#ANYWAY this makes my heart hurt for louis so much

[platoapproved]

Well, you don't talk about your mother very much.

insp (x)

[myheartissetinmotion]

just finished s2e2 and. wow (theatre kid musings below the cut)

the scene where louis and claudia watch their first of the coven’s plays is possibly the single scariest thing i’ve ever watched. to hunt for food is one thing, to hunt for food but have fun with it bc you’re a vampire is another, but to make the killing so theatrical and humiliating and needlessly, calculatedly, flippantly cruel is something else entirely. the audience as a reflection of humanity itself gets called tf out for being complicit (oddly, or brilliantly, by the one committing the violence himself). it was surprising to see that claudia had apparently become so disconnected from humanity that she had the same expression as i’ve had at a thousand theaters. she even clocked that the reason louis was upset was his empathy for the woman who was killed, but didn’t have that herself-it had been very well established before that she has no qualms in killing, but again, this just feels different. the plastered smiles on the vampires’ faces, the way her body drops through the trap door, forgotten, as the audience wildly cheers. it’s deeply pit-in-your-stomach horrifying. then there’s the idea that louis has that moral twang against what the coven is doing and still kinda falls for armand (honestly can’t blame him though). and then there’s the tragic knowledge that a similar violence to what claudia is cheering for will happen to *her* in just a few episodes. everything that she said to louis about the experience giving her true pride is sticking with me, it’ll all be something i’ll be parsing through for a while

also interesting to me specifically is the emphasis on claudia finding a family (for now) in the coven. in many ways, i’ve related to her as a character, including the desperate hope to be *part of something*, and this partly-run-down backstage filled with colorful characters and their french-accented drawling theatrics, with the smell of makeup and lust and paint in the air, inside jokes and going out after shows, old flickering lightbulbs arranged in patterns both fancy and haphazard-it’s an image i would viscerally long for as much as her, but this one carries an undertone even more sinister than typical vampire stuff. my mind has always considered theatre camaraderie to be somewhat sacred, and to see that blown apart through what’s quickly become one of my favorite pieces of media ever is going to be Something.

although, perhaps a few of my own theatre experiences aren’t at all dissimilar to this, the ‘in crowd’ believing they’re beautifully following their art as they look away from the bodies being dragged across the floor.

anyway, this show is very smart and extraordinarily well-done and makes my chest hurt and my head swim and my heart ebb along with the score. (also sam reid’s line delivery holy motherforking shirtballs. also more goddamn masterful dubai scenes. also the gershwin nods in this ep; ily daniel hart. also assad’s remarkable ability to pour so much expression into CONTACT LENSES HOW DOES HE DO IT. also also also)

[nightcolorz]

i don’t think i’ll ever be done talking about armand songs but for now i only have one left that i need to talk about and that is how much of a loumand song “Starring Role” by Marina is

like first of all “You’re hard to hug, tough to talk to, and I never fall asleep, when you’re in my bed, all you give me is a heartbeat” is so very Dubai loumand and in particular the scene of them alone in their bedroom and how detached it felt, the chaste kiss, Armand’s longing, pleading looks. He’s getting nothing from this.

Then, “I’ve turned into a statue, and it makes me feel depressed, cause the only time you open up in when we get undressed” is both very Armand-as-Rashid with the feeling that he is less of a person and more a servant in the eyes of both Louis and Daniel, and is upset by it. The getting undressed part is interesting because it’s both carrying on from this servant act, fitting in regards to Daniel’s “rent boy” comment, he’s not really a person unless he’s having sex with someone (which oh my god just SO Armand) but ALSO his relationship with Louis outside of the Rashid act- he doesn’t feel like their relationship is anything more than a sexual relationship anyway.

Leading into “You don’t love me, big fucking deal, I’ll never tell you how I feel, You don’t love me, Not a big deal, I’ll never tell you how I feel” Louis doesn’t love him. Not since before the trial at least, its all for spite. He wants Lestat, Armand knows this, and knows he’s only with him for misplaced spite. (“It almost feels like a joke to play a part, when you are not the starring role in someone else’s heart”) But I feel like Armand staying is proof that he does love Louis, even in a twisted way. He can accept it being unreciprocated as long as he has safety and security, even if he’s miserable and will never tell Louis how he feels.

The lines “You know I’d rather walk alone, than play a supporting role, if I can’t get the starring role” I think are an oddly brilliant summary of why Armand chooses to betray Louis in Paris even if it means his death. Armand’s insecurities mean he would rather be alone and self-sabotage than be with someone that he loves that he knows would sideline him for the ghost of his ex (who is also HIS ex)

“Sometimes I ignore you, So I feel in control, Cause really I adore you and I can’t leave you alone” is very reminiscent of Armand’s emotional abuse of Louis to get what he wants (again stemming from a deep insecurity and desperation to not be alone) He can’t be without Louis, so he makes him dependant on him in several ways, then emotionally withdraws for the control it brings.

“You’re like my dad, you’d get on well, I send my best regards from Hell” is a final nail in the coffin, Armand projecting his relationship with Marius onto Louis due to his need to be in that dynamic because its all he knows and recognises as love, even if its self-destructive. Louis goes along with it far too easily, which I think triggers Armand a lot more than he consciously realises. This behaviour is deeply hurting him but he can’t realise or understand why, but has a resentment for Louis come with it even if he loves him and wants him to do it. The mention of Hell is interesting as well, with the connotations. Armand putting himself in Hell as if he was a demon, even though his “father” always called him and angel, heavenly.

“I never sang for love, I never had a heart to mend, Because before the start began, I always saw the end, Yeah, I wait for you to open up, to give yourself to me, But nothing's ever gonna give, I'll never set you free, Yeah, I'll never set you free” This entire bridge just sums up their dynamic terribly well I fear. Armand’s eternal brokenhearted-ness, his “half blank half apocalyptic” looks, doomed from the start, wishing for Louis to be the one to be with him and save him, though not letting him go even if he knows those goals are unachievable.

Marina Lambrini Diamandis somehow you wrote the PERFECT loumand song in 2012 Godbless.

WOOOOOOOOWWW THIS IS PERFECT OMG!!!! This made me stim lol, I love Mariana sm and this is amazing analysis, AHHH YESSSS!!!! Adding to my Armand playlist ASAP. The youd get on well with my dad lyrics goes CRAZY in this context ur mind is incredible.

(Since we r on the subject lol hermit the frog by Mariana is very Amadeo era Armand to me hehe)

[themultifandomgal]

From 2010- Tour Break

2013

Part 32

20th August

“Harry will you just talk to me?” I ask stood in our kitchen. I came home 4 days ago and Harry has barley said a word to me. He’s facing away from me hovering over the sink “Harry!” I shout at him feeling irritated that’s he’s ignoring me. I see his back muscles tense before turning around

“What is there to talk about?” Harry brushes past me and walks into the living room

“Maybe the reason your upset with me?”

“I’m fine”

“No your not. Your pissed at me and I don’t know why. Even the fans noticed during our concert. So tell me. Why are you angry with me? What have I done?” I sadly say feeling really confused

“Nothing” he sighs “you’ve not done anything, but I just can’t watch you and him together. He’s not right for you”

“Him? You mean Liam” i scoff crossing my arms over my chest “ and how would you know that he’s not right for me?”

“Because I know you YN. At this point I probably know you better than you know yourself!” Harry storms over to me. I drop my arms and take a deep breath. I can smell his aftershave on his skin “because I can’t see you get hurt” he softly says now standing in front of me “I’m scared that when he breaks your heart you’ll spiral”

“I love that you care for me H but this isn’t your life, it’s mine”

“I know” he sighs looking into my eyes. His right hand then cups my cheek “I just… i…” he sighs then starts leaning in, he looks like he’s about to kiss me, but I pull away making a little bit of space between us “sorry”

“We can’t. Taylor and Liam”

“Taylor’s was just a publicity stunt. You know that and anyway we ‘split up’ at the beginning of the year”

“What about Kendal? You’ve been seeing her recently”

“She’s another publicity stunt YN I promise you”

“She may be, but Liam isn’t. Even if I were to say let’s give us a go the media would catch on then you’d be a cheat and I’d be a home wrecker. I’m sorry Harry, you’ve made it clear that you don’t like him, but I do and I really want to make it work between Liam and I”

“I’m sorry” he lowers his head before pulling me into a hug “I’ll always be here for you, you know that?”

“I know. Thank you” we stand there hugging one another, swaying side to side. I feel conflicted, being here in Harry’s arms I feel at ease, safe, like this is home, but with Liam I get the butterflies in my stomach. He makes me nervous. Breaking the silence Harry and I hear Louis shouting from upstairs

“Finally! you’ve made up”

“We were never fighting” Harry replies to Louis walking down the stairs

“It bloody felt like you were. Hated seeing you two barley even say one word to each other. Even poor Cookie could tell something was up”

“Speaking of Cookie I better take her for a walk”

“I’ll come with you” Louis quickly says making me frown

“You wanna come walk Cookie with me?” Louis never comes to walk Cookie with me

“Yes”

“Ok then” I reply taking Cookies lead and harness making her go crazy

“Wanna order Chinese tonight?” Harry asks

“Sure” I give him a smile, get Cookie ready and leave the house with Louis.

We walk in silence until I finally say

“You gonna tell me the real reason why you wanted to join me on a walk?”

“You gonna tell me why you dodged Harry’s kiss” I stop dead in my tracks. I can feel all the colour drain from my face

“You… you saw…”

“Come on YN it’s been obvious from day one that you’ve both had feelings for each other”

“I don’t know what your talking about” I start walking quickly again

“I know what your doing” Louis jogs up to catch up to me

“And what might that be”

“You started dating Liam because you know if he breaks up with you it won’t hurt as much as it would if it was Harry, but I can tell you know he’s crazy about you”

“That’s not, no thats, your wrong” I stutter feeling all kinds of mixed emotions

“Are you sure about that? Just like Harry knows you, so do I. I know you little ways and you have feelings for Harry”

“We can’t” I softly say “there’s to many factors at play. 1 the band 2 Liam 3 Taylor”

“Wrong time, right person. You’ll see” Louis says putting an arm around my shoulders, giving me a little squeeze. Once again we walk in silence. Leaving me to think.

17th September

I arrive in Melbourne Australia. Liam invited me here since 1 he wants me to meet his parents and 2 it’s like a mini holiday before I have to travel to Adelaide ready to restart tour again. Do I feel like Liam and I are moving a bit quick? Sure, but at the same time if I don’t meet them now who knows when I’ll next be in Australia.

“Don’t stress they will love you” Liam says taking my hand at the airport

“Liam cameras” I say looking around and instantly seeing paparazzi

“They’re going to figure out about us sooner or later”

“I know but Liam we’ve only been dating officially for a month. You and Miley only broke up like 3 months ago.

“Everything’s fine” giving in since I know there’s no point in arguing and follow Liams lead and we walk passed security then into a car that’s waiting for us outside.

[28mindgames]

What were the highlights of the show last night for you?

Hope you had the best night 🩷

for context: it was one of the worst weeks of my entire life because on wednesday my grandfather had a heart attack and i had to travel urgently to my hometown and then to another city where he was in intensive care. so when i got the call in my mind the posibility of going to the show was cancelled and obviously that make me very sad but at the same time i felt guilty for wanting to go. however, my family insisted that i had to go but i waited until the last visit on friday to decide because i'm an only daughter, i'm his only granddaughter and my family consists of him, my uncle and my mother so it's not easy and he's my whole life but that same night i returned to rosario and very early on saturday i was able to travel to buenos aires, i arrived there around noon. the line was soo long but there was a beautiful autumn sun.

i met 5 other girls and i was really surprised not to see or talk to anyone underage, we entered at 5:30 in the afternoon and i unbuttoned my jeans and sat in the pit to eat an alfajor (jajsjs). the chaos begun with pacífica and continued with giant rooks (INCREDIBLE!!!). before the show started i was on the verge of losing a shoe and even though it was hot from so many people, i had 4 layers of clothes and felt very cold. at this point my throat hurt A LOT

i realized that liam was in the vip but in the part where i was (next to the catwalk) no one made much of a fuss and liam's "newness" lasted at most 40 seconds, which is why i'm surprised to see so much talk about him online when in my experience it meant nothing and the people around me said "uh it's liam, that's great" and after 2 minutes they were already focused on louis coming out on stage (no olé olé olé liam in my area)

about the show: i don't know if i have the words to describe it but it made me feel so much HAPPINESS, i think about it and smile at the screen, louis was beautiful (that color is great for him and i loved the outfit !!!) the feeling of the music in your chest in a live show is incomparable and the introduction of the greatest 10/10, there were things that surprised me like songs that i didn't think the audience would sing that louder as coacoac or face the music. megamix live is a religious experience, my eyes filled with tears during we made it (how good it sounds!!! god was it possible to beat ltwt? yes). the band? excellent, louis' voice? sweet and clear

my phone doesn't take nice photos at night and the videos are dubious and never do it justice, so for me it was great to focus on enjoying the show and not so much on recording every second or trying to get the best photo. i wish i could name one song in particular but i enjoyed them all, of the 1d covers, i felt more energy and it was louder wtbhg and i'm not going to lie i enjoyed it a lot (fun fact: that song was recorded in buenos aires during wwat - yes! overwork! yasss!)

the ooms fp was AMAZING AAAAAAAA !!!!!! AAAAA !!! !!!! SO MUCH FUN. i have watched the video that inspired it millions of times (rolling stones in buenos aires 2006 - around 5:30) dreaming of living something like that and it was better: there was pogo, energy and argentinidad. the saturdays fp made me cry. A LOT. you could feel the adoration and love of the public for him and every time louis spoke it felt special <3

after ooms i went behind the front pit to have a more panoramic view and i saw how chris (i had him next to me because he started taking photos during wtbhg and i 👀 🤔👽🚶‍♂️) and matt were toasting with the technical team. silver tongues is the perfect ending for the show and the fireworks were like the cherry in top of a cake aaaaand that's when it really hit me HOW COLD IT WAS (6°) and i wished for the next tour happens in spring when buenos aires is completely purple with the jacarandás and it's my birthday, the funny part is that now it's not even winter here. anyways I LOVED EVERY SECOND AND I ENJOYED IT SO MUCH <3 i love louis with my whole heart I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT NIGHT ♥️🇦🇷

[monstersinthecosmos]

HI <3 Sheith VC anon here back with a very humble request. So I've read TVL and am currently reading QoTD, just finished the Devil's Minion chapter (oH mY gOD my HEART). I'm going through the books a bit slowly bc life stuff, but I have sooooo many thoughts and feelings and feel like I need to read lots of fic to work through it LOL. I would love it if you could rec me some (or tons of!) fics that wouldn't give me (m)any spoilers re: stuff that happens after this point in the series. I realize this might be a kind of hard/maybe impossible request because a lot of those spoilers would be referring to things that chronologically would have taken place prior to DM for instance, but I'm so starved I thought I might ask just in case! I'm not suuuper partial to any specific ships (Lestat/Louis is a bit boring IMO 😭 but I love them so I'll take it) and I don't have any NOTPs, so I'm down to read pretty much anything (esp if it's spicy and/or hurts my heart and/or features Armand lmao). Totally fine if this is too much trouble or if it turns out to be an impossible ask indeed; thank you in advance anyway! AND THANK YOU AGAIN for introducing me to these brain-rotting books lol I spend like half my waking hours thinking about Armand now.

SHGKJALDS I SPEND HALF MY WAKING HOURS THINKING ABOUT ARMAND TOO SINCE LIKE THE YEAR 2000 LMFAO im so glad you see!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU GET IT MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So babe tbh the reason I started writing Armand/Daniel fic at all is because there really ... isn't that much? And I was like GUESS I GOTTA FUCKIN COOK FOR MYSELF. So tbh I haven't actually read a ton of VC fic at all. The otp:true filter for them on AO3 (excluding TVverse fics) only has 237 fics hdkjgalds but you can start here LOL. I think for the most part you'll be able to tell in the tags if it's post-QOTD because people usually will tag like "post canon" or "Prince Lestat Era"; for QOTD fics check for a Devil's Minion/Devil's Minion Era tag. I don't always remember to tag my own fics but my only post-canon D/A fic is called "In the Trials of the Heart" and all my others are Devil's Minion era and shouldn't spoil anything ! Be aware that the TV fandom and book fandom sometimes overlap so there might be stray TV fics in the book tag; it won't spoil anything bc the TV canon is a completely different story, but it might not make sense if you jump in to read it. So without actual fic recs I'll share some authors that I really trust!! Have a look through their VC fics!!!!!!!

apoptoses (pervert extraordinaire 10/10, all the D/A fics are Devil's Minion era except for Blood Sanation so go nuts!) covenofthearticulate (this is Ash, she actually writes Loustat & Louis/Armand mostly but she's so smart and I trust her so much!!!!) Diabolus_Invictus HekateInHell (writes a lot of Lestat/Armand and also has a human AU called Our House that I'm obsessed with!) ImhereImQuire Nothing_But_Paisley rainandcoffee (if you're sick of all of our doom&gloom you can find fluff and lightness here!) whisperbird (just one VC fic but I think about it every day of my life I love it)

Whenever I remember I try to post VC fics that I do read, kinda like how Sheith fandom does Wednesday Fics, I try to tag #VCFicFriday so try there too!

Anyway if anyone wants to add to this post and share recs PLEASE DO I actually am not a great fic reader bc my attention span sucks and I'm picky about canon compliant porn LOL! But help our new friend out if you want to share any!!!!!!!!!!!!

[probsnothawkeye]

I meant to post this before midnight but got caught up in things anyway its my birthday and here is a list of some of my favorite podcasts I listened to in my 23rd year of life

Starting off with @ethicstownpod because we *have* to start with Ethics town it's so important and I love it so much. I will never forgive Louis for what they did but it is literally so worth the heartache <3 Ethics Town will hurt you! And you will thank it!

Up next is the Technomancy Project which fully rewrote my brain this year I absolutely adore this so so much. Its got magic! And science! And horror! And found family! It's the highlight of my month every month!

Sticking with the Faustian Nonsense train, we have Super Suits which is fun and funny and original and doesn't stab me in the chest, it just makes me laugh and I love it

Back to pain town, @tellnotalespod is phenomenal and magical and OW! I love Leo with my whole heart and cant wait to see what comes next from this show

Tiny Terrors started a couple weeks after I turned 23 and stayed with me all of the past year I love the Shed Gang and the frightening things they put me through. Perogi haunts me to this day <3

@liarsandleechespod came into my life swinging and making me cry at my desk. A beautiful story of grief that also contains horror elements that remain implanted in my brain it's just a spectacular show

@kingmakerpod has a trio of criminals I love with my whole heart and a magical world that absolutely fascinates me I adore it so much

@224bbaker reawakened my love of Sherlock Holmes by giving me an even more enjoyable detective team Fawx & Stallion is one hell of a show that you don't want to miss

I can and have written so much about @devisercast which was an earthshattering podcast I listened to this year that is still banging around in my brain and demanding I feel all the emotions from it. Its so so so good

This is not a complete list by any means but these were just a few of my favorite podcasts I listened to at 23

Since it's past midnight, I'm officially 24! 24 is definitely going to bring more excellent podcasts my way and I can't wait to listen to them

[persephoneflouwers]

Lucky Again

I spent the last few days thinking about this song quite a lot. I haven’t paid much attention to it at first, probably the excitement felt a bit mitigated by the fact we knew the song already, but I’ve been binge listening to the album for a month now and every week it’s a new week obsessing with a different song, so now it’s Lucky Again turn. I haven’t read many analysis or opinions lately, because I’ve been pretty busy, so I’m sorry if this is something someone already wrote about or if it doesn’t really make sense. It does make sense in my head tho, so I’ll hope I can articulate my thoughts well enough to convey the message lol.

I think Lucky Again is a very comforting song, more like self-comforting. It is a love song, but to himself. And since when I started reading at it like this… Lucky Again has been hurting more than any other song in the album. Yeah, I said that about All this time too but yall know what I mean lol. They are very very very personal songs. Louis is so good at writing about himself and being so open to fucking stub your heart with a single word, but sometimes it goes a bit unheard. Not here tho, not here.

Anyway. Let’s start!

You give and give until it's gone away, Just tell yourself you've got another day

Starting with a bang. I usually read deeper than necessary but the incipit feels a bit tough, doesn’t it? He’s saying life can get consuming. It consumes you, your time, your energies, sometimes your feelings. You give and give until everything is gone and you go though your day by inertia, one day after the other.

You've lived that life, you just don't see it yet

Truth been spoken. When you are in your darkest place, it’s hard to appreciate what you have and usually you miss it when it’s gone (oh wait! Maybe you don't know what's lost 'til you find it 🎶)

I see how hard you've worked to be yourself

When I tell you I sobbed the first time this line clicked in my brain. Just imagine Louis saying this to himself… argh! I don’t know how to react. It’s like absolutely amazing he appreciates and values how much he has grown as a person and how many steps forward he has taken and how rough some times were. It’s amazing to see him acknowledging he came out of his own dark places or at least he has tried. I was wondering what Louis meant when he said in some interviews he doesn’t like when people pity him, and I see why. There’s nothing to pity here, it’s just congratulations for how strong and tough he is. Hard work always always pays off.

If you believe that guy is Superman, They're selling tickets at the cinema

The interpretations of this line are potentially endless, but it always hit me for how real it is. It spoke to me like the best way to say ‘it’s bullshit, but you do you’. It’s a recurrent concept in FITF, the disillusionment and the concreteness of reality. He’s not a dreamer in this album, always very optimistic, positive, mature but never not pragmatic. He sounds jealous at some point, like one of those things you say to your partner when they make a comment about somebody else, right? But it’s the way he sets this in a specific direction, he sets the tone with two words: superMAN and cinema. So it feels to me like he is talking about a famous person who usually gets idolised, and by extent fame, popularity in general. I am not a teacher, but I would say this is a rhetoric figure called Synecdoche and I absolutely adore it! So does Louis, by the way. The choice of words is interesting and telling. He’s using believe as something a bit negative here. That’s ironic for an abum called FAITH in the future, isn’t it? But it’s his way apparently. He wants to create a paradox, a contrast and it’s clear since the cover of the album, since it doesn’t strike as a faithful cover to me lmao

Whatever gets you through the darkest night, Just find the light, Out in the madness, hold tight

Now that I’m writing about it, every line in this song feels like a ring of a chain and everyone references the other like it’s 🤯. Sometimes when I listen to songs I imagine how the singer would speak to someone else. For this part, I clearly see future Louis talking to present Louis and that applies to any other timeline, it’s an inception of Louis talking to himself basically. He’s encouraging to keep going no matter what (whatever gets you).

Through the night… isn’t it a-m-a-z-i-n-g how consistent this theme is in Louis songs? He’s been singing Through the dark for months and look at her, coming back in disguise! Self references are hot, but this one gets the cake. Is he by any chance saying «whatever gets you through the night… we will find a way through the dark» etc etc? Love it. 10/10.

'Cause I'm a hard man to lose

This has always felt a bit… weird. Like imagine you go “im hard man to lose” in a song where you are basically saying you are happy you’re together again or something. It feels… arrogant? A bit? And honestly that’s not a ‘songwriter Louis’ move. I just don’t see it. And I know, it’s always about the layers with him, but what if it’s literal this time? What if he is saying “I am not the one gives up, I am not the one losing”? After all, he’s been pretty open here about how hard he worked, he has just said he has to hold tightly.

But I figured it out then made my way back To a life I would choose

He settled it for me in this line. He is not one to lose, that’s how he went back to the life he chose and he says it as proudly as he can because the thing is… it doesn’t matter how crazy it is (the madness and all that) but he would do it again. Despite all the shit, he would do it again. You can take it as a nod to his relationship of course. He changes the line second time with ‘I'm a hard man to find, but you figured it out and I love you for that’, almost pushing for a love story interpretation. But to me it feels more like he is talking about second chances, specifically in his life and work opportunities . The life I would choose part screams career to me and hits you in the face pretty hard if you think of how many obstacles he has been going through since the start of his solo career and even before during the band.

We were lucky once, I could be lucky again

He’s been using only you/I form til here. Now, I know this we can be misleading. It’s very natural to conceive a we as an us, like two people in a relationship or something, but see… that’s very Louis lol. He writes songs like stories and here he’s storytelling. Sometimes it even feels like a plurale maiestatis! I use it an embarrassing amount of time especially for non-formal conversations, and probably this is my bias of interpretation since English is not my first language but it’s curious the way he switches from a We (in past form), to I (possible future form). That’s why I think the we is used only to help with the story he’s writing about, the past he’s recalling while writing the song.

Before the world had got so serious, Before the time it got away from us

Layers againnnnn! Is this about his past maybe in the band or before that? Is this about… I don’t know, the pandemic? The world got pretty serious in 2020 didn’t it? And stunt-wise things haven’t been looking pretty bright since the second half of 2020 so… yeah. But actually I consider this a description of more innocent times. He seems nostalgic of. Still… he doesn’t seem to be willing to go back then again. He misses simple times, but has faith the future would make him feel lucky again.

It got away from us… is so strong. It’s powerful the way he never really blames anyone for the bad or the wrong. It’s just that time goes away. Very Heraclitus of him with the panta rei and all (an usual recurrent theme in Louis songwriting) and very it is what it is too. He’s very coherent in his songs, I love it.

I meet you at the favorite subway stop, We grab some food then meet the lads for one

Storytelling king strikes again. He’s so good in describing moments from the past. Like Saturdays is a song born entirely from past memories, so I really shouldn’t be surprised he does it in Lucky too, but still! Look, lines like this are seriously meant to paint a scenario in your head and he does it so well. Meet, eat and smoke with friends like a Netflix and chill ante litteram. It’s so straightforward. 11/10.

Look back on a time, I was lucky once, I could be lucky again

I love love LOOOVE the way he uses look back on a time, because he really kinda confirms how all he just did was recalling moments from a past life through lyrical narration.

What a gem of a song.

Also special mention to The unfiltered version of Lucky again with the “I’m lucky/I’m in love” whatever the fuck you meant by that, Louis, that was pretty sick and it should have survived the final revisions.

[lululawrence]

lululawrence's January 2023 Fic List

Previous Fic Lists / Lulu’s List Podcast Masterpost

Happy 28th! Here are the 19 fics I read and loved during the last month. You'll notice I'm still finishing my Christmas reading, so let's just pretend it isn't so late in January as it is, shall we? And as always, be sure to show your love and appreciation for all of the hard work our fandom authors have put into their fics with kudos, nice comments, and (when applicable) reblogging their fic posts!

Mistletoe's For Two by @ireallysawanangel / crimsontheory (91k, E, Harry/Louis, Advent fic, enemies to lovers, fake dating, miscommunication, light angst, this fic was just so beyond charming and fun, i loved it so much, and from the beginning LOVED figuring out these characters, it was a great read and such fun enjoying as a WIP though i'm sure it's great all at once too haha)

love drunk, waiting on a miracle by @hellolovers13 / HelloLovers13 (30k, E, Harry/Louis, Advent fic, acquaintances to lovers, well, more like barista and customer to lovers, though that kinda happens at the beginning, and the focus is more on the development of their relationship, it's so sweet and fluffy and fast paced, it's a fun and lighthearted read that's got that festive spirit too)

Midnight by @kingsofeverything / kingsofeverything (11k, E, Harry/Louis, NYE fic, a/b/o dynamics, alpha Harry, omega Louis, friends to lovers, idiots in love, neighbors, there's more i wanna tag but it's kinda spoilery so I won't, I paused my Christmas reading for this, because everything about this fic is like crack to me, and as soon as I saw Lauren posted it and the tags and summary I had no choice, I had to read it immediately, and I regret absolutely nothing I loved it so very much, It was the perfect way to start the year for me lol)

Love This Christmas by @chloehl10 / lovelarry10 (68k, M, Harry/Louis, Advent fic, strangers to lovers, primary teacher Harry, teacher's assistant Louis, single parent Louis, pining, getting together, this fic was so much fun to read and I loved the details of the class and their working situation as well as outside of work the glimpses we got of their lives, and how it all just came together, this fic was adorable and sweet and i loved it)

Eyes on the Horizon by @uhoh-but-yeah-alright / yeah_alright (12k, E, Harry/Louis, Reverse Bang fic, age difference, older Harry, younger Louis, skydiving instructor Louis, Harry is having a bit of a mid-life crisis of sorts, he's just broken up with his long-term girlfriend, lost his job, and is coming up on a big birthday when he meets Louis, and he's so afraid of being a predator but ohhhhhhhh, he has NO need to worry about that hah, this fic was so incredibly fun and honestly quite educational about skydiving imo lol, but also so fucking hot it was SO good)

It's Thursday. Let's Get (un)Dressed. by @bananaheathen / bananaheathen (9k, E, Harry/Louis, NYE fic, tiktok, ootd tiktoker Harry, freshly broken up Louis, emotional hurt/comfort, Louis is pretty damn depressed which makes sense considering the situation, but he gets out of it and is okay!, genderfluid Harry, closeted Harry, this fic i'm kinda marveling at the fact it's only 9k because so many feelings and so much was put into it, it felt so much longer, and it takes up more space in my head and heart than I expected a 9k fic to be able to fill, but it's just, this fic is very important to me and i ADORE IT, SO MUCH, i keep thinking about this harry and louis as i'm going about my day sometimes, it's kinda ridiculous, anyway love love love and please read it and scream with me about how amazing it is thanks lol)

Wanted: Dog Walker by @louandhazaf / YesIsAWorld (6k, G, Harry/Louis, Reverse Bang fic, age difference, older Louis, younger Harry, silver fox Louis, dog walker Harry, neighbors, this fic is short and sweet and such fun, I love how Harry throws himself into walking Clifford, and how he and Louis start to develop a relationship with each other, it's very sweet and easy and honestly kind of precious)

Snow on the beach by @onlythesweet / onlytheclouds (9k, G, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, based on Hallmark movies in general, so it's exactly what you'd expect, the busy city guy spends his holidays with his family in a small, rural town, and gets off on the wrong foot with the town's darling, only for them to fall in love hehehe, and that's exactly what you get, featuring Louis as the city guy and Harry as the town's darling, this was such a sweet fic and had a lot of feelings mixed in it was lovely)

Odd Dogs by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry (4k, G, Zayn/Niall, Christmas fic, strangers to lovers, dog rescue, lots of dogs but especially a very special and important idiot of a dog, we love her very much a lot hahaha, if you're familiar with Emmu's special quirky shorter fics then you know about what to expect, and yet this fic just somehow goes one up, and i seriously almost woke up sleeping members of my household because of my laughter and teh sounds I was making trying to hold it in, this fic just hit me in the funny bone in a very specific way and Emmu's humor was perfection here, very very sweet and fun fic)

While the Moon is Bright by @tommokat / tommokat (1k, T, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, girl direction, speed dating, meet cute, this fic was such a fun little snippet of their lives and I loved the hints of what might be to come that were sprinkled in too)

Baking Spirits Bright by @beelou / cherrylarry (2k, G, Liam/Harry, Christmas fic, youtuber Harry, established relationship, baking, well it's hot chocolate from scratch which is more cooking but that's fine, fluff, this fic was a pure and sugary confectionary treat to read, it was fun to see what their relationship was like and how fun it is for them too, you know?)

All I know is I'm in trouble ('cause the atmosphere's so cold) by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed / we_are_the_same (8k, T, Harry/Louis, Zayn/Liam, Christmas fic, enemies to lovers, miscommunication, meet ugly, haha, skiing holiday, this fic was so good, I was trying so hard to figure out what exactly happened to make them so cold towards each other, especially when it was so obvious how much they loved their best friends and the fact their besties had fallen hard and fast, and then you learn and it's just, very sweet from there on out imo, this felt like a safe and soft space to hide out in for a bit)

'Sno(w) joke by @sun-tomato / SunTomato (6k, NR, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, snowstorm, stranded, in a library of all places hahaha, strangers to lovers, cuddling, this fic was just so sweet and easy, and Lewis was of course the silly side-bit character we all love him being, it was just overall a fun and kinda silly but also heartwarming fic)

Ho Ho Hopefully by @larrieblr / safetyfilm (5k, T, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, Harry is one of Santa's elves, Louis is a human he's been assigned to, pining, emotional hurt/comfort, strangers to lovers, this fic is so warm and tentative and sweet, and Louis is so lovely and exhausted and Harry just wants to adore him, it's so soft!!!)

Snow Squalls & Kitty Paws by @littleroverlouis / littleroverlouis (9k, G, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, cat cafe, cat cafe owners Louis and Zayn, pining, snow storm, snowed in, acquaintances to lovers, this fic was so fun and such a joy to read, i loved reading it so much and it was like a hidden safe place i just happened on, it was so sweet)

If you ever feel alone (Don't) by @beardyboyzx / beardyboyzx (10k, G, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, this fic is so heavy and sad almost but also so heartwarming?, Louis is clearly depressed and stressed and it makes sense why he's feeling that way, but also his friends are trying so hard to make sure he knows he's still loved and wanted, and so appreciative of the efforts he's able to make you know?, it's just, this fic was so lovely i adored it)

Louis' "Harry" Christmas by @chai-hat-tea / The_Halcyonic_Lachesist (10k, M, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, friends to lovers, idiots in love, hurt/comfort, like literal hurt, Louis injures himself and Harry cares for him, it's so very sweet, but also Harry's family helps them realize how stupid they've been, because they've basically been in a relationship without even realizing it lolll, i love it so much)

Mistletoe Cove by @wabadabadaba / wabadabadaba (5k, G, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, snowmen competition, strangers to lovers, this fic is so sweet and I love how it's based almost entirely around the snowmen they're trying to build, but they still manage to flirt despite that, it's so fun and silly and lighthearted)

The Elf who Saved Christmas by @ladyaj-13 / LadyAJ_13 (3k, G, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, strangers to lovers, older brother Louis, Harry works at a Santa setup at the mall, and Louis doesn't know the rules about appointments, and it's so very cute, Harry and Niall are so funny but also I would imagine risking getting into trouble, but also I almost cried out of relief when they did what they did for Louis, I loved reading about how sweet they were without even knowing Louis!)

[the-rockstar-lestat]

What I'm the most mad about, is that now there is this strong opinion going around that you and Louis never really cared about Claudia above a superficial level, it makes my blood boil, what a shallow way to view things

I have so many things I hate about this show but that might be the worst of them.

Claudia was the light of my life. Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood, evil of my evil. Daddy's little girl, Daddy's little monster. I loved her so much, with every beat of my black little heart.

I wanted, above all, for her to be happy. I did not know how to give her that happiness. I didn't realize , or maybe didn't want to admit, that I had stolen any chance of happiness the day I made her.

Turning her was a selfish act. I wanted her. I wanted to see what would happen. I wanted to make Louis happy, give him someone to care about. I wanted to keep him with me, so he wouldn't leave. I never thought of what she thought in the matter. She was a child, how could she understand or consent to any of it?

I used her.

But every day, I loved her. Every day of her life, I loved her. Yes, even the day she tossed me in a swamp. I'm like that, I never stop loving someone once I start.

I don't know why that was changed for the show, can't imagine why. To make her "move beyond" us? To give Louis more room to get into sexy love triangles with me and Armand? After all, sexy love triangles between two adult men are much more compelling than the complicated largely familial relationship between a father a daughter, right? (one of my big problems. This show seems to have no room for any relationship that isn't sexual) To get her into sexy love triangles of her own?

(I never met Madeleine. Louis did not know her well. He has told me that it was possible that Claudia had some sort of romantic feelings for her. We frankly don't know if Claudia did, or COULD have romantic feelings for anyone. He speculates if she did it might have been for women. Either way, he says Madeleine was more Claudia's child that anything else. A fledgling of her own. God knows what their relationship would have turned into. Claudia may very much have had a little too much of me in her for it to be healthy for them...)

(also, Madeleine was not a Nazi collaborator. Why was that a thing?)

Our lives were complicated. Our relationships were complicated. We've all hurt each other, we're all going to hurt each other again. We're all going to do unforgivable things. We're all going to forgive each other anyway . But the one thing that wasn't complicated was Louis and I loved Claudia more than anything in the world.

The show is very shallow.

[mf-means-matthew-fairchild]

Stuck in love is officially one of the best movies I've ever watched. Ik the name sounds cheesy and like every other rom-com name ever but believe me it's so good. I think it was because of the great (really really great) actors and the mood-setting music. Genuinely a great watch. I personally related to it so much.

Samantha's commitment issues? Yep. Yes. I got that yk.

Just everything about it was...true. Real. I loved all the couples and God Rusty deserved so much better. I cried so hard during the car scene (iykyk). I could feel the emotions literally wafting off the screen. The acting was nothing short of phenomenal. And Louis's mother part was also very very good. (Like how is that possible? How do actors become the person they're portraying? It's so so beautiful.) Oh I love that they're writers too. The mother-daughter thing really really touched my heart because well I'm not the greatest child to my mother. All mothers deserve better. This one line really hit deep.

"She's all I've done with my life and she doesn't want me." -Erica says this.

Backstory: (spoiler alert) See, she left her hushband and married another man. And her daughter is angry with her cause her dad is suffering and still waiting for Erica to come back after 3 years. Yes, the man she married was the man she cheated on her hushband with while they were not yet divorced. You can see how that would've affected Samantha. See, I'm not saying Erica herself is a good person (she is though. It's compliacated. You've to watch the movie to understand) but she is a mother and really, if you watch it, you can see that she loves her children with all her heart. And Sam is ruthless. I related so so much with her cause I get angry really quick during arguments with my mother and say very harsh things. I realised that it hurts them a 100 times worse than we intended it to hurt. That's just how mothers feel. Their children are literally all they are (I'm exaggerating but you get the point). It feels like they're dying when you hurt them even in the slightest bit cause they're living for you. You're all there is. That's what I got from the movie anyways. And i know that it's the same case with my mother.

Me and my brother, We're both leaving her soon. I'm going away for college and my brother is a senior. So, yeah. It's bad yk? She constantly says "How am I going to be without you?". Everyday.

Now, Louis's mother part. When (spoiler) she died, I felt it hit me right in the face. I imagined how I would feel if my own mother died and let's just say I was sobbing. Like hard sobs with shoulders shaking. I realised how important she is to me and how she is a major part of who I am. She's everything. Nothing makes sense without her. I'm fully meaning every word I say. My mother's life is not the best. People are constantly pushing her down. She's a home-maker. It's not fair how people treat her (by people I mean my family ofc) She's dedicated her life for me and my brother. All of us, the whole family. I can't imagine a life like that. I would not survive.

I got real deep but it's something I had to get down in writing. Who knows maybe I'll show this to my mom someday. She'll be the happiest person on this earth when she reads this, I'm sure. Shower your mothers with love! That's all they need from you.

[c2-eh]

I HAD MY MORNING THOUGHT AND IT WAS SO RANDOM (i dont want to suffer alone so you need to hear it too😅)

so what if- carlos doing the 'i made you look ' tiktok trend (persuaded by his sister, ofc) and when the lyrics goes 'but i'm hotter when my morning hair is a mess' he ruffled his soft messy hair back and carlos grining teasingly into camera--and we have Charles just choked watching the whole video🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

this took forever and I could have just answered, but I wanted to write this little something for you, so i hope you enjoy aksksks. Idk what is it with me writing silly fics, but anywaaaay.

After the whole day of being busy — training with Andrea to not get out of shape, grocery shopping, doing sim race, playing piano and million other things — Charles finally had time to scroll through everything he missed in the day.

So far, nothing much.

He was sitting on his couch in compromised position, his chin touching his chest. He was aware his neck is most likely gonna hurt tomorrow, but that's fine. It won't last, after all the training he endures.

His thumb was moving up and down in the same motion, as he was mindlessly diving deeper into his tiktok, not really paying attention to anything that showed up.

Until he saw Carlos' face show up on his screen.

Meghan Trainor's song filled the silent living room of Charles' flat, making him more alert. He moved upwards to sit straighter and focus on his phone, his eyes not leaving his phone screen.

The video started with Carlos wearing the plain grey t-shirt, as he mouthed the lyrics of the song.

I could have my Gucci on (Gucci on)

Charles watched Carlos move his very hairy arm over the screen, creating a transition to him wearing a button up with a blazer on top. Charles' brain stopped functioning for a minute, his eyes trying to see things outside the frame, which is quite impossible. He was visible only from his chest up, but it did not take anything away from his beauty.

I could wear my Louis Vuitton

Charles wasn't done inspecting Carlos in his suit on the screen, when he saw the flash of his hand moving up and down and suddenly, he was wearing his race suit. Charles isn't sure if race suit is worth a Louis Vuitton status, but if anyone would call it that, it's Carlos.

No matter how many times Charles has seen Carlos in his Ferrari race suit, it still made the butterflies flutter in his stomach. There is something about him in red, that makes him so sexy, that Charles is unable to look away.

But even with nothin' on

Bet I made you look (I made you look)

Well and with this, he indeed made everyone look. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), his whole body wasn't visible, only his shoulders and the top of his chest, but it was clear Carlos was shirtless. "Well, obviously," Charles scoffed internally at himself.

Carlos' tanned skin looked delicious and Charles wanted to run his hands over his shaved sculpted chest.

Yeah, I look good in my Versace dress (take it off)

Charles has never seen this trend on his for you page, but he was hooked. It was probably only because of Carlos, not the idea of it, but anyway. In this frame, Carlos had a dark blue sweater on with white shirt underneath. He looked stunning. He was still mouthing the lyrics, although with a little difficulty. All Charles could focus on was his plump bottom lip he wanted to bite so bad.

But I'm hotter when my morning hair's a mess

Plain white t-shirt was what Carlos had on. Charles could see him ruffle his hair to the words of the song and his brain malfunctioned in that exact second. His beautiful dark brown locks tousled in every direction and his veiny hand buried in them did it for Charles.

He was aware of his attraction for his teammate, but he was always collected, when it came to his little — or maybe not so little actually — crush. Although, he sometimes let the heart eyes or unnecessary touches slip, he was good. He was proud of himself for controlling himself and not blurting his every thought at Carlos.

But now? Charles was doomed.

Thank god he was alone, because if someone was with him right now, they for sure would get concerned for his well-being, hearing the same part of the song playing over and over again, while he was staring at the blank point on ceiling.

Charles shook his head and grabbed his phone back into his hands. He looked at the caption, something about Carlos' sister initiating it and so on. Upon opening the comment section, Charles was met with multiple comments from fan accounts and people literally thirsting over Carlos.

The Spaniard knows what he's doing.

With shaky fingers hovering over the screen, he typed a comment, his brain not really processing what he was doing.

Mate, we should have done this together. Could be more fun 😘

Just as he taps on the little red circle with white arrow, he regrets it. Charles' fingers freeze, hovering over the screen, his black and white profile picture staring mockingly at him.

The emoji is inappropriate. But Charles is known for putting weird emojis in his captions, right? No harm done.

No wait, he should delete it, PR won't be happy. And the tone is suggestive.

He must have been lost in his mind for couple moments, because as he looks back — the stupid song still playing — he sees multiple likes and replies under his comment.

Fuck.

[monstersinthecosmos]

I am sooo happy I sent that ask!! Your reply was everything I could have wished for and more. I didn’t know anything about the VC universe (I did see the movie adaptation as a kid, but all I could remember were the ~vibes), and now I might actually want to check out the books. I mean I can’t believe how much of it is canon LOL, traumatized kinky asexual vampires wtf? sign me up??? Which book(s) of the series would you recommend to me? :o

In the meantime, I will DEFINITELY be giving your VC fics a try, thank you so much for the pointers!!! I’m already weak just reading your reply, esp. that parallel of post-disaster Armand and Marius being kind of like an AU where Shiro *does* give up on Keith - that actually broke me. A lot of what I love about your fics is how you characterize Keith so realistically and in a way that’s meaningfully informed by his upbringing/subsequent abandonment issues and that’s a thrill to read because, well, it’s just good writing - but also because it makes so much sense, not just abstractly but in a very real and personal way. And while the ~relatability~ of it all makes for a super intense reading experience, it can also be weirdly and sometimes incredibly cathartic imo - which is one of the reasons why I think I keep revisiting your fics (sorry if tmi LOL 😭). But!! In the case of Sheith it more or less all works out in the end because, like you said, it’s such a wholesome ship and they love and prioritize each other so much that (as a reader) they’re kinda like a safe space, delectably complete with all the angst and hurt and fuckedupness of their circumstances/selves (you know, for flavor). However, thinking about a timeline where it does NOT all more or less work out, well that’s kinda super heartwrenching! But yummy? And I kinda can’t wait to get into it but I’m also genuinely scared for my heart LMAO. Anyway I’m sorry for rambling!!! With your permission I will definitely come back and scream about Sheith and vampires because I sorta already am lol.

Re: the teaser xmgdknfnrmsmgdk I can’t even gather enough brain cells to form coherent sentences, I’m just squealing and awaiting my resurrection I guess. Thank you sooo so so much! I got so excited I haven’t even been able to finish reading it 🫣😳😵😵😵

!!!!! Thank you again for such a thoughtful and delicious response! <3

Dgahskjdl g GOSH THANK YOU AGAIN

So this post got really long I’m so sorry asdghkads  TLDR: I recommend all of them but I also don’t LMAO and you can skip around and won’t be confused but it will spoil stuff. This is a LOADED QUESTION.

It’s wild like I was thinking about the fic i could stop dreaming and also just in general AGAIN IF WE CAN TALK ABOUT COMMON SHEITH TROPES/FANON like I’ve read many S8 fix-its where Keith is drifting around and he’s just like so cold and broken and empty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that’s how Armand feels to me! Even a fic like heart nailed open where Keith is just so fucking empty! Or SOURCE DECAY??????? Like I think there’s tons of Sheith AUs or S8 fics where Keith is like Depressed Guy Keith and !!!!!! God it fucks me up lol. Armand is kinda like if Depressed Guy Keith was also like a 500 year old fucking weirdo.

And like BECAUSE they’re vampires and they’re immortal they’re sort of always coming in and out of each other’s lives so like there’s always a hypothetical future where they can work it out. Like i could stop dreaming is about them working it out, right? And what it would take to heal that injury. And there’s a lot of stuff in canon where these characters commit absolute fucking atrocities to each other and still manage to work it out and I think it’s again just an exercise in empathy and asking if we can still deserve love when we’ve fucked up. The characters have CENTURIES to get over stuff (and some of them STILL DON’T LOL) but sometimes they do. Famously & without spoiling too much of IWTV, Armand does something pretty fucking atrocious to Louis and they still have a long relationship and still love each other very much!!!

But ON THE QUESTION OF WHICH BOOKS, jfc hold my beer

I think in Sheith you see people like almost universally dismiss S8; the only fics I ever see of it really are like just gratuitous whump or fix-its LOL which is valid. And VC has FIFTEEN FUCKING BOOKS and you could honestly ask ANY fan in VC which books “count” and which books are skippable and I think everyone has a different answer.

I also think you can read them out of order and there’s always a little bit of exposition to catch you up so you won’t be lost; the only downside is that you’ll get spoiled on the previous book. For example, if you jumped in and read Armand’s book first, it would make sense, but it would spoil what happened at the end of the book before it.

Also to get the movies & show out of the way because it’s faster than committing to fifteen books:

The 1994 movie is a pretty solid adaptation; you can tell they condensed some details for time or whatever but it’s pretty faithful. There’s also the show that came out last year which is …………….. not so faithful lol. The show also heavily focuses on Lestat & Louis which is the juggernaut ship of the fandom but they’re also like the missionary position of the fandom so who the fuck cares lol. (Loustat fans lurking in this extremely niche post I am so sorry, I'm kidding ilu LMAO it's just not my thing!) And tbh the show wrote Armand & Daniel’s characters SO POORLY it like absolutely killed any motivation I had to continue watching so as an Armand stan I can’t really recommend it but it’s kinda like silly and fun if you don’t take it too seriously. And tbh if this entire fact finding mission is to understand VC more, the show literally changes EVERYTHING; it changes the time period, it changes the lore, it changes the story, it changes the character ages, etc. Basically it just kept the names lol. It's a completely different canon so I think even show fics & book fics aren't compatible either.

There’s also a movie of Queen of the Damned from 2002 which is like SO BAD LMAO but also silly fun. It’s a really bad adaptation but I’d put it in between the movie and the show. Marius is in it and the characterization is really strange LMAO. Armand is an extra.

The thing about VC is that it’s very sort of like non-linear and nontraditional storytelling. Most of the books are narrated by Lestat but several of them are narrated by random other people, and a lot of times the same story is retold through other people’s POVs. Like you get the story about Marius & Armand in three different books and each version is a little different because everyone has a different perspective. And regarding reading out of order and having spoilers, I do think it often creates like a suspense vs surprise element because we circle back and revisit the same stories so many times; you might get a spoiler and read a book knowing that a certain thing is going to happen and there’s still the tension of waiting for it to happen haha. Like when I mentioned the cult raids Marius’s house—you learn about that in Book 2 so you read Armand’s book later going into detail about his life and you’re just SWEATING because you know it’s coming. AND THEN YOU READ ABOUT IT IN MARIUS'S BOOK AND YOU'RE JUST DEVASTATED ONCE MORE.

I will say that for me I always recommend just fucking read them lol. Just read all of them. LOL!! But they’re weird and like, you’re gonna hate some of them, but I don’t think you can take someone’s word for it on Tumblr, it must be experienced. But I do understand that it’s a lot of material to get through and so I can give a fair cheat guide I think.

Most fans agree that the first three books (“The Trilogy”!) are solid and worth reading. Those are Interview with the Vampire, The Vampire Lestat, and The Queen of the Damned. IWTV is like this gloomy gothic tome about Louis’s life that started this whole thing and was written as a conversation about grief because Anne Rice’s daughter had died. It absolutely reads like a book someone writes about their daughter dying and it’s REALLY beautiful but it’s also a bit dense at times. If you’re put off by the vibe IT GETS EASIER when Lestat shows up because he literally bursts into the series like Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way ready to like tell you how blonde he is and how he’s gonna fuck everyone’s lives up. The books are still very heavy on existential questions and angst and grief but the text gets a bit lighter and super absurd LOL.

The first three also establish the universe and lore, though, so I think it would give you a pretty solid foundation to understand that type of stuff.

After the trilogy the books just go off the rails like there’s a few about Lestat having stupid adventures and doing dumb shit, there’s a few that cross over with Anne Rice’s witch series (so add three more book so if you truly wanted to read all of them!), then Anne Rice went back to the church and stopped writing vampires so there’s a huge gap, and then she quit the church again and returned LMAO. There’s a final trilogy she wrote before she died that are like, not the heaviest reading and they’re just kinda like silly good times with lots of Easter eggs and fan service. I feel good about the final trilogy being how it ended, just really silly times about them trying to use iPhones and shit, completely wild.

As far as ARMAND CONTENT THOUGH.

Armand does feature heavily in the trilogy so that’s also a good Armand foundation. And it’s REALLY FUN because he shows up in IWTV as sort of a chill mentor to Louis, but then in TVL you get the story about how Lestat met him when he was still in the cult and he was a feral little monster!!! And I love the duality of how Lestat and Louis describe him!!! It’s framed as unreliable narration a lot of the time because like Lestat’s resentment & Louis’s respect for Armand absolutely color the way they describe him, but idk like 100 years go by in between the two meetings so you also see a lot of character growth and see how Armand is doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God. My heart.

Anne Rice also very often uses like texts inside texts so like, IWTV literally is an interview with a vampire where the bulk of the book is in quotes as dialogue LOL and then in other books you often meet a character who will talk for like 40 pages at a time to tell a story. So in TVL when Lestat meets Armand, Armand takes over for a chapter and tells the story of his life, and then later he meets Marius and Marius ALSO tells the story of his life.

QOTD is a modern story (modern in the 1980s when it was written haha) about how the whole vampire world has to deal with Lestat’s bullshit and they all come together for a common cause. This book features the little novelette about Armand & Daniel as one of the chapters!! It’s so good!! (The chapter is called The Devil's Minion and basically if you needed to understand Armand & Daniel you could just read that one chapter and that's basically it bc then it goes to shit!!! Not to spoil anything but also don't get your hopes up about like heaps and heaps of ship content because there isn't any lmfao fml)

It also features Marius and Armand reuniting with each other after 500 years!!!!!!!! HEARTBREAKING! It’s really good and very preposterous but the writing is so lush and takes itself so seriously you kinda forget that it’s preposterous.

Armand has a POV book later in the series, it’s called The Vampire Armand, it details his life as a human and some of his early years as a vampire with Marius. IT’S SORT OF LIKE A LONG EXTENDED VERSION OF HIS CHAPTER IN TVL.  

I do want to say that regarding the BDSM and whatnot that I mentioned; this book is quite controversial because there’s not good BDSM etiquette LOL and like part of the genius of this book is that it can be read as abuse, even when Armand isn’t setting out to tell you the story of how he was abused. I have a lot of thoughts about this because Anne Rice was also an erotica writer and her erotica books were all noncon BDSM; I WROTE ABOUT IT HERE I DON’T WANT TO GET INTO IT NOW but I think depending how people go into this book they either see the kink & sex stuff as explicit abuse OR you can read it as like, fantasy from a porn writer. As a Sheith fan I’m going to assume you’re not that sensitive lol. (But also por que no los dos, that's the flavor baby!)

Personally I think you could read this book as a standalone and like, it’ll be a little whacky without context, but I think I’ve given you a lot of context. It’s basically about his sad sad life, the religious trauma, and all the freaky sex he had. (Also just so you’re not disappointed, the sex isn’t graphic haha but he’ll be like “And then I went to the brothel and they licked honey off my nipples and I came home and Marius sucked my dick in the bathtub” but not like crazy sex scenes.)

Marius also has a POV book called Blood & Gold and it’s my favorite in the series!! IT’S MARIUS’S LONG EXTENDED VERSION OF HIS TVL CHAPTER. I think it’s the one that handles IMMORTALITY the best; the other books often focus on a short period of time or a specific incident and don’t often span someone’s ENTIRE life. IWTV spans Louis’s entire life but he’s only like 200 years old. Marius is 2,000!!!! He’s from the Roman Empire!! So like it’s really exciting to me to read about his whole life and all the eras he lived through!!!!!!!!!!!!

In his book you also get a few chapters about his time with Armand and it breaks my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There’s also a third secret option which is the book Pandora which isn’t part of the main series; VC is like actually 13 books and 2 side books? LOL So Pandora is one of the side books. But she was the first vampire that Marius made and they were lovers for like 200 years. This book to me feels like Anne Rice had a lot of leftover historical research and wanted to park it somewhere so a lot of the text is her talking about history stuff but there’s really great Marius content here and Marius/Pandora is one of my fav ships.

A lot of the fandom are more into the original trilogy and the Lestat/Louis content but I’m all about Marius so I’m into the DARK TRIAD of The Vampire Armand/Blood & Gold/Pandora. This to me is the more interesting section of the series but it’s an unpopular opinion so don’t take my word for it.

Other than that I’d also say Memnoch the Devil is my absolute least favorite VC, I think it’s so weird and boring lol but there’s some absolutely incredible Armand stuff in it and the stuff Armand does in this will be spoiled immediately if you check out Pandora or TVA. All in all it’s like idk 10 fucking pages of Armand LOL so if you got an ebook you could probably word search him. BUT YKNOW WHAT? Again don’t take someone’s word for it from Tumblr because like I find this book very weird and boring because it’s the most religious and I was raised atheist; there are people who were raised religious and say this one is their favorite. So what the fuck do I know!

Marius & Armand & Daniel are all in the final trilogy as well if you make it that far. Daniel is sort of always shuffled to the side because Anne Rice didn't care about him so like every time Daniel shows up I like feast on the breadcrumbs LOL but I'm glad to get some context about how he's doing and what's going on with his life.

ANYWYA I’M NOT SURE IF THIS ANSWERS THE QUESTION OR MAKES IT MORE CONFUSING LOL but ! ?!

They’re very weird books, they’re also kinda outdated and racist, but very queer, beautiful prose, incredible characters. They were my first hyperfixation that I can never seem to shake even when I’ve done all the work to dismantle all the ways they’re problematic and imperfect, it’s just yknow sometimes something gets its claws in you LOL. And I go out and explore other fandoms and still always come back to Marius and Armand and Daniel lol. I say that to say I wouldn’t be offended if you didn’t like them LOL but don’t judge me if you give it a shot and you’re like “what the fuck is this”

I just think Armand is like the most incredible character of all time okay!

SORRY FOR THIS VERY LONG REPLY LOL love you, patience yields focus!

[louisisalarrie]

what are your thoughts on ziam & shiall

Oh god I hope I don’t get any hate from this.

I believed in Ziam as well as Larry. Ziam was a massive pairing back in the day, and a huge amount of larries also believed in Ziam, with “captain Niall” and his boys (I love this photo with my whole heart)

Liam was always so gentle with Zayn. He really seemed to take care of him, and paid special attention to make sure he was okay. He was so rough with Louis (and Louis right back at him), but so sweet and soft whenever him and zayn were next to each other, almost to a point of how gentle Louis is with Harry. Larry were obviously wrapped up in each other, exploring and experimenting and falling in love. They often just… were in their own world. We all know that, I won’t go further into it, but Ziam seemed to have something special too, more than a friendship.

I mean, I believe they all looked out for each other, but Liam in particular… I dunno. The way he touched Zayn, gazed at him, made him feel secure and more confident when they all knew Zayn was struggling with anxiety, it just was so beautifully… Soft. I believe they definitely had something going on there.

Let’s put it this way… you’re traveling the world, insanely busy with touring, recording, stunts, promo…rarely a day off. Worked to the absolute bone. But you and your 4 band mates are all in this together, right? You all understand how you feel. You’re not isolated in this experience, and you can find comfort in that, knowing your band mates will be there to hold your hand and keep you strong. It’s a bond like no other.

NOW, while you’re doing all this, you’re obviously deprived romantically and sexually. You’re a teenager/in your early twenties, for gods sake. You might even still be a virgin. And all you want is affection, love, and to, idk, get your rocks off sometimes without your own hand. It’s only human. AND even if you did have a partner outside of the band, they’re not always with you. You’re too busy flying everywhere, and they can’t go everywhere with you, so you’re going months in between having sex and intimate affection, with someone who doesn’t understand your life. You’re stressed trying to keep up a second life outside of the band where you can spend more time with your partner and actually be present in that relationship. But… you just can’t do it. You’re on the road so much, and texts and calls only go so far.

BUT you’re around your 4 other band mates alllllll the time. Who all understand how frustrating it is, and so you obviously show affection to them and help when it gets too much. Hell, sometimes it’s too much for you, but you’ve always been a super caring and loving person and you’re protective of these guys, but in particular, the one who’s struggling the most. You have cuddles, spoon sometimes, and show them that affection that a partner would. However… You don’t really think it’ll get much further than that. You’re straight anyway. You’re sure of it, so you’ll just keep using your own hand whenever you can get a rare bit of privacy for 5 minutes. But it becomes harder to do that when you’re sharing rooms and living on a bus and also… two of your bandmates are in a committed relationship. You’ve been watching them from the start, they made it work, and they always have that affection and those scratches you can’t itch because they’re always together. They’re not leaving a partner behind, they’re consistently getting that itch you can’t scratch. They’re in love.

SO anyway, you also hear… questionable… sounds coming from their hotel room/bunk/dressing room/bloody broom closet all the time. They’re late to things together, looking exhausted and flushed and they’re releasing that stress in a way that you don’t have. They have that connection you’re missing. They feel whole. They protect each other. So… if they can do that, why can’t you? They make it work. Hell, a quick handjob from your bandmate isn’t gonna hurt anyone, and you can release some stress together, and no one needs to know. You can excuse it as pals helping each other out. You’re still straight, after all. It’s just a bit of fun. You won’t fall in love with them, and you’ll still be buddies.

So, you’re having a snuggle with said bandmate, and one thing leads to another (I believe Liam would’ve initiated, personally) and it just kinda happens. It starts off with a quick handjob, and then escalates over time. You spend more and more time doing these intimate things, and you just kinda fall for each other. But, you’ve seen what happens when your bandmates have been wayyyyy too obvious to the GP and fans, so you keep it a bit more quiet. You try to, anyway (poorly). Maybe this feeling of love will pass… except it doesn’t.

Said bandmate then leaves the band. It’s all too much. They need to remove themselves as farrrr as possible from the chaos, and all the anxiety, health issues, and trauma it’s caused them. But you are still in the band. You love that band. So things just kinda… stop. Your bandmate cuts off contact. So you just, stick it out. Maybe try getting an outside partner to fill that gap, and maybe it works. And maybe it doesn’t. You were just kids after all, and they’ll always hold a special place in your heart. And you’ll hope that later you can reconnect. And maybe you do. that connection is so special that even if you’re just friends, it’ll always be there.

Anyway, that’s the hypothetical scenario that I believe happened to Ziam. Ziam fans have been staaaarrrrvvvveedddd since 1d broke up. They have barely seen any connection between the two, unlike larry who continued to be in the spotlight and show us they were still in love. I don’t believe Larry ever broke up, but I believe ziam did. But I’ve seen all the stuff about the Cartier bracelets etc., which is interesting, but I don’t really believe in them being together these days. Who knows? They might prove me wrong. I loved Ziam, so I’m kinda in the middle of yes they are, and no they’re not. Idk. It’s a tricky one without years of back and forth like larry have been doing.

Okay, Shiall.

Let me just say that I’m a Niall girl through and through. I adore all the boys, and have done for 13 years, and I am obviously particularly big on Louis now too, but this doesn’t affect my stance on Shiall.

To be honest with you, I don’t reaaalllyyy know that much about Shiall and why it’s such a massive ship. If you’re happy to send me some evidence or something, I’ll definitely have a look, and I saw the recent video of them together, but yeah. Idk. It’s just… not very believable to me. I believe niall may have experimented a bit in the band like they all did due to my reasoning above, but I don’t really have much of an opinion on his sexuality. If he’s bi, that’s awesome. If he’s gay, great. If he’s straight, that’s cool too. But I do lean more towards him being into women, and not men. Wasn’t there a belief that he was in a committed het relationship for like 3 years of one direction? That was super private? I dunno… maybe I don’t believe it because deep down it is because I’m a Niall girl, but… yeah. I don’t think Shiall is real.

So, in conclusion, thanks for reading this insanely long post.

I believe Larry is real 100%, Ziam was real but I don’t really think it is anymore, and Shiall is not real.

[persephoneflouwers]

Angels fly, BUT ALL THE LINES ARE PSYCHOLOGICAL/PHILOSOPHICAL APPROACHES

If every star is an eye in the sky, You'll see angels fly

This curious post was born because the first time I listened to this song I remembered the anecdote a certain Plato tells in his books: Tales the philosopher used to fall on the ground because he spent so much time looking at the sky and studying it instead of watching where he was going. This was the beginning of the proverbial “having the head in the clouds” and worked to stereotype philosophers as the distracted clumsy always in their own world kinda people. It was only later at night that this super-weird post was written. I had fun ngl!

Nothing really matters, nothing really hurts

Moderate existential Nihilism, according to which life is without intrinsic value, meaning, or purpose. Kinda surprising coming from Louis (!!!) but that should say a lot about the album from the title straight to the last note of the last song. Ah! Louis, Louis.

We can't talk about it, It'll only make it worse. There's a time for saying who did what, Where it went wrong

Critique of practical reason: now you can believe it or not but the closure to this book is literally “two things fill my mind with ever increasing wonder and awe: the starry heaven above me and the moral law within me.” And only that is a reason to gasp! The mention of sky and stars AND what’s right and wrong in the same sentence? Wild! Anyway it’s a lot, but it’s quite fun to find these references. I guess Kant would be at least intrigued by the line “there’s time for saying where it we t wrong”… both the concept of time (read below) and the inevitability of making mistakes in humans agenda make this verse a splendid gem in my eyes.

I wanna hear all that, but right now All I need you to know is You'll be okay, we can talk tomorrow + One single word, it could wait till the morning

Apology of emotional procrastination: this is what I just made up because I own procrastination as a lifestyle. In a way, he’s trying to prioritise the moments and even though talking is actually a good way to learn and grow, it is also something he can postpone.

I'm on my way with some time to borrow + I'll knock on your door, it'll save me from calling

Authenticity of time: I could genuinely write en entire essay on the concept of Time in Louis’ songwriting and in Philosophy. They all wondered what time is, how we perceive it, what we can do with it. I could give you just a few names (Aristoteles, Eistein, Hegel, Nietzsche), but my favourite one will be Bergson. He talked about the interior time, non-dividable and non-ripeatable, stocked in our conscience, in which the various moments interpenetrate each other without interruption.

Look at the horizon, Just to make you feel small?

Subversion of metaphysical solipsism: big words, strong words even. But he’s basically saying the world is bigger than me (lol) and you’re not in this alone. You don’t exist on your own. It’s cool, but also sort of an impasse bc yeah world has bigger problems, but that doesn’t mean you can’t struggle for your own shit yk?

Put the pain in my heart till now, You don't need anymore

A simple Epicurean philosophy 🎶: aponia!! and ataraxia!! We going deep lol You don’t need the pain duh put it away now. He’s so cute tho to store the pain in his heart and make it easier for the other person, but it’s an interesting take as obvious as it sounds. You can’t the pain along with you if you want to heal. Easier to say than to be done.

[fallingforel]

Arabella pt.7- broken hearts and hospital beds

masterlist.

"fuck" I say out loud forgetting that Alex is beside me, which gets him asking me if everything is okay. "Not really, I leave for a few days and the lads bottle everything without me there, I need to go home Al, wiil you phone me a taxi to the airport I'll explain everything later to you"

"yeah okay, promise me you'll explain though"

"yeah, course could never think not too"

And so It's official I'm on my way home to sort out Matty's heart, not realising in order to do that, I'd have to sort mine out too.

⋆｡°✩

A/N sooo it's here part 7, I am so sorry for the hurt your about to witness I promise you It's not over yet we still have lots of ground to cover but this is just to get the ball rolling, I promise you. But this is one off the many angst chapters to come, Also the Sarah Jones apperance was not meant to happen. BUT! it happened on accident so It's here now and I can't think of any other names so enjoy

⋆｡°✩

do you ever question whether people need you or not? I do all the time and then it's times like these when G, MacDonald and hann hell even healy prove me right that I'm their rock they need me incase it gets too much and so that's how I found myself roaming wilmslow late at night, jetlagged so bad trying to find one of my bestfriends.

"Do you seriously not know where he is then? Has he just disappeared? Is there anything I can do?" Alex asked from the other end of the phone

"No I don't know where he is, he gets like this though, when G told him he was going to uni just as a backup incase the band didn't work out he ran away didn't speak to anyone for days, thought it was the end for our friendship group, thought he was going to have to work a 9 to 5, in the end he was just sat at the rec with a bag of coke a wine bottle and a zoot, he was in a really bad state, had to coax him home with a movie night of elephant Hann Ross and I had to take it in shifts to make sure he was okay, and Al there's seriously nothing you can do so stop worrying we're all scouring the place, G's here we know what to do. Don't we G?" I break the phone from My ear earning a snatch of the phone from George.

"Yeah mate honestly don't worry, we're all searching the place if anything he'll be at the rec, or at y/n's mum's she always manages to calm him down so honestly Alex don't worry us Wilmslow lot have got it" George starts speaking at a million miles an hour probably the rush from the worrying about Matty. Soon enough Alex puts down the phone after much coaxing from me telling him that he needs to get some sleep, due to the tour rehearsals he has to go to in a few days.

⋆｡°✩

"once again so sorry to drag you out here like this, but you know him better than anyone and we figured if anyone could sort it out it would be you, know you'd much rather be living it up in mexico right now with your new lover boy"

"G stop apologising none of this is your fault or Matty's either so don't you dare start having a go at him when we find him, because I know you'd do exactly the same if this happened to you, plus mexico wasn't that fun just a couple of drinks besides I missed you lot like hell while I was out there, wasn't the same"

"But I can't help but apologise, none of this would've happened if we kept a close eye on him, like always your the one left to pick up the pieces, who said I was going to have a go at him anyway, not right now not when he's just lost the one woman who was so special to him and his parents aswell, they were his rock louis too, maybe when he's recovered I might have a go but not right now. certainly not right now. And aren't you a sweetie."

Just as I was about to reply the ringtone of one of our phones went off, it was mine coming from a no caller Id picking it up just incase it had something to do with Matty.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this y/n l/n?"

"yes it is sorry who's calling may I ask what this is about?"

"yes it is. It's nurse jones from highmoore hospital calling about Matty Healy, he had you down as an emergency contact, failing the next of kin we couldn't get a hold of his Mother Denise?"

"Yes Hi is everything okay? we've been looking for hours now is he okay?" I ask while George is standing in front of me mouthing allsorts and making different handgestures trying to figure out whos on the other end, which I make a shoo gesture in return trying to figure out what the nurse has to say in reply to my previous sentence.

"Not particularly, It's a breach of privacy if I tell you over the phone are you possible to make it down here tonight, get in contact with His mother as well bring her down here two, we will also need you both to bring a form of Identification aswell, as there are some forms you need to fill out."

"I'll see what I can do, thank you for ringing me goodbye" I say putting down the phone.

Shortly after I'm met with a burst of questions from George, "who was that?" "was that about matty?" "Is he okay?"

"That was Highmoore hospital, Matty got admitted, apparently Denise didn't pick up, I think her phone must of died she did mention she was on low percentage earlier, so I was his backup emergency contact, I don't know what's happened they wouldn't discuss it over the phone so I have to go down there with denise bringing forms of Identity so they can explain what happened. Will you take me G? Matty had my car and I don't know what he's done with it if he's still got the keys. Also who was denise with in search parties, cos we need to go get her too."

"course I can take ya, I honestly don't know what he's done with your car either to be honest think he took it to his mums after dropping you off. And Den got put with your mum and dad, certainly not with tim considering recent events"

⋆｡°✩

"hi mum"

"hey babe did you find him is he okay"

"yes and no well I'm not too sure can you put denise on please"

"oh, I would but she went home to look after Louis, Tim took over and came out with me"

"Could you tell Tim to head back home please, we found Matty he's in Hospital, the nurses are asking after me and denise"

"course I can sweetheart, just try not to stress yeah and if you need a place to stay your always welcome back at home, you know your dad and I are here for you"

"yeah I'll try gonna head to den's now, see you later on love you so much thanks for the offer, I'll probably take you up on it dying for a bacon and egg sandwich made by you"

"Okay sweetheart, take it easy love you, and your dad says love you too"

"love you both speak soon."

⋆｡°✩

And within 5 minutes we're at denises house ringing the doorbell relentlessly, and not even 30 seconds later denise pops her head out the door, and the first thing she said to me was "Have you found him"

"Denise he's at the hospital, your needed to go with her and sign some forms" George says back

"Tim's not back yet, I can't just leave Louis here on his own, will that dickhead get back and fast I need to see my son."

"Look It's fine y/n can take my car she's insured on it, she can drive you both. I'll stay here with Louis till Tim comes back, they probably won't let me in anyway"

"okay."

⋆｡°✩

We're soon at the hospital I rush to park not caring about the fine that may be insued later for not paying the parking fee, but I couldn't care less about that right now. All I care about is getting to Matty to see if he's okay, I know he won't be but a part of me hopes that he will.

Denise and I rush in to the front desk of a&e

"excuse me excuse me please could you tell me what ward Matty Healy's in she's his mother and I'm his emergency contact we both have ID."

"umm slow down slow down, Unfortunately I can't im only a trainee nurse so I don't have access."

"OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! JUST MY FUCKING LUCK, WELL COULD YOU POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF SOMEONE WHO FUCKING KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE DOING" Denise shouts, clearly overwhelmed from all of the events in the past 24 hours

"Miss I understand that your upset but you need to calm down and lower your voice you're upsetting the other patients"

"FUCKING CALM DOWN? CALM DOWN? ARE YOU HEARING THIS Y/N? SHE DECIDES TO TELL ME TO CALM DOWN ? I JUST WANT TO SEE MY SON, I NEED TO MAKE SURE HE'S OKAY"

and right then and there she breaks down in my arms crying and sobbing. "oh Denise there it's okay I'm right here I'm not going anywhere okay" turning to the nurse I open my mouth "she's just going through a divorce and her mum died the other day, she's just upset she's not normally this rude, could you please point me in the direction of someone who would know please"

"yeah, sorry honestly I would but it's protocol, and I don't want to break it and lose my potential job, Sarah over there knows everyone and everything that comes in and out of this hospital, she should be able to tell you"

And so I sit denise down on one of the vacant chairs lining the entrance. "you gonna be okay I'm just gonna go over there to talk to that nurse about our Matty I won't be long" and she can't get a word out too stressed about the whole thing so she opts in for a wave of the hand instead.

"Excuse me" I tap her on the shoulder while she's looking at some documents. "Are you okay there? Are you waiting to be seen?" "umm I'm okay, I spoke to the nurse over there she said you could help with me finding My friend Matty Healy. I spoke with a nurse over the phone,I'm not too sure of the name. I'm with his mum over there she's too shaken up to speak so I have to do the speaking, I'm his emergency contact we've both got ID, the nurse on the phone said we had to bring it." "yes that was me on the phone I can take you both to the doctor and him if you want, I will need to see ID from you both though just to match it to his record" "yeah, of course I'll just go grab Denise and come to the front desk"

"sorted, come on Denise we're going to see Matty" "you go, if my boy has a load of wires attached to him I don't want to see it. Just tell me the damage he has done to himself, to get him here yeah" "okay, I'll tell you. Don't stay here though go get a coffee or something even a walk outside, you can even pay for my parking if you want, just don't sit here yeah don't get too in your head I'll be back with him before you know it, heres G's keys." I say to her fishing George's keys out my back pocket handing them to her before heading to the front desk and digging my ID out meeting with the Nurse again.

"Okay, looks all good, where's his mum? Does she not want to go?" "No. Said she wouldn't be able to deal with it if he was attached to a load of wires on a bed, sent me to see damage instead" "It's okay we get it alot loads of families come in and it's usually the mum's who can't bare to see what's happened when it could just be a bump on the head which we need to keep an eye out for a concussion, or a broken ankle, but I get it though, if I got a call about one of my boys I'd be in bits I'd send my sister in to see the damages"

"yeah it is understandable I suppose, I'm sorry to be rude but is it alright if I actually see the doctor now" "Yeah of course I'm sorry I'm being a blabber mouth again I'll take you to see Dr. Inverness now, he'll be able to tell you more" and so the walk is quick turning a couple of hallways until we reach the opiod overdose ward. "fuck, matty what have you done" I let out, I thought I had said it in my head, but I hadn't because Sarah speaks up from beside me "don't worry this isn't where he is, he's in the orthopedic trauma ward, this is just where Dr Inverness' office is because this is his main speciality" I let out a breath that I didn't realise I had been holding.

We eventually reach Dr Inverness' office, and Sarah knocks on the door, earning a "come in" from the otherside of the door.

"Ah Nurse Jones, this is a bit of a way to come, aren't you needed in A&E? what brings you to the opioid ward?" "Just have Matty Healy's emergency contact with me, she wants to know what's going on" she says then turns to me "I've got to go, too many trainee nurses and not enough fully qualified nurses in A&E, you're in safe hands with Dr Inverness he'll talk you through everything that has happened with Matty, even take you to him" "thank you so much for your service, hope Denise didn't scare your trainee nurse too much, she can get a bit much sometime" "Honestly no bother, and no don't worry I saw her keep her cool and not cry she's a tough cookie it's gonna take a lot more than a mental breakdown from a mother of a patient to break that one, take care" "and you" she leaves after that.

⋆｡°✩

"so what's wrong with Matty?" "he suffered blunt force trauma to the head after consuming too much Alcohol, resulting in alcohol poisoning, we've had to stomach pump him already, we couldn't leave it, it would've been too late until someone showed up and he could've died. We don't know how long he was there for a member of the public found him on the floor with blood surrounding his head."

"Understandable, I'm sure his mum would say the same. There's something else isn't there?"

"yes, when we did testing when he arrived we found quite an amount of opioids in his system 30mg of erythroxylon 4mg of THC 0.5 g of oxycodone 50 mg of methamphetamine"

"what are you trying to say?"

"we need an approval to send Matty off to rehab to get clean, he's not awake yet, we've had to put him in a medically induced coma, If not he would've done it himself with the amount of drugs he had taken"

"look, I can't make a decision right now, I can't do it by myself, am I okay to go and see him?"

"of course, I'll take you, but I will need an answer by the time he wakes up?"

"were hoping to take him out of his coma, in 2 weeks, And then he should wake up a few days after that it takes a couple of days to fall out of the comatose state he's in right now, although I should warn you he might never fall out. He's right through here talk to him he can still hear you, we encourage everyone to talk to these patients, It can sometimes speed up the awake process"

⋆｡°✩

It hurts seeing him the way he is all battered up and bruised, he probably fell from the height of one of the ramps at the skate park. I go and sit next to him grabbing his hand over the many wires that were in the way, It was clear Matty was on high alert. And it hurt like hell.

"oh Matty what am I going to do, why were you so stupid, if you had just waited for me to get back I was on my way home, why couldn't you have just waited? It would've been so much easier on everyone. eh? What are you like? You know I never thought THE Matty Healy would've had to get his stomach pumped THE Matty Healy who could down 17 tequila shots one after the other before being sick and going back at it again. And now look at you, you had to get your stomach pumped after probably downing a bottle of red, that has always been our depressed drink. Alex asked after you, you know wanted to check you were alright. Please Stink pull through I know you can, I love you so much darling, so so much, please pull through, I don't know what I'd do without you, If not for me do it for Louis, for George, For Ross, For Adam, For your Mum, For your dad, for everyone around you, For yourself. Please Please please for your bug" and that was it before I saw my never ending tears wetting his sheets and his hand.