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koqabear · 11 months ago

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hiii, your works are absolutely amazing, esp only you darling, i had literally had chills when i read it, it was so fucking terrifying in the best way possible. i know you spoke about your thought process when writing longer fics, but i wanted to ask how you nail characters and emotions so perfectly. i'm trying to write a thriller/horror fic right now, and you just write the genre so well, i had to ask. how do you show characterization so well? i'm sorry if this doesnt make sense lol 😭

AHHHH OMG THANK YOU SM 😭😭 this was a little hard for me to explain bc honestly i don't even know how i do it myself... i tried rlly hard to break down little things i like to do under the cut, i hope this helps!!

(note. i literally tried so hard to explain this as thoroughly and clearly as i could that i drafted it and FORGOT ABOUT IT. i know its late but i hope you're still able to find a bit of use from this.)

so first, whenever i think of a character, i try to flesh out a few things: what is their role in the story, what kind of dynamic do i want them to have with other characters, and what kind of person do i want them to be/be perceived as overall?

*something that i'd like to point out is the importance that inner dialouge/thoughts vs. the behavior and spoken dialogue can have on characterization. it really helps establish a character as a good or bad person and can make them more dimensional (ex: having a scene where yeonjun comforts mc over a breakup but is only thinking about how happy he is to have her to himself now)

the two most complex and important characters in OYD are beomjun, ofc; when writing them, the very first thing that came with their character was their roles: yeonjun was the best friend, beomgyu was the stranger and eventually, catalyst to every bad event 😭 yeonjun is the best friend who is pining hopelessly after the mc and has a false moral compass-- he's protective over the mc and keeps a tense relationship with beomgyu; just a tad bit afraid of what the other is willing to do, but still willing to go along with it bc of his obsession. beomgyu is made out to be the charismatic stranger that the mc just can't help but get close to; he has a very manipulative relationship with both the mc and yeonjun, and he's used as a device to move the story along, if that makes sense.

so with yeonjun, i made him out to be very sweet and doting over the mc; scolding her for letting gyu fix her laptop, feeling bad for lying to her, caring for her while she's sick, comforting her after her n jaemin broke up. i also added how close they were by adding small details like the fact that they've been friends for a long time, enough for yj to know the mc's family, and for them to be able to be touchy and clingy. i did all that to show that yj really cared for the mc and that his feelings for her were genuine; by building a background and adding small scenes like the one where they got caught in the storm and the mc has clothes for yj to change into, their close relationship was made believable.

but alsoooo, i wanted to show that yeonjun was very possessive and borderline (straight up) obsessed with the mc-- constantly being around her, scolding her for small careless mistakes, getting jealous when seeing her around other men and following her during a date; all things that eventually escalated bit by bit-- but still blended in with his innocent, cute moments, so that it showed a struggle between his two sides-- until it was finally revealed that he's had thoughts of tracking the mc long before gyu even suggested it; after showing that and letting him indulge in those dark desires, i allowed myself to write about yeonjun's descent into the side he was desperately trying to get away from; that toxic, possessive side that allowed gyu to hack into her computer for him to watch.

and ofc, once he descended into that side, there was no going back. i still kept that lovey persona yeonjun had in the beginning, but i also emphasized his possessiveness until ultimately, it became unhealthy and yeonjun became mentally unstable.

nowwwww, onto beomgyu! the thing about him was that he was an entire stranger to the mc, so first impressions were crucial. he's a very strong and complicated character that had his motives exposed almost right away. going back to my note* back at the top, i used the contrast between his actions and thoughts to really sell the whole "manipulation" thing-- because that's what manipulation is, essentially: controlling and misleading someone by acting and saying whatever is necessary.

so! we have his motives-- to get closer with the mc-- and his methods-- stalking, cameras, etc.-- so now we just blend this in with one final thing: how will he be perceived? how is he actually?

on the outside, he's a quiet, charming, nonchalant person, and the mc's shyness and attraction to him helps aid that idea-- but that's how he's perceived to the mc at least! the way he acts around yeonjun is the same, but with that added layer of him constantly pressuring and threatening him. (but subtly, which gives him the benefit of the doubt) by adding scenes where he plants ideas into yeonjun's mind and making it seem like it was the other's idea (like the tracker on the mc's phone, or him hacking into her computer for yj) or moments where he's acting all coy and charming with the mc (teasing her for calling him "gyu", the scene at the garden or wtv), it helps to really convince the audience that hey, this bitch has layers! and is kinda crazy...

but again, there's how he's perceived and what he's really like-- and that's a manipulative psychopath. so once he reached his motive, aka killed soobin and successfully took the mc to the cabin, i let his true colors show, but still kept that charming and intimidating personality around, just to keep it consistent. like, he's super doting and helps the mc recover, but in the end takes advantage of her vulnerability to establish a closer relationship-- he was the most eager to get to her no matter what, so he was the first to make an advance toward her (kissing her immediately after they arrived at the cabin)

in summary, here's what's really important to think of when wanting to characterize a character properly:

-how should this person be perceived? how are they actually?

-how do they interact with other characters? do they have different sides they show? how do they talk and act around certain people?

-what are their motives? what will they do to accomplish them?

remember that "filler" scenes are your best friend when wanting to really flesh out a character; it allows you to show the audience what they're like in even the most mundane situations, lets them see growth happen naturally and in a well paced manner, and makes them seem more real (ex. again, the rain scene with yj and mc!)

pleaaaaase let me know if you have any more questions!!!! i'd love to answer them, and ofc lmk if you need me to clear something up! i wish you sooo much luck with your story! (or any future ones) this genre seriously isnt for the weak.

#i realize i didn't touch much on the emotion part now #so if you'd like me to make another post about /that/#i'd be more than happy to #i really hope this helps!!!!#and makes sense...#fic: only you darling #rambles #koqabear asks #[𓆩⟡𓆪] — sol's writing tips !

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ad-hawkeye · 2 years ago

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hello, star anon here! life was kind and gave me a bit of a break so i finally finished my wip. i'm not apparently allowed to embed any links in the ask box, but it's up on ao3 with the title, "How Long Will I Love You? As Long as Stars are Above You (Longer if I Can)". i tried very hard to capture the game's style and artem's manner of speaking, but i deviated a bit from the former. still, i hope all the artem stans enjoy 😅 -🌟

HI. HI. HI. HELLO, HI! AAAAA THIS LITERALLY MADE MY FRIDAY NIGHT I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. OOOOH MY GOD OKAY, i am so sorry for being a day or so late, i purposely set this fic aside as a selfish reward for when i was off work and could get a nice drink to read it with and holy SHIT am i getting this whole thing tattooed to my forehead HAHAH

i am not exaggerating in the slightest when i say this fic literally made me feel Lighter. i also had to comment on all of it (that is all below i have so many thoughts and love and only good things to say) and i will be dropping a comment on ao3 itself very soon hehe

for anyone interested, the fic is here! it's a rewrite of artem's second anniversary card + eventual proposal! full recommendation to any artem stan out there. READ THIS! NOW!

without further ado... my screaming.

the bouquet toss is hilariously adorable i LOVE it!!! celestine fucking BOOKING that thing at him HAHAH

im insanely impressed at how well this fic manages to take what was in the second anniversary card (celestine talking to mc about marriage, the toss, the ride home in the taxi, etc) and just. wow. improve it. i feel like this is such a breath of fresh air

mc saying she wants to wait until she at least passes her exam and avoid claims of nepotism, yes ma’am!!!!!!!!!!! this would be such a dream scenario if it happened in tot omg. the reason why artem’s second bday card was a liiittle disappointing to me was because they brought up the issue of possible rumors and scandals with their relationship. and then just. never resolve it. then have them get ENGAGED a card later!! i wish hoyo wasn’t afraid to address this, your fic is the perf solution imo and another reason why i wished we got a later artemrosa proposal

THE MENTION OF MC NOT BEING READY TO HAVE DINNER WITH ARTEM’S PARENTS AHAHA OMG I LOVE IT!! deliciously petty in calling out the contradictory writing in artem's cards bless you for that

MENTION OF NEIL. oh my GOD i feel like 90% of artem’s cards just forget about this man’s existence and it’s a shame! you did him justice!!! i want him to talk to mc again and see all that’s happened ;_;

THE BAD GUY DUH JOKE REFERENCE SHUT UP HAHAHA personal story 3 was literally artem at his most iconic and i MEAN this

about time…. im gonna sob, like literally. dude this fic is literally healing me as i read it, it’s like a love letter to all of artem’s cards, stories, and events. and . AA

THEM JOKING ABOUT THE AMUSEMENT PARK MAKE OUT SESSION PLEASE THAT’S SO FUNNY

the whole conversation with celestine and artem about proposing is my favorite thing ever. in the second anni card, i thought artem was so oddly cold to her (which goes against previous cards and reads like someone seeing artem’s ‘stop teasing me now’ act back in the early timeline as genuinely mean disinterest????) so this is like. healing. crops watered. “thank you for being my friend” is going to make me sob holy shit.

random but i adore the idea of artem w a therapist. he seems like a guy who’d benefit from that. i say this with love.

HELP HIM TALKING TO HIS FISH. FAV

god the scene with his mother :(((( AAAA the apology and and and and ;_;

keeping the one good thing from the second anniversary card: artem avoiding mc's gaze for weeks before proposing. excellent. thank you

gasp. THE ORCHARD. YOU GENIUS. HOW DID I NOT EVEN THINK OF THAT. THEY NEVER DID RETURN TO THE ORCHARD IN CANON DID THEY.

god this proposal got me sniffling.. the about time reference… the mention of being partners….. dude i’m gonna sob ;_; literally this is the timeline i wish we got, im just gonna be on hardcore copium and accept this as my canon proposal. okay? okay.

PRACTICE FOR SIGNING THE MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE MC YES

mc yanking artem too hard and him yelping is making me shit that’s the funniest thing i’ve read all week LMAO

HELP THE LIFTING BEING LEARNED FROM AN ONLINE ARTICLE. YOU GET IT!!! YOU UNDERSTAND HIM!!

oh my gosh this whole end section is so wehhh ;_;;;; sweet and in character and with just the right amount of steam and ambiguity! ;p

CELESTINE GIVING THEM BOTH OFF HAHAHA THE PERFECT END

oh my god ok. if this didn't let you know how much i thoroughly enjoyed myself, let me state it here now. thank you SO much for linking this to me!!! oh my god i feel so free?????? EVERYONE READ THIS NOW

#tears of themis #artem wing #adding these tags so everyone sees this and goes to read it im being entirely serious #brb gonna stare at this and dream of what could have been for the next week #asks #anon

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kaelio · 1 year ago

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slightly longer cactus chat about what might be our favorite watering hole for anne rice discussion (the end of TVA)

kaelio: well there is a little clip going around that reveals the only thing she said she KNEW going into TVA was the benji and sybelle bit

And I'm like GIrL WHaT

----that---- what is the part you were set on and had planned out?????

thecactifindahome: Lmao that is fucking iconic. Insane but iconic.

kaelio: I sincerely appreciate the number of curveballs. Again, finding out that she had siblings was genuinely shocking.

thecactifindahome: I'm sorry that's so fucking funny I'm cracking up

kaelio: It's hysterical tbh

I had assumed that the book was too sad, and she decided that it needed some positivity or something!!!

thecactifindahome: I would never have guessed that in a thousand years, I thought she was like, hmm how to walk back the suicide thing and came up with a bonkers fix

kaelio: not "he Must meet a precocious child and an overly saccharine 25-something blonde lady in a cliche soap opera situation"

"BUT I can add some S&M on the way in"

I. KNOW!!!!!

"i've got a vision in my mind, but it's going to take at least two hand jobs to get there"

thecactifindahome: What a fool I was. Of course she was like "Human pets are the key to this guy, who should have wacky hijinks with them, now I have to come up with something to say about Armand that isn't cute, hmm 🤔"

kaelio: Thank you!!! When I heard that I was like

NO WAY

thecactifindahome: "You know what would ease this tonal transition? Hallucinatory visions of like, eggs and the Eucharist and his parents. Perfect."

thecactifindahome: God, that horse had some fucking WORK pushing that cart

kaelio: And???? I guess???? That's why it works out???? Still one of the most incomprehensible decisions in the entire canon. to me.

kaelio: Literally in blood communion like benji is the equivalent of the puppy that keeps an elderly person from dying from grief when their last friend at the hair salon finally kicks it. Oh master master don't go master, benji still needs kibble every morning 🥺

-Anne Rice: see, nailed it. this was a great idea I executed perfectly

thecactifindahome: Omg fgdshhk that is literally exactly it

kaelio: The absolute audacity tbh

kaelio: because yeah my impression had been VERY much the same "ehhh let's actually take a swing here and end this differently." it's like writing happy days by starting with wanting to have a guy waterski over a shark

thecactifindahome: Like, I always did love that it was such a bizarre left turn out of fucking nowhere, but knowing that that was supposed to be the main story...!

kaelio: The icing on the cake is that the very opening of that sequence doesn't make any sense, and even he himself admits that!!!!! so somehow, that's both the one part she had planned, and also the very opening of it is very hard to parse in terms of what's fucking happening

thecactifindahome: And the fact that she doubled down on "yeahhh there was no way for that to happen, but it did so who cares really" in that Facebook post years later just means that nope, she intended it to make no sense and never second guessed it, good lord

Again, I love that. Would never have the nerve for a stunt like that.

kaelio: Which is also incredible because it absolutely didn't have to happen that way, she didn't get boxed into a corner. She decided to do that.

he falls down on the roof, he's in the snow on the roof for a little bit and overhears what's going on, he himself manages to crawl into the building at some point and attack the brother. No problem.

thecactifindahome: Or hell, they see him burn and are like 'what the fuck' and go check it out, bring him home, events ensue from there!

There are a thousand rational ways it could have gone down and she didn't like any of them

#cactus chat

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natigail · 14 days ago

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hi hi i hope you don't mind me barging in here like that but i wanted to tell you how utterly obsessed i am with the vampire client. i've read it a few months ago but your writing captivated me so much that i still think about it on a daily basis. I think it's in my top3 of minsung fics! I know the chances are very slim but I wanted to ask you if you've ever thought about joining a fic fest like mnsg ficathon on twt? I know ur probably busy and stuff but i feel like you could bring so much of your creativity and writing talent to the event.. this is kinda a really messy comment i'm sorry 😭 big fan of the vampire client very big fan i loved the overall idea and the execution was just perfect you kinda changed me as a person with that blood drinking scene and omg i loved the addition of the muzzle that had me kinda geeking ngl djdhshsj

Absolutely do not mind, I'm so glad you like my fic! The vampire client was so freaking fun to write, grabbing a stray idea and just running away with it - and getting to write vampires. Do love me some vampires. I love that it lives in your head and that it's a favourite!

I have thought about joining the minsung ficathon because I always get so please when I see loads of fics drop from my favourite STAY fic writers but I am kind of bad keeping times with any sort of fic posting event. My works always end up longer than anticipated and that's really bad for specific deadlines that I don't decide. Also, I'm not really active on twitter and I feel like half the fun with stuff like that is the community rallying around you - I've got this here on tumblr with phanfic writers.

But I am definitely going to be writing more minsung and posting it on AO3. Those two dorks have their talons quite deep in me these days!

#the vampire client #answered

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tiffaluvr · 2 months ago

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op said in tags that they hate tiffa so their opinion might be skewed

however, as an insane tiffania lover (my url, anyone?), I can tell you that you are, infact, NOT wrong at all.

I ended up yapping so here's a cut lmao

TL;DR is: op is right - I hate S3 - the plot is good, very good even, but the amount of garbage in S3 ruins everything

Beware that it's kinda late and I'm tired while writing this 😭😭 there might be nonsense

don't get me wrong, I love Zero no Tsukaima, I love it's entirety and I love both the comic scenes and the serious ones, however we got little to no lore progress in S3 and S4. One of the major plot point was probably Tabitha getting kidnapped and the whole Joseph thing, alongside some Romalia stuff, some Elves stuff and Colbert being actually alive and building that ship.

my opinion might ALSO be skewed since Futatsuki no Kishi (S2) is my absolute fave, but I fear that just another season with a lil less fanservice might've been okay to close the whole thing. OR, in alternative, adding some more information that was taken from the Light Novels (source material) instead, to make it more interesting.

I mean, the third season we got, Princesses no Rondo, was quite literally Princesses no Fanservice because we just got insane amounts of girls-swooning-over-saito and Louise's tsundere bullshit that got to annoying points.

Don't even get me started on Tiffania's character: I LOVE her but she got used as nothing but a sexualized tool, hence her design with big breasts and her being "naive" etc. etc. (that's why I love Tiffa - I like to look past those things and get those little bits of actual characterization I can find).

I have this problem where I tend to mix up the order of events, but I'm pretty sure that really, ALL we got in S3 and S4 was what I mentioned earlier. Colbert wasn't dead and he was also building the Ostrant (or whatever the name was); Henrietta became even more bitchier and just tried to get with Saito to the point she used a mirror inside HIS OWN HOUSE; oh yeah Saito got the house which is ugly, too; Tabitha falls in love with Saito and gets kidnapped; Joseph is a psycho with an hot emo chick as a familiar and bullshit going on with the elves; they get kidnapped by the elves; they go in Romalia to talk with the pope; the dragon thing; marriage.

However all of this - that seems like a lot to digest - was 10% actual story and 90% funny sketches and fanservice. Again, I liked some of those, but sometimes they were just TOO annoying. The only thing that keeps me from skipping those scenes, when I rewatch, is the love I have for this anime and the memories I've connected to it. That's all.

But for the rest, S3 was absolute garbage so I think smth like S4 with a bit more info (so maybe a bit longer) would've been the perfect expedient instead of Princesses no Garbage or whatever the name was.

If I were to draw a line for the greatness of the anime I'd say it goes up until S2, then it falls down COMPLETELY and gets slightly up in S4.

SERIOUSLY I FUCKING HATE PRINCESSES NO RONDO OMG

Sorry for the insanely useless rant but I hate to see how the situation went kinda downhill in S3, because the first two seasons could've been the perfect balance of jokes, lore and hell yeah even fanservice because after all, it's an isekai, what do u expect? But after a while the explosion and dog jokes got old and overused, and overall it wasn't as enjoyable as the first two szns.

Tabitha's story, with her mom and Joseph n everything was VERY COOL indeed!!! But it got lost in the wave of tits and bitches put in the way to please the audience, really.

Plus, the politic setting is what really kept ZnT together and made it interesting - if it wasn't for the occasional war and the different countries, it would've been even worse.

But whatever I love it nonetheless LMAO I SWEAR IM DONE

the familiar of zero would have been such a better show if in season 2 saito just straight up died and it ended

#I like season 4 tho #<prev #u see?#its not just me that absolutely despises s3 #zero no tsukaima #kikiposting to its finest

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dunnswrld · 2 years ago

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This might be weird... but do you think you could do some head cannons of Johnny, Ryan, and Bam dating a high maintenance girl/a girly girl/maybe even a bimbo? Like a girl who loves shopping, getting her nails done, the color pink and all that? If not I understand!

Johnny, Ryan, and Bam Dating a High Maintenance Girl!

a/n: Omg this isn't weird to me at all!!! Hell I have even thought about what they would be like dating a girly girl, so I'm sorry if this is a super long headcannons list... But in my defense it was the 2000s and being a high maintenance girl was the thing right?

prompt: Title!

warnings: Fem!reader, very light smut, fluff, partying/drinking

Johnny

You two met when Johnny had a photoshoot for a magazine and was told last minute that he was going to model with a female model

At first he was a bit mad, he didn't really want to shoot with another person let alone a girl he would have to do some sort of sexual poses with

But when you walked in the door in your pink crop top, low rise jeans, pink heels with fluff on the tips, and your white hand bag he fell in love

He tried to keep it as professional as he could while shooting with you

Was quick to ask you out after the shoot, which you happily said yes too.

And the rest is history!

He knows very well that your high maintenance but he really doesn't care cause he loves it

Like after he gets ran over by a bull he likes going home and listening to how you got your nails done today and how you got 'JK' on them while you cuddle with him

It really brings him down to earth

He would love to go shopping with you

Though at first you would fight with him about paying because you had enough money to buy your own things but soon just let it happen cause you knew he wouldn't change his mind

Plus who doesn't like to be spoiled?

Johnny would love when you tried things on for him he would call it his own mini fashion show

Even though he thinks you look great in anything he still is iffy about the length of things...

"Whatda think Knox?"

"Baby you look great, really, but that skirt is no longer than half a ruler-"

But he would love picking out clothes for you, his favorite things to pick out for you being low rise jeans and cropped tank tops

But going back to him spoiling you...

I'm talking flowers, chocolate, clothes, ANYTHING.

He just loves seeing how excited you get :((

Even while he is away filming he would buy you stuff to surprise you when he gets home

"Hey Steve-o do ya think Yn would like this?"

Also when he is away filming he calls you as soon as he is finished filming for the day and tells you everything he did and you happily listen for hours until you both fall asleep on the phone

Weird side note but I feel like he has you keep random things in your purse for him??

Like lighters, chapstick, his sunglasses, really random things

You two 100% would match during red carpet events

Johnny always lets you pick your dress before he picks his suit though

A lot of your red carpet looks have probably been super popular with the press

The headlines in magazines probably say "See the outfits Johnny Knoxville and Yn Yl stole the carpet in once again!" or "See Johnny Knoxville's and Yn Yl's eye-catching matching look!" and maybe even "Johnny Knoxville and Yn Yl, the best dressed couple!"

Omg when you two go out and party with the Jackass guys it's always a good time

Even though Johnny thinks there is no reason for you to start getting ready at 7:25pm when you guys are leaving for the party till 11:30pm

But either way he always thinks you look great

Johnny could always be found near you no matter where you are

Whether it's standing outside of the bathroom to wait for you, sitting next to you with an arm around you, or him just standing behind you while you order something from the bar

But you usually love to dance at parties which isn't Johnny's strong suit...

So he happily watches as you dance with Chris (nothing handsy though) or one of your friends from the booth you guys claimed

You will usually come back and take a seat on Johnny's lap and he'll kiss the back of your neck

"You looked so good out there dancing doll."

But if a guy is flirting with you so god help him.

"You're a real pretty thing baby."

"Yeah and that 'real pretty things' boyfriend is going to rip ya a new ass if you don't back off."

When Johnny gets to drunk he will get handsy with you

Maybe even put a hand up your dress and with a drunken blush on his face tell you his hot you are

But when you drink too much you can get mouthy, which has led to Johnny having to throw you over his shoulder and walk you out of the bar while holding your heels in his free hand to avoid you getting into fights with men 10x bigger than you

When you go on set with him Johnny makes sure no one is messing with you

If someone even dares to they will have the worst week of their life coming for them

The guys think you're a sweetheart though so they never mess with you

But they do find it funny how whipped Johnny is for you

"Knoxville would probably lick the bottom of Yn's pink heels if she asked." -Bam 100%

You don't mind being on camera at all either, Johnny often seen having his arm tossed around you

But when something gross happens and your on set the camera crew was told by Jeff to pan the camera wherever you are

You just have the best reactions and Jeff thinks it's funny how you shake your hands and turn your head away while gagging

"Ew that's totally gross! Why the hell would you ever even!?"

Johnny loves to kiss you, your cherry chapstick is addicting to him

But he totally hates when you wear lip gloss, it's sticky and gross to him

"I'm not kissin' you when you have that shiny stuff on your lips Yn!"

"But why not :("

You shower him with kissed and hugs all the time though lip gloss or not

Johnny loves that pda is ok with you too, he loves everyone knowing your his and he's yours

Overall he would love dating a girly girl.

Ryan

You two met back in high school

Ryan was pretty known throughout the school for doing dumb things with his friends but you were known for being the cheer captain and dating a football player

But when you got your new classes and were sat next to Ryan you ended up dumbing your boyfriend for Ryan, even telling your ex boyfriend that cause you didn't think it would matter you left him for Ryan

But Ryan walked the halls of his school with his guard up high for the rest of his high school life because he didn't want to get jumped by the football team.

This man would LOVE dating a high maintenance girl

Like he just loves it for some reason?

He probably calls you Barbie cause he thinks you act like a human version of her

From the purses, nails, clothes, and shoes

But he totally loves it all

I feel like if you two moved into somewhere together it would be more your stuff than his

Like he simply wouldn't care what you did with the place because he just doesn't care

As long as he has room in the closet he really doesn't care

But this has caused the boys to make fun of his new crib...

"Have you seen Ryans place? He lives in a Barbie house, everything is pink and sparkly!"

Ryan loves when you two get to sit on the couch and watch stuff though

Only because when he lays on your chest you scratch his head with your long nails

He also loves when you two do face masks, he doesn't really care for it while it's on but he loves when he gets to sit on the toilet with you between his legs while you apply it and take it off

You get beard burn from Ryan bad cause you always are giving him kisses

Ryan has a favorite lip balm you use and it's strawberry

He loves the way it feels on his lips and the way it tastes

Though Ryan loves your chapsticks and lip balms he hates your lipstick

There has been countless times where Ryan and you will be making out and you push him off cause you remember you're wearing your expensive lipstick

Always gets him frustrated but he's learned to just let it go

But Ryan usually doesn't like bringing you out to party because he just doesn't want you to have to deal with all the drunk guys

But when he does once in a while your the center of attention

All the guys talking to you asking you about girly things and you happily talk to them

But you sadly are sometimes blind to see that they are flirting with you

"I went shopping the other day and found these super cute pair of underwear!"

"Really? What color are they?" - Probably Steve-o with a dumb smirk on his face

"They're my favorite color." - Ryan while shooting daggers at Steve-o

When you get brought on set you are most likely on Ryan's lap or have your arms wrapped around his arm

No one messes with you, no one wants to feel the wrath of Ryan and possibly Bam

One time Steve-o jokingly threw your new heels in the water and when you started crying Ryan was pissed

Steve-o ended up getting shot with a paintball gun Ryan found in a van 14 times and even got a hard slap in the back of the head

Ever since then no one has even dared to mess with you

That doesn't mean Ryan doesn't mess with you though

You have found a couple of large spiders placed in your purses by him or been thrown into lakes by him while on set

You probably yell at Ryan all the time to shower

You insist he smells bad and if he won't take a shower you drown him in your floral perfumes

Ryan has been told by Jackass members, crew members, fans, family, and even strangers that he smells like a girl

He likes it though, it let's everyone know he's taken

Probably got a random tattoo on his arm that reminds you of him

Maybe a bow or your favorite flower

When you showed him you thought it was really cool and sweet which only made Ryan love it more

When you go shopping and bring Ryan along he gives you honest criticism on outfits

"It kinda clashes with the belt don't you think?"

"It's cute but not with those shoes."

"That would look good with that skirt you have."

But if you dare to bring him into the dressing room with you expect a very handsy Ryan

"Just making sure the fabric is good honey."

"But Ryan that's my underwear, not the skirt."

You two have had a couple of quickies in dressing rooms

But overall he treats you like a princess cause he thinks you're a real life one :)

Bam

You two met during cky when Bam was kicking footballs at cars, when Bam hit your car with a ball you had turned around to go back cause who does that?

Bam was expecting some old guy to get out of the car yelling but when you stepped out in a short dress and heeled boots him, Dico, Ryan, and Chris were all shell-shocked

Bam was quick to begin apologizing you even saying they are filming for a movie where they pull pranks and that he would even give you money to fix the non-existent dent

You laughed it off though telling them it was fine and as long as there was no damage it's ok.

Out of the four boys who all wanted your number Bam was the only one with the balls to ask, and when he did he surprisingly got your number

Bam dating a high maintenance girl makes perfect sense to me

Cause he is kinda high maintenance too right???

But he EATS UP having a hot girly girl girlfriend

He even funds basically all of your shopping trips

Hell he even joins shopping with you!

Though you two have very, very, different styles

"Babe you'd look smoking in this!"

"But Bam it's so... dull... and not colorful..."

But he will go into your stores with you cause you go into his

Though he doesn't enjoy it when you take super long and ends up messing around with things

But when it comes to you trying things on he will sit quietly and wait for you to come out of the room

He always says everything you wear is cute which is sweet but expensive

His favorite store you go to though is any lingerie store ever

He picks out some things for you to try on and loves seeing all of them

"Do a spin for me, I wanna see it from ever angle."

"God you're so hot."

"You're totally getting that right?"

But when it comes to his room he gets mad when your pink blankets are out cause his room is supposed to be 'dark' and 'badass'

Ape always tells him to stop whining over one pink blanket

Also Ape and Phil ADORE you

Ape loves going shopping with you and even just baking with you, your like the daughter she's always wanted

Phil loves you cause you always yell at Bam when he's mean to him, which no one has done before

"Bam you're being a total dick for no reason at all! Stop it!"

"Sorry babe."

While filming Viva La Bam you were on film almost every episode because Bam wanted the whole world to know you were his

You were also the host for many of their stupid game shows, Bam even going the extra mile and buying you those fancy dresses hosts wear

Dico, Chris, and Ryan frequently flirted with you which always resulted in Bam hitting them or doing whatever he could think of

Poor Chris one time caught more than several pies to the face just for saying you looked pretty one day :(

But Bam never and I mean NEVER would prank you no matter if it was on Jackass or Viva La Bam

He doesn't even let you on the Jackass set cause he says it's quote, "Literal hell."

So you only go to premieres and things like that with him

Always dressed to impress too

We all know Bam loves being a bit extra at red carpets too so one time he had you shower him in dark pink lipstick kisses

His favorite photo of him on a red carpet is you kissing his cheek while he already had at least twenty other lipstick marks on his face while his cheeks were pink and he had a goofy smile on his face

I feel like you would model his skateboards for him?

Like since they are pink Bam thought it would be cool to have you hold them for photos since you love pink

Bam ended up going all out for the shoot and the photos were so good he made posters of you with them

Which sold out SUPER fast

He would be so excited to tell you :(((

"Yn! Babe! Your posters sold out already!"

Bam also would be very affectionate behind closed doors

Kisses, hugs, cuddling he loves it all

He also likes being the little spoon, but he made you swore to never tell

He likes laying his head between your thighs and hugging your leg while sleeping :,)

He also loves making out with you

But like the sloppy making out, the kind that leaves your lipstick smeared on your face and his along with his hair becoming a mess

I think he tries giving you hickeys but you quickly shove him off saying you don't want the bruises on your neck cause they would look bad on camera

This totally would make him grumpy

But Bam loves being high maintenance with his high maintenance girl!!!

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soleilnomoon · 2 years ago

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zoro x female reader plss!!! caramel with macaron, fruit tart, konpeit��, milk chocolate, strawberry cake, chocolate mousse, churro, jelly bean, shortbread cookie and cinnamon roll!! and from the special menu.. cake pop, blan manje, oatmeal raisin cookie, ice cream cake, nougat, pop sicle, sugar cookie and brown sugar pound cake. sorry if its too much, i love your blog!! 💘

hi omg so sorry this took so long (i ended up rewriting it a bunch of times); anyway, it really wasn't too much at all 😊💓 thanks so much for hanging around my blog & for being patient 😌anyway, this ended up a bit longer than i meant buttt i had fun writing it <3

3.9k words, fem reader, nsfw, 18+, mdni; lots of angst, but also smut to make up for it ofc. zoro is relentless and a menace, reader is in denial over her feelings & a lil bratty abt it; modern au! feat. suppressed feelings, mutual pining, a rogue sanji makes an appearance, fingering, oral (f receiving), choking, biting, public sex/exhibitionism, other stuff i'm sure like alcohol or smth.

corporate parties are not your cup of tea; the higher ups have a tendency of splurging unnecessarily — overpriced, tasteless meals, pretentious centerpieces on each table with floating candles that melt fairly quickly — making their events stuffy and boring. essentially, they’re useless and the bane of your existence; but you can’t get out of them, unfortunately. the only way to get through them is to drink until you can’t think straight. except, you know that if you do get that drunk, you’ll end up saying something you regret — and, you’re not trying to burn any bridges just yet. nails drumming rhythmically along the counter at the bar, you sigh softly and grab another slender champagne flute. it’s your fourth glass for the night, and while you’re definitely tipsy, you’re still relatively clear-headed.

several coworkers pass by the bar with their spouses and friends, so you smile prettily at them, hoping to look pleasant, but aloof — so they won’t bother talking to you. when they disappear from your line of sight, your smile drops. feigning happiness is a sport that you excel in without trying; you’re not sure why you do it, but you refuse to let them see the real you. one coworker in particular, however, routinely defies your expectations and has an uncanny way of seeing through your facade; of breaking down your barriers without remorse, ripping open your chest to reveal your true feelings on things. and after every single interaction with him, he leaves you to suffer alone, an ache following afterward, making you want to break things and scream.

if you say you hate him enough times, you might actually believe it.

roronoa zoro also hates corporate parties, and only attends because sanji needs a babysitter for the night. at least, that’s what he tells himself initially, and what he continues to tell himself as his eyes drift around the room until he spots you. he watches you without realizing, a frown latching onto his face when he watches how easily you talk with others, how you actually giggle at sanji’s stupid lines, how your dress completely exposes your shoulders — the skin smooth, soft, shimmering under the golden light, highlighting the richness of your brown complexion. he keeps wondering if you bruise easily, if you’d let him see the parts of you that you continue to keep hidden. the compulsion to mark your skin in an attempt to ward off other people makes him clutch the champagne flute in his hand tightly. it nearly breaks when he slams it down onto the table.

it’s not jealousy that prompts him to get up and walk over to you, nor is it jealousy that has him standing very close and gruffly order a drink at the bar. but, maybe, just maybe, it might be something close to jealousy when he shoots sanji a sharp look that has his friend grinning triumphantly in response before asking you to dance.

in the back of your mind, you know you should decline the invitation; sanji is a notorious flirt that gets under zoro’s skin just by breathing — but zoro’s presence brings about a heat to your skin that you need to get rid of quickly. it’s almost as if he’s capable of looking into the deepest parts of you, and you don’t like it — the vulnerability that comes when you talk with him candidly almost always leaves you in a state of confusion. whether it’s annoyance, arousal, or even anger; it’s really all the same. he extracts them from you with ease and is more than smug when you give him the reactions he seeks. tonight, you refuse to play that game with him; you take sanji’s hand in yours and lead him to the dance floor — he babbles about something or another, but you aren’t paying attention.

jaw clenched, teeth harshly grinding against one another, zoro watches sanji twirl you around gracefully, your movements matching the slow tempo of the music playing in the room. you try to avoid zoro’s stare, but you can’t; it’s impossibly magnetic — hypnotizing, even; almost as if you’re the only person in the room that he wants to look at. the thought brings goosebumps to your arms, makes you stumble as you dance with sanji, and when he asks you what’s wrong, you just shake your head to wave off his worries.

“too much champagne,” you say, the lie rolling off your tongue with ease. sanji’s eyes narrow slightly at your explanation, but his face softens when he sees how determined you are to convince him. a gentleman through and through, he places a small kiss on the back of your hand before releasing you completely.

zoro knows that sanji’s just baiting him, and he almost falls for it. almost. he lingers by the bar, irritation morphing into something that falls out of the realm of his control, taking a solid hold of his demeanor and vision as he watches you walk over. before he can say anything, you roll your eyes and hold a hand up. “don’t give me that look.” you grab your purse and brush past him, determined to get some fresh air so you won’t continue to choke on the tension brewing between you two. he downs the rest of his whiskey in one go and follows you with swift strides.

of course, his presence bothers you, has you pause in the middle of the corridor to sigh heavily and turn around to properly look at him. maybe if you rephrase your initial statement, he might catch the hint to leave you alone. “whatever bullshit you want to tell me right now, you can save it.” your annoyance reached its peak when you realized that you’d suffocate under his gaze if you continued dancing with sanji — not that you care that the dance was interrupted, but you hate how much of a pull he has on you. “i can’t do this right now,” you say quietly, fussing with your hair, fingers tugging at a stray curl.

“you’re always saying that.” he shoots you a pointed look. it’s more than annoying, to say the least, and drives him to grab onto your arm and tug you over to the restroom in the neighboring corridor. it is every bit as luxurious and expensive looking as the ballroom you left behind; zoro momentarily locks the door behind him, to prevent others from interrupting his conversation with you. because he refuses to continue this back-and-forth nonsense that only serves to frustrate both of you to no end.

you don’t know why you didn’t pull away from him before, you also don’t know why you allowed him to corner you like this — but maybe a part of you wants to see how much further the two of you can push one another before it becomes too much. you’re already at your limit, and you suspect zoro is too, even if he doesn’t say it.

the restroom is startlingly clean, the tiled floors shiny and polished, the counters pristine, almost as if someone periodically comes by to clean every ten minutes. you don’t intend to stay in here long, but it’s refreshing to know that you can talk freely without gagging.

“you can let go of me now,” your voice is barely above a whisper, fingers shaking even when you ball them into fists. “if you have something to say,” you start once he lets go of you, “then say it. i plan on leaving the party early.” the lie is meant to light a fire under his ass, to get him to confess whatever it is that he refuses to say, to finally put you out of your misery so you can move on with your life.

he loosens the tie around his neck and leans against the wall. you try not to stare at his throat when he speaks, but you can’t help it. you curl your fingers again and sink your nails into your palms, desperately suppressing the urge to touch him.

“why do you act differently with everyone else?”

the question hangs languidly in the air, waiting for your delayed response; you open and close your mouth repeatedly, irritation returning in full force, uncomfortably prickling your neck, making it hard to think straight.

it’s purely reactionary, instinctual, when you ask in return, “why do you care?” a heavy silence stifles the air around you, brings a deep chill to your body. “it’s really none of your business, anyway.” while you wanted to keep your distance, to ensure that he wouldn’t charm his way back onto your good side, you end up moving closer to him.

before he can control his mouth, he gruffly blurts out, “says who?” his arrogance clearly knows no bounds, but instead of telling him that, you just sigh in defeat, smooth down the non-existent wrinkles on your dress, and walk to the counter so you can fix your hair in the mirror.

if he says what’s really on his mind, there’s a possibility that you might do as you always do: run away. so he swallows it back, tongue struggling to keep the words at bay, especially when you bend over like that. the fabric of your dress stretching tightly over your round ass, reminding him of why he was so intent on being by your side tonight.

already, he can feel his cock grow stiff, painfully pressing against the front of his pants as you continue to tempt him the way you normally do at all hours of the day — even when you’re not near him. and, because he’s lost all semblance of control over himself for the night, he pushes off the wall and stands behind you. rough hands glide down your curves, settle comfortably on your hips before gripping them firmly.

“i can’t tell you why i care,” he says carefully, voice lowering as he presses his hips against your ass, “but i can show you.” which, if anyone were to ask him, is the only thing he can do at this point. he’s terrible with words, even worse with stringing them together to form cohesive and straight-forward sentences when feelings are involved. you catch his eyes in the mirror, swallowing thickly as something prompts you to playfully grind your ass against his bulge. he tries to keep his base needs in check, but inevitably loses that fight as he tugs your dress upward to completely expose your ass. whatever morals you think you have are gone once his hand makes contact with your ass. the slap is loud and hard enough to make you squeal — both from the harshness of the sting and because you like the feeling a little more than you should.

“careful,” he warns, his hand massaging your skin, grabbing the fleshier part before slapping it again; this time, you let out a moan that clouds his vision all over again, where the only thing he can see or focus on is you. “you don’t want our coworkers to hear you, do you?” his words make you press your lips together tightly, your thighs rubbing against one another as an intolerable heat lowers through your body. you grip the counter to keep yourself upright, but your legs are on the verge of giving up on you entirely.

shaking your head — because no, of course you don’t want any of your coworkers to hear what you’re up to, despite the small rush that accompanies the thought of someone catching you in there with him — you give zoro a pleading look in the mirror, hoping that he’ll scrape together some semblance of mercy. he tugs on the flimsy fabric of your panties, the lace delicate and captivating — it rips without much resistance, and even though you fuss at him over it, he ignores your words. it’s less about him ripping them and more about him seeing how damp they were. you want to hate the way your body reacts to him but know that the lies you continue to tell yourself throughout the night will only catch up to you in the end.

you almost ask him what he’s done with your ruined panties but get distracted when you feel his hand dip in between your thighs, thick fingers grazing your folds, arousal coating his fingertips immediately. a shudder passes through you, and you do your best to stifle another moan, mouth straining as your lips continue to firmly press together out of spite. you refuse to let him break down your walls any further than he has, and he refuses to let you take the easy way out. his touch is light, exacting — stroking up and down your slit slowly, coaxing more noises out of you, making it increasingly difficult to keep quiet. when you press your thighs together, he grunts in disapproval and pushes your legs apart. his fingers resume their ministrations, lazily rubbing your pussy as your breathing grows uneven; that ache returns in full force, a slow building crescendo that has you gripping the counter even harder.

your pride prevents you from calling out his name, but your body freely reacts to his touch, much to your feigned displeasure. somehow, you forget just how perceptive he is, so when zoro tells you to turn around and sit on the counter, you don’t think much of it. if anything, your body is on autopilot — his proximity brings a haziness that warps your logic, turning you into a marionette that can only be commanded by him. you don’t bother hiding from him — not really, anyway — but you do turn your face, unable to handle the intense way he looks at you. something compels him to bring your hand to his face and he press his lips against your wrist, leaving behind a soft kiss, one that disrupts all of your plans for the night, the ones where you completely deny any and all attraction to the man in front of you.

chest heaving and blinking slowly you watch as he runs his hands along your thighs, seemingly admiring the plush skin there. a small shiver travels through you when he pulls you to the edge of the counter, but rather than fight your urges, you grab onto his tie and pull him closer to you. surprise briefly flashes over his face, halting his movements, giving you the opportunity to kiss him without restraint. your lips are soft against his, pliable and inviting when he parts them with his tongue. greed consumes him once he swallows your soft whimpers, silencing them with practiced swipes of his tongue, a possessiveness burning through him as his kisses turn fervent and reckless.

a different kind of haziness surrounds your mind, but you don’t stop kissing him — and have no intention to, until a lightheaded feeling spreads. if he had it his way, he’d kiss you all the time — at work, outside, in private — but he knows that there’s a possibility of you keeping your distance when you realize that you like him as much as he likes you. it’s a powerful thought, really, and you try not to think about it, even when he looks at you tenderly like that, hunger dancing around the edge, guiding him to pull away and kneel in front of you. his lips latch on to the patch of skin near your knee, kissing and licking a dangerous path up along the inner part of your thighs. zoro leaves behind kisses and small bite marks that have you moaning shamelessly; when you realize, you slap a hand over your mouth and grip the counter with your free one.

he tuts under his breath at your insistence, shoots you a cheeky grin, and swipes his tongue against your pussy. your hips jerk forward, and he swears he hears you squeak out something like zoro, please. so he does it again, and again, and again. by the time he’s set an indecent rhythm and pace, his face is buried between your thighs, mouth and tongue feasting on your pussy like it’s the one meal he’s decided to eat for the rest of his life. he’s really not much of a foodie — as that’s sanji’s area of expertise for some reason — but, he will say that he’s never experienced this sort of hunger before. your teeth sink down onto the fleshy part of your palm, your cries muffled but still loud enough for him to hear.

in order to tame that part of you, he slips a thick finger inside of you, plunging it in and out, your pussy clenching around it tightly. he watches the way you fight against your desire, watches how you struggle to keep quiet, and flicks his tongue against your sensitive clit. it’s when he decides to slide an additional finger inside of your needy hole, that he speaks again — voice gravelly and husky, making your toes curl. “don’t cover your mouth, i want to hear you.” his words make you choke, and he goes back to ruining your life in the best way possible, giving your pussy sloppy tongue kisses as he scissors his fingers inside of you. you want to curse and yell at him, want to tell him off for how good he’s making you feel. but when he sucks on your clit roughly, a sinister jolt barrels through you, making you buck your hips wildly and drop your hand from your mouth at last. you use it to grab onto his hair for support, riding his face shamelessly.

because that’s what you are right now; a shameless, pitiful mess.

you could blame him for it, but you’re just as much at fault as he is. zoro doesn’t let up, however, driven by lust and other impractical things; he curls his fingers inside of you and you let out a throaty moan, one that bounces around the solid walls of the restroom. if anyone decides to pass by, they’ll definitely hear you. he smirks at that, pride swelling in his chest as he enjoys the way you fall apart around him. your nearly out of breath by the time your orgasm finds you, hips rolling forward, chasing the high that zoro keeps baiting you with. he pulls his fingers out, swaps them with his tongue and slurps your pussy obnoxiously — loud enough to make your body flush, to make you cry out repeatedly, tears pooling around your eyes. so you yank his hair hard, pull him away, too sensitive to take any more. he laughs at that, at your feeble attempts to gaining the upper hand, but you lost as soon as you let him touch you.

your arousal drips down his lips and chin, his tongue darting out to lick his fingers in front of you.

“oh my god,” you say shakily, voice lowered; you watch him in shock as he stands up again. you know you’ll never hear the end of it, but your hands fly out to unbuckle his belt and unzip his pants. zoro lets out a quiet groan the moment your hand wraps around his thick length. you’ve always imagined what it would feel like to touch him like this, to have his pre-cum dribble onto your fingers with each stroke of your hand. you pause to lick your fingers, moaning softly before you stroke him again. you grip a little too tight and he narrows his eyes at you, wraps a hand around your throat, and squeezes, fingers digging into your skin roughly.

“behave,” is all he says before you nod and loosen your grip; although, that’s not nearly enough for him. zoro runs his tongue along your lips, teeth grazing as he rubs his cock in between your folds, enjoying the way your slick arousal sticks to his skin. and somewhere in between him giving you open-mouthed kisses — scorching and sensual, bringing you further under his spell — that he slides his cock into your aching hole, slowly filling you up. his name falls off your tongue prettily, legs wrapping around his waist just as he thrusts forward. he keeps his hand around your throat, holding you steady as he pulls out and slams back into you again. the pace he sets has you squeezing around his cock mercilessly, hips snapping against yours as your back arches. you babble incoherently against his lips and each thrust has you grinding your pussy against him, thighs quivering, as sweat trickles down your back.

it must be pure possession that drives him to bury his cock into your puffy cunt aggressively, his moans turning you on even more. he does eventually let go of your neck, his lips kissing the skin there, your inhale sharp, making you pant lightly. all the teasing is a bit much, and when he sucks on the skin right beneath your earlobe, you buck your hips forward, meeting each of his messy thrusts, thoroughly enjoying the way his heavy balls slap against your ass. your fingers thread through his hair, nails clawing at his scalp as you pull him to you for another bruising kiss. his strokes get shorter, his soul nearly leaving through the tip of his cock when you clench around him like that, which invigorates him somehow, making him pound into you and fuck you harder.

“ah, z-zoro, wait, wait,” you try pleading with him as he leaves kisses on your jaw, but he knows why you’re asking him to slow down — because you’re at the precipice again, and you don’t know if you can handle another intense orgasm. so, he does what makes the most sense and keeps his hips close to yours, angling to fuck you deeper, his thrusts hard, almost as if he’s punishing you for being so bratty earlier. not that he’s really complaining, he likes that side of you — likes the way you constantly bump heads with him, likes how you try very hard to not like him. and now look at you: whimpering, tears staining your cheeks, cunt fluttering around him, squeezing hard enough to keep him there permanently.

he bites down on your shoulder, a moan pushing past his lips when you cum again, wetness causing your pussy to squelch loudly, the noise lewd, bringing another flush to your skin. you hate how much you like the sound, and equally hate that zoro’s left noticeable marks on your skin, almost as if he wants to display your salacious behavior for the world to see. the warmth that you thought you stamped out, swirls back in your chest, making you cling to him.

he keeps thrusting into you, chasing his own orgasm that finds him shortly after. before he can let his lust drive him further, zoro pulls out and cums onto your pussy and the inner parts of your thighs. your dress gets stained in the interim and even though you’ll fuss at him for it later, you just ignore it for now. he kisses you a little more gently this time, like you’re something precious — which brings an additional, semi-permanent warmth to your body — and enjoys the feel of your mouth against his, wanting to savor and bottle up the moment to keep him company late at night. eventually, he presses his lips to your ear, whispers something tragically romantic, that startles both you and him, one he’ll possibly deny later — but you know and heard him loud and clear. you’ll hold onto those words, tuck them somewhere safe and far away from your irritating logic, where you can recall them whenever you please.

and maybe, just maybe, one of these days you’ll stop fighting yourself long enough to admit to your feelings.

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daz4i · 1 year ago

Text

actually here lemme brainstorm it now bc I'm bored and need to keep my brain busy so i don't go insane

tw: suicide depression etc (obviously. it's dazai), animal death, abuse and violence (parental and between siblings)

ok so. the way i like to go at it is to base a lot on yozo's upbringing in no longer human. but combine it with information bsd offers us

still, let me clarify, this isn't quite theorizing, more like headcanons or straight up fanfic really. anyway

some things that happened for sure or at least are heavily implied to have happened:

dazai was already out of his home by the age of 14 (when mori found him)

since abilities are caused as a response to a traumatic event in your past, we can assume something happened to dazai with ability users to cause him to develop an ability that nullifies them

i. think thats all the certain stuff akskflglhj

stuff that are more like fandom hcs I've gotten attached to so i wanna implement them:

something happened to him with dogs that caused him to hate them (however, he sees them as some form of servant, given how he treats chuuya being his "dog")

he was a bit of a loner and never really had friends his age, might've not even known kids his age in general tbh

mori found him in the middle of a suicide attempt

okay. so! (this became so messy dude omg. no chronological order whatsoever. I'm sorry)

he grew up in a rich family, i wanna say with a lot of siblings and strict parents who worked a lot (based on nlh yozo, and irl dazai)

i think he has always been suicidal. or, maybe, that's not quite the right word. more like he never saw a point in life, ever since he was a kid

given his take on life is thinking there's no point in living at all, it might just be the way he thinks, but i think there's more to it - he's lost a lot. i can't remember when he says it, but iirc he does explicitly mention not seeing a point in wanting anything, because it will be taken from him anyway

so! i think something DID get taken from him, something big, that caused him to have this perception. or maybe multiple things really 🤔

one idea i had is. he had a dog he loved as a kid. he didn't have any friends, and this dog was his only relief from loneliness. it was trained and always did exactly as it was told. however, one day, something happened to it that caused it to go berserk and attack dazai. it was a terrifying experience that left him scarred both mentally and physically. after that, the family decided the dog had to be taken out to prevent it from attacking anyone else. dazai was... less relieved than he thought he would be. yes, he was scared of the dog now, but... that was his only friend. either way, that dog was put down, and dazai was alone again. (this can serve to explain 1 why he's scared of dogs 2 why he almost treats them like they're human?? like by taunting that one dog in the train station for example 3 at least a part of why he thinks everything he loves will be taken from him)

another possible thing he lost - well, the war was taking place when he was a kid, wasn't it? and i already mentioned he had a lot of siblings. he was the youngest, and his oldest brother was a soldier. sorry tachihara for stealing your backstory but unfortunately it works really well here. anyway you might be able to guess where I'm going here lol, oldest brother dazai might've been slightly attached to (nothing too deep, but. actually i will get into this later. for now, just trust me bro, he was dazai's favorite family member), who dies during the war, marking yet another thing dazai lost when he was only just a kid

so! i said he was a bit of a loner, and i think it was in part on purpose. he didn't want to get too attached to others, but also, he just. couldn't trust people enough to let anyone in. he put on a mask, tried to be funny, and didn't let anyone see his true self. then when other kids DID try to befriend him, he thought about how stupid they are for falling for his lies, so they're not worth his time anyway.

but why did he put on this mask? well first off. it makes getting what you want easier lol. be charming, and people will WANT to give you whatever you're asking for. and, i think with strict parents, they might've been slightly abusive, at least with the way they raised their children and tried to educate them, possibly in physically violent ways (not like. beating them up. bc i do see them as like, some polished businesspeople in my head, but like slapping them and threatening them etc), and dazai managed to avoid a lot of it by being a cute, charming, innocent looking youngest child. he still saw his siblings bear the most of it however, and this is why later when we see him try to mentor akutagawa, he uses physical violence and threats to educate him. he doesn't know a lot of other options really

however. because he managed to dodge most of his parents' wrath while his siblings suffered, a lot of resentment grew in them. notice how we haven't talked about his ability developing yet? well, i think it's time :)

among his siblings, one or two of them had their own abilities. they kept it a secret, fearing what their parents would do if they found out, but some of the other siblings knew - and one of them was dazai, who caught them using said abilities one day.

since this is essentially a fanfic and i can choose whatever i want bc there isn't really any information to lean on anyway, i decided that one of those abilities (or the only one. if it's just one sibling. it doesn't matter lol) is a fire one. a particularly tough winter caused it to develop in the kid who tried their best to stay warm through it. idk why i gave this backstory ability its own backstory but anyway. this particular sibling was a hothead (ha), and thus got into a lot of trouble, and dazai just watched them face punishment without ever helping (sometimes even shifting the blame to them when he could get away with it)

and boy did that cause a lot of resentment! so one day, said sibling caught dazai alone outside, no adults around, maybe only other sibling(s) who also felt resentment towards him. this was the perfect opportunity for revenge - they unleashed their ability on him. he managed to block most of it with his arms, but got badly burnt on them. when his parents asked what happened, he told them it was said sibling, but they didn't believe him or the idea that any of their kids have abilities at all. still, he developed awful scars there, and started covering them with bandages so people don't ask how he got them, thinking they won't believe him anyway (only further encouraging him to lie about his true self and feelings)

after that, said sibling kept abusing him with their ability. actually i now decided that yes another siblings also had an ability that I'm too lazy to figure out, but they used it to hurt him whenever they could. at some point it wasn't even revenge anymore, it was just to let their shit out on an easy target

one day, fire sibling was particularly angry, and aimed for his face, too close for him to block it again. but something happened - the fire just... disappeared. a white light appeared and made the fire dissolve as soon as their hand touched dazai's face. this was the first time dazai used no longer human

(also, remember the oldest brother? i think he was dazai's favorite bc he was the only one who didn't resent him, might've even tried to defend him a few times. and while dazai had trouble figuring out his feelings, he knew this brother was a safe spot in his life, even if a distant one. so losing him meant losing safety as well)

other kids who found him charming before thought he was a weirdo for constantly wearing bandages (causing him to lose another thing he had before, his confidence in his own mask), and he started getting bullied in school as well. he mostly dropped the mask after that, too tired to keep it up when there isn't much point

eventually it became too much, and he tried to hang himself. failed, ofc, and got scolded by his parents for forcing them to come home urgently from a business trip because he had to be a selfish freak and try to kill himself. when they saw the scar left, they forced him to hide it too (at first with high collars and turtlenecks, but eventually he just switched to his trusty bandages)

he tried other methods too, but nothing worked. one day, on a school trip that brought him to yokohama, he found a lovely river and decided this was where he wants to die. he quietly separated himself from the group and made his way there, placed his things by the riverbed, and jumped in.

he was so close, felt his consciousness fading finally, until- someone pulled him out. coughing and sputtering, he opened his eyes to see a strange man and a weird looking girl with him. the man was a doctor, he explained, so he couldn't just see a kid on the brink of death and do nothing. he introduced the weird girl as elise, and told her to be nice and shake the kid's hand, but after she humphed and complained and eventually brought her hand out, she disappeared as soon as dazai touched her hand in return. and the man didn't freak out the way others did when they saw dazai's ability in action - in fact, he found it VERY interesting, especially when he saw the boy in front of him looking unphased at the sight of a little girl dissappearing in front of him. he told the boy he has a plan and if he'd like to join him in executing it, and dazai, with nothing better to do and no way to get back home anyway (not that he'd want to), said yes

and well! this is where dazai's canon starts! i think i got through every detail i wanted to acknowledge with it 🤔🤔🤔

hope you liked it ✨️ and if you wanna adopt any of this as a hc or use it in a fic or smth, feel free! (just credit me if you post it :P)

one day I'll write my own idea for a dazai backstory. then you'll see.

#dan rambles #I'm honestly proud of this ngl. I'd be happy if you read this 🥺👉👈#actually PLEASE read this and tell me if you like it adflgljk it took more than an hour to type on mobile 🧐

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hexfloog · 3 years ago

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Tonight we screm about... LIFELINES

Earlier today, I sent an... admittedly very poorly-phrased question about Gadgetless Conan to a DCMK server - you know, like someone who doesn't proofread.

(I know it was bad because nobody answered me... rightfully so, lmao)

There was a reason for it though!! What I was thinking about was E2, Company President's Daughter Kidnapping Case/The Kidnapped Debutante, and E129, The Girl from the Black Organization.

Rambling below the cut!!

In episode two, it's made horribly clear to us just how harrowing Shinichi's situation has become, even at surface-level. The point is obviously to contrast against the Shinichi we're shown in episode one, who is physically adept, well-liked by authority, and generally comfortable in life. In the span of a single episode, he becomes alienated by symbols of his former self-- his house, which he cannot enter; his clothes, which he cannot fit; his friends, who he cannot confide in; and his own name, which he cannot utter-- and we begin watching him struggle to acclimate to the life of someone who is infantilized at every turn (until he isn't, cough), the degree of which is illustrated most plainly in this first case solved as "Conan."

You only get one shot to establish the floor of a setup like this, and I think they did a pretty good job of it. I'm biased in favor of the Funimation dub, of course:

"You've gotta be kidding me!! I can't even kick a soccer ball anymore!

Aaaaaugh, the panic in his voice.

Anyway, I bring this up in conjunction with The Girl from the Black Organization because, before Shinichi realizes he's being played, Ai taunts him with some dialogue which I found-- among pretty much everything else she says in these two minutes-- pretty chilling:

And she's right - Shinichi flounders so much in episode two because... he really is helpless! He's completely gadgetless for the duration of the case, completely stolen from his former physical prowess (and the familiarity that comes with it), and just to add insult to injury he doesn't even know how to properly masquerade as a child yet, which is arguably the only trick he has when naked (so to speak). As Haibara says... without Agasa, Shinichi has no liberation from the physical weakness of his child body.

So... that got me thinking... Shinichi has a support system that is already loosely established even by this point, composed of people who know his secret, lifelines which bring him back to himself when it seems like there is no escape from his false identity. What are they?

Agasa is, as established above, Shinichi's lifeline to his physical strength and, arguably, his authority. His gadgets allow the young detective to arm himself-- both in the conventional sense, and with a reliable wealth of trickery to skirt the dismissiveness often invited by his child appearance... whether that means simple antics or straight-up mimicking the voices of dead people to scare culprits into confessing WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS--

His parents are, obviously, his connection to family. They are also his general safety net, in the event he chooses to give up... or is forced to.

Heiji is Shinichi's lifeline to companionship. As I mentioned earlier, once he becomes Conan, Shinichi is put in a place where he can no longer confide in his friends (namely, Ran). Heiji, after learning his secret-- and in his ostensibly wholesome habit of seeing right through the veil of Conan every single time-- offers Shinichi a chance to just... be himself without the smoke and mirrors. When the circumstances of his life force him to wear the skin of someone else at every waking moment, I feel Shinichi could very well forget what genuine camaraderie feels like. Also he's the first one to offer Shinichi any semblance of hope for the end of his predicament (albeit unknowingly), how could he not have a place here omg

Haibara is something of an enigma. Admittedly, I have not seen enough of her to be able to say anything (with confidence) on her apparent role in Shinichi's system, but every time she speaks I swear this girl has something PATENTLY 10/10 to contribute asddgfhj. For me, and for all I've seen so far, she represents his value system (and by extension, retribution?) and is the closest I've seen this show come to gray morality. In this very episode Agasa has to hold Shinichi back when their conversation quite clearly turns to challenging who he thinks deserves to be called a victim and I-- mmmmMMMM

More on that in another post about this ep because there's no WAY I'm going to be able to cover everything I wanna say about it in this one aaaaa. Also I do not know at this point whether Vermouth would also fit into this role, I haven't gotten there yet

(Now for this last one... I realize Movie Canon is technically its own thing, but tbh I want the movie and show canon(s) to overlap so much in my mind that I don't even care sorry not sorry--)

...Kaito Kid.* Honestly this boy is such a wildcard, his relationship with Shinichi is so unique and multifaceted that he most definitely plays more than one part in this support system I've interpreted for him in my head. At the very least, being The Foil, it stands to reason he would play a very similar role to Agasa, but rather than bringing him back to the familiarity of his physical body, he keeps him on his toes by pushing his ambition and testing his deductive prowess, which... is especially interesting to me, given that Shinichi never loses that part of him post-transformation. Passion, then, is perhaps his role (or at least one of them): to remind Shinichi of his purpose, of what gives him life... away from the grim backdrop of his circumstance, and removed from the shadow of the Organization... because even in the body of little Conan, that fire could not be stolen from him. Kaito may or may not be doing this consciously (for all intents and purposes, most likely not) but it's still an intriguing thought to entertain, I think...

(*Yusaku could technically overlap with this also, but imo both Shinichi's parents are far too aware of the threat of the Black Organization, I think-- as they should be, being his parents and all.)

(*Heiji could also be the one who stokes this fire, but there's a markedly distinct difference between sharing a passion, and weaponizing it)

Wow uhhHHH idk how to cap off this post uhmm... that's all I've got for now, next time I screm about... YOU CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE (still this ep, bc 129 is SUCH a treasure trove of ideas)

if you've gotten this far tysm for reading much love <333

#text #dcmk #kudou shinichi #shinichi kudo #internal screaming hours #long post #''yea can anyone tell me if we see more physically helpess conan'' i ask a server that's probably full of minors oh my FUCKING--#hex self-destructs more at eleven #buckle up we got a long one #ai haibara #detective conan #the girl from the black organization

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ichorai · 4 years ago

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ghostly moon, soulless sun ; c.s

pairing ; san x ghost!reader

words ; 1k

warnings / includes ; heavy angst, implications of death, sun/moon metaphors !!, another one of my half-assed attempts at poetic writing </3

prompts ; 12. "don't leave me here." + 24. "i'm sorry. i never meant to hurt you like that."

a/n ; a short lil tidbit for @ficscafe's dialogue prompt event !! this one's real sad yall omg thank you to @fullsunfluff and @subways-stuff for reading through <33

San was dancing with but a mere shadow. He could see you, hold you, feel your gentle warmth molding beneath his tender grazes… and yet, you were never really there. He was alone, swaying to the echo of a dead song that only he could hear.

Eventually, San crumpled to the ground, slowly bringing his knees up to his chest. He felt like a hollow husk of a man, fruitlessly grasping at straws for someone who was gone. You were never coming back.

“Don’t leave me here.” His voice, raw with pure agony, rang out into the empty room.

He was met with no reply.

Tears, scaldingly cold, meandered silently over his cheeks. They dribbled onto the polished wooden floors, like wax melting off the candle’s wick. San wondered how long it’d take before his flame would dwindle to a wisp of smoke.

Each tear told a different story, and he was not yet ready to navigate the ocean.

If he closed his eyes, he could envision your smile, the way you threw your head back when you laughed with glee. It was almost as if he could smell your vanilla hazel perfume that you often spritzed at the junction of your neck, right where San enjoyed peppering faint kisses. Your heartbeat had also always been his favorite sound. It was what used to put him to sleep, accompanied with your steady breathing. San didn’t sleep much anymore. He couldn’t; especially not without you by his side.

And all of it… now gone.

When one looks up at the night sky expecting to see the sun, they’d come away disappointed, only seeing the moon. And though it was practically nothing in comparison, the moon was somehow all the more breath-taking. That was how San felt about you. Whilst everybody else was far too busy gawking at the large blinding star, you were there, waiting patiently in the shadows. Because what was the moon in the presence of the sun?

It was only a week after the tragedy when you came back into his life. At first, he had shrugged it off as his grief-stricken mind playing tricks with his eyes. He was tired, barely conscious, and mentally anaesthetized.

But he knew it had to be real when you reached out with your gentle ghostly touch, whispering, “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you like that, San. We didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye, did we?”

“Why come back if you’re just going to leave again?” San croaked out, turning his head so he wasn’t facing you anymore. He had exhausted himself of tears.

There was a beat of silence. Your ghostly form rounded the unmade bed, sitting by the edge to where he was curled. His eyelids fluttered shut, lashes brushing against his gaunt cheeks. The feeling of his warm skin beneath your cold, lifeless touch only served to wedge a larger gap between the moon and the sun.

“Death gave me a chance to tie up any loose ends. You’re my loose end, San.” You laid down beside him. The pillows and mattress didn’t sink under your weight, for you were only a soul without a body; juxtaposing greatly against your past lover. Where had his soul gone? “I can’t stay for long. I just wanted to tell you that I love you. And if you really loved me back, you’d pick yourself back up. The days don’t exist without the sun.”

An anger, like one he had never felt before, blossomed its inky black contents across his ribcage and seeped into his heart. “The moon abandoned the night, so why should the sun stay? You’re not coming back to me. Let the world stay dark.”

“San.”

A shiver danced along his spine at the sound of his name escaping your ghostly lips.

“The moon might be gone, but there will always be the stars. Bits of me sprinkled across the horizon for you. I’m still in here.” Your translucent fingers reached out to brush over his chest, just above where his duly-thumping heart laid. “Don’t lose yourself. Because a part of me is in there with you. Just as the sun shares the sky with the moon.”

San didn’t have the heart to tell you to leave. He missed everything about you… your melodic words, your elegant features (though barely discernible because you were translucent and the room was quite dark), and the way that, even as a ghost, you managed to make everything seem better. For the first time in a long while, San didn’t feel the crushing boulder-like weight resting upon his shoulders. And so he stayed silent, blinking away the onslaught of saltified emotions lacing the corners of his eyes.

A ghost and their lover laying on the same bed. A broken man and the golden glue that kept the shards together. A waning moon and a setting sun. They weren’t touching, no, but so very close to. San’s hands suddenly ached to hold you in his arms. One last time.

Eventually, after hours and hours, San succumbed to the painful chasm of sleep, horrendous nightmares stringing him along like a limp puppet. When the morning sun rose, greeting him in the face with intruding rays filtering past his blinds, he blinked away the exhaust and ran his hand over his worn face groggily, glancing to the side.

You were no longer there. Of course you weren’t. The moon thrived in the shadows, and the sun brought nothing but radiance. San tried his best to ignore the twinge of nostalgic pain clawing away at his heart.

Slowly, he slid off the bed and stretched, groaning at the stiff muscles in his shoulders.

For you, San would do anything. You told him to pick himself back up, and he vowed to do so, shard after shard, no matter how many cuts he’d accumulate. He’d keep dancing with the shadows, swaying to the dead song’s cavernous echo. And perhaps one day, it’d reignite the flame within his soul.

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