#@microcosme11

[isthenapoleoncute]

Rating: Cute!

Napoleons make great companions for children. Sure, it looks like the Napoleon is considering whether this boy is edible, and whether or not he should unhinge his jaw like a snake and swallow him whole as a yummy snack, but!

1.) napoleons hardly ever do that

2.) when they do, it’s usually against naughty British children who ate dessert before dinner or didn’t do well on their lessons or disappointed their parents

3.) this napoleon looks so content! And napoleons are bad liars and quick workers. If he wanted to eat the boy, he’d already be eaten

[trashpoppaea]

Review of Napoleon (2023)

So I saw Napoleon (2023).

eyes glaze over

collapses and melts into a puddle

This is possibly the most soporifically boring, relentlessly mediocre so-called "epic" I have had the misfortune to see.

Plotless, pointless, and devoid of anything approaching characterization, the movie can be best described as reenacted scenes from a wikipedia article about Napoleon as written by the Anti-Jacobin.

The whole thing is suffused with British reactionary propaganda circa 1815. The characterizations are all courtesy of the Anti-Jacobin and Rowlandson’s cartoons. Robespierre is a tyrant, Napoleon is a buffoonish loutish thug, and Josephine is a slut. There’s nothing there. There’s no character arcs, no development. Sure, it’s pretty enough, but it's boring. So, so, so boring.

While watching it, I was frequently in a fugue state, floating over my body, wondering, "what is a movie? is this what they're like now? with no drama, no characters, no arcs, no interest?"

In fact, I didn't watch it: I endured it.

Joaquin Phoenix is awful. He is completely miscast on every conceivable level. Mumbling, monotone, and charmless-- I never for one moment thought I was watching Napoleon-- it only felt like Phoenix's cosplay. He and Vanessa Kirby have so little chemistry they might as well be appearing in different movies. They supposedly have this grand obsession/love story, but this amounts to sitting in the same room staring off in boredom. There's the occasional ridiculous sex scene which is always doggie style with clothes on. But for the most part, Josephine just stands in the rain or stares off into the mist.

Oh yeah there's the occasional battle. Eh…

Napoleon’s life was filled with colorful characters like the foppish, extravagant and brave Murat, the bold and foul-mouthed Lannes, the scheming, irrepressible Fouche, and the bubbly nymphomaniac Pauline, none of whom are here, and you have a bunch of interchangeable extras standing around rooms or battlefields. The only character who makes any impression whatsoever is Edouard Philipponnat as Czar Alexander, and I would have rather had a movie starring this actor. Alas, that's not what we got.

A lot of money was spent on this movie. A lot of choices were made. The result was a bland, forgettable dud that immediately fell into a memory hole as soon I departed the theatre.

As Napoleon himself would say, BAH!

PS. @microcosme11 and I didn't watch the entire thing, because it is 2 hours and 40 minutes long. As all the restaurants in the neighborhood were closing at 10, we left half an hour early, right before Waterloo and after Josephine died of pneumonia, so we could have burgers and a richly deserved beer.

PPS. Feel free to ask me for specifics!

@thiswaycomessomethingwicked @lordansketil @joachimnapoleon @usergreenpixel @twice-told-tales @josefavomjaaga @bunniesandbeheadings @jefflion

[hudsonlowesbills]

This is a genuine question for the Napoleonic Community. I tag @josefavomjaaga in particular, because you always have good takes (tm), but also anyone else who wants to hop in ( @captainknell, @microcosme11, @empirearchives, literally anyone else. If you see this, you can speak up)

But if you were Hudson Lowe…what would you do differently?

Because I always read about how he was overly cruel and overly harsh and “stupid” (in Wellington’s terms) but… okay.

So what would you fix? We know what Hudson Lowe did. What would you do differently to sidestep the reputation?

Keep in mind you also have to not let Napoleon escape. Don’t be cheeky and say, “I charter him a boat,” no. You do have to do the job.

[suburbanbeatnik]

A book cover illustration I did for author (and Napoleon enthusiast) Diane Scott Lewis is now live! It’s for her book Napoleon's Elysium: Desire and Betrayal on St. Helena, a Kindle exclusive, with design done by the one, the only @microcosme11​. If you’re interested in Napoleon, historical romance, or just an engaging, epic read with memorable characters, drawn from history, I highly recommend it!

[histoireettralala]

Victor Hugo on Talleyrand's death

For @empirearchives who was interested, here's a translation of Victor Hugo's text about Talleyrand's death. My thanks to @microcosme11 for her help <33

Choses Vues, Victor Hugo

1838

Talleyrand

19th of May

In the Rue St-Florentin, there is a palace and a sewer.

The palace, with its noble, rich, and dull architecture, was long called "Hôtel de l'Infuntado"; today, we read on its front door: Hôtel Talleyrand. During the fourty years he lived on this street, the last host of this palace might never have set eyes on this sewer.

He was a stranged, feared, and considerable character: his name was Charles-Maurice de Périgord; he was noble as Machiavel, a priest like Gondi, defrocked like Fouché, witty as Voltaire, and lame as the devil. One could say that everything limped with him: the nobility which he had put to the service of the republic, the priesthood he had dragged on the Champ-de-Mars then threw down the drain, the marriage he had broken by twenty scandals and by a voluntary separation, the wit he dishonoured through vileness. This man, nevertheless, had grandeur.

The splendours of both regimes were mixed together inside of him: he was prince of the old kingdom of France, and prince of the French Empire.

For thirty years, from the depth of his palace, from the depth of his mind, he had just about led Europe. He had let the revolution call him "tu", and had smiled at it, ironically of course; but it had not noticed. He had approached, known, observed, pierced, stirred, upturned, delved into, mocked, intellectually fertilized all the men of his era, all the ideas of his century, and there had been a few minutes in his life when, holding in his hand the four or five fearsome threads that moved the civilized universe, he had had for a puppet Napoleon the First, Emperor of the French, King of Italy, Protector of the Confederation of the Rhine, Mediator of the Swiss Confederation. Such was the game this man played.

After the Revolution of July, that old race, whose grand chambellan he was, having fallen, he found himself standing on one foot and told the people of 1830, sitting, bare-armed, on a pile of cobbles: Make me your ambassador.

He had received Mirabeau's last confession and Thiers' first confidence. He had said himself he was a great poet and had made a trilogy in three dynasties: Act I, Buonaparte's Empire; Act 2, The House of Bourbon; Act 3, The House of Orleans.

He had done all of this in his palace, and, in this palace, like a spider in its web, he had attracted into it and taken successively heroes, thinkers, great men, conquerors, kings, princes, emperors, Bonaparte, Sieyès, Mme de Staël, Chateaubriand, Benjamin Constant, Alexander of Russia, Wilhelm of Prussia, Francis of Austria, Louis XVIII, Louis-Philippe, all the golden, shiny flies who buzzed in the history of those last fourty years. The whole sparkling swarm, fascinated by this man's deep eye, had successively passed under the dark door that bore, written on its architrave: Hôtel Talleyrand.

Well, the day before yesterday, 17 March, 1838, that man died. Doctors came and embalmed the corpse. For this, like the Egyptians, they first withdrew the bowels from the belly and the brain from the skull. Once done, after they had transformed the prince de Talleyrand into a mummy, and nailed this mummy in a white satin-lined coffin, they withdrew, leaving upon a table the brain, that brain which thought so many things, inspired so many men, built so many edifices, led two revolutions, fooled twenty kings, contained the world.

Once the doctors were gone, a valet entered, he saw what they had left. Hold on! they forgot this. What to do ? He remembered that there was a sewer in the street, he went there, and threw that brain into this sewer.

Finis rerum.

[usergreenpixel]

@captainknell @microcosme11 @kaxen @maggiec70 @josefavomjaaga @tairin @suburbanbeatnik @amypihcs @joachimnapoleon Guys, in Spain that one Ridley Scott movie about Napoleon will be out on November 27th. I will post both my initial impressions and a full review, rest assured. I want to see this train wreck personally.

[acrossthewavesoftime]

Don't worry @microcosme11, I can help!

Here's the transcript:

Fouché: "Außer dem König ist noch niemand informiert. Kommt er ungehindert nach Paris durch, dann bin ich der Mann, der die Generale [sic] für ihn mobilisiert hat; stößt er unterwegs auf ernsthafte Schwierigkeiten, dann wird mich der König in der ersten Erregung an die Spitze seiner Regierung rufen. [chuckles] Minister des Kaisers, Minister des Königs--: Minister werde ich auf jeden Fall."

And here's the translation:

Fouché: "Nobody has been informed yet, except for the King. If he [Napoléon] gets through to Paris unchecked, then I am the man who shall have mobilised the generals for him; if he should meet with serious difficulties along the way, then the King shall, in his first excitation, call me to the head of his government. [chuckles] Minister of the Emperor, minister of the King--: I shall become a minister at any rate."

Hundert Tage movie: you can hear Gustaf Gründgens (Fouché) speak fast in German. The court of Louis XVIII just heard that Napoleon has landed in France. Fouché says something about "minister of the emperor, minister of the king"; that's all I understand except for some words here and there.

[emperornapoleon-and-i]

@microcosme11 I strongly apologise for tagging you on this brand new post, but 'Tumblr' cannot send my message to you. I shall paste it here:

"Sorry, my previous message could not be sent. I shall try sending it again. Here it is : I have just discovered that "Joséphine Ou La Comédie Des Ambitions" is on 'Dailymotion'. All five episodes were posted by a passionate user in their original format from their 'D.V.D.' copy. You can also use a 'website' to download each video on your device. Here is the 'link' to the first episode: https://dai.ly/x8pifqw and this one is for the 'Dailymotion' 'Downloader' 'website' : https://en.savefrom.net/10-how-to-download-dailymotion-video-50.html . Awwww... That is so sweet! I have first fallen in love with him when I was twelve years old when I found one of my Dad's history magazines in the living room. His painting was printed on the back cover and it was more than love at first sight... I was in pure awe. This was the painting:"

[nordleuchten]

15 people, 15 questions

Thank you for tagging me, @ouiouixmonami and @my-deer-friend. :-)

1. are you named after anyone?

No, but not for a lack of trying on my grandfather’s side

2. when was the last time you cried?

I honestly do not recall.

3. do you have kids?

There are few things that I like to keep private. 😉

4. what sports do you play/have you played?

I tried out a lot of things and still like to be active. There are many possibilities for water sport where I live but my absolute passion is climbing and figure/ice skating. Oh, and high jumping (Is that the right term? Because it does not feel like proper English to me.)

5. do you use sarcasm?

All the time … much to the annoyance of the people around me.

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

Their hands - hands tell you so much about a person’s life.

7. what’s your eye color?

Predominantly blue

8. scary movies or happy endings?

Well, this is not mutually exclusive … but if I had to choose, I take scary movies.

9. any talents?

I have quite a good memory when it comes to faces.

10. where were you born?

Somewhere in Germany

11. what are your hobbies

Reading, writing, music, hangging, out with friends ... pretty typical stuff.

12. do you have any pets?

No

13. how tall are you?

175 cm

14. favorite subject in school?

Biology – by a far stretch. But I generally truly enjoyed school.

15. dream job

Put me in a lab and I am happy as could be.

I am tagging @microcosme11, @acrossthewavesoftime and @echo-bleu - but as always, no pressure. :-)

[isthenapoleoncute]

My Napoleon lifted his hat, and half of him disappeared. WTF

Oh! I think your Napoleon has learned some magic tricks! What he's trying to do is make himself disappear, probably to go and retake France for some sort of adventure that will last ~100 days.

He just hasn't mastered this art yet.

It's a creative attempt from this little scamp. What you need to do is give him more enrichment. Napoleons tend not to try to escape if they feel suitably enriched! Give him a bigger empire to play with.

[trashpoppaea]

@microcosme11 @joachimnapoleon look at that embroidery!!

Suit that Napoleon wore as First Consul of France 1800.

“This sumptuously embroidered jacket was given by the city of Lyon to the First Consul in 1800. He wore it on April 18, 1802 at the Te Deum ceremony held at the cathedral of Notre-Dame in Paris after the signing of the Concordat. Napoleon took it with him to St. Helena. He gave it to the young Hortense Bertrand (daughter of an Empire general) who, when she was older, passed it on to Prince Victor Napoleon, grandson of King Jerome, Napoleon’s youngest brother.”

[trashpoppaea]

well guys I'm gonna see it. @microcosme11 and I are going to see That Napoleon Movie. Wish us luck!! @thiswaycomessomethingwicked @lordansketil @usergreenpixel @twice-told-tales

[usergreenpixel]

Dear Neighbors… I just had a panic attack. I’m so sorry but this derails the review schedule… again. Dammit.

(Please don’t worry, I’m feeling better now. I got anxious about something completely unrelated to reviews)

Once again, I’m sorry about this. The review will be out by Saturday and I already have a draft of it… if you still want to see it even after so many delays… @tairin @amypihcs @aminoscribbles @josefavomjaaga @maggiec70 @dartharaiz @blackwidowmarshal123 @pobodleru @count-lero @michel-feuilly @captainknell @microcosme11 @elisabeth515 @klara-1838 @sollannaart @au-pas-camarades , @joachimnapoleon , @kaxen , I’m truly sorry that I broke my promise… but I will correct it. Luckily I’m calming down already.

(Tiny spoiler, I really enjoyed the book! Thank you for writing it, @garethwilliamsauthor ! And thank you to @suburbanbeatnik for introducing me to this story.)

[isthenapoleoncute]

Rating: Cute!

As caterpillars go into cocoons, this Napoleon has morphed into a First Consul! He has a luscious red pelt and - oh, look! He’s started to shed his hair. I’m especially pleased that he has a suspicious glint in his eye, as this means he has not succumbed to hubris as Napoleons are prone to do. An excellent specimen.

[cedyat]

@suniikennedy thanks :)

@literaldump-ko @mai-von-weissenfels @napolka @burritofriedrich @microcosme11 , don't know anyone who sees this

New tag game

Insert a photo that you already have in your gallery that best describes you. saw this in the "tag game" tag

ntps: @red-in-revenge @toasterfroggy @allnewtpir @mike-queerler @foodiewithdahoodie @aidyaiden @newaronantics @unrepentant-byler-shipper @kirjavafan @rebelrobinrules1984 @sunflowerswren @notmybabies @emily-mooon @starmanbyler @microwaveonwheels @weirdo09 @iliataslost @charliethe3gg

[isthenapoleoncute]

I had a sexy statue of Napoleon installed in my backyard and someone wrote graffiti on it: "If I live, you will die." What kind of coward would do such a thing?

A stupid one. What sort of Napoleon owner would not be proud to die for their pet Napoleon? One time I had to produce an ax to chop a great white shark's head off to protect my Napoleon's; I'd do it again

(Artist's rendition of me defending my Napoleon from a shark).

Also, I like how the Napoleon you submitted looks like he is trying imitate his sister, Princess Pauline! What a good boy!