#ALSO WILD ASK TO SEND TO MY MAIN but i applaud it

[skunkes]

there should be more art of talon fucking butts tbh 😳

😏

[realmadridfamily]

Pilar Rubio presents her second collection of swimsuits for the Galician company“Selmark”.

Pilar Rubio is a TV presenter, mother of four boys, a born athlete, as well as a designer and fashion lover. "My mom was a seamstress, and I grew up surrounded by fabrics and sewing machines" says presenter a few days before presenting her second swimsuit collection for Spanish company Selmark. Pilar was fully involved in this new project from the very beginning of the creative process ("We did everything through a video call because we started working on it just before my childbirth") and the five models (three swimsuits and two bikinis) reflect her powerful personality and inexhaustible energy. We discussed with her shortly after she announced that she tested positive for COVID-19. Pilar talks about fashion, design and family, three of her great passions, although she undoubtedly recognizes that her four children are the best project in her life: Sergio, Marco, Alejandro and Máximo Adriano.

This is the second collection you have created for Selmark. What will we find in it? It's a good news. After the success of the first collection, they wanted to make another one and I think we make a great team and we understand each other very well. We have the same idea of what a swimsuit is, what message we want to convey to women ... and I think it's a concept so different from anything we're used to. This first collection was so different from the others because we wanted women to feel that swimwear is their ally. When they offered it to me, they told me they wanted me to design the swimsuits, and I said, "Wow, swimsuits, the hardest thing there is."

How to find the perfect swimsuit? I'm a perfectionist and can spend days looking for a swimsuit that I feel good and comfortable with until I find one that I like. I think it happens to other women too. When you wear one you have to be very sure that it fits you because it shows a part of you that you don't show for the rest of the year. That's why the statement we use is perfect: "it suits you, you feel better". This is the message we want to send you because if this costume suits you, you'll be safer, more comfortable, you'll feel more beautiful, and it all adds up.

What's the key to this second collection? How was the creative process before launching it on the market? The important thing or the key to these two collections is that the shapes are perfect, that they fit all women and emphasize the beauty of women. We've spent a lot of time on it, calling it interior engineering because we've created designs that favor all curves, tweak beautiful parts and hide the ones we don't like so much. We have been working on the second collection since January 2020. I was not able to go to Vigo, which is where Selmark is located, but through a video call we understood each other, we saw fabrics, colors and found five models that are perfect without any doubt.

What inspired you this season? I have been inspired by powerful women, who for me convey that magic that we all have and that empowerment that seems to be very fashionable today but that I think we must always carry as a flag. May these designs make us feel like this: beautiful and powerful in equal measure.

The campaign also includes some spectacular photos, one of which is very wild, where you pose with a snake! Not only men will be in the jungle! (laugh) Women can also have a wild and glamorous point. That model, "Mamba", is beautiful, it goes back around the neck with a bow and makes it a perfect body to wear on a summer night, for example. You can be in the jungle, on the beach, in nature or in the city center, it's important to feel good.

You're not only the face of this collection, you were fully involved in the entire creative and production process ... Sure. I am not just an image, I actively participated in the entire design process. Whenever my image is behind something, it's important to me to take care of it. Each such product has to be something that I have tested and I'm sure it suits me. It's like another baby for me (laughs). I created it myself and that's why I took care of the smallest detail. There is also a very strong field work. I asked all my friends! I asked them what they like, what they want to hide, what they like to enhance with a bikini ...

These five models can also be used for going out to the city and not just for the beach or swimming pool, right? I also wanted them to be super useful, so that I could also go out into the street in them. We've already done it with another collection. I wanted the clothes to be so beautiful that you want to wear them all the time. In fact, many of the models in the first collection were sold out within the first hours of leaving. Now with this second collection I wanted to give it a further point of sophistication. Each model I have imagined in a different place. They are so versatile that they are not only for bathing, but can be worn for a drink at the beach bar or beach club for an afternoon in Madrid ... logically accompanied by a skirt, a pair of pants, a jacket ... But let the one who is brave and wants to take it out as is, I applaud her! (laughs)

What would be the best way to combine them? If I was in Madrid I would take a red swimsuit, model Diamond, and wear it with a jacket and shorts. I would like a total look in red. You can wear a bikini top with a floaty skirt to go to the beach club. To go by boat, you can combine it with a caftan. And I love the Dream model that is a bit psychedelic and Hindu, and that one with some hanging colored glasses, it would look great.

Where does this passion for design and sewing come from? My mother is a seamstress and all my life I was surrounded by fabrics and sewing machines, watching my mother arranging First Communion dresses, suits, and sewing skirts and dresses for me. And little by little I was tinkering, I took the old sewing machines that were at home, I asked her for patterns and I was making my skirts, my dresses. I've always liked it. It's a way to escape the world, it gives me peace. It's like therapy. It's my favorite hobby, although now I don't have as much time as before being a mom. But before, when I had a free time, I usually spent it sewing. At home I have an old sewing machine, which is more than a hundred years old, the kind you have to hit with the foot, which was my grandmother's. Before, I used it often. Now I have a more modern model but I keep the old one as a relic and it's also an excellent piece of furniture because when it's closed it's like a small table.

Are you still sewing clothes for yourself, or are you at least customizing some of the ones you already have? Yes! I customize everything! I still take scissors, bleach ... everything I find out there and I give it a lot of use. You can't even imagine! Suddenly, there are a thousand ideas in my head! But my main source of inspiration is the heavy metal bands of the 80s so every time I see articles from that era or read books from that hard rock scene, I try to make dresses or suits that are inspired by those artists, which are my idols.

Would you like to restart your own brand like you did years ago with rock shirts? Being who I am, who is involved to the fullest, now it is impossible, but you never know. At the moment my most important project is my children and from there I try to manage everything else.

Do you see a talent for creativity in your children? The truth is, they all love to paint. Soon I won't have walls to hang my children's paintings! They bring them to me every day and they are super cute with phrases like "I love you mommy" so I can't throw out any (laughs). But the one I see most interested of all, the most meticulous and detailed, is Alejandro, my third son. Every time I'm sewing or drawing something, he comes up right away and asks: “Mom, what are you doing? And because? And how do you do that? You teach me?"He already wants to take a needle, but for now I won't let him (laughs). I can see that he is very interested in anything creative.

Designer, TV presenter, you exercise every day, four little children ... Please tell me, how do you do it?! (Laughs) Like many others, I guess. Since you have to do this, try your best to align the pieces of the puzzle. But it's important not to neglect yourself as a woman, to have good mental and physical health that makes you send good energy to your loved ones. That's why I have to feel good to make others feel good.

Your husband, Sergio Ramos, is one of the most fashionable celebrities, would you dare to design something for him? I think it would be entering the men's field and I haven't done it yet (laughs), so far I'm only inspired by things that are for women.

How did you spend the last year of the pandemic? If we had to take stock and be able to get something positive out of this catastrophe, it would definitely be the fact that we could be together. We make a good team, distribute responsibilities, we also have very good children.

In June, you and Sergio will celebrate your second wedding anniversary. How do you remember that amazing day? Will you do something to celebrate the second anniversary? We don't plan anything at the moment, we live day after day. Everything I remember from that day is beautiful. From time to time flashes of that night come to me and I think it was all so special that unfortunately I couldn't stop for a moment. Everything was special.

[thedinalixlegacy]

30 Questions tag game

Tagged by: @darth-bagel Thank you so much😊

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 5 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

Name/Nickname: Dina on the internet, irl I sometimes get called “little song” in my mother tongue because that sounds like a short version of my name haha

Gender: Female

Star sign: Capricorn

Height: 160cm or 5′2, I’m pretty short too

Birthday: 12th of january

Time: 20:49 as I’m typing this, but probably a bit later by the time I am done and post it :')

Favorite bands: It’s almost embarrassing how few bands I know or listen to. The only one I can think of is Twenty One Pilots, but I only really listen to them when I’m doing bad mentally. Can be useful though, when I start listening to their songs again I know I need to watch myself hahah.

Favorite solo artists: John Denver

Song stuck in my head: Nothing actually atm, surprisingly enough

Last movie: A Barbie movie with my sister, I don't know what the title is in English

Last show: Star Wars Rebels

When did I create this blog: Last november I believe, but I've been around on Tumblr since about 2016

What do I post: Swtor mainly! Every now and then a little bit about kotor

Last thing I googled: “160 cm to feet”, now you guess why I searched that hahaha

Other blogs: @justanothermainblog is my main. I’ve got a whump blog too with which I do awfully little anymore depite it having 800+ followers, and an art blog that totally flopped ahaha

Do I get asks: Yeah luckily! I’m so happy some of you send things in when I reblog ask games and such, I cannot thank you enough!

Why I chose my url: Because it’s the name of my main legacy in swtor. The name Dinalix itself is a name that I thought of years ago that’s based on another fandom (if you can guess which one I applaud you!)

Following: 1002 holy crap😂

Followers: 68 lovely people

Average hours of sleep: I think 7 ish?

Lucky number: 9

Instruments: I used to be able to play the recorder but that was a long time ago😂

What am I wearing: Pyjamas hahah, I just got back from feeding the horses and I was sooo cold. Two hours of standing in the pasture in freezing temperatures and then biking all the way back home (30min) with my gloves soaking wet because I had to get the ice out of their troughs :’) But a quick shower and lots of blankets and I'm warm again😊

Dream job: I do not know, honestly. Something to do with marine life or fisheries would be cool, but honestly I just want a job that makes me happy, doesn't really matter what

Dream trip: I would love to visit Japan sometime, but also Greenland and/or Iceland and Curaçao

Favorite food: Bread is the best thing in the entire world

Nationality: Dutch

Favorite song: "To the wild country" by John Denver

Last book read: Thrawn: Alliances. Finished it last night so now it's time for book 3!

Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in:

1. Star wars, obviously :')

2. Kingdom Hearts, especially Twilight Town

3. Lord of the rings would also be cool!

Tagging: @palepinkycat @blitzindite @gothwarlocks @raven-of-domain-kwaad @shanfamilydrama but only if you want to, and feel free to skip questions if you're not comfortable answering them!

[iwanthermidnightz]

“Not a shot. Not a single chance. Not a snowball’s chance in hell.”

Taylor Swift — who, at 30, has reached a Zen state of cheerful realism — laughs as she leans into a pillow she’s placed over her crossed legs inside her suite at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, leaning further still into her infinitesimal odds of winning a Golden Globe, which will zero out when she heads down to the televised ball in a few hours.

Never mind whether or not the tune she co-wrote, “Beautiful Ghosts,” might actually have been worthy of a trophy for best original song (or shortlisted for an Oscar, which it was not). Since the Globe nominations were revealed, voters could hardly have been immune to how quickly the film it’s a part of, “Cats,” in which she also co-stars, became a whipping boy for jokes about costly Hollywood miscalculations and creative disasters. Not that you’ll hear Swift utter a discouraging word about it all. “I’m happy to be here, happy to be nominated, and I had a really great time working on that weird-ass movie,” she declares. “I’m not gonna retroactively decide that it wasn’t the best experience. I never would have met Andrew Lloyd Webber or gotten to see how he works, and now he’s my buddy. I got to work with the sickest dancers and performers. No complaints.”

If this leads you to believe that the pop superstar is in the business of sugarcoating things, consider her other new movie — a vastly more significant documentary that presents Swift not just sans digital fur but without a whole lot of the varnish of the celebrity-industrial complex. The Netflix-produced “Taylor Swift: Miss Americana” has a prestige slot as the Jan. 23 opening night gala premiere of the Sundance Film Festival before it reaches the world as a day-and-date theatrical release and potential streaming monster on Jan. 31.

The doc spends much of its opening act juxtaposing the joys of creation with the aggravations of global stardom — the grist of many a pop doc, if rendered in especially intimate detail — before taking a more provocative turn in its last reel to focus more tightly on how and why Swift became a political animal. It’s the story of an earnest young woman with a self-described “good girl” fixation working through her last remaining fears of being shamed as she comes to embrace her claws, and her causes.

Given that the film portrays how gradually, and sometimes reluctantly, Swift came to place herself into service as a social commentator, “Miss Americana” is a portrait of the birth of an activist. Director Lana Wilson sets the movie up so that it pivots on a couple of big letdowns for its subject. The first comes early in the film, and early in the morning, when Swift’s publicist calls to update her on how many of the top three Grammy categories her 2017 album “Reputation” is nominated for: zilch. She’s clearly bummed about the record’s brushoff by the awards’ nominating committee, as just about anyone who’d previously won album of the year twice would be, and determinedly tells her rep that she’s just going to make a better record.

But she suffers what feels like a more meaningful blow toward the end of the film. In the fall of 2018, Swift finally comes out of the closet politically to intervene on behalf of Democrats in a midterm election in her home state of Tennessee. As the Washington Post put it, this announcement “fell like a hammer across the Trump-worshipping subforums of the far-right Internet, where people had convinced themselves… that the world-famous pop star was a secret MAGA fan.” Donald Trump goes on camera to smirk that he now likes Swift’s music a little less. The singer is successful in enlisting tens of thousands of young people to register to vote, but her senatorial candidate of choice, Democrat Phil Bredesen, loses to Republican Marsha Blackburn, whom she’d called out as a flagrant enemy of feminism and gay rights.

“Definitely, that was a bigger disappointment for me,” Swift says, pitting the midterm snub against the Grammy snub. “I think what’s going on out in the world is bigger than who gets a prize at the party.”

It was not always thus for Swift — as the detractors who dragged her for staying quiet during the last presidential election eagerly pointed out. If you had to pick the most embarrassing or regrettable moment in “Miss Americana,” it might be the TV clip from “The Late Show With David Letterman” in which the host brings up politics and gets Swift to essentially advocate the “Shut up and sing” mantra. As the studio audience roars approval of her vow to stay apolitical, Letterman gives her what now looks like history’s most dated fist bump.

Thinking back on it, Swift is incredulous. “Every time I didn’t speak up about politics as a young person, I was applauded for it,” she says. “It was wild. I said, ‘I’m a 22-year-old girl — people don’t want to hear what I have to say about politics.’ And people would just be like, ‘Yeahhhhh!’”

At that point, Swift was already starting to record isolated pop tracks, taking baby steps that would soon turn into full strides away from her initial genre. But whether she had designs on switching lanes or not, the lesson of the Dixie Chicks’ forced exile after Natalie Maines’ comment against then-President George W. Bush had branded itself onto her brain at an earlier age, when she’d just planted her young-teen flag in Nashville and overheard a lot of the lamentations of older Music Row songwriters about how the Chicks had thrown it all away.

“I saw how one comment ended such a powerful reign, and it terrified me,” says Swift. “These days, with social media, people can be so mad about something one day and then forget what they were mad about a couple weeks later. That’s fake outrage. But what happened to the Dixie Chicks was real outrage. I registered it — that you’re always one comment away from being done being able to make music.”

Maybe the most transfixing scene in “Miss Americana” is one where Swift argues with her father and other members of her team about the statement she’s about to release coming out against Blackburn and — it’s clear from her references to White House opposition to the Equality Act — Donald Trump too. The comments were so spontaneous that Wilson wasn’t there to film the moment, but the director had asked people to turn on the camera if anything interesting transpired, and here it most certainly did.

“For 12 years, we’ve not got involved in politics or religion,” an unnamed associate says to Swift, suggesting that going down the road of standing against a president as well as Republican gubernatorial and Senate candidates could have the effect of halving her audience on tour. Her father chimes in: “I’ve read the entire [statement] and … right now, I’m terrified. I’m the guy that went out and bought armored cars.”

“I needed to get to a point where I was ready, able and willing to call out bullshit rather than just smiling my way through it.” TAYLOR SWIFT

But Swift is adamant about pressing the button to send a nearly internet-breaking Instagram post, saying that Blackburn has voted against reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act as well as LGBTQ-friendly bills: “I can’t see another commercial [with] her disguising these policies behind the words ‘Tennessee Christian values.’ I live in Tennessee. I am Christian. That’s not what we stand for.” Pushing back tears, she laments not having come out against Trump two years earlier, “but I can’t change that. … I need to be on the right side of history. … Dad, I need you to forgive me for doing it, because I’m doing it.”

Says Swift now, “This was a situation where, from a humanity perspective, and from what my moral compass was telling me I needed to do, I knew I was right, and I really didn’t care about repercussions.” She understands why she faced such heated opposition in the room: “My dad is terrified of threats against my safety and my life, and he has to see how many stalkers we deal with on a daily basis, and know that this is his kid. It’s where he comes from.”

Swift was recently announced as the recipient of a Vanguard Award from GLAAD, and she name-checked the org in her basher-bashing single “You Need to Calm Down,” which was released as one of the teaser tracks for last fall’s more outwardly directed and socially conscious “Lover” album. Part of her politicization, she says, is feeling it would be hypocritical to hang out with her gay friends while leaving them to their own devices politically. In the film, she says, “I think it is so frilly and spineless of me to stand onstage and go ‘Happy Pride Month, you guys,’ and then not say this, when someone’s literally coming for their neck.”

A year and a half later, she elaborates: “To celebrate but not advocate felt wrong for me. Using my voice to try to advocate was the only choice to make. Because I’ve talked about equality and sung about it in songs like ‘Welcome to New York,’ but we are at a point where human rights are being violated. When you’re saying that certain people can be kicked out of a restaurant because of who they love or how they identify, and these are actual policies that certain politicians vocally stand behind, and they disguise them as family values, that is sinister. So, so dark.”

Her increasing alignment with the LGBTQ community wasn’t the only thing raising her consciousness to a breaking — i.e., speaking — point. So did the sexual assault trial in which judgment was rendered that she had been groped by a DJ in a backstage photo op (for financial restitution, Swift had asked for $1).

Her experience with the trial was crucial, she says, in finding herself “needing to speak up about beliefs I’d always had, because it felt like an opportunity to shed light on what those trials are like. I experienced it as a person with extreme privilege, so I can only imagine what it’s like when you don’t have that. And I think one theme that ended up emerging in the film is what happens when you are not just a people pleaser but someone who’s always been respectful of authority figures, doing what you were supposed to do, being polite at all costs. I still think it’s important to be polite, but not at all costs,” she says. “Not when you’re being pushed beyond your limits, and not when people are walking all over you. I needed to get to a point where I was ready, able and willing to call out bulls— rather than just smiling my way through it.”

That came into play when Kanye West stepped into her life and publicly shamed her a second time. In the video Kim Kardashian released in 2016, you can hear the people-pleasing Swift on the other end of the line sheepishly thanking him for letting her know about the “Me and Taylor might still have sex” line he plans to include about her in a song — only to regret it later when the eventual track also includes the claim “Why? I made that bitch famous.” The boast, of course, referred back to the moment when he interrupted her and stole her spotlight at the MTV VMAs six years earlier as she was in the middle of an acceptance speech. West’s is not a name that ever publicly escapes Swift’s lips, so it might be surprising to fans that these events are recapped in “Miss Americana,” although Swift says the filmic decisions were all up to the director, who explains that Swift’s reaction to the episode was important to include.

“With the 2009 VMAs, it surprised me that when she talked about how the whole crowd was booing, she thought that they were booing her, and how devastating that was,” says Wilson. “That was something I hadn’t thought about or heard before, and made it much more relatable and understandable to anyone.”

“I see the movie as looking at the flip side of being America’s sweetheart.” LANA WILSON, DIRECTOR OF “TAYLOR SWIFT: MISS AMERICANA”

Swift acknowledges how formative both incidents have been in her life, for ill and good. “As a teenager who had only been in country music, attending my very first pop awards show,” she says now, “somebody stood up and sent me the message: ‘You are not respected here. You shouldn’t be here on this stage.’ That message was received, and it burrowed into my psyche more than anyone knew. … That can push you one of two ways: I could have just curled up and decided I’m never going to one of those events ever again, or it could make me work harder than anyone expects me to, and try things no one expected, and crave that respect — and hopefully one day get it.

“But then when that person who sparked all of those feelings comes back into your life, as he did in 2015, and I felt like I finally got that respect (from West), but then soon realized that for him it was about him creating some revisionist history where he was right all along, and it was correct, right and decent for him to get up and do that to a teenage girl…” She sighs. “I understand why Lana put it in.”

Adds the woman who started her recent “Lover” album with a West-allusive romp that’s pointedly called “I Forgot That You Existed”: “I don’t think too hard about this stuff now.”

What’s not in the film is any mention of her other most famous nemeses — Scooter Braun and Scott Borchetta of Big Machine Records, with whom she’s scrapped publicly for several months. “The Big Machine stuff happened pretty late in our process,” says Wilson. “We weren’t that far from picture lock. But there’s also not much to say that isn’t publicly known. I feel like Taylor’s put the story out there in her own words already, and it’s been widely covered. I was interested in telling the story that hadn’t been told before, that would be surprising and emotionally powerful to audiences whether they were music industry people or not.”

Still, the way Swift has been willing to stand up politically for others parallels the manner in which she stood up for herself in regard to Braun, et al., at the recent Billboard Women in Music Awards, where she gave an altogether blistering speech, naming names and taking no prisoners, going after the men who now control her six-album Big Machine back catalog. Certainly Swift was aware that, along with supporters, there were many friends and business associates of Braun among the VIPs in the Hollywood Palladium who would not be pleased with what this very reformed people-pleaser had to say.

One thing everyone who was in the room agrees on is that you could hear a pin drop as Swift used the speech to get even bolder about the meat of these disputes. Some would say it’s because they were riveted by her boldness in speaking truth to power, others because they just felt uncomfortable. Says one fellow honoree who works in a high position in the industry (and who’s worked with some high-profile Braun clients): “People were excited for her at the beginning of the speech. But once she started going in a negative direction at an event that is supposed to be celebrating accomplishments and rah-rah for women, I felt it fell flat with a good portion of the room, because it wasn’t the appropriate place to be saying it.”

Wasn’t it intimidating for Swift, knowing she might be polarizing an auditorium full of the most powerful people in the business? “Well, I do sleep well at night knowing that I’m right,” she responds, “and knowing that in 10 years it will have been a good thing that I spoke about artists’ rights to their art, and that we bring up conversations like: Should record deals maybe be for a shorter term, or how are we really helping artists if we’re not giving them the first right of refusal to purchase their work if they want to?”

“Obviously, anytime you’re standing up against or for anything, you’re never going to receive unanimous praise. But that’s what forces you to be brave. And that’s what’s different about the way I live my life now.” (Braun’s camp did not respond to a request for comment.)

One thing Taylor Swift can’t bend to her determined will is her family’s health. She revealed a few years ago that her mother, Andrea, a beloved figure among the thousands of fans who’ve met her at road shows, is battling breast cancer. Swift addressed the uncertainty of that struggle in an anguished song on her latest album, “Soon You’ll Get Better.” Many who view “Miss Americana” will look for signs of how her mom is doing. The subject comes up in a section of the film that includes a relatively light-hearted scene in in which it’s shown that one of Andrea Swift’s ways of saying “eff you” to cancer recently was to break the mold and bring a canine — her “cancer dog” — into a famously feline-friendly family.

The real answer may come in Swift’s touring activity for “Lover.” Whereas typically she’d spend nine months in the year after an album release on the road, she plans to limit herself to four stadium dates in America this summer and a trip around the festival circuit in Europe. This may not be 100% for personal reasons: “I wanted to be able to perform in places that I hadn’t performed in as much, and to do things I hadn’t done before, like Glastonbury,” she says. “I feel like I haven’t done festivals, really, since early in my career — they’re fun and bring people together in a really cool way. But I also wanted to be able to work as much as I can handle right now, with everything that’s going on at home. And I wanted to figure out a way that I could do both those things.”

Is being able to be there for her mother the main concern? “Yeah, that’s it. That’s the reason,” she says. “I mean, we don’t know what is going to happen. We don’t know what treatment we’re going to choose. It just was the decision to make at the time, for right now, for what’s going on.”

In her case, it’s as if her manager had taken seriously ill as well as the person she’s always been closest to, all at once. “Everyone loves their mom; everyone’s got an important mom,” she allows. “But for me, she’s really the guiding force. Almost every decision I make, I talk to her about it first. So obviously it was a really big deal to ever speak about her illness.” During filming, when Andrea’s breast cancer had returned for a second time, “she was going through chemo, and that’s a hard enough thing for a person to go through.” Then it got harder. Speaking about this latest development publicly for the first time, Swift quietly reveals: “While she was going through treatment, they found a brain tumor. And the symptoms of what a person goes through when they have a brain tumor is nothing like what we’ve ever been through with her cancer before. So it’s just been a really hard time for us as a family.”

Compared with that, nearly any other topic the movie might address would pale. But it finds weightiness in addressing other kinds of unhealthiness, like the physical expectations that are placed on women in general and celebrity women specifically, Swift being no exception. In this department, she has her own heroines. “I love people like Jameela Jamil, because he way she speaks about body image, it’s almost like she speaks in a hook. Women are held to such a ridiculous standard of beauty, and we’re seeing so much on social media that makes us feel like we are less than, or we’re not what we should be, that you kind of need a mantra to repeat in your head when you start to have unhealthy thoughts. I swear the way Jameela speaks is like lyrics — it gets stuck in my head and it calms me down.”

Swift’s collaborator in this messaging, Wilson, was on a list of potential directors Netflix gave her when she expressed interest in possibly doing a documentary to follow the concert special that premiered on the service just over a year ago. You could discern a feminist message, if you chose to, in the fact that Swift chose a director most well known for a documentary about abortion providers, “After Tiller.” Swift says she was most impressed, though, that Wilson’s docs look for nuance and subtlety in addressing subjects that do lend themselves to soapboxes, and their first conversation was about their mutual desire to avoid “propaganda” in any form.

If there’s a feminist agenda in “Miss Americana,” Wilson and Swift wanted it to emerge naturally, although the director admits it was pretty blatant from the outset, given that she set up the film (which is co-produced by Morgan Neville, the director’s “sounding board”) with an all-female crew. Or nearly all-female, says Wilson, laughing, “I will say that we did always have male production assistants, because I like trying to show people that men can fetch coffee for women.”

Adds Wilson, “When I started filming, it was before she’d come out politically. She knew that she was coming out of a very dark period, and wanted collaborate on something that captured what she was going through and that was really raw and honest and emotionally intimate.” The political awakening, the director says, “was a profound decision for her to make. In that, I saw this feminist coming of age story that I personally connected with, and that I really think women and girls around the world will see themselves in.”

“The bigger your career gets, the more you struggle with the idea that a lot of people see you the same way they see an iPhone or a Starbucks.” TAYLOR SWIFT

The film borrows its title from a song on the “Lover” album, “Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince,” that’s maybe the one fully allegorical song Swift has ever released — and, in its fashion, is a great protest song. The entire lyric is a metaphor for how Swift grew up as an unblinking patriot and has had to reluctantly leave behind her naiveté in the age of Trump. Her partner on that track, as well as other message songs like “You Need to Calm Down” and “The Man,” was a co-writer and co-producer new to her stable of collaborators this time around, Joel Little.

With the song “Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince,” although the lyrics are cloaked in metaphor, “We like to think it was a very clear statement,” Little says. “There are lots of little hidden messages within that song that are all pointing toward the way that she thinks and feels about politics and the United States. I love that it uses a lot of classic Taylor Swift imagery, in terms of the songwriting topics of high school and cheerleaders, as a clever nod to what she’s done in the past, but tied in with a heavy political message.”

“Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince” doesn’t actually appear in the documentary, but the director says the film’s title is understood by fans as an obvious reference to political themes in the number. “Even if you don’t know the song,” Wilson says, “I see the movie as looking at the flip side of being America’s sweetheart, so I like how the title evokes that too.”

The doc doesn’t lack for its own protest songs though. In the wake of her midterm disappointment, Swift is seen writing an anthem for millennials who might have come away disillusioned with the political process. That previously unheard song, “Only the Young,” is seen being demo-ed before it plays in full over the end credits; it’ll be released as a digital single in conjunction with the doc. Key lyric: ““You did all that you could do / The game was rigged, the ref got tricked/ The wrong ones think they’re right / We were outnumbered — this time.”

“One thing I think is amazing about her,” says Wilson, “is that she goes to the studio and to songwriting as a place to process what she’s going through. I loved how, when she got the Grammy news (about “Reputation”), this isn’t someone who’s going to feel sorry for herself or say ‘That wasn’t right.’ She’s like, ‘Okay, I’m going to work even harder.’ You see her strength of character in that moment when she gets that news. And then with the election results, I loved how she channeled so many of her thoughts and feelings into ‘Only the Young.’ It was a great way to kind of show how stuff that happens in her life goes directly into the songs; you get to witness that in both cases.

So is the film aimed at satisfying the fan base or teasing the unconvinced hordes who might dial it up as a free stream? “I think it’s a little bit of both,” Swift says. “I chose Netflix because it’s a very vast, accessible medium to people who are just like, ‘Hey, what’s this? I’m bored.’ I love that, because I do so many things that cater specifically to fans that like my music, I think it’s important to put yourself out there to people who don’t care at all about you.”

In the wake of the last round of Kanye-gate, stung by the backlash of those who took his side, Swift took a three-year break from interviews. The mantra of her 2017 album “Reputation” and subsequent tour was “No explanations.” But her Beyoncé-style press blackout was a passing phase. With “Lover” and now, especially, the documentary, she could hardly be more about the explanations. Although this interview is the only one she currently plans to do about the documentary, it’s clear that she’s come back into a season of openness, and that she considers it her natural habitat.

“I really like the whole discussion around music. And during ‘Reputation,’ it never felt like it was ever going to be about music, no matter what I said or did,” she says. “I approach albums differently, in how I want to show them to the world or what I feel comfortable with at that time in my life.” Being more transparent “feels great with this album. I really feel like I could just keep making stuff — it’s that vibe right now. I don’t think I’ve ever written this much. That’s exhibited in ‘Lover’ having the most songs that I’ve ever had on an album” (18, to be exact). “But even after I made the album, I kept writing and going in the studio. That’s a new thing I’ve experienced this time around. That openness kind of feels like you finally got the lid off a jar you’ve been working at for years.”

Cipher-dom never could have stood for long for someone who’s established herself as one of the most accomplished confessional singer-songwriters in pop history. “I don’t really operate very well as an enigma,” she says. “It’s not fulfilling to me. It works really well in a lot of pop careers, but I think that it makes me feel completely unable to do what I had gotten in this to do, which is to communicate to people. I live for the feeling of standing on a stage and saying, ‘I feel this way,’ and the crowd responding with ‘We do too!’ And me being like, ‘Really?’ And they’re like, ‘Yes!’”

Swift believes talking things up again isn’t a form of giving in to narcissism — it’s a way of warding off commodification.

“The bigger your career gets, the more you struggle with the idea that a lot of people see you the same way they see an iPhone or a Starbucks,” she muses. “They’ve been inundated with your name in the media, and you become a brand. That’s inevitable for me, but I do think that it’s really necessary to feel like I can still communicate with people. And as a songwriter, it’s really important to still feel human and process things in a human way. The through line of all that is humanity, and reaching out and talking to people and having them see things that aren’t cute.

[official-michael-afton]

Some Theatre AU fluff

GUESS WHAT I WROTE THIS IN ONE SITTING- NO PROOFREADS OR SECOND DRAFTS ON THIS BLOG WE PUBLISH OUR FICS AS CRUDE AND UNPOLISHED AS THEY COME- ALSO NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS BUT YOURE GETTING IT ANYWAYS

No content warnings- just Michael discovering he has a knack for performing on stage and some Mike/Will fluff at the end!

Michael had never considered himself to take the spotlight. That was his father, his mother- hell, even his younger sister Elizabeth had the natural knack for performing in front of others. Not Michael, though, he kept more to himself. Not that there was anything wrong with that. No, Michael was just the more… introverted type.

Not that he didn’t love theatre as much as his family! He was raised on it, practically. He would listen to Les Mis while working on homework, Phantom of the Opera sent chills down his spine with every performance, once he was older, he was allowed to indulge in Jekyll and Hyde’s musical, and even recently he got into the more modern tones of shows like Hamilton.

Even when he turned teenager, his father let him work alongside Henry in taking care of backstage work. Michael was nothing short of ecstatic to help out however he could- and he got to see the strings behind the magic! Every prop and set piece, where actors would rapidly change costumes between scenes, and every last piece of equipment. It was like he was let in on some mystic secret, knowing what went into making every scene as powerful as possible for the audience.

Today, the theatre was empty, and the teen marveled how his footsteps echoed through the room as he walked down the aisle. Something about “acoustics”, Henry would describe it as. He didn’t know the science of a hall like this, but it was still super cool the way sound bounced all around. He trotted up to the sound and light board, flicking through each stage and spot light, testing to make sure nothing burned out since their last performance. Once he determined everything was in order, he went through a sound test with a pre-recorded track(it’s not like the orchestra was there quite yet).

Michael hummed, a feeling of serenity washing over him as sound filled the theatre hall. As the tech crew were not set to arrive until later that afternoon for their performance, and the actors all in a rehearsal room to go over their songs, Michael had the entire stage all to himself.

All to himself…

That gave him an idea as one of the main tracks began to play, and the teen stepped away from the light and sound board, and instead favored approaching the stage. It was high up from the audience seats, but he was able to hoist himself up onto the frontmost lip of the stage. The music picked up from the orchestral prelude, and Michael felt his heart swell alongside the music.

Every light was on him, and it was warm- hot, even. He could hardly see into the audience- imagine how many loving audience members these actors are unable to see… Though, that didn’t sadden Michael- not at all. It felt… different. Working behind the scenes, he was able to watch the audience and see how they reacted to the magic… but being blinded by the stage lights… it felt like he was in a world disconnected from the audience. He felt like he was a part of the magic that the audience drank up.

Next thing he knew, his feet were going along to the music. He saw the lead perform this song dozens of times, he knew the choreography by heart. Every movement across stage- granted, he wasn’t able to do any fancy footwork, but he knew his way around the set, and found himself climbing the stairs of the set house, standing right in the spotlight. He began to mouth along to the lyrics-

Only, there were none. He must’ve played the instrumental track, shoot, and he was really getting into it…

Michael looked up at the lights that seemed to radiate energy onto him… and remembered the theatre was empty. It was just him and the stage. Maybe it’s not that bad if he sings along… since there’s no one to judge him. It’s just him and the magic of the theatre hall.

… So, he began to sang. He of course knew every track by heart, and since he had the security of being alone and unheard, he had no qualms in singing full volume. It was something he never really had done before… and holy shit, did it feel good. As he reached the end of a verse, and had to hold a note for a few seconds, he felt the air leave his lungs and leave him lightheaded… and yet, it filled him with more energy. He sucked in a deep breath, feeling how his lungs inflated to prepare for the next verse, and suddenly he felt the need to move again.

Navigating across the stage felt natural- as if he wasn’t on a stage, but rather in the actual location of the set they built. His imagination ran wild- he could see himself as the main lead, serenading a full house and moving an audience to tears; sending chills down their spines just as he feels watching every show. His legs ached from the running back and forth, from the movement he never practiced, yet it felt so wonderful, it felt like every step- every note- was an extension of himself. Every last ounce of his energy- of his being- went into his performance… he began to see the thrill of why so many choose the acting life.

His heart was racing as the song reached its end, and he ran to the front of the stage- right under every light- feeling how they warmed him and set his soul on fire… here he was, just him and the stage, him and the show…

The music gave one final swell as Michael belted the last note- inwardly surprised he was able to not only hit such a high tenor note, but hold it. His arms were outstretched as he held the note, eyes closed and feeling magic replace the air that left his lungs, feeling some unseen energy swirl around him and fill his being. In this moment, he felt more alive than he ever had before, and in this moment, time almost seemed to stop…

Suddenly, time had returned to normal, and the track ended, leaving Michael breathless and tired… oh, but did he feel so fulfilled. His chest heaved and he held the pose, smiling up at the lights above and imagining a full house in the audience- cheering and giving a standing ovation, throwing roses at him, clapping-

Clapping?

It took him a moment to realize he wasn’t imagining it, but someone has been applauding him- When did they get there?! How long had they been watching him?! He tried to see, but the lights were blinding him from being able to see out into the seats!

Suddenly, the stage lights dimmed and the house lights brightened, making it just as bright on stage as it was in the audience, and Michael could finally see past the stage… only to find his own Father and the sound and light board.

“Wh- Father-!!!” Michael’s face flushed in pure embarrassment to find he wasn’t as alone as he led himself to believe. “How long had you been-?!”

“I saw nearly the whole thing, to be blunt.” William chuckled, stepping away from the equipment to approach the stage “I was going to check on you and make sure you were alright, though when I stepped in here, you were going through… quite the sound check. The stage mics work quite well.”

“Oh, bloody hell…” Michael sat down on the edge of the stage, burying his face in his hands and wishing he could just shrink into his hoodie and hide there forever. “Why are the gods so cruuueeel…”

“Hey, hey, and here I was told I’m the dramatic one.” William chuckled to himself, then finally reached the stage and hopped up beside his son, placing a reassuring hand on his back “Why are you so embarrassed? Michael, that was… wonderful! Especially for someone with no practice!”

“…” The teen hesitantly pulled his hands away from his face, which was still red, and looked up at his father “You really think… that was good?”

“Listen, I know I’m your father and everything you do is amazing to me, but… speaking from a purely theatrical standpoint… Michael, that was amazing! Not many can hit a high note like that so naturally!” … He smirked “Maybe I should replace our lead with you.”

“Daaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!” Michael hid his face again, shaking his head “It’s bad enough when one person was watching me!!!”

“Okay okay, no leads for you quite yet… But… Could this possibly be my chance to convince you to audition for our next show~?”

“…” Michael stayed still and quiet, clearly taking his time to answer… but soon gave a very muffled, but very definitive “Maybe…”

“That’s not a no!!!”

“DAD!!!”

[rkjeongin-blog]

⭐️MGA 5 EPISODE 1 singing step by step by oh my girl (00:06 - 01:27 // 02:35 - 02:54 // 03:23 - 03:42) callback performance, or how to discover u have a crush mid-song

‘‘ When you get one step, two steps farther away I will take three steps toward you So we won’t get any farther apart ’’

he hums it on his way to school, during class, during lunch, on his way back home, in the shower, in his bed. jeongin never expected a callback, even if he dreamed of it, even if everyone around him encouraged him and kept saying he would make it through. he remembers hongjoong sending words of support, always taking care of him as if he were his own son (and let's be honest, he pretty much is at this point), yeji helping him through the song selection process and listening to him pratice, and his main inspiration, chojin, just getting him through most days with her smile and positivity. he wants to sing this for her, initially. the song is very pure and soft, it makes him think of her. in a way, he came on this show hoping to meet her again, or do her justice as her number one fan. he's also doing it for him, because he loves to sing, he loves idols and it would be amazing to be able to become one himself. inspire others as they inspired him... be someone special. if he's able to find all of these things within himself by standing on that stage, proudly, and show the contestants that he might look like nothing but is full of surprises then maybe his goal will be achieved.

he can't contain his amazement when they are brought in this huge set. so many lights, and seats, and staff member buzzing around. that is only when jeongin realizes that a hundred people is more than he thought. he has to stand out among them? beat a hundred of these people to make it to the end? it's impossible, it feels like. unimaginable. and yet he already made it here, and that's something worth celebrating. "woah!" it really the only thing that comes out of his mouth from the very moment he walks in to the moment the first contestant is called to the stage. he second doubts every single choice he made until now every time another person sings or dances. should he introduce himself like him? smile more like her? is his song too boring? not upbeat enough? or rather, not slow enough?

he clings to his seat and dreads the moment he will have to walk up there and embarrass himself in front of all these people, most of them older than he is. they all look so good, dolled up for the filming while jeongin didn't really think anything through. everyone he sat with keep calling him cute, saying he doesn't have to worry about a thing, but unfortunately they are not the ones who will perform in his place. there's no way to be sure he won't trip over or really throw up this time like he felt like doing on his audition. he closes his eyes a few times, focusing on his own breathing instead of the boys and girls showing off their talents. but he cheers for them too, applauds, even stands up when it's really good and impressive. he's not here to judge. he leaves that to the ceos, intimidating as they are. they know what they're doing unlike him.

"next up, yang jeongin-ssi." it's time.

his heart drops, and a cold wave washes over him. there's still time to back away... he needs a little push, and he gets it. hands land on his back and gently push him forward, leaving him no choice but to go for it, step by step, just like the lyrics he's about to sing. he finds courage in these words, because you're not always able to leap forward. when tiny steps are the only thing you can manage to make, you're still moving on. and that's not something to feel shameful about at all.

it's the irony of it all. the bright, cheerful, always positive jeongin shaking from head to toe as he stands in front of these five prestigious artists and ceos. they have years of experience he doesn't, have seen countless auditions and stages and can probably already kind of foresee who among them will make it to the end and who won't. sure, there are always a few wild cards in the mix but jeongin is certain he isn't one of them. he wants to show them his true self, he wants to be as colorful as he was during the triple threat challenge. but the scale is so much bigger right now.

he takes a deep breath. 'step by step'.

he regains strength once he looks over to one side of the stage and sees all the familiar faces. his cousins, his friends, who are all smiling at him, seemingly telling him he can do it. they believe in him, and so should he. he greets the audience with a lot more enthusiasm than could be expect when he first came up. "hello everyone!" he waves over to the judges, and both sides of the stage, exuding cuteness as he smiles brightly. "i'm baby fox yang jeongin! please look after me~" he can hear some faint laughter coming from the contestants, and it has him rub the back of his neck shyly. people do tell him he looks like a fox, and a baby, so he just put two and two together and made it his brand.

jeongin gets ready and just like that, his two minutes start. this will determine whether he is meant to be a real mga season 5 contestant or not, but in this moment all he can think of is not messing the intro to his song.

Where are you walking right now? Say you love me, say you love me

his voice sounds soft, angelic even. his eyes are closed, wanting to really live through the emotions of the song. there is chojin on his mind since the beginning. she is, after all, the one he always calls his future wife. the only person he always says he will ever love. but that couldn't be more untrue, because just as he's about to go into the first verse, he finally takes a look around him and instinctively searches for the people he cares about. his eyes meet seungmin's and suddenly the whole song makes so much sense.

The weather’s so nice, I’m dreaming About holding your hand and looking into your eyes Dduba dduba dduba dduba I do Dduba dduba dduba dduba I do I couldn’t sleep a single bit, I think I’m sick That’s right, I like you

seungmin's kindness. seungmin's smile. seungmin's hands when they reach for his. seungmin's warmth and hugs. in this very moment, in this very place, in front of these very people, does jeongin finally realize that he's been liking seungmin all along. that these butterflies, this shortness of breath, this weird feeling of longing, these rapid heartbeats, all meant one thing and one thing only. it's his hand he wants to hold, his lips he would like to taste... if he were to ever have his first kiss. for a while he keeps looking over at the older boy, completely fascinated by these newly embraced feelings.

When you get one step, two steps farther away I will take three steps toward you So we won’t get any farther apart When you take one step, two steps closer I will stay right here So it doesn’t feel like our love is going too fast

Say you love me, say you ddururudduddu Say you love me, say you love me

he doesn't know if he could ever ask seungmin if he feels the same way. there hasn't been any clear hint, besides how sweet he always acts with him, but most of his close hyungs are the same with him. they spoil him, protect him, and support him. he doesn't know why it feels different with seungmin, but maybe he just projects his love onto him. for it to be mutual would almost be too good to be true, and he wonders how amazing it must be to have someone like you back, someone you can share everything with.

this melody might be light and enchanting, but the vocals require a lot of power too once they reach the high notes. jeongin is confident that he can reach them and sustain them. that is what he studies, and he achieve great things when he practices enough. he goes on to the bridge and final part, his time on stage already coming to an end.

On & on, On & on don’t hesitate Uh uh uh~, Come to me, uh uh uh~ A little closer, a little closer Come a little closer Don’t get any farther away Come a little closer

When you take one step, two steps closer I will stay right here So it doesn’t feel like our love is going too fast

he needs a few seconds to recover after the music has already faded out, and finally bows before leaving the stage, knees about to give out. he feels drained, and can't look at seungmin at all by the time he reaches his seat.

[douxreviews]

Star Trek: Discovery - ‘Such Sweet Sorrow, Part 2′ Review

"Let's see what the future holds."

By nature I love brevity: Star Trek: Discovery delivers on the promises of the season in its dramatic finale that warps off into Season Three ready to try something new. My predictions were mostly correct, with a few surprises. Some of those surprises were substantially more welcome than others.

Last week's episode made us a whole lot of promises and set up a lot of things to happen here. All the emotional stakes of that episode hinged on the fulfillment of those promises and set-ups, though, so no matter what, if they didn't follow through we were going to feel cheated. I went into this finale with a small bit of trepidation that they might fake us out and not deliver, but those fears were happily quashed. If nothing else, I want to applaud the show for delivering on its promises, and for doing so in a way that provided entertainment and diversion for an hour and left me feeling mostly satisfied.

But, of course, I do have to talk about what went wrong. Most of this episode's problems, and indeed the whole season's problems, are the result of logical inconsistencies. For example, if they had a map of the red bursts the whole time, why couldn't they figure out where each burst was going to appear? Even if they didn't know which burst corresponded to which one on the map, after the first three they should have known the location of all seven. That was the main thing about the season as a whole that bothered me.

The biggest and most egregious problem in 'Such Sweet Sorrow, Part 2' is the entire situation involving Cornwell and the torpedo. How contrived can you get, really? This seems to me to be the most stupid and pointless sacrifice since Captain America: The First Avenger, and it's certainly the dumbest thing this show has ever done. I can't even begin to fathom why anyone would think that little tiny door could do anything at all when we were told it would take out four decks/half the ship. If the door is so powerful, why isn't the whole ship made out of the same material? How is the window still intact after the blast? For that matter, why the actual heck did they put a window in a blast door? Even the reason Cornwell decided to stick around in that room with the torpedo was hopelessly contrived. Pike made some very good points about time travel and his future, and she dismissed them for no reason at all. Very disappointing and completely unnecessary. Jayne Brook and Admiral Cornwell deserve way better.

The second major issue involves Controlland and his death. First and foremost, if the Control AI was destroyed when Georgiou killed it, why do they even still need to go to the future? If destroying Control was as easy as magnetizing a whatever for a few minutes, why not focus your efforts on that rather than the time travel stuff? They even had a golden opportunity to solve all these problems and bring back some nice continuity at the same time. Why not just have Georgiou use the spores to send Controlland somewhere else, like Lorca did with Burnham way back in 'Context is for Kings'? Plus, the magnetizing the whatever solution is really dumb and sounds contrived.

All this makes it sound like I hated 'Sorrow II.' I didn't. It was largely entertaining, and despite those two major things that grated on me and a few other minor gripes, the finale did its job well. It managed partly to earn the melodrama of 'Sorrow I' and to wrap up the season's arcs in a neat and tidy manner. Let me dive further into the things I liked.

Firstly, Olatunde Osunsamni's direction was on point this week. His stylistic, swooping camera and weird, dynamic directorial choices are actually really well-suited to big action setpieces like this one. While I may not like his apparent vow to never allow the camera to be still at any moment, even in dialogue or other low-energy sequences, Osunsamni gets to infuse his energy here into a show that warrants it. On that same note, all the action was quite good and interesting to watch. The production values on this show continue to be absolutely through the roof, and it works really, really well.

I also loved, though it can very easily be dismissed as fan service, the ending with Pike, Spock, and the Enterprise. The show is certainly leaning into fan hopes for a show centered around them, for no clear reason. Clearly, they could very well do something like that, and it would be highly anticipated and probably very well received. It's ultimately up to the producers, but I really think that if they do intend to do it, it will have to be really far down the pipeline. If it were coming in the near future, we'd have heard something of it by now.

The portion of the end that deals with Discovery's supposed breaches of canon was a long time in coming. I think I'd made my peace that time travel would fix it all about a month ago, so bringing my feelings about it back is a bit difficult. If the writers had all this planned from the beginning, then kudos to them. If not, then at least they found a decent way to fix everything they'd broken. One of the things that's in the grand tradition of Star Trek is taking mistakes and discrepancies and using them for the benefit of later stories, so I'm quite pleased that this occurred here. Did they have to force it because it was necessary for the show? Yes. But let's not lose sight of the fact that it was necessary for the show.

A few surprises lurked in this episode, even though the resolution went more or less as anticipated. The first of these was that Georgiou was on the Disco as it went off into the wild blue yonder. I had expected, since Michelle Yeoh's Section 31 series is coming, that Georgiou would be left behind in the past in light of that. Not so here. This raises many questions about that Section 31 show, what Yeoh's role in it will be, and how she will play into DIS Season 3, so many that I won't go into them all here. Suffice it to say, I was surprised, and I will be interested to see where it goes from here.

Secondly, I was surprised at the arrival of everything the rest of the season had done, now coming back to help the Disco accomplish its mission. Although I suppose everything did have to be a part of a grand design like Pike and Spock have been saying all along, I was not expecting Siranna and the Kelpiens in particular. A nice touch, certainly, as was the timely arrival of L'Rell and her Klingon armada. Speaking Klingon under heavy makeup does tend to work much better when it's being yelled angrily at one's enemies in the heat of battle than it does when discussing Imperial politics while sitting at home. Plus, Mary Chieffo got to say 'Today is a good day to die' before the show left her behind.

So overall, I think I liked it. It did what it needed to do, and not a whole ton more. What more it did was mixed material, but so is this show in general. I left it feeling satisfied, and even excited for the road ahead. Take her out, folks. Let's see what she can do.

Pensees:

-Holy crap, that's a lot of shuttles. Voyager's jealous.

-I half expected Reno to die, and Po to go to the future. I'm not sad that those things didn't happen, though.

-Keep on being sassy as heck, Dr. Pollard.

-I thought Burnham and Spock's goodbye was just fine the first time, in the shuttlebay. At the end of the episode it was terribly overdone, although Ethan Peck did his darnedest to help it along.

-Is Anthony Rapp's return to the show for Season Three in doubt? They left his life still in danger at the end of the episode. I hope not; I like Stamets. His resolution with Culber felt a little out of place amid the chaos of the episode, though.

-Lots of visual cues to Star Trek: The Motion Picture in this episode, from Burnham's travel through time to the same streaky-light wormhole effect when the ship does the same.

-That really is a dang useful blast door. Voyager's jealous.

-Number One STILL doesn't have a canonical name. Why couldn't she just have given it in the debriefing scene. It's not hard!

-So Tyler has been made the head of Section 31 for now. I guess that means he'll definitely be in Yeoh's series, right?

-Clean-shaven Spock in uniform was great to see, and the shot that panned out from the bridge to the ship in space was a definite nod to 'The Cage.'

-Props to Jeff Russo for his awesome mix of the classic TOS theme and the DIS theme. I really like the music of this show in general.

Quotes:

Po: "First, I invoke diplomatic immunity for stealing this shuttle."

Reno: "I'm going, I'm going! Get off my ass! Sir! Get off my ass, sir!"

Saru: "Promise me you'll be safe." Everything: *continues exploding*

Burnham: "So you're asking me to take a leap of faith." Spock: "One that is only logical."

Controlland: "Where's my data?" Nhan, searching for the most useless response possible: "Hell!"

Controlland: "This doesn't have to be this hard!" Georgiou: "Not hard is boring, and I hate boring."

Number One: "Plans A and B didn't work. This is the Hail Mary part of the operation."

Burnham: "Find that person who seems farthest from you, and reach for them. Reach for them."

4.5 out of 6 really useful blast doors.

CoramDeo is a reviewer, not a bricklayer.

[theheavymetalmama]

For some reason tumblr doesn't let me reblog your post about cindy, so I hope it's okay to send my thoughts via ask. PART 1 - I haven’t read your initial review. I actually do agree that Cindy is a bit over the top. I also hope that FFXVI will be about four girls trying to reclaim the throne for a future queen. There is one point I have to disagree though.“ Never mind the fact that no free-spirited and outgoing person would spend their time at a garage in the middle of nowhere, “

“PART 2 - First, what choice does Cindy have? Crown City was not accessible, iirc? She was where her Paw Paw needed her to be. Secondly, yes, free-spirited and outgoing can also mean, being a mechanic and spending a lot of time in a garage. That’s not mutually exclusive. This point by you is stupid and very subjective. Otherwise, FFXV is not a feminist game and I knew that before I ordered it. It brings me joy, despite it being so male-centered.

PART 3, final part - What is a little feminist about it, is, that they show they boys having feelings and having problems talking about them, crying even at some points. That goes against toxic masculinity and I applaud it for this.”

I don’t mind at all, though I do find it strange that it’s not letting you reblog my post. Just Tumblr being Tumblr again, I suppose. Also, sorry for the delayed reply. I have precious little spare time these days.

To sum up my review, I like FFXV. I don’t love it, but I like it. The environment is gorgeous, the gameplay is fun, the story is a mess, the roles women play is woeful, and of the four main characters only Gladiolus is the one I find consistently likable while the rest flip-flop to “Yeah, he’s cool I guess” to “Oh fuck right off!” Seriously, Gladiolus should have been the main character.

As for Cindy being a bit over the top, I have to strongly disagree with you on that one. She’s not a little over the top; she’s off the freaking wall. Not only is she the only character who dresses like that, but her mannerisms are just absurd. Given the tone and setting of the rest of the game, her scenes feel like bits and snippets from Boogie Nights spliced into The Fellowship of the Ring.

And before anybody asks, no, I’m not slut-shaming Cindy. I’m stupid-shaming the game designers. Big difference.

As for Cindy not having a choice, I think she does. Now you can chalk this up to game mechanics and functionality if you want, but how much business does Hammerhead actually get? I mean, think about it. Not only is it located in the middle of nowhere, but as you mentioned Crown City was completely closed off. Both she and dear ol’ dad (or is it grandpa? I forget) seem to have lots of time on their hands. Cid spends all his time sitting in a lawn chair like a retired Hank Hill while Cindy seems to drop whatever it is she’s doing to either work on your car or come get you and tow the Regalia if you run out of gas or damage it beyond function. Hell, every time you go back to Hammerhead, she’s never working on anything. Not fixing a car or tinkering with an engine or Hell, even taking a lunch break at the diner. She’s always just standing in the driveway doing fuck all.

As for the male bonding angle, I agree. That’s something woefully underused in entertainment and especially in video-games. But there are two major issues I have with it in Final Fantasy XV.

One, these moments of bromance are too few and too far between. As of this post I must have poured over 80 hours into the game and I’ve seen six, maybe seven moments of actual male bonding (in case you’re wondering, my favorite is Gladiolus taking Noctis for a jog on the beach.) The rest of their interactions are just running commentary and an endless exchange of repetitive quips and one-liners. I’m told there’s a particularly sweet scene between Noctis and Prompto at the Three Z’s Motel, but I must have stayed at that place 15 times and it continues to elude me.

Two…how exactly would the presence of a woman in the party suddenly make these moments impossible? They only ever happen when you stay at an inn or make camp, it’s only between Noctis and one other character at a time, and it’s always when the others are either asleep or not around. And when they bring on a female guest member they don’t turn into a bunch horny blithering idiots or “act less sincere” as the developers said, so what exactly am I missing here?

There are two logical explanations. 1.) The developers chickened out on their own premise, or 2.) “An all male cast feels more honest and sincere” is bullshit and just another entry in the long, wearying list of AAA developers using flimsy, pathetic excuses for excluding women from having any role outside of either ‘eye candy’ or ‘love interest.’ It never fails to irritate me that the gaming industry pitches these wild, wonderfully insane ideas from toppling evil empires, fighting dragons and monsters, to taking on robots and mutants in a post-apocalyptic world all the way to exploring the vast reaches of space, but the second somebody brings up putting women into these roles then suddenly all those ideas die and are replaced with excuses.

And before I get the inevitable knee-jerk response to this type of argument (not from you specifically, just in general,) yes, games with female leads exist, but they’re hopelessly~hilariously~outnumbered by male-lead games. And of those female lead games that do exist, the majority them were still designed with the male gaze in mind. If gamers want to play a female lead game where the main character isn’t either sexualized or victimized in some way, shape, or form, well, those gamers are kind of fucked. Either they choke down the fan-service riddled boob parades like that of Bayonetta and the newest torture porn infested Tomb Raider games, or they go back and play Beyond Good Evil, Metroid Prime, and the early Resident Evil games for what feels like the billionth fucking time. And no, games that let you create your own character don’t count. They aren’t characters; they’re avatars.

Still not convinced? Okay, I got a test for you. Make a list of female leads from video-games. To clarify, leads. Not supporting characters, not villains, and certainly not NPCs, but leads. Got your list? Okay. Now cross out the ones that are either blatant sex symbols, bland, or haven’t been featured in a game in over a decade. That list just got a lot shorter, didn’t it?

Now to be fair, yes, the game industry is making at least a token effort to provide customers with more female lead games and more games starring people besides the usual generic brown haired white dude with a bit of stubble on his face in general. I’m excited for Horizon: Zero Dawn and I hope like hell that it’s a game changer (no pun intended) for both female lead games and gaming in general. Yes, it’s getting better.

But as I say time and time again, ‘better’ doesn’t mean ‘good.’ Developers still have to fight publishers tooth and nail just to have a female protagonist, publishers still cling to outdated info about how female leads don’t sell, and when we do get a game featuring a female protagonist more often than not it’s bogged down with achingly sexist tropes (impractical clothing/armor, more thought put into making her look sexy than being a good character, often plays the role of support class like medic, sniper, etc,) or in the case of AssCreedSyn gets left out of almost all the advertising and only gets half the missions and story prominence the male lead gets. Seriously, if Evie really was Ubisoft’s response to the backlash of their “Women are too hard to animate” bullshit then it was the equivalent to expecting us to forgive them for burning our house down because they baked us a cake.

[riverofmemoriesft]

. The Game of Life . 6

Full Summary: “You’re new here, so I’ll explain the rules once.  Winners get one lash, losers die.  It’s quite simple.  The last one standing gets no lash.  We do one game a day here and you live as long as you can stand it.  If you somehow miraculously try to get away, I kill you.  It’s quite simple really.”

Pairings: Natsu x Lucy, Gajeel x Levy

Warnings: This really isn’t a fic for sensitive readers.  Mentions of suicide, descriptive gore, the likes.  It’s rated M, my friends.

It looked as if being dragged out to look at bodies was becoming a habit, and it wasn't exactly a habit that Gajeel wanted to have. Grunting, Gajeel crouched beside the eighth body and squinted at it with thoughtful crimson eyes. "I can't smell anything odd," he told Natsu. Salamander stood beside him with fierce onyx eyes that didn't shine like normal. He was getting anxious and desperate.

"That's because there is no scent," he replied firmly. "That's something that we've found on all of them we've been allowed to see. The only thing that does that is-"

"Nullification," Gajeel finished without looking up. Now, he was gently nudging the dead woman's arm aside, showing Natsu a word that had been cut into her flesh. Natsu grimaced at the sight. "Must have gouged it into her arm herself."

Natsu took in her purple hair and lacking eyes with a growl. "If he lays a hand on Lucy-"

"Anything?"

They looked over as Mirajane shuffled over. She'd agreed to keep an eye on the investigation as Makarov relayed the information around to others. Natsu opened his mouth to speak, but Gajeel cut him off. "Our job just got near impossible," he said as he hopped to his feet, rolling his shoulders. He looked the gentle woman in the eye, grim. "Lady scratched a word onto her arm. 'Nullification'. I'm gonna guess that means the bastard's a mage specializing in nullification magic."

Natsu nodded his agreement. "Would explain all of the lack of scents we've had," he muttered, scowling.

Mirajane narrowed her eyes and then widened them nervously. "Even Erza and I would be useless if we were caught by this man...I may be strong, but I can't overpower a man that can erase my magic."

"That's how he caught Lucy and Levy," Natsu murmured. "He erased their magic...and look at the marks on her back," he added, for the naked woman was on her belly, showing them the nasty lashes. "Those are from Lucy's whip. I haven't seen another one make those kinda marks."

"He's using her whip on them?" Gajeel made a sound of disgust. "We gotta find 'em, and soon. Still two more women who are missin' and I doubt he's gonna stop lookin' for women to add in. Can't just wait for bodies to pile up with clues in tact."

"Right." She ran a hand tiredly through her hair. "These poor women…" Mirajane whispered. "I can imagine how their families feel…" Natsu said nothing, because he knew that she could. She'd thought Lisanna dead for years.

Gajeel rumbled an impatient sound in the back of his throat. "Since when did these fuckers get smart on us? Usually, they make some kind of mistake, but this bastard's not doing anything to give us clues."

"It's quite frustrating," a passing official told them, earning mutters of agreement.

Gajeel studied the lash marks and suddenly scowled. "Levy doesn't need somethin' like this. I know she still has nightmares 'cause of me."

Neither mage said anything, but both exchanged a look that spoke unsaid words of agreement. The days when Levy came to the guildhall with shadows under her eyes, when she jumped for no apparent reason outside of a loud noise…

Gajeel still beat himself up over it. On those days, he was surprisingly gentle with her, buying her whatever she wanted from the bar and whatnot. Levy had been filled to the brim with gratitude, near tears the first time he'd brought her something under the advisory of Pantherlily.

Lily was now in the guildhall alongside his two fellow Exceeds, all of them watching over the terrified Wendy. While the young sky dragon slayer was normally fairly brave, she'd fallen into hysterics after discovering a body, and Makarov had decided only that morning to have her sent to stay with Lamia Scale, where Lyon and Chelia had promised to watch over her.

"Just...keep an eye out for Ayako, would you?" Lyon had pleaded when they'd contacted him about it.

Gajeel wrinkled his nose, thinking of how Sting and Rogue had gone home without finding anything. We're tryin'. We ain't findin' nothin' though.

Natsu said, "We're freaking blind as bats."

"The hell are you talkin' about?" he demanded, looking up at the fire mage, but he wasn't looking at Gajeel. He'd closed his eyes and was taking a deep breath.

Suddenly, his eyes opened. He looked calmer than he'd been since Lucy's disappearance. He slowly knelt beside the body, his nose wrinkling as he inhaled sharply. He said nothing as he ran his fingers over the word Gajeel had fond, leaning in closer and inhaling again. His gaze suddenly locked on something.

"Outskirts," he rumbled, grinning. "This guy's on the outskirts of town. Look at the dirt on her feet, and how the scuff marks are all over. She was dragged here. She could have been screaming and we wouldn't have noticed because of that guy's magic. But she was dragged here, see?" He tapped a heel on the woman's body, looking excited now. "Western side of Magnolia, near the river that runs through town."

Gajeel blinked and then crouched down beside him again. "What the hell? Why would you say-"

"If you do this," Natsu explained, swiping some dried dirt from the dead girl's heel and pulling back a little, "You can find its scent. She's been so engulfed in his magic, it would take weeks for it to wear off. We won't find the girls because of the same reason, but if we focus on the location instead of them-"

"We'll find 'em." Gajeel stood swiftly. "Oi, Mira," he said, looking over at the hopeful woman. "We're gonna go run and check over that area he was talkin' about."

"Oh, do be careful," she pleaded. "I don't want you hurt! I understand we must find Levy and Lucy - I'm worried about them, too, but…"

"We'll be careful, Mira!" Natsu vowed, flashing her a quick smile. "Aren't we always?"

"Natsu Dragneel," she scolded, "If you come home after burning something again-"

"Believe me," he said in a dark voice that made even Gajeel a little worried that he was losing his mind in a bad way.

"The only thing I'm gonna burn into ash is the bastard who took Lucy."

Levy awoke from a midday nap to screaming.

Her eyes sprang open, her bleary gaze studying the area to try and figure out what was happening. Lucy was already on her feet. She always was when Simon came down. She refused to show even a hint of weakness, and Levy applauded her for that. The blonde was glaring fiercely as Simon trampled down the stairs.

Ayako, Maria, and Levy merely stared as a woman older than any of them was dragged down the steps and forced over to the wall. She fought viciously, clawing and biting as hard as she could, but he payed her no attention and chained her to the wall. She yanked, her eyes wild.

"Tch," Simon muttered, fixing his messed up clothes and sweeping hair from his gaze. "You won't get dinner if you keep this up. Play nice to everyone and maybe you'll get lucky." His gaze darted to the girls. "We won't be playing any games today. I apologize for making you work so hard." He offered what he thought was an apologetic smile and then slid back upstairs.

Lucy immediately seated herself the second he was gone, attention on the newcomer.

She was older than them, as stated previously, with wild brown eyes and hair the color of emeralds. Her chest heaved for breath, her body still clothed. Levy doubted that she'd remain so for much longer. Privacy had long been forgotten as she crossed her legs and said softly, "Are you alright, miss?"

Sharp eyes darted up. She narrowed her gaze and then blinked in surprise. "You're Levy McGarden, aren't you? From Fairy Tail? And you have to be Lucy, Salamander's partner."

"That's me," Lucy agreed.

She also listed off Ayako's name, which made Ayako raise her chin proudly. Maria remained quiet, her eyes filled with relieved exhaustion that they'd escaped another round of the games they played.

"I'm fine," she finally said, running a hand through her tangled hair. "I woke up halfway in and fought like a demon, but he's a lot stronger than he looks...caught me while I was heading home from a bar. I live half a block away from that damn place. Didn't think it would be too dangerous." She scowled. "Lived in Magnolia all my life and I never thought there'd be a day where women had to be scared to walk at night."

"You said you woke up halfway through," Levy said urgently. Her hazel eyes were calculating. "Where are we? Could you give us an address?"

She shook her head. "No, but it's the last house on the main street that branches off the canal. The dirt one that nobody wants to go one during the spring because it gets so muddy."

"We're in the basement of a house?" Lucy muttered. "Does he have neighbors?"

"Oh, yeah." The woman scowled. "I screamed and screamed, but do you think they cared?"

"That's not their fault," Ayako sighed. "Nullification mage." She rubbed her hands together. "Alright, so we've got a location. Any sacrificial lambs for the next game?"

"That's brutal," Maria said softly. "Fairy Tail's looking, aren't they? They'll find us. We should just play along and hope and wait-"

"Maria, if we don't get out of here soon, you'll die." Ayako scowled at the annoyed woman. "Let us try to help you, okay?" She sat back, hands in her lap. After a long moment, she asked, "Would Fairy Tail send my body back to Lamia Scale?"

"No," Levy said fiercely, "You can't just suddenly give up after surviving for so long, Ayako-"

"Would they send me home, Levy?" she repeated just as sharply.

"Yes," Lucy whispered quietly. "They would."

"The it's done. I'll do it." Ayako looked around her and found a piece of wall that seemed sharp enough. "If I'm going out, I might as well go out a hero that will hang out in the history books for being the one that led Fairy Tail to the killer." Levy's eyes welled with tears, and Ayako gave her a reassuring smile. "Don't cry, Levy. We'll see each other again someday, right?"

Levy said nothing, only buried her face in her hands. She was supposed to be a Fairy Tail mage. She'd already broken down once, and she was getting ready to again. She could feel it.

Not for the first time, Levy thought of Gajeel.

She wasn't sure where he was coming from or why she was thinking so much of him as of late. Maybe it was the situation. Maybe it was the pain of the nightmares she'd had the night before. But she was thinking of him.

Despite his gruff attitude, Levy knew he was willing to throw himself in front of one of Alzack and Bisca's bullets for the majority of the guild. The only ones he wouldn't do it were the ones who could stop it themselves. She was certain that he was working just as fiercely as Natsu was to find them.

Levy planted her chin in her open palm, her heart swelling. She missed his gruff attitude, his silly behaviorisms when he was complimented or flustered. He'd complain and insult her in return, but she knew he was just embarrassed. Levy would be the first to admit she'd had a thing for the iron mage - though she'd never said such words aloud, even when Lucy had teased her in the past.

Grimly, Levy wondered if she'd be able to pay him back for everything he'd done.

[noxmysterium]

If you ever have the opportunity to sing karaoke at the Merlin Moose Lodge … DON’T.

I went with my parents to karaoke tonight. It was in a tiny wayside town called Merlin. It’s the kind of place you know exists because it’s in the same valley you live in, but you never have any reason to visit so you usually don’t think about it.

And I’m never coming back.

It looked like every other horse-trough town in the Pacific Northwest; a little overgrown at the edges and a lot of old buildings that look like they hadn’t seen a good renovation since the Kennedy administration. The Moose Lodge there was no exception.

(I’ve learned through a quick search that the building hasn’t been the Lodge all that long, but I can’t find any records on the building’s history. At all. And maybe I’m just bad at Google, but I feel like that’s not normal.)

The walls of the Lodge’s main hall (if you could call it that) were untreated planks of … I don’t know. It was too dark to be pine, and looked too washed out to be oak. I don’t know what to call that shade of wood. I know it was rough and untreated, though, and snagged at the elbow of my shirt every time I moved to cut through a stringy steak that had been given a good peek at the grill before being served. (I asked for medium well, for the record.)

I was pinched between the wall and an older gentleman from my town. The whole table was full of people from my town. Some of them were there to compete in the second round of the Moose-wide karaoke competition. Every Lodge competes, and sends their best on to the next round in the next town.

We were at round two, my mom and me there to support my dad (a karaoke DJ, himself) who had competed back home — after being volun-told by the other members he was too good not to compete — and, obviously, scored high enough to move on. The rest of the table was populated by the friends and family of the few who also progressed with him.

Dinner was edible, if slightly raw, and seemed to drag on as we crawled toward 7:00 and the start of the competition.

When 7:18 rolled around, there was no sign of the competition starting.

The room was loud, voices overlapping and blending into other voices, disembodied laugher crackling off the walls and high ceiling to rattle around in the exposed tin ductwork.

Above the crush of voices came one booming voice, shouting for quiet and attention.

“Anyone not eating needs to leave the room so we can clear the floor!”

Like most of the room, we got up and slowly shuffled out. There weren’t many places to go, so we ended up milling around the cramped foyer while volunteers folded away the tables that had occupied the middle of the performance-hall-turned-dining-room.

BANG!

A sharp sound, like a gunshot, exploded from the dining hall.

As one we jumped, turning to the doors sealing the hall from the foyer. In our collective silence, we heard nothing from the hall. No conversation from those diners who stayed behind, no movement, nothing. We existed in a bubble of complete isolation.

The lack of sound pressed against us as we pressed against each other, tingling in my ears as I strained to hear anything over our combined breathing.

When the doors finally opened it was like a seal being broken, and sound slowly returned to the room as we filtered back inside. Like turning the volume up on reality, the cacophony of pre-competition increased with every step I took back into the performance hall.

After the chaos cleared and we had taken our seats again (our table hadn’t moved so I was still against the wall with my mom across the table from me), the MC took the mic.

“Hey, everyone,” he called, silencing the room. “When someone is up here singing, DO NOT sing along with them! This stuff is serious. People are competing to win some actual money. We had someone from here get all the way to finals last year, and maybe this year we’ll go all the way. I cannot emphasize this enough: Do not sing along with them.”

There was a lot of chatter after that, especially when it was announced that the competition would, in fact, be starting at 8:00. To fill the space between (it was now 7:30), it was proposed that everyone participate in the (traditionally) 9 o’clock prayer to Mooseheart.

Mooseheart is a charitable foundation associated with the Moose. It collects funds to help people in the community in need, often children. This was something I remembered from my own childhood, when I’d attended karaoke with my dad back in our own town, so I knew the routine: Stand up, face Mooseheart (in this case, a light-up star with a Norman Rockwell-style picture of a boy praying by his bed on the wall facing the direction Mooseheart would be), bow your head, fold your arms, and stand in silence for nine chimes.

The the room became as suffocatingly silent as the foyer had been before. I felt its pressure on my skin, and a wild thought sent a shiver down my spine and goosebumps up my arms; what if I was the only person in the room? I wanted to look, to have some visual confirmation that everything and everyone was still where they should be, but something primal, buried deep inside me, set off alarm bells telling me not to look up, no matter what.

The chimes began.

One.

Two.

Three.

Don’t look up.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Why is it still so quiet?

The back of my neck was tingling.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Sound returned again. I let my breath out in a rush, unaware I’d even been holding it. I could feel the people around me again, as well, as the MC led us all in the prayer of Mooseheart.

“Repeat after me…”

And we did.

Let the little children come to me.

“Let the little children come to me.”

Do not keep them away. 

“Do not keep them away.”

For they are like the kingdom of Heaven.

“For they are like the kingdom of Heaven.”

GOD BLESS Mooseheart!

“God bless Mooseheart.”

I shuddered at the end, unexpectedly filled with revulsion.

Somehow, this prayer I had known since childhood, which had lived vaguely in the back of my mind since then, felt strange and sinister when spoken in this remote podunk town, surrounded by these dark, rough-panneled walls, and voiced by a monotonous cabal of strangers.

I didn’t have a lot of time to dwell on it, though, this weird disquiet growing in me, because, despite it being a little before 8:00 still, the competition was starting.

Cheers filled the room as the first singer got up. A younger guy, probably in his twenties and wearing a black cowboy hat, white button-up shirt, and dark jeans (rural finary at its best). He made his way to the front of the room, smiling and bobbing his head as everyone applauded for him. He gave his name (which I don’t remember), the Lodge he was from(Gold Hill), and the song he was going to sing (… I have no idea what it was), as all the singers would.

As the music started, I realized he’d chosen some slow country number, which was unsurprising given the area we were in and the size of his hat. He looked like a short Garth Brooks … if a little walleyed, and the recently dimmed lighting did him wonders.

The song started much as you’d expect of a country karaoke track — bluesy piano, plodding bass, and synthesized strings — but his performance was … not what you’d expect. Of anyone.

When he opened his mouth to sing, nothing came out.

He just opened his mouth, tipped his head back, and stood there with the mic in front of his face for the whole performance while the instrumental played behind him.

About a minute into the song, I glanced around to see if anyone was reacting.

They were … in a way, but not as I was expecting.

Everyone was watching the show, or chatting quietly to each other, same as you would during any passably enjoyable karaoke performance. Not a single person frowned in confusion, or murmured to others about the weird guy just breathing at the mic.

They looked like they enjoyed it.

I twisted in my seat to look at my mom for some kind of confirmation that this was as bizarre as I thought, but she was staring at the front of the room like everyone else, nodding along with the music and occasionally mouthing the words on the karaoke display facing the room.

Uncomfortable, but apparently alone in my discomfort, I kept quiet and waited for the song to end, hoping that the next singer would bring reality back to the room.

Applause — whistling, screaming applause followed the silent singer as he took a bow and returned to his seat.

I clapped politely, because it’s what you do when someone has the bravery to stand in front of a room full of strangers to perform. Even if you don’t get the performance, itself, which I very much did not.

When the second singer went up, I was certain we’d be back on track. It was a woman I knew from our local Lodge who I’d heard sing before. She’d chosen Desperado as her first song.

A pretty okay choice for her.

As with the first one, the music started the way you’d expect for a digital facsimile of a once popular (but still very copyrighted song). This time, though, when she brought the mic close to her lips, she started whispering instead of singing.

The KJ fiddled with the various knobs on his soundboard to raise the gain and lower the background volume, bringing the singer’s voice up over the music same as you would any singer with a quiet voice. He nodded his head to the tune, one ear turned toward a hidden monitor to make sure the mix was balanced, and went back to his various KJ things when he was satisfied.

She was unintelligible.

I don’t think she was actually using real words, and it was nonstop. She never seemed to pause for breath; just held the mic in a death grip with both hands and whispered endless incomprehensible syllables into it while staring, dead-eyed, at a spot in the middle of the floor until the music finally ended.

By that point, my skin was crawling.

Once again the room broke into loud, sustained applause until the singer returned to her seat and the next was announced.

I glanced at my mom again, but she was still absorbed in the event. I felt like everyone else was behind this invisible barrier and I was the only one sitting outside of it.

What did they hear? What did they see? Was I really the only one experiencing this? Or was everyone else under some kind of … I don’t know. Group hallucination?

I didn’t hear the next singer’s name, or his song, but the room went crazy for him. I didn’t recognize the tune — an uptempo country thing — or the words when they came up on the screen. It turns out the words didn’t really matter, anyway, because this time instead of singing, the performer peeled back his lips and started screaming through his teeth.

Panic finally exploded through my veins, but I couldn’t will my body to leave. I shook with the jittery tremors of unused adrenaline, and sat frozen in my seat, unable to break away from the horror.

The man’s eyes were wide and rolling back in his head as he screamed again and again. The kind of sound you’d expect from someone having their bones slowly crushed by an unstoppable force with their jaw wired shut.

You can’t imagine what physical suffering actually sounds like until you hear it, and I was surrounded by it then. Amplified through the speakers around the room, it sounded like he was screaming inside my own head. I covered my ears as tears shimmered in my eyes and threatened to fall, cold, down my cheeks.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see my mom. She was rocking to the music, really getting her shoulders involved, and frowned at me while shaking her head; I was being rude.

I wanted to cry.

How the hell wasn’t she hearing this?? How was I the only one terrified by a man clearly screaming himself mute??

When the torture finally ended, the room erupted into applause. People rose from their seats to furiously clap and whistle and hoot for the man who had spent three solid minutes screaming in ragged agony. If I hadn’t been deafened by his screaming, I would have been deafened by theirs.

I couldn’t take any more.

This was supposed to go on another hour, at least. Under the cover of the standing ovation, I made my escape, outside, to the gravel parking lot.

That’s where I am now, writing this and posting it to the only place I can think might believe me.

But I’m stuck.

We all came here together, in the same car.

I’m standing outside in the cold, waiting for this nightmare to end, while my parents are still inside “enjoying” the event.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know how long I have before someone notices I’m gone and drags me back inside …

Can anyone give me a ride home?