#ALSO THE MOMMY ISSUES IN THE MOVIE GOD FUCKING DAMN

[crimeschild]

the barbie (2023) experience as an afab non binary person is just [reconnecting with your femininity and love for pink bc you couldnt when u were younger bc being too girly will get u made fun of] [feeling guilt bc u dont identify with being a girl but girlhood is so inherently beautiful and magical and no experience is truly like it] [healing the inner child in you by allowing yourself to enjoy dolls and pink and maximalism] [unapologetically letting yourself wear pink and be stereotypically girly in a society where being non binary means you have to be presenting androgynous 24/7] [getting your grown-up heart shattered and then put back together again by your inner child using sparkly glue over and over in the span of two hours] [realizing that no matter what you do you have somewhat experienced girlhood and it shaped you to be the person you are today and you will never get to erase that experience or truly disconnect yourself from it] [appreciating and understanding your mother in a way that you thought wasnt possible without experiecing motherhood]

[devinescribe]

Couple Tropes That Describe You

Chishiya

Black cat BF × Doberman GF

Hates everyone × also hates everyone, but knows how to hide it

Easily attached due to parental issues × Mommy issues, so I'm willing to let you get attached because no one has ever felt love like that for me

Smart and is a bitch × Smart and lords it over people

Top of the class × Top of the class

"Yo, your parents give you irreversible trauma too?" × "Hell yeah!"

Niragi

Doberman BF × Doberman GF

Gamer boy × Goth GF

I hate everyone except for you × me too

Listens to The Wrecks × Listens to Melanie Martinez

Childhood trauma that fucked them up × childhood trauma that made them realize they need to be a better person to everyone, so they care for everyone

Only wears silver jewelry  × Only wears gold jewelry.

Banda

Unhinged BF × Very pleasant GF

"I'd kill anyone you'd ask me to, say the word and their heart will stop beating this second." × "Aww, that's so sweet~!"

Gomez × Morticia

Fuck you're so hot when you threaten people × And you're hot when your mouth is shut and on mine

Reads Edgar Allen Poe × Reads Emily Dickenson

For my ethnic girls specifically:

Ethnic GF who minds her own damn buisness × BF who will kill anyone who looks at her the wrong way let alone make a racist/discriminatory remark.

Matsushita

Listens to Ethan Bortnick × listens to Melanie Martinez

Reads poetry to you × writes their own poetry

Introvert × Introvert

Has a record player × makes him dance with them to the songs he plays

Takes 20 minutes to get ready × has to start getting ready 3 hours before they have to leave

Rainy days are the best × I agree.

Likes horror movies for the cheap thrill × likes horror movies to laugh at how dumb they are

Chota

Religious trauma and mommy issues × religous trauma and daddy issues

Likes reading fantasy books × likes reading poetry

Life is fine, just a bit hard somedays × Lets run away and live in a little cottage in the forest

Rabbit BF × Golden Retriever GF

Hates social situations unless it is with people he knows × Social butterfly, hey imma go talk to this random ass stranger

"Hey that's dangerous!" × "I am God, nothing could hurt me!"

Always prepared for every situation × never prepared, lives in the moment

Tatta

*talking about cars* × I haven't the slightest clue what's going on here, but I'll act like I do!

Everything gets blamed on him × "If you talk shit about my man one more time I will shove a knife so far down your throat-"

Passive BF × Protective GF

"I'm pretty sure he loves that car more than me." × "I would commit a murder for that women she is the love of my life, nothing means more to me than her I would give my life for her-"

Early bird × night owl

LITERALLY has everything you could ever need in his car × Passenger Princess

Kyuma

Musician who writes and sings love songs for you × Musician who can play an instrument and helps

Sleeps in nothing × Sleeps in a onesie

Super humble, even though they are really amazing × Raises their ego

Needs to give compliments every second of the day × Words of affirmation is their love language

[minijenn]

Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Ruby Gillman: Teenage Kraken

So uuuuuhhhhh yeah. I don't know what I was expecting with this movie. Wasn't expecting it to be good, and it wasn't. Nobody is fucking surprised.

Ruby Gillman is, well, a teenage kraken, who lives with her family on land and tries to blend in as a human while being Omg Quirky Relatable Shy Nerd (seriously this movie doesn't have an original bone in its body, we'll get into that more in a bit). She eventually discovers she can turn into a giant kraken and that she comes from kraken royalty. Throw in the breakdown of trust between her and her mother, a new "friendship" she strikes up with a mermaid named Chelsea, and OMG THE PROM IS TOMORROW and you have a whole mess of cliches that didn't come to an end nearly quick enough for me.

So yeah this plot is... extremely derrivitive, on two very specific Pixar movies in particular. It's like... a weird crossover between Luca (fish people trying to blend in on land) and Turning Red (puberty metaphor, mommy issues, etc) and it does none of what those movies did well anywhere near as close to good as they did. Like this movie tries so hard to be surprising and have twists and turns and like... literally none of those surprises landed. None of the emotions landed. None of the jokes landed. Nothing in this boring ass movie landed.

The characters are all pretty one-note. Ruby is your traditional nerdy, awkward girl with a crush on a guy who is also just as bland as stale bread. Her family is pretty uninteresting, her mom is... somewhat better, I guess, and I did like her grandma, but she was about the only character I found some level of enjoyment out of. We also have Chelsea, who big surprise, is our twist villain, as if I didn't see that coming from the second I saw her show up on screen. The way she so easily manipulates and plays Ruby is just... god it makes you wannt scream "DON'T TRUST HER YOU DIPSHIT" the entire time, like girl, I get you're an anxious 15 year old but you should know better jfc.

This movie tries to have lore and be epic, but like... idk it just isn't. The climactic fight scene at the end was so slow-paced and dull, there wasn't really anything about it at all, which for what's essentially a giant kaiju fight, is a damn shame. The jokes were honestly non-existant, and the script itself is already hella dated with so much social media references and modern teen lingo (bestie, bae, etc) despite only coming out last year.

It also doesn't help that, at least in my opinion, this movie is ugly. Like the animation itself is fine, but these goddamn character designs, christ I think they are some of the WORST to ever come out of a Dreamworks movie. The humans all have weird proportions that don't make sense, the krakens don't look like krakens at all and instead look like... humans with long tentacles, which is weird, and the set design... was admittedly ok to look at, but that's about it. Pair that with an utterly forgettable, but servicable score and plenty of equally forgettable pop songs and there's just not much going on here.

I think, at the end of the day, Ruby Gillman is just... lame. Like the concept itself... isn't awful, but the execution, man, they just floundered (get it, fish) on all fronts here. No wonder this thing tanked at the box office. I wouldn't have gone to see it either.

Overall Rating: 4/10

Verdict: Harpoon these lame-ass krakens

Previous Review (Puss in Boots: The Last Wish)

Next Review (Trolls Band Together)

[dailydoseofselfcare]

Alright, I watched the first lord of the rings film for the first time in my life a couple weeks ago, here are some highlights. Tw for: spoilers for the first LOTR movie (Fellowship of the ring), discussions of: violence, drugs, swearing, and a lot of gay pining, also the use of the phrase “piss river” probably more often than is necessary

Elves: 👀👀👀👀👀

Oh dwarves also: 👀👀👀👀👀👀

Sounds like Sauron had daddy issues, or mommy issues

You might not feel thin if you had more than cake, jam, wine, and moldy cheese in your house

OH MY GOD ARE THEY DOUNT DRUGS

Ooooo I love the fireworks

Why does wizard man get all the history books and papers

How are the children supposed to learn not to repeat the past and die like a little bitch in a piss river if they can’t access the knowledge

At least fucking Frodo makes Gandalf tea god damn

Me @ the characters: HOLD HANDS

Isn’t this other wizard bitch evil. I feel like I remember that he’s evil and a backstabber.

Is there a dragon in these ones or do I gotta wait for hobbit

Ooooo scary glass orb

That’s what I thought you fucking bitch. Fuck you. Close your doors bitch that doesn’t mean you can’t get that fucking staff shoved up your ass. Shove that white orb down your fucking throat till you choke.

You spin me right round baby like a record baby right round round round

CORN. CROMCH. CROMCH THE CORN. ITS READY TO BE CROMCHED.

Oh my god the silly little video game is realistic to the movie? You do get chased around in a god damn corn field?

Bitches y’all are afraid of worms? (Friend: you’re afraid of lady bugs). Yeah but I don’t spend my 110 fucking years of life lolligagging with no shoes on through fields of ladybugs.

They really gave these bitches 0 weapons

Because a horse couldn’t jump 5 fucking feet into the river

Lotr horses weak compared to skyrims. Can’t even fly. 0/10.

These hobbits are so fucking stupid. Real white woman in a horror film vibes.

Whenever the chanting starts I can only think “Asmodeus, Satanus, Lucifer”

Have these bitches never heard of coal

Oh YUCK. DISGUSTING BIRTHING RITUAL. COVERED IN EARTH UTERUS. SLIMY.

[insert the sorry, mommy bit here]

There’s so many handsome men with long hair oh my god

“Still sharp” no shit Sherlock

Also the king of the elves is not daddy material

The elves’ city reminds me of fuckin markarth

Aragorn, that’s his name. Anyway his little smirk? Fantastic.

I’d like to have all their weapons, preferably at once. Take this as you will.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST BILBO WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

Off we go, walking. Can’t wait till there’s giant spiders. Pretty scenery though. (Note: I describe all of the LOTR and Hobbit films as films where they walk in circles and do nothing but fight giant spiders)

Tbh I only trust Aragorn here. If shit happens with him later I will be devastated.

Ah yes two old men fighting through magical chants 100% the way to go

Have they really not gotten Frodo a pair of shoes yet Jesus Christ

The pony’s name is fucking Bill??? Everyone else has bomb ass names and the pony is Bill????

Sorry, Gimli, oh tentacles??? 👀. Anyway rip to your family. OH KRACKEN? 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

“I have no memory of this place” me constantly, Gandalf, join the club

Oh that is a huge book

Big oof @ the clanking good job other hobbit

Cave troll: ugly. Not daddy material. Also did they use donkey noises for it?

Rest in piss to Frodo, at least you didn’t die in a piss river like that other bitch

All these men flinging and catching and holding each other while crossing a gap is pretty gay, ngl

Oh dragon? Dragonlike? Whip? Oh fuckin rip Gandalf.

Oh woods time? Is it spider time soon? OH MORE ELVES???

Oh pretty tree elf architecture I approve

Men? Crying at the beauty of a woman? Couldn���t be me.

Oh having a panic attack bc of voices in your head? Me too, dude

Yeah this elf woman? Bad vibes. Creepy.

Why is this one still covered in goopy earth placenta. Give this bitch a bath he has to smell horrible.

Okay how the fuck does the math work out if the human king was 3000 years ago, his son took the ring, died in piss river, gollum had it for 500 years, then Bilbo had it for however long, and Aragorn is the son of the second king?

Auburn hair bitch (Boromir) back the fuck off.

This is a shitty fucking plan sending Frodo by himself.

He go toot toot

Also I wanna run through a forest

Oh that bitch dead, yeet

Do arrows really go that far into someone?

Oh pulling the sword into yourself? Ngl… 👀

Anyway rest in piss to those we’ve lost

If Sam dies by drowning I swear to fuck

Honestly Sam is an OG friend, the only good one

Oh boat burial for Mr. I Thought I Could Have The Ring. He also deserves piss river, so good.

[bella-donna418]

Cottagecore Family Life

A/N: I really wanted to do this headcanon lol

I'll continue living in this life of delusion don't @ me

~~~

Best place for this will be Switzerland like cottagecore let's go! (also bcs of this LOL LIKE THE BIO IS LITERALLY JUST 😂😂😂)

The nature around them is just filled with pretty flowers and butterflies could be seen especially in mornings and birds love singing at their place

Eren and Mikasa just looking after their child, especially Mikasa.

Also they'd probably have 2-5 children and they'll be so pretty and cute 🥺🥺🥺

Their children's energy are basically Eren and Mikasa's staminas combined (ultimate energy here)

Eren would be chasing the ones running and oh boy.

An unattended child has found an axe—

Mikasa walks right on the spot and sees their child about to get a hold of it so she immediately runs to them (luckily the baby is asleep inside the room she came from)

She'll scold the child in a gentle but stern manner be like, "No touching your dad's tools, understand?"

The child would just nod while looking down.

Eren joins in the scene with their other little one and oop—

His eyes almost popped out of their sockets as he saw what's going on (especially that they're near the axe)

Mikasa looks at Eren—sighing and said, "You should keep your tools somewhere where they can't see or touch them."

He'd nod slowly, "Right. I forgot about the axe here..."

He then puts down their little one and it immediately runs and hugs Mikasa's waist.

During bedtime, they love watching their parents dance to a music box (given by Annie as a gift for Mikasa when she heard the news she was pregnant)

Sometimes they'd sing a lullaby in duet and their children would slowly fall asleep (JUST IMAGINE THEM SINGING REMEMBER ME FROM THAT COCO DISNEY MOVIE OK?)

But sometimes Mikasa's on her own making the children fall asleep (when she forced Eren to take a rest lol)

Like imagine her singing the chorus part of "safe and sound" by Taylor Swift 🥺🥺🥺

Everytime they get nightmares they'd run to their parents' room and Mikasa will be the one to get up and open the door.

She'd be like, "Why up so late in the night—wait, why are you crying?"

Then the child explains and Mikasa just picks the smol child up and goes to the couch in the room with books at the table beside it.

She'd then read her a funny story and then the kid/s would just laugh.

Eren's a "deep" sleeper sooo....

Mikasa then sings the lullaby she'd sing when she's on her own to make the children sleep.

The child falls asleep and Mikasa acknowledges this and carries them back to the kids' room and settles them in their bed.

Mikasa would finally go back to bed—thinking Eren's still asleep.

But then Eren's like, "You're voice sounds like an angel's."

She'd find herself smacking a pillow at him and he just chuckles.

Mikasa would now lay down and Eren turns around from his position and cuddles her.

~~~

Their children are always curious.

They'd go outside and play, pick some flowers and make flower crowns, or read some books (most were sent by Armin), run around to catch butterflies, and more.

As they grew up, the girls would always be with Mikasa if they want, and the boys would stick with Eren (it actually depends on whether they're a daddy's or mommy's girl/boy)

Overall, their children would learn how to cook, do embroidery, chop wood, doing custom house decorations, and more.

During birthdays, they'd be visited by their uncles and aunts along with their little ones—if they have (you know who they are 😂😂😂)

The children would receive so many gifts—heck, they'd all be spoiled by them especially by Zeke (best uncle award)

They'd also play with the others' children (like they'd always play tag outside while the parents are indoors having a chat 🥺👉👈)

Their teenage years were quite more chaotic than their childhood (curse of puberty)

At random times, they'd argue to each other and Mikasa will just look at Eren and be like, "You're turn to break it up."

Eren would just sigh and try to break the bicker up and Mikasa would just stand by the door and watch.

He'll approach them and be like, "What are you fighting about?"

The bickering two would look at him and start pointing at each other and start shouting then glaring at each other—debating again.

Poor Eren gotta deal with this and Mikasa couldn't help but snicker at her spot.

Personality-wise they got the temperamental attitude from Eren while the calm demeanor from Mikasa.

Eren would look at the door and see Mikasa standing and giving her an 'um, help?' look.

Mikasa deciding to be mean, smirks and leaves to go to the kitchen and cook.

Eren felt "betrayed" because of her actions (your guy gotta deal with 2 hot headed teens in a phase arguing for some reason)

But Eren managed to calm them down.

They're all calm and collected, the 2 are no longer screaming and Eren began asking questions.

Mikasa decides to take a peek inside to see what's going on now

Eren would be like, "Ok, what's the real matter why your fighting? Don't yell, I'm asking you calmly."

They'd then start talking about who's wrong and all, and giving a few more minutes, they finally got along.

Eren internally was like, 'Fucking finally.'

Mikasa, seeing this, can't help but smile so she finally decided to come inside then looked at their teens and was like, "Glad you got along."

Eren just looked at her—not even bothering to ask why later since she looks happy about it.

Ooooh of course, their reactions when Eren starts snaking his arms around Mikasa's waist and just resting his head on her shoulder in front of the kids.

When they were young, they were just giggling.

But now, oh god it's so funny (not really lol)

They're literally like "👁👄👁 uhm you're gonna flirt in front of us?"

The two would just look at each other and laugh knowing how much they've grown.

In times of comforting children when it comes to love issues.

Best love expert award goes to...

Lol sorry it's Zeke.

Sometimes Zeke visits and if he sees one of them looking sad or something, assuming it's about love and all, he'd go up to them and be like, "You know, there's a quote that says; there's many more fish in the sea."

The teen would look at him surprised he knew and be like, "Yeah..."

And then there goes all things about love to Zeke.

If uncle Zeke ain't around, Mikasa would be the one dealing the problem.

You wonder for Eren? Pfft- he'd always be like, "Uhh... Ask your mom I guess..." (Please don't laugh at Eren 😂😂😂)

But in terms of practical things, Eren's the best at it.

They also taught their children self-defense so when they need it, they can use it.

In terms of their girls entering a relationship with a guy...

Overprotective dad mode on for Eren and be like, "Who's the guy? I need to talk to him."

Mikasa would just smile and instead, congratulate them and give advices.

Since Eren told their girl to bring her "boyfriend" he'd have an intimidating aura and the guy is just scared shitless (poor dude)

But in the end, Eren would just sigh and be like, "Just... don't hurt her, ok?"

To be honest, Mikasa is the one more relieved than their girl 😂😂😂

But living a peaceful life, they watched their kids grow into who they are and damn they're the prettiest beings ever (their genes are just ✨✨✨)

And when they get old, their children would always make time to visit them and at least take care of them.

Especially when it's their birthdays, they'd ALL come back at the home where they were raised with love and care 😭😭😭

It's the fact their children just cares for them even if they had their own lives/families.

To make me even cry more, Eren and Mikasa would be playing with their grandkids while their grown up child is just making some meal for all of them. (Old and gray EM with their grandkids, anyone?)

~~~

A/N: FINALLY!!!

Ok ngl this looks like the most decent headcanon I've ever made 😭😭😭

And fun fact: I cried while making this

AND I STILL AM 😭😭😭

[fitztragedy]

Things I Want Changed in Fate S02

Better Costumes

Like, seriously, wth happened there? They were dressed awfully, and that's not news. The costumes were like straight out of a 90's teens movies, it was so obvious there was an adult trying do find out what teens used and maybe saw that 90s fashion was trending and thought that was the hype. Costume designer Catherine Adair has been a costume designer in 29 projects, none of them was a teen TV show (except her most recent project, after Fate, which is a disney kids mystery series) and 16 of wich were in the 90s. She has dressed TV shows before Fate but things like Desperate Housewives and The Man in the High Castle- Definitely not even close to the vibe Fate has. Hopefully she'll either do more research or they'll hire another costume designer since she's aparently working on this new Disney series. IMDb says we have a new Art Director in S02 (Justin Warburton-Brown, who apparently done The Witcher S02!!) so my hopes are very high!

New locations and sets!

I loved Alfea and the Winx Suite but I feel like we need more sets. That's not the fault of the art direction or set decoration (which were done by Karl Clifford -who isn't credited for anything but Fate- and Jil Turner who has a very good resume, having worked on Vikings and a lot of other fantasy movies and tv shows), I feel like they did a pretty good job with what they were given. Having the entire season be basically that got very repetitive and because of the number of views I'm hoping they have a bigger budged in S02 to be able to have different sets. I wanna see Magix! The cartoon did a wonderful job with the city near Alrea, it was super cool to see the futuristic town in a fairy show, which was a contrast to what me, as a kid, imagines what a magical town would look like. I don't think they'll to this for Fate but it'd be cool to see like magic being used in day to day lives. Also if Alfea is in the middle of nowhere where do the girls get like stuff? Where do they buy tampons if they need it? I MUST know!! Also it'd be pretty cool to see Solaria sometime. IMDb also told me we got a new set decorator in S02 and he's been the set decorator of Shadow and Bone (Kevin Downey) so I'M EXCITED.

More plot and Backstory for the characters

Let's skip Bloom and Sky because I think @lilshitwayne would do a better job talking about them and then focus on the others.

Aisha

WHERE IS AISHA'S PLOT??? They done my girl wrong, so wrong. Seriously, what is her backstory? What are her goals and dreams? What are her insecurities and challenges? What is her personal arc? What is her role in the series arc? I wish I could answer all these questions but I just can't. I saw @lilshitwayne and @rivusa dms about her yesterday and I want to give them the floor to talk about it so I'm not gonna say what they said, but I do want more from Aisha's character next season and I want her role to not be as suporting as she was in S01. I do think that the fact that she's a poc character had to do with her lack of development and I will HATE it if they make her also LGBTQ+ and continue with Netflix's trend of shoving all the minorities into one character. Hopefully because of the backlash they'll listen. Precious is a beautiful and great actress and she deservers better.

Musa

Musa had a pretty big part in S02 I'd say. She was basically the second most important character after Bloom, BUT she did not have a plot, let's be real. Her whole arch was basically "I hate my powers, they are useless and just make me suffer and I try to ignore them" and then she met Sam and was like "Oh he basically feels nothing so it's nice to spend time with him" and then she found out Sam was Terra's brother and wanted to keep their relationship a secret, then she told Terra and there was like too much drama for a non-dramatic revelation. Then she had to face her powers when Sam was dying but then he lived so she went back to being the same as she was but with a boring boyfriend now (I know people like Sam and that's okay because people have different tastes but I just don't see the appeal, okay? he's boring in my opinion). So like her whole development and plot was based around a guy. No internet struggle solved, no character development. Yes Musa is my favorite character but I still don't like her "plot".

Stella and Terra

idk what I'd say about them. I think one of the other girls in the fate fandom might have takes and stuff. Terra had the self-steem and body issues that basically went no where and Stella has mommy issues and issues in general that are probably gonna get more developed already so I'm not too worries about them.

I know people didn't like that they made Stella have a very different personality than the cartoons and (hot take) I kinda like it. Don't @ me. Stella was hella annoying in the cartoons and I like this very messed up Stella we got, yes she's a bitch but she's got layers and I can't wait to see them Explored.

Terra was not a cartoon character and I have no fucking idea why they didn't just put Flora. Flora in the cartoon had also a very different personality so maybe they thought she didn't fit, but then why not keep her and just change the personality like they did with Stella? Also if they had made Terra latina it wouldn't have changed anything in Terra's plot. Idk what happened behind the scenes but that's what we got. I do want Flora to appear and be this cute cinnamon roll but also badass (and latina) so *fingers crossed*

Riven

ah, Riven... He has so much potential and I can't wait to see his character development throughout the series. I can see a lot of troubles at home and internalized homophobia and fuck he's just so god damn Bi. Hopefully that little interaction with Dane about just liking whoever depending on the gender will make Riven be okay with his sexuality and I really like this plot okay?

Also, yes, as a Rivusa shipper I want that to happen and I've already done two huge post about Riven and Rivusa in Fate so if u wanna read more go and do it (here and here).

The rest idgaf about them (I do but i'm too lazy to type)

Future characters

I wanna see Brandon. They call even make Stella bi and change Brandon to like Brenda or something, I've done that in fics and I think that'd be interesting.

Flora, of course, as said above.

Helia if they bring Flora along. They should pair him with Terra, he's Flora's.

I don't wanna see Tecna and Timmy tbh, might be a controversial opinion but I didn't really care for them in the OG and with all the normal technology in Fate I don't really see a reason for them. Unless they change Tecna's powers like they did with Musa, but we don't need another white basic bitch character.

I think that's it!

If yall want to answer and discuss Fate feel free to reblog! I'd love to talk about how we could improve the show!

[calypsoff2]

One. Part 2

Taking in a deep breath, you know how hard it is to not want to pick Imani up and take her up the stairs. Her adamant self-wanting to go up the steps herself, she is doing this one by one too. This is very boring but also tires her out, she is always the one awake, but we have an early flight out. What I mean by that is that we are flying out at four in the morning so these girls will need to be awake, it’s really going to be me holding them and dragging them onto the flight, but it’s getting then to sleep is the issue. It’s barely nine so I hope the other two are attempting to go to sleep “why have you just restarted that!? Imani, you were on the right path” I know this girls isn’t restarting the stair count “doesn’t matter now, we are here” unlocking the stair gate at the top “one, two. I do it dad” can she hell do it, she thinks she can. Pushing the gate open, grabbing her arm and lifting her over the gate, she ran off and of course is going into her sister’s room. Closing the gate behind me, Rylee and Tianna both share a room, we let the girls decide and they wanted that but they argue constantly so I think we will be splitting them up soon, it’s Imani that has her own room but she doesn’t need her room when she sleeps in my bed every time “are you girls ready for bed” looking down at my phone, I have many messages right now that I need to read “dad, we decided” looking up from my phone “Imani, get out of Rylee’ bed now. Yes baby?” Rylee has a plan “we really think you’re terrible at hair, we also think we should do movie night in your bedroom tonight oh and also we should get the phone back” she tries it “no because you both can’t be nice but how about we try and call mommy?” Their faces lit up; I say they I mean the elder two. Imani is just herself “come on, we will do it together, and nobody mentions London, that is the rule ok?” Making my way to Tianna’ be “move up” these little ass beds “dad you’re big” I chuckled getting comfy, Rylee jumped right on me “ah! Damn girl, what is this?” She jumped from one bed onto me “I am getting comfy” Imani eventually made her to me “look at your top mama, you are a mess” she got half her body out of her top, she is crazy. Grabbing Imani and lifting her onto the bed “right, after this. Please girls, go to sleep. I need to pack, and I don’t need the drama” these girls are climbing on me, literally climbing all on me to get the best view. Moving my head to the side to see my own phone, they really miss their mother.

I cringed at the FaceTime not being answered, I did it twice too and the anticipation of her picking up with the girls I felt that and now I feel bad that she didn’t pick up “mom is busy I think” Rylee said “it’s my birthday still” Tianna was quick to add, she really isn’t letting it pass with Robyn not communicating with her “let’s try Mel, auntie is always on her phone isn’t she” trying to play it off, nobody said anything but I tapped on Mel’ name and hoped for the best “I already spoke to auntie though?” Tianna whined out “it’s not about you” Rylee retorted “be quiet the both of you” I felt a sigh of relief when she answered, waiting for it to connect properly “god damn, I look awful” I laughed at the pixelated image “you good, you good” I said laughing “awww is my little angels ready for bed?” Mel said seeing our faces “I am thank you” I answered laughing “negro!” She spat at me, looking from the background Mel is there for what show will happen “ain’t it like the middle of the night there?” I questioned “yep, things happened that had to be dealt with. I miss you girls so much, I really do” that is not the point I need Robyn to speak to the birthday girl “where is Robyn?” I questioned; Mel paused looking away from the camera “Jah! Where is Robbie?” Mel shouted, Tianna little face is really upsetting me right now “Ti, I told you that you need to be a big girl” Rylee said but Tianna is crying now, she is in tears over this “mom loves you Ti” Rylee consoled her this time without being a pain, watching her hold Tianna’ face in her hands, she means business my eldest “she loves us all! Just she has been really busy, we know mom is going to be back soon!” Looking back at Mel; I don’t even care like that now Robyn has no choice but to do this “girls, daddy needs to pee. Tianna baby, mommy is coming to the phone don’t worry” getting up from the bed “Imani, no” she is going to follow me, of course she is.

Imani followed me to the bathroom “Imani, what are you doing?” She is getting unchanged right now “Mel, like what the hell you doing? Don’t you know where she is?” Looking at the phone, she looks lost. Changing the FaceTime to a call instead, placing it against my ear “not that, she is talking to a big boss of LMVH. He’s here so like it’s hard to get her attention, I’ve asked Jah to say but he won’t because of him being the big boss pretty much “Mel, Tianna is crying because she hasn’t said happy birthday to her. I expected her to at least be around for when they go to sleep, why hasn’t she said it to her? I don’t get it, it’s one fucking minute, Imani! What are you doing?” My daughter has really just got butt naked, I died a little inside because the way she is staring at me and peeing on the floor “wow, you’re a nightmare” now she’s made more mess for me “you know what Mel, tell her forget it” I can’t even chase her about this, the cries of Imani now, this is crazy “it’s busy there, I’m sorry” disconnecting the call “why are you crying?” She pointed at the Bath sobbing her little heart out “I want that” she cried pointing “so you peed on the bathroom floor so you can have a bath knowing I am busy already? Thanks” I huffed out, walking to the door and unlocking it. Dragging it open “Rylee!?” I shouted, looking back at Imani “don’t you dare move!” I shouted at her, she fell to the floor and cried more “yeah dad?” She is sheepish; she is up to no good “I would appreciate it if you can get Imani night clothes out for me on her bed and pass me a towel too” Rylee is trying to peak in “is mom not answering? Can we please have our phone?” Shaking my head “just do me that and then go to bed after that” Rylee nodded her head and walked off, Imani is a pain.

All that commotion and Imani making it about herself my two eldest daughters have fallen asleep, in the same bed. I don’t know what they were gossiping about, but they are asleep and that is the main point, I need to pack their things, but I will have a nap before I do “ssshh” I said to Imani, she isn’t asleep. She is really annoying, and I think that’s because she’s like me “let’s go to bed” I still can’t believe she stripped naked, peed on the floor because she wanted a bath, she is something else that girl. My phone started vibrating in my hand, it’s Mel. She has been calling a few times so let me answer this “yo” answering the call “damn nigga, take your time answering” I laughed leaning down to grab Imani’ arm, she is going to run off like she does “I know, busy guy. It’s hard taking care of three kids, you know” I dragged out “I totally understand that Chris, as I was saying that she was with the big boss, and we didn’t want to say anything but now she’s walked off again. But she mentioned it, and when she talks about it she cries, I’m not even putting it on so I think she’s just closed off from it but I guess it’s not possible? My little ninja is asleep?” Sighing out “she is, there is one that is awake though. You know what I will do anything for my daughters, I would stop an event for them” the line went silent, closing the bedroom door “that’s between you both, but she is suffering Chris” Imani ran off as she does, she will be back “I’ll be in London for her event, I know how important this is and the girls will be there. Surprise for her, don’t say it to her though” Mel gasped “no way; she is going to cry. It’s been the hardest time anyways, keep in contact with me. Is TJ coming?” Shaking my head “just me and the girls” Mel cooed out, I am just not happy about this at all “call me though, like I know this has been hard. I just wish it was different for you both, but she is going to be happy to see you all” I feel like not going now “to be honest just don’t let Robyn call me, I don’t want to speak to her. She hasn’t bothered to even care to call Tianna, it’s not cool. Imani! Get out now, I mean it. I am sick” she is being so naughty right now “the favourite, I adore her so much” she should have went with Robyn “then take her, damn” since she loves her that much “is it Chris?” oh Robyn is there, I am not in the mood for her.

There was a silence, while there was I placed Imani on the bed, she can just start getting comfy “I am sorry” that is the first thing Robyn said “I don’t need the apology, it’s the girl that was crying on me all day on her birthday. You are wack for that, I don’t care if you are upset about it she is a fucking child. You’re a grown fucking adult Robyn, are you serious?” I did say I would be good, but I can’t help it “I know, I did call you, but you didn’t pick up. Then I got side tracked with this, I will make it up to her. Don’t be like that with me Chris, when I said I would be away for a while we both agreed, I even said bring the girls here and we can just get a private tutor and you said no, you will keep them there. I am suffering too, I miss them. I am working my ass off while you send me cute pictures and spending time with the kids, I miss that, I do and you’re there judging me” I didn’t even say anything, but she is crying “can you just relax, you need to sleep. Just let me know, keep in touch with me, we are going back to the house, I will tuck her in bed, take care” Mel said, she knows I am judging her. This is why she stormed off the phone crying, I dislike arguing when she is so far apart from me, but it just annoyed me, I won’t call her back or anything, but I will just text her to say it’s ok, soon we will be united and whatever “Imani, why are you like this? I feel like you should have been my son, lay down in bed now” reaching over and snatching the remote from her, she keeps playing about with the TV “peppa pig” she pointed at the TV “my ass, in bed now” her fat ass all out of breath from being a menace.

I literally bought the girls in their nightclothes; I don’t know how I did this, but I did it. They all half asleep just going through the airport but the lady in business class has been so kind and got the girls extra pillows “early start for them” the flight attendant said, I grinned “for me too, I was the one dragging them out, it was a mission to do this. I thought let’s just keep the clothes on and get them on here, we can change after” she cooed out “they are so sweet, exhausted too. They are going to wake up on the plane and going to a different country. Well you are lucky, you have business class all to yourself so if you need anything then let me know” it’s kind of dope that we the only ones in business class, shit is dead as fuck. I was going to get the jet but if I did then Robyn would know, just because Tina would tell her, and I can’t be bothered to tell Tina too, so I just got on a plane but going there in comfort of course. I guess I can relax, the girls are asleep. I can sleep for a little and then start getting them ready once they wake up, I packed a whole carry on case just for this moment. I packed badly but we can always buy clothes while we in London anyways.

My daughters are so beautiful, like it makes me smile how beautiful they all are “dad you really matched us like this?” Rylee said pulling a face “honestly I didn’t do it on purpose, I needed to leave so I saw these Burberry dresses and I was like we got to go, grabbed them and got the shoes. But look how beautiful you look and you want to say thank you to the lady, she did your hair” Rylee looked behind her “it’s not like my mom” Rylee says this all the time “I agree too” the flight attendant said “but thank you, it’s better then my dad” the flight attendant laughed “not a problem pretty” Tianna is watching something on her tablet with Imani at the side of her, she is quiet so I will take that “dad” Rylee sat on my lap “this sounds like you’re going to ask me something, did I ever tell you that your mannerisms is like your mom?” she nodded her head “everyday but mom is amazing, but dad. Ti really wanted a party right, I think we should do a big party. She didn’t want one without mom” raising and eyebrow “you tease her all day every day and now you nice” she laughed “because I can” shaking my head “be nice, but we shall see what we can do. Also you’re going to hate me, I left your phone that you both share at the house, I only got the tablet” now she is not happy “how am I supposed to message my friends now dad!” she got off my lap, well that got her off my lap then.

Rylee and Tianna pushing Imani in the stroller while I deal with the luggage “you two, can you now run with her like that please” I had to put Imani in a stroller, she would run off without a care “I will!” Tianna shouted, walking through the airport with these three is no fun, we had two toilet breaks before we got passed security. The major thing here is that we made it, we are in London “worst part here is I need to pee, but I don’t trust anyone or anything to be just leaving them, so I am going to be a big boy and hold it in “how much more walking dad?” Tianna asked “just a little more, we are nearly there. See the driver is there” I can see my name written “Chris Brown?” he said, nodding my head “welcome to London sir, let me take your luggage” all I can think is thank god but I don’t even know where we are going, I will call Mel and meet up with her “follow me sir the car is just there” looking to the side of me, some random people started waving at the girls “these are Rihanna daughters” waving the girls over “here, come. Let’s go, thanks brother” the driver took the bags for me “let me push the stroller, you walk in front now” this is hectic as hell, I ain’t ever doing this again in my life.

[naivesilver]

top six pinocchio adaptations? idek if there are 6 🤷‍♂️

Hollie, my buddy, my pal, my dearest, not only there are like twice that number that I personally watched/read/experienced, but there are many more that I still have to get to. So have no fear, I have plenty of material to draw from

Also thank you 💓💓💓 I know at this point I’ve flooded everyone’s dash with this kinda stuff but I so love talking about it and y’all keep saying I shouldn’t stop so here I am

Ask me my top 6 anything

So the thing is, I’ve already listed my top 5 adaptations here, but as it goes I have multiple different rankings when it comes to Pinocchio stuff, so there is no shortage of lists I could make. I could rank going by the amount of screentime the thrice-damned Cricket gets, or how much the Fairy irks me, but since this is a lovely day and I have no wish to ruin it by talking about characters I would personally take on in a fistfight, I will instead use another discriminator.

That is, the Lampwick factor.

Lampwick gets an astonishing amount of hate considering he is a) a child b) Pinocchio without the plot armor c) someone the story’s system failed, along all those other boys, but I love him dearly and I will defend him sword in hand. Some adaptations forgo him entirely (looking at you, German-Japanese cartoon who would have been perfect otherwise) but most of those who leave him in make him memorable, for good and for bad.

So, without further ado:

(Actual list under the cut because I got carried away with number 4 and it got LONG)

1) Luigi Comencini’s Le avventure di Pinocchio (1972)

This miniseries’ Lampwick is just *chef’s kiss *. Not only does he get the funkiest introductory scene, laying under THEE boat (a trendsetter, that boy), but the way he behaves is consistently amazing and depicts the friendship between him and Pinocchio aside from the more famous Land of Toys (?) escapade. Also, SPOILERS FOR THE BOOK STORY, but cutting off his death scene, leaving his fate ambiguous and having Pinocchio snap at his father for suggesting Lampwick might have gotten “what he deserved” was a balm for my heart. Plus, he got a sweet sweet character theme that also served as title track for the miniseries.

(Fun fact, I found out while looking up the theme that his actor and Pinocchio’s starred as brothers in another movie shortly after, which is a nice little piece of trivia to know :D )

2) Matteo Garrone’s Pinocchio (2020)

YOUR HONOR, HE’S BABY! I want to protect him at all costs. The actor plays the part of Pinocchio’s shenanigan partner perfectly, and this movie takes a more realistic approach when it comes to depicting life in a poor maritime town in XIX century Italy, instead of showing Lampwick as someone who rebels against nothing. They cut out the final part of his story here as well, of which I could never be more grateful, for all that I’m a Pinocchio purist in most other cases. If you ask for my opinion, he deserves to be alive and happy somewhere else, and that’s that on that :)))))

3) Pinocchio miniseries (2009)

When I tell you that 11yo me was infatuated with him...Learning that Thomas Brodie-Sangster was already 18 when this aired was one of the biggest shocks of my life. He looked 15 at best, and only in the right light.

Still, what a good Lampwick. He’s snarky, he’s a bad influence, but he's a good friend, too, so it’s a win-win situation, isn’t it? He may be a bastard, but at least he will try to fix your sorrows in the most bothersome ways possible - remember kids, running off to a magical land is not a good way to cope with grief, but if you do it, at least stick to someone older than you who will do his best to keep you alive and distracted.

(Come to think of it, I’m still not convinced that Robbie Kay wasn’t influenced by this when he went on to portray Peter Pan.)

4) Roberto Benigni’s Pinocchio (2002)

LISTEN. Listen. This movie is a problem. I can’t speak of this movie without having to wrack my mind to find the right words. Benigni single-handedly ruined my chance at credibility by making this both the weirdest AND closest-to-text adaptation currently in existence.

(Aside from a sequence of excessive Cricket presence towards the end, but I digress.)

So, Benigni made a peculiar choice when filming this movie; that is, he had all the child characters be played by adults while retaining somewhat childish behaviors. Now, if it was merely a humorous parody I’d be less concerned, but if it was that easy to reduce it to such a stereotype, I wouldn’t have watched it in the first place, because there are too many Pinocchio parodies in the world and I despise most of them.

No, once you gather enough suspension of disbelief to see through the comedy factor of this movie, you soon have to realize that it’s, in fact, very well made. So you have to come to terms with the reality that this perfectly in-character Pinocchio with a Tuscanian accent who lifts paragraphs straight from the book was played by a 50yo man, and that the Fairy was played by his wife. There are things I don’t want to deal with when I’m watching a Pinocchio adaptation and Benigni’s supposed mommy issues is definitely one of them.

“So what does Lampwick have to do with any of this?”, you may ask. Well, my friend, Lampwick is by far the oddest casting choice in this case.

Picture this: you’re watching this movie where there are no kids, only adults playing kids. It’s weird, but it’s kinda funny, because the way they’re dressed and the way they act makes it clear that you’re supposed to laugh at them. Then a new character, well-known jackass Lampwick, is herded in, and you expect another 40something comedian to pair well with Benigni.

Instead, what you see is Kim Rossi Stuart.

Kim Rossi Stuart was a heartthrob of late 90/early 2000s Italy. He’s still quite good-looking - in fact, he might have even gotten better with age and with a beard, but that’s my personal taste chiming in - but back then he was at the height of his career. He was in Fantaghirò, for God’s sake. And here he comes sauntering by, as though it was nothing at all, eating lollipops and playing at darts with a floreal-pattern-clad Roberto Benigni.

It drives me nuts. I’ve honestly never been more appalled by an actor choice in my life. But that’s precisely the reason why it ranks so high - I’ll be 80 and grey and STILL I’ll be wondering what the fuck Benigni was thinking when he picked him. It leaves a mark, that kind of thing.

5) Enzo D’Alò’s Pinocchio (2012)

(By this point you should have realized the reason I put director names and dates in is because they all have the same fucking title. Also, enjoy this unflattering screenshot I had to make myself)

This movie is sweet. Not memorable, but sweet. It’s more whimsical and cartoonish than most, and the target age group is clearly younger than the one for say, Garrone’s movie, but Lucio Dalla wrote great songs for it so I appreciate it.

I’m more of the school of thought of  “Lampwick as a kid Pinocchio’s age” than “Lampwick as an older mentor of sorts”, and this Lampwick was voiced by Paolo Ruffini, who has the right accent but which I find annoying, but still, I like him. I love older brother figures, and Lampwick in this movie takes the time to comfort a sad kid he doesn’t know and humor him all throughout their journey. They’re good together, and that’s enough for me. #justicefor2012lampwick

6) Disney’s Pinocchio (1940)

Cue great stupor from everyone involved. Yes, I hate this movie with every fiber of my being, but this is the stereotypical Lampwick. Not putting him in would have been nearly blasphemous. Also, so many adaptations ignored his existence completely that I have to make concessions sometimes.

In addition to that, his character is tied to a little traumatic memory of my own. I watched this movie when I was like, 5 or 6, and as opposed to my classmates and sister who got frightened by most of it I was pretty unfazed, since I already knew the real story had WAY worse scenes.

But I also have a pretty vivid auditory memory, so what stuck with me was not the kids being turned into donkeys as much as Lampwick screaming like “Help! Call your cricket! Call who you want!” with the most horrifying voice ever. Was part of my nightmares for a long while, nearly as much as other movie scenes I watched in the same time period and of which I’m still scared, like ET’s freezer sequence or Dumbo’s Pink Elephants.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #322

“you will hear it when your god cries  /  you will see it when the sun dies  /  upon the altars of change”

What is your favorite nickname that you’ve had? "Bee," from my old best friend. I don't want others calling me it, though. Where did you go on the best date you’ve been on? A big arcade. It was a super fun double-date. Have you ever gotten a professional massage? No, and I don't want one. It'd be so awkward. What’s your favorite milkshake flavor? Chocolate. What act would you be most likely to perform in a talent show? I got nothin'. If you had braces, do you wear your retainers still? I don't. If you had braces, have your teeth moved since you got them off? Yep, because of the whole "not wearing my retainer" thing. Whose was the first baby shower you remember attending, and for what baby? I'm unsure. Possibly my sister's for her first daughter. Do you know anyone personally who’s lost a child? Many people. When was the last time you did something that felt like rebellion? So every now and again, I get a massive craving for soda at night, so I grab one from the kitchen and can hear my sleeping mother rightfully nagging me about it, haha... What is one present you got for your last birthday? Ashley got me this really cool skull bank that says "tattoo fund" on it, aha. I love it. What is one thing that you took to show and tell as a kid? I have a clear memory of bringing a Snorlax plushie one day. Do you remember losing your first tooth? Not my first, no. Are you afraid to pop a balloon? Not really, but it's kinda easy to make me jump just a lil bit when one is popped. When was the last time you laughed when you shouldn’t have? I don't know. Which was better: the first The Lion King or the second? That is fucking HARD. I adore both, but I think the original is slightly better. Do any of your grandparents have a tattoo? I'm pretty sure none of them did. Do you believe that your pets feel love towards you? My cat, definitely. As for my snake, I'm aware that snakes' brains simply aren't developed enough for love, but she clearly trusts me. Are you proud of your body? Fuck no. I'm humiliated by it every waking moment. Watermelon or cherries? I don't like either, but if I had to pick, watermelon. Favourite brand of cookies? I don't really have a favorite brand. Have you ever stuck gum under a desk/chair? No, that shit grosses me out. When shopping at a grocery store, do you return your cart or just leave it? Return your goddamn cart. What is one thing you’d never want your parents to find out? Uhhhh. I guess places I've "done it." When you were little, did you like Dr. Suess books? I did. Do you like eating out at restaurants? Yeah; at least, before Covid. What was your least favorite year of your life so far? Fuck 2016 into the next millenium. Do you like fried bologna? I haven't had it in so long that I don't really remember the taste. I think I would. Have you spent money on a game online? Yeah, very briefly with WoW. Mom was nice enough to refresh my subscription after the breakup (Jason paid for it prior), but from then on, I was rich enough in-game to use monthly game tokens to "pay." Do you put a line through your "7"s? Yes. What about your "Z"s? Also yes. Do you like cold pizza? Yeah, yummy. Do you like broccoli and cheese? Yessss. Toaster or toaster oven? We've always used a toaster oven. What are you most known for? Being artsy, I guess. Do you have any reputations? What are they? *shrug* What was the last thing to leave you speechless? No clue. What is the curviest part of your body? Well, I'm overweight, so it's difficult to tell where I'm naturally curvy... but I guess my hips. Even when I was at a perfectly healthy weight though, I don't think I was exceptionally curvy anywhere. What is your opinion on sex change? You are entirely deserving to feel comfortable in your own body. If you’re still a virgin, how important is your virginity to you? I'm not, though I thought I was when we were together, when we were really just using a loophole. It was a denial thing BECAUSE my virginity was so important to me. If you have lost it already, do you regret it? No. Would you take a break after graduating from high school (like, postpone going to college for a year or so)? I didn't. What regret keeps coming back to haunt you daily? Things I said to Jason. If you could cure yourself of one allergy, what would it be? Pollen. Would you ever post a picture of yourself crying on social media? No. Have you ever held a newborn baby? Yeah, my most recent niece I actually held. I don't THINK I held Aubree or Ryder as newborns because I was so afraid of not doing it right and hurting them. Do you know anyone who has twins? Yeah. Are you following in the career path of any family members? No. What is your favorite country in Europe? Germany. How many times have your comments been top comments on YouTube? A few times. I rarely ever comment, but if I do, it's because I feel like I really have something worth saying. Would you ever wear a wig? I'm not opposed to it. Do you like the moon or sun more? The moon. Do you like turkey or ham more? Ham. Have you ever slapped someone’s butt? Yes. Do you think dimples are ugly? I think they're cute, actually. Have you ever deleted Facebook friends for a significant other? No. Have you ever spent the night in jail? No. Do you consider yourself a good kisser? I assume I am from experiences. Do you watch Pewdiepie? Not anymore, no. His current content doesn't interest me. The most recent thing I watched was his playthrough of The Last of Us 2, because I adore the first game and definitely wanted to see him play the sequel. I think he's pretty funny and have no personal issues against him, though then again I am so uninvolved in the fandom that I have no idea if he's done something stupid again. Do you like "Despacito?" Haha, my mind went to The Dark Den's bearded dragon before the song... I'm not a fan of it, no. Did you ever color your hair pink? No, but I absolutely want to dye it pastel pink one day. :( I even edited a picture of me "testing" different hair colors out, and pastel pink looked suuuuper pretty. Do you drink energy drinks? No, they're too strong for my taste. Do you have any subscribers on YouTube? I don't now how many I have, but I know it's below 100. Do you have a Steam account? Yeah. Have you ever played Five Nights at Freddy’s? No, but I enjoy the franchise. I'm not totally clear on all the lore, though. Do you like religion? Quite honestly, no. Do you swear in front of children? No. What is the next craft you are going to make? There's no telling. I don't really do crafts. What was your favorite Backstreet Boys song? Maybe "The Call." Favorite *N Sync song? I don't remember enough of them, at least not right now. Which of those two bands did you like best? The BSB, baby. Do you learn choreography easily? When I danced, I'd say I learned at a fairly average pace. What’s your favorite candy to receive on Halloween? Reeseeeeeee's. <3 Do you have a bobblehead? No. Have you ever had a lead role in a play? No. Have you ever been insulted or called names by a significant other? No. I wouldn't tolerate that shit. What’s your favorite movie battle scene? Oh man, idk. Maybe something from Troy, though I honestly barely even remember the movie by now, haha. Have you ever been to a same-sex wedding? No, actually. Who takes care of your pet(s) when you’re out of town? Hypothetically, one of my sisters would come to feed and water Roman and clean his box. I'm certain I couldn't talk either into spraying Venus' cage, though... What was the last thing you wrote down on paper? Some group work during therapy. Did you have a Walkman when you were a kid? No. What’s your favorite recipe you’ve come up with? Oh dear, I don't make those. Do you like celery? Yuck, no. By what age could you swallow pills? I dunno. A normal age. Do you like to drink alot of water? I need to drink more. :/ I've gotten better, though. For years, I literally never drank water. How I even survived, idk. How many times have you gone fishing? Countless times. Ever been to a roller-skating rink? Yeah. I loved having bday parties there as a lil'un. What do you refer to your mother as? (Mom, momma, mommy) Mom, Ma, and Mama. Have you ever swam in the ocean? Yeah, multiple times. What is the last movie that made you cry? I think the remake of The Lion King. What would you like to swim in other than water? Nothing? If you could uninvent one thing what would you chose? Damn, just one? Maybe cigarettes? Have you ever read someone's diary? Absolutely not. I respect people's privacy. Have you ever played in a waterfall? No, but that'd be dope. Who has inspired you the most in your life? Probably Mark. Is there a place where everyone who lives near you tends to hang out? Idk. Teens sure do love to hang out at Sonic, though, reving their stupid fucking trucks. Does your alarm clock wake you with music, or with an annoying buzz sound? Music. Did you make it all the way through the Oregon Trail game? Yes; I was obsessed with those as a kid. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Which one are you more scared of? I feel like being alone with a tiger would scare me most. Though let's be real, I'd probably try to pet it. Have you ever changed your favorite color? From what to what? It was originally red, but then became pink when I actually understood it was its own color. Then it was maroon forever, and now it's back to pink. On a scale of 1-10, how competitive are you? Eh, 4-6? It depends on the situation, I guess. At what age did your have your most memorable birthday? My 21st, because I was in the psych hospital for it. Yes or no: Guys in skinny jeans? Yeah, man. Yes or no: Girls with dreads? Some people can pull it off. Have you ever attended a themed b-day party? What was the theme? Oh yeah, plenty. Do you have any Eminem on your iPod/MP3 player? I do. Has anybody ever given you a promise ring? No. What do you think about putting ‘spinners’ on cars? So long as they're not too distracting, I don't care. Do what you want with your car - again, so long as it is not disruptive. What celebrity do you wish would have a big comeback? I wish poor Britney Spears could catch a goddamn break and be happy again. She's a legend that doesn't deserve to feel like a puppet. Were you outdoors or indoors more as a kid? I'd say there was a pretty even split. Do you or have you ever owned a horse? No, but I LOVE horses. Have you ever had a relationship that began via text? (weird, I know, but it happens…) Most of my relationships started through a text message. Did you believe in unicorns as a small child? I don’t think so. Would you ever date a guy with longer hair than yourself? Yeah; I have short hair anyway, and I also like long hair on guys. Do you watch the show Wizards of Waverly Place? I used to love that show. Have you ever been to the rainforest? No; humidity aside though, that would be so amazing. Bats are not spooky or are they? I think they're precious. Do you like the song "Womanizer?" I sure do, actually. Do you like ice cream cake? Not really, but I'll eat it. Do you know how to change a tire? Nope. What kind of headphones do you have? Just cheap earplugs. Do you experiment a lot with new looks on yourself? No. What were some fun experiments you did in science class as a kid? Dissecting a frog was my favorite, and doing the same with an owl pellet was also very cool. What was the last strong emotion you felt? Guilt. I lied to get out of group therapy early because I was just NOT feeling it whatsoever that day, and I hate lying. Do you use dry shampoo between washes? No. Have you ever lived with someone you didn’t get along with? No. What types of animals have you had as pets? Jeez, what haven't we had... We've had cats, dogs, snakes, rats, gerbils, a rabbit, hamsters, lizards, fish, guinea pigs... Hell, I'm probably forgetting one or two. Can you name three good things about your most recent ex? She's so creative, a real advocate for proper reptile education and appreciation, and very kind. Name three bands/artists that you hate. Uhhh The Talking Heads, Bob Dylan, and The Police. What’s the best memory you have of your father? Playing softball with him in the front yard, and when he taught me to ride a bike. Should tattoos be meaningful? You get a tattoo for whatever reason you damn well want. I don't plan on all of mine to be meaningful. Some stuff I just want because I think it's cool. Are you afraid of the dark? No. Have you ever been through a trap door? No. What's the most recent good news you’ve heard? Hm. Who was the last person in your family to have a baby? My older sister. When’s the last time you used the microwave? Last night. What’s the worst thing in your life right now? Financial struggles. Have you ever owned a tire swing? No. Does anyone you know own a bird that can talk? No. Have you ever been someplace tropical? Yeah, Florida. Have Jehovah'ss witnessess ever called to your door? Yep. when was the last time you went to mass/church? I have no idea. It's been many years. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? Thank heavens no.

[ne-fe-li-bata]

Aye yo CORPSE!  ...

Dead ass;

You can't convince me that Corspe was/is/does ; 

in no particular order..

• Deserve to be held ( I would smother him with my chest and hold him tighter than he has ever been held) & protected from this world

• Pyro! Mans loves🔥🔥🔥 - mostly his fav elemental  (Leo is a fire sign); “WOOO... now that’s a fire!”

•  Loves knives/weapons- has a collection (quite a nifty 1, ay thank-a-you) & even knows how to use butterfly knives/ tackle combat.

      Has a collection of weapons (brass knuckle, daggers, swords, knives,etc.)

•  Highly interested in combat/training. Most likely has training in some sort of combat. Loves any form of physical combat < UFC,MMA, Boxing, any type of martial arts>

•  Absolute proper gentlemen / clearly has the utmost charm/cunning

      I.e holds the door open & will slap yo ass on the way in, moves you away from street side when walking, pulls chairs, defends your honor, etc.

• Takes A . L . O . T  to truly capture his attention- but once you have it ..%100

•  With his person; protective/obsessives/ possessive/ sensual/ affectionate .

              < mine is mine. me no share -like absolutely not at all>

             “ You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down for ya“

• RP'er on DeviantArt/chats had his own OC. (also prob had his fav person to RP with) 

         <prob even talked to them in MSN or private chat>

•  Watched mostly nothing by anime/cartoons (nick/CN) as a kid & also mostly watched certain shows/movies as a kid well into his teens

         (could recite quotes/scenes as second nature)

•  Not a major musical theatre type of kid. But musical movies/shows was 1 of his favs- but still highly interested/ in love with theatre/musicals/preforming arts none the less.

-EYES DON’T LIE

•’staring problem’ he’d just stare at you -deep in his head (both good & bad) you’d have to bring him back to you ..”babe- eh, come *snap*back to me. What’s on your mind my love?’

•  Genuinely a really warm person- but only to certain people, but comes across cold & distance 

•  Grew up in the internet & knows the way around the 'business' & 'faceless' YouTubers/celebrities

•  His teens/ late adolescents consisted & grew up on YouTube O.G videos/ video game commentary/content;

  Cry.. <Cry was a huge part of my life & still hold a special place in my heart. Corspe just like I was most likely devastated with the shit that went down> 

Jack

Nova

Sp00n

Jontron

Smosh

Nigahiga

Shane

Jenna

Hanna Hart

Phil/Dan

KevJumba

Ray William Johnson

Pewds

Machinima

EMT

ERB

Wassabi Prod.

VlogBros, 

-etc

• Has an oral fixating (lovebites indefinitely <like dead ass ya’ll be chillan/ out & he’d attack you> & just needs something in his mouth always)

• Fidgety af, always need to be playing with something in his hands/playing with 

•  Is a goddamn absolute certified freak--but also super soft bean boi. (can't stress how this boi needs& deserves to be protected)

• Constant hand/arm touching/stroking for comfort.

• Daddy{papi} / Mommy(mamá) . Master . Sir  kink - hard control kinks- but highly sub. 

hard(er) kinks

• Lovebites = M I N E 

obvs fishnets/ crossbody straps/ lingerie

lace

collars/ restraints 

toys

     •RP

degrading/praising

sub/dom switch

showing/proving your actually/completely & utterly his/ he’s completely & utterly yours..

& of course you know it's go time when 1 - if not both of you has kitty ears on. 

over stim 

*no touchy/ don’t let me go*

“look at what I’ve done to you”

“you kno only I can do this to you”

“look how greedy you are for me”

“look at the mess you’ve made because of me’ 

“cum on my face”/’cum for me”

“who do you belong to” / “you belong to me & only me”

100% all black clothing 🖤

*that once we get home / I swear I’ll deal with you right here, right now* look 

primal play  “when you run from me, it only makes me want you more” “you know imma find you kitten”

pet names (beast< i feel like you call this man “ (a) beast”-he about to lose his absolute fucking mind> , “oh Corpse/______, you absolute fuckin’ beast- my God” kitten, babyboy/girl, baby(e), bae, my love, lover boy, my darling, slut, needy little bitch, cum slut, lil’ whore, master/mistress, king/queen”

“only yours” “just ______” “ no-one but _____” “only____” “only you” 

‘I’ll keep you so no one can find you or bother us’

“that’s my girl” / “that's my boy”

“would you like to/ I saw----”

“look at me” “don’t look away from me”

GROWLING / talking through clenched jaw

not breaking eye contact 

     • his name & ‘Corspe’ being cried out 

“cry out my name for me baby. know who you belong to”

video/sexing/teasing 

breeding kink

voyeurism

abrasions

aftercare af 

impact play 

24/7

edging 

accidental stim; “holy fuck- I’m so turned on by you rn”

rope bondage 

begging 

worships 

•  But also soft kinks; 

MEME SENDING

head on lap/chest

naps

playing with hair 

matching outfits

voice messages 

always touching (somehow)

no space between bodies

picture taking together/ just of you

body rubs, head rubs

massages

competition 

play fighting

“this reminded me of you”

“I remember you said” “I know you...”

“you know I love you”

“I can tell by your eyes”

“ugh- I swear to shit imma marry you 1 day”

“nothing really made sense until you”

“do you wanna watch”/ “WAIT!? YOU HAVEN’T SEEN?!”

“damn- you really do love/like me, eh?”/ “you are SO fucking mine”

“that’s my girl”/ “that's my boy”

pet names/ “MY_______” “YOURS”

long stares

dates- stay at home dates are his fav, as your attention/focus is just on him 

choker/necklace/ jewelry (that 1 of you bought- NOT LIKE HIGH PRICE TAG, but like seen it & was like ‘omg ____ would so wear...’) 

cuddles with movies /anime watching time

just being in the same room/on call- even in silence 

* emojis*- just some sort of communication 

inside jokes/ puns/dark humor

seeing 1 another with kids

future kink (family, travel, etc)

playing video games 

dancing/ singing with 1 another

Sitting on the ground, wrapped around his leg when he streams/edits

Nerf gun fights 

Watching him record (tracks/editing/streaming)

•  Loves- loves surprises <like dead ass would set up a surprise date/ do a scavenger hunt for you/ surprise you with your fav thing>

•  Loyalty is everything & his best attribute (& pride) 

• The music that he make is from the soul/heart. He pit everything has has/what he has left into his art

•  No one has seen the real him - a side he truly hides

•  He's both book & street smart

           Taught himself through YouTube/Reedit/online 

•  Fav actors; Jim Carrey/Robbin Williams/Will Smith (?)

•  Man’s straight up dangerous. we only know like a  quarter of him & people fall at his feet. ( h e . i s . n o t . t o . b e. F U C K E D . w i t h) 

•  Hates silence 

         ( constantly needs background noise)  <also can't fight me on this babyboi cuddles pillows/blankets for night-night time>

•  People don't understand the pain he is in every day, unless they have fibromyalgia/GERD/high functioning (sever social)anxiety/depression/ agoraphobia 

(my mom suffers with fibro/depression <I myself have GERD/ sever social amenity/depression>& I wouldn't wish those illness on my worse enemy...)

• Over all pain has changed him

• Has dealt with self harm since a young age- most likely 9- 11 yrs old. (as someone else who’s suffered with SH for years- when you become so numb it 1 of the only ways to feel some sort of anything/makes you feel like you’re alive)

• Addiction (drugs/people/things)

•  Wrote & read a lot of fanfiction

        (most likely his main source of reading in pre/teenage years)

• Is a hopeless romantic but has his guard way up

•  Obsessed with Japan / Studio Ghibli

• Doesn't think he deserves any of the recognition/ fame he's gotten--but definitely deserves it all as he's creative & inspirational as fuck. Also he’s worked so hard for it & had put himself through so much

    Contrary is highly appreciative of those that are supporting

• Doesn't do it for the fame but for the fact he know how he's gotten people through hard time (just like those on the internet got him through)

• Was a scene boy that vibe’d of myspace/ listens to a lot of  ‘scene’ pop-punk, emo/ scene band shit (band?)

•  Also is/was a major tumblr boy

•  Would be a phenomenal father

•   His love language: physical touch & words of affirmation 

• He would flinch at touch movement but would melt in your hands

• Face caresses would trigger anxiety/ tears.. but once he’s calmed/comfortable would burry his face in your touch. neck & chest

•  Still caught up in daydreams

•  A part of him is still never satisfied even if it’s exactly to the pin point detail of what he wanted  

•  Has at least 40/50(ish) songs he hasn't released

•  Mommy & daddy issues (not saying his home life was really- really  fucked - but non the less- it certainly wasn't the best).. Also wants to protect/provide for his family (especially his sister) & was prob closer to a grandparent/aunt/uncle)

•  Definitely prefers to be by himself, as every time people come around, it's like;‘"this is why I'm okay (ish)with being alone" 

• lost an important person to him due to O.D/ suicided..

•  Also most likely to of heard his "friends" shit talking 'Corpse' or something correlated with him

•  His pride is his biggest sin (next to lust)

•  Has single-handedly defined a huge part of 2020 ( in the best way)

•  Went through a fighting stage where he was ready to fuck anyone up on a drop of a dime (middle/'high school'/street fights- possibly even under ground)

          but also a stage where he cut absolutely everyone off for a solid couple years

•  Most likely obsessed with 1 of 3 creatures; lion, dragon, wolf ( 5ish- possibly bear/fox)

•  Dinosaur obsessed 

• Internet & video games raised him

• He raised himself

Quick to adapt to surroundings/situations.

•  Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was his shit ( I CAN SO SEE YOUNG BABYBOI RUNNIN AROUND THE HOUSE IN A POWER RANGER SUIT) "IT'S MORPHIN' TIME MOTHER FUCKER"

              fav ranger- green 

•  Has up until next year planned out & is working on the next 'version of corpse' ( PR, vids, music, etc)

•  Also med/high key this man was most likely in a physcward (more than once) ..

•  This man deserves more than he'll ever give himself recognition for & knows in the back of his mind--people will hate just to hate

•  Rose is his fav flower  🌹

•⛈️🌧️. >🌞.  Loves storms/ rain & prefers them over sunny days

•  Loves the moon/stars/space (?) < observatorium dates = fuckin mint>

• Pixar/Disney lover

        <still believes- deep down in happy ever after ... but thorough an twisted yet not so twisted- simple(??), dedicated process(?)>

•  Fav Pixar movie.. either Wall.E or Toy Story 

    •  Pixar > Disney

         •  But fav Disney movie- Beauty & the Beast (?)

• Most likely had a Jackass obsession's (doing dumb hoodshit)

•  Fall is his fav season (?)

•  Horror/ thriller movies/shows over everything (obvs)

•   Had an escape place in town where he’d hide from the world- that absolutely no one knew about. 

•  Was really into graffiti/ street art 

•  Arested as a youth - but charges dropped- or was still considered a mirror (either fighting/ possession/ trespassing/ vandalisms)

• Arrested on heavier charges (also same as above - but not tried as an minor)

•  also-ALSO ... thou he feels like he owes people something. HE DOESN’T OWE ANYTHING TO A N Y O N E . His mental & well being is the most important.

•  On a side & major note. You can't deny that this man single handily is a (in my opinion) the 2nd biggest “C” that define 2020.

•  Was most likely really into skateboarding/BMX

• Late night drives/impulsive road trips & playlist/ sitting at lookouts, just in silence & touching 1 another. 

• Clingy af-.. but could also be distance & cold af- especially on high pain days. stormy brain days. PTSD episodes.

• Slow dancing/ dancing around the apartments. with or without music.

• Rocking out with each other- screaming lyrics in each other face.

• “hey baby- how you feelin” 

         *grunting* *shuffles over & lays on chest* 

• Huge comforts for 1 another;

      Especially when going out, being wrapped around him for comfort & reassurance. Even being at home alone together- panic attacks are shit, PTSD episodes are even more shit. helping each other with bathing & caring

     When he’d be hiding from his reflection- or stares just a little too long. Going up behind him & worship him (vise versa)

• He’d be your biggest hypeman/ #1 fan (vise versa)

• Would LOVE you wearing his clothes/jewelry & would love to wear you things.

Was probably engaged to his ex (that's why he gets offt when people mention "corpse wife"

There'd be days where he'd be so distance & cold.. & tell you to leave but wouldn't let you.

He'd sit in the bathroom with you when you shower/have a bath.

As he doesn't sleep most night. He'd be up just watching you sleep & caressing you.

Lil spoon > big spoon.

<more to be added>

I love you... genuinely . turly.  madly. deeply.

[cruecifymesixx]

Love and Leather /part thirty two/

Word count: 2.5k

A/N: back to our regular scheduled angst!

Warnings: domestic violence, language, Nikki and Vanity back on their bullshit

Taglist: @brideofdraculana, @xstarryeyes, @aryssav, @miserablecunt, @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol, @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies, @fandomshit6000, @anntheboneless, @venus-calum, @justjodeye, @supernaturalvikingwhore, @are-we-real, @hi-my-name-is-riley, @extremesadnerding, @myheadisinvaded, @thatbandchick39, @awkwrdcait, @countrygirlswonderland, @dillightfulpickle, @baiabouk, @awesomealmostdopestudent, @martabastic, @romanticvengeance, @tashy-bear, @krazykatkay456, @terror-triplet, @shouttatthedevill, @beachystars, @rodriguez025, @kickstart-myheart-sixx, @s-outhie, @anxious-diabetic, @awkwardblackgirls, @motlycrue, @brooklyn-antiques, @shamelessobsessions, @jerseytaint, @lilytalebi,  @criminalyetminimal, @motley-queen, @trapt-in-a-dream, @lunamadhatter99, @broke-n-bitchy, @thanks2pete, @slowandangry, @lovesick-heart0, @keepcalm-and-beyou, @miriampraez, @teenwolflover28, @lilyhw1, @swoopygorl, @motherloovebone, @random-internet-user-4471, @falcon-arrows, @talranocchia2001, @wheresmyvodkabitch, @waywardprincess666, @nikkisixxsixxsixx, @iluvmesomemarvelndc, @marvelismylifffe, @zoenicoles, @pfft-halsey, @vamprlestat, @supersoldierballerina, @primal-screamer, @electradestiny, @marshbev, @n0-sh0rtage-0f-faults, @cruebaby, @ggorehorror, @valentines-in-london, @miss2001babe

June ‘86

“That is not how you play UNO!” Tommy shouted in frustration, “Yes it is! Skip you, come back to me, skip you, uno, skip you again and uno out, I win T-bone.” Vanity replied, a giggle in her voice as she watched him try to wrap his head around it.

“Whatever, let’s play again.” Tommy hastily replied, collecting all the cards as he Began to shuffle them.

Tommy rolled his eyes as Nikki and Josie’s fighting had become more prominent. Vanity looked down the walk way, seeing the door was still closed. “Man, She never shuts up.” Tommy exasperated, Vanity quickly nods in agreement, “She makes me look like an angel.”

Vanity noticed Mick who was going back and forth between sipping on a vodka bottle and tuning one of his guitars as she tried to tune out the screaming match in the back.

“We should prank Vince.” Vanity mentioned to Tommy, nodding over to the blonde haired singer as he was trying to bask in the sun that was perfectly hitting the couch, “He’s still reeling over the hair dye in his shampoo incident, he will kill us.” Tommy said laughing as the bedroom door slammed open with an angry Nikki walking out.

“Well maybe if you weren’t slamming needle after needle you could keep your dick up!!” Josie screamed at Nikki as she shoved him from behind.

“Was never an issue for me..” Vanity whispered, making both her and Tommy laugh, “And whats so fucking funny to you?” Josie turned her attention to Vanity as she smacked her hand on the table.

It has only been a week since the altercation. Josie stays out of her way and Vanity does the same. Looks and words haven’t been exchanged for the sake of the band. If Josie comes into the common areas of the tour bus, Vanity climbs either into her bunk or Tommy’s to watch a movie. If Nikki gives all his attention to Vanity, which happens more then any of them would like to admit, Josie goes and finds someone else to entertain her rather it be Vince or some random guy she finds.

“What’s hilarious is that you’re constantly on Nikki’s dick, following him around like a lost puppy.” Josie expressed as an un-amused laugh escaped Vanity’s lips.

“Maybe if you knew what you were doing, he could keep it up....was never an issue with me, huh Sixx?” Vanity teased, sending a wink towards Nikki.

“God, is it that time of the month already?” Vince gave his two cents as Vanity and Josie glared at him, “Shut up!” They both shouted at him. He grumbled to himself as he put the blanket over his head.

“Leave her out of this, it’s between you and me.” Nikki demanded, gripping Josie’s arm so she would look at him, “Only if you knew how to treat a woman. Clearly mommy wasn’t too good at teaching you that. Actually she didn’t teach you anything.” Josie lashed out at Nikki, his face immediately turning into anger.

“She shouldn’t say those things.” Tommy whispered across the table to Vanity, she nodded in agreement. This isn’t gonna end well we’re Vanity’s inner thoughts as she felt her stomach twist into knots.

“Watch your fucking mouth.” Nikki warned, stepping into Josie’s face as she smirked back at him. “Tommy, do something.” Vanity said, worried of what was gonna happen if Josie continued. Vanity, from personal experience of course, knew better then to throw the mommy issues in his face. For Christ sake, he left a hole in her wall when she mouthed off to him.

Tommy shook his head, “She already started, he’ll finish it. Don’t worry.” Vanity rolled her eyes, taking a sip of the beer that was in front of her.

“Oh? Sad mommy didn’t want you? Hey, at least daddy-“ Josie wasn’t able to finish as Nikki’s ringed fist connected with her mouth making her fall down to the ground in immediate cries.

“Holy shit!” Everyone collectively yelled, “Nikki! What the fuck!” Vanity shouted, shoving him away from her as she knelt down to check on Josie.

Josie’s eyes were full of fear and tears, flinching when Vanity’s hand came near her face, “You’re okay.” She whispered as Josie cupped her mouth, quickly looking at all the blood that was pooling in the palm of her hand.

“Get this cunt off my bus! Now!!” Nikki yelled, the bus coming to a screeching halt, “Move!” Nikki shouted towards Vanity, pushing her away from Josie as he grabbed her by hair, pulling her up to her feet, “I fucking told you to stop running your god damn mouth!!” Nikki screamed in her face, as tears ran down her cheeks.

Vanity freezes as she watches them, it’s like time stopped and she was back where she was five years ago, standing in the middle of the house she shared with Julian. The look on Nikki’s face was a spitting image of Julian. The way his hand wrapped around her hair, feeling as if they were about to be ripped out. The redness of his face as he screamed at her at the top of his lungs. The genuine terror that plagued Josie’s eyes, that was Vanity five years ago. The blood and the tears dripping down, that was her.

“Ju-Julian stop.” Vanity said, the abrupt words taking everyone off guard. With another shove, Josie was standing outside of the bus. “Nikki...I meant Nikki.” Vanity whispered, not trying to look at him as he approached her, also making her take a step back, “You can get the fuck off my bus too.” Nikki snarled, quickly grabbing Josie’s bags from the room and throwing them at her feet outside.

“He doesn’t mean that, you know that.” Tommy said, grabbing ahold of Vanitys hand as she tried leaving, “I know.” Vanity replied, “I’m just taking a breather.” She reassured him as she stepped outside.

She noticed Josie standing on the side of the road, spitting blood out of her mouth, “Want one?” Vanity held out a cigarette between her fingers, “Sure.” Josie responded, quickly taking it as they smoked together in silence, watching Nikki throw every piece of luggage out of the bus.

“Doll, What are you doing!” Nikki yelled, stepping off the bus as he approached Vanity, “You kicked me off the bus, Nikki.” She reminded him, he groaned, rolling his eyes in frustration, “Yes, I know..I’m sorry, let’s go, we’re gonna be late.” Nikki said, grabbing Vanity's hand, trying to pull her back inside.

“No!” She fought back, pulling her hand away from his grip, “Dammit Vanity, can you ever listen to me once! Let’s go!” Nikki reached for her hand again, she quickly shoved him away.

“Fuck you, don’t touch me.” Vanity muttered making Nikki’s expression soften, “Princess, I am sorry...but we are really going to be late. Please, can we just go?” Nikki spoke sweetly, sticking his hand out of her to grab, “You can’t just leave her here!” Vanity shouted, “Look at where we are! We are in the middle of nowhere! We are miles from the next town!!” Vanity tried to get Nikki to reason with her as they were standing in the middle of the road arguing.

“She signed her own fucking death wish! Let’s go! I’m leaving with or without you!” Nikki yelled at her.

“Alright, bye.” Vanity waved him off, turning her back towards him, “We are leaving!” Nikki shouted, picking Vanity up and throwing her over his shoulder, “Put me down! I’m not going anywhere with a woman beater!!” Vanity shouted, hitting Nikki on the shoulders as they made their way back onto the bus.

“Close the doors! We are fucking going!” Nikki ordered the driver, “No!” Nikki groaned out load, “Vanity! We don’t have time for this!” Nikki was in her ear as she rummaged through her purse and grabbed her wallet.

“I’m so sorry.” She said to Josie, who was a blubbering mess, “It’s-it’s all I have on me.” Vanity said, putting a fat wad of cash into her hands. The doors of the tour bus closed as they started driving again.

“You son of a bitch!” Vanity shouted at Nikki, shoving his chest, “She had it fucking coming!! She wouldn’t stop!! It’s her fault!!” Nikki tried defending his actions.

“Oh so you’re gonna fucking hit me too the next time I mouth off!? Is that so!!” Vanity pestered him, shoving his chest again, “And you just fucking leave her on the side of the road with a mouth full of blood!! God, you’re such a bastard, Nikki.” Vanity continued to scold him, as they stared at one another.

Nikki was tired of the arguing, and he for sure didn’t want to argue anymore with her. He quickly grabbed Vanity’s hand and dragged her along to his bedroom, “No, fuck you, let go of me!” Vanity shouted at him before Nikki slammed the door, locking it as he turned around and leaned against it.

He looked at her from head to toe, watching her chest heave up and down as she was trying to calm herself down. They stood in a comfortable silence as Nikki practically undressed her with his eyes, her taking note in his desire that burned through him with just a simple gaze.

“Oh no, we are not- no, don’t look at me like that.” Vanity murmured, getting an arrogant smirk from Nikki in return, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He retorted, inching his way closer to her.

“I know that look, and you are not touching me.” Nikki smiled, putting his arms out wide in defense, “What look, Princess? I’m not doing anything.”

Vanity quickly put her hand on his chest to stop him from coming any closer, “I’m sorry.” Nikki shyly replied taking her hand off of him, bringing it up to his lips to kiss it.

“Just because you think kissing me and touching me is gonna make everything better between us, it won’t. So don’t eve-“

Nikki rolled his eyes at her nervous rambling before cupping both sides of her cheeks and kissing her. He felt her hand hands try to push him away, but he wrapped his arms around her body as he guided them to the bed.

Vanity was underneath him in an instant, his lips trailing down to her neck, nipping and sucking at that sweet spot he knows drives her wild, “Nikki...stop.” Vanity forced out, not really knowing if she wanted him to stop or not, but fuck they had a lot to talk about.

“No.” Nikki said, bringing his lips back to hers, “It’s been so long since I’ve touched you.” Vanity let out a small sigh of relief as she felt his hand slide down, his fingers undoing the button and zipper of her jeans.

“See what you do to me.” Nikki moaned, grabbing Vanity’s hand, making her feel how hard he was through the fabric of his pants. “Just let me make you feel good, let me show you how sorry I am.”

“Nikki, get off of me.” Vanity groaned, pushing him off, as she stood up and faced him, “Use real fucking words for once in your life Nikki.” Vanity crossed her arms as she glared at him. He sat back on his knees, hoping that she would give up so he could fuck her already.

“Just let me fuck you and then we can talk, alright.” Nikki said, trying to reach for her hand to pull her back, “No!! Apologize to me for all the bullshit you’ve put me through!” Nikki groaned in frustration as he leaned back onto the bed.

“What do you want me to apologize for? I’ve done nothing to you.” Nikki retorted, sitting back up so he can face her.

“Oh I don’t know! Maybe for your junkie girlfriend almost getting me arrested!” “You broke my bass!!” “Cause she pissed me off!!” Vanity sighed, “Nikki, what do you want from me?”

“I Uh...I...What do you mean?” Nikki stuttered as he looked over at her, “Do you want me?” Vanity questioned, noticing how uncomfortable he became, “I want you naked underneath me.” Nikki replied, a laugh coming from Vanity, “No..Nikki...Do you want me?” She clarified.

Nikki swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. Of course I want you, but you said we wouldn’t be good for each other.

“I just want us to go back to how we were, before Josie and before Ryan. Just you and me. Nikki and Vanity, no strings attached.” Nikki answered, “The boys keep telling me you have feelings for me.” Vanity trailed off, “Its okay if you do...I just, I don’t think I feel the same way.” Vanity let him down easily just in case.

“Vanity, you’re a great girl, a even better fuck, but I don’t have feelings for you, the guys are just fucking around. I mean, of course I love you you’re practically my best friend, but I don’t love you like that.” Nikki explained, even though he knew the little crush he had on her was starting to grow. He tried his best to keep how he felt about her tucked away, but it always came out in some shape or form. Rather it be how he spent months prior to Christmas trying to get the bracelet together just for her, or when he gets extremely jealous that some guy has her attention when they’re out at a bar or club. 

“Okay good, because that would’ve been messy.” Vanity says, jokingly wipes sweat from her forehead, “Yeah...messy...” Nikki forces a laugh, “No more girlfriends or boyfriends, at least until I get bored of you.” Vanity teased, placing her hands on his shoulders, gripping the ends of his hair in between her fingertips.

“I apologized, so now can I fuck you?” Nikki asked, cupping her ass as he pulled her closer to him, “No, I need to go teach Tommy how to play Uno.” She smirks, pushing away from him.

“You also need to take a trip to the doctor before I let you touch me...Josie looked dirty.” Vanity teased. Nikki scoffed, “My dick is fine.” Vanity laughed, opening up the door and seeing the boys already looking in their direction.

“That’s how you end up with syphilis again.” She continued to tease him, “As long as you’ll dress up as a slutty nurse and take care of me, I’ll risk it.” Nikki followed her out, and back into the common areas of the tour bus.

“Everything okay in paradise?” Vince joked, Nikki quickly punching him in the chest, “I’m serious, Nik.” Vanity continued on, “Alright, Alright.” Nikki sighed in defeat, sitting down on the couch and picking up a guitar.

“Now, before we were so rudely interrupted.” Vanity said to Tommy, glaring at Nikki who flipped her off in return. She picked up the cards once more, “Let me show you how to play.” Tommy laughed, “Your way of playing is just cheating.” Vanity shook her head, shuffling and dealing out the cards as they began to play again, trying to kill time before they arrived at the next venue.

[holden-woods]

okay so, hi !!  10 million later, and i finally have this bad boi up. for those of you who don’t know my name is maaria ( or mars. ) i am 23, i live in nyc, i can touch my tongue to my nose & i respect any bich that can bring me a good meme. holden ( the magnet ) is literally the worst person i know and i’m so sorry abt him lmao. learn more fax him below. 

history. 

holden is the product of an extramarital affair, his father was a new york city corporate lawyer ( largely based on jordan belfort aka leo dicaprio in wolf of wall street so pls be sympathetic towards his daddy issues lmao ) & his mother’s father owned one of the corporations he was retained for. they met at a cinco de mayo party, drunk off of margaritas. his entire existence was destined to be a travesty. 

prior to him, his father had a daughter from first marriage, gianna ( 28 yrs old ) who vehemently pretends that holden is not related to him. he has two younger twin sisters margot and bridgette. ( both 13, both terrible. )

his parents clash heads a lot as holden’s father is quite frankly always toeing the line when it comes to matters of legality regarding his finances, stock trades, and client list so the fbi has fluttered in and out of their lives for years, trying to gather evidence against him. 

regardless of the bullshit, holden’s always lived quite cushy living with a bougie gated community of mansions, summering in exotic places, and receiving a range rover the second he was able to drive, however given holden’s father’s unsavory background the rest of ashmont society has a low opinion of holden’s family. 

his mother fusses over him to no end, still treats him like he’s six, calls him twice a day even tho he lives in the same damn town as these people, and still calls her mommy lmao. he literally has a tattoo in her honor. yah boy would throw hands for his mom. 

he’s also fairly close to his younger sisters, his football jersey is their birthday year. ( 06 )

personality. 

okay so summarize holden holistically, i will be providing two videos: this one + this one. now you know who holden is a person lmao. 

ya boy turns up to every single party ever, invited or not. will 100% get drunk and dance in your kitchen to brittney spears. *britney vc* he’s not that innocent. 

on the football team, and is dfjklfd very competitive. it’s sad boi hrs for holden any time the boys lose a game. catch him listening to celine dion and dramatically looking out a window for days after. 

met bill nye once and cried abt on instagram live.

if he hasn’t quoted a vine all day, please know that like avril lavigne, the real holden has died and been replaced with a clone. 

v v v friendly, and tries to make everyone and anyone he meets feel comfortable and appreciated no matter who they are, what crowd they’re from as long as they are respectful. gets super defensive when people are being bullying someone, and always calls them out. 

the kinda dude who sits with the lonely kid if they let him fsdjlsfj. 

will kick your ass, but will also cry if you put him on a roller coaster. 

HE’S A PRE-MED STUDENT LMAO, I KNOW I CAN’T BELIEVE IT EITHER... but at his core, hold is v much someone who lives to help other people. he’s incredibly stupid at a surface level bc he has big fuck boi energy, however he’s immensely gifted in mathematics and science and does try hard to keep his grades up between getting crunk at your next event. 

was named after holden caulfield and has never read catcher as a lifelong protest to his name being an accidental dick joke. 

volunteers at the hospital every other weekend, tho he wants to specialize in pediatrics, he loves spending time with the seniors. learns magic tricks to dazzle them 

a huge fucking flirt. god this man is engaged to be marry ( holla cassidy turner ) but fdjslkfs... will flirt without even realizing he’s flirting. 

also he was big slut back in the day so there’s big chance he might have slept with your muse ): this is what happens when your name is a dick joke. the dick life chooses you, you don’t choose it. 

more aggressive than he should be... gets wound up and defensive over his friends, his girl, what he believes to be morally correct. is known to immediately start brawls without hesitation over the listed matters. 

is fueled by rice krispy treats, skittles, burgers, cheese sticks, pizza, gatorade and probably like nothing else lmao. 

has a v douchey 2019 range rover, and drives like a 84 yr old grandfather in it bc he’s afraid of fender benders. it’s name is lightning mcqueen, after the fucking movie cars even tho they look NOTHING alike. 

holistically a nice guy, kind of a slut, prob needs an outlet for his anger. 

based off of.

jared ( booksmart ), fred jones, aladdin, james potter, richie tozier, sodapop curtis, michael kelso, joey tribbiani, gob ( arrested development )

pinterest .

( X )

i’ll have a connection’s page and a pretty theme up later tonight fdljdfs.

[thegreatwhiteferret]

87 Random Questions

I was tagged by @edwardtheloser because JJ just wants the world to burn. 💖💖💖

1. Where do you live? I currently live in Delaware...yeah, the tiny ass state everyone forgets about.

2. One cool item you own? I’m trying to think of something really deep and meaningful...I have a Texas charm with golden star on it that I wear with a cross on a chain around my neck and never take off. 

3. Moon or stars? The stars (High key one of the things I miss most about Texas)!

4. Places you’d like to travel to? Either to London or to Disney...both are related to Peter Pan for reasons.

5. Favorite song? I cannot possibly pick just one song...music is everything. Praying by Kesha has me all sorts of in the feels right now.

6. Do you have any fears? I am afraid of so many things. I am afraid of the dark, germs, going into anaphylaxis, letting people down, not being good enough...I should stop now, right?

7. Do you feel different than you did last year? I mean I guess. The past year has been really bad for me, but I’ve just recently started feeling really hopeful about the future.

8. What is your race? I am white as white can be. I’m 75% Canadian (25-British, 25-Irish, and 25-French with a bit of Native American mixed in) and then 25% mystery that is most likely German or Dutch. 

9. Pet peeves? People being assholes when they disagree with something and people smacking when they eat. (These two just stuck out, there are more, I’m petty as hell)

10. Any siblings? I have 3 sisters.

11. Are you a gamer? Only if The Sims and Dream Daddy count. Hand eye coordination is not there.

12. Sexual orientation? Pansexual Princess 

13. Does a broken mirror mean bad luck? I don’t know, but I will steer the fuck clear!

14. What do you feel is your mental age? Depends on the day. Sometimes I feel like I’m sixteen some days I feel like I’m forty. There is no consistency. 

15. How old were you when you started dating? My family was super strict, so no dating officially until after I went to college.

16. Where do you do most of your online shopping? Forever21 and Amazon.

17. Favorite animal? Bears

18. What’s one film from the 2000s that you like? Psssssh, so many. School of Rock and Mean Girls were my shit though.

19. What’s your favorite scary movie? IT. I am a scaredy cat, so the fact that I love this movie so much is amazing.

20. Fun fact about yourself? I convinced my 5th grade teacher that I had elaborately schemed to get rid of my baby sister when I was only three years old to avoid actually having to write a serious paper. I won a damn award for my story too.

21. Shoe size? 9.5 or a 10 in Women's. 

22. Which fictional character(s) do you relate to the most? Junie B. Jones. She’s a real hero of mine. (JK, Stanley Uris and I are one in the same).

23. Where do you see yourself living in ten years? Philly, Boston, or Chicago. I need some excitement in my life.

24. Ever wore clothes that were just wayyy too tight? I mean I wore a corset around just for the hell of it the either night so....

25. What’s on your mind? How many stories I have in my queue to write and the fact that I am not doing that right now...whoops.

26. Are you religious? I’d still identify as Christian, but I have a lot of questions. I also don’t believe in pushing your religion on people, that’s an asshole move.

27. How tall are you? 5’8″

28. Favorite band? HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO PICK ONE??? Jesus, I’m going to see AJR in a few weeks so let me give them a shoutout.

29. Do you remember 2009? Yes. It sucked.

30. Cats or dogs? DOGS! You can fight me on this one @edwardtheloser they are freaking flawless and amazing.

31. Fruit or vegetables? Por que no los dos??

32. Do you want to get married? Yes. That would be nice.

33. Do you want children? I DO. So so bad. It’s a problem.

34. Flamingos or peacocks? Meh. Birds. (Only difference between me and Stan tbh)

35. What superpower do you wish you had? Telekinesis or Shapeshifting.

36. Are you a germ freak? Yes. I have severe food allergies and I break out when I touch the allergens, so I kind of have to be. Also, people are gross.

37. Did swearing baby, ghost car, or ghost caught on tape scare you as a kid? I don’t know what any of these are...

38. Do you prefer sweet or salty? Por que no los dos?

39. Tea or coffee? Give me all of the non carbonated caffeine.

40. Are you superstitious? Yes. I knock on wood. I won’t walk under ladders or on cracks in the sidewalk. I do counting things as coping mechanisms. I’m so bad.

41. Do you like stripes? Sure, but plaid is better.

42. Favorite shows as a kid? The Big Comfy Couch, Rugrats, The Wiggles, Doug, Arthur, Zoom...I liked TV a lot.

43. Favorite shows growing up? Lizzie McGuire, Boy Meets World, That’s So Raven, Sabrina the Teenage Witch...again, I liked TV a lot.

44. Favorite musical? I LOVE MUSICALS. Hamilton, Hairspray, High School Musical, Rocky Horror, Annie. All of them. RENT is my absolute favorite though, I bawled my eyes out when I saw it live.

45. Favorite movie? Inglorious Basterds, IT, and Goonies.

46. Birthday? October 1st.

47. Are you a grammar Nazi? Yes. It kills me not to correct people.

48. Ever gotten drunk? Hahahahaha. Yes.

49. Do you have a carrier bag? I switch between a small backpack, a big satchel bag and a small hot pink cross body purse. As long as my epi pen and wipes fit, I’m good.

50. What would you do if you were the opposite gender for a day? Some very NSFW things...I’m not sorry.

51. If you were the opposite gender what would you change your name to? Oliver, Ollie for short.

52. What song is stuck in your head? The Kids Aren’t Alright by The Offspring

53. Celebrity crush? Hilary Knight, Taron Egerton, Chris Evans, Hayley Williams, Joe Keery...so many. I love all the people.

54. If you could live in a non-English speaking country, where would it be? Sweden

55. Are you a good dancer? I try...

56. Have any allergies? Gluten and Dairy. Deathly allergic and people think it’s just a diet fad smh...

57. Any bad habits? Procrastinating and shoving my feelings down.

58. Ever broke a bone? Yes. My mom broke my leg when I was three, we fell down the stairs and if she hadn’t pushed me behind her and landed on my leg I would have gone head first into a brick wall. My mommy saved my life. 💖

59. Are you a city or country person? Both. I like the feel of the country with the convenience of the city.

60. Do you like your home country? United States of Go Fuck Yourself

61. Sunflowers or daisies? Sunflowers 

62. Tulips or roses? Tulips, they remind me of living in the Netherlands as a kid.

63. Oak or maple? Maple. I’m Canadian, eh.

64. Disney or Nickelodeon? BOTH! I WILL NOT CHOOSE!

65. WYR be obese or anorexic? I’m in recovery for both anorexia and bulimia and have been since I was twelve years old, body dysmorphia since I was seven because I’ve been overweight my entire life, and this question can go fuck itself. Jesus fucking Christ. Those are serious issues not choices. Fuck.

66. WYR be over 6 feet or under 5 feet? Under 5 feet, I hate being tall.

67. Rubies or sapphires? Sapphires

68. Are you stubborn? I am so stubborn that it hurts.

69. Have you been in scouts/Girl Scouts? Yes! And I loved it.

70. What type of music do you listen to? Everything. I love music.

71. Favorite vine? Uhmmmm...I was never into vines...sorry.

72. Beaches or castles? Castles. Real life Disney Princess y’all!

73. Pick the closest book to you, and write the line you opened to:

"I mean, a superhero. My heart almost squeezes to a stop. Blue loves superheroes.” -Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda

74. Anyone in the same room as you right now? Yup. My mama and the dogs. Pip is sleeping on my lap.

75. Which is worse; throwing up or diarrhea? I mean I don’t love either...

76. Butterflies or lady bugs? I don’t like bugs...butterflies qualify as well. 

77. Do you say “K” when you’re not mad? I never do this, because I am so cautious of how others will feel from it. You can’t take back hurt feelings.

78. How do you react when purposely scare you? I usually have some form of anxiety attack. My sister has made me cry and panic just from making me watch a YouTube video...I’m easy to scare guys.

79. Most overrated celebrity? Every Kardashian except for Khloe, I love her.

80. Do you have a globe in your room? No, I have a print of the world, but that would be so cool!

81. Do you have a dream catcher in your room? No, this would also be cool.

82. What do you see when you look out your window? Well it’s nighttime now so darkness.

83. Have you been on an airplane? Yes, I’ve been flying since I was a month old.

84. Do you believe in aliens? Yes. It’s stupid to think that we are alone in the universe.

85. Do you believe in ghosts? Absolutely. I don’t fuck with spirits, all respect.

86. Do you believe in God? I believe in a higher power, and I do still have faith in the Christian God, but I do have so many questions.

87. Do you believe in yourself? I’m working on it, y’all. That’s all I can say.

I am tagging randomly because I don’t know who has done this yet... @billbenbev @its-reddie-bitch @not-reddie @theriodiaries @demianhill @dannybriereisaliferuiner @thebroadstreetdarling @milagric and whoever else would like to do this, consider yourselves tagged! 💖💖💖💖💖

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael After Midnight: Xanadu & Why the Razzies Suck

The Razzies are probably the worst awards show out there for determining the quality of a film or performance. Mommie Dearest won for worst film of the 80s, Ben Affleck was nominated for worst actor for his role as Batman, The Shining and The Thing were both nominated, the people selecting the movies aren’t required to see them and go for the blandest, easiest targets… It’s safe to say the Razzies are a giant steaming turd of determining quality, and they are rightfully despised by just about every sort of legitimate critic and cinephile; notably, Brad Jones AKA the Cinema Snob has bashed them several times for their shitty qualifications for what is ‘bad.’ And if you don’t think their shitty judge of quality has been there from the start, here’s a look at one of the films that inspired the show: Xanadu.

Xanadu is a campy, glitzy musical made in the dying days of disco… but this isn’t just any musical. This is a musical where the soundtrack was done by Electric Light Orchestra and Olivia Newton-John in her heyday. With a combo like that, how the fuck could this fail? Well, I do have a theory, but let’s take a look at the plot first…

Xanadu is the tale of a struggling, frustrated artist named Sonny who paints album covers for a living… which is something he hates doing. In frustration he tosses some of his drawings to the wind, and through the power of early 80s disco light special effects, a drawing of nine girls comes to life; one of the girls, Kira, a rollerskating disco muse, finds and kisses him, and after being kissed by a muse Sonny’s whole life starts looking up. He meets Danny McGuire (played by Gene Kelly), a former big band leader, and soon with the encouragement of Kira the two new friends decide to convert on old abandoned building into a roller disco: Xanadu. Sonny and Kira also start to fall in love, but is their love doomed? I mean, she’s a muse after all. You know how human/divine being relations go, especially when said divine beings are Greek.

There is absolutely no denying that this movie is ridiculously campy and cheesy. The corny special effects with their glowing disco lights, the ridiculous styles, the very premise… it’s just so delightfully goofy. But see, I think this might be the main issue, and why this movie failed in the first place: it was, weirdly, too ahead of its time. Campy disco musicals weren’t really something people wanted when disco was on the way out the door, and who could have predicted disco would make a big comeback years later and that young woman and gay men would latch on to this glitzy musical with its hopeful message down the line? This is the same problem Batman & Robin would have years later; it is a film that came out at the wrong time, a time when people weren’t demanding what the film was offering. If this movie had come out later, sure, maybe it would have been ‘better,’ but it may not have had the same level of charm.

But even with understanding how one could find it bad… is it really so bad that it deserved to inspire an awful awards show that awarded bad movies? Fuck no. Gene Kelly is in here, and even at his age he is still as fleet on his feet; that guy had the fucking fire in his legs and was dancing like a madman. The story, while rather simple, is incredibly relatable and even timeless in a way; artists have always and will always feel the pain of struggling to find joy in their work, hoping they find the muse that will strike them with a grand idea that will set them free. There’s also an animated interlude in here courtesy of Don Bluth, in his first post-Disney animation work, and it is as fantastic as you’d expect from 80s Don Bluth. And then there’s the soundtrack… oh lord, the soundtrack.

We have one of my all time favorite bands combining with the charming Aussie songstress Olivia Newton-John, and by the gods this combination is like peanut butter and jelly. They work so well together. My favorite tracks are probably “All Around the World,” “I’m Alive,” “Magic,” and of course the title track, “Xanadu.” Some of the tracks even combine different genres, such as “Dancin’” combining big band music and glam rock together. The soundtrack itself also runs through tons of genres; there’s disco, rock, pop, and big band on here, there’s a genre for anyone to enjoy. I DO wish that they had the two songs the later stage adaptation added - “Strange Magic” and “Evil Woman” - but that’s only because those two songs are my favorite Electric Light Orchestra songs. Overall, this soundtrack is fun and fantastic, and though I can’t say I love every single song, the music certainly helps carry the movie.

Is this a perfect film? No way, but honestly, its imperfections are what make it so damn charming. It’s not a masterpiece or anything like that, but man is it a sweet, charming, fun little movie with a relatable plot and an awesome soundtrack. If anything about this movie sounds interesting to you, I’d say check this out. It’s worth a watch, and it definitely feels like the kind of movie I’d put on in the background while I’d work and occasionally glance up at for a smile.

Even understanding why people would dislike this in the 80s, come on, there HAD to have been worse movies that year than this. But this all does make sense. The Razzies have always been an institution that picks on the absolute easiest targets; Batman V Superman won quite a few, and while we could debate for days on whether it deserved “Worst Screenplay,” winning Worst Screen Combo for Affleck and Cavill is laughable when most people agree they at least did good jobs with what they were given, with Affleck being cited as a plus by most. Affleck and Cavill were also both nominated for worst actor, which they did not win,but the movie did win Worst Remake, Sequel, Rip-Off, or Prequel… in the same year that Fifty Shades of Black, Alice Through the Looking Glass, Zoolander 2, and Independence Day: Resurgence came out. Interestingly, Gal Gadot is not among the nominations… hmm, wonder why that is? It couldn’t be because she’s not an easy target like Affleck is, riggggggghhhhht?

Even looking back to the original Razzie awards in 1981, they nominated Friday the 13th for worst picture as well as the movie I just reviewed, and also named “Suspended in Time” from Xanadu as one of the worst songs of the year, though it didn’t win, likely because this is laughable. This was also the year Stanley Kubrick was nominated for The Shining under worst director. 1983’s awards were no better; Arnold Schwarzenegger was nominated for worst actor… for Conan the Barbarian. The Thing was nominated for WORST MUSICAL SCORE.  

Look, I would love to rant on how much the Razzies suck all day, but let me wrap up with their anniversary awards. Mommie Dearest was named the worst picture of the 80s… up against Howard the Duck, and in a decade Friday the 13th V and Super Monster both came out. In the 90s, Sylvester Stallone was named worst actor of the century… which is… one of the absolute stupidest things I’ve ever heard. And Showgirls won worst picture of the decade, despite the infinitely worse Psycho remake, crappy dino shitfest Carnosaur, and zero-budget lesbian killer movie Girlfriends were all released in the 90s, among many other turds. And finally, we have the worst picture of the 2000s, Battlefield Earth, a film it is baffling I have not reviewed, and a film that came out in the same decade as Chicken Little, Disaster Movie (and Seltzerbergs other works), The Master of Disguise, Eragon, Doogal, The Love Guru, Christmas with the Kranks, The Human Centipede, Crash, Teeth, Hounddog, The Golden Compass, Inkheart, Shark Tale, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Taintlight, and the Yu-Gi-Oh movie.

The Razzies fucking blow. Plain and simple. They’re basically a clickbait institution that chooses the most obvious choices, goes only after what’s big and will generate the most attention, and really makes it obvious that they don’t require the people on the nomination panel to actually watch the movies. Oh yeah. They don’t require the judges to watch the films.

But let’s bring it all back to Xanadu for one final tidbit: the guy who made the Razzies has admitted he occasionally pops in Xanadu to watch it. I think that says a lot about a lot of things. I’ll leave you all with that.

[lashydsdomain]

old troll profile dump

Remied Ravici aka Rem or Rum

8 sweeps (17 human years)

Born without an arm Rem was treated like a lowblood by everyone. Once she was old enough to fend for herself she left and accidentally found a rebel camp. She grew up with the rebels, never gaining a title she was always just called by her name.

Ask about her arm and be prepared for an angry Rem.

Ramathid Reviit

You are a mutant red blood and love being who you are. High or low its all blood to you.

The Frightened or Navori Ravici

Some how when The Silent came to the future so did you. You are Remied’s ancestor and where a pirate back in your time (well you still are but not as easy in this era….) You may seem rude but calling someone you don’t know cannon fodder or some other obscure name is nice of you. You are approximately 323 sweeps old (700 years). The more scared someone is the more fun you have. When met with a mutant however….

You are Elrati’s ancestor and a HUGE FUCKING BITCH. You are getting weaker every time that blasted child trusts someone and you are getting very pissed off. You might just kill her friends soon.

Your name is LAMYNX and you have a very keen taste for flesh. You often sit near the water edge and try to lure trolls into the water for a meal. If you can’t catch anyone you will eat fish but you really prefer troll.

What brings you to my shop hmm? I have no time for idle chatter, though if you would like to buy or attempt to sell me something you are free to try.

Your name is Kikida L. Hiiore and you run a shop somewhere in space from a ship you managed to purchase through your other business back on Alternia that is now abandoned.

You buy all sorts of parts and animal bits and bobs from those who can make it to your shop, though you wont accept just anything, since any pretty little fishy with a ship might just show up with something virtually useless.

Name: Kikida (Kiki) Levida Hiiore

Age: 9.5 sweeps (About 20 years, Birthday on October 18th)

Height: 6'3"

Ancestor: The Euthanasia

Chum Handle: ??

Lusus: Beetle mum

You are called The [rename]. You are called such from your tendency to whore out information and for actually being a whore. If someone gives you a nice old book you will feel the need to repay them and let them do what they will as long as you are not physically or mentally hurt.  People can also pay you for pailing but weather or not you accept is the question.

Your title is The Rufescent. You are a mutant red blood and are god damn proud to show it. You have a few external indications that you are mutant, being the red tips of your horns are the strange redish laceration on your neck which you hatched with.

You are known as The Vehement. And god damn do you have a temper! You only speak threats or with those you truly trust. Don’t touch the boobs. Just. Don’t.

Your name is Luinir. You’re such a god damn geek. Of course you have time to dwell into your movies and obsessions because of being a mutant and look at it as more a gift, you never have to leave hive because your lusus is worried about you getting hurt. You occasionally do go out and when you do you are such a god damn flirt it isn’t even funny. Most of the time. If the person you’re flirting with turns out to be a perverted asshole you might just try to kill them. But hey that’s just a might.

Your name is Kahlua. You have your brother/twin guy who you like to mess with juuuuuust a bit. You fucking LOVE bunnies. Or as you call them, (/BuNN BuNNs\).

You are infact not a girl or a guy and just like to be reffered to with genderless pronouns.

Your name is Sernea. Due to an incident with your eye being stabbed with your other horn you can no longer see out of it. You have a metal arm and everything below your waist to your knees is made entirely out of metal and robotics. You constantly have issues with your grubtop malfunctioning due to interference with your chuckle voodoos.

Your name is Halori and boy are you have some interesting beliefs… You also like to sing to try to guide trolls to be more in touch with themselves and their ancestors spirits.

You are Diisul! The itty bitty child who loves running away from both your mommies and wandering around Alternia. Kil however tends to try to keep an eye on you.

Your name is Bodica. You are a strong Celtic woman who would rather die than let these Romans have their way with your land. Dispite your thin build you are quite strong and ready to kick ass.

[ellana-ravenwood]

“Just play the damn game with me !” - Batmom x Damian

Damian is a brat, but I kinda want to hug him to death...Wait...Oh well, anyway, here’s a little story where Batmom (you) really wants to bond with the kid.

You can find my masterlist here : @ella-ravenwood-archives

_____________________________________________________________________

You had gotten it printed into your brain. It was too late now, you couldn’t forget your idea, no matter what. Bruce knew, and didn’t try to stop you from doing what you were gonna do anyway. Besides, he thought it was cute.

What was your idea ? Simple. Damian never had a normal childhood. He was still a kid, only eleven...So he still had a chance at having somewhat of a normal childhood (if you put his nightly activities on the side...and the fact that he had been raised to be a killer).

Against all odds, you and Damian clicked pretty fast. He warmed up to you the fastest...He felt like you were the only one of the bat family not judging him in any way.  Also, you told him off when he was going to far, and he found that he couldn’t speak badly to you, that you had an effect on him that made him want to be nicer. Better...In a word, you quickly became his mommy.

He never really had an actual mother. Talia wasn’t exactly loving with him, and she did try to kill him a few times, succeeding once (a memory you don’t like to remember). You were the first one, even before Bruce or Dick, to make him feel loved and to make him feel what love really was...How could he resist that ?

The first time he called you “mom”, not “mother”, “mom”, you cried, and the poor boy thought he did something wrong. You explained to him that it was “happy tears”, but you’re not sure he understood. He gave you an awkward hug, and you couldn’t stop but smile. It’s that exact moment that forged the idea of trying to show him what a normal childhood was. But, even though he considered you his mom, he wasn’t going to make things easy for you and your plans.

******************

It started out horribly wrong. Damian refused every single propositions you made with a : “that’s too childish” full of rogue, and you got frustrated, ending up yelling a lot of “just play the damn game with me !” and other “Oh my God it’s a snowball it’s not going to kill you, just throw another snowball at me, not a fucking batarang !”...You felt childish. You quickly realized you weren’t going to help him have a normal childhood by trying to force him to do stuffs, and so you stopped. Instead, decided to lure him in with cake...One day, you made a nice one that smelled too good, and he couldn’t help but come in the kitchen, following the smell to the living room where you were eating it. Next thing he knows, he’s sitting next to you, eating a giant piece of cake, watching a disney movie.

And it ended up being a ritual. Every Saturday morning (”mornings” at the Wayne’s ended at 4pm), you and Damian took the habit of waking up earlier than everyone else to cook a cake or some cookies. You’d then eat it all, just the two of you, in front of a Disney movie. Your youngest NEVER saw one before...he actually never watched any animated movies or cartoons. So obviously, you took it upon yourself to show him of course, and you started with your favorite : (your favorite Disney film).

The first time you did that, Damian didn’t really react. He ate the cake, watched the film...and then just left without a word. You were disappointed, thinking he probably didn't enjoy himself at all, and went back to bed to Bruce’s arms, a bit beat down. Your husband did his best to make you forget and feel better, and he did wonderfully, definitely succeeding.  

However you were wrong thinking Damian didn't enjoy himself, because the next Saturday, he came down in the kitchen to find it empty. He quickly went to your room, where fortunately you and Bruce were just sleeping, and gently woke you up.

-Mom, can we make chocolate chip cookies ? And watch another one of those movies you like ? Please ?

Your heart sunk with happiness, and you left Bruce’s arms, ignoring his groan, to follow your son. This was the first step, spending times with him, enjoying doing something just the two of you. As the Saturdays went on, Damian opened more and more, and stayed at the end of the movie to speak about it with you. At first he was sitting at the opposite side of the couch from you, but week after week, he came closer, until one day, he just laid his head on your shoulder, and let you run your hand tenderly threw his hair.

His favorite Disneys were “Treasure Planet” and “The Lion King”. You were even pretty sure you saw him cry while watching the latter. It made you smile, and at the same time, you realized those movies being his favorite made sense. Both were about boys with daddy issues who were rebels and got in trouble until they did their best to get better.

*******************

-You’re cute.

Bruce was looking at you lovingly, leaning on the door frame of the bathroom, arms crossed, while you were rushing to put some clothes on.You just glared at him, the man made you late. He wasn’t suppose to come home that early, and while you were getting ready for an important appointment, he arrived in your shared bedroom where you were in underwear, getting dressed...and he had been unable to stop himself from jumping on you. Making you rush now to try and not be late.

-You’re very cute.

-Shut up Bruce, and out of my way, I gotta go.

You grabbed your purse and ran out...Tried to ran out, as he caught one of your wrist.

-Bruce I have to...

He crashed his lips on yours, pulling you into a passionate French kiss. After a few seconds, he let go off you, and you couldn’t help but smile.

-Thank you Y/N. Really. You don’t have to do all of that and yet...Thank you.

-Don’t thank me babe, because I do have to do all of that. He’s my son too now. I did that with all of them...granted, Damian is a bit more difficult.

He pulled you in for another kiss but you escaped, because you really were going to be late if he kept going on like this. As you ran out of the room, he called back to you :

-I love you !

He heard your faint voice from down the corridor answering with a heartfelt :

-I love you too.

And you were out of the house.

**********************

-You’re late.

-I know, I’m sorry Dami’. Blame your father.

-...Ew.

-...Hum...Shall we go ?

He nodded and, hands in his pocket, followed you, a bit grumpy that he had to wait for you. He hated waiting. But you decided that maybe it wasn’t so bad for him to learn to be more patient.

Today, you were suppose to pick him up right after school to go at the fun fair, but Bruce made you almost an hour late. To be honest, you didn’t realize it was that late, too...caught up in your Bruce’s arms. You definitely made amend though.

Damian would never admit it, but he spent one of the best evening ever. He won a gigantic teddy bear for you at some dart games, and you guys went on absolutely all of the rides with only one minor incident. When you went to the haunted mansion, Damian kinda...punched one of the actor in the face, out of reflexes. You paid him off to shut up, and scolded your son for his behavior (when really it was kinda funny, the scream he let out just before punching the man). You bought him every treats he wanted, totally spoiling him but hey...it was his first fun fair. It was one of his first time actually just having fun for the sake of it, in a normal place for a kid to have fun, and not because he was fighting or something. Bruce gave him a night off, and both of you didn't even notice the bat signal as you were having just the time of your life.

You came home late to an almost empty mansion. Alfred was there, and he made you some hot cocoa. You watched a pixar film and fell asleep on the couch, Damian’s head resting in your laps.

When Bruce and the other boys came home, they stopped to stare at you guys, because you were too damn cute. Dick smiled and said :

-It reminds me of when I first arrived here...Snacks and Disney movies...I kinda miss those times. Sometimes, I wish I could be a kid again.

Jason gave him a pat on the back.

-Yeah, it was pretty awesome alright.

Tim was also feeling a bit nostalgic, but didn’t say anything by fear of waking you guys up. As Bruce bent down to pick Damian up, he woke up.

-Father.

-Hey bud’.

-Mom and I had a great time at the fair.

He was sleepy, and his voice was weak.

-Did you, now ?

-Yeah, she’s awesome.

-That we agree on son, she is.

He took him to bed, and surprisingly, Damian let him tuck him in. He fell back asleep almost instantly. Bruce then went back to pick YOU up, and found you awake, talking with your eldest sons.

-You know guys, if you miss it that much, you can just join us on Saturdays. It could be cool.

-Naaah mom, those times are for you and the brat. I mean, it wouldn’t be fair otherwise. We all had you saving our childhood, he should too.

You smiled at Jason who just spoke, and stroked his cheek gently.

-I just don’t want you guys to feel left out.

-We really don’t, believe me. Besides, we all had the same thing ? Good old...hum...young mom taking us to the fair, watching movies with us...just with one of us, each times. Quality times equally shared. We all had you, and we can definitely share a little more with Dams, really.

You stroked Tim’s cheek now. Smiling lovingly at him. It was true that what you were doing with Damian, you did with all of them. They all needed a “somewhat normal childhood”...You were a mom, you gave it to them as best you could.

-I don’t have anything to say, but can I have my mom’s pat on the cheek too ?

Dick said as he bent down in front of you. You all laughed and after a kiss goodnight, they left to go for a deep slumber in their bedroom.

Bruce approached you, and you raised your arms for him to come crash into it. You liked feeling his weight on you, even though he was a heavy man because of all those damn muscles. It felt secure.

He laid his head on your chest, and you gently ran your hand threw his hair. He gave a pleased sigh, completely relax.

-Again, thank you honey.

-And again, there’s not reasons to thank me.

-Yes there is. I don’t know if you get how important you are to all members of this family. You all gave us a purpose. You’re...You’re the reason we don’t all go crazy. You makes us feel you know...So much feels...

You didn’t answer, just smiled and kiss the crown of his head, gently caressing his hair, just like you did with Damian. It seemed like this gesture was extremely soothing to the Wayne boys. You both fell asleep on the couch, and the next day, which was a Saturday, Damian woke you up. Bruce groaned as he stood up to leave, but his son awkwardly held his hand, signifying to him that he wanted him to stay. Your husband was so surprised he just flopped down back into the couch, and stayed silent staring blankly at the TV that was turned off while you and Damian baked.

And so, from now on, Bruce participated in your special Saturdays.

Actually, from now on Bruce got very involved in trying to get Damian to live a normal childhood, realizing how it started to slowly change his son’s behavior for the best. And realizing the amount of effort you put in it. He was amazed at Damian’s response really, how he laughed more often, and pulled (harmless) pranks on his brothers, Alfred and on Bruce himself. How he was less violent, and a bit less serious. It was definitely the Y/N’s effect. You had the same on him. When you weren’t there, he was all serious and broody, almost mean, and when you were around, he couldn’t help but smile stupidly and laugh at your dumb jokes. The Y/N’s effect was strong.

*****************

It took a long time for Damian to finally let go and start to act like a normal child, but he made it. You helped him tremendously. Bruce and your other sons did too. Dick taught him how to ride a bike, Jason took him to the cinema often, Tim played soccer with him. Bruce was particularly involved with everything, as he realized the importance of it all. He wished he had had a Y/N in his life when he was a kid, as he too didn’t really enjoy his childhood after his parents’ death...but he at least got 8 great years, and he was determined to let Damian have his 8 great years too. 10 to 18. A bit more if he wanted.

Family game night was a thing now, and when he lost, Damian almost completely stopped throwing a (scary) tantrum. You all spent more times together as a result of all of those effort to get Damian to live a bit more normally, and it was so worth it.

You were so proud. Of course, it didn’t completely change his behavior and such, as his time with the Al Ghul was almost printed into his brain, but it really helped him be more social. It helped him learn how to love, and how to feel more. It just helped him, and one day, when he’d be old enough to realize all of that, he’d thank you with a warm hug and “happy tears” in his eyes, finally understanding. And you’d tell him that there was nothing to thank. He was your son, what you were doing was normal.

FIN.