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janetbrown711 · 5 months ago

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If I Fail You

Zhu Li Na is four months old when the cracks in the universe return, so it looks like it's time for baby's first Collect-A-Thon to Save the Universe! Surely nothing will go wrong!!! (Season 5 Rewrite adding in freenoodles fan kid Zhu Li Na + diving deeper into the mentality/mental health of certain characters)

Chapter 1: Watching Him Fade Away

Pigsy notices his son is starting to crack, but it's hard caring for a monkey-demi-god-kinda-regular-god and a four-month-old. But nevertheless, Pigsy tries.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Ao3 Link

Doodles !!!

MK was a very, very good big brother.

He was over at Pigsy and Tang’s as frequently as Sandy, always helping out and playing and cuddling and changing and cleaning and taking care of the little piglet as much as possible whenever he wasn’t training with Monkey King.

Pigsy hadn’t minded the extra help at first. It was nice to have his son and daughter bond and who was he to refuse an extra pair of hands when he was this tired all the time? Plus, Tang had to go to work, and so the help was certainly needed at times.

But something was… off with his son. Of course, something had been off for months now, but whatever it was it was clearly getting far worse as he was gaining circles under his eyes so dark they were supposed to be reserved for new parents. He was also adamantly in denial of the whole thing, as any time Pigsy tried talking to him about sleep or stress, he jumped right up and suddenly remembered a task he had procrastinated and dashed off.

A part of Pigsy worried MK had been lying about accepting all this change– that he didn’t like his room being taken, or that he even didn’t like Li Na. Another part of him told him that was ridiculous, as MK seemed genuinely happy to help her whenever he could. Another, deeper part of him wondered if MK had been like this for months, but Pigsy just hadn’t noticed, too busy dealing with the pregnancy and NICU. A more optimistic part said maybe the couch wasn’t as comfortable to sleep on as it used to be, and he should encourage the kid to go back to sleeping at his place.

But that could easily make him feel worse, right? Pigsy worked to make sure MK knew he still had a place in his home, he didn't want the kid to think he suddenly flipped a switch on him. He needed to know he could still rely on Pigsy, even if he was a lot busier these days.

It didn't help that no matter what progress Pigsy felt he made, it felt like he was back at level zero every time MK returned from training.

He needed to think up a plan, and quick– or else risk MK losing his mind.

Of course, it was hard to plan with a four-month-old in constant need of attention, but you know.

“If the problem is a lack of sleep, bringing MK back to his own place and away from a screaming baby would certainly be for the best,” Sandy suggested, finishing buttoning up Li Na's onesie after a change.

“Yeah, I know, I know– but I don't want ‘im thinking I'm shoving him out, you know? I want ‘im to know he can always come to me for help,” Pigsy sighed, folding some of her laundry.

“Have a little faith in the kid; he knows you love him, he's said so himself.” Sandy picked Li Na up, though she cooed and reached away to Pigsy.

“I–... I dunno… he's real sleep deprived– you know how thoughts can get,” Pigsy scratched his neck.

“Then remind him,” Sandy gave a soft smile. “Tell him you're concerned and be honest about why.”

Pigsy looked away. “Eh… me and honesty don't really get along well, what with sayin’ I wasn't the kid's dad to his face and all for twenty years…”

“Are you sure that was honesty and not insecurity?” Sandy raised an eyebrow as Li Na began to whine.

Pigsy sighed, taking his daughter back in his arms. She immediately cooed happily, which made the elder pig demon chuckle a little. “I guess you might be right… but still, I just– I'm not good at this. Not really.”

“I don't know, Li Na seems to think you're doing just fine.” Sandy winked, making Pigsy roll his eyes and blush slightly.

His friend laughed. “Just trust your instincts, Pigsy. You've always been good when you listen to your heart.”

Pigsy snorted, but didn't have a good rebuttal. Especially because Li Na did seem plenty happy, reaching for the buttons on Pigsy's shirt with glee.

The thought occurred to Pigsy that maybe Sandy ought to be the one to talk to MK since he was so good at it. Before he could suggest it though, there was a massive woosh throughout the apartment announcing MK's arrival from training.

“You want me to head out for some groceries?” Sandy offered, but Pigsy shook his head.

“I think it'll be good if just the two– er, three– of us head out for a bit,” Pigsy suggested.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea, Pigsy.” Sandy smiled at him all bright and corny, which made him roll his eyes again as he exited the nursery.

Not to his surprise, Pigsy found MK in the kitchen wiping down the countertops with extreme vigor, acting like each little crumb and blotch was the Lady Bone Demon and needed to be wiped off this plane of existence asap. It might have been funny if it weren't for the stress and exhaustion weighing in his eyes.

“Hey, kid. You– uh… feeling okay?” Pigsy asked.

“Pigsy–! Hi! How're you doing?” MK shot up from the counter with a forced grin.

“I asked you first.” Pigsy raised an eyebrow, shifting Li Na to an upright position so her head was against his shoulder.

“O-oh! Right! Yeah, I'm all good man! Never felt better!” His son gave an even bigger smile and thumbs up for emphasis.

Pigsy frowned. “Kid, when was the last time you slept?”

“Bah, sleep is for the weak.” MK tried to wave off. “How's Li Na? When's the last time she slept?”

Pigsy gave an unamused look. “Kid, I know what you're trying to do and it ain't gonna work.”

“What? Being helpful? I'm hurt.” MK put his hand over his chest dramatically, before scrubbing the counters again.

Pigsy rolled his eyes. “Li Na is fine, MK. It's you I'm worried about.”

“I told you, I'm fine! Never felt better!” His son insisted, tossing out the cleaning wipe.

Pigsy growled in frustration, causing the piglet in his arms to whine, sensing his distress.

“Oh–! Hey, I can take her if she's not feeling okay! Or I can get her formula started or her diaper changed or–”

“MK, she doesn't need any of that–” Pigsy took a breath to try and calm himself while rubbing Li Na's back. “Just tell me what's wrong… please.”

MK's smile faltered. “A-are you sure you don't need anything? I can clean up around here or wash the van o-or even cook dinner, if you need.”

Pigsy sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, before remembering his idea from earlier. “You know what? Let's go check on the restaurant. See how it's holding up.”

That worked to snap MK out of his spiral, as he froze and tilted his head. “Really? Why? You're not gonna open it for another four months.”

Pigsy shrugged. “Fresh air'll do us good. Plus, I wanna make a proper meal on a proper stove, and I think my old cookbook is still over there.”

“Oh– Okay! I can get the ca–”

“I'll get the carrier and bag. You can take Li Na,” Pigsy decided instead.

MK seemed confused again, but accepted the now smiling infant into his arms. “Hey kiddo, you having fun?” he asked, scrunching his nose. “We're gonna go to the restaurant soon. That's where you were born! It's also my favorite place on earth, so it'll be super fun.”

Pigsy chuckled, shaking his head before going back into the nursery to get the same well-loved carrier he had used years and years and years before with MK.

“So..? How's it going so far?” Sandy asked, startling the pig who had forgotten he was there.

“We're gonna go for a walk, get some fresh air… though if you wanna take over, be my guest,” Pigsy half-joked.

Sandy gave him a pitiful smile. “You got this, Pigsy. Just open up a little bit and you'll be golden.”

The chef rolled his eyes. “Yeah, just text Tang where we are so he doesn't think we're being kidnapped or somethin’.” He snorted before finding the diaper bag and throwing a few things in.

He had to dig a bit through the closet before he found his old baby carrier, with a well-worn scrapbook sitting right underneath.

The chef couldn't help but smile a little as he picked it up and started flipping through. At the time he'd thought it was corny, that he wasn't MK's dad so there wasn't a point. However, his grandmother (and eventually Tang) insisted it was just to preserve good memories, and Pigsy couldn't have been more grateful.

His heart ached with happiness and joy as he saw old photos of MK's chubby face, with fistfuls of noodles and a face covered in sauce. It had been a long, long time since he'd seen that face, so full of joy and nativity. No past, no future, just in the present focused on gorging himself on noodles.

“Found something?” Sandy asked, peeking over Pigsy's shoulder.

“Just an old scrapbook,” Pigsy chuckled before shutting it carefully.

“Oh? I thought you weren't the ‘nostalgic type’.” Sandy grinned cheekily, quoting Pigsy from twenty five years ago.

“Yeah, yeah, shut up,” Pigsy huffed and stood up, pausing when he realized he was still holding the book in his hands.

…He wasn't exactly sure why, but he slipped it into the diaper bag too.

“Text me if you end up needing anything,” Sandy said, not commenting on Pigsy's impulse decision.

“Yeah, yeah. Get some sleep while you can,” Pigsy gave his friend a short crooked smile.

Sandy laughed. “I sleep plenty fine on my boat, Pigsy.”

“With all those cats? Sure.” The chef retorted. “I should be back in an hour or so.”

“I'll hold the fort down. Have fun.” Sandy gave a salute, making Pigsy huff in amusement before heading back out to the living room, where MK was bouncing Li Na in a mix of exhaustion and worry.

“C'mon, Li Na, it's okay, h-he'll be back soon, it's okay, you're okay, you're– Pigsy! She started whining and I-I think I'm messing it up, she won't–”

“Hey, hey, it's okay, kid, it's okay.” Pigsy immediately set the carrier and diaper bag on the couch, rushing to his son's side and placing a hand on his back. “You're okay, kid, just relax.”

“No, she wants you, she doesn't want me, I-I'm all messed up– take her back, please.” MK's resolve was starting to crack.

“Hey, MK, it's okay, you're okay, just take a breath for me, alright?” Pigsy placed a calm and firm hand on his chest, taking a slow breath MK eventually copied.

“Th-thanks, Pigsy.” MK sniffled, trying to bounce the still squirming piglet.

Pigsy's chest ached with worry for both of them, but he shook it off for a moment. “I'm gonna get the carrier on, and then we'll go for a walk, alright?”

“Yeah, that’s good.” MK nodded, small tears forming in his eyes.

Pigsy bit his cheek, but knew the best thing would be to just move on for now. And so, he quickly got the baby carrier on, putting it into front-inward carry mode, and placed Li Na inside, who relaxed as soon as her chest was against his.

MK just stood there, watching at first before looking at the ground with his hands in his hoodie. His eyes were shining with tears, and his head was slowly sinking further and further down.

It was something MK did a lot as a kid, especially on days he wanted nothing more than to just disappear. It made Pigsy want to cry, but the chef toughed it out.

“C'mon, let's get some air.” He gave a mostly-not-forced smile and patted his son's shoulder.

The boy nodded, clearly swallowing his tears before he suddenly moved, picking up the diaper bag and opening the door.

“Dads-ies first.” MK cracked a mostly-forced smile that made Pigsy's heart twinge.

“Thanks, kiddo.” He patted his arm again, and the three of them headed out into the night.

The chef instantly felt more relaxed the second the late evening air hit his face, but he could tell it made MK more than a little anxious. Pigsy nudged the kid before taking a deep breath, implying for him to do the same. MK did, his shoulders loosening a little, but his eyes stayed glued to the ground.

“You know– it’s– uh… it’s hard to believe it’s been four months, you know? Since she was born,” Pigsy tried lightening the mood.

“Y-yeah! Man, time does fly, doesn’t it?” MK gave a weak laugh, one hand briefly leaving his pocket to scratch his neck before going right back.

“Oh yeah. Sometimes I can hardly believe you’re in your twenties and not still goin’ to school,” Pigsy snorted.

MK laughed a little less at that. “Yeah, it’s… yeah.”

Pigsy winced as they stopped at a crosswalk. “It’s… hard to imagine one day Li Na’ll be in her twenties, all grown up and probably helping you fight whatever monster’s attacking the city that week.”

“I thought you don’t want her fighting?” MK raised a somewhat playful eyebrow.

“MK, I’m still not jazzed about you fighting,” Pigsy chuckled. “But… if that’s how it’s gonna be, that’s how it’s gonna be.”

MK looked forward. “Right. Because ‘destiny’ and all that.”

“What? No–ugh, I’m putting a household ban on that word.” Pigsy shook his head. “I mean because– I– you know– with the whole–”

“Light’s green,” MK interrupted and immediately started walking again.

Pigsy sighed, making Li Na shift so the chef put a hand on her tiny head. “I’ve got my work cut out for me tonight, don’t I kiddo?” he asked in a low voice, to which Li Na just cooed tiredly. The chef chuckled and gave her a soft pat before walking again.

Just listen to your heart, Pigsy, just like Sandy said to. Sure, you’ve screwed this up before just about a million times, but Sandy is usually right about these things anyways so– just– try. For MK.

“So– um… you feeling hungry at all?” Pigsy ventured, deciding to steer clear of the d-word.

“Eh, not really.” MK half shrugged.

Pigsy eyed MK for a moment, looking him up and down and checking for his usual hunger ticks. “Let me rephrase that; when was the last time you ate?”

“Pigsy, I’m okay, really, I just–” MK tried to lie, but seemed to remember he’d already been caught earlier. “Training was just hard today.”

Pigsy’s brows knit together. “What do you mean?”

“No! Not like that, I don’t mean it like that– I just– you know–! The more powerful I-I get the more he works me, which is good! Monkey King isn’t bad, it’s all just– it’s fine, I’m fine, let’s just go back home.” MK almost turned around, but Pigsy grabbed his arm.

“Kid, I know I’ve been… a little hard on him in the past, but I know he’s helpin’ you in ways I can’t, so it’s okay,” The chef gave a weak smile. It seemed to help the kid genuinely relax a bit, making the chef’s smile grow. “Besides, he did help save your sister’s life, so I know he ain’t all ‘irresponsibility’.”

MK let out a genuine laugh. “Of course him saving your life doesn’t count for anything.”

Pigsy rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, he’s saved me too, I guess, whatever.”

“And he’s saved mine,” MK pointed out with a smug grin.

“Eh, I’d say at this point the score of ‘saved your life’ versus ‘actively put it in danger’ is about even,” Pigsy pushed back playfully, and his son let out another laugh.

“Yeah, whatever,” The kid shook his head with a chuckle, and all that laughter made Li Na let out laughs of her own.

“Well, look who’s deciding to join all the fun,” Pigsy teased her a little. “What do you think? You like that Monkey King guy?”

Li Na laughed again, making her brother grin. “You know, I think that counts as a ‘yes’.”

“Bah, she’s four months old, what does she know?” Pigsy waved off.

“Nah, I think she’s got it just right.” MK winked and booped her snout, making her scrunch up her nose and smile big, which MK copied, just as they came to another crosswalk that was thankfully green, and then it was “restaurant, sweet restaurant”.

“Look, Li Na! It’s the best restaurant in all of China,” MK grinned as he fished out the keys from the bag, meanwhile, Pigsy soaked in the quiet warm feeling of seeing his third biggest pride and joy in person again after four months away. Of course, it also brought back memories of the absolute pain and terror he felt when last there, but there was also plenty of joy and love, so Pigsy was doing just fine.

As was MK, evidently, as he lifted the security shield and flicked the lights on with delight before zipping to punch in the alarm code at a pace physically impossible for the old chef. Instead, Pigsy took his time letting all the memories soak in (though was certainly thankful all of the… “mess” had been cleaned shortly after going to the hospital).

“Ahhh, it’s good to be back Pigsy.” MK came out from the back with a grin. “So, what’re we going to make? We gonna go for the longest noodle record again? Ooo– wait! What about the thickest noodle?! You haven’t done that yet, have you?” MK’s more manic energy came out yet again.

“Woah kiddo, let’s settle down a bit first, alright?” Pigsy said lightheartedly.

“Ahhh, c’mon! It’s why we came here! Revisit some memories, get cooking, and have a totally cool and awesome time for Li Na’s first visit– er… I guess first ‘return’ to the restaurant since she was born here.” MK tapped his chin.

“Right, yeah, that’s true, but– I mean– there’s also– you know–” Pigsy hesitated again, cursing himself for stumbling over his words again.

MK tilted his head. “You feeling okay, Pigsy?”

“Are you?” Pigsy immediately snarked back, though immediately wished he hadn’t (the cursing in his head growing louder).

MK’s eyes glanced around the restaurant as he slowly made his way to the bar and sat on a stool before picking at the grout. “I-I mean– I’m okay, if that’s what you’re asking. I-I just–...”

Pigsy blinked, surprised his screw-up wasn’t backfiring. Scared he’d find a way to ruin it though, he quietly and carefully approached the bar, giving MK an analytic up and down.

MK glanced his way, noticing the look and shrinking down. “I… I can’t sleep. Every time I do, I-I just– I-I–” The kid suddenly froze, eyes glazed over with a distant look of shame and terror before he desperately tried shaking it away.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay– stay with me, kiddo,” Pigsy tried his best to soothe, placing a free hand on MK’s shoulder and squeezing it tight. He could feel MK wanting to resist, but Pigsy held on tight, and eventually his son leaned into his shoulder.

“I-I’m so tired, Dad. I just wanna sleep, but– I-I have to keep working– I have to keep training, I have to.” MK sniffled.

“MK, it’s okay to take breaks sometimes,” Pigsy urged, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and giving them a squeeze.

MK shook his head. “E-even if I didn’t need to, I still can’t– it just doesn’t stop…”

Pigsy nodded slowly, not entirely surprised he was finally displaying symptoms of PTSD, or whatever Sandy called it– dammit, it really should be Sandy instead of him– why did Pigsy think he could do this on his own? Always so stupid–

No. If MK needed help getting to sleep, Pigsy knew how to get him to sleep– just use the same trick from when he was a kid. And who knows? Maybe with some luck, Pigsy could get a meaningful lesson in there too.

He could do this. He just needed to listen to his gut.

“I’m sorry sleep’s skipping out on you, kid,” the chef started, giving him another squeeze. “But since we’re all up and here, why don’t we give Li Na her first cooking lesson?”

A light sparked in MK’s eyes. “Really? You want me to help?”

“‘Course I do. You’ve run this place on your own a few times already, and she needs to know all the tips and tricks.” Pigsy winked, going behind the bar. “Although the dish we’re making tonight ain’t on the menu.”

“Huh? Why?” MK tilted his head and followed.

Pigsy shrugged. “Consider it a ‘double lesson’.”

“Ooo! Like a noodle master and his proteges,” MK grinned again.

“Sure,” Pigsy snorted, finding his old cook book and flipping to the particular Lanzhou Beef Noodle Soup recipe he had in mind.

“You sure Li Na’s gonna be able to stay awake for the whole lesson though? She’s already looking so sleepy to me,” MK cooed over the somewhat droopy-looking infant.

Pigsy chuckled, patting her head again. “She’ll be just fine; us Zhu’s can practically cook in our sleep.”

“I made instant ramen once in my sleep, does that count?” MK joked.

As much as Pigsy hated that garbage, he nodded sagely. “No doubt about it.”

That seemed to strike MK, as his joking smile twisted in surprise, before he shook himself out of it.

“R-right– well, um– I’ll get started on the dough,” MK forced a more casual smile before zipping off to the back again.

Pigsy bit his cheek, looking down at Li Na and silently wondering if that all was a good sign or not. The infant just blinked and smiled back tiredly.

“You know, you’re a lot like your brother when he was a kid,” Pigsy smiled tiredly and kissed her forehead. She cooed a tired response before nuzzling her face into Pigsy's chest.

Shortly after she did, MK came out from the back with all the stuff needed to make the noodles piled high in his arms. He managed to set it down just fine though; probably due to the kid’s super strength.

“Alright, I’ll get started on the dough if you get started on the chicken and beef?” Pigsy proposed.

“On it.” MK grinned, and Pigsy hummed happily as the two of them got to work.

Pigsy immediately started talking Li Na through the process of making noodles, despite her immediately falling asleep at the likely familiar sounds of sizzling meat and boiling pots. MK of course chimed in whenever he could, whether with a joke or with how he liked to do it versus how Pigsy did it. A part of Pigsy wondered if the kid knew his sister was asleep, but even if he didn’t, Pigsy wouldn’t dare say a word. After all, he was having fun, and that plus the sleep he’d get tonight would make him start feeling better in no time. Not completely fixed, of course, but better. And MK needed better.

It was dark out by the time they were wrapping everything up, and while MK was babbling about this one customer he had to serve, Li Na was starting to stir once again. Pigsy immediately started to sway as he stirred to try and keep her wake-up calm so MK wouldn’t worry, but babies are babies and soon enough a cry broke out.

“Seriously! A whole avocado! Who doe– Li Na–!” MK dropped everything to run to his dad’s side. “Is she okay? What’s wrong?”

“She’s okay, she’s okay, she just woke up from her little bed time nap, didn’t you?” Pigsy tried assuring the both of them, but Li Na must’ve been tired of the carrier as she started wriggling in frustration.

“Okay, okay, I hear you kiddo, just hold on a sec, okay?” Pigsy told her before looking at MK. “How’s about you do the finishing touches and I get her settled, alright?”

“O-Okay, yeah, I-I can manage.” MK chewed his cheek but tried to smile.

“Everything’s under control. Don't worry, MK.” Pigsy placed a hand on his arm again and gave it a squeeze.

“Right, yeah. On it, boss.” MK nodded to himself and went to the pot, giving Pigsy enough confidence to make his way to the bar where he finally freed his agitated piglet from her prison.

“There you go, it's okay, you're okay,” Pigsy shushed, carefully holding her in one arm and setting the carrier down with the other.

Li Na still continued to fuss though, threatening to wail as she kicked and failed her arms. Pigsy bit his cheek, trying to rock her but she kept trying to push him away.

“Kid, it's okay, I'm just trying to help you, just let me help you,” Pigsy pleaded with her, trying to bring her back to his chest but that only made her angrier as the wailing began.

Pigsy winced, trying to rock her instead, but that wasn't working either. She just kept crying and crying and crying, her face turning bright red and scrunched up. He tried digging through the diaper bag for something to help, but with how much squirming she was doing it was hard to be efficient with one arm.

“C'mon, it's okay, you're okay,” the chef whispered, desperate to not stress MK out even more than he already was.

God, this was such a mess. Sandy would've had it all figured out by now– he could read Li Na like a book, and he could help MK actually talk about his feelings. All Pigsy could do was bury his own feelings deep down and hope his kids didn't do the same. No wonder MK was like this, Pigsy was an exhausted mess too– he couldn't help anyone like this– he–

“Here, I got her formula for you.” MK suddenly appeared in front of Pigsy with a bottle in hand, startling the chef who needed a moment to comprehend.

“I– uh– thank you,” Pigsy took it with hesitation, unsure if it would work. However, the second the bottle reached the infant's lips she started chugging away.

Pigsy cursed himself internally for not even considering that could be the issue.

“Thanks, kid. How'd you know?” Pigsy asked tiredly.

MK shrugged. “She had that kinda clicky sound when she cried, and she only does that when she's hungry. I think it's because her tongue is in position for the bottle or something, I dunno.”

“Oh, yeah, I– uh– I guess she does,” Pigsy looked at her, shame weighing heavy in his chest.

“A-anyways– um– soups on,” MK gave a big nervous smile.

“Right, yeah. Back to our cooking lesson,” Pigsy forced a weak one back.

Taking a breath to ground himself, Pigsy got up and started making his way back to the counter. “You see, Li Na, the thing about good food is when you make it just right– the flavor, the feelin’– it all just comes rushing back to you,” Pigsy couldn't help but smile a little, thinking back to the last time he held MK in his arms in this very kitchen. If you do it just right, Li Na, it's more than ‘just food’, you know what I'm saying?” Pigsy looked at MK too.

“Right! Yeah, Li Na, follow the recipe and it'll all be good,” MK patted his sister's head.

“Oh– well– no, I, um–” Pigsy glanced at the noodle dish, when he realized MK– if he was following the directions to a tee as he claimed– missed an ingredient, and did a taste test to confirm.

“Hmm… it's missin’ somethin’.... but what?” He teased his son a little, and panic quickly entered his eyes.

“Wh-what?! But I followed the recipe perfectly, right?” MK went to flip through the cookbook before Pigsy rolled his eyes and let him have his own taste.

Thankfully, that snapped MK out of fight-or-flight as he tasted it for a second before it must've clicked in his mind. He instantly stood upright and reached for the soy sauce.

“Ahhh,” Pigsy winked encouragingly. “See kid, it's not always about following the recipe like it's written; sometimes you gotta feel it.” The chef smiled softly at the piglet as MK got bowls down and poured servings for the two of them. “And when you do, it becomes more than just food: it's home.”

“Oughhhh, it's so good,” MK laughed, tiredly picking the bowl up like he was talking to it. “Wish Li Na could try some, man, it's delicious.”

Pigsy chuckled, noticing Li Na was done with her bottle and quickly moved to start burping her, towel already on his shoulder. “Can't say I'm surprised. When I found– er– when you–... when you were a kid, this was your favorite.” He smiled tiredly at the memory, thinking back to the scrapbook. “I don't know when you stopped likin’ it so much, but–... but it always helped you sleep, so I figured–”

A soft thud of MK resting his head against the bar, next to his bowl, made the chef chuckle. “Still works.”

MK mumbled something in his sleep, and Pigsy rubbed a hand across his back until a small smile crept on his son's face.

“Now for the hard part.” He cringed, thinking how he'd now have to carry both of his kids up the stairs to MK's room.

Welp. He had no one but himself to blame, so may as well get to it.

Pigsy worked quickly and efficiently, making sure Li Na was 100% satisfied and ready to go back in the carrier before he set it to “backpack mode” and placed her in. After that, he mentally prepared himself for how much his back was going to hurt in the morning, before scooping up his sleeping son and throwing him over his shoulder, trying his best to make sure no part of him was hitting Li Na.

Immediately, Pigsy knew this was a stupid idea and that he should just text Sandy or Tang to come over to help. Instead, Pigsy stubbornly trudged up the stairs and into MK's apartment before all but dropping him onto the bed, before he too practically collapsed and sat.

“You know… that�� was a lot easier when you were little, kiddo.” Pigsy snorted.

MK didn't respond in the slightest, those noodles really knocking the living daylights out of him. It was good to finally see him relax and hopefully, with time, the dark circles around his eyes could disappear.

“Sorry I had to kinda trick you into sleeping, kiddo, but it's for your own good. You need to take care of yourself before you try and take care of me and your sister,” Pigsy chuckled a little as he heard Li Na coo behind him.

“Oh yeah, your brother's a real hard worker, missy. He needs his rest so we can't be staying long,” he told the infant, though wasn't really motivated to move.

He watched as MK's chest slowly raised and fell, over and over and over again in a rhythm that finally made Pigsy's own tense shoulders relax. He chuckled to himself as he instinctively reached and brushed his son's hair out of his eyes.

“I don't know how I ended up with you, but… I'm so glad I did,” he whispered. “I love you, son. Get some rest.”

Pigsy sat there for a while, softly stroking his son’s face and humming a lullaby out of habit. It seemed to help his son relax even more, a smile creeping on his resting face, making Pigsy feel like his heart could burst with pride and love. However, the chef knew he couldn’t stay forever, and so after finishing the song, he stood and turned off MK’s lights and left him to do as he was told.

Once outside, he let out a heavy, exhausted breath before going back to the restaurant where he took off the carrier and rearranged it to be front-facing once more.

“You have fun with your cooking lesson, kiddo?” Pigsy asked, adjusting the straps.

Li Na had no response, of course. Instead, she just watched her dad with big, curious eyes as he started gathering up all the baby supplies.

“Glad you liked it cuz there's plenty more where that came from,” he teased and slung the bag over his shoulder before he looked at all the bowls and food still out.

“Looks like we're coming back tomorrow anyways because I do not have the energy to clean all this up.” He snorted, which Li Na tried to copy.

Pigsy chuckled. “Nice one, kid. Now let's get you home.”

Li Na again attempted to snort, which Pigsy took as tired acceptance, so the two of them left the restaurant and headed homeward.

.o0o.

Despite Li Na waking up every two to three hours for food and changing, Pigsy actually felt somewhat at peace knowing his son was finally getting some rest. On top of that, Sandy was finally taking a day off as well, working on a “personal project” since it was Saturday. Tang didn't have work too, meaning he was home and relaxing as well. The only one not relaxing was Li Na, but she was still getting the hang of the “existing” thing, so it was fine. Besides, she was getting good at sleeping (much better than the previous three months), so he was relieved and proud nonetheless.

“You know, call me crazy, but I feel like we're actually starting to get the hang of this whole ‘baby parenting’ thing,” Tang joked, lifting Li Na in the air while he sat on the couch, making her squeal in delight.

“Compared to how we handled MK? Definitely,” Pigsy agreed as he repacked the diaper bag so they could go back and clean the restaurant.

“Oh, c'mon hon, that's not fair– he snuck up on us,” Tang pointed out, putting Li Naback down.

“Literally,” the chef snarked.

Tang rolled his eyes. “I don't know, I don't think we were terrible or anything– he's still alive, isn't he?”

“By a miracle.” Pigsy shook his head. “I still remember the beach incident.”

“Hey! That wasn't my fault! And in my defense, he's probably literally made of stone! And it's not like he was drowning or anything, I just–” The scholar got all red and flustered, making his daughter giggle. “You mock my pain, Li-Li.”

“Clever girl,” Pigsy smirked as his husband shot a dirty look.

“Well, if she's going to be like that then she doesn't get any more upies.” Tang stuck his nose up and Li Na's face fell.

“Tang…” Pigsy cautioned, noticing her face already beginning to twist and redden for a cry.

Tang looked back and noticed too, before immediately correcting his error and lifting her back into the air. “It's a good thing I'm not though, because you're such a cutie! Yes you are! Yes you are!” he said, lowering to kiss her cheek before raising her again and again.

Pigsy smirked and shook his head. “You're such a sap.”

“You are too! Yes he is, yes he is!” Tang fought back without stopping his little game.

The chef rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I'm all packed, we good to go now?”

“You know, I don't understand the purpose of taking MK all the way to the restaurant when you could've just made him food here,” Tang quipped, standing up and cradling his daughter, who was slightly less upset than before that their game had ended (though she did reach up at him with excited arms).

“It was for the lesson! Plus, kid needed to sleep in his own bed so he wouldn't be woken up by Li Na for once,” Pigsy pointed out, getting the carrier ready for Tang.

“You just wanted to check up on the place again, didn't you?” Tang raised a playful eyebrow.

“And if I did?” Pigsy dared his husband to question him as he handed the carrier off

Tang chuckled, kissing Pigsy's cheek as they swapped Li Na. “Big sap.”

“Oy,” Pigsy rolled his eyes yet again, bouncing Li Na a little as he did. “Can't a man have some peace in his own home?”

“I think even you should know by now the answer to that is ‘no’,” Tang snarked, clicking all the buckles.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's just get a move on.” Pigsy placed her in the carrier with her chest against Tang's, and this time Tang kissed him on the lips.

“Maybe you can whip me up a bowl of noodles while we're there too, hm?” he teased, his fingers tracing up Pigsy's shoulders flirtatiously.

“Freeloader,” Pigsy scoffed.

“My darling husband.” Tang batted his eyelashes.

“Yeah, yeah, let's try and get going before sundown,” Pigsy stopped the banter before they got too carried away, and so the couple (+ baby) headed downtown.

Of course, the walk wasn’t long since it was just the three blocks, but “somehow” Tang’s ankles were already hurting, so he “rested” by the bar and played with Li Na while Pigsy started cleaning on his own.

“You know, I’m kinda surprised you’ve been handling the whole ‘stay at home dad’ thing so well so far– I really thought by now you’d be itching to just open this place again– or at least be writhing with envy at the fact that Golden Hog’s open right now,” Tang pointed out, eyeing the window of the rival restaurant across the street.

“It’s nice to know you have confidence in me,” Pigsy huffed, scrubbing off some sauce from a bowl.

“Oh, come on– I’m allowed to make comments based on years of observation and learning now, aren’t I? Besides, it’s a compliment. You’re doing well,” Tang gave a small smile.

Pigsy just hummed a little, continuing his work.

“Then again, when you get to spend almost all day every day with this lil’ cutie, I can see why,” Tang scrunched his nose and took Li Na out of the carrier to cradle and bounce her.

“Yep, she’s my favorite little freeloader,” the chef teased, setting the dish on the drying rack.

Tang gasped in offense. “I’m wounded, Pigsy. You’ve wounded me.”

“Take it up with the baby, I’m sure she’d love to hear why you’re better than her.” Pigsy waved off, grabbing some more pots and spoons to clean.

“...Am I at least your favorite big freeloader?” Tang asked cautiously.

Pigsy laughed. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Wow. You did it. You wounded me again,” Tang sighed dramatically, which made Li Na laugh and reach at his scarf with excitement. “How can you live with yourself?”

“Knowing that this is payback for all of the many, many noodles I've cooked over the years,” Pigsy gave his husband a wink.

Tang stuttered to think of a comeback, but didn't manage to get one out before there was a loud squealing of tires outside and someone burst through the bamboo flap.

“Heyo my favorite-set-of-dads and niece-y! How's it hanging?” Mei grinned wide as she took off her motorcycle helmet.

“Mei! It's so good to see you,” Tang practically jumped to hug her with one arm.

“Yeah! What're you guys even doing here though? Aren't you staying closed for another two months?” Mei looked to the chef.

“I'm cleaning up from an impromptu late night meal I made last night for MK,” Pigsy explained casually.

“Oh, sick! He doing okay?” she asked, pulling up a stool next to where Tang sat again.

Pigsy's shoulders tensed a little before he shrugged. “He's resting now.”

“Oh, that's good. I noticed him being wayyyy more active on my late-night streams than he normally does. That's good.” Her eyes wandered back to the little four-month-old. “Omg–! Is this Li Na's first outing? That's so cool! I gotta take a photo!”

Pigsy paused. “Ah– well– actually she was with me last night–”

“Shushhushhushhushshhhh– I'm taking photos.” Mei grinned, taking out her phone and snapping picture after picture of Li Na looking at her with her head tilted in confusion and curiosity.

Pigsy couldn't help but laugh and shake his head, putting the last few dishes on the drying rack before taking out one of his bigger pots and boiling water yet again.

Mei perked up. “Ooo, you cooking for Li Na too? That's so cute!”

“Nah, this is just to satisfy the freeloader, since Li Na's too young,” Pigsy sighed dramatically.

“Ah, right, can't make her sick in the tum-tum, got it.” Mei nodded wisely. “Though– uh– can that be for two freeloaders?” she asked, batting her eyelashes.

“You people are gonna be the death of me.” Pigsy shook his head as if he wasn't already planning to.

“Teehee,” Mei giggled, making Li Na giggle too. “Ough, she's just too cute! How do you people get anything done around her?!” Mei booped her snout.

“Lots of practice,” Tang laughed, offering to let Mei hold her, which she immediately accepted.

“Well, call me untrained because all I wanna do is play with this cutie patootie, yes I do, yes I do,” Mei grinned wide as she tickled Li Na with one hand, filling the restaurant with piglet squeals.

Pigsy couldn't help but smile as the restaurant came to life with cooking, chatter, and laughter as Tang and Mei caught up while keeping the piglet entertained. He could actually relax when it was like this, when he knew exactly where all his loved ones were and that they were safe and happy. He loved feeling like he could provide for them– that he could watch over and protect them. It was something of a scarce feeling these days, so Pigsy would soak it up while he could.

Pigsy was about half way through cooking a massive pot of zha jiang noodle soup, when there was a massive truck that parked just outside. At first, Pigsy worried that the delivery company forgot the restaurant was closed, but one glance outside revealed it was just Sandy with his new pet project.

“OMG! Sandy! And Mo!!!!! Hi Mo!!!!!” Mei ran out the door and waved, piglet still in arm and squinting and squirming at the sudden sunlight.

“Mei, don't run off with her,” Pigsy cautioned, not taking his eyes off of the bamboo he was slicing.

Thankfully, she heeded the warning, as Sandy came to them instead of vice versa.

“Wow! Nice surprise seeing you all here.” Sandy smiled big, Mo perched on his shoulder. “What's the occasion?”

“Clean up turned late lunch hangout,” Pigsy explained, adding the vegetables to the pot.

“And here I thought maybe you'd actually take a day to relax,” Sandy teased.

Mei laughed, sitting back down on her stool. “This is Piggy we're talking about– he wouldn't know relaxation if it hit him in the head.”

Pigsy scoffed, but let the insults come. He didn't feel like explaining the nuances of his hobby, and was perfectly content knowing they were having a good time trying to roast him anyway– or at least Mei was. Sandy and Tang moreso just laughed along. As for Li Na, she reached and grasped at Mei's jacket while oinking here and there before she started to grow tired.

By the time soup was up, Pigsy recognized she was on the verge of getting cranky, and so ordered Tang to take her before serving up everyone's meals.

“Wow, Pigsy, are you psychic or something? How'd you know to make enough for Sandy too?” Mei asked before eating a spoonful.

Pigsy shrugged. “I always make more than enough because I know a certain freeloader is gonna ask for more.” He shot Tang a dramatic look, to which his husband grinned. “Besides, I wanted to make enough for MK too in case he heard all the noise and decided to come down.”

“Oh yeah, he must be real conked out right now, huh?” Mei spat out bits of sauce.

“Must be.” Pigsy shrugged and handed her a napkin. “I should probably check on him soon.”

“Ah, MK's fine, Pigsy. He's just a very sleep-deprived adult. If he's resting, I say let him,” Tang waved off.

“Yeah, yeah, you're right, I'm just being paranoid,” Pigsy let out a tired sigh. “I think I'm in need of some sleep too.”

Sandy smiled at him pitifully. “I can help out at night too, you know.”

“Bah, you got your trucks and boats to work on,” Pigsy waved off and Mei immediately snickered.

“That's our Pigsy, ladies and gentlemen,” She clapped with a shit-eating grin.

“I can and will charge you for that bowl, Miss Dragon Heiress.” Pigsy squinted at her.

Mei squinted right back but said nothing, eating more.

Pigsy ate in smug satisfaction.

The “late lunch” ended up lasting hours, the gang all laughing and talking and taking care of Li Na and feeling normal together. Pigsy hadn't realized just how isolated and disconnected he felt being locked up in his apartment all day every day, but now that he was here it was like a breath of fresh air. If Pigsy could find a way to capture the moment in a bottle for him to access whenever, he would.

However, the longer it went on, the more… off Pigsy felt. Despite Sandy and Tang's assurances, he couldn't help but worry why MK hadn't wandered his way down yet. It was true MK had slept an entire 24 hours before, but something deep in Pigsy's gut told him something wasn't right. He tried to ignore it, especially whenever Li Na needed him, but it continued to nag at the back of his mind even as the conversation went outside to Sandy's new truck.

“OMG!!! It looks just like Mo! That's so cute, Sandy!” Mei admired the headlights and grill.

“My little guy does so much for me, it's the least I can do for him,” Sandy smiled softly, giving the cat a nice scratch on the chin.

Pigsy thought it was corny, but knew not to say anything. Instead, he kept on wiping down the counter near the outdoor bar, where Tang was eating his third bowl and wearing Li Na in the carrier.

“Omg-!! Is that a little kitty cat-patterned car seat?! That's so cute! We gotta get Li Na in it!” Mei beamed excitedly into the vehicle's windows.

Pigsy looked at the time. “Maybe later kiddo, we gotta start wrapping up soon.”

“Awww, I don't wanna go home. Home is lame and I want more delicious noodlessss,” Mei whined.

“I have some leftovers if you want em,” Pigsy offered, and Mei immediately grinned.

“Man, Dadsy, you're the best,” She gave an enthusiastic thumbs up. He responded with his own tired one that made Tang chuckle.

“You sure Li Na's our first daughter?” Tang smirked.

“Yeah, shut up.” Pigsy scrubbed harder to avoid the stupid look on his stupid husband's stupid face.

“You know, I got a feeling that this baby is built to last.” Sandy patted his handy work, andthat sense of unease in Pigsy went into complete overdrive right before a sword fell from the sky and right onto Sandy's truck before three louder crashes destroyed the carrier.

As if almost triggering a heart attack from the sheer volume and damage alone weren't enough, Pigsy could make out the familiar groans of pain from MK, making his heart sink into his stomach.

“MK?! What– are you okay?! What just happened?! Pigsy exclaimed, rushing out of the restaurant.

“Aha– we have to go.” MK hopped up just fine, though had a look of extreme panic on his face.

“Does that have anything to do with the fact that the ominous cracks are back in the sky?” Tang questioned, pointing up.

Oh god…

“It's okay! We got a plan!” Sun Wukong smiled and patted MK's back like it was no big deal (as per usual).

“Oh, do we, huh? We don’t even know if these magical pillar healing stones are real,” Macaque bit back, filling Pigsy with rage towards the Monkey King for the millionth time, especially when he realized all the noise had woken Li Na from her nap and she was starting to wail. Tang was handling it, of course, but it still was enough to make the elder pig demon growl.

“W-what if going after the stones is just another tricky plan by tricky plan demon– like this is exactly what they want? Wh–... what if we really just are chaos..?” MK paced with anxiety, and Pigsy wanted nothing more than to put a hand on his shoulder and tell him that whatever he was talking about, it was okay and they'd be fine.

However, Wukong beat him to it. “Listen bud, the only thing I know for sure is I don't trust anyone who isn't standing right here, right now.” He looked around the street, making Pigsy feel slightly bad for getting so angry at him.

Slightly.

“If those stones are important,” Wukong continued, “then the safest place for them to be is with us.”

“Uh… what?” Pigsy finally got the chance to ask just as a bunch of sigils appeared in the sky.

“It feels like we're still missing something important here,” Tang pointed out, looking at the sky while he tried patting Li Na's back to soothe her.

“Oh– Yeah! We're– uh– sorta on the run from the celestial realm,” MK confessed, scratching his neck.

“I'm sorry– what?!” Pigsy exclaimed.

“I-I can explain, but we really gotta get going,” MK urged.

“What?! But what about Li Na? She's only four months old!” Tang added, the parents sharing a worried look.

“Yeah, well too bad, she's an accomplice now, so let’s get a move on,” MK urged, and terror settled in its usual spot in Pigsy's stomach. Just then, celestial soldiers teleported down all around them in pillars of light, armed and ready for battle.

“Yep–! Go now, people! Now, now!” MK laughed nervously, grabbing Mei's arm as he looked for an exit.

“Yeah, you probably shouldn't have messed up Sandy's fancy-schmancy new truck,” Mei pointed to the wreckage, which MK seemed to just now notice.

“Oh-! A truck! Yes, I can make one,” MK quickly decided, twirling his staff around before he hit the ground. It caused a blast that thankfully pushed away the celestial armies while also making the remains of the truck turn into a proper and overcomplicated getaway vehicle.

“Okay-! Everybody in!” MK called, looking around as the soldiers readied to fight again.

Pigsy froze momentarily, unsure of who to help or how, when Tang grabbed his arm and started dragging him to the truck, his other hand covering Li Na's head.

Right– yes, Li Na was here– Li Na was in danger– MK could handle himself, but Li Na was just a baby– he'd be okay, MK would be okay, Li Na would not, not if he froze– not if he–

“Pigsy, come on,” Tang urged at the open door and Pigsy snapped out of his spiral to quickly shuffle inside, taking Li Na out of the carrier and into the car seat MK had thankfully thought to include just as Wukong let out a painful cry somehow louder than Li Na's.

“What on earth is going on around here?” Pigsy muttered, digging through the diaper bag for Li Na's blanket while Tang tried patting her chest to keep her calm.

“If the sky cracks are back, it can't be anything good.” Sandy gave his friend a somewhat grim look through the rear-view mirror.

“Great, okay, good, just great.” Tang’s eyes started twitching. “And here I thought maybe everything was okay for once and that we were having a good time but nope! No peace in this family, no siree, we’re monster magnets and we’re never going to know peace a day in our lives until we die and–” His rant was interrupted by Wukong and MK suddenly falling into the truck from a shadow portal.

The second they were in, Sandy shifted the vehicle into gear and floored it on out of there, MK sticking his head out of the window to look back at whatever fight was still happening with Macaque.

“H-He’ll make it out of there, right?” He looked at Wukong, whose eyes were distant with shock. “He always gets away… right?”

The king didn’t seem capable of answering.

“I’m sure he’ll be okay, kid. Macaque’s a tough one,” Pigsy tried to comfort, though was distracted by Li Na still wailing.

“R-right, yeah, he’ll–...” MK again glanced at his mentor, before just falling back into his seat and hanging his head back.

The kid somehow looked even more exhausted than before.

Pigsy finally found the quilt Sandy made for Li Na and gave it to her, stroking her cheek gently twice to maximize her comfort. After a bit of that, she was able to stop her shrieking, which was only a slight relief to all other passengers as now the car had a tense atmosphere of uncertainty and pain no one knew how to address.

Pigsy wasn’t surprised when Tang suddenly held his hand, and he gave it the strongest squeeze he could before reaching and placing a hand on MK’s shoulder, squeezing it too.

“We’ll figure this out, kid, I promise.” Pigsy forced a weak, but hopefully encouraging smile.

MK sniffled and put a hand over Pigsy’s. “God, I hope so.”

“Hey now, there’s nothin’ we can’t figure out as a team, alright? We got this,” the chef insisted, trying to sway both MK and himself as he did.

“Right… right, yeah, we got this… together?” MK smiled.

Pigsy nodded. “Together.”

32 notes · View notes

katiascraft · 13 days ago

Text

✐ᝰ "You knew all too well i was right where you left me" | CL16 ࣪𓏲ּ ᥫ᭡ ₊

parings: retired!charles leclerc x writer!ex!reader

series summary: It’s the story of a woman frozen in the moment her world fell apart. A perfect dinner ended with, “I met someone else,” and while everyone moved on, she remained stuck in that instant, unable to let go of the past. A poignant tale of heartbreak, grief, and the weight of being trapped in a “forever” that never was.

🔎 chapter one: “love is short but forgetting is so long”

🔎 chapter two: “did the love affair mail you too?”

🔎 chapter three: “you kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath”

chapter four: “help, I’m still at the restaurant” -> chapter five

‼️ best friends in this chapter: nikola (nik) , dorothy (dottie) and beatrice (betty). They all know each other from Oxford University where the four of them studied creative writing.

word count: +5,1k.

BLOG MASTERLIST - series masterlist

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

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view story replies

agostinabff: hope you have a lovely week off mon amour!! You deserve it. We love you 💘

↳ yourusername: thank u for being the best part of my life 💌

y/nstan: omg GIRL we are the same person wtf 😭

user4: who is he and where can i find him to KILL HIM?????

nikolabff: is my air bnb recommendation good enough ????? (That looks disgusting, uber eats exists darling)

nikolabff: can't wait for tomorrow!! London should be scared of us 😈

nikolabff: did dorothy call you? She isn't answering my calls

↳ yourusername: babes!!!! Aaaaaa i'm so excited. I just ended call with dottie. She arrived safe and well, i missed you guys so much 😭 did betty text you?

↳ nikolabff: tbh she didn't but you know how she is. can't wait to see you all tomorrow!!

arthurleclerc: hey y/n i know this may be weird but just wanted to say, i read your book and it is amazing! my brother was an idiot you know? you are an amazimg person im sure you'll find someone who loves you deeply (if you didn't already. maybe you did) okay, i don't bother you any longer. hope we can meet again someday!

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

⋆˚࿔ a week ago 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

“There'll be happiness after you, but there was happiness because of you. Both of these things can be true. There is happiness, past the blood and bruise, past the curses and cries. Beyond the terror in the nightfall haunted by the look in my eyes that would've loved you for a lifetime and leave it all behind. Tell me, when did your winning smile begin to look like a smirk? When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt? I hope she'll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you. No, I didn't mean that. Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury. You haven't met the new me yet” you read that piece out loud from your personal journal to your therapist. She stayed silent for a while. You looked over at her knowing you skipped some parts but what you read in the end sank in.

“I think there’s a lot to discuss from just that single piece you wrote. But I wanna ask you something before anything else: do you really believe there will be happiness after him?” your therapist made you a question that felt like daggers pinching you that resulted in leaving you breathless for a few seconds. you loved and hated therapy for this reason. There were things you couldn’t question by yourself because you never thought about it and things you didn’t know how to answer like this one.

“I wish I could say yes. But i don't think i’ve been happy since he left” saying that out loud hurt yourself even more. It was not something easy to admit and accept. But it was the truth. You have never felt really happy since then.

She nodded, writing down in her notebook “but do you believe you can be happy without him? Why is he still so important or has so much space in your life that you can't be happy if he isn’t there? Why were you happy when he was with you?” as always, too many questions with so few answers. You felt exhausted, frustrated by the fact you didn't know what to think about it all.

“I'm sure I want to be happy, I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired” you assured her and yourself. You took a few seconds to think and she respected that. “I guess if I want to then I can, right? I mean, I talk to my friends and all of them tell me time and time again ‘don't let what happened define you’ and I try but I don't know why it is really hard for me” you explained looking at the floor.

“And what’s that definition of yourself?”

“That i'm not worthy of love i guess. that there will always be someone better than me, more attractive, more lovable, more interesting. I can't be the one, for anyone” admitting it felt like an elephant stepped on you and you just died in the act. Your therapist, Maria, nodded looking at you.

“Well, but in what you wrote you tell this woman he left you for, that you hope she is a fool like you, right?” she intervened. You nodded. “What can you tell me about it?”

You looked at your hands a bit sweaty. “I really don’t know. I mean her existence made me compare myself to her. She is so different. It made me feel all of those things I said before. And maybe i blamed her existence because if she didn't existed then, charles would still be here”

“You think so?”

“I guess, yeah” you looked at her. She wrote down more stuff on that notebook you were so intrigued by.

“So, for you, there doesn't exist the possibility that maybe he just stopped loving you? Like even if she existed or not - could be any other woman or could be no one at all. Would it hurt more if he just stopped loving you?” you felt your brain make a 180 turn on itself.

“I don’t know. Maybe, yeah, I mean. I Think it’s easier to blame someone then not have an explanation for it” your therapist nodded.

“So, why would she occupy your same place then? If you are different from each other, why would she be just like you? As a replacement it seems and at the same time who’s at fault for all of this situation and insecurities. And before you answer, I think we can connect that to what happened between your dad and mom, right?” she saw your face so confused she knew this was gonna be the end of the session so you could think about it during the next two weeks. “You told me you discovered your dad cheated on your mom. So all you ever dreamed was to find someone who would be better than him, to prove yourself that that isn’t your destiny, just like your mom. And then Charles left you for this other girl. And everything you built up in your mind to try to believe in love and to escape from the reality you had to live through, then it crumbled down in that instant. Leaving you feeling like there was no way you could be worthy of love, because you tried but Charles did exactly what your dad did to your mother. And since then you couldn’t date anyone else. This is a theory, I'm not saying it is what it is of course. But it seems that if they didn't exist then you wouldn’t be this hurt and maybe forgive charles,as you said when you wrote ‘and leave it all behind’ just like your mom did with your dad”

Her words echoed in your head for a while. The knot in your throat intensified. “Charles was my everything just like my parents were. And after what happened, with Charles and my dad, I guess I let that define me. I wanted to show myself that the love i’ve seen in books and movies existed, not like in my house. I wanted to make things right. In a way, to mend what hurt me the most. The betrayal of my dad. So I put Charles under that pressure and maybe that made things the way they went down. I don’t know to be honest. I don’t know why I want alexandra to be like me. Maybe that’s another way of convincing myself I'm not the only fool in this mess.”

“I don’t think you are a fool. Relationships are complicated and the reason he decided to leave could be based on a million reasons, and even in that situation. Maybe any of them are because of you or who you are as a person. People are complex and most times messy. Feelings aren’t easy to control or understand” she explained to you. “So, coming back to this new encounter you had with him, how did you feel about it?”

“It felt weird, very uncomfortable to be around him. But at the same time a force drove me closer to him. I wanted to be closer. Ask him everything and at the same time punch him. He felt the same to be honest. Just like the previous day he left, when everything was alright.” you pulled a face you didn't know how to describe at that moment.

“And you felt the same?”

“No i think, i didn’t” she nodded and half smiled at my answer.

“Then, what’s the new you he didn’t meet?”

“Who i am now i guess”

“And who are you?” her question made you realize you didn’t know how to answer that question yet. You knew you were different, because you felt different although stuck dealing with the aftermath of that relationship. She noticed your silence (because she knew all too well you didn’t know how to answer it) and smiled gently.

“Alright, y/N. Let’s leave it here and continue next session, okay? See you in two weeks”

Who the fuck were you now?

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Mornings at your balcony were your favorite moment during the day. Your coffee was warm and comforting on a grey and windy day. You were covered in clothes and blankets. You needed that moment anyway. You wouldn’t let the winter win. You watched your neighbor cleaning his living room. He had his window opened so you could see a bit of what he was doing. However, you didn't see him very well because you didn't have your glasses on so it’s a bit blurry. You thought there was someone else with him. Probably a girl.but you weren’t that interested.the only thing you hated about your balcony was the fact that the view was partially blocked by that damn house up the hill.

After a while, you took your stuff and went into your house again. You felt warmer instantly. You left the blankets on the coach and washed up what you used to have for breakfast a few minutes ago. You had to pack as soon as possible. On saturday, you travel to london to see your college friends and also because your friend franco, another formula one driver you met by chance at a college party, it was his birthday party. You wanted that week to be a good one. Be a week you genuinely enjoy and just be happy.

But after everything that happened the last month around Charles, it was really difficult. Your therapist was a really good help of course. But you hated not knowing how to handle all of these feelings you didn’t understand and that paralyze you.

You only had one phrase in your head: ‘no one teaches you what to do when a good man hurts you’.

You couldn’t think of Charles as a bad man, or person or anything. Yes, he was stupid. And he destroyed your self esteem. And your trust. And yes, you still were kind of stuck in that restaurant. But you also had some kind of responsibility. And that also troubled you a lot.

Your self esteem shouldn’t be defined by anyone else but you. What do you think about yourself? Who are you? That was your fault. You didn’t know how that would affect destiny for him to leave you but well, it is what it is yet. You kind of thought that maybe it’s the price you had to pay for putting him in a role he didn't want to be in. maybe you were too much. Too intense. Too dependent. He only wanted someone to talk and have fun with. But you wanted a good husband at 18, and a good father, and the one who would take away your pain and fix your traumas.

Maybe he wasn’t the only one who hurt someone, but you also hurt him in some way.

Ten years in, and you still couldn’t explain what happened. What did you do or not do for him to stop loving you? Or perhaps you can actually stop loving someone but you didn't experience it yet.

You sighed, reaching your travelling suitcase from on top of your closet. You almost fell so you had to grab a chair from your kitchen. You loved travelling but packing was a nightmare (also, because you couldn’t decide which outfits were good so you had to take two suitcases and pay extra everytime. Not that you didn't have the money and it was a problem. But you knew it was an unnecessary spend).

That’s when you remembered how it was like to travel with charles. And you hated yourself for remembering his stupid laugh so cute it made your heart melt every time. Would he still laugh like that? Maybe it was best not to know it.

If you were younger and he came back, you’d probably forgive him and leave it all behind just to be happy with him. But now, you wanted to leave everything behind: him, his family, the memories, the feelings, the hurt. And maybe that is what changed.

That was the new you.

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Your laugh was so liberating. Your hair was free in the wind. He was driving through the Monaco coast. It was finally summer break and you decided to have a picnic at the beach. His hand on your tight. David Guetta on the radio. You were singing along without a care in the world.

Your fingers brushed his hand making him look at you through his sun glasses in a beautiful cute smile.

“You look gorgeous, cherie” you saw his lips pronounce those words in slow motion, feeling your every fiber get wild inside you. Your smile was so big and your cheeks pink. He could melt forever just to see you this happy. You wanted to freeze those moments with him and live in them forever.

“I love you, Charles,” you said so warmly and softly. It was your romance movie playing over and over again. That’s how you felt. But when he heard you say those words, his face turned serious. Almost pulled a face of disgust. For some reason you got so scared you wanted to jump out of the car to save your life.

You wanted to save your life.

He noticed you wanted to escape so he tightened his grip on you tightly, hurting you but he wasn’t letting you go away.

“Charles, let go of me” you said almost in a whisper. Your breath was fast. You needed to jump. You started fighting so he would let you go.

“Stop, cherie. We’re gonna have our happily ever after, isn’t that what you wanted?” he said, trying to drive and grab you at the same time. You started crying not knowing what to answer. The anxiety took over you.

“You said you loved me cherie, you can’t go now” he was crying and let go of the steering wheel. You got desperate seeing the car had no control and you were at the Monaco cliffs.

“Charles! CHARLES!” you screamed from the top of your lungs as you watched both of you exiting the driveway into nowhere. All the sea around you. Slow motion Charles looked at you with a huge smile.

“Happily ever after baby” he said and you looked horrorized. But when you were about to scream again as if that would change anything.

Everything went black.

You woke up drowning in cold sweat and tears. Your heart was beating too fast for your liking. The feeling you had in that moment of pure confusion was scared to death. For a moment you didn’t know if you were alive or dead. Your room was pitch black so it kinda felt like you died. But you were thinking and you thought there was no way you could think when dead, so you were alive.

After a few seconds of paralysis, you react and turn on your light from your bed table. You took a deep breath and scrubbed your face to wake yourself up. Your face was wet still from your tears. The moment you were conscious again you felt defeated. It was the third time in the night you were having this kind of nightmares, now three days in a row. You laid back again in bed for a moment.frustration was all over your face. You were so tired of living like this. Yet, you didn’t know how to stop. You grabbed your phone to see what time it was. It showed 5:46 am. You snarled, hating your brain more than anything in the world.

You got up from bed and went straight to the bathroom to wash your face. You knew all too well you couldn’t be able to fall asleep again nor you wanted to. It has been a terrible night already. So you let your brain win once again.

You went downstairs to your studio where it was warm. Sun isn't out yet, so here you’ll be warmer. If not, you probably would have chosen the balcony as always. Or the restaurant, although you haven't come back to it since the last encounter with charles. You just didn’t want to go back there ever again. Just like the time he left.

You sat on your chair at your desk. Eyes tired. You opened your journal. You didn’t remember writing so much like in the past week or so. But you had so many thoughts to write sometimes it got difficult for you to function properly. You just had to stay at home writing non-stop. Not only your upcoming book but your feelings. After the dream you had, a lot must be processed.

I know I'm probably better off on my own than loving a man who didn't know what he had. And I see the permanent damage he did to me.

Never again.

I just wish I could forget when it was magic.

But I also just wish you could’ve been a better man.

You sighed reading your words again on paper. You felt worried about yourself. Like, maybe you were broken and couldn’t ever be fixed. You were scared that you wouldn’t be able to fix yourself back up again. Or even thinking that maybe you were born broken so how could you fix yourself then? You were scared there was no way out of this pain, agony, self hatred, nightmare you have lived these past years… or your whole life. You dreamed about being in love again with someone so different from charles yet maybe who makes you feel the same high. Or maybe higher erasing every trace of him or memory of your dad. Now lines were blurry. You didn’t want to think about your dad, not only because he was gone and you couldn’t do anything about it, but because it felt weird linking him in some way to charles, but if your therapist said so, maybe you were more troubled than you thought.

Would there be a good guy? Do they even exist? You guessed you’ve never met one of them yet.

I hold onto this pride because, these days, it's all I have. And I gave you my best, and we both know you can't say the same.

Were you writing about him? Or about your dad?

You stared at the wall thinking about the answer that never came around.

Just like the both of them did when it came to you.

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

It was 10 am in the morning already. You didn’t sleep a bit. You’ve been in a zoom meeting since 8. Talks about the movie in the making were held. Casting started so they sent you a few ones they think are perfect for the roles so you have to watch them after the meeting. Also, they go through the aesthetic and changes they will make from the book, and that’s why this meeting has been so long. They needed to discuss everything with you to make sure you agreed. They wanted to be respectful with your work and you appreciate it very much. It made you feel important. In other news, they thought that taylor swift could make the soundtrack for the movie and you got very excited about it. You loved Taylor's songwriting and believed (and were almost sure) she would make the perfect song for the movie.

It was gonna be a long day ahead, full of work and watching hours of footage from castings. But it was for your dream. You still couldn’t believe you had your book be a movie in the making. It still feels surreal.

Then you remembered charles’ ex followed you and liked your posts. And you were mad at him again. You were sure (no doubts at all for real), she didn't know who you were. Because he kept you buried like you were sin.

A part of you wanted to believe he did it because he knew he fucked up and didn’t want people to judge him for his lack of sympathy towards his last lover. But at the same time you just found it cruel behavior with no reason at all to do that. You kinda felt dirty as if you were bad. Very bad. Banned from his life.

You shook your head, getting yourself back to the present time and starting working again. Your lack of rest doesn't help in getting distracted with thought every minute but you were doing the best you could. Plus, work helps you not to think about anything else. And that’s good.

You really needed a break from thinking.

⋆˚࿔ finally the london trip arrived 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

yourusername made a post

liked by nikolabff, beatricebff, francolapinto, landonorris and 678,435 others

yourusername: first few days back in london = first few days of happiness ❤️‍🩹

tagged: @nikolabff , @beatricebff , @dorothybff and @francolapinto

view more comments

user345: girl is happy we are happy

user3: omg such QUEENS

↳ francolapinto: i guess ur not talking about me

↳ user3: oh im so talking about you too

↳ francolapinto: 🤨

nikolebff: the girls girled

dorothybff: happy looks very hot on you darling 🫦

beatricebff: can you kiss already??????

↳ yourusername: no ❤️

nikolabff: gossip so good bro was giggling and kicking his feet

↳ francolapinto: it was indeed

↳ alexalbon: better bring that gossip to the paddok asap

↳ yourusername: it's CONFIDENTIAL

↳ alexalbon: booooooo ur so boring

↳ oscarpiastri: i wanna be part of this group please

↳ nikolabff: yes you can sir

↳ francolapinto: i thought no one else was allowed

↳ nikolabff: stfu 🩷

User231: i love this crossover of y/n and formula 1 drivers. I would've never expected it tbh

↳ franstan: same!!! I love it!! Didn't know she was friends with franco

↳ user354: i think they met a few years ago, y/n was asked about it on insta questions and she said they met randomly at a college party

↳ franstan: interesting

User1: girl!!! You look so good omg

francolapinto: te amo amiga so happy to see you happy ❤️‍🩹

↳ yourusername: te amo tambien ❤️‍🩹

↳ user778: EXCUSE YOU ???????

↳ franstan7: OMG OMG OMG

user4: WHAT IS HAPPENING ?

user324: so no one is gonna talk about lando world champion fucking norris being on the likes ????? 🤨🤨🤨🤨

↳ landostan: that was what i was thinking

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

⋆˚࿔ finally the london trip arrived 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Laughter was all over the place as well as a lot of bottles of alcohol with names you haven’t seen in your life. It was finally Saturday night, which meant it was Franco's birthday celebration. And because it was his birthday of course all the decorations were argentina flags everywhere and boca junior club t-shirts for everyone, including you. As you got to his house you were given one at the door to wear it. Fortunately, for you it didn’t ruin your outfit and I could say it looked great on you. Or well, that’s what franco said to you while preparing you a drink you haven’t ever tried before. He said it was called fernet with coke. You were already a bit drunk because you were drinking vodka with the girls while getting ready. You didn’t like vodka that much but after everything that happened in your life, you kinda felt the urge to drown in vodka or tequila. Mi gente latino music was playing non-stop. You knew Franco loved duki and bizarrap, and they were actually at the party. You couldn’t talk to them yet. So everything was a bit crazy even if you weren’t that many people. He was just a close friend to franco. So i guess it was like 60 people. Way too many people to be honest but for a famous 2 times world champion it was really a small amount of people so it was super intimate.

“There you go, hermosa” he said, handing you the glass full of black liquid. You looked at it a bit worried in a funny way and grabbed it. He let out a cute laugh. “Try it, you’re gonna like it, i promise” he encouraged you. He couldn’t resist the view of you with that boca juniors on. Probably, the combination of you and that was his heaven made on earth. He was really down for you, since it felt like forever. Probably since that night at that party back 6 years ago or so. You always have a different light that anyone can match. and that’s what he liked most about you along with your authenticity. You were so unique to him. He looked at you biting his lip a little trying not to be so obvious.

You tried the drink looking into his eyes. You were really close but you felt really comfortable. Your friends have left you alone with him the minute he came forward to you, of course. They really believed you could work out with him. And after vodka and long talks about it with them, maybe you would give it a try. But it scared you, you didn’t want to use him as a friend. So it was a risky situation in your opinion. Although, you could see he liked you for a long time now. And you found him funny and really attractive in your opinion. You give it a few more sips to taste it fully. “Oh I think I like it,” you said, giving him a funny smile.

“I told you. I’m the best fernet preparer in this whole country… and also, I did it with love just for you” he said, making you laugh and blush after the last sentence he said.

“I’m sure it’s the love you put in it” you gave it another sip looking at him. His face turned red and let out such a cute giggle. Alcohol was making you melt for your best friend? We guess so.

He got closer grabbing your waist and planted a sweet kiss on your cheek making you nervous as you never felt for a long time. However, it felt weird. Maybe as if this shouldn’t be happening.

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Franco’s house was enormous. The party was being held at the gallery near his garden. It was cold but the lights and the people stuck to each other made it warmer. You were with your girls again dancing to bad bunny and los del espacio songs. You didn’t understand a word because Spanish was definitely not your talent. You tried to learn because of Franco, and he tried to teach you, but failed every time. You did learn a few words anyway but speaking fluidly was something you won’t ever do. Or that’s what you thought about it. It was your third fernet. You didn’t know it was so good. Also it could make you so drunk. And you were way too drunk by now but you never felt so happy. You were laughing about anything and everything. Dancing without a care in the world. Enjoying being surrounded by your friends. Charles wasn’t on your mind nor any trace of him or his family or the history behind you two. Memories have faded away, washed by the alcohol in your veins. You didn’t remember having so much fun since forever. Your girls were right. Life was so much more than Charles, you were so much more than what you were with him. And all of this you have it because of you and you alone. In that moment you felt liberated. Free from the curse it was put on you. Free of judgment. Free of insecurities. Until you saw that damn mullet and when it turned around you felt kind of speechless. Your eyes locked in that man you didn’t know but he was so hypnotic. You couldn’t stop looking at him.

“Girl! Close your mouth, you're drooling! Is it for franco, huh?” Nikola joked when she saw you like that, making you laugh while shaking your head.

“No it isn’t girls, is that guy over there i don’t know who he is but he is so beautiful” you said pointing your finger in his direction unconsciously. Because when you looked at him again he was looking at you straight in the eyes. You almost freaked out and ran away from there. His fucking smile. What the hell is happening to you? Your friends looked over at him as well with no simulation at all. The four of you were pretty obvious. And that’s when another guy turned around to see where his mate was looking over with that face. Nikola almost fell to the floor.

She turned around freaked out, making all of you stop looking at them so weird. Alcohol makes you behave so embarrassing for your liking.

“Holy shit girls, it’s oscar fucking piastri and lando norris” her eyes were leaving her face for a bit. You grabbed her arms still confused. You didn’t know them but you heard nik talking about that oscar a few times. Betty and Dottie looked over at them again but they were gone.

“Okay they are gone nik” dottie said. Betty took a sip from her drink. You wanted to say something but you felt someone grab your waist from behind and kiss your head.

“Hello ladies” of course it had to be franco. You smiled nervously looking at your friends. One of your hands placed over Franco's arms not wanting him to let go. You liked it. Or that’s what you drowned in alcohol though about it.

“Hello mister, i guess we will grab more drinks at the bar, goodbye bye byeee” Betty said, taking her two girls with her leaving you alone with franco. You laughed and resigned. Nik gave franco a warning sign ‘im watching you’ making franco laugh too. And they disappeared through the people dancing and talking.

He kissed your cheek letting you go a bit so you could turn around to face him. “Hey handsome, where have you been? Are you having fun?” you said surrounding his neck with your arms and he did the same around your waist. He nodded in a smile.

“Now that I'm back with you, I'm really having fun,” he said cheeky.

“Oh shut up” you said rolling your eyes funny because of his flirty side.

“Hey, I'm telling the truth. I was with my school friends though ,they came from home” he told you and made you smile while stroking the curls on his head gently. Your fingers in his hair sent shivers down his spine. He couldn’t stop looking at your lips and you noticed. But you liked it so you let him.

“I’m happy you’re enjoying your night fran. You deserve all of this love, world champion” you said sweetly looking at his eyes so shiny and deep green right now. Your words made him melt.

And there were you, the girl who can win over the man known for being the most professional at flirting. You always win with him. He is so down bad for you he felt stupid. You were so beautiful in his eyes. So amazing. He hated Charles so much. He even celebrated when he retired. They couldn't even pretend to like each other and actually it was one of the most famous feuds between drivers in the history of the sport. Franco just couldn’t comment anything positive about charles. Even if he tried he just couldn’t. The most infamous moment was when Charles won his first championship and he was asked about it. He said he didn’t want to comment about it because he had nothing to comment about. So franco started to be known as the guy who was nice to everyone except for charles leclerc. And it was hilarious to see because no one knew why. And the why was always you.

Franco wanted to have you and couldn’t. Charles had left you alone and destroyed another woman. How could he? Franco took that as an insult. You were an amazing woman. The most amazing woman he has ever met and that asshole did that to you. He just couldn’t stand him. Breathing the same air as Charles was unbearable for him.

All of these thoughts rambling around and neither of you didn’t realize you were kissing already. Your lips melting into each other in the sweetest and softest kiss you have ever had. Even better than any kiss Charles could have given you before. You hated yourself for comparing every guy in your life with Charles, but you couldn’t help it. But this felt different. It was sweet but at the same time it felt so wrong.

But you couldn’t stop.

And you didn’t want to.

⋆˚࿔ TO BE CONTINUED 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

chapter fiver: here.

author's note: things are getting complicated around here!!!

tag list: : @a-beaverhausen , @priniya , @annaluna12 , @thehoplessromanticclub , @emryb , @hadids-world , @kaztheemyth , @freyathehuntress , @diorbrxtz , @theseerbetweenus , @sie17136 , @leila-030304 , @charlesgirl16 , @ricciardosheart , @weekendlusting

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