#ANYWAY this makes my heart hurt for louis so much

[platoapproved]

Well, you don't talk about your mother very much.

insp (x)

[avatar-anna]

Hiiii i thought of your young parents series today while scrolling through tik tok. An old clip came up from when Nickelodeon pranked them with that lady going into labor and Harry is like the most calm and attentive in it. Anyway I was like “ahhh and he would be if he had like a baby or was expecting one!” Also wanted to mention I love that series so much and often reread my favorite ones.

Young Dad! Harry Styles x Young Mom! Reader

bro this takes me baaaack😭

this prank definitely hits home for young dadrry, and zayn and louis definitely know that when they decide to pull the prank on the rest of the boys. poor baby h is just like wtf and grumpy afterwards. y/n just finds it hilarious:

"It's not funny."

Y/n, who held little Simone in her arms in their hotel room, tried not to laugh at her boyfriend, who was clearly annoyed at his friends' antics. "I'm not laughing at you, I promise. It's just—"

"What?"

"Did you really do the breathing exercises with her?"

Harry huffed and rolled his eyes, and this time Y/n did laugh.

It wasn't often that Harry got all pouty like this, and when he did, Y/n found it adorable. When she heard about the prank Louis and Zayn pulled, she wasn't surprised by the role Harry played in all of it. Of course he jumped into action when he thought a woman was going to labor. And of course he'd do everything he could to make the woman comfortable. Harry and Y/n had had a couple false labors before she eventually gave birth, and he was the one to help her breathe through her contractions and held her when every sitting position was uncomfortable.

"H, come here and hold your daughter. It'll make you feel better," Y/n said when her laughter subsided. Simone, who was playing with a strand of Y/n's hair, blinked at her parents innocently.

Harry, who could never resist holding Simone, softened a bit and stepped closer. The baby instinctively held out her little arms toward him, which melted any remaining embarrassment from his day. "Hi, baby," he cooed, nuzzling his nose against her cheek. "Missed you today. What did you and Mummy get up to while I was gone?"

"Well, we went for a walk on the beach, then we did a little shopping had some lunch at a cute little cafe, then we had to come back to the hotel because someone decided to spill their food all over themselves, and it was not me."

"Messy girl," Harry said, kissing his baby's cheek. "But thanks to you, I was ready to assist a woman in labor at a moment's notice, prank or not. Some might even say I was heroic."

Y/n rolled her eyes while Harry wasn't looking. "Yeah? And what does that make me for actually going into labor?"

"Babe, I was literally prepared to deliver a baby today."

"You almost fainted in the delivery room when I had Simone!"

"I've...matured since then," Harry said, a blush creeping up his cheeks.

That was a story Harry would take to his grave. The boys would give him hell if they found out, not that they would fare much better. He never actually passed out, but he did have to sit down at some point during the delivery. Let's just say it was something he would never forget.

For many reasons.

"Whatever you say, lover," Y/n mused, patting his cheek before heading into the bathroom for a shower.

"It did take me back," Harry said quietly a few hours later. Simone was asleep on his chest, and he didn't have the heart to move her into her crib. He was technically supposed to be in his own room soon, but he would sneak back in tomorrow morning before anyone from management noticed, and the boys would cover for him if they did.

Y/n, who laid beside him on the small hotel bed, brushed his hair away from his face. "I bet. Can you believe it's only been a few months?"

"It's already been a few months," Harry corrected, his hand soothing over Simone's back. There was a time when his hand covered her entire back; she was so small, and Harry was scared he might hurt her because of how delicate she was. And now it felt like she was growing too fast. He and Y/n could barely keep up with her as she grew out of her infant clothes. "Soon she'll be sitting up and crawling, then walking and talking, then going to college and getting into trouble."

"I think you missed a couple steps there," Y/n mused. "But yeah, I know what you mean."

"I'm scared I'm gonna miss all of it. Today reminded me that I wasn't even there to take you to the hospital when you went into labor. My mum had to drive you."

"But you were there when she was born, H," she reminded him. "You held my hand, you didn't complain when I squeezed it too tight. You got to cut the umbilical chord. And you'll be there for all the other milestones too. You're here. I gave you a choice a long time ago, and you chose us. Don't forget that."

"I suppose," Harry relented. He turned his head to the side to look at Y/n, careful not to move too much in case he woke up Simone. "I love you."

Y/n kissed him, cuddling into his side when she pulled away. "I love you too. Now, if you're up for it, I've thought of some ways to get back at Louis and Zayn."

Harry grinned. "I'm all ears."

[twopoppies]

hey love, i hope this arrives in one piece and nothing is cut off, as i am not sure anymore how much i can write in a tumblr ask. just to be sure, my message ends with a ":)"

i'm a larrie since 2013, but went on a work-related tumblr break in 2018 (i work in the music industry). i returned to tumblr last week, amidst deep shared grief 💔 to find solace in community. as i tried to cheer myself up by going through my favorite blogs (like yours, it's so wonderful) and trying to catch up -especially about Harry&Louis things that i missed in the last years-, i found the posts really feel like little nuggets of joy and i'm so grateful for that. so i decided i finally want to add to it, now that my industry commitments have downsized significantly. i haven't shared this in almost a decade (never online anyway) and it's not big news or anything, but whenever i remember it, it just makes my heart glow. so, one of my closest work-friends in the industry back in the days (and i'll use neutral pronouns to protect them) did two tours with them in 🦘 in 2013 and 2015. our shared work ethics and also contracts obviously forbade us both from sharing almost all of what was seen or heard (concerning the artists' personal business), but my friend knew i firmly believed Harry and Louis to be together, just closeted (and we both knew this sadly was very common in music or the film industry; meaning mgmt iron-closeting non-straight male artists was completely and automatically still considered The Norm back then, especially with male artists doing these kinds of numbers and having that large of a young fanbase). i never indulged in my reasons or theories, because i felt like i had a professional reputation to uphold and also with me being queer and in the closet as well, it felt too personal to discuss, back then. during the first tour in 2013, we didn't text much, they just said the band was all very friendly and crew was professional, they seemed "like family". the schedule was "brutal". and security constantly needed to be "tightened", due to invasive people trying to steal or replicate tour passes. i didn't ask my friend about Harry and Louis specifically --but admittedly we also weren't that close of friends at that point. during the second tour in 2015, we were though, and only a few days in, they out of the blue texted something that made me smile so wide, i honestly think my cheeks are hurting to this day. :D i quote: "hey so those two louis and h. can't tell you more but you weren't wrong!!!" i replied with ":DDDDDDD" (honestly felt like sending a million heart emojis instead) and about an hour later they sent "every here knows too!!!" and a correction: "everyone" and to this day, almost 10 years later, I keep these imessages saved, because it made me so happy. and i hope that sharing my time-capsuled precious memory will make someone else happy, too. their love is truly something so special. oh, and one of the two was really unlucky at the pokies (slot machines) and quite a sore loser, haha. I always guessed it was Louis, but I don't know. :)

🥹 Oh, we really needed some happiness around here. Bless you for sharing this.

Also, I tend to agree with you that it was Louis on the slot machines. LMAO!

[themultifandomgal]

From 2010- Tour Break

2013

Part 32

20th August

“Harry will you just talk to me?” I ask stood in our kitchen. I came home 4 days ago and Harry has barley said a word to me. He’s facing away from me hovering over the sink “Harry!” I shout at him feeling irritated that’s he’s ignoring me. I see his back muscles tense before turning around

“What is there to talk about?” Harry brushes past me and walks into the living room

“Maybe the reason your upset with me?”

“I’m fine”

“No your not. Your pissed at me and I don’t know why. Even the fans noticed during our concert. So tell me. Why are you angry with me? What have I done?” I sadly say feeling really confused

“Nothing” he sighs “you’ve not done anything, but I just can’t watch you and him together. He’s not right for you”

“Him? You mean Liam” i scoff crossing my arms over my chest “ and how would you know that he’s not right for me?”

“Because I know you YN. At this point I probably know you better than you know yourself!” Harry storms over to me. I drop my arms and take a deep breath. I can smell his aftershave on his skin “because I can’t see you get hurt” he softly says now standing in front of me “I’m scared that when he breaks your heart you’ll spiral”

“I love that you care for me H but this isn’t your life, it’s mine”

“I know” he sighs looking into my eyes. His right hand then cups my cheek “I just… i…” he sighs then starts leaning in, he looks like he’s about to kiss me, but I pull away making a little bit of space between us “sorry”

“We can’t. Taylor and Liam”

“Taylor’s was just a publicity stunt. You know that and anyway we ‘split up’ at the beginning of the year”

“What about Kendal? You’ve been seeing her recently”

“She’s another publicity stunt YN I promise you”

“She may be, but Liam isn’t. Even if I were to say let’s give us a go the media would catch on then you’d be a cheat and I’d be a home wrecker. I’m sorry Harry, you’ve made it clear that you don’t like him, but I do and I really want to make it work between Liam and I”

“I’m sorry” he lowers his head before pulling me into a hug “I’ll always be here for you, you know that?”

“I know. Thank you” we stand there hugging one another, swaying side to side. I feel conflicted, being here in Harry’s arms I feel at ease, safe, like this is home, but with Liam I get the butterflies in my stomach. He makes me nervous. Breaking the silence Harry and I hear Louis shouting from upstairs

“Finally! you’ve made up”

“We were never fighting” Harry replies to Louis walking down the stairs

“It bloody felt like you were. Hated seeing you two barley even say one word to each other. Even poor Cookie could tell something was up”

“Speaking of Cookie I better take her for a walk”

“I’ll come with you” Louis quickly says making me frown

“You wanna come walk Cookie with me?” Louis never comes to walk Cookie with me

“Yes”

“Ok then” I reply taking Cookies lead and harness making her go crazy

“Wanna order Chinese tonight?” Harry asks

“Sure” I give him a smile, get Cookie ready and leave the house with Louis.

We walk in silence until I finally say

“You gonna tell me the real reason why you wanted to join me on a walk?”

“You gonna tell me why you dodged Harry’s kiss” I stop dead in my tracks. I can feel all the colour drain from my face

“You… you saw…”

“Come on YN it’s been obvious from day one that you’ve both had feelings for each other”

“I don’t know what your talking about” I start walking quickly again

“I know what your doing” Louis jogs up to catch up to me

“And what might that be”

“You started dating Liam because you know if he breaks up with you it won’t hurt as much as it would if it was Harry, but I can tell you know he’s crazy about you”

“That’s not, no thats, your wrong” I stutter feeling all kinds of mixed emotions

“Are you sure about that? Just like Harry knows you, so do I. I know you little ways and you have feelings for Harry”

“We can’t” I softly say “there’s to many factors at play. 1 the band 2 Liam 3 Taylor”

“Wrong time, right person. You’ll see” Louis says putting an arm around my shoulders, giving me a little squeeze. Once again we walk in silence. Leaving me to think.

17th September

I arrive in Melbourne Australia. Liam invited me here since 1 he wants me to meet his parents and 2 it’s like a mini holiday before I have to travel to Adelaide ready to restart tour again. Do I feel like Liam and I are moving a bit quick? Sure, but at the same time if I don’t meet them now who knows when I’ll next be in Australia.

“Don’t stress they will love you” Liam says taking my hand at the airport

“Liam cameras” I say looking around and instantly seeing paparazzi

“They’re going to figure out about us sooner or later”

“I know but Liam we’ve only been dating officially for a month. You and Miley only broke up like 3 months ago.

“Everything’s fine” giving in since I know there’s no point in arguing and follow Liams lead and we walk passed security then into a car that’s waiting for us outside.

[myheartissetinmotion]

just finished s2e2 and. wow (theatre kid musings below the cut)

the scene where louis and claudia watch their first of the coven’s plays is possibly the single scariest thing i’ve ever watched. to hunt for food is one thing, to hunt for food but have fun with it bc you’re a vampire is another, but to make the killing so theatrical and humiliating and needlessly, calculatedly, flippantly cruel is something else entirely. the audience as a reflection of humanity itself gets called tf out for being complicit (oddly, or brilliantly, by the one committing the violence himself). it was surprising to see that claudia had apparently become so disconnected from humanity that she had the same expression as i’ve had at a thousand theaters. she even clocked that the reason louis was upset was his empathy for the woman who was killed, but didn’t have that herself-it had been very well established before that she has no qualms in killing, but again, this just feels different. the plastered smiles on the vampires’ faces, the way her body drops through the trap door, forgotten, as the audience wildly cheers. it’s deeply pit-in-your-stomach horrifying. then there’s the idea that louis has that moral twang against what the coven is doing and still kinda falls for armand (honestly can’t blame him though). and then there’s the tragic knowledge that a similar violence to what claudia is cheering for will happen to *her* in just a few episodes. everything that she said to louis about the experience giving her true pride is sticking with me, it’ll all be something i’ll be parsing through for a while

also interesting to me specifically is the emphasis on claudia finding a family (for now) in the coven. in many ways, i’ve related to her as a character, including the desperate hope to be *part of something*, and this partly-run-down backstage filled with colorful characters and their french-accented drawling theatrics, with the smell of makeup and lust and paint in the air, inside jokes and going out after shows, old flickering lightbulbs arranged in patterns both fancy and haphazard-it’s an image i would viscerally long for as much as her, but this one carries an undertone even more sinister than typical vampire stuff. my mind has always considered theatre camaraderie to be somewhat sacred, and to see that blown apart through what’s quickly become one of my favorite pieces of media ever is going to be Something.

although, perhaps a few of my own theatre experiences aren’t at all dissimilar to this, the ‘in crowd’ believing they’re beautifully following their art as they look away from the bodies being dragged across the floor.

anyway, this show is very smart and extraordinarily well-done and makes my chest hurt and my head swim and my heart ebb along with the score. (also sam reid’s line delivery holy motherforking shirtballs. also more goddamn masterful dubai scenes. also the gershwin nods in this ep; ily daniel hart. also assad’s remarkable ability to pour so much expression into CONTACT LENSES HOW DOES HE DO IT. also also also)

[nightcolorz]

i don’t think i’ll ever be done talking about armand songs but for now i only have one left that i need to talk about and that is how much of a loumand song “Starring Role” by Marina is

like first of all “You’re hard to hug, tough to talk to, and I never fall asleep, when you’re in my bed, all you give me is a heartbeat” is so very Dubai loumand and in particular the scene of them alone in their bedroom and how detached it felt, the chaste kiss, Armand’s longing, pleading looks. He’s getting nothing from this.

Then, “I’ve turned into a statue, and it makes me feel depressed, cause the only time you open up in when we get undressed” is both very Armand-as-Rashid with the feeling that he is less of a person and more a servant in the eyes of both Louis and Daniel, and is upset by it. The getting undressed part is interesting because it’s both carrying on from this servant act, fitting in regards to Daniel’s “rent boy” comment, he’s not really a person unless he’s having sex with someone (which oh my god just SO Armand) but ALSO his relationship with Louis outside of the Rashid act- he doesn’t feel like their relationship is anything more than a sexual relationship anyway.

Leading into “You don’t love me, big fucking deal, I’ll never tell you how I feel, You don’t love me, Not a big deal, I’ll never tell you how I feel” Louis doesn’t love him. Not since before the trial at least, its all for spite. He wants Lestat, Armand knows this, and knows he’s only with him for misplaced spite. (“It almost feels like a joke to play a part, when you are not the starring role in someone else’s heart”) But I feel like Armand staying is proof that he does love Louis, even in a twisted way. He can accept it being unreciprocated as long as he has safety and security, even if he’s miserable and will never tell Louis how he feels.

The lines “You know I’d rather walk alone, than play a supporting role, if I can’t get the starring role” I think are an oddly brilliant summary of why Armand chooses to betray Louis in Paris even if it means his death. Armand’s insecurities mean he would rather be alone and self-sabotage than be with someone that he loves that he knows would sideline him for the ghost of his ex (who is also HIS ex)

“Sometimes I ignore you, So I feel in control, Cause really I adore you and I can’t leave you alone” is very reminiscent of Armand’s emotional abuse of Louis to get what he wants (again stemming from a deep insecurity and desperation to not be alone) He can’t be without Louis, so he makes him dependant on him in several ways, then emotionally withdraws for the control it brings.

“You’re like my dad, you’d get on well, I send my best regards from Hell” is a final nail in the coffin, Armand projecting his relationship with Marius onto Louis due to his need to be in that dynamic because its all he knows and recognises as love, even if its self-destructive. Louis goes along with it far too easily, which I think triggers Armand a lot more than he consciously realises. This behaviour is deeply hurting him but he can’t realise or understand why, but has a resentment for Louis come with it even if he loves him and wants him to do it. The mention of Hell is interesting as well, with the connotations. Armand putting himself in Hell as if he was a demon, even though his “father” always called him and angel, heavenly.

“I never sang for love, I never had a heart to mend, Because before the start began, I always saw the end, Yeah, I wait for you to open up, to give yourself to me, But nothing's ever gonna give, I'll never set you free, Yeah, I'll never set you free” This entire bridge just sums up their dynamic terribly well I fear. Armand’s eternal brokenhearted-ness, his “half blank half apocalyptic” looks, doomed from the start, wishing for Louis to be the one to be with him and save him, though not letting him go even if he knows those goals are unachievable.

Marina Lambrini Diamandis somehow you wrote the PERFECT loumand song in 2012 Godbless.

WOOOOOOOOWWW THIS IS PERFECT OMG!!!! This made me stim lol, I love Mariana sm and this is amazing analysis, AHHH YESSSS!!!! Adding to my Armand playlist ASAP. The youd get on well with my dad lyrics goes CRAZY in this context ur mind is incredible.

(Since we r on the subject lol hermit the frog by Mariana is very Amadeo era Armand to me hehe)

[28mindgames]

What were the highlights of the show last night for you?

Hope you had the best night 🩷

for context: it was one of the worst weeks of my entire life because on wednesday my grandfather had a heart attack and i had to travel urgently to my hometown and then to another city where he was in intensive care. so when i got the call in my mind the posibility of going to the show was cancelled and obviously that make me very sad but at the same time i felt guilty for wanting to go. however, my family insisted that i had to go but i waited until the last visit on friday to decide because i'm an only daughter, i'm his only granddaughter and my family consists of him, my uncle and my mother so it's not easy and he's my whole life but that same night i returned to rosario and very early on saturday i was able to travel to buenos aires, i arrived there around noon. the line was soo long but there was a beautiful autumn sun.

i met 5 other girls and i was really surprised not to see or talk to anyone underage, we entered at 5:30 in the afternoon and i unbuttoned my jeans and sat in the pit to eat an alfajor (jajsjs). the chaos begun with pacífica and continued with giant rooks (INCREDIBLE!!!). before the show started i was on the verge of losing a shoe and even though it was hot from so many people, i had 4 layers of clothes and felt very cold. at this point my throat hurt A LOT

i realized that liam was in the vip but in the part where i was (next to the catwalk) no one made much of a fuss and liam's "newness" lasted at most 40 seconds, which is why i'm surprised to see so much talk about him online when in my experience it meant nothing and the people around me said "uh it's liam, that's great" and after 2 minutes they were already focused on louis coming out on stage (no olé olé olé liam in my area)

about the show: i don't know if i have the words to describe it but it made me feel so much HAPPINESS, i think about it and smile at the screen, louis was beautiful (that color is great for him and i loved the outfit !!!) the feeling of the music in your chest in a live show is incomparable and the introduction of the greatest 10/10, there were things that surprised me like songs that i didn't think the audience would sing that louder as coacoac or face the music. megamix live is a religious experience, my eyes filled with tears during we made it (how good it sounds!!! god was it possible to beat ltwt? yes). the band? excellent, louis' voice? sweet and clear

my phone doesn't take nice photos at night and the videos are dubious and never do it justice, so for me it was great to focus on enjoying the show and not so much on recording every second or trying to get the best photo. i wish i could name one song in particular but i enjoyed them all, of the 1d covers, i felt more energy and it was louder wtbhg and i'm not going to lie i enjoyed it a lot (fun fact: that song was recorded in buenos aires during wwat - yes! overwork! yasss!)

the ooms fp was AMAZING AAAAAAAA !!!!!! AAAAA !!! !!!! SO MUCH FUN. i have watched the video that inspired it millions of times (rolling stones in buenos aires 2006 - around 5:30) dreaming of living something like that and it was better: there was pogo, energy and argentinidad. the saturdays fp made me cry. A LOT. you could feel the adoration and love of the public for him and every time louis spoke it felt special <3

after ooms i went behind the front pit to have a more panoramic view and i saw how chris (i had him next to me because he started taking photos during wtbhg and i 👀 🤔👽🚶‍♂️) and matt were toasting with the technical team. silver tongues is the perfect ending for the show and the fireworks were like the cherry in top of a cake aaaaand that's when it really hit me HOW COLD IT WAS (6°) and i wished for the next tour happens in spring when buenos aires is completely purple with the jacarandás and it's my birthday, the funny part is that now it's not even winter here. anyways I LOVED EVERY SECOND AND I ENJOYED IT SO MUCH <3 i love louis with my whole heart I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT NIGHT ♥️🇦🇷

[niallerspayno]

Between the Lines - Chapter Ten

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

…

You can’t shake the nagging feeling in your chest. Niall hasn’t been the same since breakfast, and every moment since then has only made it more clear that something’s wrong. You try to focus on your own thoughts—on the chaos of the tour, on your unresolved feelings—but all you can think about is him.

You decide to check on him.

The food in your hand is a small peace offering, an attempt to break the silence between you two. You knock softly at his door, unsure of what kind of reception you’ll get, but knowing you need to try.

When he answers, his face is softer than you expected. He’s been keeping to himself, but there’s a vulnerability in his eyes that makes your heart ache. His usual calm demeanor is cracked, and all you want to do is pull him close, ease the hurt you know he’s feeling.

“You okay?” you ask, your voice low, hesitant.

He glances at the food in your hands but doesn’t say anything at first. You step inside anyway, the door closing quietly behind you. His room feels even more lonely than usual, the space empty except for the sounds of his quiet sighs.

“I brought you some food,” you offer, setting it down on the desk, though it feels like nothing compared to what you really want to give him.

He nods, but it’s clear he’s still distant. You stand there for a moment, unsure of how to bridge the gap between you. Then, slowly, he sinks onto the edge of his bed, his hands clasped together tightly.

You take a deep breath and sit next to him, offering the space he needs but remaining close enough to reach out if he wants to talk.

“I’m sorry for yesterday,” he says finally, his voice barely above a whisper. “I just… I care about you so much. When I saw you hurt… it just—it’s hard. You’re always the strong one. The one who doesn’t let anything break her. And then to see you like that, I… I couldn’t handle it.”

His voice cracks on the last part, and your heart tightens at the sight of him, so raw and exposed. The Niall you’ve known—the one who’s always been full of energy, the one who makes you laugh even when you don’t feel like it—seems so small right now, and you just want to make it better.

You reach out, your hand gently brushing his cheek. He leans into your touch, eyes closing briefly as if savoring the comfort.

“It’s not your fault,” you say softly. “Louis didn’t mean for anything to happen. It was just a stupid accident. You know I’m fine, right?” You try to keep your voice steady, but the weight of everything lingers in the room, heavy between the two of you.

His eyes flutter open, and you see the tears in them now, the frustration, the love, and the hurt all mixing together. He reaches up, wiping at his face, but a few tears slip through anyway.

“I just… I want you to be happy,” he says, his voice breaking again. “I want you to be safe. And I want to be the one to protect you.” He looks at you now, really looks at you, his gaze searching. “I don’t want to lose you, not like this.”

The lump in your throat is hard to swallow, but you push it down, the words you’ve been holding back finally breaking free. “Niall,” you whisper, “I haven’t made a decision yet, okay? I don’t know what’s going to happen between us, but I know I want you in my life. Always.”

You reach out, cupping his face gently, your thumb brushing over the wetness of his tears. It’s like you can feel the weight of his heart in your hands, so full of emotion, so afraid of the unknown.

You don’t want him to hurt. You don’t want to cause him pain. You lean forward, pressing a soft kiss to his temple, then to his cheek, where the last remnants of tears linger. The simple gesture feels like a promise, a hope that you can fix things.

He tilts his head, his lips brushing against yours in a slow, searching kiss. It’s soft at first, tentative, but then it deepens—his hand on your back pulling you closer, as if he can’t get enough of you. The kiss is full of everything that’s been unsaid between you two—the hurt, the longing, the fear of losing each other.

When you finally pull away, your breath coming quick, you look into his eyes, both of you breathless.

“I don’t know what this is, Niall,” you say softly, your voice barely more than a whisper. “But I do know I want you. I want you in my life, whether it’s just as my best friend… or something more. But I’m not ready to make a choice just yet. Please understand.”

He doesn’t say anything at first, just brushes his lips against yours again in a lingering kiss, full of heat and need, like he’s been holding back for so long.

“I understand,” he murmurs against your lips, his voice thick with emotion. “I just… I just want to be there for you. In whatever way I can.”

The kiss deepens again, this time more urgent, more passionate. It’s as if every unspoken word, every shared memory between you two is woven into this kiss. There’s a hunger in it, a need to be close, to bridge the gap that’s formed over the past few days. You press against him, your body instinctively responding to his touch, to the warmth of his hands on your skin.

You pull away slowly, both of you breathless, the air thick with unspoken words and emotions. The room feels charged, but in a way that’s comfortable—like everything has just fallen into place. Niall’s forehead rests against yours, and you both take a few quiet moments to just breathe together, letting the tension ease away.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs again, his hands running gently over your back, as if trying to hold you in place, like he never wants to let you go. “I just… I don’t know what to do without you.”

You smile softly, rubbing his back reassuringly. “You don’t have to do anything, Niall. Just… be here, with me. That’s enough for now.”

He nods, closing his eyes for a moment, as though the weight of everything has finally started to lift from his shoulders. Then, with a small, reluctant smile, he pulls away just enough to meet your gaze. “You’re a mess, you know that?”

You laugh softly, the sound easy and familiar, and for the first time today, you feel a sense of normalcy return. “I know,” you admit with a grin. “But at least I’m your mess, right?”

“Always,” he says, and the fondness in his voice is enough to make your heart flutter a little.

There’s a comfortable silence between you as you both sit there, simply existing in the same space. Niall picks up the food you brought, unwrapping it, though neither of you are really hungry. You can feel the heaviness of the conversation still lingering, but for now, you’re content to let things settle.

And then, after a few minutes, Niall says quietly, “I know you’re not ready to make any decisions yet. But… whatever happens, I just want you to know that I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. Always.”

Your chest tightens, and you lean forward to kiss his cheek gently, your lips lingering there for a moment before you pull back. “I’m not ready, Niall,” you whisper. “But I want you in my life. However it works out.”

And in that moment, everything feels a little clearer. You don’t have to rush anything. You don’t need to make any grand decisions just yet. For now, all you can do is be here for each other, and that’s enough.

Niall smiles, his usual warmth returning. “Good,” he says, giving you a playful nudge. “Because I’m not going anywhere, even if I have to wait forever.”

You smile back at him, feeling like maybe—just maybe—you’re closer to figuring it all out.

…

The end of the tour is in sight.

It’s hard to believe how quickly the months have passed. The endless rehearsals, the chaotic pranks, the late-night talks on the tour bus — all of it feels like a whirlwind that you’ve barely had time to process. But now, as the band prepares for their final concert, there’s a stillness that seems to hang in the air, despite the noise and excitement around you.

Your ankle has finally healed, and though you’re still a bit wary of overdoing it, the constant fussing from the band is a distant memory. Niall had practically wrapped you in bubble wrap for the first few weeks after the injury, hovering over you like a concerned big brother, though you knew it came from a place of care. Louis, too, had been endlessly charming, distracting you with silly jokes, making you laugh when all you really wanted to do was rest. The other boys had their moments too — Harry teasing you about “how not to fall,” and Zayn and Liam both offering you a shoulder to lean on whenever you needed it.

The camaraderie that’s developed between you all is undeniable, and it’s been one of the most rewarding parts of the tour. Despite the chaos, the tension between Niall, Louis, and the weight of the unspoken decision you have to make, there’s peace between you all now. The constant hum of uncertainty, of fear of saying the wrong thing, has faded. But there’s still that underlying current — the quiet, nagging question of what comes next.

You settle into the front row of the concert hall, watching as soundcheck wraps up. The stage is bathed in warm lights, the crowd’s roar growing louder by the minute. But you can’t quite shake the feeling that something’s missing. It’s the same feeling you’ve had all tour — an itch that can’t be scratched, a question that lingers no matter how hard you try to ignore it.

Niall and Louis are both performing their parts effortlessly, caught in the rhythm of their own worlds. Niall with his effortless energy, the way he connects with the audience as if they were all his best friends, and Louis, ever the showman, his charm and wit radiating across the stage. You’re proud of both of them, and yet, you can’t help but feel like you’re standing at a crossroads.

And as much as you want to focus on the moment — on their final performance, on the book you’ve poured your soul into — your mind drifts back to the same question that’s been haunting you for months. Who do I choose?

Niall, who’s always been there for you, who knows every inch of your heart, who’s offered you more than just his friendship. The safe choice — or is he?

Louis, who lights up your life with his unpredictable energy, his chaotic, carefree spirit. He’s shown you parts of yourself you never thought you’d uncover, yet you’re still uncertain of what it would mean to choose him.

And then, there’s the third option — neither. The thought makes your chest tighten. You’ve always been independent, fierce in your pursuit of your own dreams, but this tour has made you realize just how much you’ve let others into your heart. How much it matters to you that Niall and Louis are in your life. How can you possibly choose between them? Or should you even have to?

“Are you alright?” Harry’s voice pulls you out of your thoughts. He’s standing beside you now, looking concerned as he watches you absently twirl a pen in your hand, your eyes distant.

You blink and smile up at him. “Yeah, just thinking.”

“About the book?” he asks with a raised eyebrow. He knows you’ve been working on it in bits and pieces between the tour’s madness. It’s almost done, just the final chapter to go.

You nod. “And everything else.”

He watches you for a moment, sensing the weight behind your words, but doesn’t push. Instead, he pulls a chair closer and sits down beside you, offering a quiet, “It’ll all work out.”

You’re not sure if he means the book, the tour, or your heart. Maybe all of them.

The music starts to swell, the lights dimming as the band gets ready to take the stage. You glance back at Niall, his eyes catching yours for a brief moment, a smile playing on his lips before he turns his attention back to the crowd. And then Louis, just behind him, making a joke with Zayn before stepping forward, grinning like the world is his.

You can feel the weight of their attention on you — both of them, in their own way, silently waiting for your decision. You’ve kept them at arm’s length, not wanting to hurt either of them. But the longer you wait, the harder it feels to make the choice.

The crowd roars, the lights blinding as the band takes the stage. You watch as they do their thing, the energy in the arena filling you with the same sense of excitement and pride that’s become so familiar on this tour. The rhythm of the performance is familiar now — a comforting constant, just like the band itself.

But no matter how much you want to focus on the present, your heart feels like it’s pulled in two directions. Who am I supposed to be with?

As the night continues, the music fills the air, and you’re swept into the moment, lost in the music and the laughter of the boys. But even as you laugh along with them, even as you feel a part of something bigger than yourself, that question lingers, still unanswered.

The final chapter of the tour, and of your book, is approaching. The last note is almost played. And you can’t shake the feeling that, just like the book’s ending, your heart is waiting for its own resolution.

…

The tour has been a whirlwind. Months of rehearsals, traveling, late-night gigs, and countless memories have all led to this moment—the final show, tomorrow night. It’s hard to believe how quickly it’s all gone by, and while there’s a sense of accomplishment in the air, there’s also an undeniable tension. The band has become a family in so many ways, but like with all things, this chapter is coming to a close.

Your book is almost complete too. After months of interviews, observation, and documenting every moment of this wild journey, you’re finally nearing the end of your writing project. The chapters are coming together, and you can almost see the finished product—something that feels like a tangible piece of your experience with the band, a memory made permanent in ink. It’s strange to think how much of yourself you’ve poured into it, and how much you’ve learned along the way.

The decision that’s been weighing on you—the one between Niall and Louis—still lingers in the back of your mind, but tonight, you’re determined to let it go. Tonight is about celebrating the end of this journey, the friendships you’ve built, the laughs you’ve shared, and the moments that have changed everything.

Niall, Louis, and the rest of the band are already at the hotel bar when you arrive, a wave of laughter and music hitting you the moment you step inside. It’s a little louder than usual, and there’s a celebratory atmosphere in the air, as if everyone knows tomorrow is the last night they’ll all be together on stage for a while.

Louis spots you first, his grin wide as he pushes through the crowd to meet you. “There she is!” he exclaims, pulling you into a bear hug. “We thought you were gonna bail on us and go straight to bed. Come on, it’s our last night to be wild.”

You laugh, feeling the weight of the last few days slip off your shoulders. For tonight, at least, you can forget about everything else. You’re here with the people who’ve become your second family, and you intend to enjoy it.

Niall is sitting at the bar, his usual easy smile on display, but there’s a quiet intensity in his eyes when he meets yours. You’re not sure if it’s the drinks or just the exhaustion from the tour, but something feels different in the air between you two tonight. He stands up, his voice loud enough to cut through the chatter. “What are you waiting for? Come join us!”

You walk over to Niall, taking the seat next to him. As soon as you sit down, he passes you a drink with a grin. “It’s a celebration, right? Last night before the big show,” he says, his fingers lingering on your wrist for just a second longer than necessary.

The tension from earlier in the tour is still there, but there’s something in Niall’s eyes tonight—a gentleness mixed with the fire of excitement, like he’s willing to leave it all behind for one more night of fun. He’s here, and he’s present, and for tonight, that’s enough.

Louis soon pulls you into conversation, laughing about a prank they pulled on the stage crew earlier that day. Zayn and Harry are recounting embarrassing moments from their rehearsals, while Liam and Niall keep playfully arguing over the best way to prepare for the show. It’s a familiar routine—nothing complicated, just the unspoken bond between the bandmates.

The hours pass in a haze of laughter, teasing, and camaraderie. The music shifts from upbeat tunes to something slower, the lights dimming slightly as the bar turns into more of a cozy space, where the energy shifts from wild celebration to a quieter sense of reflection.

You find yourself alone for a moment, watching everyone interact, feeling a warmth in your chest as you take in the sights and sounds around you. The decision still lingers—unspoken—but right now, you let it go. Tomorrow will come, and tomorrow will be what it is. But tonight, you have your family with you, and that’s enough.

Louis eventually joins you at the table, his drink in hand. There’s a soft smile on his face, the playful energy of earlier replaced by something more sincere. “You good?” he asks, leaning slightly closer, his voice quieter than usual.

You smile, meeting his gaze. “I’m good. Just taking it all in.”

He nods, glancing around the room as if appreciating the moment, too. “Can’t believe it’s almost over, huh?” He runs a hand through his hair. “It’s been a wild ride.”

You let out a small laugh, your heart full of a hundred different emotions. “Yeah, it’s been… everything.”

He doesn’t push for more, letting the quiet moment settle between you. Then, without a word, he holds out his hand, the invitation clear. You know it’s a friendly gesture, just a way to carry on the celebration. But as you take his hand, you feel something more—a spark of connection that’s been there all along, but tonight, it feels different. As if the line between friendship and something more is thinning.

Before you can think too much about it, Niall appears next to you, his arm slinging casually around your shoulders. “You two planning on sneaking off again?” he teases, but there’s no malice in his tone. He’s just trying to keep the mood light.

Louis grins, ruffling Niall’s hair. “Don’t worry, mate, we’re just soaking it in before the madness starts tomorrow.”

Niall gives you a wink, and you feel your heart skip a beat. You haven’t made any decisions, but tonight is about letting go of the pressure, letting go of the expectations, and just being in the moment. The decision will come, but for now, you’re content to be here, with them, in the final moments of the tour.

As the night winds down, the band huddles for a final toast. “To the tour,” Liam says, lifting his glass. “And to us, for making it through the madness.”

You raise your glass, a smile tugging at your lips. “To us.”

And for tonight, that’s all you need.

The night fades, and as you return to your room, you can’t help but glance at your laptop—sitting on the desk with the draft of your book still open. The finish line is in sight. It feels surreal to know that tomorrow, when the tour ends, your book will be close to done too. There’s a sense of peace in knowing that both the tour and your writing journey have reached their final chapters.

But as you close your eyes and drift off to sleep, that feeling of peace is mixed with the quiet, heavy decision that still looms over you. Tomorrow will bring its own challenges, but for now, the celebration is enough.

…

It’s the last soundcheck of the tour, and the atmosphere is buzzing with the usual energy. The boys are in their element—laughing, joking, messing around with the crew, and occasionally breaking into song just to mess with each other. The chaos is familiar, and yet today, it feels different. There’s a kind of finality in the air.

You, on the other hand, are a bit removed from it all. You’re sitting off to the side, laptop open, tapping away at the final chapter of your book. The goal was to finish it before the show tonight, to bring closure to the last few months of the tour, but it’s harder than you anticipated. Your thoughts keep drifting. You glance up every so often, watching the boys get lost in their playful antics.

Niall is off in the corner, tuning his guitar, but he’s singing along to whatever song is playing in his earbuds, completely off-key. Louis is harassing Zayn about something, gesturing wildly as he talks. Harry, as usual, is caught up in his own world, trying to keep his hair just the right amount of messy while messing with Liam, who looks less than amused.

You’re almost at the point where the final chapter should be finished, but something is missing. You need the final thoughts from each of them—the essence of the journey, their voices, their personalities, their reflections on the tour. This chapter isn’t just about the highs and the lows of the experience; it’s about how the band, as a unit, has come together and changed. And you want to capture that. You want the last words to feel real.

You close your laptop for a second, taking a deep breath. The soundcheck continues in the background, the hum of instruments and voices forming a rhythm that lulls you into a comfortable silence. But you know what you need to do.

You get up from your seat and walk toward Niall first. He’s still lost in his own little world, strumming his guitar lazily as he hums along to the melody, completely unaware of your approach.

You sit down next to him, your legs crossed. He glances up at you with a smile, his cheeks flushed from the heat of the room. “Hey,” he greets you, offering a friendly nudge with his shoulder.

You smile back, looking at the guitar in his hands. “Hey, Niall. Got a second?”

“Always,” he says, setting the guitar down with a sigh. “What’s up?”

You hesitate for a moment, then ask, “I’m finishing up the last chapter of the book, and I was wondering if I could get your thoughts. Just a quick reflection on the tour. What’s been your favorite part of all of this?”

Niall taps his chin thoughtfully, then grins. “Favorite part? That’s tough. There’s so many moments, but… probably the time we all nearly got kicked off that plane in LA ‘cause Harry was trying to sneak snacks on board and made a scene. Or maybe the time Louis convinced Zayn to climb a tree backstage for a bet and then he got stuck. Classic.”

You laugh, your heart swelling with warmth at the memories. “You’ve got to be kidding me. I remember that.”

He chuckles, his eyes lighting up. “Yeah, good times. But if I had to pick one thing, it’d be the way we’ve all just been there for each other through all the madness. It’s more than just a tour, y’know? It’s like we’ve all been in this together from the beginning. That’s the best part for me.”

You smile softly, writing down his words. “Thanks, Niall. That’s perfect.”

He grins, clearly pleased with himself. “Anytime.”

You stand up and make your way toward Louis next. He’s pacing around, talking loudly to Harry, but you catch his attention as you approach.

“Oi, you look serious,” Louis says, raising an eyebrow at you. “You thinking about going for a run before the show or planning a heist?”

You laugh, shaking your head. “No heist, promise. But I do need something from you. Can I get your thoughts for the last chapter of the book?”

Louis stops mid-pace and looks at you with a mock-suspicious expression. “You want my wisdom, do you? I don’t know if I can deliver that.” He grins, dropping the act. “What do you need?”

You give him a playful push. “Come on, Louis. You’ve gotta have some insight. You’re the one always getting into trouble. What’s been the highlight for you on this tour?”

He thinks for a moment, tapping his finger on his chin. “Hmm. There’s been a lot of things. But, honestly, the best part has been the moments when everything’s been crazy and we’re all about to lose our minds, and then someone cracks a joke or pulls a prank and suddenly we’re all laughing again. Like, we could’ve been at each other’s throats, but that’s the thing about this band—we always bring each other back.”

You can tell by the tone in his voice that it’s more than just a joke; he means it. You nod, writing it down. “That’s perfect, Louis. Thanks.”

“Anytime, love. You know I’ve got your back.”

Next, you head toward Zayn, who’s leaning against a speaker with his arms crossed. He glances up as you approach, offering a soft smile. “Hey, you. What’s up?”

You sit down next to him, pulling out your laptop again. “I’m finishing the book, and I just need a final thought from everyone. Something meaningful to wrap it all up.”

Zayn nods slowly, his expression thoughtful. “Well, we’ve all been through a lot, right? But I think the best part is that we’ve grown together, individually and as a band. I’ve learned so much about myself, about what it really means to be part of something bigger than yourself. There’s a lot of chaos, but there’s beauty in it, too. It’s been a ride, for sure.”

You can see the sincerity in his words, and it feels like the perfect ending. You make sure to jot down his thoughts as well. “Thanks, Zayn. That’s exactly what I needed.”

“Glad I could help.”

Finally, you make your way over to Liam and Harry, who are in the middle of an intense conversation about something—likely their pre-show rituals. You wait for a break in the chatter, then turn to Liam.

“Hey, Liam,” you call, smiling. “Got a second?”

He looks up from where he’s adjusting his mic and gives you a warm smile. “Of course. What’s going on?”

You sit down next to him, knowing that Liam’s always been the calm to your storm. “I’m finishing up the book. I just need one last thing from you: a reflection on the tour. Something personal.”

Liam smiles softly, his eyes meeting yours with a look of understanding. “I think the biggest thing I’ve learned on this tour is the importance of being present. There’s so much happening all the time—shows, fans, interviews, travel—but what really matters is the moments we share when it’s just us. The late-night talks, the jokes, the support we give each other when things get tough. That’s what makes this worth it. That’s what makes it all feel real.”

You pause for a moment, taking in his words, feeling a lump form in your throat. You’ve known all along how special this band is, but hearing it from him—this grounded, reliable force—it hits differently.

“Thanks, Liam. That’s perfect.”

He looks at you, his expression warm and sincere. “Anything for you.”

…

The final concert is finally here.

The energy in the arena is palpable as the crowd roars in excitement, but you’re in a different space. The stress of writing your book, the constant push to get everything done before the end of the tour, has finally lifted. Your laptop is safely packed away in your bag, the last chapter done. You’ve managed to take a moment for yourself, sitting on the edge of the stage, watching the boys prepare for their last performance of the tour. Everything feels so surreal, like the last few months have flown by in a haze of sound and lights and laughter.

The first few notes of the opening song hit you, and your heart swells as you take in the crowd’s energy, but also the sheer joy that radiates from the stage. They’ve done this countless times, but tonight feels different. They’re giving it everything, as they always do, but it’s clear they’re savoring this moment—the last performance of something incredible.

You sit back and relax, letting the music fill you. The boys move around the stage, each of them taking their turns to shine. And yet, there’s something different about tonight. As they work through the set, your gaze naturally falls to one of them: Niall.

He’s laughing, his voice ringing out across the arena as he banters with the crowd. His eyes light up when he sings, his joy infectious. But it’s not just his presence on stage—it’s how comfortable he looks, how effortlessly happy he seems. You realize, without any warning, that this is the moment. The clarity hits you like a wave. It’s Niall. It’s always been Niall.

You think back to the beginning—the late-night talks, the countless moments of support, his steady presence in your life. He’s always been the one you’ve turned to when things were tough. And while Louis brought excitement and spontaneity into your life, it’s Niall who has always been your rock. He’s been there for you, the one who understands you in a way no one else can. Your best friend, your confidant, the person who could always make you laugh even when you felt like crying.

You can’t help but smile, feeling a warmth spread through you as the realization settles in. Niall isn’t just your best friend—he’s the one you want. The one who’s always had your heart, even when you were too scared to admit it.

The band finishes their current song, and the crowd erupts in applause. It’s time for the final dedication. You hear the familiar sound of the microphone being adjusted, and then Liam’s voice rings out, clear and strong.

“This next song,” Liam starts, glancing over at you, “we want to dedicate to someone very special to us. She’s been with us every step of the way on this tour, capturing every moment, every laugh, every story. And she’s worked harder than any of us to make sure our upcoming book will be something we’ll all cherish. We couldn’t have done it without her.”

Your heart skips a beat as you glance up at them, suddenly aware of how much you’ve meant to the band. You smile, cheeks flushing as the crowd cheers.

“So, this one’s for you,” Niall adds, his voice soft and sincere, his eyes meeting yours. “Thank you for everything.”

The crowd erupts again, and you’re caught in the rush of emotion. The boys launch into Story of My Life, their voices harmonizing perfectly, and the music fills the air with warmth and gratitude. It’s their final gift to you—a song of thanks for being part of this journey with them, for capturing it all in a way no one else could.

But even as the song plays, your eyes remain on Niall. As the music flows, you take in every detail of him—the way he sings with his whole heart, the way he looks at you like you’re the only person in the room. In this moment, it’s impossible to ignore the connection between you two, the bond that’s always been there but has just taken this long to fully realize.

It’s Niall. It’s always been Niall.

And as the song fades into the final notes, you know. You’ve made your decision.

You’re ready.

…

Final chapter

[monstersinthecosmos]

HI <3 Sheith VC anon here back with a very humble request. So I've read TVL and am currently reading QoTD, just finished the Devil's Minion chapter (oH mY gOD my HEART). I'm going through the books a bit slowly bc life stuff, but I have sooooo many thoughts and feelings and feel like I need to read lots of fic to work through it LOL. I would love it if you could rec me some (or tons of!) fics that wouldn't give me (m)any spoilers re: stuff that happens after this point in the series. I realize this might be a kind of hard/maybe impossible request because a lot of those spoilers would be referring to things that chronologically would have taken place prior to DM for instance, but I'm so starved I thought I might ask just in case! I'm not suuuper partial to any specific ships (Lestat/Louis is a bit boring IMO 😭 but I love them so I'll take it) and I don't have any NOTPs, so I'm down to read pretty much anything (esp if it's spicy and/or hurts my heart and/or features Armand lmao). Totally fine if this is too much trouble or if it turns out to be an impossible ask indeed; thank you in advance anyway! AND THANK YOU AGAIN for introducing me to these brain-rotting books lol I spend like half my waking hours thinking about Armand now.

SHGKJALDS I SPEND HALF MY WAKING HOURS THINKING ABOUT ARMAND TOO SINCE LIKE THE YEAR 2000 LMFAO im so glad you see!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU GET IT MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So babe tbh the reason I started writing Armand/Daniel fic at all is because there really ... isn't that much? And I was like GUESS I GOTTA FUCKIN COOK FOR MYSELF. So tbh I haven't actually read a ton of VC fic at all. The otp:true filter for them on AO3 (excluding TVverse fics) only has 237 fics hdkjgalds but you can start here LOL. I think for the most part you'll be able to tell in the tags if it's post-QOTD because people usually will tag like "post canon" or "Prince Lestat Era"; for QOTD fics check for a Devil's Minion/Devil's Minion Era tag. I don't always remember to tag my own fics but my only post-canon D/A fic is called "In the Trials of the Heart" and all my others are Devil's Minion era and shouldn't spoil anything ! Be aware that the TV fandom and book fandom sometimes overlap so there might be stray TV fics in the book tag; it won't spoil anything bc the TV canon is a completely different story, but it might not make sense if you jump in to read it. So without actual fic recs I'll share some authors that I really trust!! Have a look through their VC fics!!!!!!!

apoptoses (pervert extraordinaire 10/10, all the D/A fics are Devil's Minion era except for Blood Sanation so go nuts!) covenofthearticulate (this is Ash, she actually writes Loustat & Louis/Armand mostly but she's so smart and I trust her so much!!!!) Diabolus_Invictus HekateInHell (writes a lot of Lestat/Armand and also has a human AU called Our House that I'm obsessed with!) ImhereImQuire Nothing_But_Paisley rainandcoffee (if you're sick of all of our doom&gloom you can find fluff and lightness here!) whisperbird (just one VC fic but I think about it every day of my life I love it)

Whenever I remember I try to post VC fics that I do read, kinda like how Sheith fandom does Wednesday Fics, I try to tag #VCFicFriday so try there too!

Anyway if anyone wants to add to this post and share recs PLEASE DO I actually am not a great fic reader bc my attention span sucks and I'm picky about canon compliant porn LOL! But help our new friend out if you want to share any!!!!!!!!!!!!

[probsnothawkeye]

I meant to post this before midnight but got caught up in things anyway its my birthday and here is a list of some of my favorite podcasts I listened to in my 23rd year of life

Starting off with @ethicstownpod because we *have* to start with Ethics town it's so important and I love it so much. I will never forgive Louis for what they did but it is literally so worth the heartache <3 Ethics Town will hurt you! And you will thank it!

Up next is the Technomancy Project which fully rewrote my brain this year I absolutely adore this so so much. Its got magic! And science! And horror! And found family! It's the highlight of my month every month!

Sticking with the Faustian Nonsense train, we have Super Suits which is fun and funny and original and doesn't stab me in the chest, it just makes me laugh and I love it

Back to pain town, @tellnotalespod is phenomenal and magical and OW! I love Leo with my whole heart and cant wait to see what comes next from this show

Tiny Terrors started a couple weeks after I turned 23 and stayed with me all of the past year I love the Shed Gang and the frightening things they put me through. Perogi haunts me to this day <3

@liarsandleechespod came into my life swinging and making me cry at my desk. A beautiful story of grief that also contains horror elements that remain implanted in my brain it's just a spectacular show

@kingmakerpod has a trio of criminals I love with my whole heart and a magical world that absolutely fascinates me I adore it so much

@224bbaker reawakened my love of Sherlock Holmes by giving me an even more enjoyable detective team Fawx & Stallion is one hell of a show that you don't want to miss

I can and have written so much about @devisercast which was an earthshattering podcast I listened to this year that is still banging around in my brain and demanding I feel all the emotions from it. Its so so so good

This is not a complete list by any means but these were just a few of my favorite podcasts I listened to at 23

Since it's past midnight, I'm officially 24! 24 is definitely going to bring more excellent podcasts my way and I can't wait to listen to them

[persephoneflouwers]

I appreciate you being here! It feels like a hug from across miles 🫂, if that makes sense. You’re answering anons with exactly how I feel. I’m stuck too and no one understands in my life outside of my social media inner circle. Some of them weren’t Liam fans either so it does feel like I’m alone here with this heavy weight. Hurts when I see people lose their empathy and go immediately back to being bullies, even towards him after his death.

Your words about Louis being strong is what I needed to read as a comfort because I automatically thought of him 1st out of the boys. So much loss, always wearing his heart on his sleeve, genuine care he has for people. I wondered too if the support he has will be enough and how much he can take. But you’re right, he is a different person and he does have the 1/2 full outlook. I definitely want him off of social media, especially Twitter. And I hope paps stay far away from the funeral. I feel so much sorrow for his family!

My 2nd thought of the boys after Louis was Zayn. The regret he eluded to in his statement was heartbreaking. I hope more than anything that those 2 boys put whatever differences they have behind them so they never have to experience that feeling. I’m calling them boys when they’re older than me lol. But it just seems fitting when referring to them sometimes. Anyways, life is too short to hold onto something from years ago. If there is even a glimmer of hope that comes from all of this I’m highly optimistic that it’s zouis mending their very special friendship after all of these years.

Again, thank you for being here!

Yeah, I think we’re all navigating our way through this like we can. It’s hard to be an empath in these circumstances because relating to the sorrow others experience only adds up to the personal one.

Today, it was a very tough day for me. I hope you’re holding up well and being easy on yourself. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me ❤️‍🩹

[lululawrence]

lululawrence's January 2023 Fic List

Previous Fic Lists / Lulu’s List Podcast Masterpost

Happy 28th! Here are the 19 fics I read and loved during the last month. You'll notice I'm still finishing my Christmas reading, so let's just pretend it isn't so late in January as it is, shall we? And as always, be sure to show your love and appreciation for all of the hard work our fandom authors have put into their fics with kudos, nice comments, and (when applicable) reblogging their fic posts!

Mistletoe's For Two by @ireallysawanangel / crimsontheory (91k, E, Harry/Louis, Advent fic, enemies to lovers, fake dating, miscommunication, light angst, this fic was just so beyond charming and fun, i loved it so much, and from the beginning LOVED figuring out these characters, it was a great read and such fun enjoying as a WIP though i'm sure it's great all at once too haha)

love drunk, waiting on a miracle by @hellolovers13 / HelloLovers13 (30k, E, Harry/Louis, Advent fic, acquaintances to lovers, well, more like barista and customer to lovers, though that kinda happens at the beginning, and the focus is more on the development of their relationship, it's so sweet and fluffy and fast paced, it's a fun and lighthearted read that's got that festive spirit too)

Midnight by @kingsofeverything / kingsofeverything (11k, E, Harry/Louis, NYE fic, a/b/o dynamics, alpha Harry, omega Louis, friends to lovers, idiots in love, neighbors, there's more i wanna tag but it's kinda spoilery so I won't, I paused my Christmas reading for this, because everything about this fic is like crack to me, and as soon as I saw Lauren posted it and the tags and summary I had no choice, I had to read it immediately, and I regret absolutely nothing I loved it so very much, It was the perfect way to start the year for me lol)

Love This Christmas by @chloehl10 / lovelarry10 (68k, M, Harry/Louis, Advent fic, strangers to lovers, primary teacher Harry, teacher's assistant Louis, single parent Louis, pining, getting together, this fic was so much fun to read and I loved the details of the class and their working situation as well as outside of work the glimpses we got of their lives, and how it all just came together, this fic was adorable and sweet and i loved it)

Eyes on the Horizon by @uhoh-but-yeah-alright / yeah_alright (12k, E, Harry/Louis, Reverse Bang fic, age difference, older Harry, younger Louis, skydiving instructor Louis, Harry is having a bit of a mid-life crisis of sorts, he's just broken up with his long-term girlfriend, lost his job, and is coming up on a big birthday when he meets Louis, and he's so afraid of being a predator but ohhhhhhhh, he has NO need to worry about that hah, this fic was so incredibly fun and honestly quite educational about skydiving imo lol, but also so fucking hot it was SO good)

It's Thursday. Let's Get (un)Dressed. by @bananaheathen / bananaheathen (9k, E, Harry/Louis, NYE fic, tiktok, ootd tiktoker Harry, freshly broken up Louis, emotional hurt/comfort, Louis is pretty damn depressed which makes sense considering the situation, but he gets out of it and is okay!, genderfluid Harry, closeted Harry, this fic i'm kinda marveling at the fact it's only 9k because so many feelings and so much was put into it, it felt so much longer, and it takes up more space in my head and heart than I expected a 9k fic to be able to fill, but it's just, this fic is very important to me and i ADORE IT, SO MUCH, i keep thinking about this harry and louis as i'm going about my day sometimes, it's kinda ridiculous, anyway love love love and please read it and scream with me about how amazing it is thanks lol)

Wanted: Dog Walker by @louandhazaf / YesIsAWorld (6k, G, Harry/Louis, Reverse Bang fic, age difference, older Louis, younger Harry, silver fox Louis, dog walker Harry, neighbors, this fic is short and sweet and such fun, I love how Harry throws himself into walking Clifford, and how he and Louis start to develop a relationship with each other, it's very sweet and easy and honestly kind of precious)

Snow on the beach by @onlythesweet / onlytheclouds (9k, G, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, based on Hallmark movies in general, so it's exactly what you'd expect, the busy city guy spends his holidays with his family in a small, rural town, and gets off on the wrong foot with the town's darling, only for them to fall in love hehehe, and that's exactly what you get, featuring Louis as the city guy and Harry as the town's darling, this was such a sweet fic and had a lot of feelings mixed in it was lovely)

Odd Dogs by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry (4k, G, Zayn/Niall, Christmas fic, strangers to lovers, dog rescue, lots of dogs but especially a very special and important idiot of a dog, we love her very much a lot hahaha, if you're familiar with Emmu's special quirky shorter fics then you know about what to expect, and yet this fic just somehow goes one up, and i seriously almost woke up sleeping members of my household because of my laughter and teh sounds I was making trying to hold it in, this fic just hit me in the funny bone in a very specific way and Emmu's humor was perfection here, very very sweet and fun fic)

While the Moon is Bright by @tommokat / tommokat (1k, T, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, girl direction, speed dating, meet cute, this fic was such a fun little snippet of their lives and I loved the hints of what might be to come that were sprinkled in too)

Baking Spirits Bright by @beelou / cherrylarry (2k, G, Liam/Harry, Christmas fic, youtuber Harry, established relationship, baking, well it's hot chocolate from scratch which is more cooking but that's fine, fluff, this fic was a pure and sugary confectionary treat to read, it was fun to see what their relationship was like and how fun it is for them too, you know?)

All I know is I'm in trouble ('cause the atmosphere's so cold) by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed / we_are_the_same (8k, T, Harry/Louis, Zayn/Liam, Christmas fic, enemies to lovers, miscommunication, meet ugly, haha, skiing holiday, this fic was so good, I was trying so hard to figure out what exactly happened to make them so cold towards each other, especially when it was so obvious how much they loved their best friends and the fact their besties had fallen hard and fast, and then you learn and it's just, very sweet from there on out imo, this felt like a safe and soft space to hide out in for a bit)

'Sno(w) joke by @sun-tomato / SunTomato (6k, NR, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, snowstorm, stranded, in a library of all places hahaha, strangers to lovers, cuddling, this fic was just so sweet and easy, and Lewis was of course the silly side-bit character we all love him being, it was just overall a fun and kinda silly but also heartwarming fic)

Ho Ho Hopefully by @larrieblr / safetyfilm (5k, T, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, Harry is one of Santa's elves, Louis is a human he's been assigned to, pining, emotional hurt/comfort, strangers to lovers, this fic is so warm and tentative and sweet, and Louis is so lovely and exhausted and Harry just wants to adore him, it's so soft!!!)

Snow Squalls & Kitty Paws by @littleroverlouis / littleroverlouis (9k, G, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, cat cafe, cat cafe owners Louis and Zayn, pining, snow storm, snowed in, acquaintances to lovers, this fic was so fun and such a joy to read, i loved reading it so much and it was like a hidden safe place i just happened on, it was so sweet)

If you ever feel alone (Don't) by @beardyboyzx / beardyboyzx (10k, G, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, this fic is so heavy and sad almost but also so heartwarming?, Louis is clearly depressed and stressed and it makes sense why he's feeling that way, but also his friends are trying so hard to make sure he knows he's still loved and wanted, and so appreciative of the efforts he's able to make you know?, it's just, this fic was so lovely i adored it)

Louis' "Harry" Christmas by @chai-hat-tea / The_Halcyonic_Lachesist (10k, M, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, friends to lovers, idiots in love, hurt/comfort, like literal hurt, Louis injures himself and Harry cares for him, it's so very sweet, but also Harry's family helps them realize how stupid they've been, because they've basically been in a relationship without even realizing it lolll, i love it so much)

Mistletoe Cove by @wabadabadaba / wabadabadaba (5k, G, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, snowmen competition, strangers to lovers, this fic is so sweet and I love how it's based almost entirely around the snowmen they're trying to build, but they still manage to flirt despite that, it's so fun and silly and lighthearted)

The Elf who Saved Christmas by @ladyaj-13 / LadyAJ_13 (3k, G, Harry/Louis, Christmas fic, strangers to lovers, older brother Louis, Harry works at a Santa setup at the mall, and Louis doesn't know the rules about appointments, and it's so very cute, Harry and Niall are so funny but also I would imagine risking getting into trouble, but also I almost cried out of relief when they did what they did for Louis, I loved reading about how sweet they were without even knowing Louis!)

[the-rockstar-lestat]

What I'm the most mad about, is that now there is this strong opinion going around that you and Louis never really cared about Claudia above a superficial level, it makes my blood boil, what a shallow way to view things

I have so many things I hate about this show but that might be the worst of them.

Claudia was the light of my life. Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood, evil of my evil. Daddy's little girl, Daddy's little monster. I loved her so much, with every beat of my black little heart.

I wanted, above all, for her to be happy. I did not know how to give her that happiness. I didn't realize , or maybe didn't want to admit, that I had stolen any chance of happiness the day I made her.

Turning her was a selfish act. I wanted her. I wanted to see what would happen. I wanted to make Louis happy, give him someone to care about. I wanted to keep him with me, so he wouldn't leave. I never thought of what she thought in the matter. She was a child, how could she understand or consent to any of it?

I used her.

But every day, I loved her. Every day of her life, I loved her. Yes, even the day she tossed me in a swamp. I'm like that, I never stop loving someone once I start.

I don't know why that was changed for the show, can't imagine why. To make her "move beyond" us? To give Louis more room to get into sexy love triangles with me and Armand? After all, sexy love triangles between two adult men are much more compelling than the complicated largely familial relationship between a father a daughter, right? (one of my big problems. This show seems to have no room for any relationship that isn't sexual) To get her into sexy love triangles of her own?

(I never met Madeleine. Louis did not know her well. He has told me that it was possible that Claudia had some sort of romantic feelings for her. We frankly don't know if Claudia did, or COULD have romantic feelings for anyone. He speculates if she did it might have been for women. Either way, he says Madeleine was more Claudia's child that anything else. A fledgling of her own. God knows what their relationship would have turned into. Claudia may very much have had a little too much of me in her for it to be healthy for them...)

(also, Madeleine was not a Nazi collaborator. Why was that a thing?)

Our lives were complicated. Our relationships were complicated. We've all hurt each other, we're all going to hurt each other again. We're all going to do unforgivable things. We're all going to forgive each other anyway . But the one thing that wasn't complicated was Louis and I loved Claudia more than anything in the world.

The show is very shallow.

[mf-means-matthew-fairchild]

Stuck in love is officially one of the best movies I've ever watched. Ik the name sounds cheesy and like every other rom-com name ever but believe me it's so good. I think it was because of the great (really really great) actors and the mood-setting music. Genuinely a great watch. I personally related to it so much.

Samantha's commitment issues? Yep. Yes. I got that yk.

Just everything about it was...true. Real. I loved all the couples and God Rusty deserved so much better. I cried so hard during the car scene (iykyk). I could feel the emotions literally wafting off the screen. The acting was nothing short of phenomenal. And Louis's mother part was also very very good. (Like how is that possible? How do actors become the person they're portraying? It's so so beautiful.) Oh I love that they're writers too. The mother-daughter thing really really touched my heart because well I'm not the greatest child to my mother. All mothers deserve better. This one line really hit deep.

"She's all I've done with my life and she doesn't want me." -Erica says this.

Backstory: (spoiler alert) See, she left her hushband and married another man. And her daughter is angry with her cause her dad is suffering and still waiting for Erica to come back after 3 years. Yes, the man she married was the man she cheated on her hushband with while they were not yet divorced. You can see how that would've affected Samantha. See, I'm not saying Erica herself is a good person (she is though. It's compliacated. You've to watch the movie to understand) but she is a mother and really, if you watch it, you can see that she loves her children with all her heart. And Sam is ruthless. I related so so much with her cause I get angry really quick during arguments with my mother and say very harsh things. I realised that it hurts them a 100 times worse than we intended it to hurt. That's just how mothers feel. Their children are literally all they are (I'm exaggerating but you get the point). It feels like they're dying when you hurt them even in the slightest bit cause they're living for you. You're all there is. That's what I got from the movie anyways. And i know that it's the same case with my mother.

Me and my brother, We're both leaving her soon. I'm going away for college and my brother is a senior. So, yeah. It's bad yk? She constantly says "How am I going to be without you?". Everyday.

Now, Louis's mother part. When (spoiler) she died, I felt it hit me right in the face. I imagined how I would feel if my own mother died and let's just say I was sobbing. Like hard sobs with shoulders shaking. I realised how important she is to me and how she is a major part of who I am. She's everything. Nothing makes sense without her. I'm fully meaning every word I say. My mother's life is not the best. People are constantly pushing her down. She's a home-maker. It's not fair how people treat her (by people I mean my family ofc) She's dedicated her life for me and my brother. All of us, the whole family. I can't imagine a life like that. I would not survive.

I got real deep but it's something I had to get down in writing. Who knows maybe I'll show this to my mom someday. She'll be the happiest person on this earth when she reads this, I'm sure. Shower your mothers with love! That's all they need from you.

[louisisalarrie]

what are your thoughts on ziam & shiall

Oh god I hope I don’t get any hate from this.

I believed in Ziam as well as Larry. Ziam was a massive pairing back in the day, and a huge amount of larries also believed in Ziam, with “captain Niall” and his boys (I love this photo with my whole heart)

Liam was always so gentle with Zayn. He really seemed to take care of him, and paid special attention to make sure he was okay. He was so rough with Louis (and Louis right back at him), but so sweet and soft whenever him and zayn were next to each other, almost to a point of how gentle Louis is with Harry. Larry were obviously wrapped up in each other, exploring and experimenting and falling in love. They often just… were in their own world. We all know that, I won’t go further into it, but Ziam seemed to have something special too, more than a friendship.

I mean, I believe they all looked out for each other, but Liam in particular… I dunno. The way he touched Zayn, gazed at him, made him feel secure and more confident when they all knew Zayn was struggling with anxiety, it just was so beautifully… Soft. I believe they definitely had something going on there.

Let’s put it this way… you’re traveling the world, insanely busy with touring, recording, stunts, promo…rarely a day off. Worked to the absolute bone. But you and your 4 band mates are all in this together, right? You all understand how you feel. You’re not isolated in this experience, and you can find comfort in that, knowing your band mates will be there to hold your hand and keep you strong. It’s a bond like no other.

NOW, while you’re doing all this, you’re obviously deprived romantically and sexually. You’re a teenager/in your early twenties, for gods sake. You might even still be a virgin. And all you want is affection, love, and to, idk, get your rocks off sometimes without your own hand. It’s only human. AND even if you did have a partner outside of the band, they’re not always with you. You’re too busy flying everywhere, and they can’t go everywhere with you, so you’re going months in between having sex and intimate affection, with someone who doesn’t understand your life. You’re stressed trying to keep up a second life outside of the band where you can spend more time with your partner and actually be present in that relationship. But… you just can’t do it. You’re on the road so much, and texts and calls only go so far.

BUT you’re around your 4 other band mates alllllll the time. Who all understand how frustrating it is, and so you obviously show affection to them and help when it gets too much. Hell, sometimes it’s too much for you, but you’ve always been a super caring and loving person and you’re protective of these guys, but in particular, the one who’s struggling the most. You have cuddles, spoon sometimes, and show them that affection that a partner would. However… You don’t really think it’ll get much further than that. You’re straight anyway. You’re sure of it, so you’ll just keep using your own hand whenever you can get a rare bit of privacy for 5 minutes. But it becomes harder to do that when you’re sharing rooms and living on a bus and also… two of your bandmates are in a committed relationship. You’ve been watching them from the start, they made it work, and they always have that affection and those scratches you can’t itch because they’re always together. They’re not leaving a partner behind, they’re consistently getting that itch you can’t scratch. They’re in love.

SO anyway, you also hear… questionable… sounds coming from their hotel room/bunk/dressing room/bloody broom closet all the time. They’re late to things together, looking exhausted and flushed and they’re releasing that stress in a way that you don’t have. They have that connection you’re missing. They feel whole. They protect each other. So… if they can do that, why can’t you? They make it work. Hell, a quick handjob from your bandmate isn’t gonna hurt anyone, and you can release some stress together, and no one needs to know. You can excuse it as pals helping each other out. You’re still straight, after all. It’s just a bit of fun. You won’t fall in love with them, and you’ll still be buddies.

So, you’re having a snuggle with said bandmate, and one thing leads to another (I believe Liam would’ve initiated, personally) and it just kinda happens. It starts off with a quick handjob, and then escalates over time. You spend more and more time doing these intimate things, and you just kinda fall for each other. But, you’ve seen what happens when your bandmates have been wayyyyy too obvious to the GP and fans, so you keep it a bit more quiet. You try to, anyway (poorly). Maybe this feeling of love will pass… except it doesn’t.

Said bandmate then leaves the band. It’s all too much. They need to remove themselves as farrrr as possible from the chaos, and all the anxiety, health issues, and trauma it’s caused them. But you are still in the band. You love that band. So things just kinda… stop. Your bandmate cuts off contact. So you just, stick it out. Maybe try getting an outside partner to fill that gap, and maybe it works. And maybe it doesn’t. You were just kids after all, and they’ll always hold a special place in your heart. And you’ll hope that later you can reconnect. And maybe you do. that connection is so special that even if you’re just friends, it’ll always be there.

Anyway, that’s the hypothetical scenario that I believe happened to Ziam. Ziam fans have been staaaarrrrvvvveedddd since 1d broke up. They have barely seen any connection between the two, unlike larry who continued to be in the spotlight and show us they were still in love. I don’t believe Larry ever broke up, but I believe ziam did. But I’ve seen all the stuff about the Cartier bracelets etc., which is interesting, but I don’t really believe in them being together these days. Who knows? They might prove me wrong. I loved Ziam, so I’m kinda in the middle of yes they are, and no they’re not. Idk. It’s a tricky one without years of back and forth like larry have been doing.

Okay, Shiall.

Let me just say that I’m a Niall girl through and through. I adore all the boys, and have done for 13 years, and I am obviously particularly big on Louis now too, but this doesn’t affect my stance on Shiall.

To be honest with you, I don’t reaaalllyyy know that much about Shiall and why it’s such a massive ship. If you’re happy to send me some evidence or something, I’ll definitely have a look, and I saw the recent video of them together, but yeah. Idk. It’s just… not very believable to me. I believe niall may have experimented a bit in the band like they all did due to my reasoning above, but I don’t really have much of an opinion on his sexuality. If he’s bi, that’s awesome. If he’s gay, great. If he’s straight, that’s cool too. But I do lean more towards him being into women, and not men. Wasn’t there a belief that he was in a committed het relationship for like 3 years of one direction? That was super private? I dunno… maybe I don’t believe it because deep down it is because I’m a Niall girl, but… yeah. I don’t think Shiall is real.

So, in conclusion, thanks for reading this insanely long post.

I believe Larry is real 100%, Ziam was real but I don’t really think it is anymore, and Shiall is not real.

[fallingforel]

Arabella pt.7- broken hearts and hospital beds

masterlist.

"fuck" I say out loud forgetting that Alex is beside me, which gets him asking me if everything is okay. "Not really, I leave for a few days and the lads bottle everything without me there, I need to go home Al, wiil you phone me a taxi to the airport I'll explain everything later to you"

"yeah okay, promise me you'll explain though"

"yeah, course could never think not too"

And so It's official I'm on my way home to sort out Matty's heart, not realising in order to do that, I'd have to sort mine out too.

⋆｡°✩

A/N sooo it's here part 7, I am so sorry for the hurt your about to witness I promise you It's not over yet we still have lots of ground to cover but this is just to get the ball rolling, I promise you. But this is one off the many angst chapters to come, Also the Sarah Jones apperance was not meant to happen. BUT! it happened on accident so It's here now and I can't think of any other names so enjoy

⋆｡°✩

do you ever question whether people need you or not? I do all the time and then it's times like these when G, MacDonald and hann hell even healy prove me right that I'm their rock they need me incase it gets too much and so that's how I found myself roaming wilmslow late at night, jetlagged so bad trying to find one of my bestfriends.

"Do you seriously not know where he is then? Has he just disappeared? Is there anything I can do?" Alex asked from the other end of the phone

"No I don't know where he is, he gets like this though, when G told him he was going to uni just as a backup incase the band didn't work out he ran away didn't speak to anyone for days, thought it was the end for our friendship group, thought he was going to have to work a 9 to 5, in the end he was just sat at the rec with a bag of coke a wine bottle and a zoot, he was in a really bad state, had to coax him home with a movie night of elephant Hann Ross and I had to take it in shifts to make sure he was okay, and Al there's seriously nothing you can do so stop worrying we're all scouring the place, G's here we know what to do. Don't we G?" I break the phone from My ear earning a snatch of the phone from George.

"Yeah mate honestly don't worry, we're all searching the place if anything he'll be at the rec, or at y/n's mum's she always manages to calm him down so honestly Alex don't worry us Wilmslow lot have got it" George starts speaking at a million miles an hour probably the rush from the worrying about Matty. Soon enough Alex puts down the phone after much coaxing from me telling him that he needs to get some sleep, due to the tour rehearsals he has to go to in a few days.

⋆｡°✩

"once again so sorry to drag you out here like this, but you know him better than anyone and we figured if anyone could sort it out it would be you, know you'd much rather be living it up in mexico right now with your new lover boy"

"G stop apologising none of this is your fault or Matty's either so don't you dare start having a go at him when we find him, because I know you'd do exactly the same if this happened to you, plus mexico wasn't that fun just a couple of drinks besides I missed you lot like hell while I was out there, wasn't the same"

"But I can't help but apologise, none of this would've happened if we kept a close eye on him, like always your the one left to pick up the pieces, who said I was going to have a go at him anyway, not right now not when he's just lost the one woman who was so special to him and his parents aswell, they were his rock louis too, maybe when he's recovered I might have a go but not right now. certainly not right now. And aren't you a sweetie."

Just as I was about to reply the ringtone of one of our phones went off, it was mine coming from a no caller Id picking it up just incase it had something to do with Matty.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this y/n l/n?"

"yes it is sorry who's calling may I ask what this is about?"

"yes it is. It's nurse jones from highmoore hospital calling about Matty Healy, he had you down as an emergency contact, failing the next of kin we couldn't get a hold of his Mother Denise?"

"Yes Hi is everything okay? we've been looking for hours now is he okay?" I ask while George is standing in front of me mouthing allsorts and making different handgestures trying to figure out whos on the other end, which I make a shoo gesture in return trying to figure out what the nurse has to say in reply to my previous sentence.

"Not particularly, It's a breach of privacy if I tell you over the phone are you possible to make it down here tonight, get in contact with His mother as well bring her down here two, we will also need you both to bring a form of Identification aswell, as there are some forms you need to fill out."

"I'll see what I can do, thank you for ringing me goodbye" I say putting down the phone.

Shortly after I'm met with a burst of questions from George, "who was that?" "was that about matty?" "Is he okay?"

"That was Highmoore hospital, Matty got admitted, apparently Denise didn't pick up, I think her phone must of died she did mention she was on low percentage earlier, so I was his backup emergency contact, I don't know what's happened they wouldn't discuss it over the phone so I have to go down there with denise bringing forms of Identity so they can explain what happened. Will you take me G? Matty had my car and I don't know what he's done with it if he's still got the keys. Also who was denise with in search parties, cos we need to go get her too."

"course I can take ya, I honestly don't know what he's done with your car either to be honest think he took it to his mums after dropping you off. And Den got put with your mum and dad, certainly not with tim considering recent events"

⋆｡°✩

"hi mum"

"hey babe did you find him is he okay"

"yes and no well I'm not too sure can you put denise on please"

"oh, I would but she went home to look after Louis, Tim took over and came out with me"

"Could you tell Tim to head back home please, we found Matty he's in Hospital, the nurses are asking after me and denise"

"course I can sweetheart, just try not to stress yeah and if you need a place to stay your always welcome back at home, you know your dad and I are here for you"

"yeah I'll try gonna head to den's now, see you later on love you so much thanks for the offer, I'll probably take you up on it dying for a bacon and egg sandwich made by you"

"Okay sweetheart, take it easy love you, and your dad says love you too"

"love you both speak soon."

⋆｡°✩

And within 5 minutes we're at denises house ringing the doorbell relentlessly, and not even 30 seconds later denise pops her head out the door, and the first thing she said to me was "Have you found him"

"Denise he's at the hospital, your needed to go with her and sign some forms" George says back

"Tim's not back yet, I can't just leave Louis here on his own, will that dickhead get back and fast I need to see my son."

"Look It's fine y/n can take my car she's insured on it, she can drive you both. I'll stay here with Louis till Tim comes back, they probably won't let me in anyway"

"okay."

⋆｡°✩

We're soon at the hospital I rush to park not caring about the fine that may be insued later for not paying the parking fee, but I couldn't care less about that right now. All I care about is getting to Matty to see if he's okay, I know he won't be but a part of me hopes that he will.

Denise and I rush in to the front desk of a&e

"excuse me excuse me please could you tell me what ward Matty Healy's in she's his mother and I'm his emergency contact we both have ID."

"umm slow down slow down, Unfortunately I can't im only a trainee nurse so I don't have access."

"OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! JUST MY FUCKING LUCK, WELL COULD YOU POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF SOMEONE WHO FUCKING KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE DOING" Denise shouts, clearly overwhelmed from all of the events in the past 24 hours

"Miss I understand that your upset but you need to calm down and lower your voice you're upsetting the other patients"

"FUCKING CALM DOWN? CALM DOWN? ARE YOU HEARING THIS Y/N? SHE DECIDES TO TELL ME TO CALM DOWN ? I JUST WANT TO SEE MY SON, I NEED TO MAKE SURE HE'S OKAY"

and right then and there she breaks down in my arms crying and sobbing. "oh Denise there it's okay I'm right here I'm not going anywhere okay" turning to the nurse I open my mouth "she's just going through a divorce and her mum died the other day, she's just upset she's not normally this rude, could you please point me in the direction of someone who would know please"

"yeah, sorry honestly I would but it's protocol, and I don't want to break it and lose my potential job, Sarah over there knows everyone and everything that comes in and out of this hospital, she should be able to tell you"

And so I sit denise down on one of the vacant chairs lining the entrance. "you gonna be okay I'm just gonna go over there to talk to that nurse about our Matty I won't be long" and she can't get a word out too stressed about the whole thing so she opts in for a wave of the hand instead.

"Excuse me" I tap her on the shoulder while she's looking at some documents. "Are you okay there? Are you waiting to be seen?" "umm I'm okay, I spoke to the nurse over there she said you could help with me finding My friend Matty Healy. I spoke with a nurse over the phone,I'm not too sure of the name. I'm with his mum over there she's too shaken up to speak so I have to do the speaking, I'm his emergency contact we've both got ID, the nurse on the phone said we had to bring it." "yes that was me on the phone I can take you both to the doctor and him if you want, I will need to see ID from you both though just to match it to his record" "yeah, of course I'll just go grab Denise and come to the front desk"

"sorted, come on Denise we're going to see Matty" "you go, if my boy has a load of wires attached to him I don't want to see it. Just tell me the damage he has done to himself, to get him here yeah" "okay, I'll tell you. Don't stay here though go get a coffee or something even a walk outside, you can even pay for my parking if you want, just don't sit here yeah don't get too in your head I'll be back with him before you know it, heres G's keys." I say to her fishing George's keys out my back pocket handing them to her before heading to the front desk and digging my ID out meeting with the Nurse again.

"Okay, looks all good, where's his mum? Does she not want to go?" "No. Said she wouldn't be able to deal with it if he was attached to a load of wires on a bed, sent me to see damage instead" "It's okay we get it alot loads of families come in and it's usually the mum's who can't bare to see what's happened when it could just be a bump on the head which we need to keep an eye out for a concussion, or a broken ankle, but I get it though, if I got a call about one of my boys I'd be in bits I'd send my sister in to see the damages"

"yeah it is understandable I suppose, I'm sorry to be rude but is it alright if I actually see the doctor now" "Yeah of course I'm sorry I'm being a blabber mouth again I'll take you to see Dr. Inverness now, he'll be able to tell you more" and so the walk is quick turning a couple of hallways until we reach the opiod overdose ward. "fuck, matty what have you done" I let out, I thought I had said it in my head, but I hadn't because Sarah speaks up from beside me "don't worry this isn't where he is, he's in the orthopedic trauma ward, this is just where Dr Inverness' office is because this is his main speciality" I let out a breath that I didn't realise I had been holding.

We eventually reach Dr Inverness' office, and Sarah knocks on the door, earning a "come in" from the otherside of the door.

"Ah Nurse Jones, this is a bit of a way to come, aren't you needed in A&E? what brings you to the opioid ward?" "Just have Matty Healy's emergency contact with me, she wants to know what's going on" she says then turns to me "I've got to go, too many trainee nurses and not enough fully qualified nurses in A&E, you're in safe hands with Dr Inverness he'll talk you through everything that has happened with Matty, even take you to him" "thank you so much for your service, hope Denise didn't scare your trainee nurse too much, she can get a bit much sometime" "Honestly no bother, and no don't worry I saw her keep her cool and not cry she's a tough cookie it's gonna take a lot more than a mental breakdown from a mother of a patient to break that one, take care" "and you" she leaves after that.

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"so what's wrong with Matty?" "he suffered blunt force trauma to the head after consuming too much Alcohol, resulting in alcohol poisoning, we've had to stomach pump him already, we couldn't leave it, it would've been too late until someone showed up and he could've died. We don't know how long he was there for a member of the public found him on the floor with blood surrounding his head."

"Understandable, I'm sure his mum would say the same. There's something else isn't there?"

"yes, when we did testing when he arrived we found quite an amount of opioids in his system 30mg of erythroxylon 4mg of THC 0.5 g of oxycodone 50 mg of methamphetamine"

"what are you trying to say?"

"we need an approval to send Matty off to rehab to get clean, he's not awake yet, we've had to put him in a medically induced coma, If not he would've done it himself with the amount of drugs he had taken"

"look, I can't make a decision right now, I can't do it by myself, am I okay to go and see him?"

"of course, I'll take you, but I will need an answer by the time he wakes up?"

"were hoping to take him out of his coma, in 2 weeks, And then he should wake up a few days after that it takes a couple of days to fall out of the comatose state he's in right now, although I should warn you he might never fall out. He's right through here talk to him he can still hear you, we encourage everyone to talk to these patients, It can sometimes speed up the awake process"

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It hurts seeing him the way he is all battered up and bruised, he probably fell from the height of one of the ramps at the skate park. I go and sit next to him grabbing his hand over the many wires that were in the way, It was clear Matty was on high alert. And it hurt like hell.

"oh Matty what am I going to do, why were you so stupid, if you had just waited for me to get back I was on my way home, why couldn't you have just waited? It would've been so much easier on everyone. eh? What are you like? You know I never thought THE Matty Healy would've had to get his stomach pumped THE Matty Healy who could down 17 tequila shots one after the other before being sick and going back at it again. And now look at you, you had to get your stomach pumped after probably downing a bottle of red, that has always been our depressed drink. Alex asked after you, you know wanted to check you were alright. Please Stink pull through I know you can, I love you so much darling, so so much, please pull through, I don't know what I'd do without you, If not for me do it for Louis, for George, For Ross, For Adam, For your Mum, For your dad, for everyone around you, For yourself. Please Please please for your bug" and that was it before I saw my never ending tears wetting his sheets and his hand.