#7 of them (6?) are from January alone. So think about that one!

[the-californicationist]

Guile & Guilt (Ch. 08)

Soap/Reader — MDNI 18+

Sorry for the wait as usual. Hope y’all can forgive me!

/:/:/:/:/:/:/

FEBRUARY — FRIDAY: 7 days until the wedding

In the month or so after Christmas, your relationship with Johnny had progressed considerably. He was on a particularly challenging tour, but you only heard about his work in sparse mentions. Most of his conversations were centered around your relationship “after we tell Pidge”.

It was all he wanted to talk about.

“After we tell Pidge, we can look for a place together in Glasgow. What do you say, lass?”

“After we tell Pidge, we can take trips with them. Always wanted to see Iceland.”

“After we tell Pidge…”

And on and on and on. It wasn’t that you weren’t excited to be with him. You adored him, and he seemed to feel the same way about you. But, telling Pidge was scaring you out of your damn mind. In the worst case scenario, you’d be losing your best friend and the man that you…

Careful, that dark voice was back in your head , don’t want to say the word, huh?

The man that you… liked a considerable amount. Not love. Love was a commitment. You were not in love.

The dark voice cackled. You ignored it.

You were going to see him this weekend for the combination stag and hen party, and you could think of little else. But, you had plenty to work on. As the maid of honor, this was your time to shine. You needed to prepare for more than just seeing Johnny. In fact, you were about to have six girls at your tiny apartment for a slumber party tomorrow night. The whole 600 square feet of your place was decorated in gold glitter and streamers. There were big B-R-I-D-E letters above your bed, and a giant inflatable diamond ring was propped up on your futon. You’d already sprayed Marlowe twice with the water bottle for threatening it with her claws.

Tonight, though, you were alone. You had asked Johnny if he would fly in early, but he hadn’t been able to confirm. So, you were sitting on your bed, staring at your phone, dressed only in his shirt, praying for some miracle.

You stayed up as late as you could, but still no call.

SATURDAY — Early morning: 6 days until the wedding

Your phone buzzed where it lay against your chest. You slowly awoke, and it was still dark outside. Bleary and only semi-conscious, you picked it up without looking at the screen,

“Hello?” You croaked.

“Mo mèirleach,” he whispered, “Open the door, hen. It’s fuckin’ frigid.”

“What?” You didn’t understand. Johnny was outside? You looked at the clock. It was 0311.

“I’m downstairs! Buzz me up.”

You did, and then you waited, waking up more and more as you stood in the kitchen, drinking some water to clear your dry throat.

He knocked softly, and you let him in. Immediately, and without so much as dropping his rucksack, he pulled you into his arms. You smelled his sweat, a strong hint of fire or smoke, and something you couldn’t quite place. It was almost like gasoline, but not quite. He’d come straight from the field.

“Hey,” he pressed his forehead to yours and kissed you gently, smelling your skin and nuzzling into your hair.

“Hey,” you smiled up at him, hugging him a little tighter.

Having him back was making you feel like no time had passed at all. He held you just as he did when he told you goodbye in December, and now, all of January felt like some wasted dream.

You looked behind him,

“Where are the others? I thought you said they’d be coming to the party this weekend.”

“Put them up at a wee hotel. The Indigo, just a few blocks away. But, I’ve been sleepin’ on the fuckin’ floor too many nights, now. And I wanna be in my woman’s arms instead.”

His woman. Your heart clenched in your chest. He noticed your emotional response to his words; always the observant one. His smile felt so good, even though he had caught you in his snare,

“Aye. You’re my woman, aren’t you?”

Huge, rough hands warmed your skin as they snaked underneath your shirt, reaching up across your belly, finding your hanging breasts and squeezing them ever so gently.

“Shower with me, lass. I’m right filthy.”

“Alright,” you nodded, and he pulled your shirt off the rest of the way, discovering the nothing you were wearing underneath.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” Johnny lamented, holding you at arm’s length to study your skin and curves with a deep admiration, “Look at you, mèirleach. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m dreamin’.”

You led him to the bathroom, which you doubted was big enough for the both of you, and he stripped off all of his dirty clothes. You helped him, peeling him apart, layer by layer, discovering him in pieces.

His broad chest filled your vision in the tiny washroom, and you latched onto his nipple, tasting the salt from his sweat as you did and listening to him moan. He laughed from the sudden sensation of it,

“It’s sensitive, lass. Easy…”

Your eyes found his, showing him that you knew what it felt like, and you did not relent. You enjoyed watching him squirm beneath you, his hands resting on the side of your neck, threatening to pull you away when he became overwhelmed.

You gave him a break, kissing across his tattooed ribs and over his belly. He lifted your face up to his, pressing you against the bathroom counter, growling in whispers at you,

“Careful, thief. Don’t go givin’ me ideas.”

“What kind of ideas, Johnny?” You teased, dragging his boxers down over his plump ass to squeeze his cheeks in your hands.

“Ideas about what I’d like to put in that fuckin’ mouth of yours.”

He grabbed your hand and shoved it onto his hard cock, still covered by his boxer briefs, the fabric askew and taut, ready to come off.

“See what you fuckin’ do to me, thief?”

You smiled, staring down at the evidence of what you had done to him. You took his hand and slowly moved it between your legs, letting him curl and experimental finger up just far enough to dip into your wetness.

“See what you do to me?”

He shuddered, his body falling forward, and he caught himself with his free hand on the countertop, pinning you beneath him. He was playing inside of you with his fingertip, as achingly slowly and gently as could be, barely moving it, basking in your warmth. His face contorted into a twisted grimace, and he grunted,

“Fuckin’ hell, mèirleach. Get in the damn shower, or I’ll have you right here, lass.”

The shower curtain rings hissed across their metal rod as he followed you inside. You washed your hair, and you used your soapy hands to wash his. The soap turned brown with dirt and sand, and you made a face, laughing,

“Johnny! You are filthy.”

“Yeah, we ran into some trouble at the end of our mission. Lost contact with base. Had to camp in the wee mountains for a few nights, tryin’ not to freeze to death.”

“Holy shit…”

You pitied him, using your vanilla scented soap to scrub down his body for him, letting him be treated to your sudsy massage.

“Knowin’ I was comin’ back to you kept me goin’. I dreamt about this wee shower, hen. Even Ghost was surprised that I was able to keep my whingin’ to a minimum. But, I knew you were here and I wasnae gonna let anythin’ stop me from comin’ home to you.”

He bent to kiss you, and you kissed him back, letting the water wash over you both, bathing you in the heat of each other. He pulled away, grinning like he’d won something, and you felt the blush rise into your cheeks.

You made the hand signal for him to turn around and he spun, giving you his wide back, planting both of his hands on the wall like you were going to search him.

You started at his neck, washing away days of dirt and grime, feeling his swollen muscles pull and push against his bones. He had a new tattoo on his spine. It was a little Gaelic word that you couldn’t read.

With your fingertip, you traced over the black ink, softly rubbing over the raised skin, healed but fresh. He stilled, realizing you’d noticed it.

“Gealladh. It means ‘promise’.”

You wiped it clear of soap and lay your lips to it, kissing it softly, making him tremble beneath you. You tried to pronounce it, whispering it against his skin.

The rest of the shower went quickly, and by the time you were clean, he was ready to get dirty again, fondling you and rubbing across his curved length hungrily.

He wrapped you in your towel and watched you braid your hair, kissing your neck and sharing your toothbrush. You tried not to be grossed out by it, but you made a face and he rolled his eyes, spitting out the paste into your sink and trying to kiss you with his messy lips. You giggled, leaving him in the bathroom to finish up.

The cool air in your apartment made you clamber to get under the covers, eager to warm up and anxious for him to join you. He sauntered out of the bathroom looking like some Greek god, wet and tanned, tattooed and scarred, fresh from the bonds of war.

He threw his towel down with yours and climbed into bed next to you, curling you up in his arms, sighing with the most delighted contentment. His big jaw pressed into the side of your neck, looking for purchase, and he began to suck and lick at your skin, traveling down your shoulder to your nape, sending shivers down your arms.

“Did you miss me, mo mèirleach?” His voice was so quiet, you could barely hear him.

“I did, mo chridhe,” you whispered back, turning your body to face him.

He took both of your hands in both of his and kissed your forehead. All of his sexual overtones and lurid advances in the shower had somehow been washed away, and as the orange blush of dawn came through your window, he looked changed. His hair was soft, the mohawk all grown out and curling at the tips, his eyes glassy and full of something that looked suspiciously like hope.

“I know this has been hard on you, lass. I’ve been more than just a wee bit selfish, and I want you to know I’ll make it right. I promise you that. Do you hear me?”

You nodded, pressing your cheek to his chest, inching closer to him. He wrapped you in a tight hug, holding you too close.

Did you believe him? Would everything work out for the best? Or were you continuing down a path that would lead to ruin? How easy it was for him to convince you of the opposite. He could lead you like a lamb to the slaughter, and you’d go willingly, bleating up at him with all your love and affection as he pushed you into the chute.

His arm became heavy, and you heard his breaths lengthen in his chest, and you knew he was asleep. You had an alarm set, so you curled up in his warmth, letting him doze, allowing yourself to sink into the murky blackness of sleep along with him.

SATURDAY — Lunchtime: 6 days until the wedding

Johnny had changed into something clean and left you in bed, kissing your face and promising all sorts of filthy things to you after the bar crawl tonight. He begged you to dance with him when you wound up at the club, washing away your worries about Pidge, claiming she’d be too drunk to notice. You rushed him out, warning him she’d be here for lunch, and washed your sheets.

Sure enough, your phone rang and Pidge was outside your apartment, screaming with six other girls to be buzzed up not an hour after Johnny left, and you breathed a sigh of relief they’d missed each other coming and going.

You had the whole day planned out. Lunch was at a little cafe near the river, perfect for a photo op or two. Then, you’d booked a nail salon for mani-pedis for the whole squad. After that, it was back to the apartment to put on your faces before going “out-out”.

For the most part, the day had been a wild success. Pidge was already a little tipsy from the non-stop mimosas, and even though your bank account had seen better days, it wasn’t that bad. Now, you were in the middle of the evening ferality. Someone had ordered a pizza and there was hairspray in places you didn’t think hairspray could go. Marlowe was hiding in her cubby under your bed, and you were already done getting ready.

You’d told everyone it was black and white themed. Ham and Pidge would be in white, with all of you in black, and the goal at the end of the night was for them to find each other by hopping from bar to bar. The stag would chase the hen through downtown Glasgow, and you’d planned to have them all end up at The Berkeley Suite.

There were girls everywhere. It was like a bomb had gone off in your apartment, and there wasn’t really a space for privacy except for the bathroom (as long as you shooed everyone out of it first).

“I’ll just be a second!” You shouted over the thumping music, closing the door behind them.

You took care of business and spent a brief minute checking your phone. You had two texts from Johnny, and when you opened them, your breath caught in your throat.

Mo Chridhe: open this when youre alone thief

Mo Chridhe: blacksuit.jpg

Johnny had sent you a mirror selfie of his outfit, and he looked stunning. You couldn’t believe it was him. You’d never seen him so dressed up. His hair was shaven on the sides, the mohawk back to its full potential, and his suit was a gorgeous black with velvet lapels and a gold chain between the button holes. He wore no tie, instead letting the first two buttons hang open rakishly, showing off his tanned chest.

You texted him back:

You: you are still so damn hot lol

Mo Chridhe: show me you

You obeyed, taking a racy selfie in the bathroom mirror just like he had done. You showed off your cleavage , and the short, high cut of the dress as it hugged your ass. You tried your best to be pouty, just like all the Instagram models, but you weren’t sure if you succeeded.

Mo Chridhe: i might be the luckiest cunt alive or im dreamin

You: lol ;)

Mo Chridhe: ham might be chasin pidge all night but ill be chasin you

You smiled down at your phone before closing the app and returning to the fray.

Glittered, glammed, and ready for a night of debauchery, you took your phone off its charger and made your way out into the cold evening air. Pidge had brought a jacket, but Cherise had decided to go without, claiming that hot girls didn’t get cold. You were definitely cold, so you wondered what that implied.

The first stop was The Variety Bar. You had texted Johnny and told him to warn you before their first bar choice so that you could pay the tab and bolt before Hamish could put his hands on Pidge. But, it didn’t really work out like that. You had all ended up as one big group, and spent most of the time jokingly keeping them from kissing each other. Price held up a wet coaster between their mouths which sent Pidge coughing and spitting, causing enough of a ruckus that you decided to move to the next spot.

Johnny sat with you at the bar while you paid, trying his best to keep his hands off of you.

“Lookin’ like a right goddess tonight, you are.”

“Stop it,” you smiled, “No flirting allowed while your sister is literally right behind us.”

“Och,” he shook his head, “She’s in her own wee world. Where to next, lass?”

You slid the check back to the bartender and thanked him, turning to Johnny and smirking triumphantly, knowing he still needed to pay before he could follow you,

“Don’t you hunt people for a living? Come and get me.”

You left him at the bar, frozen with a delightful look of surprise on his face. You found Pidge and the other girls outside.

“Alright,” you smiled, “Onward. Let’s head over to Max’s.”

“Oh, God,” Anjali sighed, “You really want her to blackout, huh?”

“Fuck it! Max’s it is, ladies!” Pidge screamed.

Everyone cheered and marched on after her. She cuddled into your arm as you walked,

“Thank you so much for this, babes. You’re the best friend a girl could ask for, you know that?”

“You are, too,” you kissed her on her temple and squeezed her arm a bit tighter.

By the time you’d had two drinks at Max’s, Hamish’s clan found you again. Gaz was the one who spotted you through the window, holding his hands up to the glass and pointing you out.

“Uh oh,” you smiled, “Last call, girls.”

Cherise laughed,

“I don’t know why we’re running. Might as well just party with them.”

“It’s tradition, right?” Bekah rolled her eyes.

“Well,” Pidge shrugged, “You all can wait here then, if you prefer the boys to me.”

“No! Pidge, that’s not it, babe,” Cherise protested.

Pidge drunkenly waved her off,

“It’s fine, no worries. See you at Berkeley’s. How about that?”

Pidge stormed off out the door, and you followed behind trying to get her to calm down. She eventually did, drinking the water you had bought for her. But, that was how the group got split. Half the boys ended up with you and Pidge and Anjali, and the other half waited at Max’s until the happy hour rounds were over.

You’d gotten all settled in at Berkeley, listening to the loud club music, letting the high of your buzz wash over you, trying not to think about how nice it would be to have Johnny here, dancing with you like he promised.

Then, Pidge realized she forgot her jacket, so she sent you back to the other bar. You left her with Gaz and Ghost, and Price wandered out into the street with you.

“‘Bout time Hamish finally caught his hen anyway,” you speculated as you walked with him.

“Aye,” he agreed, “And maybe your stag as well.”

Your eyes darted up to him and then checked over your shoulder, just to make sure Pidge wasn’t behind you.

Price continued,

“Are you sure keepin’ him a secret is the right thing? He’s dyin’ to tell her. Fuck, he was tellin’ people he didn’t even know about you.”

You smiled,

“Yeah, I know. I just want the wedding to be about her. Nothing is ever about her, you know? She deserves to have a day where she doesn’t need to consider other people’s feelings for once.”

“What about your feelings?” Price asked.

You didn’t answer him. You just shrugged and kept walking. Suddenly, you heard screaming behind you,

“Wait! Wait up!”

Pidge and the rest of the crew rushed over to you and Price.

“What’s wrong?” You asked.

“We’re gonna surprise Hamish this time,” Pidge smiled, pulling out a big confetti popper from her purse.

“Oh, God,” you grinned, looping your arm through hers and dragging her along.

Nothing was going according to plan that night, but you were so tired that it was hard for you to care. You weren’t even sure if Hamish’s group was still at the other bar, and you hadn’t heard a thing from Bekah or Cherise.

Finally, you made it back to Max’s. Just as you were about to open the door, it burst open and out poured Johnny, tangled in Bekah’s arms. She was giggling and kissing his cheek, leaving streaks of purple lipstick all over his freshly shaven skin. He was holding her close to him, his fingers digging into her side so tightly.

You knew what that felt like.

You gasped, stepping back, stunned. He looked right into your eyes and stopped. The whole world came to a grinding halt. All of the time that you had spent together seemed to lay out in front of you, prostrating itself, and being found unworthy. You felt nothing. Just a creeping numbness that leaked into your core, a fire burning without kindling, unable to be extinguished.

“Och, Jesus and all the fuckin’ saints,” Pidge threw her hands up, “Couldnae even wait until after the party to get your hands into one of my mates, could you? Arsehole. Get outta the way.”

“No, tha’s not it, Pidge!” He frowned, “Bekah doesnae —”

“Bekah, what?” Pidge spat in his face, “Bekah doesnae care that you’ll turn up next month or next year or next week in a box with the wee Scottish flag draped over it? Okay. Now, move yourself from the door, Jonathan.”

Bekah was sort of octopusing herself around him, wrapping her arms around his neck and shoulders, sucking on his earlobe, caring very little about the Scottish flag no matter where it was draped.

Johnny was trying to fight her off now, suddenly angry at Pidge,

“What did you just say to me, Brigette?”

“Oh, shut up! You’re just like your da, and you’ll end up dead like him, too. See?” Pidge turned to you suddenly, eyes wild with fury, “This is why I warned you, Johnny MacTavish is a fuckin’ widowmaker. And that’s all he’ll ever be.”

She finally made it around her brother and wrenched the door open, disappearing into the club. Johnny still had Bekah in his arms, and you couldn’t be there anymore. You turned and walked in the direction of your apartment, miles away but hell-bent on getting back there.

“Hey! Wait! Thief, please. This isn’t what it looks like,” his voice was cold and distant. You didn’t turn around to listen. You weren’t sure what it looked like, but you didn’t need to see it to know how it felt.

Johnny could have Bekah. He was allowed to have her. He was not allowed to have you, and you couldn’t have him. That much was clear now. You should’ve listened to your friend. You’d known all along, hadn’t you?

“Wait, mèirleach!”

You spun on him like a snake, striking out sure and true,

“Don’t fucking call me that.”

He could see in your eyes that you were serious, venomous as you were in your delivery. His eyes looked desperate, like a kicked dog, but he didn’t let her go. She smiled and waved at you, looking drunker than you’d ever seen anyone look. You tasted the bile in your mouth from your disgust.

Price jogged to keep up with you, and he grabbed your arm,

“Wait, girl. Just wait a second.”

You jerked your hand away and hailed a cab that was pulled over on your side of the street. You climbed in and shut the door, begging the cabbie to drive quickly, and he did. You stared out the window, watching all of the lights blind you as they seared into your eyes, burning the images you’d seen that night brightly into your memory.

+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

Chapter 09

[tc-lp]

Comment Bingo: Old Fic Edition

Original Bingo Card by @feedthefandomfest

This card is to encourage commenting on older fics.

*

I realize this doesn't have to be all for the same fandom or pairing. But I'm gonna count only kylux fics.

I'm also aiming to comment on fics I've never read before. Some of them are in my ever growing reading queue, others I found while searching for a square's exact criteria.

List of fics under cut.

*

1. Posted First Year of its Fandom's Existence

2. 6+ Years Old & Under 30 Kudos

3. Posted 10+ Years Ago Since the pairing is younger than 10 years I'm going for: Posted Within the 1st Month After TFA's Release

once I could see (now I am blind), by cracktheglasses (cormallen) ⎢ 4k ⎢ Rated E ⎢ posted 16 January 2016

If Ren dies, they’ll all be joining him, Hux thinks, because he’s going to have to scuttle the ship. Pick a camp on D’Qar, or whatever other pathetic hell-hole in the Outer Rim the Resistance calls home, and smash all three kilometres of the Finalizer right into the gooey center. (Or, the map is lost, Starkiller is lost, and Kylo Ren is seriously injured. Hux doesn't deal with it very well)

4. Rec Fic (1+ Year Old) on Tumblr and/or Discord & Tell the Author So

sensory memory by Lost_In_Mind_Palace ⎢ 4k ⎢ WIP, but can be read as a stand-alone ⎢ Rated M ⎢ posted 13 July 2023

Rec post can be found here!

And Ren's back here, by Hux's side, invading his personal space, probably with his personal interests which Hux can't quite figure out yet. 'Who are you?' Hux mumbles, pushing his face into the warm chest so he doesn't have to see this odd, foreign face anymore. Ren laughs madly, not paying much attention to the ravings of the madman Hux became. 'Someone who's gonna take you away from here.' As if that was enough of an answer. Before Hux blacks out again, he's sure of one thing--the only place where Ren is able to take him is hell. * After losing everything, the last thing Hux needs is his long-gone home. Ren disagrees. Alas, Ren is also the pilot here.

5. Posted in the Past 2-6 Months

6. Sort by Date Updated: Fic Listed in Final 10 Pages

7. 1-2 Years Old & Under 5 Comments

8. Comment on an Author's Oldest Fic

9. 3-5 Years Old & Under 20 Kudos

10. Sort by Dates Updated: Fic Listed on LAST PAGE

11. Posted 6-9 Years Ago

fever to tell by IrisParry ⎢ 8k ⎢ Rated E ⎢ posted 1 January 2017

Hux was waving the thought like an obscene placard, and when Kylo latched onto it he made a low sound, half surprise and half pleasure, grip tightening around Kylo's wrist. It was crude, but appealing nonetheless, and it rose up on a seething mass of images and emotions that Hux hadn't a hope of concealing now. Kylo took a deep breath, centring himself, resisting the temptation to just take and take. Hux thinks he understands what Kylo Ren wants from him. So does Kylo Ren.

12. WIP Last Updated 3-5 Years Ago

Days Under Different Suns by GingersSailboat ⎢ 18k ⎢ WIP ⎢ Rated M ⎢ last updated 20 Feb. 2020

Armitage Hux wakes up on a shuttle he doesn't recognise, drifting through dead space with two open wounds and an air supply that's running out fast. He has no idea who put him there, and remembers nothing beyond being shot by General Pryde. Ben Solo is slowly integrating with the Resistance, who are now intent on restoring peace to the galaxy and ending the cycle of hatred and wars that has plagued them for so long. Although every effort is being made to accept him and put him to use, there is a part of him that can't stop thinking about Hux, who he believes to be dead and continues to mourn despite the conflict it brings to his new relationships among the Resistance. (A.K.A - a much-needed fix-it fic wherein Hux survives his execution, with the help of some loyal First Order officers, and sets about attempting to find Ben so they can continue the relationship that had been developing between them before the events of RoS. Please read notes for more information!)

13. Free

14. Sort by Date Updated: Fic Listed on Random Page

15. Comment on Every Chapter of Long-Running WIP

16. WIP Last Updated 1-2 Years Ago

To Take The Sun by phylonoe ⎢ 30k ⎢ WIP ⎢ Rated M ⎢ last updated 7 Aug. 2023

As a professor, you really shouldn't fall in love with your students. That's gotta be the number one uh-oh. Unfortunately, he's beautiful, and Armitage can't do much but let it happen. or Ben Solo wakes up with a panic attack for the third time in as many days. He's tired. So is Hux. The term is just about over, and neither of them have anything they can do except finish finals and figure out how to avoid the other one. With two people trying, you'd really think that would be easier.

17. Posted in Your Birthday Month at Least a Year Ago

18. 6+ Years Old & Under 15 Comments

19. Posted 3-5 Years Ago

20. WIP Last Updated 6+ Years Ago

21. 3-5 Years Old & Under 10 Comments

22. Posted 1-2 Years Ago

23. Sort by Date Updated: Fic Listed in Middle Pages

24. Comment, Kudos, & Bookmark Fic Completed 1+ Year Ago

25. 1-2 Years Old & Under 10 Kudos

[muirmarie]

mcspirk month mYEAR planning post

idk if anyone likes these (these being planning posts), but here, it feels weird to have it tucked away in my notes when my BTHB and mcspirk bingo planning posts are on here, so. anywho. you know the drill: this is just me rambling, feel free to ignore!!

the bolded are those i still don't have a plan for <3 - as per my usual these are all tos unless otherwise noted

Day 1: Forced Proximity (“this isn’t a blessing,” mccoy hisses. “one day,” the king says, “you’ll see that is it.” - the one where spock and kirk cannot get more than an arm's length away from mccoy for 30 days w/o causing him debilitating pain)

Day 2: Touch-starved (spock and kirk cuddle mccoy out of touch starvation - this is like 75% done, I just need to finish it)

Day 3: Only One Bed (established mckirk to mcspirk. um. very nsfw. by far the most nsfw i’ve ever even considered writing lmao. currently sitting at almost 12k, probably will be around 15-17k all told. i don't even know how to describe this. kirk aggressively helping spock play gay chicken with mccoy until mccoy finally believes spock wants both of them, idk.)

Day 4: Hand Holding (maybe the one where spock & kirk slowly gaslight mccoy into holding hands with them - yes the tags are spones but i am very certain kirk would be very happy to gaslight mccoy into hand-holding as well)

Day 5: [hurt comfort or against a wall (no story planned)]

Day 6: Protective McCoy (no story planned *eta - actually i think i am going to take the one elian assigned me w/o even asking me lmao, where mccoy drinks the poison meant for kirk, but don't tell him that)

Day 7: Hand Kink (the one where spock is cucked w/ hand sex lmao)

Day 8: Public Display of Affection (would you still love and/or employ me if i was a worm?)

Day 9: Spock is a Hopeless Romantic (the flirty spock one probably?)

Day 10: [Hands or a bonus (no story planned)]

Day 11: Fuck or Die (vulcan sex magic hanahaki, this is, like. I have elements of it, but it’s not nailed down yet quite how it works. it's a vulcan disease but naturally mccoy's the one who gets it.)

Day 12: Aliens Made them Do It (the plato’s stepchildren one - i've been poking at this one since. like. january lmao. it's maybe 30% done, but it's not gonna be super long, i'm just slow with it. it is. hm. not a fluffy story. the platonians decide that mccoy simply needs to learn to say yes to them. how helpful they have spock and kirk around to help underscore the point.)

Day 13: [time loop or sex in a three way body swap or a bonus (no story planned, BUT do I really wanna write another time loop fic and/or can I really handle writing another smut fic lmao. If I did do time loop tho it would be the one where Kirk refuses to leave the time loop until he can solve the no-win scenario, i just don’t know how that goes yet. The sex in a three way body swap would be the AOS mcspirkura one, probably. Or the tos spones to mcspirk one. idk idk.)]

Day 14: Tarsus IV (kirk: i always knew i’d die alone. this is....jim character study, i think? I do need to come up w/ a happy (or at least: not sad) ending for it tho. So I’m still Thinking about this one.)

Day 15: Fake Dating (the one where the royal is trying to marry mccoy in order to keep him, and spock and kirk independently decide to fake date him to save him. also sarek loves trashy romance books. background uhura/scotty.)

Day 16: Lost the Ability to Speak (bones and uhura signing in federation common sign language - yes that's vague but all i need is something to center around tbh)

Day 17: McCoy Hurt w/ Spock & Kirk Comfort (this is like 95% of what i write lmao but i don’t have a specific plot yet)

Day 18: [Jealous Bones OR Oral Fixation (no story planned but it it’s jealousy it’s not gonna be traditional jealousy, bc I’m generally not a fan of jealousy storylines (unless all parties are unaware that they’re jealous - those I find VERY funny)]

Day 19: [Kirk is Missing, Presumed Dead or a bonus - probably a bonus (no story planned)]

Day 20: Accidental Voyeurism (okay the one where mccoy wakes up and his arm is trapped underneath kirk’s head and spock’s holding that hand as he’s laying on top of kirk and making out with him. I will have to find a plot tho. a reason. a Reason. It’s not established spirk either)

Day 21: Bondage (heh established spirk discovering mccoy’s penchant for getting tied up and/or tying others up and then literally not able to shut up about their platonic friends private habits for like a solid three months. they only care platonically of course. you don’t need those other ppl to tie you up bones you’ve got us. this one’s about 10% started.)

Day 22: Mirrorverse (mirrorverse katra sharing, it’s a whole thing, this is out of my wheelhouse but i have some Ideas, but this one isn’t going to be anytime soon)

Day 23: [reunion or teasing or a bonus (no story planned) - *eta actually for teasing i could maybe do the one where spock conducts an "experiment" in a private lab where he has mccoy & kirk work on a project for him while he gets extremely handsy w/ them - he's doing a study ("study" - they're all aware this is just spock's ideal version of foreplay) about human arousal in a working environment, and they're supposed to not let him distract them*]

Day 24: Temporary Blindness (this is going to be such a long messy mccoy whump story tbh. orpheus and eurydice part two. before i can even really start it tho i have to decide on pov, because that….really affects things for this one. but i mostly know how the story goes. also not anytime soon tho, maybe not even this year)

Day 25: Praise Kink (i COULD go temporary awkward ability if i don’t want to write anything too sexy, but the planned version is, like, kirk blossoms like a bashful babe and spock is genuinely moved when it comes to praise, but mccoy turns bright red and wants them to stop? BUT they like so much the way he flushes and struggles to accept the praise that they ask him to be good for them because THEY like it, and so he’s absolutely mortified but still? allows it for them? and they of course like it because they want to make him accept it.)

Day 26: Expectations vs Reality (counseling fic! The one where spock and kirk are dating but still somehow drag mccoy to their relationship counseling.)

Day 27: Vacation Gone Awry (no story planned) (*eta actually i think i'm changing this to Voyeurism and stretching that to make it work for the spirk - they keep coming up w/ weird sex injuries until they can finally convince mccoy to come over to help them figure out what they're doing wrong....he probably needs to watch....actually maybe hands on is better....actually maybe he just needs to stay forever*)

Day 28: Awkward Spock (checking for pulse over the liver instead of the wrist because he forgets where human hearts are when jim or leonard is hurt)

Day 29: Getting Interrupted (mcspirk sexy 3d chess - that’s right they’re interrupting mccoy’s WORK lmao)

Day 30: Desperate Measures (the enemy within one that’s 80% finished where kirk’s wolf and sheep sides both have to have sex w/ mccoy while spock melds with them both, all for very important science reasons - don’t worry about it.)

Day 31: Insecurity (*eta - mccoy gets out of a LDR and is bummed, and kirk tries to cheer him up by putting his name up for the underground "sexiest starfleet officer" bracket that scotty & uhura are running, to prove to mccoy that ppl find him attractive. unfortunately it turns out the crew finds him VERY attractive, kirk is having some jealously-related revelations, spock is gonna kill jim if he has to watch mccoy get asked out one more time, and mcco is yay close to having a nervous breakdown from being turned into a sex symbol*)

Bonus 1: nightmares (look this is fucked, just trust me this is a very messy thing and it is very fucked and i have to make all my maths fit together before i write it or it will feel too flimsy and fall apart, but. kirk's trapped in a nightmare by a parasite that bleeds into the waking world (there are reasons for it) that cause physical damage to mccoy. spock melds w/ kirk to try to change the dream. this has unexpected side effects. - this one WILL be written for mcspirk month i just don't know what day i'm replacing yet.)

Bonus 2: pet names (i think i might be able to fit the kiss me/fuck me fic into this prompt but i’m not 100% sure yet - aka the one where mccoy & kirk use “kiss me” as a SFW swear for “fuck me” and “don’t make me kiss you” as a SFW swear for “fuck you” and annoy everyone around them w/ this silly in joke until one time mccoy says “kiss me” w/o thinking to spock, and spock’s just. hmm. don’t mind if i do. and kirk thinks it’s so funny he starts kissing mccoy all the time as WELL. very pre-them even realizing they want a relationship (except for spock, spock has Plans, thank you). this will be written at SOME point, it depends if i need another bonus/if it fits the prompt enough.)

Other bonuses i’d consider if i need them, but no stories planned: blindfolds, misuse of the bond, uhura helps them out.

Other vague stories i have that i could rotate until they might fit a prompt: pacific rim au, space forgetties, [number]+1 of mccoy getting kissed awake/the +1 getting kissed to shut him up, spock going through the wringer re: mccoy getting hurt (that was written spones but could easily by mcspirk), empath era katra au, post-empath spock won't stop touching mccoy, katra transfer requires a kiss, this isn’t even all of them, it genuinely is absurd how many tag spirals i’ve written like this lmaoooo /sigh 

[chuwuyas]

about c&r

Hello my dear saioumers, it is I, jul chuwuyas. I wanted to stop by to talk a little bit about c&r since people ask me about it a lot

Unfortunately, to talk about it, I will have to dive into some personal stuff and share some things with you all that I've been keeping to myself for quite some time now and didn't really want to share, but felt like I needed to. So, since some stuff will be kinda, uh... serious? I will put everything under the cut

(TL;DR for those who don't wanna read about my personal life tho: c&r is NOT abandoned, but writer's block is not the only reason why I haven't updated the fic yet (tho it is one of them). I don't know when the hiatus will end. I'm sorry)

(CW for the things under the cut: mental illness, pet death, suicide ideation)

So, to start: yes, writer's block is one of the reasons why c&r is on hiatus. No, I have not been lying about it. I burned out so badly in 2021 that it's Still hard for me to write things that satisfy me because I reached my peak back then and was popping out 5, 6 fics in a month for 7/8 whole months when my usual is/was about 2 or 3 a year (if you check my ao3 page and the dates in which my fics were posted, you'll see that aside from the danganronpa fics, that usually was the case. I'm a slow writer). I'm still recovering. And the universe seems to not want me to.

Last year, around January, I felt like I was finally setting myself free from writer's block. I started writing something for my oc ship (yes, yes, I know. Not c&r. But what can I say? They bring me comfort) and I was so happy with what I got, so inspired to write, I was actually seeing the words on the doc again.

Then, one of my three cats got sick. Then, he died.

It completely broke me in a way I don't think I will ever recover. I was extremely attached to him and I drained all the money I had saved for therapy to try to save him, but it didn't work and I lost my cat, the money, and consequently my mental health. We spent almost an entire month taking him to the vet and bringing him back home because the vet kept telling us he was okay and then he'd get even worse and need hospitalization again, so that was more money spent on him. I had my friends help me with that, and I am immensely grateful even though it didn't work out in the end. Thank you for helping me bring him some comfort on his last days @ friendos.

After he died, a couple of months later, I tried writing again and managed to write a few thousand words, but my mental health still wasn't the best. Then, I started getting some personal problems that I will not talk about here but took a toll on me and shoved me back into the writer's block box, but now with the addition of increasingly growing self-doubt and depressive thoughts that soon turned suicidal.

Then, around September, another cat of mine got sick. And, this time, we didn't have money to help him.

He was my best friend. We basically grew up together (he was 13 and was born when I was 11, so I had him longer than I didn't have him) and I was also extremely attached to him. When he got sick, I would sit down on the floor and talk to him in tears asking him to hold on just until I got a job so I could pay for his bills. I didn't get a job fast enough to help him. It was me who found him, too.

From August to November, things were so bad in my life (between my personal life, my pets' deaths, and family members getting sick) I genuinely caught myself considering ending my suffering. Planning it. Thinking about it every day. Not wanting to wake up. It was a rough period of my life that I made it through alone because I didn't really tell anyone what was going on with me. I wished I could go back to the past. I wished I could change things to make the future not so bad. I'm still caught up in the past and nostalgic for a time that will not come back no matter how much I wish it would. But I pushed it through.

And one of the things that kept me from ending it all was the fact I haven't finished c&r yet.

I didn't wanna go without concluding the story. I didn't wanna go without showing you all what I have planned for the last chapter and how this story will end. So, I started using c&r as some sort of anchor — something to keep me going because I still have something to do on this earth before leaving. I love this story and I don't wanna leave it unfinished. I wanna see your reactions reading the last chapter, the freaking out, the key smashes, the DMs I'll receive, the theories, the fanarts. I love how big this story got and the little fandom it got for itself. People love something that I wrote so much they make art of it! They cosplay the characters, they write things based on it! It's so mindblowing that something like this would ever happen to me, I started telling myself: I can't die until I finish catch & release.

My mental health is way better now and I'm no longer considering suicide (though, ough, it sucks not having a lot of money). I have a job now and can pay for the vet in case my last cat gets sick. My personal life is good now, too, and my relative who's sick is doing a lot better. I have things to look forward to. Things are good now. I'm happy, though I still miss my cats every day.

I am, however, still using c&r as one of my anchors, and I don't know when I will stop doing so. So, for now, the fic is still on hiatus. But it isn't abandoned, and it will never be. I will finish it one day. So, until then, keep bearing with me.

Thank you for reading, and most of all thank you for understanding. I love you all.

[kingofthering]

I’ve touched on my experience in Le Mans this season (2024) and I have free time on my hands so I thought I could talk about my experience there in 2023.

CONTEXT

— I semi-impulsively bought the ticket at the end of January (2023) when I was on the website of the GP and saw that they had some GS seats left. I had a Zarco GS seat so I was right in front of the Raccordement and could see the straight before the finish line (I paid 159€ for it).

— At this point, I had only started getting into MotoGP a couple months prior and the only GP I had watched live was Valencia 2022. Le Mans was only a one-hour train ride away from where I lived and finding an okay-priced bedroom on AirBnB was a successful mission so I just thought this is low preparation, I’ll have fun, let’s go.

— I went alone and didn’t know anyone there. More under the cut.

OVERALL

— My only motorsport race weekend experience before that was GA in Monza 2022, you might have heard about how chaotic that was. Le Mans was such a relief in comparison.

— I’ve touched on it in my 2024 debrief but the Bugatti circuit has an entrance that is 150 meters away from the terminus of one of the tramway lines. Getting there from my AirBnB literally took 20 minutes door to door.

— I arrived at the doors around 8:30 on Friday, 7 on Saturday and 8:30 on Sunday. I didn’t have to queue at all at the gate on the first two days. I might have queued like 5 minutes on Sunday (reminder : Le Mans beat the previous attendance record that weekend with 278k people over 3 days).

— I bought at the circuit headphones that could do radio and connect to the speakers of the circuit. It cost 60 euros but it was so worth it (for the ears protection + the radio aspect of thing). If you wanna go the cheapest route, definitely have some sort of ear protection with you (ear plugs work as well).

FRIDAY

— Since I arrived early, there weren’t a lot of people at the fanzone. I was able to go see some bikes and then gain a free Red Bull after doing the reflexes game with the lights you have to tap with your hands.

— I went to my GS to see P1 and then came back to the fanzone around noon. I saw that some people were already waiting in front of the stage so I went to wait with them. I eventually ended up talking with some of the people there, especially the girls who asked about my Charles Stint Apparel sweatshirt.

— I think we started having people on stage at like 2pm? There was a DJ and some people I don’t remember intervening. Well, I do remember Hervé Poncharal and the CIP boys being there (can you believe I saw Mig from up close before realizing how insanely cool he was? I’m still terribly sad about that).

— Eventually, after P2 was done, it was time for the MotoGP riders to get there. First we had Rinsy & Taka, Pecco & Enea, then Johann & Jorge, Fabio & Franky and finally Marc & Joan.

— Essentially they all stayed about 15 minutes on stage, the guy managing the stage asked them questions and then the public could ask questions as well. On their way down from the stage they all stopped for autographs and selfies. I was second row/barely touching the barrier so I only took photos of them and had help from my new friends to get my Michelin cap signed by a bunch of them.

— I miraculously got to have the mic when Honda was there (only public question they took, they were only on stage for about 6 minutes because things got out of schedule) and I got to ask Marc a question. I did not ask anyone to film (yes I have regrets, ‘o my heart wasn’t doing well then) but essentially I asked him how he was feeling coming back and what he liked about Le Mans considering he’d won there 4 times already in the past. He paused me at the beginning of my question so he could find me in the public and look at me while I was asking the question, sweetest thing (bar is on the floor, I do not care, this is Marc).

— After that, we got some Moto2 pairs on stage as well : KTM Ajo (Pedro & Albert Arenas), GasGas (Jake & Izan) & Speed Up (Alonso & Fermin).

— During the afternoon people handed over a bunch of things to the first rows in the public and that’s how I got a signed by Marc Honda cap and a bracelet that would grant me access to the Hero Walk on Saturday morning.

— Overall an insane afternoon. Super tiring and not always easy (people were pushing a lot at some points and I am small™️) but definitely worth it.

SATURDAY

— They said the Hero Walk would be at 9 but I arrived at 7 because I didn’t know how many people would be there and I definitely wanted a front row for that. Things got kind of hectic when they put the final barriers but I did get said front row against the barriers.

— Almost all the riders came by (it lasted a little under an hour, almost until the beginning of FP). The public sang a Marseillaise for Fabio (as it did the day before during the fanzone event).

— I got to have my cap signed by a bunch of guys and also take selfies with a couple of them. I had my photo with Bezz as a lockscreen for a good while after the event (including the Sunday when he won) and I still have the photo with Alex as my insta pfp. Some of the guys you couldn’t talk to at all because too many people were calling for their attention (ex: Marc, Fabio…) but I got to congratulate Alex & Brad on their previous results and they were both super nice. Super nice experience that I still think about fondly.

— I went to my GS for quali and the sprint. I came by the fanzone for the second half of the MotoGP riders events. I was too far to ask for the mic again but I watched them all and I do have a small video of Tony speaking in French.

— At night, from about 7:30 to 9pm, they had a Mechanical Show on the straight with a lot of people doing stunts on motorbikes. Fabio also came by (Tom, Mathilde, Tony & Jake were there as well). He spoke some words and threw his helmet into the public. The whole thing was pretty cool.

— I know they had concerts on Fri & Sat at the fanzone but I didn’t stay for any so I won’t be able to talk about them.

SUNDAY

— Truthfully, I don’t think I have much to say about Sunday. I think Sundays will forever by my least favorite day at the race track.

— Essentially, I got there, waited in line nearly half an hour to buy a Red Bull can for 5 euros, watched warm up, watched the parade (that I still think is a super boring events for fans) and then the races.

— I was a little apprehensive about getting back to the train station but honestly things were super well organized with trams, it was quite nice.

[twwpress]

Weekly Press Briefing #81

Welcome back to the Weekly Press Briefing, where we bring you highlights from The West Wing fandom each week, including new fics, ongoing challenges, and more! This briefing covers all things posted from January 7 – January 13. Did we miss something? Let us know; you can find our contact info at the bottom of this briefing! 

Challenges/Prompts:

There are no open challenges/prompts that we know of this week. Do you have a challenge or event you’d like us to promote or know of one we’re missing? Be sure to get in touch with us! Contact info is at the bottom of this briefing.

This Week in Canon:

Welcome back to This Week in Canon, where we revisit moments in The West Wing that occurred on these dates during the show’s run.

Season 1, Episode 12: He Shall, From Time to Time aired on January 12, 2000.

Season 2, Episode 11: The Leadership Breakfast aired on January 10, 2001.

Season 3, Episode 10: H-Con 172 aired on January 9, 2002.

Season 4, Episode 12: Guns Not Butter aired on January 8, 2003.

Season 5, Episode 10: The Stormy Present aired on January 7, 2004.

Season 6, Episode 12: Opposition Research aired on January 12, 2005

Season 7, Episode 10: Running Mates aired on January 8, 2006.

Photos/Videos:

Here’s what was posted from January 7 - January 13:

Bradley Whitford posted promo for a memorial screening of Not Going Quietly, the documentary about Ady Barkan.

Dulé Hill posted photos of himself and his daughter Kennedy on a USO trip. 

Josh Malina posted an AI-altered photo of himself with wings sprouting from his head. 

Marlee Matlin posted a slideshow of herself and her husband having date night at The Academy’s Governors Awards. 

Marlee Matlin posted a video sharing one of her favorite tattoos and celebrating 37 years of sobriety. 

Melissa Fitzgerald posted promo for Modern Warrior live in LA on January 17. 

Rob Lowe posted photos with the guys from NFL on Fox from his new game show, The Floor. \

Rob Lowe posted a photo from the last table read of the second season of his Netflix show, Unstable. 

Rob Lowe posted a promo video for The Floor. 

Rob Lowe posted a photo of himself napping with his dog Daisy.

Rob Lowe posted a video of himself singing with Robert Downey Jr. as they get ready for his episode of Rob’s podcast.  

Donna Moss Daily: January 7 | January 8 | January 9 | January 10 | January 11 | January 12 | January 13

Daily Josh Lyman: January 7 | January 8 | January 9 | January 10 | January 11 | January 12 | January 13

No Context BWhit: January 7 | January 8 | January 9 | January 10 | January 11 | January 12 | January 13

@twwarchive: January 7 | January 8 | January 9 | January 10 | January 11 | January 12 | January 13

Edits/Artwork

#joshdonna: heart eyes by @nacejisbon [VIDEO EDIT] #joshdonna: options by @nacejisbon [VIDEO EDIT]

Editors’ Choice: 

This week, we’re recommending fics with a found family component to them! Be sure to share your favorites as well!

fathers and sons by rearviewmirror | Rated T | Zoey Bartlet/Charlie Young, Abbey Bartlet/Jed Bartlet/Leo McGarry | Complete | “It’s good to be a little scared. Scared means you care. Caring means you’re gonna do great.” the way old friends do by mikaylawrites for swancharmings | Rated T | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | Complete | They’ve formed a natural trio at events like these; they’re the in-laws, so to speak. While everyone else is getting up to their usual antics, they’re likely to be the ones quietly observing in the corner of the room, or convening in the kitchen to catch up on each other’s lives and sneaking food when Abbey isn’t looking. Donna, Toby, Charlie, and the chaotic people they love. breathe by jazzjo | Rated G | C.J. Cregg/Andrea Wyatt, Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | Complete | She had never expected to see past her twenties, let alone this. She has her little brother and his family next door, music in all her days, and this family she's found in the midst of everything. Yes, she thinks, this is all she’ll ever need. now don’t lose your fight kid by sam_writes_fics | Rated T | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | Complete | The night of the Illinois Primary. a glamorous invitation by jeaniecregg | Rated G | C. J. Cregg/Toby Ziegler | Complete | CJ joins Toby, Josh, and Sam for Thanksgiving. brothers in arms by hufflepuffhermione | Rated G | Josh Lyman/Donna Moss | Complete | “Do you have any siblings, Joshua?” the teacher asked. Have. Present tense. He worried the faux wood of the desk with his fingers, his head pounding as the teacher raised his voice with another “Joshua”. Josh finally allowed a strangled, “No,” to escape, and put his head down on the desk, because saying that two letter word meant that it was true, that he was now an only child. Josh Lyman was no longer a brother, and he didn’t know who he was anymore. Josh Lyman and how he reclaims the title of brother. if you’re looking for the girl of your dreams, she’s in brooklyn with me by starsontheceiling for TheBreakfastGenie | Rated G | C. J. Cregg & Josh Lyman (No Pairings Listed) Complete | “Why do you talk to me like this?” “Because you never had a big sister, and you need one.” Snapshots of CJ and Josh, over the years.

Stay tuned for our reblog with this week's fics!

[foundtherightwords]

The Quiet Chaos - Chapter 8

Pairing: Billy Knight (Lethal White/Strike) x OFC

Summary: After a bad breakup throws her carefully-planned life into disarray, Esme has sworn off dating forever. However, when she forms an unexpected connection with a young man named Billy, who's dealing with his own struggles, Esme is forced to face the truth: sometimes you can't plan for love.  

Warnings: mental health issues, angst, slow-burn, developing relationship, dysfunctional family, some violence (non-graphic), some smut (non-explicit)

Chapter warnings: some violence, angst

Chapter word count: 4.7k

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5

Chapter 6 - Chapter 7

Chapter 8 - The Abyss

"Billy, come on. We'll be late," Esme called. She could hear Billy banging about in his tiny bathroom. "I'm sure you look fine."

It was the night of the exhibition at the studio. Billy had finished his carving a few days ago, though he refused to let Esme see it. "It'll be a surprise," he'd said. But now, at this rate, they wouldn't even be able to leave his flat, let alone make it to the studio in time.

After some more banging, the door opened. Billy emerged, immobilized in his button-up shirt and sport coat, like a kid in uniform on his first day of school. The tie, which Esme had bought for him, was clutched in his frustrated fist. His beard and hair had been trimmed, though some rogue strands still insisted on rebelling.

"I'm sorry, but I can't wear the tie," he said.

"You want me to do it up for you?"

"It's not that. I feel like I'm being strangled."

He looked at Esme in her dress—it was the same cocktail dress she'd worn on New Year's Eve. Back when she and Neil used to go out every night, her wardrobe was filled with a whole selection of evening dresses, most of which got sold or donated after the breakup. She was glad she'd kept this one though. "You look great," Billy said glumly. "I look like a twat."

"No, you look handsome," Esme said honestly, giving him a kiss. "Even without the tie."

"Do we have to do this?" he grumbled. "I can think of several better ways to spend an evening... starting with this." He grabbed her by the waist and kissed her back, playful at first, then becoming more seductive as he trailed his lips along her jaw, then took her earlobe between his teeth and tugged gently at it, before moving down her neck. It took all of Esme's self-control to push him away.

"Jacob will be very disappointed if you don't show," she reminded him. "Besides, there will be clients and customers there. This could mean a better job, doing something you love. We don't have to stay long. We can leave with plenty of time to—" Here she gave in and sank into his arms again.

The exhibition started at eight, and it was almost seven thirty when they finally managed to leave the flat, fifteen minutes later than Esme had planned. She could tell, from the way Billy fiddled with the sleeves of his coat and kept tucking a lock of hair behind his ear, that he was nervous—perhaps not as nervous as he'd been during their first date; his hypomania had gotten a lot better since then—but nervous nonetheless. She fixed his coat so the lapels were symmetrical and slipped her arm around his waist, holding him to her. "It'll be great. Don't worry."

They had agreed to walk to the studio—it wasn't far, the night was unseasonably warm for January, and the walk would help Billy work off some of his nervous energy. Esme kept her arm around Billy, her skin tingling pleasantly when he reached under her jacket and rested his hand on her bare back.

As they approached the footbridge that would take them down to the river bank, Billy's hand suddenly froze. A figure just detached itself from the shadow under the bridge and loomed in front of them. For a moment, Esme thought Neil had escalated to stalking her, but then the figure spoke, and her fear only worsened.

"What a lovely picture you two made." Despite the slurring, she still recognized that cold, hard voice. Jimmy.

Billy's hand moved from her back to clench around her wrist, so tightly it almost hurt.

Jimmy stepped into the light. He looked worse than when they'd last seen him on Boxing Day. His stubble had grown into a full, untidy beard, and his eyes were sunken and bloodshot. Even from a distance, Esme could smell alcohol on his breath, and judging by those eyes, he was probably stoned as well.

"Leave us alone, Jimmy," Billy said, a desperate note in his voice.

"Don't waste your breath on him," Esme said, digging for her phone in her bag. "I'm calling the police."

"Yes, call them by all means." He lifted his hand, and Esme's heart caught in her throat. Jimmy was holding one of Billy's chisels, awkwardly as if he wasn't used to having it in his fingers, turning it so the yellow light from the street lamps glinted off of it. He must've taken it from Billy's flat. "They'll be very interested to see this buried in your pretty little neck, with my brother's fingerprints all over it, won't they?"

"They'd find your fingerprints on it first, you idiot," Esme snapped, trying to keep her voice steady.

"Oh, it'll be easy enough to put Billy's fingerprints on it, right, Billy?"

Billy let out a strangled noise.

"Don't listen to him, Billy," Esme said. "He's only trying to frighten you." For one thing, from what Billy told her, Jimmy was not a killer. For another, he seemed too inebriated to actually keep a firm grasp on the chisel, let alone stab anyone with it.

Jimmy grinned horribly. "Am I?"

Doubt sneaked into Esme's mind. Jimmy was not a violent man, but who knew how prison had changed him. Even if he didn't actually plan to kill her, he might stress Billy out enough to trigger some unpredictable behavior or even a psychotic episode, so Billy would be under his thumb again.

She would not let that happen.

Her fingers closed around her phone. To her surprise, Jimmy just stood there grinning at her, almost daring her to make the call, watching her like they were playing a terrible game of chicken. He made no move to stop her while she dialed 999, told the operator that they were being threatened by an armed man, and gave their location. Perhaps he really was stoned out of his mind.

"The police are coming, Jimmy," she said, hanging up. "You don't want to go back to prison, do you?"

At that, the veneer cracked. Jimmy's face twisted, and he whirled around to Billy. "It was you!" he snarled. "I went to prison because of you! You fucked everything up for me! Why couldn't you have died, like the rest of them?"

Billy recoiled, and fury rose within Esme. "Don't you dare blame it on him!" she shouted, stepping in front of Billy and giving Jimmy a shove. "You did it to yourself, you bastard—"

She didn't see Jimmy's fist coming for her. She only felt something slam into her cheek, and she toppled sideways, hitting her head on the bridge's railing. Black stars exploded over her eyes.

She didn't even feel the pain. She was dimly aware of a growl and then the sound of struggling, and a shadowy, lumpy shape dropped down next to her, but she was too dazed to move.

Then the fog lifted somewhat from her head, her eyes cleared, and she saw that the shape was Jimmy on his back, with Billy kneeling over him. Jimmy's arms and legs were failing uselessly, and there was a choking noise.

It took Esme a moment to realize Billy was strangling Jimmy.

"No, no, no, Billy, no!" she screamed, scrambling to her feet, trying to reach him. "Let him go!" Jimmy's face was turning purple.

She pulled on Billy's arm to loosen his grip around Jimmy's neck. Billy spun to her. Instinctively, she dropped his arm and shrank back, away from the dark fire burning in his eyes.

The moment he saw her fear, the fire went out immediately, leaving shock and panic in its place.

Sirens rang out in the distance. The sound seemed to wake Billy from his trance. He looked down at Jimmy, who was coughing and spluttering on the ground, then to Esme's horror-stricken face, before bolting up and disappearing into the night.

***

After giving her statement to the police and watching Jimmy getting taken away, Esme went straight to the studio to find Jacob. She had an idea of where Billy might have gone, but she understood that she shouldn't go alone, nor should she ask the police to search for him. Billy's panic would only get worse if he saw the police. She had gotten better acquainted with Jacob during her lunch dates with Billy at the studio, and knew the old man's soft spot for Billy. She could count on him for help.

The studio was full of light and people and chatter. The sight tore her heart as it brought back all too vividly the memory of the last time she and Billy were there, but there was no time to dwell on it. Ignoring the guests' curious stare at her bedraggled state, she wove through the crowd until she found Jacob talking to a woman wearing what must have been half of her body weight in costume jewelry. The old man saw Esme approaching, and his eyes widened.

"Good God, Esme!" he exclaimed. "What happened to you? Where's Billy?"

In a hurried whisper, Esme gave him a brief rundown. She knew she'd made the right decision when Jacob, without any further question, quickly excused himself and led her to his car.

"That wretched brother of his!" he thundered as the car rolled down the street, slowly so they could keep an eye out for Billy. "I knew he'd be trouble."

"How much did Billy tell you?" Esme asked.

"Enough for me to know that Billy only made the progress he did in the last few years because Jimmy wasn't there to upset him," said Jacob, shaking his head.

"Upset" is too light a word for what Jimmy's done. Esme was glad the police had carted him away, for she would've done far worse damage if he had been left with her. Her temple throbbed, but it was nothing compared to the pain in her heart when she remembered the harrowing look in Billy's eyes before he ran away. After twenty years of being haunted by the memory of a kid being strangled, only to find himself attacking his brother the same way...

There was no sign of Billy on the streets. When they arrived at the greenhouse, it was dark, and Esme felt her body go cold for a moment, thinking she might have made a mistake. But they discovered a broken panel of glass by the door. Somebody had been there. Whether he was still there was another question.

Jacob tried the handle. "Something's blocking it," he said to Esme. Then, tapping on the door, he called, "Billy? You in there? It's Jacob."

There was a shuffling sound, then a whimper, like that of a small child or a dog. Esme, who had been trying to stay stoic this whole time, felt tears welling up in her eyes. He was here. All alone, and probably frightened out of his wits. I could kill Jimmy for this!

"Billy, I'm with Esme here," Jacob continued. "Just us. No one else. We're very worried about you. Please let us in."

Silence. Then, Billy asked, in a small, choked voice, "Is Esme all right?"

Swallowing her tears, Esme answered, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"And Jimmy? He all right?"

"He's... he's fine too." It was just like Billy to worry about Jimmy, even after Jimmy had threatened to kill Esme and frame him for it. "The police have taken him away. He won't bother you again."

They heard a scraping, and finally the door opened. Esme pushed past Jacob and fell into Billy's arms. "Are you OK? Are you hurt?"

"I'm alright," he said, but his arms around her were limp and his eyes remained wary and fearful, like those of a cornered animal.

Jacob turned on the lights. Billy had blocked the door with the bench, but other than the glass scattered by the door, the greenhouse was undisturbed. Then Esme saw the blood on Billy's hand and gasped.

"It's just from the glass. It's fine," he told her. "Sorry about the door," he said to Jacob, hanging his head. "I didn't have the key with me. I'll pay for it."

Jacob waved him off. "Don't worry about it, lad."

"I'm sorry about the exhibition too." Billy turned to Esme. "I'm sorry you missed it."

"Shh." Esme tightened her embrace. "You're alright, that's all that matters."

***

Jacob dropped them off at Esme's flat. Angua was ecstatic to see them back, but with the unerring instinct of a dog, she immediately sensed that something was wrong and sat quietly by Billy's feet, keeping him company while Esme went into the bathroom. "I'm just going to have a quick wash," she told him. She felt stiff and sore, her tulle skirt was spattered with dirt and blood, and although the EMT had given her an ice pack, she could still feel bruises forming on her temple and her cheek, where Jimmy had hit her. Some hot water would do her good.

Billy just sat. When Angua pushed her nose under his hand, he absently petted her, but otherwise didn't seem aware of anything else. The shock that had supplied him with energy and kept him moving and talking at the greenhouse seemed to have drained out of him, leaving him nearly catatonic. Esme hated to leave him alone like that.

"Do you want to take a shower with me?" she asked. "I think we both need cleaning up."

He shrugged. She took him into the bathroom and turned on the shower. He showed no sign of moving, so she took off his shoes and socks, his coat, his shirt, his jeans, and his boxers, yammering all the while about how his coat and her dress would have to go to the dry cleaner's, about buttons that refused to unbutton and zips that refused to unzip. The shyness she always felt whenever they took each other's clothes off for sex, no matter how often it was, was completely absent. This was no time for shyness. Billy was hurting, and he needed her. She didn't know if he was even listening to her nonsense. With eyes staring drearily past her head, he seemed locked somewhere inside himself, where outer reality was only a dim flicker, like a film on an old-fashioned theater screen. She was only glad that steam was filling up the bathroom, so she didn't have to see the heartbreaking expression in his eyes, so she could keep her voice calm and her hands steady. Breaking down and crying would help no one. She must keep calm, for him.

As she tugged her dress down her shoulders, there was a glimmer of reaction in Billy; he looked around, discomfited, not knowing where to put his eyes. Perhaps he was only now realizing they were getting naked together and thinking she was expecting something else from him. Esme quickly sat him down in her tiny tub. "No, we're just taking a shower, that's all," she assured him.

A few seconds later, she climbed in behind him. Billy sat hunched over, his back to her. She gently washed his neck, his back, his arms, careful to avoid the cuts on his hand, rubbing shampoo into his hair and massaging his scalp. The only sounds were the steady splashing of the water and the soft crooning of her voice as she whispered soothing words to him, stopping every so often to drop a kiss on his temple, his shoulder, his neck. Throughout it all, Billy remained curled into a ball, his head bent, either with exhaustion or grief, she didn't know. She wanted to talk to him, or ask him to talk to her, or just do... something, to break him out of that tortured inner world he had retreated into, but she didn't know where to start.

"Could you turn around, please?" she said.

Her tub was so small that Billy had to stand up to turn around. He slipped on the soapy water, stumbled, and sat down hard, kicking Esme in the shin and splashing her with water and suds. "Ow," she yelped, wiping soap out of her eyes.

"Sorry," Billy muttered.

"It's OK." She laughed a little, and Billy smiled as well, a bit wanly perhaps, but it was a smile nonetheless.

After that, he relaxed a bit. His shoulders dropped, he kissed her back, and once she finished washing him, he leaned into her, resting his head on her shoulder. Esme could feel herself relax as well, the knot in her stomach loosening. She wrapped her arms around Billy. As she did so, she felt a tremor on his back, subtle at first, then it built and built, an earthquake starting from somewhere deep inside him, until his whole body was shaking and heaving with dry sobs, sobs that threatened to tear him apart, sobs that did tear her heart into pieces.

"Oh Billy," she murmured, rocking him gently. "It's OK. Everything's OK now." She continued to rock him, while the warm sprays washed over both of them and he clung to her, like a drowning man holding on to a life raft.

***

Billy stayed with Esme throughout that weekend. Though he was no longer unresponsive as he had been the night of Jimmy's attack, he remained withdrawn, and would sit still for hours, not doing much, not even speaking much to Esme other than the minimum. More than once, she caught him looking at her bruises with a pained expression, before turning away again. If his hypomania had been alarming, then this withdrawal was painful to watch. Esme knew better than to push him to talk, so she just sat with him and read to him if he asked. It was a good thing they were in the middle of Hogfather. Out of all the Discworld books, she couldn't think of anything further removed from their current situation as one about Death and his granddaughter trying to save the spirit of Christmas (OK, the spirit of Hogswatch), so it would be least likely to upset Billy.

But none of it made much of a difference. Her own helplessness made Esme want to scream. Whatever Billy was going through, one hot shower and all the cuddles and kisses she could give were not enough to make it go away.

Worse still, when she called Billy's manager at Asda to ask for a few days off for him, she was informed that they had to fire him because he had missed too many shifts. It had nearly sent him into another panic attack.

"It's OK," she said, rubbing his back, trying to calm him down. "I'm sure Jacob will give you a job at the studio."

"Not after I broke into his greenhouse."

"You know he doesn't mind that. He said so himself. And if you're worried about money, you can move in with me." She had meant it seriously, having thought about asking him to move in for quite some time now, but as soon as she said it, she realized how tactless it was and mumbled a quick apology.

Esme had a shift on Sunday, but she called in sick, partly because she wanted to stay home with Billy, and partly because she didn't want to have to explain her bruised face to her co-workers. On Monday, when Billy had an appointment with his psychiatrist, she went to work, her bruises hidden under a large amount of concealer. Thankfully, nobody seemed to notice.

Billy had said he would go back to his flat for a few things, so Esme dropped by after work to check on him. She found him in the front room, packing clothes from the drawers under the sofa bed into a duffel bag.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"My psychiatrist thinks I should go back to the hospital for a while," he said, not looking at her.

Her heart sinking, Esme sat down on the edge of the sofa, watching Billy. He was moving with more energy and focus than he had all weekend, but there was a grim look about him that she hadn't seen before and didn't like.

"Okay..." she said slowly, "I guess it's for the best. How long will you be?"

"I don't know." He stacked up the audiobook CDs, mumbling something about having to drop them off at the library. Then, with his back against her, he said, "Also, I think we should take a break."

Those words were uttered so quietly and quickly and out of nowhere, that she almost didn't catch them. "What?"

"We should take a break," he repeated and turned toward her, but still wouldn't look at her. His hands, empty now, fidgeted by his sides.

"But—why?"

He sat down at the other end of the sofa, keeping his distance. "Look, the past six months... it's been amazing. But I'm not ready for this. I still have too much shit I need to work through."

"But why do you have to work through it alone?" she said, wrapping her hands around his face, forcing him to look at her. "I can be here for you..."

Billy pried her hands off his cheeks. He picked up his tools, still in the little rack she had bought for him from the flea market so he could hang them up in the kitchen. One of the spots remained empty, where Jimmy had taken the chisel. Billy probably was packing them away for safekeeping while he was in the hospital.

"What if I snap again?" he said quietly, fingering the wooden handles. "What if it's you that I hurt this time?"

"You won't." His chin was dipped toward his chest, so she had to bend down to look into his eyes. "I trust you." It was one of the first things she'd ever said to him, the night they met. Did he remember that? She had trusted him before knowing who he was, and she still trusted him now.

He turned away. "But I don't trust me."

"Don't give me that rubbish!"

Billy's hand swiped at his nose and chest in one quick movement, so fleeting and smooth that if Esme hadn't known him well, it would've appeared almost natural. That looking-inward expression came into his eyes again.

"Esme, why are you with me?"

She frowned at him. "Why do you ask?"

"Just—look at me. Unemployed, mentally ill, brother in prison. Why'd you want to be with me?"

Esme still couldn't quite believe that he was actually breaking up with her. She realized she was getting angry. It's the same old "I'm not good enough for you", "you deserve better than me" bullshit, isn't it? God, he can't even come up with an original reason!

"Because I like being with you," she said. "Why else?"

"So I'm not just another injured stray that you picked up? Emerald Saves a Nut Job?"

His words hit her like a slap to the face. "That's not true!"

"No? Then why can't you even talk to me about your parents? Why have you stopped wearing your White Horse necklace around me? Why did you call in sick just to stay home with me?"

"That's because I care about you!" she said, frustrated tears spilling from her eyes.

"I don't want you to have to go through all that for me. I can't give you nothing in return."

"I'm not asking for anything—"

But Billy wasn't listening. "Look at your family," he said. "You do all those things for them, and where does that leave you? I don't want you to end up resenting me like that."

"I don't—you're not—" She was spluttering now, choked by helpless anger. Anger at Jimmy for barging into their life and fucking everything up. Anger at Billy for springing this on her out of nowhere. And anger at herself for not being able to think of a good reason to talk him out of it. Or rather, she could think of plenty of good reasons, starting with I love you. She just couldn't say it. What would that change, when he had already made up his mind and decided that she didn't love him, that she only pitied him?

Is he wrong though? She didn't like to think that she had some sort of savior complex. But what else could it be? All her old doubts and fears started creeping back, her family laughing at her for trying to have a normal Christmas, Neil yelling about how she was always trying to change him. She thought of all the nights she'd spent awake to comfort Billy, all the anxiety she'd had since they started dating, the fear she'd been through after Jimmy's attack. Is Billy right? Am I with him just because I want to fix him, like I want to fix everything and everybody in my life? Am I hurting myself, burning myself to keep him warm? Am I hurting him?

Then her anger was replaced by grief when she realized this had been eating away at Billy since the visit to her parents. He had seen how stressed she was around her family. When he'd touched her hand or smiled at her during that visit, it hadn't been to calm himself. It had been to calm her. And now, he believed their relationship would turn out the same. It was all her fault.

"But... but this is just a break, right?" she said, holding on to some remaining shreds of hope. "Just until you get better, right?"

"I can't ask you to wait for me."

"Don't I get a say in that?"

"It wouldn't be fair to you."

This was true. Esme knew he could get worse. Who knew how long it would be until he got better, if he got better at all? Would she be able to deal with that much of the unknown, she who had to plan out her day down to the hour? And even if he did get better, things might change. He might decide he didn't need her anymore. She might decide she didn't want him anymore.

She looked at Billy, at his disheveled hair, the long lashes veiling over his eyes so she couldn't see what he was feeling, his soft lips pressed into an unfamiliar hard line, his strong hands still fiddling with his chisels, and the idea of no longer wanting him was inconceivable. But if this was what he wanted, if this was what he needed, then she would give it to him, even if it broke her heart.

"Do you want me to go with you to the hospital?" she asked, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"No, I don't want you to miss work."

"Can I visit you then?"

"If you want."

And that was that. There was nothing else to say.

"Say goodbye to Billy, Angua," Esme said, reattaching the leash to Angua's collar. The little dog had been sitting on the floor between them this whole time, watching them anxiously. Now, as if knowing this would probably be the last time she saw Billy, she whined and licked his hand, refusing to move. Esme had to pick her up. "Come on, we must go."  

"Goodbye, Angua," Billy said.

Esme paused at the door, waiting, hoping he would say something to her as well, but he remained on the sofa, his head bent and turned away from her. He was sitting more still than she had ever seen him, his right hand balled into a fist and gripped in his left, his shoulders tense, his whole body looking like it was on the verge of shattering. Her heart broke all over again, and, unwilling to see him in such pain, she turned around and left.

Chapter 9

Taglist: @quinnypixie, @accidentalslag, @etherealglimmer

[purplesurveys]

1930

1.) What was the last strong scent you smelled? The essential oil I currently have for my reed diffuser.

2.) When was the last time you changed your outfit? This morning. I'll change before heading to bed, which I'll do after this. I really need to sleep; it's nearing 2 AM on a Monday.

3.) What did you buy the last time you went shopping for new clothes? Concert outfit for Seventeen back in January. I'm not a big clothes shopper.

4.) What is your favorite meal of the day? Dinner.

5.) Do you typically eat breakfast or skip it? Skip. Unless coffee counts, because I have that everyday.

6.) What was the last thing you took a picture of? A pissed off reaction selfie I took immediately after finishing Gyeongseong Creature 2 (credits weren't even done rolling yet hah).

I spent THE ENTIRE!!!!!!! evening watching it as I was desperate to see what would happen, but the whole season's pacing was so off and there was barely a payoff in the finale...so I took that selfie with the 5 AM blue sky as my background to let everyone know I put in That Much Time for a season that ended up sucking lol

7.) Do you have a collection of anything? BTS merch and bucket hats.

8.) What was the last thing you threw away? The can of coffee I finished.

9.) What is the cause of your current emotional state? The fact that I'm going back to work that I dread in less than 8 hours.

10.) What were the last plans you made? How about cancelled? Last plan I made was to resign, which I announced to my bosses last Tuesday. Last I cancelled was my initial plan to take the dogs to the vet earlier today, because when I checked their booklet it turned out I didn't need to take them til end of the month. I had no idea why I thought they were due today hahaha.

11.) How did you discover your favorite band? They were very huge when I was in Grade 3 and all the cool kids seemed to like them (Paramore).

12.) Does the weather affect your mood? If so, in what ways? Only if it's hot. I get cranky when it's hot and humid and there's no sign of aircon anywhere, and especially so if I haven't eaten.

13.) When are you most likely to be bored? Usually in the afternoon, from around 2-5 PM. Even at work, I get very restless during those hours because I want the day to be done with already.

14.) What was the last big decision you made? Resigning for good. There's a part of me that still thinks it was such a rash, impulsive, barely-thought-of decision to make...but September hit me like a 16 wheeler when it came to my mental health.

I really need to rest. But also, let's hope I find a new place to work in soon :)

15.) Where was the last place you traveled to, and what did you do while there? Vietnam! Saigon and Da Nang. I shopped more than I'd like to admit; walked, walked, and walked; simultaneously celebrated Jin's military discharge; drank a lot of coffee; discovered and fell in love with bánh tráng nướng (I still look for it...); took lots of photos.

16.) What is your favorite thing to go shopping for? Not much. I'm not a big shopper unless I'm traveling, in which case I like getting local knickknacks and snacks.

17.) How organized are you? I'd say a 7/10. I'm fairly organized, but I do have the tendency to lose track.

18.) What were the positives and negatives of your last week? Positives: I informally filed my resignation. I also...just survived.

Negative: I woke up every day of the week, save for the weekend, with a crushing weight on my chest.

19.) If applicable, how did you decide what you wanted to study in college/university? I liked to write and was good at it, and I've always enjoyed watching documentaries. It seemed like the obvious choice to make. I also came from a family of writers and lawyers, and I just wanted to continue the practice, albeit through an adjacent route.

20.) What was the last thing you received in the mail? Shopee orders but they were both for my sister lol.

21.) What is one of your wildest dreams or ambitions? Travel to the US alone.

22.) When was the last time you performed in front of a group of people? No clue. High school, maybe?

23.) Who was the last person to upset you? How about the last person to cheer you up? Upset would be someone related to my work. Cheer up...Namjoon.

24.) Is there anything or anyone you’re trying to get over or let go of? Yes. My current job.

25.) What was the subject of your last phone conversation? My grandma let me know she made me laing and asked me to come over to pick it up when I can. Apparently my mom asked her to make it...I'm guessing she did so because I recently shared with her my work troubles, and it's her way of helping me feel better. In any case, and whether my theory is right or wrong, the gesture is appreciated.

26.) What are your plans for tomorrow? How about the weekend? Tomorrow I need to work. I'm also working on the weekend. Both days.

27.) When was the last time you were sick? Sometime last month I threw up like 101% the contents of my stomach from food poisoning.

28.) How close do you have to be with someone before you’ll consider them a friend? If I feel comfortable approaching them first and share with them stupid stuff like memes.

29.) What did the last jacket you wore look like? Green and with the right sleeve decorated to look like the Philippine flag. It's a jacket I was given by one of the brands I handle; and we usually have to have it on during our more formal events like contract signings so that we can also be 'in-attire' and look the part as their PR reps.

30.) Name five things you can grab from where you’re sitting. Vape pen, Oatside coffee, phone, a BTS frame, highlighters.

[dawnrider]

Hi doll! I’m sending you these asks now for your 20 yr tomorrow.

Happy 20 Years Dawn! That’s so exciting! 💕You ready for some questions, because I wanna know so much.

1. What is your favorite story you’ve written? (It doesn’t have to be completed or even posted, just one that stands out for you.)

2. Do you have any projects coming up for this next year that you’re excited about?

3. Would you rather become a famous writer, being able to make money for doing something you love, or keep writing as a hobby for the rest of your life, but still really enjoying it?

4. What made you start writing in the first place?

5. Do anybody in your life outside of tumblr/fanfiction/ao3 know you write? What was their response/how do they feel about it now?

6. Is there anything you’d like to learn? (Could be a hobby, a new technique in your writing, a skill for work, improvement for something you already do,etc.)

7. What is something most people don’t know about you?

8. If you could write one paragraph (3-5 sentences) to describe your life, your experiences, your personality, who you are, what would it say?

9. Any advice for people who write/create, new beginners or experienced ones?

10. What is a goal you wish to accomplish this next year in regard to writing?

Well hi @heynikkiyousofine! Here goes!

1. What is your favorite story you’ve written? (It doesn’t have to be completed or even posted, just one that stands out for you.)

I think it's a toss up between To Sleep Perchance to Dream, How Does Your Garden Grow, and Given. They're all pretty different, but they all try to characterize our favorite idiots as close to canon as I could get them.

2. Do you have any projects coming up for this next year that you’re excited about?

I'm always tinkering, puttering, procrastinating. I'm excited to finish up Garden, which will hopefully be sooner rather than later. And Possibly Your Lying Smile, if the stars align properly. And of course, always excited for @inuparentsday in January!

3. Would you rather become a famous writer, being able to make money for doing something you love, or keep writing as a hobby for the rest of your life, but still really enjoying it?

That's a hard one. If I could still love it as much as I do and make money from it? I think that's a no brainer. But obviously the reality is a lot different. Writing doesn't pay the bills, especially not right away. So I can dream about it, but I think it will always just be a hobby, and that's ok.

4. What made you start writing in the first place?

I used to write silly stuff as a kid. Like 10/12 years old. I always wanted more story than what I read. So I made more. I started fanfiction in college though. I was inspired, was often alone, and had the free time between classes and while working overnights in my dorm.

5. Do anybody in your life outside of tumblr/fanfiction/ao3 know you write? What was their response/how do they feel about it now?

Just a neighbor friend, and now my best friend. Obviously Mister does too. My neighbor is an editor, so I asked for her help with the chapter Fundamental from Bushel and a Peck. I wanted an outside perspective and she was willing to help. My best friend I just recently told and she was very happy for me. She was amazed that I'd kept it secret for so long, but also impressed that I had done something for so long.

Mister is... He's not always that supportive. But it is what it is.

6. Is there anything you’d like to learn? (Could be a hobby, a new technique in your writing, a skill for work, improvement for something you already do, etc.)

I always dream about being able to do art. I can admit that I just don't have the patience to keep at it. I'm one of those people that doesn't stick with something if I think I suck at it. I do dabble with handwriting/hand lettering stuff and would like to work on it more.

7. What is something most people don’t know about you?

Uh.... Hell... lol I've mentioned it before, but maybe not recently. I am a swing dancer. Mainly Lindy Hop. I haven't gone as much recently with kids and COVID, but at one time I danced 4-6 nights a week. I was an instructor in my old city for years.

8. If you could write one paragraph (3-5 sentences) to describe your life, your experiences, your personality, who you are, what would it say?

I suppose I would say that I am someone who tries to take care of others, sometimes to the detriment of myself. It has been my mode of operation for most of my life. Writing is one way in which I am able to do something that is ultimately for me. (Though I share it with you all because I can and you're so kind about it!)

9. Any advice for people who write/create, new beginners or experienced ones?

Mostly that you should enjoy it. It was something we often said about dancing (as a hobby): Once it's not fun anymore, it becomes Work™. Don't make your hobby Work™. You are not obligated to anyone to create something in a certain way, in a certain timeframe, or even at all. If you choose to post your work, do it when you're ready to, not because someone is making demands of you.

10. What is a goal you wish to accomplish this next year in regard to writing?

Finishing WIPs where I can manage it. And moving older stuff from FFnet to AO3 after editing and modifying as needed.

[renja-writes]

SEAGULLS IN A CHUCK E CHEESE PARKING LOT

Another story, I hope you enjoy.

TW: Houselessness, drug use

Water dripped icy through the worn-out weather stripping of my car windows. It caught on the silvery Reflectix that I shoved into the panes each night in a half-hearted attempt at maintaining the illusion of warmth and privacy. Eventually, the precarious film of condensation slid onto my forehead and let me know that it was finally morning. 

After reluctantly pulling myself out of my sleeping bag and squeezing into jeans – which felt like a feat in my tiny Honda Accord – I ripped back the sheets of Reflectix and rolled them tightly so they would fit discreetly into my trunk. The last thing I wanted was for people to immediately know I was living out of my car, and a pile of shiny double bubble insulation next to a blanket seemed like a dead giveaway. 

While stowing the insulation and other belongings in the trunk, I grabbed my morning bag and started my daily routine. Brush my teeth using water from a small bottle, taking care to spit the fluoride-filled foam into a plastic baggie that I could throw away later. Place the contact lenses in my eyes even if they were bitterly cold against my retinas after a night of practically sitting in a refrigerator. Turn on the car and wait twenty minutes until the fog from my breath and sweat melted from the windows. 

Waiting for the car to warm up was my favorite part of the day. I was freezing and exhausted from a night of pretending not to shiver, and the promise of heat kept me from putting my head back down. That, and I loved watching the fog on the windows fade into my morning view. 

There’s nothing quite like looking up at a giant anthropomorphic rat while having a low-grade, long-lasting emotional breakdown. The combination Target and Chuck E. Cheese parking lot was the safest place to sleep, but that also meant I had to look Charles Entertainment Cheese in the eye while he gave me a big thumbs-up. Every goddamn morning. 

Papery garbage splattered and smeared on the wet pavement. The whole acre lot was trashy and unnerving, which is part of why it was the best place to stay. The type of customer who would normally complain about the houseless either didn’t stop by, or they had nothing to say. Cops rarely came through. It was the one place I could rest unbothered until 6 or 7 in the morning. 

I wasn’t the only one in the lot, though. A few other car campers parked nearby, but never too close. I was alone with the rest of my lonely crowd, though I hope they felt the same loose sense of camaraderie that I did as I parked each night.

The seagulls were my other lot-mates. They usually started huddling at 4 or 5 in the morning, fighting over whatever scraps they could find. On the mornings where it wasn’t raining, I would open my doors and watch them wander around, wishing I had some food I could toss them.

***

If you’ve never been houseless, then you probably take your bathroom for granted. Living out of a car is a little different, especially without the added convenience of a dick. After having to make several midnight drives across town just to find an open Walmart, though, I think I’ll always feel a warm wave of comfort when walking down a short hallway from my bedroom to the toilet.

Target was my first stop of the day for that reason. I wasn’t the only one, either; every morning, I would chat with a frail, dark-haired woman who sat in the corner of the white tiled bathroom. After washing her face in the sink, she would plop down as long as she could – or, rather, as long as the store staff would let her.

Before the poor minimum wage workers had a chance to kick her out, the woman would meticulously wrap her broken shoes with plastic shopping bags to keep her feet dry. Her morning ritual was fast and precise; double wrap, secure with hair ties, place the remaining bags in a small sash around her waist. Snowy days called for duct tape. January was a harsh month. 

I never knew her name, but we watched each other decline as the weeks dragged on. My hair fell out in clumps and I’m sure the trenches beneath my eyes were some of my defining features in those days. Her skin sagged and grayed, and it wasn’t long before she supplemented her daily routine with some kind of upper. 

Her sad smile became a hostile blank stare, and I wasn’t sure which days she would recognize or even acknowledge me. In March, she stopped coming altogether. 

In all the days of her absence, I would sit in my car and think of her. I pictured all of all the ways I could have tried to help, but the hard truth was, I had nothing to offer. It wore on me, not only because I felt like I had watched her disintegrate, but also because I knew I was one flat tire or pill away from being in the exact same place. 

There’s a part of me that will hope with painful optimism that she made it to a safe, warm space. I imagine her years later with a different morning ritual. One where she starts by opening big white blinds and pours a hot cup of tea. Or maybe she sits wrapped in sheets until long after the golden sun is up, when she finally feels like getting out of bed. 

[harmonyhealinghub]

Healing from Depression: A Journey Towards Mental Well-Being

Shaina Tranquilino

January 14, 2024

Depression is a complex and debilitating mental health condition that affects millions of individuals worldwide. If you are reading this, chances are you or someone you know has experienced the darkness it brings. While healing from depression may seem like an uphill battle, it's important to remember that recovery is possible. In this blog post, we will explore some practical strategies that can help you embark on your journey towards healing.

1. Seek Professional Help: The first step towards healing from depression is reaching out for professional assistance. Consult with a mental health professional such as a therapist or psychiatrist who can provide an accurate diagnosis and develop an appropriate treatment plan tailored specifically to your needs. Therapy sessions and prescribed medication can be instrumental in managing depressive symptoms effectively.

2. Build a Supportive Network: Surrounding yourself with understanding and supportive individuals can make a significant difference in your healing process. Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups who can provide empathy, reassurance, and encouragement on your path to recovery. Remember, you do not have to face depression alone.

3. Engage in Self-Care Activities: Engaging in self-care activities is crucial when overcoming depression. Focus on nurturing both your physical and mental well-being by incorporating activities such as regular exercise, adequate sleep, balanced nutrition, mindfulness practices (meditation or deep breathing exercises), and engaging hobbies into your routine. Prioritizing self-care helps create positive routines and fosters a sense of control over one's life.

4. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Depression often feeds off negative thoughts and distorted perceptions about oneself and the world around us. Learning to recognize these patterns of negative thinking is essential for healing. Practice replacing negative self-talk with more realistic and positive affirmations. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques taught by professionals can assist in reframing negative thoughts into healthier perspectives.

5. Set Realistic Goals: Depression can make even the simplest tasks feel overwhelming. Setting realistic goals and breaking them down into smaller, achievable steps can help regain a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Celebrate each milestone reached, no matter how small it may seem. Remember, progress is not always linear, so be patient with yourself.

6. Cultivate Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Developing healthy coping mechanisms to manage stress and emotional distress is vital when healing from depression. Explore different techniques such as journaling, practicing gratitude, engaging in creative outlets (art or music), spending time in nature, or seeking support through therapeutic activities like yoga or mindfulness-based practices.

7. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself throughout your journey towards healing from depression. Acknowledge that recovery takes time and effort. Embrace self-compassion by accepting setbacks as part of the process without judgment or criticism. Treat yourself with patience, understanding, and love.

Healing from depression requires dedication, perseverance, and a wholehearted commitment to your well-being. While the road ahead may sometimes seem challenging, remember that you are never alone in this battle. Reach out for professional help and build a strong support network around you. Utilize various self-care strategies and coping mechanisms while cultivating self-compassion along the way. With time and consistent effort, you will gradually heal and rediscover the joy that life has to offer once again.

[ravendruidreads]

House of Flame and Shadow - Review

Author: Sarah J. Maas Saga: Crescent City (#3) Date Read: January 31, 2024 - February 3, 2024 Format: Physical Pages: 838

Characters: 8/10 Atmosphere: 8/10 Writing: 6/10 Plot: 7/10 Intrigue: 8/10 Logic: 6/10 Enjoyment: 7/10 Rating: 7.1/10 (4 stars) Spice Level: 4/5

I'm not really sure how to start this review, because I forgot to write it when the book was still fresh in my mind, but I will do my best.

The review is hidden below due to spoilers.

Let's start with the characters!

ACOTAR is not my favorite series in the Maasverse, but it was my first, and, like many people, it opened the door to Romantasy. Because of this, I was very excited about Bryce's Arc in Prythian, and SJM did not disappoint. It was interesting to see things from a different perspective. Rhys, who we know wants nothing more than to protect his people, being seen as a potential bad guy from Bryce's eyes was emotionally conflicting. I loved every moment of it, except when Bryce left Nesta and Az to fight the Middengard Wyrm alone (I could kill Bryce for that).

Moving back to Midgard, and onto our MMC. My opinion about Hunt has not changed with this book (I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'm not a Hunt girlie). In a universe with Rhys and Rowan, Hunt is lacking badly, and not even the fact that he's a lightning wielder (which is my soft spot) makes up for it. I think the most interesting characteristic that he has is that he was literally made by the prices of Hel for Bryce. Not gonna lie, that's kind of romantic (I'm choosing to ignore the red flags of this).

Hypaxia, baby, thank you for breaking up with Celestina for snitching on your friends. Hypaxia is one of the MVPs in this story because she ticks off all my bingo slots: she is hot, she is smart, she is a necromancer and Queen of the Dead.

Another MVP is Jesiba. I knew there was something big about her, but I never imagined she was one of the priestesses of Parthos. Saying that I cried and smiled and fell completely in love with Jesiba is an understatement.

Do you know who is not a MVP? Ithan and Tharion. Once again, boring. I could not care less about their plot and POVs, and, unfortunately, I have a feeling that CC4 will be an Ithan and Tharion based book.

I've been avoiding talking about Bryce, but I'm running out of characters. I know she's the main character, but she was annoying as fuck in this book and I lost count at how many times I rolled my eyes at her. I was especially displeased with her behavior toward Hunt's PTSD and feelings in general.

This story would have been so much better if the main characters were Lidia and Rhun. Lidia is such a badass and her plot twist made her even better. She reminds me a lot of Aelin (duh) with all the fire inside of her (literal and figuratively). Her backstory tore my heart apart. Her and Rhun's relationship is everything to me and so, so much better than Quinlan. The only reason I gave this book a 4/5 spice level is because of Lidia and Rhun. They carried not only the spice, but also the entire book on their backs.

Let's move on to plot and writing!

The plot was kind of predictable, at least the end was. Some parts felt rushed, others felt too dragged on and everything related to the wolves and Tharion was just unnecessary to the story. I feel like SJM could have easily avoided using their POVs and subplots in these three books to create a spin-off with just them.

The battle with the Asteri was very disappointing and anti-climatic. There was a big hype for it but it was over before it even started and I never felt truly concerned about any of the characters (not even when it was obvious that Bryce was dying because I knew she would be brought back to life. SJM refuses to have a melodramatic end for her main characters-even though I'd prefer that in this story). Another thing that was disappointing about the battle was all the concern for the antidote and trying to get it to Bryce and Hunt to unleash their ultimate powers, only for Bryce not to have taken it until after the story was over. Like... what the fuck? What was the point of it, then?

Speaking of POVs, there were too many POVs to keep count of and too many abrupt changes within the same chapter. I felt lost at times. However, thankfully, for this book there was a physical demarcation of POV change (I think my previous issues were due to reading a digital copy).

A good thing about the plot was all the lore we got about the Daglan/Asteri. Learning more about the story of Prythian and Midgard was very fun, especially when comparing the truth to what we had been told in previous books. Although there were a few moments during all this lore dump that felt a bit too real with real life, and I didn't need that identity crisis, thank you very much. I read to escape reality, not to be confronted with the harsh truths of my existence.

I think overall I enjoyed reading this book. I read 300 pages on the first day, because I couldn't set it aside, which is an improvement from the previous CC books. I definitely think my rating could (and will) be lowered to three stars with a re-read since it's on the cusp (for those who don't know, in the CAWPILE rating system, 3 stars is an interval score of 4.6 to 6.9, and 4 stars starts at a score of 7).

Honorable mention:

With that, she pulled Nesta to her in a tight embrace, and Bryce could have sworn something like pain and longing crossed Nesta's expression. Like she hadn't experienced a mom-hug for a long, long time.

Ember and Nesta's goodbye had me in tears. As someone who has lost her mother, I definitely relate to this.

A quote Quotes that stayed (don't ask me to pick one):

I love you. I fell in love with you in the depths of my soul, and it's my soul that will find yours again in the next life.

A world where people loved and valued books and learning so much that they were willing to die for them. Can you imagine what such a civilization was like?

[golbrocklovely]

it's been a minute since i posted one of these so..

here’s some of colby’s tweets from 2021.

i don’t have proof that these are his tweets, but believe me, they are his.

if it’s bold and italicized, it’s someone’s tweet to him.

if it’s in (), that’s just me commenting lol

added bonus: if they have a * next to them, that means it’s been deleted

~~~~~~~~~~

Jan. 2 - thank you all so much i love you don’t forget

Jan. 6 - just got yelled at on my walk by a 93 year old grandma it was dope how’s your day goin

on another note , so sad to see what’s been happening today at the capitol .. this is ridiculous. i’m worried.

(the issue with this time period is that colby was getting a lot of heat for shit he shouldn't have been. so… some of these tweets are gonna trigger me, and this is one of them lmao)

Jan. 8 - seems like the older i get the more independent i become

*@/mikes_dead: seems like the older u get the more u forget to call me back headass sorry bb 🖤

don’t crave that personal life human affection like i used to i’m cool with being by myself

always feel like i’m living in a dreamy reality until i get caffeine. blurry vision blurry mind

Jan. 9 - learned how to drive manual for the first then drifted that car today i’m surprised i didn’t kill anyone

you in January

Jan. 12 - fan: hi i love yOu…@/ColbyBrock

hiii i love you

fan: It’s my 2,000 day supporting Sam and colby. That’s fucking insnae man. Mental. I love you 2. Always and forever thank you for being such huge parts in my life @/SamGolbach @/ColbyBrock @/SamandColby

thank you for being a part of our life journey 🙏🏼🖤

Jan. 14 - time to conquer my anxiety

Jan. 16 - tonight , two years ago i was sleeping in a little jail cell wondering how long i’d be in there without Sam. life is fuckin crazy hahah, freedom is a gift

fan: i cant believe that most of the fandom slept on the floor when @/SamandColby 2 years when they got arrested #FreeSamAndColby

the best fans in the world

Jan. 18 - oh how time can heal and change everything

fan: no fr he’s been working so hard and you can really tell. proud of you @/ColbyBrock

thank you darlin

Jan. 19 - my fear won’t be something that i let control the way i live

Jan. 20 - fan: colby ur tweets r always so deep

twitters my personal little mind dump

(wish this was still the case… but i get why he is barely on there)

Jan. 22 - it’s underwater shipwreck dive today

feels good to feel proud of myself

Jan. 24 - fan: @/ColbyBrock can you teach me your ways of being okay with being single bc i’m tired of asshole guys fucking around with my feelings

one day you’ll learn that the only happiness you need comes from within, once you’ve learned to really enjoy youre own company you don’t need anyone else! practice makes perfect 🖤

Jan. 25 - why do i push away everyone who tries to get me to open up?

(what a juxtaposition lol)

Jan. 28 - crows are honestly just death metal chickens

Jan. 30 - don’t wanna jinx this like last time but XPLR gods have definitely been on our side recently again … Alaska has been an adventure of a lifetime

Feb. 1 - don’t let anyone tell you who YOU are and how to think

fan: Currently listening to We Love Our Friends @/SamGolbach @/ColbyBrock @/SamandColby

a bop

Feb. 2 - fan: Thinking about @/ColbyBrock hours

💭🖤

*fan: @/ColbyBrock u should get a tongue piercingggg

*ouchh

fan: As part of 25x25 @/ColbyBrock needs to come out with music

🤫😏

(he needs to come out with more music asap)

*fan: @/ColbyBrock u said no to the tongue piercing what about u getting a nipple piercing??

ouchhh

(what's with fans wanting him to get random parts of his body pierced lmao)

wake me up after valentine’s day

Feb. 4 - what’s one thing you wanna do before you die ?

Feb. 7 - my dream is to show you the beauty in life .. no matter how hard it can get

really opened up on my ongoing experience with anxiety in today’s video , i hope it resonates with some of you. we’re not alone

Feb. 8 - fan: bro @/ColbyBrock do you always get your tats in the early hours of the morning??

yes hahah

just gettin started on this sleeve. lots of work to do

Feb. 10 - fan: @/ColbyBrock I need some advice for anxiety lately my anxiety is playing up and I keeps having anxiety/panics attacks and idk how to calm my self the best thing I can do so far is watch ur vids but still sometimes I just can’t hold it in do u have any advice

box method breathing really helps.. soft music.. meditation. anything that can relax the mind. usually it stems from overthinking so if you can somehow distract yourself with an activity of some sort that could help too 🖤

i’m so emotional sometimes and for what

Feb. 13 - so who’s down to hangout tomorrow

fan: i could really use a hug from @/ColbyBrock rn /: sigh i miss him sm

🖤 sending virtual hugs

fan: Hey Colby … just checking in…. are you okay? Taking care of yourself? @/ColbyBrock

thank you for being so sweet i love you. yes i’m okay i have my good and bad days

Feb. 17 - sang for the first time on camera yesterday

Feb. 20 - this pill that i don’t wanna taste

fan: Are you okay??? Or one of your song lyrics

song lyrics .. probably should have explained that a lil more. it’s not a literal thing i promise hahah

Feb. 22 - damn i miss the big trap house parties we use to throw at our old place. 500 people plus in our living room.. David dobrik always comin in randomly with flame throwers hahah legendary times

Feb. 24 - i was so happy in my dream last night .. felt so real.

simply a wonderful sight to see

Feb. 28 - Dear @/ColbyBrock I would REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DYED YOUR HAIR BACK TO BROWN I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT

my purple is pretty much out ! so it’ll be all the way brown soon

fan: Apparently the guys are in Las Vegas and Las Vegas is probably like oh no not these guys again. @/ColbyBrock don't go for a midnight stroll and almost get mugged or kick a cactus this time

palm springs was when the mugging and cactus assault happened hahah but we will do our best to stay outta trouble .. maybe

March 2 - i feel like i don’t fit in with that many people in LA

@/jccaylen: let’s move to Texas.

looking for houses now

March 6 - take a chance with me

head down, headphones in

March 8 - happy #InternationalWomensDay , women are fuckin powerful, thank you for all that you do

(another triggering tweet sksks)

March 10 - maybe i just knew i had to wait for you

March 15 - fan: I just know deep in my soul @ColbyBrock had an angsty sad boi tumblr back in the day and I just wanna scroll thru it. Sir pls hand me the link thx :)

i wish i had tumblr. but wasn’t in to social media until i was like 18. only had a facebook until 2014

(….interesting lol)

fan: @/ColbyBrock do u have any advice on keeping productive on something even though it isn’t ur favourite thing to do but u need to get it done

set goals and make sure you do things in little pieces. if you don’t like something you’re doing just make sure you’re getting it done in the way YOU want to. take it day by day instead of procrastinating and doing it last minute

fan: y r u awake @/colbybrock

same reason you are

March 16 - things change, people change. but in the end i’ll always wish the best for my friends

March 17 - i can’t help but feel this way

March 18 - fan: How can you get through a break up

time. i know that’s a cliche answer. but seriously. distract your mind for a while and you’ll get over it i promise

fan: @/ColbyBrock how often do you not sleep at night because your mind is too loud?

i sleep terribly most nights. i have this weird insomnia that forces me to be up at 3am daily

are any of you hard on yourself for no reason? cause holy shit that’s me daily

fan: Better at picking others up than picking myself up

feel this so hard

fan: please call me sweetheart its my dream deadass

sweeeeeetheart 🖤

fan: @/ColbyBrock what’s your best advice to give to a teen who’s gonna turn 17 next week ? like any tips or tricks you wanna hand down bc i need help

so assuming you’re in highschool, just know that you might think your social circle means the world to you right now .. but everything can change (if you let it) after you graduate. life changes so much after graduation! focus on making good relationships and having fun :)

fan: @/ColbyBrock what’s the first thing you’ll do after all this covid stuff is over?

throw a real trap house party

March 25 - i am becoming a hummingbird father.

@/amberscholl: idk why but this is a VERY hot tweet

can’t wait to show you what i’ve been doing 😈

March 27 - just don’t have the time anymore

March 29 - friday by rebecca black is my anthem

March 30 - should i curl my hair for a youtube video

[dangerousbandsymbol]

7 + 1 twenty one pilots ask:

i was tagged by @pantaloonwarrior @dasloddl and @silverlininghills thank you guys! 💜

1. when/how did you discover them? + what was the first song you listened to?

i consider my 'official' discovery of twenty one pilots in january 2019 when the chlorine mv dropped and randomly got on my youtube homepage and blew my mind

though before that i had already heard stressed out/ride/heathens, i think the very first song i heard from them was ride

2. have you been on concert(s)?

sadly no... my dream is to go one of those small venue shows like they did during takeover tour

3. do you remember where you were when trench dropped (if you were a fan by then)?

i wasn't a yet fan back then but what i would give to be in the trench rollout dmaorg updates yellow everywhere era!!

4. favourite thing about the clique?

how we weren't just drawn to the music but the message behind it—and everyone on here is so nice i love y'all and also we have the best artists (drawing/writing/making music)

5. any memorable/funny/interesting quote (from interviews/bts footage/…) you especially like?

i learned the word plausible from the boys, also shoutout to will smith for being such a great friend and providing them places to shoot music videos in

6. what would you want to ask/tell them if you got the chance?

i would like to tell them they're not alone in their struggles either, they're always helping us with their music but it'd be nice that they were the ones being supported for once, i would ask tyler what were the nicher inspirations for the dema/trench world, i'd thank josh dun for overcoming his fear of public speaking because i'm the same look up to him so much

7. which tattoo would you like to know the meaning of (if you do)?

tyler's •|i|• Ø i+! ].[ tattoo, josh's sleeve

i have like three additional questions so here we go:

which album cover do you like best? (from dasloddl)

i love them all but if i had to choose, self titled. because it started as just a sketch drawn by a friend of the band, and nobody had expected it to mean so much to people years later. so i really love that authenticity and that how by looking at it you feel connected to tyler in 2009

I’d love to hear about some memorable moment you had because of this band, it can be anything, whatever you’re comfortable sharing <3 (from pantaloonwarrior)

around a month ago i found a random personalised mug at my school left by a past student and the drawings on the mug were a reference to neon gravestones... that moment of connection with someone in the same place but different times really moved and if i never discovered this band i would've never had this experience <3 (i made a post abt it here)

what do you think the genre/vibe of the next album is going to be? (from silverlininghills)

trench but ever better—gritty & eerie & crisp & euphoric & light & heavy

+1 for @vulture-who-feeds-on-pain @kaminokilljoy @lane-doubter @spookiestbandito: if the boys released a mashup of 2+ of their songs (think sai livestream version songs), which songs would you want to see mixed together?

[ammonitetheseaserpent]

I posted 5,382 times in 2022

189 posts created (4%)

5,193 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@feak-show

@i-am-megalodonna

@huntertherapyeras

@tundra-iguana

@aspirationatwork

I tagged 4,892 of my posts in 2022

Only 9% of my posts had no tags

#kewl art by kewl people - 2,023 posts

#skrungleposting - 856 posts

#important things/advice - 725 posts

#humor corner - 599 posts

#pixel pallygon - 544 posts

#tw caps - 442 posts

#gift with an undertow - 355 posts

#serotonin booster shtuff - 337 posts

#horsekai - 143 posts

#random snippets of my day - 142 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#immortal children are always tragic archetypes and just given the collector’s childish nature i feel like he’s more redeemable than they ap

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Came across this. 👀

113 notes - Posted November 6, 2022

#4

So um. Random thoughts.

125 notes - Posted September 18, 2022

#3

*pops head up from vent*

I Don’t Know Him is a vague precursor to the General and the Nowhere King’s relations by showcasing two individuals who are embittered towards one another and have a shared history that they would much rather bury altogether - by extension making Zulius and Splendib a semi-foil to the latter two, as they were able to mend their relationship, while the human and elk’s relations became unsalvageable (though, of course, both cases’ relations are different, with Z and S being bitter exes and the General and Nowhere King being two halves of the same person).

*ducks back down*

126 notes - Posted January 15, 2022

#2

Headcannons: The Collector and Physical Touch

Some things I randomly thought up about what the Collector’s relationship to physical touch might be if they got back their body + possibly a face turn.

Aka: It’s almost 7 in the morning and I’m touch-starved and kinda-sorta projecting that onto an immortal GNC cosmic shadow gremlin who hasn’t been able to touch anything for several centuries (also I wanted to do something wholesome to brace myself for the looming S2 finale).

We already know they’re very physically expressive, and this expands when he’s able to touch things again. Textures fascinate the guy, and they will get the urge to run around touching e v e r y t h i n g, especially when understimulated. Like… if you know Amphibia, think Sprig in Hop ‘Til You Drop. That’s them.

Gentle physical affection just does them innn, especially in regards to being held - though he’s slow to admit this. If you spoon them with some subtle thumb rubs to go along with it, that’s just- *chef kiss*

Skritches. This guy is a giant cat in some ways. Skritch the back of his neck and they will fall into a snuggly trance.

(This one is 100% projecting) If he knows someone, he’ll sometimes greet them with playful head-bonks, usually in the shoulder.

Since they really don’t like being alone, the people around him tend to give him physical affection as a brief, wordless gesture of “I’m still here” which they really appreciate. He can also get really physically clingy at times.

If you give him something really soft and cushiony to hold, like a fleece blanket or a large stuffed animal or a really fluffy pillow, they will like. melt into it with their entire body, trying to absorb as much physical contact as he can. These also help ground them when they need it.

Stress relief? Two more words: bubble wrap. He also likes crushing packing peanuts.

172 notes - Posted May 25, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Been havin’… thoughts.

186 notes - Posted January 30, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[bfdtp]

June TC Challenge!

1. Do you think your TC will teach you next year?

Nope 😭 I did sign up for his class but they decided not to do that class next year so.

2. If you had to move to another city, how would you tell your TC? Would you confess to them?

I would probably just tell him right away lol but I would probably not confess.

3. Have you ever written a letter to your TC? If no, would you ever do that and what would be in it? If yes, what did you write?

I did write one! I was just telling him how much I appreciate him and that I felt like I didn’t tell him that enough considering how many times he’s told me.

4. Are you attracted to your TC in a more emotional or sexual way? Or both?

More so in an emotional way tbh.

5. How did you meet your TC? Do you remember your first conversation?

Well I met him in his class obv but our first actual conversation was like a week later bc be came up to me during my schools sporting event and asked if I wanted to walk around and talk with him for a while 😄.

6. Have you ever had a serious problem because you had a TC? If not, what problem could you have?

No & Maybe people could have problems with the amount of attention that he gives me compared to others.

7. Have you ever had an argument with your TC?

Nope

8. Do you see your TC outside of school?

No!

9. On a scale of 1-10, how badly do you want to kiss your TC?

10 😭

10. If your TC is still married, would you (still) want a relationship with them?

No lol. I would probably still like him but not wanting as much as a relationship.

11. Do you have a photo with your TC? If yes, how did you get it?

No 💔

12. Do you think anyone you haven't told about your TC knows you're crushing on them?

There’s like 2 dudes that i’m sure know because they’ve seen me around him alone & probably the girl that sat next to me in his class. Like i’ve seen people look at us weirdly 🫠.

13. When is your last class with your TC? Will you see them over summer break?

My last class with him was in January lmao & I kinda asked him to come see me at my job during the summer but i’m not sure if he will lolz.

14. Have you ever mentioned the tcc/teacher crushes to your TC?

No. I would have to be insane to do that.

15. Do you think one of your classmates has a crush on your TC?

Yeah my desk mate from his class. It’s kind of obvious to me when she tries to flirt with him so I could never even get close with her because I was slightly annoyed by her 😭. Even when we went on a trip and he was out of school for a while, she kept bringing him up.

16. Do you get jealous when you see your TC with other students?

No because he’ll literally stop talking to them just to speak to me BUT I do get jealous of teachers.

17. If you and your TC had a long distance relationship, do you think it would work out?

Yes 🤓

18. What's your TC's degree? Do you like what they studied?

Chemistry!

19. Have you ever cried about your TC? If so, why?

People were saying that he was fired for something and it seemed like it was true bc he literally was not showing up and like everyone was talking about it so I cried in class because I was scared that I wasn’t gonna see him again 😭

20. Have you ever cried in front of your TC? If yes, why?

No.

21. Do you know about your TC'S family? If yes, what do you know?

He’s told me a lot abt them.