#A wild karen in her element

[totallyuseless-ugh]

Sticky note on the Dashboard

CJ usually is a very polite employee at the local pharmacy, despite all the weird looks they'd often get from older people for their appearance. But walking around like this for years had gotten them used to those kind of awkward stares from these strangers. And it was nice to receive a few compliments for the tattoos from time to time from the few people that liked their looks.

One day though, CJ dragged themself to work on barely any sleep after a long, exciting night out. And while they did their best to stay polite as always, one lady had them not give a fuck anymore.

She had listed off the medications she'd need, already having her nose scrunched up and eyes narrowed a little at the sight of CJ's tattoos going up their neck. They thought nothing much of it and just went ahead to pick everything up for her, ringing her up back at the register. During the brief awkward silence of waiting for her card to be accepted looked the woman up at them once more, still having the stupid look on her face.

"Why would you have this tattooed on you?" She pointed her finger at the "They/Them" tattoo on CJ's throat. "I got nothing against trans people or whatever. But I remember being taught in biology class that there's only two genders, male or female. So 'they' wouldn't make any sense."

CJ just gave her a tired face and took a deep breath. "Ma'am, several doctors with PhDs looked at my genitals when I was born, and none of them could figure out what the fuck I was supposed to be. If you think you know better than any of them, by all means, have a look yourself. My husband and I would love to know your expert opinion." They packed up the order for the woman and placed it on the counter for her once the transaction was processed. "Otherwise, just take your stuff and leave me the fuck alone."

Despite the woman later complaining to Manfred Zimmermann, CJ's boss, they got into no trouble whatsoever. Simply out of spite, because he had an encounter with her unpleasant self once too.

[lilydalexf]

🌲👽 X-Files Survival/Wilderness Fic Recs

Here are some very good X-Files survival or wilderness fics. Because @thatsaprettycoolposter and @pookie-mulder asked! This list does not include post-colonization fics, which are also all survival fics of a sort. Enjoy!

Alligator Moon by jordan big monster in swamp attacks FBI agents

Antidote by Rachel Howard and Karen Rasch Strange doings in a tiny western town bring Mulder and Scully out to investigate. Once there, they uncover a deadly experiment that may cost both of them their lives.

Backtracking by Kel and Scetti What do Charlie Scully, the Alien Bounty Hunter, and Jesse "the Body" Ventura all have in common? Last April you could have found all three of them in Minnesota.

By the Wind Grieved by Karen Rasch Months have passed and Mulder is back. But things are not as they once were. He doesn’t know who he is or what Scully and he are to each other. Together they must reclaim the past before their enemies take away their future.

A Cabin in the Woods by @leiascully Mulder and Scully, on the run, stay for a while in a cabin in the mountains in Montana. A series of interlacing vignettes.

a cabin in the woods by @monikafilefan Being stuck in this rustic cabin, clearly left to age among the wilderness had Scully feeling wild herself, and it felt as if their bodies danced to an ancient song among the elements.

Camping by Amperage and Livengoo Fox Mulder and Dana Scully have survived abductions, serial killers, mutants and aliens but the Partner Cooperation Program Wilderness Encounter may finally do them in. After poison ivy and catfish, who wouldn’t long for a nice, safe killer mutant?

A Change of Seasons by Jo-Ann Lassiter A search for a mythical beast in the woods of Pennsylvania takes an alarming turn for the worse when Mulder's minor in ury escalates into a life-threatening disease.

Changing Tides by QofMush Who says change is all bad?

Circumnavigation by Suzanne Schramm Sometimes you don't know where you're going until you get there.

Coming Back by Karen Rasch Mulder gets a call from Mrs. Scully, who fears for Dana's safety. Following her instructions, he tracks his partner to a cabin in the mountains where he finds that she does indeed need his help. Memories of her time away have come back with a vengeance. (Sequel: The Calm After The Storm)

Dark Water by Suzanne Schramm Prehistoric insects. Mothmen. Now it’s a publicity-shy tribe of murderers. Just another nice trip to the forest with Mulder.

Falling Snow by Snark Mulder, Scully and a mysterious woman from Mulder's past crash in the snowy landscape of the Colorado winter.

Frozen by @dashakay The end of a case, and a stay in a log cabin during a blizzard, lead Scully to take the biggest risk of her life.

Last Chance Falls by @slippinmickeys A man. A women. A forest. A hit squad. An adventure.

The Lost by Wintersong Mulder and Scully are trapped in the remote wilderness and the art of surviving was not what they expected.

Old Growth Forest by Andrea Mulder and Scully investigate the disappearances of homeless people in Madison, Wisconsin and seemingly end up suffering the same fate.

A Path of Salt by Analise Mulder ditches Scully yet again to help an old friend in the Park Service. But Scully has never been one to sit and wait.

Tam Lin by Pequod When your local young men disappear, only to turn up dead a year later, sometimes it helps to have friends in high places. Myth and murder combine in a remote Scottish village, and Mulder and Scully investigate. The Fairy Queen is out to revenge the loss of her most prized knight, Tam Lin. Mulder believes but Scully’s not so sure, until Mulder takes a walk in the woods.

Tempest by Missy Pennington Mulder and Scully survive a plane crash to find themselves injured and stranded in the Appalachian wilderness. (Sequels: Distance, Wild Places, and Escape Me Never)

Untitled by @o6666666 Prompt: Mulder takes Scully camping and they make love for the second time ever under the stars.

Waiting in Motion by mountainphile After leaving the hot spring (in "Miraculous Manifestation"), Scully and Mulder take an unexpected detour on the way home. Dark secrets emerge when they seek shelter in a raging storm...and an intriguing X-file rears its head... (Sequel: Signs of Life)

Way Through the Woods by Pellinor and Rebecca Rusnak Three months ago, someone noticed something unusual about Scully. Now, in a desperate attempt to stave off the inevitable, Mulder has disappeared, and Scully’s only chance of finding him include an unlikely ally and an untrustworthy informant. As they make their way through the woods, can Mulder and Scully find each other, or is the future lost?

[pansysgothgf]

The Buddie Grey’s Anatomy AU I wrote is done so here’s the rest of my moodboards for it + the rambling thoughts I have about the characters :)

Hen!! Hen’s the character I was the most excited about but also the character I feel like I did the least with because as much as I adore Cristina, so many of her plot points in the show seemed to revolve around her truly horrific boyfriends/fiancés/husbands. My hatred of Owen Hunt runs deep, so Karen ended up being partially inspired by Burke. I ended up mostly focusing on Hen and Buck becoming friends, but I do wish I got to spend a little more time on her :(

I ended up sharing Bailey’s plot lines and character between Maddie and Chim, which I’m pretty happy with tbh! My favourite scene to write with them was actually the first one of theirs I wrote for this fic, which was my whumptober submission that ended up being a chunk of chapter two. While they’re mostly based after Bailey, Maddie also reminded me a little bit of Jo (both of them surviving abusive husbands) and I gave her one of April’s plot lines in the final chapter, which was exciting! I did briefly consider incorporating Lexi, Molly or Maggie’s plot lines in for Maddie (the whole ‘secret sibling’ thing) but it just didn’t work with the way I set it up.

LUCY MY LOVE!! I became so unintentionally attached to Lucy while writing this so she got WAY more plot than I was initially intending haha! There’s something so magical about watching the first few seasons of Grey’s and seeing the dynamic between all of the roommates, which I tried really hard to incorporate into the fic. Then I realized I’d become attached to Lucy and Ravi and went… oh shit I’m going to have to actually give them plots rip. I had so much fun choosing which Izzie plots to give to Lucy since Izzie has some really amazing stuff to work with in the show. I ended up going with the two biggest plots (imo). Because I changed so much though, I ended up combining Izzie’s cancer plot line and Amelia’s brain tumour to create what I ended up with. I’m pretty happy with it, honestly, I hope I built it up sufficiently enough :)

Ravi!!! Ravi is what people wish George O’Malley could’ve been. As I’ve previously stated, I do not like the majority of Grey’s men, and this includes George. I ended up focusing mostly on George’s issues with confidence and his complicated relationship with his family. I also elected not to go the bus route with Ravi, you’re all welcome. Fun fact! I made Lena the orthopaedic surgeon because my biggest crack ship in all of 9-1-1 is Lena/Ravi. I headcannon them to be a lesbian and a gay man but they match each other’s freak, and they’re both just as surprised about it as anyone.

Honourable mentions (aka characters I want to yap about but didn’t make moodboards for):

Shannon: I based Shannon off of Addison Forbes-Montgomery-Shepherd SPECIFICALLY because of the season 1 finale. They’re both the secret wives that show up and create chaos which I love lol. I specifically left Shannon’s ending pretty ambiguous, mainly because I don’t know if she would’ve stuck around had she lived in 9-1-1. If we’re going off of Grey’s though, she’s living her best life in LA with a group of friends who she cares a lot about. I like to think that at some point Chris reaches out (probably when he’s a lot older) and they create a tentative relationship.

Tommy: I gave Tommy elements of both Mark Sloan and Owen Hunt (just his position at the hospital because seriously, fuck Owen Hunt). I decided on Tommy as Mark before Season 7 started airing which is WILD because I basically flipped a coin between him and Sal, but went with Tommy since he showed up to fly the plane in season 2. I wrote him and Buck kissing after Buck, Bothered and Bewildered though lol! I don’t really think about what happens to Tommy after the ending of the fic, although it’s definitely not what happened to Mark. Seeing as Owen doesn’t exist in this world, neither does the plane crash <3

Ok that’s it thanks for coming to my ted talk :)

[spaceprincessem]

wip wednesday

hello loves! thank you to @spotsandsocks @prince-buck-diaz @alyxmastershipper and @cowboy-buddie for the tag today! here’s a lil treat from a bday fic im working on for one of my lovely lovely friends

Eddie looks around for an escape, but the only one that comes to mind is Karen tirelessly working away as the bartender for the moment, laughing loudly at something Michael’s said. Hen would soon follow if he beelined right to her wife. Chimney and Maddie are busy working on a sandcastle with Jee. Bobby is manning the grill as Athena sets up the rest of the food. Albert and Ravi are in the middle of a splashwar with Lucy sneaking up from the depths of the water, dunking them, and then of course, there’s Buck…

And look, Eddie knows exactly what Hen is insinuating here. He’s well aware that he looks like a lovesick idiot staring out into the water practically projecting his yearning like some teenage girl in a romcom, but it’s not his fault. Buck is in his element and Eddie is a weak, weak man. Even from here Eddie can see the way small droplets of water run down the expanse of Buck’s torso, the ripple of his muscles as he hoists Christopher, Denny, and Harry up in the air. His curls are wild and free, face sun-kissed and skin flushed pink as his laugh echoes across the lake. 

In the few seconds he isn’t attending to the kids he throws Eddie a bright smile that rivals the sun and if Eddie weren’t already sitting he’d probably melt right into the sand. Buck is happy and beautiful and alive. How can Eddie possibly look away?

He also really really wants to drag his tongue up Buck’s chest and kiss him senseless.

tagging @renecdote @shortsighted-owl @buddierights @sibylsleaves @elvensorceress @mysteriouslyyounggalaxy

[runilareads]

Review: Beatrice the Bride - Kirsten Osbourne (Cowboys & Angels, 1)

Title: Beatrice the Bride Author: Kirsten Osbourne Series: Cowboys & Angels, 1 Release Date: October 2017 Publisher: Unlimited Dreams Publishing Rating: 1.5 stars

Favourite character: Millie Least favourite character: Arthur

Mini-Review: Oh boy. This book was something else. So much happened in it and it was so awkwardly written. In the course of the first 12% of the book here's a quick summary of what happens: her parents die, we meet an angel, we have a cameo by the Grim Reaper, we meet bachelor #1 who ends up being the best guy for her to marry in the town but is actually giving her ultimatums, gaslighting and controlling her throughout the book. Not to mention that there are constant mentions throughout the book that women keep disappearing in the town. It's just all over the place and none of it flows properly. And the whole angel/Grim Reaper angle threw me off because I had no idea that there was going to be a paranormal/supernatural element to it. I know the series says Cowboys & Angels but I figured it meant Angels as in city women who don't belong in the Wild West. Whatever. I'm going to suffer through the rest of the series.

Fan Cast: Beatrice Hart - Willow Shields Arthur Jameson - Devon Werkheiser Rev. Callum Bing - Richard Madden Millie Bing - Karen Gillan Archibald "Archie" Grady - Richard Harmon Gabriella - Michelle Gomez Mortimer Jackson - Misha Collins Hugh Fontaine - Devon Bostick

[readwithnox]

arc review: stormbringer by erinn harper

A big thanks to INK & INCENSE PRESS for the ARC! @ink-and-incense

the overview

All right, so I originally reviewed this book back in October of 2022—the now first edition.

As a lover of magic-infused modern settings, this was an urban fantasy of weird pseudo-witches that tipped me straight into a gritty world of fame, fortune, and finding a name for yourself that I couldn’t help but fall for. I loved the introduction of Nikkeah as a cocky main character soaking up the limelight, his relationships with his siblings, his backstory that slowly unfolds alongside his current-day downfall, and his run-in with a certain Halfsleeper who I look forward to seeing more of in book two.

This version is a revamp, which ripped me from the high of finishing book 3, but oh man was it worth it.

So take a quick trip with me into an urban fantasy with a genderqueer main character, friction between casters and non-casters, tournament gladiator sports, and nefarious covens with ulterior motives.

the back cover

The vengeful vibes of Vicious meet the gritty urban flavors of Arcane in this dreampunk take on adult urban fantasy.

NIKKEAH TARANIS is a Stormcasting superstar.

Having ascended to the lofty rank of champion at Spectrum Stadium, Nikkeah enjoys a life of stardom high above his caster kin. The next step in his conquering the annual Invocation tournament, in which two dozen elite casters pit their magic and wit against each other for the chance at ultimate fame and fortune.

In the days before the tournament, Nikkeah’s magic is sabotaged under suspicious circumstances, trapping him in the threads of a dark plot that dismantles his glamorous life and sets him against his beloved city. Armed with little more than his outrage and wild Stormcasting, Nikkeah charges down the road to retribution. But what he discovers at the end may leave him with more questions than answers.

the characters

Nikkeah is an absolutely amazing main character. A genderqueer he/him Mx. icon who shines on the page even brighter than the first edition from his attitude to his gut-wrenching backstory to his empathy for the other characters he runs into along the way.

Micah’s role as mentor and coach was fleshed out so much more and was handled wonderfully as Nikkeah’s counterbalance. Seeing him care so much for his protégé was honestly heartwarming.

Gahera, Nikkeah’s older sister, is a gem, and I will always love her. We love supportive siblings in this house.

Vision. Oh, Vision, my precious Dreamer, I look forward to seeing more of you in the next releases. (Not me fawning over his page time over here or anything.)

The rest of the cast was balanced wonderfully, and while I’ve left out some key names, they absolutely stand out even sharper in my mind than before. I’m excited to see how vividly they’ll stand out on paper as the next volumes trickle out.

the setting

This was the piece that drew me to the book in the first place. I love urban fantasies that stray from the typical vampires, werewolves, and witches narrative. Honestly, dreampunk—as it’s described by the author—is the best name for it, since it weaves between realities in a world that feels like a futuristic take on Legend of Korra.

You have a bustling city; non-casters being Karens over casters using fire magic to cook their food at fancy restaurants; magical steroid usage in sports matches. It’s all got a touch of familiarity to it with distinctively fantasy elements that cause the right amount of friction for an amazing story.

the plot

The story itself deals with the rise and fall of Nikkeah’s fame through the unraveling of unfortunate tournament events and dips into his past, when he started his training to become a Spectrum champion. But that’s only where things start.

Because that also really heaps on that pressure to win, and when some of Nikkeah’s opponents turn out to have drugs in their systems, it seems like a play of desperation at first. Then things start to domino from potential scandal to scandal until much more ends up on the line.

The shift from Nikkeah’s teenaged flashbacks to his championship to the absolute mess of a situation he’s in during the latter portion of the book is a twisting maze of a mansion. Everything from the past to the present and the characters’ connections were well thought out and illustrated masterfully.

the verdict

Stormbringer was incredibly enjoyable. The pace pushed me through a little quicker than I expected, and even though I already expected most of the twists and turns, it was absolutely worth the re-read with polished prose and grittier details about such a wonderfully different urban fantasy I need more of.

Go add this book to your reading list and nab yourself a copy when it re-releases on February 7th, 2024!

Add on Goodreads

Originally posted Jan 2, 2024 on readwithnox.com.

[crystalelemental]

Okay, just a dev letter, no update, but update almost definitely Monday so we’ll see what the deal is.  Oh man, let’s fucking go lads.

Steven Stone is the trainer lodge unit, which means he is in the Lodge rotation, which means I am spending until he’s 5/5 there.  It’s time.  After all this time, finally he’s ready.  I’m stoked.

They’re going to allow 6* EX pairs to upgrade without changing costume.  This is so transparently the answer to MU and Solgaleo, but honestly I fucking called it.  I said this shit months ago on Reddit, that we’d definitely get the EX for them but there was no guarantee of a costume swap, and look who was right!  The good news is, they reference multiple sync pairs.  Which could, and goddamn better, mean the BP units.  There is no reason for the Master BP units to not have EX, given how otherwise middling they are.  I will EX Mesprit so goddamn fast...

I will state for the record, I fucking love that they’re keeping the mystery element.  There are four sync pairs connected, and we get to know two of them.  First is...Steven Stone.  I said it in a separate post, but god I am living.  “They only give girls alts, it’s gonna be Lillie lol, DeNA just favors waifus.”  Shut your fucking bitch mouths, idiots!  Steven Fucking Stone, first to six alts, suck his magnum dong!  Interestingly, they went with shiny Stoutland.  He’s a tech that “Weakens opponents and powers up allies,” which sounds very akin to Winter Whitney.  The Buddy Move sounds pretty nice, though Atk/Spd are less valuable than if it were both defenses.  But apparently he just gives allies SEUN, and can apply +3 physical moves up next on an ally, and lower the type rebuff of the target’s weakness, so this dude is...why is he not a support again?  No sincerely, it sounds like he doesn’t do a whole lot himself, but he’s really good at supporting someone else’s numbers.

Shauna’s the other, and you know?  I’m down.  I don’t dislike Shauna, but I do dislike her outfit.  This one’s cute.  And her partner is Klefki, which isn’t what I would’ve expected, but it’s a cute partner for a detective event.  Steel-type support, so like...guess I’m getting that one too.  I already kinda love it; each time it attacks, it has Team Stat Leech 9, lowering a random stat on the foe then raising it for the team.  The question is, if it lowers at random in 3v3, then if you hit Atk on one, Sp Atk on another, and Def on the third, does it raise all three for the team?  I’m curious.  She also has a randomized version of Dawn’s Power Siphon for all core stats, and trainer move applies status move defense (kinda mid, just make it condition shield), stat reduction defense, and +2 crit for the team.  So she’s going to be great in Gauntlet, but CS is going to be too inconsistent to work with allies who can’t support their own offensive needs.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.  Okay kids, here we go.  2500 points in Master Mode.  I’m gonna be honest, half the time I don’t even like 2k.  I don’t like a lot of the parameters, I feel like it can be annoying and frustrating for little reason.  And more modern CS has a tendency to already cause problems.  This feels like a little much.  It might be fine, though.  Truth be told, before the 2k meta, I practiced at 2.5k with way worse units, and I handled it fine with far, far fewer tools (context: this was like November 2021, when the biggest names were SC Diantha and Lear; I was using Summer Lyra).  Still, I dunno.  I guess it will depend on the rewards.  It better be Champion Spirits.  I have some needs.  But hey, QoL improvement, we can save and load paramter layouts.  And apparently they’re going to add new options, so maybe the new parameters will be less shit.

Okay, we have confirmation on the new CS mode.  One type will be effective, which is...wild to me.  I’m assuming that means you need five strikers in that type, what a nightmare.  The mode focuses on E4 and Champions from across regions, so I’m assuming this plays like Karen/Grimsley/Sidney meet up as Dark-types and something like Bug-types are effective?  We’ll see.  But I’ve officially abandoned all hope of true joy, as they state there will be only one special sync pair, making an appearance as a champion.  Which...I dunno, man.  I want to twist the words to mean “They’re not usually a champion but they’re like the crowned champion for this event” and say “It’s Psychic types and Caitlin is supreme overlord!”  But Steven just hit six alts which means it’s officially fair game for everyone else so like...it’s probably Cynthia.

New event called Trainer Files.  That’s cool, little mini-stories with characters and-KANTO AGAIN, ARE YOU FUCKING REAL RIGHT NOW?  Goddammit, fucking Kanto, go AWAY

Ugh.  Well that ended on a downer.  But by and large, it sounds pretty fun!  I like the Steven and Shauna alts, I’m really excited about the other two they might bring in, and the new CS mode does sound legitimately fun.  2.5k Master Mode has me a little nervous about F2P clears, but we’ll see how it goes.  And Trainer Files, while focusing on the blight that is Kanto, sounds like it will ultimately scratch my itch for more character-centric stuff.  I’m happy with this update.  Not thrilled.  Not until they confirm a Caitlin alt.  Or Roxanne, actually, I’d kinda settle for either at this point.  In fact...why isn’t Roxanne in this detective event?  She’s smart, she can be like the forensics character.  Maybe in the second half, eh?

[cyarskj1899]

The 50 best songs of 2022

NME5th December 2022

“Bloody hell, it’s nearly Christmas? Well that year just flew by didn’t it?” Hell no. We’d usually be aghast at the fleeting nature at the passage of time at this point in the calendar – especially in the past few quiet years – but 2022 was anything but short. Even festival season already feels like an age ago; but hey, at least we had one. RIP to the COVID buzzkill years, may we never see their like again.

You were out there in the fields with your arms around your mates, in the venues with the pints flying through the air, and in the clubs with your feet suspiciously stuck to the floor. Sure there’s a lot of ongoing shithousery afoot, but when you look back to 2022 you’ll remember getting back to doing what you love and the tunes that helped you do it. Just like you, so many songs were larger than life and raring to get out and be heard. Here’s a definitive list of the 50 best songs that truly made our year. Enjoy….

Andrew Trendell, News Editor

Words by: Alex Flood, Ali Shutler, Andy Brown, Andrew Trendell, Ben Jolley, Derrick Tan, El Hunt, Ella Kemp, Erica Campbell, Gemma Samways, Hannah Mylrea, Hollie Geraghty, Jake Tucker, Jenessa Williams, Karen Gwee, Kyann-Sian Williams, Max Pilley, Nick Levine, Rhian Daly, Sam Moore, Sophie Williams, Thomas Smith and Will Richards

50. Jamie xx – ‘Let’s Do It Again’

Marking his first new solo release in two years, Jamie xx’sApril return coincided with the very start of the first proper post-lockdown summer. Recalling the transcendent highs of his 2015 album ‘In Colour’ and built around an uplifting vocal sample from Bobby Barnes’ soul belter ‘Super High On Your Love’, the dopamine-filled ‘Let’s Do It Again’ became an ecstatic singalong 2022 festival anthem. Welcome back to partying. BJ

Best bit: The clever way that Jamie winds the track back down to a near-silence four-and-half-minutes in, only for each sonic element to be layered up again: building up the claps, drums, twinkling keys and soaring synths before one final euphoric release. You love to see it.

49. Tomorrow X Together – ‘Thursday’s Child Has Far To Go’

This bright, bouncy bop – performed by Tomorrow X Together’s synth-pop unit Soobin, Beomgyu and Taehyun – uplifted spirits with its straightforward, feel-good melodies. The trio exuded positivity and optimism for the future following an emotional break-up, with Beomgyu’s “today’s hashtag: ‘Break up’ / Then paste ‘glow up’ next to it” line proving a stroke of genius. DT

Best bit: Soobin’s breathy post-chorus mantra “I won’t cry again” feels like a reassuring invisible hug.

48. The Killers – ‘Boy’

Brandon Flowers told NME in the summer that this gem provided “the impetus” for The Killers’ 2021 folky triumph‘Pressure Machine’, but was left off the album due to its new wave shimmer. For a leftover, it bangs: ‘Boy’ is The Killers at their sweet, synthy and streetwise best, strutting from the gutter to the dancefloor. AT

Best bit: That little nod to Erasure’s ‘A Little Respect’. Cheeky cheeky!

47. Angel Olsen – ‘All The Good Times’

Olsen’s sixth album ‘Big Time’was written amid a turbulent, tragic time: during its production, the US musician came out to and then lost both her parents in quick succession. Laced with grief and hope for new love, the record’s opening track was as epic and emotional as they come. TS

Best bit: The song’s finale, where Olsen’s gentle strum is joined by a swelling horn section that ratchets up the emotion.

46. TSHA – ‘Giving Up’

A highlight of the Ninja Tune-signee’s debut album ‘Capricorn Sun’, ‘Giving Up’ was TSHA at her very peak. A fizzing drum’n’bass beat paved the way for Mafro’s warped vocal line to run wild and free. A song equally suitable for the club, home listening and summer BBQs, it proved TSHA’s ability as a producer with wide-ranging appeal. WR

Best bit: When that delightful, joyous synth line comes in at the one-minute mark.

45. Foals – ‘2am’

‘Back to basics’ songs can often be seen as a negative regression for artists, but on ‘2am’ and their seventh album ‘Life Is Yours’,Foals simply returned to what they do best. Written in the depths of a lockdown winter, this ecstatic indie hit pined for human connection and getting sloshed with friends again. This summer, its wish came beautifully true. WR

Best bit: Frontman Yannis Philippakis’ vocals belting out as his most enthused in years.

44. LE SSERAFIM – ‘Impurities’

LE SSERAFIM got their band name from an anagram of the phrase “I’m fearless” – so it’s not surprising that they understand that confidence can be drawn from all manner of places. On this cool, ethereal electro R&B song, co-written by member Huh Yunjin, they calmly declared that one’s flaws are actually glorious testaments to life. You’ll be similarly convinced by the track’s sassy hook: “Impurities, show you my impurities.” DT

Best bit: The hypnotic falsetto harmonies – one from Chaewon and Kazuha, another from Yunjin and Sakura – in the pre-chorus.

43. Sunmi – Heart Burn’

Sunmi’s best songs are undeniably the co-productions she’s made with frequent collaborator FRANTS (‘Narcissism’, ‘Tail’). But the ex-Wonder Girl’s dreamy ‘Heart Burn’ – reminiscent of ’70s Fleetwood Mac – ventured out of that comfort zone to rank among her best releases yet. Its flirty lyrics (“I am getting hot, oh, my!”), delivered in her raspy vocal style, matched the growing blaze of a midsummer romance. DT

Best bit: Those heavy-handed guitar strums after the bridge that lead us to the track’s fiery climax.

42. Liam Gallagher – ‘Everything’s Electric’

“Underneath the red sun, everything’s electric,” Liam Gallagher sings on the bold centrepiece of his excellent third solo album, ‘C’mon You Know’. The track certainly lived up to that big declaration, sizzling with classic arms-aloft anthemics and a chorus that was simultaneously simple and life-affirmingly massive. If there were any lingering doubts left about LG’s solo prowess, this song blasted them all away once and for all. RD

Best bit: The helicopter-whirring opening riff that signals that the king of British rock’n’roll is back – and he means serious business.

41. Beabadoobee – ‘The Perfect Pair’

So much of Beabadoobee’scareer has been built on the idea of ripping up the pop rulebook and simply doing what the hell she wants – sugar-sweet vocals would sit alongside screeching guitars to speak to a younger generation that feels stifled. But ‘The Perfect Pair’ changed everything again: a holiday-inflected croon and sighing strings made the backbone of one of Bea’s most restrained tracks yet; a break-up song that accepted defeat and just swayed in abandon. Beautiful. EK

Best bit: The cinematic outro where strings take over and Bea just lets the melody do its thing.

40. Yungblud – ‘The Funeral’

Donny punk tearaway Yungbludstruggled with the worldwide attention that followed his second album ‘Weird!’. But rather than bow to other people’s expectations, he fought back with his defiant self-titled follow-up; its swaggering emo opener ‘The Funeral’ his confident mission statement. Flickering between self-hatred and self-love, this flamboyant rager twisted uncertainty into a jubilant celebration, backed by the sort of guitars that would make The Smiths’ Johnny Marrjealous. AS

Best bit: The Gen-Z motivational speech: “But do you hate yourself? Well, that’s alright. Do you love yourself? Well, that’s alright.”

39. Fontaines D.C. – ‘I Love You’

In a twist no-one saw coming, the most exhilarating love song of 2022 was inspired by a country rather than a person. Billed as Fontaines D.C.’s “first overtly political song”, this swirling post-punk epic saw frontman Grian Chatten interrogate his status as an Irishman based in England, laying bare a perpetual tug-of-war between guilt and pride. Impassioned and deeply affecting, Chatten’s performance here grew steadily in intensity throughout. GS

Best bit: The knockout-punch of the final chorus, which climaxes with Chatten howling: “I had to be the fucking man.”

38. GloRilla and Cardi B – ‘Tomorrow 2’

GloRilla’s immense talent was clear to see on her July single ‘Tomorrow’ – so much so that the Memphis artist quickly earned a fan in rap superstar Cardi B, who hopped on the September remix ‘Tomorrow 2’. The latter was a belter: the duo demonstrated their respective lyrical prowess over sparse, piano-led accompaniment. Best of all, it provided an early glimpse at rap’s next massive star more than keeping up with one of the reigning champs. HM

Best bit: GloRilla’s stellar put-down: “Can’t say your name up in my songs, might not fuck with you tomorrow.” Can’t say she didn’t warn you!

37. Måneskin – ‘The Loneliest’

After winning Eurovision 2021 with the hammering ‘Zitti e Buoni’, the new saviours of rock’n’roll kept the party going with such stadium-sized anthems as ‘Mammamia’ and ‘Supermodel’. Then came ‘The Loneliest’, a brooding ballad that saw the Italian four-piece trade fiery excess for heartbreaking emotion. Despite the restraint that was plastered across Måneskin’s first English language slow jam, ‘The Loneliest’ still bristled with excitement as the rockstars let another side of them shine. AS

Best bit: That guitar solo: let them Italians wail.

36. Gorillaz – ‘New Gold’

In the midst of this year’s scorcher of a summer, Gorillazappeared like a mirage to deliver another legendary collaboration. ‘New Gold’ served up a deliciously psychedelic hook from Tame Impala, while The Pharcyde’s Bootie Brown – who Gorillaz fans recognised from his explosive verse on ‘Dirty Harry’ – spun a bouncy tale of a vain society in freefall. 2022’s best weather may be long behind us, but ‘New Gold’ was a warm ray of sunshine to remember it by.AB

Best bit: Bootie Brown’s second verse, which is packed with throwbacks to ‘Demon Days’.

35. Fred again.. – ‘Danielle (smile on my face)’

Built around a sample of 070 Shake’s 2019 single ‘Nice To Have’ – a tune that Fred Gibson said he “literally listened to every day last year… everywhere, all the time” – ‘Danielle (smile on my face)’ is a classic Fred again.. creation. Emotive lyrics (“Fuck what they say, I’m safe in your arms / And if I die in your arms, there’ll be a smile on my face”), wobbly, bass-driven synths and bombastic beats united as one to form one of 2022’s most tear-jerking bangers. SM

Best bit: When the synths and beats crackle back into life, sparking one last rave in the track’s ecstatic final minute.

34. Wunderhorse – ‘Leader of The Pack’

2022’s best rock song? Wunderhorse, AKA Cornwall-based Pistol actor Jacob Slater, put up a very good fight with the brooding, snarling ‘Leader Of The Pack’. Chugging guitars, crashing drums and gang chorus vocals turned every listen into a rock’n’roll hoedown, with Slater having written the song “as a means of getting even”. Mission accomplished, surely. SM

Best bit: That crunching opening riff: beat that, 2023.

33. Tove Lo – ‘No One Dies From Love’

Tove Lo’s fifth album ‘Dirt Femme’ was packed full of effervescent earworms, but none more so than its jubilant opener ‘No One Dies From Love’. Written when she “was having the fear of ‘What if this love that I have ends?’”, the Swede spun that relatable vulnerability over squelchy synths, driving beats and ‘80s drums. The result? Very real emotions coupled with a sugar-rush instrumental. HM

Best bit: The euphoric, layered vocals that open the first chorus, where Tove belts out: “No one dies from love / Guess I’ll be the first.”

32. FLO – ‘Cardboard Box’

If there was ever any doubt about the current state of UK R&B, then the country’s next best girl band quickly put those suspicions to bed in 2022 with their glistening debut single. A flawlessly synchronised and perfectly-poised track about cutting off a toxic relationship, the London trio’s harmonies and satin-smooth melodies served as a glossy throwback to the golden age of early-00s female empowerment (see: Destiny’s Child and Sugababes). A flow like this is no fluke. HG

Best bit: The sassy bridge that makes you want to waggle a finger and pack up your own cardboard box: “I’ma put your jeans next to the dreams that you sold me.”

31. Piri and Tommy – ‘On & On’

The drum’n’bass-loving Manchester duo are now making scene-leading pop-meets-dance music to soundtrack the kind of wild nights out they used to enjoy as clubbers. “Big night, lost my weed but the beat goes on,” Piri serenely sang while impressively keeping pace with the unrelenting Tommy-produced drums that helped ‘On & On’ truly zip along. SM

Best bit: Piri’s “on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on” will be stuck in your head forever. Sorry!

30. IVE – ‘Love Dive’

Looking back on K-pop in 2022, it’s been the year of rookie girl groups punching far above their weight. Case in point: IVE and their sophisticated seduction anthem ‘Love Dive’. This slice of alluring electro-pop reels you back in again and again, whether it’s to savour the confident, flirtatious lyrics and gorgeous backing melodies, or to pick up on all the sonic flourishes studding the production like diamonds in the rough. KG

Best bit: Wonyoung’s line “Narcissistic, my god, I love it” – knowingly cheeky and delicious every time.

29. The 1975 – ‘Part Of The Band’

Distortion, ambient noise, stream of conscious neurosis, and Matty Healy spilling out the melodic interrogations, “Am I ironically woke? The butt of my joke? Or am I just some post-coke, average, skinny bloke?” this track had it all. ‘Part Of The Band’’sstrong suit was that it’s quieter and more subtle than many of their tracks, but it’s still quintessentially The 1975. With dry, wry millennial humour and apt observations standing, the result will always reward a careful listener. EC

Best bit: The cheeky line, “I like my men like I like my coffee / Full of soy milk and so sweet, it won’t offend anybody“. Same.

28. Bring Me The Horizon – ‘Strangers’

From the moment Bring Medropped ‘Strangers’ during a DJ set at their curated Malta Weekender festival, it became a modern day emo anthem. From the melodramatic opening lines (“Maybe I’ll just be fucked up forever”) through to the snarling angst and a gooey spirit of community that rages throughout. Get together, get low and feel the high. AS

Best bit: That ‘90s nostalgia dragged into 2022

27. Oliver Sim – ‘Hideous’

“I’m ugly…” sang Oliver Sim on the opening moments of ‘Hideous’, his immediately recognisable deep vocal finding a new home outside of The xxfor the first time. An intensely beautiful song that tears the sting out of shame, its subject matter is deeply personal, and rooted in the singer’s HIV-positive status. Here, Sim found freedom in “radical honesty” and power in baring every part of himself – even the aspects that he said feel hideous and hidden. EH

Best bit: The transcendent moment that Jimmy Somerville of Bronski Beats bursts as an ethereal guardian angel.

26. New Jeans – ‘Hype Boy’

In a time where lots of pop groups feel like they’re chasing the same sounds, styles and attitudes, K-pop rookies NewJeans’ debut provided a refreshing change of pace. ‘Hype Boy’, their second release, was the jewel in their crown – its flashes of ‘90s R&B melded with modern pop production an immediately addictive combination, and a chorus so cool and catchy you had no choice but to join the rising four-piece in longing for their “hype boy”. RD

Best bit: Any time the girls sing “take him to the sky-y-y-y-y-y”, an instant skyrocketing high.

25. Omar Apollo – ‘Evergreen’

In October, pop music’s best-kept secret finally broke into the mainstream: Omar Apolloscored his first-ever chart hit with ‘Evergreen’, a ballad of crisp, measured guitar and purposefully subtle drum patterns. This quietly scathing breakup tune built up to a lover walking away and refusing to allow their turned back to become the relationship’s final scene – a change in perspective that became its own kind of revelation. SW

Best bit: Clearly, Apollo wanted an ex to feel the sheer magnitude of his pain. “You didn’t deserve me at all”, he belts out on the bridge, his delivery reaching a near-scream. You tell ‘em, king!

24. Arctic Monkeys – ‘Body Paint’

Let’s be honest, every song onArctic Monkeys’ triumphant seventh record ‘The Car’ might have made this list – but that wouldn’t be fair, would it? We’ll take Alex Turner’s velvet-smooth croon and the accompanying killer chorus on this track anyday. “My teeth are beating and my knees are weak,” he sings in falsetto as ‘Body Paint’ builds to its utterly euphoric ELO-esque orchestral pop breakdown. Same, Alex. Same. AF

Best bit: The anthemic outro, featuring squealing guitars and the repeated refrain: “There’s still a trace of body paint / On your legs and on your arms and on your face.”

23. My Chemical Romance – ‘The Foundations of Decay’

With ‘The Foundations of Decay’, My Chemical Romance’sfiery comeback exceeded every current or ageing emo kid’s wildest dreams. The six-minute triumph starts off as a simmering ballad to atrophy, with a subdued Gerard Waysinging a of a man “tired with age” and ravaged by time – yet when the track finally explodes in rousing choruses, thundering guitar riffs and a gut-punch breakdown, it proves the legendary band was anything but. AB

Best bit: The first explosive chorus – a shot of pure catharsis for fans who waited nine years for that moment.

22. Florence and The Machine – ‘King’

There’s power in how Florence Welch stood tall and fearless in the face of the patriarchy on ‘King’. She has always strung lyrics together like armour, but this remarkable track felt designed to protect herself from the expectation that she should compromise her career in order to raise children. She narrated her experience, and reclaimed it – a revolt against the very idea of doing what you’re told. SW

Best bit: When Welch breaks into an almighty roar; you can picture her throwing out her arms and letting her hair flutter out in the wind alongside a phenomenal, gale-force vocal.

21. WILLOW – ‘Hover Like A Goddess’

Fresh from helping kickstart a pop-punk revival with 2021’s ‘lately i feel EVERYTHING’, the lead single to follow-up record ‘COPINGMECHANISM’ saw Willow trading angst for romance. Driven by an excitable energy, this urgent garage-punk banger celebrated the fact that “every woman deserves to be worshipped”. ‘Hover Like A Goddess’ may channel Bloc Party and The Strokes, but it saw Willow cut party-starting rock’n’roll with her own unique vision. AS

Best bit: Willow embracing the art of a good “oh-ohhh, oh-ohhh”.

20. Beyoncé – ‘Break My Soul’

The first glimpse we got of Beyoncé’s seventh album ‘Renaissance’, ‘Break My Soul’ was a tantalising taster of slick production, massive hooks and beats made straight for the dancefloor. With dual samples of Big Freedia’s ‘Explode’ and Robin S.‘s ’90s classic ‘Show Me Love’, and packed with lyrics that preach self-confidence and joy, ‘Break My Soul’ landed as a modern house classic. HM

Best bit:��The sample of Big Freedia’s ‘Explode’, that instructs you to “release ya job… release the stress“. Who are we to disagree?

19. Rosalía – ‘Chicken Teriyaki’

The purity, simplicity, silliness and badassery of this cut from the stellar ‘Motomami’ is a testament to Rosalia’s knack for a hook and a good time. We don’t know what the Spanish pop sensation is singing about and frankly, it doesn’t matter. Throw your phrase book away and let this chugging beast of Latin spirit and reggaeton rhythms consume you. AT

Best bit: Telling your friends that you’re now fluent in Spanish and fiesta

18. Griff & Sigrid – ‘Head On Fire’

Teased via a series of cryptic videos posted on social media, this chart-ready team-up between two of music’s most exciting young talents was as rock-solid as their friendship. When they performed the tune at the BandLab NME Awards 2022 in March, it made for a standout moment – and a triumphant victory lap round one of the country’s greatest gig venues. More, please! AF

Best bit: A short pause for breath before launching into that joyful chorus. Set your watch for a good time.

17. Taylor Swift – ‘Anti-Hero’

The lead single from Swift’s 10th album ‘Midnights’, ‘Anti-Hero’ proved a self-deprecating anthem. Delivering tongue-in-cheek lines over Jack Antonoff’s production (the chorus opener “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me” has spawned scores of memes), the songwriter extraordinaire has done what she does best: turn painfully relatable experiences into a stone-cold banger. HM

Best bit: Love it or hate it, it’s got to be the line that got everyone talking: “Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby/And I’m a monster on the hill“…same?

16. Phoenix – ‘Tonight’

As much as the band’s seventh album ‘Alpha Zulu’ pushed the indie-pop masters’ sound forward, its standout moment happened to be a dabble in nostalgia. The deliciously catchy bassline and chorus would have nestled in nicely on their 2009 breakthrough album ‘Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix’, as frontman Thomas Mars and Vampire Weekend’s Ezra Koenig wistfully duet. TS

Best bit: The band told NMEthey’ve always felt a synchronicity with Vampire Weekend, and consider them transatlantic cousins. The song’s middle-eight, where Koenig and Mars trade lines, finds the pair in perfect harmony.

15. Doechii – ‘Persuasive’

The latest signing to the star-making Top Dawg Entertainment, Doechii has opted for a meticulous, patient roll-out where so many other artists rush to ride their early momentum. She already feels like a fully-formed artist bursting with complex visual ideas and diverse musical directions. To be fair, every track feels standout – but the house-tinged ‘Persuasive’ just about nabs the top spot. No wonderSZA jumped aboard for the equally addictive remix. EH

Best bit: When soulful brass gradually creeps into the ether two-thirds of the way through, steadily building up the biggest drop. That, and the abundant air-horns.

14. Kendrick Lamar – ‘N95’

A highlight of ‘Mr Morale & The Big Steppers’, here’s Kendrick Lamar delivering an anti-pop gem with a message to “take off” the fakery and stop looking for external validation. In a lesson to other rappers, Lamar spits for morals rather than boasting over distorted, growling 808s and trap synths. With a dextrous flow and words you can’t ignore, this is why Kendrick is king. KSW

Best bit: In the refrain, the explosive “Bitch…” before the whining response “…you’re outta pocket” makes for a perfect wake-up call.

13. Wet Leg – ‘Angelica’

Indie’s silliest and most fun new gang took us into the highs and lows, dangers and consequences of getting pickled at a house party in one of the standout tracks of their phenomenal debut album. With spiralling riffs, ray-gun sound effects, and a multi-layered central mantra of “good times all the time”, ‘Angelica’ cemented Wet Leg’s place as our new favourite relatable party pals. RD

Best bit: The delectably eye-rolled lines “I don’t wanna follow you on the ‘gram / I don’t wanna listen to your band.”

12. Maggie Rogers – ‘That’s Where I Am’

Coloured with optimism, this track was fuelled by the sense of autonomy that defined Maggie Rogers’ comeback this year. With new production credits and a Harvard Divinity School degree to her name, Rogers created a wild symphony of rebirth on ‘That’s Where I Am’, as she sang of a blossoming love atop ripples of distortion and gleaming keys. It was the sound of Rogers feeling something shift inside of her, and wondering where this new, beautiful thing even came from. SW

Best bit: The giddy relish of the way Rogers delivers the bridge – “You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted / All I ever really wanted was you” – channelling a feeling far beyond her own understanding.

11. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – ‘Wolf’

“Hunger, connection, and wildness” were the words YYY’sKaren O used to describe ‘Wolf’ – a climbing, synth-laden track that keeps its lyrics sparse, embodying the primal nature of not only punk but the track itself. “I’m lost and I’m lonely / I hunger for you only / Don’t leave me now, don’t break the spell,” warned O in a sinister tone, right before the instrumental drop and powerful chorus. It’s a bold glance at the primitive side of human nature from a band able to hold the weight of a song this big. EC

Best bit: O gently singing, “In heaven lost my taste for hello / taste for hell”, before a full orchestra kicks in with urgent strings. Powerful stuff.

10. Megan Thee Stallion – ‘Plan B’

While serving ‘90s New York style hip-hop raunchiness, Megreminded the world of her immaculate lyricism with this declaration of self-love. Teaching women to “love yourself ‘cause this shit can get ugly / That’s why it’s ‘Fuck n****s, get money,’” this is confidence manifest. Just like Lil Kim and Foxy Brown, she stepped into her sex appeal without relying on it to prove naysayers wrong. One-dimensional? Get a grip. This is everything. ‘Plan B’ is Megan Thee Stallion delivering a layered and positive lesson for life. KSW

Best bit: All the candid, empowering quips in a masterclass from Meg.

9. Charli XCX – ‘Beg For You’

A collab between two of the UK pop’s finest, ‘Beg For You’ was always going to be something special. However, chuck in a killer sample – lifted from September’s 2005 hit ‘Cry For You’ – and you’ve got magic on your hands. Rina’s vocals and harmonies feel so essential, you pine for more of her on Charli’sfifth album ‘Crash’, but that’s what you get from top maestros on top of their game. ‘Beg For You’ may have dropped in January, but it was a clear and bold proclamation from Charli and Rina that 2022 would be their year. JT

Best bit: The September sample truly makes the song, but everything comes together for the first chorus.

8. Jockstrap – ‘Concrete Over Water’

‘Concrete Over Water’ presented the Jockstrap musical blueprint in miniature: the poise of Georgia Ellery’s pristine, ravishing vocals, torn asunder by the anarchic hand of producer Taylor Skye. The song sings of the impossible beauty of a bridge-top romantic rendezvous, but Skye scorches the scene with a mutant synth army of math-rock screeches and warped atmospherics. Were Ellery and Skye competing for supremacy? Nah, in this fight we all win. MP

Best bit: Ellery sings “I wanna be there” before the elegiac beauty of the opening caves to hyper-processed mania

7. Steve Lacy – ‘Bad Habit’

Steve Lacy’s first US Number One single felt long overdue. ‘Bad Habit’, taken from the 24-year-old LA artist’s second solo album ‘Gemini Rights’, was the song that propelled the Internet and Kendrick Lamar collaborator to the big time; no doubt aided on its journey to the very top by its massive popularity on TikTok. Showcasing Lacy’s impressive vocal range, his nifty way around a guitar and his tattoo-worthy lyrics (“You can’t surprise a Gemini”), the single has unsurprisingly become Lacy’s biggest hit to date. After all, some bad habits are just too good to kick. SM

Best bit: “It’s biscuits, it’s gravy, babe” – the most delicious lyric of the year?

6. Rina Sawayama – ‘This Hell’

Sawayama is one of the smartest pop stars we have, and ‘This Hell’ is her wittiest and most undeniable tune yet. Who else would think to eviscerate the anti-queer rhetoric spouted by extreme religious groups with a spangly country banger inspired by Shania Twain? Rina, that’s who! And with a belter that’s tongue-in-cheek and subversive, but also outrageously good fun. NL

Best bit: “Get in line, pass the wine, bitch / We’re going straight to hell!”

5. Arctic Monkeys – ‘There’d Better Be A Mirrorball’

After the space-age dabblings on 2018’s ‘Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino’, Arctic Monkeys returned to Earth on the heavenly and lush launch single from seventh album ‘The Car’. Known for being cheeky in his early work to escapist in his latter days, Alex Turner came across as truly earnest, open, romantic and human for the first time on this slow-dance waltzing beauty. “Don’t get emotional, that ain’t like you,” croons the frontman, inviting us in. It’s the Monkeys, Jim, but not as you know them. AT

Best bit: “So do you wanna walk me to the caaaa-aaaar?” You drive on ahead, Alex – we’ll float there.

4. Eliza Rose & Interplanetary Criminal – ‘B.O.T.A. (Baddest Of Them All)’

The summer’s ultimate rave anthem. First released in early June with modest ambitions, it soon became a hit as welcome blaring out of stadium PAs and spicing up ITV2 montages as it did in the festival fields and clubs. By early September, the ‘90s-indebted hit had climbed to Number One in the UK Singles Charts, capping off a spectacular rise. TS

Best bit: The opening melody, a delightfully simple and catchy hook that floats all the way to the song’s conclusion.

3. Harry Styles – ‘As It Was’

It’s hard not to tumble into the vast emotional depths of ‘As It Was’ and look beyond everything else that made this song such a triumph. Change is a constant beneath the track’s heart-raising BPM and twinkling melodies: here, Harry Styles’empathetic songwriting saw him fight for stability amid breakups and personal upheavals, finding strength in a renewed relationship with himself. It’s a quietly beautiful thing, then, that it became his biggest hit to date, proving that opening yourself up to the world doesn’t always have to be a risk. SW

Best bit: So much of the feeling is in the instrumental: some peppy guitar lines, and the crescendo of tubular bells, less of a breakdown than the sound of a heart skipping a beat.

2. Paramore – ‘This Is Why’

After five years, Paramore slid back in with a groove so heavy, swaggering and sleazy, any talk of hiatus was immediately forgotten (not that they’d care, as Hayley Williams croons sweetly at the start, “if you have an opinion / maybe you should shove it”). Her voice is equally exhausted and exhilarated, leaning into its full power as guitarist Taylor York and drummer Zac Farro somehow manage to play tight and loose simultaneously. With its slow crawling synth and cymbals eventually erupting into a full funk fest, ‘This Is Why’ gave us just what we wanted: an innovative pop-punk moment from a band already responsible for so many. EC

Best bit: Williams repeating “One step beyond your door / Might as well have been a free fall” meditatively before crashing back in with an echoing “And I’m floating like a cannonball”. Chills.

1. Beyoncé – ‘Cuff It’

Beyoncé is of course no stranger to creating enduring anthems. From ‘90s R&B belters with Destiny’s Child (‘Independent Woman’, ‘Say My Name’ to ‘00s earworms (‘Crazy In Love’, ‘Irreplaceable’), powerhouse ballads (‘Halo’), to the poignant and political (‘Formation’), the superstar is responsible for smashes eternally etched into the public pshyche than most artists could even dare to dream of. And in 2022, ‘Cuff It’ joined these ranks.

Taken from Beyoncé’s brilliant seventh album ‘Renaissance’, this funk-laden earworm is a triumph. With a Grammy nomination (for Best R&B Song) and a viral TikTok dance, it should be a government mandated requirement for this celebration of letting loose, falling in love and “gettin’ fucked up” to be played at least once on all future nights out. Keir Starmer, shove this in your manifesto.

With a bridge bigger than the Golden Gate, slinky strings, NSFW saucy lyrics, and the disco flare that a Nile Rodgersassist always brings, ‘Cuff It’ is total ecstasy and an unexpected gift to the pop canon of all time, let alone 2022. HM

Best bit: The first time we get that joyous post-chorus and Beyoncé sings: “Bet you you’ll see far / Bet you you’ll see stars.” Floor-filling euphoria.

Sent from my iPhone

[pigs-in-art]

Ipswich Pigs Gone Wild 2016 - 03. Pretty Penny by Karen Roe Via Flickr: Pretty Penny can best be described as ‘fabulous’ - this glamorous pig can be found practising her poses on the ‘hog walk’ or trotting away to her favourite tunes. Painted by Norfolk artist, Mik Richardson, Pretty Penny celebrates Suffolk and features Ipswich Building Society’s history from 1849 to the present day. She also incorporates elements of financial education, with shops and coins, and has an accompanying fun worksheet for children to complete. 

Artist:  Mik Richardson Sponsor: Ipswich Building Society 

[myaquariusheart]

You by Caroline Kepnes

Joe Goldberg, what a man. So I'm going to write about my feelings about the book and some comparisons with the series. You made me obsessed with a series that have inner monologues that narrate the show. I think it's best when you can see the character acting and also hear what they're thinking. It makes you understand their decisions and reasoning for certain actions and why they do what they do. Chapter 1 is a classic opening and it's amazing I can't fault it, it's when he first sees Beck and I know this may be tapped but I wonder if any guy thinks about me like that with our interactions. You can see already how fascinated he is with her and I love how he talks to her in his head, it's sweet but of course, meant to come across as creepy. In the book, I find it more realistic how Beck and Joe's relationship is rocky and they're not together as much as they were in the series. I think the book really shows how emotionally unavailable Back really was and how Joe is obsessed with her, he literally dealt with her absence well for someone whos a psycho. Also, what's up with Beck and emails? Who even emails. I don't understand why that was even a thing and was even a character trait of hers. She's obsessed with posting things online yet she rarely texts anyone. Anyway Beck is a loser and she wasn't that interesting anyway but maybe I'm being a hater because Love was my favorite love interest of Joe's. Joe was more harsh and scary in the book, even though I was imagining Penn the whole time it was kinda hard for me to read half the stuff he was saying. The sexual element was exciting but also too much at times but its Joe's thoughts and I found them funny and scary at the same time. I wonder what book Joe looks like because there wasn't too much description of what he looked like but I wish there was some sort of description of him. Penn is the perfect Joe but I wonder who else could fit the role? I just know he's handsome and it's acknowledged a lot in the book by others. He did bag Beck and Amy and omg how could I forget Karen MINTY? I loved Karen from the series but I also enjoyed her in the book too. She had a lot of character and was less sweet and wholesome than the series Karen. Book Karen was wild, the complete opposite of Joe and Beck. She was cool and he spoke of her disgustingly tbh. Benji I don't care too much for him, I never have for me he's irrelevant but I get why he's there. Everyone has a Benji. The guy who lies and manipulates the relationship when he doesn't even give a shit about you really. It made her more human and relatable to have a Benji. Nicky was also so much more interesting in the book. In the series, I didn't understand Joe's hate for him that much and didn't understand who Nicky was. I loved when Joe had access to the tapes and he read them all, it allowed me to understand his and Becks' relationship so much more because in the series it was a bit random and just plopped there and it never made sense to me how they even started to like each other. There was also a few chapters where Joe was following Nicky, seeing how he lived, and even tried to kill him but he was saved because Beck messaged Joe. I love those chapters too because it just shows how disgusting Joe is and is literally using his spare time, energy, and life to follow a man who doesn't even know the real him. I also loved the chapters when Beck was in the cage. You get convinced that he might actually let her out of the cage and they could be happy together but of course, as anyone would do Beck tried to escape. Her death was a bit traumatising. One minute this guy crying because he thinks he accidentally killed her and then he does it for real and is super angry. Not to forget he literally shoved book pages down her throat like why Joe. Wasnt choking her enough what was the need. He's so entitled as well but good for him for having self-respect I guess. I found the chapter where Beck finds the 'Box' underwhelming as hell. In the series it was so suspenseful and scary.

[bell-y-aches]

Rating book/story concepts i’ve had over the years

Some are pretty wild. I’ll include any major tropes, but will be judging out of 10 on general plot.

The Eyes- a sci-fi type world with elemental and psychic powers. General “we have to defeat the guy in charge and bring back a new ruler who’s better so the magic people don’t die” plot. Main character is brunette and falls in love with a guy, who *spoilers* dies, but she brings him back to life. Desert planet with rugged rebels. Points for being a NaNoWriMo project I actually finished and for having a blind character.  7.5/10

Manufactured Metal- This one kinda sucks, but alot of ya books suck so it’s fine. Earth has been broken up into different major countries. Robots are used to as the main form of work until higher costs of getting the special batteries for them from other planets, leads to making test tube/orphan baby cyborgs slaves...most are women for some reason. There’s a “my mom bought you to be one of my escorts/concubines but instead I’m falling in love with you so I fired all the other women and I know your insecure but your safe here...oh oops I got you pregnant sorry” trope. Gets points for healthy friend relationships, strong female leads, angry females, dad+ lost daughter trope. Loses points for ethical reasons, though if this was a real book 10 years ago you’d read the back of it, don’t lie. Also it’s completely conceptual and unwritten.  6/10 

Marked- Only a couple chapters of this one but I like it. About a dystopian world (at least I stick to my themes) where people are born with marks on their wrists as a symbol of their future/careers/ect. People born with Hearts caused alot of trouble years ago and so now they are given new marks (think like the faces in uglies) or killed. It’s alot like Giver in concept. MC Karen was supposed to not turn herself in, but she does and gets a new mark and starts to forget her old life. Very unfinished but a couple chapters are up on my Wattpad....uh I could share that maybe another time. 8/10

Raven- A paranormal slice of life about 5 kids who, because of a genetic experiment their parents participated in, have powers and all are named after birds (wren, jay ect.). Emily and James are normal and each in love with a sibling. Idk what the plot was lol. 7.5/10

okay thanks for reading.

[kidskingdomgo]

Teaching Core Skills Through Culturally Responsive Project-Based Learning

We, like many instructors, have high expectations for our students to participate in culturally relevant projects, establish community, and apply their learning in a real-world setting. We had students work on a single project last year that aimed to achieve all three of these objectives.

Our students used hydroponics to cultivate herbs for dumplings over the course of eight weeks. Why are dumplings used? This food is found and adored in civilizations all over the world when defined broadly as "dough that encases a filling" or "dough that lays on top of a filling." As a result, our project recognized our kids' variety and provided opportunities for cross-cultural dialogue.

Also Read: Playschool in Sohana Road Gurugram

Our school is in Winooski, Vermont, which has a population of barely 8,000 people yet is the most densely populated and culturally varied city in northern New England. The district has pupils from 25 different nationalities speaking 19 different languages, including but not limited to English, Nepali, Swahili, Vietnamese, Karen, Somali, Mai Mai, and Arabic. Last year, our 40 sixth graders represented the majority of these cultures and languages.

A grant from the Gund Institute for Environment at the University of Vermont supported the study, which entailed close collaboration with three faculty members: Dr. Eric Roy, Dr. Leon Walls, and Tricia Brown.

FEATURES OF THE PROJECT

We began by asking students to observe and speculate on a "heat map" of expected world food production in 2050. Students' observations aided in framing the hydroponics project as a local answer to a global challenge. But why cultivate food? What could we do with it? Dumplings, anyone? As a result, we launched a challenge for students to cultivate herbs for the Great International Dumpling Challenge, a friendly competition in which students employed rates and ratios to create the most delicious dumplings with cilantro, basil, and parsley.

Student ownership ran throughout the initiative, from students identifying and caring for their plants to selecting their own dumpling recipe.

Every week, students measured the heights of their plants, and they came in during lunch and passing periods to show their friends their herbs. The plants were a hit at family gatherings, and several students offered their seeds to non-science classmates.

In arithmetic, student ownership was also an element of the cooking process. Many students choose a dumpling dish from their family's culture, such as samosas, momos, potstickers, perogies, and empanadas. One kid requested a family dish from her Bosnian grandma.

Students devised experiments to study how light manipulation affected the development of parsley, basil, and cilantro.

Also Check: Preschool in JVC

A side effect was that the purple lights, massive herbs, and sinuous root systems changed the atmosphere of the learning area. Planting seeds, assessing plant growth, and gently clipping the plants all required students to get their hands dirty.

The aromas of herbs filled our rooms as they grew and when students sliced them to prepare for cooking. We also loved the delightful fragrances and flavors of dumplings.

A FESTIVAL OF DIVERSITY AND COMMUNITY

"Food is not just fuel," author and journalist Michael Pollan once said. Food represents community and identity. And when we eat well, we nourish all of those things." Pollan's remarks perfectly represent our project experiences. Family members stepped in to assist with the cooking. Our pupils learnt about and enjoyed cuisines from diverse cultures, allowing for the strengthening and expansion of bonds between students and adults.

Students consuming

Andrew Wild provided the images.

Even if your school doesn't have a lot of cultural diversity, cuisine (particularly dumplings!) can be a terrific way to learn about different cultures and develop community.

To strengthen neighborhood relationships, our school district's cultural liaisons served as judges and taste testers at a final event when we also sampled all of the dumplings.

The winning team prepared vegetarian Nepali momos and won a cabbage as a trophy. When a chant of "Eat it! Eat it!" erupted, a beloved student bit into the raw vegetable on behalf of the victorious squad, causing the entire crowd to burst out laughing.

RIGOR

All of our dumplings were vegetarian, but we made certain that the "meat" of standards-aligned math and science content and abilities was central to the project, which aligns with author and national education consultant Zaretta Hammond's concept of culturally responsive teaching. In particular, we aimed to "improve the learning ability of diverse kids who have been educationally excluded," in the words of Hammond.

Every week, students measured the heights of their plants. They calculated the mean, median, and mode of these measures in math and then "gave them back" to science class, where trends were investigated and herb growth under various conditions was compared.

Students increased their analytical skills and gained independence as scientists, mathematicians, and cooks with each passing week. Dumpling recipes were reviewed for the greatest taste ratios. Ingredient costs were computed using unit rates, and each dumpling had its own unit price.

REFLECTION

Our students performed a reflection similar to KQED's Engineering for Good curriculum to conclude the project. Zulie described the project as "soooooo awesome." It influenced me to become an environmentalist."

Whatever students felt about the Great International Dumpling Challenge, we doubt they will forget the towering aromatic herbs, delectable international food, and sense of camaraderie and connection. This year, we hope to improve the initiative and expand the integration of different views to English and social studies.

[greenreticule]

An evolution of Bail Organa and Dexter Jettster’s relationship

Though Legends canon, the evolution of the dynamic between Obi-Wan, Bail, and Dexter Jettster in Karen Miller's work carry implications for the canon Smuggler's Guide and the Obi-Wan Kenobi show

Starting with Miller's novel Wild Space: Obi-Wan displays immense trust in Dex, believing his word against all other evidence and advice (including that of the Jedi), much like he did in Attack of the Clones.

"Master Jedi, our records are very thorough,” the [Jedi Archive] droid said. If it were human, Obi-Wan thought it would have sounded miffed at the suggestion that it hadn’t checked everything the first time. “If I can't tell you where it came from, nobody can."

Obi-Wan looked at the dart. Nobody can? Hmm. I wonder... “Thank you for your assistance,” he told the droid as he pocketed the dart. He turned away and said, half to himself, “I know who can identify this." (Attack of the Clones Junior Novel)

Jocasta Nu: "I hate to say it, but it looks like the system [Dexter Jettster described] doesn't exist." Obi-Wan: "That's impossible. Perhaps the Archives are incomplete." Obi-Wan to Yoda: "I'm looking for a planet described to me by an old friend. I trust him, but the system doesn't show up on the Archive maps." Attack of the Clones

"I trust Dex implicitly... [and] if you are suggesting that Dex would betray me, I must respectfully disagree. The Jedi have no greater friend." - Obi-Wan Kenobi (Wild Space, by Miller)

This deep and earned trust between Dexter Jettster and Obi-Wan is reflected in how they both refer to the source of Dex's essential intel in Wild Space. Trust is trust, and it's the currency of information and a critical element in their friendship.

“Dex, are you sure about this?”

“My source is,” said Dex. “And she’s not new at this game.”

“And you trust her?” Which was a polite way of asking, Is she a liar?

Dex’s hands clenched. “I trust her.”

So. Not a liar. He didn’t bother asking for the source’s name. He and Dex might be friends, but the Besalisk was fiercely protective of the beings who fed them their dribs and drabs of information. What you don’t know, you can’t tell, was his stubborn motto.

This is contrasted with the rocky start to Bail Organa and Obi-Wan's relationship in Wild Space. Obi-Wan flatly refuses to take Bail at his word and actively presses to know the senator's source, something he would never do to Dex.

What if the Council didn’t believe it? What if Dex’s lack of specific detail meant they discarded the information of unreliable? Would they demand that he return to his friend and pressure him until his source was revealed?

Please, no. Not that. I couldn’t do it. I’d be betraying him. Please let them trust me. Let them not ask me to do that.

Wild Space cements the trust between Obi-Wan and Bail, which results in an interesting role switch for Dexter Jettster in Miller’s following novel: Gambit: Stealth.

When Obi-Wan and Bail Organa attempt to scold Anakin for letting Ahsoka in on classified information, Anakin reminds Obi-Wan how much he relies on Dex. Obi-Wan easily relents and defends both Ahsoka's and Dex's character to Bail.

“Don’t you think of questioning Ahsoka’s loyalty, Senator,” said Anakin. “I trust her with my life.” He turned to Obi-Wan. “And you can’t talk, either. If Dex wasn't offworld we both know he'd be sniffing out whatever he could find on Lanteeb for you."

"That's true, Bail,” Obi-Wan admitted. “I did try to enlist Dex's help.”

Now Bail was staring daggers at Obi-Wan. “What? Obi-Wan, I thought--”

“Sorry,” said Obi-Wan, his expression rueful. “But like Ahsoka, Dex’s loyalty is beyond question. And he has ways of finding things out that make our Republic Intelligence look like amateur hour. Believe me, it’s a great pity he’s not here."

(Gambit:Stealth by Miller)

Dex has become the third party source that Bail is wary of trusting, and it's Obi-Wan who exerts his trust of Dex to ease Bail's concerns, much like Dex asserting the trust of his unnamed source in Wild Space.

Karen Miller's work sets up the trust between Obi-Wan and Bail that would be critical to their and the Skywalker twins' survival in the Imperial Era. I can't help thinking that the trust Obi-Wan expresses in Dex gives Bail a much-needed ally in the dark times.

In early Imperial Era Legends timeline, Obi-Wan does connect an ally with Dex, who becomes a critical source of intel to the burgeoning Rebellion, which includes Bail Organa in the series The Last of the Jedi. But canon might have something even more direct.

In The Smuggler's Guide, Dex mentions having a "buddy" in the Imperial senate. "One of the good ones," Dex calls them. Of course, there were multiple senators who were in the Rebellion. And more than one senator aid utilized Dex's Diner for food and intel.

But the evolution of Bail and Obi-Wan's friendship in Miller's work, contrasted with the established trust between Obi-Wan and Dex, gives us a connective Legends thread that suggests Bail is Dex's senate buddy.

And then in canon, we have Part I of Obi-Wan Kenobi.

In the first episode of the show, Bail Organa attempts to bring up the issue of slave labor at the fancy dinner, and is visibly angry when it gets shut down with a “save the bleeding heart for the Senate.” This is clearly one of Bail’s leading focuses in the Senate.

In The Smuggler's Guide, this is how Dex describes his senate contact:

"Made it to the port this morning and commed my buddy on Coruscant. As politicians go he’s one of the good ones. He’s sending a ship to collect my new pal along with my surveillance data, then taking everything before the Senate Council of Labor Abuses.

So Dexter Jettster has a politician buddy, "one of the good ones" in the Senate Council of Labor Abuses. One of Bail Organa's primary efforts in the senate is about stopping slave labor.

After being cautiously eyed from across their connection in their mutual friend Obi-Wan, Dex has become Bail's underworld informant in the Imperial Era.

[fismoll7secinv]

Post 4 characters who match your energy

Thank you @hoe-smad for tagging me <3 I had great problems with this because I can often relate to a character but only in very particular elements not as in whole. So I asked people who’ve known me the best irl for many years... and they also said that they don’t know a character like me. But I squeezed some traits and characters out of them eventually. Things I’ve heard:

something with nature, like driads or witches

someone witty with humor who likes to tease

stubborn and resolute

“literally just a cat”

“as if someone merged a cat with a mimosa” lol

So yeah, here are 3 characters they listed and 3 I resonated with myself (that's 4 in total, what do you mean):

Firstly those I didn’t choose myself (left column):

Vagabond from Pyre for her wildness and unpredictability, unbridled energy, bubbly and cheerful personality, empathy and care for those she’s close with, but also her weirdness and being in her own world xd

Ciri from the Witcher for the resoluteness, stubbornness, energy, empathy

Catwoman for... basically being like a cat

And some from me (right column):

Karen from The Office for her joking around, ambition, being a hard-worker, casual attitude in interactions with others

Caitlyn from Arcane for the detective brain, fixating on the case and the truth, wanting to do the right thing, GUNS (I love shooting irl); her trope is probably half of my OCs in role-playing games xd 

Liu Qingge from SVSSS for being allergic to showing his feelings and for being so incredibly awkward in romantic aspects that it’s painful 🙃 plus stubbornness and fixating again

Tagging @miyakuli @a-very-fond-farewell @ohohsomething @subtlybrilliant @cytharat​ @domidoom​ @ashenwren @prommethium @theyilinglaozus @scorpionkings + whoever would like to join

[5am-the-foxing-hour]

Teacher AU

I’m not sure if i want them to be grade 6-9 (student age 12 -15 years old) or High school teachers. But anyway, some bullet points.

Janus is the biology teacher

He uses his cane to help him walk and move around after an accident.

He also use it to silence rowdy classes by starting to twirl it over his head. Most students get’s confused and quiet down.

If you catch him in a good mood out of class or between classes he will happily talk about his snakes.

He is the newest teacher at the school, and he has a weird mix of looking terrifying and as if he will kill you but alas he is a giggly cinnamon bun boy.

He hates Monday mornings as much as the students.

He has threatened Logan to not have any explosions or implosions on Monday mornings after 2 weeks in a row.

He short, and get mistaken for a student to often for his liking, he just wants his morning coffee Karen!

He will sneak into Patton’s classroom to get some coffee if there is a line to the coffee machine. (Patton is well aware of this.)

Logan is the somewhat chaotic Chem/Physics teacher!

He will set liquids on his desk on fire.

He will make wild experiments to teach his students the elements.

He will wake his students up with an explosion or implosion after a break and school starts, he mostly check with Janus before hand.

He can be found humming the Elements song when he is plotting new experiments.

He is a bit asocial and bad at socialising, but the students love him anyway.

He has a cat, a picture of her with a big bubble on her nose just as it pops hangs in the classroom.

Tol beanpole. He got long legs.

Remus is the energetic PE teacher

He is the quirky kinda weird gym teacher you have no idea what his living condition is like.

Every time the students learn he and Roman are twins they are shocked and disbelieving, because they’re so different in behaviour (while still being pretty much similar they just don’t see it as often).

He is open about everything so the students feel confident in trusting him if they’re feeling ill.

If he knows a kid is hurt he won’t force them to do what the other students are doing, but will make up a thing for the student right on the spot.

For some weird reason keeps the “found” pile of gym clothes washed and clean if a student forgot their clothes.

Any cpr training classes go into high dramatics, Remus won’t make it boring, but he will make sure the students learn.

Remus happily talks about the stupid shit he made when he was a kid.

Despite being a PE teacher he looks pretty scrawny but he’s the buff one of the twins. He’s the shortest of them.

Roman is the music teacher

He pretty much lives in the music room.

The theatre, nerds and geeks loves to talk musicals with him.

Most classes tend to derail into him ranting about what the students call “the musical of the week”.

He got a magnificent singing voice, but he is not good at the recorder flute. He threatens he will play it if the students don’t quiet down. It works like a charm.

Any celebrations are made perfectTM, Roman won’t let them be halfassed.

Roman has to confirm or deny the stupid shit Remus have claimed to have done as a kid. and he is so frustrated by it, but he knows Remus’s not going to stop.

Roman got the height.

Patton is the art teacher but also a bit all over the place

He may not be the best at drawing, but he is doing his best to teach the students how to draw.

If he has an assignment that the students are to hand it, he returns it to them later with a small post it-note with his thoughts as well as a doodle. The students love the small doodles.

If you have nothing to do during a break between classes or just need a bit of a break, Patton’s classroom is always open.

He keeps an electric kettle with water in the classroom and has an arrange of teas, some instant coffee and some chocolate if anyone get’s thirsty. during class or any other time.

He calls every student some form of nickname, “kiddo” is the most used one, but that’s also used for the other teacher he’s closest too.

He tries to not let his religious upbringing cloud his judgement of what the students draw or say, but sometimes he struggle to keep it in.

He tries his best.

Not very tall, but not on the short side either.  

Virgil is staffed in the school library.

He firstly mostly took the position because he needed a job, but the library is quiet so he’s not complaining.

The students finds him a bit scary and he too has a split idea about him, some students loves him a lot and finds him to be the best. while the other half finds him mean and try to deal with whatever business they have in the school library on their own, and only if they absolutely need to call for his help.

He always keeps one headphone in his ear.

It took him about a year before he learned the library like the back of his hand.

He goes on monthly book hunts if he has too. For some reason most of the books end up in Patton’s classroom.

He is a man of few words, if he can help it.

[forasecondtherewedwon]

The Stripping Point

Pairing: Peter Parker x Michelle Jones (Spideychelle) Rating: E (explicit sexual content) Word count: 6387

Happy Birthday, @spiderman-homecomeme​!

Summary: Peter's ready to turn his new hobby into a profitable sideline. Unfortunately, he writes down his very first client's address incorrectly and shows up at the wrong house.

MJ opens the door to find some guy dressed as Spider-Man and decides the best way to mess with him is to let him stay. Almost immediately, she loses the upper hand.

Quarantine puts people out of work. A lotta people at first, then less, but never Peter. He keeps shooting for the Bugle, lugging his camera all over the city (instead of squeezing onto buses and subway cars that never really get that much less crowded) while he breathes heavily through his mask. He only takes pictures at outdoor spaces to try to avoid both crowds and loners who hassle him for taking preventative measures during the pandemic. They’re stressed, he gets that, but Peter doesn’t wanna be anywhere near conflict. Spider-Man, on the other hand… Well, when he puts on that mask, it’s pretty much business as usual. He appreciates his face covering more than ever and, hey, it’s cool to do a job with social distancing built in.

His gratitude for the web-slinging side-gig only increases as the weeks of pandemic life stretch into months and Jameson starts ordering him back into situations that are just plain stupid from a health perspective. Never mind that he got kinda accidentally stabbed the other week. It’s a totally different set of dangers. Peter resists the new assignments and because Jameson’ll be in deep shit if his number one Spider-Man photographer makes a fuss about working conditions (and because people are getting so desperate for employment that he can pay a new hire even less than Peter’s paltry freelancing rate), the Bugle shells out for another photographer to cover the work Peter won’t do. Good for Peter’s health, bad for Peter’s bank account―which is already whimpering with hunger pangs from sitting near-empty after paying rent. This gets him thinking. It might be time to turn his early-quarantine hobby into his mid-to-late-quarantine money-maker.

Yeah, pandemic hobbies! By April, it seemed to him like everybody was picking something up. Bread-making, yoga, sewing masks for healthcare workers left criminally under-equipped. The hobby Peter picked up, well… it’s a little different. He began practicing it indoors (obviously), by himself, and with skills gained from reading and watching material on the internet. In those ways, it’s a lot like other people’s hobbies. In some other ways, it’s very, very different. Like, instead of putting on specialized clothing like an apron or yoga pants, Peter’s hobby requires taking clothes off. It’s stripping. Peter’s hobby is stripping.

A few things led to him picking that over sourdough or Sun Salutations. Peter loves not only old movies but also old music. Old movies with iconic dance scenes? That’s, like, the perfect combo. He spends a lot of his downtime playing music in his apartment and, when he’s not wiped or injured, dancing along. He figures it’s good for his mood as well as his fitness. Seriously, he can only do so many chin-ups on the metal bar braced in his bathroom doorframe (which is starting to crack). Patrick Swayze’s solo routine from the end of Dirty Dancing is way more fun, even if Peter did tear the knees on a couple pairs of sweatpants because of it. The more music he listened to, the more he started freestyling his own moves in between those of leading men. It was that―trying to create something good of his own―that helped him understand the routines he watched. He figured out the balance between precision and sex appeal and somewhere in there, he realized he was performing for an audience in his head. And what this imaginary audience wanted wasn’t always the goofiness of acting out Risky Business and sliding across the short strip of bare floor between his kitchen and living room in socks, underwear, and a white shirt. Sometimes, the audience wanted him to lose the shirt.

At that point, Peter was once again wandering out of what he knew. He was comfortable with movie dances, had a little of his own repertoire, but he lacked this extra element of storytelling; it was the one that took him from fully dressed down to boxers and socks without tripping and struggling and falling into his meager possessions. That was when he turned to the internet and confronted the fact that he wanted to learn how to strip. If he happened to stumble into related tutorials on how to give a lap dance, who would know? Who was there to judge Peter as he performed for an empty kitchen chair, dragging his hand along the back and body-rolling to buck his hips towards where someone’s face would be? Yeah, it was kinda embarrassing while he was learning, but he had the endurance to try a move over and over until he nailed it, the strength to draw out isolated movements like twitching his hips to keep his butt drawing circles on the lap of his invisible patron, and the overall coordination of, well, Spider-Man. Which ends up being the most important piece of all because, when Peter decides to take his show on the road (or at least out of his tiny apartment), his ‘stage’ name requires about a second of thought. Spider-Man. He’ll go by Spider-Man. He laughs his ass off when he thinks of it. It’s fucking genius! Spider-Man stripping as himself is the last thing anyone would ever suspect!

Naturally, Peter can’t use any of his actual Spidey suits. Those would probably give him away. Also, he’d feel weird about having Karen’s voice in his ear while he flexed his abs next to somebody’s head. Fortunately, after a little digging―which turns into a lot of digging and leaves his room a mess of comingled clean and dirty clothes―he finds his original suit. The zip-up hoodie plus sweatpants one. Yeah, its technological capabilities are basically zero, it’s a little grimy, and too tight, but he doesn’t need it to do anything besides come off. The wear-and-tear will lend genuine-fake authenticity to his character and the snugness around his more developed muscles (it’s been a decade since he wore it last) will make it… sexier? He guesses? The most important thing is the mask, which is the only part of his costume he won’t strip off. Apart from his underwear, obviously. He’s not that wild.

He gets to work cutting a vertical line up each leg of his sweatpants, then sews in snaps. Boom, tearaways. They look kinda shitty, but if he’s any good at all, whoever he dances for shouldn’t be staring at loose threads.

So Peter has his moves, his costume, a few songs in mind, and no engagements. Oh, he thinks he can figure out how to get jobs, it’s just that he somehow keeps coming home, sitting down to compose his ad, and then doing something completely different instead. He’s truly scared witless. Nobody’ll see your face, he chants in his mind to psych himself up every time he’s heading home to his apartment. Still, he freezes at his laptop. There’s nothing about his body that he’s ashamed of―he uses it every single day to help people as Spider-Man. Maybe it’s that, this time, he’d be using it to help himself. Is he a monster for making a buck off his superhero persona? Peter holds onto that question for about a week until the date to pay rent is approaching and his bank account shudders in horror. Ok, money’s tight and he hasn’t been hit by a car lately, so he won’t freak anybody out with road rash or bruising or more of his hand-sewing to close gashes. With a little self-pedicure here and hair-removal there, Peter looks at himself in his bathroom mirror and decides this is as good a time as any.

He advertises online and his hands are still trembling when he gets a call from an unfamiliar number ten minutes after his ad goes live. The ringing phone actually makes him jump. It’s probably a telemarketer, or a wrong number. Nobody would call him with a job this fast. He was counting on having at least a day to sit with the choice he made. Peter fumbles for the phone and answers. For the next minute and a half, he struggles to hear the woman’s voice over the blood rushing in his ears. She thinks he’s the Spider-Man Stripper. He is the Spider-Man Stripper. This is hilarious and terrifying and oddly similar to the brief moment of freefall between slinging one web and the next as he darts around Midtown. Her friend’s birthday party, she tells him, two days from now. Something else she planned (Peter’s adjusting his sweaty, slipping grip on his phone and misses the details) fell through and if he can be the entertainment for a half-hour or so it would save both the party and her friendship. Not to add extra pressure, she jokes, laughing. The sound Peter makes is a weak echo. So can he be there? Is there space in his schedule? He pretends to check that ‘schedule’ so she doesn’t think he’s a total amateur. Yep, yep, he has an opening for her. She has an opening for him, she flirts back, making his eyes go wide as he clutches the phone. God, why couldn’t his first gig have been for some 22-year-old’s bachelorette instead of this middle-aged-sounding woman who possibly wants to eat him alive? By the time she’s telling him her address, Peter’s hands are shaking worse than ever, he can’t immediately find a pen, and she reels it off to him way too quickly. He’s scrawling the address on his arm and right as he opens his mouth to ask her to repeat it, she hangs up. He peers at his arm doubtfully. Should he call her back for confirmation? No, he doesn’t have the guts. Anyway, he can figure this out. The street name was Woodman, right? Or was it Woodlawn? And the number was 712. Or 271. There was definitely a 7 in there somewhere. And his client’s name was… Lisa? Lana. Maybe Linda?

Peter cradles his face in his hands and groans. When his phone starts ringing again―different number―he frantically declines the call, then deletes his ad. One job at a time. Even that, he now thinks, seems ambitious.

―

MJ’s glad she’s not the one throwing this party together. As Liz’s best friend, it’s Betty who took the reins, organizing and then scrapping everything more than once as New York moved from phase to phase during this pandemic. The end result is still less than what MJ knows Betty wants; ideally, there would be more than a handful of guests and things like shiny helium balloons and fancy desserts would be hand-delivered to Liz’s front door on the day of the party. Instead, MJ sits on the arm of Liz’s couch as she inflates yet another latex balloon the good old-fashioned way: blowing it up by mouth until she’s dizzy.

Cindy stomps over and plops down next to her, snatching a balloon from the party pack of 50 (and Betty insists they need them all). She’s been banished from cupcake decorating. MJ would offer a word or two of sympathy, but balloon duty has the prior claim on how she spends her breaths. All she can do is toss Cindy a plastic tiara (Betty bought one―just one!―reading ‘Mom-to-Be’ for Liz, but the online shop screwed up her order and sent two dozen ‘Birthday Girl’ tiaras in its place) after tying off her finished balloon. MJ’s already wearing one. Meanwhile, the tiara-less Mom-to-Be is being driven around the block a million times by her cousin because they’re having the party at Liz’s place and Betty wants the decorations to be a surprise. Liz’s husband, more simply, was banished for the entire day. MJ originally thought they could’ve put him to work, since it’s pretty hectic, but she’s too oxygen-deprived to worry anymore.

Finally, Betty declares from the kitchen that she’s frosted her final cupcake. MJ begs for a reprieve from balloon-inflating and Betty, feeling accomplished and generous, agrees they probably have enough balloons now. Cindy casts her half-inflated one away in disgust before going to help Betty clean up baking ingredients and do dishes. MJ does her best to shoo the balloons to one side of the living room, then carries spare chairs in because their couch won’t fit everyone. Fortunately, they’ve all been recently tested for illness and been vigilant hand-washers and mask-wearers since then, so at least she doesn’t have to find a way to keep every seat six feet apart. She’s just positioning a final chair, still a little out of breath from the balloons, when the doorbell rings. In the kitchen, Betty screams.

“IT’S STILL A MESS IN HERE! STALL HER!”

“’K!” MJ agrees.

She kicks a couple stray balloons out of her path and goes to get the door. They weren’t supposed to come back to the house until Betty texted, but maybe they got tired of driving around, or Liz started feeling carsick. MJ knows she’s been pretty delicate her entire pregnancy with twins floating around in her uterus like a pair of nausea-inducing astronauts.

As she opens the door wide, she sucks in a deep breath to call out a sarcastic ‘Surprise!’ But it’s not Liz and her cousin. It’s… a guy? In a red and blue costume. She thinks it’s a guy. She can’t even see the person’s face, but when MJ reaches up to self-consciously adjust her ‘Birthday Girl’ tiara, they tilt their head and seem to follow her movement.

“Oh! I’m here for you! You’re… not what I was expecting.” It’s a masculine laugh. Young. Nervous.

She crosses her arms suspiciously.

“You’re not what I was expecting either,” she accuses.

“Shit,” he mumbles. “I guess it was supposed to be a surprise.”

What? Betty might have planned a few surprises for today, but MJ does not recall a dude in a mismatched sweatsuit being one of them.

“Guess so,” she says slowly.

“Sorry, I’m, uh, Spider-Man.” He gestures to the costume. Well, she can kinda see the very distant resemblance to what the real Spider-Man wears; there is a crudely-drawn spider on the chest.

“Uh huh.”

MJ’s suspicion is shifting into amusement―this guy really seems to think he has an invitation―when Cindy comes up behind her. MJ darts a look at her friend and is glad Cindy’s no longer sporting her own tiara. No need to confuse this poor… Spider-Man impersonator.

“What’s up?” Cindy asks, poking her chin over MJ’s shoulder, happier now that she’s fled the tasks Betty continually assigns.

“Hey,” says ‘Spider-Man’. “I, uh, I was hired to, uh, dance for the, um…” He gestures at MJ’s tiara. “…birthday girl.”

At ‘dance,’ MJ’s eyebrows shoot up. She looks quickly at Cindy and realizes she’s going to say something. Cindy will handle this how she handles any inconvenience or anomaly: with forthrightness and concision. She’ll have this faux-venger hitting the road before MJ can blink. With a short, friendly laugh towards Spider-Man, MJ angles herself to block Cindy from view and locks eyes with her friend. Cindy’s face says, What are you doing? We don’t know this guy. MJ’s counters with, Let’s see how this plays out. Cindy rolls her eyes, but nods, so MJ steps away from her again.

“As long as you haven’t traveled outside the country in the last fourteen days or experienced symptoms of fever, etcetera etcetera, come on in,” Cindy invites, gesturing Spider-Man through the doorway. “I’m so sorry, but we were running a little behind with the food, so I have to disappear back to the kitchen. But why don’t you get started for her?”

“Cindy,” MJ hisses as she closes the door. “You have to stay.”

“I believe the man said he was here for the birthday girl.”

Cindy smirks and they both glance over to see that Spider-Man has found the speaker and connected his phone. Something catches MJ’s eye and her gaze skims down his leg. What’s up with the side of his pants?

“I’m not the birthday girl,” she reminds Cindy in a panicked whisper. “There is no birthday girl.”

“Well, in her absence, it looks like you’re the one getting her presents. Careful with that one.”

“Because it seems fragile?”

“Because I feel like it’s the kind that comes with a big package.”

Cindy pokes MJ hard in the side and flees when she squirms away. MJ glares after her. Yes, she’s curious about what the hell this impersonator’s doing here in that crappy costume, but it’s so much easier to be curious when she can observe something unfolding without actively having to participate. What she was thinking was that he’d come in and the three of them―Betty, Cindy, and herself―would see how far this went before something either gave them away as not being the people who ‘hired’ him (so he claims), or the guy crumbled under the quavering weight of his own anxiety. Nothing about his look or his manner announces experience. Now, MJ’s on her own as she takes a seat in one of the chairs she brought in. She crosses her legs, bobs her foot, and hopes to hell that Spider-Man’s a breakdancer.

“Listen…” she begins to say, leaning forward to address him, but as she speaks, he turns up the volume and her uncertain voice is drowned out by chimes tinkling above throbbing bass. Oh no.

It’s the tempo that scares MJ. She thinks she could deal with a rabbiting drum intro or the bright squeal of quick fingers on an electric guitar. This song is tauntingly slow and it’s obvious, by how Spider-Man turns in her direction and walks to her with measured steps, that what she’s about to experience will look nothing like handstands or the worm, nothing youthfully, recklessly acrobatic. It’s also clear that she’s in this alone now because the guy putting his back to her and swirling his hips with agonizing slowness as the gravelly vocals come in is in some kind of zone she can’t follow him into.

When I look in your eyes… the song goes. …I can feel the fire.

Nope, MJ’s outside of this, in the real world, where she hears him lower the zipper on his sweatshirt. When he rotates to face her, taking his time, she finds her hands are gripping the seat on either side of her thighs.

A see-through disguise can’t conceal desire.

Spider-Man’s disguise is hardly see-through―seriously, he must’ve been sweltering in those sweats on his way here―but it’s open now, from his clavicle down to where the band of his pants grips his taut abdomen. He probably can’t hear the groan that pushes out of her mouth when she’s just trying to exhale. God, please let the music cover it, MJ thinks. His hood’s still up as he steps even closer to her chair, subtly twitching his hips in her direction, and the ends of his sweatshirt dangle, flashing glimpses of more chest, more abs. MJ swallows and reminds herself that this is all kind of a joke. That she’s the one indulging him and they’ll laugh when this is over. She’ll apologize for the mix-up and he’ll shrug it off as he accepts monetary compensation for his time.

I’ve been readin’ your lips… the singer announces in a louder growl. Spider-Man abruptly strips the blue sleeves from his costume, leaving his torso bare beneath what’s now just a hooded red vest. He’s a fake superhero, but those arms are the real deal. Wow. …they don’t need no translation.

He widens his stance, drawing her eye down to his solid-looking thigh, then slides his hand across her shoulder to grip the back of her chair. His hips roll forward and she instinctively uncrosses her legs. With the extra room, Spider-Man briefly presses his thigh to hers. It scrunches the hem of her dress up before dragging it back down as he retreats. It’s reasonably innocent, likely not even intentional, but heat flares up MJ’s face like one of the candles she might blow out if this were actually her birthday. Honestly, she keeps forgetting it’s not.

They want more than a kiss, I come to make my donation.

Ok, she feels more than just thigh when he glides higher on her lap. MJ automatically flicks her gaze lower, because he’s a stranger and right in her space, and it lands on his groin. Spider-Man bucks suggestively and MJ immediately raises her eyes from the bump in the front of his close-fitting sweatpants. Jesus, is it warm in here? Somebody should do something about that before Liz gets home, fiddle with the thermostat or, or something…

So turn out the lights! the singer’s voice rockets up and goosebumps ripple up MJ’s arms as Spider-Man’s hands smooth down them in his fingerless gloves. He bounces low into a crouch and can’t be more than an inch away from the fabric of her dress as he rolls up her body, face in her lap for, I’m goin’ down slowly. Her pounding heart and rapid breathing almost push her boobs into his forehead when he reaches her chest.

Don’t tell me what’s right, just tell me you want me.

When their heads are level, Spider-Man surprises her by sitting lightly on her lap, nearly chest-to-chest. He takes her hands in his―MJ’s sufficiently stunned to allow him to break her grip on the seat―and guides them to his head, making her push his hood off. It’s strange to feel the mask under her palms. Wondering what his hair looks like really shouldn’t be a main concern right now.

Oh, tell me you want me. Just tell me you want me, want me, want me!

The more insistent the song becomes, the more persuasively Spider-Man gyrates in her lap. Sliding a hand over his head shouldn’t be this seductive without visible hair to push his fingers through, but the way his arm bulges with the motion makes up for it, in her opinion. MJ doesn’t know what to do with her hands. They hover in the air between their bodies.

Let’s make it, baby! the song explodes as he thrusts forward powerfully, throwing his head back.

Well, let’s make it, baby!

His hands go to his shoulders.

Well, let’s make it, baby!

He works his vest off, revealing the rest of his chest.

Let’s make it, baby!

He flings the vest toward the sofa. MJ doesn’t know whether or not it lands there. She doesn’t turn to look. This is… more muscle than she’s ever seen in person on a single human body. Once more, he takes hold of the back of her chair, but it’s with both hands now and his forearms squeeze her in, compelling her to lean forward as he grinds across her lap, forward and back, to, Come, come, come a little bit closer. His face angles into her neck; she feels his nose brush her skin through the mask. She can hear him breathing and it electrifies her. The only reason she clamps her thighs together like she does is to give him more room to straddle her. Really, it’s for his comfort, as a professional. Because this is all just… very professional.

She hasn’t determined where to lay her hands, which is fine because he has another use for them.

I wanna play doctor, the singer drawls while Spider-Man brings her hands to his pecs. Is his heart beating as hard under there as hers is right now or is she imagining it? He effortlessly takes gentle hold of her wrists and encourages her hands down his body. She doesn’t even notice when he lets her go to peel the gloves from his hands and push his sneakers off, leaving MJ to trace the thick, defined ridges of his abdomen.

It keeps gettin’ harder, harder, harder to keep it away!

With the end of the line, Spider-Man rips the sweatpants off―a series of metallic popping sounds too close together to count. Not that counting’s on her mind. Eyeing the cherry-red boxer-briefs that are even tighter than the sweats, she swallows. She can’t remember how to exist on the outside of this. She can’t find the door. Believing that this guy―who’s not really Spider-Man, just like she’s not really a birthday girl―understands, that they’re sharing the scorching intimacy she suddenly feels, is naïve. MJ is not naïve. She just can’t exactly explain why what should be an obvious (skillful, but obvious) pantomime of sex is working on her like real foreplay.

I wanna taste the sweat…

She swears he’s breathing harder than the dancing alone can explain when he palms her knees and pries them apart. Her legs are slack and willing. She is sweating.

…that’s runnin’ over your body.

Tucking his fingers into the backs of her knees, Spider-Man jerks her forward on her seat. It raises her hem to mid-thigh and her pulse to low orbit. He hikes her legs around his hips and she crosses her wrists behind his neck without guidance as he stays in what has to be a strenuous squat to body-roll. Everything comes forward in a delicious wave, from his shoulders to his crotch. From lots of angles, it probably looks like he’s fucking her into Liz’s kitchen chair.

In actuality, there’s no contact between them―not anyplace interesting―until…

Get the sheets all wet!

MJ doesn’t know if his hips nudge between her legs accidentally or intentionally on an overzealous roll. She’s never been given a lap dance before! Is this right? Is this permitted? He seems ready to run with it, repeating the action with greater certainty.

Yeah, I wanna make ya feel nau-nau-nau-nau-nau-nau-nau-naughty!

When the singer quits stuttering out the word, Spider-Man lifts MJ right off the chair into his arms. She inhales hard, desperate for air as the song returns to, Let’s make it, baby! And let’s make it, baby! Well, let’s make it, baby! And let’s make it, baby, baby! He has one hand grasping the underside of her thigh, the other clutching the middle of her back. He thrusts toward her through the chorus, shy of nudging the way he did before. The motion sways MJ fairly gently, thanks to his sure grip and ability to carry her weight with ease, but she might as well be tumbling around inside a washing machine for all she currently knows of up and down.

The animal urgency of the chorus drops down to the slow lull of instrumentals and Spider-Man sets MJ on her feet. She just about rolls her ankle and plans to never admit this made her weak in the knees. As irregular drumbeats keep her on edge, he sneaks around behind her and takes her wrists, raising her arms over her head as she fights the instinct to turn and stare at this guy’s mostly-naked body. She hasn’t dated anyone since before the pandemic, but it’s more than that. While she holds her arms up there, Spider-Man rocks against her from behind, the inside of his thigh rubbing the outside of hers, messing up her skirt, confusing her heartbeat. His hands clamp down on her hips and work them in a circular motion with her ass pressed directly against him.

Wait.

―

Peter’s hard. Of all the things that have definitely gone wrong (having to make up a routine from scratch after blanking in the face of a woman 20 years younger and 500 times more beautiful than who he expected to find) and probably gone wrong (he hasn’t shaken the exhilarating feeling that he’s almost certainly at the wrong house), this is the most serious. He’s in so, so far over his head and sinking deeper, metaphorically, as the woman he’s wrapped around cautiously returns the pressure, pressing his erection.

He was so nervous after meeting her that he went straight to setting up his music and forgot to ask for her name. It’s not like he can casually ask now. It feels like things have gone too far for that. Wasn’t he supposed to feel some layer of detachment, doing this? Stripping’s supposed to be a part-time job, like taking pictures for the Bugle. Maybe he’s too used to caring about people to set himself apart from this. Maybe it’s the shock of her youth and the feeling of touching a real-live person after practicing with an empty chair over months of physical distancing.

Maybe he’s just horny.

The instrumental section goes on and on and Peter yearns. This is a job, he thinks, running his hands up to her waist and back to her hips. As the musical intermission’s finally drawing to a close, he improvises again, scooping the woman up into his arms in a bridal carry just to eliminate the sweet friction against his dick. Where does he go from here? He knows what the tutorials told him, what really gets the target of a lap dance/strip show going. Could go with the couch and push his red vest aside, but the soft rug underfoot beckons.

Now turn out the lights! Bon Jovi rasps as Peter moves gradually to his knees and nuzzles his masked face into the woman’s chest because, at this point, why the hell not? She smells so good. He hears her gasp, then her fingers dig fleetingly into the back of his neck like she wants to hold him there. But she lets go and he lays her on her back in the valley created by leisurely-migrating silver balloons. The light refracted on the woman’s face is crisp and ethereal.

Don’t tell me you love, love me, no… Just, just tell me you want me.

Peter springs on top of her, arms braced and locked, and performs an exaggerated horizontal roll, his hips close above hers. This is the million-dollar (or, like, twenty-dollar) move. The one that unambiguously mimics sex. Though it’s so overstated, so dramatic, the tutorials claimed that, by this stage, the person being performed for would be so wound up, so aroused, that they’d just about believe it was the real thing. He watches the woman’s shaky breathing and flushed cheeks, feels her hands caress his abs, and thinks he’s doing pretty damn good. Too bad he can’t count this as a performance. The desire he feels when he lowers himself closer to her is not an act.

Don’t tell me you love me.

The skin-tight front of his underwear skims her dress. And, though she should really keep her legs out straight to do her part in preserving the distance between them (because he’s fucking failing), she slides her foot along the floor, raising her knee. Peter snatches hold of that knee with the feeling that they just signed some kind of contract and grinds himself against the fold of skirt between her legs. The woman’s chest heaves as she pants. His balls ache for him to stop playing.

Oh, tell me you want me, want me, want me, want me, want me, want me, want me! Bon Jovi and Peter’s sex drive demand, from a rumble up to a scream. Let’s make it, baby!

The woman beneath him tosses her head and bats away a balloon that clings to her hair. Her birthday crown’s askew.

Well, let’s make it, baby!

Peter’s hand is on her ribcage, too near her breast.

Well, let’s make it, baby!

He huffs, loud inside his mask, as he thrusts against her like she’s not some accident, like she asked him to meet her here. For this.

And let’s make it, baby!

Distinct lyrics burst into a high, expressive shriek of noise that sounds enough like a woman being pleasured to send a tingle up Peter’s spine. He grinds down hard, gripping the woman’s hip. By the second shriek, her back’s bowing, her hands commandingly squeezing his arms. By the third, she’s moaning as she rocks against him, tearing an appreciative grunt from him in response. The fourth shriek finishes her right before the song. Peter’s breathing hard on top of her, on the jaw-clenching edge of climax himself, feeling her writhe as the music fades out. It just leaves the two of them here, damningly entangled.

After a long silence, his playlist moves on. Peter stares down at her another few seconds as she strokes her fingers across her mouth, then her eyes snap to where she can’t see his through the goggles.

“Oh shit,” he mutters.

The woman laughs awkwardly like those two words are an understatement for the degree to which this has not gone as planned. She didn’t even know the plan, but anyone would know this was not the intended conclusion―a stripper dressed up in a novelty Spider-Man costume should excite, entertain, inspire lust. But he should stop short of dry-humping his client to completion. Yeah, that has to be an unwritten rule someplace. Peter really shouldn’t have needed to read it to know better though. This has just gotten incredibly out of hand and he has no idea what to say or do.

“LIZ IS ON HER WAY!” a female voice yells from the back of the house, maybe the kitchen that the other woman vanished into earlier.

Peter jerks to his feet, still rigid in the front of his underwear. He thinks the woman he just, uh, danced for is requesting help up, but she’s actually pointing. He looks and sees the bathroom just off the stairs.

“I’m good,” she says. “Go before Cindy sees you.”

Snagging his pants from the floor and the vest portion of his sweatshirt from the couch, Peter bolts for the bathroom as the woman sits up from the rug. Inside, his hands quake with adrenaline as he zips his sweatshirt and refastens all the snaps on his pants. He does his best to adjust things so his waning erection’s not too obvious. For a minute, he yanks the mask from his head and stares at himself in the mirror as he breathes. This is not the side-hustle for him. This was his first and last gig as the Spider-Man Stripper.

Mask back on, he returns to the front room to find the woman he was grinding all over standing with her arms crossed protectively as her friend appears to grill her under her breath. They both look at him as he stuffs his feet back into his shoes and grabs his gloves and the blue sleeves of his sweatshirt. He’ll just carry them. If he stood here and began redoing them, he’d probably die from mortification before he got the last snap snapped. He collects his phone, stopping the music mid-song. He doesn’t know what’s playing. Could be his favourite song in the world and he wouldn’t be able to hear it right now over the volume of the look his ‘birthday girl’ is giving him.

“I’ll just, um, show you out,” she offers, shepherding him away from the woman he takes to be Cindy. She doesn’t volunteer anything about the other person, Liz, who they seem to be expecting.

“Great.”

He’s thankful that Cindy gives them a little space and doesn’t follow. They pause in the entranceway. The woman presses two fifties into his hand, avoiding eye contact. Peter clears his dry throat and nods, closing his fingers over the money because he’s more uncomfortable about the idea of prolonging this with a back-and-forth over him saying it’s too much while she insists than he is about the idea that she’s kinda paying him for sex, even if thinks she doesn’t mean to.

She pulls the door open and Peter jumps aside for two women, one very pregnant. There’s a flurry of voices all of a sudden and when he slips outside onto the step before someone can ask who he is and what he’s doing here, he doesn’t expect the birthday girl to come after him.

“MJ,” she blurts out.

He grins under the mask.

“Peter.”

He never gets to tell people that when he’s in disguise, but she doesn’t know he really is Spider-Man. The honesty feels good.

“So, that was…”

“This wasn’t supposed to be… Um,” he starts again, swinging his arms slightly. “That was my first time. Doing this. I’ve never done a routine for anybody before, so I want you to know I haven’t, like, done that with a bunch of people. I’ve never done this. And I think, uh, based on what happened in there, that I probably shouldn’t.” Peter’s laugh is strained. “I really don’t―”

“Do you want my number?”

He chokes.

“What?”

“I… thought I might as well ask,” she says, clearly self-conscious, looking prepared for rejection.

“No, of course I do,” Peter tells her quickly, holding out his phone. “Please.”

“Ok.” MJ gives him a quick smile, then looks at his screen as she adds herself as a contact. He’s grateful she’s the one putting the numbers in. He really can’t be trusted with that. Peter’s not nervous now, just excited as he thinks about using the money she gave him to buy her dinner.

Though he’s pretty sure he knows the answer, he says, “This isn’t the right house, is it?” as she hands his phone back. She laughs.

“No.”

“Yeah, I… kinda had a feeling.”

“Hey, whoever she was, her loss was my gain,” MJ says bluntly, then blushes hard. Peter chuckles to himself, looking down.

“Ummm…”

“Well, I should get in there. Baby shower.”

“Right, yeah, sure, you gotta.”

“But call me.”

“I will. I definitely will.”

“Maybe you can even show me what you look like without the mask,” she says.

Peter nods, body nothing but a cage for a butterfly swarm, then turns. Behind him, he hears Cindy’s voice as MJ steps back inside.

“Did you just give him a hundred bucks?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s what you owe me for going in on the stroller!”

“I’ll go to the bank and take out another hundred right after the party if you want,” MJ offers, sounding unconcerned.

“But a hundred bucks? MJ, he was here for ten minutes!”

“Trust me, Peter earned it.”

“Peter?! That’s Spider-Man’s name?”

“Cindy, come on, he’s not actually Spider-Man.”

The door shuts. Of course he’s not. Peter could no more be Spider-Man than he could fall half in love with a woman simply because of the way she smelled and the fact that she wouldn’t let him off the hook for a lap dance. He starts down the sidewalk with a skip, smiling wide beneath his mask.