#Absolutely something I admire so deeply - something I've wanted to do in some way another for years!!

[sysig]

2024 Purge (Part 3)

A whole Three-Parter for 2024! Damned very completely took over my brain and I made so many many doodles about it haha <3 Also ft. Helix and SCII generally, and a few other cursory Damned-style things :)

Little mini ZEX walk cycle from his Kissing Strangers meme ♥ He’s so cute, wobbling around on these weird new legs, not used to using these stiff arms to assist him back up!

Floorplans!! Of the Vyer Estate, I unfortunately don't know the layout/room configuration of estates or mansions very well haha, so I kinda just guessed at what kind of structure the house would have - I could've looked up blueprints, but the foyer is such a strong image in my head that every other room kind of fell off around it lol - though I still oscillate between seeing the stairs in the frontmost room or to the sides, hmm

Many many speculations, including the outer spaces, yard out front and in back, what all is within their fencing, if its built on a slab or foundation, if there's a crawlspace or cellar or full basement, ahh, so many possibilities! You can see in the left full-view I mistakenly put Dex's room on the first floor lol, both his and Max's room are explicitly described as being upstairs, on a separate floor from the kitchen. Very important! But where is the master bedroom...? The two on the right are kind-of both of the same thing; the platform at the top of the foyer double stairs, and the room beneath it that leads outside to the back garden - I moved the dining room around here and there, it would be nice to open up the back doors and have a dinner party able to go in and out I think :)

Going a bit more granular, made some temps for Max's room specifically - he hangs out there a lot, it's important! Even pulled out my grid paper for this one haha, fun to have an actual floorplan kind of look with tile-spaced everything! Very Sims, quite fun. I do like the idea of him having a window seat, but he's also described as standing in front of his windows so that probably wouldn't be the Only type he'd have hmm

On the topic of the Sims, I ended up making the three mockups in the Sims 2 as well! I do like this one - I was especially surprised that Max was even able to get to the bed! I thought the dresser would be in the way but no, it’s all walkable :D Very pleased. Not fully satisfied with the placement of his en suite tho, would it encroach into his room itself, or be tucked into a wall...? I kind of like that idea of that :0

The double bay windows is maybe a bit much, but I mean. Idle rich lol. At one point he’s looking out the window and then backs Dex up against a wall, but Which wall hmmm, must align room layout with seduction attempts, very important

Switching entirely over, you might remember the card I posted of Stanley, and the small mention of having made a matching card for the Narrator... I may have made significantly more than just that lol, I can't help it!! The Damned structure is wonderfully made, it invites creative speculation and idea generation at a nearly alarming rate! I commend the game builders for their craft. So I made a bunch of the faces I'd want to see at the institute lol, I love duos the most-most, so picking a pair from several of my favourite pieces of media was just ahh! Yes!

Apaultheosis and Emma seemed like a particularly fun match :D Would that make Paul his "real" counterpart...? I mean, it says Matthew right there lol, but would he just act like Paul? Would be doubly weird if Paul-proper showed up while the Apotheosis was out swanning around haha, Apaultheosis really seems like the right level of "belongs in an institute" to have a lot of fun with :) And if it's my immune-Emma AU in particular, Emma's already used to having to be around a bunch of weirdos haha

The LAC boys!!! ♥ Making everyone's little background was a lot of fun too - yellow for the TSPs, blue splotches for the Hatchetfield duo, little devil trappings for these two :D Such fun! It was also very fun to write up everyone's little personalities in simple phrasing, really break them all down to their core characterizations haha. Helps with not pushing them too far one way or another too! Would they do any given thing because [trait]? S'fun!

Weird Duo, the Watchers pulled from And the Universe Shifts - the explorations of villains having to put up being on the same side as/having to get along with heroes really makes for an interesting examination of how they'd go about doing that! These two are still absolutely insufferable, but they're also trying to escape! It's interesting :0 Also casual headcanon of how the institute would deal with enby/trans characters, possibly something I've had a lot of thoughts about lol

Last fanduo from the first batch - all of these were made over the course of like, two days, if that lol, I was very excited about this idea - I genuinely love how anime/JRPG characters are usually given fake names also in Japanese, it's very fun :D I only did so halfway for Nova's since she's only ever had the one kind of anglicized personal name, no family name - could she also be a kid from Jersey? Such mysteries haha. She also probably wouldn't have her hair clips during the day unfortunately :P But I couldn't resist drawing them, she's not her without them! The Watchers get their masks, give my girl her barrettes!

Back to Helix, more short-haired Max! I do like this one but I also thought the pose was silly so I held off on it haha, he looks cute with short hair! <biased towards Max generally

Another one that was too silly to put anywhere haha, ZEX being attacked by an invisible Kayako - Teisel is very confused at your inexplicable reactions, Admiral!

Normally I wouldn't post my studies, partially because they're mostly for my own benefit, to better understand how to draw a character, and also because I am usually very ❤️💕💖💞💗 in my commentary lol, as evidenced. I was excited to see him!! Especially in the institute uniform!!! <3 I'd doodled him a couple times as such but Seeing it, ahh <3 <3 So cute, wonderful ♪♫

Max! Another half-study, frog mouthed boy <3 Goofy floofy lad, love him <3

And another! This time of him being teary-mad, gosh he's adorable no matter what he's up to

Hehe <3 A particularly silly one in reaction to Dexter having arm-pinned him on the floor - how different certain things look in hindsight, through the lense of a crush, hm?

Talanaaaa ♪ In actuality she removed her shirt, but how cute would it have been to tie it up at her side instead ahhh

Lovestruck Zelnick, totally listening, mmhm <3

The silliness continues! Was thinking about the little pink bits at the end of VUX tendrils and how I've sometimes seen them speculated as also being little tongues? I'm still not sure what I think about it! It is good and potentially creepy I think, but would they taste? Would they be as dexterous? Hmmm, thoughts thoughts

A dandelion for the sunshine Captain <3

There he is! The sunniest boy of them all! Sweetest sweet lad ♥ Love him :)

Speculating ZEX plushie stuff still - going over the construction of his uniform, possibly as part of his body, possibly as something to dress him in so he can be fitted into other clothes as well :0 I'm still considering the tail slot, but probably only for uniform-as-body - otherwise, laying his tunic overtop his tail would probably be the easiest all the way around. I do like VUX with short tails too tho, hmm, how to make it visible... On the right are a few more detail ideas :D Different eye styles, what would be embroidered vs. sewn together etc. - I considered felt medals and badges, but I really think embroidery would have the prettiest result! Even my notes say so haha, that and where to put weighted pellets in place of fluffy stuffing :)

Speaking of plush 👀 Ahem

An alternate Strawberry Blond panel, ZEX pulling him up fully to look at him hhh I love him <3

And also touching him a bit, what is this feeling DAX is feeling! ZEX has some ideas :3c Though when doesn't he lol

More DAX expressions! Angy and owie, they do tend to go hand-in-hand, poor lad got well-knocked around and he still ended up the least injured of the three!

Rando icons, I can't help myself ♪ This uniform has its hooks in me, is it the ominous smiley face's bright yellow on boring grey, the contrast, the sameness?? I just like it! Was a fun small and simple thing to pull together :)

I actually started this set somewhat early on, speculating what DAX's MU scene might be, but never ended up with anything solid - since he wasn't there initially, it's hard to think of what would be a fitting torture for him, apart from what Was there i.e. having to watch what ZEX went through :( That does seem like it'd leave some pretty massive mental scars on him - always always always unable to save him in the moments where it really counts! :'0 But it doesn't do anything to his Body, and that's supposed to be the point of MU! I do still like many things here, DAX's offer of self-sacrifice being rejected and him being powerless to do anything else

And the way I used hashmarks to imply his eyes going fuzzy with them both open and the stress - looks like a pause symbol haha

Also a big fan of the little corner doodle being so cute and wholesome, the two of them excitedly circling each other, excited to see each other! I love-loved that so much in their meeting <3 <3

Then there was that one time DAX and DAX met, that was fun :) If only ZEX had shown up, then what would DAX do! Self-defense in a way hehe, that's one way of getting on the same side haha

The raw doodle that eventually became Get Out of the Way! For as sad a way as it was to go out - failing to be protected, the last of his allies, not even able to wield his own weapon effectively - it does still remind me of a silly quote. Those dogs were indeed very nasty!

A temp doodle of Dexter holding both Max's clothes and ZEX's uniform after his "discharge" (;;) from the institute, the only things he has left to hold onto 💔 So very little left of him :(

I at one point asked smol who she’d put in the institute for funsies and she picked Maison Talo, and so I tossed Apaultheosis at him - they do both consider humans as prey! Just, a bit differently lol. Would the Apotheosis even be able to convert a Realtor by their lure? Where does the goo need to be to start to take effect, many questions

Stanley Icons <3 It's only fitting that my first choice for a card gets his own set of reactions! Icons like these are actually really fun to make - pulling around from my doodles, slapping a bit of colour overtop, edits to screenshots (Stanley's "Dead" reaction is probably my favourite of those, I'm sure y'all can guess which ending I pulled from lol) - and it all has me tempted to make a few more...

Back to Just-SCII! More Baby VUX!! 💖 They're so cute!!! Just little guys, adorable <3 Casual clothing and PJs and having to tie one's sash back on haha, all those complicated loops and knots :)

Also some muscle/arm shape speculations of how VUX armtips might change based on what they're doing, the roundedness of recoiling is very funny to me haha

Obviously had to make these two's versions in TS2 as well, the most fun <3 “What brings you in today, Mr. Vargas?” “That’s doctor.” “Oh, sure, right.”

More of the Doctor meme! Poor DAX haha, certainly sick with Something ♪

I think the lyric is “three times a day”? But what three times a day, that's the real question lol. ZEX has his own suggestions hmm :) I do like their hug in the first one hehe, so cute <3

Totally all better! Definitely nothing would make his symptoms flare up again!

Poor DAX <3

Digitized Dr. Doran! He really is so tiny haha, it was fun using Wander's colour scheme, mostly filled out already! The institute's dress code for staff is a mystery; presumably some of the therapists wear medical/professional clothes, but then there's Stein who still has the screw in his head - surely they'd allow jeans, right? Or is that where they draw the line lol. Look it's fine, he's meant to be the Approachable Therapist, he gets special allowances, totallyyy

All two Locked In doodles that didn't make the cut but also have nowhere else to go lol - there’s a few dozen concept sketches that haven’t been written into complete scenes yet that I'd love to post as their own sets! At some point!! Poor Oz is so put out, and Leah's big goofy grin, very silly hehe - that one's just meant to show off her outfit! It's winter, no bare legs here!

As a bonus to make up for those being the only two doodles, here’s Ozzy and Thrax in TS2 failing to get along lol. Oz! You're not good enough friends for that yet! Will they get there someday? :3c

VUX snuggles <3 Love the them so very much ♥

This is one I really want to digitize to get them a little more cosplay-accurate, but I'd been going back through some nostalgic AMVs and had the sudden realization that KuroFai, being one of my fairly early/influential ships on my heart, and now they...

Fai even loses an eye, I jfdlskafdlhfdf

Finishing out with my last set of cards, I had to make the two leads from SAOA, truly a masterwork in abridging <3 They're just such fun characters! And it's not like they're not already used to being trapped somewhere that constantly risks their lives :'0 I love them, I swear! Good things for them!

[queer-reader-07]

a love letter to trans romance

because i can't be normal about media and i'm making it y'all's problems

hi hello and welcome to my mildly unhinged ramblings about love and gender. this post comes to you in three sections, enjoy <3

--

t4t romance novels made me believe in love again

the first romance book i ever read was The Feeling of Falling in Love by Mason Deaver. TFOFIL is a t4t (trans for trans) romance that follows a teenage trans boy, Neil Kearney, and a figuring-out-their-gender teen, Wyatt Fowler, as they get themselves wrapped up in peak YA romcom shenaniganary and eventually fall in love. cute, right? just a fun little romcom, not much more to it?

yeah well that's what i thought going in, but coming out of that book i was in tears. tears because i'd never read a story about trans love before. tears because at that point in my life i'd never allowed myself to fully claim the word "trans." tears because Wyatt made me feel so seen and so real.

there's this one scene where Wyatt is talking to Neil and they describe themself as being the kind of person who sometimes wants to wear makeup and dresses, but other times they like their body hair and scruffy beard. and i just remember nodding along and then absolutely melting because Neil takes it in stride, he comforts Wyatt and let's them know that they don't need to have it figured out just yet. Neil makes it clear that he's there, and that Wyatt doesn't need to come out to anyone unless they're ready.

Mason Deaver has another t4t romance, Okay, Cupid. and that similarly had me in my feels because there is something so special about finding people who embrace you for all that you are.

every t4t romance I've read has one thing in common, the fact that the love interests do not love each despite the other's transness. their transness is not an obstacle to love or to attraction or to adoration, it is an object of it. their transness is something to be admired and to be loved and to be cared for. it is not something the other has to "get over."

reading The Feeling of Falling in Love was the first time i ever thought to myself "maybe, just maybe, i can call myself trans and still be loved." because up until that point i hadn't let myself accept that i was some flavor of trans. up until that point i'd said "not cis" without ever saying trans because i was so scared my being trans would make me unlovable. t4t romance books showed me how wrong i was. they showed me that my ability to be loved was not dependent on my girlhood.

ha you thought i could write something this long on tumblr and NOT mention good omens? think again bestie

i have held a trans reading of crowley since i read the book and the show only solidified it for me. crowley canonically plays with gender.

he's dressed femme during the crucifixion scene, his modern look is a mix of men's and women's pieces, his hair is a Whole Thing in and of itself. i could go on but i digress.

but it's not just the way he plays with gender that informs my trans reading of him. it's also how his character arc can very easily be read as an allegory for transness.

an angel who falls (a girl who isn't a girl anymore)

a fallen angel turned demon (a girl who is a boy now)

a demon who isn't really a demon anymore (a used to be girl, a thought to be boy, is now nonbinary)

girl = angel and boy = demon is entirely arbitrary in this please don't read into it

now, you may be thinking "A how in god's name does this apply to trans romance?" to which i say, aziraphale falls in love with every version of crowley. aziraphale beams heart eyes at angel!crowley before the beginning and loves crowley as a demon for millennia and is so deeply and unabashedly in love with crowley in his not-quite-demon form of s2.

aziraphale loves all the versions of crowley because crowley's angel or demon-ness (gender) is not the reason aziraphale loves crowley. aziraphale doesn't love crowley because he's a demon or because he used to be an angel, aziraphale loves crowley because it's crowley. crowley in whatever clothes he chooses to where, crowley with whatever hairstyle he's fancying at the moment, crowley as he inhabits the shades of grey just a little more.

to me, that is so easy to read as a trans love story. you could argue it's t4t depending on how you read aziraphale, but to me, it's at the very least a love story between a mostly-demon who gets down to some gender fuckery and an angel who loves him very much.

fuck it let's talk about fanfiction

i don't think i could make this post without mentioning @ineffabildaddy's fic I'm Beginning to See the Light.

i have a complicated relationship with my body. i don't plan to ever medically transition because i don't want to make any permanent changes to my body. but there are days where all i want is to have a flat chest and hips that are flush with the rest of my body but instead i'm stuck with tits and an hourglass figure cis people always seem to focus on.

i don't hate my body, but the idea that anyone could look at it and not just see A Woman is beyond me. i walk through life being perceived as a very feminine woman even on the days that i feel the most androgynous. the idea that a lover could look at my body and still see me for who i am feels like a dream that could never happen.

and IBTSTL slapped me (lovingly) across the face with the message that, actually, i can be loved as my whole self and that there are people out there who don't look at me and see A Woman and those people don't love me any less. IBTSTL made me feel safe in my trans body because it said "you are worthy of love and adoration because your transness is not something to get past it is something to admire. it is something to love."

--

i think the point i'm trying to make here is this: trans love stories are so special to me. they've been so vital in my own journey to love and accept myself. they're the reason i can imagine myself maybe having romantic love in the future.

representation matters, it can quite literally change your life.

[districtxii]

Coriolanus and Rationalizing Evil

This post is sort of reading/listening journal for my consumption of The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes in audiobook form. It focuses on my growing understanding of Coriolanus as a character and how it differs from my expectations going in. I'm not finished with the audiobook yet, but it contains potential spoilers up the 9 hour in mark.

So, I've been distracted by work and a few other fandoms for my attention, but I got back to the audiobook of TBOSAS today as someone who watched the movie first. (I read the original trilogy before the movies back in college, but being an adult, I'm far less patient for books. Furthermore, because of unstable living circumstances, I don't particularly want the extra weight of having books to bring, though a part of me misses having a lot of books. In that way, the audiobook has been a lifesaver.)

Anyway, from YouTube and tumblr comments, I was anticipating that the books would twist my stomach at how terrible and psychopathic Coriolanus would be. People kept saying in various clickbait articles that the movie adaptation "ruined" his character by not allowing the audience to see the internal, wicked machinations of Coriolanus from the narration.

To my surprise, that's not the case at all for me.

For reference, I've most recently paused at 9:21:24 in the audiobook. Coriolanus is dejected at the fact that Mr. Plinth didn't offer him money as a reward for saving Sejanus.

What I am noticing, rather than someone who was born broken and beyond help (as I find is the case with many 'psychopathic' people from true crime podcasts that I often listen to), I find that Coriolanus is someone who is deeply traumatized and trying to rationalize his way into the callousness of psychopathy/sociopathy/simple apathy, or whatever you want to call it.

(Another side-note to come back to: I was absolutely stunned and fascinated by the revelation that Dr. Gaul started out as a medical doctor in obstetrics. I wonder if the narrative will loop back around to that, because damn. I want to know if she started out as a sort of ~angel of death~ medical practitioner, as serial killers in the medical profession are often dubbed, or if something broke her about the war. I want to know!!! Btw broad strokes spoilers for things I haven't read yet don't bother me! But if no one tells me, I guess I'll find out if it comes up again.)

Tigris, of course, seems to see the best in people, but more than once she has commented on how from her perspective Coriolanus wouldn't hurt a fly as a child. She seems to have admired his mother and disliked his father, and she is trying to encourage him to be the best version of himself.

Even back in the original trilogy, I notice that Collins seems to use parents less as full people than as humanoid Symbols for different influences of society. Katniss and Peeta's mothers are the most human-seeming of the parents, but even they exist as sorts of dichotomies and push-pull between two different aspects of society and their overlap through love triangles and disappointed desires. Katniss's mother is a pretty good image of depression and abuse-by-neglect-without-malice, which is a complex human condition, but the way the narratives treat them makes them seem more distant than the younger characters.

If we take it that Tigris isn't totally making up any innate reluctance toward harm that one might consider "good" or even "natural" in people before they are pushed to their breaking points, and I think we should assume that because of Coriolanus's own internal struggles with himself, then I do not see a boy/young man who does not care about other people, either on the macro level or the interpersonal level.

It is striking to me that Tigris and Coriolanus and others frequently use the world "children" when talking about the Capitol teenagers, and sometimes about the District "kids," but the teenagers -- even in the Capitol -- have some degree of adult responsibility placed on their shoulders. Well, I guess that's mostly true for Coriolanus due to his lack of parents and experience of poverty. However, it is still strange that this is juxtaposed with the way someone like Lucy Gray obviously isn't seen as a child, particularly by Coriolanus's grandmother. There is the ongoing suggestion that, especially as women, Lucy Gray and/or Tigris may have needed to engage in some sort of sex work to survive, though this is never made explicit. Furthermore, Grandma'am specifically says that Lucy Gray hasn't been a child for a long time. Furthermore, I think the weight of Lucy Gray using the word "lover" to refer to her past with Billy Taupe is intended to drive this reality home without ever needing to spell it out in black and white.

Coriolanus tries to think of himself as a child when he is in a state of high distress. Furthermore, he often thinks of his classmates' calling out for or waiting for their parents in times of need. Something he cannot do.

Coriolanus demonstrates a capable intellect, and he has been using it to mask poverty, suffering, and disadvantage for most of his life. However, he seems to genuinely care for most of his classmates as friends.

When I read others' meta analyses of the book or others comparisons of the book to the movie, I was expecting that Coriolanus would be someone who was unable to view other people as real people. I was expecting to read about someone who struggled to convince themselves that they had the emotions that are experienced by others. Someone who was, as I said earlier, born broken.

That is not what I find at all.

Instead, as I think I've read in other posts, Coriolanus reminds me a little bit of Katniss. They are both people who are dealing with dissociation and suspicion toward other people as the result of trauma, post-traumatic stress, and a lack of the safety nets that others may take for granted even in the midst of poverty and deprivation.

Of course, knowing how it ends, Coriolanus finally finds a way to "let the dark side win," or whatever. The devil of Dr. Gaul talking into his ear about the nature of humanity is something that he finally comes to embrace. I haven't gotten there yet.

But the thing is, Coriolanus's callous nature most demonstrates itself in the way that he views Sejanus. He calls his demonstrations of "civility" toward Sejanus just that and nothing more. It is obvious that he does this because he resents certain things about who Sejanus is. However, he has been taught to resent the fact that he is from the Districts and rising above his station while Coriolanus's family is falling from their birthright of grace.

What I feel there is an undercurrent of, however, is that Coriolanus distances himself from Sejanus with his rational mind while his emotions tend to cause himself to align himself with Sejanus. This is not a particular statement of shippy feelings, though I don't blame people who see it that way, and if you can use my thoughts to further your shipping manifesto/justification, knock yourselves out!

I was just really stricken with how Coriolanus handled the realization that everything Sejanus chooses to do, even things Coriolanus things are embarrassing, risky, and dangerous, are motivated by doing the right thing.

Early on in the book, Coriolanus indicates that he began to treat Sejanus with civility because it was beneath the dignity of a Snow to treat him as lesser and with disdain simply because he was from the Districts. However, later in the book, it is obvious that Coriolanus's father would not have held the same sentiment. His father was a "District-hating" man, and even with his spotty memories of his father, he is aware of this description as part of his character.

Rather, it seems like Sejanus is the stage for Coriolanus's internal morality play.

He is drawn to doing the right thing. He enjoys the shining silver lining that people could want to be good, even when it doesn't benefit them. Even when choosing to be good would disadvantage them. However, he is terrified of his prospect because the veil of seeming to be more privileged than he is is like a form of armor for Coriolanus.

Drawing back to the parallels between Katniss and Coriolanus, I remember that Katniss went to great lengths to mask her mother's neglect because, apparently, even out in District 12 there was something like social services that may have taken Katniss and Prim away from their mother had the neglect and starvation been apparent enough. However, Katniss considered the Capitol's administration of "child protection" to have been worse than remaining in the Seam and dealing with living on the knife's edge of poverty and starvation on her own.

Coriolanus is much the same, even in a less obviously dangerous position. In fact, his motivation to hide the danger he is in is even greater because he has "more to lose" in some ways. Not only would be lose his position in society and access to food and opportunity for a better life, but he would also lose his sense of identity. In some ways, it's hard to say which one is worse. Katniss, on the other hand, has a hard time defining her sense of self and self worth, but that's a different post.

In some ways, Sejanus's opportunities and the idea that he is "replacing" Coriolanus in terms of station in society is a natural source of envy for Coriolanus. However, he rarely directly acknowledges this envy. Rather, he tries to find ways to pity Sejanus without allowing (or admitting?) any sense of emotional attachment to him.

But, as the saying goes, sometimes actions speak louder than words.

It seems to me that Coriolanus is, at least thus far in the book, drawn into acting in ways that align himself morally with Sejanus. However, he resents this, because his life thus far has taught him the propaganda of the Capitol about the people of the Districts and the cold pragmatism that, in theory, best assures survival. He resents how opening up toward other people, especially people like Sejanus, makes him vulnerable.

People, especially traumatized people, hate being vulnerable.

But Sejanus is like the siren song of having a less Hobbesian view of human nature. Sejanus represents the belief that treating other humans with dignity and decency is the baseline for a functioning society. He holds this view openly while people like Highbottom can only suggest this in ways that confuse and anger Coriolanus because he perceives their presentation as a resentment of and threat toward him.

Again, actions speak louder than words.

Another thing that makes me think this is an accurate reading of what Coriolanus is going through is the way he participates in Sejanus's laughter when he is sent in to get him in the Arena. Of course, Coriolanus has plenty of internal justifications for why he is doing what he is doing. He is, of course, motivated to survive. He is making pragmatic decisions that Sejanus himself refuses to make. Given the chance, he wouldn't have gone in after him, because Coriolanus is, at minimum at this point, not as good a person as Sejanus is (though I could write more on how guilt and self-destruction are not necessarily demonstrations of moral character). It is not necessarily evil not to be totally self-sacrificial. However, when he is given no choice but to go in and do this, he doesn't take the quickest path of least resistance. He rationalizes his way through it, as he's trying to rationalize his way through everything, but when Sejanus comments on how Coriolanus can't stop saving him, he laughs.

There is no narrative detail to indicate that this is a forced laugh or a calculated response, as so many of Coriolanus's demonstrations of emotion or lack thereof are. Instead, he laughs, and it's just a description of basic action, and this indicates that, perhaps, he is not being honest with himself about who or what Sejanus is to him, rather than that we should take it as absolute truth that he does not care about him at this point in the narrative.

I could be proven wrong by finishing the book, but as I said... actions sometimes speak louder than words.

[dumpster-lizard]

We need more shipping positivity out here so I'm gonna go off about all the Ghirahim ships I can think of and why they're rad. Now, if you purely like vanilla ships, you might not like these for the same reasons I do! I love toxic and/or angsty dynamics, and love the darker sides of all these ships so I'm going to focus a lot on those parts. I'll look at the vanilla perspective where I can too. If you like this and want me to try another Zelda Character (preferably a villain) shoot me an ask and I can do this for other characters!!

GhiraLink - The OG- I feel like most people who ship him with anyone shipped him with Link first. I certainly did. There's a ton you can do with them man. Link is tied to Zelda as Ghirahim is tied to his master and both are pawns in the greater scheme of things. You can do so many ways - personally I do prefer the darker route that plays into the creepy obsessive side of the character. The softer versions of the ship are nice too, though personally I like it better when you can see Ghiras development in these depictions. They can find solace in each other post game- and if you hc Demise was a bastard to Ghirahim this is also an opportunity for him to unlearn all the bad shit. Ghirahim becoming Link's new sword too? agh, Good Soup.

GhiraDemi: Master/Servant dynamic is ALWAYS a winner in my book. The adoration Ghirahim has for Demise is fantastic, and makes for a great dynamic whether it's returned or not. Again, I do like the darker route here, cause they are both mean bastards- I like the idea of Demise rubbing off on Ghirahim... but also think it would be rad if Ghirahim was deeply disturbed and violent BEFORE they met. Let them be terrible together, let them be CODEPENDANT! The angst potential for this ship is absolutely fantastic, and regardless of the level of toxicity you prefer - you KNOW he didn't handle it well when Demise was sealed, and he was left alone for centuries. I

DemiGhiraLink: Real ones know. Kudos to the folks who have made it their own and put different spins on it.

GhiraFi: I've drifted away from this ship, but it's still the parallels that get me. How they are functionally for the same purpose but so different? Have they always been like that? Which one changed? There are so many stories you could give them that could provide a variety of rich histories. I personally love the angst portion here. Love a good betrayal. Adore the scenarios people come up with where Ghirahim speaks to Fi during the events of the game, whenever she's separated from Link. And, of course, depending on whether you think she was changed, he could realize there's something wrong, this isn't the person he knew, and he would never get the closure of explaining himself. Or, if she remembers... Ghirahim being cold to her to avoid his feelings so he can do his job. Maybe a solemn understanding on Fi's side.

GhiraZant: Two super different guys dedicated to the same master. Both are massive creeps in their own right (see Zant's confrontation with Midna after the water temple), but have way different motives. Zant wanted to be a king. Ghirahim wanted to serve a king. I can see that being a good source of conflict. Perhaps they could find solace in each other if they ever understood they were being used.. or just magnify each other's obsession with their master. I suppose it depends on how much either of them remember. Does Zant remember the end of TP? Does Ghirahim remember the end of SkSw? The timeline of Hyrule Warriors is pretty unclear. Of course, there are AUs where Zant finds Ghirahim in TP...

GanGhira: Very similar to Ghirademi, but give Ghira some internal conflict about serving this mortal who's so different from his perfect master. Would he hold Ganondorf to higher standards? Would he just settle? Would he admire Ganondorf with the same fervor he did for Demise? Or, perhaps he sought Ganondorf out purposefully to continue his master's legacy. I have a lot of thoughts of a sword spirit mentoring a younger Ganondorf though sword fighting, dark magic, and seeding a deep hatred for the Goddesses. And it wouldn't be difficult, Hyrule really does create its own enemies.

GanGhiraZant: Combine the above two and add in Zant's dynamic with Ganondorf, and you've got some good soup babes GhiraVaati: I like Ghirahim, and I like Vaati (understatement of the century). And these two could NOT be more different. Vaati is essentially the hylian equivalent of a fae that decided he wanted to be a god and has a serious issue with authority. Meanwhile, Ghirahim is drawn to authority to the point he "waited his whole existence" for the chance to bring his master back. Now, perhaps Ghirahim would admire Vaati for this - ignoring his minish origins. But if we throw Ganondorf in the mix, I'm talking rivalry, I'm talking petty fights, hohoho it can get UGLY! Good opportunity for Enemies to rivals to friends to lovers here.

Getting into ships I'm not too knowledgeable on --

GhiraZel: Look. Heroine/Villain ships rock. Especially if you go with the HC Ghirahim betrayed Hylia and/or was her original sword. Perhaps he has some lingering regret about that. Perhaps he has mixed feelings about sacrifincing her- or perhaps he redirects his feelings into something more malicious. This isn't a ship I'm personally drawn to but there are quite a few possibilities and Godspeed to the folks that ship this, you rock.

GhiraVolga: Look a dragon getting possessive over what he deems a valuable treasure just gets to me ok. Two monsters, both keeping a barely restrained facade, but one that can turn into a fire-breathing monster at will? It's been a while since I indulged in this ship, but I know firsthand there ARE fics out there that explore this better than I can.

GhiraImpa: Could be an interesting history with these two. Considering, Ghirahim certainly have very intense feelings towards her in game. To the people who ship this rarepair I see you and I love you.

I know I definitely missed some, so feel free to send me any other rarepairs so I can send them some love too!

[justporo]

From your fanfic Q&A prompt! 13, 14, 15 and 18! <3 :D

Thanks for asking, Anon! From this Q&A thing.

13. What are some must-read fanfics in your fandom? Why do you admire these, and how have they impacted your works?

I'm not nearly reading enough fanfics about Astarion - which is solely because I have too much shit to do... So it's mostly one-shots I come across.

I guess, for one, you absolutely HAVE to read @tripleyeeets A Lover's Folly because wow (and also there's another story developing)... Their writing is amazing, the way the characters are written... also their writing deeply motivates me to get better because I feel like I have much to learn in terms of articulation and just in a technical sense.

@sweatandwoe has written some amazing one-shots for requests and wrote this one here which desperately made me want to write a story with ascended Astarion and all the angst and slow-burn in the world.

@lokasxnna has written this wonderful piece about Astarion and his pointy ears (and the title is so amazing): To Hold Me Like Water And I just love the idea and the way a soft, intimate moment is shared.

@thatfreshi writes very emotional one-shots that explore vulnerable moments, that sometimes go as far as making my chest hurt: Not if You Collect Them Like Ex-Lovers (Enjoy the damn pain, y'all!) And that really made me want to include more moments in my stories where Astarion and Tav deeply connect on an emotional level

Alright, some more questions, this will be long, so rest goes under the cut:

14. What aspects of your creative process do you enjoy the most? Which are most challenging?

Most? Thinking about it, immersing myself in the world and the characters, down to the last little details. Coming up with stupid or very emotional stuff and funny (at least to me) dialogue. Most challenging is definitely finding the time to work on stuff - atm I could really just keep writing all day. Also... the English words won't English sometimes although it's gotten better already (I think??). But yeah, cliché, I know, but: English isn't my first language - so... I'm sorry.

15. What programs/tools do you use while writing?

I write in Word and use OneDrive so I can work on different devices (might move over to GoogleDocs soon to make that easier). Dict.cc is my best friend in terms of vocabulary, when I don't remember exactly if I've chosen the right word or just can't English for a hot moment... Also Spotify stays ON while writing. That's it I guess.

18. Are there any themes or tropes that you enjoy writing? Any themes or tropes you hate writing?

I can't say that I've written awfully much yet, so let's go with what I think I'd like or hate. I definitely like enemies-to-lovers and slowburn, a good grumpy meets sunshine trope, grumpy characters, sassy characters, gothic themes and environments, the gentleman villain trope... List could go on I think. Things I really don't enjoy is like major miscommunication and when characters just won'T FUCKING TALK ABOUT WTF IT IS THAT BOTHERS THEM, UUUGH (this is the worst really and makes a lot for lazy writing when trying to create drama, imho) But I can't really think of something else that I'd really hate (other than stuff that's ofc not legal or shit like that).

[frutiylaris]

Signalis. How and why?

I apologize for intruding on the signalis tag with my autistic love for this little game. It will most likely happen again. Signalis is just beautiful. I find it hard to enjoy most games that are released nowadays, be they indie, double-A or triple-A. I've become bitter about games and media and I'm only in my 20s.

So when my friend introduced me to Signalis thinking that I would enjoy it, I thought it would be another run-of-the-mill indie game about depression or some such nonsense. But then I played it... The first ending I got being the promise ending. Seeing Arianne and Elster embrace and just love each other made me weep. The sheer devotion this damned robotic woman had for her lover made me pause. And when I replayed it recently for my second playthrough just to make sure I didn't miss anything. I got the memory ending and my heart sank into sadness once again. I... I don't know how to describe my feelings towards the game. On one hand, I do not appreciate the heavy-handed foreshadowing, but at the same time a part of me now understands why it was done that way. Admittedly the moment I saw the King in Yellow and references to HP Lovecraft and cosmic horror my brain tipped me off on how it would end. I had a conception and then it was shattered and in its place a potted plant. A lily, covered in marble. Its blue veins still clearly visible. I want to understand Signalis. To comprehend that which I cannot, its an innate human urge to find some meaning, some purpose! But Signalis doesn't do that. Perhaps I became like Adler, once I understood what I was trapped within I so desperately wanted it to stop. To get out. To save the one I admired but in the end, I was twisted and left to a fate worse than death. I lost my purpose. And when Elster came by once more the events repeated themselves, no matter how much you try to reason and make arguments to one who is deeply in love. They will ignore it all. For it's not logic or thought that drives them, but love. That endless yearning for the one you know is gone, but yet you still chase after them. Even if you remember your promise. Forget it or whatever else. The cycle repeats itself. The world deteriorates more and more with each passing cycle until the rotted corpses arise from their graves and begin to roam the earth, unable to rest, to think, to feel. All being puppetted by something greater. I admittedly have not played the game a 3rd time since I wanted to get the artefact ending, but I just can't manifest the strength to do so right now. So I looked it up and... and it... I cried once more. I know what happens each and every time and that no matter what, it all ends the same. In tragedy. My second playthrough gave me a feeling of lucidity. Everything for but a brief moment connected together and I witnessed what lay before the black gate. And when I came back I couldn't tell anyone. I was paralysed with knowledge. Knowledge that I was never supposed to have. I traded in a part of myself unknowingly to even begin to comprehend what I had seen. And now that I am seated once more in reality, I fear speaking about it. About Signalis. Its beautiful. Its story is absolutely wonderful. Its gameplay whilst not groundbreaking is good, and the puzzles are a decent challenge. The music gave me a sense of primal fear and each moment I spent on Sierpenski and rotfront was unforgettable. I want this game to reach more people but at the same time, I fear it becoming popular. It feels so special, so unique that I want to hoard it away to myself. But that is selfish of me to do. I remembered my promise. I forgot my promise. I offered up something to the red eye and in return, it gave me one final dance to enjoy. The game about two space lesbians doomed to fail their mission made me feel genuine emotion. More than any other game has and I will forever cherish it. This forbidden tome of a love story. I have journeyed far into Silent hill and confronted my trauma. I have watched raccoon city burn and Umbrella fall. I witnessed Isaac clarke meet his final moments. I have gone to the depths of the Zone and seen the Wish granter. Signalis deserves a spot with all the greats. My only issue is its love of making a fair few too many homages. Thank you, if you read through all this babble.

From the Zone I came, to the Zone I return.

[undeadorion-archive]

This is something that I probably should have said publicly years ago. It's now too late to matter to anyone but myself, but I need it to be public. About what happened between me and my ex, Genue. I don't know what her current usernames are, and I only partially remember her old one (heart broken something or other).

Gen and I met through a friend-of-a-friend chain after a friend and I ended up an RP group at the peak of Avengers fandom. I adored Gen's art, but didn't have a lot of contact with her at first. She wasn't quite Big Name Fan levels of popularity, but she was pretty high up there, so I was afraid to even speak to her at first. But eventually we ended up talking and hit it off really well.

This was around like 2013 maybe. I was quite possibly at my lowest around then, so all it took to win me over was the smallest amount of positive attention. I had zero confidence, and maximum anxiety. I was at the heaviest I've ever been and was well into a developing binge eating disorder. I was desperately trying to find work as a comic colorist after being screwed over by a terrible publisher. I was not in a good place.

So even though I'm primarily interested in men, when someone I admired wanted a relationship with me, I was so overwhelmed I agreed to explore it. And that was my first mistake. There were redflags galore, including how her family treated me, but I ignored them.

She coerced me into sexual activities over voice calls. I didn't want to do it at first, but she kept pushing. So I agreed. I never discussed that with her, though. I was very much in people pleaser mode and wanted her to keep liking me. So I didn't want to tell her no in any way.

When she came to visit, she wanted to get immediately to the sex. Which felt really fucking weird. I picked her up at the airport. And when we barely but our luggage down at the hotel, she wanted to get into the shower together. It was a lot.

But this isn't just about being pressured into sex.

Eventually we moved in together. Or rather she moved out of her parents house in California to live with me in Portland. At first things were good, even if she wanted to do things I was either incapable of or didn't want to do.

The biggest sticking point was the initial arrangement of our desks in the living room. It was summer, so I took a spot near the window to be cooler and she took the opposite corner. But that was a problem come winter, because the heater was on the wall behind me, and she was against the furthest wall. Too much heat makes me sick and she insisted being too cold makes her sick. But for some reason she absolutely refused to allow anything to be rearranged. Now I know the heat doesn't just make me sick, it gives me asthma attacks.

The rent, bills and expenses were another issue. I was barely scraping by on commission and comic work. I'd tell her how much we each needed to contribute that month. Every single month she came up short, wouldn't tell me until the last minute and just think it would be okay to not pay the rest. When our electricity got shut off due to being so far behind she got pissed at me because she insisted I didn't tell her how bad it was. Despite telling her every month how far behind we were and how much we needed to catch up.

Once I even put a chart on the fridge about how much everyone owed every month. Her and the other roommates insisted it was "unfair" because it showed I was paying more. Even though it was the amounts we agreed on.

But it wasn't just interpersonal stuff. I found out after we already lived together that she was deeply into shipping Thor and Loki. Specifically adult Thor and Kid Loki. She admitted that a tumblr account she'd had before I met her was banned from tumblr for drawing underaged smut.

Then there was the suspected scamming. She insisted that she was locked out of her paypal account so she had to use mine. I agreed because I thought it was a temporary thing until she got hers fixed. She never fixed it. She claimed it was because of an address mis-match, which isn't something I've ever encountered, but should be easily fixable with a phone call or email with documentation. It didn't bother me too much, because the money she got went into my account so I could use it directly to pay bills or buy groceries. That is, until I started getting emails. Someone saying they hadn't heard back from Gen despite trying to contact her many times. They paid for a commission months before. Every time I'd ask her, she'd insist she never received an email from them. If it was just once, I wouldn't have thought anything of it. But there was more than one. And every single time, it was the same story. Ghosted after paying for a commission, oops emails were lost.

Quite some time after we broke up, a person I sort of knew had tried to file a complaint through paypal, but it was like 6 months too late. The egregious amount of time had me very suspicious of what was happening so I contacted the person. If I'd had the funds myself, I would have gladly refunded them. And their story was the same as the others. Paid for a large commission, then got ghosted. They'd tried messaging and contacting Gen every possible way and never got a response. So I tweeted at her to fix it because it wasn't my issue to handle. I didn't accuse her of anything, I just said "this person contacted me with this issue about your commission." And she was PISSED that I hadn't contacted her privately. Well, if your email keeps losing emails, how can I trust that route?

At one point, she started to demand that I eat more healthy. My habits were awful at the time, but she just kept saying "eat better" and offered no help. I'd ask her what I should do, and she had nothing to offer. When I asked what I should get at the store, she just said she wanted pistachio ice cream. Never anything healthy.

Oh. The groceries. Even when I had to get a full time jobs just to keep the lights on, I was the one always doing the shopping. We didn't have a car, so I'd have to walk there and back. I'd often steal a cart and take it back the next day. She never offered to stop at the store on her way home from somewhere. She never went on her own. She wouldn't even go with me. One day it was snowing pretty hard and I got my period (this was before I transitioned). The cramps were so bad I felt ill. And she refused to go get me pads because it was too cold outside. So I was left to trudge through the snow, in pain. Cold and movement made the pain worse, too. But if she had so much as the sniffles, she'd put on the baby voice and ask me to get her treats from the store.

The only thing I asked of her was that she helped me carry the groceries in when I got home. Specifically that she keep her phone nearby while I was gone so I could text her when I was at the bottom of the stairs, so I wouldn't have to risk leaving a cart full of groceries in the parking lot while I ran up to get her. All while a single flight of stairs was enough to launch me into a full asthma attack. And needing to do that multiple times. But she acted like I was making an unreasonable demand of her to watch for a text.

She'd get super irritated over cultural differences and act like I was forcing mine on her. She wanted me to watch some soccer game where the announcers spoke exclusively Spanish. I don't speak Spanish, I have negative interest in sports, and I was trying to get work done. She wanted to do holiday activities that required either large numbers of people or highly specific details that I didn't know how to do. I told her we could do them but she'd have to be the one to put it together or teach me what to do. And that was a bad thing on my part some how. Or me simply not liking certain foods she put together. Like a salad that was just bananas, canned beets, and peanuts. I don't like beets and I couldn't eat peanuts at the time because of my bad teeth. I asked her to show me how to make tamales and she said it was too complicated and I'd never be able to learn. Years later, I taught myself how to fold and wrap them in about 10 minutes.

Her mom made and sold these flower gel things and she wanted to do them here and sell them at a local market. So I said "okay, but you have to tell me what you need and teach me how to do it." I even looked into what we needed to get a booth. And she acted like I wasn't doing enough and it was my fault we never did it. Mind you, she never told me even the supplies she'd need let alone how to do it.

Then there's her mother. Oh lord. One day her mom was visiting and they picked me up after a full day of work to go to Ikea, which was nearly an hour's drive away. I was already fighting fatigue and asthma on a good day, and now I was exhausted on top of it. I needed to stop to take a break because I felt like I was going to pass out. So when I sat down, her mother lectured me, and basically called me lazy. Because of how much she'd achieved in her life. Something about being a gymnast and breaking bones and all of the jobs she had. And it was somehow a moral failing on my part I couldn't keep up with her.

One of the moments that made me realize that there was a narrative on Gen's part that I was completely unaware of was when I got that job. Despite my not asking for it, she insisted on making a huge batch of tamales for me to take in for my lunch every day. But she was making multiple kinds and stressed herself out doing it. And somewhere along the way she'd come to the conclusion that it was my fault that she was working so hard in the kitchen. While doing something I never asked her to do. Something she wouldn't let me help with. And something she refused to teach me so I could help.

But one of the most telling things is that Gen refused to leave me alone. It's why in the end I didn't push her to the shopping because then I had an excuse to leave as long as I wanted. If I got overwhelmed by something, and took my laptop into the bedroom where it was quiet, she'd immediately follow and insist on talking to me. I just wanted to sit in the quiet. I needed to be able to focus in order to get any work done. Fully shut the world out levels of focus. I told her this, frequently. It especially irritated me if someone intentionally dragged me out of that focus for things that weren't even mildly important. She'd be watching TV and wave her hands at me to say "did you see that?" or other commentary. When I wasn't watching. Or worse was stuff like "I just wanted to say hi." When I didn't have a job we were together 24/7. I only needed that focus when I was actually working. We'd spend time sitting together on the couch watching stuff together. But my need for a work schedule didn't matter to her and she refused to respect even that simple boundary.

Another weird thing is that she refused to let me do dishes or clean the kitchen. It was the most neglected part of our apartment. Like rotting vegetables in the pantry, sink overflowing with dishes level. And if I went into the kitchen with the intent to clean, she'd physically block my path (her desk was right next to the kitchen). Remember this for what happens later.

At one point, she came down with a mystery illness of fatigue and pain (something I understood quite well even then). So I told her to rest. I had a full time job at that time, so we'd be okay on money if she took some time off. But she insisted on doing a livestream where she did sketches for donations and somehow insisted I was forcing her to work while she was sick. Mind you, I was slowly grinding myself to dust just to keep us afloat. Like ending up at urgent care levels of burnout. But she was the one being forced to work while sick. When I told her specifically not to.

Then there were the friends she'd bring over. They almost unanimously hated me for reasons I couldn't identify. I now suspect Gen was talking about me behind my back, but I have nothing to prove that beyond the way these people I barely knew treated me. But these friends included people like IronSpike and BeesMyGod, who each have their own....reputations in certain circles. At first I made sure I wasn't trying to work so I could be part of the conversation. But they basically pushed me out of it. In my own home. At times it felt like I wasn't allowed to speak. Or what I said was judged as harshly as possible, and dismissed. For the longest time, I thought it was just my anxiety talking. Everything was probably fine. That is, until she brought in the infamous Audrey Redpath. Then it became very obviously not my imagination. I'd start speaking, and Audrey would interrupt me about 80%. It was maddening. I tried talking to Gen about it, and she went full gaslight and said it wasn't happening.

One of these friends also told me it wasn't possible to be abused in any fashion by someone you only knew online, and Gen took her side. The friend insisted there needed to be a physical component for the abuse to be real. Which is just flat out untrue.

Then came the actual breakup. Gen went to see her family in California for 2 weeks in August of 2015. And for the first time since she moved in, I had a nice, long, uninterrupted time alone. It was the time in which I figured out I was trans. At the time it was the most liberating thing to finally accept. Which made it a wee bit awkward when Gen came home with rather feminine gifts for me. Gifts that even in the moment were very much her style and not at all mine.

I knew that when I told her I was trans, it might take some adjustment time. But I wasn't expecting her to be disgusted. Like I tried to hold her hand and she'd rip it away levels disgusted. Then she told me she wanted to break up. I'd not felt comfortable in the relationship for a good long time, so I was okay with that. I even said I was okay continuing to live together until we figured something else out. I was even going to move my desk into my room so she could have the living room to herself (she'd brought the couch with her, and the bed was mine). And yet she had a total breakdown saying that I was somehow forcing her to move out. When was I going to be looped into that decision?

Foolishly, I tried to reason with her and talk through it. She made wild claims about things I'd supposedly done. Remember that being barred from the kitchen thing? Yeah, she said I was forcing her to be my personal maid. Remember the state of the kitchen? She insisted she spent hours every morning just to clean the kitchen because I supposedly refused to do it. I'm not the best at keeping up with dishes, but she physically wouldn't let me do them.

She cited the fact that I "refused" to eat better on her command as part of why she was breaking up with me. Remember how she never did anything to help and just insisted I do it?

When I tried to tell her most of my issues that were actually true (like me not wanting to have sex anymore) were due to dysphoria, depression and anxiety, she called me selfish. And yet she thought I'd just let her keep a phone that I was still paying for (both service and device). I didn't even ask for it immediately and told her to get her own phone plan and to return it to me when she had a replacement. I didn't make her hand it over before she left. But she painted it as me leaving her without a phone.

Though it may seem so, I don't think she dumped me because I was trans. But rather because in coming out I displayed so much more confidence. People who resort so easily to gaslighting hate confidence, because that makes it harder for their tactics to work. I can't say for sure that's what happened, as she claims her family convinced her to break up with me. But she didn't have an issue with me after she came back from her visit until I came out to her.

I'm certain she's told people out there some monstrous things about me. Told them at all the things she gaslit me on were actually true. She so badly wanted me to be a bad person, she insisted I did things that were the polar opposite of what I actually did or said. Not just to other people, but to my face. I genuinely don't know if she was doing it on purpose, or if she'd somehow convinced herself of the things she claimed. But there's no more blatant gaslighting than telling someone "Hey, it's okay. There's no rush. You can take as long as you need. You don't even have to move out" and having them respond with screaming "You're forcing me to move out!"

I unfortunately don't have any receipts for any of this. It's purely my word against hers. And even the most recent events (the post-breakup paypal incident) happened over five years ago. But finding out just how severely bad my asthma really is, and how much its impacted my life has had me thinking about everything that happened. How badly she treated me. At the time we broke up, I was too afraid to say anything. She had a lot of influence over the circles I was in, and I was pretty sure no one would believe me. Or worse, they'd come after me for speaking out. Especially since she had a lot of friends with large followings. But I'm over that. And I'm over staying quiet and playing nice.

Gen treated me like garbage and lied to people about what I did. She pressured me into sex and gaslit me for years. She possibly scammed people, using my name to do it. She was ableist and fatphobic. She dragged my name through the mud to the point that I likely have no hope of ever being part of the local scene of comic artists (especially webcomics).

[starchild--27]

Heyo, i'm your secret santa for the exo-l project! I look forward to getting to know you.

I'm kinda assuming you're Chanyeol biased from looking at your tumblr but please correct me if i'm wrong/let me know your bias! I'd love to know what you love about your bias too!

I'll likely be either writing fanfiction (either x reader or x another member) for a gift or making gifs so please let me know what you'd prefer! i'm happy to do whatever

I hope you're having a lovely day

from: 🎁

Hey there!! So happy to hear from you :D i love this little event a lot so i'm really looking forward to the next couple of months, hehe ^-^

(i tend to write really long answers at times so sorry in advance xD)

You are assuming correctly, the Chanyeol love is, umm, well, all over the place here xD i love tons of things about him really. first is probably all the love he carries himself: for everything concerning music, for his pets, for his friends, for life. he strikes me as a caring person who knows his own emotions very well and can process them into art, which is something i admire a lot in people. so yeah, when ever he is creating, that is him in "my favourite state". playing instruments, singing/rapping, being involved in some kind of creative process. all that. for example, i go absolutely batshit crazy over the "recording behind the scenes" videos we got for cream soda and hear me out. i love these glimpses we get of all of them really while they are doing such an part of their work.

i've also mentioned the pets already. nothing cuter than when he talks in baby language to his little puppy princess xDD i am melting away with a smile on my face just thinking about it xD

another thing i love is, let's say the bits of his personality that we as fans get to see. (not implying their are all just stage personas. i believe very much that what we see of them is true but you know, we see only the parts they want us to see. as it's only normal. anyway-) he is so effortlessly funny, he cheers me up a lot with the silly things he does because they are funny or bring him joy. it's the fact he can do both, you know? do the silliest shit with the members on stage one minute and hold a deeply emotional ment the next. which leads me to another thing i really love anout him (tho that's more about exo in general, really): all the chemistry they have with each other. they've known each other forever and i love that for them being around each other is as easy as breathing. there is a lot of sibling energy there, in both the funny and the deep sense, and it moves me to tears many times, for both the funny and the deep reasons. and i love chanyeol's place in this constellation a lot, a person who makes the mood, can joke around, can also take jokes easily and then again is a trusted friend who supports the ones close to him fiercely and in any way he can.

yeah, these are the main things i think that i love about him. i think last year i ended my little chanyeol speech with a phrase like "he carries so much warmth inside him and pours in into everything he does. also, he is pretty ♡" and i think that sums it up quite well xD

bonus (bc it came to mind just now): i absolutely adore the faces he makes while dancing. not in a mocking way or anything, i have the biggest respect for them pulling off these choreos while singing too. it's so hard! i just think he looks hella cute when he is focused on dancing and ... kinda loses control over his features xDD i also think he looks like a ... very tall fairy ... in some choreo moments (like in Thunder for example xD)

for my gift...ok, i'll try not to give the unsatisfactory answer of "i don't mind, i'll be happy with anything, just do whatever you feel like/have the time and inspiration for" (tho that point always stands, so it you find yourself in a creative slump for one thing, i wouldn't mind it at all if you "switched" to something that comes more easily to you, creatively speaking) - and i think i have never received gifs or a gifset for this event before. so i'll go with that ^-^

if you need some more info or details for that, always feel free to ask ^-^

nowwww, i also want to know a little more about you (if it doesn't give away the secret part of secret santa too much ofc xD). who is/are your bias(es)? what's your favourite thing about them? do you like other kpop groups besides exo? and what are some of your favorite songs (exo, kpop, or any other genres - your pick ^-^)

i hope you have/had a great day and you're doing alright :D

xoxo, selma 💫

[freedomfireflies]

Hi <3 First of all, I want to say how much I love your stories and your writing, you’ve become my favourite one here on tumblr and I have basically memorised all of your masterlist because it’s just too good.

I just wanted to say something, and please don’t take it as an offence because it’s really not, it’s just a thought I wanted to share with you as an italian person who, unfortunately, has been a witness of the romanticisation of mafia in the last couple of years (of course I’m talking about Mine).

Mafia is not something to be proud of, and it’s definitely not like the one portrayed in books and films. It’s much worse. It’s blowing cars up, robbing innocent and honest, hardworking people and it’s about unliving people and CHILDREN in the worst ways you can think of.

I understand the charm of the bad boy who’s involved in some sketchy things and is some sort of criminal, I read stories like that all the time, but it’s a completely different thing from Mafia.

I sincerely hope I haven’t offended you, and please, feel free to completely ignore this, it will be just between the two of us.

I don’t want you to feel guilty, because I can understand how someone from an another culture doesn’t really get what it means, but as someone who has grown up hearing all kind of stories, I couldn’t stay silent.

Sorry for the rant, and again, please don’t take offence, I’m saying this with good intentions.

Trust me when I say I really like your stories, and I give you my compliments for writing so well. It’s something I truly admire. I can’t wait to read more extracts from Teach Me, my number 1 story here.

If you’ve read all of this, thank you for your time! I wish you all the best.

Hi!! First of all, thank you so much for reading and being here and being so kind 😭💞

Second, I appreciate you taking the time to tell me this!! I never want anyone to feel off-put or uncomfortable by something I've done or written!

I completely understand what you mean and where you're coming from. When I decided on this trope in particular, it was not to romanticize or play it up in any way.

Mostly, I needed a job that would explain his overprotectiveness, his demeanor, and why she would need bodyguards/would be isolated most of the time.

Honestly, this story was only ever meant to be smut, and was not meant to dive too deeply into his job and what he does. Chapter 2 does get a bit deeper into the topic but other than that, I believe most of the mafia talk is reduced to quick conversations about meetings Harry needs to be having.

I wouldn't mind changing his field at all, however Tumblr has rules about edits through reblogs and if I were to go back and change the original post, unfortunately, it wouldn't copy over to everyone else's version.

But I absolutely do not mind thinking of him as something else instead or simply having a nondescript job!

And going forward with the extras, I will make sure not to mention the mafia or dive into the details of his work!

I know that can't fix what has already been written and I'm not sure if you were asking that I stop writing it altogether. But I hope that at least by making sure not to mention the mafia in the future and keeping the field of his job vague, it can potentially make the experience for anyone else that might read a little better!

I so appreciate you telling me this and reaching out to share that you were uncomfortable. I know this is a very popular trope and I would never want to romanticize the mafia itself in any way. Again, this story was mostly just about a dominant Harry that likes when people watch him fuck HAHAHA 😭 And that was all I ever wanted it to be!

Thank you again for taking the time to educate me, to read some of the other stories, and for being so kind!! If there's anything I can do to improve or anything else you want to chat about, please let me know!! I will always be here 💞💞💞

[songsandsophism]

An issue I see when talking about philosophy is the idea that one school of thought it inherently true, that multitudes can be seen in a single concept. I don't think that's inherently UNTRUE, but I also believe it's near impossible to address the root of human suffering (even the mental or spiritual) by submitting to a single school of thought. Particularly when they're misunderstood by many, such as me! So I want to take a look at how I've seen them and how I've understood others to see them.

I'm no actual philosopher or academician. In fact, I'm just someone who spouts subjective thoughts with a very narrow and often lacking education. And so, it's hard for me to properly analyse any given philosophy relating to the mind and actions best taken for such issues. However, I do think I'm qualified to say one thing; Humans are deeply complex and contradictory, even if we say we're a optimist, or a sceptic, or a hedonist, it's impossible for us to be without pessimism, faith, or even asceticism.

That's not to say no one is more inclined to one than another, simply that prescribing absolute truth to one ignores the fact that neglecting its other side leaves a person lacking.

How to you mourn if you're an optimist, sure you can see all the days they've had, and all the days you have yet to have, and find comfort in those. But without the echoes of pain, without resigning yourself to the fact the world is often cruel beyond measure, I don't think it's possible to internalise that revelation in a way that helps you grow. An optimist sees a fruitful harvest, but it's the pessimism that teaches you to expect the harsh winter.

Scepticism is a favourite of many, especially those who fit the title of armchair [insert political affiliation here]. It allows for the filtering of information, the ability to question authority, and to find painful truth inside simple lies. But the life of someone dependent on their scepticism, who sees their ability to reject faith as crucial, often lacks in perspective. While science is an institution filled with lies and assumptions, approaching science with the eyes of a true sceptic often leaves one without any knowledge gained. Although many things can be definitively proven with objective facts, Most science requires at least some faith; The best deductions, made with the best information, are rarely conclusive facts, new information comes to light constantly, and deductions can change wildly. If you require a medicine to be researched so deeply that there is no potential for the unknown, you will likely find yourself dying waiting.

Hedonism is a seductive school of thought. The greatest pleasure being the greatest good is admirable, particularly when that extends to others. It, to me, is a school of thought best enjoyed in times of peace and prosperity for most (though preferably all) as it assigns priority not to the building or repair of structures that allow hedonistic individuals to enjoy thay pleasure. Of course, the actual philosophy goes deeper than simply pleasure is good so have all the pleasure. It's often misunderstood as that. So it is important for those who find the concept in that form appealing to consider something like asceticism in times of war, famine, and other social issues. Such issues can leave pleasure seeking, even when focused on extending that to as many people as possible, irresponsible. Tempering the desire for pleasure and turning your focus to advocating peace, tackling starvation, and tearing down or reforming the systems that bring about social injustice can allow for many more to experience that pleasure.

I don't pretend to have a deep understanding of the real concepts, only a minor understanding of how people simplify those schools of thought either for comfort, or gain, or simply because they enjoy it. What I hope is that one day we can imagine ourselves and our future actions as more complex than we do now, just as we should other people.

This morning, I've been listening to Death Cab for Cutie (they have a concert coming up I'll be attending, so I'm quite excited). A song that always stands out to me on listens is Grapevine Fires, the first song of theirs I listened to. That song turned out to be a bit of a turning point for me, moving from songs I listened to in movies or TV I liked, to bands I adored and would listen to the entire discography on. I don't think it's their best song, but it's incredibly important to me for that reason, silly as it might sound.

[carlosfruitsnacks]

can i still ask?if not,ignore this

Please may i have a Carlos Madrigal x fem filipina reader where Carlos sees her reading books and decides to join her reading club.

After that they become friends and maybe more?

Thank youuuuu

p.s.,sorry if im irritating

"ating nobela"

summary:

— Carlos wasn't a fan of stories or tales about love, but when he laid his eyes on you, he begins to believe that this was the start of his own love story.

genre:

— modern-au, fluff

notes:

— female and Filipino reader. I do not speak fluent Spanish and all of the Spanish here is translated from google, feel free to correct me.

warning/s:

— none

a/n:

—  hiiii sorry this was late but I hope you like this <3

The past few days have been hectic. Everyone was always in a rush these days, often occupied with tasks in life. Carlos Madrigal can say the same. He's been constantly trying to keep his grades afloat though if someone asked him, he wouldn't care if he got a shitty grade. But then he would remember his mamá's chancla and he would shudder, a chancla from his mother does things to his integrity. Carlos couldn't bear to see his brother Camilo finessing his way through it all, a tiny part of him was jealous and impressed.

It was the end of another day at school but unfortunately for the students, finals were coming up tomorrow. As much as Carlos wanted to go home and just play his guitar, he needed to study to pass tomorrow's examinations. So, he scowls and makes his way to his school's library. He'll just borrow some textbooks and leave. The teen enters the enormous library filled with various students, all cramming to get some studying done. Carlos prevents himself from being one of them.

Briskly, Carlos walks through the bookshelves and searches for the books he needed. He grabbed one for math and for chemistry, all he needed was a textbook for history. As he smoothly navigates his way to another section of the library, he passes through an aisle containing novels and classic literature. 

Carlos stops when he discovers a girl leaning on one of the shelves, reading deeply into a book. He can feel his heart coming to a halt before palpitating rapidly, he gulped and shakingly wets his lips. The girl looked so gorgeous and busy burying her nose into the book, Carlos watched her eyes reading the contents, he was captivated. He stood there for a while, admiring the pretty stranger. Eventually, said stranger catches him red-handed gawking at her.

"I'm sorry, do you need something?"

She softly asks. Carlos finds himself tongue-tied, opening his mouth but a word doesn't get out. He might've looked like an absolute dumbass right now. Luckily, he manages to pull himself together and slowly approach her. He sees the book that she's reading and recognizes it. The book was one of his mother's favorite novels, a love story that was told over and over again. Suddenly, Carlos has an idea.

"I can't help but notice that book you're reading"

"This? Oh, I just started. Wait, don't tell me you're going to spoil the plot for me?"

She furrowed her eyes at him, playfully. Carlos takes the opportunity to chuckle and lean against the shelf, close to her.

"I could. Okay, so Joe and this girl-"

"Hoy! Huwag!"

"I've read the book a couple of times, the plot is pretty predictable"

"Oh, so you read Mr. ...what's your name?"

Carlos shows her a toothy smile as he shuffles the books to his other arm and brings his hand for her to shake. She takes his hand and Carlos tries not to melt inside by her touch.

"Carlos, Carlos Madrigal"

"Nice to meet you, Carlos. I'm [Name] [Surname], do you also have impeccable taste in books?"

"I can admit that I have versatile taste in literature"

"Hmm, impressive. Got any recommendations?"

She shuts her book close and gives him her full attention. Carlos was lying when he said he was a bookworm, he was only trying to garner her attention. Fortunately for him, his mother has a fascination with tons of novels while growing up so he'll use whatever book she read to his advantage.

The teen talked with [Name] for the rest of the day, completely forgetting why he was in the library in the first place. Luck was on his side because of the books he recommended (that he saw his mother reading and that he has heard of) made her think highly of him. Carlos can notice her smile growing bigger with each minute she babbles her favorite novels to him. However, the breathtaking moment fades away when she excused herself to go attend her book club. Carlos hides the disappointment with a casual wave, telling her that he'd see her around.

After she left, he stands awkwardly for a second as a smile crept up his face. It felt so odd to feel incredibly giddy about someone. Carlos was stumped that he forgot to ask for her number. But he had her name and the fact that she part of the book club told him that he'll be seeing her soon. Was this his chance to impress? Perhaps. But Carlos isn't the one to take things for granted.

Carlos gingerly goes home and immediately asks his mother for all of her favorite books to read during his free time.

Wherever he went, Carlos would always find you, a book in hand. He hasn't gotten the chance to talk to you ever since the first encounter so he resorts to admiring you from afar. Of course, he has done his fair share of stalking you on the internet. Turns out, you were the president of your book club, your hobbies are well..reading, and you like a lot of genres. Since he borrowed some of his mother's favorite books, he started reading. Carlos has finished three books in the past five weeks.

"Oye, hermano, what are you reading?"

Camilo slips beside him in the cafeteria during lunch. Carlos ignores his presence as his twin brother took a peek at the book he's reading.

"Hey! Isn't that one of mamá's books?"

"So what?"

"Why reading them all of a sudden? I thought you hated sappy love stories"

"I...I needed to read it for...literature class"

Carlos tries not to sweat under Camilo's suspicious gaze, to his relief, the latter simply shrugs the topic off. Midway through a chapter, Carlos spotted you in the corner of his eye. He subtly directs his gaze on you, taking a seat and pulling out one of your books, and starting eating lunch. He can feel his cheeks heating up at the sight of your beauty. Carlos slowly lowers his book and begins to stare at you, forgetting about the world at the moment.

God, you looked so pretty like that. You took a drink out of your soda, Carlos never wanted to be a soda bottle so fucking bad. Your [Eye Color] eyes are busy tracing the words on the book, if only you looked at him like that. He watched every reaction you would make to what you were reading and it makes him all fuzzy inside. Carlos wished to brush your hair and whisper sweet nothingness to your ears while you read a book. He wanted to hold you as delicately as you hold that book. He wants to-

"Earth to Carlos?"

Carlos snaps out of his trance and glared at Camilo, who was waving a hand in front of his face the entire time he was daydreaming about you. Camilo smirks his way.

"Oh, I saw what you're looking at"

"You didn't see shit, pendejo"

"Uh-huh. You were swooning over none other than [Name] [Surname]"

"How...how did you-"

"Come on, hermano, you were being obvious. Plus, me and [Name] share the same classes"

Camilo laughs when his twin brother crossed his arms and frowned at him. They shared the same room since five, they were wombmates! Camilo knew how Carlos behaved, and vice versa. He takes a sip of his apple juice.

"[Name] is a fantastic girl. If I were you, I would join her book club"

"...And why would I take advice from you?"

"I heard she was looking for one last club member to fill the spot, don't think you are her first option"

Camilo watched in amusement as all the color in his brother's face drains. Carlos gritted his teeth, he can't let it happen, he needed to join your book club before anybody else steals his place! So, at the end of the school day, Carlos went sprinting to the book club. He found you talking to one of your club members. He sucks in a breath and gently knocked on the door.

"Hey"

"Uy ikaw! Carlos, right?"

"Yeah, I was thinking if...if you have one last slot for me to join in"

"No way...you're joining the book club?!"

"Yeah..."

"Perfect! I would love to have you as my member!

Carlos was enjoying the beaming smile on your face as you excitedly welcomed him into the club and introduced you to the other members as well. All of a sudden, there was a knock on the door. Carlos' jaw dropped when he saw Camilo standing in the doorway, he watched you rush to him. Quietly, he listened to your conversation.

"Here are the papers for my brother's club application"

"Thank you! I'm not really in a rush in finding new members. I have plenty of slots left!"

What?!

"Ah, you see, mi hermano likes to read books so why not join your club, eh? Don't worry he's not gonna bash someone's head against the wall! I promise, he's a really cool guy to be with"

"Well, he has interesting taste in literature so..."

Carlos took a peek and saw the slight tint of pink on your cheeks, he looks at Camilo in the eye and found him mouthing a 'you're welcome' his way. He was conflicted if he wanted to punch or thank his twin brother.

Joining the book club was the best decision Carlos has made in his entire life. Surely it was because he gets to spend time with you and get to know you more. Weeks after joining the club, Carlos has grown closer to you. Finally, you gave him your number as you two spent the past few weeks chatting.

You would be more open to him, insisting on hanging out after school. Carlos loved to spend time with you alone, reading books. He learned to love your habits and the way you would sometimes speak to him in Tagalog. You two became incredibly close to the point you would invite each other over to introduce to your families. It was a bliss to know that both of your families are fond of you and Carlos.

You two did together almost everything. Having sleepovers, going to concerts, stargazing, and exploring local libraries. Carlos couldn't imagine it wouldn't get better than this until one night. He invited you over to his house for another sleepover. It was way past midnight and both of you were still awake. You just randomly looked at him across his bed with flushed cheeks.

"Carlos?"

"Yeah?"

"I like you, more than a friend"

Carlos merely contains himself as he crashes to the floor. He sits up and looked at you with owlish eyes, you avoided his gaze.

"It's okay if you don't feel the same, I just wanted to let you know..."

"[Name], I like you too. For a while now"

You gave him a bewildered expression before burying your face with a pillow. You have no idea how Carlos waited and wanted to tell that. You shyly glanced at him, fully blushing.

"Really?"

"Yeah. [Name] I...I don't really like reading but I saw you that day at the library and I knew I had to make you mine"

"Carlos, you're kidding"

"I'm not. I literally borrowed my mamá's books and read them all so I can impress you"

"Tangina Carlos pinapakilig mo buong internal organs ko!"

Carlos has no idea what you said but he's guessing that you're expressing how your feelings for him are true. Carlos wasn't a firm believer in romance he often read in books, but seeing the way you look at him now with those lovely eyes, he's on his way to believing.

"So, will you go out with me, [Name]?"

"Oo! Of course, Carlos!"

"Great, I want to know where the rest of ating nobela leads to"

taglist: @vanevafu, @irisia-ckzkb1109, @elegantkidfansoul, @candykamikun, @cahmilo, @pochi-moochika, @justzei, @try-cry-why-try...join here!

masterlist

[qierxing]

Obligations

Yan! Zhongli x Reader

Word Count: 2,837

How long can a man talk before he runs out of air?

Scratch that. How long can this man talk before you decide to strangle him?

"...as such, the rivers, plains, and mountains that are said to have been the remains of what is left of the dead gods remains…."

The intonation of Mr. Zhongli's voice nearly puts you to sleep at the ornate dining table, and if it weren't for the fact that you were at an esteemed establishment (even if you two were in a private room), you surely would've face planted and fallen asleep right there on the mahogany wood. But you don't, because it would be an insult to the very man (and the food) who invited you on this outing.

Mr. Zhongli is a respectable man and apparently, a good friend in your family's circles. Even though you've never met the man till now, even you're aware of his shining reputation; aunties giggling on how he's so charming and polite, cousins admiring his knowledge and strength, and other relatives likewise praising him to high Celestia and above.

And he is, you suppose, very handsome. His face is beautiful; high, defined cheekbones, molten amber eyes that glow warmly, pretty curved pink lips and nose to match. A good face, your auntie would say if she was here. An auspicious face.

“And that is how the geography of Liyue came to be...”

You're sure anyone in your position would be swooning over how his voice flowed like the trickling rivers that ran through Guili plains, but you just wished he would shut up at some point. Not even the delicious spread of food at the glass carousel wheel could distract from his tirade, and that was saying something.

Speaking of, why did he order so much food for only the two of you?

'In Liyue, you can always eat till you drop!' A saying that always echoed among the locals, and still holds true today. But even then, the intricately painted línglóng porcelain holding the remnants of steamed egg soup, roasted duck, squirrel fish, and more and more food, are way too excessive, even if he wanted to impress you.

You idly push around the Tianshu meat on your plate as he continues to drone on, wondering when you can politely excuse yourself without being rude.

-

"So, how was the dinner?" You internally groan as your mom's barely concealed excitement in her voice shows.

"Mama, we just sat there and talked." Well, Zhongli was the one doing most of the talking. But you weren't about to say that, not when you know a lecture awaits that answer.

"Isn't he a very handsome man?" Your mother's eyes gleam dangerously and a resigned sigh leaves your lips as she barrels on confidently. "Doesn't he seem like the perfect husband?!"

"Mama, it's ten in the morning…" What you wouldn’t give to eat your congee in peace.

"He is a respectable man, and quite knowledgeable to boot."

"Not you too, Baba!"

Your father merely chuckles as he continues reading the daily newspaper, and you roll your eyes as he continues chuckling behind the printed pages. Your mother swats at him to finish his porridge, turning to you with a frown on her wrinkled face. You brace yourself, knowing exactly what is coming next.

"[First Name], you're already of marriageable age, you should be looking for your future spouse! Your parents are growing old and when we die-"

"I will be perfectly fine without a husband." You cut her off, rubbing at your forehead. It was too early in the morning for this talk.

"Aiya, I don't want our only child to be by themselves! We will never know peace once we pass away, so much worry-"

You tune the rest of the lecture out, not even having the energy to refute her worries.

When you leave the house to take a walk, you meet the infamous Mr. Zhongli again.

"What a coincidence, I am also taking a walk to clear the mind. Would you perhaps like to join me?" And trapped by societal politeness, and the fact that this man did order you a three course meal the previous night, you agree.

So it's to your surprise that he does not immediately initiate dialogue as the both of you stroll leisurely through the stone gardens in Yunjin terrace, and a comfortable silence falls.

"You seem to have a lot on your mind." You turn to meet his gaze, and then away. Your frustration burns at you in the remainder of the morning's argument, but it dissipates at his concerned face. It is not his fault, you reason, that your mother wants you to court him for a possibility. For fortune. Despite the man's shortcomings, he is nothing but a gentleman.

"I don't want to pry but...I have heard that talking about your thoughts might ease your mind?"

You pause for a long time, breathing out your nose as you close your eyes.

"My parents want me to marry you." You've never been one to mince words, much to your mother's dismay at trying to teach you etiquette. "They think that you're a good match. And they're paranoid about me becoming a spinster."

There's silence for a moment and you open your eyes to not a face of disgust or shock, but rather one of musing.

"And you, [First Name]? What do you think?"

You turn your gaze to the water.

"Honestly? I don't know. I don't know you well enough to make that judgement. I know my parents are worried, but I don't want to get married for the sake of not being alone. I think it's rather selfish, to wish that solely for your partner."

The words tumble out of your mouth, one after another and you wonder how it is that it's easier to confess this to an acquaintance than your own parents.

"I was under the impression that people often like to pursue lasting romance in their lives. It's interesting to see this is not always true." Zhongli hums, hand coming to stroke his chin thoughtfully.

"Perhaps? I don't know. I've always been content with my friends." Shrugging your shoulders, you sigh. "Who knows? Maybe I have yet to meet the right person."

Zhongli hums again in response, seemingly in deep thought with a small frown pulling at his lips. A silence falls once again, and an awkward atmosphere falls upon the both of you.

"Oh yes, I never did thank you for the delicious dinner last night." You note offhandedly, half distracted by the swimming carp in the clear pond water. The water trails are hypnotic, and they help take your mind off the stressful morning you had.

"It was nothing. For my friend's precious child, that was the least I could do." He modestly replies, and you deadpan. It was nothing? A three course meal at Xinyue Pavillion, nothing? You know that squirrel fish did not have a low price tag.

"Regardless, I'm very thankful for your generosity." After all, not many tolerated your blunt, forthright personality, least of all the potential suitors your mother always brought before you. The memory makes you feel guilty at the irritation you had back then at the dinner. "The next time, I insist we have dinner at Wanmin--I've heard their black back perch stew is to die for. My treat."

He hums, and turns to you with a heartbreaking smile, a far cry from his previous countenance. "Is that a promise?"

You raise your eyebrow, "What are you, Morax? Yes, it's a promise, unless you hate fish, I guess."

His amused chuckles are soft but light a warm hearth in your heart.

-

Your mother is growing more daring than you remember.

She shoves you out the door as if you're some kind of fancy wrapped gift to offer to Mr. Zhongli, and there's a manic glee in her eyes as she eyes you and him standing together like a couple.

"[First Name] has been looking forward to this, haven't you, sweetie?"

The Liyuen hanfu she forced you into were a different cut than the modern cheongsam dresses of the current trends. Archaic, if you dare call it that. While some traditionalists still donned hanfu, it was not as common to see it in the streets. When she was shoving you in the under robes, she muttered about how it was something passed down in the family. Which explained a lot. These days, hanfu like this were something of a rich antiquity.

You sigh deeply, tugging your translucent pibo around you tighter as you decide to humor her, if only to get her to stop embarrassing yourselves and leave faster.

"Yes, quite."

Zhongli hums, and when you turn to face him, you're almost unnerved at how his eyes sharpen and scan over you, pupils slit like a dragon's. The moment is gone in a flash and he merely smiles at you gently before taking your hand in his gloved one.

"In that case, shall we get going?"

The nightlife of Liyue is in full swing and Zhongli tugs you closer, and there's something intimate in the way he presses you firmly into his side, the warmth he exudes sending pleasurable tingles down your body.

"Do forgive me for being so bold, [First Name]," He addresses you so tenderly, that you blush when you look back up from your joined hands, "You look absolutely radiant tonight."

How is it this man manages to say such an embarrassing thing so smoothly? What is his secret? He doesn’t seem like the playboys that often loiter around the downtown area of the harbor. You look away, unable to meet his eyes that reflect the lanterns and make his pupils glow.

"T-Thank you, Zhongli, you're too kind."

His eyes never seem to leave you, even when taking in the lovely scenery of Liyue at night. For the bright lanterns glitter and glow on the ocean waves, but his own pupils are glued to your being when you look in your peripheral.

“Is there something on my face?” Tearing your eyes away from the street in front of you, you turn to meet his gaze straight on.

He merely smiles.

“No.” He pushes a stray strand of hair behind your ear, the gesture innocuous, but leaving a burning trail where his finger tips touch your skin. “I believe we have arrived.”

Thankfully you can excuse the burning in your cheeks and neck away with the spices that the Li cuisine favors. If anyone asks, it was the black back parch stew making you look flushed and out of sorts. Never mind the fact that Chef Mao looks quite amused at the fact you’re sputtering in response to his cheeky questions about you showing up with a man to your favored restaurant.

When you look up from checking to make sure your hanfu didn’t get any stains, Zhongli is uncorking a white bottle and pouring it into your cups. At your questioning look, he replies, “Dàqūjiǔ. The Li technique ferments wheat for about two to three months. This one in particular, has a fine aroma after being fermented for a while.”

“Hoh…” You chuckle at his explanation, “You really do know everything.”

“Hardly. I cannot say I know as much as the regular scholar…nonetheless, to good fortune!”

Echoing his cheer, you raise your cup and drink.

The alcohol burns your throat, and you’re reminded of your low alcohol tolerance. Yet, your fellow friend refills your cup just as easily, and who are you to refuse him? By the time you’re on your fourth cup, your world is spinning and you’ve developed a headache.

“Ahaha…wow...everything...is...moving…” You slur incomprehensibly and slump onto the bamboo table.

“Oh dear, we best get you back. In this condition, you’re too vulnerable.”

“No way...if I go back with you...my mom….she won’t let me…!” You raise your head from the cool table, but the effort of doing that makes you groan.

Zhongli all too easily picks you up bridal style, and after bidding goodbye to Chef Mao with a hefty bag of mora, he walks down the now empty streets of Liyue.

“Won’t let you what, dear heart?” He hums, stroking your face gently with the pad of his thumb.

“Won’t let me...let...us...ugh…”

“[First Name], do you like me?”

“Mmh...yeah…” Is all he gets, but the stilted, jagged answer is enough for him. The content smile that breaks his face belies the haunting glow of his molten eyes.

-

When you step out of the door of your bedroom, you're accosted by your sobbing mother.

"Ma-Mama?! What's the matter?" You frantically ask, pushing at her shoulders.

"Oh my sweet child, oh I'm so happy for you! When were you going to tell me, you brat?!"

"Tell you what?!"

"That you're marrying Zhongli, sweetie! Oh, this is such a momentous occasion--"

You're too shell shocked that you do not hear her next words. What? Marry? Zhongli? What on Teyvat was going on--

"--Hurry up, he's waiting for you in the living room!" You're snapped out of your daze when you're ushered hastily into the room, casual robes and all, right in front of the very person you had so many questions for.

The door shutting behind you does not muffle the excited chatter from your parents and you wince when you hear your mother excitedly bantering with your father. Turning and meeting an intense gaze, you feel like you’ve stepped into an arena with a monster.

"Zhongli, why are my parents under the impression we're marrying?"

His golden eyes crinkle in delight at your blunt words, "Because we are, my dear heart."

D-Dear heart?!

"I don't understand."

"What is there not to understand?" You step back as he rises from the cozy armchair he was given. It only just occurs to you how ridiculously tall this man is, and he towers over you, like a mountain.

"I believe we share a mutual attraction. After all, last night only proved it." He leans over and you flinch as he gently cups your face with a small smile.

"We've only known each other for a couple days!" You protest, leaning your face out of his hands. His smile dips into a displeased frown, hands falling to his sides.

"Why need more time to prove what is already there?" He tilts his head. “If this is a matter about your dowry, I’m sure I can help--”

“This isn’t about mora! Zhongli, this is moving way too fast--”

“Is that so? If I’m correct, I believe that your family’s come upon some hard times, no?” And you’re left breathless, struck silent. “Not down to the pits, but just one little slip and...well, your father’s business is already taking loans, isn’t it?”

Your teeth are grinding so hard against each other to the point where it echoes in your head.

“Marry me, [First Name], and you won’t have to worry about any of that. After all, I’ve always had enough good fortune to share. Are you so willing to crush your parent’s hopes and dreams for their child?”

“I-” Your mother’s tears on her weathered face come to mind, wrinkles from stress deeply indented in her skin. Your father, weary, veiny hands covered in scars from hard manual labor, shoulders slumped from his strength sapping. And you realize with a bone chilling fear that this man, this man was threatening to destroy the very foundation of your life.

He smiles upon seeing your uncertain visage, gritted teeth, clenched fists and trembling body.

"You'll look beautiful in red and gold."

-

How numb you feel!

Having to sit there while being dressed, being fawned over by your cousins, cried over by your mother and aunties, and your father and uncles chuckling over your good fortune. All the while, you cannot bring yourself to bring even the fakest smile to your face, only being able to muster up a sheepish smile, but it is of no concern, as everyone seems to mistake it for a shy front for a person about to marry their true love.

At least that’s how your mother is spinning it to your giggling aunties. And even when the festivities are over, you know that this is not the end.

Bare fingers trace your cheeks and lift your veil as a chaste kiss is placed on your lips.

This was supposed to be a day of joy.

Said fingers begin to trail down your body, and more sobs begin to shake your body. When you think about it, this might be the first time you felt his skin touch your own. Zhongli has always dressed conservatively, even covering his hands with his gloves. Thinking about it longer makes your skin crawl.

This was supposed to be--

Zhongli hums appreciatively into your collarbone as he slips your wedding garb off your shoulders, your world collapses and dims, with only a haunting amber light as your guide.

[charliedawn]

What is their reaction when they find out that they may have grown attached to you ?

You know how Jason can be very insecure and self-conscious ? Well. Prepare for a whole new level. He will check himself in the mirror when you're not looking, and if he doesn't like what he is seeing ? He will smash the mirror and go in a corner to sit and move back and forth, to give himself some reassurance. He still remembers what his mother used to tell him.

" Persons are a nuisance, Jason. You don't need them to survive."

But then, why does he feel like he needs you ? He feels conflicted as to what to believe.

Super jumpy ! He will jump almost every time you touch him or lose his grip of the things he is holding, often ending broken and splattered on the floor. He would be as clumsy as Jason and would want you to spend more time with him. However, he would also be scared of you breaking his heart.

" I..I c..care.."

Like many of your patients, Brahms has trouble finding his words. At first, many thought he was mute, like Jason or Michael. This is why hearing him speak to you always means it is important.

" I..I care.."

He wants to say many things, how he cherishes every moment you spend together, how you make his heart race everytime you are near him or how he wants you to be by his side forever..But, he can't. He can just hope that what he feels can be expressed through eye contact. You may not understand what he wants to say, but you still try to understand. You put your hand on his and reply with a compassionate smile.

" I care about you too. You are a very good friend, Brahms.."

Did you just indirectly friendzone him ? Possibly..You walk out and Brahms sighs before sitting on his bed while hugging his doll to comfort him.

" You turn me on."

He will be absolutely frank about it. He will just step up and tell you in front of anyone. He doesn't give a damn if the others hear him as well. Also, creep alert, will watch you sleep. He will sneak in your bedroom in the middle of the night and just look at you sleep. He wants to touch you so bad, but he knows that that would wake you up. And he doesn't want that. He will just admire you from afar, even pretend that you may like him back. He would just want to get close to you, to look at you and wonder what you may be dreaming about..hoping that you are dreaming of him.

" Oh my sweet..You look so perfect when you sleep.."

Now..You know how Five is very serious about his relationship with Dolores ? Well, you better be prepared by lots of imaginary fights between the two of them, and even a break-up ! *gasp* Drama. He would be in a very bad mood and would scream and attack everyone that approaches his personal space. He would also smash everything in his room. Like, everything. So much that the other nurses would be too scared of him and ask you to handle it.

" Hey. Are you okay, Five ? Did something happen ?"

He would snort and look up at you with visible frustration.

" You happened. Dolores and I broke up. Not that she was one to share her feelings anyway."

You frown in incomprehension before asking with a small airy laugh.

" I don't understand, what does that have to do with me ?"

Your question seems to trigger a nerve and he suddenly stands up to look at you dead in the eye with anger and, somehow, pain..

" Everything ! You're too nice ! Too forgiving ! Too perfect ! You wiped our past as if it was nothing, goddammit ! We're serial killers, Y/N! We're monsters and you treat us as if we were..as if we were.."

He doesn't get to finish that sentence as he seems on the verge of tears. He jumps on his bed to sit and hide his face behind his knees. You seem to finally understand the problem and sigh before sitting next to Five.

" It's okay to have feelings, Five. You can't hide them forever. I'm sorry if it upsets you but, I don't think you're all that bad. Sure, you kill and even eat people. But, I've seen you change. You are a lot less violent and a few more months ? And I'm sure you'll be out of here in no time."

He looks up at you again with a sort of desperation, very uncharacteristic of Five, before finally asking in a tearful voice.

" What if..What if I don't want to go back ? Out there, I'm just a freak. But, here ? I got.."

He doesn't finish his sentence, but you guess what he is going to say and smile understandingly.

"..Friends ?"

He doesn't answer, he only suddenly hugs you tightly and hides his face in your skirt. You hesitate before slowly petting the top of his head affectionately. The gesture seems to relax him, but he quickly straightens up and wipes his tears away. He then stands up and apologizes.

" I..I'm sorry, it was highly inappropriate of me. I'll..I'll let you work."

Before you could say anything, he runs out of the room and leaves you confused and worried.

Lots of uncontrollable laughter. More than usual. He is very nervous when you're around him and sometimes cries while laughing, showing that he is deeply ashamed of his condition. He is very bipolar and will sometimes act very casually around you, only to break into tears when you leave the room. He will stare at you and turn his gaze away as soon as you would notice.

" Well, would you look at that ? Sir Sh*tty the clown seems to have a little crush on the nice nurse.."

Pennywise would tease him about it while Penny cackles behind him. Arthur glares at them both before either ignoring them or leaving the room.

No. Nope. Certainly not. He will try to hide from you. He knows very well what he is feeling, and also what happens to the people he feels this way towards. He just managed to get rid of his curse, he is not about to risk getting on a murder rampage again ! Every time he would see you, he would pretend to be busy or hide. One time, he even jumped out the window to get away from you. It is very odd since Michael is normally the most chill and calm out of all the patients. But one look at you ? And he becomes a panicking mess. He has to get away. He doesn't want to hurt you like he hurt everyone else close to him, like he hurt his family..

" Me ? Having feelings ? Ah !"

One word: denial. He doesn't want to hear about things like feelings. He saved you ? Bah. It was only because he was bored. He will deny everything, but still follow you and pop up out of nowhere to see what you're doing. He enjoys talking to you, even if he doesn't want to admit it.

" Pennywise..You're staring again."

Penny would gently warn him as his big brother would pretend to not have done such a thing.

" Can't an old clown appreciate to look at nice things sometimes ?"

Penny frowns, not understanding his big brother's words until Freddy intervenes by popping next to him with a huge grin.

" Let it go, kid. Your big bro is just too much of a chicken to go talk to her.."

Pennywise growls in annoyance at Freddy before raising his middle finger at him.

" F*ck off Freddy ! At least I don't watch her sleep like a total perv !"

That would result in a fight that you would have to break. Again..

" Pennywise..I think I'm sick.."

Pennywise would admit some day to Pennywise that would sigh in annoyance.

" Stop saying stupid sh*t. You know very well that we can't be sick."

But, upon seeing the devastated face of his brother, Pennywise sighs loudly before turning towards him to focus his whole attention on him.

" Fiiinnneee...Tell me."

Penny's mood seems to lit up as his brother seems to be willing to listen to him.

" OK, so it concerns the nurse, Y/N. Everytime they are near me, I feel things in my stomach, like a million kids were kicking me in there..Everytime they touch me, I feel as if a part of me in my chest is about to burst and I feel warm, very very warm. And then, I feel very very bad when they talk to anyone else..It's horrible. I want it to stop..Should I eat them ?"

Pennywise stays silent for a while before saying with an unusual straight face.

" Penny.."

He starts, but Penny starts panicking as he sees the sour look on his brother's face.

" Oh ! It's bad, isn't it ?! What is it ?! How long do I have ?!"

Pennywise rolls his eyes dramatically at his brother's exaggerated reaction before cutting him off in his worried questions.

" Shut up, you idiot ! You're not dying. You're just feeling.."things" for them."

Penny stops talking and frowns in confusion, his eyes diverging in deep concentration, as if trying to understand Pennywise's words.

" Things ?! What things ?!"

He finally asks with his eyes wide open in obvious loss and Pennywise face-palms himself before answering with a loud sigh.

" You're falling in love, you dumb f*ck !"

At the word, Penny's face freezes and his smile goes downwards as he realizes that his older brother is right.

" Oh, sh*t.."

He curses and Pennywise frowns, as Penny hates curses.

" Language ! I'm the only one allowed to use curses, remember ?!"

Penny nods before asking in a worried tone.

" How do I get rid of it ? I don't like it.."

Pennywise can't help but feel sorry for Penny, as he knew better than anyone that there was no turning back..

" I'm sorry kid. But if it's really love ? You can't..like I can't.."

Penny's eyes widen at his brother's confession.

" You..You..love her too ?"

Pennywise seems to realize what he just said and groans before walking away. He didn't want anyone to know, even though Penny is his brother. Penny understands the wish of his brother to be left alone and starts walking out in the garden to think over what his older brother said..Could it be ? Could he really be falling in love ?

Bonus : The deal

The Horde is blindfolded and dragged to another room where a man and a woman are waiting for them. At first look, he can already tell that this man is one of the unworthy. The unbroken. The weak..His interest is cut short and he then turns towards the woman sitting next to him. Now, this one was interesting..Her eyes betrayed a much deeper complexity and she had a scar running from her forehead to her left cheek that proved she was worthy.

" You..You are broken. Rejoice.."

The woman smiles, but before she could start talking, her partner does it for her.

" Mister Wendell Crumb, we have a mission for you."

But Kevin only grits his teeths at the man.

" You are impure..I want to kill you.."

The man arks an eyebrow, but ignores his threat.

" Fine. Whatever. But first, I want you to be my spy. We didn't get you out of this prison for nothing, mister Wendell Crumb. We want you to be our little spy in the facility. We want you to find out how a certain miss L/N managed to control the patients outside of the facility. Do that, and you'll be as free as a bird..Do we have a deal ?"

He frowns, they wanted him to spy on a nurse ? She must be quite special for them to go to such lengths, to use him as a spy..Yes, quite the unique prey. The Beast was already impatient and Kevin licks his lips before nodding.

" Fine, but on one condition. When you're finished with her, I get to eat her heart.."

The request seems to take the man aback, but it is the lady that Kevin is looking at. She smiles coldly before nodding in agreement.

" Deal."

Kevin finally smiles widely and can't help the excited giggle that gets out from deep within him. Then, the dark and low voice of the beast makes itself heard as the smile grows almost ferocious as he announces. .

" Let the hunt begin.."

[lannister-slings-and-arrows]

Chapter Two of See You in the Morning Time

The third in a Rafael Barba/Reader/Frederick Chilton threesome verse written in collaboration with @pascalispretty . Gif by @mrsrafaelbarba . Yep. We did this. Was it necessary? No. Did we enjoy it? Sometimes. Are you going to read it? I sure hope you do and that you like it! Cross posted to ao3!

Part Three of the series So Much Easier than You Realize

Chapter One: A Different Feeling Entirely Chapter Two: Show Me the New

Warnings: Frederick being an anxious (and sad. and repressed) little weenie, discussions of period typical homophobia, bi panic, completely invented backstory (you got on this ride folks lol), Rafael being surprisingly supportive, cuddling, and of course a little bit of teasing Rating: PG-13 Word Count: 2293 Summary: It's not often that Fred instigates anything with Rafael except an argument.

It’s late by the time Fred and Rafael finally make their way to bed. They shower and put pajamas on while waiting for the food to arrive and once they eat, they finish the bottle of wine that Fred had opened earlier and spend the rest of the evening chatting and watching some dumb movie on TV.

Lying in Fred’s bed in his borrowed clothes, Rafael can’t help but smile to himself. After weeks of skittishness from Fred he had finally made it past some of the walls that the doctor had put up. Fred curled close to Rafael while they watched the movie, dragging a blanket over the two of them and cozying up entirely unprompted.

When Fred comes out of the bathroom and flicks the lights off, he’s even more pleased that Fred doesn’t seem to hesitate to lie close to him in bed or reach out for his hand.

“Thank you for letting me stay,” Rafael murmurs, to break the silence more than anything. He hears Fred scoff.

“I was hardly going to kick you out as soon as we were done.” As best as he can, Rafael turns on his side trying to make Fred out in the darkness of the room.

“I know. I just wasn’t sure how you’d feel.” He’s not at his most eloquent or subtle, but he wants to acknowledge what happened between them. “You were… hesitant at first and I just want to make sure you didn’t feel like you had to do this. As of a few days ago you were still pretty clear that you were not comfortable with the two of us having sex.”

Rafael doesn’t want to force a confidence, but he feels like he has to make sure. He’s coming to care too deeply about the arrogant chronically awkward man next to him to just let this go with vague assurances. He hears Fred shift onto his back and wants nothing more than to drag him into his arms and kiss his stupid, conceited face, but he holds himself still and waits for Fred to answer him, giving him the space he clearly wants.

“This wasn’t as sudden as you think it was,” Fred assures him eventually, face still pointed at the ceiling. “I’ve been thinking about this since, you know, that first time.” Rafael can practically feel Fred’s blush from his side of the bed and grins. “And my reticence was never about you, you know that, yes?”

Rafael nods, realizes Fred probably can’t see him, and clears his throat.

“Yeah, I figured as much. I am, after all, a damn catch.”

Rafael yelps as Fred reaches out, faster than he thought was possible for a well-fed psychiatrist who sits behind a desk all day, and smacks him on the chest.

They’re quiet for a few minutes, together in the dark cocoon of Fred’s bedroom, before Rafael sighs. He can’t help but notice the similarities between the blank peacefulness of Fred’s minimalist design and the deliberately organized calm of a therapist’s office and wonders if he did that on purpose. Maybe it’s a natural inclination, he muses idly. It invites honesty. The sharing of secrets.

“I’m only eighteen months younger than Benn, you know,” Fred says eventually, and it’s so unexpected that Rafael finds himself frowning a little in confusion. “All the way through school, I was Bennett Chilton’s younger brother; just the little brother of the handsome quarterback that everyone adored.” Rafael has seen photos of Bennett, tall and painfully handsome. He can see that it might have been hard to grow up in that shadow.

“He came out when he was sixteen, and I was fourteen. And I’m sure you can imagine what that was like at an all-boys Catholic school in Virginia in the eighties.” Rafael winces in the dark. He remembers well enough the attitudes in his own high school, in marginally more liberal New York. He can’t imagine what it must have been like in a place without a visible community to look up to.

“People were mostly smart enough not to say anything to Benn’s face--he was a six foot two starter who never backed down from a fight, they would have had to have been stupid--and our parents were supportive. But the things people said about him behind his back--” Fred shudders, an involuntary shiver that makes Rafael want to wrap his arms around him and never let go.

Instead, he just squeezes Fred’s hand reassuringly and waits for him to continue. For someone who has trouble shutting up at the very best of times--staying silent isn’t Rafael’s forte--he is doing an admirable job tonight. His desire to prove he’s worthy of this unexpected vulnerability from Fred is more than enough to keep him quiet. Rafael is desperate to know more, to know everything about Fred; about what makes him tick, about why he was so reticent, so reserved, when clearly this is something that he enjoys.

“It was awful. The kind of things you never want to hear about somebody you love. And I was hardly in any position to be giving out bloody noses or black eyes whenever someone called him a fag, or made some crack about AIDS.” Rafael shifts slightly nearer, still not saying anything. He smiles to himself when he feels one of Fred’s hands reach up to rest on Rafael’s hip.

“I was a short, scrawny child--I spent a lot of time in the hospital and home sick--and I couldn’t afford to give the other boys in my school one more reason to pick on me so I just… didn’t say anything. I’m not proud of it, but it’s not like Benn had any trouble sticking up for himself. I doubt he would have appreciated anyone stealing his opportunity to get into one more fight anyways.”

Rafael covers the hand Fred has on his hip with his own, deciding now is not the time to joke that he can’t ever imagine Fred as scrawny. Fred clears his throat again and continues in the same calm, rehearsed manner. Like this is something that he witnessed happening to someone else.

“It wasn’t long after that that I had my own month of absolute pure terror and confusion. It was one of Bennett’s teammates from the swim team that actually sent me over the edge. His name was Bobby and he was gorgeous. He had never made any jokes about Bennett, never joked about changing somewhere else in the locker room. He was a little stupid, I can admit that now, but back then I thought he was perfect. I worshipped my brother and this pretty boy clearly did the same.

“Well, I was horrified. Up until then I had been fully and completely in love with a girl I had known practically since infancy. Was all of that a lie? Was being gay genetic? Was Billy going to go through the same thing? It took me a whole month before I had the guts to ask Bennett and I nearly stabbed him with our father’s letter opener when he laughed at me.”

Rafael winces again, knowing how touchy Fred is now, a grown adult well-respected in his professional field and still a little obsessed with slights, perceived and real. Fred huffs, forcing any trace of bitterness out of his voice.

“He told me that you can like girls and boys at the same time and that I should go see if I still liked jerking off to pictures of Jennifer Connolly.” Rafael isn’t able to suppress his snort.

“I always liked Carrie Fisher,” he tells Fred, smiling over at him.

“You would, you pervert,” Fred shoots back. “Probably loved that bikini, didn’t you?”

“I think I’ll plead the Fifth on that one.”

Fred shakes his head and sighs deeply.

“Well, naturally, that was enough humiliation for me for one afternoon and so I threw a throw pillow at him and bolted for my room.”

“Did you jerk off to Jennifer Connolly?”

“Rafael, I can still kick you out of this apartment.”

“Sorry.” Rafael is silent for all of twelve seconds before he asks again, “Come on Fred, I’ve got to know; did you?”

“...Maybe,” Fred reluctantly admits. Rafael laughs and squeezes his hand.

“Moving on from your prurient obsession with my teenaged masturbatory life,” Fred says pointedly, managing to sound arch, offended, and haughty all at the same time. “I contemplated for a while what Benn had told me. A long time actually--that percolated in my brain all throughout the rest of high school. I only ever dated girls, I ignored it completely every time I was even remotely attracted to another boy, but I kept thinking about that. Not only did I have a lifelong conviction that if Bennett said it it must be so, but it just sort of felt right, you know?”

Rafael nods, remembering a similar feeling he had when he was younger. Despite what the other boys in his neighborhood said about “queers”, despite what the Church said, and despite what he knew his father would do to him if he heard Rafael’s thoughts, he was what he was and that was that. Fuck anyone who said different, he remembered thinking. It’s not like he could change it, even if he wanted to.

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” he answers when it’s clear that Fred requires some encouragement to continue. Fred twines his fingers with Rafael’s before carrying on.

“I lived with Benn in college. Our father bought him an apartment in Cambridge the day he got his acceptance letter from Harvard, and it only seemed logical that I’d move in once I got accepted too. And, I don’t know. It was a little easier there.” Rafael thinks he grimaces, but it’s hard to tell in the dark.

“It has been a while though, since I’ve indulged. And I've never participated frequently.” Every word seems like it’s forced out of Fred’s mouth.

“All this to say, Rafael,” Fred murmurs, inching closer across the sheets, “Is that the problem was never you.”

Rafael gathers him into his arms this time. Fred goes willingly, releasing a heavy, shaky breath and clearly relieved to not be talking about this anymore.

“I know,” Rafael reassures him. “I know it wasn’t me. I was just… I don’t know. I was worried.” He smiles, giving Fred another squeeze. “You’re a delicate little flower Freddie, I want to make sure I don’t trample all over you.”

“Get out of this bed this instant.”

Rafael laughs and they settle down to sleep.

***

The three of them celebrate in Rafael’s tiny Brooklyn apartment when Fred returns from Baltimore. He insists that he wants to cook and, though he had his doubts about his equally minuscule kitchen, manages to turn out an incredible ropa vieja. His mother would be proud.

When the empty plates are discarded on his coffee table, stacked haphazardly and waiting to eventually be washed by whoever loses the inevitable game of ‘who had the harder day’, Rafael sinks back into the couch and smiles benignly basking in the praise of the two of them and their company. Four days is starting to become too long to go between times when they’re all together and though he wants to frown at the unpleasant feeling of missing the both of them when they aren’t around he loves it a little bit as well. Every other wandering thought was of the two of them and he can’t deny that it's nice to feel these first desperate stirrings of a relationship again.

“I don’t know how you made all of that, Rafael. I’m pretty sure my cousin Caroline had a bigger kitchen in her dollhouse.” Fred surprises him when he leans closer to Rafael, snuggling contentedly against him. Rafael had told the third of their little trio that he and Fred had finally slept together--hiding things in a threesome was the quickest way to hurt feelings. Everyone was going to eventually do things without everyone involved and it’s best to just let that out in the open--but he hadn’t expected Fred to offer such casual affection so freely.

Rafael catches her looking at the two of them with a soft smile on her face and returns it with one of his own. She hid it well but she was a little disappointed during their FaceTime when he had warned her that Fred might not be overly demonstrative yet. Rafael knew she felt a little--guilty wasn’t the word she would use, he knew, if he could ever get her to talk about it--uncomfortable about how much more open Fred was with her than he was with Rafael. He loves how hard she tries to remind him that Fred is just anxious, cautious, a little scared. Rafael is a grown man and doesn’t need his hand held, but the fact that she tries to anyways makes his heart feel like it’s growing through his ribcage sometimes.

When Rafael looks back down at Fred he looks like he’s about to fall asleep with his head nuzzled against Rafael’s shoulder. He would describe it as endearing until Fred moves one of his hands high onto Rafael’s thigh. Rafael smirks.

“All it took was one night and he’s already falling for me,” he says to her in a stage whisper. Fred is unfortunately still awake enough to jab Rafael in the ribs, settling down only after the air is knocked out of Rafael’s lungs with an “oof”.

“As long as you remember to invite me to the wedding,” she teases. Rafael watches her duck admirably as Fred throws a cushion at her head.

“You’re supposed to throw a bouquet at me, not a pillow!”

[literaticat]

So I've been struggling to get published for years. I've come close a few times and gotten short stories published, but still not my novels. A friend of mine just decided to write a book one day and because they know an editor, they told them they'd give them a shot with a multi-book digital only deal, no agent. I admire them for finishing the books and am delighted for them, but I can't help feeling it's not ... fair? It's like nepotism or something? How common is this and how to not resent it?

(I'M SORRY THIS IS THE LONGEST THING IN THE WORLD!)

Last part first: Does "nepotism" happen? Sure... kinda.

This writing world is a small one, and it's very much built on relationships. Editors and agents are friends, and we are friends with writers, too, who very often are friends with one another. Through work, yes, but personally as well. And, we are all deeply invested in Book World, so naturally we gravitate toward other people who also love books, have hobbies and interests in common, etc etc.

I was friends with some editors before I was ever an agent, and when I became an agent, some of those editors bought books from me. Now I'm friends with LOTS of editors, and they buy books from me. Creating and cultivating relationships is a big part of the agent's job! Is that nepotism? Nope.

It happens all the time, in so many different ways. Part of being in Book World is networking with all those buddies who love books, right? So here's a situation: Let's say somebody in your critique group gets an opportunity to do a work-for-hire book. The editor needs another writer, and asks your friend about it. They recommend YOU. Is that nepotism? Nope.

I have a client whose childhood bestie is now an editor (and bought one of her books!). I know kids book editors whose parents are author-illustrators, and they have ended up publishing some of their books. I have taken on old friends as clients, and sold their books, too. Could any of those be considered nepotism? Maybe... BUT...

But the thing is, in all those cases - the books still had to be great. The books I'm selling to editors have to be great, regardless of what my relationship is with those editors. Creators who "know somebody" MIGHT get their email read a bit faster -- but they still have to do all the real work of writing, revising, etc.

Do you have to "know somebody" to get published? HECK no. It's much more common that an author knows absolutely nobody when they start out.

Usually, they start by cold-querying and then signing with an agent, and the agent knows people, and then, guess what, boom, all of a sudden, the author does too. (That's definitely not nepotism - that's just how it works!)

So in your friend's case, again, while her knowing the editor may well have given her the seed of the idea to even write a book, and probably DID get her email read faster... it probably WASN'T the reason her book got picked up.

On to the specifics of the case, based on the scanty information provided:

-- You don't indicate what kind of a "deal" this even was. Was there an advance? If there was no advance, or a pittance, then it sounds to me like your friend's editor buddy was investing in this project in a pretty low-stakes way; after all, there's no skin off the editors nose if these books fail and your friend makes zero dollars total.

-- I saw your addendum saying you haven't read the material, so -- for all YOU know, there's every possibility that these books/concepts/whatever are ABSOLUTELY AMAZING and that actually you should feel BAD for your friend because they went with a digital-only deal with no agent, when possibly they could have sold their AMAZING book(s) in an auction and made a grip of money.

-- It also sounds like your friend might be breezily characterizing her situation as "just decided to write a book one day, haha, it's nothing" in order to minimize it her hard work, because (as a lot of authors do!), she feels weird, like she's either a try-hard or bragging / a show-off or something else, or she doesn't want to make you feel bad so she's sort of denigrating herself.

-- You say that your friend did indeed "finish the books" -- so it sounds like they put in a fair amount of work. Even if they haven't been struggling for years, as you put it, you of all people should know that finishing MULTIPLE books is no walk in the park!

At the end of the day, getting eaten up by jealousy does nothing healthy for you, or your career, or your relationship with your friend. You just have to realize that every writer's path is going to be completely different, and somebody else's success has literally zero bearing on your own future success. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Keep your eyes on your own paper!

[alliterative-albatross]

So, I sent you (@disgruntledspacedad) a pretty long ask a while ago (back when you had anon on) and I'm decently sure Tumblr ate it (or maybe you ignored it, in which case, feel free to ignore this one as well). But then I saw one of those "writers appreciate feedback no matter how long" posts, so I'm back here. Here is my mediocre attempt to rewrite my original review of your work. Bear in mind that English is not my first language, so if at any point my phrasing sounds weird to you, you know why. Mandatory disclaimer/apology: this might get a little too long 😅

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

I remember being SO mad at myself for not finding this sooner. I binge read it one afternoon with no thoughts for any real life responsibilities I might have had (and no regrets). Javiears is one hell of an unconventional relationship in the beginning, and I really love what you did with them. The whole premise of your story is quite refreshing, and you somehow manage to convey the trust and mutual respect there two feel for one another without explicitly showing us the beginning of their "entanglement".

Also, fuck you for what you did to poor Emilio, that man was a saint and he deserved better! I honestly can't believe that I got so attached to a character that appeared so little in the story, but it happened, and his death kind of broke my heart.

But the Javiears reunion + mild confession was lovely, and felt completely deserved. And of course the sex scene. I won't lie, I expected a bit better from Javi there, but I did like how utterly /human/ it was. Capturing that humanity, the imperfections in each character is something you're really good at (more on that later).

AFTERSHOCKS

Ah, my emotionally constipated babies who really need to work out their communication issues. I do love them, though. And this short series did a really good job of delving a bit deeper into Ears's and Javi's psyche. Kudos to you for dealing with the medical "aftershocks" of living through an explosion AND using that experience to move your emotional plot forward. These two need to grow a lot before they can get to a stable point in their relationship, and you really manage to convey their insecurity and fear of commitment/intimacy while making it clear that they're in it for the long run and that theirs is a relationship that WILL work out so help them God.

IF I FALL

Ouch. Punch me in the gut while you're at it, why don't you?

But seriously, "If I Fall" is SO FUCKING GOOD. Don't get me wrong, it's angstier than an image of Jesus on the cross (don't judge me, it's Holy Week and I just got home from accompanying my grandma to church), but it somehow works beautifully. You, my dear, play heartstrings like they're a fucking guitar and I AM HERE FOR IT.

You're doing an amazing job at making me feel everything these characters are feeling, which is both awful (bc pain) and impressive.

Also, if anything happens to Ana I will cry, because she is adorable and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also, if anything happens to Ears I will cry, because she is badass and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also also, if anything happens to Javi I will cry, because he is loving and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Basically, I am really invested in the well-being of these characters and can't wait until they're happy and safe again (please tell me they will be, my heart can't handle much more pain).

A quick note on the angst complaints: yes, this story is way angstier than most other fics out there and it can be a bit too much at times, especially considering how many chapters of pain it's been. BUT it's obvious that "If I Fall" NEEDS this amount of angst to get where it's going, to send the message it wants to and to properly develop its characters. The pain is as important to this story as flour is to bread. You may not like eating flour on its own (I don't think anyone does), but you love bread (because bread is amazing) and you must recognize that bread NEEDS flour to work. It wouldn't be bread otherwise. And eating the flour as part of the bread even makes you like the flour because the bread is just DELICIOUS.

I fully understand and sympathize with the people who have elected to table "If I Fall" until it's completed so they can binge read it knowing there's a happy ending in sight, but in case you're feeling a bit self conscious about all the angst, please know that your story is beautiful not in spite of the pain, but rather /because of it/.

PS: No, I'm not high/drunk, I just really like bread

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Silly thing to comment on, I know, but I do feel like it's important that you know how useful your ANs have been. There are many details in the story that I simply wouldn't fully get without reading your comments at the end of each chapter, and I appreciate your writing a hell of a lot more knowing how deeply you understand and care for each one of your characters. Plus, it is obvious how much work you've put into researching a country and a time period that are (from what I gather) unfamiliar to you, and I really do believe you've done an amazing job of it.

JAVIER PEÑA

My boy. I love your characterization of this complicated character, and I have eagerly read each and every one of your headcanons about him. I can't really say if your version is fully faithful to the source material because it's been a while since I saw Narcos, but your Javi most definitely reads like a real person. He's fairly consistent as a character, and I feel like everything he does is perfectly natural for him to do as a character. He makes for an unconventional yet deeply interesting romantic lead, and so far I have thoroughly enjoyed all his POV chapters/scenes.

OCs

I know you've gotten some flack for making her into an OC halfway into the story, and while I get why the sudden change may have felt like a disappointment for some, I don't share that sentiment. I firmly believe that this fandom is unfairly harsh towards Original Characters and their creators, and I don't really understand why. Listen, I love Reader fics, and consume many Reader fics. I have read dozens, maybe even hundreds, and I can safely say that I've only ever "inserted" myself in approximately 10% of those stories. Reader characters are not as blank as their writers may want them to be. They can't be. They're characters, and character have personalities and moral values and senses of humor and a bunch of other things. Reader characters may not have a backstory or a physical description attached (and even that's not guaranteed), but they're still characters.

And on a more personal note, pretending they're actual blank slates is naive at best and insensitive at worst. Reader characters are American coded 99% of the time, and white coded 95% of the time. Not every readers is white nor American, even if that's the predominant demographic on Tumblr. When I read a JavixReader fic about a woman who speaks exactly zero Spanish, I know she's not me. The story may be beautifully written and have an amazing plot and character development, but the Reader *isn't me*. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and some of my favorite xReader stories feature a "reader" who couldn't be more different from me, but it's something that enemies of OC fics should take into account. Particularly if they are white and/or American. But I digress.

HANNAH AARONS

Your character is amazing. She's strong, smart, confident, independent and an all-around badass. She gets kidnapped while pregnant and still focuses on problem solving and survival. But she's also overly guarded and mistrustful, and really needs to work on her communication skills. There are times when I absolutely love her and even admire her, and other times when I want to whack her with a slipper. She's no Mary Sue, but remains interesting and likeable throughout the story. She feels wholly human and real, and that's no easy task. I like her, I am invested in her, and I can't wait to see what's next for her. She's a compelling and three dimensional protagonist in a complex story who never fails to draw me in. I love her. She's your baby, and you should be proud of her.

Also, quick question about personality types: I know you've typed Javi as ESFP and Ears as ENTP (100% agree on both, btw), but have you given any thought to their enneagram types? I personally have always seen Ears as being somewhere on the thinking triad, maybe a 7 or even a 6w7, but I'm not too sure about Javi. 9w8 maybe? He could also be a 6w5 🤔

PARTING THOUGHTS

Basically, I love your story, your characters and your writing in general. You are a fantastic storyteller and wordsmith. You get into the heads of incredibly different characters personality-wise (Ears, Javi, Berna...) and manage to capture all of their complexities and quirks every single time. And it doesn't feel like it's something innate for you either. To me, it seems that you have put a lot of work and effort into understanding each and every one of your characters, who they are, why they do what they do and what they want. And let me tell you, all that effort has been more than worth it. "Better Love" is a fanfic, but it wouldn't be out of place in a regular bookstore, if I'm honest. I don't know what you do for a living or if you've ever considered writing professionally, but you clearly have the skills and the drive to create some masterpieces.

You are amazing and your writing is a gift. Thank you for sharing it with us, and have a nice day! ~ 🍪

~

My friend, I apologize for hoarding your first ask. I’ve been sitting on it because I’m not gonna lie, I enjoy going back and rereading it. It gave me a lot of comfort when I was in a pretty dark place, both personally and in regards to my writing, and I was reluctant to send it out into the the abyss of Tumblr where I might never see it again. 

That’s not fair, though. You put just as much effort into sending me that review as I put into my writing, and I apologize for never responding to you.

Okay, anyway, so twice now, you’ve made me cry. In a good way, I promise! 

I absolutely love your bread/flour metaphor. It made perfect sense. I want the emotional release of Javi and Hannah’s reunion to be earned, and in order to do that, the angst has to come first (there are also a few plot “ingredients” that have yet to make their appearances). Thank you very much for understanding that, and for voicing it so eloquently.

I appreciate your comments on my research and characterization. You’re correct that I’ve put a lot of time and effort into crafting a universe. In a lot of ways, I’m doing my best to stay true to the source material (regarding culture and timelines in particular), and in others, I’m branching into my own territory. 

On that note, I’ve never once regretted fully embracing Hannah Aarons’ identity as an OC. She’s stayed consistent in my mind from the beginning, and it was a relief to finally share my vision of her with the audience. And for the record, I totally agree with you regarding “reader” characters. Every reader insert echoes the perspective of their author, no matter how vague the physical description. I can only imagine how grating that must be from the perspective of a non-white, non-american reader. Thank you so much for sharing your insight! I will certainly keep it in mind the next time I write a “reader insert” fic.

Okay, enneagrams! I am much less familiar with enneagram than I am MBTI, but I agree 110% that Javi is a 9 with a strong 8 wing. I waffled back and forth on Ears a little, but eventually landed on 8w7 for her. It came down to the eight’s deepest fear, which is being controlled. That’s Ears all over, and the fact that she and Javi share that eight willfulness means that they might butt heads a little, which also seems very appropriate for them. Big thanks to @remusstark for her insight into the eight frame of mind - our conversations helped solidify my decision on this. :)

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. The big take-away point that I want you to get is that I am so, so grateful to you, both for your insightful feedback and your dedication in making sure that I actually saw it. You are an absolute gem and a deep thinker, Cookie-Anon, and if you ever feel like sliding into my DM’s, I’d welcome the opportunity to get to know you better.

Mad love and soft hugs, 

~ Jay