#AND SODE ORDER LOOKS SO GOOD

[dumbasssdoodles]

Might be a bit niche but eh

[milkywayan]

Late 15th Century Nun

I have teased this for a while, that I am planning to make a medieval nun habit, and well... here we are! I have started! (edit: here is a disclaimer in case you have any strong feelings regarding this project)

I have done a lot of research, and am still doing more, as I want this to be nice and as accurate as possible. Nun habits are different from order to order and from region to region. And of course depends on the nuns rank. Currently I am trying to base mine of German nuns, as I have most sources for that, but ideally I would like to portray a nun specifically from the 'Nonneseter kloster i Oslo', as I live and do reenactment mostly in Skandinavia and for this cloister we have some sources on! A big source is also this book:

which is amazing! If you can read German and are interested in medieval nuns, I can 100% recommend it, it is well written, well researched and gives such amazing insights into the life of nuns it is great.

The habits are either white, grey, brown or black, and consist of a base dress, sometimes a scapular, sometimes an overdress or a cloak. And of course veils in different styles, in some regions also a nun crown.

I am still researching but currently my plan is a white base dress, and then build onto it by also making a black scapular, a black overcoat and a black veil (on top of the white). I already got a thin nice white wool for the veil!

And I also recently bought a few meters of a nice, thin, white wool for the base dress

it is very nice and soft.

I reused the pattern of my 15th century gown for the top part, as I know it fits and has the shape I'm going for, and also the sleeves are fitted. The habits have usually quite wide sleeves so I made them wide too

these are the cut pieces. You see that both the front and back are just straight, this is because they will get gores. One in the front, one on the back, and then some in the side seams. As of my plan now, they will start in the waist, so the skirt part will be full, while the top remains as it is now, which is loose, but fitted.

I then proceeded to sew the shoulders, sode seams until the waist, and the sleeves

it looks a bit boring, but hey that is nuns for you! Dont mind the stretching, I was wearing a shirt underneath and that messed the fit up a bit.

Next step now is to see how large the gores have to be, to cut them out and sew them in.

I am going to prepare that step, but not sew it yet, as I prepared it for a medieval weekend I am going to in July. So soon I will sit in Sweden at a castle with good friends and show some medieval sewing to tourists, huzzah!

I have not been sewing for a few months due to stress, so it is nice to be back and have a project. also buying all that black wool will bankrupt me I already see it!

Also, here are a few more medieval nuns for you!

[oh-for-fic-sake-library]

A Sires Bond Chapter 2

Masterlist

Summary: The dark sire isnt one to waste time, when he makes a deal he intends to fullfill his end immediately.

Warnings : Smut! A/B/O, Adult themes, Werewolves/shifters au, Dark magic,Fluff?, Angst, swearing

A/N: so here is the second part, i promise im trying to keep writing but my hard work for my shop has paid off and im currently getting orders in for custom dolls/animals. Its good news but my dolls are time consuming to make 🥲 16-20 hours each if im lucky hence i havent had much spare time to write and update things.

You both gasped at the first touch. The cracked barrier felt like thickened air as your palm passed through it, his warm skin burning against yours. He didn't hesitate as you did. His fingers slotted between yours and he held you firmly. A strange pulsing came from the barrier. Intermittent thrumming echoing through the air soundlessly. Your hair flicked, jumping with the movment.

Just when you thought nothing more would happen you saw it. Magic. It seemed to creep below you skin. Your veins glowed, a strange dark light emitting from them. Along with it came a strange feeling. Something between pins and needles and feather light touches gliding across your skin. You looked to him seeing his eyes alight with orange golden fire.

A quick sense of panic flared inside of you as the magic crawled up your arm. Reaching ever closer to your body. But you refused to deny this. You will not become a victim of someone elses decision. Just as the tingling hit your chest you relaxed. The ever constant pain of your loss ebbed away, as if it was being chased by him.

Once reaching your chest there seemed to be one quick flicker of light. Your entire body shuddered, trembled with the same odd feeling. And then it stopped. Every trace of magic dispersed and he suddenly lurched forward. Eagerly passing through the barrier as if remaining on the other sode was the worst fate imaginable.

You squeeked as he was suddenly upon you. Falling forward jn his eagerness, landing over you. Yet his reflexes kicked in and a huge hand captured the back of your head. He grunted heavily as his knuckles took the weight of your fall. But quickly bit off the pained grunt and hummed down at you seductively. Eyes taking in your wide eyes, red cheeks and full lips parted in shock as you yelped. An adorable high pitch sound that he had no doubt he could draw from you again. Next time it would be breathy and sweeter. A cry of unexpected passion as he claimed you. He was sure of it.

"So cute~ i could just eat you up" he mused with a smirk. Enjoying the way your cheeks glowed. He was sure you were a fair maiden. Untouched. He could not wait to sink his fangs into you. Nip and kiss his way across your supple flesh, tainting and awakening you all at once. Before gifting you what you craved, letting you take hold of him and create a new life.

He almost felt sorry for his new naive female. He would grow to love you, of that he was most certain. But he was under no false pretenses. For the moment you were both each others means to an end.

You will use him for pups,family and security. Even use him for your own passive revenge on those who wronged you by proving them to be the fools they are, making them regret casting you aside when you could bare more then one pup.

But he was useing you. Not only to escape his prison, but also to sire a new generation of perfected wolves. His hope was that his pups would gain notoriety and draw others to them. To become the male to have sired a renownd pack alphas. That his lineage will rule over these inferior wolves. Ultimatly proving that devious bitch goddess she was wrong to forsake him. That he can and will create something better, something lasting. His children will be the fiercest of all and will rule the entire race he helped create. He had a millenia of meddling to catch up on.

And he also wanted to prove that he could love another? He wants to show the gods that he can be worthy. That he would be a perfect mate! He wanted to show luna what she had missed out on. He hated thinking that luna belived he was pining for her. He was not. He despised her. Any affection he had left for her had died when she threatened to harm their unborn.

"Eat me?! But you... you promised? Please dont hurt me" you cried panicked once more. And tried to shuffle from beneath him in fright. He chuckled blinking slowly, before scratchingmyour scalp gently with the hand that cradled your crown. You relaxed slightly into the gentle touch, unable to deny the pleasurable feeling on your head being for lack ofa better word petted.

"Hush morsel. I would not devour you in a beastly sense of blood and sacrifice. I have bonded you already. My magic has krept inside of you, has seeped into your very being and tied us together." He purred out in delight, eyes flashing their godly orange before dimming to the blue you were comingnto love already. At the mention of magic you shivered, you could still feel it. Working its way deep into your very being, soaking you through with a delirious sense of want and need.

He hummed at you raising a perfect brow as you shuddered once more laying in the cool wwater did nothing to help you as your heat began to drift into your blood once more. He smirked as he caught the scent of a needy omega again. The flames of desire were quickly igniting as his spell reawakend you.

"Though i may feast on you when the mood strikes, i will never harm such a delicate mate. You are to be treasured, you are my light. My freedom and my future" he teased pressing forward ghosting your mouth with his, sinful lips kissin your as he spoke the heated words. You whined up at him pressing your thighs together as the liquid fire in your veins pooled in your loins. This was different to before, your desire was incomprehensible. Though it may have been dampened because of mikhail's swift refusal.

"Shh shh your fine, omega. Your perfectly safe with me. My sweet ripe little pup~ i have you. Its dofferent isnt it?" He breathed out senseig you slight panic. Many omega's were frigtened on their first true experience of heat. It was unpleasant to be tormented with such frenzied arousal you could bearly speak.

Your eyes watered and your hands gripped him tight, tiny fingers clutching mercilessly at his robes. You were confused and frightened.

"Oh i know child, its difficult hm? This is what your supposed to feel, this is a true mating bond my sweet;fuck you are soo sweet! Like honeyed ambrosia!" He grunted out through clenched teeth as the scent of his new found mate washed over him. He couldnt wait to defile you. He shifted holding himself over you before dragging you to him.

You could do little more then moan as he finally kissed you, his lips pressed hard against yours teasing your own. You somehow found a rhythm and fell into a delicious needy kiss. He licked and nipped along your bottom lip. He pulled the swelling flesh into his mouth, biting lightly before suckling at it like a pup on a breast. You panted mewling following his mouth trying to entice him to deepenthe kiss once more, al, the while arching your hips in uncontrollable movements. Your center seeking him out.

He shifted once more, rewarding your attempts with a single thick thigh. You moaned into his mouth as you found the hard muscle and began grinding onto it, whining and moaning for him aloud with little care. Your insides tensed, your walls pulsing with a need unlike any other youd felt. This was what mating really was? The undeniable hunger for your mate. Your body willingly tearing itself apart just so he would fulfill your needs. You quivered as you began to saturate your leggings.

Your hips jolted against him as he tensed his leg, and you sped up, rocking back and forth tending to your own need. Stoking your own fire useing him like a tool, as if his only purpose for being was to satisfy your own pleasure.

He grunted when you arched higher, brushing against his own need and released your mouth with a wet pop grinning down at you.

"I am your servant, your gaurdian. You shall never know pain again. Never endure torment, or need to worry or fear anything." He spoke with clarity, pledging himself to you in a flurry of sweet words. But the sentimentality was muted as he made sure to start tugging on the leggings you wore, his fingers finding the thick elastic quickly before curling them inside and peeling them off of you. You yelled in need before wriggleing your hips trying to help him rid you of them.

He chuckled dipping down once more at your insistence, you hands tugging on him trying to bring him closer. He locked lips again, this time pundering your mouth drinking in the cries and whimpers as you spiralled into a dazed heat, craving nothing but him.

You grunted at him as he pulled his thigh free from your own and quickly pulled your leggings to your knees.and in a swift movement you were rolled over below him.

You dropped your chest low, hissing as the position submerged your breast into the cool stream but quickly found a love for the temperature. Your body was boiling, your pussy wept a molten heat of longing. He groaned loud into the glen, the trees trembled at the beastly primal sound. You moaned as his hands captured your hips and urged you to rock back towards him.

"I am your protector and your might. If you give the word I will prowl this land and bring your enimies to a brutal bloody end." He spoke in a strained voice. His hot hands storking over your lower back, down your ass and squeezed. It had been a long time since a female presented for him, he'd not rush ahead befpre commiting the sight to memory. And you were a cute little thing.

"And me? What am i?" You breathed out desperately trying to press against him, searching for him. Willing him to finally take you and claim you for himself.

"You my dear? You are about to become and impossibility. An exception to every constraint placed upon your kind. You my little love are about to birth an entirely new era." His words were overshadowed by the howl like cry you belowed as he impaled you. He coildnt help smirk victoriously as your body wrapped aroundnhim so tightly. Your insides squeezing him with no complaints.

You moaned into the open air as his cock pressed jnto you. The thick rod prying you open, pressing you to your limits as he invaded you. It was a sweet pajn, the stretch and light burn form him making you feel cold. You grunted when he pressed further, you could almost imagine him protuding in your stomach. The thought made you wail louder tensing around him as if fighting for room in you own body.no. not yours, it was his now.

He grunted holding still as your heat suckled on him, pulling him urging him deeper. Fuck yes. He growled as you squirmed, turning to look back at him and tried rockingmon your knees. No. You were uis, and youd take what he gave.

He moved, slowly at first hands on your hips tugging you back to wards him, meeting the light tilts of his hips. You cried rung out around you. The mewling sobs of pained pleasure echoing around the glen as he toyed with you. He couldnt help it, he wanted to tease his new mate. But you were driving him mad.

You moaned as the male mounting you began to fuck you, the arching hips became harde and harder as he worked himself inside of you. Each thrust forceing the breath from you. And then like something inside of og him snapped he grasped your wasit tightly, fingers threatening to bruise as he jerked your body faster, harder and deeper.

Each pull made you more desperate, you needed him, needed something more! The trembling in your legs seemed to spread further. Crawling across your spine and tummy leaving tinggling in its wake. You couldnt describe it, the sensation of being one with your intended. It was all encompassesing and muted. Like you were trapped inside a bubble of unyeilding lust and heat.

He growled, curseing out loud fucking you in harsheder strokes. His thighs slping yours in scalding stinging swats, only adding to your heady ecstasy. And then he stopped, p,undging himself as far as he could. You yelped eyes wideneing as you felt something else. A foreign feeling, a swelling. But not y9ur own?

A stinging pain tugged at you unlike anything youd felt before. You cried out in fear turning to him, but a hand caught your hair, tilting your head back. You made to ask what was going on but could only let out silent scream when you felt teeth imbed into your neck. Fangs shooting down locking themselves into your flesh.

The pain coupled with the seering heat in your hea made you tense, your body twisting tightly befor relaxing in a mind numbing pleasure. You trembled and quivered finding your end cumming in one frighteningly powerful wave leaving blackspkts in your vision.

You whined almost collapsing below him, completely spent. But our mate was quick to capture you, one thick arm crossing your abdomen supporting your weight, whislt holding you still as he rooted himself deep inside of you. His cock pulsing, tickling your insides with his seed as he came inside of you.

You moaned when his jaw pulled free of your neck as he felt you coming down from your high. With a gentle kiss he parted from your bitten flesh.

"Shh shh thats me, my knot. We are one. I will release you soon my love" he panted trying to sooth you as you cried out and tugged, trying to pull yourself from him. Your mate sighed, It was always painfull the first time, omega needed to learn to appreciate the knot. For now you would weep as the sensation of being knotted, the burn was a knife edge of pleasure and pain, for the moment youd only focus on the latter.

You whined arching forward again trying to escape the pain, ignoring the warmth of his seed coating your insides with a hope of taking root. But not even the promise of pups could ease the full painfull feeling. He hushed you, pressing his hands into your back warming them, rubbing circles and long lengths up and down your tight muscles easing them. Encouraging you to relax for him.

"Together we will gift this world our pups. Pups that will grow into feirce rulers, and they will bring about a new dawn to this dismal supernatural world. Your species will not be mocked. They will be feared" he spoke, trying to draw your mind away from the present uncomfortable sensation of your first knot. It worked somewhat, he felt your excit en and hope spark through the bond. His heart leapt in his chest, it has been to long since he had shared this kind of bond. The way he felt you, the way your emotions pulled at him as you unknowingly broadcast them like a beacon for him. He closed his eyes swearing a silent oath to keep this bond, this union sacred and safe.

"We will be feared" he ended, the tone dark and foreboding as he finished his silent promise out loud. You'llbe feared, loved and cherished. Your pups will be worshipped . Your bloodline revered.

"So... whats your name?" You pondered flushing as you realised youd given youraelf to the dark sire without even knowing his true name. It was... demeaning in a way? You felt embarrassed, ashamed almost that you even had to ask in this postion.

"You know i have never given it much thought. I do not really have one, only titles. The dark sire, the shroud, hound of hell, hell beast, deciver;"

"Thats... actually really sad everyone should have an actual name" you interrupted him as his tone began to grow more acidic. It would seem even he held offence to the mamy blighted names he had been gifted over the millenia. You also felt sorry for him, you couldnt imagine never having something so important. A name was? Personal, it was identity being. It was acceptance and civil. To not have one was, it was unthinkable.

"Augustus? I was named Augustus a few hundred years ago" he spoke again quietly, his voice a purring hum. Thoughtful and deep, he sounded lost, adrift somewhere in his own mind. You faltered. Oh. Augustus? Like the boy from Charlie and the chocolate factory? The fat one who couldnt swim. You were pulled from your thoughts by a deep laugh from behinde.

"You are not fond of it? Me neither of course you can always help me find a new one. I am but a humble servant for my rescuer" he cooed, leaning down once more to nuzzle your neck unable to resist. You preened at the attention.

"How about August? Just shorten it? Its fancy but not old we dont want people to know who you really are... right?"you offered weakly, trying to avoid the old aristocratic name that made you cringe.

"August. I like it. And you are?" You felt a wave of relief flush through you. Thank the gods! But then paused your name? Oh! He doesnt know either... oops?

"Willow. My name is willow" his face lit up as he tested your name, letting it roll off the tongue in a languid purr.

"Willow. My perfect mate has such a unique name, it really does suit you my love." He added gently before taking your legs into his hands slowy and lowered you to the ground following your movements as not to tug on your joining. You hissed but managed to remain still for him only releasing a huge breath when the larger then life male smothered your back. Warming you instantly with his own body heat.

"Well willow, you should try and rest for. While, the next few days are going to be very busy" he uttered coaxing you to relax further, his kingstache tickled your neck and shoulder as his lips fou d your skin again gently littering it with kisses and gentl licks. Everything about he did was to keep you calm, docile and relaxed around him. Praying each and every moment that natrue would take its course and youd be pupped by the time you were released from beneath him.

[the-stitch-witch]

Heavenly Murder Mysteries

I had A Moment, and I'm not sure if it's a galaxy brain moment, or a 'red string conspiracy ready for a padded cell' moment. Please tell me what you think.

Gaiman said, when season 2 was first announced, that he and Pratchett had conceived of the story as a murder mystery. He also said, several times, that season 2 was not the story they'd planned - it was the necessary prologue in order to be able to tell that story. Which is a big part of the reason he's so desperate to get a season 3, and said that even if it doesn't get renewed, he *will* find a way to publish the story.

This season relies heavily on altered memories - we have the repeated threat of being Unwritten from the Book of Life, Nina comments that 'this isn't right' and she feels like something is playing with her mind, and Gabriel alters his own memories before Heaven has a chance to. Jumping off of @ariaste ‘s awesome theory about Metatron re-writing reality, we have our mechanism for a supremely unreliable narrator. Beelzebub clearly believes the Extreme Sanctions - being Unwritten - are a plausible threat, but Crowley brushes it off as 'something we used to scare the cherubs.' We also have that *quite* intriguing conversation between Gabriel and Crowley - "I feel like an empty house. A house someone lived in for a very long time, but now they’re gone, and the house can sort of tell where the things used to be." That's a metaphor Crowley *gets,* and when Gabriel complains that his head isn't made for those memories anymore and trying to remember hurts, Crowley tells him, "I know. Do it anyway. Look at where the furniture isn't." We have the implication that the memory-altering mechanism is imperfect, and Crowley has at least sort-of learned how to work around it - looking at where the furniture isn't, the tracks left behind where things were removed.

We also have Iain Banks' novel Crow Road featured front and center - to crib notes from the Wikipedia article, 'Prentice becomes obsessed with papers his uncle left behind and sets out to solve the mystery... Prentice's efforts to make sense of Uncle Rory's fragmentary notes and the minimal clues surrounding his disappearance mirror his efforts to understand the world and his place in it. The narrative is nonlinear, leaping back and forth with little or no warning, requiring the reader to piece things together.' We also have the three slightly out-of-place mini-sodes, that establish three physical documents recording Crowley and Aziraphale's involvement: the Book of Job, Aziraphale's diaries, and the photo of the two of them together onstage.

I have my own theory that Aziraphale agreed to the Metatron's terms only because Crowley's existence was suddenly at stake, and he's going to Heaven not to be a good little worker bee, but a murder hornet, to use Crowley's metaphor, and do everything he can to fuck up The Plan. He knows this is probably a suicide run - he makes an offer he knows perfectly well Crowley will refuse, to cut ties and try to get him out of harm's way. He seems less devastated than we'd expect, when Crowley does refuse and storms out. A clinical warning sign of suicidal ideation is giving away treasured possessions, and Aziraphale deliberately chooses not to take any of his precious books with him - "Nothing lasts forever." This, from the same angel who set out to prevent the apocalypse because Heaven didn't have sushi! This would also explain his tight, anxious little smile at the veeeery end of the credits - he's one step closer to the goal he knows is probably going to kill him, but he's going to prevent this second Armageddon, or die trying. But Metatron is far, far more powerful, and can literally rewrite reality. This won't end well for Aziraphale.

This is our setup for season 3. Operating under the assumption that season 3 is going to be a murder mystery... I think the murder victim is probably going to be Aziraphale himself. He's been Unwritten, and even if Crowley can't tell exactly what's gone, he knows something is. Something big, some*one* he structured his life around for millennia. He can see the spaces where the furniture isn't, and enough records to start to piece it together.

We get the quote from Aziraphale, "We aren’t in danger. Crowley will be back in a moment. He will have a plan."Nina: "Why don’t you stand up for yourself? Make your own plan." Aziraphale: "Oh, I am. But rescuing me makes him so happy."

Season 3 will be both. Aziraphale does have his own plan to try and protect Crowley and the world by infiltrating Heaven, but I don't think he'll get away with it. Crowley will have to be the one to solve the mystery. Season 2 was, very much, Aziraphale's. He occasionally narrates, we follow him to Edinburgh, the action follows him and his neighbors and his attempts to get them together. Crowley has a few asides, but this was Aziraphale's season. Next season will be Crowley's, trying to solve this mystery and find a way to undo it.

...we had damn well better get a third season.

[tonydaddingham]

I was worried about sullying your original post because it's really good by itself but I've had a lot of thoughts about the Job mini-sode and how it compares to the the Final Fifteen so here goes:

The original reason I even thought to compare them is because I thought the track that plays while they’re talking on the beach - Fallen Angel sounded a lot like one of the songs at the end - either The Biggest Decision or The End?. I haven’t been able to pin down what parts exactly but they all scratch something in my brain.

There are a lot of the same beats between both scenes though.

Aziraphale resigns to a fate that he thinks is about to befall him. He obviously doesn’t want to, but recognizes that he has to. In Job, it’s because he feels it’s the appropriate punishment. In the FF, it’s for a myriad of reasons (to make a Heaven worthy of Crowley, to simply survive, to stand for what is Right - whatever your cocktail is).

Crowley implies that whatever decision he’s made won’t be good for him. “I don’t think you’d like it.” vs “We don’t need Heaven. We don’t need Hell. They’re both toxic.”

In Job, Aziraphale says that it has to be done because he’s thwarted the will of God. In FF, he’s actively working as soon as he hears about the Second Coming (if not sooner) to fight the will of God - or at least the VOICE of God.

“Nothing has to change.” - As far as Crowley is concerned, nothing has. Aziraphale has still chosen Heaven over ‘our side,’ which while it isn’t a phrase that’s used in the Job episode, I would say is the early seed of that concept.

What is Aziraphale? - In FF, He’s an angel without a halo. He’s going to be the Supreme Archangel, but the truth is, he’s exactly what Crowley tells him in the Job scene, and he knows it. He’ll go with Heaven as far as he can in order to meet his end goals.

Lonely- Pretty self-explanatory.

Some other little things that I noticed is the way they’re framed at the end of the Job mini-sode is similar to the end of episode 6. Now they’re shown from the back in the Job but they visually take up the same sides of the screen. There’s a large distance between them, and there’s a stark contrast in how much light is on Aziraphale’s side of the image (even the water on his side sparkles more) compared to Crowley. You have the same effect with the brightness of the elevator vs the darkness of the car. As an added bonus in the Job mini-sode, Aziraphale’s shadow covers Crowley, which again goes with a lot of the thoughts people have had about Aziraphale making this choice to go to Heaven to protect Crowley.

So what I’m saying is that I’m not completely on board that Aziraphale might Fall, but the scenarios are similar enough to my brain that it’s a distinct possibility. 

good morning my lovely!!!✨

gosh, this is such good meta!!! i have to admit - my audio processing is utter shite; i can pick up a leitmotif after a couple of watches, but otherwise unless i listen to the music in isolation, i won't pick up what particular song might be playing in a scene etc... so the fact that you even picked up similarities between Fallen Angel and the two big ones is insane to me!!! im rubbish at it!!!

i have to be honest with you on this too... when i wrote that post, i didn't even really look in any depth at the narrative comparison between job and the final fifteen - it just simply struck me that we've had a blatant reference to aziraphale falling (even if it was only by his own fear) that, as far as we know, hasn't been reckoned with again in the rest of s2 (im still 👀 at the BOL mention in ep6 but that's by-the-by)

so basically the fact that you've gone through it to pick up these similarities is so cool; thank you for doing it and sending it to me, because its a heck of a lot to think about!!! now i don't think aziraphale is going to fall in the sense that we'll actually see him fall, become a demon, and that's that etc - i think more the threat of it, potentially to the point of being physically/figuratively (who knows how the fall itself actually works, but im not taking crowley's work for nuffink) pushed, and some kind of incident that prevents aziraphale from actually completing the fall.

ultimately, we haven't actually - imo - seen anywhere where crowley has singlehandedly saved aziraphale directly when aziraphale absolutely needed saving (ie there was no way aziraphale could have saved himself), and i wonder if this might be such an occasion where we see that happen...?✨

[sacksofpotatoes]

The Sode.

Your girl did an involuntary handstand courtesy of this throw.

Thankfully I'm okay, but it goes to show I gotta step up my handstand and cartwheel exercises up a notch in order to escape and to prevent myself from getting a bump on the head.

Being a fan girl of Uta Abe and knowing this is her favourite throw made it extra fun to execute. I saw the gleeful grin of my fellow judomate and knew we were onto a good thing. The split-second hip swiveling made me feel like a real judoka and it was natural to move faster and faster...

And then... Boom!

Like all favourite throws of top judoka, this is a power throw.

Oof. I had to take a while to recover from a fast one as an uke.

Will spam Uta Abe's YouTube vids later to view her version. 😁

Okay, so I viewed one of her randori sessions. Uke almost hits the tatami with her head but Abe's swift forward momentum and subsequent roll helps uke roll forward instead of face planting to the tatami?

I think uke at least did land heavily on her shoulder 😂 ouch.

Her opponents are usually vertically flying through the air whenever she does the sode or the koshi guruma.

YouTube commenter: "The sweetest-looking assassin on the planet"

🤔

Have you seen the bjj girls, commenter?

😂

Btw,

Have you recently thanked an uke for helping you learn? 😉

I personally owe a few people a couple of break falls. Well, in time I'll pay them back 😂

[dawl-and-dapple]

rating: general warning: no warnings apply relationship: Caleb Widogast / Essek Thelyss word count: 1,362

A standalone mini-sode set in my space-opera AU.

***

“Oh, that knife’s already clean. It’s good to use.”

Essek stares at the knife he’s holding. There’s a funny blue-brown stain along the blade edge. “I would like to clean it anyway.” He holds it under the running water in the kitchen’s sink and reaches for a block of soap.

“No, seriously,” Caduceus says genially, “that mark isn't dirt. It’s just...something the moss does, after a while. Perfectly harmless. All our knives look like that.”

Essek looks down at the red and white burr-like lumps that Caduceus grew in his miniature greenhouse. They’re tasteless and odourless, but spongy and unexpectedly warm to the touch.

“Is something wrong?”

Essek startles at Caduceus’ voice so close to his ear. The ship’s cook had leaned over to inspect the chopping board. “No. Um, I will get to work now.”

Caduceus hums and goes back to his side of the tiny kitchen. He’s been grating a root vegetable into a broth since finishing preparations on a series of creamy sauces.

With the knife poised over the moss, Essek assesses the best approach — perhaps making small and steep slices to prevent the lumps from tumbling onto the countertop. He tests this hypothesis, finding moderate success, and continues to dice up the moss clumps. It’s going well, until Essek’s wrist begins to cramp. He grins and bears it for about ten more seconds before it dawns on him that, having never sliced a vegetable in his life, Caduceus made a tall order in asking for his help in the kitchen today.

Essek flexes his hand as subtly as he can, keeping his back to Caduceus. Something keeps clicking in his wrist.

Abruptly, the kitchen door slams open.

“Essek! Come help me out!” Jester has arrived and is holding Frumpkin out in front of herself like a lantern.

“Jester?”

“Absolutely not,” says Caduceus. He points at the doorway. “No animals in the kitchen.” It’s the most stern Essek has ever seen the man be.

“Aw, but I just wanted to—”

“Out.”

Jester’s shoulders drop as she lowers Frumpkin and retreats. But before she can leave, Essek drops the knife to the cutting board and asks, “Is it urgent?”

“Hm. Pretty urgent,” says Jester. She wiggles Frumpkin, who is still suspended by his front quarters. “I need to borrow you for a few hours. It’s a real fur-midable purr-oblem.”

Essek glances at Caduceus, who has relaxed now that Jester and the cat are in the corridor.

“Sounds serious,” says Caduceus with a smile.

Altogether too eagerly, Essek abandons his post and follows Jester. He makes note to apologise to Caduceus whenever he can, although he suspects that Caduceus isn't missing his “assistance” terribly anyway.

Jester leads him through the adjacent common room where Veth, Fjord, Yasha, and Beau are deep in the throes of a game. A projected battlefield hovers over the middle of the room and two armies cover simulated hills, towers, and ditches. Yasha and Beau whisper to one another on one side of the table. On the other side, Veth and Fjord are almost tearing each other’s hair out.

Jester barely pauses as she passes by the group. “Kick their asses, Fjord.”

“Will do.”

“Try not to hurt each other,” says Essek, and then he’s being led out into the next hallway.

He chooses not to ask where he’s being taken and what the emergency is. If Jester wanted him to know, she would have told him already. But she’s being very quiet.

Finally, they reach Jester and Fjord’s cabin. Jester hurries him inside and drops Frumpkin to the floor. She then claps her hands under her chin and grins so brightly Essek nearly shrinks back.

“ Essek ,” she whispers, “you’re being summoned .”

“I’m sorry?”

She wiggles her shoulders and narrows her eyes. “Caleb wants to see you.”

“Could he not have spoken to me directly?”

“No!” Jester looks horrified. “This is a secret, obviously! He didn't want the others to know, so I'm being very subtle and everything so you two can meet up and hang out, you know, privately .”

“Jester, we are all on a ship together.”

“Geez, take all the magic out of it, won’t you?”

Essek sighs. “Thank you, Jester. So, where exactly is our navigator?”

Caleb is waiting in the loading bay by the shuttle. He catches Frumpkin as the cat runs into his arms and drops him into a box between the two seats.

When Essek approaches, Caleb has the nerve to look sheepish. “Ah, you came.”

“Jester made the invitation rather difficult to refuse.” Essek puts his arms over Caleb’s shoulders and gives him a quick kiss on the mouth. “But it was a strange one, I must admit. Unusually theatrical, for you.”

Caleb smiles. “It is only a supply run to the planet we’re orbiting — you might have noticed we are resorting to the moss again. But, ah, I wanted to surprise you. I think you will like what I have in store.”

The shuttle ride is short. Essek watches the atmosphere of the planet burn up against the viewing panel with bright roaring reds and greens, like a miniature aurora. The shuttle shudders and squeals through the final moments of entry and then they are soaring over the surface of a new planet.

A vast dry salt flat stretches out in every direction. It’s quilt-like with endless ponds and iridescent under a setting sun. “No complex lifeforms,” Caleb explains as he gently pilots their shuttle towards the ground. “Nothing which will try to eat us. Ideal, since we’re here for food ourselves.”

“There is native flora then?”

“Yeah, if you look closely.”

They arrive at sunset on a shallow cliff of cascading saltbeds. The crust at the lips of the ponds has Essek thinking of a waterfall frozen solid.

Once their masks are in place, Caleb climbs from the open shuttle door and goes straight to the edge of the saltbed. He kneels and dips the tip of a finger in the water. “Feel this. Like the temperature of a cooling bath.”

The water is indeed a comfortable temperature. It’s milky and bluish, like the sweet drinks Jester sometimes blends for herself. But Essek knows from the shuffle’s scan that this stuff is as toxic as the air. “There is plantlife in there?”

“Yes.” Caleb stands and wades into the water, then turns and holds his hand out to Essek. “Join me?”

Amused, Essek takes his hand and walks until he’s knee-deep in warm saltwater. Frumpkin, who has left the shuttle, sits at the edge of the water and watches with dimly glowing eyes.

When Caleb bends to grab something by their feet, he pulls up a fistful of greyish weeds. “Doesn't look impressive, but it tastes remarkable,” he says, putting the weeds into his suit’s pocket. “Caducus will make a wonderful curry from it. Congratulations, Essek, on your first scavenge.”

Essek laughs. “Still not the strangest date we have had, Widogast.”

Caleb glances at him sidelong. “Clearly I’m not trying hard enough.”

Before Essek can respond, Caleb is pulling away and walking backwards into the deepest part of the pond. The sun has set and the sky is indigo and star-speckled. Essek can finally see the faint luminescence in each of the saltbeds around them, and the source of that bluish tint in the water.

Caleb throws his arms through the surface of the water. A cloud of glowing creatures, likely no larger than the water droplets themselves, are flung into the air above him. Like tiny blue fireflies, they flit around in aimless, baffled patterns before losing to gravity and falling back to the water. Some cling to Caleb’s sleeves. Some have landed in his hair. The water's surface itself is a rippling miniature of a galaxy.

Essek wades deeper, joins Caleb, and takes his beaming face between his hands. “You are unbelievable,” he tells him, then kisses him.

“I knew you would like it.”

Two moons hang above them. One, large and lantern-like, holds the other in its shadow. Essek throws a handful of glowing water towards the sky, where the rest of his friends are, even if he can't see them, and he laughs.

[recurring-polynya]

If you could rewrite the zanpakto arc of Bleach, and you didn’t have to make it fit into canon, what would it be like? Aside from having a lot of RenRuki pinning.

So I guess this is just a condensation of my complaining from when I was recapping that arc, but, uh, you asked for it. I know this is a lot of people’s favorite arc, and it really just wasn’t my jam, so please, don’t anyone get offended by this, it’s just, like, my opinions, man. Everyone knows my opinions are terrible, I love the Cap’n Amagai arc, for Pete’s sake.

0) The Zanpakutou Arc actually has a lot of good Renruki content, actually? So I probably wouldn’t change much about that. They fight back-to-back in one scene? They are very worried about Byakuya together? There’s a cute li’l scene where Renji lets Rukia into Byakuya’s office to rifle through his things and he says “Don’t work too hard”? And then in the companion Sword Beasts arc, there’s that bit where they are hanging out at B’s house together, eating dango.

1) To be honest, I just wouldn’t. Zanpakutou spirits manifesting is a prerequisite to bankai and I would like it to be treated as a serious part of the lore and the way this arc plays out is too silly for me. If they wanted to just do some goofy one-shots that very obviously exist in the same pseudo-canon as the Shinigami’s Cup, I’m fine with that. There are several very funny episodes in the follow-on Sword Beasts arc, I just don’t want it to be even remotely canon.

2) There were too many humanoid zanpakutou spirits. I am not here for it. First order of business, bring back Nue Zabimaru. Hozukimaru needs to be a big-ass sleepy dragon. Hyourinmaru should be a dragon most of the time, who occasionally turns into a dude, I can accept that. Kazeshini should just be a spooky voice in the darkness. Haineko should be a cat, not a catgirl, and get rid of those shorts. Tobiume: tree. Maybe sometimes a shrine maiden, but mostly a tree. On fire.

3) I am a character writer, first and foremost, and I would have focused this arc intently on building character by carefully curating the fundamental beef that each zanpakutou has with their wielder. For starters, I think that, for the most part, Muramasa should not have been able to seduce any of the zanpakutou spirits of the captains. Attaining bankai is supposed to be an intimate act of intense connection that some interloper shouldn’t be able to break. This was true of Byakuya and Senbonzakura in the actual arc, and I think it should also have been true of Kyouraku, Ukitake, Komamura, Yamamoto, and probably Unohana. (I am dying to know more about Unohana’s relationship with her zanpakutou, and I would probably hint at it without revealing too much). Soi Fon and Kurotsuchi treat their zanpakutou like shit, and I would dig into that. I think Hitsugaya’s arc was just about right-- Hyourinmaru wavered and was very confused, and ultimately came back to Hitsugaya without too much trouble. Hitsugaya is the youngest captain and his bankai is incomplete, and the vibe of it was that he does have a good rapport with his zanpakutou, especially given that his particular zanpakutou is ancient, venerable, and very, very powerful. Now, the place where the story really needs to be happening is at the vice-captain level, where everyone has all manner of intra-personal problems that Muramasa could tap into and amplify. Here are the conflicts I would zoom in on:

Sode no Shirayuki is McPissed that Rukia just... gave her to Ichigo and also almost let herself get executed

Zabimaru would be mad that Renji spent all that time training to defeat Byakuya and now what? He’s just, like, Byakuya’s li’l sidekick? Gross. In fact, if we keep the Byakuya-betrays-everyone aspect, I can see Zabimaru sticking with Renji (since he does have bankai) but wanting a piece of Byakuya and Senbonzakura and we could have a really cool confrontation at some point. Zabimaru should also be constantly trying to fight Zangetsu and trying to get Renji to fight Ichigo. Strike that-- Zabimaru should constantly be trying to get Renji to fight everybody.

Hozukimaru should be upset that Ikkaku hides the beautiful bankai that Hozukimaru gave him and also that he lost that pillar, wtf dude

I would have spent 96% of my animation budget making Ruri'iro Kujaku as beautiful and ethereal as possible and they (non-binary) should have just murdered Yumichika out of spite and fucked off to the Eternal Plane of the Extremely Beautiful

My Haineko would be raw as hell and would dig into Matsumoto for hiding behind alcohol and lightheartedness and I would have put some stuff in there about how maybe being the person your zanpakutou wants you to be is maybe not the same as being a good or emotional healthy person

I hated the idea that Tobiume criticized Momo for being weak after Momo said that her zanpakutou had really helped with her recovery. I would have gone way in the other direction, where Tobiume is extremely overprotective of Momo and wants to keep anything bad from happening to her

Hisagi something something I did not read CFYOW

4) I would not have been a huge coward with regard to Ise, Kotetsu, Iba, or Zaraki fuckin’ Kenpachi. We should have either gotten to see their zanpakutou or they should not have appeared. It would probably be really hard, but I would have done an off-putting, low-priority story thread of Yachiru having a lot of trouble concentrating, or, like, running off, and Zaraki has to go find her, that would hint at their ultimate relationship without being too blatant. Oh, Yoruichi, too, I just remembered Yoruichi was in this.

5) Look, if I were Ichigo and I had to go to Soul Society to save everyone from their own zanpakutou I WOULD BRING FUCKING ORIHIME AND CHAD!!! I wouldn’t being Ishida, but he would come anyway and be the most sanctimonious bastard about all that that you could possibly imagine. Anyway, then I would go in an absolutely wild direction and have Orihime and Chad and Uryuu find out that they do have Inner Worlds and embodiments of their powers and I would devote a lot of the arc to that.

6) Soujun should have been in the Kouga flashbacks, even if, only like, for a minute. Please let me see Byakuya’s dad in his infinite softness. I am begging.

7) I would get rid of Muramasa’s gross fingernails

[penrose-quinn]

Hi pen!! I'd like to ask what are your thoughts about Gojo? Cuz youre so good as decrypting characters and describing their deepest traits. I tend to linger in their shallow sode despite wanting to know them better. So please, if ever you have time to answer, please do!!! Thank you so much (also, youre one of the best writers I know out there and trust me, I know a lot.)

Heyoo, anon!!

Aww, thank you so much for this sweet message! I try writing these characters to the best of my understanding so this sent me flying to all sorts of places ❤️💜💙

So Gojo.

Where do I even start with this guy?

I actually love him more than I thought I did.

(There’s manga spoilers under the cut)

Tbh, Gojo actually reminded me of my eccentric professors in art school haha.

Back then, I just thought he was cool. The hype behind his character when the anime came out sort of ruined him for me, but because of that, other characters like Nanami and Geto (hell, even Mahito) outshined him so I understand where you're coming from, anon, about lingering to his more shallow sides. I didn't really have a deeper grasp on his character until I reread Hidden Inventory Arc again, followed by Shibuya Arc (ಥ_ʖಥ) and then the Prequel. And well, retreading back to some various interpretations of his character from fics.

It sort of led me to realize: "Wow, he must be the loneliest guy ever."

And it just clicked for me there.

Arguably, Gojo still has his students and he does have friends, but they do rely on him a lot and he always takes it upon himself to let them rely on him, given how many times he's worked his ass off saving kids from executions and keeping things in order (to the best of his abilities at least, before ya know). 

Before, Gojo had Geto to rely on, but now there's no Geto. There's just him. Who does the strongest rely on when you are in fact who everyone relies on and strives to be? Who has surpassed his limits, overcome death, and tipped the balance of the world? 

All that power, that responsibility - it’s such a lonely place to be in. 

And what’s worse is that it doesn’t seem like he’s allowed to show instances of weakness/vulnerability because there are larger consequences if he does. (ft. Shibuya Arc)

But that isn't to say Gojo is miserable. Far from it, really. But I do think he doesn't know how to properly handle his emotions - his grief.

And that’s actually another thing.

For a someone who is undoubtedly the strongest, he mourns.

Gojo mourns for his losses and loses so, so much. 

Because of that, he does his best to protect what he can. Goes out of his way to make people stronger because he realizes that he can’t always save everyone, despite the impossible feats he has accomplished by himself. (Which is honestly such a great development and motivation for his character.)

Also: I get where Gojo is coming from by trying to raise a new generation of sorcerers to overthrow the old, rotten system, but I don’t fully support him on his methods lol. He’s kind of making himself into a bit of a hypocrite there by using the kids like that (you know, like the higher-ups you hate so much) but to be fair, he treats them better and he does genuinely care for them. (But, but, but-)

But I don’t mind: it makes him flawed. He’s done a lot of morally questionable things already, but not without reason.

And yet, I believe he’s a good guy. Still lacking a bit in empathy and may be unstable, but a good guy.

Here me out on this one.

This is an unpopular opinion: But I don't think Gojo is as much of an asshole as people like to paint him as. Sure, he messes with everyone. Oftentimes, he doesn't have a sense of boundaries and will go too far with his antics. He's someone who doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks about him, doesn't hold grudges too deeply, lacks tact with the way he talks and interacts with people. Doesn't excuse his behavior, but still.

This is the guy that went out of his way to search for the son of the man that almost killed him. That's willing to help a girl who's going to be erased in order for her to live a normal life. And this is HS!Gojo. The same bratty Gojo that gets flack for looking down on the weak. He could have, but you don't see him going down the genocide route to resolve his issues (I’m sorry for the shade Geto bby Ily but your plan’s whack).

Don't even get me started with the mischaracterizations and the bad takes about him being a narcissist or turning into the final villain or him getting neutered once he's free from the prison realm just because 'he's too OP' or some other reason like that. Sorry for the mini-rant, anon.

Anyways, yes. I believe he's a good person.

Lastly, another lovely thing about him is that Gojo sees the potential in people - his students, his friends. Despite growing up in a close-minded, conservative world, he acknowledges and doesn't underestimate Toji and Maki's strength despite the prejudice on Heavenly Restriction. He also acknowledges this in people like Yuji (despite being Sukuna's vessel) and Yuta (despite being cursed) who are supposed to be in death row because of the close-minded prejudices surrounding them. He is someone who values strength in different places. It also makes so much sense for his character, given what he's been through to be where he is now, and how it's very fitting for him to become a teacher, despite the eccentric way of teaching.

I could go on and on about Gojo. He's that much of a complex character, but I'll admit I'm more scattered writing meta than I am writing fiction so apologies if my thoughts went all over the place! These are just some highlight points I could explain, but I'd argue there's a lot more.

Anyways, anon, thanks again for the ask! I hope you have a good/day or night! 💖

[forestwater87]

Every episode of Camp Camp ranked: A very (non)objective list

It's well past the time of year when Season 5 of Camp Camp would've dropped. I fully understand and support it not coming out; the crew's health and safety are much more important than a comfort show.

However . . . man, would it be nice to have some comfort right now.

So I'm reliving the entire series! I've been known to share with the world a whole bunch of Spicy Hot Takes, but I've never really sat down and talked about my feelings about the show as a whole. 

And what's the best way to do that? Well, just ask Jenny Nicholson: a numbered list! That is, here's the series ranked from worst episode to best, because I want to get the negativity out of the way early and focus on everything I love (and because people enjoy complaining, so let’s frontload all that). 

The takes will be hot. The feelings will be intense. The post, I'm assuming, will be largely unread.

Let's do it!

Oh and duh, there are spoilers. I tried to keep it pretty chill, but you’ll want to have watched the whole show or just not care about spoilers before going forward.

Also slashes in the middle of “naughty words” are meant to prevent this from being kept out of the main tags. Who knows if it’ll work? I don’t.

60. Who Peed the Lake? (Season 4, epis/sode 3)

Ah, good ol' Pi/ss Lake (or as @hopefullypessimistic84​ calls it because she's funnier than any of us will ever be, “Pis/s Fe/tish Dot Com”). Terrible, one of the few I’d consider nigh unwatchable. I actually kind of love this episode for being such great shorthand for "the absolute worst one."

Who signed off on an entire episode centered around Sherlock Holmes meets a bad om/o joke? Give me names and addresses: I just want to talk.

59. Reigny Day (Season 1, episode 6)

And nobody was surprised.

I'll admit I'm more willing to defend this episode than many people, but it's not . . . like, good. It seemed okay when there were only 11 other episodes to compare it to, but now that there have been so many bangers, this comes across as extremely weak. 

And let’s just say the Na/zi jokes hit a lot differently in 2020 than they did in the summer of 2016.

I’m overall happy with the direction the showrunners have moved Dolph’s character in, and I can’t totally blame them for using a kind of humor that was fairly common in the pre-Trump era, but yikes, this has aged like milk. And it wasn’t even very funny at the time, so it aged like milk that was already pretty bad to begin with.

58. Squirrel Camp (Season 4, episode 10)

This is a dumb one.

Not much else to say; it’s just kinda stupid and lame.

57. Fashion Victims (Season 4, episode 13)

I love Sasha, but this is filler. Which isn’t in itself a bad thing -- I have a couple episodes near the top that could reasonably be called filler, and a valid argument could easily be made that “filler episodes” don’t actually exist in a show with no plot -- but as much as I adore the Flower Scouts and enjoy the handful of good moments we get in this episode . . . who cares? Does anyone really give a sh/it about anything that happens here? Does anyone get their life from this one?

I didn’t think so.

56. Foreign Exchange Campers (Season 3, episode 3)

I know, I know, your Russian waifu came from this episode. Why do you think it’s so low on this list?

Okay, for real: this is . . . fine. It’s fine. It’s fine? I’m not mad at it, it just feels tonally incongruous and not very memorable beyond the fact that the fandom got really weird and kinda gross about Vera. But the episode itself? There’s some cute stuff with Neil and Nikki being jealous, but for the most part it’s a big hunk of white bread with some super mild white cheese that’s kinda soggy from sitting in a bag for too long and getting all condensation-y. 

That is to say: it’s fine.

ETA: Space Kid does say “fu/ck.” I can’t decide if that’s a point in the episode’s favor or against it.

This is the last of what I’d call the “bad” episodes. Everything after this ranges from mediocre to mind-blowingly amazing. But whatever our failing tier of Camp Camp episodes is, it stops right about here. 

Onto the good stuff!

55. Night of the Living Ill (Season 2 Halloween episode)

I keep switching this with “Eggs Benefits,” which probably means they should be tied. But whatever, this is my list and I am in charge and I’ve finally decided, after like 5 changes, that I like this one a little bit less.

It’s a fun Romero parody with nothing I’d call bad. Really this one’s only so low on the list because I think it’s kinda icky, and looking at those green snotty faces makes me queasy. If you think this is a bad reason to put it near the bottom of the list, then make your own post.

54. Cameron Campbell Can't Handle the Truth Serum (Season 4, episode 11)

I . . . don’t remember this at all. I initially had it a bit higher because I tend to love things with Campbell in them, but then I realized that nothing about this episode stuck in my brain even a little bit. 

Oh, this is the “Dolph has autism” episode that made everyone either extremely happy or really mad? Okay. I guess that’s the most remarkable thing about it. Neato.

Cam, I love you, but this was just not the best use of your sleazy charm.

53. Eggs Benefits (Season 2, episode 9)

This is one of those episodes with enough cute moments and good ideas to save it from being totally unmemorable, and I mostly enjoy rewatching. Platypus being a mom is a fabulous idea, and pairing the campers the way they did was mostly really interesting and fun.

The Preston-Nurf stuff takes it down several pretty significant notches, though. It’s what the kids would call problematic, and while I normally enjoy how the show doesn’t skew away from darker themes and jokes, it didn’t really fit either of their characters and just . . . isn’t fun to watch. It’s not especially funny, it’s not especially tragic, it’s just uncomfortable.

52. Camp Campbell Wants YOU! (Season 1, episode 0)

Honestly, this would be a lot higher if it was a full-length episode. It’s funny.

The next 5 or so episodes fall under the “cute but not very memorable” umbrella:

51. Nikki's Last Day on Earth (Season 3, episode 4)

I love the ensemble episodes, so this was always going to score higher than any of the single-character “meh” eps. I didn’t see the twist coming, though I know a lot of other fans did. Textbook example of “cute but not very memorable” -- the Platonic ideal of that concept.

50. The Candy Kingpin (Season 3, episode 9)

A clever idea that plays on Max’s worst characteristics and then calls him out for them, while also giving Dolph some much-needed character development. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like it really picks up until the last third of the episode, leaving the rest just kind of sitting there.

49. Campfire Tales (Season 4, episode 13)

Who doesn’t love campfire stories?

That’s all I got. They’re campfire stories.

ETA: OH SH/IT THIS ONE HAS THAT REALLY SCARY STORY! Where David’s all like . . . Slenderman’d. Fu/ck, I didn’t remember that until I was writing out my thoughts for #35 or so. That definitely elevates it, but I’m too tired to try and re-decide where this should go, so just tie it with “New Adventure!”

48. New Adventure! (Season 4, episode 4)

New trio! Focusing on these 3 was a definite risk, and I think it really paid off. While the “plot” itself isn’t anything special, there are a handful of really great side gags (hi, Dirty Kevin!!!!) and it’s fun to see these three interact. They all get some nice character beats. It’s a good time.

47. Something Fishy (Season 3, episode 8)

This might’ve hit me harder if I’d actually seen The Shape of Water, but the send-up works fine without having more than the seen-the-trailer level of understanding. Gwen dresses pretty, which I love; Max sucks, which I also love. What drags this one down is mostly feeling like the surreal aspects of the comedy go a bit too far into the “what the fu/ck am I looking at?” territory without really . . . making an actual joke beyond “look! Wacky!"

Why is David at the opera with a bird? Why??

46. City Survival (Season 3, episode 11)

Literally do not remember a single thing about this episode except David getting mugged and being called a “homeless twi/nk.” That should probably rank it lower on the list, but David being a fluttery mother hen saves it for me -- as does the fact that it leads directly into one of my favorite episodes, and the single best story arc of the series.

Next set of episodes is what I’m going to arbitrarily call “okay! but like the good kind of okay, not the bad kind.”

45. Bonjour Bonquisha (Season 2, episode 7)

Max and Sasha masterminding a scheme is really fun; their dynamic is great (though it won’t be fully realized until Season 4), and heartbroken David is so tragically cute it actually makes my heart explode out of my chest.

Also I can’t resist a good “3 kids in a trench coat” gag.

44. Anti-Social Network (Season 2, episode 2)

Neil is very relatable and I don’t have much else to say about this one. It’s fun to see an episode that more heavily focuses on our nerdy science boy, and Max and Neil teaming up to save Nikki was really charming and sweet and set my Makkiel ship out to sea.

43. A Camp Camp Christmas, or Whatever (Season 2 holiday episode)

Why does this episode have a musical number? It’s not good.

Okay, that was mean. This is fun and cute and Gwen wears a pretty purple sweatshirt and Space Kid gives her a present and it’s really sweet. But that musical number is an instant fast-forward for me, sorry.

42. Preston Goodplay's Good Play (Season 4, episode 7)

We get some Preston character development! Awesome!

It’s done in a really trippy and surreal way that totally fits his character and heightens the drama of the episode! Awesome!

David has an apparently-tragic history of being a French mime! Not a good call! 

Next tier: Some good sh/it! (Tbh, these could all be put in just about any order; they might as well be one massive tie.)

41. Cookin' Cookies (Season 2, episode 11)

I love the Flower Scouts. I love Dirty Kevin. I love the idea of accidentally starting a dru/g empire. Another weird, borderline experimental one focusing on side characters, and I think it works better than “New Adventure!” because the scale of the melodrama is just so over-the-top.

The fact that this is in the bottom 20 but I have nothing but good things to say about it illustrates how dang good this show is. It’s only getting better from here, folks!

40. Romeo & Juliet II: Love Resurrected (Season 1, episode 7)

Preston is a terrible playwright. This makes sense, because he’s like 11, but he’s the kind of hilariously bad I wish I’d been as a preteen, because his play is absolutely bonkers. Max fucking with David is great, Tabii vs. Bonquisha is great, Bonquisha in general is a giant amazonian goddess and I want to be swept up into her giant arms. Neil is . . . a robot, for some reason?

So much fun!

39. Camp Cool Kidz (Season 1, episode 4)

I don’t love Ered’s characterization in this one, but there are a lot of wacky hijinks in this episode that I think make it really enjoyable. Max’s wide-eyed revolutionary naïveté is a fun change from his usual dour pessimism, and Nikki’s loyalty to Ered is both very gay and very charming. Plus we get to learn a bit more about how the camp operates (and fails to operate), and it’s a nice way to better establish the campsite as its own setting.

(Definitely think “Cool” should’ve been spelled with a K though. But whatever, I don’t write for the show.)

38. Scout's Dishonor (Season 1, episode 3)

The birth of Neeancy! The introduction of the Flower and Wood Scouts! Neil saying “cu/nt” -- one of the first and only truly shocking uses of profanity in the entire show! ZUKO!

I don’t know if my fondness for this one is rooted mostly in nostalgia or if it was actually really fun, but I enjoyed the he/ll out of it. Not as highly-rated as some other episodes mostly because it doesn’t really do anything, character or story-wise, but not every episode needs to be a massive game-changer that drowns us in feels. Sometimes it’s enough to have a fun romp, and this is very that.

37. Ered Gets Her Cool Back (Season 3, episode 2)

Awww, Ered. I have a soft spot for her, because I love the archetype of a spoiled bit/ch clearly still figuring out how to be a person and have friends. You really get the sense of her as a teenager trying to sort her shi/t out in this episode, which I would love to see more of. Her interactions with Nerris are top-tier, and I like that it’s a continuation of how her character’s been softening since Season 1 into this kind of big-sister figure.

Also, all the female campers in this show are lesbians. I do not make the rules.

36. Attack of the Nurfs (Season 4, episode 2)

I feel like this is a pretty underrated episode. But then again, I feel like Nurf is a pretty underrated character, so maybe that’s just my own personal bias.

I really enjoyed all the different iterations of Nurf, and I think Blaine did a killer job giving each one its own personality and life. It’s a fun episode that plays hard with cartoon physics (a 3D printer printing people! I love it!) and has a surprisingly moving ending.

At least, that’s what I think. Most other people seem to find this one pretty forgettable. Again: make your own da/mn list. I liked it.

35. Mascot (Season 1, episode 2)

This entire episode is memorable for so many things, but a few of my favorites:

David is established as kind of a di/ck.

Platypus arrives and kicks all the as/s.

Quartermaster is the best.

Nerris, Harrison, and Space Kid all get little moments to show off how cute they are.

Neil and Nikki bonding.

This:

34. Quest to Sleepy Peak Peak (Season 2, episode 3)

I love watching Nerris and Harrison bicker, and Neil and Nikki fit really well into their group. It reminds me of being a kid, and of playing Dungeons & Dragons (as an adult, because I’m so cool), and of summer . . . which is a really good thing for this show. There are a lot of funny one-liners, and it’s just a good dang time.

33. Quartermaster Appreciation Day (Season 2, episode 6)

I don’t think this one is all that well-loved, but I thought it was funny. There are literally zero important plot or character moments, but it made me laugh a lot, and that’s all I need a Camp Camp episode to do. 

I love QM, and the more we learn about him, the more confused and disturbed we end up being. What a fu/cking champion.

32. Arrival of the Torso Takers (Season 3 Halloween episode)

I lowkey hated this one when it came out, because I knew the Daniel stans were going to be exhausting. And they kind of were? But looking back, it’s a great way to reintroduce this motherfu/cker. He’s a lot scarier than he was the last time around -- but also less competent, which is a great way to kick him in the proverbial ba/lls -- and while I wish it had a lot more Gwen in it, it’s a clever and creative Halloween episode. 

31. Operation: Charlie Tango Foxtrot (Season 3, episode 10)

Charlie . . . Tango . . . Foxtrot . . . CTF . . . OH! Capture the Flag! I never got that before. Oh, that’s neat. I love this show.

Listen, every time the writers decide to take a risk and do something bizarre and creative, I’m going to be here for it at least a little bit. An entire episode told from the POV of the Woodscouts, explaining how hard they failed in all directions? A great gag where everyone in Petrol’s story talks in grunts? The return of Jermy Fartz?! Fantastic. 

30. Panicked Room (Season 4, episode 16)

Listen. I’m a sucker for my trash grandpa; anything Campbell-centric is probably going to be pretty good (except #54), because he’s just one of the most consistently funny and engaging characters. Good times are had whenever this terrible man is on the screen, and giving him a romantic backstory? A tragic romantic backstory full of mistakes and emotional damage?? One where he waited 17 YEARS for the love of his life???

We have no choice but to stan.

29. Party Pooper (Season 4, episode 15)

I’m so predictable. If you put Gwen in something, I will be happy. If you make an entire episode about how Gwen is under-appreciated and overworked and just trying to do her best despite the circumstances, I will dedicate my firstborn child to you.

Anyway, this episode is really sweet, and I liked the unexpected direction the writers took her relationship with her dad. He seems like a nice guy, they seem like they have a nice relationship, and . . . well, an episode about how hard it is to be an adult millennial hit pretty hard. Plus this was just a really pretty episode -- and not just because Gwen was in so much of it! Seriously, that night sky was a thing of beauty.

Also if you say a fuc/king word about Max and that godda/mn dog I will choke you out with your own intestines. Few things are more hilariously, annoyingly ironic than the fact that the entire fandom ignored and failed to appreciate Gwen . . . in the episode all about how everyone ignores and fails to appreciate Gwen.

28. Culture Day (Season 3 holiday episode)

Now, would it be arrogant to point out that I had the idea for a Culture/Heritage Day back in September 2018? Yes, especially since I don’t think the writers ever read fanfiction and it has literally nothing to do with this episode. Will that stop me? He/ll no it will not! I am a creature of ego! Read my stuff! 

Anyway, this is a really fun look at Neil’s background, personality, and relationships. Max looking out for him is just . . . oh my god, I cannot, I’ve written like 30 of these and my brain is starting to melt, but these two are so cute. I love arrogant Neil, and I love protective Max, and I love QM and Gwen fuc/king over the Flower Scouts to save the day. Everything about this episode is lovely.

27. Cameron Campbell the Camp Campbell Camper (Season 3, episode 7)

This should not be ranked so high (even if these are all essentially tied). This is a dumb episode based on a really, really dumb premise. 

But . . . I don’t know what to tell you. “Samboy Kidwell,” Max realizing he and Campbell are disturbingly similar and not liking what his future could look like, David’s “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” face . . . this episode happens to hit all of my favorite things. It had a really good balance of heavy-handed moralizing and goofs, it was part of the most graceful lead-up into a finale the show has ever had, and I’m just all about it. 

Excellent job, Samboy. Count Olaf would be proud of your disguise.

There ends the “some good sh/it” tier. We’re starting to get into the really excellent stuff now!

26. Parents' Day (Season 2, episode 12)

I know. You want this to be higher. I hear you.

Honestly I’m kind of shocked it’s this high; it’s my least favorite of the season finales so far, and I had to push past a lot of prejudice to actually rank this where I think it deserves to be, as opposed to somewhere in the like mid-40s. Mostly because it gave fuel to the raging inferno of “Max has terrible parents and David should adopt him” headcanons, which I’ve detailed my problems with extensively in the past (in a post that, statistically speaking, none of you have read).

But, trying to be objective: is this episode actually any good?

Well . . . yeah, it really is.

So much work was put into giving each of the campers families that make sense with their characters and bounce absurdly well off of them, ranging from wholesome and adorable (Nerris’s family) to quietly tragic (Harrison’s parents), and they’re all designed so well; they’re fun to look at and fun to watch interact with the kids and each other. (The only exception is Dolph’s dad, who is both kinda lame and misattributes the cause of the weird Na/zi thing because it did not come from Germany, I assure you. But things with Dolph are always a little off, and I don’t really know how you would give him a backstory that actually works with the character, so they were caught between a rock and a hard place there.)

The drama of David having to choose between the man he considers his father and the camp he considers his home is really touching, and him and Gwen choosing to take a sad camper out to get pizza instead of covering for their boss’s a/ss is such a beautiful moment for both of them that I can’t really blame the fandom for losing their mind over it. Campbell’s arrest leading into the arcs of the next two seasons was great as well, and the finale left us all with this weird sense of foreboding because we didn’t know what was going to happen next; it was the only finale that actually ended on something close to a cliffhanger, while still being satisfying enough to keep us all from melting down.

Plus, it’s funny. Carl and Candy are really funny and the idea of Neil and Nikki’s parents boning is funny in a horrible way. The joke about Quartersister is funny. It’s a good episode.

Should this be higher? Maybe, but I can’t bring myself to put it above the rest of these episodes. Again: make your own list.

25. Mind Freakers (Season 1, episode 10)

The episode that launched a thousand ships. Assuming those ships are all Harrison/Neil, anyway.

It’s hard to talk about these Season 1 episodes because they feel so classic. Like, what is there to say? You’ve all seen it a couple dozen times; I’ve seen it a couple dozen times. Harrison is a di/ck, Neil is possibly an even bigger di/ck, and magic may or may not be real. (Though spoilers for literally every season: yes, magic is definitely real.) It’s so much fun watching these two smug as/sholes snipe at each other in an almost literal playground hair-pulling way that could very easily be read as flirtation. 

And the fandom did most certainly read it that way, at least for a little while.

24. Gwen Gets a Job (Season 2, episode 8)

It’s Gwen. What, was I supposed to not put it this high?

This was the first Gwen-centric episode, and it absolutely slaps. She’s pushed to the breaking point and responds by being a cold-hearted BAMF, and it got her some pretty significant hate from fans but I don’t give a fu/ck, I loved it. We got to see her all dolled up, and then we got to see her all disheveled, and both of those looks were gorgeous. David gives her a tiny fragment of the love and validation she deserves (I don’t know if this is when gwenvid started taking off -- I think it wasn’t really until “Parents’ Day,” or even Season 3 -- but I ate that s/hit up).

Also, again: job hunting post-2008. It’s a bad time, y’all. Camp Camp gets it.

23. Follow the Leader (Season 4, episode 6)

Yeah, I was kind of surprised at how high this landed, too. I guess I’m just a sucker for unlikely companionships, and these three have a great chemistry. The combination of competitiveness, sass, and reluctant admiration make their interactions a lot of fun. Their motivation of doing petty errands for Campbell for the sake of getting at the Box of Illegal Contraband is a great framework too, with high enough stakes to justify all sorts of wacky shenanigans without causing actual anxiety.

I want to see these characters forced to spend more time together. Please, RT, make that happen.

22. Escape from Camp Campbell (Season 1, episode 1)

In terms of numbers, this feels so low, but considering everything from about #45 on is ranked as at least decent, this is actually a pretty high rating. There are 21 episodes I’d call better than this, but these decisions were all pretty painful.

This introduces us to everyone! The main trio, the counselors, Mr. Campbell; we get a snapshot of the major personalities running around the camp, the major points of conflict (Max vs. David, primarily), the major building blocks of future episodes, setting, and relationships . . . 

Again, I don’t know how much of my love for this episode is nostalgia -- there’s a lot of squeeing at familiar faces and gags; this is the first time David gets hit by a bus!!! -- but it was a fun and funny introduction to a series that’s ended up being so important to me, and I’m so grateful this wonderful, quirky little show with its wonderful and quirky little premiere. 

Of all the episodes, I really can’t look at this one objectively. It’s too important.

21. The Fun-Raiser (Season 3, episode 1)

David and Gwen scheming is my ki/nk. They very rarely scheme together, but every single time their teamwork makes the dream work (or, more frequently, makes the dream fail horribly and have disastrous consequences) my soul flies out of my body and takes to the stars, where I write another 500 first chapters to gwenvid fanfics I’ll probably never finish.

This is a great follow-up to “Parents’ Day,” where we immediately see the consequences of the previous season finale and what happens when the one adult in the camp disappears. Mr. Campbell was a terrible adult, true, but at least he was smart enough not to steal QM’s hook. Like . . . whose plan was this? It was so bad. These two are hilariously incompetent sometimes -- often when their bad ideas are feeding off of each other, actually, a la this and “Space Camp Was a Hoax” -- and watching them frantically try and keep all their balls in the air is so great. 

The ending is satisfying, too; a bit graphic, in keeping with a show that tends to keep the violence limited to periodic spurts of bloodshed 1-2 times a season and mostly pretty mild the rest of the time, but between Max stepping up and fixing everything while still being his shi/tty self to our dear dumba/ss counselors getting their dumb as/ses handed to them (deservedly so, if we’re being honest) . . . it’s such a great note to begin a new season on.

20. Journey to Spooky Island (Season 1, episode 5)

A classic.

We get to meet our spooky boy Jasper, we get to watch the comedy trio play off each other and continue to sketch out the general contours of their friendship, and we get to see the Quartermaster with a big purple dil/do for a hand. What’s not to love?

19. The Butterfinger Effect (Season 4, episode 17)

CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKES! GET YOUR CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKES HERE!

I’ve already gone into some pretty intense detail about why I think this one is actually really good and carries the theme of embracing change that everything about Season 4 was centered around, but none of y’all read that so here it is in short: this episode is super funny, almost all of the campers’ transformations work really well as extensions of their characters while still being strange and surprising, and the fact that Nurf creates all of these problems by trying to solve them is deliciously fun to watch in a karmic sort of way.

Or maybe it’s just because any Nurf-centric episode is going to rank pretty highly for me. That is also possible.

18. Space Camp Was a Hoax (Season 2, episode 10)

Our camp counselors being bad people: it’s my drug of choice.

We get Space Kid tripping balls in what might be one of the funniest sequences in the show, the entire camp coming together to try and pull off the stupidest, most impossible task (and kinda maybe almost nailing it???), and once again the fun of watching Gwen and David scramble to keep from getting caught in their boss’s shit/ty lies is so great. And Lindsay’s voice acting is absolutely killer, even more so than usual. 

17. Jermy Fartz (Season 2, episode 4)

I get the sense this might be a somewhat controversial one. 

I’ve written before about why I think this episode is a lot of fun, but it mostly boils down to two things: watching the campers try (and fail) to be nice to the most bully-able person on the entire planet, and the essential likeableness of Jermy. 

No, really.

I think a lot of people were put off by Jermy’s general grossness, because . . . my god is he disgusting, but he’s also polite and good-natured, and seems totally self aware of how difficult he is to be around, without letting it make him depressed. He’s cheerful in a weirdly downbeat way that’s impossible to understand until you see him in action. He’s so matter-of-fact about his own awfulness in a way that I found entirely endearing. I don’t think I’d want him at my camp, either, but get that kid to a good dermatologist and gastroenterologist, teach him some basic hygiene and social skills, and you’ll have quite a little gentleman there.

I do however find it hilarious that apparently David got the type of tree wrong when making fun of Jermy. Not only is that a great moment for reveling in David being an as/shole, but he didn’t even have the right wood. F/ucking idiot. I love him so much.

These last ones are my favorites! (Well, duh, that’s how this whole ranking thing works.) Maybe not perfect, but just really good and with limitless rewatch value.

16. St. Campbell's Day (Season 4 holiday episode)

They Grinch’d Camp Camp. Those brilliant bast/ards, they really pulled it off.

Ignoring the fact that David is truly frightening-looking for most of the episode, this is a great bookend to Season 4, following up on the theme established in the first episode about how David is a flawed and selfish human being despite trying his best not to be.

This is another one I was surprised to find so high on the list, but the more I thought about it the more I realizes how good it is. David being a jerk is always one of my favorite storylines, and the fact that the trouble comes from him trusting Mr. Campbell too little instead of too much is a nice twist on the usual formula. Gwen coming to help him out despite a blistering hangover gave me aggressive shipping feels, yes, obviously. 

Between a lot of really funny little gags like QM’s failed satanic ritual and the genuinely touching moral about the importance of spending time with the people you love, it’s just a really lovely episode that gets just the right amount of maudlin for the holiday season. 

15. Jasper Dies at the End (Season 2, episode 5)

I kept switching this and “Dial M for Jasper”; it was a really difficult decision to make, figuring out where these two belonged. I think in the end, while the John Dies at the End reference was very, very good, this one loses me a little bit by being told from David’s perspective. Now, normally the more David is in an episode the more I’ll be likely to love it (see my #1 for proof of that), but his blinders when it comes to the camp and Mr. Campbell result in a really funny story, but one without the same emotional heft as hearing about what happened from Jasper’s point of view.

That doesn’t mean it’s not perfect for what it needs to be: each Jasper episode builds on the previous ones, and having the same intensity of “Dial M for Jasper,” where we learn how he died and how his relationship with David fell apart, would be weird and heavy at this point. In Season 1 we just found out he’s a ghost (and eagle-eyed viewers realized he’d been a camper with David); in Season 2 we find out how David views their friendship and time at camp; and in Season 3 we get Jasper’s perspective. It’s an absolutely wonderful raising of the stakes (for lack of a better term), but the one that packs more of an emotional punch is going to rank a bit higher than the one that’s mostly just for laughs.

That being said: there are plenty of laughs in this one. Everyone -- Griffin, Miles, Travis, the animators -- nailed this one, and it gets funnier every time I watch it.

14. Camporee (Season 1, episode 11)

AKA the episode where Forest realized she was in love with Gwen. 

What a great idea for an episode, seriously. Every coming-of-age story has a talent show or a competition or a big game -- something where the kiddos can show off their improved skills and teamwork to beat their bullies or whatever. And this show has both kinds of bullies: the popular girly girls and the violent muscleheads. What a great moment to pull everyone together and show how friendship can help us accomplish anything!

Except . . . of course that’s not what happens. Of course they’re absolute garbage, and of course teamwork isn’t the answer. Gwen is the perfect foil for David here, being the anti-teamwork, anti-Camp-Campbell adult who can perfectly and effortlessly undermine David’s relentless optimism. David wants so badly for his campers to live in the same coming-of-age summer movie he did as a child, and their staunch refusal to do that leads to a really heartbreaking closer to the episode, as well as lead into the next one. Everything about this, from the challenges to the setup to Gwen shouting “we are winning this FUC/KING trophy!” is just gold.

13. David Gets Hard (Season 1, episode 9)

We have David. We have Nurf. We have Gwen. We have Max trying to be helpful in the shi/ttiest way possible.

We have all the makings of a da/mn good episode. And they deliver. Not a very emotionally intense or moving one, but so, so funny.

12. Dial M for Jasper (Season 3, episode 5)

This isn’t the fate any of us expected for Jasper, and it’s not the fate of a lot of people wanted. But godda/mn it, it worked. The constant bait-and-switch the episode keeps playing with, where you keep waiting for something really dramatic and tragic to happen . . . and then the reality is that Jasper died because Mr. Campbell was stupid and careless, and it was all just a horribly sad accident.

It’s anticlimactic, but in a way that suits the series, both as a comedic counterpoint to all the hype throughout the episode and as a way to establish that Cameron Campbell is a bad man first and foremost through selfishness and laziness, not Daniel-esque sinister evil. Jasper’s death was totally avoidable and totally Campbell’s fault, and while that’s sad, it also adds a weird sort of lightness to the episode. David didn’t do something terrible to kill his best friend, Jasper didn’t kill himself, and without having actively chosen to murder a child (well, not this time), the door remains open for fans accepting Campbell’s later pseudo-redemption. It was just an accident, and Jasper was “haunting” David to tell him that he was sorry for how their friendship ended. That’s really sweet, actually.

I think it’s the best way this reveal could’ve gone, and I’m so impressed with how they pulled it all off.

11. Into Town (Season 1, episode 8)

This might actually be the only flawless episode in the entire show. I mean, I call a lot of them flawless, and I mean that on an emotional level -- “I love this so much I cannot see anything wrong with it” -- but this one is a masterpiece of storytelling. All the technical jumbo I’m bad at, like planting and payoff and tension and all of that, is just perfect.

I feel like this is the kind of claim that needs to be backed up with a long-as/s essay full of citations and video clips and references to, like, Joseph Campbell or something, but this is my 49th entry in the list so I am not going to be doing that. Besides, I don’t think my English degree qualifies me to critique film/animation; I don’t even entirely know half the terms I’ve used to compliment this episode. Someone else please explain why this is such a good one.

10. The Quarter-Moon Convergence (Season 4, episode 5)

I’ve mentioned in other entries that the weird, surreal humor sometimes doesn’t work; it feels too much like being odd for its own sake, and sometimes gets so distracted in being surreal that it forgets to include anything funny or meaningful. 

This . . . is not one of those.

Putting Harrison and QM together is a stroke of genius; the two of them are literally the most magical beings in the entire show, and using them as the conveyance for this great Lovecraftian horror-comedy was such a good idea. I don’t know if we’ll ever see these two interact in another episode -- honestly, this felt a bit like lightning in a bottle, and I have a hard time imagining what could possibly bring them together again -- but if this is the only episode we get, it is such a fantastic one.

Harrison makes a really good everyman, despite his powers; he’s just the right amount of confident and insecure to pull off that wide-eyed apprentice to QM’s grizzled wise mentor. (The fact that QM is objectively a terrible mentor is beside the point.) I still don’t entirely know what the two of them accomplished, but it feels baffling and momentous, with the perfect amount of gravity to make things extremely tense all the way through to the end.

Also, I guess God is an octopus? That’s kinda cool. I like octopuses.

9. Camp Corp. (Season 3, episode 12)

Another unpopular opinion? Oh ho ho, I am so contrary! I am Not Like Other Fans! I am the Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, refusing to have the same opinions of all you prepz.

I know this wasn’t the most well-loved episode, but I think it did a really great job tying together story threads woven throughout Season 3: Max’s selfishness leading to him hurting other people, his growing realization that he cares about his friends and the camp itself, the parallels between him and Mr. Campbell (and the fact that they both get this redemption moment in the finale). 

This is the most Max-centric season, focusing on his flaws and character growth, and they pulled it off in a really organic way that felt faithful to his character, touching without being too maudlin. The fact that his feelings about the camp are echoed in Gwen, Neil and Nikki, the other campers, and even Mr. Campbell drives home how important the camp -- and David -- are to this strange little family. 

Each season, Max reluctantly becomes a better person, without changing the fundamental core of who he is. That’s a really hard putt for the writers and Michael, and I’m blown away every finale by how they so consistently nail it.

8. Time Crapsules (Season 4, episode 18)

Gwen-centric? Check.

Max learning how to be a better person while still being the bratty kid we know and love? Check.

Looks at one of the most under-appreciated character dynamics in the entire show (i.e., Max and Gwen)? Checkity check-check-check.

I don’t really have much to say about this one, which I should: it was considered a pretty serious letdown to a lot of fans, and I’m not sure how to explain why I loved it so much. 

Comparing Max from “The Order of the Sparrow” to Max from this episode is wild. It’s not like 2 different characters: they’re still very obviously the same cynical, self-absorbed 10-year-old trying to survive summer camp. But he’s become a more considerate friend and decent version of that kid, and it’s great to watch. The moment where he and Gwen go too far and immediately regret snapping at each other is still painful (on my god, the VAs in this show, they’re so talented), Nikki and Neil both get nice subplots about how they’re also growing up, and the ending is fuc/king hilarious, perfectly breaking the tension from Campbell’s speech, which is both beautifully done and important to hear, especially if you’re in a period of uncomfortable transition (like, say, in your late 20s, or living through about 5 different national and global catastrophes).

And okay, I found that speech on the wiki for this episode and it made me deeply emotional, so here:

Here's the thing: you've got to take your failures and make something out of them. Take Camp Campbell for instance: a lot of poor decisions went into making this place what it is today. Sure, somewhere along the line it maybe strayed from its path, not living up to the camp it wanted to be. At some point, the camp realized that the camp would never reach the end of its path until it was ready or until it gave up. So, if the camp wanted to keep embezzling money and dealing with foreign powers, so be it! But, at some point, it didn't anymore. I never saw this coming, but I'm starting to think this camp is the best it's ever been.

If this is the last episode of Camp Camp we ever get -- and for at least a little while, it looks like it’s going to be -- I can’t think of a sweeter, funnier, and more lovely bittersweet note for this show to go out on.

7. The Lake Lilac Summer Social (Season 3, episode 6)

And again: No one was surprised. 

This is the longest non-finale episode of the show, and it uses that time perfectly. Rather than having some big emotional moments and character arcs -- which are great, don’t get me wrong -- the writers use the extended time to build a series of shenanigans as complicated as Gwen’s matchmaking web, and watching her try to set up a series of dominos (with David, for once, being the responsible, level-headed one) is almost as satisfying as the catastrophic results. 

Neil and Snake steal this episode, even from someone as in love with Gwen as I am, and for an episode that’s largely about making fun of shippers, there hasn’t been one that launched nearly as many ships as this. Neil/Snake? Tabii/Erin? Max/Nikki? GWENVID?! It’s all here, and I am here for it.

It was also fun to get a traditional episode setup in a very non-traditional show. I assume this means the beach and/or hot springs episode is forthcoming. (No, Pis/s Lake doesn’t count. Obviously it doesn’t count.)

6. Keep the Change (Season 4, episode 1)

Again, this is an episode I’ve said a lot about in the past -- and I was pretty uncharitable toward Season 3, which in retrospect was very unse/xy of me -- but I stand by a lot of my opinions then: this is a fu/cking great episode.

David is an as/shole, Max is an as/shole, Campbell is an as/shole. No one escapes the as/sholery. David schemes, Max catches him in the scheme, Campbell gets drunk and kind of gay . . . I’m 54 entries into this list and I don’t have much to say anymore: it’s just really good and fun and I love it.

5. Camp Loser Says What? (Season 4, episode 9)

This is another one I kind of hated when it came out, and again for fandom-related and personal-grudge reasons.

Fu/cking Daniel. That motherfu/cker. He shows up for 12 minutes and Tumblr bursts into flames. Every single time.

However, it’s really hard not to love this one. Daniel-as-Trump is a clever but subtle -- I mean, for this show’s definition of subtle -- allegory, and it’s amazing how much this slimy freak and the Woodscouts slot into it. David is a bise/xual disaster with the absolute worst taste in men, Dirty Kevin and Daniel are onscreen together for all of 2.5 seconds and the kevdan shippers lost their minds, and Xemug looks like Megamind for some weird reason.

My only minor complaint is that the ending is a bit anticlimactic, but it plays on Daniel’s stupidity and the value of teamwork, so it’s a very small nitpick in an episode that mostly works like gangbusters.

4. Cult Camp (Season 2, episode 1)

Duh. There’s a really good song and we’re introduced to a charismatic, sinister, and totally dumba/ss villain. What’s not to like?

I don’t think I even need to say anything about this episode. Season 2 started off the summer by throwing a lit firecracker directly at the viewer’s face, and ignoring the fact that we as a fandom proceeded to eat each other, it’s impossible not to get caught up in the episode’s wild energy.

And dude, that song. Fabulous. Fu/ck Daniel, but thank god he’s around to be such a prickly little pri/ck.

Now for the top 3: Literally perfect, wouldn’t change a single solitary thing.

3. After Hours (Season 4, episode 8)

I’m not sure anyone loved this episode as much as me. But this is my list, and I will put this up at the top if I want to and you cannot stop me.

It’s much easier in a lot of ways to talk about the episodes I hated than the ones I love this much. What do I say besides “literally everything about this fills me with joy and my life is better because it exists”? I don’t know. The counselors are my favorite characters, and between Gwen and QM having the weirdest bonding experience, Gwen getting to meet up with people who care about her silly fanfiction, Mr. Campbell being the trash grandpa of my dreams, David getting in way over his head . . . it’s the episode I always wanted, and they made it work so well.

Also, I just discovered that “Gwen Isn’t Your Mother So Stop Asking Her to Rinse Your Dishes” is an actual song and I am overwhelmed with delight. Here, I’m embedding it as well as linking because it’s so good:

God. This show. What the fu/ck even is up with this amazing, weird-as/s show.

2. The Order of the Sparrow (Season 1, episode 12)

Duh.

The entire first season is a great time (except “Reigny Day”), but it’s a pretty low-stakes kind of great time. There isn’t much in terms of emotional depth until the very end of “Camporee,” despite some hints at darker themes in one-off jokes and quick asides, so this episode comes a bit out of left field, tonally speaking.

But that’s not a bug, it’s a feature; if the show had been this overtly emotional from the outset, this finale wouldn’t hit as hard, and the rest of the season wouldn’t be as funny. 

This manages to serve as a capstone to the conflict of the first season, building on episodes like “Into Town” and “Escape from Camp Campbell” in a way that feels totally natural for both David and Max’s characters while revealing new sides of them. It works because it’s so unexpected, but it doesn’t come across as incongruous with their personalities. It’s the first and only time David swears in all 4 seasons, and that line -- I don’t even need to say it, you know exactly what I’m talking about -- still gives me chills.

Also, Gwen sings the camp theme song. Impossible not to cherish.

1. The Forest (Season 4, episode 12)

I’m not sure if this one is a surprise or not. It might be the obvious first place, or it might be a bit of an oddball for some people.

I had a really hard time choosing between this and “The Order of the Sparrow”; I switched their places half a dozen times, and the difference in quality between the two is razor-thin. I think part of that is because it accomplishes a lot of what “Order of the Sparrow” does: puts David in a situation where he’s pushed to his absolute emotional and physical capacity, crushes every shred of hope he has left, and sees what he’s actually made of when you strip everything away. It’s much more dramatic this time around, but it’s the same basic concept.

And just like in the Season 1 finale, what we see is a man who’s determined to do good even when he isn’t rewarded for it, even when he’s actively punished for it. Who wants to love nature, and life, and make the world a better place -- despite his faults, his selfishness and thoughtlessness and anger, David proves that he is fundamentally kind. He’s not nearly as deludedly optimistic as he seems; he just refuses to stop trying.

Because somebody fuc/king has to.

I’ll admit, some of what puts this one in first place is that I’m a sucker for whump, and David really goes through the ringer. However, I also think it’s important to acknowledge the risk Joe Nicolosi took with writing this episode: it’s all centered around a single character, it’s darker and more viscerally bloody than any other episode in the show’s history, the art is focused on these grand sweeping backgrounds that must’ve taken forever to paint, and there’s very little talking in a show that runs 99% on clever dialogue. This could have so easily backfired -- and for some fans it did -- but it was brave and beautiful and breathtaking.

I’ve actually only watched this in full once. It’s really hard to get through; it’s just so intense and even disturbing. But if there’s one episode I'll remember for the rest of my life, even when I’m 80 years old and haven’t seen the show in years, it’ll be “The Forest.”

It’s funny how such a sharp departure from the format and style of the rest of the show somehow manages to perfectly capture the heart of it. Talk about a fuc/king achievement.

So what have we learned?

I don’t entirely know what the purpose of this whole exercise was. I think it was mostly to get myself a nice Camp Camp fix that came from something other than slogging through 20 different fanfic WIPs, and to remind myself of what a strange and fun ride the last 4 summers have been. 

I also wanted to take a moment to acknowledge what Camp Camp means to me. This show has been hugely important to me on a personal level: I met two of my best friends through this fandom, and I’ve never been more connected to a community or readers than I have with CC. I know I bi/tch about this fandom a lot, but it’s a big extended internet family, and I’m so happy to be a part of it. Going through all these episodes, getting the chance to ramble about the things I liked and the things I didn’t, was a great way to reconnect with a series and community that I love.

So . . . what have we learned?

1. Season 4 was all over the place.

Some of this has to be due to the sheer volume of episodes, but when I sat down and organized everything into tiers:

There isn’t a single category Season 4 doesn’t have at least one episode in. I was surprised to see how high a lot of them ended up; it really was the best and worst of the show so far.

For the fun of it, I decided to give a number to each placement -- 60 points for the #1 episode, 59 for #2, etc. -- and see how each season broke down. Because that’s that kind of thing I think is worthwhile, apparently. And . . .

2. Seasons 1 and 4 are really good, actually.

Well, I don’t think anyone’s surprised to see how well Season 1 stacked up; it was amazing. But I was surprised to see how much I ended up enjoying Seasons 3 and 4, when if you’d asked me before this little project, I would’ve said they were the most underwhelming. Maybe I messed up the numbers a bit -- I’m no mathmagician -- but not only are they all really close, but Season 4 was one of my favorites.

3. This entire show is really good, actually.

One thing that really struck me when I put it all together visually is how most of the episodes sit in the “good,” “really good,” or “amazing” categories. The amount of episodes that are memorable, fun, and/or emotionally resonant is crazy. I don’t now how many other tiny cult-hit web series can say the same, honestly, and all of the writers, animators, directors/producers/other people whose jobs I don’t really understand, and voice actors should be commended for their outstanding talent and hard work.

4. Thank you, Camp Camp.

It was a real pleasure to relive all of these episodes again and think about what they meant to me. It won’t be the last time I sit down and watch this show -- and it certainly won’t be the end of my being a shrieking fangirl over it -- but with this break, where we have to get through a blazing, extremely difficult summer without a new season to fawn over, it’s nice to stop and appreciate what a precious gem of a show this is.

I hope everyone involved with Rooster Teeth is taking a much-deserved rest and prioritizing their health and well-being. Thank you for creating something truly special, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

[darkkitsuneprincess]

Preparing for War (Nobunaga x MC)

This happened. Don’t know why. Don’t know where it came from. I’m sorry to do this to y’all, but I can’t live with this by myself. If you need me, I’ll be crying in the corner.

___________________

Title:   Preparing for War Pairing: Nobunaga x MC Rating: G/PG Word Count: 1,300

Description: MC helps Nobunaga prepare for battle.

WARNINGS: Angst. Lots and lots and loooooooots of angst. (Sorry again, y’all…)

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

Thunder rumbled in the distance, a herald of battle in the still, unsteady peace. Four candles burned in the tenshu, the dim light a visible representation of the weight on my heart in the pre-dawn hours. This…this was the day I’d dreaded since first arriving in Azuchi, and the hollow thump echoing through my chest with every beat of my heart reminded me of exactly why Sasuke warned me not to get involved with these men.

And silly me, I went and fell for the most hunted man of all. My life choices were never particularly sound, even before the wormhole.

In the center of the small circle of light stood Oda Nobunaga, the keeper of my heart and soul, waiting for this grim ritual to begin. The dark cloth of his hakama and hitatare seemed to absorb the light, as if to draw the flame itself from the wick of the candle and snuff it out. He looked straight ahead, his gaze fixed on a point along the far wall.

Today he would leave for battle; a fight which he was not guaranteed to win. Today, I would remain behind, keeping our home in working order in his absence.

I knelt at his feet, my breath hitching, and lifted the suneate from his most impressive armor display. I placed the gleaming, black legplate against his left shin and, carefully so as not to shift it, wrapped the cords and secured it in place. I repeated the movements on his right leg, then rose and lifted the haidate. My cheek pressed to his chest and I listened to the slow, steady beat of his heart while I wound my arms around his body, securing the heavy leather-and-iron skirt around his waist with the knots he’d taught me.

Reaching for the kote gave me the opportunity to turn away and wipe the standing tears from my eyes. Still he did not move; did not speak. Had I not just heard the heart beating in his chest, I’d have thought him little more than stone.

One by one I slipped the armor up his arms, pulling the ties tight across his broad chest and securing them on either side, then working the laces down his forearms into the proper position before sliding the tekko into place and positioning and securing them with the ties of the kote.

Next came the do, the heavy leather-and iron curiass fitted to his chest and back. I wove prayers for protection into the ties and knots holding the plates to my beloved’s body, silently begging for its unfaltering protection. As I tied his obi, securing the wakizashi to his side, I looked up at his face, blank and unreadable. Those beautiful eyes had once more gone cold and dark. Every part of him I knew was gone, hidden beneath the armor on his body and around his heart.

I lifted the silk rope in my hand and tied the katana around his waist, then tucked the gleaming black-and-silver tessen into the obi on his opposite side.

Upward I continued, the sode, the neck guard, pausing to stretch up on my toes and offer a kiss to his lips before securing his face guard and, finally, his helmet. Piece by piece I sheltered the man I loved behind the unfailing and unflappable façade of the samurai warrior. Gone was my gentle lover, replaced by the fearsome Devil King.

My task complete, I stepped back and examined my work. It was exactly as it should be. I could see no fault in his armor, no weakness to be exploited by his enemies. For the first time since rising from our shared bed, Nobunaga turned his gaze toward me, the hardness in his eyes softening for the briefest of moments before he flew into a defensive stance, his katana flying from its sheath with the snick and ting of metal on wood. The way he moved, even encumbered by the bulky plates of armor, was both beautiful and terrifying.

Without a word he replaced the katana, righted himself, and turned for the door.

I followed behind him silently, head down and eyes trained on the backs of his knees. So long as I kept my face toward the floor, nobody would see the tears falling behind the curtain of my hair. It is necessary, I told myself again and again, yet my heart refused to get on board. The sickening dread of losing him slithered along my spine, taking up residence at the base of my skull and reminding me that this may be the last I see of the other half of my soul.

At the bottom of the stairs, Nobunaga reached back and took my hand, lacing his fingers through mine.

I am yours and you are mine, the gesture said; words spoken between us so many times. My heart gave a sharp thump and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep my chin from quivering under the weight of my emotions. I would not cry where he could see; I would not give him reason to doubt or regret. He was going to war to secure the kind of future from which I’d come; I would not be the thing that stood in his way.

At the gates we were met with a fearsome sight: Nobunaga’s motley collection of warlords, fully armed and prepared for war. Masamune sat atop a black warhorse, the golden crescent of his helmet shining in the torchlight. Side-by-side stood Hideyoshi with his fan of blades atop his head and the horned helmet of Mitsunari with Mitsuhide in his black-and-gold, bellflower-adorned armor behind them. Ranmaru, dressed in the customary black of the ninja, stood beside Nobunaga’s charger, the reins in his hand.

Only Ieyasu remained without armor; the man who would protect Azuchi in Nobunaga’s stead. He looked at me, gaze soft and sad on my behalf, then turned toward the others with a huff.

“What are you waiting around for? This battle won’t fight itself.”

“The lad is right,” Masamune replied, his voice muffled by his face guard. “I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m ready for a good fight.”

Ieyasu sighed. “Sometimes I think you have rocks in your head, Masamune.”

“Or at the very least, a traumatic brain injury,” Mitsuhide added with a snort and mounted his own snow-white horse.

“Laugh all you like,” Masamune said, “but I’ll be the one to win this war before the rest of you even  get to have fun.”

Hideyoshi groaned. Ieyasu sighed. “Did you really have to give that idiot the vanguard again?”

“I make the best possible use of my tools, Ieyasu,” Nobunaga answered. The humor in his voice didn’t reach his eyes. With that, the others busied themselves with last-minute preparations, making a big show of not looking at us.

Nobunaga turned, cupping my cheek with one armor-clad hand. “I am yours and you are mine,” he said, his voice nearly swallowed by his helmet. I closed my hand over his, then stretched up on my toes and pressed my lips to the cold, immovable mouth of his mask.

“I love you,” I whispered, then stepped back out of his reach.

“And I love you,” he replied before turning and mounting his own charger. Ieyasu stepped up beside me and placed a hand on my shoulder.

“They will be okay,” he said as the five warriors rode toward the field where their army waited.

“Come back to me,” I said aloud though he couldn’t hear me, and pressed my hands to my quivering belly. Beside me, Ieyasu’s eyes went wide with the realization. A single tear rolled down my cheek.

Please, Nobunaga…come back to us.

[simpsonsnight]

Episode #700

Manger Things Season 32 - Episode 16 | March 21, 2021

Well, well, well. If it isn’t Episode 700. A couple years ago I thought to myself “I bet if I started doing bad reviews of Simpsons episodes in a weird fucked up order that I could cover episode 700 in realish time, and won’t that be cool? That could be the coolest fucking thing in the world, if you think about it.

Well, I did it. Do I feel special? NO! Does this episode feel special? NO! In a weird way this entire blog lead up to this, and it wasn’t terribly great. Not that I was expecting much from a season 32 episode. But good lord, they sure played it safe with this. This is one of them flashback episodes where you get pissed off that 6 years ago *actually* does mean 6 years ago in real time, so you see a young Homer family being in ubers, owning flatscreen TVs, using YouTube to deliver a baby, etc (SPOILER ALERT, Homer gives birth) Homer gets kicked out of the house for drinking at his office Christmas party. Everyone’s hair is kinda different, which is how you can tell. Homer stays at Ned’s where they are expecting the birth of Todd. Maude demands Homer get kicked out. From there, Homer goes into the little room above the garage, which the show has never shown before. Moe is the only one that knows about it because he’s been renting it out to Irish immigrants. Funny? How many jokes has the Simpsons told about renting out unconventional living spaces anyway? Like... 4?? 5??? I mean, Jeez! This all leads to Homer heroically delivering Maude Flanders’ baby, which Marge inexplicably witnesses and takes Homer back. And that’s the episode! It takes place at Christmas even though it’s currently March, and now we get two pieces of Simpsons trivia about who delivered Todd and what’s up in that space above the Garage? The answer to the second one is “Nothing, really.”, so isn’t that cool? So the episode kinda sucked. The Simpsons kinda sucks. This write-up kinda sucks. This blog kinda sucks. I kinda suck. What else is fucking new? Well, I guess that formally ends the stated goal of this blog. Scheduled updates covering episodes of the Simpsons on a daily basis will cease. Will I use the blog to review new episodes as they come out? Yeah, maybe. Will I review other episodes of other non-simpsons shows? I guess I COULD. Will I let this fade away in favor of a new blog about a different topic? Like, I don’t know, maybe Family Guy or the Spike TV animated block or Dragonball Z or... MAIL BAG

well look at that another tree house of horror and you didn't do my good idea. in fact, you wrote too much about the b-sodes. who needs that? oh well. I'll find a way to make you wince.

SHUT UP! You’re getting in the way of my cool announcement!

This blog is pretty snazzy but waht if you did a blog where you talked about other kinds of TV. Say...Adult Swim?

Oh, you mean... THIS BLOG??

Two Ideas for what you can do when you run out of Simpsons episodes on the blog:  [NUMBER ONE] Pimp My B-sode! B-sodes are back baby and we are breaking all the rules! Basically you go back to episodes you didnt do a b-sode or had a particularly bad b-sode and do them. BUT, you remove the rule that they have to be contemporary with the episode and heck break the rule it has to be a cartoon. Make it any tv show: live action, anime, PORNO! Just make sure to censor out the goodies ;)

[NUMBER TWO] And this one more of a hiatus filler idea but it's called MY SPORTS SCHOOL, I take it from your write-ups that you don't paticularly care for "the game" and are kind of a flabby nerd. That's fine. #MeToo BUT, basically you just go through a list of sports and then take your family out the the park and try to play one of them for 3-4 minutes then review the experience. If you need equipment just check thrift stores or local ads, and I got a pair of balls you can use right here. OHH!

I don’t believe in the $MeToo movement and I don’t believe in MOVEMENT! Get the hell out of here and get out of town!

fuck! no! is this really the end of the blog! NO! fuck you! surely you missed an episode or two? what about the movie? what about virtual springfield. you can't just leave you a-hole! fuck you!

Oh yeah. I guess I never did formally review the movie. Okay, I guess I’ll review the movie. STAY TUNED FOR A REVIEW OF THE MOVIE. But until then. PEACE OUT :bartsmokingablunt:

[throwingideasatthewall]

Star Wars   Episode 4;

    Destroy malevolence

Didn’t we just do that?

I’m assuming this is going to be focusing on the     aftermath of the        destruction       of  the        malevolence

And the preceding unraveling of       general grievous’s      net work

 [And several        acquaintances         probably          trying           to    break    him  out,]

Anyway...

On with          It!

       Quote;

  “A Plan is only as good         as those          who see it out,”

   Odd                 I’ve      Stopped      giving much stock        into the    quotes

 Consider ing     the last one     had a relatively good      one

 And     Is on the    lower     end    of     my     expectations

 My criticism       of this       Is a       Short    Plans can be good         But   People flawed

  The   narrator   sounds     a    bit    more   enthusiastic

 Weirdly      drawn     out      pause

But      it   does     get     the      point   across

 Allows   enough     time

“ Grievous          in       retreat,”              Honestly           Is        this       where       we’re      going        to       start

    Like       no      disrespect-         (I have the       patience)    But are we honestly going to spend the whole entire time watching Obi-Wan fuck up catching Grievous?

 That would work       with the theme         of       Jedi Masters

They make it seem a lot less   stupid

[Recap

 Also        I really like the movement on the     ship

Much     more     real istic 

       Continuing to          Hold on it       not so much

  This is like         someone     continuously          kicking        someone         when they’re         already         down

Or like a fire

 After a while      it just gets sort of    boring

 Or worrying

 And you realize they could  just     take them   into custody

 Or that the fire is starting to     envelope   nearby    forest     With       everyone      having         a bucket of     water

Obi wan, why

 Do     you   torment    so?

He can’t even   die

If so;      He’d     be dead

 I love how       Plo Koon       and       him       are          just    watching      the      shit     show      like            “Bitch”

   You know they could both take         him

  But are just that dedicated to being   sandry old man

“Commander, how much damage to the      enemy ship?”

 Have they suffered    enough?

  Also, geez dude’s been demoted it to       commander

    I mean I know he’s just       Comms Guy              But geez.         (He probably       deserved it)

Oh no,        Random     dude          On          The       ground

    Why?

 “ She’s lost primary       shields and stabilizers,”

   So shooting at it is doing      minimal damage

             “ It can take all the fire               our cannons                  can manage,”

           Okay,                    time to get you two                down there

           “ we must     summon            reinforcements,”

     Plo is slowly becoming that we          “need reinforcements”            guy

      Like          he can’t do anything           by himself

       (Except           for last           episode)

     “ That’s why          I’m here        Master Plo,”

  That’s not the right       tone

   And.....          I was kind of hoping we’d get a        Master Plo and        Obi-Wan episode

   This time       around

   Never mind the fact that         Anakin can’t take on grievous

   “ what are you able to contact              Master               (Liam Niara)                   (That’s how voice text spells it)                (I have no idea)

        “ Yes, master,”

       That’s better

    “She’s busy with a bunch of separatist         reinforcement’s nearby,”

   Bit too much     eye movement       but otherwise      good

  “ she won’t       be able to give us support till she’s turn        ing them away,”

Meanwhile         you’ve already pretty much      kill ed         him

    Guess            just         play        poker?

   Then        we’ll  have to do with what we have

   Oh now with the teenager around you’re so brave

  How’s        that going to help?

Burning

On fire

Really, no   mercy

Poor     droid     jerking   around

Ex     ploding

Perfect balance of kar       mic   pay       back

“We’ve      lost      our    primary       weapon,”

  Shit     just     continues    to                get       worse      and      worse

General     grievous      is        just              there        with his hands       in his head

Not        looking       too    great

“ The hyper drive is dis   -abled,”

It’s been disabled since last episode but good     repeating

Good      to         re-iterate

“Argh,”

“ General       general,”

   The     forward   engines        are     shutting     down

“ im   poss     ible,”

Dude,     look         around

That’s   pretty        -         heavy         denial

You     should     just     sur       -render

More Sho              -oting

 This        is       going         to         be        a         sl   -ow       ep      i      sode

Ahsoka       Managing       systems

   A not    bad role       for her

 Certain-

“ Admiral            Status-        Re        port,”

    Shit’s         fucked        once        again

    They’re           hyperdrive         must        be       damaged

    What          you         didn’t         figure          out           the           first          time          will        Obi          won         must’ve         checked

   Compulsively             For the         170th time           in the last           hour

     “This            our          chance”

It wasn’t a few seconds ago?

     “all         ships        target       the      bridge     maximum         fire        power,”

   Dude,        what       do       you      think      that’ll        do

 Grievous         is      made          out        of      pure        titanium

   It’s       like..          a      slightly         long       fall           for      him..

 Generals..     really     don’t    wanna     deal     with   Grievous’s      shit     today

Episode is     22:40      Long       Left

 All     they’re     doing       is     shooting    at     him

Grievous     Called      Dooku

“Dad      I       crashed       the     car,”

Sustained     advanced   damage

 “ I know,”

Just     dead   panned

“ I have     arranged         a       trap,”

Oohh!     Interesting

  But     Also        completely        bullshit

   Guess       this            is           his       punishment

  Being       used        as        bait

  “To     give     you      an     advantage    over       the   Jedi,”

 “ I   assure   you,”

 Please       no

You’re not compound     your failure     this day,”

 Ah, there’s       the chewing out     I was looking for

 Perfect

Continue

 “ war       ship        to       fall,”

 Oh so it wasn’t going to be a - get them sent to prison- thing

 So     how are you planning to       unfuck                 the situation

Cause      this looks pretty bad

  They will never catch me or this ship

             Bless him               he’s trying

              The expression just says                 ‘I have no idea               how’

           Like              He            knows           what’s          expected            of          him          but         has         no          idea

    How?!

   Heading       towards          you         is          a        very      important      galactic        senat        or,”

   In the middle of a       war zone

Seriously       not        a     good       time      for         a   photo     op

 “ With      her         as        a      hostage,”

  “call       off       the      attack,”

  Ok no one is calling off an      attack this important      for        a   senator

  Nor     should      be    letting      her        get    captured         ....

 *Bowing    down*

*Assumed authority*

 Blue

 It   looks   remarkably    better     this     episode             👍     Also        of        course        it’s      Padme        Amidala     Couldn’t        be        any      of      the    4000     other    senators       we     know     nothing      about              

   Really           getting       into         the      love     triangle      stuff      right        away,           aren’t         we?

  Like       why   couldn’t      we     slow     burn        it

 (I   know    she    was       in    the   movie)     But

  I     wouldn’t         mind    “Are   you       sure   the     infor   mation      from     the     chan cellor     Palpatine       is   reliable?”

Fore     shadowing!

Good    job     authors       you       get      a   cookie

“ it was secretly given to him         by the leader of the     Bank-he Clan,        himself!”

 Okay        Amidala’s          tone      kinda      works

 Could      use       a       little       more   monotone     but      it   works

   I gave Anakin like      three   tries       so       I’m     not   gonna       be    too     harsh

There        is       still       time      for      the     minimal     improve      ment        it      needs

“ if they       leave     the   separatist     alliance     it     will    go     along      way       to   shortening   this   war,”

Er-     Okay      it   makes   sense   for     her   character

 She’s sup   posed      to be   around      the same       age      as   Anakin

“Beep,       Beep,”

 “ We’re     approaching       the     system       now,”

  “Oh     shit,”

Crud

 “ my   goodness,”

  Best      Droid

 “This        isn’t        right,”

   Then        Move!

   That’s          a       droid     warship

    “We’re          in         the       middle          of          a       battle!”

   Hey,        that’s          a        smart      character

   Hyper drive out of there

  “ we’re scanning         a small ship off         our bow,”

     Get out of        there   “ Good,”

 Yeah, how are you going to get     her?

 Seeing as how  like a million warships are belting     your bow?

  I know those must be like       raindrops to him

But     come on

Don’t      go    into    the    burn     -ing      wreckage

   And       towards      enemy        fire

 Then   again     she     was     probably    heading     towards      the     Jedi        ship

   So     (as       a   civilian)       that       makes          sense

   “Master          I’m        picking           up            a         signal          near           the         enemy        vessel,”

   Tone

    Enemy     reinforcements

   That’s-            A         Good          Call

Respectively

 “ it looks like-”

 “A Naboo ship”

  “Gunners        stand         day,”

     Hey      everyone’s     competent         today!

      (Not          that         there’s           anything         wrong          with          enablers           being           stupid)

       This          just           requires          more          brain       power

   “ what          in      Blazers        are       they      doing      out     here?”

   A valid     response

  But      weren’t       they         the       ones        that        pledged        transport        ships?

  Like      oh      yeah      stupid going out into a war zone

   But     not      completely      out of the question

 “ Ahsoka      contact         that ship,”

  Bit      too      much      energy

    But       still         resp        ect           able

     Literally          coming        from        fiery        hell

     Identify        yourself

  “Padme       what        are       you       doing      out     here,”

  Cringe

   That line sounds like boomer.        What boomers think high school      jocks sound like

   And we’re like  no

  “ I       was       sent      on         a    special    mission,”

  Good      job     Writers

  The        ‘Bang he         Klan        Wanted        to negotiate        a treaty

   Good      reason

   “Get       out        of      there,”

  Too        Force        ful

   Better        Idea;        Have     Obi-Wan         try         to         calmly      explain         the         situation            to           her

      Possibly       distracting          her for        general       grievous           to       kidnap

   “ Activate              the         tractor         beam,”

     Damn        we’re       going        back         to  old old sci        Fi- with tractor beams and       shit

     I was expecting like a hook and chain,     a harpoon

   Was not expecting   that

     That        made        me         laugh

   WTF

   Tell      them        some     nonsense        is        going         on!

   “i’m     afraid       it’s        much     worse      than      that,”    Gunners          Do        Something?!

   it’s a beam; it can be broken

  “ Padme what’s happening?”

  A go- decent response

   “ i’m         being         pulled         inside        the      droid      cruiser        by        a      tractor      beam,”

   Good     Commun        ication

  Whelp,        Done

   So       at      22: 40           Rest       of        the     episode         is   hostage     situ      ation?

Inter      es    ting

 Much      Better      Than         Just      Shooting        at        it       for        an      hour

    “I will not be made a separatist bargaining      chip,”

    Initiative

    Though           Less          Emo        -tion

    Should           be       recited        like       something       she       had        to      read        off        a   paper

Guessing I’m not Padme I’m Padme’s    handmaiden  thing only works     once

Continue       your    attack

 You     must   continue-

I hope     she get some   actual action

Nothing too intense       because she’s still a kid

But like a surprise attack on     General grievous

Destroy     this   monstrous   ship

That’s kind     of      like-

How-

I saw the next frame

Wtf-

WTF

  HIS FACE JUST-

CON-torts

    You are not Romeo and Juliet   movie

    You are two kids reinacting Romeo and Juliet              clumsy

   Get it right

  “Admiral,     order      our   ships     to   stop     firing,”

 No   one’s   gonna    stop     this

 No   one‘s   gonna   comment...

Okay....

Obi-Wan      And        Plo   Koon          are        just     gone

  Left      when      Anakin      started       acting    unchild like

   Never     mind      still       there

 Nothing   suspicious      *Rubs    beard*

 Whelp

   It     does      not     look       safe       out     there      my     lady

  Screw      with      the     tractor      beam      and       leave

  No      one    can     stop   you

Droid     Related

 “I      see     now   this   whole   thing   was     a   trap,”

The     Bang’he       Clan     Works      With           The-

    I       can’t     even     make     that         joke   because       the   bang’he      clan      are   working      with       the     separatists

  Good    writers       you       out     joked      me

“ we   walked    right    into     it,”

 Pressing     buttons       isn’t   going       to   help   lady

Sir  the     republic   cruisers     have     halted    their   attack

Bit   too   much   emotion      for     a     droid     but    it   works

“Jedi     are     so   predictable,”

  Hit       him       with          a      gun

   Get        the      repair       team      up     here

  “ i’m     going     down      to       the   main   hanger,”

The arm motion was a little weird...     for ‘I’m going down to the main     hanger’

 Street    Railways?

Are we   getting *tour    the inside of the    ship??

Nice

This     ship   must     be   returned      to   Count     Dooku     intact

Nice   little   interaction

Rail      ways

There’s     no   room     for   failure

Hard       Moral

One      on   fast   speed    ing   train

Moves       over       to   another   pad

   Don’t     think     that’s   gonna   help

“Come        on     I’ve   over       loaded     the   power     system,”

 THAT’S        actually      really      clever

   Good          job     whoever        gave         that        order

    General      grievous        goes          boom

    Fighter        door       opens

    Find            a       Fighter

    And        fly        out

   * Anakin        walks          away*

       You know this would be a good idea if Obi-Wan had ordered him to do so when feeling the emotion of ‘love’, miscommunicating the concept of love, and didn’t realize that’s what he was doing -  what clues him      in

“ where do you think you’re going,”

 “ someone’s got to save     her,”

    Still too much emotion

   “I thought you might say     that,”

     Did you give him that, did you give him an        order relevant to that?

     There he goes   again

     Yeah           Someone        should         really        check         up        on       that

     Or       get    Obi-Wan         to        lay off           the       suicidal      orders

  “Craving     adventures        and     excitement,”

     No,      orders

   “ You        get         used           to         it”

Could      be     just       a     response

  But     too     much    reaction        And      Person         ality

   Oh,          Shit’s        On          Fire

   “Come on 3PO hurry,”

     Flaming wreck lady

    “not sure this is such a good       idea,”

   Neither     is       being       held      captive

   You’re made of like solid gold

 Timing

  [also the announce in the background        like a train station - just cracks me up]

  Time to get blown up

   “ Mind the gap”

   “Mind the gap”

      Haha

     You        two       come       with       me

 Command

That droid’s-

 No, wait-         It’s Amidala

   And C3PO

  He’s trying to      help

   Looks       Inside

  Beeping

   Timer

   Look     like        the   engine-         Are           Set           To -

    Timing

   “Destroy          themselves,”

     He        really        needed        them         to        say           that

   Get      out       of      my     way

 “Ow,”          You        don’t      want          to       die

   That’s         just           rude

    So         is     death

   You    should       get       out        of        there

    He’s        going               to       come         back        around

   Geez

   Fire squad         is a train         wreck

    They’re          Trying

      Crud      if this gets back to      Skywalker          and        he      thinks       she’s      dead

  After        That     Speech

  Who knows what toxic morals of love         Obi-Wan taught him         could activate

  This could       become     a train      wreck

 Ahhh!

 It got      worse

Seriously       who made the droids that have to        with      stand       high    water pressure          Light weights

   Oof

  Even high water pressure        cannot kill him

  Even running away      cannot save him

 Wonder     what that attack       would’ve done

 Sound the alarm

 “We have stowaways,”

   Or...

   She was never on that   ship

   Seriously      no one besides the republic      saw her 

I’d go with “she isn’t on board,”

   Run

Back     to the        republic ships

   Who are doing       nothing         while grievous rebuilds

    Like,         The medical station is   right there

    You might want to get back       on moving     them

Just Saying

  “ i’ve trusted you already formulated a brilliant   plan to     rescue     the      Senator,”

 “ as a matter of fact     I have,”

 Umm,

Weird        How to     Code     that

“ what do you have a Plan B               Every     good plan has a back up,”

  Stop        forcing his    dependence on you

 “ I don’t   have a back up   yet,”

  Too     much    emotion

 Really

 Questioning

Not really   helping his   self-esteem

Really “ we’ll sneak behind them and dock at the emergency air     lock,”

   So I’m guessing this is going to set up     Padme     going       there

“ That’s       your        plan?”         Discouraging

“Fly     land,”

That’s literally what all maneuvers     rely on

Also     it       sounds       like   something     out      of       a     fairy     book

  Which        might        explain      Anakin      toxic      behavior

  “ Walk        in         the        door,”

 “Basically,”

    Too      much       emotion

  “Oh     Brilliant,”

  Dick

 Firey       Wreck

 “ Might I suggest we keep     moving?”

   Bit       Loud         There            It

   “ I think        I hear      battle droids   approaching,”

  Talking         is      not     helping

 “But      we also need to contact         the fleet,”

     Getting out is the prerogative

      They don’t know where you are

       And you can’t stay in a constant       location

       If I can just keep this        com panel working

     Ahhh!

Well     just      disappeared

 “The Damage to the hyper drive       was not as bad as        we first        thought,”

   How?!

  It’s been     damaged     for about    two episodes

 Also, Good for    Her

“ We’ll be able to get underway again shortly,”

  With this   mess of a ship

   Hyperdrive would send half of it flying

   It’s barely holding together by a      string

   You’re     screwed

 I must inform count     Dooku

 Seems     oddly    suspic.

Continue the search

 Find the     stowaway 

  How does    that change anything      in Amidala’s eyes

 Getting     to know the boss     isn’t worth it

Just be more careful

  Roger, roger

  Commander

 Intimidating

  *Spark*

  Oh        She       Was          In          A        Cabinet

   Thought         she       made           it        in

  C3PO        Looks      creepy       in      one     frame

   Shit’s        Constantly          on         fire

    “If they spot us        we’ll be pulverized,”

     With what guns??

     You’ve been doing all the hitting           this entire time

     They’ve been sitting         Geese

     “They’re            too           busy repairing the ship,”

       Thank you

       [also Obi-Wan              complainers rules]

       “ They             don’t                   have              time                to             notice              us,”

         Cocky

        Subtlety               has            never            been             one              of             your            strong             points             Anakin

Neither        Yours            Person           who           orders            him!

“ Everything       I     know       I      learned     from        you     master,”

  Point       Yes      Attitude?     No

   Oh       if      only      that      was      true

  Should            Be

   Might         be          a              side           jab              at           how           he          took          orders           from            the        Chancellor

     There          we          go

     Only      Obi-Wan        was          worried

  “Didn’t         You         Hear       It,”

    Your        circuits          are       loose

    Or       maybe       you’ve       lost       your   hearing

From        the   impact

 “ No      one’s        crazy      enough           to        do         that,”

    Cut

  “Anakin”

   Perfect

 “You’re        Crazy,”

   You   groomed      him   ��  this      way

“ spinning           is          not       flying”

    “But          it’s          a      good      trick,”

   Too     much   emotion

   Do      not     want       to       be        spotted

   Good       job

   You’re      standing        more        in              the       doorway         than         he          is

    “I knew it it’s them,”

     That droid       is just having a day

      Aww              But his        friend came down           to check           with him

    That’s adorable

    Oh no

   They’re backing off       peacefully

 ASSHOLES!

Obi-wan     specifically

   You stay here           R2

  Again     why did you bring him

  Another        bold strategy by -

     Say Skywalker

     ‘Skywalker’

      Ordered

     “I presume,”

    No, Obi-Wan’s 

 When it’s not Palpatine’s

    “That’s my master”

           Children               don’t                show          preference                  for            handlers

      “ once they rescue the Senator we will need to reinforcement to finish off the enemy

    Sounds nonsense           but OK

          Dude             really              Likes         enforcement’s                 “ i’m on my way,”

       “Master Plo”

  “ We’re receiving a transmission,”

    Padme

Weird distance to start a conversation at

Running for some reason

 “ Master          we found the     senator,”

   Good

“ We’re patching       Her through,”

 Helpful...?

  What       is       it       with    Skywalker      and   becoming         a     Barking        over-   animated     Puppet      Every      time     senator       Amidala      gets     involved            ?

“Anakin       where       are       you,”

   Better;        where        are      your    coordinates

    “ On       lower      levels,”

   Better       but      where

   “I don’t          know,”

    Give a better location

     For how long

     Problem with this whole plan

      Give Landmarks

      Get to the     rendezvous point

     “Obi won and I are on board too,”

     Better; get to the ship on level ____ on your ___ side                 Optional; Closest landmark ____

             We’ll meet you   there

           What what are you doing?

           Not the best point to      argue

       Ahsoka, how can we get to the senator

     Better how can we both get to the escape pad?

    In case   we both get separated

    Taking longer to coordinate       that complicated-

    How long till they get separated?

    Center of the ship

Half way between the two of you

 Neither      Ahsoka gave neither

   Bad instructions

“ we’re on our way

    To a very unspecified point on not   specified level at a not specified   time

Let     the hijinks   commence

 “ Did                    you hear that                                    Padme?”

You’re on the same com

 “ i’ll be there,”

   Some-how

The question    to my answer was       22:40

  When do the Hijinks begin?

   Let’s             See

Marching      Intimidated 

  “we just detected        An unauthorized communication          Coming from within the        ship,”

    Shouldn’t he be making a phone      call?

  “ what did it           say?”

  Interesting

Well      we don’t know

 That’s how encoding works

 We didn’t catch it in   time

 Off

 Droid     winces

Monitor     all internal     communications

Like they’ll do it again

I want   that senator    on this bridge

Good   luck with that

You haven’t   even   saw her

Rail-ways

Nice

Busy

Should be a cakewalk

Is Not a cakewalk

All the way up there

“I do not see her,”

 Yeah, that’s the problem-

 She’s here master

I sent it

Or you got the wrong port

(So you heard her voice     so she’s clearly somewhere on this ship)

 He’s probably late again

But we do have company of another sort

Oh        She has a gun

  And somehow none of that hits     her

   And of course that gets the attention

    I’m honestly glad they didn’t go with miscommunication          Causes        fake stand up         scenario

      Even if this is         faux       Romeo and Juliet

     Good job

    Lots of       jumping

    Look     Jedi

    Good job         nice guy

    No wait         That one       guy had     common sense

   “I knew that was a bad idea,”

    Mercy

    That you didn’t show on the other      guys

    Who       were far more hesitant

     And you took out that    one guy

    Who didn’t do   anything

     Just wasn’t as  vocal

     Dicks

    Jump The peashooter      isn’t doing the job?

   Jump

 He tried

  Power      Thrust

  Ana       kin

“ There.      they          are!”

    Bull         shit

  No way     

he saw those guys

 On all those     Packages

 Also       ‘the i knew     It was      a bad     Idea     Guy       Got     New     Friends

“Fire!”

Fuck

The   bridge     is     out

“Jump     to me,”

 Try       it   with     a     little    bit     more         disinterest

“ I’ll use the force”

Even she realizes it’s not that     intense

  “ You have to trust me,”

    Good Luck

  OMG

 It looks like     she just      falls

Also Obi-wan’s in the back   like     it’s none of my business

Like dude came on a rescue mission      And     has become completely useless     never helped   once     Complained  the whole way   there

Manages

“Got you,”

“ NICE    CATCH,”     Obi  -Wan from the sidelines

    10/10        Hilarious

“ I’ll fetch the droid,”

   What??

       No

This          isn’t                   cute

     Disgusting

“Oh the things you do to get me alone,”

   KIDS don’t-

    Ack-

Please      no     more     smoopy-

nope

I’m     putting   it in     the    “bad”    corner      Till       it   stops   trying     to     ship   children

  Bad    Movie

 That’s          Not     Cute

Obi-wan             Sucks

   Can’t      even      levitate        A       Droid

  “Stop         me       please”

    Poor        Droid

    Blast          You’re            Weak

     “ That’s           not           good”

         Yeah             you’re               weak

          “Anakin               I got            separated                from                your                  droid,”                  Thank                   God

                 I’ll                   take                  care                    of                      it

             Better                             “ We’ll                   meet                      you                      back                        at                     the                    Twilight”?

                 “ I                overheard                 grievous,”

            Annnnnd

     “ They’re hyper-drive             is nearly fixed,”

       Soooo, He better get you back to the      ship so we can start blasting it with Cannon balls again?

“ i’m already headed in that direction,”

  Soooooo, don’t do it, Obi-wan?

  Or have Anakin and take the extremely important senator       And come back for you later?

  “ i’ll make sure the   hyperdrive stays off line,”

  By shooting it with more cannon-balls?

Ha ha Ha ha ha

  We’ll see about that

 What?!        Person who can do nothing!

 Like seriously if they just go back to the ship-

  That Jedi

“I’m getting you out of here,”

  Good decisions

 “I need you to help me find 3PO,”

 How?

“ I know I know     he does,”

 Padme’s        expression

“And       i’ll be there     soon,”

  That’s        almost       adorable

       Oh          like          that

‘Someone stop this contraption,”

Careful        Words

  Yeet

There        We          Go

  Into      those      boxes

“ I       suppose             I did ask for that,”

Ha-he

   That got a small giggle   out of me

 Stomping

  Bait

Murderous        Intent

 Get        Fucked        Obi   Wan

Really    rolling out all the stops

Hahaha

 “ Hello there,”

 [Took a pause.   a long break]

  General Kenobi

“ kill him,”

Straight.       To.     The.       Point.

More in line with the characterization we’ve seen up so far, not that much for conversation

Dude’s       just rolling

 There        went the others

 Bowling    pins            they          are

Oh     grievous   has     a     gun

And   hiding behind the enemy

Thought     he sent     both those     guys flying

Apparently     I was wrong

Must’ve        Been        a       Third

 Ha

Didn’t     Work

Yeet

That    poor      Droid...

 Spark*

  That        was        impressive

    Nah      he        ran      around      things

It really set up your forces for a     brawl among       them selves

“Argh,”

Dude,   how   insecure

“ Guard         the         hyperdrive,”

Oh     yeah       he      did      shit        to         it

  Also   sending     basic       level      mooks        to     deal     with        it

Shooting         Things

 Again       how      did   Anakin         and   Padme     end      up     in      the    situation?

 They      were      at      the     train    station      last

  Now         they’re         at??

 And       have      agroed         every       enemy

  Who      should       be     focusing       on    Obi-Wan   because 

  That        was        their     last        order

   Grievous      has      just         completely       ignored       Anakin

 Hiding

 You          aggroed              Them!

  Why      are        you      calling       Obi -Wan

“Come in     Obi-wan,” 

 Get     her     to       the shuttle

“ i’m afraid     grievous     is onto     us,”

“We      noticed,”

 Hey   you guys Aggroed those guys completely on your own     don’t blame Grievous   for this

“Ack,”

Those      are      Tanks

 You’re  peashooter     isn’t going       to       do       much

 Also,          Anakin      shouldn’t     be     able       to      take     them   either

This           should       be        a     properly     terrifying     moment

“ We’ll           meet      you     back        on       the     twilight,”

Good     plan

“Obi-   Wan!”

Writers      don’t     screw       this        up

 “Come     In,”

 His   communicuff     clearly    got   damaged

What’s      wrong?!

 They’re       jamming      all     communication

No again   it’s far more likely that his       communicuff        Got     Damaged     (Especially   with      Grievous      listening        in,”

Not everything is     jammed communi         cations               Yeet, yeet         Yeet

That     should    not     work Those        are     tanks

Anakin   is        a     lightweight

His skill set is     unspecified

But     he shouldn’t  be able to cut more than     butter with that knife

Light wieght     clankers     should   pose    a   challenge

Due   to   the   amount   of   energy

  “That    might      buy         us      some         time

   Unlikely

   I       suppose         you        have          a        plan      Yeah,          Get           to            the         escape         pad

     Follow            Me

    ...To          the          escape           pod

      C3PO             I do believe           I’m lost

       Seriously            you           haven’t           found              this             guy

       Enemy          Territory

       And           all            alone

       You’re         a           service            droid

         Probably             wouldn’t              notice              anything

             “Ah,”

             Dude, they’d probably just adopt       you into the clan

            “ I surrender,”

               Again I really want to see the C3PO and battle droids     conversation

               (When not aware of the other side)

 It’s      a projector...          R2 D2

    “ you are a sight for    old eyes,”

      A nice   interaction

“ Master     Anakin         sent       you          to       find        me,”

  “ what        kept           you        then?”

     He      does         have         a       point

    Dude     got   thrown      off      the     train    about      an     hour     ago

R2′s      just been messing with him

“ follow me,”

“ The general        is demanding     a        status report,”

Oh some driod on droid    interactions    (without   the    general)

 Nice

Is    the    hyperdrive   re-paired         Yet

  From     there?

“ i’ll     give     him     the   good   news,”

This   isn’t   the       escape     pad

Did   you   take   a   wrong    detour?

Also    no   one   guarding   the   super   important    one   panel   repair

Just       Light weight    clankers

   Also that’s not   good news

  (Especially considering       it’s one panel)

   Surprised     this goes      so well

Also;      now     there’s      tanks

  Surprised you think that peashooter can do anything   ma’am

   Like seriously   should’ve grabbed a bigger gun

  The   droids     have     some

  And      you can’t tell me       there       hasn’t been artillery     laying around    this     entire       time

   Yeet

  That almost-      Turned into murder                 This is why not going to the escape pods      immediately    was       a      bad      idea

  Again          this       should        be         a      stressful        fight

But turning your child soldier       Into an all powerful      can never lose       child soldier

 Is bullshit       movie

 Opened   Door

  “Ever since I’ve known you       you’ve been playing       with droids,”

  Ack

 “I used to put them together,”

  Alright...

 Now I only take them   apart      Child soldiering...

  It sucks

So,    where do we start

GETTING TO THE ESCAPE PAD!

Obi-Wan      supposed to be here                               any minute!

With whole lot of     bullshit!

   Move!

First we need to get one of these     droids so they don’t know we were here

No destroy the thing and     go

They’ll figure it out in like   five seconds

When they go to start the thing     up!

Running is a good   option

“I’m gonna     hot wire   this ship,”

How does       this make       anything            better?

 He’s already down   and       in kicking position

  Everyone’s waiting for Amidala

 You’re not helping, good sir!

  (In fact I’m pretty sure   you’d have to fix something       To make     it go,”

Secondly,      This is a     HUGE    -ass ship

As a reason it has an   electrical team

Squeezing two little   wires

Isn’t going to do       much

It requires continuous effort   to different parts of the ship       To make a dent

And I truly doubt     such   a large ship is going to have such a     non-complicated        Start-up     compared   to hotwiring     a car

Point being;     this shouldn’t work

Give      Grievous      a little surprise

Again    if it’s anything less     Then a      bomb

 Dude isn’t   gonna have   much             trouble

And    this      is       a         waste       of      time

I’ll guess     I’ll clean up the droids   then

LITERally im   possible

That’s     a      tank!

 You   carry   light     weaponry!

Back     to    the   fleet

Plo           Koon         Is       doing     nothing

Having     tea   and   cookies   with     Ahsoka

Our     ships   are       in     attack     position

So...    nothings   changed

“Master     Skywalker,”

  No      one        else      either

   “No,”

Deadpanned

 “ The      droids        are     jamming      our     transmissions,”

(More   likely   reason     for     that      on       a       -damaged     ship)

But      Ergh-

“We need to give him more     time,”

 Opinion!

“ i’m sure we can,”

I’ve been sitting on my ass-         

  [Plo’s            Head        Moves     -Railway]

   We’re         back         here      again?

   Obi-Wan         should         be         at        the     station        by         now

    Everything         is       behind        him

   Yeet

   Yeet

Make it to the   Coms   center

Break      Some      Shit

Oof     Those       Poor     Droids            Good      Pa     rell       els

  Splat!

 Obi won    looking   back-and-forth

 Obi-Wan       you       are        a      Jedi     master       this      shouldn’t       be     hard

  Run

Tum   ble

I was fully planning on   him   stacking it

Roof

Also, Obiwan

  Stop fecking         Around

  Get to the   place

  Woof

How

Did you   end up   falling over?

Ironically Obi-Wan    shows    less    emotion    than     Anakin

* Slashing      the       train*

 Okay...     what     did     I   do

Snarky        little     shit

 Could        be     snarkier

 “That         oughta    do it,”

Ana     -kin      Doing      Obi-wan’s          Job

 Also   Oh     shit      is he       plugging           in       the            location         of         that       supposed          fight           with           master-

How’s the house cleaning going-

 Im-

 That dude made out of     -metal

  He is     FIVE    times     your   bodyweight!

 HOW?

 Done?

 You     MOVED         a     Tank??

HOW-

 That’s-

What       ever

 * Guys       coming            in*

    Oh   yeah       that’s         a       door

       I         guess       repairs         are       finished

Or       they went       on      lunch       break

   Prepared        to charge        up the hyperdrive

     Right on it

“Roger, Roger,”           -famous last words

   Sparking

 Driving

  Are we      seriously      waiting     on   these   two

“Are      you   quite   sure   the   ship       is       in   that   direction?

He’s   basically   a   GPS

That     way    looks   potentially   dangerous

All   of    them   do

 “Haz       ardous,”

 Better   Example     beeping   irritatedly

“I know       the whole     place      is    dangerous,”

  Thank you   R2-     D2

“ I   suggest   we       stay   here   and    let   master   Anakin   find   us,”

Bad     idea

A better idea than anyone in the ‘let’s meet up in an undisclosed location’ came up with

Good idea

3PO

Fecking   Irony

“Don’t    just   stand   there,”

See?

“Let’s      get    back     to    the   ship,”

Irony

Power          up   the   engines     R2

You know   Obi-Wan’s     likely going to screw up your shit   right

*obi-Wan     comes     around     the   corner,*

Dude you have shit to     screw up    

Did you forget?

There shouldn’t be an     escape pod   for you

What

Hold the   ship

No, you didn’t do     anything...

Then again he could just     cannonball   it

How’s that- 

Okay     Very light   bullshit

“ i’ll   contact    the     fleet,”

It’s   the   most   you’ve     done   this   entire   time

Focus      On         The     chair

Do        cking      Clamp

There     We       Go

 Off        We     Go

 It’s       still   Burning

Grievous        Off

Why?

He doesn’t know   

Obi-Wan’s off   the ship

Last   saw   him   on   the     train...

(Not     followed    up     on   directly)

Flighters,   Where        I thought they all got     destroyed?!

All batteries   open fire

Again     Plo Koon does not give a shit       who dies

(Until sitting on his ass gets        too   boring)

Also    this isn’t his fleet

They shouldn’t listen to   him

(Especially after he got his last one   killed)

More       Shooting at the   burning     wreck

Turb      ulence

And     Obi-Wan   still    didn’t   do        his     job

Guns

You can       shoot back   at any time

“ I wa-”

Obi-wan      being   completely       useless

Anakin       having       too     much     emotion

“I   got      it,”

Shoo   ting     stuff

Somehow       doesn’t    go   down   immediately

Hit

“ She     seems     to know   her way   around,”

Gross

Hit     Something

The      Hyper       Drive

-repaired

Also   Obi-Wan   didn’t   fuck   up   shit 

Dis     appointed

Also   it   certainly    as   frick   isn’t   now

After   they’ve   been   shooting

Should we retreat     to   friendly    space?

If You can make there it with it in     one piece      (Which    was    the   qualifications)

Engage     the   hyperdrive

With   me   not   on  it

“Secret base      sector four,”

Interesting

“Prepare-”

Enthus iastic

“Yes,      Sir,”

Fighters      still   chasing

Intense

“Nice   Shoot,”

 Gross

“Beginners     luck,”

 Beeping

“Pardin-”

“Hyperdrive   is   activating,”

Obi-Wan

“ Oh-shit     Caught in a   lie.”

“-what”

-They’re getting hit with cannonballs     Anakin what did you do   ?!

(What Did      I    order you    to do?)

Coordinates    are   locked

“Hyperdrives     engaging,”

  Shit’s     about       to    go-

Ar-

Sp-       arking

Glitzy     display         Base

“ I think   there’s     a   problem,”

“General     I think     there’s a problem with the   hyperdrive,”

Yeah       The ship got refired     upon     it’s probably       re broken

Seriously

“ I thought     the hyperdrive     was fixed,”

And then it got shot again...

The navigate computer is heading a straight into the   moon

What        ??

Fools       reset the           Navi         computer

“Quick,”

Tech    Support

Dooku

Worst         time      to     call

(Don’t       think     it     could’ve       gone       more       sideways)

Also good job         Anakin         You crash landed them       on a planet         with significantly larger surface area       and resources     that they       can             use      to         re-build

 Aka              you made things harder      than they needed to      be

  Obi-Wan,        what are you     ordering       this kid

Narrowed eyes

-No     reset       it

“General,”

 Harsh

But I’m interested         in where this is going

Since        Grievous           has          had           a lot of       shit thrown at him

Doesn’t matter     which side of      enablers         he still enabling

 But          I suppose        over involved         positivity            Would be            kind of a nice      change          for         him

 Over         over involved           negativity

 Speeds         off

“Trans         -mission         Has          been          cut,”

  Intentionally

* also      smart        droid

“ We’re     Gonna         die

[Explosion]

 How?!

Whelp       Obi-Wan has to have a sit down talk with Anakin.    about the ‘ Drive the         ship into the moon,’ order

Also I realized      (thanks to Obi-Wan)     they know nothing about what just     happened         Grievous           either             decided         to        just       end          it 

or they’re all dead

Obi-Wan

 Dick move

“ I imagine        you had           something       to do       with that,”

WTF- orders

“ all part of       the plan,”

Obi-Wan schooled       Anakin in      extraterrestrial terrorism

Cheering     at least the ion cannon     isn’t coming back

Nice shot

           ...So Destroy Malevolence

               I have to say      I really like this episode

 Despite the plot      stretched thin

        There was a noticeable increase in the quality of       animation

        The child characters were     good 

The other characters were a lot more consistent  And a lot       smarter                               

[babylon-crashing]

obi: shell divination

… from Catherine Yronwode's Throwing The Bones (2012)

Obi is a quick and easy form of West African fortune telling that was developed among the Yoruba people whose traditional homeland is now largely encompassed by the modem nation of Nigeria. A similar system from the Congo is called chamalongo or zinkola nkandi.

During the era of African abduction and forced slavery, many Yorubans were transported to the Caribbean. In Cuba, under Spanish rule, they preserved a great deal of their traditional religious practices and cultural beliefs, while ostensibly practicing the Catholic religion under the veneer of Santeria or “veneration of the saints,” more respectfully known as Lukumi. Both in the African homeland and in Cuba, the Yoruba pantheon of Lukumi consists of a supreme creator god and a number of orishas, powerful spirits who have been likened to forces of nature, to angelic spirits, or even to Catholic saints.

Theologically speaking, Obi is actually the name of an orisha, the most beautiful creation God ever made. He was perfect in every way and sparkling white in color, but he was arrogant, and because of this, God cursed him by giving him a rough and dark exterior, and so he became the Kola nut, which has a dark shell but is white inside. His fall from grace is replayed every time a Kola nut falls from a tree.

In the New World, where Kola nuts do not grow, it became the practice to substitute broken pieces of Coconut shell for Kola nuts, because a Coconut is also dark on the outside with a white interior. Obi is not often thought of as bone reading, but to many diviners, a mollusk's shell is its “bone” just as much as Kola nut's shell or a Coconut's shell or a Turtle's shell is, so as time passed, obi divination incorporated the use of four Cowrie shells with their tops cut off.

In recent years, especially among non-traditional diviners who think of obi as a reading system more than a Yoruban spiritual practice, any four flat items, including coins, Ox bone dominoes, or carved Yak bone amulets — in short, any four identical binary objects with the two sides differentially marked — have been used under the name of obi.

In traditional Yoruba divination, a prayer is spoken over the obi before use. Among other things it says, “May obi remove death, may obi remove sickness ... I honor the land, and the land speaks.” If you are a newcomer to obi who is coming from outside any Nigerian or Cuban system of belief, it is a good idea to take a moment to hold the items in your hand, pray over your “yes” or “no” question in your own way, and then gently toss the items onto your casting surface.

To understand your answer — that is, to learn how obi works — you first need to learn how the binary values are traditionally assigned to the items that are thrown or cast.

Cowrie shells are read as falling with the natural opening side or the cut side up or down; some obi readers refer to the “mouths” being up or down. Coconut shell pieces with adhering white edible flesh are read as falling with the “white” inside up or the “dark” outside up. Nontraditional flat items such as coins, marked bone disks, or tiles, are read as falling with the heads or tails side up; if you use four Ox bone and Ebony wood dominoes, for instance, the marked bone fronts are heads or “white” and the unmarked wooden backs are tails or “dark.”

The four pieces are cast in one throw. There are five possible outcomes. You will first need to memorize them by appearance:

• Alafia: 4 open Cowries; 4 white Coconuts; 4 heads.

• Etawa: 3 open and 1 closed Cowries; 3 white and 1 dark Coconut; 3 heads and 1 tails.

• Ejife: 2 open and 2 closed Cowries; 2 white and 2 dark Coconuts; 2 heads and 2 tails.

• Okana Sode: 1 open and 3 closed Cowries; 1 white and 3 dark Coconuts; 1 heads and 3 tails.

• Oyeku: 4 closed Cowries; 4 dark Coconuts; 4 tails.

You will next want to memorize the meanings attached to each of the five patterns, which are called the five “letters.”

• Alafia: Blessings! “yes” to whatever you asked about — and you may get even more than you requested, or what you want will come about sooner than you hoped it would. If two “white” sides of the Coconut shells touch, the reading is “Alafia with Ire,” a great blessing. A second toss may be used to confirm this answer.

• Etawa: “Maybe.” You will probably get what you asked for, but you will have to work hard for it or you will have to accept some delays before the results materialize. Make offerings to the spirits. This is an incomplete sign, so Etawa always requires that a second toss be made to clarify the reading, and the outcome of this second toss will greatly modify the divinatory results.

• Ejife: “Yes,” but because the dark and light sides are in equal balance, you are cautioned not to ask any further questions on this particular subject. If two “white” sides of the Coconut shells touch, this is called “Ire,” and it is considered to be a particular blessing.

• Okana Sode: A simple “No.” What you asked about is not going to come to pass or what you wished for will not happen. However, even though darkness is greater than light, you may ask another question so that you can be answered in greater detail.

• Oyeku: This is a very strong “No.” There are negative spiritual implications as well, and you may need to undertake some serious spiritual cleansing in order to clear away the dark conditions or dead spirits that surround you or this issue in your life. In addition, Oyeku may mean that the spirits of the Ancestors or of the dead have something to say. You may ask again, if you wish, in order to gain further insights into the question at hand.

Regarding the second toss required if the first throw is Etawa, Dr. E., a priest in the Lukumi tradition and a member of the Association of Independent Readers and Rootworkers, explains:

“Different people interpret a first toss of Etawa in different ways. One way to see it is that obi is still thinking about the question; another way to describe it is that the divination needs further clarification.

“After Etawa, if the second toss is Alafia, Etawa, or Ejife, then the answer is 'Yes,' in various permutations.

“Etawa followed by Alafia means 'Peace after obstacles.'

“Etawa twice in a row means 'Yes,' but it also carries the further idea of 'Don't ask what you already know.'

“Etawa followed by Ejife means, 'Absolutely; you will be able to conquer this.'

“If the second toss after Etawa is either Okana Sode or Oyeku, the answer is going to be some form of 'No.'

“If Okana Sode follows Etawa, the answer is simply, 'No.'

“If Oyeku follows Etawa, the answer is, 'No, and the dead are asking to speak.”

Dr. E. also adds the following advice, “Traditional diviners always keep a gourd or a bowl of water next to them while casting. When Okana Sode or Oyeku fall, they will moisten their fingers in this water and then use their fingers to moisten the backs of the face-down shells and place them face-up before picking them up to cast them again.”

In February, 2012, Lukianos, also an initiate in a Lukumi tradition and a member of the Association of Independent Readers and Rootworkers, was a guest on the Lucky Mojo Hoodoo Rootwork Hour Radio Show. We discussed some of the ways in which obi can move a binary reading beyond simple “yes” or “no” outcomes:

I asked, “In the chat room someone wrote, 'Does Obi ever change the question when you're asking it?' and, Lukianos, you posted, 'Obi does indeed have a perspective of its own, but usually when it changes the subject, it means I'm asking the wrong question.'

“Explain what you mean by that. what does 'Obi changes the subject mean, and what is 'asking the wrong question?'

'Lukianos replied, “So, there are two general instances where Obi 'changes the subject.'

“The first instance is when you have Oyeku come up. This is four mouths down. There are several different reasons Oyeku can come up.

“One: 'That question is closed. We're not going any farther with that.'

“Two: 'The dead or some other spiritual entity wishes to speak.' In this case, Oyeku marks a break, something to sort of get your attention and allow you to ask, 'Who is it who wishes to speak now?'

“Three: 'The obi need to be refreshed.' Because we're working with a system that comes out of West Africa, the notion is of cool cleansing water, so the idea is, when something gets overly hot or overly worked up, then in order to regain clarity, you have to cool it down, which is why I keep my obi shells in a cool bowl of water between tosses.

“But more often than not, what I mean when I say that obi 'changes the subject' is that I've asked a series of questions that I think make sense, based on what I understand of the situation, but I'll get answers that don ft make sense in terms of how they're paired. So I'll look at that and I'll think to myself, (Okay, let's assume, given the questions I asked and the answers I got, that all of these things are correct. What would have to be the case in order for that to be true?' And that convinces me to change the model that I'm using in asking the questions.

“So 'asking the wrong question' means that what I'm assuming may not actually be the case. It may not actually represent the situation. And then it's up to me as a reader to rethink it, step back, and then ask questions to clarify and figure out what I'm not understanding about the situation.”

I responded, “Yeah, that is key. That's really important, because the inclination of the newcomer is to doubt the system of divination. But if you step back and say, 'How did I ask the question that allowed this to come up?'often you'll see it. And that's when YOU are really learning divination, when you trust the divination system;whatever system it is.”

Lukianos agreed, “Yes, it's not about reading the signs in the divination; it's about asking the right question in the first place. Honestly, learning how to ask the right question is far more difficult than learning how to read the oracle itself.”

Let's summarize what Lukianos and Dr. E. just taught us about obi:

• Etawa requires a second casting. The outcome of the second throw modifies the meaning of Etawa.

• Oyeku, in addition to, “No!” can also signify the dead. This letter may point to the Ancestors or other discarnate spirits. Take a moment to pause, then ask who it is who wishes to speak, employing the “yes” or “no” system of obi to ascertain the name.

• Obi may require cooling down between questions. Keeping your shells in a clear glass bowl of water will calm and refresh them, as will moistening the “dark” sides of the shells that have come up when Okana Sode or Oyeku fall.

• If the answers don't make sense, re-examine the question. This is especially important when you are asking a question on behalf of a client who may not have told you much about the situation. Try reframing the client's narrative in order to uncover a more relevant question.

It is a misleading truism among diviners unfamiliar with obi to say that, because it is a binary system, it will only answer “yes” or “no” questions. As you can now see, there is a lot more to the obi shells than “yes” or “no.” With finesse and further training, you will be able to use obi to get at the deeper picture of any situation. Keep in mind that as with Chinese oracle bone reading divinations, the key to expanding a simple system's power is to ask carefully framed variations on the question.

(pages 33-39)

[darisu-chan]

A Lifetime By Your Side

Another one-shot to join my alternate timeline. I’ll put the links in order here for your enjoyment. (the beginning of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and the epilogue of 11)

Hope you like it!

You can also read it here.

Prompt: it’s just ten years, but it’s such a long time 

Summary: As the anniversary of the day they met arrives, Ichigo and Rukia discuss the past and the future.

Rukia woke up early that morning. It wasn’t unusual. She did wake up early almost every day, but that day it felt different than ordinary. She looked down at her bed and found her husband fast asleep. Her husband. Those words made her feel butterflies whenever she thought about them. Although they had only been married for over a week, the knowledge that she was actually married to Ichigo hadn’t quite set in. It felt honestly like a dream come true. A smile formed on her face as she gently brushed his spiky hair back. The orange tresses were softer than they appeared. In his sleep, Ichigo didn’t frown. He was relaxed and he smiled when he felt Rukia’s touch. She grinned and leaned down to kiss his forehead. “Wake up.” She whispered in his ear. Ichigo grumbled but didn’t wake up. She kissed his neck then, sucking a bit for added effect. A moan escaped his lips and she smirked. “Wake up.” She said again, louder this time. He shifted in his sleep and suddenly brown, warm eyes were staring at her.

“Hey.” Ichigo mumbled, voice gruff from the sleep.

“Good morning, sleepy head.” Rukia greeted him.

He suddenly grabbed her and nuzzled his head in the crook of her neck. “Now’s a good morning.”

She giggled and pecked his lips, causing his smile to widen. “It is.”

“How are you awake after last night?” He wondered and the question caused Rukia to blush. They were currently in their room, the white sheets barely covering their naked bodies. Last night, and every night since their wedding for that matter, had been fantastic in more ways than one. She really shouldn’t be ashamed. It had happened before, even when they weren’t married, but she felt embarrassed to admit out loud she loved being like this with Ichigo.

“I felt different.” She said, shrugging.

“Different? How? You’re not getting sick on me?” Ichigo asked, sitting down, the sheet falling from his body to reveal his well-toned chest. She bit her lip, action that didn’t go unnoticed for he smirked. “Like what you see?”

“Shut up.” Rukia slapped his chest. “I just feel as if we’re forgetting something.”

“What could we possibly forget?” He asked, playing with her long hair.

“Say, what day is it?” She countered, trying to think if they had a meeting of some sort. Surely not. They had been given a leave for two weeks for their honeymoon. Ichigo thought about it for a minute and then said the day. Both gasped and looked at each other. “You mean today is…?”

“The day we met.” He finished for her.

Memories rushed to both of them.

Ichigo’s old room in Karakura Town.

The Hollow.

Sode No Shirayuki impaling his chest.

Ichigo’s first transformation as a Shinigami.

How their story had begun.

“So it’s been now, what? Ten years?” Ichigo asked out loud.

“Seems like it.”

“It’s funny. It feels as if I’ve known you for a lifetime.” He admitted.

Rukia raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?” It sounded as if he was calling her a handful.

“It’s just all of our adventures didn’t actually expand for a long time, but, in reality, it felt as if we had been together forever.” He started explaining. “The first time, you and I were partners for roughly two months before…” He trailed off, not knowing what to say.

“Before nii-sama and Renji took me back to the Soul Society. Yes, I remember.” She answered, smiling reassuringly at him to express she wasn’t sad at remembering those memories. They were painful. Very. But they had led her to where she was now.

“Back then, I knew you were worth risking everything.” Ichigo said sincerely, taking her hand in his. “But I didn’t know exactly why. And I didn’t know for a long time until you went away the second time.”

They both recalled those seventeen months. They had changed in many different ways, but their bond had remained as strong if not stronger than before.

“I visited you during those months.” Rukia confessed. “Did I ever tell you about that?”

“Not in detail.” He answered. He had never brought it up and she had only mentioned it in passing during the six years they had been on a relationship. “When exactly did you come?”

“Only a few times. A couple of days… on your birthday.”

Ichigo visibly winced. “You saw that?” He whispered, voice raw.

Rukia turned her body and wrapped her arms firmly around him too. His arms embraced her as well and both remained in that position for some time. “I was a mess too, you know?” She said, looking into his eyes. “I wanted to hug you like I’m doing now.”

He nodded and then hummed. “That’s what I’m saying. We had known each other for just a few months and we were both in despair.”

“Remember what you told me before? That maybe we met in another lifetime?” She said, putting her head on his shoulder. Ichigo nodded. “What if it was true?”

He seemed to ponder it for a few minutes and then he shrugged. “It might be. But I’m beginning to think it’s more about our personalities. We complement each other.”

“We are a good team.”

“And we lived through similar experiences and we have similar personalities. Maybe it has to do with that.”

“Or that we changed each other’s worlds.”

“That too.”

They stayed silent, just enjoying being this close to one another. Rukia thought about everything they had lived through together. She thought about those early days, living in Ichigo’s closet. She thought about learning more about Ichigo day by day until she really couldn’t imagine a time when they hadn’t known each other. Then, she returned to Soul Society. She recalled the guilt for having dragged him to her world. It became stronger when he came to save her. But, deep down, Rukia had felt immeasurable happiness of knowing she meant as much to Ichigo as he meant to her. Then he had rescued her, and in that moment she had become aware that there was no going back. She thought about their other adventures. About hollows, the Arrancar, Hueco Mundo, Aizen. Then, their bittersweet goodbye just after winning the war. She reminisced their months apart. Her promotion to lieutenant. Cutting her hair short. Visiting Ichigo in Karakura. Urahara’s plan to give him his powers back. The hilt of the sword in her hands as she returned to him that which he had wanted most. Their new hello. Then, it was yet another war. The emotional and physical wounds they had sustained. The last battle. The fear of Ychwach coming back even if Ishida had assured them he wouldn’t. Her failed relationship with Renji, driven by the fear of having feelings towards someone she thought was out of her reach. Ichigo’s confession right before her wedding. The decision to not marry Renji. Going to Karakura with Ichigo for a month. Their developing relationship until he moved to the Soul Society. Six years of bickering and kisses and misunderstandings and more love than Rukia thought it was possible to ever feel. Late night conversations. Training together. Working on paperwork until the sun set. Dinner with nii-sama. Travels to Karakura. The beach. Restless weeks as he went to Hueco Mundo and she stayed behind. More hollows to purify. New trainees to look for and train. Holding hands. Kisses stolen here and there. Making love, while covered in the darkness of the night. A heartfelt proposal. Their wedding.

Ten years weren’t long for someone like Rukia, who had been around for over a century. And she had lived. She had lived many experiences, some great others bad. There had been times when she hadn’t thought about the future. There had been others when she had wondered if there was a future to look forward to. But they couldn’t compare to everything she had shared with Ichigo. There had been blood and tears but there had been more smiles and more comfort than she had ever known before. Because Ichigo made her want to live every day to the fullest, even if he wasn’t right next to her. Because of his will, she had been given the life she had always wanted. A relationship with her brother. Friends who cared about her. A place in her squad. Rukia would have been content with knowing she had met Ichigo even if they hadn’t gotten together at the end. But having the knowledge she would get more love than ever in her life given so freely, with no attachments and without asking, make her realize she had chosen well. Being merely satisfied just wasn’t enough. Being completely happy was what she had always strived for. Nothing else could compare to what Ichigo made her feel, made her experience. He was often grateful to her for showing him the world of the Shinigami, the world he truly belonged in. But Rukia felt so much grateful for finally meeting someone who believed in her, no questions asked.

It did feel like a lifetime, because every day with Ichigo was better than the last.

And there was even more to come.

“Thank you.” Rukia suddenly said.

“What for?” He asked, clearly surprised.

“For everything.” She said meaningfully.

“That’s my line.” Ichigo smiled before kissing her deeply, passionately, the way he always was.

“Our future will be even brighter.” He said, breaking the kiss.

Rukia smiled and pulled him closer.

They both were meant for great things. They were so many yet to come. But the greatest thing in their lives had been the chance they had had to meet all those ten years ago.

[autodidact-adventures]

Culinary History (Part 24): History of Measuring

During Anglo-Saxon times, the Winchester measure was established in England (Winchester was the capital at the time). It was based on the Winchester bushel, which was 64lb (29kg) of wheat.  It was better to use wheat than flour, because the density varies less.  The Winchester measure was the volume that a Winchester bushel took up.  It was then subdivided down into:

bushel = 4 pecks

peck = 2 gallons

gallon = 4 quarts

quart = 4 pints

So, there were 128 pints in a bushel.  A pint is 473ml, and a bushel is 35.24 litres.

There is a old saying, “A pint's a pound the world around”.  A pint of wheat is actually half a pound (as there are 128 pints in a bushel, and a bushel of wheat is 64 pounds).  But a pint of water weighs a pound (i.e. twice as much as wheat).  Hence the saying.

The Winchester gallon was also called the corn gallon. And it wasn't the only type of volumetric measurement!  There was also the wine gallon (about 3.79 litres) and the ale gallon (about 4.63 litres).  The difference between them may have been because ale was drunk in larger volumes than wine.

The lack of standardization was a problem, both for customers and for the state, because it mucked around with the duty charged on goods.  In 1215, the Magna Carta tried to fix it: “Let there be one measure of wine throughout our whole realm; and one measure of ale; and one measure of corn.”  It didn't work.  From 1066 to the end of the 1600's, there were over twelve different gallon measurements, some for liquids and some for solids.

The wine gallon was also called the Queen Anne gallon (from the 1700′s).

In the 1790's, after the French Revolution, the French began to establish the metric system.  The metre was meant to be one ten-millionth of the Earth's meridian (an imaginary line between the North & South Poles), but it's actually a bit smaller, because of a miscalculation.

The French were now measuring everything in tens.  (There was even an attempt at a ten-day week, the décade). The new measures were laid out in a law of the 18th Germinal.  They would use litres, grams and metres, and throw out the old chaotic measurements.  This was to show how rational and scientific France now was.

In 1790, George Washington asked Thomas Jefferson (Secretary of State) to work out a plan for reforming weights and measures.  They already had decimal coinage.  But Congress couldn't agree on either of Jefferson's reform proposals, and for the next several decades they couldn't decide on a solution.

In 1824, the British Parliament voted to use a single imperial gallon, for both dry and liquid measurements.  This was defined as “the volume occupied by ten pounds of water at specified temperature and pressure”, which ended up as 277.42 cubic inches, or 4.55 litres. This was close to the old ale gallon (and bigger than the corn gallon).  The other measurements (peck, etc) were shuffled to fit.  Now the saying was:

A pint's a pound the world round

Except in Britain where

A pint of water's a pound and a quarter.

The imperial gallon was in place for the whole British Empire.

In 1836, America finally reformed their measurements (somewhat).  But they weren't going to follow Britain.  Instead, they used the old corn gallon for dry goods, and the old wine gallon for liquids.

Because of the two different systems, Britain and America have had problems with understanding each other's cookbooks.  In 1969, Britain officially adopted the metric system, and this just made things harder.  Nowadays, only America, Liberia and Myanmar still use the imperial system.

Measurements of size, as well as of volume, were non-standardized for a very long time.  Since the middle ages, recipe-writers would write things like “finger-breadths of water”, “butter the size of a pea”.  Of course, medieval cooks had no rulers, digital scales or measuring jugs.  So they had to rely on comparisons that other people would understand.

The also left out things that they assumed the reader would already know. Hannah Wolley wrote The Queen-Like Closet, or Rich Cabinet in 1672.  In it, she gives a recipe to make “pancakes so crisp as you may set them upright.”  The recipe goes:

Make a dozen or a score of them in a Frying-pan, no bigger than a Sawcer, then boil them in Lard, and they will look as yellow as Gold, and eat very well.

This is barely a recipe at all.  It gives no details on how long to cook them, how much lard to use, or how hot they should be cooked at.  It wasn't intended for a beginner cook, but rather for someone who already knew how – more of a memory aid.

Frontispiece of The Queen-Like Closet.

Back further, in the time of Ancient Rome, the situation was the same. It's very difficult to reconstruct old recipes because of this.  A recipe by Apicius for “another mashed vegetable” goes:

Cook the lettuce leaves with onion in sode water, squeeze, chop very fine; in the mortar crush pepper, lovage, celery seed, dry mint, onion; add stock, oil and wine.

Measurements have often been based on the body, because so long as one person is doing the measuring, the ratio works out just fine.  The Sumerians used the width of the pinky and of the hand; and the distance between the pinky-tip and thumb-tip on an stretched hand.  The basic Greek measurement was the daktylos (width of a finger), and 24 of them made a cubit. The Romans used the daktylos but called it a digit.

The finger was a common kitchen measurement.  Martino de Rossi (1400's Italian culinary expert) said, “take four fingers of marzipan”. Pellegrino Artusi (late 1800's cookbook writer) began one of his recipes with, “Take long, slender, finger-length zucchini”.

Handfuls were also used.  Many Irish cooks still use handfuls of flour to make soda bread.

Moving away from the body – the walnut was a very common measurement, from France, Italy and England to Russia and Afghanistan.  It's been used at least since the Middle Ages.  This is because walnuts tend to be about the same size, and they were seen often enough to remember how big they were.  There are some small varieties, such as the French noix noisette (about hazelnut size).  But the common walnut is what the comparison is for.  It is usually 2.5-3.5 in diameter.

The walnut (Juglans regia) was imported from Persia to Ancient Greece, and reached China by 400 AD.  It was an important crop in medieval France, but didn't reach Britain until the 1400's.

Butter was often measured walnut-size.  In 1823, Mary Eaton used a piece of butter “the size of a walnut” to stew spinach.  In 1861, Mrs. Beeton said to use a walnut-sized butter for grilling rumpsteaks.

There were many other objects used for measurements.  Peas were common, and so was the nutmeg (about a modern teaspoon).  In the 1600's, bullets and tennis balls were used.  Various coins were a reference too, which is how you have the silver-dollar pancakes in America.

Nutmeg.

Yelena Molokhovets (b.1831) was a Russian cook.  She wrote the famous A Gift to Young Housewives, which had over 20 editions and sold over 295,000 copies.  She cut ginger the size of a thimble, and dough the size of a wild apple. Butter was, again, walnut-sized.

The modern kitchen term “dice” come from when cooks like Robert May (1558-c.1664) cut beef marrow into “great dice” and “small dice”.

The clock began to be used in the kitchen by the 1700's.  But before that, recipes usually gave cooking times in prayers.

For example, a medieval French recipe for preserved walnuts says to boil them for the time it takes to say a Miserere (which is about 2min).  The shortest measurement of time was the Ave Maria (about 20sec).  Everyone knew how long these prayers took, because they chanted them together in church, at the same speed.

The usual way to test the heat of an oven was by simply sticking your hand in it.  You'd tell from the level of pain how hot it was, and if the oven was ready for baking loaves, which needed the fiercest heat.

The paper test was used often by confectioners in the 1800's.  The purpose of this test was to follow the decreasing levels of heat as the oven cooled down.  Cakes and pastries, because of their high butter & sugar content, could catch fire if they were put in at a too-high temperature.

A piece of white kitchen paper was put on the oven floor, and the door was shut.  If it caught fire, it was too hot.  10min later, another piece of paper was put in, and if it charred, it was still too hot. 10min more, and if the paper turned dark brown (without catching fire), then it was “dark brown paper heat”, suitable for glazing small pastries, which needed a high heat.

Then there was “light brown paper heat”, a few degrees lower, for vol-au-vents, hot pie crusts, timbales, etc.  “Dark yellow heat” was a moderate temperature, for larger pastries.  And finally there was “light yellow paper heat”, a gentle temperature, for meringues, manqués and génoises.

The flour test was similar.  A handful of flour was thrown onto the oven floor, and you waited for 40sec.  If the flour slowly browned, then it was the right temperature for bread.

The earliest thermometers were invented in the 1500's, mostly for measuring air temperature.  The Fahrenheit scale was invented in 1724, and the Celsius scale in 1742.  But even in the late 1800's, measuring heat in the kitchen was done with the old methods.

Thermometers (mid-1600′s) that go up to 50°.  Black dots mark each degree, and white dots mark each 10°.

Around the turn of the century, cooks began realizing the usefulness of thermometers.  A new American oven called the “new White House” had an oven thermometer included, “in order to keep...strictly up to the minute.”

In 1915, the first gas oven with a fully-integrated thermometer appeared on the market.  By the 1920's, electric stoves with electromechanical thermostats were being produced.  However, it was easier to just buy a separate thermometer and get it fitted to the oven, if you didn't want to go out and buy a new one.