#6PM

[writingsonthewall404]

[3amdistress]

12 horas fueron. 12 horas en las q t espere. solo un visto, solo un mensaje, solo una respuesta q lleva a otra, solo un dialogo claro por una vez… algo q nos lleve a algo, eso esperaba d ti. nada mas eso…

llevabamos semanas asi, meses… para no decir años. llevo un buen rato buscando tus palabras en algun rincon del vasto internet. pero nada. decepcion tras decepcion es lo unico q podria encontrar al final de todas maneras, vd?

si… ya no me digas nada. ya no abrire nuestro chat ni tu blog, no vere q t gusta ni comentaste, no t buscare mas.

tiempo? querias tiempo… cierto. me hablaras cuando t de la gana a ti, vd? pero no cuando me de la gana a mi. en q momento amar se volvio tan… asi… entre nosotros? siempre lo fue? si… siempre fuimos inconstantes. uno se va y el otro vuelve. nos apreciamos un ratico y luego la volvemos a cagar. una… y otra vez. y asi sin fin.

odio este impulso de revisar si no pusiste una nueva cancion en la playlist q me hiciste, con la esperanza de algun dia encontrarme con algun nuevo tema q me haga querer abrazarte y darte amor una vez mas.

no me espero nada de ti… no me debo esperar nada de ti. nunca debi esperarme cosas de ti. pero no fue un error. sigo optimista a pesar de sonar tan distante y dura. lo poquito q digo es lo q realmente pienso. pero alli sigue… el afecto q siento por ti, destruye en un segundo todo el dolor y sufrimiento q pase por ti.

no me duele tanto. me duele poquito. amarte asi resulta insoportable, pero se me pasa con un poco de tu cariño. solo requeria eso. siempre pedi solo eso… una nadita de tu atencion y algo de interes genuino. pero pq iba a pedirle eso a quien no me lo puede dar? pq me llevaste a desearte tan profundamente si no podias dar ni lo minimo?

me detesto. siento tanta ira contra mi misma, por excusarte en el fondo por cada lagrima q me hiciste derramar. me da tanta rabia no ser capaz de apartarte del todo. quiero ser mejor persona como tu, pero como serlo sin ti? como se supone siga adelante cuando quien me ama jamas me amo en realidad?

t molesta q meta en duda tu amor? y q deberia hacer? comprenderte? como voy a comprender tu falta de empatia hacia mi? pq me pides lo q no puedes dar? yo t pido lo q t doy an… solo eso joder… solo quiero lo mismo. nada mas. quiero lo mas basico del mundo cundo se trata de una relacion amorosa.

dijiste q seamos amigos. como? como? como? quieres ser mi amigo? no, puedes ser mi amigo? dices amarme y estas bien con una amistad? de eso se trataba? no querias perderme y finjiste amarme? lo fingiste? me mentiste? pq me has engañado asi? actuando celoso cuando tenia novio? enojandote caundo habian otros? pq? si estas bien siendo mi amigo, pq me hiciste esto?

eres un egoista. siempre lo supe. pero acepte eso tambien de ti. t quise como eras. t quiero tal cual eres. pero, aun asi, no fue suficiente para entrar en tu corazon?

algo no esta logico…

me has mentido y nunca me quisiste como algo mas q una amiga o… soy yo la q apresuro de nuevo las cosas? t presione? por eso t perdi?

ah… ya lo veo ahora…

fui yo, vd? fue mi culpa como era de esperarse… no t di tiempo e insisti e insisti e insisti. yo la he cagado de nuevo, cierto.

no t di tiempo. y de nuevo la cague.

[modern-alebrije]

i wanna get high and play video games but i have errands to run 😡

[glamgoddess1234you]

Valentino

[kcjhutchins]

Weekly Stream Duo

The weekly stream with family is today. This time it will be just my cousin and I at 6 PM EDT. Hope you’ll drop by!

kcjhutchins - Twitch

[asdfcharacter]

First smile of the day!

I follow this lady on instagram who rescues cats, and i have been thinking about this video for literal months. behold the transformation of this wretched little beast

(x)

[oh-dear-so-queer]

"(...) We followed him home around 6 P.M., then watched the building for seven hours until we found out he'd been strangled in a queer joint. (...)"

"The Pelican Brief" - John Grisham

[silentmassacres]

tue, nov 19

there came a time in which the length i was so far ahead of people became shorter. even those either behind or equal to me came to have an easier time with the things i'd prided myself in, or things i needed desperately, yet couldn't reach. it's become so easy to surpass me.

and so, i feel the need to make up for it. even if not a soul listens to me, i can pride myself in certain aspects. of course, these aspects just set me apart more, but they always have.

it's harder now. and, unfortunately, the aspects that push me ahead are seldom noticed. when there's little recognition of the things that i can do well, then we go back to the feeling of being behind.

it makes me bitter, which is awful, of course. but when it feels as though i'm looked down upon constantly, it almost feels justified. "if you look down upon me, then i'll switch those roles" kind of thinking.

—

i do get. worried, with my emotional issues. those around me get it, i've made sure of that, but i can't help but wonder what that implies for my relationship. i'm not an outwardly emotional person, including affection, and i know that's bad. it's subjective, i guess, but in this situation, it is a bad thing.

i don't mind my emotional processing. i prefer it and i don't want to force myself into the unknown for the sake of being more. palatable, or something. that's the part that worries me — how much will i, or both of us, have to change to function together?

maybe therapy will help. maybe somebody will tell me the key to not being deeply traumatized and behaving normally in a relationship. the hard part is accessing therapy. i might start fighting for it again

—

i hate discussing trauma. in personal contexts, at least; if it's detached, then i feel less connected to the conversation.

but discussing trauma is like discussing any other issue, and when aid is based off of who listens, then it tends to get to you when nobody does.

and, of course, it tends to come down to whoever screams the loudest. but sometimes that's not it, sometimes it's just chance or severity. i hate thinking about severity.

i know what i've been through is bad, yet i can't help but feel like maybe i'm just dialing it up for. pity, or something. this thought process often goes hand in hand with straight up denial — if it wasn't a severe experience like anybody else, was it even bad at all?

i still do question it. i know that the brain is able to freak out over things that aren't real or that bad, so i have to wonder if that's the case. sometimes i wonder if pretending i have no trauma at all would be easier. or less, at least.

i think it'd make me look bad. there's a reasoning for my more unsavory behaviors, be it mental illness or trauma. if those go away, then there is no reasoning — i'm just broken, or evil, or something irredeemable altogether.

—

i've been somewhat vocal about my worsening state. it's a warning sign, really, to tell others that i'm not being malicious but instead can't find any energy to do anything.

it induces worry, i know that much. i wish i could talk about the extent of it, but i don't want to induce. that much worry.

i worry i may fall into disordered eating again. social media algorithms have been seeking me out and it's making me consider it. i don't know what happened to my discipline; maybe i could do it again, if i build up to it.

but i'm horribly depressed. and when i'm snacking to cope, that only leaves me starving and miserable. i wasn't miserable over the summer, not because of it.

—

i'm scared about the self harm thing too. i wish i could say i know better, but it really is a slippery slope. i don't want to get rid of my blades, partially because i use them for multiple things, but it gets hard trying to distract myself sometimes.

i got really scared that night, when the blood wouldn't stop. it hasn't even scarred yet, though it is decently healed, and i find myself wanting more. that scares me.

i feel like i'm 14 again, trying not to make cutting myself into a daily habit. nobody noticed before, i don't see why this would be much different.

[fluffypotatey]

love how my development of timebomb went from:

“I’ll go ahead and count that as flirting”

to

“OH I WILL NEVER RECOVER!!!”

[diinastie]

Me every morning on my way to uni

depression creature

[eggwhiteswithspinach]

regular after 6pm

[icyfox17]

IM SO TIREDDJFKSODS

[hawberries]

the GIRLS!!!

[gonnabeapinupgirl]

Like october is actually the 8th month, 10pm should be the 8th hour so there would be two more before the actual 10th... O.o

there should be more hours between 6 and 10pm. like even just two more hours. for my assorted hobbies & activities

[aggressivedean]

oh no. the sun rises in 30 minutes

[wcdonaldo]

*girl who wakes up at noon voice* how is it this late already