#Also because I typed half my answer and saved it in my drafts

[my-name-is-apollo]

Hey! I was wondering if you had any speculation on how Hermes and Apollo caught feelings for each other AND what exactly happened for the big kiss to happen

You know this is a great question, inspite of me struggling a bit to answer.

For a while now, I've seen Hermes as someone who is pretty casual when it comes to romance. He's all about being charming and lovely but he rarely ever truly falls in love or gets attached (and it's even more rare when it comes to mortals) He is causal with sexual affection, and definitely not a fan of monogamy or any long term commitments. So he isn't exactly the kiss kiss fall in love type of guy. But on the rare occasions that he does get attached to someone, it is for life and Apollo is undoubtedly one of those people. When did he catch feelings? I like to believe pretty early on. I mean, he specifically stole Apollo's cows and decided to make friends with him, after all. He loves Apollo deeply and he will for the rest of his life ("And Hermes loved the son of Leto continuously, even as he does now" !!!!). Sometimes it might be romantic, or just sexual, or both or neither  - he wouldn't care to differentiate or label. It depends on his mood. But as long as he has Apollo's attention, gets to spend time with him in whatever way that he wants to, and remain Apollo's closest friend, he's more than happy. I bet their first kiss was also causal, with Hermes just kissing Apollo out of nowhere and saying he just wanted to try it when questioned.

All of this would, however make it difficult for Apollo. Initially at least. Because he might not be monogamous either but he can be very romantic and get attached easily (He's the type of person to care about even his ex-lovers and one night stands lmao) So I think he would be confused with Hermes' first kiss, and his causal intimate gestures and affections. Mostly because he doesn't know what Hermes wants of him. It would probably drive him nuts in the beginning but he would get it, eventually, as they spend time together. I think the tipping point for Apollo to realise Hermes' feelings would be when Hermes promised Apollo not to steal anything from him - that is the absolute peak of loyalty that Hermes can give to anyone XD and that probably sealed the deal for Apollo. Even in the hymn, Apollo promises to not love any god more than Hermes after Hermes promised to not steal from him. And maybe soon after that they had their first meaningful kiss? :3

Anyway, thank you for the ask. I feel like I did more of Hermes character study of than answer the question XD but i really enjoyed it <3

[the-s1lly-corner]

HI there, hate to bother you but i was wondering if you could do the amazing digital circus head canons for a gn! reader who acts a lot like ena

if you have never heard of it you can check on the ena wiki but i would really love if you did something like this so thanks

TADC x ENA type!GN!reader

typically i would do all the characters in one post, but its starting to get late and tumblr wont let me save half answered asks in my drafts for some reason TToTT so im gonna split the cast in half, if you want the rest of the characters you can send in a second ask so i can remember to do everyone else :0! also my apolocheese for any personality mistakes, i think i watched ena a long time ago but was confused/didnt watch the whole thing so uh uh!! relying on a character wiki for this (on that focuses on season 1 so uh uh, idk if that will impact anything) little bonus bonus incorporating enas color thing into this cuz uh we can say its digital world stuff ooo that gives me an oc idea; oc whos like the mayor from nightmare before christmas who has a spinny head/face thing that relates to their emotions

CAINE:

caines is going to be shorter because hes just your number one fan regardless of your personality, in fact he probably has a silly shirt with your face on it somewhere

will do everything in his power to make sure youre happy and content, and will do everything to cheer you up when you switch over to your sad side

takes you to wherever it is that he 'sleeps' when you get overwhelmed by stuff and keeps you there until both of you are sure that youll be okay and your blues are long gone

you and him easily match energies, sometimes he will even try to one up you with using fancy intricate words

POMNI:

writing pomnis part first but oh funny is it that pomni and ena have the same VA

anyways

absolutely loves you, but she is so so worried about stressing you out and switching to your 'sad form', tries to (often times unsuccessfully) cheer you up

honestly you both need a break, things in the circus are hectic and insane, and considering pomni just got here she is going to need your help to get used to things

not much to be said since i think pomni is another character i struggle to write

JAX:

initially teases you for how fast you switch up, its almost like gangle being more upbeat with her comedy mask and more sad when its broken

tones it down a little when you explain you cant really control it whereas gangles case is just her being more confident with the comedy mask (at least thats my hc)

sometimes give you weird looks when you use an unnecessarily long set of fancy words to describe something mundane

bro is fighting the urge to mimic it

surprisingly does the kind thing, he takes you off to the side when something stresses you out so you can have a minute to compose yourself

RAGATHA:

optimistic sweetheart meets ray of sunshine, you two are an unstoppable force of good and kind of rub off on some of the others

similar to jax when you get stressed out or upset about something, usually when its an in house adventure, she sweeps you to the side and helps calm you down. she probably knows some breathing techniques, i think

ignoring the fact they probably dont need to breathe but thats asides the poin

[canyouiimagine]

Showed Me | CS55 x Black!Reader (draft)

A/N: This is just a draft but I wanted to know if you guys like the use of I or You better 👩🏾‍💻 👉🏾👈🏾

I'm also planning on making this a series so, yeah 💖

Warnings: cursing, mean reader, mentions of cheating. (idk how to do this 😭)

Carlos Sainz was an asshole. 

I knew it, she knew it, everybody knew it. 

It wasn’t even like the man looked like an angel. Carlos looked the part and his actions told it all. He was selfish and narcissistic, but he was also charming, and that’s how he got away with everything.

Y/BF/N had met him at a party a year ago in Ibiza. It was love at first sight she told me. He had saved her from a guy who was harassing her and stayed with her afterward to make sure she was okay. He eventually drove her home not expecting anything in return and gave her his number in case she needed anything. Shortly after, they started dating. 

To her, was sweet and caring. He flew her out places, bought her expecting gifts, and gave her his time whenever he could. But being an F1 driver, they were apart a lot. Sure, he would fly her out but it was different. They were in a secret relationship, something that he had managed to convince her she wanted, and so even when in the same city, the time they could spend together was limited. 

To me, he was a prick who had convinced my friend that it would be better to keep their relationship a secret so he could feed her crumbs and use it as an excuse.

Carlos being an F1 driver, they were apart a lot. Sure she would sometimes attend the races - she was a software engineer and worked remotely so she could accommodate - but they couldn't even interact in public. They spent their time loving each other in secret. It was hard but worth it. Or so she thought. 

After a year of dating that’s when she saw it. A girl had posted a picture at his house. She didn’t tag him or add the location but she didn’t need to for my friend to know. Of course she would recognize the house she spent half of her time in anywhere! Though she tried to reassure herself at first, after scrolling through the pictures she resigned herself. He had been cheating on her the entire time. There were pictures upon pictures of her at the same places she had been flown to, to meet up with her boyfriend. Hotels and homes they stayed at. And all with a week or sometimes even just hours she presumed of difference!

She didn’t even know who was the side chick, was it her or the other girl? Had he met the both of them at the same time? Were there other girls? 

She cried on the phone explaining everything to me and I couldn’t resist the urge to say -

“I told you so.”

“Y/N! You’re supposed to be supportive! I gave him one year of my life. One year!” She cried out to me. 

“I’m sorry…” And I really was. Y/BF/N was emotional. She was the type to wear her heart on her sleeve. She wouldn’t think ill of somebody until they did something bad to her, that’s why all of our warnings fell silent to her ears. 

“He wasn’t a bad boyfriend. There was no way I could have suspected this.” She lamented. What she said was half true. He was a good boyfriend, always treated her very well but his actions were suspicious on more than one occasion. 

For instance, they had this “ritual” if you will. They would call each other every night to talk about their day and whatnot. But sometimes he wouldn’t answer the phone and tell her he was busy with work but could be seen partying with girls later in the media. She would ask him about and he would say it was for business and he couldn’t say no because then they would suspect something and he wanted to protect her. 

That was always his excuse.

“We can’t let him get away with this! We-” She said, all sadness gone from her face. 

“We?” I asked, cutting her off. I didn’t remember this being a ‘we’ problem. 

She glared at me and resumed what she was saying. “We -" she emphasized, "- have to make him pay!”. 

She looked at me expectingly and I sighed.“What do you have in mind?”

Hearing that, she grinned, looking at me with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

Like I said, Y/BF/N was emotional. She wanted revenge and revenge was what I did best. 

[mindmeltonabun-blog]

My Demon: Theories and Analysis for Eps 1-6

Hi Readers!

Let me start this post by saying what I originally wrote was just deleted after I hit the "save draft" button on Tumblr. I'm so pissed because I had spent hours working on this post!! For those who have followed my blog for a very long time, you know I usually provide a very in-depth analysis of dramas. 

Given what just happened and time constraints, I will keep this post very short. I may make mini posts next week to further elaborate on some points discussed here, but it just depends on if I have the time.

If you have any questions, please feel free to hit the "ask me anything" button and I will try my best to answer them promptly. I hope "My Demon" fandom won't be as toxic as the "Alchemy of Souls" fandom and misuse the "ask me anything" button to send me death threats or insults. If you don't like what I write, you can simply scroll along. The end. Also, don't plagiarize my shit. This was a huge issue during AOS and I really didn't appreciate it at all. If you want to use my ideas, give me credit for them.

Ok, let’s put on our thinking caps. Time to analyze and theorize!

Demons

In the context of this show, “demons” are individuals who used to be human but are now forced to fulfill human wishes in order to keep on living forever. The terms are simple: humans get their deepest desires fulfilled but will die in 10 years and go to hell. For demons, as long as they sign new contracts and collect souls, they won’t combust and be wiped from existence. It remains unknown how often demons must sign contracts/collect souls before they start to combust. Before demons were loan sharks, they were guardians of humans. 

We start this drama with Jeong Gu Won, who has lived happily for the last 200 yrs as a demon. Gu Won has no recollection of his human life. We don’t know if this aspect of Gu Won is something present in all demons or just him. Gu Won’s perfect little world is turned upside down after he saves Do Do Hee from Rash Dude aka Jeffrey Dahmer. Now, we don’t know why his tattoo was transferred to Do Hee but it’s implied the full moon and water had something to do with it. If you have read other posts of mine, you will know that when there’s a full moon it usually means a transformation and a new start. The whole falling into the water could be viewed as a sort of baptism, symbolizing the end of an old life and the beginning of a new life. I feel like before this show ends, Gu Won and Do Hee will end up in the water under the full moon again to symbolize Gu Won’s full transformation into a human. Like right now he’s like a quasi-demon haha. His transformation into a full human is currently ongoing. I think that as he starts to develop more human emotions/remember his human memories, his powers as a demon will begin to decline. 

Gu Won’s Past Life…A Story of Crime and Punishment

One thing I’ve learned from analyzing many dramas over the years is when a writer shows us a book or mentions a movie, we should look into them if we want a glimpse into what will happen in a drama. Now in Ep 1, you see #2 Wild Dog reading, “Crime and Punishment” by Fyodor Dostoevsky which was hilarious because he didn’t strike me as the type to read such a dense piece of literature. Seeing this book took me back to my high school days when we had to read and analyze this book. For those who don’t know, Russian works tend to be very long and are usually about suffering haha.

For the sake of time, I’ll you a very brief overview of what happened in “Crime and Punishment”. The story begins with a law student, Rodion Raskolnikov, who quits school because he can’t afford it anymore. The guy then has a mental breakdown of sorts and decides to kill the elderly owner of the pawnshop and her half-sister. He justifies his actions by rationalizing that by killing the pawnshop owner, he could take the valuables within her pawn shop and use them to fund his education which would eventually earn him a well-paying job. In turn, he would use the money earned to benefit the greater good. 

Raskolnikov saw himself as an Ubermensch (if you don’t know that means, I had briefly talked about it in my DAYS posts). He believed that since he was above everyone else, he was allowed to cross all societal, ethical, and moral lines because his success would help the greatest amount of people. The rest of the novel is about Raskolnikov’s internal struggles with what he did. He goes back and forth between confessing or not confessing to the murders. Eventually, the love interest in the story, Sonia, a devout Christian and source of morality for Raskolnikov, convinces him to turn himself in and confess. Raskolnikov ends up only having to serve a total of 8 years in a labor camp for the murders. While there, he finally realizes the errors of his ways and feels guilt for his past actions. He then was like “Sonia’s love saved me and I feel bad for making her suffer so when I get out, I’m going to repay her with infinite love for all she has done for me”. And bam! That’s where the story ends…with the start of his journey toward redemption haha. 

Gu Won is Raskolnikov in the sense that he thinks he’s better than everyone else and can therefore cross any line he so chooses. Based on a flashback in Ep 6, it seemed Gu Won had this kind of mindset even before he became a demon. So, what crime did Gu Won commit that landed him in Hell in the first place? I wouldn’t label it so much as an actual crime like murder but Gu Won probably got Do Hee’s past self killed. The guilt he felt after her death is probably what led to him become essentially trapped in a mental Hell, much like Madam Ju. Eventually, this guilt prevented him from entering heaven after he died. God/Lady probably took pity on him and offered him salvation in the form of becoming a demon; alternatively, it could be that God/Lady offered him a "sweet" contract where he could work as a demon in exchange for a second chance and a happier life with Do Hee in the future. Regardless of whatever the case may be, the important thing is that Gu Won needs to remember what happened in his past so he can seek forgiveness from Do Hee in the present and start his path toward redemption much like Raskolnikov. The truth sets you free haha. Gu Won is taking a step in the right direction though by protecting Do Hee. He could be like Raskolnikov and choose to give Do Hee infinite love for the rest of his life to make up for the horrible things he did to her in the past haha. Oh, one more thing for this section, the tattoo being on Do Hee’s wrist could symbolize that she was the reason why he became a demon in the first place. 

Murders of Do Hee’s Parents and Madam Ju/Who Is Abraxas

In my original post, this section was long, but as I previously mentioned, the stuff I wrote was deleted. I’m just going to give you the overall gist of it. I still think the person who killed Madam Ju was Ju Seok Hun and that the person who killed Do Hee’s parents was Madam Ju’s little brother/Seok Hun’s father. I don’t think Madam Ju directly killed Do Hee’s parents, but she felt guilty for their deaths because she covered up the incident to protect her little brother. After which, she cut him off and exiled him to Peru to live a hippie life haha. This is completely speculative though. Like we have two choices for who murdered Do Hee’s parents and Madam Ju. Choice #1 is Noh Suk Min and Noh Do Gyeong and Choice #2 Seok Hun’s father and Seok Hun. One argument I made for choice #2 is that if Suk Min and Do Gyeong were the real killers, wouldn’t the actor who played Do Gyeong be a main lead instead of a supporting character? Another argument was that Seok Hun has too many conflicting qualities about him. For example, he is a hippie who works in the corporate world and despite portraying a goody-two-shoes image, he suggests Do Hee should engage in some ethically questionable business practices like letting Mirae Investments buy shares of Mirae F&B to offset the losses. 

It’s also important to remember what Do Hee said about “sweet” things and how they’re always fake (except for Gu Won haha). Seok Hun is faker than acrylic nails. He puts on an act that he cares about her well-being when in reality, he hopes she dies. He must continue with this nice guy act because he doesn’t want her death to lead back to him. Just think about some things for a moment, if Do Hee died, who would the police suspect killed her? Would it be the people who openly voiced their disdain for her or the person whom she had a loving relationship with? It would be the former. The scene with Do Gyeong at the lockers is essentially Seok Hun setting him up to take the fall for Do Hee’s murder. At the end of the day, human greed is what drove Seok Hun to do what he did. Who knows, maybe his greed stems from being subjected to a frugal lifestyle while growing up. 

Crosses, Numerology, and Tarot

Amen, we are nearing the end. Ok, let’s keep going at record speed. So, crosses and Catholicism/Christianity are heavily present in this show. The same goes for numbers and tarot. They’re all connected. Some religious crosses can look like an “X” which looks like the Roman numeral 10. The number 10 is everywhere in this show. For example, the little girl was celebrating her 10th birthday and the Wheel of Fortune is the 10th tarot card in the Rider Waite Tarot Deck. Connecting numerology with tarot, the wheel of fortune represents the end of one journey and the beginning of another…1 + 0 = 1, where 1 symbolizes completion.

The clock in the promotional poster has a hand pointing at 10, which is different than the clocks seen at Gu Won’s place that only go from 0-9. While we are on the subject of 9, “Gu” means nine. Every time Gu Won started a new life, he named himself the next number following his current one. For example, he was Il (1) Won, then I (2) Won, and so forth. Now in his 9th life, he is called Gu Won. Get it? Ok, cool. What comes after 9? 10. After Gu Won completes his transformation into a human, he will be called Sip (10) Won haha. Additionally, did anyone notice the number 91 on the cake Do Hee baked for him? What’s 9+1? 10. 

Pay attention to the numbers in this show people! Always ask yourself what each number means and what it's connected to haha. When God/the Lady said, "I’m betting on all the odd numbers", many were like what does that mean? She’s referring to the numbers on tarot cards (Rider Waite Deck), which represent Gu Won and Do Hee. For example, which cards represent them? For starters, the 15th card aka the devil. 1+5=6 which is the lovers card. Another odd-numbered tarot card that is representative of Do Hee and Gu Won is the 9th card which is “The Hermit” because let’s be real here, they both were hermits before they met each other. The last major arcana tarot card in the deck is #21…THE WORLD aka GUARANTEED SUCCESS. So this is what God/Lady meant when she said she’s betting on all the odd numbers. It’s the writer’s way of telling us we are going to get a happy ending after all the chaos that will occur. 

One more intriguing number is 17. If you sniff around, you’ll notice that 17 is the number of years that have passed since Do Hee’s parents died. 17 is also the number of the coin locker where Jeffrey and Seok Hun exchange stuff. Hilariously, Gu Won’s passcode to his safe is “666”, which is the number of the beast/devil haha. In the newspaper clipping about the Sunwol Foundation, it said the theater was completed on June 7, 1977 and Gu Won’s name during that time was Chil (7) Won haha. The number 7 is seen as lucky in Korean and many Western cultures. 

MISC

The cross necklace Gu Won wears probably belonged to Do Hee’s past self or was given to Gu Won by Do Hee…..OH I just made another connection…..In “Crime and Punishment”, Sonia gave Raskolnikov a cross necklace. Also, in Crime and Punishment, Sonia was a prostitute and Do Hee was essentially one during the Joseon dynasty…. Kisaeng and prostitutes are basically the same thing haha. It’s also interesting that both Gu Won and Do Hee wear two necklaces, one silver and one gold. I wonder if there’s any meaning behind that.

In the newspaper clipping about Sunwol Foundation, the term 'Sun/Seon' is written in hanja and translates to 'to return/come back.' This element was part of Gu Won's original name, Yi Sun/Seon. Additionally, 'wol' means moon. Therefore, I interpreted 'Sunwol' to mean 'Sun and Moon' or 'Moon That Returns.' In a broader sense, Sunwol can be likened to the Taj Mahal—a building or monument constructed in memory of a beloved. One could also view Sunwol as a place that narrates the love story of the Sun (Gu Won) and the Moon (Do Hee) or as a place built with the hope that Gu Won’s beloved moon would return one day.

Ok, folks, that concludes this very brief TA post. WOOHOO! Sorry if there were any grammatical mistakes or typos, and if this post seemed a bit disorganized. I really have to get to bed and didn't have time to edit this haha. See you all next week maybe!

[finnglas]

gonna use tumblr like livejournal for a minute, just personal musings under the cut.

I'm so scattered today. I can feel my brain reaching frantically for anything it thinks will give us a little hit of dopamine to combat this horrible feeling of entering the pet-with-cancer gauntlet again. The last time I did this was in 2010 with my heart-cat, and it was fucking awful. I had nightmares for almost a year afterward where I would wake up screaming and crying from dreaming that she hadn't died after all and she'd just been slowly starving to death while I neglected her, or some other equally terrible narrative my subconscious made up out of the guilt of not being able to save her.

I'm hoping that in almost 15 years maybe my subconscious has learned some better coping methods than just torturing all of us.

It also means that I'm questioning any plans that take me away from home, or any decisions to change jobs or... Well, you probably get it. Her first appointment with the oncologist is Thursday, so we'll know more then. Feeling guilty that I have to request time off from work again right after I finally got my requested schedule, but they don't do evaluation appointments on any days I'm already off.

(Just talking out the guilt at this point.)

Anyway. I was going to talk about the projects I want to work on and how I can feel my brain fluttering around them like "maybe this would distract us." Let's see if it does.

I want to finish the final Maya & Grace story and collect them all into a little omnibus that I can do a print run of. Problems: I have to decide where I want them to go. It will also have to be a slightly longer story than the other two-and-a-half to make the collection long enough to print. I also want to revisit/rewrite "Shiver," since I felt like it wasn't ready to publish when I put it out, but I had promised a friend that we would both write Halloween stories that year and then they passed away over the summer, so I felt like I needed to keep that promise somehow. But it needs some finessing.

Night Is For Hunting needs some rewriting too. Basically what got published was my first draft. And that's how I learned that I cannot write to someone else's deadline, even with an extension. I'll have the rights for all three books back in April of next year (April? June?) and would like to celebrate by releasing the Director's Cut of NIFH so that I can get on with the business of writing Wilderness of Horrors.

I wanted to write a thoughtful blog-article type piece on the effect of economic class on my choice of narratives. I realized that I write a lot of stories about people's complicated relationships with their hometowns - wanting to leave, but also not feeling confident in where they're going. I read an advice book once that was like, "What does your character want?" and the answer to almost all of them was "To get out," and it really comes back to the fact that I write small town, working class characters as a default. And when you're from a small town in an economically depressed area, you understand from the start that there's not a bright future for you there. You can graduate high school and get a job at the 7/11 or the Piggly Wiggly and get married to one of your old classmates and have kids that you don't have the time, attention, or money to care for -- or you can leave. You can go to a bigger town with more opportunity and people you don't already know. And you might end up worse, but hey, the dice are there for you to roll. Add to that if you're queer or neurodivergent, especially in a time before the internet, and whew buddy! You've heard that all authors just write the same stories over and over? That's the one I keep writing. I guess because it's mine, in a lot of ways.

Blackthorn is languishing thanks to all the stress and stuff but it was going so well and I really want to finish writing it before I focus on the rewrite projects (there are three). But the rewrite projects are so seductive because lmao they're already written. I just have to fix them. And I'm so much better at fixing them.

All right. clawed myself out of the worst of the abyss for now.

[momentomori24]

Ok, ZERO ESCAPE 999. This game was a weird one for me. Definitely great, do not get me wrong--- I LOVE this game to pieces and after finishing this post I will finally start VLR during the weekend (hopefully), and mull over the characterization because what the hell, everyone is absolutely hilarious (Junpei, Snake, Seven and Santa specifically I'm looking at you)--- but it certainly left me with a bunch of questions to which I have no answers. Which makes sense considering the next game will most probably pick up where 999 left off so I won't touch on that too much, but everything really felt like a crazy, confusing, convoluted fever dream. In a good way. But still, very cryptic.

Speaking about fever dreams, June's situation is the most unique circumstance for a character I think I've ever seen. If I have everything correct (and correct me if I'm wrong), she originally died in the present timeline in the incinerator room long ago and somehow the Akane we meet in the Nonary Game exists simultaneously dead and alive at the same time in the aftermath of that event--- so basically Schrödinger's cat. The Nonary Game was set up to make Junpei save the Akane through telekinesis to create either a separate timeline or more likely influence the present one so that she can exist normally. That's why she's doomed to disappear in every ending; Junpei doesn't get to recreate that exact scenario in the incinerator room, so past Akane never reaches him and dies the way she was supposed to, meaning June ceases to exist as a consequence. And the burning fevers she would randomly get are her body reliving the memories being burned in the incinerator room 9 years ago. Did I get that all right? If so, then wow, that's not a twist I saw coming at all. Props to the creator of the game, but also how dare you doom my girl like this.

My biggest question how tho. I know that's not the best question to ask in a game where we are literally on the replica of the titanic, the exact same place where half of the cast along with other kids where brought to almost a decade ago because they were targeted by a supposed medical company and leader of said company is also part of our gang, forced into solving locked rooms while death hangs over their heads until 9 hours are over but our protagonist can turn back time without even knowing it every time things go bad, but still. If it's revealed later on then please don't tell me. If not, go ahead.

This is my second attempt to type this because my first drafts somehow didn't save and I'm too lazy to re-do everything so I'll bullet point:

•What happened to Santa in the true ending? Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think he was present during our car ride. Ace was there, though, despite being taken hostage by him and led away.

•So June is alive, right? Since we rewrote the timeline and helped Akane survive, what happened to her? She vanished on us during our confrontation with Santa, so where did she end up when everything was over?

•Who the hell killed everyone in the other endings? We know Clover goes crazy in one and Ace kills her in another, but what about the rest? We know it's not one of us because every single person we have gets slaughtered in the Sub endings with Junpei last. I did make post about it and I'll stick to what I said, but I guess I'll wait and see if the next game will answer.

•Who is Zero. That's it. I was thinking it was not Santa, to gradually being persuaded into thinking it could be him due to the evidence pointing into direction only for it to have really not him. He is actually more involved than most, but he's not the guy we're looking for (good). Give me answers, game.

Well, rant over for now. I'll probably slightly touch on VLR because I have an assessment to revise for, but I'm excited! I've heard a little about the gameplay and I'm really curious to see how it will pay out.

[philtstone]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

thank you so much to the lovely @tllgrrl for tagging me! without further ado ...

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

as of this one, 197! i have been on these fanfic streets for roughly ten years, it all tends to accumulate

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,056,672 ..... do with that what u will

3. What fandoms do you write for?

yall, this is a prolonged list. i dont think theres been a source material ive written for once that i dont randomly write for again every so often. i have 1-2 big phases per year, usually. just go look at my ao3 dashboard sdlkfjldskf

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

to the surprise of absolutely no one, all five are from the age old skywalker happy trash family au. thanks for being so consistent star wars fandom, ur all real ones <3 but also my writing has improved so much since then that occasionally the hingeless urge to go back and re-write every fic in that verse is real

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i try my best to! every so often life gets in the way, but especially in the last few years, i really try to engage with comments as much as i can. ive also been lucky enough to write in pretty small fandoms for the last couple years (ironically, given ive been in my second m*rvel era) so replying to comments has been a lot more intimate and friendly anyway

6. What is a fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

i was going to say "i dont know" because for the most part -- and especially my more recent fics -- everything ends up pretty consistently bittersweet. then i remembered vintage phil: "we want to live by each other's happiness", or the b99 captain america au

7. What’s a fic you've written with the happiest ending?

i tend to very consistently write things with shades of happy and sad. that said, some of my favourite purely "happy ending" fics include:

"easy, easy (my man and me)"

"i found a dream"

"hark the bluebells"

"i believe in you and in our hearts"

8. Do you get hate on fics?

eh, not really. i dont generally write chapter fic with controversial enough plot points and the unresolved nature of updating chapters to generate true "hate". i have gotten some really bizarre comments where one has to wonder what was going through the commenter's head when typing it all out, but most of those are not things that stick.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

not me feeling emotional abt my ao3 tenure .... 15 yr old me would have such a different answer ...

i write often and (i hope) as authentically as possible about lived-in romantic relationships, and as ive gotten older it has felt more and more organic to include scenes in and around sexual intimacy where appropriate. i dont think most people would classify that as "smut", though.

10. Do you write crossovers?

if i am writing an au, it is a true au, with the single and sole exception of the force sensitive claire au, which is, on a technicality, a crossover

it also is, on much less of a technicality, unfinished ...

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of and i certainly hope not!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

not to my memory

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

the closest ive ever come to this was, actually, writing the b99 cap au with maya Back In The Day. our tumblr messages used to just be draft upon draft of scenes evolving in real time. but never formally. friends are an integral part of the fic writing process tho

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

the world should know i am an anne-gil truther. blueprint if there ever was one

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

sadly, probably "happiness, like those palaces in fairy tales"; my beloved small time constance-centered parks-flavoured musketeers au .... my writing style has just changed so much since, and it was such a huge undertaking. i still have half of the unpublished anne/aramis flashback chapter saved in my google docs though.

16. What are your writing strengths.

ive been told im good at prose! and writing from childrens' pov, which i am fond of doing, though in a tragic turn of events i havent done much of it recently

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

as i see it, sometimes i dont know when less is needed for a fic to be more. often, this comes from a lack of clarity on my end re: what the fic is trying to be -- OR when im trying to write about something i dont really know. at the end of the day, though, this problem recurs because fanfic is supposed to be fun, so something being a bit too messy and a bit too long is not a huge deal to me. hopefully its also not a huge deal to my readers!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic.

u can pry doing this from my cold dead hands. & are also always free to criticize my phrasing and translations, lol, except for that one time i made bucky barnes speak farsi, which is a language i actually know

19. First fandom you wrote for?

star trek aos, baybeeeee

20. Favorite fic you’ve written.

IMPOSSIBLE QUESTION. i love many of my children equally!

here are some all-timers from those fics which i have not mentioned yet:

hopeful./summertime

and there's a keepsake my mother gave me

then she'll be a true love of mine

just to hear the nightbird singin'

my daddy was a prominent frogman

**

thank u so much for the tag my friend! i had heaps of fun. tagging @firstelevens, @sesamestreep, @sennenrose and @flyinghome-againstthewind as well as anyone else interested!

[bitletsanddrabbles]

WIP Wednesday: Alex Support Version

Since @alex51324 has been dealing with Obnoxious Crap (TM), I've tried to turn my attention back toward the Island for a bit. I got a bit further on the piece I wanted to work on...then this ambushed me.

It's ironic. When I started "An Armada to Sail On" the last person I thought would have a chapter was...

...okay, Syl, who still doesn't have a chapter. But he was pretty much tied with Gordon. Now, not only does Gordon have a chapter, but of all the chapters my brain has decided to occasionally go 'Hey, you know, we could expand on that' with, it's that one. Go figure.

And so we have the first Island Sandbox bitlet that officially ties in with another piece. It's also the first thing I hand wrote, then typed up. Roughly three days, four and a half pages handwritten, 832 words typed. I'm still counting it as a rough draft because I'm not certain about the ending. I'd planned on making it longer, but this seemed a punchier place to stop...if it's clear what happens immediately after the last line. If not, I can spell it out a bit more. And of course, I've not language checked the characters against the original yet.

Anyway, here is a Thing! Hopefully it gets a chuckle.

-

“Speaking of ‘stepping out’,” Eddy said, his eyes sliding Thomas’s direction. It was Saturday night and the RAMC boys had been gossiping about Theo and one of the newer blokes. “You’ve been spending an awful lot of your free time with Gordon lately. If you aren’t careful, he’ll scare off all of your suitors and you really will die an old maid!”

“Old bachelor, you mean,” Dave scoffed from Eddy’s other side. On the far side of Dave, Rouse rather pointedly focused his attention on his beer. “Or have you decided you don’t care ‘cause no one here’s good enough for our ice prince?”

Peter, sitting on Thomas’s left, frowned. “That was uncalled for.”

“And rather pointless,” Thomas agreed before calmly taking a drink. “After all, I’m already taken.”

Surprise erupted like machine gun fire from the entire group, except for Rouse. “By whom?” Eddy demanded.

Thomas looked at him as if he’d just asked where his own shoes were. “Gordon, who else?”

“What, really?” The other man frowned and squinted at him, clearly trying to figure out if he was taking the piss or not.

“Of course, really,” Thomas scoffed. “You just said you’d noticed.”

“I’d noticed you were spending time together, yeah, but not that you were…you know…” Eddy continued to squint at him a moment, then turned to Rouse. “Oi, Frank! Did you know about this?”

“Of course he did,” Thomas replied, saving the doctor the effort of reminding them all about patient confidentiality. “Gordon and I talked to him about it first thing.”

“Willingly,” Rouse confirmed. “I still can’t believe that part.”

Thomas shrugged and took a drink. “We wanted you to know what was going on, in case rumors started flying around.”

“Fair enough, I suppose.”

“But why him?” Dave demanded, the picture of indignation. His name was on the list of suitors Thomas hadn’t realized he’d had until after the fact. “What does he have that the rest of us don’t, besides a fucking mouth?”

“Yeah, that’s one thing you definitely don’t have, Dave,” Rouse muttered, just loud enough for the whole bar to hear. It earned him a couple of chuckles.

Thomas thought a moment, then shrugged. “None of your business?”

“Not saying a fucking thing against the lad,” Tully chimed in, topping off Thomas’s glass and giving him a carefully measured look, “but it does seem a curious choice.”

Well, if Tully was going to nose in, he supposed he’d better answer, at least if he wanted to keep getting free drinks on Saturday. “If you must know, he figured out the one thing I’d been waiting for someone to do and did it.” Thomas paused for a reaction and to take a drink.

“Namely?” Tully asked once he’d put his glass down.

“He asked,” Thomas informed him in the driest tone he could muster. “In plain English.”

“That’s it?” Eddy gawped at him as if he’d just claimed he was going to fly to the moon.

“But,” Peter protested, gently as always, genuinely perplexed, “other people did that too.”

“To right they did!” Dave scowled. “I know I did!”

“No you didn’t,” Thomas snorted, giving him a dismissive look. “You asked me to the pub and to watch the dart’s tournament. Next thing I knew, it was all over the island that I’d thrown you over for Nigel because I went to the concert with him.” Of course, Thomas hadn’t taken his rumored relationship with Nigel seriously until he’d suddenly cocked that one up too.

“Of course it was!” Dave blustered. “Why wouldn’t you have gone to the concert with me?”

“You don’t even fucking like the concerts, Dave,” Tully reminded him. The looks he was giving Thomas had gone from stern to speculative. “You never go.”

Thomas cheerfully picked up the thread. “And plenty of men who aren’t stepping out have gone to the pub together. Really, if father Tim asks me to come to the pub and I say yes, are you going to accuse our vicar of infidelity?”

“It’s not the same.” Dave insisted.

Thomas rolled his eyes. “If you were that interested, the least you could have done was offered to walk me home from church instead of expecting me to read your mind and know that ‘let’s go to the pub’ meant something more than ‘let’s get a bite’!”

“Richard did that,” Peter pointed out, almost apologetically.

“Yeah, my first week here when nothing felt real yet!”

Peter gave a little grimace and shrug, conceding the point.

Dave harumphed. “Yeah, well, you’ve been here years now. Would’ve thought you’d’ve caught on to how these things are done by now.”

Thomas gave the other man his nastiest smile. “Well, I haven’t.”

Eddy, who was looking between Thomas on his left and Dave on his right like he was watching a tennis match, apparently decided it was in his best interest to play peace keeper. “So, what? Gordon just asked ‘Oi, Thomas, do you want to step out’?”

Thomas watched Dave lift his glass to his lips, waiting for him to take a healthy swig before replying. “Actually, he asked me to marry him.”

[vestigialpersonality]

100-Question Durge Ask Game: Answered

The words weren't flowing today and my focus was too jittery to read, so I filled out Durge Ask Game 10th Edition instead. I know it's not the proper way to do things, but it was this or watching my in-laws play sportsball videogames and this was significantly more entertaining.

@daemon-in-my-head I had already finished when I sent that ask...but I was fucking mortified by what I had done and saved it in my drafts instead of posting. It took about two hours including intermittent breaks for doom scrolling. 😅

For clarity I'm referring to pre-tadpole as just Durge because he had five different names for every day of the week, whereas post-tadpole is Rune.

1) Any major physical changes? Any impairments? What are they and when did it happen?

As a whole Durge is basically a fancy flesh golem. He's not a shapeshifter like Orin, but pre-tadpole he practically lived behind the disguise-self spell. For the few people who got to see his actual face, he looks like an elf, or at least a half-elf, provided they don't too hard. Skin the color of a decaying corpse, black eyes, teeth that came from at least four different creatures. He's covered in scars in all shapes and sizes and kind of looks like he was pieced together like a cheap leather coat. Much like a tiefling, he's an obligate carnivore.

2) Post-Tadpole Durge is pretty messed up, what does past Durge think of these changes? Do they think it won't matter as they'll still be daddy's favourite assassin even with a head injury?

Pre-tadpole Durge would probably kill Rune out of ableist pity. Rune is suffering from speech aphasia, migraines, chronic pain, dissociative episodes, and damaged bones/musculature in his hands. The memory loss has also exacerbated some pre-existing conditions, like dietary restrictions not being met. Anxiety and depression have been cranked to eleven, self-worth is at rock bottom, self-control is all but gone.

3) Out of all the companions, which one would've been an easy victim for past Durge and why?

Gale, probably. Soft, friendly, easy to get in his good graces, but powerful enough that Durge wouldn't want to try to take him in an even fight. And Gale is probably the least inclined of the party to just straight up kill someone.

4) Would any companions have had any chances with past Durge? Who and why?

Astarion, full stop. They knew each other and Durge felt like Astarion would be a welcome addition to his stabby family.

5) What sort of 'real world' clothingstyle would past durge have loved? Are they the type to join a subculture like punk, goth, etc. (Aesthetically at least)?

Durge is a social chameleon, so really all of them. But given the choice he'd be wearing a three-piece suit. Rune is less picky and would probably wear whatever he could find in dark colors at goodwill. Jeans that mostly fit and a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off.

6) Speaking of clothes, streetwear or formal clothes?

Durge prefers formal all the way. He wants to make an impression. Rune doesn't care as long as it is comfortable.

7) Durge is old money incarnate, but what do they think of new money? Did their view change after their homemade lobotomy or meeting a young man with a quick and easy smile?

Durge thought the concept of social climbing was fascinating and watched Gortash's evolution like an experiment. Rune has little concept of money or wealth.

8) What's their aesthetic like? Describe it to me. Or better yet, hand over the link to that Pinterest mood board we all know exists (at least in theory, go do it).

Vulture culture at its finest. Bones and shiny things.

9) Any favourite flower? Did they actually decorate things with it or was it a secret hidden pleasure? Do they maybe just like the symbolism, smell, what have you?

Durge had a garden where he grew useful flowers and plants. He liked foxgloves in particular, though there was no special reasoning behind it. Rune has no feelings one way or the other.

10) Did they ever get to enjoy receiving gifts? From whom and which one was their favourite?

Not really. Gifts always come with strings attached and those that don't aren't actually meant for him, they're meant for someone's fictionalized view of him. Even Stillmaker was mostly unwanted and only accepted, strings and all, because it was useful. He did, however, collect trinkets brought to him by crows.

11) Hot or cold foods?

Hot.

12) Do they drink? Which is their favourite liquor? In what situation would they prefer a nice glass of a little something?

They drink, but don't feel any particular way about it. Alcohol is useful for social posturing.

13) How entitled is Durge on a scale of 1 to 'gods favourite little gorebaby deserves the world (or its end)'?

Probably at the lower end of the scale. Too much internalized guilt.

14) Favourite body part? And of whom?

He likes teeth in all shapes and sizes. Hyoid bones. 

15) Can durge ride a horse? Did they sneak around the cities rules pertaining the ownership of horses?

Yes. He grew up on a farm, but he doesn't own a horse of his own. He rode on most occasions when he had to leave Baldur's Gate. Rune may or may not remember.

16) Bribing or threats, which is their preferred method? (Murder excluded)

Depends on the day, though he leans more towards bribery. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

17) Bhaal, of course, has his favourite colours, but which colour is your Durges absolute favourite? Did it change after their brain was messed with? Can they even see colours?

He prefers a relatively monochromatic colors. Grays, dark reds, midnight blues, deep plums. His favorite color is similar to hex code #2a4d6b (dark steel-blue)

18) Their love language? Did anyone ever experience it in the past? Did they survive it?

Murder. Acts of service. Gortash and Astarion are both still alive-ish at the start of the game, so it wasn't always deadly.

19) Did they ever consider leaving the gate? What for and where would they go?

He has no particular desire to leave until his work is done. It's not home, exactly, but it's easier form a stronghold when not roving the countryside like a bandit.

20) Did they maybe even leave the Gate in the past? Why or why not? What kept them there or drove them away?

He's traveled a bit. He's been to Waterdeep and Elturel at least once, though had no desire to stay.

21) Bhaal despises hope, but what does Durge think of it? Is it fun to play with? A lil bit of sadism never hurt somebody or do they despise it too?

He won't give them the hope that they'll survive, but he will give them the hope that it will be painless. Durge doesn't play with his food unless someone has particularly stoked his ire. He feels he's acting out of kindness, that whatever horrific acts he's committing are for the greater good. In his twisted little psyche he's not evil and people should be thanking him for their deaths. 

22) What's their favourite crime? Excluding murder of course, pick another one beside that.

It's relatively minor, especially in the grand scheme of Durges, but busking without a permit.

23) Did they carry money around with them or was their name enough to pay for anything they'd desire (or the explicit death threats they'd mumble)?

They carried money. It was easier to buy silence.

24) The temple has a lending library. Did Durge use it too? What was their favourite genre or did they stay far, far away from books?

Durge loved to read and had a particular fascination with the rites and histories of other gods. Rune can read if he tries really really hard, but it's extremely slow going and gives him a headache.

25) City or village? What would they choose if they were given the choice?

Durge prefers the city. Rune wants a hovel in the woods with no one around for miles.

26) Durge is well spoken and presumably well read as well. Who taught them? Did they attend an academy?

Learned a bit at home before the incident, just enough to help handle inventories and read recipes. All the rest was learned at the temple and through determination.

27) At one point or another Durge had friends. What were they like? What was Durge's position in the friend group?

Durge was a social chameleon who was a lot of things to a lot of people, but there were very, very few he considered friends. Thomas was loveable if weird and would befriend just about anyone who spoke with him. Sterling was gruff and ran his band of thieves and cutthroats with an iron fist. Lily was a kind, grandmotherly figure who knew all of the neighborhood gossip. But he could count on one hand the number of people who knew him and he kept them all carefully separate.

28) Did they ever attend a street fair or similar city festivities? Did they enjoy it? What was their favourite part?

Durge loved festivals. So many people, so many emotions. Plus it was an excuse to be a bit goofy. Rune would hate them.

29) Did they ever attend a ball or banquet? Run me through their typical evening at one of these 'parties' and tell me whether they hated or reveled in it.

Durge hated them. He hated them with a fiery, burning passion. It was always a congregation of the worst of the worst and very rarely was he allowed to let his control slip. Rune would also hate them.

30) Which of the seven deadly sins would represent them best? Also pride is banned from the list, pick a 2nd one that would fit instead (listen I know y'alls Durges)

Envy, pride barely even factors into it.

31) Gambling? Yes, no, are they good at it?

Occasionally. He isn't great, but will absolutely cheat like a motherfucker. Rune is even worse, but may have a better poker face

32) Cigarette baron lord Enver Gortash would like to know if Durge would indulge themselves in his business or if they prefer not to? Did they try before or quit already?

Social smoker. Never buys his own, but will absolutely mooch.

33) What's one unique trait that you think really sets them apart from other Durges? It may be physical, mental, a worldview or a part of their backstory.

He genuinely doesn't believe he's evil. If you take away the murder and cannibalism he'd probably be chaotic good.

34) Flowery, sweet or spicy scents? Not to say, perhaps, musky?

He's fascinated by smells and tends to equate them to emotions and abstract concepts. His favorites are sharp and angry. Teak, cedar, steel, clove, etc. 

35) Melee or ranged? Arcane? Sketchy deals in a dark ally? (Fighting style, I mean fighting styles.)

Dual wield daggers or bare hands. He likes being close. But he's also flexible. Magic? Sure. Poison? Why not. Big fuck-off axe? Great. Whatever it takes to get the job done.

36) About the author; do you love them in a 'oh my precious baby' sort of way or rather 'I'm so sorry for what I'm about to do to you' way?

I'm sorry for what I'm about to do to you.

37) Do they like fish? Baldur's Gate is a port city, I'd imagine they've tried it at least.

He'll eat it, but they don't particularly care for it.

38) Also can they swim? How did they even learn it?

Yes. He lives in a port city at the mouth of a giant river. There were a few incidents that were literally sink or swim so he learned which.

39) Heat. How do they deal with it? Do they deal with it? What's their body temperature like, as in warmer, colder, perfect average? His body temperature runs unnervingly low. If given the option he'd nap on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

40) If you have any other ocs, do they exist in the same universe and did they ever meet Durge? What was it like and if they didn't, what would it be like? Would anyone survive?

Tav exists in this version of the universe. They've met. Larian made a browser-game about it. It didn't end well for either of them. They're still causing trouble for each other post-tadpole, Tav has just assumed a new name.

41) Dragons, Bhaal, Bane and Gortash love em. How about Durge? Are they somehow incorporated in their design?

Nothing particularly dragony, no. Maybe some teeth or a bone here or there. Bhaal just picked his favorite bits and pieces and slapped them together like a weird sculpture when making him.

42) What's a trait they have that you could never, ever guess from the way they look?

He really, really likes animals. Not just to eat. Rune collects animal friends like a Disney princess. Durge just had a murder of crows that he fed at the park.

43) Children, yes, no, how many, what's the best way to prepare them?

There is a lot to unpack in this one, though most is going to be answered in fic-format eventually. Want kids? No absolutely not. Full stop. He's meant to end life not create it. Have kids? None living. Like kids? Indifferent, but typically friendly toward them. Favorite Recipe? There is this apple-based glaze……… 

44) Abdirak my baby girl, what would their interactions have looked like? Did they ever meet pre tadpole? What is the gore baby thinking about the lady of pain's priest?

Still not sure if they've ever met before, but Durge would have absolutely LOVED to have an in depth discussion about religion with him. Maybe find some meditations on pain that helped with self-control.

45) Can Durge drive a carriage? Are they good at it? Would anybody survive if they were in control?

Nobody would survive. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

46) Night owl or early bird?

They sleep so little that the answer is both. But it's easier to work at night.

47) Also, open book or mysterious stranger?

Yes to both. Durge is an open book that is easy to read in the beginning, but the pages get harder to turn the further you get. The last pages are glued together. Rune wears his heart on his sleeve.

48) Pants or skirts/robes? And I mean this for every durge regardless of gender.

Given a choice, always pants. But choices aren't always available.

49) Top 3 favourite past times, cannibalism and vivisections excluded.

Music, reading, and people-watching (in the park, in the street, in their home at night while they are sleeping). Rune just seems to stare into the middle distance and snarl like a feral dog.

50) Do they do their own laundry or is it Scels job? How many shirts have been ruined by Scels hands already?

He is very possessive and doesn't like people handling his belongings, even something as trivial as laundry.

51) What do they prefer to be addressed as? Their name, title, nickname, pronouns or just as 'you'?

Another complicated answer. They prefer to not be addressed at all, but usually just nod and say "yup that's my name now". There are certain names and titles he hates less than others. If he had to choose The Inevitable would probably be his favorite. Chance and Rune are special. He actively hates Keres and denies Asphodel ever existed. Crane, Lily, Sterling, Thomas, etc are all masks he wears. He doesn't feel any particular way about them, though it makes him uneasy when certain people use them.

52) Open and honest duels, or back handed trickery? What do they prefer?

Surprise attack, roll with advantage.

53) Art gallery, opera or hunting tournament? Let's just play pretend those exist.

Art gallery.

54) Are they more of a sweet tooth, do they love it savoury or do they prefer their mouth burning from the hot spice? Perhaps they just prefer a neutral taste?

Savory. He's got dietary restrictions that prevent him from branching too far.

55) Did the gazette ever print an article about them (or their deeds), what's the headline and what did they feel about it?

Amusement. Typically it was a page-six type of article filled rumors or gossip. He's the embodiment of the black-eyed children urban legend.

56) Outdoors or stay at home kinda person?

Durge typically wants to be out with a crowd. Rune doesn't much care as long as it's quiet.

57) Did they ever hear about the great Wizard of Waterdeep, Mystra's Chosen and if they did, how? What do they think of him then vs now.

Probably, but it was discarded as currently irrelevant information.

58) Was it them who came up with the cipher or Gortash?

Gortash. Who likely also didn't come up with it and just stole it from somewhere.

59) Story behind their name? Is there any story?

Originally he was named after the flowers that were blooming where he was found. Astarion has now named him twice. Gortash named him once. He dislikes the name Gortash gave him, but can't quite explain why and has never mentioned it.

60) Their most treasured memory with Orin? Why do they treasure it? Love, spite, sibling rivalry win?

He got to teach her how to properly use blades. Taught her sword forms, how to properly clean a carcass, how to maintain her weapons, and he was proud of how quickly she took to most of it. She hated cleaning and sharpening her tools, though.

61) Dear creators, would you like for your own Durge to meet the Durge of another creator? How would that look like? Who would survive?

I can't pick. There are so many cool ones. Most would probably snap Rune in half like a twig, though. 

62) Hats. Yes, no, why? Took too long styling their hair? Everyday is bad hair day?

Preferably not, but a lot of times it can't be avoided. It's a sensory nightmare.

63) The sweet sweet smell of gore, we've all heard about it. But is it really sweet to them? Or does it just smell like metal and rot?

It smells like metal and rot. But it also smells like dinner.

64) Did they debate stealing anything else from Mephistopheles vault while already down there? If so, what item was it and what can it do? (Maks up some stuff)

There were a lot of sharp and shiny things, but it all went tits up about half way through and there was no time for detours.

65) Their sign(s)?

66) Jealousy, is it a problem, could they care any less?

Jealous? Not really. Possessive? Like a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. You can borrow his things, but never forget that they are his.

67) Speaking off, did they have any partners before the whole tadpole in their brain bit? If not was there a reason?

Durgetash is already canon in this version of the universe. He was also desperately fascinated with Astarion and his siblings. 

68) Pretty much 99% of the nobility and political leaders in Baldur's Gate is corrupt. What did they think of it? Did they enjoy the infighting and maybe took advantage of it?

Absolutely took advantage to make an obscene amount of money. Though only half of the jobs paid in coin. Anything conducted on Gortash's behalf was paid in weapons.

69) Worgs or Gnolls, which species is their favourite?

Gnolls.

70) Have they ever been imprisoned? Why, by whom, how fast did they escape?

Yes. Though usually it just served as a time-out when he couldn't play nice with Gortash. Made a scene at a nice event? Time out. Killed a person Gortash was trying to make a deal with? Time out. Light stabbing over dinner? Time out. It got worse as time went on, Durge got meaner with age.

71) Would they survive in modern times? Could they adapt easily or would they be desperate to return home?

It's a coin toss as to whether Durge would blend in perfectly or be incarcerated in the first ten minutes. Alone and without medical intervention Rune would sleep in subway stations until he snapped and ate someone's face. With assistance he'd probably become a semi-functional member if society.

72) They don't exist in Faerûn, but hypothetically speaking, which TV show/series would be their absolute favourite?

Durge would really love documentaries of all shapes and sizes. Rune would like trivia-based gameshows even though he'd never have the right answers.

73) What's their usual mood/state of mind like? Happy, focused, grim, about to snap someone's neck from irritation?

Happy on the surface, constant inner guilt and turmoil.

74) Graveyards, a nice place to hang out or a crime scene to be avoided? Did post tadpole Durge ever discover a gravestone dedicated to them?

There's at least six of them. Hell, there's a statue in The Wide, though it has a face that makes his skin crawl.

75) Would they prefer a small and cute pet or a large and scary beast? Besides Gnolls and Worgs that is. Just as a vibe.

The smaller they are the more he can have. Durge really likes birds. Rune doesn't care as long as they're soft

76) Did they ever tell the other Chosen about their own plans to rid the world of all life in father's name?

Gortash knows, Kethric doesn't as far as me knows.

77) Also, did they know that the others would probably betray them? Did they perhaps even prepare for it already, or were they oddly naive enough to trust them?

He had a feeling Orin's betrayal was coming, but he had a feeling that Gortash would be more agreeable once there was nothing left to rule over.

78) Do they wear accessories (earrings count)? Which one is their favourite?

Durge loved jewelry. He typically leaned towards silver. His favorite was a pair of earrings made of Orin's baby teeth. Rune adores his Ring of Resistance to Ants and he's going to turn Timber's skull into a necklace. 

79) What languages does Durge speak? Is there any interesting story as to how they've learned them?

He knows common and abyssal. He learned Abyssal thanks to his father (in Minsc and Boo's Journal of Villainy, The Slayer's statblock has abyssal as a known language). He also casts speak with animals without thinking.

80) What went through your head when you crafted these little Durge doll, dear creator? Are they a self inserted of sorts or as far removed from you as possible?

He has become the projection of my traumas and insecurities, just cranked up to eleven and with an extra dose of malice.

81) What do they think of bugs and arachnids? Annoying, gross, fun little creatures? How do they treat one of these things when they see them?

Bugs are fun. He'll clean up empty cobwebs and move living spiders to more prime locations. Rune is about to become the father of four phase spiders.

82) Sleeping. Do they do that? Do they avoid it? Are they generally unable to for one reason or another?

Avoid at all costs, both pre and post tadpole. Durge would stay awake until he was hallucinating and couldn't properly hold a weapon because there was too much to do. Rune is afraid to sleep because he horrified by the things lurking in the dark corners of his mind.

83) Coffee or tea and why?

It's a rare day that he says no to a hot beverage of any kind. He prefers tea because there is so much variety.

84) Realistically speaking, would Durge be able to sit down long and still enough for a portrait or would they move within 5 minutes tops? Any reason for that?

There have been at least two portraits. He burned one. Last he knew the other was locked in a vault he couldn't access in the counting house.

85) Would your durge like you? Why or why not? Would it depend on whether it's pre or post tadpole and would it change if they knew you're the reason for what happened to them?

Durge would probably leave me alone. Rune would almost certainly kill me if no one else was around. If they knew I was the author of their discontent they would both absolutely kill me.

86) Most Durges have piercings, tattoos or both. What's the story behind them? What's the story behind the lack thereof?

Two piercings in the lobe of each ear. No tattoos, but scars everywhere. Most of the scars are a running tally of murder. The rest are accidents, surgery, Kressa's delightful vivisection and, underneath it all, are a faint patchwork like his skin is made from different scraps and pieces.

87) Durge needs to spend a day with someone and they aren't allowed to simply murder their companion. What would they do instead? How would they spend that day?

Durge would go somewhere fun, preferably with music and dancing. Rune would go for a long, silent walk in the woods.

88) How do they wear their hair? What's their preferred style? Did their hair go thru any kind of changes, whether length or texture, at any point during their story?

Durge's hair is short, black, and impeccably groomed, though the color, length, texture and style vary wildly depending on his face. Rune's hair is black, unkempt, and looks like he cut it with a dull knife and no mirror because that's exactly what he did.

89) What's the easiest way to piss them off? Interrupt them when they're focused, wake them from a nap, ignore them?

Touching. Do not touch him if you want to keep your hands. Rune is only marginally less stabby about it.

90) Old blood gets crusty, a feeling most don't particularly enjoy. How do they deal with the plethora of blood and viscera they often face?

Durge spent an inordinate amount of time and money in bathhouses under many different names and faces. It was a good place to pick up useful gossip and bathing was practically a second religion. 

91) Does Durge have a loud voice or are they always asked to repeat what they said because nobody audibly understood em?

Durge typically wasn't particularly loud, but he was well spoken and liked using five dollar words. Rune has trouble stringing two words together.

92) Nail Polish. Yes, no, what colour, do they get someone else to do it for them? Do they even take care of their nails are they crusty and each one has a different length?

No nail polish. Despite looking (mostly) like an elf he has claws closer to a tiefling. Durge took rather meticulous care of them, Rune's are shattered and broken.

94) Dried fish/meat and jerky, apparently a really hot debate, but where does Durge fall? Do they like it, do they detest it, do they have a secret stash hidden somewhere?

Jerky is fine. It's better than fish, but only just.

95) Hyperfixation. Yes, no, what topic has their mind in a chokehold and how much do they enjoy info dumping?

As I mentioned above, he's fascinated by other religions. Specifically their funerary rites.

96) What's their personality type? Talking about the '16 Personalities' test.

Not doing this one. These personality tests give me anxiety.

97) How many blankets and pillows are in their bed at any given moment? Just one set for them to catch a bit of rest or is it more akin to a fabric fortress with comfy things galore? Any teddies?

Small bed with about thirty million blankets. All mismatched, nothing particularly fancy.

98) What's their sexual/romantic orientation? Do they themselves know? Do they simply not care as they're too busy being gods favourite little flesh baby?

Gender and physical appearance play no part in their attraction to someone. Durge likes them sharp and angry and willing to not touch him goddamned ever. Rune just wants someone who doesn't flinch when he looks at them, who will maybe pat him on the head and tell him that they can see he's trying.

98) Their favourite piece of clothing? Any story behind it or is it just too darn comfortable?

Durge will never admit it, even on pain of death, but he stole a nightshirt from Gortash once. Rune really likes the tattered blanket he's turned into a cloak, mostly because it's warmish.

99) Wild card - tell us a story, fact, idea you'd like to share about Durge or their creation.

Rune only happened because of a co-op playthrough with my spouse. It was a double-Tav party but their Tav was malicious. The initial spark for the whole thing was when I was talking to Timber and they came over and just punted her into a tree. As Tav. I really, really wanted to see what it would be like if an objectively evil Tav recruited a Resist-Durge, especially if they had history together.

100) Wild card 2

Every installment of my Durgetash series is going to be based off of a song from this album because it crawled into my brain nearly 25 years ago, hid in the walls, and died before I could get it out.

[americanrecord]

how do you plan your stories?

great question.

tbh, i don't really have an answer for this one! i don't wanna say it just sorta happens, but it just...sorta happens. on one hand, i send my friends 500 texts a day each about various things and then just stack thoughts and musings in my notes in the early stages, and then on the other, i make detailed outlines and go from there.

take the priest novel i just planned to start as of literally yesterday. it's been an idea in my head since november 2022, but it's taken so many forms since then, it's quite different now. as of right now, i'm just sending my aforementioned 500 texts a day—starting very small. character names, basic appearances, basic dynamics, and later on i'll move to bigger stones like character histories, overarching plots and arcs, and then into the building blocks of scenes, chapters, and The Novel.

so while i flip through baby books and shuffle through pinterest for inspiration, i also just have sporadic things that jump out to me and i hurry to pin it down. with the suicide blonde series (not the name, i just don't have a series name yet), i had a template of a series to jump off of and just changed and culled where needed. i hardly remember planning the original, but having a band timeline to base my arcs and general plot lines off of made things infinitely easier. i always knew, sorta, what i was working toward.

with the untitled priest story, i got nothing. this story is dust in my brain right now. i have an opening scene, i have an almost ending scene, i have the emotional climax, and i have various other visions in wisps that are out of order and literally just visions in my head. a lot of walks in the park (literally), an emphasis on meals and conversation as keys to the heart (body and soul), a phone call or two with an older sister, a fair deal of loveless sex. the works. i have three folded up sticky notes on my nightstand right now about the main characters' personal theory on grief being a bus that will never come that i scribbled while at work yesterday and makes sense to nobody but me. there are so many holes, so many stretches of nothing. granted, this will be an intense character study, single pov, lots of depressed monologue set beside lengthy conversations shared between the two mains, and a very small cast (my speciality and many others' personal hell), so plot isn't at the top of my list, but there still needs to be something. i haven't found it yet, but i'm only on day two out here!

when i do sort of establish all the major beats of the book, however, i will outline. so when people ask how i plan my books, i first say that i leave notes in places all over. i'm in a researching stage right now, so i write and sticky-tab and make notes in my notes app or amass everything on a doc, but i will also just have long notes in my notes app about scene ideas, themes, random bits of dialogue, etc. the second thing i will tell people is that i plan. i am a planner! always have been, always will be. if you are a pantser, i'm afraid none of my writing advice will be helpful. i've never been one to write something and say "oh, i'll see where it goes." no, i need to know. outlining may also save you re-reading a pantsed first draft and having to throw half of it out, because at least with an outline, however terribly written draft 1 ends up being, there is much more likely to be a coherent structure. but it's just personal preference. the type of outline i use depends on the book. with the SB series, i have a very, very large one that puts the chapter summaries (long) in boxes and also includes timelines, date stamps, locations (for touring), and personal timelines for character arcs, relationship arcs, band arcs, etc. so i don't lose track of anybody in my ensemble cast. they look a little something like this:

the outline is divided into three acts, each act 3 beats, each beat like 4 chapters, i believe. the standard set up is the 3 act, 27 chapter outline (3 acts, 3 beats per act, 3 chapters per beat). i just adjusted it for my 36 chapter deal (do not do this unless you want to meet publishable word counts, take it from me :|)

with this priest deal, however, it's much more minimalist. very ambitious in how smart it will have to be—how deep and thought-provoking, i guess—which is the big battle for me (the challenge), but very minimalist in setting, scenes, and expansiveness to make up for the intensity of the characters and their emotions. so the outline will probably reflect that and will probably be much smaller. it might still generally have the acts going on, the general beats, but because its not really a romance (it is, but it isn't (but it is)) and it doesn't have a big plot, the structure is looser. it's literary fiction in place of genre fiction, which isn't bound to as rigid of expectations such as where your inciting incident, climax, and resolution should be, etc. but i don't know yet, exactly, how this book will pan out. i'm excited to find out, of course, but i'm not certain.

i will just say that, for me, it depends on the needs of the story. some need more intensity than others and some appear in my head more vividly than others. i will never advise against outlining, obsessive note-taking, and productive research, however.

[the-down-upside-finch]

tell me more about this 'their people can't lie' thing.

I have some serious questions.

Firstly, when you say 'lie' do you mean literal lies or intentional misdirection but technically true. For example:

Character A: Who broke the vase?

Character B who can't lie and broke the vase: Have you asked Character C? They looked guilty earlier.

It's not a lie, because Character C did look guilty for an entirely different reason. Character B didn't admit to breaking the vase or not breaking the vase, so no lies were said. But Character B intentionally deflected the attention from themselves.

Would something like that be permissable?? Or is it like they can do no misdirection, no half-truth, no nothing. 100% honest truth. Someone asks who broke the vase, and they have to answer yes or not answer at all.

(such an interesting idea)

But also, on the flip side, if they can do the first option I gave you--is their culture very passive-aggressive??? or are they like 'rip off the band-aid get over it, it's the honest truth' sorta people.

(I have so many questions I'm sorry skldfjkdlsfjlkgs)

WAIT WHAT ABOUT IF THEY THINK ITS TRUE BUT ITS NOT.

Like if that character manages to convince themselves that something is true, to the point they believe it, can they do that?? how do religions work? Is it as long as they believe it they can preach it? Whether their beliefs are the 'reality' or not???

(this ask is so long I AM SO SORRY, BUT IT'S SO INTERESTING).

OHMYGOSH YES I WILL GLADLY TALK ABOUT THIS

(I haven't even finished typing everything and this got so long so I'm going to put it under the cut to make it less scary afkajdksdshfkas)

The general "rule" in this world is that beings with dragon blood cannot knowingly tell a lie. This tends to get very complicated in certain settings, but in the world of Stained Integrity, the lands are each dominated by one particular type of blood (known as that land's "root blood").

The kingdom of Elmal is where the root blood is draconic blood, so the culture of the kingdom has been formed on the basis that no one ever knowingly lies. (There is a slight split between the culture of commoners and the nobility, as nobles tend to be even more blunt with their speech than commoners are.) The resulting behaviors are very unconscious, as most Elmalians are raised completely unaware of the concept of lying.

If someone broke a vase, it's unlikely they would even wait to be asked about it because there is no shame in telling the truth. In fact, it would be weird if you didn't address the issue head-on.

I could go deep into the pragmatics surrounding speech acts, but for now I'll just say that "saving face" isn't really a thing. It's completely socially acceptable to greet a friend and say something like, "Orange does not look good on you," or "I can see the seam of your undergarments through your dress," and the like. (This is where the split between commoners and nobles comes into play, as commoners are more likely to wait to be asked their opinion rather than just making remarks.)

Naturally, this can be very unsettling to foreigners who are used to a different standard of politeness. This can lead to mistrust and even flat-out hostility towards foreigners, since Elmalians basically have no clue when or if they are being lied to and thus might just assume that anything a foreigner says could be a lie.

It also makes things very awkward if sarcasm gets tossed around.

Okay okay so what if, like you said, they think it's true but it's not? This is where that "cannot knowingly tell a lie" caveat comes into play because yes, if an Elmalian believes something to be true, it falls into the "truth" category.

There is a saying when it comes to Elmalians: "Honest on the outside, but incredibly dishonest when it comes to themselves." Allow me to share a small excerpt from one of my drafts:

"We tell ourselves lies to try and justify our actions, or to give ourselves hope when it’s clear that things are hopeless. It becomes... muddled, to say the least.” [Prince Mirak] leaned forward and folded his arms on the balustrade again. “I... didn’t truly believe that my mother was gone until my father remarried. I mean, I knew that she was gone, but...” “You had hope that she would come back,” LeRoy quietly said. “I... did.” The prince turned his head away. “I kept thinking that a miracle would happen, or that maybe a practitioner would discover a spell that could bring her back. I scoured the library, thinking that I might stumble across something in a tome that would have the power to return her to us. But... I never did.”

The short of it is, Elmalians can be really good at deluding themselves without realizing it. This also plays into a lot of other cultural "norms" that aren't questioned by Elmalians themselves because that's just what they've internalized as "truth."

One example of this is that, in Elmalian culture, you're kind of expected to have a life partner of some kind. This has created a "norm" within the culture that you should have a "complete" family unit. In reference to the excerpt above, the king remarried about a year after his wife died because his children needed a mother and he needed a partner. This, as you can imagine, causes all sorts of problems—but no one within the culture realizes it.

(Would you like to guess one of the subplots in this story? Here's a hint: two of the main characters are ace but only one of them has begun to accept it.)

But I digress. (I'll try to wrap this up since it's getting really long but I want to cover at least one more important point on this topic.)

One of the main characters, LeRoy, is a meld—which is someone born to parents that have different root bloods. (Basically a half-blood.) Melds are looked down on by just about everyone because they're seen as "incomplete."

But there's another problem, and that's the fact that LeRoy can lie.

You know how I said that Elmalians can be hostile towards foreigners because they don't know if they can trust outsiders? That's how most beings treat LeRoy. (He does lack specific physical traits that Elmalians have, making it pretty obvious that he's a meld.) It's not like he tries to lie, but there are times when he might slip up unintentionally and deflect without telling a truth or a lie. (Small habits he learned from his mother while she was around.)

So... Yeah. It's a good thing the guy is built like someone that wrestles bears as a hobby or he'd probably have it a lot worse.

I do want to mention that there are some things that even Elmalians would be inclined to keep secret—such as being a member of an underground guild of bounty hunters where you'd be required to assassinate anyone that figures out your identity. But keeping secrets does weigh heavily on Elmalian minds, since being upfront and honest is just how they live.

OKAY I THINK I COVERED ALL THE STUFF IN YOUR ASK? If I missed anything just let me know and I'll ramble some more haha

Thank you for the ask!! It makes me so happy that you're curious about my worldbuilding.

[larcenywrites]

Hello! Tell me, please, do you respond to all people's messages or do you miss some? It's just that a few days ago I sent maybe..four messages... And they remained unanswered. I'm just afraid that something is wrong with my smartphone and I didn't send them at all :(

I likely did see them! And even the day or three after I try to get to them, or I set them in my drafts to answer later (and sometimes forget). I usually see all of them, but I get a lot of submissions and sometimes the conversation is carrying in a certain way (or I wanna start a certain kind of convo at the moment) so I get to the ones based around that topic first! But I don’t always have a lot of time, and there’s certain ones I wanna get to first because some I have to think about a little more. I know there’s like four form last night I wanna answer still 😩 and some I’ve had in drafts for a day or two that are half answered. But then when it’s kind a late and I’m like “oh, I’ll go to bed and get back to it tomorrow” then there’s a few more when I wake up… and then when I answer those it prompts more… I’m not very good at tumblr 😅 And there are some that I know I’ve answered like an entire week later 🤧 or some I’ll save for when like, it’s a slow day, or a certain topic that’s been repeated in a few asks, or maybe it’s something I can answer later when I wanna talk a certain topic again! Idk which ones you sent in, but I’m sorry if it feels like I’m ignoring you :((( I try not to! There’s also some asks that I really wanted to answer, but then I had to do something rq or answer a text, and then when I come back it didn’t save and I’d have to type out that entire response again and 😩😩😩😩

[hhughes]

౨ৎ ‧ 𝐒𝐀𝐃𝐈𝐄 𝐇𝐀𝐖𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐒

𐙚 ─── pairing: violet kingston x luke hughes

𐙚 ─── summary: in which luke hughes falls in love with his best friend

𐙚 ─── word count: 1.6K

𐙚 ─── a/n: it felt fitting to start the new account with my oldest au but also a piece you haven’t seen before x this one has been in the drafts a while… I adore high school luke and vi so much🥺 as always I hope you like it and please tell me what you think. I feel like a lot of out luke and vi pieces, especially the younger ones, really showcase luke's adoration for vi, and this really gives us more of an insight into how smitten violet is for him <3

“don’t start,” violet states when she arrives at their chosen table at the cafeteria, her and dylan the first two to arrive as usual.

“I didn’t even say anything,” he defends lifting his hands and violet sends him a knowing look as she takes the seat across from him

“not yet. but by that little glint in your eye I can tell you’re about to and you can save your breath. I’m not asking him, I'm not even sure I'm going," violet says and dylan lets out a frustrated sigh. he's been trying to convince her to ask luke to the sadie hawkins dance for at least two weeks straight but to no avail.

"I'm just saying, if you don't ask him soon, you might miss your shot. another one asked him today, that makes it what? three total..." dylan says and violet freezes mid-bite, lowering her apple and staring wide eyed at her friend

"who?" violet asks, her heart squeezing a bit at the thought of Luke going to the dance with someone else

"veronica williams," dylan asnwers and violet's face immediately turns sour. the nerve of that little -

"why are we talking about her-who-shall-not-be-named?" luke asks as he gets to the table, taking his regular seat next to violet, his arm automatically looping around her waist. he smirks as she slaps his hand when he reaches for a cracker in her lunch box, squeezing her hip in retaliation

"just telling vi who asked you to the dance today," dylan answers innocently and luke shrugs when he feels violet's eyes on him

"don't know why she bothered asking me, she knew I was gonna say no," luke says and dylan hums in agreement. it was a well known fact that violet and veronica didn't exactly get long, to put it lightly.

what started out as an innocent kindergarten friendship blossomed into a toxic competitive rivalry at the end of middle school and ever since then veronica has made it her mission to try and upend violet on every little thing. violet was almost sure half the extra curriculars she did was just because violet showed an interest in them.

violet didn't care when veronica ran for student government, or applied to be the head editor of the school paper, or challenged her for captain of the dance team. violet thrived off a little competition and she loved winning fair and square, as she often did in these little battles between her and the other girl.

violet couldn't quell the growing ball of jealousy, annoyance and insecurity at the thought of veronica going after luke. violet wasn't oblivious to the other girl's model-like appearance, and most of the time she was actually quite nice, when her attention wasn't directed towards violet.

dance captain, president of student government and editor of the school paper? those were all things violet would be more than happy to give her. but luke? her luke? was not something she was okay with sharing. violet knew luke wasn't even veronica's type. she was only doing it to get a reaction...

"easy tiger. are you missing the part where I said heck no? s'no need to get yourself worked up over it vi, you know that's what she wants. and then you have to deal with all that at cheer practice," luke reasons

"I'm quitting cheer," violet announces and luke pulls away to look at her, but she clenches the sleeve of his hoodie on the arm around her waist, keeping him close.

"what? why? if this is about veron-" luke protests but shuts up when violet stuffs a cracker in his mouth

"it's not. I've been wanting to quit a while. I only did it because I wanted to try something out of my comfort zone. and I did, but I don't love it, not like I love dance, and I would rather spend more time doing something I love. besides now I have the time in my schedule to coach your little cousin's winter concert-"

"violet, you don't have to quit cheer to choreograph my little cousin's first grade concert. I promise you no one is gonna remember it in a few years," luke says, pushing his lunch bag closer to her as violet steals a chicken nugget from his container

"she's gonna remember it. why are you so against me quitting cheer anyway? I thought you hated it?" violet asks

"I don't hate it, I just hate the way the football players think that you being a cheerleader means that they have the right to flirt with you 24/7. like what is this? high school musical?" luke grumbles and violet smiles

“gabriella wasn’t a cheerleader…” violet replies amused

“and troy wasn’t a football player…” luke responds

“so what exactly is the high school musical reference?” dylan asks

“you know… stick to the status quo or whatever,” luke mumbles, throwing dylan with a crumpled piece of paper

“you know what I’m gonna miss about cheer?” luke asks, his hand ending up on violet’s thigh and she places hers on top of his

“what?” she asks and he smirks slightly

“seeing you in the uniform,” luke teases and violet playfully pushes his chest

“I can keep the uniform,” violet teases back and luke’s eyebrows raise

“oh? you gonna come wear it at my games? be my personal little cheerleader?” luke asks, his head dropping closer to hers and violet is hyper aware of his nose being centimetres from hers

“you wish,” violet breathes and luke grins

“a man can dream,” luke teases, leaning back with a hand on his chest

“a man can dream to disappear and no longer be witness to this,” dylan mumbles and luke kicks him against the shin

“you uh- going to the dance?” luke asks, scratching the back of his neck, his nervous tick showing and violet smiles slightly

“I’m thinking about it,” she replies

“you should wear red if you are. it’s your colour,” luke says, knowing he already has a number of red ties in his closet

“everything is my colour,” violet teases and luke grins, kissing her on the cheek

“true,” he says, tugging on the strings of the hoodie she was wearing, not even noticing its the very one he was searching for that morning.

. . .

“can you calm down? what’s the worse that could happen? he says no?” violet’s little brother asks and her horrified gaze snaps towards him

“oh my god! what if he says no… what if he thinks this is totally lame and he’d rather gauge his own eyes out than go to this dance with me,” violet says and daxton just stares at her for a few seconds before glancing at her poster and back up

“I think it’s sweet and if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t deserve to go to the dance with you,” daxton says folding his arms over his chest and violet smiles at her little brother

“look he’s coming,” her brother says excitedly, and she spots luke on the ice instantly, feeling her heart speed up in her chest as he skates over to them, a puck in his hand

“here you go bud,” he calls, throwing the puck over the glass for daxton before directing his attention to her

“that for me kingston? you gonna let me see it?” luke teases and violet blushes, shakily opening the poster and pressing it against the glass so he could read it.

hey 43, do me a hughes favour and assist me in scoring a date to sadie? 🩷

violet feels like her cheeks are on fire by the time luke finishes reading and sends her a big grin.

“I thought you’d never ask,” he teases, pressing his hand flat on the glass and violet mirrors his action

at the end of their winning game, luke couldn’t wait to get off the ice, shower as quick as possible and go see his girl. doing a little jog towards her and picking her up in a bear hug when he’s in touching distance

“lemme see it. lemme see it,” he says excitedly and violet giggles as he puts her down, reaching for the poster

“can I keep it?” luke asks, clenching the poster tight and violet nods

“thanks for coming, where’s dax?” luke asks, grabbing violet’s hand as they make their way out of the building

“probably passed out in the car by now,” violet jokes and luke squeezes her hand

“are you coming over for dinner tonight? you have to… I have to show mom your poster. she’s gonna love it,” luke pleads

“yeah I can come to dinner,” violet agrees, pulling out her phone to text her grandma. never being able to say no when he pulls those big puppy eyes on her

“so what colour dress you wearing?” luke asks as he puts his gear in the trunk

“red,” she answers sheepishly and luke smiles, hooking a finger in her belt loops and pulling her into him

“what are you doing?” violet giggles as luke teasingly lifts the edge of her hoodie

“checking to see if you wore the cheer uniform,” he says and laughs as she swats him on the arm

“are you insane? its way too cold. and I think I embarrassed myself enough for one night,” violet replies and luke pecks her on the nose

“I think you looked cute. standing there with your little sign. I’m gonna woo you with my dance moves,” luke teases moving his legs an attempt of some sort of shuffle move and violet laughs

“are you laughing at me?” he asks, tickling her waist and pulling her into another hug

“those legs were made for skating lu, definitely not dancing. lucky for you, you have a super good teacher,” violet says and luke hums agreeing, pressing a kiss to her head

[hatenote]

this is a very morally bad thing I wrote (and the shittiest first draft). we’ll say it got leaked to the person I’m addressing here; that’s his wife. I haven’t been able to sit through reading it because I don’t know why I’m like this. but I’m going to now. I’m going to dance for a sec, and then I’m going to make some concessions. and then I’m going to move on from my misbehavior. honestly I hope she moves on too.

---

This is meant to wreck your marriage.

But it’s not your fault. Well- it kind of is. Because why the fuck would you cheat on him so close to the wedding? And with your ex at that..? Girl? Are you okay? So I’m not a huge fan of you to begin with, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m likely to have made the same choices either way. And obviously he shouldn’t have married you in the first place, but if I ask him why he still went through with it, I’m gonna get some lackluster, lack-of-logic, half ass answer that’s gonna piss me off. I’m sure you know the vibe.

So at the end of October when you asked “what I was doing” to be reaching for your man again in spite of all the little things I may or may not have already known about why he always wants to fuck me back, I should have simply told you I was doing my best to take him. I did ask him if I could just be honest and say exactly that, but he told me no. I wonder how much trouble I could have saved us all if I would have said it anyway. At least then you could have known to stay much more watchful. And maybe then he’d be too mad for there to be anything left to keep an eye on. But there always is with us, isn’t there? I don’t feel bad for you. You should have known.

And now you know that 10 days into November, we fucked regardless of what you thought about it. It was stunning. We have the kind of sex that gets better over time, every time. He makes me feel so beautiful, and watching him cum inside of me is the very pinnacle of my sexuality. He put his belt around my neck and it felt so amazing that I asked to keep it. I still daydream about some of the ways he looked at me, and that belt is proof I’m not making it up. We weren’t ever going to let anything you said sway us out of it, but your blessing would have helped us a lot.

It’s also important to note that we’d been talking again way longer than the single day I fessed up to, and it’s because he came back to me. I’m always the one who comes back but that time it was him- after a whole year. That’s crazy because I bet I was almost well enough to let him go. So we were probably talking again for closer to 3 months, and I’m probably in love with your husband. I don’t know what you think you need to be so worried about though. I ask for him all the time and it is absolutely to no avail; he comes home to you every night no matter what.

That’s tough because I’m definitely in love with your husband. His touch is electric. I have grieved very deeply with him about things he doesn’t know I knew to cry about. I remember way too much about the first night I met him. That was a long time ago and those memories manifest like feelings. I pay a special type of attention to him when he’s around. I can’t keep my hands off him. It’s easier for me to forgive him and make amends than it is for me to stay mad. I wanna heal him so badly.

I should say something about how and why the things I just mentioned can coexist with the intention I shared here at the beginning. It’s not because I get the boy if I succeed in pushing your marriage to the breaking point. I already double checked. He said this wouldn’t be anything to we could progress from. So to make a really long and terribly nuanced sequence of events much shorter, the answer is this: I am hurting incredibly.

Maybe by this point you’re hurting a little too. That’s okay. You deserve it. I think you’ll stay mad for a really long time but I don’t think you’ll leave him. At least not permanently. And I don’t think you love him at all. I think you like having possession of him and if that’s good enough for the both of you then it’s a good thing you won. I give up. There isn’t anything left to watch for.

Love him if you can.

[friedesgreatscythe]

ARR speedruns are getting me through late winter into early spring, as well as allowing me a chance to come up with different characters to give AU Eorzea adventures. I've perfected it from about 10 days in February, to three days in the Eren Jaeger run last month, to possibly 20 hours total in my current Twilight Princess!Zelda run. I'm taking a break now because I'm holding myself accountable to productive decisions lol But considering the rate I've been going I'm almost posi I can manage at most a 24 hour run time.

I've perfected little ways to make it go by as quick as possible: start on Dynamis (NA data center that gives a massive exp boost) and always have food handy for another bit of EXP boost (if an FC invites you and has an EXP boost as well, all the better, but you don't have to rely on this); use NPCs in dungeons and pull big mobs if you're DPS or healer (the tank is beefy and the healer can keep up with him, but i haven't tested out the combo of you tanking + NPC healer yet); sign up with every chocobokeep at aetherytes so you can pass between settlements without spending much gil; use the airship service liberally to also save gil; if you go archer/bard, always use peleton to make sprinting faster; skip cutscenes (which i only condone here bc i've played the game before) and make the language Japanese and the text 9+ speed for the ones you can't skip. For the grand companies, the Immortal Flames or Twin Adders are the better choices since their headquarters are so close to major aetherytes (and will load in faster as opposed to Limsa, where everyone is all the damn time).

Using all this, I started the conjurer/white mage Zelda cosplay run yesterday at 12:30PM and got her to level 50 and unlocked Brayflox by 2AM. I did have to take a break for dinner, so that added about a half hour to the run time, and I did do two side dungeons for another boost of EXP, so that added to the time as well. I don't have gear good enough to solo dungeons at this point, but I can turn in the silver chocobo feathers I have to get some relic gear to help with iLvl and stat increase.

You may be asking yourself, "Krist, why are you doing all this?" And the answer is simply: so Twilight Princess!Zelda can get the Torgal mount and fit my own personal satisfaction of having a lore appropriate mount from her game lmao Also to keep seeing how fast I can get through ARR at this point.

The FFXVI crossover event lasts til May goddamn 8th. I have over a month to do it, but I have an awful sense of FOMO and an insatiable need to put pressure on myself to succeed, so this is how I've tried to come to terms with that. Even though I'm never satisfied with what I do. Even with all these accomplishments, I went to bed last night thinking, "What a waste of time, you're such a loser." And hey, that could be true, but as long as I'm applying myself to things that will actually help me in real life, I don't see the problem.

Which is why I'm spending the day typing up my rewrites draft notebook so I have that to work on in the oncoming draft.

Accountability. Productivity. Accomplishments. I'm capable of all of these, and now I just need to make sure I keep doing them, and that I include myself in these efforts. Looking after my mom and now my stepdad after his sciatica flare up has made me more aware of how easily and readily I'll set aside what I want and need to do for someone else. Reassuring my sister that I'm available to help whenever she needs it makes me aware of how quickly I'll reach out to someone else, but never think to offer that same support to myself.

My goal for the year is to finish this draft--polished, finished, ready for beta readers--by Thanksgiving at the latest. I know I can do it. I know I need to focus, to reach out to other writer friends who are on their indie pub journeys, or keep track of their progress and how they're handling themselves. I need to be more supportive to myself. I need to celebrate how determined I am, even through the hardship and discomfort of having no financial independence (and the BPD impulsivity of overspending when I do have money, combined with the PTSD sense of foreshortened future. Why save money when I can't imagine a need to support myself because I can't imagine wanting to live [which is different from wanting to die, it's simply a total apathy to the concept of existing and wanting to do so]).

I just... need to be better to myself. I need to jump to my own needs the way I do for others. I need to reassure myself the way I do for others. I need to set goals in the immediate and long-term future and meet them, and be proud of meeting them. I need to start looking at my life and what I'm doing in it as things that are good, and useful, and valuable, and necessary, and wonderful, because no one and nothing else is going to give me the life I'm desperate for. I don't get a second chance at this. It's not something I can start over. I'm alive now, whether I like it or not, and I have to keep dedicating myself to things that make me like it.

Even typing that out makes me scowl or cringe away from the very idea. But why? Why don't I want to make myself happy? Why don't I want to make my life better--to make my life my life, how I want it? Why can't I just... be a healthy person? Why can't I like myself--not even love, just like? Why am I repulsed by the very idea of taking care of myself? What happened to make me this way, and how can I fix it?

[btsxmalereaders]

☆ Even in zero gravity, I would still fall for you!

♡ pairing — bang chan x male reader

> genre — fluff | f2l

> word count — 4.3k I don't know how this happened

> summary — chan realises he likes you by not being able to use pickup lines on you

> a/n — i saw a tiktok where chan says he's gonna use a pickup line on felix and my love-deprived self ended up writing this lol i hope you all like it

| 05282021

| Please keep making more whosfan accounts and keep streaming WOLFGANG on the correct platforms!

"Hey, how you doin'?" Chan casually says as he enters the kitchen, trying not to grin and start giggling right away. He even places his hands over the table and tilts his head a little in an attempt to look confident. Felix takes his attention away from the food he is cooking and turns on his feet to look at him with an eyebrow raised.

"Good?" He answers with an air of suspicion. "Why?"

Chan finally lets out a small giggle, "Oh nothing, I was just thinking that... I am not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together."

And Felix thinks it's a creative pickup line, funny even, but what ends up making him laugh is the way his best friend bends over to start laughing louder and the way his cheeks turn reddish at the embarrassment he's probably feeling.

"That was a good one, I must say," He chuckles. "Not as great as the Optimus Fine one, though. Even if it made you laugh for ten minutes after you said it."

And Chan can only laugh harder at the remembrance, placing his hands over his slightly aching abdomen and gasp for air when he can't handle it anymore. Felix giggles as well and denies with his head, going back to stir what's on the pot.

"Stays keep getting creative when it comes to flirting with you," He speaks again as the laughter finally dies down. "They probably think you might use it on someone you like, and you're here almost crying because you use them on us."

Chan hums, "Well, I don't really like anyone right now."

Felix turns off the stove and makes a -dramatic- pause, turning again to face Chan as he gets closer and squints his eyes. "I don't believe it."

"What?" Chan laughs. "Why would I lie?"

"I don't know, but I don't buy it. Maybe it's the love songs you have as drafts in your laptop."

"Ah, that doesn't mean I'm in love," He explains and takes a seat in front of him, nervously scratching the back of his neck. "That's why they're still drafts, though. They don't convey the feeling of being in love because I am not in love, you know?"

"Good point, but it still doesn't convince me."

"Why?" He asks again with a chuckle, a little embarrassed by the sudden interest in his - nonexistent - love life. "You know our activities barely give us time for ourselves, so it's almost impossible to have a relationship with someone. At least a formal one."

"You can still like someone and not be with them." Felix shrugs. "So spill it. Who is it?"

And Chan knows he's just messing around with him, but he can't help but feel flustered. "No one! I think so." He almost says it in a whisper; however, Felix doesn't comment on it.

"I still want to listen to those drafts," He stands up and smiles. "Why don't you show me?"

This was not the way Chan expected the conversation to go, so he hesitates a bit about his friend's request. Well, it wasn't unusual anyway, at least Changbin had heard a couple and also helped in the composition of the songs, so having someone else hear them wouldn't hurt. He might even listen to ideas on his part to improve them.

"Okay, I can do that. Next week Y/N will come to the studio and work on something, why don't you pop-up at some point and I can show you?"

Felix nods, "Sounds good! Y/N asked for help for his new album?"

"Yeah, he wants me to listen to some tracks he has been working on." He casually comments, taking his phone from his pocket and leading his attention to the device, so now Felix can't see the slight blush on his cheeks.

"Hm, I haven't seen him in a while. Why hasn't he come to the dorm lately? We should invite him."

"He has been busy with his album, that's why. If you think I leave late from the studio, that's nothing compared to him, he truly spends an ungodly amount of time there."

"So you see him often?" Felix asks with sudden interest, now being aware of how Chan's ears are tinted pink.

"You could say that, yeah. He also spends time on my studio whenever he has the chance. And vice-versa." He shrugs, not finding it odd. You two were really good friends, so it was a normal thing for you to do. "Why?"

"Nothing, I was just curious." He mischievously laughs. "So, next week, you said?"

After a quick glance at the time on your phone, you decide to stand up and stretch your body. It's been a long time since you started working, and you still have a lot to do; and on top of it all, the progress you've made tonight doesn't totally convince you, and that just meant you'd be spending more time in the studio.

As you take your phone again to read your notes, a notification pops up on the top. You weren't supposed to meet up with Chan until later, but in the new message you just received, he tells you that he's free from working on his stuff and you could go earlier if you wanted.

You decide to go; after all, it was nearly impossible for you to concentrate again, and you truly needed to know what does he think about the tracks you sent him a few days ago to finally make an advance. So you grab your laptop after making sure you've saved the changes and the cup of half-drunk coffee, walking out to the long hall and taking the elevator to an upper floor.

The soles of your shoes are dragged across the floor all the way to the studio's door, where you softly knock a couple of times before remembering you already know the password to enter. Your fingers press the buttons, entering code you know by heart at this point, and the door quickly unlocks, making Chan to look your way and greet you with a smile.

"Hey, how have you been?" He sweetly says, seeing you entering the room and placing your belongings on top of the big desk in front of you and taking a seat on the couch behind him.

"Busy. And tired." You murmur and let out a sigh. Chan immediately plays a song at a low volume and takes seat next to you.

"You're still struggling with the track you told me about?"

You nod as an answer and pout, "I am desperate. It's like, no matter how many times I rewrite the lyrics or change the beats, it still doesn't convince me at all and I hate it."

"I get it," He sighs. "But don't worry about it, I'm here to help you out."

And Chan isn't someone who breaks his promises, so the following hours are spent listening to your music, carefully reading everything you've written so far, listening to your ideas and giving you advice.

In between work, he tells you every other joke to make you laugh and feel at least a bit less stressed; and it works wonderfully since he has a long list of dad jokes that take you off guard, plus his laughter is contagious, so not laughing with him is impossible.

It's no surprise that his advice and opinions are so accurate to the point of clearing your mind and helping you out of your creative block. Chan has always been hard-working and so good with words that every time you engage him in conversations, you feel more relaxed and less burdened. No matter what situation you had a problem with, Chan would always help you find the best solution for it. Maybe that's why you admire him so much, maybe it was one of the many reasons why you didn't hesitate for a second to go to him and find security in his presence and words... Maybe it was one of the thousands of reasons why you had romantic feelings towards him...

"Is it better now?" His voice takes you out of your thoughts. He's sweetly smiling at you; he probably realized you got lost on the way his lips were moving as he told you his thoughts on the recent draft of your song.

"Yeah, yes, honestly, you've helped me so much. I don't know what I'd do without you." You smile and go for a quick hug, taking the opportunity to ruffle his hair. Your fingers sliding between his soft and messy curls and making him fondly smile in the process. "You're my hero. I mean it."

Chan chuckles and can't keep his eyes off you as you type something on your laptop and hum. He recalls the conversation he had last week with Felix, and that ambiguous feeling settling on his chest makes him wonder if, after all, his friend was right. He doesn't remember when was the last time he felt the urge to hold someone in between his arms and dearly appreciate, and he wants to know why he smiles and feels his stomach tickling when he sees you.

Maybe it's because you spend a lot of time with him, a voice inside his head says. But he doesn't feel this way with any other friend.

Maybe it's because you have known him for a long time and you just appreciate him a lot, the voice tries again. Maybe. He finally gives in at the last thought. He'd have to figure it out.

His phone buzzes inside the pocket of his jeans and he takes it, knowing for sure it's a message from Felix.

"Felix is arriving in a few minutes." He murmurs, making you take your eyes off the screen. "He wants to listen to some songs I have, is that okay?"

"Of course, it's your studio, silly." You giggle. "I am almost done with this, so if you're gonna be busy I can go back to m-"

"You can stay, if you want to." He quickly adds. "Plus, he says he wants to see you, you know... He misses you." Chan laughs. He wasn't lying, but that wasn't the only reason he wanted you to stay.

"Okay! Sure, I haven't heard from him in a while, either." You nod and keep making changes on the file you have open.

Just as he said, Felix enters the room just a few minutes later, smiling brightly and immediately running to give you a big hug once he sees you.

Soon, the room was filled with laughter and long conversations to catch up on everything around your lives. Felix tells you about the new pastries he baked last week and that he was waiting for you to come around and bake with him, the new video game Jeongin bought and has been playing with Hyunjin, the new songs Changbin and Jisung have been working on and how Seungmin was learning to play piano, playing songs at night for everyone at the dorm.

"And you know? Chan hyung has gotten better at flirting." He laughs as the latter gives him a threatening glare. "He can't stop saying pickup lines whenever he has the chance."

"Ah, really?" You chortle. "You haven't said one in all the time we've been here."

"Well, we've been working, and I've told you many other jokes... Besides, it's not like I come up with them out of nowhere."

"Yes, you do!" Felix says. "You do that all the time, what are you talking about?"

You glance at Chan, who's currently blushing and at the loss of words. Felix, on the other hand, seems to be happy to see what he just provoked. And he'd definitely enjoy every part of it.

"I want to hear one! C'mooon!" You laugh. "Please?"

Chan rolls his eyes and tries to look confident as he would normally do. He clears his throat and thinks of a good pickup line he hasn't used yet.

"Alright," He says and smiles, he even thinks it's gonna start laughing before even opening his mouth, but the very moment he looks into your eyes, it's like he forgot every single word on his vocabulary. "Uhm, are you, no. Did you-? Wait! I forgot what I was gonna say-"

Felix can't help but burst into laughter, and you only look at him, as if you couldn't believe it. Was he nervous or was it because of the fact that Felix was in the same room? Would it have been any different if he weren't there?

You end up laughing at Felix's loud laughter, as well as seeing Chan blushing up to his ears and hiding his face behind his hands, probably also in an attempt to cover the huge grin he now has.

"Wow, that was an epic failure. And I thought you were the biggest flirt on earth." Felix teases him, to which Chan ends up groaning.

He continues talking about other stuff while Chan stops feeling embarrassed, even though he's not able to look in your eyes for the entire time until you have to go back to work.

You close your laptop and stand up, throwing the now empty cup of coffee on the trash bin. After thanking Chan for his help and promising Felix you'd drop by their dorm soon, you walk out of the studio with a smile and feeling your heart beating fast. There was no way you didn't have feelings for him.

"Oh my god, so I was right!" Felix says a few seconds after you left. Chan's first instinct is to cover his face again. "Look who got nervous so suddenly."

"Stop, I- I don't even want to talk about it." He murmurs, feeling flustered and avoiding Felix's gaze. He types something on his laptop and presses the play button, hoping that this way, his friend would forget about what just happened and could focus solely on the music.

And Felix doesn't talk about it anymore. The next few minutes are set by the music coming out of the speakers; the room filling with Chan's voice, singing the love songs that probably no one else would listen to. Felix seems to be concentrating on the lyrics, but Chan's thoughts are solely about you. As he listens to the songs, he is aware of how his skin bristles every time his hands accidentally touch you, the times when your eyes connect with his and you give him smiles every time it happens, all those times when his heart would race when he hugged you.... It's as if all those songs that professed a love he said he didn't feel, started to make sense.

He feels overwhelmed. Maybe if he was aware of it before, maybe if he listened to his heart instead of his head, this wouldn't be a big revelation to him.

Chan pauses the music, and before Felix can ask what's going on, he speaks up: "Why- why did I do that?"

"Did... what, exactly?" Felix asks, confused.

"The pickup line thing!" He blurts out. "I mean, I do that all the time, right? Why did I just forget how to even talk?"

Felix giggles, "Well, have you considered it's because when you use those pickup lines on us you just do it for laughing? To joke around with us, and with Y/N it's because... I don't know, you have feelings for him and it gets real? Like you're flirting with him."

Makes sense, he thinks. He remains in silence for a moment, processing everything that just happened and finally connecting the dots.

"Wait, you just had your epiphany?" Felix jokes. "It took you too, too long."

"I can barely fall asleep, how was I supposed to know I was falling in love?"

"Fair enough." He says, comprehensive. "Are you telling him?"

"Should I?" Chan's eyes sparkle, but he still feels confused. Should he even try? It's been so long since he last felt this way about someone, and given the circumstances of his life as an idol, he felt more reluctant to take the next step. Even more, considering he had just taken the first one by accepting his feelings a few minutes ago.

"I was right all this time by you being in love," He says. "And I am also sure that it's mutual. I've seen you two for a while, you know? I am surprised you didn't come the realization way earlier than this."

Chan giggles. "Alright, I get it."

"But it's up to you now, I guess. All I know is that you deserve to be happy, and you deserve good things... And Y/N is a great person. You should give yourself an opportunity on love."

Chan feels chills as he hears those words. Tonight's even have been too much for him to process, so he'll think deeply about it later.

"Okay," He nods. "Thanks, Lix. You've been really helpful."

"I know, what would you do without me?" Felix laughs. "Now let's keep listening to the songs, I am loving all of them."

Fortunately, the help Chan gave you really made it possible for you to finish the songs in no time. You are just now walking out of a meeting with your managers and the people in charge of the release of the album to set the final details, and you quickly send a message to Chan to let him know the news.

In the meantime, you drop by your studio to clean up a little and maybe write down some ideas for new songs that have been in your mind for a while. After a few minutes, you hear a knock on the door, snapping you out of your thoughts and then feeling confused. You weren't expecting anyone to come. So you slowly open the door, and a smile spreads across your face the moment you realize it's Chan.

"Oh, hi!" You greet him with a hug, immediately letting him in afterwards. He shyly gets inside, taking a seat on a chair and placing a bag on the small table behind him. "What brings you here? I thought you were still busy with you guys upcoming album."

"It's okay, Changbin is working on his stuff now at the studio, so I took the chance to come here and celebrate with you!" He grins. "Congratulations on making your first self-produced album!"

He starts clapping, making you smile; he truly was the sweetest person you've ever met.

As soon as he read your message he went to the nearby cafeteria and bought your favorite drink and pastries, claiming that it was a special occasion and should be celebrated.

"For all your hard work and the success of this album!" He makes a toast as he raises his cup of tea.

Soon you find yourselves immersed in a long conversation about everything that went into creating this album; from when you had the first idea for the concept, to those sleepless nights when he helped you without hesitation. Chan was definitely an essential part of this whole process, so to be celebrating with him right now felt right. It was how it should be.

"You know," Chan clears his throat as another song starts playing. "These past days I've had this thought in my head, and after talking it out with Felix... I am certain about it. And I want to tell you about it. I know I have to."

You frown, feeling curiosity, especially since his semblance has changed to be a bit more serious. He still has a small smile that gives you some kind of tranquility, but another part of you can't help but feel nervous as he gets a little bit closer.

"Of course, what is it?"

"So, uhm" He starts. "Some weeks ago, when Felix came to the studio and we were talking with you... Well, the reason he came was because he wanted to listen to some love songs I've worked on. And, after listening to all of them I figured out why I didn’t like them. I was sure I wasn't in love. That's why, to me, they all sounded plain and didn’t convey the feeling of love... But then..."

He makes a pause, catching his breath as he feels more and more nervous. He knows for sure his ears and cheeks are red right now, and it's impossible that you haven't noticed it. His hands slightly shake behind the table, anxiously looking for yours, but refraining from doing it because he doesn't know how this was going to end. You don't want to interrupt him, so you give him his time to clear his head and talk again.

"While listening to those songs, the only thought I had in mind was you." He finally confesses, with his gaze now fixed on his lap. "I guess that for a while I didn’t realise that I started to, uhm, catch feelings for you. And, it's okay if you don't feel the same way about me. I just really wanted to let you know because the thought has been on my mind for so long and I needed to let it out."

For a moment, the only thing that can be heard in the room is your voice coming from the speakers along with a sigh from Chan, who still didn’t dare to look up and face you.

"So... what you're saying is..." You speak up, feeling incredibly shy, trying to process the words addressed to you.

"What I am trying to say is that I am in love with you."

And you swear you could start screaming to the top of your lungs right now, but you try your very best to stay calm and finally grab Chan's hands. With that, he looks at you again.

"Channie," You softly say, looking at him in his precious eyes and dearly smiling. You don't even know where to begin, but a voice inside you begs for you to give him a hug. So you open your arms and embrace him tightly, feeling instant comfort and love. "I am so glad you feel this way too. I love you too."

Chan sighs in relief, placing his hands on your waist and pulling you closer; his nose pressed against the crook of your neck and closes his eyes, melting between your arms and enjoying every single second of that gesture.

"Wait a minute," You say out of nowhere, so he separates a bit from you and tilts his head. "That's why you couldn't even say a sentence when you tried to say a pickup line?"

You laugh when his expression changes to look ashamed, his lips frowned in a pout and his gaze avoiding your eyes again.

"Try again, I'm sure you're good at this." And Chan's head only comes up with the dozens of lines he has read, but seeing you smiling right in front of him and your arms over his shoulders, he can only think how lucky he is. He can't possibly say anything to you. "Alright, let me try instead."

You hum and recall all the pickup lines you've read and have been told before, "Hm, can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll return it."

And you expected Chan to start laughing out loud, instead he starts blushing again and giggling, covering his face as he feels nervous.

"C'mon! Seriously?" You laugh and wait for him to stop being shy.

"You make me nervous, give me time." He excuses himself and laughs some more. "That was a good one, and you know what? You can borrow all the kisses you want, as long as you keep your word and return them."

"See? That's what I'm talking about!"

Chan fondly smiles at you, placing his hand on your head to pet your hair for a moment. You close your eyes as he does it, feeling his soft touch traveling all the way down to your chin. He rests his thumb on your cheek and after a few seconds you decide to open your eyes.

"Can I?" He murmurs as his gaze shifts from your eyes to your lips.

"You don't even have to ask."

And just as you give him permission, he breaks the distance between you two. He starts carefully, placing his lips against yours in a tender, chaste way, barely there pressure that makes you exhale through your nose as if you had been holding your breath all along. One of his hands still holds you by the waist, so he takes the opportunity to slide it to your lower back, carefully holding you and sending you shivers to your entire body.

You lean forward barely a few millimeters, but it's enough to feel more pressure over your lips. Chan angles his head and traps your bottom lip, tongue trying to dart out of his mouth to taste more of the sweetness of yours. He, however, contains himself and smiles in between the kiss, instead. He was probably gonna be the death of you.

The deep kiss loses intensity as a minute passes by, so you two end up giving smaller kisses and share smiles, your noses constantly touching in skimo kisses. And you think it's perfect; it's way better than what you one day imagined.

Chan can't miss the chance to make you sit on his lap, so now your head rests over his chest. Your fingers fidgeting the hem of his hoodie and shyly longing to intertwine your hands.

"Hey, Y/N?" He grabs your attention and smiles. "Are you a parking ticket?"

You raise an eyebrow, "Why?"

"Because you've got fine written all over you." He ends up with a muffled laughter.

"Oh no, what did I just get myself into?" You joke around, this time finally making him burst into a louder laughter. "You just declared war on me about pickup lines, you know?"

"Oh, so you got some lines, too? Can't wait to hear all of them, then."

And for the rest of the day you let yourself be held in between the arms of the person you loved the most. Later you'd find the way to flirt with him and make him feel flustered when he least expects it.