#6 years die in front of her from a charger shot

[usarinnpa]

tihnking about how octarian soldiers do ntot eve n have the comfort of their bones to be remembered by ........ ok .

[kchuarts]

Flowers in Blood

A/N: This is actually really fun to write!! I am definitely trying to go for a bit slower build with romantic feelings being realized in later chapters. Right now they are just like frenemies of sorts. 

Summary: The mission begins. 

Warnings: Attempt at assault 

Taglist: @lucywrites02​ *(Let me know if you’d like to be added!!)*

Chapter 2: Wolfsbane

BEEP, BEEP! BEEP, BEEP! BEEP, BEEP! 

Jonathan’s hand slammed down on the alarm clock, turning the irritating machine off. He raised his head and groaned as it was 4:40 AM and it made him wonder why in the hell he set the alarm that early. Angela told he and Katie to be at her office at 6 AM sharp, but for god sake- 

“Five more minutes…” He mumbled, ticking the alarm to ten minutes instead of five like he said so. 

He was trying to sleep off his moderate hangover and dull headache from last night after he made the dumb decision of upsetting his partner for the investigation. It was not until 1 AM that Pine decided to call it quits on the partially helpful alcohol and head back. The way that Katie had rushed out after he let slip that he was her brother’s friend and watched him die made him feel horrible. So much for a first introduction of sorts and hoping to form at least a decent bond with the young woman. Pine pleaded to whatever God was listening that the mission they were assigned on would pass by quickly or become cold again. It was rather dark to think that, but he could not deal with the literal lingering guilt at his side. He would have to come up with a way to push those feelings aside and quick in order for their mission to go as smoothly as possible. Just as the thought settled and Jonathan’s eyes lulled shut, the incessant beeping returned with a vengeance and for some reason, it was louder than before. Once again, Pine’s large hand slammed down on the noisy clock and forced himself from the confines of his bed. A shiver ran down his body from the cool air of his room as he stretched his waking body from the stasis of sleep. His blue eyes glanced over to the window and naturally, it was raining. He sighed with slight irritation and rubbed the bridge of his nose as the headache made its presence more apparent. Hopefully a hot shower before he left would help ease the now growing throb of his head. 

Unfortunately for Katie, she had not gotten a wink of sleep last night and spent her waking moments dissociating. Logically, she knew that it was not Pine's fault that Cameron had died but she couldn’t help but let herself morbidly blame him for it. Her opinion of Jonathan had quickly changed as did her attitude of working with him as he was a man. She guessed by her reaction, he would show his true colors like all men did once they upset a woman and be an absolute prick. The brunette shook her head and let out a deep sigh, smacking the heel of her palm against her forehead. “Stupid, stupid, stupid…” She muttered to herself, getting up and whining from the unpleasant tingle that shot to her feet. Maybe she could convince Angela to let her go on her own? If she told the truth and her discomfort of men? No. She had only met the woman yesterday but she seemed like the type of person to tell you to bite the bullet and stick to it. “Fuck me.” She groaned softly, walking toward the bathroom and shedding her clothes off to shower before she left. Why did she even accept this stupid job? Sure it meant being paid well and going to travel, but she would be risking her life along with another person. If she chickened out now, then all those years of study and training would go down the drain. Katie also assumed that Cameron would be super disappointed in her after she had worked so hard to get where she was now. “I just had to be partnered up with your old buddy, didn’t I?” She asked out loud while scrubbing the chill from her skin with warm water and soap. After spending around ten more minutes in the shower, Katie just about screamed from noticing what time it was. The clock read 5:30 AM and the ten minutes spent basking in the hot water was not ten minutes at all. “Shit!! Wonderful first impression off to a good start!!” she grabbed the clothes that were set out for this morning and quickly shoved them on the best she could as her body was not completely dried off. Katie wanted to hit her head against a brick wall as hard as she could at this point and hopefully knock herself unconscious. Thankfully, the only thing that seemed to be in her favor was that her suitcase was already packed and good to go. The brunette furiously brushed her teeth and jumped around while trying to pull a sock onto her foot. “MMMGH!!” She clenched her teeth together and almost fell to the floor as she hit her exposed knee on the doorwall. Foamy toothpaste dribbled from her mouth as she shut her eyes tightly and eventually did fall flat on her bottom and cried. She prayed no one heard her or that she woke anyone up, though it was unlikely she did not. 

“Perfect, just fucking perfect!” She spit into the sink and rinsed her mouth, growling in frustration and shoving her toiletries into her suitcase. “Hi Angela! Sorry I’m like twenty minutes late on my first fucking day of the job!!” She began to monologue and search for her wallet and phone charger. “I didn’t get any sleep last night because of my fear of men and my existential dread over my dead brother-” she fished the last of her needed items out and grabbed the door handle, “because the asshole you paired me with is the guy who killed him-!” Katie’s jaw dropped as Pine had been standing right outside of her door, presumably waiting for her. Her hands flew over her mouth and her eyes quickly fell to the floor from shame. “To answer your question, I heard everything. Even the part about me being an arsehole and “murdering” your brother.” His tone was cool and face unreadable. 

“You didn’t have to wait for me…” Katie’s voice became quiet. 

“Well I did because I thought that maybe I should apologize about last night and perhaps talk things through. However, it seems apparent that your mind has been made up already.” Pine snapped, huffing and turning on his heel to walk out. Here he thought maybe talking to her would start them off fresh and possibly help to deal with the guilt he felt. Turns out that was not an option in the slightest and further wounded the ex soldier after hearing her rant. 

Katie raised her hand to stop him from walking so fast, but he had already left her alone in her doorway. Sighing loudly, the brunette girl did a once over around her flat before locking the door and slamming it shut. She didn’t really give a shit if she woke anyone up now as this mission was already a complete failure. 

Naturally, Pine was first to arrive at Angela's office and took the time on his walk to cool off and shove what happened to the back of his mind. All those thoughts were forced back up front when Katie stumbled in five minutes later, panting. Angela’s brows knit together at the girl, “You’re late.” She bluntly stated. The younger woman waved her hand and took another second to catch her breath, shooting a glare at Pine who subtly smirked at her being called out. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to. I swear to God I am NEVER late-” 

“Except for now?” Jonathan spoke sarcastically and raised his brows, amused by how little it took to anger the American woman. 

Katie glared at Pine, stomping her way over and pulling the chair aggressively seated next to the man away. Rob slowly lifted his head from some papers to witness what all was happening, keeping to himself. “Aren’t you two just chummy.” Angela muttered under her breath and rolled her eyes, “Great to see you took my advice of trying to get to know each other.” She frowned, folding her hands on her desk. “Excuse me!! I wasn’t aware that I would have the displeasure of being paired up with my dead brother’s killer-” 

“Killer!? There you go again with blaming his death on me. I did not kill him, Katelyn O’Connor. If you knew half of what went down that day, maybe you would have a different outlook!” Pine swivelled his body around to face Katie. 

The younger woman’s nostrils flared, “Really?! Then why was he sent home in fucking pieces!? Did you know we had to have a closed casket funeral that oh by the way, I never saw you, Jonathan Pine, attend?! It is your fault he is six feet underground when you could have saved him!!” 

Jonathan stood up abruptly and loomed over the shorter woman who also rose from her seat, half tempted to spit in his handsome face. “You-” 

“ENOUGH!! Fuck!” Angela slammed her palms down on her desk and growled. “I swear you two are worse than my fucking toddler! I don’t know what the hell went on last night, but it ends now if we are going to solve this case and bring whoever is running this circus down! I’m sorry to say that there is not anyone else I have to take your places and that you are stuck together. So unless you want to get killed out on the field over personal matters, I suggest you put it aside and at least be civil with each other!” The Director looked at both of them and threw her hands up, “Sit down!!” 

Not wanting anymore issues, the agents obliged to Angela’s words but still cast nasty glances at each other. “Now if we are done being school children, I would like to debrief on what is going to happen. Can you handle that? Or do I need to bring out a get along t-shirt?” Angela waited for a reply, but got a silent nod from them instead. Whatever, as long as she got the information out and them on their way. “There has been a new break in the investigation and evidence has been found in Moscow. See here, there are poppies on the arms of victims from over in our neck of the woods and another similar marking on victims across the pond.” Her brown eyes glanced up at Katie before she continued, “However, with the recent uprising with this strange group making a comeback, a new flower is being used. Wolfsbane.” She tapped a picture that was recently printed. Pine quickly snatched it from Angela before Katie had a chance to look at it, causing both women to roll their eyes. “What’s with the flowers anyhow?” He shook his head and gave the picture back to Angela who then handed it to Katie. The Director shrugged, “Haven’t a clue. I suppose that’s just a signature they like usin’ after they finish with a crime.” 

“Could have to do with poison.” Katie cleared her throat and handed the picture back. “Poppies and Wolfsbane are poisonous flowers, I’m just making a guess here but I think they’re using those kinds of flowers as a warning that these people are not to be messed with.” She folded her arms over her chest. “No, I thought that maybe they wanted to decorate the crime scene with pretty flowers.” Jonathan shot at his partner who in turn clenched her fists. “What the fuck did I just say?” Angela whined, dragging her hands down her face and growling from irritation. “Sorry, Angela. I think some of us just don’t have the decency to hold back any snark when they aren’t in the spotlight.” Katie smirked and slyly winked at Pine. The nerve of this woman! Pine could definitely see the side of his late friend in her that he absolutely detested. “Right then. Anyways, while I like your theory Katie, the reasoning behind these symbols are still unknown. 

If the two have any correlation, report it back immediately. In the meantime, your target is Abaddon Hasapis.” Angela pulled a picture of a very elegant, yet sinister looking woman out. Her hair was curled and frame confident, knowing. Her eyes held a nefarious gleam and bow shaped lips cast a dirty smirk. “I want details on this woman as her name seems to be popping up in each new case that we receive on the Wolfsbane crimes. She is a socialite and often attends auctions, charities and parties for the wealthy. Naturally, none of the money in the charity events actually goes to the intended group. There is a gala in Moscow that she will be attending within the next three days.” Angela took a deep breath in, pursing her lips and looking at her agents sternly, “You two will be attending this gala and are a lovely couple who recently got engaged.” 

Both of their jaws dropped slightly and each made a move to complain about their roles before Angela stopped them. “No, no! I will not be having any other interjections! Katie O’Connor no longer exists for the time being nor does Jonathan Pine. Instead, you are Steven Ranger and Natasha Romans. Your hotel is the Metropol and let me just say it was not an easy feat to get reservations. It is around a 10 minute drive from the gala and a bit of a hike should you find yourselves without transportation. I’ve had your measurements marked down and your appropriate attire sent to your room.” She clapped her hands together and raised her brows, sighing quickly. “Any questions before you go? And not about why you’re a couple.” She shot that complaint down faster than the agents could say uncle. The room went silent and Angela looked from Katie to Jonathan one last time before standing up and ushering them out. “Off you go then! As soon as you reach the train, shoot me a text, the hotel give me a call and then keep track of whatever information you gather. You won’t be returning to England for some time so I expect your best behavior. I cannot believe I am having to even say that. Please try not to bite each other’s heads off.” Her arms fell to her sides and she gave a frown. Pine nodded, flashing a small smile “There won’t be any biting since her bark is the worst she can do.” 

“PINE!!” Katie smacked the tall man’s arm hard and growled. 

“Ah, ah. Steven is my name, dear Natasha.” 

Katie had not the faintest idea how in the hell she would survive this mission with this asshole or if she didn’t end up killing him by the end of it. 

The way to the train station was relatively quiet for the most part except for the occasional grunt or cough. “Watch where you’re going! Fuckin’ wanker.” A pedestrian bumped hard into Katie and made her turn around, glaring before catching Pine smirk out of the corner of her eye. “You think me getting called a wanker is funny?” She clenched her jaw. Jonathan made a disgusted face, “Please refrain from saying that word ever again. It does not sound right when you say it with your, your whatever American accent. In fact, please refrain from speaking at all. Your voice is annoying.” He felt the girl sock him in the ribs with her elbow and trudge through. As she stomped forward to the conductor, Pine noticed a group of men eyeing Katie up and down while she was too busy being a piss ant. “She yours?” One of them asked, pulling a cigarette from his lips and blew smoke. The men must have seen her little stunt that she pulled earlier. “Ah, no. She’s not. I actually do not even know her, she’s just some rude American. Bloody foreign women, feisty they are.” He lied, giving a curt nod to the men before following Katie in short. They sat 3 rows apart as neither of them wanted to even so much as look at one another. At least now Pine could get some peace and quiet for a bit with the two day trip to Russia ahead of them. Technically, they didn’t have to put on the gag-inducing task of acting like a couple right away, but unbeknownst to them, it would have been wise to do so in the first place. 

Pine shot Angela a text before putting his phone away to read up on the case and a book he had brought. He was an avid reader and quite enjoyed Shakespearean works and complicated theories. The book he had brought would serve great entertainment as it was packed with an abundance of Plato’s work. A few more passengers hurried onto the train before it departed, rudely shoving their way through the corridors. “Watch it!” One of them bumped into Pine rather harshly and caused his book to fall. The dark blonde man looked up while grabbing his book at the stranger and scoffed. He thought about retorting back, but decided it wasn’t worth the time to get into a fight when he already knew of the nonsense he’d be bickering over with Katie. Shaking his head, Pine dusted his book off and sighed. Around fifteen minutes had passed since the train departed and a very strong smell of nicotine permeated the air. Normally, Jonathan didn’t mind it as he was an occasional smoker himself. However, it was overwhelmingly pungent and particularly disgusting. Unfortunately for him, the source of the smell was sitting nearby and likely not to change carts soon. 

“Hey there poppet.” A rough looking man took a seat in front of Katie, flashing his yellowed teeth. Two more men followed in suit, one of them sitting next to her and causing her to scrunch her nose from the strong odor of nicotine. Her heart began to race as she could practically feel the intention of these men radiate off them. “Please don’t call me that. I don’t mean to be standoffish, but I’d like to be left alone.” Katie’s voice cracked and she turned to look out the window, trying to calm down as past trauma was racing into her bloodstream. “That chap from earlier was right about you American women.” A dirty hand snatched Katie’s chin as the owner forced her to look at him. He licked his cracked lips and eyed her up and down with his soulless gaze, “Pretty one she is though. You may be a bitch, but that makes ‘em all the more fun to toy with.” He chuckled and released her face, grabbing her arm. Katie’s eyes widened and she shook her head. She was completely frozen as she felt grubby fingers crawl over her knee and up her thigh. Small, quiet noises of panic were the only thing that could escape her throat as fear came over the young woman. The touches stopped once a tear slid down her cheek and her body flinched hard as one of the men wiped the tear away. “Aww little poppet’s scared. What’sa matter? You still a maiden waiting for the right one?” The third man’s breath was enough to make Katie want to throw up. She shook her head no, unable to speak still and felt the fingers resume their unwanted caresses. Her breath began to pick up and her eyes flicked down as the button on her jeans was undone. “Please don’t-” She muttered, her body trembling as she felt fingers start to slide down her pants. “Please.” She cried softly, shutting her eyes before feeling the touches aggressively ripped off of her. 

“Oi! What’s all this about!? You’re that bloke from earlier!! I thought you said she wasn’t yours!! Bloody liar, she ain’t about to be yours no more-” 

The sound of Pine’s fist hitting one of Katie’s assailants had everyone in the cart turn their attention to the sudden fight. Jonathan grabbed the other two and tossed them out, bringing his elbow down on the back of one's neck and twisting the arm of the other until he heard a pop. A scream of pain erupted from the man and the train suddenly jolted to a complete stop. Pine grabbed the front of the man who initiated Katie’s attempted assault and growled, “She belongs to no one but herself. Unlike people of your ilk, I actually respect women and don’t fucking touch them without their consent! You would be wise to use the single brain cell in that thick head of yours to exit now considering our interaction has caused an issue. Get. Out. NOW!!” He threw the man to the ground and saw the trio scamper off the train as the doors opened. Police shortly put them in handcuffs before another came in to interrogate Pine. “I’d have you in bars too for what you did, but these three have been a problem for months now with harassing women. Keep yourself outta trouble, will ya?” The officer nodded to Pine before waving to everyone as a signal the situation had been handled. Once the officer departed and the doors shut, Jonathan held his hand out to Katie. “I doubt you want to continue to sit here and reminisce over those pigs. I know we aren’t on good terms but-” Jonathan stopped as Katie took his hand and got up, her bag over her shoulder and her eyes full of tears. The spy nodded and exhaled, leading the way to where he was sitting and helping Katie settle in. It was only until she finally calmed down that the girl released Pine’s hand. 

“Why?” She sniffled, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “Why’d you come to my rescue? You hate me.” 

“I hate it when women are taken advantage of.” His blue eyes sparkled for a moment as he thought of his late Sophie Alekan. “I don’t… I don’t hate you, Katie. Just because you blame me for that,��� He paused, choosing his next words carefully, “Doesn’t mean that I hate you. Actually, if you would have let me explain earlier I still feel that it was my fault. I have nightmares about that day and there isn’t a moment that goes by where I wish I would have been in his stead.” He looked at her, an honest expression resting on his face. 

Katie’s brows turned upward and caught her bottom lip between her teeth. “Pine-” She closed her eyes and then sighed, “Steven.” She corrected herself, “I’m sorry for what happened i-it’s just it was so sudden and you know how humans are; we have a horrible habit of putting the blame onto someone and-” She stopped as Jonathan waved his hand as a signal that he no longer wished to dwell on the topic. “We can talk about it some other time but right now, are you ok? They didn’t hurt you?” His tone became soft. Katie shook her head and she gave a small, wry smile. “Thankfully, no. I just couldn’t fight back.” She admitted weakly, not wanting to see the disappointment in Jonathan’s stunning baby blues. “Is that why you were so nervous around me yesterday evening? And your flinch when we shook hands?” his question caused her to force her gaze back up. Katie’s pink lips parted as she was flabbergasted at how easy she was to read and nodded slowly. She pulled her arms around herself and swallowed the urge to cry down, “I’ll admit when Angela told me I was working with you, I felt afraid. For two years, I lived in a nightmare and never thought I would escape. By the time I did, I changed.” She rubbed her lips together, unable to stop the tears. “His name is Travis Smithson and he is the man that made me frightened of men and unable to live normally for three years.” she sniffled, wiping her tears and rubbing her face in her sleeve. 

Jonathan’s heart sank and he felt the urge to hug her, but did not do so. “I’m so very sorry to hear that, Natasha. You certainly didn’t deserve it…” He made a mental note of her ex's name, stashing it in the back of his head for future reference. “Are you still afraid of me?” He asked softly, leaning forward just a bit. Katie shook her head and gave a shaky exhale before giving him a tiny smile, “No. I’m just mad I’m stuck with an asshole.” She began to giggle and brighten up, causing Pine to smile as well. “Well if we’re going to be on those terms again, then you’re just as much of an arsehole as I am… No, not as much because you’re too short.” He laughed as Katie hit him with her sleeve that wasn’t covered in snot. “Leave my height out of this!!” She smiled at him and chuckled softly at his jeer. “Hey, thank you for rescuing me. Maybe you aren’t as much of an asshole as I thought you were, even if you did call me a bitch to those men.” She smirked and pulled her tablet out. “To be fair, you kind of were acting like one.” He received a playful kick for his comment and shoved her leg away from anymore kicks. “But, I would at least like to make up for earlier and it is the right thing to do. Your brother would have kicked my ass if I didn’t.” He saw a smile at the mention of Cameron. “Yeah he would have. No one messes with Cam’s little sister and gets away with it.” 

The rest of the trip went smoothly with Katie and Jonathan coming to civil terms and an agreement to have a long in depth discussion regarding Cameron’s death. “Shit.” Jonathan smacked his forehead and groaned softly to himself. “What? What is it?” Katie became alarmed and sat up from her light snooze. “I don’t know a lick of Russian. Please tell me you know enough to get us by? I did read your file but didn’t see anything about languages except Japanese.” He opened one eye, looking at his younger companion. “Luckily for us, I do. Unfortunately, I can’t read jack shit of it and I only know a few basics. Other than that, we will have to play stupid.” She immediately ate her words as a smirk crept onto Pine’s face. “I thought you already were playing stupid- Hey!!” He laughed as she quickly changed seats to get him into a sort of choke hold and rub her fist on his curly head. Jonathan fought her off after a few more seconds before she returned to her seat. “It says you’re 24 but you certainly act like you’re a teenager.” He mused, raising a brow at her as the train came to its final stop. Katie stood up and smiled at him, shifting her bag “What’s the fun in life acting like a 38 year old who bullies young ladies?” She grinned, watching him pack his belongings before exiting the train with her. “You forgot- Short, young ladies.” his large hand grabbed Katie’s head gently and ruffled her hair before chuckling at her pout. “Watch it, you-” Her smile soon faded as police lights flashed brightly ahead with plenty of caution tape to spare. Jonathan looked behind himself and gently took Katie’s hand, walking fast and attempting to get a glance at the scene. Russian officers kept shouting at the ongoers, telling them to move along and that there was nothing to see. A tarp had been laid out over the apparent victim with their pale arm visible to Katie and Jonathan’s view. 

A wolfsbane flower had been carved into the victims arm along with the same flower decorating the scene.

[fallinfor-youreyes]

If I can prompt you one of these for Rosvolio, I'd love to see what you'd do with No. 6 or 11.

6. “No, don’t cry, I hate it when you cry”

11. “Oh god, you’re bleeding”

There’s too many of them to count.

When it was just the three of them,her, Livia, and Juliet, it was easy. When all hell would break loose,Rosaline could could the two of them and herself as they wererunning, a mental list keeping them together.

But now there’s six. Somehow theMontague boys (Mercutio counts okay) had joined their tiny troop ofsurvivors, so now Rosaline not only has to count more heads to makesure everyone is safe and accounted for, but she also has to dealwith the Montague’s on top of the zombie apocalypse.

They’re looting a convince storefor any supplies they can when everything goes to shit. And of coursethe undead are inside the store, and of course the second everyone isout, they scatter, and then the screams start.

And then the gun shots.

As far a Rosaline can tell, there’sa heirarchy to what’s left of the world. There’s the zombies, thepeople trying to survive, and the people who see it as an opportunityto be as violent as they want, against both the living and thereliving.

This specific instance seems to be amix of all three.

She can’t count. All she can seeis the flash of Juliet’s hair and Livia cursing and it’s dark.Too dark for her to know the difference between zombies and peopleand she’s just running, but she can’t count.

Rosaline liked when there was three.Three is easy to count. Three is easy to keep together. But theMontague’s had more guns and ammo and food, and an actual plan onhow to get out of Verona. And if there’s anything Rosaline learnedfrom watching too many movies, it’s you never split up.

“Capulet!”

Rosaline spins, following Mercutio’svoice, and she can see him, signaling toward a house and then shesees Juliet, and Romeo, and Livia with Benvolio’s arm wrappedaround her shoulder, and it’s six.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.

She sprints toward them, counting,running over their faces in her head.

“Did you check inside?” Sheasks, out of breath as Mercutio and locks the door and goes to grabsome chairs to secure it

“I did a perimeter check, andRomeo and Juliet are doing the inside of the house now.” Mercutiotries the light switch, and miraculously some of the lights flickerto life.

“Clear!” Romeo yells fromsomewhere inside of the house, and Mercutio jams the chair under thedoor before collapsing into it.

Rosaline relaxes slightly, but herhands are still shaking, and she’s still counting in her head, hereyes flitting around the each person, even more relief settling n herbones once Romeo and Juliet wander back into the living room.

Benvolio still resting most of hisweight on Livia, and she moves them toward the couch, gingerlysitting him down.

“What’s wrong?” Juliet says,spying them. Everyone centers around the couch, their eyes scanningover the two of them.

“I fell on the street. Pretty sureI ran into a branch. Livia was kind enough to save my life.”Benvolio shoots them all one of his signature smiles, and groansslightly in pain when he tries to get more comfortable.

Rosaline finishes her scan of Liviaand moves her eyes to the Montague.

Her eyes travel down his face, overhis chest, each arm -

“Like something you see, Capulet?”he says, eyes full of mischief. He’s insufferable, always jokingwhen they should be serious, picking on her nerves relentlesslybecause they always get stuck together for patrol, making decisionsbased on heroics rather than survival at times.

“No.” Rosaline shoots him aglare but keeps up her scan, making sure that branch he ran intodidn’t do more damage than a bruise. She’s dragging her eyes downhis left arm when he coughs, and then groans, and she suddenly feelslike something might actually be wrong.

He shifts again, and Rosalineglances at his chest when she sees it. The tiniest bit of red peakingthrough the gray of his sweatshirt.

“Oh god,” She says, her handsscrambling to tear his shirt up. “You’re bleeding.”

“What?” His eyes brows knottogether in confusion, and then Livia is on the ground next to her,her hands already ripping through her first aide kit. “I’m notbleeding. I would know if I was bleeding.”

Mercutio and Romeo are lifting hisarms and pulling his shirt over his head and Juliet is grabbing hotwater, and Benvolio is still protesting, until Livia’s hands brusharound the area, and he just, sways.

“Get him on the kitchen table.”Livia orders, her two years of training kicking in.

The boys listen, and Juliet comesback in with towels and water, and Rosaline is on wash duty, and themore they move, the less Benvolio Benvolio becomes.

“I think he was shot.” Liviasays. She’s pulling various things out of her bag, and then liftinghim slightly  to see if there’s an exit wound.

“I would know if I was shot.”Benvolio says weakly, trying to sit himself up before Romeo shoveshis shoulder back down on the table.

“Not if the shock kicked infirst.” Livia dunks her hands in the water before turning to him.“You need to stay as still as possible okay.”

Benvolio stares at her a momentlonger than needed before nodding and dropping himself back down tothe table.

Everyone who is not operating onBenvolio is grabbing what they can to secure the doors and windows,making the house as safe as they can.

Livia makes quick work of pullingand sewing and wrapping, and by the time she’s done, Benvolio ispale and too weak to move by himself, but he’s alive. For now.

“I don’t think it’s safe to doa blood transfusion here, and I don’t have the tools I need to doone.” She worries her lip through her teeth and cracks herknuckles. “We need him to make it through the night.  Hopefullythis place is safe enough that he has time to get some strengthback.”

Romeo wraps his arm around hershoulder. “Liv. You did good. You did great. You need to sleep now.We all do.”

Rosaline counts everyone off as theynod, the toll of the last few hours on their faces.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Her eyes fall to the couch whereBenvolio is propped up by pillows, looking to pale and too close todeath for her liking. As if he can tell everyone’s looking at him,he slides his eyes open, and forces a smile onto his face.

Six.

It’s technically Mercutio’s turnto be on watch, but she can’t sleep, and there’s no point to himstaying up as well. Rosaline sneaks her way into what used to be theliving room, Benvolio sprawled out on the largest couch, his headresting in Mercutio’s lap as Mercutio plays on a nitendo Switch.

“I thought the whole zombieapocalypse thing would garner necessities only,” Rosaline says,tucking herself in the smaller single person chair, Mercutio’s eyessliding from his game to Rosaline’s face.

“The switch is a necessity. Youdon’t want to see me when I’m bored out of my mind.”

“Ah.” Rosaline pulls her kneesup to her chin and watches them for a moment, Benvolio breathinglightly, covered in almost all the blankets they could find aroundthe house.

“What are you doing up?”Mercutio asks once he’s finished his game.

“Couldn’t sleep. Thought I wouldrelieve you of your duty so you could.”

Mercutio watches her closely andusually she would stare right back, angry and defiant, but today tooksomething out of her. This is the first time any of them have gottenseriously hurt. Benvolio could die. Or be too weak to move forward.

Or be even more susceptible to theinfection and she knows they are literally fighting for their livesthrough the armies of the undead, but she hadn’t thought of theprospect of actually loosing someone.

“If you’re sure.” Mercutiofinally says, stretching from his position. Benvolio stirs, and hiseyes snap open.

“Woah.” Mercutio grabs himbefore he sits up, stopping him from jumping. “Hey, we’re okayBen. Ros and I are just switching positions.” Mercutio signals herover and tells her to slip into his vacated seat, gently movingBenvolio’s head onto her lap.

“Ros?” Benvolio’s eyes roll upso he can look at her, and there’s the smallest of smiles on hisface. “She has a nicer lap than you.” He says shooting a looktoward Mercutio.

“Yeah, yeah, make fun of my soccerthighs.” Mercutio pats Benvolio’s shoulder and then grabs theswitch and the charger. “Holler if you need anything,” he says toRosaline, and then he’s disappearing out of the living room, andit’s just the two of them.

Benvolio’s already halfway back todreamland, so Rosaline gently takes her hand and cards it through hiscurls, working out the knots and dirt and the clumps of blood.

There’s all messy and dirty andbarely just hanging on, but she can’t lose him. She can’t loseanyone else.

“You’re not allowed to die onme, Montague.” She says, more of a whisper than actual words. Hestirs gently beneath her hands, and she pauses, but that only causeshim to grumble until she starts running her hands through his hairagain.

As much as she originally dislikedthe idea of the  Montague’s joining them at first, she’sbegrudgingly become attached to them. And Benvolio was annoying forsure, but as things worked out, she had spent a lot of time with himin the past few weeks. Enough to know that most of the time thearrogance is a front, and underneath it all, he’s scared, worriedabout his family, worried about everyone’s safety.

And she’s seen him transfer thatprotectiveness to her sister and her cousin, even throwing himself infront of Livia once when her gun ran out of ammo, and the zombieswere closer than any of them had thought.

“I can’t lose you.”

Maybe it’s how quiet the room is,or maybe it’s because she’s never actually told him that she’sstarted to care for him as well, that he’s part of her collectionof people, 5 instead of 2, more people to protect, more people tocount, more people to keep safe.

Out of nowhere she feels the stingof tears prickling behind her eyes, the thought of losing any ofthem, of losing him, causing the emotions she’s beenbottling up for weeks now to start to bubble out of her.

“I can’t be the one to put abullet in your head, okay. And if you turn into a brain eatingcorpse, you know I would have to be the one to do it. And I can’t.I can’t do that.” Her hands are shaking now so she pulls themaway from his hair, and ever so slowly his eyes open.

“No, don’t cry,” he says,reaching backwards so he can catch one of her tears on his thumb. “Ihate it when you cry.”

“You’ve never seen me cry,”she says, instantly defensive. Because they are snark and sarcasm andchildhood rivalries that rolled into adult indifference. Because shedoesn’t cry in front of anyone, not even Livia. Because you can’tshow weakness in the zombie apocalypse, because the monster can smellit.

Benvolio rolls his eyes, and she cantell he is weak because it is nowhere close to it’s typical levelof annoyance.

“When Escalus broke up with you atthe Verona Winter Ball. It might have been dark by the drinks, but Ihave very good eye sight.” He holds up a finger, and she realizeshe’s going to list all the times he’s seen her cry. Which isslightly mortifying, but also in some way endearing. “When Romeoasked you out in front of the entire senior class. You hide them verywell, but that back alley behind the gym was my treasured broodingspot.” He coughs, and she’s instantly tense, ready to call forsomeone but he reaches out and stops her, his hand colliding with herknee.

“I’m fine. Relax.” He shiftsuntil he’s comfortable again, and takes a deep breath. “When wewere five and I pulled on your braids because I was fascinated by thebeads, and being five had no concept of being gentle or knowing thatpulling on someone’s hair hurt.” His eyes finds hers upside down,and he’s covered in dirt and blood, and a few hours ago he wasalmost dead, but Rosaline stupidly finds him beautiful. “So I’veseen you cry. And I hate it. Especially when it’s about me. You’rethe strongest person I know, Rosaline. You’re like the main reasonwe’re still alive right now. So don’t you waste your tears onme.”

Before she even knows what she’sdoing she’s folding herself over and pressing her lips against his.It’s a terrible position to kiss someone in.

It’s an even more terrible time tokiss someone.

The movies and shows and the booksalways make the whole zombie thing look like one great adventure, butit’s just lots of walking and never having enough food, and always,always being afraid.

So maybe that’s why she kisseshim.

Because she’s crying and she’sterrified, and she almost lost him today, and he remembers them fromwhen they were five and in kindergarten together, even though it wasover two decades ago.

“Oh,” he says when she pullsback.

He’s so pale, but she can see theslightest bit of color in his cheeks, which she takes as a good sign.

“Just to clarify, was that becauseyou think I’m going to die? Or because you have a thing for guyswith bullet wounds and amazing memories about the history of youremotions.”

“Not entirely sure,” she says,because she’s not. She’s never thought about kissing a Montaguebefore, especially not this particular one. It took a gunshot woundfor her realize she doesn’t hate his company. And ocne she realizedthat, she realized that she likes him. As a person. As someone shewants to keep around, even if they get out of this mess alive and inone peace.

He starts to push himself to hiselbows, but she shoves him back down before he can get to far.

“What are you doing?”

“Maneuvering myself so I can kissyou properly. If I am going to die, I’d like to die knowing whatproperly kissing you is like.” He glares up at her, the effectmostly lost in the fact that he looks exhausted.

“You’re not going to die.”Rosaline stuffs a pillow where her leg was and slides off the couch.“Promise me.”

His eyes follow her as she settlesinto the carpet, leveling herself close enough to him that he doesn’thave to move much.

“I promise you, Rosaline Capulet,that if you let me kiss you, I will not die, tonight.”

“Good.” She slides her fingersacross his cheeks, and he moans quietly, before her lips even touchhis.

And then, they are kissing properly.

She hasn’t properly brushed herteeth in a gross amount of time, and his lips taste a little likeblood, and she has two guns strapped to her body, and there could bean entire hoard of zombies right outside the door, but for thismoment, she’s just a girl, kissing a boy.

A boy who is slipping his handaround her jaw and tugging her closer and kissing her for real.

Like he’s going to die and this isthe last thing he is ever going to do.

The weight of that makes her pullaway. Because she can’t let him kiss her like that. Because he isnot going to die on her.

Rosaline pulls away, and gentlyuntangles them.

He’s quiet as she moves herselfback onto the couch. Quiet as she runs her hands through his hair andhums the lullaby her mother used to sing to her. Quiet as the sunstarts to peak through the makeshift walls they built in front of thewindows.

So quiet, that for a moment, shestops hearing him breathe.

“Benvolio!” She grabs hisshoulder and he slowly blinks his eyes open, a yawn over taking hisbody.

“I promised you,” he says, morea whisper than anything. “Now you just have to keep kissing me andkeep me to my promise.”

Livia pokes her head into the livingroom before Rosaline can answer, and then before she knows it, thereis six of them again.

Mercutio is fumbling with the radioto see if there’s any news, and Juliet is furiously pounding alaptop, begging it to work, and Romeo peaks through a window.

Livia re-wraps Benvolio’s chest,and for a second there is peace.

Benvolio catches her eye and winks.

And then, all hell breaks lose.

[theluckyyyoneee]

Timing

Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8: Finale

Genre: Angst/Fluff

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader x Jungkook

Word Count: 2.6+k

not my gif^

Taehyung was a nervous wreck as the two of you made your way back to his house that he had abandoned what seemed like a year ago. His heart was beating in his throat, his heart rate thundering in his chest.

He was so relieved that you didn’t hate him anymore but knew he needed to make it up to you for everything he did-to everyone, actually. Especially to Jungkook.

You noticed him slow down to a halt when the two of you got to a certain distance from the front door and turned to look back at him with a knowing smile. You were so nice, too nice. “You coming?”

“Yeah...” he stuttered in a voice that he even barely heard. “I’m just...” he shot you a nervous grimace. “nervous. I mean... will they even want to see me?”

You exhaled out a small laugh as you joked, “Well, probably not Jungkook.” Your awkward smile slid right off your face as you noticed that he was not laughing along with you. You took a few steps toward him and placed a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. “The boys really missed you and they were worried as much as I was. You should apologize to all of them, but especially to Jungkook. Okay?” Taehyung took a deep breath and nodded along with your words and followed you slowly to the front door once again.

He was attacked the moment he stepped foot in the house, you stepping away at the right moment to avoid getting caught up in the sudden jostling of exclaims and hugs and a few punches here and then.

"Where were you?"

"We were worried about you, you ass!"

"I'm gonna beat your ass if you disappear like that again!"

Everyone was shouting things at him, but their tones were light and his chest was a bit lighter than it was before he stepped in there.

It amazed and awed him as he noticed how the guys didn't completely hate him like he predicted, how they huddled around him with big smiles on their faces.

Well, all except one.

He watched as you talked with Jungkook across the room, the two of you less than a hair's width apart, his hands intertwined with yours as the two of you smiled at each other, shaking and nodding your heads to each other from time to time.

Looking away when the two of you started to kiss, he smiled to himself when he felt no jealousy erupt in him, how he felt genuinely happy for the two of you without lying to himself.

Glancing at the two of you to see if it was safe to look, he saw you gesturing towards him with furrowed brows and a slight pout of your lips. Jungkook sighed and nodded before his eyes met his, and he jerked his head to the left in the direction of one of the bedrooms and Taehyung nodded mutely.

"I'm really sorry guys, and I will apologize the right way later, but right now I really need to apologize to Jungkook." Taehyung got everyone’s attention and they sobered up and patted his shoulders encouragingly.

As he made his way into the bedroom Jungkook disappeared into, you shot him a wide goofy smile and an adorable thumbs up that made him smile even though he was no nervous he could pass out at any moment.

Jungkook was sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning back on his hands with an uncomfortable expression on his face and the expression didn’t change when he made eye contact with him. He eyed him the whole time until he was sitting right beside him.

Taehyung drug in an uneven breath after a long silence between them. “I’m so sorry for everything, Jungkook. I know that what I did was so wrong and I am so sorry for what happened with Y/N. I’m sorry for being such a dick to you.” 

Jungkook didn’t say anything to respond to what he was saying, his eyes fixed on some invisible thing on the floor by their feet. But Taehyung didn’t let that stop him and continued on with his apology. “I know that I have no excuse for how I acted, but I was just in a really bad place. You know, I was just so confused about all these sudden feelings and then it was over before I could even do anything about it.” He ranted and saw as Jungkook nodded slowly, showing that he was listening. 

“But I had time to think it over and Y/N helped me realize that it just wasn’t meant to be, and I’m fine now. I really am. I’m just... so sorry for betraying you like that and trying to hurt you like that. I really hope you can forgive me someday.” His voice trailed off into a whisper, eyes glued to his fidgeting fingers that couldn’t keep still in his lap. 

There was a long silence between them before he heard Jungkook sigh and felt the bed move from underneath as he fixed his position so he was sitting right. “As long as you know what you did wrong... and you’re really fine with the fact that me and Y/N are together, and I can trust you around her-” Jungkook’s eyebrows were raised as he said all this and Taehyung instantly nodded along to his words.

“You can trust me completely, I swear. I’ll make it up to you guys and I’ll show you that you can trust me again, I promise.” He responded eagerly, finding the nerve to try and smile at him.

He watched as Jungkook tried to fight a smile, and nod at his words. He laid a hand on his shoulder and stood up and looked back at him with a small smile. “Okay.”

Taehyung knew that it wasn’t completely fine between them, but he was willing and so thankful that he would be given another chance to prove that he could be the friend that he deserved.

2 Years Later

Your eyes widened excitedly and of pleasant surprise when Jungkook suddenly announced the two of you were going to the fair at five in the afternoon on a Saturday. You two made it a habit to go every time it was around, the both of you loving the thrill of roller-coasters and even the overpriced snacks and drinks you were forced to buy if you didn’t want to starve or die of dehydration. 

Swinging your legs off the couch so they were touching the floor, you sprang up and leaned to give him a peck on the cheek, to which he adorably stared at you in shock. It was cute that after years of dating, he still got shy. “Is everyone else coming?” You asked, referring to the rest of the boys.

“Nope, it’s just us.” He shook his head and bit his lip as he smiled down at you adoringly. Pursing your lips in mild surprise, you nodded and rushed to your shared bedroom to get dressed appropriately for the fair. 

It was weird for it to be just the two of you, even if the boys didn’t like the rides much, they always came for the adventure, but you couldn’t help but feel excited that you had Jungkook to yourself tonight. 

At least you wouldn’t have to hear Hoseok’s screams that would no doubt would make your ears ring with how loud they were, you laughed to yourself as you finished pulling your shoes on. 

Grabbing your phone off the charger and grabbing some cash, you stuffed them in your pockets as you exited the bedroom to find Jungkook on his phone, his leg bouncing up and down, which you recognized as his nervous habit. The way he kept biting at his lips and how his brows were furrowed were also big hints. 

“Are you okay?” You asked, sinking down on the couch next to him, leaning closer to see what he was looking at on his phone. He tilted his phone away from you though before you could see, and jumped up as if you had shocked him with impressive speed. 

Laughing nervously, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just excited.” His words were laced with more nervous laughter and you couldn’t help but look at him strangely. Come to think of it, he had been acting strange for the last couple weeks.

He leaned down and grasped your hand in his and pulled you up with a wide smile. Your heart raced at the proximity after all these years and you felt your heart race with affection when you felt his lips on your temple. “Ready?” His voice was soft and warm, eyes trained on your face as you shyly smiled and nodded back. 

The whole ride there, you studied him as slyly as you could.

How he would glance at you more often than he usually did, how he would take his left hand off the steering wheel to continuously pat his left jean pocket every once in a while. You let your mind wander back the last couple of weeks to where he first started acting weird.

Whenever you and the rest of the boys were hanging out at their place, you would find yourself alone on the couch watching some movie while they were all huddled somewhere where you couldn’t hear anything they were saying, very secret-like. 

How he suddenly wanted to know what you thought about your future with him. Not that you two had never talked about it before, but this time around you could tell it wasn’t one of those playful, ‘I see us with ten dogs,’ conversations, but where you saw you guys living one day, how many kids you wanted...

To be honest, you weren’t sure of what kind of future you saw for the two of you, but all you wished for that the two of you were together in the future. That enough would be more than fine with you.

You two had a blast at the fair as usual, riding the rides you usually did, but it was still as fun and thrilling as it was the first time. He held your hand the entire time and you were glad that he was acting more like his usual carefree self.

Taking lots of pictures and feeding each other bits of funnel cake, you couldn’t believe how fast time passed, the sun having already set a while ago, the whole area around you lit up in twinkling lights, you felt the slight ache in your feet start to kick in from waiting in long lines. 

“You want to take a break? The line for the ferris wheel doesn’t look too long,” Jungkook suggested, and you nodded, eager to sit down and relax and be able to see all the pretty lights of the rides and structures below you in the night sky.

He was right, the line wasn’t long and before you knew it you were climbing into the metal contraption with two seats facing each other with a bit of space in between them, and it was like it’s own little room, with large windows to look out of. 

You sat on one side and Jungkook sat on the other side, and you could his eyes on you as you tiredly stretched your ankles and shoulders. “Should we go home after this? You seem pretty tired,” his tone was warm and you opened your eyes to find him staring at you with a small smile.

You smiled back at him, tilting your head to the side and muttered a, “Please and thank you.” You both chuckled at that and you felt yourselves being lifted in the air as you two made your way to the top.

Forgetting about your tiredness temporarily, you eagerly looked out the window in awe as the people continued to get smaller and the lights began to shine even more brightly in contrast to the pitch black sky.

As the two of you got closer to the top, you noticed Jungkook start to get all jittery again, clearing his throat every now and then, wiping his hands on the material of his jeans and you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion as you noticed hand stuffed in the front pocket of his jeans at an angle that could not be comfortable. 

You were about to comment on it when the two of you finally reached the top and you couldn’t help but admire the view. “It’s so pretty,” you whispered in awe, a smile on your face as you turned back to him to see if he was seeing the same view as you were seeing, your heart thundering in your chest once you saw the position he was currently in. 

In the space between the seats, he was down on both knees, in front of you, expression filled more adoration, love and nervousness you had ever seen on his face before as he presented you with a gorgeous ring in between his his forefinger and thumb. “Y/N, I knew you were the only one for me since I first met you back in high school,” he started, his voice shaky with emotion as your own breathing starting coming out a bit louder, your heart thundering in your chest.

“Waiting all those years for you were hell, but for you, I’d happily wait another hundred years. Being with you... being able to see your sweet smile, being able to hold these hands,” sniffling as his voice began to break, he took hold of your hand and gently began rubbing the skin with his thumb lovingly, your own eyes tearing up with the emotion flowing through you. “being able to kiss your lips, holding you at night... I can’t imagine my life without you anymore. You have my heart, my soul, my everything. The only thing that I ask is that you continue to love me as you do now, and stay with me forever. I will cherish you and work hard to make you happy everyday of our lives, I promise to love only you until we die... Y/N, will you make the luckiest man on Earth... and marry me?” Clearing his throat as it became too much, tears running down his cheeks that matched yours, he looked deep in your eyes as he waited for your response.

Sucking in a shaky inhale as you tried to hold in a sob, your love for him too much for you to handle, you wanted to laugh at how nervous he looked.

How could you possibly say no?

A laugh bubbling out from your mouth, you blinked the remaining tears from your eyes and you nodded eagerly, happiness filling your entire being as you got out a thousand times: “Yes.”

A strangled sound of relief escaped him as he hurried to put the slide the ring on your finger, before leaping up and attaching his lips to yours in a slow but passionate kiss. His hands came up to your temples and slid his fingers through your hair, tilting your head to the side to get a better angle, paying no mind to how sweaty the both of you were from all day being outside, welcoming the heat he was radiating. 

You thought you heard him mumble, “Thank you,” multiple times into your mouth before pulling back to look at you with that bunny smile that you loved so much. Plopping himself down by you, he grasped your left hand in his and the two of you admired the ring on your finger. 

You never had liked your fingers. 

You always thought your hands were too small, and your fingers too short and chubby.

But with how your hand looked in his, you were in awe.

The two of you laughing giddily, you let your head rest on his shoulders and him in turn leaning his head on yours, your cheeks started to hurt with how much you were smiling. 

Wait til you told the boys.

IT”S FINALLY OVER GUYS SO SO SORRY ABOUT THE ETERNITY WAIT BUT I TRIED MY BEST TO MAKE IT ROMANTIC but i kinda don’t like the ending but oh well. hope u all enjoy and thnk you to all who read Timing, much love!!!

[minihappybaker-blog]

A Short Story- Ice cream

The below story is fictional. The people in the story aren't real but it was very much inspired by my experience of life during my university years. If you can relate to any of this let me know.

I wake slowly from an uncomfortable, dehydrated sleep. Eyes slightly glued together with last night’s make up and yesterday’s contact lenses unremoved. Bladder full, I need to empty it. I try to lift my head but a sharp stab of fiery pain slices between my eyes and I crumple back onto my pillow, drained from the effort.

 I blink and my dry eyes attempt to focus. I see that I brought a glass of water to bed with me (thank God I remembered this time) and reach for it cautiously with a shaking hand. I lift myself up again, slowly this time so as not to disturb the dragon in my head again and gulp back as much as I can. My stomach churns in protest. I lie still, hoping I can go back to sleep but the dragon is awake again and the my head pounds. I need 2 paracetamol. I scan the bedside table but they aren’t there, my heart sinks and I curse my own poor planning. I haven’t made things easy for myself.

I sit up, ignoring the blinding pain in my head. My mouth tastes familiarly sour and metallic. It tastes like the pain in my head. I grab the empty glass and somehow manage to coordinate my limbs to move to the bathroom. I’m wearing a t-shirt and last night’s knickers. I don’t have the energy to put on some pants or shorts, I just hope none of my housemates boyfriends are around, they’d be horrified if they saw me like this.

Safe in the bathroom I slump onto the toilet seat. The dragon momentarily stops breathing fire across my brain as I relive myself. The reprieve doesn’t last long. I rummage around in the bathroom cabinet and find the paracetamol. There are 3 left. I take them all, glugged down with more lukewarm tap water. 2 will never be enough today.

As soon as I have swallowed them, a wave of panic jolts through me like an electric shock. A hazy memory of taking some painkillers at some point tries to surface but I can’t remember when I took them. Was it before I went to bed last night? If so has it been more than 4 hours since the last dose? Did I take more than the recommended dose then as well? Can you even take them with alcohol? I’m not sure but my dehydrated brain whizzes through the worst case scenarios. I could accidentally overdose. My phone has no battery and I don’t know where I left my charger so I won’t be able to call for help. At what point would I call for help anyway? How would I know if something is wrong when I feel so horrendous anyway? I could see if my housemates are in and ask them to call an ambulance just in case, but then I’d just be having another one of my episodes, another overreaction, more drama from Clare again. This is the type of thing that happens to me. It will become a story they tell on nights out, “Remember when Clare woke us up at 7am to call an ambulance because she thought she’s taken an overdose of paracetamol but she actually just had a hangover?” They will laugh. I’ll laugh too but a part of me will feel like a fool. A part of them will think, “For fuck sake Clare!”.

My heartrate slows slightly, I tell myself I’m fine. I tell myself I won’t die from taking 1 extra paracetamol. If I start feeling worse I will call my housemates. I breathe deeply trying to get a full breath. My skin crawls and my head pounds again. I skulk down to the kitchen to make toast. The thought of warm carbs sitting in my stomach and then going back to bed to wait for the painkillers to work immediately soothes me. My mouth waters in anticipation despite my still churning stomach. I make 2 slices and eat a 3rd slice of bread with margarine while I’m waiting. The bread is slightly stale and I don’t enjoy it but it distracts me from my headache and my worries about the paracetamol.

Back in bed, the tension in my head starts to thaw. The metallic taste in my mouth is still there and the nausea is worse despite the toast. I look at the clock by my bed, 6.54am. I’m wide awake. My mind starts to race back to last night. A blur. Pub- wine and shots, club- wine then vodka, party back at my house, more wine, more vodka. Little white pills and bags of white powder. Money spent- I have no idea but it must have been over 200, a lot on my student budget. Deeper into my overdraught. I need to not think about that.

 My head still throbs but it’s a duller now, the embers of the dragon’s fire instead of the blast itself. I try to piece things together. I’d felt uncomfortable at first. My size 10 dress felt too tight, my cheeks too chubby, eyes too small for my face. My calves and ankles packed into my tights and 6 inch heels gave the illusion of slimmer legs but my thighs rubbed together at the top reminding me I need to try harder, be smaller, suck everything in, don’t eat anything.

 My anxiety increases, I can’t relax. I remember walking into the pub trying to look confident. Strutting my stuff in those heels, flicking my long hair over my shoulder and searching the room for cute guys. Trying to make eye contact, nothing. They seemed to be looking but not at me. Not surprising as my friend Liani was in front of me. They all saw her first, smiled, tried to catch her eye. Took in her long legs and tiny waste. Her simple tunic dress hanging loosely over her slim breasts and hips somehow seemed to enhance the ease with which she carried herself. She didn’t need to suck anything in, worry about tummy roles or rubbing thighs. She ate crisps and drank beer without worrying about weight watchers points. When guys came over to sit with us she thought about which one was cuter while I hoped that one of them would think I was OK. They would never chose me first, I was always the consolation prize. I drank.

As the night had gone on my confidence grew. The booze does that, the coke allows me to carry on drinking for longer. For a while I was carefree, attractive, not skinny but not taking up too much space either. I was funny, confident, sexy. We went to the bathroom, another pill, another line. I looked in the mirror as I stood next to Liani. I was still shorter and wider but the gulf that separated our looks had closed a bit. I felt lighter inside and out. We danced. All night, me still trying to catch someone’s eye and Liani trying to fend them off. The rest is fuzzy. The club was sweaty and hot. Liani was kissing a gorgeous guy on the dancefloor, the guy I’d been talking to looked disappointed. “Damn I was hoping to get your friends number, she’s gorgeous, but I guess she prefers him,”. My face had burned but it was dark so he’d never have known. He’d never have realised I had thought he was going to ask for my number. I went to the bar and bought a round of drinks.

My face burns again with shame as I remember. My legs twitch. I breathe deeply again trying to get enough air into my lungs. My head swims. I can feel every inch of my stomach and thighs and try to imagine if they were smaller, how much easier would life be. I look at the clock again, 7.15. I want to eat again. I’m not hungry but I want something nice, something to distract me. I want to be able to sleep and a full tummy will help me but I can’t use up any more calories yet. Eventually I must have fallen asleep again but I don’t rest. Yes that is possible to sleep without resting at all. I seem to do it a lot. When I come round again the clock says it’s 10.19 but my body is rigid, my neck stiff. I’m still trying to get enough air into my lungs.

 I decide enough time has passed since the toast so I can allow myself to eat again. I have already had 385 calories from the toast and margarine. I don’t need to look at the back of the packets to know this. I’ve programmed myself to calculate calories automatically. People who don’t diet are amazed I can remember. I get dressed, brush my teeth and remove last night’s make up and contact lenses. I don’t shower. I don’t want to undress and have to see my body, feel the curves that are too big as I wash and see myself in the large bathroom mirror when I’m drying myself. My baggy tracksuit bottoms and hoody make me feel small by comparison.

 On the way down to the kitchen I call out to my housemates. No one answers, they must all be at lectures. I should have been to  two already today. I could make the third if I hurried up but then I’d have to have a shower, face my oversized body and try to find something to wear that looks reasonably OK on me. Easier said than done. Then I’d have to sit in my lecture while I try to breath normally and my stomach churns and I worry that people can hear it and I worry that I’m going to faint and that I might lose control of my body completely but I can’t leave because there’s no excuse to just walk out of the lecture and everyone will see me and know there’s something wrong with me because I can’t sit in class for an hour without having to dash for air. I wouldn’t take in much of the lecture anyway, I can never concentrate when I’m in this frame of mind, which is almost all the time.

 Just thinking about being trapped in a lecture theatre makes my head start to thud again, the dragon stirring, I need to eat.

  I make myself toasties with low fat cheese and ham. I use 4 slices of bread. 900 calories. After this I’ll only have 215 left for the rest of the day but that’s fine. I’ll sleep most of the day and then just have a cuppa-soup and another piece of toast in the evening. I east the toasties in front of the TV with a cup of milky sweet tea. I don’t count the calories in the milk and sugar. As I’m eating I feel calmer, my breathing slows. I stop worrying about missing my lectures and taking too many paracetamol and taking too many drugs and spending too much money and messing up my diet again and looking desperate and fat last night next to my slim and confident friend. I savour the delicious melted cheese and the crispy toasted bread and sip my tea and I focus on the smell, taste and textures and the feeling of swallowing the food and the warmth as it hits my stomach.

 As I get towards the end of the last toasty my anxiety starts to return. I don’t want this to be over. What will I do next? What if I can’t sleep straight away? I’m going to crave something sweet. My brain anticipates the craving before I even start craving it. I’ve been here so many times before.

 I return to the kitchen, I no longer feel small in my large hoody, I can feel the bread in my stomach and I think of the dress that was already too tight last night. I search my cupboard for something sweet. I don’t usually buy sweet treats because I can’t seem to stop at one. When I do buy them they rarely last longer than a day. The only sweet thing I have is a box of weightwatchers cereal bars. 88 calories. It says it on the box this time, not that my built in calorie counter didn’t already know. There are two left in the box. I take one back to the living room. I wanted to make another cup of tea to have with it but the thought of waiting for the kettle to boil before I can eat it feels impossible. I try to nibble the bar slowly but when I’m halfway down it I start to eat faster. I’ve already decided I’m going back for the other bar. It’s OK I reason with myself. I won’t need anything else all day after this and I can still have a cuppa-soup (55 cals) this evening and still be (almost) within my calories. It’s still not even 11am.

 Second bar demolished, I then decide I might as well eat the rest of my calories for the day (39) now and really enjoy them. The day stretches out in front of me with nothing to break it up. No meals, no snacks to punctuate the hangover and comedown. I might as well just enjoy this now that I’ve started. I just need one more mouthful of something sweet and then I’ll feel satisfied and be able to sleep for a bit. After a search of the kitchen (my housemates cupboards as well as mine), I find a tub of Ben and Jerrys in the freezer. It’s not mine, it must be my Sarah or Lucy’s. “Please be open already” I hope inwardly. Jackpot, it is open and about a 5th of the tub has been eaten. This means I can easily sneak a couple of spoonfuls and no-one will notice. I check the door and call out again. No reply, the coast is clear. I spoon a thin layer of ice cream out of the tub and into a bowl. There is more than my 39 calories there but not much more. If I end up only going over by 100 calories for the day then it’s still OK. I can easily make that up tomorrow by having less then, and besides I must have burnt a lot of calories dancing last night.

 I eat it in the kitchen standing over the sink so I can easily hide the evidence if anyone should come back. It’s delicious. The sweet, cold creaminess transports me to a world where there is nothing else but me and my taste buds. It’s heaven. I’m no longer just distracted from my worries, they are no longer significant. I know before I finish my serving I’m going back for more.

 I take the tub up to my bedroom. I’ll replace the whole tub later today. As soon as I’m feeling better I’ll run to the shop and buy a new one, I’m sure they’ll have that flavour. They did the other day I think. I don’t plan to eat the whole tub. I know I can’t put it back in the freezer when too much is gone because they’ll know I ate some (There won’t be any doubt as to who it was, I’ve done this before although I always replace things). I think I’ll just eat down to the halfway mark and then throw the rest in the bin. I’ll have gone well over my calories for today but I can make up for that tomorrow.

 At some point, I’m not sure exactly when, I lose any semblance of control I may have had. As soon as the rush of the first few mouthfuls wears off, each mouthful is accompanied by a bitter layer of guilt. I start to feel guilty about eating something that wasn’t mine, about missing my lectures, about being behind in nearly all of my classes, about ruining my diet, about doing drugs last night and shame about throwing myself at boys who prefer my friend. I try to put the tub down but the ice cream is making the guilt palatable, for all I hate myself for not stopping, to stop eating is worse.

 By the time I finish the tub, the guilt is joined by disgust. I feel physically sick and even more dehydrated. I count the calories. I’ve eaten 2261 before 11.30am. 1876 calories within the space of just over an hour.  I gulp back some water in an attempt to get rid of the sickly taste in my mouth. The ice cream that tasted like heaven before now tastes curdled and sour on my tongue. My teeth feel as though they are coated in a thick film of sugar. How could I do this? If I could just stop doing this I’d be thin like Liani and I’d be happy. Life must be so easy when you’re thin. What is so wrong with me? Why am I so greedy that I can’t stop eating even when I feel sick? If anyone could see me now they’d be disgusted too.

 Making a snap decision I run to the bathroom and stick my fingers down my throat as far as I can. Nothing happens. I try to purge myself of the ice cream for the next 20 minutes. My throat is sore from ramming my fingers down to my tonsils and retching but I’m unable to get my stomach to return any of its contents. My entire body feels hard and round and crammed full. At last I admit defeat and return to my bedroom, tears of frustration running down my face. I can’t even do this properly! I’m fiercely jealous in this moment of people with bulimia. At least they are thin and people have sympathy for them. I’m just fat and greedy and have no self-control. No one would have any sympathy for a disgusting fat pig like me. It’s no wonder boys don’t look at me when we go out, I don’t deserve their attention. I lie in my bed, too hot in my hoody but unwilling to take it off because I need to feel covered. I need to be separated from the disgusting sight of my own body. And as I try to understand what just happened,  after all this, still there is a little voice inside my head that tells me I could make all this go away, at least for a little while, if I eat something else. I know that while I’m actually eating I won’t be thinking and right now thinking is so painful I’ll do anything to stop.

 So my day progresses in this way, sleeping but not really resting, worrying, eating and hating myself for eating. At some point I must have dozed off because I hear my housemates downstairs in the kitchen. I pray they don’t decide to have ice cream or any of the other goodies I’ve stolen today. I pray I didn’t leave any evidence of my binge for them to find. At 7pm at night I’m exhausted, disgusted, guilt ridden and ashamed. My built in calorie counter, no longer as precise as earlier on in the day, has logged over 4000 calories. I finally find a phone charger and plug my phone in. When it’s turned on I have two missed calls and four messages. My heart leaps, maybe the guy from last night did take my number after all? But the missed calls are from the Uni, one message is a voicemail telling me to call the faculty office as soon as possible regarding my attendance. My chest tightens and my stomach turns upside down with dread and excess lactose but my brain and body are too exhausted to provide any other response. The messages are all from Liani telling me the guy she kissed last night called her this morning and took her out to the beach for the day. She sends a picture of the 2 of them eating ice cream together and laughing, her tiny shorts showing off tanned legs.

 I cry into my pillow until I fall into a deep sleep. As I’m drifting off I promise myself that tomorrow I’ll start again.