#ALSO the stuff in the journal is an excuse for him to be caught up to speed with the.

[blaiddraws]

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Emmet's.... having a time.

i need to stop going really far into shading random panels it's,, taking time. it's FUN but it takes Time 😔

[charmedbystars]

you don't get it (e-1610 miles morales)

pairing: e-1610 miles x reader (unrequited)

summary: you try to understand miles, but you cant.

a/n: this is the first time i try writing something so i'm so sorry if it's bad. plz leave suggestions and stuff if ya want! also debating a part 2 but i hate this sooo i don't know yet...

you and miles grew up together. making an oath to stick together for the rest of your lives in the sandbox of a park about two blocks from miles’ apartment. and you guys sure stuck to that oath. from crying about getting sand in each other’s eyes, going through the awkward teenage phase (and miles still going through it), to being accepted into the same school. you guys were inseparable. 

recently, you found out about miles’ secret vigilante identity. you didn’t take it very well and constantly scolded miles about his safety, but you were glad he chose to trust you. 

of course, when it came to trust it came with knowing other stuff too… such as knowing who gwen was. and to make it even better, since you were the only person (other than ganke) that he can go on to talk about her, you became a victim of listening to the constant babble of gwen this and gwen that. you literally didn’t know how much longer you can take it, especially with those feelings of yours bubbling in your stomach. 

of course… how cliché of you to be in love with your best friend of years. plus your best friend being the super oblivious miles did not make it any better. 

anyways going back, you didn’t know how to tell miles that you’re in love with him without ruining your years of friendship or how to just simply ask him to shut the fuck up about gwen without hurting his feelings. you literally didn’t know how he could talk about her for hours without getting tired (although if someone asked you about miles, you would go on for ages, but that’s different) and the number of times you’ve caught him sketching her in his journal has become freaky. 

you love miles but this is just getting tiring. you want things to be how they were. when you guys would sneak up to the roof and talk about the stars or sneak out to do some graffiti. now it’s just cancelled plans, late texts backs, and constant excuses. and that’s how you are now, sitting outside the steps of miles’ apartment waiting for him to arrive with the cakes for his dad’s promotion party. you look down at your phone and open it again to see if he responded.

you: hey miles im outside waiting 4 you

you: dont forget the cakes and stay safe

you: lemme know when you arrive plz

Delivered 

you sighed for the twentieth time, wondering when miles was going to arrive. you just sat outside on the steps to his apartment when about ten minutes later you hear a crash. you stand and squint looking up. 

“y/n! come upstairs so we can enter the rooftop together,” there was miles, head handing outside his window. you nodded your head and headed upstairs to his apartment. you didn’t even bother knocking and simply just barging into his house. walking into his room, you see miles rushing to get his shoes on. 

leaning against the wall, you stared down at miles, “so what was it this time? it better be good enough that you’re late to your own father’s party”

“yes i knowww, i just got caught up doing some stuff. the villian today was super weird though and then i almost lost the cakes, but you know what? none of that matters because i’m here now!” he gave you one of his wide smiles.

you couldn’t stay serious with him when you gave you that smile. you yourself cracked a smile, shaking your head. “okay, noted. crazy day for spiderman, now hurry up and get your shoes on faster because one more minute longer and your mom is gonna freak.”

“well seems like my mom is already freaking,” miles smugly looked at you while standing up, grabbing the cakes and leaving you behind. you grumbled and just followed behind him. 

arriving to the rooftop, you can already see miles’ mom looking around and as if she sensed miles, she quickly walked over to you guys. 

“miles donde estabas? you’re late to your own dad’s party? y/n thank you so much for getting miles here,” miles’ brows furrowed as his mom gave you all the glory for him being there.

“mom what? i got here just fine!” 

“no, thank y/n because i know she’s the responsible one out of the two of you,” you gave miles the same smug look that he gave you earlier and tilted your head a little higher.

“anyways, grab something to eat. miles, ven porque your dad and i want to talk to you for a minute” rio gave her son a look. 

you simply nodded your head and strolled off to make yourself a plate. sitting down on a bench somewhere, you tried to block out and avert your gaze from miles’ parents yelling at him. you felt bad that you couldn’t do anything especially when you know so much about him that others don’t understand. 

about an hour has passed since miles’ scolding and you didn’t want to approach him directly after to save him from embarrassment and allow him to take a few minutes to himself. you assumed that he went to his room and would come back in a couple minutes because you knew he wouldn’t completely miss his dad’s party. 

you engaged in small conversations with miles’ cousins and family members, but after a while they left to go eat or do their own thing. resorting to scrolling through your phone and watching a couple tiktoks when you feel a tap on your shoulder.

“mija, quien es esa que esta arriba con miles?” rio tilted her head in the direction where miles was. surprising you completely, miles was on the water tower with gwen laughing and nudging each other. looking and them and snapping your head back to rio who seemed a but agitated with her eyebrows quirked up. 

“uhh.. i think that’s gwanda? one of miles’ friends but she’s usually out of town. miles’ never mentioned her coming though…” you simply shrugged your shoulders. feeling a heavy weight in your stomach, you tried not to look over at them again. 

approaching behind rio was jeff. he had a similar expression as rio, brows furrowed and scratching his head. 

“she looks old enough to vote… and i bet she doesn’t even speak spanish,” rio kept talking about gwen which didn’t help you trying to block out the sinking feeling. jeff crossed his arms and kept looking over at them. 

somehow, rio convinced you and jeff to go up to the water tower and meet gwen. now, you’ve never met gwen but you sure have heard enough about her to know that she’s not a bad person. 

rio was stumbling to get up the tower and introduce herself to gwen. crashing into miles slightly, not caring a bit if she interrupted anything. “hello! i’m miles’ mom,”

“rio! i’ve heard so much about you!” immediately hearing those words come out of gwen’s mouth, you winced. you knew that rio was not about having first name bases with any one of miles’ friends. you glanced over at miles’ expression who seemed a bit worried. 

looking at the interaction was a bit odd and very awkward, especially with you standing next to miles’ parents doing nothing. you didn’t want to make a move to introduce yourself either, you didn’t know if there was anything for you to say really. honestly rio’s jokes weren’t making it any better either. hearing “don’t take him from me.. oh! you can’t cause he’s grounded haha” and “don’t break his heart” coming from rio’s mouth was just making you want to get bitten by a spider so you can turn invisible in that moment. 

gwen trying to escape the moment made up that she needed to get her steps in and go. turning around to give miles a handshake, she glanced over, noticing you in the corner. not wanting to be rude, you just gave a wave. she gave you a small smile until taking off down the stairs. 

once she left, jeff also left to return to the party leaving miles, rio, and you behind. miles ignored both of your presence and leaned against the railing, shoving his face into his hands. you went up to miles and rubbed his back.

“i’m sorry miles,” he glanced over at you and gave a sigh. you looked over you shoulder and looked at rio. she seemed to be thinking. deciding to give miles and his mom a little time to talk, heart to heart, you descended down the stairs. 

looking down at the city below you, millions of thoughts run through your mind. almost all of them being about miles. you wanted to help him, you wanted to be there for him in every way, but you just don’t seem enough. you didn’t know what to do and you don’t want to try to seem understanding when you have absolutely no idea what he’s going through. you just want him to feel at peace with you. there’s nothing you want more in the world than seeing miles happy. although the feeling in your stomach of knowing that miles’ happiness lies with gwen and not with you just made you nauseous, you knew you had to let him go. but, before you let him go… maybe you’ll try. 

seeing miles and his mom done talking, you see miles about to leave. getting a feel of adrenaline through your veins, you ran after him before he managed to take a step down the stairs. 

“miles! where are you going?” you cocked your head to the side.

“i’m going after gwen. there’s something going on and i’m going to follow after her,” he tapped his feet and glanced around as if he’s if a rush. 

“wait, miles what? you’re leaving? do you even know where you’re going?” 

“no, but i know that i’m needed y/n. i gotta go now like i have this feeling.” 

“wait so you’re skipping out on your dad’s celebration for a girl?”

“n- no! there’s something going on and i need to fix it” miles was starting to squirm eager to put on his suit and swing through the city.

“is there gonna be a day where you live for yourself? i understand that you’re spiderman and you help out the people, but you can’t be doing this constantly miles. you’re a highschool student and have so m-” 

“no, you don’t understand! no one understands! but there are people out there who will-”

“c’mon miles, don’t be like that. i know i don’t exactly understand because i was bitten by a spider or anything, but i’m trying to understand through you and being there for you!” the tone in your voice starts getting a bit higher.

“i just learned that there’s a way for me to see other people who are just like me! i need to go!”

“you know what miles? go. i’m trying so hard to be supportive but-”

“well you’re not. i don’t want to escalate this any farther. i’m going… bye y/n” before you could respond miles ran down the stairs leaving you with a lump in your throat. you didn’t want to start anything, you just wanted miles to try to get a piece of normality within his crazy spider life. 

sighing once more, you decided to sit on the ledge and look off into the distance wondering how you were gonna fix it between you two. 

[gnreadergames]

Weird Science

Egon Spengler x Named FTM!Male Oc

Content warnings: Some sexual tension leading into non-graphic sexual content, mostly sickeningly sweet shit, Egon’s a lil crazy, Alex likes em cooky, doctor kink?? Is that a thing? Idk, either way a PHD title is used in a way no one should use a PHD title. Unless they are freaks like me :3

A/N: Crawling out of my hole I’ve been in for *checks watch* like almost a year to bring you this. I have no excuses guys I just rewatched my favorite movie and wanted to fuck the science man again. Super self indulgent, also for my trans readers because I’ve noticed a lot of yall thirsting after this man are trans. Congratulations my niche little subjects, here’s some food.

Word count: 13,971. - Yes you read that right. I just really wanted to write some gooey porn about the science man okay?

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

Egon Spengler sat alone in the firehouse, surrounded by the various specimen he had collected from a bust and the various machines created to catch and contain ghosts. He had just finished running diagnostics on the Proton Packs, fixing a bug that Peter had showed him on his, and was in the process of cataloging and tagging some new samples he had collected on their last bust of a succubus in a hotel.

Alex was quiet about accessing the stairs. The door to the bottom always squeaked but he made sure to pull it open extra slowly this time, and somehow successfully managed to make it all the way up to the top of the 2nd floor completely silently. Egon was perched at the main table in the kitchen up top. Its circular surface was covered with bagged petri-dishes, spore samples, and various robotic gadgets he guessed were for ghost hunting. He deftly approached from behind.

Egon’s head was down, nose intently tucked into whatever journal he was writing in now as Alex tiptoed up behind him and every so suddenly crouched down beside him to ear level and said, in a level inside voice, ‘Whatcha’ up to Spengs’?”.

Egon startled. It was Alex. It was rare for anyone to just come up behind him at the firehouse, but given recent events, he wasn't really surprised. He put down his pen, looking to get a better look at Alex.

"Hm? Oh, just going over the findings from our last bust. And the latest samples. It's all pretty...standard stuff, really. Nothing worth getting excited about."

“Yeah? Thought molds spores and fungi were your type of fun, guy-“ Alex laughed a little at his own joke, hand brushing the back of the chair and inadvertently brushing ever so briefly against Egon’s bare neck. Alex blushed slightly and hoped Egon was too focused to have noticed as he took a seat next to him.

Egon glanced up from his notes. Despite Alex making his presence very obvious, Egon had been so engrossed in his work that he barely noticed. Now, he was caught, and clearly flustered.

"Right. It's not that this sort of stuff isn't interesting. It's just..." He paused, trying to come up with the right words. "It's less exciting than seeing ghosts, you know? There's much less danger to it."

Alex cocked his head, curious. ”So is that why you do it?” He asked.

He thought for a moment, considering how to answer this question.

"In a sense, I suppose. There is always the hope that when I'm out investigating, I might encounter something truly new. Something unexpected and unpredictable. Something that could turn the whole study of ghosts on its head. And believe me, it's been a long time since we've had a true breakthrough in ghost related research."

“Is it the danger or is it the superiority? The control?” Alex blurted out without really thinking. When he realized what he said and how odd of a question it was “I just mean…” he stammered, “Do you think you like the danger, or do you like being in control? Do you like feeling powerful over the ghosts? Do you like the chase and the win? Kinda like a game…” Alex mumbled off, blushing. He felt like he only further incriminated himself into his line of thinking.

Egon laughed quietly. Clearly he wasn't offended by the question, even if it was a rather strange one. He was also more than a little intrigued.

"There is certainly an element of control, I must admit. I do like to think that I know what I'm doing out there." He paused, still smiling. "But at the same time, I'm also just as much at the mercy of the ghosts. There's always a certain...risk that I think I enjoy."

“Hm. You work in interesting ways ‘Spengs…” Alex hummed thoughtfully. His posture became a little more relaxed as he rested forward, chin on his elbow watching Egon tag samples and hum along to a janky radio he had sitting on an adjacent counter of the kitchen.

"Doctor Spengler, if you don't mind," Egon corrected, his tone only half-joking.

He glanced back down at his notes, making a few more small adjustments before finally setting the pen down.

"So you just...came over here to bother me while I work?"

“Mostly. It is my favorite pastime as you know.” Alex smirked, almost cat-like. Egon rolled his eyes, he knew the gentle teasing Alex put him through.

“Also, Doctor Spengler? What am I, one of your patients? Or do you just get a kick out of making people call you that?” Alex teased again, this time dropping his voice a little in a lusty tone that made him laugh trying to get it out in one piece.

Egon smirked, rolling his eyes in return. Alex's teasing was one of the things he actually did kind of enjoy.

”The latter, if I'm being perfectly honest. Not that I'll ever admit it."

He crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair.

"But you have to admit, Doctor is a much nicer title than Mr. Or even Professor. That title's always been a little too pretentious for its own good," he continued to banter.

I like Mr. in…” Alex paused, looking pensively upwards, “certain contexts. Like if you were to get married. Mr. And Mrs. Or er, Mr. And Mr…” Alex said casually. He hadn’t formally come out to Egon but he knew Venkman’s little vermin hands had background checked him enough to know his dating preferences already and his gender. And to be fully honest, he liked Egon more than anybody else here, even if he’d only admit it under extreme duress, or maybe too much alcohol.

So he deserved to know.

Or maybe Alex was a little desperate to share practically anything about himself in hopes of getting closer to the other man.

Egon's eyebrow raised slightly, hearing this. Alex hadn't come out to him directly, but this felt pretty obvious. It wasn't an issue to Egon anyway, but he was curious to know now.

"Alex...are you telling me you're interested in...men?"

He cleared his throat, his tone a bit nervous. He wasn't sure how to react.

“Oh-“ Alex hadn’t expected Egon to ask him so directly. But then again, he never was one for taking hints. “Yeah, I am.”

His face was redder than usual and it was obvious Egon’s bluntness had caught him slightly off guard and flustered him.

“I hope that isn’t a problem with you. I really like…spending time with you Egon.” Alex said. He wanted to leave it vague, for now at least. He didn’t even know if Egon was into men, let alone if Egon considered him a friend let alone a potential romantic interest. He didn’t want to jump the guns too fast here.

Egon looked at him, taking a moment to collect his thoughts.

"Alex...I have no problem with it. I'm very happy to spend time with you as well. I just...wasn't expecting you to say that."

For a moment, he seemed like he was going to say something more. But he held back, thinking better of it, clearly not sure what to actually say right now.

"Just didn't have you pegged as one who...preferred men's company."

“Oh really?” Alex laughed, he could lighten the mood up a bit hopefully. “What did you have me pegged for then, ‘Spengs?” he asked, leaning forward on his elbows curiously.

Egon laughed quietly as well.

"Well, you seem like you'd have an eye for the ladies." He grinned, still in an obviously good-natured way. "If you're into guys, then you're not exactly...what I would call 'typically gay' looking."

“Well…thanks?” Alex laughed. “I’m into women too, so I guess I would be in the middle of whatever spectrum you’re thinking of.”

He crumpled up a loose straw wrapper from Egon’s ginger ale and started to flick it back and forth between his fingers, nervously.

Egon nodded. He didn't seem all that surprised by this; if anything he had always got the sense that Alex was at least a little bit bi-curious, given some of the conversations they'd had.

"Right. The ol' 'bisexual' thing." He joked.

Suddenly he looked at Alex again, with an expression of sudden realization.

"Wait. Wait a minute. Are you...are you saying..."

His eyes widened slightly.

“What? Not so blunt now Egon?” Alex questioned.

“Are you...hitting on me?”

Egon looked at him, and this time his tone seemed to be one of genuine curiosity, mixed with amusement.

“Who said anything about hitting on you? Just thought you should know.” Alex was very clearly red around the apples of his cheeks and ears. He was at least embarrassed, if not caught.

Egon felt something warm and vulnerable flutter underneath one of his ribs. He swallowed.

Alex was stubborn and obviously determined not to be caught this fast in this little game they had been playing, the roughly 3 weeks of back and forth bantering, the casual drink after work when everyone else had already left, and of course, decidedly ignoring whatever happened after the attack on New York when he saw Egon exit the building safely, if not covered in goo.

Even though he, and he’s pretty sure Egon too, both remember it, neither of them have brought it up in a serious manner.

Egon laughed quietly, shaking his head. He was surprised sure, but he certainly wasn't upset. If anything, the opposite.

They were alone together, no one to hear or see anything. No one to interrupt them. Egon took a deep breath.

"Okay. I'll be honest," he said, looking Alex directly in the eye. "If you were trying to get me to figure out you're interested in me, then that definitely did the trick."

Alex smiled. It was different from his usually sly cat-like grin. This time, it was a softer, less slick looking smile with some genuine warmth behind it.

“And why would somebody as astute as the doctor Egon Spengler care about such a thing?” Alex asked, feigning being coy.

Egon had to laugh at that, shaking his head. Alex was a lot of things, but one thing he most certainly was not was subtle.

"I care because..." he paused, his smile becoming a bit broader. Despite their teasing back and forth, he was suddenly being completely genuine.

"Actually, this is probably pretty obvious, but..." He let the rest go unsaid for a moment. He didn't know what he wanted to come next. If he actually wanted to stay casual, or if he wanted more.

Alex swallowed audibly with how quiet the room had gotten suddenly.

“Egon….do you….like me?” Alex asked softly. He felt like he was dreaming, like he would wake up at any moment and this would all have been some fevered imagination of a sickly brain, a brain obsessed with this gorgeous brainiac.

Egon's face was a shade of pink now...a very noticeable pink. He shifted in his seat, clearly a bit flustered.

"I..." he said quietly. "...yes." He raised his hands up slightly, as if trying to steady himself.

"I mean...if you're okay with what that means and all that...is it...alright if I'm honest with you?"

“Please” Alex begged, voice wavering. He wanted this so much he didn’t know how to ask with words. He had practiced this scenario a thousand times over in his head as he tried to fall asleep night after night and still, he didn’t know how to respond to this. “Be honest.”

Egon swallowed, trying to gather his thoughts and his breath.

"Okay...well...I...I don't think I could have made it through the last few months without you." His words came out in spurts, each sentence broken up by pauses as he lost himself in his thoughts.

"There's always been something about you. Something I've found...really irresistible. Your mind, your energy...your...your...ahem...your...um...your...looks" He smirked softly as he finished that last sentence.

Alex flushed bright red.

Up until 10 minutes ago he had doubts the doctor even had the capabilities to be attracted to anybody, much less a man, and to hear that he had potentially been being discreetly checked out around the office made a slight sweat break out under his collared shirt and tie.

Not that he hadn’t been doing the same thing to Egon a few times when he worked… who can blame him? He flushed even harder thinking about one specific time and broke eye contact, embarrassed.

Egon couldn't help but chuckle at this. He could tell that he'd caught a very sensitive nerve. A grin spread across his face as he shook his head, still laughing a bit.

"God you're cute when you get like this," Egon said, almost teasingly.

His tone became more serious again, as he leaned forward a bit closer towards Alex.

"Can I ask you something?"

“Y-“ Alex had to swallow, mouth suddenly becoming dry as Egon leaned ever closer. “Yeah.” His eyes couldn’t look anywhere by Egon now, and he was sure his face was visibly red by now if it wasn’t before.

Egon took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to say.

"Before, you said you hadn't formally told me...about...your preferences. Was there a specific reason for this? Because I'd like to know if..."

He stopped there, looking into Alex's warm brown eyes. He took another deep breath.

"Was it because you weren't sure about my preferences?"

Alex caught a nervous laugh. He didn’t want Egon to think he was laughing at him, he was just so relieved they might possibly be on the same page and that this wasn’t another time Alex would be head over heels for another guy that would leave him the first chance he got a hotter woman to look at him.

“Yeah…I was just… curious is all.” Alex looked down at the floor, nervous and a bit embarrassed to be that easy to read. “Took you long enough…I think the others were starting to think I was just weird.”

Egon smirked, letting out an amused sigh.

"Well, they're not necessarily...wrong about that." He said, teasingly as always. But it was clear that he didn't mean it in an offensive way.

When Alex said he was curious, Egon understood. He had always wondered why Alex had never talked much about personal subjects like that. He was starting to see why now.

"Right. Well, I think it's my turn to be honest, yeah?"

“I think it is, doctor.” Alex teased back. Now that he knew Egon liked using that little word he was going to be sure to make it difficult. Especially if this conversation was going the way he thought it was.

Egon grinned, playing along for now.

"Okay. My turn to be honest, then."

He looked at Alex, his expression more serious again.

"I'm still confused on one thing, though. Can I ask you a personal question?"

”Go ahead” Alex said. He supposed he could be honest about it all now since he’d been pretty much found out.

Egon breathed. "Alright. I can't help but notice that after every time we have a bust, something happens between us...how do I say this? More than before. Have you ever...noticed that too?”

Egon paused to take a deep breath, still holding his eye contact. This was the moment of truth. He'd known that for some time now, the two of them were beginning to develop feelings for each other. But he'd held back, not wanting to push it too fast. But now he couldn't hold back anymore. He needed to know if Alex had noticed too.

”I’ve…” Alex had to choose his words carefully. “I’ve noticed it too. When I started working here last year…” Alex shifted nervously and then suddenly became more serious, sitting up and placing his hands on the table. “When I started working here last year I didn’t think much about it. It was supposed to just be a stepping stone to bigger things, being the Ghostbusters official PR manager is nothing to sneeze at and I thought if I just hung out here long enough I could get a job somewhere on Wall Street, bigger things, better pay…” Alex swallowed. “But then I started to like hanging out with you guys. And then we became friends, and suddenly it became a lot harder to see it as just a job. And then after…well to be honest right before the New York attack, that night you walked me home after we were the last two here, I think I sort of thought about you differently than the rest of them.”

Alex didn’t know how to explain it, it was difficult putting it into words. “I think I realized I cared about you more. In a different way I mean. Sure I’m friends with Venkmen and Stanz and Zeddemore, but I didn’t see you like I saw them. I wanted to get to know you more, I knew it when I said goodnight to you and it was snowing on my doorstep. And you smiled at me. I think I knew then. And then of course right after that big attack happened and I thought for sure you were dead, we had no clue how anything was going to play out and I just remembered feeling like I could die of happiness seeing you walk out of that building, and…I guess before I knew it I was already moving to you. I don’t really know why I hugged you, I was just…glad you were okay. I was glad I hadn’t missed my chance with you, I guess. I hadn’t realized how special you were to me.”

Egon's eyes were locked on Alex's every breath, every word. It was like he was seeing him in an entirely different light right now. They'd flirted and teased back and forth before, but everything here sounded so much more genuine and sincere. Like they weren't even playing a game anymore, they were being very real with each other. It was a beautiful thing.

Egon swallowed, his heart pounding inside his chest. He felt like...like this was it.

"Can I be honest with you about something, too?"

“Anything.” Alex breathed. He felt like he was going to explode admitting all of that.

Egon swallowed, his heart pounding even faster. Just like Alex he was ready to explode. But he had to get this off his chest. Now that they'd started, he couldn't think of a reason to stop.

"I've never...I've never felt the way about anyone before the way that I feel about you. I didn't even realize it at first but I've been..." He couldn't believe he was saying all this. "...I've been thinking about you a lot. Too damn much of the time, actually."

Alex smiled, giddy and carefree. He felt a little dizzy with nerves.

“Really?” He breathed, excitedly. “I’m so glad. I can’t stop thinking about you, I felt like I was going crazy. I think even Venkman picked up on it this past month when you went on that blind date Stanz set you up on.”

Egon chuckled, a wide grin on his face.

"Yeah...can't say it was a successful date."

He thought back to the disaster of a date he'd been set up with a few weeks ago. It was pretty damn clear to even Venkman. So maybe they were a little more transparent than they should have been with their feelings of late towards their friend’s attempts to set them up with other people.

"I feel stupid for letting it take this long to acknowledge any of this."

“Maybe we’re both stupid.” Alex thought, dumbly. But he couldn’t let anything dampen his mood right now. He felt like he was floating, almost drunk with happiness.

“So Mr. Scientist,” he said, balancing his chin on his hand and reaching an index finger to fiddle around with the lid of an empty Petri dish in front of him, “tell me about what you think about me. What’s been on that big brain of yours?” He purred.

Egon felt his heart skip a beat when Alex started flirting with him. He wasn't used to it, but he really liked it. What he liked even more was the idea that someone as brilliant and attractive as Alex thought this way about him.

Egon chuckled, his lips curling up into a smirk. "You want me to be honest about what I think about you?"

“Honesty is the best policy” Alex nodded, intrigued.

"Yeah...yeah it definitely is." Egon leaned forward, his gaze even more intense than before.

"I think you're absolutely brilliant. Not just in terms of your science...but your mind itself. That sharp, witty mind of yours is such a...turn on." His smirk became a bit more mischievous as he spoke. "I love it when you try to outwit a person in conversation, when you get all riled up and competitive.... I love even more that I've never seen you lose."

“You have such a way with your stupid words.” Alex giggled. He was sure he was making a fool of himself but he couldn’t believe somebody like the Egon Spengler found him attractive. He could count on one hand the times he’d been this lucky in his entire life.

“You really know how to flatter a guy,” Alex admitted, tracing the rim of the Petri dish with the same finger absentmindedly.

Egon smiled, chuckling at that, but not denying the accuracy.

"I wasn't kidding when I said your mind turns me on."

He leaned in even closer, his gaze burning into Alex's. He looked at the way Alex was tracing the rim of his empty petri dish and had an idea.

"I have a suggestion..."

“Shoot.” Alex said, sharpening the ‘T’ sound, almost bitingly.

Egon swallowed, almost nervous looking. But he thought this would be the perfect way to test the waters, to see just how interested Alex really was before he took it a step further.

"Close your eyes..."

“Okay.” Alex said, cautiously but trusting. He knew Egon wouldn’t hurt him and if anything, not knowing what was coming next and being completely at the will of the other man kind of made him feel safe. It was nice. It made his heart race a little.

He shut his eyes gently, waiting.

Egon smirked, enjoying the game he was playing. He stood up, and slowly started moving behind Alex, his movements very subtle and patient. When he got behind him, he took the same index finger that Alex had been tracing the edge of the Petri dish with and ran it softly, delicately over the back of Alex's neck, sliding it into his hair and slowly running it through.

Alex shivered at the touch.

Christ.

Okay.

He hadn’t been expecting this. Egon wasn’t a touchy person, not even in the throes of victory, so this was new, and honestly thrilling for Alex.

“Egon…” Alex practically purred, keening towards the touch. He liked it. He liked it a lot.

Egon smiled, pleased with the way Alex reacted to it. He decided to go a step further, and slowly, still using only his one index finger, started stroking Alex's hair down his neck, and eventually down his shoulders as he continued to trace a line down Alex's back.

Alex shivered and twitched with every vertebrae that Egon ran his finger past.

“This another one of your experiments, doctor?” Alex teased with a voice lower and slower than normal, but this time the air was thicker with something unspoken and unseen. But it could be very, very felt. Distantly, Alex was glad everyone else had taken this Saturday off.

Egon smirked. He loved that he was making Alex squirm, that he was clearly enjoying this so much. Alex's lower and slower voice made his chest tremble with a mix of emotion. A mix of excitement and fear. He was enjoying this, this flirtatious back and forth, but now he was feeling more daring…

"No experiment...this is something...much more personal."

“And what exactly are you testing here?” Alex asked. He still hadn’t opened his eyes yet, but now he thought he couldn’t bear not being able to see Egon for a second longer. He opened his eyes, and titled his head slightly back and was met with an angled view of his affections.

His heart skipped a beat. He wasn’t expecting Egon to look anything less than well…perfect. But this was new. Egon’s once soft brown eyes looked almost black with how dilated his pupils were, and his olive completion was a richer red tone around his face and ears. He may be more cognitively in control of the situation, but it was good to see that he was just as affected by Alex as he was by Egon.

Egon smirked and stepped even closer, their mouths finally just inches away from one another. He watched as the corners of Alex's lips quivered ever so slightly, and he couldn't help but feel a wave of joy sweep over him.

"My test..." Egon's voice was lower, and more seductive than ever. "...is to see exactly how far I can push it before you can't take it anymore."

As he spoke, he leaned just a tiny bit closer. Their lips were almost touching…

“Egon,” Alex’s voice was barely a whisper but it somehow only came out as a strung out whimper. He titled his head back ever so slightly more and he felt Egon’s breath hot on his lips.

Alex would beg for mercy if he had to. He just wanted Egon. He was so happy he could cry. His entire body felt like it was vibrating with how wired and nervous he was.

Egon knew at this point he couldn't hold back anymore. It was obvious he was just as nervous as Alex was. And in this intense moment, he needed to let him know that. His hands fell to Alex's shoulders and he pulled him even closer, so their chests were pressing sharply up against one another.

Egon's voice was lower than the lowest, as he began to whisper right back.

"God do you know how badly I want you, right now? What I would do to you if I could right this second?"

Alex’s head spun. Who was this? His Egon was quiet and professional, but he couldn’t deny that he hadn’t thought of this side of Egon, better said, dreamed of Egon having a side like this. He knew Egon was a man of control, and rules, but he also knew Egon, like every man, had buttons.

And buttons, could be pressed.

“We’re alone for the day.” Alex reminded. Egon was so close their foreheads were pressed together. Eyes locked.

Egon froze at that, the only sound in the room was their heavy breathing. He felt Alex's body pressed up against him, his heart pounding in his ears. His lips were mere centimeters apart, now. And he was suddenly hit with a wave of...nerve? Fear? Excitement?

Finally, Egon's mind won the war within.

"God damn it, it's taking every ounce of self control I have right now not to just start ripping you apart with my teeth..." he said, eyes darker than before.

Oh.

A little crazy.

Alex could work with a little crazy.

“Please-” let it never be said that Alex was above begging, because he wasn’t. Especially not for Egon. He would beg for Egon to call him worthless and pathetic. He would beg for Egon to spit on him. Egon being nice to him? Practically as strong as cocaine straight to the brain.

Alex leaned forward and clumsily brushed his lips against Egon’s for a mere second before pulling back, mouth slightly open, eyes lidded. He wanted Egon to want this as much as him. He wanted Egon to want him.

Egon stared into Alex's eyes, his heart racing a thousand miles a minute. Just seeing Alex's lips meet his, even for just one brief contact, sent a jolt of pure euphoria through his entire body. He'd never realized just how much he'd wanted this...how much he'd wanted Alex, until this very moment.

Finally, he did it. Before he had a chance to second guess his actions, Egon let his instincts take over. He leaned forward and pulled Alex back into him with one firm and quick motion. He then proceeded to take over this kiss…

Alex gasped into the kiss. He wasn’t expecting Egon to be this rough, but he guessed there was a certain aspect of desperation on both of their ends. Egon felt like he was devouring him. Alex’s knees felt like they were going to buckle, and he was lowering slowly, slowly, with pathetic little noises as Egon kissed the breath out of him.

He broke for a second, as Egon leaned over him, pushing his back into the chair, legs straddling it weakly. “Eg-“ he gasped as Egon went in for another kiss, just as hungry as the last. Alex broke away again, more determinedly “I’ve wanted this for so long. So, so, long…” his legs still weak, he leaned into Egon’s chest and arms, holding him.

Egon was in almost as much of a stupor as Alex, that little bit he'd tasted of him before had sent his heart soaring to new heights. His whole body felt alive, every single nerve. He couldn't believe how much he had wanted this, how badly he'd want to take it even further. But right now, was just the two of them, alone, the downstairs door locked.

As Alex spoke, Egon squeezed him harder by instinct alone. It was only making him yearn for much, much more…

“How long?” Alex asked between kisses. His right knee gave out and he felt Egon pull away. He made a weak noise of protest as Egon’s body pulled from his, until he realized he was being pulled with it and spun around. Suddenly, he found himself being picked up by the hips and sat gingerly and quickly onto the edge of the table, legs straddled and Egon standing in between. He kissed Alex again, tongue slipping into his mouth. He obviously didn’t seem content with the position though, too far, as he broke apart again soon after to grab Alex’s hips and yank him toward Egon’s standing ones, legs locking behind his back.

“Since when?” Alex asked again. “When did you know?” He felt drunk as Egon moved to kiss his jawline.

Egon smirked when he realized what Alex was actually asking him. To have someone this sharp, this witty being so...weak in your hands was an incredibly intoxicating experience. But the time to pick was over, now was all about play.

"God I don't know...it's been a while." Egon moved back in to capture Alex's mouth once again, holding onto his hips for dear life. "Since I started to want to see the sides of you that weren't professional, that weren't strictly business...I wanted to see exactly how human you could be."

“I’ve wanted you since that day in January. The one where we had the poltergeist in the-ah!” Alex winced as Egon moved to his neck and bit at a sensitive spot just under his ear, soft tender flesh. “S-since, that day- when- when you came back to the lab in your- your lab clothes all-” Alex’s left hand, the stronger of the two, came up to grasp at the dress shirt stretched over Egon’s back, “and th-they were all singed and dusty, and you were covered in- mmhp- sweat, and you didn’t even look at me when you-you” Egon kissed Alex to shut him up briefly, and for a moment there was nothing but the noise of soft, labored breathing and the creaking of the wooden table as they pressed against one another, but eventually Egon let him go in favor of biting at his neck again. “You- you didn’t even look at me, just rolled, rolled up your sleeves and went to work in your lab. All serious, brow furrowed, covered in grime but still wanting to get data while- ah- it’s fresh-“ Alex smiled remembering it. He still felt fuzzy and the memory was still fresh. “You’re incredibly toned for a scientist did- did you know that?” Alex asked in a breathy voice. “You have a great- great body.”

Egon huffed a laugh against his neck.

Egon couldn't help but feel his ego inflate and his cheek turn red from Alex's compliment. He'd never considered just how toned his body was, especially with his lack of exercise and all his nerdy, intellectual pursuits. As Alex rambled on, Egon couldn't help but get more turned on.

He smirked as he bit down on Alex's neck again and felt his lips twitch against it, as if Alex was moaning.

"I think you might be the first person in a while who's actually taken the time to notice..."

“How could I not?” Alex asked. Egon had momentarily paused his nipping and chewing to lift his head and look up at Alex. His big, dark eyes were even darker than usual and it was hard to see where his pupil and iris even separated.

He looked, almost animal with it.

Alex had never seen a not very methodically, almost scientifically, controlled side of Egon. This made some part of Alex’s hindbrain flicker with a warmth he had only felt on lonely nights he spent fantasizing with his own hand and brain.

Egon smirked and tilted his head up as he looked at Alex's face, that perfect, beautiful, wonderful face that had eluded him and teased him for so long. He just couldn't get enough. Every part of his body was tingling with pleasure and desire. He wanted nothing more than to take Alex right here and right now.

"You look beautiful." Egon said it sincerely, truly believing every word of it. But then he leaned up and whispered, his voice a mischievous and enticing husk. "I'm going to make you even more beautiful..."

Alex complied limply. Whatever Egon wanted. Alex felt himself slipping quietly under into that mindset he loved so much. He didn’t need control. He trusted Egon. Whatever he wanted. He knew best. He wanted to make him proud. He wanted to do whatever would make Egon happy.

Alex reached his neck desperately towards Egon and caught one last desperate kiss with a small sound before he finally gave in and let Egon do whatever he wished.

As he watched Alex willingly yield to him, Egon couldn't help but smirk. The look on his face was just as he pictured: submissive, trusting, almost worshiping. He couldn't wait to push the limits of this power and see just how desperate his new lab assistant and lover was.

So Egon did just that, pushing Alex's shirt up and kissing his collarbone, slowly making his way up to his neck again. He bit and nibbled at his collar bone, all while rubbing his hands along Alex's back and hips.

“Ah!” Alex gasped. He was particularly sensitive on his hips, and once Egon knew, he used it devilishly. His thumb ran a steady back and forth rhythm over a ridge in his V-line, making Alex shiver. Another hand curled possessively over Alex’s back and made him preen with a particularly fiery feeling in his chest. Alex continued making weak and steady noises as Egon worked over his collarbone, biting and kissing everywhere he could reach, hands moving to grasp the skin he couldn’t cover with his mouth.

The power and the control that he was asserting over Alex was making Egon feel like he was in some kind of haze, like he was just floating around in a sea of bliss, a euphoric dream that he didn't want to ever end.

The way Alex reacted to his touch made his own heart skip a beat, hearing him make those soft little sounds as he nibbled just so slightly harder on his neck and collarbone. It was pushing all his buttons, making him want so much more…

“Please-” Alex begged, not entirely sure what exactly he was begging for. Whatever Egon would give him. Whatever Egon thought he deserved. Alex’s hands, at one point limp around Egon’s waist, now were clenched tightly into his shirt and his hair, respectively, as Alex’s body curled into Egon’s.

Egon shivered again as he heard Alex beg him, heard him pleading for more.

This was exactly what he had been dreaming of. A completely submissive Alex, one who would let Egon take control completely, one who would gladly turn over every inch of his body to Egon for...for whatever Egon wanted.

It was such a turn on that Egon couldn't even form whole sentences, his thoughts were getting the best of him and his body was ready to take...no, to take control.

“Whatever you want.” Alex wanted more. Whatever Egon would give him. He laid flat on the table as Egon pulled away and surveyed him quickly, eyes flitting across his body as a whole, flushed, shirt pushed up, hands clutching feverishly at the flat table finding nothing to grab on to.

Egon smirked, loving the look of desperation on Alex's face, knowing that he was completely and utterly at his mercy now. And as Egon looked over him, his eyes trailing up and down his body, it was like Alex's features became bolder, brighter, more handsome. He looked like a perfect specimen to him, to the point where Egon almost couldn't take his eyes off of him.

"I'm going to make your day today..."

“What are you going to do?” Alex asked, although he really didn’t need to know. He was okay with whatever. As long as Egon was happy with him, he’d do it.

Egon brushed a hand along the side of Alex’s stomach and Alex made a little hurt, punched out noise from his gut and curled into the touch, but it was gone almost as fast as it appeared.

"Just...just close your eyes for me and stay still for a minute." Egon's voice was heavy, and slightly out of breath. He was almost desperate himself, he needed this just as much as Alex, and he was willing to do whatever it took to make Alex want him and love him for the rest of his life.

Alex could almost physically feel Egon's desire in the air, his need for more, seeping off from him as it grew with every passing second. Egon's body was trembling, his breath quick and shallow.

”Okay…” Alex swallowed for the first time in a while, finding his mouth dry but his lips slick with spit. He felt slightly debauched, but he preened at the knowledge that it was Egon who made him this way. Only for Egon.

He sat patiently and waited for whatever Egon had next.

Egon watched as Alex closed his eyes, watching him with baited breath and a deep seated hunger his lips were practically quivering with desire. And as he watched, the hunger inside him only grew more intense.

Quickly, his hands traced along the top of Alex's body, down his sides, all the way down to his thighs, caressing and teasing his body, making sure there wasn't a single inch missed.

Alex whimpered. He felt crazed. Egon’s hands felt so large and warm, almost feverish. Everywhere he touched felt like it was melting. Alex was practically drunk off the feeling as he squirmed with every new press into tender flesh that Egon figured out could make him writhe.

Just the sound of Alex's squirms was enough for Egon to get worked up even more, each touch and each squeeze of his body had him trembling with desire, his body quivering with excitement, ready to explode out in a fit of sheer pleasure.

Egon's hands moved faster, his touches more firm. He was determined to tease every last ounce of sound out of him that he could.

“Please, enough teasing!” Alex begged. He was almost crying now. His heart has been racing this entire time. He still had one more secret to tell Egon and the longer the foreplay went on, the more nervous he got about telling him.

Hearing that voice break out in tears in response to his touches only sparked more hunger in Egon's chest, but when he heard the pleading come from Alex's mouth, that was enough to cause the last pieces of resistance to crumble. He had to. No more teasing, no more playing, this was the real deal. He needed him now.

"All right, yes, I will, just...just let me-" Egon said, but his words were cut short by his own mouth coming down hard against Alex's.

Alex moaned loudly. Perhaps the loudest one yet as Egon’s hands grabbed his hips and seared him against his pelvis firm. He could feel…a certain hardness against his leg as Egon’s tongue explored his mouth and practically stole his oxygen away.

Egon groaned into the kiss, the sound rumbling up from deep in his chest. He couldn't hold himself back much longer now, the only thing on his mind was getting more. More of this perfect body, more of the sound of his pleas and whimpers.

Egon's hand moved downwards, squeezing firmly and squeezing Alex tighter against him. It was all he could do to keep himself from pushing him down and taking what he wanted right then and there.

As Egon’s hand moved downward, Alex’s hand suddenly shot out and grabbed his wrist in a moment of blind panic and clarity. It shocked Alex as much as it did Egon and for a moment they both simply stared at one another, panting, flushed.

“Egon…Eg-I’m…” Alex started, trying to word something but seemingly choking on it. “I need to tell you something before…before we do anything else.” Alex’s heart was in his throat. He thought he wouldn’t even get past the admission of him being bisexual, he didn’t know how to breech this. “Egon…I’m transgender.” Alex swallowed, throat tight with want as much as it was with fear.

Egon froze, hand still in mid air when he heard the words coming out of Alex's mouth. His breathing stopped, his heart beating out of his chest, it was a miracle that he didn't fall off of the table he was sitting on. Egon just stared, his mind whirring a million miles a second, trying to process what Alex had just told him.

All movement stopped.

God.

God.

He’d ruined it.

Ruined it.

Alex’s face burned with embarrassment. He knew Egon wouldn’t want him after this. He just thought…he doesn’t know what he thought…that in some miracle Egon would accept him?

His face burns with more than embarrassment, with shame.

He gets ready for Egon to push off and potentially even hit him. For baiting him. For being…a freak.

"Say that again."

It wasn't the reply Alex expected. It wasn't words that expressed disgust or anger or shame, but something deeper- something that spoke volumes to the depth of his emotions for him. Egon was breathless, his mind a million miles a second, but the intensity of the words in his throat were only getting stronger. He needed to hear it one more time to make sure he wasn't just hearing things.

Alex swallowed.

“I’m…I’m transgender.” He said, voice barely above a whisper.

His hand gripped the table’s edge, he could reach it from where Egon had pulled him closer to his hips. He was sweating, both from being hot, so so hot, pressed up against Egon, but also from nerves and anxiety chewing at his gut.

Egon's stomach flipped, his heart racing as blood rushed to every inch of his body. His mind was completely overwhelmed by the news he was just told, and he felt the heat and the intensity growing inside him again. But this time it was mixed with something new, with a hunger that he's never experienced before.

"Just one question..." Egon asked, his voice thick and heavy with desire and love. His body was trembling with need now, his heart ready to explode into sparks and flames.

”Yeah?” Alex whimpered.

Egon reached forward, grabbing Alex's wrist, pulling him closer, almost into a hug so he could whisper something in his ear.

"Are you a man?"

”Yes” Alex squeezed his eyes shut and whispered. Egon was so close.

"That's all I care about."

Egon's breath was so hot and heavy as he spoke, it felt like his words were igniting the room. He finally let go of Alex's wrist, his body trembling uncontrollably as all the desire he felt before seemed to have reached its peak. He was ready to take him, to mold him into whatever shape he found most desirable.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Alex felt like he was going to pass out. Or die. Maybe both.

His head was practically spinning. Egon’s hands grabbed his hips harder and slid down, brushing the waistband of his pants slightly further, exposing his hips and the beginning of a small happy trail.

He could cry.

He was so happy.

He was crying he realized. Tears slipped from his eyes as Egon began biting at his collarbone again.

Egon was like a heat seeking missile, his mouth, his lips, his teeth moving to whatever place he could find that would generate the most response out of Alex. He couldn't get enough of him, his lips trailing down his neck, down to his shoulders, his hand caressing his hips as he slowly pulled him even closer so he could bite, and bite, and scratch, and maul, and love every inch of him like he was a starving animal after the meal that had been denied him for months on end.

”Egon-“ Alex whimpered. His hands clawed at the thin fabric stretched over Egon’s back. He had money to afford the expensive thick type, Alex knew exactly what he was getting paid, but he also knew Egon preferred practical. Something he loved about him. He wasn’t afraid to come back to the lab dripping in ectoplasm or singed with soot.

In fact, maybe now Alex would finally have an excuse to get all those ruined cheap shirts off him.

Alex kissed at Egon’s mouth when he could. Brief, wet, desperate kisses.

Egon's mind was filled with nothing but Alex now, the sweet sound of his cries, the feel of his fingernails digging into his back, the way his body fit so neatly against his own....he couldn't go back, he didn't want to, he didn't intend on letting go of him until he finally saw him broken, broken and his, his alone.

Egon's desire continued to grow with every passing second, his breath getting heavier, his movements becoming more aggressive. He needed more.

“Whatever you want. Do whatever- I Just- ah - I need more” Alex pleaded. He knew it was pathetic. Begging to be taken, especially by someone he admired so much. He wanted Egon to think he was an equal, someone to be taken seriously. Not just some…whore. Something cheap to be broken.

But…maybe…just maybe…

He would like to be Egon’s anything.

He could be Egon’s plaything if he wanted. He’d bend.

He’s submit. He’d even let Egon break him, as long as he put him back together at the end.

And he would.

Because he knew Egon.

He trusted Egon.

So…

“More” he begged.

Egon's mind was just pure adrenaline now, thoughts coming one after another like a machine gun firing. Thoughts of him, of how he made this boy want him so desperately, how he trusted him so much that he'd let him do anything, even let him break him...it was everything he'd ever dreamed of and now that it was actually a reality it was all he could think about.

Egon's hands slid down to his back, gripping him harder, pulling him closer as his breath got heavier and heavier…

Alex bucked his hips against Egon, and the sweet friction that was there for less than a second lit a spark in his mind. He felt like goo. He was a specimen. All for Egon.

Now that he thought about it…he wouldn’t mind being examined like a subject. Put on display for the doctor.

Alex shivered at the thought.

“I really-really want you” Alex breathed, clutching at him.

Egon's movements slowed down as he saw how much he was affecting Alex now, how his actions were making the man absolutely tremble with desire and need. He savored the feeling, enjoying the feeling of his own dominance and the power it gave him. He could make Alex do anything, make him do anything he wanted…

"I want you bad..." Egon breathed, his voice heavy and thick with need as his mouth came down to Alex's neck, kissing and nipping along the way. Egon was trembling all over now.

”Then do something about it,” Alex bit, and leaned back baring his neck to Egon who bit it with a feverish intensity.

Egon moaned, the sound echoing in his ears as he bit and nicked along the sensitive areas on Alex's neck.

"What do you think I'm doing right now?"

Egon's grip on him had begun to loosen, but it was only so he could move one of his hands around to push Alex's hips forward and make him buck even harder against him.

“AH!” Alex jumped as one of Egon’s hands slid down his back and into the back of his pants. It cupped flesh, squeezing. Alex rocked against the touch, his front brushing against Egon’s feeling just how excited he was by this.

“I want more though…” Alex pawed at Egon’s neatly tucked shirt, finally managing to ruck the back up enough to grab skin just on the small of his back. He tried to pull him closer. “There are beds just a few rooms away you know…” Alex bit at Egon’s ear and got an almost growl-like sound in response.

Egon's mouth left his neck as he heard his ear being nipped on, making his grip on him tight again. He'd been thinking the same thing, the pull of their bodies together was too much to pass up.

"You know what? You're right..." Egon murmured, the only sound the deep breathing of the both of them as Egon began to push Alex towards the beds, eager for the chance to give him everything he wanted.

Alex stumbled blindly, stupidly, towards the bunk room. He knew which bed was Egon’s, and was suddenly thankful for the twin size, as it meant they would have to be as close as possible.

“Egon…” Alex breathed as he stumbled backwards onto the bed, Egon’s hands cupping his jaw. Alex begun to work on pulling the front of Egon’s shirt out of his slacks.

Egon's heart was pounding in his chest, the sound just loud and heavy in his head as he watched Alex start to pull down his shirt. His mouth was dry as all of the blood had rushed to his lower half at this point, making his entire body feel hot all over. He was practically shaking with every touch of Alex's hands as he held himself back at the moment. He could let himself go later, he had to wait just a few more seconds…

”Can I?” Alex asked, practically doe eyed as he looked up at Egon, flushed with lips wet with spit.

His hands fumbled with the zipper of Egon’s pants and the buckle of his belt. This was the only time he cursed how perfectly dressed Egon was. It got in his way of what he really wanted right now.

"Oh... oh yes.”

Egon's entire body was trembling in anticipation, his entire being was just craving for anything he could get from Alex and now to think that he was going to let him take off his pants to get to him....he was not going to last long if this continued.

Alex deftly and quickly undid Egon’s belt and zipper with a speed that told Egon he had done this before, and a primal, stupid part of Egon’s brain flared with jealousy. He wanted to kill whoever taught Alex that. Alex was his.

Alex yanked Egon’s slacks down and his briefs along with it. Quickly, he nosed along the V of Egon’s hips with the ferocity of a starved animal. He licked and kissed anywhere he could get his mouth to.

Egon couldn't stop the guttural sound of pleasure that came from his mouth, his legs wobbling with every touch of Alex's tongue and mouth. His breath was heavy and sharp, his body trembling with the intense desire now coursing through him.

Alex’s hands moved to cover whatever he couldn’t get with his mouth. He wanted this to be good for Egon. He wanted to be good for Egon. He made sure to keep his teeth out of the way, using his tongue mostly. He was still shy, new at this despite the fever with which he undressed Egon.

Suddenly, he felt a heavy pressure on the back of his head.

Egon’s hand.

Egon shoved ever so lightly, forcing Alex to go lower. He had to breathe through his nose now, which was new. His eyes watered up again, threatening to spill.

He liked this Egon though. This new, dominant, side. He liked the pressure of his hand, he liked being told what to do.

Egon's breathing was hot and heavy as he pushed Alex lower to him, his breath rushing out of his mouth with a guttural hiss as he pushed him lower and lower and lower. He needed what Alex was giving him now more than anything he had felt before. He wanted it, needed it, his entire body was trembling in a mixture of anticipation and pleasure, he was close, and he was close very very quickly.

Alex could feel Egon tensing up. He didn’t want this to end so soon but he didn’t know whether or not Egon wanted to go…that far with him.

Egon’s hand released up on his head slightly. Gently, the same hand came to brush sweaty hair behind Alex’s ear.

Egon was hot in Alex’s mouth. Like melting velvet. Alex could stay here forever, warm and fuzzy, doing whatever Egon says. Whatever makes him make the sounds he’s making now.

"Stop..." Egon breathed, his voice was thick and heavy as it was hard for him to get the words out. He was too close now, he needed to keep control of himself for just a little longer, to hold back a bit before he blew this early.

"Look at me." Egon hissed through his teeth as he grabbed Alex's hair and pulled him back up to his face like a demanding master grabbing his pet's leash.

Alex almost choked, pulling quickly off of Egon. His hands were strong, and huge compared to Alex’s face. It was a pretty picture for Egon. A flushed and hazed Alex, back arched, shirt ruffled and pushed up, midriff showing.

“Egon-“ Alex’s voice was hoarse. There was still spit connecting him to Egon.

Alex’s hands drifted to Egon’s thighs. He felt bad, he’d have to wash these slacks for Egon later. He was pretty sure he was going to have to wash this entire bed later.

"Put your hair back" Egon demanded, using all his strength to keep himself from grabbing Alex and pulling him back down for more.

He couldn't see anything else right now other than Alex. He wanted him. He needed him to be his.

Alex’s hair was short so he simply tucked it behind his ear. He blinked up at Egon and got the cue as Egon began tearing at the buttons of Alex’s shirt.

“Ah!-“ Alex tried to protest his shirt being destroyed but Egon simply kissed him and pushed him further up the bed towards his pillows.

“I’ll buy you a new one-“ Egon mended as he pulled the scrap off of Alex’s back and began working to undo his pants, still almost fully dressed himself.

Egon was now barely thinking, he'd let his desire take absolute control of him. He was practically ripping off Alex's pants out of the pure desire to be able to see more of his body. It was almost animalistic the way he was moving now, he couldn't even see straight. All he knew was that it was time to take Alex as his own, to possess him completely.

“Please-“ Alex coughed as he broke away from Egon to paw weakly at his pants, slug around his hips.

Egon kissed him animalistically.

”Baby,” Alex whined. The blood rushed straight to Egon’s lower half.

"Please what?" Egon said, his hands moving to pin down Alex's hands, taking charge of the situation now. He knew a guy like this didn't want to be in charge. The way Alex had been acting so shyly earlier, the way he'd begged Egon to take control made it clear he was just too…overwhelmed to have any kind of power in this situation. Egon let his mouth roam over his neck, gently scratching and biting wherever he thought would get a reaction out of him.

Alex’s breath was coming in shallow puffs now. His eyes rolled back in his head as Egon continued to make dark marks around his neck. He wouldn’t be able to cover them, they’d know. They’d know he was Egon’s.

“Please- doctor!” Alex begged. Egon’s hand roamed up Alex’s lower half, now completely open to him.

Egon stopped, his hands drifting down to his hips again to grip them. He liked how Alex's eyes rolled back into his head as he called him doctor. It made his heart beat to think that Alex would want him to be his doctor, even if it was just for this moment, because that was exactly the title he wanted right now. He wanted to do experiments on him, to see the inside of him, to break him down into all of his pieces, then putting him together again like a puzzle to make him exactly what he needed.

“Take me…” Alex swallowed, mouth dry, “Take me apart…” He finally managed to pull his lovers pants completely off and his shirt as well, leaving him in the same state as Alex.

He was glad the fire house was warm. Hot, even.

Maybe that was just them two.

Egon's entire body shivered at that one sentence. It was as though he could feel the heat radiate off of his own body, his heart beating so quickly that it almost hurt him.

This boy, Alex, he was exactly what Egon needed. Maybe not just for a few nights, but for forever.

"Then I will take you apart..." Egon said, it was almost a threat. No one else was getting him, he was his.

“Please,” Alex kissed Egon as he felt him move. This position was similar to the table, except now Egon towered even more-so over him.

They hadn’t grabbed any sort of…help…for this. It was just them. Bare. Alex hoped Egon was fine with that. He was on the pill after all.

“I want you-“ Egon kissed Alex to shut him up and moved. He felt hot. Much hotter than anything or anybody Alex had been with before. And his body was, larger. He covered Alex’s whole chest, and he could feel one of Egon’s hands tracing one of his top surgery scars.

Egon shivered again, his body shaking with both the desire he was feeling and the thought that there was nothing to stop them from going all the way, no condoms or contraception, nothing at all. He wanted to take Alex and to make him his, on every level.

Alex's scars were just a bonus to him, something he liked to see on another's body as it told more about who they were. He would always appreciate the scars Alex got, because it made him know Alex even more.

“I don’t need…prep,” Alex breathed. He flushed with the admission but it was true. He watched as the realization suck into Egon’s face and he grinned, devilish.

“Yeah?” Egon asked, petting Alex’s side sweetly. It amazed him how even in such heated moments like this Egon could be so sweet and shy.

“Was thinking of you while I…” Alex admitted in a breathy, sort of out of control voice before he could even think about what he was saying.

"You were?" Egon whispered back, his voice full of shock, it seemed almost impossible that Alex would think of him at all when he was alone.

"Just me?"

Egon's hands began to make their way over Alex's body again, stroking down his sides as he watched for his reaction.

“Only you.” Alex moaned as Egon’s hand teased him.

“Wanted to be Yours” Alex purred. He kissed the bridge of Egon’s nose, something he knew the other man was sensitive about, but to Alex, he loved it, it was strong and regal just like the man it was attached to.

"Oh..." Egon breathed as he heard Alex moaning and kissing his nose, he could feel his heart skipping a beat at that admission. No one had ever said anything like that to him before, he didn't expect anyone to ever tell him that they wanted him, let alone only him. His entire body was trembling now as he felt a rush of emotions all at once.

He lowered his face back to Alex's and kissed him deeply, unable to help himself at all.

“Please, please need you now, needed you yesterday,” Alex began to whine, clawing at Egon’s back freely now. He was sure he would leave faint red marks in his wake. He wanted to mark Egon as much as Egon wanted to mark him.

He drew his legs around Egon’s back and pulled him closer into his hips, barely pulling him in.

Alex grit his teeth. He was so hot. He felt like he had a fever.

Egon groaned at that as his grip on Alex tightened, his breath coming out sharp and heavy as he pressed himself into him with everything he had. His heart was racing and he could feel his vision blurring at the heat now, he was so worked up that it was becoming difficult to keep steady because everything that Alex was doing was sending him straight to the breaking point.

Alex’s whines and moans took a sharp turn into a higher register as Egon pushed home. It felt insane. He felt like he was full to his throat. He wanted to spend and entire eon here in Egon’s arms.

Egon’s moans took a lower register however, as he braced one arm bracketing Alex’s head, hair flung widely out onto the pillow behind him. Alex’s arm flew up to claw at Egon’s nape.

It reminded him of how this started, Egon’s finger slowly drawing up and down his head.

Alex felt drunk. Egon felt powerful.

Egon could feel Alex's back arching as he pushed deeper and deeper, each movement making Egon feel more and more dominant, more and more in control of Alex. He could hear the other man growling and moaning with each thrust as it drove him close to his limit, but Egon couldn't stop himself, he wanted even more.

”Egon- Doctor- I’m so close” Alex breathed. His eyes were brimmed with tears as Egon pushed against a spot inside him that made him see stars. His hand gripped into Egon’s back further, and he was sure his nails were breaking skin as he dug into him and pulled him closer, kissing him harder, teeth biting lips and clacking into each other.

Egon's lips were still locked to his, his mouth moving even as his body shivered at the pressure from Alex's hand. He was on the verge of losing it completely, he needed this release more than anything right now because he had come so far. He'd be lying if he said his actions weren't a bit selfish, but no matter what his intentions were, his mind wasn't thinking like that right now, all he could think about was taking more and more.

“Egon.” Alex’s voice tumbled into a softer tone without even meaning to. “I thi-uh-” he made stupid little punched out noises with every movement. Egon gripped his hand that was on his back and pinned it to the pillows behind his head with his own. He felt just as hot as Alex, if not more so.

“I think- think I’m in-“ Alex gasped and made a long pathetic cry as Egon slowly moved and held his position against him. “ITHINKIMINLOVEWITHYOU-” Alex jumbled out in a moment of happiness and haze induced fog as Egon, the man of his dreams, the guy he’s wanted for so so long, holds him and kisses him and presses into him.

Egon shivered at that admission, his chest feeling as though it were being crushed from the sudden rush of emotions that came from Alex's words. He couldn't even think right now, he wasn't thinking of anything other than this moment, this man he had wanted for so long was in his arms telling him that he loved him. Egon squeezed the boy tighter as he finally released him from the pressure and finally allowed himself to just rest his weight on top of Alex, holding him close.

Alex felt Egon tense, and one of his large hands came to grip Alex’s lower half. He pulled, and a few strokes later Alex’s back bowed and his eyes rolled and he made an absolutely pathetic whimper as he folded.

He was Egon’s.

Egon shivered again, his jaw was clenched tight as he tried to get everything under control and stop his entire world from shaking. Now that he had Alex here, he wasn't going to let him go. He was only his, he was finally his and Egon had never felt this good before as he felt a rush of pride flow through him. He would have to wait to ask if it was just a heat-of-the-situation statement or if it was the real thing, but right now it didn't matter. All he could think of was that he had him.

Egon felt heavy on top of Alex as he laid there after the fact. Alex didn’t have the strength to move him. He really didn’t think he wanted to move him. He felt… warm and full and he really had never been happier. He had the man he loved in bed with him…shit, he had just made love to the man he loved. Alex felt like he may explode despite being so wrung out.

He could still feel Egon’s hands rubbing softly at his hips, even despite him being exhausted. Alex felt a different part of him warm, his heart. Even despite everything Egon was still thinking of him first.

Egon didn't try to move either, he felt so incredibly content just laying on top of Alex, his body pressed firmly against him. Egon's fingers were still tracing over his hips, he couldn't get enough of the boy beneath him. He'd never felt like this before, Alex had a hold on him he didn't think he would ever have over anyone, in this moment he had finally been taken by someone, he had finally been possessed and he wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep with Alex in his arms.

”Egon.” Alex whispered a few minutes after their breathing had calmed down. Egon had shifted slightly to get off of Alex’s chest.

“I love you.” Alex breathed as Egon played with his hair.

He felt Egon smile against his shoulder.

"I love you too."

Egon's reply was simple, but he meant it with all his heart as he shifted off of him, laying beside him now. He was so comfortable and so content with him, he wanted to hold him this way for the rest of his life and he honestly didn't want to be anywhere else right now. His arm snaked around and wrapped tightly around him as he brought him closer to himself, holding him close while his finger played with the hair at the back of his head.

Alex nuzzled into Egon’s neck. He shivered as the last of Egon pulled out.

“Do ya’ think we could sleep here?” Alex asked, already sleepy. Egon had tired him out, and he was still partially in that fuzzy state in between conscious and pliable.

Egon’s hand wrapped further around him. He was warm and still slightly tacky with sweat.

Egon shivered as he felt Alex nuzzle into him again, he couldn't help but give a soft chuckle when he heard his request to sleep together, he was already getting used to being Alex's pillow.

"Yes, I do."

He was tired too and he let himself drift off with his body pressed against Alex's, his arm keeping him close even when his eyes were starting to shut and his heart was trying to slow back down.

Alex fell asleep peacefully and quickly that night. It was nice. He felt completely comfortable for once. He had half the mind to pull his boxers and Egon’s shirt on before completely drifting off and forcing Egon to at least pull his boxers on as well.

-

He was glad he did, because somehow both of them forgot to set any sort of clock beside any bedside table, and by the time Venkman got to the firehouse the next day, they had just enough time to hear the door on the first floor open to be able to wake up and rush to get things ready.

Egon sat up slowly when he heard the firehouse door slam open from the lower floor. He looked around, seeing Alex pull on his boxers next to him.

He had to be dreaming still because Alex had spent the entire night with him. Egon was already slipping on pants by then and Alex was up as well.

They both looked half dressed but it was enough to not raise suspicions that they had been with each other. For all Peter knew, Egon had simply spent the night in the lab and Alex had had a particularly good date. They shuffled blearily into the kitchenette, and belatedly, Alex realized all of Egon’s work was still across the table. He hoped it could survive a night of no refrigeration, he would’ve hated to have ruined all of his hard work. He didn’t look worried, so Alex was not panicked just yet.

Instead, Egon headed to the kitchen and started pulling down some pancake mix and a bowl from a higher shelf than Alex couldn’t usually get to without going on his tip-toes, and grabbing a pan from under the sink.

Alex sat at the same chair he had been accosted in last night and watched intensely. Egon looked so domestic. He had to borrow extra sweats and an old college hoodie in his locker here since his clothes were ruined last night. He was lucky enough to have another work outfit in his locker. So he didn’t have the luxury of pretending like the two of them had truly spent a night together like a real couple.

Even though they did.

Finally.

Instead, he was already internally preparing to make up some story about someone else if Peter asked about his neck. Thankfully, Alex was smart enough to keep any marks he left on Egon where only he could see them.

Egon was focused on his cooking, he'd made pancakes here a few times before but he was determined to make this a good breakfast for Alex, now that they were actually official.

He was too focused on that to notice just how much Alex was staring at him, watching him like a predator would prey.

It was a nice feeling to know he had this kind of attention. He finally looked over at him though and smirked at the sight before going back to cooking.

Alex knew he had to tear his attention away before Venkman came up here and caught on to something. He was half worried that the place still reeked of sex.

He had quickly thrown the sheets of his and every other bed into the washer with the help of Egon, along with their clothes.

In all terms, nothing was left of evidence.

But Alex kinda wanted there to be.

He really, really liked Egon.

Watching him cook pancakes, for him and Alex, providing like this without being asked, warmed his heart a little bit and he had to catch himself before his brain took off with the thought and started imagining 10 years in the future, to mornings just like this, except maybe with a few little feet running around.

Egon was actually feeling warm at the looks Alex was giving him, it made him feel good that Alex was looking at him like this, that he could make this guy so happy. Egon didn't think of the future, he was just focused on this moment, on making these pancakes. Once he had the batter properly mixed he set the bowl down and pulled out the frying pan, beginning to heat it with grease.

Alex didn’t think anything could ruin his mood today.

That was, almost.

-

After Egon had finished his pancakes, they had both eaten just as Peter finally came upstairs to see them. Apparently he had stopped to check on the car before coming up, so they had more time than they thought.

They conversed casually, and sure enough, as Alex bit into another bite of his pancakes, he watched Peter eye his neck suspiciously.

“WHO gave you those things newsboy?” He asked, smirking.

Alex felt Egon’s leg tense against his, but he didn’t stop eating or show any other sign of being startled, so that was good.

“Just some girl from the bar…” Alex mumbled.

He didn’t know if Egon wanted to be open about it. He wished he had gotten to talk about it with him before everyone had shown up for work the next day. They had a scheduled go over of what they were going to do with the vault and its size soon.

But it was interrupted.

As soon as everyone had crowded around the breakfast nook upstairs, the alarms rang and Janine was yelling from downstairs about some high level poltergeist at the manhattan library. Suddenly, just as fast as they arrived, the boys had taken off in the van, all suited up.

Egon spared him a fleeting glance, and it was packed with a lot, before he had shuffled in and they had flipped the sirens on and pulled off.

Well.

He may as well get some work done for the rest of the day while they were gone.

-

Egon had caught an expression out of the corner of his eye from Peter and Alex's exchange that he didn't like, his jaw was clenching as they were interrupted, but there was no chance to dwell on it right now. He was more worried about Alex, hoping he wouldn't get into any kind of trouble from the lie he'd told. As Egon was going into the van he gave Alex a glimpse of a look that said 'I'll talk to you about it later' before being shut into the van with the rest of the team.

-

Alex had busied himself until the van had pulled up again late in the day.

It was a bad bust. At least a rough one.

There was a loud noise of the garage opening and the van pulled in with the boys in tow. They hoped out one by one.

Peter looked tired, already smoking. Ray was talking frantically to Winston who didn’t seem to be paying that much attention, talking about dinner. And finally, Egon folded himself out of the tight door and seemed to be almost…smoking.

Not, like. Attractive-ness wise.

Like, legitimately smoking.

As in on fire.

Alex rushed over to see what was wrong, but as he approached Egon simply held up the smoking ecto-trap, still steaming from a big catch. He smiled tiredly and looked down at Alex.

Egon looked exhausted and in need of a good shower at the moment, sweat and ash covered him and Alex couldn't find a clean spot on him if he tried. He was panting heavily the moment he made it out of the van since the last ghost they had encountered had been one hell of a fight. His eyes immediately locked with Alex's when he started running over towards him and his face lit up with that tired, sweet smile. He was grateful that the one person he actually wanted to see right now was there to see him.

Alex looked towards the rest of the boys. “Okay boys, beds are freshly made. Go shower and while you do that I’ll order your favorite Chinese takeout!” Alex declared and he could practically feel Egon melt under his touch on his back with his words.

With that, everyone scuddled off to busy themselves.

Egon's shoulders sagged the moment he heard that, his expression suddenly becoming much more relaxed and calm. As soon as the rest of the guys left the room he had wrapped his arms tightly around him again, burying his face down into the crook of his neck.

"I don't feel like you give yourself enough credit Alex, I'm always fed well here."

His words were tired and scratchy, but he was still smiling as he squeezed him tight.

Alex nuzzled back, only slightly bothered by the singed smell of his uniform. That would have to be fixed later.

“Go shower, big guy.” Alex shoved Egon gently off him and towards the showers with the rest of the guys. He wanted him to be clean and feeling good before he gave him a warm meal.

Egon reluctantly let himself be pushed away but he still made good use of the rest room as he stripped off his sweaty clothes and headed into the shower. It wasn't easy to wash the thick layer of sweat and ash from his skin this far in but he was able to at least get it to the point where he didn't smell like he'd been standing next to someone on fire. He got out of the shower after about 20 minutes and put on a clean set of clothes he had kept up here.

As he searched for clothes, he realized a sweater from earlier was missing. He’d have to ask Alex if he’d seen where it had gone, maybe in with the clothes that they ruined last night.

Egon smiled smugly at the thought.

And here everyone thought he had no game.

He shook his head.

It was more than that.

He really, really liked Alex. He felt connected to him, on a deeper level than he did with anybody else on the team. He wanted to come home to him after a long day of kicking ass and saving the world, knowing he was safe and happy.

Egon smiled at the thought happily as he appeared back in the kitchenette, empty save for you even though everyone else had gone off to shower before him.

Egon was content with this moment right now, he was home and he didn't have to worry about his team for a little while longer. And even if Alex was still going through his stuff, and stealing it to wear home, he didn't have any concerns.

"I'm back, how have you been holding up here?" He asked, walking into the kitchenette with a small, gentle smile as he leaned up against the counter. Egon just wanted to keep talking with Alex for a little while longer before they had to actually get busy with work things.

Alex opened one of 3 bags of Chinese food he had ordered while the rest of them were showering.

“I’m okay. That bust looked rough. Wanna’ talk about it?”

Alex asked, bumping his hip playfully against Egon’s in an attempt to keep the mood light even though he knew sometimes talking about scary or close-call busts made Egon get antsy.

Egon's face was still a little bit strained after the bust but he couldn't help but smile when he noticed Alex was trying to keep the mood light, Egon liked that part of him. He couldn't help but chuckle as Alex bumped his hip against him, he knew Alex was trying to help. When the topic of the bust came up, Egon tried to dismiss it.

"Oh it was nothing, the ghost was just a bit stronger than expected but it turned out fine. Don't worry about it."

Alex could tell he was dodging him, but he wasn’t going to push. Egon would come to him when he was ready.

Or, he maybe he could take out his stress with busts a different way now.

Either way, Alex didn’t mind for now.

Presently, he focused on getting the food out of the bags and cleaning Egon’s makeshift science lab off the and onto the counter.

Alex was glad. It looked like they had all survived the night and were doing fine. Egon didn’t seem fussed with him moving them either. Just watched, enraptured, leaning over the rest of the kitchen with arms folded as Alex moved methodically.

Egon's eyes kept on moving from his food to Alex and back again, that sweet smile never leaving his face as he admired the way he went about his work. Egon's stomach was rumbling now that that sweet smell was filling the kitchenette, the smell of the fresh food just making his stomach growl. His hand reached out to try and grab a piece of the food but each time he reached his hand out he stopped himself, not wanting to eat until Alex had a chance to eat something too.

Alex playfully batted at his hand. “Let me grab the others, they went to grab beers from the basement freezer.”

Alex swung himself quickly around the fire pole a few yards away and Egon watched him quickly drop out of view rolling his eyes.

Always dramatic.

Alex was the one that used that silly pole the most despite only being a desk jockey and a PR Princess for the team.

Egon chuckled a little bit as he watched Alex take the fire pole, as much as he thought it was a bit much he was more impressed that Alex could actually pull it off. Egon got too lost in his own thoughts to notice that Alex had left until he was back in just a minute or two with the other guys in tow.

Alex bounded up the stairs and gleefully placed a cold 6 pack down in the center. Janine was even in tow behind the rest of the guys.

Egon smiled gently. It was perfect. All his favorite people.

Alex brushed up against him, smiling with a specific warmth meant only for him.

He clapped his hands together happily. “Okay guys!” He addressed everyone and gestured to the wide spread of Chinese food in the center of the table, with the beer as the centerpiece. “Dig in!”

Egon felt like something had suddenly and unexpectedly popped into place in his life. Like something was just ever so slightly out of alignment, and in this particular moment it all became very, blindingly clear.

It was all perfect.

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

Final notes: woah!! Okay so that was a long story sorry everyone I have brainrot. Not responsible for my own actions but honestly we need more good ftm shit on this website so I took it upon myself. Hope everyone enjoyed but look out for more stuff soon because I finally feel like actually writing yayyyy :333

[heliads]

Dear Elena

It is hard to keep track of anything when your entire life has been shattered into pieces. You're meant to be writing letters to your best friend, who happens to be in a coma at the moment, but you keep getting sidetracked by the one man who won't leave your thoughts.

masterlist

It is a beautiful morning, the sun is out, and all you can think about is the people you’ve lost. Last summer, you had more friends around than you do right now. Some of them are gone forever, some have moved on and moved out of town, and others are not within your grasp anymore. The endless loss blends together into one dense cacophony of regret, enough to keep you indoors even despite the lovely day outside.

Instead, you’re curled up on one corner of a sofa in the Salvatore house, passing off your suffering as an excuse to write to yet another one of the friends you’re missing. Elena Gilbert is not to blame for her absence in your life; she certainly wants nothing to do with her seemingly eternal coma, but your journal entries to her have started spiraling into irritation as the weeks go by without her waking up.

Case in point, your latest attempt at a happy message to your friend if/when she ever wakes up:

Dear Elena,

Shit has been fucked.

A voice sounds from over your shoulder, just as dry and sarcastic as ever.

“Y/N, you’re supposed to be uplifting with these things. Last time I checked, ‘uplifting’ didn’t involve nearly so many bad words.”

You fight the urge to roll your eyes, but it’s a losing battle. “And last time I checked, these journals were for Elena, not you, Damon. Quit reading over my shoulder.”

Damon Salvatore, for of course it is he, spreads his hands in another display of his usual casual bravado. “Maybe you shouldn’t be writing them in my house if you don’t want me looking. Consider me curious, that’s all. I want to know if you’re adequately portraying my great deeds of heroism that I’ve been doing all the time since Elena closed her eyes.”

You take a moment to ponder that, then scrawl in one more line beneath the aforementioned expletives:

Also, your boyfriend is annoying me to death. Again.

Damon swats you on the shoulder. “Rude. Don’t you have anything nice to write other than complaints or depressed musings?”

You laugh bitterly, but the sound only turns more troubled as it trails off into silence. “Not really. Nothing’s going well at the moment. Every time I think I can count on someone, they leave or let me down.”

Damon blows out a low breath. “Tell me about it. I mean, it’s not like Mystic Falls is always a powerhouse of fun and playtime, but I think I even caught Caroline moping around when she thought I wasn’t looking.”

You hug your knees tighter to your chest. “It just all feels pointless. We fix a problem and two more take its place. You think you know someone and you’re wrong about them every time.”

Damon gives you a look, finally serious for once in his extended life. “This is about Enzo, isn’t it?”

You glance away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He chuckles. “Of course you don’t.” A beat goes by, and he speaks again, almost an afterthought. “It’s not love, by the way.”

You frown up at him. “What?”

“Why Enzo is on Lily’s side. It’s not love, it’s duty. She turned him. That does stuff to your sense of obligation. He’s helping her because he thinks that’s what he should do. He doesn’t love her. Or, not like that, at least.”

You shake your head. “He doesn’t love her like what?”

When Damon remains infuriatingly silent, you press him again for information. “Wait, Damon, like what?”

He doesn’t answer you, though, just disappears, leaving you only with the fluttering of your notebook pages for company. You groan, muttering silent curses about over dramatic vampires never saying what they mean, then toss your notebook to the side. Damon’s right, you’re never going to get this entry done properly if you’re still in your head about everything to do with one certain Enzo St. John.

After all, how could you? Enzo is Enzo, for better or for worse, and nothing about him has made sense since the day you met. You were there when Enzo was trying to kill Damon, when he did time on the Other Side, even when he was helping the rest of you try to free Damon and Bonnie from the prison world. He’s been your enemy at times, your friend at others, but above all, he has lingered around your thoughts far more than you would care to mention.

Dear Elena,

Do you remember when you first told me you were falling for Damon? How I told you that you were crazy for loving someone who had tried to kill us at one point? I think I might have to join you in that camp. I’m not crushing on Damon, don’t worry about that, but someone else. Someone pretty similar to Damon, actually. Guess that’s why they’re such good friends.

You never counted on falling in love with Enzo. Love is difficult in Mystic Falls– there are always a thousand different things going wrong, enough to tear you from what you’re certain is a happily-ever-after just when you’ve finally allowed yourself to have hope. You had just decided that you were going to use your head and not fall in love at all if you could help it, and then he showed up and just like that, you knew you were done for.

It’s not like you could have done anything else. Enzo flirted with you constantly while he was trying to kill you. He made jokes when you were facing each other off. He sought you out first when he escaped the Other Side, said something about how the worst part of it by far was not being able to talk to you. 

He made you promises you knew he couldn’t keep, and then he joined Lily Salvatore and now it’s like he’s gone from you forever. Technically, he’s still out there, but he’s not yours anymore. If he ever was, that is. Suddenly, you’re not sure of anything the way you once were.

Dear Elena,

Why do boys have to be so insanely difficult?

Your moping clearly isn’t doing anything for you, so you give up and head outside. Most of your remaining friends have taken to camping out in the Salvatore estate at some point or other during the day. It makes it easier to find everyone when a new startling discovery descends upon you all, but it also makes you feel trapped, a bird in a cage who longs to spread her wings.

There is, however, a very good reason why you should stay inside longer, and that reason appears when you’ve hardly taken three steps into the center of town. You were headed for the Mystic Grill, but you do an abrupt 180 on the sidewalk and start heading back towards the residential areas when you spot a dark-haired figure that’s all too familiar to you. You don’t think he saw you, so you might be able to get away if you hurry.

Or maybe not. There’s a shout after you, it makes you flinch. “I missed you, you know.”

A gust of wind rustles the leaves on the branches nearby, and you don’t have to turn around to know that Enzo has just appeared behind you, taking advantage of his vampire speed to cross the street in less than a second.

“Yeah, well,” you say, still not trying to make eye contact with him, “maybe you shouldn’t have joined Lily and her Heretics, then. If you miss me, why aren’t we on the same side?”

“We weren’t on the same side at the start,” Enzo muses, keeping time with you even as you try to walk away, “that didn’t bother you then, now, did it?”

“That was different,” you argue.

“Was it?” He asks. “I was trying to kill you then. I’m not anymore.”

“And how do I know that?” You ask, finally standing still long enough to look him directly in the eyes. It’s been a while since you saw him face to face, you almost forgot how deeply he looks at you, like you’re the only person in this world worth seeing.

Enzo sighs, raises his hand to scuff through his hair but stops himself just in time. It’s been a while since he cut it short and started gelling it smooth, but sometimes you think he forgets that it isn’t the unruly almost-shoulder height it had once been. Enzo has spent enough time in various stages of captivity and death and rebirth that sometimes the lines start to blur. Even for seemingly insignificant things like hair. 

You like it better now, actually. You’re certain you’ve told him that at least once, and if you haven’t, he’s probably picked up on it from the way your eyes lingered on him when he first got the cut. 

“You know because you trust me,” Enzo starts, and holds up a hand when it looks like you’re going to cut him off. “And yes, you can say all you want about how you won’t trust me since I’m with the Heretics but maybe— maybe I don’t want that anymore.”

Your brow furrows. “Why not?”

He lifts a shoulder. “I’m not sure, honestly. I thought it would feel better. She promised me that we’d be like a little family or something, but the lot of them have been together so long that I just feel like an intruder.”

“Then why haven’t you left yet?” You dare to ask. 

“I’m waiting for the right moment,” he answers you, “Lily’s control over her little monsters is slipping. At some point it’ll be easy for me to steal away and just never come back. I don’t want her sort of life anymore. I want something that feels right.”

“Like what?” You breathe. 

“Like you,” Enzo says without a second’s hesitation, “it’s always been you, Y/N, you know that. I liked you from the very start. I had hoped that spending more time with Lily wouldn’t hurt us, but I was wrong. I just want you. Not her, not her bizarre idea of a family. You.”

You exhale slowly. “I’ve been waiting to hear that for a very long time, you know that?”

Enzo cracks a grin at last. You missed that smile more than anything, more than it hurt to admit you needed him. “My apologies, love. I’ll try to be better at spilling my heart out in the future.”

He’s joking, though, and his smile only grows when you start to laugh. It is easy, being with him, and although you never really thought about why that was before, you’re glad to know that you’ll have plenty of time to ponder it now, especially with Enzo by your side. 

Dear Elena,

I think, for once, that things actually might turn out alright. 

tvd tag list: @thatfangirl42

[goat-and-a-pig]

Chapter 6

Stan grumbled. “Follow me.” He started up the stairs with the weirdos behind him.

“You’re gonna have to be quiet,” he told them. “Can you do that?” They nodded. Stan slowly opened the door and peeked out.

Nobody was there.

He silently let out a sigh of relief. Stan crept down the hallway and found a door. With Icarus and Mabel in tow, they escaped.

“So,” Stan panted. “You’re sure you’re not my brother? You’ve got twelve fingers and twelve toes. Also, what’s up with the hair?” Icarus rolled his eyes and replied, “While I remember none of this, Bill thankfully filled in the gaps. I was mutated by radiation from Bill’s universe- as was Mabel. I have extra digits and really fast growing hair. Any more questions?”

“WHAT THE HE-” he caught himself. There was a child here. “-ck is wrong with your eye?!?” But Icarus was not deterred. “I was nearly dead when Bill found me, so he lent me part of himself so that I could survive. Unfortunately for his independence, it didn’t quite work and now he’s merged with me for life. He can only be so far away from me for so long. And when I awoke after my near death experience, I couldn’t remember a single thing that had happened before,” he explained. “You done yet?”

“Just one more.” Stan held up a finger. Icarus sighed. “Alright then. What is it?”

“Icarus?!?” Stan could hardly control his laughter. “Seriously? Out of all of the names, why Icarus?” When Stan finally quit laughing, Icarus spoke, his ears burning. “When Bill… merged with me, he saw my last thoughts and Icarus was among them. He assumed it was my name. Which, I guess if I wasn’t thinking of my name, then I would be eligible to be your brother, whatever his name is, if I hadn’t been mutated. But why is Icarus such a bad name?”

Stan scoffed. “Why’d you want to be named after that idiot in the fairy tale? And my brother’s name is Ford, thanks.” Icarus frowned. “Fairy tale?” He asked.

“Just some dumb myth about a kid who flies too close to the sun, melts the wax on his wings, and like, dies,” he answered carelessly. “If you ask me, the moral of the story is to not be an overachiever.” He thought about his brother, then shook the thought off. “Huh,” Icarus mused. Stan cleared his throat. “So you’re sure this Bill guy didn’t lie to you about the mutation?”

“I trust Bill. He wouldn’t lie to me. And even if he tried, look at Mabel! She was mutated too!” Mabel gave him an awkward smile that didn’t feel genuine. What was her story?

Icarus’ stomach let out a huge rumble, interrupting Stan’s thoughts. “Excuse me,” he said, turning red with embarrassment. “I forgot to eat dinner with all of the stuff going on.”

“Dinner?” Man, he is way off schedule, Stan thought. But he smiled. He still had one more trick up his sleeve to get the journal back easily without all of this “archive” nonsense. “Are you hungry? I’m starving! Let’s go get some food. I know the perfect place. It’s not like, filled with thugs or something. It’s called the Cuddly Plaidypus!” Icarus flinched at the word thugs. “Thugs?” He asked quietly. His eyes flicked to Mabel.

Oh. He’s trying to protect her. Stan felt guilty for a moment. Well, he figured, if Icarus takes her back with him to the spaceship after they’re frightened out of their wits, she’d be safer than if she was on this journey. He glanced at Mabel. She stared back at the two of them. But I get the feeling she’d be fine facing against thugs- I think she’s more capable than she looks. “None,” he replied confidently. “Um… Okay then,” he agreed hesitantly. “Where is this place?”

Stan grinned. “It’s this way. Follow me.”

[goddess-of-graphite]

per that one reblog that suggested this happening to grown up Red Hood!Jason instead of Robin!Jason and I couldn’t decide which scenario I wanted to see more so

I came up with a way for this to happen to both red hood Jason and Robin Jason in the same continuity and it can basically be summed up as “cult tried to summon Something but the fight to stop them caused the runes to be fucked up and also Jason bled on the circle a little by accident and the result is fifteen-year-old Jason being summoned from the timeline where, upon finding out his bio mom wasn’t Catherine, he ran his own DNA instead of going off of the three names in willis’ journal right off the bat and was met with his own missing persons report”

So the magic people are trying to reverse engineer the circle while little Jason is stuck there in the future and it is so, so heartbreaking for literally everyone else but him

little Jason is having a BLAST he’s not worried about getting home he knows his mom will come pick him up if he’s gone too long.

Thus you get interactions like this:

bby!Jason: Whoa! I’ve never been summoned before!! 🤩 

bby!Jason, catching sight of the bats: whoa, am I in the future?? There’s so many of you!! 

bby!Jason, seeing under this Bruce’s cowl for the first time: ohmygod B *maliciously gleeful* you got old!

bby!Jason, upon learning who Red Hood is: holy shit that’s me?!

bby!Jason, staring up at his older self with stars in his eyes: *whispering reverently* I got the tall genes

big!Jason: … sure did buddy

bby!Jason: so where’s mom?

All of the bats: *freezing* w. who.

bby!Jason: oh, okay, this is an alternate timeline. Hey, what’s the date?

Batfam: …. Why.

bby!Jason: so I can put a reminder in, just in case this happens in my future.

Cue red hood and Robin!jason comparing notes to figure out where the divergence is like-

bby: ok, grew up in crime alley?

hood: check. willis and Catherine?

bby: ye. batmobile tires get you adopted?

hood: unfortunately. Dick is?

bby: Nightwing . Alfred and Barbara?

hood: penny-one and formerly batgirl

bby: formerly?!

hood: yeah she’s got a new name now 

bby: oooh! don’t tell me, don’t tell me!! it has to be a surprise.

hood: … yeah about that

bby: ?

hood: nevermind. Gonzales?

baby Jason, suddenly vicious with a dark expression on his face: I should have pushed him.

hood: ah. guess he didn’t fall in your timeline?

bby: what? No, he fell. I just think it was a cop out that it was an accident.

(The bats, in the background: sweet jesus what the fuck??

Tim: huh, guess he was always a little bloodthirsty. makes sense. good to know.)

hood: and… Batman didn’t…?

bby: UGH. That was such bullshit, he benched me and was all angry and shit and I really thought I was gonna get kicked out

bby: so I used the bat computer to run my DNA, you know, just in case I had living relatives 

hood: you didn’t find willis’ old stuff?

bby: naw I didn’t want it so I just stuck it up in the attic. Anyway apparently I was a missing persons as a baby and they still had the dna on file

hood: e. excuse me you were what

bby: yeah! and I was like “wow how the hell did I wind up in jersey” but I tracked down my mom and went and visited while B was out of town

hood: so… Sheila-?

bby: ?

hood: Sheila isn’t… your mom?

bby: no my mom’s name is Danny and he’s the best

Big Jason suddenly has to reckon with the fact that this version of him didn’t die and isn’t going to. (Also Sheila may not even be his bio mother??? He died for nothing??)

Bruce is just as fucked up about that he’s crying shaking throwing up 

Tim is secretly running Jason’s dna in the background and comparing it with old missing persons reports. he is the first to realise The Implications

Dick has caught the pronouns and for some reason his adhd brain has focused in on it in a very “I want to know every facet of your story” kind of way

Damian wants nothing to do with any of this outside of ensuring that the younger version of Todd doesn’t stay in their timeline. he’s already fought for the robin mantle once he’s not doing it again if he can help it

No one is sure if they should tell baby Jason about the joker thing and, y’know, dying. Even if it’s just casually dropping a “hey don’t go anywhere near joker like ever pls” because that would just make baby Jason curious.

Everyone is having a mental breakdown it’s great 🥰

hood, later: hey so why did you say you wished you’d pushed Gonzales?

babyjay: i mean after finding out what happened to mom it got a lot more personal

hood, visibly adding more weapons to his suit: Who Do I Have To Kill

babyjay: wow you’d fit right in at the Fenton family reunion 

Also also

hood: *makes a death joke*

baby jay: oh hey you have mom’s sense of humour!!

hood: i have. hwat.

Dan, bound to a clone body and experiencing a relatively calm life with the Fentons, gets de-aged by a jealous Vlad and is held hostage by the man, who wants to be involved with family things. Vlad, somehow, loses the baby.

14 years later, Jason Todd is desperately looking for his mother, only for the DNA test to match him with a 30-year-old transman and a billionaire over 60.

Oh, and his own missing person's report.

[kilosch]

Journal Entry 10/18/24

Slow Start & Easy Friday Vibes: Woke up late again, no meetings to attend today. Fridays are always chill, and with it being a short week thanks to the holiday, there wasn’t much going on. Most of my day was spent reconciling everything I worked on this week and making sure the MCWs and CHWs were trained up—especially on referrals and transportation procedures. I’ve been putting a lot of effort into this transition since they’ll be handling more of the responsibilities once I leave.

Meeting with Vanessa (NP): I had a quick meeting with Vanessa (NP) to ensure everything was in place for the support team to take over my duties while I’m away next week. We caught up, and I filled her in on everything she needed to know before I’m gone. She told me, “Enjoy your vacay,” but I quickly corrected her, saying, “Nope, this isn’t a vacation—it’s PC 832 prep.” She just laughed and said, “Whatever, you’re away from us for a week.” We had a lighthearted exchange—nice to end the workweek on a good note.

Texting Nessa about Urgent Care Visit: I updated Nessa about my urgent care visit and how useless the advice felt. She responded with a “WTF” and laughed along when I joked about the situation. It’s nice to have someone I can banter with, even about annoying stuff like that.

NLCS Game 5 Disappointment: I watched Game 5 of the NLCS, and it was a complete letdown. The Dodgers lost 6-11, with the bullpen falling apart, making the series 3-2. Now, everything rides on Game 6 this Sunday. If the Mets take the series, it’ll be a crushing blow after all the momentum we built up. I just hope the team pulls it together—our World Series dream is still alive, but barely hanging on.

PC 832 Study Prep: After the game, I switched gears to prepare for PC 832. I’ve been reading the study guide provided by one of the instructors, which emphasized focusing on the POST 832 Student Workbook, Volume 2 - Law and Evidence, specifically:

Learning Domain 15 (Laws of Arrest)

Learning Domain 16 (Search and Seizure)

I’m really nervous about the written tests more than the class itself since passing this is my key to moving forward in the police academy. I spent some time on Quizlet, but I’ve been struggling with the legalese in the vocabulary—some of it feels overwhelming. My plan for the weekend is to focus entirely on LD 15 and 16 and clarify any tricky concepts during the class. I have to pass this, no excuses. I need to stay determined.

Family Dinner & Catching Up: For dinner, I went to my uncle’s house and caught up with him. We were chatting when his dog suddenly started throwing up. None of us knew what he had fed the poor thing—hopefully, it’s nothing serious. My uncle also reminded us that my parents are coming home next Wednesday, but I was already expecting that. I hope their return brings some stability to our home life—things have felt off lately, and it’d be good to have them back.

Wildfire News & FOMO: As if this week wasn’t strange enough, the LASD and LACoFD announced that the Bridge Fire—which was contained in late September—has re-sparked and is active again. What’s wild is that we’re seeing wildfires in the middle of fall. California really knows how to keep things interesting, I guess. I hope I don’t get pulled into anything crazy with LASD before my class next week.

Reflections & Determination to Pass: Surprisingly, I didn’t feel any depression today. Staying busy really seems to help distract me from those dark thoughts. But, weirdly enough, I’m already experiencing some FOMO thinking about missing out on work for a week. It’s like I don’t know how to step away without feeling guilty, even when I know I need to focus on this course.

I have to pass this PC 832 class. I’m determined, but I know I’ll need some help understanding the material, especially the legal vocab. I’ll spend the weekend studying as much as possible—I can’t afford to mess this up.

Here’s to hoping for a productive weekend and a Dodgers win on Sunday.

[sincelastsession]

I decided not to be an asshole this year and have gotten my dad a "tell me about your life" journal with prompts specifically for fathers.

If he's chill I'm going to give him the journal

If he's a turd then it'll stay in my purse and get returned to Amazon or given to Travis to give his dad as an extra gift.

Idk I know comparison is the thief of joy but why are all these dads of my friends that I've met absolutely NOTHING like mine?

Even the people that went no contact with thier dad's for them doing dumb shit that seems like something I'd blow off. My dad is worse. My choice in many partners being shitty is because of my dad partly.

I'm aggravated that he's basically treating my sister in an emotional incest way and enabling her to do dumb shithead stuff.

She in turn apparently the engaged one has been bitching about this GORGEOUS expensive cruelty free emerald ring he proposed to her with. It was 3rd on her list and all he could afford over 1k. It makes me sorta sick that she now hates it...like grow up...the fiance said he would upgrade her to the wedding ring she wanted when they marry. I don't understand why he's making big purchases recently and showing it off online...meanwhile my dad is paying for everything my sister wants still because she keeps losing jobs smoking weed partying.

My mom said she got in her face and flipped out at her about how kids teased her for smelling like pee...yeah the whole house is so strong with ammonia and animal piss and shit on the floor it's probably a hazard to live there. But Piper used to just piss where ever growing up because she was scared to go to the bathroom where I believe she had a trauma as a child at school but she can't remember anything and I know even in high-school she would just piss herself in my car and lie about it.

I know I had accidents but I don't know if it was due to trauma or juvenile Dermatomyositis. I had many uti issues growing up. I was also hypersexual early and if I got caught (I dunno how unless they were listening at my door) like I'd get shamed about it by mom. She doesn't remember this though. She doesn't remember anything she did wrong ever. Also if she uses the "idk how to do it" as an excuse to check her email she got locked out of probably for falling for scammers or OR MY DAD locked her out because he knows her password. Like he used to plot about fucking her over. I'm not supposed to tell her that he can look at her email and wants to put a lean on her house to fuck her over before he dies so she can't force sell the house. I've told her "fuck it sell it" despite not wanting to sell my portion because my Sister thinks she's going to inherit the house with her fiancé or just live there with friends. She has NO CLUE how spoiled she is.

I'm aware that my mom and dad tried to give me everything I wanted but everything I'm given can be taken away and comes with strings attached and God forbid if I don't like a gift then I'm terrible. Honestly I never did really get what I actually wanted...my mom would thing I liked something and go secretly buy it. I had flipouts that were probably autistic on holidays with gifts because it was always a shock or big change or unexpected. I don't like surprises at all because no one listens or knows what I like they don't pay attention. Matt and Travis do know enough and pay attention enough. My sister's gifting skills well...she tried but then she attacked me because I threw the very cheap fucking fir tree candle that I know she picked out...but it was never abt the candle. The thing is it was mine so I could have thrown it and smashed it or lobbed it at her head. If I had cameras built into my glasses during that moment you'd be like Oh ok I get it. They were BOTH screaming at me calling me a liar about different shit. My sister would not stop and neither would my dad. I was disgusted. I didn't want a gift from people who were treating me like that but the candle was in my hand. It got thrown onto a soft thing so it didn't break and then my sister got insulted and rushed me and put her fuckin smelly sweaty ass dirty nail sticky idiot bitch hands on me yelling "you wanna fight bitch let's go" which I mean in retrospect is funny because I'm not scared of her. I'm scared of the fact that I could have as someone with autism and cptsd could gave flashed out at her and hurt her badly. It's possible after that I shoved her but she was also using her whole body weight which is less than half of mine to prevent me from picking up the fucking candle and leaving. She started screaming to my dad who was watching that I was hurting her even though I kept telling her to back off get her hands off me and stop because I was getting close to putting her in a hold or just idk. I didn't want to hurt her and I wasn't out of it. But like my dad gets up and I didn't even see him and grabs me by the hair and then she jumped him.

She wasn't angry about the candle. She wanted an excuse to fight me she's been resentful and jealous of me for years not knowing really anything about me. But that's her fault for not caring to ask or listening. I tried my best to be a good sister and teach her good things but she doesn't really like anyone in the family. She calls her deadbeat biological mom and whines. She tells her friends false narratives of what actually happened and just about me in general. I've caught her more than once lying to them about me. She creates these pity parties like both my parents.

I'm probably guilty of it to an extent but this is something I've observed her and both parents do especially.

It's a very signature move they have in common.

Idk how I didn't end up with aspd diagnosis or worse.

Like genuinely don't understand how I didn't turn out straight up a villian like I'm treated as. Sometimes I do want to act like they accuse me to show them that I too can play the bullshit game have a Villain Era and wreck thier lives like they did me.

Why do abusers not realize or remember what they did?

I'd like to save one of the cats from my dad's house. He probably needs a vet check. No one changes the litter often enough. I don't know if he's actually loved on or treated like an accessory etc... mostly he hides because my sister terrorized him as a child. I got screamed at for correcting her behavior because "You're not my mom" well no I wasn't but who was going to be? Who was gonna buy her 400 bucks worth of self care shit that she'd run out of...but then she had a fit about it but never returned it. I bought them a new garbage can because the old one broke and was disgusting. I got blessed out screamed at and almost hit. But as soon as I said I'd take it to my place for me to use they wanted it.

Piper would ask me as a kid "when you die can I have your things?" And she was like a small child with her own things I thought...

But she's always stolen things and lied. She's always been shitty about animals and caring for them. My parents animal hoarding was not helpful. It destroyed the house. They both used weaponized incompetence in cleaning and keeping thing up. They still use it for simple things. It still drives me nuts that they don't actually make a concerted effort to learn about me at all. They judge me based on thought distortions and my past reactive abuse behavior because that's really the only time I was ever an asshole. I never purposefully tried to hurt or do anything bad to them.

I don't understand my family. Even my Aunts and Uncles want nothing to do with me. My schizophrenic uncle...he probably would talk to me if I was allowed to call him or see him or visit which I'd really like to do. He is a kind soul and he understands what I deal with because I assume his parents abused him for being schizophrenic and gay or bi or whatever.

I am extremely worried about my dad's mental health and I do want him to get help. I'm not going to interrupt him if he opens up to you as if the session is just for him. I can't make him schedule a session but I can try to convince him to come to mine and maybe a goddamn miracle of communication that's not batshit will happen.

Like he need serious help. He's starting a new job and he's likely not taking care of himself at all and he'll likely get fired before the year is up.

He and my mom were ready to move me and now they're doing the getting my hopes up thing and picking out bad places because they know as soon as I say no thank you it's not a good area they can bitch and give up helping. I didn't ask to be so hypervigiliant that I can't work a typical job. They just gave up helping me. I asked. I keep asking for help on alll these things I don't understand and they think I'm inept and stupid. I'm fucking obviously autistic and traumatized to hell and not doing well imo.

I haven't even eaten today because going to the grocery is scary by myself and I get overstim and then I can't even shop correctly.

Part of the reason I have spending and grocery anxiety is because I had to go by weird fucking shopping rules growing up.

My mom just gets everything she wants.

My dad does too.

My sister even does.

But me I will worry about if the prices of carrots are too high because I might get a call because dad opened my fucking bank mail and is screaming at me for ordering food or "buying too many expensive groceries"

I know I'm fat. I have thyroid issues. I have chronic pain. I plan to TRY to join a gym. I even got myself to go on a walk today after session to get some nervous energy off me. My Geneticist thinks I have tons if things going on. Anyway my point is I'm not binging or having anything worse than a Goodwood grill burger and fries. Maybe some chips as a munchies snack when I'm stoned treating pain issues. I actually haven't even eaten today. I do know how diets and metabolism work. I tend to just eat when I know I need to or it's a craving. I don't feel hunger like a normal person. I judge by the last time I ate and if I feel off or shake etc... I've been inpatient for this issue and they fucked up so much with me it actually made me gain 80lbs. My earing disorder is NOS so like it's not imo active but stress and not access to safe foods is bad. I do get a lot of groceries sometimes but despite having food some day I can't get myself to eat the things I was excited about. I'll usually order food I can eat or if I have a yogurt or protein shake or something I can convince myself to have them that's the nutritional intake.

Meal prepping is not my jam.

I do like to cook and it can be relaxing but it also stresses me out to make myself dinner every night.

Still I'm not considering it being in a flare right now because I do plan on getting something after I type all this to get it out of my system.

Also rn I have stupid I guess like HS boils/cysts in very uncomfortable places and it sucks.

I keep telling myself that I'm going to go places and do things and then I don't get it done and then I just don't have the energy or the mind power to make it through an entire day if I can leave the house and I just end up going to like the dollar store and getting whatever is cheap there and not adhering to my grocery list that I spend time making.

And I really think the root of like many of these problems is literally abuse and the fact that I'm so fucking hyper vigilant that grocery stores are by enemy right now and unless I have someone to go with me to all these places I'm too spooked to go and a lot of these places like even the bookstore I've had strange people come up to me and harass me and no one really believes me about that Except for the people who see the footage on the cameras that work at these places but my father and my mother and my sister do not believe me.

But I guess they don't realize that they raised a target.

I am not scary I am a target for people that are awful like that that is what they go after because I'm too fucking nice and I don't know how to be the correct level of assertive or a bitch when I need to.

And then when I'm not even trying to be rude people think I'm being rude and fucking verbally abuse the crap out of me and it's just crazy it's just all crazy and I'm so tired of it

It's weird because when I talk to them you can see it in their body language in their eyes and their faces you can look at the micro expressions and you can tell that they're just disgusted with me and they look like they're ready to like jump me they're always in defense mode as if I have terrorized them on purpose or just in general.

By the way I will be sending you some audio files of me and my father interacting at random points in time and maybe some of my mother.

There's one very long file in particular that's about 15 minutes are close to it and nobody has been able to listen to More than 3 minutes of it but there's some important things like throughout the recording. Like at 1 point my dad is screaming at me and I'm trying to defend myself but I say the opposite thing because I can't even think straight and it makes me sound like I'm the bad guy and during this whole recording the long one I'm standing like across the room holding on to the wall because I just didn't want to use my Walker and my mom is sitting in a chair and my dad is just standing across the room screaming at me and I'm nowhere near either of them like I'm at least 10 feet or more away from both of them.

Also random fact about me I will freak out if I can't have the seat that makes me feel safest in a restaurant. My dad apparently does this too and I have always done it just because I'm scared that something bad is going to happen and I need to see the view of everything so I'd like to sit of the way but still able to lake see what's going on.

I wish there were some sort of like super fucking cool magical device to where I just like plug my brain into someone else's so they could just browse my memories or something like that. Because like talking about trauma andtherapy when you've been traumatized for as long as I have. There's just so many things stacked and stacked instead because it's like weeks and days and months of absolute abuse there was never really a break. I have never felt like I've had a sufficient break or been stress-free long enough to function properly. I mean I was 25 when my parents forced me to get on welfare because at that point in time they couldn't pay for my insurance and they didn't want to contribute their own money outside of welfare to any part of my life because they thought I had all sorts of issues going on and I was some sort of monster and I never did anything monstrous that I can think of. I think they were just pissed that I couldn't work at that point in time that all the jobs at the job office were not suited to me and the way my brain works and they didn't understand this and they thought that I was just being picky and shit like that and it's literally the autism. I'm high-functioning in a certain way that can be passed off as completely normal if I mask well enough. But that's exhausting and I really get to do that. I don't think that my parents understand that being me and having to deal with the symptoms of the disorders that ideal with that it takes a lot of brain power to just go about my day and even get out of bed it's not so much like body energy which is pretty low right now but it's more mental energy.

They have read in depth any of this stuff they they just care about what they want to care about and fuck everybody else.

I don't understand how people go through life just not giving a fuck about their friends and family and then they're in a uproar about other countries when they haven't fixed their own fucking households.

Like yeah we're living in a dystopia I get it.

Also there's been 3 attempts of people trying to get into the pool today hopping the fence and I stepped outside and this large Latino man started yelling at me while his tiny mom pushed him away. All I did was look at them and look at the pool. No words. I don't feel safe here because if people are breaking into the pool then they won't have a problem breaking into cars or apartments or worse. It pisses me off that I can no longer walk around at night safely.

One thing my dad needs to understand is the place he found isn't that great safety wise. I still have to watch my back getting inside and if the walls are so thin there that there was a report of a bullet going through a wall then I'm going to hear neighbors next to me and above me and that will be just as bad.

I am curious if there's any facilities that handle ptsd or cptsd patients like strictly that. Not just veterans. I don't want to be lumped in with addicts no offense to them but they're fucking annoying to be around in psych facilities. Like I've always wanted to just scream at the assholes coming off opiates that they aren't going to fucking die...the withdrawal symptoms are not gonna kill them. Now benzos and alcohol I do understand can kill ppl so I'd be less likely to get pissy at someone struggling with that.

Regardless they all do make me mad because the meds that happen to work for my pain and my anxiety are very hard to get prescribed and those assholes have ruined it for me and others who are more responsible with out medicine.

Idk I wanna scream right now but it's dark and I am not going down to my car to scream and regulate. I'm not going to scare my neighbors by screaming here.

I miss horseback riding. I miss it because it got my adrenaline out and you have to focus on your surroundings and horse. If they feel your anxiety you'll have a bad time. I'd love to find a horse like a draft mix to do simple lessons on even though I do know english dressage and western riding styles. Horses were one of my first special interests.

Idk if I've told you much about my childhood. In regards to my dad the only happy memory that's like a core kid memory I have is him helping me find very tiny frogs outside to put in a jar and he'd release them the next day.

I don't know at what point my memories got foggy and the rest of the good blocked out. I'm not a negative person. I'm just not wired to see as much good as others. I'm hypervigiliant constantly. I don't know how to stop. The only person who has successfully gotten me to chill and sent me to floaty relaxed sub space has been my long distance partner.

Like my mom doesn't realize that I don't let everyone hug me. I asked for a hug the other day because she always bitches and oh no me hugging her was wrong because my body odor wasn't fucking flowers. They can't be pleased and they get mad if I do and mad if I don't and it HURTS because I do want more positive touch but I can't bring myself to it sometimes and sometimes it's literally not trauma but sensory.

There's a lot of days that I don't let Travis hug me.

It's not like anybody is more special than another person and I wish she would understand that it's not anything to do with her specifically it's just like I decide when I do and don't want to be fucking touched.

I mean nobody thinks about the fact that doctors and nurses have had their hands all Uber me growing app and in childhood and I have never really like grown app outside of a fucking hospital or Doctor's office and I am one of those patients where if a doctor needs me to put on a little gown and strip I Don't Care I will just undress in front of them because it's like it's happened so many times that I just turned part of my Brain off and get undressed and put the little Cape on and Wait for them to come back in the room And it's just do people not understand How much my physical privacy and mental privacy and just privacy in general has been invaded and do they not understand that I have been quite literally tortured and raped and held against my will and hit and screamed at and treated like I'm dogshit on the bottom of a shoe?

My mom's father molested me. No one believes me. My uncles blow it off. "Well he's dead now I watched him die the ems people were so bad wahhh I tried to revive him" Yeah my mom was there when he died. I'm sure it's hard for her to understand her father was a monster. The thing that pisses me off most is he had never hurt me before or after that aside from walking into rooms when I was changing.

My grandmother talked about the boogeyman and had an alarm doorstop in her room under the door. She knew.

She knew but no one listened. She had a journal of the abuse. She had money she hid that she told me about that was for me if she never took it and ran. I tried to get the journal from my uncle and explain she'd left her runaway money to me so I could get away from everything. She just never wrote it down in a will. The money that was for me and my sister I never saw a penny. My mom used it.

My dad he's an idiot with stocks. He's an idiot about paying taxes and he was stupid with his inheritance.

Them complaining about paying for my current place is LAUGHABLE because they never ket me leave and made me feel I needed to stay.

1 of my dogs died because my dad wasn't caring for him or checking on him. He was skeletal with cancer or something and I had to watch him be euthanized.

Then my mom took my other dog from my dad's and kept him alive far past what is a good idea. He was dying and when she finally did take him in she waited a fucking week to tell me and I never got his ashes which I would have paid for.

I couldn't bring my dogs with me when I moved out. The only good thing Bonnie ever did was help me get out of my dad's house. I was so nosebleed and unaware that my clothing reeked of dog and cat piss and it was embarrassing at like 30 to learn this. I had to stay in my sister's room because my mattress broke and my dad wouldn't help me get a new one.

No one taught me finances I had to figure out what I could on my own and I still don't understand much other than some obvious stuff

I hate that they were so neglectful. They don't understand this. The type of neglect I had was that they left me alone. They didn't try to connect with me I mean I was a kid not knowing who I was I just said what they said to say.

I don't feel like a person. I feel like I'm trying to run around to sleeping people shouting "wake up" "hey don't you see this is wrong?"

I used to cry in church. I had prediction dreams too that scared the fuck out my teacher in school. I had a priest throw holy water on me. I've had exorcism shit read to me. I cried in church because deep down I knew the scripture was WRONG that God to me was a farce and that it's not needed to have simple good morals and values. The church fucked me up. "Oh you're touched by the holy spirit" no no I was smart enough to not be brainwashed and I knew what was happening was fucking WRONG.

Honestly fuck everyone who has wrecked my brain.

Fuck my overly spooked psychiatrist who is worried ill get dementia or die from med combos.

I could die at any moment from my heart issue.

My life has been mostly a constant hell.

I don't give a fuck if I get dementia or something else that'll kill me at this point. GOOD. Then I'll forget EVERYTHING eventually if I get Dementia. I'm sure it sucks but so far I don't really want to remember anything. People don't understand how horrible ptsd or cptsd really is. They don't understand that currently I see no way put. I'm trying to trust that others see it but I do not.

I've had so many people to tell me to just pick someone and get married to them to get away from my family it's honestly despite the fact that I'm in a polymerous relationship I wish I could find Somebody that I could just marry for the convenience and not have to fuck on principle like a Sugar Baby or fuck maybe I could tolerate that you Know like I'm so Tired I Don't Eve it Know how I would work a Normal job if I was physically able to all of the sudden Because my mind is so exhausted from just being a person or trying to be a person really.

And the most aggravating part of all of this is people are like oh you're depressed and I'm like no not really I just see the reality of everything and I don't have any Justice for what's happened to me and no one is doing anything and I can't do anything so I'm just stuck and there's nothing that can be done that I can see because I've been trying to figure it out since as far as I can remember on how to stay the fuck away from all of these people I don't feel like I was born in the right family I don't feel like I was born with the right body I don't feel like my brain is Correct I don't feel like I belong anywhere

I really hate being very self-aware I really hate being smart sometimes I don't like to be aware of all the stupid shit Sometimes I daydream about being in a coma for several days just so I can get some fucking rest but that's not how science and medical shit works. Plus I could never trust caregivers to actually care give for me if that was an optional thing.

What my parents don't realize they're so up each other's asses and their own about money they don't realize that they are the root of their problems in taking out frustration on me because they cannot afford to financially help me is not OK.

I would love to be financially independent and on top of everything and be able to take all the medicines that I need to take that my Doctor will not prescribe me because he is scared that the medical board will spank him. I don't see a problem with any of it I don't see a problem with literally physically going down to the medical board myself and speaking to them and explaining to them that hey I need them not to fuss at my Doctor because this is how I take my medicine religiously every day my entire life and I have never had any sort of abuse problems I have never had any sort of fucked up shit happening I have never had any breathing issues because of medications combining I am an ultrafast metabolizers so it's unlikely that anything will stay in my body long enough for it to hurt me. I mean my life was better when I had all the medicines I needed. And having ADHD is no fucking picnic. Having OCD coupled with that is not fun having autism added to the pictures not fun havin Severe generalize anxiety and panic disorder which was genetically inherited because both of my grandmothers were like that is not fun and then having PTSD on top of everything and still having promise happened to me at 37 years old it's a bit much so I don't understand why I'm being prevented from taking everything I need to take to function because someone's so scared to get slapped on the wrist by the medical board because people fucking abuse everything and ruin it for people like me that need Certain medicines to function and like be a person.

I wish I didn't have to take anything really but the reality is I'm in hell pain all of the time I've gotten very good at disassociating from it but the other part of the time I have to smoke weed or take some sort of pain medicine or go get a shot in my ass and it's not fun I have hypermobility I have soriatic authorities I had to rebuild every fucking muscle in my body as a child I was on steroids my growth was affected because of that my hands are smaller because of that I'm not sure what else it fucked up I've had multiple surgeries to remove calcification tumors from my body I've had my tubes tied and a uterine ablation and my mother was not there for either one of them and disapproved

I can't even have my dad sit with me at the hospital because if I'm on any sort of meds well I'm there and I try to talk to him or if I'm not even on meds or if I'm crying because I'm in pain he just sits there and yells at me to shut up or he's going to leave

How cruel can someone be like what the fuck

Like I feel like people completely underestimate me because I am a kind person.

The thing is like I don't know where my limit is at on shit that I am able to put up with and have put up with because a lot of things that I've dealt with most people would have tried to fucking kill themselves and have had many doctors tell me that. I've had doctors tell me that people come home from war And have less trouble than I do. I mean I even know a guy that was stacking Russian bodies left and right in the Ukraine he was a volunteer from the United States and I saw what he saw because he would put his GoPro footage on Instagram and it would automatically self-destruct so it was safe to do for him to let people know what was going on and to give signs of life to his friends and family but I guess he was in war mode and did not understand that some of the very graphic things that were there shocked the fuck out of me because I don't think people realize that the war going on over there is So completely censored like we have no clue how bad it is I do I have a clue I've seen it it's horrendous it looksWorse than World War 2 footage and pictures. And then I can't even imagine what gaza looks like and then I mean what kind of lonely tunes country do we live in where we support people who are like fucking killing children.

It's just like I wanted to quit journaling and talking hours ago but it's just my brain doesn't stop and I've thought about maybe it's Mania but it's not it's just trauma it's a trauma response and it's OCD and probably other shit like there's various factors going on here but it's not Mania I've looked at my eyes I don't feel manic I feel scared.

I just feel scared and angry all the time.

I would like to just relax and I can't.

I don't like living alone either that wish I had a partner that was here

I do wish Travis was someone I was attracted to because he would be okay enough

But I'm not and I'm not going to put him through any sort of grief by pretending

He's a good friend and a good chosen brother.

And then all these people that say they're my friends and say they care about me where are they

I can tell when people are getting tired of me too I can tell I'm not stupid I can see it

People don't realize that I can read microwave expressions I can tell if someone is angry by how they're walking I can tell how someone is feeling by just being near them and it's all because of trauma and probably my ability to spot patterns I don't know if that's trauma related too probably everything I mean I have so many I can't even remember them all all the time because it's just 30 fucking 7 years of it

Sometimes I wonder if my father molested me but I can't remember. There's parts of my life that are just completely missing. But there's just parts of my life that when I try to think about it it's just a fog It's like a thick fog or a cloud it's just covering that memory. I don't think he did but it makes me wonder.

I mean I know that people abused me when I was 2 years old I remember that as best I can for my age and how young I was.

I've been terrified of big eyes as long as I can remember when people widen their eyes terrifies me. So I had so many stuffed animals as a kid and I would turn them facing away from me before I would get in bed and go to sleep and my parents thought this was just a funny little quirky thing I did and never really Thought about the fact that there might be a problem.

I mean I was allowed to get online and sure I had limited computer time buthat people still like tried to groom me online. There's many things that I've done because of those creepy people. And I don't know why my parents let me hang out with people they thought were safe And kept me away from the people who were actually good for me to be around

And they're doing the same thing with my sister and I'm watching her fall

Like instead of asking anybody to help her plan out what her wedding is going to be like and getting her shit together she's on Snapchat asking everybody if she should color her hair blue again and it looked awful the first time and everybody just complimented her to appease her

She's had so many friend groups tell her that her vibes are bad and she's just not a good person and they don't wanna be around her bullshit and she acts like such a victim about it and I used to take her side but now I see that she just drives people away was her crap and she needs serious help and I can't do that for her and it breaks my heart because oftentimes I feel like her parent because no one has ever really parented her correctly and I've been the only 1 who is actually fucking trying

I feel like I was more born to be some sort of accessory then an actual child with fucking emotions and autonomy

I don't like the fact that I need to ask my dominant partner so much to take control because I'm so exhausted from dealing with literal psychos.

I have even met this man in person this man has nude photographs of me without my face I don't even care about that too much. If he did have nefarious plans then he would have already done that. We've been knowing each other I think going on 7 years now and Bing Partners for debatable 5 years

It bothers me that I have to ask him for help when it's things that I shouldn't have to ask for help for. I adore him and I adore his help and I adore his dominance and his caring and his after care and everything there's nothing wrong with what he does for me but he shouldn't have to

Like I shouldn't be currently more dependent on him for relief and he knows that because we've both talked about it because we talk about pretty much everything we can.

But he's like an anchor for me

And I know it's bad to make people anchors but I don't have a safe space in the world that I can think of that works as an anchor

I had another person that was an anchor for me in a safe space and that worked out really well until you know they lied to me and their wife fucking called me

And now everybody that knows about that thinks that I'm some sort of homewrecker when it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with that person that I was comfortable with

I really fucking hate Bonnie and Jamie I'm so tired of their existence they don't talk to me anymore but I just don't like the fact that they exist in this same world that I do after all the shit they did and the way I was treated

Like she thought she was my best friend she wasn't even a good friend my best friend wasn't the best friend in the world but she was someone I knew from kindergarten and she actually would come pick me up when my parents were being abusive and I needed to get away for the evening

She knew and she understood because her parents were the same but they wouldn't act out if I was around but Kelly wouldn't come to my house because it was so nasty smelling

And I miss my dead idiot drug addict best friend I miss her

Her kids don't even remember me so I can't even really go visit them and I've seen pictures of them and they look just like her and it hurts so much

And I miss the love of my life that is fucking dead his Ashes are in some lake somewhere and all I want to do is just climb into the lake and be there and not leave

I miss my grandmothers they gave a fuck about me.

I should have just asked to live with them and then maybe my dad's mom might have lived longer

I need them and they're all dead

Is so tired of grieving everything

It's a part of grieving people and places at the saves in my life I'm tired of grieving my own life that I haven't even had a chance to live

I don't get invited to hang out with the adorable little groups of chicks that dress up in costumes and parade around New Orleans that I was once part of a friend group with

People don't remember my birthday even even my partner has forgotten my birthday

Travis has been the first person to actively remember recently

I get more and more anxious and freaked out the closer it gets to my birthday in October and it happens every fucking year

There's not been one celebration in my life that hasn't gone just insane or ignored

And my birthday is important to me it really is because it means that I've survived

And people just think I'm big and Brad told me oh they don't celebrate their own birthdays why should I get a celebration

I spent an entire day with Travis looking for a birthday cake for my sister for her birthday after she got engaged

I found one and she didn't even eat the entire slice of it and then add a tantrum when I asked if I could keep an extra piece of cake since she didn't seem to like it even though that's exactly what she requested and I had somebody who was ready to leave work put little hearts all over it and decorated and shit and paid a little bit extra so they would do it but no 1 cares about that

No she sat in the living room and antagonized me into an argument so my parents could yell and then I watched her smile she has always done this she gets off on hurting me and I've seen my parents say awful things 21 another and me and then smile afterwards like this sick fuck smirk

I don't even know how my parents stayed married for so long because they didn't even date for longer than like 9 months before they got married I think it was much shorter than that I think they met and Gott married always in like 1 year

That's crazy to me that's wild

[themidgardlibrary]

Oh lord. I actually had no idea how deep this went. I actually used to be friends with him before he went into gamer gate stuff (during which I distanced myself from him because like, uh, goober grape and while he'd always tried to do well by me he was in with a bad crowd and that was leading to some really not great acting out against people and I was scared) and I lost track of him, but eventually learned he was involved with the KPP meme. I had no idea that he got chased around the internet like this. I thought it was just something people brought up on his discourse posts.

If you exclude the Goober grape stuff, he'd always been a fairly decent guy to me? And like he'd tried to stick up for some people when it was clear they were too skittish to do it for themselves. He was trying to be fair, and he was doing his best. I think that had he not gotten caught up in the GG stuff he'd have just kept improving.

His defense of men as people, and rightly so, is probably what got him nabbed into the GG stuff, too, because a lot of people put it forward as defending against an attack on men, and in feminist circles any defense of men for literally any reason was shat all over. He also cared a lot about video games (many games were his special interests, and he cared a lot about them as art and narratives) and what I saw him arguing about most on twitter was the content of games, not the 'it's about ethics in game journalism [Proceeds to accuse all women game journalist of being violent whores]' side of things.

I've seen a lot of people who fell into GG stuff because of the general "We're standing up for men, while the feminists are saying men are evil!" message. A lot of guys I know, including (sometimes egg) trans guys, either fell into or narrowly avoided groups like GG and the stereotypical MRA groups because so much about popular feminism was "Well yeah, men experience [thing] too, but it doesn't count because women experience it as well and it's WORSE when women suffer than when men suffer" and "Men are the reason the patriarchy exist, so it's cool and good to hate all men rather than the patriarchy, while men experience harm from the patriarchy it doesn't matter, surely the fast that men are being harmed by the patriarchy is a bug rather than intended design".

Like, I need to stress that I am not excusing his part in a hate movement, or anyone else's, but it's just... It's really sad to know that a lot of people who WANTED to do well by others got snagged up by hate groups all because the discourse at the time over-corrected to "yeah, actually, let's hate all men, or at least reinforce to them that their pain is actually meaningless" when it should have been more multifaceted like it seems to be today.

I understand that to get there we needed to go through that awkward phase to get to where we are today, and to get through where we are today to reach a more equitable situation in the future, but it's frustrating that so many people were pushed into hate groups that disguised themselves as proper advocacy all because we DID actively say shit like "male suicide doesn't matter, because even if it's statistically less likely, women's suicide is worse" and "it doesn't matter that men get raped too, both because it is usually done by other men, and because women report higher rape percentages than men who are outside of prison".

(Note: I do understand that the "Men being raped doesn't matter" thing happened in no small part because so-called MRA folks went around citing prison rape statistics as why women (outside of prison, still having comparable rape statistics to men who were in prison) were not a special demographic for rape. I'm still frustrated that a lot of us fell for the goad and over-corrected into 'well men's rape doesn't matter' instead of 'Hey, this conversation is about women's rape statistics. You are free to start a conversation about the absolute state of men's rape in prisons, especially if you're talking in the context of prison abolition, but not only are you derailing, but you're trying to equate the life of a male prisoner in a corrupt and inherently violent penal institution to the day to day life of the average woman and that is a false equivalence'. A lot of the problem is that social media does not lend itself to nuance, and also that radfems were poisoning the well and dominating the discussions at the time, and that stance made a lot of women feel vindicated and in the right because when you're shit all over for a long time, anything that makes you feel powerful and important compared to the group of people doing you the most dirty, well, it's a siren's call.)

A lot of people got hurt and radicalised by bad actors because of the lack of nuance in the discussions at the time, and I wish sometimes there was a way to go back in time and just have a discussion with people and let them know "hey yeah both the popular feminist side of things and the supposed MRA side of things are being pulled around by bad actors, please understand that there is more nuance here and that people in general in the feminist side of things are going to get better at understanding that no gender is inherently good or bad" and just, show them things with the benefit of hindsight.

Regardless of all the above, I hope he's doing okay. He really did want to do well by other people, and I know some amazing people who were either pulled into the same toxic groups he was, or who only barely escaped who have later in life come to see the complexity of situations. I hope he's found peace and has come to see the nuance in things. I hope that he is happy. (As a note: To anyone who insists "That's not how feminists were talking at all!"?

God I wish I could be so ignorant of these discussions as you are. I, as an agender person, remember them so clearly. People would unironically say "Kill all men!" on both twitter and tumblr and use women's rape statistics as an excuse, or say "we're just venting, lol!", and to say shit like "All men means ALL men" when a trans man or gay man asked if they were included in the statement.

I remember being torn between how I actually felt - like feminists had great points, but also some people standing up for men ALSO had great points, and that it felt like things were somewhere in between and that common ground could lead us forward - and how I was told was the 'right' way to feel - that women are the most marginalised people who must be defended at all costs, even if it's unfair to other people, even if what's being said turns out to be really racist or homophobic or ableist because women are *sooooo* victimised guys you don't understand!

It was not a fun time, and due to the intersection of my various interests, I saw incredibly violent rhetoric from ALL over the belief spectrum. If you genuinely think the things I'm talking about never happened, then I would wish I could trade places with you were it not for the fact that I needed to see all of these things to finally reach the point I'm at today. I hurt people I cared about because I was surrounded by this shit. I let people get away with outright harassment because everyone around me was telling me that it was Good to hate men, actually, and I so *desperately* wanted to be good. I even encouraged terrible philosophies because I wanted nothing more than to be in the right, and to NOT encourage these philosophies would mean admitting I'd done wrong, that the people I CARED about had done wrong, and accepting that I'd based some parts of my personality off of faulty reasoning.

I regret that time so much. I regret who I surrounded myself with. And I regret that I couldn't see through the bullshit and reach a hand out to others who were being radicalised and help them see things weren't a case of 'woman good' or 'man bad' like the discussions often ran into. There are so many things I wish I could redo, and I envy you for never having experienced these things.)

How far we've fallen that kung pow penis is no longer just a very specific thing used to piss off one very racist guy, we can't just kung pow penis anyone it's not right, it has context

[miekasa]

random armin/mikasa/jean headcanons (college au)

↯ pairing: armin x (fem) reader, mikasa x (fem) reader, jean x (fem) reader

↯ genres and warnings: college au, fluff, lets see how many times i can mention eren in writing that has absolutely nothing to do with him

↯ notes: this.... probably won’t be a regular thing, i don’t know that i can consistently continue writing for them, but this sure was fun and reminded me that i actually have feelings for someone other than levi :// didn’t ask for that, but here we are

ARMIN ARLERT

Would most likely get pretty good grades, but he can definitely be lazy about it and hear me out.

If it’s a class that he likes and is genuinely interested in (which is the majority of them), he’s going to put in the work—sometimes too much work—to make sure he’s doing well. He usually studies very meticulously, and stays on top of his game throughout the semester.

But if it’s one of those bs classes the university makes you take, or some kind of stupid elective that was the only course that could fit into his schedule? Well, Armin is smart enough to bullshit his way through anything, so he’s not going to exert himself for a class he doesn’t even care about. 

Oh, and he’s very vocal about complaining to you about said bullshit courses. (Completely justified, go off king).

“I swear sometimes the TA just lowers marks randomly to ‘keep the class average.’ Granted, I didn’t really study for the quiz, so I wasn’t expecting a stellar grade or anything, but I know they do that sometimes.” “Well, babe, why didn’t you study.” “Because I hate it, (Y/N).”

Like I said, takes school seriously and tries his best; but even he knows he doesn’t have to be at 100% all the time. It’s also kind of a flex how smart he is and how much he can get by on doing the absolute bare minimum.

Poor Connie is studying his ass off for their shared elective and Armin barely looked at the first page of the textbook, and he’ll probably get a 90 anyways.

Imagine he’s so caught up with his other classes, he actually forgets about a midterm for his stupid elective, and at first he’s freaking out, so you kind of have to remind him of who tf he is. You finally get him to relax and he blinks at you, “Oh right, I didn’t study because I didn’t have to haha nice.” 

Helps you prepare for presentations by letting you practice them in front of him. Actually gives good feedback, but sometimes he’s just watching you and not really listening.

Sometimes, you have to be the one to remind him to take a step back and take care of himself, before his schoolwork. He doesn’t like to worry you, and likely feels guilty when he sees you walking up to him in the library at 2am; so he won’t fight you on it, and just lets you help him pack up all his stuff and head home for the day.

Likes head massages. Maybe sometimes has faked a little bit of a headache to get you to massage his head and play with his hair. He’ll never tell.

If you rub his cheek while he’s laying on top of you, he will knock out like a baby. Almost immediately. It’s a surefire way to get him to go to sleep.

Schedules dates with you, and plans them out meticulously. Sometimes gets playful and sends you a whole ass e-vite.

“Armin, why do I have an email invitation for our date to the library?” “So that you don’t forget, of course.” “How could I forget, it’s later today, and you’re literally helping me study for my midterm.” “With popcorn!”

Probably the type to get a job on campus. You and your friends come to visit him when he’s on shift and annoy him. He secretly likes it.

Oh, he’s kind of shady. Scratch that, can be very shady. He complains about school to you, but also just complains to you in general; he doesn’t outwardly do that a lot, but you’re his confidant.

Sometimes you get surprised and call him out on it and you’re like “Oh my god, Armin, the poor girl didn’t mean to mess up the project,” and he’s like “Well. Sometimes people are idiots and it has to be said.”

Has a bad habit of rolling his eyes and he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. “Did you just roll your eyes at me.” “I don’t know, did I?” Bye.

His hands are always covered in some kind of ink/markings. Accidental brushes of his pens, streaks from his highlighters or markers, a little bit of lead from his pencil along the side of his palm.

Speaking of which, he strikes me as the kind of guy to keep a bullet journal. Not necessarily decked out and fancy with Polaroids and extravagant fonts; but definitely neat, and decorated to some extent, depending on how he’s feeling. It makes him feel organized.

He would pencil in important dates and markers of your relationship into said journal. “Friday night: museum date—remember to buy the tickets in advance.”

If anyone is going to buy, wash, peel, and cut up fruit for you, it’s going to be Armin.

Lowkey tutoring all of his friends, and might be the sole reason that Connie hasn’t dropped out yet. He likes tutoring you the most, though. 

Get this, sometimes he asks you to tutor him, even if he knows damn well he doesn’t need it. Maybe he’ll even sign up for a stupid elective if it’s a class you’ve taken before, just to have an excuse to get you to teach him something. 

Likes trying new things with you. He might not always like the new things that you try, but he’s open to trying them at least once. Well… most things anyways. Just don’t ask him to get up at dawn and go jogging with you.

I genuinely cannot tell if he would be a morning person or not. Maybe mid-morning. Probably not a rise-and-shine at 6am kind of guy, but is up by at least 10:00am every day. Very cute when he’s groggy though, and stumbles around a bit like a baby deer when he first gets up, especially if he’s hungry.

He likes to bike. And really likes when you go on bike rides with him. As long as you both are on your own bikes, you learned the hard way that tandem biking isn’t cut out for you.

Knows that all-nighters aren’t good for you, but sometimes you have to pull them anyways. If you both have a lot to get done, he’ll stay up with you and make sure you both take breaks and drink water.

Can twirl his pens in that really fast and fancy way, and can do the thing where he rolls it between all his fingers too. I’ll let you think bout the implications of that for yourself.

He likes watching cartoons, and reels you into all his favorites. Definitely likes to stay in on weekends watching cartoons with you and just chilling.

Will go to a party with you if you ask, or if his friends are hosting, but nothing beyond that. You didn’t hear this from me, but he’d probably like to smoke more than drink.

Sometimes you think he needs a break and you commission Eren to take him out for the night, but Armin still comes back looking more composed than him. A little sleepy and maybe a bit out of it, but not sloshed, much to your disappointment. “Eren, you really couldn’t have tried to be more a bad influence?? I was counting on you!!”

Eren’s confused, like, “Did you want me to get him white boy wasted??” “Yeah, kinda!! It’s what he deserves every once in a while. Ugh, next time I’m calling in Sasha, she knows how to drink.”

By the way, if you’re dating Armin, you’re kind of dating (or at least babysitting) Eren too. Or vice versa. Either way, they will also go on dates without you. (“Hanging out. We’re hanging out, and I’m tutoring him so he doesn’t fail Biology, (Y/N).” “Likely story, ocean eyes.”)

Can be touchy in a very absentminded way. He’ll reach out to play with your ears/earrings, habitually rub at your shoulders if you’re standing in front of him, mindlessly toy with the ends of your clothing. Half the time he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, he’s so cute.

Plays one sport—is on the soccer team. It keeps him busy, and forces him to focus on something that isn’t academics once in a while. He’s pretty good at it, too; he and Eren make a good team when they play together.

You and Eren tried to get him to join the baseball team too. Eren, because he likes playing with Armin. You, because, well… the uniforms. He would look so good in the uniform.

MIKASA ACKERMAN

Makes her classes look like a breeze, even though it’s at least 300 pages of reading and writing per week.

Kind of gives me Elle Woods “What, like it’s hard?” kind of vibes when it comes to schoolwork. You’re in awe of how she just did 75 pages of reading with a tiny ass font in one sitting, and she just blinks at you like “Was it supposed to be difficult?”

Speaking of which, she likes to read in general; for leisure, outside of her school work. She’ll recommend you books, too. If you don’t like to read, she’ll still try and rope you in with shorter stories, or just read them aloud to you herself. 

Sits at a table across from you while you both do your schoolwork independently. It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a quiet, almost implicit sense of intimacy that she really likes.

Bundles you up when it’s cold, and won’t take no for an answer. You will wear a hat, whether you like it or not.

Always prepared—and by that I mean, she carries things on her that she realizes you might need. Tissues, extra pens, an extra pair of mittens. She strikes me as the kind of person to pay attention to details like those.

Likes to walk you to class, even if her class is very far away from your building. She doesn’t mind.

On that note, she knows your schedule pretty well, where it pertains to classes and personal interests.

If you’re the type of person who can slack off or even just get caught up in other things when it comes to school work, she’ll be there to keep you on track and hold you accountable. Usually through setting aside times to study with you, but can even be through small things like asking you how your assignment is going.

(Nevermind that you completely forgot about the assignment, and hadn’t even started it—but that’s the point; she knew that).

Hear me out: holding pinkies. Maybe not when you’re walking, but when you’re seated next to each other. The longer you’re together, the more likely she is to initiate it, too.

Would rather study at home/in her apartment than in the library, but if you like to study there, she can compromise a few days out of the week.

Makes you playlists, and they’re usually really good, because she knows you so well. Sometimes she gets cute and customizes the cover art to a picture of the both of you.

She’s your ride or die, so if you complain to her about a prof you don’t like or a TA you don’t think is fair she’s 100% on your side. She might not always be able to do anything about it, but she’ll definitely let you complain to her.

Texts you throughout the day to check up on you, but usually disguised through other questions. Asks what you want/had for lunch when she’s really checking to make sure you ate. Asks you what time your lectures end, just to make sure you didn’t skip it (again). Asks you what time you’re going to be done studying to make sure you don’t stay up all night cramming again.

Takes a genuine interest in your courses, and absolutely loves to listen to you talk about them.

If your classes are vastly different, she’ll still try and help you however she can, even if it’s only in small ways, like proofreading something for you.

Doesn’t use emojis alot, so your contact doesn’t have a bunch of hearts next your name on anything. But she does put your last name in as Ackerman. 

Has social media, but mostly uses it to keep up with her friends, and you. You’re in most of the few pictures that she does post, and she might not say it, but she really likes it when you post photos of/with her. 

Not sure why, but I think she’d be a pretty decent artist if she tried. That trend of doing glass paintings on TikTok? I think she’d be into that, and would plan out the whole thing as a date with you.

Keeps up with all your favorite shows to talk about or watch them with you. Sometimes she’ll purposely miss a few episodes so that she can spend the night and marathon them with you.

Likes to stay in and drink cheap wine and just watch or talk about whatever with you. You could watch a terrible show just to laugh and comment on it the entire time and she would be so happy. 

Doesn’t like to sit down on public transportation, and honestly would rather you didn’t either, but she’s not going to stop you from taking a seat. If you’re sitting, she’ll stand in front of/over you, and always keeps wire headphones long enough for you to share music that way.

The most insufferable human when she’s sick and she knows it. She hates being sick. And she knows you shouldn’t be around her or else you might get sick but she also just wants you to hold her. (You do).

Likes to sleepover at your place. Talks with you about your day while you lay down. Always smells good. Very cuddly when sleepy. 10/10.

Hates the act of doing her laundry, but likes doing it with you. Lowkey starts buying and using the same detergent and fabric softener as you because it makes her smell like you.

Gets very embarrassed if you kiss her in public. Very red in the cheeks, it’s kind of cute, so I wouldn’t blame you if you did it on purpose.

JEAN KIRSTEIN

Jean is… quite smart, if you ask me. Or, at the very least, analytical, which can be applied to a variety of academic settings.

The only thing is, he’s incredibly lazy about it. He wants to do well in school, and can definitely pull himself together for a midterm or an exam; but is horrible at keeping pace with all his other work and assignments on a regular basis.

He also can’t sit still, which is why even though he is very kind and chivalrous and brings many snacks to your study sessions, he is also competing for number one worst study partner. Right next to Eren and Sasha.

Gets pouty when you tell him you don’t want to study with him. “But… but… but I brought snacks! And bubble tea!” “Yes, but you also have the attention span of a rabbit, Jean.”

At the end of the day he understands… that doesn’t mean he’s not going to be bitter about it LOLOL. It’s fine, you can make it up to him by hanging out with him afterwards.

Is, like, classically trained in at least two instruments because his mom put him in lessons as a child. He used to hate it growing up, and he doesn’t practice much now, so he never talks about it.

One day you happen to mention something about comparing two songs, telling him they remind you of each other but you don’t know exactly why or why, and very nonchalantly he’s like, “They sound similar because they share the same major chord in the chorus, and they’re in the same key.” 

And you just kind of blink at him like, “Okay, Beethoven. How. How did you know that.”

Once you realize he can, like, actually play the piano and violin really well you’re always begging him to play for you. It doesn’t happen often—it’s not like he owns a violin anymore and he certainly doesn’t have a grand piano in his shitty college apartment—but sometimes you sneak into the music room when it’s empty and he’ll play something for you.

He’s a romantic at heart, so he doesn’t mind, and if anything kind of enjoys you watching him play. It’s much better than playing for random parents in a recital. You’re dead if you ever mention it to any of his friends though.

Also not a frat boy, but definitely likes to party. Everything with reason. If he crushed a midterm on Thursday, he deserves to throw back a few beers on Friday night, you know?

Touchy when he’s drunk. Well, touchier than normal; he’d be the most affectionate out of every one on a regular basis. But he’s touchy and messy when he’s drunk, so he’s all over you.

Messy, but happy. All smiles and giggles and red cheeks, with his arm around your shoulder, boasting you anybody who will listen about his super hot girlfriend.

He and Eren throw the best parties when they team up together. (Only slightly related, but those two, when drunk together, could probably pass as a couple; they’re so uncharacteristically happy, and affectionate. You may or may not be keeping some photo and video evidence of Eren and Jean drunk cuddling).

Sends you videos when you’re in the middle of class. And only then. He plans it to be annoying. Because he is annoying.

Also always sending you those in-messsage games while you’re in the middle of lecture or studying. “PLEASE play virtual pool with me!! I’ll even let you win one round!!” “I AM TRYING TO LEARN!!” “LEARN LATER 😡😡😡”

A fucking fiend in your Instagram comments. It’s a miracle none of them have been removed or reported for inappropriate content. Replies to OTHER people’s comments complimenting YOU!! He’s so much

@sashabraus: aww you look so cute @youruser!! that color looks so good on you 💕 @jeannotjean: omg omg tysm @sashabraus 😊 i picked it myself @youruser: SHE WAS TALKING TO ME @jeannotjean!!! ME!!! @jeannotjean: @youruser you have no proof 🙄 @youruser: SHE USED MY @!!!! GET OUT OF MY COMMENTS!!! @jeannotjean: you’re so hot when you yell at me via insta comments 🥵🥵🥵 would it be better if i slid into your dm’s instead 😫😫😉 @youruser: @jeannotjean BLOCKED!! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!!

You try explaining your coursework to him and he’s just looking at you with puppy dog eyes like, “I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about, babe, but you look hot while doing it, so, please, continue.”

He’s another cocky annoying bastard (endearing). Always tilting you head up to look at him and smirk at you. Pisses you off just to put his arm around your shoulder and be like, “It’s okay, I know you love me anyways.” Winks at you in public just to embarrass you. He’s the worst. The worst.

King of picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder for absolutely no reason at all.

He lowkey wants to get an ear piercing and uses you to talk him into it. “Don’t you think I’d look hot with a piercing? I think I would.” “You would look good regardless, Jean. So, do it if you want to.” “Right. But, like.... do you think I would look hot.”

For as annoying and cocky as he can be, the second you actually genuinely tell him you think he’s attractive or talented or whatever, he gets kind of shy. It’s very cute. 

Likes trying new restaurants with you, even though he really should stop spending all his money on food. Sometimes trying new restaurants means ordering from a new place, but it’s whatever, you know.

Honestly… the two of you would probably have a ridiculously high Uber Eats bill. You really should go outside and, like, be people every once in a while LOLOL

Okay, but it’s mostly Jean’s fault. For as much as he likes to party, and doesn’t mind hosting a party, he doesn’t do much beyond that. He hangs out with his/your friends, and with you, obviously, but he’s not the kind of guy to have his weekend booked up all the time.

He would much rather stay in with you, and talk trash about his stupid group project partners, and lay on your stomach and try to teach you how to play his favorite video games.

Spoiler: he fucking lies and/or leaves out key parts of the gameplay!! Just so he can crush you and laugh about it!! Annoying, but you’re the one keeping him around, so, who can you really blame but yourself.

[gingercauldron]

Quiet Brilliance (Spencer Reid x BAU! Reader)

A/N: Here is my offering to the Criminal Minds fandom. Also this is my first time really writing fanfic? Just really wanted to have Spencer impressed by the reader and fall in love with them. So I hope you enjoy!! This is totally not an excuse to somehow make random stuff I’ve read about relevant in BAU cases lol

Pairing: Spencer Reid x BAU! Reader

Synopsis: Spencer notices how intelligent you really are, as well as how shy you are about it. He can’t stop thinking about you, your brilliance, and how much he just wants to hold you.

Warnings: None really, just fluff, and normal Criminal Minds content

Wordcount: 1.9k

No one in the BAU seemed to give you enough credit.

Not that it was their intention, of course, but Dr. Spencer Reid could not help but notice all of the times that your quiet brilliance went by as unremarkable. He might have had an eidetic memory, carrying a labyrinthine of facts and figures in his head - but you knew things that even he had not come across. He could tell that you were a researcher, that you would explore through files for knowledge because you wanted to.

When Spencer would pull a fact or statistic out of the air, you would be listening raptly. On several occasions you would scribble something down afterwards, and it made Spencer’s heart swell. This was how he first became so attuned to you when you joined the team. After that, he made sure to observe you.

He noticed that you would duck your head into files of each case, going through detail after detail with a furrowed brow. You would write in a frantic scrawl on post-it notes as a cue to do further research.

The most endearing part of it all, was that you would do the same thing even if there wasn’t a case. You would carry a tome with you, with the tails of post-it flaps coming out the side, each one crowded with writing. You were smart, Spencer learned, and he wondered why it wasn’t seen as big of an asset as it truly was to the team.

At first he could pretend that his interest was merely for the good of the team, learning more about you and what you were capable of. Obviously you were hired for a reason, likely your careful observations and sharp psychological profiling — but there was so much more. Spencer was finding it harder to pretend that this interest was not at all motivated by the affection that was developing for you.

He had three PhDs and was the so-called “resident genius,” but he wondered if you could give him a run for his money. The thing was, because you were quiet and private, he didn’t know — and that in itself was exciting.

On one case where you were observing the body at the scene, a particularly strange case where the jaw of the victim had swelled with tumors, you quickly told everyone to back up.

“What is it?” Hotch asked.

“It looks like possible radiation poisoning because of how localized the tumors are — like the unsub had the victim consume radium.” You said. “I could be wrong, of course. We could check her teeth.”

“Teeth?” Morgan asked.

Spencer quickly replied. “Radium has properties that make it glow in the dark, it was used as a novelty for that reason well into the 1970’s before restrictions were placed on it, actually. If the victim had been ingesting radium it is possible her teeth might glow. In 1938 a case was settled where a group factory workers sued their employment because they had been encouraged to lick paintbrushes covered in radium in the course of their work, resulting in massive tumours around the neck and jaw.”

“And the factory workers had tumours like this?” Hotch asked. He was asking Spencer now, not you.

“Remarkably similar.” Spencer replied.

Spencer glanced at you, but it didn’t seem to bother you that he had jumped in. In fact, the only that seemed to be upsetting to you was the fact that the unsub was on the loose.

“I’ll call some radiologists in.” Hotch said, already lifting the phone to his ear.

It turned out, that you were right. It was in fact radium, and you made sure that the team was safe by telling them to keep their distance from the body. The radiation levels on the body were dangerous.

On the plane home from that case Spencer had sat beside you, and he couldn’t stop thinking about your astute observation. You smiled up at him when he settled next to you, looking back down at the book in your lap.

“Hey, Y/N?”

You looked back up at him. “Yeah, Spencer?”

“That was a good catch with the radium.”

“Oh, that. Thank you.” You beamed. “But you would have caught it if I hadn’t.”

Would he? With all of the gruesome things he had seen they all morphed together, he wasn’t sure that he would have jumped to radium, of all things, as quickly as you had. That he would have been as cautious in avoiding the body to investigate if you hadn’t said something.

“I mean it. It was good catch. It was pretty brilliant, actually.”

“Thanks, Spence.” You said softly.

He knew he should let you get back to your book that was covered in post-it notes, but there was a thought that kept nagging at him. “Y/N?” He said again.

“Yeah?”

“Did it — did I overstep when you were telling the team about the radiation? Because if I did—”

“No, I got to stop you there. You helped. I’d rather not have the attention.”

He furrowed his brow, but didn’t say anything more, letting you return to your book.

After that it seemed that the rest of the team was starting to pick up on your fierce intelligence, too. It was hard to ignore the books you carried with you, but Spencer thought it would have been impossible to not notice you. Not just because you were utterly beautiful, but because everything about your mind was captivating.

Morgan remarked on it when you found a pattern in the artwork of a string of victims’ homes. The artwork looked nothing alike, but you picked it up.

“This painting.” You said, pointing at it. “It’s German expressionist.”

“Okay?” Morgan said.

“It could be nothing, but the last victim had a print of German artwork in their home — it was from the dada movement — but they’re both from the same time period. The other two victims had books on the Bauhaus — an influential German design school that operated between the first and second world wars.” You explained. “I wouldn’t have said anything, but the average joe wouldn’t have German post-World War One art. All of our victims are interested in the same time period for art — seems like too much of a coincidence.”

Morgan stared at you.

“What?” You asked sheepishly.

“Did Reid just possess you for a moment there? How’d you know all that?”

You shrugged and changed the subject. “I’ll call Garcia and see if she can connect the victims through local art groups or galleries.”

Morgan stared at you as you walked off, phoning Garcia. Spencer came up beside him and squinted at the painting on the wall.

“I think I know how the victims might be connected.” Spencer said to Morgan, analyzing the painting.

“The art?”

Spencer looked at Morgan in surprise. “You know about German art?”

Morgan snorted and shook his head. He gestured to you. “Y/N is calling up Garcia right now. Can’t imagine how she knew anything about it.”

Spencer furrowed his brow. “I knew it, though.”

“Exactly.” Morgan patted Spencer’s shoulder and left to talk to Hotch.

You put the phone down and turned noticing Spencer looking at you. You smiled when you saw him. He loved the way you smiled at him, as if he was the only other person in the entire world. He felt his heart rate increase and new, scientifically speaking, that he was completely infatuated with you.

“Garcia found a connection.” You told him.

You said nothing to him of the connections you had made first, but it made him appreciate the fact that he knew all the more. You downplayed your accomplishments. He wanted nothing more than to be by your side so that he could learn about every one of them.

Rossi noticed during a case, when Spencer was reading one of the unsub’s journals. Flipping through the book quickly and absorbing the information.

“Hard to believe the kid can read that fast sometimes.” Rossi said to you. “He reads 20,000 words per minute.”

“It’s over 60 times the norm. He’s pretty amazing.” You said back.

“The norm?”

You nodded. “Yeah, average adult reads between 200 to 300 words per minute, he reads around 333 words per second.”

“You some kind of whiz kid, too?” Rossi asked.

You scoffed. “Hardly. I just read a lot.”

“So does Reid.”

“You know what I mean.” And with that you left Rossi, effectively stopping the conversation.

Spencer smiled, having overheard you two. Whether you wanted to or not, you would slip little bits of information that show just how much you were thinking. You couldn’t hide your mind completely, and Spencer couldn’t stop thinking about what conversations would ensue in just spending a day with you alone.

Your voice saying he’s pretty amazing kept playing in his head and he could feel his face flush. Did you know how that sounded? You thought he, of all people, was amazing - not his brain, or his skills, but him. Did you mean it to sound like that?

Rossi turned to Spencer. “You know your face is red.” He said.

Spencer stared at Rossi, but he couldn’t make his mouth form any words. A grin spread across Rossi’s face, reading Spencer like a book.

“It’s okay Doctor, I won’t tell anyone.” Rossi said, and got back to his own work.

The rest of the day Spencer could hardly focus on anything, constantly aware of where you were in the bullpen - or distracted when you left the bullpen to see Garcia because that meant you were gone. He tried to keep his head down and look at evidence, but you were so close and you thought that he was pretty amazing, and it was nearly impossible to think about anything else. By the time he felt satisfied enough with the work he had done that day to maybe pack up it was already dark out.

Spencer saw you reading at your desk in the bullpen. Everyone had gone home already, but you were there scribbling notes down. When Spencer neared your desk he saw the book, a book he had been reading two days ago.

You looked up and smiled at him in surprise, with those dazzling eyes of yours. You pushed your hair behind your ear and all that Spencer could think about was what it would feel like to touch.

“Hi, Spence.” You said. “What’s up?”

Spencer swallowed, and his world came to a standstill. The words came out of his mouth before he could stop them. “I think I love you.” His eyes suddenly went wide when he realized what he had said.

He turned around on his heel and rushed towards the door. He could hear your chair scratch against the floor and you called out.

“Spencer!”

He stilled, his hand on the door. He wanted to run, to get as far away and hopefully have you forget about it and not lose your friendship. He never wanted to disappoint you or make you uncomfortable, but he couldn’t turn his back on you either. He turned his head slowly, afraid to see your face.

You didn’t look angry. You had a small shy smile on your face.

“I think I love you, too.”

He dropped his hand from the door. “You do?”

You nodded. “I do.”

He laughed, feeling giddy. “I can’t stop thinking about you.” He confessed. “About your kindness and your brilliance, and just, you. I just — can I kiss you?”

“Why, Dr. Spencer Reid, I would like nothing more.”

That was all he needed before he was across the room, holding your face in his hands and kissing you. Spencer, with his eidetic memory, could not remember having ever been so happy.

[sideofmango]

HOT TOMALES! I just got a great idea for a request! Bakugo, Fatgum, Sero, and Hawks hcs of them with a black!fem!s/o but she has a Galaxy quirk. It gives her purple blue eyes with stars and constellation pupils that changes when she blinks, she blushes stardust and mini stars, has sparkly tears, and her quirk allows her to use black holes, comet like projectiles, and she can make mini stars and planets appear from her energy along with spreading stars and constellation like freckles all over her body. (I saw these gorgeous art designs and I couldn’t help myself. I do not own the art, they are just inspiration to me for this request 😭✨)

“She’s Out of This World” - Headcannons

Pairings: bakugou, fatgum, sero, and hawks x black!fem! reader Pronouns: she/her Warnings: none...besides a few curse words (cough...bakugou...cough)

Thanks for another great request <3

He definitely was NOT looking forward to the new foreign student joining the class when Aizawa first announced it

But then you stepped through the oversized doorway and he very obviously did a double take

Bakubitch was seeing stars...literally...you were flustered and blushing stardust

Bakugou thought that you were hot and your quirk was cool...though he would NOT admit it

He was definitely overly aggressive towards you when you met each other because bby boi didn’t know how to express his feelings

Hi crush grew when he saw you wouldn’t take his shit and you talked back...(he thought that was hot as fuck)

“Hey (y/n)-chan?” Midoriya asked from his seat, his half burnt journal out as he held a pen in his hand. His green eyes were wide as he looked you over before scribbling things down

Bakugou wasn’t saying anything and was pretending to be on his phone but he would look up every so often to see if you found Deku as annoying as he did

He was kinda bummed when he saw you didn’t

“What’s up Midoriya?” You asked back as Midoriya looked back up at you, loosing his train of thought when he saw the constellations in your eyes change and shooting stars in the purple-blue orbs when you blinked or got excited.

“C-can you make stars and planets and stuff?” He asked after a pause. This caught the explosive blonde’s attention as he watched you smile and nod.

“Yeah...do you want me to do it now?” Everyone nodded in response to your question, their eyes now focusing on you.

A mini galaxy began to appear above your hands, a small smile on your face as you looked at everyone’s excited and impressed faces.

“Woah! You’re really hot!” Mineta said, catching you off guard as your eyes widened and you cheeks became covered in stardust, a shooting star appearing above your head.

“T-thanks.” You grew even more flustered as some of the other boys agreed

Bakugou glared daggers at Mineta for breathing near you, so the fact that he talked to you was pissing him off even more

Mineta’s ass got BEAT after school and the next day Mineta wouldn’t even look at you

You caught the satisfied smirk on Bakugou’s face that he tried to hide when he saw Mineta practically piss his pants

“You know you could just talk to me...” You said from your seat behind Bakugou with a small laugh as Bakugou tried to hide his quickly reddening cheeks

He LOVES to talk about you and show you off, even if not a lot of people get to see you together because y’all are pro-heros

Will definitely talk everyone’s ears off when given the chance about how cool your galaxy quirk is and how strong and powerful you are to the point where some of his friends are convinced you aren’t real because they haven’t seen you together

No one questions him anymore after you joined him and his two interns on patrol when they spotted you after you had just finished your own patrol

“Excuse me.” You looked down when you felt a small tug at your belt, seeing a little girl with pigtails and warm brown eyes.

“Hi sweetheart.” You smiled widely at the girl as you kneeled to her level, noticing the doll of you in her arms and the small stars that were drawn on her cheeks.

“I wanna be just like you when I grow up! I already told my mommy!” The little girl told you excitedly as a woman who looks like the older version of the little girl in front of you smiles at you with a hand on the girl’s shoulder.

“I think you’ll make a great hero one day.” You told her as her eyes seemed to shine in adoration. Her little hand touched the stars on your cheek as she mumbled about how pretty it was.

“Thank you.” You laughed lightly as the little girl blushed.

“I can make sunlight!” She explained after a moment, excitedly showing you her hands that formed the little ball of light.

“Watch this.” You smiled, putting your hands around hers as you made tiny planets and a mini galaxy around her little ball of light that looked like a sun.

“Woah!” The little girl excitedly jumped up and down before hugging you as her mother thanked you before the pair walked off. You stood turning when you felt eyes on you.

It was your boyfriend, Toyomitsu and his two interns who had been watching the little exchange with small smiles.

“Are these your interns!” You asked him excitedly as you pulled at his large hand, eyeing the two teenagers.

“Mmhmm.” He nodded proudly. “Isn’t she out of this world?” He asked to the boys with a laugh.

You rolled your eyes at his corny joke, but let out a small laugh. 

“Do you want to join us?”

“Of course! Toyomitsu literally doesn’t stop talking about you two! It’s great to finally meet you.”

“Really? He hasn’t stopped talking about you either.” Kirishima said as your starry purple and blue eyes looked from the redhead to your boyfriend with a raised eyebrow. He just smiled at you, a soft pink covering his cheeks as he shrugged.

Flex tape is super into you from the moment he saw you, but he was too nervous to say anything to you in the beginning

He was convinced you would go for someone like him (which is stupid bc he’s so cute)...he was obviously wrong

Both you and Sero’s quirks have pretty practical applications, especially when you generated small suns and moons as light sources

The first time you generated a black hole kinda scared him tho...even if it was a small one

Once you convinced him that you had complete control over the black hole, he wasn’t so nervous about it anymore.

Definitely takes advantage of the black hole creation ability of your quirk now too

“Hey (y/n) can you come over?” Your boyfriend called you. This made you nervous because you thought something bad could’ve happened...like that one time Sero had accidentally gotten his tape stuck in a fan while it was accidentally stuck in his hair

“What happened? Did you start a fire? Was Denki involved? Is there another fan, because I can go get my scissors again!” You said quickly as you stood at his door in the dorms. 

You had rushed there so it had only taken you a moment to get there after he had hung up.

“Nope...no fire, Kaminari wasn’t involved, and there isn’t another fan incident...but I kinda broke the vacuum cleaner and there’s glitter all over my room.”

“Why is there glitter everywhere?” You looked from the mess all on the floor to your boyfriend who smiled sheepishly at you.

“Well, Kaminari thought it would be fun to do a prank...and the test kinda backfired...”

“I thought you said Kaminari wasn’t involved?”

“Uh-” He stopped when you held your hand up with a sigh.

“What am I supposed to do about this Hanta?”

“I was thinking that maybe you could use a black hole...since it’s kinda like a vacuum?”

“Fine.” You sighed after a pause in conversation, nodding once before you made a small black hole appear in your hand. Pointing it towards the floor you sucked up all of the glitter before making the black hole disappear again.

“I knew it would be faster than a vacuum!” Sero told you as he hugged and thanked you.

“Don’t be so messy next time...and maybe stay away from the glitter.” You laughed.

Keigo was kind of caught off guard when he first saw you.

He originally thought your quirk had just changed your appearance and that it was only creating stars, well until one day...

You see, the pair of you had moved in together and had also gotten a dog because why the hell not?

Anyways Keigo was supposed to be getting home any moment from patrol and since you had been off that day, you stayed home with your dog

“Did you have to ruin your toys so quickly? We just brought you this ball.” You complained to the small rambunctious animal who simple stared up at you with big brown eyes and a wag of its tail.

“Alright, let’s try this then.” You said after thinking for a moment. You created a small planet before throwing it down the hall. If your dog broke it, you could simply make a new one and it wouldn’t be a waste of money.

The dog happily chased after it before appearing a moment later with the small blue planet in its mouth. It put the sphere down at your feet, looking up at you and waiting for you to throw it again.

The door opened as you threw it down the hall again, Keigo walking into the house after just getting off. 

He set his goggles on the table by the door along with his special headphones, taking his gloves and jacket off at the door.

“I’m home, Birdie.” He called out as your dog ran towards him and dropped the strange new ball that he didn’t remember getting at his feet.

“I’m in here.”

“Weird.” The pro-hero mumbled before tossing the ball again and walking towards where your voice had come from.

“How was patrol?” You asked as your dog appeared again, the broken planet in front of him on the ground at your feet.

“It was fine...nothing major.” He answered simply, watching as you sighed giving a look to your dog before putting your hands together and making another small sphere, this time a purple color.

“Try not to break it so quickly this time.” You told the dog before tossing it.

“What was that?” He questioned as you looked at him confused. “When you put your hands together?” He clarified.

“Oh...did I forget to tell you? He broke his new ball, so I created a planet for him. I just figured it would be easier than buying him another toy that he’ll just end up destroying.” You shrugged.

“You can make planets?”

“Among other things.” You laughed softly at the surprised face he made. “I thought I told you.”

“No...but that’s cool as hell! What else can you do?” He asked, his eyes not leaving yours as he laid his head in your lap as you both sat on the couch with you explaining your quirk in depth.

Tags:

[sooblvr]

dreaming of you

pairing choi soobin x gn!reader // genre fantasy au, fluff // warnings none // word count 1.6k

after yet another sleepless night, you turned off the alarm. tall, dark hair, a gentle expression and an awkward laugh. you knew his deepest secrets and comforted his sobs, yet he remained nameless.

the, literal, boy of your dreams visited you every once in a while since you were less than fifteen years old. he was no more than a couple years older than you and had somewhat grown together.

from imaginary friend to mystery man, it was hard to describe your relationship.

“i saw him again,” you began, “but it was different.”

yerin, who you had known for just over a year, listened attentively. enthusiastic and lively, she made a love story out of your odd situation. “did you get his name this time?” “he was crying. we were, i don’t even know where. it looked like a bedroom, could’ve been his.” “and what was he crying about? he does that quite often.”

you evaded talking about his personal problems. he confided in you, and even though you didn’t even know if he was even a real person, it didn’t feel right to spread his business. “his friends leave him out. he’s very sensitive, and they make him feel like the odd one out. plan things without him, constantly interrupt him, stuff like that that builds up over time.”

“if only you guys could meet,” she sighed dramatically, “you should ask him if he lives in seoul. for all you know he’s in the class next door. get his name too, full name, so we can look him up on social media or something.”

night after night you hoped to see him, but your meetings were sporadic and random. sometimes you were at an amusement park, others in a classroom. around your early teens you began keeping a journal. every dream you could remember from the first to the most recent was written. some dates as specific as ‘04/26/2012’ and others as vague as ‘spring of 2019.’

your most memorable one had a bookmark. he visited you the night before your birthday.

“your present is on my nightstand, but i’m afraid i wasn’t able to bring it with me.” “so you can control when you see me?” “well, no, but i had a feeling i would see you tonight. you’ll be eighteen by the time you wake up.”

both of you stood outside an elementary school. you sat on the swings and bet on who would go the highest. it was strange that no one had complained about your loud laughs and stubborn bickering. having known each other for so long, it always felt weird to ask anything remotely personal. it was like you were ashamed- if you were as close as you acted, shouldn’t you know this already?

“did you actually buy me a present?” “i was hoping i’d show up with it since, you know, our situation is weird enough to where i wouldn’t be surprised if i could bring stuff from my regular life.” “i guess that’s valid. what did you get me?” “remember the time we were at the museum? you liked one of the mood rings.” “go on.” “i found a similar one, and i got it for you.”

his birthdays tended to go by unnoticed. when you asked how he had spent his special day his voice got quiet, murmuring that he didn’t want to talk about it. as much as you wanted to know more about him, you were uncertain of his impression of you.

would he find it creepy if you asked where he lived? what he did in his regular life? did he have a job? was he studying? you figured he had to at least live in the same city as you. all your dreams took place at local places.

your questions were answered on none other than his birthday, which he spent in the tutoring center at your school. he sat by himself, and you saw him from afar. it would’ve been weird for you to just go up to him as if you were best friends. perhaps it was weirder to act as if you were total strangers. he returned his books to the front desk while you signed in.

he smiled at you with his characteristic softness, though you weren’t sure if he had recognized you. acting on an impulse, you caught up to him before he left, “happy birthday.”

there was the slightest blush adorning his cheeks. he laughed nervously, and you felt a sense of comfort from his familiarity. “thank you. i’ll tell you about my day later,” he was gone in less time than it had taken him to respond. and just like every other night, you hoped you would see him again.

“yerin, you don’t understand. he’s much cuter in person!” “i knew you liked him. i haven’t known you for long, but you’ve never talked about someone the way you talk about him.” “no, i couldn’t like him. we don’t even know each other-“ “yeah, yeah, that’s everyone’s excuse.” “we’ve only seen each other in our dreams, but there’s so much more to our lives than that. i act differently with you, and he probably does too. what if he’s a horrible person? what if he doesn’t want to meet me here? and if i never see him again?” “calm down with the mental cartwheels, i’m sure he’s just as great in person.”

you read through your journal, hoping that thinking about him before going to sleep would help you meet him. it didn’t. 

and even then, you wouldn’t see him through your dreams but through the campus counselors. sitting next to each other in silence felt excruciating, but you figured if he wasn’t talking it was because he didn’t want to. if only you could’ve noticed he was thinking the same thing.

as soon as you turned to each other, both hoping to make the first move, the receptionist called his name, “soobin, you’re up next.”

“soobin, no last name,” you told yerin during lunch.

“i don’t know anyone by that name, is he in our grade?” “probably not, he’s older than me.” “i could always ask around if-“ “don’t, i don’t want him to think i’m trying to stalk him or something.” “you’re never getting anywhere with this mister no last name soobin.”

it took months for you to coincide again. it was as if you had broken the biggest unspoken rule of all. though you were content with the newfound knowledge of his name, you regretted it as soon as you realized he had evaporated from your dreams too. 

“happy valentine’s day,” you were at a local park near the school’s campus. you were thankful this was a dream since the place was always incredibly full of people- mostly tourists. “it’s been so long since i’ve seen you.” he looked down, feeling guilty even though he had no control over your meetings.

before you could run out of time, you agreed to meet at the library you had met at. something about the plan felt familiar though. you looked for your dream journal when you woke up. you needed to settle your doubts.

sometime in 2012,

our first dream together was at a library, one much bigger than any of the public ones.

was that it? had your first dream shown where you would meet? you couldn’t remember exactly if the library from the dream had been the one at your university, but it was certainly odd that you remembered to make the distinction between the dream library and the public ones.

even if you were right, you didn’t know what to do with that information. did the other dreams mean anything? were they predicting the future? it didn’t make sense. you were so young in the dreams, how could they represent an adult relationship?

you brought your journal with you to school, ready to show him the coincidence.

“we’ve been to museums, gardens, cafés, even ballroom dances, and all while in our teens,” he went through every page. “do you think maybe they’re hinting at something?” “do you?”

you looked around while collecting your thoughts. both of you were clueless. until he recalled, “you know, i always found it odd that we never asked anything personal. we knew each other in our dreams. in every one except for the first.” “right. for some reason we also never questioned where we were. maybe we already knew.” “except for the library.” “because that’s where we were supposed to meet.”

the more you kept seeing each other, the more you kept finding similarities to your dreams. it was never intentional, but there’d be instances like sitting at the same table, the music playing being the same, or even the date being the same except for the year.

“do you remember this place?” “have we dreamed about it?” “the only dream where we didn’t really do much, we didn’t even talk.” “you kept saying there was something you wanted to say but you never did.” “i knew i wanted to say something, i just didn’t know what.”

he handed you a piece of paper. it was an ad for the place, “this was outside my door this morning.” “and do you know what you want to say now?” “i like you.”

[carousel-of-souls]

Metropolis Atlanta Backstory Infodump: Clark Kent

Most of the stuff at the beginning here is the same. Born on Krypton, landed on Earth, adopted by Jon and Martha and raised in Smallville. In this universe Smallville is located in rural Mississippi.

Clark has a southern accent. He had to try really hard to talk neutrally when being Superman. While he was perfecting his voice Superman didn’t speak for a time which allowed the press to paint a picture of him being more menacing than he was. There was some pretty ableist rhetoric about people who don’t speak going on in the media. Once he figured out how to get the twang out of his voice Superman started talking and people relaxed a bit. Lois definitely gets a kick out of Clark’s speaking and habits and stories about growing up in Smallville.

Though it seems small in perspective with other things he’s ended up going through, the most scared Clark has ever been was when he came out as queer to Jon and Martha. He’d never heard them speak about political issues besides the way local elections affected farmers so he didn’t know how they’d feel but they were very quick to accept him. Looking back he feels like he should’ve been able to guess that if they could accept him being from a different planet they could accept him being queer.

Clark spent his prom night at a diner with Martha and Jon because he was too nervous to ask out the boy he wanted to take. Not having to hide that sadness in front of his parents is definitely a core memory for him.

He did go to school for four years for a journalism degree before moving to Metropolis. Though being a reporter would suffice as just a cover for keeping up with current events, Clark is genuinely passionate about it.

Lois knows that Clark is Superman. They are queer platonic partners and they live together. Clark didn’t want to move in together at first because he was afraid Lois would be put in danger but villains caught onto her being his favourite person in Metropolis a while ago and he was spending most of his time at her place anyways. They also work out and go jogging together even though Clark doesn’t need it.

Clark met Bruce Wayne when he traveled to Gotham to do some reporting on him. They ended up hitting it off and started dating. They confessed their superhero identities to eachother and it went pretty smoothly. Bruce is also dating Selina Kyle which Clark is fine with even though he doesn’t get along with her personally, he knows that sometimes Bruce needs to connect with someone with the same darkness he has. Selina knows sometimes Bruce needs someone to oppose that darkness. They have a respect for eachother. Lois has flirted with Bruce a few times but nothing serious.

Since other Superman media is shoddy about defining his bodily functions I will do it for mine because those details are important to me. He doesn’t actually need to eat since he gets his energy from the sun, he eats because he really enjoys food/he was raised doing it/Martha doesn’t care if he’s an alien she would get really mad and worried if he wasn’t “taking care of himself.” He also likes sharing food with others and views it as a way of connecting to those around him. He doesn’t use the bathroom because his body (under the yellow sun) is better at converting everything into energy. Even though he doesn’t actually use the bathroom he uses IBS as an excuse for why he runs off so much, it’s a medical issue so people who aren’t jerks can’t get mad at him for it + it’s awkward and personal so people don’t tend to ask questions. He doesn’t really sweat since it takes a lot to overexert him or overheat him. He needs to sleep for his mental health but he doesn’t need to sleep as much as he does, he does it a lot because he enjoys dreaming. He is a very heavy sleeper despite the super senses, it was a nightmare getting him up for school during his teen years. He’s 6’4 and about 260 lbs.

Additional info:

Clark’s favourite food is apple pie, he suffers if he doesn’t make a trip home to get some from Martha at least once a month.

Clark enjoys barn raising.

Clark’s ringtone is Thank God I’m A Country Boy by John Denver. Lois almost passed out from laughing the first time she heard it.

Clark enjoys cuddling, if Lois or Bruce’s lap is free he will be in it.

[princessphilly]

Word Count: 1975 (you know I start small then build up)

Tag list: @newlibrary , @luvsherleafs @spine-buster , @m00nlightdelights @lovethepreds @myhockeyworld87 @Defiant-mouse, @callllumhood @yzas-stuff , @stars-canucks @laurenairay @cutiesara23, @besthockeyfics @hockeyallthetime @tazerass , @markymarkstrom @letsgobaby, @himbos-on-ice @hockeywocs @bloodthedevil @nhlboyshavemyhart88 @whatishockey @dreamer1430 @shelbsatans

CW: people failing to be mean, some angst. We are still rated pg-13 but we will be hitting NC-17 soon.

Add me to the tag list!

It’s okay to admit that you are enough. It’s also okay to struggle with admitting that to yourself. At least, that’s what I learned when Meghan Markle still had her old blog, The Tig, up online before she became the Duchess of Sussex. Honestly, she’s one of my goals; her father is a trip and she’s managed to live well despite his issues. I’d like to be able to do whatever she did with my mom. - journal 9/2

**

“The man over there says thanks.”

Jamila looked at the waiter, confused. “Um, okay,” she questioned as she looked where the waiter was discreetly pointing. A tall, brown haired guy raised a whiskey neat in salute. Jamila gave him a tentative grin. After the waiter left, she hissed, “I didn’t send him a drink, Lisa! What the hell?”

Jamila had to admit he was attractive but not her usual type. Her type was the outdoorsy type, the kind who could fish, hunt, and actually be able to live off the land if society collapsed overnight. This guy… he looked like money and power, the kind to hire someone to take care of him.

After a moment, it became obvious what happened as Alyssa and Frances came back over. Jamila put on her best movie-star fake smile as those two came by. They were the worst kind of people; backstabbers who even when they got caught, still got away with it because they knew how to suck up to the people in power. Jamila knew exactly why they didn’t like her: she had enough fame left over that she didn’t need to be their friend to earn a good reputation in their phD program.

“Meet any nice guys,” Frances asked with a sly smirk on her face.

Jamila gave Lisa a sideways look as Alyssa said, “I mean, there’s Jonathan Toews, he’s single. I bet he’d be interested in a washed-up actress.”

“Hmmm, I have no idea who you are talking about,” Jamila honestly said.

Alyssa smirked as she replied, “He plays for the Blackhawks, Meena.”

Jamila grit her teeth as Alyssa used her first name. She hated when people used her first name, it brought up too many bad memories. Before she could reply, the attractive brown-haired guy was standing next to her with a faint grin on his face. “Um, hi,” Jamila said as Lisa, Alyssa, and Frances stared at him.

“I figured I’d say hi after you sent me that drink. I would have bought you one but I don’t know what you’re drinking and it wouldn’t be nice to assume. My name is Jonathan,” he said with a flirtatious wink.

Jamila hesitantly replied, “My name is Jamila and I’m just drinking merlot tonight.”

“Another glass,” Jonathan asked, his deep voice doing things to Jamila’s insides. She bit her lip as she looked at him, trying to decide if she wanted to encourage him or not.

“Sure.”

As he found a waiter, Jamila looked at Lisa. Lisa motioned to her phone and Jamila checked her screen. That’s jonathan toews, the guy those bitches were talking about. He plays hockey and is the captain of the blackhawks

Jamila texted back, what is hockey n y should i care

Then the waiter came with a fresh glass of merlot and Jonathan passed it to her. Jamila took a deep sip, loving the taste. Merlot was truly her favorite and they had a good house vintage. Jonathan asked, “Are you new to Chicago?”

“I’ve been here for a year. It’s alright,” Jamila replied. “This is my first time going out on the North Side though.”

Jonathan gave Jamila a slow smile and her breath caught. He definitely was attractive but not her usual type. He said, “Then that’s why we’ve never met til now. I would have definitely remembered such a beautiful woman if I saw you before.”

Jamila giggled. “That’s a good one. You get one point for that.”

“Just one point? Is it an assist or a goal?”

“Um,” Jamila stalled. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

The sly smile on Jonathan’s face turned into a wide smile. This girl was not only hot but he could tell that she was truly clueless about hockey. Tonight was a win-win for him. “I’m going to assume it’s a goal then.”

“Okay.” Jamila shrugged as she took another sip of her wine. “I’m still not completely impressed so you still need to work on it.”

Jonathan laughed, causing some people to turn towards them. Jamila caught Alyssa and Frances giving her the evil eye and she smirked. Reaching out a hand, she touched Jonathan’s upper arm. Jamila had no idea what hockey was but whatever it was, he definitely was built. Jamila turned slightly as she rubbed his arm, making sure that those two bitches could see that she was touching him.

“You like what you feel,” Jonathan asked, his voice slightly deeper with a sultry tone.

Unable to resist the bait, Jamila replied, “Of course,” licking her lips. There was no problem in flirting with him, she thought to herself as he smirked at her.

Jonathan’s eyes were on her lips. She had full lips, made for kissing. Jamila wasn’t his usual type but Jonathan didn’t have a problem with that. “There’s more that you can-,” he started before someone bellowed, “TAZER!”

Jamila whipped around towards the sound, annoyed to have been interrupted before her attention was caught by the kind of guy of her dreams. He was tall, auburn haired, and looked like a lumberjack. He was perfection and he came over to them.

“Duncs,” Jonathan called.

The lumberjack said, “Heyy Tazer.”

Jamila smiled. Maybe this whole drink mix-up thing was working out for her, she thought until she saw her LA friend, Shan, come up behind this Duncs guy. Shan’s brother Alex was with them, his ever present backwards cap covering his hair.

Jonathan loved Duncs as a brother but right now, he was annoyed and pissed. He had been close to sealing the deal but Jamila was now looking at Duncs like he was the last man on earth. Then Jamila gave him a brilliant smile and Jonathan suddenly realized that he was totally fucked.

“Hi,” Jamila purred, forgetting that her hand was still on Jonathan’s bicep. Duncan looked at that and raised an eyebrow at his captain. Jonathan gave him a glare and Duncan made a motion with his hands.

Before Duncan could reply, Shan yelled, “Jamillllaaa!! Long time no see!”

“Hi Shan,” Jamila drily replied, glad she used her preferred name instead of her first name. Shan was a fellow child actress, a Canadian who managed to get supporting roles at Disney over the years before transitioning to a character actress when she became an adult. Shan was the only one whose parents were actually on-set all of the time and paid attention to what was going on. Consequently, Shan was the only one who didn’t have substance abuse problems, etc. and the only one from her former shows that Jamila kept in contact with.

Jonathan looked at Shan and Jamila. “You two know each other?”

Shan drunkenly giggled as Alex closed his eyes. “We were both Disney kids back in the day.”

Jamila sardonically smiled. “Those were fun days.”

“I’m sorry,” Alex replied. “Shan’s got a role in one of the next Marvel movies so she decided to celebrate.”

“Congratulations,” Jamila sincerely stated. Getting a role in the MCU was a steady check and something to celebrate. Then Jonathan took a double take and looked at her and Jamila groaned. He bit one of his thin lips and then he smirked before putting a finger to his mouth. Jamila exhaled and gave him her biggest smile. He recognized her but he didn’t say anything. Jamila leaned over and whispered into Jonathan’s ear, “You just got a second point.”

“Then maybe you should let me have your number,” Jonathan purred into Jamila’s ear.

Jamila smirked, rolling her eyes but before she could respond, Shan slurred, “Wow, Jamila, you waste no time. You were just telling me yesterday that you didn’t know a damn thing about hockey and tonight, you’re talking with Captain Serious.”

Jonathan wanted to shake his teammate’s sister because Jamila shut down, pursing her lips.

Oblivious, Shan continued, “Now, you don’t have an excuse not to go with my brother to the bowling thing.”

Alex face-palmed as Jamila pinched the bridge of her nose. She had totally forgotten about that and of course, when Shan was drunk, she was loud and obnoxious.

Pasting her best fake smile on her face, Jamila said, “I think it’s time for me to go.”

“So soon,” Duncan teased.

Jamila smirked at him, looking him up and down. “I need my beauty rest and to not strangle my friend.”

Jonathan gritted his teeth as he watched Jamila eye his friend. Then she turned to him and blew him a kiss. “It was nice to meet you, Jonathan,” Jamila said, giving him a wink.

Jonathan smiled back and Jamila was taken aback for a moment. There was a promise in those dark brown eyes and she felt her body begin to respond. Then he licked his lips and for a moment, all Jamila could think about was maybe those lips on her body. Slightly shaking her head, Jamila waved her fingers before going to call an Uber. This was a night.

**

After getting home, Jamila tossed her bag onto her front table. She suddenly felt exhausted even though it was barely after 11:30pm. Walking into her living room, Jamila saw her other cell phone glowing. Picking it up, she cursed. There were fifteen messages and ten missed calls, all from Janine. The messages started off nice, asking how Jamila was doing to nasty, calling her all kinds of names for not picking up and giving her “mother” money.

Tossing the phone back onto the table, Jamila sighed. Getting a separate cell phone just for her mother’s calls was the best but it was draining just to look at it.

Janine Brown was a bit actress, stage-mother, and now two-bit manager. Janine had always wanted to be an actress, even when she was attending grad school at MIT for physics. There, she met Jayesh Vyas, a student earning a PhD in computer engineering. Within six months, they were married and expecting a child; after two years, they were divorced after pressure from Jayesh’s parents. Jayesh returned to India and Janine was stuck with an 11 month old baby with dimples made of gold.

By the time that Jamila could remember, she was in front of a camera. Her life as a child was in front of a camera; first as the adorable adopted child in Granger vs Granger, then the youngest kid in The Elliot Show as a young child. Then from age 12 to 17, Jamila starred as Jane Lee in the Disney show, Plain Jane. School was on set. Birthdays were celebrated on set. Everything revolved around a set year round until right after Jamila’s 17th birthday.

The aftermath of that birthday was a stay in rehab, a cancelled show, and living with her dad and stepmom full time in Atlanta.

Jamila promptly deleted all the messages and voicemails before going on online banking. After authorizing a transfer to Janine’s account, Jamila showered, put on pajamas, and grabbed her pink Lepidolite and pink quartz crystals. Sitting cross legged, Jamila worked to calm her anxiety so that she could have a restful night sleep.

But in her dreams, she tried to focus on a pair of blue eyes and a lumberjack look. However, she kept dreaming of a pair of deep obsidian brown eyes, a crooked smile, and a deep voice telling her everything he was going to do to her

[feysandfeels]

I gathered you read the chapter... how are we feeling, any thoughts you might want to share?

There I was, writing on my journal after a decent day at work when this fucking bomb exploded quite literally on my lap. But fear not I am here and we shall discuss until we can make fucking sense of it.  Should I even warn you of the length of this post, or are we all on the same “Luisa can’t synthesise for shit” boat now?

I. Azriel

I will start by saying that this does not make me hate Azriel or stop caring for him and wanting what’s best for him. I still do very much love him. This however does not mean I applaud or get behind how he expressed himself during this specially chapter. For me it was quite disturbing to see how he saw Elain merely as a sexual partner and thought that that translated into love. If he had made the distinction between being physically attracted to her and being in love with her, then I don’t think we would all be feeling like we are. Because it is fair to be sexually attracted to someone but not necessarily in love with them.

From what we saw I think we can gather that Azriel knows Mor is not into him and in his grief from all those years being in love he wants something immediate and there. On top of that he sees his brothers settled and feels like he is owed from the cauldron, so of course he starts seeing Elain as the perfect “solution” to his pain. Now, of course Elain (and no one for that matter) should be seen a solution to anything really. Much less he should jump on that boat and already think of her as his. Az, my sweet, possessiveness is not love. 

When I first read the chapter something stood out for me, he said he’s envious of his brothers and the emotional stability they both have, the fact that they were both chosen by the ones they love. We know Az loved Mor with all his heart and although she loves him too, it was not corresponded on the same energy since she is well bisexual homoromantic. He, so far, does not feel chosen in that same sense, which only feeds his insecurity of being unworthy.

In his envy he oversimplified things, he saw what both Rhys and Cassian now have and did the simple most stupid math ever: he went Rhys+Feyre = love, Cass+Nesta = love... hummm then If I’m single and Elain is single then it must mean Az+ Elain = love. (Sugar I love you but that is dumb as fuck). This has the same energy of when you are in high school and you let your friends convince you that you are actually into someone when you are really not, but then you buy into it and start believing in it yourself. In this case he was the one who created that push and convinced himself that it was the right thing.

I think so far we can gather a few things of the place Az is at right now: he is feeling extremely lonely, extremely envious and extremely sad. I do not think this excuses his behavior at fucking all, but at least we know where he is coming from. He is clearly mistaking sexual attraction and possessiveness as love. But I do think it all stems from this turbulent place he is at emotionally, not because he is a bad person. 

I do not thing he is a bad person for thinking of Elain as he does, because I truly think this is a set up for the growth he will experience. Is it a good look? honey no. But is it a realistic one? I dare say it is. As I said when I read this I got full on high school bull shit vibes, I thought “ohh I’ve seen this film before and I have lived it”. He is being immature and there is no denying. Which was only confirmed with him regifting that necklace... sugar... that was a dick move, very fucking dickish move -specially since it was alluded that they might have feelings for each other–. My man needs to do some emotional growth because yikes. 

II. The Narrative

Now, I have said before that for me, Sarah’s strength lies not so much on her world building or the originality of her works (which is not to say that her worlds suck or her narratives are not interesting and offer something new), but it lies more on her characters. To me she has always excelled at creating characters that do exemplify the range of humanity in its good, its bad, and all that’s in between. Even you can look at stuff that your fave did and go “yeah not cool at fucking all”. At least I know I can and I adore almost every character in this series. I love characters not because they are perfect but because I can either relate to them or because they allow me to understand and experience points of view that are alien to my own experience. Sarah has never made characters black and white. Your faves will make mistakes. Feyre has, Rhysand has, Cassian has, Nesta has, Elain has, Lucien has, Mor has and Az has. 

What make her books interesting from this perspective is that she says “characters development does not equal character growth”. Take Chaol for example –if you haven’t read ToG do yourself a favor and read it– his character arc is one of the most interesting and best fulfilled ones in that series because we saw him at his lowest, when we couldn’t empathize exactly and he was being an ass, and then we saw him question his problematic behavior and move past it. Character development means just that: that the character move from point a to point b. It doesn’t mean he will be better by the end, but it means movement. Character growth does mean he will hopefully get  to a place where they are “good”.

I think she knows exactly what she is doing with Az and with this teaser. Need I remind you of the chaos the bonus chapter in ACOFAS left this fandom in for a solid two years. This got our emotions high and got us one way or another expecting to see where this will all lead. I don’t think any of us were expecting this chapter when it was announced that Az would get a pov. 

III. Conclusion

To conclude I just want to reiterate that I don’t support how he’s is behaving. I think I am accepting how he is behaving. Acceptance however does not meant that I am behind it, it means that I accept it and I am willing to stick around to see him grow out of this and realize why this is all so wrong (because well you know I can’t actively engage with him since he is... you know... fictional). I have had moments like this with some of my closest friends irl with whom we’ve had talks about previous behavior and have had the “be fucking better” talk, which is something that Rhys essentially said (GOD BLESS YOU BOO), and is also a sentiment most of us shared, even Feyre, when Rhys forced Mor to face both of her abusers and then didn’t consult her when selling Velaris off to her dad. And to me that is part of what friendship means, it means being there through the growth.  

Everyone has their own limits of what they can understand of a character/person. If this is your own then it’s fine, no harm no foul. If this is what makes you jump ship from Elriel (that’s their ship name right?) then hey all good, I’m sorry for your loss.  

I am not an Azriel hater, nor I think I will ever be. At least not from the information I have right now. I do still love him and as I have said before I want to see him happy and with a healthy amount of self confidence (and no Azriel saying you could easily kill Lucien is not the healthy self confidence I am talking about). So if anything I am interested in the arc his character will face, we just caught him at a moral low –which to me still has a solid chance of growth–.

I hope this offer some light or whatever. And remember take it easy, it’s okay to feel things deeply but don’t quit in the middle of the war, we still have his book coming up and I am 100% that will enlighten us more. 

ANYWAYS, LONG LIVE ELUCIEN BITCHES.