#70 points of healing!

[retrokid616]

me looking at trists everlight god art like

[lynnetendo]

TRIED DRAWING SIFFRIN FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! FINDING MY STYLE FOR FUTURE ISAT FANART BLAH BLAH!!! NEED TO PRACTISE DRAWING SIF. SIF IS INEVITABLE

[soupy-sez]

Interview With The Vampire, S01E01

[unnamed-idi0t]

Been thinking bout trying out Blocktales + Foresaken lately, what r they about I'm curious,, :0

Well I've played blocktales like. Once. And it's pretty good! Just not my cup of tea. So I can't rlly give much on that

BUT FORSAKEN. oh boyyy I've been OBSESSED for like a couple days now AGRHRHRHRGHRHRHR it's a survival game where there's a killer and at most like 8 survivors, each killed has their own abilities and each survivor has their own as well :)

You complete tasks to lower time, and the killer can raise time by killing survivors (so to play you kinda have to target and pick off people one by one)

You start out with noob and Jason and can buy new characters later. There are survivalists, people that can stun, and support.

I personally play Guest 1337 but sometimes switch to Elliot or 007n7 (though I've been trying to get the Chance badge lol)

[madlori]

My ankle journey

I am sharing this with all you good people on the dash because I am so fucking mad it took so long for me to learn it and if I can spare one (1) person the agony it will be worth it.

So for like...oh, 8 or 9 months, I've been struggling with pain/inflammation/tendinitis in my left Achilles tendon. I don't know what caused it. It just started up (welcome to middle age, this shit happens). It wasn't severe enough to be debilitating, but it was annoying and limiting. It was also intermittent, in that some days it would be very painful and other days hardly at all. The kind of shoe I was wearing affected it a lot.

Now, I have bone spurs on both heels (it's just a thing that happens as you get older sometimes). I'm also aware that heel pain is usually the result of tight calf muscles that pull and irritate the tendon. I tried stretching that calf muscle. You know the stretch, this bitch right here:

I did it all the time. I also iced the ankle after walking for awhile, hoping to avoid inflammation. Results were...unsatisfying.

I went to:

A chiropractor

A podiatrist

A physical therapist

A bodywork coach

They all gave me some variation on the "strengthen your calf muscle, stretch your calf muscle" advice. I continued doing this without results.

I was getting frustrated, and a little afraid that this was just my life now. Finally, I thought...maybe some targeted massage might help. I asked for rec on a local FB site and was pointed to a woman who specializes in therapeutic massage including cupping, etc.

I went to her a week ago.

She spent over half our first session working on my left lower leg. Within about 10 minutes of making my eyes water, she uttered the sentence I did not know I had been waiting to hear:

"Oh, it's your soleus."

Excuse me, what?

"It's your soleus that's the culprit. It's all tied up and stiff." She started digging into it and I felt literal sparks run up my leg as she released adhesions and got the muscle moving a little. When she finally put the leg down, it felt like it was on fire with all the blood rushing into it.

She said, "You'll need to stretch your soleus. It'll clear up, but it'll take a bit of time - tendons take ages to heal."

But I HAVE been stretching.

"No, you haven't. The usual straight-leg calf stretch only stretches the gastrocnemius, that's the big belly muscle in your calf. That's not your problem. That stretch doesn't stretch the soleus. Don't worry, I'll show you how to stretch it."

My mind is spinning.

So here are the muscles in question:

The gastroc (as the pros call it) just attaches down the back but the soleus runs underneath it from the knee around the side to the heel. The lower part above the ankle is where it typically gets tight and forms adhesions.

To stretch it, you do the same calf thing where you put your foot back and press your heel to the ground, but you have to do it with your KNEE BENT:

The bent knee keeps the gastroc from engaging. It's one of those selfish muscles (like traps) - if you give it an inch, it'll just take over and prevent other muscles from working or stretching. There are other ways to stretch the soleus but this is the easiest and you can literally do it anywhere. I've been doing it while standing and waiting for things (the elevator to come, the toast to toast). You just put the heel back and bend the knee. It's kind of like curtseying.

The minute I did this stretch, I could FEEL where it was pulling on my tendon. I knew that THIS had been the problem.

The massage therapist also told me to stop icing my heel. She said icing is for an acute injury, but a more chronic aggravation needs heat, to increase blood flow for healing. She recommended elevation with heat every day (I've been doing it in bed during "phone before bed" time).

I have been doing the soleus stretch at least half a dozen times a day for almost a week, and the ankle is at least 70% better. It is still a little tight and tender, but the improvement is significant. I think a few more weeks will have it feeling normal.

I am...blown away by this. This massage therapist was able to pinpoint an issue in only a few minutes that eluded all the other professionals I saw. I can't wait to go back to her and have her solve all my other problems, tbh.

[thebutchprinxe]

hate that i’ve lost most of these four first months of the year to grief

[simpjaes]

✘ WIP DIARY ── LAST NIGHT, I READ YOUR DIARY. (p.sh) ✘

Sunghoon has been trying be everything you need since your mother passed. A father, a friend, a therapist. You never really understood what your mother saw in him in the first place, if you’re being honest. He’s awkward, quiet, and typically used to keep to himself up until now. You’re impressed with his efforts by the time you’re entering into your senior year of college, though his entire demeanor towards you seems to have changed.  or the one where your step-father grows obsessed with you minute by minute. 

── step-dad /weirdo park sunghoon x afab reader  

── minors dni

── tags: sunghoon is in his 30s, reader is in her 20s so, age gap, step-cest, heartbreak, obsession, manipulation, coercion, stockholm syndrome-ish, fluff if he manipulates you as a reader lmfao, angst, smut. don't read this if you are easily triggered. ── side characters: heeseung as reader's ex boyfriend, jay as reader's closest friend

── !WARNINGS!: this work contains non-con, dub-con, and stalking behavior. your mom isn’t alive in this fic. warnings will be updated as i write.

── a/n: this one is gonna be a wild ride, that's all i gotta say.

LAST UPDATED: 5.12.25

⨯ est wordcount: 30k+ ⨯ current wordcount: 22k ⨯ est release date: june 2025 for patreon, public release date is still tbd ⨯ completion: 70% of 100% ⨯ scenes written: 13 of 16

⨯ TAGLIST IS NOW CLOSED. if you asked to be on it and you're not, please comment on this post! some of you may have been lost!

15k is now available to read on patreon! UPDATED REVIEW 5.8k:

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Your first heartbreak is meant to be painful, but this? This is more painful than you could have imagined after what you’ve already gone through. 

Heeseung was one of your only constants in life. From childhood to high school it’s like he was there more than anyone else was, and certainly more than your own father. Even when your mother passed, Heeseung was the one who held you through it, he’s the one who made you smile again, he’s the one who made you feel like it was okay to heal and keep going despite the horrifying truth of your life. 

It’s the fact that it was a “mutual” break up that hurts the most because deep down, you couldn’t see yourself without him at that point. Yet, still, you willingly watched him hop on the plane with a short kiss and long goodbye. It felt so final to you. You could have handled a long distance relationship, truly. But Heeseung didn’t want that. He wanted to explore the world, he wanted to try new things, be with new people. 

He wanted to do things without you clinging to him all the time. 

In a way, you understand that. After all, you’re the only girl he had ever been with up until now. Senior year of college. You think you knew your relationship was coming to an end by the time he announced he was going to be studying abroad for his final year without ever once even telling you he was applying to do so. 

So, yeah, it was mutual solely because you want him to be happy and he’s made it clear that he believes that can only happen without you. Such is life. Painful, painful fucking life.  

You can’t imagine being the light in someone’s life anyway.

Just last year when your mother passed, you nearly dropped out and Heeseung had been your rock to make it through class after class with a grade barely high enough to pass. You’re certain some of your professors took pity on you and raised your grade just enough to move forward. You’ll forever thank them for recognizing how hard you were trying to hold it together. But now? Without your mother, without Heeseung, you’re at a loss.

And there’s a difference between loneliness and isolation, you think. Loneliness to you always hits hard during small spaces in your day, like when you’d get into Heeseung’s car and he would close your door for you. The silence always hurt your ears while he was still making his way around the car to the driver’s seat. A shallow loneliness that you could feel right at the top of your gut, like it was squeezing inside of you and making you lose your appetite. Solely because that silence reminded you of what you always had, a lack of loneliness because of him.

But then there’s isolation. Where it feels forced upon you by other people. Your mother fucking died, Heeseung fucking left, and now you’re just here expected to wake up like you always do, go to class, study hard, sleep well, when the reality of it is– you’re genuinely struggling just to look at yourself in the mirror. 

Then there’s Sunghoon. The only person close enough to you now that you can reach out to. The issue with that is you’ve never actually been close. And that’s what sucks. The fact that he of all people is all you have now? May as well just assume you have nobody.

His regular calls meant close to nothing to you in the grand scheme of things. Despite him calling twice a week every week since your mother died, your step-father is just as distanced from you as you are him. You’re aware that it’s his obligation, not because he cares. And that hurts, because it’s all you have now. 

Now, you have to try and find meaning in those short calls. After all, Sunghoon fell apart when your mother passed all on his own, with no one beside him. You had only called him out of obligation too. You were already in college and stressed, falling apart yourself with someone to love beside you helping you through it. Calling him when it all happened felt empty because you knew both of you were trying to hold it together and save face. 

It wasn’t like this before she died. In fact, he never called and you never cared for him to. You’d see each other when you were home, share awkward pleasantries, and that’s it. It’s hard to believe that now you feel like you need a father, after all those years of practically rejecting him as one. He seemed fine with the rejection after you hit your teen years. He knew by then that he could never be the father you want, but at least he could be the husband your mother needed.

You have grief in common now though. Loneliness. Isolation.

You try not to think about how you were okay up until now. Having Heeseung to fall back on to soften the blow of your loss, you guess Sunghoon didn’t have that. Maybe his monotone voice and empty words through phone calls were his way of coping, a way of hearing a voice that wasn’t the one in his own head. 

It’s just you and a man you never considered family past the titles and obligatory respects. Finding meaning in his short phone calls does nothing to help your growing isolation, but you cling to them now that Heeseung is gone. You wait for the calls, you ask him to check in with you every day now, to the point Sunghoon starts to notice the difference in you.

No longer rushing to get off the phone. Now, you’re dragging on meaningless conversations. Now, he hears cracks in your voice. 

“You feeling okay?” Sunghoon asks you, in a way that makes you wonder how he’s able to tell that you’re definitely not. The way his own voice has a bit of life to it when he asks it is…strange too. Like he’s concerned. 

“No–” You trail off in your meek voice, staring at your ceiling and mind swirling with all of the work you need to get done for classes already. “I’ve only been in classes for a week and I already feel like I’m drowning.” 

Sunghoon sighs into the speaker, contemplating how to further the conversation with you in a way that isn’t too intrusive. After all, who is he to pry? Still, he never intended for you to feel neglected or like you couldn’t come to him. After all, you were too happy about his lack of parenting you throughout his presence in your life. 

He finds solace in the fact that you’ve been accepting him now, though he hasn’t the slightest idea as to why. He’s checked in with you since the passing, but lately it feels to him like something more is going on with you. He may be somewhat estranged, and he may have his own problems to deal with, but you’re still someone he needs to be here for. 

Plus, it makes him feel needed again, which is nice considering the circumstances. After living in this bustling house with you and your mom for so long, to it just being him and your mom, to now just him…all that remains now is dread, dissociation, and his own thoughts.

“Did something happen?” Sunghoon keeps his questions short, offering more silence if anything for you to use this call as a therapy session if you need. 

You pause for a long moment, realizing that you want to talk about your issues so badly but don’t quite feel the need to share it with him, of all people. You’ve already ranted day after day to Jay. To the point you’re sure he’s about one rant away from blocking your number. 

Probably because you’re not that close to him either. Not these days, anyway.

You sigh instead. 

“No…” You trail off. “I think I just miss being home. My dorm mate is never here, class work is already piling up, and I can’t even find the energy to look at the assignments.” 

Sunghoon can tell you’re feeling much like he does and he can’t imagine the weight on your shoulders dealing with these feelings while also in college. Sure, he has work, but it comes easy when he doesn’t even need to leave the house for it. When he’s the boss, and when he has people to practically do his job for him. You don’t have that. 

But, you have Heeseung, do you not? It appears to him that you’ve been doing okay until now, and you haven’t even brought him up. Not once in the past few weeks has his name been uttered by you. Which is strange, after all, the two of you were practically attached at the hip growing up, to the point of choosing the same college, working the same jobs, and even keeping that middle-school puppy love in full swing throughout highschool and college. 

If anything, after your mother passed, Sunghoon felt okay knowing you had Heeseung there with you to help you through it. It meant he could focus on himself and get through the day-to-day. He could barely handle his own mournful thoughts, let alone the daughter’s feelings of the woman he loved so dearly. He was forever grateful for Heeseung during this time. 

He has his suspicions now though, and his heart aches for the voice he hears from you these days. 

“Why don’t you come home for a while?” He lends a pause to see if you’ll jump for the opportunity before selling the idea to you. “I have the bills here covered and your campus is only a forty minute drive. I’m sure that’s inconvenient but you won’t have bills to worry about on top of everything else.” He doesn’t want to sound too desperate, of course. 

After all, the loneliness he’s feeling is also becoming unbearable. Even if the two of you never were able to see eye to eye, or to form a bond together, you’re all he has left of your mother. He, arguably, is nothing to you, but there’s no one else in this world he’d rather heal the loneliness with outside of you. Only because you knew your mother on a level deeper than he did, and to have someone to share those memories with, or even laugh with, would help him tremendously too.

“I think being at home may do you some good.” 

You think it over in your head, wondering if being home will help you at all. In reality, you know it may make you feel more trapped than you do now. All those memories with your mother, with Heeseung, with all of your friends that have since moved to different colleges. 

But…you wouldn’t be alone. You’d be with someone who knows how to give you space because he’s never even tried to shrink your existence to that of your bedroom and your bedroom alone. You wouldn’t have to worry about rent, food, or anything aside from studies, gas money, and trying to heal from your heartbreak. 

Your dorm is small, you note as you look around the room and wonder how long it would take you to pack your things up. Two hours, give or take. The longest part would be taking all of the little decorations off the wall, if you’re being honest. 

You find yourself nodding before answering, solidifying in your mind that– maybe you’re not the only one who needs company in your space. Not too close, but close enough to not be totally isolated. 

“Okay.” You mutter into the phone, for some reason feeling the tears well up behind your eyes. 

You’re just a bit overwhelmed, that’s all. Knowing you’re going home feels like a relief you didn’t know you needed. 

“Yeah?” Sunghoon confirms. “Just let me know when and I’ll drive up there to help get your stuff back home.” 

You agree, sighing into the phone with a shaking voice. Sunghoon takes note of it, always remembering and quite frankly missing how loud and obnoxious you used to be. Hearing you like this pains him. He wants to help. Now more than ever is his chance to be someone you need, and he hates knowing he hasn’t already become that person for you.

Getting to be your father now? It feels awkward, but at least it’s a feeling other than loss. 

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Sunghoon sighs at you through the speaker. “I know I’m not someone you like coming to but–well, I’d like for you to rely on me more, okay?” 

You find a lot of comfort in those words, despite hearing him say them time and time again. This is the first time he’s ever shown that he means it through the offer of bringing you home, rather than just saying it and accepting whatever you say back to him at face value. 

“I know…” You trail off. “I’m okay though, really.” 

Sunghoon hates himself for never forcing you to accept him. Sure, there may have been some teenage defiance towards him, but eventually the two of you could have seen eye to eye. He could have been someone you needed. You could have relied on him too, rather than just Heeseung. That’s all he can really think right now. If there was ever a good time to do this, it was probably a year ago, the second best time is now. 

“Are you sure there’s nothing else going on?” The man nearly pleads in his tone, desperate to have someone rely on him again. “I’ve never heard you sound so exhausted before, I can’t help but worry.”

You’d tell him, but honestly, what grown ass man wants to hear about a first heartbreak? It would just get awkward again, he’d just feel obligated to do something about it, and worse, he might end up feeling like he’s supposed to dislike Heeseung now. 

You choose to remain silent in the final straw that broke your back this semester. 

“Really, I’m just tired.” You nod to yourself as you hold your phone loosely against your ear. “I might not go to class tomorrow and just pack instead. I’ll just call you when I’m ready, is that okay?”

Sunghoon smiles to himself, wanting to mean something to you in a way that can hopefully help you out of this slump. Your mother would be throwing a fit if she heard how you’ve been sounding, he can’t help but take over that role and try to make damn sure you are okay. 

“That’s fine,” Sunghoon confirms. “I’ll call and let them know what’s going on so don’t worry about any of that. Just get yourself ready to come back home.” 

You find yourself smiling, relieved that you don’t have to be the one to contact your school and tell them that…well, you’re breaking your student-lease, dropping your food plan, and need to be reimbursed for partial tuition costs since Sunghoon insists every semester that you purchase tuition insurance. You should no longer be charged to live on campus, or for the facilities within the dorm. 

Knowing you’ll at least get back a couple thousand dollars is a nice change of pace, and already you’re feeling weirdly excited to go back to a space that will likely make you miss your mother more. It’ll hurt, but at least you won’t be alone.

The forty minute drive to campus feels less horrifying now, and maybe your friends will still come and hang out with you in your actual home rather than a tiny dorm. 

“Sounds good.” You say, as if to end the call before you mutter out again. “Thank you, by the way. Sunghoon, really.” 

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sunghoon knew he was spiraling further and further into his loneliness. He knew it wasn’t healthy either, but now. Oh, now he realizes just how bad it’s gotten as he demonizes himself upon picking you up. 

You haven’t come home since your mother’s funeral, and even on that day he barely remembers what you looked like. Eye contact was never a thing for him, but looking at you now, he sees how much you’ve matured since you went off to college. Truly sees it.

Your once bright, excited eyes have turned dull and empty. The bags under them are heavy from lack of sleep. Your lips appear to be in a permanent state of pouting, though he isn’t sure if you’ve noticed. You appear to have lost weight, which is concerning for him of course, but…there’s something else about you.

Something that sits in the pit of his stomach and rots.

“Uh–” You cough, noting the way Sunghoon looks at you as you try to hand him a large box. “Thank you for helping me move my stuff back…” 

Sunghoon snaps out of his thoughts, grabbing a heavy box and then waiting for you to stack another on top. 

“No big deal,” He mutters, feeling the weight in his hands double as he prepares to carefully carry your things out to his car. “You haven’t been home in a while so, I’ve fixed up your room for you and went ahead and connected my gaming system in there.”

You nod quietly, feeling awkward for how fatherly he seems.

“Thanks…” You trail off, flopping a pile of your things into his trunk before stopping to look at him. “You look like shit.”

Sunghoon furrows his brows, noticing for a split second how that facial expression you made is very similar to one his wife used to throw at him when he’d have hair out of place, or a wardrobe malfunction. And then he smiles. 

“You’re not looking too good yourself.” He jokes out to you with a small, breathy laugh.

You smile back at him, feeling a bit of the awkward air fizzle away. 

“Well, I’m not doing well, so.” 

You were continuing the joke, but his face falls before yours does. 

“You can talk to me–” He starts.

“I know, I know.” You wave him off. “I’ll feel a lot better once we get back and I can settle in.

There’s a nod from him now, and then silence as the two of you continue to put the rest of your belongings into both his car and your own. 

“Well, I guess I’ll see you in a bit?” You say now, awkwardly.

Sunghoon nods, looking you over once again.

“See you in a bit.” 

   ・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Shame.

Pure fucking shame. 

Sunghoon knew he needed another presence in this house but upon seeing you again, he knew that this may have been a mistake. 

He likes to think of himself as level headed. He’s never gotten into any trouble, never had a stray thought, never cheated, lied, or stole anything. He can’t think of a single thing that he’s done in life to be considered taboo.  But simply looking at you feels…incorrect?

Indecent? 

You’re his step-daughter for fuck sake but it’s the fact that you don’t feel like you are. When he looks at you, he just sees another person. He did this to help you, he did this to feel needed, to be your fucking father. 

He did not do this to look at you this way or to feel his eye stray even without his intention. Why do you look so much like her? Why do you do that thing with your pinky when you carry things like she did? You even have a similar smell, probably having picked up on your mother’s habits throughout childhood. 

You being here…It’s like she’s still here. Except it’s you, and he can’t be thinking this way yet his mind still spirals. Already he’s caught himself nearly calling out her name rather than yours when your back is turned to him.

And for you, it just feels…too nostalgic right now. Walking through the door for the first time and not being able to see your mother running to greet you. 

Ouch. It’s like your body reacted, dropping everything in your hands to expect a hug, only to feel and see nothing while Sunghoon bumped into your back by accident with your things.

“Oh– Sorry.” He said briefly, stepping back and trying not to drop your boxes. 

You moved quickly out of his way, stepping into the room and grabbing a box from him. The smell in the house hit you harder than anything though. It still smells like her perfume, you suspect Sunghoon must be spraying it quite often for it to be this strong. 

It’s suffocating. So much so that it takes every ounce of energy for you to gather the rest of your things to put them in your room without your eyes burning with tears. Only able to breathe one full breath when the bedroom door is closed and your window is open. 

This is not how you cope. Still being able to smell her hurts, despite knowing it’s nothing more than a too-expensive bottle of perfume you can buy from any high end store. It’s more than that to you, and more than that to Sunghoon. It’s her. 

That scent he had grown accustomed to does not assault his nostrils, if at all, his skin burns when the air isn’t polluted by it. Still, unaware of why, Sunghoon had noted the rush in your step. He tries to pay no mind to the way you lock yourself behind that door, knowing you’re needing to settle in before he makes any effort to be who you need right now. After all, his mind is struggling to be a good father right now too. He needs the distance just like you do.

And what exactly does being a good father entail, exactly? Give you your space, make sure you’re fed, throw around a few shitty jokes? Fuck if he knows. All he can do is try to pretend that this isn’t awkward. That his mind isn’t going in fifteen different directions regarding this situation as a whole. Ten of those directions being…well, not savory for most.

Intrusive thoughts. That’s new, even for him. 

So, he lets you stay in that room walls away, and he mimics the action himself by closing himself in his own bedroom that he’s grown to despise. Alone again, empty, lying in a bed that always felt so full until she was no longer here. 

The walls, empty of photos because he struggled to look at them day after day. The scent of her perfume is still in the air by his own doing. Nothing has changed for the better, even with you just down the hallway. And you can argue that you feel the same.

Then again, expecting an immediate change is more insane than the two of your struggling minds put together. 

Already, you miss the tiny dorm room you just abandoned. There weren't many places to cry in there, but here there’s far too many corners with memories, far too many walls and windows to contemplate while you stare off. Much like him, much much like Sunghoon, it just feels…worse.

You find yourself lying down on your childhood bed trying not to kick and scream. You remember the last time you had a tantrum in this bed and the reasoning feels so small to you now as you anticipate the bubbled feeling of loss claw and scratch at your chest. Your mother wouldn’t let Heeseung sleep over, even though you offered to leave the door open and promised that there would be no funny business.

He was so happy with you back then, cheeky and mischievous smirks at each lie you’d tell your mother. You both knew the door would fall shut by “accident” like it had done so many times before. 

Funny how the two who caused that tantrum are no part of you now outside of fond memory and pain. Even funnier how the tantrum you could throw now would end far more dangerously, with ripped sheets and broken windows. 

You just cry quietly instead, pushing the assignments you still need to try and prioritize to the back of your mind, hoping that this short one week break from classes will help you get your head screwed on straight. 

 ・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

The days blur together during your time off, pretending to laugh and enjoy conversation with a step-father you barely know well enough for it to be real. It became routine after the first day, which is kind of helpful because routine is what you need right now. 

Something to focus on, something to keep you from wondering where it all went wrong for the last light in your life to flicker itself out so willingly. Still, you wonder where Heeseung’s head has been since your mother’s passing. You must have grown to be too much for him, too heavy of a burden on his shoulders to stay much longer with you through it. 

You appreciate him if that’s how he felt, because you really had no idea. He was always so gentle, loving, and kind towards you. Never changed in any way, or even acted as if he was hiding anything. That– you think, proves that in some way, he does truly love you. Or, did love you. Just not in the way you need. 

He may not have enough love in his body to stabilize someone like you. Someone who is entirely unbalanced on this earth. And when you look at Sunghoon sometimes, you wonder how much he loved your mother, or how he got through it without someone to constantly exhaust with his mournful antics like you did. 

The circles under his eyes and that permanent furrow in his brow shows the stress he’s been living with. You never thought he could appear more dull and lifeless even before she passed, but now. Now he looks dull. Now he truly looks lifeless, lost, maybe even as if he died with her. There’s part of you that feels bad over how you thought of him previously compared to now because of it. Thinking back, there was so much more life in him, and probably so much of him to enjoy from your mother’s perspective. You just never cared to see it. 

You missed the chance to see what it is about Sunghoon to love, and now all you can see is a shell of a person who made your mother the happiest she had ever been, if you can call it that. You know it wasn’t Sunghoon’s fault, if anything, he’s the reason she held on for so long. 

And you note the house’s condition more and more as you wander around, almost like this isn’t your own childhood home. It’s pristine now, in immaculate condition. Never has the house been this clean, and perhaps that’s why you feel like you don’t entirely belong anymore. It doesn’t feel like it has been lived in. You don’t know how he finds the energy to keep the place clean after the nature of your mother’s death came to light. Or even how to stay in this house at all, in that bedroom, sleeping on that bed. 

He’s still hurting. Maybe even more than you.

The worst part of it is that you truly felt like you were healing when Heeseung was with you, but it turns out, he was just a bandaid and a distraction. He didn’t like seeing you sad, so he wouldn’t let you feel those things if he could help it. You couldn’t mourn, you didn’t want to mourn. 

Now you have to. 

It’s hard to truly believe you were healing only to find out that you haven’t faced the loss of your mother at all and now you’re forced to face not only her passing, but Heeseung prying you off of him and moving out of the country just to get away from you.

He still loves you, right? He doesn’t resent you…right?

It’s just you and Sunghoon now, hopefully you can get through it together. So, you try. You try to use some of your time to spend with him, to genuinely laugh at his jokes, and mock his attempts to pretend that the two of you have always been close just for the sake of pretending like a family. 

No smile reaches the eye though, for either of you.

It feels easier as the days pass though, up until you’ve got only two days left before you need to start going back to campus. You spend them trying to make the days lighter. Opening windows to erase the scent of your mother, because in all fairness… seeing Sunghoon discreetly spray her perfume every morning is really, really heartbreaking. Additionally, you’re trying to let the dishes pile up in the sink and practically plead with Sunghoon to just…leave them. 

Let the house be a mess for once. No more nervous cleaning, no more busying yourself with things that don’t matter. No more, no more.

And it’s like hell for him seeing you try so hard to feel okay, but he relents to your pleas of letting the house become a mess. His hands itch to clean, but his heart burns knowing that if you feel better, maybe he will too. Even with the scent of your mother wafting out the windows into the big, horrifying world, he tries to stay away from that bottle of perfume too. He misses her so much that it nearly crippled his brain. 

Somehow, you’re bringing a type of normalcy back despite the dark thoughts that he doesn’t allow to surface. Still, there’s a long way to go with this, it seems. He knows all too well how you fall apart once your bedroom door is closed. The effort from you is endearing during the daylight hours though, and he softens up at you everytime. 

Yet, those hidden tears aren’t just for your mother and he knows it. There is something else happening. 

“So, how has Heeseung been?” Sunghoon asks over dinner. A shitty bag of takeout mending both of you bite by bite. 

He doesn’t notice at first the way you fall silent, awkward again as if it’s still the first day you came home. 

“Oh–” You come up with excuses, with lies. “He’s taking a semester off to see his mom. Guess what happened rattled him a bit too, wanted to hug her and stuff.”

Sunghoon’s gaze stays on you as you avoid eye contact. You’re lying, he knows it. He remembers your mother always calling you on your little lies when you still lived here too. “She always curls her pinky and ring finger when she’s lying.” She had chuckled to him back when she still had a twinkle of hope in her eyes. He recalls how you slammed your door that night, lying about being with Heeseung when you said you were with your very obvious not-best-friend. 

Your mother would have let you go, but you were just a teenager and she had to at least pretend to parent you. Sunghoon loved watching her do it. All the laughs that came out of it, learning about you through her and her alone. 

Now, he sees your hands on top of the table and he focuses on that pinky and ring finger curling into your fist. Such a small action telling on you.

 The point is, Heeseung wouldn’t just up and leave you like that, not in a million years, Sunghoon thinks as he remembers the sheer amount of times he’s met the boy. In fact, it was rare to see you without Heeseung. 

“I see…” He trails off, taking another bite of his food before washing it down with a gulp of soda. “Has he called you?” 

You feel it in your stomach, the fact that you’ve even avoided asking yourself that question. Because no, of course he hasn’t. And he probably hasn’t because he knew you didn’t want to break up despite pretending it was okay. It’s for you, he’s giving you space. It’s not because he doesn’t care.

“Yeah,” You nod, trying to mask yourself to be perfectly fine. “The other day he called super late and I was already asleep so we didn’t really get to talk.”

“Does he know you’ve moved back home?”

You nod slowly, wishing that Sunghoon would go back to not really caring about what’s going on in your life.

“Yep.” You lie again. “Seems pretty happy about it, said he thought it would help me since he’s not around anymore.”

Unfortunately, you don’t notice the slight slip of your tongue. He’s not around anymore. That sounds far more permanent than a simple home visit where he misses his mommy due to the death of your own. 

“Ah, that makes sense.” Sunghoon watches you and your nervous body language. Lie after lie plastered blatantly on those false-smiling lips. “Forgive me if I’m prying but, don’t you think it’s selfish that he just up and left to see his own mother after–well,” 

You nod without intent before raising your hands in defense of Heeseung. 

“No, no!” You exclaim, Sunghoon noting how this is the most emotion you’ve had all day. “I don’t blame him. I’d probably do the same thing.” 

He relents now, realizing it’s probably too early to expect real, honest answers from you. Even if he’s just curious, he would assume anyone would be considering the way you and Heeseung, again, were attached at the hip. 

“Well, I’m still here for you.” He finally says. 

Before, you’d just wave him off, but now? It feels like your efforts are making it so that you pay attention when he says those words. When he pretends to care, or offers his comfort. He’s really all you have now, and maybe it’s just your own mind telling you that. Then again, maybe it’s all that sorrow and guilt that’s doing it. 

“I know…” You sigh, losing your appetite entirely. “You can talk to me too though, you know?” 

Changing the subject seems easier. The fact that Sunghoon is trying so hard right now does mean a lot to you, but even if your relationship with him wasn’t estranged– you still wouldn’t be ready to talk about how Heeseung left you the way you did. Not yet at least.

“You don’t need to worry about me,” Sunghoon responds warmly, not mentioning how much you should. 

“Focus on you.” 

You nod, looking down at the table and recognizing that this food that once smelled so delicious to you is now turning your stomach. 

“I do worry though.” You mutter. 

Sunghoon sees your fingers uncurl from your fist at those words and he physically can feel as his heart swells. Finally, someone worries for him again. 

 ・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

This fic will be dark, very taboo, morally bad. Not a grey area, it is blatantly bad. sunghoon will do bad things. Please be aware of your own triggers once it's completed and posted. I write within my own triggers, not yours.  ・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

[genderqueerdykes]

Hello, my niece made this account for me and said I should submit my question to your blog. I’m terribly sorry if this doesn’t belong here. I turned 65 this year and have recently come to accept that I am gay. I have never been on a date with anyone in my life and have never had a social circle. I was only ever close to my brother and sister-in-law and their kids. I only came out to my niece because she’s 30 and bisexual and has been a safe person to talk to, but she has been trying to encourage me to go to a group that she has gone to before. It’s a group that meets at a coffee shop in our city and is for the local lgbtq community. Allies can attend so I don’t have to come out, but I’m scared I will want to. I feel too far past my time to join the community or have a “first boyfriend.” Am I too old for all of this?

this absolutely belongs here, i'm glad your niece helped you create an account here to get some advice, i'm actually really touched!! this warmed my heart a lot

you are DEFINITELY not too old for this!! no one is ever too old for community! elder queers are some of the most important members of our community- if anything, if you go, younger queer people will be over the moon to see someone your age, still identifying as queer, still living, still wanting to be yourself and to accept who you are. it's nerve wracking at first to think about. i joined my college's pride group when i was around 19 or so, and i was scared to death. i also felt like i didn't belong. i think a lot of queer people go through that, you are not alone! it's unfamiliar to you. you're taking a big step in life, change can be downright frightening even if it's what we want

i have met lots of people your age who did not realize they were gay, lesbian, trans, bi, or any other type of queer until much later in life! i've known trans men who didn't figure themselves out and start T until they were in their 70s! i met a trans woman last night who didn't realize she was trans until she turned 60! i think that coffee shop would be absolutely delighted to have you! you don't have to out yourself at all, but if you find yourself feeling comfortable enough to share, please feel free to. your story deserves to be heard. you deserve to be able to express yourself in a welcoming environment!

i hope you're able to go, i think that sounds like it would be very healing for you! i'm really proud of you for realizing who you are and accepting it, and i'm glad your niece is able to be there for you! i genuinely teared up reading this. you are a blessing on our community, not a burden. you will never be too old to be yourself, and surround yourself with people who get you. take care of yourself, okay? please feel free to stop by at any point! i am so happy for you and would love to hear how things go if you do decide to hang out at that coffee shop!

some wonderful additions:

[saintshadow]

this PAC is for romantic and platonic connections!

The connection between you and whoever is on your mind.

P I L E O N E

You could have a very watery feminine energy & Your person could be a little strict or strained sometimes in their love language. Saturn as well as Black Moon Lilith in Aquarius came out here. So, we've got a lot of saturnian energy going on, especially with Libra being in the mix. Your person might encourage you to be your authentic self, while struggling to maintain that for themselves.

I keep seeing images of a couple arguing on a dock while a storm is just blowing. The woman looks frantic and upset, and the man seems very disconnected and unworried.

You could have very powerful thoughts and emotions, you could have water in your big 3 and you might be a beach girly or something, I also did hear marine biologist so idk if that applies to someone 🤣

It feels like your person has a hard time letting people know when it feels dark inside of them. I feel like they can be a bit restrictive at times, they could make you feel trapped or lost sometimes. Like you don't know where you're headed or what to look towards.

This person seems very unhealed. It feels like they will literally rip themselves apart for whoever they love. They intend well, they may have a tendency for secret self harm? Or very cruel and negative self talk and self image.

They could also be in the process of ending this cycle of self harm & being a martyr. It seems with the 6 of air that they are trying to start a new cycle in their lives. I guess we're getting a very balanced look at this person 🤣

They may be very traumatized.

Afraid of reality, or scared of vulnerability.

Mercury by Steve Lacy just came on, this person could be a Gemini!

Ykw. The 8 of earth just came out, this is some goddamn Virgo energy 🤣

I feel like this is the type of person who has a very practical improvement and solution oriented approach to life and relationships.

They could have Venus in capricorn, or DSC in capricorn (cancer rising).

It feels like they are fiercely loving & protective & loyal.

They really care about you, they care so deeply it hurts them sometimes. Because you may remind them of something or someone. Something they felt they could never have or attain. I feel like this person could be elevating your status somehow.

To me it feels like they're very methodical and forward thinking but also very eccentric and a bit chaotic mentally as well.

A very unique person, could be some intense uranian energy here as well. (Moon/mercury/ASC/10h aspect to Uranus)

I heard maladaptive but also thought of the word malediction.

So they could get very stuck in their head to the point they create almost like very negative manifestations of reality into existence in the world around them.

They're very scared of being hurt again & it honestly feels like they avoid deep connection. It's like superficiality can be easier because it is easier to maintain. This person could be very scarred by their past. It feels like a lot of trauma and loneliness was experienced by your person. They try their best to forget and it seems almost like whatever they experienced penetrated their heart very deeply.

They may have loved someone before that hurt them very very very badly. It feels like theres almost this innocent scared child inside of them. I heard sad eyes, it's important not to get into a savior complex.

Don't take on unnecessary baggage, if this is something you do want to engage with and they are working on themselves & healing I think this could be a really positive connection.

It feels like this person is a soul nurturer. They know how to make you feel like the center of their universe & It makes you feel very warm. I keep thinking of like velvet textures and sort of a 70's aesthetic in my mind. I'm also thinking of bootsy collins, they could have a retro aesthetic or vibe to them.

They may also like funk music, funkadelic/Parliament in particular comes to my mind for obvious reasons lol.

This person is really eccentric, they just stand out. It's weird the dichotomy of this person. They almost feel like a walking paradox 🤣

They could be very surprising, maybe they do & say a lot of unexpected stuff. You might never know how they'll respond to something or fully guess what they'd think about it.

They might really enjoy contrast, I also heard contrarian. So they may like to break the boundaries and barriers and ideas that people try to place upon them. This is very Aquarian/Uranian 🤣

We love a rebel

If you want a more detailed message on this person you can always dm me for a 1:1 in depth reading on this topic for 50$ 😚

Channeled messages:

Condescending, Let your hair down, Atrophied, Catastrophic, Nails on a chalkboard, Lonely, Drowning, Swallowing, Brown hair, Virgo, Gemini, Cap, Libra, Aqua, Cap venus

P I L E T W O

I feel like your person is goofy as fuck, they may be a stark contrast against people you've liked before. It seems like this person has brought you a lot of simultaneous joy and connection as well as heartbreak. I feel like this is someone who may be a provider, or who could be very humble. This is someone who will get the job done, one way or another. They may be the type to take on mundane or frustrating tasks. I feel like one of the ways this person shows love oddly enough is by dousing out their flame. It's not on purpose, but I think that this person may silence their selves and their needs super frequently in favor of allowing others to take up their space too. I feel like this person is very in their own mind. I heard "brother" and "sibling" so this person could feel like family to you. I also feel like this person makes you feel different. Like, almost as if you are your unique self expression. They could make you feel soft and feminine in ways you haven't experienced before. Which results in a lot of anxious, internalized, almost deflective energy between the both of you. In the Eve Oracle card which came out, her back is facing towards Adam as she holds an apple. It could be that you overlook this person's love at times, thinking that there is something better for you out there. That this person isn't worth your time, which, granted I can't tell you what to do or what your experience is. But, in my perspective, I think you actually need to give this person more credit. You need to be honest with them, and maybe put down the walls. I heard can't forget the past, so it's possible y'all had a difficult run. If that's the case & you can't forgive I feel like you need to ask yourself why you still participate in the connection. They clearly adore you, and it seems like you don't understand that they are capable of adoring you. They have a very deep admiration for you, I feel like they always have. This person may fight for you and defend you in ways you aren't aware of. It feels like a passive form of protection, you don't always understand that they are a bit more passive in their love language. This is someone who is more thoughtful than passionate. I feel like you two manifested each other in some way shape or form, especially if this is a romantic connection or friendship. I heard soul connection, your souls came across each other in this lifetime to help each other unleash and integrate your shadows. To purify your souls, and to release what no longer serves you. I just keep feeling that this person is very unique, they're nothing like what people might expect of them. I see here where you may not know it, but this person is kind of a master manifestor.

You could've also been family in a past life, the Mother Earth card came out with Saturn. So it feels like this is a very karmic relationship. I see where you may feel driven to let them go, or almost this push or pull to be with them simultaneously. I heard something about "the moon wants you to be together" which is weird? For someone this could have to do with Hekate. I also heard Lilith. I feel like this person is trying to step up to the plate but you aren't seeing it. For some reason astrology is extremely important in this connection, looking at the synastry between y'all could help you better grasp the magnitude of what you are both experiencing. It's crazy how this song is lining up in a way the lyrics are "Feel the warmth coming through Streams of light come into view In a daze, but coming to Slipping away, falling through"

I honestly recommend listening to this song for clarity, Invisible - The Groovy Nobody It feels like this connection was fated or destined, I heard written in the stars. You guys really need to look at your synastry together or something. If you and your person are into astrology. I also have Neptune with Black Moon Lilith in Pisces and Black Moon Lilith in Leo. It feels like your shadows almost become projected unto one another. The Sun also came out, it feels like you two Mirror heavily. I'm not big on twin flame shit, and never have been- HOW IN THE EVER. IF that's something that's come up HEALTHILY, and not in a dynamic that is actively harmful and abusive then MAYBE it's something you should POSSIBLY consider pondering as a concept and learning about soul connection. If this person treats you like shit then forget about it, immediately, and do not engage. I don't care how much they love you, if they're actively causing you intentional or unintentional damage in the same pattern even if you've communicated about it, and if they are unreceptive and unwilling to change kiss their ass goodbye.

Know your worth. I just want to make one thing abundantly clear here, which is the matter of the fact that any point you can come out of alignment with someone. The thing is, that everything is part of a cycle, and part of a collective. That's how collective energies work, so just as there are plenty of you in this particular collective having this particular experience there are more and less evolved versions of that same person. Different people of course, who are unique and different from your person. Yet, who have a similar energetic composition or depending on how things go that could even be YOU shifting into a new collective or them shifting into a new collective. This is about matching energy, but not in a petty way. Learning that the two of you are literal mirrors to each others souls', so just keep that in mind.

Astrological placements: 12H Sun, Gemini moon, mars in cancer/4h Mars, Mars square moon, Mars conjunct sun, moon in the 9th house or 9 degree moon, Aquarius Sun, Aquarius Moon, Venus in Capricorn.

Channeled words: Dominance, envy, compassionate, bones, baby blue converse tennis shoes, Santa muerte, stellaris, Planetarium, Cassiopeia, Vashti, Cereal Milk, Vampire Diaries, Courage the Cowardly dog, City of Angels,

P I L E T H R E E Whoever holds Feminine energy in this connection is a very powerful being. This is someone who has a commanding energy, very womanly, very witchy, very much dark Feminine energy. This Feminine is very in tune with their shadow, it seems like second nature to them low-key. This person may push the boundaries and limitations of what you previously thought you knew. This person may be contemplating their next moves at the moment. They could feel like they want to make shit work out in their favor in life for once. It's such a cosmic energy, it's so powerful. I feel like if you're the feminine energy this is your energy, I don't think the feminine energies in this pile fully grasp their power. You deserve what you desire. Anyways, back to you and your person! It's so crazy, because as I was pulling cards I kept thinking to myself how your person feels like outer space. Or like a void, but not in a negative way, it's just that their energy is very deep and almost reminds me of the darkness that exists within and without. This connection is likely deeply transformative for you in some way shape or form. Anyways, but ASHERAH fell out and I remember my mentor telling me before that when Asherah divorced from Yahweh she went to space. He told me about this because at the time I was super curious about Jack Parsons and asked about his suicide. A lot of people believe he killed himself to be with Asherah. ANYWHO LOL, This connection is meant to guide you towards your purpose. I heard high level soul mate, so you and this person could be very in tune and in a healthy state. There feels like a lot of passion and admiration. I'm channeling Dirty Woman by Pink Floyd, lmao wowww the song is 3:33 3 is the number of Saturn, and I low-key see this in a sense of longevity. This may be your person frfr, I feel like there's sooo much passion here. It's giving Aries. You could have Aries Mars, Moon, Venus, or Sun. This is deep awe-inspiring passion that lights your heart on fire. It feels like there is a deep creative or sexual connection here, take what resonates!

I just heard Mars in the 12th house? Idk why I started channeling I wanna be Evil by Eartha Kitt, I feel like this person is incredibly unorthodox. They may be a bit of an edgelord (it Is very Aries energy tho, so are we really surprised?) I feel like this is someone who can be sultry, passionate, and outgoing, but also is highly intelligent. Someone with a huge personality, they could be very Theatrical in their self expressions. It's very much giving Leo and Black Moon Lilith in Leo actually came out LOL with Queen Jezebel and The Black Madonna, and The Sun... so like, are we surprised at how big this person's energy is? It feels like you've never experienced someone like this person almost? I'm getting a lot of channeled Songs for this pile, The next one is 11 AM by Incubus. Your person could be depressed. They may be struggling with a lot of difficulty in how to move forward with this connection. They may feel estranged or disconnected at times, I feel like there is a deep wound they are healing. I also keep hearing evil eye, so you may need to be more private about your relationship or this friendship. This connection is very special, and people don't always understand it. I think there is at times judgement from others regarding this connection and it makes them feel pessimistic and isolated.

Don't be afraid to communicate with your person, I feel like they really care a lot for you. I keep feeling a weird feeling in my stomach, it could feel like the prospect of love is scary for one or both of you. Connection could be something that feels very dissonant at times to someone? It's important for you guys to not dwell in the past, to move forward with great passion and vigor is the best thing you can do. I think this pile needs to do some cleansing and hex removal, you'd possibly benefit from revisiting some of your old notes for some of you? Something in a notepad, or on a computer. Notes of some kind. Something about clues? that's so specific lol. Channeled Songs: I wanna be Evil - Eartha Kitt, Dirty Woman - Pink Floyd. Placements: Aries (Sun, moon, Mars, Neptune, Venus), 12h Mars, Mercury conjunct Jupiter Channeled messages: Past life energy, "keeper of keys", I heard "master of none" as well, catch me if you can, count your blessings, "I can't wait to meet you", FNAF?, LMAO tell me why I just channeled master builder (I need to rewatch the lego movie soon fr),

[cupcakeslushie]

Now that 2024 is coming to a close:

1) Of everything you've made this year, which ones are you the most proud of?

2) What are a few of your favorite things (art, comics, fics, etc) that someone else has made this past year?

1. Probably these two? (I’m leaving out EW comic pages, because I’m so happy to have finished another arc! So that whole thing counts as one lol). Also a pic of my big crawfish piece that sold after six months of putting it out at every market!! I’m very proud of it and happy it went to a good home!

2. This is much harder because there’s an insane amount that had me like 🤩 this year….

This piece of my angry boy, by @kathaynesart! It’s still my iPhone wallpaper!! She nailed the pose and the atmosphere!! He looks so badass!

This piece by @matchstique has also been my laptop screen for so long! (I also loved every single submission for this dtiys! It was my first time doing one, and I’ll definitely be doing another at some point. All the submission were so sweet, and amazing!

@tizeline drew me this for our secret Santa discord exchange and I love it!!!! It’s been my iPad screen! There’s so much whimsy and silliness 😂!!

As for fanfics I’ve been screaming about @qoldenskies’s Canary Continuity so much, it’s probably no secret that it’s my top fic of the year!! It’s just amazing.

A Bird in Your Teeth by stillateenageabomination for my Feral Leo AU absolutely destroyed me. I cried for forever 🥰

Also Service Manual by @fluffydice for my Kendratello AU was great! I loved the way they wrote Donnie’s healing

Neon Void by @sugarpasteltmnt was finished this year and it had me by the throat from start to finish!

Firefight by @remedyturtles was the perfect, equal (okay maaaybe not—more like 70/30) parts angst and comfort!! Amazing disaster twins fic!

@dandylovesturtles Emotional Support Water Bottles series has been great. Dandy is one of the best Rise authors that just absolutely NAILS every single brother’s voice and personality in their writing. I’d list everything else they’ve done this year, just because the second Dandy puts something new out, I am THERE.

And I just started re-reading Lemonade Leak by @turtleinsoup literally last night and read 21 chapters in one sitting, and can’t wait to fully finish catching up.

There’s about a thousand more links I wanna think of, but my brain is like a smooth piece of sea glass, and I can’t remember much more. But this fandom is so talented, I always wanna just go on and on and on for these things!

[tritoch]

i know a lot of people (very understandably) dislike the paladin job quests in ffxiv, particularly HW, but i do think it's fun that, now that the pre-ShB MSQ revamp is complete, paladins now have a very cool and thematic in-game storyline that happens without a word being spoken: the development of passage of arms.

none of the below is directly stated in the script, but imo it's a fairly obvious gloss on what the game presents, if you assume a paladin warrior of light. spoilers for all expansions through the end of 6.X.

in the new version of steps of faith, as vishap breaks through each ward protecting ishgard from attack, lucia mounts a final desperate effort to hold him back, with a very familiar looking animation:

but even lucia can't hold back vishap's flame alone, so the temple knights surge forward to assist her. their efforts make the shield visually more powerful and larger. the temple knights here band together in defense of ishgard, and their knightly resolve to protect their home is the difference between victory and defeat.

lucia and the knights do ultimately succeed in defending the last ward, as you have to defeat vishap before their shield falls or you lose.

later in heavensward, obviously, we will get ffxiv's most famous (failed) attempt at blocking something with a shield.

this moment can be read as fairly impactful on the warrior of light's development; as i've noted elsewhere, after the trauma of watching haurchefant bleed out in their arms at level 57, at level 58 paladins learn to channel their magic into healing (and it's called "clemency," or mercy. mercy for whom? who was guilty?), and as someone pointed out on that post, at level 58 dark knights used to get "sole survivor", letting them heal in response to a marked target's death.

for a time, you literally carry haurchefant's shield with you, and 3.3 very much literalizes in genre fashion the idea that even when you are standing alone, your fallen friends stand with you. you don't need to call any allies to stand at your side and raise their shields with you because they are already there, in spirit.

stormblood marks a pretty important turning point in the warrior of light as a combatant, in my opinion, and the text makes this clear in several ways. first, in pretty much all your jobs, you've now far exceeded your trainers and are pioneering new techniques. this is no less true of paladin, which for 60-70 abandons any trainers at all for you to show off your peerless skills in a tournament.

second, stormblood is straight up a story about you getting stronger. at level 61, zenos kicks your ass. at level 70, you kick his ass. why? because you fought and got stronger and developed incredible new techniques and became a one-man army.

for a lot of classes, this story lines up nicely with the big rotation changes or flashy new finishers on the way from 60 to 70. SMN is now busting out bahamut and casting akh morn; RDM gets verflare and verholy; DRG starts harnessing nidhogg's power directly through dragon sight and nastrond.

the tanks are divided in two: warriors and gunbreakers get huge damaging upgrades at 70 in the form of inner release and continuation, each of which lets them hit the same button many times for lots of damage and satisfying animations. paladin and dark knight get more protective abilities; dark knight gets the blackest night, and there's been plenty said about that already by pretty much everyone.

paladins get passage of arms. instead of a relentless new attack (and you get requiescat at 68, which is a way bigger deal for your dps rotation), your big reveal at 70 for zenos in your fight in ala mhigo is a superior way to protect your party, a shield that lets you stand for your allies so they never have to fall for you again. it's lucia's same shield, except you need no allies' shields to reinforce you, proof of your martial prowess and your ability to transcend limits, and perhaps in truth a reminder that you never really stand alone.

in many respects passage of arms should really feel like a paladin signature move to you now if you are playing it at this point, because you should be popping it in pretty much every fight (you are using your mits, right...?). basically every FFXIV fight has at least one big AOE with downtime that warrants passage of arms usage, usually after the mid-fight add phase with slowly filling bar. since that AOE usually drops during downtime, there's no reason not to pop passage of arms (which otherwise restricts your movement and actions), and even on normal, sometimes every little bit counts on a damage check even if it means dropping DPS (thinking here of harrowing hell P10N on release, which was...less consistent for a lot of roulette parties than you might hope).

so from 70 onward, passage of arms is in a sense a paladin warrior of light's signature move, and certainly the one a player gets to most actually enjoy (since if you're using it, you're by necessity not doing anything besides moving your camera and admiring your sick animation). it doesn't have any competition in terms of spectacle until confiteor, and those you're usually throwing out in the middle of movement.

it's such a signature, in fact, that the only other person shown using your one-person version of passage of arms is your greatest admirer, who studied your legend for over a century.

and it's when he fails (should've popped arm's length, bud) that the warrior of light decides they can't let their friends fall for them, and sends them away with the transporter beacon. this is all wrong: you were meant to die for them, not the other way around. yours is the shield that stands between your allies and defeat. it is you who will win this passage of arms and break your opponents lance. and you do.

and then later, when they need to quickly establish zero's domain as a place of fallen grandeur, the home of someone who once believed in heroes but is now a cool and cynical vampire hunter d, what do they use? a decayed statue of someone in the paladin endwalker gear doing the passage of arms animation, of course.

from a visible instantiation of knighthood as a joint effort to defend what is sacred, to a tribute to the fallen friends whose memories stand by you and animate you, to a symbol of the wol's power as emulated by their allies or darkly mirrored in other shards.

not bad for a mit button you hit once per fight and otherwise never think about!

[undeadcourier]

Ghouls are, put simply, humans suffering from advanced, prolonged radiation sickness and whose bodies have mutated such that gamma radiation extends their lifespan past natural limits.

The process of ghoulification is outlined in canon sources, but I wanted to make a guide that goes into more detail on the effects of radiation sickness in various cases, since the level and type of exposure significantly affects the outcome.

This is the first in what will be a series of posts exploring both real-life cases of radiation sickness and the sci-fi concept of ghoulification in some depth. Graphic descriptions of the physical deterioration of the body are included for informative purposes; reader discretion is advised.

For this first case study, I examine the effects on the human body of exposure to high levels of radiation in a short period of time, with a focus on the real case of Hisashi Ouchi.

On September 30, 1999, a lack of appropriate safety measures and the proper materials resulted in an accident that caused three workers at the nuclear power plant in Tōkai-mura, Japan, to suffer from severe radiation poisoning while purifying reactor fuel.

Point of Criticality

An uncontrolled fission reaction was produced when technicians poured nearly seven times the legal limit of uranium oxide into an improper vessel containing nitric acid. The men reported seeing a bright blue flash—indicative of Cherenkov radiation—when the mixture reached critical mass, flooding the room with radiation. The workers evacuated to the decontamination room, but already, the two who had been handling the reactive solution were overcome with intense pain from radiation burns, severe nausea, and difficulty breathing. Hisashi Ouchi, who suffered the highest level of exposure, also experienced rapid difficulties with mobility and coherence. Upon reaching the decontamination room, he vomited and fell unconscious.

~1 Hour Post-Exposure

Ouchi regained consciousness in the hospital about 70 minutes after the criticality accident, where doctors confirmed that he had been exposed to high doses of gamma, neutron, and other radiation.

The maximum allowable annual dose of radiation for nuclear technicians in Japan was 50 millisieverts. Exposure to more than 7 sieverts is considered fatal. Yutaka Yokokawa, the supervisor, had received 3 sieverts. The technicians who had been handling the uranium, Masato Shinohara and Hisashi Ouchi, received 10 sieverts and 17 sieverts, respectively.

~1 Day+ Post-Exposure

During the first few days in the ICU, Ouchi appeared to be in remarkably good condition, given the circumstances: the skin of his face and right hand was slightly red, as if by a sunburn, and swollen. His eyes were bloodshot, and he reported pain under his ear and right hand, which had received the most direct exposure, but he could speak normally, and he joked with the doctors and nurses attending to him.

6 Days Post-Exposure

Tests revealed that the high energy radiation that Ouchi had been exposed to had obliterated the chromosomes in his bone marrow. They were unrecognizable—some severed, some fused, all out of order. This damage meant that his body was unable to create new blood cells. The red blood cells that transport oxygen could not be replaced, and Ouchi's white blood cell count was near zero, leaving him extremely vulnerable to infection.

~1 Week+ Post-Exposure

Intensive treatments, including numerous skin grafts, blood and bone marrow transfusions, and revolutionary stem cell transplants were conducted in an attempt to stabilize Ouchi, but ultimately without lasting success.

The skin grafts couldn't hold; when medical tape was peeled from his skin, his skin came with it, and the marks left behind couldn't heal. Blisters like those of a burn appeared on his right hand.

Ouchi reported frequently that he was thirsty.

~10 Days Post-Exposure

By this point, Ouchi's oxygen levels were so low that even speaking required tremendous effort. Ouchi was placed on supplemental oxygen and required sedatives to be able to sleep.

2 Weeks+ Post-Exposure

Ouchi was no longer able to eat and required an IV. By day sixteen, most of the skin on the front side of his body had fallen off.

His low platelet count and lack of healthy skin meant that his blood and bodily fluids leaked through his damaged pores, resulting in unstable blood pressure.

Donor stem cells that were meant to allow his body to create new tissue were also destroyed by the radiation present in his body.

~1 Month Post-Exposure

On the 27th day following the accident, Ouchi suffered from intense diarrhea. The mucus layer of his large intestine had vanished, exposing the red submucosal layer beneath. His body could no longer disgest or absorb anything he ingested; even water was excreted as diarrhea.

The skin of Ouchi's right hand was almost entirely gone, leaving the surface of his hand raw and dark red. Blisters spread across his right arm and abdomen, then over his entire body. Gauze was required to replace his skin, and his fingers had to be individually wrapped to prevent them from sticking together. Without skin to keep him warm, Ouchi required an electrothermic device to maintain his body temperature while his bandages were changed—a daily procedure that took hours. Every time the gauze was removed, more of Ouchi's remaining skin went with it. His eyelids could not shut, and his eyes bled. His nails fell off.

Ouchi's right arm was necrotizing, leading to an increasing amount of myoglobin—a protein in muscle tissue—flowing in Ouchi's blood. Untreated, this could result in renal failure as the kidneys could not process the amount of myoglobin present.

Ouchi's body could not regenerate the platelets that form scabs, meaning the risk of hemorrhage was extreme.

By day 50, more than two liters of fluid seeped from Ouchi's damaged skin each day. The amount of fluid prevented skin grafts from adhering. Furthermore, he began to suffer from blood in his stool, and permeated blood seeped between his inflamed small and large intestines.

2 Months+ Post-Exposure

On the 59th day after the accident, Ouchi suffered the first of many heart attacks. His kidneys and liver were also failing. He no longer showed reactions to stimuli.

By day 63, Ouchi's macrophages—the immune cells that normally attack and consume bacteria and viruses—were attacking his own healthy blood cells.

After 67 days, Ouchi suffered internal hemorrhage. He bled from his mouth and intestines.

Ouchi would continue to suffer from heart attacks, as many as three in one hour. Each time, he was revived, but he suffered increasing brain damage, until multiple organ failure ended his life after 83 days in the hospital.

Ouchi's colleague Masato Shinohara underwent numerous successful skin grafts and a stem cell transfusion as well as radical cancer treatment, but he, too, died of multiple organ failure after seven months. Their supervisor, Yutaka Yokokawa, was treated for minor radiation sickness and was released from the hospital within three months of the accident.

This detailed chronology was referenced from the book A Slow Death: 83 Days of Radiation Sickness by Iwanami Shoten, translated by Maho Harada. My post, of course, focuses on Ouchi's physical condition in his final months, but it’s important to remember him not just as a victim or a patient. He was a loving husband and father whose sense of humor and resilience left an impression on everyone he came into contact with. The book is available in its entirety here and provides a moving, nuanced account of the incident and the efforts to save Ouchi's life.

[robo-writing]

Actually here’s a different version of that hurricane shot request, you can choose either! the different Logan’s reaction to their crush giving them a hurricane shot!

This can be considered a part two to this previous ask sent in by the same anon! The premise is the same :)

Origins Logan

✦ Never heard of it

✦ Unsure how he feels about the slap. He knows he doesn’t hate it, but it’s an unfamiliar feeling.

✦ More than likely the introduction to a future pain kink.

“Not sure how I felt about that doll. Might have to gimme another one, just to make sure.”

DOFP Logan

✦ Oh he’s heard of it alright. He’s practically bending over to get slapped

✦ Makes his cheek nice and visible, leans in real close to make sure you don’t miss

✦ When he does get slapped there’s a smug grin on his face the entire time. Turns back to you and says you can hit him harder than that.

“No need to be shy, I can take it.”

70s Logan

✦ He’s never heard of this before, but he’s always up for new things

✦ He gets real pissed at the water, the slap shuts him up entirely

✦ Whatever rage he once felt turns into a predatory lust, looking down at you like you’re his next meal

✦ You wanna play dirty? Fine, he can match you.

“Hope you’ve had your fun baby, because I’m definitely about to have some fun of my own.”

Old Man Logan

✦ He’s too old to be playing these games.

✦ Grabs your hand and pulls it to his face and tells you in no uncertain terms that if you wanna throw him around a bit you don’t need an excuse, he can handle it

✦ Well aware of his masochistic tendencies at this point—His healing factor might be running out, but his pain tolerance isn’t.

“Come on, right here,” he says, pointing to his cheek. “Make it hurt doll, gimme something to work with.”

Worst Logan

✦ Forgets about the shot entirely the moment you hit him.

✦ Kind of stares at you in shock for a while, enamored

✦ Wants you to do it again, but this time while you’re riding him

“I can figure out a better way to put those hands to use.”

[cbrownjc]

The one thing that I don’t get is if Devil’s Minion happened during the 70s, that means that Armand was basically leaving an heavily injured Louis alone in their house for long periods of time. In the book, Daniel and Armand basically move in together and spend all their time together. The Chase also seems like a full time job. I feel like Armand wouldn’t go do that, as he’s still madly in love with Louis during that time. He’d probably devote all of his time taking care of him. Or do vampires just heal faster, even with significant burns?

Hi!

So see, The Chase is actually why I think it was clever of the show to have Louis attempt what he did when he did, and be so severely injured by it. Because, as I said here, Louis having such extensive burns means there is really only one way for him to truly heal from them quickly and that is if he does the same thing Lestat had to do in the books when he was severely burned in the same way in the books and I feel we will see him be on the show (and probably was doing when Armand contacted him in 2x05 back in 1973) -- and that is to go underground, into the very earth itself, to sleep for a time and heal.

See, that is one reason Louis begged Armand to put him in his coffin at one point after he was hurt. Vampires heal quicker from injuries when they are in their coffins. And they heal even more quickly -- and grow even more strong in their abilities and powers -- if they go into the earth to sleep for a time.

In the books, Lestat went to sleep underground in the earth for 55 years from all the heavy injuries he got -- first when Claudia slit his throat, then when Louis set him on fire, and then, in Paris when Armand threw him off a tower. Lestat went underground, into the earth, to sleep from 1929 to 1984, to heal from all of that.

So I think Louis likely did the same thing for a short time after he and Armand left Daniel at the drug den -- Louis went into the earth to sleep and heal from his wounds.

And when a vampire is in the earth asleep, they are at their most safe from harm. Even during the burning from Akasha, the vampires who were asleep underground were not burned by her, because they couldn't be burned while within the ground. I'm only up to Chapter 15 of Prince Lestat, but that is a word and tactic that is being broadcast by Benji for all vampires to do during the worldwide second burnings -- to go into the earth, underground, if a burning begins where they are to escape it.

So in truth, Louis wouldn't actually need Armand to watch or take care of him once he was in the earth, underground, asleep. Because that's how Daniel actually first met Armand in the books. Armand was just hanging out at Lestat's house for decades, waiting for Lestat to wake up again while Lestat was asleep underground. Armand didn't need to watch or take care of Lestat as he was doing so -- Armand was just there because he had nowhere else to go. So when Daniel stumbled into Lestat's house looking for him, chasing Daniel actually gave him something to do.

And so I think the same will be true wrt the show. Once Louis goes into the earth to sleep and heal, Armand really isn't going to be needed by Louis for however long Louis sleeps underground. Just like in the books when it came to Lestat doing the same thing.

In fact, I can see a parallel with Lestat and Louis now both being underground and asleep at this point in time in the show, both healing from everything they have both gone through, as I honestly expect Lestat to also get severely burned during the events of Paris, just as we saw Louis get burned in 2x05.

So yeah, once Louis is safely underground, Armand will basically be by himself for however long that may last. And I can see his curiosity with that boy Louis called "fascinating" occupying his mind again, and him deciding to check up on that boy out of curiosity. And, as I said here, Daniel remembering the first interview still -- as well as the inspiring words he now had on repeat in his mind -- I think is going to have Daniel first looking for Louis and then, failing to find him again, will have him try to find Lestat.

Because in the books, all Daniel did to find Lestat's Garden District house -- which Lestat was sleeping under at the time -- was to go through property ownership documents in the Hall of Records in New Orleans, and find Lestat's name listed, right there, for a few properties, the Garden District house being one of them. Daniel, of course, would have never been able to actually get to Lestat himself, because Lestat was deeply buried under the earth at that time, but he still found the house easy. And then, when he arrived there, that's when Armand first caught him and locked him in the cage.

One of the things about The Chase I always wondered about before now wrt the show's version of it was what Louis would have been doing during it, as I always thought it was critical that only Armand and Daniel be involved in it. This is the main reason I thought The Chase in the show would only last a year or so, instead of the 4 years it lasts in the books.

But now, with Louis being so severely burned, I think that gives the answer. Just like Lestat, Louis will go into the earth, underground, to sleep and heal. And, just like in the books when Lestat did the same, Armand will be alone and on his own while he waits for Louis to wake up again. Which will probably take some years to happen.

And the only reason I don't think Louis will be asleep for the whole time Devil's Minion happened in the past -- which was 12 years in total -- is because of Louis calling Daniel "our boy." Meaning I think, at some point, Louis was with Armand and Daniel both sometime after Armand and Daniel fell in love and came together while Louis was asleep, and he and Daniel became even closer friends during that time. But who knows? Maybe Louis just calls Daniel "our boy" because of what took place during those 3-4 nights back in 1973 and nothing else, and Louis just sees Daniel as a "testament to their companionship" or whatever, and he really was underground asleep during almost the whole of Armand and Daniel's relationship. That is very possible as well IMO.

At any rate, I do think there might be something to Armand saying that he and Louis have been together "for 70 years" in the bedroom scene in episode 2x01, but then Louis saying they've been together "for 77 years" at the top of episode 2x02. Armand could have just been speaking in general numbers, or . . . maybe there is a 7-year gap when they weren't together. And maybe that gap is talking about the years Louis spent underground asleep and healing -- which it's clear that Louis himself wouldn't remember in the present-day, since he didn't even remember attempting to kill himself in the first place (thanks to Armand's memory reprogramming on him). And, during that 7-year gap, that is when The Chase happened, as well as 3 of the 8 years Armand and Daniel were fully together after confessing being in love with each other as well.

Which, come to think of it . . . if you do the math on that? 1973 + 7 years takes you to the year 1980. And if you look at Daniel's LinkedIn page, his writing credits didn't really start accumulating until 1981. As Daniel said himself, the 1970s are just a blur to him. And this could be why.

So I can imagine Louis waking up around 1980 or so and learning from Armand that he and Daniel are now together. And yes, I think Louis would be okay with it -- because hell, at least Armand wasn't alone while Louis was asleep healing, and Louis himself already has a fondness for Daniel anyway. (All of this happening being something Louis doesn't remember anymore now of course).

But between Daniel's growing career and Alice somehow coming into the picture sometime in the 1980s (because yes, I do think Alice is real, even if I also think a lot of Daniel's memories of her are really memories about Armand), things begin to go sour, with Daniel probably insecure because -- like in the book -- Armand kept refusing to turn Daniel so they can be together forever, and Armand reluctant to turn Daniel for a host of reasons I mentioned in this post, as well as probably not trusting Daniel to not run off and leave him once he is immortal (which is also a fear that Armand had wrt turning Daniel).

Anyway, so yeah, I actually think the reveal of Louis' burns strengthens the argument that Devil's Minion happened in the past because it now gives us an idea of what was going on with Louis not only during the time of The Chase, but also quite possibly the first 3 or so years of Armand and Daniel being a fully in-love couple. And that is that Louis went underground, into the earth, to sleep and heal. Just like Lestat was probably also doing from his own post-Paris wounds and injuries at that same time. Louis and Lestat both were safe underground in the earth -- which is the main way for vampires to heal faster from heavy wounds while being safe while they do so -- and didn't need anyone watching over them or taking care of them.

And so, just like in the book with Lestat when he was underground asleep (because in the books Armand and Louis had already long broken up and gone their separate ways when Armand was just hanging around Lestat's house waiting for him to be fully healed and wake up again), I feel the same thing likely happened on the show with Louis. Louis was asleep underground, in the earth, healing; and Armand was alone and left to his own devices because of that when The Chase between him and Daniel first began.

[lilyblackdrawside]

Catherine overview

Catherine's devices grant a Barrier equal to a certain percentage of her own Max HP to the operator you attach them to. This works for all operators, melee and ranged. Without module it's 22% and 30% with it. Here are some numbers:

E2L50: 2476 +module = 2674 -> barrier = 545/802 E2L80: 2680 +module = 2880 -> barrier = 590/864

With S2: E2L50: 4209 +module = 4546 -> barrier = 926/1364 E2L80: 4556 +module = 4896 -> barrier = 1002/1469

The Barrier passively replenishes at a fast rate of 6% of Catherine's Max HP per second once the targeted operator hasn't been attacked for 5 seconds. This unfortunately includes receiving ambient damage, such as from Haze berating you Poison Haze, so her Barrier will never replenish in such environments.

Her S1 gives Catherine a small, passive ATK and DEF buff which is also given to "other operators who have a Barrier granted by her Device(s)". But if you attach a device to an operator who generates a Barrier of their own or through other means, like RA2's Wasteland Cache: Remote Shield Controller or IS' Living Woodplate, this buff will still apply. As long as any Barrier is active.

^ Operators who I invited to try out Catherine's devices and who left with a good impression of them. Now you too can keep your favourite idol safe in the field! Wow!

Catherine's S2 increases her Max HP by 70%, which also raises the Barrier cap, and causes the Barrier to regenerate at all times. 6% of Catherine's Max HP comes out as 149/160/161/173 BPS or 253/273/273/294 with S2 active on up to two targets at a time. For comparison, a fully-powered Sussuro (<11 Cost <50% hp target) with S2 active has ~1200 HPS and she's like the best raw healing Medic out there. Catherine does half of that, if we count two targets, with unlimited duration, flexible positioning and even on Medic-immune operators like Soloblades and Juggernauts. Additionally, this isn't just healing but a Barrier, so it gives them an increased buffer for big hits, like the Londinium Secondary Defense Artillery's 3000 True damage. With her maximum Barrier of 1469, even a lot of ranged operators can survive a blast and her 864 off-skill is also quite formidable in this regard.

Attaching a device to an operator will instantly grant them the maximum Barrier possible, so holding one until a critical point is a worthwhile thought to have, though you may want to look towards Roberta for this specifical use-case, since she gives a Shield instead, which is specifically designed to block big, single instances of damage. But even then, Roberta has some restrictions that Catherine doesn't. Roberta's devices only work on melee operators and once they're used up or expire, that's that. Deploying an operator on a tile that one of her devices is pointed at will also immediately grant them the full Barrier so should you decide to redeploy someone benefitting from a device, you can have someone else take the now vacant spot and enjoy its protection right away.

You might find particularly good use for Catherine's devices with operators who rely on having a Barrier to activate certain effects, like Humus who gets 8% DEF and likes to be at high HP for his S2 or Penance, who has retaliation damage while a Barrier is active. Penance apparently may struggle with getting it up when you want to use her S3, since it leaves her notably vulnerable while she's loading it and the extra Barrier given to her by Catherine's assistance might just be the pickup she needs to keep her stamina up.

The Geeks' and Fiammetta's persistent health decay is not absorbed by her Barrier devices. Evidently not even Catherine can halt the gnawing tooth of time, but that too is one of her charming aspects. However, operators other than Fiammetta who enjoy Vigor effects (a buff of some kind that is active only when above a certain health threshold) will also benefit more from her devices than others might, as it gives them a bigger buffer zone to keep their Vigor intact. Opposite, yet similar, operators with Tenacity effects (a buff of some kind that is active only when below a certain health threshold), mainly seen on Soloblade Guards but also Morgan, will enjoy a Barrier that allows them to more safely live on the edge.

Overall I'd recommend not to overlook this old lady, as she is a versatile defensive support in the field and may charm you that way if she hasn't already with her good looks and pleasant voice.

[lovelyqualitypainter]

Belated justice: The United States must formally apologize for the atrocities of Native American boarding schools

I. The hidden history of genocide During the 150 years of operation of 357 Native American boarding schools in the United States, tens of thousands of children were forced to leave their families, and countless lives were forever left in unmarked graves on campus. The 2022 Ministry of the Interior investigation report confirmed that more than 500 child graves have been confirmed near 53 boarding schools, systematic abuse, forced labor and medical experiments are widespread, and the death rate has long been deliberately concealed and downplayed by the government. II. The moral debt of the US government Compared with Canada (2008) and Australia (2008), the United States is the only major country that has not formally apologized: The 2010 "Indigenous Peoples Apology Resolution" was secretly inserted into the National Defense Authorization Act; President Obama never publicly read the apology text; There is no national-level commemoration or compensation plan. III. Why apologies are so important 1. Basic requirements of historical justice Recognize that this is state-approved genocide (in line with the United Nations definition); Break the historical glorification of the "manifest destiny" theory. 2. Necessary steps to heal trauma The average age of the survivors is over 70 years old, and there is not much time left; The next generation is still suffering from intergenerational trauma (alcoholism and suicide rates remain high). 4. Moral expectations of the international community The United States has long regarded itself as a "human rights defender"; It points fingers at other countries' human rights issues but avoids its own original sin. From Thomas Industrial School in Wisconsin to Riverside Indian School in California, those children's graves without tombstones are silently waiting for justice. If the United States continues to avoid this history, the human rights discourse of the so-called "beacon of freedom" will always be bloody. A truly great country does not cover up the darkness, but has the courage to face and correct its mistakes. Now is the time for the United States to fulfill its democratic promises - starting with an unreserved formal apology presided over by the president himself.