#ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME SHULK

[mirensiart]

Shulk going dad joke mode at the tender age of 18.... dude had a huge arsenal of them ready when Nikol was born i can tell

Reyn laughing at Shulk's pun is also so funny, Nikol didn't stand a chance, that kid was born surrounded by constant puns lmao

[shayminlucario07]

Spoiler Warning! For Xenoblade Chronicles 3: Future Redeemed

Okay... just beat Xenoblade Chronicles 3: Future Redeemed, thoughts and reactions in no particular order-

1. What the FUCK was any of that actually supposed to mean?

2. What the hell was that final post-credit-scroll shot of the two planets and fusing into one and that blue spec of light coming towards the planet?

3. HOLY FUCKING BINGLE, THEY ACKNOWLEDGED X (Chapter 5′s cutscenes inside Origin- when Na’el was talking to Matthew, the radio in the background talked about the Earthlife Colonization Project, which is what created the White Whale, the ship that crashed on Mira, in X) IT’S THE SAME UNIVERSE, CONFIRMED, I WAS FUCKING *RIGHT*

4. So... Glimmer is the daughter of Rex and Pyra, right? We saw in the ending of XC3 proper that Pyra, Mythra, and Nia were all holding babies- does Glimmer have a sibling somewhere that we don’t know about? ...Is that why Matthew had an aegis crystal in his gauntlets...? Is he technically her... cousin? Is that how that would work? God why are the Pneuma girls so confusing XC2 what’s wrong with you

5. So... Nikol is the son of Shulk and Fiora, right?

6. So... Panacea is the daughter of Reyn and Sharla, right?

7. So... Linka is the daughter of Zeke and Pandoria, right? Why did they name their daughter after a type of honey?

8. Okay, what the fuck was A? Why is she named in the same format as the Moebius/Consuls? What the HELL is her deal? WHERE WAS HER CHARACTERIZATION

9. Did... Did Shulk, Rex, and A become the new Trinity Processor? Are Rex and Shulk like. The new Logos and Pneuma? Because A is Ontos. Is that the intended implication there? Because that’s DEFINITELY how I read it

10. So. Rex and Shulk like. Barely mentioned that they know/knew Nia and Melia. The Queens weren’t even in Future Redeemed. In fact, none of the other party members from 1 and 2 were ever mentioned by name- just acknowledged in passing dialogue. I said this about 3 proper and I’ll say it about Future Redeemed, too- that’s extremely fucking disappointing.

11. HOLY SHIT RIKU IS RIKI’S SON? RIKU IS KINO AND NENE’S BROTHER?

12. Why was Manana not acknowledged in Future Redeemed? And why did N show up but not M? WHY IS THE AGNIAN CAST SO NEGLECTED THIS IS DRIVING ME MAD

13. This one’s just me being ridiculous and dumb because I think it’s funny but I’m still kind of mad we didn’t get an Elma post-credits. ESPECIALLY NOW THAT X HAS BEEN ACKNOWLEDGED LIKE COME ON. They could’ve even given us KOS-MOS or T-ELOS but they didn’t! Fucking cowards.

14. So... Fogbeasts got kind of explained, finally? But why were they in Bionis’ Shoulder? And why did we never see them in Alrest? I’m very confused by this.

15. Most egregious of all- NO TYREA AGAIN. Which singlehandedly makes this trash. Justice for Tyrea. The only way this can be redeemed is if Eunie is canonically Tyrea’s daughter. There was a guy in Future Connected who had a crush on Tyrea so just fucking send it Monolith

TL;DR- Too short. Not enough of... well, not enough game, really. XC3 proper only having 7 chapters wasn’t enough for it but that honestly would’ve probably been about the perfect length for Future Redeemed, but. Alas. I can’t say I was disappointed, really, but I also don’t know that it met my expectations... much like XC3 proper, I’m very conflicted about this.

[daydreaming-maiden]

I need to process the stuff I saw in the Xenoblade 3 DLC trailer, I’ll spoiler it all just to be safe.

There’s six party members we know of for the DLC. They’re Matthew, A, Nikol, Glimmer, Shulk, and Rex. We also see Na’el (I think that’s the right spelling?), Alvis, and Riku.

-Matthew is probably N’s great-grandson, with the old guy we saw get killed by N in the trailer being his grandpa/N’s son we saw in the flashbacks. Probably Founder Vandham. He punches people, kinda looks like Mr. Xenogears, part of me wants him in Smash. He’s an attacker, makes sense.

-A has some kind of connection to Alvis. She has an earring that looks like his core crystal, the silver hair, class name seems to be Monado Fencer, and her name is A. She’s probably Consul A, outfit looks like it has elements from Alvis’s outfit and I’m seeing a bit of M’s outfit in there too. She’s a healer, didn’t expect that.

-Nikol is probably Shulk and Fiora’s son, but like Mio he’s not the original, just one of many incarnations of him throughout however long Aionios has been going on for. Probably Founder Ortiz. He’s a defender, we’ll get back to that.

-Glimmer is probably Rex and Pyra’s daughter, and another Aionios incarnation like Mio and Nikol. She has a very Pneuma hairstyle and the green core crystal, I’m also getting Lora vibes for some reason. Probably Founder Rhodes. She’s a healer, seems about right.

-Shulk’s back, he grew his hair out and lost an arm. He’s also a defender now, so lots of Dunban inspiration and maybe passed that down to his kid Nikol. He’s the mentor to Founder Reid but there’s no sign of them anywhere.

-Rex is also back, but he lost an eye. He’s an attacker and he mentioned some meme lines in the trailer, hopefully he’ll tell us the fifth rule of the salvager’s code. He’s the mentor to Founder Cassini, but we also don’t see them anywhere.

-Na’el seems to be an NPC from what we’ve seen. She’s probably Founder Doyle, making her Matthew’s sister. I think it’s lame that Matthew and Na’el look so similar to their great grandparents who were the same gender as they are, like give Matthew the core crystal or Na’el the blue eyes just SOMETHING.

-Alvis is here, he looks so pale get this man to a doctor. He’s got the Zanza-looking wings and still has the core crystal.

-Riku is here for some reason, and I don’t think Nopon are part of the cycle. Why is he here.

The Founders: -Known: Vandham (Matthew), Doyle (Na’el), Rhodes (Glimmer), Ortiz (Nikol) -Unknown: Cassini, Reid, mysterious 7th founder

I’ve seen some people say that A is either the 7th founder or possibly Shulk/Rex’s student, just hard to be sure since we don’t know what those 3 looked like.

With Mio and Glimmer, the only Rex kid we’re missing is Mythra’s. Really hope we get to see them. Since we also see people with the Ontos and Pneuma core crystals, maybe we’ll get lucky and see someone with the Logos crystal yes I know Malos died but anything’s possible.

There’s another thing in the trailer I wanna talk about, and the weird part is that I’ve seen literally no one talk about it.

This is Na’el/Founder Doyle, probably the sister of the DLC’s main protagonist Matthew. And here she is, looking like a member of Moebius with the outfit and mask, including THE ONTOS CORE CRYSTAL. WHY DOES SHE HAVE THIS. WHAT IS THE LINK BETWEEN HER, A, AND ALVIS. WHY DOES SHE LOOK LIKE SHE’S PART OF MOEBIUS. WHAT IS GOING ON.

[gexfan32]

Crystal of Shining Justice: Reminiscing

Nia: Okay, Rex, I’m done debriefing the whole Aionios thing with Melia, now you can talk to shulk

Rex: Long time no see, especially with both eyes!

Shulk: Very funny

(in the background)

Mio: The Salvager’s Code Rule 8 variant 2 decrees “If someone says to run a race back and it isn’t past bedtime, you’re honor bound to run it back”

Glimmer: But Crustip Caverns, really, Mio, are you sure you want to play THAT track again

Shulk: Glad to see that she’s quite lively.

Rex: I know I told you in Aionios but it bears repeating, lil Glim ere’ couldn’t be more different from the soldier we met there. Just about the only thing they have in common is their stubbornness. And as much of a mark the soldier left in that world, I had really missed this Glim, and am so glad to have her back, and see her safe and sound.

Shulk: It’s much the same with Nikol.

Rex: Now I think it, this Glim and that Glim would find each other right insufferable really, cause Aionios Glim would be mad Lil Glim is so full of herself, and Lil Glim would find Aionios Glim especially boring.

[totallynotthecrystalskull]

(Kinda Late) Nintendo Direct thoughts (2/8/23)

Teensy bit late on this one due to being at work all day, but I wanted to capture my thoughts on the latest nintendo direct (since we hadn’t had one in months and who knows when the next one is). Go over the highlights, the cool, the meh, and everything that I thought was interesting. Not gonna cover absolutely EVERYTHING, just the things that caught my attention (sorry Samba de Amigo and Fashion Dreamer, I’m sure you’re fun games and all, I just have other things I wanna talk about)Pikmin 4: Looks neat, that’s kinda all I’ve got on it. Visually it’s beautiful for a Switch game, but it’s not a franchise I’ve really cared about, so I’m pretty indifferent on it. Pretty happy for the Pikmin fans though, I know you guys have REAAAALLY been waiting on this one, so good to see it’s finally getting shown off. The dog thing Oatchi feels a little... weird though. Kinda like Pikmin’s version of Poochy or some other example of added dog-like companion getting added to a series, they always feel a little funky when added in my opinion. I dunno though, maybe it fits right in with the rest of Pikmin, I’m not exactly super knowledgeable on the series anyways. Xenoblade Chronicles 3 DLC: That’s neat for Xenoblade fans. I only ever played X on the Wii U, so I don’t have much of a connection to the series, but hope fans of the game are hyped (also, was that Shulk and an older Rex? That was kind of a surprise to see). Who knows though, maybe I’ll try the series out again sometime in the future (probs not though, they seem too big for me) Dead Cells DLC: Ok, with every update this game seems to get, the more tempted I am to get into the game. Actually, why haven’t I gotten it yet?! It looks fun as hell, and it’s got a ton of fun crossovers with Shovel Knight, Katana Zero, Castlevania, and so so so many more games. I Really gotta give it a go at this point. Ghost Trick port: oh HELL yeah, I’ve been wanting to play this one for ages now! The Ace Attorney Trilogy has been a fun way for me to get into those original DS games, and I’m hoping this Ghost Trick port will accomplish the same thing! Bayonetta Origins: It looks ok. That’s about all I’ve got for it. It’s style is pretty different from the other Bayo games which I really like, but this one’s just not really speaking to me as much. Splatoon 3 DLC: Ok, first we’re gonna get Inkopolis as a DLC... Hub? Ok, that’s a bit odd in my opinion. Like, it’ll be nice to revisit Inkopolis after ALL these years, but at the same time it’s like... it’s just a hub... DLC just for an different hub area? Feels kinda... underwhelming I guess? I dunno, just feels like a weird thing to add. As for the Side Order DLC, now THAT ONE’S catching my eyes! More Pearl and Marina, and Splat 2′s hub being completely white and covered in Coral is so mysterious, I love this!! Fire Emblem Engage DLC: I don’t care who you add, I’m not playing this FE Game! Omega Strikers: Honestly, I’ll probs forget about this game in a bit, but I do like the character designs. I dunno, looks fun enough, a neat take on Air Hockey. Might pick it up as a Multiplayer game when I have friends over (ya know, if that ever happens). Etrian Odyssey Collection: Oooooooo, ok, I’m down for this. Only ever played a bit of EOU2: The Fafnir Knight, but the mechanics of it’s dungeon crawling and custom map making was a lot of fun!! Might pick this collection up! Advance Wars 1+2 ReBoot Camp: Hell yeah! I’ve been looking forward to this one ever since it was announced!! It’s also a series I haven’t played before, but it looks so charming and fun, happy it finally has a release date! NSO GameBoy Advanced: Didn’t care much about the GB additions, but the GBA being added?! YEAAAAAH!!! I mean I wish it wasn’t a part of the Expansion pass, but also, YEAAAAAAH!!! I love the sprite work on so many GBA games, and plenty of them I’ve wanted to play myself, so I’m really happy they’re being added (especially both Superstar Saga and The Minish Cap, I fucking love the sprite work in those games so god damn much, AAAAAHHHHH!!!) Metroid Prime Remake: Hell yeah (again)! I’ve always wanted to try the Prime games, so this should be a fun way to get into the series! And available today too?!?! Mario Kart DLC: I’m liking the look of this new course, and getting Birdo in any Mario game is always awesome!! Hoping they’ll add more characters now too since we know that’s not off the table anymore. I’d love Fawful or Starlow to appear in a MK game, but let’s be realistic, that’s not happening Extras: Magalor mode in Kirby seems alright I guess, looks a little forgettable though. That Detective Danganronpa game looks weird. New Fantasy life is neat, first game was enjoyable enough, but I’ll probs pass on this new one. Neat that there’s gonna be a new Professor Layton game. The DecaPolice game looks like it could be fun, but at this point I’m hesitant on any game where you play as cops (though at the same time, it looks to be more Detective than Police, and it’s probs based more on the Japanese police rather than western police. Still hesitant though) And last, but ABSOLUTELY not least

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom: This section’s probably going to get pretty long since I am a huge Zelda fan, but first, let me just say, HOLY SHIT WAS THAT MATTHEW MERCER IN ZELDA!?!?!! FUUUCK YEAAAAH!!! Ok, all of my hype aside though, I am actually a little mixed on him being in it. Not cause there’s anything wrong with Matt’s performance (dude always kills it in his roles!), but because now when I’m playing the game, I’ll just hearing him as Matthew Mercer instead of whoever he’s playing (though, that’s not bad either. Hearing Mercer playing any role is always a very enjoyable experience, dude’s got a magic voice and I love every bit of it). And better yet, was he playing mother-fuckin’ GANONDORF?!?! I mean, he’s not immediately who I would’ve imagined for Ganondorf’s voice, but god damn am I always down for some more wonderful Matthew Mercer villain dialogue, especially for my favorite Villain!! But that said though... there’s also the possibility that the trailer mislead us and he’s NOT going to be Ganondorf, but instead playing the role of a new hidden villain instead (another Zant, Ghirahim, Astor, ect., an evil minion type character). I thought it was a little odd that there weren’t any shots of Ganondorf actually speaking, and Mercer’s voice feels a little mismatched for the (currently) dried up and mummified corpse of the Gerudo King, so that makes me wonder if we’re actually hearing dialogue from an unrevealed new villain (though alternatively it could just be dialogue from a... *ahem*,Rehydrated Ganondorf, but we don’t know if that’s going to actually happen or not). I’m not entirely sold on this theory myself (as I could very easily just be looking too far into some small details), but it is a theory I did want to bring up. The Dialogue and framing certainly point to him possibly being the King of all Evil, but those little things... it just feels... a little suspicious is all. As for everything else in the trailer though, OH MY GOD AM I HYPED!!! More Zonai stuff, plenty more enemy varieties, it looks like we’re getting both some sky islands AND underground stuff, there looks to be a ton of interesting changes to hyrule itself, and I CAN’T TELL IF THAT WAS A REDEAD OR A STALFOS BUT OH MY GOD AM I HAPPY THEY’RE BACK!! Looks like we’re getting some new Shiekah stuff, lots of new Zonai stuff, and Link’s new arm looks so interesting!! God am I hyped for this SO GOD DAMN MUCH!!! May can’t come soon enough!!

[larrythefloridaman]

Rewatch notes update! Cpuk 12-14! These notes are getting Dense as i have to resist the urge to give play by plays. The P. Rool arc sits below the cut.

CPUK12! j0hn intro ep of sode <3

Johannsen's champion ruleset is kept a secret at first, but as im sure you'll remember, was 'i get to fight in all round 3s. because im boredt im here to scrap not sit around in the champion's suite.'

Introduces team calibur as the team of disrespect and Possible Evil. Korioni the ice dragon from hell being the first calibur contestant post crimson is very funny to me especially because it's the Chill head talking in this episode. Hell has no ice but hes just vibing with it. Ryan: "Squid Jenny tried to go down and ask like 'whats your story?' and all she got was 'I'm an ice dragon from hell.'" Comona: "no big deal." Ryan: "He's not like 'YOU ALL WILL SUFFER, BLEGH' hes just like 'yeah im from hell. dont worry about it.' Comona: "like 2000s neopets rp boards." Korioni: "grass grows, birds fly, and brother? I'm from hell." Chill head's Dramatic And Aggro brother getting retroactively vagued about

Spaghebbi <3 Comona has heard of her, from when she applied to the tournament, looking over her resume, and she uses the stage name spaghebbi to advertise her restaurant of the same name to boost her brand.

Team charm, Pixel! Fashionable funny doggie here to look good and give the world a show.

Team clutch, Jacob. Normal suburban 11 year old who plays fortnite that acquired special powers after killing real actual ganondorf from the legend of zelda. He's the nephew of Somebody in cpu kerfuffle. Jay's submission information: 'also jacob's like. Stupid. Like REALLY stupid even for an 11 year old.' Guess we know why he didn't notice anything was weird considering the guy he's the protege of, punished k. rool, isn't actually there but rather Some Guy Stealing His Identity,

Team Chonk P. Rool! Plumb <3 As we eventually learn the intro information on p. rool is only applicable to the guy he stole the identity of. But the real punished k. rool is a rude ass chaos fiend who's scales dulled to brown after enduring a punishing training arc. 

Team cones! John my beloved <3 Comona: "Everybody knows Hackers are meant to be disruptive, to lurk in the shadows but Hackerman John not exactly the kind of hacker people would think him to be. He has his very very long universal key- the Skeleton Key if you would- but he doesn't just use it to hack, but he also uses it to slice and dice. He'll hack but you're gonna know he's coming." Ryan: "but you know what key he uses the most right?" Comona: "which ones that?" Ryan, doing a shulk impression: "BACKSLASH!"

Team Cross, johnathan joestar. Jojokes. Gentlemanliness.

Team Craken, Duke Salad! King of the crop. That thing's straight up just some lettuce Hoedown and Patch grew that came to life <3

Exhibition match- Johannsen vs. Blond Sora! Ryan realizes he hasnt put johannsen into the system yet and comona and Ryan joke about maybe needing john to help out with fixing the overlays

Duke salad v. P. Rool - P. Rool's infamous comeback potential is first described RIGHT out the gate. Comona: "when you're fighting P. Rool and you're in the lead, you don't want to give him time to consider the last time he got his ass beat, you don't want to let him imagine that wall because he will use those feelings." Haha yeah he sure will. Several tournaments of forced losses will sure as fuck give him Some Feelings To Use.

Duke Salad nearly zeroes to death the first stock of the second match and P. Rool dunks him anyway for a 2-0. Comona: "P. Rool THRIVES when he's behind."

Pixel vs. Johnathan. Commentators still nervous about Johannsen's special secret rule. Jojokes abound. Pixel is trying too hard to style on johnathan. Pixel gets 2-0'd and three stocked, and Johnathan finds his tenacity inspiring. Pixel: "dont patronize me." But he isnt hes just earnest like that

Hackerman John vs. The Ice Dragon From Hell, Korioni. A joke is made about John sounding like Patrick Warburton, which. god. god no. Awful. /lh 

Ryan: "See, I've played enough Overwatch to know you don't actually need compatible technology to hack, you can just go LEGS? HACKED, COMBAT ROLL? HACKED, FLASH GRENADE? HACKED."

They land in reset bomb forest for match one and Ryan says Korioni casually burned this village down because it was full of sinners, You Know How It Is, and now uses the burnt space as a vacation home. Huh.

Comona: "my favorite part about hackerman john is the way that he actually hacks his own body, like he bulks up his muscles and a variety of other various things. The weird part about it is he's not even a cyborg or anything he just hacks… muscles." Ryan: "taking tips from Sombra." lol. lmao

They go stock for stock, despite commentators concerned at the start that John would, as a simple mortal hacker, have trouble dealing with An Actual Literal Dragon. Korioni is also confused by this. Korioni: "why is this Mortal giving me so many problems what is his Deal?" John bullies immortals for fun moments <3

J0hn activates Glass Cannon Protocol (smash art) last stock high percents and goes 'either im hitting and winning or getting hit and losing. either way im making it end here' and Comona admires the gumption even though it costs john the match. John's Decisive Straightforwardness is probably something Larry admires about him honestly, considering how much more fidget-y about what-ifs he seemed to be before they were together, based on the nccts. Guy who "knows exactly who he is and what he wants to be" (cpuk17) for sure.

Also, commentators use she/her a few times for Korioni in addition to he/him, or at least, as canon later establishes them as a hydra, the Normal Chill Guy head. (nccts making it clear this head's individual name is Jonny. Lot of johns and jons in this tournament. CPU Kerfuffle, shockingly, one of the only shows ive enjoyed with a somewhat realistic amount of Johns.) Good for her!

John doesn't do so hot in the first match or the start of the second, but starts playing dirty and quickly, disrespectfully turns the set around. The first round three of the tournament reveals Johannsen's special rule- The Rat Fights in All Round Threes, at a lower cpu level. (Its funny to me that every time ryan wants to nerf a character he lowers the cpu levels but like. That doesnt make them Weaker it makes them Dumber, which sometimes is Advantageous- there's a brief terrifying moment where johannsen is in the lead despite being lower leveled because sometimes a lower level cpu will go for plays a level 9 would be too smart to go for or expect and sometimes, that pays off!) Anyhow. John utilizes the rat as a distraction to make easier work of Korioni. Korioni's a little scared of the rat.

Comona: "John must have paused the game to get that tech because that was IMPOSSIBLE." There's a joke about John's 'hackerman eyes' and him getting visions of the Very Immediate future and skipping them if they're just not interesting enough. Understanding in retrospect why I got so attached to The Visor as a design element. Also, Quad, in a later episode: "I can't see the future. Yet." Why you holding out on the man, John? Gonna share the precog software with the rest of the class? Anyway. potentially another drop of evidence in my 'sensitivity to/ability to manipulate/perceive the script is generally perceived as Weird Psychic Phenomena by the denizens of the cpukverse but doesn't seem to be Known About, Understood or Believed In outside specific circles' worldbuilding speculation bucket

Jacob vs. Spaghebbi. Spaghebbi replaced her arms with spaghetti. Jacob is an 11 yr old that plays fortnite. He feels Exactly like captain falcon when he wipes out tilted towers. Jacob is the kind of kid to eat microwave chicken nuggets off of the fine china. Comona and Ryan chatter nervously about how it feels almost like theyre watching a real person play as Spaghebbi plays with her food. They feel like Spaghebbi could pass the turing test. Jacob gets spaghetti sauced on. 

Losers bracket! Duke Salad vs. Pixel. Ryan: "so. who do you think is going to win, and Be Nice About it." Comona: "to put this lightly- as lightly as possible to be kind as i can… after Pixel's SHAMEFUL display in winners bracket, i don't see pixel standing a CHANCE against duke salad. If i put it any lighter than that I would be telling you lies."

Johnathan taught Pixel Hamon and Pixel did much better against the Duke than expected in their first match. I don't know enough about jojos to comment on this. Pixel and the Duke go stock for stock in match 2, and Duke takes it. Game Three. Rat Time. Ryan: "From what I know about Pixel, they're gonna get tilted by the rat, but maybe their training with Johnathan has made them a little more patient."

The Red Kraken visits Patch farms often, but Duke Salad's never ridden on their ship, the Crimson Melody. Duke salad makes the match a 2v1 and takes johannsen and pixel stocks in a killstreak. Duke Salad's patience is emphasized, between poison cloud and the special cannonball move, and takes Pixel's last stock.

Korioni vs. Jacob. Jacob just wandered in here and fought a restaurant owner and is now fighting An Ice Dragon From Hell. 11yr old fortnite player vs. A Dragon. Ryan: "equal power."

Yoshi's Island. Comona: "ah, this is where korioni actually grew up, when they were a young wyrmling." Ryan: "yeah, before The Great Catastrophe. You'll see the great catastrophe later on I'm sure." Korioni: "you are 11 years old? It's cute that you have a concept of time." 

Ryan: "I love the lore with Korioni right now, she's just an eldritch being but she's like. Incredibly Chill about it. Pun intended." Comona: "completely intended."

Korioni is getting her ass beaten by an 11 year old because Kori keeps trying to outplay jacob and stumbling into failure. Jacob is not winning, korioni is losing, crucial difference. Korioni starts bringing it back, until Jacob fucking Gets Him offstage. Comona: "the dragon's pride is often their downfall."

(Knocking on door) Are You Winning Son? Jacob, with his single bouncing screensaver braincell: "yeah im winning i Love bloodsport!"

Second match, Korioni's home turf, Hell. Korioni loses her first stock in less than 20 seconds. Comona says Jacob's gotta be scouted for esports teams soon looking at these plays.

Korioni's losing the spirit to fight and goes yknow what? Maybe I should just leave the fighting to the kids and go continue being An Awesome Dragon From Hell instead, maybe cpu kerfuffle just isn't for me. Jonny gave it a go and isnt interested in showing up again. As we see later though, his siblings/other heads however…

Korioni and Pixel go for coffee as the first guys out. Comona: "I'd love to see a just… ice dragon from hell. At starbucks." Ryan: "yeah, with this fashion gay wolf." Comona: "power couple." Ryan: "we should leave the gossip to squid jenny." huh. pixel/jonny. donkey and dragon from shrek type beat

P. Rool vs Johnathan Joestar. Comona suggests Jojo's nurturing empathy and Punished K. Rool, who thrives on punishment, are bound to clash over fundamentally opposed ideals. As we know, this isnt actually punished k. rool but Plum, who's 'thriving when punished' comeback factor is more fueled by rage than anything. Match goes about as they usually do for Plum- hes losing at first, down to the wire, and then firmly Doesn't. Death by chonk. Lot of jojokes i do not understand. Johnathan homie stocks while down a game. Ryan suggests it was so his lead doesn't stay too big and activates Prool's punishment complex. Comona: "P. Rool functions on revenge and revenge alone, and Johnathan knows better than to let him tap into those selfishly driven emotions. P. Rool still does his stupid comeback thing. For the fourth time. Ryan's start of darkness, almost whining: "die already..." Comona: "this is- this is rapidly approaching plot armor levels of ridiculous."

John vs. Spaghebbi. Comona: "for all intents and purposes if someone didnt know what this was, you'd walk up to these two and these are just two people fighting in the streets, like whats going on, but despite these two's normal, grassroots upbringings, these are two formidable opponents. I'm reminded of the dragonball world fighting tournaments- these are people who just fight as a hobby and enjoy it and testing their abilities."

Comona: "johns a very sneaky player, i always feel like johns getting sauced and then i actually look and percents are even." Ryan: "hes very funny because he'll look like hes getting his ass kicked and then hes just. winning." John survives past 200% on his first stock without using Shield Protocol.

John chokes last minute in their second match, throwing because He Wanted The Rat. He Has Chosen The Rat. Guy who is Completely Willing and Unphased By the prospect of embarrassing himself if it means getting to see a lil guy. Its suggested this was an attempt at a strategic play but if it was it did Not work out. He wanted to see a little guy. lets be honest. Spaghebbi's playing loose, cutting loose, putting on her fucking footloose. Feet, foot feet, dance on your fucking feet.

The giants from majora's mask are hired on staff to keep the moon from crashing into the beach. 

Comona: "Hackerman John's gonna need to hire some help to get through this one." Ryan audibly struggles to confidently remember Dan's name to make a joke about John hiring him. John gets very close to bringing it back, but ultimately spaghebbi takes it. 

Chat member: "Hackerman John and Shapeshifter Larry. Gay?" Ryan, with an air of mystery: "who knows?" the seed is planted.

Jojo v. Jacob. A gentleman must always shake hands first. Jacob knows jojo memes and nothing else about it. Jojo loses a stock second match at 10 seconds in. Jacob really really really likes upsmashes. This set is mostly direct match commentary. People chant and beg and PLEAD for the rat and they get what they want. Jojo, Jacob, Johannsen. J. Jacob wins.

Chat member: "what is Johannsen's Last name?" Ryan: "no idea, have to get squid jenny to check on that." There's speculation in chat about Johannsen being, in some sense, a jojo,

Hackerman John vs. Duke Salad. John loses his first stock VERY fast. You can't hack a plant. It's not allowed. It doesn't work. John loses first match spectacularly. Ryan is getting a report from the field. Ryan: "Hackerman John's showing some weird signs of… something, he's panting really hard, he's sweating a lot according to Squid Jenny- maybe if this goes to round three we'll see what's going on." John manages to pull ahead and take round 2.

Ryan: "update on the report from the field from Jenny, the sweating from hackerman John has continued, and with that successful victory, he's making an announcement to everybody. Let me make sure I'm hearing this right- 'time to reveal the true form.' I don't know what that means but I get the feeling we're about to find out." Strangest part of this is how much effort it appears to take for John to… whatever this is. He changes form pretty casually later and it doesn't seem like maintaining his human-looking appearance takes him any active effort in later appearances, nor do I see why it would, so my best guess is he's psyching himself up to do the Robot Reveal and. maybe powering through having a bit of a panic attack about it? In nccts terms this is extra interesting because this is the moment on a narrative level he's first established as robotic in nature and as gaiden 2 and then the nccts later establish this means, script-sensitive, which j0hn explicitly mistakes for/processes as anxiety, so this must've Felt Pretty Weird.

Anyhow, introducing- Hackerbot J0hn! With a freshly minted zero in his name. In a sudden turn of events, the reason he can augment himself so freely is because he's a robot that can hack other bots. And its round three, so there's also a Rat In The Mix. Duke Salad: "...I just fucking work here, man." 

J0hn, now working with the fullness of his robotic potential, still is not used to it even a little bit and does not do well. Drawbacks of not using your fucked up science-granted powers unless you think you need them for practical reasons- having MUCH less practice at using them than your boyfriend who uses his every ten minutes for fun or because he cant help it, I suppose. He's still hacking himself on the fly but in a very different style, Ryan says. He's actively less effective in combat in his 'true form' than he is in his human 'disguise,' but J0hn's just happy to have shown off his true self to the world and heads off to relax and get coffee. Ryan: "He can't drink it, but he's gonna go get it." 😔

Winners Finals. Prool vs. Spaghebbi. Round one goes to prool and its stupid and makes ryan understandably angry. Ryans asking the referees to double check and make sure all that was legal, and it seems to be. Round 2 goes similarly, even with Spaghebbi trying to play defensively against Prool's comeback power. Ryan admits as Spaghebbi loses 2-0 that he doesnt want Prool to be champion and, after saying he shouldn't metagame, that he cant just make him ditch to go back to his home dimension like dani, he says, no, fuck it, he doesnt want Prool to be champion, and hes willing to cheat to stop it from happening. 

Round one is thrown out with concerns about the legitimacy of the win on grounds of Prool pulling some fuckshit. Spaghebbi is given another match with him to set the record for real. Spaghebbi was perfectly fine with losing, but the refs called her out for a redo and she wasn't going to turn down another shot at winning. Prool is starting to get irritated with this- the refs gave their first round the a-okay already, why do they have to redo it anyway? Regardless, Prool fully confirms his 2-0.

Jacob vs. Duke salad. Mostly just match commentary, but a very fun set. Duke Salad's got his eyes on a rematch with Prool. 'Duke, you killed a child… Amazing!'

Duke Salad vs Spaghebbi. FOOD FIGHT. Round one on fountain of dreams. Very even, very steady very tense. Ryan's blatant bias is for duke salad, and the duke takes match one. Round 2 goes to Spaghebbi. Rat Time. Johannsen does very little and Spaghebbi wins.

Grand finals. Spaghebbi and Prool rematch. Getting a report from the field before the first round- Duke Salad has given Spaghebbi a gift. A House Salad, from the duke himself. She eats the salad and throws herself into the first match with Prool. 

Spaghebbi gets the first stock even after a cannonball to the head. Prool's comeback potential looms. Spaghebbi takes it to a last stock situation and Ryan holds his breath, trying not to hope, and he was right not to. Prool takes it last second despite Spaghebbi's huge percent lead. Ryan cant even bear to comment.

Round 2. Green Greens. Ryan keeps trying not to have hope Spaghebbi will take this so he wont be disappointed, his biases now fully, shamelessly on display, having turned against Prool entirely. Chat Member: "Hangry, red, villainous, anyone else think something's up?" Ryan: "...hm. i dont wanna make any assumptions, but…"

Ryan admits to being salty as chat comments on his deafening silence watching Prool and Spaghebbi fight, fully convinced she's going to lose. Hes right. she does. Prool wins.

Ryan openly declares he will not allow prool to become champion as he queues up the championship match. Ryan, talking out of his ass: "I know what you did, Punished K. Rool. I know. And I'm not letting you do it here." ← this is nothing and goes nowhere. he is using his powers of storytelling to say fuck this lizard because he doesnt want him to win <3

Hes too mad to even commentate about johannsen losing to Prool. He is grumbling and grouching and salty and peeved. 

Its time to break some rules! And so an exception is enshrined IN the rules- fuck prool. prool is jumped by a collection of competitors to be prevented from taking his earned championship- Johannsen, Captain Valentine, Big Yopper, Spaghebbi, Duke Salad, Rights Sentience, and Mario from Super Mario. Most of them are said to be there for revenge of some kind in a very handwavey sense, rights is supposedly there because Prool is 'an affront to rights,' ironic given this whole exchange is the tournament wrenching away Prool's rightfully earned win on a basis of 'fuck that guy in particular.' I assume while revenge is the blanket statement the real motive for the participating parties here is another chance at championship despite the breach of rules and fairness, not unlike Spaghebbi's unearned redo, and not unlike the competitors apparently devolving into mad max shenanigans offscreen when the champion's seat was left 'unclaimed' during the hiatus. (it was captain crimsons. but this was apparently left unacknowledged for 'fuck that guy' reasons which like. Is justified in a vacuum but is and has Become even more kinda retroactively weirdly targeted over time in a way as the comedically driven moral double standard about murder in the show reveals itself, as is hilariously demonstrated by the commentators discussing letting the Grunk, himself manslaughtered and brought back which everyone hates crimson for, just attack and/or kill whoever he wants if it's funny in the next season and as is briefly discussed in the nccts. Murder is okay but only if we like you and its funny 👍)

Ryan had fun watching him get ganged up on. Valentine gets the last hit in, and the three characters who got kills on prool enter a four player free for all with him and whoever wins gets championship. Ryan: "if Prool wins this one, I promise I will accept it. Just kidding I'll pull some other bullshit because im a bitch baby The Real Championship Begins!"

Captain Valentine wins, finally getting his groove back after 11. Captain Valentine: "Fuck That Rat!" Ryan: "Honestly? To be fair? Right now? You know what, I think Captain Valentine's just happy that in the end he doesnt have to fight that FUCKING rat again." 

Ryan throws that rat at him for shits and giggles. Apparently this fight is happening because Val just wants to put his pride back together. He is doing worse than last time at first, but hes developing a begrudging respect for the little fella, and manages to pull out a win. Ryan promises Prool can come back next tournament and try again, for the sake of fairness, and dont worry chat, he has a plan.

CPUK13! ryan catches jay and comona up to speed. Jay, punished k. rool and jacob came from another universe. They had tickets for the Dimensional Plane (GOOD pun, and also very funny confirmation that the bus is not the only means of public interdimensional transport. In the nccts universes are implied to have some element of physical proximity/distance between universes to account for with regard to travel time, what with nelson warp not being instantaneous and such. so i suppose it makes sense there might be different forms of dimensional transport accommodating for said travel time, planes are faster long distance than cars and all,) but jay couldnt go. Punished K. Rool was such a heel however that noone wanted him to win, so there was a 7v1 to stop him from becoming champion. Jay: "yeah thats about accurate to what i expected."

Ryan: "now, this was a very big breach of The Rules, and the Iggy Collective elected, in the interest of fairness, to invite P. Rool back to try again, along with some other people." 'In the interest of fairness' is the Funniest way that could be put because whats fair about that. You blocked him from becoming champion as a group Just Because You Dont Like Him, and then tell him 'you can go ahead and try again if you want!' With full intent to do it again if he wins. Like thats not fairness you are playing matador and P. Rool is an angry bull for whom there is no winstate. "We'll let you win if you can win when we won't let you win."

Jay, talking about Punished: "Prool is a really good fighter, and yknow nobody likes to acknowledge that hes a really good fighter, because he's just an asshole. Hes the biggest heel. He counter picks to stages he wont even win on because he just wants to piss you off. He'll turn items on when its illegal." Ryan: "damn. What an asshole. We all hate him." Plum does not understand why everyone hates him so much, alas hes been mistaken for Some Guy Who Sucks whose behavior he obliviously resembles 😔

Zagreeus, from Hayds! Zagreeus is a 14 yr old edgy bi kid that loves and kins zagreus from hayds. His submission information states that he found zagreus's plight with his parents and life in darkness relatable, and has tried to summon gods before, failing every time but once, when a god took pity on him and didnt want him burning down his parents garage with a gasoline summoning circle. Some unnamed goddess granted him the powers he wanted, and with them, and equipped with his power glove (which is So Bad, and that he uses to play hayds,) he joined cpu kerfuffle. Okay so what id remembered about him kinning zagreus so hard he developed his powers either wasnt exactly accurate or that's how the commentators simplify it later or smthn because Wow

Matrimony Knight! Just likes marriage, especially gay marriage. Ryan princess bride mawwiage bit is going to happen All Night.

Genwun! My miserable little clown submission. Ngl when i submitted them i had No idea how bad some people's experiences with genwunners were, they were just A Bizarre Subset of Nostalgia Blind Internet Weirdos With Absurd Beliefs that i knew existed in the abstract but had never met any. Regardless, they get better though and genfour has evolved normal opinions about pokemon and willingness to accept the progression of time. they're my one and only cringefail submission and I do love them.

Chili's! Ryan: "I can't imagine what other restaurant chain a Red Robin would represent." Comona: "yeah, me either." Chili's will get so very angry with you if you label her as any other restaurant. The commentators react with confusion to Jay implying red robin was ever a restaurant that existed, and jay says it must be something that only exists in his dimension. It's all Chili's now. The family coming of age rites name change domination of a new restaurant thing established in cpuk 23 truly be rewriting history huh

Machiavelli! Submission information states: Machiavelli is a science project using the tournament as field practice for testing and creating the perfect killing machine, though it is sometimes very clueless, self-destructive and dimwitted in its actions and lacking knowledge. It adapts to mimic it's opponents fighting styles to learn as combat progresses. Exact sentience unknown, although its intelligence appears to sit somewhere between a child and a dog, loyally following the command of its 'owners,' but shows enough free will to act unprompted in pursuit of its own aimless whims. As for what Machiavelli is, and what he is made for, that information is as of yet unknown.

Twist! The mage aboard the red kraken and first member of the red kraken proper to appear. 

Sephiroth. Just The Real Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7 and remake. Ryan: "now you might be asking, 'why is he HERE?'" Jay: "do you think we could STOP HIM?! do you think WE know?!" He was not invited, he just showed up. Johannsen was gonna fight but Sephiroth was like *One-Winged Angel plays* (which follows him around like an aura) and Johansen was like *porky pig stammer* w. well Okay-

Sephiroth's comically long sword apparently pierced the hull of the Dimensional Plane and jay apologizes for possibly having brought this upon us all. I think sephiroth's sword should be like doug dimmadome's hat. Infinitely long so that you cant see the end of it whenever its funny for it to be that way

UPS Founder vs. Jacob exhibition match. Not much to comment on here, mostly just plain match commentary.

First match- Sephiroth vs. Chili's. Jay remarks nervously upon chili's resemblance to aerith, while discussing their hopes for the tournaments winners and Valentine's rule changes as champion- cutting a bunch of the weirder, messier stages off the list to leave mostly more clean, traditional ones. Chili's spellbook is a menu and her spells are named after menu items. Thoron is the bigmouth burger. Chili's down-aerithed him into hell <3 sephiroth, unamused: "puns are the lowest form of comedy." She remains rent free in his head the entire second round sending sephiroth to losers Immediately.

Jay: "does Chili's serve wings?" Ryan: "of course it does its a bar and grill, everywhere serves wings." Jay: "well it certainly does now!!" Ryan, getting it: "but only one wing." Comona: "you only get one. Choose Your Sauce Wisely."

Twist vs. Zagreeus. Extended bit about zagreeus being on a bad run and pronouncing greek gods names and things like weapons weird. zayus. Arr-TEM-is. Po-sedd-in. Shy-eld. Spee-are.

Comona: "zagreeus is failing the skill check, how did twist learn to fight like this?" Ryan: "she was born with it. And she may have absorbed the power of an eldritch god but thats beside the point."

Zagreeus loses hard first round. Jay: "if im zagreeus at this point im pulling out the cheat engine." Ryan: "you think so?" Comona: "i dont think the situations that dire yet, lets give him a little credit." Zag manages to take the second round on Gamer, as something of a gamer.

Jay: "if zagreeus is the son of hayds, then the son of zayus would be hercules?" (pronounced like molecules) Ryan: "no, its herakles, obviously" twist dunks zagreeus

Ryan starts queueing up p. rool and Jay pops off so hard it sounds like he stuck his microphone in his mouth. Jay: "im sorry. I get excited." 

Then machi gets queued up! Baby's first match, quick get the camera. Machi is small and light and Jay expresses concern for his ability to survive P. Rool's heavy hits. Jay: "of course, i have no reason to assume hes lightweight considering he's completely original and resembles no other character." Comona: "as much as i'd like to say Machi will pull out a win here, and I do think he'll get off to a hot start. P. Rool always comes back. Like a boomerang."

Ryan is trying to have hope P. Rool will lose. Jay makes the first comment suggesting something is amiss with regard to Punished K. Rool, saying that P. Rool as he knew him HAD been a huge heel but after eating a loss he'd gone away for awhile and when he returned, he'd thought he'd grown, showing his stuff as an incredibly good but much fairer fighter, and that this regression into heeldom is… odd. Machi's like one of the only fighters ive seen consistently dodge pretty successfully with plum's stupid fucking gun. Powerful little dodgebeast. Got SO close to beating p. rool first round. Machiavelli is so powerful and perfect and also balling <3

The second match is so frustrating because machi is working so hard. and i know it's for naught. Anyway its very funny that they describe Machi's battle prowess as 'playing 5D Chess' when babygirl you KNOW he's eating pieces. A close, exciting game.

Matri vs. Genwun. Jay: "having only played one game in their entire life, I think genwun's experiences- theyre pretty limited, having only played pokemon red and blue. I feel like Genwun's gonna lack the matchup knowledge they're gonna need here that they'd have if they played Literally Any Other Video Game or watched anything but Star Wars."

Ryan clarifies again for someone in chat that Iggy and his collective of friends and companions are the showrunners, staff currently including Squid Jenny as field reporter and Home MD as the field medic.

P. Rool hungrybox at the grocery store copypasta

Matri and Genwun slug it out. Comona: "this match is just- The idealism of being together forever for the rest of your life vs.-" Ryan: "being a genwunner." Comona: "I was gonna say never branching out and being alone your entire life." Ryan, more insistently: "yeah, being a genwunner."

Comona, after Matri takes first stock hard: "that is the only time genwun is ever gonna get something put up his ass." GOD!!!!!!!!!!

Jay: "read that like he was reading their vows!" Matri (Comona): "i do promise to WRECK your ASS in SMASH, in Sickness and in Health," Ryan: "matrimony knight can see the FUTURE hes going 'This Will End In Divorce' and then Finishing It!" Jay: "that was not the matchup of two people who have never met, i think these two have Fought Before, these two have a History." They share no words before starting another fight, and genwun looks pissed.

Matri is said to be steel/fairy type, neither of which being things Genwun understands. Also its noted gender wasnt introduced until gen 2 outside the nidorans, ergo why genwun does not participate. Beloved cringe ass loser nonbiney submission of mine. Genwun gets 2-0'd. 

Sephiroth vs. Zagreeus. Sephiroth gets his makeup from sephora. Jay: "I would love nothing more than for Sephiroth to have stowed away in my trunk, forced himself into the competition and then just got stomped." It took way too long for like the third hit to land, they dance around eachother a lot. They discuss some confusion over the exact functionality of Sephiroth's wing mechanic. Jay: "I mean, its not like this is a game or anything we could just ask sephiroth-" Zagreeus reflects a flare killing sephiroth instantly before he can finish the bit. Despite some striking plays from zag he still firmly loses match one.

Zagreeus is adept in minecraft, sephiroth is a nineties kid ill equipped for modern gaming, despite Sephiroths best efforts zag takes first stock and gets so close to taking the second before seph finishes the match with a commanding comeback. sephiroth does Not congratulate him for doing his best but zag just gives a thumbs up to the rest of the fighters and heads to the cafe to relax. Zag got such a tough hand, dealt twist and sephiroth back to back, lil man fought SO hard

Genwun vs. Machiavelli. Genwun struggles to respect and consider their opponents playstyles for adaptation. Machiavelli doesn't respect his opponents not out of malice but because hes a baby that doesn't comprehend how or why he should.

First match takes place on the Unova Pokemon League. Genwun, upon seeing Shaymin: "the fucks that green thing." Machi LOVES to fake people out with the rock. Genwun doesnt get threestocked but gets sauced on so hard that an Event occurs anyway. They meet up with Matri to discuss something. Genwun has been given pokemon platinum on Nintendo DS. Time dilation occurs, (jay says it might be a side effect of him visiting from his dimension? More space and time intertwined-ness,) genwun speedruns the entirety of pokemon platinum in a near instant, watching the lucario movie while making dinner in the middle of this temporary time bubble and transforms into Genfour. Comona suggests they saw shaymin in the background and were like 'i… dont know that one but… i kinda like it…' and decided finally to give more things a try.

One-winged angel plays. Machi: "why do i hear boss music." Genfour's newfound excitement for new things powers them to take like. the only match they ever have <3 as jay says, genfour might make a friend, something genwun never had, and that friend might just be machiavelli!

Megalovania duck hunt. Genfour looks at retro games and says No. Im Clean Now. Nostalgia was their drug of choice and they Want No Part Of It anymore they want to be a Well Rounded Being Now. 

Comona: "im gonna be real with you i need genfour to win this one, I need genfour to see, purely, the joy in living for the future with other people." Jay: "living your life as it is right in front of you, not restricting yourself in the past." Fun thematic foreshadowing for the rest of the season, methinks, given the coming arc villain, introduced in the next episode and Machi's creator, Dr. O's whole 'gifted kid gone rotten' situation, for what is a gifted kid gone rotten but someone who grew up thinking they were special and better than other people and people used to KNOW that and could not accept the reality when they grew up that they are, in fact, just like any other person. (Reinforced by her ironic fate banished into the distant past and further reinforced by the nccts, where she was explicitly still hung up on high school bullshit.) Cue larry coming in swinging with the revelation to break her- that Some Broke Stupid Petty Criminal Cunt from the Grocery Store with enough Patience Determination Resilience and Willingness to Change and Adapt can do exactly what she does and Better when just given the opportunity because she isn't special <3

Genfour loses, but Machi follows them to the cafe to hang out a while. friends!! Its suggested in his submission info in gaiden 2, iirc, that genfour's original mewtwo form served as 'inspiration' for chessmaster's creation, and unlike Plus he wasn't treated as Brand New, so it feels safe to assume Mach 2 was made sometime between this episode and then- and the first time Dr. Order decided to show herself in the tournament instead of sending experiments or assistants and observing is the next episode. not all her creations go straight to tournament when created- Crimsonaut being Crimson's 'respawn point' and next host following being exorcised from the captain, Order's initial study of Crimson samples from the Grunk's corpse mentioned in the nccts, his created purpose and cover story for hosting crimson, and his being paired with the dimensional bus which has referenced usage in season one suggests both that he at least slightly predates cpuk11 and that direct combat was never what he was made for so there was no reason for him to be involved in it until dr. O needed to stock a full tourney, but Mach 2 was a second iteration of her attempts to make the Ultimate Fighter. Did Mach 2 maybe… do poorly enough in some kind of preliminary testing she didn't even bother sending him to tournament and took that slot herself instead? and was that why she was so particularly harsh to him, despite his not rebelling like Google? Much to think about 

Twist vs. Chilis! The queen of the 5$ margarita and the purple pajama'd mage of the red kraken. They go stock for stock but Chili's is unbreakable. Chat: "after this can they go on a date to the cafe"

Comona: "you gotta remember to watch your back going into an applebees after all this." Jay: "yeah cuz chili's is gonna be right behind you tapping on your shoulder like-" Chili's: "are you sure about that?"

Comona follows this bit with a firm disclaimer not to allow cpu kerfuffle characters to create real-life brand loyalties to things that don't care about you and that the commentators dont really care about either. And that by the way for chili's pricepoint just going to a good local place instead is just practicing self-care, honestly. responsible commentating. 

Again twist and chilis go stock for stock, Chili's losing the second round. Mostly match commentary, but theyre some very entertainingly intense matches. Ryan talks a bit about the Taco Mac clause. Theres some fesh pince jokes in there. Round 3 is similar, with more jokes about the Chili's menu. Serving loaded potato skins. Twist is tipping the waiter with a boot to the head. Twist takes it.

Ryan: "people in chat are shipping twist and chili's which- I will say, the character twist is based on is, i think, ace, but this also is a separate continuity- ive got several continuities- so i'm leaving the shipping up to you guys." Comona: "yeah, any headcanons, any fanons- and, I mean, ace doesn't necessarily mean theres no room for something romantic-" ryan: "yeah!"

P.Rool vs. Matrimony Knight. Ryan: "I hate to say this but I do think p.rool is taking this." Comona and Jay agree with an audible grimace. Matri does not do well first round. Comona and Jay make fun of ryan sneezing like someone who should be in a hospital. P. Rool is, as usual, disgustingly powerful in combat. 

Matri begins to pull out a lead second round. Jay: "P. Rool is never on his final form. Watch him pull out D. Rool." Ryan: "what is that, destroyed rool-?" Comona: "what about ja rool."

Matri manages to take it to round 3, to ryan, comona and jay's joy. But they temper their excitement with 'listen its p. rool. Dont get your hopes up. Dont do it.' They're right to do this matri very nearly gets threestocked and the last stock is matri getting dunked like a fucking basketball.

Losers bracket, Chilis vs. Machi. Comona thinks chili's is gonna win the tournament. Jay thinks Machi is going to be a comeback god, losing at first and then taking it back. First match on mario maker. A stage only left legal because ryan LOVES it because it fucks with the ai. Machi doesnt do well with the random stage at first, but brings it back HARD, nearly a reverse threestock, ending with Machi stealing Chili's sword and fucking Getting Her in a clutch move.

Match two funny zelda tower. Machiavelli in his 'anime arc' after copying chili's. Ryan: "he's just grown hair!" Comona: "He's a growing boy!" Stocks stay pretty even throughout, chili's footstooling to take the final kill. Taking it to round 3!

One winged angel, machi and chilis stock for stock again. Machi's on last stock and the commentators are talking about kid icarus uprising nearly the entire match. Chili's walks off, having learned some things herself and is approached by… some shady individuals apparently involved in creating him. Iggy says to pay them no mind. Don't worry about it. Comona: "...is this like the equivalent of like, if Boston Dynamics entered a robot into a smash tournament?" Jay: "this is like if Boston Dynamics entered a robot into a real actual martial arts tournament."

Swordfight! Sephiroth vs matri. Comona: "the two ends of the spectrum as to what constitutes a sword." Fuckin. wedding butter knife versus masamune the doug dimmadome ass katana.

Matri, hank hill impression: "frame data? Cancels? I Just wanna Grill for gods sake!" Also Matri, teleporting behind Sephiroth: "nothing personel, kid."

Matri does not win. If sephiroth wins the set he's fighting chilis. The next match is mostly match commentary with some family guy impressions for flavor. Sephiroth is the kind of guy who mimes crushing it out of spite when you blow him a kiss. Matri manages to take round two.

Word from the field! Sephiroth is pissed. He knows this could be his last game. Ryan: "hey, comona? You know sonicfox, right?" Comona: "of course." Ryan: "you know how in that one game when he thought he was out, he took his hat off?" Sephiroth takes his shirt off. The limiters are off. Matri does best with plenty of momentum but its hard to keep momentum with sephiroth. Matri's wedding vows (for at least one of his weddings) was the opening of the song Start Of Something New from highschool musical. Sephiroth ends up taking it in the most embarassing, sad, possible choke from matri. Sephiroth puts his shirt back on.

Twist vs P. Rool. Drac's Castle. Furthest a team cracken members ever gotten at this point. Twist racks up damage fast. Comona: "is this like, a dark arts emporium twist likes to frequent? Shes looking mad at home right now." Ryan: "y'know with all the purple, it would make sense within the lore of the red kraken story." Twist takes first stock and dash dances on prool and Ryan's almost crying tears of joy.

Twist gets prool down to one stock, then prool takes his first and gets her to over 100% in seconds and then takes her second, and you can hear ryans heart breaking as the other commentators start submitting themselves to the inevitability of Prool comebacks. Twist does, however, manage to take the first match!

Jay starts to turn around a little on prool, saying his loyalties lie first and foremost with people from his home dimension. Ryan: "i understand it. I dont respect it but i understand it." Twist successfully 2-0s Prool and Ryan feels the most alive he has all tourney. Jay: "he'll be back." Comona: "well of course he'll be back, hes still lurking in the losers bracket." Ryan: "nothing you can say will wipe the smile off my face right now."

Chili's vs. Sephiroth runback! Ryan thinks we're gonna see a 2-1, that sephiroths gonna put up a little more of a fight but chili's is still gonna take it. This proves a good guess with sephiroth taking first stock. Sephiroth wasn't taking Chili's seriously before, but now this becomes a meeting of the minds. Chilis still takes match one. Chili's isn't taking Sephiroth seriously anymore.

TWOOOOOO BANANAS.

Round 2, monkey watch wuhu island. Sephiroth may or may not like monkey watch. Jay: "hes an edgelord but thats like, his dayjob, we dont know what he's into in his freetime." Chilis struggles on Wuhu island because there's too much space for bartending and too many local businesses to outcompete her, and sephiroth takes round 2.

Megalovania find mii. Sephiroth is hearing boss music. Terrifying stock for stock match, but chilis keeps the lead and finishes the match with a vicious dunk in the gap. Comona: "stamping a close set with 'but really, i was winning the whole time.'"

Losers finals, Prool vs. Chili's. After twist, prool can officially bleed so Comona feels no reservations about backing chili's. Prool got pineappled at barely over 20%, but chili's loses her first stock only 40% into Prools next. The match is fast and chaotic but not particularly lore-heavy. Chilis takes round one. Jay: "the way i see it, matches with prool dont even start til round 2." Ryan: "if prool gets 2-0d by twist and chilis both thatd be the lesbianest thing ever. Considering the headcanons running around." Next match is stock for stock again, but Plum finishes it, sending them to a round 3, which ALSO goes stock for stock. 

Jay, sounding sad: "if prool loses here youre gonna make me put him back in the car, arent you?" Comona and Ryan, firmly: "YES." They jinx it. Chili's loses, and prool wins by the skin of his teeth with a violence. Jay, scared: "HOW DOES HE DO IT. I DONT WANT HIM BACK. HE WASN'T LIKE THIS IN MY WORLD. I DONT WANT THIS FUCKER BACK." Comona: "you did this." Jay: "I DIDNT DO THIS! I DIDNT DO THIS! IT WAS YOUR WORLD THAT DID THIS TO HIM!" Comona: "alright, Huey Emmerich!" I know just enough about metal gear to know how grievous an insult this is.

Grand finals. Twist vs. P.rool. Ryan: "im so afraid. Because i know p.rool. I know what he's gonna try to do here." Foreshadowing. Ryans trying so hard to have hope. But i know craken won't have a winner in grand finals until gaiden 5. Jay suggests, as a compromise, that if P. Rool wins, they can let Jacob take championship and pick the rules instead. Ryan remains firm that P. Rool cannot win, its against the rules. If Jacob wants it he can win it himself fair and square. Note how things have shifted from 'i need an excuse to keep p. rool out of championship because hes too strong and i dont want to use the same one i used for dani again' to 'FUCK p. rool, no quarter no compromise he is an object to hate for fun.' Due to a simple shift in the rules which ryan Iggy put there. Makes you thonk dont it.

P. Rool bracket resets Twist. The dread is seeping into Ryan. Jay and comona try to cheer him up by pointing out twist might do better on this stage. Ryan: "I liked it better when she 2-0d him but thats just me." Ryan, later, watching Twist still losing and sounding like hes wilting: "I'd like to see him dead, but thats just me." Comona: "P. Rool's really taking advantage of these layers to the stage." Ryan, becoming sephiroth and trailing off: "uh huh. My immortal rage…" Comona: "Yeah, im struck pretty silent watching P. Rool fight too. Like hes just… sucking the hope out of me." Jay: "Personally I'm feeling pretty good, i gotta be honest." Comona: "be happy if you want i wont judge-" ryan: "i will." Comona: "-but its not gonna stop me from voicing my opinion." Jay: "is now a bad time to share he offered me a cut of his winnings if he takes this?" Ryan: "not very pog." Jay: "dimensional plane tickets are EXPENSIVE." 

P. Rool takes another match. Comona, bitter: "hes just too GOOD. at the GAME." Twist requests a port switch, forfeiting a stagepick in exchange, which prool accepts. The next match goes stock for stock until twist takes it, to Ryan's vicious glee. Comona and Ryan pop off excitedly about port priority. Jay: "I dont think thats real, ryan, i gotta be honest-" Ryan, turning into the fucking green goblin: "WELL, IF YOURE SO CONFIDENT, THEN LETS SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE KEEP TWIST ON PORT ONE, SHALL WE?" Jay: "okay!" Ryan has fully unhinged. 

P. Rool wins. Ryans hit despair. P. Rool calls Jay. Ryan: "kick him off the call. kick him off the call." P. Rool says hes not giving him his money. Ryan: "oh, so youre on OUR side now, now you UNDERSTAND,"

P. Rool championship match. P. Rool vs Valentine. Ryan: "ive said it before ill say it again. This fucker is never going to be champion. Never. as long as I live. So we'll see what we do if he wins this." Comona: "as much as i dont like p. rool he does have spice." Ryan: "yeah he is spicy I just hate him." Jay: "cant believe hes not giving me my money." Ryan: "i can, have you met him?Jay: "its just, i had faith- its not like you guys knew him first!" Ryan: "true."

Jay: "we might need to start a go fundme to send me back to my own timeline." Comona: "the hell does a big fat asshole crocodile need with money anyway?" Jay: "good question." Ryan: "fishing?" Comona: "i was gonna say influencing government but that works." Anyway rip valentine time for another p. rool beatdown. Someone in chat special requests a match with sephiroth. Jay: "lets see who wins- the main villain or sephiroth." Prool decimates him. Ryan decides to take his rage out and beat the hell out of plum himself via Iggy. Ryan: "this isnt for the audience. this is for me." Plum still takes first stock against a human player. It still goes to last stocks. Iggy does win tho.

Twist vs. Valentine bc fuck P. rool. Ryan: "got a lot of haters in the chat mad that I wont acknowledge P. Rools win. But you forget, the 3rd rule of cpu kerfuffle: Fuck P. Rool. Dont blame me, I dont make the rules- well i do but-" Comona: "yeah, Iggy does." Ryan: "right! Take it up with Iggy. Or dont, cuz he'll kill you-" Jay: "i dont know how Jacob, who's just such a good kid, ended up on a team with p. rool." Ryan: "im sure theres some lore reason."

Valentine keeps a commanding hold on his championship, although twist put up a damn good fight. The commentators say, once again, that P. Rool will be returning for the next tournament. Comona: "we are an equal opportunity tournament, that doesn't turn away proven challengers." 

Cpuk14 time! Representing Team Calibur, the team not for becoming the best, but for knowing you already are the best- Doctor order. Right out the gate. 'Ever wonder where all these lab experiments gone wrong and super fighting robots come from? Doctor Order knows, not that she'd tell you. mad scientist/personal trainer who seeks to create the ultimate fighter. Joined team calibur over, say, team cones, as she seeks to reign in chaos, a lofty goal in the face of what cpu kerfuffle is. What's driven her out of the lab and into the spotlight remains to be seen.'

Neither Comona or Jay have seen her in action, not even in jays dimension, although Jay says hes aware of an alternate universe version of her named pablo that's just a totally normal guy. Jay, sounding uncomfortable: "Dont ask me how I know theyre connected." Ryan: "is it the vibes?" Jay: "its the vibes."

Bing! Bing's original submission information says hes a personification of the web service bing and decided to take up fighting because he was tired of being overshadowed by the popularity of Google. Interesting given that Google the person did not yet exist, but future tournaments do in fact insist he's got his complex about that Google. 'also, due to being a search engine, hes very knowledgeable.' LOL. LMAO EVEN. Ryan has high hopes for his results in the tournament. He places 5th.

Returning from CPUK1 for the first time, Dark Jimbo! A hypebeast turned emo. Hes not quite as edgy anymore (thank his therapist) but hes gotten attached to the aesthetic and music and such. Apparently discovered an emerald mine beneath the house and the money from that is whats funding his access to the expense of recurring hair dye and band merch nowadays. Comona expresses that in what hes seen of Jimbo, despite the aggressive, dark exterior, as a fighter he is sort of timid, which might cause him some trouble. But hes been training with his dad, and you cant count him out.

Team Cones! Larry the Florida Man <3. Ryan explains Larry's previous appearances under separate show names, and describes Larry's powers as something that 'awoke' in him. Of course, this is before the Dr. O connection was made, but its fun wording nonetheless. Jay: "as you know, im a very cut and dry commentator." Ryan: "uh huh." Jay: "No jokes. So of course Larry is right up my alley as the most consistent fighter in the tournament." Jay clarifies Larry ironically is pretty consistent in a way, jokes aside, he can perform fairly well in all his shapes. He openly wonders if Larry's ability to perform as well as he does with all his forms is a trained skill, or if it's all instinct. Ryan suggests they'll get Jenny to look into getting an interview about it.

Team Cross. Engineer TF2. They solve practical problems. The commentators proceed to start referencing TF2. I dont know anything about tf2. Jay says he and engie trained under the same fighting master- Superb Mario. Unclear if this is the same character as Mario From Super Mario.

Team Charm, team of all thats good and kind and gay, representative Therapuppy! Chat member: "Thats A Dog!" The blurb for her says, paraphrasing, 'with the introduction of Sephiroth to smash, therapuppy went ahead and signed up for cpu kerfuffle, because god damn Cloud and Samus really are in The Same Game as Sephiroth and Ridley, huh? Damn, kinda fucked up.' funny. funny that sephiroth is directly one of the reasons theras here. Thera's just here to check in on everybody's mental wellbeing and have a good time.

Team Chonk. P. Rool. Jay: "man, fuck this guy. me and p. rool, we're from the same neck of the woods, we're from the next dimension over, and i couldn't make it to a kerfuffle one time so he took my ticket, and he came over here and he started throwing hands and now we can't get him to Leave." Hes jay's ride home so hes been stranded here for 2 weeks and Ryan's been pulling strings to keep him out of the champion's suite and hes heard that P. Rool's getting Very Mad about that. Ryan: "but- fuck it. Its my tournament- its iggy's tournament. Iggy made me do it."

Team Cracken! Whip. Yeehaw. She's a cowgirl bayyyybe. Whip's sea creature accessory is an Electric Eel Whip. Neigh Neigh the horse has never appeared but they live in our hearts. Whip is canonically 'a cringe ass neigh neigh baby.' Vital lore information.

Exhibition match: Squid Jenny vs Chili's! Jenny and Jimbo have the same problem of being good at wracking up damage but struggling to close kills. Jenny is more of a recon specialist than a frontline fighter. Jenny supports all other contestants and is well known and well loved as an upstanding young member of the kerfuffle community. They shake hands and the commentators give their predictions for the tournament, by which i mean, guesses about who has the best chance of making p. rool bleed. Comona and Jay want to see Engie pull it off, Ryan thinks Bing can do it.

Round one, Jimbo vs Engie. Comona: "now, if this were two human players, Id say, now lets buckle in for a 24 minute set," absolutely zero faith in jimbo from jay and comona. The phrase 'not to play crimson's advocate' is used,

Jimbos first match against Engie is so embarrassing that engie throws the poor kid a southern hospitality pity stock next round. A slip of tongue results in the suggestion that engie tf2 is nonbinary. Jay: "i really dont know 'im that well, could be!" Engie: "y'dont need a gender t'solve PRACTICAL problems."

Jimbo manages to do better that next round, on the starfox stage that isnt the plane that i forget the name of, because engie couldn't pick up momentum after that thrown away stock and Jimbo took it and ran with it. Comona: "Jimbo was looking real comfortable up there in the vacuum of space, where I assume he was born…?" Ryan: "hes dadondorf's son, and who knows where dadondorf came from." Everything about dadondorf's background except his immediate familial relationships is an absolute mystery and I think thats delightful. it creates so many questions that will not be answered. He adopted a (Apparently Potentially Alien in Origin.) orphan hedgehog as a son after his birth parents' passing. He married a meat dragon. Jimbo's granddad is a fucking BOAT

Round 3 commences on Mementos. Jimbo's a gamer, but as a persona fan hes never actually played a persona game before, so he might be at a disadvantage. Jimbo has a bit of a panic attack during the set after losing first stock and loses his second with an SD. Jimbo manages to avoid a 3-stock and gets close to taking it to last stock, but no dice. To losers bracket with the poor emo kid.

Larry vs. Whip. Pre-match predictions for larry matches are pointless. donations from real life chat members serve the in-universe/in-character purpose of helping to pay for the high upkeep costs of the stadium and facilities with all these explosive, destructive matches going on here, which is kinda funny. Never seen a tournament arc where they mention the tournaments gotta crowdfund a budget for repairing the stage when someone hits someone else into the floor so hard they leave an anime crater because of how often it happens

Larry pulls out bubblegum banjo on wuhu island. Larry's in whips head, hes in the commentators heads, hes in the AUDIENCE'S heads. nobody knows wtf is goin on but its entertaining and he's winning. Whip is having fun and playing on the ledges. It is not doing her any good. Comona: "yknow, if Larry just had a main he might be one of the best players in kerfuffle history." Ryan: "bold of you to assume his adhd will allow him to focus on having a main." Comona: "thats what im Saying, like, if he Could, but that's just not how life is balanced." Jay: "the way i see it, Larry is so good BECAUSE he doesnt have a main. Hes got that GENERAL knowledge." Comona: "got those fundies down." Ryan: "mhm, a new character could come out today and he could probably beat you with 'em." Larry <3

They discuss how it must be rough for Whip as a newbie to get matched against Larry round one, the unpredictability probably rattling her a bit. Ryan: "I mean, it all depends on what Larry ends up rolling, if Larry rolls something she can deal with then Whip could do well, y'know?" Jay: "a good point." Comona: "mhm. An interesting thing, to not be in control of your own fate." Ryan: "That's why Larry thrives."

Larry rolls Peach, they suggest Whip's experience with her team leader Hoedown might help her some as far as familiarity with the fighting style goes. Larry gets a stitch very early and doesn't even bother to use it just to fuck with Whip. Just to flex. Despite Whip's strong damage lead, Larry takes first stock. Things go down to even on last stock, and whip manages to take one game. They make a game of trying to guess what character larry will be and they're all wrong he's blue dark pit and he decimates whip on warioware

Bing vs. P. Rool. Cue the booing. Bing you're not winning this one. Comona says Bing has been overshadowed by the Green Roy, Google, (before he's even been born,) and is out here to show his stuff as a perfectly respectable player in his own right. Bing has an inferiority complex over a guy that straight up doesn't exist yet. like a kid sibling getting jealous of the new baby getting all the attention before it's even born. Jay: "I have my… feelings, about P. Rool, obviously, but objectively, with my experiences with real life combat because this is all happening in real life, Bing has a sword, but P. Rool has projectiles he has no way to counter. It's coming down to P. Rool on this one." P. Rool has a strong damage lead and Bing Chromicides him about it. Then P. Rool stops him from recovering the next time theyre offstage for an instant. And then destroys his last stock with all the swift ease of swatting a fly. Ryan, terrified: "I THINK P. ROOL'S MAD, GUYS. I THINK HE'S OUT FOR BLOOD?" Jay, similarly shaken: "ive never seen him do that before." Comona: "this has gotten very personal."  Ryan: "im worried for MY safety! Round 2 I guess!"

Bing takes it to Dracula's castle because he saw P. Rool lose to twist here. P. Rool takes first stock so quickly but Bing isnt going down without a fight and manages to take the next game in another very fast match. Bing takes P. Rool's first stock (and his own) in Yet Another Chromicide, truly his signature strategy when fighting a tough opponent is and has always been Youre Coming Down With Me, Fucker, because he struggles to be confident in his ability to win without also completely wrecking his own shit in the process. P. Rool takes game 3 and sends Bing to losers. Bing says he'll see P. Rool again next time, Jay mistakes it for sportsmanship before Ryan clarifies that no he's shittalking like hes gonna decimate that lizard the next time they fight. Truly Bing is this interesting blend of stupid, deeply insecure, and yet profoundly overconfident, all of which compound into a man who is straight up going to get himself killed in the stupidest most unnecessary possible way just trying to prove something noone was honestly asking him to someday

Dr. Order. vs Therapuppy <3 a scientist who's been creating artificial life in pursuit of creating the ultimate fighter aaaaaaand. A therapist. 'That she might probably need.' lol. First round is on midgar, Comona: "which is probably where Dr. Order resides. Big City where people won't uh. Question your experiments." As Therapuppy wracks up almost 90 damage without order landing a single hit, the Commentators guess that Dr. Order is having a hard time mentally psyching herself up to hit a puppy. Jay: "i feel very strongly that Dr. Order is evil, but not cruel." Oh how time will mark you as naive. Therapuppy steals Order's ball with her fishing rod twice and yeets her for the final stock. 

Before round 2, Jay describes Dr. O as someone who has a knowledge of psychology, but like None of the people skills necessary to apply it usefully, unlike Therapuppy whose training in not only that but as a therapist and counselor give her a very particular dominance in the realm of mind games that leaves her with an inherent advantage in this matchup because Dr. Order thinks she knows more than she actually does. Comona references Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake in reference to thera. 'I want a therapist with a funny dogy and long, looooong fishing rod.'

the Doctor is nooooot the best as a fighter in terms of skill, but she is described by Comona as a hard hitter and her experience as a personal trainer (and coach, of her creations,) is touted as evidence she knows what it takes to create success and build strength, which. As we see later proves mostly only technically true to any extent of machi and quad, really. Despite this, order does manage to eek out a game two win against thera utilizing deep breathing. Jay: "i think Deep Breathing is some kind of experimental proprietary invention of Dr. Orders because lemme tell ya. I breathe and that doesn't happen." Ryan: "yeah but is your breathing deep." Jay: "gimme a sec lemme try that." Jay leaves. Comona and ryan giggle to themselves about him punching a hole in the wall as gamers are wont to do. Jay, returning: "MILLIONS ARE DEAD." 

Round three goes stock for stock, therapuppy managing some excellent mind games and strategy. Therapuppy's happy to have (hopefully) helped the doctor and with the doctor's 'regular stoic vibe' shes like. "Interesting. I'll have to remember this." And goes to losers. Every cpuk villain starts off as vaguely stoic or otherwise emotionally restrained in some fashion and then just Unhinge at some point

Dark Jimbo vs. Whip Losers round one. Comona accurately predicts its going to be a looooong one, especially so with CPUs. this sets' record for The Longest Match in CPUK History's never been dethroned, and thats probably because it nearly singlehandedly drove the decision to add a timer. Especially funny remembering his dad hamhel fought the shortest, the legendary match from 20 with val that could fit, in its entirety, in one twitch clip. Jay: "dark jimbo has like… powers of darkness, right? Not like evil darkness powers, but like-" Ryan: "I mean, i thought it was just aesthetic, but he could, I mean we've seen stranger." This set runs so long it makes jimbo reconsider his approach to both combat and life itself and in his second match starts putting effort into closing out kills much more. Whip continues to play the patient waiting game and it doesn't pay off. First 2-0 of the night.

Bing vs. Dr. Order. Hell on earth. A point is made of how dr. Order's patient methodical combat mindset just doesnt work for someone who gets up in your face and stays there before you can think like bing does. Round one is on castle siege, which they joke about being microsoft headquarters. Bill Gates lives in a Fucking Castle. Bing keeps the lead for most of the match but Order brings it to last stock with a Fancy set of maneuvers. Heartbreaking: the worst person you know just got away with a sick move. Ryan: "this one isnt open and shut- Bing's an explosive player but eventually that's gonna blow up in his face." Bing takes it.

Ryan: "I think, Dr Order, like whip, thrives with very patient play, but thats not gonna work against bing, who is All About getting up in your face." The commentators agree- Dr. Order needs to adjust her strategy to be more aggressive. She does not do this. Bing also does not change his strats. Comona: "say what you will about Bing- he gets results." Jay: "just maybe not as many as google." lol

After losing, Dr Order pulls out a notebook to start writing something down as she leaves. Ryan: "thats not… something we should be worried about, should we…?" Jay: "this is fine."

Chat asked about them. Gen4's chilling. Is a platinum speedrunner (which is an oxymoron) now

Engie TF2 vs Larrold. Once again no point to predicting the outcome of larry matches, only measuring his opponents' adaptability. Larry rolls luigi and ryan and comona interpret this as Larry making fun of engie for being short. Ryan: "it doesnt feel like Engie is learning, if anything Larry's learning." Comona: "if larry's learning then this whole bracket is over." Ryan: "yeah, larry's a fucking learning computer." Jay: "do we have word from Squid Jenny if Larry can control who he gets?" Ryan: "sometimes. Only sometimes." Larry rolls mega'd man next and does 70 damage before engie can land even one hit, and survives on first stock to 200%. Engie alllllllllmost brings it back but larry still fucking gets him.

Comona: "Larry's really shining now- its good to see this kind of glowup from larry. hes always had some potential but honestly- its kind of- touching, Larry has embraced the chaos inside of himself and isnt hiding anymore, hes not afraid of it anymore and hes just here like 'This is who i am.'" shrimp emotions about this one

P. Rool vs. Therapuppy. Jay just got a phone call. Ryan and comona discuss. From the standpoint of the competition, comonas still pretty sure this is p. rools game, but that he's going to learn more from it than any other match he's ever fought in. Ryan thinks thera might take a game at least. Thera takes first stock despite p. rool's damage lead, and prool takes it to even, but thera makes shockingly short work of p. rool. Comona: "who knew that what p. rool really needed was Fucking Therapy?"

Jay gets a call from a friend in his dimension, and. His P. Rool is still there. He got a snapchat from him hes at quizno's with jacob. Thera starts the second match before the commentators can process this. Who the fuck is this guy because hes Not P. Rool. Jay: "think about it- how many times have i said he wasn't like this in my world?" Comona: "an IMPOSTER? AMONG US?"

P. Rool just has no counter strat for the fishing rod. Therapuppy 2-0s P. Rool, to the astonishment of the commentators. Jay explains after talking more with his P. Rool, that hes never come to this dimension even once for a kerfuffle. It's been this mystery guy the WHOLE time, in a case of identity theft. Chat ponders potential crimson involvement but ryan shoots this down as unlikely and sends Squid Jenny to ask the guy some questions. P. Rool grabs her, changing color with white-hot-rage and promptly starting a battle. This is E. Rool. Enraged K. Rool. 

Ryan: "the therapy didnt Work, hes just Mad as Fuck now!" Comona: "he's resentful about how he's been treated- Which- which i guess is fair, but don't resort to violence against the TO! You're gonna get banned!" Ryan: "way he sees it, we clearly don't give a shit about the rules, why should he?" Comona: "which i mean… he… but we run the event, right…?" Ryan: "i mean yeah, we run the event, but that's just what he's saying." Jay: "realistically I see where he's coming from but identity theft and…" Comona: "but violence is never the answer. Harming your fellow man is…" Ryan: "your fellow squid, even." Comona: "your fellow squid or kid even." They are saying this about bloodsport. They are saying violence is never the answer about bloodsport. Comona expresses hope that this will help E. Rool get the frustration out of his system so he can calm down. Small voice. Small baby bird. and commends jenny for sticking out the fight in the meantime. They describe E. Rool's eyes as glazed over in a blind rage, like he's just absolutely gone, beyond reason. Home MD retrieves Jenny, she's in good condition, just in need of some medical attention. Ryan makes a joke about donating to help pay for jenny's medical bills and then has to clarify for chat that yes you do in fact get medical insurance working for iggy dont worry

E. Rool vs. Jimbo. They do not have high hopes. Jimbo does better than expected with a big target on the small bright stage of prism tower, he keeps it sorta even. E. Rool is playing cruel and cheap, fueled by the rage of both being cheated time and time again, and of being exposed as a fraud. He's so angry that he's just letting himself get hit. In the second round they get a darker stage, and Jimbo's doing better, getting hits in. Comona: "hes like batman, he thrives in the darkness." Ryan: "he is just like batman, in fact i think the fact that you just said that gave him power." He loves batman. One of his idols, jay says. So excited about the comparison. Imagining jimbo in a little batman costume for halloween. adorable. Anyway he footstooled E. Rool about it. Truly jimbo's performance in combat is directly tied to his current self-esteem. Jimbo brings it to last stock but doesn't win. The commentators get scared hes gonna SD again but Jimbo says 'nah those days are behind me now that im BATMAN' and then immediately gets launched into the blast zone. E. Rool: "im da joker, baby."

Bing vs. Engie tf2. Theyre pretty confident in Bing. Jay: "in comparison to bing, engie over heres looking like yahoo." Chat: "bing gonna make engie look like jeeves." Bing gets runover by a boat twice. Bing hates water. Greatest weakness. future lore making this Bing also getting killed instantly by space hornets. The commentators call game one a very overconfident homie game. Engie keeps schmoving around him but Bing manages to take it to last stock, but Engie ultimately 2-0s. Bing tells engie to take care of the big man for him.

Winners Finals. Larry vs Therapuppy. The winners finals noone expected but everyone wanted. The populist's choice. Comona thinks this will be a tough one for therapuppy, because larry is already Very comfortable with who he is, even if, for the good of Society that might be best changed. Hes comfy with the chaos. Therapuppy's goal is making people happy and better and Larry's already got himself figured out. Jay thinks this is still in therapuppy's corner because nobody knows what to do with the fishing rod and he doesnt think larry's an exception. Larry lies to a therapist about being illiterate on international television, potentially to avoid confronting his trauma on the same internationally televised scale. <3 florida schools dont teach you to read but they do teach you to handle gators. Therapuppy presses, trying to get to the root of why not being able to read makes him so insecure, and Larry's probably just doing everything in his power not to laugh. Round 1 goes to thera.

Larry rolls lonk from pennsylvania for round 2 on skyloft, or rather, either lenk from north carolina or lunk from ohio. Take your pick the commentators can't decide, but one way or another he's 'betraying even his origins,' even as the commentators also decide skyloft overlooks florida. Larry gets real silly with this one, takes it to last stock, but Therapuppy 2-0s, sending Larry to losers.

E. Rool vs. Engie tf2. Jay thinks hes too angry right now to fight smart, so engie Might take it. Chat asks if E. Rool is a free agent, and the commentators say they dont know, they dont know much about E. Rool except that hes mad as hell, strong as hell and a Liar. Jay speculates that Team Chonk might consider kicking him out with these new developments. Engie struggles to close a kill without the help of the stage, and no hat is hard enough to stop E. Rool from crushing his skull. The second round is only more painful. Engie manages one funny stock before E. Rool kills him dead.

Losers finals. Larry vs. E. Rool. Utmost excitement from the commentators. Larry pulls out sans hoodie ice climbers to megalovania. They go stock for stock down to the wire and Larry takes it and its legendary i dont need to give the play by play its all match commentary because its So Much that theres just nothing else to talk about. E. Rool: "how did i lose???" Larry, turning back to original form: "heh. maybe its the way you're dressed."

Round 2. Larry rolls Venus skin palu (before venus even exists.) This does not go as well as the ice climbers as far as weird picks goes, E. Rool leads the whole round. Ryan gets mad at Larry doing less well this round and has to remind himself not to expect anything of him and just enjoy the ride. He's not great at Palu, so E. Rool takes it, but Larry started taking it back more toward the end than expected. Lategame matches before voice acting became a bigger part of the format tend to have a lot less lore in them because the commentators are too tense about the actual matches themselves.

Round 3, Larry rolls kirby, its very even, E. Rool bled in his fight with Machi. Its apparent, though, that Larry's more interested in this being a good show than winning, and brings it to last stock even damage, but Larry finally gets yeeted. Commentators express certainty that in terms of raw skill, these two are equals, and Larry lost because the unpredictable factors of his condition simply didnt quite roll in his favor today.

E. Rool vs. Therapuppy. True finals. Therapuppy takes first stock after only moments of doubt from ryan, maintains a lead on at least damage the rest of the first match. Fishing rod inescapable. E. Rool's getting Scared of it, but E. Rool manages to take first round only because he survives to 200% and thera is much more launchable than him. Thera doesnt mind losing- she takes it in stride and goes into their second round with a smile. Round 2, thera makes it to 200% before losing first stock, E. Rool leads this match, until thera spikes him for his second stock. They end up even almost blow for blow on last stock until thera finally smashes him into the blast zone to take it. Round 3, norfair florida. Thera's just having a good time. E. Rool's so mad hes not thinking and its making it difficult for him to learn and adapt to Thera's plays, so thera sticks with the tried and true tactics and things keep fairly even, up until the end. E. Rool bracket resets.

Everyone takes a nice break, things have been way, way too tense in a scary sort of way, but E. Rool seems to calm down, and he and Therapuppy are seen having a talk, (Apparently one reason in-universe there were less visible voiceacted scenes at this point was just not having the sound equipment for it,) and since Jenny's down right now Home fills in for her to check up on things- and E. Rool almost attacks him, but Thera talks him down. The commentators reevaluate- is he really that bad of a guy? Like, he's been playing the heel, but realistically, the only reason he's gotten so angry and unmanageable is because HE'S following the rules and no one else is, and until things hit this boiling point he hadn't really even put up that much of a stink about it, beyond a little complaining. Home MD comes back with a report: his real name. Plum K. Rool. Thats always been his name- there was just a bit of a… mixup, because he shortens it to P. Rool too, and he kinda… ran with it. Played it like a character. A lie he didn't even intend to be telling at first just got too big. 

Thera and Plum run into the reset in good spirits. Plum's doing better taking a step back and just enjoying the ride. Still sucks that he took out his anger on Jenny- and hes not feeling too good about it either- the tournament will surely be followed by apologies, or maybe he'll continue to be a heel about it, but either way the commentators are fine with that- its just good to see the competitors remember that in the end it's just a game, and it's supposed to be fun. A good time. The commentators discuss how dangerous E. Rool clearly was during his blind rage- and how Thera couldve easily gotten seriously hurt if she hadnt been careful. Things go to last stock, even% on round one of the reset, and thera almost takes it but fails to recover. Second round is on mario maker, P. Rool's favorite stage. Cute. Thera takes it, sending it to game 3 of reset on dreamland, final round. The whole sets been electric, down to last stocks of last sets with short leads, P. Rool fearing and respecting Thera's power but ultimately juuuuust clinching a win.

Therapuppy: "Congratulations P. Rool! Im happy for you!" Plum: "b. I. H. i thought. You didnt. You didnt want me to win?" Thera: " course not. You're my friend! Course im happy that you won, why wouldnt i be?" Plum: "yknow what? thanks therapuppy. Thanks." And they have a nice hug.

Ryan claims that if P. Rool actually wins he'll actually let him win this time. Plum K. Rool vs. Captain Valen- hold up. Squid Jenny, who is fine now, getting a report from the field. Val and Plum are talking, and asked Val who his best friend is, and hes got no idea who to say except johannsen. Not sure if he was just caught off guard by the odd question and picked the rat as the first friend that came to mind or if hes genuinely made better friends with the rat in the past month or so than he is with gordo's revenge, visible man or rights sentience but the former feels more likely. Either way Plum wants to make the champion bout a team doubles match to celebrate his victory with the only person who's really rooted for him. Thera says she would've done the same. Val and jojo have pretty good team synergy. It goes down to thera vs. val on last stock and val takes it, remaining champion. Comona: "where valentine goes, johannsen follows." Ryan: "yeah, ever since dantoinette kind of- yknow."

And so dusks the P.rool arc and the dawn of Spoiler alert! doctor order being the Worst rises.

[tsfs-dragon]

Finally finished the DLC.

You know.... the first story DLC for Xenoblade was XBC2: Torna the Golden Country. And in all honesty, that first time was their best work without a doubt. I felt that some things could have gone on a bit longer to flesh out things a little more. But all in all Torna really filled out events and characters as we see them in the main game. And sadly all DLC stories after that fell so short.

With Xenoblade Definitive Edition’s DLC story (yeah in all honesty it technically isn’t one but since it was mostly a remaster of shorts adding that and the challenge area in the base game was to likely help sell this game as the usual $60 and it plays exactly like a DLC story) Future Connected, and it was mid at best. A story that doesn’t really progress the main story as a whole. The big old fog beast plot is really as it is... nothing but hot air with no substance and easily forgettable.

Now you have Xenoblade 3 you have the Future Redeemed. There will be SPOILERS for this part. It just seems like any time “future” is added to DLC story titles it ends up not being good. And in this case is just worse. I was hoping.... WISHING that this story would patch stuff up that messed up with Xenoblade 3′s story but it doesn’t and even goes so far to spit in the face of fans. Though how fans can look at this experience and no be pissed off confuses me. It sticks with the “world split in two” even though the last games have nothing that supports this. There is constant talk about how “how if ‘they’ (Pyra and Mythra) where here” which is a question and really points to the flaws of this story. Why are they NOT there!? Pyra and Mythra would have fixed all this no problems but the creators of this game had have them not be involved because they would have easily fix things meaning no bullshit bad guy coming for no reason. What was the reason because they were just in Smash Brothers Ultimate the whole time? We see images of Klaus’s world, which again has ruins of that in the XBC2 world and not the first one. Characters like Shulk and Rex bring up some stuff in relation to their world but sadly it all feels empty and hollow as I would much rather play those games instead and not a game whose story is going to be wiped out like it was Sonic 06. It throws in Alvis as the baddie in this story with no real relation to the events going on. Could have just have Z as the main baddie in the story and it wouldn’t have mattered. Lore for this game just throws everything out the window without caring what came before. Titans have no value other and just to be there an look pretty. Nothing about them informs the world and makes it meaningful. All races are human despite those clearly not being human to the point where you just wonder why they didn’t just call Nopons humans if they cared so little. Characters like Glimmer should have clearly been alive for the events of the main story considering her being part Blade with a crystal that is the same as the Trinity Processor but NOOOOO, that would be logical. Made worse since with the race thing treats the aging process for the other races the game as a human even though they are not. Eunie is part High Entia yet ages like a normal human. Which to inform you there as a pure breed High Entia child that was in the 90s age range. The events that created the worlds of XBC and XBC2 it wasn’t just the Earth, it effected the whole UNIVERSE yet the narrative focuses on their planet exclusively. Then around the end you hear a radio talking and it isn’t lore important. It’s all just references to other things with no solid ground. One reference is the game of Xenoblade Chronicles X, which is strange since it feels like they want to forget that game. People claim that this ties X to the other games but not really. From what I looked up people left the planet because of aliens attacking and not just “oh let’s look around and live on other planets just cause”. All it does is share a name and that’s it, since with Klaus’s experiment effecting the universe I’m sure all of the people that left the planet and aliens that are out there all but dead and in ruins making the events of X happening within the 3 XB games unlikely. Same goes for a reference to Xenosaga. Don’t know if it was that game or another Xeno game, but it was just there in name only and that’s it.

At the end of the day I had hopes for this game and while characters are good and gameplay is alright at best, this game along with the DLC disappointed me to no end. The story and lore that was built up so much in the games before really just seemed to be lit on fire without a care, replace it all with trash that we are told is “good”. If Monolith Soft goes on to make another Xenoblade game unless it’s an X remaster to see what that game is like, then I can’t imagine buying any future games of that series. What would they tarnish next in future installments, character’s, gameplay? From XBC2 they could have gone up form there. The Definitive Edition of XBC was just a remaster and the DLC story wasn’t as good as it could have been. And we ended up with Xenoblade Chronicles 3, honestly the worst game in the series and I’m seriously regretting getting the paid DLC for it.

[as-sword-ed-fallers]

[Blog! It Is Here!]

Afternoon, everyone! Welcome to the page!

We were told that this would be a good method to talk with others while we were here... I'm Shulk. I'm a Weapons Researcher from The Bionis, though... Right now I'm in the city of Littlewood. I believe they said we were in the Hoenn Region?

I'm not exactly certain how I managed to get here, but I'll make the most of it until I find a way home.

If we're doing introductions... I'm Mio. I'm an Off-Seer of Agnus, and a Tenth-Termer. None of us three are in the same Region, so while he's in Hoenn I'm in Mesagoza, in the Paldea Region.

Well Howdy, everyone! Name's Dahlia. Just a Blade from Alrest restin' here in Snowpoint City while I get mah bearin's straight. Me, Shulk'n Mio all got t' talkin' about what happened, and we all got a spot here.

I hope that we all get along well here. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask any of us. Just... Make sure that you tell us who you're asking, otherwise you may not get the right person answering.

[OOC Content under the cut!]

Through the magic of Peer Pressure I have made another one! I'm the same mun as @ziodyne-amax, and decided to bring in my Xenoblade muses! I write more than just these (Taion, Sena, Noah, AegisSwap Malos, among others are in the list), but these are the three for this blog. Hope you all enjoy!

[softnoobgirl]

Not really feeling it

A xenoblade chronicles 3 future redeemed fanfic

Set before future redeemed. Rex gives a depressed shulk a pep talk. aka rex becomes a therapist

Men talking about their emotions

Linka approached rex. " boss"

"Hmm what is it"

"Teach won't leave his room. We suspect something might be wrong. We've tried to talk to him but every time we knock on the door he yelled at us to go away

"I'll go check up on him myself. I might have an easier time with him then you guys."

"Thanks boss"

Rex knocked on the door to shulk's room. " shulk its me." There was no response. "Alright I'm coming in. Rex opened the door and walked into the room.

Shulk tossed in his bed and groaned into a pillow.

" well at least I know you aren't dead" Rex joked, trying to lighen the mood

Shulk replied with nothing but another groan

"Are you sick?"

Shulk let out a heavy sigh " no at least not physically."

Rex sat on the floor next to shulk's bed . Shulk gave a glare. "Alright what's wrong"

"Nothing I'm fine. "

"I can tell that's a lie ya know"

Shulk let out another small groan.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Shulk remained silent.

You don't have to if you don't want to. But it might make you feel better. I'm not going to judge ya know"

After a few more seconds of slience Shulk responded "I guess I just feel homesick."

"Homesick huh. To be completely honest I kinda feel the same way." "But aren't we in collony 9"

"It's not the same. Everything is in ruins. None of the people I love are here."

"I see. I've never thought about it that way. Must be hard to see that stuff every day."

" its just a simulation anyway."

"Ya I suppose."

"But there is one thing I fear most of all."

"Hmm" Rex said

" what if we never escape here. What if we can never go back home." Tears started to well in his blue eyes. What of i never see fiora, or dunban, or anyone i love ever again."

"I see. That's what has gotten you so down isn't it?"

"Ya" he replied quietly

"Shulk you know that's not true"

" but what if it is"

"I promise you now you will get to go back to your proper home. You will see the ones you love again. You just have to stick with us alright?"

Shulk stayed silent for a second before drawing a heavy breath to reply " alright."

There was slience for a few seconds.

" is that all you want to talk about."

" for now yeah"

"Do you feel any better now?"

"Suprisringy yes"

" do you want me to tell the camp that you aren't doing well today so that they go easy on your.

After giving it some thought Shulk responded. " yes. That would be nice."

"Alright is there anything else you need?"

" no. Ill be ready to be with you guys in a few minutes. I just need some time."

" alright" the younger man said getting up. He started to walk twords the door before he got intrupted

"Rex"

" what is it?"

A faint smile crossed shulk's lips

" thank you"

[lightbringer-ultimate]

Shad Plays Future Redeemed: 📻

Warning a big chunk of this has me theory crafting.

OKAY

What

WHY

How

UM

Radio with Vector branding? Same Vector that made KOS-MOS in Xenosaga?

The radio mentions Project Exodus and mentions an Arc Ship called Icarus, which fits the naming convention of Xenoblade X.

But also name drops DIMITRI? XENOSAGA AGAIN?

Look Na'el and Matthew's Heart to Heart is probably really wholesome and sweet but YEAH NO I WAS LOOKING AT THE SUBTITLES ABOVE.

Some people in the Xenoblade netspace claim that the Xenoblade X nods here are like...just nods and aren't really confirming anything while the Saga stuff should be important.

Look. That's a bias, plus I really think something more deep is going on here. Something that's kinda big? Takahashi is definitely cooking a buffet for us.

What I mean here is, okay okay hear me out. Monolith might be getting the Xenosaga IP back? Namco hardly does anything special with it other than have Tales characters wear the corpse that the games have become.

The last major appearance any Xenosaga character has had was in Xenoblade 2. And then we get this.

We have lore from artbooks that already confirmed the possibility that Vector exists in Xenoblade given they're still responsible for KOS-MOS (And Tel-os too) and with it being in Alpha's memory space it retroactively explains things just like a lot of things.

I don't want to turn this gameplay summary into just a huge theory board but it's like...I GOTTA take a whack at this.

Yes X has aliens and Saga doesn't , big woop. Xenoblade already established alternative dimensions and the possible way to interact with them via things like the Conduit.

What if a Vector exists in a world where there IS sentience beyond Earth? It's possible! Keep in mind that KOS-MOS is canonical to Xenoblade 2, as she's in base game.

Future Redeemed established that all quests you do are canonical as is fighting every Unique Monster.

So Rex at some point woke KOS-MOS.

Its mentioned in the artbook that both battle androids were on the World Tree and fell to the clouds if my memory is correct.

The idea of core crystal technology wasn't nearly at the point it becomes once 2 starts, but given Vector exists...this version of of the company probably used core crystal tech in their designs. Not sure if Klaus believed in open source but like...KOS-MOS definitely knows what the World Tree really is.

Okay yeah I'm scraping just the surface of Xenosaga stuff but like, I feel under qualified to talk about it. Leave that to the diehards.

But X I feel perfectly qualified in.

We see a reformed world in the post credits scene with SOMETHING careening down to it. Saga fans will claim we're looking at somewhere important from their game, but X fans will say its Mira. Meaning what we see falling is either the White Whale...or a Saga Spoiler.

Keep in mind this is a Xenoblade game.

It's probably Mira and the White Whale. Which yes, would be conflicting since "WELL THEN WHY HAVE THE VECTOR STUFF AND MENTION DIMITRI AND ALL THAT?! THERE'S SPACE COLONIZATION. "

X had a lot of Saga blood for sure, but this seems to pretty much hint that something wacky is happening in greater Xenoblade lore.

Earth went BOOM in X, but Klaus destroyed it/split it in the trilogy. So that's the argument people make. How can the reformed world be Mira if earth died a different way in X?

I...I really don't have an answer other than it's possible that Mira has some strange way of pulling other universes peoples in to preserve life because it's core is Origin or something?

Look I'm stretching here I'll admit. But I'm just wondering if time and space warping caused something?

This DLC broke me, Matthew says his full name at the end confirming that the house titles are indeed Last Names and as far as I care, Ortiz is Shulk's and Rodes is Rex's since that's the last names their kids chose to use at least.

They fused into a huge mech. Alpha's second phase belongs in Bayonetta, N actually has pretty damn good writing with depths I didn't expect.

But I'm still not gonna calm down about that DAMN RADIO!

Edit: Okay so after giving more thought, I can see the Xenosaga connections more clearly, and yeah they're important. Namco did snag the copyright to Xenosaga a while back (the Fandom went nuts). And while I don't think the future connections will be as glaringly obvious as some might hope, I do see Namco popping in to allow references moving forward. I expect them to use X substitutes when needed if they can't agree to do __

X definitely is its own separate universe within the multiverse, but I would at least say that hypothetically some characters from X would exist in a Trilogy universe, just not in the same exact roles due to timeline wackiness. (No Elma though, she would break the No Xenoforms rule).

[archeologistfalse]

“Uh it kinda long story but I give you the short version.” False cleared her throat:

“So basically there this guy died long ago, and one of my ex history mate who was really into sleep knew he was the first person to write stuff about shulk since he somehow discovered it in his dreams and wanted to find out more accurately what happened inside that dream. After time traveling, a long story on it own but thank to a creeper fortune teller we found the guy asleep on the same night. I did an organ harvest since I did this to a couple of other more friendly mobs before. The spell by the way was found by my mate since even if we talked to the guy about it, dreams are usually mostly forgotten afterward.”

“After that we went inside his dream and fought those blobs, either the dude has some protection or everyone has blobs in their mind that help protect them from dreams invaders. Think of them like slime but flesh. Anyway my mate got what he wanted and more, and I got to stabbed a unicorn in a dream with one of the blob. We got out, and left. Also my mate has a change in career after that, since he discover he like blacksmithing more and last I heard he doing well for himself.” She smiled more brightly

“So yeah that the short version, pretty boring huh?” False asked as they finally got to the tree farm, steps no longer echoing by the catacombs.

A meetup for froglights on the bridge is coming up in— approximately five minutes. The sky is clear, fluffy clouds float overhead like waterproof cotton in a lake.

@sanctuaryguardianfwhip

False had gotten finished messaging about trading frog lights from Fwhip in the comms. Ever smiling and excited, she quickly gathered all three colored frog lights in her skulker from her chest and newly revived frog lights trees that Jimmy accidentally kill off in his previous visit. She didn’t know what color Fwhip wanted, False probably should have asked but eh False would pack all three just in case.

It wasn’t long before she was standing on the bridge, waiting for Fwhip.

[calamitaswrath]

No one:

Xenoblade 2 fans talking about Xenoblade 1: So it takes place in a pocket dimension that was created by Klaus, who famously said "We are about to bear witness to the birth of a pocket dimension!", and the world in Xenoblade 2 is the main one, meaning that it is more important. Also Alvis is an Aegis and essentially a Blade, so Zanza and Shulk and kinda also Meyneth are his Driver, which are all concepts that exist and are relevant to the world of 1. If the parties of 2 and 1 would fight, the party in 2 would just instantly win, because they use Blades and Blades make them super powerful, and it's not like the party in 1 can canonically do about the same things as the party in 2 without needing Blades. Unlike Xenoblade 2, Xenoblade 1 also has no replay value, because it doesn't have the gacha mechanics, and nobody cares about the sidequests which are all just basic fetch quests anyway. And Xenoblade 1's plot is also story-driven instead of a character-driven like 2, because it clearly isn't about its characters. Anyway at the end of Xenoblade 2 the two worlds got merged and that is how Xenoblade 3 is set up to happen!

[rayvenden]

Hoo boy. That Xenoblade Chronicles 3 direct. I got teary-eyed. I’m happy with the way they handled the direct. Not TOO much information, but a few points we knew about were clarified, and a couple other things teased. There’s plenty to discuss but I just wanna talk about this expansion pass image real quick.

Series spoilers. You’ve been warned.

Okay so at first glance you’ve got the main blade from each game. Shulk’s Monado on the left (or rather it looks like a Monado Replica), Rex’s Aegis on the right, and Noah’s blade in the center. This is a good representation of each game, and likely means that the two Hero Characters in the Expansion Pass are Shulk, and either Rex or just Pyra/Mythra.

However it might be more than just that. My first reaction was “I wonder if this is representing the Trinity Processor - Ontos, Logos, and Pneuma?” The Monado representing Alvis (Ontos), the Aegis representing Pyra/Mythra (Pneuma), and Noah’s blade... representing... Malos (Logos)??? Could it be?

One thing though, I think Noah’s blade more or less resembles the Mythra form of the Aegis. It has some of the same design and details. (While the Aegis on the right is more Pyra.) But... Noah has black hair... Malos has black hair... SURELY NOT A COINCIDENCE? Lol shhh I know it’s a stretch but let me have fun.

Since apparently each in the trinity processor has a Proverbs verse attributed to it, I’ll leave you with the one for Logos.

Quick edit: I really want to connect Noah’s blade to Malos somehow, but designwise, to me, it looks more like you could take the True Monado, smush it with the Mythra blade, shake it around a little, and you’d get Noah’s blade. So maybe it could be something closer to, like, parallels with the concept of two things becoming one. Like how the Ouroboros work. (And, presumably, if we get a happy ending, both nations could become one?)

Anyway that’s it. Hopefully I’m done typing nonsense lol.

[stupidstupidratcreatures]

jadis (+misc) thoughts

so there's a bunch of stuff i liked about. all that and a little bit that i didn't that's just been sticking with the comic since i started it

i did really really like how like... nuanced jadis was presented as. like all of the demiurges have a thing of "this person was made into what they are by their circumstances, they wanted on the winning team and not the losing one" (except for mammon LOL but he kinda had the same thing just in the reverse order) which i have continued to really like. but especially for jadis where like she's a victim ("" etc ymmv) of circumstance but also did have the agency to make one single choice, which was to immediately bite off more than she could chew and then be shocked into submission for all of it. i know abaddon had a whole thing about people trying to read into it as much as they could to make jadis a liar and how much she isn't that and like i don't think she is but i also don't think she's supposed to be this objective thing. like the specific word he used there was "reasonable". also re:that a little tom for the love of god can you turn off comments on your website they annoy me personally and also you it seems like

anyway so jadis got overwhelmed by knowing everything at once, we saw that happen to allison. like once that happens to you it's really hard to think about anything else. i think she just feels trapped by the whole thing, like she could (shulk voice) change the future by doing something else instead of what she's been predicted to do but the difference would be so small in The Scheme Of Things as to be meaningless. and yk like she does kinda do that, she spends weeks trying to get allison to just eat some food, which my next point: the three and a half years allison spent with jadis are presented as necessary recuperation instead of a waste of time. i really like that. like obviously she would've just died on the moon of rayuba if jadis hadn't offered her help but even beyond that the first panel after the six (billion. lol) month timeskip is her sitting outside, in clothes, not emaciated, eating and reading books. like that's really cool! she can do that again! and then the like zaid thing. which. man. first of all im just glad zaid and allison like actually were able to talk second of all he seems like a cool and nice dude. anyway like. zaid is obviously the reason allison leaves but like it's also just. jadis never had that. jadis can't have that. the only people that jadis is connected to are people who worship her for living in a hospital/being frozen in ice so like no help there like jadis is actually just fucking stuck there. forever. unless The Gang decides and is able to break her out. which i can dream both because i think it'd be cute and because it would be an actual cool writing move but like this will not be a thing that happens

anyway because of that i thought the thing where jadis introduced herself as the prescient one with the story about allison sitting next to that kid at lunch because she was the only one who wasn't weird about her and making her laugh before she died and then the. jadis saying goodbye to allison and thanking her for her presence as she says she's stupid for trying and she isn't coming with her. man can we get jadis a hug. for the love of god. like she's trying to help where she can and she's had way too much shit and she gave allison something physical to remember cio by even though shes being weird about it and. cries 10 million forever

also the way prosthetics were treated on the like 3 most recent pages felt really tasteless for reasons i don't feel like explaining but for reasons i think are probably pretty understandable. i really don't like the sff thing of prosthetics being treated as manifestations of like spiritual sickness (when they arent like symbolically evil etc etc) and like. for the arc that made me want to actually pick this back up because abaddon was talking about how trope-break-y it was etc etc like that's just really lame. letdown of the century, please be ableist in new and interesting ways next time. that said the "even if i'm in hell, nobody gets to tell me i can't enjoy myself" page is so fucking good. simply love to see it. cant wait for the page after that to be allison giving jadis a huge hug and bringing her with her and zaid

also, white chain alive! but we knew that already like she JUST got her human body. yes abaddon jokes a lot about doing character designs that he renders unusable by killing them on the next page but like cmon. we knew this. they didn't show a body

i'm going to bed now so the last thing i'll say rn is i'm still really fucking annoyed about allison only ever. i don't wanna say "feeling the bare minimum of emotion as required by the plot" because she feels very strongly about a lot of things but like you get what i mean. like a lot of the k6bd characters i get the sense of like, this is an interesting character. i want to know more about them and would be invested and entertained by a story different from the main one that focuses on them. like i don't get that with allison like she's being really depressed because the author wanted to write about depression now. like which is true of every character of course but. you know what like i played about 200 hours of a jrpg that i thought i would like way more than i did and that i tried to like way more that i did and like i'm so so so so so fucking sick of Main Characters who have zero like definable personality other than "i'm here to move the plot forward! i'm here for the audience to have a perspective imposed on them!" and like the evil mode thing doesn't even work there either because the jrpg guy had one of those too and his evil mode was still really dull but also actually a little bit interesting! like please for the love of god i need a character that justifies themself as a main character with something more than "audience perspective" like FUCK

[xemobladechromicles]

Top 5 Best Villains

5. Ramsus (Xenogears)

I’m going to admit to not entirely remembering Xenogears’s story, but Ramsus was my favorite antagonist there. The problem with most villains in the game are that their most important content happens in disc 2, which is too abbreviated and difficult to follow to properly sell their impact. Overall, Xenogears is a game heavily bogged down by its complexity. It was ultimately both too ambitious for the skill and resources of its creators, which results in a story that presents interesting ideas but is also clumsy and difficult to follow.

Like, many characters, he is a strong concept with a difficult to follow execution. He is a general of Solaris, which are functionally Nazis, while still trying to follow his ideals. He spent his childhood being groomed by the people running Solaris to hate Fei because of lore reasons. So, he’s conceptually meant to be a good person who was raised from birth to be a commander in a fascist government. In practice, Rammus is primarily a Disc 1 antagonist, who starts off intimidating but the player learns about his past over time and starts to sympathize with him. Ultimately, the execution is clumsy and difficult to follow, but his concept always stuck with me. 

He also acts as a counterpart to Elly, who is also a soldier from Solaris who ultimately defects. I honestly don’t remember if this idea is even explored because Rammus’s backstory is mostly revealed in Disc 2, which summarizes and skips over a lot of stuff. 

Overall, you can probably tell from this that I don’t have the same respect for Xenogears as a lot of its fans, but the main thing that elevated Ramsus over other major antagonists was that I was able to understand the major story beats of his character before consulting the wiki. The only other antagonist to accomplish this was Id, but I wanted to talk about Ramsus because Id barely has the chance to do anything because he’s primarily a disc 2 character. 

4. Dickson (Xenoblade Chronicles)

Dickson is a really well done twist villain. He’s primarily a scumbag with shallow motives, but he makes up for it by his plot presence. His VA does an amazing job selling him as enjoying himself but not completely off from the Dickson we knew before that point. He treats the affair of betraying the party like a business as usual ordeal where he just enjoys his job. 

He does a lot of heavy lifting in setting the game’s final act, beginning it by killing the game’s protagonist and talking about how he only raised Shulk because he was Zanza’s vessel. Before this point in the game, Dickson was a secondary character who was somewhere between a dad, a jokester, and a cheesy action hero. He effectively goes from being a fun side character to being a fun fuck-you villain. Out of the Zanza-aligned antagonists, Dickson is the only one with an established personality, so leading this act with him shooting Shulk kicks off the final quadrant which is defined by fighting former friends and loved ones, betrayal, and everything the characters knew about the world coming crashing down.

As an antagonist, Dickson is pure evil. No redemption, no mind control, nothing; he does what he does because he does. This hurts because he’s a likeable character, therefore you want him to be redeemable, but he simply isn’t. As a side note, while I don’t think Dickson did the most subtle job at foreshadowing his eventual betrayal, I do think he did a good job at ensuring that this act didn’t come out of literally nowhere, which is the most important thing. Xenoblade chronicles has a lot of foreshadowing in the form of off-handed dialogue, especially placed in the earlier parts of the game, which works for Dickson because even if the player catches on that Dickson is deceiving the party in some way in Satorl Marsh, his betrayal is so much later in the game that there’s a high chance of the player forgetting it. The moment before he shoots Shulk is also great. There’s just enough timing for dread and anticipation to crop up right before he shoots on second viewing.

Dickson’s death was also perfect for the character. He isn’t redeemable, he’s been lying to you this entire time. Despite it all, he did watch the protagonists grow strong enough to beat him. So, his send-off is bitter-sweet. I like how Shulk cries while walking into the portal to fight Zanza. I also like how Dickson calls off the fight when he’s dying and goes to die in a corner and take a smoke. Even though he’s ultimately a piece on Zanza’s chess set, he still got to choose how he wanted to die, a right afforded to him by Shulk, who is fighting to end everyone’s predetermined destinies. 

He’s a simple antagonist that could have benefitted from more complications, especially from Shulk’s or Dunban’s part, but he fills his role in the story well for what he is.

3. Kevin (Xenosaga)

Warning: abuse mention

Kevin is interesting to me because he’s such a shitbag. Like, holy shit the amount he emotionally manipulates Shion is ridiculous. I think the Xenosaga series has issues with the concept of restraint, but it really works here. He also acts as a foil to Allen, where Kevin is trying to save Shion from her fate but does so by emotionally scarring her, Allen cares a lot about Shion and wants to protect her but cannot. 

He’s first introduced in Xenosaga Episode I as the primary motivator for her to complete KOS-MOS. She was their project and even though KOS-MOS killed him due to a malfunction, Kevin would have wanted her to finish their project. Shion treats KOS-MOS almost like her child because of it. The player doesn’t learn that he faked his own death until Episode III, where its first primary conflict is KOS-MOS being scrapped in favor of T-ELOS, an android created from KOS-MOS with significantly higher output, which is secretly run by Kevin. By this point in the series, KOS-MOS has established herself as somewhere between a person and a weapon, effectively having a soul, so killing her isn’t going to fly. This also reflects on how Kevin is more than happy to take Shion’s feelings and throw them into the garbage dispenser just to advance his own goals. Which is contrasted by how much Shion obviously loves him. She was willing to complete and defend his legacy in spite of her own mixed feelings because of how much she loves him.

The protagonists of Xenosaga can be defined as being weak but human, while Kevin made the decision to give up his humanity to become strong. This weak but human dynamic is most represented in Allen, who is literally just some guy, but he cares a lot about Shion and even though he’s so nothing, he’ll always try to stay by her side. Allen cannot save Shion from her death, he cannot save the universe from collapsing in on itself, he can’t protect Shion from her trauma, but he’s still there doing every limited thing that he humanly can. Kevin can save Shion from her death, he’s working to prevent the universe from destroying itself, he can do so many things that a human like Allen could never hope to do, yet he’s still a self-serving bastard. He isn’t trying to save Shion because she wanted to be saved, he’s doing so because he wants to save her. And his methods are a major source of trauma for her. Watching him, it becomes unclear whether he even truly cares about her. 

Kevin’s also an extension of the themes KOS-MOS vs T-ELOS represents between materiality and spirit. KOS-MOS was created by Shion in memory of a dead loved one and holds Mary Magdalen's soul, while T-ELOS was created by Kevin for the sole purpose of housing Mary Magdalen’s body. Which is reflected in how the two characters see the world. Shion is a very emotional character. She sees the life and value in what exists around her. Kevin, on the other hand is a very material heavy character, he sees the world only in terms of what does and does not exist. So of course Shion’s creation would house a soul while Kevin’s would only house a body. This theme of soul vs material is extremely common in Monolith’s writing and it’s very present here as well.

What I like about Kevin’s story is how messy it is. The story is told almost entirely from Shion’s perspective. Her rose-tinted lens of the man. As the player, it’s hard to know whether he’s a genuinely good person making bad decisions or the biggest pile of dicks to exist ever. But ultimately, through all the feelings of love or any of his stated intentions, he abused Shion. At the end of the series, he sacrifices himself. Whether he did so to protect Shion or for redemption, it’s up to interpretation. I honestly cannot tell whether or not he’s meant to be sympathetic, and I like that because it just adds to the mixed feelings the character leaves you with. 

The character being so difficult to get a read on works because that’s how abuse works. Victims of abuse will have a hard time realizing that they’re being abused until it’s too late, they’ll side with their abusers, they’ll see them as good people and make excuses for them, even when they act inexcusably because on some level, abusers are human beings and their victims know this. A lot of stories that cover abuse struggle to really get this aspect of it correct. Usually them being an abuser will be signposted to the audience way before the characters, which makes the character’s sticking with them look like poor judgement rather than what it actually is. Kevin is unique because his hands are never fully revealed, so even after his true death, the player is left without a clear direction on him.

2. Lao (Xenoblade Chronicles X)

Warning: Suicide Mention

Lao starts off as a party member, who then betrays the party for the Ganglion. He is the main focus of the game’s strongest story beat. Lao is a hero villain. He is also the first in a series of villains in the series who is beaten down by despair and opposes the party out of a suicidal desire rather than a malicious one. I personally am not a fan of the villains who want to kill the world because they are suicidal because that explanation doesn’t make a ton of sense to me. Generally when someone wants to kill themselves, it comes from a sense of deep hopelessness and wanting a way out. I’m not saying that it’s always the case, but these villains are typically presented as destroying the world out of a sense of hopelessness. So, I’m left confused on why these antagonists chose to kill the world rather than just themselves. Ultimately, characters like Jin and N feel like they’re trying to imitate Lao without truly understanding why he worked.

As an antagonist, Lao’s value is derived almost entirely from his motives. In Xenoblade X, you should be playing the sidequests experience the full story, so you have likely already encountered evil human characters or characters colluding with the Ganglion, especially if you’ve completed Hope’s second affinity mission. What makes these characters different from Lao lies in their motives and thematic purpose. The human NPCs in X are complex as a whole, each having their own subtly different takes on the events of the game. Earth’s destruction, mimeosomes, etc. They exist to show the complexities of humanity. How some people will do everything they can for the greater good while others will act selfishly, even when it’s to the detriment of both their own and everyone’s survival. Which are how these side-quest antagonists typically fit into X’s themes. As a suicidal character, Lao is not unique either. Throughout affinity missions and NPC dialogue, you learn that many human characters feel disassociated in their mimeosome bodies. Either seeing themselves as not real or expendable. Which is only compounded with by witnessing their friends and loved ones die with the earth.

Lao exists as a combination of ideas already presented in side-stories. He wants to die and he knows that dying can’t be permanent because of the stasis created by the mimeosomes. Even if he took his own life, he’d just be brought back in another mimeosome. It would be an endless cycle. Thus, it would easier to just tear everything to the ground than to go on living in these empty bodies dying over and over again just to protect the parts of humanity least worth saving. All he has to do is steal a piece of data, run, and wait for the clock to go out. His motives become more thematically appropriate upon learning the context of Chapter 12. 

On his own, Lao provides an interesting perspective on everything. So much of X is about how humanity intends to survive after losing everything. Elma is the character most representative of this. Her sole focus is the survival of humanity. Lao asks if humanity is worth saving. After all, it would be easier to just accept death than fight this uphill battle. Which is what the conflict between him and Elma is fundamentally about. You could say during this fight, the protagonists represent fighting for humanity’s survival while Lao is fighting for humanity’s soul. That’s also why he gives up on his goal upon seeing Lin stopping Elma from shooting him. Because she proves that humanity still has a soul. It is also why he acts the way he does during Chapter 12, if humanity is worth protecting, he will protect it. The final fight with Lao isn’t about the opposition between humanity’s survival and, well, humanity, it’s about overcoming the ugliest parts of humankind to pave a way towards the future; a sweltering uncontrolled amalgamation that just wants to survive and die and aimlessly destroy where one consciousness has no hope of ever directing the mass of disfigured beings. 

The fight against Lao during Chapter 11 is one of the most thematically dense moments in the series, especially among the more recent games. I’ve already talked about how Elma represents survival no matter the cost while Lao represents the cost itself. But the actual details of their debate says a lot about both Lao’s and Elma’s characters. To Elma, there is no such thing as a soul, rather the human experience can be surmised as a collection of one’s memories. There is very little variance between human to human, after all, the DNA of two people on opposite sides of the Earth are functionally identical. Thus, factors like race, class, age, etc. weren’t things she saw as important to consider when it came to archiving the human experience and, in more practical terms, who was worth saving. Lao argued that because she ignored those things, only the worst of humanity escaped Earth’s annihilation. It doesn’t matter if those issues aren’t logical, humans will still do it anyways. The only survivors from Earth were the ultra wealthy and the military. What about the people who were neither rich nor useful? The homeless, the poor, the disabled, the young, the elderly, his family. This isn’t humanity. Lao challenges the very reason you’re trying to save the human race from extinction. 

Then there is Lin, the sole child to survive human extinction. She represents everything humanity is meant to protect. Though she was only brough aboard the White Whale because of her engineering talents, she is humanity’s future. Lao recognizes this. While Elma treats Lin as an adult, entrusting her with a world of responsibilities, Lao sees her as the kid she is. For her, he puts aside his depression and takes care of her in whatever capacity he can. He takes her out for tea, he jokes with her like an uncle, he keeps an eye out for her wellbeing. Even when he’s seeking to destroy the human race, he’s still trying to protect her from his hopelessness.

Lao is the climax to Xenoblade X’s themes. An interesting villain with easily understood motives hiding a lot of depth. He acts as a foil to the two protagonists, giving them a lot more depth. Elma in particular really shines during the Lao fight because he challenges everything she stands for.

1. Metal Face (Xenoblade Chronicles) 

Metal Face is a pure fuckboy villain, and he leaves a glorious first impression. He has the perfect combination of amusing and terrifying, ending his run as pathetic. He establishes the Faced Mechon and the mechon as a whole as malicious and threatening, which sets the scene perfectly for every mechon-related villain after him. 

The reason he’s able to establish himself as a threat so quickly and effectively is that his first two encounters consist of him taking the protagonists down a notch. During his first encounter, you just got the Monado and just obtained some way to fight the mechon, only for this one mechon to appear that cannot be damaged by the Monado and then said mechon proceeds to kill an established party member. Metal Face’s decision to leave doesn’t appear to be caused by the protagonist’s actions either. In all of Shulk’s rage and Fiora’s desperate final stand, they were only able to scratch him. The second time Metal Face shows up, he doesn’t even fight you, he only taunts you. This time, he appears right after Xord’s death, which establishes that the Faced Mechon are not invincible. Metal Face uses this time to reestablish the Faced Mechon’s threat and to undermine any growth the protagonists might have undergone between his first and second encounter. Even resident badasses and heroes Dunban and Dickson showing up only proceeds to amuse him. Xenoblade Chronicles is a shounun, which uses strength as a metaphor for growth. By having the protagonists unable to even shut him up, it’s a reminder that they are still weak and powerless. But the fact that he is forced out of the encounter by a Telethia piloted by some unknown man says that seriously threatening Metal Face, and, by extension, the mechon as a whole, is possible and the protagonists will get there. As a side bonus, it also puts the Telethia above the mechon in hierarchy early in the story, which helps elevate Zanza’s threat during the final quarter of the story.

Metal Face’s role in the story changes during Prison Island. While his first two encounters consisted of him knocking the protagonists down a peg by showing up at the worst times possible and being a dick, you are prepared for him this encounter, and you destroy him. Shulk rips his arm off and could have killed him easily if not for the revelation that the Faced Mechon were once homs. Now that the protagonists can annihilate the mechon, which is represented by Shulk chopping Metal Fuck in half, the story begins to shift towards should he do so. Metal Face goes from representing the image of all mechon to representing the evil of the mechon. If Metal Face didn’t exist to ask the question of “can Shulk destroy the mechon,” it would have diminished the tension of “should Shulk destroy Egil,” which is the primary question that follows Metal Face’s death.

During Metal Face’s encounter during Valak Mountain, he attempts to pull the same stunt as his second encounter where he appears out of nowhere to put down the protagonist’s goals of making progress, but he ultimately fails at that mission as the goal has begun changing from “defeat the mechon” to “understand the mechon.” Thus, introducing Egil here as the leader of Mechonis progresses that goal while phasing out Metal Face’s importance. As Mumkhar, he is presented as a pathetic man using the power given to him as a mechon to incite petty revenge against Dunban. Mumkhar is not an interesting character and the story doesn’t try to make him one either. 

I will say that the story stuff surrounding Mumkhar is weak. Most of the details are left to the imagination. Was Mumkhar corrupted by the Monado? The mechon? Was he always a dickbag? He’s established as a coward in the prologue, but does that translate to him being a murderer? These questions at best create some uncertainty around Face Nemesis, but are undermined by her trying to have a conversation with the party before he interrupted. Mumkhar’s death was also quite weak. The party spares him, but he ultimately gets himself killed in a last ditch effort to kill the party. This could be meant to set up the idea that no everyone can or deserves to be spared, which could have lead nicely into the decision not to spare Zanza or his disciples, but this is never properly reflected on by the party, which results in Metal Face’s death feeling like a cop-out.

Overall, Metal Face does an amazing job establishing the groundwork for Xenoblade Chronicles. He gives the mechon a face before that torch can be passed to Egil. He also sets the scene of the conflict of the Homs and Mechon as being a simple conflict, which will be subverted later in the game. On his own, Metal Face strikes a strong balance between fun and threatening. His existence enhances the presence of many other villains that follow him.

[yellowocaballero]

🌟

Mens Rea!

But Steven could only shake his head. His breath was coming hard and fast, and it wasn’t only from exertion. “I’m not your mystery, She-Hulk. This isn’t - this isn’t your Law & Order or - whatever you’re always talking about. Shut up about your stupid case!”

“This isn’t about the case anymore!” Jen cried, exasperated. “This is about you - or maybe it was always about you, I don’t know. You weren’t honest with us, and now you’re flipping out in a superhero costume. Don’t you see why that’s a problem?”

“Get over yourself!” Steven yelled, and Jen jerked back. “I’m sorry I ruined your villain fantasy! I’m sorry that we’re not the bad guy here, that - that we’re just scared!” Steven’s breath was coming hard and fast, and he realized too late that it was from anger instead of fear. “You don’t know what it’s like! Waking up in random places all the time, losing hours or days or weeks! You’ve never had to hide this because everybody would treat you like a serial killer if you didn’t! You’ve never had to degrade yourself just to eat! Is that what you wanted to hear? Is that what you wanted to understand? You can’t!”

Privilege was a huge thing in this story.

I'm not certain how many people use comic books & law procedurals in order to talk about privilege and ableism but I guess I'm one of them. I absolutely love having different characters walk into the same story from two different genres, and the conflict it inevitably creates.

There's two levels to this:

The more literal one. As Steven so hysterically points out, the bad guy in the lives of people in Jen's life are the ones suffering most in Steven's. Marc's life has been constantly destabilized by his amnesia and blackouts. DID is insanely stigmatized, and he's lived a lot of his life in fear of other people finding out that he was 'crazy'. Due to the military thing Jake helpfully lays out for us, Marc was railroaded into spending his life acting against his ethics and wishes and doing things he views as morally degrading. It results directly in the Khonshu thing, and we see through Jake that the dehumanization of serving as Khonshu's weapon & the way it robs him of agency is shameful to him. Humiliating might be a strong word, but Jake's crude jokes about sucking dick hit Marc hard for a reason. And, even more importantly, there's basically the conversation that the Social Justice Defenders have in Good Luck Jake!. I won't repeat it here, they outline it and I can give you the articles where I got those numbers. Bonus add in Jake's breakdown of the VA disability benefits. Shulk spends time talking about justice here, but maybe at the very end of both stories is my actual answer on justice: how can we condemn people when life is so fucking unfair? The system is the villain of the Avenger's story, but the Defenders say it: did Jake/Marc ever really have a chance?

Shulk's living Law & Order, and people like Marc are the bad guys in Law & Order. They're the bad guys in Criminal Minds and they're the bad guys in uh literally pick any police procedural. Shulk's living comic book, like ten times during the story I turn to the audience and say "hey this is a comic book!", and people like Marc are the bad guys in comic books too when they are not Moon Knight and still incredibly off his rocker. Marc's living comic book too, on some level Marc really wants to be a superhero, and as a result he's finding himself sucked into this whirlpool of bad guy. Steven's living secret identity and he is miserable. They're trying to live something not real and it's making 'em miserable. Jake's living Buffalo Bill because fuck you DAD. I don't spend as much time on this bc of lane reasons, but Jake is also living Narco/Telenovela villain/immigrant working class & manipulating their assumed position at the bottom of the social class. Point 1 + Point 2 = A She Hulk who has the privilege and luck to be the hero of every hegemonic story (or, crucially, who can pretend), and a Marc who is systematically ostracized and excluded due to an inability to perform functionally and unobtrusively in society.

All of this equals the moral, which is that Maybe They're All Just Guys and maybe we shouldn't attempt to fit into oppressive hegemonic ideals that are constructed in order to maintain an underclass. This isn't fiction, this is real life and people are complicated in real life. Real life has a military industrial complex.

But it's not a comic book. This was never a comic book. This is a fanfic. It's not even real life. This is a fanfic.