#5553 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pesterloglog · 1 year ago

Text

Caliborn, Jane Crocker

Act 6, page 5551-5556

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

uu: CROCKER.

uu: HEY IT'S ME.

uu: REMEMBER ME?

GG: What the?

uu: TUMUT

uu: OOPS NO.

uu: *HOLDS SHIFT.* *NOSTALGICALLY.*

uu: tumut

uu: YESSSS.

GG: Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.

GG: You are the absolute last person I want to hear from right now.

GG: And the bottom of that list is pretty competitive territory at the moment!

uu: DON'T BE LIKE THAT. YOU STUPID EARTH COW.

uu: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS. IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH.

uu: LIKE I'M FLAILING A WITHERED MUMMY'S SEVERED LIMB IN YOUR DIRECTION.

GG: I don't want us to become friends!

GG: We all thought you were gone for good. And we liked it that way!

GG: Please don't tell me you've found a second wind of petty trolling in you.

uu: HEY. I DON'T TROLL.

uu: I *JEER*. GET IT RIGHT.

uu: TROLLING IS FOR LOSERS. LOSERS SPECIFICALLY WHO ARE TROLLS.

GG: Whatever. And what's with the ugly green text?

GG: Reading your malformed sentence fragments was unpleasant enough as it was.

uu: I BORROWED IT FROM MY SISTER.

uu: AND SHUT UP. IT LOOKS GREAT.

uu: AND IS NO UGLIER THAN YOU. WHO I CAN SEE NOW WITH EASE. FOR THE RECORD.

GG: "Whom" you can see, moron.

GG: And no, you can't!

GG: Calliope said you couldn't see us at all in our game session. So I think you're lying!

uu: AM I REALLY.

uu: WHEN RIGHT NOW I AM LOOKING AT A HOMELY FEMALE IN DUMB BLUE PANTS. SULKING IN A GRAY PLACE. TYPING ON A COMPUTER WITH A STRANGE HUMAN FACE?

GG: Oh, dear God.

GG: WHY???

uu: MY POWER HAS GROWN CONSIDERABLY SINCE I LAST JEERED YOU.

uu: I HAVE MADE REMARKABLE STRIDES ON MY SACRED JOURNEY TOWARD IMPORTANT ADULTHOOD.

uu: ON THIS BULLSHIT PLANET. WHICH USED TO BE YOUR HOME.

uu: I HAVE FOUND MANY KEYS. AND UNLOCKED MANY HOLES.

uu: AND NOW I CAN SEE MORE. AND LEARN MORE. THAN YOU COULD EVER FUCKING DREAM!

GG: How wonderful for you.

GG: I don't care how all-seeing and all-powerful you think you are.

GG: If your intent is to waste my time with more of your pitiful bullying, you are out of luck.

GG: Because that is exactly NOT the sort of crap I am in the mood for today.

GG: Toodle-oo!!!

uu: WAIT!

uu: I THINK I GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT.

uu: HOW ABOUT WE. GNAW THAT ONE OFF AND START OVER?

uu: I WAS TRYING TO PAY YOU A COMPLIMENT.

GG: ??

uu: MY PEOPLE AREN'T MEANT TO LIKE ANYBODY. GET IT?

uu: I MEAN, NOT THE WAY HUMANS DO. WE DON'T HAVE THE HUMAN EMOTION CALLED "LOVEKHEKLFSDKF". AND WE SPONTANEOUSLY START MASHING KEYS. WHEN WE ARE FORCED TO EVEN TYPE THE WORD.

uu: ALL OUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE DICTATED BY THE MIRACLE OF HATRED. SO WHEN I USE BAD WORDS TOWARD YOU. THAT'S JUST ME SAYING THINGS TO TRY TO KNOW YOU BETTER.

uu: LIKE. "SOCIALLYUOIPY".

uu: AS A.

uu: *SHUDDER*

uu: A... "FRIENDJISJFDJISJSDKFLDJSDKLJF".

uu: SO WHEN I SAY YOU'RE UGLY. WHICH YOU FACTUALLY ARE.

uu: I MEAN THAT FROM MY PERSPECTIVE. OF BEING NORMAL, AND NOT A SHITTY ALIEN. TO SAY THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY ATTRACTIVE IN AN UNPLEASANT WAY. TO MY BRAIN.

GG: Hrm.

GG: Nope. That makes very little sense.

uu: FUCK. TRY USING YOUR SUPPOSEDLY BETTER SMARTNESS THAN MINE.

uu: AND THINK SOMEWHAT LATERALLY. ABOUT LIKE. FUCKING CULTURE. THAT ISN'T *YOURS*.

uu: YOU DUMB BITCH.

GG: Yes, I see it all too clearly now. You're really quite the charmer!

uu: NO. COME ON. "DUMB BITCH" IS ANOTHER GREAT COMPLIMENT.

uu: IN THE SAME VEIN AS THAT WHICH I JUST DESCRIBED.

uu: IT'S A TERM OF "ENDEARMENKSKLJJF" I USE TO TALK ABOUT GIRLS. WHO IN MY VIEW HAVE MANAGED TO AVOID BEING.

uu: UTTERLY BENEATH MY PERSONAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. THIS ISN'T COMPLICATED.

GG: Uh huh.

GG: So you're actually trying to claim that you find me attractive, from the alleged "bad means good" point of view of your hate-driven species?

uu: DEFINITELY.

uu: I'M NOT JOKING AROUND, CROCKER.

uu: I'VE UNLOCKED A BUNCH OF YOUR SCREENS. AND SPENT A LOT OF TIME WATCHING YOU.

uu: WHILE THINKING. JUST.

uu: THE *DIIIIRTIEST* THOUGHTS.

uu: HEE HEE. HAA.

GG: Eww.

GG: You pig.

uu: THE OTHER FEMALE TOO. LET'S NOT FORGET YOUR SQUAD'S BACKUP BITCH.

uu: HOW NASTY IS SHE?? JUST SO FOUL. AND THE THINGS YOU GET UP TO WITH ONE ANOTHER. OH MY.

uu: NEED I EVEN CITE THE ALTERCATION WITH YOUR PUFFY SLUMBER LOAVES?

GG: Excuse me??

uu: MY COMPLIMENTS IN PARTICULAR. ON YOUR COLORFUL UNDERGARMENTS.

uu: WHILE BOUNCING UP AND DOWN ON THE SOFT HUMAN SARSWAPAGUS.

GG: Oh, that's just great.

GG: The ONE TIME we had a generic girly pillow fight, and it turns out some pervert was watching us.

GG: I think I need a shower.

GG: Assuming I can ever take one again in peace!

uu: DON'T WORRY. YOU CAN'T.

uu: BUT SERIOUSLY. JANE. CAN I CALL YOU JANE? BITCH, LISTEN.

uu: YOU ARE ONE GRODY HARLOT. WHICH MEANS GOOD (BAD) THINGS TO ME, LET'S REMEMBER.

uu: WHEN I UNLOCKED YOU. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'VE CHANGED? OR MAYBE JUST YOU. SINCE YOU TURNED OLDER. BUT YOU'VE REALLY.

uu: FILLED OUT.

uu: SINCE I LAST SAW YOU BEFORE.

GG: What?

GG: ...

GG: Really?

uu: HELL YES.

uu: I DO ENJOY A MEATY BITCH. WITH A LITTLE CLOUT.

GG: What do you mean, exactly...

GG: By "clout?"

uu: OH. I THINK YOU KNOW.

uu: WHEN PHYSICAL PORTIONS OF THE BITCH. KIND OF JUT OUT. EXUBERANTLY.

GG: Do you mean...

GG: My...

GG: Why am I even having this conversation!

uu: I JUST HAVE A WEAK SPOT. FOR THE ABOVE AVERAGE HEFT OF YOUR PARTS. WHICH WOBBLE THE MOST.

uu: NOW DO SOMETHING NAUSEATING FOR ME TO WATCH.

uu: I WANT TO SEE A TAWDRY ACT OF HARD CORE SCHMALTZ.

uu: SEE THAT ROCK OVER THERE. PRETEND IT IS THE OTHER INSOLENT BITCH.

uu: ACT A LITTLE NERVOUS. WITH YOUR IDLE HAND, GRAZE ONE OF YOUR MORE BULBOUS LOCATIONS "INCIDENTALLY".

uu: THEN ASK THE ROCK IF IT WANTS TO FALL IN LOVE!!! OOOOOOOH.

GG: What? No!

GG: Are you insane?

GG: I don't care where you are, or whatever the hell it is you "unlocked" to spy on me.

GG: You aren't allowed to sit there all day leering at my boobs!!!

uu: YOUR WHAT.

GG: My... what?

GG: Wait, what were YOU talking about?

uu: NO. TELL ME WHAT THOSE THINGS YOU SAID ARE. I'M SO ENTICED!

GG: Screw you!

GG: Tell me what you were getting at with all that!!

GG: The stuff about "clout," and my "bulbous locations."

uu: I WAS JUST SAYING. MY TASTE PREFERS.

uu: WHEN THE BUXOM SHREW'S PHYSIQUE PUTS A HEALTHY DENT IN SPACETIME.

GG: Spacetime??

uu: I LIKE HOW SALTY IT IS. WHEN A BITCH GROWS OUT OF HER SKELETAL PHASE.

uu: AND HER FRAME REALLY BEGINS TO CHALLENGE THE HORIZONTAL DIMENSIONS.

GG: WHAT!

uu: WHEN THE FEMALE RUMP STARTS GETTING MORE MILEAGE OUT OF ITS WIDENESS ATTRIBUTE. MORE BANG FOR ITS BOONBUCK!

uu: IT EXCITES ME BETTER. WHEN BITCHES PUNISH THE GROUND. WITH EACH MEGALITHIC FOOTSTEP.

GG: SHUT UP!

GG: I'M NOT FAT!!!

uu: JANE BITCH. I HAVE NEW ORDERS.

uu: YOU WILL STRIP TO THE SCANTY PAIR OF PARTY PANTS AND THE CLOTH CHEST PIECE WHICH YOU WEAR UNDER THOSE PLAIN RAGS.

uu: THEN FIND A NAUGHTY PATCH OF MUD.

uu: AND ROLL AROUND IN THE MUD. LIKE AN EARTH PIG.

uu: FLAUNTING FOR ME. YOUR SLIPPERY AND SWOLLEN PORCINE PHYSICALITY.

uu: AND MAYBE GRUNT SOME DECADENT POEMS THROUGH YOUR SNOUT. ABOUT SOME SHITFACE YOU "ADOREFJSDKLJJF".

uu: OOOOH YES.

uu: THAT WOULD BE.

uu: *WRRRRETCHED!*

GG: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

uu: WAIT! DON'T SHUT ME OUT.

uu: REMEMBER WHAT I SAID. ABOUT OUR DIFFERENT CULTURES OR WHATEVER.

uu: HAVE A FUCKING OPEN MIND, JANE.

uu: I MADE YOU A PRESENT. FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY. WHATEVER THAT ACTUALLY IS.

uu: SEE HOW I'M MAKING AN EFFORT TO UNDERSTAND YOUR CUSTOMS?

uu: MEET ME HALF OF THE GODDAMN WAY.

GG: Oh cripes.

GG: What is it?

uu: A SUBLIME ARTISTIC PORTRAIT.

uu: REMEMBER HOW I SAID MY POWER WAS GROWING WITH EACH DAY.

uu: THIS APPLIES AS WELL TO MY PROWESS AS A DRAFTSMAN.

GG: Oh goodness, no. You poor delusional thing.

GG: I don't care what progress you think you've made. You will never be a good artist, dear.

uu: HORSESHIT.

uu: MY ILLUSTRATION IS STUNNING. IT IS NEARLY A PHOTOGRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF YOUR ODIOUS MILKSHAKE.

uu: NOW PARK THE INDUSTRIAL LOAD OF FREIGHT YOU DECLARE A BOTTOM. AND FEAST YOUR EYES ON MY FUCKING EXCELLENCE!

uu: http://tinyurl.com/JANETHISISYOU

GG: Groan.

uu: I BELIEVE I HAVE CHOSEN THE PERFECT SHAPE FOR YOU.

uu: IT IS DESCRIBED IN CERTAIN CIRCLES KNOWLEDGEABLE OF THE ARTS. AS. "A CIRCLE".

uu: I AM VERY PLEASED WITH HOW FAITHFULLY IT HAS CAPTURED THE OBSCENE ROTUNDITY. OF YOUR MAGNIFICENT CARRIAGE.

uu: TRULY A SPITTING IMAGE OF THE CROCKER BITCH.

uu: NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY. YOU MAY LEARN SOMETHING.

uu: THE MASTERPIECE AFICIONADO WILL NOTICE. HOW I ACHIEVED THIS HIGHLY ADVANCED AND DIFFICULT SHAPE.

uu: WHAT MOST GIFTED ARTISANS WILL TELL YOU. IS THAT. CIRCLES ARE BASICALLY FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO DRAW.

uu: TRUST ME.

uu: IT'S LIKE A PARADOX. A SHAPE WITHOUT ANGLES. WHAT??

uu: SO I FUCKING CHEATED.

uu: I NAVIGATED THE IRRATIONAL PERIMETER BY MAKING A LOT OF EASILY UNDERSTANDABLE, TOTALLY LOGICAL MARKS. FORMING A WHOLE BUNCH OF LITTLE RIGHT ANGLES.

uu: THE CHEATING PART HAPPENS WHEN I DO THIS A LOT. SO IT GOES IN A ROUND DIRECTION.

uu: THIS ONE CAME OUT WELL I THINK. BUT THERE'S ROOM TO IMPROVE.

uu: I HAVE THEORIZED THAT IF I KEEP MAKING BOGUS CIRCLES LIKE THIS.

uu: WHILE DRAWING MORE AND MORE ANGLES. BUT SMALLER. SO SMALL THAT YOU START CAN'T SEEING THEM.

uu: THAT THE ILLUSION OF THE CIRCLE WILL BE COMPLETE! AND PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE IN THE FAKE CIRCLE. LIKE A BUNCH OF SUCKERS.

uu: I BET NOBODY HAS THOUGHT OF THAT CIRCLE STRATEGY. I THINK I'M THE FIRST AT THIS IDEA. AND BEST AT IT ALREADY.

uu: PEOPLE THINK I'M DUMB. ESPECIALLY THE VOICE IN MY HEAD.

uu: AND THEY MAY BE RIGHT ABOUT ME BEING DUMB.

uu: BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THE SPECIAL WAY I DO THINGS. WHICH IS ALWAYS ACTUALLY. THE PERFECT WAY.

uu: I AM.

uu: A GENIUS!

GG: That is the most pointless and incomprehensible load of drivel I have ever read.

GG: Your "portrait" is every bit as abysmal as I was expecting. And for the last time. I AM NOT FAT.

GG: I think your claims of attraction to heavyset women, which you present as "flattery," is an obvious ruse to get me to feel insecure about my appearance, and it isn't going to work!

uu: OINK.

GG: SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE!!!

GG: UGH, THIS BIRTHDAY IS SO AWFUL! I CAN'T STAND IT!

GG: WHY IS EVERYONE TREATING ME LIKE SHIT TODAY?

GG: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!

uu: YOU WERE. WAIT. WHAT'S THE CONJUGATION ASSOCIATED WITH "HUMAN BIRTH"?

uu: IS IT. HUMAN BORTH?

uu: YOU WERE HUMAN BORTH.

GG: SHUT UP!

GG: I'M DONE HUMORING YOUR PERVERTED ADOLESCENT MIND GAMES!

GG: TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED TO CALLIOPE!

GG: CALLIOPE!!!

GG: WE WANT YOU BACK! PLEASE COME BACK AND SPARE US FROM THIS LECHEROUS NINCOMPOOP!

GG: CALLIOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GG: WHY DOESN'T THIS WORK?!

uu: SAYING HER NAME ONLY WAKES HER UP. IF SHE'S ALIVE.

uu: SO YOUR HOG FACE CAN SNORT THE DIRTY SYLLABLES ALL IT WANTS. HELL, I WILL EVEN GIVE YOU A HAND!

uu: CALLIOPE! WAKE UP SIS!

uu: HAA HAA, WHOOPS. SHE CAN'T.

uu: THE BITCH IS DEAD!

GG: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!

uu: NO IT'S TRUE. I GOT SOMEBODY TO STAB HER A LOT.

uu: THEN I STOLE HER BLOOD FOR MY LETTERS.

GG: NO!!! THAT CAN'T BE TRUE! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE EVEN YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING SO TERRIBLE!

uu: JANE BITCH. YOUR PREPOSTEROUS FEMALE EMOTIONS ARE GOING EARTH BANANAS AGAIN.

uu: SETTLE DOWN AND LISTEN TO BOY REASON. DO NOT MAKE ME DEMONSTRATE THE VERACITY OF MY FACTS. YET AGAIN.

uu: THAT SACCHARINE TRAMP IS SUCH A GONER. SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK.

uu: JUST LIKE YOUR DAPPER HUMAN GUARDIAN.

GG: WHAT?? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY FATHER!

GG: WHERE IS HE?

uu: HE'S FUCKING DEAD IS WHERE.

GG: YOU'RE LYING AGAIN!!!

GG: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!

uu: GOD. I'M TRYING TO.

uu: MY FACTS ARE HAVING DIFFICULTY PENETRATING YOUR HYSTERICAL ATTITUDE. LISTEN TO ME VERY CLOSE.

uu: HE WAS CAPTURED BY AN AGENT SOON AFTER YOU BEGAN YOUR QUEST. HE WAS THEN PUT IN JAIL ON DERSE.

GG: Ok...

GG: So he's on Derse, then?

uu: BITCH, YOU AREN'T PAYING ATTENTION. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE PRISON SYSTEM ON DERSE?

uu: IT ISN'T LIKE THE SOFT TIME YOU DO ON PROSPIT. I BET YOU NEVER SPENT ANY TIME IN THE JOKE THEY CALL A SLAMMER THERE. LET ALONE ON DERSE.

GG: And I suppose you have??

uu: I WAS NOT VERY WELL BEHAVED. I DID MORE THAN MY SHARE OF TIME. CHAINED TO THE WALL OF A CELL.

uu: HEE HEE! LIKE I WASN'T SO USED TO THAT. I WAS LIKE. DO YOUR WORST.

uu: AND THEN THEY DID. DERSITES DO NOT TREAT THEIR PRISONERS GOOD. TO SAY THE LEAST!

uu: I WAS ONLY ABLE TO SURVIVE THE BRUTALITY. DUE TO MY EXCEPTIONAL CONSTITUTION. AND EVEN TO SOME EXTENT. MY ABILITY TO ENJOY ANGUISH.

uu: BUT YOUR PATHETIC, FRAIL HUMAN "DAD" IS A DIFFERENT STORY. THERE IS NO DOUBT AT ALL. THAT HE IS DEAD BY NOW!

GG: No. Don't say that. Shut up!

uu: YOU REALLY SHOULD BELIEVE ME. I HAVE UNLOCKED MANY OF HIS SCREENS, JUST LIKE YOURS.

uu: YOU SHOULD SEE HOW THEY TREATED HIM! THE HORROR HE EXPERIENCED MUST BE DIFFICULT FOR A HUMAN GIRL TO IMAGINE.

uu: PERHAPS I SHOULD CAPTURE ONE OF THE VISUALS. AND SHOW YOU FIRST HAND?

GG: YOU BASTARD! I SAID SHUT UP!!!

uu: HIS AGONY WAS MAGNIFICENT. AND VERY LONG LASTING. YOU SEE. HE WAS A VIP.

uu: A VERY IMPORTANT PRISONER. SO THEY GAVE HIM SPECIAL TREATMENT.

uu: UNDER SUCH CRUEL CIRCUMSTANCES. I BELIEVE HE WOULD HAVE TRADED HIS FAVORITE HAT. FOR A SWIFT END TO HIS HILARIOUS SUFFERING!

GG: STOP IT

uu: BUT IT WAS SO WONDERFUL AND GREAT TO WATCH!

uu: BETWEEN YOUR FATHER'S DEMISE. AND HIS DAUGHTER'S EPIC POSTERIOR. LOOMING LARGE ON MY VIDEO DISPLAYS.

uu: I REALLY MUST THANK YOUR ENTIRE "FAMILY". FOR HOURS OF SCANDALOUS ENJOYMENT!

GG: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!

GG: FUCK YOU! HE'S NOT DEAD!

GG: MY DAD'S FINE, I'M NOT FAT, AND I HATE YOU! I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!!!!!!

GG: AND STOP WATCHING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#homestuck #caliborn #jane crocker #homestuck act 6 #page 5551 #page 5552 #page 5553 #page 5554 #page 5555 #page 5556 #homestuck act 6 act 5 #homestuck act 6 act 5 act 1

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