#AND NOT SO EASILY DEFINABLE -- THAN SOMEONE THAT IS BASICALLY THE SAME BUT ALLOROMANTIC AND HUMAN

[variousqueerthings]

smthin about this from julie gardner about when the doctor "gives" rose the other doctor: "...and of course our doctor can't say it. And why can't he say it? He can't say it because... he can't ever be completely human. And he has to be in pain."

ALSO this from billie piper: "when belle kisses the beast and he turns into a man, and you're really happy that he's human, but you're also really upset that the beast is gone. and I always felt like that at the end- I don't know where I'm going with this, but I always felt like she shouldn't be kissing that number two, and also he's not the same, it's all a bit weird."

I have so many! questions! thoughts even!

[aroworlds]

hello! i hope you don’t mind a q: ive id’d as aro for so long id rather talk to a community than a q&a blog. basically, ive been in a qpr for about 6mo with a rly lovely person. im happy and were communicating a lot, but im finding that as the initial stronger “honeymoon” feelings settle down, im becoming more confused abt how love feels or what im “supposed” to be feeling in a qpr. do you have insight? also idm if you toss this to other followers instead of using spoons to respond personally

Oh, anon, I understand that, so no worries. I don’t follow any 101/ask-styleblogs for any of my identities because so many conversations are on alevel of identity exploration no longer relevant to me.

I will say that I am not the world’s most experienced person when it comesto relationships, so I encourage folks who feel that they relate to your wordsto comment away, because your personal experience is much more important thanmy rambling. (And thanks for being such a dear about my spoons!)

I will also say, more for other people reading this post than for you, anon,that I consider thispost by @aroacepagans​ and thispost by @aphobephobe essential reading on the subject of queerplatonicrelationships, especially in terms of exploring what QPRs are and how theyfunction as a response to amatonormativity. These posts convey a note of “QPRsdescribe non-amatonormative relationships that fit the needs of theparticipants as opposed to the amatonormative mold of participants shaped tofit the relationship” that form the backbone of how I understand a QPR.

Anon, I am wary of words like “should” and “supposed”.

They’re words I tend to say unthinkingly: I should feel this, I shouldn’twant this, I’m supposed to do this more easily, I’m supposed tounderstand, I’m not supposed to be confused. They’re words that compareourselves to an illusion of experience and leave us wanting, and the goodpsychologists I’ve worked with made interrupting noises every time I spokethem. Yes, Western society has a raft of rules about how to be human that itexpects me to live up to, but are those rules right and fair? Do theyacknowledge my limitations and struggles and differences, or do they make me feel bad about being shoved in a box that doesn’t fit me? Is there anything about the litany of shouldand supposed that allows us to regard ourselves, as we truly are, withkindness and compassion?

Are we truly supposed to feel anything? Or is it kinder to let go ofthe idea that we are supposed to feel in any specific way, to giveourselves space to feel as we do?

What is love, then? What does it feel like? Whatever love is or howmuch it matters, no two people are going to have the same answer orunderstanding on how it works, what it feels like to experience and howimportant it is to possess it or understand it. I find love to be anebulous concept at best, and I don’t use it as a basis for defining how I careabout other people. I come across as that heartless aro autistic byalloromantic and allistic norms because I cannot perform socially-centred love, but I find peace in centring things I better understand, likegratitude, connection and compassion. Other people will feel differently ofcourse, but I think it proves that there is no universal understanding of whatlove is, its importance or the ways in which it operates and is expressed (justas there’s no true universalunderstanding of what romance is or how it operates).

If love is an individualised experience, even though society pushes theillusion it isn’t, is there any way to determine what it’s “supposed” to feellike or when I’m “supposed” to feel it, even if/when it’s non-romantic?

The aro-spec community looked at the amatonormative mould of romanticattraction and love as universal, said no, that doesn’t work for us, andthen developed a relationship model that ignores it. For this reason, as weknow what it means to be erased by a model that doesn’t serve us, it seems tome that determining how we’re supposed to feel love in a QPR undermines thespirit of naming QPRs in the first place.

I will push for QPRs to be individualistic at heart, defined by the peoplewithin them, with limitless possibilities for what their love/connection looks like andhow relevant love/connection is to those involved. If you are in a QPR, anon? If you andyour partner are content? Then your love is enough, and your love is right forthat QPR, and there is no need for a map of supposed to shove you onto apre-existing road. You can build your own, designed for the relationship you’rein.

Unlike a romantic relationship, that’s a scary thing: there’s no outline ofprogression, no map to follow, no pre-marked stops on the route ahead of you,fewer folks who can advise you. There’s fewer narratives on what a QPR maylook like long-term, where you might end up, or what this relationship mightbecome under stress or tension—or how to keep a QPR together under thoseforces. I have a feeling, anon, that this is from where your ask may be coming,and that’s a weight all aro-specs bear in varying ways, this sense that we’rewalking paths nobody has travelled before us. You’re not alone in it, andyou’re right to struggle with it (I know I do!) but I don’t think there’s anyanswer for you in my positing what your love or any other feelings in a QPR is “supposed” to be.

(I’d love to see discussions about folks in longer-term QPRs and howthey deal with tensions and outside stresses on and within their relationship,especially for situations when romantic relationships serve as no usefulguideline or parallel. We need more mature conversations on QPRs that gowell beyond their inception and focus instead on the long-term building andthe sustaining of them under social and amatonormative pressures.)

If you’re concerned, anon, ask your partner. Talk about what it is you feel,ask what they feel. Talk about what love means to you and them, talk about whata QPR means to you and them, talk about the lack of social narrative to guideyou both and how that impacts you and them, talk about this feeling that youdon’t know what you’re “supposed” to feel in terms of love in a QPR, talkabout expectations and dreams and needs, talk. I'd be surprised if your partnerisn’t feeling some of this, too, and it’s so much easier to endure the pressureof “supposed” when you’ve got someone to share it with!

I don’t believe that there’s any kind of love or other feelings we’re “supposed” to feel in aQPR, and I’d never draw lines for you or anyone else on that point. All I cando is validate you in my belief that if your love or connection is accepted and valued by you and your partner, that’s all that matters.