#Also I know executive dysfunction happens outside of ADHD

[eleilinnrallin]

I wish in general discussion of ADHD that executive dysfunction wasn't used to just mean difficulty with task switching and task initiation.

Like, there's so much more that is a part of executive functioning! Executive functioning includes impulse control, emotional regulation, working memory, attention, awareness of time, goal formation, planning, and that's not even all of it. It's a broad catogory of cognitive processes, not just a single symptom.

ADHD symptoms do mostly fall under executive dysfunction because ADHD is an executive functioning disorder.

In general terms, it's not wrong to include difficulties in task switching and initiation in executive dysfunction! They are certainly a part of that! But oversimplifying executive dysfunction to only be task switching and initiation difficulties isn't accurate and gives an inaccurate picture of ADHD as a whole (or at least, from what I've seen, it impacts the discussion surrounding ADHD negatively).

It might just be me. idk. But discussing precise problems while calling them by a blanket term can make it hard to identify what exactly the block is. For example, if I'm having trouble getting started on a task and I just say "oh I'm struggling with executive dysfunction right now" that doesn't tell me anything about what's wrong. But if I say "I'm struggling with task initiation; I keep meaning to do it but don't know where to start" then I can think through the steps to start. Or if it's motivation, "I'm struggling with motivation" means I can think of how to overcome that. "This is overwhelming" means I can plan. "I don't want to stop what I'm doing/this is a task switching problem" means I can decide if I need to finish the task at hand or trick my brain into swapping.

(This is a separate problem but then you also have people saying execytive dysfunction is laziness or results in laziness when they are meaning that difficulty with task initiation. Even if it was true that difficulty with task initiation was laziness (it's not), saying that executive dysfunction = laziness is so incorrect. That would mean poor short term memory = laziness. That would mean hyperactivity = laziness. That would mean emotional dysregulation = laziness. And none of these are even CLOSE to true. That's another issue though.)

[kamianya-ttv]

You’re not lazy, you’re neurodivergent:

A post on executive dysfunction, ADHD inattentiveness and hyperfocus, and whatever else occurred to me as related as I originally wrote this for twitter.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably been called lazy by people in your life. But the thing is, there’s almost no-one (if anyone) who’s actually lazy. And I promise you, if you’ve felt guilty because there are things you should be doing and can’t get them done? You are NOT lazy.

I'll get to executive dysfunction, the main focus of this thread in a moment. Because I want to start by talking about ADHD and hyperfocus.

Is it hard for you to pay attention to things you don't enjoy, but can focus for hours on things you do?

Does the world ever disappear to the point you forget to eat/drink while you're working? Can you suddenly get days worth of work done in a short amount of time, but only once it's the last minute, or when you get into the zone? But you don't necessarily have control over getting into that mode?

Hyperfocus

The reason this is related to this thread is that often this is the "proof" that you're lazy. Look, if you're interested you get things done! Look at how much you can do when you "just make yourself" or "just focus"! Clearly you just don't want to do the thing.

I can't tell you how many days I've sat there trying to get into a zone that's eluding me, losing sleep and feeling guilty, just to finally hyperfocus in the final day and pull out a miracle.

But I have ZERO ability to force it (I have tricks! but it's not the same).

Hyperfocus often gets brought up as a "you can't have ADHD, look how focus on the things you enjoy! Look what happens when you do focus!"

But actually, it's a major aspect of inattentive ADHD!

So, that's why hyperfocus matters in this convo.

Now onto Executive Dysfunction.

To start with, a quick note: Executive dysfucntion is not just an ADHD thing. It's an aspect of a lot of different neurodivergencies.

Also, this is primarily from my perspective as a person with ADHD, I'd love to hear your versions of these experiences!)

I like to describe executive dysfunction as "the start button isn't there."

Also, this isn't just for chores or boring things.

Have you ever sat there going "I want to game" but it just never happens?

I sure have!

When you have executive dysfunction, this means that starting tasks can be near impossible. You just can't get yourself to start it. Often, you may sit there staring at the document with the blinking cursor, or looking at the stove, or glancing at the full laundry basket, etc

But again, there's no start button. You just can't do the thing. Which makes it really hard when people tell you to just focus, or that you could do it if you just cared, or that you're just lazy.

Because we want to do the thing! We do!

(I mean, okay, want may be a strong word sometimes, I never WANT to do chores, but it's still not an intentional putting it off. It's more an "I need to do this thing, I know I need to, I want it to be done, but I can't get myself to do it")

Now for me, and many with ADHD, once someone points out you haven't done the thing, or when the deadline comes close, suddenly the start button appears

Which again, people use as proof you totally could have done the thing the whole time.

So clearly you were just lazy & are only doing it cause you got yelled at/prodded/nagged.

But this isn't true, there was no start button!

@adhd-alien has a PERFECT comic on this: https://twitter.com/ADHD_Alien/status/1138475368191598594

Now, we learn tricks to deal with this. Or meds may help.

For me, I find ways to enforce outside deadlines, or I'm more likely to have. a start button for something I'm doing with/for other people.

But ultimately, our brains just don't work the same.

So for someone where the start buttons are always there, who assumes everyone is the same as them, it looks like we're actively making the choice not to hit start.

So they call us lazy, unable to see us desperately trying to hit a button that's just. Not. There.

Now, add on to this all the other comorbidities that come with neurodivergency, we almost never have just one thing. Add on physical disabilities or chronic/invisible illnesses or chronic pain or fatigue.

All of these make it so much harder.

There are SO many things that affect our abilities to get things done.

For example, I had a doctor appointment four days in a row (OT, neurologist, OT, infusion). I also helped schedule an event, and did a stream.

Before MS and chronic pain that would be nothing.

I could have done SO much more, filled my days with getting things done.

Now? I'm spending today on the couch, recovering before my stream tonight.

And I have to fight so much guilt, because I feel like I should be doing more. But my body just CAN'T.

So.

Do you feel guilty, but you just can't start the thing?

Is there no start button?

Are you exhausted and your body is insisting you rest?

There are so many things that affect our ability to do things.

Brains, bodies, the world we live in.

But you're not lazy.

[ethicallysourcedhumanmeat]

I think a thing I've never really considered, as an ND person, when it comes to masking and maintaining close friendships is like there's sometimes a selfishness to being completely myself.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, we all deserve the safety and freedom to be ourselves! I think that there is maybe still like a level of conderation that, for myself at least, I need to be aware of.

I've been sort of overanalyzing a friendship after a kind of situation arose because I noticed a pattern. I always like to address situations and be aware of what is causing an issue and like how to correct it from either end.

It's a really dear friendship and we have struggled a few times in different but similar ways and I think in the end it comes down to me and being totally unmasked and as a result there’s a sort of selfishness that happens that I need to be more accountable for.

I don't know really if I have exact words for it but I think like, yes masking is self preservation but I know when I mask there’s a level of awareness I dont possess otherwise and I started thinking that rather than thinking of it like putting on a mask its more layering for cold weather.

So perhaps instead of removing all my layers just because I am safe with someone I think maybe I should consider that person and if it's respectful of Them or their situation to remover all my outside layers.

like I vocal stim, but I mask that with most people. If I'm with a safe person who may have a sensory issue with a sound I should leave that layer on because thats respectful.

I think in a childish way, and without intending to, I've left responsibility on friends I'm comfortable to be with unmasked that's unfair to them. Like an unconscious expectation to be reminded of plans. With work or school or other things I'm more likely to immediately set reminders but I think with close friends i relax/don't rush because 'they'll remind me if i forget the reminder' and that's not super fair if forgetting is happening 50% of the time.

I guess the catalyst to this thought process was thinking about the 'mental load' conversion around wives and husbands and weaponized incompetence bc sometimes the symptoms of my adhd will mirror that and I think there is a bearing of a mental load associated with caring for someone with executive dysfunction at the very least and like what's the solution to that.

because its seems unfair to just expect that from a person you care about but the reverse seems unfair also so what's the happy medium and I think personally its less thinking of my ND as 1 mask i put on and take off and rather each trait is a separate layer, and paybe something things come in pairs like boots and gloves.

So I started to think, if I'm safe with this person and I can take off all those layers with them, they've even said so. Maybe they've even offered to turn the heat up if Im cold so i can take my sweater off.

But maybe I notice they're uncomfortable with the heat turned up, even tho they offered so next time i just keep my sweater on and maybe some days i make an excuse to keep my hat on you know?

Because yeah it's nice to pull all the layers off but it's not always respectful or necessary (or even fair) to expect people to take on that version of me 100% of the time. Even if they say its ok.

I guess all that to say I think as a neurodivergent person that the key to maintaining friendships is the ability to be completely yourself with someone but being respectful of the middle ground and trying to find the balance between them.

[hauntedwoman]

Sorry if this is too personal. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Whats it like being Autistic? When did you realize you were Autistic?

no it's not too personal at all !!

i guess what autism really feels like for me is just constantly feeling like im battling my brain to get the most basic stuff done. i have really bad executive dysfunction and i get crippling task paralysis all the time. like, for example, if i need to take a shower and i have no clean clothes, but someone else is washing their clothes in the laundry machine, i'll have a meltdown bc there's nothing i can do to get what i need to do done. i also have a very specific routine when it comes to showering like when and how i shower. like if i've just washed my hair and my mom asks me to help her outside with something i'll freak out bc that means i'll have to shower again (which is something i don't rly enjoy doing in the first place).

i also have several sensory issues, esp when it comes to smells and sounds. i don't like dogs bc they usually smell bad to me and they're loud. i don't like children for the same reason + the fact that they're very unpredictable. it's also rly rly hard for me to leave my house most of the time bc if i leave the house and get overstimulated i'll have a panic attack or i'll disassociate severely to cope with the overstimulation and still end up having a panic attack.

and in addition to all of that, it's also very hard for me to make friends or form meaningful relationships. personally with my autism, i have lower empathy levels. i'm not really interested in the people around me unless i'm looking for patterns in their behavior so i can assess how to interact with them. i'm not generally curious about other people and their interests and when people get rly emotional around me i tend to go non-verbal and freeze up bc i don't know how to deal with those sorts of things. i also have a tendency to hyperfixate/hyperfocus on new relationships and it's rly exhausting when that happens bc i completely abandon every other aspect of myself and my interests just to think about that person all the time.

on top of all of that, i'm also constantly masking my excitement towards certain things and masking my behaviors so that they fit into a neurotypical standard. i don't let myself get too excited when a special interest is mentioned, i tend to compose myself in a very aloof and indifferent way to combat my tendencies to act neurodivergently.

this is already getting way too long i'm sorry but i suspected that i was autistic probably when quarantine started in 2020. i knew that i already have adhd but the more i researched autism and how it presents in girls/women i realized i identified a lot with the symptoms (is that the right word ? idk.) and last september i finalyl got a professional psych eval done and i got diagnosed.

i hope that answered your question. there's probably a lot more that i have forgotten considering autism impacts every single part of my life bc the way my brain is wired is fundamentally different, but i can't think of everything right now.

[spring-lxcked]

GET TO KNOW THE MUN.

NAME.  nicole or aspen

PRONOUNS.  she / they (i sometimes have a slight preference for one over the other day-to-day, but overall either is fine)

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION.  if you need me to respond quickly, IMs are probably the way to go. if you want to have a long-term convo/don't care about quickness, discord (nicolenostalgia) is best!

MOST ACTIVE MUSE.  currently it's obviously this rabbit bastard, but my other consistently most active muse has been kokichi (@takinghisbow). outside of him, i tend to go through periods of strong hyperfixation on specific muses. single muse blogs for me are pretty exclusively for muses i don't intend on taking long breaks from ever (outside of necessity)

EXPERIENCE / HOW MANY YEARS.  i've been rping since i was around 9 (and far too young to be freely online, but whatever). i've been on tumblr since i was ~14, but didn't start rping here until like. . . 3-4 years ago? prior to tumblr i rp'd on forums, via email with individual friends, and on furcadia (my longest experience and very defining for me ngl. i know it's, like, cringe or whatever, but <3).

BEST EXPERIENCE.  i mean, generally just the genuine friends i've made and continue to make on here. but also, to be slightly more specific, few things stand out in my memory as favorite rp moments more than the funny, crack-y, shit-posting times where me and some of my mutuals are just losing our minds. i love running jokes on my blogs, i love being @'d, i just love love love that non-serious sort of interaction sm.

RP PET PEEVE.  if you start public shit/write callouts about someone because they were slightly rude to you or you just don't like them? [cocks gun] (legally i'm joking, but i'm so glad i haven't seen this kinda shit in awhile. save it for dangerous people, please). other than that, i've had Experiences where my frequently-thirsted-after-by-fandom male muse just gets an Onslaught of ppl who will absolutely try to force ship with their OC. it hasn't happened here, but admittedly i'm like. sitting on the edge of my seat LMAO. (like, it's kinda funny but it's hella disrespectful).

PLOTS OR MEMES.  memes tend to be a better starting point for me unless you already have a specific idea in mind OR we're working off of one of our wishlist posts. i have this Thing where the moment someone asks me to plot every single idea i've ever had leaves my head fdkshfsd. the only exception to this is if it's not immediately obvious how our muses would meet. at which point, either plotting OR just specifying something in a meme you send would be great.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES.  cursed to love long replies, forced to have executive dysfunction lmao. i mean, i love interactions of any length, but i do looooove getting really into my muse's mindset and exploring it. because of mental health, tho, longer thread usually = longer wait for my reply. not always, it depends on my muse. once we're getting 5+ paras, it might be a bit of a wait (even tho i still love it).

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES.  knee-jerk reaction was to say no abt william lmao. in all seriousness, i'd say. . . we have a similar sense of humor, regrettably. and more than that, i feel like my draw to writing muses in general who "wear a mask" and hide their real personalities has been a bit of an. . . unintentional exploration relating to my own masking. i've a only realized in recent years that i likely have ADHD (and maybe autism?), and the realization that the Me In Public is literally Not Me was. crazy. i think that, even though william is a complete bastard, there's something to writing a muse who is always performing. i mean, before i even understood what masking was i remember telling my mom that being around almost anyone irl felt like putting on a show to pretend to be "normal." so anyway me, kokichi, and william are holding hands (eurgh).

TAGGED BY. @gateway31 ( <3 <3 <3 ) TAGGING. whoever would like to do it!!

[cinnakincat]

saaaame It seems like this happens all the fucking time, and I hate it with a seething fury. And it's even worse when it's not only "Hey, we're doing something that involves going outside the house and fucking up your schedule," it's often "Hey, we're doing something that fucks up your schedule, and we're only telling you about it AN HOUR BEFORE WE'RE LEAVING!" That's not enough time for my ADHD ass to do anything! because god fucking knows that getting ready will inevitably take up all of that hour with executive dysfunction and procrastination, and also actually getting ready in itself!

It's not that I don't want to visit, it just wasn't on the list I made in my head

[cptsdjourney143]

What happened to you?

TW: trauma, self-harm, abuse

The sound of rustling notebook paper. The off-white tinge and contrasting lines. The thinness of the sheet between my pinched pointer finger and thumb. The scratching of the pencil point. These are just some of the things I miss about writing.

I have defined myself as a writer for as long as I can remember. It is one of my go-to words when I am asked to describe myself. And no matter how long I goo without writing a word it will always be true. I am a writer. But I think my past trauma and relying on pen and paper to process has impacted my relationship with writing. I have spent so much time pushing down everything I went through… pretending everything was okay over and over again. Now bringing it back up feels impossible.

I have recently returned to therapy and have started seeing a psychiatrist again. I am so tired of anxiety and depression. I am so tired of hating myself. I am tired of the shame and guilt and hyper vigilance. I am tired of being broken. I am constantly haunted by the question: What is wrong with me?

I have been trying to answer that question for 19 years, more or less. I have spent more than half of my life trying to figure out why I am the way I am.

On the outside I look fine. Successful, even. My mom and dad were high school sweethearts. I have supportive family members and friends. I have a wonderful husband and we have built an adorable little family of dogs and cats and horses. I got good grades in high school and continued my academic excellence through college and graduate school. I passed my speech pathology licensing exams with flying colors. I got work right out of school and have established a good career.

Write me down on paper and I seem like perfection. So that is what I have always tried to emulate. If I looked perfect on the outside no one would know how broken I was on them inside. I thrust myself into activities and hobbies just so that I could excel at them for as long as I can remember. In middle school it was Girl Scouts and Horseback Riding. In High School it was music, theater, art, track, and writing. I consistently made honor roll. I made National Honors society. But you don’t need my resume. I did everything I could to be the best at everything I did.

I have worked so hard on being perfect that I shoved down the negative. I have shoved it so far down that I don’t remember a lot of it. The harsh reality is that even through I tried to bury the negative, my body remembers. My body remembers fear and pain. My body keeps holding on to what my brain is trying to forget.

Being perfect on the outside is not helping the pain on the inside anymore. So I went back to therapy and back to hunting for answers to the question: What is wrong with me? I thought the neuropsychological evaluation I took in graduate school would give me some answers. Their testing confirmed my anxiety and depression diagnosis. It confirmed I have fantastic language skills, but my working memory and executive function are “below average.” It talks about my distress and dissatisfaction with my life, lack of coping skills, avoiding new one challenging situations, and so much more. It says in clear black ink that I restrict my emotions and have difficulty with relationships.

“It appears Caitlyn finds many of her relationships to be confusing or complicated. Results indicate that Caitlyn has conflicting feelings about her family, finding them to be supportive and loving… yet also invalidating and unhelpful when she needs them.”

That girl is not perfect. But she is also me. That neuropsychological was from 2015. That was 8 years ago, and I am still looking for answers. I have been looking for answers longer than that.

I have talked to my therapist and psychologist yet about the possibility of ADHD. A lot of my symptoms seem to align: Attention and memory issues, executive dysfunction, motivation paralysis… This constant need to be doing something productive but unable to do anything so spiraling in my mind instead. My mental health team agrees that ADHD is a possibility, but I have not started on any ADHD medication at this time.

In therapy we started to approach my grief. I have experienced a lot of loss in some very traumatic ways. My first memory of loss is my Bubby. I was so young when she died and I felt the loss greatly. I remember watching her get sick and then fade away. My next memories involve my grandma having a stroke and moving in with us. The grandma that used to make us eggs-in-a-basket and always smiled was gone. She was a ghost of her former self. My uncle moved in to help with her care. We watched her fade away as well… and then she was gone and my Uncle moved away. I don’t know why he left, just that him and my dad had some sort of argument and that was the end of it.

For a while there weren’t any more loses. Then when I was in my 20s they all seemed to come at once. My cousin overdosed and passed away, leaving behind two children. Not too long after that my dad passed away. Losing my father has been one of the hardest things I have ever faced, but my mom was an absolute wreck. I had to put on my brave face for her. I was perfect, after all. My grandfather passed a few years after. My mom had just started to be herself again and then she lost her father. Her brother died by suicide not long after… she was the one who found his body. Just a few days ago my Uncle passed away. I am dealing with his loss now. Which is part of why I am writing now.

So yes, I have experienced my fair share of grief and loss. I thought I had been dealing with my grief, but after all these feelings with my uncle passing, I am not so sure.

My therapist asked if I felt like I have come to terms with my grief and I said I had. So she mentioned that there had to be a reason I felt so much hate for myself. She asked if anyone ever made me feel like I wasn’t enough. But I had parents that loved me. I was a good student. I was supposed to be perfect. But I still had anxiety and depression. I was still broken. She said she was glad to be on my journey with me and asked me what I was looking for from therapy.

Once again I had been so good at looking perfect on the outside that the brokenness inside was shoved so far down that I was able to hide it from myself and my therapist. But she could see there was work to be done.

So I started looking harder… thinking about why I went back to therapy and what I wanted from it. I started looking back at old notebooks and journals and videos. I found entries as far back as 2004 talking about my anxiety and depression.

Anxiety and depression did not seem like enough of an answer to what was wrong with me. ADHD didn’t seem to be the right diagnosis either. Nothing I did seemed to be helping.

I don’t entirely remember how, but some how I came across looking at Complex PTSD online, but that didn’t make sense either. I didn’t survive a natural disaster or torture. I wasn’t in a war. I wasn’t abused. Yeah, I had been through some hard stuff, but nothing compared to that.

But the symptoms… the symptoms were like looking at all my deepest shames in bold black ink.

- Difficulty with emotions

- Distrust in the world

- Constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness

- Feeling damaged or worthless

- Feeling different from others

- Difficulty with relationships

- Dissociative symptoms

- Headaches, dizziness, chest pains, and stomach aches

- Regular suicidal feelings

I have experience all of these things. I thought they were all just my anxiety and depression… maybe they are. I really don’t know. But I didn’t have flashbacks to anything that that was a major component of PTSD. Then I read about emotional flashbacks: intense emotions that seems to come from no where. I feel like I live in this state. Constant fight or flight. Constant anxiety. Constant spiraling. Constant emotional flashbacks. But emotional flashbacks to what?

So I kept doing research… in to myself and in to CPTSD. And I continues to see myself in each blog post, video, article, research paper, and book. I started to read the book “What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing.” By Bruce D Perry and Oprah Winfrey. They wanted me to shift my perspective from “What’s Wrong with You?” To “What Happened to You?” Sure, I was used to reframing my thinking. Years of therapy have taught me that it is often necessary.

So what happened to me? When I was only 12 years old I began to self-harm. Looking at pictures of myself at that age now as a 31 year old… I look so young. I look like a baby. I don’t remember why I started cutting myself. There was no event I can remember that caused it… I just got so tired of feeling sad and anxious that I wanted to feel anything else. So I decided to feel pain instead. But this didn’t feel traumatic enough to warrant complex PTSD. Considering it took me 7 pages of lead up to get here… I guess I am carrying some trauma.

My earliest writing mimicked my current thoughts over and over. Not good enough. Not worthy of love. Feeling alone and like no one could ever understand. I self-harmed all through middle school, high school, and college. I had stopped cutting myself by graduate school and have not self-harmed in that capacity since then. I thought that since I had stilled doing it, I was over it.

I lived in constant cycles of anxiety and found relief in cutting and then felt deep guilt and shame and fell in to deep depressions for most of my formative years. Growing up like this changes a persons brain. So far reading about CPTSD has made me really grateful I took neuroscience in grad school. There is a lot of talk about the brain.

What happened to me? I cut myself for many of my childhood years, teenage years, and my young adolescence. Why? I don’t know. I don’t remember. I have spent so long trying to forget. But my body didn’t forget. My body holds all that fear and anxiety and shame and deep seated guilt.

Here is what I do know. My oldest journals and notebooks do not say anything about why I started cutting myself and I may never remember. That has to be okay. There might note be a clear answer. The defining moment part of me longs for. The thing that I can point at say say “That! That is why I am the way that I am.”

I know that somewhere along the line my emotional needs were not met. Which is the definition of emotional neglect. But the very idea of that makes me fiercely defensive. My mom and dad loved me and I had a good childhood. I know my parents had many flaws. They both had anxiety and depression. My dad was an alcoholic. But I have so many memories of them full of love.

I still hid my self-harm from my parents. I don’t know why I felt I could not go to them, except for my need to be perfect on the outside. I don’t know what I feel the need to be perfect. I have no memories of being told I needed to be. I have always put that burden on myself.

I threw away a lot of the journals I kept from ages 12 to 17. Those were my worst years and I was absolutely ashamed of them. I was past that phase and didn’t need them anymore. Ii don’t remember exactly when I threw them away, but I remember that it happened. I wish that I didn’t now. I feel like they may have had some answers.

My diagnosis is probably not the take away here. My therapist says I give my mental illness too much power. It’s hard not to when it has been there since I was 12 years old. I have grown comfortable with new labels. Anxiety, depression, panic disorder, ADHD, CPTSD… whatever it is, I’m working on it.

But I still feel like my “trauma” wasn’t “traumatic” enough. I think that is my need to be perfect, though.

My therapist said she thought I should continue therapy. She said she was happy to continue with me on my journey. I am not sure what I want from this journey, but I figured this would be a good place to start.

[big-boah]

Autistic Thing of the day:

Autistic Catatonia 😵

I made a TikTok on this too with the same info (link here!)

I wanted to talk about autistic catatonia, which isn’t something I’d heard about until I researched it on my own. When I brought it up to my doctor, she said it made perfect sense.

Autistic catatonia affects, at minimum, about ten percent of autistic people. And the best way I can describe it is “getting stuck.”

I’ve dealt with this my entire life, I plan to do something, or respond to someone, and my mind goes blank and I just can’t move. If I fight it, my anxiety goes through the roof. I can’t talk or respond, only maybe stim a little or communicate using eye contact or eye gaze. For me, it can last anywhere from a few seconds to several hours.

Unfortunately, my bodily functions still continue when I’m stuck, so I have to be guided to the bathroom, need help in the shower, and kept out of harm’s way. My partner and I both have ADHD and have a similar thing happen but can still kind of move even if it's difficult, but that’s more executive dysfunction.

This is also a little different than derealization and depersonalization in that most people still feel entirely like themselves when these episodes happen, your inside mentality is the same. I can carry on commentary in my head during these episodes and I feel like I'm myself, just stuck.

Being catatonic is almost like every cell in my body is frozen in time. I know what’s going on around me, but my brain just can’t make that connection and that spark of purposeful movement doesn’t make it outside of my own mind. I wish there was a better way to explain it.

A lot of autistic people experience this differently. Some people have this and believe it's a shutdown (which is a little different because in shutdowns usually you can communicate.)

People with mild catatonia may feel like they've "gone nonverbal" and also feel physically stuck, although others can assist you to move if needed.

A lot of people have this experience when they're frightened of experiencing high levels of overstimulation. I've always said it's like my brain pressed pause on my life, because I wouldn't.

If you know someone who goes through something like this, make sure they stay safe, hydrated, and make sure to check in on them even if they don't respond. I like when my partner acts like nothing’s up, he will just hang out with me there. Some people like touch when they get stuck while others don’t. This can happen no matter what your support need level is in general. This actually happens often enough where it increases my support need level, I need to be supervised anyway. 😅

Once I realized this was a feature of my autism, I was able to come up with a plan with my loved ones because it happens about 2-3 times a week. Ever since I started taking ADHD meds it happens less, and research has found that benzo medications can actually prevent this from happening and help the episodes. Research needs to catch up to the rest of us on this one!

But if you experience this or periods of hyperactivity where you also feel like you can't interact with others on your own command, it may be autistic catatonia.

Hopefully this helps someone! 🤟🏻

[neurodiversitysci]

Why do other ADHDers like Russell Barkley?

I keep coming across posts on Tumblr and Reddit complimenting him. The most recent comment I read said something like, “he’s the only one I’ve come across who actually gets it!” 

...Why?

I’ve read a few of his articles, and he talks about ADHD the way “experts” in the 90′s and 2000′s talked about autism. He explicitly likens ADHD to brain damage. (Yes, executive dysfunction can be caused by both brain damage and ADHD, and yes, a long time ago, ADHD was literally called “minimal brain dysfunction,” but we’re long past that now). He could not have more of an “outsider” perspective on ADHD. 

Frankly, Russell Barkley sounds like a jerk.  

What his fans say about him, and the quotes they share, only reinforce this impression.

I get it, he has historical importance, as one of the early ADHD researchers and the one to champion the diagnosis of ADHD and bring it to popular attention. (And--if anyone remembers what initial popular stereotypes of ADHD were--he probably therefore has a lot to answer for). Similar things could be said of Simon Baron Cohen regarding autism, though. 

I am willing to honor Russell Barkley’s historical significance, but can’t we move on to a new, less insulting generation of ADHD researcher-experts?

He knows what executive function is, and what happens when it goes wrong. He knows the statistics where people with ADHD are more likely to get into car accidents, are more prone to alcohol and drug abuse, and pretty much every other negative life outcome. This is important information, and it’s clearly been eye opening for a lot of people, but he’s not the only person sharing these facts.

(Also, does it occur to him to compare negative outcomes for people with ADHD to the negative outcomes for people with other disabilities? Does he consider the possibility that we get in trouble, not only because of our impulsivity and executive dysfunction, but also because we live in a world that treats us as broken and shuts us out of school, work, and health care we need to function better? I really, really doubt it.)

So, I do a massive double take every time I read another ADHD’er praising Russell Barkley. What are they seeing in him that I’m not?

11/8/22

[purplespaceace]

very few characters actually have adhd in media, and when they do, what people mean by that is just that they fidget a lot, not that they have adhd. the only character with adhd I can think of where I’ve watched/read it and I’ve gone, “oh, this character actually has adhd” is Jake peralta from Brooklyn 99. so, here’s my take on how to write adhd, with examples from Brooklyn 99.

I’ll do the best I can to separate them into three categories; the three things people look for in adults with ADHD, which are rejection sensitivity dysphoria, an interest-based nervous system, and emotional hyperarousal.

I’ll also randomly bold and italicize bits so people with ADHD can actually read it.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria makes people with ADHD overly sensitive to criticism, even if they perceive a rejection and there actually isn’t one. Their emotions are also very strong generally. Because of RSD, people with ADHD become people-pleasers and can develop anxiety because they’re so eager to please.

For me, RSD makes me cry an embarrassing amount for any little reason. in your writing, make your characters overdramatic, criers, and/or people-pleasers. They’ll have trouble saying no. They may also be over competitive, as their perceived rejection may include losing.

how does Jake show this in b99? When Jake comes up with a catchphrase and Rosa says it’s terrible, jake is far more hurt than he should be. He hates losing, and he gets overly upset whenever someone says they don’t like him or don’t trust him, etc. he’s also a people pleaser who has trouble saying no.

An interest-based nervous system

An interest-based nervous system includes hyperfocuses and an inability to pay attention. It stems from the fact that we can’t make as much dopamine as neurotypicals. This means that while neurotypicals get dopamine after completing a task, people with ADHD don’t. That means that people with ADHD don’t have any reason to do tasks, especially those they don’t like. This leads to executive dysfunction—people with ADHD will know they have to or want to do something, but they can’t seem to do it. people with ADHD hyperfocus on things that bring them dopamine. I was obsessed with warrior cats for three years. But hyperfocuses can also last a short amount of time—I’ll have a drawing idea in the middle of class and won’t be able to concentrate on anything else before I finish it. this is where our impulsiveness comes from. we can leap into things we think will give us dopamine without thinking, which can lead to injury. We also tend to tell people personal things they don’t want to hear because of this, and don’t have very good boundaries. We sometimes say whatever comes into our head, which can also result in us being rude on accident. Our voices can also get very loud or we can interrupt people frequently because we’re so impulsive. When people with ADHD hyperfocus, they can forget about anything else. I’ll forget to eat if I’m busy reading a Wikipedia article about feminism in the 1850s, and won’t go to the bathroom or drink water either. It’s also important to note that taking away distractions doesn’t help, because we can do things like pick at our skin and daydream—something that people with ADHD do a lot of. Because of executive dysfunction, people can call people with ADHD lazy or irresponsible.

people with ADHD can also be extremely indecisive because ADHD affects our executive functioning, and making decisions requires planning and prioritizing, and task initiation, which are both executive functions!

people with ADHD also have poor memory for important things, but tend to remember random bits of trivia. Poor memory leads to object permanence problems, which means people with ADHD can forget to call a friend back for weeks, forget that they need to read library books in a closed cabinet, or forget that the vegetables they got will go bad. People can sometimes say that people with ADHD don’t care about anything because of this.

people with ADHD can also be prone to depression because of under or overstimulation. Boredom feels painful for people with ADHD. If we’re overstimulated, we can experience sensory overload—if things are too bright or too loud, if too many things are touching us at once—often it’s not because the thing is too intense, but because too many things are happening at once.

We also have something some people call dolphin brain, where we jump from one thing to another. From the outside, it looks really random, but I find that when I’m talking to another neurodivergent communication is generally easier. For instance, someone with ADHD might see a bee at a baseball field and tell their team about the time they saw whales at seaworld because their little brother was also stung by a wasp there. people will see no connection on the outside, but it makes perfect sense to the person with ADHD.

people with ADHD can also be overachievers, either because they hyperfocus on schoolwork or their RSD makes it so that failing at something isn’t an option. people with ADHD can also be very controlling and stubborn, probably because we hyperfocus on something and cant handle it being any different, and any change to our plans can be seen as rejection.

we can also have a hard time ordering our thoughts or doing stuff like math in our head. a lot of the time I number my thoughts like, 1. this reason, 2. this reason, etc. even if theres only two or sometimes I just need the 1. as a transition for my brain. when I don’t write it down or organize it like that it feels like I’m trying to grasp ropes that have been covered in oil (it’s not going to happen) and then my brain gets all jumbled and I have to restart at the beginning. this is probably just me, but it feels the same way when I’m reading long paragraphs of something uninteresting, or even short bits of historical documents because the way they phrase things is really pompous and hard to process.

also, stuff like caffeine calms us down and helps us focus. people who don’t take medication (me) often drink coffee or caffeinated sodas to focus.

another random tip, but if your character with ADHD also is genderfluid or genderflux, they might have a hard time figuring out their gender sometimes, because we can be known to have a hard time putting our feelings into words or our brains will just go, “nope, not thinking about that right now” and move on, which can be pretty frustrating.

people with adhd also have a trait called time blindness, where we have no idea how long something takes and therefore can’t manage our time very well. this often results in us being late or just sitting around the house because we got ready way too early.

we also have something called consequence blindness—we do things and are completely unaware of the consequences. if I don’t brush my teeth, I get cavities. but I don’t think about that when I’m deciding I’m too tired to brush my teeth.

in b99, jake regularly stays up all night solving cases and watches documentaries on random topics. He’s also very distractible—when they’re trying to find the person who sent Captain Holt death threats in the train yard, Jake says he and captain holt should take a train trip together sometime. Jake says that he’ll forget Amy if they don't work together because he’s like a goldfish.

Emotional hyperarousal

This is the only thing people tend to include when writing characters: the fidgeting. People with ADHD tend to need more stimulation than others, so we’ll do things like draw during class and chew on pens.

people with ADHD can also have apd, or auditory processing disorder. we tend to watch shows with subtitles on and may take a second to process what you’re saying, or hear it wrong. The subtitles thing may be partially do to creating just the right amount of stimulation, but if I don’t have subtitles, me and my other friends with ADHD will watch tv with the volume turned up very high. People with ADHD also can have a hard time interpreting other people‘s tone and have a hard time controlling their own. They can be bad at social cues and have poor manners because we don’t pick up on that stuff.

people with ADHD also tend to observe everything or nothing at any given time, mostly based on the amount of stimulation they have—if they dont have a lot in their main task, they’ll need to take in something else at the same time. Likewise, if I’m hyperfocusing on something I often don’t notice anything else, like if someone asks me a question.

in b99, Jake fidgets with things a lot. In the intro, he’s picking up and examining a figurine on his desk, likely because he was bored with paperwork or some other task.

[normanblowup]

Would LOVE to hear your Nathan (or any of the bands) stim headcanons. I know a lot of people headcanon Nathan as autistic but I havent seen many headcanons of him stimming </3

AHHHHHHH—THANK U, alright imma do this for just nathan because i have the most thoughts about him when it comes to this but i also hc toki and skwisgaar as ADHD and possibly on the spectrum. (this is based on my experiences mostly and of what i’ve heard from others as well)

Nathan’s stims (+ other info)

i hc nathan as having autism

Stims:

-flapping and rocking are his primary stims, but i think he also bounces his leg when he’s nervous or in distress. those stims are for coping with negative emotions or for expressing happy emotions. some of his destructive stims are: pulling his hair, biting at his hands/fingers, and scratching his arms til they welt up or bleed. these are in response to negative emotions and situations and are not good for coping, you want to help/encourage him to do the less destructive stims.

Specific Sensory Issues:

-nathan generally does not enjoy the feeling of other peoples skin, sometimes he’s comfortable with it but in his day-to-day life it’s not enjoyable.

-he doesn’t like rough textures or things that are jagged or rigid in shape, it’s not enough to make him upset but it makes him slightly uncomfortable.

-he gets overwhelmed with the strand of hair that falls in his face, he tries to blow it away often but he can’t force himself to move it away with his hands.

-he has fairly intense executive dysfunction, not with just tasks or chores he needs to do, but with things like: using the bathroom, getting dressed/changing clothes, brushing his teeth, etc.

-he freezes up and will not be able to move, he thinks about himself moving and getting up but can’t make his muscles do it. it’s not generally because he is nervous about the task but more so he just can’t do it. encouraging him gently to get up will make him feel less stiff and he will eventually get up.

-if he’s trying to focus on something, repetitive sounds like water from a faucet or tapping on a table will make him incredibly upset but he won’t know how to communicate it and will end up either stimming harder to make up for it or getting angry/frustrated with the task he’s trying to complete.

Episodes/‘tantrums’/meltdowns:

⚠️ -i personally don’t like the word tantrum in reference to an episode, it makes me feel like a child or as if i have control over what’s happening which isn’t true. so if i get anymore asks about this, i won’t be referring to them as tantrums. for myself i refer to them as episodes or fits.

-if he is close to an episode he will curl in on himself and probably flinch/twitch. once in an episode he’ll start hollering or letting out quick shouts and slapping/hitting his head and thighs. to calm him down, start gently guiding his breathing and take him outside or somewhere cold so he can calm down. do not restrict him. it’s also good to give him something like ice to hold in his hands, he likes how smooth and cold it feels and it helps ground him. he also enjoys going swimming which is partially because his connection to the water, it’s also just very relaxing to him.

-to prevent an episode, it’s good to figure out his body language when he gets uncomfortable beforehand.

-he will probably abruptly stop stimming, and will either go completely silent or start rocking intensely to overcompensate for how he feels. he also has verbal and nonverbal cues like: mouth clicking, flailing one or both of his arms in a rigid and quick motion, and the twitching of his head and shoulders. it’s a very sudden flinch/twitch motion and it’s repetitive.

-again, taking him somewhere cold will help calm him down. he also enjoys soft things like furry blankets and cushions, so taking him to lay on the couch with the window open will be a good way to help him come down.

—

thank you so much for this ask, this is something i think about a lot especially cus i feel i can relate to him immensely on it.

[nonbinarynightmarefuel]

Let's talk ADHD because there's a lot of shit people know that is missing pieces, and there's a lot of shit people don't know about ADHD.

So ADHD is obviously characterized by inattentive or hyperactive behavior or both, right? But we pretty much all know there's more to it than that these days.

You may have heard that those outward behaviors are the result of underlying neurology like dysfunctional executive function. And you've heard about executive dysfunction because you've heard about how not being able to start or finish tasks is executive dysfunction. That's all true, but it's so much more than that.

Executive function refers to pretty much all of cognition. It includes planning, self control, adaptability of thought, working memory, time management, organization, emotional regulation, prioritizing, and a few other things fall into the category depending on who you ask.

Emotional dysregulation is one of the most prominent and yet most unrecognized ADHD trait. We talk about impulsivity all the time, but we never talk about emotional dysregulation, which is bizarre, because they are directly related.

The thing about ADHD is that these executive functioning aspects all work together to create executive function and appropriate cognitive function. And when one is lacking the others will all lack.

So if you are extremely emotionally dysregulated you cannot have very good ability to use your working memory or refrain from being impulsive or have the ability to prioritize what is most and least important in a given situation.

This is also true outside of ADHD, but we know these are things that are implicated in ADHD and it's important to understand what happens and why to be able to live your best life as an ADHDer.

That sounds really icky now that I read it back, but I don't know how else to explain it.

When people are hopelessly targeting different behaviors and ADHD and trying to change them in themselves and others they are failing to actually make a concrete and tangible difference in their life or the life of the person they are trying to help because they are missing an understanding of how it works.

They try to stop children from being so impulsive by teaching them how to think through their problems before they make a decision and it can work on some level but it doesn't really completely work and address the root problem. And without addressing the root problem you can't actually effectively teach the new behavior or coping skill or whatever it may be.

You actually have to understand the fundamentals of developmental psychology and the fundamentals of cognition to be able to actually even begin to change the behaviors that you're seeing in yourself or other people.

When you teach children how to problem solve that is still beneficial... It is still beneficial for ADHD to learn to problem solve and in fact it does help your brain to improve in other areas that can help you to be more functional. But that is only one small part of a large problem that you need to address multiple parts of to make it work.

You cannot fix ADHD by teaching executive function skills alone and we know that. But you can make ADHD something that isn't a detriment to yourself or your child or whoever it may be by working on these skills.

And I don't mean to say that ADHD is a detriment in and of itself because it isn't! It truly isn't. There are marvelous things about ADHD. I don't believe there's any neurotype that is in and of itself a detriment. But most people with ADHD can acknowledge that it has a negative impact on some aspect of their life.

The most common thing that a negatively impacts is school or work or things like hobbies or wanting to write a novel that you can't write because you can't seem to get focused. You can actually have some semblance of an ability to focus on that if you use techniques to get all aspects of your executive function stronger.

That doesn't replace ADHD medicine nor does it make you neurotypical and it shouldn't.

But it can make it easier for you to write a novel or attend your classes or do your job.

Another common thing that I noticed in ADHD that a lot of people don't always self identify and recognize (because they don't always have the information in the tools to do so) is emotional dysregulation and how that impacts their life often in a negative way. If you don't have the skills to regulate your own emotions or cope with them then yeah you're probably going to engage in some behaviors that are harmful to you. And also it's just plain uncomfortable.

You can work on that if you learn all these different executive functioning skills and pull them together. It's not going to make you magically a regulated person... But it will help.

I want to be clear that I'm not suggesting that it will cure you or fix you or make anything better or write any wrongs or that anything is wrong or needs to be fixed or cured. ADHD is a wonderful neurotype. And sometimes it can put us in a bad situation. And it's a good idea to help your brain make new connections that can help it function better with these executive functioning tasks that can improve your life.

[resistance-squad]

To me, system accountability means that if one of us does something harmful, we as a whole are responsible for 1) apologizing and making repairs as appropriate, 2) figuring out why it happened if we can, and 3) trying to address it to the best of our ability.

So for example, some of us get short-tempered when we're stressed or triggered, so say one of us snapped at a friend, as has happened a couple times. Ideally, whoever snapped at our friend would recognize that in the moment and apologize, but sometimes they just can't think of anything outside of the need to protect ourselves. So then once we switch, whoever fronts next will reach out to our friend, apologize, and see how she's doing. We also let her know that we're trying to help whoever it was find ways to keep that from happening again, so that she knows we're all taking responsibility -- especially when she knows she's talking to a different system member than the one who snapped at her, since we don't want it to come across like "oh I'm not responsible for this at all since that wasn't me."

We also encourage the one who snapped at our friend to apologize herself the next time she talks to her, too, even if it wasn't a big deal at all to our friend. That feels like doing right by our friend, and it helps whoever it was build the skill of apologizing, and it also gives them a chance to process it between the two of them if there's anything unresolved around it. So I guess that for us, there's a place for both system accountability AND individual accountability.

As far as responsibility goes... we find it's not super helpful to think of it as being any individual in the system's "fault" or similar things that make us feel judged, but instead to look at it as that one of us made a mistake and the rest of us are here to support them. So for example, it might look like helping them learn new skills to navigate similar situations. Or it might look like a protector keeping an eye on them and switching in if they start to get stressed or irritable (though of course this takes a system having a lot of control over their switching). Or it might look like letting a friend know that while you (as a whole) are working on it, some of you find a particular subject really triggering, and asking that the friend check in if you're ok to talk about it before getting into that kind of conversation. Whatever our plan is, we're all responsible for doing our best to stick to it.

At the end of the day, if one of us does something, it affects all of us. And while we experience ourselves as separate people, we also are one person all together. On the one hand, it can feel unfair to be held responsible for something you had no control over... but it also isn't fair to people around us to just throw our hands in the air and be like, "Well, I had no control over it!" and leave it at that. I think of it being sort of like... I have ADHD, so I often am late to things. It's not my fault that my brain has executive dysfunction. I use strategies, but they don't always work; I lose track of time, underestimate how long it will take to get ready, forget something important and have to go back, etc. But at the same time, I understand that it has an impact on people to keep them waiting, so to be fair to them, it's right that I be accountable for that. Or similarly, say a friend comes over who has a toddler, and the toddler breaks something at my house. It isn't really the friend's fault, but most likely my friend would be the one taking responsibility (such as for asking the toddler to apologize and, if relevant, reminding the kid not to throw things or run inside the house or whatever). They can't control the toddler, but still are responsible for them as the parent.

That's how we see it.

I'm curious to open up this discussion, so:

What does "system accountability" mean to you?

I have my own feelings I just want to open up a discussion post

[thefloatingstone]

hello cpuff, how are you?

i have an adhd related question and need your advise

i would like to try a medical treatment for my adhd again but im very traumatised by my first time. it was apparently a small dosage and the side effects were horrible (i do believe my therapist was only for children too)

how did you find out what treatment was right? do you need a treatment to get by in everyday life?

im going to university soon and i dont want to fuck it up.. :')

thanks in advance!

Hey Toast!

I'm in a unique position in that despite being born in the late 80s and growing up in the early 90s, my dad is a doctor and my mom was heavily involved in his medical practice. So I was very lucky to be diagnosed with "Type 2 ADD" from the age of 4 or 5. My mom did have me on Ritalin as a small child but I wasn't on the medication long although she can't remember why she discontinued it. But something wasn't working for me.

As an adult, my ADHD is a type that is high functioning for most things, thankfully. I still have big struggles, and as a result I developed the fun little splinter skill called "Anxiety disorder" to counteract the forgetfulness, procrastination, avoidance and general executive dysfunction. It works for a lot of things... but it's still an anxiety disorder which has its OWN symptoms and detriments.

As a result, I'm not on any ADHD specific medication. Although most of them are illegal here anyway due to them being an amphetamine. The medication I am on is for the anxiety disorder which became necessary after some extremely traumatic events in 2018 when I hit my limit.

When I was in matric, I self medicated with vasts amount of diet coke (it was the caffeine which helped focus). I still have an extremely difficult time with studying if it's a subject I don't find interesting as my brain will heavily resist the study period itself and will "dump" any information I learn during studying because it doesn't produce dopamine and so the brain function considers it "useless information." (this isn't me trying to be cute. This is a gross simplification of what actually happens cognitively).

At the moment I am trying to study for the ILETS exam and I admit it's very difficult and I am avoiding it a lot.

I am using a star sticker reward system which has worked for me in the past. (it doesn't seem as effective these days but it used to work very well). And I try and limit how much I study to extremely short sessions more frequently than doing long study periods. I also do a lot more cramming the day before as a result of how my brain treats "undesired information".

The flip side is I remember random trivia and knowledge in subjects I enjoy for literally decades...

Anyway I'm rambling.

I don't know if it would be beneficial to you and your ADHD make-up, but I find that behavioural therapy, reward systems and structure work better for me in lieu of medication. (outside of the anxiety meds to manage anxiety symptoms. The medication does not take away the functional anxiety that counter-acts the ADHD luckily). The only downside here is that BECAUSE of my ADHD I struggle to do a lot of the therapy practice specifically designed to help manage my symptoms. (but I am not in a place where I can find ADHD specific therapy to help me with how my brain functions). But I DO find repetitive practice, structure, and breaking things down into the tiniest most basic tasks does help a TINY bit.

That, and doing more than one thing at once. THAT one is a winner for me. Cooking supper? Put on a video to listen to as I do so. Driving? podcast time. Working? youtube tutorial time. reading? music time. (just no lyrics). Jogging? More podcasts/audiobooks.

As well as different methods of processing information. If you can, try to find places that present the material you want to learn in a unique manner. I'm currently 1/4 through the first Dune novel because a DJ made a 23 hour video putting the audiobook to his own lo-fi mixes and trippy visuals. Which resulted in me very quickly memorising a LOT of names and world building which I'm normally terrible at. I tend to internalise information best through video than reading. But when I do read a physical book, audio input is a big must as my brain gets bored otherwise and I lose focus.

My friends with ADHD have great success with journalling in bullet point although it doesn't work for me. (I start, it works great, then I stop doing it and forget it was a working method.) They found breaking things down into bullet points helps them bring order to their thoughts. Same with calendars.

Use multi coloured pens. This is a BIG help. Just writing every paragraph in a new colour helps so much for re-reading notes and stops you skimming a huge text wall.

Speak to your lecturer and make them aware that you will doodle in class while they lecture, and that you are doing so because it stops you from getting visually distracted while they lecture and helps you process audio better. Maybe they won't care but it's best just to let them know "I'm not ignoring you so don't call me out."

I hope some of this can be helpful in SOME way... I still struggle a lot so I don't have a lot of answers because I mostly feel like I don't function well at all. And what I do function with I only function with out of dumb luck.

I know I have adult mutuals who also have ADHD so maybe some of them can help chime in with more tips. (I won't tag them because I don't want to call them out without permission)

[dissociationawareness]

It's funny how quiet multiplicity can be.

It's almost as if internal experiences aren't easily observable to others outside of us - like how people often don't know when people are sad.

It often feels like a large part of severe dissociative disorders is denial - both internally and externally. It's like how depression and anxiety can produce delusions that warp a person's perception of reality in ways that would be obvious if they weren't so well hidden.

Like how I convince myself I'm not multiple anymore, like I somehow developed a singular self by magic at age 30. I want to convince myself that being multiple is a thing for children (I mean, isn't it? In that it's developmentally normal for kids under age 10), like I'm immature for having this developmental disorder... yet I readily accept that I have ADHD even though practitioners have suggested that I've grown out of it because I mask well (though still having severe deficits in executive function, though that's muddied by dissociation from childhood to now).

Like how my therapist says I haven't talked about them in awhile, while I know that not only are they still there, but that some dissociative barriers are still present (though much more difficult to trigger at this point). Like missing several hours of an especially stressful day at work, or hearing myself say something that I don't ever say, after I've been half present for hours.

I'd like to think that we mostly work together these days. I like to believe I've progressed on a continuum in symptomology from DID to OSDD because the activity has progressed from like 10 to 3 over the last few years.

And it's odd that at times I'm both still incredibly grateful that I'm not alone, but also ok with and distressed by loneliness.

It feels like therapy has taken me a far way, yet there's still so much to be done. All I really know is that the bulk of the work I felt was necessary on the dissociation itself seems largely done, yet the work on it's exacerbations has been largely ignored.

I don't see dissociation as a disorder I'm dealing with anymore, but a symptom of other disorders, namely the anxiety that rules my life. I think what dysfunctional dissociation I still experience would be greatly improved by simply addressing the anxiety that pushes my brain to that space.

I wonder a lot if that would make me somehow not multiple anymore. I've come to the conclusion that while I'd accept that if it were a natural process, that the structure of my brain will always make that level of dissociation possible - that my others are compartmentalizations in my brain - both part of me, yet distinctly separate. I don't view that as a thing to repair, I see it as a survival mechanism. It's almost like a super power - some inherent ability I'm capable of that most folks are not because my brain developed differently. If I could remove the disorder, there'd be nothing wrong with it - it's like a backup in my head if I can't cope with the situation.

I'm grateful for them as I've ever been. Even when the denial strikes and I think they're gone, I can just be assured that what's happening is I'm coping well with the present stressors. And even if I convince myself I'm somehow one, I know that should stress ever overcome my ability to cope, they'll be there to back me up. At this point, seeing who still fronts and knowing more about the system, who tends to front for what sorts of stressors... I can at least be assured that if I lose time, that time will be in good hands.

As always, we exist to survive, and regardless of my desires, that is what we will continue to do.

[adhdpal]

ADHD and the Executive Functions

TLDR; ADHDers struggle with executive dysfunction, which is struggling with the executive functions (EFs) of the brain that help us in different areas of our lives. The core EFs are inhibition (regulating our emotions and behaviour), working memory (remember information to work with it) and cognitive flexibility (thinking flexibly enough so we don’t struggle with change or thinking differently).

There’s a plethora of symptoms for ADHDers that go beyond the typical inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity, but they’re not commonly talked about, like how we struggle with executive dysfunction.

What are the executive functions?

They’re a group of mental processes that are essential for us to go through life, these are cognitive skills like planning, prioritising, initiating tasks and motivation. They affect how we manage work, school, our mental and physical health and even how we socialise.

Executive functions (or EFs) can be categorised in two types, organisation and regulatory abilities. The first ones are about gathering and structuring information in our brains, the second is about evaluating that information to make a response to it. This is what makes us look at something we like and think about how much we need it and set a level of priority for it.

Besides these two big categories, there are three core functions; inhibition, working memory and cognitive flexibility.

Inhibition

Inhibitory control is the ability that helps us to control our attention, behaviour, thoughts and emotions in response to an internal or external stimulus so we don’t let our instincts be in charge of everything.

Considering this, we already can see how this core EF is really impaired when it comes to ADHD. After all, the most common struggles and symptoms of it have to do with how we regulate our attention when there’s different distractions near us, our impulsivity and our issues with emotional regulation.

Working memory

This core EF involves holding information in our brains so we can mentally work with it. This is like when you cook and you have to remember the steps you followed from a recipe so you don’t accidentally go through the same step twice.

Considering the definition of working memory, it’s important we differentiate it with short-term memory, which doesn’t manipulate information, just stores it for a short period of time and it isn’t actually hit with ADHD as working memory is.

This is quite a critical skill, because it’s thanks to this one that we can make sense of what just happened so we know what to do next with that information. And it’s also a skill that’s greatly impaired for us ADHD folk, kinda like when I go grab a pot that was on the stove and burn myself, and then go for it a second time until I finally remember “wait, I’ll go get the oven mitt”.

Cognitive flexibility

The last core EF is the build up of the first two. This one is about being able to change perspectives spatially and interpersonally, changing how we think about something or thinking outside the box, adjust to priorities or demands that change, admit we’re wrong and even take advantage of sudden opportunities that present to us.

ADHDers are VERY good at being outside the box thinkers, we’re great when there’s a problem that needs a new solution to fix it, we’re fast to take risks and we usually like change. So you may wonder why are we still talking about it? Well, that’s because cognitive flexibility is also involved in task shifting which is a very common problem for ADHDers, if there’s sudden changes to our routines we can abandon them because we just can’t make ourselves go back to it, and some of us do struggle to take opportunities that are good for us.

This EF may not be as clearly impaired as the first two, but that doesn’t mean we don’t struggle with it.

Executive dysfunction

There’s something a lot of ADHDers are not aware of, including myself until a few years ago. The reason we struggle so much to do something that seems so simple to others, the reason why we can have great days that are so productive only to find it so hard the next day to just send an email and be an adult, that’s because of impaired executive function, which is called executive dysfunction.

As Dr. Russel Barkley usually says, ADHD is not a deficit of attention, but a deficit of executive functions. Not all ADHDers struggle with the same EFs, and not all of us struggle the same way, but there are six clusters of EFs that tend to be impaired in us; activation, focus, effort, emotion, memory and action.

Activation is about organising tasks and the materials we need to do something, estimating time, and actually getting started. Focus is managing our attention as needed during a task, be it sustaining it or shifting it. Effort has to do with regulating alertness, sustaining motivation and processing speed during a task. Emotion and memory are strongly linked to inhibition and working memory, so it’s just what you read before. And finally action is about monitoring and regulating physical activity.

Just as not two ADHDers are the same, not two days of one ADHDer will be the same, and this is because executive dysfunction can be linked to dopamine, a neurotransmitter that we don’t produce in the same amount as non-ADHDers. Because of this, EFs are also linked to our interests, which is why it’s SO much easier to gather snacks for game night, sustaining focus and motivation to keep on playing while being aware of what our body does to get the special moves, but we can’t do the same when it’s about writing that 10 page essay on co-property in law school (yes, I am having war flashbacks).

What can I do about it?

I am no expert, but I do like to read what experts have to say when it comes to ADHD, and for some problems taking our medicine is all we need, for others the best strategy is working with a psychologist and occupational therapist, or going for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, commonly known as CBT. There’s not a one-shoe-fits-all solution even in the professionals’ opinion, especially when there’s comorbidities like depression or anxiety that also impair our EFs.

Besides that, we can always tackle these issues with some external help, like making calendars in a very obvious place so we don’t lose track of time, use organisational apps like Todoist in synch with Google Calendar so we can add tasks fast and have it all synched in our devices. Something that helps a lot is having accountability, talk with someone you trust and tell them about your struggles and your plans, sometimes having someone else to talk to really makes a difference. If you want a lighter method of accountability, you could also try body-doubling, a passive way of accountability.

Hope you enjoyed reading this far! For more information, check the sources, the first one has more in depth strategies. And remember, I’m not a medical professional, I just have ADHD and love to read about it.

Sources:

- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-best-strategies-managing-adult-adhd/201601/adult-adhd-and-work-improving-executive-function

- https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4084861/

- https://www.additudemag.com/what-is-executive-function-disorder/

- https://memory.ucsf.edu/symptoms/executive-functions

- https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165178119310376#

- https://www.additudemag.com/what-is-executive-function-disorder/

- https://vistapineshealth.com/treatment/adhd/impact-memory/