#6 week old kitten trying to take care of a few 2 week old kittens as best as he could……..yeah……….
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gavroche taking care of his baby brothers……
#idk why my mind immediately went there when i read this#6 week old kitten trying to take care of a few 2 week old kittens as best as he could……..yeah……….#sorry for this#avril speaks#gavroche
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The other day, I was scrolling through Tik Tok when I came across a video talking about a 6 week old kitten who was found trying to take care of a few other kittens who were 2 weeks. They were screenshots, and one of them had a quote saying, "Imagine you're small and cold and scared, but there's smaller ones that are smaller colder and more scared."
I haven't been okay since because it sounds like Yue Qi and Shen Jiu. Their only three years apart, so all I can imagine is a toddler taking care of an infant.
All I can imagine is Qi-ge, who is nothing more than three or four. His an orphan slave and his hungry and cold and scared. When he suddenly finds a baby. His smaller and crying and just like him. Hungry and cold and scared while not knowing why. Then, next thing he knows, his picking him up and trying to comfort the little infant. As Qi-ge holds this little boy who is younger and even more helpless than himself, he decides to care for him.
He is just three-year-old Qi-Ge who decides to take responsibility for an infant Xiao Jiu.
#idea dump#ramblings of a sleep deprived girl#mxtx svsss#svsss#shen jiu#scum villian self saving system#yue qingyuan#they were just children#a baby taking care of another baby#I don't think it's talked about enough how YQY RAISED SJ#they are only three to four years a part#it's not fucking fair#YQY was only a little baby himself when he picked up baby SJ#as well as a slave#the most fucked up thing is YQY essentially put SJ into slavery and the fact it was the best option available#it has me rolling on the ground crying screaming and throwing up#the fact that both of their lives were just one continuous tragedy after another#and that neither got a happy ending in either universe#BOTH were doomed by the narrative not only SJ#excuse while I cry myself to sleep while listening to I bet on losing dogs by mitski
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[ID. Image 1. Tweet by haley (@ feederofcats). yesterday I saw an article about a tiny black 6 week old kitten who was found in a box with a few 2 week old kittens and he was "trying to take care of them as best as he could" and my mental state has been very unstable since
Reply tweet by weegee (bidet user) (cut off @). [in all caps] "I'm gonna die". Attached is a screenshot from the article. The six week old kitten sits on a towel. The photo is captioned "Binx, now relived of his babysitting duties. KC Pet Project"
Image 2. Binx and three younger kittens in a cardboard box. The box has a towel covering the bottom. Binx sits and looks and the camera. The three black kittens are laying down or crawling. End ID.]
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Mama Merrow and her Kittens and Fiona.
A long post and lots of love to the greatest mama, Merrow, who deserved so much more.
a little over two and a half months ago, I found two very sweet, very pregnant cats that were dumped (at a very popular, and very terrible dumping location)
both of the mothers were very young, had to be their first litter, and very confused at first.
the first to give birth, Merrow, had 5 kittens, she was in labor for 11 hours. despite both me and her trying around the clock care, her youngest did not survive.
not many mother cats will let you cry into the fur of her week old kittens, but Merrow did.
After giving birth it was clear how neglected she had been before being dumped, whilst popping out kittens takes a lot out of a gal, she was so thin it was appalling. And when I first got her I noticed two of her nipples had been infected, filled with puss and painful, which I expressed and cleaned, but still left them unable to lactate later. Which hadn't been an issue, with only four kittens, four nipples.
Merrow was what they mean by 'motherly instincts' she didn't know what was happening to her, and it took a few days but she loved her babies and protected them fiercely.
Fiona, the second mother, who gave birth 2 weeks later, showed how true that 'motherly instincts' are not universal, which in the end is very interesting to see both sides simultaneously, but is terrifying to be faced with.
Fiona had no clue what she was doing, and did not 'learn' to, she did not know how to clean her kittens, or nudge them to nurse, she was happy they were out, but she was ready to move on. her body also didn't seem thrilled with the kittens, with only one and a barely second, lactating nipples.
after a few days of more round the clock attempts of holding Fiona still and latching her kittens on one by one myself, it was clear they wouldn't been warm or safe with her and I tried giving them to Merrow.
Her kittens were already going on three weeks at this point, much bigger, as Fiona's two surviving kittens were smaller than Merrow's runt was at birth, and she was able to take a breather without that giving around the clock care, and I give her two crying, pipsqueak kittens.
And she accepted them. It took work of me latching them onto her, with much plumper nipples than Fiona in the mouths of overly small kittens, and having to be fed separately since her kittens would shove them away.
Of both kittens that died, one of her own, one of Fiona's, she tried her best to care for them, letting me latch them onto her every two hours and keeping them safe. Then caring for six others, from feeding them to teaching them to eat and drink and use the litter box.
As they got older and she could leave them be for a few hours at a time, I started bringing them in my room for the day to help ween them.
The two mothers were being kept in a room separate from my other cats, when I went in the other day Merrow was on Fiona's chosen side of the room, laying on her side and looked like she was dead. She looked up when I came over, not moving as I touched her, and even Fiona, who really didn't like her either, ran back over and was rubbing on Merrow, laying her full body on her and trying to comfort her.
I moved Merrow into my room for peace away from Fiona, who is very energetic. Merrow crawled under my bed and only came out each time she needed to pee. I had water, kitten kibble she liked, and canned food tucked under for her.
Her kittens, 8 and 6 weeks old, whirlwinds having fun in my room, disappeared in pairs of two. for a few hours at a time, two kittens would go down to be by Merrow.
A day and a half of this, in the middle of the night, all the kittens were sleeping around her, and she came out to pee and her kittens had rushed out to follow her. I thought I would try giving her kibble again, and before I could hand her the dish she had spewed nearly black bile, a whole stomach of it onto the floor.
I had to separate her, I felt so horrible sticking her alone away from all the cats and kittens but made her as comfortable as possible, and by morning she was gone.
Until that morning I found her laying still I thought she was healthy, she was gaining weight, she was a mild but lively and gentle lady. I wanted to get her fixed and get her a home where she would be loved, I was going to try and find someone to take her and her eldest kitten, the world's biggest mama's boy together.
She lasted just long enough for her kittens to no longer 'need' her. They were just fully weened three days prior.
They look for her, they run to the door any time someone goes near where they used to be kept with Merrow, each night they sleep under my bed exactly where she was laying, I brought in their old blankets from her nest and they sleep in piles, which they haven't done in weeks.
I love you Merrow, you were the best of the best, you took care of all your kittens, you’re the reason they’re all here, and I'll make sure they get good homes too.
Fiona, despite not having wanted anything to do with the kittens, her own or Merrows all this time, has tried to "step up", she still has no clue what she is doing but will frantically cry trying to round them up and keep them together, attacking any cat she sees to get them away, growling at me for coming close, and trying to make Merrow's nurse on her, the kittens, in their own confusion have been doing so, which I also can't allow since I've found someone to take Fiona next week.
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May I Have This Dance? ¬ Steve Rogers
Plot - After retiring his shield, Steve's partner realises that he seems to be missing something.
Requested? Yes/No
Genre - ☁️️Fluff ☁️️
Note/Warning - Steve didn't return to Peggy after Endgame (I refuse to accept that ending honestly), I think this is GN but please let me know if I have used fem!pronouns, also the reader wears a dress in this so if you are uncomfortable with that be aware.
Word Count - 1.7k
After your husband Steve retired from the superhero living, life seemed dull in his eyes. You could see that his once vibrant baby blues had lost their sparkle, their joy for life.
Whilst him having more time meant that your relationship thrived, Steve was missing something and you were missing him being truly happy.
It was Sunday and a rule of the Rogers relationship is that Sunday was an "Old School Day".
No technology, no going to the city and no current news or media of any kind.
It took a while to get use to but you soon learned to love it because it meant that you had the whole day with your soulmate, no distractions. But today was different, there was one thing that had taken up your entire focus all day.
A few days prior, you were in line at the supermarket when you spotted a flyer.
DANCE YOURSELF BACK TO THE 40s!
Have you ever wondered what a 40s dance was like?
Well if the answer is yes, get yourself down to the Michaelton Hall this Sunday at 7:30pm
The cashier was a motherly looking woman in her late 60s named Dorothy, her family had owned the supermarket here since the 1920s and being a cashier here was her first job. Twice a week she would come down and "relive her youth" as her husband always jokes.
"I thought that might catch your eye" Dorothy spoke after watching you inspect the flyer. "The old music, the clothes and just that feeling of a simpler time. I'm hoping to convince William to take me but getting him to dress up like a princess is more likely than getting him to dance."
You laugh at the woman's joke but mainly at the idea of William in a frilly dress. William and Dorothy had been married for 52 years but the only time William ever danced with her was on their wedding night, a story that you thought was sad but Dora took it in her stride.
"Well I am thinking that this might be a good way to get Steve out of his funk, even for only a night" You say with a wistful look on your face whilst piling fruit into your shopping bag.
"What a wonderful idea my dear!" Dorothy exclaimed whilst scanning the final item "There is a quaint little vintage store about half a mile out of town, I am sure you'd find a dress to knock Steve's socks off"
Smiling at the woman, you hand her some cash before taking one last look at the flyer "You are like a fairy godmother Dora. Have a lovely day and hopefully see you at the dance".
By the next morning, you were keen to start prepping for the Sunday surprise. Giving your husband a kiss goodbye, you headed off to 'run some errands'.
First stop was buying the tickets, then that left you with finding the perfect 40s dress.
You headed out of town to the vintage store Dorothy mentioned but you were not prepared for how beautiful the shop was. Flowers in corners all over the place, fairy-lights decorated the clothing racks and old pieces of sparkling jewellery was displayed throughout the store.
You could have spent hours in there, it felt like a visual time machine but it seemed luck was on your side. As you strolled further into the store, you noticed a stunning pastel floor-length satin dress with light embellishments near the sleeves. That was exactly what you needed.
Everything was ready. Tickets were bought, dress was found and Steve's old military suit was ready to be worn. All you had to do now was keep it from your husband till Sunday.
Making it to Sunday evening was difficult, you had nearly exposed the plans twice but thankfully Steve believed the excuses you came up with. But now it was time to get ready.
"My love, guess what I found the other day in the attic" You call out to your super-solider husband. "Your old army uniform. Perfect condition as well".
Handing the outfit to Steve, you see his eyes light up with the memories of his time back in the 1940s. Although he looked only slightly older than he did the last time he wore it, it was like looking back in time.
"Wow, I didn't think I would ever see this again." He spoke caressing the material.
"Steve, do you think you could maybe try it on again? I would love to have a glimpse of what use to be the fashion" You asked carefully, trying to make sure he didn't suspect anything else.
A small smile graced his face. "Of course, I probably would have wanted to try it on either way" And with a laugh, he headed upstairs to suit up.
Whilst the super-solider was getting ready, you slipped into your dress and quickly slipped on an oversized shirt which made it look like you were wearing a long skirt and t-shirt. Applying a bit of makeup before double checking that your purse was ready with the tickets, car keys and some other essentials.
Hearing footsteps descend your staircase, you turn around to a fully suited and confident looking Steve Rogers. This man has managed to make you fall more in love every day for the past 6 years but in this moment, he took your breath away.
"You look so handsome. How did I ever get lucky enough to call you my husband?" You express as you reach up to lay the corner of his collar down. Even though you compliment your husband all the time, Steve still flushes a bit red at the sweet words.
Leaning in to give him a small kiss, you suddenly remember that you are on a time constraint. You pull back with a mischievous grin dancing on your face.
"Oh no, I know that face. What have you done?" Steve asks with a little chuckle. Instead of responding, you grab his hand and head out to the car. After instructing him to get into the passenger seat, you settle yourself in the driver's seat and start the car whilst Steve sits beside you watching like he was trying to solve a puzzle - the puzzle being you.
"I have a surprise for you but I am going to need you to put this blindfold on whilst I drive us there" With a grin on your face and your hand offering a silk blue blindfold to your incredibly confused but handsome husband.
Cautiously Steve reaches for the blindfold and puts it on, he would trust you with his life so why not trust you with a small surprise.
After driving for 15 minutes or so, Steve feels the car stop and turn off.
"Wait one second" You say before he hears you open your door.
Bubbling with excitement you quickly discard of your t-shirt, place some kitten heels on and apply a sultry shade of red on your lips before throwing anything you don't need in the trunk.
Walking over to Steve's side of the car, you calm your nerves slightly with a deep breathe. Opening the passenger door, you take a hold of Steve's hand and carefully guide him towards the entrance of the hall.
Sounds of Moonlight Serenade songs fill his ears as he enters, still completely oblivious to his partner's scheme. He notices that it is far warmer in this area and that he can smell a mix of perfume and whiskey.
"Okay baby, when I count to 3, you can take off your blindfold" You finally say.
"1"
"2"
"3"
As Steve removes the silk blocking his vision and is immediately hit with a feeling of nostalgia. The hall looked like something out of his memories; men and women dressed in 40s fashion dancing the night away, a small band playing all the most popular songs from the decade he yearned for, men who reminded him of Bucky trying to pick up girls at the bar.
Steve thought that he was blown away until he saw his Y/N. The person who made life worth living, who made everything seem light again. There they stood, looking like they had just walked off the silver screen from an old movie. Steve never really believed that he could live such a happy life but somewhere along the way, he must have done something right because now he is married to an angel.
Walking up to you, he placed his hands on your waist and looked deep into your eyes. Drowning in Steve's ocean blue eyes was a favourite past-time of yours but this felt more than that.
"I noticed you have been a bit down since you gave up the shield and I couldn't see you frown anymore." You whisper quietly as if you were nervous that this plan wouldn't work.
"I know I say it constantly but I love you, Y/N Rogers. Your kindness, your care, your effortless beauty, you." Steve recited, filling every word with pure love and appreciation. "Sometimes I think that I am no one if I am not Captain America or I don't belong in this world but you. You, Y/N, you made me realise that you are my home, not the past. You are the only one I need in this life-time or any other life-time because you taught me who I am beyond the shield."
Tears start to well up in your eyes as you hang off his every word.
"This dance is amazing but what makes me happy is that I get to spend tonight and every night with my soulmate" Steve takes a step back and extends his hand. "So, may I have this dance my darling?"
Reaching for his hand, you make your way onto the dance floor amongst the other couples. As the song dies down, Stella by Frank Sinatra starts filling the hall with a romantic atmosphere and you feel Steve place his hand on your hip before placing another in your hand. This was truly a night to remember.
As you sway with your husband, you let your eyes wander to the other dancing couples and near the centre of the dance floor, you spot Dorothy and William smiling and swaying like teenagers again.
All you can do is hope that you and Steve will be dancing together when you are old and grey.
#steve rogers#steve rogers x reader#steve rogers imagine#steve rogers x you#captain america#captain america x you#captain america x reader#steve rogers fluff#captain america imagine#steve rogers fic#captain america fic#marvel imagine#steve rogers oneshot#captain america oneshot
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Vicky
Chapter 19 - Always the Bridesmaid.
A/N: This chapter has 2 star guest appearances from 2 beauty's @secretaryunpaid and @ridgy--didge 😘😘 Again I’m going to try and start editing and publishing 2 chapters a week as I have 5 drafts in ATB and 3 drafts in Addicted to You (Series 2 of ATB) obviously if you wish to stop reading after series 1 I completely understand just let me know if you like to be untagged. Now offence taken. I hope you like it.
Read previous chapters HERE!
Warnings: Fluff, Little Angst, Mention of drug abuse & Violence.
Song: Raye - Love of you life.
Word Count: 2303
Pairings: Laila x Harry
Enjoy!
As soon as she read the words she knew who had done this "The flat is all clear" Harry says as Laila just stares at the words on the wall "It was Vicky" she says without looking away. "Are you sure?" he questions her, Laila nods "She's done something like this before when I've given Zeppy advice to stay away from her while she's using in the past. So, she completely smashed up my car"
18 Years ago.
"Nate, you know everyone says she's a druggy right?" this wasn't the reaction he wanted when he told his family about Vic "Laila, she is done with all that!" he hisses at her "Whatever...it's your life!" she gets up off the sofa and heads back to her bedroom. Nate was only 16 and Vic was 2 years older, Terry and Liz didn't care about the age gap as they were the same age when they got together, but it was more the rumours they had heard about her half the time she's high and the other half she's trying to get money to score.
As much as they didn't like her, Terry and Liz knew if they expressed their concerns, this will just push him away and towards her. All they could do is be there for him, they didn't have to worry. 4 months into the relationship the day before Laila's 14 birthday, Vicky just disappeared for two years when she finally turned up she told him about Zeppy. Hoping that he would stump up maintenance for her, but a trainee mechanic didn't make that much. Nate had learned not to give her money for anything, so if Zeppy needed something he would go out and buy it for her himself.
When she reached 12 years old, Vicky relapsed again, Nate had lost count of how many times she had gone back to the gear. Vicky had ended up in hospital again, Nate was working so he had asked Laila to take her to see Vic. When they arrived Vicky was asleep, although she was only 4 years older than Laila, looked twice her age. Zeppy was in tears "Hey, she'll be OK! She always is!" Laila tried to comfort her.
Hearing Zeppy's voice she stirred but kept her eyes shut "Aunt Laila, sometimes I wish she wasn't! I wish she wasn't OK.....I can't keep going through this!" Zeppy sobbed "I get that...I do! Sometimes, you can only take so much before you start to wonder if you would be better off without them or keep putting yourself through it"
This angered Vicky.
3 Days later.
She discharged herself from hospital and caught the tube to Laila's work. She saw her car parked up, she took off her heeled boots and smashed every window, pulling out her house key she scraped it across the shiny black paint work before smashing in her headlights. With the alarm going off Laila and Daniel rushed outside, but the damaged had been done.
Vicky got 6 months in prison for criminal damage.
Nate felt so much guilt that he decided he would worked on her car until it looked like new but Terry and Grandad Carelli couldn't let him do it alone, so they got involved too.
That was Vicky's first attack on Laila...
Present day.
Harry didn't want her staying at the flat just in case, Vicky came back no matter how much Laila protested "Harry, I'll be fine here! I can handle Vicky" he's packing a bag for her "I don't care...Laila, you aren't staying here" although she wasn't scared of Vic, she found Harry's protective side quite a turn on.
The next day.
Harry is in the shower, while Laila is cooking them breakfast "Alexa play Harry's playlist" she calls out. Raye - Love of Your Life starts playing, Laila starts swaying her hips and sings along.
"Oh, I could make you confused
I could give you something to lose
I'ma wake you up in the morning
In the bathroom singing the blues
No, I won't clean up your plates (Your plates)
Got my hair all in your face (Your face)
And my legs wrapped 'round your waist (Your waist)
No, I could never give you any space but I
I could be the love, be the love
Be the love, be the love of your life
I could be the love, be the love
Be the love, be the love of your life
I could be the light, be the light
Be the light when it's dark in the night
Oh God, I could be the love, be the love
Be the love, be the love of your life"
Harry stops in the doorway admiring the view, she hadn't noticed him and continues singing. He watches her hip roll and booty pop. He's almost convinced she knows he's there, so she's moving like this to get a reaction out of him. Which by how tight his boxers have gone she had gotten one.
"Put your, put your ego down when you need to
Yes, I get stressed out if I can't read you
Bad London girl raised in the south
I run my mouth, I say shit that I really didn't meant to say
Got my hair all in your face (Your face)
And my legs wrapped 'round your waist (Your waist)
No, I could ne......."
She cuts herself off when he startles her by wrapping his arms around her from behind "Why does that song seem like it was made for you?" He asks before placing a soft kiss against her neck "Maybe because my legs are normally wrapped around ya waist?" she laughs, "That or the love of you life bit" he nips her ear.
He kisses her neck again "Harry, I'm trying to cook breakfast," he leans forward moving the pan off the heated ring "I'm hungry for....!" he spins her round to face him before lifting her and placing her on the kitchen counter. His lips crash to hers, his hands slip under his t-shirt she's wearing, grasping the waistband of her underwear and pulling them down until their a puddle on the floor.
The pads of his fingers parts her folds, the kiss became more intense, she moans against his lips. She's ready for him, she pushes down his boxers springing him free, she lines him up against her apex. With one swift movement, he thrusts into her, he groans as he grips her arse pulling her forward. She grips his shoulders, his thumb brushes over her nipple making her moan.
A few hours later.
"....I found her washing the kittens in the toilet" Mrs. Hoges tells Laila stories of her 6 year old granddaughter in her southern American accent while she's cutting her hair "No!! How old were they?"
"5 maybe 6 weeks...I shouldn't laugh but it was quite funny"
As she finishes up, she hears her phone buzz.
She loves her friends, but they worry too much, Laila believes if Vicky wanted to hurt her she would.
15 Minutes later...
Laila calls in her next client Miss. Ferguson in "Hey! How are you?" she greets her "G'day, I'm great thanks, you?" She says in her rich Australian accent, Laila nods "So what are we doing today?" Laila throws the gown over her "I'm thinking chocolate brown highlights" Laila nods tearing the foil strips.
At the corner of her eye, she notices someone lean against the wall to her right, she glances over and rolls her eyes as she makes her way over "Harry, what are you doing here?"
"Don't worry Daniel said it was fine.... considering" he seems worried "As much I love you worrying over me...I will be fine" she can see he has no plans on leaving her anytime soon "But seems you aren't going anywhere make yourself useful and pass me those foils when I ask" they make their way back over to Miss. Ferguson.
Once her foils are done, Laila gets Harry to take her to the sinks and wash her hair "I..don't know how to wash women's hair," he whispers to Laila, who laughs "Dude! Come on, it's not that difficult! You know how to wash your hair just wash it how you would yours but we give them a head massage when you do the conditioner" she winks leaving him to it.
At the end of her shift, "Did you have fun being my trainee?" he looks over to her, she had made him do 5 washes, made endless amount of teas and coffees and sweep up hair "I have no idea how you do this everyday my hands are pruned" she laughs, "Aww, those delicate hands can't handle a little water?" she jokes as she grabs her stuff to leave. She checks her phone and saw Nate had text her.
Although Laila wasn't scared of Vicky, she was relieved that she had been caught "Vicky's in custody" she turns towards Harry, who let's out a sigh of relief "Thank...fuck!" He wraps her up in his arms "Let hope she's not released anytime soon" she smiles up at him. She sends a quick reply back.
"So, that means I lose my hunky trainee?" She winks at him, he chuckles "Would it be inappropriate to take my boss out to dinner?" She smirks "Well, now your shift has finished you're no longer my trainee! I'm guessing it's acceptable!"
They leave the salon and find a restaurant that can seat them. Once they are shown their table, they're looking through the menu she looks up at Harry then she spots him...Fuck!!!! She thought as she moved the menu to cover her face.
"Laila?" She hears Harry say "Yes?" She asked not lowering her menu, "Who are you hiding from?" She can almost hear him smirking "No one! I have no idea what you're talking about!" He shook his head "You know even if I can't see your face I can tell you are lying"
She pulls down the menu a little "After Josh, Nikki set me up on a blind date...oh my god the guy was awful. He was one of those who are someone in school, but after he's a nobody the whole date he was just reminiscing about his days at school. I was so bored, so I made my excuses to use the toilets which was right next to the exit and left" Harry howls "Laila!! You didn't?!" He wipes his tears from laughing.
"I did! It's the guy over there with the woman with the yellow dress" Harry is about to turn to look, "Don't look you'll make it obvious!" She hisses "I need to see what this guy looks like especially if you've ditched him!" He turns and he can't believe his eyes "Callum?" He turns back to her "Yeah, how did you know?" She questions him.
"He was the kid in school that used to bully me about my weight...well until Alec told him to back off" Harry starts to laugh again "What's funny?" She asks, "So, he came to my gym years later wanting a PT, I managed to get him into shape....but it felt so good having someone who used to bully me come to me for help and now? My girlfriend went on a date with him and done a runner!" Harry is in fits of laughter.
"Maybe I should go over and say hi" Laila gives him a look as of to say don't you dare, but its to late, he's up and walking over to their table "Callum! I saw you and thought I'd come over and say hi!" Callum looks up at him "Harry, mate how are you?" The pair shake hands "Good, just here with my girlfriend Laila" he points in Laila's direction she awkwardly smiles back.
"I feel like I know her from somewhere" Callum's date turns in Laila's direction, now all 3 are looking over to her. Fuck! Does he recognize me?! She thought. "I think she just has one of those faces" Harry laughs "So, who's your date?" Callum's date looks up at Harry.
Laila caught her checking Harry out, she holds out her hand, which Harry shakes and quickly drops much to Callum's dates disappointment. She watches him smile at him both before making his way back to their table.
"Please tell me..he doesn't remember me?!" She asks as he sits, Harry chuckles "He thinks he knows you from somewhere, but no idea where" Laila sighs with relief "Thank god! But the nerve of his date! Checking you out right in front of him!" Her tone was curt.
A grin appeared on his face "So, I didn't imagine it then!" She rolls her eyes at him "No, I saw it too!" She doesn't look impressed "They were on a first date too! Why do you sound jealous?" He loves this side to her "I'm not.... I just think its rude checking out someone else when you are on a date" he leans over interlinking his fingers through hers "Gorgeous....come on surely you know I literally have tunnel vision, if it's not you I'm not interested! Plus do you know how good it felt telling him that I was with you?! The chubby kid got the super hot girlfriend and at 34 he's still on his first date" His words make her blush.
They're interrupted by the waiter who takes their order.
They are laughing at a silly joke Harry's mum told him when he heads to their table "I figured out where I know you from!" Callum says in an airy tone "We went on a blind date set up by Nikki! You ran out on it"
Fuck he remembered! She thought.
Continue reading this story here - Chapter 20.
@lem-20 @ridgy--didge @irisofpurple @secretaryunpaid @khoicesbyk @txemrn @gloriousalmondvoiddreamer @tea-me-kah @casualpostqueen @beautifuluknownvoid
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Hetalia nekotalia headcanons(covering just a few of them)
It seems weird that the cats would just be called "Italy-cat" by the actual nation whose name is already Italy so I wasted my time in figuring out their possible breeds and searching up acceptable names(unless stated otherwise) for them that the nations may pick for them and even where the nations obtained these cats. I think they've come to value these cats on the same level as themselves due to how long they may have been around(the same goes for whatever other pet(s) they may own). I thought this was a fun thing to do and honestly it was! :)
Might do more when I get the time again~
***Tw for mentions of animal abuse***
Americat:
Domestic long hair, possible Maine Coon mix!
I think America adopted his cat in the 1980s. He was just a kitten, abandoned outside a supermarket in a box with a sign with one other kitten inside. At least 2 months old. America, having a big heart and soft spot for animals of any kind, took them both in. However he was already struggling to buy proper food for his other animals so he needed to find a different home for them. America ended up keeping one, as he fell absolutely head over heels for him, and named him Liberty— for obvious personal reasons. America raised him for the majority of his life as an indoor cat but with how much energy he has he decided to train him to be an outdoor cat as well, even teaching him to use the doggy door. This gave him enough room to actually grow faster into the adult cat he is now compared to if he'd ALWAYS be around America(as in staying small due to the slow aging around America).
Canacat:
Domestic longhair, possible Maine Coon mix!
Canada adopted him after America offhandedly asked. Canada was pretty stuck when it came to naming him. It was 4 weeks into owning him, mostly calling him a range of names such as Paul and Rookie but never sticking to one for even one whole day, but when Canada was just sitting there eating breakfast before leaving for his daily duties, just a normal quiet morning it came to him. Again, he was just sitting there. That is until the kitten figured out how to climb onto the chair next to him that is. He sat there meowing and pawing at Canada's thigh for 10 minutes while Canada ate. And then he tried to jump onto the table 3 times in a row. Canada gave in and allowed him up there for a minimum of 3 minutes. Not even 1 second passed and suddenly the little rascal is trying to steal the last couple bites of pancake. That was apparently what he wanted. And so Canada named him Pancake! Pancake was an energetic little kitten that a spring in his step but he did mellow out as he grew into adulthood. He's mainly an indoor cat. Come winter time when it snows, Pancake has a tendency to forget the existence of snow so he goes bolting for it only to regret it later.
Germany-cat:
A black or gray German Rex!
Germany isn't exactly a big cat person, he prefers dogs. But after this kitten followed Prussia's cat all the way home and noticed how thin he was he couldn't resist taking care of him. Germany ended up naming him Maus in reference to how tiny and often silent his meow was as a kitten. Now it's just a hilarious name as he's grown quite big and has a very strong meow! Maus is a very well behaved cat although it seems he doesn't favor being played with. He's most often seen at the top of his cat tower or in the window basking in the warm sun. As he was previously found as a stray outside he still does favor being outside. He tends to escape whenever Germany unlocks the doggy door or when Germany let's the dogs out in the backyard to run around for a bit. Maus may be a very mellow cat but he does tend to be loud when he wants food and doesn't want to wait for it. He also tends to attack people when suddenly being pet.
Prussia-cat:
An albino German Rex!
Prussia adopted him in 1998 after his and Germany's new home became a little overrun with mice. Prussia affectionately named him Gunther. Gunther was a spunky little kitten, in fact he was the runt of 6 other siblings and noticeably different to his siblings in appearance(originally thought to just take after the father's white coat despite the orange coats of his siblings and mother). Prussia chose him, the teeny little runt, after watching him easily sneak up and take down his bigger sister and win the play-fight he started. Prussia proudly took him home and trained him to catch the mice! Some years later, Gunther apparently got curious and brave and got loose outside. He was gone for weeks. He came back with a limp, a fresh scar, and a kitten clinging to his side. Gunther rarely escapes outside anymore. Prussia didn't know Gunther was albino until took he took him to the vet for his shots.
Itabby and Romano-cat:
They're both European shorthairs!
When the Italies were freshly unified and everything was still pretty awkward they were forced to go bond by taking walks every morning. Veneziano didn't mind this, he enjoyed the morning and even more so the countryside around them. Romano however could care less about it all and just wanted his bed back. Veneziano was all conversation, very observant of his surroundings as he commented on them to strike up an interesting conversation. And that's how he noticed a man cruelly stuffing two kittens into a sack on their way out of town. After alerting his brother, the two confronted the man. The man claimed these two were sick because neither were getting any of their mother's milk like the rest. Romano demanded he hand the kittens over or else he'd regret it. Veneziano annoyed him with his whining to the point where he gave in and handed them over quite harshly. Once they got them safely away from the man they took a look at the 1 week old kittens; they were both terribly skinny but clearly hanging on for dear life and the brothers both agreed, for once(well more like Romano kept saying "whatever the fuck you want"), that they wanted to help these poor creatures. Luckily for them they knew a stray cat that just had another litter of 3 and could perhaps try to get her to accept two more. And she did! Well it took a day but she did eventually take them in and feed them. Veneziano immediately decided that once they were old enough to eat solid foods he was going to keep one of them and name him Gino! It took a while for Romano to warm up to the idea of keeping even one but he eventually did. He took the other kitten and named him Sonno. They've lived so long due to just how clingy they are to the brothers. Their aging was so slowed down because of how often they're near the Italies that they didn't become fully grown adult cats until some time around 1932.
Japan-cat:
Japanese bobtail!
Named Yoshi* for being Japan's little lucky charm. Yoshi was left behind by his previous family after they moved away. He left his home and began wandering around until he got to Japan's house. Taking notice of how the cat stuck around his house, Japan began feeding him. And feeding him. And feeding him. And eventually he accepted the idea that he was now a cat owner. Not knowing his previous name, Japan decided to rename him Yoshi. Because of Yoshi, Japan began to come outside more and more each day as he is an outdoor cat that seldomly comes inside anymore. What's more is Yoshi came into his life in 1999, just a few months before 2000— aka when The Lost Decade was coming to an end as well as his personal on and off string of depressive episodes. Japan spoils Yoshi with treats and only the best cat food he can afford!
*The real name given to him by Himaruya is Tama, most likely a reference to calico cat Tama from Kinokawa, Wakayama Prefecture, Japan(that's at least what I've gathered). Before I knew this(in my early fandom days) I headcanoned his name to be Yoshi, as I said above it was a reference to luck(I didn't have as easy and unmonitored access to the internet as I do now so I never had a steady way to look these things up). I like Tama as well but I still can't get the name Yoshi out of my mind! I'm not sure if Yoshi and Tama can be combined like some names here in America can be combined(like Lilian Pad[as in Lily Pad] or Patches Poo) and I don't want to attempt it in case I get it wrong no matter how much research I do.
Austria-cat:
Domestic longhair!
Austria has quite the soft spot for this kitty surprisingly. He was born on his estate after his mother wandered in and settled between a couple bushes in his garden. He was born one of three kittens, almost entirely identical to his mother. Austria ended up giving names to all the cats but this one specifically was named Mozart— for very obvious reasons on Austria's part. The mother cat and two of the other kittens ended up moving along a year later after Austria decided to renovate part of his house; however the only one to stick around was Mozart. Austria would let Mozart come inside if only he could manage to pick him up. Mozart will jump into his lap outside, brush up against him, greet him in the morning, allow him to come near(especially with food and clean water) and even pet him but he won't ever peacefully allow Austria to carry him. Mozart was originally thought to be a Ragdoll however it was France who identified him to be a simple domestic longhair instead.
China-cat:
Burmese cat!
Originally a stray that endlessly bothered a shop owner and his own cat, China attracted his attention when he fed him only once. This cat followed him all the way to the hotel he was staying at not far from the little shop, which annoyed him greatly but honestly gave him a little laugh as well. As his car ride home was only going to be an hour at best he decided to at least attempt to bring the little fella home for proper care and attention. And obviously it worked. On his way home he decided a name like Zhi seemed perfect for him! Something told China Zhi was used to car rides and being around people, which told him Zhi was originally in a loving home. Feeling a little sad that this nice loyal cat was living on the streets he began to pamper him. Now Zhi expects to be brushed twice a day, let out at least once a day to soak in the sun's warmth and lay in the soft grass. He's fed the best food possible, has more toys that he knows what to do with. China's cellphone is overrun with videos of Zhi playing fetch— a trick he didn't teach him which, to him, is further proof he had a previous owner.
Russia-cat:
Siberian cat!
Taken in from a rescue shelter, at first fostered, then adopted. Russia kept the name the shelter gave him, Boris, as it fit him very well considering his past. Boris was unfortunately neglected when his previous owner was around. His fur was matted, he was skin and bones, upon pick up he had an eye infection. He was terribly scared of people. After being treated and showed kindness, it wasn't very long for him to open up. When Russia came along and took him in to give him all the proper attention he lacked, Boris fell in love with it. And Russia fell in love with having a cat around. Before anyone could swoop in and try to adopt Boris, Russia already put in to adopt. Now Boris is a happy healthy cat who's favorite toy to play with is Russia's supply of yarn. Boris loves bird or feather based toys the most, however, and will often drag his favorite feather wand over to Russia so he'd play. He's not much of an outdoor cat but after being kept mostly in a small cage since birth he does enjoy at least laying on the porch outside.
France-cat:
A Sacred Birman with light creamy point colouration!*
Obtained as a newly born kitten in 1992, France had offered to help nurture him as his mother had died shortly after giving birth. France named him Minou, more so in honor of his deceased mother Minet rather than it being a common French cat's name(some assume he was lazy with his naming). Minou grew up to be properly spoiled and loved by France. From the time he could see and walk properly, France began putting light outfits and accessories on him for very small amounts of time(like hats and ties mainly to avoid overheating). Minou often silently greets France at the door whenever he comes home, barreling through the hallway or off the couch in order to get some much needed love and attention. He surprisingly gets along very well with France's pet birds, only ever going after them once as a kitten. Minou can be found in his luxurious cat bed made of cardboard from the cat tower's box and a quilt France had crafted long long ago that's now drastically torn in various places. OR he can be found planting his fanny on France's face at night, nearly suffocating him. Minou seems to have a likeness for Russia and England.
*I know France-cat doesn't have any visible point colorations to him but him being a Persian doesn't fit him in my opinion, especially a blue eyed white cat. There's a high percentage of blue eyed white cats being deaf. However a common trait in Birmans are blue eyes so that, to me, fits better.
Iggycat:
Scottish fold-American shorthair mix!*
Obtained through a small litter from a colleague. England named him Lopsy immediately upon seeing him, completely falling in love with him. Due to Lopsy's health concerns(osteochondrodysplasia) he's strictly an indoor cat. He's not very playful due to the pain he endures so he's prone to lay about, especially in England's lap, in his cat bed that sits directly under the window to reach the sunlight, or under England's bed. Despite being on them for so long, it still takes quite the struggle to give Lopsy his medication as he's come accustomed to when England is preparing to give it to him. As he's not very active, Lopsy isn't too fond of France's, America's, or Canada's cats— all of which tend to love playing together. However there are times when Minou is in non-playful mode where Lopsy will lay near or eat with him, but will absolutely refuse to lay with since Minou does have a tendency to attack another cat's tail without warning.
*The reason I see him as a mix is due to the major health concerns breeding two Scottish folds together can bring. However, breeding a Scottish fold with an American shorthair or British shorthair is often the better choice as there's less issues involved. There's talk about banning the breed all together. Even with this talk, breeding persists, preferably for cat shows from the sound of it. There's even research going into fixing these health concerns but it seems incurable due to the Scottish fold disease seeming to be a very dominant trait no matter what secondary breed it's bred with. Scottish fold disease doesn't always occur in a litter, mostly being a 50% change.
Spain-cat:
European shorthair!
Named Vivo for his lively personality, this little guy was found in the rain, drenched and hungry. He looked to be roughly 3 months old, very well fed and groomed so Spain assumed he had a family he ran away from for whatever reason. Without any other solution, Spain took him in until someone came to pick him up. A few weeks go by without anyone coming to claim him, so Spain opted to keep Vivo. Vivo is very loving, he possess a strong purr and often falls asleep purring. He's a lap cat but also has a tendency to curl up on or near Spain's shoulder when he's on the couch. Vivo is mainly an outdoor cat, often chasing mice or other vermen away from the garden without ever destroying it. Spain is pretty grateful to of found him as it had gotten quiet with Romano gone and all. And Vivo defiantly brought some noise to the house! He's not always vocal but when he is he tends to run around happily meowing for attention. He's surprisingly very territorial however— when introduced with then young kits Gino and Sonno, the Italies' cats, Vivo almost attacked them. It took small steps forward to get the three of them to warm up to each other. It also took a while to warm Vivo up to Minou and Gunther.
#hetalia#hetalia headcanons#nekotalia#nekotalia headcanons#hetalia america#hetalia romano#hetalia veneziano#hetalia england#hetalia france#hetalia spain#hetalia austria#hetalia prussia#hetalia germany#hetalia china#hetalia canada#hetalia japan#this took aaaaaallllll day lmao#worth it tho#i learned a lot about cats! :)#tw animal abuse
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Class 1A Dorms Headcanons
(Theses kiddos are all disasters. Please someone save Aizawa)
1/ A little while into the dorm system, the kids started realizing that while it was great and all. The dorms did not have all the stuff their individual diets needed. Kirishima needed iron and thus had resorted to chewing ice at all hours of the day (effectively scaring Todoroki), Momo had ate an entire thing of coconut oil, Bakugou at one point had dumped salt into his mouth, effectively kidnapping the salt shaker. Aizawa just looked at them and was like “why didn’t you tell me?” Their response? None of them had thought that far.
2/ they can’t play competitive games because SOMEONE (cough Bakugou cough) takes them personally and throws hissy fits whenever something doesn’t go his way. Monopoly was the first game to be banned by Aizawa (Bakugou had to give Kaminari money one too many times), Poker following the day after (Iida had a royal flush and didn’t even realize it. Bakugou’s scream of rage could be heard from the other end of the campus)
3/ They all completely forgot that maintenance existed for a reason and thought Aizawa would be disappointed if they broke stuff so they just... did DIY repairs themselves and hoped it didn’t break any further? The microwave shakes whenever someone uses it but hitting it a couple of times usually clears that up. They have to keep the kitchen faucet facing right at a 45° angle otherwise it won’t work but it’s cool they taped the pipe up with Sero’s tape. The dryer makes a funny noise and no one uses it after dark but Tokoyami preformed an exorcism on it so they should be cool.
4/ tried to hide a cat PLUS her kittens. Bakugou found the cat while running and then she had her kittens under his bed so whoops guess what? He claimed himself The Godfather of the cat’s kittens and the rest of the class decided they were aunts and uncles. Koda named them Honey (Mama Cat), Earl Gray, Chamomile, and Peppermint (the kittens). Aizawa KNEW something was up when Midoriya shoved something into his coat when Aizawa made a surprise visit and when asked he tearfully told him it was drugs
Aizawa: problem child what’s in your coat?
Midoriya, hiding Chamomile in his coat: d-drugs?
He helped them find homes for the kittens (taking Chamomile himself because she was the classes favorite) and Honey/Mama Cat/ Little Bitch (who came up with that nickname? Guess) becomes the resident dorm cat.
5/ Movie Nights are an hour long debate because NO ONE CAN AGREE ON ANYTHING. If Iida wants to watch a documentary, Kaminari wants to watch Avengers for the fifth time. Bakugou wants to watch a few episodes of a crime show? Midoriya wants to watch an Reality show. They had to make a list where everyone wrote what they wanted to watch down and they’re just going down the list. If it’s not your night suck it up and wait your turn like a good hero hopeful.
6/ Has a betting pool for everything. Betting pool for when KiriBaku would get together? Kaminari won that one. Betting pool for who’d pass the next test? Whoops give it to Midoriya he guessed right.
7/ Has so many groupchats. And Bakugou is somehow a part of them ALL. One is the main chat. Then there’s the homework help chat, the shitty parents chat, the blond and fabulous chat, the guy chat, the LGBT chat (which is really just the main chat but they bitch about their crushes), the mental illness chat, the more expresso less depresso chat, the gym rat chat, the girl chat (Bakugou got added to help settle a debate and just... never really left? He could at anytime but watching the girls bitch about how stupid the guys is HILARIOUS because he’s like same?)
8/ Crying is not allowed because if someone sees you cry it’s only a matter of time before 1- Midoriya and Kirishima start crying because they’re both empathetic criers. 2- KODA starts crying and summoning animals to try and cheer the person crying up. 3-Everyone tries to comfort the person crying and it just turns into a mess of tissues being shoved towards people and people tripping over one another to try and help.
9/ If things get too domestic and fluffy then they have to go on a Bakugou Hunt because Bakugou gets nervous because many emotions? How feel? How react? Positive vibes, in THIS economy? And so he goes into hiding and wouldn’t be seen until found. (He shoved himself under his desk at one point, sitting there scrunched up as far back as he could go, having an existential crisis about having positive friendships? No one screaming at him? Wow this is shocking.)
10/ Thunderstorms are awful and evil and Aizawa suffers. His entire class hates thunderstorms for different reasons and he is the one to deal with it. They usually just camp out in the common room together wielding flashlights and phones as weapons against the evil darkness that comes with thunderstorms.
11/ Plants. Plants everywhere. Momo likes plants for the design quality, Bakugou uses herbs to cook so he plants herbs and takes care of them, and Todoroki? He has his orchid that he takes care of almost religiously. If you hurt his orchid, touch his orchid, or even look at his orchid wrong? Prepare to die.
12/ Have gotten kicked out of multiple stores one way or another. (Sero and Kaminari, why did you challenge Bakugou to a light saber duel? “For the lols”)
13/ Had a six week long streak of tag. It was nothing to see them sitting calmly in class and then Bakugou would place his hand on Hagakure’s shoulder and go “tag”. All hell would break loose as people scrambled to get away from whoever was tagger.
14/ Got rid of the old fashioned tea kettle in favor of a Keurig after Todoroki refused to go into the kitchen because of the kettle.
15/ Momo is class mom and Iida is class dad. The respective squad parents always go to them before doing anything batshit crazy.
16/ Would murder for any of their friends, no questions asked.
17/ There is one spot on the common room floor that is called “Bad Spot”. No one touches it with their feet, socked or not, no one puts anything there, no furniture, won’t even STAND there. They will go AROUND the Bad Spot. Aizawa was so confused when Bakugou shoved him out of the way and only offered “that’s the bad spot” as an explanation.
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Did you model Bookkeeper Badger or Courtier Badger most of the time ?
In regards to the past tense you're using--it's the Badger primary model I dropped. Which, I've held on to some of its ideals, but they're just another part of my Bird primary system, and that feels very different.
My Badger secondary model is still good and kicking though!
I was just gonna write about how I use it (and how I try not to use it) to answer this ask, but then it turned into
Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 3
(Badger model edition)
and I'm just gonna roll with it.
I did have an unhealthy way I used my Badger secondary model that was... either extreme Bookkeeper, or it's actually been unhealthy Lion secondary all along and I've been mis-Sorting it and this is why the idea of using Lion secondary wigs me out a little. (It's fine when other people use it, but I find the prospect of using it myself at least slightly terrifying.)
Part of my problem is that I'm way too used to situations where pushing through despite feeling like I was about to collapse was the only option. It's probably got to do with... well, some childhood stuff I won't go into too deeply. My mom was in the hospital a lot. The school situation I was in just made everything worse. It's complicated.
Anyway, if I'm under stress, I dissociate out exhaustion, hunger, emotional distress, and even physical pain for hours or days at a time, and I can buckle down and hyperfocus on work (in what would be panic mode if I were more aware of my emotions during these periods). It sounds useful and badass but it really isn't.
Downside #1 is that I will eventually feel the effects of that panic, and any other needs I've been ignoring--it might be at a more convenient time, but those effects definitely won't be lessened.
Downside #2 is traumatic burnout. Do not try this at home. (I always hesitate to use the word "trauma" for my experiences, but the physical reaction I get to writing about some of this stuff says otherwise.)
Downside #3 is that I don't get to choose when my brain does or doesn't do this. It just happens when I'm under stress. I can't count how many times I've had an actual migraine and not noticed why I was so irritable for hours, when I could have taken something.
Downside #4 is that it works. This is possibly the worst one, because the phrase "do your best" takes on a cold sweat-inducing new meaning. My little "ability" has led to some absolutely buckwild performances under deadline, none of which I want to repeat, and I'm not sure I like knowing how much I can get done if I prioritize not failing over not burning out.
(On that note, if you thought my Badger primary model was Exploded last year, you should've seen it 3-4 years ago. I remember when this Kitten Witch post first went up, because I was like "...what? wait--")
In short, this is a very shitty superpower and I would like to re-roll.
I'm undecided whether this is a Badger flavored emergency mode, or the only Lion secondary I can recall using. I lean towards Badger because I have this pathological inability to half-ass anything, and it does not go away during emergencies. But it's possible that it felt Badger flavored because my unhealthy Badger primary model was egging it on with its self deprecating (...self dehumanizing?) exploded Badger crap.
So, wanna know how I got into these nasty deadline crunch situations where emergency hardcore Badger mode became "necessary"?
(I feel like I should reiterate my trigger warning on this series about now: we're talking about gifted kid burnout stuff and I'm about to sarcastically skewer some of my old thought processes here.)
Adequately warned? Great! Here are the step by step instructions to a real shitty time!
Take on a bunch of work while you're feeling okay, based on how much you think everyone else is doing.
Depression gets inevitably triggered somehow, by life stress or overwork or winter or whatever. Burn Bird secondary because that's been a stress response at least since high school.
Have absolutely no clue about the fact that your "limits" vary drastically and your productivity has huge peaks and valleys due to various forms of undiagnosed neurodivergence, which school/college is not designed to accommodate. So, rather than taking a rest and sorting out the stressful thing, get mad at yourself for "being lazy"!
Continue trying to work. Struggle wildly with executive dysfunction. Panic. Get frustrated and angry at yourself. It's cool, I'm sure this will make your Bird secondary start working again soon. (just kidding lol it's making it worse)
When you've aggravated your depression enough, shut down for a few months! Your work will still be there. Piling up. Taunting you. you're falling so far behind what are you doing everyone else can keep up except you
Get sick for a week. Feel relieved that at least now you have a legitimate excuse to not be working. This benefit may feel like it outweighs the symptoms of the flu or sinus infection or whatever you have.
Go into emergency hardcore mode, complete a ridiculous workload in the week before deadline, turn it all in, be almost too exhausted to feel guilty about doing everything last minute.
me: "I don't have ADHD! My focus is usually fine."
also me: this. ^ what is this.
So, I avoid that now. If I notice when Step 3 is happening and I can switch tasks--maybe clean my living space, do some laundry, get some good food, take care of tasks unrelated to whatever project it is that I'm too freaked out to work on--then Bird will be back in a week or two, assuming nothing else huge and stressful happens, and I'll have another productivity peak that'll let me catch up.
This is not the conventional wisdom. Conventional wisdom says you must never break momentum, you must schedule your work out 6 weeks ahead so you always know if you're on track, you must...!
Totally counterproductive for me. My brain is weird and did not come with a manual.
These days, on top of my Bird secondary, I model a mixture of Bookkeeper Badger and mirroring (a Courtier skill), for a number of purposes. I find work satisfying, I'm not afraid of long projects (that I choose), and that shifting, empathetic mirroring response is my default social mode.
But Badger's most important job is to gently take over when Bird is stressed out, and give it space to recover while methodically fixing anything about my situation that's not helping. It's good for that.
I prefer it to the alternative, anyway.
#sortinghatchats#secondary toast revolving door#hufflepuff secondary model#burned ravenclaw secondary#shc models#asks#paint speaks
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Do you have any gender-bent fics, either wincest, J2, or gen??? Thanks!! (This blog is awesome, it's super helpful, so thank you so much for it!)
But of course! There are so many though that I might have to do a part 2
Female Dean
Another Way to Get to Know You by IndridGrey New city, new apartment, new job, new gender presentation.Dee Smith leaves the menswear at home, starts her new job at Sandover Iron & Bridge in a skirt and kitten heels, and finally, fucking finally gets called the right things. Things are going great for a few weeks and even with the fear of being outed she's the happiest she's ever been.And then someone decides to pop their own kernel in an office microwave.(This covers the three weeks that the Winchesters are brainwashed into Smith and Wesson up to the end of It's a Terrible Life)
Dress to Impress by KillerOfHope Deanna and Sam are undercover as a married couple in a gated community where several strange murders have taken place while undercover, the two have a little roleplay in the bedroom as 'husband and wife' with Sam as the dom Hubby and Deanna being the ever submissive wife, taking every order he gives, referring to Sam at some point as 'sir'.
Judgment That Will Never Come by xHelenxOfxSlash “Yeah, I mind. Dee, you want me. We need to-” Sam started in his “caring and sharing voice.”
“We don’t need to do anything. Besides, who says I want you, huh?” Before She knew what was happening Deanna was flipped over onto her back again, Sam’s hands slipping under the waistband of her shorts and cupping the wetness there. She let out an embarrassing mewl, face coloring with shame and arousal
Let's Get this Party Started by firesign10 16-year-old Sam gets invited to his first party and is totally awkward and feels uncool. Girl!Dean shows up and pretends to be his cool, older girlfriend in college and lets him feel her up in front of his envious peers.
A Most Unusual Realisation by BronteLover He took in the sight of Dean’s new mouth-wateringly luscious body, only dressed in white, lace underwear. The smooth, soft curve of her breasts were accentuated by the line of the bra, and her flat stomach led down into lace panties that left little to the imagination. He imagined ripping them off and plunging his cock inside the tight, wet heat they hid.
Orlando by ellerkay While working a case in a small town in Massachusetts, Dean ends up with a very different body than the one he’s used to. He thinks it’s the most fun thing ever. Sam, on the other hand, is barely holding it together. He can’t stop thinking about Dean’s new shape, and it’s making it much harder than usual to keep his desire for Dean at bay.
Sweet Sister by Anonymous Sam has pined after Deanna for years. Finally, they can't resist each other anymore.
there's an opera out on the turnpike by cherryvanilla She's tried to fill the hole Sam’s left behind with saving other people. Tried to fill it with rock salt and matches and grave digging and shotguns. Tried to fill it with whiskey and beer and fucking and sucking. (Or, five times Deanna Winchester hooks up with someone who reminds her of her brother plus one time she sleeps with the real thing.)
Thicker Than Water by Edwardina Dean's got cramps, and Sam knows just what to do for him.
Until it All Falls Down by Callisto Jess burned, Dad died, Mom never really was, and Samuel never mattered. She figures if surviving all that doesn’t entitle Sam and her to each other for ever and ever, then Castiel in his heaven can sit on her middle finger and rotate.She once said that aloud, expecting a little shock and derision from the brother who’d prayed every day once upon a time. But all he said was ‘amen’ before he crowded her against a wall and kissed her.(Pre-series to season 6)
You're The One That I Still Miss by tebtosca A curse sends Dean running to Stanford to hide out, but an unexpected life with Sam keeps him there.
Female Sam
All Right, Mr. De Mille by britomart_is Sam's thighs are controversial. They're a matter of public debate.
Beggars Would Ride by victoria_p (musesfool) He tells himself that the line he's crossing can be redrawn, slightly over the edge into fucked up, and isn't that where they've been living anyway since Mom died?
Bewitched Again by DickBaggins Someone didn't read the fine print on the curse, and a month after Bewitched, Sam transforms into a super hot lady yet again. This time, Dean thinks he's better prepared. Thinks.
Blues Won't Haunt You by darkdecay When John gets Dean severely injured on a hunt, Sam decides she's had enough. She gets Dean in the impala while their dad is out, grabs what she can, and gets herself and Dean as far away from John—and the life he wanted them to lead—as she can.
Dean's Bad Girl by Annabeth_Crestfallen_LeMorte Not a lot of plot...basically some gender-swapped Wincest-y goodness. SHAMELESS SMUT! You've been warned.
Don't Be Such a Girl, Sammy by LoveThemWinchesters Okay, yeah. Dean makes mistakes sometimes…some are worse than others. But maybe the end result isn’t so bad this time.
Exit Sign in the Mirror by keysmash Sam lets things go pretty far before she bothers to tell him.
Heaven is High and the Earth is Wide by lexicale As wide open as the untamed west is, the Winchesters are always trapped between a rock and a hard place. Sam can't escape the trappings of her gender, and Dean is irrevocably in love with his sister.A western!AU with always-a-girl!Sam.
The Hunt Gone Girl-Shaped by Viridescence Your typical monster-turns-Sam-into-a-girl fic. Or, how Dean DIDN'T get to play with Sam and his shiny new vibrator.
I Am Sam By: Sorrel It's hell being the girl. But Sam makes her own way, come hell or high water, and there's plenty of the former when she reunites with big brother Dean, and remembers all of the things she'd thought long forgotten.
The Old College Try by Anonymous Sam's getting ready to graduate from high school and Dean's worried about Sam up and leaving him. So he starts plotting to get Sam pregnant.
Only Love Can Make A Home by KassandraScarlett Soulless Sam seduces Dean and they begin sleeping together, and Dean does his best to hide the fact that he's in love with her. But then Sam gets her soul back and has no memories of what she did while soulless, until her wall breaks and her hallucinations remind her.
Samantha & Dean by Destiel_Cockles AU where Sam is a girl and she wants nothing more than to be with Dean. She comes up with a plan to seduce him because she knows he wants her just as bad.
A Supremely Black Tai Affair by setissma The year she turns sixteen, Sam's Christmas list to her father has exactly three things on it: a house, a real Christmas tree, and the OED.
The Thrift Store Tragedies by Blue_Jay For hunters, being a woman is seen as a weakness. Samantha figures out quickly how to make it a weapon instead.
Underground Wires by eggnogged It’s hard enough being a teenage girl even without all the extra crap: they move around all the time, her family is as far removed from normal as it’s possible to get, and she’s in love with her older brother. Sam has no control on any of it, she’s just trying to stay afloat.
Both Dean and Sam are females
Bleeds for a Week and Doesn't Die by Nutkin John Winchester has two daughters named Sam and Dean.
The Cursed Beaver by Mayalaen Sam and Dean find a cursed object that allows them to switch genders whenever they want.
The Female Advantage by DckBaggins Dean's still feeling the full effects of a nasty little sex spell courtesy of a banging succubus, but she decides to lie about it to Sam; of course, her soulless sister sees right through her.
For My Prayer Has Always Been Love by The_Circadian Back on the road after tragedy finds them again, Sam and Dean find themselves seemingly cursed by an unknown source. With little to go on, their previous plans to find their father are put on hold while they try to fix whatever has changed them into female versions of themselves.Despite the curse and his grief over the loss of Jess, the situation does nothing good for Sam's long running, hidden feelings for his brother. If anything it's harder and harder to deny how he feels.Takes place soon after the Season 1 Pilot.
We Still Have Tonight by ds9trekkie Sam and Dean experience lovin' from a very different perspective. Witches, lesbian sex, and all the feels.
#wincest#supernatural fanfiction#dean winchester#sam winchester#dean/sam#spn fic#supernatural#genderswap#genderbend#girl!dean#girl!sam#cursed!dean#cursed!sam#witches#john winchester#Soulless!Sam#case fic#It's A Terrible Life#season 1#season 4#Jessica Moore#sam/jessica#5 times fic#fan fiction#fic list#preseries#AO3 fic#livejournal fic#fanfiction.net
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Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? ooooof. I don’t think i’d buy that. I hardly think people who DO show they have feelings for me are being truthful, so I doubt that.
Do you play video games? haven’t in some time, but I want to get back into it a little.
Do you spend a lot of time with family? oh heck yeah. I have a really great family.
Is your house more than two stories tall? nah, it’s the two stories with a basement.
Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you? I will never raise my hands to another human being. I once dated someone who was a veteran and had severe ptsd. we were napping one time and he got aggressive. that wasn’t HIM though.
What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!) physically, I suppose I have nice eyes and a decent smile. personality wise, I am warm, friendly, loving, supportive, sometimes funny, very loyal.
What color is your hairbrush/comb? depends which one I use. I have a pink one right now.
What snacks do you have available in your household atm? I honestly haven’t got a clue. I haven’t been let out of my room in 2 weeks.
Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive? yes. it’s weird.
Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? DEF not. he has been asking me out since we worked together maybeeeee.. 8-9 years ago?
Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you? yes! I am trying to learn how to undo that. it’s not that I don’t want to care about him, but I know and can soooooooo clearly see that he doesn’t care anymore, and it is extremely emotionally draining to watch.
Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female? I wanna say female but idk
Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? scott
When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate? couple days ago.
Do you play any games on Facebook? Nope.
What would you like to get a degree in? I have two degrees -- one in psych and one in SLP.
Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? ahahahaha yes. almost always wide awake from 3-6
Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game? typically more in the movie/show or book mood.
Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater? Both. nothing like that buttery, salty goodness that obvs requires an enormous drink
What genre of films do you like the best? either make me EXTREMELY sad, or romantic.
How many bank accounts do you have? 2
Have you ever had the flu? Yeah.
What is your goal for the next few months? i have several. the only one that can/will be public right now, is to get my lungs back to functioning as they were.
Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life? yes. I have very bad breathing during sleep. I have had 11 sleep studies done, because my breathing will just stop randomly, which luckily my brain wakes me. it doesn’t really affect my like severely.. I function normally. but shoooooot, if I got normal levels of sleep i’d be a force to be reckoned with.
Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience. Yes. It was AWFUL. vomiting for 2 days straight. it was so gross.
Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex. smart and romantic.
Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it? hmm. I think there have been times where i’ve let people have more access to me than they should have had. or there have definitely been times I’ve been used in school groups. But honestly, I tend to be protective of myself. I stop when I feel enough is enough.
You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? I would want either Bill to not die, or for her to be spoiled incessantly by someone else.
Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? psh. no. my friends are all tiny which is just not fun.
Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you? Yeah. i found it so fun.
Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see? ahahahaha no.
Which is worse: dusting or mopping? mopping. i hate doing the floors.
Did you pull a senior prank? Not really advised when a homeschooler.
Did you graduate? Yes. that was a rough, rough day.
Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship? Nope
What was the last song you listened to? i think it was Happier than Ever by billie eilish. the lyrics are ... woof.
Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision? 20/12 -- the last time I had insurance anyway.
Is fashion one of your interests? honestly, if I had money, it would be. but it isnt right now.
Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone? It’s getting harder and harder to believe that will be the case. I knowwwww I need to start dating, but every time I go to open up an app, I hesitate and chicken out. I just was so happy before.. its hard to think I could be able to offer anything to anyone right now.
Do you care what people think? veryyyyyy few people. I care about the thoughts of those I genuinely love and respect. However, I still ensure I’m protecting myself regardless.
Is acting something you enjoy? No.
What was the last thing you broke/sprained? I have a bum knee, so I sprain that from time to time. I last broke a finger.
Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours? ahahahaha yes. but years ago. never because of mine.
Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language? No. I don’t cuss.
Whose house, other than yours and your families’, are you most comfortable at? probably either nathan’s or em’s.
Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? alix’s family used to yell at me a lot for being fat. that used to mess me up.
Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? soccer. no, i found the endless running to be unnecessary.
Did you ever watch the show Full House? yup
Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry? no, thats so out-of-touch with reality
Have you ever burned someone’s picture? yes, i have.
What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on? i think it was 8 hours. I hate hate hate hikes. But, thats because I have really weak lungs, so my doctor says it’s like lighting them on fire.
Would you ever get a lip tattoo? No.
Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? kile
Do your parents smoke cigarettes? my mom hasn’t since a teenager. I think my dad does still. though, i dunno for certain.
What does one of your T-shirts have written on it? uhhhh, PTK honors society
Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. Any reptile or insect. <<<< same
Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller? Taller.
Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Yes. very much so.
Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? No, i respect people who are truthful saying they either try not to judge, or that they do judge despite their desire to stop.
What did you love the most about the town you grew up in? sooooooo much. it’s small town-y, quiet, safe, lots of trees, family close by.
What’s a movie you cried the hardest during? ps i love you will always shatter my heart.
What’s your favorite restaurant? buona or ashford
Is there a dessert you don’t like? im not wild about pastries.
What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it? hmmm maybe that one mrs. pettigrews home for peculiar children.
Underwater or outer space? i’m fascinated by both. typically more interested in the water.
Dogs or cats? both. all of them.
Kittens or puppies? kittens.
Bird watching or whale watching? whales!!!!!!!!
What was your best subject in school? in HS probably history. or science. in college, psych or neuro.
What was your worst subject in school? Math. always freakin’ math.
What is one thing you wish you knew in high school? Uhhh. hm. i don’t think anything. I liked my experience.
Who is your fashion icon? nada.
Diamonds or pearls? Both are nice. I love pearl stud earrings and I really want a simple, one pearl necklace. I am kinda ruined for diamonds for some time. My favorite rings and necklace were diamonds from kile and I just cant bring myself to wear those anymore.
What color dress did you wear to prom? pink
Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? oh sure. I am envious of those with bangin’ bods. I’m envious of those who have great finances. I am envious of those who live life married to their love. I’m envious of people who see kile regularly. But there are difficulties that come with any of those situations.
Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out? not long ago. the whole crushing reality of losing kile just destroyed me. I’m OK now.
Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? ahahahahah. I just reject all calls.
Who are you closest to? My mom and nathan rn.
Have you ever had a bad concert experience? no
Are you currently sad about anything? several things have recently been really saddening, but I’m ok. Ill get thru it.
Have you had any form of exercise today? Its going to be some time before I’m cleared for that. I almost faint from taking a shower and I have to be on oxygen after doing the one flight of stairs.
Can you handle blood? doesn’t bother me at all.
Has any place hired you underage for a job? yes. I mean technically, I was legal to work in that I was 17, but the company didn’t want to hire younger than 18.
Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? not like in public, but at a house or gun range, yes.
Are you currently searching for a job? soon.
Does eating breakfast make you sick? i’m never ever ever hungry for it. I know i should, but its the worst. I don’t even like breakfast foods.
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anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys
i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life
if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit
as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!
Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!
These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.
Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt.
He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.
he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on
/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him.
i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.
things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident.
so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.
one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.
i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.
i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.
its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.
and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them
and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.
when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.
and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.
i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.
#angus.txt#getting deep in here but it felt good to write#i love u all so much ok pls be good urselves
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(Seems like) Years since yesterday...
Today, 1 year ago, is a special day...
One year ago today was the last time I bought myself a new guitar... I always wanted a Guild, and as I had been touring a lot with The Cashbags I figured I could now afford it. It's blonde, with P90s and as close as I could get to one of my idols, Dave G from The Paladins.
I bought it second hand via “Ebay Kleinanzeigen”, right before a show with The Cashbags. The guy came to the venue, before sound check and I tried it out. I was in love... I bought it there and then...
I played it that night at The Cashbags show too. This was the only show I played my own guitar during all my years touring with the band. Usually I would use the band gear, as it best suited the look the band wanted (and it was easy for me, I didn't have to carry my guitar and amp to and from shows)...
It's also the only show I have so far played with this guitar...
Why?
Well that's cause of that damn pandemic.
You see, that show in Langenselbold was to become the last one The Cashbags would play with me...
I knew I was leaving the band at the end of the tour, which was at the end of April, but COVID had a different plan. It's kinda hard to explain how it felt driving to the show, a good 6 hours, with 1 or 2 date cancellations happening along the way... However, by the the next morning hotel breakfast, the rest of the tour was cancelled.
We lost 6 solid weeks of shows...
But how naive I was. I thought we'd be back at it pretty soon; dates rescheduled, last minute shows would be booked... you know the deal. But in the end, I didn't share the stage with the band again, I didn't get to say goodbye to half the band members before leaving Germany either.
Alex and I had only been married 10 days when restrictions started to begin in Germany. The full lockdown was a week or two later, wasn't it? I don't know, it's all a bit of a blur.
I was lucky, at the time, I had my studio which was all mine, so I could get out of the apartment, walk the dog and play guitar, loud... The new guitar got some action, behind closed doors of course.
You know the story, we started selling up, packing up and, eventually, moved down under...
It feels surreal to think how, at the time, we had no idea how this was going to affect us. It's quite clear the pandemic has brought out the best (and worst) in people.
I think for me, during my time in Dresden's restrictions, everything felt, well, OK. It didn't feel too bad, but I had a lot to focus on. The “goodbyes” to everyone was the hardest thing. I don't remember being under the weather, depressed or sick. I may have been, but whatever negative thoughts and feelings there were, they weren't strong during that time.
I was lucky to be one of the earlier guests on the Blue Note live stream in March, which encouraged me to do my own live streams in April and May. As unprepared as I was to learn so many new songs, it was a good focus, until it got too much.
In July we had “The Josh Fest” which was too much for my emotions. Dresden, I feel the love. I'm so thankful (and lucky) so many friends could come out for one last party. Reuniting old bands, new bands and old friends on stage, it'll go down as one of the best shows in my life. One that ended with me in tears...
When we had the first cancelled flight and rescheduled flights in mid July, I don't remember feeling too bad about it all either. I didn't like it, but our delay was only a week or two. And we had a roof over our head and Alex's family there to support us.
But once the 3rd or 4th rescheduled flight happened it started to get scary and worrying. I remember some really bad days in Meine. I had lost all hope of getting home. We were in limbo, and had little control over the situation. Our health insurances had expired, we were no longer registered in Germany and were worried constantly if the next flight would let us on. So many last minute cancellations, wears one down. I spent quite a bit of my time frustrated, depressed and helpless during those 2 months.
Once we took control, used some savings and bought ourselves new flights, we made it to Adelaide. I definitely felt better by taking action. However, another set of challenges arise, quarantine isn't fun. We were lucky with our hotel, room and food, but it's still tough... Very tough... And I sympathize with everyone who's had to go through it, especially those who are doing it under hardship.
In late September we made it mum's. We finally made it... I'd been waiting for this moment for a year (longer than originally planned of course). I made the decision to move in September/October 2019. I had achieved a lot in Europe, so many amazing adventures (good and challening) that I'll have enough memories to last a life time (if I can remember them!).
I wanted to come back and take care of my family.
When we arrived at mum's, it hit me... I was back! I didn't feel the excitement I thought I would. I felt bad for Mum. Like, shouldn't I have been crying? Shouldn't I have been screaming! “I'm baaaaaaack!!!” In the end I think it was just relief... We'd arrived almost 3 months later than expected. We needed to settle in.
I think settling in took a while. Is it still happening? Even the smell of the fresh salt air knocks you out! Lots of new things to get used to. Integration had begun. Usually I returned home for a holiday, now it was a return for good. This is a full time permanent position.
I did enjoy October through to January. Alex wasn't working, we had time to do stuff, relax... Enjoy the local scene. I don't surf every day, but definitely as often as conditions allow. I did some work, which I previously blogged about. Alex started working in December, and she loves her job... Things were pretty good...
I was, I still am, trying to get over saying goodbye to my puppy, my friends and wondering why I had little motivation to pick up the guitar...
In mid January Mijo, my little kitten, came into my life. Thanks to my wonderful wife, she knew full well I wouldn't decide to get a pet on my own, and on the responsibility to bring some fur into our lives. Damn I'm lucky.
In fact, Alex's intuition is amazing... She always seems to know know when to ask questions, when to listen, when to take action and when to bring coffee. Bless her cotton socks...
However come February I'd hit the wall. I don't know what it is, what it was.... But it's been a little while coming, and hasn't gone away. It did leave me in bed for 3 days, and don't ask me the reason, cause I can't tell you.
I've had a lot of motivation issues... I just don't feel like getting up... I have to, because I gotta drive mum to work and pick her up. Once back home, usually I drink coffee and force myself to do something, anything... I've used the excuse of “training Mijo” that I visit friends with him, but really my heart hasn't been in it. I just know I'd feel guilty if I didn't do anything...
I've had a lot of paperwork to fill out since getting home. Bank accounts and all that kind of stuff... Alex's visa (which is still on going for another 18 months or so). Also local government bureaucratic stuff I have to deal with. Taxes! I'm planning to start studying in April, but to enroll the process comes with a lot of documentation, questions and answers...
So... Lately...
I have distanced myself from everyone lately. Except for a few moments, I haven't picked up the guitar in almost 12 months. I barely do anything. Writing this blog today, has taken a lot of energy and focus to start. If it wasn't for the “anniversary” today, I wouldn't have even begun to type.
To help you understand the hole I was (and still am) in... I have been blessed with a roof over my head, food every day, a loving wife, a beautiful kitten, a loving mum (and family and friends), the beach, the sounds of birds waking me up and (mostly) great weather... But I'm still unhappy...
How could that be? Why is that?
I know I wrote a few times before, that writing has helped me process my feelings. So I figured I'd better try it. Practice what I preach!... But don't ask me how I feel, I just don't know... and it can change in a heart beat.
I got out of bed today, and I did some office work... First time in over a week... Stuff I've been putting off... I'll need to make a few calls this afternoon too... But in between I think I'll rest... Relax...
Usually, I push myself too much... I have pushed myself to the edge (again)... I've been feeling desperate, unmotivated, hopeless, helpless and, well, just plain shit... I know I gotta get out of it, but these days I'm trying a new approach: pull back, relax, rethink, rest and figure out the right balance... So far I am somewhere in the middle....
At least I think I feel better than when I was constantly powering through and not acknowledging my feelings.
I'm my worst critic, and I feel guilty if I don't “do” every day... I gotta “do” this or that... But sometimes you gotta take care of yourself... That is also a “do”... isn't it? Self care. Self love. Listening to your body.
So it's been one of the roughest years in a long time for us... hasn't it??
Damn...
Please don't do what I do and ignore the stress and pressure... What I mean is, there's been so many new things for all of us, so many new challenges, we forget how far we've come. We forget we are still here.
We have achieved so much, even if it's the fact we got out of bed today!!!
We need to be kind to each other, but more importantly to ourselves. I wouldn't treat my pet, my friends or my family as badly as I do myself, so why am I doing that?? It's gotta stop.
I gotta listen to myself when I don't feel up to it, and forgive myself for putting myself first... Rest... Reflection... Relaxing... Recuperation... Maybe then I can begin the next chore... Like filling out this damn paperwork just to get into college...
https://youtu.be/-rkq9ffBpWY - The Paladins - Years Since Yesterday
Thanks for reading,
Josh
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Pets
Updated 4 October 2021
Rest of the Masterlist.
#kylothekiller by crossingwinter (AO3 2018 Rated G Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: It’s not the first time that Rey has seen Kylo pop up in her Fido stream, but it is the first time she’s clicked on him fast enough to be scheduled for a meet and greet with dog and owner on Saturday.) #kylothekiller Sequel /r/dogs by crossingwinter (AO3 2018 Rated M Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: [Help] My Girlfriend thinks she’s dying because the dog won’t leave her side.) A Dog is a Man's Best Friend (and also a force for fate) by Impossiblefangirl0632 (AO3 2020 Rated G Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben is dog-sitting for Poe and everything is going fine until BB sees a rabbit and runs off. Rey finds a muddy, but happy dog and takes him home with her. She's going to turn him into the shelter, she really is but before she can she runs into a very stressed, very annoyed Ben who accuses her of dognapping.) A Hare Brained Scheme by Hellyjellybean (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, 3 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rosey the Rabbit is sad. Rex her bonded companion has died and she needs a new hutch-mate. The problem is Rey is flat broke. Would her surly neighbour, owner of Huxy the Bunny be willing to let Rosey bond with his beloved pet? ) A Tail of Two Fluffs by Crysania, deadlikemoi, DyadamDriver, EquusGirl (EquusGirl0621), HelenFlower92, here4thereylo, lorel_steele, tmwillson3 (AO3 2019 Rated T Complete, 2 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben and Rey are roommates secretly pining for each other. When the two move in together, a cheesy ad on the radio brings them to Takodana Animal Shelter, where they meet Kira and Kylo, two animals that quickly win over their hearts. Can they sneak them home as Christmas presents for each other without raising suspicion?) Dog Days of Summer by reyloanne (AO3 2019 Rated E Complete, 2 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Veterinary student Rey has loved dogs ever since a puppy stole her heart at 7 years old. Now, she supplements her scholarships with a side business walking dogs. When there's a mixup with the scheduling of her newest client Buster, Rey walks in and gets an eyeful of Buster's owner instead.) Doggy See Doggy Do by youfluttermywings (AO3 2018 Rated T Complete, 4 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Kylo's terribly late for work, his dog Chewie is bleeding out from his leg and his regular vet is all booked out. The only vet who can fit him in is a forty minutes drive away...) En-Snack-Ment by Twin_Kitten (AO3 2019 Rated M Complete, 2 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Police dog Kylo alerts for drugs on Rey's car, and Detective Ben Solo must investigate.) Get Over a Man, Get a Dog by PortPowerhouse (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, 5 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey tells her best friend Ben she loves him. Ben was raised in a household where he was taught “I know” is an acceptable response to “I love you”. Rey gets a dog to help cope with her heartbreak because the real best way to get over a man is to get a dog.) Gimme Shelter by JaneNightwork (AO3 2018 Rated T Complete, 14 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben Solo meets Rey Niima when his mother asks him to drop off a few boxes of old sheets and towels at the animal shelter. He is immediately charmed by her and decides to volunteer at the shelter to get to know her better. In the process of building his relationship with Rey and learning to take care of the animals, Ben learns new ways to heal old hurts.) If Found, Please Return by SageMcMae (AO3 2019 Rated E Complete, 8 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey knows what it's like to be abandoned, so when she returns a lost dog to his posh Manhattan address, she gives his owner an earful.) In Small Packages by DyadamDriver (AO3 2018 Rated G Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: It was then that Ben realised three things. 1. He had never had a cat in his life. 2. He had no idea what these little things ate. 3. He had a crippling crush on his neighbour.) Kitten Love by ReyloRobyn2011 (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben is a field reporter for Hanna City that always is given ridiculous stories to report. What happens when he interviews the owner of a local kitten rescue that brought the kittens to an aquarium? Well, it may just be love at first sight.) les amoureux des animaux by reylomami (AO3 2019 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey leaves her job in a whim after a quarter-life crisis. With too much time suddenly in her hands to rethink her life and her identity, Rey finds money-making respite in a pet-sitting job from Pawshake. A Reylo Pawshake AU with poor time coordination and fluff out of meet-cutes and mournings.) Let's Go Pumpkin Picking by JustYouBenSolo (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rose doesn’t understand why Rey is so eager to go pumpkin picking with her at Han Solo’s farm when Rey went pumpkin picking last week with Poe. And the week before with Finn. Maybe she just really loves pumpkins? TW: Unsafe sex, no pregnancy.) Lost & Found by commandercrouton (AO3 2019 Rated T Complete, 6 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey loses her kitten, her neighbor finds a kitten.) Matched! by ekayla (AO3 2021 Rated M Complete, 15 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: What happens if you finally meet someone interesting on dating app during an international pandemic and can’t meet face to face?) Merry (Fuzzy) and Bright by JaneNightwork (AO3 2019 Rated M Complete, 25 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: One night Ben finds a dog abandoned on his doorstep. She's cold, scared, and pregnant. Ben takes her to a nearby vet clinic and meets the beautiful veterinarian Rey, who promises to help him be the best caregiver the dog and her puppies could ask for. Throughout the holiday season Ben and Rey fall in love with the puppies and, of course, each other.) Must Love Dogs by wanderlustfaery (etherealprey) (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, 2 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben gets a rescue dog named Kylo. Rey has a rescue dog named Gavin. These two dogs apparently know each other from before and force their new owners to exchange numbers so they can see each other.) My Favorite Spot by erney007 (AO3 2019 Rated E Complete, 2 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: A modern AU where Ben has a love at first sight when he meets Rey. Only a little problem, her little Corgi wouldn't let him get near her.) Of Coffee, Corgis, and Cats by starspangledbisexual (AO3 2021 Rated G Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey would do anything for Finn- and by extension, Finn's boyfriend Poe and his adorable corgi, BeeBee. That includes covering Finn's shift when BeeBee goes missing. Throw a handsome customer, some convenient coincidences, and a very surly cat into the mix, and Rey's Tuesday afternoon turns out to be a lot more interesting than she thought it would be.) Paw Prints on my heart by Hellyjellybean (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, 2 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: The prompt was Rey and Ben are roommates who find a stray kitten and the kitten brings them closer together. Could it be that they mean more to each other than they thought?) Paws by Polkadotdotdot (AO3 2018 Rated M Complete, 2 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Every Friday, Ben Solo takes his Doberman, Kylo to Central Park. Every Friday he sits on the same bench without anyone ever bothering him. Until another dog walker steals his spot...) Puppy Love by Hellyjellybean (AO3 2020 Rated M Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben adopts a naughty puppy and contacts a dog trainer. It's horrible. Rey's too attractive and every time she says 'good boy' Ben comes close to popping a boner. Rey is pure magic with dogs, so he can't change trainers. Will Ben be able to survive the class?) Pussy Peek by JustYouBenSolo (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: When Rey adopts a kitten, she invites Ben over to meet it. He misinterprets this as an invitation for something else. When Ben comes over, Rey says she’ll be right back (to get the kitten). He starts taking off his clothes…) put it into words by akosmia (AO3 2018 Rated T Complete, 3 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben went out to get a dog, and he got home with a poodle and a crush on the girl working at the shelter. That's life, right?) Sabotage by CaptainMarvel42 (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, 10 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: After learning Ben's role in Finn and Poe's breakup, Rey plots her revenge.) Snow Sparkles Like Stars by raptorginger (AO3 2018 Rated E Complete, 9 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: A blizzard forces Professor (of mythology and cosmology) Kylo Ren, aka Ben Solo, off the road while on his way to his parents’ house in Seattle for the holidays. Luckily, the woman who owns the house he’s stranded at is well prepared for a snow-in and (as a bonus) is adorable. Unluckily, she’s the owner of eight mischievous Alaskan Malamutes, who may or may not be the physical manifestations of the old gods of Norse myth.) Steadfast and True by andabatae (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, 3 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Veterinarian Rey Niima's life mission is to save hurt or ill animals. When Ben Solo brings his injured puppy into the office, she leaps into action to save him. And when Ben asks if she makes house calls to check on recovering pets, Rey immediately agrees.) Strays by crossingwinter (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey rescues a mangy mutt from the site of a junkyard and brings the dog to the Solo Veterinarian Clinic. There she falls in love with the handsome son who's just really trying to save all animals.) Take My Hand by phrenique (AO3 2018 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey lost her dog, Ben finds it.) The Fetch Order by Erulisse17 (AO3 2018 Rated T Complete, 2 Chapters, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Working at the Fetch Order is all Rey ever wanted. She's surrounded by dogs everyday, her coworkers are fun and friendly, and the owners, Leia and Han, care about her like no one else ever has. But when someone breaks in at night to steal Chewie, she has to do everything she can to protect him. Until she finds out that the intruder is Ben Solo, trying to pick up the dog for his parents. ) To Say Good Night to You by dawninthemtn (AO3 2020 Rated T Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: Ben is living a lonely quarantine when he gets a FaceTime call from a random toddler. He makes friends with the child, and eventually, her mother.) Valentine's Day by PropertyOfThaJoker (AO3 2018 Rated M Complete, One-Shot, Modern AU, Quick Synopsis: The cat immediately came to Rey, who immediately held it. “He can’t be more than five weeks old, Ben. He’s a baby. It’s cold out here – he’ll freeze to death. We have to take him home.”) Wild Child by tmwillson3 (AO3 2020 Rated E Complete, 4 Chapters, Regency AU, Quick Synopsis: Rey spends her first Season in Bath with her best friend, Rose Tico. When Rose begins a hate-at-first-sight relationship with Sir Armitage Hux, Rey thinks that nothing more exciting could happen. That's when Sir Hux's friend, the Earl of Alderaan, and his dogs come crashing into Rey. Rey has never liked peers, but when she bonds with him on a rainy day, everything changes.)
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Back in the days of LJ, I used to try and do a post at the end of each year, looking back primarily at fandom and fic. I fell out of the habit when everything moved to tumblr, and then it seemed like I didn’t have anything to say since I wasn’t writing or really participating any.
But I always liked the idea of it, because I love to be overly reflective on stuff. And talk about my fic. Any excuse! I shuffled around some of the topics I used back then and added a few I’ve seen around that I liked. It got… long, because I TALK, so I split into two sections.
*
Your main fandom of the year?
Marvel (MCU) for sure. Primarily with characters from Spider-Man and Iron Man movies.
Your favorite film watched this year?
The Old Guard - I saw a couple trailers and everything about it looked like catnip. ‘It’s probably going to be so dumb, but I don’t even care,’ I thought. And then it was so good. It was so much fun and so much smarter than I expected and I loved each and every character and it just made me happy in so many ways.
Your favorite book read this year?
Red, White, and Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston - I read it twice this year actually. It’s so… cute isn’t the right world. Sweet and hopeful and soft and comforting and intense. I liked every single character which is pretty rare. I cried during the sad parts and then again at the happy ending, like straight up sobbed - both times. I already want to read it again.
Your favorite tv show watched this year?
Schitt’s Creek - I started it on a whim and because a lot of people had said it was good. The episodes were short so it wasn’t a huge time investment. The first season was a little rough, but there were enough funny moments that I hung on, and then… I kept getting fonder and fonder of these idiots as they grew. And THEN… it kept not disappointing me?
You grow to expect certain scripts, twists, jokes, especially in queer story lines. To wait for the bad thing to happen, because it always does. Instead, Schitt’s Creek kept going, ‘hey, here’s the set up for that! Guess what? We’re not doing it. Here’s the happy version instead.’ The relief of having that happen again and again - the last season I’ve watched (I’m sort of saving 6) I cried a bunch but it was always because I was happy.
Your favorite album or song to listen to this year?
1896 - I’ve been waiting for the new Steam Powered Giraffe album so eagerly for aaaaaages. Finally getting recordings of Zero’s songs! Lying Awake remains my favorite off the album, with Eat Your Heart and Bad Days on the Horizon high up there as well. I’m loving what Zero brings to the band.
Your best new fandom discovery of the year?
I don’t know if I really did discover that much? I stuck pretty closely to old fandoms and the ones I picked up in 2019. Maybe Zodiac? It was definitely inspiring, and I want to write and read more in it.
Maybe the couple discords I joined? I still really dislike discord and am not on there much, and mostly lurk when I am, but having somewhere vaguely like the comms I remember makes me feel a little less isolated. It’s the potential, that maybe if I said something I might make a friend, or someone might actually want to hear what I say.
Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?
The Watch - I mean, I knew it was going to be a disaster with every word said during pre production. I wasn’t ever going to be happy with it. And then it came out and was even worse and uglier and … disrespectful not just of the source material but of actual people connected to Terry. I’m beyond disappointed that this is what we got, and it’s probably going to be a long time before we get anything else.
Devil All the Time was terrible, but I didn’t have especially high hopes. It still didn’t manage to meet them. Yikes.
The most missed of your old fandoms?
Maybe MASH? Someone I follow started talking about it and I was reminded all over again of the wonderful fics in that fandom. I went looking and a lot are gone (still on my computer, lol, but not online), but rereading was such a trip. A slightly depressing trip, but still.
The fandom you haven't tried yet, but want to?
Hmm. I’ve kind of not had the energy to invest in other fandoms at the moment? When The Witcher was having it’s big moment back in January, I had a feeling I might enjoy it enough to fall headfirst into the fandom, so I avoided watching it. Ikr? I don’t have the time or the energy to actively seek anything out.
Your biggest fan anticipations for the New Year?
SO EXCITED about Winter’s Orbit. I mean, the third Spider-Man movie for sure, with worry. The second Venom movie, ugh yes. I have tentative hopes for Jungle Cruise? Jumanji was stellar and I always enjoy Dwayne. I have both hope and dread for the new Suicide Squad - I did love Birds of Prey, so if it’s along those lines, yay. The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard because it should be some fun garbage, my favorite kind. I don’t know how I feel about Dune, but, uh, I’m anticipating it. It seems highly unlikely it will actually happen, but The Wheel of Time TV series.
I want to be excited about Black Widow but it’s hard. It’s not the story I’ve been wanting to see, and I’m angry about Natasha not getting a movie until she’s dead.
You know. If any of it is released for real.
The Good:
I moved to a better place. I got a better paying, better benefits, better environment job that lets me work from home. The house acquired 3-7 more cats depending on the month. I was able to get some serious problems on my car fixed. I have insurance and was able to start on some health stuff. No one I know got sick or died. I wrote a LOT.
The Bad:
Aside from the obvious? Depression hitting extra hard during the winter. Having to put two kittens to sleep. Have my car be hit three times in our parking lot. Being driven INSANE by one of the cats for months while the vets were all closed. Kidney stone. Dealing with several health problems. Stalling for months on Gotcha.
The Indifferent:
Not leaving the house often or easily. Enjoying a new fandom but not doing great at making connections (still real awkward, bud). Raising kittens and saying goodbye. Need new tires. Reading a lot of fic but not a lot of books. Having more pay but more expenses as well (wth insurance??).
*
2020 fic stats
Number of stories: 39
Number of fandoms: 6? Or 2, if you cluster the others under mcu
Total number of words: 152049
Average word count per story: 4kish
Longest fic: Causality (18k, P/Q)
Shortest fic: Can’t, Won’t (1k, P/Q)
Most comments received: Sieche (49, T/P)
Fandom you wrote the most of: MCU Spider-Man - I only wrote TWO fics that didn’t feature that fandom, wow. And one of those was still MCU.
Fandom you wrote the least of: Zodiac (1!)
Events you participated in: Marvel Trumps Hate, Kinktober, IornspidersGeorg Exchange, Starker Festivals Exchange, MCU Secret Santa, Spiderio Big Bang
*
Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?
SO MUCH MORE OMG. I mean, even just counting posted stuff! (I probably wrote a solid 300k of Gotcha this year.) I did not expect or plan on doing Kinktober, so that’s a whole 31 fics right there. I also wasn’t planning on doing any exchanges - I have a History - but then I did three? And beyond that, I did not expect for everything to get so LONG.
Topic you wrote that you would never have predicted in January:
Tony/Quentin. Goddammit @the-me09 They were like hey, they could be interesting! And while I agreed, I had no ideas for them. THEN they had to go and write Just Bodies That Collide and next thing I know, I’ve got ten fics featuring them and two-six series focused on them or Peter/Quentin/Tony. What the fuck.
Leitmotif of the year:
Vulnerability, I think. I had a bunch of things typed up and they all circle back to vulnerability in the end; sex, being seen, being wanted, sharing trauma, asking for help, trying something new. Offering a soft spot in the hopes it won’t be hurt.
Favorite character to write about:
Tony Stark, for sure. There are just a bunch of slightly different takes, and a lot of canon to work with (kind of frustrating too though). And I’m a sucker for emotionally damaged snarky traumatized characters that are viewed poorly both in universe and out.
Favorite kind of fic to write:
This year? Fluff and smut combined. Maybe that’s not the right term really. I keep looking for and writing, even in the angstiest fics, for those soft moments. Sure, maybe it’s a super smutty kink scene, but I want the affection to be obvious. Maybe everyone is consumed by guilt, but I want it to be based in caring too much. Maybe there’s no real love, just sex and even that’s messed up, but I want to find that tiny bit of fondness.
And I want happy endings. Or endings that look like they’re going to be happy, at least, even if there’s all the angst first. I don’t think I’ve killed anyone this year? Who AM I?
Biggest disappointment:
Not finishing the rough draft of Gotcha. I was making such good progress in 2019, from August to December. Even after the move, I basically finished part 6 in January. I fumbled around and fussed with 1 a lot, but that had already been given one draft, really, and I got through half of 4 before I slowed to a stop. I’ve barely gotten anything accomplished on it since June. Bits and pieces here and there, but nothing significant, not like I was doing. I can excuse October, due to 80k invested in Kinktober (yikes!), but aside from that… I’m sad. I’ll finish it eventually, but I really thought I could have the first draft done in a year. I’m sitting at about 480k out of what I’m almost certain will be 700k.
Biggest surprise:
Kinktober! It was kind of spur of the moment, decided just a week in advance. I’ve tried month long or even like, 20-25 day long challenges and I don’t think I’ve ever completed one. I thought there was a good chance I’d do so again, so I gave myself a little help and made my own list of prompts, things I knew I liked and hadn’t done much of yet. And it worked? I actually completed it, what the hell? Despite spending five days travelling near the end! Despite falling behind in getting ahead and writing a bunch of stories the day they were to be posted! Despite apparently forgetting how to do short form!
I, uh, could have done without the spawning of eleven series or sequels or continuations jfc WHY SELF.
Something you learned this year:
Ideas breed ideas. I swear to god, the second I sit down to think through a current idea, I wake up the next morning with three more.
Words need to be restocked. I need to consume new - not rereads, not fic - content every so often to refresh my word bank. It is astonishing how quickly writing goes again after I’ve done so.
I can write so much more than I thought I could. I can do so much more than I thought I could. Yes, I can complete challenges without dropping out early. Yes, I can do exchanges and not regret it. Yes, I can write more than 100k, more than 200k, more and more - and I can write 10k+ easily too. Though I wouldn’t mind if I could once again write less than 10k without feeling like I’ve cut off in the middle.
My time is shrinking, and if I want to write as much, I’m going to have to make the time. I can’t rely on three days off a week, on seven hours of uninterrupted overnight shifts, on hyper focused writing binges that leave everything else around me on fire.
Most memorable comment:
So, so many! I can’t pick one. I’ve been really lucky to get a bunch of really detailed, enthusiastic, analyzing comments across all different fics. One of the types that always sticks with me are the ones like ‘I didn’t think/know I liked this ship/kink/twist, but fuck, apparently I do? You made me, what the hell?’.
What, if anything, are you going to try to do differently in your writing in the new year?
So with writing Gotcha but not posting until it’s done, my view of what I’ve written vs anyone else’s is extremely skewed. I’m sitting here thinking, hey I’m 400k in and got another 10k done today, so much writing! While anyone looking at my AO3 account (for most of the year) is like, you’re averaging three months between fics :(
All that to say I want to try and get something posted more frequently while I’m working on Gotcha.
Also, writing for kinktober was really interesting - pushing myself to write every single day, often for that day’s post, forced me to get back into shorter form fic. Which used to be all I did? But it was surprisingly hard to just stop and not write more. So I’d like to challenge myself to write more fics under 10k at least. Maybe even under 5k though that might be asking a lot lol. I might get there with the many continuations of those fics I’d like to do. Does that count?
Goals:
I want to hit 365 fics. :) I’m only 32 away!
Aside from writing -
I’ve really enjoyed the reading record sideblog I started this year. I’ve let it lapse a little the past month or so, but I’d like to keep it going strong.
I’d like to leave a lot more comments. I want to get better about allowing imperfection - I want to write The Best Comment, but in the end? Probably 90% of fic writers are going to be happier with a comment expressing enjoyment in any way over no comment at all.
And not just on fics, but on general posts as well. It’s hard not to feel… weird and stupid and invasive and rude leaving any sort of comment on someone’s post if I don’t know them at least a little. I have godawful rejection sensitive dysphoria and a lot of interactions that ended poorly; I’m really not good at people. But as dumb as it feels to say those things, I know I am thrilled and warmed and happier when there’s a reblog with tags or a note or a comment or an ask or just, any small interaction that shows someone out there notices and cares, at least a little. There’s no reason I can’t at least try to offer that to other people.
I’d like to make/run a couple challenges of my own, later in the year. I’m still figuring out what I want to do and what I could do. I’m really interested in doing something that’s not focused on creators, but the readers; some sort of comment or rec challenge maybe.
I want to find a cheerleader for Gotcha. I’m struggling to keep up my motivation to write it when it’s already in my head, where I can ‘read’ it any time. There’s a line between depending too much on external validation and trying to generate all your validation yourself, and I’m getting to a point where I think I need to ask for help (gasp! The hardest thing EVER).
*
(Part Two: Pick Some Fics)
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roommate profiles
roommate #1 (dorm): ate in bed and never picked up her clothes even though we had a huge roach problem i was trying to solve. Once i was like hey “theres a Roach crawling up your duvet cover rn” and she was like “AHHH” but then after she got it she went back to eating chips in bed. ok. Did not brush her teeth. Would finish eating and then just roll over and go to bed. nice enough otherwise though
roommate #2 (dorm): Facetimed her boyfriend almost all day long, every day. Boyfriend was still in high school and always sat in front of a giant confederate flag poster. They broke up every night at around 11pm-2am with varying degrees of theatrics and would promise to never speak to each other again. Would wake up the next morning and begin facetiming again. Collected a staggering amount of bath & body works products. Had an entire storage bin full of them, perfumes, lotions, hand sanitizers, etc. Morning routine was sitting at her desk and picking 5-10 of these items to apply at the same time. The smell in the room was always headache inducing. Would not talk to me ever.
roommate #3 (apartment): an actual hoarder. when management came for annual inspections they deemed her room a public health hazard due to the fact that you could not see the floor, every raised surface had a half empty container of soda on it (50+), and had used pads sitting on her bed. Acted like an actual mouse and would pretend to not be home when i knocked on her bedroom door even when I knew she was in there. Would eventually emerge if you kept at it for a few minutes but even then would only pop her head out. Left produce in her drawer in the fridge for so many months that it liquified into soup. refused to clean this. I had to clean it. Ate instant mac and cheese every single night and only used paper plates and plastic utensils. Refused to take the trash out ever, would just leave things on the counter when it was full. Helped her take down dozens of garbage bags full of trash from her room but she did not thank me because I was the one who demanded she clean it. Grad student.
Roommate #4 (apartment): extremely beautiful woman who i thought was my age but later discovered was actually 30. Gave off an appearance of being a functional and refined adult but was actually not. Initially hit it off, was very friendly and wanted to go out to places with me and insisted I try the dinners she made. Randomly adopted a kitten from the SPCA without consulting me or roommate #3 first, then proceeded to neglect it and only feed it rice and whole freezer hamburgers. Cat subsequently became my cat by nature of the fact I was the one who wound up caring for it. Would put food scraps in the side of the sink that didnt have the garbage disposal, clogging it. Would continue to use that side of sink to wash dishes, but the water would not go down. Became disgusting. 8+ inches deep. I would leave sticky notes on the counter asking her to please unclog and drain the sink. she would remove the note without doing so. I had to drain the sink every time with giant rubber cloves pulled up to my elbows. Began to randomly take trips to China for weeks on end with no warning (was from china), without leaving food or litter for the cat. Went through 3 boyfriends in under 6 months, all of whom were extremely stupid individuals. Impulse bought 8 people’s worth of groceries every time she went to the store and would wind up throwing more than half away when it went bad. Took up nearly the whole fridge. Along with roommate #3, refused to take out the trash.
Roommate #5 (apartment): A normal person! Saw very little of her though due to schedule differences and only lived with her for a couple months.
Roommate #6 (apartment) : Probably in her 40s or 50s. Smoked indoors and made all of our stuff smell like tobacco. Would leave full plates of spilled food on the floor. Put a giant candy dispenser in the center of the coffee table. Took over the entire main living area with random junk and candy (I was no longer living there full-time due to COVID, so). Roommate #5 reported to me that she was helping herself to all my canned food when I was gone. Brought extremely skeevy old bf around all the time and let him sleep on the couch in the living area. When she moved out, she stole all of my belongings that were not locked in my bedroom. Everything. even the fucking jug of apple cider vinegar under the sink.
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