#53 and a good 5 or 6 of these names genuinely shocked me

[justagalwhowrites]

New in Town - Ch. 6: First Make Up

You and Joel come to an understanding. A continuation of New in Town chapters 1-5 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Best Friend's Dad!Joel Miller x Female Reader

CW: Angst. Smut, alcoholism, child neglect (mentioned, not thoroughly described.) No use of Y/N. Age gap (reader is 35 Joel is 47, not a focus of the fic). Minors DNI, 18+ only

Length: 8k

AO3 | First Chapter | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Last Thursday

Shit. 

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. 

Shit. 

“It’s so good to see you!” His smile was broad and looked genuine, not that you really bought it. He hugged you and your arms hung limply at your sides for a moment before you lifted a hand and patted him lightly on the back. “Missed you like crazy!” 

He pulled back from you and looked you up and down. 

“Why don’t you look happy to see me?” 

Because you weren’t. 

“Just shocked,” you said. “What are you doing here?” 

“I can’t just stop by and see you when I’m in town?” He was damn near pouting. You tried not to roll your eyes. He was 53 goddamn years old and he was pouting. But that wasn’t a surprise, you were pretty sure he’d stopped maturing at 18. “You can come see me whenever you’d like, don’t need to call or anything, not that you ever do…” 

“Oh, that’s rich,” you snapped before the glint of the sun off the glass door of your office building caught your eye. The client you were taking to lunch was heading right for the reception desk. You closed your eyes for a second and sighed. “Look, I don’t have time for… whatever it is you’re showing up here about.” 

“I can’t just come to see my best girl?” 

He was all but pouting again. 

“We both know that’s not why you’re here,” you said. “Sit here, in the lobby, until I get back from this meeting. Don’t talk to anyone, don’t touch anything, we can talk about this when I’m done.” 

“You really think I’m going to make that big a mess in, what, an hour?” He raised his eyebrows at you. You glared back. 

“Wouldn’t be the first time. I mean it, Dad. Just… Don’t fuck something up. Please.” 

“Angel,” he took your shoulders in his hands. “It’s going to be different this time. I mean it. Go to your meeting, I’ll be here when you’re done.” 

Different this time. Sure. That was the chorus you’d heard again and again, every three years or so when he popped out of the woodwork and managed to track you down again. This time he had his shit together, this time he had a job he was just about to start, this time he was sober and going to stay that way. And every time he managed to blow at least part of your life up. 

You heard your name being called from reception and you pasted a smile on your face, heading to greet your client, trying not to think about the fact that your dad had managed track you down yet again. 

The lunch went surprisingly well, considering the fact that your brain was busy running through every damn scenario possible for why your dad had decided to show up and every way he could find to fuck your life up this time. 

To his credit, he was sitting on the couch in the lobby, scrolling through his phone when you got back. He didn’t even notice you come in. You went to reception and Norah, the woman working the desk that day, confirmed that he’d sat there quietly for the two hours you were gone. 

You sighed. Maybe he was going to make an effort this time. There was a first time for everything, you supposed. 

“Alright,” you said and he looked up from his phone and smiled. “I have a few more things to take care of today, think you can behave yourself while I work?” 

“You realize you’re the kid and I’m the parent, right?” He asked, getting up. 

“Don’t know why that should start now,” you muttered, leading the way to the elevator. 

He didn’t say anything back. Which you reluctantly gave him credit for. You’d been trying go goad him into it, antagonize him and push him into snapping so you could wash your hands of him. Apparently, he wasn’t going to let you.

You pulled out your phone when you got to your desk, your dad settling into a chair in the corner, pulling out his own phone and silently returning to it. You watched him for a moment. 

To say your relationship with your father was complicated was putting it pretty fucking mildly. He’d never been in your life in any meaningful way. He came and went like the seasons did, eventually even adopting a similar regularity. 

He cropped up every three years or so now and, since the last time you saw him had been before you moved to Seattle, you were due for him showing up and running roughshod over your life. 

In past visits, he’d emptied your bank account, invited some “old friends” over who ended up being random men he’d met at a bar who then trashed your apartment, showed up to an event at your office so drunk that he threw up on another guest. 

Every time, he claimed he wanted to see you. Spend time with his “best girl” (only girl - he had no other children and no woman would have him for longer than a few days), catch up on everything he’d missed when he was busy fucking around, moving from couch to couch until wore out his welcome, burning every bridge at every job he’d ever had. 

No, you didn’t trust your father as you could fucking throw him. And you sure as hell didn’t want him anywhere near Joel. 

That relationship was too new to bring him into the shit show that was your family, the stuff you tried so hard to hide that you all but lied about even having family to begin with. When talking to Joel about it, you’d just shrugged and said “No siblings, my parents have been gone for a while, no other family to speak of.” 

You knew what he’d assume with the word “gone.” The same thing everyone else did: that they were dead. They weren’t. They were very much alive, they were just dead to you. Your mother was in Wisconsin, your father was… wherever the fuck he happened to be at the time. Which, right now, was Austin. In your office. And you had the sickening feeling that, if he actually knew Joel existed, he’d find a way to ruin it. 

You sighed and texted Joel. 

“So sorry, something came up at work. Can’t see you tonight.” 

It technically wasn’t even a lie. Something had come up. And that something had come up at your work. 

It still felt like a lie, though, and it turned your stomach to lie to Joel. Even though you knew the best, safest option was to keep him far, far away from that part of your life. Your phone buzzed. 

“Shit happens. I’ll miss you. Tomorrow night?” 

Fuck, you wanted to be able to see him tomorrow night. Your thumb hovered over the keyboard for a moment. You wanted to be able to say “Yes, absolutely, I’m going to need you to fuck whatever is about to come up with my dad out of my head so I don’t go insane. Also, I think I’m falling in love with you but let’s talk about that later.” 

Instead, you set your phone down again. 

You answered a few emails, sent the details of the potential contract you’d secured with the client at lunch over to that department, reviewed some copy that your team was slated to present to clients early next week. Your dad sat in the chair, not saying a word, just as you asked. You stalled as long as you could before you turned in your desk chair to face him. You put your head in your hands for a moment, pressing your fingers into the hollows over your eyes before you sighed and folded your arms in front of you. 

“Alright,” you said. “What are you doing here.” 

He put his phone down on the small table and smiled a little at you. 

“Meant what I said before,” he said. “Missed you, Angel. Wanted to see you, spend some time with you…” 

“How did you even know where I was?” You cut him off. 

“I called your mom last week,” he said. “She said you’d moved here, that you had some fancy job down this way. She was real proud of you…” 

“So that’s why you’re here?” You asked, brows raised. “Think you can get something out of my ‘fancy job’?” 

“No, Angel, of course not,” he actually looked hurt by it. As though he hadn’t stolen thousands from you just six years ago. “Look, I know that I haven’t been the best father.”

“That’s an understatement.” 

He ignored your comment. 

“But I’m doing better now,” he said. “I really am. I was in prison for a bit…” 

“You what?” You demanded, sitting forward in your seat. “Jesus Christ, Dad, what did you do?” 

“Same shit I usually do,” he smiled a little, sheepishly. “Staying with a friend and I… uh… helped myself to some of the cash they had lying around. They weren’t thrilled with that so they called the cops.” 

“Shit,” you sat back in your chair and closed your eyes for a second, taking a deep breath, before looking at him again. “So what happened, did you have a good attorney?” 

“Nah, just a public defender,” he waved you off. “She was a nice lady but didn’t exactly have much time for my case. I pled out, got myself two years…” 

“You could have called,” you said. “I could have helped you, I went to school with some people who became pretty fucking good attorneys…” 

“I didn’t want to bother you,” he said. 

“Never stopped you before.” 

He ignored that, too. 

“It ended up being good for me,” he said. “A blessing, really. Being inside forced me to actually sober up. For real this time. Haven’t had a drink in 27 months.” 

You raised your eyebrows.

“Good for you,” you said, not even sarcastically. 

“Got my GED too,” he said, sitting up a little straighter. “I know it’s late in life but I want to try and do something right. Get a real job, actually do something with myself. Maybe pay you back, even though I know it won’t make up for all the shit I’ve put you through over… well, your whole life.” 

You nodded slowly. 

“So are you just out or are you on probation?” You asked. 

“Probation,” he said, wincing slightly. “Actually told my probation officer that I’d be staying with my kid…” 

And there it was.

“Jesus Christ,” you muttered. “You can’t just…” 

“I know,” he said. You ignored him. 

“Remember that time, when I was 10 and Aunt Sue dropped me off at your place for what was supposed to be your weekend?” You snapped. “And you and all your buddies were so off your ass drunk and high that I ended up going to a neighbor’s house to see if they had food because I hadn’t eaten in two days? Because I sure fucking do, if you think I owe you something, that I’m going to baby sit you because you knocked my mom up…” 

“I don’t,” he said quickly. “I know that. I do.” 

“Do you?” You asked. “Because it sure seems like you think you can just come in here and fuck up my life on a whim and you think I’m just going to let you!” 

Your email dinged and you sighed, going back to your computer. One of your copywriters had a question about a client and you tried to focus on reviewing the creative brief before responding and going back to your dad. You took a deep, calming breath. 

“What is it you want.” 

“What I’d like,” he said slowly. “Is to stay with you for a little bit while I find a job. It’s OK if you don’t want that, Angel, it really is. But I’d like to get to know you. Actually get to know you. But I’ll call my probation officer and tell him right now that I’m going to need another place to go, it’s OK. He’ll help me figure it out, he’s a good guy. I’m not trying to be your responsibility. It’s a little late to try to be your dad. But I’d like to be something to you.” 

You just looked at him for a moment. He seemed so… genuine. Actually sincere. And he didn’t smell like liquor or look strung out. 

You sighed. 

“Alright,” you said. “You can stay with me for a bit. Just through the weekend to start, no promises after that.” 

He smiled. 

“I’d really like that.” 

You took your dad home with you that night, picking up tacos on the way to your apartment. You’d gotten a two bedroom place, at least. Not because you ever had guests - you never had guests - but because you worked from home sometimes and you wanted the office space. At least the couch you’d bought for that room was a sleeper sofa. 

You texted Joel again while your dad was in the shower, hating that you weren’t going to see him tomorrow, either. But if your dad was actually doing well, actually going to try and be a functional adult you could have a real relationship with, you owed it to him to try. 

Still. 

You didn’t trust him. Not yet. Especially not with something like Joel. 

 It was kind of surreal, having him in your apartment, doing anything but looking for a way to fuck you over. Consciously, you knew that’s not what it had always been. He’d often started with good intentions. You knew he didn’t set out trying to steal from you or embarrass you in front of your coworkers. He just didn’t know how to function in the life you lived. No one from your childhood did. He’d try, for a few days, and then he’d fall back into old habits. 

But this time was different. Or seemed different, at least. You hoped it was different. 

You watched a movie with him - Spaceballs, something he loved to watch with you on the rare occasions he was around enough to do things like watch movies with you when you were a kid - and he told you a bit about everything that had happened in the three years since you’d last seen him. 

For a change, he seemed genuinely interested in what you’d been doing since then, too. He’d never even known that you were in Seattle - something that you found oddly comforting but strange all at once. Strange that this person who made up half of who you were was so distant that he didn’t know where you’d lived two years of your life. That if something had happened to you, he wouldn’t have known. Something had happened to him. You hadn’t known that, either. You weren’t sure if you regretted that or not. 

“I do have to work tomorrow,” you said as you wound down for the evening. “Do you have a plan or anything you need?” 

“Just wanted to look for some jobs,” he said. “If I could use a computer? The phone makes it hard to fill out applications. Don’t think I’ll need to go anywhere.” 

“Sure,” you said, trying not to look surprised. “You can use my laptop, no problem.” 

You set up a profile for him on your computer and made sure yours was password protected. And you reset the password so it couldn’t be something he would know - Joel0926. Just in case. 

Joel texted you before you woke up - “Good morning, Beautiful. Hope your day isn’t too rough and that you’re taking care of yourself.” - and you wanted to tell him everything. All of it, all about your dad, all about where you came from, all about what you’d gone through to make it this far. 

But he liked the person you’d made him think you were. What if he didn’t like this other version of you? What if your dad just took off in a few days and you risked blowing up everything with Joel for nothing? 

 “Thanks,” you wrote back, with a heart emoji. You sighed. He deserved better than this. But you weren’t sure how to give that to him, not right now. 

All day at work, part of you was worried that you’d come home to find your apartment trashed or everything with any value gone with your father nowhere to be found. 

Instead, he was in your kitchen, cursing quietly. You frowned and followed the sound, a slightly burned smell on the air. 

“Dad?” You frowned, setting your tote bag on the counter as he bent over the oven. He jumped a little before straightening. He smiled sheepishly. 

“Hey Angel. How was your day?” 

“Fine,” you said. “What are you doing?” 

“I… well…” he looked down at a glass baking dish that was more blackened than anything else. “I figured you’d probably had a long day and since you’re letting me stay here, thought I’d try to cook and I found a recipe online but I haven’t really cooked before…” 

You went over and looked down into the pan with an almost amused frown. 

“What even is it?” 

“Well… I was gonna try and make a deep dish pizza,” he said. “You like that, I think, right? You went to school in Chicago, right?”

You smiled a little. 

“How about I just order us pizza?” You said, having to swallow past a knot in your throat.  

He looked relieved. 

“Yeah,” he laughed. “Probably smart.” 

You helped him apply for jobs through the weekend and were almost surprised to be settling into a pattern with him early into the next week. It was an odd role reversal, teaching your dad how to function in the real world. The one where people had jobs and bills and didn’t hop from friend’s place to friend’s place instead of having an actual home address. 

But you weren’t confident enough to actually tell Joel any of it. You were still dodging him. Telling him about your dad opened the door to telling him about everything else from your younger years, things you’d worked hard to not have to share with anyone. Next week. If your dad was still around, still keeping his shit together, still trying to be in your life, then you would tell Joel. And, if he still liked you, you’d tell your dad about him. 

Though that seemed like a big if. 

Wednesday, you started questioning things. 

Joel wasn’t texting as much. Not that you blamed him, you’d barely responded to him at all, not sure what to say but not wanting to lie to him. But you missed the texts. They were the bright spot in your day. You missed him. You wanted to go to his house and drag him to his bed and ride him until you were both sweaty and exhausted. You wanted to kiss him in a noisy bar that smelled like stale beer while you were tipsy. You wanted to call him on your way home from work so you could vent to each other and, by the time you came home to him, just hold each other until you had to move to figure out food. 

You missed him because he was the first person you’d been close enough to that you might need to tell them about all of it and that terrified you. So maybe you were looking for problems when you got home after work and found your dad on the couch, watching sports. 

“Hey Angel,” he smiled. 

“Hey,” you sighed, dropping your bag by the door and stepping out of your heels before you flopped on the couch next to him. He hugged you and kissed your check. You frowned. “Have you been drinking?” 

“What?” He laughed, looking at you like you were crazy. 

“You smell like alcohol.” 

“Angel,” he laughed. “It’s 5:30.” 

“So?” 

“No,” he said. “I haven’t been drinking. I did use some Listerine a little while ago, ate some sour cream and onion chips, didn’t want to knock you out with my breath.” 

“OK,” you said, still skeptical. “How was your day?” 

“Good,” he said. “I think I have an interview for next week, can you help me respond to the recruiter? I’m shit at writing things and not sounding like an idiot.” 

“Sure,” you laughed a little. “Do you have job interview clothes?” 

“What d’you mean?” He frowned, looking over at you. 

“I mean you can’t show up to a job interview in jeans and a t-shirt, Dad,” you said. “Do you have like… a button down and khakis at least?” 

“Don’t exactly got much,” he laughed a little. “Sure it’s fine, just a factory job…” 

“We’ll go shopping when I get off work Friday,” you said. “I’ve got a late call with the west coast team tomorrow, I’ll be at the office late.” 

“Honey, I can’t afford…” he began but you cut him off. 

“I can,” you said. “Don’t worry about it.” 

There was a knot of guilt in your stomach after accusing him of drinking, after he was making such an effort. But you checked the levels on your liquor bottles before you went to bed all the same. 

But by Friday, you were feeling good about how things were going. There was a routine in your life, one that involved your father for the first time ever. It looked like he was serious about settling down in the area, applying for jobs and setting up interviews. Besides Wednesday’s blip, things seemed stable and you couldn’t stay away from Joel any more. 

When he texted you Friday morning asking how things were going and if you’d be free again sometime soon, you took a deep breath and texted back. 

“Hoping by Sunday,” you said. 

By Sunday, you’d feel like telling him about your dad and everything else was worth the risk. Unless everything blew up. In which case, who cares. 

You just hoped he’d still be interested, especially after you’d all but blown him off all week.

You took your dad to the mall that night, him modeling the dress pants and button downs for you, coming out of the fitting room looking a little unsure but a small smile on his face all the same. 

“Feel like we should be doing the reverse of this,” he said, putting an arm around your shoulders. “If I’d done what I shoulda done years ago, I could have taken you shopping when you were a teenager and you could have showed me shit like prom dresses and I could buy you something you needed, not the other way around.” 

“Yeah, well,” you shrugged and smiled a little. “I’m just glad we get to do this now.” 

He smiled and kissed your temple. 

“Me too, Angel,” he gave you a squeeze. “Me too.” 

You went by H-E-B on the way home to get a few things for the weekend and started to go grab a bottle of wine and a six pack when you stopped yourself. Your dad laughed a little. 

“Just because I’m not drinking doesn’t mean you can’t drink,” he said. “It’s fine. I can handle it.” 

“You’re sure?” You frowned. 

“I’m sure.” 

So you got the beer and a bottle of red wine - one from the winery Joel had taken you to on your first date, something that made you smile - and got steaks. Getting to see Joel again soon, your dad lining up a job interview, things actually going well between the two of you for the first time in your life. It felt like a reason to make something nice. 

Your dad went to put his new clothes and shoes away while you started dinner and you decided to make yourself a cocktail. It was going to be a good weekend. You could feel it. 

You made a Tom Collins and had just melted butter in your skillet to baste the steaks when you took your first sip. 

It was watery. 

So watery it didn’t taste like there was liquor in it at all. 

Your hand shook as you set the glass down and you went to the liquor cupboard and took out the gin. You sniffed the bottle and smelled almost nothing. No familiar burn or hint of pine. You took a sip straight from the bottle to test it. It didn’t matter that you were putting your lips on it. You knew you wouldn’t need to save it. 

It was water. Straight water. 

You clenched your jaw and swallowed past the burning tightness in your throat. You weren’t about to cry. Not in front of him. 

“Hey Angel,” he said, coming out from his room in sweats. He froze when he saw what was in your hands. “Oh, shit, I…” 

“Thought you were sober,” your voice shook. “Thought you wanted me in your life.” 

“I do, Honey, I really do, but…” 

“But you just couldn’t keep yourself from getting fucked up every day?” You were going to cry. You were going to cry in front of this fucking asshole because you cared. He’d made you actually care, you’d fallen for his bullshit yet again and it was your own goddamn fault. “Jesus Christ, were you really going to go get a job working with heavy equipment and show up every day drunk off your ass until you killed someone?” 

“I know my limits,” he was defensive. “I know what I can handle and sometimes I just work better with a little alcohol in my system, that’s all I’ve been doing, that’s…” 

“This was damn near full when you got here,” you slammed the bottle on your counter. “You’ve been here a week. A fucking week and you drank through an entire fifth of gin, that’s not a little alcohol, Dad, that’s getting hammered every goddamn day.” 

You pulled the pan off the stove and threw it in your sink with too much force before turning off the burner. You leaned against the counter for a moment, your fingers pressed so hard into the granite it seemed like they should be denting it. 

“I want you gone,” you said. 

“Angel…” 

“I mean it,” you spun to face him. “I want you out. I don’t care where you go, I don’t care if you end up back in fucking prison because you lied to your parole officer, I don’t care if you drop dead. I want you gone, I never want to see you again, I want you to get the fuck out of my life.” 

You shoved past him and went to your room, locking the door behind you. You curled up on your bed and let yourself cry. 

You wished your father had never found you here. You wished you’d been smart enough to not fall for his shit this time around, You wished you didn’t want a connection with him, want just a shadow of what Sarah had with Joel because being on your own in the world with no ties to anything hurt almost as much as suffering your family’s bullshit did. 

But, most of all, you wished Joel was here. You wished you could curl up against him and that he would hold you while you cried. You wished he’d tell you that you weren’t fucking stupid, that it made sense that you wanted a relationship with the man who’d done nothing but fuck you over your entire life, that everything was going to be OK and that he cared about you in spite of it all. 

You heard your front door close and you stayed on the bed, hoping that he’d actually listen to you and not come back. You’d need to get the locks changed, check the browser history on your laptop to see if he’d gotten into any of your bank accounts or credit cards, look through your apartment and make sure he hadn’t stashed drugs somewhere and forgotten about them. Fuck, why had you been so stupid? 

The sound of the crash outside jerked you out of your head. It was loud enough that the building shook a little, the endless horn after the crash impossible to ignore, and you got up, going for your front door. 

Outside, outlined by the setting sun, was your car wrapped around a lamp post. 

“Dad!” You yelled, running for the smoking heap of metal. He was slumped over the steering wheel and you ripped the door open, checking his pulse. His eyes fluttered open as you did, looking confused. 

“What…” 

“You decided to steal my car this time,” you said. 

“Oh, shit, I…” 

“Save it,” you snapped as a neighbor ran outside, cell phone pressed to her ear. 

You ended up at the hospital with him most of the night. By the time the police were able to test him for alcohol, it was all out of his system. He hadn’t had a drink since you’d picked him up to go to the mall that evening. You weren’t sure if you should be grateful or if you wished he’d failed the test so he’d end up back in prison and far away from you. 

He was mostly fine, just a little banged up and a broken nose from the airbag. Your car was totaled. 

In the back of the Uber to your place after hours in the ER, you looked at him. 

“You’re gone,” you said. “By noon. Otherwise, I call the cops and you can deal with them.” 

He just nodded down at his hands. 

The next morning, you ordered him an Uber to the bus station. He tried to talk to you but you just sat on the couch, holding your coffee cup, pretending you were alone. 

“I know I fucked it all up,” he said, standing in your doorway “But I really did like spending time with you this week. I…” 

Your phone dinged, saying the driver had arrived. 

“Your ride is here,” you said, not bothering to look at him. 

“OK.” 

He stood there and you felt his eyes on you for another moment before he turned and left. You sank back into your couch and rested your forehead in your hand for a moment, trying not to cry. Again. Because fuck, this man did not deserve it. 

And then there was the knock on your door. 

“Are you fucking kidding me,” you set your mug down so hard that coffee sloshed over the side and onto the table. You stalked toward the door, cell phone in your hand. You were going to call the cops on him this time, you really fucking were. “I swear to God if you forgot something you’re not coming back in…”

But it wasn’t your dad standing there. 

“Joel,” you fought the urge to throw your arms around his neck and cry against him. He didn’t really look like himself, he looked upset. Hurt, angry, something. You frowned. “What are you…” 

“Can I come in?” His voice was strained. You just nodded. “Think we need to talk.” 

*** 

Your place looked the same. 

It was strange, almost. Like there should be some indication of this other man here, something different about it but it was the same. 

“Can I get you anything?” You asked. Your voice was thick. “I have coffee…” 

“No thanks,” he said. “Don’t know how long I’ll be stayin’.” 

“Oh,” you deflated a little. “Alright… What did you want to talk about? Because…” 

“I thought we were on the same page,” he said, cutting you off again. He felt like a dick doing it but he had to get this out, if he didn’t it felt like he was going to burst with it and if he stood here too close to you for too long he wouldn’t do it. He’d just kiss you and wind up in your bed and be stuck in this sickening limbo he’d been trapped in for a week now. “I really did. We never talked about it, not really, but I thought…” 

“I thought we were, too,” you frowned, looking confused. “I don’t…” 

“You said you deleted your dating apps,” Joel said, his voice becoming a little heated. He took a breath. “You said you weren’t fucking anyone else, sure made it sound like you weren’t lookin’ for anything else, like you wanted to actually see where this would go, what this could be and… fuck, I believed that! 

“You made me think it was OK to feel something for you,” he pressed on, standing in your living room with you in front of him, your arms crossed over your body and you looked so small, curving in on yourself like you were trying to disappear. And so much of him wanted to just grab you and hold you and tell you that everything was going to be OK but how could he promise that if you couldn’t even fucking agree on what you were to each other. “So I let myself feel it, I let myself start to fall in love with you and then you go fuckin’ silent on me. You don’t text me first and what you do send is basically nothin’, you never call and then I see you at the mall after you tell me you’re too busy to see me with some guy wrapped around you and that same fuckin’ guy is leavin’ your apartment this morning! I mean, fuck, if I was just some damn fling for you that’s fine but could you at least tell me? Not act like I meant somethin’ to ya?” 

Joel was out of breath, his hands on his hips. He couldn’t look at you, not when you looked so sad it was like someone had hit you and he was still so mad, anyway. 

“That was my dad,” you said softly. 

Joel looked at you. 

“What?” 

“The man,” you closed your eyes for a second before you took a deep breath and opened them again. “At the mall, last night. Leaving my place this morning. That was my dad.” 

“You said your parents were dead.” 

“No,” you shook your head. “I said they were gone and they are, from my life. Except when my dad pulls this stunt where he crawls out of the woodwork every few years.” 

He just stood there, staring at you for a moment. 

“Want to sit down?” 

He nodded and followed you to the couch. He sat down first and you sat on the opposite end of it, as far away from him as you could be. 

“You knew I thought they were dead,” he said slowly. You nodded. “Why.” 

“Joel…” 

“You have to help me understand this, Beautiful,” his voice was calmer now. “Why would you let me believe a lie, I don’t…” 

“Because I’m trash, OK? I’m trash, Joel, that’s why,” you snapped. 

He frowned, shaking his head. 

“You’re not…” 

“Yes, I am,” you said, voice calmer. “Trailer trash, if you want to get technical about it, since I grew up in one. My dad knocked my mom up when she was 15 and he was 17, they were 15 and 18 when I was born. He took off right away and I grew up with my mom and one of her sisters because she was the only person in the family who didn’t disown my mother for getting pregnant at 15 and letting the dad run off. 

“They were shit parents. It’s not really their fault, they were kids, they didn’t know what they were doing but they were really bad at it. I started taking care of myself before I can really remember, I couldn’t rely on anybody. My dad was in and out of my life even then, he decided real quick that his fucking friends and alcohol and drugs were way more important than I ever was. I tried, for a long time, to matter to him. To both of them, really. But I couldn’t so… 

“I figured out that the only hope I had for not ending up like them was school. So I buckled down and did everything I could to be the best fucking student I could be. I took every AP class I could so I could get all the college credit I could manage before leaving high school, I got As in everything and I managed to get into a really good school.” 

You squared your jaw, determined, and kept going. 

“But good schools aren’t cheap and I had scholarships but they didn’t cover everything and it’s not like my parents were good for any of it. I didn’t want to take out loans. So I did the only thing I could find that would pay for the rest of school and pay the rent while letting me be free for classes during the day and I danced all four fucking years I was in school.” 

“Danced?” Joel frowned. 

You rolled your eyes. 

“I was a stripper, Joel,” you said. “I’m not ashamed of it, it kept me fed and out of debt, but I’m not about to put it on my fucking LinkedIn. And it’s because they were there for none of it, they didn’t do a damn thing to help me or support me or anything but every few years my dad shows up and finds new ways to fuck me over. He wiped out my savings account once, trashed my apartment with his buddies another time. This visit he had a pretty good con going, showed up to my office acting like he had his shit together when, really, he was doing the same fucking thing he always does, which is drink and fuck his life up. And when I found out, he stole my fucking car and wrapped it around a lamp post. Because he’s trash and I am, too…” 

“No, you’re not,” Joel said firmly. 

“Joel…” 

“You’re not,” he said. You were looking at him like you were about to cry. It made his chest hurt. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this? Why didn’t I know any of this?” 

“Because everything that I am now?” You said. “Everything that you know and like about me? That’s all invented, I made it all up. I had to build myself from the ground up after I got away from that life. You liked the me that I built, Joel. The me who reads classic books and has an understanding of film theory and went to Northwestern. Why on Earth would you like the version of me who knew how to make ramen when she was four because that’s what she could reach in the cupboard or the me who took her clothes off to pay for college?” 

“Because I like you,” he said gently. “Don’t really care which version, so long as you’ll let me spend time with you.” 

All the hurt and the anger that had been swallowing him was gone now. In its place was this need to take care of you, to be something constant in your life in a way no one had been for you before, in a way you so desperately deserved. 

You shook your head. 

“That’s sweet, Joel,” you were choked up, eyes watery. “Really, it is, but you don’t mean that.” 

“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t mean,” he moved to the middle cushion of the couch. “The person you are now? The one who laughs at crappy movies with me and doesn’t know shit about wine and finds the best restaurants in town? She wouldn’t exist without the girl who had to figure out how to feed herself or the young woman who was so determined to get an education she worked her ass off to make it happen.

“I wasn’t jokin’ when I said I was falling in love with you, baby, and that means all of you. Even the parts you don’t like, even the parts I don’t know yet. I’m fallin’ for the whole package and I’m fallin’ pretty hard so I’m really hoping we’re on the same page on that.” 

You nodded quickly, tears actually falling now. 

“Yeah,” you said, still nodding. “Yeah, we are. We really fucking are.” 

You threw your arms around his neck and he pulled you against him, your face going into his chest as you cried against him. 

“I’m so sorry,” your voice was muffled by his shirt. “I should have just called you and talked to you, I was so scared of losing this, losing you, I just hid it all and I almost let him ruin the best thing that’s happened to me in so long and…” 

He shushed you.

“Don’t apologize,” his hand made a slow, gentle pattern from the crown of your head down your back, smoothing your hair down, tracing over your spine. “I’m sorry for assuming the worst, I’m sorry for making you think that anything about you would make me want to leave. I’m sorry for not just tellin’ you what you mean to me.” 

“Yeah?” You sniffed a little, pressed yourself closer to him. 

He kissed the top of your head. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Because if I’d just told you how I felt about you, you wouldn’t have been dealing with all this on your own. I could have helped. I want to help. So please, Beautiful. Let me help.” 

You looked up at him from your place against his chest. 

“Can you just hold me for a while?” You asked quietly. “I really missed you.” 

He kissed your forehead. 

“Of course, baby,” he said quietly. “I really missed you, too. So damn much.” 

You shifted so that you were all but on his lap and he held you close, just feeling you against him. It hurt to think about you so many years ago, having to go through shit on your own because none of the adults in your life stepped up to take care of you. It was hard to not picture Sarah as a little girl, what she would have looked like trying to fend for herself when she was four or five.  

It hurt, too, to realize that you’d been so alone this past week. That he’d been thinking about you and wanting to see you but hadn’t been someone safe for you to come to. He kissed the top of your head again, making a silent promise to himself that he’d never let you feel that way again. That he’d always be the person you came to first, with anything, even if all he could do was hold you through it. He wasn’t going to let you do it all alone, not anymore, not again. 

Your tears eased and you adjusted, nuzzling against him, your nose trailing over his throat. 

“Feeling better?” He asked quietly. 

“Yeah,” you nodded against him and pressed a long, gentle kiss to his neck. “Yeah, I am…” 

You kissed his neck again, your lips against his skin for a few seconds, your breath warm and soft. He groaned a little. 

“Don’t know if that’s such a great idea, Beautiful,” he pulled you back from him slightly and you frowned, your brows knitting together. 

“Why not?” 

“Just…” he adjusted himself so you wouldn’t see him starting to harden in his jeans. “Sounds like you’ve had a hell of a week and…” 

“But I want to,” you separated from him enough to pull your top up and over your head, casting it aside on the floor and leaving you in a lace bralette. “Please, Joel…” 

He wasn’t about to argue too much. He nudged you back on the couch so he could pull your pants and underwear off before he pulled his own down. Before he could even get them fully off you were on his lap, straddling him and pulling at his shirt until it was over his head and on the floor. 

Joel slipped his hands to your waist and slid them slowly, gently over your skin, exploring you, feeling you, until he reached the bralette. He pulled that up and over your head before tossing it to the ground and leaving you bare before him. 

“Fuck, beautiful,” he breathed, looking you over before kissing you deeply, his tongue teasing into your lips. “I missed you.”

“Missed you too,” you started grinding slowly against his lap, your wet slit brushing against his cock and making him shudder with desire. “Fuck, I wanted to talk with you so bad this week, Joel. You were all I really wanted and…” 

“You’ve got me,” he said quietly, kissing you again. “Don’t have to do it all alone ever again, Beautiful. Promise you don’t.” 

You nodded and squeezed your eyes shut for a moment before you rose up enough to notch his head against your dripping, grasping entrance. You dropped your forehead to his and your eyes met his own as you slowly, surely, sank onto his cock. 

He moaned as you took him completely, fighting to take deep, steady breaths. You felt so damn good around him and he couldn’t help but look down to see where the two of you were joined, his cock disappearing into you. The sight of you taking him into yourself, the way your body made room for him, how you felt around him made him acutely aware of just how close he was to you. He was a part of you like this and it felt like this was how it was supposed to be, you and him together. 

His hands ranged over you, up your back to pull you tightly to him and you gave a ragged, desperate little gasp. 

“I’ve got you, Beautiful,” he held you tightly to him as you held him inside yourself. “I’ve always got you.” 

You started to move over him then, every thrust of your hips delicious and slow, like you were savoring how he felt. You started to tighten around him and he groaned a little. 

“Missed you, Joel,” you breathed, your pace increasing. “So, so much.” 

You rode him and he was so lost in you he wasn’t sure how long he was clutching you to him, he was too far gone to notice. All he knew in the world was that you were his, that he could feel you so close it almost hurt, that he always wanted to be able to be with you like this. 

“I’m gonna come,” you panted, pressing yourself flush against him, dropping your head to his shoulder. “Fuck, Joel, you feel… I’m gonna come I can’t…” 

“Come on, baby,” he pressed his fingers into your flesh. “I’ve got you, I’ve always got you, want you to come for me. Come on my cock, baby, want to feel you, let me feel you.” 

You came with a strangled cry and stilled as your pussy fluttered around him. He fucked you through it, thrusting up into you three more times before the force of your orgasm was too much and he pushed himself in deep, moaning as he filled you. 

He held you like that, your bodies joined and aligned, for a while. Eventually, he relaxed his hold on you and you sat up a little, his cock softening within you. He reached a hand up and threaded his fingers in your hair, his palm against your cheek. 

“Next time somethin’ happens, how about we just talk it out,” he smiled a little. “Like this a whole lot more than not seeing you.” 

You laughed a little. 

“Yeah, Joel,” you smiled. “Next time, we’ll talk.” 

Next Chapter

A/N: Soooooooooo

I felt kinda bad leaving that cliffhanger out there two weeks in a row BUT now we have them on the same page :D and stuff is out there :D :D and they can move on to figuring out whether or not to tell Sarah :D :D :D

Don't forget that you can follow me and subscribe on my updates blog where I'll only reblog each new chapter once so you're not spammed.

I hope you all enjoyed this angsty little interlude in this story. I know I did! Thanks for being here <3 Love you!

Taglist: @fanficismydrug

[latveriansnailmail]

Favorite Movies as of 2021

Subject to updating because surely I’ve missed a few. This is not supposed to be a list of meritorious films but rather just a list of movies I genuinely enjoy. It runs from Shakespeare to Bill & Ted with heavy doses of 80s fantasy, superhero schlock, and pretty much anything with Kurt Russell in it. Enjoy.

1- Harvey No contest, my favorite of all time.

2- Big Trouble in Little China It’s always a great joy to introduce a new viewer to this film.

3- Flash Gordon (1980) In which they totally lean into the camp and low budget.

4- The Thing I watch this annually upon the first major snowfall.

5- Titus (Taymor) One winter break Titus would be on one of the movie channels each day when I woke up, so I watched it daily for a month and it didn’t get old.

6- Death to Smoochy “Are you alright?” “I’m a little fucked up in general so it’s hard to gauge.”

7- Blade Runner (The Final Cut) So there’s this dude Deckard and he hunts robots but it turns out HE’S a robot, oh so very clever, little film

8- Tombstone I recently learned that Kurt Russell directed this film in all but name.

9- The Dark Crystal Immersive fantasy, though I’m sure it appears plain, drab, and simple now after the Netflix prequel.

10- Somewhere in Time I’m a romantic, I guess. Thus all the John Carpenter movies.

11- Grosse Pointe Blank So good, I used to think I liked John Cusack.

12- The Producers (musical) You heard me. Wilder and Mostel were great but the musical version had decades to mill over and expand the premise.

13- To Be or Not To Be (Brooks) Surprisingly suspenseful.

14- The 13th Warrior Saw it again recently and it holds up. Horror, only it happens to viking warriors who would rather chop the horror down than run.

15- The Mighty Thor I mean, Black Panther is objectively the best of the lot but subjectively this is my personal favorite superhero flick. I must have seen it a half a dozen times at least.

16- Lost Boys A billion Chinese can’t be wrong.

17- Die Hard A Christmas tradition. As a postman, it’s cathartic for me to watch Christmas get blown up a little before all the hugging and sentiment.

18- The Blues Brothers Deadpan hilarity cut with performances by legends of blues and soul.

19- The Sting The best heist film. It keeps you guessing until the very end and no twist feels arbitrary or leaves a hole.

20- Interview with the Vampire Fun fact, I looked like Pitt’s Louis when I was a young man in the goth scene.

21- Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure “Be excellent to each other!” “Party on, dudes!” *air guitar*

22- The Seventh Seal See? This list has its high points.

23- Revolutionary Girl Utena Note: Read the entire manga, watch the entire anime series, and read Adolescence of Utena BEFORE watching this or you’ll be left confused. Dazzled but confused.

24- The Nightmare Before Christmas So good I got the tarot deck.

25- The Last Unicorn It’s still a damn shame they never made that live action remake. Christopher Lee was set to reprise King Haggard.

26- Chasing Amy Honestly changed my life.

27- Excalibur It’s weird though how they’re always in armor. Wedding? Armor. Dinner? Armor. Deathbed? Armor.

28- Ginger Snaps A cut above any other werewolf movie I’ve seen.

29- Top Secret! My sense of humor distilled.

30- Clash of the Titans (Harryhousen) Yeah it’s dry but then there’s the monsters.

31- Monty Python’s the Meaning of Life People are not wearing enough hats.

32- Shadow of the Vampire Nosferatu nearly made this list but it’s hard to pinpoint a definitive cut. Try instead this film about the making of Nosferatu with an actual vampire as the vampire.

33- Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust Look, we as a culture had the unfortunate experience of Twilight. This is the same premise but actually good.

34- The Last Supper This film challenged and changed me as a young man more so than any other work of art.

35- The Princess Bride The perfect film, but I’ve seen it so much it’s down at 35 now.

36- Blazing Saddles What can I as a white guy say? Just watch the movie.

37- Streets of Fire Always suspicious to me how Final Fight premiered within a year of this movie.

38- Gremlins More Christmas havok. Yum?

39- The Beastmaster Forgotten and underappreciated.

40- Ladyhawke A thing of beauty.

41- Willow C’mon. It’s Willow. I have nothing to justify here.

42- Speed Racer I know you heard it’s bad but hear me out: it is the strongest narrative I’ve ever seen on film and it’s exactly the way you played with your toy cars when you were little.

43- Angelheart You’re supposed to know that de Niro is Lucifer. The rest is mystery and the final reveal set up a trope that’s been done into the ground nowadays.

44- The Hunger More atmosphere than plot, but hey, vampire Bowie!

45- Zoolander My partner’s favorite.

46- Faust (Murnau) You will be shocked to see what was possible to achieve in film in 1926.

47- A Muppet Christmas Carol but a cut that includes the fiance’s song This finishes out my traditional Christmas films.

48- Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein Y’know, I’ve got two Branagh films on here and neither are what you would expect given his catalog. The other one’s Thor for crying out loud.

49- Highlander I noticed in recent editions of Vampire: the Masquerade that it’s still possible in that game to hide a katana in a trenchcoat. This movie is why.

50- The Name of the Rose One of only a few instances where I prefer the film to the book. That book loooooong.

51- Robocop (1987) Of all the damn science fiction, why must we be in Robocop?

52- The Prophecy Now we’re getting into films I demoted since the last time I updated this list. This film’s a slow burn unless you get turned up for angels and Christopher Walken like I do.

53- The Warriors Would be higher if the opening wasn’t so slow.

54- Legend Tim Curry kills it as Darkness.

55- Black Panther Objectively the best superhero movie and the Academy backs me on that one.

56- Wonder Woman I do wish they’d trot out Vandal Savage as a Wonder Woman villain.

57- Captain America: The Winter Soldier Just rewatched this one earlier! It is heavily marked by the height of the War on Terror.

58- Blade The ancestor of all modern superhero movies and a solid vampire flick to boot.

59- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Nostalgic for me? Maybe, but I hold that this is the first comic film worth a damn because they stuck with the comics when they wrote it.

60- Captain America: the First Avenger This movie is a real test of character. If someone doesn’t like Cap it’s because they think goodness is unrealistic.

61- Four Rooms Really just rooms 3 and 4.

62- Reservoir Dogs Hey, two Tim Roth films in a row!

63- Event Horizon Do you see?

64- What Dreams May Come Kind of an emotional ringer, especially after William’s death.

65- Monty Python and the Holy Grail Have I watched it into the ground? Yes. Is it still hilarious? Yes, and it gets funnier the more you study Arthurian myth.

66- Pulp Fiction I’m kinda over this now.

67- The Crow People who liked the comic passionately disagree with me but I still like this one.

68- Akira Still.

69- Ghost in the Shell Still, though the farther you get from 13 the less titties you need in your art.

70- Beetlejuice Why not? Let's just tack this on there.

Honorable Mentions:

Fight Club A suburb film but one I grew out of, as should everyone. If you meet a man who’s passionate about Fight Club, run!

American Psycho Ditto. I grew out of this but it’s still excellent.

What’s Eating Gilbert Grape A horrible caricature of my brother’s life. I don’t get along with my brother any more.

Rocky Horror Picture Show Not actually a good film if you watch it straight with no commentary. Still, it’s a cornerstone of queer culture.

Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2 Of all the superhero films, this is the one that resonated with me the most. I was in a weird place at the time. It still resonates with me now because I’m a foster dad.

[yeaahishowedupatyourparty]

Zara’s Truth Booth.♥️ You can read this as OOC or an IC interview, I really don’t mind!

GENERAL QUESTIONS 1. Please state your full name: “Zara Belle Calloway.”
2. Does your name(s) have any kind of meaning? If so, what is it?: “I’ve literally never asked and I doubt there’s much thought behind it. By the fourth child, you probably just pick a page in the baby name book and go with it.” 
3. Do you have any nicknames?: “No - I refuse to accept Zar or Z.” 
4. Where were you born? And in which country?: “I was born in South Kensington, London…England.”
5. What is your date of birth?: “13th of December 2001.” 
6. Of course, the following question; what is your Zodiac sign? “Sagittarius.” 
7. Do you believe in Zodiac signs? “I think so? I relate more to my moon sigh, though - a Cancer.”
8. Where do you live? “Lilac Heights…Violet Springs. In the most beautiful house. I love it.”
9. What is your home situation like? (ex. do you live with your family? Your partner etc.?) “I live in my own house, most of the time. Sometimes with Danny, sometimes without - hopefully more with in the future. I do go back to the hotel sometimes too, in London. Not as much.” 
10. Do you have any siblings? “Three older sisters…Yeah.” 
11. Do you have any kind of allergies? “Fish, which is just as well. I don’t like it.” 
12. Do you own any pets? If so, what kind of pets are they? “I have two dogs; Pumpkin and Tank.”
13. Why did you apply to St Jude’s? “To build up my career, I guess.”
14. Did you had to go through a lot audition rounds? “Not really. I already had three sisters here and also a lot of work I’d done myself by the time I got to eighteen. I did one round of auditions which I’m proud of.” 
15. What is the current course you’re following? “Acting and Directing.” 
16. If you can switch courses, which one would you switch to and why? “I wouldn’t, I’m fully dedicated to this career I have now.” 
17. What is your proudest project you’ve done? “Euphoria, easily. I wrote it, I directed every episode, I casted it, I bought it all to life and helped develop the characters. It will always be my baby and I’m so happy with how it was received.” 
18. What is the proudest project that someone’s else has done? “Singular Act I. That’s my baby…Or Little Women, that’s my other baby.”
19. Do you like FanCons? “I love FanCons.”
20. What do you like about FanCons? “Meeting the fans! It never gets old and they’re always so enthusiastic and kind. It reminds me how lucky I am, for sure. There’re some I know by name now and I’m more excited to see them than them me.” 
21. What don’t you like about FanCons? “The competition? Does that make sense. It shouldn’t matter who loves who more…I feel like on the fans part it can get quite aggressive when really they’re all there for the same reason.” 
22. A fan memory that always stuck with you? Can be positive or negative. “I feel like I’ve been put on the spot! I don’t know…” 
23. Your favorite event so far? “I loved the Summer FanCon Tour. That was so amazing.” 
24. What kind of event would you like to see in the future? “More events where we get to be silly - fundraisers and challenges. Sometimes it gets too competitive or serious with the award based ones, or talent based ones.” 
25. Would you recommend St Jude’s to friends, family. etc? “For sure.” PERSONALITY QUESTIONS 26. What are your positive traits? “I hate this question, don’t make me answer that.”
27. What are you negative traits? “I’m probably a little too hot-headed and emotional.”
28. What would other people describe you as? “…I don’t know.”
29. What are your pet peeves? “Being spoken to like an idiot, or like I don’t understand things. I’m not silly or incapable at all.” 
30. What makes you happy? “My friends.”
31. What makes you upset? “Oh, anything! But mainly seeing people down on themselves.”
32. What is something you love? “When somebody is so comfortable with you, that they open up and talk about all of their passions. I love when people are talking about what they love in general.”
33. What is something you dislike? “People who behave like they’ve never made a mistake and don’t let others move on from theirs.”
34. What are you strengths? “Again, I hate answering questions like this…Maybe that I’m good at - eventually - admitting when I’m wrong? Or, a good listener?” 
35. What are you weaknesses? “Anything with chocolate on or in it. I’m a simple person.”
36. A misconception people often think of you? “I know a lot of people think that I’m maybe like, how do I put it nicely? A home-wrecker…or, promiscuous, I guess? I’m not. I’ve had maybe 3 boyfriends in my whole life and I’m 20.” 
37. Do you have any fears? “I’m really scared of being alone - like literally and on a deeper level.”
38. What scares you the most? “Deep open water. Yikes.” 
39. What do you do to entertain yourself? “I don’t - I seek out the closest person to annoy until they entertain me.”
40. What is your MBTI? “I’m an INFJ. Most people are shocked at the I part.” 
41. How do you deal with stress? “Cry. Or eat. Or both.” 
42. Are you a determined person? Are you a stubborn person? “To an extent, I’d say so.”
43. Do you consider yourself selfish? “No…”
44. Would you like to be different? “I guess so…Sometimes I wish I was more likeable because I get the sense people aren’t that fond of me.” 
45. Are you more introverted (focused on your inner world) or more extraverted (focused on other people and the outer world)? “Introverted.” ROMANCE QUESTIONS 46. What is your sexual orientation? “I’m bisexual.”
47. Current relationship status? “Taken…Happily.”
48. When was your first kiss? “It was for a random television series and I was like 14. My first real kiss though was only a year and a bit ago.”
49. Do you remember your first date? If so, with who was it? What did you do? “I don’t remember it. Oops.” 
50. Have you ever experienced heart-break? “Yes. Not necessarily through a break-up.” 
51. Have you ever been in love? (If yes, skip to question 53) “Yes.” 
52. If no, how so? 
53. How do you know when you’re in love? “For me, everything becomes about that person. Even songs that I listened to long before I knew someone, or films I watched way before I knew they existed, I manage to tie everything back to one specific person. And, I’m definitely not a subtle person either - I think if I’m in love with someone, they’ll know before I do if they’re observant.”
54. What would be your ideal date? “I always feel like it’s more a question of who; I’d rather do something really simple like staying at home, cooking and watching a movie with someone I’m really comfortable with and like…Instead of going somewhere really extravagant with somebody I know who’ll make me uncomfortable.” 
55. What is your perspective on marriage? “It’s not the ultimate declaration of love. There are plenty of married people who aren’t in love anymore…And if you look into the roots of it, it’s kind of…messed up? I don’t know. It’s nice but not necessary.” 
56. (only for non-virgins) Are you a sub, dom or switch? “…I feel like I can switch it up. It depends on whatever the person I’m with prefers?”
57. What do you think of relationships? “I’m conflicted because there is so much more to life, but I’m not anti-relationship, obviously. I feel like they’d be better and more enjoyable if there wasn’t such a pressure on people to have been in a relationship before a certain age. If you’ve not found the one at 55, why is that so bad?” 
58. What do you think of one-night stands? “I’ve had them. They’re not for everyone, though.”
59. Are you still a virgin? “No.” 
60. Most attractive trait in a different person? “Patience. Especially if I’m talking about specifically attractive to me - I tend to jump to conclusions and get sad or mad or annoyed really quickly. So, people who bear with me, that’s attractive.”
61. What matters most to you when it comes to a relationship? “Genuine chemistry. As soon as that goes, nothing else really matters. Like, if there’s no chemistry for one person but loyalty is there - it almost feels like a job.” 
62. Are you comfortable with PDA? Or would you be comfortable with PDA? “Yeah.” 
63. Are you more of a type to be asked out or the type to ask the other out? “A bit of both. I think I’m probably bold enough to ask people out but it is nice to be asked.”
64. How do you express love to the other? “Pay attention to what they say, make sure they’re happy, tell them everything…Kiss them, cling on to them…Become painfully annoying until they can’t stand it. It’s a cycle.” 
65. Who is your celebrity crush? “Danny. My boyfriend. I don’t even care that it’s the cliche answer, haha.” GETTING DEEP QUESTIONS 66. Do you regret anything? “…Yes.”
67. Is there something you woule like to re-do? So, start all over again? “Yes.”
68. What is something you would never share with anyone? “For sure…I’m uncomfortable!” 
69. When was the last time you cried? Why did you cry? “…I’m trying to think, maybe a week ago or so? I just felt down and missed somebody.”
70. Most memorable event that happened in your time in St Judes? This could be anything: “That’s really tricky! I’m not sure, to be honest. I wasn’t here when all of the crazy stuff went down, like the cruise ship? I’m really unsure.”
71. One thing you wish you could do all over? “My childhood…but with my 20 year old mind.”
72. Someone you miss? “I’d rather not.” 
73. Something you wish you could forget? “I don’t like these questions.” 
74. Who has the biggest impact on you? “Probably my family - not necessarily in a good way.”
75. What is your perspective on love? Is it beautiful? Does it scare you? “It’s beautiful and being loved is the best feeling in the world, I’d be lying if I said I don’t crave it.” 
76. What has hurt you in the past that you don’t want others to go through? “Losing somebody that is like, your other half. Or actually, losing somebody you really love without much explanation at all. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”
77. What is something you have gained, something you have lost and something you let go of during the past year? “I’ve gained…more self-esteem, I’ve lost a lot of time I’m not going to get back - I think and I’ve let go of some trust issues, I think.”
78. Have you ever lost a friend? do you wish you would still be friends? “I have. I lost a friend because she dated my ex after claiming they were just friends - I don’t because it hurt and all she had to do was be honest.”
79. Do you have any triggers? What is the history behind these triggers and are they related to any disorders or mental illnesses? “I don’t think that’s appropriate.” 
80. If you could meet your 16 year old self, what would tell them? “That things do pass..They don’t necessarily get better or easier, but they pass and you learn to deal with things in a more productive way. I’d also hug her - tight.” RANDOM QUESTION ROUND 81. Summer or Winter? “Summer’s weather but winter’s overall vibe and celebrations.”
82. Cats or dogs? “Dogs, sorry.” 
83. Beach or mountains? “The beach.” 
84. Phone calls or texting? “Facetime. I’m that friend.” 
85. Have you ever skipped class? “Yes.”

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Episode 18: Scheherazade

This episode is wonderful. Here are my thoughts.

SPOILERS AHEAD.

0:12 - Sooooo did Malcolm convince Gil to let him take the Surgeon case files from the precinct?

0:32 - Malcolm was eating Chinese take out? IDK. That stuff is pretty greasy. Something tells me that Chinese take out is not a good food to eat if you have a sensitive stomach.

1:24 - To be clear - Eve and Malcolm are not dating in this moment correct? They broke up last episode? Am I wrong?

2:04 - So Malcolm did want to go to this thing right? He genuinely likes ballet and his mom decided to make it a mother/son date. Ugh. So freaking adorable. <3

2:10 - Listening to Jessica talk on the phone is really interesting here. You can see that she’s embarrassed that she’s there alone and annoyed that Malcolm stood her up. She’s trying to be quiet and discreet on the phone so none of the nosy rich people notice but - of course - you can see them all looking at/talking about Jessica  in the background. I feel really bad for Jessica here. She doesn’t belong in the average person world because she’s rich and she can’t hang out in the rich people world because they’re all a bunch of overgrown high schoolers with the bullying and cliques to match.

2:24 - Look at how excited Jessica is initially - when this woman b**ch starts talking to her. Jessica looks hopeful that someone is going to actually be nice to her. Her gorgeous face drops when this Cricket woman starts being a b**ch. Props to Jessica for dragging this woman about the admissions scandal though.

2:53 - Ok. I immediately don’t like Endicott. Why? He clearly only saved Jessica because he wants to get in her pants. However, I love the way Jessica looks at him. She’s hopeful, flattered, and grateful. She almost never looks this happy and it’s a damn shame.

3:35 - Quick side note: Jessica looks amazing in that dress. Blue looks good on her….wait. Do you think she wore a blue dress because it would look good with Malcolm’s eyes? Not in a creepy incest way - just in a “I’m matching with my son” because we have a close, non-sexual relationship way.

4:50 - hahaha Cricket got blood spatter on her face. She deserved it.

5:00 - “You know your Mom called this in right?” - I love this. Jessica didn’t call 911. Before anyone could even think of calling 911 - I promise you Jessica was on the phone with Gil. Because Gil has always protected her family. She trusts Gil despite the fact that - like her son - she trusts almost no one since Martin was arrested.

5:02 - Again. I LOVE THIS TEAM. Talk about character/relationship growth. Dani and Malcolm making lighthearted banter. JT being really forward about telling Malcolm to go and check on his mother (who just witnessed a murder). I love that we are now at the point in this team’s relationship that JT and Dani love Malcolm so much that they worry about Malcolm’s Mom. <3

5:16 - Props to Edrisa. She’s a little neurotic and often anxious. BUT check out the way she laid down the law with that dude who was touching evidence. This girl is great.

6:00 - “Welcome to 2020. Can’t rule anything out.” - Can we just appreciate this line. It was probably written in late 2019 or before the whole COVID-19 nonsense in 2020. What a timely, well-delivered line. They probably writers probably did it by accident too. They were probably trying to allude to the craziness that was about to unravel with Endicott for the rest of this season. I love this show.

6:15 - JEALOUS GIL ALERT. Honestly - this was amazing. Gil is so jealous (not hiding it well btw) but he’s trying so hard to be a professional.  ALSO - check out the way that Endicott is looking at Gil. Endicott knows that Jessica and Gil have feelings for each other. He also knows that Gil suspects him as a murderer (for this case and the 1x19 case). Yikes. If Endicott has Gil injured, maimed, or killed in 1x20 I WILL THROW HANDS.

7:07 - This is cool to me. Jessica is mad at Malcolm but she doesn’t call him “Malcolm Whitly”; she calls him “Malcolm Bright”. This implies that Bright might be Malcolm’s legal last name. If it’s not - it means that Jessica respects her son. No matter how angry she might be at him - she would never intentionally harm him. She’s a good mom. (ALSO EDRISA’s REACTION ahahahaha and the way that Malcolm closes his eyes when he hears Jessica’s voice like “Aww shit. I’m in trouble.”)

7:30 - Honestly, I think it was both. From what we learn in this episode - Malcolm likes ballet. He’s probably sorry he missed the murder (because you know he’s Malcolm) but I feel like he was also looking forward to the event. Even if it meant that he would have to schmooze some rich people and listen to his Mom be a little nervous and a lot extra throughout the night.

7:45 - YES. YES. This is the perfect reaction to Eve. One that I’m sure a lot of fans can relate to. Yes - we hate the fact that Eve manipulated her way into Jessica and Malcolm’s lives. We hate that she broke both of their hearts. However, we sympathize with her brutally dark childhood and the loss of her sister. You can hate someone’s actions without hating the person as a whole. AND RIGHT HERE you can see that duality on Jessica’s face.

8:08 - At least Malcolm isn’t lying to Jessica? But dang. He looks so guilty about telling his Mom that he’s planning on visiting Martin. Probably because he knows Jessica will worry about the meeting, Malcolm’s mental health, and all other potential fallouts of Malcolm’s “plan”.

9:15 - Look at Malcolm here. He’s staring at Eve with a mixture of fear and concern. For once - he’s not focused on Martin. Malcolm’s concern for Eve and Eve’s pain is overpowering the discomfort and anxiety that Malcolm experiences when he sees his father.

9:20 - “You’re prettier than I imagined.” Ugh. Go to hell Martin. Malcolm looks so freaking ashamed to be Martin’s son right here. Look at his sad little face. :(

9:38 - What a toxic parent. He’s a serial killer and he’s still trying to make his ex-wife seem like the bad parent. Martin needs therapy.

9:45 - Holy hell. Malcolm looks terrified…..actually Martin looks a little scared too.

9:52 - I love this. Malcolm is so afraid of what Martin might do to Eve that he jumps over that red line. Also - take a second to notice how Malcolm grabs Eve. It’s not intimate. Definitely not the way you’d grab a significant other or a close friend. His hands aren’t touching her. He has his hands clasped around each other and his arms wrapped around Eve’s shoulders. This is a very gentlemanly way to grab a lady - even in a panicked, dangerous situation when he’s probably acting on sheer instinct and fear. Malcolm’s not thinking of where his hands are positioned. This is how he reaches for her instinctively and I respect it.

10:05 - Malcolm looks so scared here. Eve slapping Martin was definitely not part of the plan. Eve is improvising.

10:40 - Again. Check out the way Malcolm grabs Eve’s shoulder. It’s not the way you’d put your hand on a significant other’s shoulder. They are not dating here.

10:43 - Look at Martin’s face. It’s twisting in disgust. Is he actually feeling guilt for being a terrible father? I thought psychopaths couldn’t feel remorse? Maybe he’s just disgusted that his son is in a relationship with a woman who would have the nerve to insult Martin to his face?

10:50 - “I’ve told you all I can.” Martin’s eyes show fear in this moment. After watching 1x19 - I see why.

11:09 - The way that Martin shouts “Malcolm” is haunting. You can see it upsets Malcolm too by the way he grips his head. I wonder if Martin used that tone of voice with Malcolm as a child? Martin supposedly acted like a perfect father but what if Martin was verbally abusive to Malcolm when they were home alone together? Maybe this is how he conditioned Malcolm - like with that “Boy!” in 1x14, right before Malcolm stabs Martin. What if he drugged Malcolm to make him forget then too? Is that why Malcolm looks like he’s having a traumatic response to his name being called in that tone?

11:16 - Malcolm is impressed by Eve but also a little scared of Eve. Her performance was alarming to him. He didn’t expect her to be that angry.

12:04 - Edrisa is a national treasure. “I disagreed” bahahahaha. OMG. Even Gil looks amused at this one.

13:15 - “To maintain a comfortable lifestyle”. Seriously - do the writers want me to suspect Endicott? I seriously pinned it on him the whole time I watched this episode for the first time. Now I know better - but he’s still a sleaze bucket who has killed people.

13:34 - I love how no one on the team is buying Malcolm’s “my rich Mom took me to watch ballet as a kid” act. They know there’s more to it than that. They know Malcolm well enough to know when he’s lying.

13:40 - Gil is like “I’ve known you since you were 10. Jessica did not take you to the ballet for as long as I’ve known you. I would’ve heard about it.”

14:05 - I wish Malcolm always looked that happy when he declines one of Martin’s calls.

14:26 - This is seriously disconcerting. This is the most sincere and serious behaviour that we’ve ever seen from Martin. Martin is scared. Now that I’ve seen 1x19, I understand it. He’s afraid for himself. Of what Endicott may do to him if this gets out. I still can’t quite figure out if Martin actually cares about what happens to Ainsley, Malcolm, and Jessica though. I don’t think he’s capable. I hope I’m wrong.

14:32 - Soooo Mr. David doesn’t know about this. That makes sense. Did Mr. David see Martin get slapped? Are these phone calls recorded? Is that why Mr. David gives Martin that look? To remind Martin to keep quiet about the slap because it could cause Mr. David to lose his job? Are they friends? Ugh. This relationship is so fascinating to me.

15:33 - Look at Gil. He does not like the catty attitude of these ballet dancers.

15:45 - OMG. JT looks like he’s watching reality TV. He’s amused, a little confused, a lot shocked, and he can’t look away.

16:00 - I don’t like this Joesph dude - because he’s a jerk. BUT he has a point. These ballerinas seems very unstable. In the emotional sense.

16:12 - Dang. This is brutal. I didn’t like the way this girl was acting - but no one deserves this.  

16:53 - “I’m right here. I’m right here.” UGH. Gil saying this is so freaking sweet. All I can imagine is Gil saying that to Malcolm as a kid when Mal wakes up from a nightmare. <3 Ugh. The thought is warming my cold, dead heart.

17:15 - It’s a little concerning that Malcolm looks so excited about being in the same building as an active killer. ALTHOUGH - he regularly visits his serial killer father. Maybe he’s so used to being afraid of killers that he doesn’t even register it anymore? He’s so focused on solving the case that his own safety doesn’t even register as a concern?

17:23 - Papa!Gil is angry. I’m picturing him giving Malcolm a lecture in this tone of voice after Malcolm did something stupid when he was a teenager.

18:00 - Malcolm is having the time of his life. Look at this boy go. He has a group of suspects to profile and they’re all standing right in front of him. Life can’t get much better.

19:30 - Yep. This dude is a jerk. Also - Malcolm looks tiny next him. How tall is that dude? I know Tom Payne is short but damn.

19:36 - Question: why wasn’t Fiona in this group that was initially being profiled? Was she not in the building?

19:55 - Look at this. Jessica totally wants to talk to Martin. She is so pleased that she finally has something to rub in Martin’s face to make him jealous/angry. Also - can we all just appreciate how Jessica picks up the phone?!? When she’s addressing Mr. David?!? hahahaha comedic GOLD.

20:12 - Martin is losing his marbles. He really is an attention whore. Dang.

20:18 - “Martin stop being a helicopter parent.” - Yo. Jessica, I love you but you are a hypocrite.

20:30 - And this was the moment that Jessica forgave Eve for betraying her and Malcolm. Hahaha look at how absolutely delighted Jessica looks when she finds out that Eve struck Martin. hahaha

20:35 - Look at the way Martin glances over at Mr. David as he asks Jessica if she’s paying attention to him. It’s as though he’s reigning himself in because he knows Mr. David will hang up the phone and leave the cell if Martin loses it. Martin is so desperate for attention that he’ll take a bad phone call with his ex-wife over being alone in his cell. I almost feel bad for him. Almost.

20:43 - Huh. Do you think Gil saw that photo? How do you think our jealous cop reacted?

21:03 - Ok. So, in this scene Martin is chained to the wall. He’s talking on the phone. Mr. David is in the room. NO one else. WHAT ARE THE PARAMETERS REGARDING WHEN MARTIN GETS CHAINED TO THE WALL?!?!? There have been so many scenes when Martin is not chained to the wall and he’s alone with Mr. David. I have so many questions about how this works.

21:06 - Martin’s toddler-esque hissy fit is freaking hilarious. This dude is unstable.

21:24 - Martin’s flashbacks have to be true. Right? So we can all say with 100% certainty that he took Malcolm to the cabin and held a girl (Sophie) in the cabin.

21:43 - Poor Mr. David. :( He looks so done with Martin’s nonsense. Why doesn’t Mr. David quit? He could easily get a position guarding a less insane prisoner. He’s been with Martin for 20ish years. At this point he’s either a) friends with Martin, b) developed some sort of twisted Stockholm Syndrome, c) working for Endicott, or d) getting paid a lot of money.

22:34 - Fiona is a nasty Queen B and I’m annoyed that Gil can’t arrest her on principle.

23:25 - “He upset some very powerful people. They made his escape from Cuba possible.” ….Soooo Endicott is definitely a shady dude. I still think he had something to do with Javier’s death.

23:40 - “Jessica’s friend?” - Dang. Gil, you’re jealousy is showing. <3 hahaha also he looks so freaking unsurprised. Gil’s like “I knew he was shady. I KNEW IT!!” And I find it really interesting that he refers to Jessica by her first name in front of Malcolm. Usually, he’ll say “your mother” or “your mom”. This indicates that Gil currently feels personally involved in Jessica’s life. This is a situation that is affecting him as opposed to Malcolm so he’s referring to her as “Jessica” instead of “your mother”.

24:02 - OMG. Gil, please stop being so obviously jealous of a woman in front of her son. Her son is a profiler. He can see through you and you’re probably making him uncomfortable (look at the way Malcolm looks down and smirks after Gil does this he knows). Regardless, this is the single funniest thing Gil has ever done on this show.

24:15 - Are Endicott and Gil really having a weird, not-so-subtle “guy-off” over Jessica while talking about the investigation?!? Malcolm looks hella awkward. He’s like “Fake-Dad vs. suspect/Mom’s crush. What do I do?”

24:43 - ENDICOTT DO NOT PRETEND THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW MALCOLM WAS HER SON. Your shady ass has totally been keeping tabs on her whole family for the past 20 years.

24:50 - DANG. Check out that look that Jessica gives Malcolm. It’s like “Do not embarrass me in front of Nicholas. Do not tell your sister what you’ve seen. Do not discuss what you just witnessed with me. Ever. This did not happen.”

24:54 - Gil, buddy, I love you but looking at your watch is super obvious. Please reign it in. Your jealousy, while hilarious, it not attractive to a woman.

25:09 - I feel so bad for Malcolm throughout this whole scene. He’s clearly still interested in solving the case but he has this confused, slightly disturbed look on his face as he watches the whole love triangle fight go down.

26:06 - Once again, the whole “guessing JT’s name” is my favourite running gag on this show. Look. Even JT is into it now. He used to be super annoyed by it. This is how much JT and Malcolm’s friendship has grown. I’m so proud of these losers.

26:20 - OMG. hahaha “Posion.” Is Gil considering poisoning Endicott because he’s really that jealous?!!? I doubt it. More likely - Gil is suspecting Endicott of killing Javier. HOWEVER, I also think that this is a very subtle hint by the writers that Endicott is going to poison Gil in the season finale. I DO NOT WANT TO BE RIGHT - but I have a horrible dread that I will be.

27:00 - Seriously? Martin gets an iPod too? Is he really a prisoner?!? This dude lives better than me.

27:30 - So Martin is mad at Malcolm here. “Kids.” Huh. So did he actually try to kill Malcolm that night? Or did he chicken out when he got up to the cabin?

28:13 - HOW THE HELL DID MARTIN GET EVE’S PHONE NUMBER?!? Magic? Does he get internet access? A phone book? He has Mr. David find it for him?

28:25 - Check out Malcolm’s face. He looks longingly and sad as he stares at the ballerinas. He stares at them with respect too - not lust. He really likes ballet. <3

29:00 - Is Malcolm projecting here. “You took a chance on him when no one else would.” Did he quit dance because of how people treated him after Martin was arrested? Does Malcolm identify with Javier?

29:10 - Listen to how Fiona praises Javier’s work ethic. It almost feels like she’s talking about Malcolm. Of course, she isn’t, she doesn’t know Malcolm. BUT the writers know Malcolm. Is this a subtle hint that Malcolm is not a killer? That he’s incapable of being a killer? I mean - they even go so far as to have Fiona say that something about Javier’s performance was off - not his work performance but his personal performance. Is that a reference to Malcolm’s deteriorating mental health? Maybe I’m reading way to much into this…

31:14 - Does Malcolm even know he’s projecting here?! I don’t think he does. Gil sees it though. Damn. I’m surprised he didn’t challenge Malcolm on it. Or hug him. Ugh. My heart is broken.

33:05 - Is Malcolm so shocked that he doesn’t move? Or is this just Malcolm’s passive suicidality at work here? Watch Gil tackle him to the ground though. <3 I’m in love. This is the father Malcolm deserves.

33:36 - hahaha look at Malcolm’s precious little ballet jump. Gil sees it too. Gil is like “Wtf? This kid totally did ballet at some point. How did I not know about it?”

35:15 - Look at how freaking proud Gil is of Malcolm. Gil - a man who likes classic cars, has sports trophies in his office, and drinks fancy liquor. Gil is, in a lot of ways, stereotypically male. He finds out that his dorky pseudo-son did something as stereotypically feminine as dancing ballet (and enjoyed it) and Gil doesn’t bat an eye. He doesn’t get mad. He doesn’t tease Malcolm. He just looks at him with pride. We need more men like Gil in this world.

37:00 - Anyone else extremely upset by the idea that Martin put his son to bed like a Good Dad before going downstairs with the intent to murder a woman?

38:25 - I feel really bad for Sophie. :(

39:20 - Soooo is Sophie still alive? Or did Endicott have her hunted down and killed?

40:29 - This isn’t the first time in this series that Martin has bashed Jessica’s parenting skills. Or the first time he’s hinted that Jessica did something bad to the children. Given Jessica’s behaviour toward Ainsley and Malcolm - I doubt it. That woman adores her children. However, she does have a drinking problem and I’m starting to wonder what Martin thinks makes Jessica so bad. Is it simply because she divorced him? Or that she kept the children from him? Or is it something more?

40:50 - Well at least Malcolm knows Martin has been gaslighting him. :(

41:06 - Soooo Mr. David totally heard that conversation. Makes you wonder if Mr. David is working for Endicott. The things that Mr. David knows…

41:50 - So Eve definitely broke up with him here. Again? Honestly - I have no idea when these two were actually together.

43:21 - I do not like that monster inside the Whitly house. No no no no.

Well. Thanks for hanging out Prodigies. See you next time.

[fizzyhosh]

tagged by @kabeswaters !!!! love u big time

1. on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? .... 3

2. describe yourself in a hashtag? #onedirectionstan

3. if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? gross Harry Styles

4. if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? get ready for disappointment but the good thing is one direction would be to my musical as abba is to mamma mia

5. what’s one thing people don’t know about you? i have strong ambitions but they are outweighed by executive dysfunction so lots of adults like teachers just think I'm lazy 🤪🥴

6. what’s your wake up ritual? currently it's get up at 2pm, look at discord, snapchat, and instagram, then eat some gosh darn food

7. what’s your go to bed ritual? this is so unhealthy I know grab a snack and a soda and scroll mindlessly on social media until I get tired, get up and brush my teeth, go back to my bed and put on my sleep playlist (called sleeby) and set a time so it stops playing after I fall asleep

8. what’s your favorite time of day? despite the fact that I get up in the afternoon, it's actually like 10am that's a goooood time

9. your go to for having a good laugh? I look up Niall Horan laugh complications it genuinely works every time

10. dream country to visit? Germany or Italy

11. what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? my 19th birthday my roommates had a surprise party for me and I was so shocked and almost cried bc it was so sweet and bc made me anxious

12. heels or flats/sneakers? I thought that said heelys :(( but sneakers

13. vintage or new? vintaaaage

14. who do you want to write your obituary? uh idk hopefully none of my current family bc I don't want to die before them cause that'll mean I die young??? this question is making me overthink so I'm just gonna say Ewan Gregor and move on

15. style icon? this chick named mathilda on Instagram you might have seen her on insta or Pinterest she's a redhead but her style is brilliant

16. what are three things you cannot live without? music, dr. pepper, eggos

17. what’s one ingredient you put in everything? I sound so white but SALT I salt the heck outta everything

18. what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? Steve Irwin, Harry Styles, Freddie Mercury

19. what’s your biggest fear in life? dying while I'm taking a shower and having my family find my naked, wet, dead body falling out of love. which makes me not want to fall IN love bc then the chance of falling OUT of love becomes a possibility

20. window or aisle seat? window window window window window

21. what’s your current tv obsession? not really obsessed with anything rn but I rewatch new girl every chance I get

22. favorite app? instagram

23. secret talent? I can wiggle my ears

24. most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? i flew to New Orleans during a break with two of my friends bc they found $60 round trip tickets. We bought the tickets the day before. We literally got to NOLA at 7am and left 8pm the next day. only spontaneous/adventurous thing i have ever done

25. how would you define yourself in three words? funny, understanding, quiet

26. favorite piece of clothing you own? my overalls :'))

27. a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a jean jacket !! looks good on anyone and with anything and they're so cute

28. a superpower you would want? to make people see themselves as their loved ones see them

29. what’s inspiring you in life right now? music I'm fixated on one direction and harry styles and louis tomlinson rn of you cant tell by a lot of my answers

30. best piece of advice you’ve received? don't apologize because you like something. don't be embarrassed that you have preferences

31. best advice you’d give your teenage self? be unapologetically you. life is too short to feel guilty for having opinions.

32. a book everyone should read? me and earl and the dying girl

33. what would you like to be remembered for? being kind to all

34. how do you define beauty? kindness, humor, a sweet soul makes a beautiful person

35. what do you love most about your body? I think I'm proportional? like... my size and shape... I hate how that sounds but my overall body ,,,,,,,

36. best way to take a rest/decompress? crack open and nice cold soda and put on headphones and lay on the ground (it makes me back feel better)

37. favorite place to view art? art galleries the environment and ambiance is immaculate

38. if your life was a song, what would the title be? Everything is Outta Reach cause I fail a lot but also I'm sHORT

39. if you could master one instrument, what would it be? pianoooo

40. if you had a tattoo, where would it be? I want my forearms to be filled with random little doodle tattoos I get over time (picture louis tomlinsons right arm, like the "oops!" and skateboard, and dumb things like that)

41 dolphins or koalas? KOALAS

42. what’s an animal that represents you? .....koala. also chameleon...

43. best gift you’ve ever received? so I need to be hugging a pillow or stuffed animals to sleep and I lost some stuffed animals that I loved and were huge and my go to for hugging at night and that Christmas my brother got me a huge elephant and a body pillow to replace them and I actually cried

44. best gift you’ve given? im really bad at giving gifts but my brother searches everywhere for this book in specific print and language and after years I found one and got it for him for Christmas. he's not good at showing appreciation and excitement but I could tell that he was stoked

45. what’s your favorite board game? BETRAYL AT THE HOUSE ON THE HILL it's so complicated and so good and I love it so much

46. what’s your favorite color? yellow and red

47. least favorite color? o r a n g e I just realized it's between red and yellow make it make sense

48. diamond or pearls? diamonds

49. drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore! I don't wear makeup often enough to spend money on designer but occasionally I get some good stuff from ulta then immediately regret it and go back to my Walgreens makeup HAHA

50. pilates or yoga? yoga

51. coffee or tea? I don't drink either but I like the aesthetic of tea more

52. what’s the weirdest word in the english language? pneumonoultrascopicsiliconvolcanoconoiosos because it's the longest word in the English dictionary and it's has a very specific definition and it's so extra when I was 7 i had a friend who could spell it forwards and backwards

53. dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk!! I only like dark chocolate if it's reisens

54. stairs or elevators? stairs I'm afraid of elevators

55. summer or winter? summer

56. you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? mac and cheese

57. a dessert you don’t like? uhhhh... umm... uh... anything with tree nuts cause I'm allergic??? I love dessert

58. a skill you’re working on mastering? I'm learning guitar !!

59. best thing to happen to you today? I woke up before 2pm

60. worst thing to happen to you today? my family all decided to a be in a bad mood today so that's super exciting to deal with :))))))

61. best compliment you’ve ever received? that I'm a really good listener

62. favorite smell? candles right after they're blown out and the air outside when it's cold. it has a smell. it DOES.

63. hugs or kisses? hugs

64. if you made a documentary, would it be about? the one direction boys' solo careers and eventual reunion when it happens

65. last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? if that includes music, louis tomlinsons album walls. but if not, ehm the martian that movie makes me cry don't come for me

66. lipstick or lipgloss? lipstick

67. sweet or savory? savory

68. girl crush? lily james

69. how do you know you’re in love? I've been trying to figure that out... I think it's when everything reminds you of them and you can completely be yourself around them and feel a sense of home and belonging.

70. a song you can listen to on repeat? greyhound by calpurnia or baby driver by simon and garfunkel

71. if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? h a r r y s t y l e s I have questions I need answered and I wanna hear unreleased HS and 1D music

72. what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? going back to school so I can be with my best friend slash future boyfriend

tagging: @lupinlongbottom @outerlacy @fortisfiliae @theseuscmander @wizardwritings

[privaian]

sweet lullaby.

Jeno has been having a hard time falling asleep. It was always that way since he was a kid. He thought it was completely normal to wake up in the middle of the night and not fall asleep, that’s why he would always play games until the sun rises.

Jeno’s life as a college student was boring and.. painful. Aside from the fact that he finds it hard to sleep at night, he lives alone and has to deal with every depressing thing that happens after a long and tiring day from the university.

 11:26 PM.

Jeno lies down and stares at the ceiling. He sighed, he felt bad for himself. Taking sleeping pills was a no for him, he was scared that he might not wake up the next day. He doesn’t want to consult a doctor as well, knowing that it would cost him much when he barely eats in a day because he doesn’t have money. He stood up and went to the kitchen and opened the fridge- only to see a pack of bottled water and three ramen cups. Groceries. He forgot to stop by the store to buy food and spent his last money on school products. Maybe next time.

He grabbed a cup of ramen and two water bottles and poured it on the pot to heat. While waiting, he heard someone shout ‘good bye, take care!’ to who knows who. Curious, he looked by his window to see a family dropping off a young lad. Looks like he’s got bunch of stuffs to carry, he thought. He turned off the stove and grabbed his key to his room before leaving his own. The male was going back and forth from downstairs to carry his bags. “Hey,” Jeno called. The latter looked at him with both eyebrows raised. “Need a hand?”

“Sure, that would be handy.” The male answered. Jeno returned the smile and went downstairs to carry more of the boy’s bags. “Where should I bring it?” he asked. The male shook his head, “It’s okay! I must’ve been too loud complaining how heavy it is and disturbed you that’s why you came out to help. It’s fine.” The male gave him an apologetic smile, and Jeno chuckled in return. “It’s alright, I don’t have anything to do anyways.” The lad nodded at him and pointed at the door beside Jeno’s room. “There, that’s my room.”

“Cool, you’re my new neighbor!” Jeno exclaimed. The latter chuckled and walked ahead of Jeno to open the door and he continued in carrying the bags inside the boy’s room. “All done!” Jeno said and brushed his hands together, as if there were imaginary dust on his hands.

“Thanks a lot...?” The new neighbor didn’t continue his sentence as he realized that he didn’t get the kind male’s name.

“Jeno, Lee Jeno. And you are?”

“Huang Renjun. It’s nice meeting you, Jeno!”

Both males shook hands and Renjun was the first one to let go. “I know it’s pretty late but, have you eaten your dinner?” Jeno smiled, nodding his head and kindly refusing his offer. As soon as he did that, he heard his stomach grumble. Renjun glanced at Jeno’s stomach as he immediately covered it, cheeks flushing pink because of embarrassment and it made Renjun giggle. Cute. “Come inside! My mom gave me lots of foods and I can’t eat this alone.”

Renjun went to the kitchen and Jeno awkwardly followed him. “So,” Jeno started. He did not know how to start a conversation. He wasn’t really into making friends. Perhaps, he was shy. Or perhaps, this boy looked too dazzling for him to get distracted in making a conversation.

“You’re on your college year?” Renjun, who was busying himself in cutting the beef into strips, nodded. “On my third year.” After that answer, both lads went silent. It wasn’t the ‘awkward’ type of silence, though. It was a comfortable silence. The sound of beef getting cooked, the smell of sautéed garlic, it made Jeno’s stomach grumble again. “Sorry about that,” he looked down and mumbled quietly. Renjun looked at him and giggled. “This will be done in a few minutes, sir.”

Renjun served the dishes in an appetizing manner. Jeno won’t lie, he wanted to dig in already, but he doesn’t want to embarrass himself to the kind boy in front of him who just finished setting the table with two plates, two pairs of spoon and fork, a pitcher of juice, and two cups of glasses. “After you.” He motioned. Jeno started to eat, and so did Renjun.

The whole dinner was okay, Jeno had been very vocal about how good Renjun’s dish is and how it tasted like what professionals cook. Renjun blushed at the compliment. It was his first time cooking for someone else aside from his family and friends, and he knew that Jeno was being genuine with his compliments.

After eating, Jeno thanked Jaemin for cooking him dinner and Jaemin only responded with “Just come over if you want to eat a good dish.” And winked. Jeno was flustered, but he just laughed it off. He came back to his room, seeing the lonely ramen cup on the table. Thank God it’s not yet opened. I’ll eat this tomorrow.

 1:30 AM.

Jeno was shocked to see how long he has stayed over at Renjun’s room. Once again, he lied down and closed his eyes, making his nth attempt in falling asleep.

 3:00 AM.

Jeno haven’t fallen asleep.

I’ve been watching you for some time,

He opened his eyes, wondering where the sound came from.

Can’t stop staring at those ocean eyes.

Ocean Eyes. Billie Eilish was his favorite singer, he admired how a sixteen-year old can have heavenly vocals. But this voice, feels like I’ve heard it somewhere.

Burning cities and napalm skies,

Soon enough, he felt his eyelids become heavy. Finally, finally. He was now able to get good sleep thanks to this stranger.

Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes. Your ocean eyes.

Every 3 AM, Jeno would lie down to get some good sleep. It came to his senses that Renjun, his neighbor, was the one singing the same Billie Eilish song every 3 AM. Of course, who must’ve it been if it’s not him? We literally live right next door.

Today was the second week of summer break, and Renjun went back to his home while Jeno stayed at his room. They’ve gotten closer, exchanged numbers with each other, call each other with cute nicknames, and have late night talks. Every 3 in the morning, Jaemin would send Jeno voicemails of verses from one of Billie Eilish’s songs and Jeno would listen to it all night until he falls asleep.

 2:38 AM

Jeno: you up?

Jeno: oi

Jeno stared at his phone. Usually, Renjun would respond immediately or a minute late.

 2:46 AM

Jeno: injunnn wruuuuu

Jeno: i’m kind of shocked honestly you usually respond instantly but oh well maybe you’re busy

Jeno: i miss you and your voice : (

Jeno: i mean i do get to hear your voice since you send me voicemails but i actually want to hear you sing : (

Jeno: i guess all i have tonight is your voicemails, then. take care injun! ♥

Jeno sighed and grabbed his earphones. Once again, he felt lonely. He misses him so much that it hurts.

 6:39 AM.

Today was Saturday. The voicemails have expired, and his eyes was staring at the ceiling. Clearly, he did not get any sleep. And clearly, he misses Renjun so much.

Their 3 AM talks went to 3 days of not talking. He felt restless, he can’t help but worry about him.

 5:28 PM.

It’s been three weeks and summer break was about to end. Sadly, Jeno went back to his previous state wherein he can’t get any sleep at all. It was getting dangerous. He’d faint at class, he’d get panic attacks and deal with it alone. He can’t help but feel pathetic. He felt more alone than he was before. He’s not blaming Renjun for not getting in touch or for not sending him voicemails anymore, though. He must’ve been spending his time with his family happily. Sucks to be him, no one cares for him.

8:19 PM.

Jeno just got home after visiting the pharmacy. A concerned classmate, who goes by the name Haechan, offered him to visit his home since his mom is a doctor. Jeno denied the offer, of course. He’s broke, he’s got no one. How can he pay Haechan’s mom? But she was kind enough to do it for free, since he is his son’s ‘friend.’ She prescribed him two kinds of medication; one for his panic attacks, and second was the sleeping pills. Benzodiazepines, sure. A $10 medication is surely better than spending thousands inside the hospital. Ever since he took the anticonvulsant drug, his panic attacks have lessened, and the sleeping pills helped him fall asleep. But still, it wasn’t enough.

 4:53 PM.

Summer break has ended, and still no text from Renjun. It’s been a month, he should be on his way back home right now.

 3:00 AM.

Jeno: i miss you.

Jeno: i’ll be waiting for you tomorrow! i saved up a little bit so i can cook for you.

Jeno: i’m not the best cook out there, though. but i’ll try to make this good and tasty!

Jeno: have a safe trip back here!

3:40 PM.

Jeno just finished cooking. It wasn’t that much, but at least he tried his best. It was tasty enough, so he’s sure Renjun would like it. He went near the window, where he saw Renjun for the first time. He didn’t notice the time pass by. He’s been staring there for an hour. The food has now been cold. Still no sign of Renjun.

He sighed and covered the dishes first. He’ll wait for Renjun to come back before eating.

 5:38 PM.

He’s been spending the past few hours scrolling through Twitter, Facebook, or playing some games.

A message popped up, it was from Renjun.

Quickly, he opened the message while smiling.

As he continues to watch the clip, his smile slowly faltered to a frown; and his lips starts to quiver after finishing the clip.

Renjun.. he’s gone.

✽   AUG 26, 2018.       gif not mine.

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 1.7

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time, as the first trial began, the narrative continued to ignore the actual reason for Tsumugi’s apparent innocence, everyone generally played catch with the idiot ball to pad things out including several people who deserve better, and I started discussing Kaito’s really-not-that-gendered concept of manliness. Then suspicion fell upon Shuichi, who promptly clammed up in fear of revealing the truth to defend himself, just before we went to the intermission.

Monokuma:  “Try your best to nab the culprit. And believe me, that’s no lie. If I lied, it would shake the game to its very foundation.”

Yeah, you’re definitely not going to do that at the end of this trial, right?

But also, that’s precisely the point: Kokichi’s plan in chapter 5 and Shuichi’s reason for retrying this case in chapter 6 both revolve around the idea that proving Monokuma to have lied would render the entire killing game invalid and force it to end.

Maki is still being the one to drive the conversation in terms of accusing Shuichi. She’s just being pragmatic and has no time for any of this “believing in people” stuff; why would she?

Kokichi:  “Did it ever occur to you that Shuichi could have lied about setting the sensor? Hmmm?”

Kaede:  “A… A lie…?”

Shuichi:  “…”

And yet at the exact time Shuichi was genuinely setting the sensor and not lying about it, Kaede was setting up the camera and turning the flash on and lying about that. That’s probably what Shuichi’s freaking out about right now.

Kokichi’s claim that Shuichi never set up the sensor is so he can argue that Shuichi then used the sensor to set off the receiver in front of Kaede on purpose. But Kokichi doesn’t know the receiver had a power supply, so how does he think Shuichi managed to carry the sensor and the receiver around with him all day and not set it off accidentally just by moving around normally?

Kaede:  (I have to do something! I know for a fact that he’s not the culprit!)

Not an exaggeration!

I enjoy the way the podiums can sometimes move about during these trials, and this debate is one of the biggest reasons for it. Just the way it forces Shuichi into the middle of the circle so that everyone is staring right at him – particularly since Shuichi has such a fear about people looking at him with accusation and hatred in their eyes. This must be especially awful for him right now.

(I particularly like this one shot. Shuichi’s frozen up in the foreground, the background focuses on Ryoma, who’s speaking – but in the background there’s also Kaito, silently freaking out over the possibility that Shuichi did it. Kirumi, who’s much less relevant to anything right now, happens to be completely obscured by Shuichi thanks to the angle used.)

Shuichi:  “………………”

“Say something.”

That bit of white noise there is probably Maki again, being blunt and pragmatic as usual. (It’s fun guessing who the lines of white noise could be from; I’ll be pointing out some of the more relevant ones.)

Kokichi:  “Yeaaah, I mean, whatevs. I made a mistake! Big deal!”

Kiyo:  “You speak as if you knew that from the start… Even I was taken in…”

I can’t decide whether I agree with Kiyo that Kokichi actually knew about the contradiction in his argument from the beginning or not. Making the argument despite knowing it’s wrong is the kind of dick thing he’d do, but also I’m pretty sure that at this point he does think Shuichi did it? There is absolutely no indication that he was aware Kaede was the real culprit until that comes out.

And now Ryoma makes the argument about Shuichi turning the receiver off because he happened to learn that bit of information during the investigation.

This argument they put together here (that Shuichi did set up the sensor, turned the receiver off, murdered Rantaro when he went to the basement and then retrieved the sensor so that he could set off the receiver in front of Kaede to fake the time of death and give himself an alibi) is almost a completely flawless argument. It’s pretty clever how the case manages to do this – create a way in which Shuichi could have plausibly done it so that the only way to defend him is not to prove he didn’t but to force him to prove that Kaede did. And then everyone, even Kaede herself, ends up firmly believing that she did it because the evidence pointing to that is seemingly flawless, even though that’s also not the truth and the real culprit is yet another person that nobody will be aware of until they find new information at the very end of the game.

…I say “almost” completely flawless because there is actually an argument to clear Shuichi’s name without Kaede lying or confessing, namely that they saw the bookcase door closing when they ran into the library, proving that Rantaro had in fact been alive when the receiver went off. Nobody points that out in this trial, but even so, it’s almost a shame that that piece of evidence exists to make this current argument about Shuichi’s potential guilt not truly airtight. The writers presumably only put that bit in as a hint for chapter 6 that Tsumugi had just left, but even then that won’t be necessary to prove that she did it.

Kokichi:  “Nee-heehee… So the Ultimate Detective is the killer. What a plot twist!”

You’re not the only person who wanted that plot twist to happen, either, Kokichi. Good thing the other person who wanted it doesn’t exist anymore and got overwritten by an Ultimate Detective who wouldn’t ever kill anyone.

(Also, man, 53 seasons and none of the writers thought to try and do this plot twist, even though they apparently have a lot of Ultimate Detective characters?)

Kaito:  “Hey, you gonna say anything? We’ll all vote for you if you don’t.”

Kaito’s been interestingly quiet this whole time Shuichi’s been accused. This is the first thing he’s said since the intermission, and it’s not even specifically defending him. I might have expected Kaito’s belief in Shuichi to be strong enough that he’d have tried to defend him, but seemingly not. He’s probably been focused on trying to figure out why Shuichi would clam up when he’s being accused if he really isn’t the culprit – Kaito is always about trying to understand people.

Kaede:  (Why won’t Shuichi say anything? Is there… a reason he won’t say anything? … If that’s the case… then it’s all up to me.)

Kaede has probably figured out here that it’s her fault he won’t say anything, because he’s realised she did it and is terrified of admitting it.

Monokuma is having himself a little puhuhuhuhu in amongst the white noise of the debate where you have to lie. He’s probably excited to find out if Kaede will throw Shuichi under the bus for her own survival or not.

You know, Kaede, your lie would probably be more convincing if you didn’t dramatically yell, “I’ll turn this lie… into the truth!” before starting to tell it.

(Yeah, yeah, obviously she doesn’t actually say that out loud since no-one comments on it, but it still comes across as pretty unintentionally silly.)

Kaede:  “S-Sorry, you guys! I forgot to tell you something important!”

She’s also a really unconvincing liar. Shuichi will be much better at it than her when it’s his turn to lie. Plus, her lie is extra bad because it comes with the huge looming question of why the hell didn’t she mention this ten minutes ago when the receiver was first brought up as proof Shuichi did it.

Aaaa but Shuichi’s look of shock when he sees her lying for him, though. He’s probably been terrified this whole time that she’s secretly a horrible person who’s only pretending to defend him and will eventually sacrifice him to get away with her crime, but the fact that she’s willing to go this far to defend him and put herself at this much risk…!

Kaede:  “C���mon, would I lie to you guys?”

Kaito:  “That’d only screw yourself over. If we mess up, you’re dead too, y’know?”

And yet Kaede knows that this lie is all the more likely to get herself killed and that’s exactly why she’s telling it.

Kiyo:  “Or perhaps… you wanted to cover for Shuichi, even at the cost of your own life.”

Shuichi:  “…Huh?”

That’s the first sound Shuichi’s made since he was accused. It hasn’t been confirmed yet, but the possibility is occurring to him that Kaede is still the person he believed in!

Keebo:  “I cannot imagine why anyone would risk their life to lie on another’s behalf.”

Kokichi:  “Words from a true heartless robot! Emotions are only for meatbags!”

And yet you have an even harder time comprehending the idea of risking your life for someone else’s sake than anyone else in this room, Kokichi.

Tsumugi:  “Umm… I agree. I sort of can’t believe that Shuichi is the culprit.”

Yeah, of course you don’t, because you want everyone to eventually figure out that Kaede did it. Note how she doesn’t even present a specific reason for thinking this; it’s not like she’s been acting as if she believes in Shuichi especially strongly or anything.

Kaito:  “Yeah, this ain’t right!”

And of course Kaito believes in Shuichi! Even though he wasn’t speaking up to defend Shuichi earlier, he also wasn’t one of the people contributing to the argument against him.

Kaede:  (We can’t vote for Shuichi, because he’s definitely not the culprit. If we vote for him, all hope is lost… I won’t be able to save everyone…)

Again with her utter certainity. But she shouldn’t be so worried – she must know that even if she can’t convince everyone of Shuichi’s innocence with just her lie, all she needs to do is confess, if it comes to it. She should be absolutely certain that no matter how things go, this trial will never end up with everyone else getting executed, because she won’t let that happen. I guess by “save everyone” she means she’s still hoping to catch the mastermind at this point, and this whole accusing Shuichi thing is just an inconvenient detour she’s trying to drag everyone off of.

The way Monokuma twists the key into the keyhole when starting up a Debate Scrum is extremely reminiscent of Gurren Lagann. Given a certain someone in this game who is also extremely reminiscent of a certain character from that anime, I feel like this is probably deliberate.

I like that Gonta makes one of the arguments in the Debate Scrum. He wouldn’t necessarily need to, since there’s only five arguments for eight people on his side, but he’s contributing! He’s not as stupid as he thinks!

I’m playing on the Vita version, and one of the few notable downgrades is that it doesn’t have the voice clips of everybody yelling “This is our answer!” together at the end of a Debate Scrum. Which is a shame; I always thought that was a cool bit, hearing multiple characters work together to convince everyone else of the truth. Debate Scrums are a really cool idea in general to get more of the characters involved.

Kaede:  “And if that happens… Everyone will be executed… I definitely won’t let that happen, even if it costs me my life!”

Man, that statement of Kaede’s is telling. Why would it cost her her own life to prevent everyone being executed, unless…? It can be passed off as misguided protagonist determination and her temporarily forgetting how things work because she’s so worked up, but it’s more than that.

Shuichi:  “Kaede…”

Look at Shuichi finally saying something for the first time since he was accused, and it’s when he hears that Kaede is willing to die for her crime. She is not the horrible backstabber he was afraid she might be; she is still exactly the brave, selfless person he believed in. It’s this that makes him finally able to face the truth.

Kaito:  “Yeah, it’s just like Kaede said! Shuichi ain’t the culprit!”

Gonta:  “Gonta believe in Shuichi, too! Gentlemen always believe in friends!”

Kaito and Gonta are both so good and so full of belief in people.

Even though Shuichi is speaking again and is laying out his arguments that lead to the truth, he’s still doing it in a pretty roundabout way, like he’s trying to put off the moment where he has to accuse Kaede for as long as he can.

Kaede:  (I see… Shuichi knows… The reason why Rantaro noticed the camera was…)

I love just how strongly this hints that Kaede knows everything that happened even better than Shuichi.

Kaede:  (I know this… There’s only one reason the camera’s flash was used…)

And again. She very clearly already knows and is not just figuring things out as Shuichi explains.

Kaede:  “But the culprit didn’t expect the camera to take another picture when the door closed.”

And Kaede can be sure of this statement because she is the culprit. (Although, they’re all only assuming the second picture was when the door closed – I believe it is actually supposed to be when Tsumugi opened it again from the other side.)

Kaito:  “Hey, Kaede…?”

Kaede:  “What is it?”

Kaito:  “Is… something wrong? You’ve been acting… kinda strange.”

Kaede:  “…Strange?”

Kiyo:  “Your last few remarks carry… more conviction than before.”

Look at how Kaito is the first one to notice this! He doesn’t for a moment want to believe that she actually did it, which is why he remains vague about what’s up with her and Kiyo has to be more specific – but still, he noticed, and he brought it up because he wanted to better understand why. Kaito is so perceptive when it comes to people and always trying to understand them better when there’s things that don’t make sense to him.

The fact that Shuichi and not Kaede is designated as number 1 in the screen where you have to accuse people would potentially be extremely spoilery if it weren’t for the fact that this is the first time we see this screen, when you’re about to find out that Shuichi is the true protagonist anyway.

It’s very appropriate how Kaede’s voice clip for accusing someone correctly, given that this is the only time she ever does it, is “No doubt about it”.

Kaede:  (I’m sorry… Shuichi. You stayed silent this whole time because you realized it already, right? But, you can’t do that. It may be the end of me, but I want my wish to… I’m giving it to you, Shuichi. From now on, you’re going to carry on my wish! You’re going to protect everyone!)

Shuichi:  (Kaede… I know what you want me to do. That’s so cruel… It’s cruel, but… I understand. I’ll do it. You can trust me. I won’t let your wish… go ungranted.)

This sequence where they switch protagonists is adorable and gives me feelings every time. I don’t think it’s supposed to be that they’re actually talking to each other or reading each other’s thoughts – they just both understand each other enough that they’re accurately imagining how the other is feeling right now and responding to that in their own inner monologue.

Also, despite the game making you do so as her, Kaede didn’t actually accuse herself. All that was ever said out loud was:

Kaede:  “The culprit of this incident is…”

…

Shuichi:  “…Kaede is the culprit.”

Kaede must have been trusting that Shuichi was finally about to find the courage to face the truth and was waiting for him to say it so that she didn’t have to. By acting like she was about to admit it herself, she made it clear to him that she is completely okay with being found guilty, giving him the final push he needed to do it.

Gonta:  “Kaede… did it?”

Tenko:  “W-Wait, that’s not possible! Right, Kaede!?”

I like that these two are the first ones to speak up to question this. They believe in her!

Kaede:  “Pft… ahahahaha! Just kidding!”

Ryoma:  “Just kidding?”

Kaede:  “Huh? Did you guys really think I’m the culprit? Psh, come on, guys! Like I could!”

And now Kaede has started deliberately playing the villain. She’s given up on her attempts to corner the mastermind, given up on her own life – but she still hasn’t stopped trying to help everyone. She’s doing this, playing the horrible traitor who would hide their crime and try to get away with it, in the hope that it will unite everyone against her, so that despite how awfully things went, they’ll still have a sense of unity and co-operation once this is all over. And of course, she’s doing it to get Shuichi to face his fear of revealing the truth, because she knows that he’s going to need to do that in order to keep saving everyone throughout the rest of this killing game.

Kaede is willingly turning herself into a monster because she’s selflessly fixated on saving everyone else and doesn’t care at all what they think of her so long as they’re all going to be okay. She is so, so good.

Kaede:  “Shuichi’s just joking around. He wanted to lighten up the mood.”

Yes, because that’s totally an in-character thing that Shuichi would do.

Kaito:  “Yeah, how? You and Kaede were together the whole time, weren’t you?”

I also find it interesting that, again, this is the first time Kaito has spoken up since Shuichi accused Kaede. He did not join in earlier when Gonta and Tenko were questioning if she really did this. Kaito was the one who first noticed she was acting strange, after all, so it seems there’s a part of him that didn’t have as much trouble believing it, based on the way she’s acting. Here he’s speaking up not to question the fact that she would do it, but simply how she physically could have done it, because that at least is still very unclear.

Kaede:  “…I was in the classroom, standing watch with Shuichi.”

“Y-You see!?”

Gonta:  “Kaede never saw Rantaro… then how she kill him!?”

“There’s no way!”

These two bits of white noise are absolutely 100% Kaito. Even if Kaede being the culprit makes more sense to him based on her behaviour than he would like to admit, he still doesn’t want to face up to that. So he’s vehemently latching onto the part where it doesn’t seem to be physically possible to avoid having to think about the fact that her behaviour tells a different story. The fact that he’s stuttering in the first statement and the text is shaking in the second one certainly implies that he is not as sure of himself as he is trying to sound.

Tsumugi:  “Hmm… what a mystery.”

Yeah, such a mystery that you definitely don’t know the answer to. And you definitely didn’t write Kaede with a fondness for Rube Goldberg machines precisely so she’d be able to create a mystery like this.

Shuichi:  (If I’m remembering correctly, there was something off about her then… Damn it, how could I not realize it…?)

Because she’s your friend and you trusted her and had absolutely no reason to assume she might have been secretly plotting a murder. Don’t beat yourself up about this, Shuichi.

Ryoma:  “It’s not like it started rollin’ on its own…”

“Rollin’ on its own!?”

Ryoma:  “…and fell off the bookcase onto Rantaro’s head.”

“The hell are you talkin’ about!?”

These white noise lines: also Kaito. Ironic that the part he’s furiously questioning here is the part that turns out to be close to the truth.

Typical of Miu to have made this aerial diagram of the library and not even remotely have it occur to her that maybe there’s something weird about the sloped path of books leading to just above Rantaro’s head.

It’s a little weird for Shuichi to be having flashbacks and the flashbacks still be from Kaede’s perspective. Would have been kind of neat to instead get a different flashback to what Shuichi was thinking at the time. Still, I can see that the reason they did it this way is to let the player look back at those lines from Kaede’s inner monologue that hinted at what was really going on and see them for what they really meant.

Kaede:  “Impressive… You have a really good memory, Shuichi.”

Shuichi is condemning her to death and all she cares about doing is praising his talent and making sure he feels confident in himself. She is so goddamn selfless.

Tsumugi:  “A setup that complicated is almost like a Rube Goldberg machine.”

…are you mentioning this because you heard the part where Kaede talked about Rube Goldberg machines and want to make sure everyone in the audience makes the connection, Tsumugi?

Kiyo:  “Your words and that smile… Is this your admission of guilt?”

Kaito:  “Hold on! Don’t just jump to conclusions! I’ve… still got a lot of questions!”

Even though Kaede looks to be just about willing to admit things, Kaito is not ready to accept this so easily.

Kokichi:  “Nee-heehee… that’s weeeeeird. Why do you sound so desperate?”

Kaito:  “There’s nothing weird about it! There’s just no way I can believe someone like Kaede would be the culprit!”

Kokichi notes that Kaito sounds desperate because he is – there’s obviously a part of him that can tell, from the facts lining up and from Kaede’s behaviour right now, that this is the truth. But even so, his belief in the person Kaede is as someone who would never do something like this still hasn’t been contradicted. She’s acting as though she did it, but she’s not acting as though she wasn’t really that person who always cared about saving everyone. This whole time she’s clearly been trying to help Shuichi through his issues and guide him towards the truth. So it just does not make sense to Kaito, since it hasn’t occurred to him that she could have done this in an attempt to save them all.

Gonta:  “Yeah! Gonta not believe it either!”

Kaede:  “What?”

And look at Kaede being so bewildered by them still believing in and defending her. She’s just a murderer, right? She betrayed them all! They should all hate her!

Kaito:  “Don’t worry, Kaede! I’ll clear your name!”

Kaito knows she did it and that it’s not going to be possible to clear her name. He just doesn’t want to accept it.

Kaito:  “I refuse to believe that Kaede is the culprit! I still have my doubts!”

Himiko:  “What kinda doubts?”

Kaito:  “Doubts about the noise, of course!”

His doubts aren’t really about the noise. They’re about the fact that someone like Kaede would ever do this. But he knows that’s not an acceptable argument in a class trial, so instead he’s latching onto whatever evidence-related thing he can think of. I wouldn’t even be surprised if he hadn’t actually forgotten that the BGM could have masked the noise and is just avoiding mentioning it in the hope that no-one else will and he’ll have an excuse not to face the truth.

Ryoma:  “Eh, some noise ain’t a big deal.”

“Is true!”

Tenko:  “Of course it’s a big deal!”

“Yes! I’m positive!”

Hee, look at Gonta and Kaito’s white noise here fervently insisting that Kaede must be innocent. (Kaito is not positive. He’s just desperately pretending that he is.) Also props to Tenko for being the other most adamant defender of Kaede. It’s a little awkward in her case considering that if Kaede were exactly the same person but happened to be a guy then Tenko wouldn’t be doing this, but at least because Kaede is a girl we get to see Tenko’s good side come through here.

This whole argument about the BGM is also kind of flimsy considering that Kaede didn’t know there was going to be loud music masking the sound of the shot and went ahead with her plan anyway. She was presumably hoping her target wouldn’t realise what the noise meant until it was too late. And hey, maybe Rantaro did actually barely hear the sound over the music and that’s why Kaede’s shot missed.

Kokichi:  “Kaito, are you done now?”

Yeah, all this ridiculous nonsense of Kaito’s about believing in people, none of that makes any sense, right? Not in Kokichi’s worldview.

Kaito:  “D-Damn it…! So… it’s true, then…? You’re saying… Kaede really is the culprit!?”

This, though, is Kaito more or less admitting defeat, now that he has no more arguments he can think of. He still doesn’t want to believe that Kaede is the culprit… but he can accept it.

Kirumi:  “But we should not blame him for that. None of those actions warranted suspicion at the time, so he might not have noticed.”

Shuichi:  “…”

Shuichiiii, listen to Kirumi. Don’t go blaming yourself for this.

Gonta:  “That can’t be… It’s gotta be mistake, right?”

Gonta, like Kaito, still doesn’t want to believe that Kaede could have done something like this.

Kokichi:  “But if all of that is true, then that’s pretty unfortunate… I mean… it’s Kaede, y’know? She kept preaching about working together, and then she goes and kills in cold blood!”

This is Kokichi very transparently trying to force it into people’s heads that obviously you shouldn’t trust anyone ever because even someone like Kaede who talks about working together and being friends would totally turn around and murder someone in cold blood for their own selfish gain.

Shuichi:  “No, something still doesn’t fit.”

Kokichi:  “Hm? What doesn’t fit?”

Shuichi:  “Kaede… wouldn’t do something like that.”

And this is Shuichi giving the big middle finger to Kokichi’s twisted worldview. Because anyone who doesn’t have the world’s biggest unexplained trust issues should be able to tell that obviously precisely because Kaede is the person she is, she would definitely have a better reason for killing someone than just doing it in cold blood.

Tsumugi:  “But you were the one that said she did it, right?”

Shuichi:  “Yes, I did say that. But murder in cold blood is just not in her character… I truly believe that! I believe in her!”

This is not the only time that Shuichi is going to be certain that his closest friend committed murder and yet even more certain that they didn’t do it for selfish reasons!

Kaede:  “But… why? Why do you still believe in me, Shuichi? Why? Tell me why!”

Because you’re still a good person, Kaede! Even if you yourself can’t believe that right now because you messed up and accidentally killed an innocent.

Kaede:  “Are you still looking away from the truth!?”

Not any more. Now you’re the one who’s doing that, Kaede.

Kaede:  “I’m a terrible murderer. I betrayed everyone!”

A couple of lines from the Argument Armament that it’s easy to miss out on if you do too well at it, which is a big shame because they are excellent lines.

Shuichi:  “Kaede wasn’t targeting Rantaro. She was targeting the mastermind. She was trying to end this killing game… She was trying to save us all. Isn’t that right, Kaede?”

Kaede: “…”

This time, Kaede’s response is not the “good job for figuring it out, Shuichi!” that she was doing before. She didn’t care if Shuichi figured this out. It didn’t matter what anyone thought of her, after she’d failed them and done such a horrible thing.

Kaito:  “So… she tried to end the killing game… by killing the mastermind?”

And now I think Kaito can finally properly accept it, because he has a reason that makes sense. Even if he’s still upset and frustrated that she was desperate enough to take such drastic measures, he understands.

Shuichi:  “…But it’s all my fault. Kaede trusted my detective skills. I told her the mastermind might be there… And that’s why she set that trap. It’s all my fault. She trusted my detective work, and I screwed it up!”

Kaede:  “Stop… That’s not true… Please, don’t say it’s your fault… It’ll be harder for me… None of this is your fault! It’s mine! Everything’s my fault!”

Kaede does not want to die worried that Shuichi is going to keep blaming himself and suffering because of her mistake. Her only priority now is making sure that everyone else, especially Shuichi, is going to be okay once she’s gone.

Kaede:  “I want you to reveal everything that happened and convince everyone… And then… I want you to end this. That’s… my final wish.”

It’s… honestly a little awkward that Kaede calls this request for Shuichi to do a Closing Argument her “final wish”. No, it’s not – her final wish is going to be for everyone to end this killing game and get out of here! There isn’t even really a need to convince everyone at this point – even Kaito has been convinced by now. But of course it’s Danganronpa so we have to do a Closing Argument. I guess Kaede’s really just trying to give Shuichi more chance to practice his detective skills, you could argue?

“I want to help… I want to help you grant Kaede’s wish!”

…I haven’t been mentioning any of the tutorial text for obvious reasons, but this line is cute.

It’s amusing how the Completely Ambiguous Culprit Figure has a very distinctive backpack, making it not ambiguous at all. It does make sense to do that, since the backpack is relevant in a couple of panels.

Shuichi:  “We deduced that the mastermind would return there to let Monokuma out.”

No, Shuichi, you deduced that all by yourself. Have some more pride in your deductions! (Not that he would want to in this case because this is the reason Kaede committed murder.)

Shuichi:  “The shot kept rolling, then fell on Rantaro’s head, killing him instantly.”

Nope! For once, this is a Closing Argument being straight-up incorrect.

I appreciate this panel of Ambiguous Culprit Kaede being horrified by her guilt even as she’s thinking she killed the mastermind. We’ll even get to see this again in chapter 6 with it actually having Kaede’s face.

Kirumi:  “We can at least try to trust the Kaede we’ve come to know up to this point.”

Tenko:  “The Kaede we’ve come to know…?”

Kirumi:  “Even if she did commit a crime, what Kaede has said to us is not a lie. She wanted to protect us, and I firmly believe that to be the truth.”

Exactly! Too bad Kokichi’s never going to change his tune despite any of this. Also, this is Kirumi showing a surprising amount of personal feelings for her standards. Perhaps because the focus is on how Kaede has been selflessly trying to protect everyone else, which is something Kirumi can definitely understand.

Ryoma:  “If that was a lie too, it’d be the last straw for me. I’d have nothing left to believe in.”

Aww, Ryoma! He did want to believe in Kaede despite his grim outlook on things. Seems like she made him want to find a reason to live just a little bit.

Kaede:  “You guys are so nice… Even though I betrayed you all…”

Because you have been so nice to them the whole time and you didn’t betray them!

Shuichi:  “No! That’s not true, Kaede! You were trying to save all of—”

Kaede:  “Nice job, Shuichi! I didn’t expect any less!”

Shuichi:  “…What?”

Kaede:  “You were super reliable back there! But you still have a long way to go. You need to be more assertive. If you did that more often, you’d be a pretty cool guy.”

Aaaaa Kaede encouraging and giving advice to Shuichi even when she’s about to die! And it’s definitely not a coincidence that she did this as a way to cut off Shuichi’s attempt to make things about how she’s feeling – her own feelings don’t matter next to everyone else’s, especially now she betrayed them and is about to die. She doesn’t want this to be about her at all.

(This attitude of hers is incredibly similar to a certain someone else I could mention who’s going to be encouraging Shuichi a lot from now on.)

Shuichi:  “Kaede… why? Why are you smiling like that…? Why are you still trying to get me to be brave? Why, Kaede? Why are you thinking about everyone except yourself!? If you had just been less selfless, you wouldn’t have had to murder… Why…? Why do you do that?”

Unfortunately, Shuichi, you are going to have to get used to having friends who are this heartbreakingly selfless. This won’t be the last time.

Kaede:  “…I’m… sorry…”

And of course, the only response Kaede has is to apologise for the fact that her selflessness ended up hurting Shuichi like this.

Monokuma:  “The heart-racing excitement as the blackened and the spotless finally face off!”

…Like hell they’re facing off right now, Monokuma. You wish.

The roulette thing which announces the blackened slows down so much that for a moment it almost looks like it’s stopped on Gonta, who’s just before Kaede. Which probably gives first-time players a feeling of “man it sure would be awful if it really was Gonta; good thing that’s clearly never going to happen”. This same thing also happens in trial 2 with Kaito, who’s right next to Kirumi. I have to wonder if that’s deliberate.

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[Next post]

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 10/04/2021 (Olivia Rodrigo, Demi Lovato)

Well, I guess it’s a pretty slow week – at least more than I had predicted – given that I thought Demi Lovato and Olivia Rodrigo would make a lot more of a genuine impact high up in the chart than they actually did. I can’t really predict the chart accurately at all in those conclusion segments considering I write and release these episodes even before first-day streaming numbers are released, but I at least expected Rodrigo to debut in the top 10. Alas, we have kind of an unexpected filler week, before Taylor Swift impacts the charts next week – I think that prediction’s enough of a safe bet to be right, right? Anyways, Lil Nas X’s “MONTERO (Call Me by Your Name)” stays at #1 for a second week that I didn’t see coming, and let’s just start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

Now I talk about music that is purposefully out of my comfort zone on this series – the music is accessible, sure, because it’s charting music but not all of it is in genres and scenes or by artists I know a hell of a lot about or have listened to repeatedly. Hence, I don’t tend to talk about my own music taste often on here, because of two reasons: one being that I’m unsure it even exists and can be summed up in a sentence, and two being, well... according to Spotify’s “On Repeat” playlist, I’ve been listening to “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven an obscene amount this past week – if you had to make a Cactus Chart, it would probably debut at #1 15 years after the fact. Now, ignoring the fact that I kind of do want to make that chart, which I probably can with last.fm, I’m sure that will quell any need to talk about my own deeply embarrassing musical habits on this page ever again. Now, moving from the Cactus Single Charts to the UK Top 75, which is what I cover, we can see that there’s been some minimal action on all fronts.

In terms of our drop-outs, we do have a couple notable ones, including both of Fredo’s songs as ACR cuts their streaming numbers and hence, rather unfairly and inaccurately, “Money Talks” with Dave and “Ready” featuring Summer Walker both exit the top 75. I guess they were on their way out eventually, and some ACR-affected songs have indeed survived this week, but it’s still annoying to see for songs that are contemporary and still popular. Otherwise, we have “Wants and Needs” by Drake featuring Lil Baby exiting, as well as some genuinely big hits from this Winter, those being “Good Days” by SZA, “Whoopty” by CJ – finally – and “you broke me first” by Tate McRae after 35 long weeks. Now the charts are no longer addicted to blue cheese, what’s filling in the gaps?

Well, we only have one returning entry, that being “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac, a song that seemingly cannot stay dead, not that I’m complaining. What’s more interesting is what’s on the chart itself, as we do have some notable climbers and fallers. For the notable losses, we have “Good Without” by Mimi Webb at #23 off of the debut, “Patience” by KSI, YUNGBLUD and Polo G at #24, “Anyone” by Justin Bieber at #31, “6 for 6” by Central Cee at #37, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd still here at #38, HVME’s remix of Travis Scott’s “Goosebumps” at #39, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK finally dropping out of the top 40 at #41, “What’s Next” by Drake continuing to collapse at #49, taking “Lemon Pepper Freestyle” with Rick Ross at #51 along with it, “telepatía” by Kali Uchis at #56, “Mood” by 24kGoldn and iann dior at #62, “Sweet Melody” by Little Mix at #66, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi finally making way for an exit at #68, “Bringing it Back” by Digga D and AJ Tracey at #69, “Cloud 9” by Beach Bunny sadly at #70 off of the debut and finally, “You’re Mines Still” by Yung Bleu featuring Drake at #72.

What’s shocking to me is the little impact that both Demi Lovato and Lil Tjay had, showing that people might just not care about these artists past their singles. Sure, we got some tracks from both of them – that are already being pushed as singles – but on Lovato’s side, “What Other People Say” didn’t move an inch and we only got minimal gains for Lil Tjay’s “Headshot” and “Calling My Phone”, which I expected to go back into the top 40 and top 10 respectively. In terms of our actually notable climbers, well, we have “Mr. Brightside” by the Killers going for a fiftieth chart run at #67, “Beautiful Mistakes” by Maroon 5 featuring Megan Thee Stallion at #60, “Don’t You Worry About Me” by Bad Boy Chiller Crew surging up to #53, Tom Zanetti getting his first top 40 hit with the garbage “Didn’t Know” at #40, “Black Hole” by Griff at #33, Majestic’s remix of Boney M.’s “Rasputin” at #29, “Ferrari Horses” by D-Block Europe and RAYE at #22, and that’s about it other than our single notable change in the top 20, that being “Millions” by Russ Millions and Tion Wayne up to #13 off of the debut, despite being an absolutely worthless song. In fact, it’s looking pretty dire in the top 20 in general, I’m starting to hope that my Cactus Charts actually had any impact. Regardless, we still have eight new arrivals to discuss, so let’s start right at the bottom.

NEW ARRIVALS

#73 – “Film out” – BTS

Produced by UTA and back number

Now, BTS occasionally releases songs for the Japanese market, a common practice for K-pop bands – as far as I know – and this one in particular was marketed only in Japan for a Japanese film. Therefore, I think I was pretty reasonable in thinking this wouldn’t even get close to charting, but I should never underestimate the power of BTS fans buying digital singles. After all, that’s what kept “Dynamite” on the chart for as long as it had its run. Now, I’m not well-versed in J-pop at all other than some brief dives into city pop and picopop – both of which I enjoyed thoroughly – so I didn’t really know what to expect but it does make perfect sense to me that the boys are crooning over a cleanly-produced, theatrical piano-lead instrumental. Given that there’s a post-chorus consisting almost entirely of “ooh-ooh, la-la-la-la” about 45 seconds in, I gave up entirely in terms of lyrical content, although reading some of RM’s translated lyrics in particular makes it seem oddly poetic. How does it sound? Well, exactly as I’d described it: the boys are reigning themselves into to a more subtle instrumental and whilst some of the multi-tracking is distracting and each of the parts don’t really flow as well as they wanted it to, especially due to the loud vocal mixing which definitely overshadows the impact of the wonderful string swells in the final chorus and gives you enough audio-wise to completely ignore the trap-adjacent percussion. The song’s fine and I do like the inflections of acoustic guitar especially, but I’m not really impressed by this, not that I was supposed to – it’s a Japanese soundtrack song, it’ll be gone tomorrow and I’m sure the audience there is enjoying it more than I can.

#64 – “Summer 91 (Looking Back)” – Noizu

Produced by Noizu

Now if you don’t know how Noizu is, I can’t blame you as neither did I. I quickly found out he was another house producer and this track that had been released in January had just gained enough steam to debut this week. The guy has been in EDM production for a while and was immediately cosigned by people like Skrillex and Diplo, and he seems to hide behind this cartoon character for branding and anonymity’s sake, which I can’t blame him for when I consider the public images of both Skrillex and Diplo. The song, originally just called “Summer 91”, was remixed for a major-label release on RCA, and it’s about what you’d expect. It’s a deep house track with a driving 90s MIDI piano melody, uncredited female vocals that can’t even get close to the power of those diva house vocals from decades before and a anti-climactic drop with some cheap percussion. The chorus actually sounds a lot like “Body” by Loud Luxury and brando from one or two years ago, so it’s not even that original in its main hook, though I can give it credit for the synth-work being more sci-fi and kind of interesting, and its song structure being increasingly disjointed, even moreso than the typical house-pop track that debuts low on these charts, which means a lot less when the song has so little tricks up its sleeve. And no, the 220 KID remix isn’t any good either, in fact, it’s a lot worse.

#63 – “Run it Up” – Lil Tjay featuring Offset and Moneybagg Yo

Produced by Josh Petruccio

I tried to listen to that Lil Tjay record and within five tracks decided it was absolutely not worth my time, so I’m glad we only have a single song from the album debuting, though I am surprised that it seems to be the borderline posse cut that runs for nearly four minutes and I’m immediately disappointed. I know how all three of these guys can flow and how fast and high-energy all of they can be, as well as how smooth Offset always is, so why is this beat such a dull, piano-lead sludge with gross bass mixing? Why is Lil Tjay wasting my time both content- and delivery-wise, flubbing rhymes to the point where he doesn’t even bother finishing the line, even when he cops Roddy Ricch’s “The Box” flow in the middle of his verse? Why is the chorus just “Run it up” repeated ad infinitum with no energy? Okay, so it’s not all bad – Offset impresses flow-wise as he always does, trying his hardest to inject some energy into this with his ad-libs and constantly changing flow, because at least he has a personality and some charisma, but even he stops trying by the end of his verse. Moneybagg Yo channels 2 Chainz but without anything that makes 2 Chainz a worthwhile presence for a verse that somehow ends up as the best, most consistent here, and, yeah, I now know me skipping the majority of this record was a good choice.

#59 – “Runaway” – AURORA

Produced by Odd Martin and Magnus Skylstad

I know nothing about AURORA, and I was pretty confident I wouldn’t need to past her John Lewis advert success and her part on the Frozen II soundtrack of all places, but alas, she’s charting again with no kind of visual phenomenon attached to it. AURORA is a Norwegian singer-songwriter on the same wavelength as Bjork and hence the eye of a lot of critical success that doesn’t necessarily translate always into album sales. She has seen intermittent success with singles so I assumed this had just been somewhat of a breakout single from her newest record... but no, it’s from her first album and the single was released all the way back in February of 2015. So, naturally, you’ve got to assume TikTok and you would be correct, but is the song good? Well, the vocal loop double-tracked to act as a synth melody and eventually a choir is kind of a cool idea, and AURORA herself has this frail, accented delivery that’s definitely endearing. The song itself is about escapism and running away from confronting your emotions and the writing is good, even if it tends to be a bit messy if more attention is placed onto it, particularly in the verses. That’s not to distract from the fact that this is absolutely a song from 2015 as if you couldn’t tell from the percussion you can tell from the future bass-esque that’s almost cringeworthy in its anti-climactic entrance and doesn’t even really work at all, especially when it just disappears prematurely. I get going for a glitch-pop thing but it just does not make sense in a ballad like this, in fact, I’m finding it hard to find a part that could be used in a TikTok. The second drop works a little better because AURORA has more conviction in her desperate vocal delivery that sounds legitimately great, but I still think there’s such little impact in the percussion that the blend of synths and strings becomes ultimately just a distraction from what could have been a decent piano ballad. It makes it more interesting, for sure, but also more frustrating. Much like Ryn Weaver’s “Pierre”, also a 2015 indie-pop track suddenly charting six years after the fact a couple weeks ago, there’s a good song hidden somewhere in shoddy and awkward production. I really wish I could have liked this more.

#50 – “Dancing with the Devil” – Demi Lovato

Produced by Mitch Allan

Okay, so our next two songs are both from Demi Lovato’s comeback album, Dancing with the Devil...the Art of Starting Over, an album that if anything I am glad exists as it is a catharsis for Demi Lovato that needed to be released as it discusses her overdose, rehab, last relationship and everything both leading up to those events and the aftermath of them. The album isn’t perfect but feels open, revealing and most importantly an honest release for Demi Lovato and I think that’s worthy of praise in itself. As a 19-track album, it is bloated but does have enough sonic experimentation in the pop sphere for it not to grow stale, and I think there are great songs in there – it’s a good album – but you can already tell it’ll be dated soon enough, not that that’s really a problem now in 2021, but might hurt future revisits, especially with some of the production that already sounds awkward. Thankfully, we get two pretty down-beat and dark tracks from the record, which is where it usually shines, the first being the (half-)title track, released just a week before, and it’s pretty excellent. This soulful track builds itself on echoed percussion, subtle piano and Demi stumbling purposefully through verses detailing her mindset when she drinks alcohol and soon enough ends up “dancing with the Devil” and taking harder drugs like cocaine and heroin in the second verse. Musically, the chorus does struggle with some awkward mixing that makes the strings and instrumentation kind of pile up in a blend that sounds a lot louder than it should be, especially when everything is layered up to make each instrument indistinguishable and unrecognisable, pushing Demi’s vocals to the middle and forcing each multi-tracked ad-lib and vocal run to barely fit in the mix. I love this song from a songwriting standpoint even if it tends to be a bit blunt, but it definitely suffers from this production, which is mostly fixed in...

#44 – “Met Him Last Night” – Demi Lovato featuring Ariana Grande

Produced by Xavi and TBHits

This is my favourite song on the record by a fairly big margin, as everything seems to work here, in a way that doesn’t happen across the rest of the album. The song goes for a similar metaphor with the Devil being illicit substances, something that’s been done before and will continue to be done for eons, but Demi and the songwriters do go for a more unique take on it, picturing both Demi and Ariana in a bar or some kind of late-night hang-out as they “see the Devil” – really, seeing themselves at a low point partaking in substance abuse, which is a really interesting and potentially heart-wrenching perspective, especially if we’re going to get the duality of the chorus being self-aware of these vices but ultimately indulging in them anyway, compared to the verses and bridge where Ariana acts as Demi’s consciousness, vowing and pleading with her never to let drugs “take advantage of her innocence” again. The bridge is just wonderful in how the interplay between Ariana and Demi leads to Demi confronting these vices and promising that she won’t ever end up this bad again, before the truth is revealed by Ariana twisting the pre-chorus. Originally, it’s a threat to “the Devil” – that she can see right through the initial appeal of taking hard drugs and will try her hardest to dismiss them – but with the added context of that bridge, becomes a pretty telling response to Demi’s confidence, shutting her down by saying she sees through this facade of willpower and that she’ll still resort to substance abuse once again... which is sadly reinforced by that final, striking chorus that doesn’t change at all from the first, constructing a narrative that ends up going full-circle as Demi is back to where she started. It helps that this instrumental is downright demonic as well, with those menacing 80s synths sliding over some gorgeous violins in the intro, before all of that cuts out for the pre-chorus as that leering melody is whispered by both singers, and the chorus continues to rise with the strings, synthesised brass and the sparse percussion, which drops in Ariana’s verse to become a booming, drill-adjacent beat not afraid to cut out for Ariana’s multi-tracked humming. In fact, I love how organically this beat moves despite it being so obviously programmed, with the swelling of those strings before every impact and the intricate vocal sequencing making sure every gorgeous vocal run and ad-lib is heard. I’m almost glad I’m confident in this not becoming a hit because I would have already talked it to death here before it gets a chance to top my best list, as this is one of the most brilliantly-constructed pop songs I’ve ever heard and absolutely deserves your attention.

#43 – “Nice to Meet Ya” – Wes Nelson featuring Yxng Bane

Produced by Ayo Beatz

And now for some guy featuring some other guy produced by another guy. To give full credit, this beat is actually very well-produced, especially with that gorgeous piano lead in before the reggaeton-esque drum rhythm kicks in alongside those squeaky horns. It’s everywhere else where this song collapses in on itself, as Wes Nelson’s voice is drenched in so much Auto-Tune and reverb that it just sounds grossly cheap, with some comical ad-libs and some comically bad lyrics in this chorus, which I’ll repeat to you now. In a rather Shakespearean tone, our lead artist plays poetic word association with the hedonistic lifestyle of one Wes Nelson, excitedly greeting the listener with a “Nice to meet you”, before striking our deserved attention with his simplistic albeit bitingly effective rhymes. “Stepped in froze, freezer. Christian Dior, huh? Christian Dior, Jesus.” I don’t expect Nas from this guy but I at least expect bars that makes some kind of sense and don’t sound like juvenile attempts at early 2010s Drake-esque hashtag-rap. The song continues to waste the potential of its pretty great production as Wes Nelson strains his voice and somehow still ends up mumbling in his off-beat flow and janky cadence. Yxng Bane is, I hate to say it, probably the best part of this track, as at least he can convincingly sing and his detailed description of him messing around with a vegan girl (which has no relation to what he says, but he still says it) is at least more interesting lyrically than whatever Wes Nelson’s saying. “I met her in Victoria’s Secret then she let me into her Victoria’s secrets” is about as awful as a line when sang as it is read, and I mean, Wes Nelson’s falsetto doesn’t do him much justice in the unnecessary third verse either, so, yeah, this is a pretty crap attempt at riding a great beat. Give this to Rema or Burna Boy and something could have been done with this.

#27 – “deja vu” – Olivia Rodrigo

Produced by Dan Nigro

Finally, we have the follow-up single to Olivia Rodrigo’s “drivers license”, a song I liked, and I’m glad I did because so did Olivia herself and her producer Dan Nigro, as here we have essentially a sequel if not a reboot to that song. Here, Rodrigo starts to question the authenticity of Joshua Bassett’s new Disney-ordered relationship with Sarah Carpenter—I mean, her unnamed ex-boyfriend’s new fling with another woman. It’s an interesting take to have Rodrigo in a place where somewhat sympathises and pities the new girlfriend, as she’s not getting anything unique or new from her ex-boyfriend anymore. In fact, a lot of this song is really confrontational as she demands the boyfriend to tell his new girlfriend that all the stuff he’s doing with her is what he did with Rodrigo. That’s all fine and good but how does the song sound? Well, it’s got a bell-based instrumental, almost one that’s childish and intimidating, which is perfect for the petty selfishness of the content. In fact, the song as a whole seems to attempt to go for that, with the hilariously multi-tracked and echoed fake laughter in the first verse, as well as all of the extra inflections and backing vocals throughout. The song builds in a very similar way to “drivers license”, but drops earlier into a killer indie-rock groove with a squealing guitar and incredibly distorted drum pattern, almost reminding me of a Flaming Lips song if that’s not too far-fetched of a comparison. This song ultimately does enough to derive and distinguish itself from “drivers license” and whilst it’s not as smooth of a powerful pop track as that one was, and the mixing here is definitely more awkward, we get a different side to Olivia Rodrigo that we’re not to have as much sympathy for. Sure, we know how tough the feeling of being replaced is, but she’s noticeably pettier and arguably kind of unlikeable especially in that bridge, which is a lot more fast-paced than the rest of the song and also has somewhat gratuitous swearing because this is still a formula. Overall, I think this is a pretty great song and I might ultimately prefer it to “drivers license” just out of how it sounds and I’m always happy to see more genuine rock on the chart, so I’m glad we end on a good note.

Conclusion

And on said note, Olivia Rodrigo cops the Honourable Mention for “deja vu” – not that there was much competition – with the Best of the Week going to “Met Him Last Night” by Demi Lovato featuring Ariana Grande. For Worst of the Week, it’s really not that easy as I thought it would be as not much here is that bad at all. I guess I’ll give it to Lil Tjay once again as “Run it Up” featuring Offset and Moneybagg Yo is just joyless, with a Dishonourable Mention for Wes Nelson and Yxng Bane for just crapping all over a great instrumental on “Nice to Meet Ya”. Anyway, here’s this week’s top 10:

I’m not sure if I can make any confident predictions for tomorrow, other than the impact of Taylor Swift, Twenty One Pilots and, if I’m getting my hopes up, BROCKHAMPTON? Regardless, thank you for reading and I’ll see you next week!

[lovecrimers]

In honor of the100th episode of Supernatural Misha has worked on (He’s worked on 100, only acted in 99 though) - I decided to share with you guys, 100 reasons that I love @mishacollins as a sort of tribute/celebration to him. He’s done so much to change my life and I just wanted to put my love for him out into the universe. I also made this into a twitter thread which can be found HERE.

1.) He gives me strength to get up and get through my day whether he knows it or not. 2.) He cares about his fans & constantly strives to show just how much. 3.) He cares about minorities that the struggles we face daily. 4.) He cares about the LGBTQ+ community & has gone to far length to prove just how much. 5.) He cares about mental health & the issues that affect those of us who suffer because of our MH issues. 6.) He cares about disadvantaged youths and wants to give them an equal playing field (Free high school, etc) 7.) He cares about disadvantaged groups in general & proves it daily through his work with Random Acts. 8.) He cares about lonely Senior citizens & tried to brighten an otherwise lonely day for them (Valentines Day). 9.) He funded Random Acts - a registered 501(c)(3) charity on his own because he's the change he wants to see. 10.) He constantly runs charity events throughout RA & gets his fans excited to donate & put good out into the world. 11.) He runs GISHWHES - the biggest scavenger hunt in the world and most of proceeds from that go to charity too. 12.) His scavenger hunt often encourages others to commit random acts of charity towards strangers. 13.) He cares about the state of our country and how the political turmoil affects the everyday citizen. 14.) He is extremely invested in politics and is not afraid to speak his voice on things that offend him. 15.) He fights for the people. Not just his people, or my people - but all people. 16.) When he makes mistakes, he owns up to them and apologizes even when he doesn't have to. 17.) He is active on social media and gives us (his fans) peeks into his daily life, which he knows we always want more of. 18.) He is a general friendly person who goes out of his way to be an angel to everyone he meets. 19.) The money from his Castiel photo ops at conventions goes to charity. 20.) Growing up, he experienced the struggle of poverty & goes out of his way to level the playing field for others in that situation. 21.) He's EXTREMELY humble about his accomplishments and doesn't brag about his good deeds. 22.) To date, he's still shocked and made to blush when fans express how he has changed their lives. 23.) He wears safety pins when he can, to let people know he is an ally and will protect people who need protection. 24.) He's a published poet and has a way with words that speaks to millions. 25.) He is EXTREMELY intelligent and uses his ideas and intelligence for nothing but GOOD. 26.) He is an amazingly talented actor & with that talent has become one of the most loved characters on Supernatural. 27.) He plays himself on Supernatural (an angel) 28.) He engages his fans, even going as far as answering questions other actors refuse to. 29.) He's selflessly shared extremely personal stories of his struggle at conventions in front of large crowds. 30.) He supports intersectional feminism. 31.) He supports nasty women and acknowledges the world needs us and has talked publicly about it 32.) Even though shippers are historically snubbed in the SPN fandom, he gives us a voice. 33.) He's gone as far as to physically "Ship" Destiel and that warms the cockles of my heart. 34.) He married his high school sweetheart. 35.) His relationship with his wife is absolutely beautiful and a goal for anyone with a significant other. 36.) The love he has for his wife is visible whenever he talks about her, he softens up and smiles. 37.) He supports his wife's business endeavors no matter what they may be & defends her accomplishments. 38.) He & Vicki renewed their vows dressed in drag at an Albertsons and that in itself is amazing. 39.) He takes the time to maintain his beautiful marriage & goes on spiritual retreats with his wife. 40.) His family in itself is pure and goals for anyone with a family. 41.) He's a busy man but still takes time to be a great father to his kids and it shows. 42.) He gives us access to his time with his kids sometimes and it never fails to put a smile on my face. 43.) He brings his kids to conventions sometimes and it's adorable - there's NOBODY who doesn't love it when he does that. 44.) There are tons of instances where he has been seen comforting distressed fans on his own free will. 45.) He encourages fans to say hi to him if we see him out and about. 46.) He takes fans out to do fun things during his meet n greets, something which no other actor does. 47.) He has publicly stated he appreciates fanworks whether it be art, fanfic, crafts etc. 48.) He built his own house, proving he loves to see the fruits of his effort. 49.) He built most of the furniture in his house further proving he's a hard worker. 50.) He interned at the White House during the Clinton administration 51.) He made the engagement ring he proposed to Vicki with. 52.) He invited fans to join him during his bike ride for E4K this year. 53.) He teaches his kids about healthy eating while teaching them HOW to cook. 54.) He ran over 50 miles for charity & anyone who's ever even ran 1 mile knows how brutal that must have been. 55.) In 2011, he was named TV’s “Best Non-Human” by TV Guide which proves he's actually an angel. 56.) His smile is singlehandedly the most beautifully infectious smile I have ever laid eyes upon. 57.) He looks good in literally anything. 58.) When I'm feeling crappy about life, I just look at pictures of him and I instantly feel better. 59.) His charity is in partnership with a crisis support group that has helped thousands of people like me during hard times. 60.) He's not afraid to be emotional publicly and has even publicly cried before over issues that matter to him. 61.) His hard work and dedication inspire me to want to reach MY own goals. 62.) Seeing everything he's accomplished makes me not want to give up. 63.) His sense of humor is brilliant and truly funny. 64.) He's not afraid to make himself the butt of a joke and that kind of humor is extremely attractive. 65.) His humility (that I touched on earlier) transcends into everything he does whether it be his job, family or charity. 66.) He directly helps his fans - ex of which can be helping w/homework, sending them autograph replacements etc. 67.) He has posted his phone number publicly with the sole purpose to have conversations with fans. 68.) He truly regrets working on a movie about sexual assault & openly discourages people from watching it so we don't get triggered. 69.) He steps out of his comfort zone sometimes to face issues in the fandom that no other actor wants to. 70.) He takes the time away from his family to come to conventions for his fans even when he's extremely tired. 71.) His smile lights up any room. 72.) He very clearly says "fuck you" to gender norms & constantly does things like paint his nails. 73.) He encourages people to vote, even if it's not for his candidate. 74.) He acknowledges the importance of white people being allies to minorities. 75.) He is extremely humble about his incredible good looks. 76.) He takes the winning gishwhes team on a vacation with him every year. 77.) He has been known to talk about very personal issues that resonate with fans during his meet n greets. 78.) He is nice to literally everyone (I'm serious, even to the people he dislikes: note, trump) 79.) This is kind of unrelated toa lot of the other reasons but he's THICC HAVE YOU SEEN HIS THIGHS? wow. 80.) He's an anchor for a lot of people who constantly struggle with depression (such as myself) and he guides us back to a good state of mind. 81.) He's interested in the environment and he proved that during E4K this yr by bringing a geologist to talk to us about the terrain. 82.) His interactive gishwhes competitions inspire people to think outside the box. 83.) He's simply beautiful like have you SEEN a picture of him? 84.) Everything he does is to better this world and community. 85.) He is the purest person I have ever come across in my life and I've come across quite a few people. 86.) His smiles are always genuine, you can tell by the way his eyes crinkle. 87.) He has struggled so much in his life and even then, came out successful. He is GOALS for all of us. 88.) He understands the reality behind a lot of these online "challenges" such as the ALS challenge & truly cares about the causes. 89.) He is extremely work oriented and has been known to stay on set way beyond what he was supposed to to film & perfect his scenes. 90.) His voice is pretty much the single most incredibly beautiful thing I have ever been graced with the opportunity to hear. 91.) He cares about orphans, refugees & homelessness. 92.) I truly believe that he loves each and every single one of his fans. 93.) He's an imaginative goofball & that shows through with the items he has for gishwhes every year. 94.) He was the best thing to ever happen to me. 95.) This man is the epitome is what one should strive to be when it comes to their attitude, life & personality 96.) Whenever there's a tragedy in a foreign country, he tries to tweet his support in their native language. 97.) He continually shows he cares about the fans that go through struggles and need support. 98.) When I first found out about his past, I promised myself I'd stop self injuring & make something out of my life. I am now clean of self injury and have been for a while. 99.) He unknowingly helped save me from one of the worst depressive periods of my 26 yr old life where everything seemed bleak & hopeless. 100.) His love for life saved MY life when I was hellbent on ending it last year and I will be eternally grateful to him for that.

So yeah, if you ever want to even begin to question my love for Misha Collins- don’t. I will love him fiercely until my dying breath.

Congrats on the milestone, Misha. We love you.

[54kg]

Drabble Game!

okay so i've seen a bunch of people doing this and it looks like a lot of fun so i figured i'd take a crack at it! although there's no guarantee anyone will even play. anyway, just send me an ask with the number and bias you would like me to write about, simple as that. also, if you have specific pronouns you'd like me to honor, please let me know when you request. otherwise i will just use she/her :) i'm only taking requests for exo, by the way. if i get an ask requesting for another group, i can try to direct you to another blog that might do it! but hopefully you'll have read this short intro and keep it strictly exo. i will only be taking two requests per prompt because i am not only busy, but i'd like to mix things up! thank you! prompts: 1. "I thought we had an understanding..." 2. "If I look hard enough, I can see a bit of you in him/them/her." 3. "I can't bail you out anymore." 4. "What did you do that for?" 5. "I don't think I want to come back to this place with you." 6. "Let's only make good memories from now on." 7. "Would you shut up?" 8. "That's not what I heard." 9. "I had something else in mind, but this works, too." 10. "I just think I'm not the right person... not yet." 11. "Even though your lips aren't moving, I hear you calling my name." 12. "Get in the car, we're leaving." 13. "Why didn't you say something sooner?" 14. "You idiot, why would you think that?" 15. "I think I'm in love with a monster". 16. "When you say it, it sounds creepy." 17. "Sorry, I can't help myself!" 18. "You've screwed up before, but this time you really did it." 19. "What is your problem?!" 20. "I think I know how to fix that for you~" 21. "Stop moving or you'll regret it." 22. "I'm not leaving you alone like this." 23. "Again with the eye roll?" 24. "I think I could live like this forever..." 25. "Go ahead, everyone's waiting." 26. "You can't just advertise that without talking to me first!" 27. "I thought what we had was special..." 28. "Quit teasing me already~" 29. "Oh, grow up!" 30. "You were almost killed back there!" 31. "I'm shocked...actually, genuinely shocked." 32. "Remember the secret code!" 33. "No, his ass is mine!" 34. "So this time you actually did it, huh?" 35. "You're a lot stronger than I thought~" 36. "Get over here and kiss me." 37. "It's been 3 months, what the hell??" 38. "I want you to look me in the eye and say that again." 39. "I'm going to wait here, just like this, until you tell me the truth." 40. "Oh, come on! You're just being dramatic." 41. "'Us' is too risky..." 42. "I want a divorce!" 43. "I guess my timing was off, huh?" 44. "See, I would, but-" 45. "Wait, let me cover my ears first and then you can say it." 46. "Maybe if we run away..." 47. "Excuse me, you're in MY house." 48. "You're such a baby, and I love it~" 49. "Why don't you let me handle this?" 50. "I'll count to 3. 1, 2...2 and a half..." 51. "Honestly, I didn't think you'd show." 52. "I thought that was just a dream!" 53. "Don't move, I'm on my way!!" 54. "What were you doing at his/their/her house anyway. 55. "You would really do that for me?" 56. "What happened to 'Everything is awful' mode?" 57. "Do you have an off switch?" 58. "It's all empty talk." 59. "Maybe we could make it work?" 60. "Now look, I'm going to be late because of you!" 61. "...Wanna take a star walk?" 62. "Remember that if no one else believes in you, I always will." 63. "You're drunk, don't try to deny it." 64. "For real, though, I lowkey would sleep with you. I mean-!" 65. "You had something on your face." 66. "Drop the act, it's not cute." 67. "I liked you before liking you was a thing." 68. "Aren't you a little old for that?" 69. "You just destroyed me... Do it again?" 70. "I never asked you to protect me!"

[lilwaynelighterflick-blog]

Criminal Minds se12 ep12

Foreword:  This episode is named "Spencer"...They better not fuck with my boy. 0:04 Are they having a Mexican Showdown? What's up with the music? 0:09 I was half right 0:34 I think the Fast and Furious movies are trash. 0:48 This is like the track Doc made Lighting race on...speaking of which, Im excited for Cars 3. 0:58 Pew pew pew 1:15 If Spencer gets out of that Car... 1:44 Oooooh drugs 2:09 JESUS H CHRIST.  I FUCKING KNEW IT. IM OUT. IM DONE. GOOD FUCKING BYE. *5 mins later* IM BACK. IM HERE TO STAY. IM EMOTIONAL. IM SCARED. I GENUINELY LOVE DR SPENCER REID AND I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO HIM... 2:11 What's up with that paedophile moustache? 2:47 I know I said 8 is too many... but i didn't mean get rid of Reid...seriously...I will be on the news if he leaves this show. 2:56 Well what's the point then? You can't be   brb I just about had a heart attack. I heard a rustling noise and I know for a FACT I'm home alone so... I froze up...Heart bouta buss out my chest...Thinking this is it...Imma die tonight...Turns out my dumbass neighbour outside putting out the garbage or some shit. I don't know why she didn't put herself out with it. Who tf puts out garbage at 8:26 pm?Fucking *Althea* 3:04 190cm is like 6"0 right? idk 3:11 Where's the truck driver? 3:19 Poor baby is in shock......or high 3:49 Don't be sarcastic puta 4:40 ...Was he tryna get some sorta experimental drug for his ma? 4:43 My God...he's been drugged 6:51 Y'all better figure this out. I ain't taking this laying down...Well I *am* laying down...whatever 7:23 NO. YOU.DON'T...YES. YOU DO. GET. EVERY. HAND. ON. DECK. 8:12 Where's the truck driver? 9:28 Shut up J.J 10:19 Get caught up, bitch. 10:25 It's been 10 years already? 11:25 Rosa Medina 11:51 I will not cry, I say as I cry, tears streaming down my face. 16:01 I want them to be besties 18:25 Nadie Ramos 18:46 It's her! 19:43 She prolly dead 19:59 Sometime I hate watching so much tv 20:23  Diez Once Dose Trece Catorce 20:53 You have 20 minutes. Make it count 21:53 How do people drink the bitter bowels of beezebulb that is black coffee? 22:09 Y'all having a  terrible time 22:21 At all 24:40 Don't do a flashback... 24:44 Fuck 26:35 I'm so damn sleepy 27:22 Is it? Is it really? 27:47 Houston Texas 'Bama 28:12 Why is there a no smoking sign? 29:27 I just remembered the Red Wedding 30:14 Y'all got 11 minutes left. Don't fuck this up 30:59 You can delete that shit and drop your phone in water stfu 31:12 Not El Diablo 31:52 Okay. Story time.   There was a little white boy in town, a bank teller. Who stole money from the bank he was working at, about $3,000.   He went to jail. I can't remeber how long his sentence was 'spose to be but, they sent him up. We've only got one prison, so the hardcore evil get mixed up with the petty crimes...This boy wasn't in jail a 3 weeks before, he was put in the hospital, because they  TORE. THAT. ASS. UP...So what I'm saying is Reid (a fictional character whom I love) Can't Go to jail because of what happened to a real person, who is also a tall skinny white male. 31:55 10 fucking minutes y'all 32:19 You better delete that 33:14 Oh greeeeeat they brought in Beyond Borders 33:29 Who is she? In the 4 BB episodes I watched this botox baby wasn't in them. 33:32 Yo what's up with her hair? And her voice is annoying Damn 33:52 Shut up you cunt 34:47 Yeeeees boo yeeeeeees. Get those gears rolling 35:08 Claire...suits her...boring ass 36:10 6 minutes. Wrap it up 36:48 Damn right 38:01 Now you can fuck off 38:06 It better done gone 38:14 phew 38:53 I need to slow my ass down... But... damn is Matt fine... 40:12 Better not. 40:40 I Don't care if the Queen is standing next to me, if my bff just got out of jail I would be wildin out. 40:53 I wish that they had let J.J and Spence become romantic. Remember when he asked her out? 41:17 53 Damn seconds 41:19 That better be Jesus calling 41:57 Oh no no no 42:02 *Word?*

[dailymusingsofamedic]

25th May 2020 - Orff

Carl Orff (1895-1982)

Gisei, Das Opfer (1913) https://open.spotify.com/album/74d2v19w4fuI8aPcRkVi99?si=MqdFYt9VRIuezbY-YEqMGg

‘O’ is another letter that doesn’t have huge amounts to offer in terms of composers. I’ve chosen Orff because I’m genuinely intrigued to see what else this composer has put out apart from Carmina Burana. I wonder if Orff suspected that his magnum opus would be used in every single ‘dramatic’ moment in reality TV for the intellectually challenged from now until presumably the end of time. You’ve all heard Camrina Burana, but what else did Orff do? I’ve chosen a fairly early work of his, written at just 18 years of age. It’s a story of a Japanese calligraphy teacher who kills one of his pupils, but not the right one, and his parents are sad, basically. Apparently heavily influenced (perhaps pillaged) from Debussy, it was not performed until 2010. Also, Orf is a viral skin infection passed to humans by infected sheep and goats, colloquially known as scabby mouth in the farming community. And who said I couldn’t get music and medicine into the same blog?

Get ready, this is a long one!

Above - do we think this might me set in Japan?

1.       Vorspiel: introduction. A very quiet and tender opening by the eerie female voices. Also with some windy noises. A few lines spread around the woodwind, and then things begin to get a bit more exciting with the introduction of the tune in the cello part (maybe viola). I think the choir are humming. I don’t know about Debussy, but the section from 1:35 sounds exactly like Ravel’s Daphnis et Chloe. Not quite as nice though. I mean, there’s no denying this overture is nice to listen to, and quite interesting, but it doesn’t sound new. Interesting trombone solo with wind machine. Aren’t they synonymous? Ehhhhh. 3:35 is a shock. Is this where the boy gets killed? No idea.

2.       Vorspiel: No demo yama. Right, so this is still the overture. The section with strings harp and female voices from about 0:56 is really cool, atmospheric. 1:36 sounds a bit ominous again, with tremolos, then some brass, then hahaha that tuba solo at the end is cracking me up. Firstly, is that all people think tubas can do. Plod plod bitch. Secondly, what happens to the sound at the end of the last note?? Is it a weird vibrato? Is it running out of air? It sounds like such a wispy sound considering the instrument it’s coming from.

3.       Vorspiel: Die Gottheit nahm das Opfer am. This means ‘the deity accepted the sacrifice’. That seems like a big plot point considering we’re still apparently in the overture. Or as google translate calls it: foreplay. Scary baritone and interesting textures with the brass in the next section, both muted and un-. Oh the singing sounds German, at least he used a real language in this opera. The accompaniment sounds like accompaniment, and by that I mean, I feel like there should be some singing over the top a lot of the time when there isn’t. Lots of lovely tuba. Ooooh 2:24 could be more in tune I think…it does sound quite high to be fair. Actually, the rest of the singing so far has been pretty good. Lots of hard Ts. 3:35 is a really interesting section, it’s very grand but then diminishes into being pretty scary again very well.

4.      Vorspiel: Dann…tiefste Nacht. Then deepest night. 0:13 onwards all feels a bit familiar as well, from other composers works. I have to say it doesn’t sounds very ‘deepest night’. The last movement did more. I had a heart attack at 1:21. There’s lots of variation over the next few minutes. I’d love to see what’s meant to be happening on stage. Without that, it does feel a little disjointed. The little harp scale up to 3:55 brings us to a really lovely section actually. That harmony’s interesting, as is the instrumentation. Laughed again at 5:05. How else would we know we were in japan if not for some exposed gong/tamtam notes? It’s tuned for the singer to come in at least! “Doot Doot Doot” is fun. Then the shit hits the fan.  The orchestral accompaniment does sounds at times a little like a concerto for orchestra, with solos from bassoon, tuba, double basses. It’s nicely written. Again the end of this part feels like I need to be watching something alongside it. The texture at the end is fantastic. I don’t know what’s playing but I like it.

Above - Cut the vorspiel, I’m ready for the main event. Also, if you look closely you can see the TV I’m thinking of buying. 

5.       Oper: introduction. Ok so we’re into the actual opera now. Well, nearly, we’ve finished foreplay anyway. Nice controlled accelerando, and the clarinet part’s pretty cool, before we’re back to the first section. I like this so far. A great introduction to the meat of the work.

6.       Oper: Wollt ihr Ruhe halten. Or as my other half often says to me when they’ve run out of my favourite dim sum at Ping Pong: ‘Do you want to keep calm?’. Solo violin pretending to be a butterfly (Schmetterling) isn’t very nice. I’ve never heard a butterfly sound like that. The duet from 1:15 is lovely, however brief.

7.       Oper: Sakura! Sakura! I’m hoping this is how star of Rupaul’s Drag Race Season 12; Rock M Sakura got her name, but I feel like the reference may be a little niche. Starts off with the waily woman from the last movement. Now she’s wailing ‘Sakura’ though. Who is Sakura? I feel like actually this could do with a little more accompaniment than just harp. The singer is a little overpowering at times, although her pianos are really soft and well done.

Above - life imitating art.

8.       Oper: Ist’s erlaubt? It’s allowed. What’s allowed? A synopsis would really ameliorate my listening experience I’m sure, but that’s effort, and I can’t read, type, and listen at the same time. Another excellent tuba demonstration at 0:25. There’s a nice cough at 0:59. Is this a live recording? Maybe this is the only time it’s ever been performed. Are trombone chords every in tune? Not according to 1:53 of this. 2:33 all gets a bit exciting briefly. The string entry at 3:15 is very inaccurate. That must be the violas. More out of tune trombone at 4:03. I feel like the orchestra are maybe sight-reading because they know this isn’t going to be a roaring success…Again 5:00 onwards is very directionless. All jokes aside, the tamtam playing is great, and the sound is dampened at exactly the right time. It’s really effective. At 6:02 what is happening? Is that two tubas? Or a tuba and something else being badly played, out of tune on top. I can’t tell, but it’s bad. HA that dramatic ending is then followed by one solitary note on the tamtam which sounds very much like an accident.

9.       Oper: Sei nicht mehr Traurig. Don’t be sad any more. Or, what Alex says to me 2 weeks after we went out for that dim sum-less meal. Interesting harmony. Quite waily again though.

10.       Oper: Oh! Bauerngeischter. Oh! Peasant hunt!!! That is not what I was expecting. Oh wait, it’s actually Bauerngesichter – peasant faces, much better. Fanfare central. Maybe it is a peasant hunt too? Bassoon trills are fun. I have absolutely no clue what that is 0:38. If anyone could enlighten me, I would be very grateful. Is it a contrabassoon played high? I honestly have no clue; it could even be stringed at a push. Beefy last note though. I mostly spend the rest of this movement wondering what that instrument was. I can’t find the bloody instrumentation anywhere. Snapped out of my stupor by laughing at the random extra tuba note at 3:11. HERE IT IS AGAIN at 3:46. So weird, so out of tune in the higher portions. That’s why it’s on its own I think.

Above - Orf; why you should wash your hands at the petting zoo!!

11.       Oper: Hinter uns lag die Stadt. The city was behind us. If you listen carefully at 0:02 you can hear the tuba player stick his hand in a crisp packet. Nice combination of the bass, and high register of the harp, I like that quite a lot. It’s more interesting than the bass and tuba duet afterwards. 2:00 is straight out of Daphnis again for 2 seconds. The trombone chord at 3:22 is eventually in tune, but it doesn’t start that way.

12.       Oper: Ihr wart doch heut’ beim Mahl des Bonzen? If you had given me 1,000 goes at guessing this translation, I would never have come out with the correct answer: You were eating the fat cat today? This seems to be a rather rude question judging by the bloke’s reaction. This baritone bit is quite recitative-y, I just wish I could understand what they were saying. From 2:00, the orchestral parts are exciting, if a little forced. 2:50, we see this weird tuba vibe again. And the chord at 3:06 is actually really nice, as Roxxxy Andrews would say: thick and juicy. String entry at 3:30 is very messy again. Another heart attack at 4:48. So screechy. More of the same until the end.

13.       Oper: Entlasst nun eure Schuler, Genzo. Now release your students Genzo. Heard across the country in March, when money-grabbing boarding schools tried to keep their students during the pandemic for ‘safety’ reasons. More tuba. 0:14 – what is this person playing at. The entry of this mysterious companion of the half decent tuba sounds like they flutter-tongue that entry. I often joke “Oh I could do a better job” but in this case, I think I actually could. IS it just a low horn? I can’t tell. Lots of to-and-fro between a couple of the men now, but I don’t know what about. One sounds much angrier than the other. I assume the calligrapher is the friendly sounding one, but that’s a very stereotypical assumption.

14.       Oper: Hm! Seltsam! Hm! Strange! You’re telling me. Nice little bit of spoken word. It’s actually nicer than hearing them belting all the time. There’s a glass harmonium or some glasses being played at 0:50, sounds quite cool. Probably not worth the expense of renting one. Christ, calm down at 1:08. They briefly switch to English at 1:53, but ‘can shoe size’ doesn’t make much sense, or is at least very cryptic. Someone undoes their Velcro shoe at 3:09, maybe that’s what it’s referring to. 3:34 is nice, and I get the Debussy vibes here. Again at 4:00.

15.       Oper: Macht auf! Macht auf! Open Up! X2. Orff does love whacking two very low instruments next to each other and just hoping they can play in tune. Spoiler alert, they can’t. I like the dramatic knocking on the door. Just sing, love, it’s louder. The lady sounds worried about something. If only I knew what. 2:09 is fun. The chord at 3:23 sounds exactly like what you would hear in a film set in Transylvania when the camera pans to Dracula’s house. More shit low playing at several more points in the next section. 4:50 to the end is great actually.

16.       Oper: Die Sonne sinkt! The sun is setting (I assume, I didn’t actually look that one up). The tuba and miscellaneous other instrument’s last hurrah before a random piano plays 3 chords, someone coughs and the strings forget to come in; all before 1:00. Why is there now a piano? Wouldn’t the harp have done the same job? The end is quite simple, but it sounds nice. Although the last chord is uncomfortable and sounds very unfinished. Deliberately I’m sure.

Overall – 6/10. Well that was a couple of hours of my life I will never get back. I’m perhaps being harsh because opera obviously isn’t meant to be just heard, and with the right staging, and acting and me being able to understand the plot, it might be a nice little work. A lot of the problems I have with this are actually with the playing rather than the writing, although many of the tuning issues may be attributable to weird instrumentation. Either way, it’s certainly got areas of interest, but there’s lots of weak parts too. It’s not going to be accompanying the talentless droves on the X-Factor any time soon, put it that way.

Below is what Orff intended for his music, in its purest form: