#Also cutting the bipolar disorder medicine did crazy things to me

[ppystkposts]

Waaa

I'm so happy and proud these days, I hope to improve and grow even more

Also, I wanted to apologize if I ever took too long to answer you (moots and friends). These days, I've not been able to have a social life at all HAHAHHAHA

It's been busy, and I always prioritize work, but I'm trying to catch up with everyone!

[death2thevirgin]

A Flip of the Switch

Summary: The reader suffers from Bipolar Depression, at a group therapy session she meets a new comer and a bond is formed.

Characters: Reader, Jared

Word Count: ~2,400

Warnings: Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, thoughts of suicide, cutting, language, self loathing, brief mentions of being taken advantage.

A/N: I wrote this for @letsgetoutalive mental health awareness challenge. I decided to do Bipolar Depression because I was diagnosed with it a year ago and I felt like I could show how a person with this disorder felt on a daily basis.  This is a work of fiction so lets just pretend in this world Gen is happy with someone else.  I mean no disrespect to Jared, Gen or their family! Please read the warnings! I appreciate all feedback.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 “Hello everyone, my name is Y/N and I suffer from Bipolar Depression, to be more descriptive I experience rapid cycling. For me rapid cycling means I experience multiple highs and lows a day.” You look over the faces you have come to know over the last few months.  All of them you are familiar with, except one. “That’s doesn’t mean my mood changes minute to minute, though it sure feels like it.” You giggle a little, it’s a tick of yours, when you’re nervous or uncomfortable you giggle.  Every eye in the room is trained on you, if this was a few months ago you wouldn’t have been able to do this.  “Bipolar depression, bipolar disorder in general just feels like your mind is playing tricks on you.  You are sad one minute, hyper the next then giddy, then back to sad, teary. It’s very confusing and scary how your mood can change and change and change.  You feel like your moods are changing so quickly and you don’t know when you will feel “right” again.”

Looking over the crowd you make eye contact with the new attendee, his eyes hold an understanding that you haven’t seen before.  You continue your story with out breaking eye contact. “It feels like you’re riding a never ending rollercoaster with highs and lows of unknown duration.  The depression of knowing you’ll fall, and the happiness when you’re climbing up, the anxiety when you realize you’re going to start falling again any moment.” You can feel the tears start to form. “It is painful, it is tiring and over dramatic at times.  Always fearing the fall when your high and praying for the high when you’re low.” Clearing your throat, you finally break focus on the stranger. “The medication helps.” Bullshit.  “I was doing great; more leveled but last week was terrible. I had a bad day at work, which for most people isn’t a big deal but for me, it was just enough.  The depression came hard and it came fast.  I wanted to lock myself away and I did, I took some sick days and I spent 38 hours in my room.  The funny thing is everything I was dealing with wasn’t so bad, thinking back at least. But in that mind set there is no reasoning with yourself, you just feel like you are worthless, hopeless.” Wondering if you should share the full extent of your pain, the thing you almost did. Tell them how weak you were.  You look over the crowd meeting the stranger’s gaze one more time.  You decide against it, you have come far but you weren’t ready to go all the way, not just yet. You let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding in “But it is a work in progress, I know the medicine can’t do it all.  I know if I want to live a normal life I will have to fight for it, work for it.  Thank you for listening.”

After you finish and make your way back to your seat, the room is filled with light applause and “thank you for sharing”.  The group therapist, Dr. Nazoro, makes his way to the podium and the room quiets down.  Your heart is still pounding, you weren’t one to speak in front of crowds but when you moved to Austin for your job your therapist suggested group therapy and you had to work the program if you wanted results.  “Thank you for sharing your struggles Y/N, ok so we have a new guest today and he would like to share with the group. Everyone please welcome Jared.” 

Jared makes his way up to the podium and that’s when you notice how tall he is, like really tall.  There is something about him that seems familiar but you can’t place it.  Some of the other members start mumbling to each other and you notice some of the other women are acting a little giddy.  It must be because he is so good looking and he is really good looking. “Hi ya’ll my name is Jared” he lets out a slight laugh as most of the women in the room were swooning. “I suffer from anxiety and depression.  Some of you might be familiar with me, because I am an actor which puts me at a disadvantage.” He scans the room, like he is scared to open up.  

From the corner of the room Dr. Nazoro speaks up “It’s ok Jared, this is a safe place… Whatever you say here stays here.” The room nods in agreement. 

“Uh thanks doc” His hands grab the sides of the podium and instantly I think how it would feel to have those hands on my thighs. Shut up brain! “Some people think because I am an actor, I make a decent living and have adoring fans that there is no reason I should be depressed, right? Hell I wonder that too, but as ya’ll know it’s not something circumstances can control.  I have the constant fear that I am not good enough, that I am not doing enough.  Also I see the things that my coworkers have and I am jealous.  They have wives and children; I worry if I will ever find someone that can handle this.” He motions over himself, pausing briefly at his head.  As Jared continues his story you can’t help but feel sorry for him, not because you pitied him but because you knew exactly what he was going through.  To go through that but also be a celebrity had to be hard, having everyone know and judge everything you do. You couldn’t imagine.  

When Jared finishes up every one thanks him for sharing.  As he heads back to his seat he briefly pauses, and instead of going to the seat he was in last he takes the empty one next to you.  Oh shit.  You just focus on your breathing while the rest of the rooms shares their stories. Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out.   

When everyone is finished sharing and Dr. Nazoro takes the podium to wrap up the session you gather your belongs, making a mental note of the next meeting.  When he is finished, you stand to leave making your way to the door only to stop when you feel a hand on your shoulder.  You half expected it to be Jane, since you joined the group she has been trying to hang out.  You always put it off because you never really liked having friends, it made it easier to shut people out if they were never there.  

You turn around already concocting an excuse, expecting Jane but only to be met by a broad chest.  The chest of Jared.  You meet his eyes; confusion must be written all over your face. “I’m so sorry to bother you.” His voice is soft and his eyes are friendly. “I just had to talk to you after hearing your story, I was wondering if you’d like to grab a drink?” 

At times like this you wish you could just be one of those girls that could say yes to a cute guy offering you a drink. “I’m sorry, I uh- I don’t drink.”

For a moment you could swear a look of sadness crosses his face. “Oh yea- I’m sorry for bothering you.” He turns and starts towards the door.

“Hey Jared.” He turns and faces you hope in his eyes.  “I don’t drink but there is a 24-hour diner about two blocks away that has great coffee and some awesome pancakes.” You didn’t know what it was but you didn’t want to risk not getting to know this man.

Jared laughs “That sounds great.”

The walk to the diner was a quite one, not awkward, if anything it was peaceful.  When the two of you arrive you get a few side glances from some of the other patrons. At first you feel a little self-conscious but then you remember that Jared mentioned he was an actor and the glances were probably directed to him.  You lead him to your favorite back booth and ordered your coffees.

“So what is an actor doing in Austin?” You try to break the ice. 

He takes a sig from his coffee and clears his throat. “I’m from Texas and never really liked the L.A. lifestyle so I decided when I’m not filming I’d like to come somewhere that actually feels like home. How bout you, are you from Texas?” 

“No, I moved here about four months ago for work.”

The conversation stayed light, taking your time to get to know each other. Jared found it incredible that you didn’t know him, not in a cocky way, he was just shocked.  You just told him you didn’t watch much television, you mostly read.  The two of you sat there for hours talking about any and everything except the thing that brought you together. 

After covering everything else in your life you decided to talk about the real reason you assumed he asked you here. “So how long have you’ve been crazy?” 

He almost spat out his coffee. “Well that’s one way to broach the subject.” 

You let out a small laugh “I was never one for subtlety.” 

“Well I have always felt odd, always searching but never able to find my happiness.  Last year while I was up in Vancouver filming I had an anxiety attack and decided to go see a therapist and the rest as they say is history.” He pauses momentarily “What about you?”

You swallow hard, briefly contemplating not sharing. “Well my story is a little more complex. When I was in high school I never fit in and was known to have mood swings but my parents and I just brushed it off to being a moody teenager.  It wasn’t until my first semester in college when the work load got to be a bit much. I tried to fight it but I found myself getting more and more recluse.  I would skip class and stay in bed all day, at my worst I went a week without leaving my dorm. I didn’t eat, I didn’t do anything but sleep.”  You risk looking him in the eyes, half expecting him to run for the hills.  But when your eyes meet there is nothing but understanding and care there. “Then like a flip of a switch one morning I woke up and felt like I could conquer the world.  I called my friends and spent the next few days partying, I drank and did drugs until I blacked out.  I was out of control.  One night on one of my binders a guy took advantage of me and the next morning when I woke up I felt so disgusted with myself that I- I uh…”  You didn’t expect for all this to effect you the way it was but you could feel the tears start to roll down your cheeks.

Jared comes over to your side of the booth puts his arm around you. “You don’t have to finish if you don’t want to, I understand.”

You quickly wipe away the tears and clear your throat. “No… I can do this, plus my therapist says that sharing is a way of healing.  So where was I, right disgusted with myself.  After that night I feel hard and fast.  I felt like I was alone and tainted goods so I tried to kill myself. I went to the top of the highest building on campus and was going to jump.  I would have done it too if the janitor hadn’t stumbled across me.  After that I was forced to take a semester off and my parents forced me to see a therapist and to quote you the rest is history.”

“Wow Y/N, you are really strong to be standing here after all you’ve been through.” 

“Thank you, but I’m not, I promise you.” You can’t help but be drawn to the thoughts of your past week. “I’m really not.”

Jared looks down at you “What are you talking about? You’re still here you are still fighting.”

“Barely.” It comes out as a whisper but he still hears you anyway.  You don’t know what it is about him but you feel safe, a feeling you weren’t too familiar with.  “Last week I was feeling pretty lousy about life and the people I thought were friends have turned their back on me since I don’t drink, you know it doesn’t mix well with my medication… You never realize how much you hate yourself until you are all alone. I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was that set me off but I hit a downward spiral and the other night the darkness was too overwhelming. I just wanted it to stop, I needed it to stop.  I was so ready for it to be over, I had it all planed out.  I was going to take all my pills and just go to sleep. Peacefully. I did it, I took them all and in the moment I felt the world get fuzzy I forced myself to throw it up. I decided to live, I decided to fight.” You look at Jared. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.”

Clearing his throat, he sweeps the hair that fell in your face away. “Always remember that no matter how useless you feel you’re someone’s reason to smile. I want you to know that when I think of you I will smile.” You feel the smile before it forms. “You are enough flaws and all.”

You and Jared stayed in that booth for the rest of the night talking like old friends until the sun came up.  You exchange stories of youth and things you like, not just the disorders that have come to define you.  Not wanting your time with him to end you fought off a yawn but failed.  “Well I guess it getting kind of late, well early.” Jared laughs “I guess I should let you go.”

“No, I am fine...” you say yawning some more. “Ok maybe I could use some sleep.”

Jared pays the bill and walks you to your car. You exchange numbers with him and he promises to call you later in the day. As you drive home you feel the happiest you’ve felt in a long time.  It isn’t until you get home that you notice you have a missed text.

Putting the phone away you smile for the first time in what feels like forever. You have a genuine smile, you are excited to see what the future has in store.

Forever Taglist: @16wiishes, @notnaturalanahi, @illbeguiltyifyouwantmetobe, @tom-is-in-my-tardis, @ally-miller16, @impala-dreamer, @iwantthedean

[psychotherapyconsultants]

Podcast: Host Has a Panic Attack Live While Recording



Panic attacks have a way of popping up at the most inconvenient times – like when you are recording a podcast. In this episode, Gabe has a panic attack in front of the microphone and decides that the silver lining is showing listeners that even someone in recovery has symptoms.

Listen in to this episode to learn about panic attacks and see if Gabe makes it out okay. (Spoiler alert: He’s fine.)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

“We call ourselves recovered, but these symptoms don’t entirely go away.” – Michelle Hammer

  Highlights From ‘Panic Attack Live’ Episode

[2:30] Gabe is having a panic attack and we recorded it.

[4:00] What caused this panic attack?

[7:40] Gabe’s history of panic attacks.

[11:00] Why does Gabe know so much about his own illness?

[12:50] Michelle’s presence and this show make Gabe stressed out.

[18:00] Is public opinion a stressor?

[25:00] Symptoms don’t entirely go away, even with meds.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Host Has a Panic Attack Live While Recording’ Show

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Narrator: [00:00:09] For reasons that utterly escape everyone involved, you’re listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. Here your hosts Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Michelle: [00:00:19] Welcome to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. I’m Michelle. I have schizophrenia.

Gabe: [00:00:25] My name is Gabe. I have bipolar disorder.

Michelle: [00:00:27] And today we are talking about panic attacks. Gabe, what happened recently?

Gabe: [00:00:35] So I’m going to pull back the curtain a little bit and explain how we’re recording the show.

Gabe: [00:00:40] For most of our shows, Michelle gets in an airplane and flies to my house, like that’s how dedicated we are to making good quality shows.

Michelle: [00:00:49] The plane actually lands in his front yard.

Gabe: [00:00:52] It’s really awesome. I have a giant front yard with an airstrip.

Michelle: [00:00:56] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:00:58] And we get up in them or we plan the shows, we record the shows, we go get Diet Coke. We strangely end up at Sam’s Club a lot, but we record like a lot of shows all at once.

Gabe: [00:01:10] Like this is a big three/four day production to record these shows and we do it a lot.

Michelle: [00:01:17] On this particular day, me and Gabe are watching People’s Court and he starts having a panic attack. Maybe it was The People’s Court and Gabe goes, I’m having a panic attack. Let’s go record.

Gabe: [00:01:33] Yeah. Then that’s exactly what happened. So what you’re about to hear is a very edited version. You know the actual recording was about 45 minutes, maybe closer to an hour of Gabe having a panic attack and Michelle trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. But we edited it down to about 10 minutes of decent quality audio. It’s a little bit messed up. Some of the cuts aren’t what you would necessarily expect, but we wanted to get the good parts and we didn’t. Nobody wants to hear all of it.

Michelle: [00:02:03] Gabe started yelling at me.

Gabe: [00:02:06] That was fun. That was fun. So you’re going to listen to that for the next 10 minutes and then Michelle and I will be back to explain what happened. Here we go.

Narrator: [00:02:17] Here are your hosts Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Michelle: [00:02:20] Welcome to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. I’m Michelle. I’m schizophrenic.

Gabe: [00:02:25] I’m Gabe. I’m bipolar and having a panic attack.

Michelle: [00:02:28] Yes, you heard it everybody. Gabe is having a panic attack. Gabe, I wish I knew the best things to say to you right now to help you get out of this panic attack. But do you know what brought on this panic attack?

Gabe: [00:02:40] It’s a lot of stress. There’s a lot of… it’s very stressful having Michelle at my house and it’s very stressful having to do a podcast and it’s very stressful having to talk about trying to hold everything together and keep everything…

Michelle: [00:02:58] Is your heart just palpitating like crazy right now?

Gabe: [00:03:01] I don’t think it’s palpitating, like it’s beating.

Michelle: [00:03:03] It’s pounding. Are you sweating? Are you feeling shortness of breath? Are you feel like you’re being smothered?

Gabe: [00:03:10] Yes.

Michelle: [00:03:11] I know this is like a very terrifying experience for you. How often do you have panic attacks?

Gabe: [00:03:17] Couple of times a week.

Michelle: [00:03:19] Are they all the same?

Gabe: [00:03:21] No, I mean nothing’s all the same, things are just not the same. Look at…

Michelle: [00:03:27] What’s going on with your arm that you’re showing me right now? Is your… are you… Are your hands just shaking so much you just can’t keep your hands still?

Gabe: [00:03:35] There’s that. But look at all this.

Michelle: [00:03:37] You’re changing colors.

Gabe: [00:03:38] Look at all the sweat.

Michelle: [00:03:40] All the sweat because you’re just so hot, you’re overheated.

Gabe: [00:03:44] No I don’t… I don’t think it’s overheated. I think it’s a…

Michelle: [00:03:48] What’s the best case scenario that you think would help you right now? Going to bed? Watching more TV? Hanging out with your dog?

Gabe: [00:03:57] I usually just eat a lot of like salty… like peanuts or pretzels because just the sensation in my mouth feels better and the crunching distracts me. I don’t know if that makes sense. That just feels good.

Michelle: [00:04:15] So this panic attack is brought on by stress by me being here. We have to record a lot of podcasts here, work tomorrow with me over tomorrow on your other podcast for the Psych Central Show… it’s just a lot of things to do and it all kind of just attacked you at once and you’re just kind of losing it in a sense, which is what brought it all on? Was there any like anything said or anything… Was there an external factor or do you think was all internal?

Gabe: [00:04:42] No I don’t think anybody did anything wrong. I think this is just my life.

Michelle: [00:04:46] Your life for the rest of your life. You think will be like this.

Gabe: [00:04:49] Yeah.

Michelle: [00:04:49] Do you have a fast acting anti-anxiety pill that you take ever?

Gabe: [00:04:55] Yes.

Michelle: [00:04:56] Have you taken it?

Gabe: [00:04:57] No.

Michelle: [00:04:57] Will you be taking it after we start recording?

Gabe: [00:05:00] Probably.

Michelle: [00:05:02] Are you scared right now?

Gabe: [00:05:04] I’m not scared. I don’t think anybody’s going to hurt me. I don’t think that you’re going to hurt me. I don’t think… I don’t have the words to describe. I think the reality of my life. Nobody’s going to believe anything.

Michelle: [00:05:18] What do you try and just say we are trying to say we got it.

Gabe: [00:05:21] No I just I think that this is… I think that anybody listening to this is going to think that it’s some sort of bullshit stunt. I don’t think that it’s I just I I’m.

Michelle: [00:05:30] Panic attacks can be brought on by anything. Nobody is going to think that it’s a stunt, nobody is gonna think that you’re lying. Panic attacks just happen. And even though we come on this podcast all the time and we talk and we banter and we have fun while we talk about mental health and mental illness, people don’t always understand that yes, we are mentally ill and we do go through these things. So it is really good when we share you know our stories and when we’re doing well but also when we’re not doing well and why this happens and just you know instead of you know we call ourselves recovered but yet these things still happen to us. And you know mental illness doesn’t just go away just because we take medicine you know symptoms don’t just go away. They can still appear, they can still really affect us. They can just change the way our thoughts are going, they can just attack you, just panic attacks just attack people within minutes. And I’ve never seen you act like this ever. If you think that people are thinking this is a stunt, what would you say to someone who says like Oh Gabe you’re not having a panic attack, why don’t you just calm down, like panic attacks and for little girls?

Gabe: [00:06:46] That’s funny – panic attacks or for little girls. I think you should put that on a shirt. I’ve soaked my jeans with sweat. I’m wearing a hoodie and it’s look that’s from sweat. Maybe you can describe this like describe what you are seeing.

Michelle: [00:07:10] I see a sweaty sweatshirt. I was like. you know that I just googled panic attack and this is what it says. A panic attack is the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms. They are palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate, sweating, trembling or shaking sensations, shortness of breath or smothering. I would say you have all of those symptoms right now 100 percent for sure. What is the best way to get you out of these symptoms? What do you wish people would do? What if you were a young girl and when did you start getting panic attacks?

Gabe: [00:07:52] The first panic attack that I ever remember having was when I was I was married.

Michelle: [00:08:00] Your first wife.

Gabe: [00:08:00] Yeah. And we were at the mall with her aunt who was visiting from out of town and we got into an argument. I don’t remember about what. And I was sitting there in the middle of the mall and behind me was an Auntie Anne’s Pretzels. And after they left, I was just so hot and I didn’t know why I was hot. And I felt weird and I thought I was hungry. I got up and bought a couple of pretzels and a drink. And I sat back down and I ate the pretzels and the drink and I just felt better afterward. And whenever I would get that feeling ever again, I thought it was hunger. So whenever I would feel that way, I would just think Oh I’m hungry again and I would I would eat and this went on for years. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and that I realized that that these were symptoms of anxiety and panic and they weren’t hunger pains. But I had been treating panic attacks with food. I mean you know I weighed 500 and I mean I don’t know how much I weighed then but you know my maximum weight was five hundred and fifty pounds. So it wasn’t surprising that I mistook… I just ate a lot.

Michelle: [00:09:35] I understand that your situation and associating with food was how you thought you were fixing the problem when you didn’t know what the problem essentially was. So then finding out that you were bipolar and that these are panic attacks was actually very beneficial because then you could treat them in the correct way and not just go and eat. So it was actually great that you found out what you actually were having.

Gabe: [00:10:02] Yeah medical science is great.

Michelle: [00:10:04] Do you think there is a difference between a panic attack and an anxiety attack?

Gabe: [00:10:08] I don’t think there is a difference between a panic attack and an anxiety attack. I know there is a difference between a panic attack and anxiety attack.

Michelle: [00:10:16] OK. So do you do you ever have anxiety attacks?

Gabe: [00:10:21] Yes.

Michelle: [00:10:22] So how do you how do you differentiate yourself and anxiety attack and a panic attack

Gabe: [00:10:22] Because panic attacks are acute. They come on quickly, they’re immediate, and they dissipate, and anxiety attacks are different. They’re just medically different. And they have different symptoms and causes and feelings and I know the difference between them and it’s just experience. I had a friend when I was younger who had cancer. He was my age, we were both 15 years old. I used to think that his mom was just so incredibly smart because she knew so much about cancer and about his medication and his treatments and she had every answer that you would ever need to know. But she wasn’t smart. I mean she was, she’s smart, she’s a smart lady. It was survival. She needed to know this to save her kid and to protect her kid and to make him feel better. That’s why I know so much about bipolar disorder and panic attacks and anxiety and mental illness. It’s not because I’m smart it’s because I have to, just like she had to and he had to.

Michelle: [00:11:46] So to keep yourself well, you keep yourself educated.

Gabe: [00:11:50] Yeah. To keep myself well, I have to know.

Gabe: [00:11:53] Is that a stressful thing for you? Was going out to lunch today a stressful thing for you?

Gabe: [00:11:59] I think that you’re just stressful, Michelle.

Michelle: [00:12:01] I’m stressful.

Gabe: [00:12:03] I mean…

Michelle: [00:12:03] Just dealing with me. Am I unpredictable?

Gabe: [00:12:07] No sadly you’re very predictable.

Michelle: [00:12:10] I said something wrong to you? Is it a…

Gabe: [00:12:12] No, Michelle. It’s not. No that’s not what I mean. I just I think that maybe people don’t understand the structure of our working relationship. You know we don’t have money. So when we do a lot of this stuff, when we’re working you’re around and when we’re not working, because you’re staying at my house, you know, you’re in my house and there’s no reprieve and there’s nowhere to go and we’re just… it’s just this onslaught. It’s not you, it’s not Michelle Hammer it’s not it’s just…

Michelle: [00:12:48] Working.

Gabe: [00:12:49] Some of the things that we do to make this show are not mentally healthy for me, they’re not.

Michelle: [00:12:55] Like the things we talk about.

Gabe: [00:12:57] The things that we talk, about the things that we do, the way that we record. You know, sometimes it would be better if it’s just like, OK well Michelle’s pissed off and doesn’t want to talk about it. So the smart thing to do would be for me to just be like, oh OK I’ll go stand over here and we’ll talk about it tomorrow, but we can’t talk about it tomorrow because tomorrow you’re on an airplane and then you’re in New York. So I think, OK we got to do it. Got to do it right now. We got to. And then you’re like, Well fuck you, Gabe, stop talking to me and I’m like, Yeah that’s the reason why I don’t want to talk to me either.

Michelle: [00:13:32] Well nothing is ever easy when dealing with other people.

Gabe: [00:13:36] Yeah. People suck. I don’t even think that. Anybody that knows me that hears me say people suck, that’s when they know I’ve hit a wall.

Michelle: [00:13:44] I think sometimes when you kind of have a plan to do things and then when your plan doesn’t go as planned, it’s very frustrating and it just brings down a lot of stress and that you know like you’re going to do. And then you just think the whole world is imploding because nothing’s going as planned and everything’s kind of crashing down.

Gabe: [00:14:04] Sure. You ever seen the movie Gattaca? It came out in the 80s or 90s. But anyways that was one of those, you know, dystopian future things where they took people’s DNA and they determined what people could do based on a DNA test. And there was this person in it where they took his DNA and they determined what he could do based on his DNA. But he didn’t accept that. So his brother, the main character’s brother, had the DNA that said that he could swim 10 miles. I’m really messing this story all to hell. So the two boys, the one had the DNA that said that he could do it and the other had the DNA that said that he couldn’t.

Michelle: [00:14:54] They switched DNA?

Gabe: [00:14:55] No they didn’t switch the DNA. The brother couldn’t figure out how his brother that wasn’t supposed to be able to swim all the way to the buoy and back could make it back without dying. And he said, because if I didn’t swim back, I’d die. And in that situation, you just have to do it. I don’t know how I make shit work. It’s not life or death, doing our show.

Michelle: [00:15:22] I get that, but I hope this is not what 23 and Me is doing with our DNA. Also just saying that was a joke a joke.

Gabe: [00:15:32] No I actually just thought, oh fuck. I think that’s what they’re doing with our DNA.

Michelle: [00:15:37] I was a lifeguard for six summers. If you swim all the way to the buoy and you can’t swim back, you then go on your back and you kind of just float on your back and push yourself back that way, elementary backstroke.

Gabe: [00:15:52] It was just an analogy.

Michelle: [00:15:54] I know was just an analogy, but I get it. You have to you know, power through because you have to come back.

Gabe: [00:16:02] Because there’s no other way to do it. When we have more time, more energy, more money, maybe we’ll do it differently.

Narrator: [00:16:11] This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist, whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face-to-face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Michelle: [00:16:43] Ok Gabe and we’re back. Everybody’s just heard this stressful panic attack that you went through and everything you said. My biggest question why is me being with you so stressful?

Gabe: [00:16:56] Well as I explained on the show, it’s not just you. It’s not any one thing. Recording these shows is really hard. I really don’t think that people understand the emotional outlay of thinking of all of your worst moments, of all of your regrets, of all of your mistakes. I mean, we have a lot invested in these episodes. We really try not to be surfacy. We really try to dig deep into our emotions about living with mental illness and doing that two, three, four, five, six shows in a matter of one or two days. That’s a lot. And your running around my house chasing my dog.

Michelle: [00:17:35] Your dog wants to play with me Gabe.

Gabe: [00:17:39] My dog is bad ass. I’m not going to lie.

Michelle: [00:17:42] And then you also said like people think you fake it.

Gabe: [00:17:46] People do.

Michelle: [00:17:46] That’s so mean that people think you’re faking a panic attack.

Gabe: [00:17:50] I don’t think that, I don’t. I didn’t mean people think that I’m faking a panic attack. They just… when you’re in the public eye like we are, you invite comments. Many of those comments are very reassuring and they’re very complimentary and they feel like a big hug, but not all of them are. We get a lot of very critical e-mails. And I have a thick skin. I’ve developed one over the years, but some of them are hard not to take personally. And the one that is the hardest not to take personally is the people that say you’re faking for attention. You don’t have mental illness. You don’t have bipolar disorder, people with schizophrenia act this way, people with bipolar act this way. You have a home, so I don’t know why you’re complaining about mental illness and on and on… that’s a lot to endure. I don’t like to be called a liar. I don’t like to be told that I’m attention seeking.

Michelle: [00:18:44] I agree with that. I agree with that. I get the same thing, that that does make sense. That is very frustrating when people just downplay your mental illness because they think that anyone with a mental illness can’t have any kind of success or achievements, which really just is a whole bunch of stigma. I mean don’t you… Don’t people want to see people with mental illness living well? And then once they do is they, Oh you’re not mentally ill.

Gabe: [00:19:07] We really sort of exist in these two ways, either we are incredibly sick and will never be well or we’re dramatic, faking liars. We can’t have sick and wellness, we can only have sick and fake or sick and con or sick and drama. And that really bums me out because neither choice is good. I don’t want to be seen as a dramatic lying stereotype who’s conning people out of money. I also don’t want to be, you know, sick and terrified and walking around my front yard, keeping the demons away from my wife, which for longtime listeners of the show, that they’ve heard this story a time or two and you know, Michelle, we’ve talked about you. I mean think of all of you used to think that your mom wanted to kill you. You clearly don’t want to go back to that.

Michelle: [00:19:57] No not one bit. I don’t want to go back to that at all. No paranoia ever. If I get any bout of any paranoia, I take anti-anxiety at that very moment because I am so terrified of paranoid thoughts getting into my head. It’s one of the scariest things. I’m almost scared so much and becoming paranoid almost more than I’ll be paranoid.

Gabe: [00:20:20] That’s one of the things that we sort of touched on it in our screaming match that we edited out. Thank you, Michelle, for still being my co-host. But it’s scary stuff. Now I have a question for you, Michelle.

Michelle: [00:20:35] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:20:36] You experienced the same thing. We kind of talked about it a little, you know, after we got done recording, you know later that night, it’s hard for you too because you’re away from home. You’re staying in a strange place. You don’t have any of your friends and in your words you think Ohio is really boring and…

Michelle: [00:20:54] I’m not the only one. I am not the only one that thinks Ohio is really boring. It definitely feels that way. I’m not the only one.

Gabe: [00:21:05] But you have to spend three or four days doing this deep emotional dive as well. And it’s a lot of work, it’s a lot of energy, and you’re away from your support system to work out… we really are locked in a room doing all of this recording. It’s really hard. How do you handle it? I know the panic attacks are a symptom that you suffer from, but I know that you get emotionally drained. I can tell by the way you yell at me on day three that there’s something going on in there and that’s not an insult.

Michelle: [00:21:34] When you just have to play that song about people getting lap dances.

Gabe: [00:21:36] Yeah yeah yeah yeah well we know that. I know the song the lap dance on that’s my song.

Michelle: [00:21:41] Turn that song off. I can’t take that song down. Everybody that’s not again. I don’t even now I eat is stressful because you’re in a new element. You don’t know where you are. What I do for finding your place is I chase your dog around the living room. Your dog is my best friend.

Gabe: [00:21:57] Hey.

Michelle: [00:21:59] What?

Gabe: [00:21:59] I’m your best friend.

Michelle: [00:22:01] Kendall’s your best friend.

Gabe: [00:22:04] No. Lisa’s my best friend.

Michelle: [00:22:07] Your wife is supposed to be your best friend Gabe.

Gabe: [00:22:11] Why is that a thing?

Michelle: [00:22:12] Aren’t you supposed to marry your best friend?

Gabe: [00:22:17] I think this is the number one cause of all of the divorces in the country, that we expect our spouses to be everything. Literally everything. Anything you name people were like, Well that should be your wife. Your wife is supposed to be your partner, your best friend, your TV watching buddy. Your confidant. But I mean just at what point are you putting so much on one person that they’re just like, I’m out? That would cause anybody to have a panic attack and that’s really why I bring it up when you are in Ohio. I am everything to you. And in order to make due of our time you are everything to me. So we can’t get away from each other. We get the brunt of our success or failure, our happiness, our work, our just everything that happens is Gabe Michelle, Gabe and Michelle, Gabe and Michelle and by day three, I’m just like I hate you Michelle! And you are like…

Michelle: [00:23:14] I hate you Gabe!

Gabe: [00:23:15] Exactly. And there is no better way to do this. I mean I suppose if we had like billions of dollars there’d be a better way.

Michelle: [00:23:22] If there’s an angel investor, if you’re an angel investor and you know, if you’re a philanthropist, if you want to give us like a billion dollars so that we don’t get in these stressful fights you are more than welcome to send us the check, email us at show@psychcentral.com.

Gabe: [00:23:40] Yeah. Email us at show@psychcentral.com with your billion dollar check. Yes.

Michelle: [00:23:44] Yes yes. Putting it out there, more than welcome.

Gabe: [00:23:46] You never know. The answer is always no if you don’t ask. The question really should be, Why don’t I have more panic attacks when you’re around? I have an anxiety disorder. I have panic disorder and this is hard. I’m not repeating this over and over again to annoy people, I’m just stating the fact that this is the first panic attack that I’ve ever had on the air is really quite remarkable. It really really is. In that way, I want to thank you Michelle, because it shows that you are a great and supportive co-host. I don’t want to do the show with anybody else, because I think with anybody else it would be a lot worse, because this is hard shit. And believe it or not, you are really good at being supportive. When you want to be.

Michelle: [00:24:34] When I want, when I want to be.

Gabe: [00:24:35] When you want to be.

Michelle: [00:24:37] When I want to be. I mean, I think it’s good also because it shows that you know colors have recovered. But you know these symptoms they don’t go away.

Gabe: [00:24:44] They don’t.

Michelle: [00:24:45] I mean I take seven medications, I’ve said that many times, yet I still talk to myself.

Gabe: [00:24:51] And you have a great video out right now. You should really bop over to PsychCentral’s Facebook page. Look in the video section and there is a great video that was made by Michelle Hammer where she’s showing herself talking to herself and talking about those symptoms. We will put a link in the show notes for this episode. But again, you can also head over to PsychCentral’s Facebook page and give it a watch. It’s really good. Now eventually, Michelle, you have to freak out and we have to record it so I don’t know if I have to hide your meds or maybe keep you up for three days. But we’ve already had game to play this kind of show and gave panic on the show. Does Michelle freak out on the show?

Michelle: [00:25:28] I can not take my nighttime medicine and then not take my morning medicine and I’ll just go nuts.

Gabe: [00:25:35] This is not a good idea. And we will not be doing this. We should probably give up before we close here. You know, do as we do and not as we say is something that my father used to say to me. I don’t know why when I had a panic attack and I looked over at Michelle, the first thing I thought about was, oh my god there’s podcasting equipment upstairs. This probably isn’t the healthiest thing to do. And I should note and say that if Michelle wasn’t there I would have taken… I have medication for this that I carry in my pocket. I would have taken a deep breath. My wife would rub my back. I did not make a smart decision by deciding to record and let the panic attack.

Michelle: [00:26:14] No. You did make a smart decision because we’re showing our listeners what a panic attack can be and showing them how it can manifest in different people. Even though we consider ourselves recovered, we’re showing people that yes we still have panic attacks and I think it is a good thing to record a podcast about it just to show people it happens and when it goes through what it can be like. And you are the great Gabe Howard, the host of the PsychCentral Show and the co-host of A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. And yet you still have panic attacks, so you’re just being an open book and showing everybody what it’s like.

Gabe: [00:26:51] I love that. I’ve decided that from now on, I am the great Gabe and you are the magnificent Michelle.

Michelle: [00:26:57] OK I’m down with that.

Gabe: [00:26:59] Together we are the… we need something that starts with an H because we both have H last names. The Honorable Howard and Hammer except honorable is lame.

Michelle: [00:27:08] Honorable is kind of lame.

Gabe: [00:27:10] We will put that out to our audience. E-mail show@psychcentral.com about what H word goes with Howard and Hammer that describes the great Gabe and the magnificent Michelle. Thank you everybody for tuning into this episode of A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. If you are not telling your friends, you are making us poor. Please tell everybody that you know, like us, rate us, rank us everywhere you download this podcast and finally, comment on PsychCentral.com/BSP. We will see everybody next week!

Michelle: [00:27:40] Why am I so stressful!?

Narrator: [00:27:43] You’ve been listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. If you love this episode, don’t keep it to yourself. Head on over to iTunes or your preferred podcast app. Subscribe, rate, and review. To work with Gabe go to GabeHoward.com. To work with Michelle, go to Schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups, head over to PsychCentral.com. The show’s official Web site is PsychCentral.com/BSP. You can e-mail us at show@PsychCentral.com. Thank you for listening, and share widely.

  Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

  MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-host-has-a-panic-attack-live-while-recording/

[lizzie1-2]

Thanks mom

I just found out three years ago that I have anxiety. Apparently I inherited it from my father. I didn’t even know anxiety was hereditary. I always had problems growing up, but I never would’ve guessed that as I grew up, my problems would continue to increase. I’ve always found it hard to make friends or talk to people in general. Whenever I had to speak in public or just talk to someone new all together, my heart would race like crazy. I’d begin to shake and soon after, I would cry. I always found it hard to calm down afterwards and end up violently crying in the end. My mom just thought I was really shy and so did I. I grew up wanting to make friends, but was never able too. I couldn’t make friends on my own, so I grew up surrounded with animals as my friends. I remember whenever I was nervous, I’d chew my nails. Of course my mother forced me to stop. It was the only thing that really kept me calm when my nerves would get the best of me. For a while, I would chew the hands and feet on my dolls in order to keep myself calm. Eventually, I stopped but that’s when my anger started to get out of control. For a short while in my life, rather than feeling anxious all the time, I felt nothing but anger. I was angry all of the time for who knows what reasons. I wasn’t even a preteen yet and I was constantly angry. My temper would get the best of me and I’d black out. Most times I’d become really violent. So I tried to find a way to control my temper on my own. I would break as many pencils as possible until I calmed down. If there were no pencils around, I would break any and everything in my way. Over time I moved on from breaking things to cutting open ever teddy bear I had. Whenever I felt angry, I would torture my bears. I’d rip them apart, cut them, strangle them and slam them over and over again. After every fit, I’d sit and hug my bear while crying. I never told my mother about any of this. She’s never seen my fits and I was fine with that. Growing up I didn’t see the need to tell her. Now that I’m older, I wish I would have. Maybe then I could’ve gotten the help that I needed. By the time I started middle school, I found myself without a single problem what so ever. I had friends and I smiled and laughed all of the time. Everything was perfect. Then I went to high school and my life had completely changed. I had grew up alone so I never really felt lonely. However, once I started high school, I felt alone even when I wasn’t. This is when I first started to realize that I had depression. I’d find myself spacing out more often and crying for no reason. I’d crawl into my closet then sit there in the dark and cry. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. I’d pray for my pain to go away. I’d smile and laugh with my friends and family, but on the inside I was alone. There were so many times, I’d lock myself in my room and cry until I had a head ache. I’d cry myself to sleep, wake up and cry again. I asked myself over and over again, what’s wrong with me? Why was I so different? What’s so wrong with my life that I’d constantly feel like I didn’t belong. I felt like I was useless, a disgrace, unwanted, unloved, alone and empty. There would be times where I could be in the middle of talking to someone and I’d be on the verge of tears, for no apparent reason. I could be smiling and singing a song in the car with my mother one minute, then spaced out and sad the next. There were times I just couldn’t take it anymore and I tried to kill myself. Multiple times I tried to end my life, but each time I’d find myself to afraid and cry myself to sleep. Eventually, I found my current boyfriend and finally gave up on ending my life. He taught me to accept myself the way I am. There are still times where I find myself arguing with the voice in my head, but I don’t listen to it. After my battle with depression I found myself dealing with anxiety. It got to the point where my heart would race so badly at times that I couldn’t breath. I’d see things and feel like the world was shaking underneath my feet. In order to keep calm, I’d climb underneath my table in my room and I’d rock myself until I was calm. Still I never told my mom what I was going through. I didn’t think she’d listen. I always felt like she’d judge me or say I was overreacting. I would have small attacks around my mother and each time she’d say that I was a drama queen. My mom didn’t find out about any of my battles until one day, I was sitting at my aunts house and as she was doing my hair. I had a huge panick attack. I broke out in a cold sweat, I shook violently and I cried. To this day I don’t know what triggered the attack. It lasted for at least 30 minutes until my dad came and spoke to me. I was so scared that day. I had no idea how to even breath properly, but once my father showed up, everything was ok. My father told me how he had anxiety and he advised me to go get examined for it too. My mother didn’t seem to believe it at first but I knew what I had. I never went to the doctor For that exam and when I did go, I never brought it up. I never went because I was afraid of being someone who had to take medicine for something like anxiety. I felt like a crazy person. Three years have passed and my anxiety and depression have worsened. I still haven’t seen a doctor. I didn’t want my mother and the rest of my family to look at me differently. A few days ago I was talking to my mother and she told me to get checked for my anxiety. She also advised me to get checked for Depression and bipolar disorder. They both run in our family and she wants me to be safe. She doesn’t want me to have suicidal thoughts. For so long I delt with all of these. Anger, depression, anxiety and suicide. For so long I’ve kept it a secret from her. Now I finally feel at ease. Now I don’t have to hide myself from her. Now I can finally get the help that I need, because she’s finally said the words I’ve wanted to hear for so long and she doesn’t even know. Thank you mom 💜

[hotmanicmess-blog]

After years in a violent & degrading marriage, something inside me died & a new person came about. The Drs in the 1st institution diagnosed me with bipolar manic depression, anxiety, panic disorder, suicidal ideations & social anxiety. They said it was in my genes, although I'd only suffered mild depression as a teenager. What's funny is that i went from a hard- working, fun- loving successful bartender of 15 years who got along with everyone to a sad, angry & withdrawn suicidal mess. It was just weeks after he had given me a black eye after my employee Christmas party. He beat my face in while he was driving down the highway to pick up our children from my parents house. When i was admitted, i had been pacing the floor for hours on end daily, suffering terrible mood swings, bouts of extremely irrational thoughts, & suicide attempts. The Drs thought he was the best suited to help with my care, so they involved him in every decision as to my care. I was so ill, i did what everyone told me to do & believed everything they said. Once i was properly medicated & was feeling more stable, i took my children & left. He eventually destroyed my life even more when he took our youngest for the weekend & didn't bring her back. Even though he had felony charges such as strangulation, battery in front of minor children, intimidation & kidnapping, he was able to portray me as an unfit parent due to my mental illnesses, & he was awarded full custody. Also, he was able to avoid serious jail time by telling the courts i suffered from mental illness & fits of rage which caused him to defend himself. After years of therapy & too many medications to count, i started being able to focus enough to read a book. I poured through every book about mental illness i could find, & learned something very important. Mental illness isn't just in the genes. It can also result from trauma. To this day, he lives the life as a Jehovah's Witness, which he did also while abusing me. Our daughter who lives with him is suicidal & self harms. He made her keep this a secret from me for 6 months, bcuz "Ill just make trouble for them". I struggle daily to understand how i was failed both by Drs & the court system. There isn't a day that goes by i don't regret my inability to stand up for myself or to have been strong enough to leave before he broke me down to nothing. My victory is knowing i survive every day bcuz i no longer wish for death. Usually, anyway. I still have my moments where im out of control, but they're father in between. I ask God for forgiveness every day as i often wish ill of him. Many times i want to take the role of karma towards him & expose him for who he really is behind closed doors. It kicked into overdrive when he yelled at our daughter for writing quotes with marker in braille on her arms & legs. He told her to wash it off before someone sees it, even though she told him she did it instead of cutting. He recently ended her therapy sessions bcuz he didn't think they were helping. I feel my mental health would be more manageable if i truly believed he'd get justice for the things he's done, but he seems to somehow always come out the victim due to his crazy ex-wife. Even though he doesn't believe in heaven & hell, i believe Satan is keeping a special place for him. I've often wondered if that thought process is what keeps him from having to admit the truth to anyone, especially himself. On the nights i lay peacefully in bed,i hope he has nightmares that keep him awake. It's better than allowing other, more selfish thoughts of terrible things happening to him. I may suffer from mental illness for the rest of my life, but being bitter constantly is the worst feeling ever. I remind myself every day that i survived & that says something. I have a tattoo my son gave me that reads"one day at a time", bcuz i take every day as it comes, not worrying about the ones in the past or in the future. I urge people in this situation to find someone you trust that has your best interests at heart to help you find ways to cope. All i needed was 1 advocate & my life with mental illness would be drastically different. Even though i know im not to blame, i still have this terrible guilt bcuz i feel like i failed. I survive now knowing im not alone. The best medicine is knowing & loving the new you. A good therapist doesn't help, either! This is just a few of the things that go through my manic brain on a daily basis. My best advice to anyone is to continue with the medications even if you feel better. It seems to be more difficult to regain sanity after you've stopped taking them & then started again. Personally, i make terrible decisions when i stop mine, which all i eventually have to face. Thank you for reading my rambling story of some of the things that rattle around in my manic mind. I hope it helps even 1 person to realize they're not alone, trapped in their mind, either.

[mylifethetvshow-blog]

The beginning.. or something like it

Hello friends I have not met yet, welcome to my blog! 

I honestly do not know how to begin something like this. I’ve never publicly put my life on display. I rarely post ‘updates’ or selfies on any form of social media (it kind of freaks me out when people know I saw a movie last night without me telling them .. I’m weird I know). So this is new for me. I’m going to work my hardest on keeping all of this CCCCrazy life in line with the future I want. 

[this is the disclosure first blog post blah blah blah.. but hey! You do need a little background if you’re going to be reading about my life. This post is just about where I currently am in life. Names will be changed to protect the people in my life (even if they don’t always protect me) and this post will have no names because it is the disclosure ... keep reading]

So what is the future I want?

Well you can’t really talk about the future until you talk about the past. This blog is going to be real. Real feelings. Real actions. Real thoughts. Real assholes in my life. A lot of what has been happening to me the past SEVERAL months has absolutely nothing to do with me - yet I cannot escape the cycle. Why? Family. You know, the people who are supposed to help you? What happens when they can’t help themselves? 

I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit. I have a lot of shit on my mind and I do go to therapy, but an hour once every month isn’t really going to help and I can’t really afford going every day SO compromise (which is what life is all about) and I made a blog. 

So what have I been dealing with? Well, I couldn't possibly sum this hot mess up in one blog post. Therefore, I will be creating lots of different kinds of materials for my blog. Some post will be “from the past” where I retell an event to document/compare. Others may range from random thoughts, pissed off about politics, what is currently happening, or anything that is pressing my mind really. To understand what I’ll be writing about - you should probably understand a little about me.

Let’s just flash forward to the present lol because right now, that’s all that matters to me. I currently work full time at an elementary school where I work with students from Kindergarten through 6th grade on different reading and math skills. I absolutely love my job. I work with the Kindergarten students the most and my relationship with them is awesome. We have a music and movement time activity every afternoon and today their activity was the PARACHUTE! I mean come on, can a teacher get any cooler than that? I want to document some of the adorable moments I share with these tiny humans. They mean so much to me and I’m sad we have a long weekend this weekend. Work is my happy place :) Actually, talking to my coworkers about the life I’ve been dealt lately gave me the idea for this blog. I like to think the next episode will be better than the current, and that’s what keeps me going. 

I also take graduate classes online, which I am working on my School Counseling degree. I just started this semester after having took a year and a half off after graduating the first time! I enjoy my classes, but I think it’s a little ridiculous the price for the actual training - I will have blog posts about this I’m sure! (With accurate facts and data to back it up) If you’re a college student (or have been recently), you will be able to relate to this. 

I like to go outside and argue politics until people think I’m a heathen (angry blog posts to come!!!!! #EducateTheMasses). I have an amazing boyfriend who I have been with a little over a year! We have our ups and downs like any couple, but the shit we have been dealing with lately has been insane. I like to call him my person. Right now I’m holding onto my person for dear life because everything else around me is falling apart. My boyfriend and I are extremely close, inseparable if you will. We experience everything together, he really is my other half. Right now we’re both hurting from the people who are supposed to love us the most in life. Our parents. I’m not going to get into too much detail, but I will tell you this is where the TV show comes into play. What our parents are doing is almost unbelievable. 

Now to some, our problems may seem very small and I recognize this. But - our problems are very real to us and it is a lot for some young 20-something-year-olds to handle. His parents recently got divorced - but the reasons are almost laughable, almost (maybe in time, lol). My parents - well my mom really, is diagnosed with a ‘bipolar disorder’. Ah, mental illness. Something many, not just many, thousands and hundreds of thousands of people deal with or are affected by a mental illness. So why don’t we talk about them more? A lot of my post will be about these subjects. 

But to give you a little background - my mom was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder when I was about 10 years old. The first experience I had dealing with her like that still haunts me. We were at a McDonalds... crazy.. Anyways, flash forward to now. She’s had one relapse (a couple years later) since and was admitted to a mental hospital for several days. I honestly don’t really remember the ‘second’ time it happened - I will explain why later in a different post. Recently, well since the very end of summer 2016, she ... erm.. changed medicine and ... how do I put this.. shit hit the wall. I haven’t had a mom since August is really how I have to look at it or it just hurts too much .. My dad is awesome, but he’s changed and they have been talking about a divorce for the past couple of months, too. 

I guess it’s just really overwhelming when I feel like I have a lot coming at me in every direction. I really do try to be a good person and I do good things. I have a good sense of humor and I know how to have fun (thanks to my boyfriend:). I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety since the middle of high school (I’ve been doctor diagnosed btw.. all y’all diagnosing yourself got me fucked up). I’ve tried to commit suicide seriously twice. I’ve cut myself, had eating disorders, taken pills to make the pain go away and have done some other seriously stupid things.. I’ve been hurt. Really hurt. The kind of hurt you experience when someone takes something from you that you’ll never get back. I’ve felt like the sun was never going to rise. It did, of course because that’s how life works. Just when you think you won’t be able to continue on - you do. You find a way to take the bad and make it good. You stop relying on everyone to be there for you or help you and you start relying on your level one’s. My level one’s have almost all abandoned me, except one. What do you do after you lose a parent who is still alive? Chaos. Utter. Freaking. Chaos. 

Unbelievable, I told myself I wasn’t going to get upset writing the first post and now I’m just sitting here contemplating life. How do you know what to bet, if you can’t see your hand? That’s how my life has been lately. The cards have been dealt to me and I’m forced to go all in without checking to make sure I’m okay first. Lately, i’ve been really drawn back and spending less and less time with my/my boyfriends parents. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of people in my family, like close people, since an uncle passed away April 2016 (owned the family business, AKA drama). My parents haven’t been there for me (like I need them to) since my mom changed meds, but I’ve sure as hell been there for them. I used to live with Dylan and his parents and I can hardly stand to talk about situations without getting so frustrated. I’m struggling, maybe even drowning, but I’m not upset. I don’t get upset, I’m fucking numb. I don’t think I can cry about this shit anymore, so I write.

xoxo