#ANYWAY im crying of happy tears because I’m far away from what she’s done to me and im glad she’s given me the chance

[knizuu]

Oh I’m actually crying/gen

[bunn1loid]

hi! this is my first request ever so im a little nervous but i stumbled across your blog and your writing literally made me cry and it was really good so i just have to request something!

is it alright to request beidou, diluc, kazuha, or zhongli (whoever you want) when the reader is just super tired of being used as a punching bag for everyone and is just exhausted in general and is having thoughts of relapsing with sh? and if its not too much could you add the detail that they've been in past abusive relationships and are still affected by it?

if this makes you uncomfy or its too much please skip this! please remember to take care of yourself, take breaks and remember to eat and drink something! thank you so much for the comfort you bring to others, because the stuff of yours that i've read so far has made me feel a lot better than how i was feeling before :) <3

❝ 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓉 𝓃𝑜𝓌 ❞

➝ beidou, diluc, zhongli

➝ pronouns: they/them

➝ warnings: emotional exhaustion, mentions of self-harm + abusive relationships (not the characters) ⚠️

➝ a/n: hello! ahh i’m sorry for taking so much time for your request! i didn’t include kazuha, since i’m really not sure how he would react or comfort. still, i hope that’s good enough > > i wish you a good week, please stay safe and take care of yourself, you deserve it ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ

🍂 𝓫𝓮𝓲𝓭𝓸𝓾 ��� *

• when beidou decides to take a break in Liyue between two travels, she thinks everyone would go see their friends and friends - those who can, anyway. the last trip to inazuma has been tough after all, and they need to rest after fighting the storms.

• while everyone is more or less happy to finally see the warm atmosphere of the harbor and the golden laterns hanging from buildings, you keep your eyes glued to the ground, your bag heavy on your shoulders.

• beidou cares for her crew: so of course, when she notices you slowly making your way in the streets of liyue harbor, and not matching the energy of her friends, she immediately gets worried.

• she follows you, and you walk away from the busy crowds of the harbor, snifling a few times. you only stop when you’re out of the city and sit down in the grass, your knees against your chest.

• beidou has never seen you like this before.

• she gently tap her hand on your shoulder, startling you.

• “ hey there, y/n. “ you turn your head to face her, catching her off guard with the tears in your eyes. “ what’s wrong ? did something happen ? “

• you shake your head first, not wanting her to be concerned about your mental health. after all, she already has so much to worry about as the captain of the krux. she doesn’t look convinced though, obviously. your tears haven’t stopped rolling down your cheeks after all.

• beidou places her hands on your shoulders and helps you take your bag off your back. when that is done, she leaves her hands there, massaging your sore muscles with her thumb. you welcome the gentle touch by leaning backward until your back touches her chest.

• “ come on. you can tell me anything, y/n. was the last trip too rough for you ? “

• you take a deep breath, and finally let your feelings out.

• you tell her about the rough treatment that you received on the krux. about all the jokes your crew made about you -- of course, they probably didn’t mean to hurt you. most of them just had that kind of humor, one that hurts you deeply and tears your self-confidence to shreds.

• by the end of the trip, every little mistake you made made you want to tear the skin off your face. you were scared of their so-called jokes. just thinking about it made you want to cry harder.

• beidou listens, taking in every word you speak and regretting not seeing anything when it happened.

• when your voice trailed off, she wrapped her arms around you and looked at you: and indeed, you had red lines on the sides of your face, as if you had been scratching yourself.

• “ i’m sorry i didn’t notice earlier, y/n. “ you could tell she was angry just by hearing her, but by the way she held you, you knew it wasn’t against you. “ i’ll talk to them about this - no details, don’t worry. there are some things they just can’t say to people they don’t know. “

• she rested her head on top of yours, admiring the last sunrays disappearing in the sea. “ you’re home, now. i promise nothing like this will ever happen again. “

• “ and if you ever feel the need to hurt yourself... “ her fingers traced the lines on your face. “ just call me, okay ? i’ll be there for you, and i’ll make sure you stay safe. “

🍂 𝓭𝓲𝓵𝓾𝓬 ༘ *

• it’s a rainy evening in mondstadt.

• the tavern is filled with people; whether it’s because they want to drink, or just stay in a warm place with their friends.

• you’re waiting for diluc to end his shift so you can spend time with him. you crave his wamrth more than ever tonight, and the day was rough. you wish time would pass faster and everyone could just go out.

• despite the crowd in the tavern, diluc notices your presence quickly. you wave your hand at him, and he nods in response.

• you watch him work to distract yourself from your thoughts. he washes glasses that were previously filled with alcohol, takes orders from his clients and keeps an eye on everyone. he occasionally goes upstairs to check there, so you have to focus on something else instead.

• when the last person finally leaves the tavern, diluc stretches his back, groaning when he hears something crack. he then makes his way to you, sponge in hand and towel on his shoulder.

• " good evening, y/n. " he washes a table next to yours, glancing at you several times when he notices your saddened expression. " is something wrong ? "

• " ..i'm tired. " you barely have the strength to speak. that’s how exhausted you are, though you can’t express it properly.

• diluc hums and pulls a chair to sit close to you. it’s not his first time seeing you like this, and he knows everything that happened. that includes the red spots on your forearms, where you've hit yourself as a last attempt to keep yourself safe. despite your long sleeves, he can guess you're hurt.

• he holds your arms in his hands, pulling you closer to plant a kiss on the top of your head. " i'm proud of you, y/n. "

• you lift your head to look at him. proud of what ? the only thing you did was cry and hurt yourself. " i know it's hard to recover when your only source of comfort is pain. you did very well today. "

• you let your head fall in the crook of his neck, not minding the scent of alcohol and focusing on how nice it feels to touch someone, especially a person as warm as him.

• “ you can rest now. i’m here. “ all the tension leaves your body when you hear these words.

• you know that after a long day filled with stress and tears, you can rely on him to heal you. and it feels good to trust someone for once. especially since diluc proves to you, everyday, that he’s there for you and that he would never hurt you.

🍂 𝔃𝓱𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓵𝓲 ༘ *

• after a long day of work, you’re always excited to meet zhongli near the wangsheng funeral parlor. since you end your shift a little earlier than him, it’s a routine for you to wait for him outside, and greet him once he’s done.

• no matter what the weather is, you always wait for him, eager to listen to him and tell him all about your day. well.. almost.

• after all, it’s hard for you to tell him about the treatment you receive from your colleagues, even tears are burning in the corners of your eyes. zhongli does notice the sparkles in your eyes of course, and sometimes he takes note of how quiet you are. but, he’d rather let you take the first step, he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable.

• and while first step means opening up about your feelings to him.. you end up revealing your secrets in another way. one that makes his heart crumble when he just thinks about it.

• as usual, you wait for him outside of the funeral parlor; but your chest hurts and your ribcage feels empty. when you see his warm smile and hear his voice asking how your day was, you fall apart, unable to contain anything in front of him.

• he’s at a loss for word, but still, he remembers that you two are in the busy harbor, near crowds -- and takes you away from said crowds.

• when that is done, he gently presses his hands against your back, bringing you closer until the warmth radiating from him. “ dear, may i ask what happened ? “ the crowd is muffled behind his deep voice.

• you try to explain what happened -- what happens every day. you barely manage to tell him your problems through your tears, and give up while trying to tell him how you feel about it.

• instead, you grip your shirt, where your heart is. and he understands how painful it must be for you.

• “ y/n. would you mind if i accompany you to work tomorrow ? i would like to have a word with these rascals. “ you giggle, amused by the way he talks about your coworkers. it’s relieving to laugh about something else than yourself, sometimes.

• still, you nod, knowing zhongli would make the situation a little more bearable for you.

• “ then it’s settled. i will wait for you outside of your home tomorrow morning. “ you hum in response, drying your tears on his vest as you press yourself closer to his chest. he fills the void in your body. “ i wanted to take a walk outside of the harbor with you today, but... i believe it’s best if you rest, y/n. i will take you home. “

• you don’t move -- not yet, zhongli is so warm against you and holds you so lovingly. he doesn’t let go either, opting to do so when you get out of his embrace first.

[spikesbimbo]

Drunk in Love

Summary:  Getting drunk and confessing your love for your “boy” friend and fucking him was most definitely not what you expected to go down on the usual night.

Pairing: Issei Matusukawa x Reader

Tags: Timeskip!Tattoed Mattsun, softdom!issei Hurt/comfort, friends to lovers, smut, fluff, virgin!reader, Unptrotected sex, non-penetrative sex, fingering, oral, pussy/thigh job, clit slapping, sweet dirty talk, praise, drunk sex

Word count: 7.2k

A/N: I heard pussy job and I wrote a whole ass novel

18+ Minors DNI

You run your finger over the condensation of your empty drink, drawing shapes (or what you thought to be shapes, you couldn’t tell at this point) waiting for your dear friend, Makki to bring you a refill of your cocktail.  

“Here ya go.” Makki said as he returned with your beloved Malibu Sunset. The smooth coconut rum bringing you back to your first and favorite drink that you ever got drunk on in high school. You smiling at the memory

“Thanks.” you say. Your reply being mumbled by the liquid already in your mouth.

This all started with Iwaizumi calling Mattsun up, you and Makki hearing “You wanna get wasted?” on the other side of the phone. And with pleasure, you two were already packing your stuff up, shoving yalls “pregame” bottles back in the bag. The three of you made your happy way there climbing through the fence of the abandoned skate park you were in. Needles to say it was abandoned for a reason, but what’s life without a little danger.

You three and the rest of the third years have been friends since high school, meeting in freshman year, and now including Oikawa’s girlfriend. You actually didn’t like Oikawa at first, his “pretty boy” demeanor making you internally cringe. But his personality grew quickly on you, being the perfect target to tease you and Iwa clowning him over everything.

Now back to you on your nth drink, complaining about your previous job that fired you because u got injured, even though you know you wouldn’t have lasted long there anyways because you weren’t that academically inclined. Bright? Whatever you wanted to call it.

And as-usual it wasn’t long before your crybaby ass immediately called Makki and Issei and “tried” your best to tell them what happed with your dramatic self-induced tears running down you race, while Makki urged to you to try to calm down and Issei straight up laughing at the state your were in, snot running out of your nose. You recoiling at the thought, hoping they forgot. (Spoiler, they didn’t)

But now you nanny for a rich couple and you get payed good to play with cute babies all day, sounds good to you! Luckily, you had the week off due to them going on a vacation, you think it was France, no, the south of France. Must be nice.

Cue to now, Mattsun chuckling and leaning on you and Iwaizumi; both of you, especially Iwa, being visibly done with his shit. Him reminding you about the times you bought him some random shit, which you went out of your way for since he always payed for you, like that chopper keychain because you said it reminder you of him.

He didn’t know what compelled you to say his 6’2, tattooed built self looked like a tiny reindeer but okay. It still meant a lot to him, hooking it onto his motorcycle keys. But you knew he appreciated it, despite his appearance he’s a softie.

“You wanna try this’” He says gaining his composure offering you one of the shots he got.

You took one of the mini glasses, not being the type to back down and promptly swung the drink to the back of your mouth, quickly coughing before it even reached your throat.

“This shit is fucking gross.” You coughed out bringing the glass down from your lips.

  “Imagine being sober. Can’t relate.” He said taking another shot.

  “I guess I should do that but ive passed the point of giving a fuck” You said sending yall into a giggling fit while somehow Makki was thrown in to support yall from falling over. You two carry on laughing ignoring everyone’s stares at you thinking about how much yall fit perfectly together.  

   Makki rearranges himself to sit back in his chair, far away, from the both of you, whispering “Damn. I’m really third wheeling.” under his breath. Getting a snicker out of Oikawa sitting next to him.

   “When your best friends are ignoring you. Sad times.” He continues bringing his bottle to his mouth getting no response.

  Issei chuckles and gets up shoving his hands in his pocket reaching for the cigarettes. Pulling them out while failing to find his lighter

  “Fuck.” He muttered

  “Any’all got a light?”

  No one responds so you sacrifice yourself “Yeah” you say reaching into your pocket grabbing out your prized possession of a hot pink, bedazzled lighter that you did yourself, reaching out to hand it to him.

  “Don’t lose it” you stated seriously trying not to break a smile.

  “K’ sweet cheeks.” He said smirking into the butt between his lips as he walked away. Your face now burning up, hoping that everyone would think it was because of the alcohol.

  You mind wanders, thinking about the “dates” you two go on, from watching shows you “forcing” him to watch some romantic anime, to going to the skatepark, to playing video games with the rest of the 3rd years (which you don’t really like but you’ll play for him) and him surprising you with takeout, you bringing out candles trying your best to make it cute with him telling u everything you everything about his day.

  And you always tried to remain calm, even though sometimes he deserved to get his ass beat, like that one time he broke one of your favorite pair of heels. It honestly hurt him even more, he wanted you to get mad at him but no, you just acted like nothing happened. Making the guilt rise in him. Let’s just say didn’t have to lift a finger for the next few weeks.

You basically babied him, taking care of all his “chores”, mainly making him food when you were at his place knowing he hated doing it. Makki teasing you for acting like his housewife, leading to you slapping the shit outta him while trying to cover your now red cheeks.

You’ve never been so grateful for your attire at the moment, blessing yourself for not wearing your usual outfits of short skirts and cute tops, defending yourself saying what housewife dresses in beat up vans and baggy clothes. You definitely not imaging yourself in that position for the rest of the day.

 You expressed that you just liked to take care of people, which was true. You always looked out for them, bringing an extra umbrella, to bringing cookies you made at 2 in the morning to school, always carrying band-aids (yes, the paw patrol ones you took from the kids you babysit).

You checked the time on your phone seeing it was late since the sun at last went down, your lock screen being your dogs to their complaint since they have a group photos of you all from high school as theirs. To which you replied “They’re my babies” getting a groan and huff out of them.

  Seeing the notifications of your group chat you grinned at the contact name you and Issei gave each other; yall jokingly call each other pet names, his contact being honeybun and yours being pumpkin, even including Makki in your contacts as pudding bc then it wasn’t weird, right? no.

  “What’re you smiling at y/n?” Oikawa cheekily asks teasing you. You turn to him giving him a dirty look, not having enough energy to deal him right now.

  “Don’t listen to his bullshit.” Oikawa’s girlfriend says. You’re thankful for her. She was always on your side, being the only other girl in your friend group. To be honest you just wanted her and you to hang out most of the time, but of course to your disapproval her boyfriend and his friends had to join in.

  “Fuck this. Fuck you. I’m sleeping.” You say getting up to her objection, the only thing on your mind wanting to retire for the night.

  “You sure you’ll be fine? Let us at least walk you home.” She said already grabbing her boyfriend’s arm.

  “Nah, im good. I live right down the road.” You try to say not slurring. The last thing you want is him teasing you even more, especially in this state, knowing you, you’d probably start crying at the slightest irritation when youre this drunk.

    You started to “walk” towards your house resting  your hand against the brick walls to not lose your balance, leading you to run into Issei. You stopped to watch him lean against the alley holding a cigarette between his index and middle finger.

  “I’m hiding like a bitch” He says noticing you, resting his weight against the wall.

 “Wanna be a bitch with me? He grinned  blowing out the smoke out with his words.

You didn’t reply, just walking over to him, just being around him made you feel warm.

"Fuck its windy.” He says trying to light a new cig.

“C’you make me a house?” He asks.

You go up and put your hands around his cigarette, this not being your first time. Your hands wrap a little tighter to prevent the wind from burning out his flame. He joins you with his free hand helping, finally getting his cig to light.

 “Thanks doll” He smirks.

“No problem princess.” You reply earning a laugh out of him.

He takes his first hit with his and your hands still wrapped around it. He gets an up-close look at your hands, noticing how tiny they were, seeing all the scars that he never noticed, making a mental note to ask you how you got them later.

His head gets close to yours for the first time in a while due to his height. You glance at his face, noticing his features seeing some stubble growing on his face.

“You ain’t shave?” You ask, never seeing it in the past, while he was moving back up, blowing the smoke away from you.

“What, you don’t like my majestic beard? “He jokes. Making you giggle almost losing your balance before catching yourself on the wall.

  “s’too much work.” He starts. “You wanna shave it for me?” he says slightly leaning towards you. Handing you back your lighter knowing you didn’t need him to carry it because your pants actually had pockets in them for once.

You let out a soft laugh not responding again. He catches on, you got quiet when you were tired and he made out that you were walking towards your house.

“You going home?” he asks already knowing the answer.

“Yeah.” You respond more than happy to have him walk you back, him already moving to walk next to you.

He walks you home, you two talking about random shit, both of you forgetting about your skateboards leaving Makki to deal with them. And even though you’re drunk as fuck you’re still in the right state of mind, carrying a normal conversation with him. But just because you’ve built a tolerance doesn’t mean you can do basic tasks, like walk correctly.

When he reaches your house, he types in the keycode, your first dogs birthday, being glad that you, him and Makki have each other’s memorized.

He leads you into you house setting you on the couch, petting your dogs that ran up to him.

“Mommy’s not feeling too good” He said giving them the affection they deserved.

“Yes I am.” You slurred getting them attention on you now.

He walked over to your counter putting on the playlist that you two made together on shuffle, High fashion being the first to play. You didn’t like when it was quiet because too many thoughts would run though your head. You were in no way sad, singing the lyrics while you were laughing barely being able to hold yourself up as proof.

Remembering you were tired, he takes you off the couch and borderline carries you to your room, , setting you on your plush blankets that you had so many of because it was warm and comfy.

 “Easy, there. Try to sit up.”He said, trying to ask you what draws your pj’s were in because he didn’t want to snoop around; neither of you being bothered that you were half naked, what’s the difference between panties and a bikini, he thought remembering the times you’ve been to the beach together.  

Well it was maybe the fact that you were clinging onto him because u stumbled into him and he was closest stable thing around and you wouldn’t let go because it was cold and you couldn’t stop shaking.

 He ignores his thoughts and grabs the shirt he got out figuring you don’t need to change your bra because you told him and Makki that it was normal to keep it on for a few days after they were in awe as you were explaining how expensive they were. You calling Oikawa’s girlfriend to prove your point as she immediately agreed with you…Sometimes you might have got a little too comfortable with them.

You hear the song in the background change to Love Songs, you humming along, “Hope you smile when you listen.”

You were still holding on to him, your boobs squeezing against him, him only being able to put a t-shirt on you, while you looked up at him with your red glossy eyes making him burn up.  

You fidget timidly with your face now in his chest while gripping his sweater. Trying to build up the little courage you had. He tilts your head up making you look at him, wondering what you were thinking about.

  You try to express yourself, but you can’t get the words out him having no idea what is going on in your head at the moment.

“It’s okay to be nervous sometimes. Tell me” He gently says reading your body language. He was intuitive, so there was no way you could hide your feelings from him.

But you knew you could trust him, him having full self-control, always staying collected and following through on what he said he’d do.  He went out of his way to avoid any friction coming between you two, him never raising his voice or starting an argument.

“We need to talk.” You started. “About something important.”

“Ok…What is it?” He questioned rubbing his hands on your back. You were so nervous, were you really about to say this? Confess your feelings that you’ve pushed to the back of your heart for so long?

“I… I l… I love your face. And the stuff in it. and around it.” You spoke, being surprised you did it stutter.

He stood there, hands stopped moving trying to process what you just said.

“Just you, in general…”  You finally confess trying to state three things at once barely getting your words out.

But he understood exactly what you meant, or maybe he was warping what you said to fit what he wanted.

  "I don’t even know when I started liking you, but this shit won't go away." You restated

  Nope. He clearly just heard you say that.

  He doesn’t understand what’s so different about today. Yall have been in this scenario multiple times taking care of each other, sometimes including another into the mix.  

You didn’t understand either. You just felt like the time was right, even though you know it wasn’t the best idea to confess while you were drunk off your ass.

But you couldn’t help it, your feelings overflowing, which you never until this day let get the best of you, being vulnerable and trusting is not your usual . Youve never even had a crush on anyone, him being to only in your whole life to make you blush.

  Who you been vibin' wit and why I can't make you mine?

  You should have seen the signs that you feel for him when he helped that lady that lives down the street from him set up her Christmas lights or when he first met your dog that wasn’t fond of men, but it instantly liked him. And you loved his selflessness it was something you admired and applauded.

  “y/n” He tries talking you down, making sure you weren’t just saying this because of alcohol, deep down knowing he felt the same, you always being in the back of his mind.

You were generous with your time too, always being there for him. You knew he was softer than he appeared, he was tender, sensitive and vulnerable. He tried his hardest to not get into situations where anyone would get hurt, like breakups, arguments, and so on.

Which is why he won’t make the first move. He pushes his feelings to the back of his head. He values your friendship more than anything, but he can see what develops. If love is meant to be, it will happen.

I told you I am down for the worse or the better. But I keep sticking to you cause them four stupid letters

    “You make me so happy. And I’ll always care about you. Okay? He says breaking the silence, trying to reassure you.  

  “You mean so much to me—something I can’t even put into words because nothing can compare- I’ve wanted you since that day you tripped and bust your ass in the school hallway I still want you even though you drive me insane.”

  “Iss-“ You tried to get out only to have him continue talking over you.

  "I love that you can’t leave the house without a jacket. I love the wrinkles that appear on your forehead after you call me crazy. I love that it takes you hours to get ready. I love that you always know how to make me feel better. I love that even when you don’t agree with my decisions you always trust me to make them.  I love that when I spend a day with you, I can still smell you on my clothes; and I love that you are the last person I think of  before I go to sleep at night."

  You stood there awestruck for what feels like eternity until you mustered the bravery to speak “I didn’t expect you to feel the same way-” You said, being dumbfounded because from what you’ve seen treats everyone “nice”, were you really getting special treatment?

  He tilts your chin up, locking his dark eyes with yours. “Baby I don’t know if your notice but you and Makki are my only people that aren’t my family that call me my first name.”

He has a point. You think pushing yourself more into him, trying to fuse your bodies together to hide, not relaxing what you were doing to him. He tries to nudge your legs to the side but you won’t let go still clinging onto him.

“fuck” He groans. You pulling back wondering why until you looked down and noticed. A smirk appeared on your face as you reattached your self to him like velcro. You were feeling bold, the liquid courage still in your system driving you to slide your fingers down his chest, looking him in the eyes before stopping at his waistband.  

He knows what you’re doing, him being in this position multiple times. Does he really want to ruin your friendship like this? He hasn’t even asked you to be his girlfriend. He tries to push you off him already knowing you were gonna complain. But what he didn’t expect was for you to whimper out his name in that pretty voice of yours.

 He tried to keep his calm, blood already rushing down. “You know what you’re doing”

“yeah” You start.

“y’don’t want me?” Giving him your pouty face that you know he’s weak for, hoping that’ll work, insecurity piling up. Was it because your boobs weren’t that big or that fact that you were dressed like man? Was he not attracted to you right now, only liking you when you were dolled up?

“Fuck” You think. You should have worn something cute instead of dressing like a whole ass man even with your makeup fully done. Its not like you were supposed to know you were gonna get fucked today.

His were burning holes into you now, thinking of how to say “No, I would be more that happy to fuck you!” to his best friend, soon regaining his consciousness finally speaking.

“Fuck no doll, ive wanted you for a minute. You know me better than I know myself. How did you not notice my feelings?”

 You got me singing love songs, love songs, love songs

“You’re really hard to read” You replied trying to maintain your seductive act, resting your hands back on his chest.

“So are you.” He said lowering his head, you still looking up at him, taking in your gleaming eyes.

Sex ain't the only thing that's on my mind But you get me so excited, whoa

Your heart was beating so wildly that you could only take little sips of breath. His hands running down your waist stopping at your hips.

“Can I kiss you?" He asks "...yeah” you attempted to say as confidently as you could, nodding your head along with it.

His face bent down, hot mouth breathing over you. His lips slowly moved, brushing over yours, the liquor on his lips that you hated; only choosing fruity drinks even though you got relentlessly teased you for it.  You pushed further into the kiss desperately wanting more. Your teeth clicking his from being impatient, wanting to suck him in. Your hands sliding under his shirt subconscious desires reaching out.

Irreplaceable Tattoos from your neck that drop down to your ankles

“You’re drunk…” he says snapping you out of your trance.

“So are you.”

He dove in for another kiss much more passionate than the previous one, arguably needy, pusing you on the bed to which you more than happily comply. He tugs back not letting his mind get the best of him, disconnecting your spit trial leaving you panting. “You sure this alright?” He says deep down hoping you still say yes.

  You pull him back for your answer, your grabby little hands working their way back up his shirt. He gets the hint and pauses your lips rendezvous, taking off the turtleneck that he looked oh so good in, before seeing his unclothed body.  You’re admiring his body in a new way, before just complimenting him whenever he got a new tattoo, now up under him tracing them like a lovestruck teenager.

“When did you get this one?” You quietly ask, his ears closer to you than they’ve ever been.

“I got it that day you faked sick”

“What! You said were gonna take me!” You sulked, turning your head away from his as much as you could, crossing your arms.

He let out a slight laugh before gently taking your face in his hands, guiding you back into the kiss.

This is not really what he imagined for your first time. He’s an old-fashioned romantic who likes to take one step at a time. But then again nothing was ever normal with you. That said, when he falls in love, he falls deep.

“You’ve done this before?” You uttered.

“Hmm?” He mumbles, unmoving his lips from you kissing you, moving towards your neck.

“You still with that other girl?”

“No. I broke it off her, everything that came out of her mouth was bullshit, and no she wasn’t my girlfriend.”

“You didn’t trust her? You added. Trying to distract him until you could think of a way you could say “hey in my 21 years of life I’ve never got passed kissing a guy.”

“Our relationship was purely built on lies, I’d second guess everything she said. He replied, wondering if you were interrogating him.

“Why’d you wanna know?” He asked bringing his face up from your skin.

“…No one’s ever touched me like this, fuck.” You bashfully admitted, thoughts racing through your head that he didn’t want you anymore because you weren’t experienced.

But he knew what was running through that pretty head of yours, his fingers reaching out to with your hair trying to comfort you.

“You’re a virgin?” He curiously asked dragging his hand to your cheek, you leaning into it.

“y-yeah” you muttered trying to move your eyes away from his looking down at his body.

“I thought you had a boyfriend before” he said, softly turning your jaw to make you look at him. Your eyes diverted from his arms back to his eyes.

“We weren’t actually dating” You quickly say trying to clear up the misunderstanding. “He was my friend and seatmate that pretended to be my fake boyfriend to get me out of some trouble” you spewed out “and I guess I forgot to tell everyone that it was fake.”

“Even if we were that doesn’t mean we fucked.” You sheepishly replied.

“So… what trouble did your fake boyfriend get you out of.” He questioned knowing how much trouble it must have been for you, miss independent, to go to such lengths.

“Umm, well…this guy wouldn’t stop flirting with me even after I told him I don’t like him, even following me to my other classes.”

He wasn’t surprised, you were definitely a sight for sore eyes, in fact the prettiest thing he’s laid his eyes on, your beaming eyes, your dimple when you smiled, your pretty face, your “ugly” laugh, he could go on for days.

“Why are we talking about this” You whined, reaching your hand back out to him.

He took a hint and continued kissing you, bringing you closer to him while you attempted to take you shirt off. His hands helping you seeing as that you were struggling, being lost in his touch, finishing by moving you up more on you bed, pushing your plushies out of the way, to your protested because “they had feelings too.”

He ignored you, bending down to pull your panties off stopping once he saw the slick coming through them.

“Fuck baby you’re wet” He breathed dragging his fingers across your clothed slit earing a whimper from you, leaving his fingers drenched.

 Shawty, you wanna feel good, I wanna feel good too Don't I make you feel good?

“M’always wet.” you responded.

From what? He questions taking off your soaked cotton panties, tossing them to the side.

“From me?” He smirks bringing his hand back towards your heat. You not even comprehending what he just said, just knowing that you’re ashamed of how worked up you were getting.

You were in awe. You’ve always known his hands were big, but in this situation your mind wondered. His fingers were so much bigger than yours knowing you can barely fit two inside your with out it hurting, and not in a good way.

“Do you know how pretty you are? It’s honestly distracting.”. He says kissing down your whole body, stopping at your breasts, licking lazily around and coming back to the nub. The attention on your nipples making you squirm and he finally lets go, you grateful that he stopped or you would have almost cum, how embarrassing.

“I thought you said were gonna get them pierced” He remembered, you going on a whole rant about how cute they were.

“You said u were gnna get em with me” You looked back on, reminding yourself making him promise to get them with you because you were too scared of the pain.

“That was the same day you played sick and I got that tattoo.” He stated lightening the mood, hoping you can calm yourself down before you actually embarrass yourself.

He picks back up and continues kissing all the way down your body, you playing with his hair while biting your lip to muffle your moans and whine until he reaches your entrance.

He parted your legs, your pussy laid out before him, believing you no have reason to be shy about it either. He paused, admiring your swollen cunt and puffy clit, you were beautiful.

The feeling that he didn't want anyone else ever in his position overtook him. He let out a little breath on your clit and you thrashed around. He wasn't going to play. “I’ll take care of you.”

His lips travel over your skin, light and heated before settling himself between your legs, grabbing you by your thighs and dragging you closer. “That tickles.” you giggle, nerves making you kick your legs, almost hitting him in the face before he grabs them. He puts them down locking your legs with his arms, lowering himself until he’s on the ground facing you.

“Does it make you nervous when I stare?” he teases while your covering your face trying to hide the blush he caused.  He puts his mouth on you, quickly gripping your thighs, his hands leaving imprints in your skin dragging you even more into him, deprived kisses taking over your body. 

“yer so pretty” You purred seeing the sight of his big build between your legs, your fingers grabbing onto his curly dark locks, tugging them.

  Issei moans, his voice radiating through your body, forcing out a cry, blessing him with your pretty voice. “I-Issei!” You cry, never feeling like this before, your vibrator and hands doing it no justice.

“Shh, just look at me, doll.”

You can barely make out what he says, so drunk on pleasure. You try your best, doing anything to see the pretty man beneath you. But you get interrupted by your pleasure, your back arching not being able to control your body, grinding down to meet his lips, heat rising in you.

He kisses through your wetness playing with your bud. You choking on your spit, back arching again your body tensing up. “Issei,” You beg, grabbing him knowing what you want but not being able to express it. Luckily he can read you like an open book, knowing what you want, driving you over the edge as he makes you see stars. “Good girl,” he sighs when he feels you let go of his wrist letting him bring you your first orgasm.

“Look at your thighs shaking so much.” He teasingly cooed, wrapping his hands around them, bringing you out of your daze.

Shawty, your body is so exciting

Arching your back into the blankets, letting out a whine “Want your fingers.”.

He lets out a condescending laugh. “You need to learn to be patient. You just came and you’re already so eager for more?”

But by the time he finished your body went limp, you were totally weak, body loose-limbed and pliant. Your mind clouded by lust and deep in your own world. You gasped out a little sob, unable to comprehend anything beyond the discomfort and the need to have it gone. You can’t think straight all you can do is take action, grabbing his arm him easing his fingers into to you.

It’s not too tight, is it?” you ask clenching around his fingers.

 “Just relax… let yourself feel it” He says barely being able to move in you. Fuck so were so tight.

“I love the way you look with my fingers inside you.” He added starting to thrust them inside you, making you let out a string of moans.

“Look how good you take it.”  

“Fuck, you’re so messy.” He groaned feeling the slick running down his hands, before taking them out.

“Issei-i,” You cried when he pulled away, pleasure leaving you, tears coming back.

  He shushes you easily, his fingers wiping your tears. You were so precious to him, your moans music to his ears.  He slows down repositioning his fingers, making you let out a whimper squeezing around them. Your brains so crowded you can’t focus, can’t gather the strength to speak when he thrust them faster inside you.

  Your eyes rolled to the back of your head as you fell back, fingers curling inside you, chanting his name over and over, incoherent words coming out of your mouth begging for more. 

You pussy tightens as you cum, unable to breath, letting out gasps and whines. Him still fucking you, fingers not stopping, pushing them in and out relentlessly feeling both pain and pleasure. You lay there, wet in your own cum not giving yourself a break before you went and got what you really wanted, his cock.

His eyes followed the movement of your hands as they pushed down his boxers, revealing the length of his cock, that jutted proudly from his hips. He was so pretty, so virile and handsome. Wondering how lucky you were to be in such a position with him.

You pushed away those thoughts and focused on him, pulling him forward gently, but he followed his encouragement. One of his hands tilted his cock down toward your lips. “Open your mouth for me, baby.”

You parted them instantly, tongue sliding slightly outward, and then you whimpered as the warm weight of his cock slid into your mouth. You let your eyes flutter closed and swirled your tongue around the tip of his cock not knowing exactly what you were doing, but it was working, tasting the salty tang of the precum that wept from his leaking slit. You moved your tongue as the he put his hand into your hair, gripping the strands and pushing deeper into his mouth.

“You look so good on your knees like that. “He says meeting your eyes once again, almost cumming from the picture below him.

“Slowly, baby, I’m not going anywhere.” He says slowing you down by grabbing your hair, making a pace that you follow.

“Yeah, that’s it, baby, just like that.” Seeing that sinful look in your eyes with your redden swollen lips.

You moan feeling yourself drip down your thighs, getting even wetter giving him head. Trying to ease the discomfort by closing your legs, griding them together, trying to find some friction. Your ears hearing “That’s so fucking hot.” watching the scene unfold beneath him.

Your jaw hurts, trying got make him cum faster using your hands and lips together hollowing your cheeks. “Oh fuck, oh, Jesus, fuck yes, there, just like that, fucking Christ" he groans out, his voice sounded beautiful to your ears, knowing he was about to cum.

He finally lets go cumming in your mouth, you swallowing it all, trying not to wince at the taste. “Did I do good” You ask waiting for his reply. Your doll eyes, so red and worn out looking up at him for approval. Fuck he was whipped.

“Yeah…fuck baby”

I love when you get on top and you ride it

You get back under him, his cock resting on you, drenched and clenching around nothing, resting in your cum. You working yourself up against him.

“What makes you think I’m going to fuck you?” He says to your complaint.

“You’re not ready yet.” he mumbles against your whining. Spreading your legs, slapping your clit a few times before letting his cock rest on your folds. Finally getting “seated” he picks up your legs and puts them both on one of his shoulders your thighs warming his cock, your knees touching his cheek not moving, getting a kick out of how desperate your were for him.

“s-stop being mean” You cried reaching out for him to come closer, needing affection after all you’ve been though.

“Aww, poor baby, you want me to take care of it for you? He says leaning into you, reaching your kiss, tasting the remnants of the cum in your mouth.

He plundered your mouth and slowly teased his cock over your entrance, catching it against your clit and making you whimper into the kiss, clearly wanting to be fucked. Your kiss turned you sucking on Issei’s tongue and lips, biting the swollen pout until his lips were red and puffy. He pulled back and looked down at you, a beautiful mess under him.

His fat cock head pushed between your folds. The moan escaping both of your lips was primal. You were turned on beyond imagination and the way he was thrusting forward, spreading his leaking precum on your wet clit was almost too much. He quickly picked up his pace fucking your folds, his warm head brushing against your clit with every movement, but your greedy self wanted more.

The fact that he made you cum so easily made you proud. Just because you’ve never gone this far with someone else doesn’t mean you’ve never cum, you’ve had a lot of practice over the years, being insatiable, the sheets soaked underneath you from your previous orgasms being proof.

“Keep your eyes open, look at me, baby.” He moans getting your attention him.

You tried, you really tried, but the way he was stroking you, imagining what it’d be like to actually sit on his cock, the lewd sounds echoing in the background leaving you unable to focus.

He taps on your cheek eventually getting you look at him, keeping your mind on him by placing his fingers in your mouth you letting him, hazily sucking on them, not being able to close your mouth.

“Oh, baby, you’re drooling everywhere.” He grumbles. Your spit dripping onto his fingers, the friction of your thighs making him feral, moving at an even faster pace. Your body bouncing with every thrust.

“You gonna cum after I cum on your little clit? Come one more time for me, I know you’ve got it in you.” You sob feeling the puddle beneath you, time slowing, fire pooling in your tummy.  Listening to his words you let yourself go. You come with a silent scream as the pleasure ripped through your body, your nails scratching his soft skin. Your vison fading to black feeling him lose his rhythm and moaning a mixture of curse words along with your name, feeling him cum on your tummy before resting his head in your neck while letting your legs go.

“So good for me, look at how much you came.” He says breaking the static. You whining into his shoulder, emotions high, never doing this before.

“I know, baby, I know. I’m right here, just breathe.” He says. You two laying in silence for an unclear amount of time, him rubbing your back while you rest in his chest almost dozing off.

“Are we still…friends?” You croak out trying to hold back your sobs already knowing the answer that you two were defiantly not friends now and never would be just friends again.

“Friends don’t do this type of shit” He maintained grabbing your shoulders to sit you and him up. You were worried, did he only do this with you because he was drunk? You were anxious that you scared him away because you just poured your heart out to him and pushed yourself on him. You left your head down, tears already coming out to your dismay. You moved your hand up to wipe them but he beat you to it.

“Look at me… I love you.” He says holding your cheeks in his palm. You in awe, hoping that you weren’t imagining it, that this was real life.

“R-really” You question making him worry too, preferring to forgive and forget rather than letting this a divide between the two of you in case you went back on your feelings. You were so overwhelmed, never feeling love until this moment, so happy that the person you longed for liked you back. Yours tears running once again.

 “Shh, shh, it’s alright...Don’t cry.”

You don’t even know why you were crying, the hangover already getting to you making you get a headache. You groaning in his arms complaining that your head and throat hurt.

“Ill be back” he says detaching himself from you, letting you know he was coming right back.

He walks to your fridge opening it to see every drink but water, having too dig through all of them, especially the absurd amount of apple juice guessing it was your “once a year craving for it”. He finally got you some cold water, putting It in a cup and waked back to your room.

  “Issei” you whined not picking your head up from the pillow.

  “Shh baby im right here.”

  He sat down beside you on your bed lifting your head up. “Here drink this” he reassured, to which you ignored not wanting anything to go in your mouth, just wanting the day, or night as it was now, to end.

  “It’s just water, honey, look.” You sat yourself up with his help seeing him in just his boxers, you remembering your still naked, not caring enough to cover yourself. He held to glass to your mouth, babying you, tilting it far back enough to where you could drink it. The water hit the back of your mouth feeling like a shot making you cough.

“I know, it hurts. I’m sorry but we have to” He stated. You continued to drink it, feeling the stinging in the back of your throat, him comforting you, calling you “good girl” which was unsurprisingly working.

  He put the cup on your dresser when you finished, climbing back into bed with you leaning your body into his. “Have you ever thought about...us? Y’know, as an...item?” he said causing you to look at him with wide eyes.

 “Call me selfish, but I don’t ever want anyone else to touch you.” He insisted making you cheeks flush. You try to think of a way to respond, not wanting to keep him waiting.

“You’re the best thing that has, and ever will, happen to me. Not only am I deeply in love with you, you’re my best friend.” You stammer out, your shaky hands somehow made there way to his neck, letting them fall slowly before he grabs them dragging you in for a kiss before you got to even see his face.

“Everybody has always thought we’re a couple.” He continued taking his time kissing you all over your face. “Then I guess we should be.” You retort, kissing him back before you could see his reaction, not wanted to be embarrassed anymore today. But he caught you, holding you still “Really “y/n? Like deadass?” He asked.

  “Yes dummy, I want to be your girlfriend” You say causing him to grin swearing you’ve never seen him smile that big, before he gives you one last kiss.

  “I always kiss you on the cheek, why are you blushing now? He teases laying back down, you following along. You just snuggle into him mumbling something along the lines of “m’tired”, he understanding and speaking to you in a soft, gentle voice while helping you to bed, so he doesn’t make it harder for you to sleep by being loud. “I’m here love, I’m not going anywhere.” He whispers into your ear mkanig your heart swoon one last time before you pass out.

  “I l-love you issei.” You sleepily mumble.

“Tell me this when you’re sober.” He says stroking your head.

“Just relax, close your eyes...”He murmurs, your heart beating slower every second. Both of you together, lazy, slow presses. Limbs pressed together, chests heaving, fingers trailing down backs, tracing lazy patterns.

  “Oh!…” He remembers. “If you really wanna get them pierced, we could get matching ones.”

© all content belongs to spikesbimbo. do not alter or repost .

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: May 15th Part 1

It’s been longer than usual since our last answer session, so I’m answering a ton of questions today! It’s so big I split it into two parts. Thank you for the patience on getting a response to these.

Thanks for reaching out to us with your questions and kind words ^^!

Sorry if this has been asked before or isn't something you can say but is there anyway for Cove to confess in step 4? I wanted him to confess in step 3 and followed all the steps to make him do it but ended up texting my family instead of Cove at the end.

Yeah, Cove can confess in Step 4!

Hello! I heard that Cove is on the spectrum, albeit undiagnosed. As someone who is ND, this makes me UNBELIEVABLY happy. I literally was brought to tears! Thank you for that!

Out of curiosity, will Cove be diagnosed in Step 4? I have a strong feeling y’all won’t make it a HUGE deal/make it out to be negative, so I’m not worried about that whatsoever! I’m just curious just he’ll off handedly mention it? Or will it just not be touched upon at all (which is ok!)?

Either way is ok, I’m just curious!

I’m happy it made you happy! Admittedly, Cove simply being someone with autism that grew up not being diagnosed was something I included for myself. I didn’t really think anyone would notice or ask about it, aha. But players did start to have questions about his traits, so I started to talk about it outside of the game. It’s great to see it get such a positive response and now I do feel like having it be a non-topic may have been the wrong choice and bringing it up would’ve been good in terms of having positive representation for that. I don’t know if I’ll find a way to mention it in Step 4 now, with how far along the game is, but I am at least thinking about it when originally it wasn’t something I really even considered.

Hey!  Just wanted to say thank you for Our Life.  It's been a bright spot and a needed escape in what's otherwise been a crummy year.  I know you just did a Q&A post but I figured I'd ask anyway.  Was just curious about Step 4.  Will it be similar to the other Steps in that it consists of several different moments or will it just be one long sequence?

Step 4 is shorter than the prior Steps because it’s just an epilogue rather than a full arc of a story. It’ll consist of scenes that all happen in a set row one after the other. There won’t be a collection of Moments to choose from. But it’ll still be very sweet and fun.

¡hola!, you see, first I want to say that I love Our Life! (°◡°♡) and I have 2 important questions, would Cove cry watching titanic? and what is the saddest part according to him? (sorry for my english) 

Titanic would make him cry. He’d probably think the parts showing people who aren’t able to make it to the life boats/are choosing to stay and go down with the ship were the saddest.

Hello, I wanted to ask how much you earn with creating games? Like is it possible to make a living? Thank you >< <3 

How much I earn varies a lot month to month based on Steam sales, Patreon backers, and how many projects are in full production at the time. It’s also hard to say how much I make historically, since that also changes dramatically year by year. But I do earn enough to work on these games full time! I really appreciate all the support that allows me to do that.

Hey!! I was wondering for the 18+ Our Life moment, will there be an emphasis on safety/comfort for all involved? I feel like there  would be just going off of what the rest of the game is like, but I wanted to ask 

Yes! Cove is a nervous boy himself and also super cautious about doing anything the MC doesn’t like, so clear consent from both is absolutely needed for anything to happen. It’s a conversational sexy times Moment with stops/starts so the two can talk about how they’re feeling, rather than a heat of the moment just going for it kind of thing.

Hey!! I was wondering how long the wedding dlc would be? Will it be broken up into moments, or just one big event? 

It’s one long series of scenes all in a row rather than a collection of Moments to pick from. It’s the shortest and the least expensive of all the DLCs. It’s not super crucial to get and those who aren’t into big weddings can totally skip it without worry.

HELLO AMAZING DEVS 👋 i am hopelessly in love with the worst guy ever (jeremy king) and because of this i have a really stupid question: does he really hate people who are nice to him? TvT he’s too cute to be mean to istg it’s a miracle JB held the urge to be consistently nice to him bc just look at his FACE he is so cute! thank you for jeremy’s route it’s so lovely (and awful bc he’s scum 11/10) it gave me so much laughs LMAO i hope you guys have a good day!! 

Haha, thank you. He doesn’t hate them but he’s certainly not pleased with them. Jeremy is either uncomfortable with or annoyed by people being sweet on him, depending on how they approach it. He’s far more comfortable with jerkiness. It lets him relax and he can be himself without it being a problem, since he’s also a jerk. He feels a level of guilt being such a little punk to kind people, not enough to be a better person but still.

Has Cove dated or been interested in someone other than MC? 

Nope! He stays single over the course of the game if he’s not with the MC.

Is Step 4 more mature? Or it's gonna be set in similar atmosphere as Step 3? 

Step 4 is a similar atmosphere as Step 3. Though, it’s actually kind of less mature-topic heavy than Step 3 since it’s just a ‘hey, let’s check in on the gang to see what they’re up to’ style epilogue rather than a story arc with serious issues.

will there be new music for now and forever?? or will the old our life music be reused? 

It’s gonna be a brand new soundtrack. We’ll be opening up a job position for that soon.

Hi, is it okay if we use the assets in Our Life (like the sprites) for fanworks or fan content content, like edits? 

Sure! Just as long as you don’t use the assets made by those artists to make money.

Quick clarification on Step 3 choices: I hope I didn't come off rude (because I LOVE the game, really!!), I was just curious because the intro threw me off at times. For example, you could choose how you felt about Elizabeth in Step 2 (Dinner), but during the Step 3 intro, it says that you got closer to Liz and I didn't get a choice in it. 

For the example, it can’t be helped that you’re closer to Liz in Step 3 than you were in Step 2 because she’s inherently closer to the MC regardless of whether you liked her or not in Step 2. Her feelings are out of your control and the game isn’t so dramatic that you can push her affection away and not let her bond with you, haha. But ‘being closer’ can still be relative. For some people maybe that means you’re best buds now and for others it might just mean you’re not fighting all the time any more. If there’s other parts you want to mention, feel free to let us know.

Did the illustrator for Our Life change? 

We have many OL artists! The main artists who set the game’s style haven’t changed, but there’s multiple other artists who help finish assets.

So Miranda's type is confident and outgoing, huh? So...does that mean Terri's her type?? 👀 

Haha, sorry for the late reply on this. As you might’ve seen in our post yesterday- yeah that is her type.

Hey! First, I just want to say I've really enjoyed how detailed OL got with gender identity and sexuality and how respectful the topics were handled! It's been so wonderful to play since the experiences could be close to my own (I'd be lying if I said I didn't tear up at parts). Second, I was wondering, would future games explore the topic of polyamory? I'd love to see more visual novels allow room for that and I saw you've explored the topic before.

Keep up the amazing work! ♡

Thank you! We do want to include polyamory in at least some of our future projects. Floret Bond, which might be what you’re referring to when mentioning how we’ve explored the topic before, is on hold unfortunately. So right now I’m not sure when something might release or what will be the first game of ours to come out with poly relationships (we might do something else before FB is done). We’ll have see how things ends up coming together.

Hey um. I feel like im not allowed to ask this on the private discord cuz people will yell at me but why is there so much focus on OL2 and not finishing OL1 stuff? I like the new people but i kind of want to finish cove's story and get derek and baxter stuff first. didn't people pay for it? 

I’m sorry, I don’t understand entirely what’s making that situation a concern. There’s a channel in the discord for critique where no one is allowed to comment back. People can voice things they’re worried about without any way for others to push back on it. And the two teams working on the OL games are different. We try to post pretty often about how we’re hiring brand new people to start on Our Life: Now & Forever. The OL1 team is all still working on OL1 like normal. There’s only more updates on the Patreon for OL2 because the expansions to the first game are mostly script-based at this point while OL2 is just starting to get all its art, which means there’s a lot more to show off as previews.

Also, there was a Kickstarter for the first Our Life, if that’s what you mean by people paying for it. But one of the stretch goals was to start Our Life 2 early, before fully completing Our Life 1, so that the new game could be out sooner. It wouldn’t make sense to stop doing OL2 work because that would be going against what backers were promised. Maybe you didn’t get the full story before and hopefully this clears it up!

Hello! I know it's up to every player but.. What is your recommendation for playing order? Did you ever had any timeline  events planned? 

I didn’t make the events with a planned timeline. The events got made simply as I had ideas for them and then I just kind of organized them from left to right on the screen in an order to space out more dramatic ones between more lighthearted ones. Any order the player wants to go with is totally valid!

Hi! It's Step 4 a paid dlc or update? And how long it's planned to be? Ps. Love the game! 

The Step 4 epilogue is free! The Cove Wedding DLC does cost money, though. Those are planned to be shorter than the usual Steps/DLCs.

Will we have options for what sort of job the MC might have by the time step 4 takes place? 

Yeah, you can. It’s not super exact or detailed, but there are options about it.

Is there a pandemic in Our Life world, or is it just in a better timeline with no pestilence? 

Our Life is pandemic-free! That didn’t exist when we began working on the project and it’s not something we’d like to feature in this story now that it has unfortunately come along, aha.

Hi, you said that you can play tic-tac-toe or hangman with Cove in Boating if you're sick/scared but I keep getting tic-tac-toe. Am I doing something wrong?

After being sick/scared you have to continue to be upset/unwell. If you calm down and decide to just chill you’ll end up playing tic-tac-toe.

Hi, GB Patch! Since Lee was initially commissioned to only appear in two Steps does this mean she won't appear in the Wedding DLC? I really like her character so it'll be a little weird to not have our cousin at our wedding, aha.

She is gonna be in Step 4/the wedding DLC after all! We’re still working with her creator to make sure it fits with what they wanted.

Is Sunset Bird based on a real place? Asking for a friend, not trying to move there or anything. 👀

It’s based on small beach towns in So-Cal, but not one specific town you could go see in real life, I’m afraid. It’d be nice if it was real, though.

—– —– —– —–

We released a new FAQ! It answers common questions and we’ll keep adding more to it. Please check there before sending an ask. FAQ   Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

[hermit-god-au-pog]

[OLD AND MAY BECOME NON-CANON LATER ON] Got some short stories for ya’ll!

After much struggle i managed to think of some more lore based prompts for some short stories! They’ll be under the cut!

One of a conversation between Helsknight and EvilXisuma, the other of an interaction between TFC and GeminiTay! What can i say im a sucker for these two. The stuff is only slightly proof-read by myself so sorry for any mistakes in grammer or if things sound weird lol

Anyway, I hope ya’ll enjoy! And if i need to add any tw’s just say! I dont think i will though! Long post under the cut though

EX&Hels have a conversation

“So let me get this straight,” Helsknight sat up in his seat and leaned on the table between the two” You’re not considered a hels hermit at all?” Evil Xisuma rolls his eyes but chuckles at the other, he doesn’t blame him for not knowing, hell the only ones who probably knew were him and Grian’s little buddies.

“No, I am not a hels hermit like you. But, I work very similarly. Me personally, I’m the axolotl’s evil clone according to my code. But, and I can’t speak for the others, I still fill up the role of why a hels is created.” Helsknight slowly blinked at the other and rose an eyebrow.

“What is that supposed to mean exactly?” Evil X let out a snort at the other’s question.

“Well basically, Hels exist for one reason, to keep the gods, or hermits as we know them, in check. Granted they’re all too nice to do anything we’d do, but the point still stands. Hels are here to counteract the hermits, and the Axolotl doesn’t have a hels per say because I exist. But that’s not stopping the void from making a hels version if need be.” Helsknight leaned back and crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes at Evil X.

“Ok, so because you already existed, the void didn’t make a counterpart for the admin. But what do you mean it could make another? Why would we need a third Xisuma?” Evil X tapped his chin as he thinks of what he should say.

“Well, let’s just say the void has already planned for that” Helsknight could feel the shit-eating grin the other was giving him. But Evil X gestures to another person in the room. Helsknight, begrudgingly, decided to look, and see’s what the other was talking about. There was a turtle Xisuma sitting at a bar, but he looked almost vacant, like an NPC almost.

“Now, I’ve never talked to that guy, and based on the interactions they’ve had with others, he’s entirely just a placeholder, an NPC ready to be coded into action.” Helsknight turned back to Evil X who was looking at him now.”But unless something happens to me, I keep the role of a ‘hels counterpart’ even though I’m not a hels.” Blinking, helsknight picked up his drink, downing the rest of its contents, this was a very weird conversation they were having but, informative. Then something struck him.

“You said something about others earlier” Evil X feigned innocence and confusion, making helsknight growl.

“Earlier this conversation! You said ‘ But, and I can’t speak for the others, I still fill up the role of why a hels is created’. There are others who aren’t technically hels hermits on the server?” Evil X snorted then started laughing. Helsknight slammed his hands on the table and stood up.

“No! I’m serious! Who the hell are the others?!” After Evil X got done with his laughing fit, he pretended to wipe away some tears.

“You really are dense my friend” before the other could reply, Evil X continued” The only ones I personally know of, are actually Grian’s-”

“You said that using plurals, does Grian seriously have 2?” Helsknight looked at the other bewildered as he nodded.

“Indeed he does my friend. I don’t entirely understand it myself. One calls themself NpcGrian, or NPG for short, the other one calls themself Robot Grian or RG for short. And between us, RG is definitely the eviler and smarter one of the two. He’s probably the one considered the hels version.” Helsknight slumped back in his seat and rubbed his temple, letting out a heavy sigh.

“Alright, to get away from that confusing topic, you said hels were made to counter the gods?” Evil X nodded.

“Yee-p” popping the p at the end, Evil X leaned forward.” All the gods being together in one space can be seen as quite a dangerous predicament, and if they ever decided to team up and rise up for some reason, no one would know before it’s too late. So to try and stop that, keep the gods on their toes and aware, the hels were made. You were one of the first to become sentient and seek out your counterpart actually”

Helsknight looked at the other for a moment then realized something. Something that didn’t settle right with him.

“How do you know all of this information? I’m pretty sure not even Xisuma knows this crap.” Hels rose an eyebrow as the other’s expression got darker behind the mask he wore.

“Let’s just say, being locked in the void for ages gives you some free time. And the ability to look through your and your clone’s codes, even though I was never able to edit them.” Huh, well that made sense.

TFC helps Gem out/aka being a god is overwhelming

    Sometimes, to really appreciate the world you live in, you just gotta walk around. Taking in the sights of what the world holds and what your fellow hermits have made. And honestly, TFC is usually blown away by how talented the hermits are. He may not be much of a builder himself, but he’s happy they’ve kept him along the way nonetheless. Little ol’ miner TFC, walking amongst godly builders, figuratively and literally.

    Sometimes on TFC’s walks, he’ll come across other hermits, not often, but it’s always pleasant when he does. TFC admits, he should get out to talk to the others more, but he can’t help it. The mines make him feel at home. But today, walking into one of the newer hermits areas, he had a bad feeling in his gut.

    Deciding to stray from the path TFC decided to look around the area, a bit more in dept. And low and behold, once getting close to one of the new hermits custom trees, he heard soft, stifled crying. Like they were trying to cover it up. Eyes softening, TFC went over to the home next to this wonderful tree and knocked, before letting himself peek inside.

    GeminiTay sat in the corner, her head snapped up and it was obvious how overwhelmed and tired she looked. TFC gave a slight smile and walked inside, closing the door gently. Gemini watched tensely as TFC walked over, his pickaxe he used as a cane clicking with every step. But, TFC sat down next to her and softly asked.

    “Would physical touch help this situation or worsen it?” Seeing Gemini’s tears starting to well up more, TFC opened his arms, offering her a safe space. And she took it. Gemini scrambled to get up and hug the other. She didn’t know why his presence felt so...comforting, but it did, and once she started the hug, the floodgates were let loose. She couldn’t hold back her tears even if she tried.

    TFC held the young girl close, gently rubbing circles into her back as her whole frame shook and twitched. TFC did notice the leaves that moved like butterflies flying about in the home. He semi-watched them as he comforted the hermit in his arms, taking notes on the situation.

    Once TFC heard the girls’ cries soften and as her body became less shaky, he decided to start talking.

    “I understand if you’re too overwhelmed to talk right now, but was this panic caused by some aspect of your godly nature?” TFC waited patiently, and when he felt a soft nod on his shoulder he let out a little sigh.

    “You are one of the newest gods in general, not even to the server, have you been taught anything more than the basics yet?” a small shake of her head.”So you’re not yet in tune with who you are and the powers you possess, and due to that, something within you snapped, and you started hearing noises or voices, am I correct?” TFC could feel Gem tense like he had just read her mind, but she gave a soft nod. TFC looked around at the leaf butterflies, more seem to have gathered.

    “Are the voices still present? Have they gotten any louder or more intense?” With the soft nod, TFC was starting to understand a bit more. Gently sitting Gemini up, he made the corner they were in into a cozy one full of blankets and pillows. 

    Gemini then watched, rubbing her slightly puffed-up eyes, as TFC started to gather the leaf butterflies. Once he got a good amount he gently set them free outside. And the more he let go, the less overwhelmed Gemini felt. Once most of the creatures were out TFC made his way back over and sat across from Gemini.

    “Ready to talk?” Gemini nodded, sniffling and wiping away any stray tears. Taking a deep breath Gemini starts talking.

    “So...So I was just doing my normal routine, today I decided to do some enchanting. But then my tree, my /tree/ started talking to me and I got confused. So I went over and put a hand on the tree.”Gemini paused, breath hitching again. TFC gently held one of her hands, reassuring her to take her time. After catching her breath, Gem continued.

    “And..And then I...And then I heard all these voices and cries. Some were asking me for help, some were..thanking me? Some were crying, some cheering...But they all came at once and I couldn’t shut them off. Then I started hearing more despair than anything else and I... I couldn’t do it. My body got all fuzzy! And my eyes got blurry but different from tear blur. I felt my body...change. And so I ran in here. And I only started to feel my body go back to normal shortly before you came..” Gem panted softly when she was done, her tears back and starting to fall again. She was looking down at her feet.

    But when she felt a soft big hand on her cheek, whipping away her tears, she looked up. TFC gave her a gentle smile, a reassuring one, and, it honestly helped her more than she would have thought.

    “That my dear was your body being forced into its godly form. Every god has one, but most prefer not to be in them, as they can be taxing after long uses. But they’re nothing to be afraid of. You just went into it unwillingly.” Gemini nods softly, following along so far.”And if you would like, I can help you learn how to go into it and out of it, at will. I’ll do it with you.”

Gemini thought about it for a while. She didn’t know how long, but TFC never rushed her into deciding, only waiting patiently, giving her time to think. But, if she learned how to control that form, maybe it would be less frightening if this ever happened again. Gem then looked at TFC and gave a quick nod.

“Yea, ok. I, I want to learn how to control this...godly form of mine. But you’ll do it with me right?” TFC nodded and scooted so that they bot sat criss-cross, knees touching each other. TFC then gently held both of her hands.

“Ok, to start off with, think of why you became a god, and what you’re the god of. Think of what that means to you.” Gem nodded, closing her eyes as she held TFC’s hands. Furrowing her brows a bit Gemini thought.

Thought of the event that lead her to be a god, why she did what she did. She thought of what that event meant to her and why she would do it again. And she felt the tension in her shoulders released. Gem then thought of what it meant to be the goddess of the forest, what the responsibility and future actions might hold for her.

“Good, you’re doing great” TFC’s voice rang through her ears.”Now hold onto that feeling, clutch onto it, cherish it. Once you’ve done that, let go. Let yourself feel your body change, let it morph and melt into something new.”

Taking one more deep breath, Gem followed his instructions. The feeling her ‘job’ gave her, the hope she had for herself, and so on, she held it close to her heart, and let herself stop caring about the mortal plane for a bit. And she felt herself change. Like what happened earlier, but less jarring and harsh. She felt her body almost melt, felt it slither around while being on one spot. The feeling wasn’t unpleasant like it was before. It felt like shifting over in bed, something familiar.

“There we go, you’ve done it, you can open your eyes.” Cautiously, Gem opened her eyes, and instead of being met with the soft grandpa from before, there was a whole new person. They looked like TFC but also now. They had more sharp edges and the particles of different ores around them were very present, and they radiated the energy of a god. He reached over and cupped her cheek.

“How do you feel?” Gemini thinks, she looked down at her new self, realizing how much bigger the two were now. She looked at all the leaf butterflies, not being as scared of them now. She felt power coursing through her, the whispered of the plants and tree’s outside. But now that she’s not in her panicked state, it was a lot more comforting. Gem felt a soft smile form over their lips. Looking up at TFC she felt warmth in her chest.

“Now that I’m not panicking, it feels nice. It feels warm, and I feel stronger.” TFC nods, looking pleased.

“Now, let’s go back to normal shall we?” Gem nods and puts her head down, closing her eyes again.

“Now, recognize your form, recognize the power coursing through you. Hold that feeling, and imagine yourself tucking it away for later. Let yourself relax and let your body morph once more” And once again, Gem tried her best to follow along.

And next time she opened her eyes, the normal TFC sat in front of her. Looking down at herself, Gem saw her she was back to normal. Smiling Gem leaped up to hug TFC. Hugging back TFC gently pet her hair.

“Now, let’s get you to bed, You need some rest after all that. Tomorrow we’ll talk more about this stuff ok?” 

And with that, TFC and Gem got comfy in the small comfort fort TFC had made and Gem fell asleep. During the afternoon Bdubs came to see gem, but finding her and TFC sleeping, he just smiled fondly and closed the door quietly. Informing the server not to disturb the two for the rest of the night and left the sleeping duo to rest

[megs-mostly-past-random-fandoms]

Spies Can’t Catch Feelings

Based on this request:  I haven’t seen any requests for Peaky Blinders yet. Can I request a Tommy Shelby fic where the reader has been kind of like a spy for him and she kinda has feelings for him but also finds herself falling for Alfie too??

Here you are! *Familiar Characters are NOT mine!*

Fandom: Peaky Blinders

Warnings: Angst (no fluff here folks), unrequited feelings, mentions of smoking(it’s Peaky Blinders), mentions of spying and potential death, I think that’s it, but let me know if I missed something. 

Pairings/Characters: Tommy Shelby x fem!reader(platonic-ish), Alfie Solomons x fem!reader (platonic-ish)

As soon as you were back home, you let out a sigh. You removed your coat and walked to the parlor, only to scream when you saw someone sitting there. "Bloody hell, Tommy!" you shouted when you realized it was none other than Thomas Shelby sitting in your parlor. "What are you doing here?" you snapped, causing him to raise a brow. He didn't like it when you used that tone, but he'd scared you half to death.

         "You haven't rang. I was worried." You let out a snort of laughter. "You don't get worried, Thomas. You want your information. I told you before, when I have anything of note, I'll ring. Other than that, don't come sneaking into my house. Alfie Solomons hasn't lied to you so far. Not from what I've seen. I have free reign of that office. Everything appears legitimate as far as I can tell. At least where you and the Peaky Blinders are concerned."

         Tommy rose gracefully from his seat and came over to you. In your personal space. You bit back the happy sigh that threatened to escape you. You couldn't let your feelings be known yet. Not while you were in the thick of things with Alfie. You were Tommy's spy and spies can't catch feelings. Except, you'd had feelings for Tommy long before he ever asked you to spy for him.

         "Find whatever you can on him so we can bring you home, Y/N." He placed a hand on your shoulder and gave it a small squeeze. "I'm counting on you." With that, he left you home while your heart threatened to beat out of your chest. He had been so close. Close enough you could smell the gun powder and cigarette smoke on him. His lips had been right there and part of you wanted nothing more than to kiss him. You let yourself get lost in the fantasy for a bit before shaking your head and going about your personal business and going to bed. You had work the next day after all.

         You didn't mind working for Alfie. He really was a great employer. Sure, he had a temper, but he never let it loose on you. In fact, he kept you safe from the leering eyes of the other men in his "bakery". He didn't talk often, but once he got going, he was a great person to talk to. He was so intelligent and even funny sometimes. And you had to be honest, sometimes, when he stared at you, his eyes bore into your soul and sent shivers down your spine. But mostly, you were happy being friendly with your current employer.

         In fact, you were starting to have second thoughts about spying on him for Tommy. Your mind kept comparing the two of them while your heart bounced between them. You could easily admit that you had feelings for Tommy. You had for a while now. Alfie was a different story. You knew you felt something for him, but you didn't know what. Surely you couldn't be falling for Alfie too. Could you?

*the next day *

         "You alright?" You nearly jumped out of your skin when you heard Alfie's voice. You hadn't realized you'd been zoned out. "Sorry. Yeah, I'm fine.  Just…lost in thought I guess." You let your gaze meet his and he gave you the closest thing you'd get to a smile from him. "Go on home then. You've done more than enough for today. Get some rest, Miss Y/L/N." You laughed a bit.

         "How many times must I ask you to call me Y/N?" He smirked and replied that until you called him Alfie, he'd continue calling you by your last name. You loved the easy banter between the two of you. It brought about a warmth in your chest and butterflies in your stomach that was different from the feeling you got around Tommy.

         "Alright, I'll go. But I'll be back bright and early tomorrow. Goodnight, Alfie." You could feel Alfie's eyes on you as you grabbed your handbag and your coat. "Night, Y/N." You smiled and left. Part of you thought about sneaking back later, but the more rational part of you knew that, even if he were up to something nefarious, he wouldn't keep evidence in his business. Not where anyone could see anyway. Based on everything you'd seen and heard, he really wasn't out to get Tommy. So, you ignored that nagging voice and went about your business. As it would happen, that was the wrong thing to do.

         Once again, Tommy was in your parlor when you arrived home. Only this time, he was glaring at you with such venom, you nearly shirked away. "What are you doing here, Thomas?" you asked as you removed your coat. Tommy stamped out his cigarette in the ashtray you kept out for him.

         "You...lied to me." Your brows furrowed and you tilted your head to the side as you studied his face. Whatever he was talking about was obviously serious. At least to him. "What are you talking about?" Tommy stood, placed a hand in his pocket, and called out, "John. Bring 'im here." You glanced over your shoulder to see John nearly dragging a beat-up Arthur Shelby into the parlor.

         "What the hell happened to you?" you asked, moving to help. A glare from John and the sound of Tommy clearing his throat stopped you. "What do you think happened, Y/N?" Tommy asked, "You're a smart girl. You can put two and two together." You whirled around to face him again. "You think Alfie did this?! Are you stupid? Alfie wouldn't do this. He's been honest with you from the beginning, Tommy. This was probably the Italians."

         "I sent Arthur to check on your progress this afternoon. That was where it happened. This is Solomons' work. I just can't prove it." You felt your knees shaking as he took a step toward you. "Now, either you didn't know and I can let you off with a slap on the wrist for being stupid. Or you did know and I kill you now before you can betray us again. I just need to know which. So…which is it?"

         "I-I don't know anything. I swear. Alfie…he didn't do this as far as I'm concerned." Tommy regarded you for a moment, trying to decided whether or not he believed you. After what seemed like an eternity, he spoke again, "You're protecting him. That's why you've given me nothing these past months. The question is why?" You swore your heart was going to beat right out of your chest.

         "I'm not, Tommy. I swear. I haven't done anything to betray you or your family. If Alfie did this, he kept his plan close to the vest. There was never any sign that he would-" You weren't stupid. You knew Alfie would do something like that if provoked, but not out of the blue. But you couldn't tell Tommy that. He'd never believe you.

         "You let us down," Tommy said in response, "Do you know what we do to those who betray us?" You narrowed your eyes and tried to fight back tears. You couldn't believe that the man you had been falling in love with was talking to you like this. "Don't you dare threaten me, Thomas Shelby. I did NOT betray you, but God knows I wish I had now!" Tommy's usually stoic mask twisted into an expression of rage.

         "We're leaving. But know this, if I ever lay eyes on you again," he began, pulling a bullet out of his pocket, "I will put this bullet right in your heart." You clenched your fists at your sides. Your heart was breaking and you wanted to slap yourself at your own foolishness. How could ever think Tommy would love you? The man had no heart.

         Taking a deep breath, you stared Tommy directly in his eyes and said, "And if I ever see you again, I'll put one between your eyes. Now, get out." Your entire body was shaking as the three men left your home. As soon as the door closed behind them, you sank to your knees on the plush carpet and let yourself cry. How had things gone so badly so suddenly? The only good thing was that it was over. Well, almost. Now, you needed to resign from Alfie's bakery before he found out everything.

         The next morning, you were in Alfie's office first thing. He stared at you with those eyes and you almost couldn't speak. "Resignation?" he asked and you nodded. Once again, you were fighting back tears. You just couldn’t understand how you had been so stupid, falling in love with not one, but two notorious criminals. That was why spies couldn't catch feelings. It never worked out. You knew that. Too bad your heart hadn't. "Y-Yes. I think it's for the best." You turned to leave. When your hand was on the knob, Alfie spoke up again.

         "This is about Tommy Shelby, ain't it? About the job he asked you to do?" You froze instantly as fear gripped you. You turned slowly to meet his gaze once more. "I beg your pardon?" Alfie sat back in his chair with a slight grunt. "Tommy Shelby sent you here." You let go of the knob and turned back to him with your head down.

         "Yes. How long have you known?" Alfie leaned forward again, resting his elbows on his desk, but you could still feel his eyes on you. "Since Arthur Shelby came poking around yesterday." Your head shot up. "Did you do that to him?" Alfie sighed. "That, pet, was an unfortunate accident, weren't it? He stumbled into something he wasn't supposed to. If I hadn't done it, Sabini and his men would've killed him."

         "I didn't tell them anything!" you suddenly cried before slapping your hands over your mouth. Alfie stared at you for a second then, he began laughing. "I know, pet. Not that you could've. There's nothing to tell, is there? I didn't betray Tommy. Neither did you." You scoffed and rolled your eyes. "Tell that to him. He thinks I did and that I'm protecting you. Threatened to shoot me." Alfie's brows drew together. "Now why would he think that?"

         "Maybe because I'm falling in love with you and too stupid to hide it." Your eyes widened as Alfie took in your surprise admission. "I, uh, I-nevermind. I need to leave now before I embarrass myself further." With that, you threw open the door and ran from Alfie, cursing yourself all the way home. You didn't know what was going to happen next, but you were almost certain neither of the men you had feelings for were going to be a part of your life anymore.

(a/n: I hope you enjoy it!)

[charming-2d-boys]

Hi, I just want to say that I really love your writings and they actually really help me relax after a hard day!😊But today i just wanted to feel pain, so can I please have a dying! reader headcannon with Chrollo. If you do write for these, Im really sorry if you dont.

Oh, anon, who hurt you? I'll make myself cry, most probably 😭

Anyway, thank you and I'm glad to hear that! 😄 And thank you for the request as well! I hope you'll enjoy this! 🙇

A/N: the idea sorta came while listening to A Grave Mistake by Ice Nine Kills (I love the live version from SiriusXM, like please 😭💞). And I was so close to writing a scenario and then I read headcanons and I just kinds stopped like oh, yeah 😂

Warning: very long, angsty, description of injuries and death

you’d never thought it could hurt so badly

or that there’d be so much blood

but, alas, that was the unfortunate situation you found yourself in

the several gashes you’d acquired during your fight were making you dizzy from blood loss

your attacker had died a few seconds before, blood still flowing from the stomach wound you gave him

that was also the only serious hit you managed to land on him

unfortunately, you just knew that it only saved you for a bit more time

you had barely managed to get out your phone, only to see the screen cracked

and you were honestly scared it wouldn't work, but you felt relief when the screen lit up

you called Chrollo, but you had to put the phone on the ground, next to your ear

you had never felt happier to hear his voice

if only you could see him one last time as well...

Hello, love! And Happy Anniversary! Where are you? I hope you're on your way because I wouldn't want dinner to get cold-

Chrollo...

he suddenly went quiet as he heard you and you could hear shuffling in the background

(Y/N), where are you?

you told him, wheezing when you felt a sharp pain in your side as you tried to breathe in more air

you heard more shuffling before the city noise filled the background on the other end

Stay on the phone with me. Tell me what happened.

it hurt so badly to talk

your throat felt as dry as bone and also wet and the taste of blood was prominent

but you tried to talk, telling him about the one who attacked you while on your way home and how you tried to defend yourself, but their Nen far surpassed yours

apparently, your attacker had friends who wanted to destroy the Spider as well

and they would cling to anything that would hurt them or get them closer to the Phantom Troupe

you’d rather tell your boyfriend about this face to face, though

you did laugh and you heard his chuckle when you told Chrollo about the fatal hit you inflicted on your attacker

but when he asked you how bad your injuries were, you couldn’t answer

what were you supposed to say?

that you’d never seen so much blood in your entire life?

or that you could feel yourself slipping away?

(Y/N)? Talk to me, darling. I’m almost there. Just keep talking.

you told Chrollo about the cake you had bought and how you wanted to go on a date the next day or just sleep in and spend the entire day celebrating at home

he only hummed, hurrying over to you as fast as he could

good thing Shalnark installed an app on your phone that allowed Chrollo to pinpoint your location with accuracy

he swore he’d only use it in case of emergency and he’d kept his word

Chrollo felt his heart drop into his stomach when he saw your figure and all the blood surrounding you and the figure a few meters away from you

(Y/N)? I’m here now. Everything’s going to be fine, okay?

his hand caressed your cheek while the other hovered over your waist, where most of the blood seemed to come from

you leaned into his touch, smiling at him despite all the pain you felt and the numbness that started to overtake your limbs

Chrollo had already called Machi to heal you and Feitan, more for reinforcement than anything

and a few seconds later you could both hear them rapidly approaching you

Machi, please.

she only nodded and got to work, with Feitan going over to your attacker and inspecting him closely

Chrollo held your hand the entire time, smiling down at you and kissing your knuckles, hoping that you’d be saved and coming back with him injured, but alive

Machi managed to stitch most of your wounds and the bleeding stopped, but you were still pale and trembling from all the blood loss

How are you feeling, love? Better?

you wanted to say yes, just to keep that hopeful sparkle in his eyes

but you couldn’t

No... It hurts a lot... I don’t think I’ll-

Stop. Don’t say it.

Machi had gotten up and taken a few steps away from the two of you, still hearing you, but giving you some privacy

she’d done her best and you were thankful for that

you had felt her hands tremble slightly

you were friends and her boss’ lover

the idea of someone else she grew close to dying was making her sick

and Chrollo felt the same way

despite being around death so often and for his entire life, he still hated the idea of someone he cared about leaving his side like this

it was too soon

he still had so many things he wanted to experience with you and show you

he couldn’t lose you just like that

it wasn’t fair

there were tears forming in his eyes and you felt your heart clench in pain and pity when they started descending down his cheeks

your fingers wiped them away, the dry blood on your fingertips leaving faint marks where they got the blood wet again

Shhh... Don’t worry, we’ll meet again one day. Okay? And I’ll watch over you. So don’t cry anymore, please.

you were no better since you were crying as well

it really wasn’t fair

you didn’t want to die

you didn’t want to leave Chrollo

and seeing him actually react like this really moved you

as cool and charming as he always acted, even with you for the most part

you really didn’t think that he felt so strongly about you

you kissed the top of his head lightly as his face rested over your neck, lips pressing over the still warm skin and moving as if he was mumbling

or praying

Chrollo, sweetheart, please, look at me.

his eyes were teary and a little bloodshot as his hands were holding tightly onto yours

you looked so pale, but you still smiled at him

and Chrollo felt his heart crack

because it was his fault

he should’ve kept you safe

he was still trying not to be loud

and only you could see his face and feel his trembling hands

It’s not your fault. Understood? Don’t blame yourself. I want you to promise me this.

he couldn’t do that and you knew it

he’d always feel some guilt because this could’ve been avoided

if only he’d been with you, he could’ve protected you

just like he promised you

and he broke it

I promise.

he knew how stubborn you were sometimes

you wouldn’t take no or I can’t for an answer

not this time

I love you, (Y/N). I’ll always do.

his voice was anything but loud

this was only for you to hear and no one else

not even Machi or Feitan

So will I, Chrollo. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone, alright?

you smirked playfully, though even you felt like it was a pitiful attempt at making everything more light-hearted

he cracked a broken smile and kissed your forehead, arms slowly lifting you up so he could hug you properly

you hugged him back tightly, hand going through his hair as his hands clung to your torn clothes, feeling the dry blood that had soaked through

it honestly hurt to stay like this

but it didn’t matter anymore

even now, you felt safe in his arms

his cologne always brought you this feeling of familiarity and home

and his skin was so warm that you never wanted to part with him

but you slowly started feeling even more sluggish

there were black spots gradually growing in size and numbers and you closed your eyes, letting your other senses heighten

his breathing was ragged but still quiet

his fingers were digging into your skin only a little

his grip tightened just as yours started to weaken

you could only press a kiss to his shoulder before you felt a few more tears fall onto your skin

if only you could apologise for making him cry, you would’ve done it

but you could barely open your mouth to utter a whimpered sorry

and the last thing you heard was Chrollo, thanking you for loving him

as he got up, with your lifeless body in his arms, cradling you protectively

Chrollo looked down at your face

you looked as if you were sleeping

just like that time when you went to an amusement park and he had to carry you home because of how tired you were

if only there wasn’t so much blood and your body was warmer

Machi and Feitan were looking at the both of you without saying a word

Machi’s eyes were shining with unshed tears

while Feitan grimaced behind his mask

things would never be the same now that you were gone

he could already sense the change in Chrollo

Feitan, do you know who he is?

Yes, seen him before. Yakuza from the northern side of the city. Had a clash a few months ago.

Chrollo only nodded and his fingers tightened their grip a little over your skin that was growing colder

Let’s head back. After all, we should forgive our enemies. But not before they are hanged.

Chrollo and the other two Spiders walked away from the scene in silence

every memory the two of you had built over time, good or bad, was burnt into his mind and kept replaying

he glanced at you again

you would never be forgotten

you would always be loved

Chrollo swore this

and swore to get even and kill them all

revenge is a confession of pain

and he had never felt so much of it before

[junnibook]

Stockholm Syndrome

Oh sangwoo multi write.

A/n: for the love of gods read the warnings. Minors do not enter. This is just the first ine I hope it gets better over time and while I fix it up.

Also I’m back.

Part 1/?

Warnings: kidnap, noncon , dubcon, drugging, abuse (mostly to bum), sangwoo, bullying, Stockholm syndrome, murder, killing stalking, NSFW NSFW NSFW, knife play, rope play.

There is this guy, to everyone else he’s hot and cool, but to you he’s big and scary. 

Your first encounter happened when you started college, originally you planned on asking someone for help but your nerves told you otherwise. He was there, watching you, you were like a snow bunny, in a forest of wolves. You came in looking so innocent.

How could he not want to be near you. 

You had a white dress that showed absolutely no curves, it hung off your body as if you didn’t have one at all. 

He adored you, from afar, he didn’t want to ruin the look of confusion on your face just yet, but he knew if he didn’t go up to you than someone else would and he didn’t want that.  He made sure to place his best smile on just for you, you should be lucky no one has gotten this pasific smile before. 

“Hey, lost there huh” he made sure to be careful and lean over your small body just a little. He didn’t want to scare his little bunny just yet. He thought you would look up at him, blush than look away. He was wrong, the minute you looked up at him, your stomach dropped, he looked like a normal guy to everyone else but to you he looked like a monster ready to attack you at any given second. 

You didn’t blush, far from that. You were scared and although he liked the look of absolute fear on your face, the look wouldn’t help his reputation here, so he backed away.

“Didn’t mean to scare you, im sangwoo. Did you need help finding your way”  you thought that maybe you shouldn’t judge people. So you returned his smile, even if your lip quivered and your palms get sweaty.  

“ it’s okay, im f/n,  l/n” your voice is like angels singing to him, your first mistake was one, telling him your name rather than two, showing him your schedule because not only did he get your classes but he also got your address. 

Anyways , he told you where to go glad that you actually have a class with him. He’d let you find out on your own. 

He watched you, even if his friends saw him. He couldn’t help but picture you in his basement, nice and pretty for him, the look of fear he craves from you, your mouth gagged showing off how pretty your lips are, he even wants to see your face stained with tears, beg for him he’ll love it if you be geg for him to let you go. With such a sweet voice you have, he loves to listen to you cry out for hours. 

Fuck- 

He needs to calm down before he gets TO excited. You just didn’t know what he wanted to do with and your littel innocent fucking body. You haven’t been with anyone on campus or off HE MADE SURE.  just wait until he has you. 

He promised to take good care of you. 

~a month later~ 

He didn’t like your new friends, in fact he hated them. They Are so touchy and they make you go out at night to drink. Making you wear a skimpy little dress, then leaving you alone by yourself, letting some guy get his fill of you. 

Your hopeless, if he wasn’t there who knows what some guy would’ve done to you, they could’ve kidnapped you before he got the chance too and he refuses that. He would have taken you while you were drunk and barely standing in his grip. But your friend picked you up. 

A guy. 

Who was that guy? Did you have something going on with him? He seemed worried about you. But why would he need to worry if sangwoo was there to help you. You don’t think he’s a bad guy do you. He just wants to make sure you're safe, the world is too dangerous for you. That’s why he has to keep you from the world. 

-- 

He’s tried everything to get you over his home willingly, but you're a stubborn little pain in the ass aren’t you. Lucky for you he had a little issue at home the same day he planned to take you home with him.  

He was pissed, even broke ankles and killed the girl he already had in his basement. He wanted you to get to know her, maybe the two of you could bond. But no, some stalker had to come and ruin everything, you can wait for him can’t you. 

He just needs a little time to think about how he’s going to get you to him. It’s harder since you're being a little bit of a bitch, did your new friends make you think that you're better than everyone, make you feel like you are so above everyone that you can’t talk to  anyone. He doesn’t like that, you're starting to piss him off, he didn’t want to have to force his way in but now he has no choice. 

He followed you today, all he wants to know is who the hell is that guy you're walking with. Your smiling at him, who the fuck did you think you were. You really did it, you brought the real him out way too early. 

He waited for you to go to a bathroom before he walked over to the guy, “you must really like the risk huh” sangwoo slid over to him by the bar, taking note of how many empty shot glasses you had in complaining about what the guy you were with had. “What do you mean.?” the guy asked, a simple lie is all he needed to do, wasn’t his first time. “I walk by her highschool everyday, i didn’t know she had such a boyfriend, ya know fifteen and dating a what 25, 26? '' the guy had a look on his face that held so much guilt. 

It didn’t take long for the guy to leave, blocking all numbers of whatnots.

You came out the bathroom wobbling back to the crowds, you're so hopeless, barely standing on your own. You poor little thing, don’t worry he’s here to make sure nothing happens to you. 

He walked up to you, catching you as you tripped, “ mm im sorry haha” you couldn’t see the face of the person who helped you, the lights were turned off but the smell of this person was so familiar, you couldn’t put your finger on it. Your head pounding and your heart racing, everything around you made you feel happy, even if it was fuzzy. You felt free, so no you didn’t question the man who walked you out the club. 

This was freedom, free to do what you pleased, you liked it. 

The cool air from outside made your body feel good but in a bad way, your stomach felt tight. “ C'mon let's get you home” you froze, finally looking up, seeing a head of dyed blonde hair than familiar eyes, the eyes of you wished to never see again this close. “Sangwoo?” you questioned, maybe it was the alcohol that made you see him, you wanted to believe that he wasn’t there, but he was, his stupid smirk made it real just like how his hands placing themselves on your lower back. 

Your throat burned and you gagged lightly before releasing everything in your stomach on him and his shoes. “Fucking gross” you leaned back trying to get away from him, but he wasn’t going to let you leave, he’s already holding back from hurting you so openly, you couldn’t fight back your body would let you. You tried to reach out but your body failed you terribly. 

He of course loved your struggles , everything about it made him happy. To have you so close to him being so close to having you in his basement, if he wasn’t covered in your puke he would’ve been even more happy. 

Bringing you home wasn’t an issue, you didn’t even know your name right. When he got there he took his stained clothes off and dragged your body down to the basement. “ hey, bum. I brought you a little friend” he dropped you on the floor to look at yoonbum, who scanned over you in shock, you sat next to him in class. 

He gasped, does that mean that sangwoo was going to get rid of yoonbum. No but he didn’t need to know that. 

Sangwoo didn’t waste any time before taking off your clothes seeing you in your matching set. “ hm i could never tell what her body was like when she wore her clothes all lose” he was impressed running his hands on your sides before taking your bra off and chaining you to the pole with bum.  He stood up watching you before disappearing stairs. 

---- 

You woke up to groaning, your head pounding and your throat dry. Your body hurt from laying on a hard surface, did you sleep outside? This is what it felt like, you're cold and damped.  You tried to move but you couldn't because your ankle felt heavier than normal. It took you awhile but you finally realized that you're on the floor, naked- well you had panties. 

Your breathing picked up as you tried to look around. It’s too dark to actually see anything. You felt around screaming when you felt a body part move next to your hand. You started panting when you hear heavy footsteps above your head. You trembled hearing the door open, whincing as the light from upstairs hit your eyes. 

“ hm your awake” you felt your breathing pick up seeing the man walk down the stairs. “sangwoo?”

[wonderland-in-bloom]

all for one but not for another

[malleus draconia x fem!reader]

anon asked: Hi ! I Hope you're well ! Can I have a one shot with a Fem! reader who is I love with Malleus. Sebek do not like it because she is a simple human and he keeps pushing her away from Malleus. Thank you !

yellloooos anon! i hope you’re well as well :)) 

p.s. THANK YOU ALL FOR 900+ AAAAAAA NANI IS THIS EFOWEFEWOFJOWE WHAT IS THIS ;-; im so sorry i havent been publishing as much and as frequent as i did in the past, because i really want to write quality content for you guys -w- quality over quantity i guess ? lolol BUT THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH I LOVE YOU ALL AAAAAAAAAAAAA

p.p.s ik this story is supposed to be the reader x malleus (and i promise there are parts of that), but i feel like he only appears a tiny bit oops. btw this story has a little bit of a...twist ;)) watch out for all of the foreshadowing and hints <3

♡

THE sunlight beamed through the framed windows of the classroom, casting a perfect highlight on the features of your beloved senpai. your hand glided through your notebook as you aimlessly doodled small roses and flowers while just staring at him. different scenarios if him and you just appeared inside your mind, satisfying your daydreams. oh you wished to just confess to him behind the school, surrounded by petals of flowers floating around the two of you as he accepts your love, and thus both lived happily ever after. malleus draconia managed to capture your heart. practically everyone in the school knew, probably even the headmaster knew, except for your crush himself. with the whole school knowing, this meant that malleus’s number one fanboy, sebek zigvolt knew about this too.

in classes all he can think about are ways to make you stay far far away from malleus. all the plans that he has thought of so far didn’t manage to work for whatever reason like he was jinxed. he really thought to go as far as to come crying and begging to the one and only azul ashengrotto to make a deal with him. just to keep you away from malleus. however, he kept debating with himself, was it really worth it? didn’t he have to give up his magic to make a deal with the infamous ashengrotto? well he wouldn’t have to resort to that for now. besides there were no rumors blooming around the school about you trying to confess to malleus anyways, so he could stay calm. sebek sighed as he roamed the hallways, trying to find the young master. his eyes lit up when he saw the familiar horns. “MALLEUS-SA-” before he could finish his sentence, he saw you trailing behind him as you tried your best to approach him. you were an inch close to tapping his shoulder before you felt a force pushing you back. you shrieked slightly and fell back. 

malleus was about to turn his head to see what the ‘thud’ was before sebek rushed to him and made him turn his head away. “malleus-sama! we best not be late for lunch! the cafeteria will get full!” hesitantly malleus followed sebek. the two diasomnia students walked away, leaving you trying to stand up from the cold floor of the hallway and brush the dirt off your uniform. “(y/n)-san...are you alright?” you heard a familiar voice call out with a flowery scent like someone spending too much time in the botanical gardens. it was jade leech. “yes. i’m fine. i think..?” he extended a hand and gladly pulled you back up on your feet. “ehhh did that first year really push koebi-chan?” you heard floyd from behind you. “no! it’s not like that...well...maybe...? i’m not sure.” you sighed. jade placed a reassuring hand on your shoulder. “(y/n)-san, perhaps you might feel better if you sat with us in the cafeteria today.” floyd cheered as this sentence left jade’s mouth. “yaaay! koebi-chan’s sitting with us! come on, koebi-chan! that’s a yes right~” 

well...what could go wrong? besides it was better than sitting alone and just thinking about ways to approach malleus and avoid sebek. “mm, okay. i guess...” jade chuckled while floyd took your hand and dragged you all the way to the cafeteria. he sat down right beside you as jade sat down beside azul. “oya..? it’s a rare occasion seeing you sit with us, (y/n).” azul commented after taking a bite from his salad. “ah...yeah. jade and floyd invited me. i hope you don’t mind.” azul shook his head. “not at all!” he smiled, however there was a change in his expression and a change in the aura around you. “(y/n)...” he trailed off. “you look troubled.”

“eh?! troubled? what...what do you mean...?” azul chuckled. “not meaning to pry, but is everything alright? you seem a little...off.” jade and floyd agreed by nodding. “and a little distant.” jade added. “you look a little sad too.” floyd spoke. a hint of confusion struck you. how did they..? why did they even..? you weren’t feeling like being sentimental at the moment so you wanted to brush it off. “what? me? really? no, you guys i’m fine! really.” you gave them a little smile. they didn’t buy it at all. how fake the three of them thought. “(y/n)-san please...we only want what’s best for you.” you faced jade to see his face plastered with compassion and worry. “you know you can trust us right~” floyd smiled and grabbed your hand, trying to reassure you. “please, (y/n). if there’s anything wrong, we want to be here to help.” azul finished. the octavinelle trio worked wonders with their ways of persuading people, almost like putting them under a hypnosis. “i...” their eyes sparkled. “yes?”

“i just feel slightly weird.” you shrugged. “ah, is this about draconia-san?” your ears perked up at jade’s comment. “well...kind of..? it’s related to that but it’s not entirely...” floyd pouted. “koebi-chan why don’t you just tell him how you feel?” this time it was your turn to pout. “look it’s not that easy. i don’t have the courage to tell him and besides if i did, then there’s no way i can get past his bodyguard.” azul, jade, and floyd eyed each other. “ah, you mean sebek zigvolt?” to be completely honest you didn’t mind him when the year first started. sure he was clingy to malleus but he didn’t really bother you that much. only as the year went on and as your love for the diasomnia dorm leader blossomed, he became much more annoying and hostile towards you. he sure could be very irritating at times. “is that why you fell today?” you cursed jade for being so damn attentive. 

“well i’m sure he didn’t do it on purpose. maybe it was just an accident...” floyd rolled his eyes. “really koebi-chan? you really think he didn’t do that on purpose?” you bit your bottom lip. well you were in an extremely close proximity to malleus so...maybe it was on purpose. but no! he couldn’t have done that...could he? “ah i’ve been hearing about these things. sebek zigvolt would stop at nothing to keep at others away from draconia.” the three exchanged glances once more and all chuckled. “i’m surprised he hasn’t come running to us for a contract.” azul joked. you tried your best to chuckle with them but your mind was too busy with the thought of sebek purposely harming you just to keep you away from malleus. “(y/n), he can be a very irritating first year and dangerous even! he means you harm...all for his senpai who doesn’t even consider him...so are you sure he’s not the root of all your problems?” 

“i mean yeah...but still-” floyd cut off your sentence. “i heard he pushed someone off the stairs last time.” those words rang in your ear. what? “oh no, the audacity. a rumor circulating the heartslabyul dorm said that he tried to curse the first year, deuce spade, for helping draconia-san fix something.” huh..is he..? what are they..? “how scary.” azul shook his head before facing you. “do you see how much of a threat he is, (y/n)? i don’t mean to scare you...but imagine if you tried to confess your feelings to your love, malleus draconia? surely he would do something unspeakable...” you held your own hand, feeling it tremble. “eh?! koebi-chan!” floyd put a reassuring hand on your shoulder. “you three really think...he’s a threat..?” azul sighed hesitantly. “as much as we hate to admit it, (y/n), we think so.” 

“we only want your safety. we only want you to be safe. we only want you to be safe while getting what you want...” jade trailed off. “winning the heart of malleus draconia.” floyd finished jade’s sentence. “getting your beautiful dream come true as spring is in bloom.” azul added. “then..what should i do? i really don’t want to be hurt, but at the same time...i want to be closer to malleus-senpai.” you were close to tears. your mind was clouded with different thoughts circling around and making you overthink. “(y/n) we would be happy to help. we really want to help you find and get rid of the root of this issue.” you failed to realize the hidden smirk on azul’s face. “meet us in the mostro lounge tonight at seven pm.” the clock struck one, time for the next class. the three stood up, with smirks and grins which showed the leech twin’s razor sharp teeth. “remember, we only want what’s best for you. we’ll teach him that he’s barking up the wrong tree. so please consider our offer...you can get your happily ever after easily.” azul spoke in a hushed tone before leaving you there in a state of dilemma. 

a contract with the sneaky octopus, for the sake of satisying your never-ending blossoming dreams of a happy ending and your own safety...

AT the end of that same week, sebek anxiously paced to the mostro lounge. “oh...we have a visitor!” floyd cheered. “welcome to the mostro lounge, sebek-san. what is it you need?” jade put down a pair of scissors after snipping flower stems and arranging them in a vase. “i want a deal with azul ashengrotto!” he barked. “you’re in luck...he’s in the vip room right now. please head inside and we can discuss this...civilly.” sebek gulped loudly while stepping inside the vip room. “ah! if it isn’t sebek zigvolt. talk about you has been spreading faster than weeds in a garden...” azul chuckled as the door behind him closed. “please have a seat. what is it that you want?” sebek didn’t even bother sitting down as he barged to azul. “i want to make a deal with you! i want that pathetic human to stay far away from malleus-sama!” azul’s eyes widened before chuckling. “how straightforward...how desperate...you poor unfortunate soul. trying your best to protect the young master...”

“so?! is it a deal?” jade interrupted. “if i may ask, why in such a hurry?” floyd snickered. “it’s like you’re whining ‘cause you got a thorn stuck in your foot or something...” sebek clenched his fist. “i heard a couple of rumors that...that human is going to confess to malleus-sama tomorrow after school ends in the meadow behind the school!” jade and floyd’s eyes widened as they exchanged glances. so you did decide to confess...”so please! i beg of you!” azul placed his pointer finger on his chin, thinking for a while. “well...i can’t turn a client down. especially not with this kind of opportunity...” a bright, glowing contract appeared in front of sebek. he anxiously took the pen and inched his hand closer to the contract as azul explained all the terms and conditions including the collateral. “do we have a deal?” sebek nodded confidently. he was sure he was going to beat you, in a way. he was positive he was going to stop you from confessing to malleus. “yes. we do.” azul chuckled evilly. “excellent.” oh how happy he was. he was going to get everything he wanted both from you and from sebek...oh how he was one step ahead of the both of you.

the next day, you anxiously waited at the meadows. just waiting for love. when you saw him step towards you, a huge smile was plastered on your face. “malleus-senpai!” your eyes widened when you saw a gentle smile being reciprocated. “(y/n). pleasure to be here.” you swallowed all your fear and anxiety and tried your best to plant it in the back of your mind. “i have something to tell you...” meanwhile sebek started running to the back of the school, ready to scream with all his might to distract malleus away from you and so he wouldn’t accept your confession. in the middle of the way, he felt his legs becoming heavy...what’s going on?! he felt weak...surprisingly not in pain...he looked down to see his legs...withering away into a bunch of flower petals. no NO NO NO! “as collateral for this magic amplifier, all of your magic will be given to me. if he however, somehow manages to accept (y/n)’s feelings, then all your magic will be mine.” sebek knew he was confident in beating you to it. so he agreed. but he didn’t know that you were one step ahead of him...that you signed a deal with the cunning octopus before he did!

sebek looked down at his hands which were now withering away. the magic amplifier fell out of his pocket as they started to disappear as well into a bunch of flower petals. meanwhile you poured your heart and soul into your confession as you were ready to accept whatever answer he was about to give you. you were expecting rejection...but all malleus did was chuckle. “oh (y/n). i knew this whole time. you really ought to be better at keeping secrets.” your jaw dropped. “eh...eh..? I’M SORRY! I’M REALLY SORRY! I’M SORRY IF YOU THINK I’M A CREEP OR-” he leaned down and landed a kiss on your lips, stopping your sentence midway. so this means...yes huh? your eyes widened as you were surrounded by multicolored petals dancing in the wind. this was everything you dreamed of. this was everything you wanted. this was your happily ever after. just like azul promised...

“we ensure you your happily ever after, (y/n). we’ll give you the scene you’ve always wanted. we’ll give you your fantasy. we’ll ensure your safety as well. as for your collateral, all you need to do is just confess to malleus draconia by sunset at the end of the week. that’s all...see. you can trust us. we wish for his love to bloom to ensure...all of our happy endings.”

♡

okay this was long, which i didn’t expect it to be...? anyways idk if the foreshadowing worked or not but probably didn’t lol. i just inputted a bunch of words and scenes related to flowers and plants hinting at the ending lol so sorry if it sucks. i’ll try to write more stories like this to improve it ;w; okay ik it was supposed to be a malleus x reader thing but it’s very heavily focused on you and the octavinelle bois...hmmm

but hey, at least you got your happy ending...

love, a♕

[unlikelyempathpruneauthor]

My one and Only

Tom x Reader

A/N: another office inspired piece of writing. Hopefully this isn’t too bad. Let me know if you have any requests. As always feedback is appreciated.

Y/N’s POV

Ever since Tom has been working in london for his new movie we’ve been having trouble keeping up with our marriage. I’m not blaming him for the whole thing, but we have been off sync. It feels like i’m just on my own doing this. Since he’s been working on Far From Home, i've been home with the kids and doing all the kids stuff. I feel like I shouldn't be saying this because he does so much for me and i feel like I’m acting ungrateful. I know it would seem like we see each other all the time since he’s working in London, but we rarely do, he gets home late and leaves early, sometimes he doesn't even come home. The kids do question but they know their dad works hard for all of us. I still work too just that Tom wants me to stay with the kids since he isn't home at all, so at least they have one parent at home.

There has been times where we have our moments and they are great, but sometimes i feel unsure. We have talked about it and today we have couples counseling to work this out so we don't do something we will probably regret. I am pretty nervous, i don’t know how this is going to go. The kids are with Nikki and Dom since they know about what is going on and they want to help us out while we try to fix this.

---------

Tom’s POV

After the interviews and photoshoots i went home to pick up Y/n for our couples counseling. She told me she has been feeling some way, that she felt we were out of sync, to be honest i was feeling that too. I felt like we were drifting away, i didn't want to loose her, she is everything to me, she’s the best thing that ever happened to me and i’m not loosing her. She is the mother to my kids and she deserves way better. Sometimes i feel like she could be with someone else who is normal and is there for her..

As i got home i went inside to she if she was ready. I went upstairs to see if she was in the bathroom. I saw her laying on the bed and talking to Robert.

“Okay yes, i know, and honey i will talk to him and just blow him up. It’s his fault.” her dad said as she shook her head.

“Dad, it’s not just his fault, it’s mine to for not talking about my feelings and making our relationship even more harder to control.” she said which broke my heart. Her dad was right it is my fault, i’m never here for her when she needs me.

“Honey, he knew what he was getting into when he got together with you and then made little ones of you two. Where are those two angels anyway?” he said. God it is my fault completely. As i waited for the call to be done i headed there to at least talk to her and feel her happy presence again.

“Hi love,” i said as she turned around and smiled at me.

“Hi,” she said as she went in for a hug. It felt nice to feel her again. I missed it a lot. “Are you ready to go?” i asked as she nodded.

We then left to go to the office and just talk about us and to each other. As we got there we were lead into this room and the talking began with,

“So why do you guys think you're here?”

--------

A few days later

After our counselling we were left with some homework, we had to acknowledge and appreciate each other sacrifices and speak our truths when needed. And we call the things we don't want to do opportunities. I feel like it felt good to go to couples counseling. I felt a little more connected and i felt a lot better too when we do our homework. The kids are glad to see me and i try to be with them as much as possible. I’m also trying to be with y/n as much as possible. I almost lost her with not being with her, and i am not going to loose her again.

As we both made lunch i saw her smile. It felt nice to see her smile. It made me feel accomplished. But im not going to stop there. She needs me here. “So, tomorrow I have a day off and i want to take you and the kids out.” i said as she smiled. “Oh that will be fun, i appreciate and acknowledge that you went out of your way to plan to take us out tomorrow..” she said as she did the homework.

“Well, to speak my truth love it isn't out of my way because I feel like we needed to do something as a family and you all mean so much to me and i want to do something nice for you guys.” i said as she smiled again.

As we finished making lunch we set up the table and got ready to eat. As we talked about our days my phone rang and i saw it was work and answered it. “To speak my truth i would really appreciate it if you hung up because we were having a conversation.” she said as i quickly hung up.

“I appreciate your sacrifice.” she said a little sarcastically. “To speak my truth that was a little sarcastic and a little unfair.” i said glared at me softly.

“Really i've been putting the kids to bed all by myself for months and you had to miss one phone call. Is that your truth Tom, is that really your truth?” she said, but she had a point. “Alright, i will swallow my truth.” i said grinning and she smiled at me.

------

Afternoon

Y/n’s POV

Today Tom had some work to get done and i understood because these were his days when he worked. Before he left i was talking to my dad. He wanted to know what was going on. I told him everything was perfectly fine and we were doing perfect. He kept saying that he was going to kill Tom if he did something like that again, but i told him that it wasn't his fault and he is doing everything to make us happy while he is here and while he’s away and that the kids were also happy that Tom made enough time for them as well.

As i was putting a movie on for the kids i took the time to clean up before sam, harry and paddy came over to see the kids. Tom came downstairs from his office playing with the kids before he was leaving.

“Where are you going daddy?” Ethan asked. “I have to go work for Spider-Man buddy, please take care of your mom okay.” he said which made my heart warm up. “Yes daddy, i will.” he said. “Also please take care of Camila, alright.” he said and Ethan replied to his dad.

As i stood near the doorway Tom saw me and he stood up from where the kids were and he grabbed my hands. “Look love, i have to go and i’m sorry, but let’s keep doing what we are doing alright.” he said as i gave him a hug.

I knew he had to go and for good reasons. To live his dreams and so he can give us a good life. I appreciate everything he’s done for me and the kids. I love him way to much to loose him. He’s a great father to our kids and a great husband.

“It’s okay, i understand, and hey we wont be alone, your brothers are coming to hang with us for a while.” i said as he smiled “Okay love, i love you alright and i will try to be here around midnight alright?” he said as i nodded.

After he left his brothers arrived 15 minutes later. The kids were so excited to see their uncles. While the kids took Paddy upstairs to play Sam and Harry and i talked.

“Hey, have you seen the interview?” harry asked. “What interview?” i asked. “You don't know?” sam said.

“No I don't, what interview? You're scaring me.” i said. “Here i'll send it to you, but watch it later when the kids are asleep.” he said as he got his phone out and sent me the interview.

“Okay,” i said very confused..

Around 11o’clock they left to go home. Ethan and Camila were fast asleep, they had so much fun with their uncles. This happens every time they come over. I then grabbed my laptop and clicked on the link harry sent me. As it loaded Tom was having a drink or whatever and they continued.

“Here we have Tom holland also known as our friendly neighborhood spiderman.” the interviewer said. “Hello thanks for having me here mate.” tom said with a smile.

The interview consisted of him talking about the movie and things that happened during the film. It then got to a part where it talked about us. I saw the way his eyes lit up. It made me tear up a little bit.

“So how is Y/N taking all of this, you know being away must be hard.” the interviewer said. “Uh, well actually Y/N and I have been having some trouble being in sync. And it is hard because one parent at home with two kids is very difficult to handle.” he said. “There is a source here that says you two had and are continuing to go to couples therapy. Is that true?” he asked.

“Yes we did go and we are continuing to go. I was selfish. Y/N was always at home and i was never home not even for my kids. I've made so many mistakes that i just let fly over my shoulder but this one, i cant let it fly over. She’s my wife and i have to be there for her even when i cant. She’s my one and only.” he said.

“Ow, gosh.” i said as i was wiping away the tears. “Wow, that amazing. What would you tell her if she was here right now?” he asked him. “For one, Y/n i love you, you are amazing i don't know how you're still with me even after what i did. You are my soulmate, and im thankful for you. You're the first best thing that ever happened to me including the kids.” he said and the video ended.

I was crying at this point. He was too much but in a good way. I loved him so much. I then felt his presence next to me. I turned around and wiped my tears.

“You watched it.” he said walking over to me. “Yeah.” i said sighing looking down to the floor. “I meant every single word love,” he said as he held my hands and looked into my eyes. “You are my one and only.”

[gottlem]

‘let me go’ but like angsty lemyanka maybe if lemon is moving back to nyc from toronto 💔

here u go ! the most angsty thing i have ever written and will probably ever write. i havent proofread it bc its late, im tired and i got a bit carried away and ended up writing 1.7k words so.... yeah. hope u like it ! <3

“let me go”

Lemon and Priyanka were clearly in love. Everyone knew it, everyone could see. Deep down, they both knew that they were, but no matter how many times they ended up in eachothers beds, it just never came up. Because if it did, well, Lemon’s not too sure what would happen. But it would be a lot, maybe too much. So she decided to stick with friends with benefits, nothing more, and it worked. For a while. Until she didn’t know what counted as overstepping anymore and calling Priyanka her friend just felt like a lie, even though it wasn’t, not really. But the ‘not really’ part is what fucked her up. 

Lemon could only deal with so much. She had her walls, they were strong and tall and Priyanka was the only one who could get through, but they just didn’t feel like they were protecting her anymore. One day, she feared they would become a little too high, a little too unstable, and crush her. And she didn’t want Priyanka to have to deal with that. 

She had already made the decision to move back to New York before she even admitted it to herself. She tended to listen to her brain over her heart - you’re less likely to get hurt that way. Somehow, this time round she couldn't quite tell which part she was listening to, but before she knew it, she was on the phone to her friend Jan asking for a place to stay. 

Jan was more than happy, albeit a little concerned, for Lemon to live with her for a bit, claiming she could use the company and the help with rent. It was a win-win situation. Though, was Lemon winning? She wasn’t so sure, she was however very stubborn and once she had made her mind up, there was no going back. It would be nice to see her New York friends again, they hadn’t fallen out of touch but things are always harder when you’re so far apart. Besides, she needed a change of scenery, she missed walking the streets of the city that never sleeps. 

The real reason behind her decision was Priyanka. She didn’t tell anyone about it but Jan, knowing she would need at least some form of support once the train arrived. She just couldn’t bear to keep up with whatever their current situation was, but also she wasn’t sure she had the courage to talk about her real feelings, so the only option she could see was to just run away. They could keep in contact, a couple of texts and maybe a bi-weekly phone call, and Lemon could find some other girl to fall in love with and then she would be over her. 

She didn’t know how to be in love, and even if Priyanka could show her, she didn’t know if she was ready, if she was prepared. Because love was scary. Commitment, too. It’s not that Lemon was scared they would end up breaking up, she was scared that they would never break up. She was still young, and while some people long to find the love of their life early on, Lemon found herself staring at hers right in the face and it just felt too overwhelming. 

She had started hinting to Priyanka that she missed her New York friends about a month before she planned to be leaving. Priyanka would suggest a week’s visit, and Lemon would just shrug it off.  She just didn’t want it to come out of the blue when she finally told her that she'd be moving. And yet, all her hints didn’t stop Priyanka from being surprised. 

It was dark out, and the pair lay not so comfortably in Lemon’s bed. It was too hot but neither had the energy to do anything about it, so they stayed there in silence, Lemon slowly building up the courage to speak. 

“Hey, Pri?” She barely recognised her own voice, hating the crack that came out when she started speaking. Priyanka hummed in response, turning her head to face Lemon’s, eyes trained on the side of Lemon’s head as the yellow haired girl stared blankly at the ceiling. Eye contact would be too much, she didn’t want to see Priyanka’s face when she told her. 

“I’m moving back to New York.”

Silence. 

More silence.

Then, the shuffling of covers and creaks of floorboards as Priyanka grabbed her stuff and left. Somehow Lemon didn’t register any of it until the door had shut behind her. She closed her eyes and went to sleep.

The next day, Priyanka showed up at her door again, not too long after the sun rose. She looked tired, but Lemon said nothing because she probably looked the same.

“Sorry for just, leaving. I, uh, I was pissed off? I think?” Lemon’s jaw dropped.

“I’m sorry, you were pissed? At me? Priyanka, I get that I could have told you sooner but don’t pretend like telling you would have made me change my mind.”

“Wouldn’t it? Why are you moving anyway? When are you moving?”

“I miss my friends. I miss New York. I need a change, a get-away. I leave in two weeks”

“Jesus Christ,” Priyanka almost stomped past Lemon, sitting on the couch with an angry thud.  “You’re telling me, you move to New York in two weeks, because you miss your friends, and I am only just finding out now? That is bullshit, Lemon”

Of all of the reactions Lemon anticipated, this was not one of them. They never argued. They always poked fun, never too serious, always having a good time. But this was new. Lemon didn’t even know how to argue with Priyanka. She didn’t even know how she was supposed to react to hearing her full name, and the way she said it too. Lemon couldn’t quite place a finger on how Priyanka was feeling, not used to not being able to read her like an open book, and she fucking hated it. But if Pri wanted to argue, then they were going to argue. Lemon didn’t make this decision on whim, she needed to do this, she needed to move, she didn’t have a choice. 

“God, Priyanka, do I need to tell you everything? It’s not like I’m your fucking girlfriend!” She regretted saying it the second it came out of her mouth, no matter how true it was. They avoided the word ‘girlfriend’ like the plague, but apparently this was the line that needed to be crossed to have this discussion.

“No, you don’t need to tell me everything, but if you’re moving to New York? Yeah, maybe tell me. Maybe mention it before you have to leave in two weeks, for fucks sake, Lem”

She had stopped shouting, her voice sounding a bit more tired and defeated that angry. Things were complicated. Lemon thought running away would be the easiest option. And maybe she was right. Maybe the easiest option was still hard, but it was too late to change her mind now. The damage had been done, and now Priyanka knew that she would be getting on the train in two weeks time, and they didn’t know when they’d see eachother again after that.

They spent all day talking. Avoiding direct eye contact, getting goosebumps every time their hands accidentally touched. Unsaid ‘I love you’s floated around them, taunting them every time Lemon went over her excuse for moving. They hid behind sad smiles and even sadder eyes, but never managed to actually surface, not like they ever did anyways. 

They pretended like nothing happened the next day. Instead, they opted to make the most of the last week and a bit left they had together, refusing to mention the fact that time was slipping, or how much they would be lost without each other. Lemon spent her nights on the phone to Jan, planning logistics, but mostly trying not to cry about how she was leaving the woman who was quite possibly her soulmate in another country for however long without telling her how she feels.

Her final day in Toronto came round after what felt like a short eternity. She was only slightly ready. Her yellow suitcase rolled next to her and she drowned out the noise of the train station with her earphones on full volume. A coffee warmed her shaking hands as she waited for the train she was obnoxiously early for. Not long past before she felt someone sit down next to her and place a hand on her shoulder, startling her from the daze she had managed to force herself into.

Of fucking course it was Priyanka. And of course she was looking at Lemon with tears threatening to shed. Lemon placed her hand in Priyanka’s after taking out her earphones, and gave it a small squeeze.

“I don’t want you to go” Lemon wished she could kiss her and say she didn’t want to go either. But she couldn't because she would be lying. She wanted to go. She loved Priyanka, and Priyanka loved her. They both knew it, without it being said. But Lemon just wasn’t ready. 

“I know. I’ll miss you” Priyanka shook her head and tears began to fall down her cheeks, one by one then all at once. 

“God, Lem, what went wrong? Do I have to fucking beg you to stay or something? I don’t understand why you have to move all the way to New York, I don’t know what I’m even supposed to do without you here”

Lemon refused to cry. She absolutely refused. When she felt the back of her eyes stinging with tears, she simply shook her head and pushed them back. Not now. Not in front of Pri.

She took her other hand, and looked Priyanka in the eyes, inching in closer and closer. 

“Pri, I’m going, and it’s gonna be okay. I’m gonna be fine, and you’re gonna be fine, okay love? It’s time to just… let me go.”

Lemon released her hands and stood up, the action followed by Priyanka, who gave her a bone crushing hug, still crying. When she finally let go, she gave her a small kiss on the top of her head, and Lemon had to hold back her tears for the millionth time within the past five minutes. They looked at each other for just a moment, once again opting to not say anything, despite it being their final chance. Lemon gave a small nod, as if in response to the silence, before turning away and walking to her platform. She didn’t look behind her. And if she stopped holding back her waterfall of tears the second she faced the other way, she could hide that from Priyanka too.

[megalony]

Heartbeat- Part 7

Here is the latest part of my dad! Ben Hardy series which I hope you are all enjoying, any feedback is always lovely.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogermeddow @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @ambi-and-sunflowers @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me @peterquillzsblog @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh

Series taglist: @ispewglitter​

Series masterlist

Summary: Ben and (Y/n) haven’t been together long when they find out their pregnant. But (Y/n) fears she’ll lose the baby after suffering miscarriages before with her ex, Gwilym who is making things complicated.

Enjoy.

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"You know we don't have to go today, don't you?" Ben pulled a light cream shirt over his head before his eyes focused back on (Y/n) who was stood in front of the mirror. He didn't want her to think that they had to go out to dinner with his parents today, they could always say no.

"No, we're going, she's just a bit restless today." (Y/n) locked eyes with Ben through the mirror as she tied her hair up to keep it out of her eyes but she could see he didn't look convinced. She wanted to go out today, Ben's parents hadn't seen him in a while because he'd been busy it wouldn't be fair to cancel on them now. The baby was just being restless and (Y/n) didn't feel amazing but she wasn't expecting to feel perfect right now. Her back ached, she had a headache and her stomach was tense from their girl wriggling around all night but she would be fine to go out for a few hours.

"You sure? You didn't sleep last night and you don't look that well." Ben walked over to where (Y/n) was standing and looped his arms around her waist. He was smiling but his eyes were full of concern, she looked rather pale and tired, he didn't want (Y/n) to think that they had to go out if she didn't feel up to it.

"Thanks. But I'm okay, I just need a drink and something to eat plus your mum has been waiting ages to see you again so we're going."

"Alright, your the boss." Ben wasn't going to argue it because he knew this wasn't something that he was going to win. He leaned his head at an angle so he could press his lips to her neck causing (Y/n) to smile tiredly. She wanted to go out and she was hungry, staying home wouldn't be very fun and she wasn't sick so there was no point blowing off dinner today. "Someone's happy today." He murmured quietly against her neck before he pressed his hand a bit firmer against the base of (Y/n)'s stomach when he felt a few kicks to his palm.

"She's been happy all night." (Y/n) leaned her head against Ben's for a few moments before she patted his hand and motioned for them to start moving. They had to get going soon if they didn't want to be late for dinner.

(Y/n) rubbed her hand over her stomach a few times when they headed downstairs to get ready. It was such an amazing feeling to finally be able to feel a baby moving and kicking after never getting this far before but now it was like fate was making it up to (Y/n) for all the chances she had missed out on this feeling. Their girl hadn't stopped moving and kicking all night, it was a surreal feeling that (Y/n) knew she would never get used to.

"Alright, if you're sure then let's go before mum calls asking where we are." Ben checked his phone before he stuffed it into his pocket, he knew what his mother was like. If they were two minutes late she would start to get annoyed and panicked and would ring asking if they were on their way or not or if they had forgotten. She was a very punctual person.

"You know she'll end up calling anyway to make sure we're still coming."

The moment they got in the car, (Y/n) tried to keep her back straight to stop it from seizing up and to try and see if sitting straight made her feel a bit more at ease. She pulled down her sleeves over her hands to stop her from biting her nails that had gotten rather short lately and leaned her head against the window for a while. (Y/n) had never really been a fan of long drives and she knew it would take just over half an hour to get to the restaurant to meet Ben's parents. Being in the car for too long gave (Y/n) a headache and made her feel uneasy but they had only been in the car for ten minutes now and she already felt uneasy.

Closing her eyes, (Y/n) tried to listen to the music playing on the radio but it didn't do very much to make her feel any better. She smoothed her hand over her stomach for a few moments before switching and rubbing at her eyes, she didn't know what to do or how to make herself feel any better. She didn't want to turn up to dinner looking like she was ill and sleep deprived.

"Baby, you okay?" Ben turned his head to the right to look over at (Y/n) when he kept catching her shifting around out the corner of his eye like she couldn't get comfy or felt uneasy.

Ben's eyes flickered between the road and (Y/n) for a few seconds but he almost jumped out of his seat when he caught her suddenly jerk forward like she'd been asleep and was shocked awake. His hands tightened on the steering wheel when (Y/n) braced one hand on the door and her other hand pressed to her stomach.

"Stop the car."

"What- why? What's wrong?!" Ben looked back at the road to stop himself from swerving to the side but he couldn't concentrate on the road ahead for more than two seconds before his head turned back in (Y/n)'s direction. He didn't know what was wrong, she seemed uncomfy in her seat and then the next moment she jumped forward like she'd heard a gunshot. He would pull over if she wanted but he had to know what was happening.

"Pull over! It hurts, it r-really hurts." (Y/n) tipped her head down until her chin tucked into her chest like she was trying to pull in on herself and see if it would make her feel any better but she knew it wouldn't.

(Y/n) tried to take deep breaths but it was hard to control her breaths when her stomach suddenly felt like it was twisting itself into knots that she couldn't untangle. She felt the car come to an abrupt stop but (Y/n) couldn't open her eyes or turn her head to look over at Ben, she felt like if she just stayed tucked up like this then the pain might go away and she might somehow feel better.

"(Y/n), what's wrong? Please talk to me I don't know what the fuck to do." Ben tangled one hand in his hair that he pulled on until it felt like a chunk of hair was going to come loose between his fingers. He moved his other hand to rest on (Y/n)'s back but he didn't know how to comfort her or what he was supposed to do when she wasn't talking to him. It didn't take a genius to guess that the problem was her stomach and that frightened the life out of him but her not talking made Ben feel worse.

It felt like forever had passed before (Y/n) slowly tried to straighten up instead of leaning over like she was about to fall into the foot-well but a sudden groan left her lips and Ben could see tears falling from her eyes.

"No... oh no! I- I think my w-water broke!" (Y/n) kept her right hand pressed to her stomach like she was willing the baby to stay right there but her other hand lashed out and smashed into the dashboard before she bowed her head and let out a choked cry. They had roughly seven weeks or more left until they would be at full term and (Y/n) had been praying non-stop that they could get to thirty seven weeks because that meant they wouldn't be at risk of any premature labour or problems that came with it. If they got to thirty seven weeks it would mean that their girl would be healthy and have a good fighting chance of nothing or very little being wrong with her.

"Hey, hey don't do that." Ben kept his left hand on (Y/n)'s back but he reached over with his other hand and quickly grabbed her hand so she wouldn't try and punch the dashboard again. He knew she was in pain but inflicting more pain onto herself wasn't going to make her feel any better or make this easier.

(Y/n) didn't respond but she let Ben pull her back until she was sitting properly in the seat and not hunched over. She pressed her head back into the headrest but all she wanted to do was lash out and kick around and hit something because this wasn't fair. God had something against (Y/n) wanting a baby and he had made it so, so hard for her to get this far and now this was going to be it. (Y/n) didn't mind being punished, she had clearly done something wrong to warrant all her failures at being a mother but now their baby was being punished too.

"We're going to the hospital and I'll call mum on the way and tell her what's happening but remember what the midwife said, this could happen but you're not in labour yet. They might be able to hold off labour for a few days yet."

Ben hurried to get his phone out his pocket and he put it on his leg as he started the car up again. He rang his mum and put it on speaker as he turned around and started to head in the other direction to go to the hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Okay, how are we doing in here?"

(Y/n) and Ben both turned their heads to look towards the door when their usual midwife, Alice, walked through the door with a calming smile that wasn't helping (Y/n) very much. Nor was the question she asked which she had to already know the answer for by now. This was not a situation that they wanted to be in and therefore they weren't going to be very happy about it.

"Not good, they've given me steroids b-but you said I'm not in labour." (Y/n) rubbed quickly at her eyes to try and stop herself from crying because her headache was far worse from the tears she had already shed. She didn't want to sit and cry like this but she didn't know what else to do.

They had been here for an hour now and after being assessed Alice said that they weren't in labour yet. But a nurse had put (Y/n) on a drip and on steroids and the steroids implied that they thought she was going to be in labour very soon because they were preparing for when the baby was born.

(Y/n) saw the look Ben was giving her and the way he was biting his lip to try and stop himself from frowning or even crying but she couldn't help it. She felt like they were tiptoeing around her and pretending everything was fine when it wasn't.

"(Y/n), at the moment you're not in labour but we have to take everything into account and the steroids are a precaution." Alice walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed but she could see her words weren't helping and she wished there was something else that she could say which would make them feel better. They had all expected something like this to happen, they had talked it over and right now the best thing to do was to take every precaution and prepare for when (Y/n) did go into labour because it was evidently going to be soon.

"How long do we have to wait then?" (Y/n) bit down on her lower lip until she could taste blood in her mouth but it didn't stop her lips from curving down at the corners or stop her eyes from beginning to well up with tears. (Y/n) knew the outcome of this, she lost a lot of amniotic fluid and that was going to unsettle the baby and if she had more contractions she was eventually going to go into labour. There was no chance of her being able to stay in hospital for a few days or even a week before labour started. It was going to start soon and (Y/n) would rather not play the waiting game when it was never going to last.

"I don't know, honey. Hours, a day, two days, it isn't up to us and we can't give you a time scale. With your previous miscarriages, it was clear that you wouldn't get to full term, having miscarriages makes the odds higher that you'll go into very premature labour. Nothing has to be wrong for that to happen it was expected and I am sorry about that. With you losing your amniotic fluid we've put you on steroids to try and speed up the development of the baby's lungs so she'll be more prepared when she's born."

It was like an unspoken rule that (Y/n) was never going to get to full term or even to thirty seven weeks. Her track history meant that getting this far was a miracle and miscarrying more than once normally led to very premature delivery before thirty four weeks.

(Y/n) had achieved getting to thirty three weeks already and getting this far meant their girl would be a bit more developed and healthier than if she was born a few weeks earlier.

There wasn't very much that (Y/n) could say in response to that so she opted for staying quiet and looking at her hands which were locked together with Ben's very tightly. It felt like she had done something wrong or that she had failed when she knew she wasn't expected to get much further than this point in the pregnancy. Alice had given her a few extra scans and checkups and prescriptions to try and prepare for something like this happening but it still made (Y/n) feel like she failed. She wanted to exceed their expectations, she wanted to make it to thirty seven weeks and give their daughter a better chance, but she couldn't.

"Do you want me to talk you both through what happens when you go into labour?"

Ben looked at (Y/n) for a moment before nodding when she stayed quiet, he could tell she was being silent because if she spoke she would only want to snap and make a rude remark and it wasn't Alice's fault they were here. (Y/n) knew they had to be talked through it very soon because she wasn't going to be pregnant for much longer.

"Okay, well for now you'll be monitored every hour or so to make sure you're still in a stable condition. If your contractions come back and you go into labour you'll be given an injection to make sure her lungs will be prepared for when she's born. If anything happens or she's distressed you might have to have a C-section, but you might sail through. Or, if she becomes distressed anytime before labour a C-section might be an option for her best interests. When she's born she'll be in the ICU, we will check her lungs and her heart for any problems but chances are she will just need a few weeks in an incubator. Does that sound okay?"

(Y/n)'s eyes were tired and bleak and she looked away before she dared nod her head in response. It had to sound okay, that was the plan of action, nothing could be done or changed to it because it was procedure. No matter how many times (Y/n) complained or said she didn't want to go into labour or have a C-section, no one could change that because this was how things were going to plan out.

She just hoped things would work in their favour and make sure their baby girl would be okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I know you don't believe me, but she's gonna be okay." Ben smoothed his thumb over the back of (Y/n)'s hand as he hunched over slightly in his seat to be more level with (Y/n). He knew she wasn't going to truly believe his words even if they managed to calm her down a little, but that was okay. He wanted to try and calm (Y/n) down because the worry was pooling in her eyes and it made Ben's heart drop to his stomach.

"She'd be better if I could hang on a few more weeks, maybe a few more days at least." (Y/n) looked down at Ben's hand and slowly traced the pad of her finger over his knuckles where the skin was dry and slightly cracked in places. She couldn't look him in the eyes as she spoke because she knew he wouldn't agree with what she was saying which made sense to her.

(Y/n) didn't care if their girl might be fine when she was born, (Y/n) cared that if she could only hold off labour for another few weeks then their girl would be perfect. She would be fine and healthy and in no danger like she was now.

"She might have been better in a few weeks but that doesn't mean she won't be alright now. You got her this far when you kept saying you wouldn't get past twenty four weeks."

"I wanted the doctors to find something."

"What do you mean, baby?" Ben leaned his head a bit closer to (Y/n) and moved his free hand to tilt her chin up so she was looking at him. She was laid on her side on the bed with her knees curled up to her stomach like she wanted to go to sleep but was too riled up to dare think about sleep.

"I think if... if I knew what was wrong with me, it might be easier to accept that I shouldn't be a mother. Other women know, they get told that their tubes are blocked or their cervix is too small or they just can't support a baby to full term. Wouldn't knowing something like that be easier than being told your fine but can't do it anyway?"

Ben looked away for a moment, rubbing at his jaw as he felt the tears starting to fall down his features.

(Y/n) wanted to be told something was wrong with her because that would be easier to cope with. Other women got told why they couldn't have a baby or why they kept miscarrying and even though it would be hard knowing something was wrong with her, (Y/n) knew it would be easier. She felt like she was running a marathon. She was a runner in the race and everyone kept telling her she was fine but she couldn't keep up with everyone else and kept falling. There was no reason why she couldn't carry a baby but her body just didn't seem to want to do it no matter what her heart and mind said.

"I think that would be easier, baby, it would probably put your mind at ease. But does it matter now if there may be something wrong or not? We're having a baby girl soon and even if you can't get to full term, you've made it so that she will be okay if she's born now. Once she's here, will it matter if there was ever something wrong?"

It may be easier to know for certain that something might be wrong but Ben knew that once they had their baby, it wouldn't matter. (Y/n) wouldn't need or have the urge to find out if something was wrong because she would have the baby she'd always yearned for. Knowing what was wrong wouldn't make any difference to (Y/n) because she wouldn't need to know.

If she never had a baby then knowing would be the one thing (Y/n) wanted in life. She would want to know what was holding her back from being a mother and stealing that chance away from her. But whatever the reason, it hadn't held her back anymore.

"It might matter to her because I haven't looked after her-"

"No, no it won't. Why would she be upset when she'll know you love her and look after her with everything you have?"

(Y/n) managed a small smile when she felt Ben reaching over to gently graze his free hand over her stomach like he was reassuring her that it would be okay and the baby was never going to care about this chat. Moving her hand, (Y/n) brought Ben's and closer until she could press their hands to her chest, tucked under her chin like she wanted to keep them safe.

Silence fell around them for a few minutes, nothing else needed to be said for the time being and the silence was nice. They had been here for six hours now and had been going in periods of a lot of talking and then dipping into silence.

The silence felt nice, it felt calming and comforting because there was no one rushing around, no one shouting orders or trying to calm everyone down and say what was going on. It gave them both time to just sit and think and there was nothing they had to say right now. (Y/n) could have almost fallen asleep with the silence if it weren't for the hundreds of thoughts running around in her head.

(Y/n) could almost feel her eyes starting to close, but they opened rather suddenly and locked with Ben when a noise hit her ears. She watched Ben straighten up in his seat but the look in his eyes showed he didn't know what the noise was or what it meant either.

Moving her arm, (Y/n) pushed herself up so she was leaning up on her hand rather than laying on her side but her head turned to look at the door when Alice and another midwife suddenly hurried into the room.

"What's wrong?"

"Alright, (Y/n) can you lay back down on your left side please?"

(Y/n) could hear the heartbeat monitor picking up and she could feel her heart hammering in her chest because something clearly wasn't right. She slowly laid back down on her side again when Alice rested a hand on her shoulder to urge her to do so. Her eyes locked with Ben who seemed perplexed, unsure whether to stay sat where he was or to get up and do something or move out the way but he seemed frozen to the spot.

"It can't be labour, I- I'm not having contractions." (Y/n) moved her hand to her stomach like she was reassuring herself she wasn't in any pain. She wasn't on painkillers or any meds other than steroids and an IV drip so if (Y/n) had contractions she would know about it. And she felt fine, nothing felt wrong or off she felt better than she did earlier today.

"No, you're not in labour, the baby seems to be distressed, her heartbeat is getting too low most likely from the lack of fluid. We're going to have to do an emergency C-section."

"Ben..."

"Hey, it's okay I promise. She's coming now and she's gonna be fine and looked after, it's okay." Ben's voice was soothing and when he leaned over to kiss her temple he moved his hand to hold hers again but they were both shaking.

(Y/n) snapped her eyes closed and tilted her head down to stop a groan or a whimper from leaving her lips. This was the kind of luck (Y/n) just knew she was bound to get. She wasn't in labour, she was fine herself but now their baby girl was getting distressed and it was (Y/n)'s fault. Her body was pushing for labour and now she was making the baby unsettled and in danger.

If they tried to give the baby something to calm her down or pick up her heartbeat they could overwhelm her and if they didn't give her anything and just waited her heartbeat could stop and they could lose her.

She had to be born now.

[jeonchan26]

Give Me A Reason...To Stay (Part 1)

Theme; Angst (Namjoon & Reader)

Summary; With all the hurt comes happiness, at least that’s what you thought.

Request; Yes

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    You couldn’t believe it, you thought your mind was playing tricks on you. But why would it play such a cruel one? 

    You wanted to visit Namjoon at work it’s almost been three weeks since you last saw him but you knew that with their new comeback coming up he was extra busy at work. He would get home when you were asleep and leave before you woke up. You didn’t blame him though you knew that dating an idol was going to be hard but for Namjoon it was all worth it. 

    You figured that with everything going on Namjoon and the boys would be stress. You decided that they might need a little distraction. You packed all of their favorite foods into individuals baskets and headed towards BigHit. Once you got their you saw Jungkook first walking towards the elevator. 

    “Jungkook!” You yelled his name making him stop and hold the elevator for you to get it. “Hey Noona! What are you doing here?” He said with a big smile. He notices the baskets. 

“Do you need help Noona?” He said taking a few of the baskets of your hands. 

   “Oh thank you! They were heavy! But anyways I brought you guys some food. That basket is yours” You said pointed to the purple one. “Oh geesh noona thanks! You didn’t have too!” 

    Jungkook helped you delivered all the basket to the boys, they were all grateful that you took time out of your day to make them the baskets/ They loved that you decorated the baskets the color of their mics. You left the boys to find Namjoon who you figured was in his studio. He always seems to hide in there to create music. 

    You knocked on the door and heard a soft come in, “Hey baby I got you something” you closed the door behind you. 

     “Baby what are you doing here? You didn’t have to come all the way here” He smiled taking the basket from your hands. “Oh wow baby all my favorite foods!” He started unpacking the food and place on the table before putting the basket on the floor. “Come let’s eat!” He said sitting you on his lap you giggled and started feeding him.

“How is the album coming up?” 

    “Oh you know it’s getting their our deadline is in July and we are just about done with the last few songs” He said taking a bite of the food. 

    You were about to ask him something but were interrupted when a beautiful looking girl came into the room, you found out odd because usually people would knock before coming in.

     “Namjoon Ba-” She stopped talking when she say you and Namjoon. Namjoon quickly pushed you off him making his way towards the girl. You just stared at them confused.  

    “Irene baby what are you doing here?” You noticed Namjoon behavior towards her. ‘Baby?’ you thought he was reaching for her hand. 

    “What the fuck is this Namjoon! Who the fuck is she!?” She yelled pointing at you.

     “Excuse me who are you! Im Namjoon girlfriend!” You glared crossing your arms. You were trying not to break or show any weakness. 

     “Oh please! Im his fucking FIANCE!” You started at her in shocked you looked at Namjoon who was looking anywhere but you. His attention was either on her or on the floor never on you. You noticed the boys coming into the room due to all the screaming. 

    “That’s not possible! He is my boyfriend!” You stuttered trying to process what was happening. You looked at the boys and noticed them giving you pity looks. It was true, everything she said was true.

    “Namjoon, is she saying the truth” You whispered trying to make Namjoon look at you but he would just look away. 

    “Of course it is sweetie. You’re nothing but a homewrecker! Do you really believe Namjoon would date a girl like you! Why do you think you haven’t gone public.” She smirked. 

    “Irene wait for me in the studio okay! I’ll be there soon” Namjoon finally spoke after a while. You said Irene walked towards him giving him a kiss before walking out. The boys left giving you guys some privacy.

    You couldn’t hold the tears anymore they slowly started falling. “N-Namjoon w-what is going on?” You said walking towards him. 

    Namjoon sighed before looking at you, “I’m sorry (Y/N). I didn’t want you to find out this way. Irene is my fiance for a while now. She was gone due to her career and recently came back. I was only using you because I was lonely, you were there and I decided to take advantage of that. I-Im sorry I’ve never loved you” He said looking at you with pitiful eyes. “I never thought it would get this far” 

    You stood there angry, sad but mostly heartbroken, “So this part 9 months were nothing but a lie?” 

“Yes” 

   You felt like someone stabbed your heart pulling it out before stomping on it. You looked down at the ground trying to stop yourself from crying. “I guess that would explain why we were never public and you seemed happy about the fact that I didn’t follow you guys on social media. Guess I was stupid enough to believe that someone like you would fall for someone like me” you let out a sad chuckle. 

    “It was never my intention to hurt you the way I did..” Namjoon whispered. “But you did from the very beginning I was nothing but a distraction from her...Ima gonna leave you should send someone to pick up your stuff from the apartment. I never want to see you again, I was so stupid to have fallen in love with you.”

    You got up and started walking towards the door hoping he would stop you and tell you he loves you and that it was a mistake but once you closed his door you saw the boys waiting for you down the hall. They looked up when they heard the door close. 

    “You guys knew right? That I didn’t mean anything to him. That he was just using me?” You looked at each one of them and noticed their sad eyes turning away from you once you made contact with them.

    “(Y/N) We are sorry it was never our intention” Taehyung said. “No I get it he is your brother. Why would you guys care about my feelings right? Well it was good getting to know you guys. Mind if you guys pick up his stuff from the house.” You saw them nodding and you started walking towards the elevator.

    You don’t even know how you made it home but walking through the front door you felt the loneliness breaking down praying that this was just a dream. 

[scatter-kinnin-patter]

YOU WANT MORE COMABUR MEMORIES??? IVE GOT MORE COMABUR MEMS FOR YA!!!

A continuation of this post because I've been digging around and the memories are coming back more and more! Mostly pre-dsmp and S2, S3 is still mostly a blur to me b u t! Under the cut~

So I'll start with some pre-dsmp memories of mine. So as a refresher, my canon had Phil as my dad, Techno as my twin but older by a few minutes, and Tommy as our little brother. I don't remember our mom, though I know we always joked about Philza and the fridge XD I think Tommy was our half-brother, and had a different mom than Tech and I? Still a bit fuzzy on that.

I mentioned how my Tech was a piglin-human hybrid, while I was more "human with very few piglin traits". One thing I remember though was I actually had naturally pink hair that matched Techno's, but I dyed it brown and often wore my beanie to hide when my roots were coming in. I'll explain more why I did this later.

I remember pre-dsmp, I grew up in another smp. SMP's kinda... worked like varying realms one could teleport between? The teleportation was difficult though so there was rarely anyone who'd frequently swap between smps. But I grew up in Earth SMP's Antarctic Empire! Phil raised Techno and I, and later we had Tommy with us too! I remember it was always cold, but in our castle and fortress it was much warmer. Techno, being Techno, was extremely skilled in combat and strategy and Phil took him under his wing(hah!) as the technical heir to the throne and taught him everything he'd need to know about conquest. Me, I preferred teaching myself diplomacy, fighting wars with words rather than with blood. For a time this worked actually, Techno and I really balancing each other out, but soon things got... Eh.

Tommy brought it up to me first, I think he trusted me to open up to more than the others(sorry Tech and Phil but I'm the favorite xoxo /J) and basically opened up about how unhappy he was there. He wanted to explore the world, not be holed up in some frozen corner of the planet going and conquering a bunch of strangers just so we could follow Phil's and Tech's legacy. He felt suffocated in their shadows and... tbh I felt somewhat similar. So we made a plan, and one night we ran away without saying a word... Well, I left Techno a letter, but.

We ran to the portal, and somehow convinced Dream to give us access to the dsmp. I think he agreed because he knew that would knock Techno down a peg(my Dream and Tech were rivals for p obvious reasons). And we started over there. I dyed my hair, we got ourselves a new wardrobe, and we thought starting over in a small place without many people would be good! We lied about our past, though. We didn't want to be connected to the Antarctic Empire... both because we were trying to leave that part of us behind but also so no one would tell Tech and Phil where we were. This was our new start!

AND WHAT DOES TOMMY DO. START A FUCKING WAR WITH DREAM HIMSELF.

Tommy. Ily. But you're so stupid. /lh

So I've talked about how my mems from S1 and half of S2- up to Techno's execution- went, but I've remembered a bit more!

After Techno brought me back to his cabin, we talked for a long time about what happened. I told him I didn't remember anything leading up to my "death", and Techno filled in the gaps for me. I also didn't realize Phil was in the server because... Well I don't remember my confrontation with him. I also didn't remember my hypnosis, and since Dream is the only other one who knew, Tech didn't know and didn't relay that to me.

We agreed that for now, it'd be best if I stayed with him instead of back in L'manburg. And for a while I did!

One day though, Techno finds Tommy. ... Specifically the Tommy that was living under his house like a raccoon. Techno was furious and started chasing Tommy around, who was still hoaring his Gapples and whatnot, and when I finally walked outside to see what the hell was going on, I locked eyes with Tommy, and we both stopped.

He was white as a sheet, and looked about to cry, and luckily Techno stopped chasing him after seeing this. Again, Tubbo Quackity and Ranboo never told Tommy about me, he thought I was dead. I spoke up first with a "Tommy?" And he goes "Wil... You're alive?" To which I started tearing up- "Yeah... Yeah, I'm alive!" And we both just- broke at that, we ran to each other, I nearly crushed him in a hug and we were just sobbing. He thought I was gone, and I had gone so long without seeing my favorite lil bro that just... Aaaaaaa

After that Tommy explained his exile to Techno and I, and why he ran away and lived under Techno's house. I think Techno was softened up by seeing how happy Tommy and I were to be reunited, but also Tommy's his brother too, so he agreed to let Tommy stay too.

Now, Tommy was salty at L'manburg for exiling him, and Techno is anti-government. But- I think Techno was even more against L'manburg because of how hurt Tommy and I came out of it. So Techno and Tommy swore vengeance and decided to start doing crimes against L'manburg. I stayed out of it though- I was in good enough shape to take care of myself by this point, but I still way too injured to be in any sort of fighting shape.

And then one day... Techno came home without Tommy. Turns out Tommy sided with Tubbo in the end... and Techno was still determined to destroy L'manburg. Eventually they broke Philza out and- hoooooo that was an awkward reunion. Dream also came over from time to time to plan for their attack. I was. V uncomfortable around my Dream for reasons I couldn't explain(spoilers: it's the hypnotism that I forgot happened). I wanted nothing to do with their plan. I didn't want Tommy hurt, and I wasn't going to help them hurt him. I should've done more to stop them, but... Can't change the past.

After making a crater where L'manburg was, I confronted Phil. I called him out on doing something so awful... And he called me out for doing the same. He said to me, "Power corrupts, Wil. I've seen it with Schlatt, I've seen it with Tubbo, and most importantly I've seen it with you!" To which I retort, "You see it in everyone but yourself, Phil!" Because... ANTARCTIC EMPIRE ANYONE??? Turns out the Empire disbanded shortly before Tech and Phil came to the server, I don't remember how exactly that falling out occurred, but there was a reason why Tech and Phil were so strongly against any governments at this point.

After our fight, I left Tech and Phil. Tommy needed me. I built my own place not far from the crater, and frequently visited Tommy, Tubbo, and the others. Not Ranboo though, since Ranboo stayed with Phil and Techno. And Niki kinda wouldn't talk to me because she was... def also upset at thinking I was dead.

I was with everyone who confronted Dream when he had his finale with Tubbo and Tommy. He was NOT going to hurt my boys fuck no. Tommy took 2 of Dream's lives and you BET YOUR ASS I WAS CHEERING HIM ON(sorry Dream kinnies ily)

And then. Oh boy. Before Tommy could go for a third... Dream turned to me, and said something- I forget what, maybe it wasn't English, but it snapped something in me. I may have forgotten being hypnotized, but the effects were still there. Something came over me and I everything in my system was screaming at me to attack Tommy... so I did. I screamed, and lunged at him, but I was only able to tackle him and couldn't even get a hit in before Quackity and a few others were able to grab me and pull me off of him. I was thrashing to get free, but thank fuck they held me down.(Big Q ilysm /platonic)

It was then Dream revealed what he did to me way back in Pogtopia. He spoke something again, and I just felt that urge in me drop like a rock through my body, and I fainted then and there. When I came to, Big Q filled me in on what happened. Dream said he was the only one who knew how to undo what was done to me, and if he was killed, they'd run the risk of me doing that again. So they put Dream in the prison.

Now most of S3 is still blurry to me, but I remember breaking into the prison with Tommy. And that confrontation(which would've been Ghostbur if I was canon compliant but nope my canon is OFF THE RAILS). Tommy was with Sam, and I was stuck on the other side with Dream. Dream threatened that if he wasn't let go, he would "reset" me, whatever that meant. There was a lot of arguing and tbh I was terrified, but I knew I couldn't let Dream go. So I looked at Tommy and I told him "It's gonna be okay, Tommy."

And then everything went black. My memories after this are VERY blurry but- I think Dream somehow reverted my mind back to how it was during my Pogtopia corruption arc. And I had that itch in the back of my mind again. I'm the villain. Time to act like one.

... HECK THIS POST GOT REALLY LONG HUH... UHHHH ANYWAYS HOPE YOU LIKED IT IF YOU GOT THIS FAR IM JUST A V CANON DIVERGENT COMABUR >>

[cicinicole-14]

damn okay I have a glass of wine, some chocolate and many many tissues at the ready. Part 5 here we come

welp, good luck! the shitty tiktok I posted earlier went with this part and the last one. anyway. hope u enjoy!

Part Five

The next moments pass by her in a blur. 

She vaguely remembers them through a tear-filled haze. 

Like an out of body experience she’s watching somebody else go through. 

She knows Meredith somehow ushers her into the hospital as Alex yells for any OB, shocking most of the staff of his presence. 

She remembers Carina DeLuca telling her to lie back and for some reason the cold gel just feels numb on her abdomen. 

She hears ringing in her ears and it makes her think all of this is a fluke. That it’s the baby’s heartbeat again and it’s fine. 

But the ringing is just inside her head. 

She can’t bear to look at anyone while Carina is maneuvering the heart doppler around her stomach. She can’t look at Meredith, who’s gripping her hand. She refuses to look at Alex standing in the corner of the room. 

She looks up, staring at the bright, white lights. They’re starting to burn her eyes. Mixing with the stinging tears that are welling in her eyes. Everything is a blur. 

And then Carina is looking at her, sorrow filling her face, and she knows. 

“I was unable to find a fetal heart rate.” 

The words ring in her ears and she pulls herself up, not bothering to wipe the gel off of her stomach before standing up on shaking legs. She feels like she looks like a baby deer on ice but she doesn’t care in the slightest. She’s shaking, but she needs to get out of here. She needs to leave. 

“T-Take me home.” She whispers. Her voice is hoarse and cracking.

Both Meredith and Alex look up at her expectantly, not catching what she said. 

“Take me home.” She says again, more adamantly. 

“Carina is she okay––” Meredith doesn’t get to finish asking her question.

“Take me home!” This time it comes out as a scream. 

And with that, she walks out. 

The ride back to the loft is quiet.

Meredith drives. Alex in the backseat. Jo continuously stares out the window. 

It’s hazy out. Mirroring how she feels in this exact moment. She’s not crying just yet, it’s not raining just yet, but she knows it’s coming. 

She stumbles her way up the steps to the loft and ignores whatever Alex tries saying to her. She ignores the conversation he and Meredith start having as she heads straight to the bathroom and turns on the water. 

Steam envelops the tiny bathroom, instantly. Jo doesn’t even bother shedding her clothes before stepping right under the scalding stream. 

It’s hot, but it’s not hot enough. It’s not hot enough to wash away the pain from today. The pain of losing the only good thing in her life at that very moment. 

A sob wracks through her body, shaking her. She stumbles back against the shower wall and slides down, her knees bent into her chest as the stream showers overhead. 

Her hand rests on her stomach, empty and lifeless, much like how she feels in the exact moment. 

The water eventually runs cold and by that time, Alex is opening the door to their––her bathroom. He crouches down, pulling off her soaked clothes and leaving them in a heap in the shower before turning off the stream. 

She’s shivering and he wraps her in a towel, helping her stand up and guiding her to the bed. 

She lies down, facing away from him and pulling the duvet over her shoulder. 

He shuffles over to the other side of the bed, knowing that whatever he did next would either make her mad or have her ignore him nonetheless. But he pulls back the duvet anyhow, and sinks down onto the mattress, facing her. 

Jo doesn’t know what he’s even doing here. She doesn’t know why he’s lying in her bed, next to her, staring at her, but she can’t seem to care either. She’s numb and it’s all she feels in this very moment. 

“Why are you here?” She finally manages amongst the thoughts swimming in her head. 

Alex’s brows furrow in confusion. “You–You just lost our baby and I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He says confused. 

“No, I mean why are you in Seattle?” She says frustratingly. “Go home Alex, go back to your kids and Izzie. We don––I don’t need you here anymore, now. There’s nothing here for you.”

He reaches down for her hand but she pulls back, turning away from him, pulling the duvet with her. 

Alex swallows hard, and he knows it’s a calculated risk, but he says his next words carefully, but sternly. “You’re here, Jo.” 

He’s not sure if the statement, the confession, was a good move or not, but it gets her to turn back around and face him, yet a scowl still dons her face. 

“You left.”

“I know.” 

“No, Alex, you left. You left me, you left Seattle. You left your job, your life, your home, without a single word. You lied to me. You didn’t answer. You left us and never looked back for some notion with your ex-wife and children, for some chance to play happy little family. I can’t do that again. I won’t.”

He knows she’s right. He knows she doesn’t deserve that. But he made a mistake. 

“You made a vow, Alex. For better or worse, and you broke that. You broke me. You made me so happy and then you left and wrecked me so bad and I can’t do that again. I don’t know if I’m going to get over that, but I know I’ll never be able to do it again. You were it for me, and you ruined that. There wasn’t ever going to be anyone else for me, Alex, because of how bad you wrecked me. And now, on top of this all, I lost our baby.” 

Alex doesn’t know what exactly to say. He knows he wrecked her. He knows she’s in pain. He knows she’s hurting and grieving for the baby they lost. He knows he messed everything up so completely, that Jo won’t ever be the same again. And he hates himself to know that he’s the reason why she is broken now.

The silence is deafening, and he doesn’t think he can take much more of it. He knows he messed up and he knows he would spend every single day for the rest of his life trying to fix them, trying to show Jo how sorry he is for his mistake. He sits up quietly, pulling the duvet back and standing up. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“There’s nothing to be sorry about anymore. It’s done, Alex.” 

He swallows and knows there’s no other way to say this other than ripping the bandaid right off. “I’m moving back to Seattle. I had already made up my mind before I had even gotten your text about the baby.” He starts out. He sees her demeanor shift slightly, but he still isn’t sure how she’s going to take it. “I’ve been fighting Izzie for custody of the kids, since. Because I left, without looking back, without thinking about anyone but myself and the kids when I should’ve been thinking more clearly. I’m not in love with Izzie. I haven’t been in a real long time. Im in love with you, Jo, my wife. And I’m sorry I messed up. I know nothing I do will ever fix us, but I’d rather see you in the halls at the hospital once in a while, than know that you’re halfway across the country.”

Jo takes a shaky breath. “I want to forgive you, so badly, Alex, but you wrecked me. You tore down every single wall I had and let yourself in and just left me completely broken. So I don’t know how to ever begin to forgive you. And then to top it off, the stress of you being back here caused me to lose the only happiness I had left between us. I lost our baby!” She ends up screaming the last part at him as the hot tears roll down her face. 

Alex isn’t sure how to comfort her but he watches as she slowly sits up on the bed. 

“I’m sorry. I know you’ve lost this baby too.” 

“Jo, no.” He reassures her. “This isn’t your fault. If anything, it definitely is mine, but you know damn well miscarriages just happen sometimes.” 

She nods her head and wipes her cheeks but the tears continue to fall. “That’s not what it feels like Alex. I feel like I’m drowning here. I have my research with Bailey and my surgeries, but that’s it. This baby was my one last hope for happiness.” 

“Jo, you’ll have happiness again. I promise. I know you will. Even if I have to spend every day trying to make you happy. I’ll do it. You’ll be happy again.”

Jo huffs in disbelief, shaking her head as she runs her hand through her hair. “It’s just not fair!” She shouts before wincing, realizing the loud noise wasn’t pleasant. She squeezes her eyes shut and presses the heel of her palms to her temples. 

Alex reaches over, carefully, and lays a hand on Jo’s knee, causing her to look up at him finally. “You need a break.” He says softly. “You need to escape. Come to Kansas with me while I fight for custody of my kids. Just to escape for a little while.” 

Jo laughs. 

“I’m serious.” He states. “You need to take your mind off everything. What better way to do that than in the middle of nowhere, Kansas?” 

Jo looks down at the hand on her knee. “Alex, you can’t just walk back into my life and expect me to let you in again. This isn’t easy for me. You were my everything, and you broke me. I can’t just act like that didn’t happen and go with you to Kansas for god knows how long. I have a job here. I have friends. I don’t have anyone there. I can’t just go.”

Alex nods in understanding. “I just thought it would do you good to get out of Seattle for a while.” 

“Not…not with you.” She says softly, looking away from him. It hurt even now to turn him down. 

“Well, my flight doesn’t leave until Sunday.”

Jo shakes her head. “Alex, I don’t know how I can forgive you. I really don’t care if you stay there or come back to Seattle. We’re over.” She speaks softly, as if she didn’t want to be heard so it wouldn’t really happen. 

“I know.” Alex responds. “I’m just leaving the option open for you.” He says, finally getting up and heading towards the door. 

Jo follows him, watching as he crosses the threshold of the doorway and she pulls it halfway shut as he looks back at her. “Bye, Alex.” She says softly. 

He just nods, turning and walking away.  

ngl, this was one of my fave parts to write so far actually. it was an add on part that I didnt write originally but realized this was what the fic was missing before :) 

[lgbtqlegends]

angst + sleepy!sara headcanons part 4

there've been times on rough nights when sara's gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom but then as she's washing her hands in the sink, she catches sight of herself in the mirror and is filled with just absolute disgust and pure hatred for the person she sees staring back at her

and she's about to just look down and finish washing her hands so that she can just get out of the bathroom and back to ava. but then her thoughts get loud and her mind is screaming at her to just go back to bed, with ava, but her body just will not move and so she's stuck staring at herself in the mirror

and her thoughts are getting louder, yelling "monster. monster. monster. you're a fucking monster. a screw-up. a killer. you ruin everyone's lives. you don't deserve to be happy. you should've fucking died on the gambit. everyone's lives would've been better for it."

and suddenly it's all too much and sara can't take it anymore and before she even realizes what she's doing, she yells "STOP! JUST SHUT UP!" and she's punching the mirror and her hand is bloody and the mirror is shattered but she's still punching it and she's crying but she doesn't wanna fucking look at herself anymore because all she sees staring back at her is a fucking monster and she can't stand it anymore

and ava woke up hearing a crash and yelling that sounded a lot like sara (and she knew that it sounded like sara because it was sara). and now she's in panic mode because oh god what happened is she okay??

so she rushes to find her and it turns out she's in the bathroom so she walks in and sees sara sobbing, sees her punching the remnants of the now-shattered mirror with a really bloody hand. and for a moment, she freezes and doesn't know what to do but then her brain kickstarts again and she pulls sara back away from the mirror and out of the bathroom

and sara just collapses against the hallway wall and ava kneels down in front of her, carefully takes sara's hands in her own and is like "sara, baby, what happened?"

sara just shakes her head and sobs, and ava cups sara's face in her hands so that she meets her eyes and her heart breaks at the pain she sees there. and sara clearly won't be talking just yet so ava just goes and grabs the first aid kit to take care of sara's hand and wrap it up

and while she's doing that, sara asks a question that makes her heart hurt even more because the way she asked it,,, her voice sounded so broken and the question itself was a little hard to hear because sara was still sobbing and her voice was so small, but ava still heard it anyway, the unmistakable "why haven't you left yet? I'm not worth it." like a knife right through ava's heart

so she just finishes taking care of sara's hand while she thinks of just how to respond to that. and once she's done, she takes sara's face in her hands again, gently wipes away some of her tears and blows out a breath before she's like "sara, baby, i want you to listen to me, okay? I love you. and i am not leaving you. ever. you are so worth it, and you deserve the world and I'm so sorry that the world continuously made you think you don't. you are... so kind, and so brave, and so amazing and so beautiful and so, so loved. you are not a monster. you are not a screw-up. you are not a killer. and you are not worthless. and no matter what your mind is telling you right now, you deserve to live, and love and be loved and be happy, sara. and im so sorry you're in so much pain right now, but im here for you. through everything. okay? i love you. i love you so much. come here."

and sara just nods and sobs harder and ava pulls her close- as tight as she can- and cradles sara's head against her neck while sara grips at her like she's the only thing keeping her afloat

and sara gasps out that it feels like she's drowning and she's so fucking tired and everything fucking hurts and and it's so hard. and she gasps out that she doesn't know how much more of it she can take because god it's like she can't keep her head above water. and she begs ava not to let her drown, begs her to help her keep her head above water

and another sob rips through her, wracks her body and she clutches harder at ava and ava just holds her tighter because she doesn't think she's ever seen sara quite this broken, quite this Not Okay, not even after mallus or crisis. and all she wants to do is take sara's pain away because god sara deserves the world but not this,,, she doesn't deserve to be in so much fucking pain that she can't stand to look at herself in the mirror

and ava nods in response to sara's pleas and kisses her head and just says over and over again that she loves her so, so much. and sara's sobs eventually quiet down to soft whimpers and ava manages to get her up off the floor and back to their room. and they can worry about the bathroom tomorrow because all that matters right now is sara because she's far from any semblance of okay and she's exhausted, not only mentally but physically as well

so ava just lays down in bed and pulls sara to lay on top of her and she pulls the blankets up around them and pulls sara as close as she physically can before kissing her head and whispering for her to sleep and get some rest and that she'll be here when she wakes up and that she doesn't ever have to do this alone anymore

sara just burrows closer (somehow) and goes to sleep with her grip tight on ava's shirt. and the last thing she hears before she finally drifts to sleep is ava, murmuring as softly as she can "i love you so much, baby. more than you could ever possibly know."

and ava knows they have a long way to go, tonight only proved that and by the looks of it, sara had been spiralling for a while and ava's only regret is that she didn't see it sooner, but no matter how far they have to go, ava knwos they'll get there together, so she lets herself fall asleep with sara safe in her arms