#ALSO !! ARTHUR DESIGN WILL BE POSTED TODAY I PROMISE

[mads-does-stuff]

please please please I desperately need more kayne art from you you draw him perfectly

not forced, of course!! just a little anon crawling around like a slug on your blog

anon im going to kiss you on the mouth

[it-brought-me-to-my-knees]

DIGICORE LOVE

[Tyler, The Creator voice] RANDOM DISCLAIMER:

Unlike some of my Twitter mutuals I have a very spotty knowledge of the past few years of SoundCloud rap, the history of the term “digicore”, and so on, so don't take any of this as gospel; this is just me shining a light, through the lens of my own personal experience, onto something that means a lot to me. And that "something" is daft post-trap indietronica for gay zoomers. What can I say - I'm a silly goose!

Hey, remember chillwave? Wait wait wait, please don’t close the tab my jaded millennial friends, I promise this post isn’t actually about that! Even this bit is more about the other stuff that was floating around at the same time: the weird experimental pop of the late ‘00s/early ‘10s that, like chillwave, often involved retro tech and a haunting sense of atmosphere but didn’t fully commit to summery vibes. Cloud rap pioneers like Clams Casino, conceptual chinstrokers like Oneohtrix Point Never a.k.a. Daniel Lopatin from Ford & Lopatin (a.k.a. Games)... and soulful white boys who settled in a previously undiscovered spot somewhere between Jodeci and Arthur Russell: How To Dress Well, Autre Ne Veut, and d’Eon.

I didn't listen to d’Eon much at the time, but in early 2022 I checked out his latest LP Rhododendron on a whim and, while the more experimental material wasn't really my cup of tea, I instantly fell in love with the title track - and then it started to drive me (very slightly) insane.

I loved it because it felt both like something from another world and like something I’d known all my life, like a song from a Dreamcast JRPG I’d never played... which drove me insane because I never even owned a fuckin' Dreamcast, and when I actually look back at the relevant music of that era it's never quite the same. I don’t mean to be dismissive of video game soundtracks, many of them are wonderful—this gorgeously wonky indie-tinged track from the Evergrace 2 soundtrack somehow predicted Gold Panda’s whole style, and this Main Attrakionz classic is built around a sample from Chrono Cross—but...

Thankfully I’m not trying to permanently solve the countless strange problems of nostalgia today - I’ll probably circle back to the topic a few times in future posts, and anyway I hear that many very serious academics are already hard at work sorting these things out. But stumbling around online for interviews about his inspirations, ready to grab d’Eon by the lapels and yell “WHO ARE YOUR GUYS?”, I found one where, just as his music perfectly resonated with my gay loser heart, he casually but thoroughly summed up the exact thoughts that my idiot brain had never managed to fully put into words.

In short: there are two hyperpops.

But you have that kind of music [Charli XCX], which is like pop with futuristic or kooky sound design, and then you also had SoundCloud rap that had gone in a similar direction but came from a totally different sort of lineage. You had some people who were like, post-Lil Peep who were making what got called rap music but they were really just singing. And the production got more and more sugary and more and more hi-fi and complex, and you had artists like my friend blackwinterwells who went on an unbelievable creative streak in 2020, putting out hundreds of songs with various people. Each one of them is this hugely complex, melodic, major key music all done with really modern synths and really hi-fi production techniques. It was rappers, but they’re really just like, singing emo. And so it was like emo, electronic Soundcloud rap, and that got lumped in with hyperpop, it got put on hyperpop playlists. So, there were two types of hyperpop in my opinion: there was pop music, and then there was basically rap music that was unrecognizable as rap music. And so this Soundcloud rap strain of hyperpop was what I was really into last summer.

“Sugary”, “emo”, “rap music that was unrecognisable as rap music” - yes! Yes! For the past few years I’d been drifting from the stately but puckish beauty of SOPHIE’s “BIPP” to the dirtbag buffet of the first 100 gecs album and then even further afield, to a really, really obnoxious song called “Kiss My Own Dick” that I just couldn't stop listening to. Sometimes I'd have to take a second or two to figure out whether something should go in my "hyperpop" playlist or my "emo-rap" playlist, which now seemed to contain a lot of songs that weren't exactly emo-rap - at least, not in the same way that Lil Peep or Wicca Phase Springs Eternal were.

Loose but convenient binaries were forming in my head: UK vs US, shininess vs scrappiness, impersonal vs personal, pop vs rap - and, most conveniently of all, “hyperpop” vs “digicore”.

There are so many exceptions to the rule here that these don't even really function as provisional guidelines - there is UK digicore (there’s a lad called Kurtains who lives in Carmarthenshire. WELSH digicore!) and US hyperpop, and “impersonal vs personal” is a near-impossible distinction at the best of times, let alone when the supposedly “personal” side will happily sing/rap about anything from blatantly fictional street-rap clichés to horse theft and the “impersonal” one includes songs as moving as SOPHIE’s “Immaterial”. And yet…

“Immaterial” is one of my favourite songs of all time, no question, but I’ve seen people point out that SOPHIE was always far more interested in art as a tool for formal expression rather than personal confession, and that several of her most beloved songs were heavily co-written by her excellent collaborator Cecile Believe. Even “It’s Okay To Cry”, a song very clearly inspired by the trans experience, is written at a slight remove, in the second-person.

To be clear, I don’t think it’s as simple as “SOPHIE didn’t care about lyrics”. Songs like “BIPP” and "JUST LIKE WE NEVER SAID GOODBYE" are so painstakingly word-perfect that they remind me of arch-formalists like her beloved Pet Shop Boys, or Stephin Merritt, or even the poet Thom Gunn, who once wrote about being far more moved by a Renaissance sculptor’s work-for-hire than by the melodramatic angst of his Creative Writing students, its generic execution of religious themes and marble perfection allowing it to serve as an empty vessel for his own thoughts and feelings. (Ngl, it is very striking that all of these people are gay.)

But sometimes I don't want marble perfection. Sometimes, it turns out, I want to hear "Kiss My Own Dick". Or maybe something that sounds like "Kiss My Own Dick", but isn't about snowball kisses. (Yeah he's not literally kissing his own dick. He's speaking figuratively. It's kind of like poetry in that way.)

I don’t want to cite the first wave of punk as the obvious precedent to any raw, widespread outburst of grassroots creativity like some NME hack, but I do feel the need to say that I’m not going to cite it, so Idk, maybe that cliché is kinda inescapable. There's something thrilling about young freaks in their bedrooms making music so deeply personal (not even necessarily in the sense of their lyrics being confessional so much as the specificity and intensity of their musical vision) but with such towering ambition, with their imaginations, Google-enabled curiosity and pirated music software opening up whole new worlds and allowing for magpie-like pilfering and a breadth of musical knowledge that simply wouldn’t have been possible a few decades ago, especially without an obscenely huge budget. (Shout-out to Randy Newman and Van Dyke Parks for shaking their record companies down for as much debut-album money as they possibly could then spending it all on extra cellists for shockingly uncommercial songs about, like, a guy in 19th century Oklahoma falling over. It's a miracle they're still in the music industry 50 years later and not in shallow graves.)

Maybe the giddy irreverence of the best digicore is like punk, but the fascination with sprawling soundscapes and heavy ~vibes~, especially in Jane Remover’s Frailty, imo the best album that's emerged from this… genre?... loose collection of online music scenes?... is more like... prog? But also like neither of these things, because it mostly sounds like emo... but with shoegaze’s warmth and weight, and an unusual emphasis on synths (no offence to emo Moog-havers like the Get Up Kids and Motion City Soundtrack). Oh, and there’s a bit that sounds exactly like a Nintendo 3DS soundtrack.

Where was I?

AN INCOMPLETE LIST OF HYPERPOP/DIGICORE INFLUENCES

emo (the genre as a whole has some interesting similarities with “fifth-wave emo”/”post-emo” but I am not getting into all of that today lmao)

‘10s trap (which was itself influenced by early Three 6 Mafia, who cannot possibly have imagined how influential they would become decades later)

house (Charli XCX directly sampling “Show Me Love” by Robin S on her middling 2022 album was gilding the lily, or, more accurately, making the lily a bit shit. It’s one of the greatest songs of all time, either pay indirect homage to it—“BIPP” did this very well, imo—or leave it alone!)

UK garage (the wild thing about this one: before PinkPantheress properly took off in the States I think the main influence was “Frail State of Mind” by the 1975 (sampled in saoirse dream's "upset", for instance)

’10s EDM (Porter Robinson looms especially large but Skrillex is up there too)

all sorts of dance music, really - Jersey club, Aphex Twin style acid house etc. etc. - but the one that stands out the most to me is “breakcore” (it’s drum and bass, but like… more)

“teen”/”disposable”/”novelty” chart hits

‘90s indie

cloud rap (I dismissed Yung Lean as a novelty at the time but now it’s 2023 and Bladee and Ecco2k are the ones still bearing the cloud rap torch. My apologies to Sweden, good luck with the Eurovision)

video game soundtracks (it’s nice that the “cringe” influence of chiptune is often embraced very casually, these kids love their dang Undertales)

nightcore (nightcore barely exists as a genre but the squeaky vocals and euphoric trance instrumentals of hyperpop/digicore have retroactively validated it as one. People aren’t just influenced by Cascada - they’re influenced by a low-quality YouTube upload of “Everytime We Touch” sped up by 33%. Probably accompanied by a picture of an anime girl.)

J-pop

third-wave ska (okay this one might just be 100 gecs - I really respect them continually leaning into this instead of just doing it as a one-off novelty)

And so on and so on - and then there's the countless possible combinations of these genres, not to mention the ever-present potential to warp them into something new, like the Can of Bliss song that's so manic that it almost reminds me of Chris Morris's song for ravers tripping on the fictional brain-slowing substance "Cake"... it would be impossible for one lone autist to do anything with this embarassment of riches, except perhaps to present a very biased and selective account of the stuff that she thinks is worth recommending to friends and strangers on the Internet...

[SOPHIE - BIPP voice]

SO.

COMING THIS SUMMER (maybe)

An infrequent series of posts about My Five Favourite Songs (As Of Right Now)

A quick glance at “proto-hyperpop” - is it real? is it good? is it the Buggles?

An apologia for my obsession with something called “Dariacore”

A rolling Spotify playlist for the songs I mention on here, if anyone's interested in that. I chose YouTube to optimal clickability but let me know if any of the links are broken :3 (<- that's how I type now. It's a kewl hyperpop thing, you wouldn't get it XD)

[scotianostra]

Happy Birthday to the super talented Scottish virtuoso percussionist. Evelyn Glennie who turned 57 today.

Glennie was born and raised in Aberdeenshire. Her father was Herbert Arthur Glennie, a farmer who was also an accordionist in a Scottish country dance band, and the strong, indigenous musical traditions of north-east Scotland were important in the development of the young musician.  

She was a promising student of piano and clarinet as a child, and she was blessed with perfect pitch, the ability to identify or sing a note by ear. At age eight, Glennie started complaining of sore ears and hearing loss. Her condition steadily deteriorated, and by age 11 she needed a hearing aid, which she found distracting and later discarded. She continued to play music and found she could perceive the quality of a note by the level of the reverberations she could feel in her hands, wrists, lower body, and feet. Glennie counts as her major influences cellist Jacqueline du Pré and pianist Glenn Gould.

When she was 12, Glennie saw a schoolmate playing percussion. She started taking lessons, and, she told People, “… it felt right.” She graduated with honours from London’s prestigious Royal Academy of Music in 1985. It wasn’t easy for her to get into the academy she explains;

“To pursue my dream, I had to challenge the entry system for the Royal Academy of Music in London after they declined my first audition. They couldn’t quite see how a professional orchestra would hire a deaf person. I insisted on being judged on musical capability alone and not only convinced them to accept my application but help change the admission policy of musical institutions across the UK.”

She claims her deafness kept her from being caught up by social distractions and made her a better student, but she also realized it affected her ability to play in an orchestra, so she set her sights on becoming a soloist. In 1985 she made her professional debut; the following year she left for Japan to study the five-octave marimba for a year. Glennie’s first decade as a professional solo performer was filled with milestones: first performance of a new percussion concerto, first time an orchestra had performed with a solo percussionist, first solo percussion performance at a festival or venue. In 1990 she met Greg Malcagni, a recording engineer, and the two wed four years later.

Glennie tours extensively and exhaustively. She plays more than 100 concerts each year and has appeared across five continents. She plays on 20 to 50 instruments during each performance, “bounding,” as Michael Walsch wrote in Time, “from instrument to instrument with the grace of a natural athlete.” A Washington Post critic was almost as impressed by Glennie’s physical show in concert–which he called the “Evelyn Glennie Workout”–as he was by “the subtle gradations of sound and colour she brings to every phrase.” In addition to the details of her music and instruments, Glennie pays attention to the non-musical details of her shows, performing in colourful, theatrical costumes and with thematically designed sets and lights. Because she feels the music through her feet, she prefers to play barefoot. She says 

 “I can hear through my whole body”

Evelyn is a supporter of the Aberdeenshire language Doric and a campaigner for people with disabilities  for which she says 

‘We need to stop boxing up disabilities and trying to roll out one-fits-all measures for widening access”

Glennie also composed some of the music for the excellent film Sound of Metal directed by Darius Marder. She is a prolific composer for the library music company Audio Network.

[beni-draw-ikemen-please]

Kintsugi ~ Repairing with Gold

Kintsugi ~ Repairing with Gold  ◆ Ikemen Vampire Fanfiction ◆

CHAPTER 2 - STARS IN THE SKY

Words: 3,923

TW: Angst and Hurt ◆ References to Depression ◆ Mental Instability ◆ Mental Health Issues ◆ Implied/Referenced Suicide ◆ Suicidal Thoughts ◆ Graphic Depictions of Sex/Intercourse ◆ Vaginal Sex/Fingering ◆ Rough Sex ◆ Non-con

Pairings: M/F  Leonardo Da Vinci x Seiya Amanogawa [OC] / Comte de Saint-Germain x Seiya Amanogawa [OC]

Chapter Index [ 1 ]  [ 2 ]  [ 3 ]

                                ━━━━━━ ◦ ❖ ◦ ━━━━━━

A/N: This is a work of fiction.  This is fan fiction for Ikemen Vampire, character designs are owned by Cybird. My story however, features my own OC/MC Seiya Amanogawa who is from Modern Japan/Europe, who travelled to the Louvre for inspiration.

I have the AO3 link up my fic list but I decided to post it here as well. Sometimes, I’d edit some typos in AO3 but won’t update the original file. So there may be some difference >.< Also, no beta :p sorry. I only write for fun and release, but I hope you’ll enjoy this self-indulgent fic. Happy reading! 

                                           KINTSUGI - CHAPTER 2

                                                  Stars in the Sky

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Leonardo remembered being summoned that day. It wasn’t particularly any special day. He heard about the commotion — someone passed through the door — or so he heard. He dragged his feet and yawned as he walked towards Comte’s room. A gloved hand rubbed the back of his neck, one big final yawn before he pushed the door open. 

Platinum. And blue. The bluest blue he’d ever seen. 

“My name is Seiya,” she spoke too softly, almost like a whisper. Almost as if she didn’t want them to hear her at all. She did something similar to a courtesy, only it was more like a low bow— something Dazai or Sebas would do, he thought. 

Leonardo’s eyes stayed on her as she listened to Comte’s explanation about the basics of the mansion. How her expression changed with every sentence, and how her shoulders tensed when she heard about the month-long wait etched itself into his memory. Leonardo found himself reaching out to her. And the girl instinctively pushed his hand away, a soft shriek escaping her pale lips. Eyes of the bluest blue focusing on him. 

“Scusa,” Leonardo then took off his coat, lazily and with a heavy sigh, placed it on top of Seiya’s shoulders. Seiya sounded like she had stopped breathing, at that moment. Her eyes stayed on Leonardo. 

“It’s okay to be scared,” Leonardo offered her a smile as he sat next to her. 

He almost slept through Comte’s explanation, but his hand stayed on her shoulder. She looked like she would be cold, he thought. Her hair was long, but not too long. Reached just below her shoulders. It was swept on one side, and the other side partially covered her face. She wore men’s trousers, but they seemed tighter than what he would pick out for himself. And she seemed to wear a work man’s boots. But her blouse looked like they weren’t much protection for the cold. It looked like silk, at least, to him it did. It was secured by a string that wrapped around her made of the same material. Her shoulders were exposed. Leonardo thought of the many ways 19th century Paris could take advantage of someone like her. Her eyes looked like a soldier’s eyes — tired from war — he wasn’t particularly sure why it looked like that to him. Maybe that was one of the reasons why Comte was more protective of Seiya. 

Deep into the night, he heard glass breaking from the kitchen and Leonardo found himself calming Seiya down once again. That’s twice today, he thought. She trembled under his arm. She held onto him with desperation and fear, and her eyes seemed to be screaming “save me”. 

Leonardo held her close and that’s when Seiya gradually felt comfortable. More comfortable with him. It was safer there. 

With him, he assumed. 

Tears started falling from her face, Leonardo felt it in his shirt. He tried to soothe her by rubbing her head, casual yet familiar. He found himself hushing to her, softly. 

He promised to stay with her, and guard her door just so she could get some sleep. That night, it was really just him talking. Seiya only looked at him without a word. But eyes never left him. 

The morning after, he remembered waking with aching shoulders. And a fresh Seiya crouched down to his level. Curious eyes seemingly waiting for him to wake. His head and neck and back throbbed, but he soon forgot all those things when she grabbed him lightly by the sleeve. Her face was close, too close. 

“Good Morning.” she whispered with a meek smile. 

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Leonardo hated waking up in the morning, or just waking up in general. But that morning was different, vastly different from all the other mornings he’d lived so far. Something so ephemeral and bright greeted him a good morning, and he thought that maybe mornings won’t be so bad if she would be the one to wake him. 

He and Comte introduced the girl to the residents during breakfast. Her cheeks turned a slight pink hue as she apologised about her French. But all the same, surprising the Van Gogh brothers with her firm Goedemorgen. 

Leonardo carefully watched Seiya in those first few days, keeping his promise of guarding her door every night. 

He was glad that she got along with Vincent and Isaac. Must be something about the quiet types that make them seek each other out. She had trouble getting along with Theo and Arthur and oddly enough, she too, spoke Japanese with Dazai and Sebastian. Seiya didn’t share much about herself at first, but Leonardo was content to see her speak to Vincent often. Most of the time they would just sit there and draw or paint or fiddle with things. Sometimes they would talk for hours. 

After a week, Seiya felt more at home with the residents. And she would often tag along Leonardo’s adventures out in the city. She would watch him as he worked odd jobs here and there. She would stick behind him closely though, because she felt conscious and anxious of her french. And she was particularly afraid that people would know she was foreign, or at least, she wasn’t from around town. She was very particular about those things, and Leonardo took mental notes. 

It wasn’t really that she looked physically different, no — she could blend in and at the same time stand out. Leonardo wanted to ask her so many questions, but he was willing to wait it out. He wasn’t the most patient man, but maybe for this little one, it would be better if he tried, even just a little bit. 

That evening, as he sat by her door, Seiya called him for the very first time. 

Up until that moment, she would just greet him and speak short sentences. 

Thank you, she’d say. 

Okay, she’d whisper. 

At first it really ticked him off. Made him think she still felt afraid around the residents, particularly him, because she wasn’t like this with Vincent, no. But that evening, Leonardo felt himself stand abruptly as he heard Seiya call his name, his hand was ready to open the door, but he stopped himself. The door creaked open slowly, and there she was. 

“What is it?” he would laugh at himself, right there, he would. At how eager he was to know exactly what she needed, how he could be of service. 

He liked it whenever she looked up to him. Her eyes were so blue, like the clear skies of summer. And her hair almost resembled the soft sunlight that peeks through the curtains in the early mornings of spring. A mellow kind of bright, the kind that soothed the eyes and not blinded them. A soft kind of glow, like the full moon at midnight. 

She looked surprise to see him so eager, and then she looked away. Cheeks turning a hue of pink. “You don’t have to sleep on the floor,” he liked it whenever she looked up to him. 

He liked watching her carefully speak words, softly pressing her lips together and then taking deep breaths before every sentence. He enjoyed seeing her like this. It was the same vibe she had around her whenever she’d spend her late afternoons with Vincent. Leonardo enjoyed thinking about the fact that maybe, just maybe, Seiya was getting more and more comfortable around him. 

He smiled, and gave her a gentle pat on the head. “Guess I’ll sleep in my room from now on.” 

As he turned to leave, he felt a soft tug on his coat, Seiya looked confused and a little sad, at least to Leonardo, it seemed that way. 

“You,”  Seiya usually didn’t say much around him, aside from monosyllabic responses. But that evening proved to be a first of many. Seiya tugged his coat softly, leading him back inside her room. The soft glow of the lamps reflected onto her pale hair, making it seem like she too, looked golden. 

“You can sleep here, if you like.” Leonardo’s eyes curiously widened with interest and almost shock. He searched for intention in Seiya’s face. But what scared him the most is how casual she asked him to share the same bed. He was taken aback. His fingers reaching for the crook of his eyebrows trying to find comprehension amidst it all. There she was, dressed in her nightgown, and with a straight face, she asked him to share the same bed. 

Even for someone like Leonardo, it was a little intense. Quite frankly, he thought it was more that he wouldn’t be expecting something so bold from someone like her. But maybe, he had judged her too early. She was still and quiet as she waited for his answer. And she looked almost pensive trying to expect what answer Leonardo would give. She stepped back a bit, letting go of his coat. 

“I guess, even if you’ve lived for centuries, you’re still old-fashioned.” She chuckled. Very softly, she chuckled. And Leonardo found himself raising his eyebrow at her. Was she making fun of him? What? For being old? Her soft laughter was new, and picturesque and infectious. 

Soon, they were both laughing. Seiya apologised for asking, but Leonardo brushed it off, took off his coat, and shared the space just across from where she slept. 

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Leonardo learned more and more about Seiya when he took her shopping for new art supplies. He asked her during breakfast if she’d be willing to accompany him get new paper and new pigments, and her eyes lit up like he’d never seen before. 

She hummed on their way to town and he chuckled at how she looked more like a child on her way to a candy store than a lady out on a date. He would tease her and she would open her mouth to protest, but would stop and look away blushing. Leonardo found life in the mansion more exciting now, even though he didn’t want to openly admit it was more or less because of her. 

As soon as he greeted the shop owner, Seiya dashed to where the special papers were. She marveled at how “old” they looked. Not necessarily in a bad way, at least he hoped so. 

“I guess we have another artist in the mansion. Sorry I didn’t ask earlier, Cara mia.” his comment was left unanswered as Seiya was too busy eyeing the quills the store had behind glass. The inkwells that looked too beautiful to be real, at least to her. 

Leonardo let her roam the shop on her own, whilst picking up his usual requests. After a while, she settled with a red leather sketchbook, some paint brushes she picked up for Vincent, a bottle of ink and some quills. 

“Are you sure? Our dear Comte said to get you whatever you wanted,” Leonardo thought she might have wanted more things. Like a new canvas or some paintbrushes for herself. But she thanked him and held her new notebook like a treasure. “This is enough.” she whispered with a smile. 

He couldn't quite remember when it started but Seiya always had her new notebook with her. And in the afternoons, after all her chores, she would spend them by the gazebo drawing, scribbling, maybe even just writing. On most days, Vincent joined her. 

Sometimes, she would spend the day with Isaac. And she would sit there listening to his lectures. At first Isaac didn’t want her around. He didn’t want anyone around, quite frankly. But Leonardo guessed that in some odd way, she was stubborn enough to stick around and Isaac didn’t really have the energy to continue pushing her away. Or maybe they grew to enjoy each other’s company, much like how it was with Vincent. The three of them would often have tea. He enjoyed seeing the quiet ones interact more. 

When he would walk towards them, everyone would stop and look at Seiya, who would be collecting her things and would wave them goodbye. 

The end of day would always end up with them, spending their evenings together. He would often stay in her room, it was cleaner and more convenient, he thought. He would be on her floor, with his papers, or with the current book he’d be reading. And she would be by her desk, writing letters. She never put them in envelopes, he noticed. But she would tuck them on paper pockets she pasted on the leaves of her book. Leonardo would lean in and try to watch her as she folded small pieces of paper so carefully and quietly. 

They spent a lot of time together just working, just creating, writing, sleeping, but not much else. 

Leonardo knew Seiya was at ease when he was around and he intended to keep it that way. Three weeks in, and she would still just quietly sit at the dinner table whilst everyone interacted. She would often sit next to Comte, and he would sit across from her. 

Leonardo would watch her as she wrote her evening letters. Every single day without fail, she would. When he would walk towards her desk, she would quickly tuck them away, and would leave a blank page of her book open once he was within hand’s reach. 

“I thought you’d be drawing,” Leonardo’s hand leaned on her desk. And slowly, very slowly, moving to reach her hand. His fingers tracing hers, pointing at the ink stains by her fingertips. 

“Shouldn’t you be drawing?” she had this annoying habit of throwing the question back. 

Seiya did not mind it whenever Leonardo touched her. They sleep together every night after all. She did not mind his presence, if anything, she actually enjoyed Leonardo’s company. It was just difficult for her to actually express that. She would often wake up before him. And she would spend a good half an hour just watching his sleeping face. She wouldn’t touch him, no, but she’d watch him before she got up and got ready for the day. Often, she’d get ready and leave the room and he’d still be sleeping in, way even after breakfast had been cleared. 

A few weeks in, it had been a couple times now when some of the residents would see Leonardo waking up and leaving Seiya’s room in the morning. Most of the residents, including Sebas and Comte, say that they are now lovers. It’s hard not to think that, especially when they spend almost all of their time together. Leonardo swears he only sleeps next to her and nothing more. But as days went by, he couldn’t swear by it anymore. 

He remembers it so vividly, the first time they did. 

It was one of her so-called good days. She had been talking about the new sketches she did with Vincent. She loved plants and flowers, and Leonardo found it endearing how easy it was to please her. A small pot of flowers or herbs, sometimes, if the Count felt like splurging, tropical flowers like orchids — rare, delicate, and out of the world he knew that was 19th Century France— little trinkets she might consider pretty and unsual, would be enough to soothe her mood. That particular day, he brought in an empty perfume bottle, and he filled it with indian black ink. Got some hemp twines and used it to secure the bottle cap. And with his signature mirror-cursive, wrote stelle nel cielo.

He smiled, whilst thinking of her and how the light seemed to bounce around her when she faced him. In the dark of the night and with the lone lamp lighting her room, Leonardo leaned his back against her headboard. His coat was off, and his boots here set aside by the door. He was relaxed, like how he’d always been around her. Their evenings together were his favourite, and it became sort of an unspoken rule that no one would bother Seiya after dinners had been cleared, because she would be with Leonardo. 

He leaned and relaxed as he listened to her breathing. She sat incredibly close to him. He had his own notebook, with his notes, and there, in her hand, her pen.

 “Sebas told me your names have meanings,” His golden eyes settled on her and how she tilted her head in confusion. “Like phrases that correspond to each, what word did he use, character.” Her eyes darting around the room in thought. And she got her brush pen. 

“Sebastian’s name… Let’s see. Akihiko,” Seiya wrote what looked like chinese characters in his notebook. “The meaning would depend on the characters used. I don’t know how he writes it, but the meaning depends on it.” And he was most intrigued and impressed. His eyes examined and traced the characters intently. 

“We’ll have to ask him tomorrow,” she chuckled a bit, noticing the interest and excitement in his eyes. She learned to read some of the subtle ways Leonardo would express himself. Though she can’t fully understand and comprehend him, and he is terribly good at hiding his true emotions, she was happy to know that he can let down his guard around her, especially like this. When they are together. 

“What about your name?” Leonardo set his book on the bed and pushed it towards her again. His arm gently resting on his knee in front of him. A curious smirk across his lips. His face radiated a soft and warm hue, most probably from the lamp, Seiya thought. But the warmth that surrounded Leonardo was not so easily describable. She thought he was like the sun. Like the first spring day after a long and harsh winter. The sun rays, fresh and bright after days of rain and grey. 

She smiled, a soft smile, her pen between her pale fingers. Leonardo could only stay still and watch. As she leaned down to write on her lap, the side of her hair that wasn’t swept back would fall and cover her face. And whilst she’s focused on her characters, Leonardo felt his hand tuck the strands of her hair behind her ear. 

He was closer now, but Seiya didn’t feel the shift of weight on the bed. She was too busy making sure her kanji wasn’t a mess. For a brief moment, she was surrounded by the strong scent of cigarillos, and the familiar scent of Leonardo’s hair. 

His warm fingers gingerly brushed the tips of her ear and she felt her cheeks warm up. 

“Here,” her hands showed the finished writing of her name. But her eyes stayed on Leonardo’s, as his on her. His other hand traced the freshly-written characters and slowly, very slowly, closed the book with her pen stuck in the middle. Her hand instinctively settled on his that was now holding the side of her neck. He was closer, much closer now. 

“Seiya,” Leonardo’s husked voice trembled on her skin. And the way he touched her that night, felt so different than how he would usually. They would often touch, and in some mornings, they’d wake up in each other’s arms — but really, nothing more. 

Leonardo watched her as she slowly licked her lips, and spoke softly, like she would always do. “My name has the characters that mean star,” the way she softly hums and whispers became something of a comforting ritual for Leonardo. Her words and phrases, her responses and the way she calls his name became something meditative and addictive. A trance he consumed like a drug, he needed it more, even more than how he thought he needed his cigarillos. 

He was unable to hold himself back. 

He thought he could write the book on self control, at some point. But clearly, that night— how she looked with the glowing lamp light— something inside Leonardo snapped. His hands settled on the side of her neck, and he was ready to pull her close. But he tried so very hard not to. And she, was right there, and she looked so incredibly beautiful to him. All he could do was lean in and check for himself how soft her lips were. 

Leonardo’s lips on hers were light. Incredibly light. 

It felt like he was almost afraid to kiss her. Like feathers softly landing on your hand from the heavens. Seiya inhaled him, though he did not press hard, the kiss was long, and sweet. His lips did not move, but just stayed there on hers. She felt her eyes close, and with a slow and long breath in, her hands pulled him by the sleeve and she slowly opened her mouth to invite him in. 

Leonardo felt her gulp, and she moved herself so she was now closer to him. And his hand pulled her from the nape, and in just a few seconds, a deeper kiss. She felt his mouth take more of her in, and she noticed how careful he was to let her get acquainted. Seiya let her hand lean back as he pulled her closer to him, deeper into the kiss, and closer to his body. 

He would breath after a while, but not breaking the kiss. And Seiya felt herself drowning in the familiar and intoxicating concoction that was the scent of him, the tartness of his cigarillos and something with notes of velvet and maybe something mauve. Similar to a mixture of the smell of old books and leather, and metal, and sometimes, wood. All these things that make up the renaissance man, and something more that she couldn’t describe. 

“Seiya,” he whispered in her ear, pulling her close, his hands holding her head as he buried his face in her hair. How warm he felt that evening— a different kind of warm that what she was accustomed to— Seiya would always remember. How her name sounds with his silky husked voice, and how tightly he was embracing her. Seiya could only embrace him back. Her head leaning on his shoulder. 

“Seiya means star, Leonardo.” she whispered to him whilst he stayed there, stroking the back of her head. 

“Sounds perfect.” he whispered back. Peeling himself away from her embrace, his hands settled on her shoulders, she was now looking up at him. Eyes of the brightest summer skies staring at him, cheeks the pinkest pink tainted with golden ambient light. Lips that looked so tempting, so enticing and so delicious to him, his reason failed him after weeks of restraint. 

“I’m sorry I kissed you,” his hand how running itself down the back of her head. An apologetic smile across his face. Golden eyes settled on her pale lips. Pale lips now moist from the kiss. But there was no disappointment on Seiya’s face. 

And as Leonardo searched for something, anything that he could reason with, something to make him leave, something that would tell him he shouldn’t be there with her, he should be outside, he should be in his own room, or the library—  anywhere else but there—  Seiya’s hands slowly moved to his collar, and with a tight grip, pulled him closer towards another deep kiss. 

She whispered after a few seconds. Her eyes determined and accepting, almost as if she could see through what he’d been repressing for the past few weeks. Almost as if she could read his mind, and how badly he’s been wanting to kiss her, and taste those lips that chant his newfound drug. 

“Don’t.” 

-To be continued-

[procession-of-blades]

@loreyrs I can’t @ you but I went to respond to your comment on that other post, and accidentally a bit of a rambly rant after writing the answer, and I didn’t want to entirely hijack @warmaster-aranaies​‘s post like a butthole laskudflkg

We did get one other thing in LW4! It brought us the...frankly ENTIRELY out of left field “Darkness pays Orr a visit” poem subplot. I joined this game around the same time @commander-thiernaen​ did, so I got to Jahai a little later than most people, but I was playing when the episode dropped. I remember the utter confusion spread over the handful of people I’d followed at that point in time, “Wait why are they bring up Trahearne NOW of all times?” On top of that, it was a love??? poem????? Going back to Personal Story sappy soft Trahearne content out of NOWHERE and then...IMMEDIATELY dropping him again. Directly after the line is read and the Commander comments. Bam. He’s vanished again.

Not in the Mist Wardens. Not in the ‘hey we have a message from Glint!’ moment but I GUESS SNAFF HAS A REASON TO POP UP? COOL FANSERVICE NICE TO SEE HIM I GUESS? Snaff’s cool just. Like I guess it’s cuz they had fought Kralk in the past? But we had zero indication that Trahearne didn’t intend to see the dragon threat to the end. The closest I can recall to us being able to say anything about missing him or feeling guilty or sad or anything is when we find that poem, honestly.

And then back to as if he never existed at all. We have limited knowledge of the extent of Taimi and Trahearne’s interactions. No idea if they were super close, etc. If it was LW1 content then LOL FAT CHANCE AT US NEWCOMERS KNOWING THAT? Perhaps it was an optional dialog in an earlier story that I missed? But they just go “btw Taimi n Trahearne talked poetry once upon a time anyway back to Kralk,” and no elaboration. No payoff. Considering how War Eternal ended, it does seem like the theory about ‘it was gonna end here’ has at least a sliver of weight to it, and if so? They woulda dropped that with zero chance of ever paying it off, huh. I’ve been watching that

More analysis lbr it’s nitpicking under the cut

Anet seems to do...interesting and experimental things with narrative a lot. In recent years there’s been a big trend of ‘oh we have to shock and surprise the audience they can’t predict it ahead of time! bad bad bad!’ in media, and while the lead narrative folks on GW2 have talked on and on about how one cannot expect instant gratification, how people expect instant payoff, at least in the case of those ranting about, say, Almorra being (apparently?? maybe?) succeeded by Jhavi instead of the prior ESTABLISHED SUCCESSOR Laranthir, or the people ranting about Trahearne VANISHING AND REAPPEARING RANDOMLY IT SEEMS, there are a few narrative/dramatic concepts that they seem to...take really skewed opinions on?

To get my Wikipedia copypasta on:

Chekhov's gun is a dramatic principle that states that every element in a story must be necessary, and irrelevant elements should be removed; elements should not appear to make "false promises" by never coming into play. The statement is recorded in letters by Anton Chekhov several times, with some variation:

"Remove everything that has no relevance to the story. If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there." "One must never place a loaded rifle on the stage if it isn't going to go off. It's wrong to make promises you don't mean to keep." "If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. Otherwise don't put it there."

I’d personally count things like the Orr poem as a currently unfired gun. It’s sitting there. Drawn attention to in main story. Even has optional dialog in the Priory!

Moving onto the other point that came to mind, it’s not as if Arenanet is UNAWARE of this, right? In the company’s job postings for narrative stuff, there’s even a line “Unafraid to make tough calls, embrace the necessity of "killing your darlings", and take direction from creative leads.” So clearly they’re talking about the necessity of trimming the story of things you don’t need--

Or do they? It dawned on me a while back that I often see this context used out of context an AWFUL LOT. It doesn’t mean “kill your favorite characters in your story,” like I tend to hear people assume. Often attributed to Faulkner but apparently originating from Arthur Quiller-Couch, the full quote is actually:

If you here require a practical rule of me, I will present you with this: ‘Whenever you feel an impulse to perpetrate a piece of exceptionally fine writing, obey it—whole-heartedly—and delete it before sending your manuscript to press. Murder your darlings.

Now, I don’t want to make assumptions about writers more accomplished than myself, of course not. I don’t want to...presume. That Anet misunderstands that as a concept. I’m sure they prune the HELL out of their stuff. I love watching Guild Chat or reading their responses on Reddit/other platforms. They’re passionate as hell as a group and put a lot of effort into this. But...stuff like the points brought up in the threads today DO make me wonder at times. That plus the lead narrative fellow’s recent Twitter discussion about delayed gratification...

It really feels at times like Anet is firing...the wrong guns. Killing the wrong darlings. Such hit and miss points of focus on characters. This huge amount of clarification and emphasis on why we couldn’t ride mounts in the mines where we find Almorra...but also leaving zero mention of the aforementioned pre-designated successor. In-game or out? I can only hope that they’re aware of how disjointed a lot of these things come off to at least a chunk of the fanbase...and that my nightmares about Anet lampshading the dangling threads and then ignoring them don’t end up a reality.

-longingly stares at the carved tablet- I’ve never been so eager to see a gun fired.

[emblem-333]

William Jennings Bryan and American Socialism

No matter how many times we are confronted with the similarities of history we as human beings do the same exact things our predecessors did. We like to believe we are in uncharted territory, that there is something inherently special about the times we currently live in. Or, that we’re in the “end of history.” In reality, history never ends. Humanity never ceases evolving — or devolving. As the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and the disgruntled electorate grow angrier at how they’ve become ignored largely by their representatives. The only time we’ve encountered such a scenario in our nation’s history is The Gilded Age when the oligarchs in the country amassed a substantial sum of wealth dwarfing the income of the average American by embarrassing margins. Unlike today where it’s mostly tech giants destroying the country, in the later half of the 1800’s post-Civil War it was the rail roads and Wall St. exercising their respective monopolies to crush the growing force of organized labor.

Laborers were harassed, threatened, beaten by their employer for the mere request of better wages, manageable hours and basic human rights. In the days predating socialism arriving on the shores of the U.S the laborers were labeled as unruly strikers self-centered and uncaring towards the betterment of the country. The elite had their allies in the press smear the name of the poor constantly and populists campaigns seeking to reform a clearly broken system ended up dead on arrival. Even the book ‘The Wizard of Oz’ took pot shots at the farmer, laborers and populism in general. Victor Fleming portrayed the fraudulent utopia of the Emerald City as commentary of the issuing of greenback currency in lieu of Americans using the gold standard. In the middle of the Gilded Age, farmers had taken out loans when greenbacks were accepted currency. When times got rough President Grover Cleveland made greenbacks virtually useless and forced farmers to pay their debts back via the gold standard. This devalued their currency whilst rising up the inflation of the loans they’ve taken out. Greenbacks only have value due to the country agreeing at the time that it is such. The third party known as the “Greenbacks” sought to undo what they deemed to be an injustice towards the agricultural class.

While the Democrats favored the south they hardly were open to drastic change being proposed by the populists. Collective bargaining and making illegal for the government to seize land under “intimate domain” to build more railroads was frowned upon, even something as human as child labor laws were seen as harmful to the stability of the American economy. Never mind the economy seemed to crash nearly every couple of years.

Like it or not, but class warfare usually brings about economic justice for the downtrodden. The idea it doesn’t is a farce perpetrated by those either woefully and genuinely ignorant or wishing to protect their own capital. When the poor and the middle class unite to battle the oppressive elites it’s far more productive than if we fight amongst ourselves. But the below classes need representatives to champion their respective causes and unite the wings. In the days predating effective activism in the United States the best you could hope for is a representative forging his path, climbing the ladder of D.C and acting as your voice. That voice turned out to be former Nebraskan representative William Jennings Bryan. Bolstered by populist James B. Weaver his party fused with the populist democrats and managed to overtake the Bourbon establishment at the convention. Curiously, Bryan’s running mate was a wealthy shipbuilder named Arthur Sewall of Maine. Sewall never served nor had any experience in government. He was picked to possibly finance the underfunded campaign. The propaganda machine of the Republicans working in consort with gold Democrats did more than damage the populist Bryan. Losing, albeit competitively. Thus began Bryan’s reign over the party even though himself wouldn’t be elected to the Oval Office in either of his three attempts.

Perhaps if Bryan had chosen a more experienced candidate as a running mate his chances would’ve been maximized. It’s not like Sewall’s money did anything to assist Bryan. If anything it damaged his standing amongst the populists who were so dissatisfied at his nomination they nominated their own Vice President for the Bryan ticket. Initially, Bryan wanted second-placer Richard Bland Missourian representative as his running mate. However, Bland wished to run for his old congressional seat. Publisher John R. McLean of Cincinnati also was in the running finishing runner-up to Sewall. McLean was a railroad merchant and like Sewall his nomination likely spurs the further left wing of the party as well. Other names tossed around are governor Claude Matthews of Indiana. A moderate populist who broke up some strikes during his brief term. Matthews was lockstep on Bryan on social issues like prohibition of alcohol. Maybe his nomination would work as a mea culpa to the Cleveland delegation? The best option for Bryan was Iowan Governor Horace Boies. A supporter of low tariffs (a forgotten hallmark of Bryan’s candidacy), pro-silver and generally a decent liberal.

Bryan was far and away the most progressive nominee the Democrats — or the Republicans have ever put up. A fiery preacher demanding the direct election of senators, an end to child labor and proponent of Women’s Suffrage. Bryan was no doubt ahead of his time and paid the dear price electorally for it. The public wasn’t willing to jettison the norms to such a degree Bryan was proposing and left him at the altar. Much of his populist ideas were adopted by Theodore Roosevelt forcing Bryan even further to the left. Calling for a Universal Basic Income and local ownership of utilities in future campaigns.

Hindsight is 20/20, but Bryan would’ve been likelier to win if he picked a representative from a crucial swing state to balance the ticket and compromised on some issues, except the free coinage of silver. Though outside of the agricultural states it posed little to no incentive to the industrial workers of Illinois, Ohio, and other states making up the Rust Belt. Bryan likely needed to be more of a hawk on issues such as American Imperialism. In real life he’d support and volunteer himself for service during the Spanish-American War. In his religious eyes Bryan saw his country as liberators to the Cubans from the dreaded imperial Spanish. Bryan could drawback troops after the war was won and leave Cuba to govern itself and our relations with them would have been drastically altered for the better.

After winning Iowa by 942 votes Bryan bested McKinley in the electoral college 225-222. Bryan sweeps the south, excluding West Virginia, and does surprisingly well in the Midwest and west. Losing just Illinois, Wyoming, Minnesota, Ohio, Wisconsin and Minnesota. I campaigned as a crusader against tariffs in the heartland and in the industrial areas I promised not to overturn any apple carts by reforming labor laws. I managed to sell myself in moderate states like Iowa by appealing to their needs beyond the issue of silver. For the industrial worker the coinage of silver meant very little to them. What they wanted was basic human rights in the workplace. Bryan was their ally only he couldn’t manage to sell himself to them in real life.

To be fair to Bryan it is unlikely for someone of his caliber to have won given the circumstances. The poor economy and its subsequent blame was placed at the feet of the outgoing Cleveland. Fortunate enough to dodge the recession of 1890 which cost his successor Benjamin Harrison a second term. The Panic of 1893 ensured Cleveland wouldn’t be popular to challenge for a third term. Perhaps if Cleveland won re-election in ‘88 and McKinley succeeded him, imposed the unpopular “McKinley Tariff” designed to protect American goods and encourage the purchase of said goods. In the 1890 midterms Republicans were routed and by ‘92 the House, Senate and Presidency were under Democratic control.

Say this happens in 1894. The McKinley Tariff is vetoed by Cleveland when it was initially proposed in ‘90. President McKinley institutes his plan once he enters the Oval Office. Our allies Great Britain institute retaliatory tariffs against the United States and the recession of ‘93 is McKinley and his party’s baby. This’ll make it easier for the challenger Bryan to win in ‘96.

Chances are, Bryan pushes hard to get the United States out of the darkness of capitalism and into the light of socialism-lite. Bryan believed in a workers' right to unionize. He wouldn’t have used military force to put down strikes. He’d work to end child labor laws, regulate the standard workday to eight hours, and regulate financial sectors and bust up monopolies. Basically, Bryan is a better, though less bombastic Teddy. While Bryan in his old age, no doubt increasingly bitter at his string of his defeats, clutched to his bible during the Monkey Scopes Trial and embraced the KKK, the younger Bryan was more idealistic, pacifist and less set in his ways. In no way could he be mistaken as crusader for the downtrodden non-white people. But neither were the Republicans. Anti-Lynching laws weren’t passed until Calvin Coolidge did so in the late 1920’s. The Republicans dominated the White House in those days losing just four presidential elections between 1860 and 1928.

Not only does the United States image in the long term benefit from Bryan’s pacifist foreign policy — I doubt Hawaii is annexed during his presidency — you also have the Progressive Era arrive sooner with the Democrats leading the charge, the typically conservative party migrates to the more liberal Republicans for solace. The republicans at this time were friendly to big business and were beginning a downward spiral into laissez-faire capitalism. It took the miraculous arrival of Roosevelt to prevent both parties becoming stooges of the railroads and standard oil. Though Wall Street enjoyed preferential treatment because of course.

The electorate would be subjected to a gigantic realignment. The Republicans benefiting from the states ran by financiers, the Democrats still holding the south due to their confederate ties and further west where silver was very popular.

No doubt Bryan was a novice, but he was an effective novice. Despite having no experience in foreign affairs Bryan negotiated 30 peace deals during his stint as Secretary of State and preached neutrality during the run-up to U.S involvement into World War 1.

Bryan changes the makeup of the entire country. His Jacksonian ideals reverse the trajectory of where we were heading, eventually becoming the global powerhouse we are right now. Bryan likely keeps his throne until his death in 1925. So how the United States interacts with the European powers, the rise of the Soviets, among other entanglements is drastically altered. Perhaps Eugene V. Debs stays a Democrat and is a powerful force in Bryan’s administration. Maybe he’s a Supreme Court Judge? The United States potentially could become a proto-Soviet state only without the gulags and constant string of mysteriously disappearing government officials speaking out against those in power.

At the end of Bryan’s life the country he leaves behind is less imperialist, more reliant on agriculture and the wealthiest don’t exercise such power. Perhaps the worst of the Great Depression are avoided even if the Republican Party instantly takes power back after Bryan’s death.

The socialist movement stalled right around 1920. The Progressive Era assuaged many Americans away from the more radical ideology. Instead of the Industrial Revolution you’d have the Proletariat Revolution and it simply never end during Bryan’s reign.

Going further down the pike term limits are introduced after Bryan winning seven of them. So this completely does away with Franklin Roosevelt and puts the New Deal in question. Though the country is still smelling the fumes of Bryan’s presidency somewhat so much of his more ambitious legislation such as government work programs. The National Recovery Administration designed to establish a code of fair competition, to eliminate the cut-throat methods of industry likely isn’t shot down in the case of Schechter Poultry Corp. v. United States. The NRA is basically the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau with shark teeth for choppers.

Americans missed out on Bryan, but I don’t blame them. Bryan simply couldn’t sell himself to people who weren’t farmers.

Bryan: 225, 7,035,243

McKinley: 222, 6,736,978

Palmer: 0, 132,629

[hetaliaindie]

Going down memory lane

Just a little photo post.

June 9th 2017

I come back after more than a year, ready to try this out again.

I love how I'm always straight with ya guys in the tags yeesh.

July 4th 2017

The start of my first proper event, the Gandharva Event! (Though I've revised his design greatly ever since- there's no trace of Shiv in this anymore!!)

July 24th 2017

My first interaction with @grandparomeaskblog !!! When will I stop drawing your son in compromising situations-

August 28 2018

The very very first glimpse of Mr. G!

Also August 28

The day I started lowkey introducing the world to Shiv's 2500 year old crush.

September 1 2017

Young Shiv art!

September 9 2017

The most cursed artwork in this entire blog, thanks to aforementioned Grandpa Rome and Mr. Camel ( @de-beste-persian-empire) 

September 16 2017

I think, this is the first sridevi we got on this blog. No introduction, nothing.

Same day and we have Sridevi being as demanding of sweets as she always is, and our lovely Aarya! @ask-ladylotus​. The world deserves more india wamen.

September 21 2017

One of my favourite answers to date: Jugaad

September 24 2017

Gosh I don't like the art here at all, but here's the start of the lotus/god angst.

Same Day

The cutest darn Shiv ever. I hope I've kept this side of him alive.

Same Day

I think this is interesting because it seems that I was really fond of a more metaphorical approach to some questions and I'm still like that today: Jealousy

Same Day: Start of the God (dream) Event

September 30 2017

Yeah that's really what they looked like then.

October 5 2017

This may have happened nearly 2000 years ago but I do keep referencing it so here, boys and their issues.

October 24 2017

Same story, more details

October 26 2017

This is truly one of the most beautiful works I've made, and this is when I start getting very fond of this kind of storylike narrative, bright colours and literal metaphors.

November 3 2017

Jerks.

November 5 2017

Mr and Mrs. did have their casual pretend intimacy. Now she's alone but Mr. Gold has Zar. I hope we see her grow now that her fake love partner's dead and reborn.

December 19 2017

This is about when I fell in love with both of them tbh. Btw the baby was carefully delivered to an orphanage and quickly adopted by one of Mr. G's workers.

December 28 2017

The start of a legend. The Highschool AU. Would you believe me if I told you that Gypty and I still work on it casually or see various futures spawned from it? 

January 15 2018 (Welcome to 2018 my good folks, we made it)

This isn't important content but artwise, It's when I really started pushing for dynamic stylistic choices for my art.

January 16 2018

You really really see it here, and also I start indulging more in patterns to brighten up the simplicity of everyday life. I'd also say this is where the general body differences are most exaggerated between them all (even with sridevi as a child).

January 22 2018

A comment on Arthur Kirkland.

January 23 2018

A memory of the Sack of Delhi. It may strain your eyes (unfortunately I can't say that was on purpose), but it's a tribute to a nation who's heart has been stamped on by circumstances that no one can predict, yet its spark still lights. From an art standpoint, I was very proud of the expression I felt I conveyed well in this panel.

January 28 2018

Listen the amount of research I put into giving you a culturally intriguing gag response- 

February 2 2019

Mrs. Gold, I definitely improved a lot with colour usage here.

February 1 2018

This is where I have truly tried too hard on colours but I'm really warming up to it. (Oh nu is my icon that old- i'll get a new one soon I promise)

Please just take a moment, if you're someone who is an artist and is on a journey, to compare this piece with some of the earlier ones in this post. This improvement wasn't completely random. It started with looking for stylistic changes in the way I drew- in my case, really exaggerating the flowiness of my strokes and sharp points (messing around with a grittier brush, helped me a lot too, if you're someone who sticks with soft brushes or mechanical pencils, I couldn't recommend trying to use a textured brush or irl charcoal to get a grasp on the type of mood you want to evoke). At some stage it became a love story with color too, but colour takes time and lots of adjustment, which is why you won't see much of it in my blog.

March 5 2018

This is where I really start pushing the exaggeration on Mr. G, but only to get a feel for him. He evolved from a chunky nosed, physically imposing figure with a laughable quantity of gold, to something more desperate and dependant on money, something lean and mean with a nose that could poke an eye out. And here, most prominent is the shape of his lips, which had grown more prominent than before and very good for emphasizing his frown (and hell to work with when trying for his dimpled smile).

March 11 2018

I drew this for an rp starter since words couldn't describe what was in my head. I think it's a fine example of my adoration for patterns- but not just patterns, the idea of luxury beyond compare. It's prominent in my blog but only because I have the brain of a magpie and am constantly like ‘ooo shiny’. But really, I drew what I liked, so I improved. Find something you like drawing if you haven't yet. It can be skulls, it can be leaves, feathers, find your motifs and everything will honestly follow along.

May 17 2018

Post exam-hiatus, I am back with the gang, my art style is a bit rusty but boy have I got intimately involved with colours.

May 22 2018

I can't get colours out of my head, I'm thinking about them day and night, I need to create, I need to and so I do. (In all honesty I am certain that something greatly inspired me to do this but I cannot recall what).

June 12 2018

The Kill Cindy 2k18 movement is born. I can finally show you the Mr. G I have been hiding from you all.

July 1 2018

Something I can point out now is that while I think my colours work (honestly i was making use of patterns to distract you all at this stage- before I returned from my hiatus, I'd been rejected in an interview for an animation course and the key point my interviewer made was that my sense of colour was jarring, so I really was sensitive over it but seeking out improvement), what I would change is that adding a clear light source and allowing an atmosphere (by adjusting the main figures’ hues slightly to match the background) to emerge in my art would make it a lot better. And I start to grasp at this knowledge.

August 19 2018

The start of the bodyswap event, I swear I'll get back to it. I just want to use it as a stepping stone to get some meaningful character development out of it, thus it's ongoing.

See here, this is where I just stop caring about skin and character colour as something that should more or less be constant. Now it's vibrant and blinding for no other reason than I want to make you feel (granted, I did that too much here and it makes things hard to understand much less appreciate).

September 8 2018

Here I'm really just feeling the colours, Shiv's home is easy- everything is luxurious but at once welcoming (or at the very least, pampering), Sridevi's home on the other hand was shown to be neater and almost less personal, there isn't much immersion allowed in her place but in Shiv's..oh man.

November 2018

As you can see, activity has been dwindling what with rigorous college days and having moved to a new city. It should pick up eventually, but let me close this off with some new art.

Do I have something to say about this piece? Yes, I do! The point of view is Shiv's, thus the warm colours and the way he blends into the background. The main figure here is not himself or his 2nd player, but the vibrant peacocks, that exist in a shade of blue too vibrant to be real. In between the two sentient figures, is our young Mr. Gold, clearly he has the favour of these birds but he doesn't seem very affected by them- unlike the jealous Shiv. He's the dullest colour present and he wears the blandest clothing, the matters of peacocks (be they blue or orange) do not apply to him and he is at once alienated. 

Today, November 14th 2018

So after everything, here we are. Is this what all my art was moving towards? No it isn't, it's really just me playing around with photoshop brushes, but the mood of this image is something I feel that I've conveyed with integrity. That's what I want to keep striving for. Thank you all for staying with this blog as long as you have, thank you to all my newer followers, I've linked most of these points to their original posts, I hope that Tumblr does not break them. Love you all!

[cameron-ashurst22]

Week 23- Weekly Summary

Day 1- Character design 

Today I was introduced to a Maya sculpting workshop using both Maya and Mudbox. This initial workshop was to get used to using the tools and methods to sculpt and create a character from cubes and rectangles. As I have grown accustomed to Maya sculpting through the radio task I welcomed this new challenge with open arms. The first task was to create three cubes for each part of the body and morph them using the various cutting and extruding tools to create shoulder and legs as well as a neck. This then became the base of the character. I found that using these tools where quite challenging especially with the multi cut tool as this would. Highlight other areas I did not want to cut. In addition , I did not want to create my character I am basing my maquette and drawings on until I fully understand the software. So I was mainly focusing on creating a character which utilised all aspects of the software.

The next task was to smooth the character and change the amount of planes available. The mother the amount of planes the easier it was o sculpt with the sculpting tools on maya. I found this difficult at first as I had made my character too small for the actually brushes. SO I increased the size of the character and began to try and work out how the tools work. I decided to create a visor like head which resembled a hammerhead shark. While also adding a shell on the characters back. I found that I should have extruded these aspects of the character before morphing the planes as this would have gave me better control and precision when creating. As I had just morphed the plane this would detract from the overall animation of the character later in the pipeline.

The next aspect of the workshop was to import the character into mud box . Mud box is a sculpting software that aids character and prop creation . I found this software quite easy to use as I imported a low resolution version of my character into the software and began extruding the same aspects that I had in Maya. I am looking forward to creating my sloth in both these softwares and I will continue to watch tutorials on how to improve my modelling techniques and processes within software like Maya, Mud box and z brush.

Day 1 - Character design maquette

Today I finalised sculpting my sloth Maquette and it is now ready to be baked to set. I found the sculpting process really rewarding as I could see the shape of the character show through with each addition of super sculpt. I found that the refinement process was the best part of the experience due to the level of detail I could achieve. I used a knife to create the fur for the sloth cutting into the clay to give texture . I then decided that I would do this all over the sloth instead of smoothing the clay . I found smoothing the clay difficult as it was too thin and it would reveal some of the tinfoil from the skeleton. I used smaller pieces of clay to add further detail to the face including the eyes and snout for the face. I also added little detail like the bandana and extra pieces of hair onto of the head. Overall I am happy with how the maquette turned out and I cannot wait to paint the finished product.

Day 1 - Mystery box 

Today I began to finalise the ending of the mystery box project. I am happy with how this project is turning out as I feel I have correctly created a sneaking walk with the right sense of balance and timing as well as a jump that shows a shocked reaction . The ending of the mystery box cycle is that the character will hold his hands up and drop to the floor much like a suspect would when getting caught by the police. I tried to emphasise the timing and emotion of this by having the character place his hands to his head in disbelief at first before resuming to place them behind his head. I feel this works well as it complements the piece showing that he was incapable of achieving his goal of stealing what was inside the mystery box. To improve this I want to achieve a crying emotion like his hands and head are shaking as he is distraught at being caught. For this I could add more key frames moving the shoulder up and down swell as the body back and forth this could give the emotion I want.

Next I decided to fix the key frames around the waist of the walk as there was too many and the character didn’t have a flow to the sneak. With advice from John I decided to distinguish a clear up , down a passing with the waist. This then allowed me to elaborate and add more key frames to smooth out the animation. With the adjusted waist this added more weight to the overall walk of the character this then played emphasis on the sneak.

Furthermore , I also started to look at the lighting for the full scene. I moved the previous lights backwards as their intensity was to strong when rendered. I found that having this three light setup gave the best angles to show the characters movement and emotion. To further improve this I am going to research how to add a moving light into the animation itself. This spotlight will follow the character to the box and be placed directly on him when he is caught this creates the illusion that someone is chasing him.

Day 2 - Showreel project brief

Project overview

The showreel will be 75 to 90 seconds long and is an introduction to the post production process. Using adobe premier to edit your showreel together. For the research aspect of the project I will research three successful and three unsuccessful professional industry standards animation showreels.

Intro and Outro cards

Name 

Title Nua first year showcase/Showreel 2019

Logo: Optional

Animator

Showreel examples

Jez pennington Showreel 

Ameal Isnard 

Hilde Buiter

Bianca Ansems

Stephen Anderson

Richard Phelan

Samuel Mclean

Neerachar sophol

Gustaf Lindstrum- Not a great showreel

Possibly the best ever showreel 

Music- only use music that you have permission to use . Be aware of copyright

Cut to the beat 

Choose music that fits style- check lyrics

Fade out

Can include

-Life drawing

-Concept art

-Character design

-Storyboards

l

Day 2 - Media in industries 

Helen Schroeder Lecture/Talk on careers- Pre-production work 

Introduction 

Has tried multiple disciplines. Helen explained how competitive character animation is and that if that is what you want to do you have to be completely driven and focused on that goal. This is instead of jumping between roles and jobs. She also explained that jumping and changing job roles can also help establish a career as it helps find what you want to specialise in. 

Developing career

At the start of her studies she focused heavily on stop motion animation. So in her work at university she focused heavily in the stop motion genre. She then through her final third year film got an internship in model making. She then became an animation intern on Dragon in 2007.This helped her become recommissioned  as a freelance animator and model maker. As she was working for the same company she decided to focus heavily on the animation aspect instead of becoming a model maker splitting and letting go of the opportunities that this created to pursue stop motion animation.

Aardman storyboarding course 

This was a professional course and a foot in the door to a major studio. This allowed her to work on the storyboards for Arthur Christmas. This helped her get the job in animating Arthur in cg but she took a stocktake and because of her family did not pursue a future in La where she could work on the larger films.

Teaching and freelance 

Helen then decided to teach at NUA and worked freelance doing storyboarding for Tv and freelance.Helen worked for Hurst animation and was paid per scene.She also storyboarded for a Flora campaign. She then got back to  storyboarding for Aardman on early man but was cut from the project because of travelling and working remotely. She then worked on Watership Down and worked remotely and continues to do that to this day.

Key skills and take ways from talk:

Be adaptable 

Be profesional

Don’t be arrogant limits further opportunities

Keep to deadlines and promises

Be reliable

Have a collaborative attitude

Be positive

If able select jobs carefully and value yourself 

Helen also mentioned Annecy animation festival in France which allows opportunities forms he major studios for work.

Day 3 - Mystery box 

Today I fixed the lighting on my mystery box project. I wanted to ensure that the lighting would cover the entire screen highlighting the shadows and shapes of the character so I used four lights. These four lights acted as a base to light the character from all angles. I kept the intensity of these lights low as I wanted to give the impression that the character is trying to steal something from the mystery box. I also introduced a spotlight that would be mobile. This movement established a sense of urgency in the characters walk as he is clearly not trying to be caught or seen. I like the way the light pans around the scene before fixing on the box when the character is caught. This helps present the sense of shock and anguish on the characters face.

Furthermore, I also fixed the initial issues on the first few steps of the sneak cycle. I found that by removing key frames gave a more fluid sense of music instead of having fixed positions for the up and downward poses in the animation. I found the most issue in the second step as the waist had failed to move as the step progressed . To fix this I moved the waist upwards on the passing pose as this would add continuity to the up pose. I then fixed the positioning of the legs and removed the keyframes I no longer needed. This left me with 3 main key frames which I could clearly distinguish each pose. In addition on the first two steps especially the legs of the character began to pop when the animation was changed to spline. To combat this I moved the waist of the character down on the keyframes where this happened. This helps to contribute to a realistic and smooth sneak cycle.

Finally, I rendered out my mystery box animation in Maya to see what the character would look like when lit. This gave me a great sense of what could be improved with the animation as a whole as I could see an almost finished article. This was a long process to render but I found that the outcome was rewarding and I am looking forward to completing more CG animation in the future.

Day 4 - Lip-sync workshop and brief introduction

Today I was introduced to the lip-sync brief. I have to create a 10 second lip synced animation over a given clip. I chose the swan clip out of the two as I felt this would give me the best range of facial expression for animation. There is a distinct change in tone as the character goes from explaining what the animal looked like to the sarcastic explanation that it is a swan.

To start I added the audio file into tv paint and began to write in the notes section the sounds I could hear when scrubbing through the timeline. I then decided to roughly draw each of the mouth shapes from reference to give me a wide range of structures and shapes to display the sounds. I then selected all the mouth types and created a brush so I could easily stamp the varying shapes to fully portray the sounds on the key frames.  Next I drew out the head of the character as well as the nose and eyes. I will later begin to animate the eyes but for the first iteration I decided that they will be in a fixed position for the scenes entirety. I began to stamp the mouths on in relation to my notes and adjusted their size so they can fit within the face.

To improve this iteration I need to focusing on moving the chin of the character as it is fixed throughout the animation. I also want to emphasis the emotion of the character through the eyes so in the next pass begin to move the eyes and the eyebrows to fully convey a sense of the character talking. In addition with the shift in tone I will develop new mouth types to show the change in expression with the character. This will help shift the message of the character to sarcasm and draw the eye of the viewer.

Day 5 - Maya lighting and rendering induction 

Today I had an introduction and workshop to lighting and rendering in Maya . This workshop showed how to optimise render time through the amount of lights and shadows cast in the scene. To do this we used a totem poll as an object to light. We added Arnold lights as this was the rendering software. There was a range of lights from area lights to larger lights for skies and oceans.I also learned how to import lights from photos around the scene. This allowed for still images to be placed in the background. This also gave the option of removing the image but keeping the light source and setting on the object. I think this would be useful when importing a character into a scene or sequence as it would give realistic lighting.

[harryandmeghan0-blog]

Jill Abramson's 'Merchants of Truth': A grim eye on the state of the news business - USA TODAY

New Post has been published on https://harryandmeghan.xyz/jill-abramsons-merchants-of-truth-a-grim-eye-on-the-state-of-the-news-business-usa-today/

Jill Abramson's 'Merchants of Truth': A grim eye on the state of the news business - USA TODAY

Jill Abramson in April 2010 at the Matrix Awards presented by the New York Women in Communications at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in New York.

 (Photo: Evan Agostini/ AP)

One of the facts bemoaned by traditional journalists in the current state of the news business is that, with a growing banquet of news to offer on any given day, in any given hour, consumers are opting for boiled down listicles and scannable reads.

It’s the antithesis in style to what The New York Times used to embody, particularly by its former senior editorial leader, Jill Abramson, the first woman to serve as the paper’s Washington bureau chief, managing editor and executive editor – the top job in American print journalism.

But as everyone knows (because news biz gossip is as eagerly gobbled as royal gossip these days), Abramson didn’t last long at the top; just three years. In May 2014, she was fired for allegedly poor management and being too “difficult” (that ever useful pejorative applied to formidable women) for even hard-boiled Times journalists to handle.

Her account of what happened (fantasy clickbait hed: “Why I was fired and what happened next!”), as laid out in her new book, “Merchants of Truth: The Business of News and the Fight for Facts,” is absorbing and fair – and it’s likely the first section many journalists will turn to.

“There was no simple reason I was fired. I was a less than stellar manager, but I also had been judged by an unfair double standard applied to many women leaders. Most of all, I became the first woman editor at a very bad time in journalism,” she writes. 

But later, Abramson found herself with time to contemplate journalism in its “Age of Anxiety,” the existential crisis in the industry she loved. Now comes “Merchants,” published Tuesday (Simon & Schuster, ★★★ out of four).

“Merchants of Truth,” by Jill Abramson

 (Photo: Simon & Schuster)

Reviews have been generally positive so far, mixed with some sharp criticism. There’s already been a contretemps over whether she accused the Times of being biased against President Trump in its coverage, thus abandoning its “straight” approach to news. She batted that away as an exaggeration of something taken out of context. A fair reading backs her up.

Now she and her publisher are dealing with more serious charges of factual errors and plagiarism lodged late Wednesday in a series of tweets on Twitter by a reporter for one of the four news organizations she examines in the book, Vice –  which under her astringent gaze does not come off as a journalistic paragon, especially in its sophomoric early years. 

*All three* chapters on Vice were clotted with mistakes. Lots of them. The truth promised in Merchants of Truth was often not true. While trying to corroborate certain claims, I noticed that it also contained…plagiarized passages.

— Michael C Moynihan (@mcmoynihan) February 6, 2019

Simon & Schuster issued a statement Thursday promising revisions if warranted in the 534-page book. Abramson also issued a statement to USA TODAY that the passages in question involve facts that were imperfectly cited in her 70 pages of footnotes. “I wouldn’t want even a misplaced comma so I will promptly fix these footnotes and quotations as I have corrected other material that Vice contested,” she said.

So, stay tuned. Meanwhile, the book as published documents the crisis: Journalism may have not yet been annihilated but the barbarians are at the gate and banging hard. More news than ever is out there and more people than ever are in need of reliable information in order for democracy to function, Abramson observes.

At the same time, she reports, the journalism business model is stuttering and a steadier replacement is not yet obvious. Every news company struggles to produce a product for the digital age amid sharp staff cuts, while more consumers, marinated in “the internet is free!” assumptions, are unwilling to pay for it, Abramson says.

Abramson explores this grim state through the experiences of two legacy media titans, her former employer, the Times, and the Washington Post, fighting to retain their “values” in a maelstrom, and two digital titans, BuzzFeed and Vice, “improbable players” in an arena where social media drives large numbers of consumers to news. Plus, there’s a section on Facebook, so crucial in so many ways to publishing on the internet these days.    

“I was determined to capture this moment of wrenching transition – and to do it as a reporter, my first calling,” Abramson writes. “…I would chart the struggles of four companies to keep honest news alive.”

The book is about the stuff that haunts journalists’ nightmares lately: What the hell do we do now? Is there a future for the old matrix of the news industry? Why has the public trust we took for granted dissipated and can we get it back? How best to cover Donald Trump, a president who is a gobsmacking news story every minute and also calls the media an “enemy of the people”?

Abramson has her pet peeves: The sometimes dishonest nature of clickbait headlines, designed to capture attention but promising more than they deliver. Tedious business meetings watching PowerPoint presentations of eye-glazing data charts. The “ridiculously” few women in senior editing jobs at the Times, a deficit she is most proud of improving during her tenure. 

She is especially alarmed about the chipping away of the traditional wall between the news side and the business side – unremarkable to the digital media world of Vice and BuzzFeed but anathema to legacy media types. When the new CEO of the Times told her he expected new “revenue-producing products” to come from the newsroom, she snapped, “If that’s what you expect, you have the wrong executive editor…The truth had flown out of my mouth before I could edit either its substance or tone.” It did not go over well.

Abramson doesn’t see an entirely trouble-free future for any of her examined news organizations, despite their various successes. “All four are endangered,” she warns. That even goes for the Post, which was rescued in 2013 by its “white knight,” Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos, who personally bought the family-owned paper for $250 million with the idea that “restoring its glory would be a contribution to democracy.”    

Even before “Merchants” published, the pitiless bottom line stomped all over legacy and digital news companies alike. Last week, both BuzzFeed and Vice laid off about 250 journalism workers each, just some of the more than 2,000 journalists who have been laid off or bought out since the start of 2019 (including at Gannett, the parent company of USA TODAY). So even digital natives are failing to capture enough ad revenue and subscriptions to cover their rising costs – thanks to Google and Facebook raids on advertising, another topic “Merchants” covers – and they don’t even have the enormous expense of publishing and distributing a daily print product. 

For legacy media survivors, following the trials and tribulations of two of the nation’s leading newspapers may involve equal measures of envy, dread and schadenfreude. BuzzFeed and Vice, on the other hand, may seem like alien entities. 

Abramson traces how BuzzFeed began with a steady diet viral cat videos, but founder and “virality” genius Jonah Peretti and his team figured out how to connect with a mostly disaffected young audience through their emotions – at the “beating heart of the internet.” They pioneered a new business model – native advertising – and by the end of 2011, BuzzFeed had “pivoted” to original news reporting, beefing up its reporting staff with a goal of being taken seriously enough to compete with the likes of the Times and the Post. Its content remains a “strange stew,” Abramson says, but in 2018 it was a Pulitzer Prize finalist for its investigation of suspicious deaths of Russians in Britain. 

Vice started out as a print lads mag constantly pushing the bounds of bad taste in the quest to be “edgy,” which led to such outrages as “The Racist Issue.” Later, watching the success of YouTube, Vice hooked up with director Spike Jonze and married video to news and entertainment stories that appealed directly to a huge audience of hipsters indifferent to mainstream media. By 2007, its videos were reaching more people than its magazine.Ten years later, after starting a nightly news show on HBO, Vice’s 18 hours of footage of the deadly Charlottesville, Va., Unite the Right rally garnered a total of 50 million views and became the “defining image” of the violence, Abramson says.

Abramson concludes that the Post and especially the Times have been the most successful so far in the transition to a digital-first approach to news. This week, the Times reported it now has a new high of 4.3 million total paid subscriptions, including more than 3 million digital subscribers, and is aiming for 10 million by 2025. The company also said it generated more than $709 million in digital revenue, which makes it possible to meet another goal of $800 million in digital revenue by the end of 2020.

Abramson credits former publisher Arthur Sulzberger Jr. – the man who had fired her –for “keeping the lights on” at the old Gray Lady. “The Times, despite a decade of digital disruption that had upended virtually all of its core practices and even its news standards, was still a beacon of truth and fierce protector of facts,” she writes.

Non-journalists may find “Merchants” dense and complicated, with something surprising or infuriating on every page. Journalists working today already know in their guts most of what Abramson is reporting, if not in the depressing detail she presents. 

Abramson earns three stars for her thoroughness and insights, but this is not a beach read, and certainly not a happy read. Unless, of course, you really do believe journalists are the enemy of the people – in which case, enjoy yourself.

Read or Share this story: https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/books/2019/02/08/jill-abramsons-merchants-truth-grim-eye-state-news-biz/2778350002/

Source: https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/books/2019/02/08/jill-abramsons-merchants-truth-grim-eye-state-news-biz/2778350002/

[lifeofaliterarynerd]

YA & NA Contemporary Reads for Valentine’s Day

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before - Jenny Han //  Lara Jean  has never openly admitted her crushes, but instead wrote each boy a letter about how she felt, sealed it, and hid it in a box under her bed. But one day Lara Jean discovers that somehow her secret box of letters has been mailed, causing all her crushes from her past to confront her about the letters.

P.S. I Still Love You - Jenny Han //  Lara Jean didn’t expect to really fall for Peter. She and Peter were just pretending. Except suddenly they weren’t. Now Lara Jean is more confused than ever. When another boy from her past returns to her life, Lara Jean’s feelings for him return too. Can a girl be in love with two boys at once?

Anna and the French Kiss - Stephanie Perkins //  Anna is looking forward to her senior year in Atlanta, where she has a great job, a loyal best friend, and a crush on the verge of becoming more. Which is why she is less than thrilled about being shipped off to boarding school in Paris--until she meets Étienne St. Clair. Smart, charming, beautiful, Étienne has it all...including a serious girlfriend.

Lola and the Boy Next Door - Stephanie Perkins //  Lola Nolan is a budding costume designer, and for her, the more outrageous, sparkly, and fun the outfit, the better. And everything is pretty perfect in her life (right down to her hot rocker boyfriend) until the Bell twins, Calliope and Cricket, return to the neighborhood. When Cricket, a gifted inventor, steps out from his twin sister's shadow and back into Lola's life, she must finally reconcile a lifetime of feelings for the boy next door.

Isla and the Happily Ever After - Stephanie Perkins //  Hopeless romantic Isla has had a crush on introspective cartoonist Josh since their first year at the School of America in Paris. And after a chance encounter in Manhattan over the summer, romance might be closer than Isla imagined. But as they begin their senior year back in France, Isla and Josh are forced to confront the challenges every young couple must face, including family drama, uncertainty about their college futures, and the very real possibility of being apart.

My Life Next Door - Huntley Fitzpatrick //  The Garretts are everything the Reeds are not. Loud, messy, affectionate. And every day from her rooftop perch, Samantha Reed wishes she was one of them . . . until one summer evening, Jase Garrett climbs up next to her and changes everything.

Better Off Friends - Elizabeth Eulberg // For Macallan and Levi, it was friends at first sight. Everyone says guys and girls can’t be just friends, but these two are.  They are platonic and happy that way.They can’t help but wonder . . . are they more than friends or are they better off without making it even more complicated?

Wait For You - Jennifer L. Armentrout //  Traveling thousands of miles from home to enter college is the only way nineteen-year-old Avery Morgansten can escape what happened at the Halloween party five years ago—an event that forever changed her life. All she needs to do is make it to her classes on time, make sure the bracelet on her left wrist stays in place, not draw any attention to herself, and maybe—please God—make a few friends, because surely that would be a nice change of pace. The one thing she didn’t need and never planned on was capturing the attention of the one guy who could shatter the precarious future she’s building for herself.

A Little Something Different - Sandy Hall //  The creative writing teacher, the delivery guy, the local Starbucks baristas, his best friend, her roommate, and the squirrel in the park all have one thing in common—they believe that Gabe and Lea should get together. But somehow even when nothing is going on, something is happening between them, and everyone can see it

Royally Screwed - Emma Chase // Nicholas Arthur Frederick Edward Pembrook, Crowned Prince of Wessco , grew up with the whole world watching, and now Marriage Watch is in full force. Nicholas has to decide who he is and, more importantly, who he wants to be: a King... or the man who gets to love Olivia forever.

Summer Days and Summer Nights - Stephanie Perkins //  Maybe it's the long, lazy days, or maybe it's the heat making everyone a little bit crazy. Whatever the reason, summer is the perfect time for love to bloom. Summer Days & Summer Nights: Twelve Love Stories, written by twelve bestselling young adult writers and edited by the international bestselling author Stephanie Perkins, will have you dreaming of sunset strolls by the lake.

Just One Day - Gayle Forman //  Allyson Healey's life is exactly like her suitcase—packed, planned, ordered. Then on the last day of her three-week post-graduation European tour, she meets Willem. A free-spirited, roving actor, Willem is everything she’s not, and when he invites her to abandon her plans and come to Paris with him, Allyson says yes. This uncharacteristic decision leads to a day of risk and romance, liberation and intimacy: 24 hours that will transform Allyson’s life.

Just One Year - Gayle Forman // When he opens his eyes, Willem doesn’t know where in the world he is—Prague or Dubrovnik or back in Amsterdam. All he knows is that he is once again alone, and that he needs to find a girl named Lulu. They shared one magical day in Paris, and something about that day—that girl—makes Willem wonder if they aren’t fated to be together. He travels all over the world, from Mexico to India, hoping to reconnect with her. But as months go by and Lulu remains elusive, Willem starts to question if the hand of fate is as strong as he’d thought.

The Sun is Also a Star - Nicola Yoon //  Follow Natasha, a girl who believes in science and facts, as she meets Daniel, a dutiful son and dreamer, as they spend a single day together in New York - and try to stop Natasha’s family from being deported to Jamacia.

Everything Everything - Nicola Yoon // My disease is as rare as it is famous. Basically, I’m allergic to the world. I don’t leave my house, have not left my house in seventeen years. The only people I ever see are my mom and my nurse, Carla. But then one day, a moving truck arrives next door. I look out my window, and I see him. His name is Olly. Maybe we can’t predict the future, but we can predict some things. For example, I am certainly going to fall in love with Olly. It’s almost certainly going to be a disaster

Beneath Wandering Stars - Ashlee Cowles //  After her soldier brother is horribly wounded in Afghanistan, Gabriela must honor the vow she made: If anything ever happened to him, she would walk the Camino de Santiago through Spain, making a pilgrimage in his name. The worst part is that the promise stipulates that she must travel with her brother's best friend--a boy she has despised all her life.

Isn’t She Lovely - Lauren Layne //  Stephanie Kendrick gave up her whole summer to ace her NYU film school screenwriting course, so she's pissed to be stuck with a preppy, spoiled frat boy as her writing partner. Then again, with her piercings, black-rimmed eyes, and Goth wardrobe, Stephanie isn't exactly Ethan Price's type, either. He's probably got his eye on some leggy blonde with a trust fund... or does he?

Catch a Falling Star - Kim Culbertson //  Nothing ever happens in Little, CA. Which is just the way Carter Moon likes it. But when Hollywood arrives to film a movie starring former child star turned PR mess Adam Jakes, everything changes. Carter's town becomes a giant glittery set and, much to her annoyance, everyone is starry-eyed for Adam. Carter seems to be the only girl not falling all over herself to get a glimpse of him. Which apparently makes her perfect for the secret offer of a lifetime: playing the role of Adam's girlfriend while he's in town, to improve his public image, in exchange for a hefty paycheck.

The Hating Game - Sally Thorne //  Lucy Hutton and Joshua Templeman hate each other. Not dislike. Not begrudgingly tolerate. Hate. And they have no problem displaying their feelings through a series of ritualistic passive aggressive maneuvers as they sit across from each other, executive assistants to co-CEOs of a publishing company. Now up for the same promotion, their battle of wills has come to a head and Lucy refuses to back down when their latest game could cost her her dream job…But the tension between Lucy and Joshua has also reached its boiling point, and Lucy is discovering that maybe she doesn’t hate Joshua. And maybe, he doesn’t hate her either. Or maybe this is just another game.

Wanderlost - Jen Malone //  Aubree’s ready for a chilled-out summer at home in Ohio, until she finds herself taking over her sister’s job as a tour guide…in Europe. Things fall apart almost immediately, and when the tour company owner’s son comes along for the ride and steals Aubree’s heart, keeping up the ruse of being her own sister becomes the hardest challenge of all.

The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight - Jennifer E. Smith //  Today should be one of the worst days of seventeen-year-old Hadley Sullivan's life. Having missed her flight, she's stuck at JFK airport and late to her father's second wedding, which is taking place in London and involves a soon-to-be stepmother Hadley's never even met. Then she meets the perfect boy in the airport's cramped waiting area. His name is Oliver, he's British, and he's sitting in her row. A long night on the plane passes in the blink of an eye, and Hadley and Oliver lose track of each other in the airport chaos upon arrival. Can fate intervene to bring them together once more?

The Geography of You and Me - Jennifer E. Smith //  Lucy and Owen meet somewhere between the tenth and eleventh floors of a New York City apartment building, on an elevator rendered useless by a citywide blackout. After they’re rescued, they spend a single night together, wandering the darkened streets and marveling at the rare appearance of stars above Manhattan. Lucy and Owen’s relationship plays out across the globe as they stay in touch through postcards, occasional e-mails, and—finally—a reunion in the city where they first met.

P.S. I Like You - Kasie West //  While spacing out in chemistry class, Lily scribbles some of her favorite song lyrics onto her desk. The next day, she finds that someone has continued the lyrics on the desk and added a message to her. Soon, Lily and her anonymous pen pal are exchanging full-on letters—sharing secrets, recommending bands, and opening up to each other. Lily realizes she’s kind of falling for this letter writer. Only, who is he?

On the Fence - Kasie West //  For sixteen-year-old Charlotte Reynolds, aka Charlie, being raised by a single dad and three older brothers has its perks. She can outrun, outscore, and outwit every boy she knows—including her longtime neighbor and honorary fourth brother, Braden. But when it comes to being a girl, Charlie doesn't know the first thing about anything. To cope with the stress of faking her way through this new world of  makeup, lacy skirts, and BeDazzlers , Charlie seeks late-night refuge in her backyard, talking out her problems with Braden by the fence that separates them. But their Fence Chats can't solve Charlie's biggest problem: she's falling for Braden. Hard.

Since You’ve Been Gone - Morgan Matson //  It was Sloane who yanked Emily out of her shell and made life 100% interesting. But right before what should have been the most epic summer, Sloane just…disappears. All she leaves behind is a to-do list.  Emily now has this unexpected summer, and the help of Frank Porter (totally unexpected), to check things off Sloane's list. Who knows what she’ll find?

Georgia Peaches and Other Forbidden Fruit - Jaye Robin Brown //  Joanna Gordon has been out and proud for years, but when her popular radio evangelist father remarries and decides to move all three of them from Atlanta to the more conservative Rome, Georgia, he asks Jo to do the impossible: to lie low for the rest of her senior year. And Jo reluctantly agrees.  Things get complicated when she meets Mary Carlson, the oh-so-tempting sister of her new friend at school.

Far From You - Tess Sharpe //  After a painful car accident led to a dangerous OxyContin addiction, Sophie’s fought every day to get and remain clean. When someone plants drugs on Sophie after the death of her best friend Mina, everyone assumes that Sophie fell back into her destructive habits and took Mina down with her. Only she knows that Mina’s murder wasn’t a drug deal gone wrong, and only she can stop the killer.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - Benjamin Alire  Sáenz //  Aristotle is an angry teen with a brother in prison. Dante is a know-it-all who has an unusual way of looking at the world. When the two meet at the swimming pool, they seem to have nothing in common. But as the loners start spending time together, they discover that they share a special friendship—the kind that changes lives and lasts a lifetime. And it is through this friendship that Ari and Dante will learn the most important truths about themselves and the kind of people they want to be.

History is All You Left Me - Adam Silvera //  When Griffin’s first love and ex-boyfriend, Theo, dies in a drowning accident, his universe implodes. Even though Theo had moved to California for college and started seeing Jackson, Griffin never doubted Theo would come back to him when the time was right. But now, the future he’s been imagining for himself has gone far off course. To make things worse, the only person who truly understands his heartache is Jackson. But no matter how much they open up to each other, Griffin’s downward spiral continues. 

I’ll Give You the Sun - Jandy Nelson //  Jude and her twin brother, Noah, are incredibly close. At thirteen, isolated Noah draws constantly and is falling in love with the charismatic boy next door, while daredevil Jude cliff-dives and wears red-red lipstick and does the talking for both of them. But three years later, Jude and Noah are barely speaking. Something has happened to wreck the twins in different and dramatic ways . . until Jude meets a cocky, broken, beautiful boy, as well as someone else—an even more unpredictable new force in her life.

Amy & Roger’s Epic Detour - Morgan Matson //  Amy Curry is not looking forward to her summer. Her mother decided to move across the country and now it's Amy's responsibility to get their car from California to Connecticut. The only problem is, since her father died in a car accident, she isn't ready to get behind the wheel. Enter Roger. An old family friend, he also has to make the cross-country trip - and has plenty of baggage of his own. The road home may be unfamiliar - especially with their friendship venturing into uncharted territory - but together, Amy and Roger will figure out how to map their way.

The Unexpected Everything - Morgan Matson // Andie’s got a plan for her summer, just as she does for everything in life. But when it falls apart thanks to a political scandal, and she ends up spending the summer living with the last person she ever wanted to—her own father—all her carefully laid plans take turns for the unexpected, including the one she had for her heart.

Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell //  Cath is a Simon Snow fan.  She and her twin sister, Wren, ensconced themselves in the Simon Snow series when they were just kids; it’s what got them through their mother leaving. Cath’s sister has mostly grown away from fandom, but Cath can’t let go. She doesn’t want to. Now that they’re going to college, Wren has told Cath she doesn’t want to be roommates. Cath is on her own, completely outside of her comfort zone. For Cath, the question is: Can she do this?

Eleanor & Park - Rainbow Rowell //  Set over the course of one school year, this is the story of two star-crossed sixteen-year-olds—smart enough to know that first love almost never lasts, but brave and desperate enough to try.

Everything Leads to You - Nina LaCour //  Emi, a girl who knows how to design a film set like no one else, but finds her love life far from cinematic. Stuck in a hot-and-cold pattern with the same girl, she begins to break the cycle when a mysterious letter from an acting legend leads her to the beautiful and unconventional Ava.

Gena/Finn - Kat Helegeson & Hannah Moskowitz //  Gena and Finn, two girls in different life stages, brought together by fandom for a TV show called Up Below. While their shared love is what initially bonds them, it doesn’t take long for them to click in every other way, baring their souls to each other about their lives and loves and worlds beyond the screen.  But the closer they get, the more complicated things become, especially for Finn and the boyfriend she lives with.

South of Sunshine - Dana Elmendorf //  In Sunshine, Tennessee, the main event in town is Friday night football, the biggest party of the year is held in a field filled with pickup trucks, and church attendance is mandatory. For Kaycee Jean McCoy, life in Sunshine means dating guys she has no interest in, saying only “yes, ma’am” when the local bigots gossip at her mom’s cosmetics salon, and avoiding certain girls at all costs. Girls like Bren Dawson.

If I Was Your Girl - Meredith Russo //  For Amanda, moving in with her father is an opportunity to start over where no one but her dad has ever known her as Andrew, and the move most certainly agrees with her: she makes new friends in no time, and it gives her and her father a chance to get to know each other again. But she also falls in love, which is something she never expected to happen, has no idea how to handle, and just may spell her downfall.

Run - Kody Keplinger //  Bo’s a wild girl who does her own thing and whose parents couldn’t care less what she’s up to. Agnes is legally blind, and has parents who practically keep her prisoner in an attempt to keep her “safe” from the outside world. Despite their differences, the two become best friends…which means when Bo comes to Agnes one night on the run from the cops and asks her to leave town at her side, Agnes agrees, and the two head off on a hell of an adventure, complete with a whole lot of law-breaking.

A List of Cages - Robin Roe //  When Adam Blake lands the best elective ever in his senior year, serving as an aide to the school psychologist, he thinks he’s got it made. Sure, it means a lot of sitting around, which isn’t easy for a guy with ADHD, but he can’t complain, since he gets to spend the period texting all his friends. Then the doctor asks him to track down the troubled freshman who keeps dodging her, and Adam discovers that the boy is Julian—the foster brother he hasn’t seen in five years.

You Know Me Well - Nina LaCour & David Levithan //  Mark and Kate have sat next to each other for an entire year, but have never spoken. For whatever reason, their paths outside of class have never crossed.  When Kate and Mark meet up, little do they know how important they will become to each other—and how, in a very short time, they will know each other better than any of the people who are supposed to know them more. When Kate and Mark meet up, little do they know how important they will become to each other—and how, in a very short time, they will know each other better than any of the people who are supposed to know them more.

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli //  Sixteen-year-old and not-so-openly gay Simon Spier prefers to save his drama for the school musical. But when an email falls into the wrong hands, his secret is at risk of being thrust into the spotlight. Now Simon is actually being blackmailed: if he doesn’t play wingman for class clown Martin, his sexual identity will become everyone’s business. Worse, the privacy of Blue, the pen name of the boy he’s been emailing, will be compromised.

Always the Last to Know - Crystal Bowling //  Wearing a Maid of Honor dress that very well may cause the South to want to rise again, Jess Reynolds is prepared to walk down the aisle at her best friend's wedding. It's just that things keep getting in the way, like a sex-crazed coworker, an annoying brother-of-the-bride, and a handsome and horribly charming friend posing as the Best Man. As it turns out, Jess might just be the last one to know everything, including the workings of her own heart.

Can You Keep a Secret - Sophie Kinsella //  Meet Emma Corrigan, a young woman with a huge heart, an irrepressible spirit, and a few little secrets: Secrets from her boyfriend: I've always thought Connor looks a bit like Ken. As in Barbie and Ken. Secrets from her mother: I lost my virginity in the spare bedroom with Danny Nussbaum while Mum and Dad were downstairs watching Ben-Hur. Secrets she wouldn't share with anyone in the world: I have no idea what NATO stands for. Or even what it is. Until she spills them all to a handsome stranger on a plane. At least, she thought he was a stranger.…

Famous in Love - Rebecca Serle //  The romantic story of a girl who gets plucked from obscurity to star in the next major feature film franchise based on a book and the ensuing love triangles she gets entangled in on—-and off screen. 

Love and First Sight - Josh Sundquist //  On his first day at a new school, blind sixteen-year-old Will Porter accidentally groped a girl on the stairs, sat on another student in the cafeteria, and somehow drove a classmate to tears. High school can only go up from here, right? As Will starts to find his footing, he develops a crush on a sweet but shy girl named Cecily. And despite his fear that having a girlfriend will make him inherently dependent on someone sighted, the two of them grow closer and closer.

Fan Art - Sarah Tregay //  With the hurdle of coming out to his family overcome, some might think that the worst of Jamie’s problems are over, but really, they’re just beginning. With prom around the corner and his best friend Mason already lined up to take a girl, Jamie is forced to confront overwhelming jealousy and the knowledge that his growing feelings for Mason aren’t going away anytime soon.

One Man Guy - Michael Barakiva //  Aleksander Khederian doesn’t need (or want) summer school, but his strict Armenian-American parents think it’s the best way for him to stay on the honor track. Just when he thinks his summer couldn’t get any worse, he meets Ethan. Cool, confident, and adventurous, Ethan is everything Alek wishes he could be. As he’s drawn closer to Ethan’s alluring persona, Alek realizes that he might want to be a bit more than “just friends” with the attractive skateboarder.

Look Both Ways - Alison Cherry //  A summer away from the city is the beginning of everything for Brooklyn Shepard. Her theater apprenticeship at Allerdale is a chance to prove that she can carve out a niche all her own, surrounded by people who don’t know anything about her or her family of superstar performers. Brooklyn immediately hits it off with her roommate, Zoe, and soon their friendship turns into something more.

The Art of Being Normal - Lisa Williamson // David Piper has always been an outsider. His parents think he’s gay. The school bully thinks he’s a freak. Only his two best friends know the real truth – David wants to be a girl. On the first day at his new school Leo Denton has one goal – to be invisible. Attracting the attention of the most beautiful girl in year eleven is definitely not part of that plan. When Leo stands up for David in a fight, an unlikely friendship forms.

[xinyixan]

🌬

dearest windy city,

Today I depart from Chicago after 5 weeks of a whirlwind of 10k+ steps/days, trudging through every imaginable spectrum of bone-chilling rainstorms to sweltering hot summers, fanatic sprinting to catch trains and buses, arranging hangouts with newfound friends, and nursing my sore throat post one too many indulgently deep and thought provoking conversations while hopelessly losing track of time… and I feel so much joy and so much hope, I could almost stay… almost.

But I’m a neophiliac, and I’m drawn to change. Having been fortunate enough to travel as much as I have, I’ve come to accept that most cities are more or less the same — what makes them special and memorable are the people I meet. So here are just a few, in the order that I met them:

Lin, my sister creative chimera from Salt Lake City, who happened to be visiting Chi Town with her friend Sharon, was the first person I caught up with after my first week of solo exploration to familiarize myself with all the neighborhoods. Although Lin was only passing through, it was so comforting to feel as if I already knew someone else in the city. I’m forever grateful that meeting Lin, whom I regard as a nexus of friendship and connection, has enabled me to meet so many good people (one of whom I’ll mention below). @_linhuang / @linhuang.psd

Lisa was my first local friend and she introduced me to tapas at Boqueria! It was fun to connect with another digital illustrator and model who has an intense interest in travel (we both share the mindset that our our careers fund our vacations)! It’s been really fun stumbling upon Lisa’s collaborations with other photographers in the locale (via instagram) and feeding off her open-ness & willingness to make friends! @lisahzhu

I remember being keenly intrigued in meeting Arthur because of everyone I had met thus far, he appeared to be the most deeply involved in the fine arts. I had noticed that he had released a course on Domestika teaching Expressive Watercolor Portraits and instantly felt a respect for his dedication to his craft. After all, it is one thing to explore the arts as a hobby but another to have a developed styled and enough experience to design an entire course to share your skill. We met in Boystown and trekked for over an hour while swapping travel stories (such as his solo extended stay in Japan) and philosophies on creating art, making friends, and cultivating meaningful relationships. I was incredibly thankful that despite his packed schedule working as a full-time photographer, interior consultant, painter, and everything in-between, he invited me to Art Institute of Chicago where we continued our conversations as inspired by chronology of Monet’s works. @artybraud / @itsme.artyb / @artybphotography

Tou Ger graciously drove all the way down from the Northern suburbs to meet me for lunch in Wicker Park where we spent 3 hours bonding over as fellow entrepreneurial spirits. A professional dancer turned life coach, Tou Ger is radiantly optimistic but balanced with a practicality for the bigger picture of life. I’m naturally drawn to people with philanthropic ideals (probably because I’m constantly seeking for more compassion without myself) and Tou Ger no doubt fits this bill. @_tougerlee

Vishal and I first met downtown at Mojo Coffee (where I had a super delicious New Zealand style flat white) and I learned his story of how he turned his burn out from his first consulting job in India into inspiration to travel to Japan and Hong Kong solo. He moved to Chicago for his masters and just graduated as I was arriving to town. Between his job hunting grind, Vishal escaped with me for a mid-week serendipitous street photography shoot and another follow up coffee date at the largest Starbucks Reserve Roastery in the world. I was incredibly touched by his warmth and was so grateful that the timing worked out such that we could hang out as often we did. @vishalshriram

Jess was actually another friend I met through Lin (who had a birthday brunch at Bar Takito at which we were both invited)! A copyeditor by day but a writer/poet at heart, Jess started several passion projects over the course of the quarantine including an account to document her baking/cooking adventures as well as a tiktok to capture snippets of her everyday life in vlog format. I adore that she was immediately vulnerable with me in conversation and her emotional maturity/self awareness made me feel comfortable to readily open up to her in return. Our follow up hangout brought us to Hello Jasmine for some delicious Taiwanese street food which we devoured at Ping Tom park while walking barefoot (grounding) on the grass, listening to lo-fi, and journaling together like the big kids we were. I couldn’t have ask for a more wholesome picnic date! @jess.sung / @bohaeats / @marigoldthebun

Abhas was perhaps the only friend whom I had intended to meet up with prior to landing in Chicago. Every so often I try to reach out directly to people watching my instagram stories (via dm) as an attempt to break the social media disconnect that ironically arises from social platforms. I’m so please that I said ‘hi’ to Abhas because as soon as I realized that he was also a creative chimera who happened to live in Chicago (aka — someone whom I could have the opportunity to meet up with), I couldn’t contain my excitement. Just a gander through Abhas’s digital gallery will give you a sense of the full spectrum of his skillset. As we have mutually expressed to each other, knowing that someone else exists with such curiosity for all mediums is very validating to our own existence. It’s no wonder that we ended up losing our voices over conversation while eagerly sharing our parallel artists’ journeys. @abhasmisraraj / @abhas.art

I’m actually not positive how I met Suri — I suspect it was through an Asian Creative Network mutual, Nathan — but I’m sure glad we connected regardless. In my last week, we met up at Ground Up Coffee Co. where I got to hear her rite of passage as a singer/songwriter and trying to make it in the world of performing arts. She confided in me her aspirations as a fellow multi-disciplinary creative: pursing her master’s in creative writing, dreams of producing music for film, and creating a community where she could give back. It was absolutely heartwarming and affirming to hear from a fellow artist that because I’ve chosen to safeguard my art as a hobby, I have been able to preserve its purity. And once again, I’m reminded that I have this gift that shouldn’t be left to go to waste. @surimusings

I met Amy on my second to last night at SweetGreen, and was so elated to find someone who could practice some Mandarin with me! We had some time to connect via text prior to meeting in person, so I already knew that (1) she was skilled in illustration and (2) had recently pivoted from a career as a business analyst to consulting for non-profits. Our friendly chat developed quite rapidly, and I appreciated how Amy didn’t hold back from delving into interesting questions which allowed us to explore topics like my aromanticism or my perspective on my friendships as influenced by the quarantine. I had brought a sketchbook along in wishful thinking that we could perhaps create a collaboration in person over our conversation. To my delight, Amy took to the idea without hesitation! I had such a blast, I regretted having met with her so late such that there was no time to reunite before I left. @ajin.arts

I had not expected to actually meet Kris (due to lack of time and my now strained social stamina) but when he suggested to collab — I could not resist! So, on the very last night of my stay, I made my way out to Pilsen (the last unexplored area of the map which had been described to me as the SF Mission District of Chicago) where I met up Kris with a little piece of plastic1, and he, his camera. We ended up obsessing over this little plastic cap, and the best part? Kris even agreed to allow me to play photographer and modeled for me! We playful energy of the shoot rivaled the playdates from my childhood, and I’m already daydreaming of the day we can collaborate together again! @kr.evangelista

And of course, special shout out to the hubs for coming through at the end of the 3rd week so that we could do all the typical tourism things one normally does in Chi town together (the Cloud Gate/Bean at Millennium Park, the Riverwalk and Navy Pier, Lincoln Park Zoo, North Beach for views of the skyline, strolling the 606…). Chicago felt comfortable before his arrival, but having his company made Chicago feel, at last, like home.

So, thank you, Chicago; thank you for a series of unexpectedly good weather (the weatherman kept promising gloomy and overcast skies but your unpredictability continually surprised me with sunny afternoons), a continually wholesome conversations, and scars around my ankles from endless urban hikes. I won’t miss how how you dried out my eyes with your blustery forecast nor the shady night rides home on the train, but I’ll still miss you all the same.

love,

nowhere girl in Colorado

[scotianostra]

Happy Birthday to the remarkable Scottish virtuoso percussionist.Evelyn Glennie who turned 53 today.

Glennie was born and raised in Aberdeenshire. Her father was Herbert Arthur Glennie, a farmer who was also an accordionist in a Scottish country dance band, and the strong, indigenous musical traditions of north-east Scotland were important in the development of the young musician.

She was a promising student of piano and clarinet as a child, and she was blessed with perfect pitch, the ability to identify or sing a note by ear. At age eight, Glennie started complaining of sore ears and hearing loss. Her condition steadily deteriorated, and by age 11 she needed a hearing aid, which she found distracting and later discarded. She continued to play music and found she could perceive the quality of a note by the level of the reverberations she could feel in her hands, wrists, lower body, and feet. Glennie counts as her major influences cellist Jacqueline du Pré and pianist Glenn Gould.

When she was 12, Glennie saw a schoolmate playing percussion. She started taking lessons, and, she told People, "... it felt right." She graduated with honors from London's prestigious Royal Academy of Music in 1985. She claims her deafness kept her from being caught up by social distractions and made her a better student, but she also realized it affected her ability to play in an orchestra, so she set her sights on becoming a soloist. In 1985 she made her professional debut; the following year she left for Japan to study the five-octave marimba for a year. Glennie's first decade as a professional solo performer was filled with milestones: first performance of a new percussion concerto, first time an orchestra had performed with a solo percussionist, first solo percussion performance at a festival or venue. In 1990 she met Greg Malcagni, a recording engineer, and the two wed four years later.

Glennie tours extensively and exhaustively. She plays more than 100 concerts each year and has appeared across five continents. She plays on 20 to 50 instruments during each performance, "bounding," as Michael Walsch wrote in Time, "from instrument to instrument with the grace of a natural athlete." A Washington Post critic was almost as impressed by Glennie's physical show in concert--which he called the "Evelyn Glennie Workout"--as he was by "the subtle gradations of sound and color she brings to every phrase." In addition to the details of her music and instruments, Glennie pays attention to the non-musical details of her shows, performing in colorful, theatrical costumes and with thematically designed sets and lights. Because she feels the music through her feet, she prefers to play barefoot.

There are so many pieces of music that feature Evelyn, but I like this early piece from a Japanese TV show, especially her smile at the end.

[transparenttriumphzombie]

Roberta Betty Cowell (1918 - 2011) motor racer, pilot.

Robert Marshall Cowell was born in Croydon, the middle child of three. His father was Ernest Cowell, the prominent surgeon in the Royal Army Medical Corps and at Croydon General Infirmary (now closed), and who would be Director of Medical Services for the Allied Forces in North Africa and Italy during the Second World War.

Robert had an aptitude for mechanical things. From the age of twelve he spent his holidays in engineering workshops in Croydon. His public school had a motor club where under-aged members drove motorcycles and cars on the school grounds.

John Cunningham, the future RAF night fighter ace was a member of the same club. Robert also joined the Officers’ Training Corps while at school, and became a non-commissioned officer. In the early 1930s, Robert and a friend spent a summer holiday in Belgium, Austria and Germany, and picked up some German.

He left school at sixteen and entered a series of tennis tournaments, which led to his first homosexual proposal, which he quickly ran from.

He worked in both aircraft and racing car service shops. At seventeen he drove in the London-Land’s-End trial run. Later in 1935 he joined the RAF as a pupil pilot. He gained a commission but found that flying made him feel extremely ill. He was invalided out of the RAF, and declared as permanently unfit for flying duties.

He studied engineering at University College, London, where he met his future wife, Diana, who was also a racing driver. He drove in motor races and speed trials, including the 1939 Grand Prix in Antwerp. Later that year, he almost ran down Neville Chamberlain who was crossing Parliament Square.

With the outbreak of war, Cowell thought that the best job to have was that of a fighter pilot. He pestered the Air Ministry, but they wouldn’t take him back. He was offered a position in the Royal Army Service Corps with a promise of a fast-track commissioning. In January 1941 he was commissioned as a captain.

In May he married his girlfriend, who by then had a degree in engineering. They spent the war apart but did manage to have two daughters, born in 1942 and 1944.

After a few months in Iceland (which had decriminalized homosexuality while under British occupation) Robert managed to get transferred to the RAF. By this time he knew how to fake a military medical exam.

He was trained to fly various fighter planes and bombers. He mainly saw action supporting the Invasion of France in the summer of 1944, until his plane was hit by flak, and he became a prisoner of the Germans.

He spent the rest of the war in Stalag Luft 1, between Lübeck and Rostock. He vehemently refused to play a female role in the camp theatricals, as he felt that ‘would have been a public declaration of homosexuality’. The gay cliques in the camp constantly annoyed him by assuming that he was one of them. On 30 April 1945 the prisoners refused German orders to evacuate in the face of the advancing Soviet Army.  After negotiations, the Germans left leaving the POWs behind.  Two weeks later Captain Cowell and the other British prisoners were flown home.

Back in England, with a business partner, Cowell set up a specialist auto engineering company. They built cars for motor racing, and he competed as a driver. He also renovated houses and sold them at a profit.

His marriage fell apart as Diana was not happy about his wearing her clothes, and suspected him of seeing other women. They separated in 1948.  Cowell never saw his daughters again.  His wife re-married and had three more children.  The two girls were brought up by their grandparents, Sir Ernest and his wife.

Robert continued to be depressed, and saw a couple of Freudian analysts. The outcome was:

“The feminine side of my nature, which all my life I had known of and severely repressed, was very much more fundamental and deep-rooted than I had supposed (p96)”.

He secured a consultation with a Harley Street sexologist who referred him to a woman endocrinologist, who put him on oestrogens. Feeling that he should counterbalance the heavily masculine nature of his business interests, he invested in a small company which designed and manufactured women’s clothes, both theatrical and haute couture, and proceeded to learn that business. He also struck up a friendship with a woman, Lisa, whom he met in a London hotel, who later lived with him and helped him transition.

Cowell came across the 1946 book Self: a study in ethics and endocrinology, by Michael Dillon, which contains a section discussing sex changes as possible

.Cowell wrote to him via the publisher, and after several lengthy letters, they met in London. Dillon admitted that he had been a woman until a few years previously. More meetings followed. Michael convinced himself that fate had put them together, and they should be a couple. Cowell needed an orchiectomy if she were to proceed to being a woman, but no doctor in the UK would do the operation because of the mayhem laws. Michael, who was nearing the completion of his medical degree at Trinity College, Dublin, used his new skills to do so. He also introduced Roberta to Arthur Millbourn, Canon at Bristol Cathedral, and to his surgeon Harold Gillies.   However he finally had to concede that Roberta was not returning his passion.

Roberta had a consultation with Dr George Dusseau on Wimpole Street. Given her orchiectomy, he agreed to write a letter that was “in the nature of a working certificate to enable the plastic surgeons to carry out their operations”. That done, Roberta was able to change her name by deed poll to Roberta Elizabeth Cowell and to get her birth certificate amended. From then on she would be Betty to her friends.

Sir Harold Gillies was now willing to proceed with surgery. He had never done a vaginoplasty before. He practiced the previous evening on the torso of a male cadaver. The operation was successful and medical affidavits were sworn. Cowell then persuaded Gillies to feminize her face.

The Cowells’ divorce decree was made absolute later in 1952. Betty was now deeply in debt after medical bills, the closure of her engineering firm and the failure of her dress-making firm.

In 1953 the news story broke about another pioneering transsexual, Christine Jorgensen. By early 1954, Betty knew that she herself was about to be a front-page story. She negotiated with the Picture Post that she would write an exclusive for them. It was said by the Sunday Pictorial that they paid £20,000 (according to this calculator, equivalent to £440,000 today), an enormous sum that allowed her to clear all her debts.

A ‘disclosure’ in the form of a Press Association statement was issued on 6 March 1954. With the notable exception of The Times, most British papers carried it on the front page with different headlines, but with almost the same text:

“This amazing change of sex is believed to be the first case in Britain where an adult male has so fully taken on the physical and mental characteristics of a woman. It may well be the most complete change of sex in the medical history of the entire world”.

The

Daily Herald’s doctor commented that

“cases of women becoming men are increasing but the change from male to female is rare”.

Cowell wisely left for the continent, pursued as she was by a pack of journalists. The Sunday Pictorial, which would become the Sunday Mirror in 1963 and which had published an homophobic three-part series, “Evil Men” in 1952, and had serialized the Jorgensen story in 1953, gave scant attention to Cowell on the first weekend, but a week later was saying that she was a transvestist and expressed concern for the

“startling legal and medical tangle which arises” and said that: doctors who deal with these change of sex cases.......”.are anxious for their position in the eyes of the law and the community to be clarified. This is a matter for the law makers.”

The Sunday People, the same week, ran the headline 'ROBERTA IS NO REAL WOMAN'. However it accepted Cowell’s claim that the operation was largely to speed up changes taking place naturally. The next day Roberta’s father, Ernest Cowell was quoted saying:

“I am told that it is quite on the cards for her to bear children”.

However by the next weekend, he had retracted:

“this is not a case of hermaphroditism” and he agreed that Roberta was a transvestist.

Betty in 1958 The Picture Post series ran for seven weeks from 13th March. It was then revised and published as Roberta Cowell's Story

with a Preface by Canon Milbourn. The publisher was Heinemann, which had published Dillon’s Self, eight years earlier. The publication had two benefits other than money. By ‘disclosing’ herself, she was able to return to motor racing once the fuss died down. It also allowed her to claim that she was not a transvestist like Christine Jorgensen. Despite the two daughters that she had fathered, and the fact that Robert had passed an RAF medical, she claimed to have XX chromosomes and ovaries, and that the stress of being in Stalag Luft 1 had brought out her underlying female biology, and that Dr Dusseau’s letter had certified her as a woman.

Betty in the 1970s After the media fuss died down, Betty did  continue both motor racing and flying. She won a hill climb in 1957. In 1972 she was interviewed by Michael Bateman for the Sunday Times. He noted that her house was

“cluttered with pilots’ helmets, high-frequency radios, models of planes and racing cars. She’s logged 1,600 hours as a pilot (recently she flew at Mach 2 twice the speed of sound )... She doesn’t approve of the Permissive Society and she doesn’t welcome Women’s Lib. She certainly hopes the trend towards Unisex has stopped. It’s unhealthy, unnatural. ‘My experience shows that men and women are so completely different as to be almost different species.’”

She also disapproved of other transsexuals:

“I was a freak. I had an operation and I’m not a freak any more. I had female chromosome make-up, XX. The people who have followed me have often been those with male chromosomes, XY. So they’ve been normal people who’ve turned themselves into freaks by means of the operation.”

In the 1970s Betty worked with Liz Hodgkinson on a second book which however was never completed.

Betty and Lisa continued to live together on and off until the latter died at the end of the 1980s.  Betty then moved into a flat in Hampton.  She was reclusive and private, but always had an expensive car.  However she used it less as she aged.   Her spine became bent and  swollen legs made walking impossible.

Diana died in 2006.  Betty's last years were spent alone in sheltered accomodation.  She died aged 93.  Only a few friends attended the cremation, and no news of her death was published in any newspaper until an article in

The Independent on Sunday in October 2013.  Her daughters were not informed until contacted by the newspaper prior to publication

Roberta Cowell. Roberta Cowell's Story. British Book Centre, 1954. With a preface by Canon Millbourn. Online and also.

“Former British Fighter Pilot Changes Sex”. Reprinted in Lewiston Evening Journal, Mar 6, 1954. Online

“Wife’s Story of Man Who Changed Sex”. AAP, March 7, 1954, reprinted in The Sydney Morning Herald. Online

“Ex-War Flier Now ‘Completely Female’. Doctor-Father Confirms ‘Son Robert is now Daughter Roberta’ “ The Vancouver Sun, March 15, 1954. Online

“The Real Story of Sex Change: Here’s Medical Proof of Father of Two Who Turned Into a Woman”. PIC: The Magazine for Young Men, 26,1, March 1955. Online

“Roberta Wins Hill Climb”. British Pathé, 1957.  Online  

Harold D. Gillies & D. Ralph Millard. The Principles and Art of Plastic Surgery.  Butterworth, 1957: II,384-7.

Auriol Stevens. “The sexual misfits”. The Guardian, 7 Jan 1970, reprinted 7 Jan 2012. Online.

Michael Bateman interviews Roberta Cowell. Atticus, The Sunday Times, 12 March 1972. Online.

Liz Hodgkinson. Bodyshock: The Truth About Changing Sex. Columbus Books 1987: 21-2.

Liz Hodgkinson. Michael née Laura. Columbus Books. 1989: chp 6.

Dave King. The Transvestite and the Transsexual: Public Categories and Private Identities.  Avebury, 1993: 51-55, 86, 103, 110-115, 118, 119, 125, 128, 130, 132, 141, 162, 169.

Richard Ekins & Dave King (eds). Blending genders: social aspects of cross-dressing and sex-changing.  Routledge. 2002: 87-91. 135-7, 141, 146.

Pagan Kennedy. The First Man-Made Man: The Story of Two Sex Changes, One Love Affair, and a Twentieth-Century Medical Revolution. Bloomsbury. 2007: 3-4, 10-14, 55-7, 76-8, 85-99, 103-5, 109-113, 119-120, 136.

Jean-François Bouzanquet. Fast Ladies: Female Racing Drivers, 1888-1970. Veloce, 2009: 99-103.

Matthew Bell.  "'It's easier to change a body than to change a mind': The extraordinary life and lonely death of Roberta Cowell ".  The Independent on Sunday, 27 October 2013. Online  

[brajeshupadhyay]

How To Know If Your Own Doctor (Or A Doctor You Might See) Is A Quack

Last week, a group of medical professionals calling themselves America’s Frontline Doctors stood in front of the U.S. Supreme Court and insisted that hydroxychloroquine is a “cure” for the coronavirus despite medical studies to the contrary.

In addition to that claim about the anti-malarial drug, their press conference also pushed such potentially harmful misinformation as the idea that mask-wearing isn’t necessarily a good choice. A day later, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly met with the doctors.

As Anthony Fauci, the government’s top infectious diseases expert, has said repeatedly, there’s little concrete evidence that hydroxychloroquine is effective as a COVID-19 treatment ― even if President Donald Trump continues to promote it. Last month, the Food and Drug Administration warned against using hydroxychloroquine to treat coronavirus patients, following reports of “serious heart rhythm problems” and other health issues in those who received the drug.

Still, in part thanks to a retweet by the president, the doctors’ clip went viral. It racked up tens of millions of views, even in the face of a widespread effort by social media companies to remove the video and penalize some who shared it, including presidential son Donald Trump Jr.

What may have been more startling, though, was what the news media found out about Stella Immanuel, the doctor who led the press conference. Immanuel, who works as a primary care physician and pastor in Houston, doesn’t just believe hydroxychloroquine is a valid coronavirus treatment. She also believes that gynecological issues like endometriosis and cysts are caused by people having sex in their dreams with demons and witches, that alien DNA is currently used in medical treatments and that gay Americans practice “homosexual terrorism.” Online, Immanuel hawks a prayer she claims can remove “generational curses” passed on from ancestors and transmitted through the placenta.

The fact that so many Americans may have fallen for claims made by Immanuel and the other doctors ― most of whom are only debatably “on the frontlines” of the COVID-19 crisis ― without knowing much about their backgrounds or possible political motives is deeply troubling to Lydia Kang, a practicing physician and co-author of “Quackery: A Brief History of the Worst Ways to Cure Everything.”

“I was incredibly fearful for the health of those people who would trust her for two reasons: Her thinking agreed with their own, and they were looking to a medical professional to substantiate their own beliefs,” Kang told HuffPost.

“Many people feed upon hope, which is important, but it can be frightening when that hope leads to believing things that could be incredibly harmful,” she said.

“It’s very depressing how easily Americans bought into [Dr. Stella] Immanuel’s message even knowing her history of bizarre claims.”

– David H. Gorski, a doctor and managing editor of the blog Science-Based Medicine

As unnerving as it was that so many Americans shared the video, it was actually a good thing that Immanuel has a history of using her platform to promote conspiracy theories, said David H. Gorski, a surgical oncologist and professor of surgery at Wayne State University School of Medicine. Gorski is also the managing editor of Science-Based Medicine, a medical blog that exposes non-scientific research and practices.

“The sex with demons and other claims provided the press a good ‘in’ to debunk and discredit her as a source,” he said. “If the astroturfers had chosen a less disreputable figure, it might have been more difficult to counter the message.” (Astroturfing is the practice of masking the sponsors of a message or organization, whether it’s a political, religious or advertising group, to make it appear as though the message or group had organically sprung from grassroots efforts.)

That being said, Gorski added that “it’s very depressing how easily Americans bought into Immanuel’s message even knowing her history of bizarre claims.”

Still, the fact remains that Immanuel does have a full medical license in Texas, USA Today reported pointing to the Texas Medical Board’s online records. She told the board she has a primary specialty in pediatrics and a secondary specialty in emergency medicine. Her bizarre beliefs and the products she sells on her site may ― or, worse, may not ― come as a surprise to patients she’s had.

It makes you wonder: What kind of questionable beliefs might your doctor have that aren’t endorsed by the medical community ― and how can you dodge doctors like Immanuel the next time you’re in the market for a general practitioner or specialist?

Below, Gorski, Kang and other medical experts share how to tell if a doctor might be a quack.

A few signs your doctor may be pushing some dubious beliefs:

They sell their own supplements and treatments.

It’s a significant warning sign if a doctor puts their patients on unconventional mixes of medications and supplements, some of which they sell, Kang said.

“One major red flag is when a physician directly touts their own brand of medicines or supplements to take out of their own store,” she said. “It’s a serious conflict of interest.”

They rely on single-person testimonies, social media or TV endorsements rather than peer-reviewed data.

Many of the doctors we spoke to cited television’s Mehmet Oz and his show “Dr. Oz” as an example of a physician using their platform to hawk questionable treatments. Though Oz has an Ivy League medical degree, a 2014 study in the peer-reviewed British Medical Journal found that in 40 randomly selected episodes from Oz’s show, his health recommendations were based on evidence just 46% of the time.

If you’re concerned about your doctor making dubious health recommendations, ask yourself if their claims are supported by scientific evidence. In place of hard evidence, your doctor may claim they have anecdotal evidence that something works ― or that it’s been endorsed by this expert or that celebrity, including TV doctors. That’s not enough.

“Be wary if they mention social media endorsements or they talk about testimonials and single-patient stories,” said Arthur Caplan, director of the division of medical ethics at NYU Grossman School of Medicine.

Any doctor worth their salt should be citing peer-reviewed articles and scientific studies that rely on well-designed clinical trials, not patient anecdotes and their own personal experience, Caplan said.

SDI Productions via Getty Images

Be wary of doctors who promise a 100% cure rate or speak in absolutes. For instance, “all mainstream doctors have got it wrong on this subject.”

They say their treatment is a “miracle cure” with an unbelievably high success rate.

Be leery of a doctor who promises a 100% (or ridiculously high) cure rate. If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is too good to be true, Gorski said. He used the example of certain clinics that claim they have a 90% cure rate for stage IV cancer.

They speak in absolutes.

Does your doctor tend to make sweeping generalizations or speak in absolutes? For example, “All mainstream doctors have it wrong” or “I’m the only one who can help you.” That’s another major red flag, Kang said.

“A good doctor will carefully weigh the pros and cons of any treatment, and are careful about promising anything as a ‘perfect fix,’” she explained.

When the treatment goes wrong, they blame the patient.

Because quack doctors often make overbroad claims about their treatments and products ― “it’s worked for everybody I’ve prescribed it to” ― any instances where the cure-all doesn’t work has to be the patient’s fault.

“They’ll usually blame failure of their treatment on the patient’s failure to adhere to their protocol closely enough,” Gorski said.

How to do your due diligence when selecting a doctor:

Look at rating sites with a healthy dose of skepticism.

To avoid a quack, Googling can be helpful, but stay skeptical when searching, Kang said. Be aware, for instance, that anyone can add a review on those health score websites where you see how many stars your doctor has, just like you would rate a restaurant on Yelp.

People can give a one-star or five-star rating without any proof as to “who they are, whether they actually saw the doctor, or how many times they vote,” Kang said.

Gorski suggested that Yelp-like sites rating medical professionals are inherently biased toward negative reviews.

“Patients should know that it is the very nature of rating sites that those who’ve had a negative experience will be more likely to want to post a review than those who’ve had a positive or at least acceptable or decent experience,” he said.

It’s often wiser to look at ratings put out by medical institutions themselves, Kang said, because they’re usually vetted to ensure that only patients who’ve seen the doctor vote and they vote only once.

Find out where they went to medical school and what they studied.

When sizing up a physician, especially a specialist, look up their credentials. Have they completed the proper training in their specific field?

“For example, a plastic surgeon without true training in plastics (via a residency and/or fellowship) or not board certified in plastic surgery would be a concern,” Kang said.

Coolpicture via Getty Images

When a doctor makes an interesting or surprising claim, check to see if it has garnered support from others in the medical community.

Check to see if their claims are supported by other doctors.

If you’re reading up on a treatment a doctor promotes online or elsewhere, look to see if it has garnered support from other doctors. Stay away if the doctor is making health claims outside of peer review and then marketing their product to laypeople.

“Look to see if they’ve published anything and be ready to get a second opinion if you have doubts,” Caplan said. “Are they a solo practice ― no peers checking them? Do they advertise and if so, are they making sweeping promises in their ads?”

If they have a social media presence, look to see what kind of information they’ve shared.

These days, many medical professionals have Twitter or Facebook pages where they comment on trending medical news. If your doctor has a public profile, read it to get a better feel for their beliefs, Kang said.

A quick Google search of Immanuel, the pastor-physician who led the press conference last week, would have pulled up her Twitter page, where she’s been tweeting about witchcraft and “21 day water fasts to demolish satanic embargo to our progress” since as far back as 2012.

Of course, not every social media page is going to be medically focused.

“Keep in mind, not all doctors tweet and Instagram about health topics alone,” Kang said. “They show their personal lives ― we are normal people, after all! we go on vacation and hang out in swimsuits sometimes! ― and political beliefs.”

But if a doctor is selling dubious products to their patients, they’re probably also posting about it, which allows you to weed that person out from the get-go.

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[kappucinno]

this blog is 3 years old today, and so, here is my third post ever (wooowwww)

So. It’s been a few years. I’m 21 and a senior in college. Is it cool if we make a time jump? Cool. I’m still Kathleen, but a bunch of other stuff has happened, and I’ll try to sum it up in bullet points: • Depression and anxiety hit me pretty hard spring of my freshman year. • I actually ended up making some more friends that spring, too - a pretty & cool girl named Jenae, a goofy and quirky girl named Emily, and a bearded dude named Zach, who was a couple years ahead of us in the art program. • I couldn’t find a job, so I spent all summer of 2017 hanging around my house and occasionally driving into a nearby town to get coffee and sketch the apple trees. • I lived in a single dorm in what was once the attic area of the oldest dorm on campus. I had three windows and a slanted roof and string lights, and it was the coziest place ever. • I go on an overnight trip to Portland with my two best friends from high school, Kaylee and Emily. • I ended up becoming better friends with Jenae, and met some of her friends, two dudes named Jon and Luis. • I arranged to move into my older sister’s old apartment in the fall with Jenae and her roommate Jordan. • I became infatuated with Jon, to no avail. Although, once, he did invite me over to his and Luis’ apartment, and just Jon and I hung out while he cooked me dinner. I still don’t know if that was a date or not. • I suffered major FOMO because they would all hang out without me, since they’re all from the same town. • I got my first summer job! I was a camp counselor at a YMCA day camp, and it was a wild ride. • I bought my first car! She’s an old Chevy Blazer that I named Monica, and half the stickers on the back aren’t even mine! • I played D&D with my summer camp coworkers/friends for the first time out of curiosity, and it was actually really fun! • I went to my first house party. I was the only sober person there. I kind of hated it. It was the same night someone hi-jacked an empty plane at the nearby airport and crash-landed into a nearby island that was, thankfully, uninhabited. • I took a week off work to move into the apartment with Jenae and Jordan. Jon helped me move my stuff in (I asked because I was still infatuated with him, and he lived in town year-round). I drove across the mountains and cried to Alaska by Maggie Rogers, although I don’t know where the tears came from. • I started my junior year of college, and re-connected with Emily, who I was friends with spring of freshman year. • I turned 20! And then a week later, I found out Jon had a think for my friend/co-worker Kaitlyn, which really bugged me, because she was the person I wanted to talk about it with the most. • I go on a youth ministry retreat and become better friends with Luis and our friend Annie. • I start to develop a crush on Luis, which Jenae and I agree is not ideal. I decide to not act on it, and just focus on becoming better friends with him. Which I do, because we have a bunch of stuff in common. • Jon comes back from winter break with a girlfriend, and I start to not really care. • I become better friends with a bunch of people in our social circle through Jon and Luis’ small group, like my friends Haley, Heather, and Katie. • Jordan decides in with her boyfriend, and so Heather agrees to move in with us for senior year. • Luis starts showing an interest in me, but then he changes his mind, all in the course of a week, which honestly breaks my heart, and I throw up because my emotions got the best of me. • Luis starts dating some random girl, which doesn’t amount to anything, but it still sucks for me. • I get a design internship down in Sacramento for the summer, which means I will live with the family of one of Dad’s best friends from high school and college, whom I have never met in my life. Oddly enough, this doesn’t scare me at all. • I continue to hang out with Luis while he’s dating that random girl, and try to push past my feelings for him. • By the end of the school year, I feel so low and under appreciated by the people I hang out with, I literally pack up all my stuff and go home in less than 3 hours. I say goodbye to Jenae, who is hanging out with Luis, so unfortunately, I have to say goodbye to him, too. He doesn’t know the reason I’m leaving, and thus skipping the graduation and grad parties of a bunch of my friends is because I can’t stand to be in the town where he lives any longer. • I go home for a week, and then my mom and I make the two-day-long drive down to Sacramento. We both feel like we should be having some deep talks, but we can’t think of anything, so we just kind of hang out and enjoy the drive southwards. • We arrive, and I meet the family I’ll be staying with - the Harlow’s - and I immediately bond with their two youngest kids, a 22-year-old girl named Maddy, and an 18-year-old girl named Emma, as well as their 19-year-old friend Molly. • After making sure I’ve settled in, my mom flies home, and it’s just me with the Harlow’s in California. • I start my internship, and I’m the youngest person in the office, but I work as hard as everyone else. • I spend the summer eating mint chocolate chip It’s-Its, floating around the pool fully-clothed on a large flamingo floaty, being fairly stressed out by work, hanging out with Maddy and her friends, drinking cold-brewed French press, watching Studio Ghibli movies, and talking to my sisters on the phone. • The area I lived in is home to the largest number of millionaires and billionaires in California north of Beverly Hills, so I watch the wealthy through both the lenses of my own experience and curiosity. A lot of people look down at me because of my car or the things I own, but a lot of people ask me a ton of questions, like have I been to Forks or Twin Peaks? (I have, but both are just regular towns, no vampires or serial killers that I know of). • In my last week, I visit Facebook and San Francisco, and my dad flies down that Friday night to drive back with me. • We drive back home, and I leave my pillow in a sketchy Holiday Inn in Oregon, which saddens my greatly. • I hang out at home for 3 weeks, and then I head back to school. • I start my senior year of college, and I become closer friends with two girls in my photography class (whom I’ve hung out with on and off throughout college), Riley and Jordyn. • Luis and I are actually really good friends! We play lots of Mario Kart and hang out a couple times a week to binge-watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine. • I turn 21, and instead of going out, my roommates and I stay in and do homework because we all have a butt-ton or homework. I drank one beer over the course of 3 hours. It’s pretty low-key, which I liked. Luis brings me balloons, even though him and Jenae hadn’t been getting along very well. • I start to get physically sick and anxious because I can’t tell where I stand with Luis, so I finally tell him how I feel. He says he’s not interested in me like that, but he wants to remain friends, which I agree too, because that was the main thing I was worried about. After telling him, I honestly just feel really relieved to know where I stand. We just promise that it won’t be weird. • I become closer friends with Jenae and Heather, and we all agree this is the best living situation we’ve had during the entirety of our college careers. • Luis avoids me for two weeks with out explanation, so I get anxious and spiral and freak out, and he dodges my questions. I apologize for spiraling, but he doesn’t seem to care. • I go home for winter break and come back, and his and I’s friendship is basically non-existent. • I take a yoga class and become better friends with my friend Arthur, whom I also know through Jon and Luis’s small group. • Heather has more free time, so her and Jenae and I hang out more. • I become better friends with my friend Bethany, who is also my coworker, but I knew her before through Jenae. • I apply for a butt-ton of jobs, and I either get a “we’re going in a different direction” or no response at all. • Luis hangs out with Jenae at my apartment, and things are so icy between us, I don’t feel like I can sit on my own couch. • Slowly, we start to get along a bit better, and we hang out a grand total of 3 times throughout the quarter, but he still doesn’t seem to care. • COVID-19 breaks out in Washington state just in time for finals, which I do online. • The guys use coronavirus as a reason to avoid me, but still hang out with Jenae, so I decide to use social distancing to cut them out of my life. And now we’re caught up. I’m currently at home, and I’m probably going to go back to school next week, if it ever stops snowing in the mountains that I have to cross to actually get to school. Heather texted the roomie group chat a few days ago and announced that she’s going to have to pull out of the lease because of coronavirus and her parents not being able to afford her rent with their jobs up in the air, so we’re on the hunt for a new roommate, which seems kind of futile with all that’s going on in the world. It’s definitely not how I wanted this year to go, and now that I’m looking back over the past few years, I got kind of obsessed with Luis. The way he treated me is super unhealthy, and unfortunately, I’m just one of a large group of people he treats like that. I was talking to my mom the other week - she drove over to my younger sister’s college to help her move out since all her classes are online and the campus is closed, and on the way back, she stopped in my town to get breakfast with me - and she told me she’s excited for me to graduate so that way I can find a better group of friends that actually value me, that I don’t have to doubt so often. I know I’m gonna be friends with Heather and Jenae after college - I’m going to Heather’s wedding this fall - but I know it’s gonna be a lot harder to see them, since we all don’t really know where we’re gonna be after June. But I agree with my mom. I’m pretty eager to find a group of friends that I actually know are my friends. To be honest, I forgot about this blog. I forgot it was here, and why I started it in the first place. I guess it’s kind of Caroline Calloway-inspires in that it’s sort of a living memoir, this blog. Maybe one day, after I’ve written a bunch of other books, I’ll make this blog an actual book, because now I know it’s here, I want to be here a lot more. If anyone in the digital void is reading this, hi! Thanks for spending a bunch of time looking at the summary of my college career, exactly three years after I started this blog. It’s not super exciting, I know, but maybe it’s interesting to watch a life take it’s course. I’ll be back! -Kathleen

[terryblount]

DSOGaming – Here are our Games of the Year 2019

There have been a lot of great games for the PC this year. As such, and contrary to all previous years, we’ve decided to share with you today our Games of the Year 2019. In this list, you’ll find the games that DSOGaming’s writers enjoyed the most. Do note that this isn’t our “Top 10 Most Optimized” and “Top 10 Worst Optimized” lists; these lists will be published next week. So without further ado, here are our best PC games of 2019.

Chris Kountouras – Red Dead Redemption 2

My game of the year is Red Dead Redemption 2, simply because the game wipes its ass with every other open-world game out there. This Western ‘simulator’ provided me with a grand array of feelings throughout its very long single player story, and what a glorious story it was. Arthur Morgan might be the best developed character I ever played.

I laughed, I raged, I robbed, I saved, I killed and I died, time and time again. I lost my way an infinite number of times in this game. Going from A to B had never been so hard in a game before. There are so many things to do, that sometimes you even forget what you were suppose to do in the first place.

And now having the game on PC is a bless. Playing the game on sixty frames feels almost like a completely different game. The perfect gift for Christmas!

Happy holidays and merry Christmas DSOG readers.

Pieter Naude – Mortal Kombat 11

When thinking about the games I played this year, I noticed that most were either sequels or remakes for pre-existing franchises. Honestly, I wanted to choose my GOTY from new IP’s since our industry desperately needs some freshness with this sink or swim climate. As such, I decided that this had better be a sequel or remake that took its franchise to new levels. It had to sustain its longstanding identity, and yet improve on every single aspect from visuals to gameplay. There was only one such candidate for me in 2019: Mortal Kombat 11. Ed Boon and his team had made, in my opinion, their best fighting game ever. The fatalities had never felt more visceral, the story provided the perfect excuse to reintroduce some old-school MK, and the mechanics introduced a playing style that focused more on strategic fighting than lighting-fast reflexes. Truly an excellent accomplishment for Netherealm, and without any doubt the best I played in this year.

Spencer – Halo: Reach

I’m selecting Reach as my Game of the Year, it’s new on PC and the fact is this is absolutely how this game was meant to be played. A couple years ago Sega’s Rez came out on VR and I said it felt like Tetsuya Mizuguchi had designed this Dreamcast game as a VR title long before VR was an actual mass consumer product — but VR added so much to the experience that it made that title feel reborn.

It’s the same story for Halo, this is a franchise that has belonged on PC since its inception but was limited by the console hardware that hosted it so that Microsoft could use the strength it lends as an IP to move hardware. Understandable! But not so great for us PC gamers! Well thankfully Microsoft has decided the IP would be better off coming to PC as well as its Xbox line of consoles. Reach is the first arrival from the Master Chief Collection, which will include Halo CE, 2, 3, ODST, 4 and Reach.

The addition of mouse controls adds a fluidity that was never there on a dual analog gamepad and it feels like the premiere modern FPS franchise has come to occupy its rightful position on the premiere FPS platform.

The PC release, much like the MCC isn’t perfect. The compilation suffered from issues on Xbox One and I imagine it will on PC but it cannot be argued that these are some of the strongest games on offer in this industry and that this compilation is one of the best gaming values out there, ever. Some of the issues I’ve noticed on PC for Reach: muffled audio, crouch doesn’t seem to work correctly and occasional front end menu crashes.

In time I’m confident these issues will be ironed out but in the meantime this is a playable and definitive version of one of the best FPS games released in the last 10 years. Mouse aiming is a revelation, the multiplayer is excellent and the campaign is depressing and somber making you feel vulnerable and doomed even as a Spartan war machine. At the end though, Reach is reborn in our world as well as 117’s.

Here’s to Halo on PC, keep it coming.

Nick McCaskey – Anno 1800

Given the limited time I had to play games in 2019, my game of the year choice is less about a definitive selection and more about my personal slice of gaming. Therefore, the 2019 release I loved the most was Anno 1800, and my 100+ hours of playtime proves it!

I’m a long-time Anno fan, and 1800 was a homecoming for the franchise. It delivered the hallmark mix of soothing city-building, vast empire management, and complex economic simulation while also being the most graphically astounding and technically impressive entry in the series.

Moreover, now is the best time ever to play Anno 1800. The developers deserve kudos for steadily releasing significant patches to improve the game and add free features like a day/night cycle and much better empire statistics screens.

Another reason to jump in now is the Season Pass content is now completely released. I’m morally opposed to paying early for promises, but just last week I’ve purchased the Season Pass at half-price and look forward to enjoying the three excellent content additions to the game.

In conclusion, there’s a time and place for high-energy, scripted story games, but Anno 1800 is my fallback game when I need to sit down for a couple hours and do nothing more than leisurely expand my empire-wide bread production chains. Ah, it’s good to taste life’s simple production pleasures!

PS: As far as other “could have been GOTY if I’d played them” titles, I will mention Control, Disco Elysium, and Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order. All three seem outstanding and worthy of consideration!

John Papadopoulos – The Outer Worlds

2019 was a great year for PC gaming as we got a lot of amazing games. And, to be honest, it was pretty difficult deciding my GOTY 2019. I really loved Resident Evil 2 Remake, Gears 5 and Devil May Cry 5. A Plague of Tale: Innocence was also a stunning title, and Metro: Exodus was awesome. Still, there was “something” missing in these games.

Ultimately, I was left with three games that were the closest I could think of as a GOTY 2019. These three games were: Red Dead Redemption 2, Control and The Outer Worlds. RDR 2 is Chris’ GOTY 2019 so I believe I should choose another game.

So, The Outer Worlds or Control? To be honest, I enjoyed both of them. The Outer Worlds is a great RPG that even lets you kill anyone and avoid combat via the dialogue tree. Contrary to Fallout 4, its combat mechanics are amazing and it was a truly amazing experience. Yes, there are some shortcomings here and there, but I really, really enjoyed it.

And then there is Control. I’ve always been a huge fan of Remedy’s games and despite a lot of players, I really enjoyed Quantum Break (I love “time travel” so give me more of these ideas/scenarios please). Control is easily one of Remedy’s best games to date. Not only that, but it’s pretty fascinating witnessing its older IPs, like Quantum Break and Alan Wake, being present in the very same universe. It’s a game you should definitely play as it has a lot of special moments, like the Ashtray Maze or what happens to Jesse towards the end of the game. However, its ending did not satisfy me as it’s undoubtedly building towards a sequel. And perhaps this is something in which The Outer Worlds excelled.

When I finished The Outer Worlds, I felt a weird satisfaction. I didn’t get any “The game ended? That’s it? It was really short. But what about this?” feeling. The game felt complete. Moreover, and while writing everything you just read, I was constantly recalling my experiences in The Outer Worlds rather than in Control. Therefore, my GOTY 2019 is The Outer Worlds.

Merry Christmas everyone and happy holidays!

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