#ALSO I WAS very SAD IN JANUARY AND NOW IM NOT THAT SAD ANYMORE

[pepprs]

hi everyone! i hope january has been kind to you and that february will be even kinder. just a few quick updates:

i haven’t remade yet and honestly im thinking that i’m not going to (so if you reached out for my new url please know im not ignoring you!). ive opened the app and lurked a little from time to time but honestly not posting / generally staying away from tumblr and other social media has definitely made a noticeable difference w my mental health. i am still very much struggling w depression but spending majority of my time touching grass has genuinely helped a lot 🥲 i still have a LOT of recovery to do but ithink im in a much better place now than i was when i made that post last month and im (nervously) hopeful that i’ll never be in a headspace that dark again. as much as i miss it here and am sad to not be as in touch w my mutuals anymore, i really think it’s the best choice for me right now. but im still “here” and i may drop in from time to time to say hi just like im doing rn!

also i have a VERY exciting update i want to share: im finally moving out!!!!!!! into my own apartment!!!!!! in less than a month!!!!!!!!! im SO excited and scared and stressed and relieved and proud of myself. and even though im stepping away from tumblr for the foreseeable future and took this huge step without talking about it here, i truly couldn’t have done this w/o all of the encouragement and comfort so many of you have given me over the years when i needed it most. it feels overdramatic / cringe / etc to say in part bc it was an unhealthy coping mechanism for me to share it all and seek relief in the way i did, but im truly so grateful to everyone who has borne witness to the some of the hardest and most formative moments along my journey. it hasn’t been an easy path at all but it has really, truly eased the hardship of it to know im not alone and there are ppl who have been through / are going through similar things. thank you for helping to light my way 💗 im considering starting a tinyletter / substack / etc (basically an email newsletter / blog) focused on what i will (hopefully) be learning and discovering as i build this new life for myself, so if you��re interested in that please send me an ask! again, im not sure if im actually going to do it… but just like w potentially making a new tumblr someday, i’ll send a link to anyone who’s interested if and when i do decide to go for it 🥹

that’s all for now! im wishing each of you a fabulous february 🫂❣️🐈☕️

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

also this is maybe probably too personal to share but idrc , next year (starting in january) im gonna be living in japan for 4 months Lol im from the us and have never been there so i’m very excited!! :3 and im not even sad abt leaving anymore… get me the HELL out of here!!!! cant wait to ditch everything here‼️ irls have been acting up too much lately idc idc i was sad and Wistful for like a second there but now i’m glad i get the chance to show them how much i don’t need them . what’s that one richard siken poem… someone always has to leave first. and it will ALWAYS be ME!!!!!!!❤️

[candiliam328]

✨ Bean's Top Five Song Discoveries of 2023 ✨

yes i realize it is already well into january 2024 but here, enjoy the songs i found this year that define my 2023. if you're new here, hi i used to make obsessive music posts but now dont have time to make full ones so take this instead: your very own unique insight to my 2023!

this post is dedicated to @disco-tea for somehow being invested in all my music adventures and obsessions, bestie ily 🥺💕

STOP (Lollapalooza Version) by j-hope (Eng. translation // Performance w/ Eng. sub)

im totally cheating already by choosing this when i first listened to jitb in 2022. but honestly? i dont care. i saw hobipalooza for the first time in 2023 and this version was only officially released then so here it is now!

to be frank, watching the performance was a completely different experience to me compared to listening to the studio release. while the original recording sounded conversational, it felt like something was exploding out of him during this performance. he needed to get things off his chest and yet still barely stops himself in his tracks from spiralling. and the juxtaposition !! placing it right after Equal Sign, where he is preaching kindness and understanding and unity and even goes so far to say "it costs you nothing to be kind" ?? and then the sudden immediate whiplash into STOP where he is actively holding himself back because its not true! being kind is hard!!! but he wants to be understanding and practice what he preaches but even he fails and gets "contaminated by the viruses" sometimes. its hard, its real, its raw. and ugh !! this song !!!

Bonus: the moment I always start to lose my mind

its the way the alternate title to this song is "there are no bad people in the world," a belief he holds deep to his core. and yet only a few breaths later, he confesses that the reality of the world makes him question if people are even human anymore. 😩 like wtf-

but also. its so true. and relatable. sometimes i cant even look at the news anymore bc its so hard to be a hopeful and positive and good person when you are bombarded with only hate and tragedy. i have never seen that feeling captured so perfectly in a song. jung hoseok you king.

tldr i think about this song, its performance juxtaposition, and what it means way too often. eternally sad that the youtube video with eng subs playing those songs back to back got taken down, i rewatched it so much it haunts me. may we never ever forget hobipalooza bc jung hoseok made Choices !!

-

Don't Wanna Cry by Seventeen (Eng. translation // Performance w/ Eng. sub in captions)

the real ones remember how j-hope took over my life that second half of 2022 and how much i fought tooth and nail the entire way... so yeah lol seventeen took over the second half of 2023 and this is the song that got me out of that denial.

the thing is. i had kept hearing about this song and this choreography and how iconic it was, which is why i avoided it for so long. but as we all know, no matter how much i joke, i am and always will be a dancer. dancing will always be in my blood. so it is very on brand that a good dancer has been what gets me into kpop groups 100% of the time (2 out of 2 groups stanned bc i fell for the main dancer 🫣). and as a choreographer, good choreo will always have an unreasonable chokehold on me. and yet, Don't Wanna Cry has the audacity to exist ?? featuring performance unit leader hoshi with his most masterful choreography for this heartbreaking song ?? come onnn, i had no chance.

i cant say anything about this choreo that hasnt been said before but like seriously, watch this practice video and tell me this choreo isnt one of the most in-sync yet emotionally effective pieces of art you've ever seen. You don't even need the translations to understand the emotions behind it. But when I first saw the lyrics with the choreography, I swear I got chills. Ironically, once DK sang out this line:

my eyes got blurry. because thats the whole point of the song isn't it? thats the whole reason why they dont want to cry. because they realize their time together is limited, their heart is breaking but each second in their presence is so beautiful and precious, how dare tears get in the way of fully appreciating this time together. its beautiful and heartbreaking and then the timing of falling to their knees right after for a chorus just adds into the hopelessness.

And I know everyone talks about the bridge but like- the bridge.

Lying to yourself that everything is OK only to fall on your knees again begging "come back, come back, come back". The rawness in this choreo. The almost uncontrollable chest pops in this vulnerable, open position because these words are coming from their heart.

Also Hoshi still to this day calls this one of his favorite svt choreos. He doesn't brag much about his choreo nowadays but the interviews I could find of him proudly relaying the story behind the iconic "streetlight" choreo just 🥺🥺 me too buddy. choreo can be beautiful sometimes and he did so good with this one. 🥺🥺🥺 choreographer hoshi, king of my heart, thank you for making me fall in love with this song 🥺🙌

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I'm Just Another Person Oh God by Daisy the Great (lyrics)

Ah, yes. the Daisy the Great phase. I could have picked the whole All You Need is Time album honestly bc the storyline it has in my head is so fucked up I can't handle it. But in the end, it was a toss up between including this one or Aluminum in this list bc those were the ones I had on loop. for. reasons. 🫣

Gosh, what to say about this song. other than admitting, wow was I going through something for this one. Haven't we all felt this way sometimes though? Wanting something so bad and it not working out and then stepping back like. "wait am i being greedy and selfish with this?" and the answer is no! like actually im just being entirely super normal with this. just like everyone else! only i am also filled with some bonus woe! like ?!??!?! wasnt that the biggest 2023 mood? idk it was for me lmao.

There is something to be said with this album though, that is particularly apparent in this song. It's that kind of cynical wistfulness of wanting something you had in the past. Passion? Naivete? Whatever it is. It's gone now bc of life, the passage of time, and you're being like so super brave and normal about it (clenched fist, arthur meme style). Everything is painted with a bit of regret and "why am i always like this", all wrapped up in a funky floaty song that is almost uncomfortably easy to listen and vibe to bc of how concerning those lyrics can be when you really listen. but hey ✌️ it really do be like that sometimes i guess. shoutout to them for the insane 20yearold something vibes bc daisy the great? they get it ahaha.

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Snow on Tha Bluff by J. Cole (lyrics)

Lol surprise.

if you ever want to know how i find music, a lot of my favorite songs are usually found by chance. a random deep dive fueled by curiosity or hyperfixation and every so often, my spotify will give me a gem. this particular discovery was bc for a variety of reasons, i decided to listen to a playlist of j.cole's music and was bopping along appropriately until this one came up and. i had to replay it multiple times.

its very understated. and raw. stream-of-consciousness.

i dont even know but i listened to this one a lot. even as i write this now, its been months since i listened to it but when i was making this list, i knew i had to include this one bc of how much ive thought about it.

there's something about understated vulnerability that always gets me in. nothing about this is showy nor does it really seem to have a point other than him needing to get this off his chest. yet there's such a poignant art to it. the instance he speaks about is v specific but the sentiment is still relatable and somehow resonated with me a lot.

idk i just think this song is so beautiful in its simplicity, which is something i think i should try to emulate more considering i said a whole lot of nothing in this section so i think ill stop this one here.

-

I Don't Understand But I Luv U by Seventeen (Eng. Lyrics)

if i had to pick a song that defined my december, it would be this one. hands down, no contest. i think i listened to this nonstop the last two weeks of the year. and:

... yeah.

im realizing as i write this post that i spent a lot of this past year just thinking about music and life. seventeen's songs actually tend to be a bit of a slow burn on me so i had known and even heard this song a few times earlier this year but really it only hit me last month. yet despite listening to it nonstop, i cannot recite to you the actual english translation of the song. bc ultimately the translation doesnt matter. what i love about this song is already there in the title.

"I don't understand but I love you"

after all, isnt that love in its truest essense? love is accepting you may never truly understand everything about a person but choosing to love them anyway. love transcends all language and all understanding. its a choice and an action and this is the song that always reminds me of that when love gets hard.

idk what this all says about my 2023 but love is hard. family is hard. but in a way, i think that's what makes it all so beautiful. just as beautiful as this song. i can and will (and have!) listened to this song on repeat bc the ✨vibes✨ i think it might even have been the first song i listened to in 2024. that guitar riff is so sick and sensual. the ad libs are so cute - the little zoom! at 0:46 and smoke smoke! at 2:02, i sing along to it every time 🫣.

also hearing the girlies lose their minds when watching this performance on the big screen during their simulcast concert was so funny but endearing. i'd never but those girls sure love thirst traps skakakka

the story behind this song too just 🥺 hoshi getting absolutely blown by a fan's comment "i dont understand but i love you," repeating it, saying they could use it as part of their lyrics and then a few months later, this song comes out. you can literally see his eyes light up im just 🥺 so endeared. and the way its a Performance Unit song, a unit that is made of 50% foreign members, and that several pre-debut clips show members struggling with language barriers. idk this song is all so soft, it means so much to me and clearly means so much to them. and there we go, its all in the title for me ✨

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✨ if you made it all the way here, wow and thanks! here's to even more good music in 2024 ✨

[asbestieos]

we used to be friends, way before, and like, wow, youve gone so far, proud of you

🥹🥹🥹 oh my goodness!! anon if youre who i think you are (i am somewhat confident in my silly hunch), im so happy to know youre still out there even if we dont talk anymore!!! admittedly i have the most terrible memory ever so i barely remember much of our time together (i wish i remembered more!! but as is, i cant even remember the last time i showered lmfao) but since its been such a long time, i hope its ok if i give you a Riley Life Update of the past.. two, three years? <- it feels like it has been longer than that 😭😭

2020!! i graduated!! i enrolled in school! i girlslayed hard! however due to World Events, i cant go to school in person and am relegated to online classes in my room </3 unfortunately im also in the deepest depths of my genshin phase and ran both my own And denver’s acc. sometimes i paid for her acc’s battlepass too it was bad DBDKBFJ

2021! girlslaying starting to fail from burnout and severe depression from being shut in! i passed my first semester exams with flying colors! i failed all but one of my second semester exams. also come january im both afflicted with covid and experiencing a bad bed bug infestation. #girlsuffering. i dropped out in the summer ^_^ this is when the terrible moodswings hit (i thought they were moodswings but as it turns out, i was incredibly emotionally unstable!! more on this later)

2022!! last year oh my gosh! denver and jasper/moth and i started talking about moving in together, which requires me to have money of course. so aprilish i get a job! i work at starbucks! i girlslay REALLY hard. i also start playing ensemble stars (the beginning of my curse……..). come july i had a massive breakdown and almost broke up with denver and our mutual friend group 👍 it was Bad bad.. but things worked out? <- this experience has led me to believe im probably a bpd haver becos of how wildly unstable i am. fun! crasy asf!

moving plans fall through as summer goes by, im still employed at my job, still havent gotten my license yet but it is ok i will get it soon, and come 2023, moving plans are back on!! hopefully will be seen-through ny the time summer comes…

tldr i have bpd, i dropped out and got a job, im gay a shit over idol bot gacha game, and by summer, ill hopefully be moved in with denver!! yeha those are the important updates! for me at least. randys in college now btw!!! in her sophomore year!! shes incredible truly! she lives on campus so i usually only see her once a month or so but shes literally awesome ^_^

very long update post and i made it all about me 💔 theres history between us that ive unfortunately forgotten and im sad that ive forgotten (then again i could always read back, but every time ive tried, ive only cringed at myself like OOGH is that me?? sickening) but im really glad to have gotten this anon!! if youre not the person i think you are thats okay and also i am sorry i assumed UEGEJVFDJF i needed this i think to try and reflect back on. the crazy ass time my newrly three years of adult life has been.. im 21 in july!!! crazy as hell!

i also hope the formatting is ok, i try to break up big paragraphs w/o starting a brand new one for the sake of readability <:] i think i mightbe learned that from you? i dont remember though guwbddjjd.. but i think about you on the occasion as i do with everyone ive ever met ever and im glad to know youre still kicking it like i am.. life is rough a hell 💔

theres not enough words i can say that can make up for not remembering us too well and also for saying and doing hurtful things to you if theres one thing ive not forgotten, its that i was not a very nice person way back when. but i hope now youre in a better place and you have friends who love you just as much as i did and still do!!

i have to go to work but uuwheuehehhehehrhfht thank you for reaching out anon i hope this post was nice to read and feel free to live in my inbox for forever, even if you wanna stay anonymous forever i dont mind! if youre not the person i was thinking of, rest well with the joy that youve given me a moment to reflect on myself euwhhwrh but if you ARE the person i was thinking of. im sorry i hurt you. and thank you!! i love you!! im glad you were a part of my life. i hope your day is good and your tomorrow is better!! live in my inbox if it pleases you!!

EDIT: FROGOR TO SAY IM PROUD OF YOU TOO 👍

[m0e-ru]

art summaries from this year and the last !! 21-22 !!

and here's some more commentary for 2022 because i will be more annoying this year

January - not a lot happening. i was asking for art reqs and NO ONE had ideas

February - MOEL SEKIYU TUMBLR BRANCH TOHRU ADACHI BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION?

March - 3/20 YEAH WAHOOO YEAAAH

April - lots of messing around this month. my merch came in the mail though !!!

May - PXDN ERA but i answered the teddie in a dress ask from like. two months prior

June - * didnt post this anyway i was messing around with csp. i really like the marker

July - * DIDNT POST THIS EITHER but one idol's stage costume looked like sho colors. it was funny in the moment

August - * DIDNT FUCKING POST THIS EITHER I HAVE NO IDEA anyway i just think theyre very important

September - * HOW MANY BIG PIECES HAVE I NOT BEEN POSTING HERE WHAT THE FUCK WHERE DO I EVEN SHARE THEM ANYWAY MAKING THIS WAS REALLY SAD CHIZUSAN WAS RETIRING AND DELETED HER SOCIALS ohh right my mimbot

October - I was trying out watercolors (the brush) and MARIE HALLOWEEN 2022 !!!

November - pocky day :] except it's jagariko

December - new year's art !! ive been wanting to draw blorbo to sogabe's new year art from the manga so here it is !!! sorry for no christmas holiday art

and here’s the love letter ive been meaning to write all the way back in august. it’s a bit personal but also vague . I am speaking from a soapbox next to a quiet intersection and pouring my heart out

im happy to see how ive improved throughout the years, and in some aspects stayed completely the same apparently. ve been jumping around 1000 brushes and 10000 more art styles ive never stayed consistent because I wanted something new and all I had was myself ! so apparently it became whatever happened here.

It’s true I had a lot more steam last year when it came to pumping art out but I think im also glad I did less art this year in a way. I’ll admit a lot of last year was fueled by chasing people and a way to reach the top and get my voice heard I felt like I was fighting for my life but im not too sure how it looked like from the outside. It’s also been fueled by spite which made me incredibly tired and something im glad I stopped utilizing this year. That I learned my boundaries and maintained them as peacefully as I am now.

Sure im a lot more tired but I think the pace im taking is a bit better in it’s own way too. I really wish I could’ve done more this year but when I look at it from afar I guess im still chasing things, too. Maybe not something new and I never really aimed for fame or anything. Maybe I just wanted to keep what I already have?

2021 I’ll confess was also a pile of shit and I guess 2022 was the year of my digging it all away and I’m not done yet. But as long as there’s progress that’s good enough for me. I’m glad I’ve been able to do all these things than not do them at all. But sometimes I wish I could relearn the restraint I had from before.

I never wanted to put a dark stain on the things I love so as long as I ground myself and remind myself why im here I can see the light and remember why I love theses things. I’m speaking in a very vague manner and I am relating this to my time in fandom as cheesy as it sounds, but also personally, I guess.

Imagine it like im talking on a soapbox right now when I say im really glad for the time I’ve spent here—while all of it isn’t the best that could’ve happened and the fault of my own shortcomings—I still treasure it. I love all the people I’ve met and the community I’ve formed and I guess there’s this fear of losing things since I’m afraid I can’t get them back, that I haven’t learned how to even connect better anymore. I really dont want this to sound like someone died lol but I really am genuinely grateful for all the time ive spent with people and how they considered me their friend and how theyre my friend and how they just moved on to other things and im stuck in a box ive put myself in that makes it so hard to be heard I stopped talking anyway.

To those who met me this year, or last year, or the year before that, or knew me before this gas station, and still are here somehow: thank you. For your kindness, for your tags, for your asks, for your replies, for your messages, for your discords, for your writing, for your art and for everything you’ve offered me. I always mean my gratitude from the bottom of my heart and I want to stop being afraid that it doesn’t show.

If this year brings more “Mim” then so be it. I’m happy you find joy in the silly nickname and all the love behind it no matter how silly it is. And even if I drift away or we all drift apart, I treasure every memory and sometimes cry over it at night. I wish 2023 would be nice to all of us and the years after.

[renewingagain]

monday 22 january 2024 // 7:11pm

feeling a little sorry for myself today but equally it is lowkey kinda my fault still lol

i received a job rejection which again would have been a perfect way for me to start a new career. it was what i wanted to go into and it was based in reading/london which would have been perfect for me to move to massi's and start my new life there

i suppose i still can just move down there come may, but i feel awkward about moving there without a job. it feels disappointing to my parents, and i dont want to burden massi

i mean yeah to be honest i didn't prep for the interview at all until the day - i was just so nervous as i find interviews quite daunting - especially civil service interviews, they are so tricky to navigate and this one i didn't pass at all. probably should have dedicated more time to it

anyway.., yes its a bit gutting to be rejected BUT it happens in life! if i was giving someone else advice in a similar situation, i would encourage them to just keep trying again. better your skills, take on feedback, yes it is a GRAFT, but (most) successful people just have to graft, it is the way life is if you wanna make it in the world. you can't allow rejection to tear you down, you've got to just chin up and carry on. there is a period of mourning, a period of sadness, a period of feeling sorrow. then comes a period of fixing yourself, a period of trying again, a period of progess, advancement, bettering yourself. the sorrow should only be for a period, ideally a small period. it is fine to be sorrowful but this will not cause change to occur

today i was in management training and we learned about emotional intelligence. we were taught that all emotions are positive. the sorrow i am feeling right now is now causing me to reflect (hence, journalling) and work out next steps, this is actually positive. allow your (bad) emotions to be the drive for change, don't just sit in them forever. disappointment is fine, it happens, we are only human, but reframe this disappointment to work for your good

think of the pain scenario: if you don't feel pain (eg, someone pinches you) then you will never know that anything is actually wrong. this anxiety you are feeling in your mind and your body is because your body wants and needs change, it is not happy where it is. try to use it as a driver to change. i would want the drive to be that i just don't want to feel anxiety anymore because it is tiring lol.

this isn't to say i'm doing terribly, generally i am actually quite well. there are good things still happening in life. i did a solo gig as a support slot for my friends band last weekend which i was very nervous about, but i owned it and it appeared to be well-received. im enjoying friends and being alive

anyway

we also come back to this old adage of how im going to choose to spend my time this year. i am very tired of using my phone, it is wasting my time a bit too much when i have many things to do

we also learned today in the management training about time management. my phone is a huge waste of my time, it is not the priority i want right now. i have a lot to do! more gigs to learn songs for, more CV work to do

i need to really sort my priorities out again

working out

looooool! ok, it is far too cold to be running right now, i cant face myself to do that. but i can still start doing my pullups every day again, and do some resistance band training too. that is all indoors and is at least constituting some form of exercise

i need to look at my to-do list and really just prioritise a few things, other things may have to wait. if i have to forego music stuff then i will. but i think i can do it all. i need to set aside time-slots of tasks i need to accomplish per day. and not use my phone while i'm doing things so i can just get shit done

chin up g, things will work out for you. i won't be stuck here forever, i refuse to be stuck this year. 2024 will be even better than 2023

if i dont find a decent job in london, the contingency plan is to just study and get qualified :) full time, this i can do in 3 months ! thats not too bad right? im sure i can find a pay monthly course to help me afford it if i really need to. it is an investment, and it will work out. london will be heaving with jobs once i get qualified in something

[intergalactic-chameleon]

gender stuff once again

SOOO ive finally come full circle and am now considering hypothetically one day getting top surgery (if not just breast reduction) and maybe also going on T at some point.

literally about a year ago when i was discussing gender with my roommate at the time, she asked me if i would consider getting top surgery after i told her that i was going to get a binder just to “try it out” and see “how it feels.”

i thought abt it, but told her “no, not really” because my boobs had never rly bothered me before and they made me feel “more like an adult” (im really short and tiny and would occasionally get mistaken for being a teenager rather than someone in their twenties, so my boobs were often the one age indicator for people). besides, they also made me feel attractive - i had long, wavy hair and taking topless photos of myself was a hobby of mine because i just looked fucking good. ultimately, my tits, which have always been somewhat disproportionally big (i think im a 34D), helped feel me more feminine and sensual as i grew up. though i definitely had a hard time trying to find cute tops that fit me and give me enough support sans bra, i still built a good wardrobe of interesting feminine clothing that i really enjoyed.

but despite all of this, i still wanted to try out something different. at the time last year, i had only just begun to think about being more transgressive with my gender presentation. i had realized that i wanted a shorter, boyish haircut (specifically to look like steve harrington) and kind of started to wear less feminine clothing overall. i also was discovering how attracted i was to men in an undeniably queer (ie. faggy) way, which further propelled me to explore masculine identity even more.

anyway, i was prolonging ‘the big chop’ until after my sister’s october wedding, so i began to grow my facial hair out in order to grow more comfortable with gender non conformity. and to my surprise, my mustache became very noticeable and at some point i realized that i could genuinely grow a little baby chin beard. ofc, by the time of the wedding, i shaved all that off, but went right back to growing it out.

then, the big day: i got my first ever short cut in january. it was shorter than i was expecting, but i immediately felt something shift. i started to feel a lot more confident and got tons of affirming compliments from loved ones about how well it fit me. i also finally felt comfortable enough to dress more “masculinely” and my facial hair didnt make me feel ratty and unkempt anymore; it just fit.

in the coming months i continued to feel more confident and expressed myself more openly around my peers. additionally, a lot of my trans peers started identifying me as trans (which was honestly very validating because i kinda felt like i couldnt loudly identify as trans unless other ppl saw me that way). thus, ever since i’ve been thinking about myself as a trans person and continuing to develop my identity around that.

however, now that ive been actively presenting more masculine/andro for about 6 months now, ive now run into several things about my appearance that i kinda struggle with, such as my height, my shoulder width, my small little arms, fussing with my hair, and of course, my chest. and so i now have this conundrum where im not necessarily experiencing intense gender dysphoria that leaves me feeling depressed, but i have this voice in my head that’s just like “hm, yknow, it’d be nice to maybe not have my tits” bc i’d really like to show off my chest / torso but my tits are so big that it’s distracting !!! and if im binding then i cant rly show off anyway…

so tl;dr: my tits dont make me hate myself but they’re getting on my nerves bc i feel like i’d be hotter without them but that doesnt feel like a good enough reason to gather all the resources needed to obtain a reduction/removal !!!! i also get sad thinking abt how pretty n feminine i used to look and how getting my tits altered (and/or if i went on a low dose of T) would make it hard for me to “return” to how i used to look … idk. how do i find out what i truly want for myself….

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

woke up and cried. dont really know where that was coming from inside of me so just saying i was Feeling Sad. actually Got up 2 hours later and made my bed, vacuumed and moved laundry around so now my floor is clear and not gross. was supposed to clean my whole room on tuesday but obviously Didnt do that.

have been looking at this grief healing discussion group (🤨) none of those people have any hope lol. which is both for the best and also soul crushing. it kind of sucks to see so many people not understand their situation bc it makes me feel really alone because i feel like i do understand and i dont hold any anger toward my situation like they do. just a lot of sadness and anxiety. the future feels so bleak. i know i'll have me. i know i have my whole life, i know i can manage by myself, i don't need anyone. and i've known that for a long time. but theres needing and wanting. and needing and choosing. and i was always choosing 😥

ppl talking about..when sm1 leaves ur Life and u get to have 'ur life back' i don't feel that way. i never felt my life was swallowed up :( i still pursued all my hobbies & spent time w friends, albeit less bc work & school & routine & also being older and friendships being harder. but now i just feel like. i have so much to talk about, and the person who listened can't hear anymore. and it's okay, because i can talk to other people. but just makes me sad.

mostly im okay right now. still in a weird phase i think & i'll start to feel really really devastated once it sinks in more. i keep thinking is it wrong to hold onto a little hope? i don't know 😖 because i can't know how one person will feel in time. and things could very well change. i was thinking earlier about how weird it is to not be thinking to myself that i should've been more loving, or i should've said this, or said that, or there were so many things i didn't get to do to show love, because really i gave my all, no love was not freely given. and that's kind of relieving, to not have that heavy weight of Wishing i'd loved more hanging over me?

i think one of the only things i regret is thinking i had more time to spend w his family/best friend and we talked abt tht before how i felt bad or felt like i hadn't tried enough :( n it makes me sad bc it was important to me that i was present in his life that way. i had smthing planned since january and idk if i can do it anymore.

some positives are as mentioned ^ cleaned my room a little bit, ive been trying to get into stardew again (failing) and downloaded photoshop for my sims blog Which im starting over lol. also TRYING to figure out how to get into therapy as an adult and not a kid whos mommy can sort it out LOL. i think id need to go private LORD.

wondering if i should start a secondary blog to put out everything i feel on So i can get the sense that people are still seeing me & hearing me without Feeling like im vomiting up all my feelings publicly for validation.. not that i dont want to express how i feel to people who know me but just that it feels shameful sometimes especially when i Talk about it so much. Most healthy coping mechanism i have is talking about how i feel all the time lol.

[ehnoshima]

i know it isnt the end of the year so im maybe jumping the gun on comparing art from the beginning of the year but im just Very Happy. The left pic is from january and i remember having my new years resolution be to do more painterly detailed drawings. and the right pic is from this month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so happy with this progress i just wanted 2 share it <3

[heir-of-the-founders]

Vent in tags uwu

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

So far what has been the worst thing about being pregnant?

oh so much, so equally.

sciatica, making it so i physically cannot walk without excruciating pain, but only at night when i need to get out of bed to piss. (thankfully i am not a type who needs to piss all the time. yet.)

acid reflux, a constant cold burn in my throat unfazed by tums but is ignorable if im constantly drinking something. so my stomach is always full of liquid, which makes the acid worse, so i have to keep drinking so i dont feel it.

i am So Fucking Hungry. “have less food more often! smaller, more frequent meals!” they say. “because your stomach will get smaller as baby grows!” i dont fucking think so babe. yes i can handle it. yes i know baby is growing rapidly and needs the nutrients and thats why my stomach is constantly growling. baby wants the entire meal, and baby wants another in two hours. pay up or perish. (by perish i mean my stomach will growl so loud you go deaf)

speaking of deaf, the sinus pressure has closed up one of my ears. it’ll go away after birth but the other ear has pulsatile tinnitus that i need surgery for because the sinus pressure and increased blood supply pushed my eardrum back, and i need a replacement prosthetic of some bone in my ear that isnt doing its job.

speaking of sinuses, there’s so much fucking blood in my body that sinus pressure causes nosebleeds, a common pregnancy issue. however, because of allergies i already had prior, my sinuses keep all the blood clotting up inside my sinuses. and because of acid reflux, i’m constantly spitting, so it never has time to settle and properly bleed. instead i cough, snort, and spit up 5-8 BLOOD CLOTS. FROM MY SINUSES. per day. some darker and heavier, most smaller and less dense. i am constantly creating suction pressure in my throat to dislodge blood clots from my nasopharynx. i am always snorting.

my tits are disgusting. i have lymphedema in the breasts, rather uncommon, and it has been completely mimicing the symptoms of breast cancer without having any lumps or actual tumors to show for it. anywhere. they’re simply an angry warm red, feel like an orange peel, hard as dried playdough, and the consistency of a memory foam mattress.

“yr areolas will darken uwu!”

and thats just what i hate the MOST.

things that just annoy me include:

always feeling both exhausted and like i NEED to clean everything. everything. all the time. im noticing dirt and mess that i’ve never seen before in my life. im rewashing perfectly clean items because im not the one who washed them initially.

nesting feels itchy. im exhausted midway through organizing the entire bathroom but i Have To keep going. its compulsive. it feels like an actual rat in my brain trying to claw its way out. and i struggle so badly to ignore it because half the shit i want to do cant be done until mid april. and it’s been scratching at me since like january. it kind of hurts.

also i love kicks but the rolls and swishes feel fucking gross, it feels like there’s a goldfish in my stomach just flopping around nastily. it tickles in a gross way.

i have to sleep on a wedge pillow in addition to my C pillow. both help immensely, but im so blocked off from davyn and it makes me sad. i have to tear my little nest apart if i want to cuddle, and then i can’t for very long because he lays down flat, and the aggravates my acid really badly.

horribly vivid dreams. ive never felt more disturbed by my dreams than i have the past few weeks. it feels so real, nothing like a normal weird dream. the concepts are strange but the environment is so convincing. and it’s usually nightmares.

im really forgetful now and its kind of scary. like genuinely scary because it feels like im losing my mind and its bringing up a lot of... gaslighty trauma from when i was a teenager. sometimes my memory is as perfect as usual, sometimes i forget what just came out of my mouth two seconds ago. davyn is really patient when i get scared.

and i have it relatively easy.

i dont have gestational diabetes, which would necessitate an entirely new diet that i KNOW i wouldnt be able to sustain.

i don’t have blood clots, so i dont have to take those awful shots that bruise the injection site so terribly(i took them after my knee surgery, i switched to warfarin because i couldnt stand the shots anymore after only a week).

i dont have cervical insufficiency, which runs in my family and would necessitate a much higher level of care.

i dont have an Rh incompatibility with my baby, which would necessitate a higher level of care but also one of the most painful shots you can get in pregnancy. in the ass cheek.

i didnt have morning sickness AT ALL, just occasional nausea and not even consistently. some people puke multiple times a day and struggle eating anything. for the entire duration.

i don’t have tons of emotional outbursts, i had one breakdown about davyn eating my banana, one about davyn saying “the pillow is my girlfriend now” because i fixated on the word girlfriend, one because i left soda in the freezer and it exploded, and i cry easily over touching youtube videos a little more easily. thats it. 3 breakdowns and a tender heart. over the past 7 months.

i have it quite easy, and most of all im doing this on purpose.

i’ll say it again every time: reproductive choice is a hill i will happily die on. absolutely fucking nobody deserves any of this, least of all people who don’t know its coming and didnt want it anyway.

i wanted this, and im doing it eagerly. i just also hate it and it sucks and im glad it’ll be over soon and i can have my screamy poopy wrinkly baby on the outside where i can actually LOOK at them and HOLD them and know the tangible fruits of my labor. feels like im wading through a sewer to reach some unknown treasure that im praying will still be there when i get to the end.

make sure your birth control timer is set properly. wrap yr meat. stay aware. etc.

[tennessoui]

For the FanFic Ask Game F & N!!!

Also I came by to tell you that your last chapter for the fishhook… (sorry I don’t know the name) au was as amazing as always!! Thank u so much!!

I have been rereading some of your fics to pass the time in quarantine (i tested negative but we still decided that we will all do quarantine when my father tested positive) and reading them again is as amazing as the first time. They have kept me company as I watched the beach from my window 🥺

Hope you are doing great and you succeed in everything you have set your mind into. Please drink lots of water!!

oh!! thank you for this and also the compliment :o i never reread my fics so i'm actually very happy to hear that they hold up the second time through !!! and also im glad youre negative <3<3<3

as for the questions, i've already answered N here!

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

“I love you!” Anakin states, a mix of angry, frantic, and hurt. “Of course that’s enough! We’ve been dating for four years! People--” People get married after less time, he has started to say. But he has to cut himself off. He has to not go there. Not now. Not until he can fix whatever doubts Obi-Wan has thought up that are making him say such absolute fucking shit. “Obi,” he tries in a softer voice, stepping forward until he can put his hand on his arm. “Baby, you know I’ve loved you since I was five years old. You’re a part of me. Tell me what you need from me, you know I’d do anything for you. How can I make this better?”

Obi-Wan stares down at his hand. When he looks back up, his eyes are distant and cold, as if Anakin’s struck the final nail in the coffin. “Throwing a rock at a kid who made fun of your lisp when we were five isn’t grounds for an actual adult relationship, Anakin.” he says stiffly. “I’ve been thinking about my future. And I think it’s for the best if it doesn’t involve you. And if yours doesn’t involve me. For...a little while, I don't know.”

Anakin drops his hand away, but he doesn’t even mean to. He just can’t feel it anymore.

“But I love you,” he says, and then he regrets saying it because it feels too raw and vulnerable of an admission when Obi-Wan’s looking at him like that. But what else can he say?

“I applied to the Jedi Temple University in January.” Obi-Wan sounds so distant, like breaking up with Anakin is just one of the things on his to-do list and he’s already wondering about the sales at the grocery store. “It was a long shot, but I got in.”

Anakin stares at him.

“And I know you got into the University of Naboo with a really good scholarship. Your mom told me. It has one of the best architecture programs in the entire world, Anakin. Coruscant College...we never should have even applied. I don’t know what we were thinking--”

Anakin was thinking that he wanted to be with Obi-Wan for the rest of his life. Anakin was thinking Coruscant College had good programs for both of what they wanted to do, was not too far away from their parents, was comparatively cheap--Anakin was thinking that he would have followed Obi-Wan anywhere the boy went.

It's a bit long so sorry about that but this is from how to say someone's name like it's just a string of letters ! i think it's one of my favorite fics, but i like this bit specifically because i've never written an obikin break up before other than this and i think it's very sad. but also i think if you reread it after you read why obi-wan broke up with anakin, you can see the reasons reflected in the dialogue! when i was writing it, i knew from the beginning what the reason would be so i was trying to give anakin the grounds of being absolutely devastated by the break up but then leave space for someone to then understand why obi-wan was saying what he was saying :>

[actualbird]

not tot related just me getting VERY anxious so it's not too important so i can actually use a read more haha: is anybody else like me irt needing at LEAST five things to be happening at once for like, productivity to happen?

back in january, no joke, i was once sewing an entire dress while transcribing a 2hour zoom call (freelance work) WHILE writing fanfiction. and i got all those things done when they needed to be done. but that was me unemployed. things r different when employed, yea?

in my last job (which is very very very corporate and also sucked) i had a hard time for a lot of reasons but one of them is bc i had to be doing one thing at a time, on the job. theres no space for me to open a new tab for something interesting, every task took up so much space for that. not only did that make me sad as fuck, it also just did NOT activate my brain. brain was like, "the activity quota hasnt been reached, we dont turn on yet!!" and im pointing at the task like BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS and brain is like "tough luck, scrub!!!" i was working so slowly and so badly lmao.

current job is a lot more flexible tho in like, every way. flexi hours as long as i timekeep everything right but bros, i have a timekeep topic thats labeled "personal development" which is basically "theres nothing for me to do" and when i checked my prev salary, those hours were still included in my work hours. what? anyway, a bunch of coworkers have shared that they sometimes play video games or the like while working, bc of focus issues like me. and so i feel p safe doing the same shit, i get all my work tasks done alongside writing thousands of words of tot fandom bullshit and doing tot dailies and petting luke plush.

i cannot stress enough that being able to do this allows me to work better. my writing for both work and fandom bullshit is just....much more lively. and the amount of shit i write for both work and fandom daily? you dont wanna know. it's a LOT. and i work faster too!! i have to overtime every once in a while in this job, but it's more often i find myself with personal development time because i managed to finish so much ahead of time. and most of the time i feel GOOD. most of the time this FEELS GREAT. i feel energized and happy with the stuff im making

but now im getting worried (typical) that maybe im just being lazy????

like idk, i believe in "work smart, not hard" and "work with your brain quirks, not against them" but WHAT IF I COULD BE DOING THINGS IN A MORE STREAMLINED EFFECTIVE PRODUCTIVELY BETTER QUALITY MANNER????

im game to give up feeling "good" if it means i can write faster and better. i have not been diagnosed with ADHD but i have a...suspicion? but idk if it's ADHD or just another facet of bipolar disorder, which i am diagnosed with.

oh god, one huge con of my workstyle is that it is messy. i get everything done but sometimes people need to yank me back and ask me where a certain thing is because it slipped through the cracks and i forgot about it and oh god. im not feeling very okay anymore but mY POINT MY POINT IS!!

PPL WITH SIMILAR OR DIFFERENT BRAINS, DO U HAVE THOUGHTS??? am i fucking insane? do i need to things better? should i eat soil? why did god make me like this?

i wrote this post with 3 devices open

[hermannsthumb]

Hermann preparing for date night with Newt by selecting where to eat solely by what he has a coupon for. Or, ya know, frugal connoisseur Hermann. <3 ksci

inspired by a convo re: the fact that ksci @k-sci-janitor likes to make fun of me for never letting a coupon go to waste even if it means walking like 2 miles in the cold to use it :/ like im gonna NOT get a free Baja blast. (there is one small little allusion to some M rated stuff towards the end in this)

-------------------

It’s not a rare occurrence that Hermann will treat Newt to dinner when the mood of dining out strikes them, but the point is that he’s doing it in a way that’s supremely…shifty tonight. Well, maybe not shifty. Weird? For one thing, he didn’t tell Newt where they were going until they were already on the bus headed there, for another, it’s their sharing-a-lab-anniversary, which tradition dictates they evenly split a bill (even if the origins have more to do with both trying to show up the other and take advantage and order the most expensive shit on the menu). The weirdest thing is definitely that, when Hermann got up to pay the bill five minutes ago—a small, folded piece of paper clutched in his hand—he left his wallet laying next to his wine glass on the table.

Newt stirs his straw around in his cup of soda, clinking ice cubes against the sides, and squints at the wallet. Did Hermann bring cash to pay with? He could’ve stuck some in his pockets without Newt seeing, or his bank card, even, which would explain the forlorn wallet. Or maybe forgetting the wallet was totally an accident, and he’ll be back in a few seconds to pick it up and pay for real when he realizes. That’s probably it.

When Hermann comes back to their table, though, he doesn’t bother with his wallet—he takes his seat, picks up his wine glass, and tips it at Newt. “That was quite lovely, wasn’t it?”

Newt hums. “It was.”

“I quite liked the fish I got,” Hermann says.

“I loved my noodles,” Newt says. “We should try to copy the recipe back at the base.” He sets his straw delicately on the table. “How’d you pay without your wallet?”

“My wallet?” Hermann says. He makes a show of catching sight of the wallet, arches his eyebrows in mock surprise, and picks it up. Here we go. “Oh, goodness. Did I forget this? Well—it’s not as if I needed it…” He tucks it neatly into his inner jacket pocket.

“Hermann,” Newt says, rolling his eyes. “What’d you do, get a hundred-percent discount by reminding them we saved the world a few months ago?” Hermann shakes his head, and takes a long sip of his wine. “Did you write a check? Did you pretend we got food poisoning or something?” Hermann shakes his head again, and this time, his mouth begins to creep up into a smug smile. Newt remembers the piece of paper. “Dude. You got us a fucking Groupon. No wonder you were being so weird about what I was ordering!”

(“I think we ought to stick with the entrees labelled B, Newton,” Hermann had said, flipping a page forward in Newt’s menu. “They look—er—far better.”

“More expensive,” Newt had said.

“What’s it matter? I’m paying.” Hermann had pointed at the noodle dish Newt had ended up getting. “Look, I reckon you’d like that.”)

Hermann finally grins triumphantly. “I did—and saved us quite a decent from our ‘date night’ fund. Pity it didn’t extend to dessert, I suppose, but we could always find some ice cream at the commissary later.”

Newt can’t even pretend to be exasperated. The noodles rocked. And they would’ve rocked even more if he knew that Hermann was saving them a few bucks. “You’re such a weirdo,” Newt says, shaking his head, though he’s mirroring Hermann’s grin. “Is that why you picked this place?”

“Not entirely,” Hermann says. He takes a long, slow sip of his wine. “Mostly I picked it to make a point.”

“About?”

“About my being right.”

Newt sighs. Only Hermann would dredge up old arguments on Lab Anniversary Night. It wasn’t even an argument, really—all that happened was that Hermann asked Newt to hand him his glasses cleaning cloth from his parka, and it took Newt almost ten minutes because Hermann’s pockets were so jam-packed with a million little coupons for everything from granola bars (which they can get from the mess hall for free) to mouthwash (which Newt can snag from the commissary, also for free, whenever they need it) that he couldn’t find anything but. A majority of them were expired. Then Newt remarked on how Hermann was nuts, and Hermann remarked on how Newt didn’t understand the value of making smart financial decisions, and they went back and forth for a bit like that. This was a whole week ago, too. In terms of Newt and Hermann arguments, that’s more than ancient history. “Are we really talking about the fucking coupons now?” Newt says.

“Frugality pays off,” Hermann says, cryptically. “Now we really ought to head out. The forecast is calling for rain, and I don’t fancy getting caught in it.”

They get caught in the rain anyway. Newt invites himself over to Hermann’s bunk to dry off, because Hermann bought a space heater back when they were stationed in Russia, and it travelled with him here to aid through the long nights of overpowering A/C. Right now, it’s aiding Newt through stripping out of his wet clothes. When he’s down to just his boxers, he snags the quilt from Hermann’s bed, and waits for him to finish up in his little en suite bathroom to hopefully catch a hot shower. One of the unexpected side effects of the world not ending and most nonessential personnel leaving the ‘dome in doves is that they almost never run out of hot water anymore. Newt can take a shower at midnight and not freeze his ass off. It’s awesome, really.

Hermann emerges from the bathroom in a dorky little pair of pajamas, a dressing gown knotted at his waist. “Oh, Newton,” he sighs, and prods at Newt’s blanket cocoon with his cane, “not my grandmother’s quilt.”

“I’m dry!” Newt says. “Mostly!”

He gives up the quilt to Hermann and ducks into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He stuck a spare toothbrush in the medicine cabinet at some point, for when he was too sleepy and lazy after makeout sessions to go back to his bunk, and sure enough he finds it alongside a suspiciously generic-looking tube of toothpaste. It doesn’t even have a label. He doesn’t think much of it until he starts to use it, which is when he immediately gags and begins to rinse his mouth out with hot water. “What the hell is this toothpaste?” he chokes out. “It tastes—awful.”

“Ah,” Hermann says. He ducks his head into the bathroom, looking a bit sheepish. “Well. I found a coupon for that brand, and I know it’s not very, er, pleasant, but—I saved forty percent, Newton.” Newt continues to rinse his mouth out, this time adding some mouthwash into the mix. “Oh, really, now you’re just being dramatic. It’s only toothpaste.”

“Dude,” Newt says. “I feel like I just rubbed, like, acid cement all over my gums.”

“Ah,” Hermann repeats, guiltily.

A bit later, Newt goes in to kiss Hermann goodnight as they settle into Hermann’s bed together, but pulls back with a sad little pout when Hermann merely flinches away from him. “Oh, Newton, I’m sorry,” Hermann says, quickly wrapping his arms around Newt and kissing his neck. It softens the blow somewhat. “It’s that bloody toothpaste. You still smell like it. You’re right, it’s rubbish.”

“Tell you what,” Newt says, grumpily. “I’ll buy you a brand new tube tomorrow. My treat.”

Newt mostly forgets about the coupon thing for a bit. The odd little item crops up in the lab that makes him roll his eyes fondly at Hermann, but nothing as major as the Groupon or toothpaste. Hermann’s preferred tea brand swapped out for something Newt’s never heard of in a flavor that Hermann clearly detests, if his face when he drinks it is anything to go by, for example, the chocolate digestives Hermann keeps in his desk replaced with plain ones, his new box of chalk all in a salmony shade of pink and weak enough to snap apart under his fingers if he presses down too hard on his chalkboard. When Newt asks about the changes, the answer’s always the same: Hermann had a coupon for them, or they were less expensive than his usual. Newt just wishes he could understand where this sudden bought of thriftiness came from. It’s not like it was back during the war, where they had to pinch pennies and save in every area they could if they wanted to supplement their nonexistent funding. They’re actually getting paychecks now, on behalf of the UN’s guilty conscience! They have free room and board! They even put a few neat bucks away from some (heavily-redacted) interviews they did back in late January.

What Newt’s getting at is Hermann doesn’t have to limit them ordering out sushi to only places with free delivery on date nights, or skimp on his pizza toppings (four-topping down to two) so they can use a better coupon, or buy any of those subpar teabags or digestives or toothpaste tubes. But he just…is.

The tipping point occurs on a Saturday night about a month after the Groupon incident.

“Nn. Hermann. Do that again.”

“Do—?"

“Yeah.” Newt groans, turning his head to the side. “Oh, shit.”

“Newton—” Hermann kisses his throat. “Newton, you’re—”

“Wait.” Newt pauses. “What is that?”

“Oh, er.” Hermann pulls his hand away. “You mean the—the—?”

“Yeah. It feels…weird.” He frowns. “That is not what we used last time.”

“Oh. No. It isn’t.” Hermann clears his throat. “Well, Newton—see—we were out, so I thought I’d—I’d buy a larger bottle, to last us longer, and I happened to find a coupon for this lovely—er—gallon-sized—”

“You’re kidding,” Newt says.

“Only I thought it was a very frugal purchase,” Hermann says. “We do tend to, er, burn through it rather quickly.”

Newt rolls away from him. “Dude. We need to have a talk.”

Some brief amount of time later, they sit together on the end of Hermann’s bed, clad in their pajama bottoms and, in Hermann’s case, one of Newt’s sweatshirts. Newt waits until Hermann meets his eyes blushingly before he proceeds. “What is up with you lately?” he says. “You’ve been acting so—weird. Weirder than usual,” he amends. “Since when have you cared about saving a couple bucks on random shit like pizza?”

Hermann fidgets, and sighs, and finally reaches to pull open the drawer of his nightstand. He retrieves a piece of paper folded into quadrants, and for a wild moment Newt thinks it might be another Groupon. “Oh, I wanted it to be a surprise,” Hermann says. “I was going to wait until it was all finalized—but it’s close enough now, so I suppose there’s no harm in it.” He thrusts the paper out at Newt, and Newt—still wondering if it’s not another Groupon—unfolds it with surprise to find what looks like a flight itinerary. Two tickets for Hong Kong to Boston, with a short layover; then two more tickets a week after they land for a short trip from Boston to some town in Maine Newt recognizes as being seaside. They’re made out to Hermann Gottlieb and Newton Geiszler and purchased a little over a week ago.

“You kept telling me you wanted me to meet your father,” Hermann says, and rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “And—I thought it might be nice, to have an—er—vacation, for a few days. We’ve certainly earned one. And it’s not as if we have any truly pressing obligations at the moment that can’t be put on hold for a week or two. I was planning on booking us a little cottage up in Maine—or maybe just a hotel room, I hadn’t decided—but we don’t have to if you don’t—”

“And you’ve been saving up for it?” Newt interrupts.

“For a few months now,” Hermann says. “Since February, in fact.”

“And that’s why…?”

The tips of Hermann’s ears turn red. “Every penny helped,” he says.

Newt carefully re-folds the itinerary, sets it aside, and then kisses Hermann soundly. It would be safe to say that Hermann’s thoughtful, romantic moods tend to be on the spontaneous side, probably as spontaneous as they are in Newt, so when one strikes Hermann (and in such a perfectly Hermann way as this one) Newt doesn’t like to take it for granted. “Of course I wanna go on vacation with you,” Newt says. “You rock. Seriously.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Hermann says, looking pleased.

[shroomtalker]

ghostbur and dsmp!wilbur thoughts...

hello! this is being written at almost 5 am so super sorry if i don’t explain things well or it’s shorter than my last dsmp theory post. i’m using my last few brain cells to write this so, here we go! obvious spoiler warning ahead. :)

trigger warnings: death

How Ghostbur and DSMP!Wilbur split in half

we know from tommy's stream of dream being put in prison and the finale for season two, dsmp!wilbur has no recollection of who ghostbur is and calls him "some guy" and a lunatic. wilbur, the version we know that blew up l'manberg, is in the after life. but this leaves the question to.. who was ghostbur? or what was ghostbur?

after the inevtibale destruction of manberg/l'manberg (nov. 16th), dsmp!wilbur asked dsmp!philza to kill him on the spot. there is a lot of intrepertations of how phil ultimately killed him with his sword, however i will be going with the stab to the heart.

wilbur went corrupt. he lost his way and drove down to madness that lead to the end of something he created. something he soon realized was no longer a place of freedom, but more a political armageddon. but.. the wilbur we knew before his demise was caring to say the least. he was charismatic and realistic in the fight of rebellion against the greater dream smp and against dream himself. he was actually.. nice?

ghostbur is a very optimistic person with a couple of flaws (one of them being his lack of memory of what happened when he was alive). he cherished books that were from the past and had sentimental value. he saw everyone as friendly! i mean his sheep was named friend!

when dsmp!phil took his blade through wilbur's heart, a once distorted soul split into two. the past and the corrupt. ghostbur represents who wilbur was and alivebur who is now confirmed to be in the after life this entire time represents the person we knew. the person tommy, knew. when he died, the two halves of his heart fell out of place before they could go back to being one, which resulted into ghostbur being thrown into the mortal world while alivebur was kicking back. this would also make sense for ghostbur's memory. he stated in one of tommy's live streams that he remembers everything up until the election and a few spotty fragments of pogtopia. wilbur went corrupt during the pogtopia arc and the only "true" wilbur we knew was during the beginning of the disc saga.

But, what was Ghostbur's purpose?

ghostbur was a collector of some sorts; he held onto books like i mentioned before that held value. emotional, value. lets not also forget what blue means. when fundy asked what blue meant, ghostbur replies with something along the lines of, "blue is first transparent, then it sucks up all your sadness so it turns blue!"

ghostbur was known to pass around blue. a lot. quite frequently might i add too. he was doing this for closure. dsmp!wilbur never wanted to become corrupt. it only lead to his demise. but he realized that there was no other choice than to blow everything up. blowing up the remnants of pain solves all your problems, huh?

ghostbur can also be looked at being a sort of coping mechanism for dsmp!tommy, who really struggled with the death of dsmp!wilbur. the kid even said l'manberg was all he had LEFT of him. ghostbur being around tommy gave him a sense of security that he could no longer latch onto the more tubbo became political and the distrust errupting between their friendship. once the disc saga was finally done.. ghostbur left. his purpose was done. he helped tommy get through the pain to achieve a life time goal: getting the discs back.

i would also like to add when dsmp!wilbur said he didn't want to come back adn rather stay in the after life makes perfect sense for him. his main goal was blowing up l'manberg when he realized that it can no longer be what it was for, a place where man can do whatever he please. once destroying it, he asked phil to kill him because:

A) can't handle the pain anymore and needed to be taken out of his misery. B) he accomplished his goal and there was nothing more to be done, so death was the only option.

im super sorry if this one was really sad towards the end, i just wanted to share my thoughts since season three of the smp is kicking and wanted to close some of my theories. this was really fun to write so i hope you all enjoyed! again, if you have any questions/suggestions/anything to add on, please send me a message! <3

--- written January 31st, 2021 - February 1st, 2021.

[therapybabbie]

writing this down so i can know what to expect for my next breakup and that every bad feeling is temporary............

this wasnt a normal breakup so its a little less straightforward, but im counting the end of november as when we “broke up.” we hadnt been together officially since april and we hadnt slept together at all since the beginning of november, and we didnt stop hanging out completely til mid-december, but the end of november is when i feel that i truly 100% accepted that not only did i not want to be with this person right now, but i NEVER WOULD bc of things he had done that i finally realized were unforgiveable.

end of november - end of january (first 2 months): absolute hell on earth, withdrawal symptoms, couldnt stop myself from talking to him sometimes. waking up crying all the time, either crying for myself and how he treated me or crying for him and his fucked up life and being worried about him. also still doing drugs. couldnt go on any dates without talking about him. tried to have some sort of “relationship” with another guy for about 2 weeks but i just felt like i was recreating my relationship with my ex and i couldnt do anything sexual w him bc it felt wrong and i didnt want to.

after 2 months: started to get real fuckin pissed off. texted michael a long list of things he did to me and was really mean, etc. then regretted it. then started to make peace with the fact that we shouldnt talk to each other at all for a very long time. but at this point i was still holding out hope that we’d talk again eventually (during no part of this process did i want to get back together though, i got rid of those feelings prior to november)

beginning of march - mid-april (3 months-4 months after) just pure blinding anger and rage, but with no more urge to reach out to him about it bc i know he wont help. still nightmares about him every once in a while but very rare. he was still the first thing i thought of every morning, but it wasnt sadness or missing him anymore. now its just annoyance that i have to think about this, or anger that he did this to me. still hope we’ll talk again eventually and he’ll apologize to me, but i’m no longer expecting any messages from him to pop up on my phone. i never look at my phone hoping to see his name, which is a huge relief.

late april - now (mid-may) (4-5 months after) he’s not the first thing i think of in the morning. i have at least one or two other thoughts first, which is nice. i hardly even look at his social media anymore bc thinking about him mostly makes me feel sick. i cant even imagine texting or talking to him at this point, even if i were blind drunk. the only social media of his i ever look at really is spotify and its just so i can feel a little happy if hes listening to a lot of sad music bc i want his current relationship to be going poorly (sorry...), not even bc i am jealous in the way that i want him back (i do not), but more that i am jealous he gets to be with someone right now and i don’t bc he was the one who treated me so badly in our relationship and it feels unfair. if i were to look at a picture of him, i’d probably still feel sad but i no longer have the urge to do this. i kind of hope we’ll talk again but mostly bc i still feel he wronged me and owes me an apology, not bc i want us to “be on good terms. a big part of me also knows that by the time i’d be in a position to talk to him again, i probably won’t care very much whether we do or not. i no longer care about his opinion of me bc my opinion of him at this point is pretty low. i wouldn’t say i forgive him at all, i’m still mad when i think of how he treated me, but i mostly just feel kind of sorry for or even contemptuous towards him. im a lot more comfortable being alone and no longer feel the need to go on dates unless i really really want to. i have things to focus on that are boring but still make me happy, like changing my diet, learning to cook, exercising again, etc. i don’t even want to meet someone quite yet, even if they were perfect for me, bc i want to get comfortable working on these things about myself first. its like the void that michael left is almost all the way filled, and once it is and i feel like myself again, i think i’ll be ready to find someone new.