#ALSO I WAS very SAD IN JANUARY AND NOW IM NOT THAT SAD ANYMORE

[dandiacal]

i finished gideon the ninth in january and now i spend six hours a week listening to harrow the ninth while working in the library jacketing books ✅✅✅

i got the most wonderful picture distilled into my mind of harrow and ianthe in that frilly boudoir place of ianthes. and i was just blown away. what a pleasure. what paradise is my life that i get to hear about this. theyre arguably BOTH evil, theyre opposing forms of glamour, theyre gross, they INVENTED the concept of attraction in repulsion, and meanwhile theres profligate amounts of textiles everywhere and oil paintings on the wall and ianthe is wearing a nightgown so complicated and fancy it is completely unflattering.... I WAS BORN TO HEAR IT!!!!

let it be known, also, that in the most fascinating twist of fate ianthe shares many physical traits and also her sanguinary and disgusting turn of mind with my intimate friend. i look like harrow, am often paranoid, decently sadistic, and by all accounts have a lovely somber aura (my friend told me i remind her of the historical women wailing for their children who died of the plague, except "i like it" [did she mean children dying of the plague? mourning? or the overall lugubrious tang of that little scene?}}) . anyway both of us are very nice people and completely original so the resemblance can only go so far but im struck! i didnt ever IMAGINE two people who look like that had been written drawn or pictured together even. yet here we are, and there they are!

it is so sad how harrow is being stripped of her grandeur on this stupid ship. give her back her sweeping robes now!!!!!!! for her much lamented SANITYs sake!!!!!! and her PAINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when ianthe says and i paraphrase: yes theres more soup. i made it, its vile. it really encapsulates everyhting there is to know in the world

i'm a little less than half-finished but so i suppose there's time to develop this, but i'm confused about what it does for the story for john to be so banal. it reminds me of the may i call it cliche of people getting to heaven and its just cubicles. once upon a time this was subversive, but now weve seen it 10000 times and it ISNT anymore so one must ask "whats its narrative significance ?' there's a little bit of harrow examining her preconceptions of God vs the real man and incidents like her being shaken by ianthe "blaspheming,"" but for someone who is quite opinionated and whose whole life revolves around religious devotion i would expect much to be made of a revolt between the somber respect and grand awfulness she is so careful to do religion with (and relishes!) and the tired everyman aspect of the real guy. obviously most of her devotion was going to the tomb, not God, but still! maybe its coming. or maybe theres some thematic richness in there i cant see

[cupboardgods]

I'm reading Les Mis for the first time and having the time of my life. Those are my guys!!! And I get to hear about them in excessive detail via a 65 hour long audio book? Literally incredible.

Im travelling 3/4 weeks of this month, and I'm supposed to see the show in June (at the Kennedy Center...fuck), so it was the perfect time to start. If I didn't get motion sick, and if the book wasn't so ungodly huge, I would gladly have bought a physical copy to read AND annotate.

I know the musical is soooo abridged, but I've listened to it so many times that I can (and have) talk about it for hours on end. Mostly about themes. I know the show is corny and heavy-handed, but i love it dearly.

Im not very far along in the book, but I'm so impressed with the writing. Some of the lines made me pause and take notes. Valjean's memories of prison made me a little weepy.

Idk if i would enjoy this book so much if I wasn't such a big fan of the musical, but fortunately for me I care soooo much about these characters and the writing is sooo good that I can already see myself reading this multiple times.

More embarrassing thoughts/stupid shit under the cut

--

Ok uhhh so I mentioned back in December/January that I started reading Valvert fanfiction out of curiosity/as a joke

Brother I don't think it's a joke anymore.

Steve started it. He said some funny shit about how it was such an impossible ship (in the musical canon, for sure) and we tried to come up with scenarios in which a physical or romantic relationship could be plausible.

I wouldn't say I ship them but I will say I have read some fantastic (and very long) fics. And those are what got me interested in the book. I want MORE.

But also, I have to say something....

One of the things Steve and I agreed on (re: valvert) was that Valjean was a virgin. Likely asexual too. We just could not imagine this man having sex at any point in his life.

And then I picked up fanfiction, and people agreed with me??!! The book fans agreed with me!?! Sooo many fics where both men, aged 50-70, are untouched and inexperienced. I might have called Valjwan a virgin as a joke but I didn't realize this was what everyone else thought too.

The evidence: Valjean is a loner. He's in hiding. He was branded in prison. His body betrays the truth. He is not a gentleman, but a man of low birth sentenced to 2 decades of hard labor. He is deeply self hating and a paranoid overthinker. His life is so hard that he spares little energy on joy or himself. And Javert is the most repressed man on the planet. Nobody touching that.

ANYWAY now I'm a few hours into the audiobook, and by God, it's fucking canon. At least by age 46, Valjean is a virgin. (Tbh I can't rule out assault in prison but it hasn't come up explicitly).

The evidence: grew up poor and unremarkable, and had no sweetheart in his youth. Became the surrogate father of his sister's children when he was only 25, went to jail not long after. And then there was this line about how nobody had ever touched him without the intent to hurt, not even his parents who died when he was young.

I can't believe I was right about this one stupid thing but oh my god this shit is sad (duh).

Anyway let me go back to contemplating the important things, like religion, law, corruption, and the javert's confused boner tag on ao3.

[pepprs]

hi everyone! i hope january has been kind to you and that february will be even kinder. just a few quick updates:

i haven’t remade yet and honestly im thinking that i’m not going to (so if you reached out for my new url please know im not ignoring you!). ive opened the app and lurked a little from time to time but honestly not posting / generally staying away from tumblr and other social media has definitely made a noticeable difference w my mental health. i am still very much struggling w depression but spending majority of my time touching grass has genuinely helped a lot 🥲 i still have a LOT of recovery to do but ithink im in a much better place now than i was when i made that post last month and im (nervously) hopeful that i’ll never be in a headspace that dark again. as much as i miss it here and am sad to not be as in touch w my mutuals anymore, i really think it’s the best choice for me right now. but im still “here” and i may drop in from time to time to say hi just like im doing rn!

also i have a VERY exciting update i want to share: im finally moving out!!!!!!! into my own apartment!!!!!! in less than a month!!!!!!!!! im SO excited and scared and stressed and relieved and proud of myself. and even though im stepping away from tumblr for the foreseeable future and took this huge step without talking about it here, i truly couldn’t have done this w/o all of the encouragement and comfort so many of you have given me over the years when i needed it most. it feels overdramatic / cringe / etc to say in part bc it was an unhealthy coping mechanism for me to share it all and seek relief in the way i did, but im truly so grateful to everyone who has borne witness to the some of the hardest and most formative moments along my journey. it hasn’t been an easy path at all but it has really, truly eased the hardship of it to know im not alone and there are ppl who have been through / are going through similar things. thank you for helping to light my way 💗 im considering starting a tinyletter / substack / etc (basically an email newsletter / blog) focused on what i will (hopefully) be learning and discovering as i build this new life for myself, so if you’re interested in that please send me an ask! again, im not sure if im actually going to do it… but just like w potentially making a new tumblr someday, i’ll send a link to anyone who’s interested if and when i do decide to go for it 🥹

that’s all for now! im wishing each of you a fabulous february 🫂❣️🐈☕️

[carcin0-8]

2024 wrapped idk

january: um good i think made friends it was chill i donr rlly remember

february: forceful bi awakening 4 the second time (crushing on very very very str8 bestie) other than that still very very chill made more friends yippee!!

march: um everythign was downhill from there started doing not very good healthy coping mechanisms :((( still close with friends

april: good fun readinf webtoons and watching terrible movies and good friends very fun very healthy but decided st8 friend was not 4 me and started liking other friend which was not fun :(( also started therapy i think??

may: v good acguLly!! homestuck and other humorous stuff idotn remember and still good friends was very fun very chill

june: very whimsy until jissapointment the second struck :(( not fun not cool but we perservere 💔💔💔 last day of school was whimsy until it wasnt and everythign went downhill

july: good good very good much camp and many camp friends and also weird guy asking if im a lesbian but that was funny very chill

august: more camp which was very fun and even more camp but also weird situation with this guy from camp idk it was strange and lowkey icky looking back on it :((( hetero era was not very whimsy

september: back 2 school sucked ass :(( buncha rlly good teachers left the school and it was very sad 💔

october: SPOOKY SEASON WAS MAJOR FUN except 4 all the school tours and auditions and stuff that was not major fun but halloween was also very very way sigma

november: not so good :(( started talking 2 a lot of friendses less and maybe started bad coping again :((( novemeber was not fun nty

december: stopped bad copign 4 now yay :))) lazy ass month but was super fun OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL ONLY school sucks ass and i cant wait to get out of my school so bad :(( pining over another individual but its not in my heterosexual era anymore tehehe 💗💗

overall year r8ing: 5/10 half whimsy half dissapoitnment :(( hope next year is major better 💞

um moots please appear at my doorstep at ur earliest convenicen ty gn ily

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

also this is maybe probably too personal to share but idrc , next year (starting in january) im gonna be living in japan for 4 months Lol im from the us and have never been there so i’m very excited!! :3 and im not even sad abt leaving anymore… get me the HELL out of here!!!! cant wait to ditch everything here‼️ irls have been acting up too much lately idc idc i was sad and Wistful for like a second there but now i’m glad i get the chance to show them how much i don’t need them . what’s that one richard siken poem… someone always has to leave first. and it will ALWAYS be ME!!!!!!!❤️

[gordonghatestrolls]

Leave Spinks and the ttte community alone you Muppet! I won't stop until your reign of terror is done and that is a promise.

Panastri, who is bakakopter on discord is defending both a pedophile (crinklysprinkly and fellow defender/supporter/enabler/best friend of another pedophile - Haru. He’s sex chatted with minors, and posts extremely sexual art on patreon)

These are the people she supports -

It’s funny, because panastri was once in Nirmal’s discord. She knows deep down that Nirmal did nothing wrong, and yet lies about her. She even told Nirmal and others how she was afraid to be alone with her father. She asked Nirmal for dating advice, which Nirmal was uncomfortable about.

She can't say much anyways, she's being inappropriate with minors herself, so she's the pedophile not us.

Oh here we go with the being inappropriate with minors shtick.

Your friends Haru and Crinklysprinkly have done far worse than the out of context attempts at proof you make. And it’s the same shit repeated over and over.

When will this END??

WHEN WILL THAT BITCH SHUT THAT HOLE IN HER FACE CALLED MOUTH??

You really need a mirror for when you ask yourself these things. One that you don’t break, at least. Maybe it’ll end when you fuckers realise what you are really doing, and stop doing that….but…you wont.

then she says that *WE* are the ones who are messing with an older person. Who the fuck does she thinks she is?

Someone who is laughing at young adults who bitch about her, but who keep drama going. If they didn’t care, they wouldn’t be investing so much time and energy into their harassment.

Oof yea she's a pathetic woman,anyway your art slays

amazing how after being called out on her behavior once months ago she's still crying about "narc abuse" and being "harassed by pedophiles"

. meanwhile I who was sent slurs and threats by her refuse to take part in any more of her perversions. and she wonders why nobody wants to take her side besides her and her friend (which I doubt exists)

Nirmal never wanted you to take part in anything. Just keep defending the actual pedophiles Haru and Crinklysprinkly.

ohmylordprimus said: She was yammerin about me...idek what a blue can of beans or a polite lurker is

As I was told by several people on tumblr, and by those used to be in their discord, until they were banned several months ago - this person goes by mystic.joob. They are a close friend of the pedophile Haru. They and Haru allowed several convicted pedophiles into their discord and sex chat with minors.

Granted, l've never even interacted with them at all??? The only thing we previously disagreed on was about sharing the posts for aid?? Wooooow

You favourited posts harassing Nirmal. You also made comments on a blog about her. Don’t act innocent now. We have the screenshots.

That list she made accising us of being predators is fucking laughable. I guess I'm a pedo for drawing humanized engines! Lmfao.

No, you are a supporter of a pedophile, and you are happy to spread lies.

ALSO HERES THE LIST THAT NIRMAL MADE CALLING EVERYONE/EVERY POPULAR

TTTEBLR BLOG A PEDOPHILE

Actually, it was every blog who harassed Nirmal, and blogged about her, reblogged, favved those blogs, or who decided to believe the liars and actual pedophiles. These people are or were supporters of the pedophiles Haru and Erin, and help to perpetuate the lies against Nirmal.

It's the way I'm plastered on this new account and these "callouts" left and right but I haven't been active in this fandom or on this blog since JANUARY 😭

As much as I'd love to verbally obliterate this woman yet again, I don't plan on getting involved with any of her drama anymore. She lives and breathes for this attention and needs professional help, because none of this is healthy. Honestly it's very sad to me that she's in this state, even though she's a vile person and harms whatever she gets her grasp on. This is absolutely not normal, and as awful as she's been to me, I do hope she can one day get the help she very desperately needs and learns from the many MANY mistakes she's made in this fandom.

I do highly recommend we as a community collectively block and move on from this woman whenever she inevitably pops up again. It's obvious she's doing this for attention, no matter the type, and it's not good for her or us to constantly play cat and mouse when she comes back to attempt to slander the fandom.

Unless this leaves the fandom or bleeds into irl stuff, I'm staying out of it and just blocking and moving on. Sorry if anyone wanted "Renny Roast 2: electric boogaloo" though LOL

Oh it’s this egomaniac again. Yawn. So full of her own attention, and Nirmal ruined her. This southern fried dog shit claimed Nirmal didn’t have a college degree, and was rotting in her basement. lol.

See, here’s the thing. They will claim they will block her and move on, because they don’t want the drama -

BUT -

1. things were quiet until crinklysprinkly posted again on twitter.

2. They will claim they want things to be quiet, but they don’t really. They will keep the drabs going until they find a way to silence their victim, Nirmal.

They claim they hate drama, they want it to stop - so they look like the hero.

Narcissists will tell you that they hate drama, but you'll learn that they are masters at creating it and blaming others.

https://smallbiztechnology.com/archive/2025/02/dan-things-narcissists-say-and-do-that-seem-charming-at-first-but-are-actually-quite-toxic.html/#:~:text=The%20people%20who%20loudly%20claim,conversation%20that%20holds%20them%20accountable.

Could someone list the bad things Nirmal has done? Preferably with screenshots of proof.

I'm going to ban/pre-ban them...

Oh here we go with the same drivel they repeat all the time. Like this isn’t repetitive.

Also, this comment was made by ‘daisywithnomakeup’ aka .reserves. on discord. The same people who told me about lord primus had also told me about this user as well. Unfortunately, they were banned months ago, but receive info from others who have a long history with this group. Daisywithnomakeup is another mod in Harus discord who allowed pedophiles to sex chat with minors, as well as Haru himself. Haru sex chatted to the minors who provided this information.

A user can not be banned if not cached by the client. You cannot "pre-ban" a user from a server which is the entire point of this request.

Also -

It’s funny how they can never figure out exactly what people they claim Nirmal has ‘targeted/groomed.’ They constantly call her a pedophile, just because others falsely accused her of it. She has plenty of proof to the contrary on them. They will continue to use this lie, as long as it attracts people to alienate her.

When Nirmal joked about bill and Ben, she meant twins in that they were two engines of the same class/build. She was NOT referring to human twins. The comment was taken out of context in an effort to slander her.

(Also, most people in the list who are adults are friends with minors.

Now, let’s play a game. Let’s see how many of these statements match or are similar to the following ones:

[renewingagain]

monday 22 january 2024 // 7:11pm

feeling a little sorry for myself today but equally it is lowkey kinda my fault still lol

i received a job rejection which again would have been a perfect way for me to start a new career. it was what i wanted to go into and it was based in reading/london which would have been perfect for me to move to massi's and start my new life there

i suppose i still can just move down there come may, but i feel awkward about moving there without a job. it feels disappointing to my parents, and i dont want to burden massi

i mean yeah to be honest i didn't prep for the interview at all until the day - i was just so nervous as i find interviews quite daunting - especially civil service interviews, they are so tricky to navigate and this one i didn't pass at all. probably should have dedicated more time to it

anyway.., yes its a bit gutting to be rejected BUT it happens in life! if i was giving someone else advice in a similar situation, i would encourage them to just keep trying again. better your skills, take on feedback, yes it is a GRAFT, but (most) successful people just have to graft, it is the way life is if you wanna make it in the world. you can't allow rejection to tear you down, you've got to just chin up and carry on. there is a period of mourning, a period of sadness, a period of feeling sorrow. then comes a period of fixing yourself, a period of trying again, a period of progess, advancement, bettering yourself. the sorrow should only be for a period, ideally a small period. it is fine to be sorrowful but this will not cause change to occur

today i was in management training and we learned about emotional intelligence. we were taught that all emotions are positive. the sorrow i am feeling right now is now causing me to reflect (hence, journalling) and work out next steps, this is actually positive. allow your (bad) emotions to be the drive for change, don't just sit in them forever. disappointment is fine, it happens, we are only human, but reframe this disappointment to work for your good

think of the pain scenario: if you don't feel pain (eg, someone pinches you) then you will never know that anything is actually wrong. this anxiety you are feeling in your mind and your body is because your body wants and needs change, it is not happy where it is. try to use it as a driver to change. i would want the drive to be that i just don't want to feel anxiety anymore because it is tiring lol.

this isn't to say i'm doing terribly, generally i am actually quite well. there are good things still happening in life. i did a solo gig as a support slot for my friends band last weekend which i was very nervous about, but i owned it and it appeared to be well-received. im enjoying friends and being alive

anyway

we also come back to this old adage of how im going to choose to spend my time this year. i am very tired of using my phone, it is wasting my time a bit too much when i have many things to do

we also learned today in the management training about time management. my phone is a huge waste of my time, it is not the priority i want right now. i have a lot to do! more gigs to learn songs for, more CV work to do

i need to really sort my priorities out again

working out

looooool! ok, it is far too cold to be running right now, i cant face myself to do that. but i can still start doing my pullups every day again, and do some resistance band training too. that is all indoors and is at least constituting some form of exercise

i need to look at my to-do list and really just prioritise a few things, other things may have to wait. if i have to forego music stuff then i will. but i think i can do it all. i need to set aside time-slots of tasks i need to accomplish per day. and not use my phone while i'm doing things so i can just get shit done

chin up g, things will work out for you. i won't be stuck here forever, i refuse to be stuck this year. 2024 will be even better than 2023

if i dont find a decent job in london, the contingency plan is to just study and get qualified :) full time, this i can do in 3 months ! thats not too bad right? im sure i can find a pay monthly course to help me afford it if i really need to. it is an investment, and it will work out. london will be heaving with jobs once i get qualified in something

[intergalactic-chameleon]

gender stuff once again

SOOO ive finally come full circle and am now considering hypothetically one day getting top surgery (if not just breast reduction) and maybe also going on T at some point.

literally about a year ago when i was discussing gender with my roommate at the time, she asked me if i would consider getting top surgery after i told her that i was going to get a binder just to “try it out” and see “how it feels.”

i thought abt it, but told her “no, not really” because my boobs had never rly bothered me before and they made me feel “more like an adult” (im really short and tiny and would occasionally get mistaken for being a teenager rather than someone in their twenties, so my boobs were often the one age indicator for people). besides, they also made me feel attractive - i had long, wavy hair and taking topless photos of myself was a hobby of mine because i just looked fucking good. ultimately, my tits, which have always been somewhat disproportionally big (i think im a 34D), helped feel me more feminine and sensual as i grew up. though i definitely had a hard time trying to find cute tops that fit me and give me enough support sans bra, i still built a good wardrobe of interesting feminine clothing that i really enjoyed.

but despite all of this, i still wanted to try out something different. at the time last year, i had only just begun to think about being more transgressive with my gender presentation. i had realized that i wanted a shorter, boyish haircut (specifically to look like steve harrington) and kind of started to wear less feminine clothing overall. i also was discovering how attracted i was to men in an undeniably queer (ie. faggy) way, which further propelled me to explore masculine identity even more.

anyway, i was prolonging ‘the big chop’ until after my sister’s october wedding, so i began to grow my facial hair out in order to grow more comfortable with gender non conformity. and to my surprise, my mustache became very noticeable and at some point i realized that i could genuinely grow a little baby chin beard. ofc, by the time of the wedding, i shaved all that off, but went right back to growing it out.

then, the big day: i got my first ever short cut in january. it was shorter than i was expecting, but i immediately felt something shift. i started to feel a lot more confident and got tons of affirming compliments from loved ones about how well it fit me. i also finally felt comfortable enough to dress more “masculinely” and my facial hair didnt make me feel ratty and unkempt anymore; it just fit.

in the coming months i continued to feel more confident and expressed myself more openly around my peers. additionally, a lot of my trans peers started identifying me as trans (which was honestly very validating because i kinda felt like i couldnt loudly identify as trans unless other ppl saw me that way). thus, ever since i’ve been thinking about myself as a trans person and continuing to develop my identity around that.

however, now that ive been actively presenting more masculine/andro for about 6 months now, ive now run into several things about my appearance that i kinda struggle with, such as my height, my shoulder width, my small little arms, fussing with my hair, and of course, my chest. and so i now have this conundrum where im not necessarily experiencing intense gender dysphoria that leaves me feeling depressed, but i have this voice in my head that’s just like “hm, yknow, it’d be nice to maybe not have my tits” bc i’d really like to show off my chest / torso but my tits are so big that it’s distracting !!! and if im binding then i cant rly show off anyway…

so tl;dr: my tits dont make me hate myself but they’re getting on my nerves bc i feel like i’d be hotter without them but that doesnt feel like a good enough reason to gather all the resources needed to obtain a reduction/removal !!!! i also get sad thinking abt how pretty n feminine i used to look and how getting my tits altered (and/or if i went on a low dose of T) would make it hard for me to “return” to how i used to look … idk. how do i find out what i truly want for myself….

[charawara]

gehehehe. i think you all know what im obsessed with 🩷

guys i really do love her so much. i still remember the exact day and time i listened to it too it was january 20th 2024 at around 4:30 am and I REGRET NOT BEING AT THE PREMIERE SO BADDD... 😥 im still so sad about it like uggjgh WHY COUKDNT I BE TJERE??? i remember at first i was terrified of becoming like her but over time the song became a comfort for me because at the time i was in a relationshio that slowly became somewhat unhealthy due to my jealous tendencies, it comforted me all the way up until we went our separate ways and itll ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart for that. i love how the song itself sounds, i have kind of overlistened to it so it doesnt hit AS hard anymore but i adore the instrumental, everything. the lower chords are so amazing, i love the glitchy piano in the background too and the chords right before the chorus are amazing. i wish they were easier to hear, i love them. i find the glitchy vocals very satisfying to listen to aswell, and everytime i hear her voice i explode /pos i also have noticed some symbolism in the mv (i really like the mv. shes so pretty and i love watching it.) like how her hands shake, but shake more over time, or how theres lace in the corners (white lace i think), and how white lace symbolizes innocence which is what shes trying to be. i also like jow at the end theres a sunburst effect in the background (the stripes. youll knwo what im talking about if you watch it) which kind of puts thw focus on her and like. she wants the focus to be on her do you know what i mean? the slightly messy strands of hair too, theyre hard to see but theyre there. like i have noticed every little detail Ever its insane. i love the subtle changes in her facial expression too, and the way her collar makes her heart hands look like they have fangs too,, its all so fun to look at. i love how the lyrics can be taken multiple different ways, it could be a metaphor for her isolating the object of her affection ("plunge in the knife, consume this body" as a metaphor for her getting certain people away from her love) or it could be taken literally, as her killing/harming people. genuinely miss miseryguts means so much to me, i love her and the song dearly and hold it close to my heart. i dont find enjoyment out of many things, nor do i really do much in life, but this has given me a reason to keep going. the support ive gotten from everyone for selfshipping with her, even the dumb jokes about how much i like her, it actually makes me really happy. i was in denial that i even selfshipped with her for months because i was terrified of getting attacked, and yet i come out about it and all i recieve is support (even from RIP themselves to some extent, what made me go public abojt being a yume of her in the first place was me asking them on twitter if it was okay to selfship with her and they said YES. IT MADE MY QHOLE DAY. NY WHOLE WEEK MY WHOLE YEAR MY WHOLE LIFEEE.) i cannot emphasize enough how many nights i spent overcome with jealousy (because my ex was calling her friends while calling me or something and when) my stomach hurting because i was so upset, how much thus song comforted me. i remember pacing around my room listening to it those nights until i felt good enough to try talking again. this will never NOT be my favorite song, the character i love the most, i find so much comfort in it its insane. my selfship with her has brought me to be more productive too. i never thought i would write fanfiction, i never thought i would doodle as much as i do now, but guess what im doing now?? its so fun to make up lore of us together i honestly love it.. i love her ｡°(°.◜ᯅ◝°)°｡ my biggest fear is losing her in the sense that this fixation and attachment go away. i cant imagine not wanting to hug the pillow i have of her or not wanting to listen to the song or waking up and not smiling when i see the insane amount of pictures of her i have on my wall. even my PARENTS know about it, my mom teases me about her all the time and my dad walked into my room, saw my shrine and audibly said "What the fuck

oops paragraoh limit ANYWAYS my dad also looked up the lyrics and called it "essentially a breakup song" i..i think it might be a little more than that...idk though GAHAHA. i genuinely havent felt so in love with and attached to a character in so long, i really feel dedicated to her and love her dearly...sorry im mentally ill...gulp. speaking of that, one thing i dont like about this is how upset i get when i see people say gross things about her or ship other characters with her. its like a weird pit in my stomach forms and i get angry or upset like, "that should be ME" or "why would you look at my girlfriend in that way?!?!? you disgust me!" (sidenote. do not scroll to the very bottom of the miss miseryguts comment section on youtube. youre going to see gross creeps asking how old she is or sexualizing her it made me SO MAD.) its difficult but my friends always reassure me..i feel a little delusional but whatever. i find comfort in her and the hypothetical mutually obsessive toxic relationship we would have if she was real. i love her sosomuch really oh ny god. she looks like she would give the best hugs. i feel like she would struggle feeling empathy for me but would try to help me anyways. ive yapped about my headcanons here before havent i...

okay ive been typing for like. deadass fifteen minutes i think..?? ILL STOP NOW AAAHHH okay go my moots ur turn @vanillaaaaaaaaa3 @kai-akii @artemisthelandmine @toxetta UHH IDK WHO ELSE TO TAG ANYONE DO THIS IDK!!!!! bye now

tag game!! ^q^

how it works: get tagged. yap about current obsessions.

i'll go first!! >_<

okay so uhhh.. yi xi!!! i love her voice, her fan designs.. aghhh i love her

i also really like the train bitch (choo choo) and project on her sm... ( 〃▽〃) she is on SO MUCH MATH WORK ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY

last off... teeptum (tptm)!!! it's weird, i'm uncomfortable with myself recovering, but seeing these girls — whether i relate to them or not — overcome their struggles (^-^; maybe it's just nice to have hope... OH ALSO DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HOW WELL WRITTEN EACH GIRL IS!!! ITS GENUINELY SO GOOD. I UNDERSTAND WHY SO MANY PEOPLE RELATE TO AT LEAST ONE GIRL. (personally i relate to tahira (splitter) and nora (caliber) but also some elements of freyja (faneint)

TAGS!! @charawara (go ahead. yap about the blue mouthed freak) @lordofthealfies (go ahead. yap about lotf) @fishtheflowerchomper @luckyloser6 @wkfn14kt829j2nq @toothandfeather @fearofajmetalalbum @madilynlovesbsdfr

[ehnoshima]

i know it isnt the end of the year so im maybe jumping the gun on comparing art from the beginning of the year but im just Very Happy. The left pic is from january and i remember having my new years resolution be to do more painterly detailed drawings. and the right pic is from this month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so happy with this progress i just wanted 2 share it <3

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

woke up and cried. dont really know where that was coming from inside of me so just saying i was Feeling Sad. actually Got up 2 hours later and made my bed, vacuumed and moved laundry around so now my floor is clear and not gross. was supposed to clean my whole room on tuesday but obviously Didnt do that.

have been looking at this grief healing discussion group (🤨) none of those people have any hope lol. which is both for the best and also soul crushing. it kind of sucks to see so many people not understand their situation bc it makes me feel really alone because i feel like i do understand and i dont hold any anger toward my situation like they do. just a lot of sadness and anxiety. the future feels so bleak. i know i'll have me. i know i have my whole life, i know i can manage by myself, i don't need anyone. and i've known that for a long time. but theres needing and wanting. and needing and choosing. and i was always choosing 😥

ppl talking about..when sm1 leaves ur Life and u get to have 'ur life back' i don't feel that way. i never felt my life was swallowed up :( i still pursued all my hobbies & spent time w friends, albeit less bc work & school & routine & also being older and friendships being harder. but now i just feel like. i have so much to talk about, and the person who listened can't hear anymore. and it's okay, because i can talk to other people. but just makes me sad.

mostly im okay right now. still in a weird phase i think & i'll start to feel really really devastated once it sinks in more. i keep thinking is it wrong to hold onto a little hope? i don't know 😖 because i can't know how one person will feel in time. and things could very well change. i was thinking earlier about how weird it is to not be thinking to myself that i should've been more loving, or i should've said this, or said that, or there were so many things i didn't get to do to show love, because really i gave my all, no love was not freely given. and that's kind of relieving, to not have that heavy weight of Wishing i'd loved more hanging over me?

i think one of the only things i regret is thinking i had more time to spend w his family/best friend and we talked abt tht before how i felt bad or felt like i hadn't tried enough :( n it makes me sad bc it was important to me that i was present in his life that way. i had smthing planned since january and idk if i can do it anymore.

some positives are as mentioned ^ cleaned my room a little bit, ive been trying to get into stardew again (failing) and downloaded photoshop for my sims blog Which im starting over lol. also TRYING to figure out how to get into therapy as an adult and not a kid whos mommy can sort it out LOL. i think id need to go private LORD.

wondering if i should start a secondary blog to put out everything i feel on So i can get the sense that people are still seeing me & hearing me without Feeling like im vomiting up all my feelings publicly for validation.. not that i dont want to express how i feel to people who know me but just that it feels shameful sometimes especially when i Talk about it so much. Most healthy coping mechanism i have is talking about how i feel all the time lol.

[asbestieos]

we used to be friends, way before, and like, wow, youve gone so far, proud of you

🥹🥹🥹 oh my goodness!! anon if youre who i think you are (i am somewhat confident in my silly hunch), im so happy to know youre still out there even if we dont talk anymore!!! admittedly i have the most terrible memory ever so i barely remember much of our time together (i wish i remembered more!! but as is, i cant even remember the last time i showered lmfao) but since its been such a long time, i hope its ok if i give you a Riley Life Update of the past.. two, three years? <- it feels like it has been longer than that 😭😭

2020!! i graduated!! i enrolled in school! i girlslayed hard! however due to World Events, i cant go to school in person and am relegated to online classes in my room </3 unfortunately im also in the deepest depths of my genshin phase and ran both my own And denver’s acc. sometimes i paid for her acc’s battlepass too it was bad DBDKBFJ

2021! girlslaying starting to fail from burnout and severe depression from being shut in! i passed my first semester exams with flying colors! i failed all but one of my second semester exams. also come january im both afflicted with covid and experiencing a bad bed bug infestation. #girlsuffering. i dropped out in the summer ^_^ this is when the terrible moodswings hit (i thought they were moodswings but as it turns out, i was incredibly emotionally unstable!! more on this later)

2022!! last year oh my gosh! denver and jasper/moth and i started talking about moving in together, which requires me to have money of course. so aprilish i get a job! i work at starbucks! i girlslay REALLY hard. i also start playing ensemble stars (the beginning of my curse……..). come july i had a massive breakdown and almost broke up with denver and our mutual friend group 👍 it was Bad bad.. but things worked out? <- this experience has led me to believe im probably a bpd haver becos of how wildly unstable i am. fun! crasy asf!

moving plans fall through as summer goes by, im still employed at my job, still havent gotten my license yet but it is ok i will get it soon, and come 2023, moving plans are back on!! hopefully will be seen-through ny the time summer comes…

tldr i have bpd, i dropped out and got a job, im gay a shit over idol bot gacha game, and by summer, ill hopefully be moved in with denver!! yeha those are the important updates! for me at least. randys in college now btw!!! in her sophomore year!! shes incredible truly! she lives on campus so i usually only see her once a month or so but shes literally awesome ^_^

very long update post and i made it all about me 💔 theres history between us that ive unfortunately forgotten and im sad that ive forgotten (then again i could always read back, but every time ive tried, ive only cringed at myself like OOGH is that me?? sickening) but im really glad to have gotten this anon!! if youre not the person i think you are thats okay and also i am sorry i assumed UEGEJVFDJF i needed this i think to try and reflect back on. the crazy ass time my newrly three years of adult life has been.. im 21 in july!!! crazy as hell!

i also hope the formatting is ok, i try to break up big paragraphs w/o starting a brand new one for the sake of readability <:] i think i mightbe learned that from you? i dont remember though guwbddjjd.. but i think about you on the occasion as i do with everyone ive ever met ever and im glad to know youre still kicking it like i am.. life is rough a hell 💔

theres not enough words i can say that can make up for not remembering us too well and also for saying and doing hurtful things to you if theres one thing ive not forgotten, its that i was not a very nice person way back when. but i hope now youre in a better place and you have friends who love you just as much as i did and still do!!

i have to go to work but uuwheuehehhehehrhfht thank you for reaching out anon i hope this post was nice to read and feel free to live in my inbox for forever, even if you wanna stay anonymous forever i dont mind! if youre not the person i was thinking of, rest well with the joy that youve given me a moment to reflect on myself euwhhwrh but if you ARE the person i was thinking of. im sorry i hurt you. and thank you!! i love you!! im glad you were a part of my life. i hope your day is good and your tomorrow is better!! live in my inbox if it pleases you!!

EDIT: FROGOR TO SAY IM PROUD OF YOU TOO 👍

[tennessoui]

For the FanFic Ask Game F & N!!!

Also I came by to tell you that your last chapter for the fishhook… (sorry I don’t know the name) au was as amazing as always!! Thank u so much!!

I have been rereading some of your fics to pass the time in quarantine (i tested negative but we still decided that we will all do quarantine when my father tested positive) and reading them again is as amazing as the first time. They have kept me company as I watched the beach from my window 🥺

Hope you are doing great and you succeed in everything you have set your mind into. Please drink lots of water!!

oh!! thank you for this and also the compliment :o i never reread my fics so i'm actually very happy to hear that they hold up the second time through !!! and also im glad youre negative <3<3<3

as for the questions, i've already answered N here!

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

“I love you!” Anakin states, a mix of angry, frantic, and hurt. “Of course that’s enough! We’ve been dating for four years! People--” People get married after less time, he has started to say. But he has to cut himself off. He has to not go there. Not now. Not until he can fix whatever doubts Obi-Wan has thought up that are making him say such absolute fucking shit. “Obi,” he tries in a softer voice, stepping forward until he can put his hand on his arm. “Baby, you know I’ve loved you since I was five years old. You’re a part of me. Tell me what you need from me, you know I’d do anything for you. How can I make this better?”

Obi-Wan stares down at his hand. When he looks back up, his eyes are distant and cold, as if Anakin’s struck the final nail in the coffin. “Throwing a rock at a kid who made fun of your lisp when we were five isn’t grounds for an actual adult relationship, Anakin.” he says stiffly. “I’ve been thinking about my future. And I think it’s for the best if it doesn’t involve you. And if yours doesn’t involve me. For...a little while, I don't know.”

Anakin drops his hand away, but he doesn’t even mean to. He just can’t feel it anymore.

“But I love you,” he says, and then he regrets saying it because it feels too raw and vulnerable of an admission when Obi-Wan’s looking at him like that. But what else can he say?

“I applied to the Jedi Temple University in January.” Obi-Wan sounds so distant, like breaking up with Anakin is just one of the things on his to-do list and he’s already wondering about the sales at the grocery store. “It was a long shot, but I got in.”

Anakin stares at him.

“And I know you got into the University of Naboo with a really good scholarship. Your mom told me. It has one of the best architecture programs in the entire world, Anakin. Coruscant College...we never should have even applied. I don’t know what we were thinking--”

Anakin was thinking that he wanted to be with Obi-Wan for the rest of his life. Anakin was thinking Coruscant College had good programs for both of what they wanted to do, was not too far away from their parents, was comparatively cheap--Anakin was thinking that he would have followed Obi-Wan anywhere the boy went.

It's a bit long so sorry about that but this is from how to say someone's name like it's just a string of letters ! i think it's one of my favorite fics, but i like this bit specifically because i've never written an obikin break up before other than this and i think it's very sad. but also i think if you reread it after you read why obi-wan broke up with anakin, you can see the reasons reflected in the dialogue! when i was writing it, i knew from the beginning what the reason would be so i was trying to give anakin the grounds of being absolutely devastated by the break up but then leave space for someone to then understand why obi-wan was saying what he was saying :>

[actualbird]

not tot related just me getting VERY anxious so it's not too important so i can actually use a read more haha: is anybody else like me irt needing at LEAST five things to be happening at once for like, productivity to happen?

back in january, no joke, i was once sewing an entire dress while transcribing a 2hour zoom call (freelance work) WHILE writing fanfiction. and i got all those things done when they needed to be done. but that was me unemployed. things r different when employed, yea?

in my last job (which is very very very corporate and also sucked) i had a hard time for a lot of reasons but one of them is bc i had to be doing one thing at a time, on the job. theres no space for me to open a new tab for something interesting, every task took up so much space for that. not only did that make me sad as fuck, it also just did NOT activate my brain. brain was like, "the activity quota hasnt been reached, we dont turn on yet!!" and im pointing at the task like BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS and brain is like "tough luck, scrub!!!" i was working so slowly and so badly lmao.

current job is a lot more flexible tho in like, every way. flexi hours as long as i timekeep everything right but bros, i have a timekeep topic thats labeled "personal development" which is basically "theres nothing for me to do" and when i checked my prev salary, those hours were still included in my work hours. what? anyway, a bunch of coworkers have shared that they sometimes play video games or the like while working, bc of focus issues like me. and so i feel p safe doing the same shit, i get all my work tasks done alongside writing thousands of words of tot fandom bullshit and doing tot dailies and petting luke plush.

i cannot stress enough that being able to do this allows me to work better. my writing for both work and fandom bullshit is just....much more lively. and the amount of shit i write for both work and fandom daily? you dont wanna know. it's a LOT. and i work faster too!! i have to overtime every once in a while in this job, but it's more often i find myself with personal development time because i managed to finish so much ahead of time. and most of the time i feel GOOD. most of the time this FEELS GREAT. i feel energized and happy with the stuff im making

but now im getting worried (typical) that maybe im just being lazy????

like idk, i believe in "work smart, not hard" and "work with your brain quirks, not against them" but WHAT IF I COULD BE DOING THINGS IN A MORE STREAMLINED EFFECTIVE PRODUCTIVELY BETTER QUALITY MANNER????

im game to give up feeling "good" if it means i can write faster and better. i have not been diagnosed with ADHD but i have a...suspicion? but idk if it's ADHD or just another facet of bipolar disorder, which i am diagnosed with.

oh god, one huge con of my workstyle is that it is messy. i get everything done but sometimes people need to yank me back and ask me where a certain thing is because it slipped through the cracks and i forgot about it and oh god. im not feeling very okay anymore but mY POINT MY POINT IS!!

PPL WITH SIMILAR OR DIFFERENT BRAINS, DO U HAVE THOUGHTS??? am i fucking insane? do i need to things better? should i eat soil? why did god make me like this?

i wrote this post with 3 devices open

[hermannsthumb]

Hermann preparing for date night with Newt by selecting where to eat solely by what he has a coupon for. Or, ya know, frugal connoisseur Hermann. <3 ksci

inspired by a convo re: the fact that ksci @k-sci-janitor likes to make fun of me for never letting a coupon go to waste even if it means walking like 2 miles in the cold to use it :/ like im gonna NOT get a free Baja blast. (there is one small little allusion to some M rated stuff towards the end in this)

-------------------

It’s not a rare occurrence that Hermann will treat Newt to dinner when the mood of dining out strikes them, but the point is that he’s doing it in a way that’s supremely…shifty tonight. Well, maybe not shifty. Weird? For one thing, he didn’t tell Newt where they were going until they were already on the bus headed there, for another, it’s their sharing-a-lab-anniversary, which tradition dictates they evenly split a bill (even if the origins have more to do with both trying to show up the other and take advantage and order the most expensive shit on the menu). The weirdest thing is definitely that, when Hermann got up to pay the bill five minutes ago—a small, folded piece of paper clutched in his hand—he left his wallet laying next to his wine glass on the table.

Newt stirs his straw around in his cup of soda, clinking ice cubes against the sides, and squints at the wallet. Did Hermann bring cash to pay with? He could’ve stuck some in his pockets without Newt seeing, or his bank card, even, which would explain the forlorn wallet. Or maybe forgetting the wallet was totally an accident, and he’ll be back in a few seconds to pick it up and pay for real when he realizes. That’s probably it.

When Hermann comes back to their table, though, he doesn’t bother with his wallet—he takes his seat, picks up his wine glass, and tips it at Newt. “That was quite lovely, wasn’t it?”

Newt hums. “It was.”

“I quite liked the fish I got,” Hermann says.

“I loved my noodles,” Newt says. “We should try to copy the recipe back at the base.” He sets his straw delicately on the table. “How’d you pay without your wallet?”

“My wallet?” Hermann says. He makes a show of catching sight of the wallet, arches his eyebrows in mock surprise, and picks it up. Here we go. “Oh, goodness. Did I forget this? Well—it’s not as if I needed it…” He tucks it neatly into his inner jacket pocket.

“Hermann,” Newt says, rolling his eyes. “What’d you do, get a hundred-percent discount by reminding them we saved the world a few months ago?” Hermann shakes his head, and takes a long sip of his wine. “Did you write a check? Did you pretend we got food poisoning or something?” Hermann shakes his head again, and this time, his mouth begins to creep up into a smug smile. Newt remembers the piece of paper. “Dude. You got us a fucking Groupon. No wonder you were being so weird about what I was ordering!”

(“I think we ought to stick with the entrees labelled B, Newton,” Hermann had said, flipping a page forward in Newt’s menu. “They look—er—far better.”

“More expensive,” Newt had said.

“What’s it matter? I’m paying.” Hermann had pointed at the noodle dish Newt had ended up getting. “Look, I reckon you’d like that.”)

Hermann finally grins triumphantly. “I did—and saved us quite a decent from our ‘date night’ fund. Pity it didn’t extend to dessert, I suppose, but we could always find some ice cream at the commissary later.”

Newt can’t even pretend to be exasperated. The noodles rocked. And they would’ve rocked even more if he knew that Hermann was saving them a few bucks. “You’re such a weirdo,” Newt says, shaking his head, though he’s mirroring Hermann’s grin. “Is that why you picked this place?”

“Not entirely,” Hermann says. He takes a long, slow sip of his wine. “Mostly I picked it to make a point.”

“About?”

“About my being right.”

Newt sighs. Only Hermann would dredge up old arguments on Lab Anniversary Night. It wasn’t even an argument, really—all that happened was that Hermann asked Newt to hand him his glasses cleaning cloth from his parka, and it took Newt almost ten minutes because Hermann’s pockets were so jam-packed with a million little coupons for everything from granola bars (which they can get from the mess hall for free) to mouthwash (which Newt can snag from the commissary, also for free, whenever they need it) that he couldn’t find anything but. A majority of them were expired. Then Newt remarked on how Hermann was nuts, and Hermann remarked on how Newt didn’t understand the value of making smart financial decisions, and they went back and forth for a bit like that. This was a whole week ago, too. In terms of Newt and Hermann arguments, that’s more than ancient history. “Are we really talking about the fucking coupons now?” Newt says.

“Frugality pays off,” Hermann says, cryptically. “Now we really ought to head out. The forecast is calling for rain, and I don’t fancy getting caught in it.”

They get caught in the rain anyway. Newt invites himself over to Hermann’s bunk to dry off, because Hermann bought a space heater back when they were stationed in Russia, and it travelled with him here to aid through the long nights of overpowering A/C. Right now, it’s aiding Newt through stripping out of his wet clothes. When he’s down to just his boxers, he snags the quilt from Hermann’s bed, and waits for him to finish up in his little en suite bathroom to hopefully catch a hot shower. One of the unexpected side effects of the world not ending and most nonessential personnel leaving the ‘dome in doves is that they almost never run out of hot water anymore. Newt can take a shower at midnight and not freeze his ass off. It’s awesome, really.

Hermann emerges from the bathroom in a dorky little pair of pajamas, a dressing gown knotted at his waist. “Oh, Newton,” he sighs, and prods at Newt’s blanket cocoon with his cane, “not my grandmother’s quilt.”

“I’m dry!” Newt says. “Mostly!”

He gives up the quilt to Hermann and ducks into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He stuck a spare toothbrush in the medicine cabinet at some point, for when he was too sleepy and lazy after makeout sessions to go back to his bunk, and sure enough he finds it alongside a suspiciously generic-looking tube of toothpaste. It doesn’t even have a label. He doesn’t think much of it until he starts to use it, which is when he immediately gags and begins to rinse his mouth out with hot water. “What the hell is this toothpaste?” he chokes out. “It tastes—awful.”

“Ah,” Hermann says. He ducks his head into the bathroom, looking a bit sheepish. “Well. I found a coupon for that brand, and I know it’s not very, er, pleasant, but—I saved forty percent, Newton.” Newt continues to rinse his mouth out, this time adding some mouthwash into the mix. “Oh, really, now you’re just being dramatic. It’s only toothpaste.”

“Dude,” Newt says. “I feel like I just rubbed, like, acid cement all over my gums.”

“Ah,” Hermann repeats, guiltily.

A bit later, Newt goes in to kiss Hermann goodnight as they settle into Hermann’s bed together, but pulls back with a sad little pout when Hermann merely flinches away from him. “Oh, Newton, I’m sorry,” Hermann says, quickly wrapping his arms around Newt and kissing his neck. It softens the blow somewhat. “It’s that bloody toothpaste. You still smell like it. You’re right, it’s rubbish.”

“Tell you what,” Newt says, grumpily. “I’ll buy you a brand new tube tomorrow. My treat.”

Newt mostly forgets about the coupon thing for a bit. The odd little item crops up in the lab that makes him roll his eyes fondly at Hermann, but nothing as major as the Groupon or toothpaste. Hermann’s preferred tea brand swapped out for something Newt’s never heard of in a flavor that Hermann clearly detests, if his face when he drinks it is anything to go by, for example, the chocolate digestives Hermann keeps in his desk replaced with plain ones, his new box of chalk all in a salmony shade of pink and weak enough to snap apart under his fingers if he presses down too hard on his chalkboard. When Newt asks about the changes, the answer’s always the same: Hermann had a coupon for them, or they were less expensive than his usual. Newt just wishes he could understand where this sudden bought of thriftiness came from. It’s not like it was back during the war, where they had to pinch pennies and save in every area they could if they wanted to supplement their nonexistent funding. They’re actually getting paychecks now, on behalf of the UN’s guilty conscience! They have free room and board! They even put a few neat bucks away from some (heavily-redacted) interviews they did back in late January.

What Newt’s getting at is Hermann doesn’t have to limit them ordering out sushi to only places with free delivery on date nights, or skimp on his pizza toppings (four-topping down to two) so they can use a better coupon, or buy any of those subpar teabags or digestives or toothpaste tubes. But he just…is.

The tipping point occurs on a Saturday night about a month after the Groupon incident.

“Nn. Hermann. Do that again.”

“Do—?"

“Yeah.” Newt groans, turning his head to the side. “Oh, shit.”

“Newton—” Hermann kisses his throat. “Newton, you’re—”

“Wait.” Newt pauses. “What is that?”

“Oh, er.” Hermann pulls his hand away. “You mean the—the—?”

“Yeah. It feels…weird.” He frowns. “That is not what we used last time.”

“Oh. No. It isn’t.” Hermann clears his throat. “Well, Newton—see—we were out, so I thought I’d—I’d buy a larger bottle, to last us longer, and I happened to find a coupon for this lovely—er—gallon-sized—”

“You’re kidding,” Newt says.

“Only I thought it was a very frugal purchase,” Hermann says. “We do tend to, er, burn through it rather quickly.”

Newt rolls away from him. “Dude. We need to have a talk.”

Some brief amount of time later, they sit together on the end of Hermann’s bed, clad in their pajama bottoms and, in Hermann’s case, one of Newt’s sweatshirts. Newt waits until Hermann meets his eyes blushingly before he proceeds. “What is up with you lately?” he says. “You’ve been acting so—weird. Weirder than usual,” he amends. “Since when have you cared about saving a couple bucks on random shit like pizza?”

Hermann fidgets, and sighs, and finally reaches to pull open the drawer of his nightstand. He retrieves a piece of paper folded into quadrants, and for a wild moment Newt thinks it might be another Groupon. “Oh, I wanted it to be a surprise,” Hermann says. “I was going to wait until it was all finalized—but it’s close enough now, so I suppose there’s no harm in it.” He thrusts the paper out at Newt, and Newt—still wondering if it’s not another Groupon—unfolds it with surprise to find what looks like a flight itinerary. Two tickets for Hong Kong to Boston, with a short layover; then two more tickets a week after they land for a short trip from Boston to some town in Maine Newt recognizes as being seaside. They’re made out to Hermann Gottlieb and Newton Geiszler and purchased a little over a week ago.

“You kept telling me you wanted me to meet your father,” Hermann says, and rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “And—I thought it might be nice, to have an—er—vacation, for a few days. We’ve certainly earned one. And it’s not as if we have any truly pressing obligations at the moment that can’t be put on hold for a week or two. I was planning on booking us a little cottage up in Maine—or maybe just a hotel room, I hadn’t decided—but we don’t have to if you don’t—”

“And you’ve been saving up for it?” Newt interrupts.

“For a few months now,” Hermann says. “Since February, in fact.”

“And that’s why…?”

The tips of Hermann’s ears turn red. “Every penny helped,” he says.

Newt carefully re-folds the itinerary, sets it aside, and then kisses Hermann soundly. It would be safe to say that Hermann’s thoughtful, romantic moods tend to be on the spontaneous side, probably as spontaneous as they are in Newt, so when one strikes Hermann (and in such a perfectly Hermann way as this one) Newt doesn’t like to take it for granted. “Of course I wanna go on vacation with you,” Newt says. “You rock. Seriously.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Hermann says, looking pleased.

[shroomtalker]

ghostbur and dsmp!wilbur thoughts...

hello! this is being written at almost 5 am so super sorry if i don’t explain things well or it’s shorter than my last dsmp theory post. i’m using my last few brain cells to write this so, here we go! obvious spoiler warning ahead. :)

trigger warnings: death

How Ghostbur and DSMP!Wilbur split in half

we know from tommy's stream of dream being put in prison and the finale for season two, dsmp!wilbur has no recollection of who ghostbur is and calls him "some guy" and a lunatic. wilbur, the version we know that blew up l'manberg, is in the after life. but this leaves the question to.. who was ghostbur? or what was ghostbur?

after the inevtibale destruction of manberg/l'manberg (nov. 16th), dsmp!wilbur asked dsmp!philza to kill him on the spot. there is a lot of intrepertations of how phil ultimately killed him with his sword, however i will be going with the stab to the heart.

wilbur went corrupt. he lost his way and drove down to madness that lead to the end of something he created. something he soon realized was no longer a place of freedom, but more a political armageddon. but.. the wilbur we knew before his demise was caring to say the least. he was charismatic and realistic in the fight of rebellion against the greater dream smp and against dream himself. he was actually.. nice?

ghostbur is a very optimistic person with a couple of flaws (one of them being his lack of memory of what happened when he was alive). he cherished books that were from the past and had sentimental value. he saw everyone as friendly! i mean his sheep was named friend!

when dsmp!phil took his blade through wilbur's heart, a once distorted soul split into two. the past and the corrupt. ghostbur represents who wilbur was and alivebur who is now confirmed to be in the after life this entire time represents the person we knew. the person tommy, knew. when he died, the two halves of his heart fell out of place before they could go back to being one, which resulted into ghostbur being thrown into the mortal world while alivebur was kicking back. this would also make sense for ghostbur's memory. he stated in one of tommy's live streams that he remembers everything up until the election and a few spotty fragments of pogtopia. wilbur went corrupt during the pogtopia arc and the only "true" wilbur we knew was during the beginning of the disc saga.

But, what was Ghostbur's purpose?

ghostbur was a collector of some sorts; he held onto books like i mentioned before that held value. emotional, value. lets not also forget what blue means. when fundy asked what blue meant, ghostbur replies with something along the lines of, "blue is first transparent, then it sucks up all your sadness so it turns blue!"

ghostbur was known to pass around blue. a lot. quite frequently might i add too. he was doing this for closure. dsmp!wilbur never wanted to become corrupt. it only lead to his demise. but he realized that there was no other choice than to blow everything up. blowing up the remnants of pain solves all your problems, huh?

ghostbur can also be looked at being a sort of coping mechanism for dsmp!tommy, who really struggled with the death of dsmp!wilbur. the kid even said l'manberg was all he had LEFT of him. ghostbur being around tommy gave him a sense of security that he could no longer latch onto the more tubbo became political and the distrust errupting between their friendship. once the disc saga was finally done.. ghostbur left. his purpose was done. he helped tommy get through the pain to achieve a life time goal: getting the discs back.

i would also like to add when dsmp!wilbur said he didn't want to come back adn rather stay in the after life makes perfect sense for him. his main goal was blowing up l'manberg when he realized that it can no longer be what it was for, a place where man can do whatever he please. once destroying it, he asked phil to kill him because:

A) can't handle the pain anymore and needed to be taken out of his misery. B) he accomplished his goal and there was nothing more to be done, so death was the only option.

im super sorry if this one was really sad towards the end, i just wanted to share my thoughts since season three of the smp is kicking and wanted to close some of my theories. this was really fun to write so i hope you all enjoyed! again, if you have any questions/suggestions/anything to add on, please send me a message! <3

--- written January 31st, 2021 - February 1st, 2021.