#Also I know executive dysfunction happens outside of ADHD

[eleilinnrallin]

I wish in general discussion of ADHD that executive dysfunction wasn't used to just mean difficulty with task switching and task initiation.

Like, there's so much more that is a part of executive functioning! Executive functioning includes impulse control, emotional regulation, working memory, attention, awareness of time, goal formation, planning, and that's not even all of it. It's a broad catogory of cognitive processes, not just a single symptom.

ADHD symptoms do mostly fall under executive dysfunction because ADHD is an executive functioning disorder.

In general terms, it's not wrong to include difficulties in task switching and initiation in executive dysfunction! They are certainly a part of that! But oversimplifying executive dysfunction to only be task switching and initiation difficulties isn't accurate and gives an inaccurate picture of ADHD as a whole (or at least, from what I've seen, it impacts the discussion surrounding ADHD negatively).

It might just be me. idk. But discussing precise problems while calling them by a blanket term can make it hard to identify what exactly the block is. For example, if I'm having trouble getting started on a task and I just say "oh I'm struggling with executive dysfunction right now" that doesn't tell me anything about what's wrong. But if I say "I'm struggling with task initiation; I keep meaning to do it but don't know where to start" then I can think through the steps to start. Or if it's motivation, "I'm struggling with motivation" means I can think of how to overcome that. "This is overwhelming" means I can plan. "I don't want to stop what I'm doing/this is a task switching problem" means I can decide if I need to finish the task at hand or trick my brain into swapping.

(This is a separate problem but then you also have people saying execytive dysfunction is laziness or results in laziness when they are meaning that difficulty with task initiation. Even if it was true that difficulty with task initiation was laziness (it's not), saying that executive dysfunction = laziness is so incorrect. That would mean poor short term memory = laziness. That would mean hyperactivity = laziness. That would mean emotional dysregulation = laziness. And none of these are even CLOSE to true. That's another issue though.)

[kamianya-ttv]

You’re not lazy, you’re neurodivergent:

A post on executive dysfunction, ADHD inattentiveness and hyperfocus, and whatever else occurred to me as related as I originally wrote this for twitter.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably been called lazy by people in your life. But the thing is, there’s almost no-one (if anyone) who’s actually lazy. And I promise you, if you’ve felt guilty because there are things you should be doing and can’t get them done? You are NOT lazy.

I'll get to executive dysfunction, the main focus of this thread in a moment. Because I want to start by talking about ADHD and hyperfocus.

Is it hard for you to pay attention to things you don't enjoy, but can focus for hours on things you do?

Does the world ever disappear to the point you forget to eat/drink while you're working? Can you suddenly get days worth of work done in a short amount of time, but only once it's the last minute, or when you get into the zone? But you don't necessarily have control over getting into that mode?

Hyperfocus

The reason this is related to this thread is that often this is the "proof" that you're lazy. Look, if you're interested you get things done! Look at how much you can do when you "just make yourself" or "just focus"! Clearly you just don't want to do the thing.

I can't tell you how many days I've sat there trying to get into a zone that's eluding me, losing sleep and feeling guilty, just to finally hyperfocus in the final day and pull out a miracle.

But I have ZERO ability to force it (I have tricks! but it's not the same).

Hyperfocus often gets brought up as a "you can't have ADHD, look how focus on the things you enjoy! Look what happens when you do focus!"

But actually, it's a major aspect of inattentive ADHD!

So, that's why hyperfocus matters in this convo.

Now onto Executive Dysfunction.

To start with, a quick note: Executive dysfucntion is not just an ADHD thing. It's an aspect of a lot of different neurodivergencies.

Also, this is primarily from my perspective as a person with ADHD, I'd love to hear your versions of these experiences!)

I like to describe executive dysfunction as "the start button isn't there."

Also, this isn't just for chores or boring things.

Have you ever sat there going "I want to game" but it just never happens?

I sure have!

When you have executive dysfunction, this means that starting tasks can be near impossible. You just can't get yourself to start it. Often, you may sit there staring at the document with the blinking cursor, or looking at the stove, or glancing at the full laundry basket, etc

But again, there's no start button. You just can't do the thing. Which makes it really hard when people tell you to just focus, or that you could do it if you just cared, or that you're just lazy.

Because we want to do the thing! We do!

(I mean, okay, want may be a strong word sometimes, I never WANT to do chores, but it's still not an intentional putting it off. It's more an "I need to do this thing, I know I need to, I want it to be done, but I can't get myself to do it")

Now for me, and many with ADHD, once someone points out you haven't done the thing, or when the deadline comes close, suddenly the start button appears

Which again, people use as proof you totally could have done the thing the whole time.

So clearly you were just lazy & are only doing it cause you got yelled at/prodded/nagged.

But this isn't true, there was no start button!

@adhd-alien has a PERFECT comic on this: https://twitter.com/ADHD_Alien/status/1138475368191598594

Now, we learn tricks to deal with this. Or meds may help.

For me, I find ways to enforce outside deadlines, or I'm more likely to have. a start button for something I'm doing with/for other people.

But ultimately, our brains just don't work the same.

So for someone where the start buttons are always there, who assumes everyone is the same as them, it looks like we're actively making the choice not to hit start.

So they call us lazy, unable to see us desperately trying to hit a button that's just. Not. There.

Now, add on to this all the other comorbidities that come with neurodivergency, we almost never have just one thing. Add on physical disabilities or chronic/invisible illnesses or chronic pain or fatigue.

All of these make it so much harder.

There are SO many things that affect our abilities to get things done.

For example, I had a doctor appointment four days in a row (OT, neurologist, OT, infusion). I also helped schedule an event, and did a stream.

Before MS and chronic pain that would be nothing.

I could have done SO much more, filled my days with getting things done.

Now? I'm spending today on the couch, recovering before my stream tonight.

And I have to fight so much guilt, because I feel like I should be doing more. But my body just CAN'T.

So.

Do you feel guilty, but you just can't start the thing?

Is there no start button?

Are you exhausted and your body is insisting you rest?

There are so many things that affect our ability to do things.

Brains, bodies, the world we live in.

But you're not lazy.

[paris-geller-was-straightwashed]

'that adhd feel of-' 'adhd is not being able to' 'adhd is when you forget-' you're describing executive dysfunction. that's...it's executive dysfunction. like I NEED you to understand this.

I don't think this is purposefully malicious but jesus fucking christ it's no wonder the ~neurodiverse~ community on here can feel super alienating. I'd fucking eat own shoe if any so-called 'neurospicy' (derogatory) blogs can name EVEN ONE other condition then either adhd or autism as part of neurodiversity. ppl think it starts and ends there - and what I find the most infuriating, is that one of the most common symptoms when it comes to diverse brains (aka executive dysfunction) is talked about like it's SOLELY for adhd.

look. I got dyspraxia and ocd - two things considered a part of the neurodiverse umbrella. I also have learning disabilities that have affected my whole school life, and memory issues that I've been explaining to people as to why I've already forgotten their name since I was a kid. YET, ocd is rarely talked about in neurodiverse circles or even considered, and I'll literally pay two bucks to anyone reading this who can tell me what dyspraxia is (who isn't a professional or someone who has it, and if you do have dyspraxia, then I am giving you a cookie and fist bump). yet often, when I see posts passed around talking about issues like poor motivation or time blindness or bad memory, I find a lot to relate to - bc executive dysfunction, in case anyone missed it, affects many, many conditions! you don't even have to be neurodiverse; it's known to affect those with anxiety and depression too! there's so much layover - yet, I will see, inevitably, the post attributed to adhd or possibly asd. frankly, it's both alienating to those with other neurodiverse conditions, and possibly misleading, even if unintentional, to say it's an 'adhd thing.' you guys run the market and it's over-saturated; I'm just asking for adhd/asd to share a piece of it's throne.

to be honest, as what's considered a 'neurodiverse person', I barely find any commonality within the community. yes, as mentioned above, I will relate to common shared symptoms like executive dysfunction, but it's a complete shut-out when we act like those symptoms are only attributed to one condition. frankly with my ocd, I find way more commonality in schizophrenia/paranoia/psychosis communities then in the ND one (I would never act or say I know what it's like to experience those conditions, but I can relate to the fear of some outside force telling you something horrible is going to/will happen), and with dyspraxia, even when we talk about it, it gets so little coverage and recognition it leaves the whole community a bit dry. if anyone gives a shit, then maybe shine the light on us and others kicked to the sides (ppl with learning disabilities, dysgraphia, language disorders, and those with schizophrenia/affective disorders like I mentioned earlier, who are so often vilified by ppl online and on this site). we all struggle with executive dysfunction and a million other layover symptoms, and the nerotypical world is just as hard for us to navigate even if no one is bothering to listen.

I'm rambling at this point. everyone just..do better and actually recognize the 'diversity' in 'neurodiverse.'

[turtletaubwrites]

With your message about ur mental health and stuff, thank you for putting that out there. Mental health is extremely important, and it’s good to prioritize that. On that note, it brings me such joy that you have a community here and that you enjoy writing as much as I enjoy reading your stories. Genuinely, if you ever need to reach out or rant to anyone, there is a community of people here for you. We really value the time you put into your stories. The care you put into the characters and the plot. Thank you for the check in. On that note, ahhhhhh I love numbers game so much! Also I’m the same way with the white beard pirates. I love their dynamic so much and ahhh I won’t go too into now since I don’t wanna get you off track. Just know when it’s the white beard pirates time to shine I will be here!!!!!

- ⭐️ anon

😭😭😭😭😭 Thank you!! It means so much to me that y'all are here hanging out, reading my words, AND being so dang kind!! 😭🙏🏼

I'm also so grateful that I can be open about my mental health here. I do my best to tag it, and "keep reading" the heavy or in depth stuff, but it is so lovely. I used to be incredibly open and outspoken about mental health awareness, and would discuss my diagnoses publicly (even did some keynote speaking about it), but that was before I got my BIG diagnoses 3-4 years ago, and with my current job, I haven't felt comfortable speaking openly about it. It makes me pretty dang grumpy.

Unfortunately there's still a lot of stigma surrounding Bipolar and OCD. I've been open about PTSD and ADHD, but haven't felt safe enough to share the others.

Thank you for letting me have space for this, it means the world to me!

And yes, don't get me distracted! Lol, not that anything could pull me away from NUMBERS GAME right now, but you keep putting the Whitebeard Pirates in my head!!!

You are the loveliest, ⭐ anon! I hope you have big smiles today!

~ Lynna 💜✨

Below the cut is an update on my current mental health, and possible episode. It is a personal vent about the yuck, so please, please don't read it if you're not down for a dump at the moment! I will not be offended if you scroll past! (cw bipolar, cw mixed episode, cw vent post)

Tumblr is really weird about the cut sliding around on ask posts for some reason, so if you see any text below this, please scroll past it!

Thank you so much for the kind words!!

It's rough out here.

I already have a hard time doing things. ANY things. Executive dysfunction with ADHD is one of the biggest struggles I've dealt with my entire life.

Right now though, it's all piling up. Friends and loved ones texts and calls. Random life tasks and responsibilities. Work tasks put off (and my company falling apart isn't helping me with that motivation 😩). Job hunting is not happening as it should.

My physical health is not great right now, and it's making it more difficult for me to want to participate in the outside world.

I have a feeling I'm in another mixed episode (a lovely cocktail of mania and depression 🙃). The intense hyperfixation that is going beyond the adhd levels, plus the espresso depresso times point to that.

Or maybe I'm just focusing on the thing that is bringing me comfort and joy during this difficult time.

Either way, all I want to do is write. I'm working with my therapist on pushing myself back into doing other things in the world. I'm going to visit family this weekend. I'm slowly, slowly getting there.

But honestly, I'm just so grateful to have this right now. To have these stories, to have people read them and enjoy them, and talk to me about them. I've never had a hobby or hyperfixation that was so rewarding, healing, or this long term. I know that I would not be doing well with my current circumstances if I didn't have these stories running through my brain everyday, and the satisfaction of capturing and sharing them.

Life sucks (not always, lol 🙃), but we find the things that make it bearable. That give us some joy.

Right now, that's Cross Guild smut & angst 😅

And all of you kind, funny, wonderful people in this lil corner of the internet.

You have no idea how much it means to me 💜💜💜

[ethicallysourcedhumanmeat]

I think a thing I've never really considered, as an ND person, when it comes to masking and maintaining close friendships is like there's sometimes a selfishness to being completely myself.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, we all deserve the safety and freedom to be ourselves! I think that there is maybe still like a level of conderation that, for myself at least, I need to be aware of.

I've been sort of overanalyzing a friendship after a kind of situation arose because I noticed a pattern. I always like to address situations and be aware of what is causing an issue and like how to correct it from either end.

It's a really dear friendship and we have struggled a few times in different but similar ways and I think in the end it comes down to me and being totally unmasked and as a result there’s a sort of selfishness that happens that I need to be more accountable for.

I don't know really if I have exact words for it but I think like, yes masking is self preservation but I know when I mask there’s a level of awareness I dont possess otherwise and I started thinking that rather than thinking of it like putting on a mask its more layering for cold weather.

So perhaps instead of removing all my layers just because I am safe with someone I think maybe I should consider that person and if it's respectful of Them or their situation to remover all my outside layers.

like I vocal stim, but I mask that with most people. If I'm with a safe person who may have a sensory issue with a sound I should leave that layer on because thats respectful.

I think in a childish way, and without intending to, I've left responsibility on friends I'm comfortable to be with unmasked that's unfair to them. Like an unconscious expectation to be reminded of plans. With work or school or other things I'm more likely to immediately set reminders but I think with close friends i relax/don't rush because 'they'll remind me if i forget the reminder' and that's not super fair if forgetting is happening 50% of the time.

I guess the catalyst to this thought process was thinking about the 'mental load' conversion around wives and husbands and weaponized incompetence bc sometimes the symptoms of my adhd will mirror that and I think there is a bearing of a mental load associated with caring for someone with executive dysfunction at the very least and like what's the solution to that.

because its seems unfair to just expect that from a person you care about but the reverse seems unfair also so what's the happy medium and I think personally its less thinking of my ND as 1 mask i put on and take off and rather each trait is a separate layer, and paybe something things come in pairs like boots and gloves.

So I started to think, if I'm safe with this person and I can take off all those layers with them, they've even said so. Maybe they've even offered to turn the heat up if Im cold so i can take my sweater off.

But maybe I notice they're uncomfortable with the heat turned up, even tho they offered so next time i just keep my sweater on and maybe some days i make an excuse to keep my hat on you know?

Because yeah it's nice to pull all the layers off but it's not always respectful or necessary (or even fair) to expect people to take on that version of me 100% of the time. Even if they say its ok.

I guess all that to say I think as a neurodivergent person that the key to maintaining friendships is the ability to be completely yourself with someone but being respectful of the middle ground and trying to find the balance between them.

[curiouschaosstarlight]

hello!! this is some encouragement! I also have anxieties, as well as general difficulty Living Life due to executive dysfunction. but that Want you have is proof enough that you SHOULD push out a little more! your bones long for sunshine, your brain longs for other brains to bounce off of! something that helped me out was two things: resolving to go on more little walks, and learning how to cook better. it's small, and neither will Totally Change Your Life, but it's an extra Kick to get you moving and more used to having some variety. anxiety-wise, i would examine WHAT anxieties you have and make appropriate preparations. scared of getting hurt? see if there's any martial arts places in your area; learning some self-defense and improving your Reaction reflexes can help with that A LOT. worried about poor interactions with strangers? first, think of some ways they could go WELL. then, think of some /realistic/ ways they could go bad, and practice calming down and accepting those circumstances. the cashier being mildly annoyed with you is not the end of the world, after all! stuff like that. and i know we basically never talk, but i see you in my notes quite a lot, so i've come to consider you a friend :) please, feel free to say howdy anytime! even if it's just tagging in a meme.

Hey, same hat!! (Well, probably. I don't have an -official- diagnosis because...well, because the healthcare system sucks and I keep getting the runaround, but it's getting increasingly clear to me and my loved ones that I probably have really bad, undiagnosed ADHD)

I definitely need to go on more walks TwT I was doing really well, going on walks with my mom on early mornings! ...but then, story of my life, Something Happened and "The Habit" Broke. (In this case, it snowed and mom didn't want to walk when there was a bunch of snow on the ground, and I didn't want to go without her) So I have to restart the walking (again), but I still need to do it. I want to cook stuff more often ;w; even if it's just simple stuff. But my current physical situation (slightly with me and my injured shoulder, but primarily with certain stuff outside of my control), that is currently not an option for me qvq

Ironically, fun fact, for all my anxieties and emotional problems, walking around alone has never really scared me (even, or rather especially, at night; night walks are my JAM) unless it's ~mosquito hours~ (See, I have fans! Thousands and thousands of teeny tiny ones........they only want me for my body tho.......) ...Conversely, my body's reaction to rejection (or even perceived rejection) is aaaallll janked up to high heavens qvq and the idea that someone will hate me/dislike me/think I'm "weird" or "annoying" is definitely my biggest obstacle when it comes to approaching new people. (The rise of purity/callout/cancel culture has, uh, definitely not helped as you might imagine...) Definitely my currently biggest problem is I don't have any good ways of calming myself without going to my two best friends for support/distraction, which...really isn't viable in a lot of situations. (<- Something that I realized while reading this ask!) I'm sort of good at doing things like pressing "send" or "join" past my panic and just letting myself panic fully afterwards, but this also is not good long-term...something I absolutely need to look into more.

Awww! ^w^ Thank you! We may not talk much, but I do really value the times you do respond to the stuff I say! And I will! (Also, memes are definitely funner when you have more people to tag >:3c)

[serabellyms]

   ⬐ @dutyworn ⬎

🎨Are you neurodivergent or disabled? Anything that uniquely affects your RPing?

Yes, to both.

I am neurodivergent because I have been diagnosed with ADHD. I don't like the specific descriptor of "I'm disabled" for myself (as I feel that makes it sound like I'm entirely incapable of certain things that I very much am capable of possibly with accommodations, but that's personal interpretation), but I do consider myself to be a person with a disability, one that affects how I function in my day-to-day and one that requires accommodations to maintain that functionality.

Specifically, the way this negatively affects my RPing is in three ways: executive function (or dysfunction, rather), hyperfixation, and working memory. I also have really crappy eyesight (strabismus). More details under the cut because this one got... really long.

EXECUTIVE FUNCTION/DYSFUNCTION:

Executive function/dysfunction is simple: some days, no matter how much I want to write, I can't. My brain just can't do the thing. It sucks. Sometimes it means I have to do something else until my brain unlocks the gate. Sometimes that's later that day, sometimes it's after my meds kick in, sometimes it's not for a few days or a week. Outside factors, such as work, life events, holidays, etc. all affect that ability to function, so I don't always have the spoons left to write, no matter how desperately I want to. So it just... won't happen. Do I wish I could power through it? Absolutely. Can I? No. That's not how my brain works.

HYPERFIXATION:

Hyperfixation is a little different. Hyperfixation means that something new and shiny has my brain's attention, and I can't just pull my brain away from it. It could be making icons, it could be finishing up my blog pages, it could be one or two particular muses or a particular fandom that's taken over another fandom, etc. I do my best to reign in my hyperfocus by not rapidly adding or removing muses (believe me, I probably had 30 muses that I was like "I would LIKE to write this muse" and ended up cutting it back to muses I knew I would be likely to stick with, or that had the most urge in my brain) but sometimes, that's just how it be. This is actually the reason my blog is so focused on Mass Effect/on my Mass Effect muses: Mass Effect has been a hyperfixation for me for the last couple years.

WORKING MEMORY:

Working memory is by far the worst. This is why I ask for certain accommodations such as my interest tracker. My interest tracker isn't just a one-and-done thing on my end with the spreadsheet; I take the time to carefully and meticulously organize the responses in a way that I can interpret. I have tabs for each verse, columns per-muse, and I pull that information from the initial fill-out on my mutuals' end over to secondary sheets that I can more easily reference. I have a tab that ties mun names and pronouns to blog names, as well as the muse(s) they write that I either have interacted with or am likely to interact with.

The reason this accommodation is needed is because the layout of everyone's blogs, rules, muse page, etc is DIFFERENT from blog to blog. What might be at the top of someone's rules page is only in another's pinned post, or in another's about page, or is at the bottom of it, is in their blog description... you get the idea. This means that if I'm looking for a particular piece of information, I may have to check six places, per blog, to find it. Not being able to find it, or not knowing where it might be, or simply not remembering it leads to me feeling incredibly frustrated, which leads into feeling demotivated and other crappy feelings.

That's also especially difficult for someone like me who switches devices, as I often write from my iPad and not always from my desktop. Having my tracker compiles that information in a method that I can comprehend and understand with my disability, helps me keep track of things, and helps keep me on top of things. It is essential to my functionality running my blog. Period.

Now---I'm flexible when it comes to what's actually in the interest tracker. I don't treat it as you're locked in to only the characters you pick in the tracker (and it's set up that you can update it on your end at any time, and it notifies me if it's updated) and can't pick any more after that. Not at all! That's where communication comes in. If there's a new muse you want to interact with that I added, or you watched a new piece of media that I already had on my blog and you want those muses, you can either ask me directly, or update the tracker. It's cool.

But the fact of the matter is, I do need it filled out for my functionality, and it is incredibly frustrating that five minutes, at most, of someone's time is too much for an accommodation. What is a minor inconvenience or discomfort for one person greatly affects my functionality in ways I can't fully explain (and that honestly, I shouldn't have to explain) and the fact that some people can't make that one small step just grinds my gears to no end.

MY SHITTY EYESIGHT:

This isn't one I talk about too often, because I'm in the process of working with it (and it has been improving over the last 6 months), but: the reason I ask for certain text aesthetics to be tagged is, in simple terms, because my eyes suck.

The more complex answer is I have what is known as eye misalignment/strabismus/crossed eyes. My eyes don't quite line up properly (they're not visibly crossed, so it's nothing crazy like that), but because of this, my eyes do not focus properly the way they should. It's intermittent, which means that it's not happening all the time, and it's to a degree that's not physically noticeable without special testing (which I've had done).

What this essentially means is that when I'm doing anything---watching TV, on the computer, on my phone, etc---the muscles around my eyes will flex repeatedly in order to maintain focus. We're talking as often as every five to ten seconds throughout the day when I'm trying to read on the computer. Given the fact that my job does require me to be on the computer during the day, it's not something I can just avoid. In most cases, my brain will try to avoid flexing those muscles by filling in the gaps (similarly to how the blind spot in the eye works), which reduces the strain. It causes headaches and neck stiffness, something which I've had chronically for months now. It also means that my eyesight worsens drastically; over the last 2 years, I've gone from about a -2.75 to a -4.25 prescription. THAT'S A LOT.

But what does this mean for multi-spaced aesthetics? Because the spacing is unnatural, my brain can't fill in the gaps, and has to flex to focus. This means that when exposed to text in this manner, the response in my eyes is almost immediate; if I were to spend two to three minutes reading an entire post, I'd have a headache for the rest of the day. That's debilitating. That's why I ask it to be tagged. That's why it's INTEGRAL that it's tagged for me.

[hauntedwoman]

Sorry if this is too personal. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Whats it like being Autistic? When did you realize you were Autistic?

no it's not too personal at all !!

i guess what autism really feels like for me is just constantly feeling like im battling my brain to get the most basic stuff done. i have really bad executive dysfunction and i get crippling task paralysis all the time. like, for example, if i need to take a shower and i have no clean clothes, but someone else is washing their clothes in the laundry machine, i'll have a meltdown bc there's nothing i can do to get what i need to do done. i also have a very specific routine when it comes to showering like when and how i shower. like if i've just washed my hair and my mom asks me to help her outside with something i'll freak out bc that means i'll have to shower again (which is something i don't rly enjoy doing in the first place).

i also have several sensory issues, esp when it comes to smells and sounds. i don't like dogs bc they usually smell bad to me and they're loud. i don't like children for the same reason + the fact that they're very unpredictable. it's also rly rly hard for me to leave my house most of the time bc if i leave the house and get overstimulated i'll have a panic attack or i'll disassociate severely to cope with the overstimulation and still end up having a panic attack.

and in addition to all of that, it's also very hard for me to make friends or form meaningful relationships. personally with my autism, i have lower empathy levels. i'm not really interested in the people around me unless i'm looking for patterns in their behavior so i can assess how to interact with them. i'm not generally curious about other people and their interests and when people get rly emotional around me i tend to go non-verbal and freeze up bc i don't know how to deal with those sorts of things. i also have a tendency to hyperfixate/hyperfocus on new relationships and it's rly exhausting when that happens bc i completely abandon every other aspect of myself and my interests just to think about that person all the time.

on top of all of that, i'm also constantly masking my excitement towards certain things and masking my behaviors so that they fit into a neurotypical standard. i don't let myself get too excited when a special interest is mentioned, i tend to compose myself in a very aloof and indifferent way to combat my tendencies to act neurodivergently.

this is already getting way too long i'm sorry but i suspected that i was autistic probably when quarantine started in 2020. i knew that i already have adhd but the more i researched autism and how it presents in girls/women i realized i identified a lot with the symptoms (is that the right word ? idk.) and last september i finalyl got a professional psych eval done and i got diagnosed.

i hope that answered your question. there's probably a lot more that i have forgotten considering autism impacts every single part of my life bc the way my brain is wired is fundamentally different, but i can't think of everything right now.

[sevilemar]

okay, here is a very long list of random things that I thought of

Let's do this!

- I am pretty confident I'm a prep-work secondary; it drives me crazy that my roommate/best friend doesn't think ahead whatsoever. what if you forget something? don't you want to make things easier on future-you???

You can't really predict the future, though, so why invest time now that might turn out to be wasted later? Better to just look at how things are now and work with that 😉.

Yeah, prep-work secondary sounds about right.

- I have ADHD (among other issues) and executive dysfunction problems, and the way I've found best to cope with this is by doing things immediately; doing the dishes immediately after using them prevents food from getting stuck, they won't sit in the sink with food on them, and I only have to do a few dishes now rather than a bunch later

I admire anyone who can keep this up consistently. I tried so many times, and it only worked for a day or so. The only way I can keep my dishes from taking over is to limit them. If I have only one plate for everything, I either use it dirty, or I have to clean it before using it again. Same with bowls, glasses, etc.

- I collect various "tools" (interests, hobbies, skills, people) for fun and/or maybe it'll come in handy later? and I have a really hard time learning things when I HAVE to, even if I want to for practical reasons (this is related to the point above)

Hello there, birdy.

- I used to try to join or build communities; I was THE person who would see separate friends/acquaintances with things in common and introduce them to each other and end up making a group that way. I think I still have inclinations to do this, but I barely interact with people outside my circle anymore due to lower social energy

And badger's here, too, welcome!

- I have been described as "collecting interesting people"; I've also been described as "knowing everyone" and "being able to get government secrets out of an fbi agent" (semi-related to the point above)- people used to trust me very easily and see me as non-threatening (and project onto me/romanticize me, which I wanted?)

Know-a-guy bird? Courtier badger?

- I (both conscious and not) shift(?) my personality based on who I'm talking to, usually by exaggerating specific traits; I try very hard to stay consistent across people I talk to but it feels like I can't help splitting up my identity into more digestible pieces, usually based on what I think the other person is expecting from me (my ulterior motive is that I want to be liked so badly)

I don't think that's shifting. The way you describe it sounds more like a courtier badger highlighting different parts of yourself. But it's not a happy process for you, not something that feels right. I'm comfortable saying you're not snake sec, and you said yourself you don't think you're lion either. Maybe it helps if you think about it as actor bird's masks? Masks you can put down if you want to.

- I have a habit of making sideblogs for specific aesthetic, purposes, and have a hard time not separating "inconsistent sides" of me like that. could be considered a bird collecting (though I think tags are more for that) or actor bird thing?

Yes, collections are a classic bird thing, and I think that's what's happening here. I don't think it's wrong to have separate sides like that, though. Why do you think it's a problem? Where does this fear come from? And if you want to integrate them more, how would you go about it?

- when faced with a problem, I start trying to strategize a solution, or at least a temporary band-aid. I'll think of the resources I have and what options are available. my biggest example is when we got into an accident and no longer had a vehicle; are there areas we can walk to nearby? what people do I know who are able to give me a ride somewhere? is there a taxi available, or uber? back when we had little money, I'd keep track of who I was able to ask for money for help with groceries. etc etc etc.

I'd say that's bird. I would do the same.

- I avoid asking the same person for help repeatedly during a short period of time because people will grow tired and resentful towards you

That's just good people management 😉.

- However, I've relied on others basically my entire life; I don't feel like I've ever accomplished anything important without the assistance of others. I was only able to move out of my family's house because I'd look for friends who'd be able to take me in- another example of a time I solved a problem: when we needed to get passports within a specific period of time, I had to devise an incredibly shaky plan: our ride was going to take us somewhere, so I asked if he'd take us to a passport application appointment instead (he is hard to ask to do things as it is). we had to go to the library, and I also didn't know if they'd accept cash, and we didn't have enough money on our debit card. we also didn't know if we'd even get our passports in time. I hated how unsure everything was, but everything worked out and I was incredibly relieved and proud of myself

I get Know-a-guy bird vibes from this. It could be badger, but something about the planning and the stressing out just says bird to me.

- previously mentioned ride can be hard to convince to do things and my first inclination is to bribe him using gas money or fast food

- my wrists have been having issues for months, causing my roommate to have to do all my chores, and my go-to when asking her for things is also bribery via fast food...

Know your ressources, and how to manage them, right? 😉. Also, hope your wrists get better.

- negotiation is a Big tool I use incredibly often, but try not to unless I feel like it's the best choice to make. is sacrifice or making deals a tool?

I think they are tools, or as I would call them, strategies.

- I've never worked hard at anything important, like pursuing a career (I've never had any ambitions for the future and wish I didn't have to work at all), but when I get into hobbies like speedrunning, I poured hundreds of hours into repetitive practice (this is partially what injured my wrists...)

That's really alien to me. It sounds like badger hard work, but it could be bird planning, too? I really don't know.

- speaking of my wrists, it's been incredibly stressful not being able to do things and only being able to rely on my roommate and others; I much prefer being able to do things myself, as I can trust them to get done and I don't have to constantly ask for help and be a burden. I've come up with some tools to help me cope though; I can use my elbows to do things like turn faucets and door handles, as well as navigate my computer via touchpad, and I can use a combination of Google assistant, voice to text, and my nose to navigate my phone, which at least stresses me out less

You're describing them as tools, which is a bird thing to do, but I would handle it just the same, and I think everyone would? If you have to, you get creative, whether you like it or not.

- another example of a time I solved a problem: I used to not know how to use art programs, but I DID know how to use HTML and I had fun doing it, so I'd use that to make transparent borders for my streaming setup.

It's an I-move thing, I think. So more bird (or snake).

- I also want to get into fostering kittens in the future, and I know it will be a lot of work and responsibility and heartache, but I really want to. I even bought a feral cat trap, and wrote an article for my mother's online newspaper for some money about the TNR program. unfortunately at the moment I don't have the money or energy to pursue this, but I'm excited to in the future

And I bet you've already researched all about it, right? 😉

- speaking of hobbies, I enjoy some grindy things like shiny hunting in Pokemon, since you get to show off how much effort you put into it. however, while I aspire to be able to do hard stuff like SRing for a shiny starter or hunting full odds without a method that makes it easier, I often give up

Trying to be badger but are not? ADHD getting in the way?

- another example of when I solved a problem: we asked a family friend to watch our cats while we went on vacation (another problem I solved), and when we got back we learned that our nervous cat had been hiding the entire time and we couldn't get her to come out, and after we decided to give up temporarily, on the drive home I remembered that I have the aforementioned feral cat trap, so we gave it to the family friend and two mornings later she was caught and brought home!

Resourceful. And more I-move stuff, I think?

- I have a discord server just for myself where I store various things, such as important things (college programs, recipes, etc) as well as mostly hobby related things like speedrunning references and animal crossing inspiration/ideas. I also have a reminder bot in here I use to remember things

That's so birdy, my friend <3

- I feel like I'm bad at coming up with original ideas, but I'm very good at modifying or improving things to make them even better, such as editing an image or tumblr theme. I also tend to learn things by messing around with something someone's made and using their work as a reference

I also can't make something from nothing and need something to react to and work with. But references are really not my jam, I just do the thing and see how it comes out. Difference between a bird and a snakebird, I think.

- I like to keep track of/remember little details about people and use that to surprise them with things they like, like posts or gifts if I'm able to

I could never manage it. It just slips right out of my brain if it's not about my people. I'd say this is badger, but I don't have much experience with know-a-guy birds, so it might also be that

- My boyfriend is definitely a badger secondary, and I feel like he is a lot better than me at working hard at things. I always think that people who are able to work hard at things and accomplish things are very enviable, and I wish I was more like them

I think you're more bird than badger, nonny, but you definitely like the badger way.

my current theory is that I'm either a burned badger with a bird model (as a coping mechanism?) OR a bird with a badger model that I use as a tool

I think you're a know-a-guy bird with either a badger model or performance, who really likes badgers.

- 🍵🐍

[spring-lxcked]

GET TO KNOW THE MUN.

NAME.  nicole or aspen

PRONOUNS.  she / they (i sometimes have a slight preference for one over the other day-to-day, but overall either is fine)

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION.  if you need me to respond quickly, IMs are probably the way to go. if you want to have a long-term convo/don't care about quickness, discord (nicolenostalgia) is best!

MOST ACTIVE MUSE.  currently it's obviously this rabbit bastard, but my other consistently most active muse has been kokichi (@takinghisbow). outside of him, i tend to go through periods of strong hyperfixation on specific muses. single muse blogs for me are pretty exclusively for muses i don't intend on taking long breaks from ever (outside of necessity)

EXPERIENCE / HOW MANY YEARS.  i've been rping since i was around 9 (and far too young to be freely online, but whatever). i've been on tumblr since i was ~14, but didn't start rping here until like. . . 3-4 years ago? prior to tumblr i rp'd on forums, via email with individual friends, and on furcadia (my longest experience and very defining for me ngl. i know it's, like, cringe or whatever, but <3).

BEST EXPERIENCE.  i mean, generally just the genuine friends i've made and continue to make on here. but also, to be slightly more specific, few things stand out in my memory as favorite rp moments more than the funny, crack-y, shit-posting times where me and some of my mutuals are just losing our minds. i love running jokes on my blogs, i love being @'d, i just love love love that non-serious sort of interaction sm.

RP PET PEEVE.  if you start public shit/write callouts about someone because they were slightly rude to you or you just don't like them? [cocks gun] (legally i'm joking, but i'm so glad i haven't seen this kinda shit in awhile. save it for dangerous people, please). other than that, i've had Experiences where my frequently-thirsted-after-by-fandom male muse just gets an Onslaught of ppl who will absolutely try to force ship with their OC. it hasn't happened here, but admittedly i'm like. sitting on the edge of my seat LMAO. (like, it's kinda funny but it's hella disrespectful).

PLOTS OR MEMES.  memes tend to be a better starting point for me unless you already have a specific idea in mind OR we're working off of one of our wishlist posts. i have this Thing where the moment someone asks me to plot every single idea i've ever had leaves my head fdkshfsd. the only exception to this is if it's not immediately obvious how our muses would meet. at which point, either plotting OR just specifying something in a meme you send would be great.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES.  cursed to love long replies, forced to have executive dysfunction lmao. i mean, i love interactions of any length, but i do looooove getting really into my muse's mindset and exploring it. because of mental health, tho, longer thread usually = longer wait for my reply. not always, it depends on my muse. once we're getting 5+ paras, it might be a bit of a wait (even tho i still love it).

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES.  knee-jerk reaction was to say no abt william lmao. in all seriousness, i'd say. . . we have a similar sense of humor, regrettably. and more than that, i feel like my draw to writing muses in general who "wear a mask" and hide their real personalities has been a bit of an. . . unintentional exploration relating to my own masking. i've a only realized in recent years that i likely have ADHD (and maybe autism?), and the realization that the Me In Public is literally Not Me was. crazy. i think that, even though william is a complete bastard, there's something to writing a muse who is always performing. i mean, before i even understood what masking was i remember telling my mom that being around almost anyone irl felt like putting on a show to pretend to be "normal." so anyway me, kokichi, and william are holding hands (eurgh).

TAGGED BY. @gateway31 ( <3 <3 <3 ) TAGGING. whoever would like to do it!!

[cinnakincat]

saaaame It seems like this happens all the fucking time, and I hate it with a seething fury. And it's even worse when it's not only "Hey, we're doing something that involves going outside the house and fucking up your schedule," it's often "Hey, we're doing something that fucks up your schedule, and we're only telling you about it AN HOUR BEFORE WE'RE LEAVING!" That's not enough time for my ADHD ass to do anything! because god fucking knows that getting ready will inevitably take up all of that hour with executive dysfunction and procrastination, and also actually getting ready in itself!

It's not that I don't want to visit, it just wasn't on the list I made in my head

[donniesexceptionalmind]

HI! HAVE ART!

I have no idea how accurate the outfit is (and I suck major ASS at drawing hats) but I tried and I hope u enjoy :333 (I also made the lil clip thing for the cape the logo thing (???) yall have bc its cool >:D) (AND ALSO PLS PLS PLS TAKE THIS AN EXCUSE TO RANT ABOUT EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION OR SMTH BC I HEARD U HAPPEN TO RANT A LOT ABOUT AUTISM AND I AM V INTERESTED IN THAT STUFF!!!)

Me when J saw the art:

I actually infodumped about executive dysfunction before!

But I will share some additional information about it because you drew this amazing piece of art & I am very joyous. ✨️

Here is my personal experience:

Executive dysfunction can be really challenging & for me, it is a huge part of all the things that make autism a disability.

The everyday experience as an autistic person is already loaded with stress, anxiety & discomfort - and on top of that we are getting blessed with not being able to do things even though we need to. There is a barrier in our brain that says "No" & you can't do anything about it. You are perhaps paralyzed, doomscrolling social media or just staring at the wall for hours.

The outside perspective of this is always "You are lazy, you are not trying hard enough, just do it", but it is not as easy as that. If it were that easy, we wouldn't be struggling. Because, you know, we DO KNOW we need to get these things done & sometimes we WANT TO get them done!

In short, executive functioning skills are cognitive skills that help us to regulate & control our thoughts & actions. Planning your actions is actually a higher executive functioning skill just like problem-solving.

Struggling with executive functioning can look like:

Not being able to begin a task that involves multiple steps, e.g., cooking a meal - it's just too much to process, too much to do!

Hyperfocus: getting too absorbed in a task so you forget everything around you, including bodily signals like hunger, thirst, tiredness (although hyperfocus can also be a blessing to get things done and/or experience a large amount of joy, especially when it comes to our special interests)

Struggling to reply to messages in time (e.g. my inability to answer inbox messages even though I genuinely want to)

Struggling with decision making, e.g, which task do I do first, what should I wear? Even crucial things like 'Should I get up?'

What helps me:

ROUTINES. Honestly. As an autistic person I have a lot of terrible days, but there are also days that are not too bad. And the perfectionist that I am, on days that are not too bad I try to do as much as possible- which can lead to having a terrible day straight after. BUT I have established a very well basic system of routines & tasks that IF I stick to them, I will be fine (mostly). (If I were sticking to it. It's a struggle. AHEM.)

And it is OKAY to have rituals & routines.

We seek to replicate success when we experience it because it makes us feel safe, grounded & happy!

And also bring order to the chaos that is the world around us - it is REALLY upsetting to live here, isn't it?

For Leon it's incredibly hard to establish routine because of his ADHD & this is a whole new topic to cover.

And yes, it is fairly common that people of all neurotypes have routines.

The difference though:

My day will get significantly worse if I can't do what I have planned or if I miss a segment of an established ritual.

For example, if I can't have my lunch in the time frame I always have it, it will cause physical & mental pain - sometimes to the point of a meltdown if things add up.

As I mentioned before I am sometimes NOT coherent with sticking to these routines & that is because of internal ableism & my own ignorance.

I struggle to accept that I have a disability & that I am not functioning like neurotypicals. Their standard shall be mine, but I can't live up to that standard. This is a problem I still have to overcome.

I sometimes expect too much of myself & burn myself out, blame myself for not achieving goals etcetera. This is not healthy.

There should be a base level of respect for an autistic person's need for routine & compassion when it does get ripped to shreds.

The world is unpredictable. Unexpected changes will happen if we want it or not.

I hope I was able to provide additional input! /g

[cptsdjourney143]

What happened to you?

TW: trauma, self-harm, abuse

The sound of rustling notebook paper. The off-white tinge and contrasting lines. The thinness of the sheet between my pinched pointer finger and thumb. The scratching of the pencil point. These are just some of the things I miss about writing.

I have defined myself as a writer for as long as I can remember. It is one of my go-to words when I am asked to describe myself. And no matter how long I goo without writing a word it will always be true. I am a writer. But I think my past trauma and relying on pen and paper to process has impacted my relationship with writing. I have spent so much time pushing down everything I went through… pretending everything was okay over and over again. Now bringing it back up feels impossible.

I have recently returned to therapy and have started seeing a psychiatrist again. I am so tired of anxiety and depression. I am so tired of hating myself. I am tired of the shame and guilt and hyper vigilance. I am tired of being broken. I am constantly haunted by the question: What is wrong with me?

I have been trying to answer that question for 19 years, more or less. I have spent more than half of my life trying to figure out why I am the way I am.

On the outside I look fine. Successful, even. My mom and dad were high school sweethearts. I have supportive family members and friends. I have a wonderful husband and we have built an adorable little family of dogs and cats and horses. I got good grades in high school and continued my academic excellence through college and graduate school. I passed my speech pathology licensing exams with flying colors. I got work right out of school and have established a good career.

Write me down on paper and I seem like perfection. So that is what I have always tried to emulate. If I looked perfect on the outside no one would know how broken I was on them inside. I thrust myself into activities and hobbies just so that I could excel at them for as long as I can remember. In middle school it was Girl Scouts and Horseback Riding. In High School it was music, theater, art, track, and writing. I consistently made honor roll. I made National Honors society. But you don’t need my resume. I did everything I could to be the best at everything I did.

I have worked so hard on being perfect that I shoved down the negative. I have shoved it so far down that I don’t remember a lot of it. The harsh reality is that even through I tried to bury the negative, my body remembers. My body remembers fear and pain. My body keeps holding on to what my brain is trying to forget.

Being perfect on the outside is not helping the pain on the inside anymore. So I went back to therapy and back to hunting for answers to the question: What is wrong with me? I thought the neuropsychological evaluation I took in graduate school would give me some answers. Their testing confirmed my anxiety and depression diagnosis. It confirmed I have fantastic language skills, but my working memory and executive function are “below average.” It talks about my distress and dissatisfaction with my life, lack of coping skills, avoiding new one challenging situations, and so much more. It says in clear black ink that I restrict my emotions and have difficulty with relationships.

“It appears Caitlyn finds many of her relationships to be confusing or complicated. Results indicate that Caitlyn has conflicting feelings about her family, finding them to be supportive and loving… yet also invalidating and unhelpful when she needs them.”

That girl is not perfect. But she is also me. That neuropsychological was from 2015. That was 8 years ago, and I am still looking for answers. I have been looking for answers longer than that.

I have talked to my therapist and psychologist yet about the possibility of ADHD. A lot of my symptoms seem to align: Attention and memory issues, executive dysfunction, motivation paralysis… This constant need to be doing something productive but unable to do anything so spiraling in my mind instead. My mental health team agrees that ADHD is a possibility, but I have not started on any ADHD medication at this time.

In therapy we started to approach my grief. I have experienced a lot of loss in some very traumatic ways. My first memory of loss is my Bubby. I was so young when she died and I felt the loss greatly. I remember watching her get sick and then fade away. My next memories involve my grandma having a stroke and moving in with us. The grandma that used to make us eggs-in-a-basket and always smiled was gone. She was a ghost of her former self. My uncle moved in to help with her care. We watched her fade away as well… and then she was gone and my Uncle moved away. I don’t know why he left, just that him and my dad had some sort of argument and that was the end of it.

For a while there weren’t any more loses. Then when I was in my 20s they all seemed to come at once. My cousin overdosed and passed away, leaving behind two children. Not too long after that my dad passed away. Losing my father has been one of the hardest things I have ever faced, but my mom was an absolute wreck. I had to put on my brave face for her. I was perfect, after all. My grandfather passed a few years after. My mom had just started to be herself again and then she lost her father. Her brother died by suicide not long after… she was the one who found his body. Just a few days ago my Uncle passed away. I am dealing with his loss now. Which is part of why I am writing now.

So yes, I have experienced my fair share of grief and loss. I thought I had been dealing with my grief, but after all these feelings with my uncle passing, I am not so sure.

My therapist asked if I felt like I have come to terms with my grief and I said I had. So she mentioned that there had to be a reason I felt so much hate for myself. She asked if anyone ever made me feel like I wasn’t enough. But I had parents that loved me. I was a good student. I was supposed to be perfect. But I still had anxiety and depression. I was still broken. She said she was glad to be on my journey with me and asked me what I was looking for from therapy.

Once again I had been so good at looking perfect on the outside that the brokenness inside was shoved so far down that I was able to hide it from myself and my therapist. But she could see there was work to be done.

So I started looking harder… thinking about why I went back to therapy and what I wanted from it. I started looking back at old notebooks and journals and videos. I found entries as far back as 2004 talking about my anxiety and depression.

Anxiety and depression did not seem like enough of an answer to what was wrong with me. ADHD didn’t seem to be the right diagnosis either. Nothing I did seemed to be helping.

I don’t entirely remember how, but some how I came across looking at Complex PTSD online, but that didn’t make sense either. I didn’t survive a natural disaster or torture. I wasn’t in a war. I wasn’t abused. Yeah, I had been through some hard stuff, but nothing compared to that.

But the symptoms… the symptoms were like looking at all my deepest shames in bold black ink.

- Difficulty with emotions

- Distrust in the world

- Constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness

- Feeling damaged or worthless

- Feeling different from others

- Difficulty with relationships

- Dissociative symptoms

- Headaches, dizziness, chest pains, and stomach aches

- Regular suicidal feelings

I have experience all of these things. I thought they were all just my anxiety and depression… maybe they are. I really don’t know. But I didn’t have flashbacks to anything that that was a major component of PTSD. Then I read about emotional flashbacks: intense emotions that seems to come from no where. I feel like I live in this state. Constant fight or flight. Constant anxiety. Constant spiraling. Constant emotional flashbacks. But emotional flashbacks to what?

So I kept doing research… in to myself and in to CPTSD. And I continues to see myself in each blog post, video, article, research paper, and book. I started to read the book “What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing.” By Bruce D Perry and Oprah Winfrey. They wanted me to shift my perspective from “What’s Wrong with You?” To “What Happened to You?” Sure, I was used to reframing my thinking. Years of therapy have taught me that it is often necessary.

So what happened to me? When I was only 12 years old I began to self-harm. Looking at pictures of myself at that age now as a 31 year old… I look so young. I look like a baby. I don’t remember why I started cutting myself. There was no event I can remember that caused it… I just got so tired of feeling sad and anxious that I wanted to feel anything else. So I decided to feel pain instead. But this didn’t feel traumatic enough to warrant complex PTSD. Considering it took me 7 pages of lead up to get here… I guess I am carrying some trauma.

My earliest writing mimicked my current thoughts over and over. Not good enough. Not worthy of love. Feeling alone and like no one could ever understand. I self-harmed all through middle school, high school, and college. I had stopped cutting myself by graduate school and have not self-harmed in that capacity since then. I thought that since I had stilled doing it, I was over it.

I lived in constant cycles of anxiety and found relief in cutting and then felt deep guilt and shame and fell in to deep depressions for most of my formative years. Growing up like this changes a persons brain. So far reading about CPTSD has made me really grateful I took neuroscience in grad school. There is a lot of talk about the brain.

What happened to me? I cut myself for many of my childhood years, teenage years, and my young adolescence. Why? I don’t know. I don’t remember. I have spent so long trying to forget. But my body didn’t forget. My body holds all that fear and anxiety and shame and deep seated guilt.

Here is what I do know. My oldest journals and notebooks do not say anything about why I started cutting myself and I may never remember. That has to be okay. There might note be a clear answer. The defining moment part of me longs for. The thing that I can point at say say “That! That is why I am the way that I am.”

I know that somewhere along the line my emotional needs were not met. Which is the definition of emotional neglect. But the very idea of that makes me fiercely defensive. My mom and dad loved me and I had a good childhood. I know my parents had many flaws. They both had anxiety and depression. My dad was an alcoholic. But I have so many memories of them full of love.

I still hid my self-harm from my parents. I don’t know why I felt I could not go to them, except for my need to be perfect on the outside. I don’t know what I feel the need to be perfect. I have no memories of being told I needed to be. I have always put that burden on myself.

I threw away a lot of the journals I kept from ages 12 to 17. Those were my worst years and I was absolutely ashamed of them. I was past that phase and didn’t need them anymore. Ii don’t remember exactly when I threw them away, but I remember that it happened. I wish that I didn’t now. I feel like they may have had some answers.

My diagnosis is probably not the take away here. My therapist says I give my mental illness too much power. It’s hard not to when it has been there since I was 12 years old. I have grown comfortable with new labels. Anxiety, depression, panic disorder, ADHD, CPTSD… whatever it is, I’m working on it.

But I still feel like my “trauma” wasn’t “traumatic” enough. I think that is my need to be perfect, though.

My therapist said she thought I should continue therapy. She said she was happy to continue with me on my journey. I am not sure what I want from this journey, but I figured this would be a good place to start.

[big-boah]

Autistic Thing of the day:

Autistic Catatonia 😵

I made a TikTok on this too with the same info (link here!)

I wanted to talk about autistic catatonia, which isn’t something I’d heard about until I researched it on my own. When I brought it up to my doctor, she said it made perfect sense.

Autistic catatonia affects, at minimum, about ten percent of autistic people. And the best way I can describe it is “getting stuck.”

I’ve dealt with this my entire life, I plan to do something, or respond to someone, and my mind goes blank and I just can’t move. If I fight it, my anxiety goes through the roof. I can’t talk or respond, only maybe stim a little or communicate using eye contact or eye gaze. For me, it can last anywhere from a few seconds to several hours.

Unfortunately, my bodily functions still continue when I’m stuck, so I have to be guided to the bathroom, need help in the shower, and kept out of harm’s way. My partner and I both have ADHD and have a similar thing happen but can still kind of move even if it's difficult, but that’s more executive dysfunction.

This is also a little different than derealization and depersonalization in that most people still feel entirely like themselves when these episodes happen, your inside mentality is the same. I can carry on commentary in my head during these episodes and I feel like I'm myself, just stuck.

Being catatonic is almost like every cell in my body is frozen in time. I know what’s going on around me, but my brain just can’t make that connection and that spark of purposeful movement doesn’t make it outside of my own mind. I wish there was a better way to explain it.

A lot of autistic people experience this differently. Some people have this and believe it's a shutdown (which is a little different because in shutdowns usually you can communicate.)

People with mild catatonia may feel like they've "gone nonverbal" and also feel physically stuck, although others can assist you to move if needed.

A lot of people have this experience when they're frightened of experiencing high levels of overstimulation. I've always said it's like my brain pressed pause on my life, because I wouldn't.

If you know someone who goes through something like this, make sure they stay safe, hydrated, and make sure to check in on them even if they don't respond. I like when my partner acts like nothing’s up, he will just hang out with me there. Some people like touch when they get stuck while others don’t. This can happen no matter what your support need level is in general. This actually happens often enough where it increases my support need level, I need to be supervised anyway. 😅

Once I realized this was a feature of my autism, I was able to come up with a plan with my loved ones because it happens about 2-3 times a week. Ever since I started taking ADHD meds it happens less, and research has found that benzo medications can actually prevent this from happening and help the episodes. Research needs to catch up to the rest of us on this one!

But if you experience this or periods of hyperactivity where you also feel like you can't interact with others on your own command, it may be autistic catatonia.

Hopefully this helps someone! 🤟🏻

[neurodiversitysci]

Why do other ADHDers like Russell Barkley?

I keep coming across posts on Tumblr and Reddit complimenting him. The most recent comment I read said something like, “he’s the only one I’ve come across who actually gets it!” 

...Why?

I’ve read a few of his articles, and he talks about ADHD the way “experts” in the 90′s and 2000′s talked about autism. He explicitly likens ADHD to brain damage. (Yes, executive dysfunction can be caused by both brain damage and ADHD, and yes, a long time ago, ADHD was literally called “minimal brain dysfunction,” but we’re long past that now). He could not have more of an “outsider” perspective on ADHD. 

Frankly, Russell Barkley sounds like a jerk.  

What his fans say about him, and the quotes they share, only reinforce this impression.

I get it, he has historical importance, as one of the early ADHD researchers and the one to champion the diagnosis of ADHD and bring it to popular attention. (And--if anyone remembers what initial popular stereotypes of ADHD were--he probably therefore has a lot to answer for). Similar things could be said of Simon Baron Cohen regarding autism, though. 

I am willing to honor Russell Barkley’s historical significance, but can’t we move on to a new, less insulting generation of ADHD researcher-experts?

He knows what executive function is, and what happens when it goes wrong. He knows the statistics where people with ADHD are more likely to get into car accidents, are more prone to alcohol and drug abuse, and pretty much every other negative life outcome. This is important information, and it’s clearly been eye opening for a lot of people, but he’s not the only person sharing these facts.

(Also, does it occur to him to compare negative outcomes for people with ADHD to the negative outcomes for people with other disabilities? Does he consider the possibility that we get in trouble, not only because of our impulsivity and executive dysfunction, but also because we live in a world that treats us as broken and shuts us out of school, work, and health care we need to function better? I really, really doubt it.)

So, I do a massive double take every time I read another ADHD’er praising Russell Barkley. What are they seeing in him that I’m not?

11/8/22

[purplespaceace]

very few characters actually have adhd in media, and when they do, what people mean by that is just that they fidget a lot, not that they have adhd. the only character with adhd I can think of where I’ve watched/read it and I’ve gone, “oh, this character actually has adhd” is Jake peralta from Brooklyn 99. so, here’s my take on how to write adhd, with examples from Brooklyn 99.

I’ll do the best I can to separate them into three categories; the three things people look for in adults with ADHD, which are rejection sensitivity dysphoria, an interest-based nervous system, and emotional hyperarousal.

I’ll also randomly bold and italicize bits so people with ADHD can actually read it.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria makes people with ADHD overly sensitive to criticism, even if they perceive a rejection and there actually isn’t one. Their emotions are also very strong generally. Because of RSD, people with ADHD become people-pleasers and can develop anxiety because they’re so eager to please.

For me, RSD makes me cry an embarrassing amount for any little reason. in your writing, make your characters overdramatic, criers, and/or people-pleasers. They’ll have trouble saying no. They may also be over competitive, as their perceived rejection may include losing.

how does Jake show this in b99? When Jake comes up with a catchphrase and Rosa says it’s terrible, jake is far more hurt than he should be. He hates losing, and he gets overly upset whenever someone says they don’t like him or don’t trust him, etc. he’s also a people pleaser who has trouble saying no.

An interest-based nervous system

An interest-based nervous system includes hyperfocuses and an inability to pay attention. It stems from the fact that we can’t make as much dopamine as neurotypicals. This means that while neurotypicals get dopamine after completing a task, people with ADHD don’t. That means that people with ADHD don’t have any reason to do tasks, especially those they don’t like. This leads to executive dysfunction—people with ADHD will know they have to or want to do something, but they can’t seem to do it. people with ADHD hyperfocus on things that bring them dopamine. I was obsessed with warrior cats for three years. But hyperfocuses can also last a short amount of time—I’ll have a drawing idea in the middle of class and won’t be able to concentrate on anything else before I finish it. this is where our impulsiveness comes from. we can leap into things we think will give us dopamine without thinking, which can lead to injury. We also tend to tell people personal things they don’t want to hear because of this, and don’t have very good boundaries. We sometimes say whatever comes into our head, which can also result in us being rude on accident. Our voices can also get very loud or we can interrupt people frequently because we’re so impulsive. When people with ADHD hyperfocus, they can forget about anything else. I’ll forget to eat if I’m busy reading a Wikipedia article about feminism in the 1850s, and won’t go to the bathroom or drink water either. It’s also important to note that taking away distractions doesn’t help, because we can do things like pick at our skin and daydream—something that people with ADHD do a lot of. Because of executive dysfunction, people can call people with ADHD lazy or irresponsible.

people with ADHD can also be extremely indecisive because ADHD affects our executive functioning, and making decisions requires planning and prioritizing, and task initiation, which are both executive functions!

people with ADHD also have poor memory for important things, but tend to remember random bits of trivia. Poor memory leads to object permanence problems, which means people with ADHD can forget to call a friend back for weeks, forget that they need to read library books in a closed cabinet, or forget that the vegetables they got will go bad. People can sometimes say that people with ADHD don’t care about anything because of this.

people with ADHD can also be prone to depression because of under or overstimulation. Boredom feels painful for people with ADHD. If we’re overstimulated, we can experience sensory overload—if things are too bright or too loud, if too many things are touching us at once—often it’s not because the thing is too intense, but because too many things are happening at once.

We also have something some people call dolphin brain, where we jump from one thing to another. From the outside, it looks really random, but I find that when I’m talking to another neurodivergent communication is generally easier. For instance, someone with ADHD might see a bee at a baseball field and tell their team about the time they saw whales at seaworld because their little brother was also stung by a wasp there. people will see no connection on the outside, but it makes perfect sense to the person with ADHD.

people with ADHD can also be overachievers, either because they hyperfocus on schoolwork or their RSD makes it so that failing at something isn’t an option. people with ADHD can also be very controlling and stubborn, probably because we hyperfocus on something and cant handle it being any different, and any change to our plans can be seen as rejection.

we can also have a hard time ordering our thoughts or doing stuff like math in our head. a lot of the time I number my thoughts like, 1. this reason, 2. this reason, etc. even if theres only two or sometimes I just need the 1. as a transition for my brain. when I don’t write it down or organize it like that it feels like I’m trying to grasp ropes that have been covered in oil (it’s not going to happen) and then my brain gets all jumbled and I have to restart at the beginning. this is probably just me, but it feels the same way when I’m reading long paragraphs of something uninteresting, or even short bits of historical documents because the way they phrase things is really pompous and hard to process.

also, stuff like caffeine calms us down and helps us focus. people who don’t take medication (me) often drink coffee or caffeinated sodas to focus.

another random tip, but if your character with ADHD also is genderfluid or genderflux, they might have a hard time figuring out their gender sometimes, because we can be known to have a hard time putting our feelings into words or our brains will just go, “nope, not thinking about that right now” and move on, which can be pretty frustrating.

people with adhd also have a trait called time blindness, where we have no idea how long something takes and therefore can’t manage our time very well. this often results in us being late or just sitting around the house because we got ready way too early.

we also have something called consequence blindness—we do things and are completely unaware of the consequences. if I don’t brush my teeth, I get cavities. but I don’t think about that when I’m deciding I’m too tired to brush my teeth.

in b99, jake regularly stays up all night solving cases and watches documentaries on random topics. He’s also very distractible—when they’re trying to find the person who sent Captain Holt death threats in the train yard, Jake says he and captain holt should take a train trip together sometime. Jake says that he’ll forget Amy if they don't work together because he’s like a goldfish.

Emotional hyperarousal

This is the only thing people tend to include when writing characters: the fidgeting. People with ADHD tend to need more stimulation than others, so we’ll do things like draw during class and chew on pens.

people with ADHD can also have apd, or auditory processing disorder. we tend to watch shows with subtitles on and may take a second to process what you’re saying, or hear it wrong. The subtitles thing may be partially do to creating just the right amount of stimulation, but if I don’t have subtitles, me and my other friends with ADHD will watch tv with the volume turned up very high. People with ADHD also can have a hard time interpreting other people‘s tone and have a hard time controlling their own. They can be bad at social cues and have poor manners because we don’t pick up on that stuff.

people with ADHD also tend to observe everything or nothing at any given time, mostly based on the amount of stimulation they have—if they dont have a lot in their main task, they’ll need to take in something else at the same time. Likewise, if I’m hyperfocusing on something I often don’t notice anything else, like if someone asks me a question.

in b99, Jake fidgets with things a lot. In the intro, he’s picking up and examining a figurine on his desk, likely because he was bored with paperwork or some other task.