#ARE YOU KIDDING ME WRONG FUCKIN ACCOUNT AGAIN

[eebie]

man

[manicrouge]

Christmas Comfort

[ꜱɪᴍᴏɴ ʀɪʟᴇʏ x ꜰ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ]

[ᴅᴀᴛᴇ ᴘᴏꜱᴛᴇᴅ]: 25/12/23 (REPOSTED: 09/02/24)

[ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ]: After Johnny's death and a failed mission, Simon returns home to his girlfriend.

[ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ]: 3.3k

[ᴛᴡ]: hurt/comfort, angst, a somewhat happy ending (it will never be fully happy without soap I am sorry) possible mw3 spoilers (if you have been living under a rock please avoid)

[ᴀ/ɴ]: THIS IS A REPOST !! I've had few issues with shadowbans and have moved accounts a few times (tumblr thought I was a bot). I want all of my stories to be on the same blog so I apologise for the repost.

ANYWAY !! ENJOY !!

Christmas this year is going to be tough.

You know it from when you open the door to him on Christmas Eve. 

Time has passed, he hasn’t been home for months and you were starting to convince yourself that it’s going to be years before you ever see him again.

When you were talking on the phone earlier, sometime during the middle of November, he had made a comment that he wasn’t going to come back home until he had made sure he had the pleasure of declaring that the enemy that had murdered his best friend was officially gone for good. While your chest tightened at his comment, you had nodded along and assured him that they would catch Makarov eventually; there were only so many places one man could hide before he’d revert back to familiar ground. 

You feared the same for Simon at that moment. In fact, even with him home safe, you still do.  

Of course, you would never say that to his face.

Despite his capability in combat, however, you often find yourself awake at night wondering just how capable he was when it came to processing and dealing with loss. Had he done what you assume he has done, he was most likely going to run from it instead of addressing it. Problems will build up and up until they came tumbling down. It’s a simple thought to construct during the late nights you have been spending alone since the news of what had happened to Johnny had found its way to you. Just as such a thought is easy to construct, you find that another one comes to you quicker than the former: where would Simon be when the building he’d constructed over the years fell to pieces? 

There were only so many places he man could hide before he’d refer back to familiar ground. Even if said ground was crumbling around him. Maybe in his misery, he would find solace in falling to his doom with the chunks of shattered earth surrounding him.

If that assessment is wrong, it doesn't matter; your brain has decided it before your heart even gets a say.

You have very little to go off of concerning with how he dealt with loss, the occasional comment about his mum was enough for you to know that he wasn’t the type to completely forget about a loved one. 

He's vague about his past. The less said about it the better. 

‘You keep pawing an’ clawing at my brain like a damn puppy,’ he said, trailing his hands through your hair. You were guilty, for sure you were. Curiosity was sure to be the death of you in that regard. He’d let small facts slip on occasion, although, you knew his accidental slip ups were most definitely intention. 

Of course, Simon Riley was no fool.

’Just tell me something,’ you begged, ‘like… I don’t know, what was your favourite food to eat at Christmas when you were younger? Ooo, I bet it was something like liquorice. You’d so make your nan pissed by robbing all the good shit out of the sweet tin.’ You laughed at the thought of a tiny Simon Riley climbing on top of a chair, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he attempted to snatch the sweet, sweet treat of liquorice. 

‘Are you fuckin’ kidding me?’ he scoffed, ‘actin’ like I’m an old man doll,’ he snorted, ‘stop tryin’ to pester me f’r memories you have no business viewing.’

‘Is it illegal to be curious now?’ you asked with a playful smile. It was silent for a moment, and you lifted your head in an attempt to find his eyes in the darkness.

‘Yes, it is,’ he said, ‘you don’t wanna know me from the past, love,’ he huffed, ‘doesn’t matter now.’

‘You won’t even tell me what your favourite food was during Christmas?’ 

‘No,’ he reverted back to the same Simon you had seen when Johnny had been talking his ear off during the rare nights out you had had with 141. ’Now go t’ sleep, gonna be tired in the morning if you keep rambling on. My ears are burning with ya, doll,’ he teased, wrapping an arm around your waist, pulling you firmly against his chest. 

Despite everything telling you to pull away from him, you maintained your closeness, the warmth of him far too appetising to refuse. Exhaling deeply, you rested your head against the pillow, staring straight at the wall in front of you. Your heart hurt at the very thought that he cared so little about his past that he fought to keep everything from his earlier life away from you. Even the smallest things. Of course, you would never had pried him, only the few passing comments in hopes for him to slip up as he had done a few times before. 

Another hard sigh escaped you as you close your eyes. He shifted behind you, resting his head against your shoulder. You thought nothing of his sudden movement; it wasn’t uncommon for him to do so while you were sharing a bed together. Only, he turned his head, his breath ghosting your ear. Inhaling, he swallowed hard. ‘Mum used to make us roast dinners,’ he whispered, ‘used to always slap my hand away whenever she was cooking cause I used to always rob the pigs-in-blankets while she was still getting dinner ready.’

A small laugh passed your lips as you turned in his hold, placing your hand against his cheek with a cheeky grin. He stares back, blue gaze gutting through the darkness, slicing your soul to pieces.  ‘Now, will y’ stop huffin’ and puffing and just go to sleep?’ He asked, placing his hand over yours. 

‘Soundly, Lt.’

Even behind the mask, you could sense the sadness, the loss. A flurry of emotions hits you when you first see him after what has happened. What can you say to him? Anything other than I’m sorry seems to be an insult to him and to the memory of the man that is sure to haunt him.

The mask hides his face, but it never hid his eyes, his tired and war-weary eyes. It's a brutal sight to see the man who had put the fear of God through you when you had first met reduced to this crushed soul. 

‘Simon,’ you say after a while of the pair of you just standing there, staring at each other. For a brief moment, it felt as though you had opened the door to a stranger instead of your boyfriend. Lifting his head, his Adams apple bobs beneath his balaclava as he steps forward. You take a step back, letting go of the edge of the door. Still, he doesn't speak, only standing there, observing you. ‘I thought you said you weren’t coming home until—‘

‘Don’t wanna talk about it,’ he answers, closing the door behind him.

His clothes are branded with the stench of war, and you take note of his bloodshot eyes. Has he been crying? You thought it impossible for such to be the case, he’d do no such thing. But, when he shakily inhales, grabbing the edge of his balaclava, your stomach dropped.

‘Place looks nice,’ he says, though his eyes don't leave you, ripping his mask from off of his face, shoving it into of his cargo pants. His words were shaky despite the stoic expression on his face. ‘You been alright?’

You look at him with wide eyes. ‘I- uh- yeah, yeah, just sorting out last minute things for Christmas,’ you answer, ‘how about you go and get a shower, get changed into some fresh clothes? I’ll make you something to eat—‘

‘Not hungry,’ he answers frankly, ‘appreciate the offer, doll, but I think I’m just gonna go straight to bed,’ he says. All the moisture in your mouth disappears and you’re forced to swallow a dry mouthful of air as you look up at him. 

‘Right,’ you nod, ‘I- I’ll be up right after you, just gonna turn everything off down here,’ you say.

He doesn’t answer you after that, dropping his duffle bag down on the ground by the front door as he traipses up the wooden steps of your home. The garland wrapped around the bannister winks at you as you watch Simon walk up the stairs, almost mocking you for ever think it was a good idea to decorate.

The entirety of your house is wrapped like a Christmas present, reds, greens, colourful lights- everything. Whether it was the right thing to decorate or not, you choose not to focus on it too much as you rush around the house, switching off the decorations and the lights, leaving the washing you had been doing on the counter in the kitchen. 

All of it can wait. But he can’t. 

So, with such a thought in mind, you busy yourself with your plan. What is included in that plan can be decided as you’re walking through the house, back to the staircase you have just seen your poor boyfriend walking up.

Jogging up each step, you decide that ultimately, everything that has happened in the past few months with be something he will not be willing to discuss with you; he made it clear when he walked through the door. Don’t push him on it.

When your foot hits the last step, you nod to yourself as you consider what you would do if he did want to talk to you about it. If he wants to talk to you about it, then you rejoice in his openness. But it isn’t necessary for him to have your undying support. No matter what he decides, ultimately, your heart is never going to fail on him. 

Before heading into your bedroom, you gulp when you feel your phone buzz in your pocket. Pulling it out of your pocket, your eyes scan over the message, a shallow exhale escaping your lips. 

Mum <3: Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. made sure to grab extra pigs-in-blankets incase Simon decides to appear sometime. Love you xx

Begrudgingly, you stare down at the message before looking at the bedroom door. From beyond it, you can hear the running water in the shower and all you can think about is him. So, with a deep breath, you look back down at your phone and begin to type. 

From ‘me’: Slight change of plans but I don’t think we’re going to be able to make it there tomorrow. Simon’s just got home and he’s not good. Don’t think socialising is what he needs right now. Sorry, I love you xx

Choosing has never been easy, yet, when you pushed open the bedroom door and saw his clothes sitting on the bed the pair of you share, you decide that that choice was the easiest one you have ever made in your life. It isn’t a sacrifice when it is necessary. At least, not when it comes to Simon at least. 

--

‘I’m not going home tomorrow,’ you tell him when he walks out of the bathroom. Part of you feels bad for bombarding him with something as soon as he walks out, but the affirming text from your mother causes your heart to swell, and when you see him again, it bursts. His hair is damp and he pulls his face out of the towel with a surprised look. His scarred cheeks are branded with a subtle red tinge from the heat exuding from the bathroom. The heat works well to melt his features just enough for him to mould them into a dissatisfied sneer. ‘I don’t wanna fight you on this, Si.’

‘You can’t cancel on your family,’ he says, approaching his dresser. ‘Not right. I don’t want you to do that for me,’ he continues, grabbing a t-shirt, pulling it over his head. ‘Go spend time with them, am fine here.’ 

‘I already told my mum,’ you say, ‘she’s fine with it,’ you quickly reassure, far too aware that he very well may be a ticking time bomb.

Oddly, you request of not fighting on it seemingly works as he looks over his shoulder at you. There is simply no fight left in Simon Riley anymore, you conclude it from the way he shrinks as he exhales, padding up to the bed. It was as though he had left the house as a grenade left the hands of a soldier. Upon his return, the body of what made him him: his danger, his determination, and his strength had all been lost and you find he has been reduced to the pin pulled from the grenade. 

Looking up at him, you find that it is up to you if you’re going to discard it or keep it as a keepsake.

Pulling the edge of the duvet, you pat the side of the mattress, ‘c’mon,’ you say gently. He doesn’t wait to climb into bed beside you, resting his weary head against the pillow. It’s as though someone is pressing down on his chest as he heaves a sound unlike anything you have ever heard. Exhaustion was clear, but grief was easier to identify in his eyes. Leaning over, you turn the lamp on your beside off, trying your attention to him, lying on his side. 

There’s nothing to say. Not to him, not for him, not for yourself. You just lay there and stare at him hoping something will come to you. Anything said will be a bittersweet lullaby, you’re convinced. Nothing is going to put him to sleep. ‘Your minds running; faster than mine, sweetheart,’ he says. His eyes are closed when you look at his face. ‘Don’t want you doin’ stupid things ‘cause of me.’

‘Nothing is stupid when it comes to you, Si’,’ you weakly state.

At this point, you heart is racing, your tongue tangled as you contemplate every single word on the edge of your tongue. ‘Mum said she’ll bring us dinner tomorrow,’ you say with a weak smile, debating on whether or not you should spoil the surprise. ‘We can eat it and watch something… if you want to.’

‘What’s she bringing,’ he asks.

‘A roast,’ you answer, ‘it is Christmas after all.’

He’s quiet for a while, almost as though he doesn’t even want to think about what day it is. December 24th. Christmas Eve. You’re unsure how exactly the holidays work in 141, only noting that he had been away a few times during Christmas. Oddly, this is one of the first ones he’s home with you. His second Christmas since knowing Johnny that he isn’t with him. Your heart weakens at the realisation, your brain cursing you with the knowledge of something so agonising.

They had spent Christmas together.

And now they won’t and never will and it isn’t just because of the distance between Manchester and Scotland.

Rather, it’s because of the distance between this life and the next.

Your eyes well with tears and you close them. Your heart hurts for the man lying in front of you, and when you hear him clear his throat, you find it difficult to contain your own sorrow. ‘Doesn’t feel like Christmas,’ he tells you, his voice trembling as he does. ‘Haven’t slept at all since ‘cause I can’t stop thinking about him just… lyin’ there,’ his throat tightens and his tone grows pitchy as he inhales deeply, swallowing hard. ‘I shoulda done something, I should’ve been there f’r him.’ 

He’s crying at that point, but not sobbing. In fact, you only know he's crying because, when you place your hand against his cheek and the pad of your thumb wiped away a tear that falls past his eye. ‘You were,’ you choke out, ‘even in death, you were loyal to him, Si’, don’t you dare go cursing your own name for something you were not responsible for,’ you demand. ‘You’ll get him.’

‘We’re fallin’ apart without him,’ Simon sniffles, ‘bet he’s sitting up there pissin’ himself seeing me like this,’ he utters. The pair of you share a laugh at the thought and you move close to him. ‘I just… I told myself after everything that happened to mum and Tommy, I wouldn’t feel anything ‘cause that fucked me up, but then I met Johnny a- and I met you.’

You hold your breath. 

‘Simon—‘

‘And what if I can’t keep you safe? I’ve failed at it so much and that fucking pricks got me doubting myself now—‘

‘Shut up,’ you firmly say, ‘I don’t wanna hear it, Si’,’ you utter, ‘and neither would Johnny.’

You press your thumb against his cheek, ‘doubt is a killer, and it’s not me who you’re not gonna be able to protect if you keep thinking the way you are, it’s yourself,’ you continue, licking your dry lips, ‘and… and if you die, then who’s gonna steal the pigs-and-blankets on Christmas Day?’ 

Whether it was time for humour or not, you’re unsure. But, as you thinking for a moment, you recall the tales told to you by Simon during his time away, particularly his time with the Shadows. 

Two goldfish are in a tank… 

‘You still remember that?’ he asks eventually. You feel the muscles contort in his face as he smiles at you. 

‘Always,’ you respond, ‘mums got them with the dinner tomorrow ‘cause I asked her too… said she got extra incase you planned on robbing any of them.’ You feel bad telling him such information knowing that you had chosen to cancel the holiday. If anything, you’re worried about the guilt you’re causing him by rambling on about the stupid fucking pigs-in-blankets. ‘My point is Si’,’ you take a deep breath, ‘I need you here with me so you can fulfil your duty.’

He shifts and pulls you closer, wrapping his arm around your waist, pressing his face into the nape of your neck. Your hand brushes through his hair, melting in his arms as his hot breath fans against your neck. ‘Wanna see your family tomorrow,’ he says, ‘I’ll go with you.’

‘Are you sure—‘

‘’Ave been stuck in my mind for nearly two months,’ he confesses, pulling away from your neck. ‘Fighting with myself over everything, I’ve hardly spoken to Price or Gaz,' he says. You press your lips together, the thought of him being alone nauseating. ‘Be a waste of money as well if I didn’t try pinching the food your mums made, wouldn’t it?’ 

You feel him smile as he presses his face back against your neck, his grip on you so tight its almost painful. But you relent, allowing him to have the comfort he so deserves. Resting your head above his, you close your. Whatever awaited you in the future can wait, you conclude.

‘I'm proud of you,’ you whisper, pressing a kiss onto his head. 'Never gonna let you doubt yourself ever again, not on my watch,' you continue, 'now sleep. We can talk more when you're ready.'

He smiles again.

'I know I can sleep soundly now,' he utters against your skin, 'got you beside me.'

With that, the pair of you fall into silence. You don't sleep, not until you feel his breathing steady against you skin, the subtle rise of his chest as he keeps his arms around you. You keep running you fingers through his hair before eventually, you find your eyes growing heavy and you drift off.

[unstqblecvrses]

Virgin reader and older price 🤭🤭

(Not creepily older tho)

Feel free to ignore tho xx

“Such a pretty face <3”

Pairing; older!price x virgin!reader

Cw; price is in late thirties reader is in mid/late twenties ^^

Synopsis; your boyfriend is more than happy to help! But surprise!!! You’re a.. virgin? :(

A/n; kinda long so there’s a divider where nfsw starts!! Also dividers from @rookthornesartistry and @cafekitsune 💋

ˏ ˋ°•*⁀➷ TINDER WAS CERTAINLY NOT A GOOD PLACE TO FIND “LOVE.”

You knew that. But at a party with your friends, you were forced to make an account. “Oh cmon Y/N, you're still single after all this time? You know, Mya found her husband a Tinder, you should download it! You never know, you could find a real hit!” She babbled, and when two more of your friends joined in, you were pure pressured into getting that stupid fucking app.

But.. should you really be that mad? You gained a boyfriend who’s a total dilf minus the kid. It’s pretty nice actually, treated like a princess 24/7 and loved on. You love that he’s older too, he teaches you things.

So when he offers to watch movies with you, who are you to deny? Time with your lovely boyfriend is all you need. Sitting next to him with his hand gently gripping and rubbing your inner thigh. It’s been driving you crazy since this dumb movie started.

“You alright lovie?” He smirks, and you nod. “Yeah.. j-just a bit hot y’know?” Your breathing is heavy, you can’t really focus on the movie. “I understand Lovie.” Grinning, he trailed his thick fingers to your clothed cunt. skirt lifted, providing easy access.

“Wait- price..” you squirm, thighs slamming closed. “What’s wrong?” He freezes. “Price. I’m a virgin..” you’re almost ashamed. You’ve never told him before and you’re saying it now? Ugh, this is so fucking embarrassing. Tearing up a bit

“Hey hey, don’t cry lovie, it’s nothin’ to be ashamed about sweetheart.” He cups your cheek, making you look in his beautiful blue eyes. They make you feel so safe, y’know? Just so calm. And god he’s so soft, husband material but stern when he needs to be. “It’s okay sweetheart, really.”

“Really? You’re not mad or anything?” Your head tilts. “Why would I be mad? That’s absurd lovie.” He chuckled, kissing your cheek. Beard tickling your soft skin. “I dunno, It’s just kinda embarrassing.” You watch as his face falls. “It’s not embarrassing. I was a virgin too once, just like everyone else in the world. So please stop saying it’s embarrassing sweetheart. Because I swear, it’s not.”

He always seems to have a way with his words. It amazes you sometimes. “Tell me you understand sweetheart.” He nods, and you do too. “I understand love. And. I know you said it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but.. Can you uh.. touch me?” You aren’t too shocked when his eyes widen, followed by ‘Are you sure?’ Fuck this is embarrassing.

His finger is thick, it’s expected but you never knew it could feel this good. “Feels good love?” You nod, he wanted to keep watching the movie, but he made sure to keep paying attention to you. Of course, he did. But how the hell did he expect you to pay attention to this movie? What was happening again? Shit.. it’s one finger but it feels so damn good. Curling up on your G-spot, the rope tightening in your stomach, threatening to snap.

“Fuckkk..” you whine, grinding into his hand. Breath quickened when he rubbed on your puffy clit. “I asked a question sweetheart, wouldn’t an answer be nice?” You can almost hear that cocky smile if that was even possible. But it makes you tighten around him, drenching his fingers. “g-good it feels soo~ good” shuddering when he speeds up.

“Ya think another finger would fit?”

“Y-yes- please!” Who knew you could be so whiney? Not you. But price makes you feel so good. And if this is just his finger then what if-

You let out a pathetically loud moan, how the hell did you not notice him putting another one of his thick ass fingers in you? It feels so good though, you. “Bloody hell sweetheart. So fuckin wet right? Feel good?” He nods. Moving slow, then picking up the speed a bit. “M-mhm!” You whine, the rope in your stomach finally snapping and your vision blurring a bit. Coating his fingers in creamy cum. Your cum.

Your gooey walls tighten around his fingers, hand gripping at his arm. “N-Nghhh..” you moan, shuddering as he gently pulls his fingers out of your drenching hole. His fingers were coated in a thin layer of cum. You think you may be hallucinating when he licks his fingers clean. “And tastes fuckin’ magical sweetheart.” He grins, kissing your neck. Your cunt is cold, the wetness attracting the cool air.

“Price.. you’re hard as fuck..” you giggle, his dick making a menacing print in his pants. Was it possible to be that big? You’ve seen it before in the shower and stuff but it was soft then. He’s really a grower.

Safe to say you ended the night with him passionately fucking your puffy cunt. After you followed him to your shared bedroom of course. Whining in his ear as he whispered sweet praises into yours. The prep was good too. Tongue fucking you and rubbing your clit until you were technically brain dead. Giving you time and waiting for the green light to continue. And the aftercare was one of a kind, nothing you shouldn’t expect from a total sweetheart.

He’d set a nice warm bath for you and massage your skin, even if he didn’t fuck you rough at all he’d still take care of you!! :)

I got so carried away ughh!! 😭 but I really liked writing this 😆 reblogs and likes r appreciated!! Also if you too wanna submit an ask I would be more than happy to make you ask come true my love!

[angelicglib]

‧₊✩ Christmas Comfort ✩₊‧

[ꜱɪᴍᴏɴ ʀɪʟᴇʏ x ꜰ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ]

[ᴅᴀᴛᴇ ᴘᴏꜱᴛᴇᴅ]: 25/12/23 (REPOSTED: 28/12/23)

[ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ]: After Johnny's death and a failed mission, Simon returns home to his girlfriend.

[ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ]: 3,252

[ᴛᴡ]: hurt/comfort, angst, a somewhat happy ending (it will never be fully happy without soap I am sorry) possible mw3 spoilers (if you have been living under a rock please avoid)

[ᴀ/ɴ]: This is my first story here, please be kind I beg <3 also very sorry for this but I had the idea and thought it would be quite a bittersweet story for the holiday season !!

THIS IS A REPOST !! I've had few issues with shadowbans and have moved accounts a few times (tumblr thought I was a bot) so, if you would like more stories from me, my new blog is @manicrouge !!

─────────── ∘°❉°∘ ───────────

Christmas this year is going to be tough.

You know it from when you open the door to him on Christmas Eve. 

Time has passed, he hasn’t been home for months and you were starting to convince yourself that it’s going to be years before you ever see him again.

When you were talking on the phone earlier, sometime during the middle of November, he had made a comment that he wasn’t going to come back home until he had made sure he had the pleasure of declaring that the enemy that had murdered his best friend was officially gone for good. While your chest tightened at his comment, you had nodded along and assured him that they would catch Makarov eventually; there were only so many places one man could hide before he’d revert back to familiar ground. 

You feared the same for Simon at that moment. In fact, even with him home safe, you still do.  

Of course, you would never say that to his face.

Despite his capability in combat, however, you often find yourself awake at night wondering just how capable he was when it came to processing and dealing with loss. Had he done what you assume he has done, he was most likely going to run from it instead of addressing it. Problems will build up and up until they came tumbling down. It’s a simple thought to construct during the late nights you have been spending alone since the news of what had happened to Johnny had found its way to you. Just as such a thought is easy to construct, you find that another one comes to you quicker than the former: where would Simon be when the building he’d constructed over the years fell to pieces? 

There were only so many places he man could hide before he’d refer back to familiar ground. Even if said ground was crumbling around him. Maybe in his misery, he would find solace in falling to his doom with the chunks of shattered earth surrounding him.

If that assessment is wrong, it doesn't matter; your brain has decided it before your heart even gets a say.

You have very little to go off of concerning with how he dealt with loss, the occasional comment about his mum was enough for you to know that he wasn’t the type to completely forget about a loved one. 

He's vague about his past. The less said about it the better. 

‘You keep pawing an’ clawing at my brain like a damn puppy,’ he said, trailing his hands through your hair. You were guilty, for sure you were. Curiosity was sure to be the death of you in that regard. He’d let small facts slip on occasion, although, you knew his accidental slip ups were most definitely intention. 

Of course, Simon Riley was no fool.

’Just tell me something,’ you begged, ‘like… I don’t know, what was your favourite food to eat at Christmas when you were younger? Ooo, I bet it was something like liquorice. You’d so make your nan pissed by robbing all the good shit out of the sweet tin.’ You laughed at the thought of a tiny Simon Riley climbing on top of a chair, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he attempted to snatch the sweet, sweet treat of liquorice. 

‘Are you fuckin’ kidding me?’ he scoffed, ‘actin’ like I’m an old man doll,’ he snorted, ‘stop tryin’ to pester me f’r memories you have no business viewing.’

‘Is it illegal to be curious now?’ you asked with a playful smile. It was silent for a moment, and you lifted your head in an attempt to find his eyes in the darkness.

‘Yes, it is,’ he said, ‘you don’t wanna know me from the past, love,’ he huffed, ‘doesn’t matter now.’

‘You won’t even tell me what your favourite food was during Christmas?’ 

‘No,’ he reverted back to the same Simon you had seen when Johnny had been talking his ear off during the rare nights out you had had with 141. ’Now go t’ sleep, gonna be tired in the morning if you keep rambling on. My ears are burning with ya, doll,’ he teased, wrapping an arm around your waist, pulling you firmly against his chest. 

Despite everything telling you to pull away from him, you maintained your closeness, the warmth of him far too appetising to refuse. Exhaling deeply, you rested your head against the pillow, staring straight at the wall in front of you. Your heart hurt at the very thought that he cared so little about his past that he fought to keep everything from his earlier life away from you. Even the smallest things. Of course, you would never had pried him, only the few passing comments in hopes for him to slip up as he had done a few times before. 

Another hard sigh escaped you as you close your eyes. He shifted behind you, resting his head against your shoulder. You thought nothing of his sudden movement; it wasn’t uncommon for him to do so while you were sharing a bed together. Only, he turned his head, his breath ghosting your ear. Inhaling, he swallowed hard. ‘Mum used to make us roast dinners,’ he whispered, ‘used to always slap my hand away whenever she was cooking cause I used to always rob the pigs-in-blankets while she was still getting dinner ready.’

A small laugh passed your lips as you turned in his hold, placing your hand against his cheek with a cheeky grin. He stares back, blue gaze gutting through the darkness, slicing your soul to pieces.  ‘Now, will y’ stop huffin’ and puffing and just go to sleep?’ He asked, placing his hand over yours. 

‘Soundly, Lt.’

Even behind the mask, you could sense the sadness, the loss. A flurry of emotions hits you when you first see him after what has happened. What can you say to him? Anything other than I’m sorry seems to be an insult to him and to the memory of the man that is sure to haunt him.

The mask hides his face, but it never hid his eyes, his tired and war-weary eyes. It's a brutal sight to see the man who had put the fear of God through you when you had first met reduced to this crushed soul. 

‘Simon,’ you say after a while of the pair of you just standing there, staring at each other. For a brief moment, it felt as though you had opened the door to a stranger instead of your boyfriend. Lifting his head, his Adams apple bobs beneath his balaclava as he steps forward. You take a step back, letting go of the edge of the door. Still, he doesn't speak, only standing there, observing you. ‘I thought you said you weren’t coming home until—‘

‘Don’t wanna talk about it,’ he answers, closing the door behind him.

His clothes are branded with the stench of war, and you take note of his bloodshot eyes. Has he been crying? You thought it impossible for such to be the case, he’d do no such thing. But, when he shakily inhales, grabbing the edge of his balaclava, your stomach dropped.

‘Place looks nice,’ he says, though his eyes don't leave you, ripping his mask from off of his face, shoving it into of his cargo pants. His words were shaky despite the stoic expression on his face. ‘You been alright?’

You look at him with wide eyes. ‘I- uh- yeah, yeah, just sorting out last minute things for Christmas,’ you answer, ‘how about you go and get a shower, get changed into some fresh clothes? I’ll make you something to eat—‘

‘Not hungry,’ he answers frankly, ‘appreciate the offer, doll, but I think I’m just gonna go straight to bed,’ he says. All the moisture in your mouth disappears and you’re forced to swallow a dry mouthful of air as you look up at him. 

‘Right,’ you nod, ‘I- I’ll be up right after you, just gonna turn everything off down here,’ you say.

He doesn’t answer you after that, dropping his duffle bag down on the ground by the front door as he traipses up the wooden steps of your home. The garland wrapped around the bannister winks at you as you watch Simon walk up the stairs, almost mocking you for ever think it was a good idea to decorate.

The entirety of your house is wrapped like a Christmas present, reds, greens, colourful lights- everything. Whether it was the right thing to decorate or not, you choose not to focus on it too much as you rush around the house, switching off the decorations and the lights, leaving the washing you had been doing on the counter in the kitchen. 

All of it can wait. But he can’t. 

So, with such a thought in mind, you busy yourself with your plan. What is included in that plan can be decided as you’re walking through the house, back to the staircase you have just seen your poor boyfriend walking up.

Jogging up each step, you decide that ultimately, everything that has happened in the past few months with be something he will not be willing to discuss with you; he made it clear when he walked through the door. Don’t push him on it.

When your foot hits the last step, you nod to yourself as you consider what you would do if he did want to talk to you about it. If he wants to talk to you about it, then you rejoice in his openness. But it isn’t necessary for him to have your undying support. No matter what he decides, ultimately, your heart is never going to fail on him. 

Before heading into your bedroom, you gulp when you feel your phone buzz in your pocket. Pulling it out of your pocket, your eyes scan over the message, a shallow exhale escaping your lips. 

Mum &lt;3: Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. made sure to grab extra pigs-in-blankets incase Simon decides to appear sometime. Love you xx

Begrudgingly, you stare down at the message before looking at the bedroom door. From beyond it, you can hear the running water in the shower and all you can think about is him. So, with a deep breath, you look back down at your phone and begin to type. 

From ‘me’: Slight change of plans but I don’t think we’re going to be able to make it there tomorrow. Simon’s just got home and he’s not good. Don’t think socialising is what he needs right now. Sorry, I love you xx

Choosing has never been easy, yet, when you pushed open the bedroom door and saw his clothes sitting on the bed the pair of you share, you decide that that choice was the easiest one you have ever made in your life. It isn’t a sacrifice when it is necessary. At least, not when it comes to Simon at least. 

--

‘I’m not going home tomorrow,’ you tell him when he walks out of the bathroom. Part of you feels bad for bombarding him with something as soon as he walks out, but the affirming text from your mother causes your heart to swell, and when you see him again, it bursts. His hair is damp and he pulls his face out of the towel with a surprised look. His scarred cheeks are branded with a subtle red tinge from the heat exuding from the bathroom. The heat works well to melt his features just enough for him to mould them into a dissatisfied sneer. ‘I don’t wanna fight you on this, Si.’

‘You can’t cancel on your family,’ he says, approaching his dresser. ‘Not right. I don’t want you to do that for me,’ he continues, grabbing a t-shirt, pulling it over his head. ‘Go spend time with them, am fine here.’ 

‘I already told my mum,’ you say, ‘she’s fine with it,’ you quickly reassure, far too aware that he very well may be a ticking time bomb.

Oddly, you request of not fighting on it seemingly works as he looks over his shoulder at you. There is simply no fight left in Simon Riley anymore, you conclude it from the way he shrinks as he exhales, padding up to the bed. It was as though he had left the house as a grenade left the hands of a soldier. Upon his return, the body of what made him him: his danger, his determination, and his strength had all been lost and you find he has been reduced to the pin pulled from the grenade. 

Looking up at him, you find that it is up to you if you’re going to discard it or keep it as a keepsake.

Pulling the edge of the duvet, you pat the side of the mattress, ‘c’mon,’ you say gently. He doesn’t wait to climb into bed beside you, resting his weary head against the pillow. It’s as though someone is pressing down on his chest as he heaves a sound unlike anything you have ever heard. Exhaustion was clear, but grief was easier to identify in his eyes. Leaning over, you turn the lamp on your beside off, trying your attention to him, lying on his side. 

There’s nothing to say. Not to him, not for him, not for yourself. You just lay there and stare at him hoping something will come to you. Anything said will be a bittersweet lullaby, you’re convinced. Nothing is going to put him to sleep. ‘Your minds running; faster than mine, sweetheart,’ he says. His eyes are closed when you look at his face. ‘Don’t want you doin’ stupid things ‘cause of me.’

‘Nothing is stupid when it comes to you, Si’,’ you weakly state.

At this point, you heart is racing, your tongue tangled as you contemplate every single word on the edge of your tongue. ‘Mum said she’ll bring us dinner tomorrow,’ you say with a weak smile, debating on whether or not you should spoil the surprise. ‘We can eat it and watch something… if you want to.’

‘What’s she bringing,’ he asks.

‘A roast,’ you answer, ‘it is Christmas after all.’

He’s quiet for a while, almost as though he doesn’t even want to think about what day it is. December 24th. Christmas Eve. You’re unsure how exactly the holidays work in 141, only noting that he had been away a few times during Christmas. Oddly, this is one of the first ones he’s home with you. His second Christmas since knowing Johnny that he isn’t with him. Your heart weakens at the realisation, your brain cursing you with the knowledge of something so agonising.

They had spent Christmas together.

And now they won’t and never will and it isn’t just because of the distance between Manchester and Scotland.

Rather, it’s because of the distance between this life and the next.

Your eyes well with tears and you close them. Your heart hurts for the man lying in front of you, and when you hear him clear his throat, you find it difficult to contain your own sorrow. ‘Doesn’t feel like Christmas,’ he tells you, his voice trembling as he does. ‘Haven’t slept at all since ‘cause I can’t stop thinking about him just… lyin’ there,’ his throat tightens and his tone grows pitchy as he inhales deeply, swallowing hard. ‘I shoulda done something, I should’ve been there f’r him.’ 

He’s crying at that point, but not sobbing. In fact, you only know he's crying because, when you place your hand against his cheek and the pad of your thumb wiped away a tear that falls past his eye. ‘You were,’ you choke out, ‘even in death, you were loyal to him, Si’, don’t you dare go cursing your own name for something you were not responsible for,’ you demand. ‘You’ll get him.’

‘We’re fallin’ apart without him,’ Simon sniffles, ‘bet he’s sitting up there pissin’ himself seeing me like this,’ he utters. The pair of you share a laugh at the thought and you move close to him. ‘I just… I told myself after everything that happened to mum and Tommy, I wouldn’t feel anything ‘cause that fucked me up, but then I met Johnny a- and I met you.’

You hold your breath. 

‘Simon—‘

‘And what if I can’t keep you safe? I’ve failed at it so much and that fucking pricks got me doubting myself now—‘

‘Shut up,’ you firmly say, ‘I don’t wanna hear it, Si’,’ you utter, ‘and neither would Johnny.’

You press your thumb against his cheek, ‘doubt is a killer, and it’s not me who you’re not gonna be able to protect if you keep thinking the way you are, it’s yourself,’ you continue, licking your dry lips, ‘and… and if you die, then who’s gonna steal the pigs-and-blankets on Christmas Day?’ 

Whether it was time for humour or not, you’re unsure. But, as you thinking for a moment, you recall the tales told to you by Simon during his time away, particularly his time with the Shadows. 

Two goldfish are in a tank… 

‘You still remember that?’ he asks eventually. You feel the muscles contort in his face as he smiles at you. 

‘Always,’ you respond, ‘mums got them with the dinner tomorrow ‘cause I asked her too… said she got extra incase you planned on robbing any of them.’ You feel bad telling him such information knowing that you had chosen to cancel the holiday. If anything, you’re worried about the guilt you’re causing him by rambling on about the stupid fucking pigs-in-blankets. ‘My point is Si’,’ you take a deep breath, ‘I need you here with me so you can fulfil your duty.’

He shifts and pulls you closer, wrapping his arm around your waist, pressing his face into the nape of your neck. Your hand brushes through his hair, melting in his arms as his hot breath fans against your neck. ‘Wanna see your family tomorrow,’ he says, ‘I’ll go with you.’

‘Are you sure—‘

‘’Ave been stuck in my mind for nearly two months,’ he confesses, pulling away from your neck. ‘Fighting with myself over everything, I’ve hardly spoken to Price or Gaz,' he says. You press your lips together, the thought of him being alone nauseating. ‘Be a waste of money as well if I didn’t try pinching the food your mums made, wouldn’t it?’ 

You feel him smile as he presses his face back against your neck, his grip on you so tight its almost painful. But you relent, allowing him to have the comfort he so deserves. Resting your head above his, you close your. Whatever awaited you in the future can wait, you conclude.

‘I proud of you,’ you whisper, pressing a kiss onto his head. 'Never gonna let you doubt yourself ever again, not on my watch,' you continue, 'now sleep. We can talk more when you're ready.'

He smiles again.

'I know I can sleep soundly now,' he utters against your skin, 'got you beside me.'

With that, the pair of you fall into silence. You don't sleep, not until you feel his breathing steady against you skin, the subtle rise of his chest as he keeps his arms around you. You keep running you fingers through his hair before eventually, you find your eyes growing heavy and you drift off.

─────────── ∘°❉°∘ ───────────

[neodreamgirl]

SEUNGHANNNNNN NOOOOOOO

I'M SO PISSED WHAT THE FUUUUUCK

This is insanity!!! I was on weverse just YESTERDAY and I was screenshotting the crazy comments and posts made by ot6 because they were so laughable. How you gonna take THESE BITCHES SERIOUSLY?

I have so many words I don't even know where to start like what the fuck

I was so excited to start stanning again! Now, I had to delete their most recent music off of my apple music. I rewatched the siren dance practice of when Josh Price was teaching them the choreo. It's one of their most memorable behind the scenes videos. This shit is so sad. Oh my goodness...

When I was on weverse, I noticed that if you scroll down the feed you'll see 5 ot7 stans, and then 2 ot6 stans. How the hell does one make the decision to kick him out because of a minority? I'm so confused. The other 6 members are in Madrid (I think). Who did Seunghan deliberate with about this?

I understand if he saw all the hate and decided it was time to go. I understand, I do. He's the one receiving all the hate but this is not his fault. The psychopaths are at fault here; never him nor RIIZE. I can't even fathom the impact this has had on his mental health. I genuinely am hoping that he still sees his worth as a person. I genuinely hope he understands that these people are crazy and that he is the victim. He is not the villain and he genuinely has so many supporters that want to see him thrive in this life and the next. But I just feel like he was probably pressured to leave

Listen...All this deliberating for the past 11 months and not one conversation about how to deal with the inevitable backlash? Are you kidding me? Please be so fucking serious. HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, if seunghan approached management about leaving the group, they had to sit him down and tell him that they got him. That they understand the hate can be disheartening, discouraging, and distasteful, but that they will handle it. They would look for resources that will help him mentally, take away social media access from him so that he doesn't see the hate, talk about how they gradually plan on integrating him into the group. If he wishes there could be any accomodations, they'll grant them. They needed to tell him that they don't want to let him go so easily because they believe in his talents, potential, and rightful spot in RIIZE. They had to make him feel worthy. They had to encourage him to deal with the backlash because he wouldn't be dealing with it alone. They would hire more security so that when they go out at airports and such, he can feel safe. Management had to reassure him that there will be official statements made defending him and if legal actions must be sought, then they will FUCKING SEEK THEM. I DON'T GET IT. I feel like they forced him to leave idk

DAMN. THE OFFICIAL SM ACCOUNT COULD HAVE RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING THAT THEY STAND TEN TOES DOWN ON WHAT THE FUCK THEY SAID BECAUSE SEUNGHAN BELONGS IN THE MOTHERFUCKIN GROUP AND ANY SHITTY UNWASHED BOOTY CHEEKS HAVING ASS BITCH THAT GOT SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT IT CAN REFER THEIR COMMENTS TO SM'S FUCKIN LAWYER. THE FUCK YOU MEAN. I'M SIIIIICK AS HELL. SICK TO MY FUCKIN STOMACH

What kills me is that the 6 other members wanted him integrated into the group. They wanted to work with him. They wanted to experience idol life with their BROTHER. The mf they trained with for YEARS. This is soooo unfair. I literally cannot believe this shit. All you stupid bitches that were against the boycott and made assumptions that maybe we ot7 hoes were wrong about RIIZE wanting Seunghan back can kiss my fuckin ass. This is your fault, too, by the way. You're a stupid ass bitch. What the hell made you think these niggas didn't want him back into the group? What the fuck made you think they thought this was fair? Speak INTO the mic, bitch.

A lot of you were not willing to fight for Seunghan. Maybe you thought it wasn't that big of a deal, which is odd considering his circumstances, but you're a bitch. I'm like 10000% sure that boycotting the group would have done him and his FORMER members a whole lot of good. A lot of you were too pussy....I would like to think that perhaps I'm wrong and that the only reason you continued stanning was because you had hope he would return and that their management wasn't unfair trash. I don't know...

OT7 BRIIZE...we have gone THROUGH it this past year. Like I am so sorry that we had to go through any of this nonsense. This is absolutely insane. The emotional rollercoasters from 2023 after his hiatus was announced. Articles having to be deleted, edited and re-released without his name. That shit happened about 108912 times. The random sightings of him this year looking at the messages we left him, all while the company nor the members mentioned him. The random spaces the members would leave during their performances. The videos of the members reading RIIZE IS 7 signs and reacting positively going viral online like what the fuck. Also, I can't help but feel like this isn't over...

I don't know...Am I trippin? Seunghan has so many supporters I highly doubt that those that can afford to send trucks and shit will stay quiet. Many people actually find this whole situation extremely unfair. It's not even because it's seunghan but because this is literally awful. People have been very vocal about how the handling of this situation was pure shit...that's not going to stop now. Many non-BRIIZEs have commented about how Kpop companies always side with the K-fans and never pay attention to international fans. Many of them applied that opinion to this situation in particular. They're not wrong, either. I saw that some weird ass SM employees were on a message board where they can post anonymously. They said they were against the integration of Seunghan in the group because of the backlash they would receive, but the backlash was strictly from Chinese and Korean fans. But those people were only a select few. Many Chinese and Korean fans like Seunghan just as much as western fans do.

Why do I feel like RIIZE is going to do something? Wonbin spoke up but his post got deleted. There are some recent airport pics where they look absolutely distraught after this announcement was made. This is what I mean when I say this isn't over LMAO. I think this will only get worse. Kpop is no longer just a cute little niche thing in Korea. This industry reaches overseas. These idols are slowly finding their place in the western market because as we have seen through the success of BTS, western award shows are starting to award kpop music. There is a place for them here.

I wouldn't be surprised that if the reaction of OT7 BRIIZE sends RIIZE into a hiatus. As I was thinking this, I learned that some people have been making comments about RIIZE disbanding to prove a point to these crazy fans and SM. I don't know if they would actually do that, but I doubt that they're going to just let this happen.

I actually genuinely believe him leaving was a bad idea lmao I'm not just saying that as a fan but because too many people already thought the situation was unfair. In his defense, having so many people talk crazy to you would be enough to push anyone to get away. However, the people he spoke to about this failed to realize (like how is your brand RISE and REALIZE and you fail to rea--nvm) that the idea of him leaving or getting kicked out was the reason for the controversy in the first place. People didn't want to see him go on a freaking hiatus what the fuck made you think they would want to see him permanently leave the group? Are you stupid...this is what I mean like if he was genuinely trying to protect RIIZE's brand, the people should have told him that leaving will have the opposite effect. They should have encouraged him to sing and dance with his fans and fuck the haters in the ass.

We can all expect this to get more coverage. Expect 14232 trucks and banners sent to SM. Expect statements after statements. Honestly, you could even expect him to be integrated into the group again. That's how fucked this company is. With enough backlash, this could happen. I'm so serious.

[whumble-beeee]

WOOP WOOP THAT'S THE SOUND OF DA POLICE

The (Un)Official Guide to Hero-Keeping | Cont'd from Part 15

Content: kidnapping/captivity, noncon drugging, recreational drug use, OD references, captivity references, honestly this is probably the closest thing to fluff you'll get from me: the funny

(AN: just a mini-chapter this week before we get back into things!)

* * * * A Brief Interlude * * * *

It had been a pretty easy drive so far.

Stan seemed more than content to just sit in his seat with his arms bound behind his back, completely relaxed except for the brief moments when his eyes would fly open and he would lurch up stock straight in his seat. Then just settle back and close his eyes right back up. Made Declan jump every time. Though he was really just happy that he didn’t have to blindfold the kid, excepting the intermittent night terrors, or whatever those were.

He knew he really should put the kid in the trunk or something, at least the back seat, but he was slightly worried he’d OD Stan, considering the way he was acting, the blank staring the complete lack of fight. Not to mention Declan’d kinda forgotten to account for his tiny size with the dosage. He was like, what, half Declan's size? More? Better to keep an eye on him.

It was pretty funny though, how high he was. And it’d be fine. No one would see them. It was dark, and Declan was taking the backroad highway that was usually deserted at night anyway. 

That being said, Stanny hadn’t said a word since they started driving… almost an hour ago now? The pill Declan’d taken earlier was really starting to hit him, too, lightly smudging the dark trees as they went sailing by, muting the rumble of the engine, a warm buzz enveloping his body as they sat in an easy silence aided by the light tunes of classic rock. Darkness washed over them like calm waves on a beach, only broken by the lime-green illuminations from the buttons on the dashboard and the odd car blasting them with their brights as it screamed down the opposite side of the highway. That was usually around when Stan would lurch up, actually.

“Hey, Uh… Declan. Deeby, DB, Deebers, Eeby Deeby, uh... Darth… Bucky…” Stan mumbled, eyes fluttering open.

Declan snorted at Stan’s ramblings, even if it did interrupt his favorite part of ‘Everybody Wants to Rule the World’. He turned the speaker down to a dull whisper.

“What, that my new nickname?” he bantered lazily. “I’ve definitely heard better.”

“Y’know, you’d be like,” Stan pitched his head back until it lightly thumped on the headrest, glassy eyes fixed firmly on the cloth ceiling. “Like, really hot, super hot, y’know? If you weren’t evil. Like really hot. The-the bandana, and the cowboy hat, and the tall and that accent and the whole… cyberpunk cowboy shit?... that’s fuckin’... that’s hot, man… not to me though but like, ahh... 'M not blind…”

Holy shit, what? God, he loved drugged people. 

“Y’know, some people would say that the evil makes me hotter,” Declan pointed out, humoring the captive than anything else. Besides, he wasn’t wrong. That was one of the tactics he used to capture, sometimes. Charms. The mask, the hat, the whole rugged cowboy look. It often got people excited, lulled them into a sense of safety and wanting. Very useful skill, being ‘hot’.

“Well… yeah,” Stan conceded. “But not me. Because you’re evil. Actually evil, a real actual villain who does villain things... Also not really my… my type. My fiancé though? D’loooove you‘f you weren’t evil. And if you didn’t kidnap me. He'd punch you in the face. S’mine though, hands off.”

Declan snorted. “Yeah, nah, don’t worry, I’m not gonna try to hit that. I think he’d be more angry with me anyway. Or scared, I guess. I certainly wouldn’t wanna meet me again.”

Stan lifted his head up. “What?”

“Hm?”

“You uh… you-you… met? How’d you know Marcus?”

“You told me about him. He’s your boyfriend,” Declan led on. It was kinda fun, this game of almost revealing information to him.

“F-fffiancé!”

“Ah, right. Fiancé. My bad.”

“T’ssssss uh…” He laid his head back again and closed his eyes.  “It’s fine…” 

And he was gone again. Settled back into the seat, like he’d just fallen asleep on a long late-night road trip.

Except for the blood running down his shirt and temples and the excessive bruises and red angry cuts that covered his body, his arms, his face, his neck. Ugh, all he could think now was that he probably should have cleaned Stan up a bit before sticking him in the front seat of his truck. 

Not to mention the collar. That's what really worried him. It was discernable from a mile away, and everyone knew what it was: A super detainment device. He hated that collar. It was so demeaning, and for what? Why a collar? There were power-dampening cuffs, he knew they existed.

It was all just for show, some ill-disguised power fantasy. Parade around the supers, look, they’re not dangerous anymore, they’re collared. They can’t hurt the regular people! You’re safe from the freaks! Police definitely liked it, power-tripping bastards. And he knew Vaughn definitely loved the collars.

And Lana.

Ew.

Not thinking about them right now. The engine of car roared over the music. He let up off the gas just a smidge. Declan had better things to do while high, anyway. Like vibe. Which was the complete opposite of those two. He’d much rather listen to ‘Hotel California’.

He turned the radio back up and let the music envelop him.

And in the master's chambers, they gathered for the feast They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast Last thing I remember, I was running for the door I had to find the passage back to the place I was before "Relax, " said the night man, "We are programmed to receive You can check out any time you like–”

Piercing sirens suddenly hammered his ear-drums, wrecking through his easy concentration. He nearly swerved off the damn road. Bright reds and blues bathed the interior of the car in eerie, dangerous rave-like flashes of light. Stan’s eyes startled open with a small gasp. 

Lightning shocked through Declan’s body.

The police.

God dammit, why? Was he speeding? Was Stan more visible than he thought?!

Declan slammed his hands against the steering wheel with an angry shout, and this time Stan squeaked and cowered into himself. 

God, and now he had to get out his ‘fuck da police’ playlist, the vibes were completely different now!

This is what he got for breaking his damn rules!

Shit.

* * * * * * * *

Next

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[astxrailzz]

BSD HIGHSCHOOL HEADCANONS

FEAT: osamu dazai, chuuya nakahara, nikolai gogol, fyodor dostoevsky, sigma, atsushi nakajima, akutagawa ryunosuke

CONTENT: written from a british school pov!! mentions of vaping/dazai n nikolai selling overpriced vapes, atsushi n akutagawa scrapping, fake asthma attack (giggling writing these down)

AUTHORS NOTE: FIRST POST ON THISS ACCOUNT AND LOTS MORE TO COME!! will defo be doing another ones of these it was so fun to write (nikolai was my fav)

DAZAI YR11

dazai would defo be one of those popular boys who does absolutely NOTHING in class. all he does is piss around and fucks with chuuya

somehow he’d be in top set in a few classes and everyone else is like what???? HOW????

brings nothing to school and end up with a bunch of pens

i feel like in yr7-8 he was more introverted and quiet (like he was in the pm) but did a complete 180 change in yr9

LOVES the pepperoni pizza slices in the canteen, forces chuuya to buy a slice for him and throws a fit if they’re not being sold that day

”Chuuyaaaaaa! D’ya have any money- please please pleaseeeeee- they’re not even that expensive! You’re just broke, you seriously gonna let a poor guy like me starve?“

if chuuya doesn’t buy him it he gets atsushi to buy it instead

blows up everyone’s phone. please you’d think he lived in his phone if you texted him he’d respond in less than 15 seconds

had braces in yr7-8

started a business with nikolai scamming the younger years bc he was bored. they planned it out n everything in a maths class and not even a day later had set it up in the toilets. once people acc started falling for it and they were getting money he locked tf in

"It’s 15 quid for a vape.. hey bruv I don't make the rules! (he does) If you're gonna complain and not buy owt' you can piss off."

HAD RUMOURS GOING ABT HIM AND CHUUYA IN YR10. THEY WERE IN THE SAM CUBICAL PUFFING ON A VAPE AND SOMEONE WALKED IN ON THEMMMM, LITCH EVERYONE WAS SAYING THEY WERE GAY N HAD SEX. people still bring it up sometimes and dazai doesn't deny it

lowkey wishes it was true

ALL THE YR8-10 GIRLS THINK HE'S FIT

always has dts so he walks home with chuuya

CHUUYA YR11

does gcse pe bc he's super athletic

once again the yr8-10 girls think he's fit (he is)

got called a leprechaun and he started FUMING, same with being called scottish

got so pissed off at dazai once that he lobbed a pen into his eye which prompted dazai to dramatically fall off his chair and hit his head againnst the floor (chuuya didn't gaf)

every time he sees a yellow car he immedietly thinks abt dazai and starts looking around for him

"why's that car so fuckin' yellow- where's dazai."

50/50 chance that people know he is gonna punch the shit outa him or js think he's into him

stuck up for akutagawa once bc the poor boy was being dragged and now aku follows him around though he’d never admit it

EVERY TIME SOMEONE MENTIONS THAT RUMOUR HE GOES BRIGHT RED AND STARTS YAPPING AND SHOUTING

he denies it like his life depends on it

kouyou even teases him abt it please everyone hangs up on him

NIKOLAI YR11

Nikolai is 100% the class clown you cannot change my mind

owns all the school beef accounts and has videos of all the scraps (makes people pay to see them)

gets fyodor to help him with his homework

He’s the one who stuffs toilet roll down the sinks and blocks the toilets. He drags sigma along with him and sigma js attempts to get him to stop (it never works)

IF HE GETS CAUGHT DOING ANYTHING REMOTELY WRONG HE PINS THE BLAME ON SIGMA AND BEGS FYODOR TO BACK HIM UP LMAOAOAIAO

“WHAT?? no miss I would never- wha- why would I do that?? it was litch sigma miss please you gotta believe me, fedya was watching- weren’t you? WEREN'T YOU??”

(fyodor rats him out 9 times out of 10)

In class if he has a sub and gets told off he whines about it saying ‘oh it’s because I’m russian innit’

draws when he’s bored. doesn’t matter what on, he just vandalises everything

DRAMA/THEATRE KID FRFR (me), DRAMA IS ONE OF HIS FAV SUBJECTS ALONG WITH ART (HE TAKES THEM FOR GCSE)

drama teachers are the only ones that like him

sits with sigma and fyodor at lunch, some year sevens sit behind them so he spins around and taps them then spins back and acts like nothing happened (they think he’s weird and moves)

tried selling a yr7 a empty vape once and a teacher caught him, also hides behind toilet doors so when you open them he jumps out and puts you into cardiac arrest

for the business with dazai, he js pissed around the whole time. their business only lasted a week then they got found out bc some kid was pissy abt how it was extremely overpriced, they ended up getting suspended over it but pleaseeeee they went after that kid HELP

he sometimes put random stuff in the vapes like soap AHAHAHSHSHAH

FYODOR YR11

gets out of pe bc he's anemic. had to fight a war with the pe teachers to get out of it bc they claimed it wasn't a valid excuse, only let him out of it when he passed out playing badminton (nikolai took a video of it and constantly uses it as blackmail)

reads at lunch

got reported once bc somebody bumped into him and he threatened them saying smth corny like 'you better watch your back buddy' or ‘I will stab you at lunch’ and they got scared (tbh i would as well man is intimidating)

slt was called and a bag check had to be done, all they found were books (nerd ���)

sometimes quotes authors of the books he reads and completely denies everything if you mention it or question it

"hm? what? why would i quote that- i didnt even say that, what're you on about?" (starts sweating)

i think this is ooc buttt its funny so idgaf, watched deathnote in yr7 or 8 and acted like light as well as bought his own rip off book on temu, he'd wip it out if anyone got on his nerves and everybody took the piss out of him

THIS MADE ME GIGGLE SM I CAN IMAGINE TTHIS IS HOW NIKOLAI MEETS HIM AND HE JS BULLIES HIM

SIGMA YR10

so so soooo awkward

doesn't have ANY friends in his year, lingers around older years so his classmates stay AWAY.

only friends r nikolai and fyodor (nikolai dragged him to his table after seeing him being emo and fyodor tolerates him)

i think he'd be in middle set for most things, the exception being top in english.

common sigma phrase when anyone talks to him

"uh.. well- I uh- I mean-.. yes..?"

was walking behind atsushi one day and a pin off his backpack fell off (read atsushi's section for context). he picked it up for him and gave it back to him leading to atsushi buying him a radnor fizz as a thanks

lowkey wants to be friends with atsushi bc of how nice he was but IS TOO PUSSY TO TALK TO HIMMM

ATSUSHI YR9

has a bunch of cute keychains on his bag and people RIP THEM OFF ALL THE TIME he gen gets so upset over it

gets all his teachers small gifts like chocolates for holidays

most people in the school like him and the yr11s stick up for him bc he's mates with dazai

SCRAPPED AKUTAGAWA IN YR8 BC HE TOOK THE PISS OUT OF HIS HAIRCUT- DAZAI HAD TO DRAG THEM APART BC ALL THEY WERE DOING WAS WACKING EACHOTHER HELPPPP

waves and smiles at sigma every time he sees him

him and akutagawa eventually made up and they're semi friends purely bc aku doesn't want people to start saying shit like 'ooo the emo can make friends'

AKUTAGAWA YR9

he is so judgy he will fucking side eye you in the hallways and shit

EVERYTIME HE GOES TO THE TOILETS DAZAI IS THERE VAPING AND HE SWEARS HE GETS A ASTHMA ATTACK WITH THE AMOUNT OF SMOKE OR EHATEVA

follows gin and Chuuya around and gets them to batter people if they say anything to him

CONSTANTLY picked on for being edgy

"OI EMO! WRIST CHECK?????" or "barcode"

heard abt how fyodor got out of pe and faked having a asthma attack whilst running track, ATSUSHI THOUGHT HE WAS BEING FR AND STARTED SOBBING AHAHAHAHAH

watches horror movies with gin and buys her stuff occasionally (HEADCANNON THAT THEY SHOW THEIR LOVE THROUGH ACTS OF SERVICE)

semi friends with kaiji and higuchi (by this i mean he lets him yap and doesn't complain)

shaves his eyebrows off to seem edgy

[milehighmegs]

My Genderfluid Journey: Part 1 of ?

A periodic series of observations

As a 42-year-old AFAB with 2 grown kids and 3 ex-husbands, coming out as genderfluid seemed... daunting. At least, I thought it would be. Turns out that was the easy part for me. My 3 best friends (one of whom is my ex) had zero issues with it, as did my daughter, son, & mom. Haven't been brave enough to tell my dad yet. Announced it on FB, here on tumblr, and on Xitter. The reception has been wonderful; lots of support & congrats, even from people I don't know. It's been sublime.

I won't get into all the details surrounding my genderfluid realization; most of it is 1) too personal, 2) TMI, 3) NSFW, and 4) puts other peoples' business/inclinations on blast and that ain't mine to put out in the world. What I can say is that this is far from recent, not just a whim, and definitely not a phase. I've been... not so much battling with as confused/indecisive about my gender identity since I was a kid. When I was 8 or 9, I saw the film 'Ghost' and fell in love with Demi Moore's super short pixie cut. I asked my mom if I could get it, and she (shockingly) said yes. I thought it looked adorable (and it DID), but when I got to school... you guessed it: I got teased for looking like a boy. I never could figure out what was so wrong with that. But I grew my hair out afterward, not cutting it short again until I was in my 30's.

Things got even more confusing after high school when I started wishing I was male because I wanted to be like all the wonderful gay men I was meeting in WeHo in the early 2000's: confident, expressive, fun... they just looked so FREE. They could be super masc, super femme, & everything in between in a way I couldn't be. On the few occasions throughout my life that I've been brave enough to adopt a more masculine look, I've been told I look like a 90's lesbian. Hardly an insult, but a) inaccurate (I'm not), and b) not what I was going for. It was like, DAMNIT, can't I just BE a GUY for like, a few days? And go back & forth whenever I want to? Why is it that I'm "supposed" to shave my legs because of what's between them? Why am I expected to wear dresses & heels because I have hips? And why the FUCK do I get dirty looks when I wear a plaid shirt with a band tee & Docs? Is it because of the TIDDIES?! Fuckin ridiculous, man.

As I got older and the world became (blessedly!) more accepting of all gender identities/orientations, I learned that there was a term for what I'd been feeling since childhood. Scrolling through FB, then Pinterest, and eventually Insta & TikTok, seeing genderfluid & trans people adopting & embracing their identities fully & openly gave me a great deal of happiness for them and for the world, but also mad gender envy (a term I learned only in the last 2 years). It really hit me hard when I saw 'The Sandman' for the first time: the ineffably amazing Mason Alexander Park as Desire had me asking myself some serious questions. I spent the better part of a year trying to put together what it was I was feeling with the new things I'd learned about gender fluidity before coming out. Now that I have a more fully-formed idea of what that means for me, I'm ready to really be MYSELF.

I've created a new Pinterest board titled 'masc looks & tips,' got a dozen open tabs on my laptop of genderfluid TikTok accounts, and a whole list of "guy stuff" I want on my phone. The part that sucks is that my broke ass isn't able to buy the $50 binder that's been so highly recommended by many; shit, I can't even afford the boxer briefs I've been eyeing for months. I also got a super feminine body: thicc thighs, wide hips, tiddies that make sure everyone can see them... in other words, it's pretty hard to drown these curves under an ocean of fabric. And since I'm only 5 feet tall, oversized clothes will literally just drag on the ground, making me look more like a kid who stole her older brother's clothes than a male-presenting genderfluid adult person. Gah.

I know that the next step for me is to lean into the traditionally masculine presentation that I've been craving most of my life. There are a lot of ways to do this, but I know step one for me is to tame these tiddies. I've been told that Ace bandages are a bad idea for binding, but I've also heard that they're perfectly safe as long as you do it right. Guess I'll just have to find out for myself. Also, I'll be dyeing my brows in the near future; I overplucked them in the 90's (yet another stupid ass beauty standard for women) and now they refuse to grow back. I ain't got the steady hands needed to draw them bitches in, so dye it is. Finally, I've got a haircut lined up for 3 weeks from now. I'm planning to undercut about a third of my head (think Natalie Dormer in 'The Hunger Games') and keep the rest of my hard-fought grown-out hair in a wolf cut. Maybe this will help encourage me to work harder and save up for all that "guy stuff" I've been craving.

Until then, it's tits & hips & feminine lips, all drowning under an ocean of fabric. Sigh.

[carolmunson]

Could u post a snippet of the rockstar!eddie wip? I love seeing your work 💕

sure bestie, keep in mind, this is a WIP so it's subject to change. tw: drug use, drug mention. mention of addiction. for context, it's 2008. vi and eddie got in a big fight, stell (you) call him out privately (accusing him of using cocaine again) and then you both fight, eddie goes for a drive to calm down and comes back to talk to violet -- this is after that talk, where you fight again. (but it gets happy after, it's not just angst i promise. this snippet is just angst but the fic isn't. it's mostly angst tho i wont lie.)

You hear him come into the bedroom and he doesn’t say anything at first, you know he’d been crying because of his soft sniffles. There was only so much you could hear when you were listening by the door, but you know the conversation had to be hard to make him hurt like this.

“You really, really hurt me,” he says quietly, “I haven’t touched that shit in years. What’s wrong with you? Why would you ever say that?” 

“You’re showing all the signs, Ed,” you shrug sadly, “You’ve got such a short fuse all the time, you’re losing weight, you never come home before three after shows — babe you’re 42. It’s not like we have that kind of energy without some help.” 

He stares at you in angry disbelief, “So you don’t trust me? I’m telling you the truth, I’m not using.” 

“Look how defensive you’re getting, babe,” you explain gently, “What am I supposed to think? This is so like you.” 

He grits his teeth to stop himself from yelling, adrenaline pumping through him in droves while you continue to explain your suspicion to him. Your accountant noticed some changes in budget recently, he’d been acting more erratic on stage, always thirsty, more fidgety than normal. 

“Fuck you, Stell,” he huffs while his voice breaks, tears finally streaming down his cheeks, “Fuck you.” 

You know it’s because you’re right. 

“Don’t be like that,” you say quietly, folding a pair of Van’s jeans, “You think I haven’t found the baggies in your pockets? You don’t do laundry around here.” 

“I don’t know what you’re fucking talking about,” he grumbles, body vibrating. 

“Why don’t you go back out for a drive and calm down?” you offer, continuing on to start folding the towels tossed in a pile on your bed, “We can talk about it later.” 

He whimpers with frustration while he goes to his dresser to fish out some pajama pants, “Don’t talk to me like I’m some fucking kid, Stell.” 

“Well our kids are supposed to be sleeping so I don’t think it’s an appropriate time to start yelling,” you calmly explain. He changes, tossing his clothes on the bed before taking his pillows.

“I’ll be on the couch,” he spits, “I’ll head back to California in the morning.” 

“Okay, have fun running away again,” you bite back, unable to hold in your temper. 

“Real fuckin’ nice, Stell. Have fun sleeping alone,” he growls before stomping out of the room.

[thepringlesofblood]

Casting My Opinions Into The Void: d20′s Neverafter ep 1+2

this is the first d20 campaign im going to be following live and i am excited enough to do a lil post each week or so about it. mostly bc recycling and adapting and retelling and retranslating old stories that “everyone knows” is my whole shit. like i got a degree in the study of ancient greek and roman civilization (classics). my whole thing is reading old myths and plays that “everyone knows” how they go and seeing what each author/translator brings to the table.

anyway i watched episodes 1 n 2 and i am excited and my observations are below

(like if you were really into the Sisters Grimm series as a kid and are similarly excited for this lol the modernized fairytale characters in that series are literally called “Everafters” and its because it’s really good shorthand for the audience. i see you brennan i see you)

normally ppl who do the whole ‘dark/horror/thriller fairytale’ thing fuck it up bc they think it’s about the shock value, or about seeing how nasty you can get with it, so I usually avoid them, but after bingewatching a kadrillion d20 campaigns, I trust brennan to do it right. you have to find the core value/crux of what is horrifying about the story and tease it out, and play with the symbolism and icons of the original story to reflect that. and brennan fuckin delivered.

ep 1

folks, give a hand to the people who put detailed yet non-spoilery content warnings in the description. tbh dropout shows are setting the standard for sensitivity and inclusion in media. it’s so lovely to see a show w content warnings or pronouns put up onscreen and it just not be addressed. i am forever spoiled for any other kind of media tbh

at some point in the past, brennan found out he could make a really good realistic choking/gagging noise, and he has used it in every campaign since.

i appreciate the ‘scare off the meek early’ approach of it all.

th. the briars. the concept. the dead princes - UGH good backstory yall

i very much like the idea of becoming a ranger out of necessity, and because plants obey you on account of that whole feeding-on-your-blood thing

puss in boots using ‘pib’ as a nickname instead. of ‘puss’ or ‘boots’ - inspired

also zac is using his ‘smart little shit’ voice like he did w lapin and i am v excited.

look ill say it - the little red hen did nothing wrong and thats on that. i read that one when i was very little, it was on electric company or sesame st or between the lions, and i’ve always liked it.

so......anyone see how mother goose’s husband has the last name hubbard? like old mother hubbard lol

also there really is a Jack in so many stories, i’m glad we’re addressing this. little shit gets up to so much trouble

it feels like I have seen so many tired rewritings of little red riding hood, even though I can’t think of any off the top of my head. it’s usually a sort of surface-deep ‘girl power!’ situation. i’ve never seen one like this. i LOVE it. it was terrifying. the fact that we all just sort of accept ‘barbarian’ as a normal dnd class is kind of wild tbh, i like exploring that rage and its source.

Ep 2

saying the actual nursery rhyme in the context of being the nursery rhyme is so powerful. i fully didn’t understand what was happening to nat king cole (v powerful) until he was gone.

also, herr drosselmeyer - fantastic get. you have to talk about the sugar plum fairy at some point and they already went in hard on her in acoc so i love that they were like you know what, it’s weird uncle time.

(context: herr drosselmeyer is clara’s eccentric uncle with a bunch of automatons and he gives her the nutcracker)

also every production ive seen has his drip immaculate. 

my gender is this man’s cloak

Murph is the fucking ball again

“Please tell me how you’re a monster too so I don’t feel so alone” - Jesus Christ Emily Axford

Almost getting distracted by a bird instead of picking up v obvious plot hooks: pt 2

cinderella.......dude

Brennan really looked at K’s finale scene from mismag and went “how DID the mice get lithium?”

The POV of the mice - simplifying it makes it sound ridiculous, but if you really dig into the idea of the mice as sentient beings it’s horrifying.

Dude the symbolism…stepmother eating her kids bc they were always either a tool or an obstacle to her, of course they would be a sacrifice to her hunger for power.

i’ve always liked endings that have the stepsisters reconciling w cinderella bc in the end they were also victims of abuse and it wasn’t the same or the same degree of abuse as cinderella but they were still constantly on thin ice

can you tell that i rewatched d20 live recently and sobbed at adaine and aelwyn’s ending?

Cinderella stabbing the fairy godmother with the broken heel of the shoe that symbolizes both the ending she was meant for and the life that she was forced into. Turning that into glass armor. dude.

The pumpkin carriage rotting bc the fairy godmother is trying to make the happily ever after stay exactly how it is forever but nature decays and time passes and she can’t acknowledge that without realizing both that her role is in the story is over and not only does cinderella not need her anymore, cinderella doesn’t want her anymore, and maybe never wanted her in the first place. 

When puss in boots was asked what he wanted in life and he just said ‘to be comfortable’ #relatable like I know all this is gonna end with him realizing the value of love and friendship over material goods and I 100% agree with that but i feel like this goal or some variation of it are v common today and not often addressed in stories like this

Pinocchio swearing - 10/10. Also how the fuck is Lou doing a Pinocchio voice that perfectly straddles the line between hilarious and annoying. It’s ridiculous enough to always be funny, but sustainable and varied enough that it doesn’t grate on you.

i think we’re getting into “all the princesses in all the stories are all sisters” territory and i for one am THRILLED

"mirror, mirror.......leaned up against the wall”

we learn in this adventuring party that the OG concept for lou’s pinocchio is that he snapped off his nose so he would be able to lie, which is AMAZING. i fully did not put that together.

i am v excited for this battle, and v terrified.

[the-scrappy-stinger]

We open up to Honda being a mood.

This is Honda, and he's a business guy. He doesn't wanna go to the old okonomiyaki place with his high school buddies because he's bored gossiping about old girlfriends and passed memories. They make him go anyway. Along the way... they avoid KitKat.

Heading off to the old place, the shop is deserted, dirty, and run by the shopkeeper's only daughter. So what's basically the first place she does when they walk into the store?

What is it with this manga and women running restaurants? To be fair, she doesn't WANT to, her dad's just in the hospital. And she's got a toddler at home, and her husband works full time at a DIFFERENT restaurant as the head chef, and she's still expected to be a homemaker, so yeah, she actually has it rough.

So they all agree to help. Honda the grump is... not as agreed, but onboard in his own very food-tsundere way.

So of course he goes to the MEETING OF THE HIGH SCHOOL YOUTH TO SAVE THE OKONOMIYAKI PLand nobody else shows up. Figures. Honda the grump is alone.

AND OH NO, CUSTOMERS. AND HE DIDN'T READ THE RECIPE. I think I've had this nightmare. SO he sucks at it. KitKat comes over to borrow some flour and even though Honda the grump isn't the owner, he has a speech.

Weeping like my co so then a fuckin' yakuza boss comes in for food, because why the fuck is this place still getting reservations if the owner's been laid up for months- anyway so the yakuza boss nearly throws Honda into the back of a car to fuckin' kill him or whatever and KitKat's like "stop it. We're gonna use words."

And these guys were willing to kill Honda because he told them he didn't work there and the restaurant was closed because the owner's kid had the flu. ANd they're street food vendors.

Thus is the world of KitKat Jesus. (The Jesus part we're getting to, just stick with me.)

I have never related harder to a character in this manga in my life.

So KitKat's like "Look if you're here to shakedown for flavor THIS hard, let me try making the recipe. Honda you stay you have to taste test" and Honda's like "damn it!" because he is LITERALLY walking out the door! KitKat reads the recipe and goes "Wait... this is way too basic, this can't be right" and it turns out he's right, because despite living in the shop her whole life and watching her dad cook every day she didn't know the recipe.

So the street vendors are like "You should sell this at the food fair tomorrow!" and KitKat's like "... hell, why not?". Honda's like "okay i'm fucking LEAVING NOW THANK YOU" and the street vendors go "Hey wait aren't you a government worker? You know your job would be way easier if you did public work and people saw your face" and Honda's like "... ... sign me up."

They got the owner's daughter's permission, though, that's okay.

This next chapter's actually kind of cook- I mean cool! Freudian hungry. But KitKat talks about how food stall cooking is different from restaurant cooking, because you have to take into account eating on the go. Honda the grump is put on the cabbage cutter machine to help and bemoans that he wasn't allowed to eat street food as a kid.

Guy's just got opinions about fuckin' everything.

Honda the temporarily-asshole-for-the-plot decides to just go... LITERALLY grab customers out of someone else's line to force them to eat at his stall.

And starts a fight.

I'm starting to think the author has a low opinion of street food vendors.

OH wait no, I was wrong, they are ALSO the mafia. And street food vendors. Yeah there we go. No wonder Honda wasn't allowed to eat street food...

(skims ahead) oh god I'm gonna run out of pictures again- SO TO SUM UP:

The Capo wants to put the screws to Honda the grump because he tried to cheat at food stalls, so he has his two lancers, big dudes who cook fast, give him a bunch of okonomiyaki to sell before sunset, but KitKat's like "you bitch, you gave him shitty food to sell so you could kick his ass later".

Honda at this point must be like "I wouldn't be in this situation if everybody else hadn't flaked out on me, christ".

OH well, only one way to settle it.

And Honda the... weirdly malleable personality for the plot is like "I am so moved by this cook-off between two rival food mafia gangs that I volunteer to be the chef".

And so KitKat's like "Okay". TRAINING

Honda the singer now apparently has to sing ONLY this song for the next two days.

It's supposed to help him improve his internal clock so he doesn't have to look at his watch while he's cooking. Three minutes to cook on one side, six minutes on the other. ... thing is.

This song's been covered a LOT. And most of them aren't 3 minutes long. Most of them are REALLY fuckin' short actually. Fun little bop though!

Must be this version.

Hey, me too, guy!!!

So the training continues, and on the day of the cook-off-

Sooey sooey, soodada-lata, soodada-lata sooey sooey!~

And his place is a hit! Because-

It's in easy-to-eat pieces!

So he wins the contest- wait whatever happened to the restaurant?? WELL LEMME TELL YOU!

Honda the better goes back to his normal job.

Honda's buddies realize that they forgot about the plot for TWO WEEKS.

Buncha assholes!

And... Honda has quit his well-paying government office job... to work the okonomiyaki bar.

I mean... Not judging but... like, benefits? Vacation days? ... not going home at night smelling like cooking oil? Just a thought...

Story arc length: 9 chapters.

[charcolor]

it's about nikvii I don't have screenshots but I mean it should be on your old twt unless you deleted the stuff. I jsut didn't name drop bc dust settled n all I didn't wanna bring anyone searching their name or wtevr in. I think my viewpoint should be shared here as well I agree that they're not a ped/groomer, I just think the weird stuff they did (having very young fps at like ~17 etc) was pretty gross and your intense defensive tweets came off badly bc you werent close to them. not trying to start shit who knows maybe you don't agree with your position back then it was a while ago. or maybe I do have the wrong person lmfao

yeah ok. so a few questions

why did you wait like 6+ months to send this?

why do you assume i believe i was being stalked over this specifically? i'm pretty sure i've specifically mentioned other reasons i believed this, but i don't think it's your right to know all the details.

if it's SO easy for someone to search my name on twitter and find literally anything i said about them (shit takes or otherwise), why can't i find anything when i do it? did you draft this ask 6 months ago?

if you don't wanna "start shit" because the "dust settled" why did you send this at all?

i don't see anything about them having young FPs even looking at the "callout" again. who were they? the previous QPPs mentioned? if their age mattered, i'm sure they wouldn't have neglected to mention it.

when did i literally say it would ruin their life? the closest i can think of is when i said something like "your life does not deserve to be over at 18" which like...yeah, it doesn't. i didn't want this kid to fuckin kill themself over this stuff. i think it's weird to put that on the same level as accusing people of ruining the lives of adult men who are actual predators, especially if YOU believe this kid isn't a predator.

no need to answer all or any of these. but i gotta say, regardless of what i believed before, it's hard to believe i'm not being stalked on some level when someone sends some aggressive, accusatory shit over something they apparently saw me say over 6 months ago, on a twitter account that's now privated.

i don't usually respond to this type of anonymous messaging so i'm probably not gonna answer your next one. i'll still read it though, if you really want to accomplish whatever your goal was in sending this to me.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3568

fun fact about me, i've had a tab open in my browser on my phone for at least seven years that's open to Sansûkh, a hobbit/lotr fic which i have been meaning to read for every one of those years, but i have not yet read it because i am a disaster.

but the gods have smiled upon me and have blessed the world with the beautiful humans who are creating a webcomic of it. if you wish to read it and sob with me as you do, their tumblr account is @sansukhcomic and i have just gotten up to date with what's been posted. it's beautiful and i have been crying the whole time.

delightful.

anyway.

today i slept in but had to close the window in my room bc it's fuckin hot and humid as fuck. 0/10, do not recommend. why am i looking at jobs in warmer humid climates. why can't everything be in alaska.

anyway.

i worked with nancy and the kids today, and we were able to get stuff done, thankfully. it was nice to be able to help them finish things up and get it submitted and all.

got home, had dinner, got ice cream with my dad and listened as he talked about a shitty situation at work where someone misinterpreted what he said and got insulted. my papa gets defensive about stuff a lot, and so i told him he was looking at the situation the wrong way. instead of evidence, i told him he needed to apologize for offending the guy. like of course that wasn't his intention to insult him or whoever, but the guy took it the wrong way and the fact that he then complained makes a big difference. i told papa to send him an email and to apologize for the misunderstanding, to add that he understands where he was coming from and reiterate that it wasn't his intent to offend.

i've gotten a lot of experience talking to people, both neurotypical and neurodiverse, when it comes to apologizing for things. say everything you mean and only and exactly what you mean. no room for discussion, no room for misinterpretation or error. say what you mean and mean what you say. acknowledge how they feel and apologize that what you did made them feel a certain way. state what you did wrong and what you will do to improve/fix the issue. reiterate that they are a person you respect and add why you respect them. then say something like i hope we can still work together or i will make sure that this doesn't happen again or a combo of it or something else equally humble and assumptive of their generosity in forgiving you.

that at least is how i do apologies. or part of how i do apologies. it's formulaic but it works. it's the sandwich thing, kinda.

if anyone has feedback or whatever, lmk, either on the apology letter contents or phrasing or whatever because my dad is so defensive on everything. he takes all comments and criticism as a personal offense from everyone but me and my older brother jared. so im lucky he listens to me, but i don't know everything.

anyway, i gotta ask joel how his conversation with his boss went. asking if he can go full remote instead of being tied to a location.

that's it, i think. not looking forward to sweating all night.

mom goes in for surgery tomorrow morning to get a stent placed in her side for kidney stone removal surgery on friday. i wish i could be home to help take care of her. i know everyone else has to many other things they'd rather do than help someone get better, but im good at taking care of people. and i wish i could pass that on, pass that care and affection on to anyone else in the house. literally anyone else. but i'm the one who has it, but i work the most out of everyone in the house. i work the most and i work the furthest away. so it sucks. mom is considering paying me to stay out of work to take care of her after surgery on friday.

i feel bad. i wish i didn't work so much. i wish my boss hadn't changed the schedule around and make our team shrink. i wish i were able to get time off of work. i wish i could do that. but because of how the schedule is structured now, i can't take any fucking time off. gotta love that. the day i requested off so i could be out of town with joel at the end of the month was denied because we can't get people to fucking cover because we have SEVEN PEOPLE WHO ALL ALREADY WORK MORE THAN 40 HOURS A WEEK. so that's fucking terrible. and it's not fair. i'm pretty sure that breaks some sort of labor law. or something.

maybe if we were unionized like the physical security we could do that. but since we're not we have no say in this shit. and there's four of us who get the weekend shift shaft while the others are fine and work their cushy 40 hours during the week and go home and have a weekend while the rest of us are fucking exhausted as FUCK because we have multiple 12 hour shifts instead of 8 hour shifts ALL IN A ROW so by the end of the week we all want to fucking die. i'm sick of it.

how am i supposed to say this is good "work life balance" if the balance beam they give me is covered in fucking knives.

[crimsun-n-clover]

im into a new girl. i mean, not really a new one. i mentioned her in an earlier post

figured out that i’m not really attached to the other girl i talked about. she’s great, but she’s wayyy too much like me. it’s good to have things in common, but when it’s to the point that we both have hallucinated the same shit it’s a little off putting. not that she did or said anything wrong, she’s super sweet and i like being around her, i just don’t think we’d make a good couple.

anyway. new girl. gotta come up with a fitting name eventually because her actual name is almost obnoxious and i love it. we met on my fandom instagram account through a mutual friend putting us in a groupchat together.

she’s an amazing artist and we obviously share interests. and she’s hot. like. fucking stunning. so i was just gonna keep that locked away in my little brain like a normal fucking person until one day she randomly unfollowed me and followed me again. which was weird, because we’ve been mutuals for months, but it put the thought of her stalking me into my head and there’s no prying that shit out. like. what were you looking at huh? nothing to see here. just a bunch of text posts and if you’re willing to dig through the highlights there’s some more personal stuff. and then immediately after that i’m on her close friends?? and she tagged me in the next post she made??? weird.

but that was the catalyst to me going huh. i guess i’ll allow myself a bit of swoonage. i told mickey and she lost her everloving shit man. she goes full conspiracy mode because “stevie, that’s what I DO when i like someone she’s into you :)))” kid. sweetheart. i hope you know that you’re the statistical outlier in every situation and i won’t assume that anyone else does that.

so a couple days ago new girl posts about how she wishes she had a girlfriend for valentine’s day. that she’s so hot and interesting and it’s absolutely unbelievable that no one is taking an interest in her and let me just say, i gotta agree. of course, she’s wrong, IM taking an interest, but i’m not gonna be weird about it. i take some screenshots and scratch out her username and send them to mickey. she. goes. fucking. FERAL. “STEVIE ITS MEANT TO BE LOOK AT THE ROCKY HORROR POSTER IN THE BACKGROUND” kid i’m gonna rock your shit if you keep feeding into this and make me all mushy and useless again.

of course, she went to revisit the screenshots and yelled at me for scratching out the username. because i know she’s a meddling bastard who will insert herself. she spends a solid two hours vetting everyone i’m following and can’t find her because the girl is on my other account. absolutely rabid dedication. fuckin adore this kid man. my stalking skills are superior and i’ve already scoped out her pinterest and it made my chest hurt because damn. she’s so. sigh.

this story is kinda nonlinear at this point. shit kept going down for me because the girl live-streamed a few days in a row and i’d join a reasonable amount of time after she started (like. 30 seconds) and just dwell in the chat while like three other people maximum were there. she would end the lives sometimes if no one would join and talk to her on cam but she always went on right when my parents would get home so i couldn’t join. she’s so charming. let me just. list some shit

we already got some stuff in here so. does art, same fandoms, likes rocky horror, feminine, all that shit. she also does roller derby, archery, carpentry (she has this dollhouse in her room that she built herself it’s SO FUCKING RAD), boxing, sailing, cheerleading, all sorts. she likes literature and fashion and apparently grew up in a cult? she kept dropping absolutely insane lore. “oh yeah i got a knife pulled on me at school for being gay haha” and the way she talks she’s so charismatic i hope i die. she’s so enthusiastic about her interests like “i was looking at a boat today that can get up to ELEVEN KNOTS” cool im obsessed with you

she’s so my type i’m gonna rip my skin off and give it to her. she’s feminine, she’s bubbly, she’s fucking weird, kind of a bitch, has strong (correct) opinions, that’s like everything im drawn to romantically. personality big enough to keep me balanced out, knows what she wants so i can enjoy my acts of service love language, LITERALLY MY TYPE.

im so fucking mad. she lives in toronto and i have absolutely no chance regardless. im just a little terrified of her, especially dming her. when i can see her face in the lives it’s wayyy easier but i’m so intimidated by her typing style yk? fucking whatever man i’m being dramatic.

it’s three in the morning so it’s technically february 8th. one year since the initial breakup.

[sharksa-shivers]

Nucleo dialog dump because i 💚you radiation boyo

Coworker: (pinches nose, annoyed)Nathan, aren't you in your 30s? Why are you painting your nails and believing in childish things like aliens? What's wrong with you?

Nucleo:(glances over, sighs before turning around and responding) You're bout 48 right? Why are you already such a stick in the mud? Kids don't call you anymore do they? Ever wonder why that is? Cuz i can take a couple guesses…

Coworker:(he kind of sneers, obviously Nucleo hit a nerve, we see Nucleo kind of smirk, tries to rebuttal back)You're one to talk! You don't even have kids!!!! 30 with nothing!!! No wife, no house, no kids, nothing!!!!

Nucleo:(amused)Cuz i have other priorities…Like finding aliens and collecting metal albums cuz that's what i wanna do…(shrugs)I mean…I'm happy and you seem miserable so i mean, i must be doing something right, yknow? --------- Nucleo:(Frustrated as hell, driving The Trio derps back to The Campsite)What is it with you kids and getting yourselves into insane trouble all the time huh??? Literally i just…(inhales and exhales, collecting himself, annoyed)Look…I literally just like…I just want to have a normal Thursday afternoon at work. Do my job, help people, get paid, all that good shit…I get off at 5, wanna order take out sushi, pick it up, go home and then watch shitty cheesey alien movies from the 80's okay? That's all i want…That's it! But fuckin…Everyday, it's something!!! You get yourselves into something or Orange drags me into something or just SOMETHING!!!! IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING!!!!!!!

(It's quite til Max speaks, being a smartass)

Max:(immediately wrecks this merman)…Why do you agree to do all of Orange Hair's crap then? Is it cuz you just…Like being her bitch or…?

Nucleo:(he slams on the breaks and just sits there, The Trio derps all just looking nervously at him and each other…Nucleo just looks like he's about to fucking snap, quite as he just anxiety laughs)…I…We're moving on. No more fucking talking. Shut up. ------ Nucleo:(enraged)No???? What the hell???? Orange, they're kids, they're teenagers, they DON'T need to be doing this!!!!

OH:(shrugs)I mean…Max likes it so…

Nucleo:(huffs out a breath, annoyed and irritated)Max likes alot of shit he shouldn't like, he tried to hack into multiple bank accounts the other day…

Max:(just overhearing)YOU GUYS KNOW THAT I CAN HEAR YOU RIGHT? AND THAT I'D 1000% DO THAT AGAIN???

Nucleo:(yelling back)STAY OUT OF THIS, GOD!!! (Back at OH, angry)You can't just be forcing these kids to do all this dangerous stuff, they should be at the movies and fucking around at the mall, not delivering LITERAL BOMBS ACROSS TOWN FOR YOU!!!!!!! ---------- (Tis the group trip with The Trio and Nucleo where he's tagging along to help with some shit. Max and Kristy are talking about horror movies and shit while Sharky's focusing on driving and Nucleo's just scrolling on his phone.)

Kristy:(she pops over the seat a bit, curious)Wait actually, Hey Nucleo, what would happen to you if you got bit by a zombie? Like…Would it actually do anything to you with your disease immunitys or…?

Nucleo:(he sits there, thinking, befuddled)…I…I actually don't know, huh…(sits a moment, thinking)…….Well, i guess that's another paranoia to add to the list. I'd like to say like…I wouldn't get infected but i honestly have 0 clue so????

Max:(gazing at Kristy)Ah yeah, nice, ya broke the man by asking…

Kristy:(awkward)I wasn't trying to!!! I just was curious!!!!

Nucleo:(trying to break it up, a bit mentally construed from the question now)It's fine! It's fine! That actually is a really great question, i just have no idea what the answer is, uhhhh, let's hope we never find out the answer either, huh??? ------------- (Having a convo, probs more early series)

Kristy:(curious)Wait, how old are you Nucleo?

Nucleo:(thinks a moment) 30…No, wait, 31 now. Damnit!!! I'm getting old, can't remember shit anymore…

Sharky:(pipes up)How is 30 old when you literally live like 10,000 years or some crazy shit cuz you're a mer?

Nucleo:(gazes annoyed, a bit exaggerated)Yknow what??? Leave me alone!!!! I don't need that crazy lifespan thrown in my face again!!! I already got enough worries with my life and having to live that long isn't one i wanna talk about right now!! -------- Nucleo is a drummer metal head, a medical scientist of some sort, hardcore believes in aliens, helps The Trio derps, puts up with OH and is one of the main people who will stand up to her, helps his mom regularly with different things and is a merman who has disease immunitys and poison immunitys, idk what else you'd want in an oc honestly... Also his "human" name is Nathanal Raymond Anderson (Cuz humans are gonna look at you sideways if you have a name like...Nucleotitan lol...) I have more shit with him i wanna share so get ready for that lol, i love him so much, i swearrrrrrrrrrrr lolololol

There he is, my son that is literally older then my ass cuz he's in his 30s, here he is lol

[l-l-whitedouse]

The Breaking Point

Another small drabble i have been working on. Hope you enjoy.

Ethan is ready to stop pretending and finally tell Westlyn how he feels, but, it doesn’t quite go to plan. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ethan

"I've got something to tell you" it came out strained and breathless, i couldn't get it off my chest fast enough.

" So do I-"

I placed my hands up to halt her from continuing, I had to go first, this can't wait another second. 

" I really like you Weslyn, like, really, really like you. I can't shake it. I- I can't stop thinking about you. "

Her breath hitches and her eyes are wide, I can see this has caught her by surprise.

"Ethan-"

I interrupt , I can't stop my mouth from laying it all out on the table "You got my mind going wild, darlin', you have me thinking of things that I've always wanted but never felt I could have but, with you, it all feels possible-"

"Ethan, please-"

" We feel possible, Weslyn. I'm not saying we need to go head first but I'd be lyin’ if I said I didn't think there was something between us worth exploring, and I-"

" Ethan, stop." She looked pained. I do as she asks and I shut up, but my mouth is still hanging open.

oh. What- what's happening right now?

I tried to look her in the eyes but she won't look at me. Why won't she look at me?

I stepped closer to hold her by the shoulders, but she flinched away. My high I felt suddenly bottoms out in my stomach and I feel sick. My heart is racing and it feels like it weighs 1000 lbs. “ Ethan..” My name on her lips always felt so sweet and intoxicating, but the way she’s saying it now feels sour, it feels wrong. I want her to change it. I want her to say it again, until it feels right. “ We knew this was temporary.” Her eyes were swelling, and a big tear dripped down her cheek, the same cheek that was pressed against my chest when we woke up this morning. “ This isn’t going to work, it was never going to work. We agreed to not get feelings for one another, we agreed this was just for fun.” Now she sounded frustrated. Those words stung. I felt my chest tighten and I stared at the ground with my hands on my hips. She can’t be serious? 

Of course we said those things. But that was before we spent everyday together for the past week and a half, that was before she came to stay with me at the ranch, and before she met my family and before our talks in my cabin, in the woods, in the truck and before we made the playlist and before we started holding hands and before that night that so clearly wasn't “just sex”.

before, before, before.That was before we found out what we were missing. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

“I thought- I thought that changed. I thought you were feeling what i was feeling too. I- I-" I trailed off, blinking back a tear in the process.

Something snapped in her “ Yea well, you thought wrong, and now look what’s happened” she gestured vaguely between us. “ Clearly this was a bad idea, Ethan.” My name sounded like venom leaving her mouth. “Clearly you were not truthful from the start and I'm sorry, but it’s not my fault that your hidden agenda didn't work out.”

Her words felt weak, like she didn't even believe what she was saying.

“ Are you fuckin’ kidding me right now? You're gonna put this all on me? You are really gonna stand there and not take accountability for anything?” Now I’m mad, this is not all my fault. She was there too, she felt it too, this was not one sided .

“ This wasn’t one sided, Westlyn.” I echoed my thoughts “ I know you don’t really feel that way. I don’t know what changed for you, but don’t stand there pretendin’ that I'm the only one that blurred our boundaries, you knew exactly what was happening, this didn't feel like ‘just for fun’ for either of us. ”

She rolled her eyes at me and scoffed at my words, but her eyes still poured out tears. I can see right through her. She just stood there shaking her head and I heard her say something under her breath along the lines of “you're unbelievable”.

“ Oh, you wanna talk about “unbelievable” ? Your act right now is unbelievable, Weslyn. You can roll your eyes and scoff and huff and cross your arms and stand there all high and mighty on yourself but I can see it in your face, I can see it in your eyes. You know exactly how you feel. But you're scared. And you would rather push me away and guard that heart of yours, than take a chance.”

Her lip trembled and she was silent. Another huge tear streamed down her face and she wiped it away aggressively with the heel of her palm, pretending like it didn’t happen, pretending like what we had felt for each other, didn't happen.”

She kept silent, and still held a scowl on her face. I leaned in and asked calmly “Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong, Wes, please”.

She took a step closer to me, and i held my breath, waiting for her to say that she couldn’t, and when she did say it, i was ready to forgive her instantly, i was ready to place my lips on hers and hold her to me and never let go, to tell her that we were worth a try, that we had a good thing going between us.

She leaned in and I waited, her face softened and she looked me in the eyes. Shes gonna come to her senses, shes gonna change her mind, she's-

“ Goodbye, Ethan.”.

She turned around and started walking, disappearing into the crowd of people. She didn’t even look back.