbladder ruptured.” “You're damn lucky to be alive,” Ian took his hand while Kazuo rested his cheek on Gav's.

“Shit.  All I remember is pain before…I guess it was limbo, like you guys talked about.” Ian leaned down to kiss his cheek, “Who was there?” “Dogs, cats, all animals I’d lived with and buried…Shirley and Jeremy…then your parents, Ian, and Kazuo's grandparents and mom, and also…” Gav felt himself tear up looking at Kazuo, “Your little sister was there.  Her name is Kazue.”

Kazuo stared at Gav, shaking, lower lip quivering.  He leaned in, trying to hug Gav without hurting him, “Thank you.  I can grieve her properly now.” “Good man.  Are you hungry?  Well, I guess you can only have clear liquids for now…” “I'll take what I can get.  At least I love Jell-o.” Ian rang the nurse, while Kazuo dragged a chair over so he could properly cuddle Gav.

“Where's Anders?  Maureen?” “Both at work. They'll be over afterwards.” “Alright.  Sprite, chicken broth and lime gelatin, with a cherry popsicle.” “Oh, the variety.” “Sorry, doctor's orders.  Soon as your body can process actual food, we'll get whatever you want - restaurant or otherwise.”

“Deal.  Good incentive for when I'm mobile again.  Um, I haven't looked…” “You still got less scar tissue than me, babe.” “Well, now we all got gnarly scars.” “That's for sure,” Ian pulled up a chair, “And now all three of us have nearly died in horrible ways.” “At this point, I think we’re unkillable,” Kazuo replied, getting up to shove his head under the faucet for a drink. “There are probably cups in here,” Gav shifted in place.  “Cups are dumb.” “Absolutely feral,” Ian kissed Gav’s cheek, “Ah, you got that hospital stank.” “Yeah, I think it’s gonna get worse, hard to wash when my guts are sewn up.” “Kazuo sat down, leaning his wet face on Gav’s shoulder, “We don’t know when they’re gonna let you out, but Ian ordered a big inflatable mattress for the livin room, so you don’t have to do stairs.”

“Thank you.” “Of course.  We want you to heal up as quickly as possible.” “I’ll be glad to get out of here.  First time ever being hospitalized.” “What’s the worst part?” Kazuo grinned. “Knowing how many stitches are in my belly, or the knowledge that I have a catheter.” “Yeah, catheters aren’t fun.” “Yeah, Ian, yo’ve gotta be a nightmare to catheterize due to -” Kazuo chose to shut up and remain clean as Gav’s meal was brought in.  “Thank you,” Gav scrutinized his vast array of clear liquid-approved foods.  “Here,” Ian unwrapped the popsicle, “Before it melts away.” “Thanks, baby.” “Have you decided what you want when you can have real food?” Kazuo used his teeth to pop Gav’s can of Sprite. “Prime rib, rare.  Mashed potatoes, roasted Brussels sprouts and fresh-baked baguette.” “Holy shit, that’s…” “That’s a beautiful menu.  No dessert?” ���Carrot cake.” “There we go.  I’m hungry, but I can’t do hospital food.” “After the accident, I was watching Good Eats and trying to eat some form of poultry.  It didn’t make things better.” “I’m stuck with this, gotta make the guts work again.” “Calories are calories, and they’ll heal ya.” “Thank you for being here with me, I know that none of us have had particularly good experiences with hospitals.” 

“Yeah, well,” Kazuo gently bit his ear, “We gotta stick together, and if that means hanging around a creepy hospital, then well…” “This family doesn’t abandon anyone.  All of us have been abandoned and cast aside by others, and we have to break that cycle, y’know?” “Yeah.  I’m just just…glad this happened with you guys, and not, y’know…” Kazuo shivered, “Shit…” “He’s right.  You are lucky.” “Finally got a family that loves me enough to not let me die,” Gav tried and failed to spear his watery Jell-O. “Just drink it.” Gav picked up the cup, squeezing it into his mouth, “That’s such a weird texture.” “Definitely not the worst thing you’ve eaten.” “Not by far.”

Ian ran his fingers through Gav’s hair, “Getting tangled up.  I’ll bring over a brush, clean you up.” Gav leaned back into his pillow, “Thanks, Ian.  And Kazuo.  And Anders, and Maureen, all of you are wonderful.  I’ll be back to normal as soon as possible.  And I can do my paralegal work while I heal, long as I can scoot around in my chair.” “I won’t push you too hard.” “And I’ll bring in the best food I can scrounge up.” Gav smiled, “You guys are the best…

The best family I could ask for.”

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

THE L GOT YASSIFIED N GHANDI IS AT 14TH ST UNION SQUARE!!!!!!?!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the L stawped being a cunt on the weekendz w it’s fuckin delays n got individual seats that don’t clap back when u sit down ! Altho i am a “clap back “ advocate (Let ur cheekz Speak if they must ) i do wonder why

why is it always so awkward to hit on someone on public transit ?

we sit across each other staring each other down n i wish u were clumsy enough.

to leave a bag or your phone or wallet on the seat so i could say something to you but nothing is scripted here on this island of a city. there are only real moments. and this includes the pain in the people watching cuz sometimes we just end up watching them live their lives so much so in admiration we watch them leave.

I wrote dat ab some rly long white person with a maroon jumpsuit. N i don’t hav the energy to post a misc connection on Queer craigslist /LEX soooooo. Whut eve.

Dis week i hav been severely depressed n isolative besides for the day that the pilgrims decided to say it wuz the day that wuz gonna b ab slaying n giving . i ate sum dead bird n made sure even their bone marrow life mattered n cartilage cuz post veganism n peta rites advocate type beat a life is a mf life . Hoe .

Mi boss at union square Market s@id she saw her nekked neighbur whilst walkin around the duck truck. whut wuld u do if ur nekkid neighbor came to ur place of werk n every1 sais he is a rly nice person but he had a big SSHLONG. Now i kno whut ima wish 4 on my wishlist. No this isn’t 4 other bitchez . Nor is it for sshlong reveal. I wish some1 wuld notice meh as the nekkid neighbur at the union Square holidey market.

I whuhz almost in luv w a gurl who luved big patty wattyz n raised awareness for autism via tiK tok last yr n also i hate lex now!!!!!!!!!!! 2 many ppl wanting to give out their used sheets n Service tops who dont wanna Host . But i do thoroughly enjoy when Ppl wanna give their free concert tickets out . So lex gonna b the new ticketmaster to me but anarchist - community fridge version Without the food . Smfh . Y it gotta take watching perks of being a wallflower to realize we regret picking the boy w the eyebrow piercing when we culdve picked the 1 who got hit by a car butt still ended up pullin up to bossa limpin .

Im in luv with club E n gave them my tiara cuz they r a tucking princess and cuz their music reminds meh of myspace era sheit. Also they name is ren like me TWOOOOOO. twinnem:-] <3

As car seat headrest sayz in its only seggs i think bc of his demisexual cusp of asexual self .

“

OK, so I've been reading all the sex blogs

And they all talk about how OK it is to be gay

And straight and bisexual and asexual

And have sex however you like

But I don't care about hundreds of hypothetical people

And their hypothetical sex deals

I care about me, and my sex deal!

What about my problems?

Baby, my body

Constantly betrays me

I try to betray it

I only hurt myself

Yeah, yeah

I can't tell you if I like it, I like it

What happens if I don't like it? I like it

I can't tell you if I like it, I like it

What happens if I don't like it? It's only-

It's only sex

It's only

It's only sex

C'mon, sexual desire, speak! “

My brain is too fried from vyvanze dependence to decipher n explain it all right meow . I jus kno i luv those lyrics n i luv when post club - post party we all come back to mi lil floor mattress in mi tiny room n we kuddle puddle!!!!!!

Saw a Zyn nicotine ad omw to my lobotomy apt at callen lourde this mornin n i miss the dude who gav tht to meh while me werkin this japanese restaurant once n holy sheit i wuz shaking n shitting n crying my entire shift . I miss werking there cuz i made $400 a shift n lowkey I could get any vacation hours i wanted. Now im like a finance bro who goes to reggae bars in the city N gets pussy on hinge . v_v RIP!!!!!

i havnt been to saint vitus penus yet but thts Ok cuz i heard someone saw pee pee juice n eyeball juice on the bathroom mirror once n ill just stick to duffz if i wanna find a punk goth giorl to destroy my Third hole . Im crying a lot these days super fragile as well as today being a significant date for me N i missh ketamine so damn much butt i refuse to sniff anymore cuz i nvr kno how to dose w the diff german strainz n i always get sickie or khole n see myself on a train n being someone’s mutha . Weird!!!!!!!!!!’

Idek if i givin up on life or life givin up on meh but im just mf done . N i kno dis cuz im in my candle era yall . Where i lie n say i’m “running errands “ but sniffin diff candles at target n burglington ALONE . all dis for some mf seratonin biotch ????!!!????? Alsoo last randomo thot but i luv one of my good friendz from nyu n they were ganged up on bc of some DUMB RUMORS n i gots to say i kant stand a fucking bully or ppl who kant extend grace to others cuz it just feels v cliquey n stupid . Lik if we rly gonna believ rumors n gossip n not see someone’s character or try to understand i don’t see how ppl can b ok wit the ppl they hav to be with when they r alone with themselvez at nite . We r constantly evolving and it’s wrong to hold things against people esp in this age and this goes for me as well. I hope to receive the grace and love and empathy that I extend .

Soooooo many more fuckin thots n ramblingz like how i wish there was a poll i could start somewhere outside of instagram ab who wuld fuck G Eazy post halsey (Cmon , “tumblr girls”was an AMAZING song!!!!!!) N how much i luv egg by the garden but. Til nxt wk Babez.

Xx , ketaminechic NOT CHICK who doesn’t do ketamine anymore but kant put the energy into changing it then changing it on all platforms cuz omfGGGGGGGggg who cares that deeply ab this social media Bullsheit anywayzzz , Renny baby <3 :-] visit me at union square market Booth c20til Xmas eve !!!

[fuckinganderson]

Chlo, honestly, youre also a far better person than you gve yourself credit for. if youre gonna make me say it, you have to, too

am yeah, like. Gavin is shit but he isn’t all shit - and it sucks for me to say it, but I’ve worked w the shitbag for a while, and he’s a cop with some big fuckin issues that do sometimes interfere with his resolve rate

but also if you need somebody whos gonna just sink their teeth into a cold case until it gives, well, we give those to gav for a reason. He ain’t all bad. He’s just. he is what he is

the thing is NONE of this speaks to his capacity as a friend or potentially romantic partner and I think that’s real fuckin hard to explain to somebody who is still workin on the “be human” thing and caught all the feelings with none of the warning signs

poor fuckin kid.

D’s shit really is less about what Gavin is and is more about his own place and feelings about this world and I fuckin hate that there ain’t much I can do for that except supply blankets, dog, couch, and retro movies from the 90s

@fuckinganderson

Thank you.

[ghorou]

HQ BOYS AS ROMANCE TROPES

INCLUDES -> kuroo t.; iwaizumi h.; miya o.; sakusa k.

WARNINGS -> it's all fluff, some swearing

NOTES -> first fic now that i'm back on tumblr and i figured i'd start off the year w this :] rbs are much appreciated <3

KUROO — 100% the guy who spills coffee all over you in the middle of the cafe you’re at. granted, it’s not piping hot so things could certainly be worse, but he’s left scrambling and trying to apologize to the really attractive person in front of him and you’re trying to figure out how to get this dork’s number without being weird about it.

“i am so, /so/ sorry-“ the man in front of you was grabbing napkins from the nearest dispenser and shoving them into your hands, clearly in a panic.

“it’s fine,” you give him your best reassuring smile, not that it seemed to do much to calm his nerves, but he just urged you again to grab the shitty cafe napkins from him.

and it was then that he really seemed to look you in the eye and take in what you were wearing. it wasn’t necessarily formal, but you certainly looked like you were going somewhere. your sleeves were rolled up your forearms and shirt tucked neatly into your pants. if you had payed closer attention to him, you might’ve noticed the way his eyes caught on your hands or your weak attempt at reassuring him with a smile.

“shit, you’re probably going somewhere too,” he shucked off his bag and rooted around for something in it without waiting for you to answer.

“don’t worry about it, i don’t have to be there until-“ you were cut off by him pushing a sweater towards you with a blush on his cheeks that you hadn’t noticed before.

“take it,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “so that i can feel a little less guilty over spilling total coffee on a hot stranger-“ you felt your face heat up at his words and his face went bright red as soon as his mind caught up to his mouth. “i meant hot coffee on a total stranger!”

you laughed as he tried to rectify his blunder and took the sweater from him, pulling it towards your chest and bringing your hand to your face to stop yourself from laughing. he paused for a minute and grinned at you, ears still tinged pink, before he laughed along with you.

it took a moment, but you finally found your words again and said, “why don’t you make it up to me by giving me your number, mr. hot coffee?” now it was your turn to wait for your mind to catch up to your mouth. “so i can give you the sweater back, i mean,” you amended.

“well, i owe us both a coffee,” he looked down at his partially empty cup and back up to your stained shirt, “and i probably owe you a new shirt.” he grabbed another one of the awful cafe napkins and searched for a pen in his bag to scribble something on the napkin.

he passed it off to you and checked his watch, muttering something about being late. “sorry again for your shirt!” he waved a goodbye as he walked out of the cafe, leaving you with his number (along with a smily face) and a racing heart.

IWAIZUMI — he’s the guy that every parent likes, no matter who they are, and thus makes a great contender for a fake date. he lets you lead him around the event and introduce him as hajime rather than iwaizumi, but he’s more worried about the butterflies in his stomach than how well the lie will hold up.

“are you sure this is a good idea?” he fiddled with the end of his tie, looking for something to do with his hands.

“of course it is,” you muttered, swatting his hands away from his tie and readjusting it,

“i needed a date, and you’re the perfect candidate.” your hand reached for his and he reveled in the heat of your palm. “and besides, we’ve known each other for long enough to pull this off. we got this.” you looked to him and grinned a wide, toothy smile, one that he couldn’t help but return.

his nerves were gradually getting worse, though, as you both approached your family’s house. he was really doing this, really playing the part of a boyfriend, a part that he was not used to playing with you.

you gave his hand a reassuring squeeze as you both walked into the event, your parents walking up to the both of you almost immediately. and as much has iwaizumi wanted to pay attention to the conversation with your parents—even though you seemed to have in handled—he couldn’t stop thinking about the comforting warmth of your hand in his.

“-isn’t that right, hajime?” you looked to him expectantly, and he nodded, trying not to let the warmth on his face betray him.

OSAMU — listen, alright? enemies/rivals to lovers. it just makes sense in my mind. maybe you run a local cafe that seems to be getting more customers than his onigiri place and he’s a little iffy about it, not that he’d ever admit to that.

“morning, miya!” you shouted from across the street, waving at osamu with a grin on your face, and he had to suppress the urge to return the greeting with a smile of his own.

he did, however, give you a curt nod and rush into the shop as quickly as he could. it wasn’t fair, he thought, that you could gain that many customers within just a few months of opening and also have such a pretty smile. there was probably something that connected the two, but he knew that if he thought about it for longer, he’d never get any work done.

so he pushed any thought of you to the back of his mind for the rest of the day. and it worked until atsumu walked in at his usual hour. there was another voice alongside his that he wasn’t used to hearing, and after a short moment he realized it was you.

atsumu was laughing with you about something. the gall. you hung back by the door for a brief moment while atsumu went up to order his usual (with an extra serving for you).

“really?” osamu raised an eyebrow at his twin. “you’re getting onigiri for my rival?” he realized how stupid that sounded after saying it, but it was true. you were right across the street, and that made you a rival of his. regardless of that, he turned around to get the order prepared for the both of you.

“relax, it’s not like they’ll steal yer recipes, ‘samu.”

“yeah, ‘samu, relax.” he whipped his head around and saw the shit eating grin you had on your face. “it’s not like i even sell onigiri.” you looked down at your hands, the grin from before turning into a softer smile, “besides, i’ve wanted to meet the competition for a while now. aside from the fact that he avoided me like the plague,” atsumu snickered at that and osamu shot him a look that hopefully told him to shut up, “he seemed pretty nice.”

SAKUSA — childhood friends to lovers for sure. there’s no way this guy would date someone he doesn’t trust, and his childhood best friend is the best bet for that.

he was never totally sure when you two got as close as you were. it was like, all of a sudden, the two of you went from teasing banter to being able to hold hands and rest on each other’s shoulders during the movie nights that had somehow become a small tradition. it was strange—not bad, but certainly strange.

“what’s gotten in that pretty head of yours, omi?” he frowned, realizing that the two of you had gotten far more familiar than he had really wanted to admit. your head was in his lap and your hands were playing with his, your fingers drawing random patterns across his skin like it was totally normal. when did it become so normal? so instead of voicing that, he just hummed like it’ll answer your question.

“c’mon,” you sat up and he nearly tugged you back towards him before he thought better of it, “you have that look on your face that you used to have when something was bothering you, so let up.”

“it’s nothing.” you raised an eyebrow at him, knowing that if it really was nothing then he would have said something.

“then spill.”

“no.”

“something’s up and i’ve known you for long enough to know that ‘nothing’ is a lie, so spill it.” you cross your arms and stare him down.

curse you and your frown.

“fine.” he pulled one of his hands away from yours, silently mourning the loss. “when did this happen?” he gestured vaguely as if you were a mind reader.

“well, i’ve had an apartment for a while now, omi-”

“no, i mean the movie nights, the dinners,” he lifted his hand that was still holding onto yours, “this. when did this happen?”

your frown deepens and he can’t help but regret his choice of words. “shit, sorry. i think- i think i misunderstood something.” the warmth at his side, along with your hand in his, vanished. “god, i’m such an idiot.” you laughed and ran a hand down your face.

“why’re you sorry?” his eyebrows knit together, trying to figure out what you were saying.

“cause i made an assumption that i shouldn’t have about our relationship and it wasn’t fair of me to push that onto you. so i’m sorry.”

“oh.” that was when he started chuckling to himself, and when he met your eyes all he said was, “then we both must be idiots.” you gave him a quizzical look, not entirely understanding what he meant. so he reached out for your hand and smiled softly when you held onto it again tentatively.