#ALL WHILE PMSING!!!!!
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had the worst most hectic most What the fawk is going on shift i have ever had today and i’m ready to die
#and in the midst of the chaos the wife of one of my fave residents who passed away a few weeks ago came back with their dog and brought#chocolates for everyone and i was liek gettinf emotional whilst in the middle of trying to stop everyone else from having meltdowns#ALL WHILE PMSING!!!!!#it was too much#was worried i would be blamed for dragging the team down but thankfully. the senior said it wasnt my fault thank fawking god
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not to be mentally ill but today when i went for a walk in a nature reserve i was climbing a hill and it was cold but so so sunny and everything looked beautiful and i saw so many cool things and i stood there and was like damn what's this feeling in my chest and why am i smiling so much?? my guy,, it's called fucking happiness. i was just present and content in the moment and couldn't contain myself so kept doing the silly arm shake thing i do and grinning at everything and then was like woah what's this feeling. fuckin, happiness dude.
#think the arm shake thing might be stimming (??) i referred to it as pogging and was informed that i've been using that word incorrectly#but yeah stimming ig#the arm shakes!! we all know them...#anyway do you ever get the feeling that other people experience happiness differently to you?#idk last week i was v depressed and now ive had a couple days in a row where ive been giggling with people and ive been cuddled and kissed#and today i took myself off on a walk and i was so so happy and then as i was walking back to my car#i had the gut wrenching feeling that i needed to text my parents that i'd been outside and had a good day and saw multiple cool animals#and that i loved them. because i suddenly got really worried that i would die on the way home and no one would know i'd been really happy??#even though id literally sent my bestie loads of photos and texts and a literal voice note while staring at a robin lol#anyway and then i was floored by the realisation that i carely deeply about whether i died or not#because i was pmsing last week and that is a terrible time for me and i end up being kind of passively suicidal ig#so to have such a big change in the space of a week was a huge shock#these tags are sooo incoherent and span so many emotions#i promise i've had a really lovely day. i just am anxious all the time and depressed sometimes#in a way that is harder to predict now my periods have stopped.#im realising this is the kind of stuff that should probably go in my diary but i've got this far with the tags that i can't be asked.#if anyone is still reading#you do not have to respond to this or like it in any way. i promise lol
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im so chemically dependent on Big Pot Of Yoghurt that i dont even care anymore when i have to take 2 shelfs and 2 door containers contents out of my fridge for it to fit
#my stomach has been wicked fucked up since thanksgiving. perhaps because ive been bloated and PMSing for 2 weeks nonstop. but maybe because#i lacked my giant yoghurt pot.#i will just stack all the food in a fridge corner or something while the yoghurt strains
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Trying to find a good balance of clinging to the love and joy and inspiration this series and cast have given me while remaining informed but not overwhelmed by everything going on is exhausting.
#my stuff#kp#keeping this out of the tags cause theyre enough of a mess rn as is#it doesnt help that im pmsing#i just want this all to be over#i want the happy fandom back#this fandom and show literally has been saving my ass while i deal with shitty personal stuff#and now everything is on fire and idk what to do#i hate this
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Oh boy, it's time for my monthly bout of existential dread! 😃
#vent#tmi#pmdd rant incoming bc I'm positive this is what it is#(my period is a couple days late and the pms is pmsing)#but i think my anxiety has been a bit of a capitalist lately#saying shit like 'if you aren't productive you deserve to suffer'#and 'you have no aspirations and nothing of value to offer the world so why are you still alive?'#oh my god please shut the fuck up#i mean it's kind of true but you don't have to say it like that#i have no career I'm gunning for#I'm not interested in marriage or kids or any sort of partnership#i have no meaningful talents#I'm not involved in the community and i don't do any charitable deeds#my social anxiety makes me kind of a shitty and boring friend which is why i only have one#it feels like if I'm not constantly working to better everything and everyone around me then I'm a leech who shouldn't exist#in other news i asked for a week off from work for my birthday and while it's been mostly good the idleness is starting to get to me#(and the pmdd)#someday i will get a proper diagnosis with better medication and then it'll all be over just wait#(it will never happen because my people pleasing attitude makes it seem like I'm fine ☺️)#(it's a miracle they even prescribed me antidepressants)#god i feel like I'm spiraling a bit right now i low-key wish i could just die right now
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im going to be at dinner for the match tonight but im praying for an unexpected #slay
#and if we dont manage it see u all tomorrow when i dont have to see smug madriddies on my dash while im pmsing#to maintain my peace and love ✌🏼#because they try it very often. peace n love ✌🏼✌🏼
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"hmmm am i autistic🤔" *has a meltdown about not being able to do simple tasks* "hmmm"
#when you realize all your panic attacks were just meltdowns and your own home is inaccessible to you#and you're PMSing#and then you get jalapeno in your eye#it's too embarrassing to explain#whatever. i'm gonna focus on what i can actually do just do it while crying#rum.txt#i suppose it could still just be the adhd but you know adhd may be part of the spectrum blah blah blah
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Someone tell me how to make me not hate myself and make my family not think I’m a bitch and make me want to see my family or drive back down the coast or stay in strange places or do anything other than kill myself I mean whaaatttt haha what a weird thing to say *stares directly into the camera knowingly*
#and don��t say take your medication#fuck. my moms sitting here like I was under the impression you had this all figured out and I’m like well I was under the impression you#we’re going to fucking sit down with me and help me book a room for the last night of driving bc I can’t book and I have to find somewhere#between like three states that will let me check into a hotel room bc if I get somewhere and they don’t let me stay I’m fucked and have no#where to go or sleep bc I can’t sleep in the car on the way back bc my car is packed to the FUCKING top with my brothers shit fuck fuck fuck#fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck#it’s just like being a kid I can hear my family making fun of me for my emotions in the next room over FUCK I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE T#THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS#I think I’m having caffeine nic and med withdrawals at the same time while pmsing#AND WHILE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A PLAN FOR DRIVING BACK DOWN#I think I’m the biggest bitch on the planet rn#i was listening to father by tfb in the car and there’s a line about something about falling asleep while you drive and I apparently sang iy#with a lot of passion bc my brother said ‘please don’t’ and that was literally the first time anyone has called me on my recent musicchoices#but it really has all been like I need to go anywhere but where I am right now and I need to die far away and that’s it#no more starting over no more self hatred no more family shit I just need to stop#I want to hire someone to drive my brothers shit down to Florida and then I want to kill myself in New England#Anyways. I’m gonna go try to eat something and take my meds and then move stuff around in the car and also try to get a room somewhere by#the end of my trip and I don’t have much time at all and I need to kill everyone and then myself now now now now now now now now now now now#every time I move my body the entire world spins and idk if it’s anxiety or med withdrawals or being tired or what but I am losing it and I#feel like I don’t have it in me to drive any fucking more this trip and the way back is only just beginning#and in less than hour were supposed to check out of this hotel and go to my aunts for a big family celebration of my brothers graduation and#Mother’s Day and I’m going to see all my family who still has a fucking father and I want to be fucking dead I hate all of this I hate it#I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it
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A bit all over the place not gonna lie
#low point today as I was crying while eating almonds#OH I’m getting my period next week lmao#also I had had like a toast and a tiny piece of pandoro before those almonds#and also was prepping for a dinner at my place which I felt stressed about#not particularly strange that I was crying hmm it’s all falling into place#I was with him until like 15 and then immediately felt like crying when I left him and it made me so nervous#but now when I’ve connected the dots I’m like oh he propbably has nothing to do with this lmao#love tumblr as a way to realise you’re pmsing#anyway ciao remember to eat#snicksnack
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why am i upset. my life literally could not be more stable. i have two steady jobs. i’m living with my parents and don’t have to start paying rent until september. i have 10k in savings. why do i want to sit down and cry. what’s the problem. why can’t i figure out the problem and make it go away. why can’t i fix it. what’s wrong
#whiskey yelling into the void#and now i’m being a lazy fuck by sitting in the break room while my coworker works up at the front#tw sh talk here aughhhhhh>>#i have a boxcutter with me and my six month streak is this close to being broken istg#yeah i gotta book something with my therapist. god#and ofc i’m like 3 days away from my period which a) causes dysphoria and b) makes me feel like all my issues are just me pmsing#which is so so upsetting to think about because the thought of experiencing fuckin. shitty female hormonal changes every month makes me#feel like absolute shit because I Don’t Want That. I Don’t and i hate that it’s here#i want to crawl out of my own skin i wanna hit my head against a wall i want to do something that makes me Feel#i want to punch something and break my fingers idk i want somethingggg
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Okay, yeah doms who like to bully you/make you use your words/look at them when you're flustered, BUT ALSO CONSIDER getting spoiled/babied when you're flustered(esp if you can go nonverbal/get overwhelmed some times.) because it is so good as fake sympathy, soft dom, or both:
"Oh, it's okay baby, you can hide your face."
"I so cute seeing how flustered and needy you get, honey. I love getting to take care of you like this."
"Puppy, I can't understand whining and whimpering. How about you nod or shake your head, and I'll guess?"
"Yeah, sweeheart, I know you want it, but you can still beg for me without talking. You've got those pretty eyes for a reason, baby."
"You can be a little pushy, love. I know it's hard for you to think right now, you can show me where you need me."
"You look so pretty right now, angel. Check in with me, two taps for keep going, three to readjust, and a pinch to stop. Do you need a blindfold or to turn over?"
"I know, sunshine, you're all self concious and don't want to be loud today... you know I love hearing you, so how's this? I'll keep kissing you, and you can just moan into my mouth."
""It's so hard to control myself when you look like this, Princess. Think you can lift your face out of my neck to get a kiss?"
#listen im just going through it okay#like im pmsing and its been a rough week and my meds aren't working#can i not just cry a little on someone while they softly run their hands along every inch of my body#and then we have slow intimate sex and they make me feel safe and cared for and i make them feel in control and safe#i just need to find my puzzle piece#where are the people who love babying and bullying someone who is both cute and pathetic and mildly un#where are the people who love babying and bullying someone both pathetic and cute but also unhinged and cute#people who feel gratification taking care of others pspspspsps#in return i can offer undying loyalty love and support as well as also constantly trying to make sure you feel cared for and loved#i like taking care of people but im not a top and im really not equipped to be the emotional stability for the relationship#can we have mutual emotional/care taking burden with definite undertones minus the patriarchy#like this applies to all genders and lack thereof BUT#with certain demographics i have to make kt blatantly clear#i don't sub bc im fem leaning. i sub bc i like feeling small and cared for/under comfortable control.#anyway this is a psa it's really fucking hot to accommodate flustered subs shyness if theyre into it#lali's talk#anyway bye
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sometimes my boobs hurt so much i think they're gonna bleed surely this is normal right
#i think im pmsing.. but im not sure#like the dates aligned but also they've been super irregular hence the whole pcod etc#like im already wearing a size 38 bra because of all this fucking weight gain#and even that feels tight?? like the next size available was free size😭😭#but like it feels normal good even everyday just from the past two days it's been hurting like hell#and fucking worst festivsl of the year so i can't even stay in my room bra off all day#but oh god why do they pain so much it's never been like this before ive been having periods since i was 11 and im 21 now#maybe another pcod uhh idk side effect? symptom? whatever it's called#and i definitely have that pms wali feeling#i mean i haven't broken down yet but#you know that feeling when you WANT something but you don't know what and you try everything but nothing works#like i ate pasta i ate ice cream i studied and accomplished my targets i slept a lot i watched comfort show#i even washed my hair and danced to so many songs today morning while booping#but then it keeps crashing#and it's not enough#don't ask me what's it because even i do not know#i think i want. a hug. i guess#but from my bestfriend#because me and my sister keep fighting and i don't think she's really understanding me rn#but i think she's (bsf) avoiding talking to me because she's getting back together with her shitty boyfriend#i want to call and whine and say fuck that i don't care just talk to me but#i can't#the thought of asking for help needing people is. wow it's genuinely making me puke#i hate hate HATE being pathetic and needy#sometimes i wish#i mean obviously i would prefer it if i was perfectly healthy qnd normal and fine#but sometimes i wish someone just looked at me and said#oh honey how are you carrying so much sadness inside you and hiding it so well?? how are you even functioning???? how are you not#on the floor wailing and crying and unable to get up?#like you need [insert idk pills or whatever the cure is] BADLY
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hmmmm
#i am so full of rage and petty resentment and no matter how many times i think i am over it all it still comes back to haunt me now and then#and stokes the flames of anger back to life and makes me yearn for retribution#atone for your sins against me#i want you to feel sorry. i want you to feel guilty#i want the pleasure of knowing i'm not the only one affected#i want this heavy shadow to follow you like it does me#i want to permanently impact your life the way you did mine#i don't want you to suffer. but it's not good enough for you to simply shrug me off#i deserve more than that#i want you to carry that weight#because i'm tired of carrying it for the both of us#and i can't seem to let it go.#anyway i'm sure i'll delete this later#just pmsing and need an outlet#you are coming down with me hand in unlovable hand#and get the fuck out of my dreams while you're at it
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Anyway I got my period and rediscovered fleetwood mac so I'm fine now btw
#i knew i was pmsing lol#like yes stilla new kind of grief but i was like oh ya. i fuck so hard#i'm a guy thing rn but i do think im gonna grow into an old woman just for lack of caring#like i'll always just be Me and gendervague but i wont ever care#and maybe i'll find someone for a while who gives me princess treatment but ultimately idk if i'll have a lifelong partner#or maybe i will! who knows#but lately the image has just been me. old and happy and making art and being crass. doing whatever the hell i want#this is ofc as we shift from pink pony summer into silver springs fall so who knoes#seasons of life and all that too
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i have literally never been a dog person but lately i've been hit with What If I Got A Dog and it's rockin my world to be quite frank with you
#dogs are just. so cool. i want a medium/big dog IF i ever get one#but with the job that i'll have working evening shifts i would have time for one during the day#i've spent all my idle time today just mapping it out in my head and looking at dog breed vids on youtube#which is an ok amount of research for rn because it will be YEARS before i bring another animal into this house#for a dog to come into the house it has to be after my cat dies and that thought makes me very sad so i want to just focus on my cat#for right now#he does not get along with others. he's just a very anxious little boy because he's disabled and doesn't feel confident that he can#defend himself.#i have been watching bike riding videos with dogs cuz that's what i'd do if i had one. i can't run it's just not in my agenda#i don't have that kinda stamina or the right shoes or anything#but ohhhhh my god if i could train a dog so well that it could RUN BESIDE ME while i ride my bike? that would be SO AMAZING#first of all it would keep the dog healthy. second we'd look cool as hell and so coordinated. and it would mean that we'd bonded rlly well#idk man i don't want kids but i do want to guide a life and make it better. which i'm doing right now with my cat but like#idk i'm just daydreaming#dogs were bred to be trained. cats do whatever they want. you CAN train them but they're not bred for it#part of me is attached to labs but that is so BASIC and i know that people underestimate labs cuz they're so common in usa and canada#so i'm looking at different breeds to see what would suit me best but it rlly comes down to The Dog#which will not come along for HOPEFULLY many years#literally we'll just see how i feel tomorrow. cuz this feeling has come up as of today. i actually think i'm just pmsing#but i can tell this experience has changed me. i've been watching dog grooming videos that's what it is#i will come out of this with more of an appreciation for dogs. i know that. maybe i will actually adopt one in the far far future#it's a nice thought#txt
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shoutout to óuid for giving me the calm peace of mind to not tear into a motherfucker
#i am also PMSing so my tolerance for bullshit is nonexistent#sorry i just don't want to be mad anymore#i'll calm down in a few minutes#when i say i don't have an answer for you and i will let you know when i do it does not mean:#call me every hour for the rest of the day to piss away 20-45 minutes at a time while i say i have no answers for you still#in increasingly direct no bullshit ways#fuck! all the way! off!
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