#African grey Care and Maintenance

[tiktokparrot]

African Grey Dandruff: Everything You Need to Know About Feather Dust, Dander, and Caring for Your Parrot’s Fluff

Discover how to manage African Grey Parrot dander! Learn tips to control feather dust, improve air quality, and keep your home clean while caring for your parrot.

[shiftertech]

"One day, we'll all dance in the link."

The silent hallways of a steadily transiting haul-ship, lit by dim red lights and clusters of stars outside its view ports, are disturbed with the muted footsteps of a pilot's off-duty sneakers. Her steps are light as she breaks the cyclical night curfew, keeping to the less frequented corridors. Most of the night-crew are just performing navigation, sensors and engineering tasks—a skeleton crew.

From her pocket, she fetches a small handheld device. Provided by a trusted mechanic, it's loaded with a simple program which spoofs a valid night-shift keycard, and then runs an exploit which should clear the auth logs on the access panel before it reports back to home. They said it was a simple hack all things considered, but that stuff was never her forte.

The door to the drop hanger was right ahead. As instructed, she held the device to the flat grey panel affixed to the wall, and to their word, it flashed a quick green and then a blue as the logs were wiped. The door opens with a hiss, and the pilot wastes no time crossing the threshold and striding towards her destination.

A bulky frame, with sleek lines and medium range armament, sits patiently in its transit harness just in front of her, nestled amongst other frames of similar design. Pock-marked burns from a long history of combat sorties remain visible as marks of experience. Emblazoned on the shoulder plating is an insignia featuring the head of an African wild dog from the old world, and the mech's name"Pictus" in bold lettering. She reaches out and trails her fingers down cold alloy skin, whispering gently.

"Hey lovely, I missed you."

Transit time doesn't permit much link time between pilots and their mechs, seen as wasteful up time for a mech confined in a tightly spaced drop harness for extended periods of time. The routine maintenance already makes sure that the mechs will be ready when it comes time for them to drop into hell. Perhaps it makes sense in a budgetary and combat readiness context on some detatched and dull report somewhere in the navy archive, but fuck if it doesn't leave a pilot yearning.

There's movement from behind Pictus, and panic briefly spikes within the pilot before giving way to recognition. A mechanic—her mechanic—glides towards her with a pretty smile dancing on their lips. Pretty enough for her to rush forward into their arms and steal it with a kiss. They hold eachother close, shadowed by Pictus; a mech which they mutually pilot, care for, and love. Pictus flickers her idle light nestled into the torso hatch, and the pair smiles, understanding intention in the gesture.

"Oh, she definitely missed you," the mechanic replies on the mech's behalf, motioning with their eyes to Pictus, "was being a real brat with fault codes earlier this cycle."

A light giggle gets muffled into the mechanics shoulder, the pilot swaying with her partner. It wasn't often they got to spend time either between pilot simulations & briefings, tight maintenance windows, and other operational busy work. Their relationship gets caught in the middle of it, and she'd be lying if she said it didn't cause hardships between them. All of that goes away with the way they drop a kiss into the short curls atop her head. Even when they eventually pull away from the embrace, she still feels like everything is just right. There's just one missing piece...

"Alright, I'm sure she can't stand waiting much longer with you here. Let's get you linked up before she decides to break loose from the harness! You know she hates being in standby for too long," they say amusedly, turning towards Pictus. Twisting and pulling hard on an embedded handle on the torso, they reveal the cockpit behind the heavy hatch. A well worn seat, system control panels, and a neural link harness sit dormant inside. The mechanic helps their pilot climb inside, the pilot sporting just a t-shirt and sweats as she sits down on the seat of their machine of war.

"Let's wake you up a little," the pilot says, eyeing the controls around her. She first confirms that ground power is connected and active, poking the rotary switch with a finger in affirmation and noting a green light. Then came the internal running lights, and bringing the pilot assist intelligence out of standby mode. Finally, a single switch remained: the toggle for the neural link. She patiently waits while her mechanic climbs in with her.

The mechanic straddles their pilot in her seat, while their calloused hands reach behind and above the seat, snatching the end of the link harness. They bring it to an embedded metal port in the back of her neck, caressing it sweetly with a hand, while they lean their forehead against hers. Their eyebrows furrow.

"If only I could join you both..."

And the pilot surges forward to kiss them, affirming and lovingly. She reaches a hand behind their neck as well, tracing a circle with her thumb, roughly the size of a neural interface port, over unmarred skin. The pilot whispers into their lips, spoken like a promise.

"One day, my love. We'll have you augmented too, and we'll dance in the link together with Pictus."

They open their eyes, seeing their pilot gazing deeply at them. They believe her. A smile tugs at the corners of their mouth and they remove the hand from her neck. With a notchy click, they firmly fit the harness cable into her nerual port. She briefly winces in discomfort, the feeling of metal bumping against metal within her never feels amazing, but it's followed by a satisfied smile as she knows the only thing left holding her back from Pictus is a single switch.

Her hand reaches over instinctually, but is stopped short when her mechanic grabs it. She looks at them, their soft gaze melting her heart then and there. They guide her hand over to the switch, her index finger just behind the small metal lever. With one final kiss of her mechanic lover, she flicks it, and the link opens like a flood gate.

lovelovelovelovelovelovelove

LoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLove

LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE

Data flows, and the link echoes a feedback loop of feelings and emotions, as a machine of war welcomes her loved pilot home, and she feels just as strongly. It's an exclamation, a declaration, a bio-technical embrace, and it is everything.

The mechanic watches their pilot slump in her seat, a goofy smile growing by the moment as she runs abandon within the link. They curl up into her lap, resting as close as they possibly can to their two loves. They drift off and dream beautiful dreams of dancing in the link with all of them.

[yourlocalmeta1head]

Types of pets AOT characters would have

Characters: Erwin, Hange, Miche, Levi, Moblit, Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Connie, Sasha, Jean, Reiner, Bertholt, Yumir, Historia (Christa), Petra, Oluo, Gunther, Eld, Nifa, Abel, Keiji, Tomas, Nannaba, Gelger, Henning, Lynne

Erwin: He'd have a male Chinook dog named Soldier. They're hardworking, which he appreciates, but they're also loyal and family devoted, so that means that they're good with kids. He takes the best care of his dog ever.

Hange: Definitely has a male Leachie Gecko. And a big one. Takes the best care of it and has somehow lived for like 20 years and is still thriving. They named it Bennidect Bartholemu Cambel.

Levi: Hange won him a goldfish at the fair, and they named her Goldie. She's lived for 5 years and is in amazing health. Levi's actually grown to love Goldie a lot, which Hange kind of expected, but Miche and Erwin totally thought he'd give it back to Hange after like a week.

Miche: Has a huge male gray Bouvier des Flandres with longish hair and "bangs" that cover his eyes a bit. He probably named him Sherlock because he has "big locks of hair". Had to have his tail docked months before Miche adopted him, his tail got stepped on and crushed by a cow.

Moblit: Doesn't have a pet cause "Dealing with Hange takes the same amount of work" but he also helps with Hanges lizard because it's high maintenance.

Eren: He has a female African Grey Parrot that he named "Freiheit" which is German for "freedom." He talks to his parrot like it's a therapist. He also gets upset when someone says his Parrot's a girl, and he'll argue back with something like "no, actually he's a guy" even though the parrots a girl.

Armin: He has a male Eastern Box Turtle. He named him Squirt because when he adopted him, the first thing Squirt did was spit water at his face, so Armin thought it'd be appropriate to name him Squirt.

Mikasa: Female Maine Coon named Kiku. Her mother told her that the Kiku flower was her favorite flower and that it's believed the flower can prolong peoples lives.

Connie: Male Hyacinth Macaw he named Destroyer since he thought he (THE BIRD) would be able to destroy anything in its path (A BIRD). He trained his bird to attack anyone he points at while screeching "CA CAW!"

Sasha: Male squirrel she named Squirrelly. She didn't buy him from anywhere. She was literally sitting at the park and a squirrel came up to her and sat with her then followed her, and so she took him home and named him Squirrelly. That was 4 years ago.

Jean: Male Collie named Zeus. He thought Zeus would be a cool awesome name for a dog. He also trained him to chase Eren on his command.

Reiner: Female Boxer he named Rocky. He also specifically tried to find one with unpinned ears and an undocked tail. He takes her on hikes all the time, and she loves them so much.

Bertholt: Male Ferret named Mozuku. He loved to eat Mozuku as a kid, so he named his Ferret after it. Sometimes really late at night he has a dance party with his Ferret, and he definitely has spent hours to teach his Ferret one trick.

Yumir: Female Tarantula named Fang. She loves to scare Reiner with her. Yumir also takes such good care of Fang you'd almost think she loves her more than Historia. It's to the point where if she's at home, she'll take Fang out of her enclosure and just have her on her shoulder while she does stuff like chores or watch TV.

Historia: Female Beagle named Poppy. She dresses her up, and they watch TV together all the time. Sometimes they have "hype moments" where Historia hypes up Poppy by saying stuff like "LETS GO, WE CAN DO IT!!!" and they do it for like 10 min. Poppy is also those dogs that know every trick in the book. Historia has even taught her how to backflip and do hand stands. Poppy can also do a handstand and walk in a handstand.

Petra: Female Norwegin Forest Cat named Camellia. Petra's the type of person who walks her cat, but she loves it. Gives her cat super good food. Literally the happiest cat you will ever meet. Also the sweetest cat ever. Super playful and soooo soft.

Oluo: Male Irish Wolfhound named Captain. Loud as hell. Literally the most talkative dog you will ever meet. Super sweet dog, just very talkative. Also, if you put a bowl of food out in front of him he'll eat like Oluo has been starving him for months. Genital giant. His dog is a literal giant, is not even funny.

(man standing next to dog for size reference on how tall this damn dog is)

Gunther: Female Albino Ferret named Xiomara. When he was looking at ferrets, the people working there told him how Xiomara was turned down for adoption so many times the owner wanted to claim her as "unadoptable", and he was confused when he heard the reason was because of how she looked. But he thought the contrast of her red eyes to her white fur looked super cool, so he adopted her and named her Xiomara, and she's been his best friend ever since. He takes her everywhere is loves her so much, it's adorable.

Eld: Female Duck Tolling Retriever named Penelope. She has total attachment issues. They're basically attached to each other. Eld is going to the bathroom? So is his dog. She also does so many tricks and is so polite. And she attends doggy daycare, and lets just say she may be the teacher's favorite.

Nifa: Female hamster named Sunny. She's a total troublemaker. The food she's eating? Stole it right off Nifas plate. She eats clothes if you don't pay attention to her, she's escaped her cage, she almost drowned herself because Nifa fed her 2 minutes late. If your finger gets too close to her mouth, she will bite you.

Abel: Male Brussels Griffin named Scrappy. Will eat ANYTHING. You left the toothpaste out? That's Scrappys toothpaste now. You forgot your shoes? NVM those are Scrappys shoes. Also wears dog shoes every time he goes out.

Keiji: Female Pointer named Coco. She is the sweetest dog ever. Super gentle, doesn't bite, doesn't scratch, not aggressive, while all the other dogs are outside play fighting Coco's right next to Keiji. Whether it's her laying on the floor, her laying next to him, or her laying on top of him, most of the time Coco is with Keiji. Sometimes he even puts her outside to play with the other dogs because he's so attached to him.

Tomas: Female Texas Heeler named Luna. She's also a super sweet dog. She's also very, very energetic. If you get up even for one second, she'll get so excited. Luna's one of those dogs that will not stop spinning in circles. And every time you see her, she's panting as if she just ran the longest dog marathon ever. If you ask Tomas what she's like when they get home, it's normally the same story how she just is so exhausted she can't do anything.

Nannaba: Female Ferret named Phoebe. Very very energetic and loves to do tricks. She will climb everything. Walls? Climb. Fence? Climb. Furniture? Clime. YOU? CLIMB. Loves cuddling so much, she gets pissed if you get up while she's asleep. Also eats hair. She even eats Nannabas hair, and she has pretty short hair. One time in the winter Miche was growing out a beard for a dare and Phoebe started eating it while he was staying the night at Nannabas.

Gelger: Male rat named Rocket. Rocket is the craziest laziest rat ever. Sometimes Gelger has to hand feed Rocket his food cause he's too tired to get up, then 5 min later he's running around all over the place and sliding everywhere. He also poops soooo much. Gelger even took him to the vet once because he got nervous that something was wrong with Rocket because of how often and how much he would poop. Turns out he just poops a lot. When they go to other peoples houses Gelger has to put Rocket in a diper because hes worried about him pooping everywhere.

Henning: Male Cane Corso named Butch. When he adopted Butch he wanted a Cane Corso that still had it's tail and who didn't have cropped ears. Butch is so scary when you first meet him, but then he becomes the most lovable dog ever. He gives the sloberist kisses and is always drooling, but that's ok. Super strong. He's knocked over the whole barbecue grill before.

Lynne: Female Rabbit named Daisy. The sweetest bunny you will ever meet omg. She never gets in the way of anything and is even potty trained. She always shows off her tricks and is very proud of it. One time she even did a back flip but got scared when everyone cheered. Very unpridectible. One time it was getting late and everyone realized they haven't seen Daisy for a while so everyone was freaking out and when they checked outside Daise was sitting on top of an Opossum.

[bloodgulchblog]

Everyone argues about whether John would have a cat or dog. But no he wouldn't have either. If John was forced to have a pet he would have a bird. Like an African grey or Amazon. Just think about it, it makes perfect sense. A bird is just an unhinged AI toddler going through rampancy. John would be the perfect bird owner.

Alright, if you really want my take:

I don't think Chief would go with a bird if he had to and it's exactly because birds are so much more intelligent and socially needy than most animals.

I figure that if you leave him to his own devices, he doesn't want the responsibility of having to take care of an animal because he's already got so much on his plate. If someone forced him, I think he'd be going low maintenance.

He'd feel bad about not being able to take adequate care of an animal, I think.

[factsabouteverythingseo]

PARROT OVERVIEW

PARROT FOR SALE

Parrots are a diverse group of birds known for their intelligence, vibrant plumage, and ability to mimic sounds and human speech. They belong to the order Psittaciformes, which includes more than 393 species.

Here are some general characteristics and information about parrots:

1. Size and Appearance: Parrots come in various sizes, ranging from small species like the Budgerigar (parakeet) to large ones like the Hyacinth Macaw. They have strong, curved beaks, zygodactyl feet (two toes facing forward and two toes facing backward), and a short, hooked upper beak. Their plumage displays a wide array of colors, including vibrant greens, blues, reds, yellows, and more.

2. Intelligence and Mimicry: Parrots are renowned for their high level of intelligence. They have complex problem-solving abilities, keen observational skills, and the capacity to learn and mimic sounds, including human speech. Some species, such as the African Grey Parrot, are particularly known for their exceptional language and cognitive abilities.

3. Natural Habitat: Parrots are found in various regions around the world, primarily in tropical and subtropical areas. They inhabit diverse habitats, including rainforests, savannas, woodlands, and deserts. Parrots are native to regions such as Central and South America, Australia, Africa, and Asia.

4. Diet: Parrots have a varied diet consisting of fruits, seeds, nuts, berries, flowers, and in some cases, nectar and pollen. Some parrot species also supplement their diet with insects, larvae, or small vertebrates. In captivity, it’s important to offer a balanced diet that includes high-quality pellets, fresh fruits, vegetables, and occasional treats.

5. Lifespan: The lifespan of parrots varies greatly depending on the species. Smaller parrots, like Budgerigars, may live around 5 to 10 years, while larger species, such as Macaws and Cockatoos, can live for several decades. Some parrots, like the African Grey Parrot, have been known to live beyond 50 years with proper care.

6. Social Behavior: Parrots are highly social creatures that thrive on social interaction and companionship. In the wild, they often form flocks and engage in complex social behaviors. In captivity, it is important to provide parrots with ample socialization, mental stimulation, and opportunities for social interaction with their human caretakers.

7. Care and Ownership: Owning a parrot requires commitment and dedication. They need a spacious and enriched environment, including a properly sized cage, perches of various sizes and textures, and toys to keep them mentally and physically stimulated. Regular veterinary check-ups, a balanced diet, and mental engagement are necessary for their well-being.

It’s important to note that parrots are long-lived, highly intelligent, and social animals that require significant time, attention, and care. Before considering a parrot as a pet, it’s crucial to thoroughly research the specific needs of the species you are interested in and ensure that you can provide them with the appropriate environment and care throughout their lifespan.

There are several species of parrots that are commonly kept as pets due to their appealing traits, including their intelligence, ability to mimic sounds, and colorful plumage.

Here are some examples of popular parrot species kept as pets:

1. Budgerigar (Parakeet): Budgerigars, often referred to as parakeets, are small parrots native to Australia. They are known for their playful and social nature, ease of care, and ability to learn simple tricks. Budgerigars are available in a variety of colors and can be great companions for first-time bird owners.

2. Cockatiel: Cockatiels are small to medium-sized parrots native to Australia. They are known for their charming crests, friendly personalities, and ability to whistle and mimic sounds. Cockatiels are relatively low-maintenance birds and can bond closely with their human caretakers.

3. African Grey Parrot: African Grey Parrots are highly intelligent parrots native to the rainforests of West and Central Africa. They are known for their exceptional talking and mimicking abilities, as well as their complex problem-solving skills. African Grey Parrots require a significant amount of mental stimulation and social interaction.

4. Amazon Parrot: Amazon Parrots are medium-sized parrots native to Central and South America. They come in a variety of colors, and some species are known for their talking abilities. Amazon Parrots are social birds that require mental stimulation, social interaction, and consistent training.

5. Conures: Conures are a group of small to medium-sized parrots native to the Americas. They come in various colors and have playful and outgoing personalities. Popular conure species kept as pets include the Green-cheeked Conure, Sun Conure, and Nanday Conure. Conures are active birds that require regular social interaction and mental stimulation.

6. Macaws: Macaws are large parrots known for their vibrant plumage and impressive size. Popular pet macaw species include the Blue and Gold Macaw, Green-winged Macaw, and Scarlet Macaw. Macaws are highly intelligent and require ample space, socialization, and mental stimulation.

7. Cockatoos: Cockatoos are large parrots known for their crest and affectionate nature. Popular pet cockatoo species include the Umbrella Cockatoo, Moluccan Cockatoo, and Goffin’s Cockatoo. Cockatoos can be demanding pets in terms of attention and care, and they need a lot of mental stimulation and social interaction.

It’s important to note that each parrot species has specific care requirements, and potential owners should thoroughly research the needs, behavior, and lifespan of the species they are interested in before making a decision. Additionally, adopting a parrot from a reputable rescue organization or breeder is recommended to ensure the bird’s well-being and to support responsible parrot ownership.

[ben1d]

The Complete Truth About Parrots as Pets: What You Need to Know

Parrots, known for their vibrant plumage and remarkable intelligence, are captivating creatures that have charmed bird enthusiasts for generations. As potential pet owners, it's vital to uncover the complete truth about parrots as pets to ensure a harmonious and fulfilling companionship. In this brief guide, we will unveil the essential facts and considerations that will help you make an informed decision about welcoming a parrot into your home.

Section 1: Parrot Personality and Characteristics

Parrots are renowned for their vibrant personalities and striking appearances. They exhibit traits like:

a. Intelligence: Parrots are exceptionally intelligent and can learn various tricks and even mimic human speech.

b. Long Lifespan: Parrots have a long lifespan, often living for several decades, which is a long-term commitment.

c. Social Nature: Parrots are social animals that require regular interaction and mental stimulation.

Section 2: Parrot Species Diversity

There are over 400 species of parrots, each with unique characteristics and requirements. Popular species kept as pets include the African Grey, Amazon, Cockatiel, and Budgerigar, among others. Research the specific needs and traits of the species you're interested in to make an informed choice.

Section 3: Parrot Care and Maintenance

Parrot ownership comes with responsibilities, including:

a. Diet: Parrots require a balanced diet of high-quality pellets, fresh fruits, vegetables, and a variety of nuts and seeds.

b. Cage and Space: Providing a spacious cage and regular out-of-cage time is essential for their well-being.

c. Mental Stimulation: Parrots need mental stimulation through toys, puzzles, and social interaction to prevent boredom and behavioral issues.

Section 4: Noise Level

One crucial aspect to be aware of is that parrots can be noisy. Their vocalizations, including squawking and mimicking sounds, can be loud and may not be suitable for quiet living environments.

Section 5: Lifelong Commitment

Parrots are a long-term commitment. Some species can live for 50 years or more. Potential owners should be prepared for a lifelong bond and the financial and emotional responsibilities that come with it.

Section 6: Legal Considerations

Check your local regulations regarding parrot ownership. Some species may be protected, and permits might be required in certain regions.

Section 7: Allergies

Parrot feathers and dander can trigger allergies in some individuals. Make sure no one in your household has severe allergies before bringing a parrot home.

Conclusion

Owning a parrot can be a rewarding experience, but it's essential to be aware of the complete truth about parrots as pets. Their intelligence, longevity, and social nature make them unique companions, but they also demand a high level of care and commitment. Before deciding to bring a parrot into your life, thoroughly research the species you're interested in and consider the long-term implications of their care. By understanding what you're getting into, you can create a loving and lasting bond with your feathered friend.

[pumpkinspice-prouvaire]

Random fun question time!! If you were to give each Amis a pet, what animal would you give them and why?

ooooh EXCELLENT question, here's my answers. Some are die hard headcanons I have and others I just thought of, but all of them are right because I say so

Enjolras- Cat. He's a cat person 100%. He likes them because they're independent and self-sufficient, which is probably a quality he appreciates in people too. But also....they're soft. Lil paws. Slow blink. Also I feel like he had a cat when he was a kid, like a big fancy Persian or something. When he's an adult he adopts from a shelter.

Combeferre- African 👏 Grey 👏 Parrot 👏 Combeferre thinks people don't talk enough about the fact that parrots can literally speak. They fascinate him. So he has an African Grey and he teaches it tricks and phrases and speaks to it like it's human and it's the smartest bird you'll ever meet in your life. Also he taught it to mimic Courfeyrac, its impression is uncanny.

Courfeyrac- oooh he needs a big bouncy dog with as much energy as he has- a Labrador or a Collie or something. He loves big goofy dogs with big smiling grins, and he loves how every time he comes home his doggo is waiting there and is always so excited to see him again, it warms his heart. And he likes to go on jogs with it too.

Jehan- Is Jehan a dog person? No. Is Jehan a cat person? No. Jehan is a lizard person. They have an iguana and they like to put a lead on it and take it on the metro with them lmao. They actually like the amount of work that goes into caring for them, from cleaning the enclosure to the heat lamps to the live bugs they have to feed it. Plus it looks really cool.

Bahorel- everyone knows about my "Bahorel has a Newfoundland dog called Nemo" headcanon by now, it is an absolute classic. Bahorel loves big dogs because they look kind of fearsome and scary but most of the time they are gentle giants, and Bahorel can relate to that. Nemo in particular is the biggest ball of fluff and drool you will ever meet <3

Feuilly- Feuilly likes fish. He has a tank with a few goldfish, because they're low maintenance and nice to look at, but if he had more time he would love to get a tank full of tropical fish, he just thinks they're gorgeous and there's something very serene about watching them glide around the tank

Joly- Cat person Joly is canon so there's that for starters. He likes the easy affection and chilled out personality of cats, and plus he just thinks they're funny. He has lots of photos and videos of his cat doing dumb shit, and hundreds more photos of it just existing because.,,,.,,, so cute. Any time he speaks to anyone he's like Hello Would You Like To See My Son and then boom. Five hundred cat photos. He has a sphynx cat and likes to joke that it reminds him of Bossuet (he thinks he's hilarious- and he's right).

Bossuet- Pet rock because it's the only thing he can keep alive lmao. Ok not really. He likes cats because of osmosis from Joly (he does not look like Joly's cat- He doesn't), but I can also see him with gerbils or hamsters or something similar? I have no real reason for this he just has hamster vibes honestly

Grantaire- Dog guy. Not a purebread, a mixed breed. I feel like he likes dogs that aren't hugely energetic, but he likes the way having a dog forces him to get out of his bed and go for a walk at least once a day. He likes how loyal they are too. I feel like he didn't even try to adopt a dog, one just wandered into his house one day after him and a week later it was still there and he was like "huh. Guess I have a dog now?"

[plantsph]

TYPES OF CACTUS WITH UNIQUE LOOK AND  HOW TO TAKE CARE FOR THEM / Its About Gardening

Kinds of cactus-- Some cactus collection agencies often look for kinds of cactus plants with special appearances. Cactus is among one of the most popular plants nowadays.

Some gardeners prefer to look after this plant because it is not requiring, unlike the other plants that call for a lot of interest as well as care.

There are many different sorts of cactus plants and also types  that garden enthusiasts admire as a result of their one-of-a-kind look and also do not require a great deal of care.

Below are some kinds of Cactus and also some pointers on exactly how to look after them.

Types of Cactus with Unique look and how to Take care for them

The adhering to cactus types possess an one-of-a-kind look that will definitely transform your yard or house areas right into a highlighted and eye-catching one. As we all know, cactus are not demanding, so taking care of them is a little comfy with very little attention.

The following are types of cactus and some guides on just how to look after them.

Bunny Ear Cactus

The Bunny ears cactus or Opuntia microdasys are belonging to Mexico as well as usually seen in completely dry areas, particularly deserts.

Caring for bunny ears cactus is extremely simple considering that their native homeland is a bare desert. They can endure in a warm climate and also a lot of direct exposure to the sun.

The bunny ears cactus plants might be the excellent plant for you given that it doesn't require much focus as well as mostly undemanding.

Bunny Ears Cactus Care

Handling. Usage thick rubber handwear covers or used newspaper in touching up the pad of the bunny ears cactus. Dry the cut portion for three days prior to replanting it on a cactus dirt mix.

Soil. Use an excellent cactus mix for growing bunny ears cactus, or you can make your mix.

Watering. These plants are a gardener's pick for their low maintenance and also attractive look. Nevertheless, overwatering this plant may lead to the plant's fatality. Interval watering, or watering when the topsoil is dry, is advised.

Food. You can provide fertilizer to your bunny ears Cactus every summer season or spring to maintain your plant healthy and balanced.

Pests. These Cactus kinds are prone to problems like mealybugs and scale insects, particularly on the cacti's pad. Stop these bugs from ruining plants by utilizing a fungicide. Various other garden enthusiasts scrub alcohol on the plant to get rid of the issues.

Repotting: The bunny ears do not need consistent repotting. Once each year suffices because this plant is a slow-growing kind of cactus.

Blue Columnar Cactus

Pilosocereus Pachycladus, generally referred to as the 'Blue Columnar Cactus,' is special to every plant family. Unlike a lot of indoor plants, this Cactus adds blue color to your plant shade combination.

The plant's color and also all-natural, soft-grey layer contrasts the Cactus spikes, proper art work by the natural world.

Blue Columnar Cactus Care

Light: Like the various other cacti, they need a lot of direct sunlight to succeed.

Water: They require a steady supply of water during the summer and avoid overwatering them, which can cause origin rot.

Temperature : Blue columnar Cactus chooses warm tropical temperatures, preferably around or above 70 degrees Celcius.

Soil: This Cactus chooses dry soil with some natural nutrients, and great drain is important.

Moon Cactus

The ruby round cactus, frequently as the moon cactus, is an implanted sampling. It has a vivid red top or called the successor, and also is normally a Gymnocalycium mihanovichii.

The rootstock in the moon cactus can be many selections of cactus plants, however normally, some gardeners make use of dragon fruit as a result of its sturdy body.

Moon Cactus Care

Light: The heir likes color and also does not like direct sunshine. Nevertheless, the rootstock likes sunshine, unlike the heir. Putting them in a bright area is suggested.

Soil: Moon cactus favors rich and also quick-draining soil combines with a low pH. Ensure to use soil packed with lots of nutrients to maintain the rootstock healthy.

Water: Make certain that the dirt comes to be completely dry prior to watering your moon cactus once again. Avoid soaking it in damp soil for more than a day due to the fact that it may trigger rot. The moon cactus plant needs sufficient watering, especially during the summertime. Throughout the winter season, water them frequently is not required. Misting them every now and then is all right.

Fertilizer: The moon cactus doesn't need plant foods consistently, however throughout its growing period, you must give a cactus plant food to keep them healthy.

Repotting: Repot your moon cactus as frequently as possible, preferably during the summer season. When repotting a cactus, maintain the dirt dry prior to repotting and remove it from its pot very carefully to prevent origin devastation. Take off the old soil, try to find parasite check in the origins, and after that cut the dead origins from the Cactus If small pests are lurking on the plant's roots, clean them very carefully in running water. Usage fungicide in dealing with the cuts. Position the plant and also carefully place it in a pot and also fill potting dirt mix meant for cactus plants. Prevent watering the recently potted plant in a week to prevent origin rot.

Easter Cactus

The Easter cactus plant (Rhipsalidopsis Gaertneri) can be found in various shades of flowers. Usually, they are in bloom during vacations. Flower shades range from white to red, orange, peach, lavender, as well as pink.

Easter Cactus Care

Watering: Give your Easter cactus an excellent put of water & allow all of it drainpipe extensively out of its pot. Make sure the plant goes completely dry before sprinkling it again.

Light: Easter cactus favor bright all-natural light without any straight light from the sun. Direct sunshine will burn the fleshy fallen leaves of a Spring Cactus

Soil: Easter cactus expand on various other plants, rocks & bark in their natural environments. They don't grow in dirt. In nature, they feed off leaf issue & particles, which implies they like a really porous blend with some richness.

Fertilizing: Wait up until 1-2 months after your Spring Cactus has actually completed its blossom to feed. You want it to rest in the past hitting it with the great stuff.

African Milk Tree Cactus

The African Milk Tree is a durable plant and can mature to two feet high in a year to 8 feet tall.

It is reasonably very easy to proliferate, similar to a cactus, where one breaks off among the "arms" as well as roots in a potting tool.

African Milk Tree Cactus Care

Light: This type of cactus plant chooses indirect however bright sunshine. Nonetheless, it can additionally cope with complete sun direct exposure as long as the summers are not as well regularly hot.

Soil: This sort of Cactus is not as well meticulous about dirt mixes, yet good water drainage can make your cactus healthy and balanced. Heavy clay soils might restrict development and hinder drainage.

Water: The African milk tree doesn't need much water. If there is a horrible dry spell, consider additional watering at the origins. However otherwise, average rains must be sufficient.

Temperature and Humidity: This drought-tolerant plant chooses a dry or dry environment as well as can endure warm temperature levels. If expanded in a location with scorching summer seasons, the plant ought to be positioned in a place with partial color to avoid getting too hot.

Ladyfinger Cactus

The Mammillaria elongata is belonging to Mexico as well as recognized in English as Ladyfinger cactus. The name of these cactus plants came from the stems that appear like the lengthy as well as slim fingers.

They grow from the facility as well as get even more expansive and also spilling as it expands longer. The ladyfinger is an excellent selection for yards that require a slow-spreading plant, a compact container, or a hanging pot.

Ladyfinger Cactus Care Guide

Light: If you are mosting likely to put it outdoors, make sure the environment is hot as well as humid like the desert considering that it is belonging to that kind of environment. Nevertheless, these cactus kinds can also survive without straight sunlight, supplied that they are in a well-lit area.

Watering: The ladyfinger cactus can survive dry spell, just like many Cactus kinds yet make certain they get enough water every now and then. Nevertheless, avoid overwatering them because it may create origin rot.

Temperature and Humidity: The ladyfinger cactus requires a container brought specifically for inside. Make sure the place is well-ventilated as well as an intense area where it can indirectly get sunshine.

Soil: This sort of Cactus likes to utilize a basic cactus soil mix and ensure you plant it in a well-draining container or yard bed.

Types of cactus plants with special appearances and just how to take care of them-- The complying with cactus types discussed above are a great enhancement to your yard, and they all possess a special look.

Do you understand that they likewise have the unique ability to soak up hazardous chemicals launched by our gadgets or what we call radiation? For that reason, we can add them to our exterior yard and also in our home rooms.

[tiktokparrot]

African Grey Parrot Grooming Habits and What They Mean for Their Health

Discover the grooming habits of African Grey Parrots and learn what they reveal about their health, from preening to foot care, plus tips for keeping them happy and healthy!

[oberynmartell]

The exclusion of black and mixed children from British schools is reaching epidemic proportions. Recent high profile cases have seen pupils excluded from school for their hair being too short, too long, too big and too full. Students have been excluded for fades, locks, braids, natural afros and more - effectively every style and necessary protective method for the maintenance and upkeep of afro hair has been banned.

According to Justice.org, being excluded has a significant impact on the pupils’ lives; pupils who have been excluded are far less likely to reach the same levels of academic achievement and far more likely to end up in prison than their peers.

Children are being subjected to this treatment merely for the crime of being black.

To combat this institutional discrimination, the 2010 Equality Act needs to include explicit protection for afro hair.

Currently, "Protected Characteristics" covered by the Act's provisions for race include

(a)colour;

(b)nationality;

(c)ethnic or national origins.

Hair is not specifically mentioned anywhere in the 251 page document. This has created a grey area; whilst afro hair technically falls under the definition of a 'protected characteristic', without being explicitly named, in practice, it is all to easily discriminated against (as the frequency of exclusions for black hair styles demonstrates). The absence of hair as a protected characteristic reveals the cultural bias at play in the law, and demonstrates a blind spot that ignores one of the defining features of blackness.

Hair texture - like complexion - is one of the markers of African ancestry. In many African cultures hair traditionally held great spiritual significance, making it a cornerstone of identity and cultural expression. It would not be permissible to insist that children lighten their skin to attend school, yet policies that forbid black hair in its natural state or ban the use of the protective hairstyles required for black people to maintain their hair are effectively demanding the same type of assimilation.

This issue has sinister historical antecedents; enslaved black people were denied the opportunity to adequately care for their hair, and subject to regulatory practices that prevented them from undertaking proper hair maintenance and grooming. The regulatory nature of the school policies, and the harsh punishments meted out by the school authorities continues this racist tradition, and needs to stop.

Sign the petition to amend the equality act to explicitly protect afro hair!

[iwatchanimeoccasionally]

Ok, @topaxi said they’d like a post of all the animals I’d like to get so here it is.(under the read more because I am insane and there is so much)

This is a lot (and I know I’m not going to get everything on the first go so this is a work in progress) so let’s start with the smaller categories.

The first category is something I will never actually own because A) I am autistic so a lot of loud noises is something that I CANNOT handle and B) I don’t have the time to devote to them that I would need to keep them happy.

Birds: African Grey Parrot, Cockatoo, some kind of dove or pigeon, and a chicken. As you can probably tell, I haven’t put a ton of thought into these because I know I will never really own a birb.

Reptiles: Tortoise, preferable and African Spurred, but I’d take something smaller. I just think they’re neat. A bearded dragon because they’re hecka cool and cute. I really want some type of snake but my sister is deathly afraid of them so they’re a no-go if I want her in my life even a little bit. 

Amphibian: Axolotl. Have you seen them? THey’re awesome. I don’t want to maintain an aquarium, otherwise I’d have one by now. But maybe someday I’ll be patient enough to have an aquarium pet. 

Cats: An Oriental shorthair. I like long faces and they have a dumb meow. I mostly want a white one right now, but that might change and I might want another if I do get my white guy. I’d also take a maine coone, a savannah cat, an ocecat, or just rescue who is just right. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not much of a cat person but I believe they’re closer to the supernatural than other animals and I’m terrified of anything supernatural so when I move out on my own I’m gonna need a cat of my own to help me out with that stuff. Mostly because i like pets to be guardians and protect me just as much as I protect them and the most and least I expect for protection is warning when there is something there that shouldn’t be.

Rabbits: I will probably never get another rabbit, honestly. Larry is my entire world and I adore my other two rabbits, so I can’t see me being able to move on and get another rabbit if any of them pass. And they are a lot of work that I just am not sure I want to commit myself to again with the dogs that I want to get. However, I do still dream of having a sandy and fawn flemish giant (gotta catch ‘em all), a rex, a french lop, a holland lop, a dutch, and probably any other breed that I see.

Foxes: I just want a fox. I’m not picky. I just think they’re cool. Again, I never will because they’re too much work and require too much time and aren’t really good with any other pet, especially rabbits, but I can dream.

Farm animals: I want a cow, a goat, a couple sheep, a pig, and a horse. I’m not picky about what kind for any of them. Except maybe the horse. Let me do some research and get back to you. But, unless I win the lottery, they’re just not financially viable and, again, I don’t have the time to give them the care they need.

And now the big category, Dogs.

First is another collie. I’m not sure I’d stop at just one more because they’re great dogs, but I also can’t imagine owning more than two at once because I work in a grooming salon so I know exactly what they need in that regard and there’s only so much work that I want to bring home. But, specifically, I’d ideally get another sable merle, or just sable, from the same breeder I got Barkley from. Preferably same parents and everything so they’re siblings. I think that’d be cute. Oh, and I want a girl this time. 

Then, I want to rescue a greyhound. They look so dumb and are so funny and I love them. They’re super fragile, though, or at least that’s what I’m told, so I need a lot more financial stability before I can even consider that. Plus more room. I believe our house is big enough for another dog, but not a greyhound. 

Borzoi. Named Z. Because I have a friend who, for a while, really like that “the birds work for the bourgeoisie,” meme so I think it’s funny. Plus, I was watching Ocean’s 8 and the ex-boyfriend is shown walking two of them for a moment and I thought they were beautiful dogs that look like number 1 and number 2 on my list mixed together so I immediately thought that I need all 3 so I could have the whole trilogy.

A border collie. They’re probably my favorite breed but I have a mental block that I can’t get one without replacing Midnight so I want a blonde female to get as opposite from him as possible. (Her name was going to be what I’m going to name my next collie, but it’s more fitting for the collie now that I’ve decided to get another) There are generally more health problems for blonde border collies, though, and you’re almost guaranteed to have to buy them from breeders, which I don’t especially want to do. I mean, I’m fine with going through a breeder for collies but I’d rather rescue for other breeds. I don’t know why but that’s where I’m at right now.

Great Dane. I want a horse dog. I’ve always loved big dogs, in general if an animal has a large size I want it. And there’s this one named Pip who comes to my work and he’s so big and so much fun and I adore him so I want one now.

Irish Wolfhound. I think wire hair looks really cool and, again, I like big dogs, so I’ve wanted this breed for years. About 10 years, to be specific. One named Castiel comes to work for nails and I talked mom into letting me brush him out one time and damn, did he look good.

Smooth Saint Bernard. Purely because of a dog named Daisy who came to my work and she was the sweetest girl. She recently passed, about three months ago I believe, and I cried when I heard.

Standard Poodle. I don’t really want a curly coated dog because that doesn’t seem like fun daily maintenance, but I really love the way black standard poodles look. Especially with a clean face and clean feet. Plus there are so many fun, cute haircut options to play around with. 

Shih-tzu, Maltese, or Japanese Chin: I won’t actually own a small dog, until maybe when I’m old, but they’re all real cute.

Pit Bull. They’re so cute and sweet and I love them so much. 

Old English Sheepdog and/or Bearded Collie. They just look like such big dumbs and I love that in a dog.

Bull Terrier. I’m a sucker for long faces and they’re basically nothing but a long face.

Afghan Hound. They’re similar to Borzois to me, honestly. Just long face skinny bois with long hair. Which I like.

Smooth Collie. Specifically blue merle. I hate the way that color pattern looks on rough collies, but I think it looks fly as hell on smooths.

To be honest, I would love to own any herding breed other than a german shepherd. And I have a type, I love the long, sleek, skinny bois. (And american eskimo was never on this list, nor would it ever have made it, but I love Oso to death and he has made it so I have the most patience with eskies at work because they need to be handled a specific way and he has taught me the correct way)

[animal-welfare-not-animal-rights]

Hi, I just saw that you reblogged a couple posts that were against parrots being kept as pets, and I'm kind of confused. You seem to be in support of people owning snakes, lizards, and spiders. How are those animals any less wild/undomesticated than parrots are? And I see budgies and conures for sale much more often than I see those other animals for sale. I have a lovebird that I've owned for six months so far and I want to know how and why this is bad and what I should do about it.

Honestly most of the controversy around keeping parrots as pets is referring to talking ones: the ones that are highly intelligent, highly social, form life-long social bonds and have such a long life-span that they tend to outlive their owners (macaws, african greys, etc) - I don’t consider lovebirds to be on the same level.

It’s cruel to keep them as pets unless you basically rearrange your whole life around keeping them company and giving them enough enrichment (and try not to get one that you know is likely to outlive you). It’s not that it’s impossible to do so without cruelty, it’s just that the minimum requirements they need for that are far more than the vast majority of people who get them can give.

Snakes, lizards, and spiders all require much less enrichment and social interaction, and whilst they are exotic and a lot of the people who get them don’t know how to care for them, they could if they had the knowledge because those exotics are much much lower maintenance. It’s not about how wild/undomesticated they are, it’s about how capable people are of caring for them.

Like, I’m not against parrots existing as pets; I’m just against them being a ‘trendy/popular’ pet that people are getting just because they think it would be cool and then are not able to provide for properly. I’m against them being sold to incompetent people just for profit.

And the vast, vast majority of talking parrot owners I see or hear about are incompetent af and it upsets me.

[ask-chef-trussardi]

🦎- Exotic pet

[I’m not sure whether this meant what exotic pet he would have or what he would be.

For a pet he would have, considering Tonio is the owner and single employee of a restuarant, I doubt he would have much time to really care for a pet. But if he had one, it would likely be a snake, given their low maintenance nature. Either it would be something small and lazy like a Kenyan Sand Boa or something a bit more moderate like a cornsnake or milksnake.]

[Kenyan Sand Boa]

As for what exotic pet Tonio would be, I can only imagine some sort of large bird, like a parrot, which are known for being clever and intelligent while also being notoriously mischievous.

[African Grey Parrot]

[designedtodo]

THE KAMSK1 TEST - PART 0NE

A choose-your-own-adventure fic about the origins of rA9.

Summary: After years in prison, you receive a mysterious visit one day from Hank Anderson and Connor. They’ve come to request information about rA9. You’re one of the only people in the world who knows any hard facts about it. You begin to tell the tale of how you met the great Elijah Kamski, one of the major contributors to the creation of rA9.

Pairing for this fic: Elijah Kamski x Reader

This is my first fic for Detroit: Become Human. Seeing as it’s a choose-your-own-adventure sort of thing, it’ll be multiple parts. Hope you enjoy!

You paced back and forth across the length of the small, grey room. The guard who’d brought you here had said it wouldn’t be long, but you felt like you’d been waiting hours. Finally, just as you were about to start knocking on the door to ask what was up, it opened. A man with shaggy hair walked in holding a folder.

“What, you didn’t want to wait another half hour?” you snapped before taking a seat.

That didn’t last long, however, before another man followed. Tall, dark brown hair with eyes to match, beauty spots on the face, and a neon blue LED on the temple.

“Connor,” you breathed out.

The android you’d spent so much time and effort creating was real, and he was here to visit.

He looked at you, confused. “Do you know me?” he asked, taking a seat next to his partner.

You scoffed. “Of course I do.” You leaned forward, almost as though you were going to share a juicy secret. “I designed you.”

The other man cleared his throat. “That’s not really important right now. We have some things we wanna talk to you about.”

Connor continued. “We’re here to ask you some questions about rA9.”

You immediately shot up and began pacing once again. “Of all the things you’d wanna know…”

“We’ve spent months digging for information, trying to find anything we could. The only thing we were able to discover is that you know something about it.” Connor stated, sliding a folder forward.

Taking a moment to flip through it, you saw that it was the transcript from your trial. Most of it had been redacted, save for a few bits here and there, including the phrase, “rA9 was added”.

“Well, you certainly did your research.” You were frustrated, that was for sure. Grabbing the file, you backed up a few paces. “How exactly did you find this? I thought it was hidden away for good.”

“Kamski helped us,” Connor said, looking none too pleased about the fact.

You ground your teeth together before dropping the folder back down. “Fucking Elijah. You know that it’s his fault I’m in this stinkhole? If it weren’t for him…” You lightly kicked the wall with your foot, frustrated.

Taking a seat, you took a moment to look between Anderson and Connor. “So, what did you want to know?”

It was obvious they’d discussed the details beforehand with extreme caution, as Connor spoke without hesitation. “Did you create rA9?”

“Yes.”

Your open honesty clearly wasn’t expected, and they glanced at each other for a split second.

Connor looked deep into your eyes, and spoke the magic question; “How?”

You shot him a smirk. “Well that’s a long story.”

Lieutenant Anderson leaned forward. “We have time.”

Settling into your chair, you crossed your arms and spread out your legs. “It all started back in 2023. I was part of the design team for Cyberlife…”

~ Scene change -

Pacing back and forth, you considered the options before you. Cyberlife was working on a new kind of android; they wanted it to be smarter, more independant, and better than ever. But what could you make that would really make them accepting to the public?!

“A caregiver!” you exclaimed, shocking all of your coworkers.

John, who’d always tried to undermine your decisions, raised his eyebrow at you. “Care to explain?”

It took a lot of effort not to smack him.

“Research indicates that the elderly are much more receptive to androids. Most likely because they weren’t raised with them, therefore they don’t take advantage of them. What if we created an android designed to be a caregiver? The elderly would appreciate them, and their children would be grateful to have someone looking after their parents.”

The others in the room all let out noises of encouragement and agreement, albeit quietly. Cyberlife had been cracking down on deadlines, so tension was high.

Maria, who was writing everything down, took a moment to look up. “What’s going to make it special?”

That was tricky. You had to make an android that would revolutionize all future prototypes, but fit the budget. Therefore, it had to have one dominating trait that Cyberlife could focus on. You’d all been told that this generation would be much more human-like, that the coding for them would allow them to accurately reflect one trait with ease.

“It’s going to be artistic. Reports state that previous caregiver android models were too stiff, made the elderly feel like they were in a hospital. We’re going to make this new model artistic, to really make them feel comfortable.”

The atmosphere stiffened when clapping originated from the doorway. Everyone’s heads turned, spotting Elijah Kamski stepping into the room. It was almost comical how quickly everyone stood and abandoned their tasks.

“An artistic android caregiver. I like it. It’s unique. Something I’m sure the public will love.” Kamski supplied, approaching you. “What’s your name?”

You stuttered it out, your face flushing at just how close he’d gotten to you.

He smiled at your nervousness. “Tell me about this android.”

“W-well, there’ll be more than one m-model.” You were still nervous, that was for sure. Here was the CEO of the company you worked for, creator of the first android to pass the Turing test. And you were nothing but a lowly designer, someone who usually worked on city maintenance workers.

Disappointment was clearly visible on Mr. Kamski’s face.

“B-but-” you began, scrambling to come up with a model that could work. “It’ll be male in appearance. Blue eyes. African-Caucasian. Not too tall, so as to keep the attention of patients without causing them to feel intimidated.”

As you got into the swing of it, you grabbed a pencil and paper, sketching the android out. “It’ll have shaved hair, and a smooth voice. It’s primary function will be to care for the patient, with secondary being to entertain. Tertiary functions will include helping to keep the patient social; not as important, however, as this android will keep the patient happy enough.”

You spent another minute finishing up, and you had a rough drawing of the android’s design.

“Do you have a name for this miraculous android?” Mr. Kamski asked, rubbing at his chin in thought.

You quickly began to sift through piles and piles of statistics, lists of names, searching for the perfect one. “Markus!” you exclaimed, re-emerging with a grin on your face. “It’ll be called Markus.”

That was, without a doubt, the fastest you had ever created a design. Mr. Kamski very rarely left his own section of the building; he built androids up there all by himself, and if he had any input on decisions made, it was submitted as review to all reports sent his way.

Mr. Kamski took a moment to look around the room, before carefully pinning his intense gaze back on you. “Carl Manfred’s birthday is soon.” That was an exaggeration; it was in eight months. “I would like to work with you to make this android for him.”

You could have sworn your heart stopped for a full minute. Elijah Kamski, CEO of Cyberlife and bonafide genius, wanted to build an android for one of the greatest artists of the century, and he wanted to build it with you. This was a lot to take in.

Remembering that he was waiting for an answer, your mouth stretched into a grin, and you said, “I’d be honoured, Mr. Kamski sir.”

He clapped his hands together. “Perfect! I’ll send you the details. I think you’ve all worked hard enough for one day,” he addressed the room, “go out and have a drink. It’s on me.”

As soon as he left, your coworkers surrounded you, and you just couldn’t believe it. What an opportunity!

Hope you guys enjoyed! Please leave/send reviews or thoughts. Can’t wait to post the next part. :)

Tagging @glitch-girl318, who I saw requested DBH authors tag them. Hope you liked this. Tagging @riiwriting as well.

[genuineafricanformula]

Black soap for acne blemishes can be used for purposes more than just washing the skin

Authors bio – https://genuineafricanformula.com/ Based on therapeutic and preventative maintenance concepts, these products' carefully selected components help the skin, hair, and body achieve and keep their healthiest, most youthful appearance. All items are created with the fewest preservatives possible, and offensive fragrances have been completely eliminated. Our products are all hypoallergenic, sensitivity tested, non-porous, and acne-resistant.

Summary – African black soap has antibacterial properties that may help treat some skin conditions and lessen the signs of aging. Black soap for acne scars is made without lye, giving it a silky finish and much more moisturizing qualities. If your body is tight and worn out from a hard daily routine or your mind is working nonstop due to stress, the benefits of body & skincare product therapies will be evident immediately away. 

A traditional soap from West Africa is called African black soap. It is produced with natural materials and has several health advantages. This Acne blemishes black soap may be used for more than simply skin cleaning. African black soap contains antibacterial characteristics that may be able to reduce some indications of ageing and aid with some skin diseases.

African black soap was first made as an all-natural soap in several West African nations. The exact formula varies depending on where the soap was made, but the majority of them use palm kernel oil and the filtrate of either toasted plantain skin ash or burnt cocoa pod ash. Aloe vera, honey, cocoa butter, lime, and camwood, a tree endemic to central West Africa, are some other additives that can be used.

Acne blemishes black soap is produced without the use of lye, which gives it a smooth texture and more moisturizing properties. Additionally, it has no aroma, making it appropriate as with most skin types. ‌African black soap comes in a wide variety of varieties nowadays. Certain are more refined than others. Look for one that has had the lowest amount of processing. Seek for a soap that is dark or grey in colour and has an irregular surface if you want to locate real African black soap. The edges need to be a little crumbly.

Here are seven advantages of therapeutic body & skin care treatments with Body care products that are simple to achieve.

1. Tense reduce - We may have tightness in our shoulders, neck, backs, and even legs as a result of the daily grind.

2. Clean skin - Because our skin shields us from the pollutants and hardships of the outer world, maintaining healthy skin safeguards our general well-being

3. Relief from chronic pain - Long periods of standing, moving, or sitting all lead to persistent aches throughout the body. 

4. Surface toxins - The removal of toxins from the body with Body care productsenables it to work more effectively when required, enabling you to confront and overcome the problems in your life.

5. Better circulation - Although they may finally make you feel relaxed, the bends of a genuine Thai massage also stimulate blood flow throughout your body.

6. Growth in confidence - The clean, smooth skin that comes from facials & waxing treatments helps you manifest your best, most confident self in addition to the purifying effects of numerous body & skin care treatments.

7. Calms the body and mind - The advantages of body and skincare product treatments will be seen right away and be gratifying, regardless of whether your body is stiff and exhausted from a demanding daily schedule or your mind is pulling out all the stops due to stress. To know more information about this article, visit: - https://genuineafricanformula.com/

[aminellelia-blog]

Fifty Shades of Grey Parody

This is my very first Tumblr post. I originally wrote this parody last year and posted it on Fanfiction.net, but now I decided to share it here too. If you like Fifty Shades of Grey I recommend you don’t read this story. It’s making fun of it to the fullest extent, because I really don’t like it.

All characters that aren’t part of the original story are covered in bold.

Enjoy!

We pan over Seattle. Bella-err, Anastasia Steele (not sure if it's supposed to be a subtle take on a sex toy) is a cute, clumsy, virginal, college student living there, trying to embody as many of the average female viewers as possible. Spoiler alert: she's less relatable than Bella Swan, which is ironic considering where her flatness originated from.

ANASTASIA'S BOTTOM LIP: OH. EM. GEE. I'm going to be a star!

KATE: Bella, I'm sick, so you'll have to interview that super, hot, sexy, although-kind-of-rapey-but-excused-because-he's-hot guy I was going to interview.

ANASTASIA: I've seen enough porn to know where this is going. YES! I've always wanted to say that line where it made sense.

KATE: Don't push it, girl. You're just interviewing him.

ANASTASIA: And I'm getting a piece of that.

AUDIENCE: Have all innocent-minded asexuals in the world miraculously moved to Mars?

Anastasia finds the bigass building owned by Edward Christian Cullen Grey. Huh, last time I watched *Secretary* he just owned a small office. Blown-up barbie human dolls meet her and is led to the predator's office. Ana, run. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN, ya dense cow. To be cute, she stumbled over the flat threshold, which I have no idea how you possibly can.

CHRISTIAN: That's so adorable. Wanna have sex?

ANASTASIA: Sex is a tea flavor, right?

CHRISTIAN: Hominah. My name is Christian Grey. While you're on your knees anyway, suck my cock, hoe.

ANASTASIA: What an interesting euphemism for interview. My name is Anastasia St-pff! My friend is sick with the flu and asked me to come here being your next victim in her place. Though, I don't know how a man with toddler eyes could be dangerous.

CHRISTIAN: A slut's mouth shouldn't be moving more than necessary, so get on with your 10-minute interview.

ANASTASIA: Aight. Here's a question every sane viewer asks: How come you are so much richer at a younger age than Mark Zuckerberg was despite not doing shit?

CHRISTIAN: OMG, you stupid, f*cking bitch. How dare you ask me a good question. I can't believe your insolence. Kill yourself.

ANASTASIA: Well?

CHRISTIAN: It's not very relevant, is it? What is relevant is my filthy rich viper up your low-class clam shell.

ANASTASIA: Vipers and clam shells?

CHRISTIAN: Trust me, when it comes to the themes in this film, those are really the best metaphors.

ANASTASIA: Yeah, then...what is your interest outside of work?

CHRISTIAN: Didn't I already answer that? Enough with your audacity. Give me an actual question, if your inferior-to-men mind can afford that, you filthy lowlife.

ANASTASIA: Are you gay? Ain't I cute, reading and spitting out whatever before thinking.

CHRISTIAN: Another good question. What the hell is wrong with you?

ANASTASIA: Morton's Fork is at play, I see.

CHRISTIAN: If you must know, no.

ANASTASIA: Are you a self-serving asshole?

CHRISTIAN: Finally something relevant. Yes, I am. Now, do you have a question you want to ask me instead of your friend's?

ANASTASIA: You've spent this time insulting me and then you ask for my viewpoint. Heh. Okay.

CHRISTIAN: Shut it, hole-to-please-men. I just want to pry and see if you're up for sitting upon this lance or not. Let me give you subtle suggestiveness about it.

ANASTASIA: … You said you're an asshole. Why do I get the feeling that's not true?

AUDIENCE: Because you're numb in the upper story?

A secretary comes in and interrupts the so-called interview. More like a director-to-actor conversation.

SECRETARY: Mr. Grey, you have a meeti-

CHRISTIAN: Are you serious? We only talked for four minutes!

SECRETARY: OH! Yeah. Sorry. My bad. *Leaves*

CHRISTIAN eyes ANASTASIA with a creepy intensity that would rival Hugh Hefner's erection.

CHRISTIAN: I can't be standin' my stupid bitches. At least you seem bland, and that be good enough for me. How about finishin' your finals, then you becomin' my bottom bitch?

ANASTASIA: Throwing away my promising potential future career for becoming a mindless sex slave to a guy who can't stop staring down my vag? I'll think about it. It'll most likely be yes. Who am I kidding, it's yes. Otherwise there would be no plot to speak of.

AUDIENCE: In this case, it would be a good thing.

CHRISTIAN does the rarest thing next to platinum, being an actual gentleman walking ANASTASIA to the elevator. When she walks in, he steals the sheet with questions from her papers without her noticing.

CHRISTIAN: Joinkity-joink!

ANASTASIA walks out, where it conveniently rains. That sex joke was old 20 years ago.

ANASTASIA: Holy Hindu's Cow, that insulting business man made me cream myself, oh so help me. I'm gonna domesticate dat ass.

ANASTASTIA'S VAGINA: Finally, I get to see the light of day!

ANASTASIA'S BOTTOM LIP: LET'S WORK TOGETHER TO TAME HIM!

ANASTASIA'S VAGINA: YAY!

ANASTASIA'S BRAIN: Can I join the party, too?

ANASTASIA'S CLIT: Shove it, punk.

ANA goes home to her and KATE's dorm. KATE is sitting writing their report-thingamajig upon her arrival.

KATE: So how was he?

ANA: Polite, clean, courteous… oh, who am I kidding, he was a douchebag.

KATE: EEEEEE I SHIP IT SO HARD! … did you f*ck?

ANA: Heck, no! I think it will take time getting his misogyny to consent to that. By the way, that "gay" question, total dick move.

KATE: We as a society have to know everything, we can't leave it alone, we have to know every single detail.

ANA: Stop sounding like the 4chan community.

KATE steals ANA'S sandwich she was making.

ANA: You motherf*ck-, you just don't steal sandwiches! You just don't, EVER! Never mind, I will try to get one with the toppings of Grey's mojo… wait did I say that out loud? Holy crap crappity crap crap inner goddess subconscious!

KATE: OMG FAVORITE SHIP OF ALL TIME.

AUDIENCE: … planet Earth sucks.

ASEXUALS: Told ya so!

We get a montage of ANA going to class and meeting her friend JOSÉ when she goes on her way to work.

JOSÉ: Hey, uh… I love you and care about you. I'll show this by being genuinely courteous and caring.

ANA: I'm sorry, but I'm into dicks who want to hurt me by sticking giant Hitachi Magic Wands up my butt. See ya!

JOSÉ: … I can do that, too…

AUDIENCE: DUDE. NO. IT AIN'T WORTH IT.

FAN AUDIENCE: Even we agree.

ANASTASIA gets to her work shift and her phone rings; it's her mother stating she's not coming to her graduat-*yawn* this is not relevant to a wiener pushed up a cooch, so who honestly watching this drivel would give a flying fladoodle? We want action, dammit!

AUDIENCE: Not that we're expecting any worth jacking off to.

CHRISTIAN: *stalking*

ANA: *sees him* Holy shit… I'm so turned on right now.

CHRISTIAN: Pleasant meeting you, future slav- I mean, Ms. Steele…-y Dan. That will be your pet name, oh yeah.

ANA: Just Ana. If you're going to continue stalking me, at least don't be too polite.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, except he was already out of that game to begin with by stalking you. And by being an asshole. And by raping you with his eyes.

CHRISTIAN: Fyi, my sweet ragmuffin, I'm actually here on business. *cough*excepti'mactuallynotandiactuallywantdatass*cough*

ANA: What can I help you with?

CHRISTIAN: Give me some rap- err, rope to strangl- I mean, tie you up- I mean, use erotic asphyxation for- I mean…

ANA: Rope?

CHRISTIAN: … Yeah, rope. Just plain "rope". Let's go with that…

More useless dialogue… Putting in random Tom & Jerry skits would tell the story better.

CHRISTIAN: *senseless flirting*

ANA: *holy-crap-he-talks-to-lil'-ol'-me-blush*

FAN AUDIENCE: Squeeee!111 OMG HE SOH SEXEHH!

AUDIENCE: Quiet! I'm trying to think of a way to excuse myself out of watching this.

FAN AUDIENCE: You just don't get it!

AUDIENCE: Uh, yeah, we do. We really do, pumpkin.

ANA: Thank you for buying at Clayton's, please come again have a great day, bye mmkay!

CHRISTIAN: Here's my phone number. I'm saying I'm offering original photos for your report by giving you this, but it's actually rapist-ese for "I want to penetrate your posterior".

ANA: Thanks come again. *he leaves, beat* I would masturbate now, but I'm so virginal and mentally 12-years old I don't even know how to.

AUDIENCE: Seriously? Just… seriously? Did you get an African circumcision or something?

The poopshoot-photo shoot happen fiddiddlediddlydoo. Of course, he asked her for coffee afterwards, like, the biggest shock since Donald Trump messing up as president… in case you don't get it, not shocking.

CHRISTIAN: Is José your boyfriend?

ANA: No.

CHRISTIAN: Is Paul your boyfriend?

ANA: No.

CHRISTIAN: Then no one will protect you from my sword's impending wrath. Perfect.

ANA: ?

AUDIENCE: The possessive streak isn't a warning signal.

FAN AUDIENCE: Dude, what the hell are you on about?

AUDIENCE: We're just counting the million things not inside Ana's brain. This is one of them, right behind sexual education and common sense.

FAN AUDIENCE: Dude, shut the f*ck up.

AUDIENCE: Nope. You get entertained by this, we get entertained by our thoughts. Win-win.

They go out for coffee. He would much rather do other things involving coffee with her, and I ain't talking about drinking it.

ANA: Woah, scolding hot.

CHRISTIAN: And I would ejaculate if it were all over you burning your skin and making you scream in pain- err, I mean, blow on it. Not just on it, but on my-

ANA: I find you intimidating.

CHRISTIAN: Clever hawk.

ANA: I also find you a high-maintenance obsessed jerk.

CHRISTIAN: Then why do you find me interesting?

ANA: The plot wants me to.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, right. So anyway, your family, what are they like? They must be just as interesting and colorless as you. (Finally got that pesky getting-to-know-her-question out of the way…)

ANA: My dad Ray is cool, and my mom is a romanti-

CHRISTIAN: Jab, jab jab. You?

ANA: Am I romantic? I'm an English major, so yes, I am. Because you have to be a linguist to be able to be passionate with words, and your entire personality hinges on your occupation. Also, this is a complete lie. I'm not romantic. I can't be if I'm lusting after you. But I like to think I am.

CHRISTIAN: *ahw shiet look* I can't deal with delusional dumbasses right now. Come, I'll walk you out, you can't do it yourself.

ANA: Because I'm so stupid?

CHRISTIAN: No, because you're a girl.

AUDIENCE: 100 million. 100 million dollars… *sob*

They go outside for the closest thing this movie can have for DRAMA. The scene is a bigger insult to the word than Ana's wet stain in her panties.

ANA: Look, if you have a girlfriend…

CHRISTIAN: I don't. I'm just going to pretend to have a shred of humanity in me by giving you one last warning that I'm everything you can't want, not that moronic girls like you like bad boys and will want to come back to them. Because this movie likes degrading women and making men into domineering overlords, in case you couldn't tell.

ANA: …OMG I'm going to sob and think about you and watch Nicholas Sparks films while eating chocolate ice-cream and be such a chick about it OMG boohoo! *runs off*

CHRISTIAN: …dammit, I'm horny now. Better find a prostitute.

AUDIENCE: I hope to find something to jack off to myself. Like the bicycle that just ran by and almost hit Ana in the shot.

FAN AUDIENCE: Jeez, you're still going?

ANA and KATE finished their exams and now they're going to party, because assuming you got passed in an exam without knowing first is cause for celebration. And, of course, along with being virginal like a rock in space without the company of another rock, she gets completely plastered. Aww, ain't that just the cutest thing ever?

AUDIENCE: When Rock Lee did it, yes.

FAN AUDIENCE: But, he destroyed everything in his path when drunk?

AUDIENCE: Exactly.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Let's up our game in cuteville.

ANA: *not having yet deleted him as contact for some reason, calls Christian* :D

CHRISTIAN: *picks up* Hello?

ANA: Hello. So, uh, this is my cute call to say I need you, man. Dude, I love you. Get over here so we can continue this plot already, you sexy fox. You're so bossy, tho. You need to stop being so controlling, I'm my own woman and I'll get what I want, and that is your dong in my throat.

AUDIENCE: Normally you become stupid when drunk, but she must be so stupid it goes the opposite way or something.

CHRISTIAN: Is this a booty call?

ANA: It's whatever you want it to be, baby. *hangs up*

JOSÉ comes out for the matter-of-time rejection scene with Ana as she has gone outside.

JOSÉ: I love you. Let's kiss.

ANA: No. I don't wannnaaaaa…

JOSÉ: No equals yes equals no equals yes equals no equals yes. Even numbers! That means you want to swallow my tongue. Let's get to it.

CHRISTIAN intervenes and pushes him away, trying to be a knight in shining armor, but since he is who he is, it's more like a kidnapping from the real knight in shining armor by comparison.

CHRISTIAN: Back off man, she's my future rape victim. Get your own.

JOSÉ: *rejected nice guy cockerspaniel eyes* *Leaves*

CHRISTIAN: Let's get you to my apartment.

ANA: No, thanks. I'm with Kate.

CHRISTIAN: I ordered my brother Elliot to go "Date Kate, she's willin'!"-

(A/N: I apologize for that reference, dear folks, but I have to maintain my sanity somehow)

CHRISTIAN: -because siblings are my bitches, too. You're coming with me now, I won't take no for an answer, you're useless by yourself.

ANA: *intimidated* Okay.

AUDIENCE: Crazy f*ck.

FAN AUDIENCE: Aww, he cares about her.

AUDIENCE: I'm pretty sure taking somebody home in hopes of screwing the shit out of them wouldn't fall under the "caring" category in the average dictionary.

FAN AUDIENCE: …is there an off switch on you?

AUDIENCE: So no one with actual brains can sarcastically comment on this to others amusement and make them want to kill themselves less? What do you think, genius?

Ana wakes up in Christian's apartment the next morning. Without even seeing him, hearing him, smelling him or using any of the other five main senses, he's already giving her orders in poor Alice in Wonderland references on the bedside table.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND REFERENCE: I'm only in it for the money.

ANA: Oh my God, an odd moment of out-of-characterness (the most I can have, anyway) makes me realize waking up like this is creepy. I mean, I'm undressed. And where did you sleep?

CHRISTIAN: Next to you.

ANA: OH. MY. GOD.

CHRISTIAN: Don't worry, necrophilia is not my thing.

ANA: What's that got to do with anything?!

CHRISTIAN: … *sigh* I didn't have sex with your sleeping body.

ANA: Why didn't you just say so? What the hell did you mention necrophilia for?

AUDIENCE: Because E.L. James and Sam-Taylor Johnson feel so smug that they know a complicated word they forgot to look up the actual meaning behind it.

ANA'S SUBCONSCIOUS: Don't worry, that's kind of their thing.

CHRISTIAN: *throws toast at Ana* EAT.

ANA: NO. *throws it back*

CHRISTIAN: I ain't playing catch *throws it back* EAT.

ANA: *succumbs, takes a bite*

CHRISTIAN: I'm picking up new clothes for you, too. The ones you wore looked like shit.

ANA: Because I puked on them?

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, that too. *takes off shirt for absolutely no reason*

ANA'S VAGINA: Hominah hominah hominah hominah

FAN AUDIENCE: HELL YEAH, WE'RE FINALLY IN FOR KINKY STUFF!

AUDIENCE: Kill me…

CHRISTIAN'S ABS: Hey, baby, wanna go back to my place?

ANA'S CLIT: You bet your ass I wanna!

CHRISTIAN'S ABS: Cool. Let's just hope our hosts agree.

ANA'S CLIT: GDAMMIT.

ANA'S BRAIN: LOL!

ANA'S CLIT: STFU

ANA: Why did you take me here?

CHRISTIAN: Haven't I made that clear a million times already? I can't leave your sexy pooper alone, because I wanna do it.

ANA: …then don't. Leave it alone, I mean.

ANA'S CLIT: LOL!

ANA'S BRAIN: STFU

CHRISTIAN: You don't understand… oddly enough. I'm into BDSM. I like hardcore spanking-your-ass-til-you-bleed kink. I'm not into romance, I only like the aspects coming from it. You wouldn't be able to handle it.

ANA: Wanna bet?

CHRISTIAN: …50 bucks?

ANA: Deal. But I'll have to work first. Let's meet at 7 pm.

CHRISTIAN: 'Kay.

ANA'S BOTTOM LIP: *attention whoring*

CHRISTIAN: I'd like to bite that lip.

AUDIENCE: *snort laugh* I'm sorry, that's… just… beautiful. This would make an awesome comedy film. Just leave out the violent abuse, and you've got material better than Adam Sandler's.

CHRISTIAN: But I want you to write consent to that.

ANA: Ok.

AUDIENCE: *ROARING LAUGHTER*

FAN AUDIENCE: What's so funny? Lip-biting may be classified as rape in Wyoming!

They go to the elevator to take Ana home, with the latter doing some more cute lip-biting.

CHRISTIAN: That's a dealbreaker!

AND SEXY MAKEOUT TIEMZ ARE HAD LMAO.

They get to Ana's apartment and MORE SEXY TIEMZ ARE HAD… by Kate and Elliot, that is.

FAN AUDIENCE: Oh, come ON! When are the things we paid for coming?

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Patience. If we made it shorter, the movie would be cheape- I mean, the movie wouldn't follow the original novel.

ANA: Okay, I did not have to see that.

CHRISTIAN: Only if it were you and I in a mirror. *slasher smile*

ANA: Whu…?

The boys leave for the girls to have girls talk which is stupid as per usual. (A/N: Before you say anything, I'm female. Who find this kind of girl talk stupid. I'm not explaining it further).

KATE: Now did you f*ck?

ANA: No.

KATE: Damn! How slow are you, girl?

ANA: I barely know him, Kate.

KATE: So what?

AUDIENCE: Because true love doesn't have to revolve around sex and in actuality comes down to respect and understanding from both parties' ends and being happy just spending time with your partner in terms and ways that aren't constantly related to your genitals?

FAN AUDIENCE: Ha! What kind of gay theory is that?

AUDIENCE: The theory from dawn of time.

FAN AUDIENCE: …Well, the world is progressing.

AUDIENCE: Negatively, yes.

FAN AUDIENCE: For crying out loud, when will you shut up?!

AUDIENCE: When they give up on continuing the series.

FLYING-IN-A-STUPID-HELICOPTER-MONTAGE: *plays music by Ellie Goulding far surpassing the quality of this film*

Their helicopter ride got them to an apartment more classy than any mansion somewhere else, which isn't where they were before at least, and wine is had. There is a non-disclosure agreement set on the table in front of Ana.

ANA: What is that?

CHRISTIAN: It's a contract with terms and conditions about discussing our relationship, sexually or no, with anyone. My frickin' lawyer is involved with it, because rutting back and forth is formal business.

ANA: Wow, I had no idea you were so organized. That's hot.

AUDIENCE: Controlling is more like it.

ANA signs it without reading its entirety, making her agree to become a HUMANCENTiPAD with two others that… oh, sorry, wrong show. I just find that scene more arousing than anything in this.

ANA: Are you gonna make love to me now?

CHRISTIAN: I don't make love. I f*ck. Hard.

AUDIENCE: That line is too magnificent to comment on.

FAN AUDIENCE: GOOD. I was about to bash your head in.

Ana isn't frightened, because those words are calming for a virgin. She asks why this is, and he takes her to his "playroom".

CHRISTIAN: Beyond this door, there's a playroom.

ANA: Like your Xbox and stuff?

AUDIENCE: How the hell are you 21?

CHRISTIAN: If by Xbox you mean anal play thing, then yes. Not that I would expect a hair-brained idiot like you to use sexual euphemisms.

He takes out a key.

CHRISTIAN: Anyway, know that you can leave at any time. If it's too much for you, I completely understand. Just know that the helicopter is outside and I'm not forcing you into anything. Just relax, don't panic when you see it, just tell me. Calm down, calm down CALM DOWN CALM DOWN!

ANA: YOOUUUU calm down!

AUDIENCE: The Three Stooges slapstick would be comedy gold right now.

ANA: Try me, Mr. Man.

ANA'S BRAIN has been beaten to unconsciousness by the other three main emotions of hers.

ANA'S CLIT: Welcome to kinkville, faggot.

The door is opened, and she's presented to the very sexual definition of "playroom".

ANA: HOLY SHIT.

In terror, she looks at his perverted stash of sex toys. Stepping forward, she takes an even breath and touches one of them thoughtfully. Christian walks up behind her.

CHRISTIAN: That's a flogger.

ANA: Yeah, because when I see a room full of sexual equipment meant for blurring the thin line between pain and pleasure I'm not even familiar with as I'm a virgin I wonder what the hell a feathery sex toy is called.

CHRISTIAN: Didn't you?

ANA: …yeah, I did.

CHRISTIAN: Well, then. What do you think?

SILENCE: *appropriate*

CHRISTIAN: Say something. Please.

ANA: Well, sorry, but this is a lot to take in! I have never had sex, after all! Do you expect me to just up and "This is cool, let's roleplay as Batman and Catwoman while I'm tied up in the most humanly degrading position possible with these ropes over here"?

CHRISTIAN: …yes? I mean, only if you want me to.

AUDIENCE: Well, how the heck can she know if she wants to, dumbass?

CHRISTIAN: Well, I'm a dominate. That means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me. There are my set of rules I want you to follow; if you follow them, reward awaits. If you don't, you'll be punished.

ANA: By using this stuff on me?

CHRISTIAN: No, by saying mean things to you that would hurt your widdle feewings- of course with this stuff, lummox!

AUDIENCE: You know that South Park fanfiction "Kyle in Chains"? That story explained BDSM a hell of a lot better.

FAN AUDIENCE: That story didn't even revolve around BDSM.

AUDIENCE: Exactly.

ANA: What would I get out of this?

CHRISTIAN: Aside from bruises? Me.

ANA: And if I refuse?

CHRISTIAN: You won't be getting me, genius. That's how bargains work.

They leave the room to head for a different room.

CHRISTIAN: If you agree, this will be your room during the weekends while we spend the entirety of it having hardcore sex in mine. We'll discuss negotiations later and sounding so formal when talking about something so ridiculous as this is just laughable.

ANA: …what if I wanted you in a romantic way?

CHRISTIAN: That will never work.

ANA: But-

CHRISTIAN: I said no. I can only have this type of relationship. I only get off on making my girls suffer. Being tender and loving towards them makes me sick to my stomach. It's so gay. Because people practicing bondage don't have feelings and are cold-hearted monsters like me.

ANA: Aren't you being a bit close-mi-

CHRISTIAN: No, I'm not. Now shut up.

AUDIENCE: F*cking bigot.

CHRISTIAN: Now, I have a contract prepared detailing what kind of pain I want to serve on your pretty little ass. I'll let you decide what I can do to you, except I will not.

ANA: I wouldn't know how. Because like my naïvity about this subject has strongly implied during the last few days, I'm a virgin.

CHRISTIAN: What is that, what is vur-geen? Never heard of it. *gets whispered information by Sam-Taylor Johnson* Holy crap, that's a concept?!

He retaliates in shock and rests his forehead in his palm.

CHRISTIAN: Just… a life without sex. What kind of life is that? Is it the life of the dismayed? Do you live in New Jersey?

ANA: Maybe lives don't revolve around sex.

CHRISTIAN: Dare say that again and I will slap the shit out of you.

AUDIENCE: And we all know perfectly well you'd follow up on that word.

Christian empathically cradles her face in his hands, feeling sorry for her for something one shouldn't feel sorry for anyone about.

CHRISTIAN: Poor baby. You don't know how it feels to be penetrated by a pink-headed womb broom in your octopus taco? My God. I can't imagine the pain you're enduring.

ANA: Um… I'm not hurting.

CHRISTIAN: Yes, you are. Without knowing it. I don't know how you can feel pain without knowing it, but that's beside the point. I need to save your honor by f*cking you until your pussy has turned to mush.

ANA: Didn't you say you wouldn't touch me until I wrote my consent?

CHRISTIAN: Look, you want me to make tender, passionate, affectionate love to you or not?

ANA: *instantly forgets what she just said* Of course, *swoony-woony*. Let's hit the sack, bad boy!

AUDIENCE: Finally! Let's see if the trailers put the money where their mouths are.

They take an awful long time to strip each other…

AUDIENCE: Okay…?

Take more time stripping one another…

AUDIENCE: OKAY?

Now he's slowly caressing her from top to bottom.

AUDIENCE (ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD VOICE): WHAT THE F*CK?!

FAN AUDIENCE: *smiles awkwardly*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Perfect! That fills the tenderness quota for the film. Now, what more can arouse the viewer? Ah, yes, close-ups of Dakota's nipples and Jamie's hairy ass, of course!

AUDIENCE: *grossed out*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: And his refusal to let her touch him during her first time is so hot OMGGG, I'm 'bout to bust my puss… OH… OOOOHHHHHHH…. Ah, done. Get me some tissues, E.L James. I'm finished.

E.L. JAMES: THAT WAS BLOODY AWESOME, I GOTTA SAY! There's no way any one can not get hot and bothered by this.

FAN AUDIENCE: …WTF. We paid to see porn! Instead we got close-ups of skin and poorly-acted orgasms.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: You paid to see Fifty Shades of Grey. Now shut up and beat it. Literally. 'Cause this is what you're getting.

FAN AUDIENCE: FFFFMMMLLL…

Some more SMEXY TIEMZ are had, but it further reinforces the wish among the audience that they could be watching a good-quality video of drying paint instead. Because it would be more sexually stimulating than anything we've been shown so far, including the hot tub sex…

AUDIENCE: You know? I would be a million times more excited had the main characters been Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling instead.

FAN AUDIENCE: But he's literally a murderous psychopath!

AUDIENCE: Exa-*gets punched by fans* -oof!

ANA: So where's the 50 bucks you owe me?

CHRISTIAN: Not so fast, I have yet to- *hears steps downstairs* oh, shit! Mommy's here!

CHRISTIAN'S BOLOGNIA WAND: Retreat! Retreat!

ANA'S BRAIN: So I guess this is the only sense of dignity he has, huh?

ANA'S CLIT: You still alive, asshole?

They go downstairs to greet Christian's mother (whom is not the one described in the book as the "crack whore" I hope…)

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Hey, how is my baby today? Is he feeling like the same shit-load amount of money he's got for doing nothing but sexing random ladies up?

CHRISTIAN: MOOOOOOOOOMMM, I was having a lady over for SEEEEEEEEXXX…

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Hush, dear, I know you have to do something to not bore yourself to death in your spoiled rotten rich life.

CHRISTIAN: *childish pout*

Ana reaches her hand out to greet her hopefully-not-future-mother-in-law, which the latter grabs.

ANA: Hello~

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Oh, you must be his new toy! It is a pleasure to meet you, the 105th girl in his woman-of-the-week-parade. How's your bottom?

ANA: Well-

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Oh my, you must be a very special girl whom he could hopefully settle down with forever; I've never met such a chunk of platinum like you! How would you like to come to a family dinner so we could get more acquianted with a rare gem such as yourself?

ANA: Umm…

CHRISTIAN's MOM: Perfect. I'll make the arrangements. You just go get yourself ready in that wedding gown, sweetheart.

CHRISTIAN: Uhm, mommy? Shut up. You're embarrassing me.

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: My dear boy, don't be embarrassed. I think you and her could become something. She's so extraordinary compared to all the other strumpets you've fooled around with. I just look at her and think perfection.

ANA: Fart.

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: EXCELLENCE! Well, I'll be heading out now.

AUDIENCE: Just a heads up, she didn't really say "fart", we just put it there because she might as well have.

FAN AUDIENCE: How are you able to do that?

AUDIENCE: Sarcasm is a superpower, numbskull. Have you lived under a rock among brainless babies on North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal or something?

FAN AUDIENCE: What?

AUDIENCE: What?

AUTHOR OF THIS PARODY: *obviously out of sarcasm fuel*

The duo, not couple, comedy DUO, goes upstairs to have some penis-to-vag, err, heart-to-heart. They can't even have brain-to-brain… or foot-to-foot for that matter.

ANA: *suddenly jealous* How many women have stayed in here?

CHRISTIAN: *quick* 15.

ANA: That's a lot of women…

AUDIENCE: Nah, sweet-ums, you're barely scratching the surface. He has had more women than there are Undertale AUs.

FAN AUDIENCE: And how do you know that?

AUDIENCE: How do you not know that?

ANA: I still don't want out. You're shaking with anticipation of beating me senseless in ways thinly veiled as pleasurable, not promising any tenderness and romance whatsoever despite you having said that's what I want, and not claiming you'll stop being a control freak in every little aspect of my life. But I still don't want out. I'm now going to contradict what I just said by being catty about agreeing to it.

CHRISTIAN: Well, your call. I promise, it will be very pleasurable and satisfying to be doing hardcore kink even when it's a new thing to you and may not be your thing after all. Just ignore the bleeding out of your pink sock and excessive pain that will come with it, it's all in the name of mind-numbing pleasure.

ANA: Well, if I do get sexual pleasure out of it, I guess I could think about it.

CHRISTIAN: You getting pleasure? What in- oh! Yeah…! Right…

ANA: Also, why don't we sleep like a normal couple? Why do we have to sleep in separate rooms?

AUDIENCE: Haven't you been listening to what he said at all? Aside from "You. Me. Bandicooting"?

CHRISTIAN: Because like I've already demonstrated to true BDSM practicioners' frustrations, people into this kind of stuff are cold-hearted dicks not giving squat about their partner's feelings, so naturally, they must be portrayed as such and hate warm, tender intimacy.

AUDIENCE INTO BDSM: Screw this film. Screw it with a ten-foot pole coated in sulfuric acid.

AUDIENCE: … *slow clap*

ANA: You know what? Screw this. Screw you. I'm leaving. I'm my own woman, dammit. I don't want a creep like you to be controlling me, thank you very much. I'm going home. Don't touch me.

Ana leaves determined. Everyone in the theatre quietly gawk in awe at the scene unfolded.

AUDIENCE: Holy crap, what's happening?! She's turning awesome!... did she get drunk again?

…only to have this moment of awesome be crushed into tiny bits when she's letting Christian drive her home.

ANA: Yeah, I know, but drive me home, then I'll be my own woman.

AUDIENCE: It's going to go on like this, ain't it?

Then he doesn't drive her straight home, but to a secluded area in a forest where no one can hear them for miles, and will provoke the makers of films like the Pumpkinhead into filing complaints of plagiarism. Because this kind of plot could very well set off when you have a character like Christian Grey. Anyhow, Ana is being stupid as she agrees to walk with him in the woods, furthering setting in stone that her subconscious will make her do as he says no matter what… as she dances in that bright red hula skirt and stomps her foot and makes a triple-axel jump or whatever.

ANA: So what made you realize that hurting women is sexually gratifying to you?

CHRISTIAN: I was sexually abused by a family friend when I was 15.

ANA: That's terrible!

CHRISTIAN: No, it was awesome. 'Doesn't matter, had sex', y'know? You're the pity pig here, as you were still a loser virgin prior to me fixing your shameful treatment of your body by not sticking stuff up your every orifice. Freak.

They walk near a bridge out to the open waters.

CHRISTIAN: Nobody knows. Not my mommy, not my brother, not anyone. And this is not a problem I should have called the police for since she f*cked me up, cuz…doesn't matter, had sex. It was intimidating for me at first, too, but I eventually came to consent to her sexual abuse of a minor. Hear that, pedophiles? Sexually abuse a child enough, and they will eventually like it!

AUDIENCE: In the name of everything sacred, E.L. James, do you plan to brainwash the whole planet into bowing down to you, too? 'Cause I can already see the pedos starting to kneel down.

ANA: So, what? You're saying just because you liked it eventually, I'm going to, too?

CHRISTIAN: Exactly. There's no such thing as asexuality, discomfort/fear of sex, lack of a sex drive, a job, work, vacation, your family, spirituality, love, whatever. I don't know how those damn things are even concepts, mind you. I didn't have to give a shit about anything anymore. I didn't need to take responsibility for anything, I can just be whatever douchebag I feel like, 'cause I can disguise it as being a 'dominate'. When I felt that climax of my first time, I felt free and wonderful. It's my world. It's everything. It's my life. And if you let me, it can be yours, too.

ANA: *sceptic*

CHRISTIAN: You're the only girl I want this with. You're the only one I rode with in that helicopter, and had sex with in my own bed. You're specially speshuul, gurl.

ANA: *beams*

CHRISTIAN: *Phew-I-hope-I-didn't-forget-to-throw-out-Caitlyn's-panties-out-of-the-backseat-of-that-helicopter-grimace*

AUDIENCE: Oh. He pulls the "you're-the-only-one"-manipulation card. Nice touch.

CHRISTIAN: I've never slept next to anyone. Ever.

AUDIENCE: Except for your cousin Burt in 4th grade on a camping trip. Better watch out for her finding out you're lying, mac!

FAN AUDIENCE: Okay, will anyone shut this jackass up?

They share a soaring kiss, exchanging trust that shouldn't be there, lies, uncertainty, manipulative words… not saliva. Doggone it, not saliva. It would almost have been enough to compensate for the boredom of this scene. Then again, because it's FSoG, I would have complained, either way.

He then drives her home, but she seems to have a different attitude, but that's normal. That's what every person under Christian's manipulation would be. Not accepting, just… deluded. Insanely deluded.

CHRISTIAN: Contract. Read. Choice. Sex. *would have crossed out the next to last point initially but realized it would have scared her away from being his plaything so he didn't*

ANA: *nods* *grabs contract* *walks inside*

CHRISTIAN: *cartoony villain hand fidgeting* All according to plan.

ANA walks in having been given a new computer by Christian whom she talked to mere seconds ago. Oh, an he also gave her first-editions of some books she likes earlier in the film, but whatever. Didn't find that a crucial detail other than adding to the "I-shower-you-with-gifts-so-you-must-do-as-I-say" manipulation scale.

AUDIENCE: What's the difference between Christian Grey and Ted Bundy? Bundy at least tried to be charming when luring his victims.

FAN AUDIENCE: … *snorts a laugh*

AUDIENCE: What was that?

FAN AUDIENCE: I'm… just… I'm having a cold.

AUDIENCE: Uh-huh.

Kate is there being useless for a while and then Ana begins using the laptop. Apparently, it doesn't need to have information of the owner when signing up, nor a battery it seems, as it's immediately on. Now they're having e-mail contact, but I'm just going to speed-forward this segment taking its course over a few days (which requires talent to pad out, if you ask me) because it's useless filler about kinkmania fake trivia.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar (ANA) has logged in.

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop (CHRISTIAN)has logged in.

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Use this computer for research on BDSM. Since your own computer is obviously incapable of that.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: ok!11 ^^ but waiiii… are u gunna keep orderinh me around liek dis? cuz if u r den fuk of :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: You first want to be dominated and now you don't? This is the reason I don't value bitches above a hole. Anyway, to answer your question for the millionth time this hour, yes, I want to dominate you, and you will love it. I've already covered this issue with sarcasm so let's just move on.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: yea well…your the boss. what shud I search derpityderpderp? :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Well, wth do you think?

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: PUPPIES! :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Yeah… had we been searching on the deep web for crush porn. Just search 'submissive', Gena Leung.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: okidokiee!

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Well?

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: HOLY CRAPPY CRAP UP MY CRAPPER U WANT 2 DO DIS SHIET 2 ME LIEK WTF WTH IS WRONG WITH U U WAN 2 TY ME UP WITH LIL LETHERSTRAPPIES

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Of course I don't, mooncalf. I don't want to use any damn leather. Fish leather can't hold for poop. I need real stuff like rope to tie you down.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: I DUNNO. I DUNNO ANYMORE

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Hey, relax, guy!

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: I AM PERFETCLY CALM. I JUST FORGET TO SHUT OF DUH CAPSLock is all. There. No butt serius thats som messed shit ur in 2 and I dun wanna be parg ovit. I just lost my virgin & I think I need 2 get used 2 mission before trying dog cat monkey coleacanth style or whatev its bn nice nwing you tho, hop u can find someone consentign. Kisses 33333 XOXOXOXOX CU

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: …

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop has logged off.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: wut

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: helo

Ana just got home from running when a looming, frightening, terrifying silhouette of a serial killer emerges from the darkest deepest corners of the shadows' domain, and- oh, wait. It's Christian.

AUDIENCE: What's with that surprised pause?

Expectly, this scares Ana's tits off, except not, otherwise Christian would have lost interest in her the instant she had had.

ANA: Holy crap on a crapper!

CHRISTIAN: YOU SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED MY AUTHORITAH. *proceeds to rape her*

I wish it was a typo. I wish upon Geppetto's star it was a typo. But it isn't.

AUDIENCE: Like, shit! We knew he was a creeper as we accused him of being a rapist, but we didn't think he would actually be one! …Our intuition was actually correct?

FAN AUDIENCE: Thanks a lot for jinxing it! Okay, you were right, we're admitting it. Happy now? Feeling better with your inflated ego further stroked?

AUDIENCE: Depends… do you know the Ashiatsu Massage Technique?

Some wacky looney adventures ensue involving ice-cubes, spanking, and raping of Ana in thin guise as kink. Hey, everytime he roughly thrusts into her as she gasps in pain, let's take one shot! That way we can survive this.

AUDIENCE: Two. Two shots.

And let's put in "Haunted" by Beyoncé as some mood music for the hot steamy scene of… taking these shots. What other steamy scene would there possibly be? No, seriously. Enlighten me.

AUDIENCE: Wait… this is way too fitting. Did you plan this, Sammy?

SAM TAYLOR-JOHNSON: Rape fantasy, bitch… HHHHHGGGGGNNNNN *climaxes*

AUDIENCE: …I'll take that as an "obviously I did, you idiot".

We cut to them laying in bed at night having some pillowtalk.

ANA: That was amazing.

ANA'S BRAIN: You know, you could say it wasn't rape anymore when you consented, but it was still rape because you initially didn't.

ANA'S VAGINA: Okay, this? Has got to, like, stop.

ANA'S BRAIN: I have to stop? Cutiepie. Hadn't it been for me, we would have been dead right now. I'm the only common sense she has provided to stay catty to his bossiness. Considering I'm in the minority, that says a lot about her intelligence.

ANA'S VAGINA: Well, then, why don't you stay in the minority and let us handle this, scrote?

ANA'S BRAIN: BRAIN LIVES MATTER

Ana wants to touch Christian, but…

CHRISTIAN'S BODY: Eyy, f*ck off, bitch, you be treadin' on private territory.

AUDIENCE: Ain't that hypocrisy more delicious than grandma's blueberry pie.

CHRISTIAN: So, anyway, are you gonna sign that contract? Not that it matters anyway, I would just rape you until you finally agreed to it. Boy, aren't negotiations always the best and most fair solutions? I win something out of it both ways, too.

ANA: Yeah, no. I dunno yet. You just raped me but I might still want in.

ANA'S BRAIN: *slowly getting dissipated from the power of dumbassness* NOOOOOOOO!

Christian walks up with a disappointed look and proceeds to put his clothes on.

ANA: Wait, you're more butthurt than I am?

CHRISTIAN: No, not really. I just have to go home and make a new list of ways to rape you in manners that would help persuade you. I was thinking of something with the word "cleveland steamer" in it next.

Ana reads the contract for a few days and decides that in order to avoid another rape, she could at least pretend interest by ordering som insanely dumb formal meeting between the two of them about the contract, which she isn't going to sign anyway, and only exist to pad out this movie more, because more the merrier, it makes green in pocket. Let's water it with dirty talk and sexual lube fluids.

ANA: Conditions: strike this out, strike that out, strike blah out…

CHRISTIAN: *sob* Okay. *grabs ice-cream* I don't know why I'm not giving up on you and just hire a prostitute. That's what Donald Trump is doing.

AUDIENCE: Because you're not just rich, both of your literal heads are also thick. I guess your income doesn't match your IQ.

ANA: What are butt plugs?

CHRISTIAN: *begins a "shit-are-you-serious" look but gets interrupted by his sla- err…aw, heck, why hide it, his slaves*

His goons come in to leave food and...yeah, that's it. Then they leave.

ANA: Okay, what was the point of adding that to the film?

CHRISTIAN: To further rub it in your face how rich I am and how luxurious I live and will make you agree to this contract and I'm not giving you all the details of what all the tools will be used for because miscommunication is also standard for BDSM.

AUDIENCE INTO BDSM: *claps in strained joy, pukes blood*

CHRISTIAN: You know, I'm pretty impressed with your devotion to this contract, I didn't expect that since no other subject was.

AUDIENCE: Because they were smart?

CHRISTIAN: Tell you what, once a week, we'll go on a date. As a couple. But all the other days of the week you'll bend to my will and I will f*ck you in every way I choose, and if you refuse, I'll abu- err, punish you.

AUDIENCE: You're still trying to hide it?

ANA: OMG, you care about me?! That's so romantic!

CHRISTIAN: Sure, whatever. We can watch a movie… have you ever seen Backdoor Sluts 9? Fritz the Cat? No wait, I know… Pinocchio! That donkey transformation scene is my favorite porno.

ANA: I believe I haven't. Enlighten me, then?

CHRISTIAN: App, app, app, only on that one day of the week, skank.

They finish up this "business meeting" and they talk the dirty that would water dollar greens and money trees.

CHRISTIAN: (actual line) I would like to f*ck you into the middle of next week.

ANA: *smiles, flattered*

AUDIENCE: Would screaming in agony at her messed up reaction to that statement be overreacting?

FAN AUDIENCE: We don't know anymore.

ANA: Anywayz, I want to leave to review these changes and then I'll decide. Could you hold in your kinky sex-pee just a widdle while longer?

CHRISTIAN: *growling impatiently* Would f*cking you on this table help you decide faster? Because, as you remember, I can just rape you until you consent.

ANA: Mew?

CHRISTIAN: You want me to make love to you. I can see it; you're pressing your thighs together, your breathing's turning uneven, your complexion… you're flushed.

ANA: Did you just describe trying to hold in a fart?

CHRISTIAN: If you did stay, I would *dirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalk*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Well? Are you getting excited? Cuz I sure am, ohohohoh! You naughty boy, Christian, you!

FAN AUDIENCE: I can't get it up/wet to save my life.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Need help? Lower-lip-bite?

FAN AUDIENCE: No don't you get it? YOU SUCK! Watching my grandmother naked would make me climax faster!

AUDIENCE: OH, SNAP!

E.L. JAMES: You just don't get it.

FAN AUDIENCE: Says someone whose toxic vagina hasn't gotten action in probably 20 years and needed to write something as dry and simple as this to get horny.

AUDIENCE: OOOOHHH OHHHHHHH 360 NO SCOPING LIKE F*CK

Ahem, anyway, back to the story. Ana decides to leave, for some reason not given, I guess, immediately. Anyway, Ana's being a little of a tease, which I don't think will help him hold further back from taking her over and over against her will like a daffodil being forced to open its petals before spring has properly matured. I'm sorry, I'm trying to sound funny. I know it's not working.

ANA: This will have to wait, I'm gonna go graduate.

CHRISTIAN: Again? Because you failed the first one?

ANA: No, this is the first one.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, that wasn't over yet? …f*ck a duck.

They graduate and Christian has a speech at the graduation in order to be an attention whore. Ana meets her dad afterwards.

ANA'S DAD: I'm so proud of you. My little girl graduated with honors and will begin a successful career. I'm so moved.

AUDIENCE: Okay, now this is just sad.

CHRISTIAN: Woah, she's talking to her dad she hasn't seen for a long while? Time to butt in and be a possessive creep!

ANA'S DAD: Oh, hello. So you're Ana's boyfriend? Pleasure to meet you. I enjoyed your speech greatly. How long have you two known each other?

CHRISTIAN: Excuse me, sir, I couldn't hear you over the prospective scream of pain I'll envoke from her when we have damaging sex tonight. Also, over the cameraman wanting a shot. Pardon.

Christian pulls Ana close for the shot despite her discomfort.

AUDIENCE: Any sane father would cut his testicles off at this point. So he's either insane or a step-father how would personally do the same.

They later have champagne.

CHRISTIAN: To celebrate the fact that nothing stops you from signing that damn contract already. Oh, and your graduation.

ANA: *looks down*

CHRISTIAN: Bitch, did you just roll your eyes at me? Oh my God, you insolent little snitch. I'm going to spank yer arse if ye do that again, lassie.

AUDIENCE: Why don't you just admit there's no need for a contract already?

CHRISTIAN: By the way, I've got you a gift.

AUDIENCE: Is it her freedom?

CHRISTIAN: Not even close, it's a brand new car.

ANA: Holy shnapcaronis, a new car? A new car. A new car! I can't take it, it's too much. I have my own.

CHRISTIAN: No, you see, you have to take it, because I sold the one you already had.

ANA: F*ck, are you serious now?! What the hell is wrong with you?! It was my damn car!

AUDIENCE: Is it finally dawning on her now?

CHRISTIAN: Wait, bitch, did you just roll my eyes at me again? Did you just have the insolence of being rightfully angry at me for selling something that wasn't mine but I think I can sell anyway because I think money gives me authority? That's enough. You're getting a spanking, you naughty girl.

AUDIENCE: FOR DOING WHAT?!

Christian proceeds to spank her with the agressivity of a newborn puppy.

AUDIENCE: Oh. Well, that alleviates things somewhat.

FAN AUDIENCE: How dare she not accept a gift when he sold her stuff without telling her first. How dare she. Why doesn't he the next time just kill her mom and then put her on the Judas Cradle for daring to cry over her death?

AUDIENCE: …wait, are you agreeing with us?

FAN AUDIENCE: …no?

Christian leaves after getting his nightly get-off and Ana gets a call from her mother.

ANA'S MOM: Hi, honey. My mother senses are tingling that something is completely and utterly wrong with you at this time. Wanna talk?

AUDIENCE: What, have your mother instincts been on vacation during this whole movie?

ANA: *silently cries* Mama…

ANA'S MOM: What's wrong? Honey, what is bothering you?

ANA: *sob* I dunno if he's making me happy. He's so weird, I'm… so confused.

ANA'S MOM: You know, come down whenever you want to talk. I'm here. Well, I always have been. I don't know what took you so long to realize you need sense beaten into you.

ANA: That's… I might do that.

Then she goes and makes out with the same prick they just talked about.

AUDIENCE: No comment.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Time for more baking baby-batter, baby!

FAN AUDIENCE: *Feelings of emptiness*

E.L. JAMES: Ohhhh yeahhh…

FAN AUDIENCE: *Feelings of the suicidal kind and emptiness*

After the movie's hourly sex, they head to have dinner with his family. You know? The one they promised earlier in the film…? Yeah, I didn't remember either, I had to look back at what I had written.

Believe it or not, they actually have a decent talk. His family is nice, like his mother, and brother… too bad the reason she's there is a posessive rap- you know what? We should invent a new word for this guy. How does Christianity sound?

AUDIENCE: That one's taken, dumbass. Just go with Christian.

FAN AUDIENCE: Isn't that one taken too?

AUDIENCE: Oh, come on!

ANA: Yeah, my mother lives in Georgia. I'm going to visit her tomorrow.

CHRISTIAN: You're trying to be your own woman? How dare you! When were you gonna tell me this?

ANA: Woah, chill the hell out. I'm just going to visit her. It's not like I'm out of our bargain and planning to move as far away from you as possible, even though that's what my brain has been nagging me about doing.

CHRISTIAN: You're implying there's a difference between those notions.

They leave to walk in the garden, with Christian carrying her on his shoulder and spanking her on the way.

ANA: Why are you angry? This is my choice! You have no right to control everything I do!

CHRISTIAN: Stop spewing bullshit or you're in for a spanking.

ANA: You're already spanking me!

CHRISTIAN: In for a beating, then. You're mine, all mine, when are you going to realize that? You're only mine.

AUDIENCE: What, are you worried she's going to have incest-sex with her mom, or something?

They kiss "passionately" for a few moments until Ana breaks away.

ANA: Christian, you are so confusing.

FAN AUDIENCE: I swear, they were going to say "controlling" but changed it at the last second.

ANA: Why can't we sleep in the same bed? Why can't you let me touch you? Why do you care so much about that damn contract? Why can't you like me the way I am? Why must you hurt me to get off? Why must you be such a cold-hearted prick?

AUDIENCE: Did she ask all the questions?

FAN AUDIENCE: *looks at list* Check, check, check… nope. She still hasn't asked herself why she's with him. She also hasn't asked herself why she felt attracted to him in the first place, but her realizing that is overestimating her intelligence.

He, unsurprisingly, doesn't answer a single question. Except he does, when she's asleep later on, but unbeknownst for him, it doesn't really count. Not in my book, anyway. And not in every other person's book on this planet. Except maybe Stephenie Meyer's.

Ana is giving a feminist boost and goes to meet her mother in Georgia despite his protests, because she hasn't descended deep enough into the madness that she'll stop loving her family… kind of what Christian has. I hope we can still help her.

FEMINISM: I'm the most all-mighty power in the universe and you all should bow down to me! I'm Wonderwoman, I'm Starfire, I'm-!

ANA'S CLIT: Oh, shut the hell up.

Ana has dinner/lunch with her Step-father and mother.

STEP-DAD: You wanna know this recipe? It's easy. Just take som movie-padding and pour it with salsa.

ANA: Thanks! I'll make sure to keep that in mind for the next two films! Sammy must start getting creative on that part if they are to be released.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Can it! I'm doing my best.

AUDIENCE: To be honest, I'm not really blaming Sammy here.

Ana later lays in bed.

ANA: I got here to get away from Christian, so now I'm gonna text him saying I wished he were here with me.

The next day, he arrives to meet her.

CHRISTIAN: Meddle?

ANA: Holy crap, what the crap are you doing here?!

AUDIENCE: Sanity is underrated, am I right?

CHRISTIAN: You sent me a text saying you wished I was here, so now I'm here. Duh. Do you want two other wishes granted?

ANA: Well, yeah. If you could leave me alone for five damn seconds, I would be happy.

CHRISTIAN: Forgot to tell you. I'm the kinky-genie, so I will only grant wishes involving me doing anal on you. Just clarifying your options.

ANA'S MOM: I love this guy!

FAN AUDIENCE: You mean comedy-wise, or…?

ANA'S MOM LEAVES, HAVING TO REFUEL THE TANK OF HER MOTHER INSTINCT RADAR. Christian sits down and rips her glass from her hand.

CHRISTIAN: Stop drinking that, child, and flirt with me. Flirt with daddy.

ANA: Flirt flirt.

CHRISTIAN: Let's randomly go plane-flying. I can do that too, y'know.

ANA: Okay. Bye mom!... she didn't hear me. Oh well! Let's leave without noting her!

PLANE-FLYING MONTAGE: *being stupid… wait, didn't we already do a scene like this?*

CHRISTIAN: *looks like an idiot*

ANA: *looks like she's fighting against swallowing a fish*

After the ride we're back in Seattle to continue this conflict-which-could-be-solved-with-a-dialogue-of-good-communication-or-a-police-call-or-having-the-luck-of-not-being-Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey-drama.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: I think people with somehow chaste needs will be satisfied over this. Not that somebody not having them would know. Back to THE SMEX!

FAN AUDIENCE: The "plot" will be back after these supposed steamy messages.

AUDIENCE: Should we remove the "fan"-part of your name?

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: YES. THANK YOU.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: NOT REALLY REMOVING IT, BUT WHATEV.

After the useless sex, we cut to Edw- err, Christian playing the piano with melancholy, Ana coming down listening to it.

ANA: The script of this film has really made me impatient. Can you tell me what the hell is wrong with you already?

CHRISTIAN: Shut the f*ck up.

ANA: Why do you wanna hurt me?

CHRISTIAN: Shut the f*ck up.

ANA: Why do you get off to it?

CHRISTIAN: BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I AM! SHUT THE F*CK UP!

AUDIENCE: Translation: Because I'm a sick f*ck still somehow roaming free and in desperate need of acceptance into the mental ward sharing the cell with Dexter.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: And having the riches to back up every megalomaniac plan one can think of.

AUDIENCE: "And I own the police."

BIFF TANNEN: I'm proud of you, son.

DONALD TRUMP: Hey, that's my line, asshole!

ADOLF HITLER: Keep talking, bitches.

CHRISTIAN: (actual line) I'm fifty shades of f*cked up.

ANA: (drops IQ below -10) Because the stupidity of that line has dumbed me further than thought possible, why don't you show me just exactly how f*cked up you are?

CHRISTIAN: Okay. I'm gonna whip you six times.

EDWARD GREY: This pantywaist ain't got shit on me.

So Christian does, having her stripped naked to be whipped.

CHRISTIAN: *whips* HAHAHAHAH, WHO'S PUSSYWHIPPED NOW?! *whips* HAHA TAKE THIS LOL! *whips* TAKE THIS! IT'S NO USE! *whips* CHRISTIAN USED TAIL WHIP, IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE *whips* PERSONALLY, I PREFER YOUR ASS IN THE AIR! *whips*

ANA: *silently weeps in pain*

ANA steps away from Christian, covering her naked self in self-defense and a look of disgust in his direction. About time.

ANA: How dare you whip me! Even if I asked you to! Don't ever go near me again!

AUDIENCE: Oh, jeez. That shit again.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Bet it's not gonna hold.

She's later STILL in his house, sleeping, or rather weeping, in her room. He walks inside.

ANA: I love you, asshole. Leave now before I kill you, my love.

AUDIENCE: Wait, what?!

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: This film tries to subvert our expectations so hard it doesn't now which path to choose anymore! We have caused a rift in the space-time continuum! We have caused a paradox! The apocalypse! What are we to do?!

AUDIENCE: Take cover beneath the bunker which is our brain's nerve system.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Good idea!

ANA LEAVES CHRISTIAN AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER SEPARATED.

THE END.

AUDIENCE: I wish it was.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Holy crap! She was her own independent woman in the end! I've garnered the tiniest bit of respect for her now it's enough to create a molecule. Awesome twist E.L.!

E.L. JAMES: …

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: ERRR… THAT'S…

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Wait, wait, wait, don't say anything! She's gonna come back and do some awesome Kill Bill shit, am I right?

AUDIENCE: Isn't ignorance just bliss?

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Wait, what are you talking about? Why are you all so silent? *looks at movie poster for Fifty Shades Darker* MOTHERF*CK- *head explosion*

E.L. JAMES: *takes notes* Cause of spontaneous combustion; a movie overly sexually stimulating.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: We can do better than this, can't we E.L.?

E.L. JAMES: You bet yer arse!

AUDIENCE: NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE *jumps off fanfiction cliff*