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messymindofmine · 2 years ago

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This episode hit me so hard. As a Muslim woman, I see so much of myself in Marjan and even more so now than ever before.

The way she used to be this shy quiet child that people called Mouse. She hated celebrating herself bc she didn't want to make anyone feel bad but the last words her best friend's mother ever said to her was that she should never hide her light. And she hasn't. On the contrary, she shares her light with the world and uses it to inspire others. There's an added layer to this when you're a Muslim woman. There's so much of yourself you feel you need to hide bc of the way the world treats you. And Marjan felt this way too but she refused to let anyone put her light out. Even when she was being shamed for the video in 1x03 and she struggled with the judgement she faced from someone who should have been among her biggest supporters bc who better to support a Muslim woman than other Muslim women? Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out like that and clearly it didn't for Marjan either. But Marjan never let's anyone shame her for being who she is.

The fact that she lost her best friend at such a young age and how she has used that grief to save others.* And how she must have been met with so many barriers on her path. In her very first scenes she says she's allergic to poor leadership. The first glimpse we see of her is of her jumping into a lake to save someone else even as her captain yells at her. She also talks about how she finally felt like she got respect after she went viral the first time. Picture it, Marjan decides to become a firefighter so she can save others the way she wishes she'd been able to save her friends. But instead, she is ignored and underestimated and I think we all know why. But she refuses to put up with it. She doesn't let Owen convince her to move immediately even though I'll bet she wanted to. But she make sure that everyone knows she is not someone to take advantage off. And when she does make the move to Austin and the 126, she finally finds a place for herself.

*As a sidenote, I do find it interesting that both Marjan and Judd lost their best friend in a car accident and both the episodes for them took place in the ninth episode of their respective season.

We see her remorse and her grief over the woman in 2x11. It's so easy to judge her for flexing for the camera during that scene but it's not like she stopped for a photo op. OK maybe it was unprofessional of her to respond to the crowd at all while working but she's allowed to have her flaws like anyone else. Besides, we now know that she wasn't always this confident and it's understandable that sometimes she might go a bit too far with that. I would much rather have Marjan who gets a bit carried away with her confidence at times than a Marjan who stays in the shadows bc she's afraid of what others think. She went from being the little girl known as Mouse to the woman known as Firefox. As Marjan said, people stop her in the streets to thank her for what she does. If she were real, I would be stopping her too.

That's what made it so painful for Marjan when the Geralds tried to extort her. Yes she did something wrong by calling the woman crazy but she was trying to save her life and the woman was being stupid by insisting on staying. Marjan had a human reaction and she had no problem taking accountability for it. But then they went after two things she puts so much value in. They went after the job she chose so she could save people and they went after the means she uses to share her light with others. They made Marjan doubt herself. They made her feel unsafe even though all she wants is to keep others safe. And they tried to take her platform and make her twist it into something ugly. But Marjan didn't let them. She fought back and she decided that if she can't be herself somewhere then it's better for her to leave. She left the place that she felt so safe bc she no longer felt safe. Despite that, the people that made her feel safe are still there for her.

She fought so hard to keep the firehouse together in s3. Because this was the place where she truly felt accepted and surrounded by people she loved. And Marjan never wants to lose another friend ever again. We see her grief over TK and Paul. Her fear as Owen and TK were on that plane. Now it hits so much harder. And these people really do love her so much. The way they worried about her in this episode. TK immediately thinking to start calling hospitals. Mateo looking at pictures of him and Marjan and being so afraid of losing her. Carlos using all his connections to track her down. Grace helping them look even though she was at work. Owen, Judd and Paul going to look for her and carrying her out of that tunnel. Tommy coming to the hospital afterwards. And all of them wanting to see her in the hospital. Even the doctor remarked on how many people there were to see her.

I'm so happy that we see she has such supportive loving parents. For a young Muslim girl, this isn't always the case. All too often, they are forced to keep themselves in the background and be quiet. But her parents support her constantly. They obviously supported her when she moved to Austin. They obviously supported her when she decided to end her engagement to Salim. And they taught her to keep true to her faith. Faith has been such an important thing to Marjan since the start and now we see why. For Marjan, it is obviously one of her biggest sources of comfort. No matter what happens, she knows she will never be alone bc she has her faith.

I don't like that they killed that poor old man who was only trying to help but it just goes to show what men like Grant Harlan are like. There are far too many of them out there in real life. As far as I'm concerned, Paul is absolutely right. Grant got what he deserved. Marjan not only saved Kiley's life, she stayed with her after and then sold her bike to give Kiley money to start over. She got her sister to take Kiley in so that she could be sure Kiley would have a place to go and made sure Kiley got onto that bus. Kiley is absolutely right. Marjan is a hero. To Kiley, to the other people she saves, to her friends and family and to people like me

When I first started watching the show, I was very nervous about how they were going to portray Marjan. As Marjan herself questioned, were they just doing it to show off how woke they were? But they have done so well and I am so grateful for that. I love that they have consultants on the show to offer advice. I love how much Natacha puts into Marjan. It means the absolute world.

#911 on fox #911 lone star #911 lone star s1 #911 lone star s2 #911 lone star s3 #911 lone star s4 #marjan marwani #owen strand #paul strickland #judd ryder #tk strand #mateo chavez #nancy gillian #carlos reyes #grace ryder #tommy vega #character meta

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messymindofmine · 2 years ago

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Carlos Reyes Character Study

I have so many thoughts on Carlos lately I've always loved how complex he is but this season had expanded so many things for me and I just have to get my thoughts on it all out otherwise I might explode. I have metas for a bunch of other LS characters planned too. You can see my Marjan meta here. I think the next one will probably be TK.

Also big thank you to @paperstorm for proofreading and sharing feedback on this.

From the beginning, I've always seen Carlos as a very complex character. I never believed him to be perfect bc it was so obvious to me that he wasn't. Go back to s1 when we first see him as someone who appears to have it all together but even in 1x02 we begin to see that it's not actually the case. Interestingly, I actually feel I predicted a lot of what we see of the Reyes family dynamics even back in s1 when we knew nothing and I know some other people did as well. The way he reacted to him and TK hooking up for the first time was a big clue.

Even in the immediate aftermath of their hookup as he lies on that couch, you can tell this man is gone. He offers this guy he's just met a ride to work (probably bc he was hoping for another quickie) and tells TK to text him even as TK rushes out the door. I'll bet Carlos himself never imagined he could ever be this forward with a guy that he would be the one doing the chasing. This is the very first sign of the light TK brought into Carlos's life. For the first time, Carlos wants to be the one doing the chasing. He didn't deal with it well at first of that there is no doubt. We see this towards the end of the very same episode.

It's in 1x02 that we actually see his flaws emerging for the first time. The dinner was a beautiful gesture. It shows how Carlos is a true romantic and all he has ever wanted is to find that special someone. He knew (even if it was only subconscious at that point) that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with TK. But he did go against what seems to have been perfectly clear boundaries by arranging that dinner and having TK come to his place under the assumption that it was just for a hookup. And then when TK understandably was put off by the dinner, Carlos acted like TK was the one being so unreasonable when really he was the one who had gone against the arrangement they had at the time and sprung a date on someone who clearly wasn't looking for that. It was a lovely gesture but it was so clearly the wrong one for those circumstances and rather than admit to that, Carlos resorted to acting like TK was the one being crazy.

The next time he sees TK is after TK got arrested. This is when he acts all passive-aggressive and like he doesn't care at all about what happened. However, he still can't stop himself from showing his concern for TK but even he insists that he's not trying to be his boyfriend or his friend rather than admit to him how he really feels. It's not until TK opens up to him that Carlos fully drops his façade.

This is something we see Carlos resort to throughout the show since. Rather than communicate his thoughts and feelings or acknowledging his own role in a conflict, he makes passive-aggressive comments or turns the issue around onto the other person. It's quite understandable actually when you consider how Carlos grew up in an environment where he constantly felt like he had to repress himself and his emotions. So much of how we see Carlos deal with things can be explained by the way he grew up. His need for control at all times, his tendency to get very anxious when it comes to things he can't control or when it comes to pleasing authority figures and being enough for people, his tendency to not talk about his feeling until those feelings come out in passive-aggressive ways. Carlos is also someone who simultaneously has a tendency to blame things he has no control over on himself and a tendency to not recognize his actual flaws. Both of these things track pretty well for someone who represses their emotions. There’s a reason why nowadays it’s encouraged to let children express their emotions freely, it’s bc it allows them to learn how to understand why they feel a certain way and to process those feelings early. Children who aren’t taught to do so can end up becoming repressed adults who can’t understand or process their feelings as adults. We certainly see this with Carlos. It's also understandable that Carlos is like that considering he grew up in what has been said by both him and his mother a very old-school traditional household. His father is clearly a man who doesn't show emotions and never encouraged his son to do so either. We see the shock on Gabriel’s face when Carlos lashes out at him after Gabriel refuses to admit that Carlos was right about the bomber. Carlos himself says in 2x08 that his father didn't even want him to be a cop bc he thought Carlos was too soft. I can see how for Carlos who must have already been struggling with his sexuality and the way it felt like his parents didn't approve of that it must have just felt like his father didn't approve of him at all. People who grow up not feeling like they got the approval they need as kids end up constantly seeking that approval from everyone as adults.

In 4x04, we see the similarity between Carlos and Gabriel and how they deal with their emotions. As TK and Gabriel search for Carlos, Gabriel remains completely stoic to the point where TK has to ask him how he could remain so calm. Gabriel responds with a rather passive-aggressive comment about how TK is not the only one who loves Carlos. TK questioning Gabriel's demeanor was completely understandable considering the state he was in and Gabriel's remark was unnecessary. But it makes sense when you consider how this is just how Carlos deals with things as well. I do think Gabriel deserves credit for showing effort to do better when it comes to accepting Carlos. I'll bet a 17 year old Carlos could never have imagined that one day his father would be asking to be introduced to his boyfriend or coming over for dinner to meet his boyfriend's father. Or telling him that he was proud of him. Or even teaming up with his fiancé to find him. It's important to remember that Gabriel himself would have grown up with the same ideals he enforced with his son and at his age, it honestly a bit unreasonable to expect him to change completely. Realistically, he and Carlos may never have the type of casual, playful and affectionate relationship that TK and Owen have (although as we all know TK and Owen's relationship has it's own complications) but the relationship they have now is still more than Carlos could have ever imagined and that's a really good thing.

As much as Carlos inherited certain things from his father, he also clearly inherited other things from his mother. Carlos is quite clearly a caretaker. He loves to take care of people, host gatherings with friends, cook for people and be of service in some way. We know he puts so much value in his ability to take care of TK. It's unsurprising that his desire to take care of people can often contribute to his desire to be in control. After all, taking care of others often means being the one in charge. It's just that for Carlos, it can be a bit detrimental at times bc his need for control runs so deep. That need to be in control makes sense too when you think about all the things traditional masculinity upholds. Men are supposed to be the ones in charge. Men are supposed to always be stoic and never show emotion. Men are expected to always be in control and to take on all the responsibility. As we know, this type of mindset isn't really healthy and with Carlos there is the added layer that he is already going against expectations simply by being who he is. There is also the fact that the caretaker is a role that is usually assigned to women and so that would probably have created a conflict in a young Carlos's mind as well. It's not surprising then that he would (even if it was on a subconscious level) take his "feminine" desire to be a caretaker and his "masculine" desire to be in control and combine the two things in a way that causes him to place the weight of the world on his shoulders. Of course we also can't forget how another characteristic that is often associated with men is the inability to recognize their own flaws. This in itself stems from repressing one's emotions. After all, in order to acknowledge that you have flaws, you have to first acknowledge that you have vulnerabilities in the first place. And that is something traditional masculinity does not allow. As pointed out above, we see this in Carlos as well. As much as he tends to put the blame for things like their house burning down or the plane crash onto himself when he shouldn't, he also tends to overlook when he actually does play a role in something going wrong. There's a certain comfort that comes with blaming yourself for things that are out of your control. Sometimes a person will blame themselves for something purely bc by doing so it helps them maintain the illusion that they are in control of everything. To admit that there are certain things in life that we don't have control over can be very scary. I can see how it would be like that for Carlos.

I can totally see why Carlos would have bought the loft. When someone goes through something traumatic (regardless of what type of person they are) having as much familiarity around you and being as in control of things as possible is very important. Carlos didn't get that. He must have been really struggling while living with Owen after the fire. In addition to having lost his home and belongings, he had to move in somewhere else that was unfamiliar, someone else would always have been around so he couldn't let his façade slip the way he would have if it had just been him and TK. He wouldn't have even been able to take comfort in taking care of TK the way he usually would bc Owen would have been there to do it instead. On top of that, he was blaming himself for the fire bc he was the one who didn't notice that something was wrong in the first place and didn't have a fire extinguisher in the bedroom. He felt like everything was completely out of his control and he didn't talk to anyone about it so it just kept getting worse. So I can see how he would buy the loft in order to regain that control and regain that confidence in his ability to take care of TK. That said, it was wrong of him to do that without consulting TK about it. TK tends to get a lot of flack bc he's the one who ended things (and yes it's already been acknowledged that he should have stayed and talked) but Carlos was in the wrong here too. And as we see in the hospital scenes in 3x03-3x04, it's something he never acknowledges and instead he just puts all the blame onto TK. I don't think he did that to be malicious. His hurt was totally valid but it also wasn't the full story. I think that Carlos found it easier to pin the blame onto TK bc then he could avoid confronting the reason why he'd bought the loft without talking to him. I really wish we'd gotten to see a conversation about that after Push. Still, you can see the growth throughout s3. Ultimately, I think the breakup actually ended up being a good thing for both of them.

In 3x13, we see him being cold and passive-aggressive towards TK and Cooper. This is another occasion where TK gets a lot of flack but he really didn't do anything wrong here. The only thing that you could even kind of say he could have done better was maybe let Carlos know he would be arriving home late but even then the problem was never about TK coming home late, it was about Carlos feeling like he was being pushed out. He felt that way bc he was being faced with what it really means to be in a relationship with an addict for the very first time. Prior to this, TK was already in a much better place when him and Carlos first got together officially and so Carlos didn't experience the initial recovery period. Now though, he was witnessing what it was like for the first time and learning that this isn't something he can just fix for TK. This is a perfectly normal thing. Anybody who's been in a relationship with someone who deals with chronic mental health issues goes through these feelings bc it's so hard to watch someone you love struggle and not be able to take that pain away. I imagine guilt played a role in this as well since the reason TK relapsed in the first place is bc yet again someone broke into their home to hurt them. And this time, the consequences were even worse. Carlos was probably also feeling guilty that he hadn't seen through Sadie right away. Also, as we have acknowledged, Carlos is a caretaker and TK is the person he wants to take care of the most. It's totally understandable why he felt like he was being shut out in 3x13. That said, just bc something is understandable doesn't mean that it's right. Carlos's passive-aggression and coldness wasn't right. But Carlos did learn. He listened to what TK was saying to him during the dinner table scene and when he truly saw how much TK was struggling, he realized that he couldn't just fix this and that he had to let TK take the lead in his recovery. He realized that just bc he can't fill the role a sponsor can doesn't mean that he can't be there in other ways. Like putting a pizza in the oven and leaving him to talk to his sponsor alone. That moment where TK tells Carlos he loves him and Carlos replies with "I know" is him telling TK that he gets it now.

In s4, we had Carlos tell TK on his own about his marriage to Iris rather than trying to fix it himself in secret. I know a lot of people wish he'd acknowledged how the secret would have hurt TK but I do understand why he chose to spiral about being a bad friend to Iris instead. It would be a lot easier to focus on being a bad friend to someone he hadn't seen in years than focus on the hurt he would have caused to the one person he plans to spend the rest of his life with and who he has always been so determined to take care of. I also understand people being upset with how Carlos behaved in 4x03. I agree that the way he behaved was very wrong. TK did absolutely nothing wrong and was already drowning in guilt and seeing Carlos behave that way only made that guilt worse. But Carlos was also blaming himself. He was thinking that something must have set Iris off and was blaming himself for not noticing. He was probably also remembering what it was like the last time Iris went missing bc nobody had noticed the signs. The way Carlos behaved was entirely in character. He became cold, passive aggressive and so consumed with finding Iris he forgot about everything else. Honestly, I didn't like the way he intimidated the guy with the sex doll but I also wasn't surprised. This isn't the first time we've seen Carlos become so consumed with a case that he gets tunnel vision. This is just the first time we've seen it play out in a negative light. As I said, I do understand why he behaved the way he did in that episode but I also don't think it was right. Again, I do wish we had gotten a conversation about it but I'm not surprised we didn't. I know Rafa said that what happened will affect the way Carlos deals with things going forward and we still have half the season left so I guess we'll see. I will say that Carlos is more of a man of action rather than words (even though there are times where words are just as necessary as actions) so expecting a direct conversation is probably not realistic. And honestly? I think that's ok as long as TK is able to understand when Carlos is conveying an apology through his actions. And TK clearly does.

Carlos also clearly has a thing about pleasing authority figures. He's so anxious when it comes to pleasing his parents and it took him so long to become truly comfortable around Owen. Interestingly, he doesn't really have this problem when it comes to those he considers his equals. We don't see him struggling to please the 126 at all. He's always relaxed and informal around them. Even with TK, as much as he wants to be everything for him, he's never really stressed out about impressing him. Even back in 1x03 when TK was stewing over Judd, Carlos had no problem calling him out and poking fun at him. At that point, he had no way of knowing if TK would get mad at that and leave. Especially considering what happened last time he attempted to set up a date for them. Yet he still called TK out over it. So he clearly doesn't have a problem with people in general. It's mainly authority figures whether they are parental or at his job.

I know we all enjoyed 4x08 so much bc of all the wedding planning shenanigans. It also brings back Carlos's need to please authority figures in a more comedic light. This need obviously stems from his need to please his father who is an authority figure in more ways than one. Since Carlos never felt like he got that approval from his own father, it's not surprising he would turn that need towards other authority figures. We see this with Owen constantly. It took forever for Carlos to even get to the point where he could call Owen by his name considering he calls his own father sir. It shows a lot of growth that he's gotten to the point where he can tell Owen not to be ridiculous like he did in 4x06. Clearly he still struggles with letting go of that need to please completely considering he had to get his mother involved to get Owen to back off and in the end it was TK who finally snapped. A lot of it is also down to the fact that Owen gave him the approval that he was looking for when his dad didn't so it's perfectly understandable that Carlos wouldn't want to lose that. Judd's little anecdote about his own FIL probably didn't help.

I am so very glad that at least Andrea has acknowledged that they hurt Carlos with how they behaved when he came out. I honestly wasn't sure if this would ever be addressed at all. I know a lot of people love that we finally got confirmation that Carlos does have sisters. Tbh, I wasn't shocked bc I kind of always had that feeling. It just made sense to me just like TK being an only child did. Obviously we still don't know whether they are older or younger but I could see it going either way. On one hand, Carlos being the oldest would explain why he feels so much pressure when it comes to pleasing his parents. It would also explain his caretaker instincts bc he would have grown up taking care of his sisters. Also, Carlos does not give off youngest child energy to me. That said, it could also be that he feels that pressure bc he's the only male child and there is still a lot of pressure with that in a traditional household. Coming from a relatively similar background myself, I can attest to this. Actually, Carlos's caretaker tendency can still be explained if he grew up in a household of women older than him bc he would still have been witnessing that nurture. Plus, even if he was the youngest, as the only boy he probably would still have been expected to be the one protecting and taking care of all the women. Think of that old movie trope of the dying father telling his young son to take care of his mother. I know a lot of people are also wondering why his sisters wouldn't have helped him more if he was the youngest. That's a valid question. I do wonder though if Carlos would have even let him help them. We've seen Carlos grow in terms of letting people in but I would imagine he was a lot worse about it when he was younger. He could have seen his parents reaction to him coming out and decided to just shut even his sisters out as well. Still though, I am so glad that he had Iris when he was younger. I know so many of us felt so sad at the thought of him being so alone so it's nice to know that he at least had Iris before she went missing who he could open up to. Iris wasn't wrong about her and TK being a lot alike even if her view on the relationship was colored by her view on herself.

We see a lot of growth on both sides during the couch scene in 4x02 when TK is struggling after speaking to Iris. Instead of shutting down or lashing out, TK opens up to Carlos about how he's feeling. Obviously, the issue was never about Iris (hence why Iris is never mentioned) but about the insecurities that were reawakened after talking to her. But TK voices them to Carlos and Carlos is able to see that TK is genuinely upset when he says that maybe getting married is a bad idea. Carlos realizes that TK isn't saying that he doesn't want to get married but rather is struggling with something that has made him voice that thought. And instead of cracking a joke or trying to change the subject, he walks over to TK and gets him to talk. And once he's heard what TK said, he opens up too so that TK can feel less alone in his thoughts. He tells TK (probably for the first time) how he felt broken bc he could never accept how he really was and how meeting TK changed that. We see them as a united team in that entire episode and especially in that scene.

For all his repression and need to be in control, Carlos is actually the best case scenario. The absolute worst thing he does is get passive-aggressive. I think we all know that the consequences of repression can often be much worse. Despite having been raised to never show emotion, Carlos has never stopped anyone else from doing so and is always there to comfort others. And even though he may struggle to recognize his mistakes at times, once they are pointed out to him he does apologize in some form even if it's not always verbal.

We do see Carlos growing throughout the entire show. We see him letting not only TK in but others as well. Obviously, meeting TK wasn't some magical cure to his repression and internalized homophobia but it's what led him to want to open up and let people in. It's what led him to seek out a life beyond anything he could have ever imagined before that. We see him branching out in s2 as he gets closer to the 126. Before TK, Carlos would probably have never let himself get close to so many people. And he enjoys being close to them. He enjoys hosting their hangouts and goofing around with them. He's still reserved bc that's just who he is but he's also a lot more relaxed than the version of him we saw in s1. The Carlos we see as the show progresses is a far cry from the young Carlos who married a woman bc he hoped that it would make him acceptable in the eyes of his parents. Who felt that there was something wrong with him bc of who he loved. Who shut himself away from others bc he was so afraid of not being accepted.

I do wish more fans would be able to acknowledge that Carlos is a complex character with flaws. To me, that's what makes characters interesting and Carlos is very interesting to me. My problem has never been with Carlos having flaws but with the way people reacted to those flaws being explored. I really don't like how when the marriage was revealed people decided to look for someone else to blame rather than acknowledge that Carlos had done something wrong by keeping secret. I've said before that I really think it took Carlos unequivocally being the one in the wrong without TK being there to pin the blame on for people to confront his flaws. But it looks like some people are still struggling with that. When TK handled the news so well and people obviously couldn't pin the blame on him, they decided to pin it on Iris. Even though Iris was the one who was in a state of psychosis for years and living on the streets. Even after she got help, Iris would still have far too much to deal with to be thinking about a marriage to a friend that she hadn't even seen in years. She probably thought Carlos had moved on already. And even though TK handled the news so well, people still looked for ways to blame him for Carlos not telling him by bringing up past conflicts that had nothing to do with the situation or just randomly looking for reasons. More than anything else, I really don't like how certain people decided to take their anger to the actors. I'm so glad that Rafa decided to repost the picture he had to delete after getting hate and I loved seeing Ronen showing his support. This isn't the first time this has happened. I know Ronen has gotten a lot of hate for various things regarding TK and Tim had to delete his Twitter account bc he kept getting people hating on TK. And then he got so much hate on FB for the marriage storyline that he felt he had to make a post about it. I think Tim was within his rights to make that FB post even if I do wish he would at least have acknowledged the plot holes. There is never a reason to go after actors who are only doing their jobs. Let's remember that actors are humans too and just bc they are being paid to do something doesn't mean that they aren't affected by the hate they get. We should be able to acknowledge that a character we love has flaws. If you ask me, to act like Carlos is perfect and to get upset at the idea of him having flaws is a disservice to Rafa and everything he puts into Carlos. I love Carlos bc he is such an amazing, complex yet flawed character. He doesn't need to be perfect bc human beings aren't perfect and we should be able to accept that.

#911 on fox #911 lone star #911 lone star s1 #911 lone star s2 #911 lone star s3 #911 lone star s4 #carlos reyes #tk strand #tarlos #owen strand #gabriel reyes #andrea reyes #iris blake #character meta

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