enigmaris

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Tumblr should have a global tab

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chatgpt is literally satan's tool to take away agency and I'm so serious

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I screamed but they are correct

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you lost yourself to the woke agenda. Stop being a trans man and go back to a cis man

I don't know what to add in response to this ask it's perfect on it's own. I don't want to soil it

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God could you imagine how mad geologists must have been to slowly watch the "hey all the continents kinda fit like puzzle pieces :)" guy get proven right

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INTERESTING THINGS HAPPENING ON TWITTER RIGHT NOW

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i cant believe this

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>"ugh why dont these people speak proper english" >looks inside >its scots

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I love uninstalling shit. Get out of my computer.

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Bringing my wife a bouquet of flowers every time I see her in the sky because she deserves the world

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conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 2 (masterpost here)

*Damian and Jason, four hours into a stakeout*

Damian: Jay, hand me the mango pieces.

Jason: *plastic crinkling* ayyy, I’m Jason again!

Damian: *snorts*

Jason: what was with that, by the way? I just showed up in Gotham and found you referring to everyone like they’re your professor. Like, that’s not a ‘you’ thing, I don’t know why you started doing that.

*audible chewing noises*

Damian: do you want the genuine honest answer?

Jason: please god do tell

Damian: so- and you aren’t allowed to laugh. but when I first came to Gotham and I showed up at the manor, father obviously had to give me a tour of the place, right?

Jason: yeah.

Damian: and they wanted to do a DNA test to check that my mother wasn’t pulling a fast one by claiming my birthright, so the first place he showed me was the cave, which was also where Tim was.

Jason: *hums*

Damian: and you know that place- the first time you went to the cave, it was wild, right?

Jason: oh, like walking into the tardis for the first time. insane.

Damian: exactly. all high-tech and shit, and I’d just come from the desert compound I’d spent my entire life in- like, my first time going into the kitchen at the manor I saw Alfred loading the dishwasher and my first thought was ‘oh my god what the fuck kind of machine is that-‘

Jason: *abrupt cackle*

Damian: -so the fucking cave for the first time? as a little desert-boy ten year old? I was a little distracted,

Jason, chuckling slightly: ok, fair,

Damian: and so I’m zoned the fuck out, looking around this cave and not paying attention to anything father’s saying, and then I finally tune back in just to hear the words ‘-ackson drake’ while he like, tries to introduce me to Tim.

Jason: *slowly starts laughing again*

Damian, raising his voice to be heard over Jason’s increasing beats of laughter: -and so I’m fucking standing there, ten years old, no clue what this kid’s first name is, and everybody’s looking at me like I’m supposed to be the one fucking talking right now, and ALL I can think of is my mother, who before she shipped me off to Gotham completely alone kept fucking telling me ‘Damian you have to be strong and show that you deserve to be the Batman’s blood son. show no weakness and take the mantle you were born to have; show no fucking hesitance.’, so I’M panicking,

Jason, still cackling: *a clap* NO I DO- I DO REMEMBER, LIKE, BACK IN THE LEAGUE-, holy shit back in the league when your only coping mechanism for not knowing the fuck was going on around you, was literally just to pretend you knew what the fuck was going on around you and bullshit till you make it,

Damian: WELL IT WAS LIKE THE ONLY FUCKING THING MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME-

Jason, through tears: -that’s why I didn’t say shit when I came back to Gotham and found you fucking, doing all this blood son bullshit! You started calling me Todd and speaking in old english and I was just like ‘bless him he’s terrified, just leave him be’

Damian: *cackles* and I did- I did appreciate you going along with it, because back when this happened I panicked and just started calling Tim ‘Drake’ because I was too embarrassed to ask him for his first name, and then by the time I heard somebody else call him Tim in passing, everybody had just assumed this was a thing I did. and I was too socially awkward to clear it up and switch back, so I just had to stick to Drake.

Jason: *wheeze* a-and Grayson?

Damian: well at first I just went along with the surname thing out of awkwardness, but then I’d gone too deep and I had no way out- AND THEN- and then Batman fucking died-

Jason: *wheeze*

Damian: -and I went from being parented by the gymnastics version of the dark lord to being gentle-parented by fucking Nightwing-

Jason, choking: holy- holy shit-

Damian: do you know what it’s like to go from *gruff voice* ‘Damian we don’t fucking kill, give me the katana or I’ll put you in Arkham’ to *high pitched, sweet voice* ‘oh hey Dames, obviously I can’t stop you from killing but I really would appreciate it if we discussed all our options and came to a mature decision together on what’s best in this scenario-‘

Jason: *crying, silent wheezes*

Damian: so DURING all this I’m trying to subtly switch back to using peoples actual names, except it fucking backfired because people just assumed I was calling Richard Richard because we had that special parental mentor bond, and Tim had pissed off to- whatever he was doing in the desert for six months- getting a hysterectomy or whatever the fuck happened-

Jason, amused: hysterectomy- he lost a spleen, Dames

Damian: well whatever happened he wasn’t AROUND for me to shift to calling him Tim! and when father was back I’d made no progress and was back to square one, except this time I was stuck calling one brother Richard and the other Drake!

Jason, still laughing: and this is where I came in?

Damian: I felt BAD! I’d already taken Robin from the guy, I didn’t want him to feel like he was lesser of a brother to me than Richard. So I demoted you to Todd so he wouldn’t feel alone.

Jason: very thoughtful.

Jason: we should probably get you a therapist, dude. I think everybody forgets that when you showed up you were literally just a very confused immigrant child with no experience of normal social interaction apart from me at the league.

Damian: oh I was like, 60% into an anxiety attack consistently for the first two years I was in the city.

Jason: *snorts*

Damian: the first time I was left alone with Tim we were in the kitchen and he said ‘do you want wifi?’ and, y’no, coming from the league, barely any tech and the only normality was the concept of fighting to the death over everything, MY instinctual ten-year-old thought was ‘oh shit, wifi must be slang for brawl here, we’re about to fight’-

Jason: *laughter* you’re fucking kidding

Damian: -so I’m like, so be it, and I say ‘come on then’ and get ready to start punching, only for him to turn around and grab a piece of card stuck to the fridge and hold it out to me,

Jason: *cackles*

Damian: and he goes ‘here’s the password so you can connect, I’m assuming you have a phone or something’-which I fucking didn’t by the way, my mother gave me a shitty flip-phone to call her in emergencies but it didn’t use wifi-, and he’s holding it out to me and I had to like, subtly shift my posture out of the defensive position I’d been in-,

Jason, delirious from laughter: this is the fucking best. thing.

Damian: -and I take it from him, and he gives me this weird look like he has no idea how to communicate with me, and I was just like ‘shit I might have to kill this one, it’s the only way to get out of this interaction’.

Jason: *wheeze* if we go through the timeline, every murder attempt on Tim’s life has just been an occasion where you’ve felt socially awkward and didn’t see any other way out of conversation,

Damian: pretty much, yeah. I should have been on xanax for those first few years.

Jason: stories from your first years in Gotham are my favourite thing in the world.

*a few silent beats*

Tim: are you telling me I’ve been stuck as Drake for YEARS all because Damian’s fucking scared of social interaction?!

*crashing sound*

Jason: HOLY FUCK-

Damian: OH MY GOD I FORGOT WE WERE CONNECTED TO THE MAIN LINE-

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“Take year 3 student Emma Glenfield, who started with a simple question about magpies and wound up conducting some cutting-edge research almost by accident."

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conversations overheard on the batkid com lines pt 13 (masterpost here)

Tim: guys, Batman is pissing me off tonight. i need revenge ideas, go.

Bruce: i am on this line- i'm literally standing right next to you, Red Robin.

Dick: shut up B, we're brain storming here.

Damian: you could hack the Batmobile's radio to only play that ad jingle that he hates so much.

Bruce: Robin?!

Tim: this is good, this is good,

Dick: just do what Hood used to do and write revenge porn.

Tim: sorry, Hood used to what now?!

Bruce: Oracle, kick Nightwing from this line.

Oracle: not a chance, please elaborate Nightwing.

Dick, giggling: yeah, he used to- O, get Hood in this call, he loves talking about this it's hysterical.

*ping*

Jason: -tell me where the site is or you'll be jerking off with a fucking prosthetic for the rest of your life, asshole, now- *distant scared whimpers* -TELL ME!

Tim, sweetly: hiya Hood~

Jason: the fu- what- *thump* ...when'd i join this line? why am i here?

Dick: i requested it, i want a Red Hood story-time.

Bruce, firmly: no.

Damian and Tim, simultaneously: yes!

Jason: eh?

Dick: they want to know about the revenge porn you did on B back when you were in Gotham Academy.

Bruce: NO.

Jason: OH- *wheezes*

distant unknown male voice, barely heard through Jason's laughter: c-can i- can i go...?

Jason: *cough* AHA- y-yeah man, fuckin- HA- *wheeze* go for it, i'll track you down later, *cackling*

Dick: this was the story that made me start liking Hood as a little brother, by the way.

Jason: so- *wheeze* so B really pissed me off this one time when i was Robin, i can't even remember why,

Dick: he grounded you for calling Mr Freeze a 'cunt' in front of a group of pre-schoolers you were rescuing.

Jason: OH YEAH-! and part of the grounding was that he forced me to take part in the theatre department bullshit going on down at the school for like, community service, where a bunch of kids in my class were writing an original musical to put on for the end of year show. i was pretty good at english lit, so when my teacher heard i had to join she put me on the writers squad or whatever and pretty much told us to have at it.

Jason: except i was really pissed off at B at the time, so i convinced everybody that the musical should be about Gotham's own Batman, and then i decided to add in Superman and make him Batman's gay love interest.

Damian: oh my god

Dick: *wheezing* it- it was so fucking cool-

Tim: holy- IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL?!

Jason: *cackle* *high pitched* yeah- that's not- that's not even- dude it gets so much worse-

Bruce: it was not funny.

Dick, crying: god it so was...

Jason: AND I MADE THAT SHIT- I MADE IT SO EMOTIONAL, TOO-

Dick: YOU REALLY DID- LIKE IT WAS GOOD, THAT WAS THE THING,

Tim: *laughing*

Damian: please tell me you have a copy of the script, Hood

Jason: annotated and signed, i'll drop it round the cave later

Damian: i love you.

Tim: *laughing harder*

Dick: even better, i still have the fuckin' video,

Tim: THERES A VIDEO?!

Bruce: *disgruntled groan*

Jason: holy shit- dude you still have it?! I LOST MY COPY WHEN I DIED!

Dick: oh Jay, i would not have deleted that video if it saved you from the fucking Joker.

Bruce, scandalised: NIGHTWING.

Jason: NO- NO, AS HE FUCKING SHOULD B, I SENT IT TO HIM TO KEEP SAFE, AS HE FUCKING SHOULD-

Damian: is the video of the whole play?

Dick: well kind of? but littlewing, littlewing's a fucking genius so he- *wheeze*

Jason: i didn't want to act in the actual musical, so they put me on stagehand shit and i ended up in charge of the official school's video production, and i just- *laughter* i just fuckin'- i fuckin filmed B's reaction in the audience for like- *wheeze* the whole fucking play-

Dick: THE BEST PART- best part was B 100% got sucked into the story,

Bruce: I DID NOT.

Jason: YOU CRIED DURING THE ENDING KISS.

Dick: *bursts out laughing*

Tim: SORRY-?!

Damian: Nightwing i want that video.

Dick: *still laughing*

Jason: to this day, best thing i ever did as a child. i don't care about my legacy as Robin, i'm just happy i got to produce such a masterpiece. i should write a sequel-,

Tim: PLEASE,

Bruce: ok that's it,

Tim: B, what are you-

*ping*

Dick: what'd- what-

Oracle: Batman, you can't kick Red Hood from the line.

Bruce: WELL YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING-!

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