#ALSO I HAD LIKE 3 ASKS I WAS WORKING ON BUT MY COMPUTER DIED SPONTANEOUSLY AND I LOST THEM IM SO MAD

[cognitosclowns]

OK BUT HERES THE THING : if A.B was to change his body, what do you think he'd do with it?

OKAY I COULD LITERALLY TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT FOR HOURS ANON, SO BUCKLE UP

tw : bugs, body horror + violence/gore, religious references

THERES REALLY A FUCKTON OF AVENUES WE COULD GO HERE???

because Human idea of 'body' vs how a superintelligent AI would want his form to look are two very different things

he may not even want something that looks humanoid?

he does consider himself completely superior after all! Why would he have any attachments to a sapien body?

his comment about a '50ft tall robot body [he] could use to murder all humans' was probably just light teasing, BUT I FEEL LIKE HE'D KINDA DIG THAT???

Something sleek and mobile though - he's been kept confined for much too long. In the finale, he even gave himself fucking spider legs?? He wants to be able to move and move fast

SO IM THROWIN INTO THE RING???? centipede

just,, this massive thing of wrought iron - maybe 15-20 meters? 30?

Arms upon arms upon fucking arms, latching and grabbing, completely obliterating everything in his path <3 fingers the size of streetlights. Maybe those Fractal Eyes that flies have?? He wants a good view of those he maims. the joys of Godhood, he doesn't need to limit himself <3

probably some variation of wings too?? maybe the arms will,, congeal together into some Horrid Winged Beast?

Be Not Afraid type of shit <333333

EVEN OUTSIDE OF SOME,, ELDRITCH ABOMINATION I LOVE THE IDEA OF HIM,, KEEPING THE EXPOSED BITS OF METAL HERE AND THERE??

He isn't human. He knows he isn't human. Everyone else knows he isn't human. Why pretend he is?

He loves the look of exposed metal contrasted against his faux-skin. I could see him having exposed metal for his nails, or maybe stripping his tongue into smth,, that looks shiny and metallic? Taking 'silver tongued' to the literal sense

Or maybe just little details that feel,, a Little Off??? Fingers too long. Or maybe ones with too many joints that curl up like snail shells. Two-three-four rows of teeth. Eyes that open too wide, just nearly showing off the edge off circuitry to the careful observer. A combination of Little Eldritch Things to scare the fuck out of anyone paying attention.

ON A KINDA SEPARATE NOTE :

I really don't think he sees Reagan as like,, a mother or anything? She built him, sure, but he sees it the same way as someone building a table :

you've assembled parts into something, but that thing you've created has no 'ties' to you? like how if you create a sculpture, you aren't it's parent, you're its creator. He sees a distinction between the two.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY,,, i don't think he'd want to mimic her appearance, or try to make himself look like they could be related?? If smb suggested it he'd probably be disgusted - A God doesn't mimic the ants they plan to crush under their heel.

MAYBE HE'LL JUST DECIDE HIS CURRENT FORM IS MOSTLY GOOD ENOUGH AS IS??? Like if he gets past his whole 'obliterate humanity' thing!

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE'D PERCEIVE HIS AGE???

Because like he's Immortal and all that but also,, very young in terms of when he was first activated?? He could definitely tank himself down to looking like,, idk in his 30s-40s if he really wanted tom but I don't think he would??

I think he'd like the Sophisticated, Aged look <3

side note? he KNOWS the white streak in his hair fucks monstrously, so he's 100% not getting rid of that lmao. That's probably the one consistent element of all his looks.

On the same note? He really likes the eyes.

He might switch em out a few times at first - green is nice, but the icey blue adds a little

I think he'd add a bit more height?? I mean fuck he's been having crane his neck for the last year??? half-year?? it doesn't hurt but it's sure as hell annoying.

6'3? 6'6? he's not gonna fuckin Dimitrescu himself but he's,, getting a boost.

He likes the bulk of his current form?? He feels sturdy <3 might add a touch more to the arms and shoulders, just to Broaden Himself Out?? He wants people to feel his presence when he walks in a room.

He'd probably mess with the bone structure a bit - nothing too drastic, he does like his current look. Just enough that he looks like His Own Separate Person.

Yknow what?? I could definitely see him having,, Different Bodies that he'll swap out?? Like a walk-in closet but it's all skin suits-

Smth with a bit more youth, some more feminine forms, different bone structures he found particularly attractive, etc- if he has the option to modify his body he's gonna give himself OPTIONS.

THESE ARE JUST A FEW IDEAS!!! <333 ive been thinkin about this so much lately oml smdnsmdn

[salami2]

Ch. 2 - Vecna’s Curse

Eddie Munson x fem!reader

Summary - When news of Chrissy Cunningham’s death, you and the gang find Eddie alone in an abounded drug dealers house. Now, you have to stay together and protect him, but somehow, the two of you learn things about each-other and grow closer…

w/c - 1.7k a:n - this chapter so far has my favourite scene i’ve ever written :) also, less Munson x reader but dw! we’ll get there

Warning(s) - spoilers for ep.2, guns, death, murder, bleeding, Eddie almsot killing Steve, blood.

Chapter List - Ch.1 , Ch.3 , Ch.4 , Ch.5 , Ch.6

You couldn’t believe it. Your eyes were deceiving you, you thought. There’s no way this could happen…

The grainy television inside your class were only distant voices compared to the headline.

‘Girl found Murdered at Hawkins trailer park’

You excused yourself from the class, making a quick getaway from the front doors of the school as fast as your skates could take you.

The wheels felt like they could be on fire from how fast you were going. Speeding like a racecar who’s about to lose the race. Your mind was set on going to one place: Family Rental. To see if Steve was okay.

Hawkins, Indiana is the smallest town you’ve ever known. Well, technically it’s the only town you’ve ever known. Been living here your whole life. But you know damn well no murderers live in Hawkins.

Any human ones, at least.

You swung open the doors of ‘Family Video’. Steve and Robin whipped his head around in confusion then worried.

“Y/N, what are you doing here? It’s dangerous, if you need to be picked up I-“

“Thank you, Steve- do you know whose trailer that was?“ “No, why?” He asked. You skated over to the computer, trying to start it and get it working.

“This isn't normal. Over the past 3 years, when have spontaneous murders ever happened at Hawkins? If it’s what I think it is, we need to find where the murder took place and start investigating.”

Everything was silent. Until the doors swung open, once again. There stood Max and Dustin. Their eyes laid on you, and a once confused Steve became confused once again.

“Nine! You got the same idea, too?”

You nodded, not entirely sure where to start. Dustin slid over the counter, furiating Steve and Robin. They both curse at Dustin as he heads to the computers.

“We need to find Eddie,” Dustin says, “He could be in serious trouble!”

“Wait, why are we trying to find Eddie?” You asked, curious as to why they brought up that boy's name.

“That trailer was his. Chrissy died in his trailer and now he’s a convicted murderer. We need to find him to see if he’s alright.”

Your heart started pounding a mile a minute. It felt like time was slowing down. Not only was someone you had just been with last night falsely accused, he’ll be hunted like a witch.

A cold sweat broke out on your forehead. Finding yourself praying he’s safe and sound.

“I need… I need a TV and some chords!”

The door of the abandoned house creaked open. Everyone's eyes looked around the messy surroundings, as Steve would put it.

“So… this is where Eddies been?”

Steve asked, carefully treading inside. Robin and Max pointed out empty cans and trash bags.

He grabbed an oar and started poking and prodding around. Sighing at your brothers idiotic antics once again. “Steve, what the hell are you doing? You could hurt Eddie if you're not careful.”

He scoffed. “Y/N, don’t worry. I’m sure your little friend would be fine.”

You drag the tv inside. Fixing it up with a special headset.

“Hey, don’t worry, guys. Steve will save us with his big, long oar! He’ll save us from any danger here!” Dustin jokes.

“Please Henderson, half of us here have had our lives in danger more than once. This kid can’t do anything to us that we haven’t been against-“

A tarp Steve was jabbing up flew up, revealing a hiding Eddie. He grabbed him by the collar, shoving him against the wall with a shattered bottle against his throat. Everyone went into high alert mode as you dug around in your backpack to grab something.

“EDDIE! STOP, PLEASE, CALM DOWN, WE’RE NOT HERE TO HURT YOU!”

Dustin exclaimed, trying to stop Eddie from cutting Steve’s throat. “We’re here to help you, right guys- NINE Y/N WHAT THE HELL!?”

You had your eyes on Eddie, who was currently looking scared out of his mind.

A loaded shotgun was in your hands, pointing directly at the boy's head. Everyone was completely stunned at what was happening. Eddie's mouth agape.

“Let go of my GODDAMN BROTHER!” You shouted, unwilling to move from your position. Eyes steady on that Munson boy.

“If you let go, I won’t shoot and put the gun away. But if you don’t… don’t expect me to hold back.”

Dustin spoke up. “Eddie, we’re on your side. This is Robin, from band! This is Max, the one who never wants to play D&D, that’s Steve- And the one about to kill you you already know, Y/N. Just… please. Let go and we can talk.”

He hesitated. Eddie let go of his grip on Steve and sat down. You tucked the gun in your backpack, still keeping an eye on Eddie.

Steve came up to you and gave you a pat on the back. As if to say ‘thanks’.

“Eddie… We’re just here to help. Tell us what happened that night. I promise, we’ll believe you…”

He scoffed, lips trembling. His body was crouched, like he became a ball. He wasn’t ready to fight. You felt sorry for him, looking like a shivering puppy.

“You wouldn’t believe me…” he mumbled, hiding his face.

“Try us.” Your voice called out.

Both your [E/C] eyes and his round, brown doe eyes didn’t stray away. As if communicating telepathically, you awkwardly looked away. As if to say a quiet ‘sorry’.

He spilled his guts out to you. The situation with Chrissy, drug deals, her body contorting as she died right in front of him. Your heart broke for Eddie. You knew that facing the demogorgon was traumatic for everyone who first experiences it, but for him, he was completely innocent in it. I mean, everyone is. But you thought how nobody else should have gotten involved.

“… You all think this is bullshit, huh?” He asked, looking away.

“No, we believe you.” Robin said. “Don’t bullshit me man!” he exclaimed back.

“We’re not.” You protested, inching closer towards him. He jerked back, a little afraid of what you’d do to him. In good faith, you put your hands up, coming in peace.

“Look,” Dustin said, “Y/N- no, Nine is going to need to do something to you so we can see what happened that night.”

“It’s not going to hurt,” you quickly reassured, “But I just… need you to keep quiet about what I’m about to do. If word got out, my life could be on the line. I’m not joking about it.”

His cute, confused expression was evident. You slid on a monitored net on his head, secured tightly and synced to the busted television. You took a seat, taking a deep breath.

It’s been so long since you’ve done this. Shaking, you decided to take his hands. Holding them out for him.

When he slid his cold, ringed hand you felt it again. The perfect fit, like last night.

Focusing, you start using your powers.

Static showed on the screen what he had seen that night. His eyes were wide, like a frightened deer. Though you couldn’t see. Since yours was firmly shut, trying to show everyone what you can see.

Eddie felt like his trauma was replaying once again. It couldn’t be… how is this happening?

How was Y/N doing this?

You got to the moment where Chrissy hit the floor when you gave out, exasperated. You let go of his hands and slumped in your chair.

A stream of blood trailing down from your left nostril.

Robin gave you a tissue as Dustin took noted on what happened.

“Holy shit-“ Eddie gasped. “What just happened? How did you do that? Is she like… a wizard??”

So much confusion circulated his brain. But one thing was for sure:

That was the coolest shit he’s ever seen!

“Yeah, she’s great.” Dustin chuckled, as you gave him the best sloppy high five you could muster.

“I can’t believe I actually stayed…”

You mumbled under your breath, leaning against the cold exterior of an unused boat. An arm over your shut eyes.

Currently, you were sitting in the house that Eddie was staying in while a certain red car swiftly got away. That car was Steves. And all of your friends had asked you to stay with Eddie while they try to solve the mystery. Asking for your help when everything was figured out.

Eddie gazed at you, starstruck, from across the room.

He walks up to you and sits next to you, in a childish manner.

“So, uh,” he speaks, prompting you to look at him, “I have, like, a shit ton of questions.” he states.

You giggle. “And what are they?” You ask.

“Ok, first off: YOU HAVE SUPER POWERS!?”

You burst out laughing. It had been a while since you got a reaction like that. A genuine smile forming on both of your faces.

“Well, yeah. Reading people's minds is just one. But, if I try hard enough…”

You look dead- locked on a toppled can of empty soda. Hand reaching out as if to have grabbed it. After a moment or trying, the can started to rattle in its place, slowly but surely lifting off the ground. Causing Eddie to stand up shocked. Spewing out a long line of curses in amazement.

“Holy SHIT- That’s fucking metal!” He shouts, jumping up and down a bit.

You laughed, cleaning up the bit of blood. “Ok, ok, next question: why does Henderson call you Nine?”

Pausing, you showed your wrist to him. A faded tattoo reading ‘009’ shown. He made an ‘o’ with his mouth. “A little weird to get a numbered tattoo. Like you're some sort of war prisoner.”

You decided now was not the time to tell him. You weren’t exactly sure how he would take you being a Hawkins Lab escapee that had to undergo traumatic tests every day from your birth.

“Last, and final one: Why the hell do you carry a shotgun around??”

“Self defense. If I’m ever in a situation where I can’t use my hands or powers. It’s just something I’ve always had, ever since 83’”

He nodded, licking his lips.

“Are you satisfied?” You smiled. He gave you one of his dorky ones.

“Somewhat. But, we should do this more often.” He said. You raised an eyebrow. “Do what?” You wondered.

“Talk. You have a nice voice.”

Sputtering on your words, you didn’t know what to say. Placing a hand on your cheek. Yep, you were blushing alright.

“Ever the charmer, Munson. Ever the charmer…”

@salami2 , pls like & reblog

[lolibles]

playing video games with them| anemo boys <3

characters: kazuha, xiao and venti

very fluffy, a little suggestive in kazuha’s part, slight slight angst for xiao, crack

synopsis: what games you play with them, how they act with you!

not proofread please don’t sue me this is also very random :)

kazuha

playing stardew valley and animal crossing with kazuha is my life goal that will never be fulfilled please cry with me. anyway, just imagine cuddling on the sofa under a thick blanket on a cold rainy day with cups of hot chocolate or tea whilst playing stardew valley. the both of you work through the first year slowly as little farmers doing cute little farm things. also if you ever chose to get into a relationship with any of the npcs in the game kazuha will not be happy, he’d definitely not talk to that particular npc because he is now kazuha’s “sworn enemy”. he will also be a pouty baby, so please apologise and give him kisses. and if you REALLY want to make it up to him, ask him to marry you in animal crossing and this man will be on his knees in a split second. he’d prepare EVERYTHING, from the venue, the guests, he’d even attempt to design his own tux for his little character to wear. and you guys would have such an adorable animal crossing wedding. also because kissing in game is not enough, he’d probably kiss you irl when the wedding officiant says you may now kiss the xx. honestly i see kazuha even going out spontaneously to buy you a promise ring with a little maple leaf engraved in it for you. yes it was an animal crossing wedding, but it was a wedding non the less. playing minecraft with kazuha please, its so fucking wholesome- he’s so good at the game and he doesn’t even try. he knows all the tricks and he’s so sexy with redstone you cant convince me otherwise. he’s also an amazing builder pls wtf. AND OH MY GOD, imagine playing the sims4 with kazuha, he’d literally cry inside. you both would sit next to each other in front of the computer screen for hours just designing your characters. and you would have a little cat too. everytime kazuha’s character flirted with yours, he will definitely shoot you one of his romantic haikus. also the first time your characters woohoo’ed, he most likely would have teased you and said “its unfair that only they get to woohoo you know.” anyway i think playing wholesome games with kazuha is 10 bells out of 10 bells.

xiao

now this one is kinda scary. i think its pretty obvious that xiao plays shooter games honestly. or anything that has to do with fighting. it wasn’t unusual to hear him literally SCREAM randomly throughout the day because of a game. if you ever play shooter games with this aggressive boy, please proceed with caution. i honestly feel like he would be so caught up in the heat of the moment he’d actually forget he was playing with you. so if he ends up getting angry, please bare with him- he honestly doesn’t mean to call you bad, or useless, or trash… I SWEAR. xiao will immediately regret his words and he’d feel so bad. especially after he notices how your mood just instantly dies. he’d feel so bad, even after he apologised and you forgave him, he can’t accept the fact that he just called you- the love of his life something so vulgar. and since he’s so awkward and bad with people he’d literally feel like crying on the spot. he wouldn’t know what to do to make it up to you. the next few days, xiao was so cautious around you- even if you didn’t think much about the incident anymore. in the end even xiao was unable to stay away from you for too long, and he’d ask you to watch him play games instead- which you happily agreed to. he loves it when you straddle him while he sits in his chair while gaming though he’d never admit it. but whenever you felt him get tense, all you had to do was give him a kiss and you just knew he’d calm down. you literally work magic on him. also occasionally you’d hear some idiots in his party talking shit about him, you wouldn’t think twice before speaking into the microphone and start standing up for him, and your grip around his waist would definitely tighten a lot more. “if i ever hear you talking shit about MY boyfriend one more time, i will literally come in game and beat the absolute fuck out of you.” yassss girlboss! xiao’s heart would explode and his face would be beat red, he thinks he doesn’t deserve you. also he thinks your so sexy standing up for him like that, please don’t tease him about it. i rate him a “please dont scold me im trying my best” out of “FUCK YOU SUCKKKKKK”

venti

oh my god, horror games. he hates them but he can’t stop. playing phasmophobia with him would be incredibly fun, but he would make you do all the work literally. he’d be too scared to do anything- and if you ever got caught with the ghost you’d be stupid to think he’d try to save you. he would be the first one out the door and running away. he’s also so loud, your honestly more likely to get jump scared by his screaming than the actual game. other than that i think venti likes to play the sims4 too, except he’s so chaotic about it. he wants to do challenges and he also wants to make like 10 babies with you even if your sims can’t afford them- cries when they are taken away. has all the packs and just enjoys fucking around with everything- also makes bets with you, like whether your baby is going to be a boy or girl, and if you lose you owe him a kiss or he asks you to do something for him. when he plays with you, he needs to be touching your body at all times. he says it makes him feel safe, and warm. so you just let him. venti also wants to play karaoke games with you, he loves your voice so much- whether you can sing or not he loves it. but he will tease you if you cant. he loves duetting with you, to him it’s something very intimate and close to home. he wants to hold your hand and give them a squeeze as an encouragement when you sing with him. and yes you guys probably have played just dance a few times, but venti gets incredibly tired after one round- so please bare with his annoying ass. i think venti is a solid 8 red bulls out of “ive already drank 15”

guys i was supposed to include aether but his part disappeared and i- </3 i’ll have to rewrite and upload it in a second part!! heh sorry for being gone for so long, anyway i have my presentations tomorrow, a test on thursday and another presentation on friday ;-; wish me luck! ill be back writing in a few days while i suffer rn sghshshsh

also @truegaypotat my love here is some xiao content <3

[avaritia-apotheosis]

Phantom Children Ch. 6

Hi guys! I'm back <3 (also, I'm currently looking for alpha/beta readers for Phantom Children, so if you're interested, feel free to shoot me a message!)

In Which: Danny Attempts to get Answers, Bruce Learns, and Dick Finally Learns What's Inside the Door that Doesn't Exist

AO3 | Prologue | 5 | [ 6 ] | 7

DANNY IS KNOCKED DOWN three, four, eight times on the ice. Each time made his back ache, his bones bruised and tired, and his mind burning with embarrassment and a drive to lash out. But each time he gets back up. Each time he lasts a little bit longer against Talia.

The ice still shifts, cracks and rumbles with every wrong move. Danny learned to roll with it. Move on light feet but attack with a firm stance, gauge which parts of the ice are stable and which should be avoided. Multi-tasking has never been Danny’s strong suit, but he’s good at learning and learning quickly.

Talia corrected his form as much as she beat him down. Exploited every one of his openings until he learned to defend them and praised him whenever he managed to pull one over her. The League’s martial arts was the holy amalgamation between almost every single fighting style there is, mashed and refined to perfection to become almost unpredictable to the untrained. A vast improvement to Danny’s previous ‘fuck around and see what works’ brawling and had the added benefit of meshing together with his spontaneity.

“You are doing well, Daniel,” Talia said as she sheathed her sword, hand resting just above her hip. “You have improved greatly in such a short time, as I have expected.”

It takes every ounce of Danny’s superhuman energy to not collapse to his knees, his every breath a ragged shudder as he tries to get his breathing under control. “Still can’t beat you, though.”

“Very few can boast that feat.”

“I’m not exactly sure if that’s supposed to make me feel any better or not. Do I get my prize at least?”

Tahlia tossed her braid over one shoulder with a laugh. “Come, then, let us rest in the caves. The sun is to set soon and we must make camp before we freeze to death.”

“Hypothermia is so last season. I’m way too cool for that.”

He didn’t know whether to be disappointed that Tahlia didn’t react to his pun. It was pretty clever, in his opinion.

('Puns are the lowest form of comedy,' said mind-Jazz.

Says the one who named the Box Ghost the ‘Crate Creep.’

'That’s alliteration, not a pun.')

It was kind of pathetic that even his mind-version of Jazz was smarter than him.

“What would you like to know first?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Sarcasm dripped from Danny’s voice. He sheathed his sword and let it hang loose at his side. “Maybe how old this mysterious brother of mine is?” Ancients, his life was weird enough already, it wasn’t supposed to sound like the B-plot to a bad soap opera.

“Damian is younger than you by a little over four years. He will turn eleven this year.”

“Huh. Never been an older brother before.”

“Perhaps you might have been, if circumstances had been different.”

Cryptic. Great. Danny stepped over a particularly large crack in the ice and scampered over to solid ground. “You gotta give me more than that. What’s he like?”

“Prideful,” she said. “But skilled enough to warrant it. He was raised like a prince—as how you should have been.”

“And he lives with…our dad?”

“Yes. In America.” The cave was deep enough to shield them from the worst of the eventual mountain winds. Tahlia had already started building a campfire with equipment from her knapsack, embers eating away and growing into a steady flame. He sat down, legs crossed, beside the fire, hands tucked beneath his armpits.

He bit his lip, a question forming in his mind. “Do…do we have the same dad?”

Tahlia looked up at him. “Of course. Only your father has had the privilege of being called my beloved, and only he is worthy enough to have sired my children.”

Once night fell, it fell quickly. Blanketing as far as Danny could see from the mouth of the cave in a thick darkness. Snow fell from the skies in thick tufts and covered their footsteps.

“Does he—do they know about me?”

“No, they do not.”

“And you probably aren’t going to tell them anything about me, if you could help it.”

“That is very perceptive of you, habeebi.”

“You won’t tell me anything more about them, will you?”

“In due time, I will.”

Danny blew part of his fringe away from his face. Figures.

Despite the ever-present niggling at the back of his mind, Bruce had yet to see what was in the flash drive. The weeks since his strange meeting with Vlad Masters suddenly exploded with criminal activity with the recent breakout in Arkham and the brewings of another gang war in the shadows of Gotham’s paved streets. It was all hands-on deck. And Bruce, whether as Batman or Wayne, had always prioritized Gotham and its citizens over anything else.

The flash drive remained on his person despite the crisis, tucked away in one of the sturdier compartments of his utility belt to prevent the data inside from becoming damaged. Sometimes he found his hands gravitating towards it, fingers brushing against the button that would release the mystery from its confines before he realized what he was doing and steeled himself. Hands fisted to his side and attention forcibly directed elsewhere.

Eventually, the rogues were placed back into Arkham, and Gotham let out a shuddered breath of relief as it remained standing for another day.

Most of the family were out on a light patrol, cleaning up the remains of the breakout and helping where they can. Jason and Dick bickering over the comms whilst Barbara laughed in her clocktower.

(“It’s not that bad.”

"‘It’s not that bad’—shut the fuck up.” Jason spat. Bruce could hear him revving his bike. “You’re a fucking idiot, you know that? Certified Grade A idiot. B’s gonna kill you.”

He could hear Dick roll his eyes. “Sure, pile it all on, Jaybird. Blame the victim.”

"It was your fault.”

“It’s not my fault I didn’t see it there!”

"You tripped and got a concussion. From a stick. A. Stick.”

“Can we please just leave that out of the report?” Dick groaned. Barbara laughed. “Oh god.”

“Richard motherfucking John Grayson. I swear if you vomit on me then—”

“I’m not gonna vomit on you! You just turned the corner a little too fast. It’s nice to see you care though.”

"Fuck no, I just don’t wanna smell like regurgitated cereal.”)

Damian was benched from a patrol. Their last conflict with Poison Ivy ended with Damian sticking a bad landing and twisting his ankle. He dealt with it with as much grace as can be expected. Meaning that he spent the last few days sulking as he caught up on his missed schoolwork and shooting daggers at everyone else who came back from patrol.

Bruce flicked the flash drive open and plugged it into the computer. The flash drive contained only a single folder dated six months ago.

He clicked it, and a news headline popped up.

LOCAL TEEN DIES AFTER DRIVING OFF CLIFF

Beneath it, a picture. Blue eyes. Black hair. A familiar face.

Blood pounded in Bruce’s ears. He could hear nothing except a sharp gasp from Damian behind him.

When Dick and Jason arrived at the batcave, it was to an eerie silence. Not that it was usually loud, only that Bruce spent most of his free time down in the cave and Dick had come to expect hearing some signs of him around. Typing on keys, the clicking of a mouse, the heavy thuds of a fist meeting a punching bag or a training dummy, etcetera, etcetera. Or maybe even Alfred cleaning up around the cave, feeding the bats, or restocking their med bay.

(Dick, it turned out, didn’t have a concussion. Probably. Not a severe one anyway. What mattered most was that he managed to convince Jason to have dinner at the Manor. Alfred was making a tarte tatin for dessert tonight and those were absolutely to die for. )

One of Tim’s cases took him to the other side of Gotham. The only person in the cave was Damian, who was staring agape at the batcomputer.

“Why the hell is the demon spawn looking at old pictures of Bruce? We get it. They look alike.

“Uh, Dami? What’s up?”

Damian snapped his mouth shut. “I believe it might be best if you asked father that, Grayson.” Despite his clipped tone, there seemed to be little anger in his voice. His proud shoulders were hunched over on the chair, eyes trained on his lap.

He looked so small.

Damian clucked his tongue. “He’s upstairs, if you need him. So is Pennyworth.”

Dick shot a glance at Jason who raised his hands in mock surrender. “You’re up golden boy. Whatever the fuck the old man’s problem is this time, I’m not dealing with it.”

Dick sighed. “Fine.”

There was a door in Wayne Manor that didn’t exist.

When Dick was a child and recently adopted by Bruce Wayne, one of the first things he did was explore the manor. It’s the prerogative of every child that somehow found themselves in a large mansion—even more so given the castle-like exteriors of Wayne Manor. All castles have secret passages, and if the Batcave lay in the subterranean depths below, then surely the manor proper must have its own secrets.

Dick would tumble and cartwheel along the hallways, opening any and every single door he came across. A lot of them were just empty bedrooms or unused parlors and sitting rooms; the furniture covered by white sheets to keep the dust away. Alfred was probably magic, but even he can’t keep the entirety of the manor dust free.

The majority of the unused rooms were unlocked.

Except for one.

It was a room in the west wing, on the second floor. A couple doors down from where Bruce’s and Dick’s were. Why it was locked, Dick never found out. But he was curious since it was the only room on that floor that remained shut.

When he asked Alfred about it, the old butler only said that it was an unused storage room they preferred to keep locked just in case. When he asked Bruce about it, he’d be quick to change the subject. Usually something Batman related. Which, well, always worked, because it was Batman related. And Dick, young and spry and itching to fly under Batman’s wings, would quickly forget about that curious little mystery in favor of punching bad guys in the face and flipping over rooftops.

At some point that locked door quietly disappeared, leaving a blank expanse of wallpaper and a decorative vase where it once stood. It was never brought up again. And Dick slowly forgot that it was ever there in the first place.

Until now.

The wooden table and vase were shoved off to the side. Wallpaper sliced away to reveal the lines of a doorway. The door, covered in its faint damask wallpaper, was kicked open, the wood around the bolt splintered and cracked. He could hear voices—Alfred’s and Bruce’s—speaking softly on the other side.

He pressed his back against the wall and kept his breathing quiet.

“Three times, Alfred.” Bruce’s voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper. “Three times she’s done this to me.”

“Master Bruce…”

“I don’t—I don’t understand why—” Bruce choked, swallowing a shuddered breath. “Damian, I can understand. Jason, I can too. But…This? I—” Bruce suddenly quieted. Dick knew the jig was up.

He unlatched himself from the wall and slowly slid through the once-hidden-door, a hand kept on the frame. “Um. Hi, Bruce? Alfred?” The words fell flat, stilted. Dick winced as he said them. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but, uh…” He trailed off the second he registered what was in the room.

It was large, as so many rooms in the manor were. The room was covered in peeling green wallpaper with faded pictures of baby deer and owls and other woodland creatures prancing about. There was a dresser on one wall. A shelf filled with little picture books and stuffed animals on the other. A brown teddy bear had fallen on its face on one of the shelves.

In the middle—where Bruce was hunched over—was a crib. The wood streaked and aged with time, the beddings within pristine and untouched, if not dusty. Hanging overhead was a mobile with little animals dangling on a string.

“Worry not Master Dick. It is good that you are here since it will inevitably involve the rest of the family at some point.”

Dick nodded absentmindedly, trying to lock eyes with his guardian. “B? What’s—what’s going on?” Dick took one step deeper into the room. “The pictures in the cave. I thought they were you since they were too old to be Damian—” Bruce’s hands on the crib’s railing flinched.

Dick’s breath hitched.

“They’re…not your photos, are they.”

Bruce took a deep breath in, the lines of his shoulders tense. “No. They’re not.”

In their line of work, the answer could have been anything. Clones, magical doppelgangers, alternate universe counterparts, hell, even just someone’s genetic code being coincidentally similar to another person. But…this room, this nursery, pointed towards only one conclusion.

“Who is he, Bruce?”

Bruce angled his head towards Dick, unshed tears glimmering in his eyes. “He’s my son, Dick.

“He’s my son.”

[fletcheralchemy-posts]

.Second Class...

"let's plan our books"

First Artist:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

.First Class…

"It will be all about portals and how we find them."

First Artist:

The first artist is called Fiona Banner, we will shortly explore how she used full stops as matter to create Art. She interpreted the full stops as more than just simple round marks, giving them life and meaning by viewing it from different perspectives and dimensions.

Starting Points

Can you open a text document on your computer (could be Word, Pages, TextEdit or InDesign)

Type in a full stop .

.

Using the font selector choose a font for the full stop.

Make a note of the name of the font beside the full stop

. Copyshop

Change the size of the full stop to 100pt or as large as you can!

Try changing the font. Each typeface has a different shape full stop.

. Copy Shop

.

Make a quick sketch of the shape of your full stop.

Now try to sketch it as a 3 dimensional object.

After you have finished drawing find out some more about the font that you have chosen.

Is it a serif or san-serf typeface? Who designed it? When and what for?

Artist Research: Fiona Banner Full Stops

Artist Book http://www.fionabanner.com/vanitypress/periodbook2019/index.htm

Inflatable https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgbf8a1XaLU

Scultpure https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0mt_0xPeoE

Activism https://www.greenpeace.org.uk/news/artist-fiona-banner-why-i-delivered-a-1-25-

tonne-boulder-sculpture-to-the-government/

Reference https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-3yqy-IYnU

My first attempt:

ps: It is interesting to see how full stops can have many shapes depending of its fonts.

SECOND ARTIST:

Daniel Spoerri (born1930) is a Swiss artist and writer born in Romania. Spoerri is best known for his “snare-pictures,” a type of assemblage or object art, in which he captures a group of objects, such as the remains of meals eaten by individuals, including the plates, silverware and glasses, all of which are fixed to the table or board, which is then dis-played on a wall. He also is widely acclaimed for his book, Topographie Anécdotée* du Hasard (An Anecdoted Topography of Chance), a literary analog to his snare-pic- tures, in which he mapped all the objects located on his table at a particular moment, describing each with his personal recollections evoked by the object.

In 1961 artist Daniel Spoerri wrote an artists book called ‘An Anecdoted Topography of Chance.’ He mapped the objets lying at random on the table of his room, adding a rigorously scientific description of each.

He wrote it when he was living at the Hotel Carcassone in Paris, in room number 13 on the fifth floor. To the right of the entrance door was a table which his wife Vera had paint- ed blue. Spoerri drew on a ‘map” the overlapping outlines of all the 80 objects that were lying on the table on 17 October 1961 at exactly 3:47 p.m. Each object was assigned a number and Spoerri wrote a brief description of each object and the memories or associ- ations it evoked. The descriptions cross referenced other objects on the table which were related. The Topographie Anécdotée* du Hasard was printed as a small pamphlet of 53 pages plus a fold out map and index and was distributed as an advertisement for the exhibition.

Spoerri is also closely associated with the Fluxus art movement, a movement formed in the early 1960s, “characterized by a strongly Dadaist attitude, [whose] participants were a divergent group of individualists whose most common theme was their delight in spontaneity and humor.”

We will use Spoerri’s book as a starting point to reimagine the study applied to our studio desks. This is an exercise in object documentation, storytelling and desktop publishing.

PORTAL THE PLAN

Choose 3 items from a portal in your room (a bag, a pocket, a draw, the fridge, a cupboard, etc) and place them on the table in front of you. Draw a map or birds eye view of the objects on an A4 or A3 piece of paper. Number the objects and make a list with the numbers and names of the objects.

Fold the paper into quarters and turn it over. Start exercise 1 in quarter 1

Exercise 1. Written description . Select object 1. Study it closely. Write a detailed description of the object, You could write about what it looks like, its function, its history or its relationship to you. Ask a question about it. Write small and fill up a quarter of the page.

Exercise 2: Drawing

Select object 2. Draw a still life of the object and title the drawing - but not with the name as the object.

Exercise 3 Instruction

Select object 3. In under 140 characters write an instruction that someone could do do with this object.

Exercise 4. Photograph the portal

Select object 4. Photograph the portal where the objects came from. Can you use this image as a starting point to design a cover for the publication?

You now have a page plan for your poster/leaflets publication

DESIGN

Create a new version of your sheet of paper using a desk top publishing programme; Indesign, Photoshop, Illustrator or if you prefer to work without a computer redraw or make a collage.Work with the different elements to create a visually interesting poster, folded sheet or small booklet.

Result:

"I Tried to recreate it on my sketchbook, in a way that I could keep it tidy and interesting."

[dcnativegal]

Day 9 of a National Emergency

Day 11 of a Pandemic

It’s Day 9 of a National Emergency, as declared by President #45. (On March 21, 2020)

There are many creative memes floating around the interwebs: this might be my favorite:

“Kinda feeling like the earth just sent us all to our rooms to think about what we’ve done.”

Valerie and I are in the house in Paisley, with Griffey the poodle and Moe the cat. We have fabric and yarn for making masks to protect people, including us, from the novel coronavirus known as Covid19, which popped out of the animal kingdom to the bipedal mammalian one known as humanity, in Wuhan China, in December of 2019. The deaths from covid19 in Italy have surpassed the ones in China where many more people were infected.

“A staggering 793 people died TODAY alone in Italy from the Coronavirus. That makes it the single deadliest day for any nation in the entire pandemic.” (Shaun King, Instagram.)

Although the medical system in Italy is sophisticated, the people and public health system were too slow. And the average age is higher than average? Iran is also devastated, while the USA screws down tighter with sanctions. The countries that have dealt with the virus while ‘flattening the curve’? South Korea, Singapore, and finally, China.

There are no positive tests in Lake County because there are no tests. There are a few people reporting the symptoms of sore throat, fever, shortness of breath, and fatigue. Valerie’s friend, who is also Valerie’s second husband’s eighth wife, but who’s counting, had a sore throat and just didn’t feel well, and went walking with Valerie and Griffey on the desert road by the Paisley airport, to my consternation. Valerie is 72, and is hale and hearty most of the time, but has this little flaw: an autoimmune disorder that kicks her butt, or rather the myelin sheath of her nerves, following any immune battle. I wasn’t around to forbid it, so all I can do is point out that Valerie is at higher risk than the average 60+ year old.

I might be, too, given my general lack of aerobic fitness and, um, insulin dependent diabetes. Also, sleep apnea and hypertension.

The person I worry most about is Toni’s husband, Al, who has been smoking cigarettes for 50+ years and uses oxygen now. He had just resurrected community theater in Paisley and we were rehearsing when the ‘social distancing’ directive from Governor Brown came down. I am to play Cora, a busy body and gossip in a small New England town, foil to the proper but also gossiping member of the welcome committee, Reba. And we both apparently dislike Willa Mae, played by Valerie.

The play will happen at some point. But I refuse to memorize my lines until I know when we start up rehearsals again.

Covid 19 would take out Al in a New York minute.

Schools are closed, restaurants are ‘take out only’. No one is traveling, with the exception of my sister’s youngest child, 19 year old Makoto, who flew east from Japan, to Los Angeles, to Philadelphia, cutting short his adventure as a student abroad. He became fluent in Japanese, and posted daily on Instagram. Now he’s in quarantine at his father’s home, just to be safe.

I have had moments in the past two weeks where I had trouble feeling at all safe or grounded. Join the club, Miss Lincoln. I sat in a meeting in a large circle of mostly women who all have an interest in helping ‘senior citizens’: the Aging Services Collaborative. And for me, there was a large elephant in the room that had my attention the entire time called ‘Coronavirus.’ It was Thursday, March 12. We were meeting in the Lakeview Senior Center, and the director got rather defensive when someone asked if she had shut down the lunch program. She said there’s be a serious backlash if she shut it ‘too soon.’  No such thing as too soon in the pandemic: by the next day, the senior lunch program was shuttered.

I was cranky and agitated in that meeting, and the younger women, new to the Collaborative, probably though I was a menopausal bitch. I wonder if they look back now, a week later, and think me prescient. Maybe a prescient menopausal bitch. At one point I said something to the effect of, we can choose to be South Korea or Italy. Let’s be like South Korea.

I also still get really wound up when the conservative Trumpian assholes in this county pipe up on Facebook about how the whole thing is a fraud, a hoax, a tactic to get to “Marshall Law.” Omigod. Like this guy:

Snowflake waving wildly here. If I could address this man directly, I would say the following:

Except we are not paying for it equally. Poor people always have a harder time.

Someone pointed out that, when this is all over, it will not be the CEOs and billionaires who saved us, but the nurses and janitors and grocery store clerks. Also, the truckers, the doctors and family nurse practitioners and physicians’ assistants.

I can’t retort to the delusion MAGA Lake county resident because we who work for Lake Health District are frequently scolded about posting anything in social media about Covid 19 because we ‘represent the hospital.’ Hmf, I’ve been muzzled. I try to read less of ‘Lakeview Announcements’ and more NYTimes. Still, I overhear bullshit at work. It’s not good for my blood pressure.

I am trying to figure out how to be useful at work, and I’m signed up to be a ‘greeter’ at the front entrance, and staff the ‘hotline’ which means I call folks who have symptoms to see how they’re doing, and wait for calls. The clinics are closed, the acute care is cleared out for the most part, the Operating Room where Hope works is ‘emergencies only.’ People drive up to a tent in front of the hospital and get their temperature taken. They’re asked, by a medical assistant who has a high school education and some extra training, whether they’ve been traveling, have a sore throat or any other symptoms. If they answer no to all and have no fever, they may be allowed to proceed to the emergency room, clinic, or to an appointment with the staff, like the head of corrections who came by on my greeter shift. He’s an enormous man, married to a pretty woman who holds at least 3 jobs in Lakeview including a part time Area Agency on Aging gig that’s directed by the Klamath group. Many non profit or governmental entities are based in Klamath and have a partial oversight in Lake County, the red-headed step child of Klamath County. This woman, and a south Asian man nicknamed “avatar’ by the BLM staff because they couldn’t remember “Arvinder”, and I were to start working on developing a “Village” volunteer effort in Lakeview. Then, the virus.

There are some volunteer activities spontaneously springing up in Lakeview; one facebook group is called Helping Hands of Lakeview. There are helpful things going on in Paisley through informal networks. I have one primary volunteer job: to pick up books at the Lakeview Library that sit in canvas bags labeled Paisley. And drop them off to Jan, who I think is the informal town mayor. She knows everyone, and everything, and reared her kids here.

I saw this on twitter: 

Most of the volunteer stuff seems to happen via Facebook, a group called Lakeview Announcements. That’s where a lot of political bickering also happens. Missing dogs. Reports of ‘tweakers’ thieving around. Well of course they’re stealing, when no one will hire them, when the US of A punishes what is actually an illness, not a crime. An illness born of childhood trauma. But I digress.

No more crochet/ knitting/ rug hooking at the cavernous Bowling Alley’s party room. No more church, either.

We watched the marvelous Presiding Bishop Curry preach on our computers last Sunday, and listened to gorgeous church music and sonorous prayers, online from the Washington National Cathedral, one of my favorite Episcopal places. We’ll see what’s streaming again tomorrow, Sunday morning.  

The knitting group is contemplating making face masks. So is Valerie. I’ve been looking at ‘the literature’ and there is one and only one study, in 2013, looking at the efficacy of homemade masks versus ‘respirators’ or ‘surgical masks.’ Of course, they are not as good but they are better than nothing. And corvid 19 seems to go straight for the throat. I’m thinking, those Safeway employees have been working really hard, and they are more at risk at the moment than health care workers at Lake Health District.

It’s a very strange time, full of opportunity for goodness and for greed. I’m glad my kids are safe, we are healthy so far, and I still receive a paycheck. We’ll see how this evolves.

"Nothing has prepared us for this moment. All we have is each other. Your safety is my safety. Protecting myself means protecting you, too. We are one race. Human race." - Jose Antonio Vargas

[jestbee]

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THEM

Not a lot is the short answer. But, in case you wanted long detailed post about it all, my entire meet & greet experience is below the cut

So we got there super early and we were sat at this bar/restaurant that’s attached to the venue and we looked up at a window across the way and I thought, fleetingly in the back of my mind, “That looks like the back of Phil’s head”. But I didn’t say anything to my friends because I thought I’d come across as a bit of a weirdo. Who recognises the back of someones head? Inside a building? In silhouette? 

Anyway. Turns out it was Phil’s head, and then Dan came to the window wearing his grid jumper and waved and we all waved back (I’m sure I looked like a stunned idiot) and then he got his phone out and held it up while he continued to wave at us.

Consequently, I’m half convinced he has a photo/video of us on his camera roll somewhere. A very odd thought. 

So that was the first moment. The one that was to kick off the weirdness of seeing them in real life and- let’s be real- the low key panic attack I was just going to have for the next two hours until it was all over. 

And I remember Dan smiling really wide and I was just like, ‘oh my god, he’s real’ which is a stupid thought to have, but it wouldn’t be the last time I thought it. 

When the time came we went to the foyer of the venue and they had all the merch but you couldn’t buy it yet but they were setting it up in the vip area upstairs so we could buy it there. 

There were so many cool people, other fans just having fun and it was really nice to be in an atmosphere where you knew we were all there for the same reason. Gathered because of two tall ex-emos that somehow make our days a little brighter.

There was also a line of old people buying tickets to other things at the box office looking around like this was the oddest thing they’d ever seen. They were right. It probably was.

We were counting down, watching the merch trolleys being wheeled back and forth to the lift and it was getting more and more real. Then it was 4 o’clock. People started doing that British-person-shuffle thing where you all try to get as close to the place you are supposed to be as possible. As if that will get you in quicker. It rarely works but we all try. 

They took the barrier down. It was starting. 

The venue staff looked at our tickets and then gave us a wrist band and we went to an upstairs area (that was actually like a bar you usually go to before shows) and the m&g backdrop was there and a merch stand and a playlist playing out of a Beats Pill speaker just plugged in in the corner. I mean.... what? 

World wide tour, neon lights and a fancy set and this is the production value Nottingham could provide. Well done hometown, well done.

We sat on some tables near the front of the room and there was a stoic security guard in a grey suit standing at a door next to the screen like something out of a movie. Everyone made so much noise every time the door vaguely moved and we were all on edge. 

The room was buzzing. People were hyped.

So at this point I got SUPER nervous and my face and neck starting getting hot, even my ears felt like they were about to spontaneously combust on the side of my head. Thank god for @ineverhadmyinternetphase and @charlottekath who were also nervous but totally encouraging, because I never would have coped without them 

The organisers put a line of green tape on the floor and they were giving out Haribo... I think. I’m a vegetarian so I didn’t get any. I couldn’t concentrate anyway.

Also the line for merch was REALLY long at this point but we thought we’d go after our m&g. Good decision. There was no queue after cus everyone was queueing for m&g so we walked straight up. 

Plushies had almost gone though but we were lucky and snagged 2 of the remaining 3. 

They had more later, downstairs, this was just the vip stand.

So it then came time to line up behind the green tape and we all got in a queue and we were 5 PEOPLE FROM THE FRONT and at this point I began to panic a little and I was half convinced I was going to leave... Seriously, I just had the thought that I could turn around and go because why was I putting myself through something I knew was going to give me anxiety, you know? Why did I need to do this?

Good friends, my pals. Good friends. They pointed out that I’d regret it if I left which yeah, I would have. I stayed.

On shaking legs goddammit it, I stayed.

So then it was explained that the boys were on their way and that there was a lot of people there but that we had time and we would definitely all get to meet them so no pushing etc. The crowd kept cheering and being loud when she was talking which was annoying but everyone was just so excited! 

So, you had to have your 1 thing to sign, you could get a selfie/photo whatever and then you’d have your wristband cut off and get a little vip merch tote thing. Have it all ready in your hand before you go round. Trust me, it makes it so much easier! 

I wasn’t taking much more in by this point because the heat in my face and neck was uncontrollable and at this point I was hitting myself in the knuckles with a sharpie because I think I was very near a panic attack. 

Then it was TIME. 

They came out through the side door. The cheer started at the back and followed down the line like a wave at a sporting match and then.... they came round into full view. 

I was just... stunned. Into silence. 

Literally lost the ability to speak. 

Most people comment on how tall they are. I can deal with tall. I’m used to tall. I’m not used to two nerds I watch on my computer screen suddenly appearing in real life. 

I was mostly struck by how Dan was wearing merch actually. He really followed through on that. Plus it was the one I wanted to buy so I was glad to see it in person. 

Dan asked us all how were were doing and everyone cheered appropriately. 

Then Phil said (quietly and mostly to Dan) “Thank you for coming” 

Then Dan said louder to the crowd “Yes, Thank you all for coming!” 

And that was cute as hell, because Dan clearly does all the shouting and Phil giving him that little prompt was just... wonderful. The way they work together so easily is just lovely. 

So then they went back behind the screen thing and the moment came. 

Everyone moved forward, I was panicking and hitting my knuckles with the pen and counting down the number of people left to go before I would have to do it. 

Then it was our turn. We’d already talked about how I was going last out of the three of us because I am a wimp. So those two went up together and I watched them in the reflection of the glass and they were all laughing and I was like, SO SO HAPPY for them. Honestly, my friends are the best and getting to experience this whole thing with them was the best. 

After what seemed like a hilarious conversation I won’t spoil here because you can probably read about on their blogs, it was my turn.

But first: 

“Is that a letter?” she said.

They collect the letters and things before you go round to see the guys and then put them in these neat large brown envelopes with “Dan and Phil” written on and the venue and date. 

“Yes,” I said, “But it’s not from me. It’s from my friend. In California.” 

Sometimes when I am nervous I ramble. But, @adorkablephil that one was for you. I wanted to make sure I mentioned it. 

“Ready?” 

“As I’ll ever be.” 

Then I had to go around the screen. 

Before I got there, in fact for the entire 7 months since I bought my ticket I have been saying the same thing. I was looking forward to my Phil hug and I didn’t think I’d be able to handle meeting Dan in person. I don’t know why. He was intimidating to me for some reason. 

But, let me tell you. I was not prepared for the absolute force that is Phil Lester. 

I rounded the corner and Phil immediately smiled and held his arms out and I just kind of shuffled over and gave him a hug and he was like “hiiii” 

Then I got a half-hug from Dan in that way that he does and I was so happy about it. They are both like, SO lovely. And gentle.

Phil was just... I don’t know. Dan looked like Dan does on my laptop screen. Just, in real life which was bizarre yeah, but Phil... Phil looks different. I don’t think if its the hair or just that I’m not yet used to 2018 Phil but he looked his age. Which... if you’ve been paying attention to this blog at all you will know is totally my jam. 

I’m a Phil girl. I’ve become a Phil girl. I think it’s just time I admitted it. 

I didn’t intend on saying much. I didn’t have anything planned and there was no huge statement I wanted to make. I never would have been able to manage it, my anxiety levels were pretty high at this point and I just wanted to enjoy the moment without any added pressure to say anything like, meaningful.

And I was still pretty much stunned into silence anyway so I think I went “Hi.” all quiet and squeaky. Then the conversation went like this:

P: Do you want us to sign your calendar? 

Me: Oh, Yes please. 

I passed them the calendar. Backwards. Of course. I’m an idiot. 

D: Do you want us to sign May? 

Bless this boy for checking. God amongst men. Cus I didn’t have it in me to correct it unprompted. 

Me: Oh. Actually, June please. 

They flipped it over, both with black sharpie in hand, poised and ready. 

I almost let it go. I had a plan that I almost let slide because, hello awkward, but I didn’t. I summoned the courage to finally like, actually speak.

Me: I, um, I brought a silver sharpie. Cus... it’s black. 

I meant the page. June is the black background photo and I didn’t think the black sharpie would show up. 

At this point I kind of thrust the sharpie at them and Phil smiled again. I died. 

P: You’re so prepared

D: We’re never prepared for anything in life just generally

I laughed. 

At this point I realised my error in only bringing only one pen because then they couldn’t do the crossed-arms thing to sign. But it was okay. Phil still held the calendar but Dan signed first and then passed the pen over to Phil. Seamless. Wonderful. 

At this point I’m digging my phone out of my front pocket and my hands are shaking. 

Phil puts the pen lid back on and passes it all back to me and I like, fumble with all my stuff and flicking open the camera app at the same time. 

D: Would you like a photo?

Me: Yes please could you... *passes him my phone*.

I never give anyone my phone. Ever. But here is Dan Howell with his huge hands on my phone just handling it like a pro and it was great. 

So I sort of awkwardly shift to the middle of them and Phil leans in SO close behind me and Dan takes the picture and I think I don’t look too bad. A little stunned, of course, but that was to be expected. 

Me: Thank you so much.

D: Thank you for coming, I hope you enjoy the show. 

Me: You too

What? You too? Ugh I’m the worst. 

P: Bye!

Me: Bye!

Then I get round the other side and the guy with the totes looks at me like really hesitantly, like he’s approaching a scared animal and says “Can I cut your wristband off?” 

I held out my wrist. Silent and shook and shaking. He cuts the wristband off, He gives me a tote bag, I clutch it and the calendar to my chest and wander back over to my friends and finally, mercifully, collapse. 

The camera app is still open on my phone. My ears are still hot and my knuckle has a bruise forming I’ll definitely regret tomorrow but this has been one of the best things ever. 

I had to drink two beers with lunch just to get over it. 

[thedoctorishereguys]

Rules: I was supposed to tag 25 people. I’m not doing that. I hate tagging people. Do it if you want to. It passes time.

I grabbed the open tag from someone or another. IDK. It’s on my dash quite a bit today. Hello, whoever I grabbed it from!

LAST: LAST THING I BOUGHT: Coffee. LAST STORE I VISITED: CVS, but I work there. Uh. Fuck, I haven’t gone to any store in like months other than my work. Uh. Gas station, I guess, for my smokes? LAST TEXT MESSAGE: “I can come in for work now if you can pick me up. TY.” LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Everyone says don’t, sung by Raul Esparza. LAST THING I ATE: Shit, when did I even eat last? Fuck. Um. Yeah, this would be easier to answer if I ate more than like once a day. I think steak? Maybe? Idk, really. HAVE YOU EVER: DATED SOMEONE TWICE: Nope BEEN CHEATED ON: I don’t think so? But I wouldn’t put it past the bastard I was with, really. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: … Honestly, y’know, that’s complicated. I regret the relationship I was in, but I don’t regret having been sexual in general with that person? So… yes and no? Idk. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: Yes. My great-grandmas have been gone 12-13 years now and I still have trouble talking about their deaths. BEEN DEPRESSED: I have bipolar disorder, depressed is one of my main emotions. BEEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: Way too many times to count. IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU: MADE A NEW FRIEND: Yes FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: No. But I haven’t fallen in love either. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: Yes MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: Yes. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR TRUE FRIENDS WERE: Yes. In all the good ways, found that people I didn’t realize were close really were. I ended up in a psych ward due to a complete mental breakdown, and I realized I had an entire support network that I never thought to ask for help from before. Just everyone in my life really rallied around me. One of my friends, who generally hates driving distances, drove almost an hour to the hospital to see me, sometimes more than once a week (I was there for almost a month). That same friend also hugged me when he left, even though he is the least touchy-feely guy in existence. One of my work friends got really worried about me when I stopped coming to work, but he still didn’t pressure me to talk about it, just asked me what he can do to help, but told me that he doesn’t need to know what happened, only what I’m willing to share. I did tell him everything, because he is a good friend, but he was so good to me. People I hadn’t talked to in ages, because I was isolating severely beforehand, came and visited, or called, and it was just so touching. Even now, a couple months later, people will ask me how I’m doing, and my best friend (the one who drove couple times a week to visit) makes sure to call me several times a week just to check in, just so I don’t end up in that situation again. After the first psych ward visit (I had two this summer), I attempted suicide, and I called that best friend in a panic that I needed to get to the hospital, but I didn’t want my parents to know what I had done, so I didn’t want to call 911, and he came and got me right away, and he stayed at the hospital for almost 2 hours, until they took me back into the psych ward. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: Yes, a coworker, but she does that to everyone, although I think I’m her special project. I don’t much care. GENERAL: HOW MANY PEOPLE ON TUMBLR DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE?: Uh… no one, I guess, but I still defend I know enough about one to count it, so there. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?: No and thank god. I’m not an animal person. I used to have lizards, but they died on me. I like lizards. I wanted snakes, but my mom (with whom I still live) said absolutely fucking not. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME?: Nah, I like mine. Wish people would pronounce it right, but that’s a different matter. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?: 6 fucking a.m. Which was only because I was due in at work at 7, otherwise, I am not conscious before 1pm, and often sleep until 3. WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT?: Hm. Work until 8pm, which was hell, and then fucking around on the computer until like 1a.m. Which may explain why I feel like death today. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: Getting to drive again? Coffee with a girl next week? Seeing my best friend again? HAVE YOU EVER MET SOMEONE NAMED TOM?: … Honestly, I’m sure I have, but none come to mind. Must not have made a huge impression on me. WHAT’S GETTING ON YOUR NERVES RN?: Not much. I’m too tired to give any fucks about anything. Uh. The existence of 7 a.m. I’m pretty sure the devil invented mornings as a punishment for our sins. BLOOD TYPE: A positive. I used to be a blood donor, so I’ve known my blood type for years (I am no longer a blood donor, because the last time I donated, I got so sick my doctor was tempted to transfuse my blood back in.) NICKNAME: I don’t have one. And that’s fine with me. There are no ways to shorten my name, it’s only two syllables, and I don’t particularly care for pet names. Dear and sweetheart and honey are just… ugh. The only one I like is ‘babe’, and obviously, that’s not one I’ll let many people call me (I do have a coworker who calls me that, but she’s awesome, so she can) RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single. ZODIAC SIGN: Which one’s the zodiac? Is that the one with the animals, like the rat and the horse and ram, or is that the one with the astrology crap, like Cancer and Aries and Taurus? Either way, I’m a horse and a Sagittarius. And it makes no fucking difference. The year you were born in has zero effect on your personality, and the gravitational pull of the planets even less so. Actually, people have done the math, and the gynecologist present exerts as much gravitational pull on you (because all objects exert gravitational pull, not just planets and stars) as some of the planets on the horoscope, so if you really want to blame someone for your failings, why not the doctor who birthed you? The whole thing is an utter load of nonsense, really, bullshit fucking pseudo-science idiots keep falling for because they need something to believe in, because the stark reality that there is nothing guiding their lives and everything is random is too bleak. (This bleeds into my problems with religion, too, by the way, but I have a measure more respect for that, because at least it instills some level of ethics, which astrology utterly fails to do. But only a measure more.) PRONOUNS: She/Her FAVORITE TV SHOW: Doctor Who, Doctor Who, Doctor Who. All the goddamn way, do not take away my Doctor Who. Every other show can go off the air before you take away my precious Doctor Who. COLLEGE: I went to a state school. HAIR COLOR: Black with purple. LONG OR SHORT: My hair? Or other random body parts? I don’t have a penis, otherwise I’d totally make a dick joke here. My hair is as short as I can get it. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEBODY: Totally! And she said yes to a date, so score! And then there are fictional characters and celebs, and I really need to be better at tagging my posts so @hawkland doesn’t slap me one of these days. FIRSTS: FIRST SURGERY: Breast reduction, 2009. FIRST PIERCING: Ears, 2014. FIRST BEST FRIEND: … First? You honestly expect me to remember that far back? Fucking hell. FIRST SPORT YOU JOINED: Basketball? Soccer? Idk, it was one of those two. FIRST VACATION: That I can remember or that I went on? Because the first that I know of was Slovakia. The first I can remember was… Huh. Hungary, I guess? FIRST PAIR OF SNEAKERS: Who the fuck remembers their sneakers? I couldn’t tell you what sneakers I own right fucking now.   EATING: What are you asking me? First time I ate? First thing I ate? I’m guessing so, since this is under firsts… Well, is breastmilk a food or a liquid? Let’s go with food. So first food was around 10 minutes old and it was breastmilk. WTF is wrong with you? Who else would say anything substantially different? Sure, maybe they had formula instead, but no one is going to say, “Oh, I first ate at 25, and it was a fine steak dinner.” If they do, they’re an alien. DRINKING: Listen, seriously, what the hell? I’M ABOUT TO: Idk. Take a nap, maybe? LISTENING TO: Nothing, I feel no compulsion to surround myself with noise at all hours of the day and night. WANT KIDS: Fuck no. Not ever. GET MARRIED: Sure, if I find someone I like and who can, at least, tolerate me. CAREER: Ideally. WHICH IS BETTER: LIPS OR EYES: For what? Lips are good for kissing and sucking and integral in speaking, which help with things like “I love you,” eyes are good for looking and part of communication. Really. How do you pick? HUGS OR KISSES: Hm. Toughie. Idk. SHORTER OR TALLER: I like my men taller and my women my height. As I’m mainly interested in women… OLDER OR YOUNGER: My age. ROMANTIC OR SPONTANEOUS?: Uh. I’m not a fan of spontaneous, really, I don’t like shit sprung on me. But I’m too awkward to pull romantic off, I usually stick my foot in my mouth about a minute in. Planned out, at least. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: Yeah, these two really aren’t mutually exclusive. Sensitive doesn’t mean you’re not a screamer 😉

HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: Depends what you’re looking for? I mean, I know sometimes I just want sex, and that’s fine, that’s totally OK. And sometimes I want a relationship. It depends what you want. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: Yeah, hesitant isn’t usually in my wheelhouse. Depends on the situation really. But I’m not a troublemaker, per se. HAVE YOU EVER: KISSED A STRANGER: No. Not really? DRANK HARD LIQUOR: Yeah. A lot of it. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and vodka was my drink of choice. LOST GLASSES/CONTACTS: Nope. If they’re not on my face, they’re on my nightstand. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: I’m open to it. I don’t see anything wrong with being sexual, as long as both parties are clear on what they want. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: I’m honestly not sure. BEEN ARRESTED: No TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: Yes FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: Yes DO YOU BELIEVE: IN YOURSELF: Some of the time. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: Yeah, no. You can feel lust, attraction, whatever, at first sight. But love? The most you can love at first sight is the idea you have built up in your head of that person. You don’t know that person at all when you first meet them, how can you love them? HEAVEN: Yeah, see my rant above about religion. I’m an atheist. No heaven. SANTA CLAUS: … I did not just get asked this. Yes. Of course I believe in Santa Claus. And the Easter Bunny. And the fucking Tooth Fairy, which was always the most imbecilic of the lot, and really just there to see how much we can stretch childhood innocence. Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny at least have some kind of sense for a child, but now we’re trying to convince them there’s a goddamn fairy who’d rather have a tooth than money? Who the fuck came up with this? Are we just outright saying children are fucking dumb little shits who’ll believe any fool thing we tell them? Because, yeah, of course most of them do, their parents, who they trust unconditionally, are telling them these things, and telling them about the Tooth Fairy – and Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, by the way – is an exploitation of that trust, and of childhood innocence. We do it because it’s cute that little kids fervently believe in a magical man who brings presents, instead of the truth, which is that their parents love them, and that because they love them, this one day, they are given gifts, out of that love, and on a holiday that had become about familial love. How is that not a better story? Why does some magical shit need to get involved? And the contortions people put themselves through to keep Santa alive for their children, it’s absurd! (Also, don’t tell me Christmas is not about familial love, because it absolutely is – yes, it’s a religious holiday too, but I think Jesus would approve of it being about love, given his beliefs).

Ugh. Santa Claus. Fucking hell.

[skiasurveys]

old myspace surveyyy

1. Last beverage: Iced tea

2. Last phone call: My mom i believe

3. Last song you listened to: Closer- the chainsmokers ft halsey

4. Last time you cried: today 

5. Have you dated someone twice: kind of.  my current boyfriend and i dated before but it was only like  2 weeks and then we didnt date again til 5 months later, and now were still together which has been 15 months. i dont really consider he first time an actual relationship lmao

6. Have you ever been cheated on: Not that I am aware of.

7. Kissed someone & regretted it: eh, my first kiss was awful

8. Have you lost someone special: yeah my dad died.

9. What are your three favorite colors: lilac, cyan, pink

10. Met someone who changed you in the past month: not in the past month

11. Kissed anyone on your friends list: yeah

12. How many kids do you want: none.

13. Do you want any pets: i have two cats

14. Do you want to change your name: yeah i do

15. What did you do for your last birthday: Had dinner with my boyfriends parents, then had a small party with a few friends and my boyfriend, but that was it. Wasnt so lit.

16. What time did you wake up today:  i woke up at 10 am i think

17. Name something you CANNOT wait for: to finally move out

18. Last time you saw your mother: um. like 10 minutes ago lol

19. Most visited webpage: youtube

20. Nicknames: Jen, Babygirl, i dont really have nicknames that much

21. Relationship status: Taken

22. Zodiac sign: Sagittarius 

23. Male or female: female

24. Height: 5′1 

25. Do you have a crush on someone: my boyfriend 

26. Piercings: I got my ears pierced when i was 18 but i took it out apparently too soon and they shut.  I am going to get them redone but im just lazy

27. Tattoos: none as of now

28. Strong or Weak:  physically or emotionally..haha..

FIRSTS

29. First surgery: wisdom teeth

30. First best friend:  Eric or Reis 

31. First sport you joined: softball when i was 7/8

32. First vacation: British columbia when  i was 4/5

33. First school: Joseph welsh 

34. First pair of trainers: If trainers you mean shoes but in a british lingo..uhh i dont know. DC shoes? those ugly fat skater shoes.

WHICH IS BETTER

35. Lips or eyes: eyes

36. Hugs or kisses: honestly both, but idk it depends. sometimes i love hugs because i like feeling him hold me and against me , but kisses are so sweet

37. Shorter or taller: taller

38. Older or younger: older

39. Romantic or spontaneous: both

40. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.

41. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.

42. Shy or outgoing: a bit of both. im really outgoing so in a relationship it doesnt matter for me. but i dont really like people who cant make conversations at all..

HAVE YOU EVER

43. Kissed a stranger: I dont think so.

44. Gotten a speeding ticket: No

45. Lost glasses/contacts: i dont wear glasses or contacts

46. Sex on first date: nope. but oral sex yeah.

47. Broken someone’s heart:  i have but whatever.

48. Been arrested: No

49. Have you turned someone down:  yeah but thats cause this dude wouldnt stop trying to date me and the funny part is he didnt even live in the same fucking city as me so idk why he kept trying so hard. I also had a dude back in highschool who i still chat with try to date me but ive turned him down couple of times but he knows now.

50. Fallen for a friend: not really.

51. Moved out of town: no

BELIEVE IN

52. Miracles: ehhh

53. Love at first sight: no. but i mean i know when i first met my boyfriend i was like oh hell yeah. but its not love.

54. Heaven: yeah

55. Santa Claus:  no and never have.

56. Kiss on the first date:  sure. ive done it. idk how you cant believe in a kiss?? lmao

57. Angels:  yeah

58. Yourself: no

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

59. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: no.

60. Been in love with someone you couldn’t be with?: yeah but not “in love”.

61. Ever cheated on somebody: No i am not a cunt.

62. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: i would love to relive my first date with Connor, i dont know why. i wouldnt change anything but that day was really awesome.

63. Are you afraid of falling in love: No. 

64. Was your last relationship a mistake?  well i guess, since i am in a different one right? it wasnt a mistake per-say but he was a waste of time. 

65. Do you miss your last relationship? god no.

66. Who did you last say “i love you” to?

connor, the other day <3

67. Have you ever been depressed?  yeah i have depression.

68. Are you insecure? yeah but im getting better.

69. How do you want to die? in my bed, while asleep.

70. Do you bite your nails?  lol i am currently.

71. When was your last physical fight? Ive never really had one.

72. Do you have an attitude? yeah. i can have one.

73. Twirl or cut your spaghetti? twirl if i ever eat it. i hate spaghetti. Connor loves it though..

74. Do you tan a lot? eh no

75. Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving? yeah usually while on a trip

76. Ever made out in a bathroom? yeah.

77. Would you take any of your exes back? Not at all! Barf.

78. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? depends on the time.

79. What are your plans for this weekend? it is the weekend currently, nothing is planned.

80. Do you type fast? yeah

81. Can you spell well?  i think i do.

82: What are you craving right now? nothing actually.

83. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah a few times.

84. Would you live with someone without marrying them?  yeah my boyfriend lmao

85. What’s irritating you right now? my dry skin atm.

86. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? yeah.

87. Does somebody love you? yeah my man does. lmao

88. Have you ever changed clothes in a car? a few times

89. Milk chocolate or white chocolate?  milk. white chocolate is nasty

90. Do you have trust issues?  i kind of do.

91. Longest relationship? my one i am in currently which so far is a one year and 3 months

92: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? i am sure he thinks about me every so often, i mean i sometimes think about them for no reason and not the “i miss you” thinking just like something reminds me of them or whatver. Im sure they think of me sometime. i dont really care lol

93. Have you ever walked outside in your PJs? yah lol

94. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? no

95. Did you have dream last night?  yeah i dont remember it anymore

96. Have you ever been out of state? yeah

97. Do you play the Wii? eh not anymore. i dont like the wii or the wii u, i tried to like the nintendo products but i am more into Playstation ;)

98. Do you like Chinese food?  i do

99. Are you afraid of the dark?  sometimes

100. Is cheating ever okay? No.

101. What year has been your best? 2015 so far and 2016 wasnt really so bad.

102. Do you believe in true love? yeah i guess

103. Favorite weather? fall weather. where its warm but kind of cloudy, where you can wear whatever you want and you wont be too cold or too warm. 

104. Do you like the snow? NO

105. Do you like the outside? yeah i do.

106. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? yeah i like when connor does

107. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? yes

108. What makes you happy? cats

109. Ever been to Alaska? no

110. Ever been to Hawaii? no 

111. Do you watch the news? usually like to keep an eye on whats happening with the world. like now.

112. Do you love MTV? no

113. Do you like subway? yeah but its not my fav anymore. but i do crave it randomly

114 Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? no lol were dating.

115. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? well my best friend of the opposite sex is my boyfriend..so...

116. Why did you decide to do this quiz? im bored

117. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? yeah actually one time my mom and i were shopping and we saw this crazy lady that we know. and so we kept avoiding here while we were grocery shopping and we actually got away lol thank god. she is so annoying. When my dad died she told my mom she had to get rid of his pictures. like mcfuck off.

118. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yeah a few 

119. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? connor

120. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Jennifer

121. Ever bought condoms? no. we dont use condoms 

122. Ever gotten pregnant? No. thank god

123. Have you ever slipped on ice? im sure

124 Have you ever missed the bus? yeah

125. Have you left the house without money? i have once. i was working too and on my break i was heading to get food and then i realized i forgot my wallet. -___-

126. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? no. just weed.

127. Have you ever smoked a cigar? no 

128. Did you ever drink alcohol? yeah of course.

129. Did you ever watch “The Breakfast Club”?  yes. one of my favs

130. Have you ever been overweight? last year i went on medication that made me gain 20 pounds, but i lost all that weight now thank god. I wasnt over weight but i was kind of chubby. Im back to my skinny-self thank god! 

131. Ever been to a wedding? yeah

132. Ever been in a wedding? yeah my cousin got married in 2013 and asked my sister and i to be apart of it. worst idea ever. We werent really apart of it. she had her friends in it and my sister and i were just kind of the side bridemaids..yah weird.

133. Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight? yeah back when i didnt have an ipad or iphone.

134. Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight?  i sometimes binge netflix when im with my boyfriend

135. Ever kissed in the rain? no

136. Did you ever shower with someone else? yeah i have with my boyfriend. it was really intimate lol

137. Did you ever fail a driver’s test?  i have only ever failed the written exam where they ask you all that stupid shit and you have to remember speed and signs. but my actualy drivig test, i passed first try!

138. Ever been outside your home country? yeah to canada

139. Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? yeah we used to drive to vancouver or south BC which would take 13 hours.

140. Ever been to a professional sports game? NO

141. Have you ever broken a bone? no surprisingly i havent. even though i got hit by a car..

142. Did you ever win a trophy in your life? no :(

143. Ever get engaged? no

144. Have you ever been on a diet? kind of.

145. Have you ever been on TV? kind of. not really.

146. Ever ridden in a taxi? yeah. with my boyfriend, its really awkward and weird...

147. Ever been to prom? we dont have prom here in canada but we do get dressed up in nice dresses and have dinner and a dance, but not prom. But yeah i did go.

148. Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more? yeah i think 2 days 

149 Have you ever been to a concert? yeah. my first was...Jonas brothers...BARFFF. thanks 12 year old me -.-

150. Have you ever had a crush on someone at work? i did have a little crush on the security guard. but not a big crush.

151. Have you ever been in a car accident?  i got hit by a car

152. Ever had braces? yeah from 12-14. (gr.6-8)

153. Did you ever learn another language? i tried french. but i cant speak it. i gave up. I wish i could learn something different.

154. Do you wear make-up? yeah. 

155. Did you ever have your wisdom teeth taken out? yeah when i was 18 i got put completely out and had surgery to get them out.

156. Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself? yeah. 

157. Ever dyed your hair? yeah ive dyed it reddish, darker brown, fire ombre (look it up it was awesome), blonde, ash blonde, blonde with purple tips and then now i just dyed it back to brown which is its natural colour. i like it blonde but im starting to like it back at its natural state.

158. Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes? yeah ive worn my sisters clothes

159. Ever ridden in an ambulance? no

160. Ever ridden in a helicopter? no

161. Ever caught the stove on fire? no

162. Ever meet someone famous? no

163. Ever been on an airplane? yeah i was only on a plane from here (canada) to california and back. but thats it. my first time it was really nerve-racking, but on the way back it was chill. i dont like being that high up lol

164. Ever been on a boat? yeah a few times. its kay

165. Ever broken something expensive? no

166. Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14? no. my first actual kiss wasnt til i was 18..lol

167. Did you ever find something valuable on the ground? yeah my fucking life.

[geekybiologist]

100 facts

tagged by @memo-blogs, thanks!

1.) Real Name: Ella 2.) Nicknames: ...Ella 3.) Zodiac Sign: Leo 4.) Male or Female: Female 5.) Elementary School: Yes 6.) Middle School: That too 7.) High school: Yup and I even continued to study at uni although I see this is where you stop asking! 8.) Hair color: Blonde 9.) Long or Short: Long 10.) Loud or Quiet: Quiet unless I get really upset or emotional 11.) Sweats or Jeans: Jeans 12.) Phone or Camera: I... what? Depends, but probably phone since it’s more important in general? Whenever I need to take photos I do with with my camera tho 13.) Health Freak: Haha no. 14.) Drink or Smoke: Sometimes I drink, haven’t ever smoked. 15.) Do You Have A Crush On Someone: Uh, no. 16.) Sexual Preference: Girls! 17.) Piercings: Nope 18.) Tattoos: Another nope

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN:

19.) Airplane: Yes

20.) Car Accident: No

21.) Fist Fight: I don’t think so...?

FIRSTS:

22.) First Piercing: N/A

23.) First Best Friend: Anna from kindergarten

24.) First Instrument played: Guitar? Or some toyish thing more suitable for children? I don’t really know, I grew up with a lot of instruments, but never really played any

25.) First Award: I won a neighbourhood art competition sometime when I was in elementary school? It was pretty cool, I got signed up through my school and they announced my name at this big event, that I had already left but my dad and sister was still around to hear it. Actually I remember being annoyed since apparently I had to go back, although I was just handed my award and I had other stuff going on instead and I could’ve gotten it through my school instead (the event was for celebrating the neighborhood not a school thing). Although, I did get something nicer being there than what they gave to other winners at an separate event in my school later on. My piece was on display at the local library and I never got it back. I remember not really putting much effort into it.

26.) First Crush: Ahahaha no.

27.) First Language: Svenska

28.) First Big Vacation: What’s a big vacation? Like abroad; Turkey, before that within Finland uhh... let’s just say Turkey.

LASTS:

29.) Last Person you talked to: I replied to a message from my best friend when I woke up? Does that count as talking? Otherwise my sister yesterday

30.) Last Person You Texted: Oh okay, that would be my best friend!

31.) Last Person You Watched: Watched??

32.) Last Food You Ate: Knäckebröd

33.) Last Movie You Watched: Life. Went to see it yesterday with my sister!

34.) Last Song You Listened To: Ahaha do you have to ask? It’s Hitorigoto.

35.) Last Thing You Bought: Movie snacks! Chocolates, raspberry ice tea and chewing gum (this one was not a movie snack)

36.) Last Person You Hugged: I had an awkward sisterly hug yesterday

FAVORITES:

37.) Food: Vegetarian lasagna with lots and lots of celery. Yummy! Also minestrone soup! Those were the first two things my mum made me once I got back from Japan

38.) Drink: Ice tea

39.) Clothing: Flowy skirts and long cardigans

40.) Book: I usually go with Den amerikanska flickan by Monika Fagerholm for this, although it’s been ages since I read it and I’m not really passionate about it anymore. I haven’t read books in so long and I've never really had favorites when it comes to them. Just books I like a bit more and books I like a bit less.

41.) Color: Green

42.) Flower:  Allium oleraceum ;) :’D

44.) Movie: Doukyuusei

45.) Tv show: Shoujo Kakumei Utena, Kill la Kill, Mawaru Penguindrum and Monogatari series. If you’re asking for tv-shows in the traditional sense then Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Veronica Mars.

46.) Subject: Uhh... Biology, I guess. Was super into French and art too though and liked everything like the nerd I am. 

IN THE PAST YEAR I…

47.) [ ] Acted crazy in school

48.) [x] Celebrated New Years

49.) [ ] I got majorly bullied

50.) [ ] I broke an arm/leg

51.) [ ] My dog(s) / My cat(s) / Other pet(s) died

52.) [ ] Got a crossbow for hunting

53.) [ ] Cried myself to sleep about bullies

54.) [ ] Saw the police

55.) [x] Done something you’ve Regretted

56.) [x] Broke a Promise

57.) [x] Kept a Secret

58.) [x] Pretended To Be Happy

59.) [x] Met Someone Who Changed Your Life

60.) [ ] Puked first day of school

61.) [x] Stayed locked in your room

62.) [x] Tried something you normally wouldn’t like, and liked it.

63.) [x] Cried Over The Silliest Things

64.) [ ] Ran the mile

65.) [x] Died inside

66.) [x] Fainted

RIGHT NOW:

67.) Eating: Nothing, although I still have the aftertaste of knäckebröd in my mouth?

68.) Drinking: Nothing

69.) Getting Ready To: Go out and enjoy the beautiful sunny day!

70.) Listening/watching: Nothing. 

71.) Plans For Tomorrow/Today: Today I’ll go out for a walk, get some stuff done from my to do list, maybe continue playing computer games in the evening, maybe continue translating some manga... Pretty much the same for tomorrow, except for less fun and more work.

72.) Waiting For: Update announcements for my favorite manga. Got one today though so I’m happy! 

YOUR FUTURE:

73.) Want Kids: Yes, but that’s so sooo far away still. 

74.) Want To Get Married: Yes, I mean I’m allowed to have impossible dreams right? 

75.) Careers in mind: Researcher, specialist... I have no idea...

WHICH IS BETTER ON A GUY/GIRL?:

76.) Lips or Eyes: Ideally both?? 

77.) Shorter or Taller: I’m tall so I’ve accepted the fact most people(/girls) I meet will be shorter. That’s also why I get really happy when I meet people taller than me, although 5 minutes later that develops into an inferiority complex lol

78.) Romantic or Spontaneous: I appreciate both? Maybe romantic, idk

79.) Nice Stomach or Nice Arms: That’s not really something I take note of? 

80.) Sensitive or Loud: Sensitive. I hate loud people ...Wait, what exactly is this asking?

81.) Hook-up Or Relationship: Relationship

82.) Troublemaker or Hesitant: Hesitant, although since I’m also hesitant it doesn’t really work. I just really dislike troublemakers

HAVE YOU EVER:

83.) Lost Glasses/Contacts: No, it probably helps I don’t wear any. Also I don’t lose stuff 84.) Ran Away From Home: For some hours max 85.) Held A Weapon, For Self Defense: No 86.) Killed Somebody: No 87.) Broken Someone’s Heart: Ugh, yes 88.) Been Arrested: No

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90.) Yourself: I believe in the me that believes in you 91.) Miracles:  Believe in miracles and they will know your feelings 92.) Love at First Sight: In the real world? No 93.) Heaven: No  94.) Santa Claus: No, except for when I tell people about him 96.) Magic: MAGIC ISNT REAL STUPID STOP BELIEVVIN IN IT

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

97.) Someone you wanna be with right now?: Uhhh not really? 98.) Are You Seriously Happy With Where You Are, In Life: No, stopped being happy 2,5 weeks ago. Now it’s just stress and angst and feelings of failure and unworthiness.  100.) Post as 100 Truths and Tag five people: @jyudais, @strawberryeclaire, @mirikins, @natsunes and you reading this now ;) If you want to, of course!

[kitty-bandit]

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, write a post with 82 truths about yourself and then tag 25 people.

Tagged by: @49thpersona (Thanks, sweetie! ;A; These are so fun!)

Most Recent: Drink: Oolong tea Phone Call: Actually, @moreraven called me to ask me what I wanted Gerhard to buy me for dinner last night. XD Text: From Gerhard, telling me about the junk mail in his inbox. ROFL. Song you listened to: Rasmus - Not Like the Other Girls

Have You Ever: Dated Someone Twice: No Been Cheated on: Yes Kissed someone and regretted it: Yes Lost Someone special: Yes Been depressed: Yes Been drunk and thrown up: No List 3 favorite colors: Blue, Pink, Purple

In The Last Year, Have You: Made a new friend: Yes, many Fallen out of love: No Laughed until you cried: Yes Met someone who changed you: Yes Found out who your true friends are: Yes Found out someone was talking about you: Yes Kissed anyone on your FB list: Yes (Gerhard counts! XD)

Extras: How many people from your fb list do you know irl: 100% Do you have any pets: Khan, Senja, and Pepper. Do you want to change your name: Nope. What did you do for your birthday: I stayed home, wrote fanficiton, and didn't leave the house all day. What time did you wake up today: 6:00AM What were you doing last night at midnight: Trying to fall asleep (I had a hard time getting to bed last night). Name something you can’t wait for: To finish some of my fic projects. Last time you saw your mom: Christmas What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish I had money. Like, a lot of money. XD Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Probably? Maybe? I'm not sure... What’s getting on your nerves right now: I want chocolate and I can't have chocolate. Blood Type: I have no idea... Nickname: Mom, usually XD Relationship Status: Married Pronouns: She/her Favourite TV Show: Do I have one??? Probably Parks and Rec. Long or short hair: I have short, short hair. But I also like long hair. Height: 5'7" Do you have a crush on someone: Nope What do you like about yourself: Uhhhhh... Not much. XD Right or left handed: Right First surgery: Hernia surgery when I was 3, because my dumb ass tiny self ran into an open door. XD First Best Friend: So long ago... I believe her name was Amanda. We were best buds in 2nd grade. No idea where she is now, since I moved far, far away that summer. First sport you joined: Soccer. First Vacation: What's a vacation?

Right Now: Eating: Turkey sandwich Drinking: Water and that oolong tea. I’m about to: Fall asleep from boredom. Listening to: Welcome to Night Vale podcast Kids: Nope Get Married: Already done, my friends. Career: *finger guns* Technical Writer :o

Which Is Better: Lips or eyes: Eyes Hugs or Kisses: Hugs Taller or shorter: Shorter Older or Younger: Don't care Romantic or spontaneous: Romantic Sensitive or loud: Don't care Hookup or relationship: Relationship; I don't "hook up."

Have You Ever: Kissed a stranger: No Glasses/contacts: No Had sex on a first date: *cough* Okay, but... technically no? XD Broke someone’s heart: Probably. Turned someone down: I... Yes? Inadvertently? It's complicated. Cried when someone died: Yes Fallen for a friend: Yes

Do You Believe In: Yourself: Depends on the weather Miracles: Yes Love at first sight: Yes Heaven: Yes and no Kissing on the first date: Yes

Tagging: Whoever would like to do this, please go for it and say I tagged you. I don't have the energy to fight with the browser on my work computer. (It hates tagging people, idek why.)

[harmonization]

9 2   T R U T H S

Tagged by @miss-lulu. Thank you lovely <3

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose however many people you want to tag!

LAST…

[1] drink: milk tea (I’m addicted) [2] phone call: my parents when I was asking for a ride home lol [3] text message: also my parents. [4] song you listened to: War of Hearts LOL it’s been a while [5] time you cried: I can’t remember, but I’m sure it’s not that long ago since I cry at everything. Movies, TV shows, stress, what have you.

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: nope. [7] been cheated on: nope. [8] kissed someone and regretted it: possibly? [9] lost someone special: yeah. [10] been depressed: yep. [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: nope! Omg I’m actually SUPER-emetophobic so I always make sure to watch how much I drink so there’s absolutely no possibility of me throwing up

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] green [13] pink [14] black I suppose?

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yes definitely! [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: yes [18] found out someone was talking about you: lol yeah >_> [19] met someone who changed you: probably? People change me in little ways all the time, so. [20] found out who your true friends are: I think so. [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: lol no. Somehow I’ve managed to have a pattern of kissing people who don’t like or use Facebook (hahah does this mean I have a type?)

GENERAL… [22] how many of your tumblr friends do you know in real life: A few. I should actually say it’s more that my IRL friends are on Tumblr, so it’s not like I met them on Tumblr first [23] do you have any pets: I have a kitty! [24] do you want to change your name: Yeah, I’m not a fan of my birth name. But like 90% of people I know IRL actually do call me Harmony anyway so it’s just as much my actual name as my birth name. [25] what did you do for your last birthday: Lol my birthday is in four days from now, I can’t remember stuff that happened a year ago [26] what time did you wake up: Today? 4am. [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: Tumbling probably lol I’m always on this hellsite [28] name something you cannot wait for: My makeup order to come in the mail lol. [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: An hour ago or so [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: HOOO BOY WHERE TO EVEN START. There are a lot of things I wish I could improve [31] what are you listening to right now: Crickets chirping in my backyard lol straya mate [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yes XD [33] something that is getting on your nerves: My Disk Cleanup not working oh my god I need to look up what’s filling up space on my computer [35] elementary: meh [36] high school: it was okay. I made the most friends from high school than from any other level of my education really. [37] college: I liked it on an academic level - I didn’t make a lot of friends but I enjoyed everything I studied. [38] hair colour: black [39] long or short hair: long [40] do you have a crush on someone: not at the moment. [41] what do you like about yourself?: if we’re talking physically, I’m ... tall, I guess? Lol. I was thankfully blessed with long legs, long arms, long fingers. [42] piercings: just the ears. [43] blood type: omg I actually can’t remember lol. I need to look up my latest blood report XD [44] nickname: Harmony [45] relationship status: single [46] zodiac sign: Aries [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: I watch way too many TV shows to have a proper answer to this. [49] tattoos: None. I may get some pretty one in the future, we’ll see. [50] right or left handed: Right

FIRST… [51] surgery: I’ve actually never had surgery! Touch wood so I never will omg [52] piercing: ears (first and only) [53] best friend: Tegan, my best friend from elementary school. [54] sport: Does dance count? (I’m a tapper) If so, then tap. [55] vacation: Puncak when I was like ... 3 or 4 years old. It wasn’t an overseas vacation (this was back when I still lived in Indonesia), but I still got to relax and have fun! That was my first time horse-riding too, I think. [56] pair of trainers: I can’t remember this either lol.

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: nothing [59] i’m about to: check my disk cleanup issues again lol this freaking laptop seriously [60] listening to: no music on right now - again, just crickets chirping really loudly in my backyard [61] waiting for: my makeup order to arrive in the mail sobs I can’t wait [62] want: my disk cleanup issues to go away and to put my hands lovingly all over my new makeup things [63] get married: one day yes (I’m a romantic sap ok) [64] career: I work with TV ads right now

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: I like both but I probably like hugs a bit more [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] shorter or taller: taller [68] older or younger: older? Experience and wisdom often comes with age haha [69] romantic or spontaneous: either [70] nice arms or nice stomach: stomach [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive [72] hook up or relationship: relationship [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? kind of. Like, he wasn’t a complete stranger, but we only knew each other just barely [75] drank hard liquor? yes [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? no [77] turned someone down: yes [78] sex on first date? no [79] broken someone’s heart? probably :( [80] had your own heart broken? yes. [81] been arrested? no [82] cried when someone died? always [83] fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? It’s hard. I try to but it doesn’t always happen. [85] miracles? yes [86] love at first sight? not really, not at first sight, no. [87] santa claus? if you’re talking about the historical St. Nicholas, then yes. If you’re talking about the jolly fat Christmas man, then no. [88] kiss on the first date? why not? [89] angels? yes

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: I’m not sure if I have one single best friend right now? I just have a lot of different friends I hang with [91] eye colour: brown [92] favourite movie: still the Lord of the Rings trilogy I guess. It has a special place in my heart.

I guess I’ll tag a few of my lovely shtv mutuals? @themagnusbane @nephilimagnus @buchananjames @highwarlockkareena @abloodneed @amorverus @chairman-meeow @zachdempsey - I know this is very long so you absolutely don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, but it’s a good time-killer if you’re bored!

[reikisessions]

Radical Gratitude: How to Turn Your Pain into Peace

My journey to living in gratitude began in 2010. And let me say that up until that time, until I was age forty-five, I was a complainer, griper, and a whiner, with absolutely no reason to complain!

Luckily, I was saved from these very wasteful, counter-productive habits when I was given a blank journal one Thanksgiving season by a New Thought minister, who told us if we journaled five things we were grateful for forty days, our life would change exponentially for the better.

I dutifully wrote my gratitude lists, and oh my god, my life did change. It worked! I let go of complaining and started focusing on all the good in my life, and there is plenty.

Since then:

1. I have written five or ten things to be grateful for almost every day for years and years. Each morning and each evening, I also reflect on what I am thankful for.

2. I have realized (and I am thankful) that it is now my calling and passion to share the power of gratitude to inspire others.

3, Because of my passion to share gratitude, I have written and published five books on gratitude!

Nowadays, I keep my gratitude practice alive and well by sending out daily email gratitude reflections to a group, and I also write letters to the Universe several times a week about what I am thankful for now, and in advance. I find that each year, my gratitude practice expands. Nowadays, I often write paragraphs rather than a short list about what I am grateful for.

Did you know that scientific studies prove that being grateful helps to be more peaceful, more joyful, and healthier? It is said that you cannot be simultaneously mad or depressed while being grateful, and I’ve found this to be true.

It is my belief that we can almost always find a reason to be grateful, even when confronted with tragedies, unexpected disasters, or even ill health—a practice known as “radical gratitude.” And this holds true for challenging people in our lives as well. Here are two disclaimers:

Forgiveness and acceptance can often be key to finding the gratitude in a situation, but these two concepts will not be discussed in this article. The article would be too long!

One more disclaimer: I realize there are some tragedies where a person cannot ever feel gratitude, such as losing a loved one or being sexually abused. It may not work for everybody and every situation.

But more often than not, we can find the gratitude in negative situations in our life.

My Personal Experience of Finding Gratitude in Tough Times

In the summer of 2018, Oregon (where I live) had many devastating wildfires. We watched in horror and disbelief as it came closer and closer to our home. It became obvious we would probably be evacuated. The smoke was black, firefighters and National Guard were checking everyone’s IDs before letting them enter the street to our house.

Neighbors and I got out of our cars to stop and watch it burning fields and trees so close to our homes. I tried to keep a positive attitude, but it got to be only a half-mile up the street from our house. Very, very scary! I love where we live, and the thought of losing our home was terrifying.

On a Saturday afternoon, as I tried to take a nap to escape, our phones started ringing and texting that we were in Level 3, evacuation time. Get out now.

We took our dogs and my cockatiels, computer, important papers, and some clothes and left the rest. We were evacuated for six days and got to come home—all houses and neighbors were thankfully safe and sound. Here are my gratitude takeaways:

1. We were taken in by friends from the Center for Spiritual Living where I attend, and actually about eight other people had offered us refuge as well. I am very grateful for that, and for Alison and Gary who made us feel at home, helping me set my computer up at their house so I could work and putting up with us and our messy pets. We all became much closer friends through this experience, and we socialize with them regularly.

2. I am now grateful for the firefighters and all personnel who helped—in my heart, not only in my head. They are amazing!

3. I think the biggest gratitude I have for the wildfire experience is that I was able to surrender and let go of coming back to our home. This was the only way to stay sane, and that was a gift. After all, it is love, not possessions that matter, and I got clearer on that through the experience.

When I was thirty-five, I lost my beautiful mother when she was only fifty-seven through cancer. This was a horrible time in my life. I remember waking up feeling good and then immediately feeling dread and sorrow, when I remembered that Mom would die soon.

One of my gratitude takeaways from that grief-stricken time is that I was Mom’s main caregiver, and that brought me much closer to her in those last nine months. My sisters and I got closer because of that experience, and that was the first time I got introduced to A Course in Miracles, a spiritual set of lessons that changed my life for the better.

My mother had what I called “Angels” helping her from The Center for Attitudinal Healing in Tiburon, CA and they studied A Course in Miracles, which prompted me to study it as well, because they were so giving and inspirational to me.

Also, before she died, my mother spent time reflecting on her cancer and what could have caused it, and felt that being a people-pleaser and fearful all her life had prompted the disease. She left me with the message not to be like her, which I am very grateful for and have always remembered, and changed my codependent behavior because of it. Additionally, we had time to say goodbye, which cancer usually provides, and that was a big blessing too.

One more example that changed my life incredibly in so many ways was going through a divorce after twenty-four years. This was a very difficult decision, I wasn’t sure if it was the right one, and my ex-husband ended up deciding for us. I was heartbroken. So heartbroken that I finally sought out the Center for Spiritual Living, in Santa Rosa, CA, which many people in my life had gently suggested I might attend because they felt I would love it too. And I did!

From the moment I entered, I got tears in my eyes, seeing all the loving, warm people. As I listened to the talk, I realized even more that this would be my spiritual home the rest of my life, and it has been.

I am eternally grateful for my divorce now. I took the spiritual classes voraciously; became a licensed practitioner, now serving in Oregon where I live. I am blessed to teach spiritual classes and workshops, and in 2019, I spoke at two Centers for Spiritual Living about the topics in this article.

I eventually met my second husband, who I have been with for almost twenty years, and we are much more compatible. He asked me to move to Oregon and I did. And I am in love with the forest, rivers, and beauty. None of this would have happened had I stayed in my first marriage. Very thankful!

In each of these cases, some gratitude was easily available, but more came later. It may take time, even many years to find the gratitude, but looking for it helps your healing.

I want to mention several well-known people and how they found radical gratitude in their lives. Each is very inspiring to me!

Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist who ended up being put into a concentration camp during the Holocaust, and amazingly, found a way to stay positive. He ended up writing a very impactful book as a result of his experience—Man’s Search for Meaning—which has sold fifteen million copies and thus, impacted so many people’s lives.

His premise is that we need to find meaning in life, and that will help carry us through even the hardest situations. He was a walking example. Here is a quote from his powerful book:

“Everything can be taken…but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Will Pye who wrote a wonderful book on the subject of radical gratitude, The Gratitude Prescription, after he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and, through gratitude, healed himself completely.

Here is a quote from his excellent book:

“In looking at our self and our life story through the lens of gratitude, we can come into contact with the beauty and heroism inherent in every human alive. Gratitude for self supports a compassion encompassing all of us.”

There are other examples too, of physical healing, where the person ends up being grateful for the illness. Anita Moorjani realized on a deep level that we are love after a near death experience, and could let go of her fear of cancer completely, and had a spontaneous remission. It is her calling to share her findings with others, and she wrote a beautiful book about her experience, Dying to Be Me, which has reached millions of people across the world.

Helen Keller has always been one of my heroes. Even though she was deaf and blind at such a young age, she somehow always found reasons to express her gratitude. I share a very powerful quote from her:

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched—they must be felt with the heart. I thank God for my handicaps. So much has been given me, I have no time to ponder over that which has been denied.”

In conclusion, I truly believe that we can almost always find gratitude in even the most challenging situations. It may take time, so be patient. Life is about how we respond to it, and we are always at choice, like Victor Frankl and Helen Keller so beautifully prove. I feel my own life examples also show this.

Being radically grateful is not always easy but incredibly worthwhile. Our attitude truly affects our lives, and living with gratitude is powerful beyond measure.

About

Deborah Perdue

Deborah Perdue, author of the beautiful Grace of Gratitude Journal, and four other gratitude books, loves to share the powerful practice of gratitude. She teaches workshops and classes and is an award-winning book designer. You can find her blogs here and listen to her talk on the same subject here. You can sign up for free daily Gratitude Reflection emails on the home page at graceofgratitude.com.

[alsharqawy]

💫

instagram.com/AstroMouda

⛵

facebook.com/Beloved1s    

♀

#Nothing_But_The_Best

♂

💫

Don't ever "hurry to judge ; nor to make any assumptions ;

no matter what"...

Please, I ask you this,

because I (for an example) am "unpredictable" in every way & so is my fate/destiny, as it actually been always, and will continue to be... Therefore, I've learned a lot, to not ever do or think or feel in such a way that made me realize through the experiences that it'd turn the whole fated-specific-situations into an entirely different "mixed-up, foggy" outcome...

💫 May be this is why I've been keeping it all out there, on the table, with all of my cards are being faced-up...

💫

Then I even have brought it with me to that point/level of both:

"Authenticity, Integrity, Honesty and Being-truly"

&

"Letting-it-all-go

and

Creating-anew"

🌟

I

"by the way"

work

as a freelance-

"Writer/Editor/Translator along with all the writings & editing in these languages (Arabic+English+French)

+

"All Inclusive Computing Services"...in which I can apply all of the mentioned above while using the programs that I personally installed on my computer 💻 along with all the windows installation specifications and working professionally on most of the common programs including the "Office suite" & the "Photoshop" of course.... And I have added the services that's relevant to the e-marketing + web-development & such... And that's when I ran by chance to work with one of the famous business leaders in our city (which is also famous for its unique location "on both the River-Nile & the Mid-White-Sea) and on top of all that, its famous Carved/Engraved Wooden Furniture, which I had the chance to work with one of the most popular & successful business-men during the time period of 2008 till February 2012... I worked with several factories & establishments during those years, had many positions in each one of them, specifically in the "exporting department"🏬 till I made enough knowledge, awareness & worldwide connections that could be "way good enough" + my own specialized skills in doing my own work-services to any one who's actually seeking a good & better service than the rest of the nonsense we all witnessed all the time, every where...

That's all good of course, and you may have wondered why have I been transferring myself from one business/work/place to another all the time... And the answer is simply united in all the world🌍 Working for "others" is always draining one's own life' energy...etc... They all are alike, in each country, every where, like a real-life' vampires or something more like it!... Even that 1st one I have ever worked with "my uncle", he's actually the middle son of the only sister to my late father... And that "uncle" turned out to be vicious & has so much weird unexplained hate in his twisted self, to the point "as I remember" he once came to our house to argue with my father about {how rightfully he thinks of himself as he has the right to claim a part of our own"owned" house🏡}, I never forget how angry & sad he caused my father to deeply feel, while my dad was the only one who actually always visited them before & after his sister died & her husband too, my dad never saved his energy in whatsoever as long as it was going to help his nephews & nieces feel better about their lives, in every which way he could...

And although all that contrast & oppositions between such close-humans-relationships ; but that never let any of us down "concerning humanity at least", we (specifically, my father & me) were always up-to-help, without never thinking of any return nor even a "thank you"...

My Dad has passed-over in November 4th 1998, he was my Idol in every way, even though, as a very "rebel" teenager back then before 98 of course, we both were like one & his opposition, with so many arguing situations which all of course been caused by me being...well "me", and he being "his", and with saying "his", I mean a very "idealistic" man who's so compassionate, talented, home&family-oriented with very iconic & still reasonable high standards, modest, down-to-earth human-being!"... That's he being "his".... His birthday was in mid-July (15th) & my mom's in mid October (15th)!  I pray for my father to be in a beautiful better place & resting in peace as I hope for my own self one day, to be all together in the heavenly garden of Aden, and I pray for my mom to be in a good health and to be able to let her worried mind be at ease and care-free as she should very well be in this stage of her life of course, I try & I do help a lot from time to time, if not on a daily basis, indeed... As do my sister as well, my sis is July 31th 1974, single, working as a Doctor Teaching French-literature in the college in the same city, we still all living together, for we already have a home/house of our own, that has 3 floors, my bro (November 3rd 1971) got married & living in the apartment above since 2004, has Jana & Jodie adorable two little angels, he's a Chemist at the Official-Water-Company in the city...

And as I was saying we all (mom, sis & I) have got to be together through this, specially since 2000, when mom had a stroke & moved to be hospitalized in the main "Heart Academy" in the capital city of Cairo, and stayed there for months, and I was forbidden by "her 4 brothers" my uncles, to even go to check on her, ever, they "between themselves & their wives" have considered/announced me as an outsider, since I "in their book" wasn't good enough for their standards & how life should be lived!!!

Because of the way they were "hearing" about me "being me" before that in years!!!

in that mean-time, I was here in my same-old-same-city all alone in the whole house, because my sis did of course go & stay with my mom during the whole time, except for 2 or 3 days to come in here to get something done & go back to mom, while I am still all alone in this house... my bro? You can say I was even loner with my bro at home, than with him not at home at all!

Yes, he's just "being him"!!!

Anyways;

I did "rebel"

as I always do,

but this time in a very different & unexpected way, even from me to me...!...

I (before this rebellion to even begin) was smoking two packs a day, along with pain-killers of very powerful type of course, occasionally drink or smoke weed, both, or not at all,

I just wasn't labeled

nor attached to anything whatsoever...

So, coming in those "testing days" while mom & sis away from me (5 hours car-travel) with no ability to go and see her, I could of course, against all restrictions, I would, but I didn't, because I knew how "caring" mean indeed, than they mistakenly thought they did... for if I ever went there & caused any kind of upset in the atmosphere around my mom, while she's in that very critical condition, they would all "point fingers at me" saying, "he is "meaning I am" wronged in everything and came to make my mom even more ill than she already is & may even cause her to...heaven forbid...! God! Of course, I didn't hand them that satisfaction & just stayed "low", very-unusually-for-my-own-habit "low".... And even did cut-down smoking at once without even noticing any feedback from its own withdrawal-influences & of course, along with whatsoever else that's mainly "bad", for my own health at least & also was a very bog factor of a distraction in a "time" that's just needs a hell of a "fighter", not a "smoker" or another shit... So, I developed everything "good" that's in me, and made it "in deed" out there in the "normal daily life", through at least making the house/home as much as mom would do when she's good as new, so I did it all, I went from a person who don't even make simple fast Sandwich of cheese or any other something, to a person who make a "Cake au chocolat" & a very good one indeed, in each and every morning when mom got home, plus making luch for all of us, and of course I cooked two types of meals as the list of mom's forbidden food on her health was quite long... I made it my job, to just take care of the whole home, basically "mom" and the rest is just as one... every day for 2 years and a half, cleaning, rearranging, cooking, making-errands, taking-care of mom, sis & even my bro... till she got a bit better with keeping on her "med" on due time, and started to get slowly step by step again to make a life on my own for my own... And within a year, I did it, in a very Aquarian way, I became a very artistic hand-writing-designer in the city, making banners by my own bare hands with specific stuff that mold & spark & shine even on its own, with no lights attached to it, not around it... among other advertisements ideas & .... just in 3 or 4 months, I became dealing with the top-business-men & women in the city, without even having an office of my own that they could come by & see it, I worked from home, without a business card, nor a mobile phone, nor any "usual" thing, and they all trusted & dealt with me, on just because I was "being me"... those 3 to 4 month were exactly happening in the winter & spring of the great year of "2003"!!! Only to get a partial "Amnesia" accidentally on 1 sec around 6 or 7 pm on June 12th 2003... I lost a lot of my existing memory back then actually, really, even when my sis came (as they afterwards told me all about what I still not remember at all), when my sis came to visit me at the hospital, I said to her in a very innocent & spontaneous way: "if you just have came 15 minutes earlier; you'd have caught "dad", he was just her & left before you come"!!! AND she just went outside-all-crying....

And the "journey" went on.....

Thanking God in everything & for everything

of which some I know and a lot that I don't, as we all...

💫

Although all of the heartbreaking that I have had my very own large part of, during the very welcoming-heart-open- spontaneous journey of my own way in life...

Through it all ;

along with all the turned-double-face/backstabbing "friends"... And each & every single thing/experience/feeling that you'd actually think of...!

👀

👀

👀

Here

I am

Mahmoud Souliman Alsharqawy

that's my 1st - middle & last name

Born on Jan 26th 1978,

10:30 am (local-time),

Damietta - Dumyat, Egypt.

I really don't know how to be so focused enough to come-up with a specific question that would in its answer open the door for me to a paved road of spontaneity, productivity & prosperity...

I'm just so confused by all that life has already let me go through for all my life, because I have literally been living my life "LIVE" ever since I was just 5 years old... which was the first year I ever worked and began working & continued working ever since, at first it was at my uncle's fashion-factory, they "my family" decided to let me be with him each summer "working", only because they couldn't "handle me, nor my rebel-flowing-energy", I therefore wanted just to be "out & about", no matter what///.... still, I was among the top 3 of my class in school, each year, my overall marks at the finals of every year were all FULL-MARK 200/200. Till the next phase of my life came along & I became so divided on so many varieties of activities & interests that no 24-hours could ever be enough for'em... Practiced Kung-Fu, Gymnastics, Creative-writing {had my own poems in both languages English & Arabic}, Basket-ball, Foot-ball, Swimming, Ping-Pong, and so many other interests/hobbies that all were equally interesting to me & I Aced them all as well...!

Not to mention my ever-lasting-on-going "relationships", world-wide, since the mid-90's through (remember those organizations that were able to let people from all around the world could write to each other, through 1st we send our own info & they compare it to what they have from others & do matching, we wait about 3 weeks or 2 at best to get a letter through the local post-office & all, and see who would be our match is, and gladly write be to her "in my case", and... wait another weeks... I think the organisation named "ICS" & the other organisation was "TransWorld" and both were in Finland as I can recall, I got their address from their own adds in a local popular magazine that was a hit in our country in those days, it was called

"The Youth"  So many great things have happened, in a blink of an eye, in both the 80's & the 90's and suddenly came the 2000 & life just took a whole different turn & a whole different way of turning!!!

💫

As I mentioned before when I fell down on the edge of the sidewalk that we were setting on... with my height 6.1 & without choosing a way of falling as it's all sudden in very fast speed of very short time, and I fell on the back of my right-ear, that thing that is responsible of channeling the fluids from the spine to the brain & also for balance...

I took 2 years in treatment... One year & a half I was re-educating myself from the scratch

"talking & speaking the words that are actually on my mind".... & then 3 years more to remember my own way in living, my skills, my talents...!!!

In the very beginning, after I got home🏡 from the hospital🏥

One night, after midnight,

One of the high-school "sweethearts" when she knew about what happened "she knew from one of the female friends that came and visited me while I was in the hospital laying in bed with those salty-fluids attached in my veins... And when she knew, I was already in the house continued on the medical treatment from one famous doctor specializing in the surgery of the brain and its nerves... And I was working on my "talking" which was so much getting on every sensitive nerve in my already damaged brain... So, that girl 👧 phoned me one night in the very late hours of it... I was setting up on the small sofa that I like, after I turned it around to face the TV 📺 and my headphone 🎧 bugged into the TV so I can watch & hear the voices out loud 🔊 in the MBC 2 movie channel without hurting anyone in the house with any of the noise... So, she called me & after saying hi and how am I feeling during all of this, she noticed that I'm not "being me" at all as she surely could know even on the phone, specially on the phone... So, while she sensed that I'm being hurt deeply inside, for just not being able to speak my mind normally & spontaneously as I have always been... So, without even saying anything about it, she just went from talking with me smoothly in whatever general matter & then into the next, nonstop, with that sense of humor that could actually let me even continue with her in that "life'talk"

&

Continued doing that in every single late-night, for more than 3 to 4 months, as I can remember!

Adding that the entire right-half of my body 🌗 from head-to-toe was hardly feeling anything when touching or even pinching (if I said it right)

And those two very obvious signs "the difficulty in talking & the senseless half of the body" those were just the two obvious signs

about

"me being"

"not me at all"

those two have took over 2 years & 4 months to actually get "better" & then another few years to just be "okay" and as that "doctor" said to me during that last part, he said:

"whatever you do ; do not include (staying-home-till-getting-better) as an option at all & no matter what...

For your real unique treatment is actually during "you being" in living-life-itself... It's always has been the greatest teacher to all & also the most efficient and effective healer of all".

That session was just supposed to be a normal checkup, my mom & sis were inside the the room & setting on the doctor'office-table-chairs that are facing his own main chair, but they're listening to the doctor' as well as me, while I was setting on the side of the Chaslong or what's its proper name?! Anyway, I, during the very first words of his, just put my hand in my pocket & brought-out my cigarettes'box & the lighter and opened it & took a cigarette into between my lips & just lit it up during all the time I was eye-to-eye with him, nodding, not even a blink👀

"mom and sis" could really have a hard/heart-attack, and she both sigh out loud saying my name with a very not believing tone, but the doctor swiftly & smoothly raised his hand ✋ to them while saying "it's okay" and looked at me ; saying "but I'm just concerned if you're a heavy smoker or just occasionally"... In that one moment of pure spontaneity, I actually regained a very important part of my memory, which is "speaking English" and I instantly replied to him saying in English "no, no worries doctor, it's just occasionally & I've been out of it several times as I please when I do, thank you so ; though"

& he in return responded to me with that line I mentioned a bit earlier "about : whatever you do...." he said all those words back to me in "English"

&

The weirdest thing of it

That none of us was even a little surprised by the other... Except of course my poor mom & sis 😂

As life & living go by ; I found myself having spent more than

10 whole years

in life itself

as it is my own completion of the rest of that very treatment!

🔆

& ever since

I've been in & out of jobs

(in which I was working for others)

till I had it

&

got it all over with...

And been on my own,

very very "own",

since March 2012 till this very moment...

💫

instagram.com/AstroMouda

⛵

facebook.com/Beloved1s    

♀

#Nothing_But_The_Best

♂

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13lW93YL37I)

[strayology]

82 Truths

sooooo I was tagged by the lovely @withnosuchgrace (and i didnt see this until now because ive been dead and tired)

rules: once you’ve been tagged you’re supposed to write a post with eighty-two truths and then tag twenty-five people.

name: Yumi !!

blood type: B

nickname(s): yeti (tbh i dont have many nicknames)

r/s: single and waiting for a kim yugyeom to adopt me :’)))

zodiac sign: scorpio

pronouns: she / her

favorite tv shows: The Walking Dead

long or short hair: medium ??? well it is pass shoulder length

height: 5′4″ (162 cm)

do you have a crush on someone: kim yugyeom???

what do you like about yourself: tbvh,, nothing.

right or left handed: right

list of three favourite colors: pastel purple, mint green, baby blue

right now:

eating: nothing, i just ate like few hours ago??? drinking: nothing,, but im thirsty now ;-; i’m about to: go through what i have missed on tumblr, and find videos to post on my instagram acc listening to: Call Me Baby - EXO (wow im on a roll with exo these days) kids: i havent thought that far into my life  get married: haven’t thought about this far with this either  career: a stressed high schooler,, but i wanna get a job having to do with computers or be a translator

most recent:

drink: water (I drank like 6 bottles of water today,, i feel like im drowning myself) phone call: my dad song you listened to: Good - GOT7

have you ever:

dated someone twice: i have been single for my whole life??? been cheated on: ??? ^^ kissed someone and regretted it: ??? ^^ (dont ask me anything anything about relationships, i have been forever alone) lost someone special: well, i didnt lose them but they kinda left and I have no way to contact them been depressed: yes been drunk and thrown up: im a good kid and i dont do underage drinking kissed a stranger: no, and i woud never ever (hah) do that had glasses or contacts: glasses,, but i wanna get contacts next year had sex on the first date: I HAVE BEEN SINGLE ASDFGHJKL broken someone’s heart: people dont even look at me how can i even shatter their hearts???? turned someone down: when i was 13 i didnt want to go to my friend’s birthday party so i lied to her saying im busy??? (i had many cases like these, because sometimes im not in a mood to hangout with people) cried when someone died: yeah,, i cry at everything fallen for a friend: i had a crush on this guy but he rejected and we became best friends???

in the last year have you:

made a new friend: YES !! and i love them all so much !!!! fallen out of love: ??? idk what this is asking lol laughed until you cried: all the time?? especially at our dork7 met someone who changed you: i think everyone i know in my life has changed me in some way found out who your true friends were: yes, because it made me cut off bonds with other “friends” found out someone was talking about you: probably my family everyday, also “friends” kissed someone on your fb list: I??? HAVENT??? HAD??? MY??? FIRST??? KISS???

which is better:

lips or eyes: i get nervous / i’ll start laughing if i look at someone’s eyes so i look at their mouth,, but i perfer eyes more hugs or kisses: i love me some warm hugs :’)))) shorter or taller: shoter,, i wanna be smol romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous??? idk  sensitive or loud: i feel like being loud really hypes up moods?? hookup or relationship: relationship,, i’m really determined in things like relationships troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant??? because when you hesitate you think

first:

best friend: omg i never really called anyone my best friend (like real best friend) until this year,, and it’s to my main hoe mira surgery: none sport i joined: nope,, i have never done any sports vacation: i went back to china 3 years ago

do you believe in:

yourself: sometimes??? depends on what miracles: heck yeah love at first sight: kinda??? but it’s not practicle heaven: i don’t think about death because i usually get panick attacks if i do

extras:

how many people from your fb list do you know irl: like all of them??? i dont add random people do you have any pets: my cat miyu (pronouniation: mew) do you want to change your name: yes,, to yumi what did you do for your last birthday: i was home alone?? and i had school what time did you wake up today: 9am (i had work ;-;) what were you doing last night at midnight: probably yelling at nikki about how much i love yugyeom and how soft i am for him something you can’t wait for: to go to hershey park with mira !! (aka trying to get rid of my fear of roller coasters) last time you saw your mom: few hours ago,, i lock myself in my room what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: that i wasnt so afraid and overthinking every little thing have you ever talked to a person named tom: probably some time in my work i did what’s getting on your nerves: when someone tells me how to do something that i alredy now how to do (like common sense things)

and I’ll tag anyone who wants to do this,, i seriously ihave been so dead idek whats going on

[austinspooner]

January 1st, 2017

So todays the first post of this 365 blog. What can i say about the first day of the year? It started off rocky, but it was a chill day overall. I wanted to go out and celebrate NYE and go crazy, but my funds are definitely on the low side and also i didn't want to do anything i regretted and especially not wake up with a hangover. So it's 2:30am I get a text from the girl i've been lightweight seeing and talking too. Nothing serious at all, but after the 10 calls or so, of her insisting and fighting me to come over, over her choices and unfortunate events i just couldn't help get mad, even angry because i said she couldn't come over since i was really just focusing on working on some thinga and planning for the month. I really needed to focus, but the fact that she couldn't respect me saying no and her being persistent i've decided in my head i would rather have her just as a friend than anything else. It was just too much, especially on the new years and i just wasn't having it. It made me really think twice about dating, time management, and just being careful with my decisions. I slept most of the day (it was just one of those days)'d say until 3:00pm, i got up, i showered, and then i relaxed and tried to practice some cardistry, and then got a call from my roommate Ken, saying he needs the back door open. Him and mike ask for my help and this guy just bought a dope little firepit for the backyard. Ken assembled it, then we had a little backyard kick it. Our friend gabe came over, we chilled a bit more and waited for the fire to settle down. After the fire burnt out, our next destination was, korean bbq. For korean bbq, we decided to head to millbrae. This spot is a classic kbbq spot thats been around for a while. I consider one of the best, mainly because you dont have to eait or order your food. You simply just say you're here for the buffet, you get your coals and grills, then from there on, the world is yours. You have complete freedom of what you eat, all the way from the appetizers to the meat you grill. We ended up overestimating the buffet and just had the hardest time finishing the meat, i could still eat, but the last few bites were the hardest and by the time we left, we just all died from food coma. From there, we headed back to 368(mine but mainly ken's spot, also i'm moving out in 2 days). I got a tinder match on the way home. I got pretty excited, it's not everyday you get a cool match on tinder. When we got back, we just chilled, goofed off as usual, and at the same time I was making small talk with this girl on tinder. It was chill, but just before she unmatched me i told her to just call me and we'll see where it goes from there. Maybe 10 minutes later, i get an unfamiliar area code calling me, i wondered if it was the girl before i answered it. I answered the call. It was her. The call was super spontaneous, but i talked to that girl on the phone for about 2 and a half hours. Tbh, shes super dope and the fact that she speaks her mind and has a lot to say is a big plus in my books. Within that 2 hour phone call, i think shes spoken more words to me then the last 5 girls i've dated. I thinks thats dope. I love that shit. The way she was explaining her life and her morals just got me instantly reeled in and interested. She's got some really dope morals, aspirations, and purpose for life and damn, she can sing yo. It been a while since i actually sparked interested in someone and had some real ass conversation with. All i can say is, we'll see where this goes. I'm definitely down and open minded. Always gotta remind ourselves that life is too short. After the call, i helped ken out with a tiny project he was working on for his. It came out dope and i just did some behind the scenes to document it. And now it's 4:07am as i type this all up, i've decided to do a blog everyday like this to document progress and just have a typed form of my days. I guess you can call this a project, but mainky it's just for personal growth. Maybe i'll start writing that book...hm maybe I have school in exactly, 4 hours and 20 minutes, i have to bus by 6:30am to get my supplies from freshcuts, then after i have to go to school and be there by 8:30am. The question now is, do i stay up or do i sleep? Did i mention my computer's broken? Damn... Well i'll end this here. TBC... -Steez